#i need to figure out how to make my brain work the way it used to
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tutor!jisung x reader
genre: smut (minors dni 18+), college au, fingering, reader is bad at math but not that dumb, jisung is a bit manipulative.
wc: 2.1k
synopsis: since your finals were coming up, you desperately needed a tutor. so doing what every normal person would do, you asked the top student for help, but his idea of studying under pressure was far from what you had imagined.
authors note: tysm for over 1k notes on practice makes perfect!!! i never expected to get this amount on my first post, i couldn’t be more grateful…🥹 i’ll try my best to post more!! i hope you like this too hehe
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you tried your best to keep up in lectures, finish assignments on time, bullshit your way through the discussion boards, but when it came to exams, you were a lost cause.
"ugh, i don't get it at all!" you groan and drop your pen onto the notebook while pressing a hand to your forehead out of frustration. all the formulas you went over are slipping from your mind, no matter how hard you try to focus.
jisung exhales and shakes his head as he's closing his laptop that’s decorated in space and alien stickers. "no, this isn't working out." he says and leans back against the wall. "we need to try a different method."
as he opens the textbook which replaces the laptop and starts flipping through the pages, you flop backward onto his bed and sigh so loudly that the vibrations shake the empty glass of water on the table.
the noise makes his head turn towards you. at first, it’s like as if he’s studying you; his eyes on you, scanning, thinking, calculating.
you can feel the piercing gaze burning holes in your skin. you suddenly think of searching study methods online, but before you grab your phone, you feel the mattress dip under his weight.
he moves closer to you, so close that his thigh is pressed against yours and you can feel his warmth seep through your shorts. you almost freeze for a second. “jisung—“
he cuts you off with a “shh.” he’s acting like this between you is completely normal, like you two were always used to sharing such intimate contact.
while you’re confused, embarrassed and don’t know what’s going on, he’s focused, unbothered and calm. it’s like as if he has something figured out.
as you were staring into his eyes, you felt his hand move to your thigh, slowly, as if he was testing how far he could go. just below the hem of your shorts, his warm fingers press against your skin.
“…what are you doing?” you manage to blubber out, because you didn’t trust yourself to speak.
“trying something else,” he says and his thumb brushes, which makes you shiver.
this is new, dangerous and completely out of your comfort zone, but you make no effort to move away.
jisung is still studying your face, searching for any sign of resistance, and then he tilts his head. “i thought you said you needed motivation.” your heart skips a beat as you feel his thumb stroke your thigh again, “maybe this will help.”
your mind urges you to say something, ask what the fuck is he doing, tell him to stop, maybe laugh it off… but that would make you dishonest with yourself.
his fingers are still tracing circles slowly against you, still drifting almost beneath the hem of your shorts, never going too far, but never stopping either.
your pulse is pounding in your ears. you swear you can feel your heartbeat everywhere.
“you’re messing with me.” you say with your voice light, almost like you’re expecting him to deny.
he hums and slightly tightens his fingers. “am i?”
you turn your gaze from his hand to his face, but he’s already looking at you. he’s not grinning, not laughing, just watching, like he’s silently asking you, how far can i take this?
your thighs twitch at the sight of him. as your heart won over the small battle with your brain, you exhale and part your legs just enough to give his fingers more access.
jisung notices immediately and his lips curl into something that’s barely a smile. he doesn’t say a word, but his fingers trail further up your inner thigh, in such a measured way that’s enough to make you tremble. “still think i’m messing with you?” he murmurs.
“…no,” you swallow.
“good,” he leans in closer to you and turns your head to the laptop screen, “now focus.” he must’ve turned it on while i wasn’t paying attention, you think to yourself.
a new equation is in front of you, something basic, it’s something you’d usually solve in seconds. but your brain is empty.
“if you get it right,” he whispers, his fingers still massaging your thigh, “i’ll reward you.” his other hand slides across the sheets, pulling the laptop a bit closer.
“but if you get it wrong…” he hums and tilts his head slightly. you can feel his fingers pressing little bit harder. “then we try something else, okay?”
your legs shift as the heat is pooling in your lower stomach, you’re not sure whether you want to get the answers right or wrong.
you try to focus, but all you can think about is the way he’s pressing his fingertips into your skin. the question is simple, you just have to say what’s the derivative of 5x², but your mouth is dry.
you know the answer to it, you two have gone over this theme hundreds of times, but you can’t open your mouth, your mind is completely blank.
“uh—“ your voice is trembling. you need to answer. “ten x?” you finally breathe out.
for a second, there’s silence. you start to think this is some sort of joke, that he was gonna laugh it off any second.
but inside your shorts, his hand slides higher, his palm presses right over your panties, and he hums, “correct.”
before you reach out to the laptop to read the next question, you feel your underwear get pushed to the side. you don’t have enough time to react as he slides his ring finger inside, which makes your breath catch and your thighs clench.
his finger presses in deeper and your hips instinctively roll forward, chasing more friction, he chuckles at that and his other hand slides up to press against your thigh to keep you still.
“we…we’re supposed to be studying,” you blurt out. he tilts his head and slips his finger in fully, “should we stop then?” you try to reply, but the only thing that’s close to a response from you is the way your hips keep twitching, almost begging him to move his finger, and he curls his finger inside, touching your sweet spot, which makes you let out a small whimper. jisung hums, “thought so.”
you dig your nails into the sheets. yes—it feels good, but it’s not enough. “jisung…” you whisper.
“hmm?” he answers in a mocking tone as his other hand grips your thigh tighter so he keeps you spread for him.
his finger starts moving inside you, but it’s so slow it’s like he’s not completely giving you what you want. though, you can’t bring yourself to protest.
“now, next question,” his voice is low. your eyes are locked on the laptop screen, but your brain is too fuzzy to register any number. you can barely breathe, let alone think.
he must know the effect he has on you as he reads the equation out loud, “derivative of three x squared?” he asks and presses his finger again.
you tremble from the touch, “fuck—“
“that’s not an answer, y/n.” his voice is so calm, not like he’s fingering you, more like he’s genuinely waiting for you to answer him. like you’re actually supposed to focus on fucking math.
it’s not like you’re not trying. you are trying to answer, but the way his finger is pumping inside you so slowly, curving it slightly with each thrust makes you on the edge of craving more.
“come on, baby,” jisung coos and his lips brush your temple, “i know you know this one.”
your hands curl into fists, “i—six x?” you gasp.
he hums in approval and adds another finger, causing your back to arch. given how large his hands are, the stretch is perfect.
before you control yourself, your thighs snap shut against his wrist, your whole body is trembling and you’re completely overwhelmed.
he sighs like he’s disappointed in you. “don’t do that,” he says before using his other hand to pry your legs apart again.
his fingers push deeper and suddenly his thumb brushes over your clit. it’s barely there, enough to tease you, but not enough to satisfy you. it still draws noises from you.
“better,” he whispers and asks a question you don’t even bother registering. you blurt out a random number, hoping you’re right, gasping as you gave him the answer.
he’s silent for a second, until he answers, “wrong,” and presses his thumb down on your clit, hard.
your whole body jerks. a broken moan spills from your lips and your legs almost start closing on him again, but his grip tightens and locks you in place. “you’re gonna have to do better than that, baby.”
his fingers slam into you faster, more deeper. the slow pace he’d set earlier is gone. your body is reacting on it’s own, your hips rolling into his hand, your mouth letting small whimpers every time his fingers thrust in you. you can feel how wet you are based off the slick sounds and how easily he’s moving inside you.
“look at you,” he whispers as he’s watching the way your chest rises and falls, the way your lips part, the way your nails dig into the sheets, “you’re not paying attention at all, is this how you’re going to pass exams?”
you can’t even hear him. physically yes, but your mind is drowning under the pressure of his fingers curling inside you and his thumb massaging circles onto your clit.
it’s so perfect, so precise that you could almost believe he’s playing with your body like he’s been waiting to do this.
but how could that be? jisung, the top student who barely speaks to anyone, who hid his face in glasses when you practically begged him to tutor you for finals.
jisung, who side-eyed you every time you spaced out in lectures, who rolled his eyes when you’d rather scroll on your phone than take notes.
jisung, who sighed dramatically when you showed up to your first tutoring session completely unprepared, who scoffed when you whined about how you’d never pass if he didn’t help you.
jisung, who agreed anyway, who sat beside you for hours, patiently going over problems, reminding you of formulas, watching you struggle.
jisung, who smirked slightly every time you leaned in closer, every time your knee bumped his under the table, every time you chewed on your lip and complained that math was ‘so hard’.
jisung, who was always so calm, so unbothered, so normal.
jisung, who’s completely unraveling you now.
like he’s been waiting to do this, like he’s thought about it, like you didn’t catch up with it.
your thoughts quickly get cut off from the knot in your stomach coiling tighter. “jisung,” you gasp, your words barely audible, “i—i’m gonna—“
he presses harder, his fingers hitting that perfect spot inside you over and over. “you’re gonna cum all over my fingers?”
you nod quickly and desperately. your body is trembling, your stomach is coiling tighter, tighter, tighter—
until he pulls his fingers out. completely.
the loss causes your body to tense, a sharp gasp breaks from your lips and your hips roll down against nothing, chasing friction that’s no longer there. “what the fuck.” you cry out in desperation.
jisung leans back against the headboard like he didn’t just ruin you in the span of five seconds. his fingers, soaked, still dripping with you, lift lazily to his lips.
you stare at him as he licks them clean. you can’t even process the fact that he just left you so empty, so fucking desperate, so completely on edge.
“you wanna cum?” he asks while smirking, it’s not a question, he knows the answer.
your whole body trembles, thighs still spread for him, pussy throbbing, breath uneven.
“yes,” you say instantly, “yes, yes, yes, please, i need—“
“then ace your exams.”
your brain stalls.
your jaw drops.
“…you’re joking.”
jisung shakes his head, like this is just another normal conversation, like he didn’t just lick your arousal off his fingers.
“you don’t get to finish,” he says simply, “not until you earn it.”
your nails dig into the sheets, “you’re insane.”
“i said i’d help you,” he answers, “but i never said i’d make it easy.”
you shudder. you’re still clenched tight, still throbbing, still sitting at the edge of your orgasm, still waiting for him to slam his fingers back inside you.
he knows. he’s still sitting there, fully clothed, perfectly composed, like he didn’t just completely fuck you over and left you aching for him.
you can’t even say anything.
“better start focusing more,” he hums, stretches and goes back to his phone, completely unbothered.
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this will be getting a part 2, so let me know in the comments or send an ask if you’d like to get added to the taglist🙂↕️
#park jisung#jisung nct#nct jisung#park jisung smut#nct smut#nct dream smut#nct dream imagines#nct imagines#jisung imagines#jisung smut#nct jisung imagines#jisung x reader#park jisung x reader#nct x reader#nct dream x reader#park jisung fanfic#jisung fanfic#nct fanfic#nct dream fanfic#jisung x you#park jisung x you
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Say my name.
Ghostface! Gojo x final girl reader!
A Party goes massively wrong.
CW: violence, oral fem, unprotected sex, first time writing him, rough sex.
The party became a massacre. Two ghostface killers took out most of the individuals except you. You fought your way through but now you were going head to head with one of the masked killers. He was strong, whoever it was and you now needed to rely on speed.
You skirted your way past the knife that he slashed at your body. You ran through the empty living room, making a dart to the front door but a hand seized your hair. You were thrown to the floor, a heavy boot kicking you and you went to cover your vitals when you heard a gurgle.
You lowered your guard and saw the figure collapse. A knife was lodged in his chest as he crumpled but the second Ghostface loomed behind.
You started backing away, your shoes squeaking on the hardwood floor but you froze when you heard a laugh. Not just any laugh but a familiar sound.
Your eyes widened like saucers when you saw the male remove the mask, still giving into whatever sick joke he thought of.
Gojo. His white blonde hair, piercing eyes were covered with blood. You shrieked as he crouched down and seized your ankle as you attempted to move back.
“I told him you were mine. See what happens when people don’t listen?” He scoffed as you kicked at him and he grabbed hold of your other leg. “Oh, no we’re not playing this little game.”
Gojo’s gloved hands were slippery with crimson as he yanked you towards him. You still wildly shook and swatted at him. But he dismissed it with mild annoyance.
“Everyone knew you were off limits. Only I get you. You’re my little pet. And he should have listened to someone who was better.” You pressed your lips together but he smirked.
“Oh, stop it. Don’t act like there isn’t a small part of you that likes this. That enjoys how far I went to have you. I took out all the competition, saved your life and I even took a few good hits.” He chuckled as you swung your fist but caught it easily.
“Now, are you going to be a good little girl or am I going to have to tie you up?” He worked a blonde brow and you glared at him. Still refusing to speak.
“So be it.” Gojo managed to slip off his belt and tie it around your wrists into contrition.
He also lifted you into his arms and you stopped struggling momentarily so you wouldn’t fall down the stairs. But once he got to the upstairs hallway, you thrashed. Gojo pressed you against the wall by your shoulders and grazed his lips along your pulse point.
“The day I saw you…a student…under someone else. Wearing that pretty dress. I needed you. Needed to do whatever I had to get you. This?” Gojo pinched the black material. “This was a stepping stone. To you.”
“You’re fucking crazy and you’ve seen too many movies, psycho.” You whispered but he only glanced at your lips.
“Movies don’t make psychos. Movies make psychos more creative, princess.” His warm mouth sealed over yours and the logic part of your brain faded.
He kissed you with his whole body, pressing into you and his big hands exploring your curves. They cupped your ass and lifted you by the back of your knees. Gojo kicked open a door, tossed you onto the bed and your dress was hiked.
He groaned at the sight of your underwear peeking through and your disheveled hair.
“Before I feel you squeeze my cock, I gotta taste that pussy,baby.”
Your chest heaved as Gojo tugged down the strings of your thong and peeled them off. He crumpled them into a ball and brought them to his nose. He deeply inhaled and then lifted the gown over his head.
His toned body shifted as he got on his knees and he didn’t waste any more time.
Gojo shoved his face into your cunt, making your head go back as he made out with your pussy. He sucked and licked the clit, moaning around your skin as he sampled every drop you gave him. He wasn’t shy about using his hands. Kneading your tits, gripping your thighs and he even gave you a few harsh spanks if you tried to move away.
You started to pant, groan and whine as he shoved his tongue inside. Thrusting it and a line of drool came out of his mouth as he pulled your clit between his lips.
Your mouth parted with broken cries and he looked up at you.
“Say Ghostface as you cum, little princess.” This challenged you to bite your lip and he nodded.
Gojo pulled back from your pussy, shoving down his pants and his cock slapped between his thighs. The pulsing head dripped with precum as he grabbed your bound wrists and held them over your head.
“Bad girls don’t get to touch. You can say sorry and I’ll cum in you. If you don’t? I’ll cum on you instead.”
You didn’t have a chance to answer as he slapped the tip of his dick against your center a few times. Smearing fluids and then shoved it in. You gasped and whimpered as he filled you deliciously.
You tasted the aftermath of blood as he kissed you again. Nipping your lower lip as his bright blue eyes briefly looked into yours. He lifted your legs over his shoulders and drove his hips harder. Not wasting time building up as his balls slapped your ass.
Losing control as he started rubbing your clit, you yelled. “Ghostface! Ghostface, fuck me!” You slurred as he let out a dark laugh and turned you on your stomach.
Gojo spanked your ass a few times and then put you on your hands and knees.
“That’s my girl. That’s my dirty little slut. My little champion who almost beat me.” He snarled and rammed his cock deep into you. His hands buried in your hair and shoved your face down into the pillow.
Gojo went at a brutal pace but you enjoyed every second as you moaned, whined and sobbed in pleasure as you creamed on his dick.
“Say my fucking name!” He ordered and you screamed with tears in your eyes from overstimulation.
“Ghostface, cum in me! Cum in me, please, please, please!” Ropes of cum spilled into you and dripped out onto the bed. Gojo kept going, thrusting into you until you felt his cock twitch in your cunt.
He leaned down, pressing a few kisses along your spine.
“Now, I’m gonna eat it out and make you taste how much of a slut you are.”
@hauntedfawnn @eerielamb @songbirdmunson @loserboysandlithium
#kitten writes 🩷#gojo x you#gojo x y/n#jujutsu gojo#gojo smut#gojo x reader#gojo satoru#jjk gojo#gojo saturo#gojou satoru x reader#jujitsu kaisen#jujustsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu satoru#jujutsu kaisen
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Will be actually watching RWBY instead of just keeping tabs on it 'cause I need a new personality for the foreseeable future.
Thoughts on the first trailers ahead...
- "Summer Rose: Thus Kindly I Scatter." That's a nice thing to have on one's memorial stone. Especially if you get cremated. Or in this case, can turn into flowers am guessing.
Red (Riding Hood):
- I too want to disappear in a flurry of roses.
- The lyrics of the song playing here give glimpses of Weiss, Blake and Yang... "White is cold and always yearning, burdened by a royal test. Black the beast descends from shadows. Yellow beauty burns... gold." NOICE!!!
- Blood turning into rose petals is a nice touch.
- The music here is making me want to go on a medieval adventure.
- The fuck. A gun that can turn into a scythe too?! 🤯❤️🔥👏🏻
- Ruby killing wolves when she is supposed to be inspired from Little Red Riding Hood makes me happy.
- Holy hell. Badass two-in-one weapon being wielded badassedly.
- The background score used had such a haunting quality to it. Much kudos to the people behind the piece.
White (Snow):
- I love that it starts with a quote. And a good one at that. Gods, am already falling.
- The Schnee are in total three siblings, if I remember right. When Weiss is singing, it begins with one shadow. Then two. Followed by there being three lights on her, and it gives the stage three folks beneath her own self. Am I reading too much into it?
- Weiss fighting a big knight-like figure. Snow White is delivered to the jungle by a soldier. Perhaps I am forcing the parallel, but I like it.
- The song in this one is giving me chills. Amazeballs.
- Okay, the fade to black got me for a second. I thought it would end here.
- Weiss really be regal elegance personified. Her fighting style is so put-together. That bitch-slap from the giant knight really drove it in.
- Her sword has colourful modes of varying prowess. Probably not queer coded but that won't stop me. ✨🌈💖
- The stepping bases Weiss makes out of thin air, are they snowflakes?! The designs on them look so intricate. WoWie.
- Huh. I thought the mark on her left eye was an injury bleeding. Apparently not. Whoa.
Black (And the Beast):
- This one also has a quote. Which makes sense 'cause she be very well read from what I have heard. I don't know why, but I think Yang's trailer won't have an opening line like this. Or if there is one, it would be something funny.
- The setting is extra beautiful here. Red trees. Ugh. Really does something for my brain.
- Oh my Gods. Blake turned to the guy and said okay and now I must protect her at all costs. Am sure she can do it herself, but still.
- Holy hell. The hilt of her sword can turn into a lasso gun?! Brilliant.
- So this is Adam. His katana-like weapon is the only thing I want of his. And maybe his shoes. And pants. And mask. And jacket without the embellishments. And shirt. And hair... Fuck. I will just kill him to get them all. 😤😈😶🌫️
- Already proving he don't deserve the good swag. The way he says he will set the charges... Doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. The crew members didn't do anything wrong. Thank you Blake for thinking of them.
- She looks to the side sadly and it makes me wonder if this isn't the first time such a conversation happened.
- Also, two different songs play for Blake's trailer. Both are awesome. And the second one feels like it's supposed to be for the Faunus species.
- Adam may look good, but the heart within is ghastly. That is why he is the beast who got left behind. YAYYYYYY!
Yellow (Goldilocks):
- Holy shite. Yang's quote hits the hardest for me somehow. I was so wrong and yet so happy about it.
- So this is the famous motorcycle am assuming. Coolio. It's making me want to learn how to ride a bike just so I could work this beauty. 🤩🤌🏻🫂
- Little umbrellas are one of the best things in life. I approve.
- "You can call me sir." And she has him follow through... Oh my Gods. I want to be her but since that's not possible, I want her to teach me her ways.
- Yang uses gauntlets for hand to hand combat which double as bullet shooters. And the way she reloads them... can she get any better?!
- Also, Junior is the bear. And is it just me or do Miltia and Melanie look like Ruby and Weiss wannabes?
- Yang's trailer is the culmination of all the songs used in the ones before, and then we hear hers... It's making me feel things.
- Super Saiyyan. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And her eyes turned red. Huh.
- Aye, we meet again. Ruby and Yang truly are siblings... "It's a long story." LoLLL! She will probably tell her what went down later. Keep the might of her legend alive.
The fight scenes are well-executed. The music is immaculate. The moon appears to be breaking into pieces. I am ready.
(Follow in the footsteps of my parents and refrain from spoiling me!
Also, someone should gift yours truly all of the weapons from this show. Pwease. And thank you.)
#RWBY#Ruby Rose#Weiss Schnee#Blake Belladonna#Yang Xiao Long#I have always wanted to do one of these!#Hope your day is as good as the trailers of RWBY!
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Let Me Help You
Synopsis - You try and build a bed frame by yourself, and it doesn't go as planned.
Category- hurt/comfort
Warnings- self-deprecating talk, insecurities, independence issues, you try and do something by yourself, and when it doesn't go your way you spiral, crude language, no use of gender terms, no use of Y/N
Notes- I tend to get too in my head when I'm trying to do something. I get it into my head that I should be able to do it on my own, but some things aren't meant to be handled alone. This is kind of a self-indulgent kinda thing, but if anyone else feels this way too, then this is for you.
Wordcount- 1,317
‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹
The room was sweltering with your frustration, your skin clammy with it. Tools and metal bars litter the floor around you. A crumpled instruction booklet mocked you from your lap.
It was all so confusing. Which tool went with what, where was beam 'A', and how the hell are the springs going to stretch over what you have so far.
Nothing of what you had accomplished over the hour and a half of struggling looked anything like the image on the box.
You were supposed to have the bedframe ready before König got back from the hardware store. You were supposed to show him how amazing you were with the frame put together, the mattresses stacked on top, complete with a made bed. It was supposed to be a surprise. A boost to your ego, a reason to boast about how you could do anything.
But it's been too long and you weren't even halfway done with the fucking frame yet.
The matte black metal of the set glared at you from the floor. A derision of the plan that had etched itself into your brain.
König would be home soon, and he'd find you struggling. He'd click his tongue and tell you to hand the tools over to him. Then you'd sit there, watching him effortlessly put together something that you struggled with.
And you'd feel stupid.
Useless.
He means well, you know this. You know there are no ill intentions behind his actions. It's just that, sometimes, you need to be able to do it yourself. To learn and figure out how to do it with your own hands and mind. Not watch someone do it for you.
So you take a deep breath and realign the Allen key with the bolt.
The awkward shape of the tool, plus the slick sweat coating your hands, will always be a recipe for disaster.
The tool slips.
And your thumb jams into the metal instead.
"Cock sucking mother fucker!"
Your nail had broken a straight line right across the nail bed. Your thumb throbbed, each beat of pain screaming at you.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
"Ugh! Why won't you work?!"
You scream at the Allen key. Maybe it was the bolt you were talking to. Or maybe you were just yelling at yourself.
With a quick glance at the clock, you deemed yourself doomed. That plan you set your mind to, every detail you imagined, ruined. Because you couldn't do one single thing.
In a fit of rage, you kick your leg out, slamming the bottom of your foot against the lopsided corner you had spent twenty minutes on.
The release was euphoric, a high only lasting a second before you were boiling over again. Electricity scattered across your skin, igniting a path deep in your chest to the tips of your toes.
Your one-track mind, so focused on completing the task, couldn't let you go. It wouldn't set you free or allow you the consciousness to think clearly.
You couldn't think of anything other than making progress.
You didn't hear the front door open and close over your irritated, aggressive growls and curses.
The bolt you were trying to undo was stuck, and you just had to sit there and laugh for a second. This was a situation you could control, so why does a small metal bolt make you feel so powerless.
Why do you feel so wrong?
Your skin feels too itchy and you were too aware of your sweat-soaked clothes sticking to your body. That stray piece of hair that refused to stay tucked behind your ear was tickling your neck, brushing against your flesh until you felt raw.
You didn't realize you were breathing so heavily until you hurled the Allen key across the room with a cry, your labored breaths echoing throughout the messy room.
Thunderous footsteps quickly approached, the walls of the house shuddering with their force. König was suddenly in the doorway, his gun drawn and aimed at you.
When he realized there was no threat, he quickly lowered it, looking left and right in case he missed an intruder. When he finally deemed the house safe, he clicked the safety on, dropped the gun, and kneeled infront of you.
"Meine Taube, I thought you were being attacked!" His voice was ragged, and there was an edge that you'd never heard before. "Why did you scream like that?"
There was a crazed look to his eyes as he gripped your shoulders. You couldn't speak, too far gone the helplessness to even think properly.
"Please talk to me, leibling. I can not stand it when you go silent."
"I couldn't get the bolt off."
You were beyond embarrassed.
How could you be so petulant as to throw a temper tantrum over such a little thing; such a controllable thing. You were an adult, you had a grown-up job and grown-up responsibilities. How could something like that set you off?
König sighed and plucked the Allen key off the floor where it rested far away from you. It took him a second the unstick the bolt. A mere twist of his wrist and it loosens.
You couldn't hold back the tears.
Why couldn't you do that?
Why couldn't you do that without screaming and crying in frustration?
Why are you so helpless, so useless.
A burden, that's what you are.
All you ever do is rely on people.
You'll eventually run them off, too exhausted to deal with you anymore.
Why had König stayed so long?
When will he leave?
"My love, why are you crying."
A shuddering sob of hatred and disgust wracks your body, curling your shoulders until you are a ball of indignation.
"Why am I like this?"
König pulls you into his lap, his warm hands tracing circles across your back.
"Please talk to me. I do not understand what's going on."
"I was trying to build the bed before you got home. I wanted to show that I could do it."
Embarrassment was too light a word for what you felt.
Shamed.
Humiliated.
Mortified.
You sink deeper into yourself, willing the petulant tears to dry up forever.
"Oh, Taube." König tucks you into his chest, rocking you back and forth. "It is okay to ask for help. You do not need to do everything on your own."
"But how can I say I can do something if I've never done it myself?" You choke on a sob. "How can I say I can do something if I act like a fucking child every time something goes wrong?"
König pulls away, keeping you at arm's length as he searches your eyes. His left hand cups your cheek, brushing away the fat tears that continue to drip.
"Do not be so harsh, you put too much pressure on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to take a deep breath, see, follow me."
He puts your hand on his chest and breathes deep. You try to match his breath but your inhales are shaky and your exhales are strained. He kept going until you could breathe until it didn't feel like the walls were closing in.
"You are too good for me, Kö."
"Nein, we all have our issues. You are not alone, so you don't have to do everything alone. Now, let me help you."
König hands you the Allen key and points to the next bolt. He gives you tips on how to hold it properly so you can unscrew the bolt on your own. The entire time the two of you were building the sleek frame, König didn't touch a tool. He only held the instruction book and guided you where you needed to be.
By the end of the day, you felt accomplished. No longer did you feel useless or embarrassed. Because you weren't alone.
It is okay to ask for help.
A/N-
Okayyyyyy, this may not be for everyone. This ended up being way too personal than I intended but for the off chance that someone goes through moments like these and needs the rep, I'll post it. Anyways, this can be taken both as a metaphor for mental health and not.
p.s- this may get deleted if it makes me look like an adult baby because this is a real experience. My emotions are hard to control.
#könig cod#könig call of duty#hurt/comfort#konig x you#konig x reader#no use of y/n#gender neutral reader
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Hazbin Hotel - Carnival Games
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/d35f0d0a128aac5f31207ee0bc07653c/5904a64148a2f707-1f/s540x810/3aa2d4ea4240efcbeecc1f961e67811116367fa0.jpg)
OKAY SO. Um... This was supposed to be apart of a special Valentines Day post later this week? But the rat that controls my brain started overclocking on its wheel and I ended up with an entire story, oops. So enjoy some rot I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
SUMMERY: Angel knew. He had heard it all before. Love always came with strings attached. An empty word held up by promises, dreams, and what-ifs. Like feelings themselves are a commodity. But when he feels it well up in his own chest, the spider cant help but give it to you freely. Without his web attached.
Contents/WARNINGS: Angel Dust/Reader; gender neutral reader; no use of y/n; Valentino mention; allusions to cheating, abuse, addictions, all that nasty stuff in the first couple paragraphs; reader gets sensory overload; reader is kinda a loser actually ⊙︿⊙'' Cavity inducing fluff under the cut ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
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Love, huh? Not really something the famous Angel Dust thought about. Especially in this industry. Oh yeah, he had heard all about love… And all the wicked ways it wrecked people. How it came into lives like a hurricane. How it swept people off their feet and was all highs and elation one moment, before it decided to leave just as quick as it came in. Taking their dignity, house, and whatever else it could, leaving people with nothing to their name but a feverish addiction. A violent itch that they didn't even have a second person to help them scratch anymore.
That's how many ended up in Valentino’s arms after all. And Angel had heard it all before. Quite possibly every single way you could say the word. But it always sounded like an excuse to him. An empty word full of promises and dreams that never actually amounted to anything. A word always held up high on a pedestal like it was something sacred, but only ever used to manipulate. A word means nothing if there isn't anything solid to back it up.
Angel was… pretty sure that same type of mindset was how he had ended up here. But to be perfectly honest, Angel doesn't… exactly remember what the initial point of this task was even was. Just that Charlie had dragged the entire hotel residency to a carnival for some type of “bonding exercise”. An exercise which was quickly thrown to the wayside as everyone scattered like rats into the bright lights and loud music to do their own thing. Leaving the poor Princess to figure out how in the world she was going to retrieve all of you.
Luckily, Angel had managed to keep track of you in the chaos. Gripping your hand in his and running you towards the game booths with the stupidest grin on his face. He was so excited!! He was practically vibrating. You two were going to absolutely decimate this place-
Only then did Angel Dust stop and realize just how overwhelmed you looked. You were like a deer in headlights. Not knowing where to look or what to focus on. Everything was just so loud and bright-
“Hey-ah, hun’?”
Angel Dust could see your eyes frantically darting about, your gaze getting completely lost in the noise. So he took your hand in two of his and crouched down in an attempt to block your field of vision. To make it easier for you to focus just on him. It seemed to work. Your anxious eyes meeting his worried ones. You squeezed his hands in a poor attempt to give him some kind of positive affirmation. But mostly you needed to feel his grip in yours. To ground yourself and not fully freak out.
“…you okay?”
You had to steady your breathing before you could focus on Angel’s words. But once that question hit, it hit like a brick. You suddenly felt like your face was on fire, burning from the sheer embarrassment. Embarrassment at the situation, made worse by the concerned attentiveness Angel was showing you.
But there was no hiding it now. “Yeah, I just-um…” And there was no way the spider was going to let you live this down. “…have never actually been to a carnival before…”
That. That was how this entire mess started.
It took him a second. A few, long seconds to fully register what you had said. But when he did, the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen shot across Angel’s face.
“Oh, hun’! I’d be honored to show you how to play at a carnival~ Let me show you how to wreck these stupid games-”
Unbeknownst to you, Angel had made it his sworn mission in that moment to win something from every single booth. Just to show that he could. And unbeknownst to you, you were going to be playing them all right beside him. You were dragged up and down every single corner and tent for hours in that place. Angel excitedly leading the way. Constantly checking behind to make sure you were there and grabbing for your hand when he was unsure you were going to make it to the next tent.
Angel had to have lived by a fair. He had to have been a carnie, or his sibling was, or something. At least, thats what you told yourself. Mostly because you needed a valid reason that Angel was crushing every single game while you couldn’t win a single thing. Every. Time. Angel would win a prize, if not the grand prize in two or three tries. All while you struggled and flailed like a fish tossed on the deck of a ship.
Strangely enough, it… didn't feel bad though. Yeah, the pity looks some of the carnies gave you made you want to die a second time, but Angel was having the time of his life. It had taken you ten minutes, ten minutes, to toss a golf-ball into a fishbowl. All while Angel had nearly laughed himself to the point of puking at your anguish. You were honestly surprised he still had a voice at all at this point.
But when you did it, you were so elated that you had actually did it. That you had won something. You rushed to Angel to show off the small keychain you had won while his many arms were full of his winnings. Angel simply looked at your proud face with pure adoration through his tear fogged eyes. Affectionately ruffling your hair, before managing to rasp out between chuckles, “Great job, hun’. I love ya’.”
Angel just… felt it in that moment. He silently accepted that he had laughed himself completely stupid at your utter failure of every game you played that night. He was very familiar with the feelings of euphoria. But less so when it was naturally occurring like it was then.
Your already sparkling eyes shone like stars at that moment. You were absolutely radiant; and Angel Dust felt like his face was in agony from how wide he was now smiling. Paired with the continued strain of his laughter.
Your eyes had that light to them for the rest of the night. Despite how much money, tickets, or balls you wasted on your cursed carnival gaming experience. All while Angel Dust bore his grin and wheezed out whatever laughter his vocal cords could still manage. It was strange. Being happy with no strings attached. Happy just because someone else was. If thats what love actually was; Angel was glad he got to experience it once.
But for now, Angel couldn't wait until you both got back to the hotel. So he can put all this stuff in your room and watch as you realize that he had won these prizes for you.
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LINKS AND FURTHER READING ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡
My Masterlist for my Other Work: >>HERE<<
AO3 Archive Link: >>HERE<<
I...apperientally need to read more Angel Dust content. So here are some smaller, assorted things which include him:
Post by @voxsremotec0ck about how the Hazbin characters react to you giving them a nice, polite smile and wave >>HERE<<
Post by @writteninlunarlight-years about what some of the Hazbin character's ideal s/o would be like and what attracts them to someone >>HERE<<
I KNOW. This is technically a deactivated account but I really love this dumb post about being roommates with the different Hazbin characters. You can find an archive of it over >>HERE<<
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel x reader#hazbin angel dust#hazbin#hazbin angel dust x reader#hazbin angel dust fluff#hazbin hotel angel dust#hazbin hotel x you#hazbin hotel angel dust fluff#hazbin hotel angel dust x reader#angel dust#angel dust fluff#angel dust x reader#angel dust hazbin#angel dust hazbin fluff#angel dust hazbin x reader#angel dust hazbin hotel#angel dust hazbin hotel fluff#angel dust x reader fluff#hazbin x reader#hazbin hotel x reader fluff#hazbin x reader fluff
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Coding woes (Patreon)
#Doodles#Original#Ukadevlog#Bug testing sure is something lol#These are both problems I've figured out now luckily! And I did them on my own! :D Extra pleased with myself :3#My slightly cocky attitude of ''Well that was frustrating - luckily I'll never run into another problem again'' amuses me lol#'Cause in the moment everything's flying! The code comes together lovely and it's all great! And then I come up to the next thing#Something I haven't done before - something that there's no Direct how-to of how to do a thing#Like setting player-and-character pronouns! I didn't know how to do that! But I figured it out!! :0 What a rush haha#It really did take me an evening of knocking my head against the wall in attempts - I waaaayyy overcomplicated it to start haha#I was like - trying to set up a system that would call on specific pronoun sets individually based on player input#Ridiculous - so much easier to just slap some values into an envelope and have those tied to a specific shell lol#But that took all night! I got sleepy while working on it and even my drowsy brain was like Wait...what am I supposed to check against? Haha#Such a weird experience subconsciously as well :0 'Cause I had normal dreams that night#Maybe some slight code-adjacent dreams of A Screen With Text On It but that could be anything :P#Most of it was just normal dream melodrama - but in the few times I woke up to readjust or roll over or pull my blanket#It was juuuuust enough for my ''conscious'' brain to kick in and think about what to compare against - what structure would work#And so by the time I woke up proper I had to frantically write down a bunch of code in a spare word document so I wouldn't go stir crazy lol#Breakfast must wait! Dailies must wait! I Have to write this down!!#And when I implemented it - it worked exactly as I hoped it would and is much much Muuuuuch simpler to call upon haha#Wow! That was a weird fluke that definitely won't happen again! Haha#I don't actually believe that I just have no way of guessing which aspect will trip me up - This Should Be Easy! And then it isn't lol#Definitely didn't predict the second - Especially because other than a small roadbump of not knowing how to Shell-Switch (ty again Cherry ♥)#Everything up to then was going well and everything after that was going fine! Until The One Thing happened pffbtl#I wanted to assign a value to check if a specific piece of code was being called upon - basically a fork between two outcomes#That went fine! The value Was changing! But only the first fork was being called???#No lol I just didn't put the second = ugh pft - and what's more frustrating is that I'd been using == up to that point!! I'd been warned!!!!#I - for some reason - was convinced that using && would make the value check Only need to check If x = 1... That's not how it works......#It's an If statement! If x = 1 then why do I have to check IF x == 1! Just check!!! Hwagh rules and whatnot lol#Like I said it's all fixed now but sheesh! What a silly mistake! I knew better!! And now I double know better haha
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for so long all I wanted to do was die but now that I'm older, all I worry about is dying too soon. too soon to experience all the things I didn't give myself time for when I was young. I don't want to spend these years overthinking what time I have left
#[static]#wild how the brain shifts#i want to live i want to experience everything i can and i never thought i'd make it this long#my brain has done a 180 and it's always on the back of my mind (and sometimes the front) that i could die in the blink of an eye#im not scared of death but i am scared of not having lived#my ptsd/ocd combo has been pummeling me lately and i feel like im sometimes at a breakthrough where ive figured out a way-#-to stop being scared ... to just allow myself to live without the what ifs.#i do it in practice but the reality is that no matter how nonchallant and down to earth I appear in real life-#-my brain is picking apart the resolve i've carefully put together for myself#it's like constantly picking at a wound that's begun to heal and i cant get myself to stop#it's Exhausting having to continuously catch ones self from falling further back down the hole your younger self dug#im finally living as the person i always wanted to be and nothing can take that from me even if it were to all come crashing down tomorrow#but im still not used to the stability so that's why my brain does what it does best#what's three or four years of stability to decades of being in fight or flight ... it will take time and it's hard work#but i know with time it will be worth it and i wont remember the dread in the back of my skull every time i experience happiness#i'll just remember the days as they were ... and they are wonderful#just needed to vent for a moment! mental health is such a surly thing
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Getting off my ass and downloading my favorite fics to put on a jump drive I bought with a fuck tonne more storage than the two I already had from when I was in school and, wow, this is actually so much easier than the rest of the stuff I’ve been downloading for various reasons (articles on stuff I want to have around but worry might be impacted by this new presidency). You just pick pdf (or whatever you like) and bam! It’s right there in your downloads ready to be stashed away, no annoying nitpicking where I have to delete stuff I don’t need in the document or huge blank spaces, it’s just ready! Like, listen. I love “print friendly and pdf” Firefox extension, but I always have to end up deleting some stuff that is just taking up space. It does its job! It’s just not going to be neat and tidy when the website doesn’t intend for you to do this. Archive of our own does that whole thing of making a pdf themselves! This is going to go so much faster than the other stuff I’ve been downloading as pdfs
Anyway, I love you as well Smithsonian magazine website for not only being free, but also just having that extension on all your articles! That’s actually how I found it in the first place. Before that I was copy pasting every paragraph into a pages document and it was way more tedious.
#emma posts#I feel like an old woman who figured out how to use her email#more and more every day#I am not bad at computers while also being bad at computers#I’m getting sidetracked here though#I really just keep developing tricks to solve my computer problems but then there’s an easy solution that I just don’t know about#like that Firefox extension#am I good or bad with computers? I think a secret third thing#I’ll think I’m bad with them and then I’ll see someone who is just straight up terrible with them and I’m like#‘well. im not great. but im also not that’#I won’t ever be able to download every fic I want to read#I’m sorting through my bookmarks to take what I think I should grab. but I have so much in the ‘want to read’ thing#I don’t know if my jump drive could pull that and all my non fanfiction off#I really haven’t purchased a jump drive in awhile though#I saw the storage on one of the first to come up and was like ‘holy shit!’#girlie has not purchased one since 2015 okay#I really hope I just end up doing this and then it turns out I didn’t need to#but if I didn’t do it and it turns out I needed it…#no. wouldn’t want that#I need sleep. I just started laughing at the thought of having illicit Wikipedia articles on a jump drive like some heinous shit#but it’s literally just an article about the history behind Yule or something#forbidden out of Africa Wikipedia article PDF#I don’t know what kind of stuff falls under the stuff in that project 2025#they have brains that work in ways I don’t understand#you know some of them would be like ‘you have to take down your article about ice age humans because creationism real I guess’#‘how dare you have information on the history of religion?!’ scandalous#and I know I can never afford to buy books on every single one of those things#but science magazines and Wikipedia articles? sure#I’m getting really sidetracked but this is making me feel like I can do something#it’s giving me some sense of control and distraction and if I don’t have those things to channel this energy I’ll just get worse
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once again i am on the playlist lol
#just me hi#my strange brain concoctions back at it again lmfsh#i've been workin on it by bits and bits for the past 2-3ish days and i think i've almost got what i mean hfvbs#yea... mnmnm...#//outta the Lagoons into the Blues !! what a transition hkfshv#i mean i Have found that i actually really really like the shampoo we've been using for like 5 years hghfsv#but also i've had to switch from that one to a different one anyway cuz my hair? is grezy ghfbshv#it Is soft now though which is cool :D cuz the old soap didn't get it quite well and i was using dish soap sometimes to strip it so Lmao#which btw the dish soap worked p well. however it Did feel stripped kgfhsv#/what else what else uuum#i've developed more world stuff for pi.e which is also very epic and neat ; like the 3 Cities + radiation towns + Sanctuary cities +#Sanctuary zones + how they interact w/ each other lol :)#i have these weird lil creatures that i'm calling Rascals rn but i think they need a different name pfshv#and also cuz i made the general world bigger that means i have defined more of the plot just by. scribbling some points for towns on paper#yea :D this thing is maybe just a little bit daunting but i'll prolly get it figured out lol ; roman 3#/oh i Do really wanna draw more pi.e stuff to post hfh :>#cuz despite it all i am still v shy abt my stuff and that's kinda silly so !!#/sometimes my brain gets into these weird paper jams where i'm doing one thing but then i see and wanna do another thing (easy transition ?#but then i see another thing and then another and now i have 4 different things and i feel bad just focusing on just one because. ??? ????#when i was little i used to humanize objects Just before they were thrown away and i think that sort of carried over in a weird way bfhsvgj#balance in all things !! wait no not like that w-#//oh wait wait did i ever mention i learned to make stir fried rice w/ egg#prolly not that big of a deal but i'm STILL happy abt that lol :D#maybe especially cuz i was doing most of the cooking while my picky-cook brother was helping and he thought it was good so like YAY#though tried to make it a second time and i let my ma put the salt in the pot and she oversalted it by Far TwT#it was fine though just really salty lol :)#//mnm also getting into classic vehicles a lil bit#just a bit! cuz i don't know where to start and i just really like that one bike i doodled a bit ago#also i'm a bit spooked that my dad will find out and he is Overwhelming when he finds you might like smth he knows smth abt gfvsgh <3#//Oh i'm outta tag space pfshgv - Toodlesssss ciao :3
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dear tumblr tonight i dreamed an elaborate shadowgast au
#aspen tag#okay. pan in on caleb caught by. something. some force.#they take him to a facility they take his belongings his spellbook his magic his frumkin#in the facility theyre being taught. something. supposedly for research but its purposeless work#but caleb smuggled a leeetle notebook in. and he's been piecing things together#and he figures out whatever testing they're doing here has to do with magic#and he gets frumpkin back in a way and uses him to sneak around#and he gets a glimpse of what they're doing in the parts of the building no one sees. a strange magic he's never seen before#all advised by a stranger individual. clearly an outsider. they value his information but not him. intriguing#flash forward an amount of time#Something has happened. climax of the story. caleb is being threatened (?) by one of the handlers#this happens outside. for some reason#and he casts some gravity shit. having learned from observation. and the building starts rising from the ground#and theyre like hey what the fuck. you shouldn't even know what that is.#so they take him to essek. and essek is like you're. what. how. and caleb is like i'll talk if you'll talk#and caleb has kept notes. of every single magical effect cast in his proximity over his stay#which is valued information or something? and it comes out#that they are working on weaponizing dumanis like bombs. and also its like radiation?#and so all the prisoners that are just there for Reasons are to watch what prolonged passive exposure does#and something something essek had dreams of what he could do and here he is making more ways to kill people faster and better#and he hates it. not because its like cruel or whatever he's just bored. hes wasted here. and caleb sees his chance to escape#and they run away together and they don't save anyone else and their relationship is an beautiful horrible mix#of mutual fascination + dependency + i need to pick your brain and ill manipulate as much as i need to to make that happen#its not a happy ending its just an ending where theyre together about it#they dont fix anything they don't save anyone they didn't change anything. and i think thats beautiful#tada. thats my deam#it was also mostly told from caleb at the end of the day lying in the dark going over what he knows#but that was just bc i could feel my blankets around me#okay im going to go make breakfast now goodbye forever
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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reblogs off bc i dont want to start Conversations based on other peoples posts but re the whole "who is in control you or the character" question, i find it SO interesting because it's by letting myself discovery write that I (for me personally disclaimer) found the perfect balance between intuition and intention. which to preface "intution" is the easiest way to describe how the inside of my writers brain feels bc often i just get vivid characters/stories/images/scenes with little control at first and i have to figure out what they mean. anyway discovery writing is what works for my brain to make intentional decisions because i need to be amidst a draft to get the Story Cogs working, whenever i try to outline before a draft it's always been just throwing things at a wall bc it feels too far away, but because im also using the discovery element to do that it's like. that's where i think the whole i feel like my characters reveal themselves to me comes from. because im always discovering small bits about them even if i've written them for years just but because discovery writing is also what prompts me to be intentional about writing as i write something it's like both are happening at the same time. so the whole "who's in control" it's like...i don't think control is the right word for me at all because its not Me or the Character it's me trying to understand the character to understand + then write my intentions. like neither me or the character are in the drivers seat because there's no car we are in the middle of the story forest and at first i won't know what it means at all except that it is a Story. and my character will start going one way and sometimes i'll follow and pay attention to where they're taking me to figure out if this is the right path/where to go next. and sometimes i'll figure out how to read the compass first and realise i need to drag their ass in another direction
#anyway i just thought this was interesting because i used to think i needed to outline to be intentional/in control of my story#but outlines are too distant for me to feel like im in control so thats why theyre more organisational than creative for me#whilst we're infodumping on process i also dont like the whole are characters Like Real People or just Story Tools#like yes my characters are tools for the story just like how the story is a tool for demonstrating my characters#like again i dont think its one or the other for me#but i treat them as very 'real' (which this can be another tangent in itself) and intuitive is the best way to describe how i process them#but that doesnt mean there isnt intention and control you know#like the reason i describe my characters and stories as 'real' to me is simply bc they are very vivid in my brain#and that vividness often expands the bounds of the story#i want to go on the 'real' tangent the weight of that word one day#i think this makes sense if u know that for me i rarely get 'ideas' i get images#and characters/relationships#and i have to figure out what that means as a story#also no i dont think you need 'intuition' bc thats just the word i use for myself but i do think you need to understand#how intention works w your writing process and what it means for you to be intentional and what helps you be intentional#and sometimes that will be not considering any form of 'intuition' at all#beloved writeblrs i think i need to launch the dallonwrites substack i cant be doing these tag essays anymore!! i need to expand!!! someone#give me a podcast
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I wanted to make a cleaner summary of last week's classes and also review the classes I have this week since the material is already uploaded beforehand but I was feeling so horrible throughout the day that when I sat down I was just gonna look at the ones for tomorrow but I think I'm just gonna go to bed because I just gave my little numbers game a few tries and not even the joy of tribial elementary school-level math games is bringing my brain cells and/or full sentience back
#diary#accessing it through the CMD thing and not just running it from the IDE made me realize a few things about it though so I'll hav#I'll have to maybe jot them down somewhere when I'd normally just be rly excited and try to fix them straight away like I am truly fucked r#I do wanna make an eng version of it sometime soon so I can share it even tho it's literally the simplest little thing. it's fun if you're#an easily amused nerd that loves playing with numbers in a truly useless manner. if that makes sense#also very obviously text-only I am NOT torturing myself with any graphics of ANY kind rn#it closes immediatly as they do and also when it comes to having double/triple digit starting numbers it becomes a lot less fun I think tho#though I haven't used it much with those yet#I still wanna figure out a way of making it better when it comes to 2/3 digit starters. and my original idea included maybe keeping track#keeping track of how many steps you took even between different rounds but I made the simplest version for now. I also think making like a#''this was the least amount of steps possible!'' type thing would be very very cool but that is FAR too big brained for me rn#cause I can figure out how to do the record keeping thing but that last one is like. let's stop talking for a little while.................#oh but adding an actual interface sounds so fun even though I have very little clue on how to do that rn I could probably STOP typing becau#because I can feel my stupid ass self start getting excited about this which will make it so I start working on it instead of going to bed#NO. DOWN !!!!!!!!!!!!!! auhgh............ oh man I had a lame joke to make but I completely forgot what it was#I have coding class tomorrow in which I normally just do the exercises as fast as possible before playing around but the only Python editor#I could find installed on the school computers was Visual Studio Code and I have no clue how to use that shit like I don't need so many#so many buttons. probz. OKAY GOODNIGHT
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Photos...
#sighghhgggghhhhhhh#complicated feelings about long dead hobbies#idk that i have the mind for this anymore#ive been uninspired for so long idk how to look for inspiration#i need to figure out how to make my brain work the way it used to#tall order
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Chronic pain really got me going to bed before it’s even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)
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#my back and shoulder are killing me and I’ve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad#so I’m gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow#I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that#I’m excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever#out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it#down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired#5) period tired and chronic pain tired#like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did#nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours that’s itttttt#like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work#like I’m already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind#gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the#heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle#my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe there’s somewhere I want to live that has#an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe that’s an added way for me to figure out where I want to#move#hmmm okay I’m gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and I’m just gonna daydream and try to fall#asleep and I’ll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo#going to think about the future because I want to live !!!!#anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother#and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until I’m back to smoking constantly to the point where I’m making myself sick and#then I’ll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and that’ll lead me into saving money again#or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed#either way I’m going to smoke all summer it’s gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it#it’s gonna suck and I’m gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and it’ll be depressing and isolating and lonely and I’ll come out of#the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am#and then I’ll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression.#I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a#bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like#weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible
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#tag talk#watching media not in English is honestly so fun. my brain loves trying to pick out sentence structure and individual words#as someone who was obsessed with writing and learning codes as a kid it's unsurprising#I've realized that I very well could finally become multilingual and it's a really exciting thought#I just wish language learning apps didn't suck so much. I very well might have to start keeping a notebook for vocabulary#but I've been watching Puerta 7 and listening exclusively to music in Spanish for about the past week#and next year my brother and I are gonna take Spanish together at the community college once we move#cause he wants to travel internationally and maybe live abroad so language learning would be super useful#he's not as good with language as I am but that'll just mean I get to help him with it#anyway. I think I'm gonna dig out a notebook and start planning how I'm gonna do this#I really really wanna get good enough to read books and articles in Spanish. cause reading is cool and great and builds vocab#I think this is only possible now that I've been medicated for a while.#like. I wish I could have done this years ago but I accept the fact that I've been on a journey#and chasing your dreams is only possible once you're in a position to do so. my brain was too fucked before.#so external motivation was the only way I could make progress. whereas now I have the ability to internally motivate.#I can do dishes. clean my room. fold laundry. make food. and finally learn a language in my own way.#I wish language learning apps didn't fucking suck so doggamn much. they're really the worst. even as a kid I hated Rosetta Stone.#I needed to find my own way to learn and I'm still figuring it out but I will. I know I will.#I will be successful and I will chase the things I love in life and even if things go wrong I will work to improve my life#and part of that self actualization is learning the language I've grown up with and yet never learned. and then I can learn other languages#because I genuinely wanna learn a lot of languages. hell I taught myself a little bit of spoken elvish as a kid. it's in my blood I guess.#being monolingual is genuinely distressing for me tbh.#shit I should ask my sibling for book recommendations and I can buy something to start pulling vocabulary from.#for now I can pull words from songs or tv. that's a good starting point. even if I prefer the aesthetic of studying a book#except first I'm gonna fold my laundry and change my bedsheets#bye y'all
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