#i might still talk so much longer
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We're going on an ass kicking adventure.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#Yes indeed this is a reference to the classic 'Kirby's fucking pissed' meme. It felt fitting given the circumstances.#Wei Wuxian is nothing but a villain now. His name is but a booeyman and scapegoat for everything that goes wrong.#It is a cruel and unusual punishment to be Irrepairable to others. That no matter what you do - you are othered and unsalvageable.#While this situation deals with necromancy & war & politics...boy does it ever mirror how modern drama campaigns go.#I wonder if MXTX did that on purpose? Considering how SVSSS talks about the relationships between authors and their fans/work -#Its stands to reason that WWX story is indeed a parallel for how the public prefers black and white & sensationalist views of people.#People are heroes or villains and trying to think about the nuance is too much work.#And it does not matter what the truth or lies are. The rumour exists and so it must hold truth.#It feels like someone dropped a poorly researched callout post on WWX on twitter that went viral.#80% of the people don't even know who he is but are still leaving him death threats.#“Guys I know we all used to really love WWX's content but I heard he unethically sourced his bones for his last art installation...”#Okay actually he might indeed do unethical bone sourcing. I need to think longer on what the hyper-specific hobby drama might be.#And a huge shout out to LWJ who is right in the vicinity watching this happen in horror. *That* is a specially kind of torment too.
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So what if I go back to s1e10 of 911 and I enjoy Bobby's little dating profile and think about silly cute ideas about it hmm?! HMMM?!
#hey what if we like just ignored canon? like nothing can stop us uwu#I've made ships outta nothing so like listen it's gonna be okay sugarplum#am i talking to you or am i talking to myself? lol i'll never say#toad rambles#ANYWAY chobby was on my dash today#i had NO idea that was the ship name but it made me giggle#ALSO the way chim looks at bobby when Buck is being an ass about his 'dinosaur' dating profile#and bobby looking at chim like wait is it really that bad 🥺#but also i want a chobby flan date like bobby sounded so offended “YOU DON'T” like how dare you not think flan is the bomb chimney?! WTF#i was too into bathena even before i watched the show lol but i see you chobby i see you and i'm writing things down -c-#AND there are so many ways you could spin Hen's reaction to her looking at the profile like my brain is like 🤯#also I'm sorry but I LIKED bobby's dating profile!! OKAY!?!#(I THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE AND HIM BEING HONEST ABOUT WHAT HE ACTUALLY WAS LOOKING FOR!!)#LISTEN I WASN'T HERE WHEN THE SHOW STARTED!! I GOT HERE LATE TO THE PARTY!!#I MISSED OUT ON A LOT OF THE SPIRALING WITH FANDOM IN THE FUN WAY!!!#AND THERE'S STILL SO MUCH I WANT TO DRAW!!!#AND MY SLOW DINOSAUR ASS IS GOING TO STAY HERE UNTIL I FEEL LIKE ITS OUT OF MY SYSTEM BUT BECAUSE BATHENA IS LIKE ON THE TOP SHELF OF SHIPS#I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE HERE FOR A LONGER TIME THAN THIS SHOW WILL EVEN AIR!#sorry for yelling#i was miffed but i took a sigh anywho#hope everyone is having a lovely day lol#i have only one job today and once that's out of the way we're going BACK to creative nonsense!#throwing you creative vibes and little tiny internet hearts#you are loved and i'm proud of you and you look super cute today pls dont forget to drink water and be kind to yourself <3
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i found a book abt the anti lawn movement at the library & decided to sit out in my yard & read it. but ironically there was a neverending barage of power tool noises making it difficult to focus. so i walked to a nature park near me in order to escape the dreaded sounds. almost stopped at the mowed picnic table area bc i hate walking but fortunately pushed forward and made myself walk up an annoying hill to an area that is a preservation of a native oak savanna & sat down against a tree near the edge of the path & did my reading there. and honest to god that was a 100/10 experience. there was something so powerful abt being in a preserve for a locally native habitat while reading abt the impacts homeowners can have on native plant preservation! it powered up my energy towards my life mission (evangelize abt enviormentally sustainable gardening to every single person who comes within a 10 ft radius of me) by like. 15 points. also a deer walked up to me and that was super cool
#i was there for like 3 hours and i wanted to stay longer#but the sun was setting and i was hungry and had to pee super bad#gonna try to do this tommorow as well. bc ik winter is gonna hit soon#and then its not gonna be plausibe#i still heard Industrial Noises up there but i used my noise cancelling headphones#& that blocked most of it out#ive finallt started progressing on writing persuasive essay on this subject#previously id focoused my efforts mostly on reaserching the practical side of like. how to covert ur yard#+ what plants to use. etc#but now im looping background writing abt the actual reasoning behind it#which like. i feel like i needed zero actual persuasion to get on board w this. which is why i didnt#dedicate to much time to reaserching the 'why'#but i do a whole lot of promoting this subject to people i meet so i might as well read up &#try & create a more comprehensive & detailed resource to send to ppl#after i give them my Rip Up Your Lawn talk#i mean i give them the gardening advice resources. but i think some ppl need extra convincing & thats what this is for#LAWN LAWN RIP UP UR LAWN. KILL UR LAWN PLANT REAL PLANTS <3
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i got a survey to fill out about my experience of antisemitism on my university campus and while i'm cool with sharing my opinion for data purposes (the results are all anonymized anyway) i wish there had been a field somewhere to clarify that my university has a vanishingly small jewish population (could probably be counted in the low teens, if even that high, in the entire university), absolutely zero jewish life on campus like hillel or chabad or even an interfaith club, and is, in terms of social/political climate, very out of the ordinary when it comes to the majority of american schools
#i wanna talk about me#like not to dox myself but something like 80% of the student body is self ID practicing catholic#now that might only be a statistic of the undergrad population and i am no longer in undergrad#and the grad population (especially in my fields of study but also i think university wide) are more diverse than that#but also the grad population isn't the same kind of. let's say captive audience as the undergrad campus housed population yk#so like me saying in a survey that i don't experience much if any antisemitism on campus#and that there has been zero significant change in the way i have experienced campus since simchat torah#well it's true. but i feel the need to add the disclaimer that i very much attend an outlier of a school here#same w the jewish life question like i Would participate in it gladly. if it existed#but it doesn't. we just have 45869 different flavors of catholic student orgs to choose from#still though. i'd rather be here than.....basically any other school in the area rn. as a jew.
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thinking abt Dyson
because why was he so fixated on the renegade? Well, I just ranted about this to my sister so I will tell you
He's offended by The Renegade's very existence. They're a mediocre copycat at best. He wants him gone, derezzed, erased. And why? Because he care about Tron, and that's complicated.
He's the one you looked up to, trusted implicitly, trusted with your life and health. He gets to make the decisions because he'll always make the right one, he won't let them derezz or get needlessly hurt, right?
But he does, Tron defended the ISOs. The ones who started the fight(debatable), who ruined his face. And still, Tron defends the ISOs because Flynn says so.
So he doesn't get it fixed. He waits for Flynn, wants him to see exactly why the ISOs are dangerous, get him to admit that the ISOs are an issue, not a miracle. Because, if Flynn admits that, changes his mind, then so will Tron, and everything will be FINE again.
But Flynn doesn't. He doesn't even seem to care, and just like that, he knows Tron will never stop defending the ISOs. He's lost Tron forever.
So they overthrow Flynn, because they have to. And they take in Tron because they need him. Sure, they could have derezzed him, but he's The BEST and Dyson still hopes he'll change his mind.
He tortures Tron, because he cares. They could rectify him, but he wouldn't be Tron anymore. He still wants him to change his mind, but he HATES that Tron still defended the ISOs. If he changes his mind, it might be okay.
He slices into his face, so they match. If they match, maybe Tron will get it, will see how much he suffered.
He creates a virus, so he can make Tron perfect again. Because if Tron changes his mind, joins Dyson, he'll be perfect. And HE wants to be the one to fix Tron. Not CLU or some medic, DYSON.
And then Tron dies not really but Dyson doesn't know that. And he's relieved. Tron is dead. And it's easy to love a memory.
Then the renegade shows up, and in the smallest, deadest part of your heart, he hopes it's Tron. But it isn't. He's weaker and stupid and overall worse. He Tarnishes the name of Tron and he can't abide by that. The Renegade must be derezzed.
But you're smart and cunning. You shouldn't care so much anyway. Luckily, you have an excuse. The renegade is a threat to CLU, even if a small, albeit annoying one. And you will win, just like Tron trained you to.
#typed this on mobile so apologies for typos#tron rant#Dyson#this might be obvious but I still want to talk about it#idk if this is coherent#it's also longer than I thought it would be???#I find it telling that Dyson didn't look at Tron while talking about rectifying his team#It's like saying#'LOOK! LOOK! All your friends and me are here#Just join us#Stay with us#Stay with me#Please'#I also don't like Dyson that much so idk why I wrote so much abt him
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So I actually finished listening to the whole Sparks studio album discography today, with Plagiarism, which I probably would have put off still for an indefinite amount of time, but since that was the last album on the list and the new Sparks era is now imminent... felt fitting to sort of finally listen to that. So I've been thinking of making a (short-ish? lol) post and talking a (little? lol) bit about all the albums I've left off from my Sparkstember writeups because I wasn't familiar enough with them yet at the time. So that the essay collection is completed at last yay. But well yeah, big day I guess, I'm officially all caught up, after... A year and 10 months?! I take my time with things... even if I'm super into them, or maybe especially??
#i meaaaaan I guess there's still annette left technically#except i did listen to that one once but only the shorter vinyl version and i almost forgot about doing that anyway#so yeah i want to get to watching annette eventually lol... (one of the two movies I'm going to watch this year)#the cool thing is that there's still stuff like the early demos & that one rarities collection etc that i don't know much stuff from still#and like i'm tempted to just get to those and give them one solid listen but also...#the thought of all those mysterious unknown tracks still being out there is too beautiful to let go of yknow?#however i also have a big problem with putting off getting into things... often until im no longer interested in them#not that this is whats going to happen here. but it happened before for sure. and it's just kind of a maybe not the best approach.#like having a cool powerful item in a game and never using it because it might be more useful later.#except sometimes it was a good idea to get to those things later#and spread the enjoyment i get from it over a longer period of time. so that meant MORE joy actually#but i already talked about something like this before didn't i. also well about plagiarism i will just say that#well i wasn't very impressed by it lol. not that i had a bad time listening to it but...#hmmm i guess it's just better to not think about it in the same way as you do with more traditional albums#but uh yeah i guess i'll get into that properly sooner or later#well all in all i'm so ready for the new sparks era i can say this for sure now#goosepost
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Notes are cool but when u start talking to me...thats worth 50 notes babey
#dont get me wrong thou its def still worthwhile seeing my shenanigans get acknowledged w likes#like oh!!! it is not dead in here thanks you for seeing me :)#i appreciate that very much#redstrewn talks#meta#not touchstarved-specific tangent in these tags. but semi-related meta stuff#naturally one would assume i prefer a chatroom like discord server bc that's convo#and of course that allows for longer back and forths#but theres a sort of...temporal lock to chats? like to reply to an old conversation no longer works since its buried by new ones#i dont get that sense with posts. at least on tumblr. i know instagram and twitter has that weird culture of “wHy arE yOu sCrOlling sO fAr#baCk mY pOsts yOu STALKER!!!“#but on tumblr its normal to get back to posts that are a little old. even maybe really old#and what happens is conversations dont get locked by time. if someone finds an old post with ideas: they can revisit it and rekindle#those ideas. and maybe continue expanding on it. a conversation gets made where it would have been lost to chats#and imo theres less of a sense of cliqueish fear. like a blog is public to everybody. whereas in a chat it might feel daunting or#intrusive to join a conversation. especially between regulars. no matter if its a public server
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sometimes..so.etimes they change something even after the premiere. sp you appear and watch an entirely new and prolonged monologue. and it's like. FUCK YEAH.
#me showing up at the theatre: be normal be normal be normal be normal be no#me realising they added some things and it adds a lot of characerisation: BE NORMAL BE NORMAL BE NORMAL BE NORMAL BE NORMAL BE NORMAL!!!!!#(misson failed but at least i was Quiet lmao)#the fun thing about seeing this several times tho is that by now ive stopped trying to figure out the plot#bc i Know the plot by now and i can speak along to a decent portion of lines#so now i focus not on what they mean but what exactly they say in any moment#i notice all the small irrelevant lines that still add so much to the characters voices and dynamics#its sooooo fun#and sometimes its also just really funny#'hell do good' 'didnt you just talk to him? the fuck he will. that man cant even pretend to have any self control'#i mean she was RIGHT#my man is out here being such a miserable little fuck being dramatic about his problems#if he could get a grip on himself for like five minutes everyone could have lived! idiot <3#AND THE OTHER GUY#if you had just KEPT AWAY instead of Walking Up To Your Murderer and distracred them for like. a few minutes longer IT WOULD ZAVE WORKED#like yeah youd still be dead BUT THAT WAS THE POINT WASNT IT#LIKE THIS YOU JUST DIED FOE NOTHING#YOUE BUDDY DIES TOO BC YOU GOT YOURSELF MURDERED TOO SOON. idiot#ill be honest. if they had kissed (and if youd seen rhe way they LOOK at each other) things might have actually gone well#im convinced of this#i have Textual Evidence#anyway. i should read the og play and find out if its the play or just the actors#like do the characters actually constantly refer to each other as 'my [name/title]' or did the theatre make it even gayer themselves#ik the actors are doing it on purpose anyway. that is Not coincidence#a biscuit's rambles
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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never like trauma dumping on tumblr but this is my only safe place to rant about shit…
#berry rant (˵•̀⤙•́˵)૭#so um trigger warning#every time i think im getting better#is when everything falls apart#car broke down#no longer can use it#ipad stopped charging??#i use it for college#so fuck#and worst of all#i might lose my house#mom can’t afford it on disability#me and my brother applied everywhere#still no response#walgreens please hire me#also my mom just told me she almost committed because of this#and my brother is saying he will never talk to my mom again#there has always been family issues#gonna use my college savings to help keep the house for ass long as i can#don’t know how much 3grand will help#luckily i don’t pay for college rn cause i go to a community school#but the fund was to help pay for next year#but i would rather have a roof over my head#than have a college degree rn
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Got new pain meds to keep me going till at least tomorrow/friday!!! ✨️✨️✨️🥹
#strong enough stuff yippee 😭❤️#might be longer if the hospital still doesnt know What is affecting my joints by then#still cant walk bc Too much Fluid in every joint#im so happy i can finally actually Rest now for the first time in 5 weeks 😭#medical talk#honeydew talks#very dizzy but not nauseous. everything spinnyyy#im going back to sleep 🫡🥰
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funny au information NOW [launching furniture via telekinesis]
MY FUCKING HOUSE. IT IS IN SHAMBLES
also your wish is my command. prepare for a wall
for things to make sense, i should give background on the spearheader of the au. aka, why the au even fucking exists. and once i do THAT then i’ll explain it so its not just. “ok how the fuck did this happen”
so to get it out of the way. i have this very particular oc, Tuppoi, whom i post abt on and off but ive never really explained. mainly due to the fact that if i were to explain her properly then any post would become the equivalent of the great firewall of china. but for au’s sake i’ll summarize what the fuck she is, how she do, and how she created another timeline. aka this au
tuppoi came from an AAHW cloning batch that uses fuckn, dna samples from prior to marshmellow madness when animals theoretically existed. there were 3 others in her batch but we’re only focusing on Fuckhead right now. her sample contained mostly lizard & skink dna, and some chromosome fuckery later, heres why she has four hands. some dissension shit later of “this job fucking SUCKS” and her technical brother was wounded in the crossfire of escaping, while also being slapped into a coma due to tuppoi’s own medical malpractice. she cant Medicbag. this caused her to want to revive him, so she put her talent of technical machinery to use and started to produce weaponry to raise funds to bring em back. this wasn’t enough though, so she switched to android manufacturing. many monopoly money later and she’s risen to the top where she can start asking around for those to revive her brother. which, smthn abt a fragmented S3LF later, she decides that she HAS to attract the attention of stygian in order to bring him back. monopolization and “fuckoff SQ” later, stygian arrives like the mercy from overwatch gif and revives her brother for shits and giggles then despawns (this is a pissass explaination but the visual works). this causes tuppoi to realize that death is a meaningless concept in nevada if you truly can just bring someone back from the dead, since she didnt fully believe it prior. and once she discovered what the fuck dissonance is (after one of her androids got killed), she got set on “resetting” nevada to its former glory, prior to the nexus’ downfall and prior to any improb drive activation. the “default of nevada” as she’d coin it.
so a fuckton of going back and forth between the SQ and purgatory shit later (the SQ deems her as a threat, and fuck i don’t blame them!) she opens a gate, nether portal, whatever to purgatory to let a very fucking dangerous thing out to scorch nevada. and with the help of her fuckass improb drive ipad infected with a null variable, which effectively bypasses the theoretical admin system of nevada (think like a pc), she completely reset nevada. though in canon she both succeeded AND failed due to an interloper completely splitting the process and causing her timeline to splinter off from the current, instead of completely resetting the nevada they resided in.
tldr, tuppoi is a fucking smug asshole and with the help of “i know too much for my own good”, she fractured reality because she saw the current reality as too easy, and went to make reality into her own vision.
okay are you still here. i didnt scare you off right. okay cool, so now about the au she successfully created and the shit you actually ASKED ABOUT,
the au Tuppoi created can best be summarized as “if cyberpunk 2077 took place in nevada, and if everything was a theoretical utopia”. everything is so technologically advanced that atleast every grunt has an augmentation of some sort. and where the SQ was trying to uphold the status quo of the machine, the SQ here is trying to completely break it in order to cause anarchy, out of sheer distaste under Tuppoi’s utopian and ever-so-subtle dictatorish rule.
a bit more context on to how the au was created, once tuppoi was slapped into the new timeline they were thrown immediately into when marshmellow madness was about to happen. so to prevent THAT and from a certain null integer spawning, with the power of her fuckass improb drive she completely deleted it. and since improb drives hadn’t even been conceived yet; it was freeroam for her to do whatever she wanted, to be perceived as a god and to shape nevada into her molding. and so her second course of action was to completely revoke The Maker’s admin role and to merge a certain fuckshit with The Machine, basically turning a degrading and almost deceased imac into a modern day gaming computer. so now, tuppoi has complete reign under nevada!
ok i fucking deviated BAH. morw about the au since this is not an exclusively tuppoi ramble even though she is keenly tied to it.
the au, the terminal au, named as such since. you can take terminal alot of different ways and also >computer terminal. grunts are effectively under a hivemind to stay “correct” and to follow their assigned tasks, their goals. much like actual madcom canon except the machine got fuckshit pissy about that not being followed. though here since every grunt is augmented, they’re hooked to the machine’s server which forces them to behave and not “act out of line”, making it VERY difficult to dissent, BUT. the SQ (which i probably need to rename huh) managed anyway from varying points;
doc being a super hacker and able to reroute past the machine’s connection, dei just turning off connection to the machine and doing the same thing for sanford— connecting to doc’s server if needbe for hacking purposes, and hank just. Well. Fucker is 80% bionic so he’s sort of relying off doc anyway, so he’s hardwired to doc’s server. really most of this can be summarized up to “me and the boys avoiding the school firewall”
jebus likely exists but not in the way you’d think, im still thinking about him but he’d be a savior in his own way, crackpot ate shit and died aka i dont even know if he exists considering in the au, nexus city didnt even get established, tricky i need to think about but he’d either be Mostly organic or Mostly mechanical, i cant tell. bro has to have a stark contrast somewhere and im still debating. employers only half-exist but their role isn’t “all-powerful overseeing gods”, its “forced into overseeing districts of nevada from their stations”, so every employer is forced to be the auditor since tuppoi does Not trust anyone. not even with creative mode she just Doesnt trust anyone, and she has no need to in hindsight.
phobos also doesnt exist. Shocking. or well, maybe crackpot&him could exist but they’d be so rewritten. maybe they’re a warhammer40k terminally online club idk LMAO.
feel like i should elaborate on both doc & hank’s designs so far but i think they’re self explanatory. doc has the Big Computer on his hip and is shaped like a hackerman, also has lightup sketchers cause he would. and he’d pull up his pc with holograms so that shit’s neat i think. also of course he’d be able to hack stuff, but his skills are Greatly Enhanced when his pc is on, at the tradeoff of him risking being discovered by tuppoi due to so many anonymous and heavily encrypted packets being sent to her server (the machine).
and hank is 80% bionic and 20%? mechanical, playing into the “this fucker is a MACHINE.” and the reason for him being so augmented so much, is that revival sort of Doesnt exist. yeah. death is fucking Permanent, and stuff like medicbags is a scarce find (can you tell tuppoi made this timeline.) so the only way to efficiently heal yourself is to augment yourself. Which is why hank looks like a fucking soldat on destiny steroids. and why he has that big fuckoff blade which can be replaced for other parts (but thats mostly to make him kill quicker) but by fucking god im not drawing them!! one of them is a railgun reconfigured into a rifle, and i’m NOT DRAWING THAT !!
but yeah. key takeaways;
— tuppoi (terminal) au is cyberpunk 2077 but nevada and everything is a utopia governed by Fuckshit Von Tupperware
— dissenters want reality fucked up and nuked because in every timeline they hate tuppoi (mostly true)
— tuppoi’s character arc is “i miss my brother -> “Reality is pointless and so is progression, it’s best if it was all reset and built anew under a more purposeful gaze.”
— i need to ramble about these fuckshits more so thank you for invading my home, throwing my furniture around like a gmod prophunt map, and asking for This
as a bonus heres terminal tuppoi & int i never posted because i forgor
#THANKYOU THANK Y THANKYOU FOR ASKING#i was waking up as i typed this so if shit doesnt make sense you can ask for reclarification#but fuckk i have so much. lore. help.#i stapled toyhouse links in for the characters i was referring to#because if i DIDNT then this would be longer than the great firewall.#madness combat#madness combat au#slimslime talks#still exploding btw thankyou thankyu#also i might redo the terminal int#still not happy w it but idk
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queued 30-something succposts 👍 i had to stop because i went far enough down my "x" tag to crash my app but i remember where i was so unfortunately i will continue sometime tomorrow. i don't know how a queue works so. i'm sorry in advance for the dribbling and constant stream of succession posts to come. just block the tag "succmas," you don't have to unfollow me, please, i'm begging you. 🙏
#i was so..#happy/sad/passionate just emotive. period.#i'm not like that about anything anymore#i forgot i had ever been like that#👉👈 i think i might be balls deep in a sexy little depressive episode rn#talking about.. like 6+ months deep#and before that i was in the trenches of grief which i still am tbh#think i might've locked down pretty bad recently because i'm no longer going to therapy so it's just like oh well the healing is over#and there wasn't a lot of it#so i guess i will just be an open wound now#which simultaneously isn't true#but is very fucking true actually#i probably shouldn't have pursued cbt last year#bc it's bad to look at a year's worth of weekly therapy appointments and think 'what was accomplished'#but then again maybe it was really the difference between me killing myself and not idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#adam talks too much
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i just reached 30k on my fic and there's still 5 chapters left (over 11) and they keep getting longer.... someone tell me how I got here bc this was supposed to be a one shot ://
#tbf i think im rambling in descriptions bc i've got all these ideas about this magical world and i want to talk about them even though it-#-doesn't neccessarily add anything.. or like. maybe i'm telling too much instead of showing#it doesnt matter ill fix it when i start editing!#this might be the longest thing ive ever written front to back like hot damn#also if you're wondering. no i still haven't edited the nortrell one shot i was talking about#and i've been too sad to work on the robin/ferdi one so it will have to wait#this longer fic is taking all my energy rn#alex rants#alex writes#fe magic au
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At the crossroads between wondering if it's worth it to basically completely rewrite all my WIPs or just take a break from writing for the rest of the summer
#i noticed every summer i get progressively worse lol#like not in terms of writing but in terms of everything else goin on in my head#i mean if anyone is craving some dark and depressing shit i've got bits and pieces here#it's like i'm writing for an audience even in my own mind. can't finish anything because it's __ __ __ etc and my niche is too niche.#did my last fic really burn me out that much?? i mean it was basically 30 thousand words and there was a LOT packed into it#maybe i should finally respond to comments and i'll feel better.#something's been going on with me for the past couple months (maybe longer) and i'm just annoyed ALL the time#feel like i want to give up everything and stop talking to everyone. ((it could be my out of whack hormones mind))#so if i haven't been as active and haven't drawn or written much that's why. i'm pulling away and curling in like an atrophied limb.#my brain is just permanently in school mode. i can feel it gearing up for the oncoming year that's going to be super intense.#like would it even matter if i post any more work before september? idk why i can never seem to chill or take a break for even a minute.#i still have drawing projects i want to finish at least! taking me literally all summer because of surprise health problems.#partner was consoling me about how i feel for writing '''weird''' stuff with almost no focus on romance#saying that SOMEbody has to write what i write so that should keep me going. i just tell myself that it could be worse -#- i could be primarily a femslash writer. they are the real heroes and they get no respect.#idk why i'm getting so angsty#i think i might be romance/sex repulsed atm. not in real life at all but in fandom. i'm bored of it. and i'm bored of conversations about i#i'm sure i'll change my mind in what two weeks or so.#maybe i'll try to write something original#i have things in my ask box i should respond to. like asks about my writing. i just haven't been feeling well#so i haven't had the right brain to respond :( but i see the asks and i'm grateful <3#anyway peace and love
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oh sweet jesus this Dark Core Day fic is going to be over 100 pages long isn’t it that wasn’t supposed to happen
#don't mind me I'm talking#I know Dark Core Day was over a month ago I'm still working on the fic it's SO much longer than I anticipated#at this point I'll be happy if it is ONLY 100 pages#100 pages might be still underestimating it#it is definitely going to be over 100 pages because it's already at like 60 pages?#67 actually I think when I put the two docs together#oh god yeah 150 or 200 is a more accurate guess for this fic#jesus christ I'm actually writing a novel for this nO#I will definitely have to redo the chapters because 6 chapters is not enough for how long it has gotten already#chapter 3 is currently like 28 pages long and still has a third to go?
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