#i miss that dude

[polycharismas]

big evil plane ate my boyfriend 😢😢😢😢😢😢

[white-cishet-snail]

I broke a dudes nose back in high school, got a cake done up for him that said "you look better now anyways" and delivered it to him in class.

Dude proceeded to almost give himself a nosebleed by just face-rolling the cake

I think about this cake every day

[frosthetix]

some dudebros: tom hardy must be held at gunpoint to still be doing these sony venom movies

tom hardy: WRITES the movie, PRODUCES the movies, repeatedly states how much venom and eddie means to him, reads all the comics, #1 veddie shipper

[this-is-godot]

If you ever think you’re stupid, remember this: I sat in “Doctor Strange” and said: “Oh, Anthony Hopkins” when the villain came on-screen. Because I saw “the guy who played Hannibal Lecter” and my brain went “obviously that means Anthony Hopkins”. Sorry to Mads Mikkelsen.

In a similar vein, I have also repeatedly (very much on accident) called a classmate “Richard”. We had a Richard in that class, but it wasn’t him. But his last name was “Wagner”, and my brain put “there’s a Richard in our class” and “this guy’s name is Wagner” together and drew the only conclusion it could.

So yeah. Maybe you do stupid things. Say stupid things. But never as dumb as that.

[unlimitedbutchworks]

a lot of older norms for internet and site etiquette are shit but you know what was good that we need to bring back? lurking. you need to lurk moar

[nientedal]

My first job out of college requested links to all my "online writings" during the interview process, before the second round of interviews. I knew perfectly well that they were referring to things like Facebook and, you know, normal fucking blogs on WordPress and similar. But "please send us links to all your online writings" is ambiguous and I did not actually care one way or the other if I actually got that job, and so I sent them...all of my online writings. My normal social media, but also my tumblr and my livejournal and ALL of my fanfiction, including the tentacle porn.

To my absolute shock, they invited me back for a second interview. And one of the guys asked a question about my writing in the second interview that made it clear he had ABSOLUTELY read the tentacle porn. The question wasn't anything pointed, just a mild little observation about recurring themes and a question about my supervisory preferences. But like. If he only read one of them (and it is entirely possible he read more than one), it was almost certainly that one.

I got the job. Tentacles, tumblr, and all.

okay tumblr’s exclusion from the twitter social media ban list is hilarious but genuinely we do not belong on there. if a real human person asks “where can i find you on social media” and your choice is a swift death or revealing your tumblr, most of us would simply expire. half of y’all change urls every week like you’re in witness protection. just imagine for one second attaching your wholeass government name to your latest two am clownposting and tell me that didn’t send a cold chill down your spine. the only place i ever want to see the words “connect with me on tumblr!” is on the ao3 profile of an author i’m actively stalking. anyone in the world can follow me except anyone i personally know. antisocial media.

[mendedrum]

when will my husband victor tugelbend return from the war

[thesingingrevolution]

this is so sick like hospitalization level sick (in a good way hbngbd) i have not been this happy in so long but basically. do you guys remember that guy i liked last year in one of my classes. the one i had dinner with one time (technically just desert 1on1 lol because dinner was with the class) and he has always been the sweetest guy ever????? and a few months ago i mentioned being happy for him because i found out he is the president of his dorm which is so cool he is so funny and energetic and charismatic like DESERVEEEEE u go mr president 🥳 i would have voted for you if i could ANYWAY. my roommate/best friend who knows i kinda liked him went to the same program over the summer and they are kinda friends now. one day when we got back i told my roommate and her bf that he was president of his dorm for some reason idk it just came up in conversation and anyway a while later she goes to an event hosted by his dorm with her other friend and bf and she greets him and tells him that she heard he was the president, and he asked how she knew and she was like “i’m so sorry i have no idea i can’t remember” (she actually couldn’t) and her bf stepped in and said “[i] told her” and she was like yesss that’s right and that i was her roommate and best friend and i swear this man reportedly said, “i love [my name]!!” Verbatim btw and my roommate said she couldn’t remember the specifics but he looked so happy and said some other nice things about me and idk i might smile for the rest of my life

[chloesimaginationthings]

Michael has a hard time retelling FNAF sister location

[dkettchen]

cursed construction core hi vis bra that came to me in a dream

In the dream I saw it in the window display of a hardware/DIY/trade shop, implying it was meant to be a practical garment designed for actual female constructions workers in a Female Armour level missed-the-brief attempt at gender inclusion

The practical support from the visible underwire combined with the hi vis implying it’s not meant to be worn as an undergarment, I just-

I blame my binge-reading ND Stevenson’s gender comics talking abt masculinity and femininity incl the one abt Victoria’s Secret lingerie yesterday for this monstrosity x’D

[duskxdevilm]

[potofsoup]

I was pecking away at a fic (as one does when one is in-between binge-reading of fics) when I was taken by the cracktastic idea of Tim Drake having a Roomba as a best friend growing up and then somehow my hand slipped

[jsheios]

So Hilda season 3. (This post has nothing to do with hilda season 3)

[cacaocheri]

pumpkin carving :^)

[heavenbarnes]

pinching or biting older boyfriend simon’s nipple while he’s fucking you while his whole body weight on top of you and he just cums outta nowhere…teaching the old dog new tricks like you said. making that old perv feel like a young boy.

yeah YEAH 🥹🫶🏼

there’s an air about older bf!simon that says, he knows what he likes.

he likes slow days, fast cars, old music, pretty young things.

(just the one, though)

you get the idea.

matter is, simon knows what he likes and he’s got no problem asking for it.

“c’mere sweet’art and put y’tongue on it”

“yeah squeeze on it f’me”

“lean back, let me look at it- thas’ it”

that’s not to say he’s learnt about all there is for him to like.

they try to say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but he’s your mean old dog and here you are with a hand tight on the leash teaching him things he never knew about himself.

like, since he’s known you, he’s learnt there’s nothing he likes more than dropping his body weight onto you and pressing you into the mattress.

he likes the way the air wooshes out of you and you kick your legs beneath him, pretending like you want to break free.

(likes it even better when you beg for it harder, in the midst of all that performing)

likes it even more when he does it while you’re on your back, so he can see the way your eyes roll in your head when he’s driving his cock so deep between your thighs you think you see stars.

likes the way you say his name.

likes the way he can make you drool a little.

what simon doesn’t know, but is about to find out, is he really likes it when you press the flat of your tongue to his pec and pinch his nipple between your teeth.

hard.

simon finds out he likes it a lot, finds out very quickly.

mans built like military precision, routine and order. you could set your watch by him.

but he takes even himself by surprise when the graze of your teeth has his back arching and the flood gates opening.

simon comes hard, with a devastating moan.

when he manages to open his eyes again, he finds you with a sickening grin on your face- fingers picking up his spend to lay across your tongue.

jesus christ.

just when he thinks he’s discovered every dirty little thing about himself, you’ve got to come along and do him one better.

turn him into a bad dog, turn him inside out.

[ruubesz-draws]

When bae is angry at you