#i need to get better grades in aromanticism

[foenixed]

Going into aro week like "Oh, I need to find something aromantic to say."

[our-aroace-experience]

Hi! 18-year old aroace here. Here's something I wrote about my own experiences with being aspec ~

I see alot of people talking about how their parents expect them to get a partner and kids and so on, because they want grandkids or whatever, but I never really had that myself. I remember my mom asking me when I was a kid whether I ever want to get married or have kids. I said no, absolutely not, and she told me that's ok - not everyone wants that. And that it's also fine if I ever change my mind about it. I think I was in like, 5th or 6th grade at the time? Still, she accepted my answer and never really pressed the issue again.

The first time I ever heard the grandkids talk was a few months ago, visiting a friend of my mom's. Her first grandchild had just been born and she was so excited, told us all about it and showed us pictures. She told me and my brother that we should get kids too, that it's our duty to give our parents grandchildren or some such. She also told us that one should have a partner by 30, and that you shouldn't be too picky about it. They can even be foreign, she said. We just smiled and nodded and laughed about it with our mom later.

It was strange. I see people talking about this online all the time, but I don't think it ever really occured to me that it's actually something parents tell their kids - it's just such a bizarre idea, isn't it?

Lgbt has never really been something we talk alot about in my family. I learned about that stuff online, somewhere around middle school I think.

When I first learned about asexuality and aromanticism, I debated whether I should talk about it with my parents, come out or whatever. In the end I decided that it's not really necessary, though. My sex life is hardly their business, and starting a family or even having a partner has never been something that was expected from me. Explaining the specific terms wouldn't really change anything or help them understand me better, because they already accept me just the way I am. They always have.

i’m so happy your parents never put that kind of pressure on you! i agree, as long as you’re content with your parents understanding of your identity, there is no need to show them terms they might not be familiar with, your parents sound lovely!

[curseofdelos]

Since we're talking about asexuality in the rrverse on the dash today, here's my two cents as an aroace person

The only canon rep we have in the series (insofar as word of god confirmations can be considered canon) is Reyna and the Hunters. However, the way their asexuality (and aromanticism) was handled in the series could have been a lot better, imo

In SoN, Reyna talks about her relationship with Jason in a way that's very clinical. She doesn't say she has feelings for Jason - only that many praetors become romantically involved in a way that implies she expected that to happen for them. She does the same thing with Percy - never admits to liking him like that, just implies she thinks he could be a good candidate for a romantic relationship.

It's a common experience among aro and/or ace people who haven't realised they're aro and/or ace yet to pick crushes based on who makes the most logical sense. Reyna picks Jason and Percy because they're powerful, she works closely with them, and historically praetors paired off together. Her own feelings/attraction isn't a factor. I find this aspect of her character to be incredibly relatable! I was doing the same thing when I was her age! I doubt Rick was intentionally writing her as ace at this point in the series, but regardless, this aspect is great!

But the way he writes her in TTT... isn't. Reyna's lack of interest in dating is framed as a choice she is making rather than an aspect of her sexuality. It does touch upon comphet and how Reyna felt like a relationship was something she was supposed to want - which I do like! But then follows up with Reyna saying that she doesn't need a relationship (or a label) to feel fulfilled. While this is a good lesson, the way it's written does suggest that Reyna is simply choosing not to date instead of saying that she doesn't experience attraction (which is not a choice). It doesn't help that the words "asexual" or "aromantic" are never stated in the books, and Reyna explicitly says that she isn't labelling herself right now.

A lot of us choose not to date (myself included), but that's not why we identify as aro and/or ace. We identify that way because we don't experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. A lot of aros and/or aces do date and do have sex! Choosing not to be in a relationship is not the defining characteristic of our community, but the way Reyna is written in TTT makes it seem that way. Rick conflates asexuality and celibacy throughout the books which is disappointing.

I have similar issues with the way the Hunters are written. When Reyna, Thalia, and Bianca joined them, they took a vow of celibacy and renounced their right to have romantic relationships. This is not the same as being aro and/or ace. Hell, we know for a fact that Thalia isn't! In TTC, Thalia tells Percy that she thinks Apollo is hot, and a major point of contention between her and Zoe was that Thalia "could never leave [boys] behind". This is partly why Thalia joining the Hunters is framed as a sacrifice - she chooses to renounce romantic relationships and embrace immortality to delay the prophecy. It wouldn't be much of a sacrifice at all if she wasn't giving up something she wanted.

As an aroace person, I do like the idea of a travelling group of female aroace hunters, but their lack of interest in relationships is consistently framed as a choice. It's never said anywhere that they don't experience attraction. Because of this, I feel that Rick is misrepresenting our community by feeding into stereotypes. Again: aro and/or ace people do date and do have sex! Some of us choose not to, but our relationship choices are not what defines us. What defines the Hunters is their choice to give up relationships, not their lack of attraction. I get that he might not be allowed to talk about sexual attraction in a middle grade novel, but that doesn't excuse why aromanticism is presented this way. The way they're written, the Hunters don't feel like aroace rep to me.

I want to cap this post off by saying that I think it's valid to find comfort in the idea of the hunters being aroace! We get so so little representation in media as a whole that it's easy to cling to the crumbs we do get. A lot of the time, perpetually single characters is the closest we ever get. It just bothers me personally to see these characters labelled as aroace by the author not because they don't experience attraction, but because they're perpetually single. I think Rick could have done a lot better, and I wish the aroace rep in this series was more explicit, and took into account that there's a difference between being aro, being ace, being aroace, and simply choosing to be single.

(for reference, here's the source on Reyna being confirmed asexual:

)

[gnometa233]

NOTES(s) ACQUIRED I CAN BEGIN

So way back in Ye olde days (early 2019), when I didn't know I was a lesbian and was freshly reconsidering my asexuality and aromanticism, I was just a baby first year in college, so about 18. I absolutely did not look queer or gay due to my very plain clothes and long, curly hair. Because I didn't have my major yet, I decided to get all of my gen ed's out of the way quickly, and one of them was biology. The professor was a cunt and she graded everyone harshly. No one ever got a passing grade on any quiz because of how stupidly hard they were and the fact that she barely taught at all. Everyone, except one person.

We'll call her S, because i'm not about to doxx her and I lost contact with her years ago (i deleted my old insta, where we followed each other. I needed to restart). She always sat in front of me in class. S was shorter than me, who stands at a proud 5'2. She always wore sweatshirts and loose, baggy pants, and wore a baseball cap with short, blonde hair underneath. When she didn't wear the hat, it was styled like those fohawks all the boys used to have back in 2017-2018. Sometimes she'd roll up her sleeves, and I'd catch a glimpse of some sort of tattoo i could never make out. I was fascinated by her, not just because she was clearly the smartest one in the class out of all of us, but because of her unique style. I'd always seen more edgier women who didn't always conform to gender roles, but this was a new kind of GNC for me.

I got to know her a little bit before we parted ways due to life (and covid lockdowns). She was a dancer. More modern/hip-hop esque. Very athletic. She wanted to be a biochemist in the future. But what really got me was her voice. It wasn't gruff like mine. It was very...light and airy. She was the most soft spoken person I'd ever met, even to this day. It amazed me, the dichotomy between her personal aesthetic and the way she spoke/acted.

I wish I'd gotten to know her better, but that experience made me realize the possibilities that were laid out in front of me. I wouldn't be cut my hair super short until this year, but I still remember her. I hope she's doing well.

One note and I'll tell the story of the first ever butch I've met irl

[aptericia]

***Personal rant, not anything cool***

Making a vent post because I'm still awake at 6am and am very sleep-deprived >:( Also I'm guessing a lot of other people have had similar experiences and that makes me feel better.

So today I was chatting with a close friend who was excited for public schools' break next week. They asked if I had any sort of break (I'm homeschooled) and when I answered no, they said something along the lines of "well, your school is basically like a break anyway, since your workload isn't very high :)" They didn't say it in a resentful way, and I think it's likely that their workload is higher at the moment (I very much Do Not like talking about my personal problems and schoolwork most of the time, so we haven't really compared), but I felt a bit defensive at the comment, so I spent some time thinking about why.

I realized that other comments that have made me feel that way weren't about my homeschooling, but about my decision to pursue an art career. A parent has said "I don't mind if you want to be an artist, but I think you're so smart that you could be doing science or anything else you want to." A sibling has said to my face that they could never be satisfied going into art/entertainment even though they enjoy it, because they want a job that does good for the world. The advisor at the community college where I take classes made jokes to me about how if my sister got a good job, she could financially support me when I become a starving artist. I feel like I'm constantly being reminded that I'll grow up to be a lazy, unaccomplished burden--and that it's because of my choice to take such an easy, meaningless job.

Sometimes my lifestyle feels like that as well. As a homeschooled student, I have a lot of flexibility. I get to choose when I wake up in the morning, what classes I take, etc. Although I have problems with sleep and mental health, I constantly see worse talked about on the internet, or by my friends. I'm also extremely privileged--in addition to being homeschooled, I'm able-bodied, cisgender, White-passing, and a native citizen. I'm financially secure and have a supportive home life. My atheism and aromanticism, while not the "default" by society's standards, can be swept under the rug more easily than some identities. I feel like have the environment to take on a lot of work and accomplish a lot, so if I'm not doing that, it must be because I'm lazy.

In my worst moods, I feel almost betrayed. I want to say to my parents and teachers, "if art is such a shameful career, why did you encourage me? Why did you make me think it was okay?" or "why didn't you make me work harder and do things I hate doing? Now I'm not used to effort and hardship." I start to wish I didn't have so many privileges, or that I was abused, so that I would have a reason for slacking off so much (yes, I know that's messed up and unfair to people who have had to deal with those things).

On a purely personal level, I usually feel that I have balanced my work and rest reasonably well. I get good grades, I know basic things like how to buy stuff and cook and look up what I don't know, and I take breaks for my mental health. However, other people's expectations still affect me (and even if that weren't true, I wouldn't feel comfortable trusting only my own judgement). Although I'm meeting the requirements I feel like I need to, I'm still scared that I'll be completely unprepared for adulthood due to being "spoiled" so much as a kid. I still feel guilty that I appear to be doing so much less work than my peers. And I still feel like a failure for not doing more to "help the world".

Anywayyyy rant over, but I'm genuinely curious to hear what other people think. I'm sure other artists, privileged minors, etc have similar feelings, so how have you dealt with them? Do I sound completely nutty and make no sense? XD

[celloknight]

(cw // sfw, ambiguous relationships, demi/aromanticism

Note: This is a repost of a thread I originally posted to my twitter. Parts of it have been edited/reformatted for Tumblr.)

hs au dabihawks, based somewhat loosely on Bloom Into You:

keigo is the student council president, charming and personable, everyone admires him and he got over a dozen confessions over the winter semester alone.

touya is a loner/troublemaker who gets roped into joining the council, possibly as some kind of community service. he's rude and sarcastic, even when he doesn't mean to be.

he and keigo knew each other in middle school. some might have even called them friends. mostly, it was keigo following touya around like a baby duckling, and touya going along with it bc he'd learned that keigo wasn't so easily deterred by touya's antisocial nature.

by the time they were graduating to high school, touya might even say he was kind of fond of keigo.

something changed, though, in the last year of middle school.

keigo suddenly started changing. in the course of a year, he changed from the shy, quietly intense kid touya knew, into a social butterfly that everyone flocked to. keigo had always had good grades -- and even tutored touya once or twice -- but now his grades were spotless.

touya almost didn't recognize him anymore. though he'd never exactly known keigo well, he'd still thought he knew keigo better than most. but this new keigo was like a complete stranger to him.

keigo still hung around him, though now he'd gone from quietly intruding on touya's space, insinuating himself into touya's routine, to brightly asking touya to have lunch with him or walk home from school together. it was disconcerting.

touya became less tolerant of keigo's presence, shooting down his offers and eating or walking home alone. 

it wasn't exactly against keigo himself -- more, it was against the groupies that tended to flock around keigo now. they were all peppy social types, who couldn't understand what interest keigo could have in someone like touya. they were all fucking annoying.

but they're forced to spend more time together now that they're in student council together. keigo asks touya to be his campaign manager for his run for president, and after some convincing, touya agrees.

he's surprised to find that, when they're alone together, keigo kind of... relaxes. he's not as chatty, not as eager to impress. he's almost back to being the keigo that touya knew in middle school.

it's during one of their after-school planning sessions in the council room, twilight cast over them, that keigo confesses.

"you know, i've always admired you."

touya looks up at keigo, confused. "me?"

"you're just... so self-assured. so confident. you don't let anyone tell you what to do, or who to be."

keigo twists his hands together, smiling at them almost sadly. "it's... one of the reasons why i love you."

touya stares. he can't have heard that right. keigo peeks nervously at him, then quickly looks away.

"uh, just-- just forget it. it's no big deal. i'm not like, asking you out or anything. let's-- just get back to work."

they get back to it, but touya can't stop thinking about what keigo said. keigo loves him? what the hell for? he runs over the reasons that keigo listed, but still can't make sense of it.

he talks about it with fuyumi. or, rather, he plops down on her bed and talks at the ceiling while she tries to do her homework.

fuyumi huffs at him, annoyed. "why are you telling me all this?"

"i dunno. you're a girl. girls are good at this romance stuff."

"you're an idiot." heaving a dramatic sigh, fuyumi sets down her pencil and adjusts her glasses. "so. how do you feel about him?"

touya blinks at her, unsure what she means. "what?"

"you've only been talking about his feelings for you. how do you feel? do you like him back?"

touya doesn't have an answer. he hadn't even considered his own feelings on the matter.

"i... don't know," he finally says. fuyumi rolls her eyes, turning back to her homework.

"well, that sounds like a good place to start, don't you think?"

touya keeps that in the back of his mind over the next few days. he watches keigo, trying to figure out how he feels about him. he quickly hits a wall, all the theoretical thinking making him frustrated.

they're walking home together one day, and on a whim, touya lets their hands brush together. keigo's voice falters mid-sentence, and a blush lights up his cheeks.

huh, touya thinks, just from that? interesting.

he decides to push the experiment further, taking keigo's hand in his. keigo flat-out stops talking, glancing at touya nervously.

"touya?"

touya does a mental check over himself, examining his own reaction. he's not sure how he feels about holding keigo's hand, to be honest. it's warm, and slightly sweaty, and keigo's fingertips are rough from his violin callouses.

he lets go. "i was just wondering what it was like."

"o-oh," keigo stammers. "okay."

they walk the rest of the way in silence, going their separate ways without talking about it.

touya thinks about it again that night, staring at his hand. he's not sure how he felt about holding keigo's hand, but... keigo's reaction was kind of sweet. cute, even.

they're at a cafe going over touya's endorsement speech, when keigo blurts, "i really wasn't trying to ask you out."

touya frowns, confused by the abrupt topic change. "okay?"

keigo fiddles with his fork, saying, "i know you don't feel the same. it's okay. you don't have to... force yourself, or anything. i just... wanted you to know. i'm happy just loving you, even if you don't feel the same."

"okay," touya says.

keigo nods, and clears his throat before going back to working on the speech.

on election day, they're sitting together, waiting for the speeches to start. someone comes up to keigo to wish him luck, joking that he won't even need it, since he's so popular.

keigo smiles pleasantly and laughs along, saying something back that touya doesn't pay attention to. what *does* catch touya's attention is how keigo's hands squeeze together, how his leg bounces a little as the person leaves. keigo is nervous.

touya gets up, turning to keigo. "we've got a few minutes before they start. i'm gonna go get some air. wanna join me?"

keigo blinks up at him, not comprehending for a moment, then nods. "uh, okay. yeah, sure."

outside, they lean against the wall together, touya watching keigo carefully.

"you nervous?" he asks.

"what, me?" keigo laughs like it's a ridiculous idea. "no way!" he grins at touya, trying to tease, "why, are you nervous?"

he's deflecting, and touya can see right through it. "not really. i don't care what people think. but i know you do.”

"what?"

"it's why you put on that persona, right? because you want people to like you."

keigo presses his lips together, looking almost... upset.

"i'm not knocking you for it," touya assures him. "i was just wondering."

keigo stares at the ground, rolling a rock under his shoe. "i just... can't go back to how it was in middle school. i can't go back to who i was back then."

touya doesn't get it; he and keigo weren't exactly close in middle school, but touya didn't see anything wrong with how he was.

"if you say so," he says.

"i am nervous," keigo quietly admits. "but i can't show it. i can't let anyone know. i mean, it's a sign of weakness, right?"

touya eyes keigo, looking over the forlorn expression on his face. he can't pin down why, but he doesn't like keigo looking like that.

"hey," he says, catching keigo's attention. keigo looks up, and touya crowds him against the wall, putting a hand on his jaw to tilt him up into a kiss.

he feels keigo go still for a moment, then he melts, his hand clinging to touya's uniform jacket.

touya kisses him softly, noting the way that keigo goes pliant beneath him, the soft sounds keigo makes in the back of his throat, and the flushed, dazed look on his face when touya finally pulls away.

"wh-what was that for?" keigo asks. 

"well," touya says, straightening out keigo's uniform for him. "you're not nervous anymore, right?"

keigo swallows. "n-no," he agrees. "i guess i'm not."

touya nods, stepping back. "then let's get back inside. they're probably starting."

keigo does have an extra pep in his step as he announces his candidacy. he seems to stand a little taller, glow a little brighter. touya wonders how much of it has to do with the kiss.

touya himself isn't sure how to feel about the kiss. he's not sure he really... got anything out of it.

it felt nice, and keigo's reaction was adorable. but touya doesn't think he was affected by it in quite the same way that keigo was.

he does want to kiss keigo again, if just to see that reaction from him again. it really was adorable, and touya still thinks about it, even days later.

it ends up becoming a Thing. touya discreetly holding keigo's hand under the council table as he's presenting something, or pulling him aside to kiss him before an important speech. 'fixing' keigo's uniform for him as an excuse to run his hands over keigo's chest.

keigo doesn't question him on it; he seems just happy to get whatever touya is willing to give him. he doesn't push for kisses, doesn't initiate anything. the boldest he gets is hesitating as they're separating on their routes home, and softly asking for touya to kiss him, 'just because.'

touya indulges him, holding him by the back of the neck and kissing him sweetly. he gives a little extra than he usually does, slipping his tongue into keigo's mouth. keigo makes a lovely sound against him, and when touya pulls away, he swears he practically sees stars in keigo's eyes.

touya may not get anything from the physical acts themselves, but keigo's reactions to them are priceless. touya tucks each one away in his mind, cataloguing them like precious treasures.

maybe he doesn't feel exactly the way that keigo feels about him, but maybe that's okay. keigo is happy, snuggling up to touya when they study together in his room, and surprisingly, touya is happy, too.

(original thread in notes)

[starswallowingsea]

Growing Up Trans and AlloAro

Or whatever the hell this essay turned out to be. Under the cut because this got long (like 1340 words long). 

---

When I was younger, I never quite fit with the word “girl,” but I thought it was just because I didn’t like playing with dolls like other girls my age. I spent my first two years of school playing spies on the playground and sticking my tongue to frozen poles (and yes, it is painful but I somehow managed to not get in trouble for it). 

I would sit in our office--soon to be my baby brother’s room--and build towers out of his foam blocks and make stories for people that lived in cities I built on SimCity on our old desktop. Even with my girl friends, I would get confused about why they were talking about liking boys and getting crushes. 

I remember sitting in my friend’s basement during a freezing winter in North Dakota and she was shocked when I told her I had never seen Drake and Josh before and then grabbing her Magic 8ball and asking it if she would fall in love with Drake. 

I moved to Wisconsin a year later and had a hard time making friends. I thought we would just move again so I only talked with a handful of people in our already small school district. We would play dolls and teacher and I would get bored most days, wanting to play with the boys and make up stories. 

It was around the time that he left that I knew I was different from the other kids. They were starting to date each other as early as 3rd grade. We would tease our friends about who they were dating but I never understood why they dated in the first place. For the first few years, I would deflect questions about crushes by saying I still liked someone from my old school, but that only worked for so long. 

In 8th grade I started questioning my sexuality for the first time. I wasn’t really sure who I liked, because I didn’t really like anyone at that point. There was one kid I thought was attractive and always used him as my scapegoat when asked about crushes so nobody would know. I did like him, but it felt different than I knew my cishet peers thought about their crushes, just based on the way they talked about them. I thought I was asexual, because the internet in 2014 didn’t like to talk about aromanticism, much less than it does now anyway. 

So I joined tumblr in like, 2015, the summer between 8th grade and freshman year of high school and posted about asexuality, being nonbinary, toontown rewritten, all the stuff that 14-15yos are into. For a while I identified as heteroromantic asexual, and then nonbinary asexual quoiromantic, and then aromantic asexual and nonbinary? Or maybe I was really cis? 

And it went like that, back and forth between a few labels. I never felt like I could tell anybody, because I went to a small school and heard all the comments people made about the LGBTQ community and what my parents said about trans people and the messages preached at church. 

When I was about 16, I realized I wasn’t ace at all. I thought maybe I was a nonbinary aro lesbian, or maybe bisexual. Tumblr in 2016/17 was very against having attraction to men at all in the circles I found myself in and I pushed those feelings down so I wouldn’t make people uncomfortable. I forced myself to be attracted to women when I really wasn’t at all. Every other post about bisexuality was talking about how beautiful women were and how disgusting men were. I never felt comfortable talking about my attraction to men in public, or even in private. I felt even more uncomfortable talking about maybe being bisexual and aromantic. At this point, alloaros were practically unheard of and there weren’t a ton of trans aces, so finding someone to talk to about my identity was hard, to say the least. I just simply was alloaro, but that word didn’t exist yet and I couldn’t find anyone else who was aromantic and not asexual. 

That’s how I lived for another 2 years, as a nonbinary aro lesbian (or maybe bisexual). This was around the same time as I got involved in truscum/tucute discourse. I’ve always been minimally dysphoric about my body and got attacked for it by truscum and it would take me another 2 years to realize that I was actually a trans man. Because I started associating trans men with truscum and I didn’t want to be like them because they were always the nastiest people I had ever come across (I’ve obviously since outgrown this view point and am comfortable identifying as a man now). 

Another two years later and I’m outside a Thiesen’s with my parents picking up stuff for my graduation party that was happening later. My feet hit the pavement and I get a thought that said “maybe I’m a guy.” I stopped for a second and kept walking in, thinking about that, trying out he/him pronouns with myself and decided before we checked out that I was a trans guy. 

It took a while to get used to thinking about myself that way and I still use they/them pronouns. A few days after solidifying my gender identity, I realized I was aro and bisexual (or maybe gay). Labeling my sexuality came much easier, realizing I was a man. I’m still aromantic and that’s one thing that’s been pretty constant in my life. I never really got crushes in the typical way and I still don’t, even though you all see me reblogging yearning posts. I think that’s a byproduct of wanting to touch people in non-romantic and non-sexual ways in our society where touches have a lot of baggage with them. 

I came out as bisexual and aromantic to my roommates in September. It came up in casual conversation and I felt comfortable enough to tell them, since they were all from the city and city-folk tend to be more accepting of queer identities (not to rag on rural folk, since I am one, but rural Wisconsin is not the place you want to grow up trans and queer). One of them came out as straight in October on coming out day and I forced myself back into the closet on coming out as trans. We had a falling out with her earlier this semester and she moved out. 

Literally the night she moved out, I came out to the other two roommates as trans and they took it very well! They call me by my preferred name when we’re around people I’m out to and they even bought me a trans flag that we have hanging in the common room of our dorm (and at least one person has told me they say “trans rights!” whenever they pass by as soon as they found out it was mine). I’m still working on being socially out at college and need to call gender inclusive housing at some point, but I keep putting that off. 

And recently I’ve decided I’m trans, aro, and queer. I still use the word bisexual, but really thinking about what genders I’m attracted to is super complicated and the word bisexual doesn’t convey that to most people. And queer just fits better some days. 

I don’t really have a tl;dr for this, but if I had to pick something from this to hammer home, it would be that it’s okay to change labels and question your identity. It’s okay to change labels frequently or once every few years if you feel like they’ve changed! It’s never too late to figure out who you are and there will always be people who will accept you for who you are. 

Also tumblr is the worst place to try and figure out your identity, but sometimes its all people have and I want my blog to be a safe space for people questioning their identities. 

[raavenb2619]

Leaning While Aromantic

This is a submission for the October 2019 Carnival of Aros, on the topic of "Aromanticism and Aloneness". This post has been crossposted to Wordpress.

I was talking recently with a friend about the distinction I make between relationships and partnerships to explain why I don't want a queerplatonic relationship, and one of the differences we discussed was the idea of leaning, which invariably led to a lot of existential questions about aloneness. 

Present

In theory, leaning is simple: sometimes, when life is hard, you need to lean on something for support. But in practice, it can be pretty complex. There are a number of support systems you can turn to when you need something to lean on (money, family, partners, and interpersonal relationships, etc), but each one is different from all the others. Maybe you're estranged from your family but you have a lot of strong interpersonal relationships, or maybe you have a lot of money but not a partner. There are also a number of societal expectations around leaning, like how if you catch a cold, it's fine if your partner nurses you back to health, but it's sort-of “““weird””” if your friends take on that task instead. 

My relationship to leaning is...complicated. I'm normally self-reliant, so I don't lean very often, but when I am leaning, I'll lean on someone a lot for a short period of time. When I'm not leaning, a part of me is worrying that I'm too independent and that I need more close friends, or else next time I won't have anyone to lean on. And when I am leaning, in addition to dealing with whatever's making me lean on someone, I'm worrying that I'm leaning too hard on them, and either I'm going to lose my friend once this is over (bad), or I'm going to lose them while I'm still leaning on them (very bad). 

Now, you might think the solution is obvious. Find someone who is always willing to be there for me to lean on and be my partner, right? Well, the problem is that I don't like it when other people lean on me. A friend recently asked to borrow a book. I wasn't currently reading it, I probably wouldn't read it for the foreseeable future, and I had no sentimental attachment to it. It was just an ordinary book. And yet, my first reaction was one of possessiveness and defensiveness. I was able to perfectly rationalize that even if I never got the book back there would be no negative impact on my life, and that lending the book would lead to a positive impact on my friend's life, but getting myself to lend the book was, well, hard. I don't want to be this way by any means; I want to be able to support my friends. I just don't like it when people lean on me. 

The kind of leaning that I'm most comfortable with is when other people need someone to talk to, but even that has its limits. Fairly low stakes stuff is fine and often times enjoyable, but if it's about a super serious topic that's well above my pay grade, I'll worry in the moment that I'm not giving them the help they need, and then dodge the subject in the future. I am able to contribute some support, but I still have a net negative contribution; that is, I lean on others more than I let them lean on me. (Or at least, I think my net contribution is negative. More on this in a bit)

To further complicate matters, I'm okay with being alone for a while, but eventually I'll need to have some lightweight positive interaction with my friends. I guess you could say I'm an ambivert; I go back and forth between needing alone time and social time to recharge, but in a sort-of extreme fashion. I need places that are just for me, where I have an absolute guarantee that I can be alone with myself, and I also need places that are for others, where I have an absolute guarantee that I won't be alone with myself. Anything that infringes on my guaranteed aloneness is like the worst kind of lean on me, and while less immediate, being cut off from my guaranteed social interactions grows over time to be equally bad. 

So, in short, I rarely but intensely lean on people while also trying to avoid situations where they lean on me, even though I (at least theoretically) want to be there when they need someone to lean on, all the while needing a balance of personal space and social interaction. 

Future

But that's just the present situation. What could my future look like? What's a stable, long-term living arrangement that would make me happy? 

Totally isolated and self-reliant: This wouldn't work because sometimes I'll need someone to lean on (what do I do if I get sick?) or just have positive interactions with. 

Single partner: The idea of being the primary support for another person is a mix of uncomfortable, terrifying, and suffocating. If I met someone that I was comfortable being the dedicated support for, I could maybe see myself entering a queerplatonic relationship with them? But my repulsion from partnerships is pretty strong, so I'm not holding out hope that this would work. (And besides, I don't like the idea of hoping that I'll meet someone who will magically "fix" me and save me from all these problems)

Multiple partners: I used to think a polyamorous relationship might work for me, but as I mentioned earlier, I think I have a net negative contribution of support. I say "think" because it's possible that I'm just very bad at objectively measuring the ways I support (or would support) my partners. I don't think it's necessarily bad if one's contribution is slightly negative, but in my case I think it would be significantly negative. Furthermore, each time I redirected a partner's lean away from me and onto someone else, wouldn't I be separating myself from the rest of the group a tiny bit? And even if my partners didn't end up drifting away a bit, even if they really were fine with my behavior, even if my net contribution of support was only slightly neutral or even neutral or positive, I don't think they'd be able to convince me that everything was fine, so I'd constantly be worrying that this option was unstable and about to break down. 

Group of friends: No partnerships and no commitments should be better because I have no obligation to support others, right? Well, the trouble is that this would probably end up being an overcorrection. Without a partnership, I wouldn't have any guarantee that my friends would value our interpersonal relationship and put in as much time and effort as I'd like from them. So if my friends started dating someone, there'd a good chance they'd end up abandoning me. 

Group of friends in the same predicament as me: Having a group of mostly or all aspec friends, where we all sort-of live together in a communal space but also have private spaces for alone time is definitely a dream of mine. The only problem is that the odds of finding people to make this work in the long term feels incredibly unlikely. 

Pets: I'd love to have one or more pets, probably cats, but I'm not convinced that I'd be able to always care and support for pets and put their needs above my own. 

Children: No. I don't want kids, and that amount of responsibility for another life that's completely dependent on you is terrifying. 

Learn to let people lean on me: Considering the amount of effort I put in right now to convince myself that I'm not taking advantage of my friends by leaning on them more than they lean on me, this feels like the obvious solution. And regardless of ethical dilemmas, I do like the idea of my friends leaning on me; I care about them and want to be able to support them. But when it actually comes to providing support, letting people lean on me when I don't want them to is hard. I'm not sure if I could ever learn to let people lean on me enough that some sort of relationship/partnership/whatever could have a good chance of working in the long run, because often times it feels like my complicated relationship to leaning is intertwined with being aroace. When I look at people who are dating, people who are in partnerships of some sort, the only explanation I can fathom for how they're okay with being a major form of support for someone else is that something about wanting to enter a partnership with someone makes supporting them more tolerable. 

So, am I just supposed to hope that I never need to lean on people? Remind me why our society is set up to encourage single people to find a partner who can always support them? I mean, I have nothing wrong with being alone. Often times, I actually like being alone, having some space that's just for me. I spend a lot of my time thinking about stuff on my own, processing the topic at hand before I divulge my conclusions to other people. I don't need people. I can be self-reliant. Let me put on some music, work on a project for hours or days at a time, and I'll find joy in my work and be super productive. And when I'm in need of some social interaction, I'll seek it out and recharge for a bit, and then be ready to keep working. I can adjust to small perturbations, as long as they don't happen all at once. I have a self-balancing system that could potentially run indefinitely given the status quo remains unchanged.

But when a big wave rocks the boat, I'm gonna need something to lean on. 

[dankblogstho]

Week 2 day 5 of isolation, March 27th, 2020

Today I got an alert on my phone—sirens and everything—informing me that Guilford county will be put into a stay at home order declaration at 5pm today. We are still allowed to go out to walk the dog and to get groceries, as well as deliver food and work at essential businesses. I’m still relieved I got to get animal crossing before the town shut down, though maybe I shouldn’t be.

They passed a resolution yesterday to give money to americans to try to stimulate the economy. I imagine most of it would be spent online… Trump wants to open the country again for easter, which is preposterous if you listen to medical professionals.

My brother started jammin’ to the internationale recently. He played it for me yesterday. Initially I thought it was pretty un-catchy but I found myself singing it later on. I worked things out with my girlfriend pretty well, but unfortunately I tore open a new wound. She was playing a video game called Call of Duty: Zombies and telling me about the sexual innuendos that a certain character makes. I sent her a meme that said “Oh, you’ve had sex? Yeah, well I’ve had enough”. She felt pretty bad about that though, and I realized I had made her feel bad for enjoying something just because I didn’t enjoy that thing. I’m still really sorry about it and I’m gonna try to avoid ever doing that again. I hope she doesn’t take it seriously and change her behavior. We voice “cuddled” (chatted) last night until she fell asleep. She’s been reading homestuck, too. Right now she is on act 5! She’s spending less time with me tho consequentially.

I introduced her to my “moirail” (it’s a homestuck thing) today. They seem to have hit it off. My gf said that she loved my friend due to transitive property, haha. I haven’t played animal crossing yet today, but I played it a lot after I wrote to you last. My mom also checked her mail, finally! I’m playing the sims 3, resuming a little experiment I have going on about alien genetics in the sims 3 seasons.

I should’ve either brought my stuff down or brought my laptop upstairs because I can’t get much work done this way. Still it’s a bit better today? Honestly I’m not sure. My girlfriend is feeling really touch-starved it seems. She hasn’t told me that directly but… She wears her heart on her sleeve. I guess I’m kind of worried she’ll leave me because I know she left her Ex Long-Distance-Relationship (LDR) because she told me she couldn’t handle not having physical contact. She told me she wasn’t gonna do another ldr because she didn’t think she was capable of it. When we started dating, we had a conversation about if it would be a good idea. I discussed with her my aromanticism, her previous statement on ldrs, my inclination of possessiveness and her previous polyamory. We determined we would give it a shot. So far it’s worked, but I can’t always keep my anxieties at bay.

Apparently the first week of this home-school thing is a “Grace period”, though my science teacher is still grading assignments. I need to work harder on this. I wonder if I will have to re-take this grade? I really hope not. I need some motivating force to keep me from seeking dopamine and actually get cracking. I guess I’m sort of looking at it like im fighting the reward center in my brain. Probably the best place to start is early in the morning. I will move my laptop upstairs tonight and get my work out on my desk for the next morning. I will work as long as I can and when I cannot take anymore I will have to walk my dog before I can do anything else. I’ll also have to avoid my brother, because he tries to engage in dialogue when im working, consistently. I’ll let my girlfriend know of my plan so I can turn off my phone without fear. I suppose the pets need to be fed and so do I, though. So… Shower tonight, feed the pets when I wake up, grab a snack and then head back upstairs. I think that’s all I have for now! I’ll have to update you on how it goes tomorrow.

[a-dose-of-oranges]

Post 02 - Love is Green

12/11/2022 10:51 pm

(I actually wrote this 09/12/2021 for my Common App essay, but it’s my baby)

I used to be desperate to find a love that encompasses the color red. Red like the rose the love-struck man hopelessly searched for in Guillaume de Lorris’s part of Le Roman de la Rose. The endless pursuit of the rose served as a symbol of the man seeking out the woman he loves. I grew into a mirrored image of this man. The red rose became my favorite flower and I was obsessed with experiencing the romantic aspect of love--the one considered the most sacred of them all. 

From a young age, we are taught one ideal “red rose” image of love. A pair of soulmates, a man and a woman, who complete each other. I was taught that I will only ever need one person for my fulfillment. The premonition officially took root in the second grade, when I claimed to have a crush on a boy I barely even knew. I did not even question if I felt any romantic attraction towards him; it was an impulsive response. Not to my friend telling me she has a boyfriend, but to society telling me I will one day be searching for a man who will serve as my other half. 

As years passed, I learned that love was not always between the handsome prince and the fair maiden. Love ceased to be the story of the red rose I blindly believed it to be. For Oscar Wilde, love was the green carnation. Although not explicitly stated, the flower both represented an appreciation for the arts and served as a subtle hint that he was a man who loved another man. In Chain of Gold by Cassandra Clare, Matthew Fairchild wears the green carnation for similar reasons. Except to better represent his bisexuality, he viewed the flower as a celebration of loving anyone regardless of their gender. The love I desired should never have been limited to a man. I remained unlabelled and decided to love whoever I chose as romance is between people and identity does not matter. 

I remained unsatisfied with the meaning of love even after breaking the barriers of gender. I yearned for the feeling, and yet I never truly felt any romantic attraction towards anyone. My perception shattered then. I realized I was not only a victim of heteronormativity but amatonormativity as well. Surrounded by fairytale romances and K-dramas, I equated finding love to finding happiness. From the moment I confessed in second grade until I comprehended my aromanticism, I believed that getting married to my hypothetical soulmate was expected of me. And as a people pleaser, I wanted to fulfill those expectations as soon as possible. However, incapable of feeling the romantic attraction, I instead decided that romance is not as important as society has made it out to be. 

Even if I accept my aromantic identity, I can still love just as much as the next person. My love for little things such as books and the WNBA remained stagnant. More importantly, I love my friends and family. I do not need to search for my soulmate, but I have people I want in my life. Romantic attraction is not the only form of love. It was merely put on a pedestal above all else. 

I thought there was something poetic in the idea that my comfort character’s flower was the same color as the main one of the aromantic pride flag.  Like how Matthew Fairchild expanded the original symbolism of the green carnation to better fit himself, I decided I wanted to claim the green carnation as my own as well. Now, the green carnation is loving despite all societal barriers. That includes both the heteronormative and amatonormative standards.

Although love is no longer painted the familiar, yet outdated red I grew up with, love is now a brighter green, a color that satisfies all shapes and forms.

[aroworlds]

Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Techno

Our next aro-spec creator is Techno or @techno-trashcan, better known to aro-spec Tumblr as @aro-soulmate-project​!

Techno is an aroace writer and musician who’s doing amazing work in reclaiming and reshaping amatonormative narratives. I can’t describe her craft better than how she’s put it herself, so I’ll quote her blog header: writing to redefine the concept of soulmates from an aromantic perspective.

She’s also found on Arocalypse under the same username, for folks who want to get to know her and her work outside of Tumblr!

With us Techno talks about aro narrative in an amatonormative world, her love for the aro-spec community, the isolation of being an aro creative and an amazing-sounding original work we should all be looking forward to. Her passion for aro storytelling is writ in every word, so please let’s give her all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

When I was growing up, for years I never even considered my orientation. I didn’t get crushes–there was at least one instance where I thought I did or pretended I did because I wanted to be friends with a boy, but that was when I was very, very young. I never really developed an interest in boys (or girls, or anyone else), even once I hit puberty, and I really never thought that was weird. It wasn’t until 9th grade that things changed; there was a guy at my school who apparently had a crush on me, although I, being aro and oblivious, did not realize it at the time. He asked me if I liked anyone, and I said I didn’t, and chalked it up to being because I’d grown up with the same boring boys for so many years, so how could I? But I really didn’t think it was weird until he told me that “everyone likes someone at some point” and I got highly defensive without even knowing why.

And when I brought this up to people around me, they were like, “yeah, well, it is kind of weird, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing,” and I’d learned what asexuality was, and by extension aromanticism, around that time. I don’t really know when the seed was planted in my brain or when I really embraced my orientation, but somewhere along the line it just became a part of my life. It’s been four years and nothing’s changed, so I guess I have that boy to thank for setting me on this path. And that’s my aro story, or the short version at least.

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?

I’ve always been drawn to writing, music and art. I’m a musician, I like to draw sometimes even if I’m bad at it, and I’ve been writing stories from a young age. Writing definitely became an outlet for me throughout the most complicated moments of my life, even if I didn’t always use that outlet appropriately or effectively. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I always have something to say!

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

I find writing about my aro experiences, even if just for myself, cathartic at times. On my aro blog, I have a writing project where I take prompts and ideas for soulmate AUs and stuff and turn them on their heads, because arospec people are so often left out of that conversation or just written in with a “soulmates can be platonic too so sure aros are included i guess” in a way that erases many aro experiences, so I try to combat that. Sometimes just writing out how I feel is a way of expressing my aro experiences in its own way, too.

Please click keep reading to continue Techno’s story!

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

When I was younger and didn’t know what being aro even was, I would try to write romance, and it’d either end up really cliche or just completely bland because I had no idea what I was talking about. And once I realized why that was, trying to write romance became basically impossible because I have no experience to channel when doing it.

I also feel like most people don’t want to read a story without romance, or else they’ll just try to read between the lines and find it even when it doesn’t exist (shipping culture is a prime example of that). For that reason I often feel alienated from other writers, and I feel like no story I ever write will satisfy some people.

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

The aro community means a hell of a lot to me. The community here on Tumblr and also on Arocalypse is the only community I really have, as I don’t know any out aro-spec people in real life. I used to feel more connected to the ace community than the aro community, but at some point that dynamic got turned on its head. I often find myself frustrated with parts of the ace community because of the way it sometimes erases or devalues aro-spec experiences in favor of reinforcing the idea that asexual people can and often do still experience romantic attraction and form romantic relationships, and that’s an extremely important distinction to make, but the delivery often leaves me, as an aroace, feeling like I’ve been left on the backburner.

What frustrates me with the aro community is how small we are, but more so I’m astounded each and every day by the amount of love that pours out of this community, and the nuanced and thoughtful discussions that so many of us are just dying to have the moment we’re given the opportunity.

TL;DR: I love the aro community with every inch of my sad aro heart.

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?

Being an aro creative can be extremely isolating. As I said before, people want a good romance story so badly they’ll even read one where there isn’t, and this goes for stuff like music, too. So much content out there is all about romantic love and that’s extremely isolating for an aro-spec person. With my soulmate project, just searching for more prompts exposes me to so much erasure and amatonormativity. Some of these people are the same people who say they support us, but they are so quick to erase us when it means they get the story they want.

Writing about my experiences and having no one pay attention to them feels like screaming at the top of my lungs into a void that never answers.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

Following me at @aro-soulmate-project and reblogging my work is the best way to do that! I also very much appreciate messages, questions, suggestions, anything! Even just talking to other aros gives me the drive to create more.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

Currently my project is on a bit of a hiatus as I finish up my semester at college and get back into the swing of things, but I’m still posting other stuff, and I should hopefully be back at it again soon! Generally, I find a prompt for a soulmate-related story online and then think about how I could twist it to fit a possible aro experience. It gets hard to cover the wide range of aro experiences, but mostly I want to work against the idea that everyone has their perfect match out there and will some day never be alone again, even platonically, because that’s simply not true, and even works which incorporate aros usually don’t do it tastefully, accurately, or organically. I try to keep them varied, but a lot of them are just me projecting! I need to go on the hunt for more prompts, so send them my way if you’ve got them…

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

Oh boy, I’m excited! A few years ago I wrote a short story for my fiction class called The Heartless that was basically a metaphor for aro(ace) experiences. And now that I have a lot more experiences on both the writing front and the aro front, I’m rewriting it and expanding on it! It’s a vaguely fantasy story that deals with the main character, Ace (haha), going on a journey to find out what happened to his parents and his best friend. Without giving too much away, it deals with navigating what it means to be human in a world where everyone else is constantly dehumanizing you. Aro experiences, wholesome platonic shenanigans ensue. I can’t say when it’ll be done, because I’m notoriously bad at keeping up with projects, but I plan on posting it to my aro blog once it’s done!

[ernmark]

Do you think Rilla loves Damien the way he loves her? It seems that she loves him as a friend and less romantically

I was wondering the same thing the first time we met her. Now that we’ve spent some time with her, though, the short answer is yes, I absolutely think she loves him as more than a friend. 

We’ve seen that Rilla repeatedly prioritizes Damien above herself and above others around her. Of course, it’s hard to see that clearly because Rilla is naturally a lot lower energy and generally more reserved than Damien is, so we see her express her feelings a lot less openly than he does– and she has a vested interest in keeping it that way. 

Before I plunge into my evidence jar, though, I’d like to add a caveat:

Aromanticism is a thing that exists. You could easily make the argument that Rilla is aromantic and that her love for Damien is more in line with a queerplatonic relationship than a romantic one, but either way, Damien’s going to hold Most Important Person status in Rilla’s book.

Rilla prioritizes Damien. A lot.

I’ve talked before about her grand entrance during the second duel: she heard the sounds of a struggle, she saw a dead rat the size of a horse, she knew he (an armed, trained Knight of the Queen) was in danger,and she (a civilian specifically not trained in combat) came running to his aid anyway. 

So we already know that she prioritizes his safety over her own. You could make the argument that that’s kind of her schtick as a medical professional. After all:

You try having as manypeople relying on you as I do, Marc, and then tell me if you can afford tobe scared.

Even so, she worries about Damien to a degree that we haven’t seen her worry about anybody else-- particularly Marc and Talfryn. Marc refers to Rilla as being “like my sister for as longas I can remember”, which indicates a pretty solid and long-lasting friendship; I wouldn’t be surprised if they were counted as two of her best friends. Marc and Tal are capable, but they’re still both civilians, they’re poorly outfitted and equipped, they’re seemingly always just short of essential supplies like food and Marc’s medicine, and they don’t have the Knights of the Citadel backing them up when they leap headlong into danger. But Rilla pointedly doesn’t freak out about either of them the way she does about Damien. 

Look at her priorities when it came to destroying the Damien decoy:

I just knew that if he wasreal, and if you or I or Dampierre or anyone else somehow got hurt trying tosave him, he’d never forgive himself. 

Note that it wasn’t “I couldn’t let you or Dampierre get hurt”-- it was that either of them getting hurt would be bad for Damien specifically. (This isn’t to say she doesn’t care about her friends, just what takes precedence in her mind.) 

I think it’s also important to point out that she was willing to kill Damien herself-- which was incredibly traumatic for her, even if it wasn’t actually him-- in order to spare him from a trauma so intense that it would be “worse than killing him”. 

That’s all in the dramatic life-or-death stuff, but it also shows up in the little everyday things. Look back to the first night of the festival:

RILLA: I don’t like to admit it, but I always look forward to the Festival of the Three. The flags, the fights, even those goofy-looking tents…DAMIEN: It’s Saint Aaron’s Night tonight. You should go see some of the fights in the square.RILLA: I don’t think so. I think I’d rather be here. With you.

Looking at the context: it’s almost midnight, she’s exhausted, she’s already seen Damien that morning (probably early that morning, too), there’s an event below that she’s really excited about, and she’s probably got other friends down there that she could hang out with. But she climbs at least four stories worth of stairs to come see him while he’s on guard duty, and she insists on hanging out with him even after he tells her to go and have fun without him.

Even in the little everyday ways, being with him is her priority. 

So yes. Damien is Very Important to Rilla. Arguably more so than most of the people in her life. But that comes across more in her actions than in her words for one big reason:

Rilla isn’t very open in general.

It’s a pretty striking contrast, really: Damien is energetic and excitable, and he’s so quick to talk about his emotions that “I must speak my heart” is his freakin’ catchphrase. Standing next to him, absolutely anybody is going to look quiet and reserved by comparison. Rilla in particular has a fairly low-energy personality, and she’s particularly not the kind of person who talks about her feelings freely.

If her behaviors aren’t enough evidence on their own, we can always point to her description in the script:

Likes people, but really likes her alone time. (KotC/LotS)

Mostly just wants to beleft alone. (TH)

The woman is a Grade A introvert.

(Speaking of extremely introverted ladies with extroverted love interests, this isn’t the first time on the Penumbra that we’ve seen a relationship that’s lopsided in terms of energy levels and emotional expression. In fact, I’d argue that Juno and Peter are even more so, with one key difference: Juno is the narrator, so we can see all the pining and infatuation that doesn’t actually make it into his dialogue.)

Like I said, Rilla’s pretty emotionally reserved. The first time we see her hold Damien’s hand, it’s while he’s working himself into a panic about Angelo. The first time we see her hug him, it’s when he’s freaking out about Arum. We see her gently ribbing and being casually affectionate with him (calling him “sir poet”, laughing with him, teasing him during the story, etc), but when he’s upset, she’s a whole lot more clear and careful about her affection. It’s important to her that he understand that she cares about him.

It’s not just Damien she’s reserved with, either-- she teases Marc too, but a lot harder, and it’s clear that it hurts him:

MARC: I’ve been riding days to seeyou, Rilla! You must have a couple minutes for your best friend.RILLA: I already said hi to Dampierre.MARC: (NERVOUS LAUGH) Careful. If you keep joking about that, I mightstart to think it’s true.

Compare that to the way she speaks to Damien just a few minutes before:

RILLA: I had a good time, Damien. I’m just tired.DAMIEN: Tired? Have I tired you?RILLA: (EXHAUSTED) No. Actually, staying up all night at the festival made me tired. Weird, right?

She’s a lot more gentle with him, and for good reason. I think if she started joking with Damien the way she does with Marc, he’d take it to heart instantly. I mean, look at what happened when Rilla sidestepped a question:

Did I ask her when? I don’t recall. Did I ask her and she didn’t answer? What does that mean, Saint Damien? Does it mean she doesn’t want to marry me? That she doesn’t love me? Perhaps she doesn’t today. Perhaps she never has, or what if— No, no. That’s absurd....  But… then why wouldn’t she answer? Have I pressured her too much? No, no… but what if I have?What if I always have? I’ll have to ask her....

And so forth.

Where Rilla is relatively callous toward Marc, she goes out of her way to reassure Damien that she does love him. 

RILLA: I know it’s hard for you. I’ll say it as many times as I need to. I love you, Damien.

Her wording here-- “as many times as I need to”-- seems to indicate that this is a bit outside of her comfort zone. Most of her behavior here seems to be a little bit outside her comfort zone, actually. She doesn’t seem the type who typically says she loves people so directly, or initiates casual physical contact. The fact that she does for Damien’s sake says a lot. 

Rilla doesn’t do vulnerability.

I’ve mentioned before that when Marc is hurting or scared, he gets mouthy. Rilla does the opposite. When she starts feeling vulnerable, she tries to stop the conversation altogether.

RILLA: The poetry’s seen better days. He’s in the middle of a sonnets phase, but at least it’s better than the odes.MARC: And the monsters?RILLA: (TOO DEFENSIVE) They’re monsters? What do you want?MARC: You… just didn’t mention—RILLA: Marc, do you mind? I can’t with you talking.

Notice how abruptly she goes from a perfectly normal (if a little bit grouchy) conversation to completely shutting him down. And then we see her do it again:

MARC: Alright, so. We just need to figure out if this is an illusion, right? So could this have been pulled from the pain-center of your brain?RILLA: Oh, what a shock. The sight of my fiancée being crushed to death upsets me.MARC: No, I mean… today. Tal was on my mind today and the Rattle-Panther was on Dampierre’s. Why would you be worried about a monster killing Damien today?RILLA: (SNAPPING) Just stop and let me think!

And again:

MARC: Ha ha, Rilla, you did it! Did you see that thing burst? It was another fungus-illusion all along! (PAUSE. SHE DOESN’T RESPOND. HE TRIES TO CHEER HER UP) So, um, how did you figure it out?RILLA: I didn’t.MARC: Uh… what?RILLA: (PAUSE. WHEN SHE SPEAKS, SHE NEEDS TO COLLECT HERSELF, NOT THE SAMPLES) Listen, I… just need a second to collect some samples. We still have to make your medicine.

She tries really hard to do it again, but Marc isn’t backing down, and eventually she cracks and actually starts saying what’s on her mind:

MARC: Are you sure… are you sure you want to marry someone like that? That mushroom showed us the thought hurts you, but… it’s going to happen, one day. Do you really want to live through that?RILLA: Marc, I’m tired. Just take your medicine and get out of here, okay? Please?MARC: Rilla, I’m trying to talk—RILLA: And I’m trying to stop talking, so drop it.(BEAT. THEN, ANGRY)Don’t condescend to me, okay? I can be scared that Damien is going to die in the slime of some monster and still want him to be a knight. I think he’s an idiot for it, but whatever. I love him. I want him to be happy. And if that means burying him with a talon through his heart one day, fine. I’ll do it.

Marc isn’t the only one she shuts down this way when she gets upset-- but when she does it with Damien, it sounds different:

DAMIEN: Please don’t worry for me, Rilla. This is my duty as a knight.RILLA: I’m not worried about you. You’ll win. You always win. I’m just trying to keep you from killing yourself in the process.

DAMIEN: But… my duel tonight…RILLA: After your duel. (HIDING HER CONCERN IN A BORED TONE) You’ll win, Damien. You always win.DAMIEN: But if I don’t… promise me you’ll remember me for last night? Dancing beneath the bell? Not—RILLA: Fine, I promise. Now go. I want sleep.

Once again, she shuts down the conversation-- but rather than snapping at him the way she does with Marc, she uses droll confidence to deny that Damien dying is even an option. 

She probably could talk about this with Damien-- after all, he prioritizes her as much as she does him-- but if he thought his being a knight was hurting her, he’d probably seriously consider giving it up, and she’s not willing to stop him from doing what he loves. So she keeps her mouth shut and swallows her anxieties. And yeah, at times that means she can be a little short with him. But even then, it’s never without love.

[ec-sanderssides]

Priorities

Sorry this took so long. I just really wanted to get this right. It’s a topic that’s quite close to my heart, so it needed to be perfect. I hope you like it. Also I’m tagging @obviouslyelementary because I thought you might appreciate it. Anyway, enjoy. 

The other three weren’t being subtle.

Logan wasn’t sure how they hadn’t figured it out by now. If he, the least emotionally-driven trait, had been able to deduce the reason for the stammered words, lingering looks, and “accidental” touches, surely the three of them should have been able to.

He really hoped they realized their mutual attraction to each other and became romantically involved soon. He could only take so much sighing and pining in the mindscape. To this end, he had begun to leave the three of them alone with each other more. Begging off movie nights, stepping out early from family dinners, claiming the need for work more and more often in the evenings.

He didn’t mind. Really. While he did enjoy spending time with the others, he recognized that they might not be comfortable admitting their romantic affections to each other while he was present. And he understood the importance of such connections to others, despite never experiencing romantic attraction himself. So he could stand to spend a few nights alone.

He made sure to keep this thought firmly in mind as he quietly slipped away from the living room, where he could see the others making a blanket fort. Morality’s idea probably, although the other two didn’t seem to be complaining.

When he reached his room, he went to pick up the latest book he had been reading, The Song of Achilles. It had been recommended to Thomas a while back by one of his fans, and Logan had been intrigued enough by the concept to pick it up.

However, while the book was well-written and engaging, as Logan stared down the pages, he just couldn’t muster up the enthusiasm for it. Perhaps something less romantically oriented would be better for tonight. And besides, he did have papers to grade.

Setting aside the book, Logan pulled the pile of essays into his lap, absentmindedly uncapping a red pen. He hoped the others were having a good night, and that they would sort themselves out. They were his dearest friends, and the closes bonds he would ever have. He wanted them to be happy. They deserved it, and each other.

Thankfully it was only two weeks later, before Logan’s quiet meddling had bore fruit. Somehow, it has seemed crass to press for more detail, one of the outings he had excused himself from had resulted in confessions spilling out, and the three were now happily dating. Logan was glad for them. 

Only,he couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit of dissatisfaction. For him things hadn’t changed that much. Some part of Logan had thought that once all the romantic feelings had been worked out, he could resume his routines with the others. And yet, he still tended to duck out more evenings that not.

It wasn’t as thought the others were unwelcoming, but there was definite sense of awkwardness and intrusion now. Logan had sat in on one movie night after the three of them had gotten together, but had left halfway through the first movie. The way the three of them and acted had felt so much like a date. And well, who wanted a fourth wheel on their dates? They were probably glad he had left.

It wasn’t as if he never saw the others. Morality still made time to cook with him, an activity Anxiety had little interest in, and Prince was abysmal at. Anxiety still let himself be dragged into impromptu debates. And Prince still dragged him out into the forest to identify whatever new creature or animal he had found this time.

So really, this new distance between them was nothing to be concerned about. In fact, it should have been expected. Romantic relationships were prioritized, Logan knew this well. It was only natural for the other three to focus more on each other now. It was logical even.

(And yet, despite all his rationalization. Logan still felt small shred of loneliness slip into him. He forced himself to ignore it. There was nothing to be done)

In the weeks that followed, Logan kept to his new routine. He had to say, it did do wonders for his productivity. And he’d still had time to finish several books he had been meaning to read for quite some time. So it wasn’t all bad. 

He had also been sure to express his happiness for the others at multiple intervals, as well as assuring them that he himself was quite content.

As such, he thought he had been able to conceal his more selfish feelings, but something must have slipped, as Morality had approached him.

“Hey, buddy,” the more cheerful said, smiling, “What’s up?”

‘Not much,” Logan said, glancing at him. “I’m just doing some prep work for upcoming videos.”

“Anything pressing,” Morality asked. His tone was seemingly light-hearted, but there was an edge of something else. Logan couldn’t place it.

“I suppose there’s nothing too urgent,” Logan replied cautiously.

“Sooo, you can come hang out with us this evening,” Morality said, wheedling. “We can watch Big Hero 6.”

Logan felt an excuse automatically rise from his lips. “I’m sorry, Morality, but I also planned to do some grading this evening. Perhaps next time.”

“Will there ever actually be a next time, or do you plan on avoiding us forever?” Prince interjected, leaning against the doorway.

Morality turned and frowned at him. “Roman…”

“Look, Morality, I know you said you would handle it, but quite frankly, I want answers.” Prince said, coming more fully into the room. Anxiety trailed after him.

Morality sighed, then looked back at Logan. “He, he does kind of have a point. You haven’t been spending much time with us lately. It’s a little worrying.”

Logan felt his shoulders hunch a little. He hadn’t intended to worry them.

“My apologies,” he said softly. “I only hoped to make your more comfortable.”

Anxiety raised his eyebrow skeptically. “Dude, what part of avoiding us like the freaking plague was supposed to make us more comfortable?”

“I just didn’t want to intrude,” Logan explained. “The three of you are romantically linked now. I am not. It was only logical to give you space to explore and enjoy your new affections without the awkwardness of my presence.”

“Just because we’re dating doesn’t mean, we don’t want you around!’ Morality exclaimed.

“That’s not what I meant,” Logan hastened to assure him. He hesitated before continuing. He had never told the others about his orientation. It had seemed unimportant before. But perhaps now was the time to come out, as it were.

“I’m aromantic,” he stated simply, not letting his face reveal any of his nervousness. “I do not, and likely never will, experience romantic attraction. There’s nothing wrong like that, and I’m perfectly content as I am. But back to the situation at hand.”

He took in a deep breath, one hand going up to adjust his glasses, the only hint as to his agitation aside from his pounding heart. The emotionally charged atmosphere was getting to him.

“Despite not experiencing romantic attraction,” he continued. “I am aware of its importance to others. I know that romantic relationships are held to be the most important form of relationships, that they are prioritized over platonic ones. As such, after the three of you got together. I realized that your new relationship would be your priority, and sought to make that easier for you, by excusing myself when necessary.”

He looked up at them. The three of them seemed oddly upset looking.

He gentled his tone. “It’s nothing bad,” he told them “And I don’t mind distancing myself a bit. I’ve become enormously productive actually. Perhaps this all was for the best.”

He pulled his lips up into a smile. It didn’t feel fully natural.

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said. “I’ll go back to my room to work.”

He turned away from others, and began walking down the hallway. Everything he had said had been true. (So why did he feel so sad?)

Back in the common area, Anxiety was the first one to break the silence that had followed Logic’s departure.

“This feels wrong,” he said flatly. “I don’t know how we can fix it, but this feels wrong.”

The words snapped Patton out of his stupor. “I agree,” he said, running one hand through his hair. “I know he said everything was fine, but this doesn’t feel fine!”

“Yeah, and all that bullshit about how he shouldn’t be our priority,” Anxiety said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “What was up with that?”

“I don’t know,” Patton sighed. “Roman, what do you think?”

But there was no response from the royal.

“Roman?” Patton turned to look at him. The other side was on his phone. When he felt the other two staring at him, he looked up.

“What?” he defended himself. “I was looking up aromanticism. I’d never heard of it before”

“Whatever,” Anxiety said, turning back towards Patton. “Seriously, do you have any solutions? Because I’ve got nothing.”

Patton pursed his lips. “We could try making him show up to things like movie nights?” he suggested uncertainly. “Don’t take no for an answer?”

“If he feels like he’s intruding, that’s not going to stop even if we make him show up,” Anxiety replied, shaking his head. "Try again.”

They went on for a few minutes like that, Patton offering ideas, Anxiety pointing out the problems with each one. Finally Patton threw up his hands in frustration.

“I give up!” he said. “I just want some way to show him that he’s just as important to us, and that we care about him, even if we aren’t dating him. Why is that so hard to figure out?”

“Actually, I may have a solution,” Prince said, still staring at his phone. Anxiety and Patton turned to face him.

He looked up. “Have either of your heard the term ‘queerplatonic' before?”

When Logan came down for breakfast the next morning and saw the other three waiting for him with expectant looks on their faces, he could help but to groan internally. He really hadn’t been trying to cause a fuss.

“Salutations,” he said, pretending to be oblivious to the atmosphere. “Are those waffles?”

“Logan,” Morality stepped forward, and it seemed there was no avoiding this. “We have something to ask you.”

“Yes?” Logan said, arching an eyebrow.

“I was doing some research on aromanticism last night,” Prince said, stepping forward, “and I came across something interesting. I assume you’re familiar with the concept of queerplatonic relationships.”

Logan’s brow furrowed.

A queerplatonic relationship, a relationship that is not romantic but involves a close platonic emotional connection beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship.  

He was familiar with the term, but he wasn’t sure why Roman was bringing it up.

“Logan,” Morality was saying, his voice gentle. “We want to be in a queerplatonic relationship with you.”

Logan’s brain broke. They-they couldn’t possibly be asking what he thought they were asking.

“Wh-what?” he managed to stammer out, scrambling to get his thoughts back in working order.

“We want to be in a queerplatonic relationship with you,” Anxiety said boldly, moving out of the shadows. “Because all that bullshit before, about priorities and stuff, none of that’s true. We care about just as much as we care about each other. You’re not some freaking intruder.”

“I, be that as it may,” Logan said carefully. “You can’t be serious. This wouldn’t be like the bond the three of you share, and quite frankly, alloromantic people tend to hold romantic relationships in higher esteem.”

“Who cares if it’s different?“ Prince said, sounding frustrated. “My relationship with Anxiety isn’t anything like my relationship with Patton, but I still love them both. Neither of them is less important than the other. And as for the second part, do you really think so little of us? That we would value you less simply because of who you are?”

“I, well, no” Logan began, his head now really spinning, but his traitorous heart was oddly hopeful.

“We love you,” Morality said simply. “Even if we’re not in love with you, we love you. And we want to show you that. The only question is, do you feel the same way?”

Logan squeezed his eyes shut.

“Yes.” he whispered. “Yes, I do. I always have. You, you’ve been my closest friends, the deepest relationship I’ve ever had. You’ve been my partners, in everything.”

Arms wrapped around him. “Then that’s the only thing that matters,” Morality murmured. “We can figure out everything else later.”

Another set of arms. “Does this mean you’ll come back to movie nights?” Anxiety asked. “Because it’s not the same without someone else to snark with.”

Prince’s arms wrapped around all three of them. “I’m so relieved this worked out,” he exclaimed. “I love a happy ending!”

Logan couldn’t help but to laugh. Even if he’d had Prince’s imagination, he never could have imagined this. Standing in the kitchen, surrounded by the warmth of his friends, no, partners, Logan felt his loneliness melt away.  He had been wrong before, about the priories.

He had never been so happy about being mistaken.

[lizzieraindrops]

sally grissom

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts​ , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are responsible for the hijinks found in this post. @lizzieraindrops especially for this one

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates! ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

this is one of many individualized advanced PLACEMENT works, for stories of each character involved. we each wrote the story that we each post, with input from the others.

IMPORTANT NOTE: sally is deliberately written as aroace (aromantic and asexual) for the purposes of this au, but this particular individual representation of this orientation may not look quite like what you’re expecting. please see the separate post i made discussing why that is for further information.

sally grissom grew up on a farm in iowa in a town even smaller than point-of-exile, trying to construct rube goldberg machines out of cornstalks and accidentally starting more than one crop circle conspiracy theory

she got moved up a grade way back in second because she’s really bright, so not only is she Younger than everyone, she is even Smoller

literally always the scrawniest tiniest in class

she didn’t really get along with most of the kids, they thought she was weird and tended to ignore her

which was not fun but still preferable to active bullying, although she wonders sometimes if the only reason it didn’t escalate was because she was good at keeping to herself and out of the way

she actually enjoys her own company over that of most people, but she definitely gets lonely, too

but there was one girl who actually asked sally why she was eating raisins on tortilla chips instead of laughing at her

and actually tried the raisin-laden chip sally offered her and pronounced it “not bad,” even though she never tried it again

she became sally’s absolute best friend

and sally felt like she had everything she really needed

tiny sally never really thought much about boys, or girls, or dating, or anything

she’s always been more preoccupied by just existing. it’s a complicated but exciting business, existence, even and perhaps especially when you’re small, and just look at all the other things that be out here existing in the world, it’s incredible

science and especially the field of physics appealed to her from a very young age, because at heart and in the right hands, it’s the pursuit of understanding, tiny piece by tiny piece, how the existing world works at a very deep level, and she finds that incredibly satisfying

she’s always been pretty happy and fulfilled by just bopping along doing her own thing as she moves through the world

but she got increasingly uneasy as she got older and everyone around her started obsessing about things she found relatively uninteresting compared to the miracles of the workings of the universe, and looked at her like there was something wrong with her when she said so

eventually she learned to deflect attention when people asked who she had a crush on or who she thought was cute

because she didn’t have an answer, and she knew that not having an answer was the Wrong answer, because it’s a witch hunt question. if you don't answer it Properly, you're hiding something, and your accuser definitely knows what it is better than you do

she just wanted to tinker with her projects and learn about the world and spend her time with her best friend who was so near and dear to her, why was everyone talking about kissing and sex and ??? expecting her to Do something about it, whether she wanted to or not

“why on earth would i want to kiss a boy when i could be hanging out with you and wiring more LEDs onto my halloween costume. I’m gonna look badass this year”

this friend, she was sally’s everything, and that was never a problem

until everything and everyone changed around her

(even her)

(long before she lost her, sally knew she was losing her to whatever inexorable forces were changing everything and she could neither understand it nor stop it)

and then, sally had to move to colorado the summer before 8th grade, relocating for one of her parents’ jobs

and everything was gone

no; sally was gone. and she wasn’t going to be able to go back.

she was dropped into the point-of-exile school system just too late to get to know the current batch of junior high kids, and too early to make a fresh start of it going into high school along with everyone else

and then, of course, she had to have an identity crisis right then, on top of the stress of relocation

sally had to really rethink things after The Move, because although she tried so hard to maintain contact, she lost touch with her best friend, and it shattered her heart. and she knew she wasn’t Supposed to have this much of a broken heart over something like that, but that didn’t make the shards any smoother. actually, it only made it hurt worse, because she didn’t feel like she could tell anyone 

she had to wonder, was she actually gay? had she been in love with her the whole time without knowing? sally might not Get people a lot of the time, but she knew that girls were only supposed to feel like this about boys they wanted to kiss, not their best friends. was this what people meant about crushes and all?? but she didn’t want any of that gross romantic stuff, either. was she just lonely? or did classic hyperfocus sally just plain care too much? she didn’t know. she didn’t know.

this prompted a whole lot of questioning and self-exploration

she spent much of her time online, at first, when she got to colorado

like, more than usual

sally has always been a meme trash internet junkie

she stayed in her little bedroom with the blinds half-shuttered until she started finding words that made sense

she learned that asexuality was a Thing and identified strongly with it right off the bat and has never looked back

aromanticism also made a Lot of sense to her and she knows she’s somewhere (enthusiastic handwavey gestures) there on that spectrum, too

she also learned a lot about other LGBT stuff during this intensive research period because parts of that Also made sense

the jury’s still out on whether she was gay for her friend or not, and probably always will be, but that’s okay

because she started realizing that it was okay for the the most important relationships in her life to Not look like what people expected them to, and that she could do anything she wanted to and didn’t have to do anything she didn't

and at some point during the summer before she starts high school, esther roberts walked up to her with a slightly manic grin, looking like she was gonna befriend her or die trying

sallys instinct when esther marches up to her is to ignore and avoid, but esther is a sharp girl whose opening move is to compliment the star trek t-shirt that you can barely see under sally's oversized flannel

(sally loves overlarge floppy clothes)

because of that sally decides to give her a chance

even though she’d really just like to be left alone to try and sort herself out

anyway, sally ends up getting dragged to lunch with her and jack and anthony

and anthony’s like “for heaven’s sake esther will you stop strongarming random strangers into coming to lunch with you, i bet she doesn’t even know trigonometry”

and sally's like “fuck you i’m going straight into calculus in the fall”

and anthony perks up his ears and is like !!!!!!! friend!!!!!!!!!! MATH FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!

and esther’s like “she looked like a nerd, i thought she might like to hang out with you losers”

and jack’s like “hey!!” but anthony doesn’t even notice bc he’s already started talking to sally about math

and slowly, sally realizes how not-straight all her new friends are and she just. feels so comfortable, without so many expectations

sally and esther have a special Bond abt queer stuff. it’s harder for sally to talk about things like that with anthony even though he becomes her best friend in the whole world

(perhaps because he’s her best friend in the whole world, and she has trouble reconciling her current reality with the old sally grissom who had never lost one)

for a long, long time, esther is the Only person who knows about the girl from iowa

because esther’s a girl who likes girls and it’s a lot less scary to tell her that sally might-have-liked-a-girl-once but isn’t sure and may never be

and she cries because she wants definitive answers, she wants something that makes sense, but this time she may never get it. this, she, is an experiment that will probably never have enough data to draw any kind of conclusion.

but esther tells her it’s okay either way. it’s okay if she did and it’s okay if she didn’t.

and sally gradually realizes it’s okay to be uncertain. it’s okay to exist blurred across the lines of what people expect and outside the boxes of what makes sense. hell, maybe it’s okay for what’s outside the boxes to make more sense than what’s in them. isn’t heisenberg’s uncertainty principle necessary to understanding quantum mechanics?

and slowly,

slowly

that old wound finally starts healing, though it leaves a scar

and the question becomes less and less pressing, with time

later, in high school, sally and esther meet down by the garden shed at school whenever they need to Talk about things

nothing calms sally down like the feeling of sitting down cross-legged on a solid-but-squishy spare bag of Miracle Gro

once, someone started teasing about them going to the shed to mess around and sally kicked a watering can in frustration and accidentally sent it through a window and got detention for destroying school property

but esther ended up in detention with her because she chased down whoever was making fun of them

and kicked their ass

sally runs back into the shed because of the double embarrassment of the accusation and the watering can mishap

(esther later teases sally kindly with jokes about going back into the closet/shed)

one time the science beans are chilling in the lab one afternoon and jack and esther are playing dilemma at the bench next to anthony, who is finishing up his lab writeup

quentin is dozing on the couch with an open manila folder over his face

sally is somehow sitting cross-legged on a lab stool, eating her way through a tin of anchovies that she’s individually wrapping in steamed spinach and then devouring with gusto

and jack is sure he’s about to beat esther at cards but she suddenly pulls the rug out from under him with an unexpected play and beats him

“goddamit esther, how do you always do this, do you keep a fricken ace up your sleeve just to fuck with me”

and esther just makes three seconds’ worth of eye contact with sally in dead silence, not moving because if she moves she’ll start laughing

and sally, who has been agonizing over coming out to the rest of the gang as ace for awhile now but hasn’t been able to figure out how to do it, 

suddenly blurts “i don’t wanna be in anyone’s pants OR sleeves”

esther fucking loses it

quentin peers out from under his folder, bemused as to why the two girls are laughing their asses off

once she stops cackling, sally really awkwardly gives ace and aro 101 explanations with help from esther

quentin’s the only one who’s already familiar with asexuality and aromanticism already and he perks up because hey! i know this!

but they all take it really well

jack’s like “wow yeah, that really sounds like you”

anthony notices that sally’s fidgeting and stimming way more than usual and says “oh, sally, you were really nervous about this, weren’t you”

she just kinda nods, not looking at anyone and rocking a little on her stool

“come here, you”

he goes and wraps her in a great big soft bear hug and she nuzzles against him

“it’s okay, you’re okay, you’re good, we love you, i love you”

sally’s definitely sniffling a little

at one point during her junior year, sally finds herself dozing off in a pile on the couch between anthony and esther toward the end of a movie night. she briefly wakes up all the way and freaks out a little because this is, so intimate

and she’s used to people expecting that to mean something More that she doesn’t and something Less than she does

but then

she realizes

that it’s okay if she loves her friends more than anything else in the world, and it's okay if it's a little weird, and it's okay if other people don't get how that works and how powerful it is, because her people get it

she's not too much; she's not too little

she sighs snuggles down into the pile and passes the fuck out, because that realization drew a lot of poison out of her

and she sleeps

and for the first time in a long time, she feels safe not only with her friends, but with her self.

[the-rock-nudes-blog]

An Asexual Defense on Bughead: Why you can still love even though you’re asexual.

You might ask, this is just a show on the CV network why do you even need to shitpost, bruh? Well, I'm tired of misrepresentation and mislabels. That's why. I fight for love, equality, and no judgment.

Disclaimer and truth: I’m not an ace and I’m not an aro. Currently, I am also single (have been for all my life, shocking yes) so I can’t say what being in a romantic relationship is like. I’m a prude – and believe it or not Internet: I’m a virgin.

So, I’m not claiming I know what it is. So, am I unqualified? Well, perhaps. But, that said – I know what love is. What really love is supposed to mean. I’ve dealt with it all my life and seen the type of love that is questioned intently by this show. Jason and Polly’s love until death they parted: infatuated with each other when it first started as a sexual drive to be near each other 24/7. Betty’s parent's destructive love where high school sweethearts turned sour when Hal forced Alice to take an abortion (and canon universe, that would've been a brother fun fact). Veronica’s parents lack love: Hermione just needs the money from Hiram and since he's in jail she thinks she can play innocent adultery. Jughead’s mom leaving because even though she loves FP she can’t be around him when he’s sinking into alcoholism - so she takes Jellybean too.

And, the most talked/debated/questioned/discussed relationship of all time: Bughead…because of questions on sexuality and representation in media.

I think, if possible, it would be interesting if Riverdale explores what Lili means by “Betty makes Jughead happy,” “Betty and Jughead make each other happy,” etc.. Not necessarily a sexual drive or fascination to have a level of intimacy that is body-to-body controlled. But, a nurturing and loving need to be beside each other in order to feel wholesome. It would be interesting to define love – Cole quickly corrected a commenter saying Jughead “makes love” instead of “fucks.” What does that entail for the series, hmm? No one is talking about that too.

Whilst making an asexual defense for Jughead, I want to personally extend this to females: particularly an asexual defense for Betty. Now before I get trashed, note that this asexualism should apply to girls (since I think girls can also be asexual).

Also, making Betty asexual as well (as a narrative) would be an interesting struggle and a cool propulsion for a Dark Betty plot. Before getting into that, let’s address this elephant in the room. Lili, in an interview a while ago, did say in an OTP battle: rather than Bughead vs. Barchie – she thought a Betty doesn’t need a man. Other interviews, she is asked whether she ships Beronica - she said that let fans ship, she is just the actress. And to be real frank: I think if Betty was in a better state, Lili probably is right! A lot of fans for this show are shipping and hurting each other through shipping poor little Betty. Rather than argue if Betty’s heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, bi-curious, etc. – if she’s even sexualized or not. I’d like to acknowledge how amazing the cast and writers of Riverdale shaped Betty: that she is just a teenager girl who just wants to be loved for who she is and to equally give love back to that person. Because she doesn’t want to be lonely anymore.

Love wins. Sound familiar? Ask this: does an aromantic (who is defined not to experience romance or love or chemical driven feelings of longing/nurturing, etc.) not understand this? Is it fair to ask that question? Not attacking anyone at all, just getting one to think about others.

Also, I don’t know how true this is. But, I’ll go ahead and pose this as a questioning statement to follow up the earlier question: I’d think that just because you’re asexual doesn’t mean you don’t understand or can’t define sexual attraction to someone. “Passion” is just not driven by all the “chemicals that would lead the body to feel good.” And crassly stated: “whatever you’re type of kink is, sex-wise and sexing-time wise.”

That said I think this might be a great driving force for a Dark Betty if the writers take her that direction. Rather than she’s got a seductress and a curiosity to quell, she’s got a lot of pent of rage in her from how many times people have categorized her/MISLABELED her. And even more, hurt people she really loves. It appears to me that being an asexual Betty too would have very interesting validations of why she knows how to play the overtly sexualized character…just as a punisher and a justice seeker in the absolute wrong way. I guess what I’m trying to say is instead of playing the “LUST” card, she would be a “WRATH” card. I know, controversial! While one might be quick to say that Jughead is “WRATH” I think he’s more of a “PRIDE” card – since he didn’t want to openly admit who he was and his upbringing. This leaves Archie to “LUST” as his deadliest sin.

Anyways playing said cards, but NOT in your favor, the outcome would have “dire consequences” like what Jughead alluded to in episode 3. Maybe in the future seasons of this show, Betty could get into so much trouble with her recklessness that she earns herself juvi-time like what Jughead went through, perhaps filed harassments, or law-enforced investigations. That or she could lead her to decisions that she needs to speak with therapists – her ADD and Adderall usage, etc.

It seems that inner fire – so much that she forgets that she has that character inside her is emboldened ONLY because she it’s done to rage her opinionated lessons about how detrimental and harmful sex/fucking can become on her enemy. Rather than romance/love as a driving force, she’s willing to hurt anyone who hurts the ones she loves. This could be a great point for when she thought Chuck – who hurt/ridiculed/dominated/screwed with many women Betty cares about (i.e. Ethel and Veronica) because he felt powerful and it felt bodily good – was actually Jason who wrote Polly’s name in that disgusting book like he glorified that she was another notch in his bed).

Somehow her being around Jughead gives her clarity. She can think easier. Him being present makes her feel wanted and needed, but not in any way that’s not beautiful. This makes sense with her narrative on why she doesn’t push Jughead away. She could’ve said something in episode 4 when he just kissed her. Instead, she wants a relationship with him – she wants to be with him, and to walk with him. I think that’s the gist of what some Bughead shippers see. More than this though, it’s that both of them are weak and young. They don’t know anything else but Riverdale, and both connect because they love the charm of old Riverdale and because they know what love really is supposed to be. I’m a Bughead shipper (yes) and also not a Bughead shipper (in the way that most people are shipping that causes this type of stir-up in the Riverdale fandom). I'd define myself as: “I want these two cinnamon rolls to finally be happy and if they make each other happy because they love each other it’s good in the hood if not oh well writers decision of representation goodnight kthxbaiiii”

Representation is necessary. I think with how much attention human equality (the particular intricacies of members towards the LGBTQ community, aces and aros, etc.) are being refined and taken care of, it is important to clearly illustrate terms to what many toss precariously. Riverdale is doing this. With strong avocation to human rights and policies – politics themselves, Cole is right: people should keep asking and re-asking questions of whether Jughead is asexual or aromantic. Using fresh labels to define a person is tricky because no one wants to be mislabeled and misrepresented. Arguably, I think it’s better to be underrepresented than told you’re not who you are.

I think Chip Zdarsky’s illustration of Riverdale in the modern world is interesting and it sheds light on the difference of what love is and what the media is shaping love into. In other words, asking this question finally will bring light into what many people are throwing around and having constant fights about – defining the labels: that asexualism and aromanticism are different. That bicuriousity and bisexualism is actually different. And so forth.

Outside of just Jughead, and asexual defense for Betty (too) would also be beautiful if the narrative is written this way. Betty is struggling with holding herself together in midst of her family dramas between the Blossoms – Cheryl who constantly still bullies her all because of her grudge against Polly, a falling out romance with the boy she loved since he confessed he wanted to marry her in 2nd grade but openly admits he doesn’t love her at all, her parents literally splitting up. She needs to know where she is all the time, not who she is physically and bodily wanting.

Jughead, who is struggling to define his love. What is it, and why did he choose Betty? Is it just cause she's there? I mean, his family is gone. Nothing is set in stone, but everyone at least can acknowledge he’s scared of physical presence, physical contact, and physical commitment. He chooses to stay aloof and outsider-like. His way of relating to the world is sardonic. But, he wants to love and nurturing. He wants someone to think of family and love like Betty does. But, he’s scared of coming up short or not having enough to invest into. And that’s probably why people think he’ll push back a bit again to shield himself. Commitments being that many people HAVE let him down so much that he doesn’t want that tie to intimacy. Let their companionship (whatever it is) be that heals their heartbreak, rather than just physical attraction.

Not to say that there’s anything wrong with being aromantic but sexual, asexual and aromantic, or anything. Again labels and mislabels are important for young people to know so they won’t be afraid to define who they are. No judgments, just absolute awareness for these causes of not offending or hurting someone. But that’s just my two cents.

Maybe this is me overthinking and blissfully hoping. Betty has and always will be my favorite Riverdalian – ever since I grew up reading the comics (when I was a 7 year old who probably shouldn’t have been reading them). Jughead’s been interesting, and the dynamic between the two of them is something I’ve observed over all the digests, rewrites, comic diversions, etc. Protect my smalls from drowning and falling apart bitches.

Everyone is so invested in Jughead’s sexuality – what Cole thinks about it, what Lili thinks about it, what Roberto thinks about it, what Chip thinks about it: whether or not any of them support one side over the other. All responded in similar manners about this: that they’re torn. Additionally, I’ll ask a few more important ones on this subject. Is Jughead truly capable of romantic love? Does he truly romantically love Betty? Or is Betty a stand-in for his own personal weaknesses and demons? What about Betty? Does Betty love or could she love Jughead romantically? Or is she attracted to the idea of him because of the “word that begins with a letter B” be it just a physical need/support? I think this is what Cole and Lili want to explore when they were excited their characters connected.

So, don’t worry kids...words containing the prefix “a-“ still confuses a lot of adults in the English language to this day. Asexual, aromantic, amoral, asepsis (all means not what they are) and then you got words like ablaze, astride, etc. (which means that they are starting). That’s why we’ve got Teachers for America.

So, go on you citizen amongst 7 billion in this world. You can still love in your own way. Peace.