#i mean jonas is number one aye

[dysaniartic]

isak appreciation week day four:

favourite friendship 👬💛

[letterboxd]

Best of Sundance 2021.

From pandemic-era stories, via portraits of grief, to the serendipitous 1969 trilogy, the Letterboxd crew recaps our favorite films from the first major festival of the year.

Sundance heralds a new season of storytelling, with insights into what’s concerning filmmakers at present, and what artistic innovations may be on the horizon. As with every film festival, there were spooky coincidences and intersecting themes, whether it was a proliferation of pandemic-era stories, or extraordinary portraits of women working through grief (Land, Hive, The World to Come), or the incredible serendipity of the festival’s ‘1969 trilogy’, covering pivotal moments in Black American history: Summer of Soul (...Or When the Revolution Could Not Be Televised), Judas and the Black Messiah and the joyful Street Gang: How We Got to Sesame Street.

The hybrid model of this year’s Sundance meant more film lovers across the United States—a record number of you, in fact—‘attended’ the prestigious indie showcase. Our Festiville team (Gemma Gracewood, Aaron Yap, Ella Kemp, Selome Hailu, Jack Moulton and Dominic Corry) scanned your Letterboxd reviews and compared them with our notes to arrive at these seventeen feature-length documentary and narrative picks from Sundance 2021. There are plenty more we enjoyed, but these are the films we can’t stop thinking about.

Documentary features

Summer of Soul (...Or, When the Revolution Could Not Be Televised) Directed by Ahmir-Khalib Thompson (AKA Questlove)

One hot summer five decades ago, there was a free concert series at a park in Harlem. It was huge, and it was lovely, and then it was forgotten. The Harlem Cultural Festival of 1969 brought together some of the world’s most beloved Black artists to connect with Black audiences. The star power and the size of the crowds alone should have been enough to immortalize the event à la Woodstock—which happened the same summer, the film emphasizes. But no one cared to buy up the footage until Ahmir-Khalib Thompson, better known as Questlove, came along.

It would have been easy to oversimplify such a rich archive by stringing together the performances, seeking out some talking heads, and calling it a day. But Questlove was both careful and ebullient in his approach. “Summer of Soul is a monumental concert documentary and a fantastic piece of reclaimed archived footage. There is perhaps no one better suited to curate this essential footage than Questlove, whose expertise and passion for the music shines through,” writes Matthew on Letterboxd. The film is inventive with its use of present interviews, bringing in both artists and attendees not just to speak on their experiences, but to react to and relive the footage. The director reaches past the festival itself, providing thorough social context that takes in the moon landing, the assassinations of Black political figures, and more. By overlapping different styles of documentary filmmaking, Questlove’s directorial debut embraces the breadth and simultaneity of Black resilience and joy. A deserving winner of both the Grand Jury and Audience awards (and many of our unofficial Letterboxd awards). —SH

Flee Directed by Jonas Poher Rasmussen

Flee is the type of discovery Sundance is designed for. Danish documentarian Jonas Poher Rasmussen tells the poignant story of his close friend and former classmate (using the pseudonym ‘Amin Nawabi’) and his daring escape from persecution in 1990s Afghanistan. Rasmussen always approaches tender topics with sensitivity and takes further steps to protect his friend’s identity by illustrating the film almost entirely in immersive animation, following in the footsteps of Waltz With Bashir and Tower. It’s a film aware of its subjectivity, allowing the animated scenes to alternate between the playful joy of nostalgia and the mournful pain of an unforgettable memory. However, these are intercepted by dramatic archive footage that oppressively brings the reality home.

“Remarkably singular, yet that is what makes it so universal,” writes Paul. “So many ugly truths about the immigration experience—the impossible choices forced upon people, and the inability to really be able to explain all of it to people in your new life… You can hear the longing in his voice, the fear in his whisper. Some don’t get the easy path.” Winner of the World Cinema (Documentary) Grand Jury Prize and quickly acquired by Neon, Flee is guaranteed to be a film you’ll hear a lot about for the rest of 2021. —JM

Taming the Garden Directed by Salomé Jashi

There’s always a moment at a film festival when fatigue sets in, when the empathy machine overwhelms, and when I hit that moment in 2021, I took the advice of filmmaker and Sundance veteran Jim Cummings, who told us: “If you’re ever stressed or tired, watch a documentary to reset yourself.” Taming the Garden wasn’t initially on my hit-list, but it’s one of those moments when the ‘close your eyes and point at a random title’ trick paid off. Documentary director Salomé Jashi does the Lorax’s work, documenting the impact and grief caused by billionaire former Georgian PM Bidzina Ivanishvili’s obsession with collecting ancient trees for his private arboretum.

“A movie that is strangely both infuriating and relaxing” writes Todd, of the long, locked-off wide shots showing the intense process of removing large, old trees from their village homes. There’s no narration, instead Jashi eavesdrops on locals as they gossip about Ivanishvili, argue about whether the money is worth it, and a feisty, irritated 90-year-old warns of the impending environmental fallout. “What you get out of it is absolutely proportional to what you put into it,” writes David, who recommends this film get the IMAX treatment. It’s arboriculture as ASMR, the timeline cleanse my Sundance needed. The extraordinary images of treasured trees being barged across the sea will become iconic. —GG

The Most Beautiful Boy in the World Directed by Kristian Petri and Kristina Lindström

Where Taming the Garden succeeds through pure observation, The Most Beautiful Boy in the World relies on the complete participation of its title subject, actor Björn Andrésen, who was thrust into the spotlight as a teenager. Cast by Italian director Lucino Visconti in Death in Venice, a 1971 adaptation of Thomas Mann’s novella about obsession and fatal longing, Andrésen spent the 1970s as an object of lust, with a side-gig as a blonde pop star in Japan, inspiring many manga artists along the way.

As we know by now (Alex Winter’s Showbiz Kids is a handy companion to this film), young stardom comes at a price, one that Andrésen was not well-placed to pay even before his fateful audition for Visconti. But he’s still alive, still acting (he’s Dan in Midsommar), and ready to face the mysteries of his past. Like Benjamin Ree’s excellent The Painter and the Thief from last year, this documentary is a constantly unfolding detective story, notable for great archive footage, and a deep kindness towards its reticent yet wide-open subject. —GG

All Light, Everywhere Directed by Theo Anthony

Threading the blind spots between Étienne-Jules Marey’s 19th-century “photographic rifle”, camera-carrying war pigeons and Axon’s body-cam tech, Theo Anthony’s inquisitive, mind-expanding doc about the false promise of the all-seeing eye is absorbing, scary, urgent. It’s the greatest Minority Report origin story you didn’t know you needed.

Augmented by Dan Deacon’s electronic soundscapes and Keaver Brenai’s lullingly robotic narration, All Light, Everywhere proves to be a captivating, intricately balanced experience that Harris describes as “one part Adam Curtis-esque cine-essay”, “one part structural experiment in the vein of Koyaanisqatsi” and “one part accidental character study of two of the most familiar yet strikingly unique evil, conservative capitalists…”. Yes, there’s a tremendous amount to download, but Anthony’s expert weaving, as AC writes, “make its numerous subjects burst with clarity and profundity.” For curious cinephiles, the oldest movie on Letterboxd, Jules Jenssen’s Passage de Vénus (1874), makes a cameo. —AY

The Sparks Brothers Directed by Edgar Wright

Conceived at a Sparks gig in 2017 upon the encouragement of fellow writer-director Phil Lord, Edgar Wright broke his streak of riotous comedies with his first (of many, we hope) rockumentary. While somewhat overstuffed—this is, after all, his longest film by nearly fifteen minutes—The Sparks Brothers speaks only to Wright’s unrestrained passion for his art-pop Gods, exploring all the nooks and crannies of Sparks’ sprawling career, with unprecedented access to brothers and bandmates Ron and Russell Mael.

Nobody else can quite pin them down, so Wright dedicates his time to put every pin in them while he can, building a mythology and breaking it down, while coloring the film with irresistible dives into film history, whimsically animated anecdotes and cheeky captions. “Sparks rules. Edgar Wright rules. There’s no way this wasn’t going to rule”, proclaims Nick, “every Sparks song is its own world, with characters, rules, jokes and layers of narrative irony. What a lovely ode to a creative partnership that was founded on sticking to one’s artistic guns, no matter what may have been fashionable at the time.” —JM

Narrative features

The Pink Cloud Written and directed by Iuli Gerbase

The Pink Cloud is disorienting and full of déjà vu. Brazilian writer-director Iuli Gerbase constructs characters that are damned to have to settle when it comes to human connection. Giovana and Yago’s pleasant one-night stand lasts longer than expected when the titular pink cloud emerges from the sky, full of a mysterious and deadly gas that forces everyone to stay locked where they stand. Sound familiar? Reserve your groans—The Pink Cloud wasn’t churned out to figure out “what it all means” before the pandemic is even over. Gerbase wrote and shot the film prior to the discovery of Covid-19.

It’s “striking in its ability to prophesize a pandemic and a feeling unknown at the time of its conception. What was once science fiction hits so close now,” writes Sam. As uncanny as the quarantine narrative feels, what’s truly harrowing is how well the film predicts and understands interiorities that the pandemic later exacerbated. Above all, Giovana is a woman with unmet needs. She is a good partner, good mother and good person even when she doesn’t want to be. Even those who love her cannot see how their expectations strip her of her personhood, and the film dares to ask what escape there might be when love itself leaves you lonely. —SH

Together Together Written and directed by Nikole Beckwith

Every festival needs at least one indie relationship dramedy, and Together Together filled that role at Sundance 2021 with a healthy degree of subversion. It follows rom-com structure while ostensibly avoiding romance, instead focusing on how cultivating adult friendships can be just hard, if not harder.

Writer-director Nikole Beckwith warmly examines the limits of the platonic, and Patti Harrison and Ed Helms are brilliantly cast as the not-couple: a single soon-to-be father and the surrogate carrying his child. They poke at each other’s boundaries with a subtle desperation to know what makes a friendship appropriate or real. As Jacob writes: “It’s cute and serious, charming without being quirky. It’s a movie that deals with the struggle of being alone in this world, but offers a shimmer of hope that even if you don’t fall in fantastical, romantic, Hollywood love… there are people out there for you.” —SH

Hive Written and directed by Blerta Basholli

Hive, for some, may fall into the “nothing much happens” slice-of-life genre, but Blerta Basholli’s directorial debut holds an ocean of pain in its small tale, asking us to consider the heavy lifting that women must always do in the aftermath of war. As Liz writes, “Hive is not just a story about grief and trauma in a patriarchy-dominated culture, but of perseverance and the bonds created by the survivors who must begin to consider the future without their husbands.”

Yllka Gashi is an understated hero as Fahrjie, a mother-of-two who sets about organizing work for the women of her village, while awaiting news of her missing husband—one of thousands unaccounted for, years after the Kosovo War has ended. The townsmen have many opinions about how women should and shouldn’t mourn, work, socialize, parent, drive cars and, basically, get on with living, but Fahrjie persists, and Basholli sticks close with an unfussy, tender eye. “It felt like I was a fly on the wall, witnessing something that was actually happening,” writes Arthur. Just as in Robin Wright’s Land and Mona Fastvold’s The World to Come, Hive pays off in the rare, beaming smile of its protagonist. —GG

On the Count of Three Directed by Jerrod Carmichael, written by Ari Katcher and Ryan Welch

It starts with an image: two best friends pointing guns at each other’s heads. There’s no anger, there’s no hatred—this is an act of merciful brotherly love. How do you have a bleak, gun-totin’ buddy-comedy in 2021 and be critically embraced without contradicting your gun-control retweets or appearing as though your film is the dying embers of Tarantino-tinged student films?

Comedian Jerrod Carmichael’s acerbic directorial debut On the Count of Three achieves this by calling it out every step of the way. Guns are a tool to give insecure men the illusion of power. They are indeed a tool too terrifying to trust in the hands of untrained citizens. Carmichael also stars, alongside Christopher Abbott, who has never been more hilarious or more tragic, bringing pathos to a cathartic rendition of Papa Roach’s ‘Last Resort’. Above all, Carmichael and Abbott’s shared struggle and bond communicates the millennial malaise: how can you save others if you can’t save yourself? “Here’s what it boils down to: life is fucking hard”, Laura sums up, “and sometimes the most we can hope for is to have a best friend who loves you [and] to be a best friend who loves. It doesn’t make life any easier, but it sure helps.” Sundance 2021 is one for the books when it comes to documentaries, but On the Count of Three stands out in the fiction lineup this year. —JM

Censor Directed by Prano Bailey-Bond, written by Bailey-Bond and Anthony Fletcher

The first of several upcoming films inspired by the ‘video nasty’ moral panic over gory horror in mid-’80s Britain, Prano Bailey-Bond leans heavily into both the period and the genre in telling the story of a film censor (a phenomenal Niamh Algar—vulnerable and steely at the same time) who begins to suspect a banned movie may hold the key to her sister’s childhood disappearance. Often dreamlike, occasionally phantasmagorical and repeatedly traumatic, even if the worst gore presented (as seen in the impressively authentic fictional horrors being appraised) appears via a screen, providing a welcome degree of separation.

Nevertheless, Censor is definitely not for the faint of heart, but old-school horror aficionados will squeal with delight at the aesthetic commitment. “I’m so ecstatic that horror is in the hands of immensely talented women going absolutely batshit in front of and behind the camera.” writes Erik. (Same here!) “A great ode to the video-nasty era and paying tribute to the great horror auteurs of the ’80s such as Argento, De Palma and Cronenberg while also doing something new with the genre. Loved this!” writes John, effectively encapsulating Censor’s unfettered film-nerd appeal. —DC

CODA Written and directed by Siân Heder

A film so earnest it shouldn’t work, with a heart so big it should surely not fit the size of the screen, CODA broke records (the first US dramatic film in Sundance history to win all three top prizes; the 25-million-dollar sale to Apple Studios), and won the world over like no other film. “A unique take on something we’ve seen so much,” writes Amanda, nailing the special appeal of Siân Heder’s coming-of-ager and family portrait. Emilia Jones plays Ruby, the only hearing person in her deaf family, at war between the family business and her passion for singing. While Heder is technically remaking the French film La Famille Bélier, the decision to cast brilliant deaf actors—Troy Kotsur, Marlee Matlin and Daniel Durant—makes this feel brand new.

But it’s not just about representation for the sake of it. A sense of authenticity, in humor as much as affection, shines through. With a script that’s 40 per cent ASL, so many of the jokes are visual gags, poking fun at Tinder and rap music, but a lot of the film’s most poignant moments are silent as well. And in Ruby’s own world, too, choir kids will feel seen. “I approve of this very specific alto representation and the brilliant casting of the entire choir,” Laura confirms in her review. Come for the fearless, empathetic family portrait, stay for the High School Musical vibes that actually ring true. —EK

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair Written and directed by Jane Schoenbrun

Perhaps the most singular addition to the recent flurry of Extremely Online cinema—Searching, Spree, Host, et al—Jane Schoenbrun’s feature debut ushers the viewer into a haunted, hypno-drone miasma of delirium-inducing YouTube time-suck, tenebrous creepypasta lore and painfully intimate webcam confessionals. Featuring an extraordinarily unaffected, fearless performance by newcomer Anna Cobb, the film “unpacks the mythology of adolescence in a way that’s so harrowingly familiar and also so otherworldly”, writes Kristen. Not since Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s Pulse has there been such an eerily lonely, and at times strangely beautiful, evocation of the liminal spaces between virtual and real worlds.

For members of the trans community, it’s also a work that translates that experience to screen with uncommon authenticity. “What Schoenbrun has accomplished with the form of We’re All Going to the World’s Fair is akin to catching a wisp of smoke,” writes Willow, “because the images, mood and aesthetic that they have brought to life is one that is understood completely by trans people as one of familiarity, without also plunging into the obvious melodrama, or liberal back-patting that is usually associated with ‘good’ direct representation.” One of the most original, compelling new voices to emerge from Sundance this year. —AY

Judas and the Black Messiah Directed by Shaka King, written by King, Will Berson, Kenneth Lucas and Keith Lucas

It was always going to take a visionary, uncompromising filmmaker to bring the story of Fred Hampton, the deputy chairman of the national Black Panther Party, to life. Shaka King casts Daniel Kaluuya as Hampton, and LaKeith Stanfield as William “Wild Bill” O’Neal, the FBI informant whose betrayal leads to Hampton’s assassination. Both actors have never been better, particularly Kaluuya who Fran Hoepfner calls “entrancing, magnetic, fizzling, romantic, riveting, endlessly watchable.”

Judas and the Black Messiah is an electric, involving watch: not just replaying history by following a certain biopic template. Instead, it’s a film with something to say—on power, on fear, on war and on freedom. “Shaka King’s name better reverberate through the halls of every studio after this,” writes Demi. A talent like this, capable of framing such a revolution, doesn’t come around so often. We’d better listen up. —EK

Pleasure Directed by Ninja Thyberg, written by Thyberg and Peter Modestij

A24’s first purchase of 2021. Ironically titled on multiple levels, Pleasure is a brutal film that you endure more than enjoy. But one thing you can’t do is forget it. Ninja Thyberg’s debut feature follows a young Swedish woman (Sofia Kappel) who arrives in Los Angeles with dreams of porn stardom under the name ‘Bella Cherry’. Although Bella is clear-eyed about the business she’s getting into, Thyberg doesn’t shy away from any of the awfulness she faces in order to succeed in an industry rife with exploitation and abuse. Bella does make allies, and the film isn’t suggesting that porn is only stocked with villains, but the ultimate cost is clear, even if it ends on an ever-so-slightly ambiguous note.

Touching as it does on ambition, friendship and betrayal in the sex business, Pleasure is often oddly reminiscent of Paul Verhoeven’s Showgirls. Or rather, the gritty film Showgirls was claiming to be, as opposed to the camp classic it became. There’s nothing campy here. Kappel is raw and fearless in the lead, but never lets the viewer lose touch with her humanity. Emma puts it well: “Kappel gives the hardest, most provocative and transfixing performance I’ve seen all festival.” “My whole body was physically tense during this,” writes Gillian, while Keegan perhaps speaks for most when she says “Great film, never want to see it again.” —DC

Coming Home in the Dark Directed by James Ashcroft, written by Ashcroft and Eli Kent

A family camping trip amidst some typically stunnin—and casually foreboding— New Zealand scenery is upended by a shocking rug-pull of violence that gives way to sustained terror represented by Daniel Gillies’ disturbingly calm psychopath. The set-up of this thriller initially suggests a spin on the backwoods brutality thriller, but as Coming Home in the Dark progresses and hope dissipates, the motivations reveal themselves to be much more personal in nature, and informed on a thematic level by New Zealand’s colonial crimes against its Indigenous population. It’s a stark and haunting film that remains disorientating and unpredictable throughout, repeatedly daring the viewer to anticipate what will happen next, only to casually stomp on each glimmer of a positive outcome.

It’s so captivatingly bleak that a viewing of it, as Collins Ezeanyim’s eloquent reaction points out, does not lend itself to completing domestic tasks. The film marks an auspicious debut for director and co-writer James Ashcroft. Jacob writes that he “will probably follow James Ashcroft’s career to the gates of Hell after this one”. Justin hits the nail on the head with his description: “Lean and exceptionally brutal road/revenge film … that trades in genre tropes, especially those of Ozploitation and ’70s Italian exploitation, but contextualizes them in the dark history of its country of origin.” —DC

The World to Come Directed by Mona Fastvold, written by Ron Hansen and Jim Shepard

Mona Fastvold has not made the first, nor probably the last, period romance about forbidden lesbian love. But The World to Come focuses on a specific pocket in time, a world contained in Jim Shepard’s short story ‘Love & Hydrogen’ from within the collection giving the film its name. Katherine Waterston and Vanessa Kirby are Abigail and Tallie, farming neighbors, stifled by their husbands, who find brief moments of solace, of astonishment and joy, together. What shines here is the script, a verbose, delicate narration that emanates beauty more than pretence. “So beautifully restrained and yet I felt everything,” Iana writes.

And you can feel the fluidity and elegance in the way the film sounds, too: composer Daniel Blumberg’s clarinet theme converses with the dialogue and tells you when your heart can break, when you must pause, when the end is near. “So much heartache. So much hunger. So much longing. Waves of love and grief and love and grief,” writes Claira, capturing the ebb and flow of emotion that keeps The World to Come in your mind long after the screen has gone silent. —EK

Related content

The 2021 Sundance Film Festival lineup by Letterboxd rating

Letterboxd’s ‘Official’ Top 50 of 2021

Awards Season 2020-2021: our awards-tracker list

Letterboxd’s Festiville HQ: our home for up-to-the-minute festival coverage

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29th September 2019

Revie Wing the chart s

Top 10

For a fifth consecutive week, we have Ed Sheeran taking the top spot with “Take Me Back to London” featuring Stormzy and remixed by Sir Spyro, Aitch and Jaykae. It’s not a bad song but I feel only lack of competition is keeping this at the top. If the #1 wasn’t a spoiler, nothing really happened this week, it wasn’t very busy and we have like two new arrivals so apologies if this is short.

Aitch reaches the runner-up spot once again with “Taste (Make it Shake)”, up one spot this week, and to be honest I’m doubting this song’s #1 potential but time will tell.

“Higher Love” by Kygo and the late Whitney Houston is also up one spot to number-three this week.

Up one space as well this week is AJ Tracey at number-four with the surprisingly long-running hit “Ladbroke Grove”.

Arguably the biggest story here is the new Top 10 entry, “Ride It” by Regard, becoming Regard’s first ever top 10 and top five hit in the UK as it is up six positions to number-five. It’s also Jay Sean’s first top 10 hit since 2010’s wonderfully dated “2012 (It Ain’t the End)” with Nicki Minaj, and first top five since the magical “Down” featuring Lil Wayne hit #3 in 2009. It’s his fifth Top 10 and third top five overall.

Sorry by joel corry is at #6 again it has been at #6 for like 70 weeks who cares

Our second new top 10 entry is by Tones and I with the underwhelming and honestly pretty uninteresting “Dance Monkey”, up seven to #7, but regardless it’s Tones and I’s first ever UK Top 10 hit and that’s a pretty cool feat in the first place. I can see this reaching even further heights though, even if I’m not a fan of the song.

Unfortunately down a spot and seemingly on its way out from now on is Dominic Fike with “3 Nights” at number-eight.

Also down a singular position from last week is “Circles” by Post Malone at number-nine.

Finally, not moving from last week yet still rounding off the top 10 is “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey and Aitch.

Climbers

Like I said when talking about “Take Me Back to London”, this isn’t a particularly exciting week, but we do have a few notable enough climbers and fallers to talk about. Our first climber is “Professor X” by Dave from Drake’s Top Boy soundtrack off of the debut, moving up five spaces to #19, becoming his ninth top 20 hit on the chart, but I doubt it’ll go any further as it really is nothing special especially compared to pretty much everything else he’s made. Also increasing off of the debut is “Wiley Flow” by Stormzy, up a whopping 15 spots to #22 despite being similarly disappointing. In fact, all of our notable climbers here are hip-hop, as “Lalala” by Y2K and bbno$ is also up eight spaces to #32, a new peak for the track, and that’s all we have.

Fallers

If we had a teaspoon full of climbers... we have a teaspoon full of fallers – there is the exact same amount of songs for each section. The most notable drop is indisputably the fall for Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey’s “Don’t Call Me Angel”, flopping 10 spaces from its debut at #2, now at #12, which I expected to be the case but I honestly don’t see this having a comeback or rebound anytime soon even if I like the song quite a lot. Other notable drops here include the hilariously incompetent “Nookie” by D-Block Europe featuring Lil Baby down 12 spaces off of the debut to #28, which is especially embarrassing as this was attached to an album that was released this last week. Finally, Stormzy’s odd choice of releasing a single barely more than a week after the last means “Sounds of the Skeng” has its promo push put to the side for “Wiley Flow”, as the former song si down nine spaces to #40, barely clinging onto the chart.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

The dumb UK chart rule about how one artist must have only three of their highest-performing songs charting at a time strikes again on the same album that it struck last week, but not with a back-and-forth replacement like as with Lewis Capaldi a couple weeks back instead. No, here, “Take What You Want” by Post Malone featuring Travis Scott and Ozzy Osbourne dropped out and was replaced with “Sunflower” with Swae Lee... from the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse soundtrack, meaning a great song got replaced with another great song, albeit here it’s a co-lead song from a soundtrack with various artists, so this UK chart rule really shows how nonsensical it is briefly here. Otherwise, we have three drop-outs to accommodate for the new and returning arrivals here: “Mad Love” by Mabel dropping out from #21 thanks to what I can only assume are streaming cuts after peaking lower (At #8) than I thought it would – although that isn’t the last we see of Mabel this week, “Castles” by Freya Ridings seemingly also suffering streaming cuts with its abrupt drop from #29 and “Ritual” by Tiesto, Jonas Blue and Rita Ora dropping from #36 because nobody really cared about the song there anyway. Returning entries in the Top 40 are twofold and not just “Sunflower”, with “Location” by Dave featuring Burna Boy also making a shock return to #39. I don’t know why and to be transparent I don’t really care (By Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber) so let’s get onto the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “God is a Dancer” – Tiesto and Mabel

Produced by Tiesto and Josh Wilkinson – Peaked at #15 in Scotland

Tiesto exists. You’ve known Tiesto as he’s been here for quite a while at this point, and if you don’t know the name, you know a Tiesto song. He did one with Post Malone last year called “Jackie Chan”, and he got married just a few weeks ago on September 23rd to Annika Backes in the Utah Desert, that was a headline. Oh, and he’s also knighted! That’s something I didn’t expect. Mabel, you should also know, she’s Neneh Cherry’s daughter and an impressive pop singer in her own right. They’ve got a new house-pop single together as you’d expect, and it’s Tiesto’s 14th UK Top 40 hit, as well as Mabel’s seventh... and it’s listenable. Personally, Mabel’s vocals are way too Auto-Tuned here as she is a naturally talented singer and I don’t feel like the distortion adds anything here other than making an already obviously inorganic song even more robotic. The thudding kick drum placed with the cute synth bass that I actually quite like and cheap fake finger-snaps sound pretty disjointed despite there being some genuine groove in the production, and it’s mostly wasted potential, hurt by the non-existent lyrics but honestly it’s probably for the best that it’s a dance song, even if her “ay” inflections are pretty annoying. The background vocals in the final chorus sound pretty great but they’re drowned out by the monotonous beat and honestly, all two minutes and 48 seconds go into one ear and right into the other, until the noticeably abrupt outro. This could be better but it has nothing worth speaking about as it is – the bassline is good so maybe add some more bombastic synths over it and get Mabel to belt or at least enunciate. As for now, though, I don’t think I’ll be exchanging my rhythm for God when it comes to dancers in the foreseeable future. Sorry.

#23 – “Good as Hell” – Lizzo

Produced by Ricky Reed – Peaked at #41 in the US and #12 in Scotland

Now, this song isn’t all that great by any means and far from my favourite from Lizzo, but it is miles ahead of whatever “God is a Dancer” was, although to be fair, the two new arrivals aren’t really comparable as Tiesto and Mabel try for a funky dance-pop club hit while this is a no-holds-barred R&B and soul anthem with feisty vocals from Lizzo. This song is actually from her first major-label release, the overlooked EP Coconut Oil which featured a lot of great R&B tracks, including production from a guy called Christian Rich, whose prolific credits now seem like he is a pop songwriter creating songs for female pop stars but at the time he was producing most of the beats on Earl Sweatshirt’s Doris, which seems like a stark contrast of mood, although this song, originally recorded and released in 2016, just a year before her biggest US hit, “Truth Hurts”, was produced by her main man Ricky Reed. This track is her third UK Top 40 hit after “Juice” and “Truth Hurts”, and I’m not surprised to see that its #23 debut makes it her highest-charting song ever in the UK and I can see this taking off. It’s already being used in several advertisements so that’s got to only be a good thing. Speaking of good things, this song is pretty excellent. That piano riff sounds vintage and crisp, with bouncy 808s backing Lizzo’s sassy sing-rapping as a perfect build-up, especially in that great pre-chorus, before the bombastic release of horns and the powerhouse of a vocalist that Lizzo is throughout the entire track, as well as a choir of... several multi-tracked Lizzos from what I can tell. It isn’t as clunky lyrically or compositionally as “Truth Hurts” yet has a similar mixing issue, as it does feel a tad less dynamic than it could be, as with much of Ricky Reed productions, which usually suffer from over-compression (This one in particular feels like the last vocal track is cut short at the outro, meaning it has a really abrupt and momentum-killing outro that just sounds jarring, especially as the crisp static effect continues afterwards), but nothing is blatantly clipping here so it’s not that much of a problem. Even with everything I have to say about it, I do prefer “Juice”, “Tempo” with Missy Elliott and even deep cuts from Cuz I Love You like “Crybaby” and even “Exactly How I Feel” featuring Gucci Mane – seriously, check that one out, it’s great. Regardless, this is a pretty good song and I’m glad it debuted so high.

Conclusion

This should be evident. Lizzo takes Best of the Week home with “God as Hell”, while Mabel and Tiesto take Worst of the Week with “Good is a Dancer”, which isn’t precisely bad per se, but it just really could have been much better and less generic. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week.

[ericbrandonrp]

warrioroflondonbelow​:

“Mexico? Tha’s thousands of miles away. Wha’ could ye’ possibly want in Mexico? Wha’s waitin’ there for ye’?” All of a sudden, the Scotsman’s blue eyes lit up with wonder and curiosity. A spark that hadn’t been ignited in years. Eric wasn’t the first traveller Richard had heard talking about Mexico. A number of passersby would journey through the town talking about the unexplored country down South. How its curtains of desert glimmer with golden ingots. How there are spices, trades, and wares that the rest of the world hasn’t even heard of. How there’s nothing but miles upon miles of untouched land, just waiting to be explored. Together with the West, people were calling it the new frontier.  Richard let out a quiet chuckle at the mention of Eric hiding a stash of money somewhere in the town. “Of course ye’ did,” he shook his head. “Ye’ really haven’t changed a bit.” He didn’t mean it as an insult. Far from it.

The sheriff’s smile dipped at the roper’s sudden question. “Happy?” his head perked up in thought. “A-… Aye. Of course I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be? I grew up here my entire life. Besides, its wha’ my Da’ would’ve wanted, me bein’ sheriff and all. Followin’ his footsteps was part of his plan ever since. I couldn’t let him down. And even if I wasn’t happy, does it really matter? The town always needs a sheriff. I’m fillin’ the role I was born to fill, ye’ know tha’. B-… But tha’s not to say I’m not not happy. I am happy. Honest.” And yet why did Richard feel a hollow cavern in his chest after saying that? A bitter and heavy taste lingered against his tongue.– Happy. He was happy, or at least happy enough, or so people and his father had said.

“Exactly,” Eric whispered. Thousands of miles away. No one would find him there; he could have led a peaceful and quiet life with the stolen money, maybe even found a wife, settled down. His thoughts got lost in that picture, and he only half-heartedly listened to Richard ramble on. His gaze shifted back up to meet his friend’s. “D’ye even listen t’yerself?” A frown. He stood up and leaned against the metal bars separating him from freedom.

“Happy.” The outlaw scoffed. “Yer da’s dead, isn’t he? So wha’ d’ye worry ‘bout wha’ he’d be thinkin’? Richard, this town isn’t holding a future for anyone. Jus’ look at the people – is Miss Leland still wai’in’ for her husband to come back, sittin’ in her chair? Mister Jonas – he still goin’ grocery shoppin’ ev’ry single day a’ noon straight?” Like clockwork. This town had always been stuck in some loophole, and he doubted it had changed during his absence.

“People claimin’ they’re happy usually aren’t. Ye’re stuck here, Richard – bu’ ye still go’ the chance ta leave. Ye’re young. Leave this place before it’s too la’e. Ye know there’s no future here.” He lowered his head. “Only the past.”

[apromisednightcap]

Tag you’re it!

Thanks for tagging me in this, @guylinerswan​! Tag games are my fave!

Name: Shelby Nickname: splatt, shellbell, shelbs, bellarama, niles, belle, shushell, etc. (i just have a ridiculously long list of nicknames because everyone just secretly hates my name....lolz jk my name just has a lot of nickname possbilities i guess) Gender: Female Star Sign: Taurus Height: 5′ 2′ (i think i put a different height on these things all the time but i’m somewhere between 5′1-3″) Orientation: mmm probably bi to some extent. Hogwarts House: ravenpuff. depends on the day lolz i identify as ravenclaw and think i fit it pretty well but i’ve also been told i fit hufflepuff to a T so who knows? i’ll just say both. Favorite Color: blue and black Favorite Animal: Elephant Average Hours of Sleep: 4-6 hours Cat or Dog Person: mmmmmm i don’t know! i wouldn’t be too bothered with either choice. but i’m feeling in a cat mood so for this i will say cat person. Favorite Fictional Character: (shh! let’s act like this is just a list of one): Emma Swan, Killian Jones, Luna Lovegood, Dr. Meredith Grey, Alec Lightwood, Hermione Granger, Kara Danvers, Barry Allen, etc. Number of Blankets I Sleep With: at the moment, 2! My grey elephant blanket and my grey “S” blanket which are both super soft! Favorite Band/Singer: Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Wild Wild Horses, AURORA, Adele, Sleeping at Last, twenty one pilots, troye sivan, one direction, Nick Jonas(and by extension the Jonas Brothers and DNCE). Dream Trip: England, Scotland, and Ireland. Top Three! Dream Job: i mean ideally something in the entertainment business i just haven’t decided to what extent i want to go with this. i’ve had a little directing experience (and was told i wasn’t half bad) but i don’t think i could handle that much pressure in my life lolz but perhaps assistant director XD When I Made My Blog: original blog was just mostly harry potter, bones, hunger games, etc. back in June 2013 and became a full fledged captain swan / multi-fandomy blog in June 2014 Current Number of Followers: 785 When Did My Blog Peak: meh depends how many tumblr bots there are lurking around lolz but probably peaking around now.  

tagging time!

You get a tag and you get a tag and you! XD

@hookedonapirate, @enchantedlake, @rollyjogerjones, @weasleysquibbler, @hopefulkillianheart, @imharryaf, @aye-captn, @saltwatersky, @itsthegameilike, @katie-dub, @beautyandtheswan, @hopeandbeans, and @killianisacupcake

[anonymoustalks]

But they kept looking for easy salvation die for them sins and they do all sins and live free and expect he make it to paradise to all people

(6-20-20) You both like Religion.

You: hiya

Stranger: Hi

You: I've never used this tag before

Stranger: How are you

You: I'm fine

Stranger: It is ok me too first time

You: are you religious?

Stranger: Yes you can say that

You: oh?

Stranger: Yes for example i never drink never do relations before marriage

Stranger: Do prayer

You: ah

Stranger: So i try my best

You: mhm right

You: where are you from?

Stranger: From algeria

You: ohh that's really cool!

Stranger: And you

You: us

Stranger: Thanks

You: what is algeria like?

Stranger: It's ok beautiful with nice people

You: that's nice

Stranger: It's biggest country in North Africa

You: mhm I didn't know that

Stranger: People are different race than African

Stranger: Called North African

You: ahh

You: how is north african different?

Stranger: Mixer between arab and berber

You: ahh

Stranger: South Africa have black people but north African are different race

You: ahh I see

Stranger: I am talal by the way

Stranger: My name i mean

You: oh okay

You: I don't like to share my name, sorry

You: but it's nice to meet you

Stranger: Yes it is ok

Stranger: Thanks

Stranger: You sound as girl right?

You: yeah

You: is it that obvious?

Stranger: You worry about name because you are young?

You: no not really, I just don't like to get too personal online

Stranger: Little yes but don't worry i do not come to talk bad

Stranger: I just try discuss with people and find friends why not

You: I have one online friend from morocco

You: I never asked her what her life is like

Stranger: Yes it is ok sure you are free

You: is morocco very similar to algeria?

Stranger: We have the same border

Stranger: Anr they anr we you can say same nation

You: oh that similar?

Stranger: Morrocan and Algerian wae before one Land

You: ahh I didn't know

Stranger: Yes in past there was alk consider as north Africa

Stranger: But when occupation of french come it makes border

Stranger: And separate it to countries

You: ahh I see

Stranger: But wr are same nation

You: do you speak french in algeria?

Stranger: W speak Algerian Wich is arabic and mixed with french little

Stranger: In north they use french often

You: ahh

You: sorry I didn't know

Stranger: But for me i don't use it

Stranger: It's ok

Stranger: You are christian right?

You: mhm actually I'm not religious haha ^^

Stranger: It is ok

Stranger: You believe in God or not

You: but I was curious about what kind of people are on this tag

You: mhm I'm not sure

Stranger: I understand

Stranger: So you are type of people who ignore to think about god

You: hm?

Stranger: Not aethiest

Stranger: Just don't think about it right?

You: ohh, yes, that's right

You: I don't really think of myself as athiest

Stranger: It's good

Stranger: Just we need to think about it

Stranger: Because if there is hell and paradise after life we have to work to be in paradise

You: mhm

Stranger: To not lose much

Stranger: After all believe and been good will not tied us to live well

Stranger: We can be good believers and success here and after death right?

You: is your country very religious?

Stranger: Normal not that so hard

Stranger: Normal and religion is good to protect us from hurt ourselves

Stranger: There is no one stop you of doing what you want just people choose to be religious

You: right

Stranger: After all religion and god draw for us the good payh to not get hurt

Stranger: When forbid something just to protect us

Stranger: And don't have to try it and hurt and learn by the hard way

Stranger: And still people are weak and can make mistake and all what needs is redemption

You: mhm

Stranger: And god forgive sins

Stranger: Btw in Islam we believe in Jesus as messenger not god or aon of God

You: yup

Stranger: Cause it is not logical how and why god sent his son to die for sins when he can forgive without killing

Stranger: Also in all bible Jesus never ever ask people to worship him or say i am God

You: mhm

Stranger: In opposite he said. There is no god only the father

Stranger: They true one god is the father

Stranger: When say father not mean his begotten son

You: mhm

Stranger: Because in bible saif about many people as sons

Stranger: For example he said son of God about Adam

You: right

Stranger: And bible said. Anyone led by sperit of god is son of God

Stranger: So word son and father mean just who follow him

You: that makes sense

Stranger: Yes just translation trouble

Stranger: Because bible come by Hebrew

Stranger: Form of hebrow called aramiac

Stranger: And hebrow and arabic are ao close

You: right

Stranger: Can I give you exemple about word father and gos and how can us it?

Stranger: Sorry I talk much hhh

You: sure it's fine

You: I like listening

Stranger: For example in arabic if want say biss of work

Stranger: Or responsible of family wich is the father

Stranger: If translate it word by word we say god of work

Stranger: And god of family

Stranger: Wich mean responsible

You: biss of work?

Stranger: This form ot use of the word god

Stranger: Boss ot work

You: ah okay

Stranger: We say god of work by arabic

You: yeah I did not know that

Stranger: رب العمل

You: god is not a special word?

Stranger: It become special when ay about the god in sky sya allah

Stranger: Because Allah is word used even in jew believe

Stranger: And have no gender and no plural

You: mhm

Stranger: In hebrow bible it written alohim

You: did you study all of these different bibles?

Stranger: I just was interested by religion and search and follow much about it

You: mhm you did not learn it in a school?

Stranger: No I didn't

Stranger: Just self study

You: mhm I think that's really cool to study for yourself

Stranger: By the way you see the idea of die for sine

Stranger: When even bible show with many verses how the work of human matter

Stranger: More and only work wich make human go to heaven

Stranger: Sadly church put many wrong ideas don't exist in bible

You: mhm

Stranger: They worship Jesus even he never said worship me

Stranger: And there is even verses he us like talk to them today

Stranger: He talk in the meaning when he comeback

Stranger: And say him lord lord we do anything by your name

Stranger: And make miracles by your name

Stranger: In last he tell them go away from me i didn't knew you

Stranger: And it's so clear why he said that because they start worship him when he comes to learn them worship the only one God

You: mhm

Stranger: But they kept looking for easy salvation die for them sins and they do all sins and live free and expect he make it to paradise to all people

Stranger: Just by believe in his death

Stranger: When he said in bible verly verly i can do nothing by myself

Stranger: Do you know that even his survive from death proven in Bible?

You: hm?

Stranger: He didn't killed god saved him

Stranger: Have you ever read bible?

Stranger: The story of jonas

You: I have only read small parts of it

Stranger: In part of jonas

Stranger: It talk about how god saved jonas from whales belly

You: ah

Stranger: In the time when israel people come to kill Jesus

Stranger: They ask him for sign or miracle

Stranger: If you want I can look for it and show you

Stranger: Whatever people asking him for miracle he said as Jonas was 3days and 3 night shall the son of Man stay 3 days and 3 night in the heart of Earth

Stranger: So where is the miracle wich Jesus promise to do?

You: mhm

Stranger: He said as jonas anr jonas his miracle was staying alive

Stranger: And jesus promise to show them qs jona

Stranger: As jonas miracle

Stranger: So he survived and prove from Bible

Stranger: You can make sure about what I said for sure

Stranger: I talked alot sorry ☺️

You: it's fine, I went to read about the book of jonah

You: I do not know many of these things

Stranger: Book of jona talk about his story only

Stranger: And the prove of Jesus when he was going to die in other part

Stranger: If you want i will give you the verses

Stranger: Just i don't remember the number but if you wait i can find it

Stranger: Minutes i will find it to you and you will related it with jonas story

Stranger: The story in mathiew 12/39 and 12/40

Stranger: matthew 12 39 and 40 " 39 But he answered and said unto them, An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas: 40 For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.

You: mhm

Stranger: Read the 2verse you will understand that Jesus promise them to show them miracle as Jonas

You: right

Stranger: And jonas miracle was?

Stranger: Survive from death

Stranger: So it is so clear that god saved his prophet

You: mhm

Stranger: God would not let his messenger get offended and be nacked on Cross

Stranger: And killed like that

Stranger: And god don't need blood or sacrifice for forgiveness

Stranger: And everyone responsible for his work

You: mhm

Stranger: Logical you can not punish someone because his father guilty

Stranger: You can not for example catch some person anr put in jail because his brother kikk someone

You: right

Stranger: Punishment and award be for each person work

Stranger: Is not logical and not justice

Stranger: How killer be in paradise because he did crime but believe in Jesus anr forgive his sins

Stranger: Justice is when everyone responsible for his work

Stranger: Even bible said that

Stranger: But they show in church parts and hide others

You: mhm I am not very familiar with what church is like

Stranger: For example how it looks if for example his mother killed by gun did he will remember hee by taking gub in his neck?

You: sorry I'm not sure if I'm understanding

Stranger: It's strange how they talk about Jesus and celebrate his death by cross when they believe he die in it

You: ahh

Stranger: It not make sense right?

You: mhm I dunno, I do not know enough about these things

Stranger: It is ok

Stranger: It's really glad to talk to you

You: yes, it was nice talking to you too

You: it must be late for you

Stranger: You are so open mind and respectful

You: thanks for sharing everything

Stranger: I was hoping that we can talk more about this

Stranger: Or have contact whatever where you want

You: oh sorry, I don't like to share contact information

Stranger: It is ok i understand

Stranger: Just keep looking for true

You: mhm it was really nice talking to you

Stranger: You are good girl

Stranger: And really feel sad that we can not keep on touch

You: mhm I'm sure our lives will go our own ways

Stranger: Because I still have much to talk about

Stranger: Yes it will be

You: in either case good night

Stranger: Just keep looking for god

Stranger: You are good person

Stranger: And open heart

You: mhm I'm not totally sure about good person haha

You: but I think we all try to improve

Stranger: God said anyone looking for truth with open heart god will guide him

Stranger: We all sinners

Stranger: And culture and where we born effect alot

Stranger: I consider myself lucky i born in religious family

Stranger: Even so we still survive and try be good in that hatd world

Stranger: Word become Savage and wild

Stranger: And good manners become rare

Stranger: Finding god is first step

You: mhm

Stranger: And do you know what?

Stranger: When someone revet or become Muslim god clean all his sins

You: mhm I'm not totally sure if I am ready for that haha ^^

Stranger: And become as new paper

Stranger: Yes i know you are not ready

Stranger: Read and take your time

You: mhm thank you

You: have a good night

Stranger: Thanks for chat

Stranger: You are kind

You: you too

Stranger: Have good time

Stranger: I guess still early there

You: yup, I think I will go clean

You: bye

Stranger: Bye

You have disconnected.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 11th November 2018

Okay, I am so sorry this is so late, but honestly I don’t think the Sunday routine works all that well with me personally, so I just moved to my alternate date for maybe the next two weeks. I’m thinking of going for Saturday or Friday with alternate dates on Thursday for next year? We’ll see.

Top 10

And, of course... “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande debuts at number-one. I believe this is the fourth #1 debut this year, two of which were Drake, of course, and the other was “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo. We’ll talk more about it later, but for now, this is Grande’s sixteenth top 40 hit in the UK, her ninth top 10 and her third #1. Congratulations, Ari.

“Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, last week’s #1, is of course down a spot to number-two.

As is “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj at number-three, kept in the top five by its X Factor performance.

Oh, and so is “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith, now at number-four.

“Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora, on the other hand, is one space above its placement last week, at number-five.

Out of the top five now, we have “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo in freefall now, down two spots to number-six.

Up a whopping 11 spaces this week is “Thursday” by Jess Glynne, as I expected, due to an Ed Sheeran acoustic remix and now a video that may just push this one up to the top spot. As of now, it’s her eleventh top 10 and matches the peak of previous single, “All I Am”.

The ever-so-fascinating song “ZEZE” by Kodak Black, Travis Scott and Offset of the Migos is down a spot to number-eight... full-length review of that coming soon, by the way.

“Without Me” by Halsey is up 13 spots to number-nine due to the Colin Tilley-directed video, and becomes what I believe to be only her third top 10 (two of which are number-ones, funnily enough).

Finally, Post Malone and Swae Lee’s “Sunflower” returns to the top 10 after a one-spot increase, rounding off the top 10 (which is actually pretty good this week) with a fantastic song.

Climbers

Outside of the top 10, there’s pretty much nothing here I should bother with. Yeah, those are the only notable jumps this week, other than “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson bouncing up six spots to #22, I guess, but it’s not like that song’s any interesting.

Fallers

Now this is a very different story. There were so many fallers this week, although not many of them really have any value. I mean, sure, there were basically hundreds of one, two or three-space fallers, but who cares about them? Let’s focus on the fortunate five-space fall for “Arms Around You” by XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee, Maluma and with honourable credit to Rio Santana, now sent back to #19. Same fall goes for “Better” by Khalid too (although that song is much better, for the record), now at #24, right next to the big story here – “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille plummeting 18 spaces to #23, because I’m pretty sure it’s time for its streaming cuts, which affected Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino’s “In My Mind” to a much heavier extent, because, Jesus Christ. It’s down freaking 32 positions to #40. This could have easily dropped off straight from number-eight and that’s pretty crazy. Now, rapid-fire: “Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is down five to #26 while “MIA” by Bad Bunny and Drake and “Shotgun” by George Ezra are down four to #29 and #30, “Ay Caramba” by Stay Flee Get Lizzy with Fredo and Young T & Bugsey is down six to #38, and, to my dismay, “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish also falls down five spaces to #39.

Dropouts

Right before the new arrivals, might as well mention the dropouts here. “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B is out from #31 (the beast has yet to be slain in the US, it seems), “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong has dropped out again from #35, “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando has exited from #37 after having a pretty good run, “Venom” by Eminem has been bit down to the bottom of the charts as it drops out from #38, “Kiss and Make Up” by Dua Lipa featuring BLACKPINK has fallen out from #39, and finally “I Want You to Freak” by Rak-Su is out from #40.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “A Million Dreams” (Reimagined) – P!nk

Apparently there’s been a “Reimagined” edition of the soundtrack for the musical The Greatest Showman (that has just had his songs finally leave the top 40 after months of “This is Me” dominating), adding covers of the musical’s songs by Kelly Clarkson and Panic! at the Disco. This is the second time I’ve had to cover this song on this show, since the original version also charted, and my opinions haven’t really changed. This is P!nk’s thirty-second UK Top 40 hit, and easily one of her least memorable. Everything feels quite plastic in the production here other than that pretty nice guitar melody but it’s nothing new and nothing all that interesting, with the strings adding some extra melodrama to a pretty-sounding but otherwise kind of useless, typical piano ballad. P!nk has some real power to her voice like she always has, and that pounding percussion is pretty effective in giving it that extra “oomph” but I’m not feeling it here. This shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you if you’ve seen other episodes; I just don’t like ballads as much as I really wish I could, I guess. Oh, and this is way too long. After less than two minutes, I get bored – and this is more than double that.

#35 – “I Found You” – benny blanco and Calvin Harris

benny blanco seems to be striving for a solo lead artist career, and his first venture after the massive success of “Eastside” is to pander to the UK crowd he’s been doing so well with, by collaborating with one of our favourite Scottish DJs, Calvin Harris, and disregarding that oddly eerie cover art, this is benny blanco’s second UK Top 40 hit as a credited artist and Calvin Harris’ thirty-third, and it’s pretty awesome. It starts with that guitar or organ riff repeating with Calvin Harris actually performing vocals (yeah, he can’t sing but it works here) in a deeper register, creating an odd atmosphere before it’s immediately retconned for some brighter synths and disco-inflected deep house grooves, because that’s the road Calvin’s been going down lately, but it still keeps me on-edge with those haunting background vocals in the hook, and that pitched-down vocal fragment that repeats is such a taunting melody. Man, and that riff returning in the bridge with only the backing vocals is pretty creepy as well. Yeah, absolutely nothing works the way it should here, and that is just perfect – nothing goes as plan and it still bangs. Nice one, guys. I recommend this... for all the wrong reasons.

#33 – “Baby” – Clean Bandit featuring Marina and Luis Fonsi

What a strange combination. Reggaeton singer and accidental meme-pioneer Luis Fonsi performing on a duet with synthpop critic’s favourite Marina Diamandis, this being her first single without “the Diamonds” (who didn’t exactly exist in the first place, it’s always been a solo venture) over a beat from orchestral-EDM fusion outfit Clean Bandit? I mean, I’m up for it, but this wasn’t expected to say the least... although looking into it Marina’s collaborated with the group before so maybe it’s not too out of left field. Anyways, this is Clean Bandit’s eleventh, Marina’s sixth and Luis Fonsi’s second (after “Despacito”) UK Top 40 hit, and it’s okay. This instrumental feels pretty cluttered with a 808 bassline on coke desperately following the slick guitar strumming, but they can definitely keep up with Marina’s beautiful voice on the track, as well as Luis’ pretty good (albeit shorter) performance, with the hats in the drop being a nice addition, but then there’s another drop for some reason, and it’s completely different, adding horns and just becoming more Latin-inflected because the rest of the song isn’t at all, really, just relying on the guitars and Fonsi to handle that crossover appeal. When Marina and Fonsi start singing completely different melodies on top of each other while the drop is still playing, I feel like way too much is going on, and it’s not mixed in an interesting or well enough way for me to forgive. This isn’t for me, but I can see other people liking it, it’s just a bit too messy for me.

#27 – “Empty Space” – James Arthur

I don’t like this guy at all. His voice is unrecognisably familiar at best and aggravatingly incomprehensible at worse. I have never heard a single song I can stand from the guy, especially after his “comeback”, in fact I’d argue he’s just gotten so much worse with songs like “Naked”, “Sun Comes Up” and especially “Say You Won’t Let Go” – oh, God, that one’s unlistenable. Anyways, this is the X Factor series nine winner’s ninth UK Top 40 hit, and it’s probably not his worst one, but it might as well be because it is still pretty terrible. James Arthur sounds bored like always over the pseudo-aggressive indie-ish production that starts the song off until we have a bit of trap percussion he rides well, right until it abruptly switches to him belting with bottle caps up his nose for unlistenable pre-choruses, especially since nothing drowns him out. It’s just him, his guitar and those only – and even when the strings and percussion comes in, it just gets worse because the drums aren’t fitting – this isn’t a motivational track. That chorus with Arthur nasally repeating “space” with tiny little chipmunk vocals placed in there at somehow exactly the worst moments. Oh, and that final drop with all the four vocal tracks going on at once, none of them even half-decent, is audio torture, especially with all the synth noise that absorbs the trash and just regurgitates it with all the spit still lingering all over it. What an excruciating three and a half minutes.

#16 – “Polaroid” – Jonas Blue featuring Liam Payne and Lennon Stella

Jonas Blue’s been here before – he’s a mainstream EDM producer who’s made songs I love like “Mama” and songs I hate with a burning passion like “Rise” with Jack & Jack, Liam Payne we haven’t really talked about but he’s one of the One Direction boys that you all know and love. Lennon Stella is a bit of a different story. She’s a 19-year-old actress who shaped her career out of the TV show Nashville – I’ve never seen it and can’t comment, but it involved a lot of singing and country music from what I can gather, so it’s understandable that it should be in her best interests to start a pop music career, and she did so with a couple singles here and there, but this is her first ever UK Top 40 hit (congratulations), Jonas Blue’s seventh and Liam Payne’s sixth as a solo artist. It’s here because of an X Factor performance, and it also sucks mostly because it’s nothing to write home about, ironically for a song named after memorable photographs. It starts with those fake finger-snaps, as background laughter and chatter fills up the mix, before an abrupt semi-drop that just kind of clouds the song with synth noise as Liam Payne uses what seems to be his lower register (proving that he just pretty much can’t sing, can he?). Oh, and the actual drop is not catchy at all, like it’s so forgettable. Lennon Stella doesn’t perform very well at all either, but yeah, the chorus isn’t a new or memorable melody, and while I like that it’s an EDM song that focuses less on the drop as its source of climax, it makes the song miss the point – and doing so, it also misses the mark.

#1 – “thank u, next” – Ariana Grande

And finally, it’s the big one – Ariana Grande’s new single where she rattles off her ex-boyfriends and thanks them for what they’ve helped her learn and how they’ve assisted in her growth as a person – in one, very non-descriptive verse, but it’s there nonetheless – and comes to terms with herself as a human, realising she does not need what she perceived as a necessity – to always have a partner. Basically it’s a self-confidence anthem that only Ariana can really relate to specifically. If you twist it around a bit it would apply to you but without any of the names changing, that’s just how it is... and it’s all over a smooth R&B beat. Ari sounds great like always, I don’t even need to comment on that, but when that warbly bass slides in after just a few seconds of just the keys and vocals, that’s just beautiful. The beat throughout is wrapped in silk and just dripping swagger, fitting Ari’s low-key verse delivery and even limiting herself in the chorus where she’s supposed to burst like usual – but nah, she doesn’t all that much. It’s there, but relegated to ad-libs and nothing else, which is good because that catchy-as-all-hell hook could not be delivered better. If I have any issues, it’s that the ending is a rushed, abrupt fade-out which adds so many additional musical elements that could have easily been developed afterwards, and that the lyrics may be a tad too passive so the whole thing comes off as disregarding even keeping to herself and instead still being boy-hungry, especially in the chorus, where the whole “thank you, next” phrase just doesn’t really make sense to me in the context of the song, especially since she implies she’ll be moving onto the next relationship. She does elaborate in the second verse, but it still irks me like all my little nitpicks do. Otherwise, great song.

Conclusion

It’s a middling weak overall, with obvious stand-outs at each end of the spectrum. James Arthur gets Worst of the Week for “Empty Space” as Dishonourable Mention goes to Jonas Blue, Liam Payne and Lennon Stella for “Polaroid”. Best of the Week is obviously going to going to Ariana Grande for “thank u, next”, but she had close competition with the Honourable Mention this week, benny blanco and Calvin Harris, for the wonderfully incompetent “I Found You”. See ya in a few days!

at1 \lsdpr

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 30th September 2018

I said last episode was going to be short (it ended up not being all too short at all) but, honestly, this episode is even more rushed, even more slap-dash and probably even shorter, despite how many new arrivals there are to talk about. The UK Top 40 is feeling really uninteresting for me right now and I think focusing on other projects like my own music, BLAST TO THE PAST and my upcoming year-end lists is what I’ll be doing until January rolls around, or at least something interesting happens. Anyways, that’s enough of me rambling, here’s the top 10.

Top 10

How to describe the top 3 songs in a nutshell? “How?” How is it still here? How is it still being successful? First of all, we have “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith not moving at number-one despite a clear lack of any real hook.

At number-two, the runner-up spot, we have “Eastside” by benny blanco, Khalid and Halsey, also not moving despite a clear lack of any real... anything, really.

And at number-three, we have a meme overstaying its welcome, as “I Love It” by Kanye West and Lil Pump featuring Adele Givens is still at number-three in its third week, due to insane streaming.

“Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille unfortunately moves up one space to number-four, which means...

“Body” by Loud Luxury and brando is kicked down a spot to number-five.

“Taste” by Tyga and Offset is hanging in there, not moving at number-six.

“Electricity” by Silk City and Dua Lipa, however, has moved up three whole spaces to number-seven.

In case that was too much excitement, glorified mash-up “In My Mind” by Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino is staying still at number-eight.

We have a new entry into the top 10 at number-nine, with “All I Am” by Jess Glynne, making way for the album release.

Whilst all this is happening, however, “Falling Down” by Lil Peep and XXXTENTACION debuts at number-ten, and man, I don’t want to talk about this, so let’s just skip straight to the Climbers first.

Climbers

There’s one of them, and it’s only a five-space increase for “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings, entering the top 20. Good song and all, but geez, those are all the notable climbers? That’s kinda sad, and telling of the charts right now.

Fallers

Now this is where it gets slightly more interesting. First of all, Eminem: “Lucky You” featuring Joyner Lucas is down five spaces to #13, whilst “Fall” lives up to its name, plummeting 12 spaces to #25. Just to be fair to Em, however, I might as well mention “RAP DEVIL” by Machine Gun Kelly leaping off a cliff down 15 positions to #30. Hip-hop and R&B didn’t have a great week overall, actually, with “FEFE” by 6ix9ine and Nicki Minaj featuring Murda Beatz down six spaces to #34 and “God is a woman” by Ariana Grande falling nine spots to #39, while EDM suffered as well, as “Don’t Leave Me Alone” by David Guetta and Anne-Marie jumping down nine spots to #27, and “Rise” by Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack NOT living up to its name as it slips down six spaces to #38. Oh, and “Youngblood” by 5 Seconds of Summer is making its way down the charts, eight spaces down to #37. It had a good run.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Adding to Eminem’s losses is “The Ringer”, dropping out from #17, joining “Ay Caramba” by Stay Free Get Lizzy featuring Fredo and Young T & Bugsey out from #40, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble out from #35, “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa out from #39, “Solo” by Clean Bandit featuring Demi Lovato out from #38, and very sadly, “Panic Room” by Au/Ra and CamelPhat out from #34, as one of the many, many drop-outs this week, making way for our SIX new arrivals. Let’s get into them, starting with a name I haven’t heard in years.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Guiding Light” – Mumford & Sons

So, you remember Mumford & Sons, right? The somewhat insufferable folk-rock band that had a major mainstream burst in the early 2010s because they were... actually a pretty weird time for pop music, but great for indie pop, which I guess Mumford & Sons can creep under. I’ve never necessarily been a fan of Mumford and his sons, but I’ve never listened to a full-length project either, so I can only form opinions off of the hit singles and, yeah, they don’t do much for me. So, has this new single given me any hope for your next record or at least any desire to listen to it?

Yeah, no. Hell, no. This really sucks. The dude’s voice is more nasal than ever, and there’s no rhythm in the constant guitar strumming and poppier piano melodies. It just feels all too still for what it is; I appreciate the electric guitars in the mix after the second verse, and the chorus isn’t necessarily a bad hook, it’s just that the song is monotonous and unfinished. The transitions are choppy, the songwriting skills are simply not there, some synths are pushed into the bridge for no reason, and more importantly, it’s almost cluttered, especially in the final chorus. This could have used some polishing but that’d probably be even worse – then it’d also be boring, and, yeah, I’d rather have it subtly infuriating.

#31 – “Better” – Khalid

Oh, Khalid, how I love your mellow voice and how I hate your hit-and-miss production. I hated “Love Lies” and “Eastside” for just feeling like bland, dull re-hashes, but “Young Dumb & Broke”, “Location” and “OTW” really hit the mark for me, so, with this new single, I’m curious to what he brings with the table... and unlike “Love Lies”, Khalid wins the battle of similarly-titled hit songs against Post Malone, as under that bouncy trap percussion, simple piano melody, female spoken word vocal samples and the seductive murmuring from Khalid is a real groove in that bassline, which I really like. That hook is catchy and fun too, with the added finger-snapping in the bridge just being the cherry on top. It’s not a masterpiece by any means, and I really would like some more natural percussion or some more intelligible vocals from Khalid (although I do like how they’re treated in the vocoder during the final chorus), but it’s a pretty great R&B track, with some subtle throwbacks to classic 90s music of the same genre (the talkbox) that I appreciate, that I simply do not have much to say about. Khalid will go down as a legend for making some of the most blandly fantastic music, I’m telling you. I recommend it, but don’t expect to exactly remember how it goes.

#21 – “No Stylist” – French Montana featuring Drake

So French Montana really does have a surprisingly large fanbase here in the UK, or at least sizeable enough for him to pretty frequently debut at similar positions. This track in particular, however, had the help of a Drake boost, meaning it could have potentially debuted in the top 20, and probably will rise to the top 20 next week or so. Does it deserve that? No, of course it bloody doesn’t, it’s a French Montana song. Sure, the Latin trap-inspired beat is okay and I do like the guitar loop, but the repetitive autotuned chorus with falsetto Montana is pretty freaking awful, the vocals (and to an extent, the instrumental) is mixed horribly, and Drake’s contributions are basically nonexistent – his verse is as short and cookie-cutter as a Drake verse could potentially be. This would be a waste of anyone’s time to listen to. You can get better Latin-influenced trap, you can get better Drake and you can get better music, full stop. Skip this.

#14 – “Let You Love Me” – Rita Ora

Rita Ora has never exactly impressed me as much as I think she should. I hated “Girls”, but a lot of her work is just mediocre and plain, which is typical of a UK pop girl with consistent success, but also pretty exhausting as a critic having to talk about her every few weeks, and this new single from her upcoming album isn’t really any different. It reminds me way too much of benny blanco’s “Eastside” for its own good, mostly because similarly to that song, it follows that recent washed-out, minimalistic tropical sound without adding any twist or great execution to give it any point in really existing... Rita Ora’s vocals are really not great on this, and no matter how much the finger-snapping and synth explosions in the chorus and drop (as well as that weird reverse instrumental moment) try and desperately add anything new to the song, it doesn’t succeed and this is just another disappointment from Rita Ora. Sorry, but this isn’t it.

Wow, four songs in a row, all of which, of varying quality, are not worth talking in-depth about, incredibly forgettable and most importantly of all, not interesting, on either side of the spectrum. I have nothing to talk about when it comes to Rita Ora, Khalid of French freaking Montana, however I do have a lot more to say about this next artist (and I’ve already said a lot).

#13 – “KILLSHOT” – Eminem

Weeks ago, we reviewed “RAP DEVIL” by Machine Gun Kelly, a great instrumental ruined by sloppy flows, a garbage hook and some really pathetic disses. It didn’t even seem worth Marshall’s time to return and hit back at Kelly, and I don’t think he even did that here – his bars aren’t consistently top-notch, the beat is just a pretty typical trap-rap beat that I heard on Kamikaze about 13 times, and he could have of dug even harder into MGK (especially with that shovel he had in the “RAP DEVIL” music video), but Eminem, even when he has a couple blunders, rarely ever fails with diss tracks, as he knows right where to hit them. He starts the song mocking some of MGK’s stranger disses, like how his beard is weird, before going straight into the verse, where somehow he sounds pretty awesome whilst blatantly lying about having relations with Rihanna, because, of course he does, it’s Eminem. On top of interpolating his hit song “Stan” to reference Kelly’s constant complementing of Em on “RAP DEVIL” and older Tweets, he brings up how Eminem’s age, although being referenced in “RAP DEVIL” frequently, was completely irrelevant, as at 45, Em still outsells Kelly... by a freaking landslide. His flow switching up throughout is pretty fantastic, and I love how the song works outside of the diss for the most part. He also lands some essential Eminem diss-track lines, such as, uh, asking the victim what he’s eating?

Are you eating cereal, or oatmeal? / What the f***’s in the bowl, milk? Wheaties and Cheerios? – Eminem, “KILLSHOT”

Your mouth is open, you’re disgusting, what the f*** you eat for lunch? What, you munch a bunch of Crunch and Munch? – Eminem, “Big Weenie”

Although it’s best we just don’t mention “Big Weenie” at all...

Pippity-ka-ka-poo-poo! – Eminem, “Big Weenie£

Some of the highlights of “KILLSHOT” include lines about how Em made his career just to destroy it a week later (which seems currently to be entirely true seeing as how Kelly has been doing since), and him going as far as to just briefly develop old rumours into borderline conspiracy theories about how Diddy shot 2Pac (although he IS just playing, as he clarifies later on), although not all lines hit. Kelly’s not exactly a “mumble-rapper”, Eminem criticising Auto-Tune is hypocritical and the “dictionary” hashtag rap line is just bloody stupid. He ends off pretty effectively, though, saying that Kelly should “leave Em’s d*** in his mouth and keep his daughter out of it”, referring to a few tweets Kelly made about a 16-year-old Hailie a few years back. Oh, and I can’t forget my personal favourite line:

How you gonna name yourself after a damn gun / And have a man-bun?

#10 – “Falling Down” – Lil Peep and XXXTENTACION

Okay, yes, as much as it sickens me to see two tragic deaths being milked by the label so blatantly without any care for the fans or the original artists’ wishes and how we’re replacing an openly gay rapper’s verse with someone who nearly beat a gay man to death in prison for looking at him, as well as putting him on the same track as Lil Peep, who stated several times before he died that he didn’t like X, just to add insult to injury, and as much as it sickens me to see the scripts flipped after the release, as ILoveMakonnen and each rappers’ families covering up the fact that it is graverobbery due to label pressure and their fear of bad publicity is frankly disgusting on the label’s part, I’m trying not to care because I feel like too much attention on that will cloud my judgement on the music, and, well, like most of X’s music, it’s hard to separate the art from the artist. Listen, I love this beat to death, the synths and guitars are so cutesy and fun, but Peep’s vocals perfectly contrast them in their rough emo angst (no, X adds nothing at all worthwhile to the track until the interlude, but we’ll get to that). It’s a fun emo-pop bop that although I feel guilty doing so, will probably be listening to... or at least I would, if he didn’t have an annoying spoken word interlude with X talking about Lil Peep’s death, and how it intrigued him to watch interviews and collaborate, which parallels a certain situation with X, who will soon be featured on hit singles by Lil Wayne and Kanye. Oh, and the fact that I’m pretty sure Peep says “Ko’” in referral to ILoveMakonnen on the chorus, which does kind of put me off considering Ko’s no longer there, but that’s not an issue and I could be easily mishearing “come” as Genius lists the lyrics as currently.

Conclusion

Okay, so, six new arrivals, four titles. Eminem would get the Honourable Mention for “KILLSHOT” if not for the implications of “Falling Down”, but with them, he gets Best of the Week. A tied Honourable Mentions between Lil Peep, XXXTENTACION and Khalid for both “Falling Down” and “Better” sounds like a nice compromise. French Montana and Drake clearly earn Worst of the Week here, for “No Stylist”, but the Dishonourable Mention for Mumford & Sons with “Guiding Light” is giving them close competition. See ya next time!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 19th August 2018

This is probably just gonna be a bit of a slap-dash episode since I just finished my list of the best and worst hit songs of 1994 and I’m kinda drained, but we’ll still have to get this out so here it is. REVIEWING THE CHARTS for the week of 19th August, 2018.

Top 10

First of all, we have a new #1... but it’s not exactly new at all, since it has been #1 for a few weeks before, it’s just returned to the top spot after it usurped Drake. I’m not mad at all that this is our new #1 – I may not be fond of it, but it’s better than Drake. George Ezra’s “Shotgun” is up one spot to #1.

Speak of the devil; here’s Drake with “In My Feelings” featuring City Girls, down a space to number-two. I hope it stays there, or better yet, decreases even more, although it still has the stronghold over “Shotgun” in streaming.

Not moving from last week at number-three is “No Brainer” by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper and Quavo.

Surprisingly, “Eastside” by benny blanco, Khalid and Halsey has zoomed past competition as it’s increased eight spaces to number-four.

“Rise” by Jonas Blue featuring Jack & Jack has since gone down a single space since the success of “Eastside”, leading it down to number-five.

At number-six, we have a two-space increase for Loud Luxury and brando’s “Body”, which I’m glad is increasing as much as it is, even if it’s just for the fact that they’re both relatively unknown artists.

Oh, yeah, at number-seven, we have “Youngblood” by 5 Seconds of Summer down two spaces.

Unfortunately,”Jackie Chan” by Tiesto and Dzeko featuring Preme and Post Malone has jumped two spaces down to number-eight.

Meanwhile at number-nine, the identical hit has effected “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B, which is ALSO down two spaces.

Thankfully, NOT down two spaces, is “Taste” by Tyga featuring Offset. Not sure how I feel about a pedophile featuring a homophobe having a song (that I personally like) in the top 10 of both the US and UK, but that’s a whole thinkpiece I won’t be writing.

Climbers

Unsurprisingly, there are a few big gains but otherwise nothing of note here. In terms of smaller six-space gains, we (sadly) have “Nevermind” by Dennis Lloyd up to #19 and “Ocean” by Martin Garrix and Khalid up to #25, but we also have an inexplicably massive gain for “079ME” by B Young, up 11 spots to #28. Please don’t let this become a top 20 hit, just for the sake of preventing humanity and society crumbling under your hands. Oh, yeah, and pathetic human being Nicki Minaj had her album Queen release, so naturally “Bed” featuring Ariana Grande (who will also have some gains due to HER album next week) increased up 15 spaces to #23.

Fallers

Naturally, we have two losses for Travis Scott after ASTROWORLD had three tracks debut on the chart last week. “SICKO MODE” featuring Drake and Swae Lee is down six spaces to #15, while “STARGAZING” is, tragically, down 12 to #27. However, there’s only one other loss, and it is just an absolute collapse for “I Like It” by Cardi B featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin, down 17 spaces to #31. It’ll undoubtedly be out next week, unless people revenge-stream Cardi because of the nonsense Nicki’s been spouting for the past two weeks, I don’t know. That probably won’t happen but it’d be kind of funny to see Nicki not get the #1 album after how desperate she was, and then have her “rival” succeed, though pitting female rappers against each other is borderline sexist and does not help normalise females in a more-often-than-not male-dominated genre, which is something Nicki could actually learn from... Huh. Anyway, this isn’t a Nicki Minaj roast, she has a new entry so I think I’ll rant about her there.

Dropouts

Well, we have a few utterly demolished tracks that dropped out this week, like “Butterflies” by AJ Tracey and Not3s now out from #22, “Oh My” by Dappy featuring Ay Em struggling as it’s been kicked out from #27, and “CAROUSEL” by Travis Scott featuring Frank Ocean being pushed out from #29, but that’s it, and there’s no Returning Entries either, so welcome back to:

The Ed Sheeran Update!

“Perfect” is down only a single space to #61, and “Shape of You” is up a single space to #76, somehow. Can these just go away, please?

Now to the part all three of you were waiting for...

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “When I Kissed the Teacher” – Lily James, Jessica Keenan Wynn, Alexa Davies and Celia Imrie

You probably shouldn’t be doing that.

Anyways, this is an ABBA cover, straight out of the hit musical Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, which I actually checked out because, my, my, how could I resist it? Well, it’s okay, not particularly my thing, but definitely watchable, however I am surprised that it took this long for a song to get into the top 40. Let me preface this by saying I strongly dislike the ABBA version, mostly because of the... interesting vocals and how everything feels so manufactured and pretty sickeningly sweet, which is incredibly unfitting for the subject matter. I don’t like the song at all, but I’d recommend “Scandalous Scholastics” by Gym Class Heroes for a better take on a student-teacher affair. It’s a pretty awful track but at least it’s a bit groovier and has some darker swagger, as well as an eerie yet catchy chorus, which is actually pretty creepy in some way, especially that it’s implied that 1.) they had sex, 2.) Travie McCoy, the singer, is still in school. He gets into some detail and the charismatic “so sexy!” ad-lib I know Travie for... yeah, well, this is the only time it should not be there, in fact, do NOT check out that song, what am I talking about? It’s horrible.

This cover, though, is somehow even worse. I don’t know who’s singing at what points because, honestly, who cares? Nevertheless, the instrumentation is cookie-cutter yet still over-processed so that it drowns out the singers, who try to belt and struggle, with some not-at-all subtle multi-tracking from seemingly better singers that isn’t helpful at all. I do like that they have more charisma for the most part, making the admittedly funny geometry line sound so much better, and I do appreciate the fact that there are female singers talking about a female teacher – now, that’s cool – although it doesn’t really make much sense in the context of the film, at all, because I’m pretty sure they all have male love interests. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m not sure if your teacher is the best to experiment with, Lily.

#37 – “Don’t Leave Me Alone” – David Guetta featuring Anne-Marie

David Guetta, okay, you’re cool, you’re fine, I like you. Anne-Marie, nope, go away, please. I liked her in “FRIENDS”, initially, but, man, she can definitely become pretty insufferable. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good singer, but the attitude and forced faux-Jamaican inflections rub me the wrong way. You know what else rubs me the wrong way? How the beginning of the song sounds like stock Windows-activating sound effects. It sounds like it’s a buffering loading screen for God’s sake. Regardless, Anne-Marie sounds okay and I do like the subtle touch of the guitars and especially the piano chords under Anne-Marie and I believe Ed Sheeran harmonising in the pre-chorus, right before a pretty cool Vocaloid drop. I have really grown to love these things, as you can probably tell from my “Solo” review, and this was am especially great one, because the autotune is turned up to insane levels and the vocals sound like they’re stretched and manipulated over the hard-hitting but pleasant synth tones. The combination of the drop and some of the vocal chops with the pre-chorus melody is just fantastic. I can look past the flat production in the verses if that chorus is as incredible as it is. Damn, that surprised me. David Guetta, you win again, and I’m excited for your upcoming album.

#36 – “Barbie Dreams” – Nicki Minaj

Okay, let’s get this over with. This track caused a lot of buzz because it’s basically a tribute to a Notorious B.I.G. song full of light-hearted disses torwards people who she is friends with, and you know, I like a bit of pointless rap beef and some disses can be pretty fire even if they are completely uncalled for. I mean, I prefer hard-hitting, absolutely awful personal disses like when Pusha T slaughtered Drake and held his decapitated head over a building in “The Story of Adidon”, but I like a bit of light-hearted no-harassment-intended jabs so, let’s see what she’s got.

Well, first of all, I love the slick beat and her flow is pretty nice too. Too bad it’s all taken from “Just Playing (Dreams)” by Biggie. This is a remix then? Okay, well, you didn’t preface it as such, but that’s fine, using someone else’s beat isn’t bad as long as you spit some nice bars over it. So, what’s the “Queen of Rap” got for us? Well, she starts with some complements... yep, she just says she wants a man to settle down and have some kids, and either them or the man will look like Lil Wayne or Dave East, but they’re already fathers, so I’m assuming she wants a man who is as good of a dad as Wayne and Dave are to their kids. That’s a very nice thing to say.

Man, I ain’t got no type like Jxmmi and Swae Lee

Okay, but the song you’re referencing by Rae Sremmurd, “No Type”, makes it pretty clear that they’re joking when they say they don’t have a type, given by how they immediately contradict that statement?

I ain’t got no type / Bad b****es is the only thing that I like – Swae Lee, “No Type”

Oh, they’ve actually tried to argue that “bad b****es” are NOT a type? Okay, well, then, secondly: That’s not a diss, that’s just mentioning them in passing.

Then she gets into some admittedly funny (and probably true) disses to 50 Cent, making some nice wordplay with other members of G-Unit like Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks. That’s all fine and dandy. Then she mentions Karreuche Tran... Tran... Tran...

Used to f*** with Young Thug, I ain’t addressin’ this s**t / C-caught him in my dressing room, stealing dresses and s**t

Okay, well, that’s insensitive and incredibly uncalled for. If the dude wants to reject typical gender norms, more power to him, but Thugger, you probably shouldn’t be stealing her dresses, man, and I’m pretty sure this is related to that, and is no way meant to be offensive or transphobic.

They switchin’ like sissies now – Nicki Minaj, “Majesty”

On the same album? Uh, I mean, well, okay, but maybe that’s also misinterpreted...

First they love you, then they switch / Yeah,they switch like f****ts

Yeah, okay, 1.) I’m not uncensoring that word, you know what it is, and 2.) Yikes, Nicki! I know that was back in 2009 but these recent lines prove you haven’t changed, in fact, all of these recent antics prove you haven’t changed, at all! You collaborate with a pedophile, then you try and play the feminist angle – after collaborating with an absolute scumbag who respects women as much as a tampon made out of bricks – to explain why your album didn’t get to #1, although it still sold pretty well, even though you don’t label yourself as a feminist as you’ve stated before. In fact, this whole track is just to stir up controversy and attention, isn’t it? You wanted that #1 album so desperately that you added a song that’s not even by you to your album, then you put out a lot of trash merch, some of which was promoting 6ix9ine, all of which came with a copy of your album, made JAY-Z give you a discount code on TIDAL that literally gave the album away for free, however, due to a faulty system, made all albums on TIDAL free to download, probably causing serious financial issues in the future for Jay, leading to him having to release the rest of Prince’s discography onto Spotify (not necessarily a bad thing), and reported fake news when you were projected to sell 190,000, only to be proved to sell less when the final numbers were released, all for a #1 album, which you only wanted out of spite for Cardi being more successful than you, because, I don’t know, she’s not an absolutely trash human being who doesn’t know how to promote a damn album? I guess you could say the TIDAL issue wasn’t her fault, but, yes, it was, as if it wasn’t for her own desperate need for a #1, the code wouldn’t exist at all. At least that’s only one line, right? She doesn’t cross the line otherwise.

Shout-out Desiigner ‘cause he made it out of special ed

You called a man struggling to hold onto his crippling career which is still under the hands of Pusha T’s mismanagement, being forced to constantly promote himself because his label definitely isn’t, who’s probably in debt right now, and just desperately trying to pick up the pieces to still live while doing what he wants to do – music, trapped under a label that doesn’t let him succeed, who released a better and more consistent EP this year than any project you’ve ever put out, retarded because of the energy he puts into his songs, which you, missy, are severely lacking in, despite the fact that your mentor and person you want your husband to be like, Lil Wayne, was in the same dire situation for nearly a decade, and you and Drake have been carrying him and helping him still strive in the industry while he’s being trampled on and confined by the tyrant of a label owner Birdman? Yeah, nope, not having it, you’ve lost all my respect, Nicki. I don’t usually focus on lyrics as much as I did here but when they’re this ignorant and disgusting, I think I’ll stream Cardi instead, you petty, little child.

Conclusion

“Don’t Leave Me Alone” easily gives David Guetta and Anne-Marie the title of Best of the Week, as Nicki Minaj takes Worst of the Week for “Barbie Dreams”. Hopefully I’ll have calmed down by next time. See ya!