#i need a genuine rest from everything
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God I've truly been feeling so so so drained the last several days. Like a wet shirt and a deflated balloon and everything else you can picture to be wrinkly and flat
#just me rambling#have had no social energy for a while#social interactions have been complicated recently and drama hasnt helped i'm really just sitting here#i usually always have energy for discord at least even when i'm exhausted but rn even that im jus. too drained#i see the white dot next to my usual servers saying theres new messages there and i look at them like yeah.#i'll catch up sometime i say. but then i dont manage#ended up jsut right-clicking and marking as read a couple of them just cuz it was tiring me even more to see the notif#i need a genuine rest from everything#it's been some trying days#sniffs
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Amphibia is proof that the best character writing tip is to make everyone at least a little bit problematic
#this is why all of my OCs are horrible people in one way or another#this goes for relationships too#lum1ty is cute and all but nothing about it ever destroyed me nearly as much as even the most tame scene between any members of#the calamity trio. and ik it's because the relationship between those 3 is what drives the story while lum1ty is a romantic subplot and all#but my objection is: that's precisely the problem#it's supposedly meant to be the fluff amongst the angst. a refuge from everything else that happens in the show#plus it's not the MAIN main relationship of the show - the main relationship is between Eda Luz and King#but... i genuinely believe divorcing lum1ty from the rest of the story does them a disservice. imagine how could it would have been if#they let amity be a little bit worse. deeper into the emperor's coven or something. with a more intense rivalry w luz#characters in toh just need more Drama imo especially luz's friends#hunter is great *because* he's Dramatic#this isn't toh bashing. i love toh. i just can't help but feel it's an example of characters being too... *nice*#cant remember who said that the only thing worth writing about was the human heart in conflict with itself and#im sorry but you can't convince me a character like gus or willow is just as much in conflict with themselves as like. idk. hop pop.
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i am actually still thinking about the strange translucent child telling me the reapers aren't waging war because "a fire doesn't wage war when it burns" or something like that and it's like okay yes we don't blame fire for doing what it does (burning) but we absolutely, 100% do get firefighters on the scene to put the fire out. because it's hurting people. like i get what you're saying, but we absolutely do put fires out when they hurt people, that is thing that we very much do
#''fire can cleanse'' NOT A MASSIVE STRUCTURE FIRE WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRAPPED INSIDE#genuinely everything about the ending was fine EXCEPT anything that came out of that child's mouth#also i've realized i had an instant negative reaction to The Child because of the dominox/predathos stuff in cr#this kid showed up and i went ''not a child AGAIN''#strange unnerving and ambiguously evil children have GOT to stop showing up to manipulate me into helping them#rosie plays games kinda okay#tbh all i needed from this ending was a way to turn the crucible on and then let my accumulated war assets decide if i lived or not#we needed to do a little bit LESS with this part of the ending i think#the rest is fine. this could be tweaked
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Watching Severance does feel a bit like reading a fic with 15000 word chapters that are almost entirely world-building and setup and there are only 2/47 chapters published and those came out 3 years apart
#the same sense of teetering uncertainty. like there is something in someone's mind but will it get out? probably not#the thing that gives me hope is there's a pretty strong track record of simplifying and circling back to plot points#instead of casting the net of things that happen ever wider (looking at you orphan black)#many of the very weird nonsensical elements are meant to just be weird and nonsensical. like yes there's a severed marching band#no we don't need to explore that any further it just is what it is#ms cobel seemed like a weird outlier to the plot but they tied her in exactly to the heart of it#(by the way i know none of you know about this but one thing i immediately realized that i don't think other tumblrites saw#is that her mrs selvig behavior in s1 was not a trick either in her different demeanor or her apparent care for mark#he is not just her science experiment. his outie—and her mrs selvig ''outie''—are her creations free from the company#she truly wanted to be able to perpetuate the kier lumon cult of abuse and control but also set people free of it#it's why she created severance and why she is nasty only to innie mark. he deserves that treatment like she thinks she did growing up#but she made a way for only part of him to deserve that while the rest of him doesn't. she genuinely respects his outie#and wants him to thrive and have a full life outside lumon. separate from his innie. that's her WHOLE DEAL)#anyway where was i#oh yeah so she's hooked right into the heart of the simple central idea and everything she does makes sense in that lens#the birthing cabin bit came back to facilitate a key plot movement and that mystery got solved and laid to rest very simply#(laid to rest as in we know the explanation AND it doesn't give our main characters a further task to accomplish#which i'm just realizing is a huge distinction in storytelling)#it's the whole chikhai bardo thing of the big secret at the heart of Severance is just. severance.#and even in the s2 finale the agenda was very simple and stayed the same throughout and the climactic tension was still just severance#like oh she's in the basement? we'll just get her out#the drama came from all the established pieces colliding on the outcome of that#rather than from that goal getting thwarted#idk man it's Good Storytelling enough to make me willing to trust it#severance#severance spoilers
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Hello,,,, snatchcube, i have a sin to confess,,, i am the same person who was bullying my friend for not playing the turorials in mavel rivals but,,, the only reason i dont play magneto is because i suck like poop,,, and somehow loki was easier for me,,, i am sorry 😔 i am buying his emblem in the battle pass tho
DUDE HOLD ON SNATCHCUBE ???????
oh but like. Everything else. I dont even remember The Tutorial Scandal tbh…… highkey i didnt even know there was turorials so im guilty too then…. Lol… no one likes playing tank its ok no crime committed here……. But donations for The King is always praised 👁👁
#snap chats#SNATCHCUBE MADE ME DOUBLE TAKE I ALMOST DIDNT EVEN READ THE REST OF THE ASK FOEDJSJEK#oh but yeah yohre good…….. lol….#tbh i prob wouldnt have needed the tut since i already grinded hours on OW years ago so I Have Played These Games#plus mags genuinely plays near exact like the two (2) tanks i only ever played on that so. natural role for me LMAOOOO#im still tickled magneto really is so perfect for me like everything from playstyle to his ability to solo tank#to the fact no one ever wanna play tank…..#speaking of. i cant steal kaylas ps5 today im losing it#my bro was saying he’d go halfsies on a ps5 with me and chat…. lowk thinking of it…..#A PS5 HAS LITERALLY NO GAMES THO ITD BE SO RIDICULOUS JUST TO GET IT FOR RIVALS#plus the thought if having to regrind for that magneto lord icon…. and getting my skins back… kms…#cant even get he galacta skin like i never used it but the completionist in me……..#anyway idk how loki is the EASY option granted i never played him but#idk….. i mean i cant say how easy or hard he is if i never play him so…#ultimately whichever chara gives you the most joy playin you should play em…#for me.. thats magneto….. my big beautiful brick wife 🥺 WHO I MISSSSSSS WWAAAAAAAAAH#i miss him so bad im relapsing#i thought i was ok today but now im just thinking bout how much fun i had playing him :(#maybe ill go work to get my mind off him…. work thaf.. includes drawing him 😭😭😭
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had a lot of time on my hands today so i read the comic adaptation of the 2004 movie and this part was like the one thing i liked. make that man miss his family! make him clutch a picture of them to his chest and cry! yeah!
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#everything else about this comic was worse than the movie#from the various -phobias and -isms to just. the way it was paced#the pacing was so bad it made me genuinely need to take a break and stare across the hall#like damn. speedrunning this? this whole thing?#it was a 3-parter and entirety of part 1 was the first 10 minutes of the movie#and then the other 2 were the rest. THATS INSANE#but yeah something about frank telling himself hes not going to grieve because its pointless and stupid and he has to be cold and strong#and then breaking down into tears anyway. something about that is good#god if i think about it too long i get sad. my baby
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Are you sad? Are you miserable? Is your life falling apart? Is your body falling apart? Does your head feel like it’s full of cotton, or perhaps TV static? Does it feel like the world is crumbling around you? Is it getting harder to force yourself through the daily motions? Is happiness getting increasingly harder to find?
Why not consider making a large, hyperfixation-fueled impulse purchase?
They won’t tell you this, but all of the happiness and satisfaction you’re searching for, along with each of those little chemicals that make your brain feel good, are all hidden within your very next large, hyperfixation-fueled impulse purchase!
So why don’t you go on ahead and grab that credit card, throw caution to the wind, and chase that good feeling? You certainly won’t regret it. No one has ever regretted making a large, hyperfixation-fueled impulse purchase! Never!
#vent post#didn’t make this post with the intention to sound vaguely like a WTNV fake-sponsorship segment but here we are i guess lmao#anyways hello i have been taking measurements and making calculations and having a big ol’ time all morning#having a lot of genuine fun making Plans for my latest Big Idea that i’ve been cooking up#but then i ran into a wall and the flow-state crashed and reality and self-awareness set back in and now im here yapping abt it#the large purchase is for once actually not in reference to whaling on gacha games this time#Spring has arrived and with it my Aquarium Addiction has once again been revived and i have. Plans#that may or may not involve placing a $500+ order for a custom acrylic aquarium. :)#bc i just can’t have normal hobbies nooOOOO it’s always gotta be the most difficult stressful and expensive shit on earth#but after the past 3 days of planning and moving things around in the house and throwing my back out#i have just realized that the aquarium stand i planned to use will need Further modifications in order to be compatible. fuck!!!#and so as usual when i hit any minor speed-bump while on my fixation-train. i have crashed the train and set it on fire and am debating#abandoning the project entirely. bc i would need to ask **** for help with modifying the stand. and **** is Not in the mood to help me.#like not just for today but for the foreseeable future or maybe ever. i think i’ve already reached his limit of help for this#if i go in there like ‘heeeyyy so y’know that stand i had you spend all that time reinforcing? yeah it needs more. more modifications.’#and i actually don’t even know if it can even be made to work at this point. and i do Not have the money for a new stand#the tank is one thing but the whole point of this project was to make use of the stand i already have#without that it’s just an unjustifiable waste of money bc im starved for happy chemicals and want a big new aquarium to distract me.#anyways i haven’t. Ordered the tank yet. in spite of my use of the term ‘impulse’ im not. That unhinged with money#i won’t order it until i know For Certain that everything else about the plan will work. but sighhhh man i don’t know if it will!!!#but now i’ve got my heart all set on this plan (as if i really need 50 more gallons of water in my room) and i don’t wanna let it goooooo#maybe i’ll try to ask him when/if he’s in a better mood tomorrow. maybe it can still work. but until then i must distract myself#or im just gonna sit here tweaking the plan until i get a migraine bc i am addicted to. making aquarium plans. for some reason.#in other (related) news thanks to the fucking tariffs my $170 Venti cape order had to be cancelled bc i just cannot pay another $200#in tariffs just to get the fucking thing into the country. so that has been refunded and my Dream Venti Cape will have to remain a dream#maybe one day i will try to find someone within the US that i could perhaps commission to make me a custom cape. but not today#bc the Fish have taken back over my brain and i turned around and spent the cape money on… More Fish for my existing aquariums 😔#like Yes i Am aware that im using this all to distract myself from The Horrors in the rest of my life and that it’s not sustainable#but after looking for so long and finding nothing but pink ones how do i turn down brown dojo loaches being sold for $5 a pop??? i Had to.#ok im out of tags so that means it’s time to shut up and go do a water change on the 55gal before i get too tired to do it today.
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#not to be dramatic but genuinely everything feels pointless#and living dopamine hit to dopamine hit just feels like a distraction from everything going to shit#’but there’s so much to live for!’ like what? seeing my loved ones age and die?#seeing the planet deteriorate?#art feels like a distraction and doesn’t have the catharsis it used to have#i am undervalued and underpaid at work and my home life is bleak.#going to read for the rest of the night and clean my room tomorrow and hope that that’s the reset i need#because i just feel so out of it.#and i don’t think it’s a side effect of my new medication bc it’s only been 4 days#and it takes like at minimum a week to have an effect allegedly#so. idk.#personal
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More coherent thoughts about today's pokemon horizons episode in the tags
#vi rambling#pokemon#losing my mind over my fav characters childhood pictures. i do find it interesting that his childhood seems genuinely very happy#because it's definitely not what i pictured seeing how cold and aloof he grew up to be.#i gather his mother died in a car crash (i heavily suspect thats not the real cause but we will see about that) so i assume that could#cause his withdrawn nature#but something that stood out to me is that these pictures are framed and displayed.#which means his childhood both happy and he remembers it as such as its framed in his home and in his room (or what i assume is his room)#definitely seemed closer to his mother than his father which seems to deepen after she passed on.#which are nice details !! they betray expectations but draw more parallels between him and liko tbh#both come from deeply flawed families but they were raised with a lot of care in that sense.#because even after his mother passed away it seems hamber was the one who raised him#i just hope we'll know more about his mother and that she will have a significant role because... theres too many thematic threads#that need to be tied to her. to allow her to go so unaddressed. mostly Who did gibeon have a child with#how did he get out of that ravine. what happened during the rest of his life . etc etc.#i see more and more threads being pulled into the direction that spinel has known gibeon for a while and that gibeon trusts him#and they have a weird secretive bond.#contrary to popular (and amethio's) belief im still doubtful hes going to betray gibeon#and more leaning into the possibility of both of them “betraying�� hamber and amethio. considering everything we know about future episodes#I'll have to wait for subs tomorrow but these are things that come to mind.
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first week back at school and ahhhhhh everything is a little overwhelming currently
- my living space is full of boxes i have simply not had the energy to unpack at all.... hopefully this weekend (but i have also been invited to a Social Event so WE SHALL SEE)
- this school year is going to have So Much Important Stuff happening inbetween the many weeks of practice placement
- such as The Academic Text
- AND i need to finish the big project i was supposed to have finished ages ago
- our teacher this year speaks swedish with a very thick french accent and i speak norwegian with a dialect, we really struggle to understand one another but maybe hopefully that will change over time.... please...........
- i'm stressed about Stupid Bureaucracy Stuff
- and im so so sleepytired :(((
- and it's too humid and warm for comfort :(((((
AT LEAST I HAVE CUTE SOCKS

purchased in a distraught jetlag haze and subsidized by my travel insurance. they're my favourites now
#swedenquest#everything happens so much :(((#but i will be okay...!!!!!!!! no unsolicited advice please#in fact i have been given resources for metacognitive therapy to fight my brain demons and im excited to get more into that#but also how am i supposed to read anything under these circumstances.#tomorrow is self study day and if i wasn't so stressed about Big Project I would've made myself stay at home and rest/unpack#ill simply have to compromise. sleep a little bit longer; couple hours of tinkering at school#take it easy but take it!!!!#also god i was first out to have kitchen cleaning responsibilities this week#which isnt Hard u just need to run the break room dishwasher and take out the trash BUT#the trash bags are the worst quality trash bags i have ever encountered. they tore at my touch.#i tried so hard to remove the trash from the trash cans in a neat and professional manner but it all kept falling apart#and next thing you know there's coffee grounds all over the floor and everyone looks at you with pity#i got some help but it was so stressful and Bad#and there's someone in the 2nd year who keeps emptying the dishwasher even tho it's not their turn and I WOULD DO IT IF U WAITED FIVE MINUT#they did this all the time last year too and it's like. i get that they're stressed out by dishes in the sink or whatever i really do get i#but it's really messing with the system and like... teaching everyone else to not contribute??? because they don't even get to??#AND i lost at minigolf with like 20 more points than everyone at my team#which i genuinely wouldn't mind except i dragged the average score down so bad we could never have won anything#FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL GOING FINE
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I will never fucking understand the need to call the cops on someone when they are just CHILLING IN THEIR CAR
#I seriously should have kept count at this point cause this is fucking RIDICULOUS#I need to move#I need to fucking MOVE#I think it’s kind of a privileged thing to think ‘why would anyone want to just chill in their car?’#hmmm idk Brenda#maybe cause they don’t like where they are living so their car is the only place they feel free#or idk maybe someone is actually living out of their car????????#if you park at a business for too long then they call the cops on you#you can’t park at a park past 10 which is fucking dumb#I’m lucky i live next to a 24 hour market otherwise I’d be fucked#I just genuinely can’t even think or fathom calling the cops on something like that?#I mean I’m never gonna call the cops let’s be honest#that’s like the last thing I’m gonna do#but OVER SOMEONE SITTING IN THEIR CAR#for longer than you think is acceptable or appropriate is just complete and utter bullshit#what do you say on that call#‘yeah hi 911 this person has been sitting outside for a while and I’m worried for my life’ like genuinely what would they say#the only time I understood was when I was falling asleep in my car and staying over night at this store#the girls were scared to walk to their car at night which I get so that’s the ONLY time I understood#the rest of the time was just bullshit#I’ve lost count by now but I wanna say I’ve been called on at least 10+ times in the last year#just for sitting in my car????#I’m sorry I’m fuming#I need to move 🙃🙃🙃🙃#all my reservations of making a spicy page have gone out the window#expect to be seeing it drop asap I can’t stand this shit anymore#everything I make from tips or my page will be directly going towards getting my own place and moving#I hope and pray in everything good in this universe that my life will turn around cause I can’t handle this anymore I really can’t#rant over I’m sorry shutting up now#shut up rosie
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future for scientist, bound for cadaver, and monster for both of them? 🤔
future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?
SO unfortunately for scientist i think the worst outcome for her is. achieving immortality FJNFJFN despite that being the one thing shes working towards yk. i think deepdown she knows this but shes still pursuing it bc shes basically in denial abt it... i think her being immortal would rly enhance some of her worst traits. like she already feels disconnected/dofferent/isolated from other people (which is partially why shes pursuing immortality in the first place) but if she got it it would just be. soooo much worse. i truly believe if she did become immortal shed fuck off to like. the most isolated place on earth and shed never talk to another person ever again. Which she might think is a good thing but it absolutely would not be
bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?
soo this one is difficult bc cadavers backstory im changing my mind on it majorly atm... previously i did have him being arrested and held in prison for a while and then being broken out/recaptured by scientist but im not sure if i still want all that .. the like. nature of his ... Whole thing has changed a lot since i originally came up with her so im not sure if that still works. like it Could but idk... so this one is a bit of a weird question to answer atm bc i havent fully decided yet... i suppose depending on how much control you view cadaver as having you could say like. living with scientist is imprisonment but i do think if cadaver actually wanted to get out it probably could. SO idk... also scars r also being reconsidered in my mind bc previously i had him Getting scars but now im not sure if that actually makes sense with the healing thing... but the issue is one of the main reasons i made him is bc i think autopsy scars r cool 😭😭😭 so i dont know...
monster: Is your OC monstrous in any way? Is there something that makes them monstrous? Are they aware of their own monstrosity? Do they accept it or reject it?
scientist: YAY so i think scientist has always felt inherently other. but i think meeting cadaver RLY changed her for the worst like. she literally regularly murders another person. and yeah he gets better but you dont just like... even if its not permanent you cant just become ok with killing someone without being a little bit off. yk. i think physically shes human (unless i decide that she Does take on the whole possession thing. constant flipflopping in connorland) but i think mentally she goes from being like. kind of a misanthropic loner to being like. she basically simultaneously views cadaver as an ideal that shes jealous of (bc he has the one thing she wants, and bc she feels a sort of connection w it bc they have like.. similar but different motivations. yk...). and if the only person youve ever felt any sort of similarity to is a corpse possessed by ambiguous force i dont think youre like . you know ...
cadaver: so this is soo fun bc ive actually been considering having cadaver a bit more monstrous like. physically. bc obviously shes not human anymore BUT i think itd be fun if the possession had some physical effects on him... currently he just has the extreme healing/resurrection abilities but id imagine hed probably have some sort of enhanced strength as well. and i just love when possession has a physical component... but yes. EMOTIONALLY i think cadaver is weirdly in denial abt being a monster. like. i think she views the original part of her the one that died as like. the monstrous one. it feels more human now that its possessed bc prior to her death she was like. Somewhat similar to scientist in that she was very isolated but it was less of a choice if this makes sense. like scientist consciously isolates herself from ppl bc she just Assumes that they arent like. sorry im turning this into being about scientist again DJFNJF cadaver go lay at the bottom of the pool or something im busy. but yk she has that like. a view of herself thats seperate from other people/from humanity so she just doesnt bother talking to other people bc she assumes they would never understand. yk. so it is A choice to isolate from ppl (altho she also like..does not have social skills at all. as a result of this choice. so yk...) but w cadaver cadaver was alllways desperate for connection but in a like. rather than searching for One specific like. Unattainable kind of connection he wanted anything. and thats why she was so enthusiastic abt the connection bc it meant there would always be like. Someone. yk. and obv post connection shes a lot more like. confident and Able to make friends despite being physically more disconnected from humanity if this makes sense. so yes. i think cadaver is Literally more monstrous than scientist but i dont think thats how he feels abt himself at all.
link to ask game!
#i hope this makes sense i rambled so bad i love thinking abt like. their views of themselves. yk..#the parallels between predeath cadaver and scientist r rly rly fascinating to me which is funny bc I made them up DJFNFJFN but like.#bc w scientist like. her motivation for immortality is bc she wants to know Everything. she wants to transcend like. humanity and she wants#fully seperate herself from the human part of herself that shes always hated. which is the part that Wants connection and wants to feel#understood. she basically wants to be a robot or a god or something like that. yk. a part of her wants to remain human and the rest of her#Hates that part. yk. whereas w cadaver her immortality motivation was kind of like. tbh the immortality was a side effect NDNFJFNF he was#just like Ooh boy a thing who lives in my head who will intrinsically get me and never leave me and well be together forever. And bonus will#help me talk to people and everyone will love me and view me as a god. YAYYYY YAYYYY. and then the immortality is just kind of another bonus#bc w cadaver it just loves like. attention. and being seen in ANY way. so post death i think likeee. bc of its immortality other ppl tend to#revere it . yk. its personality is sort of magnetic despite the feeling of it judt being like. off. yk. i think that fulfills the need and#it kind of doesnt care that its like. they still dont actually understand him yk. hes still An other to them. she just views it as adoration#which is what it wants. you know. i think theres a partnof cadaver that still feels empty and longs for like. Genuine care#if this makes any sense at all. BUT YA IDK. THIS MAY MAKE NOOO SENSE AT ALL. the ramblerrr
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vent
My parents found my psychiatrist's appointment notice
And then I got lectured.
Mom: you don't have any illness. YOU DON'T. It's normal to feel negative emotions when you're struggling, but that doesn't mean you're sick. All you have to do is adjust yourself and change what you're doing to cheer yourself up.
Me, remembering the weeks when I felt like dying every day and when I was so depressed that I couldn't even get out of bed: ...
At least I wasn't yelled at. At least they're not forbidding me to go or anything (even if they did I would find a way to sneak out)
Update: nevermind she's telling me not to go.
I'm fucking go though.
#like I get why my mom has these opinions#it's from her history with the medical system and how it failed her#but I need this#and she thinks I'm trying to rely on the psychiatrist to help myself#I'm not#I literally just want a diagnosis#that's it#the rest I have friends I have you guys I have the school consuelor#I just want some proof that I'm not a shit person and the terrible thoughts in my head aren't my fault#I think I'm gonna lie and tell them I cancelled it#even if I get a diagnosis it won't mean shit to them#she genuinely believes that a set of Chinese exercises is the solution to everything#I'm fucking done#thinking for moving out for half a year/next semester
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you know if you guys voted for stretch armstrong i probably would have shut up a lot sooner tonight
#so really this is all your fault /lh /j#i love thinking about h2o tho so im happy#VERY FUCKING TIRED THO WISH I COULD SLEEP#i think my brain is kicking into overdrive after being filled with cotton the past 3 days which. hey im glad ur back bud#CAN YOU SHUT UP NOW I NEED REST#i was just thinking because im probably not posting that essay i will summarize here (i saw#that privating it made it lose like 4 recently edited paragraphs and i don't want to type all that out again my memory isn't good enough)#it just boiled down to the pods basically making a self fulfilling prophecy by orphaning their sons and making them increasingly#desperate for connections to other people like them which is why i think erik behaves the way he does esp when ondina is around#like i am not excusing his actions in the slightest dont get me wrong here he really fucked up BUT#his last conversation with ondina before he goes to the chamber kind of sold that idea to me#how he scoffs at her saying rita says it's dangerous because she's 'old school' and of COURSE old school mermaids think all mermen are evil#and then starts adding on how he wants to do this for HER and get her home back for her by controlling it#like a bit of an add-on at the end to try and convince her#i think what he really wants is to be hailed as a hero. you know. validation and acceptance from the ppl who originally abandoned him#the OGs who made him feel like an outsider. the ppl who ripped everything away from him just bc of the way he was born (which is prob why#when he's trying to convince zac to help him he keeps bringing up their ancestors bc that's what unifies them)#i don't think he's an evil dude per se i think he thought stealing the trident stone from rita's grotto would be small peanuts in the past#once he finally got the pod to come home bc he genuinely (mistakenly) believed he COULD control the power of the chamber#i also think that's why the camera keeps focusing on his face when he's watching the others panic over#zac's sacrifice and i think he is feeling jealousy bc they are paying attention to him and not Erik#like that's not the face of someone who deeply regrets what they just did. my guy is just sitting there like 'that should be me rn'#i think that is why he also sounds so desperate to make things right with ondina afterwards. iirc he's just like 'wait no we can start ove#RIGHT?' and she's like 'uhhhh... no??????' (valid). my dude is lonely as fuck and he finally found a group of ppl like him and he messed up#big time just trying to get their attention and affection bc he couldn't just be normal abt it he had to go big or go home#like i kind of feel bad for him in a way#but i feel bad for everyone#i felt bad for denman the other day! that's how bad this is getting!!#i mean come on imagine making the scientific discovery of a LIFETIME only for all that shit to happen in a row#especially after you get your comeback. they just go right back to fucking you over again
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#rant cw#🌙.txt#i'm genuinely so scared rn 😃 i'm trying to distract myself and have fun but it's so hard#like. i know i'm privileged bc at least i have a safe place to stay and i could make it here before everything got worse#and i know there are people going through much worse than me#but i'm TERRIFIED bc there's a high chance we might actually lose everything this time bc this flood is SO much worse than the last one#and if we lose everything then what the fuck are we gonna do...#how many times are we gonna have to deal with this kind of situation#i couldn't sleep bc i was too anxious and now i'm tired#and i just saw a video of a bunch of cows being DRAGGED by the fcking water and they looked so scared :(#i keep crying i feel so powerless#bc literally the only thing i can do is wait and pray that the damage won't be bad to the point where we can't recover from it#i'm sorry i keep posting about this and again i know i'm more privileged than a LOT of people#but i just need to vent bc i honestly have never felt this scared in my life#i'll try to at least take a nap now tho. i need some rest
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maaannnn The Fatigue has been so bad lately i just want this day to be over so i can sleep. theres literally not anything else i could do... but i have to wait...
#i hate it so much im too tired all the time. i do not know what it feels like to not be tired. i dont remember the last time i wasnt tired.#i dont think i was ever not tired genuinely. even as a little kid i remember being tired to my core#the kind of tiredness you feel tingling in your bones dragging on you everywhere you go and in everything you do. its always with me#i wanna clarify that this is a symptom of the type of thalasemia i have and not exactly chronic fatigue syndrome though. but comparable.#i just wanna say that so ppl dont get the wrong idea. but yeah.#i havent really gotten a proper break in weeks and like. i NEED those breaks i feel like my body genuinely cant keep going like this#so i just need to be officially off the clock so i can go sleep and hopefully i can get some legit rest in the coming days#idk fingers crossed bc i fear ill collapse otherwise LOL! (not funny)#and all things considered i have a pretty cushy gig rn! esp considering i dont pay rent and stuff since im like a live-in sitter#but i dont think i was built to be able to hold down any type of proper job. and this wont last forever. i dont know what ill do from here#im too eepy
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