#i might just bring that one back after revamping it a little because it was definitely one of my favorite and also ..

[yuomizuu]

are you the same author who used to write kazuha botanist and historical aus? i feel like your works and layout resemble that author I'm trying to find 😭 I'm sorry if it's too vague but I remember seeing early 2024 someone consistently commenting on your posts, one of them said your writing was almost Shakespearen

hello anon!! ^w^

yes i am! i believe you’re referring back to when i had my previous blog @/uuyuomi (+ @/mwahkazu as my side) since that’s where i had my kazuha x botanist! reader au uploaded and basically all my other historical au ideas lol

that blog was deactivated a while ago mainly due to me just wanting to have a fresh start and all that www i answered a similar ask here that gives a bit more detail!

[astermath]

nemesis; part two.

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader

summary: with carmen reworking the restaurant, you’d think his mind would be far too occupied to even think about anything else. yet he can’t shake the guilt from what he’d put you through a month prior. after some talks in therapy, he decides to take a leap of faith and see if he can talk it out with you. he not only wants to convince you that he can be better, but he's got an offer for you too. one you truly can't refuse.

♡ landing page ♡

word count: 4.9K

tags: carmen being unsure about his feelings but trying to be better episode 3265742, letting reader in a little more, APOLOGIES!!!, cursing ig, carm goes to therapy yippee, syd being the absolute realest, regular font below!

notes: sorry this took literally forever omg, I lost my carmen muse for a bit but we are SO back baby. I missed him so much and so sorry if some things don't follow the canon completely (I've been watching season 2 on and off bc I've been so busy lol BUT my fics never follow the canon completely anyways),, hope u guys enjoy and let me know if you'd like a part three ;))

lmk if you'd like to be added to the tag list for further carmen berzatto related content! comments and reblogs are highly appreciated!

Carmen’s life hadn’t known a moment of mental rest in ages. If you asked him when he last sat down with his thoughts or acknowledged his mental anguish, he probably would have said he couldn’t remember the last time. If ever.

With plans to completely revamp The Beef and everything that came with it, now his feelings should be the last thing on his mind. Renovation plans, unforeseen costs and a completely new menu, sure, he could worry his ass off about those, but feelings? Absolutely not. Good thing he was usually so good at suppressing those anyways.

So why was it that he couldn’t shake the thought of what he did to you?

Why, every time he had a moment to himself, would he be overtaken by this intense feeling of guilt? He didn’t even have to be alone, just a second of quiet and the image of you crying in distress would intrude on his thoughts.

It was getting to a point where he’d told his sister, Natalie, about it. Well, not all of it, he wasn’t even sure if he knew all of it. Just that he knows he hurt you, and that coming to terms with what he projected onto you might be a good first step in understanding himself better.

Or maybe it was something more along the lines of “I gotta talk my shit to some people”. Probably that.

To his surprise, it was actually helping. Besides the group therapy sessions where he’d talk about Mikey, the business and his future, he was talking to other people in his life too. Even told Sydney about you, kind of on accident. The words just seemed to… Flow out. It was probably the exhaustion doing its thing.

“I guess I just felt like,” he kept his eyes on the floor he was sweeping, “she was doing it all to fuck with me. I don’t even know where I got the sick idea that she had some obsession over me, but it— it drove me at the same time. It’s like her being on my heels at every aspect of culinary school just made me want to try even harder.”

“Maybe you painted her in that light because you knew it was a good way to keep pushing yourself.” Sydney spoke almost absentmindedly, sweeping the other side of the room. She listened to everything he said in the meantime, and though what he was telling her was a bit worrying, she was glad they got to have talks like this. Carmen often doesn’t like to bring up his past like that.

“Huh,” he paused sweeping for a moment, “yeah… yeah, maybe. Or maybe it was something else.”

Sydney wasn’t even sure he knew what he was referring to. It sounded like something entirely different, like a crush, but what kind of person treats their crushes like that?

Probably an overworked, pressured, overachieving culinary student with a dangerous need for validation. But she wasn’t about to tell him that.

“So yeah, I visited her restaurant, and… It just felt the exact same as back in New York, you know? Like she was rubbing it in my face again, and— and I know that sounds insane, or conceited, but I just can’t let it go. It’s like the thought of her is stuck to my brain like a stubborn piece of gum.” He wanted to smack himself for that stupid analogy, but what was said was said.

“So how’d you handle it?” Sydney’s head perked up, some of her braids now draping over her shoulders.

“Handle what?” Carmen became more and more uneasy the more he talked about you. Like his chest was tight, it was uncomfortable, but not in the way he was when the health inspection came by, it was different. Weirder. Unfamiliar. He didn’t like it, because he didn’t understand it.

“The talk with her.” She emptied the last bit of dust into the trash bag.

“Oh,” his mind took him back to the parking lot a month ago. The way he could almost taste the tears of your skin from how close he stood, he could hear the shakiness of your breath and the profound desperation in your voice when you apologized to him, when you really had no reason to.

If it was still so clear in his mind, then what must it be like for you?

“Carmen?” Sydney snapped him out of his oncoming train of thought.

“Yeah? Sorry, I— Uh, I don’t know it was…” He runs a hand through his hair, suddenly finding it in his best interest to look anywhere else but her face. “Bad. It was— It was bad.” He looks a bit shameful when he meets her eyes. “I fucked up. I like, went all New York boss on her. And then I just… Left.”

His colleague just stares at him for a moment. She knew what he was like when he snapped like that, but that was with his staff, people he liked. So how badly did he snap on you, a person he’d been resenting for years?

“I’m gonna go take out this trash, and uh… Head home.” She lifts the grey plastic bag she was holding. “But uh, Carm?”

“Yeah?”

“You got issues, man.” She has a bit of an awkward smile on her face, but he knows she means it. He knows she’s right. She usually is.

He nods, silently, letting her words sink in. He did have issues, everyone knew that, but most people didn’t just say it. That’s why he liked Sydney, she was so real, so honest. She was so good for the business, for the kitchen. And maybe her saying that to him was all part of grounding him in the reality of it all. Of his issues, just that they existed.

“Heard.” he says. His voice comes out raspier than he expected, like he’s struggling to say it.

“Goodnight, chef.”

“Night.”

He’d thought about what Sydney said the entire night. He does have issues, he knows that, he’s just mad at himself for letting everything get this far before seeking help. It scares him. Because it reminds him too much of Mikey. Or what he heard about him when things got bad.

He doesn’t want to make the same mistakes his brother did. Lock people out of his life just because it seems easier, because it’s better to minimize the damage than to figure out why you’re doing damage at all. And yes it’s uncomfortable, yes it’s scary, terrifying even. But he keeps being reminded of how it must feel for you.

It’s something he’d never considered before. He always thought he had you all figured out, all fake smiles and backhanded compliments to distract him. It never occurred to him to just… Ask. It was always just easier to assume. It fit his view of you and it kept him going, even if it was at the expense of ever getting to know you at all.

He’s hoping he can change that with a few text messages and a long, probably uncomfortable, talk over coffee. Just hoping, trying, that’s really all he can do. He’s well aware of how bad he is at communicating, but he has to give it a shot. For you, at least.

He stares at his phone screen for far longer than is necessary, continuously rereading the messages he’d typed. His eyes keep flicking to your contact, making sure he sent it to the right person. The only thing you two had texted about before was a time and place for him to try your new restaurant. His heart aches at the exclamation points and emojis you’d sent; you were so excited, and he drove all that excitement straight into the ground.

He closes his eyes and shuts off the phone. His chest hurts, like he’s been holding his breath the entire time. Maybe he has. You could have that effect on him, making it harder to breathe. He always wondered why he had such nervous reactions around you specifically. He always figured it had to do with your one sided rivalry, but it feels… Different. More complex.

Your eyes are finally peeled off your computer screen when numerous phone notifications alarm you. Truth be told, you’ve been trying your best to keep yourself occupied as much as possible. That usually helps when you get waves of emotions like this, keeping busy, distracting your mind from overthinking.

Ever since your last encounter with Carmen, you’ve been so on edge. Always trying to do something, anything, so you wouldn’t have to think about what happened, why he acted like that to you. Because you know if you did, you’d just start blaming yourself again, and you’d be back to square one.

Your eyebrows raise at the name of the contact. You were sure he’d blocked you, or at least deleted your number after last time. He was avoidant like that, and frankly, you weren’t sure if you wanted him to talk to you again after that anyways. Maybe it was just to drive the point home, make you feel even more worthless.

Still, you were curious. Even if it was just to cuss you out even more, at least you knew what to expect, right?

[carmen]: hey, I really want to talk to you about what happened last time.

[carmen]: well

[carmen]: I want to apologise

[carmen]: but I can’t do that like this

[carmen]: I’d much rather do it in person

[carmen]: if you’d let me

[carmen]: meet me at odette’s tomorrow around 10? coffee’s on me, I just want to talk

[carmen]: please

The last message was sent minutes later than the rest, while you were reading them. He was desperate for an answer, and though you wanted to hear him out, to talk to him, something in you felt off about the whole thing. Like he was just doing this to clear off his own guilt, only to then ditch you just like he ditched you after culinary school. Because you’re rivals, apparently. That’s what you do.

But then there’s something else in you too. The part that’s still nostalgic about New York with him. About the glances back and forth when you were timed on preparing certain things, about the way he’d stare at you when you got feedback, the ignorant bliss you lived in. When you still believed he might have liked you just a little.

That part of you takes the upper hand when you reply and take his offer. Your heart is in your throat, nerves overtaking you already and you weren’t even with him yet. He had that effect on you sometimes, making it harder to breathe.

You wondered what that meant.

Carmen sits alone at a booth, all the way at the back of the café he’d chosen. It’s rather quiet, as most Mondays are, yet at the same time, it’s so loud. Loud in the way he hears the clinking of every spoon against porcelain cups, the crinkling of a napkin and the not so subtle ticking of the clock above the entrance. 10:06. You were late.

Suddenly he's filled with more regret than he's ever felt before. He's not ready to see you again, only to be reminded of how he made you cry, and of his own tumultuous emotions and shortcomings that lead to this moment. It's surprising how fast the emotions he associates with you changed; he's not angry anymore, he's scared, guilty, nervous. He wants to see you so bad and yet he feels like you'd be better off never talking to him again.

It's too late to make a run for it when you finally walk through the door. Hair a little damp from the rain, just a bit disheveled from what he could only assume to be rushing over to the café. And that same angelic smile you offer to the barista that greets you, the same one you'd offer him every morning, whether he looked at you or not.

He had no choice but to look now.

Your smile falters into something more nervous, a little melancholic, when your eyes meet his across the café. Though you knew he was going to be there, something in you feels surprised to see him again. Maybe it’s because he isn’t yelling at you or throwing insults at your head this time. Or maybe because he’s actually looking you in the eye. Since when did he get so good at that?

You sit down across him, taking off your coat and putting your bag besides you.

“Hey.” You smile again, much more awkward this time.

“Hey.” He returns the same thin lipped smile.

It’s quiet for a few seconds. Carmen swears the whole café has gone silent in that moment, leaving the two of you to listen to the sound of your own breathing and heartrate picking up. You’re not sure where to look, not being used to being in such an intimate setting with him.

“Do you want a coffee?”

“Sorry I was late.”

You both talk over each other, and the urge to chuckle about it overtakes you. Carmen can’t help but smile as well. You seem nervous, and somehow that puts him a little more at ease. Like he’s not the only one who’s in their head about it.

“Sorry, I, uhm, yeah— I would like a coffee.” You scramble over your words. “Please.”

“Sure,” he nods, “and no worries.”

“Hm?”

“That you were late. I haven’t been here that long either.” He lied. He’d been there half an hour early, cursing himself for letting him sit along with his thoughts for that long and psyching himself out into almost leaving.

You both order and another heavy silence sits between you two. You both know why you’re there, what needs to be talked about. Yet neither of you know how to bring it up.

You’ve lived most of your lives believing this version of each other you had in your minds. Because it kept you grounded. Because it was easier. He never let you in and for the longest time, you were at peace with that. You could have a slightly distant view of who he was, your classmate, your rival. And he could do the same. Keep you out, pretend you were there to keep him on his toes, to always try to outdo him.

Those facades of each other don’t work anymore. The real world has forced you to reconcile with each other, whether you liked it or not.

Your coffee gets brought to your table, and both of you feel this urgency to say something, anything, at least.

“The pastries here are good too, if you want to get one.” He finally broke the awkward silence. He can start with talking about food, something he knows. If all else fails, resort back to that.

“I haven’t tried a pastry besides my own in a long time. Maybe I could learn a thing or two here.” You admit. He knows that feeling. He’s not nearly as adventurous with his food choices as he wants to be, but as a busy chef on the brink of a new entrepreneurship, it’s usually beef sandwiches and frozen meals.

“I think yours were better though.” He takes a sip of his coffee.

“Huh?” You look up, realizing you were avoiding eye contact by staring into your cup.

“The danish I tried at your place. It was fire.”

“Oh. Right. Thank you, we make everything from scratch.”

“I could tell.” He takes another sip. “I guess I— I kinda forgot to tell you that. In the heat of it all.” He huffs to himself. “Food was so good it made me upset.”

“Upset?” His word use frustrates you. Upset is when they forget to give you your sauce with your order. What happened back there was not upset. That was rage. Wrath. You raise an eyebrow and he realizes he said something wrong.

“Well, more than upset. Listen, I— We need to talk about what happened.” His blue eyes peer into your own. They’re almost distracting enough to avoid you noticing his fidgeting hands.

“I’m listening.” You lean back slightly in your seat. You’d played nice with Carmen all your life, given him every chance to return it. Now it was his turn to try.

"Right." Of course he has to talk. It's his fault, isn't it? He's the one who snapped-- why did he even imply you'd have to explain yourself? He runs a hand through his hair, and there he goes again, eyes darting across the café to find something to focus on as he sought out the right words. You'd almost find it endearing, how bad he is at this, if it wasn't so important to you.

"You don't do this often, do you?"

"What, like-- meeting up for coffee?"

"Talking about stuff. Your feelings and shit." You hid your slightly amused smile behind your coffee cup before taking a small sip.

"Oh. Yeah, no, I-- I don't. Not until recently." He takes a deep breath. Just like they had told him to. “I’ve been going to this therapy thing my sister recommended. S’not much, but… It’s a start. Talked about the restaurant, my brother—“

“Your brother?” Your eyebrows raise slightly.

“Yeah, my— my brother. Mikey.” He looks a bit surprised. He’s come to the shattering realization that he’s never told you anything about his personal life, ever. You don’t even know about one of the most important people in his life, his main drive. You’ve known each other for so long yet you know so little. “I never told you about him?”

“You never told me anything.” You answer curtly. “We never really… Talked, you know?”

“Yeah— yeah, you’re right. I just thought… Wow.” He smiles, more out of shock than anything. He feels so stupid. How immature is it to be feuding this much with a person who doesn’t know anything about you?

“I guess I really don’t know much about you either.” His fingers rake through his messy curls again. “Makes me feel like even more of an idiot for going off on you like that. Like I had you all figured out.”

“Yeah, that was uh... That was something." The mood shifts a little. His smile fades as soon as he sees the melancholy in your eyes return. Of course it wouldn't be that easy for you to forgive him, to feel better about all this. "You know, I never knew you thought of me like that." A small smile graces your features. Somehow it's sadder than the expression you had before.

"I mean, I knew you didn't like me. I was pretty much at peace with the fact that you were never going to like me, either. But I never thought you hated me that much." You sniffle, trying your hardest to blink away any oncoming tears. "Like your life, your entire career, would have been easier without me there at all."

His heart aches at the sight of you, all teary eyed and trying to be brave. You're much braver than him. Sadness is a much harder thing to express than anger. He's starting to figure that out more and more.

"I don't hate you." He starts. He sees the confusion contort your features, and he knows he's not making any sense. "I mean I did-- I did hate you. Or, maybe not you, just... The fucked up idea I had of you. And-- and that was on me, that was my own fault." He feels an urge to touch you; to rub your back, hold your hand, anything to comfort you. It's tearing him apart to know that he's the cause of all this.

"But why?" A single tear rolls down your cheek, leaving a wet streak on your skin in its wake. "Why did you think that about me? I-- I get that we had a little rivalry going but jesus Carmen, did you really think I spent my whole culinary school career trying to outdo you?"

"To be honest... Yeah." He feels ashamed. So ashamed. He hopes the waitress doesn't walk by and listen to any of this, see you crying, and make you feel even worse. "Cooking was always just... My thing. If I was good for anything, it would be that. So seeing you do so well at something I'd started to base my whole existence around, it made me jealous, so fucking jealous." He meets your eyes, even if it's hard. You have to know he's being sincere.

"And it's-- it's unfair, it's so unfair to you, I know, and I'm really fuckin' sorry. I'm trying to work on myself, on everything, and I hope I can prove that to you." His face has that red tint you recognize whenever he's nervous or stressed. You can tell this is taking a lot from him.

"Is that really all? You were just jealous?" Your voice is quieter, fragile almost.

"I don't know. I wanna think it's that simple but I really don't know. There's a lot I don't understand about me, or you, or us. My mind doesn't know how to react when I see you anymore I think, now that things are different." He takes a deep breath, like saying that took a physical toll on him. "You have this-- this weird effect on me, and I don't know how to cope with it. I think it was just easier to be mad at you than to be anything else."

Anger is easier to express than sadness. The easiest out of all emotions, actually. Sometimes a little too easy.

You look to the side, wiping your cheek with the back of your hand. You huff out something close to a laugh, and though he’s caught off guard by it, he doesn’t mind it. Even if you’re laughing at him, at least that means you’re not crying.

“You’ve got issues Berzatto. You know that?”

“Yeah. I’ve been told.” He smiles, and it’s heartfelt this time. Not nervous, or sad, or awkward. He’s happy to see you a little more at ease.

“It’s just really crazy to me.” You trace your finger over the edge of your coffee cup as you talk. “I spent so much time in culinary school looking up to you. And then I find out you were always just trying to keep up with me.”

Carmen’s eyebrows raise a little at your words. “Looked up to me?”

“Yeah, like… Your drive, your passion, it’s so impressive. Always looking to improve, to do better, it just— it inspired me to do better too. As cheesy as that may sound.” You smiled. “S’why I opened up in Chicago, you know.”

“Really? Huh.” He leaned back in his seat.

“Because I wanted to work with you. Or for you. Either would have been fine with me.” You sigh. “I like owning my own place, but… I don’t know, for some reason I always imagined us working together.” You smiled. “Is that stupid?”

“No,” he replied quickly, “no not at all, I— I totally get that.” He’s quiet for a few seconds, and you can practically hear the gears turning in his head when he stares at you for a moment.

“I mean you’re a remarkable chef, really, like— insanely remarkable, and, well, we’re revamping the restaurant completely right now. We need people— more people, new people, and so, I was wondering— or I’ve been thinking—“ He stops himself from losing his breath from all his rambling, before he freaks you out even more than he already has.

“I want you to come work for us at the Bear.” He puts his hands together, as if he’s about to beg. “Please.”

You can almost hear yourself blinking out of confusion. There’s suddenly no more loud silences, no, the café seems dead quiet for once. All you can do is stare at him, wait for a laugh, because clearly this was a joke right? There’s no way Carmen Berzatto, chef supreme, arch nemesis of yours, would want you anywhere near him, let alone work in his own establishment.

“I’m sorry?”

He feels stupid already. You had every reason to say no. He’d been the biggest asshole in the world to you, he’d kept his distance all his life, and now he expects you to be his employee. Or, well, colleague, more so.

“I’m uh— we’re redoing the restaurant entirely. New equipment, new staff, new everything.” He swallows; the thought of everything that needed to be done arises for a moment. “We need people that work hard, who know what they’re doing and who are passionate about it. And I barely know anyone who’s better at what you do than yourself.” He pauses, waiting for you to stop him. But you don’t.

“So I’m asking if you’d work for me. With me. It won’t be anything like old days, if anything I— I need to learn from you.” He scoffs at himself. “Could take a thing or two about how to communicate with my staff.”

You smile, and he genuinely thinks you’re about to start laughing at him. You chuckle, but it’s not mean, it’s honest. Cute.

“You know, you have great timing.” You grin.

“I do?” the smile on his face reflects the hope he feels.

“One of my chefs wants to take over the place for me. Well, has been wanting to. I haven’t had an exact reason to say yes to her yet.” You shrugged. “Guess I do now.”

“…Is that you saying yes?”

“It’s definitely not me saying no.” Your eyes meet his, and there’s something between you both that’s different now. It’s not like there’s a switch that’s been flipped. It‘s more like this conversation was the turning page of a new chapter.

“I’ll think about it. I want to see it first. Maybe talk to some of your staff.” Carmen’s chest strains a little when he thinks about you interacting with Richie. Then he’s reassured when he thinks about you interacting with Sydney or Marcus. You’d fit in well, you have great feeling for people.

“Yeah— yeah, I get that. Totally. I can arrange that. Uhm, we’re renovating right now, actually, it’s all really kinda wild, but if you wanna stop by, chat with Syd, or Nat, or talk about the plans, let me know. I’m sure they’d love to talk to you.” He’s not lying, you seem like you’d get along well with them. Especially Sydney. Your thinking processes are very similar to each other. And to his.

Carmen gets the bill, even though you try to pay for it.

“It’s just a coffee, just let me get this one.”

You let him have this one, simply because you can’t argue with him after the conversation you just had. You’re in too good of a mood after his proposition too.

He walks you to your car, hands in his pockets when you reach it. It’s cold outside, and his breath comes out in visible puffs of air. His nose is a little red, but you think it looks cute.

“Thanks for coming, by the way,” he starts, “I know you didn’t have to. Like— after how I acted to you. But— But I really do appreciate that you’re givin' me a chance here.” He’d always been confused about how positive and faithful you were in people. He never thought he’d be grateful for those exact features too.

“No worries, I… I had a good time. I’m glad we talked.” The keys jingle as you fidget with them. Among them is a keychain in the shape of a cherry, he recognizes it. It reminds him of how little you’ve both changed. And how much.

“Yeah.” He sighs. Relieved, almost. “Me too. But I’ll let you leave, might wanna tell your chef the good news.”

“Good news?” You quirk an eyebrow.

“That you’re selling them the business.”

“I haven’t decided yet, Carm.” You scoff. But he can tell you have, you look too excited about it all to not have your mind made up yet. It excites him too. Scares him a bit as well, but what’s a new chapter without a bit of tension?

“Right. Sorry.” He huffs. “Just text me when you wanna head over to see the place. It’s uh… It’s a work in progress, but it’s getting somewhere.”

“I believe you. I’m looking forward to it.” You lean back against your car a little.

“Yeah. Me too.”

“See y’around?” You unlock it and walk up to the driver’s side.

“Course. Uh, don’t be a stranger.”

You grin, leaning down to get into the vehicle. “Never with you, Berzatto.”

He watches you drive off, standing in the cold for far longer than any sensible person has any business standing there. But he feels good. He feels warm.

He thinks about what you said to him before you left. You were right, you were never a stranger to him. You were always like a constant in his life; whether you were actually present or not. And even if he didn’t know that much about you, which he was insistent on changing, you were never a stranger.

Never with him.

tag list <3

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[woah-were-halfway-there]

Just What I Needed

Word Count: 7.8k

A/N: here is the official rewritten and revamped first part of JWIN 🥹 it’s Carson and Auston discovering they’re expecting again and has been changed quite a bit. Hope you enjoy!

~*~

It was during a late evening in November when the thought of telling Auston what Carson spent the last few days running through her mind.

The two of them were at home, cuddled up on the couch together with one almost empty glass of wine, and one full one sitting on the coffee table nearby. Mia had fallen asleep fairly early that night, still adjusting to the time change of only being home from Sweden. So Carson and Auston decided to make the most of this chill Wednesday evening at home before he was set to leave the following afternoon with the team as they travelled to Chicago and then Pittsburgh. He wouldn’t be back until late that Saturday night.

At first, they were going to watch a movie together. But after Auston poured those two glasses of wine and the two of them engaged in a deep conversation about life, a movie wasn’t needed for they were both just so content with the others' presence.

It was peaceful. Frank was asleep in Mia’s room with her and Matthew had called it an early night, retreating to the basement after helping Carson clean up once they all finished eating dinner and Auston was upstairs bathing Mia. So, it was just Carson and Auston hanging out in their sweats relaxing together.

Carson wasn’t sure how or when she ended up in the position of almost laying directly on top of Auston, with her head resting against his chest and his arms wrapped protectively around her as Gloria by The Lumineers played softly from the TV and she watched their Christmas tree twinkle over in the corner by the big window, but she wasn’t too mad about either.

Everything about that moment seemed perfect, but then Carson glanced back to that full glass of wine.

There was a reason she wasn’t drinking and a huge part of her wondered if Auston had noticed. It was likely that he did but didn’t feel the need to bring it up or pressure her into giving him an answer, which made Carson feel a lot better about the thoughts running through her mind.

See, there was a reason she wasn’t drinking. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, because realistically, she wasn’t one to pass up wine, like ever. But she had been refraining from drinking it because there was something she just had to be sure about before she did.

She’d been feeling off as of late. It started shortly before they left for Sweden. There were some days Carson wouldn’t have much of an appetite, and others that she would have trouble getting out of bed because she just felt so crappy.

Auston noticed, naturally. He always did and became a little concerned about the upcoming trip if Carson wasn’t feeling well. Carson, however, insisted she was fine. She focused on powering through whatever she was feeling because she wanted to be there, supporting her husband in Stockholm and experiencing something so unforgettable. Carson also was determined to not let a little illness get to her because there she had a very sassy little girl whom she loved more than anything in the world and needed her mama.

Mia was roughly two months away from being two years old, which was absolutely crazy to Carson. Time had flown by and earlier that day while out on a walk with her, Auston and Frank, she found herself thinking back to when she found out she was pregnant with her daughter in the first place.

Finding out they were expecting Mia was an entire whirlwind of an experience. Carson was ridiculously sick and hadn’t even considered the thought of being pregnant, but after talking with Ema about the symptoms she had, Carson knew it was a possibility. Later that same evening, was when she found out she was going to be a mom.

Remembering that while hunched over the toilet in the bathroom of their hotel in Stockholm, waiting for a wave of nausea to pass, was when Carson started to think she might be pregnant again. The signs were there, her period was late. The more Carson thought about it, the more she became convinced that’s what was going on.

Except, they were in Sweden.

Being in Stockholm was an incredible experience, but it was also hectic. There was so much going on, that Carson barely had any time to just chill and process everything. As soon as the thought of being pregnant again crept into her mind, she wanted to tell Auston. While their group was out for dinner and she hardly ate and mainly just sipped on her water, others picked up on something being off.

Steph mentioned it, Mitch did too and of course, so did Auston. However, he didn’t want to make a scene about it because he knew Carson wouldn’t want that.

During dinner, when Mia got fussy, Carson was quick to excuse her and Mia to go outside and get some fresh air, but Auston wasn’t far behind them. Not only did he want to help with Mia and make her feel better, but he needed to check in on Carson too. They weren’t outside for long before Willy showed up and took Mia from them saying he’d hang out with her and they could go back inside.

Carson tried to tell him that wasn’t necessary, but before she could, Willy was already wandering off with Mia and she was gradually getting in better spirits being with one of her favourite guys.

Before going back inside, Auston checked in on Carson. He said how he noticed she wasn’t eating and how that did concern him which made Carson feel so guilty. She wanted to tell him everything about how she was feeling and that she suspected she may be pregnant again, but she didn’t want to get too ahead of herself. Maybe it was an illness after all and it was easy for her to go along with that.

She should’ve told him and she knew that, but she just couldn’t. The trip was about the Leafs and Carson’s nagging thoughts told her if she did mention that to Auston, she’d be making it about her. She didn’t want to do that, so she held off.

As the days went on, Carson became rather low energy and the morning sickness didn’t subside. She became more convinced that what she suspected was true and she was indeed pregnant.

It killed her not knowing, but it killed her even more that she still hadn’t communicated any of this with Auston. Carson felt terrible but was so set on waiting until they were back in Toronto to tell him. She just hadn’t found the right time, but what better time than when she and Auston are having a relaxing evening at home together?

She had to do it, she couldn’t wait any longer.

“Hey, Aus,” Carson started and lifted her head off his chest so that she could look at him as she spoke. “Can I ask you something?”

It wasn’t until Carson was facing Auston that she noticed his eyes were shut, or just how content and peaceful he was lying there with her. I instantly made her feel worse for disturbing him.

Slowly though, Auston’s eyes fluttered open and he gave Carson a tiny smile. “Of course.”

“Uh, you know what? Nevermind. It’s alright. You’re resting, we can talk about it another time.”

“Bub,” Auston said and gave his wife a pointed glance before squeezing her side, making her squirm. “I can assure you that talking isn’t going to wear me out. What’s on your mind?”

“I know,” Carson sighed. “It’s just that it’s not exactly an easy topic to discuss. Pretty serious, actually. And, I don’t know, this isn’t how I planned talking about it either.”

“Carson. You can talk to me about anything at any time.”

He then leaned forward to peck Carson’s lips, making her melt on the inside a bit, but increasing her nerves.

“I- would you ever want to have another baby one day?”

At that, Auston raised his eyebrows, indicating how that was not a question he expected so out of the blue. “I mean, you know the answer. We’ve briefly talked about more kids in the future and I love the thought, but that’s not really for me to decide. It’s your body, and I don’t know. That’s something we can decide together regardless of what I want.”

“Good answer,” Carson told him with a smile as he winked at her.

“Why? Is that something you’ve been thinking about?”

“Kind of.”

“Do you want to have another baby?” He questioned while shifting so he could sit a little more upright, still careful to not shift Carson’s position in the process, though.

“I don’t hate the thought,” Carson stated. “At all. We lucked out with our little sass queen and, god, I just love her so much. Can you imagine her being a big sister?”

“That’s crazy to think about,” Auston chuckled. “But yes, I could see it. And I mean, I grew up with siblings. I’d love for my kids to have that too.”

“Mia is just such a people person already, I could see her loving having a younger sibling. Frank probably wouldn’t mind either.”

“As long as he gets his treats and belly rubs I’m pretty sure Frank will be fine with just about anything,” Auston replied, making Carson smile. “So, yes, you would like to have more kids one day?”

“I would,” Carson told him firmly. “I just don’t know when a good time would be like Mia isn’t even two yet. What is a good time gap between having children? There’s just so many questions I have.”

“Well, I think with our current life situations, there is no such thing as a bad time to have another baby,” Auston reasoned, and Carson knew he had a good point. “But we don’t have to figure that out right now. We can just go with the flow and see what happens.”

“See that’s the thing,” Carson started and took a deep breath. “There’s a reason I wanted to ask you that question.”

“And why is that?” He asked, looking at her softly but Carson could tell he was eagerly waiting for her response. So, she took a deep breath and finally shared what had been on her mind as of late.

“I think I might be pregnant again.”

It took Auston a moment to process what Carson had just said and wrap his head around the concept entirely. When she brought up the topic of having another baby one day, he didn’t think she meant right then. But at the same time, he didn’t care because there was a possibility he might have another little bean running around soon, and he loved that thought.

“Are you serious?” He finally breathed out and noticed just how anxious Carson seemed.

“I- yeah. I haven’t been physically ill like I was when we found out I was pregnant with Mia, but I’ve had quite a bit of morning sickness. Or at least that’s what I think it is. I don’t know, I feel like there’s just something going on with my body, and I mean, there’s still the likelihood that I’m not pregnant again, but, my period is late and-.”

“Hey, you don’t have to justify yourself,” Auston spoke up when Carson began rambling. She was thankful for how well he was handling what she said, but Carson still felt overly emotional about it as she shifted away from him and started fiddling with the throw blanket that covered them as a way to keep herself from crying. However, it didn’t take long for Auston to notice what she was doing. “Babe, come here. Talk to me, please.”

Auston sat upright and moved to pull Carson close to him again. Once his arm was around her waist, though, he hesitated because he wasn’t sure if she wanted her space or not, but when she didn’t move away, he took that as a sign to continue.

“How long have you been thinking this?”

“Since we were in Sweden,” Carson blubbered. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but it wasn’t the time. And I know that wasn’t a fair decision for me to make on my own because you are my partner and you deserve to know but, I just, I just couldn’t, Auston. I know you and I know that’s all you would’ve been thinking about during that trip but I didn’t want it to be.”

“As much as I wish you told me then so you wouldn’t have to keep this all on yourself,” Auston started softly. “I’m not going to be upset with you about it, Carse. But, I can tell you’re upset. What’s got you feeling this way, beautiful? This is good news.”

“I just need to know, Auston,” Carson whispered as she turned to face him again, and he didn’t miss a beat by reaching up to wipe away the tears that were rolling down her cheeks. “I need to know if I’m pregnant so bad, but at the same time, I don’t want to.”

“What do you mean?”

Carson sighed.

“I hate not knowing why I’m feeling the way that I am. If I’m not pregnant, then what’s wrong with me? And it’s also so much more than that too. The thought of having another baby right now is terrifying. What if something happens while you’re away or I just struggle because you’re not here? Remember how stressed we were about that kind of thing with Mia? Sure it all worked out, but the thought still makes me nervous, and the timing would be completely different, seeing as it’s November. You were in the off-season for pretty much the entire first half of my pregnancy last time, I had you with me when I felt like I needed it most. I don’t know, I feel like I’m getting so worked up now, but I worry about these things, Aus.”

“I understand,” Auston nodded and looked away thoughtfully, the expression on his face changing. But Carson knew that look, he was internally blaming himself over what she had said, but she refused to let him. “I’m sorry you feel stressed about this and that I can’t always be here. I wish I could, Carson. More than anything.”

“I know you do, and that’s enough, Auston. You’re enough.”

“It doesn’t always feel like it, though. I feel like I miss so many things. Mia is growing up insanely fast, and I’m not always here for it all. Who’s to say it won’t be the same or worse when we do have another baby?”

“You’re not missing anything, though. As much as I too wish you could be here all the time, you’re doing what you love. Mia and I will always be cheering you on as you do that too. Just because you’re away sometimes doesn’t mean Mia is going to forget about you or love you any less. You know damn well how much of a daddy’s girl she is. She can’t contain her excitement when you come home from a road trip because she loves you so much. I just know that if or when we have any more kids, it’ll be the same. You’re an incredible dad, Auston. I’m so lucky to have you as my partner in all of this.”

At that, Auston smiled before shaking his head.

“I thought I was the one trying to make you feel better.”

Carson chuckled.

“That’s kinda how we work, huh? Always levelling the other out in some way.”

“Always,” he replied before leaning forward to kiss her softly again. “We just get each other like that. Which is also how I know there’s something else that’s bothering you. Come on, spill.”

“You’re very observant, Matthews,” Carson mumbled while rolling her eyes.

“Please, you find it endearing.”

“I find it annoying,” she corrected, making him scoff as she chuckled at his reaction. “I’m kidding. But yeah, I guess there is something still bothering me, but it’s kind of hard to explain.”

“Try me,” Auston replied, giving her hand an encouraging squeeze.

“It’s just, yes, there are things that make me feel uneasy about the possibility of being pregnant, but as I said earlier, I really would love to have more kids. I love thinking about Mia being a big sister one day, and the thought of growing our family together. But what if right now isn’t the time to do so? Maybe there never will be a right time.”

“I don’t think the timing is an issue,” Auston stated and began tracing over Carson’s knuckles with his thumb. “I can’t think of us having more kids being at a bad time, ever. It could be now, or it could be months or years down the road, and I’d still be happy. But only if you’re ready, of course.”

“I think I am,” Carson told him honestly. “Which is also stressing me out because I want to be pregnant again. It feels weird to say out loud, but yeah, I’m hoping that I am pregnant, however, maybe I’m not Auston. I have this gut feeling that I am, but I’m afraid I’m getting my hopes up. A lot of people struggle with getting pregnant, and we can’t assume we won’t either just because we’ve already lucked out with our little girl.”

Carson stopped and wiped away a tear she could feel that was about to break free again. Auston was quiet, but after a moment of processing what she just said, he finally spoke up again.

“You’ve been thinking about this a lot, haven’t you?”

“More than I probably should be. I just really care about it, maybe a little too much.”

“There’s no such thing as caring too much,” he responded and nudged Carson’s shoulder so she’d look at him again. “You’re just full of so much love, and that’s fine. It’s part of what makes you an amazing mother to our daughter. But, regardless, we’re in this together. Although there may be some bumps along the way, everything is going to be fine. This may be one of those bumps, but it also might be what we’re hoping for. Pregnant or not, though, we’re going to be ok, Carson. I promise.”

Carson was full-on sobbing by that point. Auston always knew what to say when she needed to get out of her head a little bit, and this situation was no exception. She wasn’t crying because she was upset or frustrated, she was just so damn emotional having conversations like this one, but so thankful to have Auston help her get through them.

Once Auston realized Carson was crying again, he was quick to pull her into his embrace and hold onto her tightly. He didn’t say anything, just let her get those emotions out while gently rubbing her back and placing soft pecks on her head. After a minute or so went by, he began reassuring her and telling her how much he loved her all without letting go. It was no wonder how, after that, Carson eventually started feeling better.

“Thank you, Auston, I needed that,” she told him as she moved away, sniffling and wiping away any stray tears.

“Of course, I’m always going to be here for you, bub. Don’t feel like you have to bottle up anything, ok? We’re a team.”

“The best one,” Carson stated before letting out a shaky breath. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” Auston replied while tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “So much. We’re going to be fine.”

“As long as we have each other.”

“Exactly,” he nodded with a smile.

Carson returned the smile before shrugging a little bit. “I don’t know how I’m going to wait until Sunday when you’re home again to take some tests and know for sure.”

“I could run to the pharmacy now and get some if you’d like,” he suggested. “Then we know. And depending on what they say, you can make an appointment with your doctor, and we can go from there.”

“Auston, I’m not going to make you go buy pregnancy tests for me,” Carson told him and shook her head.

“You’re not making me do anything, I’m offering to get them. It’ll take me no more than 20 minutes to go get some and come back. Would you feel better knowing tonight than waiting?”

“Well, yeah, but-.”

“Then I’ll do it, Carson, I’m sure I can manage to buy some pregnancy tests,” he retorted. “It’s not late, bub. It’s nothing for me to do. You stay here and relax, alright? Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. But, I won’t get the tests if you don’t want to take them.”

“No, I do,” Carson started. “I want to see what they say at least. I just didn’t want to do it alone. That’s why I figured we wait until Sunday.”

“You’re not going to be alone. I’ll go right now and we can do this together. Deal?”

Carson smiled and looked down at his extended hand, chuckling at how he was going to make her shake in agreement with this game plan. But regardless, she took his hand and shook it; feeling even more nervous and excited than before.

“Deal.”

“Perfect,” he replied then pecked her lips once again before she rolled to the side and he got out from under her. “I’ll be right back.”

Carson watched as Auston rushed out of the living room and into the foyer where he fumbled to put on his shoes and a jacket. She tried to stop herself from laughing, but it was hard not to. He was excited and it made all soft and mushy on the inside.

“I love you!”

“I love you, too,” Carson chuckled as he blew her a kiss before rushing down the hallway to the garage. He was quiet making his way to the garage, but the noise of the garage door opening was a startle and something neither of them accounted for in their excitement.

“Oh, no,” Carson whispered to herself knowing what was about to come. Soon enough, she heard a bark from upstairs. Frank wasn’t one to go crazy with barking unless he felt threatened, but it wasn’t uncommon for him to bark at noises that startled him. It also wasn’t uncommon for the garage door to do just that, which led to the sounds of shuffling and groaning of a little girl who had just accidentally been woke up.

“Daddy?” Mia’s voice sounded through the monitor, sounding so sleepy. “Mama.”

“Should’ve seen that one coming,” Carson whispered to herself as she got up off the couch and hurried upstairs to go check on Mia. When she entered Mia’s room, unsurprisingly, Mia was sat up holding Whaley in one arm and knuckling at her eyes tiredly with the opposite hand. “Hi, sweet girl.”

Mia looked at her with a pout and then let out a dramatic huff, showing quite the resemblance to her father when he gets woken up unexpectedly.

“Fwank bawked, mommy.”

“He did bark, didn’t he? And it woke you up.”

“Yeah,” Mia replied and immediately crawled onto Carson’s lap once she sat at the edge of the bed.

“Oh, honey,” Carson said while Mia slumped against her chest and let out a big yawn. She then started gently rubbing Mia’s back as a way to soothe her back to sleep. “Why don’t we lay back down, baby? I’ll stay with you.”

“Daddy comin’?” Mia asked, not moving from her spot and letting out a sigh of contentment as Carson started playing with her curls.

“Daddy just ran to the store real quick, but he’ll be back soon. Now let’s lay back down.”

“I see him.”

“Mia,” Carson started to reason, but stopped when Mia leaned back to look up at her with those big brown eyes that were her absolute weakness. Something both Mia and Auston tended to use to their advantage. “You want to go downstairs and wait for your daddy to get home, don’t you?”

Mia just blinked in response, then giggled.

“You are your father’s daughter.”

And with that, Carson got up off the bed and carried Mia and Whaley downstairs to the living room, with Frank in tow, of course. The two girls got curled up on the couch together and Carson put on the sleepytime episode of Bluey for them to watch while they waited for Auston. Normally, Carson and Auston tried to refrain from screens when it was bedtime for Mia, but there were sometimes exceptions and this night was one of them.

Realistically, it was only 8:30pm, which was around Mia’s usual bedtime. Again, with the time change from travelling to Sweden, Mia’s bedtime routine had been off since getting home. She fell asleep almost right after dinner, hardly making it through bathtime then absolutely crashing shortly after 6:30pm. Carson knew Mia be up for a little while, but given how tired Mia was, there was no way she’d be up for very long once Auston was home.

Carson began gently scratching Mia’s head with her manicured nails, something she knew Mia loved. It was obvious Mia was content with the little sigh that left her mouth as she cuddled closer to her mom, eyes still fixated on the TV. Carson smiled as she looked down at Mia, then suddenly felt herself getting emotional over the thought of her sweet little girl potentially being a big sister. The thought hit Carson like a tidal wave and she started feeling all types of things, however, something kept her from getting too deep into her thoughts.

A door opened and closed from the kitchen and soft footsteps soon followed. It was too soon for Auston to be home yet and the only door in the kitchen that wasn’t the sliding glass ones leading to the back deck was the one that led to the basement. So there was only one other person it could be.

“Hey,” Matthew greeted as stepped into the living room. His hair was damp, indicating he showered recently and he too was dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. A common attire in the Matthews household. “Heard some commotion up here, just figured I’d come up and check to make sure everything’s ok.”

“Oh, shoot, I’m sorry if we were loud,” Carson said and sniffled, internally cursing herself for not realizing she started crying. But, she tried playing it off. “Auston just ran to the store to get something for me and, well, little miss over here woke up in the process.”

“Matty!” Mia greeted as excitedly as her tired little self could.

“Hi, Mia,” Matthew chuckled then stepped into the living room and in front of the couch so he could crouch down to pet Frank but also be at eye level with Mia. “Are you giving your mom a tough time about going back to sleep?”

“Nooooo,” Mia giggled. “Daddy home soon.”

“Ah, yes, everything is about Daddy,” Carson teased, making Matthew laugh as he glanced at her, his expression falling when he noticed she had tears in her eyes.

“Carson, are you alright?” He asked, concern written all over his features.

“I’m fine!” Carson assured and quickly wiped away the tears welled in her eyes before Mia noticed. Matthew picked up on what she was doing, trying to conceal her tears from Mia. So, he didn’t press it but he gave her a pointed look as he moved from his crouching position and onto the couch on the other side of Mia. “I promise. You don’t have to worry about me, but thank you for checking in.”

Carson gave him a genuine smile. Matthew was so sweet and considerate, she truly loved having him stay with them. She’d gotten to know him a lot better in Arizona during the summer as he trained with Auston. He was a great fit in their household and Mia adored him.

“Carson-.”

“It’s nothing bad, Matty. Just got a lot on my mind.”

“Auston would not be happy knowing you’re upset.”

“I know, and that’s why we don’t need to tell him,” Carson responded and looked at him with a wide-eyed expression, silently pleading that this stayed between them.

Matthew let out a breath of defeat, then nodded. He seemed like he was going to drop it but still wanted to say something. However, before he could, the garage door opening sounded and they both knew Auston was home.

“Daddy!” Mia said quietly, but excitedly. She didn’t move from her spot, though, because she knew she didn’t have to. Auston would come to her.

Even Frank knew what that noise meant and didn’t bark this time, instead, he got up and trotted out of the living room, assumedly headed down the hallway to the door that led to the garage. A moment later, that same door opened and closed.

“Oh, hi Frank,” Auston greeted quietly and Carson could picture him taking time to pet their Goldendoodle before coming further into the house. “What’re you doing down here, hmm? I thought you were upstairs with Mia. Let’s go find Carson.”

Carson smiled listening to him, then glanced down at Mia, who was still focused on her show.

“He’s gonna be in for a surprise when he sees you awake, little girl,” Carson whispered as she gently pushed Mia’s curls back away from her face, then leaned down to peck the top of her head.

She and Matthew then glanced at each other while they listened to Auston’s footsteps approach, then he soon appeared.

“Carse, I wasn’t sure which one to get so I got multiple,” Auston stated as he walked into the room holding three different pregnancy test boxes, but halted once he noticed it wasn’t just his wife in the living room anymore. Carson’s hands immediately covered her face in embarrassment at the boxes he was waving around. “Woah.”

“Hi, dada,” Mia greeted all smiley as she leaned forward so she could see him.

“Hi, baby girl. And what are you doing up?”

Mia just giggled in response while Carson peaked between her fingers to watch the scene unfold. Auston looked so puzzled at Mia being awake, then a flash of surprise when he saw it wasn’t just his girls and Matthew was there too.

“Clear Blue,” he mouthed, squinting at one of the boxes Auston held before his eyes widened in realization. “Oh, OH! Wait, are you two?”

Carson felt her face going so red, then groaned as she flopped back against the couch, earning a questioning glance from Mia.

“We don’t know,” Carson said eventually. “I, I think so, yeah. But we’re not sure. That’s why Auston ran to the store to get some tests, so we could know.”

“Yeah, surprise, I guess,” Auston spoke up then made a face that resembled the grimacing face emoji. Then his eyes fell on Mia again and he looked like he was pondering something. “Did I wake her up?”

“The garage,” Auston, Carson and Matthew said simultaneously as Auston put all the pieces together.

“Gawage,” Mia repeated as she leaned back against the couch again and let out another big yawn, still unbothered. Carson couldn’t help the smile tugging at her lips as she looked down at Mia again, but soon her gaze was back on Auston.

“You got three different tests?”

“I got five different tests, actually,” he replied, putting the three boxes he held in one hand before reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out two more. He then took off his jacket and hung it up before making his way around the couch and sitting next to Carson.“There were so many different brands and types. I kinda decided just to wing it and hope for the best.”

Carson’s heart swelled with so much love for the man sitting before her. She could feel her eyes beginning to water again, but she played it off as she let out a small laugh and shook her head.

“Thank you,” she told him softly as they made eye contact again. “I appreciate you going to get those for me.”

“Of course. Anything for you, bub. You know I don’t mind.”

Carson smiled again, but then her attention snapped back to Mia as she let out a groan then laid her head on the pillow next to her and snuggled Whaley closer to her. Carson and Auston then looked at each other and chuckled, they were thinking the same thing about their dramatic toddler.

“We need to get her back to sleep,” Carson stated and Auston nodded in agreement.

“For our sanity and hers, yes,” he replied, leaning over to tap Mia’s arm. “Mini, why don’t we go back upstairs to bed?”

“Bwuey, daddy,” Mia said as she shook her head and pointed to the TV. Her episode of Bluey was still on and she was determined to finish watching it. “Mommy cuddow?”

Carson and Auston glanced at each other again and considered their options regarding Mia being awake and Carson somehow sneaking away to drink some water and then take the pregnancy tests, despite Mia wanting her to lay down and cuddle with her.

“Maybe we should wait till morning, Aus,” Carson sighed and glanced down at the boxes. “I don’t think it’s the right time.”

Auston nodded in understanding and went to respond, but another voice spoke up before he could.

“Mia, can I watch Bluey with you?” Matthew asked as he scooted toward her.

Mia’s face lit up at the idea and she soon sat back up and moved the pillow away before patting the now-empty space so he’d sit there. “Yeah, Matty!”

Matthew smiled as he got situated in the spot next to her and Mia wasn’t long in leaning against him and letting out a sigh of contentment as she looked back at the TV. Matthew then looked at Carson and Auston and spoke up again.

“You two go do what you need to do, together. I’ll hang with Mia until you’re done, but take your time.” Then he lowered his voice into a whisper that only they would hear. “Maybe she’ll fall back asleep.”

Carson truly appreciated the offer, but she didn’t want Matthew to feel like he had to babysit. It wasn’t the first time he’d watched Mia for them since moving in. He hung out with Mia often if he didn’t have anything else going on and the two had a great relationship. He’d even talked to Carson and Auston about wanting to introduce his girlfriend to them but especially Mia when she came for a visit in the new year. But, still, Carson didn’t want him to feel like watching Mia was a trade-off for them letting him stay there or anything of the sort.

She was about to tell him he didn’t need to do that, but Auston squeezing her knee in reassurance prevented her from doing so.

“That’d be really helpful,” Auston stated, then stood up from the couch. “If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Matthew assured them with a smile.

Auston nodded in thanks then looked down at Carson and smirked. “Come on, you.”

Carson looked up at him and shook her head slightly before standing up as well. She didn’t say anything as she took two of the pregnancy tests from Auston’s right hand and placed her left hand there instead, squeezing his hand before looking back at Matthew.

“Thank you,” she said, then looked back at Auston with and a small smile. “Lead the way.”

No questions came from Mia as her parents made their way around the couch and out of the living room. With how she was fighting so hard to keep her eyes open, they didn’t expect her to put up much of a fuss about them leaving.

Before going upstairs, Carson and Auston stopped in the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for Carson to drink before she took the tests. Then they headed up to their master bedroom together.

They sat on the bed together, chatting about how their lives could change depending on what those tests said while Carson sipped her water. Despite still feeling anxious, talking it all through with Auston made Carson feel a lot better and she was able to fully admit how she was hoping for a positive result on the tests.

About twenty minutes after Carson finished her water, she was ready to head into the ensuite with the tests and see what they said.

“I’ll be right here,” Auston told Carson as he gently tipped her chin up to look at him before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on her lips. He knew she wanted her space as she took the tests.

“I’ll come get you once I’m done and we can look at them together,” Carson responded then pecked his lips again before standing up off the bed. She then took a deep breath, then headed into the ensuite and did what she needed to do.

About ten minutes later, Carson left the bathroom with her phone in hand and a timer set. She remained quiet as she entered the bedroom and crawled into the spot beside where Auston was leaning against the headboard on their bed. He didn’t say anything, just pulled Carson closer and let her cuddle into his side, knowing all that needed to be said would happen in the next few minutes or so. He watched as she kept tapping her phone screen to life, anxiously counting down the seconds to when the two of them could go see what each of the tests said.

Carson was content just laying there with the love of her life that after a few moments, she did stop constantly checking the timer on her phone and just enjoyed being with him. She wasn’t sure how much time passed and could feel herself dozing off with how comfortable she was, but then the alarm went off.

They both jumped slightly and Carson scrambled to cancel the alarm so the noise would subside, then took a deep breath and looked up at Auston.

“Ready?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Carson spoke quietly. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

The two of them got off the bed and headed to the ensuite hand in hand.

Carson had left the door open so they could easily see the four tests she took sitting where she lined them up and upon seeing them again, she felt a familiar anxious knot form in her stomach. She saved the fifth one on purpose for if she needed further confirmation of whether she was indeed pregnant or not, and after one final glance at Auston, she stepped into the room first to see what each one said.

After glancing down at the first test, Carson’s heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. There was no plus or minus symbol, no message on the tiny screen indicating what she wanted to know so badly, no nothing. Without even thinking, she reached out and grabbed Auston’s hand, hoping for some reassurance because she could already feel her hope slipping away, but then he spoke up.

“Bub, look at the other three.”

So, she did, and sure enough, each one stated that yes, she was pregnant.

“Oh, my God,” Carson gasped as a sob involuntarily left her mouth. She immediately moved a hand up to cover her mouth and looked at Auston with watery eyes before he pulled her in for a tight hug. “We’re having another baby. I- oh, my God.”

Carson was full-on sobbing while Auston chuckled at her words before moving away so that he could put both hands gently on the sides of her neck and kiss her. He had happy tears in his eyes.

“Everything’s going to be ok,” he promised then placed his forehead against hers. “We’re going to be parents again, Carse.”

“I’ve never been a mom of two before,” Carson blubbered, then let Auston pull her into his embrace again.

“I know, bub,” Auston soothed while rubbing his hand up and down her back. “But, we’re going to figure it out. We always do.”

Carson couldn’t tell with how her face was buried against the fabric of the hoodie Auston wore, but he was smiling so damn wide. He was ecstatic and instinctively wanted to know more. How far along was she? When would the doctor predict her due date would be? And most importantly, was the baby healthy?

Auston had so many questions, but he was aware that it wasn’t the time to ask them. He knew this was going to be hers and his little secret for the time being. Although he was content with that, he was just so excited and couldn’t wait to see how the rest would all play out.

The two of them stood there for a moment, relishing in the news and not letting go of one another. Eventually, Carson moved away and Auston gently cupped her cheeks, looking at her with so much love and adoration before they both laughed at how emotional they were being.

“I love you, Auston Matthews,” Carson stated firmly, acting as if he’d ever forget.

“And I love you, Carson,” he replied. “I love that we can make it through anything in this life together.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t you dare say that.”

Carson didn’t argue, instead just wrapped her arms around Auston’s middle and crashed against his chest again. Auston started playing with her hair and the two stood there in silence for a few moments before they heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Mia,” they said in unison as they leaned away and looked at each other with wide eyes, suddenly remembering Matthew was watching her. The two of them moved away from the other and Auston followed Carson as she beelined out of the bathroom, through their bedroom and into the hallway before stopping.

At the other end of the hall, Matthew rounded the corner holding Whaley and a very asleep Mia in his arms. Frank was right there too.

“Oh, hey,” he greeted and came to a stop once he noticed Carson and Auston standing there. “She passed out about fifteen minutes ago so I figured I’d bring her up to bed. You two alright?”

Matthew wasn’t prying, just asking a genuine question to two people he cared for, which Carson and Auston knew. The two of them glanced at each other and then smiled when they realized they were thinking the same thing about sharing the news with him.

“Yeah, we’re alright,” Carson assured as she and Auston looked back at Matthew, then she took a breath. “But, there’s going to be a new addition to the house sometime between now and next season.”

“No way,” Matthew smiled widely. “That’s amazing. Congratulations, you two!”

“Thanks, man,” Auston said, smiling too as he walked towards Matthew and took Mia from his hold. “Here, I got her.”

Matthew gently passed Mia over, making sure she didn’t get woken up and smiled as she nuzzled closer to her dad even in her sleep. Then he glanced between Auston and Carson.

“Wait, I’m the only other person who knows, aren’t I?”

“You’re part of this household, so it seems fitting that you are,” Carson told him with a grin. “We’ll figure out how to tell our families and friends after I see my doctor and figure out all the details. Then we’ll go from there about everyone else knowing.”

She was referring to the media and fans as everyone else. Matthew knew that and respected the privacy they understandably would want during a time like this.

“Your secret is safe with me,” he promised.

“Hope you’re prepared for the absolute fit Mitch is going to have knowing that you knew before he did,” Auston said to Matthew, making all three adults laugh.

“I’ve been telling him being Carson’s twin has nothing on me being the one living in your guys’ basement!”

“Oh, I can imagine he takes that statement very personally,” Carson chuckled and shook her head. After a brief moment, Matthew spoke up again.

“Well, I’ll let you two enjoy the rest of your night together,” he said and handed Auston Whaley as well. “Congrats again. Tone, what time are we heading out for practice in the morning?”

“Probably around 10,” Auston told him.

“Sounds good.”

“I’ll have breakfast ready before you go,” Carson chimed in. “Let me know if there’s anything particular you’d like.”

“You know I’m not going to complain about any of the food you cook me, Carse,” Matthew told her. “It’s always so good.”

“Kiss ass,” Auston teased, earning a scowl from Matthew and an eye roll from Carson.

“Have a good night, Matty. Thanks again for watching Mia,” Carson said and Matthew assured them it was no problem before heading back downstairs.

“You go get ready for bed,” Auston spoke up again. “I’ll put Mia in her bed then I’ll be right there.”

“Ok, sounds like a plan.”

Auston then dipped out of sight and into Mia’s room and Carson was about to go back into their bedroom, but stopped herself when she remembered they’d left lights and the TV on downstairs.

She scurried past Mia’s room to the top of the stairs but didn’t have to go down them when she heard Matthew walking around the main level. She could tell that he was turning all the lights off before going back downstairs for the night and smiled at the thoughtful action.

Without having to go downstairs, Carson made her way back to the master bedroom. Once inside, she changed into a pair of silky pyjamas, then went into the ensuite to brush her teeth. She couldn’t help the tears that pricked her eyes or the smile on her lips as she glanced down at the positive pregnancy tests. Everything felt right in her world.

Auston entered the room just as she was finishing brushing her teeth and placed a kiss on the top of her head before he started doing the same. Carson squeezed Auston’s arm as they looked at each other in the mirror before going back into the bedroom and climbing into their bed to wait for him there.

Soon, Auston was getting into their bed as well and pulled Carson close. He held her, gently playing with her hair as they talked about the future and what this new addition to their family meant. Carson was eventually lulled to sleep by how relaxed Auston’s touches made her feel and Auston wasn’t long to do the same, welcoming a peaceful sleep as he anticipated everything that was to come.

[ntls-24722]

Hey so... Have you thought much about how disability is treated in your various societies? Like with the Debus and stuff? I've been thinking about it for a little bit and got curious 👀

Yes actually!

For disabilities involving mobility, I had sketched out some really clunky ideas for a Debu crutch and some accessibility for their mountain cave-dwellings awhile ago, so I revamped them! The crutch was specifically made for the situation where, say you have an arm compromised, but it's an inconvenient arm like a back or front arm that's mostly tasked for stability, so your balance is off. So there would be a crutch/walker for that, where you could bring support to the back or front and balance yourself better. And for their cliff dwellings, there could be these adobe-rock torons to help climb up with your arms and your mouth. Ideally, a settlement would have terraces up to your residents, but that takes awhile, so torons and pulleys could be an option. (I got inspired by the Great Mosque of Djenne for the torons)

Then there's wheelchairs!

So, just a disclaimer, some of these wheelchair designs might not be around at the time that homo mousike is set in, homo mousike is set around when history just began and as you can imagine, technology isn't really that far yet (the first self-propelled wheelchair was invented 1655)

The bottom design was my first design before i realized, "hey, don't... dogs... have wheelchairs... why don't I just do it like that." The first/top design was my second try which eliminates most of the problems with the first, the main one being: Debu are really goddamn heavy. REALLY heavy. So heavy, in fact, that they can't actually lay down for long periods of time, because their own weight will cut off their blood circulation and get pressure wounds. It's why Debu caves are filled to the brim with bedding so they can lay down for longer - and why my first try at a debu wheelchair was less a wheelchair but a bed on wheels. I guess it's still viable and its design feels/looks more vintage to the point I think that this might become the OG Debu wheelchair that would've been present around now.

Then there's blindness and deafness. Blindness is actually much better to have in Debu society??? Debu are actually not that great at seeing in the first place - their eyes are uniquely sensitive to color, but not to sharpness. And besides, Debu dwellings are in complete darkness except for one room. And because of the fact they live in complete darkness, Debu are historically inclined towards tactile language rather than sign language, which is a mode that deaf and non-deaf individuals alike usually communicate through. Written language is actually equally tactile in some cultures, with valley debu writing stories with beads that can be read by being felt, or read "aloud" by dragging the hoof across the text.

I also find it cool that alphabet letters are physical objects so you can go and buy a bunch of A beads. Defeated teacher at the store, buying a lot of C's and D's after a spelling test

Now onto zebramen.

When it comes to mobile disabilities, interestingly... you'd have a lot less problems in zebraman society out of all of them, which is ironic considering they're constantly on the run.

Before I go into that, I have to describe zebraman society: Instead of civilization forming once populations began to settle down into one place permanently and grow their food, zebraman civilization began when they left sedentary settlements to herd animals, leaving behind the seeds of swaths of crops months in advance in order to harvest them during circular trips around their massive, plains territories. Zebramen are similar to humans where they're able to run for very long periods of time, and they use this less to be persistence hunters but to guide their massive herds along "crop stops" that both they and their herd gather and eat from. They do run along their herds on foot, but those are generally zebramen with the specific job for doing so.

When it comes to the rest of zebramen, they practically live in their carriages, drawn by cloe-mena. They're not particularly fast, but they're really damn strong. As a mountain cow, they were originally built for hoisting themselves up mountains and are perfect picks for drawing carriages for one or two zebramen - or a massive brigade carrying an entire community.

That is all to say that since zebramen spend most of their time riding in their carriages, not being able to walk isn't too much of a damper. Zebramen are, still currently in their ancient Sumer-adjacent technological era though, so they might instead have a wheelbarrow, or smaller wagon with a service animal that they ride instead of a wheelchair since those might still not be widely made/widely available. There may be a cultural result to this where people in wheelchairs are seen as wise and down to earth, the same way we see people with glasses as smart, since they'd have a closer relationship with animals, which is a big ideal in zebramen.

But in the future, Zebramen's wheelchairs would end up looking really similar to ours, except there's more footrests in the front to accommodate their frontmost and middle legs, a cutout in the back to rest the back legs, and the lack of an armrest. Zebrapeople naturally keep their arms in a mantis posture, so having an armrest would just get in the way of trying to propel themselves.

Zebrapeople have generally the same crutches as us, too.

Zebrapeople are inclined towards sign since they're more visually oriented than Debu, so that's another similarity between us, but also because their fingers are stupid flexible and weird freaky cool signs are able to be made. Zebrapeople have the benefit of their sign languages being less species-exclusive between them, since zebraelves and zebramen have the same hands and much of the same languages, they get to share the same sign languages.

Zebrapeople do struggle with written language for the blind though, since paper's a very recent and very popular invention that has yet to find itself a widely used tactile way to read its text. The ones currently around similar to moon type where letters are instead raised curves and angled lines.

So onto what zebraelves have different for mobility impairments!

So, the zebraelf wheelchair might be a little different. Their butts are at an angle, which is why they can seamlessly go from octopodal to hexapodal, so they sit as if they're leaned forward. And that gave me an idea because this was the first self-propelled wheelchair invented by Stephan Farffler when he was 22 and this fucks severely.

That's COOL. This is COOL. And it's the same principle that bikes were improved with, so thank him, every cyclist ever

But, I kind of get why this didn't completely stick around. You kind of have to reach forward for this, which you might not be able to do. You see where I'm going with this?

Zebraelves live in trees though, carts like this are primarily for walking on ground. Yet, I would argue this only makes things better for disabled zebraelves because zebraelves are also really good at living in trees.

Their bodies are small and compact, and their bodies are adapted for both walking and swinging/generally hanging on and across branches. Having monkey bars on just about everything is used by everyone. Even if you're without the use of arms, your legs are morphologically the same as your arms, and you're free to use those, too. When you can't use either, there's still pulley systems to help you to get places.

And to answer your other ask, happy disability pride month!

[loquaciousquark]

Finished the Astarion origin run, got my Honour mode achievement, and have enabled my gold dice.

That said, and despite some very funny things that happened over the course of the run, I really did not enjoy playing as Astarion and don't think I'll be running any other origins anytime soon.

It didn't just feel like I wasn't playing with Tav, it hardly felt like I was playing with Astarion. As a companion he's richly developed, with a beautifully crafted arc and frequent colorful commentary and viciously strong opinions on just about everything Tav does. He grows and changes based on the events of the game and reacts to moments of doubt with fear or courage, depending on where in the plot you are.

Origin Astarion is almost as much a blank slate as Tav, with nearly all of that wonderful color stripped out. Aside from a handful of unique scenes (most notably a nightmare in Act 1 leading into the first bite), everything else happens exactly as it does to Tav, and there's no little voice in the back of your head informing your characterization. No notes on the Araj encounter like, "You fear being touched. Even now it brings up a sense of fear, loathing. Is it worth it to sacrifice your body, to bite this drow, for a potion?" No clear suggestions during your romance that you might have hangups about having spent two hundred years using your body to lure people to their deaths over and over, nothing suggesting outright that you might have some hesitation to engage in sex. Just a dialogue option here and there, one of four, that allows for that choice, if you choose to even think about it in the first place.

Even worse, things like the drow scene--which, in a Tav run, is a moment of great fear and uncertainty for him transformed into a moment of defiance & strength, a pivotal point in his characterization--has been revamped, if you'll pardon the pun. Araj is deferent and polite to origin Astarion, not assumptive and proprietary. She formally requests the bite and is gracious when you say no, and in-universe I couldn't find a single reason for him to be offended or to decline. You don't even find out her blood smells/tastes bad until you bite her; there's no forewarning, no choice, no crisis of exchanging your body for power. No companion steps in and says "you don't have to do this if you don't want to." Tav isn't there to support his first "no" in two hundred years. It's just a transactional offer, no harm no foul, and all the weight of it is yanked away.

It really felt like there was no guidance. All the strong opinions that made Astarion Astarion had been stripped out, and you really could shape him however you wanted, without much input from the narrator or his own history.

I tried my best to stay true to what I thought Astarion would do in each moment, and it turns out without someone (Tav or anyone) checking in on him and occasionally holding him back, he became this hedonistic possessive creature who slept with everyone and loved no one at all, not even himself. Tav wasn't around to make him feel safe, so he took power until he made himself safe. Tav wasn't around to suggest sex could be anything but physical, so he engaged in its physical transaction whenever he could to make sure he had everyone as hooked as possible. It didn't matter the trail of hurt people he left behind him. Nobody bothered to tell him he didn't have to sell his body for a potion. Nobody bothered to tell him they wanted to be with him with or without sex, and after two hundred years, old habits died hard.

Lae'zel - slept with immediately, but after the bruised "everything hurts" feeling the morning after, he decided not to pursue it. Successfully persuaded her to stick around after siding with the Emperor and letting him assimilate Orpheus, not because he really cared if she stayed but because he didn't want to have to expend the energy to fight her.

Gale - had sex with him in the Weave, then broke up with him. He became the God of Ambition at Astarion's encouragement. Probably the most hurt by Astarion's inability to love. As delighted as Astarion was by Gale conjuring up towers and libraries for him, I think for all Astarion's sexual experience he wasn't able to get his footing in the Weave, especially when Gale started growing extra arms and heads. He was put off enough by not having control of the sex that he never wanted to repeat it, and Gale was totally heartbroken.

Wyll - danced with him and kissed him, but broke up with him immediately when he stated he preferred a long courtship & old-fashioned romance. Encouraged Wyll to take as much power as possible, leading to him becoming Grand Duke.

Karlach - flirted with her the whole first and second acts, and for a long time I thought having to actually get to know her as a person and remember her likes & dislikes--actual facts about her outside of her sexual preferences--might finally teach Astarion how to let someone into his heart. Except then, thanks to a series of unfortunate cutscene priorities in late Act 2, other people's romances came first all in a row, and by the time Karlach's night finally triggered, he'd already made his way through Gale, Wyll, and two very tense scenes with Tavish-Emperor, and he'd hardened his heart again after hurting all three of them. Karlach ended up being endgame romance in that he went to Avernus with her, but I don't think he felt anything more than a possessive affection for her by the end. The dialogue option I picked even reflected that; it wasn't the "I know you're afraid to be alone, and this time it'll be different because I'll be with you" choice, it was the "I refuse to allow you to die. Get up and let's go" choice. Unfortunate.

Tavish-Emperor - slept with, and sided with in the final battle. She assimilated Orpheus and ran off into the city, so Lae'zel didn't even get her dragons.

Halsin - slept with regularly, much to Karlach's unhappiness. No real affection here, just a release of tension and I think a very selfish assurance to himself that Karlach didn't "own" him just because she loved him, that he was still free to do whatever he wanted.

Minthara - propositioned him, but because saying yes would have permanent consequences with Karlach, he declined. Again, not because he really cared about hurting Karlach at this point, but because it would get too messy and dramatic afterwards if he didn't.

Shadowheart - did not engage with romantically and ended up catty BFFs, which I honestly found such a relief. She saved Nightsong (mostly because Astarion couldn't be bothered to intervene) and moted her parents. :(

This Astarion also ascended, because that's what his search for power culminated in, and again, there was no one saying "my guy, I love you for who you are right now. You don't have to do this. Not because it would be sad to kill all those people, but because I'd be sad if you became something else." I hated that cutscene the first time I recorded it for the Astarion Supercut and I hated watching it again now as the Astarion origin. I won't be letting that happen again.

Anyway. I know I was in control of the character and could have made different choices, but I was really trying to play him as I thought he would react in those moments, and I didn't care for the outcome at all. I felt like I'd lost almost two whole characters this run, and even with as much as I really like Minthara, I'll be going back to my tried and true (and very much missed) Tavish as a palate cleanser in the next few days.

[ellesliterarycorner]

Writing a Retelling

I used to not like reading or writing retellings, but I actually think that writing a retelling might be on my bingo card for 2023, so I decided to do some research on writing them and share it with y’all! I think the reason I used to dislike retellings was because they can go SO wrong, and they are really hard to write. But, the more I’ve looked into this, I’ve decided writing retellings is actually a really good exercise for writers. The world’s been around for so long that there are no completely new plots, and taking the essentials plots of one story and turning them into something new is a great exercise in the basics of plotting and understanding the nature of characters. 

Back to the OG

Read the original story! That might seem like an obvious thing, but sometimes it doesn’t feel every author remembers to do this. If it’s a story you haven’t read since you were little, don’t rely on your memory, especially if its a story with a lot of different remakes. Are you writing a retelling of the Disney movie Cinderella or the original Greek folk tale? Spoiler alert, they are not the same. You can write a retelling of either, but you do need to decide early on which one you are doing and stay consistent to it. I also think rereading the original story will remind you why you decided to write a retelling. Something about the story you loved so much you wanted to bring to a new audience or maybe something that felt unfinished or unanswered, and you just had to finish it and find the answered. 

Notes, Notes, Notes

I love taking notes, and I think that especially when writing a retelling copious notes are your best friend. Unfortunately, you aren’t going to be able to fit everything into your retelling, but writing notes on the most important things in the original story will help you have a guiding light and keep you organized. I would definitely recommend that you make a list of characters and their roles in the story. Are you keeping the same protagonist? Do you want to write from the antagonists point of view? Or give a side character their time to shine? I would also make a list of all of the settings in the story. Decide whether or not you’re keeping the same setting or revamping it for your story. Finally, make a list of all the major plot points. You’ll probably add more plot points into your story, but making sure that you know and understand the major plot points in the original story will help you as you’re writing. 

Inspired By or Retelling?

This may just be a personal nit-picky, schematic thing, but imo, a book can be inspired by something without being a retelling. Point and case being my favorite book to bash: A Court of Thorns and Roses. People have stopped leaning on this as much as they used too (mostly because ACOTAR has been rebranded as adult), but when it first came out ACOTAR was very much marketed as a Beauty and the Beast retelling. Me personally, I did not realize it was supposed to be a retelling until one of my friends told me after I had read it. Now, that either means that I have a poor level of reading comprehension or that the book is not a very good retelling. Obviously, I don’t like one of those answers, so let us presume that ACOTAR is not a very good retelling. I would say agree that elements of it are inspired by Beauty and the Beast, but I do not think that it is a retelling. SJM fails to keep many of the major themes and motifs of Beauty and the Beast which I think are necessary elements to qualify under the label retelling. 

But What’s the Twist???

Don’t be afraid to take risks and try new things when you write a retelling! Just because you’re writing a retelling doesn’t mean that you aren’t writing a story in your voice and your style of writing. Stay true to yourself, so long as you treat the original story with respect. A lot of retellings either give the story a new protagonist, a new setting, or set the story in a completely different genre. To get yourself going here are are a few questions to ask yourself after you’ve finished rereading the original story help you figure out what the twist of your retelling is going to be. 

Which of these characters do you feel curious about?

Which of these characters is the most hated / misunderstood?

Which of these characters could have the most interesting growth / character transformation through the course of this story?

How would this setting affect the protagonist and the other main characters? 

How would this setting affect the major conflict of the story?

How would this setting affect the themes of the original story? 

Which themes would be preserved and which themes would no longer feel relevant?

Elle’s Retelling Recommendations

And of course, I had to end this with a few retellings recommendations! Reading other retellings and seeing what other authors did well or not well is a great way to sharpen your own skills. 

Daughters of Sparta by Claire Heywood

I actually really liked this book, but I think its because even though I like Greek mythology, I admittedly am not the most knowledgable on the subject. I know the basics of Greek mythology, but unless something was blatantly wrong, I wouldn’t be able to tell. Apparently, this book had a lot of important Greek mythology plot points missing, but I thought it told the stories of Helen and Klytemnestra very well!

Circe and The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller 

I first read Circe for school, but I went back and read it a year or two ago. I vastly prefer Circe to Song of Achilles as I didn’t really like SoA all that much, but both are definitely retelling masterclasses. Madeline Miller is definitely the Queen of Greek mythology retellings.

Beautiful Little Fools by Jillian Cantor 

This is one of my favorite books ever! I loved the Great Gatsby, and I am a Daisy Buchanan apologist. I love that this book fleshes out all of the female characters from the Great Gatsby, gives them proper back stories and answers one of the biggest questions from the original novel. 

Starcrossed by Josephine Angelini

This book is not the best book, and I only recommend it because it is in my opinion how not to do a retelling or even an inspired by book. My friend group was obsessed with this book in middle school, and the best way I can describe it is if Percy Jackson and Twilight had a baby. Take that as you will. 

[lost-technology]

Hello, fellow Trigun fan who's way older than me! So you're a Trigun fan since the early 2000s, what was it like back then?

From what I can remember of it, just as weird as it is now. I can remember it being slightly less sexualized? There was plenty of horny-obsession with the characters then, but it seemed like there was a little more room for general stuff. Vash x Meryl and Wolfwood x Milly were more popular ships then than they are now. Vash x Wolfwood was wildly popular (all the yaoi / slash ships were, Vash with Wolfwood, Vash with Knives, Knives with Legato), but there was more attention on the het ships, as well. The het ships were actually as popular as the slash ships. When all we had was the '98 anime, but invested fans knew of the manga, there were a few people who had access to the manga who could read Japanese who would do their own scans and translations of various...and dubious quality. We waited for bits and pieces with bated breath, but never knew how wonky the translations were or how much of a personal bias toward their own fan-theories / ships /whatnot any given translator was putting into their uploaded scans. This continued on even after Dark Horse translated and printed the manga officially in English, because those of us who were collecting the print-manga were still looking up scans to see the rest of the story that hadn't come out of Japan yet. It was a time before the social media giants we know today, so fandom was on message boards, BBS boards and forums dedicated either to general anime or to Trigun in particular. There were also fan-groups on places like Livejournal. I remember being a part of a Livejournal called "100 Bullets," which was for "drabbles" - fanfiction of exactly 100 words. People would throw out prompts and writers were challenged to create little 100 word fics from it. There is a such thing called a "double drabble," which was 200 words, but "100 Bullets" confined things to 100 (no more, no less) as a challenge. I see the young 'uns (in all fandoms) throwing out the word "drabble" to just mean short fic and then writing something that's 700 words or so and I am just inwardly screaming "No! This is NOT how that works! This not how that works at all!" On a board I went to, Trinut, we had a little writing contest to make up our own ending for the manga before the ending came out. I wrote a story that I still kind of like (over on fanfiction.net) where Vash and Knives killed each other and the area of their last battle was haunted by their ghosts / energy. I might bring that one over to Ao3 someday... That kind of thing was pretty much how we expected it all to end. Some people were actually ANGRY that the manga got a happy-ish ending. There was one jagoff and his friends who created a BBS that got popular because he had "inside information from a friend in Japan" that Trigun was getting a revamped series like Hellsing Ultimate that was going to fit more with the manga (this was back in 2009 or so). People followed him for information. His handle was MillionsLivio if I am recalling correctly. He was rude and stuck up and not many people on Trinut or other boards liked him at all, but loads of people flocked to his board (I forget the original name of it, but it eventually shifted to all-anime and rebranded as Blue Panda). I joined it briefly because a friend wanted to do a roleplay and preferred me as a Vash-roleplayer over their resident one. I quickly quit after I realized that MillionsLivio's ACTUAL NAZI RHETORIC and racism WEREN'T him doing a fake "early 2000s Internets' edgy" persona, but were his actual viewpoints - shared by his core circle of friends. Like I said, I couldn't stand the guy, but a lot of people thought that people like that were faking it just to get a rise out of people, you know, reddit-troll types. In hindsight, here in 2023, we know by know that all of those edgelords were...the real thing. Yes, I met an early alt-righter in Trigun fandom of all places. (At least he actually hated Vash. He was a Knives and Livio fan, but you know, I don't understand how anyone could like Trigun at all and be... like that). The world is weird.

[ownworldresident]

Side by Side Chapter 2: The Agreement

The revamp of a long-ago series because I wrote myself into a corner

Book: The Royal Romance.

Premise: With new additions to their family, King Liam and Rayne must re-evaluate their relationship dynamic.

Themes: Found family, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, family.

Word Count: 3.2k per chapter, 18 chapters. About 60k.

Note: This story started just after TRR3 ended, and has no association with TRH. Master Masterlist Link

Rayne

"Liam," Rayne croaked as she opened her eyes, squinting in the low light, then registering her surroundings.

"Right here, love." The voice she had so craved answered softly, and she turned her head to see him seated in a chair beside her, smiling, holding something small against his chest.

Her breath caught. "Liam, is… is that…"

His smile grew, and he stood. "Your daughter," he said. Then, as she held her breath, he adjusted the bed so she sat up a little, and placed the bundle carefully in her arms, against her chest.

Then, for the first time, she met the eyes of her newborn child. Rayne breathed a small 'oh' as her heart grew to form the place for her children. She thought she had known love, she had been wrong, but knew it now.

"Beautiful," she managed, cupping the side of her face and lifting her closer to place a kiss on her temple. "What's her name?" she asked, not taking her eyes off her daughter.

“She doesn’t have one yet.”

Rayne looked up at him. “Are you sure you’re okay with me naming her?”

“Of course.” Liam smiled. “She is yours too, my love.” He wiped away a few of her tears and leaned down to kiss her temple. When she tilted her face up he kissed her lips as well; it was gentle, slow, and full of feeling. Rayne smiled, then turned back to her baby.

“Evelyn,” she said. “Evelyn Seng Rys… is that okay?”

“It's perfect, love.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “She is yours, and you should be honoured, too.”

Lifting her hand, Rayne cupped his cheek. “Thank you.” He placed his hand over hers, and she relished the warmth of his palm, then looked past him to the crib against the wall. Registering her focus, Liam left her side to carefully lift another bundle from the crib. “My son...” she said softly, her voice full of emotion as Liam rested him in her other arm. She pressed a kiss to the boy’s temple as well, and hot tears welled in her eyes as they both watched her. She turned to Liam again, and could only laugh through tears as he took their photo.

“He hasn’t been given a name either,” he said as he returned to their side.

“What would you like to name him?”

“I thought you could,” he said, then paused. He laid a hand on his son. “I thought perhaps… perhaps Leo.”

Despite herself, Rayne smirked. “Your brother’s ego might explode.”

“Leonardo was also my grandfather’s name,” he said. “I’ve always liked it.”

She nodded, turning back to their son. “Prince Leo Drake Rys.” She looked back at Liam.

“Perfect.”

She nodded. They had discussed a few second names more from her heritage for their son, but she couldn’t look past Drake’s role in bringing her children into the world. She hoped Liam would remember this positively, and not as a reminder of his absence.

Then the fact she had been the one to mention ‘prince’ settled, a sudden and painful reminder that her babies were not truly hers anymore. For nine months they had been hers, but they were royalty, and she was not. One of them would lead this country one day, and she would be in the shadows... barely a footnote, quickly forgotten. But wasn’t that what she wanted?

“What is it, love?” asked Liam, picking up on her distress. “Why are you upset?”

“It’s just…” she swallowed the lump rising in her throat. “I won’t get much time with them, now that they’re here. As soon as I’m not needed to nurse them any longer, no one will need me.”

“That’s not true,” he said firmly. She met his eyes again, and they were determined. “I will not let you be sidelined. You will be there for them as will I.” He rested his other hand on her shoulder and rubbed it gently, speaking a little softer. “Leo and Evelyn will need their mother, and you are so important, not just to our family but our people and the world and Rayne.” He wiped a tear from her cheek before she realised they were falling again. “I will never let anyone forget that. We all need you.”

Rayne nodded again, but it didn’t stop the tears. She closed her eyes as he kissed her, heart swelling as every piece of her heart touched her at once. “And I need you, too,” he added softly, then kissed her again on the lips, then her nose, and her temple, and she laughed, and believed him.

Liam

Soonafter, Liam left to find a nurse, who came in and helped Rayne nurse the twins properly. He sat with her while she did, amazed at how naturally it came to her as she held each to her breast in turn. Leo and Evelyn fell back to sleep after that, and after answering a few questions, the nurse left, and they were alone again.

A little later with Rayne’s permission he invited their friends in and Leo, Drake, Olivia and Maxwell carefully shuffled through the doorway. They all broke into mirroring smiles when they saw them.

“Good afternoon,” Rayne said softly, a sleeping Leo in her arms. Evelyn still slept in Liam’s, and he felt as if he were getting better at supporting her correctly.

“Congratulations, you two,” said Olivia just as softly, looking between their children. His children… his and Rayne’s. Even though they had known for months it was so new, but so right.

“Congrats Rayne, little brother.” Leo rested a hand on his shoulder, and Liam looked up to see him staring down at his niece, with a depth of affection that he rarely showed.

“Little blossom has two little blossoms!” Maxwell said happily, beaming at them all.

“How’re you feeling, Kham?” asked Drake, brow furrowed. She smiled at him.

“Really well,” she seemed to say only to him. “Thank you.”

“Good.” Drake nodded, and relaxed.

“They look just like her, Liam.” Olivia smirked. “Are you sure they’re yours?”

“Definitely his,” Rayne answered before Liam could, and he chuckled at her tone. Whether by the reverberations of his chest or by coincidence, Evelyn chose that moment to slowly open her bright blue eyes, and all four of them gave renewed smiles. Liam stroked her head, and held her closer to his chest to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

“Definitely a Rys,” said Leo, chuckling.

“Do they have names yet?” Olivia asked.

Liam looked to Rayne, who’s eyes were getting heavy, and she nodded. “Liam is holding your niece, Evelyn Seng Rys.” She reached a hand toward Liam, and he squeezed it with his free hand. Then she turned her attention to her son. “And this is your nephew. Leo Drake Rys.”

They both looked up to see the reactions. Leo seemed momentarily surprised, then grinned. Drake was a little more taken aback.

“You sure?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck and glancing between Liam and Rayne.

“Absolutely,” answered Rayne. After a moment of eye contact, Drake sighed, and nodded. It wasn’t an unexpected response, but nor was it an unexpected choice. His friend would adjust. “Would you like to hold him?”

Drake brightened at that, if only slightly, and for a while the group each found a turn in saying hello to the newborns.

“I think that’s enough for now,” Liam said after a time, judging Rayne’s mood. The others were happy to comply, Maxwell and Leo carefully gave the twins to Liam and Rayne, and they started toward the exit.

“Wait,” said Rayne before the others could go. They turned back. “I need a word with Drake. Privately.” Their friends all looked at Drake, then left him and headed out. Rayne turned her gaze meaningfully to Liam. She wanted him to leave as well. He complied, of course, resting Leo in his crib and leaving them alone.

He knew what this would be about, closing the door behind him and waiting in the hall as Olivia, Maxwell and Leo headed toward the lobby in good spirits. She hadn’t said anything, but the sudden reminder of his broken promise rushed back. All the words Drake had said to him rang in his mind and he had by far deserved them. All the pain he had caused in his absence. Everything he had missed. But he couldn’t get that time back, or ever make up for the failure. He could only ensure he never failed her again. Anymore than he already was.

Drake

The room was much quieter with just the two of them. Them and the frighteningly fragile newborns, that was.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he said hesitantly, hovering between the door and the bed.

“So am I. You can come closer,” she said, amused. He did so, and she reached for his hand, her other arm still supporting Eleanor. For a moment she only smiled at him, and he wondered if he was meant to say something, but then she did. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to--”

“I do, though.” She squeezed his hand. “You were here for me when I thought I was alone, and you stayed, even though it was hard.”

“Of course I stayed.” Drake frowned, unable to think of a scenario where someone would leave. “You shouldn't've been… I mean I couldn’t leave you alone. Not for this.” Not ever.

“Not just anyone would, though, and I’m still grateful.”

“Kham-”

“All you have to do is say ‘you’re welcome’.” She squeezed his hand again, the same one she had held for hours earlier that day, and didn’t let go until he nodded.

“Any time.”

“Good enough.” She smiled, then sobered. “Now. I’m guessing you spoke to Liam when he arrived?”

Ah. That was why. “I did.”

“Did he tell you why he wasn’t here?”

He wondered why she hadn’t discussed this with Liam, but suspected Liam’s penchant for internalised melodramatic guilt had something to do with it. “He didn’t, but the hospital staff said he was in a meeting, and they weren’t meant to disturb him until it was over.”

“I see.” She looked down at Evelyn. “So I guess your conversation with him was a bit more…”

“Direct,” Drake said. “You had already gone under when he arrived. I told him what his commitment had cost him, and what he had missed.” He didn’t realise his voice had grown firmer as he spoke, and he cleared his throat, and spoke more steadily. “He needed to know.”

“Alright,” she said, her voice still steady. The room was quiet for a few moments as she considered her response. “I need you to do something more for me.”

“What do you need?”

Rayne turned to him again. “I need you to forgive him.”

Exiting the room in a daze, Drake clapped a waiting Liam on the shoulder, then wordlessly turned for the lobby as his friend reentered the room. The short walk allowed him his reflections. It would take time but he would keep his promise to Rayne, of course, and let go of his frustration. And wonder how she could be this generous after everything the Cordonian Royal Court had put her through.

He had been terrified of dropping their daughter, but had had the opportunity to hold her for a while. She was beautiful, much like her mother, and so, so small. If they were still okay with him being the godfather, he would protect that girl with his life, just as he would her mother. Drake’s hand went to the healed bullet wound in his shoulder. He would do it again for either of them. For any of them. In a heartbeat. He sighed.

Rayne was a mother now… and Liam a father. The titles would take a while to sink in. Even though they had known for months, seeing Evelyn and Leo as real, breathing human beings was such a huge shift.

It really hadn't been long, after all, since they had met the drifting waitress in New York. Whatever had brought Rayne to Cordonia, love had kept her here. Stronger than he had seen since his own parents. Stronger still for what she had been through.

"About damn time." Leo's voice snapped him out of his reflections the moment he reached the lobby.

"Beer garden. Everyone. Now," Olivia stated, then shrugged when they all turned to her and rolled her eyes. "What? Relax, I'm not going to poison you." It was still a strange recommendation from her; she had never considered the venue dignified. It wasn't.

"No complaints here, Livvy." Leo grinned, stretching. "Especially if you’re buying. Celebratory drinks!"

"Great plan! Thanks Liv!" Maxwell led the charge out to their respective vehicles, Drake following a little slower behind them, wondering why they hadn’t enquired about his time with Rayne.

Twenty minutes later they pulled up at the beer garden they had been to before the homecoming ball. To Rayne and Liam’s credit, despite the circumstances, that had still been a good night. Leo had arrived first on his motorbike and grabbed a table near the back. Also on the table were three more glasses and bottles of scotch, whiskey, and champagne with the latter in an ice bucket. Drake reached for the whiskey as they all sat and poured themselves drinks.

"To Rayne," said Leo, lifting his glass. "Mad enough to deal with Rys children and the bravest goddamn woman I know."

Drake glanced at Olivia beside him as they toasted.

"Outside of Lythikos, that is," she added. He smiled and shook his head as they clinked glasses and drank.

"If you say so, Livvy." Maxwell grinned, then turned to Drake. "Speaking of women, though, where's Harper?"

Unprepared for the question, he hid his first response behind a sip of whiskey before answering. "We broke up."

In his periphery, Olivia looked up a little too quickly, but he ignored it. Instead he braced himself for the response.

"What did you do?' asked Leo as he poured himself a new glass of scotch. Drake scowled, receiving only a smirk and a raised eyebrow in return.

"Nothing," he lied. He knew exactly what had gone wrong. They'd only been going out a couple of months, and only hooked up a few times. Then she'd slammed on the brakes and given him an ultimatum. He had really liked her, and her reasons were completely valid, but though he was pissed at himself for giving her up he also didn’t regret his decision.

"Not likely," Maxwell pressed. "C'mon, tell us your deepest darkest secrets."

"None of your business."

"Leave him be, you two," said Olivia. They all turned to her, and she sipped her champagne as they waited for the other shoe to drop. "If Walker doesn’t want to admit he has issues getting it up, then that's his problem."

There was stunned silence for a moment, then Leo and Maxwell burst out laughing and Drake scowled even deeper.

"That's not it." He didn't know why he bothered. This was just Olivia trying to get under his skin.

"If it's not that then what was it?" Leo asked. "No time for 20 questions. Spill."

"No." He reached for the whiskey, but Leo pulled it out of reach. They locked eyes for a moment, then Drake rolled his eyes and left to get another bottle from the bar. That in hand, he reluctantly returned to sit beside Olivia again, poured three fingers and sipped it, looking pointedly at Leo as he did.

"We'll get it out of you one day," said Maxwell. He hated that they probably would.

Suddenly, he felt Olivia’s foot curl around his ankle. For some god awful reason he found it oddly comforting, and despite his better judgement did not pull away. She didn't look at him, but the corner of her lip turned up into a smile as she sipped her champagne and continued to speak with the others. Drake looked down at his glass.

The reason he'd broken up with Harper was that, in the last few weeks, he had spent most of his free time with Rayne. She'd become much less mobile and he kept her company at the palace mostly when Liam was working. The fact that Liam couldn't spend that time with her was shitty, but that was on brand for their whole arrangement. It was horrible to watch, but Rayne seemed genuinely okay and he had been happy to talk and go for short walks and play board or card games or watch movies with her when she wasn’t resting, which she often was. He wouldn’t see much of her now. He moved his leg closer to Olivia.

Liam

Rayne fell asleep not long after their friends left. Liam hated to leave her, but a couple of things that needed to be taken care of couldn’t wait. He softly kissed her forehead, and in the hall gave the nurses very explicit instructions to contact him as soon as she was awake, if he wasn't back yet.

Only upon exiting the hospital did he realise it was nearly dusk. Rayne hadn't mentioned his absence from her labour but he felt it keenly, and needed to confront the woman responsible.

As soon as he reached the palace he beelined for her quarters, and knocked.

"Come in," she called almost immediately. He entered, finding Madeleine at her desk, poring over a thick document.

"We need to talk." He shut the door, and she looked up, then stood, seeming unphased by his anger.

"Go ahead then, husband."

Liam breathed deep to try and calm himself; it wasn't particularly effective.

"What the hell do you think you were doing last night? How could you possibly think it was your place to tell the staff not to inform me that my children were being born?" His anger increased at her lack of reaction.

"You were busy, and the birth of your bastards was not significant. Now they’re here, you can of course see them. They need to know who their father is. Otherwise your presence was superfluous."

He stared at her. "You're joking." He gestured generally behind him. "This was the most significant event of my life and I needed to be there and how dare you keep that from me."

"Watch your tone." Madeleine's voice cooled. "This was our agreement. You can legitimise your mistress’s children, but you are loyal to the Crown."

"No, Madeleine," he seethed, taking a step forward. She knew damn well how he hated her reference to Rayne as his mistress. She was the woman he loved and so much more. "Our agreement was that the Crown recognise my children. They are my children! I had a right to be there if not as a king them as a father and you know that. Rayne is a human being, not a fucking machine. Find some ounce of compassion."

Silence followed and her cool regard was more infuriating than any like reaction.

"I would, perhaps, for my own children," she said, her voice softened. "So you can go ahead and quiet any accusation that I’m some heartless narcissist."

"No. You don't get to play that card," he said before his very real compassion took hold; her clear intention. "If you wanted me to feel sorry for you, you should have told me before we were married." He turned toward the door and looked back when he reached it.

"I will be the best father I can be for my children. I will be there for them and Rayne whenever they need or want me. If you were can't understand that as love and loyalty then at least could understand it as a duty to my family."

"Their mother is not your family," she said coldly. "You owe her nothing."

"I owe her everything." He stated just as coldly, a hand on the doorknob. "Stay away from them all."

---- ----

The list below is from my previous SbS masterlist. If you'd like to be added or removed please let me know!

Tag List: @leelee10898 @indiacater @speedyoperarascalparty @brightpinkpeppercorn @riseandshinelittleblossom @bella-ca @custaroonie @furiousherringoperatortoad @missevabean @thequeenofcronuts @kuladekiwi @mfackenthal @iplaydrake @lodberg @annekebbphotography @carabeth @wannabemc @explorer-of-gems @be-still-my-aching-heart @kateslayer @kingliam2019 @kalirosesummers @umccall71

@tessa-liam

[wrightfamilyagency]

I got asked about my old Pokemon AU I briefly posted about a long time ago, and I've been going back to that on and off over the years, so why not post a little more about what it looks like now, ha. And, of course, once I started writing it down I couldn't stop and now there's way too much for one post sooooo Part 1 I guess???

I think I'll start on the world-building stuff, since that got completely overhauled after the last posts, especially as Sword and Shield came out and gave us a canonical UK region so I had to throw out what little I'd already done and start over with the Layton side of things anyway, lol. I'll get back to how Galar works down-page a bit, though.

On the Ace Attorney side of things, I ended up completely revamping the 'region' of California in the end. I'd actually started out really flailing on what to do with it - the nearest regions were Alola/Hawai'i and Unova/New York, both of which are quite a distance away - but after last posting about it, I suddenly realised I had an excellent starting point right there: Orre! I played both Colosseum and XD: Gale of Darkness back in the day and they remain my favourite Pokemon spin-offs, to the point I fully believe they deserve to be counted as mainline, made by Game Freak or not. The point here is, Orre was based on Arizona and parts of northwest Mexico, so it's right next door to California and it would totally make sense if Pkmn-California worked a lot like Orre does. So, there aren't any gyms here, just a handful of colosseums - one of them being Sunshine Coliseum, that tied in really well - where there are regular tournaments held, though I did keep the idea of an Elite 4 who were the highest ranked battlers of the region, but they only battle in 'invitational' tournaments of the next so-many highest ranks. I also put a new coliseum (both spellings are technically correct, so I stuck to the one used in AA for Sunshine Coliseum) in the Nine Tails Vale/Tenma Town area, called the MissingNo Coliseum. The two towns either side are Ninetales Vale and Tauros Town, by the way; Though the monster is only known as MissingNo, it is pictured much like a Paldean Tauros (Blaze breed) as that pokemon shares the parallels of multiple tails and fire-type with Kantonian Ninetales and both the black colour and the name 'Tauros' are close to the original 'Tenma Taro' too.

The second interesting thing about Orre I decided to bring over is the idea of wild pokemon being almost non-existent, and only just starting to reappear when the story starts (2002-ish, about the time I headcanon XD:GoD as being set), which ties in to the story of how Phoenix gets his Magikarp: That determination despite "everyone knowing" there are no wild pokemon in the region is such a Phoenix thing to do, especially when he succeeds regardless! Before the wild population builds up, all the pokemon in this region are imported, either individually with their trainer or by a bulk-importer to be sold on.

Oh, and the final Orre trait I brought over? Double battles are the norm here. Most people buy have at least two pokemon specifically because that's just how its done in Orre and Pkmn-California.

On the Layton/Galar side of things, well, obviously anything located or happening in London is instead in Wyndon here. Sword/Shield says something about Chairman Rose designing and building "this booming metropolis", but I'm going to pretend they don't mean the city literally didn't exist until recently and that they actually mean Rose just made an existing ancient town really fancy and a prime destination for tourists by putting up a lot of big buildings, towers, and a stadium... especially since we have no indication as to when Sword/Shield takes place, so all this might be before Rose's company starts building stadiums and stuff. I also ended up merging Monte D'or with Stow-on-Side, as they are both in a desert/desert-like setting, surrounded by cliffs, and known for ancient architecture nearby. The main difference is that, instead of the 'round' area being a lake with a stadium in the middle and the actual town being down the cliffside a little, the lake is a massive hole in the ground in which the town is located, possibly containing a stadium. The mural is still way above them on the cliffside, being unrelated to the Azran stuff beneath the new settlement.

As for the rest of them...

[Image description: The official artwork of the Galar region from Pokemon Sword and Shield. A compass rose indicates North is downward. From north to south, the towns of Wedgehurst, Motostoke, Turffield, Stow-on-Side, Hammerlocke, and Wyndon have been labelled, as has Route 10 north of Wyndon. Various areas, detailed below, have been circled in red and labelled "St Mystere?", "Misthallery?", "Stansbury?", "Labyrinthia?", and "Folsense & Dropstone?"]

Stansbury is somewhere green and open, not too far from Monte D'or, close to an ancient wall, so I placed it somewhere between Stow-on-Side and Turffield. Labyrinthia is an island, so I placed that one at random off the coast, somewhere to the south as I figure it can't be that far from London/Wyndon (not that we get a very good view of the southern coastline in this image, but still). Folsense is hidden in mountains, only accessible by train from London, and Dropstone isn't far away, so those two I ended up placing semi-randomly in the mountains off Route 10, as that's the southern extent of the trainline in Galar. Misthallery's major feature is the big dam/lake and the multiple rivers, so I kinda threw it in around the lake-filled section of the Wild Area, between Motostoke and Wedgehurst. St Mystere I really just picked a location for at random, in the mountains near Wedgehurst, off the Wild Area... but on second thought it might actually fit better as being hidden in the Glimwood Tangle (the thick forest that surrounds Ballonlea), south of Stow-on-Side.

Obviously, unlike the California region, people in Galar will generally catch a pokemon from the wild when they want one, and most people have at least one. Double battles are actually pretty rare in Galar, though it is known to be used occasionally in the professional circuits. The first thing I did after retooling this AU for Sword/Shield was to make sure certain characters' teams were made up of pokemon actually available in those games... or, I did my best to ensure that. There's one major exception I will go into later. xD

At some point I'll do a part 2, and talk about the plot or about pokemon teams for various characters or something. Send me an ask if you have a preference, I guess?

[therealtrashpanda]

I haven't worked on this in nearly 2 years, but recently I've had a sudden motivation spike and am planning on bringing it back.

I'm starting by redoing and revamping the current relevant transformations of the characters.

Unfortunately I can't art. I am bad at drawing, so I can't do comic, even though I would love to. So instead I'm doing YouTube videos.

I will write up the summary later. But the idea is That Adrien, Marinette, Nathalie and Gabriel swapped miraculous' as well as roles.

But one thing that I should make clear is that Gabriel isn't really a good guy. When I made the origins episode I was lazy with the backstory on how Nathalie and Gabriel attained the miraculous' but I am going to clear it up at some point.

Some episodes will be discluded because Adrien, even as a villain has different morals than his father. Meaning he won't akumatize his family, friends, or children (so no puppeteer in season 1) I'm also changing some akuma designs up a bit because some really sucked.

Anyway I have a bunch of ideas on the concept. Might eventually redo the original episodes. But for now I'm gonna start on Pharaoh in a little bit.

Akuma class gets character development because I said so. Marinette is not the only one learning lessons, also because I said so. And Love Square isn't gonna exist.

I'm trying again, so hopefully the inconsistency after this long break won't be too bad.

I just redid Nathalie and Adrian's transformation, Gabriel's is next.

More clarification on the Gabriel isn't a good guy thing, originally I didn't have Adrien as a Senti-being, but I changed that when it was made canon. But Gabriel's treatment of Adrien is what pushes him to this extreme. The only reason Gabriel isn't still Hawkmoth in this timeline is because Adrien stole it from him before he found out about the wish and got the idea to terrorize Paris.

Anyway I'll probably link the main ones I made so far.

Scarlett Transformation and Dark Morpho

[feeling-grubby]

I see you have a puppet child. I am curious to know more about them. Spill the beans :gun emoji:

Oh, you dumb motherfucker I am bout to info dump on your ass. Fucking had me redraw this wriggler just so I can show you some half decent art of what they used to look like. Cause there was no way in hell I was gonna show you my initial drawing of him from when I was still in middle school. You better buckle in bucko this is a long one.

The character you are referring to is Rakker Dolika. The name "Rakker" means "a rascal, a tomboy, a scamp," which points to his mischievous nature. I also chose the name because it sounds close to "wrecker," which I think fits a destructive clown boy. "Dolika" means "doll," which correlates with how he does his makeup and how he dresses up.

Rakker was created when I was working on a stupid project. The idea was to take Wonderland characters and turn them into trolls. These trolls would be part of a circus/carnival that would buy low-blood slaves and make them perform. They would try to sway the public's opinion about the church by using the supposedly not-enslaved performers as an example. They would claim that the low bloods had seen the light of the mirthful messiahs and converted to believers.

I ultimately scrapped the idea, but I enjoyed Rakker a lot and ended up keeping him. I can't tell you what character in Alice in Wonderland he was supposed to embody, because it was a very obscure one.

(The art is bad I know. it's just to help you visualize em. I did not spend a whole lot of time on it. wasn't gonna go all out when I plan to revamp the design later to something I like more. would've been a waste of time really.) Originally, Rakker was supposed to follow the Alice in Wonderland theme and look like a character from the book. However, I strayed away from that theme and instead made him look like a ventriloquist dummy. I thought the face paint design was interesting, and I never really had an idea for his horns, so I didn't draw them in the image above. Because ya know I had nothing to go off of. So this is close to how Rakker originally looked without having to show you my horrible old art work.

For the revamp version of Rakker, I have some things figured out. Some of those things include his sign and horns. His horns are designed after his sign. I took the weird circle thing on the left side of the sign and rotated it upside down. That ended up being his horn design.

As for what his future revamp design will be, I'm currently on the fence about that. I thought about changing him from a ventriloquist dummy to a Harlequin. I will eventually get around to drawing him and figuring him out fully.

Story wise, with this revamped version since the carnival doesn't exist anymore, I've been fussing around with some ideas. I was thinking he was kind of like an internet troll. He plays pranks on the elders at the church and starts really stupid online debates. He acts like those 14-year-olds you see on the internet who think being obnoxious is a charming personality. He is only 13 though.

That age there actually has me a little worried about adding him to my blog. So, he has a personality, but I may more so only show art I make of him and will refrain from using him in rps. He will also most likely not be included in the narrative I might build up for my blog.

Rakker is a character that I created specifically for my own enjoyment. He isn't complex with some insane backstory. His only real story is his relationship with his best friend, Angora, who is the same age as him. He is supposed to simply be a character that brings me back childhood nostalgia. I could go into more detail about Angora, but since you only asked about Rakker, I will spare you. Need to show you some mercy after this if you even read it all lol.

(Thank you for the ask and sorry for taking so long.)

[the-firebird69]

There's a lot going on huge amounts of things and there are giant battles that just started up and one of them is over my car and my Jeep finally says he has one and he does it's our idea and mine is a backup he may have used a backup and you did in Los Angeles and it was the Toyota Tercel and he used one going to school for a little bit it was the yellow Ford escort and they were saying that the red one is his we need to decide to revamp it out of nowhere now it was because the yellow one kind of sucked and he made the Ford escort famous again. It's not a bad vehicle and he's saying we should bring the hatchback back because it was useful and you make it a little bit more useful format and they're thinking of doing it.

And my car that's a backup well there's more than one but the first in line is the firebird and he saw it as black and he told the driver and Tommy f and they're fighting over it here in punta Gorda the car is already here and it has strong meaning just like the white one and it might actually have him have both some people say and say you had it painted and give him his they do that kind of stuff and just detail it it smells like paint the reason is it's black and I'm in black and he's dark and it's really my vehicle cuz I do a lot of the work tons of what he says scheduling and driving our master schedule. And the white one might even come later when he's supposedly back in power I got to tell you something people are starting to see it it probably is what it is and he says it probably is and needs to be fixed and put on a lot or in storage really it's true too somebody's driving around

Hera

We think that one's in California and we have to check

Timmy d

That one's a backup it's it's pretty far down no it's like number three and it's mine and it is a backup and he is right that would be even more appropriate because Hera is working with us and I do see that we're the ones sending the orders

Fincastle hardcastle

We're going to work on the verbiage but it really means a lot then it says that and we think they might do it and that's why it's there on the other car is supposed to be here too and it's supposed to drive that after the time but we thought it would be first with the first one he drove was yellow and now he's stealth still but the warlocks want him to be the good guy when he's poor so it's a big fight and difference of opinion and they have him in a black Kia and the morlock got beat out they wanted him in a smaller white one and he saw it and said it's too small this car is a good size car and we know it it's been doing it and where it's been has been in storage most the time it has only about 15,000 mi and he drove to work and back and you can see him driving the Harley and it seems like trumpy said it was it's just driving back and forth to work and for crying out loud it's funny didn't use it for a while and got garage now now I noticed something that's number three because I did a lot of work on it a little bit more than the two did and but they had more ideas Incorporated although I did the incorporation I also had ideas the rear end is my old idea and I gave it to him he says it's true I had several more for the car and their secrets and we don't give them out I actually changed his induction a little he says and it's true and his ways would work but mine works better and the six cylinder is my idea that's all everybody can have one otherwise people won't let you and also you'll get an accident more than you would he says a rearrangement is fine gears and it's mine and we're messing with the gears and it's true. It's more but it's in town and it might not be a backup for mac daddy or the max but usually it gets number one and that's not true either he gets more or less the number that he's worth on that one is not true either they don't do it by article they do it by their own if you do it by their code it would be black first and white later yellow black and white is kind of what they've been doing and that's the rule of three and three tries and you're out that's what they say so Jimmy Doyle is doing the wrong thing for his plan and the warlock I think it's their idea and it is

Did newcomb Blockbuster and the last part half the paragraph Frank Castle hardcastle and we're going to work on the verbiage again

Wow and we're going to say it this is amazing he says yeah they have their stuff together a little more than I do and how could you you're stuck there they're very precise people and he likes to be in these people making angry all day long every single day

Olympus

[theharpermovieblog]

#HARPERSMOVIECOLLECTION

2023

I re-watched Batman Returns (1992)

Is this the best Batman film ever made?

Well I suppose it's debatable, but yes, yes it is the best Batman movie and that's just a fact. This isn't so much a review as a celebration of a great comic book movie.

Batman must face off against Cat Woman and The Penguin as the latter gains political power and the former becomes a love interest.

Burton is a director who's body of work I don't love. His early films are original and some are amazing, his later films are wastes of time. But, Burton got Batman right. His stylized look fits Gotham city perfectly. He knew to keep the world outside of era and time. It's the 1990's, but it's art deco style pays homage to The comic's roots.

Burton also steered clear of what the later Nolan films and the Reeves film tried to do. They tried very hard to ground Batman in the real world. They wanted it to be too real and, while Nolan's movies are good, it's a huge mistake to throw out the entire comic book origins of the character. No way you could bring this version of penguin into Nolan or Reeves films. You couldn't bring Killer Croc or Clay Face in either because they wouldn't fit that "real world" style. In this film even the characters understand that sometimes in Gotham, clowns attack the city and penguin men rise from the sewer. They exist in a comic world.

Finally, Burton understood that Batman's villains are the real beauties of the world. 1989's Batman should be called Joker. It's The Joker's origin story and he's the character with the arch. Same here. Batman Returns is a film about it's villains.

It also goes without saying that, along with Burton's films, Michael Keaton is the best Batman. Kilmer was boring, Clooney was silly, Bale was also boring and Pattinson Broods too much. All damn fine actors, but they couldn't make a character out of Batman. Keaton did the thing that none of them even really tried. Underneath the hero, Bruce Wayne is a little bit fucking crazy. Keaton adds that element and it's so necessary to make the character more than a rich guy in a bat suit. Along with Keaton this movie might have the most perfect casting in film history. Pfeiffer as Catwoman is way more than just good looks, she's a deeply disturbed and interesting character. Devito as the penguin is an absolute revelation and truly monstrous. Then they threw in Christopher Walken just as a cherry on top.

Just looks at what is accomplished here:

Catwoman in this film. Selina Kyle might be a villain, but she takes agency over her 9 lives after living a life ruled by men. It's a great storyline. Watch Catwoman in the other movies. She's nothing but a side character to batman with almost no depth.

That alone would be enough for a full movie, but penguin's storyline of being turned cruel after being tossed away for being deformed, rising to political power in a deeply corrupt system, is also fantastic.

Then batman comes in to stop them and we get his side of things, with some mild detective work and fun action.

On top of all that Max Schrek, is yet another variable and it all overlaps into one story.

Burton fits all this into and endlessly artistic and fun comic book movie and at no point does it feel over packed.

Beautiful filmmaking.

There are minor moments where Burton might go too far. Penguins with rockets on their back felt very much like something from the 60's show. But, even that has its place in Batman's roots. I might not like it, but I'm sure some people do.

Is this the best Batman put to film?

Yes. It's no longer debatable lol.

(I'm aware that I left out discussing Ben Affleck's Batman. While I think he's not that bad, the Snyderverse movies are terrible and I'm glad they're thinking of revamping everything.)

[dairy-farmer]

No because I live when fics bring in the social media aspect of the world into fics but I think it would go beautifully with secretary!Tim because the media will go insane

Like Lois and Vicky I know are dragging Bruce through the mud and Dick reading the papers would also strengthen his disapproval over the relationship

Now Timmy’s presence in social media would be what I wanna see because try as I might I know he would be an inspiration for many as he bagged a wealthy bachelor and kept him

Like I want Timmy to be a material girl dripping in diamonds and flaunting his relationship to the public via social media

a fic purely from the social media POV would be incredible i've seen fics like that that are so well done but i don't think i have the chops for that since it's almost all dialogue and i'm much more of a narrative and describe-the-scene and feelings type of person but i can see it so much!!

vicky does this because she wants the best story, because she and bruce used to have something and maybe its gross of her to be petty and use this as a chance for revenge when so many people are guninely upset at the situation reguarding the city's most generous philanthropist. lois is dedicated to publishing the truth, as damning and vile as it is and the evidence is pretty fucking damning but i think a part of her is also betrayed because she's been in tim's shoes, millions of women have. you're working late and your "boss" makes far too many uncomfrotable comments about the two of you being the only ones who are in the office and "who knows what could happen". it hits too close to home and maybe that's why she's letting it blind her a bit, but bruce was clark's friend (she though he'd been her friend too) and clark had been fumbling, trying to come up with a justification, an excuse. saying things that the justice league was saying like mind control or magic or something.

but lois...all lois had seen was another man trying to protect and justify his fellow man. she'd been unsurprised when clark had slinked back, a discomfort in his face and posture when he reported back that bruce was fine and he was going through with it, he was really going through marrying someone barely out of highschol, someone barely kon's age. clark and kon had never really gotten along, ma and pa had refused to speak to him for a week after they saw kon on the news (they'd been so mad)and just knew. they'd demanded clark "bring him home" and that was that.

clark and kon hadn't progressed much and evenetually kon's desperation to be liked had tapered off and he'd befriended a few other teen superheroes and mostly ignored both clark and lois when they came to visit in smallvill much to ma and pa's sadness which is what had prompted clark to try forging a bond between them.

not that kon reciprocated. apparently he'd writtten clark off (and lois by proxy which had strangely hurt her feelings) as a lost cause but kon was tim's approximate physical age and clark had gotten fond enough of kon that it made him uncomfortable. that had really pissed lois off. that clark was only upset at that part he related to. did he think of tim at all in the scenario?

tim who had been a talented photographer according to his highschool teachers that lois had dug up. his art teacher had urged him to go to art school since he'd grown disillusioned with the school system and had little interest in higher education institutions. lois stared at old instagram pictures by tim of gotham's skyline, of poverty stricken areas with boarded up windows but happy children playing in the street with the sun shining down on them. despite their enviornment and less than kind habitation their joy had shone through like they were saying 'hey we're still here! we live here!' unlike the dreary black and white shots of lower income neighborhoods in metropolis that won the yearly award for best work much to jimmy's constant dismay.

the photos had tapered off since then but recently been revamped when tim had posted an engagement photo. his friends that had been following him and apparently fallen out of contact with him replied with scattered '!!!!!! DUDE!!!?????'.

though those were buried by fresher responses since it'd been posted a day before that infamous press conference where bruce had...smiled and said tim wasn't pregnant yet. but tim's friends had been surprised and shocked at his engagement. they hadn't even known he'd been seeing anyone. that plus the messy situation with his parents who he hadn't spoken to since he'd walked out of the house with a suitcase the day after his graduation. jack drake had tried filing a police report for a missing person two days later but the GCPD had rebuffed him stating timothy was unharmed, willingly left, completed his state madated education and was, apparently, emancipated by a judge at 16.

alone. young. isolated. and then came bruce wayne.

so many young people with no idea of what was occuring were on tim's instagram cheering him on and congradulating him and joking like 'bestie you were supposed to get that bread, get that head, then leave 😩' and different variants of 'when will it be my turn 😭'.

lois had to walk away from her laptop while quoting them, because none of them seemed to grasp just how imbalanced the entire relationship was.

----

just the media caught between some smear campaigne agianst bruce, vacilalting between condemning tim as well or expressing sympathy for them!! online hustler culture being much olouder and dying the fire down faster and making tim out to be a gold digger but phrasing it as a good thing and an achievement. i think it's only a year later where the reaction shift from that mish mash of stuff to a more quiet '...oh 😀' when tim has a baby. lois has an extra drink that night and tells clark to tell 'fuck you' to bruce for her and clark doesn't have the heart to tell her that bruce is currently on paternity leave and and dick is acting as batman and might be more quietly pissed than she is.

!!!! it would be such an interesting way to see everyone else's reaction outside of what bruce and tim see and pay attention to. of course they know it's not well recieved but they don't actually see or know how it affects others outside gotham.

[shrunkyclunksbang]

We’re baaack!

Apologies for the delay, folks! Due to some IRL shenanigans the Shrunkyclunks Bang will be starting a little later than originally expected, but we're still kicking! So for all those who are excited to join us for our second year, I am pleased to announce that sign-ups will now be opening on February 19th. If you’re interested, keep an eye on any of our social media accounts for the additional announcement that will be made with the sign-up link included!

 Additionally, our Rules and Guidelines have recently been revamped, so we’d like to STRONGLY ENCOURAGE you to take the time to go through them even if you already read them last year. You will be held responsible for knowing AND following our current rules and still be held accountable regardless of if you’ve read them or not.

 Finally! Here’s a quick peek at some of the rules from last year that HAVE NOT changed:

Fic drafts are still required with check-ins. Same goes with your art. If you don’t give us access to see them then your check-in is not done.

We will not chase after you during check-ins – you’ll get a notification when they’re open, when they’re about to close and if we need a re-submission, but that’s it. For this reason, be on top of deadlines and notify a mod if you aren’t getting our emails. 

 Penalties for dropping WITHOUT a really good reason after being paired up are never going away. Ever.

Extensions will only be made for emergencies – plan your time wisely. Know the schedule!

 And here’s a sneak peek at the rules HAVE changed:

Serial posting is now allowed, WOO HOO! You will have an assigned week to post everything regardless of how many chapters you have. No exceptions!

 Why are we bringing these up? Because last time these rules in particular bothered certain participants who either didn’t see them upon signing up or just didn’t read them at all and decided that they wanted to be that person who bombards mods with complaints. So we want to make sure people know in advance what these policies are so that you can make the call over whether this is the right bang for you.

 We’d love to have as many participants as possible, but the rules we have now will not be changing from this point forward. We understand if that doesn't work for everyone and no one will blame you for deciding to do what’s best for you.

 We might even thank you.

 Okay, heavy talk done. Let’s bring the happy back. We’re really excited to start up again and we hope to see all of you there on February 19th!

 (Please read the rules. We’re begging you.) 

https://shrunkyclunksbb.dorik.io/

[entropy-game-dev]

I have several questions...

In my previous post, I went through the design choices and math that went into calculating the number of years the protagonist of the game accumulates when travelling millions of light years between black holes. In this post, I’d like to address some thoughts and challenges that came up when implementing this counter, both from technical and in-universe story perspectives.

The technical challenge

I’ll try not to get too much into the details here, but essentially, computers can only store so many numbers until they start behaving in very strange ways. From really large numbers rolling over back to zero (integer overflow), or simply losing precision and odd mathematical calculations due to rounding errors, one has to be careful when dealing with big numbers in code. As my duration calculations are just estimates, I was not concerned at all with rounding errors, but I absolutely did not want to see the years counter resetting after too much travel in-game.

One of the ways around this, and the method I used, was to split a big number up into two different variables, the base number (ranging from 1 to 9.99) and an exponent of the number 10. If you’re familiar with it, this is essentially scientific notation, and something like 2 million will look like 2 x 10^6. Let’s have a look at the code above to see how I went about implementing this.

The first image shows a very simple script. It takes a number, and uses a logarithm (base 10) function to essentially “count” how many digits are in a number. I then raise 10 to the power this number, and divide the original number by it, to bring it between 1 and 9.99.

The second script deals with the addition of two numbers with different powers. First, convert the numbers if they aren’t already in the above format. Next, get the difference in exponents, and put the second number in the same scale as the first number. Add them together and if that number is outside the 1-9.99 range, update the exponent variable. Took me a little bit to get this working, but I’m quite proud of it, especially coming from a not-so-mathsy background!

And is this 70s accurate?

The game takes place in the 70s, and one of my friends brought up an interesting point - because the way I display these numbers is indeed using scientific notation, would 70s computer architecture store such big numbers in the same way? Looking further into it, probably not - the main method that computers use to store large numbers is using consecutive bytes in memory and just remember which 10s position they’re at! That’s fine though, because you could easily convert it to scientific notation using the method I just described above

Furthermore, one of the first things that your AI (who’s had a VERY long time to develop) does is a revamp of your system and suit’s computer architecture (within reason, given the now-primitive hardware). So, (and this is the handwave-y part), there’ll be numerous processing efficiencies imparted that will allow the software to perform at a level way above what it was originally designed for. It has to be this way because otherwise, the moment you step outside you’ll get your suit hacked and disabled by the universe’s dumbest robot. And that would be a plot hole. Picture highly related.

Speaking of plot holes...

You might be willing to accept that sure, advanced technology maybe could stand up to the millions of years in deep space, but how does the frail human body even hope to last that long? 

While the time period is indeed the 70s, it’s more of an alternate-universe styled thing where materials science and hardware rapidly advanced while the software side got left in the dust. So at the beginning of the game, the technology to safely cryo-freeze and wake humans exists, and this is what happens to your character en-route to the first black hole. Spending so long in orbit so close to a black hole then lets relativity kick in, slowing down time to almost a standstill while the rest of the universe keeps on ticking. As a side note, the simulated travel speed of 1% of the speed of light is no where near there’s essentially no effects of relativity occurring while travelling, only during close orbits of black holes.

But the journey from earth to the first black hole is only a fraction of the multi-million light year distances that you’ll be doing through the course of the game. And to survive that? Well, I’ll be up-front with you, I haven’t decided how I want things to play out. It could just be more cryo-freezing but with advanced technology. Or a whole other host of existential-crisis-inducing possibilities. Like I said, I’m undecided I want to do. The fate of the character might also depend on which ending you get...

Despair?!

On the topic of existential crises, another of my friends said that, for a sci-fi game, he’d expect to see massive numbers spiraling out of control. At first I thought he was referring to the battle system and suggesting some insane Disgaea-esque inflation on stats and damage values. However, he clarified he meant more in terms of the theming and fluff that the player will experience.

And I absolutely agree with that sentiment! I think giving the players such incomprehensibly large numbers really emphasises how tiny and insignificant humanity is in relation to literally everything else - both in-game and in real life. Things like distances, times, masses, speeds, counts... I really hope to make these large numbers somewhat prominent, so that players don’t forget about the vastness of space on their travels.

Anyways, that’s it from me for now! Thanks for reading!