#i mean idk how other ppl would rate this pain

[semiotomatics]

i find it funny when my head hurts cause its like, youre already the cause of literally every single other problem i have. and now you hurt too? unbelievable

[zo1nkss]

Damn OP. I was going to keep this in the tags at first, but idk if it would fit or not bc sometimes I can be a bit wordy.

Not to bring the energy down at all, I just didn't get quite as emotional over Izzy's death as ik many others in the fandom did but it was still an intense emotional moment. That said, it wasn't until reading this post that I understood why and more specifically, that I shed a few tears about it. Because something u said really stuck out at the end there.

"-and WHAT a powerful thing for queer love, especially, to be presented as the thing that heals us."

This show being named "Our Flag Means Death" has had a particular effect on me since day one. To me it's representative of the original Gilbert Baker Pride Flag. I'm reminded that Pride started as a riot to fight back against the rampant death rates of our community members, and how we have been taught by cishet society our whole lives that we are all but marked for death.

As a trans person, my life expectancy ends in 2.5 years. That is something I have thought about every day since I was 15; the emotional impact of death is something we as queer people are not given much space to escape or cope with healthily. And I think that is such a powerful thing to represent and to show, how much that hurts and mangles a person's coping skills. How devastating that is to live with, early death as an inevitability. I think piracy is such a great era of history to show that through, too, because it is so effectively done through that lens.

A lot of queer people who flocked to the show early on, too, also lived most of our lives with dead role models. My uncle was the only queer person I knew of until I was 11-12, he died before I was even born. Queer love as a healing force was only fed to us by other queer people, in the most niche and hard-to-find spaces out there. It wasn't in our cartoons or our teen dramas or our family shows. It wasn't in our horror as the driving force of goodness and morality. It especially wasn't a mainstream comedy with deeply romanticized story beats.

Seeing queer love be the inherent balm that soothes the pain of living, of being, of sirviving a world that hates you - maybe not even for being queer but for something else entirely - has been life changing. And I completely understand ppl feeling so disappointed that he's dead, but I truly feel Izzy's death being a stark reminder that queer love can and will heal all is something so powerful. And most importantly, it's something we all deserved to feel at some point in our lives.

okay, here’s my actual thoughtful post: I get why people are upset about the finale…I really do. but I want to mention that there’s a bigger picture to this story that’s missing if you’re zooming too close onto Izzy as a character, and I’m honestly so grateful that the show stuck to the thematic arc it introduced in season 1 because, as per usual, it’s about the themes 🤌 and this show never skimps on the symbolism!!

so here’s the thing: the primary themes are toxic masculinity (& it’s opposite, queer joy); trauma; love as a healing force for the above; and, title alert—DEATH. because it’s so much more than a cool title!

now, Izzy has always represented something metaphorical about all of these points; most directly, he’s always represented masculinity, and s2 has been an arc of toxicity deconstruction. but crucially, he’s also represented all that for Ed, who is the deuteragonist of this show. because—don’t forget—Stede and Ed are the show.

I’ve always doubted myself for feeling this after seeing how fandom saw Izzy as a third romantic figure (which like by all means have a blast in your fanfics I don’t care it’s about joy at the end of the day and pursue that as you want to), but after hearing something about djenks referring to Izzy as a father figure, it confirms a major point for me—Izzy is also in a lot of ways a parallel to Ed’s dad, and a representation of the trauma and guilt Ed felt from that formative killing. for so long, Izzy was an aggressive shadow in Ed’s life, and a tangible reminder of those daddy issues—someone telling him what to do, keeping him Blackbeard—and the beautiful thing is how that changed this season, how Izzy became a version of masculinity that could love and be beautiful and make good from the hurt, the literal poison into positivity. someone antithetical to his own paternalistic force, healing our daddy issues one drag show at a time. BUT, Izzy is still thematically representative within Ed’s arc—and by also representing the trauma that made Ed “Blackbeard,” it does make smart writing sense as to why Izzy died (NOT saying you can’t be sad about it—stick with me for a moment).

because here’s the thing—as aforementioned, this show is also about DEATH. killing is the root of everyone’s trauma, and reconciling a relationship with death is the ultimate arc Ed and Stede are both on, with the ultimate path of learning to live despite its inevitability. there’s a reason it was such a huge thing that Ed couldn’t personally kill, and then in this episode killed so many people with his bare hands in the name of love—and there’s a reason that was framed as a good thing. and there’s also Ed’s (and arguably Stede’s) active suicidality, which has been a huge force driving this season. these are characters who see death as this all-consuming thing, and they see their own deaths as the only solution. death is the traumatic force driving almost everything about their being for so long—and its reconciliation is everything for them, the greatest sign of growth. so Izzy’s death, and everyone beginning again with love—healing each other with love—is a cap to it all. it’s death as a positive force, for once. it’s death as love, not trauma. it’s death as something that will always happen, but this time not forced by your own hand. it’s a death to everything toxic, to what “Blackbeard” represented, and all the while a sort of rebirth. it’s kind of a death to…death? it’s functionally like the real physical moon replacing the giant romantic imaginary orb: it’s taking the thing that’s been artificially morphed in Stede and Ed’s heads and making it real this time, with all the bittersweet emotions that come with tangible reality.

and honestly, I’m glad that it was tragic and emotional. I didn’t think I’d be so devastated to see Izzy die, but it really did get to me, especially because of everything he said to Ricky and then to Ed. but think of it this way: Izzy and Ed might be romantically compelling because they were toxic and charged (and I hope people still enjoy everything they get from that dynamic in fan work), but imagine if the show had actually gone in that direction—where would it take us thematically? it would kill the thesis; it would be love as chaos and entertainment, but not healing. instead, this show gave us something so much more powerful: a legitimate, fully-fleshed trauma arc.

trauma hurts. Izzy’s death hurts. but that’s okay. that’s great, actually! it means the storytelling was effective—that Izzy’s arc made you feel something. and i know this won’t be every viewer’s experience, but honestly? I’m glad I can have this grieving process in such a beautifully framed light in the safe space ship of this show, because let’s be real—death, real life death, fucks you up. and let me tell you, I could’ve used this show during so many episodes of grief in my life. but here it is now, reminding us that our grief and trauma doesn’t define us—and WHAT a powerful thing for queer love, especially, to be presented as the thing that heals us all. ESPECIALLY when so much grief and death in this community is woven so deeply with the trauma of our identity.

so grieve as you need to, but don’t forget to turn the poison into positivity 💛 because that’s what the show is telling us—choose live, despite!

[tofindloveinpoison]

Iconic Fanfictions ive read two years ago and what I currently remember of them:

I will premise this by saying that these fanfics were famous only in certain specific niches of the internet, and that when i say that a work is badly written or i critique it in anyway it?s just my opinion from what i vaguely remember, whihch might not be correct. 

Fanfics below the cut: filthy lucre, asotm, twist and shout, the hat and lung fics, anatomy of a fall, throam, unholyverse. feelfree to add what you remember of “famous fanfics” you’ve read.

tw for mentions of: sexual assault, violence, animal abuse, pedophilia and some other upsetting topics. 

The Milk Fic

Oh my God this was bad but not nearly as extreme as other fics. An iconic and shocking read i do not recommend, but if you really want to read it it will not ruin your life, your month at most. 

From what i remember at least the sex was consensual aaaaaaand i don’t remember any other good/decent aspects about it. 

Very famous, a lot of ppl have read it, gerard way said it was “well-written” but honestly it wasn’t.

( original? ryden version) 4/10 because of lack of actual crimes.

Filthy Lucre

So bad i don’t remember the plot. They’re prostitutes i think? there definitely was an abusive relationship and the sex scenes were so bad i had to skip all of them, meaning i read the whole thing in half an hour.

Really terrible, they don’t end up toghether and that’s the only interesting element. I recomend no one reads this unless you are literally dying of boredom.

(frerard version) 1/10 because its a completed work, but at what cost

Twist and Shout

This is considered one of the good ones and you know what? for iconic fanfiction standards it’s not bad at all, decently-written with actual characters that don’t feel, like most fanfic characters, like bad ooc versions of the original.

How about the overcomplicated plot tho? I don’t remember a thing except for the homophobia (its set in the 50s-60s), the war, the Elvis songs, one cute sad beach scene and one of the protagonists dying of aids. Maybe they also watch star trek,idk; lots to unpack. 

If you want to suffer and you have lots of free time i recommend it, i skipped most of the sex scenes but there is an actual plot so that was not a problem.

(original Destiel version) 8/10 bc I don’t remember how they handled the aids thing but it made me uncomfortable, might be just bc of the upsetting subject matter but i don’t remember

The Hat Fic

DO NOT READ THIS THING. Go read the milk fic if you want weird but not this one please. A milk enema is NOTHING. Contains animal abuse and i don’t remember how consensual the whole thing was.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THIS MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE TO THIS DAY I FEEL SICK WRITING THIS. There is a whole subset of early phanfiction centered on being as disgusting and upsetting as possible and i think this started it.

I higly doubt anyone got off on this but still the possibility unsettles me.

(original phan version )  -8233983743764346/10 should be illigal to talk about it. We should all agree to Damnatio Memoriae this thing.

A splitting of the Mind

Some people insist on treating this as one of the good iconic fics but it’s bad. 

So bad its actually an interesting read if you feel like analizing some text, trying to see what is so appealing about it, despite its evident flaws.

The age gap is 19-16 so not as bad as the Other Iconic mcr Fanfic About Doves that i did not read bc from what i remember it was basically pedophilia/grooming but i might be wrong. God the bar is so low

Portrayal of mantal illness and trauma was truly a shitshow, the writing was not great but also not horrible. The sexual assault elements upset me greatly but it might be just bc of the subject matter

pros: unreliable narrator done decently, ray toro’s character saw the future looking in cereal, characters are characters and not merely names (not to be confused with actual good characterization), nothing else.

(original frerard version) 5/10 for the effort honestly, but i do not recommend this unless you are mentally ready for some heavy topics handled poorly.

The Lung Fic

This was written with the goal of shocking the reader, in the same vein as all hat fic/ milk fic copycats.

 Should be more upsetting, given it contains gore, pedophilia and a bunch of other disgusting madness (maybe mpreg?), but it just reads as a fanfiction taboo list.

Not worth reading at all, clearly intentionally designed to shock and disgust to the point where it’s obvious.

0/10 i don’te remember which version, irrelevant, don’t waste your time

Anatomy of a fall

Contains ghosts, high school au, possibly resurrection or death, idk.

I don’t remember this being particularly offensive in any way, but its been a long time. Then again i did not read the sex scenes so it might contain necrophilia and i wouldn’t know. (i checked and no necrophilia, just “weird supernatural sex”)

is it well written? no, but it’s not outragiously badly-written. Is it funny sometimes? yes.

 In the context of this list, this might be a good one, in any other context probably not. I might be biased bc i love ghost stories in general and this one does not contain sexual assault if i remember correcly. (The bar is soooo low)

(original? frerard version) 7/10 bc ghosts and funny aND IT HAS ILLUSTRATIONS (vietnamese translation available)

 The Heart Rate of a Mouse

Good but not in the classical meaning of the word. It contains some Hot TakesTM on human sexuality, substance abuse and unhealthy relationship(s).

Its set in the 70s so the homophobia is there and she is thriving. Wonderful internalized homophobia, really 10/10 for that.

The sex and the plot sometimes intersect, putting me in the uncomfortable position of having to  read smut or not knowiong what is going on (0/10 ).

Well written for the genre (=beloved fanfictions that are rarely redeemable); characters are original and flawed, even interesting sometimes.

The plot is three pubblished books worth of plot available for free on the internet and that is a blessing. I suggest reading this as if all the characters are OCs and you found this book forgotten on the train and decided to read it. 

But is it actually good as a story? idk its a lot honestly, if you have to quarantine for 14 days bc of covid and you don’t have anything to study, this will fill at least 4 full days of reading.

(original version)8/10 bc it has everithing but its still not a masterpiece of modern fanfic literature sorry

Unholyverse

Contains Demons, priests, scarfs, exorcisms(affectionate), vergin mary tatoos and much more. Not as carefully written as throam or tas, but it still makes it as one of the good  fanfics solely for the cool factor.

It would be so cool if this was better written and a comicbook or a grafic novel with original characters.( I skipped all the sex scenes bc they made me uncomfy, as usual so idkwhat was going on there)

If there was anything extremely upsetting about this one i forgot about it (i checked: they say “ warnings for religious themes, pain, trauma, blood, torture and death”). There is a lot of plot, its not even just one fic its a whole serie. 

Great for passing the time, I forgot most of it 7/10 for the demons (original version)

[chasseuses]

reasons why i love jade leech part 3

I don't know why I'm doing this again I am a big fool goodbye ☠️ but ahhahahwhahjwhsjfhfjfnfkbdsjbdkdbjd im a doormat for him so. haha. I'll just. fukcignvkjgknv everyone pls look away this is the last post i swear 🤩

Part 1, 2

So.... 🤡 Hi I'm back again with another simp post I'm your local Jade simp and I'm here to point out reasons why I'm an absolute doormat for this eel and why I'm staying as one.

I'M FUCKIFNCGD. SCRVEN AMWIANAJWBAJVWKQVWKAGAKAVDKFBYKDGSKEIANSJAMEINSLENDKEBEKSBEKSHEKDJEKSJRKDJRKDHSKDHKEHSKEBSKEJDLDHDKDBDKHRKDBEKSHEKSUSMS

Ok so, URGFKFHDKDUDKSJSKFHDKGDKDHD if you've been here long enough or something i think i posted something about his initial birthday suit up illustration here which i wrote while i was sobbing and being overly emotional over him.

BUT BASICALLY. IT WAS ABOUT HIS SMILE. I MEAN RTHGJKHJGK JADE LEECH..... SMILING.............N N .VJV.JV. WITHOUT ANY ULTERIOR MOTIVES...... IM FUCKFING DEAD YO!!!!!

HEAR ME OUT. I JUST GJVKJGKVNGKV ... dont u think there's just something about someone as shady as jade who looks shady 90% of the time look like he's not shady for the first time ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ

idk if that made sense but yeah.

ALSO IDK IF ANYONE WAS SIMPING HARD ENOUGH TO NOTICE BUT LIKE 😭 IF U COMPARE HIS HANDS TO FLOYD'S THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

and now if you've known me long enough to know that i am a big fan of his hands, you'll know that i went absolutely crazy over this detail!!!!!! THEY WERE ROUGHER THAN FLOYD'S AND THAT WAS JUSTHGJJGKGKFNKFKGNGKGNFKDDJFKGNGKFJF A DIRECT HIT TO THE GUT WHAT THE FUCK DISPLEX YOU CANT DO THIS TO US 😭😭😭😭😭

do u see the fork he's holding?

yeah

i wanna be that fork so bad

im not even kidding

i legit want to be that fork.

why?

.

haha.

you dont need to know

ANYWAYS. ONTO THE STORY 🥰

we got a lot of lore for the twins this time around and i am tHRIVING :BIBBEK:

"However, and this is unusual for me, but so many people wishing me ‘Happy birthday’ has made me rather embarrassed." HELP?????????&(&!4(£;#(-__8-##(-_(£+£(£ I II I I I I HUCHJWNWISHEJDHWOHSKWGSKSYAKGSKA HI KAUAKSGKAGSKSGSJAYJAGSJAGAJSYSIGSJGSJSHSJAHsks

Their mother!!! Uses!!! -san!!!! At the end of their names!!!!!!! Which got me going 🧐 that is not usual at all!!!!! wtf is going on in the leech household

a lot of ppl theorized mafia stuff and all of that which honestly makes sense imo and also because i find that hella hot HAHSMDGSKDHKSJS mr leech...... 😳 mafia.... HELPGKFJKGJFKF

wait. won't that mean he's rich.

bonus points eyy /j GFJFHFJDHJFNF

"Well, they do say that married couples take after each other… It’s good that they get along well." MR LEECH YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE RFNJVJKHKGKGKOGJGKVJKFCKIJGKTJKFFJKDHDKXHFFHFJ

guys im losing it

if that wasn't already obvious RHUFHGUF

HELLO????????? ONE OF THE REASONS WHY HE LIKES TERRARIUMS??1?"!"!'! HELPFKVKV CONTROL IT'S CONTROL

"Whether they live or die is also up to me…" i just think.

no i dont think but you get what i mean why the fuck is that line lowkey hot lmfao something is wrong with me

i dont knwo why the fuck but the fact that he likes unpredictability is also kinda????? lmao how boring was ur life that everything u did went exactly your way 😭 how does that bring u amusement i cant relate gomen mr leech

or am i completely wrong idk 🗿 mr leech tell me more about you onegai

Ok honestly, before the birthday card came out, I thought their earrings were like,,, from their parents or something. like heirlooms!! i thought they were precious in that aspect but what i rlly didn't expect is for them to fckinghgkgngknfkf FIGHT A DAMN STURGEON FOR ITS SCALES 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

deadass why would a sturgeon challenge them anyways 🧐 and the twins were just like, "ok sure but can we have your scales if we win" and they rlly did 😭 just how strong were you guys before middle school wtf!!!!

and they turned the scales into earrings 🧐 which is now what they wear!! p cute

they're apparently popular to use as amulets in the coral sea so i. i fucking rotted over this AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA hrufhfigjofhckfbcjc should i delve deeper into this? no. but perhaps you can find out what my rot is about just by reading this single bullet

"Floyd and I have gone near beaches on nights with fireworks as well." HELEPEHLEPDFKLEGSLDOSODB EGHFKCNDKMCURLDHLDGSMX

WATCHIFNFG FIREOEKSKF WITHHF JADE AJFNJFVJFHKDHF

ohmigod this is getting way longer than intended 🤡 should i continue

yeah fucj it HFJVHFJHCJFHJCJ everybody pls ignore my rot 😌

as all of you know, jade wears purple eyeliner. that's right.

Purple eyeliner.

Why does this matter, you ask? Oh sweet summer child, it may not matter to you but to me—eyeliner is super fucking hot I kid you not I started crying at night when I thought about this and wrote a mini essay about it like a fool so I'm just going to.

I am legitimately losing my shit over this like-?? Who allowed you to fucking put on eyeliner? You're already deadly without them and more so with them.

It honestly makes me wonder if he puts this on his own or not but seeing how deft he is with his hands, it's not a stretch to assume that he puts it on his own.

And I find that really hot since look at those clean strokes..!! He's better at applying them than me. I have this desire to let him do my makeup but when I think about it I start making incomprehensible noises and bury my face into my pillow. Purple eyeliner just-? Looks so good on him?

It should be illegal at this rate he looks so tempting I hate it. Sometimes I just have this urge to ruin in, I don t care how I just want to smudge it for some reason. Like deadass, I just want you all to appreciate how good his eyes look!

HELP HIS EYESDHFHTKHEKFHDKFHDMFHKDHFKSGDK IM FUCKFINDG LSOING IT

WHY DO I LOVE HIS EYES SO MUCH I DONT FUCKING KNOW I'VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF CHARACTERS WITH MISMATCHED EYES BUT WITH HIM IM JUSTHGJJFJG KG NVM

His eyes are fucking beautiful, man. 🤡💞 Could stare at them for hours and never get tired!!!!

Need I say more?

BRO IM FUVKGIGNVJKGVKNGKFHFKFFJF HIS TEETH IM CRYIGGN WHAT THE ACTUALLY FUCK I KNEW THEY WERE SHARP BUTJGKVJGKGJFKGJCKFJKCFJKFFHKCJFKGJDOFHKDHFKDHDKDHDJ BARKBARKBARKBARK

I mean what 🗿

guys displex is insane because they literally made jade have two ssrs in a row with banners that were available at the same time do you know how painful that was for me

when jamil bday card dropped all i lost ebg because i panicked over the thought of a jade bday card and started saving!!! and i did!!!! i managed to save up 100 pulls and i was so fucking chill after that but then,

abema stream happened

i was asleep when that happened so when i woke up i had like 283628 pings in discord telling me that he has an ssr for the halloween event and i was just 🗿 yo say sike his bday is soon displex must be joking

haha nope! they were dead serious.

that shit was painful i started crying 🤡 what the fuck because i didn't have enough gems for both ssrs and his halloween card was just absolutely beautiful.

so i went insane and saved 200 copies of the same jade card in attempt to make him come home before pity so i dont have to whale

I mean,

Black nails.

The bandages.

The harness.

The hat is kinda ugly but that's ok.

THE BELTS AT HIS WAISTFJTKDJRKFBFKFHOFHDKDHDKSGDKSHSKXHSKJS

SO I WAS REALLY DESPERATE AHHSHDHFJFGHJFJF THANKFULLY THEY BOTH CAME HOME BEFORE PITY SO TYSM JADE I LOVE U FOR THAT AHAHJAHDJ

oh shit this got long so imma just end this here 🐬 if you read this far, congrats HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

[t0bey]

tbh I don’t know why ppl rate the executions in the first place, like they’re ALL horrible and brutal jggjdh. And yeah as someone who wrote a fic about the possibility of survival for each killer’s execution, Mondo’s is....so terrifying.

GRAPHIC VIOLENCE MENTION ///

i mean you can technically rate em on how painful they would be to the person experiencing it? like if you compared chiaki getting squashed in a second to korekiyo or teruteru getting boiled alive (and korekiyo having his literal existence erased permanently through his soul getting destroyed) some seem more painful to me than others idk

[headofhelios]

For the ask thing: I can’t imagine shipping the invisible man 1933 with anyone but I do want to hear your invisible man 1933 thoughts. Also the T-1000 if you want!

oh ABSOLUTELY i'm doing both!!!

'33 INVISIBLE MAN

How I feel about this character DR. JACK GRIFFIN MY BELOVED!!! MY BESTIE!!! he's SUCH a neurotic little weirdo and i love him. the original transgender mad scientist. the origin of guys with fucked up unhinged laughs (his laugh inspired the joker laugh!!!). when he rocks back and forth and clenches his fists? I Get It. when he said "Even the MOON is frightened of me! Frightened to death! THE WHOLE WORLD is FRIGHTENED TO DEATH!" YES! KING! WE LOVE YOU!!

All the people I ship romantically with this character OKAY i also cannot imagine like . Shipping him w characters BUT that said his relationship w flora is pretty cute (his little "oh! you're wearing that hat, the one i always loved on you :)"... cute... also the way hes only normal around her and does everything to try to give her a good life... he's sweet i enjoy him)

My non-romantic OTP for this character see this is hard because he has like. no friends ucbdjfbfhf BUT he and flora would still be so so so sweet as besties!!! and there IS something about his line to kent about Why he left to finish his invisibility solution in another village ("i couldnt bear for you to see me fading away like that" or something) IS sweet and i feel like on jack's side it was a very important, close friendship (but i feel like kent thought much less of it just based on how quickly he wants to make a move on flora when jack's missing.) OH AND IF WE WANT TO GET INSANE W IT. i feel like he and herbert west could be besties. or they'd try to maim one another.

My unpopular opinion about this character ARE THERE ANY OPINIONS ON HIM? um you know what actually i'm probably the only person in the world who headcanons him as a trans man. like idk he has the same "trying to be god" thing that local tboy swag haver herbie w. has plus personally i attribute my Wanting-To-Be-Invisible as a child to being transgender. so. also throughout the movie people are horrified by the thought of his invisible body something something peoples horror at trans bodies. this makes sense in my head i promise ♥️

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon I JUST WISH HE'D GET MORE ATTENTION... dr. jack griffin my favorite guy jack griffin... hm i do also wish there had been a few more scenes where his old self shines through, like the scenes with flora, but mostly i just want him to be appreciated hfjfhffh he's fun! he's a silly goose! he derails trains!

1995 T-1000

How I feel about this character MY GUY!!! he is my favorite boy. he is my bestie. he is me. he is everything i want to be. i am so insane about this guy. he transed my gender SO fucking hard when i watched t2 for the first time. if it were socially acceptable i would name myself t-1000. i wish i were joking

All the people I ship romantically with this character the rev-9. i'm only half joking about this. ik ik the popular thing is him and the t-800 whatever i dont see it. him and the rev-9 though? Yes. Yes. fucked up robot boyfriends will make each other worse will murder people with knife arms as a date. liquid metal terminators stay together babe!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character i have a whole post t2 au but basically: i want him to be hate-besties with the t-800 (the t-1000 wants to maim him so bad but also they understand each other on a lot of things) AND ALSO i want him to be john's other robot uncle but significantly less responsible. he rents horror movies for john and sneaks him into r-rated movies. also he has to be told several times not to murder children who are mean to john.

My unpopular opinion about this character ohhh man. oh man. honestly i think its kind of unpopular to post abt him on tumblr and NOT ship him w the t-800 but i just dont see it i dont GET ITTT i have TRIED. but i just dont see it im sorry 😔 and then off tumblr. if i tell the average terminator enjoyer that the t-1000 is transgender i feel like they might attack me. but i'm right. also some ppl seem to think that the t-1000 doesn't feel emotions even though it clearly does? it shows confusion @ the mall mannequin, it expresses shock + pain in the steel mill, "i know this hurts"... plus it goes out of its way to keep things it enjoys (using the motorcycle even when it would be faster to run up the stairs, keeping the biker boots + pants on after switching outfits) and thats not even getting into the fact that the molecular brain is SO human.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon OH BOY. okay part of me understands WHY it was cut and appreciates the decision to cut it. but also part of me does still wish that the scene wherein the t-1000 locates an encampment of the connors allies and kills them all like some fucking slasher villain had at LEAST made it as far as the scriptwriting stage!!! give me my horror scenes in terminator movies!!!

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 31

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: not many ppl give me feedbacks these days so idk if ppl are losing interest or just busy but yea, i miss it. also, i know i normally update every other day but most likely, my next chapter will be up sunday and not saturday because i have plans! thanks!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i changed them a bit to fit the story but i hope you like it!

Chapter 31 : His chapter

NIALL

I had everything packed for days but I had hidden all my stuff in a wardrobe, in my room. Still, my eyes always moved there by themselves as if i was dreading all of this. It was like that specific wardrobe was on fire and I had simply closed the door and ignored it. I didn't want to think about being away from her.

I had spent all my time with Olivia when I was not at rehearsal but I already missed her. I had no idea how tough it would be to be away from her for weeks but I knew it was going to be bad. We often ended up at my place just to cuddle and watch tv simply because it was easier and we didn't have to always check if we were papped or recognized. We also didn't have to stop ourselves from showing each other affection which was a good thing because I knew we'd have to restrain our impulses when she'd join me on tour.

I felt her foot run up my leg under the table and put my gaze back on her, making her smile as she held her glass of wine up.

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

My lips parted and she chuckled, taking a sip of her glass. It was her third one and I grabbed my own, tilting it a bit to make the dark liquid move as I looked at it.

"I'm sorry, pet, what were you saying?" I asked, looking up in her eyes as she sent me a sad smile.

"Just that I'm jealous you're going to Ireland." she pointed out. "And without me, too."

My heart ached at the thought and I moved closed on the table, leaning my elbows on it.

"Come with me. I want to start this tour with you."

Her eyes went soft and she tilted her head on the side, glancing down at her hand before looking up at me and I just knew she was going to refuse. I could also read in her eyes that she wanted to come, and that the answer she had to give me really hurt her.

"I can't. We start filming in 2 days. I have a scenes and I have to check the text and everything." she explained before sighing. "I wish I could come, though, I miss it."

I felt something twist in my heart but I was not sure if it was because she couldn't come with me or because she was about to spend time with her ex fiance. Perhaps it was a bit of both, and when I felt her foot move up my leg under the table again, I held my breath.

"So I hate to ask but, how do you feel about playing the girlfriend of the man you were supposed to marry?" I wondered, putting my glass back on the table and leaning against my chair.

Her eyes dropped to her plate and her foot moved away from my leg. The atmosphere felt heavy suddenly and I had the feeling that she didn't expect me to ask this question. It was our last dinner together and I had made sure I cooked something she loved, turn down the lights with the dimmer, bought her fave wine and put music in the background. But I was ruining it at the moment and it bothered me.

"I didn't know when I should tell you I just..." she sighed and looked up in my eyes, tilting her head. "I texted Dylan and I'm supposed to go for dinner with him tomorrow night, after you leave."

I put my fork back in my plate and frowned, pressing my lips together. "Should I worry?"

"No. But it's important that we have a good connection.. or at least that we don't hate each other." she explained with a shrug. "I want to know how he feels, and what he wants. I mean, I'm new to this business, but I want to make things right."

I reached for her hand and she looked up. I sent her a small smile and nodded. "Hey, I get it."

She licked her lips and squeezed my fingers, holding my hand and grabbing her glass with her other one. She took a sip and finally let go of my hand. It only took a minute until I felt her foot on my leg again and this time, the left corner of my lips moved up.

"You can't help it, can you?" I joked with a chuckle.

"Nop!" she replied with a smile. "I have to always touch you."

"What are you gonna do when I'll be away mm?"

This was meant as a joke but her smile fell and she shrugged. It suddenly made me think of all the nights I'd fall asleep without her, all the morning I wouldn't wake up holding her, all the meals I'd eat without her. I grimaced and shook my head.

"I keep ruining this evening over and over, don't I?"

"No, all your questions are legit." she just said in a soft tone, tilting her head on the side. "I don't know what I'll do when we'll be away. Hold my pillow against me and pretend it's you, perhaps."

"And when you're horny?" I asked with a smirk.

"Hump my pillow and pretend it's you." she replied quickly, making me laugh.

"I don't want to go." I let out in a whisper, making her raise her eyebrows. "I mean yea, I want to go out there and do music but, I can't stand to be away from you."

She stared at me with soft eyes and let out a chuckle but there was no amusement in her tone. It sounded more like sadness, or something that came close to nostalgia.

"It's true." I added, making her shake her head.

"No I know, I was just thinking... if you had never broken up with me, I would probably had followed you, you know? So we would be together. But at the same time, I'd still be that fragile, insecure person that depends on you and, I don't want that." she admitted with a small shrug. "I like who I've become, and I love my job. I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who follows her boyfriend everywhere without having her own projects, her own life."

I held my breath and licked my lips. I knew what she meant, and I totally understood, but I didn't feel like I ever saw her as this dependent and fragile girl she was talking about. Was I just blind to it?

"I think you don't need someone who'll just follow you around. The times you were the most attracted to me were the times I didn't need you, the times I knew what I wanted, who I was and what I deserved. I mean, I know you love me because of who I am, but you were drawn to me more when I wasn't all over you."

No matter how hard I thought, I couldn't decide if she was right or wrong but if she was right, I really never did that on purpose, and I never even realized it.

"One time, when we were apart, I missed you so much and I couldn't handle it anymore. You had moved here, and I read on your web site that it was the premiere of your tv show." I admitted, shaking my head and looking down at my glass before quickly taking the last sip. "So I put clothes on, grabbed a cap, and went to the premiere."

I looked up only to see her frowning with her lips parted. I had all her attention and it made something stir in my stomach.

"I waited a few hours just to see you, and when I did, I just watched you pause for the cameras, flashes everywhere, and all that shit. You were with Dylan but I barely noticed him because you were literally glowing. I was seeing you happy. Very very happy. I remember trying to find a time where you were this happy with me. And I realized that you didn't need me anymore." I waited until she looked up in my eyes again to keep talking. "You've always been a strong and smart woman, but at that very specific moment, I knew I was not important anymore. You didn't need me, you didn't long for me anymore, and even if I tried to convince myself that you would always love me somehow, it was fucking tough."

There was a moment of a silence and she just pushed the air out of her lungs as a small smile appeared on her lips.

"That day I could swear I saw you, and... I thought I was hallucinating you. Black cap, white Nike shirt... I came to the conclusion that my mind was just playing tricks on me. I knew I was not over you but I was trying to move on and when I lost you in the crowd I decided you weren't really there." she chuckled again but her lips curled too. "It was really you."

"Yep, was me, i'm sorry."

She stared at me some more and slowly, her head tilted on the left and her lips curled more.

"You really never stopped loving me." she pointed out in a murmur, as if she was now realizing it, or believing it.

"Not a second, Olivia."

She teared up suddenly and I felt my heart break. I reached for her hands as she let tears fall down her cheeks. I didn't want this, I didn't want to make her cry, or hurt her, and here I was, doing exactly that. Again.

"I'm so sorry, Liv, please, I'm sorry." I repeated, my face twisting with pain. "Please, come here."

I pulled on her hands and she breathed in, getting up as I spread my legs to give her space. I felt the need to get her closer, to feel her body against mine and I just tapped my thigh, making her chuckle through her tears and shake her head.

"Sit down." I whispered, sending her a sad smile.

"No," she sniffed. "I'll crush you."

"Sit the fuck down."

She raised her eyebrows but her smile was still intact and she moved away to let me press my thighs together before sitting on me. One of her arms wrapped around my neck and she moved dangerously close, making my lips curl more. I could see every trait of her face, from the gold around her pupils to the little scar near her mouth from when we were kids and she fell off the stairs. She smelled amazing, the same mix of honey and vanilla I was used to, and I wrapped both my arms around her waist.

"Not too heavy?" she wondered, raising her eyebrows again and making me frown.

"Stop saying stupid things, will you?" I let out. "I know you gained weight, I know you hate it, and you need to know two things. First of, I love it. And second of, I'm a tank baby, you've never met a strong man like me."

This time, she started laughing, letting her head fall back as a long laughter boomed out of her open lips. Just watching her laugh made me happy and I let out a chuckle as I watched her. I pulled her closer and one of my hands ended on her thigh, making her look back at me.

"Be honest. Did you stop loving me, at some point?"

Her eyes roamed on my face and she moved closer again, kissing my upper lip very slowly. She was so soft and gentle all the time and I missed that in my life. I missed her touch and how tender and loving she was, especially with me. When she was not in my life anymore, all I could think about was that I missed her, but I also missed everything she did, everything she said, everything she was. It's the little things I missed the most and those things, she was giving them back to me. Slowly, and by little waves, but I was still getting samples from time to time. I was greedy, though, I wanted all of them, and right now, but I would wait for her. A lifetime or two, no doubt. Maybe even three.

"I hated you." she admitted in a murmur, her lips brushing against mine. I felt my heart shatter and swallowed a lump in my throat. "I hated you, I cursed you, I wished you wrong. I complained about you, I bitched about you, I cried and yelled about you."

I blinked a few times, trying to keep my emotions in. Even if I couldn't blame her, it felt like someone had stuck a knife in my stomach and was twisting it with each of her words. I kept quiet. I couldn't talk anyway, and she kept going.

"But not one second, I stopped loving you." she whispered, bringing her hand to my cheek and running her fingertips on my stubble before slipping them in my hair. "I've been in love with you for 20 years, Niall. I think after all this time, falling out of love is impossible. There's a point you reach that you just know, deep inside, that the love you feel is there to stay. I've reached that point. A long time ago."

"But you hated me." I argued in a breath before she sighed.

"Trust me, it's possible to hate and love someone at the same time. I hated you because I loved you so much."

I didn't even know if it made sense but I just nodded.

"I don't hate you now, Niall. I feel many many things for you but nothing negative, I promise."

She kissed my lips again and tugged at my hair very gently as her mouth traveled on my lips and jaw. I remained motionless, my hand burning on her thigh while she showed me affection, and with the way her hands and lips moved on me, I knew she was not lying. There was something special and unique in the softness of her touch that talked louder than a voice could, that explained better than words would.

It took me a few minutes to react but a bit roughly, I brought my hands to cup her face and kissed her harder. Her lips parted more to deepen the kiss and I moved closer to her, my hands now running on her back and her arms before I let one of my hands slip under her shirt. I wanted her so bad and it was so sudden that I could feel my whole body throb.

"I'm gonna miss you so fucking much, petal." I admitted low, allowing my lips to leave her briefly before crushing my mouth on hers again. "Let me make love to you, yea?"

I got up, making her do the same, and grabbed her waist, turning her around and pressing her against the windows behind her. I let my mouth move avidly to her neck as I started breathing harder. She took her shirt off and I did the same with mine, throwing it away before pressing my body against hers. One of her hands reached for my cock and she grabbed it over my pants as my lips moved to her breasts. I moved her straps down and pulled on her bra to expose her nipples and my lips wrapped around one immediately. I sucked on it, making her whimper low and finally let my mouth brush down to her stomach until I reached her pants, unzipping them quickly and helping her take them off. She stood there, only in her underwear, and I pulled the side of her panties away to press my lips against her pussy.

"Oh my god."

I grabbed one of her legs and moved it up, putting it on my back to hold it, and spread her lips more before slipping my tongue down on her slit until it was inside her and bringing it back up to her clit. I sucked on it for a while and felt her fingers pull on my hair. I got the hint and moved back up, unzipping my pants too and getting undressed as she stared at me, lips parted. I moved closer to her, feeling my dick rub on her thighs and she moved her leg around me again. I ground my hips against her a few times and when I felt my tip slip inside her, I let out a short groan.

"I want to make love to you, not fuck you for 5 stupid minutes and cum."

She laughed and smiled as I looked at her. She tilted her chin up to look in my eyes better and I searched for her hands, grabbing them and bringing them on the walls, on each sides of her head. She held them there and I slid my fingertips on the inside of her arms before reaching her palms and intertwining out fingers together. I pushed myself a bit deeper inside of her and she let out a low whimper, her eyes never leaving mine.

"I love you so much." I whispered. "I promise you'll never have to hate me. Ever again."

She nodded quickly and bit her bottom lip. "Okay."

I pushed myself completely inside her and felt my eyes flutter at the feeling.

"You feel incredible."

I brought my face closer and started thrusting in and out of her slowly but at a regular pace. My lips brushed against hers with every jerk and I didn't let go of her fingers. I felt her squeeze my hands harder and from time to time, she'd kiss my lips as I moved, or would let out a low moan.

"I love you. I love you, Olivia."

Her face twisted and I could swear she was about to cry. I pushed my body against hers more and kissed her lips a few times before kissing her deeper but still very slow. I didn't want her to cry, I wanted her to cum.

"N-Niall." she breathed out before I pulled away slightly and saw her shut her eyes tight. "Oh my god, I'm cum-"

She couldn't finish her sentence and started shaking between me and the window. I kept moving in and out of her but watching her get an orgasm made me reach mine and I leaned my forehead against hers as I came inside her, squeezing her hands maybe a bit too tight.

We were both a panting mess when we were done but we still remained motionless, our bodies pressed together, my forehead leaning against hers and our fingers intertwined on each side of her head.

"I love you too, Niall."

I smiled at her words and finally moved away and told her I'd be right back. When I got out of the bathroom, I had put sweatpants on and she was now wearing my shirt along with her panties, which I believed was her best outfit. The music was still playing in the living room and I extended my hand to her and raised my eyebrows.

"You wanna dance?"

"Here?" she smiled. "In your living room?"

I didn't answer but she just licked her lips and put her hand in mine. I made her twirl around and she giggled before I pulled her closer the same way I had at the wedding but for some obvious reason, it felt way more intimate. She leaned her head on my shoulder and it made me suddenly very happy.

I had found a radio station that only played music from the 90's and I knew it would make her happy. A slow song started and she chuckled as I pulled her closer.

"I love that song."

It took me a few seconds to remember that it was a Savage Garden song and when the lyrics said 'I love you more with every breath' I felt her lips on my neck, brushing up to my ear.

"I love you, Niall." she repeated. "I wish you wouldn't have to leave."

"Me too, petal, me too."

                                                     ---

The next day, we were both numb and sad and we did everything mechanically, stealing a few kisses from time to time as we walked by each other while getting prepared. I wanted her to come with me to the airport but I knew she wouldn't and I didn't insist. My bags were out of the wardrobe and were now waiting for me near the door, taunting me and making my heart break every single time I saw them.

"Okay, you got your passport?" she asked, standing in front of me.

I nodded and she did the same.

"Phone? Both of them?"

"Yea, I do."

She stared at me with teary eyes but still managed to send me a smile. I breathed in and out loudly and was about to pull her close in a hug when she reached for her ear, making me frown. She took one of her earrings off and handed it to me, her head tilting on the right. I remained motionless and she raised her eyebrows, moving her hand a bit closer to me.

"You still got your ear pierced, right?"

"It's your grandma's, I can't accept it I mean, what If I lose it?"

"Then don't lose it." she just argued, taking a step closer to me before putting it in my ear and locking it.

I closed my eyes and breathed her perfume in. When she was done, I wrapped my arm around her waist and kept her close to me.

"Thank you." I whispered, burring my face in her neck.

"Every time you see it, you promise you'll think about me?" she asked, gripping the front of my shirt in her fist.

"I promise. But I'll already be thinking about you." I pointed out, making her chuckle low.

She pulled away after a while and her smile grew when she saw it on my ear. "Now we match!" she giggled this time, making me laugh a bit and shake my head.

"You’re ridiculously perfect." I pointed out, pulling her closer again and wrapping my arms around her neck this time. Her arms slithered around my waist and I kissed her head, squeezing her tight against me.

"Oh! I have something else for you!"

She got out of my embrace and rushed to the room as I shook my head. It was totally her kind to forget about something she wanted to give me until last minute and it was almost a miracle that she didn't completely forget about it. She came back, jogging to me, and handed me a box. I frowned and looked up at her only to see her biting her bottom lip, eyebrows raised.

"What it is?"

"Short letters." she explained, licking her lips nervously. "I wrote one for every show you have. The name of the place and the date is written on each envelop. You can not open them before. You have to open each envelop right before you go on stage for every show. Not 30 minutes before, not in-between two songs or later when you're at your hotel. You get your guitar, open the letter, read it, and then immediately go on stage. You think you can do that?"

I pushed the air out of my lungs as my lips curled but remained parted. I opened the box only to see a bunch of envelops of different colors waiting for me inside and when I looked up, she was smiling wide, probably because of my reaction.

"That's... fuck, Liv." I let out, impressed. "That's a great idea and you know what? I'm gonna film myself opening every single one of them so you know I did it right before going on stage. I'll answer your messages in videos and send them to you."

Her face illuminated and she jumped slightly, making me laugh.

"How about we make a private instagram? We can both add things there? Share a password? And make it private, of course."

I made her an amused face and laughed. "Oh, look who loves social medias all of a sudden!"

She shrugged and I could swear her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink. "It's just for you and me, no one else. I mean, think of all the things we can post."

"Pretty sure nudity is not tolerated." I joked, making her raise her nose up in a cute grimace.

"Don't worry, I'll send you nudes directly in your text messages."

I moved my eyebrows and smirked, bringing my mouth on hers. "Mm, I really hope so."

We kissed gently and slowly for a while, as if it could push back my departure, and when we stopped, she kept her lips against mine and sighed.

"I'm in love with you, Niall. I'll miss you."

"I'm in love with you too, petal. I'll miss you more."

We sighed and I held her hand as we pulled away and took a step back until I was almost out of reach. She moved her upper body forward to keep holding my hand but when her fingers slipped out of mine, I saw her tear up and sniff. It was so hard to see that I just grabbed my stuff and turned around, walking out until I heard her voice again.

"Niall! Wait!"

I turned to look at her and she was crying. It broke my heart and I swallowed hard.

"Say it again. Please say it one last time before you leave."

I felt my heart break in my chest and dropped all the bags, rushing back to her and cupping her face to kiss her hard and intensely. She answered the kiss and moaned in my mouth.

"I'm in love with you." I whispered. "I'm so fucking in love with you."

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

i jsut feel so fucking. miserable again ... i know i need to get a grip  - i know i fucking do - but its sos;df,opsdk. its always just............. man its humiliating isnt it just thinkign about how fucking pathetic u are & justjisdogjodigsd....  crying bc of WHAT now what . again crying bc u wish u were sth other thn just embarrassing . like THTAS embarassing man but09sjgjdsg ..... fucking hate urself so much but what does it matter even tht loses its fucking meaning & its just u fucking screaming and beating urself raw but that doesnt matter none of it is ever worth anything do u EVER just. like. idk im miserable again whats new wishing i had sth to live for fucking sitting around fucking rotting carcass as i have been for years and years and years and the longer it goes on the more there is to cry abt the worse and wors eand worse it gets . do u ever fucking think abt how all the problems youve had for years and years how none of them ever get fucking resolved ever how its always just this building fucking pile of bullshit and how you never feel better abt any of it it never goes away and it never heals it just sits there and youre not supposed to care any more  how ur still upset abt shit tht happened years ago . how none of it ever has any resolution how none of it ever gets any closure how it just hurts and then u have to forget abt it but u do bc you cant move on because theres nowhere to move on to there just isnt theres nothin out there . this stupid it gets better bullshit fucking horseshit people insisting theres more but its just more and more of this and . feeling worse and worse wishing u werte dead so fucking long ago because its just proving to urself more and more that u should have been dead feeling angrier with yourself for being alive being let down more and more and its like. again tht case of why am i alive yknow and i jsut. i havent done anything for years and im sat here staring at ppl i used to know and seeing how far theyve all gone and how different they all are and im still just alone and im still useless and im still as bad at everything as i once was and im no different no matter how much i try and its never worth anything in the end no matter how much u hold on but ppl keep insisting tht it is but it isnt and then u wonder whts wrong with me why wont any of it work for me why wont any of the stupid platitudes help why do they all just makeit worse and u realise its just the factof the matter yet again u rlly dont got shit yet again and its nothing tht big or grand like u wish it was it isnt anything more than the fact ur just fucking nothing and  idk. idk idk idk. u keep wishing u were sth after all theseyears after bothering & after like. wasting ur time being alive but all u ever do is prove evertyone who laughed at u right anf prove ur parents who hate u right and prove urself right for being insecure and theres never any . like. resolve and u never do feel better abt urself bc theres never anything and ur just miserable and the only difference now is u were miserable for longer and you had more and more failures and it seems u will continue to have more failures and i dont wn t to think abt tht i dont want to think abt where im going to end up in the end whenit gets even worse at this rate when i end up just fucking nowhere with no one and with no ambitions and no skills and nothing to live for and i still wont fucking kill myself because i cant do that right i cant do anything right and im just fucking completely and entirely lost and i rot,  properly, like i rot and die alone somewhere and its long and its painful and i dont know thts all i can see thts all i can imagine is just the day i fucking stop and lock myself in a room and turn the lights off and stop moving and  i dont think anyone would ever find me and i dont think anyone would ever care and i’d rot and die alone somewhere and i wonder if thts how it should be sometimes liek if thats right if  maybe the reason i dont kill myself is bc i know i dont deserve to go so quickly and i know theres noa ctual poetry to it none like tht i know im just being fucking stupidd and an idiot but god i dont know man  <3 i fucking . sick tired of it all and stupid fucking crisis team thinking abt moving me out of intensive care to longterm stuff thinking abt trying to fucking help me and i dont know why i keep going  i think its just because i want to see someone and talk to someone in some, very pathetic way wwhen i cant even speak and i cant even do anything and none of it helps and it makes it worse it makes it so much fucking worse and it reminds me of all the other shit that makes me more upset and makes it worse again and why does everything just dig it deeper why cant any of it just fucking help and do you ever . been thinking alot about fucking [redacted] recently as fisgustingly  as tht is and how genuinely infuriated i am bby half tht shit STILL even 2-3 years later thinking abt how . gggod i dont eeven need to fucking. idk why the specifics matter whn its all the same fucking shit in the end but i dont knowman i dont know man i fucking wish i wasnt just a fucking hopeles  case i fucking wish i had a life i fucking wish i had some sort of reason to be alive i wish i felt like i had some worth i wish i wasnt just a failure and i wish there was some sort of home i hadd or wishing for some sort of catharsis, something that felt like some good, even if it was just . a fucking hobby but all of it hurts all of it makes u miserable and sad and upset  & theres no release theres no fucking help with the pressure and all u do after years and years is still make fucking stupidd text posts crying to urself and its all just wishing for something over and over again and wishing for forever and it never happening and me being an idiot and crying and its all always been the same shit and i jsd098sdg8dssfgds. im tired man im tired of just hating myself and feeling lonely and feeling stupid and feeling ugly and disgusting  and unloved just begging for respect and why is tht all i ever am and why am i only ever defined by negatives and never anyhting good andi dont know im ramblingg i whined of it already  i jsut feel sick and im doing tht stupid shit tht i KNOW upsets me im going thru those stupid fucking  things and i remember i used to fucking . do some stupid stupid shite like cut myself for every time i saw some fucking empty platitude that resonated hollow as a reminder that it all fucking sucks and on one hand god bless my edgy 15 yeear old self on the other hand ive caught myself on the brink of doing that nonsense again jsut to fucking. god i dont eben know wht at this point fucking . dont u ever just get angry at ursself angry for being alive still fucking . genuinely violently . angry kind of nonsense jesus CHRIST you know nad i dont know im thinking of all the shit ppl would say to me right now and how all of it makes it worse how theres never anything concievable  thts ever going to make any of this better &thinking abt how. fucking man at the crisis team was asking me wht would ur world look like if i could be what u wanted it to be and just fucking being on the brink off tears bc it wassupposed to be positve he was asking it positibely but jsut.  i dont know i just want it all gone i dont eben wnt anything i dont fucking want anythinglike. bro im being crackhead tonight

[bigskydreaming]

So it took interest rates that were like WE OWN UR SOUL NOW U FOOL HAHA TWILL BE OURS FOREVER, but joke’s on them lol like I never use that thing anyway. But I got the personal loan for $10K in the end after like a month of searching but who knew that obsessively raising my credit score for a year by like....occasionally chilling all night in an IHOP rather than use a credit card too much on a room would like....pay off with a credit score that actually is useful to me in a way that means I don’t even care right now that hahaha credit scores are just pointless imaginary numbers that really only exist because capitalism’s a dick?

Look I’m allowed to be a hypocrite for three weeks let me have this, I promise I’ll go back to ranting about people selling their souls for the sake of strings of binary code on a computer screen, like just cuz I wasn’t using mine doesn’t mean other ppl don’t want theirs.

Because oh yeah so I was like gimme the loan plz and they were like ugh fine and I somehow got my credit card companies to raise my limits because I’ve had them for over a year now and I honestly couldn’t even tell you how I convinced them to do that like did I haggle did I beg did I put out, who knows, it’s been a very long and strange and sleep deprived month and that’s on top of a long, strange, sleep-deprives two years. Point is between raising my limits on those two, the loan of DOOM and getting a CareCredit card with the remaining credit left to me or before the latter realized I’d just massively dinged my credit cuz the raised limits and loan hadn’t been reported yet, I came up with the $12400. Like again most of that is in the form of imaginary money that I’ll probably spend years paying out of future paychecks so if anyone wants to go ahead and put The Revolution on the books for like, say October, that would actually really work for me. I’d even be all pumped and full of rest and vigor and extra fightey and like, you know how fightey I usually am to begin with I’m just saying....

So now I am literally just waiting for my loan check to clear in my bank account cuz my doctor doesn’t accept checks. Second it does, probably Monday, I’ll go down to my doctors office, pay the $6200 upfront and finish the insurance paperwork for them to submit the claim for the insurance company’s part of it, and they can officially schedule my surgery, possibly in as little as three weeks??!!

Which is absolutely surreal to me, like after literal years of treading water and setbacks and everything dragging out endlessly and he’ll even just yesterday, it’s utterly bizarre finishing my stuff at my bank and doctor’s this morning and hearing how matter of fact they all are about how quickly things could happen now and like. Finally be over. Or like, start lol in the sense of holy shit I could actually maybe have an actual life again.

They can’t confirm a date until my first payment is processed, only then does she officially put me on the books at Cedar Sinai when they can get me into an open OR, but it hopefully could be the 20th. She’s already got another surgery scheduled for that day and an OR booked for it with potential slots before and after it but I can’t count on the 20th as a given just yet. Could still be one, two or even three weeks after that before they actually fit me in, so I’m trying not to set my thoughts and hopes too much on that three weeks from now appointment but that’s easier said than done. LOL.

But whenever it’s actually set for, I go in the day of, pay the second half of the payment, and the surgery takes a few hours but they send me home the same day. My high school friend from San Diego hopefully is going to be able to take enough time off to look out for me while I recover, we’ve been tentatively planning for that for most of a year but couldn’t guarantee anything with her work until we had actual dates which I mean we still don’t technically have. But my jaw will be wired shut for ten days so there’s no way I can manage on my own, esp the way I’ve been getting by day-to-day, and I’ll be on a liquid diet and having to drink everything through a special straw and stuff and completely unable to talk the whole time and oh yeah also apparently in agonizing pain that I’ve been extensively warned could put anything I’ve experienced thus far to shame, so I’m really REALLY looking forward to that part lol. Currently pondering the viability of just knocking myself unconscious every day. We’ll see how it goes.

But after that I go back in ten days later and they unwire my jaw, check that everything looks okay and I’m healing the way I’m supposed to, and I have two weeks of physical therapy and....that’s it. It’s over. I’m just. I’m just leaving that right there for now because I honestly don’t even know what to do with that thought after all this time, it’s. Like I can’t quite wrap my head around it and even really picture how that works. Idk my brain just fizzes out and it’s like wait, are you sure, that doesn’t sound right.

But like I made them go over it multiple times to make sure I wasn’t missing anything or understanding it wrong or whatever, like my doctor was this combination of kinda amused but also exasperated when I finally stopped asking to go over it all again. LOL look I just really really really needed to be sure there wasn’t something else involved that like I was supposed to already know or have been told by someone else, I don’t know okay? Anyone who’s been following me the last couple years knows that this isn’t how this sort of things go, they’re supposed to get my hopes up and then tell me they have no clue what’s wrong or send me off to someone else or tell me oh yeah you also need another thirty thousand and an MRI and some headgear that’s like made of platinum, but we just thought you already knew that. LOL.

But. I mean. Yeah. That’s it. I checked. A lot. Theoretically though unless there’s some new bizarre development in which case I will most likely detach my spirit from my body and evolve into my ultimate great rage power Digimon form, AreYouFreakingKiddingMeMon, and go like, fight god or the physical embodiment of the universe or whatever like I keep threatening....like, that really is what’s left. And then it’s all over. My jaw should by all accounts be restored to its full functionality from before all this. No more pain, no more eternal headache, no vertigo, blind-outs, no problems eating any particular food or swallowing or 45 degree slope to my lower jaw, none of the shit that’s been my day to day existence for well. Years. LOL.

Yeah. Really don’t know what to do with that yet. I just. Can’t. Haha.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, I literally couldn’t have made it to this point without the support of people here, both emotionally and financially. I hate to ask it because you’ve helped so much already, but I’m definitely going to have to ask for your help a little longer, there’s just no way around it. I am completely wiped and tbh overwhelmed so I’m probably going to try and sleep the rest of the day - I was pretty much up all night, unable to sleep while I waited to hear back on all this.

Then when my head’s fully processing things again and not friztzing our because I’ve forgotten how to process good news, lol, I’ll probably be putting together a post asking for your help paying my insurance premiums one last time, and on Monday or once I get the official set in stone date for my surgery I’ll be doing another, basically begging you guys to help keep me afloat the hopefully no more than three weeks til then.

I really really hate having to do that when I know you all have helped and given so much already, and it’ll literally be nothing more than my basic expenses of motel room and food, I don’t need anything beyond that, but I truly don’t see anyway around it. I exhausted every possible avenue available for me to try with my credit in order to get this loan and raise my limits enough, and I milked every cent I could out of those. There’s just no more money to be pulled out of any of that, it took everything I had to get what I needed for the surgery. And I’m afraid of the very real possibility that if I don’t ask for this help because of pride or because of how much I’ve asked for already, I’ll end up using one of my credit cards to pay for my room and such and end up stuck without enough money at hand to cover the second half payment on my day of surgery and I truly literally can not afford that. I have no idea what will happen with my insurance if I have to reschedule, how long it would take to reschedule, etc.

And the other side of this is there’s really not a whole lot left I can do for work at the moment. I’ve finished off all my existing projects except for one last cover and they already paid for it in advance. I honestly don’t know that I could take on new jobs if it ends up with my surgery on the 20th in just three weeks. Searching for more jobs and clients has become more and more time consuming these past months as is, and the simple truth is I couldn’t in good conscience or in honesty guarantee any new clients that I could finish their job in that time frame. Not with my present state physically and mentally and the uncertainty of my day to day expenses and stress about potential complications hanging over my head and not, truthfully, mixing all that well with my pre-existing mental health conditions lol. And yeah, if I can’t guarantee getting any new projects done in three weeks, I can’t afford to take them on for any potential client’s sake, not to mention the sake of my professional reputation, which I will really need to be, y’know, intact, in order to rebuild my life basically from the ground up, once my previous physicality and quality of life comes back after my surgery and recovery (knock on wood). With at least two or three weeks of recovery after the surgery even assuming it goes well and has no other complications, that’s way too much time to leave clients hanging and not be available to address any needs, concerns, revisions, etc. Especially if they’re not returning clients but brand new ones.

So yeah, as much as I would love to not have to ask for any more help than I already have and have been given, I sincerely just don’t see any alternatives that don’t jeopardize or risk wasting all the help I’ve already been given. You know I am fully aware of just how much that is and what its cost some of you, and I already could never repay you for this, not even in terms of just the money itself, but the fact that I know some of you have given at your own very real expense, sending me money that you really could have used yourself, that wasn’t any kind of surplus. I am already beyond grateful and humbled and overwhelmed how many of you have stepped forward to help me in ways that even though I’m older than many of you, I honestly have no precedent for, in ways and to an extent I’ve never received help or support from family. So I just needed to say that again, because I have not asked for any of this lightly, and I don’t now either. Really, really thank you. I’m not exaggerating or being dramatic or hyperbolic or silly for a change, when I say you guys most likely saved my life. Its simple fact. Hell, I was genuinely hours away from sleeping outside freezing my ass off in December, that first time I posted asking for help and you guys came through for me. So, yeah. I will never ever forget this, and never ever be able to give back as much as I’ve been given these past few months, though I will always do my best to pay it forward.

I’m going to go ahead and leave my paypal link here anyway, though I’ll be making those two additional posts tomorrow and next week, as I said. Aiming to keep them shorter than this, well, shorter than any of my posts, really, as shorter posts really just get more traction and I’ll need that. I can always link to the longer explanations of my situation for those wanting to know more.

Again, thank you all more than I can figure out how to put into words. I’m finally. Fuck. LOL. Sorry, I’m being very umm, sentimental over here but like its your fault I’m overwhelmed lol, like omg you guys, you can’t just throw love and affection and support at a guy with so much childhood traaaaaaaaauma, his brain doesn’t know how to handle it, look, you broke him. Are you happy? You broke his brain machine.

Okay cool, we’re back to inanity and obnoxious humor as an overcompensating self-defense mechanism, whew, everything’s normal, everyone can relax. LOL. Anyway, I’m gonna shut up now and go try and get some rest. Just know that I’m doing so feeling way more....hopeful? Optimistic? Faith-in-humanity-and-goodwill-and-community-ey? Than I have in years.

....the fact that I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now is called probably tells you all you need to know about me, huh? LMFAO God I’m so messed up lol. But whatever. Still alive and kicking. So. Y’know. There’s always that.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

[luciferofthesouthpole]

My Shitty Anime Masterpost

alright so this is mostly just for myself and @twilight--fades bc i can never fucking remember what i’ve watched or what it was even abt in the first place and also to turn my best friend into a weeb. most of it’s yuri or has rlly gay subtext aside from a few.

just a disclaimer these are all my personal opinions and i’ve no doubt that i’ve given some of these shows ratings they don’t deserve. also a 10/10 rating for Gay means that it’s canon and has been explicitly established in the show. anything short of that means that it’s still considered subtext and not confirmed by either the show itself or the ppl who worked on it.

Senki Zesshou Symphogear (aka symphogay)

Senki Zesshou Symphogear (戦姫絶唱シンフォギア - translated as Superb Song of the Valkyries: Symphogear) is a sci-fi series about Gay Magical Girl Warriors who use Power Armor fueled by The Power of Rock to battle Eldritch Abominations (from r/symphogear).  that’s it. that’s the show.

Gay: 9/10  Personal rating: 11/10 (please i beg you all to watch this it’s amazing)

Kill la Kill

i honestly can’t even remember much abt this other than the fact that there’s a shit ton of fanservice and the animation/art is rlly good.  the story was decent although it’s confusing in the beginning.

Gay: just don’t   Personal Rating: 7/10

Little Witch Academia

super cute and heartwarming. animated by Trigger, like Kill la Kill, except this does like a 180 and has basically 0 fanservice. the first half is slice of life while the second half has much more drama and plot. all the girls are likeable and have very distinct personalities and i love them all.

Gay: 7/10 (mostly subtext but you don’t have to look too hard)   Personal Rating: 8/10

Love Live! School Idol Project

high school anime abt a group of girls who become idols to save their school from getting shut down. mostly slice of life, but there’s enough drama in there to keep the plot going.  good music and rlly pretty art. the concerts/songs are 3D animated, but its not too bad; just very noticeable. (can’t remember too much abt this since i binge watched it a while ago)

Gay: 5/10 (subtext but you rlly have to squint to see it)  Personal Rating: 7/10

Love Live! Sunshine!!

sequel spin-off to love live. the plot of the 1st season basically follows the original which is kinda boring, but it’s not bad enough to make you stop watching the show. i personally like the cast for sunshine more than the original, but that’s just me. the 3D animation improves a lot and i sometimes couldn’t tell btwn the two when i first started watching this. this has more slice of life in it with the plot being kind of a background thing, but stuff does still happen.

Gay: 7/10 (more obvious w/ this one but still subtext)  Personal Rating: 8/10

Konohana Kitan

gay fox spirits help run an inn, basically. p much all slice of life and while it may seem boring at first, the themes for the episodes are rlly heartwarming and will give you feels. art is rlly pretty and the characters are cute too.

Gay: 9.5/10   Personal Rating: 8.5/10

Sakura Trick

best friends turned lovers kind of thing. its a high school slice of life anime so don’t expect too much out of it. there’s quite a bit of kissing but all of it is rlly eroticized for some fucking reason???? so im just conflicted abt all of it. other than that i actually rlly like the art style.

Gay: 10/10   Personal Rating: 6/10

Yuru Yuri

slice of life but very fluffy and cute. i can’t remember too much abt this one but there were some p funny moments and definitely a lot of adorable ones. (yes this is the one where our personal disc server icon is from)

Gay: 8/10 (subtext but it’s fairly obvious)   Personal Rating: 7.5/10

Puella Magi Madoka Magica

meguca is suffering

Gay: 9.9/10  Personal Rating: 9.5/10

Strawberry Panic

this one is an oldy but still good.  it’s a high school anime with a lot of drama but all the gay in it is canon.  a little frustrating to watch bc you’re gonna spend the whole time yelling at your screen for the girls to just get together already.

Gay: 10/10   Personal Rating: 6.5/10 (i’m honestly not a fan of high school anime hence the low rating, but it’s still good; one of those yuri anime you watch to get into the genre since its very well done)

Kannazuki no Miko (Priestesses of the Godless Month)

(this isn’t cover art like what i’ve done w/ the other ones but this pic is way too iconic to not use)

oh boy this one. i have a love/hate relationship w/ this one bc on one hand its absolute garbage but on the other hand the ending completely makes up for it. like, this fits into the sun and moon trope perfectly and i’m weak for that shit. the pacing is p bad and you have a forcefully inserted boring male love interest cock-blocking my lesbians the whole time. but god that last fucking episode makes all the pain and suffering worth it because its SO. FUCKING. GAY.

Gay: 10/10   Personal Rating: 7/10 (i’m giving this a much higher rating than it deserves and it’s only bc of the last episode and the fact that it has my two favorite things: mecha and lesbians)

Akuma no Riddle

lesbian assassins. that’s it.

Gay: 9.5/10 (canon in the manga but the subtext is obvious in the anime)  Personal Rating: 7.5/10 (Note: i went back and skimmed through the manga ending bc when i initially started reading it, the last volume hadn’t been released yet. that said, i recommend watching the anime then reading the manga if you want even more gay bc it is canon and way more explicit abt it in the manga.)

Candy Boy

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Gay: 10/10   Personal Rating: no

Citrus

i know this hasn’t come out yet, but i’m caught up in the manga. the art is very good, both in the manga and from what i’ve seen in the anime PV’s. high school drama but it’s actually not bad (also they’re step-sisters so it’s some weird pseudo incest thing   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) 

Gay: 10/10   Personal Rating: for the manga - 8/10 (i’ll update/change this when the anime comes out and finishes its season)

Princess Principal

lesbian spies in victorian london. i love the aesthetic of this anime but it’s one downside is a lack of a solid plot. it’s very vague for most of it except for the last few episodes. characters are likeable and interesting with diverse backstories. this one does get a dark at times and pulls in a lot of real world issues. (note: the episodes are not in chronological order so things may seem confusing at first and you’ll have a bunch of questions, but everything p much gets answered at one point. i recommend watching the episodes in release order and then in chronological order so you get fully acquainted to everything initially then are able to pick up on anything you missed the first time.)

Gay: 8.5/10   Personal Rating: 8/10

Izetta: The Last Witch 

just look at the cover it’s already gay. in a nutshell, gay witch helps her princess gf win a war by using her op magic. this is more of an action/war anime but the gay is very prominent and one of the main focuses of the show. the story wasn’t too bad and falls on a few cliches; nothing too bad and interesting enough to keep you watching.

Gay: 9/10   Personal Rating: 7/10

Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid

yeah let’s just ignore the title. slice of life w/ some comedy. there’s not much to it, but it’s a nice fluffy anime to watch. this was actually better than i thought it’d be and way more gay than what i expected, too. (just a warning: there is a shit ton of fanservice in this one and some weird ass loli and maid stuff so watch at your own risk)

Gay: 9.5/10 (it’s glaringly obvious and p in your face but idk if it’s actually canon) Personal Rating: 7.5/10

Katana Maidens ~ Toji no Miko 

this one honestly surprised me (in a good way); i thought it would be one of those anime that had a creative concept at the start but ends up disappointing bc of bad writing but this wasn’t the case for toji no miko. there’s nothing amazing about this, but it’s a p good anime to watch if you want some action. (note: one problem i have w/ this is that there are so many characters in this that it’s hard to keep track of all of them) (note 2: this is a 2 cour anime so i may or may not change my rating when it ends)

Gay: 7.5 (literally every character in this show is female except for some one’s grandpa so there’s a shit ton of shipping material) Personal Rating: 8/10

Yuru Camp△

one word: comfy slice of life anime abt winter camping. this anime is one of the most relaxing things i have ever watched and never failed to brighten up my day. good music, good humor, and a cute cast of characters.

Gay: 6.5/10   Personal Rating: yuru camp cured my depression, cleared my skin, and actually made me want to leave my room for once 10/10

Yuuki Yuuna wa Yuusha de Aru (Yuki Yuna Is a Hero)

meguca is suffering 2.0 this is honestly a very good successor the pmmm and i highly recommend it if you hate yourself enough to endure all the pain again. (note: watch the original show, the prequel, then the 2nd season in that order)

Gay: 9/10 (was originally 8/10 but Togo exists and she is one of the biggest lesbian ever) Personal Rating: 9/10

and w/ that, i’m done w/ all the “yuri” anime (subtext or actual canon). the rest of these are from all kinds of genres and basically anything i’ve actually really enjoyed and recommend to anyone regardless of what they prefer to watch.

Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion

kind of a classic and an anime a lot of ppl first watch when getting into anime. its a mecha anime thats all 2D/hand animated so that’s already a huge plus for me. there’s quite a bit of fanservice, unfortunately. from what i remember the plot was p solid and complex. def one of my favorite anime of all time.

Personal Rating: 9/10

Steins;Gate

this is rlly good but also rlly depressing. it starts of fairly slow (mostly the 1st half), but when it picks up, shit goes down.

Personal Rating: 8.5/10

Houseki no Kuni (Land of the Lustrous)

ok, so this is actually all 3D/CG animated, BUT it pulls it off amazingly well. this is how you 3D animate an anime. the environment and characters look absolutely stunning and the animation is actually fluid and very good. the plot is a little vague and just goes in a general direction, but shit happens to constantly keep you on the edge of your seat. characters are likeable and have a wide range of personalities.

Personal Rating: 9/10

The Ancient Magus’ Bride ( Mahoutsukai no Yome)

everything about this anime is amazing: the art, the animation, the characters, the story.  i honestly have nothing bad to say about this one. definitely a must watch for everyone. it’s kinda fucked up, but still amazing and you rlly feel for the characters. unfortunately, the 1st cour is a lot stronger than the 2nd one in terms of writing and starts to fall flat and a little frustrating to watch. aside from that, it would have been a perfect 10 for me.

Personal Rating: 9/10 

Made in Abyss

the world-building and environments in this anime are fantastic and i love it. the art is gorgeous and the animation is very fluid. warning: don’t let the cover fool you, this gets p fucked up later on. the majority of the cast are children so there’s some perverted jokes abt them that try to come off as comedic relief but it’s only just uncomfortable for everyone.

Personal Rating: 9.5/10

Pop Team Epic

this anime is literally just one giant fucking meme

Personal Rating: i honestly don’t even know anymore

Girls’ Last Tour

kind of slice of life abt two girls who are exploring the post-apocalyptic world they live in. very atmospheric anime that always gives a bittersweet feeling. there isn’t much of a plot bc it focuses a lot on, i guess, mundane everyday things but through a unique perspective. definitely gives you something to think abt.

Personal Rating: 8/10

Violet Evergarden

an absolutely beautiful anime. art is gorgeous and the animation is one of the most fluid things i have ever watched. this is fairly depressing and each episode will make you cry. the main character is so well written and character development for her is A+.

Personal Rating: 9.5/10

this is what i have so far and i’ll most likely add things when i end up remembering them and watching more

New anime (Spring 2018): i’m gonna put any new anime that has caught my eye in the current anime season, mostly so i can keep track of what i’m watching and determine if they should be added to the list once they’ve finished airing. i won’t put any ratings or cover; it’s just a list for the sake of organization.

toji no miko darling in the franxx uma masume: pretty derby (horse girl anime) megalo box mahou shoujo site Saredo Tsumibito wa Ryuu to Odoru gundam build divers tachibanakan triangle steins;gate 0

[roominthecastle]

Hi! Am I the only one who finds it quite distrubing that aidan was playing a main role in a gay porn serie? I mean licking a young boy's ass and having gay orgy in front of the cameras while he was married and was a father of a newborn baby.. Please, do not misunderstand me, but I think everything has a limit and those things he had done in that porn serie were far beyond normal acting. I feel I can't talk about it with the other fans, and you seem to be a great person who doesn't judge, part2

Part2. I’m not homophobic, I had a gay english teacher and a friend, but they understood it that their unique sexual life is their own private thing if you know what I mean, and behind that thing there is usually a traumatic experience.. Anyway what aidan was doing in that serie was fucking disgusting. You know it’s not a big surprise that her daughter, berry has become a man, maybe she was uncomfortable with her father’s roles? She keeps making photos ofbher beeding nose and scars and things li

So there is cleraly something wrong with his “daughter”. Idk I just don’t understand this man, unfortunately when I like somebody as an actor becausw of his her incredible talent I cant help but looking for infos of her his life. And I was in shock what I have found in aidan’s early career. What are your thoughts about it? Or are these things so natural to the others?

Wow, there’s a *lot* crammed into these messages, anon. I don’t think you’re reacting from a place of malice here, so please take my response below not as judgment but more like a series of observations and suggestions.

re: Queer as Folk (UK)I’ve seen the show and I liked it. It’s not for everybody, I give you that. It does have parts that undoubtedly veer into soft porn territory, but overall it isn’t porn, imo. To me it’s a story about a guy who’s 1st sexual experience was getting raped by a gym teacher at age 11-12(?) and, as a result, he’s become someone who only connects to others via sex. Him being gay is *not* the issue, it is *not* the problem, it is *not* a symptom. His unaddressed trauma which he tries to pass off as sth “cool” and tries to retroactively “normalize” via aggressive hypersexuality *is* the problem, and the show gradually brings this point home, imo. He cannot be intimate unless it’s physical & meaningless, but he starts to learn to modify this behavior w/ the help of his best friend who’s also the one he’s been in love with (and thus has been avoiding having sex with). I’m not saying it doesn’t contain provocative or even potentially triggering material, or that it’s flawless family fun (I know it’s been bashed for stereotypical portrayal of “sex-crazed” gay culture), but again, to me, it is about so much more than the sex scenes. I don’t think straight ppl should be in the business of judging the merits of shows like this one + I don’t know much about how it was received, so I really don’t want to get into all that. All I can say is that I found a very human story underneath all the steaminess, and if sb asked me to give a “disturbing” example from his body of work (that I’ve seen), it’s not QaF but Wake Wood or Blackout that would come to mind (and he plays a straight dude in both).

re: Aidan’s “taste” in rolesI think it’s always leaned away from “normal” and “conventional”. Pain & its varied, often aberrant, manifestations seem to be one big common theme in his projects, and I find that really intriguing. He’s interested in outcasts, in all forms of “otherness”, traumas, dysfunctions, and assorted fucked up things. I share this interest and I don’t think it’s wrong at all or an automatic sign of some pathology. It’s curiosity that’s labeled “morbid” only bc we live in a world that teaches us that automatically fearing, hating, and attacking everything “different” is “normal”. But if art confined itself to artificial “norms” and boundaries, depicting only what is deemed “accepted” in any given time period, it wouldn’t be art anymore. He said that nothing deeply scarring has ever happened to him, and that these roles let him explore things he would never do and be someone he never was or will be in real life. That’s it. It’s an exploration. Not everybody is an “explorer” tho. Most ppl shun and/or reject what/who they find “different” and/or “disturbing”. Others step closer, dig deeper, and maybe even try to find some familiarity in strangeness. Aidan is like that, too, imo. But I highly doubt he brought these projects home w/ him to screen it to his children and “scar” them for life. He strikes me as someone who’s v self-aware and who wouldn’t force his R-rated interests on others, esp. his kids, but I don’t think he would forcibly shield them once they are old enough and curious. But that’s just my impression. Truth is, I don’t know him. His private life, his methods of parenting are none of my business, and I don’t seek any info or picture he himself doesn’t provide voluntarily. Also, I don’t know anything about his family members, but I know enough to refrain from “diagnosing” or labeling anyone anything simply based on what they post online (esp if they are young), so I’ll leave it at that.

re: homophobiaLet’s do a thought experiment here (not the best one but hopefully it still works). Imagine a person who has cats and has never had any interest in keeping dogs. It’s completely fine being a cat person, so no issues so far. This person also assures you that they have no problem w/ those who keep dogs. After all, they had a friend who had dogs and this friend understood that keeping dogs was “different”, a likely sign of sth bad, and so always kept the dogs hidden. Now, do we really believe that the cat person has no issue w/ those who keep dogs? Keeping cats is not the only “healthy” or “default” option. It is just one of several equally legitimate options out there. Some brave folks even keep birds. Or both cats and dogs. In other words, I think you do have an issue with gay people, anon. Being tolerant when they are not “obviously” gay is still homophobic, and Aidan’s role in QaF is tame compared to, e.g. his straight serial killer/rapist role in Blackout yet you zeroed in on the former as the most objectionable one of his career bc it depicts his character having (a lot of) consensual gay sex. Good news is that while being gay is not a problem to be corrected, being a homophobe is, and you can always choose to improve. I grew up in a homophobic environment, so I know it takes time and effort to un-learn things, but I also know it is doable and v important. I’m not saying you should start binging on gay porn ofc, but keep on educating yourself. For example, BBC Four rolled out a great miniseries this year called Queers. I highly recommend it.

[eienias20]

Fire Emblem Warriors thoughts

I’ve made no attempt to hide my utter disappointment at this game and I think I made a post some months back that I might be reiterating...but I just want to say it one more time to outline my issue not just with Warriors but with what I encounter quite regularly for being a fan of the older games. Oops. I mean an “elitist.”

In my opinion: Fire Emblem Warriors biggest crime is that it could’ve ended, or at least severely broken “this”. What is this? The split. That’s what “this” is.

Since Awakening/Fates and all that, the Fire Emblem fanbase has been split. Badly. Warriors had the potential to be a Fire Emblem game for everyone. It could feature characters from all across the series’ history that everyone could bond over.

New favorites, old veterans, nearly everyone could’ve potentially had at least one character that really resonated with them, surrounded by many more familiar and maybe even some unfamiliar faces.

You can’t account for every single sense of taste but you could go for most of them. Ignoring that stupid “too many swords” argument the devs tried to use, you don’t actually HAVE to feature every single Lord. I think a game like this would be far more interesting with more of the B-teams from across the series. Some Lords, some plot important characters, A LOT of B-team. Because those B-team characters are the ones that people really invest into on the side, beyond the main lords, beyond the central characters, everyone has those side characters they just love.

And again, I doubt this game could cover every game in the franchise but it could do more than 3, two of which are already related and all 3 of which connect to one another. Warriors stated it would have support conversations. But with these games and casts being so interconnected ALREADY, what’s the point? They’ve already supported with each other once before, that’s another prospect lost.

Going back to unfamiliar characters, new fans would see these cool old characters, much like how Heroes introduces old characters, and they’d be inspired to learn more about these characters and maybe even check out their old games. Which btw Nintendo, you could release the games digitally on the eShop to make money off these new interested parties. In this hypothetical scenario where you did something smart at least.

But of course, in reality, they decided NOT to do that. Catering almost exclusively to the new fans, the new games and ignoring almost ten games worth of heroes and villains, thus widening the divide even further.

The saddest part is that the idea of a Fire Emblem Dynasty Warriors game is not new. People have wanted this kind of game for YEARS! And for those fan who wanted to play as their faves from Tellius, Magvel, Elibe or anything before that! Jugdral, Archanea...their wish finally came true.

Fire Emblem Warriors is real!

And it is nothing at all like how they imagined.

When I regularly bring up my grievances, I’m told to shut up and stop being an “elitist” and given these types of responses otherwise.

“Awakening Saved The Series” every time I hear that I have to bash my head into a wall. What does that have to do with anything?

Look. I think Fates is trash. The worst FE game ever made. And I think Awakening is way to over hyped. It's decent but many other FE games did what it did, BETTER. Did I want those games excluded from Warriors? NO.

I don't like them and they definitely should not represent Fire Emblem as a whole, but they are the most recent games (not counting Echoes because idk why) there was no version of Warriors in my head that didn't feature those games. I'm just so disappointed that they are the ONLY games being featured alongside Shadow Dragon.

Beyond that there is the “Wait for DLC” argument and that is a huge insult and unacceptable. If you are a huge Awakening fan imagine if no Awakening characters were going to be in this game. No one and instead you were told just to wait for DLC, that’ll fix it. That wouldn't feel good now would it? See?

I’m just asking for a little bit of empathy from the new fans for the many old fans being screwed over by this game.

I’ve made my decision that I am not buying a game for a roster comprised only of 1/3 of characters I actually care about and I am not holding over for DLC. It's a disgrace. It's an insult. It's a huge slap in the face. And while at times it makes me angry, it more often than not disappoints me.

When the announcement trailer released, I was hyped. This is a game, a concept, a crossover that seemed SO COOL! I imagined playing a game not unlike Hyrule Warriors but controlling characters I absolutely adore, heroes like Ike and the Greil Mercenaries (Mia stands out) or villains like Ashnard and the Black Knight! And that’s just Tellius! I couldn’t wait to see what they’d do with this game only to get “Shadow Dragon, Awakening, Fates” only shoved in my face.

Yes they said mostly. But you know why I don’t trust them? Because the same thing was said for the last Fire Emblem crossover. Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE.

The game would feature Fire Emblem characters MOSTLY from Shadow Dragon / Awakening. Come release, ONLY those characters are in the game. Caeda, Cain, Draug and Navarre (Shadow Dragon), Chrom, Tharja and Virion (Awakening) fucking knock it off with tharja pls.

But you know what got me MOST excited in #FE? Seeing Ilyana as an NPC hostess for a restaurant. THAT did it, above all else.

This came out longer than I thought it would be but again this is the last big thing I’ll write over this whole Fire Emblem Warriors thing.

If you follow me on twitter, I’ll probably still reference it through retweets or some comments because I just can’t let go of my disappointment. But regardless of what I say, this is my biggest stance.

When DLC is announced I just know its going to be painful. At this rate, I’d rather the DLC as well be restricted to Shadow Dragon, Awakening, Fates. That’d be far less hurtful than seeing my favorite characters relegated to such a role.

I’d go back to playing Fire Emblem Heroes which understands how to represent the series even if Fates/Awakening still hold such a majority, especially since Sacred Stones finally got their banner...but my tablet no longer works so I can’t play it again.

I’m hoping to pick up Fire Emblem Echoes soon, since unlike Fates that looks like an FE game I’d actually enjoy and of course I am still cautiously optimistic for Fire Emblem Switch.

I’ve been a Fire Emblem fan for so long, despite the fact that I feel so bad about the series recently, I refuse to give up on it just yet. I’m hinging everything on what Fire Emblem Switch turns out to be like.

I’m looking ahead to that in 2018 for countless reasons.

small addendum

what the hell happened to the voice acting? in Awakening, I enjoyed the vocal performances. no one stood out to me as bad.

Fates? yeah...poor quality i’d say. Especially in Corrin’s smash trailer. wow that was bad.

but this? VA changes sure, but some characters have their old VAs and according to ppl more well versed in those characters, they don’t sound good. The less we say of the OCs performances the better.

Regardless of if you’re excited for this game or if you’re me who is staying as far away as possible, the voice acting leaves a lot to be desired.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 24

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.3k - 4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: idk what to say tbh, not even sure ppl read these notes lol. well, i hope it was an okay chapter?

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : one but i sort of changed it a bit!

Chapter 24 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

We fell asleep together in his bed but I woke up in the middle of the night and stared at him for god knows how long. I didn't want to tell him what I did for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't want him to feel guilty. It was not his fault, he had every right to break up with me if he was not feeling the relationship anymore, and i'm the one who had swallowed those pills. Niall was not to blame and I knew it, but I was scared he'd feel bad if he found out. To imagine being weak like that in front of him was also not something I wanted. I was not really ready to let anyone see me that weak, but I was glad Louis had found me on that night. I was glad I was still there, because it made me realize I had a problem and I was lucky enough to have someone to help me with it.

I brought my hand to Niall's cheek and ran my fingertips on it gently, making him groan low. God I loved him. Just looking at him made me want to throw everything away and give myself to him, but I knew it was a pattern I couldn't fall back into and I had to be careful. Of course I had changed, and I had matured, and learned to love myself the way I was. I had worked on myself to trust me, and trust that I was worthy of love, even Niall's, and that my body didn't define me... but all of this didn't mean that I  didn't question myself sometimes. It didn't mean that I couldn't doubt myself, or that it was easy to resist throwing myself into Niall's arms. I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. Did I ever love anyone else in my life?

It took me a while to fall back asleep but when I finally woke up for the second time, I kept my eyes closed and whimpered, reaching out to touch him until I realized he was not in bed with my anymore. I grimaced, my eyes still closed, and forced myself to sit up. It smelled like coffee and I smiled, stretching and opening my eyes before putting sweatpants and his t-shirt on, going to the bathroom and then walking to the kitchen. Niall was there, facing the counter as he was pouring coffee in two mugs and he glanced at me, sending me a smile.

"'Morning, how did you sleep?"

The sound of his voice made my lips curl and I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist from behind and leaning my cheek on his back.

"You weren't there when I woke up." I replied with a pout that he couldn't see.

He laughed. "I'm right here!"

I hugged him tighter and when I loosened my embrace, he pushed the air out of his lungs and laughed again, turning to me and leaning his ass against the counter. My hands reached for the front of his shirt and I got on my tiptoe to reach for his lips. He tasted like coffee and I smiled against his mouth.

"You're on your second cup?" I asked, making him smile more.

"Yea you slept a lot." he pointed out before pressing his lips against mine again. "You seemed tired, I didn't want to wake you up."

I looked into his eyes and a fond smile appeared on my lips. I couldn't tell him I was tired because I spent over an hour staring at him in the middle of the night, could I?

"About last night, I want to thank you for sharing that with me." he said, glancing down before looking right in my eyes. "Thank you for trusting me. I'm so sorry I made you feel like that. I'm so sorry. I knew I had hurt you, but I never thought you were so... sad after I left. I never thought me dating someone else would hurt you that much."

"It wasn't you fault." I replied after breathing it. "It was me. It was my pain, my insecurities. It was my problem and my decision to do that. A bad and wrong one, a decision I'll never make again, but it was no one's fault but mine. You could date whoever you wanted, Niall. You didn't owe me anything."

"I'm still sorry. I'll always take part of the blame for that. But you promised you would never do that anymore, remember?" he added, raising his eyebrows. I just nodded with a soft smile and he smiled back. "Good, just a reminder."

We just looked at each other with loving smiles for a while and I felt something in my stomach. I was not sure if it was love, lust or affection... or maybe all of those feelings at the same time. All I knew was that they were all directed at him.

I felt the fingers of one of his hands run in my hair and smiled more, letting my hands run down his chest as I kept staring in his eyes. I always felt the need to be close to him and touch him and when one of my hands reached his dick, he groaned low and the grip in my hair tightened.

"Don't be a tease, petal." he whispered, making me bite my bottom lip hard.

"I'm always too horny to be a tease, you're the tease."

He chuckled and he pulled gently on his hand, making my head tilt back a bit more as my hand kept stroking his cock slowly over his sweatpants.

"I just think it's been way too long since I put your cock in my mouth, what do you think?" I whispered, sending him an amused smile. "Let me get on my knees for you."

His smile faltered and his eyes roamed on my face for a few seconds before he let go of my hair, his arm falling on his side. Quickly, I took my shirt off and his eyes fell on my breasts, making me hold my breath. It was not my best feature but the way he stared at them avidly made my heart jump in my chest. I let my shirt fall on the floor and got down on it, trying to save the pain on my knees that the cold hard floor could give me. I kept my gaze locked with his again for a few seconds and then looked away, trying to focus on his cock. I pulled his pants and boxers down, feeling my pussy throb at the sight of how hard he was but something else caught my attention. Something was not like it used to be and it had nothing to do with his dick. I frowned but my lips parted and I had to blink a few times to understand what exactly was written.

"Oh my god." I whispered, bringing a finger to it and brushing the tip of it on his skin. "Did you get a fucking tattoo?"

I glanced up and he was looking down at me with a frown. I opened my eyes wide and he grimaced, letting out a low groan.

"Darling, please, can't you see how fucking hard I am?" he pointed out. "You were about to do something?"

"I'm sorry but I can't do anything before I get an explanation.." I admitted with a nervous chuckle. "That's literally my name there?"

"I was drunk, found an old letter you wrote me, decided to get your name tattooed just like you tattooed mine." he explained quickly with a shrug. "Now your mouth? Please?"

My smile grew and I licked my lips. "Why this spot?"

"It was the only spot I could think of that wouldn't be visible for anyone, or almost."

"You... you hate tattoos." I just replied, shaking my head.

"I do not hate tattoos, I just never wanted to get one. I didn't see the appeal. And I still don't." he admitted, staring down at me. "But it's your name, and it's you, and I love you. I don't regret it, and I think it's just.. fair."

I pressed my lips together and swallowed hard, tilting my head. "What a guy wouldn't say to get his cock sucked."

"I mean it, Olivia."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and my gaze moved back to the tattoo on his skin. It was not even swollen anymore but even if it was small, I couldn't pretend it didn't make me feel special.

"Seriously, Nee, I can't see my name written near your cock every single time I give you a blowjob!" I chuckled, half-joking.

"Well, get used to it!"

I laughed a bit louder before realizing he was still just as hard despite the whole discussion we just had and quickly, I brought my mouth closer, running my tongue on his length gently and reaching the base before moving it down to his balls. I heard him groan as I sucked on one and when I moved back to the tip of his cock, I looked up only to see his head had fallen back slightly. He was holding himself with both hands on the counter and I just wrapped my lips on his tip to suck on it. His fingers gripped the counter harder and I grabbed his dick in my hand, pushing his skin and running my tongue between it and his tip. One of his legs tensed and he let out a few curse words in a whisper.

"Don't stop petal." he murmured as I kept doing that for a minute or two before taking him completely in my mouth. "Fuck, I want to cum in your mouth so bad."

He pushed his hips in motion with my head movements and just hearing him groan was making me horny. I kept thinking about the last time we fucked in his kitchen and it made me moan low as I was still sucking him hard. I finally moved away to bring my lips back around one of his balls as I kept stroking his cock harder and when he whispered 'I'm gonna cum', I moved back and stuck my tongue out. He looked down at me and I stared back, making sure the tip of his cock was brushing on my tongue as I jerked him off. It only took a few seconds and when a grunt escaped his lips, my heart jumped in my chest. He came on my tongue and lips, some of his cum also ending on one of my cheeks, and it made me realize how much I had missed pleasuring him.

"Jesus Christ." he whispered, his eyes shut tight. I took him in my mouth again, sucking him gently and slowly as I saw his grip loosen on the counter and his eyes open again. His lips curled into a smirk and he licked his lips. "Oh you look so good like that."

He bent down slightly and gathered the cum on my cheek before bringing it to my lips. I sucked on his finger as he stared at me and when he moved his upper body up again, I got closer and my eyes fell on his tattoo again. Slowly, I brushed my thumb on it and without thinking, I pressed my lips on his skin before getting up. He sent me a fond smile and chuckled as he moved his pants up.

"Did you just kiss my tattoo?"

"I did." I whispered, pressing my lips together.

He bent down and kissed me gently, cupping my face and slipping his tongue in my mouth. It always made me smile how he didn't care that I had his cum in my mouth just a few seconds before, and that he would kiss me anyway without even a second of hesitation.

"I haven't had a blowjob like that in..." he stopped himself and raised his eyebrows before chuckling low. "In over a year."

"Was it worth the wait?" I asked with an amused smile as he grimaced.

"Yes, but please don't make me wait an other year for the next one, okay?"

I laughed and shook my head as he moved his hands around my waist.

"You can always ask." I pointed out with a shrug. "Or, you can grab me by the hair and force me down on your cock."

The way he looked at me with lust made my heart skip a beat and he turned us around so I was leaned against the counter. He didn't say anything, he just slipped his hand in my pants and reached between my legs. He took one and held it up on his hip as I felt his fingers slip inside me.

"That made you so wet, fuck i love that." he admitted low, making my eyes flutter. "I love how much it turns you on to please me."

He started finger fucking me quickly, curling his fingers inside me and I used all my strength to keep my eyes open We looked at each other as he rubbed two of his fingertips on my clit and I held my breath as my lips parted.

"You're gonna cum, yea? I can hear how wet you are." he whispered, bringing his lips closer and brushing them against mine. "Cum darling, cum for me."

I felt an orgasm reach me and my whole body tensed as he moved closer to me, pressing his body on mine, one of his hands still holding my leg and the fingers of the other rubbing my clit as I shook against him. He moved his face in my neck and dug his teeth in my skin, making me quiver even more against him. He kept flicking his fingers on my clit slowly and gently as I came down from my high and brought his lips on mine to kiss me again.

"Next time I'm gonna spend an hour between your legs." he whispered. "I promise."

I smiled and tilted my chin. "You better."

We kept hugging and kissing for a while and I thought about the two mugs waiting for us on the counter before groaning. He moved away and frowned as I raised my nose.

"Now coffee's cold and I have bad news for you."

He frowned too and I bent down to grab my shirt and put it back on. I turned to the coffee pot and decided make fresh coffee before emptying our mugs in the sink. When I turned around, Niall was leaning against the counter, his arms crossed over his chest and staring at me.

"I have to go back home and pack." I started, making his lips part. "I have a flight for Italy tonight and nothing's ready. I'll be gone for a few days."

"Italy?"

"Yea we're supposed to cast an Italian girl for season 3 and they asked me to go. We have an interview there too and... well, I'm also going to see Dylan."

His face changed and I held my breath, feeling my heart beating hard against my rib cage as I waited for him to say something, anything, that would tell me how he felt. I could read in his face that he was not pleased but I didn't know if it was anger and pain.

"You know what I realized when Heidi sent me that picture of you in a wedding dress?" he asked, making me frown. "I mean, not at first, I was too shocked by how stunning you looked but after an hour or so, it really hit me. It's not you? The big dress, the flowers, the music and thousands of guests with a big wedding cake and your vows in front of everyone?" he paused as I stared at him. "What happened to eloping to Vegas and getting married by Elvis?"

I licked my lips and sighed, tilting my head on the side.

"It was important for Dylan, to do the big thing in front of both our families, and I wanted to make him happy." I explained with a shrug. "I still don't like big weddings."

"So you're going to spend a few days with him?" he just asked after a while.

I didn't want to tell Niall that I was going there mostly to break up with him because I didn't want him to think I did it for him, and I didn't want him to expect anything after that. I was not ready to be with someone else, not even Niall, but it was something I needed to do. I was doing that for me, because I didn't feel ready, because it was not what I wanted anymore. Of course, Niall was part of the equation, but it made me realize that I was not only scared to jump that step, but also that I didn't want to. I loved Dylan, I really did, but things were different, and I was different too. I was a different person than the one I was when I started dating him. I was even a different person than the one I was when he asked me to marry him. I was not even sure why he even wanted to marry me anyway.

"Probably, but I'll mostly be busy with auditions, and he'll be busy with filming his new movie."

I wanted to add a 'don't worry' but I didn't dare. Niall took a few steps to move closer to me and I moved my chin up to hold his gaze.

"We'll text and call each other while I'll be gone?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"I'd love to." he confessed, bending down to kiss my lips. "I'm gonna miss you."

                                ---

The flight was horrible and it was probably the worst 13 hours I had to go through in a long time. I grabbed my luggage after waiting for way too long and just as I was about to leave, I got a notification. I almost decided to ignore it but I stopped near a wall, dropping my bags and checking my phone. I smiled when I saw Niall had sent me a video and when I saw him sitting behind his piano, my heart melted. I hit 'play' and bit my bottom lip, leaning against the wall as I turned the volume up.

"Liv, I know you've only been gone for a few hours but I already miss you. So I thought I'd send you this. I hope you remember."

I heard the first few piano notes and I knew what it was. My lips parted and I knew I was going to cry.

“Looking back through changes Where we started from Don’t know about you but I knew it wasn’t wrong You know I kept a place For you in my mind And I know you did the same 'Cause you’re just that kind.

So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We’ve known since we were young So why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I’m home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?”

I felt tears run down my cheeks as his voice and the melody brought me back to a bar over 2 years ago, when Niall had told me he loved me through this song. I brought my hand to my mouth and remained motionless as I listened to it.

“Moving on You and I started looking back Now we’ve got to make up For all the wasted time You know I’d never let you just walk on by From the day that I met you I knew you’d be mine, yeah.

So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We’ve known since we were young Why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I’m home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?”

When the bridge started, I let out a short sob but quickly bit my bottom lip. I couldn't start crying here, in public, right? I couldn't just break into tears here because of one song.

“Just started, it’s just started I’m having trouble believing it’s true Just started, just started Now we got nothing to prove."

The chorus played again but it's only when he stopped and turned to the camera on his phone again that my heart completely melted. I let myself slide on the wall until my butt hit the floor.

"I really just wanted you to remember that. To remember that this is the first song I wrote about how much I love you, but it's not the only one, and I won't ever stop writing songs about my love for you."

He paused and looked down before looking up again.

"I love you. Come back to me."

He moved closer to his phone to stop recording but I just stayed there, looking at the static thumbnail of his video, my vision blurry and my heart swollen. I loved him so much I just wanted to turn around and take an other plane to him.

"Are you okay?"

Quickly, I looked up at the voice and blinked a few times only to nod at the security guard that was frowning at me. I must have looked totally desperate because I was pretty sure it was not the first time he saw someone cry at the airport.

"Do you need me to call you a cab or something?"

I sniffed and wiped my tears before quickly getting up. I knew I looked like a mess. That reflected very well how I felt.

"Uhm, no, thank you. There's supposed to be a car waiting for me."

It took me half an hour to reach my hotel and I unpacked a few things. I had brought the stupid pink bear Niall had won for me and put it on the large bed along with one of my pillows before taking my phone to text Dylan. I could feel my heart thump so hard in my chest I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.

"I'm here, we really need to talk."

---

"You can't be serious."

I blinked a few times, staring at Dylan, as he reached for my hands on my lap and I let him take them and squeeze my fingers. I had decided to go see him at his apartment and I couldn't pretend the sight as I was on the road didn't shock me. The sight from his apartment was even prettier and I took a mental note to visit this country again. Perhaps, with Niall?

"I'm.. so sorry." I replied with a frown, looking down at his hands holding mine.

I suddenly felt insecure about my decision. After all, Dylan and I were happy, right? We had been happy since day one. He was a sweetheart, a gentleman and he was funny, and sensitive. He was laid-back, soft, and he was always there for me. He was the first and only person to break my walls after Niall broke my heart and also, and I hated to say it, he has been extremely important in my therapy process. How could I leave someone who literally put me back together and be in love with someone who completely tore me apart?

"Okay, you don't want to get married anymore, I understand." he pointed out, shaking his head slightly. "It was too soon, maybe, I get it. But we don't have to break up.."

I pressed my lips together and looked up at him, trying not to cry.

"We do, we have to." I let out low so my voice wouldn't break. "I'm not into this fully anymore and I don't think you are either."

"I'm just... busy here. I promise I love you just as much as I did, even more. And I miss you all the time, Olivia." he added, moving closer as I finally let tears fall on my cheeks. "Please don't cry babylove."

I closed my eyes at the nickname he always gave me and swallowed to keep the sobs in without much success. I never thought it would be so tough to actually break-up with him but it was. We had history together, and this relationship with him had been more important than any romantic relationship I ever had before, except the one with Niall's.

"I'm gonna ask for a few days off." he continued. "We can spend time here together and just... love each other again. I'm gonna do anything I can to remind you how happy we are together, I swear."

I looked up in his eyes and took my hands to bring them to his face. I shook my head and breathed in before licking my lips.

"You deserve so much better, Dyl." I admitted low even if saying those words hurt like hell. "You deserve so much better than a girl who can't be 100% with you."

His eyes roamed quickly on me and I saw him tear up.

"It's because of him, isn’t it? You're breaking up with me to be with Niall."

"No!" I closed my eyes, trying to keep my voice down. "That's not why I'm breaking up with you, Dylan I just... I can't do this anymore. I don't have a good reason for this. And I know that no matter what happens, I will be the bad guy in your story, and I think it's true. Maybe I'm the mistake you'll always regret, and maybe I'm the toxic girl you'll have fallen for. I'm so sorry to have that role in your life. That's not the part I expected to play, I promise."

"This is not a movie, Olivia." he let out a bit louder. "These are my feelings, they're real! This is my life, our life. Please, don't ruin this."

I felt my heart jump so high in my chest I was going to puke. Didn't I ask Niall the exact same thing when he broke up with me over a year ago? I brought my hands to wipe my own tears and sniffed before swallowing hard. I had to leave. I had to stop this torture, for both of us. I finally got up and he didn't stop me.

"I love you, you know." he just added as I was grabbing my purse. "Don't you love me anymore?"

"I do." I just said, turning to look at him. "That's not the problem, Dyl. And It's no one's fault."

I waited in front of the door and sight.

"Don't worry, I'll find the best Italian girl for the show. You concentrate on your movie, okay?"

"I don't give a fuck about this show anymore. Or that movie, for that matter."

I felt something twist in my chest and breathed in before sighing.

"Yea, me either."

[kendrixtermina]

So, this intelligence Center Thingy

It was something included in one of the 12gram books as a qualifier/addition to your 12gram. 

I did not detail it in my initial series because I did not think it added terribly much or had particularly unique distinctions but at some point I added my classification to my description more for completeness’ sake (maybe one day a person familiar with it will come along?) and some people (namely  @jerdle) got curious as to what was meant by “Queen of Diamonds”, so I guess now you can decide for yourselves. This cost me a day, slightly a token of friendship but mostly mysself being ridden by my completionist urge. I hope one or two people appreciate it.

Reviewing it here has actually made me think of how it perhaps does add some dimension not otherwise captured.

The Theory

The whole thing is based on yet another idea of a “Soul Anatomy”/ Subdivision of the psyche and the idea that certain parts are more pronounced in certain people, that we have what they term a “center of gravity”. a part we default to unless we’re paying attention. 

Unlike the 3 in the classic enneagram, this theory subdivides the mind into 4 intelligence centers:

The instinctual center. The inbuilt software and base drives, as it were. This is also what allots all higher functions their energy, hence why ppl often commit to more than they can actually do once they feel worn out. (Indeed i wrote this sentence right before interrupting this article for a lunch break. Lets nom some leek gratin.) 

The moving center - Learned skills and reactions. Rule of Thumb: If a baby can do it, its instinctual (though babies can do alot more than ppl assume), if it has to be learned or trained, it’s moving. A baby knows to suck, look around for things to nom and cry if none is available, but they need to learn to hold a bottle or spoon. This seems somewhat analogous to Jung’s Sensing function(s). 

The intellectual center - NOT strictly mbti Thinking since it also involves abstract thought, symbols and concepts. 

The emotional center - Your FEEELINGS, including both basic emotion & sophisticated social and ethical processing in the sense of Jungian “feeling”. Aesthetic distinctions are also here.

Each of these has a “positive” or “negative” part or a central dialectical contrast (relevant later if combiined with either postivistic or negativistic Essence types)

For the intincstual center, thats comfort vs discomfort, pleasure or pain. For the moving center, it’s moving vs rest, for the intellectual, it’s yes/no or true/false, whereas for the emotional center it’s like vs dislike or right/wrong.  

Depending on their dominant center, a person may describe the same events in different ways or pay attention to different aspects of experience - 

Picture, for example, four people at a restaurant. An instinctually centered person will notice the quality of the nom stuff, the temperature of the room, the ratio of price to portion size, wether the chairs are comfy etc. A Moving centered person will notice the spatial positions of the tables, how easy it is to maneuver between them for the waiters, funny background events, what various people are doing & with how much skill,(eg. a clumsy waiter balancing things wrong) - meanwhile an emotionally centered person would pay attention to the people most of all & notice stuff like bored children, couples arguing etc. & focus on keeping their conversation partner engaged, all the whiletheir intellectually centered spouse blabbers on about some article they read, say, about the relation between currency exchange rates and political unrest.

According to the author you can easily pick out someone’s dominant center by hearing them talk, at times easier than it is for the person themselves, who, after all, sees their usual PoV and way of operating as simply “normal.”

When asked to tell you their life story, for example, a moving-centered person might tell you all the places they went and used to live, and recount activities or sensory impressions, whereas an emotionally centered person will phrase things in terms of relationships and their reactions & feelings about things

the instinctually centered folks are usually determined by principle of exclusion (or thatr’s what the author did) as they simply don’t communicate as many preoccupations & perceive things more as sensory images than semi-verbal judgements.   

In addition, each of these can be further subdivided into a “mechanical” part, an “emotional part” and an “intellectual” part - And out of a given center, 

“the mechanical part” represents actions that can be taken without paying attention, because they have become learned/ automatic

“The Emotional Part” is in charge when your attention is held by an external object or stimulus that you react to. This part is emotional about the center’s functioning, whatever it happens to be, & thus the seat of enthusiasm. 

“The “Intellectual part” pertains to behavior/ actions done when you sustain attention through deliberate effort beyond where your whims would lead you

These which may or may not roughly with the classic eneagram’s instincts but it already doesn’t match in my case so yeah, not equivalent.

“Dominant Center + Dominant Part” would then be your full typing possibly tacked onto whatever your 12gram/ Essence type happens to be.

Because spelling out stuff like “The emotional part of the emotional center” gets clunky soon (& uses the same word to mean different things) and because these esoterics ppl are all so damn extra, they refer to your classic western card game for terminology: 

Mechanical Part: Jack

Emotional Part: Queen (I know, I know... -.-)

Intellectual Part: King 

Instinctual Center: Clubs

Moving Center: Spades

Intellectual Center: Diamonds

Emotional Center: Hearts (no shit sherlock)

So you can comfortably replace the afore-mentioned clunky term by “Queen of Hearts” - and yes, the book did make the obvious reference/joke. 

The idea is that the mechanical parts can be, and often are doing completely independent things, whereas the ‘Queens’ can influence each other and the kings can consciously cooperate, and functionality/enlightenment can be seen as a measure of how much your centers are in alignment, doing the same thing rather than goin on autopilot (here we find some overlap with the classic enneagram philosophy wise)

There’s also a concept of ‘process’ here in that new information usually catches the attention of the ‘queen’ where interest is generated, then the ‘king’ must put in effort to understand & master the thing, until it is eventually stored in the mechanical part so that the ‘jack’ can now do it at any time.

One exeption is the instinctual center whose ‘mechanical’ part de facto consists of inborn biological programing and is a hardware limitation, so to speak, although i suppose epigenetics could have some influence.

BTW: the author briefly mentions mbti at one point and says than an intellectually centered Lunar would get INTJ... which i can see for some INTJs but mine are, as it happens, both Mercury-Saturns in the 12gram. IDK about this thing, gotta think & introvert about it. 

The Types

Jack of Clubs

Here we find the mantaining of basic homeostasis and largely unconscious body functions, the stuff we don’t normally think about unless we are cold, hungry or sick. We may note sudden fluctuations such as an adrenaline spike but usually what we’ll pay attention to is its cause. 

A person centered in the jack of clubs will not necessarily be a hypochondriac (though they can be), but they’ll automatically look out for, and invest energy in their wellbeing and comfort without needing to be reminded - This is also the friend who may not have the most exciting stories (as they tend regard adventures and explorations with mild alarm and don’t hugely seek out novelty for it’s own sake), but looks out for your welbeing & comfort and can give great advice on such matters that can be of huge practical use in everyday life & help you free up energy for other things through a new diet or napping regiment or something that helps you chill. 

Speaking of chill, their concern with homeostasis primarily generally makes them even-tempered, mellow and cogenial folks without much drama potential, though some might wish for more stimulating companions. They’re placid, unobstrusive everyman types who go through life without much fuss or bother who prefer the familiar and wholesome. If they do travel, they might be fussy about what to bring in order to fulfill every possible need & be comfortable. 

Others might find them a bit mysterious because they don’t seem all that concerned with, and certainly aren’t constantly ranting about,  abstract ideas, activities or other people’s business. They are often good at their jobs but not overly invested beyond a level of detached competence. 

Queen of Clubs

These are basically the Appetites - the emotional part of the instinctual center is emotional about sensations. It’s the process of taking in stimuli through the five senses and deciding wether they’re pleasant or unpleasant (not necessarily the same as wether they’re actually good for your survival - see suggary food. ) - It evaluates the stimulus itself more than its context so this is where we can be lead to indulge cravings or bad habits. Usually the ‘stimulus’ or ‘object of attention’ is something more benign tho - like when you are tired and keep thinking of sleeping, or when you’re hungry and see a delicious Pizza.

People who are centered in the Queen of Clubs will naturally be more aware of pleasant and unpleasant sensations, so they will try to create comfortable and pleasurable environments full of nice things to appeal to their senses - pretty furniture, nice smells, rich fabric etc. They’llbe inclined to be a bit of a gourmand, connoseur or aesthete and might even turn this into their job, for example as an interior designer or someone who sells handmade ceramics. 

They’re often considered very attractive regardless of their appearance (often without being aware of it or thinking it a big deal) because of their natural sensuality and “animal magnetism” - besides, their interest in pleasure and comfort usually extends to others, or as a bonding activity: They want their friends to be well-fed, comfy and enjoying nice things. This totally extends to their sexuality as well - they frequently have an “If it feels good, it’s good” attitude & might not be the world’s most responsible people, as they tend to be focussed on things that hold their attention. This none-too -disciplined, impulsive quality is the whole basis of consumer culture - people will have their attention occupied by having better/more/shinier until they get gratification & then the fun begins anew.

Despite this, they can also have a pronounced maternal quality & strong caring/mentoring instincts - after all mother instincts are crucial for the survival of the species which ppl can seen as being the same as one’s own survival in an evolutional sense.

The thing with all the queens (and a crucial thing to know about people centered in them) - is that since they’re all about these strong “good/bad” judgements, they have a lot of those and their can chance and fluctuate as the person becomes more or fed up with whatever held their attention so they’re not the most reliable or steady folks. If you date on of these be aware that they’re a package deal - you can’t have the liking & vivacity without the revulsion and dislike. 

King of Clubs

While the emotional part of the instinctual center is rather liberal with expending it’s energies, the intellectual part is cautious about preserving it for when it might be needed to sustain one’s life - It is the cunning and perceptive animal mind, the fight or flight instinct, something that strives to observe & keep track of its surroundings & the other processes the person is doing without being all too detectable itself- as such, it can ever seem mysterious, even a bit sinister. 

Unlike the other intellectual parts it doesn’t have its attention directed by the person, but is a background process type of thing, which, for most people, kicks in in exceptional times,the exceptional awareness, preseverance and reaction speed of high-adrenaline situations - sudden alertness, time slowing down, pain being blocked out until later, small unatlethic parents lifting heavy objects to save their trapped children, that sort of thing. 

A person centered in the King Of Clubs, then, is someone very in touch with their strong, pronounced survival instincts and likely to seem formidable to others - they’re not really approachable or comfortable to be around unless one has come to know them quite well, and that only occurs if and when they wish for someone to know them well -  They can be intimidating when they want to, at times verging on seeming brutal, almost as if they could errect an invisible wall to repell unwanted advances.

With the survival calculations everyone does in the background much closer to their conscious awareness, they can be quite suspicious, perceptive and exceptionally aware of their surroundings, and calculating about many things in life. Some of them can also have or develop great charisma and exert much influence over others. 

As it represents the highest developed part of our animal nature, it’s probably no coincidence that, as an archetype, this sort of personality is often found in movie villains - or think the archetypical gunslinger.

Jack of Spades

This is your repertoire of learned movements, all manner of complex procedural knowledge, from how to catch a ball to using a keyboard, driving a bike etc. all of the complex movements we do everyday which we once had to learn but can now do without thinking - like when you are walking and thinking mostly of where to go or typing and thinking of words, but having little awareness of your actual feet or fingers - this is never more clear than, say, when one walks or drives the wrong way out of habit. 

 the same time this unconscious procedural knowledge often does actions more efficiently than we would if he had to figure out every step (See the centipede’s dilemma - ppl confusing themselves & having a hard time getting back into the rythm of an action after thinking about how they’re doing it/ when paying more attention. There’s a reason why all those meditation audios tell you not to listen “while driving or operation machinery”)

A person centered in the jack of spades is usually a creature of habit: steady, down-to earth, efficient and consistent in performance with great tolerance for routine or repetitive motions that would bore or tire others beyond endurance - as such they make perfect employees for a great manner of jobs from everything to repair, data entry, farming, accounting or warehouse stock control - and luckily enough it’s a very common center of gravity, humanity as a whole does seem suited to taking care of the various stuff that needs doing.

One way to identify one of these for sure (as opposed to ppl who just do automatic drudgework because they have to, as all of us do) is to watch if they resort to repetitive motions in time of stress - people cutting up vegetables, agressively cleaning or mowing the lawn after an argument with their spouse, for example, perhaps leading the spouse to wonder how they can be concerned with such banal, mundane things at a moment like this - They’re not being insensitive, it’s just their coping mechanism, they’re doing the best they can to deal with their emotional pain in a constructive manner. People are, in general, much more likely to revert to their ‘default’ center when under stress.

Sometimes you have to make the diagnosis by principle of exclusion - relatively steady, don’t seem overly concerned with emotions or ideas, etc; while the intellectual part of the moving center will lose interest in something after it’s fully mastered, these folks don’t mind doing the same job all their life or living in the same neighborhood. 

Queen of Spades

While the Jack of spades is characterized by its steadiness, the queen is dintinguished by a lack thereof - as with the other emotional parts, it gets the feels about this particular function (in this case, movement) and has its attention held by a particular object, in this case an action, movement, kinesthetic experience or spatial problem - its the part that enjoys sports, or watching sports (though the patience & rigor to become exeptional - indeed seeking thrills can end in the hospital instead)

Here lives the need for speed, the enjoyment of fast cars, video games, amusement park rides, action movies and physical comedy, and if we consider how much cash we as a species spends on such things you get an idea of the moving mind’s importance. 

A person centered in the Queen of Spades is often flashy and extravagant in their movements, moves more than necessary for a given activity. They like novelty and can flip from obsessively practicing a new activity to losing all interest in it once they get bored - as such it should be little surprise that they like traveling, often to new unusual places rather than the hugely monetized tourist hangouts. 

They might be the sort willing to make do with very little and lead a bohemian vagabond hippie lifestyle in order to escape the ghastly fate of working a boring repetitive job and staying in one place for too long, chasing cool & worthwhile experiences such as mountainclimbing, wild water rafting or karate lessons in more of a breadth than a depht approach. 

King of Spades

The kind of physical action that requires sustained attention - such as operating heavy machinery where one moment of inattention can end in severing an important water pipe or power cable, or losing a finger. This part of the moving mind operates much slower and more deliberate than the others - the domain of careful, intentional movements. 

As such, it is inextricably linked with tool use, crafting and technology, the search for finding better, easier, smoother and more efficient ways to do all manner of physical tasks - it is also what we use to figure out objects and how they work - you may be able to assemble an ikea chair, lego or a tricycle all on your own just by looking at the parts and how they fit together - or you might resort to reading the manual for a little help from the intellectual center. (It’s worth noting that procedural knowledge is indeed in a wholly different brain region than abstract knowledge or biographical memories - you could have complete amnesia and still know how to fix a bike or learn gardening.)

It is of little surprise that people who have this as their primary center are in high demand in our current technology based economy - not only are they neede to invent, refine and improve all sorts of devices, they are needed to fix them for the technologically challenged. Such people are capable of greats effort of sustained attention when trying to solve a particular problem, be it to break new athlethic records, design video games or new techniques for animaztion or to improve some vulnerable part of an engine, they can focus their attention on the problem for days, months or years until it is finally solved. 

But while they find great satisfaction in problem-solving, they easily lose interest once the basic question has been solved, at times leading to a trail of unfinished projects or more endurant people perfectingtheir new techniques for them. 

Movement in the strictest sense isn’t their only province, but also an understandng of spatial relationships and composition - meaning, this is a kind of skill than an architect, engineer or surgeon would need. 

Jack of Diamonds

As with the other centers, this is kind of the “memory” where already acquired knowledge goes to be recalled -  Information on facts or cause and effect relations as simple data. This is where you keep all the basic information you need to function in the world, and when you think of it it’s quite amazing how much of that even relatively “dumb” humans contain - At least one language (in some areas you need way more), knowledge of abstract systems like money and numbers, some idea of what one needs to purchase so they and their family can live, where to get a cheap deal, the history & mythology of where the live, some  trivia about their favorite, and a bunch of politcal opinions for which they might be willing to shoot their neighbor, so yeah - 

This is where we return to the adage: “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit Salad.” The Jack of Diamond is more like the mind’s file clerk, it retrieves data with a “true/false” label attached upon a certain trigger - like a question or related topic, leading to many a mental or conversational wiki walk. Rote memorization obviously has its limits, especially where discernment needs to be applied or many contradictory factors need to be considered, or where Data needs to be updated and there’s a danger with sticking with the first information you got “filled” with as the only correct one.

If you challende a person who has their center of gravity in the Jack of Diamonds to a pop quiz or game of trivial pursuit, you will lose - They are always in the process of acquiring all kinds of raw, exact information and can recite a lot of it very quickly, often to the effect of impressing nearby people and garnering a reputation. The death & birth dates of celebrities, the ingredients in food, any funfacts about historical events... they stockpile it all just for its own sake, if perhaps in what others may consider a dry or dusty manner. 

They are not necessarily overly enthusiastic or exited about the information but they kinda take it in for completeness’ sake. This is more the sweatervest nerd than the passionate one, but they do pretty well in academic disciplines that require rigor, attention to detail and turning raw data into publishable work. , doing statistical tests or methodcal analysis (Including in literature/ the humanities)

Queen of Diamonds

As with the other Queens, the queen of diamonds is marked by animation and enthusiasm, though it can be as transient as an object keeping your attention - in this case the objects are ideas, theories, facts, ways of thinking and ways of thinking about thinking, but non indiscriminately or all at once - rather there’s a pattern of changing “current obsession” - In other words, this is the seat of curiosity and fascination and “exiciteable” nerds. 

A commontrait for ppl centered in the Queen of Diamond is owning a stack of books they bought because of interest in the basic concepts but then they don’t always  get around to reading or finishing them because something else occupied their attention. 

Even so, they’re often sought out as friends and companions because they provide stimulating conversation that might distract you from your instinctive or emotional quagmires - who doesn’t like some nerd humor or interesting debates?

More a breadth than a depht of knowledge here, they might be too exclectic for the rigors required of scholars, but make good generalists, enthusiastic teachers and good science-related communicators, though they might have a problem with staying on course or doing the repetition expected in a teacher’s role one they grow bored of something. 

King of Diamonds

This is where the fruit salad comes in, or rather, study time! Sustaining attention to intellectual matters even when it seems like drudgery, and ultimately a necessity for functioning in academic settings, even in matters one is reasonably enthusiastic for to reach understanding &  pass exams, one must study even on you ‘off’ days and even the less exciting topics - on such days, attention needs to be explicitly focussed through sustained effort, and that is where the King of Diamonds comes in. 

It’s one of the slowest moving parts of the human mind - in contrast to the quick, repeated answers of the Jack of Diamonds, this is a long, laborious process that comes with the understanding that we cannot have all the answers because there’s still much we don’t know - rather than applying quick good/bad or true/false statements, this part understands the relativity of context and how a precept that may be helpful in one situation may be inappropriate or even criminal in another - rather than seeing the facts and ideas as individual data points it tries to fit them all and their connections together into a whole like a precariously balanced house of cards. 

People with their center in the king of diamonds tend to be quiet and wait long before speaking and so, might ironically be mistaken for dullards (Doesn’t help that this type is supposedly fairly unusual.)    - they are so tentative and careful about ideas that it can be hard to tell that they are, in fact, quite absorbed in ideas - it’s the part that knows that it doesn’t know. They are hesitant to make assertions unless they are certain - while knowing that you can never fully know - indeed if you asked one of them what their center of gravity is, they’d most likely answer that they don’t know. 

Jack of Hearts

So, let us think. What would be an ‘automatic’ or ‘memorized’ response in regards to... social processing? (as if I had to read through/eat the author’s anti-intellectualism again, I get to stress that as much as they are as sophisticated as abstract reasoning and all parts of a whole, social processing & value judgements  =/= emotions)

Well, this would be “politeness/manners/habitual pleasantries”, automatic responses we produce in relation to others - this is also where cultural sensibilities and attitudes are encoded, deeply rooted and difficult to observe - but all to obvious if we spend a while in a different circle or culture and find that the responses we have taken for granted are no longer appropriate - volumes have been written about the various subtle differences in the way that people from different cultures handle things like time, personal space, relationships to family members and strangers, business transactions dining andmany others complex interactions of social life. 

We learn these mechanical responses by imitation when we are very young, long before we even realize that we’re learning anything - and often those differences in responses can be recognized very early on in toddlers and babies - no wonder we don`t always realize that they are learned. These responses can produce many of the same emotions we find in the ‘queen’ of hearts, but compared to those, they are much less intense & ebb away once our friends and relatives lose interest in the matter, since they are merely being imitated. - This mechanism is also what’s responsible for “crowd emotions”, huge groups of people being swept up in fervors ar concerts, sporting events and political rallies... or after tragedie, crimes and disasters, mass hysteria etc

Wether restrained or violently demonstrative, this automatic imitation of the group’s emotional tenor is one of the most characteristi manifestations of the jack of hearts. This part of the psyche can be sentimental and affectionate, but just as easily cold & rejecting, depending on the stimulus - Loyalty toward one group can turn to violence against the other, prejudice may be absorbed alongside otherwise helpful socalization, there’s a risk of us vs them thinking & sheeple groupthink - Though in its proper context when balanced by the other parts of the person, the Jack of Hearts has an important function to perform in providing the social lubricant necessary for unfamiliar people to interact within the same society and offset initial instrinctual-level suspicious (exactly what is sometimes missing between members of different cultures, allowing those latent suspicions to take over) - this is also how ppl pick up their culture’s aesthetic sensibilities and tastes. 

A person centered in the Jack of Hearts will usually have a friendly and gregarious demeanor (unless they were raised by total bigots, or had very negative experienced growing up, which might lead them to meet others with a lot of fear and suspicious) - typically, though, they are cheerful and positive in most social situations and appear caring and warm in most relationships.

This type is very attuned to the little social conventions of friendship - expect lots of birthday/christmas/aniversary presents, thank you notes for any favors or gifts, get well cards for any illness and condolences for any misfortunes. They know the appropriate attire for every occasion, so ask them if you’re ever in doubt.

However, these conventional, reflexive ways of showing concern are kind of how they do it and beneath this some of them can seem, or actually be somewhat shallow and insensitive - since the jack of hearts operates by imitation, they might only be aware of the surface manifestation of emotion and to mimic the general emotional tone without deeper awareness of what is occurring - this part of the emotional center is automatically oncerned with people and relationships and is fond of gossip without awareness of what harm might be done by talking indiscriminately about others. 

Their tastes are also likely to be conventional - sentimental movies, love songs, stuffed animals, soap operas & mass-produces decorative objects appeal to this type and will be found in abundance in their surroundings - men will make lots of jokes, be loyal to their favorite sports team and have a favorite tavern where he socializes with a few good buddies. When functioning from the negative half of things, the same person can then turn spiteful and petty with a tedency for jealousy, vindictiveness and cruel remarks disguised as humor, like subtly insulting nicknames

Queen of Hearts

The emotional part about the emotional center is emotional about, well... emotion (they keep using that word...) but what all this actually means is that this part of the human mind enjoys emotion for its own sake and values those impressions and experiences that create emotion - preferably intense emotion, be it positive or negative. Where the jack of hearts likes or dislikes, the queen hates or loves passionately. Where the jack may be pleased about pretty easthetics, the queen is gonna be ecstatic and where the jack’s programmed reactions are relatively consistent, the queen is prone to dramatc moodswings and changes in opinion. This is where we fall and love... and also what fuels axe murders pretty much. Anytime we’re experiencing strong out-of-control emotions, we’re probably in Queen of Hearts mode, having our attention held by whatever we’re emoting at and since the emotional center is first and foremost concerned with interpersonal relationships, it’s likely to be another person.

It s the part of us that identifies with other people and can be liable to lose sense of our own worth in concern of what people thing of us - or what judges others. This part is greatly interested in what others are doing, especially in their own relationships, and wether others are living up to the tenets of moral behavior - and if they’re not, it’s what wants them punished and creates outrage, be it about celibrities or public figures, or in personal life where it can lead to possesiveness or jealousy in its extremes.

However, it’s also what allows us to enjoys intense emotions in fiction genres such as horror and drama (At this point, I shall risk the claim that her majesty is also the part that writes most fanfiction - IDK why the author thinks dark art is a negative, cathartic fantasy is about the safest outlet there is for anything. Or rather I know why but I don’t buy it nor the premises it stands on, but FYI they see it as a masturbatory thing somehow or that’s their reasoning)

- and also the seat of noble and altrustic emotion, charitable and philanthropic impulses as well as religious fervor (or course you wanna be careful with that one and the author actually agrees with me though they mght not  recognize their flavor of woo-woo as ‘religion’ or ‘belief’)

If this is your center of gravity, you probably have a lot of feelings - since the queens grow bored easily & may change opinion relatively quickly (and none more than this one because of the intense energy involved in Feelings(TM) ), you may experience them mood swings and have an affinity for the extremes, moving between exstatic enthusiasm and bleak despair, seldom finding a moderate middle ground. 

Having the attention hel by an object and that object being emotional, this would be the type of person who would rather feel anything, no matter how painful, than nothing.  - sometimes, they might pretty much provoke an emotional exchange in order to feel something. They always find someone to love or hate, sometimes that’s the same person for reasons that have more to do with their internal processes than what the actual person did - they might also apply the same fluctuation inward, alternating between grandiose self-love and self-loathing - all this often attracts people who are more repressed or subdued themselves and look to experience a little of the intensity for themselves, though they might fail to realize that whole “if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” deal.

This storm of feels does, however, command a huge amount of passion & energy that can be put in the service of great things if the person knows how to channel it (just think of the feats of endurance or foolishness we can perform for the ones we love)

King of Hearts 

Ya did not honestly think we were escaping the obligatory alice in wonderland reference? Well apparently one poignant way to explain the ‘King of hearts’ is to look at the infamous royal couple from that book, including its less memelicious half - the angry queen who wants everyone beheaded and the mild-manared little King who walks after her and pardons everybody.  

Forgiveness is a good example of a process that is without doubt emotional/social/ethical in nature but also takes work & might require a person to get over themselves, the parts that require continous effort.  These tend to be emotions that are more quiet & contemplative rather than loud & demonstrative - compassion, empathy, consideration, patience, humility, and the drive toward self-improvement and growth - effort levels are not the same for all people & I still think there’s some ideology lodged here but at the same time they’re not completely off with the “true love/care” business & how it requires sustained concern and comitment - this is where we consider whats best for another rathen than freaking out about what they think of us, where we dont just want to be understood but also to understand others, where we dont just want to be loved but to actively love, the constant effort to do right.

If you believe in that sort of thing this is also where you would supposedly find the door to all that spiritual enlightenment/salvation mumbo jumbo whatever your preferred flavor is - or perhaps those are just names we give our ideal selves not understanding that they’re just part of us. In any case, artistic discernment of a more relative kind also lives here & this is the point where it goes beyond like or dslike and you can appreciate that there’s different things for different contexts. 

People who have this as their center of gravity are less apparent in being emotionally centered, because they can seem relatively even-tempered or even detached (in a zen kind of way), able to examine possibilities with compassion but without immediate identification, to understand that appreciating one thing doesn’ equal putting down another or praising it to all heights... 

(I would now say that I don’t think to flatter Mari but that she may well be one of these, in case she’s reading this,  (if she’s not a queen of Spades but she seems way more humble & considerate than adventurous),but then I remember that Mari does not have internet right now because she is currently having a ValuableLifeExperience(TM) on a tropical island, no doubt exercising her deep thoughts & aesthetic discernment to its fullest and being all sweet & considerate to everyone.

I miss my sisters, they moved across the country, gotta visit them one of these days. ) 

[commedias]

hello friends !! i am v v tired and emotionally distraught over the fact i was wrongfully terminated today but in more exciting news, this blog has officially turned ONE month old and i hit 200 followers today :-) thus, this calls for my first follow forever. i’ll also be prefacing it with a super cheesy blurb abt how much i love this blog and all of y’all, so buckle your seatbelts and get ready to go !!

when i started this blog, i had no idea i would experience this much joy from writing and interacting with all of you !! i had rp'ed in the past in groups, indie, and 1x1, but this was my first time really entering the krpc, or for those of you don't know korean roleplaying community. i remember using kpop fcs in groups and often being ignored for not using a lot of the mainstream fcs in american pop culture. now that i have this blog, i feel so #blessed to be able to interact with others who use kpop fcs and have high-quality writing as well !! on a more personal note, this blog has really helped me keep in touch with my writing and overall self. writing has always been difficult for me bc i felt like it was so time-consuming (not like i have anything else to do) and obligatory especially within the tumblr community, but all of you have been so patient while i dealt with irl problems such as work and college !! as a result, it really encourages me to try my hardest and push myself as a writer to reply as efficiently as possible. occupying myself like this has kept my mind off of other things going in my life in a way that my own personal writing outside of tumblr couldn't do. it always took me back to the dark place where i was alerady at, a lot of relating to my own personal experiences. now i'm ngl, there's some self-insert here and there with my characters. wooyoung was created to help me sort out my alcoholc tendencies. but the stories themselves take on an entirely new light, your muses helping mine develop into BETTER characters and people overall. being able to create this growth not only encourages me as a writer, but as a person as well. i personally connect with my characters a lot even if they lead different lives than me and care for them as if they were real. even if i'm not always the strongest for myself, knowing that i have my muses, our threads, and a loving community keeps me grounded. i don't rly have many other ppl in my life, so to have the krpc supporting and interacting with me has given me the boost i need. thank you all so much for that. now onto the more fun stuff !!

@chimxrical​: although i touched upon it briefly in my other positivity post, you've helped both me and hongbin grow so much. ours was the first thread to truly grab me and push me beyond the standard threads that die out or don't grow very much. you always replied so quickly and it rly made me excited to see how interested you were in our thread as well. i never expected hongbin to grow to as much as he has thus far, only the construct "sugar daddy politician" in my mind when i first conceived him. he had an icy air as part of his job that i myself even couldn't penetrate through at first without meifen warming up to him. his interactions with her really unveiled to me the more intimate layers of his character, that he had a lot of pain and tenderness going on beyond his work. that he didn't always have to be as tough as his work made him, that it was okay for him to dive into the softer dimensions of his personality. i didn't go into hongbin x meifen with all the details that we know about him know like his schizophrenic mother and his strong notions of justice and making the world a better place. but the more he interacted with meifen, the more insight i began to gain into who he was and how deeply his details connected with me. hongbin and meifen's (and don't forget kyungri's) headcanons have always brought joy to me and i love thinking of how far hongbin and meifen will get together the more that our thread develops. and for you as a mun, you've always been SO patient and supportive. whenever i have questions or just want to share something with you, you welcome me with open arms. you have such a kind heart and it shows through all of your characters. thank you for always being there and your wonderful replies to our threads <3

@cxrrvptvs​: omg where do i begin ?? i love stanning exo with you and internally screaming over all of the angst between taeyong and jinwoo and all the fluff between sunghyun and dohyun. our muses just love each other very much and it's one of the best things that's happened like ?? your replies are always on point and i love all of your muses. you portray them so amazingly and i love it whenever you add a new one !! your threads with other ppl are so fun to read too tho i do kind of side eye like taeyong's jealous ass would but it's all good bc that's how multi-muse shipping works :-) hands down one of my favorite ppl to roleplay with and i can't wait to have a million more threads with you !!

@justlysts​: ahhh what a beautiful child (even tho you're older than me) i know i'm trash at replying to im's and just distance myself from ppl in general, but don't ever think you can't come tell me about your life. i know today you were salty abt those ppl you had to talk to for the concert tickets, but in any other case when u wanna talk lmao !! i don't have a job now so i'll have plenty of time to listen :-) appreciate yourself more bc i love your aesthetic and ur cute hair and korean styles. you have such a cute personality and i love u sending me a million guys to rate. i can tell you're going to go far in life as cliche as that sounds and i'm down to support you in whatever you decide to do.

@sekairph​: we've only known each other for a short time but we already fangirl over exo and wooyoung x kiara together and it's so wonderful. i love how much work you put into tumblr from your replies to your resources as a rph and your content is always on point !! i remember when u first messaged me and called me out for how much i reblog you like i honestly didn't even know i was reblogging all of it from you i'm just exo trash rip. your writing is so good and i love hearing insight on kiara with each reply, not strictly limiting into dialogue. our characters have sm natural chemistry and the plot we selected was so bomb like ?? you're so sweet and i wish you all the best and that you'll dream sweet dreams of sehun the next time you sleep. i can't wait to plot more in the future and see where kiara and wooyoung go !! his personality has really started to take more shape around her since i rly didn't know what i was doing with him at first lmao and it's helped me so much with his character so thank you for that :-)

@paidsoul​: honestly the realest person out here in this blue hell. even tho tumblr is a sensitive place, i appreciate how honest and firm you are in your convictions and don't make up bs excuses to get out of uncomfortable situations. idk i'm not articulating this the best, but i like how upfront you are rather than following the typical tumblr etiquette of "oh sorry love ahaha :-)!" and shit like that, ya feel ?? your muses' backstories always run me over with a bulldozer but like they're so good and well-thought out ?? like your angst has reasoning behind it rather than the tortured artist with no parents who gets drunk and paints a tree and thinks he's a fuckin rembrandt smh... ANYWAYS thank you for all the inspiration (sounds cliche, i guess life advice) you've given me and i'll take it to heart since someone needs to get thru to my problematic ass. i can't wait to get know you more as a person and also interact thru our threads and have lots of angst together !! also thanks for getting me into the supernatural vibe like fuck i love yanny so much already and deadass i'll probably add more spn muses in the future like a mermaid lmao or MAYBE a demon so i can have heart-wrenching backstories like you (tho i mean my human muses have some angst too like sunghyun and his dead mother) and make myself and partners in threads emotionally distraught.

@sxvrn​: okay side note i could have SWORE in our messages u told me your new url was supposed to be like based off 'salvation' but that the original url u thought of started a v or something and looked nothing like salvation lmao bc that's how i feel rn abt your url like i had to copy and paste it but i'm just HAPPY i found your new blog bc i never wanna lose our threads </3 continuing on that tho, i don't see it in my messages now tho and i checked both on mobile and the computer and all it says that you were worried abt changing it bc ppl might not find you but nothing's showing up about the salvation thing so i'm like mandela effect ?? ANYWAYS i'm happy i found your new blog so i could tag you in this (not so) little thing. i live for youngjae's problematic ass messing with sweet lil minsoo, as i've said at least a billion times before. a lot of this would probably be rehashing what i said in my last positivity post about you but idk you're just great ?? like bless you for not sleeping on kim minseok and keeping kuhn as a muse you are a good human being. whenever you post a starter in the tags, i'm always lurking on it like even before we starting talking ooc i kept reading them and thinking who is this amazingly creative person ?? i can't wait to see how your new blog and muses unfolds and i hope that you got over your case of writer's block !!

@grcviity​: i used to think snap threads were boring and then you happened and i'm obsessed now *exo voice* someone call the doctor. thank you for your quality snaps and using kihyun monsta x is gonna rise one of these days i tell you. i'm curious to see how our characters interact outside of snap lmao, but i'm sure it will be just as good, if not better. your muses are so god damn cute and so are you <3

@stcrgirls​: ayyy your personality is just so fun and so is yeuna tbh !! your replies are always a joy to read and kihyun and yeuna hit home with those feels omg. thanks for letting me tell u abt my college orientation and the lyft driver who i got into ko ko bop !! keep reppin' us pinays, girl, and btw that reminds me you're so pretty like who are you omg ?? your munday selfies were on point i was like damn girl you're mestizo. both pretty inside and out, i wish you all the best and can't wait to see how our threads grow together !!

ok so we're not here all night, here's some other lil cuties i wanted to give a shout-out to: @quietuptownx, @powerpuffs, @licnhrts, @mujehan,​ @ofwildblossoms, @dearcherryblossoms, @liquoidtears, @pxlimpsest, @rosevined, @niqhtowls, @slideivy, @realizcation, @bcrmuda, @likewinter, @honeyedsins, @shrinemade, @findmexsaveme, @flxrvl, @lawsqwad, @landrogynous, @blazedfires, @pvxilatc, @cacotheisms, @pinkbvbblegvm, @simpaticos, @tearedrops, @undersunrise, @lustrcvs, @fckxillusion, @fckfanxychild,

thank you once again to EVERYONE who made this possible, who continually supported me and waited for my turtle speed replies. thank you to mutuals who i don't talk to yet, but would love to. and even if i haven't followed you back, thank you a million times over. seeing my blog grow has gotten me so excited and given me some of my kick back in life (lmao i'm sixteen for god's sake not like my life's ending already) both as a writer as a person. honestly you all are the best for putting up with all of my exo spam and mun rants. thank you for all of the ask memes and love y'all send me regularly it means the world to me. i can't wait to see where this blog goes and meet even more friends :-)

[badfey]

I have a friend with an eating disorder and you seem to know a lot about it. and i don't know anything! so i'm wondering • how do you know so much, do you or a friend have one? • how can i support and help my friend through it. (he also has anxiety and depression so if you have any tips on them you could chuck them in) i know your not a professional but i want to know your personal tips on how you would (or currently do idk) support a friend thank you :))

hi, i myself have been through minor eating problems, but luckily its never spiralled or become a disorder of its own. most of the people im closest to have had EDs, so i do know a lot about supporting them through it. this message is kinda more tailored to EDs, but if u want more advice on the other stuff just shoot another ask bc i have a lot of experience w that too 

 i’ll preface this by saying that just as every person is unique, so will be their relation with their disorder. here are some ways you can help [under the cut because this got long] 

TW: eating disorders, food, self harm, mental illness

getting help: 

if your friend has an eating disorder, they need help. EDs are practically impossible to overcome on your own, and the longer someone goes without treatment, the harder it is to recover. without help, EDs have a very low survival rate 

 if theyre already getting help for anxiety/depression, they should tell the therapist and get help that way. 

 if theyre on a waiting list (or not receiving any help at all) they should tell their gp, and bc of the seriousness of EDs they will be seen faster 

 if theyre not ready to get treatment, you gotta gently but persistently encourage them to get professional help. in some situations, u might have to tell someone on their behalf, but i would say to avoid that or at least do it with open communication so they can still trust u after. denial is a Huge part of EDs, so u have to help them push past that 

 when they first start getting ed help, it will feel like therapists and doctors suddenly dont care about their mental well-being as long as theyre eating. if this is the case, they need to tell their therapist. hopefully their therapist listens, but if not then it could be an idea to carry on ed treatment w them, and see a different person abt the rest 

 recovery only really makes a difference when u stop fighting it. when u stop doing exercises in ur room, when u stop secretly tracking calories, when u stop only pretending to follow your therapy plan 

 supporting them 

 theyre gonna need u as a friend a lot in this time. if you can be someone they can depend on, thats the best thing. however, dont put their needs before ur own: u are just as important too 

talk to them ! like when uve got depression, its easy to want to isolate urself. let me tell u, that gets u nowhere except miserable. just keep talking to them and stuff. sometimes its really important to be able to vent and talk out the big issues. other times its better to talk about light and unimportant things. i think this is the most important one 

validate their struggles. this is v important because even tho u want to show them how life does get better, theyre going through genuine hell right now, so just pointing out that it gets better feels like ur ignoring how bad they have it 

lead by example. do u struggle w body image? ya me too, but im working on it. work on it openly: promoting self love will help u both tremendously 

here is a v good list of things to avoid 

remember tht recovery is long hard and painful, but completely necessary. at the start of getting help, coping becomes really hard bc control gets taken away, and it seems like their entire life starts to revolve around food. it gets easier with time 

recovery blogs r ur best friend!!!!!!!!! for both of u. they offer support and advice and constant insight into how u can be there for ppl, or urself. block thinspo blogs. they can rot.  here are some good recovery blogs

 find out what they like and dislike. and triggers. if they dont like people commenting on what they eat, always move the subject away from that if others start to talk. same w anything that makes them uncomfortable 

encourage recovery. they will probably be constantly cold weak miserable and irrationally guilty, but recovery can change that. sometimes its important to remember just how bad being ill feels in order to keep choosing recovery (same goes for any mental illness)

 things to remember (important for everyone to know, not just those supporting people) 

 an eating disorder is a mental illness, not a body type. any person of any shape can have an ED, they dont have to look a certain way for their struggles to be valid 

 an ED is a mental illness that affects the persons relationship w food. this means there are many different eating disorders, and none of them are more valid than another. not everyone restricts, not everyone purges, not everyone binges 

some people develop food issues as a form of control: when everything else in your life is beyond you, its one thing people can control. until it begins to control them. this is why giving up control to start recovery can be so hard 

for some people it’s body image issues. for some people its control (as said above). for some people its a way to self harm. for lots of people its any combination of the above 

 thats about all ive got right now, hopefully this is what you were after. if you dont feel confident in supporting them, keep asking people for advice. get your own chain of support (u cant support someone well unless u have people u can trust and confide in). follow recovery blogs. theyre honestly the best, and provide a better and more detailed insight than ive been able to. supporting people through things this huge is hard, and ur a good friend for trying.

 its a learning process, and youll get better at it. thats why looking for other peoples advice is so important: it helps u improve. the first time i tried to help someone through an ED, i was 14 and with problems of my own, so i wasnt a good support at all, and i had no idea what to do. you’ll be better than i was (already seeking experienced advice shows this), and as long as you care youll be fine. your friend will be okay too, in time