#i miss him so bad im relapsing

[xxplastic-cubexx]

Hello,,,, snatchcube, i have a sin to confess,,, i am the same person who was bullying my friend for not playing the turorials in mavel rivals but,,, the only reason i dont play magneto is because i suck like poop,,, and somehow loki was easier for me,,, i am sorry 😔 i am buying his emblem in the battle pass tho

DUDE HOLD ON SNATCHCUBE ???????

oh but like. Everything else. I dont even remember The Tutorial Scandal tbh…… highkey i didnt even know there was turorials so im guilty too then…. Lol… no one likes playing tank its ok no crime committed here……. But donations for The King is always praised 👁👁

[selenoplexia]

logging back in just bc this is my only private diary

[zeninprincess]

rehab; a. hayakawa

wc: 3.6k | aki hayakawa x reader | nsfw 🔞

warning(s): mentions of nicotine addiction 🚬, toxic relationship (aki is neglectful partner, reader is too attached to aki), power dynamic, gaslighting, p in v, cunnilingus, fingering, blowjob, creampie, breeding 🥧

aki keeps saying that you're the one needed him as if he didn't need you when you left him. but then again, maybe you did need him as much as he needed his cigarettes

a/n: purple prose, im trying to expand my english vocabs. sorry if it's annoying. ty for understanding!! also guess what songs inspired me to write this.

i. withdrawal

aki loves to smoke even though he knew it would hurt his lungs, however it's hard not to smoke. he knew it could kill him someday yet he still do the very thing that might end him. smoking traps the man in a vicious cycle of needing to consume and feeling guilty to the point he'd stop smoking for a couple of day but then, withdrawal would hit him hard and before he knew it, he relapsed.

it's a never ending cycle of hurt, guilt, and a desire to burn. its addicting and when it hits you, it hits hard. to say that you hate that aki has an addiction to something as bad as cigarettes is an understatement, although you yourself is addicted to something else that hurts you. and it was love. you love him even though it hurts you, even when it rips your self worth apart.

you found yourself crying to sleep after an argument, but just like a smoker to nicotine, you can't get enough of him. in the morning you'd come to him and everything will be fine. he’ll pat you on your head and fucks you good. to say you needed him is an understatement but it's not far from the truth. you couldn't shake the feeling that you needed him, almost as if you were addicted to his presence. it was more than just a strong desire; it was a deep-seated need that seemed to consume you.

waking up in the dead of night, you couldn't feel his presence on his side of the bed. the duvet was cold, mirroring his words a few hours ago when you two were screaming at each other over the fact he rarely comes home. the coolness of the duvet being a stark reminder of his absence.

you'd find him on the balcony smoking. he does this everytime he can't sleep. and when he's done he'd flick them out on the street. you watch him as he inhale nicotine and exhale smoke.

perhaps you two are more alike than you've realized. both of you seem drawn to the thrill of danger, the adrenaline rush of near misses. addiction, in its various forms, seems to have a hold on both of you. the highs and lows of your tumultuous relationship, much like the intense cravings and withdrawals experienced by those addicted to substances, keep you both coming back for more. it's a dangerous cycle, fueled by the intense heat of your passion, akin to the burning sensation of aki's cigarettes.

remember, addiction can be a destructive force, and if left unchecked, it can lead to devastating consequences. thrilling sensation and feelings of hunger for love destroys you little by little.

being with aki really deconstructed you as a person. the way he made you feel so lonely yet fills your loneliness it was a paradoxical experience. you also felt that you're the only one who's trying in this relationship, aki acts like a broken radio, echoing nothing back to you. he kept you waiting, hoping he'd say something back or repay your effort but it was met with radio silence. he made you question your desirability with the way he treats you.

he's not a jerk who hurts you physically nor did he fool around with other chicks, sometimes you wish he did so it'll help you hate him and justify your actions. he just doesn't give any attention outside when he's dicking you down, he doesn't really give you praise or express his love to you. he just doesn't care that much. it's torturing you. it really looks like a one sided love to outsiders who don't know that you two are together.

but you're no saint either. aki felt like you were too attached to him, unhealthily. but that feelings of your inability to live without him is a better feeling than being loved by you. he felt alive and sober with you needing him. he loves your effort, though he hated the way you keep uttering phrases like

“do you love me aki?” you ask with puffy eyes.

to him, he's a silent lover only showing how much he loves you through hard love and his own way. he prefers working hard til morning than to cuddle with you after waking up because he wants you to live a comfortable life. he'd rather risk his life killing devils just to get minimum wage than see your feet swollen after taking orders for 6 hours a day as a waitress.

“a question that need not be asked nor answered” he replied as he drew a big one.

“you never took me out on dates anymore” you nagged.

“woman i cook dinner for you every time i'm home, besides it's not safe out there what if some devil eats you alive? what then? i'm not paying for your funeral when we could barely feed ourselves” he said in his neutral tone. you rolled your eyes. “you're not even at home every day aki”

“and you never told me how pretty i am”

“am i just a free dishwasher who you only fuck whenever you wanted?”

“have you ever cuddled me these days?”

“i guess i wasnt wrong when i say you're cheating huh? i guess thats why youre rarely home”

“answer me aki!!”

you were growing desperate after each question. and still he's soundless.

“god i hate you. please let me go aki. please i beg of you” this doesn't feel like home anymore, the strange foreign beauty in front of you didn't even bother looking your way as you paced to the shared bedroom and pack your belongings.

“i'm leaving you for good. goodbye aki, may we never cross paths ever again” you say for the thousandth time as you put on your coat and unlock the entrance to your freedom. hearing the slam of the door he could only sigh knowing you’ll be back.

you always come back.

right?

a week passed by and nothing changed except you're gone now and it's eating aki from inside. he fell deep into a spiraling mess, he didn't eat, did not sleep, he never came home instead he distracted himself by working incessantly. afterall, his sanctuary was gone, and the lingering scent of your perfume stuck inside the 16 by 16 unit you two used to share and it brings him to reality that the only trace of you left was the unwashed dishes and messy duvet from the day you left.

he isn't the same man anymore, he was just a shell of what once was inside. lost in his thoughts which were dominated by you, he sighed. today he's smoking at the park where you two met each other for the first time. ashes fall to the ground. he flicks off the half burned ciggy, he finds it hard to enjoy the cigarette not knowing where you are and who you're with.

you had him blocked off on every social media, you changed your number, cut your beautiful hair to above the shoulder it was a much needed reset. staying in a cheap motel, you found solace in nicotine. aki was right, smoking helped numb the pain and for a moment it gave you the illusion that aki was near you smoking on the balcony like how it used to be.

“may you never forget me aki hayakawa and the pain you've caused me” you muttered under your breath.

ii. anticipation

‘ahh~ ahhnn’

‘s-shoo good!! harder aki harder!!’

“Fffuck” up and down the shaft he copies the rhythm from the video. aki watches you bounce up and down his cock on his phone. you're so pretty all sticky and flustered like that on top of him. his body trembled in pleasure, eyes shut tightly and toes curling as he heard you moan on max volume.

“fuck name i need you so bad” he cried out as he rode the highs feeling the building up orgasm. he reminisce how tight and warm your pussy was around his cock. his heart pounds as he reaches orgasm, he calls out your name, riding the orgasm. in his mind you were there lapping his tongue while going up and down pounding your cervix letting him fill you up with his cum.

the fluid overflows from the tip of his cock to the duvet under him. the video still playing on his phone, he was brought back to reality. sitting at the edge of the bed naked, post nut clarity hits him. aki puts on his boxer before reaching to the bedside table for his cigarette box. seventeen minutes past midnight, aki had found out that the box was empty, sighing he put on his jeans and shirt. he needed a quick fix, thus he went to the convenience store across the street which was a familiar destination.

inside the convenience store, he picked one cigarette between selections of many. he picked the one with cotton candy flavour. it smelled like your perfume that has long gone in the span of 7 weeks. he tried everything in his power to keep the residual odour inside. going as far as refusing to open the window and balcony but it was no use because in the end he had inhaled all the scent.

at the same time you were walking home from the waitressing shift which you took since you needed money to pay rent. kicking the rock on the curbside, you reveal white stocking underneath your miniskirt you had to wear as it's part of the dress code. walking down the street near your old apartment. you stop by a convenience store, a familiar figure was leaning against the glass window. neon lights illuminates the figure. a smoke came out of his system.

his hair were longer, eyebags presents itself, he noticed you walking towards him. was that really you? he thought to himself. you wore a long coat, a mini skirt and a white blouse that hugged your figure just right and your hair, it's shorter now he didn't think you'd look that good in short hair. he knew you'd come back, though a bit longer than what he had anticipated.

your heels clicking against concrete, his eyes glimmering with hope as you get closer and closer. you clutch your handbag tightly. you stand beside him, leaning on the glass window before falling to your knees crying exhausted. aki removed the cigarette on his lips and crouched down to your level.

“i hate you but i don't have anywhere else to stay” you confessed, chin resting on your knees. “you have me. i'm where you're supposed to stay at” he said, hesitating to pat your back. as excited as he might be, he couldn't express the fact that his longing for you had ended the second you made eye contact with him.

you tilt your head towards him, “i missed you”

“come back to me doll” he say as he opened his arm far and wide waiting for you to fall into his hug to which you didn't take a second to do. you cried in his arms. you keep relapsing back to him no matter what you do. it's a bad habit yet you don't mind if you destroy your life chasing the never ending fire.

you took his hand and walk back to your forever home with him.

iii. relapse - intoxication

he kissed you incessantly on the way there, groping you all over your curves. as soon as the door closed he took your coat off and ripped open your blouse. buttons flew everywhere. still kissing you, his tongue explores your cave, one hand cupping your cheek, the other one fondling your breast. he broke the kiss for a moment to regain his breath.

“let me show you the way i love you dollface”

he sucks on your neck leaving a red mark, grinding his hardness on your exposed black laced panties. your skirt rode up to your navel, aki pinned you to the door. “mmm aki~” you cooed as he bury his face on the crook of your neck.

he picks you up in the bridal style to the bedroom. you sprawl yourself onto the sticky duvet, god knows what's making it sticky. ugh. your attention snapped back to the man who's pinning you on all fours. chills send down your spine as you're half naked. the room was dark. the only thing that illuminates the room was the moonlight.

“aki i know you want me but-” you paused, parallel to his hand that were fondling your mounds. “i'm here to crash not to stay”

“yeah yeah keep yapping angel i know you” his pepper kisses on your mound felt like a rapid fire. using your free hand you unzipped his pants, freeing his member. “you think you can leave me that easily? nuh uh baby. you're addicted to me” that cocky remark really did something to you because now your folds are soaked.

“shit we got hurricane katrina under here”

after cupping your pussy through your panties he felt how damp it was. he slid it down to your thighs. his index finger circles your clit, you writhe in pleasure, moaning loudly as he keeps torturing your clit enjoying the way you tremble in pleasure each time his plush finger flicks your clit. “ahn- aki!!” you screamed, at this point your neighbours probably has heard your unholy mewls.

he undresses you properly before opening his clothes. you two are naked now. he sat on the bed. leaning himself against the headboard, his cock twitches. aki looks at you, he waits in anticipation as you begin to lubricate your hand with your spit. you pump your fist around his member, he moans as you move your hand up and down. lowering your head, his tip kisses your plush lips. precum overflows, god you are heavenly.

aki is enjoying your sweet time, licking and kissing his cock, worshipping him. he's afraid this feeling might turn into a full blown addiction, he loves the whole thing, the 7 weeks, the emotional turmoil he felt when you left, and the happiness when you came running back to him. he loves your hopelessness, he loves that you're addicted to him, and especially he loves the way you're choking on his cock right now. “s too big akii” tears running down your eyes, yet you keep bobbing your head on his shaft. such a hypocrite.

“you're acting as if we've never done this before baby” he grabs a handful of your hair and slams your head down to his cock. spit and cum pools on your mouth and cheeks. “god you're such ah~” he moans “s-slut” you fasten your pace and sucking on his cock harder to stimulate him. not long after you change pace, thick ropes of cum spurt on your mouth “ffuck” his eye rolls in pleasure.

this was so long overdue, it was what you two needed after all. communication maybe the key to a good relationship but nothing beats a good sloppy head. “you're so pretty. fuck when was the last time we did this?”

“um like 6 fucking months ago? since you're so busy you just go straight to bed” you replied with a hint of annoyance on your tone.

“get on all fours since you wanna be a bitch” he smacks your ass before getting behind you waiting for you to get on all fours. “jerk” is all that you can say before his tongue assaults your folds. and all you can do is shriek in surprise before you melt in his mouth. he flicks his tongue, eating you out, making out with your pussy. his hands grips your rear end you're positive it'll leave a nice red mark in the morning. he pulls out with a hitching breath with a string of saliva being the only reason his lips are still connected to your pretty pink pussy. “god you're so sexy” he watched your trembling body from behind your only response was to pull his head back to your pussy. “you're awful at this aki” feeling challenged, aki enters two digit inside while he sucks on your clit you can feel him smirking when you tremble.

feeling your pussy tightens, he pulls out his digits, denying you the pleasure of cumming. he smacks your ass with his hand again.

“uhn aki why did you do that” you changed position into laying back

he didn't mutter a word, instead he spit on his cock, preparing to enter you. spreading your legs apart. he looks godly like this, with his hair down, sweat trickling down his toned abs, and the way he eye you down like a predator preparing to strike its prey. he smacks his cock on your wet pussy.

“were doing it raw tonight, ill make sure you're pregnant with my bastard after this is done” he said

while waiting in anticipation, you watch him as he spit on his cock, lubricating it so it'll slide easier inside your tight pussy hole. you felt your core burning inside. then he spreads your legs apart, his cock dangling, sticking on your fold. using one hand he guides his long thick erect member inside you. you hissed as he brute forced his way inside of you.

“fuck- that's it baby, take it all” he kissed your forehead before licking your tears away.

“ngghhh aki~ i can't take it anymore”

“shh baby, you're doing so good” he starts moving in and out of your pussy.

fuck, he needed this, more than cigarettes. listening to your mewls and looking at your hair sticking on your bare skin, you drooling, pussy clenching his dick tightly just like the way you hug him, you just can't let go of him.

and it took him all his fibre muscle not to cum right now. you scratch his back just enough to make him shudder in pain and pleasure. he definitely needed to make you a mama. wet sloppy sounds echoing in the small room, mixed with a faint sound of bed creaking.

“aki I cant- I'm gonna-” he cuts you off by sucking your tits. “ahhh fuck. aki I'm gonna cum”

his mouth left your nipples, “yeah you're gonna cum f’me baby?” he looks at you with those puppy eyes of his that he only showed you when he's lovesick.

“fuck name, let's do it together. get pregnant with my kids yeah?” he asks you hoping you'd let him knock you up. your mind was hazy as climax approached you couldn't think of anything else but cumming. “yes! yes aki! please make me pregnant!!” he thrusts deeper before finally feeling how tight your hole is, clenching him tighter by the second. hot liquid fills your womb while you squirt your cum all over his cock. you felt a little touch of death, aki fell on top of you, arms around your waist, cock still snuggling inside of you.

heavy breathing paced between you and aki. he kissed your eyelids, spouting praises and sweet talks. you've never felt so loved before. face buried on his neck you struggled to breath with aki on top of you, and only you can know how nice it felt to be so closed like this even when you're crushed under his weight. aki, noticing the way you struggle to breath moved himself beside you. he grabbed a cigarette from the mahogany table near the creaking bed, he reached for the silver plated lighter adjoining the pack. this habit of cigarettes after sex wasn't unknown of aki.

“i know you'll come back to me eventually” aki fires away his sassy remark while inhaling the fumes. hands extending to his, you reached for the cigarette that sits between the plush pale lips of his. it's your turn now.

“my landlord kicked me out” you confessed. “i don't miss you aki” but this was probably a lie, a snort came out of aki as he eyed you. smoke escaped your lips while you were spatting out those words.

“you needed me name” but maybe aki did need you too, maybe more than you needed him. it's ironic how akis now the one addicted to the burning sensation of you, things have flipped around.

“you're the one that's been babbling about me til now. let's talk about how you actually feel bro. but for starters, fuck you and all of your shits aki. i missed you” sigh escaped your lips

“i want you to need me like you need your cigarettes. i hate to admit this but i'm jealous of the devils you hunt everyday, i wish you'd dedicate your time to me the way you dedicate it to do your job that doesn't even pay you that good aki. is it that hard to do so?”

aki took the cigarette out of your mouth. he sat up, his digits traced your moon lit skin, separating baby hairs that sticks from your forehead. “atleast tell me how much you care about me aki” he laughed at that statement not in a mocking way, but in a playful way.

“im sorry for treating you the way i've treated you”

love can be as addicting as nicotine, it's craving as intense, and withdrawal will always be as painful as a heartbreak. and just like a smoker needs their fix, a lover needs love to fill the absence they feel.

he ruffles your hair, finishing his cigarette.

“thank you”

even when you know all these are just talk no substance, you still feel at bliss. aki himself smiled before he kissed you and one day you'll learn that love doesn't need to feel like a nicotine in the sense of it's addicting. and that sometimes, it's best to let go of the remaining cigarette before it reaches the end of the stick and burns your lips. but for now, bask in the intoxicating warmth and the overwhelming intensity because rehab isn't needed when destruction feels this good.

©️ zeninprincess 2024. reposting, plagiarizing, translating or claiming my works are strictly forbidden.

[this-hopeless-war]

i haven't been online so here's some headcanons idk if i've posted before im eepy

(tw talking about sh, kinda dark so don't read if that's triggering, that part will be at the end and separated so you can easily skip it)

Ace fucking loves snow

Dallas has shitty vision but he doesn't want nor can he afford glasses (and let's be honest, he'd break em within a day)

When Pony turned 15 Soda started teaching him about cars and etc, when pony was 16 he got a job at the DX 

Due to them working together Pony started to like Steve more

Darry hates when it rains because it means he can't do his roofing gig and he'll come home stressed/grumpy over missing a day of his paycheck

Dally can go a scary long time without sleep, he'll be up for 2 days straight and still be socializing and shit

Dally and Two-Bit once had a drinking contest that didn't end well for anyone involved 

Two-Bit took high school drama (thinking about this is genuinely how I get through the day at school)

During the week Pony was gone, Soda vented to Steve a lot, they honestly grew a lot closer

The first time he was alone after Pony and Johnny got back, Steve cried from relief

⬇️warning here's where talk of sh starts (also added some resources at the end if you read them then feel distress😨)

Steve has had issues with sh (OUGH I love him)

And because of it being in an environment where mental health isn't really talked about at all or very understood, he doesn't really know that sh is, like, an actual thing, he just considers it a way to take out emotion when fighting isn't doing it

And no one ever really acknowledged it (they can see scars on his arm)

Though i'm toying around with headcanons for a bit in my head where (TW) he relapses at the back of the DX after a REALLY bad night where his dad said and did some not-so-handy-dandy things and Soda walks in (Spoiler alert: Steve gets a hug and cries but Soda doesn't cause he thinks he should be tough abt it or something, when he gets home he does though)

After that Steve is at the Curtis's even more and Soda even goes over to the Randle's a couple times cause when Steve is feeling really horrible he calls him up

I also have vague ideas for a bit with Evie

Where she, like, does smt abt it cause she's worried and he's always dodged questions

not 100% sure how it'll work yet though

This is a post of a list of hotlines for the USA, if you found this triggering or are in distress in general please message/call one

⬆️There are help lines everywhere, please done hesitate to search up the numbers for your country and call/text them

And here's just some websites or apps that can help you in times of distress

Have a handy dandy day!

[sheyfu]

sun and moon ☽｡⋆

𝗜𝗡 𝗪𝗛𝗜𝗖𝗛 a waltz takes place beneath the sun and moon.

feat. kamisato ayato (f!reader)

cw. none :)) js enjoy some tooth-rotting fluff (HELP I HOPE I DIDNT FLOP ERMMMM IM SO BAD AT WRITING ITS NOT EVFEN FUNNY ANYMORE 😓😓) (omg does 'kinda proofread' count as a cw ERMMM HASUDHUSADHA)

note. GRAHHHHHH MS SAIGON RELAPSE (i wasnt able to watch it live when they did the ph leg D: but my cousin sent the clips he took and now i cant stop watching them (especially sun and moon and the last night of the world [and the finale 😈😈😈] so you can expect [kinda] ms saigon related works HUAHDUASHDUH (gang im still tryna expand my vocab when it comes to very flowery words so HAUDHAUDH my works will [probably] get better from here trust) + this was written with miss saigon's sun and moon (specifically lea salonga and simon bowman's version) playing in the bg on repeat so yeah HWHAHAHA wc. 504

“may i have this dance with you?”

the moon casts its gentle gaze upon the beings of chinju forest — a symphony of frogs sing with the breeze as a troupe of bake-danuki accompany the piece with their dance.

in the midst of all these, a hand is offered.

"quite the romantic you are, mr. commissioner,” you show him a grin as you take his hand, slotting your bodies to form a cocoon of melody and warmth.

“only for you, milady,” the commissioner, kamisato ayato, returns your grin — his warmth radiating off your body as you fall into a steady waltz under the bed of stars.

the pair dance under the moon’s watchful gaze; the string of harmony and rhythm from the beings reduce to a gentle diminuendo as the pair lock eyes with each other.

“careful now, ayato. wouldn’t want the shuumatsuban catching their lord tripping and stepping on his lady’s feet now, do we?” a chuckle escapes from your lips as you sway to the tempo of your hearts. 

ayato brings his forehead to yours as he pulls you closer, “hm? is that so? well, lucky for me”, he abruptly turns you to face the scenery of chinju forest — his hands lay on your hips as the ghost of his breath cascades down the shell of your ear, sending chills upon its caress — your gentle waltz coming to a momentary halt. “i have a great dance teacher who coincidentally has the same name of my lady. and for all i care, those ninjas shouldn’t be intruding on their masters’ alone time. hmph.” 

laughter bubbles up in your throat as you hear the rustles of nearby bushes around you. “oh? is that right? well, care to tell me about the oh so wonderful dance teacher you have?” turning to your lover once more, you catch him in an embrace as you resume the gentle sway of your bodies. 

“we’ll be here until dawn then, my dear.” ayato sends you a gentle smile; his hand leads your head to his beating heart, gentle pats landing on it as he does the same to your shoulder. 

“if that’s the case, then i am most honoured to share this night with you.” you feel the rumble of his chest as he entertains your idea.

“well then. should we start with the part when said teacher confessed her undying love for me, her student?” a playful lilt touches upon his words as he spins you around.

"hey now. that sounds like i did something... nefarious." a small pout forms on your lips as your husband chortles at you.

as the night joins with day, their waltz continued without a misstep — the string of harmony and rhythm continue to accompany the lovers as they get lost in their own world of tell and tale.

and with the gazes of both sun and moon, they continue to sway to their own beat — holding each other tight as if it was the last night of the world.

tagging: @ayrastv

🐈‍⬛️: genshin has been added to the list of options for my taglist! please access the gform below if you'd like to be added to my taglist <3

© sheyfu on tumblr

[mikotv]

Silent music

Warnings: Angst, sh(mentioned), near relapse, mental breakdown, a bit dark(??), reader x Simon Riley, male!reader(he/him pronouns), he’s a sad boy, m/n doesn’t get emotions, m/n has shitty parents, self doubt, suicidal thoughts, self destructive thoughts, destructive actions. Lmk if I missed anything!!

A/n: im so bad at English so I’m so sorry if this is written terribly😭 first time writing looong angst btw🫶🏼

He laid down on his bed, the shadows dancing within the dimly lit room. The only thing lighting up the room was the sunset shining in from the outside world.

M/n sniffled, however there was no tears, his eyes dry as he stared at the ceiling, taking in a silent breath in and out, like he was scared to make a noise, scared to make himself known to the room, even though being the only one in the room.

The (h/c) man brought his hands to his face, closing his eyes as he tried, oh so hard to drown out his thoughts with blasting heavy metal into them to the point the music was leaking out of the cheap earbuds m/n bought ages ago. M/n didn’t even like heavy metal all that much, maybe a mainstream song like ‘Master of puppets’ or ‘Cluster’ hidden deep in the playlist somewhere but he never truly got into the genre.

“He won’t miss you.”

Christ.

“He’ll just move on, forget about you, he’ll be happier without you.”

M/n turned up the music louder, getting the warning he was turning up his music too high and that he might damage his ears. M/n didn’t care.

“You really think he actually loves you? That’s pathetic, your own parents never loved you, so what makes you think he really loves you?”

He flipped his position on the bed, lying on his stomach, burying his face in the pillow and hoping it would suffocate him. It didn’t work obviously, but m/n wouldn’t have minded if it did.

He lifted his head from the pillow. M/n tugged the cheap earbuds out of his ear and pulled the strings out of the earphone jack, making it automatically turn off the heavy metal from his music app. He forced himself off the bed, closing the blinds of his and his beloveds, Simon Riley’s, room, the room nothing but darkness.

He stumbled out the bedroom. The dimly lit house making it harder to navigate through the house, but not bothered to flip a switch he had to make do. As M/n trudged from room to room he looked at the photos Simon and he hung up on the walls, how they were both smiling in the pictures as they were taken. It only made him think if Simon was faking that smile, pretending to care for M/n, pretending to love M/n.

M/n shook his head, trying to rid the thoughts of negativity as he made it to the kitchen. Nearly in every room the light was off, thinking about it, they were barely on all month, not since M/n beloved was deployed. Ironic, he started to feel bad after Simon got deployed.

“Pathetic.”

The (small/tall) man inhaled sharply, opening a kitchen cabinet as he pulled out a glass. He turned to the sink and turned the faucet on, waiting 5 seconds before the tap ran cold, dunking his glass under it to stop the water from hitting the sink.

When the glass was full enough, m/n turned off the faucet, bringing the cool glass to his lips, the cold water going down his throat it felt like he froze his oesophagus. M/n put his free hand on the kitchen counter, he felt his hands tremble as he brought the glass from his dry, cracked lips. He turned around, his back leaning on the edge of the counter.

“You’ll never be good enough for him.”

And like a ticking time bomb, m/n’s glass fell out of his hand and onto the cold kitchen tiled floor, ultimately, shattering the fragile glass into shards. “Shit..” m/n cursed, if it wasn’t for the slippers he was wearing, his feet might’ve gotten hurt or started bleeding. He quickly yet carefully moved to get a cloth and a dust pan to clean up the shattered mess he made.

“How do you break everything you touch?”

M/n paused.

No. That wasn’t right.

He didn’t break everything he touched.

“Yes you do.”

M/n felt his hands shake, he inhaled sharply, letting out a shaky breath.

As soon as he tried to block out his thoughts once more he got the cloth and dust pan. Carefully scooping up the shattered glass, making sure to not cut himself.

“Do it.”

He paused again.

What?

“You know you want to.”

No. He made a promise to Simon, to himself. He’s been clean for a year, nearly two. He couldn’t go back on that path.

“No one would know. It’s nearly autumn. It’s getting colder.”

It is getting colder. He barely took his shirt off anyway..

No. He couldn’t. He can’t. Simon would figure out-

“Would he though?”

M/n quickly shook his head, cleaning the shards and tossing them in the bin and drying the water from the cold floor.

His moves, actions, they were frantic, tried to rid his thought. His hands were shaking as he got another glass from the cupboard, filling it up with water again. He turned off the faucet, bringing the cold glass to his lips.

“He would be glad if you were dead.”

“Shut up!” M/n threw his glass of water at the wall. The sound of the glass shattered, falling to the ground.

The (h/c) man sank to the floor, covering his ears and bringing his knees to his chest. He starting rocking himself back and forth, mumbling to himself, trying to reassure himself.

His eyes darted around the kitten, finally his (e/c) landing in the broken shards of glass.

“Maybe it would stop the thoughts if I just-”

Subconsciously, m/n crawled over to the shattered glass, his pj bottoms being soaked by the ice cold water. He shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t. But still, he picked up the broken piece of glass.

He started at the wet shard. His hands shaking, what felt like more than before, more intense.

“Go on. He wouldn’t know.”

M/n brought the sharp glass to his wrist that was riddled with healed scars.

Before the glass could pierce through the skin, he felt large hands on his own hand and shoulder.

He didn’t process anything, only the cold glass leaving his grip, then a hand on his chin, being forced to look up.

Simon.

Simon’s eyes were wide with worry. “Hey, hey, hey, look at me. Please, look at me, just focus on me luvie.” M/n noticed the trembling in his fiancé’s voice. He then felt tears welling up in his eyes. Both ashamed and relieved that his beloved was home.

“Simon..?” M/n’s voice gave out on him as Simon quickly moved to wrap his arms tightly around his sweet boy in a warm, safe hug. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’m here, sweetheart.” Simon whispered soothingly into m/n’s ear, rubbing soft and gentle circles into the other man’s back.

M/n quickly wrapped his arms around Simon’s neck, burying his face into the crook of the lieutenant’s neck. His body trembled as he sobbed.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” M/n mustered out.

“Shh. It’s okay, love..” Simon gave M/n a small yet comforting squeeze. Soon the military man started to pepper small kisses into m/n’s temple. “You’re safe, you’re okay. I promise.” M/n sniffled, nodding as he took his Simon’s words.

Simon soon picked M/n off his feet, then feeling the instinct reaction of his beloved wrapping his legs around his waist. Simon held on tight to his beloved, making sure he didn’t fall.

“Everything’s going to be okay.” Simon whispered gently into m/n’s ear. He ignored the shattered glass in the floor and took his sweet boy to their shared bedroom.

He placed the crying boy in the bed, sitting next to the m/n, only to be tackled into a hug again. Simon wrapped his strong arms around his love, his lips pressed against m/n’s forehead. A hand rubbing the (h/c) man’s back, his other hand carding through m/n’s dyed black hair. “Nothing can hurt you now.” Simon pressed gentle kisses into M/n’s forehead.

After a few moments of sweet nothings in m/n’s ear, his body stopped trembling. Simon brought a hand to m/n’s cheek, gently cupping it with his palm. His thumb wiped away the stray tears from M/n’s cheek. It broke Simon’s heart to the man he loved so much in shambles..

M/n looked up at Simon with red, puffy eyes. “Oh my sweet boy..” Simon brought m/n into a gentle embrace again. It made M/n’s heart melt.

How could a sweetheart like Simon fucking Riley be so scary to other people?

M/n sniffled once more, snuggling into Simon’s chest. “I love you so much, you know that right?” Simon said softly to M/n.

“Yeah..I know.” M/n gave Simon a gently smile. A smile that Simon thought could brighten a whole room.

“Good.” Simon said with a gentle kiss to m/n’s forehead.

[d10nsaint]

CIGARETTES OUT THE WINDOW | NANAMI K.

syn.+tw: spoilers. character death. smoking.

notes: some good songs are cigarette duet and cigarettes out the window. enjoy :) tired of feeling like im fucking crazy >< (someone teach me how to end a fic)

Nanami hated it when you smoked.

He hated the way you almost always had to excuse yourself to go outside during a date to take a smoke break. He hated the way you tip-toed out to the balcony when you couldn’t sleep. He hated the way the cigarettes smelled when you kissed him.

He tried everything to steer you away from smoking—he bought so many things for you to change your habits. But almost always, you would sneak out to buy your favorite pack of cigarettes.

“I cant just stop smoking, Kento. It doesn’t work like that.” You would argue, saying that, ‘The change stresses you out’, and that ‘Kento was pressuring you so much about stopping, no wonder you kept relapsing,’. But all he would ever say was, “I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. You know smoking kills,” and walk away.

He always made you feel bad about smoking— so bad that you always came rushing back to him, telling him that you only smoke because of how stressed you get, and that its never going to be because of him.

Okay, well, you lied.

Its been…what, a month since you’ve heard back from Nanami? Nobody had a clue where he was. You knew little about sorcerers, and didnt have access to them besides maybe Gojo, but even he was missing. It was driving you crazy.

You’d never smoked and drank so much in your entire life, the stress of your missing husband eating away at you. Before long, you’d even gone out to contact Gojo’s friends and students: and then you found out, in the middle of the street, that your husband was dead.

Nanami was dead. Has been, for over a month.

And you couldn’t do anything about it. No amount of bartering could bring him back. No amount of therapy, or clubbing, or whiskey could bring him back.

As soon as you get home, you snap open a pack of cigarettes, grab your favorite lighter that had a striped blue and white print, resembling your favorite suit of Nanami’s, and light a cigarette.

[pizza-soup]

Hey! Just wanted to do an update for the new year!

Sooo, what have I been up to? A lot actually!

First off, I'd like to introduce a new member to my household, her name is Lucky, and I found her on an urbex trip last year as a tiny thing, and looked how gorgeous she is as an adult!

Those markings are pretty neat, huh? She's looks just like a Maneki Neko, all that's missing is a red ribbon and koban coin. She has such a sweet, affectionate personality, she is surprisingly very open to strangers giving her attention, and she loves water! Yeah, she plays in water! She has zero fear of it and likes playing with the sink faucet or laying on my shoulders when I soaking in the bath. I think it stems from me taking her out to the garden with me in the summer when I was watering the plants, the puddles cooled her off.

Speaking of gardening, I have two new trees. Ginkgos! My great aunt had one in her front yard, these are the babies. Since it's way too cold to plant them directly into the ground, they're currently in pots. I want them to grow just a bit larger before transplanting them.

And yes, that's Sol posing by the new trees! Look how handsome he is now! I'm glad he and his sister took in Lucky as an honorable sibling, I think she'd be very lonely otherwise. Stella has also grown up to be beautiful, and likes sharing her bed with Lucky. Orion doesn't like her though. Lol but he tolerates her so long as she doesn't get too close.

My health is better, thankfully. While I think I'll always have hypotension now, my doctor and I found a setup that works to keep it at bay. I have to watch my activity level and learn to rest properly (exercise can cause BP to drop fast), and stay hydrated with electrolytes daily. I have to set reminders though, since Im so bad at remembering. So far I haven't had any relapses for 7 months. I've also oddly lost a lot of weight, I thought it was suspicious, but my doctor said I'm actually at my BMI and the weight loss was gradual. My records show it was within a normal time range. Idk it felt so sudden to ME, but maybe I didn't notice it until recently. Eh. My sense of time isn't the best. Whatever the case, I was told to keep doing whatever I'm doing.

Work is... just as weird as always! Lol to the point it's kind of not weird for me anymore, I've gotten used to the strangeness of it. My brother however never got used to it. He actually quit working for the labs, not because it scared him off but because he finally got his major finished and he is working in an observatory down south. I'm proud of him! Space has always been a big interest for him, and the space science here in NM is growing!

As for creating, I've been busy writing two fanfics on Ao3. One is a Pokemon story, Come What May, and another is an alternate take on the classic Disney film, The Little Mermaid, called Candle on the Water. They're pretty long, my Pokemon fic is currently topping 20 chapters! I'd really appreciate if more people read them. Give em a little love. It's not the best work ever, but I'm kinda proud of them. They were written when I was struggling with a lot of self doubt and mild Imposter Syndrome. I'm working on being more gentle to myself and not letting perfectionism sabotage me or stop me from creating, and I'm kinda seeing that effort pay off bit by bit.

I've also been doing some song covers. I'm not sure if I'm confident in sharing those yet, but I've gotten a lot of encouragement from my family and my brother's friend who has been letting me borrow his music studio for recording sessions. Maybe I'll post one song if it's requested. I have three covers so far and they're all Evanescence. XD

Its been a very peaceful time for me, I got a raise last November and it's been nice. I've been treating myself to stationery and home decor. I splurged a bit and got two gaming devices from Anbernic, and have been modding my 3DSXL. Because screw gaming companies and their paywalling/microtransactions. It's time we start actually owning our games again, including media like music and movies.

I think this year is going to focus on retro media for me. CDs, DVDs, cassettes and vinyls. I've been rediscovering my collection in the garage and learning to maintain/fix my devices. Because while I do enjoy my modern media, I like the thought of having offline backups should I not have access to it later.

And my old school stuff takes me back to my summer days in school when I couldn't wait to get home to play my Gameboy while listening to my CDs, reading comics, or doodle and write short stories in my notebooks, or make zines with my friends. That might be something to revisit this summer.

I hope everything has been going well for you all, and if not, I hope it will soon. I may just return to this year, but probably gradually. I missed you all, and I miss sharing bits of my life here with you.

Take care! 💕

Edit: I'm not coming back. I'm sorry.

[carlos-in-glasses]

Fic Pride Friday - on a Saturday!

Thank you for the tag @freneticfloetry @lemonlyman-dotcom @bonheur-cafe

@literateowl @ladytessa74 @liminalmemories21 🧡 And for giving me a reason to create a banner for non-WIP tag games.

Rules: Post your favourite line or passage from as many of your published works as you’d like. Let yourself feel proud of your creations! Tag as many people as you post snippets, so your fellow fic friends can be proud, too.

I've opted to share from three fics- Suddenly in the Silence, Where All This Love Comes From, and Wrestling Angels:

Suddenly, in the Silence:

"I think the closet is haunted," TK says, fumbling the buttons of his lapelled pajama shirt. Carlos faces the opposite side of the room. "But it's from Ikea." "Not that one." TK throws an arm towards the white pre-fab nothingy unit that had housed their pajamas. "I mean the old Reyes relic." "My dad's tatarabuelo built that," Carlos says defensively. And occupies it now, TK thinks but does not say. Instead, he opts for, "It might be fun to sleep in your old bedroom like we did that time before. Snuggled up in that creaky twin with your adorable horse comforter over us." "My old room," Carlos breathes a laugh, "Is the most haunted in this house." "With memories, though, not ghosts."

Where All This Love Comes From

A single tear slips from Carlos' eye. Years ago, there was a young man in New York City called TK Strand and he had no idea that in Austin, Texas, a stranger called Carlos Reyes was aching, yearning, pining for exactly him. He had no idea how loved he was going to be by someone he had yet to meet. He had no idea how wonderful he was as a person with or without a partner – but he was about to find out. That's why you have to keep living, Carlos thinks, so you can find out.

Wrestling Angels

But love is going to come into his life, and it won’t be what he’ll expect, because it’s going to be TK Strand, a firefighter who shows up in Austin from Manhattan following a relapse. He’s a little fierce and rough and moody and funny. He’ll bring disorder to the orderly life he’s about to work so hard to create for himself and himself alone. TK will cause him pain, and he’ll push TK’s buttons, and then it’s going to work out, and he’s going to marry him. And TK is going to be the one to ask. Love is going to be powerful, runaway, gutting, enormous – yet weirdly and utterly defined by the small moments as much as the major events. It’s going to feel physical and invisible, like storm winds that take his breath and knock him off his feet. He’s going to have sex. He’ll have it with a few guys before TK, and every time with each of those guys, it will be somewhere on a sliding scale of outright bad, awkward, embarrassing, mediocre, good, better, great, fantastic. With TK it will be different. Supercharged, mind-blowing, right from the start, and it will also be gentle, romantic, connective in a new way. It will always be a deeper experience than with anyone else. It’s going to mean something real every time, even from the beginning when TK insists that it’s not going to, and Carlos will pretend as much as he can that he doesn’t mind.

I know I'm late so might have missed things but open tag and tags below:

@reyesstrand @paperstorm @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @heartstringsduet

@vineofroses @theghostofashton @lightningboltreader @chaotictarlos

@goodways @welcometololaland @orchidscript @rmd-writes

@strandnreyes @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad @chicgeekgirl89

@sznofthesticks @nancygillianmvp @safeaswrites @my-little-tilly

@sugdenlovesdingle @carlos-tk @honeybee-taskforce @sanjuwrites

@alrightbuckaroo @never-blooms

@fallout-mars - If you want to share/haven't already! No pressure ever! ❤️🩷🧡💛💚💙🩵💜

[sdv-rants]

Leave Shane alone :(

Thinking you should be able to "fix" him misses the entire point of his story. He's still recovering and probably always will be. People with serious mental health issues don't just randomly get better and turn their life around by getting married. Shane can be in love with the farmer and still struggle with his mental illness and relapses as an addict. People who don't struggle with this stuff constantly get mad that he can't just magically be fixed or get better. Have you considered that maybe his story just isn't for you

CW for mentions of mental health struggles and alcohol abuse

tl;dr ,, i dont at all think shane needs to just be magically fixed, i just would love to see more in his post-marriage story showing him sobering up and visibly changing a little in a positive way. i dont want him to immediately change and be “perfect”, nobody is perfect, i just think it would be really cool to visibly see changes in his character after marrying him.

(full rant under the cut)

actually after posting that rant made me think about this a whole lot more, and i dont like how i worded some things and i can totally understand and relate to him most likely always going through recovery, my only problem is i wish there was maybe more actual dialogue and story to build that if that makes sense?? but honestly i could say that about sooo many of the marriage candidates. now, maybe their story feels slightly unfinished so you can sort of fill in the blanks yourself, and i totally can understand that being the case.

i completely see where you’re coming from, and i don’t entirely like how i worded my last rant. i think i only said the things i did because with shanes story it kind of hits a little close to home, having a lot of people close to me who ive watched go through similar situations as this character, and i think i was just projecting a little bit.

as someone who also struggles with mental health and other forms of addiction not in the form of substance abuse, i think i also relate to shane a lot, and seeing him go through the things he does within his story, it sort of reminds me of myself and reminds me of how much i wish i could be “fixed” in a way.

i also dont at all think people who struggle with any sort of addictions or mental health problems should be “fixed” or need to be “fixed”, i was referring to how a lot of people quote “i can fix him” and phrases like that when talking about shane, i definitely shouldve worded everything much better though. i meant that in that position if you’re someone who thinks you can “fix” anyone, yeah, you cant. and people dont need to be fixed. i do think people who struggle with addiction can be given support to recover though, and i guess i just wish that was more prominent in shanes story. i suppose im projecting a bit of my own personal life onto his story, cuz i would love to see portrayed in his story him sobering up and there being more visible changes in his life and his character. obviously i dont think he should just immediately turn into the “perfect” man overnight, nobody is perfect and yes, he will always struggle with certain things, and thats okay. i hope i’ve clarified my viewpoint on his story a little better, but im very bad at putting my exact thoughts into the proper wording, so i do apologize for anything ive said that may be confusing, feel free to ask for clarification and i can try my best to explain. :)

thank you for the input btw anon!! shanes character is one id like to talk about more in a much more positive light too, but when i typed yesterdays rant i had just been thinking about his story a lot and what i personally wished it looked like post marriage, but obviously we all have our own opinions on how each characters story should’ve looked, and thats ok.

i personally kind of think all of the characters story should’ve looked different after marrying them, just because i feel like it feels sort of stagnant once married obviously. but yk this is a small indie game with a solo creator, i cant imagine how difficult it would be to flesh out these characters anymore LMAO, but thats why i like this community so much. i like seeing every individuals perspective on each character and their stories throughout the game.

sorry this rant was so long LMFAO and i also apologize for my first two rants being about shane (and not being in the most positive light). i’ll definitely try and talk about my thoughts on shane and his story more soon though, trying to look at all of the things i love about his story.

ive been typing for way too long so im ending this here LMFAO, please feel free to leave input or any other questions, feedback, etc etc

[alaskan-wallflower]

sometimes i wish my brother and i got along better.

we were pitted against each other a lot as kids. it was always ‘your brother does this so why don’t you’. he was always smarter. braver. better. and it made me resent him.

i guess it’s my own fault. i’m the one who hated him. i’m the one who pushed myself to be better. i’m the one who made sure my schedule was packed full of classes t that even he couldn’t bear and all in the case that i wanted to be better. that’s all i wanted. i was selfish. i was arrogant and i saw our relationship as a competition and the only thing that came of it was that i resented him. i resented him for going to a prestigious school. i resented him for being better. and i’m the one who tore our relationship.

maybe i am just worthless. sometimes i wonder if my brother really is more important than me. he probably is. he’ll be something. i won’t. all my teachers told me he was gonna be president and what was i going to be?

i lied to everyone. i lied to my therapist and told the, that me and my brother were inseparable because that was what i wanted. i wanted a relationship that was unbreakable while the only one who was breaking it was me and my resentment.

i think he’d be better without me. maybe he’s glad he’s going to college because he can get away from me. i want to get away from me.

i’ve been told all my life that he’s smarter than me. hell, my own mom told me this morning that my brother is more approachable than me because ‘he would make friends no matter what room he went into. you’d hide in a corner away from everyone’. and i’d be damn pressed to say that didn’t hurt like hell. maybe i’m being sensitive.

i want to hurt. i keep thinking about relapsing or trying to restrict eating since it’s the only way i feel secure and like im in control.

i know no one would miss me. i’m useless. i’m worthless. maybe my dad would miss me but that’s it. sometimes he’s the only one i stay alive for. but im too much of a coward to do anything. i’m too much of a coward.

this is all my fault. i hate myself. i can’t do anything right and i wish that i could jist end it all because i don’t want to be here anymore. and i know my parents aren’t gonna be as sad when i leave. they’ve sung my brothers praises all summer-he’ll, they had a fucking wall dedicated to him and they kept telling me that this year wasn’t gonna be abiut me which i get cause he’s going away, but i know when i go away it’s not gonna be anywhere near the same. because im not smart or good enough. im just a coward who can’t even carry through her even more cowardly ideations. and that’s all ill ever be.

please don’t worry too much. i’m not going to do anything. i’m just going through a lot of mental hell. i don’t want to keep venting because i feel bad so please ignore this. i just needed to write it down.

[teeth-cable]

Just say your reply and dam let me say it

Nifty makes me so sad shes everything i love in concept yet her execution kills me; she loves cleaning shes a bug and not only that a old timey bad alien movie inspired

I wish this show was actually about the hotel and that she had gotten the "alastor is allowed to not tell us his backstory because we need a season 2 " treatment, if this show actually follow the premise of redemtion Niffty, V and Angel (heh all bugs) would be the most complex ones and satisfecho ones to write about

V even if i prefer she wasend an exorcist if she n camilla carmine were former winners turned exorcist and them fallen we coul have both sides of going to hell

Angel Hess from the mafia! How how you teden that?? Even if he gets his sould how you fix all the blood or family spill! How did Molly did! (Rip my girls desing wtf she has maneged to look bald n hairly??) Just the journey he would have to go tru a looong road, would charlie put him on the back burner? Would that make him have a relapse?? Would he learn Molly make it hell would that be his motivation? Just this man

NIFTY she is conected to Al and im fascinanted to know why he favors her so much, why shes like this do Al know- does she even know? Its this her cope, was she murder or the murderer ?? Was she too a rasing overlord? Its her past the reason ? How does she feel in general honestly shes done so little in the show but i wanna disect her n know why shes like this so bad

Sorry for the rant n probably bad english just had to get that out my sistem at 1 am lol

Niffty was done dirty by the writers, everyone but her, got character development or a moment that hinted to some sort of character depth (Even if it was shallow).

Why the writers decided to reverse the seasons I have no idea. Charlie finding out Heaven is corrupted doesn't work since the plotline hinges on the audience's investment in her reaction and the cast, but why should we? We don't see the cast trying to actively improve themselves and the show repeatedly tells us sinners are the worst. At this point, it makes no sense for the show to continue the hotel premise because we know Heaven is corrupted now. What's the point, when we already know any effort the cast puts towards redemption will be in vain?

The characters are fulled of mystery and great ideas but the show refuses to explore them. I was surprised by the lack of references at their human backstories. The cast's human lives are why they're in hell and the person they are now. Like, how are we supposed to know Husk's cheesy love for magic came from watching the magic shows in the casinos he grew up in????????? That seems like a very important piece of information to know about his character, considering it's one of the few things he still loves. In that one line alone, we learn so much about Husk and why he turned out to be an alcoholic gambler. At the end of the show despite spending time with characters, I feel like I don't know them as much as I should. I don't know their motivations, beside for Al and Angel we don't see them struggling through their flaws (The show has Husk tell us, writing 101 /sarc), and the show doesn't really explore the cast's relationships with each other or their world. So any potential information we could have learned about them from their interactions through others characters and their environments isn't utilized.

The show just keeps important info locked, tells you character's infos that would have benefited better from showing it, and then except the audiences fill in the missing gaps between info-dumps.

Don't worry about ranting, it's was fun to read and respond too. I understood you just fine.

[cassie6392]

I literally never post on here BUT I need to rant abt my crush literally anywhere because my notes isn't working :))

no because that guy is out of a book LIKE HE'S FICTIONAL but he's a fictional red flag. He's SO GOOD at academics, he plays football and on top of that he writes poetry and READS. HE'S READ PJO AND SHADOW AND BONE GREEN FLAG OML but that is until he seems SO egoistic and thinks he's better than everyone. He also has a... questionable sense of humor and the things he says are low-key problematic at times BUT he used to like me back two years ago and I lost the chance back then :(( then we became enemies until like late last year when I apologised and then I used to have like a xonvo w him often (started by me first always sadly) and when I stopped, we stopped talking. (we never talked IRL though) And very recently he missed a part of one of our extra subjects so I told him '3 assignments have been finished in this class already' and instead of asking his friends abt them like any sane person would HE ASKED ME FURTHER ABT THEM and then later in the day he had a doubt abt one of the assignments but instead of texting his friends he texted me ☺️☺️ I WANT HIS FEELINGS FOR ME TO RELAPSE SO BAD BC IM ACTUALLY SO IN LOVE W HIM IT'S CRAZY LIKE I WANT HIM TO LIKE ME AGAIN THE THING IS I'VE BARELY SEEN HIM YET I LIKE HIM SO MUCH

[yulsbabymama]

Disventure Camp Headcanons Part 1

AIDEN

Half Argentinian Half French Canadian

Had a huge TOP phase in middle school

Only child

Super good singer but hates hearing his voice

ALEC

Afro-Turkish and Japanese

Diagnosed w Autism when he was a child

Smokes

Started drinking shortly after he got married; relapsed after his separation w his ex

Has an older sister by 7 years

ALLY

Transgirl; came out to her grandfather and he was the only supporter she had

Definitely had obsessive love disorder when meeting Hunter the first time

Super fucking bad at dancing

Likes K-pop (Fromis_9, Stray Kids, Billlie, P1harmony, Enhypen, Stayc, aespa, ITZY)

ASHLEY

Country music defender

will actually die on the Country Music hill

like she's from Texas but she's FROM TEXAS ykwim

Transgirl; realized she was a girl at a young age and transitioned w a supporting family

Would probably roll her eyes at u if u assume she loved AppleJack when she was younger

I mean, she did

but not as much as ppl assume

CONNOR

Jewish

Despite having a booming business, he still doesn't understand technology

but he WAS a boss at programming his MySpace page

"programming is my passion" college dude

Nickelback liker

I'm so sorry

DAN

He and his sister shared a bedroom until she moved out

Actually convinced her to come back home bc he missed her

like

crying on his knees

"PLEASE COME HOME IT'S SO MISERABLE WITHOUT U THERE I MISS U"

blasting a radio to her favorite songs

did i mention he loves his sister

Pokemon kid

Oh, he's also autistic

DEREK

Half Filipino and half Columbian

Transguy; was an unhappy "girl" growing up and would refuse to listen to anyone who didn't call "her" by Derek

Facebook user

only to troll, tho

He tried trolling on Twitter too but Trevor had to pry the phone out of his hands

Secretly likes Trevor

and by secretly I mean he angry-cried while writing drafted emails of his confession

Barely cries or anything like that, emotionally, but angry-crying is his #1 basically

Is not a registered gun owner

DREW

Other than the notebook, he has a communication device

Adopted

Video games hurt his eyes

so do mobile games

Honestly i think he just needs glasses

likes dogs :)

ELLIE

Half Irish and Half Singaporean

Transgirl; came out in her last year of junior high

Middle child w two sisters

While struggling w her identity, she was a Pick Me girl to fit in #sad!

she ended up giving up on fitting in #gogirl

Malay's her first language

Mom passed when she was little

tolerates cats

FIORE

3/4th Italian 1/4th Chinese

hates horror movies

not bc she's scared of them or anything

she just thinks they suck

forced into a ton of shit to become normal

girlscouts, ballet, soccer, etc

she hated everything

but she can make a good cookie deal

GABBY

Has an unhealthy obsession w watching drag shows

she doesn't understand any of the lingo

she just thinks the outfits r pretty

LPS kid

also watches too much animal documentaries

will actually sit down and say "im bored, time to watch a 6 hour doc on cheetahs"

she just cray cray like that #loveher

unhealthy addiction to stickers

GRETT

Transgirl #slay

was a Toddlers & Tiaras kid

passenger princess

forces Yul to drive her places

they have almost broken up 5 times bc of this

she also genuinely forgot to tell him she was #trans

u should've seen the look on his face

when

..

yeah

#hedidnotcare

that's ooc but idc

she's bi :3

HUNTER

Half Chinese Half White

Dad left after his youngest sister was born

Lived in China until he was 8

He has autism

Christian btw

like pslam bunch-of-numbers in his bio

can quickly change languages like that

will talk to u in english then will answer his phone in cantonese

texts like a millennial

:/ sorry

smokes

the killers, staind, blink-182, and r.e.m fan

plays the guitar

JAKE

Half Korean Half Japanese

cannot speak those languages fluently, tho

sorry

he and his brother wrestled a lot

his brother would always win

anyways he was a theater kid

but quit bc of some drama

haha. get it ?

one of those gays who cries to mitski & ricky montgomery

but only listens to them when he needs to cry

which is often

JAMES

has been in cringe compilations before

imagine if i just ended this w just that hc

would that be funny

anyways

one of those middle schoolers who was violently supportive of the lgbtq+

like everyone knew he liked boys

except him

loves his younger sister

like a lot

they r bffies

will call her in the middle of the night randomly

"i just posted a new tiktok, go like it."

JENSEN

genuinely have nothing for him

like

can i just say he's dreamed of men shirtless before and end it at that

um so yeah

[your-queer-dad]

Hi dad,

Today I had a panic attack.

I was overwhelmed, because my mom so sick, my migraines and dizziness and other stuff have been getting worse, algebra 2 is overwhelming sometimes, and I just feel drained because of it.

I didn’t lash out or anything, but I kinda just cried quietly and tried to eat dinner. I ate half of it, which was hard, but I threw the rest away.

I wanted to sh so bad, and the urges have been getting worse.

I’ve been finding new coping mechanisms, so that’s good, and they’ve been working.

I was able to lock myself in the bathroom and calm down, but I kinda just feel drained and somehow still anxious from it. I don’t know what to do. I have an awesome mom and older sister I can talk to, but it’s really hard to talk about stuff sometimes, and I really don’t want to bother anyone. I’m in therapy and on meds, but it’s just so hard sometimes, and everything just feels like to much sometimes. And I always feel like I’m faking it. Like my stimming is fakes. Like my interests are fake. Like my emotions are fake. Like my whole sense of self is fake. And like, I know it’s not true. I know I am autistic (diagnosed when I was 8), I know I’m passionate about infectious pathology, I know I feel stuff, I know I’m a guy, and that living as a girl was hell for me, but my emotions always feel fake and distant and numb, and I always doubt myself. I need to cry a lot, like breakdown and sob and scream, but I can’t, and it just feels so frustrating.

And I’ve just been having so many memories come up from my childhood, and it just makes me so sad.

I had a dream last night that I was shopping with my cousin (who helped me through a lot, and was my best friend during tough situations. I haven’t seen her in 5 years), and I just miss her so much. It made me so sad and happy at the same time, and I just wish I could see her again.

I miss my older brother (I haven’t seen him in 5 years either), and I just want to make sure he’s ok, and give him a hug.

I keep getting random memories of an old neighbor we used to live by, who was so seeet and kind. We trusted him a lot, and played in his backyard and porch area frequently. He always had those little popsicles that are in the plastic tube thingy, and he always gave me the blue ones cause he knew they were my favorite. And though we haven’t seen him in years (we moved a lot), I miss him, and hope he’s doing ok.

I always want to help out more, and feel like I’m not doing enough. I just want to be more useful and see people smile. I like being helpful, and it hurts when I can’t do something on my own.

I feel stupid and lazy all the time. I suck at math, and can’t focus. It’s just so hard to focus, and my brain has been fogging more often in the past few years, and I just want to do something right for once.

I don’t know how to tell my mom about this, but I know that I really need to, because I don’t want to relapse again, and I don’t want to scare anyone.

Do you have any advice?

Also, I hope this ask finds you well.

Please make sure to drink some water, eat something, shower/bathe, and get some rest

Thanks for reading this :)

Hey kiddo! That sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself bud. Im so proud of you for resisting the urge to self harm. I know personally how hard that is but I'm so proud of you. No matter how fake it feels, it isn't. It sounds to me like you're invalidating your own feelings there bud. However you're feeling is true. You aren't stupid or lazy, you have so much going on right now and it's okay to be overwhelmed sometimes. Life is crazy and loud and a whirlwind and calm and warm and painful- it's so many things, it's natural to be overwhelmed by it sometimes. I would really really recommend talking to someone if you feel like you're gonna self harm. It isn't a burden to them, they care about you as much as you care about them.

- dad x

[imsorryimnotdead]

IM BACK BABES

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

god so much has happened and i barely used tumblr but its getting rly bad again soo.. aw shi here we go again i recently got a boyfriend and he makes me so incredibly happy omg i love him i love him i love him i love him <3 the only problem is that he lives kinda far away so we can only see each other on the weekends and hes gonna start a year long job there soon. i rly hate long distance and even if im not going to school or anything i cant leave this city. i cant leave my dad who i love so much alone with my precious lil doggo. i know im supposed to get independent n shi at my age but we r both stuggling with my moms death a lot. i hate watching my dad fall into depression like i used to many many years ago but i dont know what to do honestly. so we r both silently suffering alone. i get rly depressed when i cant see my bf to the point where i just wanna kms ngl. when hes around i feel like heaven but when hes not i feel even worse than before the relationship EVEN IF HES THE SWEETEST HUMAN BEING ON EARTH im scared im not made for relationships and im gonna hurt him but i also dont wanna loose my precious boy ive been sh free for 1 year n 2 months ish but i rly rly rly rly rly rly REALLY feel like relapsing. i miss the pain i miss the blood i miss the feeling of the cold steel in my skin i miss the adrenaline or whatever was giving me the rush when i did it i miss him i miss my mom i miss my old friends i scared away with being sick i miss not eating i miss throwing up after even the tiniest meals i miss feeling like im not faking it its just one of these days that turn into weeks until i cant take it anymore and finally relapse. i keep finding old blades i hid a long time ago and forgot about lol idk if my old blades r still sharp enough so should i get new ones? maybe i should just try them :P <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3