#i need to eat more and excercise more

[yellow-yarrow]

fresh air and exercise got me feeling normal

[im-sorry-what-ii]

tw mild talk about body weight

theres really something about being a girl who goes to the gym and having a 90s skinnier than life obsessed mum who when you tell her youre going to the gym tells you 'ok just make sure you dont lift very heavy, dont want to get too big' as if that isnt the whole goal

[manmuncher777]

Stamina

smut drabble - aemond targaryen

okay so i just saw this thing someone posted about Ewan talking about all the excercise he did for aemond because he wanted aemond to look like he put so much work into becoming a “leather weapon”

*not proofread at all*

So imagine the stamina this man has built over the years, how toned and dedicated he is. I mean along with sword training, he also rides a dragon and then trains more on top of that.

If this man would be fucking you, you could only wish for his stamina, you best bet he is lasting… longggggg. He would do any positions you wanted, you wouldn’t have to worry whether it would be tiring for him or not, he could do it for hours. and if he had this dedication to other topics, imagine how dedicated he is to pleasing the woman he loves.

He would fuck you for hours until you truly couldn’t fuck anymore, he wouldnt stop until you were a panting sweating mess telling him you needed a rest - he would definetly still be fine, probably wouldnt have even broken a sweat - and of course he would have a break while you recovered and got some water, but as soon as you’ve put that glass down he would be fucking you again.

And the pace this man would be able to set would be brutal, you wouldnt even be able to catch your breath, too busy screaming his name with he destroyed your pussy. THis man is the opposite of a one and done, he is going multiple rounds, and those rounds are not short at all.

all he wants is to see you satisfied, and he hasn’t satisfied you unless hes left you a shaking sweating mess

This translates to all aspects of sex though, like he would be eating you out for ages, this man could go hours. Breathe? he doesn’t need to. his toungue is licking and sucking you just right and hes only just getting started

You’re getting multiple orgasms with the way he can go, he loves to take his time with you, he knows that he can use his stamina for your benefit and he isnt shy of doing so

once you’ve finished as many times as he seems adequate, then he allows himself to rest, until that point he will have you face down lying on the bed while hes pounding into you

You realise all you can do is moan and squeal because best believe you’ll be getting overstimulated, because you will have cum over 3 times and he still wont have finished

not like you would ever complain though

With the stamina also comes strength as well, after all he wouldn’t have only been training for endurance

imagine how well Aemond would be able to throw you about, dragging you with every position change with ease.

his large hands gripping at you and moving you like a little doll

he can also put this strength into fucking you, leaving you truly tired at the evenings end

[natsvenom]

Angel

Jason DiLaurentis x fem!reader

SUMMARY: You’ve spent the past few days being distant with your boyfriend, Jason, after you and the liars are go to a coffee shop in town and run into his ex-girlfriend Cece Drake.

WARNINGS! Age gap, slight angst, alcohol ingestion, reader has an eating disorder (anorexia), body shaming, etc.

You and the liars walk into the Apple Rose Grill. Everything was stressful, per usual. Garrett had been let off the hook for murder and now Wilden was trying to make Hanna look guilty. There was currently a court order out for them to take a sample for Hanna’s blood. That would’ve been fine, knowing Hanna isn’t guilty. Except A has a way of making an innocent person a guilty one.

“Take it from me, you’re always better off with a really good lie.” A feminie voice said from behind you guys. You physically felt your heart stop in your chest. The voice was insanely similar to Alison’s.

“Is it just me or did that sound a lot like…” Emily mumbled. Younturned around to see a blonde girl standing at the register. There was no way that could be her, right?

“…Alison.” You guys said in unison.

The girl turned around with a smile on her face, but it quickly faded as she saw you guys staring at her like she was ancient relic, “Something wrong?” She asked.

“Oh, no, sorry.” Aria apologized, “You just sound a lot like one of our friends.”

“Hope she’s brilliant.” The girl said, “What’s her name?”

“Alison DiLaurentis.” You told her, staring at her like she was a lost dog.

She looked at you guys in realization, “You were friends of Ali’s.” She says, “Me too, I’m Cece.” You had heard that name before, you just weren’t exactly sure where from.

“Spencer.” Spencer spoke, greeting herself.

“Melissa Hastings little sister.” Cece noted, “Ali talked about you. She talked about all of you. A lot.”

“How do you know Ali?” You dared to ask.

“Before I moved to L.A our families rented summer homes in Cape May. We went through an intense couple weeks together. I dated her brother, Jason. She never mentioned me to you guys?” Cece explained. You suddenly felt tense hearing the mention of Jason. You could only imagine what she meant by an intense couple of weeks. But there was no need for you to be jealous, right? Jason was with you not her. But in the moment you couldn’t help but notice how incredibly gorgeous Cece Drake was. She had beatiful blonde hair, blue eyes, easily a size 4, and not to mention her confident outgoing personality. She was everything you weren’t.

For some reason this realization made you sick to your stomach. She looked perfectly healthy, while the reason you had looked the way you did was from practically making yourself sick. Almost your whole life you had been worried about your appearance; making sure you never ate more than 1000 calories a day, over exerrting yourself, and excercising till you felt your body break down.

You knew you were destroying yourself, but you wanted to be pretty. You wanted to be like the girls at your school who all the boys fawned over. You wanted to be the girl who was always picked first for group projects. You wanted to be the girl who wasn’t afraid to wear a crop top in public. You wanted to be like Alison, beautiful and destructive.

Alison had told you something that’s always stuck with you, “You’re pretty, but sweetie you need to drop a few pounds.” When she was alive you easily weighed 130 pounds. By the time your family moved back to Rosewood, you weighed 100, and now you weigh 110. everyone had noticed the dramtic changes over the years. Your family had done nothing but worry about you, the boys at school would whistle at you and make inappropriate remarks, Hanna was someone who you could relate to, and Jason was someone you could rely on.

Before you guys started dating, he found out about your eating disorder. At the time you and the other liars were still questioning if he was A, but after he had helped you get better you never once thought about him being A again, and dismissed the girls when every they tried to convince you he was just being friendly to get information. Luckily, things were different now.

You wondered why Jason had never brought up Cece Drake before. You silently wondered if there was any part of him that still thought about her. I mean she’s gorgeous, who wouldn’t be thinking about her.

You had been zoned out for so long you hadn’t even been paying attention to their conversation until you saw her about to leave, but she stopped in her tracks, “Do any of you girls know if Jason is seeing anyone? I hear he looks really good now-a-days.” Cece asked.

The rest of the girls looked at you subtly before turning back to Cece, “No clue.” Spencer said quickly, shrugging her shoulders. Cece nodded her head.

“Well if you see him tell him I say hi.” She said in flirtatious tone, making your skin crawl.

It had been two days since you last spoke to Jason. You spent the last couple of days worrying about your body, spiraling back into that same old self concious loop you had been so familiar with. He was starting to get worried about you. He had absolutely no idea what was going on with you.

You sigh, sitting in the driver’s seat of your car. You know you shouldn’t do this, but you really needed something to take your mind off Cece Drake.

Jason sighed as he sat down on the front porch of his house. He had absolutely no explanation for what was goingon and it was driving him crazy. He turned his head when he heard footsteps walking up to him. He had hoped it would be you, but was met with slight disappointment when he saw someone else.

“Hey.” Spencer greeted softly, walking up the porch to sit by her brother. He simply nodded at her, looking down at the cement floor, which suddenly became very interesting.

“I met Cece Drake this morning.” Spencer revealed. Jason looked up, a confused expression on his face. He hadn’t heard that name in so long, nor thought of it. Spencer could see the gears turning in his head.

“What?” She questioned.

“Was y/n with you?” He asked, looking at her desperately for answers.

“Yeah, why?” It suddenly clicked in his head what was going on with you. You weren’t ignoring him because you were mad at him. You were ignoring him because of something she had said.

You sat on a hard red stool at the bar, thanking Alison internally for getting you a fake id. All you had to do was flash it to the bartender and he came back with exactly what you thought you needed. Alcohol.

You had only drank a little bit, but you were already starting to feel tipsy. You were clearly a light weight, and almost everyone knew it.

“What’s a pretty girl like yourself doing here all alone?” A masculine voice asked from beside you. You turned your head to see a man sitting next to you, a glass of something that was defintely stronger than what you were drinking.

“I’m wondering the same thing myself.” You heard another voice say from behind you. You didn’t have to think twice about it to know who it was. You spun yourself around in the stool and were met with his warm green eyes. You groaned dramatically, pushing youself off the stool. You forgot that the stool was hightened, and practically fell right into Jason’s arms.

His arms wrapped around you quickly, pulling you back up straight. Well, straight as you could get in that moment, “I’m taking you home.” He said strictly, making you giggle. It wasn’t really funny, but right now everything seemed comical to you. You pushed past him walking out of the bar. You felt the cold night air hit your face. It felt good at first, but then it made you feel sick. You threw up into the bushes right outside the bar, right before warm hands pulled your hair back for you.

“I don’t feel good.” You mumbled, wiping your mouth off.

“Mm, I wonder why.” Jason quipped, rubbing your back as an attempt to soothe you. You groaned, shoving your head into his chest. He put one of his hands in your hair, rubbing your head comfortably.

“You smell good.” You mumbled into his chest, making let out a breathy laugh, “Can we make out now?” You asked, pulling him down by his jacket. He kissed the top of your head.

“Not right now pretty girl.” He said softly. You groaned, the annoyance making you roll your eyes. You pushed away from him, walking through the parking lot, Jason following closely behind you.

You stopped in the middle of the parking lot, looking at a group of trees intensly, “Hey, who put those there?” You wondered, observing the trees like they were the most interesting thing in the world. Jason came up behind you, shrugging his jacket off and putting it over your shoulders. He didn’t say anything, knowing that explaining the process of the life cycle of a tree to a drunk person would just end up with and endless amount of stupid questions.

“I think you should take a nap and then google it in the morning.” He said, intertwining his hand with yours as he walked you to the car, opening the door for you and helping you get in. The car ride home was relatively quite, but it wasn’t uncomfortable silence, it was nice.

When you got to the DiLaurentis house, Jason’s hands stayed on your waist as he guided you up the stairs. You plopped down on his bed as he pulled something out of his closet for you to wear. He helped you unzip your little black dress and pulled his hoodie over your head. You yawned as you threw yourself back onto his bed. He sat down next you, pulling the covers over you and placing a gentle kiss on your head.

“She’s pretty.” You mumbled into the cold pillow, grasping it in your hands. Jason sighed, knowing this conversation would end up happening one way or another.

“Whose the girl that I let sleep in my bed everyday and steal every single clothing item I own?” He teased, making you smile into the pillow. You knew he was right.

“But—”

“But nothing. I love you, and only you.” He assured, pulling you into him as he wrapped his arms around you tightly. You cuddled into his chest, grasping his shirt in your hands.

“I love you too, Jase.” You yawned.

“I know angel.”

[generalsmemories]

hiii for your event (CONGRATS BY THE WAY!!!) I'd like to request

"hey, no crying... I thought we said we wouldn't cry" with jing yuan please and thank you

Warmth of the living

✧ jing yuan x gn!reader

✧ prompts used: "hey, no crying... I thought we said we wouldn't cry" || 1k event

✧ content: established relationship, hurt/comfort, spoilers for xianzhou storyline, we are still stuck in the jing yuan recovery era after phantylia fight

✧ a/n: istg if this man goes into the next patch half beat up and ready to intervene i'm actually sentencing him to a house arrest cause GODDAMN. in a way this can be seen as an alt version of my other fic 48 hours tbh. i just can't imagine any other scenario where that sentence specifically is used by itself than the recent events - so sorry for the same sorta events, i'll make sure it's the last one though!

NOT BETA-READ CAUSE I LITERALLY WROTE THIS ALL IN 30 MINUTES THE MOMENT I GOT SOME MOTIVATION FOR IT HAHA

"Lady Bailu is taking care of him as we speak, [Name]. Please excercise some patience and believe in her - she's not titled the best healer of Luofu for no reason," Fu Xuan tries to comfort as you pace back and forth at the Seat of Divine Foresight - a hand massaging her temples as she looks towards the mountains of unopened scrolls needing to be read through within the day, "... If it helps, I've also foreseen that he won't be in any immediate danger. He's fine and he's going to recover."

That diviner noticed that her assurance seemed to ease you to the point you let out a long shaky exhale before sitting down at one of the steps leading to the grand desk, combing a hand through your hair for the nth time, "You haven't rested either with helping both me and Qingzu arrange documents and various meetings with the Six Charioteers. Why don't you try to take a walk outside the Exalting Sanctum?" Fu Xuan suggests, but you merely shake your head with a chuckle.

"If I leave you'll be more overwhelmed than you already are. Qingzu is even starting to pity you, lady Fu Xuan," you start, taking a deep breath in before standing up again, "Besides, if I leave the Seat, I just know I'll go running to where he is, I don't think that would help any of us now, would it?" you say with a light-hearted chuckle.

Fu Xuan didn't comment on the fact that your voice was trembling slightly as you spoke.

You can visit the general now. Please bring me some tuskir wraps, I'm hungry.

The message was sent as you had just placed a plate of food in front of Yanqing, almost dropping the contents entirely over the table if the young lieutenant didn't notice the grip you had on it falter and catching it in time, "Woah- [Name] I was looking forward to eating your food today! What would I do if you just suddenly do something like... that..." Yanqing's words died down when he saw your widened eyes, but a quick look at the sender of the message made him let out a relived sigh, only leaning back and picking up his chopsticks, "Why not visit the general instead of staring at your screen like that? It's not like you will be able to be able to teleport yourself to his location by doing that."

Yanqing's words made you snap out of your surprise, rushing towards the entrance, "Lock up after me! And give-"

"Mimi her food, I know! Just go!"

You knew that your worry was not needed. You knew that no matter how much you worried and that no matter how many times you wished for things to go differently that day that none of it would happen, "What happens and what has happened will inevitably stay like that no matter how much you try to alter it. And if my life can ensure that the rest of Luofu can stay safe then that is ultimately the best outcome in the long run, don't you agree, dear?" is what Jing Yuan had told you after the both of you had gone through his initial plan to handle the crisis.

You knew that he was right, which was why you bit your tongue and confirmed his plan. As the general of Luofu and as an official handling the lives of the people - you both knew that his plan, although reckless would yield the best results instead of sacrificing lives where it was not needed.

You knew.

But as you stand before him in person and get a thorough look at him you can't help but wish things had gone differently that day when he came to you with a final plan - a final play.

You wished that you had let your selfish mind overtake your logical mind for a second and beg him to come up with something else. Anything that didn't involve setting himself in danger.

But you didn't, and now you're seeing the very consequences of not doing so in front of you.

His skin is paler than usual, there's bandages wrapped around his torso, his forearms and even a few of his fingers. The usual spark in his eyes are dimmed slighty. There's an air of exhaustion around him, like he's trying his best to stay awake even though he desperately wants to sleep, but his smile is still the same.

The same reassuring, convinning and gentle smile he gives you when you greet him at the Seat of Divine Foresight, when you return home after work and he's home before you and when you run into each other on the streets of Luofu. And yet you can't find yourself to smile back, your fingers tightly twisting the material of your garments while you struggle to let out a word, a sound or anything at all to even try to match his own effort to reach out to you.

But you can't, you can't bring yourself to speak, and every time you open your mouth you can only make a tiny sound that sounds like a wheeze. But before you can try to recollect yourself, your eyes widen when Jing Yuan forces himself to sit in an upright position, snapping back to reality when you hear his quiet grunt of pain.

However you're not able to tell him to lay back down again (as Bailu had instructed he does) before he grabs a hold of your hands and pulls you into his arms with quiet coos and a low chuckle, "No crying... I thought we said we wouldn't cry over things like this?" he whispers, pulling slightly back to instead cup your cheeks, thumbs caressing the few tears that had managed to fall down from your eyes with a gentle gaze.

It tears you utterly apart how your wellbeing is still his priority than his own recovery.

"That... was a different... situation," you manage to squeeze out, bringing your hands up to rub the tears away yourself.

You didn't know when the tears began to form, nor when they began to fall.

"I know I'll lose you one day to the mara, as much as you're aware that you might lose me to it as well - and that's what we promised not to cry over! We never agreed to this sort of situation!" you croak out, trying your best to stop the tears from flowing. You know it's a silly comparison - Jing Yuan would much rather die out in the battlefield protecting the Luofu and the alliance than fall victim to the curse. You know, but your selfish self won't accept that outcome - even though you know such an outcome is the best for the general of Luofu.

"I agreed to this plan of yours, yes. I also agreed knowing that you're essentially putting your own life at risk yes, but still!" you sob, raising a closed fist to lightly beat down on his already battered body, "Knowing that you still came back safe just made every possible scenario of things that could go wrong and knowing they didn't and that you're here right now- scolding me of all things for crying in relief just makes this seem more surreal so you out of everyone can't fault me for actually crying because I was preparing a starskiff for the soul-soothing ceremony in the background for aeons sake," you rasp out, ending the whole rant with a saddened chuckle.

Jing Yuan merely laughs in return, one arm wrapping around your waist while his free hand pushes your head into his chest while gently patting your head, his body shaking with his soft chuckles when he feels your tears wet his garments again, "I'm fine dear, I just need to be in bedrest for a while. I'm not leaving anytime soon, so stop those tears, okay? You know I can't handle it when you cry," he whispers, bending his head down slightly to kiss the crown of your head softly.

"Just let me cry this one out, I don't think I've cried for a good couple of years," you murmur, burying yourself further into his chest, the arms you have wrapped around him squeezing a tiny bit - making Jing Yuan let out a small yelp of surprise from the force.

He's warm, you notice. His heart is beating and you can feel his chest rise up and down with every breath he takes. You can feel his fingers run through your head, you can hear the his nonchalant commets of his observations of the room in the commission amidst the otherwise silent room. And you can feel his whole body when he shuffles a bit to rest his back to the wall while he himself tries to squeeze you a bit tighter to reassure you.

Everything indicating that he's alive for another day.

And only after that do you finally feel like you can breathe again.

another request that had the same scenario in it!

[justnatoka]

Love is in the air

Paul x GN! Reader

A/n: Hi there! I decided to experiment with some writing prompts as an excercise to try and write more consistently. Hope you enjoy them!

Word count: 826

Prompt: "You're in love." / "I think you're delusional." / "And I think you're in denial."

David is being observant. :')

Paul wasn’t hard to notice, his handsome looks and loud personality making him stand out in a crowd of ordinary people. But that’s the thing, he was far from ordinary, and not just because he was a bloodthirsty creature of the night. That was true for all of you. His magic was in how much effect he had on you. He had a way to bring a smile to your face regardless of the circumstances, his sunny and silly persona brightening up the endless nights of your immortal life ever since you joined this little ragtag group all those years ago. He made you feel welcome, warming up your long dead heart after decades spent alone and lonely, drifting around from place to place before arriving to the small coastal town of Santa Carla.

You found yourself reminiscing about old times as you nursed a drink in your lap, your face warmed by the bonfire the guys set up on a more secluded part of the beach. You could faintly hear the noise and cheer of the boardwalk from afar, but it was mostly drowned out by Paul’s boombox sitting a few feet away from you, playing a rock song you heard him hum so many times before. Speaking of Paul, he was currently getting chased around the beach by Marko after throwing a handful of sand in his face. An amused grin spread across your face as the smaller boy tackled him to the ground with a victorious roar, the two of them rolling around in the sand coupled with howls of laughter.

Dwayne was off with Laddie to get some food while you and David sat around the fire, enjoying the balmy night air and watching the boys’ playfighting. Being so absorbed in your thoughts, you almost didn’t notice the feeling of eyes on you. Turning to the right, you found David staring, blue eyes studying your face with a cigarette in hand. You raised an eyebrow in a silent question, but he just shook his head, looking back into the fire with a knowing smile on his lips.

“What?” you asked. He shook his head again, his grin growing bigger, like he found something incredibly amusing that he wasn’t willing to share yet.

“David, what is it?” you barked, getting a tad irritated by his lack of response.

“Nothing. You’re just very easy to read.” Now you were just confused.

“What are you talking about?”

“Knowing you, I’m sure you haven’t even figured it out yet,” he continued completely ignoring your question.

Hackles raised, you were pretty convinced he just called you dense, but then the rest of his sentence registered. “Figured out what?”

David slowly looked at you, that annoying smirk on his face.

“That you’re in love.”

You suddenly grew flustered, turning away from him and taking a swig from your drink. Your eyes subconsciously sought out Paul, who seemingly got the upper hand during the small window of time you weren’t looking. He was currently grinning like a maniac as he started tickling Marko, the curly haired vampire flailing his arm around, trying to punch his friend in the face to make him stop. Without even meaning to, a smile rose to your lips at his antics. It quickly melted off as you caught yourself, face turning hot in embarrassment. Sneaking a glance at David, his shit-eating grin made it obvious that nothing had escaped his attention. You swiftly averted you gaze.

“I think you’re delusional,” you stated.

“And I think you’re in denial. I get it, darling, our Paulie is a good looking guy. There’s no shame in falling for his charms.”

You were pretty sure your head would spontaneously combust if he kept up that teasing tone.

“It’s not like that.”

“If you say so,” he shrugged and took a drag from his cigarette, looking nonchalant, but that mischievous glint in his eyes told you everything you needed to know.

You brought the bottle to your lips with a huff, but to your disappointment, it was already empty. You dropped it into the sand, then just stared into the fire, pointedly ignoring David’s presence next to you. That was until you heard a screech. Looking up, you saw Marko now on top, his fingers at Paul’s sides, tickling the hell out of him. The rocker was shrieking with laughter, thrashing around, his legs kicking, but he couldn’t break free. Gasping for air, he turned his head in your direction and screamed your name in a last ditch effort.

“Help, he’s killing me!” Then he fell back into another fit of giggles. Shit, maybe David was right.

You let out a resigned sigh and stood up, feeling his eyes on you once again.

“Don’t even start,” you grumbled without looking at the leader, then went to save that stupid beautiful man. After all, who are you going to confess your potentially growing feelings to if Marko accidentally smothers him?

[itsrecoverytimebitch-blog]

Ridiculously long post of depression tips

In the words from some of my favorite books, people and games:

"Road to recovery is a long one, but you will make it." - Volition from Disco Elysium

"Be selfish. Be brave." - Babel

"You can and you will make it." - Someone I know

This will be a ridiculously long post as I'm trying to put everything I know/have learnt over the years on it, so might break it into parts if need be. I'm not a doctor, but fellow survivor and this is what I've found useful. Take what you need from the post. WE GOT THIS!

Basic self care

Crucial. Important. In some cases, life or death.

I will include the obvious tips and some random specific ones.

Sleep

It literally heals your mind when got right. Some things to make it happen:

Go to bed and wake up at the same time. Even if insomnia keeps you awake, stay consistent with the bed times.

Give yourself ridiculous amount of time for the rest. When I'm bad and in recovery, I start prepping for sleep at 8pm. People will not mind, they might be a bit surprised at first, but it's not really their business.

Be firm with yourself about technology before bed. I strive for putting my mobile off for the night, and only look at it AFTER I've had my morning coffee.

Really long walk and some kind of sleepy tea of your choice is an EXCELLENT combo for good rest.

Sleep is also tied to other basic self care, so you need to be doing all of it - but good news, more you do the easier it gets because you get better.

If you fuck up any of these points - say, stay until 3pm on your phone looking at memes - don't beat yourself up (even if that's the natural thing you'll want to do when you're suffering from depression), but don't give in either, thinking that letting yourself KEEP doing this is self care and being merciful on yourself. No. If you fuck up, it is okay and human, but KEEP AT IT. Think of all the process you've made so far despite the fuck up. Keep going. Don't let yourself get discouraged by one or few fuck ups, but make it a top priority to get back on track. You will make it. You deserve a good life and sleep will definitely help.

Food

Making food while depressed is exhausting. You need to choose the ingredients, buy them, then make the food. And your depression might tell you lies, such as what's the point and I don't deserve to eat well. But they are lies! You do deserve it. It is important to do this right to not get into financial ruin, and keep a healthy diet. This is tricky, but you can get there. Some tips:

When you're doing a little better, prepare a LOT of food, and then freeze a lot of it. Little gift for the future self who is struggling.

Keep a lot of easy good snacks around. Include fruit. Eat when hungry.

Speaking of fruit, have some at the house and eat often.

Include protein in your food. However, if you really are struggling and there's nothing but pasta in the house and you're starving, eat the damn pasta.

Accumulate a lot of simple recipes you can make quickly. Tomato pasta with some protein is a good one, especially with some Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese.

Making food can be helpful for depression, although when the worst is on it's very hard. But if you're a little better, it can even be therapeutic to focus on it. Try making something that takes a while, like pizza.

When you're getting even more better ('cause you will!) offering food to others is good for mental health for secret reasons. But if the thought exhausts you as you read this don't worry about this for now.

If you excercise, horde some protein snacks you can eat immediately.

Congratulate yourself for keeping up with this, and every time you've gone through the day with a good healthy diet. It is not easy.

Similarly to sleep, if you stray off course, know this is natural, change is hard, don't beat yourself up, but get back on track. I believe in you.

Exercise

Did someone say "extra fries"? Boomer minion memes aside, this is another really really good thing to do. Get this: You can literally force your body to create endorphins, even when you're mind is in the mud. It also helps with both appetite and sleep, and self-esteem. It also can help you find an outlet, and it helps focus yourself on the present. And it is such a concrete way of fighting an illness which feels so not-concrete. Some tips:

Make plans with people or find a workout buddy. The peer pressure is an excellent way to motivate yourself even if your mind makes bullshit excuses. It may feel intimidating to ask someone but I promise a lot of people want to get into working out but find it hard to motivate themselves too, so you really are also helping them at the same time too. Societies or groups are also good, as long as you go each time.

Think of working out as a fight against your depression. Because it is. Think of your depression being this big Dark Souls boss fight. (gif below for anyone not familiar.) You are struggling, but you are fighting against it, and you're a survivor, and you're badass af for keeping on fighting.

BTW above gif: that's you drinking some estus flask (water) before you tackle again the task of fighting your depression by working out because that is how badass you are.

Do the workout, no matter what your mind tells you.

The kind of workout that raises heart rate is really good.

Long walks are also REALLY good. I don't know what it is about them, but they are magical. You might find cats on the street or cool birds too.

Yoga is also good. The YouTube channel Yoga by Adriene is very good, she's so gentle.

Remember that after any kind of work out congratulate yourself and remember you are a fighter and you've just taken even more steps to battle against this thing, it's not easy and you've done it and you should be beyond proud.

That's it for this post but I will reblog this with more tips in the future so stay tuned folks. I will cover at least things like people, hobbies, therapy, values and goals and staying organized, but I'll add more if I think more.

I've struggled with this for a long time but I can and will make it towards being better and so will you.

[lynnlovesthestars]

Blood.

Pairing: Astarion x gn!reader

Genre and warnings: hurt and comfort, allusions to sexual assault, past trauma, mention of torture, emptiness, lots of feelings ngl.

Gentle reminder that what is going to be under the cut, is a sensitive topic, we can't know who is going to scroll past it or read, so please be mindful about those around you. Myself I am a survivor and though I'm confident enough to write about it, it doesn't mean everyone is, so once more, please excercise kindness towards others.<3

Part One- scars.

Astarion cradled your body to his chest, he rested against the headboard while keeping you in his lap, his cold fingers traced shapes as he helped you calm your breath.

Even with the bandages wrapped around your body, the raw wounds ached no matter what you laid on, and if you had the chance of laying on a bed and in pain, or staying cradled in Astarion's arms still in pain, you always picked the second.

There was something about his touch that was able to soothe you. Particularly now, when you couldn't find the strength to do anything, his arms around your middle reminded you were in a safe corner, he wouldn't hurt you.

"My love" he whispered as he placed a soft kiss on top of your head. “You need to eat something, and take a bath” He hoped you’d turn your head, even just say yes or no, but you couldn’t, you just let everything happen. It’s been three days since you last had something similar to a meal, and Astarion wasn’t fond of the idea, especially since you were also dangerously close to being void of all your blood.

He didn’t want to force you to look at him when his fingers gently turned your face towards his, he knew what it felt like, so he didn’t force you to open your eyes, he simply rested his forehead against yours, eyes closed as well, as he was just caressing your cheek.

“I wish I could just take away the pain, my love” He kept his voice low, barely a whisper, words no one else had to hear but you. “I know it hurts, but you need at least a few bites of anything, even just a piece of bread.” His other arm was still wrapped around your waist, keeping you close to him. He was never going to let you go, he would fight for the both of you if you allowed him to. If he had the chance to take the burden of your pain as well, he wouldn’t hesitate. He would carry it all, if it meant he could see your smile or hear your laugh, if it meant he could lay next to you as you slept a night without nightmares, if it meant you would scold him because carrying your pain was an idiotic idea, cause it would break you to see him in pain, the same way it’s breaking him to see you like this. Despite this he knew that you’d carry his pain if it meant he was okay, and he would scold you the same way.

He stayed silent as you worked slowly on his words, he knew well how hard it must be to even get your brain to move those cogs slowly, how hollow you could feel, how dirty your soul would feel. He just wanted to be there for you, help you, like he wished someone did with him.

Oh how he wished someone just held him close the first night he spent in solitary confinement, or when he’d have to endure months of starvation. The first time he was compelled to lure someone, he just wanted to scrape his skin off. What Cazador did to you was just like being stabbed over and over again while taking a bath in salt, but he had to be strong for the two of you. He promised to himself that one day this hollow feeling in your chests would just be a distant memory.

For a moment he was absorbed by his thoughts, he almost didn’t feel you squeezing ever so slightly his arm, like he guided you to do the first night, when he realized you were too hurt to speak anything but the pleas of in your nightmares.

“I’ll bring you some fruit then, my love” He placed another delicate kiss on your cheek before laying you on the bed, under the thick duvet. He quickly made his way towards the chest, gathering a plate and filling it with some fruit Halsin gathered in the woods outside Baldur’s Gate. He usually would eat the fruit as it was, uncaring if it had to be rinsed, but he put so much care in this plate, asking Shadowheart to purify the fruit before giving it to you, and cast some sort of heal on it as well, since you didn’t allow anyone but him to touch you. 

Once more you let everything happen around you, Astarion would help you up and slowly feed you a small portion of fruit while praising. Letting you know how good you were doing, and how proud he was of you.

He would do it so gently that the rest of the group was hardly able to keep his eyes off him, as he would try and coax a smile from you, while slowly he helped you eat all the food.

His tone was once more low just for you to listen. “Do you feel like you can walk a little?” He asked. At the absence of you squeeze, he took your hand in his. “Do you want me to carry you to the bathroom?” You could see it in his eyes, how he was pleading with you to trust him on this, to let him care for you. You trusted him with your life.

“Please, yes” You shakily let out as you lowered your eyes to your hands. You didn’t notice his reaction, since he just jumped up, but he could feel his eyes instantly getting glassy, and the knot in his throat slowly unclenching at the sound of your voice. It was days that the only thing that fell from your lips were teary no’s and heart shattering screams.

He was so afraid of hurting you, of pressing too hard on the wounds, unaware how you actually needed it, no matter the pain it would cause in those few days you learnt how to dissociate from reality, to ignore the stinging sensation or the phantom touch haunting you through the day. Of course you could tell the difference between Astarion’s fingers just mindlessly tracing your skin, and the feeling of nails dipping in your hips, at your legs or at your arms, fighting to pull you one way or another, while also trying to keep you from moving. You wanted to erase those memories, forget how it made you want to retch. You wanted to beg Astarion to erase it himself, with his touch, with his lips, with his everything, but words were too heavy on your tongue, just like moving your limbs.

Astarion was lost in his thoughts as he read the scroll Gale wrote for him, “how to warm up water, quickly. (But make sure it’s not too quick or you are gonna boil your skin, idiot)”. He gave it to him months prior when Astarion wanted to take a warm bath but there was no bath house in kilometers.

“My love..” He kneeled in front of you, taking your hand in his hand and placing a kiss on your knuckles. “Can you undress and get in the water or do you need help?” You wanted to tell him he could have raised his voice, you were alone and no one was going to eavesdrop, but you could tell he didn’t want to startle when you were zoning out or lost in thoughts. “If you need it, just tell me and I’ll call Jaheira or Karlach, so they can help you get in the water.” He over explained himself as he was just so careful to not make you uncomfortable.

“No, you” Your free hand rested on his. “Please stay” 

He didn’t reply at that, his cheeks taking just the softest shade of pink, as he got up. He kissed your forehead again as he helped you up on your feet. 

He waited until you nodded at him, letting him know you were okay with him.

He was very careful to pull up the shirt, trying to not pull too hard in case your exposed wounds would have stuck to the fabric.

It reminded him when he had to dress again after Cazador marked his skin, how unavoidable it was for his back to make contact with his button up, and how painful it was to get undressed. He was glad, though, that a good bit of your skin was covered in bandages. When he brought you back, and Shadowheart had to wrap you up, she didn’t have enough bandages to cover all your open wounds, so she had to cover the deepest ones, the one that were oozing more blood than the others, while she could only heal you a little bit at a time through that night.

Astarion was quick to unwrap the bandages, his face scrunched in a worried look, as you hissed at the feeling of your skin being fred, like it was about to peel off from your muscles, just like Cazador pulled it from your chest. 

Astarion tried his best to ignore the bubbling anger in his chest at the first sight of the bloodied lines, your whole body marked by that bastard, almost as a taunting reminder that in a way, he won. Cazador broke you, he took you in front of him, he used you until you were just hollow, he stole the smile from your lips, and there was no way to hide the reminder. Whenever you’d look at yourself in the mirror, or you’d look at your fingers, you’d see Cazador engraved in your skin, and he hated it. He hated that he was able to haunt him even after his death.

Astarion slowly guided you towards the water, helping you in until you were laying in the tub, and pressing another kiss on your cheek.

He was ready to step back, allowing you to let your body go in the warm water, when you didn’t let go of his hand. “No, please, don’t leave” You pleaded, tears pooling at the corners of your eyes, as you felt the haunting hand of fear on your shoulder. 

“I’m gonna stay here with you my love” He pointed towards the bench where you were sitting moments ago, you could have sworn that it was too far in that moment. You wanted, no you needed him close, to cling to him like he was going to disappear at any moment, to feel his skin against yours, to remind you he was real and not just a fragment of your delusional mind trying to cope with the nightmares.

“No, please, here” If you had the strength to pull him stronger, you would have dragged him in the water yourself, but you were holding that hand with all you had already.

It took him a moment to grasp at what you meant, as his confused scowl quickly eased in a sad smile. He lowered, so you didn’t have to strain your neck to look up, as his eyes searched for something in yours. “Are you sure, my love?” He asked in a breath, as he studied your face, your movements, how your chest was raising and lowering rhythmically, to catch even the smallest hint of hesitation, but when you nodded at him unhesitant, he smiled back at you.

He turned towards the shelf nearby, plucking several bottles from there that he placed next to the ones you recognized as yours. 

He looked for your eyes as he took his time untying his shirt, waiting for your nod before quickly peeling off all his clothes and making his way in the warm, soothing water.

For a moment you just both laid there, your hands intertwined as you allowed the water to caress your skin.

“How did you do it?” You asked, sucking in a breath, you needed some reassurance, any kind. “How did you get over it?” He could feel your hand stiffen along your body.

“I guess I didn’t until recently” He admitted, for the first time he avoided your eyes. “After 10 years of confinement, you stop trying to fight it I guess” His voice cracked at the last word, his hand unclasped from yours as he rested his back against the edge of the tub, measuring his words before letting them out. 

“After I was let out again, expected to comply without putting up a fight, it became a matter of survival. It was either that, or starvation, torture and pain” He was mustering all his strength to resist the tears.

“Though the feelings never..” He hesitated for a moment. “They never left, for 200 years. Intimacy felt tainted” You recall him mentioning it, when you were in Moonrise.

“Then you came around, and bedding you didn’t work” He could feel that disgust against himself rise just at the thought of using it against you. Or rather, at his advantage. “You were supporting me, you wanted to know my opinion about anything, you held me when no one would have done it” He tilted his head back, his hair slowly starting to lose its form as the steam relaxed the curls. “I don’t know what it is about the way your touch feels, the idea of you being so close to me, so vulnerable, for the first time in my life, it feels genuine. It feels real. It’s not coated with lies.” He breathed out for a moment, looking for your eyes, making sure he didn’t say too much and scared you away. “You happened and it’s like your touch is healing me” He brushed his index finger on your cheek, taking in your teary eyes, the way you were tilting ever so slightly your head as you listened to him, and the way you were resting your hands together on your leg, fidgeting with them.

“I will always have nightmares, and I hate that you will as well,” He admitted. “But now that I know that I have you by my side..” His finger gently traced the line of your shoulder, pushing them down so you could allow them to relax. “I know I can endure them, cause when I’ll wake up crying, and you’ll be laying next to me, I know I will be at home”. It was like he took his heart straight out of his chest, and laid it bare there for you. He wanted to let you know how much he cared for you, and how much you meant to him. He would be there, step by step.

“‘Starion” Your voice trembled at his sight, you could see it through his eyes, the hurt, how vulnerable he felt by letting you in his heart, and deep down the fear, that same fear that had been waiting in the back of your mind. The fear of being too much to handle. You wanted to say something more, but he stopped you, knowing that talking about this more, could have been too much for you.

“Shh” He whispered gently, extending his hand for you. “I promise you, my love. I will wait for you, I will be there all the way, even if you’ll be too afraid to kiss me for the rest of your life. Until the end of our days, I will still hold you to my chest and live off of that touch only” He smiled as you held his hand, and closed the space between your bodies, resting your head on his chest. “As long as you are by my side, I will do my very best to protect you, to help you reclaim yourself, I promise, my love”

[generational-atrophy]

Summer time! May I ask what the axis (Prussia and Romano) have planned for the beach with their s/o versus the reality of the trip? 😂

Oh, to make this more fun I want this to be a group trip.

Happy Summer! ☀️

hetalia axis on a group beach trip with their s/o

1.1k words ~ gender neutral headcanons

tw: they think ur hot. lol. thats it.

a/n: since this is my last weekend of summer its a perfect time to do this :sobsobsob: sorry anon

Italy

Expectation

There'll be plenty of pretty girls for him to flirt with! And more importantly, one VERY pretty person that he's gonna flirt with the most.

Hopefully, this time, he won't put one foot in the water and immediately shriek about how freezing it is.

He'll spend as much time with you as he does with his friends! Plus, now you can be closer to them! Hooray!

Maybe he'll get a little bit of a workout. He's not a big swimmer, but he'll try his hardest, just to impress you.

Reality

He'll spend a little too much time trying to get Kiku to get out of his shell. If you suggest that maybe he just doesn't want to... Feliciano is taking it as a personal challenge.

He doesn't get a lot of swimming done. Just enough to balance out the ice cream he got for the two of you.

He ends up teasing Ludwig a lot about how girls are staring at him-

He usually only gets hit by Romano twice! (To be fair, he was totally asking for it.)

He'll drool over you for an... uncomfortable amount of time. Luckily, he knows how to be subtle. His words are absolutely NOT subtle though!

If no one knew you were dating him before, they will now.

He cannot stop kissing you.

He can't help it, ok? You're just too cute in that swimsuit!

Germany

Expectation

 Everyone will enjoy his homecooked snacks and NOT spend money unnecessarily on some overpriced trash-

 He'll only have to remind you and everyone else to put on sunscreen once, and will actually do so when he tells them to.

Feliciano will not hit his head on the bottom of the pool diving again, and if he does, Ludwig will not be the one who has to drive him to the doctor. Again.

Nothing will go wrong. Okay, something will go wrong, but it'll be something minor... please...

Reality

All of his friends constantly interrupt the two of you and drag you off to do something stupid

He was so careful! But... he still got sunburned on his back.

Halfway through the trip, he's done swimming because he's tired of Romano splashing him in the face when he's trying to get some ACTUAL EXCERCISE-

One of the lifeguards is a stupid teenager and of course, Ludwig is the one who ends up saving some poor kid. (He did not have to volunteer! But you know, “If I didn't, who would?”)

Everyone stares because god lord that man is shredded to hell and back.

( Someone tries hitting on him and he's so uncomfortable he pretends he doesn't speak English and runs away)

He still has a lovely time, because you're around, and that's all he needs to be happy.

Japan

Expectation

No one will talk to him. No one will look at him. It will not be too hot and he won't have to swim. Please. Please do not make him swim.

Actually, you can talk to and look at him. Maybe Ludwig can. But only that.

Hopefully, he won't be forced to eat terrible beach food. He packed a sandwich. That's enough, right?

All he wants is to sit in the shade with you and read quietly, away from all the noise and heat of the beachfront.

Reality

Feliciano is gonna drag him in the water, and he'll trip. And fall. Into the water. And he'll be all wet for the rest of the day. And he'll hate it. So much.

Barely gets to read his book for multiple reasons.

Halfway through the trip, he's completely wiped out from the heat. You'll probably have to help with sunscreen, too.

Anytime any of you bring him down to the water, he tries to bring up a bunch of random facts to get you to stop.

(”Don't you know there's jellyfish in this country? I do not want to get stung!“ ”THIS IS A LAKE!“)

Kiku is much more suited for an arcade than a beach. He's too much of an old man for it. He's glad you're having fun, though.

Romano

Expectation

You'll pass out from how hot he is

He WON'T give in and eat any of the disgusting, insulting beach food.

He'll be able to completely ignore everyone but you, including the stupid, loud Germans!

The heat won't bother him. He's a Mediterranean country for god's sake, he's used to it being hot!

Hopefully, and he really prayed for this, he'll get a nice tan and not more sunburnt.

Feliciano won't interrupt his peace and relaxation. And if he does, he won't run away as Romano tries to smack him with a rolled-up magazine.

Reality

He ends up getting super insecure about his body in comparison to everyone else (Cough, cough, Ludwig and Gilbert,) and you'll have to coax him to not constantly wear his towel.

Any time not spent bothering others is spent with you while relaxing in a pool floatie.

He's so unused to exercise that he gets hungry and tired almost immediately.

He tries his best to ignore the other beachgoers in favour of you, but he can't stop getting annoyed by everyone else OR subtly flirting with others.

(He's just in a bad mood, he doesn't mean any of it.)

As soon as he sees you, he can't help staring. He just thinks you're so stunning when you're wearing so little...

Prussia

Expectation

He's gonna get so sunburnt that he's in pain for weeks.

You and him are gonna race in the water, and he's gonna WIN!

He'll finally get to show off his rockin' bod without being seen as a douchebag.

Plus, he'll get to see your body too. Even better.

(I'm telling you now, if your stomach spills out of your swimsuit, he's gonna get so attracted to you, he'll get dizzy and have to sit down.)

When (If) girls stare at him for being so hot, he'll get to show off that he's dating YOU, which in his opinion, you're even hotter than him. Then they'll get jealous and stop looking at him! (Not how that works, but whatever.)

Reality

He's gonna get so sunburnt that he's in pain for weeks. This is inevitable.

Gilbert will quickly become pretty bored just swimming, so you and him will build a nice big sand castle (He insists on making one replicating a castle he used to live in.)

He'll sneak up behind Ludwig and grab his ankles, swimming away before he can see him. Just for fun.

He's gonna ask you if you're drowning.  Regardless of what you say, he's picking you up bridal style and carrying you out of the water. Just because he thinks it'd be hot. (”I'm saving you, Liebling! I take kisses in payment-“)

Romano will hate it, but Gilbert definitely will try to force him down a slide if there are any.

[gojocp]

"now playing:.."

cw: fluff, angst(??) in itadori's part featuring: gojo satoru, geto suguru, megumi fushiguro, nanami kento, yuuji itadori

a/n: the way i literally deleted all of the fic and had to redo it. also has anyone read the webtoon 'weak hero' cuz im re-reading it and there are literally ZERO fics abt it. also pls lmk if u find any apocalypse-type jjk or aot fics. lmk how this is!! (i think i turned geto in another version of gojo, i literally cannot write for anyone but him its so sad. also i feel like megumi's made no sense LMAO)

GOJO SATORU: 'always forever' by cults. "you and me.. always, forever!! we could stay.. alone, together!!" ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"hey, stop! get away suguru!" utahime shouts, running away from the 16 year old. "nope, sorry utahime! no tag-backs!!" he responds, slapping her back and running away.

"fine! screw you!" she shouts, running to haibara and tagging him quickly.

"haibara! get me!" yells suguru, waving his arms. "okay! if you say so!" haibara responds, doing as the upperclassmen says.

"thanks!" he smiles, making a bee-line towards utahime. "stop it! (y/n) help me, please! why aren't you two playing?" she yells.

"we're tired man.." satoru says, resting his head on yours as you lean against his shoulder, eating a popsicle.

"you were sitting there the whole time!" shoko exclaims. "you didn't even do anything." nanami agrees, having yet to be caught.

"if you need some shade you're free to join us." you say. "no thanks, we're actually getting excercise, unlike you guys. so lazy.." suguru responds.

"hey! stop ganging up on us! we'll sit if we want to! get lost!!" satoru shouts.

.・。.・゜✭・.

after 10 minutes of running around some more, the others decide to call it a day and take a seat in the shade of a seperate tree, not wanting to disturb the two of you. and not wanting to deal with satoru complaining.

"hey, this is nice y'know.." satoru starts, "just being alone together, while the others do their own thing. we should do this more often, just the two of us." he continues. "yeah, it's nice." you agree, looking up and placing a kiss on his jaw.

"hey! look at the sunset!" utahime exclaims, directing your attention away from your boyfriend for a moment. "oo, it's so pretty!" you gush.

"yeah," satoru agrees, looking at you. "it is pretty."

0:40 ——|———————— -3:20

GETO SUGURU: 'lovers rock' by tv girl. "and if you're too drunk to drive, and the music is right. she might let you stay, but just for the night" ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

just like any teenager, suguru believes he can hold alcohol pretty well. he can't.

when shoko sneaks alcohol into the dorms, she convinces the 4 of you to try some. of course, satoru boasts about how well he can tolerate alcohol and challenges suguru to a 'drink off', as he says. after taking a few drinks from his glass, satoru is out cold. shoko decides to put the bottle away and take satoru to his room, leaving you with your drunk boyfriend to take care of.

"please get up, sugu. let me take you back to your room." you say, trying to convince him to get off your lap. "nahh, i'm good." he responds, slurring his words.

"okay fine, stay there then." you say, standing up and leaving him to lay on the floor. "wait-! where are you going? don't leave!" he exclaims, standing up too quickly. you move to catch him, swinging one of his arms over your shoulder to support his weight.

"back to your room, suguru," you respond, "that's where we're going."

"no! i don't wanna." he says stubbornly, wrapping his other arm around you. "wait- stop! we're gonna fall!" you shout. "then we can fall..!" he giggles.

"oh my god, you're so stubborn. i'm taking you to my room." you say, slightly agitated. "ooo, didn't know you were like that." he says, wriggling his eyebrows. 'kill me now.' you think, realizing your mistake, knowing he won't leave you alone about it.

"let's hurry to your room then." he says, leaving a sloppy kiss on your cheek.

you drag him to your room and drop him on the bed and head to the bathroom to do your skincare. when you come back, you find him staring at you, love prominent in his eyes.

"hey, cutie." he flirts with a grin on his lips. "shut up and go to bed." you respond.

"ow, so rude." he says, making himself comfortable under the covers.

"i love you.." he says, giving you a wet kiss on the cheek. "i love you too, go to sleep." you say, facing away from him. he wraps an arm around you and pulls you closer, kissing your nape a few times and snuggling into your neck.

"goodnight.." he mumbles, falling asleep soon after. "goodnight, sugu."

1:20 ————|—————— -3:20

MEGUMI FUSHIGURO: 'see you again' by tyler, the creator. "can i get a kiss? and can you make it last forever..." ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

it's not often you and your friends get to hang out, often too busy with school work.

"wooo! i love the beach!" yuuji exclaims, chasing nobara as you all make your way to the sand. upon arriving, itadori quickly takes off his shoes and clothes, leaving him in his swimwear and runs into the water.

"guys!! (y/n)!! nobara!! megumi!! come swim!!" he exclaims, waving his arms. "coming!! wait up!" nobara says, running into the water.

after placing the towels and bags on the sand, you and megumi make your way to the water. "ugh! stop splashing me itadori!" nobara yells, splashing water back at itadori.

stepping into the water, megumi holds his hand out for you. "here." he says, offering you his hand. "thank you." you say, smiling at him. "eww! you guys are gross!" nobara says, splashing you with water as itadori joins in, splashing megumi.

"hey!" megumi scolds, throwing a beachball at itadori. "ow! what the hell?" itadori exclaims, as nobara laughs at him. "don't laugh, nobara!!"

"whatever.." she responds, splashing him again and swimming off. "get back here!" says itadori. "never!!" she retorts, getting splashed seconds later.

.・。.・゜✭・.

"oh god.. i'm so tired.." you say, heading back to the dorms. "i need a massage so bad." you continue. "i could give you one when we're back?" megumi offers, the others not being able to hear over their yells and shouts at each other. "i'd like that, thank you!" you beam, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

after changing your clothes, you lay down and megumi begins massaging the knots out of your back. letting out a sigh of pleasure, you say, "thank you, megumi.." you say, smiling softly. "anytime." he responds fondly.

after a bit of silence, megumi decides to break it. "you know, sometimes i wonder.." if you look both ways when you cross my mind. "yeah?" you urge him to continue. "no, nevermind.." he replies. "you sure?" you ask. "yeah." he says smiling. "okay.." you say, deciding not to push him.

"i'm done.." he says, moving away and tucking you in. "can i get a kiss?" you ask, as he starts to leave. and can you make it last forever? smiling, he walks over and places a soft kiss on your lips. "goodnight.." he says. "goodnight... i love you." you say, smiling up at him. "i love you too." he says, placing another kiss on your cheek and shutting the door behind him.

2:00 ——————|———— -3:20

NANAMI KENTO: 'for the first time' by mac de marco. "it's just like seeing her.. for the first time..again.." ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

two weeks. it had been two weeks since kento had seen you face-to-face. having to go on a mission out of the country, he wasn't very fond of leaving you alone for a long time. and even though you reassured him over and over, saying "oh, i'll be fine!! don't worry," and "it's only two weeks.. you'll be back in no time." he still worried.

and after two dreadful and godawful (according to him) weeks, he was finally back in japan, handing in his report.

"alright, that's everything. you're free to leave." upon hearing those words, he rushed out and quickly headed home.

"kento?" you asked, when you heard the front door open. "i'm home." he said warmly, with a fond smile etched on his face. 'they're so beautiful, just like when we first met.' running up to him, you wrap your arms around his neck and give him a warm hug, asking "how are you?".

"i'm okay, how have you been?" he asks. "ehh, it's been the same." you respond. squeezes his arms around your waist tighter and places soft kisses on your face.

"what's gotten into you, kento?" you question, laughing softly. "i missed you." he states, placing a final kiss on your forehead. "i missed you too, dear. how about you shower and we can eat? i made your favourite." you say, smiling up at him. "okay.. wait for me, my love." he responds, leaving to go shower.

.・。.・゜✭・.

after eating, you both head to bed and lie down. wrapping your arms around kento, you rest your head on his shoulder and look up at him.

"i missed you kento.." you say sleepily. "i missed you too." he responds. "i love you.." you add, letting sleep engulf you. "i love you too." he whispers, while softly sleeping.

'it's just like seeing her for the first time.. again..'

2:40 ————————|—— -3:20

YUJI ITADORI: "i'll never smile again" by tommy dorsey. 'i'll never smile again...untill i smile at you' ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

'how did this happen?' he thinks to himself. 'this was supposed to be a grade one curse, where the hell did the special grade come from?'

you and yuuji were paired up to travel to shibuya to excorsise a grade one curse. easy enough, right? WRONG!! like all missions in shibuya, something had to go wrong, and in this case, a special grade appeared. you both tried your best to excorsise it, but all your efforts were futile as you were knocked out, and the curse remained in the city.

it had been two hours since then, another sorceror was sent to excorsise the curse. but yuji didn't care, his partner was unconsious and greatly injured, for heavens sake! you had been impaled in the arm and legs and cursed buds were planted inside you, growing deeper and deeper the more you used cursed energy.

i mean, it was already bad enough that an s grade curse appeared, but know you can't even use cursed techniques? the 15 year old couldn't recall what he had done to deserve this, but that's because he didn't do anything. the world is just cruel.

he couldn't ever imagine smiling or being truly happy in a world without you. you were the love of his life. you were his everything. he couldn't lose you too.

'i'll never smile again, until i smile at you.' he thinks to himself. 'please.. whatever god is up there, please save my partner.. i'm begging you..'

love really is the most twisted curse of all.

3:20 ——————————| -3:20

[seenfull]

I keep thinking about your F1 driver and what if he wins a race and stands on the podium with his race suit unzipped and wrapped around his hips because it's too uncomfortably tight so his belly is on full display in the straining compression shirt they wear below that. The fans on social media keep reposting close ups of it being like "Anyone else noticing he looks rounder than a few weeks ago?"

In the post race interview he's sat there in his team polo which is also turning embarrassingly tight, a bit of his belly peeking out where it flops over his waistband.

When he makes another podium a few weeks later, he struggles to get out of the cockpit for the podium celebration his (new) race suit too tight again. Fans are posting about how he needs to get his act together and post side by side comparisons from the beginning of the season.

The Team makes him excercise more and monitor closely what he eats but there is nothing keeping him from gorging himself on room service at the hotel so the numbers on the scale keep climbing up.

The side by side comparisons... ooof 😳 merciless!! Not sure if he'd be more humiliated or more aroused by reading his fans' comments— he should at least try to suck his belly in next time he's in front of the cameras, so the contrast between him and his teammate isn't that obvious...

[spore-loser]

Despite SJM’s excuses for him, there is no logical reason for Rhys’ treatment of Feyre UTM except getting to Tamlin.

“Working Tamlin into a senseless fury is the best weapon we have against [Amarantha].” 

Based on the extensive list of every horrible thing she had done already, Tamlin was always going to absolutely decimate Amarantha once he regained his power. He didn’t need one more reason. Also, how was something Rhys did supposed to make Tamlin mad at Amarantha?

“When you were hurt so badly against the Wyrm … I found my way in with you.” 

Rhys coerced Feyre into the bargain when there was no real reason for one in the first place. He could have helped her without it, like Lucien and the Lady of Autumn. Amarantha had no way of even knowing Rhys was helping Feyre without the bargain tattoo as visual proof. Anyone could have gone in and helped Feyre stay alive because she was not being guarded from visitors. Amarantha would only know Rhys was helping Feyre once the bargain was made.

“A way to defy Amarantha, to spread the seeds of hope to those who knew how to read the message, and a way to keep you alive without seeming too suspicious. // I made you dress like that so Amarantha wouldn’t suspect” 

Rhys made Amarantha suspicious in the first place by betting on Feyre during the wyrm trial. Making the bargain was visual proof he was helping and so would not throw off suspicion, only increase it. Bringing Feyre out to parade around would only make Amarantha even more suspicious because it was showing further interest in Feyre, regardless of abusive treatment.

“What have you done with my captive?” [Amarantha] said, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

Suspicion so not prevented. 😬

“[I] made you drink the wine so you would not remember the nightly horrors in that mountain.”

Feyre only witnessed those horrors because Rhys needlessly exposed her to them. Making her drink wine to forget was unnecessary as well because Rhys is a Daemati and could have used his power. He had no problem going into Feyre’s mind to scare Tamlin into letting her go, so why would he have one in the dire situation UTM?

Feyre needed out of her cell where she was breaking from the darkness/isolation and hearing screams from other prisoners.

As a Daemati, Rhys could have sent any image and sound to Feyre’s mind to get her mentally out of there. He could have physically had her taken out to “clean his room” or serve wine at the party or whatever other excuse.

Feyre needed to stretch her legs and move around instead of sitting inactive for weeks.

Dancing for hours every night until exhaustion, drinking to vomiting and lingering nausea throughout the next day, went in the opposite direction of that. It was harmful, outweighing the positive of getting Feyre out of her cell for excercise. It was not helpful in any way to her well-being. It made it harder for her to eat and to think about the answer to the riddle.

It stopped Amarantha from doing worse.

Amarantha was leaving Feyre alone between trials. The impossible tasks were given by Amarantha’s followers to mess with Feyre (and Rhys stopped them with no problem) but Amarantha herself ignored Feyre. 

“And that last night, when I found you two in the hall … I was jealous. I was jealous of him, and pissed off that he’d used that one shot of being unnoticed not to get you out, but to be with you,”

Tamlin could not have gotten Feyre out. Once she accepted Amarantha’s bargain, Feyre had no choice but to stay and see it through. There was no other way for Prythian’s freedom, either. The whole reason Rhys said he was doing all those things was because Feyre was their only hope.

“I decided, then and there, that I was going to fight. And I would fight dirty, and kill and torture and manipulate, but I was going to fight. If there was a shot of freeing us from Amarantha, you were it.”

And speaking of that, there was no logical reason for Rhys to invade Feyre’s mind before UTM and use it to humiliate her in front of Tamlin and Lucien.

“And I decided that I had to scare Tamlin (…) I made Tamlin beg—as Amarantha had made me beg, to show him how powerless he was to save you. And I prayed my performance was enough to get him to send you away. Back to the human realm, away from Amarantha. (…) If you broke that curse, she was going to find you and kill you.”

Amarantha was no match for Tamlin once he had his power back. So how exactly was she going to get to Feyre once the curse was broken? Feyre would be safer with Tamlin when his whole courts’ power was restored. The best thing to do would have been to keep Feyre a secret from Amarantha and let her and Tamlin grow closer and break the curse. That was Prythian’s biggest chance at freedom and scaring him into sending her away would only guarantee Amarantha stayed in power. It wouldn’t even have ensured Feyre’s safety because the KoH would have taken over without opposition soon after anyway.

And a reminder of what Rhys put Feyre through and never apologized for, only made excuses for that are easily debunked:

“Drink. You’ll need it.” Drink, my mind echoed, and my fingers stirred, moving toward the goblet. No. No, Alis said not to drink the wine here—wine that was different from that joyous, freeing solstice wine. “No,” I said, and some faeries who were watching us from a safe distance chuckled. “Drink,” he said, and my traitorous fingers latched onto the goblet.

“He had you dance for him for most of the night. And when you weren’t dancing, you were sitting in his lap.” “What kind of dancing?” I pushed. “Not the kind you were doing with Tamlin on Solstice,” Lucien said, and my face heated. (…) “In front of everyone?” “Yes,” Lucien replied—more gently than I’d heard him speak to me before.

Rhys making Feyre do that is sexual exploitation. It is sexual abuse.

I awoke in my cell, still clad in that handkerchief he called a dress. Everything was spinning so badly that I barely made it to the corner before I vomited. Again. And again. When I’d emptied my stomach, I crawled to the opposite corner of the cell and collapsed. Sleep came fitfully as the world continued to twirl violently around me. I was tied to a spinning wheel, going around and around and around— Needless to say, I was sick a fair amount that day.

Binge drinking is a serious thing. A person binge drinking can die from alcohol poisoning or choking on their own vomit after they have passed out.

“Shit,” said Lucien. “It’s freezing in here.” It was, but I was too nauseated to notice. Keeping my head up was an effort, let alone keeping the food down. He unclasped his cloak and set it around my shoulders. Its heavy warmth leaked into me.

Feyre was left underdressed in her cold cell… for what reason? She was not guarded from guests, Rhys could get into the minds of any guard, and Amarantha never went there, so Amarantha would have no way of knowing if Rhys had Feyre’s clothes returned to her.

Night after night, I was dressed in the same way and made to accompany Rhysand to the throne room. (…) I woke with vague shards of memories—of dancing between Rhysand’s legs as he sat in a chair and laughed; of his hands, stained blue from the places they touched on my waist, my arms, but somehow, never more than that. He had me dance until I was sick, and once I was done retching, told me to begin dancing again. I awoke ill and exhausted each morning, and though Rhysand’s order to the guards had indeed held, the nightly activities left me thoroughly drained. I spent my days sleeping off the faerie wine, dozing to escape the humiliation I endured.

Even if Rhys touched Feyre “somehow never more than that”, it is still assault. Her autonomy was taken away and she never gave consent to anything. Feyre willingly drinking wine after the fact was not consent, it was a victim trying to survive mentally in an abusive situation that she was given no choice but to suffer.

“And a way to get back at Tamlin … To use him against Amarantha, yes, but … To get back at him for my mother and sister, and for … having you.” 

Rhys admitted he wanted to get back at Tamlin. With every one of his excuses debunked, this reason is the only ones that stands.

[thinkpink212]

A Mini Guide To Better Sleep

According to Why We Sleep By Matthew Walker

Consistancy is key Try to create a pre-sleep routine and set a consistant schedule. This means waking and sleeping at the same time everyday (yes even on weekends). I personally set an alarm for when to start my skincare and overall unwind 45min before my bedtime.

The importance of movement Avoid excercising 2-3 hours before bed, but know that it is important to move your body - specifically 30min on most days. I find that 3 times a week, varying between swimming, yoga and gym reps keep me both strong, flexible and in shape.

Vices to Avoid Cafeeen, alcohol and nicoteen (or smoking in general) should be avoided 6-7 hours before sleep, for the simple reason that they interupt the REM sleep cyle. REM is where our body, mind and memory is rested and restored the most. Smokers also tend to exite the brain even though it feels like it's doing the opposite, and any withdrawl for a few too many hours always results in cravings that can cause frequent wake-ups (to smokers)

Not too much consumption Try not to eat too close to bedtime, as it takes the body a lot of energy to digest. Sleeping right after eating can cause stomech issues, indigestion and heartburns (and more). As for large amounts of liquids, it is best to avoid drinking too much before bed as it will wake you to urinate. I usually stop any water consumption 45min before bed.

No naps passed 3pm Streight forward, any naps after 3pm will make it difficult for most to sleep once night comes. For some it is as easly as 1pm, which is why many places have siestas where most people sleep after lunch, around 12. Napping is a great way to help regain some energy, especially when tired. Ignoring fattigue can also result in health problems later down the line, so if you feel tired, try to take a nap or go to bed earlier.

Before Bed - Routine Attempt to relax a few minutes before bed - I usually take off 30-45min to do my skincare, read, light cleaning and organizing. This is also a good time for you to write down any thoughts that may take up too much time before bed, listen to some relaxing music or podcast.

The perfect enviorment Allowing fresh cooler air into your room before bed can help your body temperature rise to the perfect degree for optimal sleep. This, combined with a warm bath before bed (30min before) can also be a great combination. Avoid bright lights (especially blue lights from screens) and consider investing in a good pair of sleep mask, earplugs if you are a lighter sleeper and blackout curtains. If you like background noise, look into sleep machines with a wide range of sounds to choose from to avoid having to use your phone.

Reading this book made me realize how little sleep we get, compared to how much we need for everyday, and more complex things in life. There are no downsides to getting more and better sleep, only a well rested body and mind - especially if you follow the recomended 8-10 hours. Happy Sleeping

[painterofhorizons]

(post Akuze rehab banter)

The first acute pain flare up James witnessed in Reda completely shifted his perception of where in her recovery process she was, and what side effects clouded the way for her. For him, it was pretty straight forward: wrack ACL, get surgery, let the shit heal, build back mobility and strength, be done. He had let himself be fooled at first to assume the same was true for Reda – having met her during a relatively good episode. But he was quickly brought back down to earth witnessing her state over the past few days.

Now, on the end of day four since the flare up, he finally began to see some light at the end of the tunnel. While Reda was still bed bound, at least she was sitting, she didn’t need sensory depriving aids anymore, and pain management seemed to be working. She was even up for some light conversation, or at least endured him talking bullshit to keep her entertained. She’d even signed a few words.

All the things he’d taken for granted with her just days ago – sitting, walking, talking, excercising. Until that house of cards had collapsed, because things just weren’t that simple.

James insisted on keeping her company during his time off, spending the free time in between treatment by her bed, even though she’d told him he didn’t need to waste his time like this. He’d swallowed the impulse to argue with her about that and just reassured her it was fine for him. Because it was, and it felt like the most valuable thing he could do with his free time at this very moment.

And he didn’t intend to leave just now.

When the door swooshed open and nurse Kalyani entered the room carrying a small tray of jelly, James sat up a little more upright, trying to get himself into a posture that was slightly more impressive, a little more manly, and put up his best flirty face. He’d seen the disgusted microexpression on Reda’s face knowing what was to come, and he was eager to brighten the mood by hook or by crook.

He gestured towards the tray.

“Hey, any chance I can get one of those?”

Reda frowned at his words, but her eyes were rivet to the object of her hatred sitting on the table board in front of her. Jelly time was a nightmare. Eating, in general, was. But this tasteless, gunky, undefined substance of nauseating consistence was a particular joy four times a day for her, when she was taken out by pain or other complications.

Kalyani side-eyed the bulky marine in the chair beside her patient’s bed. She’d seen him around here a number of times by now, and while she was no fan of his attitude, as long as he kept a low profile towards Reda she tolerated his presence, knowing having a friendly face around was beneficial for her.

“Pretty please?”, James added with a smirk on his lips.

Kalyani handed him one of the spare cups of clear jelly from the tray.

The smirk on James’ face grew into a grin. “Any chance I could get a bigger one, you know, proper for my size?” He gestured with both hands forming a circle around the tiny cup that was about eight times the diameter.

“Don’t stretch your luck, Mr. Vega.”

Reda slid her own tiny cup of jelly down the table towards James, and earned a warning glance from the nurse.

“And you don’t stretch my patience, Reda”, Kalyani dunned her.

“Worth a try”, Reda muttered, making James snicker.

“No worries, nurse Kalyani, I’ll make sure to not touch hers. Even if you hurt my feelings with this tiny portion of a deliciously tasteless treat.”

Kalyani snorted and shook her head. Then, looking at Reda, she said “I’ll be back at half past with your meds.”

[unchained-hound-dog]

Request by @princessmermaid1289 : My idea was maybe her and Jack are hanging out with friends like a pool day and she’s feeling insecure but Jack doesn’t notice , or shopping, or maybe she starts a gym routine (like I’m working out 6 days a week with a strict diet) and he gets worried about her

----

TW: for talks about over exercising and insecurities around body.

Jack was woken by your alarm blaring, he felt you move around as you quickly shut the alarm off and got out of bed. He opened one eye and quickly checked the time on his phone, 6am. He tried to rack his brain as to what plans you had that day that would warrant you needing to be up at such an unusal time on a Saturday but before he could think too much, sleep overtook him and he fell asleep.

You quickly threw on your gym clothes you'd laid out the night before and headed down to the home gym, you began following a routine you'd found online.

Once you were done working out, you heading into the kitchen and began making yourself breakfast, something healthy. You were just about done eating when Jack appeared in the doorway, his eyes met yours as you stood up, plate in hand.

'Morning' you smiled as you loaded the dishwasher.

'You got up at 6am to make breakfast?' he stood in his boxers, one hand rubbing at his bare chest and the other holding his phone.

'No, I got up at 6am to work out' you smiled, leaning on the kitchen countertop 'can I make you something to eat?' you smiled at him

'I'm good, why'd you get up so early? We could of done it together y'know'

'Yeah I know but I'm gunna do another workout later so we can do that one together' you smiled as you turned to make yourself a coffee.

Jack's eyebrows furrowed together, he didn't want to comment on the fact you were going to be doing 2 workouts in one day, he just let it go. But he knew there was something off, you weren't the type to excessively excercise.

-

It had been about a week, you'd been working out a lot and eating healthier, but Jack was beginning to get really worried about you. He'd noticed how the early mornings and sometimes multiple workouts a day were making you tired and how most of the food in the kitchen was vegetables and hardly any of the normal stuff you'd buy.

Finishing up in the studio, Jack headed home and entered the house. He could hear music playing from the kitchen and found you cooking, your back to him as you sang along to the music. Vegetables sat on a chopping board beside you and you were wearing workout clothing, leading him to assume you'd not long finished a workout. He set his keys down on the counter, the jingle going unnoticed by you as the music was so loud.

You continued singing, moving your hips to the music when you suddenly felt light headed, your body swayed to one side before you began falling to the floor, however the harsh landing you braced for never came and instead you landed in Jack's arms.

'Y/N are you okay?!' Jack helped you stand straight and took your weight as you regained yourself.

'Y-Yeah I'm f-fine'

'You're not fine. You've been working out way too much and you're not eating enough!' he snapped, his concern for you coming across as anger as his voice was raised, causing tears to well inyour eyes.

'I'm fine Jack!; your voice was firm as you turned but your legs still felt jelly-like and so you fell back against Jack.

'You're not fine and I need to know what's going on so i can help you' he explained, moving so you could sit at the dinner table.

'What's with your working out a lot more, and the healthy eating? Did I say something to make you feel like this is how you should be?' Jack was concerned a passing comment that he didn't even remember making had made you feel like you needed to change for him.

'No! Baby it's nothing you said. Last week when we were at the beach-house, everyone was wearing their bikinis and didn't seem to care about their bodies and I just got a little insecure and felt like I needed to change' your voice shook at the end, a tear falling from your eye.

'Hey, you don't ever need to change. Not for me or for anyone else. You're perfect the way you are baby' he smiled, pressing a kiss to your head as you hugged him.

'I'm sorry if I worried you' you sighed, pressing your cheek against his chest'

'It's fine, just promise me you'll stop doing the most?'

'Promise' you smiled up at him, pressing a kiss to his lips.

[friend-shaped-but]

Dhṛṣṭadyumna

I wrote this fun thing as a gift for @chucklingmaniacally AND as a writing excercise to get this character down.

tw for the usual mahabharat stuff of war and death+self-loathing and mild dissociation

They were born with a sword in their hand. They arise out of the fire, with no goal except vengeance. They are told they are a prince, the crown prince, even. Shikhandi stares at the ceremony from the gallery above, making no secret of his bitterness. Satyajit stands beside the throne, resigned. So, he was regent of Panchal, but now, he has gone back to being the spare. For a second, they feel good. They were chosen over others like Satyajit, who handled the kingdom and his father’s absence and his brothers’ hurts. Over Shikhandi, who brought many victories to Panchal, and was pushed aside because of one loss, or even Yudhamanyu and Uttamaujas. But father seems to forget about them half the time, so they do not pay the twins any mind either. Draupadi is the only one smiling encouragingly at them as they are crowned the yuvaraj, everyone else looking at them with either doubt, resignation, or even outright hatred. Dhṛṣṭadyumna feels that everyone is justified in hating him. It’s okay, they hate themself too. 

They are proud. Too proud, in fact, to ask for help. They secretly feel relieved when Satyajit catches an error in the budget that could have cost an already bankrupt Panchal even more. For the first time, they see that calm visage cracking as he berates father for it. Berates father for making them crown prince, tells him off about how they are inexperienced and naive and should not be in the position they are in. Should they have asked father to hold off, give them time, time to adjust to this new world, time to learn all the skills a prince should have? They shake off that thought. They need to carry out father’s desires, they are only there to kill Drona, nothing else. A weapon does not question the hand that wields it. They do not feel like a prince, they never have. They are only a prince by virtue of being the child of a king who looks vaguely male because a man makes a better weapon than a woman. They’ve always felt like a weapon. 

“Why was I spawned, why did you need me if you already had so many sons?” They ask the king. 

“They weren’t you” The king says, but Dhṛṣṭadyumna hears, ‘they were not weapon enough’. They hope they can be weapon enough. 

They’re not human, so sometimes they forget to breathe.

When none of their brothers talk to them at first, it makes them feel something strange in their chest. So they spend their time in the armoury of the Eastern wing of the palace, barely remembering to eat and sleeping on a bench there, training all day, sometimes into the night. Forgetting to blink, sometimes even to breathe. They need to be good. They need to make the king proud. That is what they were born for, right? Dhṛṣṭadyumna, the blade of Panchal, and Agn-Draupadi, it’s Soubhagya. Even now, the name agnija seems closer to them than Draupadi. She’s effervescent, effulgent, blazing like the fire of a yajna. She gets along with everyone, with her innocence and enthusiasm and good nature and self respect and smile. He loves her smile. They both diverge after emerging from the fire, him going after his father, his king, while she is taken away by the attendants who rush to make her presentable.  Yajnaseni. That’s what shikhandi calls her, whenever they get a chance to talk. Panchali, Satyajit calls her, after their homeland. The thing dearest to him. After all, for what do they exist but to be figurines the humans can project their desires onto? So, in public, they call her Draupadi, the daughter of Drupad, and she calls them Dhṛṣṭadyumna, his avenger. In private, however, the word agnija slips as easily from their tongue as Ushna slips from hers. 

And then, the palace feels too suffocating and thoughtlessly, they take a horse and wander off into the woods. The horse runs really fast, until it can’t. But the itch on their skin, the feeling like they’re trapped and trapped and about to explode- that hasn’t faded yet, so they dismount and walk ahead on foot. They’ve been a fool. The clouds were already greying when they set out, sunny afternoon quickly turning into a stormy evening and wrecking havoc all across the forest.  They slip and fall and steady themself and bump into trees and- They don’t know when the world goes black. 

The ground is still muddy when they feel someone shaking them awake. 

“You-” They look at Shikhandi, confused. Didn’t he hate them? “How-” 

“I’m your brother, what was I to do, leave you to die?” He laughs. “Get up!”  

“Come on, I’ll show you the way out,” he says again when they hesitate. 

They take the hand offered to them, and get up, shaking. The forest directly at the back of the castle was allowed to grow wild as a defence. Contrary to what people might believe, Kampilya was not a capital fashioned out of nothing when they had to pack up and move south, it was the winter capital of Panchal, a palace built more for leisure than work. Yudhamanyu and Uttamaujas had painstakingly made it a place worthy of ruling a kingdom from, while Satyajit ruled the kingdom and Shikhandi- Shikhandi was still reeling from the defeat. They don’t come out of the forest the way they went in, instead, coming out at a plateau at the northwestern edge of the city. A ramshackle bridge that clearly hasn’t been used in years is suspended across the valley, and on the other end of it, they see a bright flash of  the signature orangey red that Agnijaa wears. She’s waving excitedly, and all they can do is look down at the gorge between them. Gingerly, carefully, Shikhandi leads them across, their hand on his arm, still not recovered from the shock of being actually acknowledged by the others. They’re barely on solid ground when the orangey red blur hugs them tight. 

“I was worried sick!” she wails, tears in her eyes. “If anything is bothering you, tell me, please! I promise I will try to understand! Don’t go away like this!”

With dirt in their nails, they place a hand on her cheek for a moment before nodding. It was okay if they lied to others, right? They lied to themself all the time. 

Their brothers are kinder to them, after that. Shikhandi trains with them, sometimes nagging, sometimes ruthless, sometimes easily bent, but always punctual. He checks whether they have slept in an actual bedroom rather than the bench on the armoury. He pays attention to every clench of their jaw, to every curl of their fist. And asks questions. Sometimes they serve to irk, sometimes to soothe. Soon, they pick up what he’s putting down and begin doing the same for him. It’s fun to get under his skin. Except for topics they know not to touch. 

Satyajit is more patient, now, teaching them everything he knows. Telling them stories, telling them about the family. It is at that moment they realise that Kampilya is only a capital for the others, but for them? It is the only home they have known. They decide to make the big empty house into a home. Maybe their brothers will be happy. 

They do not know if they are a man, but they’ll always be a brother. 

Out of all of them, Draupadi is the first to get married. Shikhandi  places a gentle hand on their shoulder and tells them that that feeling in their chest is called sadness. It’s okay, their twin, half of their soul is going away. It is natural that they would feel sad, he says. Can weapons feel sad, they wonder. ‘No, but twins can. Brothers can.’ another part answers. In the silence of the night, they weep. When they forget to breathe a few days later, they actually feel out of breath. 

The next to get married is Shikhandi, with an epic love story. A warrior princess, a murder attempt, almost a war- Father trusts them to make decisions on the matter. Shikhandi trusts them to make decisions that make sure everyone escapes with minimal damage. So they place the princess under house arrest, and stand guard day and night. 

And then it’s their own turn, with no flashy alliances, no grand love stories, just a nobleman’s daughter and twins on the way. 

“I do not think I can give you love,” they say. 

“Being Yuvarajni is enough, I think,” She smiles. “Power can compensate for many things,” she says. 

Krishna. They sigh every time the name is mentioned. He is annoying, he drapes himself across the sofa, they cannot find words to describe him, and he trash talks them, and they give as good as they get. He teases them, attempts to make them ‘lighten up,’ attempts to get under their skin. The tricks do not work on them, for they have already been annoyed in all the ways possible by a variety of brothers. What’s one more? What really gets under their skin, though, is the fact that he can read Agnijaa like they can’t. They know there is no one else to blame for the ever-growing chasm between them, and they have resigned themself to it. It’s like everything else, it has to be thought about in parts. A part of them is happy she has someone. She deserves it. She deserves the world. Another part of them, a much deeper, much more hidden one, is bitter that they couldn’t be that person, and they know there is no one else to blame but themself. 

Years pass, the children grow up. She is Samrajni, and they are just the crown prince. It makes them smile. Sometimes, they almost believe they fit into their role. Every day brings a new surprise, what with father giving the three of them more and more responsibilities. Panchal expands south, with Jarasandha gone. They find a friend in their brother-in-law, and a sister in Shikhandi’s wife Shalaka. They can almost forget why they were born. They can almost forget why Kampilya is the only home they have ever known, and the rest yearn for the old capital. They can almost forget. Like a prisoner in a cell that is way too small, stretching their hand toward a skylight too high up on the ceiling, they can dream of happiness. A weapon is burnt and shaped and sharpened and polished when it grows dull. How could they forget who they were, they ask themself. Destiny pushed the sword into the furnace, and then it was never the same again.  

Oh, but they forgot, they are a weapon, they ruin everything they touch.

The news from Hastinapur is horrific. And to their dying day, they will keep it a secret that they have felt everything she did. The twins of Drupad’s family had a special connection. Emotions experienced by one twin were felt by the other, and, in some extreme cases, manifested physically. Burning with fever, they lie in bed, waiting for news. When the hot waves of fever wracking their body recede, they wrap themself up, and head to the bathroom. The water would be scalding to anyone else, but the steam and temperature welcome them with open arms as they step into the bathtub, clothes still on. They lean against the back of the tub, arms snaking around the sides to hold them. Sitting in the hot water, they finally feel like they can breathe. The first breath is shaky. It’s all salty cheeks and quivering lips, and they want to get rid of the tear tracks. They hold water in their cupped hands, splash it onto their face, and scrub it with their hands until the layer of grime has finally passed and the throbbing in their forehead has numbed. The tears that come then aren’t loud sobs or quiet sniffles. They just are. They flow from their eyes until they lose track of time and stop only when they realise they need to breathe. They sit there, unblinking, zoning in and out. They do not have it in them to be anxious. 

They think they have failed, and maybe they have. Agnijaa does not look them in the eye at first when they go to visit her with father. They grit their teeth, make oaths to decimate all who hurt her, and with dirt in her nails, she places a hand on their cheek and gently shakes her head. They turn her head this way and that, inspect the now-bandaged injuries. They are, again, and again, and again, reminded of the extremely frustrating fact that weapons don’t feel, but brothers do, and those two aspects of their person are always in conflict, will always be, and- and it is becoming harder and harder to survive without breathing, these days. They still keep forgetting, though. One day, they hope they can be human enough. 

They play with their children, train them. Drishtaketu looks exactly like them, and his fraternal twin Dhoomaketu takes after Shashikala. They are the strong hand on Prativindhya’s shoulder, pushing him out of the darkness that clouds his life, they are the voice that reminds him, “You are not your father.” They are the shoulders Sutasoma leans on as he regains his strength after his illness. They are the shoulders Shrutakarma rides on, and the armoured chest Shatanik practises sword strokes on. They are the chest Shrutasen runs into when he sees them after a long, long spy mission. Maybe weapons don’t love, but fathers and uncles certainly do. So they love the children. 

Oh, but they forgot, they are a weapon, they ruin everything they touch.

Soon enough, the conches and war drums sound. Their hackles are raised back up, and their back straightens as they are made the commander-in-chief of the Pandava forces. They are not fighting for him, they are fighting for her. They have nothing to lose. Except their brothers, and their father, and their sons, and- Those thoughts are pushed away as they become weapon again. Pure weapon. But it all comes to a head, one day, when Krishna says something they cannot abide by. They have to remind him that they are the commander, not him. They walk out of the meeting, they refuse to go out on the battlefield.  They do not know who it is that cries “Attack!” on the fifteenth day. It is a man in their armour. His voice matches theirs. Drishtaketu.  That is the first and last time they feel fear. A messenger tells them that their son has been skewered like a piece of meat. 

“Who did it?”  They ask. 

“Commander Drona,” The messenger says. 

And the noise in their head recedes as they ride out to battle. It seems that they cannot, after all, fight their destiny. That man has killed their son. He has to die. When they reach, though, Father is locked in a battle with him. They know how this will end. It ends with a poisoned arrow in his king’s chest. The weapon is now guided by a ghost. Drona rides ahead, decimating the army. Cutting down their other son who stands in his way. The panchal troops are on the frontline today, and the emperor has to be protected. 

Divyaketu.

Kshatranjaya.

Drishtaketu. 

Drupada.

And the weapon remembers. Dhṛṣṭadyumna couldn’t believe that father was having children at the same time as them. Kumara and Panchalya had always been more his sons than brothers. The Emperor’s guards are dead. 

Kumara. 

Panchalya. 

Shatrunjaya.

They are a father. He killed their sons.

They are a child. He killed their father.

They are a big brother. He killed their little brothers. 

He shall not live. 

They nod at Krishna. 

“Ashwatthama is dead!” Bheem roars, as an elephant falls on the ground. The target sits down to meditate, and the weapon stands there, poised. The target takes a deep breath.

Ice fills their veins. 

The beheading is clean.

The beheading of the one who killed their brothers is too pristine, they feel. They should've been crueller, it was in their name.

Shalaka dislodges the sword from their white-knucled grip and sets it aside. She undoes the straps on their armour, and places a ghost of a gentle hand on their head when they confess that yes, they miss Shashikala so very much. Can the weapon finally be human now? They want to say no, but destiny says yes, when, three days later, they're struggling to breathe, begging the assailant to treat them honourably and kill them quickly. 

They’re human now. Humans cannot survive without air.