#i need to fold my laundry i would not like 2 procrastinate on it... i wonder if i could convince lamp 2 watch a movie or something wif me

[nomairuins]

my laundry done

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

day 33+34+35+36/50 productivity challenge - 2 days of failure + 2 day of success(?) combined with an all-nighter

had my on english exam on friday: i think i did okay. i mean i'm sure i could get above 60 (exam total is 80 marks) without studying. so that's all i wanna say. i MAY get above 65 or even above 70 but i don't wanna keep that expectation and later disappoint myself. also i remember venting so bad in one question. i wrote 2.5 pages for a 5 mark speech writing question 💀 i really need to get back into journalling

ngl i have to admit i've been extremely unproductive throughout the entire weekend. usually when i'm in a depressive phase i manage something but for this time i just don't even have energy to do anything apart from feel like shit and then feel like shit using that as an excuse to not do anything. well towards sunday night i regained some(?) positive energy and managed to study something in between bouts of crying and extreme thoughts and 1 almost-mental-breakdown for my physics exam by pulling an all-nighter.

so this is the stuff i did through the day while procrastinating & all through the night & the monday morning:

morning skincare

worked on my blog's organization

redid my blog's intro post

received some mental clarity and started recording a vlog

headbath

had lovely convos with other users omg ppl r so nice

night skincare

studied physics ch: motion in a straight line

noted down all formulae

studied physics ch: motion in a plane

slept 6-7 a.m.

morning skincare

studied physics ch: laws of motion

how my physics exam went: so grateful for my friend who basically gave me a crash course of the fourth chapter within 10 mins. prolly got at least 5 marks cuz of her. exam was still shit however. i thought it went better that chemistry. it would have been but then after i was discussing the answers with my friend i realized i didn't see the last page of the question paper and missed an entire main. 3 5 markers!! 15 marks just gone like that. istg i'm genuinely never this careless. idk how i could have done this. i had the time too to write those answers. those questions were easy.

after school shenanigans:

slept 1-4 p.m.

made card for dad's bday tmr

showered

duolingo

practiced playing keyboard

folded laundry

studied + made notes biology ch: biological classification

journalled (desperately needed this)

night skincare

[speakingagain]

Have you ever had a day full of plans but once you get home from work, you suddenly have lost all motivation? And you know it needs done and that you've already been putting it off. You know that it will literally take 5-10 minutes of your time. You know that it's actually really simple and takes minimal effort.

One of my jobs is working overnights in a group home for boys, so I get off around 10 am. It's pretty great. There's less traffic, the sun is finally just up enough that it's not blinding you the whole ride, and, even better, it's the end of the work day and the day is just getting started.

I had a whole set of plans. I was gonna go to my chiropractor and get adjusted so I can get rid of my migraines and back pain for a bit. I was going to get all the trash out of my room and put my bedding back on my bed. I was going to stop by the store and get my mom some flowers because she's pretty stressed with work, and then wash her car on the way home because she loves nothing more than having a spotless car.

I stopped on the way home to get breakfast, because I was starving and one of the boys had their cereal with chocolate milk. I spent the last 2 hours of my shift thinking about chocolate milk. I don't even get chocolate milk either. Once I was finally able to get out of town and closer to home, I couldn't get over to turn into the store parking lot or the car wash. So I thought, 'maybe I'll just do it on a day that I'm off.' and continued on my way home. My breakfast was getting cold as it was, and my mom's dog needed her meds due to recently breaking her ankle and having surgery on it just last week.

I got home and took care of the dogs and then sat down and ate breakfast on the couch. I think that was my first mistake. I sat down.

I was so tired I fell asleep with the hash brown in my mouth for a moment. When I managed to wake up again, I realized I should start getting ready for bed. So I went upstairs and began my 'nightly' routine. Meds, teeth, hair, water, bed. I had planned on showering, but I didn't have a clean towel and knew that I would only wake myself up if I did. Insomnia is a bitch, and showering before bed just makes me cold, and let's my hair dry so I look like a lion by the time I wake up. 'Ill just shower before I head to work.'

When I got to my room, I saw a pile of clean laundry plopped in the middle of my bed, and all my bedding was downstairs in the dryer. And folding my laundry and putting the sheets on and the duvet cover on and the pillow cases and plugging in my heated blanket and, and, and.

Or....I can pull out a few throw blankets and push my laundry over. 'I'll deal with it after I get up.'

This long rant about how I just didn't do anything all day, is unfortunately a very common occurrence for me. And I know that there are many others who struggle with the same thing.

Depression is also a bitch.

And I know that there are those people who will see this rant and say, "no, you're just being lazy. Quit making excuses." Honestly, I don't blame you for assuming it's pure laziness. I assume it a lot of the time too. I'll chastise myself about it, while procrastinating, and then continue putting it off.

But I'm a mental health professional. And I've been clinically depressed since I was nine years old. I've been medicated. I have done the therapy (though could definitely use some more lol). I have learned the coping skills and use them throughout my day regularly. I know that it is not purely just me (or others) being lazy.

Depression is overwhelming and underwhelming all at once. I have things I need to do. I know how to do them, how long it will take, how important it is. I know. But I have spent the entire day fighting off my own brain and pushing myself to do things I don't have the energy to do period. I showered, got dressed, did my basic hygiene, took care of the dogs, socialized, drove to work, drove home, ate, made sure I was semi-hydtated, drove home, listened to a teenager get upset and start yelling because he couldn't figure out how a bowtie works, played with my dogs.

To those who do not struggle with depression or ADHD or autism or any other mental disorder of the like, all of those tasks are so menial and easy. You wouldn't think twice about them and would have them done with little effort. Most of them would easily be habitual by now anyways.

Neurodivergent people, like myself, do not process or learn habits the same way as everyone else. Don't get me wrong, we can develop habits. But it takes significantly more time and dedication to it than it would for others. Those "15 day programs" don't work for us most of the time.

When completing daily tasks such as brushing your teeth, a neurotypical person would grab a toothbrush, wet it, put tooth paste on the brush, and brush their teeth. You would need very little thought dedicated to doing the task. It's automatic. Habitual.

For many of us neurodivergents, our entire thought process is entirely different from those who do not deal with mental disorders. Following the tooth brushing example, this is how my process generally works.

1) Grab tooth brush

2) Wet tooth brush

3) Grab toothpaste

4) Open the toothpaste

5) Put a dot of paste on toothbrush

6) Put toothbrush in my mouth

7)Turn on tooth brush

8) brush bottom left

9) brush bottom right

10) brush top right

11) brush top left

12) brush tongue

13) spit into sink

14) turn on tap

16) rinse toothbrush

17) rinse spit down the drain

18) rinse mouth with water

19) put away tooth brush and toothpaste

That's almost 20 steps. Compared to the 4 listed for a neurotypical. We know how to do it. We know how long, how hard, when. But for some reason, our brains just don't process it the same way. We have to break it down into 19 steps, and I don't really know why. But that's how my brain works.

Imagine having to plan out every single step to brush out your teeth. It's like teaching a toddler to brush their teeth. You have to show them how much tooth paste, how to put it on, how long to brush, how to get every tooth and all 3 sides, how to brush your tongue and not gag yourself, how to floss, how to clean out the sink and tooth brush. And the toddler is talking about how they found a flower and pointed at it 6 days ago and said "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, it's a flower, mom, mom, mom, mom, flower, mom, mom-"

You're just trying to teach them how to do the basics to take care of themselves and it's super important to learn and know. But "Mom, the chicken at the burger place is named Goku".

I got off track. Anyways, doing such a menial task is normal until you have to list the 45 steps to doing your laundry. God forbid you're one of the people who actually separate their laundry by lights, darks and colors. That's like 18 extra steps right there. And each clothing item you fold is another 4, but you have 9 shirts, 5 pairs of pants 4 underwear and like 12 mismatched socks that you will never even both matching because the washing machine are them anyways.

Planning out every single step and then doing it all is exhausting. And you have to do it all in a timely manner so that you're not too slow and don't delay someone else and so that you can get all your other tasks done and then do the things you actually enjoy doing and, crap it's already bed time, now I'm not going to get enough sleep and that's gonna make tomorrow even more difficult. And then what ever task that wasn't finished today will have to be added to tomorrow's to do list.

In short, it sucks. It's exhausting. And then your brain chimes in and starts being a dick. "You're so lazy, you're so slow. You should have gotten this done. They would have been done. Are you dumb?" And then you start spiralling and have to use coping skills to reframe your thoughts and suddenly three hours have passed and it is 1 am and you still haven't slept.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

So offer yourself some grace, because sometimes it's all so overwhelming. Sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes your brain is a dick. And that's okay. You can try again tomorrow.

[chromiwrites]

Five Creative Ways to Make a Timer Work for You Life A Little Easier

It's difficult to stay on task while cleaning your house. Find out how to remain focused and stay moving while cleaning your home.

I may not like cleaning the house, washing the dishes or folding the laundry. These aren't enjoyable for me. Yes, I may feel a bit giddy getting a closet organized or throwing out a trash bag full of clutter However, even those jobs require energy that I often don't possess.

Every day, I'm faced with many chores that are calling my name. And I have two million excuses ready to be used. I'm always able of finding the perfect reason to not do anything.

Whether you're a stay-at-home mom, a working woman, or a work-from-home-wonder-woman, it can be hard to find motivation to do those tasks that you really don't enjoy. The work that has to be done every day, and week after week could take away the motivation to get things done.

Then, you pile on the exhaustion and lack of energy that typically accompany a day of keeping house and taking care of a family The To-Do List grows while the house becomes more filthy and the mess becomes more annoying.

The solution to my I-hate-cleaning-but-it's-got-to-be-done problem? Use an alarm clock.

Why You're More Productive when You use a timer:

1. Be sure to limit your time.

You're sure that you'll be able get your kids an ice cream after the alarm goes off and that you can stop working on the annoying task once it is over. You're aware that in only seconds you will be able to put down your work. ).

2. Efficiently use small segments of time.

The timer's short duration allows you to clear your home and get organized without procrastinating. It's not necessary to wait around for hours before you are able to clean. Now, you can be productive for a couple of minutes every time you have the chance.

3. Helps you concentrated.

There's always something calling out for your attention whether it's the latest amazing Instagram blog post or an idea you'd rather be doing. If you want to complete the project on time, you can't avoid the timer online.

4. Pushes you to work quickly.

The countdown to the clock will put you in power-cleaning mode, requiring you to use your energy to finish the job quickly. This is a great way to inspire youngsters to work hard and not slack.

5. Gets the momentum rolling.

It's easy to get the flow of energy by setting aside just a few minutes of effort. You don't need to wait for hours or days to finish a task. When you realize the results of those first fifteen minutes, you're more likely to feel motivated to continue working.

6. This shows how easy the majority of tasks are.

It's incredible how quickly tasks that you put off with a timer guiding you along. Most of the time, those chores that you've put off or worrying about aren't nearly as hard as you thought. They also take shorter time than you thought. It's easy to appreciate the advantages of having timers.

7. Helps your children cooperate.

Children are more likely to clean when they know there's a conclusion to their task. They'll be more productive if they feel they are racing the clock, especially when they are rewarded at the end.

8. This gives you the satisfaction of accomplishment

Even the most chaotic days can feel productive when you have completed a few minutes of household chores and the timer makes this a measurable goal. Setting a timer will help you feel motivated to get some things accomplished and the progress you make makes you feel much better than you would carrying around the guilt of having a completely useless day.

9. Let's be good enough.

You can't make advancement if you're a an perfectionist. It tells you that you have to wait to do the job perfectly which could result in you never finding the ideal time. Set a timer will give you the right to end your work on a task or project even if the final result isn't "perfect," so you're more likely to make some improvements.

Use a timer to do just 15 minutes of work next time you're having trouble with your laundry pile or the mail pile which keeps increasing. Once you've started and you'll be amazed by the amount you can accomplish in a single day.

[refrigafreighters]

9 Reasons Timers Can Help You Finish More Tasks

It's difficult to stay on task while cleaning your house. Find out how to remain focused and stay moving while cleaning your home.

I may not like cleaning the house, washing the dishes or folding the laundry. These aren't enjoyable for me. Yes, I may feel a bit giddy getting a closet organized or throwing out a trash bag full of clutter However, even those jobs require energy that I often don't possess.

Every day, I'm faced with many chores that are calling my name. And I have two million excuses ready to be used. I'm always able of finding the perfect reason to not do anything.

Whether you're a stay-at-home mom, a working woman, or a work-from-home-wonder-woman, it can be hard to find motivation to do those tasks that you really don't enjoy. The work that has to be done every day, and week after week could take away the motivation to get things done.

Then, you pile on the exhaustion and lack of energy that typically accompany a day of keeping house and taking care of a family The To-Do List grows while the house becomes more filthy and the mess becomes more annoying.

The solution to my I-hate-cleaning-but-it's-got-to-be-done problem? Use an alarm clock.

Why You're More Productive when You use a timer:

1. Be sure to limit your time.

You're sure that you'll be able get your kids an ice cream after the alarm goes off and that you can stop working on the annoying task once it is over. You're aware that in only seconds you will be able to put down your work. ).

2. Efficiently use small segments of time.

The timer's short duration allows you to clear your home and get organized without procrastinating. It's not necessary to wait around for hours before you are able to clean. Now, you can be productive for a couple of minutes every time you have the chance.

3. Helps you concentrated.

There's always something calling out for your attention whether it's the latest amazing Instagram blog post or an idea you'd rather be doing. If you want to complete the project on time, you can't avoid the timer online.

4. Pushes you to work quickly.

The countdown to the clock will put you in power-cleaning mode, requiring you to use your energy to finish the job quickly. This is a great way to inspire youngsters to work hard and not slack.

5. Gets the momentum rolling.

It's easy to get the flow of energy by setting aside just a few minutes of effort. You don't need to wait for hours or days to finish a task. When you realize the results of those first fifteen minutes, you're more likely to feel motivated to continue working.

6. This shows how easy the majority of tasks are.

It's incredible how quickly tasks that you put off with a timer guiding you along. Most of the time, those chores that you've put off or worrying about aren't nearly as hard as you thought. They also take shorter time than you thought. It's easy to appreciate the advantages of having timers.

7. Helps your children cooperate.

Children are more likely to clean when they know there's a conclusion to their task. They'll be more productive if they feel they are racing the clock, especially when they are rewarded at the end. ).

8. This gives you the satisfaction of accomplishment

Even the most chaotic days can feel productive when you have completed a few minutes of household chores and the timer makes this a measurable goal. Setting a timer will help you feel motivated to get some things accomplished and the progress you make makes you feel much better than you would carrying around the guilt of having a completely useless day.

9. Let's be good enough.

You can't make advancement if you're a an perfectionist. It tells you that you have to wait to do the job perfectly which could result in you never finding the ideal time. Set a timer will give you the right to end your work on a task or project even if the final result isn't "perfect," so you're more likely to make some improvements.

Use a timer to do just 15 minutes of work next time you're having trouble with your laundry pile or the mail pile which keeps increasing. Once you've started and you'll be amazed by the amount you can accomplish in a single day.

[bubblyhoney]

win for me

warnings: lAnGuAgE, alcohol consumption (both reader and all other characters are of age to drink), marijuana use, Making Out™️, a miniscule Flowers from 1970 reference. PSA: WHEN UR INTOXICATED AND/OR AT A PARTY, TELL UR FRIENDS WHO YOU WILL BE WITH AND WHERE YOU WILL BE AT ALL TIMES. DRINK AND PARTY SAFELY!

tags: sapnap x fem!reader

summary: a collection of moments throughout the beginning of your relationship

words: 5000

A/N: even though this isn’t my most organized or perfect fic this was so incredibly fun to write. and it’s a college!au!! one of my favs. hope you guys like!! let's pretend the pandemic doesn't exist for this one too (please wear ur masks btw)

-

Sophomore Year:

Smells like shit in here is your first thought upon entering the laundromat.

It does, in all honesty. What would you expect a place where college students wash three months of dirty clothes and comforters with vomit to smell like? Urine and just a hint of marijuana, incidentally. The door closes noisily behind you and a guy in a black baseball hat turns his head at the noise. Half of his face is hidden underneath the shadow of his scruff and he says nothing, but you still offer an obligatory polite-stranger smile. The place is pretty deserted, what for it being nearly 4 in the morning. And you’re a rare kind of customer; only a few things to wash and you brought your own detergent.

There’s an empty washer next to an old woman in an acid-trip of a parka, and you sweep past the few other patrons with your mesh bag close. The man in the hat nods at you as you pass, looking up from his phone.

Okay. Dark load in one and delicates in the other, you remind yourself. The quarters get pushed through the slot (not without dropping three and having to scramble to pick them up before they disappear between the machines) and you fill the dispensers with a flowery laundry detergent your roommates hates. Oh, and the clothes go in. Done. You relax into a cracked plastic booth around the corner of the machine, pulling a book of crosswords from your bag.

Somebody yelps halfway through filling out a five letter word (“a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep”) and you jump. Baseball Cap rips open the dryer, fumbling around and supplying a pair of gray sweatpants. You can’t help but watch. He digs through both front pockets, pulling out a wad of dollar bills. He sighs, shoves the pants back into the dryer, and starts it with a hard push.

“Gut feeling?” You ask. He looks around for a second and settles his gaze upon you. Nice eyebrows, you think.

“Yeah,” he laughs, slightly nervous. “Yeah. I wore them yesterday and just remembered I put some tip money in my pocket.” Leaning back onto the shelf behind him, he shoves his phone into his pocket and folds his arms tight to his chest.

“I feel you,” you empathize, and set down your pencil. “I washed a parking ticket with my underwear last week.”

He stutters out a laugh, nodding.

“That must’ve sucked,” he adds.

“Yeah.” You shrug. “I wasn’t going to pay it anyways, but would’ve been nice to keep it for memory’s sake.” Rubbing at your knee offhandedly, you just watch him. He’s cute. And easy to make conversation with.

“Hey, um,” he mutters and clears his throat. “Do you by chance know some guy named Karl? Tall, messy brown hair and a horrible laugh?”

You open your mouth, then close it.

“Actually—,” you start but huff out a laugh. “Yeah, he’s uh, he’s dating my roommate. Why’d you ask?”

Reaching a hand to rub at his neck, his face twists into something sheepish.

“I’ve seen you at some parties this semester. I didn’t mean to sound creepy like that— I just—yeah.” His cheeks flush pink and he looks down to the ground.

“No worries,” you say, barely even thinking. “I think I’ve seen you too. You’re in Delta Tau Delta, right?”

“Nah, nah,” he laughs. “Just got some friends in there.”

“Ah.” You nod.

The conversation falls into silence, but not uncomfortable silence. He pulls out his phone again, and you look back to the crossword in front of you. The old woman between you leaves with a humongous load of blankets and a small family leaves with a cart full of bags; now it’s just you two.

When the washer with your delicates ding you nearly jump two feet in the air. Exhaling, you set your work down and open the door.

“Shit,” you curse as two bras fall onto the tile. You reach down to get a hand on a black lace bra and hide it quickly under your elbow. A sneaker squeaks loud in the almost-empty room and you see Baseball Cap’s shoulders.

“Here.” He’s kneeling as he hands you your pink bra and you accept it, biting your lower lip.

“Thanks,” you mumbles, slightly embarrassed, and step back to shove those bras and a couple pairs of your underwear into your bag. He offers you a small smile and backs off to his own machines, humming an off-key version of Unchained Melody to himself. Your other load of laundry gets shoved right on top of your delicates.

It’s when you’re nearly out the door, bell jingling, that you think to look back.

“Hey,” you start, almost stuttering for no reason. “What’s your name?”

He turns, dark eyebrows raised.

“My—uh… My friends call me Sapnap. You can call me that too.” Rosy cheeks once again; you seem to be making him awfully nervous.

“Sapnap.” You try it in your mouth, pursing your lips. “Okay. I’ll see you around Sapnap.”

He nods, affirming your statement.

“See you around Y/N.”

It doesn’t hit you until you’re buckling your seatbelt and starting your car that you realize you didn’t tell him your name.

Perhaps he knew more about you than you thought.

Yeah, you laugh to yourself. Karl’s got a big mouth.

Junior Year:

It takes you a collective twelve minutes to go talk to him.

It’s quiet in the library, students that happen to come here to study or procrastinate few and far between the scattered tables. Your poison today is a 4 page history paper on Normandy that you’d been staring at the instructions for for days. You’d already written a bunch of, frankly, horseshit for the body, but the introduction and conclusion were throwing you for a loop.

The vibes in Ridgeback Hall were also certainly off, today more than any other day; the main help-desk was empty and everybody had to do the tedious task of locating niche textbooks themselves.

Lifting your head from the wood of the table, you squint and focus your vision on the guy in the white tee and denim jacket that had been the focus of your thoughts for minutes. He chews at the end of his pencil, mouth screwed up into a ball, and shoots daggers at the empty notebook in front of him. You’re surprised it hasn’t caught on fire yet just from his gaze.

“Sapnap!” You whisper-shout, stretching your arms across the table as if it would make him any closer. A person with purple hair jumps at your voice but turns back to their laptop. “Sapnap!” you try again, tapping two fingers on the table. His head jerks up, eyebrows furrowed and an angry expression on his face, but softens at the sight of you.

“Y/N,” he counters, equally as loud but with a smile on his face.

“What’re you doing?”

“Calculus.” He sticks his tongue out, making an awfully tortured face. You laugh and wave your fingers at him, gesturing for him to come closer. He just huffs out a sigh, stacks all his papers in one pile, and gets up. The trek over to your table is short but he takes it so slowly you wonder if he always walks like that. Like a varsity basketball player who just got off a horse.

“You’re so slow.”

“Shut up,” he grumbles and settles into a chair across from you. “It’s 2 pm, give me a break. I need a Redbull.”

“Those are bad for you, you know,” you say matter-of-factly and drop your chin onto your hand. He’s even cuter from this angle, you think briefly. He just rolls his eyes.

“Whatever, Miss I’d-like-some-coffee-with-my-sugar-and-cream,” he teases, pointing to your venti iced coffee. It’s about as pale as the color of a band-aid. You just sigh and close your eyes. “You tired?” He flips his pencil in his hand and leans back into the seat, sighing.

“Yeah,” you mumble. “I haven’t slept yet today.”

“Wow, you’re dumb.” He looks scandalized. You just shrug.

“Perhaps. I don’t really know why I did it actually— just for funzies!” You raise an arm but let it drop back down. “I stayed up playing Sims.”

“Feel that. I play Minecraft with my buddies until like 2 am every night too. It’s nice,” he decides and folds his arms across his chest. Your eyes flit over to his strong arms, admiring the way his denim shirt looks around them. Thick.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“What?” He says too loudly and it warrants a ‘shush’ from another student. He reddens, but looks back down to you. “I—why do you ask?” You shrug, eyebrows raised.

“Just wondering. You’re too cute to not have one.”

“Right,” he huffs, but his cheeks stay pink. You two fall into easy silence, his eyes trained on the notebook in front of him and yours closed peacefully. “Are you dating anyone?”

They snap open not-so-peacefully.

“Nope. You wanna submit a boyfriend application?” A smile cracks your lips and he grins back.

“Maybe,” he replies and stares at your mouth. “I have to say—,” He stretches into a yawn. “I think I’m qualified.”

“Oh, yeah?” Your eyebrow quirks. “And why are you so qualified?”

“Well, first of all, I work at Ace Hardware. That’s where cool people work.” He presses one finger into his palm. Then two. “And I have a bunch of free time because said job at Ace Hardware only likes scheduling me in the mornings. Plus, I’m hot.” He shrugs.

You nod faux-seriously, considering his list.

“Those are very good qualities, sir. I’ll have to get back to you on that.” You pause. “Okay, I’ll schedule an interview. How’s 7 pm at the Chili’s on Main? Chili’s is the designated interview place.” You wiggle your eyebrows. He just smiles at you, shaking his head in disbelief.

“That was smooth.”

“Yeah, I know.” You carefully study your nails. “I’m pretty impressive.”

“Clearly,” he mutters and chuckles. “But I do like their salsa. And margaritas. We got a deal?” He holds out a large hand. You take it, squeezing tightly.

“Hell yes.”

When you see the man called Sapnap a week later, you are very obviously in a different state of mind.

Same state, same college town, but very different blood alcohol contents.

“Sappy!” You shout, raising your arms above your head with a stupid grin on your face. He turns, that familiar look of surprise evident in his expression.

“Y/N,” he laughs and approaches your group of friends in the kitchen. It’s Greek Wedding night at Delta Tau Delta, and you assume Sapnap came to support Delta’s “groom” Alex. You’d gotten uncharacteristically drunk, trading air for sangria, and you were now in the incredible stage where everyone was both your friend and your favorite person.

Throwing an arm around his shoulders, you mash your face into his bicep and giggle.

“Missed you so much,” you try to manage out of your mouth, but it comes out slurred and stuttered. “So much.” You’d gone to Chili’s two days before and promised another ‘interview’ in the next few days, but it felt like two months away from your beloved. Beloved friend, that is. Only one date.

“Yeah?” He places a hesitant hand on your back and nudges you into a standing position. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Oh, shhhh,” you mumble and close your eyes. “Only— a lot.” Blinking them back open, you zero your gaze in on a bottle of Ciroc half-empty and looking very tempting on the kitchen island across from where you’re leaned up against the kitchen sink. He catches your gaze and steps in front of you, pleasant face filling your vision. You gasp.

“You are so cute.” Sliding your palms up onto his face, you hold his scruffy cheeks in your hands and smile all dopey at him.

“Is that your brain or the alcohol telling you that?”

“Uh,” you swallow. “Both. And my heart.”

He just shakes his head and his chest moves with a heavy laugh.

“Glad to hear it.”

“Are you having fun?” You ask, all concerned and furrowed eyebrows. You look like you’re genuinely interested and worried about if he’s having a good time or not, and it makes his expression melt.

“I’m having lots of fun,” he passes over his shoulder as he flips on the tap and fills a red solo cup with water. “In fact, I’m gonna have a nice, cold glass of water right now.” He shakes it like an owner offering their dog a treat.

You eye the cup in his hand, having half a thought that this might be some sort of backwards psychology move. The other half wins.

“That sounds so good right now— can I drink some?” Your eyebrows pull together and your bottom lip drops into a pout. It makes him blink for a second. He remembers the little game you’re playing and just hands it over, smug. You gulp it down quickly and crush the empty plastic into your palm with an exaggerated exhale. “Hit the spot,” you sigh, and pat your stomach fondly.

“You hungry?” Sapnap asks you as he steadies you with two hands on your shoulders. Something pops into your head at his words: a set of two McChickens and an Oreo milkshake.

“Oh my God,” you gasp, and mirror him by placing your hands on his shoulders. “Can we go to McDonald’s?”

He just shakes his head, grin wide on his lips, and shrugs. Perfect teeth, you think.

“I haven’t drank anything, so I’m good to drive.” He pulls his keys from his pocket. “I know you’re smashed right now so—do you feel safe with me?” The question falls from his mouth and you truly consider it, pulling your lip between your teeth.

“Yeah. I’ll take this just in case,” you say, and take a large dinner fork from the counter next to you. It has some red liquid on it that you brush off onto the fabric of your jeans.

“That’s actually gross.”

“Yeah.” You grip it tighter in your head. “But it’ll do the job if you try any shit. I’ll put this in your eyeball.” Brandishing it, a smile stretches onto your mouth. He just shakes his head and heads for the back door, jerking a hand in your direction to get you to follow him.

The cool night air explodes on your face when you step onto the porch and it makes you blink rapidly. Sapnap is right at your side, offering a forearm as you slowly make your way down the two back porch steps. A tall blonde smoking half of a blunt makes a grunt noise as you two pass and your knight-in-shining armor looks up.

“Gonna go get some food. Want anything?” Sapnap stops on the rocky path to the sidewalk, tilted up to hear the blonde’s response. The other guy shakes his head but nods to you in passing.

“I’ll tell her friends where she went,” says the blonde, and disappears through the sliding glass doors.

Your hand falls from his forearm to his hand and grasps it tightly, swinging back and forth as you stumble to his car. You flash him a grin that he just chuckles at.

“Watch your step,” he warns as you yank on the handle of the passenger door and nearly fall off of the curb.

“I’m fine,” you huff, and scramble to get yourself upright into the seat and buckled. He closes your door and jogs to the driver’s seat, climbing in and starting the engine quicker than your head comprehends.

The small space fills with the sound of Letters to Cleo as he’s maneuvering out of his parking spot and he slaps a hand at the stereo button almost immediately. His cheeks redden as he glances at you once.

“I love Letters to Cleo,” you admit, and switch it back on. Ah, Co-Pilot. A classic. “Be my co-pilot!” You sing, loud and sharp. He shakes his head but huffs out a reluctant laugh.

“My older sister loved them. Bit old for my taste, but—you know. Can’t deny that I love a little bit of 90’s angst.”

“Absolutely,” you nod vigorously and pick at your nail. “Oh!” The fork magically reappears at your side and you grab at it. “For my McChickens.”

“And for me,” he adds.

“Yup. You too.” But you drop it onto the seat and lean forward, fumbling with the volume dial until you feel the lead singer’s voice thumping into your heart. “I love this lady!” You shout and rock your head to the beat.

Shaking his head, his shoulders move in an easy laugh. The drive-thru line is kind of busy for 2 am, he notes, pulling in right behind a navy BMW sedan. But it moves quickly, especially when you’re moving in your seat, scream-singing the lyrics to I Want You To Want Me.

“Yeah,” he says, loud into the mic. “Two.”

“Alright.” The voice reports from the speaker, a background clicking joining their bored tone. “Two McChickens, a double cheeseburger—ketchup and pickle only— , a medium fry, and an Oreo McFlurry. Anything else, sir?”

Sapnap chews on his lip, and glances at you. You just give an encouraging thumbs up.

“That’ll be all,” he reports.

“Second window, and your total is $9.67.”

He barely has time to call a “thank you so much!” before the line ends with a click. Rude.

“Jesus Christ,” you moan the second you sink your teeth into your first sandwich.

“Agreed,” he mumbles and pushes as much cheeseburger he can fit into his mouth.

“This,” you start, swallowing. “is the sexiest thing I’ve encountered in all of my years. I thank all higher powers when I consume McChickens…” Trailing off for dramatic effect, you stare down the sandwich before mimicking a dinosaur war cry and practically shoving it down your throat. He just nods in agreement.

“It’s so nice out tonight,” Sapnap comments, swinging a look out his rolled-down window. He parked right in front of the Campus Quad, large bubbling fountain the show to your dinner. And some geese fighting each other for half a rotting hot dog.

“Mhm.” You crumple up your wrapper trash and toss it into the empty paper bag. “Could totally go for a swim.”

He turns and gives you a look. You look right back.

“Should we?” It’s barely a question.

“Um, hell yes,” is all it takes for you to say before you’re clambering out of the car and starting for the fountain. He follows closely after, jogging to catch up with your borderline track-star sprints.

“Wait up!” He calls as you reach the border of the fountain.

“Ugh,” you sigh, impatient. “Hurry up.”

“Mouthy,” he grumbles before kicking off his shoes and bending to fold his pants up over his knees. You just climb straight in and brave the cold.

Squealing, you hop from one foot to the other, shoulders tight as you get used to the freezing water. He laughs and climbs in right beside you.

“Shit,” he curses, and shivers. “This sucks.”

“You suck,” you quip right back and splash around. He stares, disgusted, at the water soaking up your jeans all the way up to your knees.

“You’re gross for wearing jeans in a fountain. That’s worse than wet socks.” He starts to move around as feeling comes back into his toes.

“What, would you prefer me taking my pants off?” A sassy look paints your face and he rolls his eyes.

“No, but you could’ve folded them up like a normal person.”

“I think you forget,” you start, and splash a palmful of water his way. “I’m quirky.”

He gasps, face twisting as the water hits his thighs.

“You’re dead.”

If campus police were patrolling the Quad right now, they’d see two college juniors wading around in a fountain, water up to their knees, having a competition to see who can inflict the most damage. He won, it seems, because your shirt is drenched all the way up to your ribs.

“Okay!” You shout, hands spread to brace yourself. The water in his palm falls. “I’m cold and I want my other McChicken.”

“Fine,” he sighs, and with some difficulty manages to get out of the fountain and back into his shoes. You just make your way back over to his car barefoot, braving the mulch and poorly-sanded concrete.

You both finish your food quickly, discussing menial things like how fast food restaurants always skimp on the pickles and how it’s truly a disservice to the world that so many people don’t know it’s Biggie singing the song Kat dances on the table to in the 1999 classic 10 Things I Hate About You.

When Sapnap pulls up to your house, he shifts the car into park and lets loose a heavy sigh. You whip around, hand on your buckle, and sport a very confused look on your face.

“I’m tired,” is all he says. Head falling onto the seat, he rolls over to give you a half-lidded look. You nod empathetically and climb very carefully out of his passenger seat. Your drunk muscles haven't caught up to your mainly sober brain, which is impairing your ability to look like a functioning human being.

“Thank you for tonight,” you chirp, smiling in at him with your arms folded on the open window sill. The half-drank Oreo McFlurry is lukewarm in your hand. He stares at your flushed lips.

“Anytime you want a drunk McChicken let me know.” He winks. “I have a gift card.”

“You spoil me,” you coo, and step up onto the sidewalk. “I’ll see you sometime soon, yeah?”

He nods, pursed lips fighting a grin.

Cute, you both think at the same time.

Sometime soon, somehow, means the very next day.

It’s breezy yet uncharacteristically hot out, and certainly way too bright for a hungover Y/N.

You’re sat on the porch swing, nursing a hot decaf coffee with lots of sugar and cream. Sunglasses sit comfortably on your nose, but you still have to squint. The pills you took have yet to kick in, so all you have to do is wait and try not to vomit into your mug. Suddenly, your phone lights up and buzzes to life. You press the green button and lift to your ear.

“What do you want?” Your voice is awfully froggy, you realize, and clear your throat.

“Good morning to you too.” Sapnap’s voice rings clear yet husky into your ear. The corners of your lips twitch up into a smile. God, you’re whipped just for the sound of his voice.

“It is definitely not a good morning,” you grumble and switch him into speaker phone. You drop the phone into your lap and stretch out further on the swing.

“Good morning for me,” he chirps cheerfully. “Take anything for the headache?”

“Yes,” you report, sounding like a pouting child and rubbing two fingers into your temple. “Some idiot fed me ice cream last night so this morning I woke up having to both shit and throw up.”

“Aww,” he sympathizes, sounding way too entertained. “That sounds like a you problem.” You stuck out your tongue, but upon realizing he can’t see it, make a ‘hmph’ noise into the mic. “Anyways. I called to see if you wanted to go get breakfast with me. Waffle House, specifically.” You make a face but lift yourself up off the swing, wincing.

“I saw a rat eat an entire piece of french toast there once. But—sure. I’ll pay.” He starts to whine, but you scoff. “Let me love you, bitch. You pay for my McDonald’s and I pay for your pancakes. Easy trade.”

“Whatever. See you in five.” He hangs up right as you twist the front door open and drop your phone onto the couch.

“Who’re you talking to?” comes from the kitchen and you jump, pressing a hand to your chest. A shirtless Karl enters the living room with a bowl of fruit loops in his hand.

“Jesus Christ,” you breathe, and duck into the hall closet for your pair of dirty tennis shoes. “I was talking to Sapnap.”

“Oh,” he says around his mouthful of cereal with a grin. “You guys dating yet?”

You pass him a weird look, bending to tie your shoes.

“Gimme like two weeks. I’ll have him at my beck and call,” you laugh and collapse back into the couch.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” He quirks an eyebrow and exits stage left into your roommate’s room.

The few minutes it takes for Sapnap to come to your house are short but filled with contemplation. Do you really want to date him? He’s certainly cute enough. Nice enough. And smart enough. He seems to like you too—

A honk interrupts your thoughts. Always having to be obnoxious, huh?

“You’re annoying,” you mumble as you buckle your seatbelt. He just shrugs, tiny smile tugging his lips, and shifts into drive. The short trip to Waffle House proves more quiet than lively. He seems awake, actually, so you attribute the silence to your tumultuous thoughts. The music is nice, though. Bikini Kill is perfect for 10 am.

After you two order (three chocolate chip pancakes for him and two regular waffles with a side of hashbrowns for you), he finally breaks the silence.

“Hey, are we dating?”

You pause with your lip on the rim of your orange juice. Your gaze falls from his lips to his fingers wrapped around the coffee mug. Two silver rings adorn both his middle fingers and they glint underneath the fluorescent lights.

“Do you wanna?” You squint back up at him. The tips of his ears flush pink.

“I-uh… Yeah. Yes,” he says simply. You try to hide a smile, but realize there’s no point.

“Okay.” You take a long drink of your orange juice. “I really like you. A lot. A surprising amount, actually; I haven’t really dated seriously since highschool.”

He nods, shuffling his feet on the tile. What else does he have to be nervous about? you wonder.

“I’ve… kindasortamaybelikedyousincesophmoreyear,” he mumbles and you swallow.

“Huh?” Leaning forward, you set your glass down.

“Um,” he starts but doesn’t finish.

“Did you say you’ve liked me since sophomore year?”

“...Maybe.” His coffee becomes the most interesting thing in the world, apparently. “Do you remember that one time during the Summer Carnival where Karl lost his phone?”

“Uh—yes! Yeah, actually. I do remember that. He found it in the porta-potty. What about it?” The waitress sets down both your plates in front of you and you offer her a smile in thanks before she trundles off to the drink station. You pick up your fork and wait for him to continue.

“I left two hours early because you invited Michael from your computer science class.” You pause around your mouthful of potato and he just stares back, trying not to grin. “Yeah. I thought you were hot and left early because you brought another guy.”

“Michael is gay,” you say slowly.

“Yup.” He nods and shoves a forkful of pancake into his mouth. “Isn’t that so stupid?”

“So stupid,” you tease but your cheeks blush pink.

“Anyways. Now I’m dating you, so. Win for me.”

“Ditto,” you murmur, and manage to fit half of your first waffle into your mouth. “This is the easiest it’s ever been to start dating someone.”

“It’s ‘cause we’re cool, I’m pretty sure,” comes from a mouthful of pancake.

“That’s facts.”

The rest of Pancake House is bustling, a few families with young kids and some other hungover college students scarfing down similar breakfast foods and confections. You two barely give any other customers the time of day, too wrapped up in conversation and each other. The waitress gets a heavy tip after an hour and a half of struggling to swallow dough soaked in syrup and chocolate.

Sapnap walks you to your door after breakfast, hand on your waist and pressed to your side. It feels good. Right.

“I’ll see you Wednesday right?” You ask, turning to him with hopeful eyes. How could he resist?

“Definitely. Wouldn’t miss Game Night for the world— I can’t wait to beat your ass at Uno.”

“You’re insufferable, you know that?” You murmur but you’re already slinging an arm around his shoulder and bringing his mouth down to yours.

You taste like sugar, he thinks. His hands find the small of your back easily, pressing you further forward into him. You hum at that, tracking a hand up the back of his neck and into his hair to grip it between your fingers.

He smells both musky and sweet and cool at the same time: heaven. One of his hands slides up to grip at your neck, thumb rubbing at your jaw, and you make a pleased noise into his mouth. There it is.

“Y/N!” Shrieks from inside your house and you jump, pulling away from Sapnap with a smack.

“What?” You yell back, irritated, and he just laughs as he dips to press a kiss to your cheek.

“Stop tonguing your boyfriend and come help me with my photography project.”

“God damn it,” you sigh and drop your hands. His slide down to just rest on your hips, comfortable. “I have to go.” You're annoyed, that’s for sure, and he prays you aren’t too mean to your roommate.

“Alright.” He dips for a quick kiss one last time. Okay, two more times. Maybe three. But he pulls away, grinning. “I’ll see you Wednesday.”

And then he’s stepping off your porch, walking to his car with his hands in his pockets. You watch his back fondly.

God, boyfriend. He’s your boyfriend. Boynap. Sapfriend. You can’t decide on a name, but all sounds perfect.

Perfectly him.

-

A/N: ask or send me some stuff!! requests, rants, anything. :D comments = welcome!

[levihantrash]

Priorities

For Levihan week Aug 2021 Day 2 prompt: confessions

Also based on a cute ass tumblr prompt by @sanothebreadpup <3 hope you like it!!

Summary: It��s been a while since Hange wanted to confess, but their to-do list was too goddamn long. Erwin suggested going to Levi for advice on managing prioritises. Instead, they asked Levi if he wanted to bake… for a titan.

note: no smut but lots of spicy poetic touching

cross-posted on ao3 🤪

-----

Hange wanted to confess. It had been months since they knew that their best friend status with Levi could potentially be tweaked to include just a bit more romance, and they knew they had to be the one to take that step. As much as Levi was quick-witted on the battlefield, he wasn’t quite the risk-taker in ordinary settings. In fact, Hange figured Levi would sip tea beside them until he was greying and would probably be as content with the arrangement.

Hange wanted to confess, but their to-do list was too goddamn long.

Out-of-the-blue, though characteristically charismatic, Erwin gave the soldiers a pep-talk on how they need to know what to prioritise (i.e., humanity's victory).

Inspired, though the speech’s intended audience was clearly for new recruits, Hange tried to prioritise their tasks. Within a day, they got overwhelmed, the list being more of a reason for delay than for action. Moblit, well-meaning as always, tried to get Hange to focus on one at a time but that was unthinkable to them. One at a time meant that the confession would never happen. There was too much to research. Too much at stake. Too much for one inconsequential confession.

Unknowingly, Erwin saw Hange wringing their hands, muttering to themselves in the dining hall.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just can’t prioritise the important stuff,” Hange grumbled. Perking up at the mention of priorities, Erwin advised Hange to seek Levi’s guidance.

“Levi only does one thing at a time once he sets his heart on it.”

Eager for a chance encounter with someone they technically already hung out with on most days, Hange asked Levi for help. More accurately, in perhaps the most roundabout manner, they asked Levi if he wanted to bake… for a titan.

“For research,” Hange said, almost convinced by their own performance.

“You can do that yourself,” Levi said reasonably.

While starting a task was horrendously difficult, Hange was not one to give up once they began on one.

“You’re the only one here who can bake.”

Eyes narrowed, arms folded, Levi was not buying the compliment. He had a pile of papers left to read. Hange’s whims could be settled by someone with more well-matched interests and time management.

“Go ask Petra.”

Hovering nearby with another paper for her captain to sign, Petra noticed Hauge's crestfallen face.

“It’s not about the baking being done but who Hange is doing the baking with,” Petra whispered, as discreetly as she could.

"I'm busy," Levi said, loud enough for Hange to hear, heedless of Petra’s input.

“Alright.” Hange sighed, internally fuming that they should’ve found a more legitimate excuse. Bluff out something like Erwin’s orders. Levi followed Erwin’s orders without question. Hange’s requests were dealt with more scepticism. Not that Hange had the best track record of requests.

In the end, Hange prepared the baking supplies, because even if titans couldn’t stomach cake, it was an experimental endeavour. Practically speaking, they could give some baked goods to the juniors. Maybe even gift some to Levi.

Stumbling into the kitchen with too many ingredients in hand, they found Levi leaning against the entrance looking positively sullen. Upon spotting Hange, his face morphed into a more acceptable, neutral expression, nodding towards them.

"I thought you were busy!"

Levi shrugged, grabbing some of the ingredients from their arms. "I was. Didn't you want to bake?"

“I guess?”

The sudden change of mind was too abrupt for Hange to wrap their head around. A hopeful glow had unfortunately begun growing in them. Levi was being exceptionally nice today. No doubt that he was usually nice. Just not will-bake-for-your-titans kind of nice.

"Erwin said that you are really good at prioritising tasks,” Hange said, slowly digging through the cabinets for the utensils.

"Huh. Let me guess—he wants you to learn from me."

Hange scratched their head absent-mindedly. "He did tell me to ask you."

"I'm not actually very good at sticking to a task,” Levi admitted, wondering where in hell Erwin got the idea that he was focused. If he were, the paperwork would have been submitted, instead of lying around, flapping aimlessly in the wind before Petra (and Oluo) offered their generous help. He refused—every time. Levi was simply good at keeping a blank face and reporting to Erwin that he needed more time, which Erwin must have mistaken as a sign of seriousness than a sign of procrastination.

“You are! You finished work before coming have, didn't you?”

Levi didn’t breathe out a word, silently pouring through the book of recipes.

"What do you want to bake?"

Hange didn’t mind his lack of response, pondering over his poor cover-up question. "Something easy. What about bread?"

"Bread isn’t easy."

Difficulties translated into the promise of adventure for Hange. Pumped up, Hange prodded at the picture of an unremarkable loaf of chocolate banana bread.

"Let's do it anyway!"

“Suit yourself.”

-----

The small touches were the ones that were hardest to ignore. Hange felt the accidental-deliberate brush of Levi’s elbow when he reached over to choose an ingredient. Other times, he guided their hand with the right amount of strength for stirring the batter. His fingers over their stirring hand were firm and reassuring.

“You’re stirring too fast,” Levi said patiently.

“You’re distracting me,” Hange replied half-heartedly.

“Oh, am I?” The fingers left Hange’s hand. Just as Hange was about to lament their moment of folly in allowing that to happen, the fingers reached out towards their face. Forcing in a breath, Hange felt Levi’s thumb rub out a chocolate stain at the side of their lip.

“How did the chocolate get there?” Levi murmured, more to himself than to them.

“I was snacking on some of the chocolate bits a while ago…” Hange said cheekily, licking the side of their lips only to realise that Levi’s thumb was still there. Their tongue brushed his finger, and in that contact, Hange was ready to collapse from self-generated sexual tension.

Though his eyes widened noticeably, Levi quickly resumed his blasé expression. Rubbing the rest of the stain out, he walked to the tap to wash his hands. There was some hesitation, before he hurriedly turned on the tap, letting the water run for two seconds over his hands before going back to his position next to Hange.

Unsure as to whether to be offended or pleased by the sight of Levi cleaning the evidence of their encounter with such carelessness, Hange busied themselves with breaking eggs and separating yolk. If it had been Levi with a finger lined with fudge, Hange would’ve licked it spotless. With permission, of course.

To pay him back in kind, Hange plotted their own routine of touch as well. The touches became bolder, starting innocently enough. From casually brushing away hair that was poking Levi’s eye, to going behind Levi who was busy slicing up bananas and placing both hands on the counter. Their arms were now on either side of him, conveniently taller than him so that their head could peer right over his shoulder. The cutting didn’t cease—it only got more rapid, the bananas becoming neat circles in a matter of seconds. Hange let out an impressed whistle, hands not leaving the counter.

“Stop distracting me.”

“Oh, am I?”

One drop of the knife, and a swift turn later, Levi found himself staring straight into Hange’s bright, beautiful, heavily eye-bagged orbs.

"Hange, do you know why I'm in the kitchen at 2am baking for some shit-brained monsters?"

“Titans don’t have—”

“Because I have priorities.” Levi interrupted, not allowing Hange to clarify what the physical anatomy of titan subjects entailed.

Hange blinked, maintaining an oblivious exterior. “Your priorities include titan research?”

“You know what I was going to say.”

“Somewhat. I want to hear you say it out loud, though.”

Grimacing, he concentrated his gaze on Hange’s collar instead. Skin flushed, collarbones peeking out mischievously. Bad idea.

“You little shit.”

Their laugh was quieter, milder than the ones they let out on other days. “My favourite little shit! So what are your priorities?”

“Wiping the blades. Cleaning the toilet. Dusting under the tables. Doing laundry. Having enough tea. Baking with a scientist who thinks—”

Hange pressed a gentle hand on his mouth. “I get it.”

“Which part do you get?” Levi asked, enjoying the fact that when he moved his lips, they grazed Hange’s palm. How would it be like to replace that hand with their mouth?

“That you like me.” Hange grinned, tugging Levi by the straps of his apron just a bit closer.

An unexpected flash of clumsiness made Levi knock down the bag of flour, spilling it onto the floor. The fall clouded up the vicinity in white dust. Gaining confidence with obscured vision, Hange held the back of Levi’s head, tracing his undercut, admiring how his immaculately combed hair had come undone. An attractively dishevelled mess. Hange was in no hurry. Yet.

Levi, in a spur of restlessness, looked up at Hange questioningly. Eyeing their faint smirk, he tilted his head sideways, watching carefully for any sign of reluctance. An impatient “are you going to kiss me or not” from Hange; a straightforward command was what he needed to hear. No time was wasted pulling Hange into an urgent, searing kiss. Backed against the counter, hands cupping Hange’s face, Levi devoured the sensation. The taste of sugar, fruit, flour, and chocolate clung onto the entwinement, as Hange breathily pressed up against him. Erwin had warned them both. Love in the military meant the threat of loss. The possibility of sorrow. As he felt the rumble of Hange’s satisfying groan beneath his lips sending an unprecedented warmth through his body, he was certain. He would have loved Hange whether he kissed them or not. Death would happen, whether or not Hange rubbed his waist in soothing, awe-inspiring strokes. Right now, he would die in absolute bliss.

To be honest, Hange would’ve been disappointed if they didn’t end up fucking, or at least, aggressively kissing eventually. Erwin’s advice was only a stronger reminder that Hange was never one to be conservative. They loved Levi, as a comrade, as a friend, as the person whom they would kill for, if it meant saving his life. Still, having Levi sneak a hand into the bareness of their back, sucking their neck with a hot tenderness that made their head spin, they knew that chastity and platonic hugging could not be the only option.

“We should’ve done this sooner,” Hange said, peeling away his jacket.

“Couldn’t tell when the right time was,” Levi said, starting on the buttons of Hange’s shirt.

The door creaked open.

“This is your idea of asking Levi for help?” Erwin said, a thick eyebrow raised as he surveyed the mess.

With some willpower, he stopped unbuttoning Hange’s shirt. Lightly pushing Hange away, Levi straightened up, less than pleased with the interruption.

“Erwin, you better have something worthwhile to say if you—”

“I’ll clean this up.” Erwin, fully recovered from his shock, was beaming.

“Huh?”

“It’s about time,” Erwin said, with the proud sincerity of an unwitting matchmaker, gesturing towards the door.

“We owe you one, Erwin!” Hange waved at him on the way out, while Levi cast him a grateful, wary glance. With his hand was secure on their back, and Hange’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, there was no care for an audience. Only the smell of baked goods and unfinished business fuelled their steps towards a private space. A place where they would end up in each other’s arms—spent, sweaty, and deliriously at peace.

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[zackcollins]

if you met me first ch. 2 || mathew barzal

chapter 1 || masterlist

Author’s Note: This was originally supposed to only be one part. Then I got an anon asking if I could write a part two because they’d like to see what would happen after the ending of the first part. Ask and you shall receive! But, uh... my stupid brain decided two parts wasn’t enough so, uh... they’ll be at least three parts. Knowing me though, they’ll end up being more than three. I hope you guys are okay with that (*insert sweat smile emoji*). GIF credit to chavelier!

Warnings: I don’t think there’s anything but feel free to tell me of anything deserves a warning. I’ll add it for you!

Word Count: 2.8k+

Title: If You Met Me First by Eric Ethridge

Additional: The reader is still gender-neutral. I made sure not to change that because I like consistency when there is more than one part and the previous part starts with a certain gender for the reader. Also! I’d like to thank @matbaerzal​ . I included something about a shorthanded goal for the Islanders but I don’t know much about their penalty kill alignments. She helped me with that by telling me some of the guys that are usually on it. She gave me five names but I ultimately picked Scott Mayfield. I’m not entirely sure why, if I’m honest. His name just spoke to me the most, I guess. Hope all of that’s okay and hope you enjoy this!

You sat there for a moment, phone gripped tightly to your ear. Mathew was breathing rapidly, starting to seem somewhat frantic. You sighed and bit your lip as you squeezed your eyes shut.

“I have feelings for you too,” you said, though it came out sounding like one word because you were so nervous.

You heard Mathew’s breathing even out as he let out a soft sigh. He chuckled before the line went dead. You dropped the phone on your lap and felt tears prickle the corners of your eyes. You sat there for a moment, wondering how you could ever have been so stupid to trust his admission. You felt betrayed by the person that mattered the most to you.

Not wanting to deal with anyone other than yourself, you turned your phone off and shoved it in your desk drawer. Anybody that wanted to talk to you could wait until you were done wallowing in the self-hatred of everything that had just transpired.

Needing something to distract yourself, you decided to deep clean your apartment. Twice. You wanted to make sure your mind was occupied so no thoughts of Mathew crept in. You also wanted to make sure that you didn’t miss anything from the first time.

When you were sure everything was cleaned, you washed the two weeks worth of laundry that had been gathering in your bedroom. It took you two hours to wash it all but you managed to get it done. It took an additional twenty-five minutes to fold everything and put it away but the laundry was finally dealt with after you had procrastinated it for the last week and a half.

When you needed a break from your chores, you switched on the television. You needed something to numb your mind and body; something to switch your thoughts off. Whatever deity existed must’ve been out for vengeance because the thing displayed on the television when it came to life was a rebroadcast of the Islanders vs. Flames game from that afternoon starting from the beginning of the second period. As much as you wanted to switch it off, something inside of you told you that you had to watch it.

As the second period progressed, you noticed that Mathew was playing with more enthusiasm and grit than you were used to seeing from him. He had bodychecked multiple Flames in an attempt to steal the puck from them. It had worked a few times but it led to an interference penalty on one occasion that Mathew looked none to pleased with. Luckily for him, Scott Mayfield was able to steal the puck from TJ Brodie and score a beautiful shorthanded goal short side on Cam Talbot. When the camera cut to Mathew in the penalty box, he was knocking his stick against the door and smiling with a relieved look on his face. 

Your heartbeat sped up at that and you felt your stomach somersault. You cursed yourself for having a positive reaction to seeing him happy after what he had done to you. He wasn’t worth your time if he was going to toy with your emotions like he had, no matter how great of a friend you thought he was.

On the television, Mathew had exited the penalty box right as you had managed to get yourself under control. Josh Bailey had the puck and noticed Mathew behind the Flames defence. Josh quickly passed it to Mathew and Mathew sprung into action, skating toward Talbot. You gripped the arm of your couch, feeling every emotion you had tried to suppress hitting you all at once. 

Mathew made it to the hash marks before he was hooked from behind by Rasmus Andersson. The referee shot his arm up and blew the whistle as soon as Talbot grabbed the puck after it trickled off Mathew’s stick. You sunk into the couch and covered your face as the referee pointed to centre ice. 

You looked up as the referee was placing the puck on the faceoff dot on centre ice. You felt your entire body fill with dread as you watched Mathew skate in a circle by the Islanders bench. You didn’t know if you could handle seeing Mathew take a penalty shot. Yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to change the channel or turn the television off. Something was compelling you to watch this and you were too weak right now to fight against it. 

When the referee pointed to the puck and blew the whistle, Mathew quickly handled it on his forehand before skating down the ice. As he got closer to Talbot, he switched the puck to his backhand, then his forehand, then his backhand again and moved slightly to his left. Talbot froze briefly, opening his five-hole in the process. Mathew took that opportunity to hammer the puck in through Talbot’s five-hole on his backhand. Talbot tried to close his five-hole but all that succeeded in doing was pushing the puck over the line with his skates. The referee pointed to the net and blew the whistle. As Mathew went down the bench for his fist bumps, you noticed that he looked directly at the camera with a smirk on his face. You weren’t sure why but you couldn’t shake the feeling that he had directed that at you specifically. Your stomach did another somersault at the mere thought of that. 

The rest of the second period was rather uneventful. A couple penalties got drawn by both teams but no powerplay goals or shorthanded goals came of them. You were somewhat dreading the third period, unsure if you could handle any shenanigans that Mathew would inevitably get up to. You still felt compelled to watch the game and you were still too weak to fight against yourself so watch the game you would.

As the third period started you heard a knock at your apartment door. You found that odd because you hadn’t been expecting anyone. You wanted to ignore it because you weren’t in the mood for visitors but the knocking became insistent. You grumbled to yourself as you walked across the room and through the foyer to open the door. You had really regretted not looking through the peephole as soon as you laid eyes on the person on the other side.

“Mathew,” you exclaimed, taking a step backwards in surprise. 

What surprised you even more was that he looked like he had been crying. As much as you didn’t want to see him right now (even though this was your first time seeing him face-to-face), you couldn’t in good faith leave him out in the apartment hallway while he looked the way he did. Your grandmother, who had been a therapist, would come back from the grave and smack you for being inconsiderate to someone that so obviously needed your help. 

“Can I—“ 

“Yeah… yeah,” you interjected, somewhat absentmindedly. You stepped back further so Mathew could enter. “Let’s go.”

Mathew smiled weakly as he brushed by you. You blinked a few times and shook your head to make sure this was really happening. When it was clear that it was, you carefully closed the door and latched it. Even though Mathew had been an asshole earlier, something inside of you told you he posed no threat and that whatever he wanted was something that needed privacy. 

When you turned around, you bumped your shoulder into Mathew’s chest. Mathew quickly reached out because you had stumbled a little. His face shifted from the anguish you get after a good crying session to guilt. You assumed the guilt was for standing too close to you and causing what happened to happen.

“Sorry,” he said, voice strained. “I didn’t mean… I just didn’t want to go into the apartment without you. I feel like it would’ve been rude because I don’t live here.”

You blinked when he took a moment to remove his shoes and place them on the shoe rack beside him before he followed you into the living room. 

Mathew sat on the couch beside you and motioned in the direction of the shoe rack.

“Was… was I not supposed to do that,” he asked, voice a little concerned.

You quickly shook your head, holding your hands up.

“No,” you said. “Wait. I mean yes. Fuck.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose and sighed before looking at Mathew again. He looked confused but he was still looking at you intently.

“You were supposed to do that,” you said, sighing again. “I’m just not used to people doing it on their own volition.”

Mathew nodded and opened his mouth like he was going to reply but he quickly snapped it shut. His head swivelled to look at the television and that’s when you noticed that you had left the rebroadcast of the game playing. And, from what you could tell, Mathew had just scored.

You grabbed the remote but Mathew placed his hand over the top of it, blocking the power button. You tried to yank the remote backwards but something about the way Mathew was looking at you made you drop the remote onto his lap. Mathew smiled, although something about the way his eyes flicked from you to the television and then down to the remote told you the smile was a façade to hide how he was really feeling.

Not wanting to push Mathew and make him uncomfortable, you focused your attention back to the television. Just as you did that, you heard Mathew shift beside you. You briefly glanced at him but all he did was point at the television and smile while looking nervous. You raised an eyebrow but remained silent.

Just as you focused back on the television, Mathew scored his hat trick goal. You felt your heartbeat stutter and your stomach do a flip. When you looked at Mathew, he was staring intently at the television but you thought you saw a few wet lines on his cheeks. You went to say something but the announcer screaming Mathew’s name drew your attention back to the television.

When you looked, two minutes of game time had passed and Mathew had potted another goal. Your heartbeat faltered and your stomach did what felt like its millionth somersault of the day. As you watched everyone celebrate with Mathew on the television, you felt tears prickle the corners of your eyes. 

You were watching the Flames fumble through a powerplay when you felt something nudge your leg. You glanced down and saw Mathew’s hand sitting on your thigh, palm up. You took the hint and placed your hand in his. Even though he had been an asshole earlier, you had felt the need to forgive him when he decided to come all this way to see you, even if he hadn’t actually said sorry yet. Actions spoke louder than words.

Mathew squeezed your hand, which made you look at him. He smiled softly, cheeks shining from obvious tear stains. You wiped away the tear stains right as the announcers screamed Mathew’s name again. You both looked at the television and saw that he had scored his fifth goal with only thirty seconds left in the game. 

Mathew grabbed your other hand and squeezed them both. As the end horn sounded, Mathew dropped your hands and nodded towards the television. You raised an eyebrow but focused your attention where he had directed. 

As the teams skated off the ice, a reporter pulled Mathew aside. He took his helmet off and placed it on the top of his stick.

“Mat,” she started, pausing when the crowd roared with a chorus of cheers and boos. She and Mathew both chuckled. 

“You had the game of your life this afternoon. Was there anything that motivated it?”

Mathew put his glove in his mouth and nibbled on it for a moment. When he was done with that, he took the glove off so he could run his fingers through his hair. The reporter didn’t seem phased by the delay as she stood there, holding the microphone in front of Mathew.

Mathew sighed and bit his lip as he put his glove back on. He leaned against the top of his helmet and looked at the reporter.

“The person I’m in love with loves me back,” he said, smiling softly. “I needed to impress them.”

The reporter smiled as she looked at Mathew.

“They better be impressed. You scored five goals and had two assists,” she said. “Go get them, Mat. I won’t keep you any longer. Congratulations again. On your game and your relationship.”

The television screen suddenly went black after that. You turned to Mathew and saw him holding the remote, his finger on the power button. He quickly threw the remote to the side and you both jumped a little when it crashed into the glass top of the coffee table.

“Sorry,” Mathew mumbled.

You put your finger on his lips and shook your head.

“Don’t,” you said, dropping your finger. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I just have to ask one thing.”

Mathew looked at you and raised an eyebrow.

“Why did you hang up after I told you I felt the same way?”

Mathew sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“I called you during intermission,” he said. “Coach caught me with my phone and told me to hang up or he’d bench me for the rest of the game.”

You felt tension you didn’t know you had been holding onto release from your body. Mathew ran his thumbs across your wrists and you relaxed a little more. You melted into the touch and shifted closer to Mathew, dropping your head against his shoulder. Mathew took that opportunity to wrap his arm around you and run one of his hands soothingly along your back. You sighed and wiggled in closer to Mathew’s touch. 

The two of you sat there in silence. You were taking in the moment of finally being cuddled against the man you loved more than anything. It felt better than any of your wildest dreams. It made you feel complete. It made you feel happy.

“I’m happy too,” Mathew said, kissing the top of your head.

You hadn’t realized you had said that out loud but you were glad that you had. Hearing Mathew affirm your feelings made you feel ten times better. It made you feel better knowing that he wanted this as much as you did.

“Why wouldn’t I want this as much as you? You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. It just took Tito telling me that every person I’ve ever dated had a carbon copy of your personality for me to notice.”

Realizing you said that out loud made your face heat up because of the response you got. You buried your head as far into Mathew’s neck as you could. Mathew chuckled and lifted your head up so you were looking him in the eyes.

“Hey,” Mathew said, tapping your nose with his finger. “It means I like your personality type. And, more importantly, I like the original the most.”

You felt your stomach do a somersault for the nth time that day as you looked at the pure expression on Mathew’s face. You smiled as you brushed a piece of Mathew’s hair out of his face. Mathew leaned into the touch, humming softly. 

Your eyes darted down to his lips and then back to his eyes. Mathew nodded and that was all it took for you to surge forward and connect your lips with his. 

As you kissed, your mind went blank. You couldn’t think of anything but the fact that you were kissing the man that you had waited what felt like forever to kiss.

When you pulled back, Mathew was panting slightly and some of his hair was stuck to his forehead. You swallowed and ran your fingers through that hair to brush it away. Mathew shivered and leaned forward a little. You leaned forward and rested your forehead against his. Mathew puffed a breath against your swollen lips, which caused you to shiver. 

You pulled back right then to yawn and stretch your arms above your head. 

“Sorry, I—“

“Fall asleep on the couch with me,” Mathew said, laying down on the couch and moving as far over as he could to make room for you.

“Don’t you have to get back to the hotel,” you asked, though you did lay down and cuddle against him. 

Mathew chuckled and shifted around a little. You patted his shoulder when you were comfortable. He kissed the top of your head and slung his arm around you.

“Nah. We’re in our bye week right now. I don’t have to get back until tomorrow when I check out and we fly to St. Lucia.”

You hummed and closed your eyes.

Your eyes shot open a minute later when your brain registered what Mathew had said.

“I get to go to St. Lucia?!”

[willowistic22]

Soon You’ll Get Better (Redfinch)

It was four months ago when his world burned into flaming embers. But after some time, he’s starting to heal from all the pain. And so, his mind starts screaming the same question in a million different ways which all hurt him like knife cuts from different angles : How could he? 

Words : 3682

Part : - 

Warnings : Death, grief, hospitals 

A/N : Abt damn time I post a fanfic huh?? hehe i set a 2 fanfic a month goal for myself to keep the momentum going, so that would kinda explain it. Anyways here a fanfic. Inspired by a post I made a while ago the post is long gone idk where tf it is anymore now and there are elements of Taylor Swift’s ‘Soon You’ll Get Better’ but it’s not a songfic bcs in the fic the song is used as a song Albert wrote. Just read the fic and you’ll get it! Enjoy!!!

@fifty-for-the-racer since you were really passionate abt this idea, this one’s for you <3 

Walking through the hallway of his college dorm, backpack on his shoulder while clutching a few books he brought to class close to his chest. It’s full of other college students minding their own business. But they’re loud and fast, while Albert is slow and quiet. His mind is the one going at a fast pace. 

The weight and hollow feeling he has grown used to since four months ago doesn’t feel the same way as before. It doesn’t hurt as much. And somehow it felt wrong that he is moving on. He couldn’t move on. How could he?

His brain gets louder and louder with all these new thoughts that he’s been developing lately. As if the loud noises of fast paced college students isn’t enough to make him suffer. Albert lets out a deep sigh as the sight of his own dorm slowly comes to view. He can get some peace of mind for the time being since his roommate still has a class at this hour.

Albert slowly opens the wooden door but stops in the middle of his tracks upon his new discovery.

“I didn’t— I wasn’t— Race let me in before he left for class!” A boy, that obviously doesn’t belong here, sits on Albert’s bed with a few of his messy clothes on his lap. The boy stands up to approach him while frantically moving the clothes away from him, “I didn’t mean to snoop around your stuff, I swear! Your clothes were just- they were a mess and I thought I could fold it—“

“Woah, calm down there, Finch” Albert cut him off, closing the door behind him before he takes a few steps closer to the worried looking blond boy, “You know I trust you with my stuff”

He lets out a deep breath upon hearing those words, “I know, but… I never asked for permission”

Finch’s eyes meet Albert’s, blue and hazel orbs locked in a soft gaze. He sighs out, “I’m sorry”

Albert simply chuckles through his small smile, dropping his bag onto his desk along with the black snapback he’s been wearing all day which reveals his bright red hair in a messy floof, “No need to be sorry. Besides, I really need to start cleaning up”

Finch chuckles at that, dropping his guarded shoulders down. Wordlessly, Albert starts picking up his clothes. Separating them to two big piles on the bed, one dirty pile and another clean one for him to fold and put back to his closet. Finch hesitated on approaching to help. But after the redhead flashes him a warm smile over his shoulder, Finch gladly skips next to him to help.

For the most part, they don’t talk. Finch isn’t sure if he should, not that he’d know what to talk about anyways. But he doesn’t mind it. They could still hear other college students through the walls as it isn’t that thick. And the birds chirping outside makes its way through the single window next to Al’s bed, along with the rays of light coming from the afternoon sun.

“I’d hear an earful from mom if she ever finds out that my dorm is messy” Albert finally broke the silence upon feeling the little tension from the other boy next to him.

Finch steals a small glance to his side, a little surprise with the topic he chose to speak up about. But he doesn’t complain. If this is how Albert mourns, then he’s willing to help.

“Yeah?” Finch asked softly, stacking a clean pair of pants he just folded to a clean pile of other pants.

“Yeah” Albert replied, eyes still glued to his task of separating his clothes. He can feel a little smile makes its way on his face, “She’d tell me to put them back in my closet as soon as it's clean so I won’t forget”

By now, all the out of placed clothes are picked up since Finch had already started beforehand. The wooden floor and the rest of the furniture in his dorm are free from Albert’s clothes. He reaches for the drawer under his bed to grab the laundry bag.

“But… I always end up either forgetting or procrastinating” Albert smiled to himself with a chuckle as he rose up to put the dirty clothes in the laundry bag.

Finch laughs along with him, glad to see him smile while he talks about his mother. It’s been some time since he last saw it. He’s glad there’s progress being made.

It didn’t take long to put the dirty clothes in the laundry bag. He carelessly tosses the bag to a forgotten corner of his dorm, turning to face the neatly folded clothes on his bed so he can organize it in his closet. His focus however, caught on to a strange sound that came from the corner where he threw the laundry bag. A loud thud between a hard solid object with a mixture of unorganized notes originating from strings.

The two boys flip their heads towards said corner, on the remaining space between the wall and the edge of Albert’s bed. There, lay a dusty guitar leaning against the corner created by the wall. The light brown of the wood reflects the minimal rays of sunshine that reached that forgotten corner, making it more majestic than it actually is.

“You didn’t tell me you brought your guitar here!” Finch exclaimed upon taking note of the guitar’s presence. An exciting energy buzzing through his veins all of a sudden. Everyone could instantly tell from the way his blue eyes lit up and his lips splitting into a smile.

“Didn’t thought it’d matter” Albert replied with a little chuckle. He watches as Finch gets his hands on the instrument, all while putting his clothes back in his closet.

The moment Finch gets his hands on the guitar, he puts it on his lap and sits down on the now spacious mattress. The spring bounces up and down with the weight of the blond boy and his new discovery. He starts to lightly pluck the strings, creating a lovely tune while waiting for Albert to finish up cleaning.

As the last item is placed back to its rightful place in Al’s closet, he closes the doors and turns to Finch. He’s still busy getting entertained by the guitar to notice the warm smile creeping its way to Al’s face.

Though, he doesn’t linger in the gaze. Seeing that he’s been wearing the same outfit for the whole day, he decides to slip into some warm sweatpants and a clean t-shirt.

“When did you brought it here?” Finch asked, eyes gleaming at the sight of a freshly dressed Albert walking towards him on the bed. His finger still mindlessly strumming the guitar, the same soft melody still echoes around the dorm.

“After like, what, two and a half months maybe? Dad decided to do some cleaning” Albert explained, ruffling his bright red locks with a hand, “I found this guitar after forgetting about it for a while and decided to keep it. It kept me busy for the most part”

The pair moves to lay down on the bed together. It’s technically too small to fit two people but neither boys mind cuddling towards each other.

Albert takes charge of the guitar while Finch gets comfortable lying next to him. Arms slightly wrapping his shoulders with his head tucked warmly in the crook of Al’s neck. Finch’s small blond curls slightly brush against the coarse skin of the other boy, almost as softly as Albert’s own fingers strumming his guitar.

“Turns out mom had always kept it” Albert suddenly spoke up, soft yet still deep. Finch looks up as best as he can to meet his eyes, though the boy doesn’t seem to be making any efforts on trying to do the same. His eyes turned blue, looking down at the strings he’s strumming, “At first I thought she threw it away since I wouldn’t be needing it for college. But I found it in her closet one time when I had to pick something up for her”

Albert plucks one last string of his guitar before stopping the tune, he let’s the last note resonate around the room. A long drawn out sigh leaves his nose, the aura of this dorm drooping along with his sadness.

Finch looks up to study his face. Hazel eyes clouded with a secret rainstorm behind it. Lips still smiling, but it was cracked by the thunderous thoughts that are now occupying his head.

“Hey, you okay?” Finch dared to whisper. It might be a bad idea, but it’s the only thing he could do right now.

Albert doesn’t answer. He seems to still be lost in whatever is running around in his head.

To which, Finch continues, “It’s okay to be sad, Al. I know you miss her”

“Yeah. I miss her a lot” Albert finally replied. He shifts his head down towards where Finch is already looking up at him, “But I don’t know. Lately it… it doesn’t hurt as much as it first did”

The other boy could only tilt his head to the side with a question mark drawing the lines of his face. Albert just smiles down at the face and chuckles at the cuteness before continuing, “I still miss her but… It’s getting easier to move on. And I know it’s supposed to be a good thing but… I feel kinda guilty ‘bout it”

Finch softens his face at the explanation, offering a comforting smile. He cuddles closer to Albert, which was received with open arms. Al slightly pushes away his guitar to let Finch cozy up next to him a little further. Once they find a comfortable position, they take in the smell of each other and then let it out with one huge sigh.

“It does make you feel guilty if you start feeling like moving on from someone’s death” Finch acknowledged Albert's previous words, gentle and slow, “But nothing in this world would ever make you forget about your mother. I can promise you that”

The redhead snorts out a little laughter, “You sound like my therapist”

Finch, not knowing how to respond to that, laughs along with him. Which only makes Albert tighten his hug around the boy.

“You’ll get through this. I know you will” Finch said, after pondering about his next words for a minute. It was only replied by a squeeze to one of Finch’s hands but he knew it was a way to appreciate his words without verbally saying it.

“Y’know…” Albert suddenly began after a few moments of silence, gently pushing Finch away from the hug so he could sit up on the bed properly. He sits slightly on the end of the bed, opposing Finch so they’re now face to face without needing to turn their heads. He props his guitar on his lap again and looks down to the other boy, “... I uhh… I wrote a song while she was in the hospital. Hoping she’d get better”

Sensing a little private performance coming up, Finch excitedly sits up along with him. Legs tucked in close to his chest, letting his hands rest on his knees. A hopeful smile rests on his face, shining as bright as day.

It makes Albert giggle a little while his fingers start to softly strum the guitar again. It’s a different tune from before, but this one doesn’t sound like something he made up in the moment. It has a pattern to it, soft and comforting.

“I wrote it in the summer after our high school graduation. It’s called… ‘Soon You’ll get better’” Albert explained, looking down to the vibrating strings, “Mom really liked it when she first heard it. She always asked me to sing it any time I visit her in the hospital” 

“And… you’re gonna sing it to me now?” Finch asked hopefully, getting impatient from the absence of his boyfriend’s vocals.

Albert chuckles at it, but nods along to answer his question. To which, Finch settles in his seat and waits for Albert to start singing.

“The buttons of my coat were, tangled in my hair

In doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared”

He keeps his eyes glued down to the strings. Finch isn’t sure if he’s doing this on purpose, but he won’t question it. It’s a song that stuck pretty close to Albert’s heart it seems, and for a good reason too.

“That was the first time we were there

Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you

Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too”

His voice is nasally but still strong and sweet as honey. Finch was captivated by the deep baritenor vocals, slipping out of reality with every gentle note echoing around the dorm. Unknowingly, a smile spread across his face as the song progressed.

“And I say to you

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, you'll get better soon”

Briefly, Albert drags his eyes up to Finch. A sad kind of happiness paints his face and Finch could only reply with the same look on his face.

“'Cause you have to”

Every word he wrote in the song made him sound so vulnerable, something not many people get to witness. Every sad lyric he wrote sounds like a rain parade sent from hell. The same feeling he felt when his father called him to get to the hospital as quickly as possible to say one goodbye to his mother.

Finch remembers that day too. The couple were with some of their other friends on a night out. When the phone rang, Albert had a bad feeling because the last time he went to the hospital his mother looked worse than before. Nonetheless, he still picked it up and it sucked the joy right out of him. Albert had to ask Finch to come with him. No one wanted to know what he would’ve done if the poor boy walked there on his own.

Mr. DaSilva, his two older brothers along with their wives and Albert’s only niece from his oldest brother had said their misty goodbyes. It left their eyes so watery, they couldn’t recognize Albert running in the room. A woman laid helplessly on the hospital bed, skin too pale for her own good and the same red locks she and her three sons share fully shaved off her head. Their other relatives aren’t here which Albert had assumed was because they’re still on their way. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was saying goodbye to his beloved mother.

She still had the energy to smile at Albert and Finch when they first stepped in the room. Albert had knelt down next to her, taking his mother’s hand and soaking up any warmth left in the palms which was next to zero. They had exchanged words in whispers, and by the time Albert got up to hug her the water starts staining her clothes.

“And I hate to make this all about me

But who am I supposed to talk to?

What am I supposed to do

If there's no you?”

The song was meant to be a get-well-soon prayer for his mother. Albert had his doubts that this time she’d make it out alive since it’s the third time her cancer came back. And for a while, he believed that she would. She had always been a fighter and she did fight like hell at the start of it, saying that she wanted to see Albert graduate college.

Of course, the universe had its own plans. She was too weak to fight any harder and thought that it was enough. As much as Albert hated it, he still had to let her go when the heart monitor stopped beating. The long ringing noise was so deafening, it pierced like dagger right through his eardrums.

As the doctors and nurses took over to do their jobs, the family mourned her death. The pain from every teardrop felt like a stab to the heart. It kept on feeling like that for some time after her funeral as they mourn in their own different ways.

“This won't go back to normal, if it ever was

It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because

'Cause I have to”

Albert was lucky he had all his friends to be there by his side as support. Giving him the necessary space any time he needs it, a shoulder to cry on when he needs it, giving him their therapists’ contact number when he asked, or welcoming him back to the group when he feels like going out with them. Overall, they’re the most amazing friends Albert could’ve asked for.

At first it was hard to keep up with how fast the world is spinning. But Albert soon relearned the pace and slowly healed from the pain. And that’s his new problem. The term ‘healing’ in this kind of situation felt so wrong, to use and to do. Albert feels guilty for trying to feel normal after his mother’s death, because it’s obvious nothing is normal. 

Take the rest of his family for example : they used to have family dinners every month in the DaSilva household. Albert, his brothers, sister in-laws, his only niece, and both parents. Four months after the funeral they haven’t had their monthly family dinners. Maybe it was for the best. His father didn’t even seem okay when he was cleaning out his wife's stuff.

“Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better

Ooh-ah, you'll get better soon

'Cause you have to”

Strumming the last few notes of the song, Albert could feel the water forming in his eyes again. He ignores it till he strums the last chord. Bringing his gaze back up to meet Finch’s, he can tell the other boy noticing the little drops of water threatening to trickle down his cheeks.

They stayed silent for a few seconds, Albert waiting for the little wave of sadness to properly sit while he puts down his guitar on the floor and Finch waiting for a cue to do something.

“She always liked it when I sing it to her” Albert exclaimed, trying to play it cool while he wipes his tears away, “I don’t think you’ve heard it before”

“No, I haven't,” Finch replied. He shifts closer to Albert to help him wipe his tears away with the sleeves of the hoodie he’s currently wearing. After it dried, Finch’s hands cupped his cheeks gently and he whispers, “But it was very lovely. I love it”

To that, Albert smiles. It made Finch smile along as well. But he knows better not to mistake that smile for happiness.

“Thanks for stopping by, Finch” Albert finally said, “I really needed it”

Finch smiles, letting out a little sigh, “Glad I could help”

He leans his head closer to Albert. Sensing a kiss coming up, Albert does the same and their lips meet halfway. Softly brushing against each other while their eyes closed to focus on the warm feeling. Albert gently holds one of Finch’s hands on his cheek with his own as the kiss deepened, still gentle and loving.

A jingling noise followed by loud chattering and laughter coming from the other side of the door got them to pull apart quickly. In storms, the door opens and a tall messy looking figure enters the room still packed with energy and excitement.

“Oh! Uhh… I didn’t know there was a date scheduled here!” Race exclaimed, freezing like a deer caught by headlights in the middle of the room when he noticed his roommate already had his own company.

The two boys looked past him and saw a bunch of their other friends standing in the doorway, waiting for a cue to enter the dorm. They wave at each other politely, all while Finch slowly backs away from his boyfriend. It made the group chuckle, and the couple a bit embarrassed. 

“Yeah, uhh…” Race awkwardly said, scratching the back of his head, “...We were about to have a game of poker here—but it’s cool! We can go somewhere else—“

“Nah, it’s okay, Racer!” Albert exclaimed, swinging his legs down the bed. He approaches the door where his friends are still waiting around, greeting them with a big smile, “You guys comin’ in or what?”

To which they all laughed, happily piling in the dorm. They simply put their stuff on an empty space in the floor before they make their way to where Race was already sitting on the floor.

“You playin’, Al?” One friend called out, Romeo.

“Yeah, deal me in” Albert replied, closing the door after waiting for all of his friends to pile in. He trails behind the last friend, Crutchie, towards the little circle his friends had made.

“Last time I was here the floor was covered with your clothes, Al” Crutchie observed the dorm while he slowly lowered himself to the floor in between Finch and Romeo, “Did you finally pick them up?”

Albert sits himself down next to Finch, exchanging a laugh with the other boy before answering, “Yeah, Finch came by to help”

“Took you long enough!” Race joked, still busy prepping the game for the others. Everyone laughed at it, all while Al reached his hands out to playfully smack his knee.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough” Jack stopped the two, growing impatient with the inevitable poker game, “Let’s get this game going!”

So now he’s playing a game with his friends like normal. Of course, the conversation he just had with Finch still lingered in his mind. Of how much he misses his mother and how guilty he feels for trying to move on. But the promises Finch made gave him a little glimmer of light. It’s not something he can technically promise, but it’s definitely something to hope for. With a glance shot towards his boyfriend next to him, which was replied with a soft gaze from Finch himself, he knows that everything will turn out alright eventually. 

[dylanxmin]

painkiller ∣ 2 ∣ j.hs

breakups are habitual, ordinary maybe even easy for some other people, and maybe it could be easy for you, too, if you haven’t been dumped by your boyfriend after finding out that you were pregnant. no, it wasn’t easy even a bit. and a stranger who wants to be your side doesn’t make this all easy for you, at all.

pairing; jung hoseok x reader

genre; angst, fluff, humor, pregnancy au, strangers to lovers au, single!mom au, slice of life au,,

warnings; angst, and more angst(we will have less angst in time i promise), swearings, mention of sexual harrasment(it’s a light scene) 

word count; 7.4k

rating; nc17

a/n; heyo!! i know i’m pretty late, but it took me ages to write, and it was hard for me to gather my thoughts to turn them into writing,, but yes, here i am with the episode 2!! i hope you can enjoy this episode as much as the first one. i’m really happy with the feedbacks i got with the first episode, and i love to write this fic, so thank you for encouraging me more to write about this hoseok and y/n. i still need your feedbacks tho lol,, love you all ♡

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‘Can you please take this to Jin?’ Jimin asked the man who passes by him, causing him to stop, eyes narrowed after he looks at Jimin. ''You know I would, but I have to finish this resource, and he doesn't want to see me before I finish this,'' Jimin begs once again, eyes taking the shape of a puppy. What Jimin said is not a lie, and he is drowning in research for a patient, where Jin asked him a lot while ago, and he is a bit scared to see him before he finishes this. 

''Okay, okay. Give me that,'' Jimin coos, wiggling his body before handing the file to the man who saves him, with a big grin on his face. ''I owe you big time!'' he yells, while the other man takes a turn at the big white corridor. His big grin fades after he turns his papers, he has a lot of things to do yet, he finds himself procrastinating, as he always does. 

Hoseok folds the file in his hand, sighing to himself, and asks why he always finds himself while agreeing what Jimin says. And not only on work, but he also does this at home, where he feels too lazy to do the dishes or the laundry. Hoseok loves him, loves him like a brother, but he has to learn to say no. Both for his and Jimin's sake, otherwise, he will find himself while beating his ass. Hoseok takes another turn, where Jin's room is, but before he could open the door, someone does it before him. 

Hoseok barely holds himself from crashing on you, his eyes wide open due to the sudden move. A little whimper leaves his lips, but you were too busy to hear that or even see him. He goes silent after seeing the tears on your eyes, the pain, and uncertainty on your face. A very familiar face with the familiar emotions on it. Hoseok's mouth takes an 'o' shape, eyes watching you to getting away from him. 

While trying to understand what just happened, he enters the room after knocking two times. A line appeared between his brows, familiar yet unknown feeling fills him, he wants to shake his body, head to toe. ''Is she?'' he doubts, eyes finding his friends who have the same confusion on his face. Hoseok couldn't understand why he was feeling this way, and why he was happy to see you again. He lets a deep breath, closing the door before heading to the chair, and sits where you just left. ''Well, it's a small world, huh?'' Jin laughs as he said something funny, but Hoseok crinkles his nose, gives him a blank stare in return. 

''Wait... she is pregnant?'' his eyes went round, for some reason he couldn't bring these two things together, even though not knowing you enough to come up with a character analysis. ''Yes, but good news, she wasn't drunk, rather than what we think,'' Jin gave a half-smile, open his arms to emphasize the good news he was giving. 

On the contrary to his friend, this news wasn't good for Hoseok. He remembered how you looked down in the dump the day he first saw you, and after seeing you with tears on your eyes, he felt heartbroken. He didn't know you well, but he couldn't help but want to reach you and talk to you about this. 

''Hobi, don't tell me that you are thinking about talking to her or something... please,'' Jin grunted after seeing how sadness clouded his friend's features. Jin knew well enough that Hoseok would do something such a thing. He couldn't understand why, but Hoseok always tried to help others, even without knowing them, so Jin was sure that he would that once again. 

Just like Jin afraid of Hoseok's whole face lit up, he throws the file he holds in his hand at Jin's desk before leaving his office in hurry. The doctor hit his face with his palm, shaking his head in disbelief. ''He never learns,'' he sighs, grabbing the file for distracting himself from his too friendly friend. 

While Jin is already focusing on the work, Hoseok finds himself while eavesdropping the conversation you have with your mother, as he heard you calling the person as 'mom' over the phone. He didn't mean to overhear your phone call or acting like a creep once again, but he couldn't approach you after seeing you on the phone, in a deep conversation. He was just going to wait until you finish your call, as he said to himself, but courage left his body after you get up from the bench. His body betrays himself, and he stands there only to watch you getting away once again. 

''Aish... stupid legs,'' he scoffs, leaning the back of his head to the wall, chewing on his bottom lip. He swears himself to come to your side when he sees you again. And his instincts say him that he will see you again. 

Fried eggs, boiled eggs, or any kind of eggs, it didn't matter how they made it, or why they made. You hate it. You hate it with all of your presence. While the scent of the very disgusting thing starts to spread, there is no way for you to refrain from jerking your body from your bed, hitting your toes to every possible object in your room, thanks to your sleepy head. This is how you start your beautiful day. 

Spasming and ratching above your toilet, nails digging into the napkin you hold one of your hands, as your life was depending on it. 

As you barely hold your head up and eyes still tightly shut, you prayed to not dripping your newly cleaned floor. Fortunately, throwing up with closed eyes wasn't your first time, but they were only caused by your drunkness, rather than pregnancy. 

And this is your story how you found yourself above on the toilet, pouring everything inside of you. Your nose crinkled at the sight, pushing the flush after throwing the napkin that you wiped your mouth. Morning sickness officially trying to end your life, as it was interrupting your sleep every morning, which a pregnant woman needs sleep. And stealing your food, vitamins, and all the other beneficial objects from your body. Also, the things that a pregnant woman most needed.

After you lift yourself from the ground and splashing cold water to your face, a little drop takes a track from your sleeves, dripping the white cotton rug. When the very hideous smell hits, closer this time, you stop wiping your face to the towel. No... no. He did not do that. 

Your eyes find the man's big grin in the mirror, but his grin fades after seeing your petrified glares staring the pan he holds with big confidence. ''Don't you dare to take one step closer,'' you warn the man with red hair, eyes darting over the pan and his rounded eyes. His eyebrows waggled, holding the pan a little higher to your dismay. ''Aigo... I present to you the best breakfast and this is my reward? And I'm waiting here for a big fat thanks. What a shame...'' 

''Tae, just hold that scum far away from me!'' 

''Stop being a brat and thank me, you brat!'' he pouts while holding out the pan, but his eyes sparkled with horror after seeing you cover your mouth while letting a loud gag. ''You are just being dramatic here,'' he says, turning his back at you, but he holds himself from making a sound while visibly ratching. If Taehyung had a list of weird habits of him, throwing up after seeing, or hearing someone throwing up would be on the list. He makes a speed walk in your corridor, trying not to hear your sound. 

You push the flush once again while listing how to kill someone before getting physically fight in your mind. Poisoning is the first thing to comes across your mind, but you let those thoughts slide from your mind before heading inside. He was too young to die anyway. 

The red-haired man lets out a big sigh, the brooding eyes meet with yours. ''I still can't believe that you are pregnant,'' he throws the last cherry tomato to his mouth, chewing it loudly. ''and when are you going to visit Yuri, she is still super surprised,'' he says nonchalantly while making a small sandwich with salami and the fried egg. 

''You mean my mom?'' you questioned, voice comes out hoarse as you hold your nose while sending him deadly glares. ''and can you just not eat this today?'' you gestured the salami and the egg, turning your head to another side, trying to hold your gag. 

Taehyung scoffs, murmuring how you destroyed the beautiful morning for him, but he can't take the risk of making you vomit all over the kitchen, so he moves them away from you. ''Better?'' he asks after opening the kitchen window, and you nod appreciatively. ''Yuri-... I mean your mother called me after you gave her the news, and told me everything. I hope you won't get back with that bastard because we said pretty good things behind him,'' he plastered a smile on his face, adjusting his hair by brushing it with his hand. 

''I'm still upset with you if you haven't realized it. I'm your best friend and you didn't even bother to give me a call. I wait for three days, but nothing.'' he rolled his eyes, arms crossed above his chest. 

Well, he did have a point by being upset with you, but you hold yourself from giggling as you remembered his face when he comes to your door yesterday, at two o'clock. Eyes of him seizing you in disbelief, one of his hand resting on his chest, above his heart, shaking his head side to side, slowly. He emerged inside, telling you how angry and upset he was, but as you were pregnant he wasn't going to yell at you and make the baby sad. Rather, he gave you the 'how could you' look for a whole night long. And, for your belief, it was worse than him yelling at you. 

He would scold you when he can, between changing every fabric that contains the very memories of your ex, aside with his scent. The scent that tearing your heart, suffocates you to death. He would be cursing and swearing in every two minutes behind your ex, send him the most negative thoughts, mentally. You hardly convince him to send his stuff to charity, and not to burn. 

In his defense, burning them would clear the bad aura he left behind. More likely, that may or may not ease the fire and the hate Taehyung feels about him. Probably won't, you guessed. 

''This is all new for me Tae... Even I can't believe that I'm pregnant,'' you shared, taking a sip from your tea. The weird taste of it made you scrunch your face, but Taehyung made you this saying it was good for a pregnant woman. ''And before I visit my mom, I have to get used to being like this,'' you peek a glance to your belly. As you said to him, it was too new for you to face your mother with a living creature in your stomach. 

Yet, you don't think you will ever get used to this feeling. 

''Okay...'' he nods, licks the chocolate from his fork. But soon after, he gets up and tells you that he had enough of this gloomy atmosphere. He cleans the kitchen, and not letting you help him even though you try, he kicks you out from your kitchen. After he finishes, he tries to guess if it's a she or a he, or maybe neither in his defense. Asks you a lot of questions about pregnancy, makes a couple of jokes about how you knocked up and then he starts to look for baby clothes. When he can't decide what to buy, he calls your mother, but the conversation even comes to your highly charismatic doctor, and you show them his picture. 

It's not the best side of him as it was in the hospital site, still, it was enough to drop Taehyung's chin to the ground. He threatens you to stay away from him, narrows his eyes to reassure you that he was serious, but you just put a couple of slaps on his shoulder between in your laughs. 

''There are people out there, looking like a statue, plus, a brain on their skull. Yet, my naive daughter chooses the stupid one and an ugly stupid,'' your mother sighs, shakes her head, causing Taehyung to burst into laughter. You on the other hand whine and pout the very offensive comment your mother did. Not that she is not right, but how could you possibly know that your three-year relationship would end like that. ''I hope this baby chooses to be like you. At least from the outside,'' another laughter raises from your best friend, your mom won't stop teasing you and ganging up with the redhead. 

''I thought you two would be the wind on my back, not to spit on my face,'' the old woman looks at you the same way as the younger adult. Eyes narrowed, lips pressed together. Both of them try to understand what was that supposed to mean, and you giggle, still surprised by the similarity of the old lady and the young male. It's not a wonder how people thought Taehyung as your mother's son, rather than you. 

''She is just making up words to get us, don't fool by it, Yuri!'' Taehyung warns, mouth twists in disgust and disbelief. And the called woman agrees, hums, and nods her head. You were being a third-wheel between your biological mother and your very best friend. At least you were feeling, and you start to pout. Arms crossed over your chest, having an attitude without making a big fuss. 

Soon after you talk hours and hours, Taehyung and your mom got your sympathy before he gets up to head his home, insists on making you come with him, but you refuse for thousand times. ''You know I'd stay but the couch isn't good for my back,'' you giggle before kissing him goodbye and he leaves after telling you to call him for even the smallest thing. 

The ease on your shoulders fades, sorrow gathers on your chest soon after Taehyung left. Once again, you are grateful to have him in your life. From the first time, you two met in the elementary school, said man never left your side, up this day.  You two hold the hands of each other when you had your first vaccine, and never stop holding. Somewhere the friendship of the two turned to the friendship of the four when Taehyung befriends with Yoongi and Namjoon. 

You love them, adore them for the chaos they bring to your life. That's why you kept your mouth shut about this news, as you knew that they would go crazy, won't leave your side for a moment to be a helping hand. For having and pressing that kind of attention, you should get prepared before. You need to accept the situation, first. 

Six-week pregnancy hits you hard. Not just the morning sicknesses, but also sore, swollen breast due to the change of the shape. Yes, they look bigger than ever and you like how they filled your oversized bra, but the light pain made you uncomfortable. You try to massage them on the shower with your shower gel to ease the ache and constantly refused the help of Yoongi. He offered you to help with the massage thing, which you only sighed and shake your head in disbelief.  

Side of this, you start to pee for like a thousand times a day. Day or night didn't matter, and you always find yourself sleeping on the toilet, waking up to a new need to pee. It was frustrating, annoying, and blood boiling. 

You push the flush once again, adjusting your clothes before heading to the work. Before passing your sneakers to your feet, you take a glance at your long-forgotten heels. Pointy, tight shoes only manage to cause you more burden on these days, so you decide to stay away from them. Who would like to have sore feet while dealing with pregnancy? Not you.

''Give me a break...'' you turn the wheel, heading to another parking lot as some jerk decides to put his car to your spot. There is plenty of parking lot, but this one was the closest to the elevator and you didn't want to park another place to walk all the way down here again. Because of your unstable emotions, you feel too tired lately, worn out, and wanted to cry easily. 

Your hold tightened around the wheel, head slowly falls on it after parking your car. You try to breathe, but it's useless. Everything feels too much, eyes tearing up, while defeat sits on your shoulders. Too much failure. Too much loneliness. Too much agony crept towards you, to your chest. All these days, you acted like there was nothing wrong with you. Like you weren't dying inside, like happy to be pregnant. Or, happy to be dumped. 

Long story short, you weren't. You were waking up to vomit on your throat, ache on your chest, and the first thing you see was your dirty toilet before heading to work. A cramp grows in your chest, won't letting you breathe that you need desperately. Hiccups fall by your lips one by one, just like the tears on your face. Does it have to feel like this? Does it have to hurt like this, you didn't know. 

So many people want to make you happy, who will be your side from the start to end, but somehow this feeling of loneliness won't leave your mind, your heart. You want only one of them on your side, even though you don't accept to be pregnant. But the only person you want on your side, wouldn't be your side. 

You reach to your purse, take a napkin to adjust your face. The business won't work itself, as your boss always says. People need games to play. Most likely, rich people. 

Elevator doors open with an irritating voice, too old to continue working you think. Before you take a step, you hear your name right beside you, causing you to startle. ''Did you made breakfast? If not, join me.'' the man in nothing but sweatpants and a simple shirt, greats you at the door with a big grin. He wishes you won't find a lame excuse to refuse him. 

''Ohh, Damian... you scared me!'' hand placed above your chest, you seized the man. One of his hand in his pocket, mug on the other one. The suiting scent of the coffee fills your nostrils. ''Well, I don't have an appetite for breakfast,'' while you press your lips together, his grin widens on his face, almost covering it completely. 

''Coffee then,'' he turns on his shoes, not letting you say anything before heading to the small kitchen in the office. You sigh, but feeling too tired to turn him down and to deal with his insists. ''Actually, I would like to have a tea instead,'' he turns, eyes widened with your sudden request. Both because you really did follow him, and choose tea over coffee. The brown-haired man knew you more than three years now, and he knew you well enough that you would always choose coffee over tea. 

''That's also good,'' he doesn't want to waste his chance by asking you too much question, so he just smiles. He refreshes his coffee, while you take a sip from your tea. Smooth peach fills in your breath, warms your stomach, nose wrinkles with the warm feeling. ''Thank you,'' you hold your mug up, bowing your head slightly with a smile. 

''Aish... I want to kick his head and his ass. Why he has to be a jerk like this!'' right before the man who stands on the kitchen talks again, his mouth shuts as the voice of long heels, and whinings fill the room. You great the woman with long black hair with your head, while she takes her place on the other side of the table. ''Who thinks he is? I know he is the head of the creative department, but ughhh-- he just annoys me,'' you press your laugh, while the girl covers her face with her freshly manicured hands. 

You exchange looks with Damian, he doesn't hide his smile while playing the hair on his neck. ''Don't you think he is annoying? Y/N?'' hand on your wrist disconnects your stare, and you turn to see round pair of eyes, burning with rage. You found this oddly amusing and also too familiar. 

''Stop pushing Y/N to talk bad about her friend Nara,'' Damian finishes his drink after scolding Nara with an irony. You let your smile out, feeling better after burying your anger and fears to the back of your mind. In fact, you were too busy to think about your low life at this office. ''Fun fact, he is also my boss,'' you narrow your eyes, pointing your forefinger at his face, ''not just yours,'' 

He looks at your finger, then behind you and Nara before speaking. ''Speak of the devil,'' he jokes, waving his hand. You both turn your backs to meet the man you gossip about, Nara lets out a loud groan, hands covering her face once again. 

''I didn't know that I was paying you to chat all day,'' the man in a cream suit leans on the kitchen bench, raising his brow. ''Well, you don't pay us exactly,'' you raise your brow, imitating him but fail to hide your mischief on your tone. 

''If so, don't come at me asking for a raise,'' Nara rolls her eyes after hearing his annoying voice. She really finds his voice annoying. Irritating, and mostly his voice always drives her crazy. 

''Joon, you wouldn't do that. Not to your best worker,'' you pout, but both Damian and Nara protest what you said. They find your high confidence ridiculous and presents their objections. But the head of the creative department can't handle the mess and raise his voice to gather the attention on him. ''Okay, okay, okay. There is no raise near soon, so save this fight for another meeting, alright?'' 

He holds his hand up, regretting to open the topic of the raise. Both you and Damian let a light chuckle, while Nara rolling her eyes at him. Namjoon sends a cringy wink to her before leaving the kitchen, causing Nara to make vomiting sounds. 

Bitter liquid finds its way up to your throat, so you choose to run from there, following Namjoon. Avoiding the numbness on your throat for not to humiliate yourself on the work by vomiting and then explaining why you were vomiting all around the floor. Aish... you would never want to experience that. 

''Don't you have an appointment with--'' between in your overthinking, you cut his words with a loud whine. You close the door behind you and face him. The so-called boss looks at you with round eyes, mouth parted slightly due to your sudden reproach. ''Did I say something wrong?'' 

''No... of course not Joonie,'' you give a little break, scratching your neck in embarrassment. Not that he said something wrong, but more likely what he was going to say would only cause more gossiping and a big fuss that you couldn't handle in this exact moment. You take a seat in front of his desk, rubbing your palms on your thighs. ''I just... don't-- not ready for everyone to hear, you know?'' 

Namjoon's heart aches for a second, seeing you ill at ease and weary makes him upset. He wasn't that oblivious to not recognize how tired you look with the dark bags under your eyes, cursory makeup you do to look more lively, hiding how you feel actually. He just wants to take you from this nightmare you live, but he is too powerless to do so. 

''Sorry Y/N... I'll try to be more careful,''  you smile at him, waving your hand like it's not a big deal, but he knows. ''But, you do have an appointment, right?'' 

''Yes, I have,'' you pause to take a sip from a bottle of water he has on his desk. Out of the blue, you feel dehydrated. ''That's why I barge in here. I need to leave a little bit early today... You know what for,'' Namjoon sized you up with a fond smile on his lips, and you knew that he was up to something, probably going to say something to boil your blood. 

''You came here to ask permission, as I'm your boss, huh?'' opposing to his cocky, annoying expression, you could feel your jaw clenching while eyes twitching. Everyone thought having a friend who is your boss would have benefit for you but in reality, it was annoying. He continuously bragging about this, even after your shifts, while having a joyful meal. ''Joon, I swear that I will sue you for sexual harassment,'' you glare at him, but he lets a scoff. 

''As they would believe you,'' his finger goes between you and himself, forehead creased. ''I'm sorry but obviously, you are not my type,'' you literally growl after his statement, rubbing your face with your palms. What a frustrating human being... 

''I'm leaving,'' you get up between his laughs and attempts to make you stay longer, but you shut the door behind. While sighing and heading to your desk, you feel sorry for Nara. That woman tries not to kill him and tries not to lose her mind because of all his bullshits. You send all of your blessings to her. For hers and Namjoon's sakes. 

''Tell Jimin that if he won't hand me the research I assigned him until the end of this week, I swear the god I'll fire his pre-nurse ass--'' when you enter the room after knocking, two pair of rounded eyes lands on you. You eye them with wide eyes, not expecting to hear these words from your Doctor. ''I'm sorry... I knocked on the door but--'' 

''Y/N! I was waiting for you-- come in,'' despite his red face and visible veins on his neck, his tone comes out sweet like the first appointment you had with him. You give a faint smile in return with a little head bow, closing the door behind you. ''I just need a minute, okay?'' you nod. 

Standing under the white light, eyes focused on your shoes. You should have stopped chewing your lips when you feel nervous, but you never manage it. You liked Doctor Kim, but being in this room will always make you nervous and tense. Being here made your nerves go crazy, pain on the chest and the reality of your situation would always hit you hard in here. Realizing the truth, the truth of being in an unwanted pregnancy haunts you every time you find yourself in here. It's only the second appointment you had, and you shouldn't feel this worn out by this, but you know that every time, every appointment will feel like this. Stressed, vulnerable, and trapped. 

You were too caught up with your own thoughts that you could only hear someone was calling your name after a couple of minutes. ''--Pardon me for keeping you wait, but I had to deal with these papers. So, how are we feeling?'' Doctor Kim's familiar gentle smile stands on his lips while addressing you, hands clenched each other on his desk. You open your mouth to say something. Mostly lying about how good you were, how everything was so great, but the pair of eyes catch your attention. 

Wide eyes staring you in shock and curiosity, lips turn into a pout, slightly parted. Soft brown hair stands on his head, matches with his brown orbs. Very familiar glows he got in his eyes, you think. Very familia--

''Oh let me introduce you to Hoseok,'' Doctor gets up, holding his hand up, pointing the man who confuses your mind. ''This is our greatest nurse, Jung Hoseok--'' 

''We should stop meeting like this,'' the nurse holds his hand up, waiting for you to do the same, but he surprised you with his absurdity. You would remember if you met a man like him. Men who smile like the sweetest peach. The smile that warms your stomach for no reason and the uncertainty made you uncomfortable. The same irritations you feel when you met with the clingy stranger. The day you learn--oh no... ''You always look the same. With the same dead eyes, I guess,'' 

''How--why? You?'' you feel the heat crawling on your neck, bottom lip shaking with the need to say something, but you only be able to sigh. 

You did watch a lot of movies. Both stupid and semi-stupid. Coincidences, serendipities, and all the unexpected meetings you didn't believe. You watched it all, and you gain mature enough not to fall for those stupid movies. Not letting yourself keeping your hopes high, but if you would do it if you keep your hopes high, you wouldn't want to waste those cute coincidences with these two strangers. But as your eyes go between Doctor Kim and the nurse named Hoseok, you could tell that you waste all of your luck. 

Not that you believe though. 

Hoseok feels his heart race quicken, even though he tries to hold himself being obvious, he can't control the shake on his hand. To his luck, you are too caught up with your thoughts to realize it. You were too caught up with the thought of turning your back and run to take fresh air, but that would be so extra. Even for you, so you just stay there. 

When you finally hold his hand to shake it, he gives a relieved sigh. And you don't know why his hand feels so soft and warm. Hoseok's let out a little 'oh' sounds when you take your hand from his grip, pout stands on his lip with the wide eyes because of your sudden move. But you didn't want him to take his hand from your grip, so that's mean you should take it. There is no way that you will stand in there, holding hands with an odd stranger. No way. 

''Did you drink the amount of water I ask, Y/N?'' thanks to your doctor, the most awkward moment you had with the complete stranger eases in time. You nod before he explains why he asked for you to drink water. Things that he explained before, but you were too distracted with pitying yourself and having zero clues about this. ''--we need this in case of any abnormalities on the placenta, checking the cervix for any kind of change...'' you just lost in his words, the unknown words you can't understand babbling in your ears, but your blood run colds when you heard the only familiar word. ''--and the best part, you could hear the heartbeat of the baby. You'd want this, don't you?'' contrary to his smile, you stare him blank. 

You stand there bewildered. Heart pumping the blood faster, cold enough to freeze your fingertips, and the weight on your chest send tears to your eyes. You did not come here for this. You did not. 

Hoseok's eyes wander between you and his friend. He feels anxious about the way you look. The way you bug-eyed looking Jin, chest moving up and down the way he never sees before, and he thinks it's going to explode. The tight and wobbly voice that comes from you even worries him more. ''I--I didn't... Do--do I have to do... that?'' 

You don't know how desperate or pathetic you sound, you didn't care. The only thing you know is that you weren't ready for this. Don't want to do this. The doctor sees the tears, but stays and sounds calm. ''Of course, you don't have to. But I believe it would be better to listen, both for you and the baby.'' his modulated voice ease your heart just a little bit, but you can't understand how this affects you better? Or the baby. ''You can think about this while changing your clothes, okay?'' 

You nod. Too worn out to speak, to find your voice. 

While you drowning in the thoughts of whether you should do it or not, having a mini-crisis inside of your mind, with the knock at the door you flinch. A frown takes its place on your face, and you open the door after adjusting the gown you just wear. Brooding chocolates immediately find yours, size you up with the same pout on his lips. 

Unintentionally, you look down before closing the door partly. Being partly naked in front of him made you uncomfortable, even though he is a nurse. ''Hey,'' he waves his hand in small, tries to smile but it fades because of your deadpan look. You are not in the mood for unwanted conversations. ''I just wanted to... wanted to check on you and ask if you want me to--'' his voice goes so quiet that you couldn't hear what he says in the end. Seeing how he blushes, you understand that he says something you would refuse. 

''You wanted to ask?'' you extend your head, raise a brow to make him repeat. 

''--stay with you,'' 

''What?'' 

''Would you want me to stay with you while listening to the heartbeats of your baby?'' he said in a small panicky voice, eyes searching your face to get ready to hear your reply. 

You stay dumbfounded. It is something stupid, even sounds stupid. You would refuse this. Refuse this immediately. Without thinking about it. Before your heart warms and the hammering on your chest eases. But you open your lips to ask the question you shouldn't ask. ''Is it okay for you to do it?'' 

''Well, I'm a nurse... and if you want this?'' Hoseok wasn't expecting this. He wasn't expecting you to agree on this, wasn't expecting to see the way your eyes glow. The very professional nurse wasn't expecting his heart to melt with the way your eyes blink before replying to him. But it does. 

''Then, I want you to stay. With me,'' 

You had no idea why you agree with him on this. You had no idea how to feel when you open your legs to Doctor Kim, right before you hear the heartbeats. ''You will feel a little pressure, just stay relax,'' the soothing tone of your doctor returns, and just like he said, you feel the uncomfortable pressure inside. When you clench nailing your palms, squeezing your eyes shut, a hand wraps around yours. 

Normally you would flinch with the sudden touch, or feel uneasy. But the way he holds your hand soothes you, the way his light squeezes on your hand makes everything a little bit better. These were unusual things to feel, probably hormones made you feel like this, but you feel grateful to him for staying on your side. 

The way you think 'not him again' when you saw him again, now left its place to gratitude for you. 

''Okay, I think we are ready to hear the heartbeats, huh?'' when your eyes met with Doctor Kim's, you forget how to breathe. Breath stuck on your lungs, your stare stuck on his, and you stuck on the white stretcher. You feel overwhelmed after hearing the intense mechanical beats. You didn't know what to do, how to act after hearing the heartbeats. Agony crept towards your chest, the ache is physical to feel when you covered your chest with your palm. You feel doomed. Vulnerable. Broken. 

Trying to swallow the bitter taste on your lips only made it worse, tears shimmered in your eyes. This was all real. You were pregnant, dumped, and all alone. Everything was happening and you weren't dreaming at all. You never wanted to cry out loud this much, to scream until your throat goes sore and maybe you would faint due to the tiredness. Maybe you would shut your eyes, and never open them again. You wanted to get rid of this ache. 

''It's okay. It's going to be okay,'' Hoseok couldn't help himself from patting your arm, trying to ease your mind. Seeing the tears on your face, the way you squeeze his hand when the beats filled in the room, devastated him. Yes, he only saw you three times, but you never looked this bad. This injured.

''Y/N, are you okay? Can you talk?'' even though you want to reply to him with words, it looked impossible to make a sound. You nod, trying to tell your doctor that you were okay, despite its a lie. ''Would you want to stay alone for a moment?'' 

You didn't know if you nod again, or made a 'hmph', but both of them left the room and leave you alone with your gloomy thoughts. Not that you know what to think, how to feel, or how to act. Why can't someone decides this for you? Why it has to be you? You didn't ask for this. You never wanted this. This... baby. You never felt this alone in your life. Down in the dumps. 

Trying to move was hard, due to the heaviness of your body, your mind. Numbness takes over both your mind and your body, as you try to change your clothes. Lifeless movement only occurs as a handicap on your way to the door, plus, you weren't ready to see anyone. But to your dismay, there was only Doctor Kim, sitting on his desk and writing. Probably for you.

''Ah. Are you feeling better?'' he wondered, lifting his head from his computer. Eyes of him examining your actions, your face to catch your true feelings while you gave him a faint smile. You answer him before wiping your forehead. All the stress made you sweaty. ''Oh, I'm. I'm okay, thank you,'' 

He smiles, points his front, invites you to sit. And you do as he says, taking your place while wondering where Hoseok went from the back of your mind. It was the best not to see him after your little breakdown, but still, it didn't stop you from wondering. ''There is nothing wrong. Baby and you look good, there is nothing to worry about,'' he gave a half-smile before continuing, ''but... Let me ask this Y/N, even though it sounds like I'm crossing the line. Would you think about seeing a psychologist? It's okay to have breakdowns and having troubles as a pregnant woman, and it's not something to abstain about.'' 

''I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, but as your doctor, I'm offering you this. This is our second appointment and you had troubles within both of them. It can be helpful for you, and the baby.'' 

Keeping eye contact was something hard for you to adjust, so you just stare at your fingers, play with them. Although you know he was right and trying to be helpful, you offended. You can't help but feel disparaged. Feel stupid. Being this obvious about your situation was your fault, crying and looking like a wreck. ''I'll think about... it,'' you sniffled, wiping your nose before meeting with his gaze. 

''That's great. You don't have to do it, but if you do, that would be great for you Y/N,''  he said with a quiet empathy, smiling fondly to reassure you. And it wasn't all act. The blonde doctor sincerely wanted to be sure of your health. Both physically and mentally. 

Then, he gave you a paper filled with what you should do incase of fatigues and constipation, side with the essential tests you should do, and the multivitamins you should take. And you left his room after saying a pale goodbye. Probably he was pitying you, but you can't do anything about that, don't you? Well, there is always a choice where you don't cry like a baby every time you came here, but that already wiped from the list, you sighed. 

Exhaustion fills your muscles, your bones after finishing all the tests and check-ups. They were advising you not to go hard on yourself, even though they wear you out with all of these works. Not to be dramatic but you were the last one in this hospital, without counting the doctors and all. With droopy movements of your feet, you head to the exit, imagining your comfy bed, and the midnight snacks you will burry your face. Ahh, you could feel your heart getting warm with the thought of your bed. 

One-step, and you are out, leaving this place, and the heartbeats of the baby behind. Before terrifying misery stuck to your chest, you flinch by the touch on your shoulder. ''Oh, shit! It--It's me,'' you watch the man in dark clothes holding his head, grumbling with a pout on his lips. 

''Ah.. I'm sorry, but why are sneaking me from behind?'' you try to lean on him to give a good look on his head, but he steps back. 

''Did you have to hit me?'' he sighs, rubbing his head while still pouting. ''Gee... you got heavy hands, don't you?'' you try your best not to laugh at the sight, but he was forcing your limits while whining like a crybaby, all pouty and still rubbing his head. ''I'm--... sorry,'' 

''Aish... and you laughing?'' you pressed your lips together to hold your laughter behind, but you failed after seeing his smile. ''I'm smiling because of my rage, don't dare to think that I forgive you,'' 

''C'mon, I didn't hit you that hard,'' his eyes went round, scanning you from head to toe, hand on his chest in disbelief. ''and now you making a big deal of it.'' 

He lets out a gasp as he caught off guard. ''I could have brain damage,'' he mocked, taking his hand from his chest. 

You both stare at each other, without saying another word. You didn't know what to say, and he didn't know how to ask the question he wanted to. Hoseok glanced up to the ceiling, swallowing his words with loud gulps while you chewing your lip, and staring your shoes. In three minutes of silence, you couldn't understand the heat that was placed on your cheeks, as well as the quivering in your chest. It just made you uncomfortable, and you start to move on your feet. 

''I think I should--'' 

''Can I ride you home--'' 

Both of you choke in your words, staring at each other with wide eyes, and two pairs of red cheeks. You should say no, and head to your car and never look back, as this better for you. But part of you just want to accept his offer, and let him drive you home. ''I came here with my car,'' you told, but wishing him to find a decent excuse to drive you home. 

''Oh. It's okay then. We will see each other again,'' he cocks his head to the side, ''right?'' Hoseok didn't mind looking desperate if he doesn't look like some pervert, it was okay to look desperate. He wanted to talk to you, know you better, and maybe help you...? He didn't know what would you say, but couldn't help but want to spend more time with you. 

''Yes. I mean, I'll come here often, so...'' you won't except but you disappointed when he agrees not to drive you that easily. Even though, this was the sensible thing to do. He waved his hand before turning his back and leave you alone, reminding you to take care while walking away. 

You waved back, saying 'goodbye' while forcing a smile. When he disappears, you hit your head for acting like some dumbass. Why did you want him to take you home? Who was he to drive you? Were you always this idiot when it's come to a handsome man? 

Handsome? 

No. This was all hormones talking and thinking. It couldn't be you. You didn't find him handsome. Or cute. No. 

Now you are going to your car, and drive it to your house. To your bed and snacks. The bed where you sleep alone, and eating your depression snacks. Yes, sounds like a good plan. 

[brytmoon]

i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

[poloniumicecream]

i was tagged by @starryeyedagony​ and @hashbrownteamcobrakai​ for this absurdly long list of personal questions <3 no one could possibly need to know this much about me, but let’s go


1. what is the color of your hairbrush? i just... use my hand.... i keep my hair short, it curls and does its own thing

2. name a food you never eat: 
idk i’ll eat what’s offered to me?? i buy what’s easy?? i have no strong food opinions at the moment

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? i have this bird bone body like an ailing victorian child, anything under 70º and i’m freezing

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? was trying to be productive but instead found a good link to the blue lick horror house🙏 idk what’s so fascinating about this thing, but i can’t let it go. maybe bc i have nightmares that resemble this space?? anyway i live here now

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? reeses never lets me down

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? 
memories blocked, sports too boring to think about

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? i regret to admit i am reading this out loud as i go

8. what is your favorite ice cream? idk but the worst i ever had was peanut butter

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? some faintly bleachy tap water, delicious

10. do you like your wallet? i use a coin purse to hold cards and cash - it's a pretty recognizable bright colored mass produced one. a while back there was a popular celebrity on the periphery of my friend group (don’t ask pls) and one time at a bar or something i had my "wallet" out and from across the room they locked eyes with me and pulled the Same One out of their pocket. pretty sure it was weed tho. but imagine carrying ur weed in a normal bill-fold wallet. that would have been funnier :/

11. what is the last thing you ate? 
lost in the turbine of my memory

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i did not but i just got a new desk lamp, genuinely v excited for that to arrive

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? 
i don't think this question applies to my experiences

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? popcorn smells are compelling but if i eat things that stick in my teeth i'll lose my entire mind. wait this is it, the answer to number 2

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? close inner circle group chat planning our surprise private island getaway. no but we’re making (safe!) halloween plans

16. ever been camping? not as often as usual this year but yes! see above

17. do you take vitamins? 
those gummy ones like fruit snacks

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? 
nah

19. do you have a tan? i'm ghostly

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? i'm pickier about pizza. u can't go wrong with chinese

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? no...?

22. what color socks do you usually wear? mostly dark but i have some fluffy pastel ones specifically bc the contrast in my laundry is funny to me

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? i'm gay i don't drive

24. what terrifies you? 
third date kind of question!

25. look to your left, what do you see? dying jade plants and beyond these, a cat's loving gaze

26. what chore do you hate most? 
vacuuming. loud

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? 
family

28. what’s your favorite soda? 
dr pepper only. i don't really drink soda tho. i was raised by the kind of parents who put fruit juice in seltzer and sold me that lie. i guess it stuck

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? there are so many food questions in this list pls

30. what’s your favorite number? 
secret information

31. who’s the last person you talked to? 
my father. probably the person i've spoken with out loud the most this year

32. favorite meat? i no longer eat meat

33. last song you listened to? it’s been a war on drugs kind of week

34. last book you read? 
i can't read

35. favorite day of the week? 
something cool about a thursday, i can't explain it

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? 
feeling very interrogated rn

37. how do you like your coffee? however it wants to be. i for real cannot supply food or beverage opinions like this on demand PLS

38. favorite pair of shoes? 
generic black leather lace up boots

39. time you normally get up? i'm drawing my shades and peering suspiciously outside through a crack rn

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? ok when ur out somewhere with no artificial light and it makes the sky more dramatic and cool, either one is good

41. how many blankets are on your bed? not enough, season transitions are rough

42. describe your kitchen plates? ... grandma is that u?

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: 
it's clean, it's fine, grandma get out of here

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? 
among the friends i drink with, one is a skilled bartender and we let him surprise us with whatever obscure drink he thinks each person should have that night. i would trust him with my life. conversely i just remembered my very best friend is also a bartender but him i wouldn’t let serve me anything except straight from the bottle. hm. what i’m trying to say is, the company i keep is more important to me than what's in the glass. should i also clarify i made these friends before they pursued this work and i’m not, like, frequenting bars to harass the staff? this answer is a mess lol

45. do you play cards? 
i don’t have a great attention span for learning or enduring things like that

46. what color is your car? 
u know what's funny is how much junk mail i get with car insurance offers. i wonder what color they think the car i've never had is

47. can you change a tire? 100% no and that would not stop me trying. it won’t be my car so i have nothing to lose and all of myself (also nothing) to give

48. your favorite state or province? idk i feel like a stranger everywhere i go except nyc

49. favorite job you’ve had? ok, mr. fbi i think that's enough

😔 i have not kept track of who’s been tagged or done this already, and the links will kill my tags anyway. do u have shit u need help procrastinating on? here, try this

[purplesurveys]

1141

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - Do you have a favourite day of the week? What is it about that day that you like so much? I feel like I just answered this recently, but let’s go with Friday again. Always nice to fade out after work and to finally close all my work tabs and chats, and not feel obligated to reply to anyone for a couple of days.

2 - Would you describe yourself as a sociable person or not? I’m not the most sociable person, like I don’t always have the energy to be at the maximum level of perky, but I am to an extent. I no longer find it difficult to approach people and strike up a conversation.

3 - Who was the last person you spoke to out-loud? What did you speak to them about? My mom. My former director, Ysa, sent me a scented candle earlier tonight - as a parting gift since she got promoted and got reassigned to my employer’s sister company - and I just asked my mom to light the candle up because I’m scared of matches and fire.

4 - Do you prefer tea or coffee? Coffee; I never drink tea.

5 - What's your ideal weather? When was the last time you had that kind of weather where you live? Any kind of weather where the temperature is anywhere below 25ºC (which is already considered quite chilly here) is fine with me.

6 - Who was the last person (apart from family) that you spent time with? What did you get up to? Does virtual count? I had a Jeopardy night on Zoom with my orgmates a couple of weeks ago. I might miss out on a couple of people, but I was with Peter, Elis, Andi, Carmel, Robin, Laurice, and Mik. Apart from that, my uncle treated me, my kuya, and my cousin Luke to lunch the morning after said Zoom call.

7 - If you have pets, when was the last time one of them got on your nerves? Oh my god, just this afternoon. I was in a Zoom call with a client and besides our PR agency, there was another marketing agency in the call who was also pitching their presentation deck. The entire call was pure bliss on my end, no one was making noise at home – the second it came to my speaking parts, Cooper started howling and barking like crazy because idk, maybe he saw an animal outside or something?? In any case it suddenly got very loud and I got caught off-guard, and I ended up stuttering several times as I was trying to focus.

8 - Do you have to wear a uniform at work or school? If not, what do you tend to wear? The only time I had to wear a legit uniform was in private school, which I attended from preschool to high school. We do have business casual dress code at work, but that in itself is pretty flexible so I don’t really count it as a ‘uniform.’

9 - Would you rather live in a house with a swimming pool or an indoor cinema? Indoor cinema. I watch a lot of things that I’d love to be able to view with a much bigger screen - plus it’s a lot easier to maintain than a pool, lol.

10 - When was the last time you were at the beach? August 2019 :(

11 - Do you own a credit card? If so, do you currently owe any money on it? Could you afford to pay it off tomorrow if necessary? No. My parents also advise against getting my own credit card since I could pick up some bad spending habits from it, according to them. That sounds scary enough so I’m ok with my debit card.

12 - What do you tend to wear to sleep in? Does this vary depending on the time of year? Usually something light, short, and airy since I live in a tropical country that never gets to enjoy temperatures lower than like 23ºC.

13 - What do you tend to have for breakfast, if you eat it? Fried rice, hotdogs, and bacon strips are filling enough for me.

14 - If someone offered to cook you a three-course-meal of your choosing, no budget - what would you have? Oysters, filet mignon, and macarons.

15 - How many hours of sleep do you typically get each night? Is that enough to function or would you rather have more? Anywhere between 7–9 during weekdays, and like 3–4 during weekends because revenge bedtime procrastination is real. Yeah, I’d say it’s enough on both ends.

16 - Does your house have a loft/basement? Are they functional or do you just use them for storage? We have neither.

17 - When was the last time you did a load of laundry? Do you need to do some in the near future? I don’t do the laundry at home.

18 - Are you addicted to anything legal? What about illegal? I guess vaping? I’m a lot more reliant on it now versus the past few months, and I get a little restless whenever I have to charge it for an hour or so. 

19 - Do you suffer from road rage? What kind of thing tends to set you off or wind you up while driving? A little bit, but I obviously haven’t had to express it in a while because of my much-lessened time on the road due to Covid. Standstill traffic is the biggest factor, but standstill traffic + stupid drivers who are impatient and end up not following the road lanes is the quickest way to irritate me and set me off.

20 - What kind of animal did you last see in the wild? Is that a common sight where you live? I have no idea, and that’s precisely because I live in the suburbs in a city which would not make them a common sight.

21 - How is your hair styled at the moment? Low side ponytail.

22 - Do you post a lot on social media? If so, what kind of thing do you tend to post on there? Not as much as I used to. I’ll probably post 5–7 tweets (versus the 50+ I’d post when I was younger) and share like 1–3 Facebook posts a day. I could talk about pretty much everything on Twitter since that’s my main dump - be it rants, my feelings, what I ate, the latest dumb thing Cooper did, etc. On Facebook I mostly share memes, at least family-friendly ones that wouldn’t alert my relatives lol.

23 - What are you watching/listening to at the moment? Nothing for either. I can hear some birds chirping outside since it’s finally getting brighter again, but that’s it.

24 - If you have multiple pets, do they all get along with each other or are there sometimes fights/scuffles? Cooper has actually finally settled down a bit so I’m starting to feel more comfortable letting him out with Kimi in the same room/floor. He understands that Kimi doesn’t like being disturbed so even though he’s in the mood to run around and be energetic and play catch or whatever, he always takes the time to tip-toe around Kimi. They’re not best buds by any means, but it’s enough to leave them be and not worry about a fight breaking out anymore. Sweet boys.

25 - What are some habits you have in common with your parents? My dad excessively blinks when he’s feeling tense or in an argument; I ended up picking that up from him. With my mom, it’s mostly phrases or expressions that she likes to use.

26 - Where's your favourite place to swim - the ocean, a pool, river, lake etc? Beaches.

27 - When you're saving your place in a book, do you use a bookmark or fold your pages down? Or something else? I either remember the page number or do a tiny dog-ear. Bookmarks aren’t the right match for me lol, I’ll most likely end up losing them.

28 - What's your favourite kind of cereal? Sweeter ones.

29 - Is any part of your body hurting at the moment? Is there a specific incident that caused the pain? Yeah, my neck had actually been seriously stiff during my last shift and I couldn’t move my head unless I moved my entire body along with it. It’s died down now but I can definitely still feel the strain. My left shoulder in particular feels very strained at the moment and I’m feeling a considerable level of discomfort from it as I take this.

30 - What was the last thing to make you laugh out loud? 2 Days 1 Night, the usual. The Korean style of video editing is phenomenal and can literally make anything funny.

[makabunni]

The Maka Albarn Challenge

I’ve watched Soul Eater around 13 times, read it multiple, and have been an avid fan for years now. Maka Albarn has been one of the biggest inspirations since I came across the anime. I know the characters like the back of my hand. 

Since I look up to some of her qualities as a character a lot, I figured I’d turn it into a challenge. If you’re reading this, then I’m already starting.

Here’s a quick overview as to what we’re focusing on:  Physical fitness & health, flexibility, studying, language learning, advocacy and generally being put together.  You can add or remove things if you want, edit it to your needs. If you don’t like the sound of that, make your way to the exit.

This challenge is not tiny and will expand as i get more ideas and time goes on. This means I’ll edit things occasionally. In true Maka fashion, this is not slow in pace. I’m building a carrd  so check it occasionally to see when it’s finished.  We’re going week by week with daily things to add. I made it customizable but I’ll be posting my own updates.

WEEK 01:

Reorganize closet & bathroom

Do five workouts

Drink 8 glasses of water per day

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Stretch for 10 minutes every day

Build a morning routine and a night routine

If you want your weekly tasks to be easier, add one or two into one of the routines.

Suggestions for morning/night routines: 2-3 self care items, 1 motivational item, 1 habit, 1 productivity item, 1 planning item, breakfast, stretching, clean 1 area

No phone for 7 hours this week (try a phone addiction app)

Pick a subject, study it for 3 hours

Fold clothes as soon as they finish drying

WEEK 02:

Stick with the morning and night routines, do not skip

Do five workouts

Drink 8 glasses of water per day

Stretch for 10 minutes every day

Do dishes as soon as you make them

Pick a subject, study it for 4 hours

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Eat veggies/fruit every day this week

No phone for 8 hours this week 

Watch a documentary

Read one book/fanfiction

Spend an hour doing something you really enjoy, even if it’s netflix.

Practice improving something four times

WEEK 03:

Keep going with the routines! If you need to, add things to them.

Go on one run/jog/walk

Drink 8 glasses of water per day

Stretch for 15 minutes every day

If it takes less than 2 minutes to do, do it then and there.

Watch two documentaries 

Read one book/fanfiction (if you’re a writer, write one!)

Do something you miss doing for 20 minutes per day

No phone for 10 hours this week

Study a language for 1.5 hours every day

Cook a new meal!

Do five workouts

Affirm yourself of one thing positive every day

Practice improving something five times

WEEK 04:

No procrastination! Try to get things done without procrastinating.

Make a to-do list for this week with all of your tasks and every morning, try to get as many of them done as you can.

Don’t forget your routines :D

Go on two runs/jogs/walks

Drink 8+ glasses of water per day

Stretch for 15 minutes every day

Read two books/fanfictions

Do something you miss doing for 30 minutes a day

No phone for 10 hours this week

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Do five workouts

Keep affirming yourself once per day!

Practice improving something 20 minutes a day

Prepare a bento/lunch box 

Find something to invest in! Whether it be knowledge or stocks. 

MONTH TWO

Entering month two, we’re going to carry over a few things (i just won’t write them into each week so that there’s less reading involved) Starting this month, carry the following into each week:

8+ glasses of water/day

Morning & Night routines

No phone for 10 hours every week

3-5 workouts

Stretch for 15 minutes every day

Do something you miss/enjoy for 20 minutes a day (even if it’s tv)

Learn one new fact every week

WEEK 01:

Read four books/fanfictions

Go on two run/jog/walks

If it takes less than two minutes, do it then and THERE.

No procrastination week! Avoid procrastination like the plague

Indulge in a hobby three times

Study a language for 3 hours every day

Study something new this week

Try a smoothie bowl

Watch two documentaries

Organize the rest of the house

Complete your to-do list

Sign up for something new to try

If you haven’t already, start a skincare routine. And follow it the best you can!

Set up a bed time! This is important! Set a wake-up time too and put your phone across the room.

Add a good habit into your life this week

Practice something once this week

Advocate for something you care about/do research on that subject

WEEK 02:

Read four books/fanfictions

Go on three runs/jogs/walks

Complete to do list

Create a schedule to fit your routine and daily needs, add in your tasks and look at how much time you have left over in the day, fill it in!

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Make a bento/lunch box

Practice improving something this week

Do all dishes after you’re finished with them and keep up with laundry

Spend an hour every day doing something relaxing/nice

Try to get as far as you can on a duolingo tree

Study a subject for 5 hours this week

Eliminate one bad habit this week

Try meditation or just relaxing with music for an hour this week

Make a chart/etc on something you care about

WEEK 03:

Read five books/fanfictions

Go on three runs/jogs/walks

Complete to do list

Follow your schedule three days this week

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Keep up with laundry this week

Spend an hour every day doing something relaxing/nice

Continue the duolingo tree! Every day! Even if it’s five minutes.

Watch a new movie/show/anime/etc

Do something you’ve always wanted to but were too unmotivated

Eat something healthy each day

Stick ! to ! your ! wakeup ! time !

Study a subject for 5 hours this week

Eliminate another bad habit

Make a cleaning schedule and try to follow it!

Affirm! Yourself! Daily! You got this

WEEK 04:

Read four books/fanfictions

Go on four runs/jogs/walks

Complete to do list

Follow the schedule for 5 days this week

Study a language for 4 hours every day

Spend an hour every day doing something relaxing/nice

Continue on the duolingo journey!

Eat something healthy each day

Listen to some new music this week

Study another topic every day this week

Try a hair mask/face mask

Don’t forget to keep up with laundry and dishes this week

Watch a new show/movie/anime/etc

Add two new good habits to your life this week

Tell yourself something affirming every day

Okay that’s all I have for now, this is a personal challenge and i haven’t added everything to it because then this would be a massive post full of insane goals. I’m an overachiever and will be posting weekly or daily updates to this blog.  Anyways enjoy uwu

[refrigafreighters]

9 Reasons Timers Can Help You Finish More Tasks

It's difficult to stay on task while cleaning your house. Find out how to remain focused and stay moving while cleaning your home.

I may not like cleaning the house, washing the dishes or folding the laundry. These aren't enjoyable for me. Yes, I may feel a bit giddy getting a closet organized or throwing out a trash bag full of clutter However, even those jobs require energy that I often don't possess.

Every day, I'm faced with many chores that are calling my name. And I have two million excuses ready to be used. I'm always able of finding the perfect reason to not do anything.

Whether you're a stay-at-home mom, a working woman, or a work-from-home-wonder-woman, it can be hard to find motivation to do those tasks that you really don't enjoy. The work that has to be done every day, and week after week could take away the motivation to get things done.

Then, you pile on the exhaustion and lack of energy that typically accompany a day of keeping house and taking care of a family The To-Do List grows while the house becomes more filthy and the mess becomes more annoying.

The solution to my I-hate-cleaning-but-it's-got-to-be-done problem? Use an alarm clock.

Why You're More Productive when You use a timer:

1. Be sure to limit your time.

You're sure that you'll be able get your kids an ice cream after the alarm goes off and that you can stop working on the annoying task once it is over. You're aware that in only seconds you will be able to put down your work. ).

2. Efficiently use small segments of time.

The timer's short duration allows you to clear your home and get organized without procrastinating. It's not necessary to wait around for hours before you are able to clean. Now, you can be productive for a couple of minutes every time you have the chance.

3. Helps you concentrated.

There's always something calling out for your attention whether it's the latest amazing Instagram blog post or an idea you'd rather be doing. If you want to complete the project on time, you can't avoid the timer online.

4. Pushes you to work quickly.

The countdown to the clock will put you in power-cleaning mode, requiring you to use your energy to finish the job quickly. This is a great way to inspire youngsters to work hard and not slack.

5. Gets the momentum rolling.

It's easy to get the flow of energy by setting aside just a few minutes of effort. You don't need to wait for hours or days to finish a task. When you realize the results of those first fifteen minutes, you're more likely to feel motivated to continue working.

6. This shows how easy the majority of tasks are.

It's incredible how quickly tasks that you put off with a timer guiding you along. Most of the time, those chores that you've put off or worrying about aren't nearly as hard as you thought. They also take shorter time than you thought. It's easy to appreciate the advantages of having timers.

7. Helps your children cooperate.

Children are more likely to clean when they know there's a conclusion to their task. They'll be more productive if they feel they are racing the clock, especially when they are rewarded at the end. ).

8. This gives you the satisfaction of accomplishment

Even the most chaotic days can feel productive when you have completed a few minutes of household chores and the timer makes this a measurable goal. Setting a timer will help you feel motivated to get some things accomplished and the progress you make makes you feel much better than you would carrying around the guilt of having a completely useless day.

9. Let's be good enough.

You can't make advancement if you're a an perfectionist. It tells you that you have to wait to do the job perfectly which could result in you never finding the ideal time. Set a timer will give you the right to end your work on a task or project even if the final result isn't "perfect," so you're more likely to make some improvements.

Use a timer to do just 15 minutes of work next time you're having trouble with your laundry pile or the mail pile which keeps increasing. Once you've started and you'll be amazed by the amount you can accomplish in a single day.