#i need to eat. and maybe sleep.
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they should invent a life that doesnt kill itself within me.
#ok mental illness talk ig. =w=b#i am so tired.#i would. like to live life normally#i dont. want to leave class early. i want to stay and focus and be normal about it#i dont want to be so. extremely. exhausted by cycling less then 10 minutes.#i want to do usefull stuff! i dont want to rot in bed all day.#and i know. i KNOW. that i am already doing very well. i am.#but the fact that there are still struggles? struggles ive. been stuck with forever.#its. hard.#i need to forgive myself. but. if everything was perfect i could be SO. much. better.#sillyposting#hm.#im tired.#i need to eat. and maybe sleep.#and i should. forget about schoolwork i need to do.#(guy who is almost crying in public and. cant live a normal life. thinks he still needs to focus on school.)#honestly tbf school is the main exhaust.#i was doing so well.#lets hope next semester wont get as bad as this.#i just. dont want to give up on it. despite the horrors its causing me directly.#i cant. be a failure. i have to push through. surely if i push through things will get quiet later.#hm#i want to get home already.
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the grassy gnoll had me thinking about a mossy rock … mossy .. statue?
so here is a gargoyle i’ve doodled up. he’s my son
#art#ID in alt text#fantasy art#fantasy character design#umm not gonna tag this dnd because technically it isn’t but#i had the thought to maybe play this fellow and use the warforged race for the function#they’re an animated statue who doesn’t sleep or eat or anything#they were born yesterday so everyone needs to be nice to them
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literally please give Battison a Dick Grayson in the Batman Part II.
The first movie was about Bruce's journey from not wanting to be Bruce Wayne, to realizing that he does in fact need to be Bruce Wayne, and that Bruce Wayne can be a force used for good just like Batman. Logically then, the second movie should explore the next immediate question on the table: okay, he needs to be Bruce Wayne. So who is Bruce Wayne? What kind of man is Bruce Wayne going to be? Bruce still feels defined by his trauma of his parent's death. Bruce Wayne still feels defined by his parents' shadows, by his father's legacy. He still feels defined by his grief. How does he make Bruce Wayne be something different?
Dick Grayson would serve as the PERFECT device for Bruce to discover who he can be. Because Dick Grayson is literally just a young Bruce, and Bruce sees that instantly (it's why he takes him in in the first place). So throughout the movie, as Bruce tries to help Dick process his grief, he's inadvertently processing his OWN grief. Dick Grayson unknowingly helps Bruce process his own trauma, and through their developing relationship shows him that Bruce Wayne can be more than a recluse, a failure, a man drowning in his own head- he can be a protector, a friend, a parent.
When Dick points a gun at Tony Zucco's head, Bruce talks him down, and all the words that he gives him are words he had wanted when he was a kid and his grief was fresh. Even though they're gone, you're not alone. I understand.
BATTISON NEEDS DICK GRAYSON TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP OF HIS CHARACTER GROWTH.
#robert pattison plays grieved and traumatized and miserable and intense and earnest so well.#you CANNOT tell me that he wouldn't absolutely slay the “talking dick down from killing zucco” scene#it'd be like the hospital scene with alfred but times a million#he'd play the perfect reaction to the grayson's deaths too#sprinting to dick and bodily trying to get him to turn away and not look#holding him tightly as dick dissolves into hysterics#the wet cat man steps up and learns how to take care of someone#and learning how to take care of someone else teaches him at the same time how to take care of himself#bruce's functionality and mental health improves when he takes in this kid#making sure that dick is eating enough leads to him starting to eat more#(partly bc alfred gently guilts him into it by saying he needs to set a good example for his ward)#supervising dick's sleeping habits puts a new perspective on his own sleeping habits#and he's like huh maybe I SHOULD get those five hours of sleep if I want to keep up with dick's energy tomorrow#and ofc when dick has nightmares and comes to find him he inevitably falls asleep on top of bruce#so he has to skip to patrol that night#dc#dc comics#dick grayson#batfam#batman#nightwing#batfamily#bruce wayne#dc robin#robin dc#batman and robin#the batman#the batman 2022#battison
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haha I'll never finish this
but hewwo new followers <3
#star wars#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch fanart#but the idea is cool so have this bleurg#today I broke a teeth and I don't know how#got an appointment but not before a week#it's annoying to eat 'cause the sensation is weird#maybe it will motivate me to lose weight tho#so I could finally pass this threshold of 2 pull ups in a row to 3#and finally go to the gym without my emotional support elastic bands#do strength training with your own bodyweight they say#it will be cheap they said#yeah guess what it's hard when you're afab lol#in the meantime doing legs is easy but eeeh no one do squat competition in party#it's always “hey look how much pull ups I can do”#gnagnagna#hey people who read my tags comment which clone would win a pull up competition if you read this#ok I need to sleep#bye
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#snake#snakes#pets#hognoses#hognose#sakura#sakura kurīmu#this was shortly after she joined our family and was still in her baby bin#she wanted a friend so bad she befriended the camera#this poor poor lonely noodle#it was not long after she and scoria were allowed to meet and then refused to be separated#they go in their own little sleeping hides at night#but they both get very upset if the other is away for long#they'll watch me holding the other#and sakura has a conniption if I take her sister out of the room to play in another area#they absolutely need each other#The way she initially attempted to bond with the camera reminded me of Harry Harlow's monkey experiment with surrogate monkeys#it is INCREDIBLY sad that these animals desperately wanted love and affection SO BADLY they turned to the closest they could find#which were inanimate objects that couldn't really love them back but it was better than nothing#that can't have been good for their psychological development for so so many reasons#but now that Sakura has the love and support of her sibling Scoria I don't ever intend to separate them so long as adult hormonal changes#don't suddenly make them go to sweet with each other to aggressive#again I think the agression or at least eating of smaller males comes from psychological issues not the species seeking out and eating them#like king snakes intentionally do#at least with girls I do not have experience with boys#but maybe someone with a strong understanding of snakes and their psychology and body language might pick up where I cannot examine such#once again my tags are longer than the post itself lol
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there might be a spider somewhere and that’s enough for me to be paranoid
#HOME INVASIONS GOT MY BROTHERS DYING/ref#I don’t think ppl understand me when I say I’m paranoid#I cant go to sleep in my room. I can’t sit down. I can’t eat. I can’t pick up anything. I can’t move. I cry.#I need to be in an open space in case I feel like running. I can’t be near my bed. I can’t open or close doors.#I dont even feel safe when I’m not moving but I also don’t feel safe when I’m moving and ceilings scare me#I’m actually so scared as I write this bc I’m sitting down at my desk trying to eat but what if the spider is under my desk or on my chair#Or literally anywhere possible. Maybe it’s behind my pc or iPad. Or on the shelves. It could be anywhere close to me.#This is the typa behaviour I be showing and my parents still don’t take me to the psychologist man#My ma doesn’t believe in phobias or mental illness#Jesus Christ this is all because of a spider that was in my bathroom this morning#Also I’m eating spaghetti with cheese for the first time
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not enough people talk about "dont turn the lights off" ngl. this song + the daycare theme song have been ON LOOP for me. on loop while i draw. on loop while i do chores and cook. on loop while i work. on loop if i need to concentrate on something- no ANYTHING. it's such a comfort to me. this song has a DEATH GRIP on me. WHIMSY UNMATCHED. you don't understand how much this song fuels me to keep creating DCA content for myself ohhh my god.
"lights on" doesn't even compare for me (WHICH OFC i like the song + with the recent release of "best friend" im still giddy)
which, i feel the need to add, this song is pivotal for my motivation to write EBY (wip dca fic im working on rn). like idk i feel invincible when this song plays ig lmao.
#pingyappathon#i eat sleep and breathe DCA rn#i just want someone to get me like srsly understand how deep this hyperfixation is and how important DCA is to me#i need to sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs#it's just THAT good u dont understand#or maybe you do#do you?#please tell me you do cause im GONNA LOSE IT. its so lonely out here#shaking yall rn cause am i missing something like did i miss the excitement that came and went??#i just dont understand why it's not talked about as much cuz i genuinely think it's a BANGER? pls guys its soooo good!!#like the happiness i get from listening to it and the stims are unrivaled my goshgaj#literally its been in my spotify rotation for about 3 months straight :sob:#unless if im totally wrong and we're silently appreciating this masterpiece because guys I NEED TO YAP AB IT. LOUDLY. OBNOXIOUSLY.#ive wanted to make an animatic with it for SOOOO long too AGH#dca fandom#fnaf daycare attendant#fnaf dca#fnaf sb#Spotify#that or play it on my uke one of these days even if my singing isn't that great (im havin fun lol)
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The cape wrapping was too much for me I have to leave
#silver sending stones#cr spoilers#cr 3 e 108#orym of the air ashari#dorian storm#he probably watched the loom and was like “this is what i signed up for. forever.”#dorym#i do not know how to feel#because this came at the end of such a harsh moment from orym?#he killed fearnes dad which will eat him alive for the rest of his life#he just yelled at everyone because theyre still not understanding that the gods leaving is not going to leave exandria as it was.#he is literally so spent.#hes so tired#and so guilty#(oh i have to update my list of things orym blames hinself for)#and as hes yelling. as hes pleading with his friends to see the calamity that will happen if the gods are gone.#he floats over to dorian.#arguably his biggest opposition#and when hes done. when hes tired himself out. he leans on dorian.#he leans on dorian probably with no expectations of reciprocation. he just. needs dorian in that moment.#and dorian. who has been fighting to get rid of the gods since they took opal and killed hia brother. who wants them gone more than anything#wraps orym in his cloak. a protective wing around him. a warm. same place for him to lean. to rest. even running his hands through his hair.#they have been fighting since dorian came back. theyve been on the opposite sides of each discussion. each argument. and yet#orym still finds comfort in dorian. and dorians still affectionate towards orym.#id like to believe they slept in the same bed that night. after weeks of... finding reasons not to.#theyre clean and newly dry and slightly cold and maybe Orym finds a bed and curls up alone because fearne isnt there. but she hasnt been#for a while. and he doesnt take up the whole bed. he cant. but he doesnt expect someone to join him.#and then when the lights are off and the crickets are chirping and the faint screaming of a new bush to lull him to sleep. his door opens.#he doesnt get up because he knows hes safe in the manor. despite how scary it is. hes fearnes friend and has a deal with nana.#so he doesnt move. he feels cool. soft skin on his back and arms wrapping around him. to protect him. to comfort him
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these are A BIT OLD but uhhh here check out these aggio doodles i did forever ago. still VERY happy w my colors :3
#this was back in uhhhh jan 2023!! hot dog!! and its still perfeclty good to eat!#i think kian and chip would get along. they could talk about feelings. kian could give chip the therapy he needs. maybe kiss? who said that#jay and rand could also get along i think. smoke buddies. cigarette fans. i bet they could play dnd together. or build a contraption togeth#also WAUHG the way i colored in kira here is SO PERFECT.. SHES SO SPARKLY N PRETTY. ALSO THAT HOOORNN i remember bleeding for that#shading is HARD lighting is HARD drawing a crazy unicorn is HARD but SOOOO WORTH IT I SITLL LOVE HOW IT LOOKES.....#waht else is there. oh yes the prime defender doodles#i love mark so much.... i miss being crazy and strange abt mark winters... i need to draw him killing more people someday#anyway i gotta go to bed soon to keep my sleep schedul on track but I DONT WAANNA!!!! recently relistened to bitb. that might release spore#im also chippin away at that am i in heaven animatic between workin on commissions. I GOT RLY FAR!! i think that i could finish it within#like. 3 or 4 more inspo waves. it wont be unfinished forevcer..... its so close... just 4 more full scenes to rly fleshh out#so basically another 2 years. YEAH BABy. in the meantime i have a backlog of things i can poast. i got plenty o drawings and doodles to sha#alrigh thats all the ramblin im gonna do for now. sleep well everyone hope shool or work goes easy on u in the coming week
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I'm stuck in that back and forth again about quitting my PhD program. It would alleviate a lot of stress to not have to worry about it anymore, but at the same time, quitting the program would be yet another thing that chronic illness and disability have taken from me and I don't know if I can emotionally handle that. I already deal with so much envy of people who have finished their PhDs and who were good grad students (publishing articles, getting research grants, teaching, etc.) and I feel like I would never be able to look at anything about a doctoral degree without feeling immense grief that my health didn't let me finish mine. I don't know. I'm sad. My life is already so small.
#anecdotes by peachdoxie#god i need someone to help me stick to a sleep and eating a hygiene schedule#because then maybe I'd be able to drag myself out of this shithole I'm stuck in#but I don't know if I'll ever get the help i need to actually LIVE a life approaching the one i want to#anyway I'm clearly spiraling and definitely need to go eat something before it gets worse
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hyunjin on bubble: im drawing and i started wondering why i even draw. so i can’t sleep.. staying in that period of transition. the reason why i keep asking these questions and trying to find answers is, i think it’s because i believe that it’s only those who love me, that can help me find an answer or a path. because thinking about and questioning things that you don’t really need to think about and answering those questions is contradicting in itself.. is what i think? (translation source)
#hyunjin#🧼#skz#my baby.. ☹️ four am thoughts eating him hard..#hope he can get some of the bestest sleep of his life after pondering and wondering like this#mentally patting his brain like buddy u work really hard now rest for a bit#also to answer to his first question of#why he’s even drawing. i think art runs in your veins and it just needs a creative outlet to get out and shine.#maybe that’s one of the many reasons..#maybe u find comfort in the beauty of the canvas and brush strokes.#maybe u want to make people happy and warm with your creations
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Hiiiiiii!!!!! So been a minute since I've felt comfortable enough in my own skin to post a photo of myself.
A little before and aftsr post
I had tried to get nice and full and round for you all, what do you think?
#trans feedee#mtf feedee#transfem feedee#tgirl tummy#fat tgirl#tgirl tummy tuesday#cute belly#stuffed feedee#oof my stomach hurts#I need to feel like this every night#stuffed to the brim#maybe a little intoxicated#only to wake up#eat until it hurts and sleep#over and over and over and over
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You know what? I really wanna eat a sandwich with Vessel. We don't even have to talk or anything like.
I just want to sit at a table across him, get a few Capri Suns, a bag of crisps torn open between us, a nice sandwich each, and just eat in silence.
🧃😐🥪 🍟 🧃😐🥪 <- like this
#i want it to be almost uncomfortable but never reaching that point#i want us both to just munch on bread like 😐🥪 😐🥪#and we're both sharing the same crisps. and maybe we reach out for the same potato but there's an awkward “you go” pause#our fingers barely touch. it's not romantic or anything it's just 😐😬#and maybe I'll accidentally choke on a piece of chicken and he pauses. half-eaten sandwich in hand. completely silent#watching me cough and waiting to see if i need help or not. but then i sip on my capri sun and i'm 😐👍 and he's 😐👍#and we both continue to eat in silence#he's fully masked of course#maybe he'll occasionally cough very lightly to clear his throat. or do a “mhm” sound to indicate the food is good#and that's it. that's all i want#is that too much to ask? i don't think so#(listen i love sandwiches okay? they're one of my favourite things in the whole world i could live off sandwiches if i could)#sleep token
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man can mapicc stream or smt i am like so close to crashing out for no reason LOL
#veni.txt#i went to sleep early last night bc i was like#typing up an entire Thing crashing out abt the dumbass empire#not even just abt mapey like abt how they treat jepexx too#then today im unreasonably annoyed abt tr pili and ros ToT#i think im just in the low of a mood swing#maybe i need to go out tmr and Do Stuff#perhaps finds smt else to watch that isnt minecraft#idkkkkkk#actually maybe i will do smt else bc im thinking abt jepexx and i wanna eat drywall again#bc to be honest? yeah i AM a jepexx apologist#he deserves better teammates too#why is mapicc actually the only one who gaf abt him#chief and minute had no right to be like “omg jepexx 🙄�� when theyve done jackshit to take care of him#mapicc having to BEG for his team to help him not fucking die#jepexx not even asking his team for help bc he rightfully assumed nobody would come to help him#like oh my god you just arent a real TEAM#okay no sorry im stopping now LOL#im very biased for mapicc#and unexpectedly attached to jepexx bc it makes me sad that he has deadass nobody bc mapicc was the only one who cared abt him#and while i think mapicc is very reasonable in his frustration im a chungus apologist#theres very little a little chungus player could do to that i wouldnt defend#like cmon now theres a reason planet ro and bacon are some of my faves LMFAO
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.
#honestly? honestly?#last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just#felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze#maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now#i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled#most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks#i'm just so tired man#not for reblogging obviously#i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like#good riddance tbh#which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are#it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!!#gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao#but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all#and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages#am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable
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