#i need a support network and i don't have one irl

[tic-loud-tic-proud]

10 Tips for people with klazomania (screaming tics)

1, and this is one that has changed my life: if you have very frequent shouting/screaming tics, DO VOCAL WARMUPS! I used to consistently lose my voice at the end of every day before I started doing this. There are plenty of short and simple warmup tutorials online- find one that works for you!

2, if you live in an apartment building, make sure to tell your neighbors. You don't need to explicitly tell them you have TS, but make sure they know you make loud sounds frequently so they're not concerned. Putting a sign on your door also works. Remember: in the USA it is illegal for landlords to evict someone solely because of a disability.

3, if you're heading off to college and plan on living in a dormitory you might want to request not having a roommate. If you are already diagnosed with a tic disorder, it should be easy to do this through your college's disability services office. If you would like to have a roommate make sure they understand your tics.

4, if you are planning on going out (to a restaurant, theme park, museum, etc.) you might want to call the staff of the location to inform them you have tics a few days before. I usually call ahead to restaurants to let them know about my klazomania and coprolalia tics and I've found that doing so makes it easier for both parties.

5, going off of 4, if you're going to a theme park or large museum and plan to suppress at least part of the time, get a map and mark off secluded places where you can safely let your tics out.

6, if you'd like you can bring a stuffed animal out in public with you: both for emotional support and to muffle the sound of loud tics.

7, if you're a middle or high school student, email your teachers to let them know about your tics. If you have moderate/severe tics it was very important to me that I gave a presentation to each of my classes at the beginning of each semester to teach them about my TS. Another accommodation that I got in high school was being allowed to zoom into my classes instead of attending in person: So on bad tic days I would stay home, and my teachers would broadcast the class over zoom for me.

8, drink lots of water and purchase a humidifier if possible. At the end of a long day drinking fluid and being in a more humid environment will help to soothe your voice. Herbal tea with honey or mild broths can also help soothe your voice!

9, have a good network of friends who understand and support you. This is no easy feat and can take years but it will have a huge impact on your quality of life. Join a support group (IRL or online) to talk to other people with tics who understand what you're going through, and find people who share your hobbies and interests!

10, remember that your tics don't define who you are! It is not your fault that you have tics, and you are not doing them on purpose. Don't feel guilty for something you have no control over. You deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life just like anyone else!

[gatheredfates]

Hi everyone and happy weekend! I'm drowning at work, but I wanted to put out a Compendium update—thank you to everyone who submitted! I don't think I missed anyone but, if I did, I'll update accordingly. ✨

As of 08/10, the following communities have been added to Sea's Community Compendium for XIV Creatives.

LARGE-SCALE COMMUNITY DISCORDS / SPACES

Final Fantasy XIV Ontario — This server was created to connect gamers in (or near) Ontario, Canada who love playing Final Fantasy XIV. Events include monthly map nights and irl meetups!

COMMUNITY FOCUSED / EVENT SPACES

Dragonhead — An open-world roleplay event for Ishgardians (and their neighbours).

Echelons of Etheirys — A community fostering political and court life roleplay in the world of Final Fantasy XIV, featuring regency-inspired tropes and themes; located on the North American data centre.

Buscarron's Druthers — A weekly roleplay community effort to encourage in-character, open-world engagement in the South Shroud and beyond.

The Bloodsands — Interested in combat RP? We have the place for you!

Lark's — An Ishgardian club for men.

The Regency — A gentleman's club.

Eorzean Museum Network — A network of free, player-run, venues; encouraging, supporting, and growing cultural venues and events anywhere in the FFXIV community.

Azure Moon Lounge — A welcome respite from the elements, the room is always cool and the drinks are plenty. Hosted by @rhela-xiv.

MISC

Compendium of Non-Weapon Held Objects — This is an ever-growing compendium of non-weapon held objects found in FFXIV for modders and gposers to reference. It includes a description of the object, the set/base/variant for adding it in Ktisis/Anamnesis/Brio, as well other technical information. This database is currently maintained by Nhaneh, Ainyan, and Pointyhats.

Have you thought about joining our Tumblr Community? You can find it here!

Want to submit? You can either fill out the google form here or send me an ask with the relevant information!

Is my space suitable for the Compendium? Most of the time, yes! Below the read more is some more information/stipulations. This is all publicly available on the document.

Below are the following things I do not accept on the Compendium:

Personal/Single-Character LFC ads. (Though these get posted to the SEAFLOOR Tumblr Community when I find them!)

Content intended for or can be used for bullying, harassment and OOC gossip. E.g. ‘Secrets’ blogs, receipts, callout posts, etc. This does not include IC tabloid blogs or other ventures used to generate roleplay.

Communities that do not have an RP/writing element (large-scale exempt).

Anything I find personally distasteful or goes against the spirit of this project.

Common-sense rule applies.

I want to put my community on the Compendium but we have an application process. Is this okay?

Yes! Just note somewhere in your application that's a requirement. The only thing that is mandatory for the Compendium is that you must be open to new members or have a public-facing/accessible facet. There's no point advertising a community if no one can join it in some way!

I want to put my Community on the compendium but I only have x number of members —

Also totally okay! People don't start with large communities. Activity is a must but, whether your server has two or two thousand members, if you're looking for new people to join, I'd love to help you find people.

I want to put my community/resource on the Compendium but I worry its too niche?

Okay, and? If your Eorzean Fishing Alliance has four members but you roleplay every second weekend, I still want to know about it. The same goes for resources; if it's relevant to the game, it'll be useful to someone.

How active does a community need to be?

If you find a community has not been active in about two/three months, send me a message and I'll take a look at it. Communities have ebbs and flows, especially event spaces that may take hiatuses depending on member interest/life events. I'm not strict in my implementation provided a space isn't dead. If a link or anything is broken, contact me asap!

I have [insert a question not stated here]?

No drama! Send me an ask or use the #Compendium channel in my Discord!

[thewickedbohemian]

Hyperspecific poll for opinions on fandoms (as opposed to the last one I did which was relationship with fandom as a whole)

Some explanations

my theory of the Tonys having anti-teen bias is evidenced by snubs of various kinds for shows like Starmites, The Lightning Thief and Be More Chill and Dear Evan Hansen only swept imho despite this because (despite how its own movie would end up turning out) it's kinda the Broadway equivalent of an Oscarbait movie

the thing about changing the HP-related things' names is e.g. the only reason the irl quidditch league or w/e should have changed the sport name to quadball is the adjustment needed for Muggles to play and since in concept and using-house-symbols the sortinghatchats system still shows its HP influence, it shouldn't have dropped house labels

what I mean about the Eureka thing is that I have a theory that due to things like when Eureka was founded, the kind of people it attracts and the endogamy implied by its secrecy, not a lot of people in town know much of anything about Aspergers/"high-functioning" autism/"low-support" autism despite how many people in town would probably test as having it so only a case of autism as severe as pre-time-jump Kevin would register to most Eurekans as autism (and he didn't get cured he just got higher-functioning/lower-support, still doesn't explain how a timeline jump changed that though)

She-Hulk's show not only deserved more seasons but longer ones, think of what it could have got on a network instead of a streaming service

[nothlits]

Mutual Aid Request 🥲

I hate to do this, especially since I am no one and I do not create content or really provide anything in any online space anymore, but I don't know really what else to do and I have a very small support network irl.

The short of it is: I need $3,400 worth of dental work and I risk jaw infections and other equally horrible things if I can't get all of this done in a timely manner.

The long of it is: After suffering a prolonged mental breakdown, I'm unemployed and in college full time for an environmental science BS specializing in biology. School takes up quite literally all of my time because it is so intensive. My fiance supports both of us but just barely and we are very low income. I don't have dental insurance.

My credit card is nearly maxed from medical expenses, gas, groceries, things for my pets, and other living expenses since I don't have income and try to pay for what I can so I don't pile things on my fiance. I do have $500 in care credit available I plan to use and my grandparents have graciously offered to help me pay that back once payments start.

I am type 2 diabetic so I'm also immunocompromised and at higher risk of infection complications.

I am already missing 4 teeth due to prior extractions and now two of my wisdom teeth are sideways and one of those is broken at the gumline, causing extreme pain and infection. I've already taken a round of antibiotics I had to shell out $140 for at a minute clinic and have to urgently get the broken wisdom tooth and the molar next to it extracted (today, 10/5) for $550 to stop infection spread and pain.

The rest of the $3,400 cost is other extractions, fillings, one crown, bone grafts for my jaw, deep cleaning, and because I will be missing so many teeth, partial dentures to maintain bite alignment and the ability to eat normally.

This price is on the lowest sliding scale schedule at a low income clinic and I was originally quoted double this before I proved I have no income. So this is the lowest price and most financial assistance they can give me.

I don't like being this vulnerable online about my life or health and I don't expect this to pick up much traction, but I'm at somewhat of a loss of what else to do.

Sharing is extremely appreciated. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Cashapp - izzykh1

Venmo - izzykh

🩷 Current progress: 1097/3400 (includes the 500 I have credit for)

[outrunningthedark]

There's literally zero suggestion that Ryan is uncomfortable portraying a queer character compared to Oliver. IDK what your anon is talking about. Like you said he acknowledged the difficulty of getting a storyline like that out to the GA due to toxic masculinity and homophobia but those are just the facts on the ground not an indication that he's personally opposed. Oliver's good at giving diplomatic soundbites to the fandom and cultivating a persona online, Ryan's more blunt and he answered honestly that's the key difference here. Their chemistry has never been denied, Oliver didn't say anything particularly revolutionary, the question is whether there's a serious intent to act on that to create a romantic storyline and I would have to say I agree with Ryan I don't see it happening. There's really no need to be like oh we know Oliver's cool but who knows about Ryan because it's like based on what exactly? Him stating facts that none of this was planned and it's unlikely the writers/creators will pivot?

Honestly I get a little uncomfortable with the way some people ascribe certain views and attitudes to Ryan while simultaneously blowing smoke up Oliver's supposedly enlightened ass, it feels a little prejudiced and in bad faith.

(This isn't aimed at you, I think you're very fair and I agree with you almost all the time. It's just a comment at the language I see used and the implications when this is brought up)

Just want to thank you for reiterating my point because it's something I think is going to have to be repeated over time as each season passes without Eddie being Repressed or Buddie going canon. We don't know how Ryan feels about the Buddie as a legit ship, whether he wants the show to go for it or not, because he doesn't approach the subject the way the fandom wishes he would. He's matter-of-fact. He's realistic. He's seen enough within the industry and in his own life (upbringing and friends he may have made along the way) to understand the tough spot the show put itself in by making neither Buck nor Eddie queer from the start. TBH, R "vs." O is not unlike the way older members of our fandom try to interact with/educate the younger ones. So many here have grown up in a time when queer representation is becoming "the standard" even if TV shows aren't making it past the second season. But those of us who remember the *really* dark days aren't scared to talk about the ages of the folks running these networks or the demographic they're making the shows for impacting how they envision a story line and ensure it plays out. Oliver represents the younger fandom. He understands why fans he's interacted with love the ship and would say yes in a second. Ryan is the rest of us going "Do you hear yourself right now? Do you really think Buddie is as popular IRL as it is online?" There is value in Oliver publicly supporting Buddie, absolutely. But there is also value in having someone speak in a way that aims to prevent fans from getting their hopes up over a story line that may never come true. Ryan is not trying to discourage you. He's trying to protect you and your feelings.

[eroticcannibal]

Have you perhaps considered that just maybe, as a white convert you are exactly the kind of vulnerable target most susceptible to zionist propaganda and are just drinking the koolaid and being radicalized. Like, asking this very genuinely because A Lot of the people I see becoming radicalized into becoming zionist sympathizers recently are very specifically white converts who are seeking acceptance and community and who don't have a large IRL jewish support network to fall back on. Zionists very specifically target converts because they're uniquely vulnerable in these ways whereas some of the most outspoken voices against zionism are racial&cultural jews who not only deeply understand and have lived through this history while also having a large IRL jewish community as a support network and therefore have an easier time spotting and dismantling zionist bullshit and thats not a coincidence. No one is immune to propaganda and you're very clearly sliding down the pipeline because zionists see that your new to judiasim and flatter and feed the want and need for acceptance and community and are super nicies to you on purpose because there's a giant red target on your forehead that identifies you as easily manipulated and primed for indoctrination. There's a reason terfs are kind and accepting and sympathetic to trans men and theres a reason why so many zionists are reaching out to converts specifically

If you want to address this at me and not the white convert you have made up in your head, you may want to address things ive actually said, views I actually hold and people I am actually in contact with.

There are no evil zionists lurking in my DMs trying to convince me that genocide is good.

[vwritesaus]

how do you think Anna and her parents relationship will be post Christopher death? And if you think Gabriel and Cecily will have a strain on their relationship toward each other due the loss of a child

~

this is such an interesting question, and one i've been wondering about myself for quite some time. thank you for sending it in, anon!!

i think anna would still be close with her parents. we see that relationship in every exquisite thing and i don't think it would change here. if anything, i believe christopher's death would bring them even closer together. it would be a challenge for sure, making the same old jokes and expecting christopher to be there to laugh or question them with profound logic only to be faced with silence, or looking over at the place at the table where he would have once sat and finding it empty (ow). but they would overcome it together.

not to mention alexander. he's only a child when his big brother suddenly goes away, and while shadowhunters are used to death from a young age, blahblahblah, he'd still feel the loss and not understand it properly?? it would be extremely taxing for anna and gabrily, especially once alexander starts having tantrums because he just doesn't get why christopher isn't there anymore. i imagine they would come up with ways to a) handle those tantrums and b) strategies to help alexander overcome the confusion and handle the loss while still being able to remember his older brother as he grows up. i don't think anna would leave that to her parents alone, even with her and ari going to india at the end of chot. she'd be in frequent contact (in my opinion, anyway. and i reckon ari would have something to say about it too).

as for gabriel and cecily's marriage...

i base this off a couple i know irl who lost their eldest daughter to an aggressive illness that ailed her for most of her teenage and young adult life before she passed away.

there would be a strain at first and both of them would find it extremely difficult to talk about christopher with each other. they would comfort each other, yes. they will cry with each other, yes. but the way they deal with and experience grief is very different (and i touched on this a little bit in the latest chapter of my fic dear christopher). gabriel would want to talk about it, and he strikes me as the type to process his feelings through discussion. cecily normally would too, but in this situation? she completely shuts down. gabriel would be at a bit of a loss but is respectful, and cecily wants to find in herself the will to talk about it, but her mind and body say otherwise.

that said, they would talk about it with other people. gabriel would run to gideon, and cecily to sophie. given their families grew up together, it's impossible to assume that they all don't have a very close relationship with each other. their children certainly had close relationships with one another. thomas and christopher is self-explanatory. we also see how close anna and thomas are in canon (that one scene in choi where thomas sneaks out and anna catches him in the act lives rent free in my mind fr), and anna with eugenia, which would have extended to barbara too. i also believe they're close with their aunts and uncles (thomas and cecily, for instance).

not to mention the fact that gideon and sophie get it. they lost a child too.

gabriel and cecily would talk about christopher, and gideon and sophie about barbara.

also will would definitely be a huge support. cecily wouldn't need to say much to will for him to understand (even though he'd love for her to open up to him fully), and despite their differences when they were kids, he would look out for gabriel too. gabriel and will's friendship is another kettle of fish that i won't delve into here, but it would certainly play a huge role.

and i don't think the marriage will fall apart. it's definitely a changed marriage, but it wouldn't fall apart. they have alexander and anna, and a huge family support network, as i mentioned above.

losing a child has a ripple effect on a relationship, and it's those first couple of years that are the most horrible. and it's not something that will ever go away. with the irl couple, every year around their daughter's birthday and death anniversary, they leave the city. they travel the country as a means to deal with the crushing loss. i'm not saying gabriel and cecily would do that, but it's certainly something they would feel.

they'll argue. they'll cry together. they'll have sleepless nights. they'll raise alexander together. they'll keep an eye on anna together. they'll reminiscence about their son alone or with their family members. they'll spend time apart while being in the same house. they'll be glued to each other's sides. they'll shut down. they'll be silent. they'll become stronger. they'll never move on exactly, but they'll learn how to handle the loss and live with it, because christopher, though no longer with us, will not be forgotten </3

[misccy27]

why I prefer Darius as Hunter's primary guardian (an unhinged rant)

(This post is riddled with disclaimers because the fandom has no chill about this subject lol)

So first of all I want to say, IRL at this point it would be Hunter's decision who he wants to live with. So I'm looking at this from a narrative perspective about what would be most satisfying to me as a viewer.

For the record, I think Darius, Camila, Eda, Raine, etc. can and should all be involved in Hunter's life in some form or another going forward. Hunter needs a strong support network and deserves all the caring parental figures he can get. But I also think that he needs stability. Even if he spends a lot of time at other houses, I think Hunter would do best with a place he can start to think of as his home, instead of cycling through a rotation of 'his room at Camila's house', 'his room at Darius' house', and so on.

Now. I know there were plans for Hunter to stay at the Owl House at some point in season 2, but since that didn't happen in canon, Hunter doesn't have any real foundation for moving in with Eda now. And we sadly never really get to see him interact with Raine. So that leaves us with 2 realistic candidates: Darius and Camila.

And just to head this off, yes Camila is a wonderful person. She would be a great parent for any child, including Hunter. I'm not saying that she wouldn't be, and I'm not saying that Darius is in a better parent. Just hear me out.

1. Practical considerations

I know no one wants to hear it, but Camila has been single-parenting 6 kids for 2-3 months. I cannot believe she had no worse breakdown than a (very well-done) nightmare sequence. If Hunter does move in with her post-canon, then that makes her the primary caregiver of 3 severely traumatized teenagers. Again, I'm sure she would do an excellent job as always. But that's still a lot of stress.

Second. Hunter states his desires at the end of Thanks to Them. They are to: study wild magic; learn how to carve palismen; attend Hexside as a regular student; and play flyer derby with his friends. All of these goals would have him spending a lot of time in the demon realm.

One argument I've seen is that Hunter was the happiest we've seen him yet in the human realm, which is true. But I think a lot of that was because he was with his friends in a relatively safe environment. He should be able to get that in the demon realm post-canon, especially since most of his friends will be staying there and he plans to spend so much of his time there. And for feeling safe, he's now been successfully traumatized in both realms so. yay /s

So those are my practical justifications for why it makes more sense for Hunter to stay with Darius over Camila. But I also have reasons based on what we get to see of their relationships in canon.

2. Canon clues that I'm not just reaching

A lot of people seem to be taking it as a given that Hunter will or should end up with Camila based on canon. For the reasons given above, I don't think there's more canon basis for Camila parenting Hunter over Darius.

I also think it's worth noting that Hunter seems rather attached to Darius. During the draining spell, Willow and Amity try to help Eda while Hunter runs straight to Darius to try to wake him up.

In the human realm, Willow, Gus, and Amity draw pictures of their families. IIRC Gus is the only one who verbally mentions his dad. Luz doesn't talk about Eda and King or hang up any pictures, but she does draw them. Hunter doesn't draw anyone, but he verbally mentions one single person from the demon realm. And that person is Darius.

2. Camila's relationship with Hunter in canon

I hate how little we know about it. I know, I know, the Shortening. But it does affect how I view their relationship. In all of the interactions we see, from the learning Spanish to the sewing machine to saving him from drowning, it could have been any of the kids. There's nothing about the way Camila interacts with Hunter to differentiate their relationship from her relationship with Willow, Gus, or Amity.

What I was really hoping to see at some point was any clue about what Camila knows about Hunter's background. Like I’m assuming she at least knows that he was raised by Belos. But the way it came up and who told her what about it is entirely unknown. Does she know he was abused? To what extent? Does she know about his role as the Golden Guard? Does she know how he met Luz, when he threatened to throw her into the boiling sea? Like I know, I get that she would have been as compassionate as always. But if I'm filling the gaps for how these conversations played out, I at least want more evidence that they happened at all.

Because it isn't a given. Again, Camila is working a full-time job and taking care of 6 teenagers, 5 of whom have to live in hiding to some extent and are struggling to adjust and have unique needs because they aren't human. That is so much stress and responsibility on Camila. So the montage and photo album we saw were mostly the kids bonding with each other. We didn't get to see Camila interact one-on-one with anyone but Luz. Which again, yes, the Shortening. But also maybe Camila just didn't have as much time to spend bonding with each individual child as everyone would have liked. It is a very real possibility that a lot of topics relating to Hunter and his childhood simply haven't come up yet.

Also, we know that Camila still has a shaky grasp on the Boiling Isles by the end of TTT. It is totally understandable because she's never been there and has never seen it; the kids are having the same issue adjusting to the human realm. Hunter didn't seem overly eager to talk about his past. Luz didn't seem overly eager to talk about the Boiling Isles in general. I think most of Camila's understanding comes from what Vee told her prior to and during TTT, and what Willow, Gus, and Amity told her while they were there.

So that leaves a lot of room for interpretation about what Camila's understanding of Hunter's situation is, which in turn makes it hard to imagine how any specific interaction or conversation might play out. Like yes, Camila would of course be loving and supportive, and she would say all the right things and model all the correct behaviors, and that's great. But without any canon basis for how Camila uniquely views and interacts with Hunter, it all ends up feeling more like wish-fulfillment to me than a relationship between 2 characters who know each other in canon.

For example, Camila doesn’t seem to be expecting Hunter to stay with her long-term. Because after months in the human realm Hunter is still sleeping on the floor of the basement. But there are so many possible explanations for this, because we don't know anything. Maybe Camila doesn’t know yet that Hunter is functionally homeless. Maybe she does know, and they had a really fulfilling heart-to-heart about it off screen. Maybe Hunter really is already planning to stay in the human realm. Or maybe Camila is under the impression that Hunter already has a place to stay in the demon realm.

Which is its own thing. I am being a bit of a hypocrite. For all we know, Hunter did talk to Darius about this before the Day of Unity and already has plans to move in with him. There are plenty of gaps to go around! So I will move on to:

3. Darius' relationship with Hunter in canon

I will admit it, I'm biased. This relationship is so much more interesting to me, just from the set up.

Because Darius is the only adult we see actually try to help Hunter while Hunter is still living in his abusive situation.

I know there's been discussion and debate about Darius' behavior, so I'll try to keep it brief. Darius did not help Hunter for a long time. He also didn't have any particular responsibility towards Hunter. Darius failed Hunter as much as every other adult Hunter interacted with over the years.

It is unclear based on canon how often Darius and Hunter interacted or what those interactions were generally like. It is unclear what Darius knew or suspected about Hunter's situation prior to Any Sport in a Storm. I think a lot of fandom disagreement comes down to how generously or harshly you interpret Darius when filling in these blanks. So I'll focus on what we do know.

Darius gave Hunter a mission in ASIAS. He didn't mean to; he was just trying to get rid of Hunter. He seems to view Hunter as a lost cause for most of the episode. Because of that and/or the traitor thing, Darius makes no effort to explain what he thinks Hunter is doing wrong. Which is unfortunate, because he is pushing Hunter in the right direction.

Darius encourages Hunter to think for himself at a time when Hunter is still loyal and Belos is still actively working to keep Hunter unquestioningly obedient. And this is before Darius has even taken any real interest in Hunter. He goes about it horribly, but he is already taking the right stance on these fundamental issues, and that matters to me.

Then at the end of the episode, Darius' attitude towards Hunter changes completely. And yes, I know it shouldn't have happened this way. I know Hunter shouldn't have needed to prove himself to earn help and attention. But this show is full of flawed characters who change for the better. So why not Darius?

And Darius shows that he is capable of change. He admits to Hunter "I had you all wrong". He praises Hunter for both making friends and for disobeying him, which is huge for Hunter while he's still in his abusive situation. And then Darius' first action after his revelation is to give Hunter a scroll and encourage Hunter to make connections outside of the castle.

And again, Darius didn't have to do that. He could have just as easily ended the interaction there. He could have agreed to keep Flapjack a secret in return for Hunter keeping his mouth shut about letting the 'recruits' go, and then gone back home to get his beauty sleep.

But he didn't. He gave Hunter a scroll and encouraged him to break out of his isolation more. Then he gave Hunter back his cloak and fixed the cloak and gave Hunter the approval that Hunter spent all episode desperately wanted since the beginning (which is problematic, I know). And then Darius told Hunter to get a sewing lesson, which he very well may have given actually him based on Hunter comparing his stitches to Darius' in TTT.

So did Darius handle everything perfectly? Of course not. But he did consistently push Hunter in the right direction, and by the end of it he does seem actively interested and willing to help. He becomes the first (and tbh only) adult we actually get to see start paying attention to Hunter's situation and intervening with Hunter's best interests at heart.

...And then we don't get to see them interact after that. It's another place where the fandom diverges, particularly regarding whether or not one or more sewing lessons ended up happening.

But we do get some crumbs.

During Hollow Mind, Darius is alarmed when he realizes Hunter got trapped in Belos' mind.

Then in Clouds on the Horizon, Hunter reveals that Darius sent him to escort Luz. I think this scene is overlooked a lot, but it's huge to me. Because it means that Darius and Hunter got in contact some time after Hollow Mind, presumably after Labyrinth Runners.

Like Hunter must have had some pretty severe trust issues after learning that Belos is an evil sadist who manipulated him his whole life. It would've been compounded by Coven Head Adrian showing up at Hexside lying about being a rebel. So even though we didn't get to actually see it, we know something must have happened between Darius and Hunter that somehow got Hunter to trust Darius enough to go on a mission for him on the Day of Unity. And I'm assuming that required Darius to make at least some effort to confront head-on the reality of Hunter's situation and Darius' role as a rebel and all the messy complicated emotions that go along with all of it.

And again, he didn't have to. Darius didn't have to get in contact with Hunter after Hollow Mind. That is a choice that he both made and successfully pulled off. Like I see this hc a lot that Darius can't handle emotional situations, but he was there for Hunter at least to some extent both while Hunter was unknowingly in an abusive situation and while Hunter was coping with the fallout of having everything ripped out from under him. So I don't get why it's so hard to imagine Darius being there for Hunter in emotionally difficult situations post-canon.

Anyway. This scene also tells us that Darius went and gave Hunter the same mission that Eda gave Luz, presumably for the same reason: to let the kids feel useful while also trying to keep them relatively safe and out of the line of fire on the Day of Unity. (And that's it's own thing. There are plenty of parallels you could draw between Darius' relationship with Hunter and Luz' relationship with Eda, particularly in the early stages where things were a bit rocky.)

So. This turned into a little bit of a tangent of why I don't get how it's so inconceivable to some people that Darius is truly capable of genuinely caring about Hunter and/or being able to grow into a parental figure that can do right by Hunter. Because we have canon evidence for all of these things.

2. Canon clues that I'm not just reaching

A lot of people seem to be taking it as a given that Hunter will or should end up with Camila based on canon. For the reasons given above, I don't think there's more canon basis for Camila parenting Hunter over Darius.

I also think it's worth noting that Hunter seems rather attached to Darius. During the draining spell, Willow and Amity try to help Eda while Hunter runs straight to Darius to try to wake him up.

In the human realm, Willow, Gus, and Amity draw pictures of their families. IIRC Gus is the only one who verbally mentions his dad. Luz doesn't talk about Eda and King or hang up any pictures, but she does draw them. Hunter doesn't draw anyone, but he verbally mentions one single person from the demon realm. And that person is Darius.

And I'll accept the hc that the way Darius treated Hunter before was just too unforgivable,

[whenuwalking]

Moving back to Texas somewhat indefinitely for mega therapy, and I feel like moving is actually maybe not the thing I should've done. I have been depressed as fuck for the past 2 weeks, I cry randomly almost every day. I feel sick and scared. I don't want to leave all the friends I made and see often. I need a better job and I need professional help, but now I'm wrenching myself from my only in person support network and moving into a brand new state AND city. It feels like this is really going to hinder me and I'm genuinely worried for my progress. I have no idea if I'll ever return to Florida or if I'll want to. I do not see any sort of future for myself period, I was scraping by barely and now I'll have nothing again. This always happens, I settle into a new place, one or two years pass, I leave everything behind. I'm exhausted, I hate my parents, I miss my friends (we can talk online sure but it'll be a massive change from irl hangouts). I'm worried I'll have nothing left. I don't want to suffer through this.

[flowercrowncrip]

whats the worst encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

whats the funniest encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

whats something you see thats overhyped in regards to disability or cripplepunk?

do you have an ideal mobility aid or ideal disability aid in general?

feel free to skip any/all :)

cw: suicide, ableism,

1-The worst encounter of ableism I've experienced was from a psychiatric nurse my GP referred me to during a mental health crisis. I told the nurse that I was having thoughts about ending my life and he told me that he felt sorry for me because my physical disability meant my life would never be worth living. Obviously "you're doomed to feel this way forever" isn't a safe thing to say to someone trying to get help during a mental health crisis. If he could have done more to help me end my life I think he would have, and this is one of the reasons I'm so afraid of the risks around assisted suicide for disabled people.

I feel the need to add that several years on from that appointment I'm so happy that I'm alive. I've had 15 months of therapy and I'm on meds that work for me, I have the right support and equipment to manage my conditions, an extremely fulfilling job, and an amazing support network. My disability is worse than it was back then but I feel so much more content with my life.

2- The funniest example of ableism is more a story of ableism in the sense that no one had thought properly about disabled access. Only the result was that me and some other students accidentally broke into a nightclub.

I was at uni making a video with a group of disabled students for disability history month. We were filming in the student media centre which was on the first floor of a shared building. On the ground floor and basement there was a nightclub. All of the organisations shared a lift.

So we go up the lift while the nightclub is selling tickets during the day, but in the time it took for us to finish filming, the nightclub had closed and locked up. We didn't know this, so just took the lift back down when we wanted to leave. Immediately as we stepped out the lift, the burglar alarm went off.

It was the loudest thing I have ever heard in my life. It was so loud that it was totally impossible to think. All we could do was try to get away as quickly as we could so we went to the doors, which were obviously locked.

So we went back up in the lift away from the noise to figure out what to do next. We called the campus security and tried to explain what was happening but they didn't seem to get it. Eventually they told us that they were heading over our way anyway (because of the alarm) and would check in on us when they came.

When they arrived they were knocking on the lift door convinced that we were stuck in there. When we said we were stuck in the building, not the lift they didn't get it.

They looked at us, a group of disabled people including someone with a cane, someone using crutches and me, very obviously a wheelchair user, and told us if we couldn't take the lift we could "just take the stairs".

I had to awkwardly point out that wheelchairs don't go do down stairs at which point they became very embarrassed (which I won't lie was quite funny)

In the end we had to wait an hour or so for the owner of the nightclub to drive up to campus with the keys and alarm codes and it was all fine.

3- I think that the value of independence is overhyped everywhere, including in disabled spaces. I've seen a lot of disabled people state that they're somehow better than other disabled people who they view as less independent than them. Relying on mobility aids, medications, carers, family members benefits and other supports don't make you less strong, less deserving or less anything.

I really struggled with my own feelings around this when I was a teenager. I found it so hard to ask for help because I thought it made me a "bad disabled person", and seeing that insecurity reflected back at me from other disabled people online only reenforced it.

4- My ideal mobility aid would be a fully waterproof electric wheelchair. I'd love the sensation of rain or hail in my face without being stressed about my chair. Or be able to go to the beach along one of those mat things and into the sea.

[ofmdsalt]

Hey, I really liked your take about how Ed could have gone on a self discovery journey instead of ending up with Stede so I'm curious, how do you view Ed and Stede's relationships? TBH my interpretation is that lots of people in the fandom need to like...stop putting romantic love on this pedestal and understand that self and platonic love is equally important and media always skews our perception and the importance of romantic love in negative ways (I mean, there are literally academic articles written about stuff like this). And sure! a big part of fandom is the shipping! and a big part of the show is their eventual relationship! but idk like sure its nice to see and read but in irl I know lots of friends who fell into toxic and dangerous relationships because they were unhealthy and needed some growth and I've even lost a few friends to relationships that me, and our other friends, disapproved of. Some of those friends have even come back years later to apologize while others just unfortunately lost their entire support networks (friends, colleagues, and family) and still are in those relationships. Which like yeah in fandom i love the "us against the world" mentally but irl doesn't work that way. idk sorry for rambling, but would love to hear your thoughts.

sorry i left you on read for so long, anon! had to think this one through a bit.

so for those who don't know, they're talking about this post that i made. that was immediately screenshotted and taken out of context by implying that i said Ed needs to be 100% perfectly healed before going into a relationship. which is. a take. i won't go much into it, but this is a perfect opportunity for me to expand on that!

what i love in fandoms are long winded character studies. so a fic focused more on an individual person where the relationship (if there is one at all) is secondary. i've written such stories before because sometimes i like exploring an individual character and getting to know what makes them tick. what i wanted to get into with the post linked above is why do we immediately assume that a relationship between Ed and Stede is going to 'fix' them? both of them are in a period of flux within their lives. Stede has lived in a hetero marriage that was, as far as we can tell, fairly miserable and detached for both parties.

he then leaves them (lbr, abandons is a better word for it) to play pirate and put himself and others lives at risk because he does not know anything about the world he's gotten himself into

then we have Ed. a man who's reputation precedes him but who is also strangled and suffocated by this image that he's in. he's Blackbeard first and Ed second.

i can really resonate with both these characters and their struggles to understand who they are and need to be seen as who they want to be. it's a tale as old as time in terms of identity. and then when you add the complexities of a relationship into the mix of Stede realizing he's gay and Ed seeing that he doesn't need to be Blackbeard (but who is he really without Blackbeard?) it makes i all the more interesting

and then season 2 happens and packs in a whole lot of unearned character development due to budget cuts and a slashed screentime.

their relationship was never going to be perfect. no relationship is. but if that's how Ed reacted when Stede abandoned him, Ed should honestly be given the time to reflect on who he is now beyond Blackbeard. beyond being Ed&Stede, a romantic relationship. because the constant hammering home of 'it's the Ed and Stede show' reduces the complexities of these characters to a point where they no longer exist outside of each other. and i think that's really disheartening

why not give Ed a chance to discover himself? why not have him assert that he scared himself during his bender at the beginning of season 2? if he reacted that poorly to Stede's rejection, what will happen if they do break up? i think it's perfectly fine to ask and wonder if Ed should be by himself for a bit.

realizing you're not ready for a relationship can be a big moment of growth for people. knowing how to be alone, how to comfort yourself, how to be by yourself is good and healthy. and it's totally up to all of us to decide when we are ready to be in a relationship again.

i just wish this fandom didn't hit so many over the head with the assertion that Ed and Stede must be together no matter the cost. because sometimes that's not the best way forward and there's nothing wrong in taking more time to find yourself

[dekaydk]

QL/BL Series I watched in 2023

This is a ridiculously long list because

I finally discovered the existence of this genre late in 2022, and after years in the desert with only occasional gay-themed media, am drinking deeply at the oasis, and

I have basically given up on other forms of TV this year (long story mostly having to do with the crap that's out there, the networks yanking content before it's finished just to avoid paying residuals…also, I will never watch another piece of Star Trek if JJ Abrams is within 1 parsec*).

I had a long period of convalescing from a broken collarbone.

*probably an obscure TOS reference but the initiates will get it

In Progress

IFYLIA

Kiseki: Dear to Me - I love all of the characters, main and support. Writing is fun, character motivations are clear, acting is good-to-excellent, directing is solid if unadventurous. And the colors! While it's not rigorously real-life, it hits harder than most because there are actual adult choices being made, and real consequences for those choices. The comedy is always in service of the plot or the characters. The cameos are off the charts. This is also an exception to my "generally don't watch BTS until the show's over" rule: the BTS have been fun. The actors are clearly having a blast.

Dangerous Romance - uneven, but not so much that I've given up. Had potential to be more of a commentary on economic strata: though there's room for more in the coming episodes, I think they missed the boat by bascially making Kang now the MC instead of Sailom, which is disappointing. Right now I can see this going into either "okay, but meh" or "don't recommend" categories, but I doubt it's gonna be a "recommend" because they haven't got the runway for a save.

Kabe-Koji-Nekoyashiki-kun Desires to be Recognized - unexpected depths to this show. The characters are revealed gradually, the comedy is a delight, the acting's great, the staging and cinematography are terrific. Quite enthused about this show.

I Can't Reach You - these two are a delight. BTW, @lurkingteapot says that they are working on their own captions, which should be infinitely better than anything else that's out there. Going to rewatch when they do post because I think it will be a far more engaging experience. (Also, if you like Japanese BLs, you should follow them for their linguistic and cultural insights.) (Note: I have no idea how to replace captions so I have to learning ahead. 😇)

One Room Angel - unconventional; not sure where this is going but I almost don't care. These two are just plain touching to watch. Only two episodes in and I'm hooked.

Finished and Enjoyed

If It's With You - so far, this is a palate cleanser I needed. Cute, sweet, low angst, and clearly made to be a dessert course, not a hearty main dish. Actors are doing a great job. (Side note: Makeup and wardrobe are doing a good job in making them look more conventional vs. how good looking they are IRL.)

Kieta Hatsukoi - this was just fantastic. Sweet, funny, and unexpectedly poignant. I see no reason to remake it, much as I appreciate Fourth and Gemini.

My Personal Weatherman - once I figured out that they'd only been living together for a short time after graduation, it fell into place. The crippling insecurity on the one hand and the cryptic overconfidence on the other made for a really engaging dynamic.

Sing My Crush - this was one of those almost perfect shows. Just watch it.

My Beautiful Man S2 - love me my babies learning to communicate, and Kiyoi taking Hira shopping and making Hira blossom for the day was delightful. This show is so unconventional and I cannot get enough. Nobody does "your low self-esteem is crippling you in ways you don't even begin to understand and people love you anyway" like Japan.

My Dating Sim - so sweet without being corn syrup. Palate cleanser.

Semantic Error - really, really enjoyed this smart autistic bossy nerd meets semi-slacker athlete artist. One of the rare shows where the actors are pretty obviously straight (BTS kinda made that clear and in the future, I am generally gonna skip BTS until the show's over) but I nonetheless bought their characters being into each other.

Laws of Attraction - I wasn't sure about this at first until I realized rather late that (a) lakorn is a thing, and (b) "lakorn = telenovela" and all the conventions that implies. After that, I sat back and enjoyed the camp and stopped being critical. Film and Jam are fun to watch, and you cannot tell me that Film didn't enjoy every second of scene chewing. The second couple were touching as all heck. And Nawin came in and briefly stole the show. And Silvy and Organ stole it back!

Unintentional Love Story - both couples were delightful; loved the pottery/creativity as a central element (and coveting it for my own). Looking forward to more of Ho Tae and Dong Hee in S2.

DNA Says Love You - Although I kinda had the plot twist figured out early—admit it, the casting for Amber was absolutely perfect—I still loved the journey. The "witch in the woods" bit was fun, even if I'm not a fan of predestination-style plots (I prefer characters arrive at their destination without supernatural assistance). I could watch Erek all day. Slightly slow to get out of the starting blocks but worth the time.

Color Rush - I'm not easily sold on fantasy premises but I enjoyed this one. Love interest played by Hur Hyun Jun was straight out of a manga panel (that jawline). Sadly, he withdrew from a reprise of the character in S2, I'm told because fans got weird. (Fans, learn to separate the artist from the art.)

Not Me - be gay, do crimes against the oligarchy. Gorgeous cast: Gun, Off, First, Gawin, Mond, Film; good cinematography; nice character arcs. Not perfect (Todd's character in general, and I never did get why Black got beat up in the first place; they kinda ended up at "it's just so"), but in general the show strove for a higher level. Fun fact: written by a (then-?) member of the Thai parliament.

Old Fashion Cupcake - devoted junior dogsbody doggedly digs dense dejected boss out of dumps. Okay, my alliterative talents are low today. Cute, and goes unexpectedly hard during the confession scene, and after. Thoroughly enjoyable and a bit of a rumination on how people can pigeonhole themselves to their own detriment.

To My Star and To My Star 2 - ah, these two. The sunshine man has to go hardcore to get his man to see his own value. I would rewatch this just for fun.

Takara-kun and Amagi-Kun - Oh, to be in high school with good friends who help you figure out your feelings. I will hear no criticism of this perfect little dessert.

Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice But to Kiss! - the unlucky/lucky balance gimmick could have been annoying but they made it work. Sweet, simple, seriously cute actors, very much in earnest comedy. Palate cleansing fun.

My Engineer - main couple: okay but I've already mostly forgotten them. RamKing were different. Ram's character was absolutely coded as autistic but no one ever used the word, no one called him weird, and King figured it out and went with it, no problems. Loved that part. (King had his plant obsession so maybe he got it on one level.) Also, the way RamKing ended left a huge opportunity for the fanfic on them, much of which has been great. Sadly, there won't be an S2.

The Eclipse - writing could have been sharper (pace and motivation needed work) but Khao and First were a ton of fun to watch. Loved the junior queens being the most fearless troublemakers.

Big Dragon - went into it knowing it would be a trash-the-pub watch 😎 yet it actually ended up a little more solidly than I had expected. Plenty of heat, and now I get why people are MosBank fans. Fun fact: Jeff Satur apparently wrote the theme that Isbanky sang.

Finished and Oh Well It Was A BL

Until We Meet Again - I know it worked for lots of folks and I get why, but (a) reincarnation stories and (b) I love me some Fluke but I hate the blushing maiden trope especially when as here they hammer it into the ground with a rocket-powered pile driver. ("P'Deeeeeaaan!") I actually preferred the past couple to the present-day couple because the characters were written better. (Not the actors' fault; the stakes were higher, and you can't act your way out of a sub-par script.)

Mr. Cinderella - Vietnam's probably not got a mature industry yet so I may have excessively high expectations, but…amateurish writing, directing, cinematography and sound. Characters were all over the map. And the bad guy ex was…uuuuugly toxic. (Also, polonium? Seriously?) Attractive cast to be sure, who didn't really have much to work with so for all the audience knows they are all Shakespeareans in training. The coy screeching nurse was so very repetitive. I did want to like it and if I had a script I would totally go to town on it as an exercise. (I'm an editor, not a writer.)

Why R U? Korea - Did they…lose a hard drive with the audio? Cheap out and not hire an audio engineer? Seemingly half the dialog was looped, and often jarringly. But the real fault was the writing: the behavior of the main couple was inconsistent, especially where they parted ways and then pretty much ignored that for a while, and in the last episode with the lead saying he didn't want to work together on the thing that was extremely important to both him and his interest. I wanted to like this because I really liked the main couple and Jeon Sa Ra's Do Yeon. Best scene was Lee Won after his audition teetering on the edge of losing it when his interest ignorantly came out to tease him: just a lovely little bit of acting by Lee Jung Min, without a word being spoken.

Seriously, this scene makes me want to learn how to gif. Lee Jung Min as Lee Won

Finished and Don't Recommend

TharnType: 7 Years of Love - the first season was objectively bad for reasons I and others have set out elsewhere (noncon sex, underage rrpe(!), sub-par acting/directing). The second season wasn't as bad, but it wasn't good either, with forced misunderstanding narratives being the most notable plot point. Seven years together and you still are that easy to convince that your man's stepping out on you? Like the first season, 7 Years also gave the sense that Mew (at least in this case) is a one-note actor, though this could have been the director's fault. Gulf had more good moments.

La Pluie - I so wanted to like a show that was gonna take a trope and upend it. And I absolutely get what lots of folks liked about it. For me the uneven pacing, sometimes blatantly contrived plot, often wooden direction, dialog and acting (with the notable exception of Suar, who was by far the best in the show and not just because he got most of the best lines) and terrible continuity did it in. (Lomfon's confession scene, though: Tien's going up on his toes for the kiss is burned into my memory.)

Started and bailed

Minato's Laundromat S2 - I so wanted to like this after S1. Instead of giving Minato a growth arc, the writers inserted a silly and ultimately pointless amnesia story. This seriously pissed me off to the point that I stopped watching. Not the actors' fault, but the writers, well, that's a paddlin' offense.

Only Friends - when certain folks start expressing concern, I listen. @bengiyo explained how this show failed its promise of showing actual queer lives. When it abandoned whatever vision its creators may have had in favor of contorting itself into something controlled by fan input, proving it was just an exercise in branding pair marketing, that confirmed it was not going to get me to return after Ep 3.

Naughty Babe - just, just, what in the Pennzoil is going on? MC, you seriously went how long without nookie and didn't talk with your man about it? And then you fake amnesia? Dude, you are not a serious person and the writers should be ashamed. I see from my Tumblr feed that they tried to redeem themselves later with the marriage and adoption bit, and good for that, but I ain't got time for incoherent messes.

Low Frequency - decorative actors, but incoherent plot where I simply couldn't see what was happening and where it was going. Couldn't motivate myself to continue after the second episode.

Step By Step - I've already posted about this. This had the potential to be wayyy above average but it kinda fell apart with the main couple, and the secondary couple simply were written so badly there was nothing to root for. I got almost all the way through this but after it became clear there wasn't going to be a late save, I gave up. The. Actors. Wuz. Robbed.

En of Love: Tossara - this felt like someone got their uncle to pull strings to get them a show. Dialog was anemic, character motivations were bland/absent, pacing was uneven. I started the second episode but I'm not sure I finished it.

If you made it this far, congratulations. Tell me what you liked or didn't agree with; I come across as opinionated but I'm always looking to learn. 😎

[therentyoupay]

is it too late to befriend you? i've been following your writing for like a decade now, and i've always been so anxious to actually try to befriend you 😅

NEVER TOO LATE, NEVER 💕💕

first of all, thank you so much for this super sweet comment, your support for the past 10ish years (!!!!!!!!), for following me on this wild journey (you must have followed me from college to grad school to japan to the west coast and then through my PhD program?!! 🥹🥹🥹🥹), and for hanging out with me on tumblr even if you haven't felt comfortable reaching out until this point!!! 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕💕 hi!! 💕💕💕💕💕 in general, i guard my Secret Identity pretty closely (there's still a chance that any future novels i may one day write will be published under my pseudonym @kris-tryp or something similar [kris pay, kris therent, etc.], but we'll see!), and i don't give out info lightly! i'm of the generation from the Internet in which giving your name itself was already a huge show of trust, so please don't be alarmed if i don't share any other personal info, or if it takes years! 😘🙏

truth be told, there are only a dozen or so people from tumblr who know who i am IRL (e.g., we follow each other on linkedin, we text or snapchat, i have lived in their house lolololol, i have referred them to my company in japan and they were my co-workers abroad, they have fallen prey to my eternal need to network professionally and have ended up advising my students on the job market in their field via informational zoom interviews or ended up getting paid to help my colleagues work through stats and data analysis drama in their Moment of Dissertation Crisis—you know who you are! 😂). but i have so many long-term near-decades'-long friendships that have been completely 100% online without us knowing each others' full names, full occupations, place of residence, career paths, etc.! 100%-online and private info-hidden friendships can be incredibly valid, powerful, strong, and meaningful connections—in many of the same ways as those friendships for which we are lucky enough to begin in person. it's beautiful to follow each other's journeys online (or hybrid!) over 5, 10, 15, 20+ years! 🥹🥹🥹🥹

so message me and say hi!! 😂💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 at worst, i may foist many a general career planning and professional networking and goal-setting conversation upon you, lol, but apart from that, no further cause for anxiety, i hope!! 😂😘

[decaffeinatedworm]

Is it cheating to ask for all 10 questions?

hehehe I'd be happy to answer them 🐛

🌸 1 - do you have a favorite melt spot?

eeek probably the side of my neck - any kisses or nibbles there actually turn me into a puddle

🌱 2 - if you could tickle/be tickled by any fictional character, who would you choose?

okay now THATS tough... ngl I'd say pretty much 80% of lotr/hobbit characters LOL that's definitely been my hyperfixation for YEARS. like you just KNOW it'd be so scrumptious to break the Mr. Tough Guy exterior of so many characters (Thorin, Filli, Aragorn, Boromir, Eomer..) but also like so heart fluttering to be on the receiving end of like mischievous, playful tkles (Merry, Pippin, Killi) like I could list sm headcannons don't even get me started (please get me started)

🐦 3 - what's your go-to method of flustering your lee/Ler?

a go-to is saying something evidently not true or purposfully provoking (denying tklishness, "I like you MORE"...) to get them to try to get me to admit it

🐌 4 - describe how you feel towards tickling with three emojis

🫠🙆‍♀️🫂

🌼 5 - is there a nickname/petname that makes you smile and go red no matter how much you receive it?

if someone called me Bug irl I think I'd melt into the floor LOL, also anything with Little Miss ___ just does something to me lol

🐛 6 - are you feather ticklish? if so, where?                 

unfortunately I don't think so (though further testing may be required)

🌷 7 - what tickle game intrigues you the most?

oof I had one session where my goal was to last 5 minutes without breaking and (with consent but atm unbeknownst to me) my ler didn't set a timer but instead a stopwatch 💀 in the end I lasted 9 minutes 🙃

🦋 8 - what kind of tickles are you in the mood for today?

I had a righteously terrible day but I have the best support network and actually got cheer-up tckles 🫶 raspberries definitely got some good belly laughs which were very much needed

🐾 9 - are you poke sensitive?

what? me? pfft. ludicrous. unbelievable. okay maybe. yes.

☀️ 10 - surprise or anticipated tickles?

[findmeinthefallair]

Some bluntly honest cancer-related thoughts. And with these final few days of being age 30, maybe I almost had two panic attacks in the past few hours because of the CPTSD sense of a foreshortened future.

IRL people will tell me "Stage 2 isn't the same as Stage 4!" but how can one be so arrogant to presume and be so sure?

I really don't know how much time I have and like, it - all the more - drives the desire to find the sweet spot of intensity in which I want to try and do everything that I do. Make as much art and screenshot scenes as I can. Help clients or anyone who needs a mental health boost or anyone who is wounded. Find more and more pieces of truth here and there. Psychoeducate. Advocate. Bake yummy snacks. Make somebody laugh. Cackle at memes. Visit places and people. Push back against those who don't want to see me living well, with the help of my support network.

I would've lost the whole arm but the cells hadn't reached my humerus bone yet. It's annoying that the section of scapula protecting the top of the humerus was removed, so the humerus socket is largely exposed and I feel it under the two large long scars covering my upper left torso. But say, even if there's an amputation awaiting me in the future, I can still draw using trackpad, the Curve tool, Lasso and Gradient tools...And most of all: my brain and thinking would remain intact. But the possibilities of conditions that can affect my brain itself? That's the scariest of all.

There's an unfathomably massive gap between the possibility that the illness won't actually come back, and the possibility that idk, in 4 months or in 4 years...some malignant cells will show up in my pancreas or something, and I'll be toast, lose my ability to draw (because chemo/radiation yadda yadda) and the clock will be ticking more intensely. The gap is like an ocean, wide enough that I can't see one end or the other.

And I suppose the adventure lies in not knowing what it's going to be, just that I know that I'll have good company along the way.

[qwuilleran]

I need help. I need assistance, but don't know where to turn. I don't have a social network online of people I talk to. I don't have an irl support network. I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to ask for help. There isn't anything I think I can offer in return, and I've seen enough of these posts to know no one can trust what I'm saying. So I'm just saying this into the void with no links or real direction because I'm lost and I'm scared. My living situation is compromised. My partner threw me away because I haven't learned to let go of violence and crimes made against me years ago. My parents disapprove of my politics and my relationships. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I've lived out of my car before, but the temperatures are plummeting. Plus I've been out of a job, spending my savings on reskilling after my employer eliminated my position, citing cost increase and economic downturn, all while Corporate made record profits and still got their bonuses. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I've already paid for my final semester, so my options are very limited. I'm disheartened and scared. I don't know what to do.

Edit: Taking a chance on the kindness of strangers. I'm scared to leave my current living situation, so suggestions that don't involve public/gov resources would be welcome. If I move far away I might consider public resources, but I am naturally distrusting of those services.

Update 6/24: no update. zero help. some people just stay stuck. I've been focusing on my mental health, distracting myself with tumblr. This isn't how I thought my life would be.

Update 8/30: my mom pushed me down the stairs again. I had to drop out of the last semester. I spent my birthday staring out my window wondering what landing on the grass would feel like, if the ground would kiss me, but knowing that's something you can only do once or twice before people catch on. Alcoholism is for rich people or I might take that up as a hobby again lol

PayPal email: ojoden@hotmail.com

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