#i mean i probably need one anyway but the mood stabilizers really level me out

[thanatoseyes]

Man. . . I just chowed down on a nacho lunchable, handful of cheese, some bacon bits, and a spoonful of Nutella in the matter of like 10 minutes. Fuck am I okay???

[lesbiansanemi]

I have started to accept I am a bit more (re a lot more) psychologically unstable than I thought for a long time and man…. I’m tired of it

[tolkien-feels]

Maglor and Caranthir headcanons, you say? Do share

I was going to go read a book but you know what? Let's do this instead, I'm having a Tolkien day due to having watched the Leithian rock opera today

This doesn't make any sense if you don't know where I first got the idea from, so let's get that out of the way

Feanorians come in pairs, as we know. Celegorm and Curufin and Ambarussa, of course, and then I know the other one is usually Maedhros and Maglor, but consider: Maedhros must've spent a huge amount of time with Feanor as his firstborn and heir, and that naturally pairs off Maglor and Caranthir

(This is of course an oversimplification - everybody hangs out with everybody, I'm sure, and Maedhros and Maglor are canonically close, but stick with me)

Caranthir strikes me as being difficult to understand, even for his family. Based on very little I've decided to headcanon he's inherited Nerdanel’s Silently Observing In Order To Understand thing and Feanor's general personality, which results in him mostly having two moods: Very Angry or It's Anyone's Guess What He's Thinking. Either way, that doesn't make him exactly easy to get along with

In part due to actually spending time with him and in part due to being on the Silently Observing In Order To Understand side of the family as well, I headcanon Maglor is the one person in the family who is very good at understanding Caranthir (with the possible exception of Nerdanel but she understands him like a mother, which is different from having a friend, if that makes sense)

So anyway, I just picture a feedback loop where because Maglor understands Caranthir, Caranthir opens up to him as much as he ever does, so Maglor understands him better, etc, etc. Conversely, Caranthir makes an effort to understand Maglor just as much, and while he never quite reaches Maedhros's level of instinctive understanding, he comes very close - and that's great because sometimes Maglor is actively hiding things from Maedhros because Maedhros has enough going on in his life, and Caranthir can usually tell when that is the case

Having said that, I don't think it's the "understanding each other" part that's important - it's the "making an effort" bit that's the best part. This is a family full of very leaderly people. Yes there's Feanor's generally controlling personality, and Celegorm and Curufin always want to have their way, but even Maedhros and Nerdanel seem to have a strong "If it's for the best I'm not afraid to try and impose my will" streak. But I don't think either Maglor or Caranthir are particularly interested in that, so it means a lot for them to have someone who they can talk to and be sure that the conversation will be more about rationally seeing each other's points than about deciding who's Right. (Not that they can't be stubborn when they feel like it, tho. Because they absolutely can. It's just not their default reaction to literally every single thing that ever happens.)

I also think that they're pragmatic, loyal and generally reliable. You know how Celegorm and Curufin have the stability of a firework factory built on an active volcano? I feel like Maglor and Caranthir would be the exact opposite of that

On the other hand, if we're talking baby Feanorians, Maglor and Caranthir never really move past the parallel play stage of development. They share exactly zero hobbies but they're working on their interests in the same room and that counts as bonding somehow. No, nobody else is invited, back off, if they want to hang out with People they'll say so

Canon doesn't really back me up here but I really love the idea of Caranthir having Maglor's back as he tries to handle the uh, "out father is dead and our brother is probably wishing he was dead so I'm kind of the king now even though I was 3rd in line to succeed the king who was never supposed to die?" situation. Nothing flashy, no dramatic declarations of support, just. Quietly doing the boring, necessary jobs that need doing but would just add to Maglor's already overfilled plate

I must also admit to quite enjoying the idea of one of the Ambarussa dying so that in Beleriand you have two trios, Celegorm, Curufin and whichever Ambarussa survives, and Maedhros, Maglor and Caranthir. This has no basis in canon but the symmetry makes me happy?

Also, you know that meme that goes "Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I wanted was a puppy"? I strongly feel that's how Celegorm felt about Caranthir when they were very little (ignoring LaCE age gaps here), and I just... I really want Celegorm to have seen Maglor angry exactly once in his life and it being when he half-intentionally made Caranthir cry. There's no reason this has to happen, but I just really enjoy the intersection between harmless family fluff and foreshadowing the Maglor who seems to be a surprisingly fierce warrior

Are these enough? Because I probably have more lmao

[chaos-in-the-making]

EPISODE 3-

WOW THE FIGHTING. I MEAN YA'LL. THE TENSION. Towa is like "Sister!" And Sestuna is like "whom the fuck" and Towa is like SISTER?! 🥺 And Setsuna is like "prove it, bitch." The fighting scene was smooth and beautiful, and well animated, and the TENSION between the sisters is *kisses fingers* mwah!

SETSUNA REALLY IS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF HER DADDY. even down to her "do as you please" to Moroha lmaaaao we get to see more of their demon powers which ROCK. Also, did anyone else think that Towa's magic sword resembled tetsaiga? Anyone? Just me?? Probably just me. ANYWAY THATS A THEORY FOR ANOTHER TIME

Ok on Moroha: i am fucking loving her. I came for the twins, but my god is she hysterical. And she is the PERFECT blend of Inuyasha and Kagome. She has Inuyasha's boldness and dumbass energy, but she has Kagome's compassion. She is the voice of reason between the two sisters, forcing them to see each other on the same level and trying to keep the peace. Its obvious that she does not enjoy fighting for the sake of fighting, but wants FRIENDS OMG SHE JUST WANTS FRIENDS. Did you see her call the demon slayers HER FRIENDS?!? half an hour before they were trying to KILL HER and she just decided on her own that nope, they were friends now! Lmaaaaaaooo. They shall be mine, and they shall be my squishy. But ok, I need to know why Moroha just knows so much?? She can SMELL that Sesshoumaru is their dad?? Has she smelled Sesshoumaru before??? She knows who he is, does she know he is her uncle?!??! And then she just GUESSES accurately about Setsuna's curse?? Is it because she has run into it before?? I NEED ANSWERS AND NOT PLOT HOLES. The exposition is nice, but I need a reason for this 14 year old to know everything.

Speaking of Moroha, KAGOME'S FAMILY RECOGNIZED HEEEEEEER. I am living for this reunion. And its so NICE to see that Sota is pure at heart and does not keep secrets from his wife. Also, I love his wife. She is like "demons exist? That almost killed my daughter? Yeah they can stay, no problem." Like ok, I need whatever mood stabilizer she is smoking, bc that shit is the bomb.

Things I am concerned about:

KAEDE'S SPECULATIONS. seriously???? SERIOUSLY??? This shit had better not be true. And I'm holding on to the fact that it's her misunderstanding of demons and their culture that makes her believe that 1) Sesshoumaru would abandon his children, and 2) that the children would fight and kill each other at an early age. Like yes, we see that with some demon siblings and Sesshoumaru hated his little brother, but we also see examples of sibling codependency and family. So her assumptions might be based on only one of those. Anyway they had better be. Because this Spartan bullshit of "Only the strong survive" is sooooooo not my jam. That had better not be Sesshoumaru as a father, or so help me God.

BUT WE GOT TO SEE HIM HOLDING BABIES AS HE FLEW AWAY SO I AM JAZZED ABOUT THAT. but that makes me WORRIED because twin births are HARD and I SWEAR TO GOD IF RIN DIED IN CHILDBIRTH IM GONNA LOSE IT. But why did he take them OUT of the village? Did that mean they were born there?? WHERE IS RIN DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEEE.

I have more specific thoughts about specific moments, but that's my overview, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!!

In conclusion: MY BABIES ARE BADASSES

[k7l4d4]

Midnight Striga: Fairy Tail/Owl House Cross Fic Episode 5 Part 9

Hello all, I am back with another exciting segment of Midnight Striga!! Admittedly, this one is slower than the prior chapter, but I still hope you all enjoy it.

Lilith strode forth, Eda hot on her heels. They circled through the Covention, spotting the representatives from the Major Nine assisting. The Construction Coven workers were rapidly working on structural damage dealt to key pillars and walls, members of the invading force held tightly by hastily assembled cells and chains, the Construction Head, and Lilith was genuinely puzzled as to where he had come from, looming over the invaders, personally guarding them. The Oracle, Healing, and Illusion Covens were working in concert, with the Oracles tracking down trapped or injured citizens while Illusionists either guided them to safety, or rescue workers to their locations, and the Healers had set up a clinic to attend to the injured.

The Plant and Abomination Covens worked to root out and capture the remaining attackers, many of whom were thrown into those same cells she had passed alongside the Construction Coven. The Beast Keeping Coven members used their abilities to track down and locate those stuck in areas inaccessible to the abilities of Oracles, allowing rescue workers to bring them to safety, the Bards using their magic to manipulate the pieces that the Construction members couldn’t move safely. The sight of the Covens working together, in harmony, brought a melancholy smile to Lilith’s face. Her mood plummeted further, however, when she saw the bodies.

Piles of corpses, so many they couldn’t lay them out properly and were overlapping in awkward lumps, were arranged before the Healers’ Clinic, families weeping over their loved ones, the ones who had been present with them at least. The rest would need to be informed. And not to mention the numerous corpses of Guards, some having died cleanly… others not so much. Titan, she really was a failure, wasn’t she? Shaking herself from her self-loathing, she turned to her sister. “Edalyn, I must ask, but do you have any idea what has occurred?”

“Well, from the looks of it, a huge fight.” Eda said, faux-humorously. Before Lilith could snap at her, she continued. “But seriously, while you were stuck in la-la land, that guy, Rudolph he called himself, said he and his group were part of the ‘Black Dog Squadron’ whatever that means, and that they were here to kill everyone for someone or something called Oroboros. Beyond that, I couldn’t say.” She recalled, face grave.

Lilith bit back a curse. Taking a deep, calming breath, she attempted to draw more information out of her sister; out of all the adults on the Isles, Eda’s knowledge of humans was estimated to be some of the best, by virtue of her regularly full stores of ‘treasures’ to sell. “Edalyn, I am begging you, if you have any knowledge of how this…” She gestured, to the corpses, to the crying parents and children, the ruined stands and damaged walls, ”all happened, I need you to tell me!” She pleaded.

Eda leveled an even stare on her sister, before slowly replying. “Lily, I had no idea how this happened, or what went into it occurring. As much as I hate Bonehead, if I had ANY idea that something like this was going on, I would’ve either let you know, or tried to stop it beforehand myself, maybe both.” Lilith searched her eyes, an almost desperate light burning within her, before sighing, accepting Eda’s words.

“As much as it pains me to say this, I will likely need your help for the moment.” Lilith said as evenly as she could, the bitter sting of acknowledging just how much her sister still outclassed her rearing its ugly head. “If any of these scavengers are still lurking about that are on the level of that maniac Rudolph, I will likely need your skill to defeat them before they can wreak further havoc.”

“Heh, glad to see you finally admitting my skills,” Eda preened, oblivious to Lilith's mood plummeting at her statement, before growing serious. “And yeah, of course. We may have had our differences, but I’m not gonna cut and run when kids are in the crossfire.”

Lilith nodded, relieved. She hated that she felt relieved; it was just another admittance of how Eda was better than her. Still, Lilith took in the sight of the dead guards, the mutilated children, and felt her resolve harden. It didn’t matter if Eda was better than her right now; justice was what was needed, and she would bring about that justice. She felt her eyes mist. It was the least she could do, as penance for failing them.

Throwing up her arms in confusion, Lilith exclaimed. “What I truly wish to know is how did Humans gain the ability to wield magic!? It should be impossible!! They lack a bile sack, so how did that-that maniac cast those spells!” She whirled on her sister. “Please tell me you didn’t know about this?”

Eda shrugged, feeling guiltily amused at Lilith’s flustered panic. “Eh, only for a few weeks or so. And let me tell you, it sure caught me by surprise!” She laughed. Eda paused, a thought occurring to her, but it was one she was hesitant to share. Biting her lip, she carefully broached the topic. “You know, I think I might know someone who could shed a little light on this whole mess.” She said cautiously.

Lilith zipped into Eda’s personal space, tightly gripping the front of her dress. “Truly!?” She asked, pleading honestly. “Where are they? Who are they!?”

“Well first off, personal space sis,” Eda bluntly stated, lightly pushing Lilith out of her comfort zone. Taking a breath, she added, “As to where they are, they honestly should be right here in the Covention.”

Lilith’s face fell, already fearing the worst. “But, if they were here, then wouldn’t they have had to face…” she gestured to one of the attackers being led to the cells, cackling insanely, “ Them?”

“Pffft! If goons like that were a serious problem, I’d be a little worried, but she’s crafty enough to stay alive, heck, she probably beat a few of them!” Eda cackled, before adding, with a hint of nervousness, “And, well, I hate that I got to ask this, Lily, but please keep an open mind when you meet her? Please?”

Lilith gave her sister a flat stare. “Edalyn, I have just had a rather large portion of my worldview regarding humans and the power and stability of the Isles torn out from under me, as have a large group of others. When word starts spreading, I have no doubt that more than a few people will either go into denial or mass hysteria.” She placed her hands on her hips. “Very little could properly phase me at the moment. So yes, Edalyn, I will keep an open mind.” She said the last part so dry and sarcastically that, if this weren’t serious, Eda would’ve been so proud to call them sisters. Eda nodded grudgingly, accepting her promise. With that, the two headed out. Eda really hoped the kid was okay.

Luz gasped and sputtered, nearly choking on her tears. Willow slowly rubbed circles on her back, calming some of her heaving and screams. Gus and Amity stood on the side, both feeling lost and awkward; neither was as close to Luz as Willow, but neither wanted to see the girl in such despair either. All three just wanted to know what was going on.

“Sshh… sshh… it’s gonna be okay.” Willow whispered, unbothered by the tears staining her dress; it had already been ruined from the blood and grime of the battlefield the Covention had turned into, but even if it was fresh and clean, Willow would gladly soil it for a friend to cry on. “You can talk to us, okay? And if you don’t want to, we’ll be here anyway.”

“She-She can’t be alive!!” Luz spluttered, tears clogging her throat. “She can’t be!! I can’t have abandoned her!” She wailed. It had to be a lie, it had to be!! Because, if it wasn’t… Luz would never be able to stop until she saved her, no matter what she’d have to do in order to do it.

“Who?” Amity hesitantly asked.

“My hostage.” Luz said glumly, her tears drying up for the moment. She reached into her jacket, pulling out a photo tucked inside, showing it to them, a watery smile forming on her face. “My sister.”

“Sister?” The group echoed, leaning forward. Staring back at them was a picture of Luz and, well, Luz! Or rather, they saw Luz standing by what they presumed was her identical twin. The two were still very much distinguishable from one another. The one on the left was clearly the Luz they knew, having a similar style, a wild and reckless grin stretched across her face. The one on the right, however, was shyly glancing away, a nervous smile on her face, hair tied back neatly with a pair of clips.

“Yeah, Vee.” Luz said, a melancholy look of remembrance on her face. “She was always my leash, even before I got drafted into Oroboros. Whenever I had some crazy idea, she’d talk me through it before I did something stupid.”

Willow and Gus sat down beside her, leaning close, Amity standing a respectful distance behind them, clearly listening. Luz continued. “One time, I got this idea to make home-made Lacrimas by shoving a bunch of magic into one spot, and Vee reminded me that neither of us knew how Lacrimas formed, and just stuffing magic into things blew them up.” She snickered, a tear tracing down her cheek. “And this one time, I was gonna try and tame a Wyvern, I actually went out and did it even! But then, Vee reminded me we had nowhere to keep it, and no way to feed it, so I found it a nice hunting ground, and convinced it to defend a nearby town.” She laughed out loud, a heavy, full-belly laugh that sent her sprawling, tears leaking.

She paused, tears in her eyes. “She was my best friend, the person who made every day away from home something bearable. She was my anchor, my rock, and Oroboros used her against me.” Her fingers dug into her hand, a pained look crossing her features. “If she’s actually been alive this whole time…” Her tears were cut off when Willow and Gus hugged her, both having tears of their own.

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll get through this.” Willow stated, pulling away and looking Luz straight in the eye. “Oroboros is going to keep coming after the Isles, so you’ll probably get an answer one way or another. And either way, I’ll be right by your side.”

“And the same goes for me!” Gus chimed in. “Plus, my dad’s a reporter, so I can help find out new info for you to go off of!”

“And if I am available, I would not be averse to using my magic to fight against those who’ve threatened the Isles. Rescuing an innocent will be a nice bonus, I’d say.” Amity primly stated, sporting a confident look.

Luz gave the three an almost awestruck look. “You guys.”

“GET AWAY FROM THEM!!” A voice screamed, drawing their attention. Luz’s eyes widened as Lilith Clawthorne, Eda’s apparent sister, rocketed towards her, staff glowing with magic, her eyes burning with rage. Before she could smash Luz’s face in, however, Eda jumped in, tackling her sister to the ground.

“Sheesh, Lily! Chill out!” Eda cried, desperately wrestling her sister to the ground. “I told you to keep an open mind, remember?”

“What does that have to do with-” Lilith ranted, only to pause, eyes widening in realization. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” She groaned, hanging her head as Eda sheepishly chuckled.

“U-um… Eda, what’s happening?” Luz tentatively asked.

Eda really wanted to ask Luz why she’d been crying, but decided to put it off, focusing on the current issue. “Well,” She drawled, “My prissy sis here wanted info on everything that happened. And after thinking it over, I thought you’d be the best person to give it to her.” Eda stated, pointing at Luz decisively. As unbalanced as Luz’s emotions were at the moment, she could see the logic in that.

“Seriously!?” Gus cried, incredulous. “After what she just learned!?”

Eda blinked. “What? What’d she learn?” She asked, figuring that whatever it was was the reason behind Luz’s tears.

“Something we can talk about later. In. Private.” Luz stated, her face screaming ‘let it go for now!’ Eda grudgingly agreed.

“Ugh, can we please move back on to the topic of information?” Lilith growled, pulling herself up. She loomed over Luz, a suspicious glare emblazoned across her features. “I have a great many questions for you, human.”

“And I’m perfectly willing to answer them, Miss Clawthorne.” Luz replied, unblinking. She glanced around, taking note of the damage around them. “But maybe it’d be better if we went somewhere more private for this?”

Lilith nodded, seeing the logic in that. “Indeed, better we not be interrupted.” She turned to her sister. “If that is acceptable for you, Edalyn?” She asked, getting a shrug and a nod in return, the Witchlings following Eda’s lead. Lilith clapped her hands. “Well then, we’d better be going back to the main center, as I recall seeing the Covens building something of a camp there to deal with the aftermath of this mess. The Healer’s Clinic should have a room we can use.” And with that the group set off, a tension running through them after their collective ordeal.

Emira paced, frantically glancing about the interior of the Healer’s Station, Edric gloomily slumped next to her. Her eyes scanned the nearby groups, hoping to spot something, anything, that could give her some hint as to where her sister was. She and Edric knew she was here, but where had she disappeared to after being displayed up there with Lilith was the real question.

“Could you please stop pacing, sis?” Edric groaned, clutching his head. “It’s not going to just make her appear if you keep doing it.”

Emira whirled on her brother, fire in her eyes. “Well what do you expect me to do!? Maniacs barged into the Covention, massacred who knows how many people, and OUR SISTER IS MISSING!!! I don’t have a lot of options right now, now do I?” She brutally snapped, briefly yelling in the middle of it, before fading into a broken tiredness. All those people, those kids, all gone. If her sister was gone like that, and her only memories were of her and Edric pranking her… She looked into Edric’s eyes, and saw the same fear, the hopeless, helpless realization that Amity may be gone, and her only memories of them would be of all the times they gave her trouble.

Edric sighed, tiredly rubbing his eyes. “Believe me sis, I get it, but all we can do is wait, and hope she’s okay.” He patted the spot next to him, a clear invitation to sit. Emira gave one last furtive look around, and glumly complied. The two briefly wondered just how their parents would take all of this.

Bria bit her lip, glancing over at Gavin and Angmar. She didn’t consider them friends, not really. Maybe she’d change that? She wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure about much right now. She… had been made helpless. Magic like nothing she’d ever seen had been on display, and a LOT of people were dead. She, Gavin, and Angmar WOULD be dead. If it hadn’t been for Matty. Matty; goofy, clumsy, always taking the fall, boasting about his skills Matty, had saved their lives. Tears pricked her eyes, as she remembered how close she’d come to death, the sheer heartlessness on display. Was that what she was like? Some kind of monster? ...Was that what everyone was like at Glandus, behind all the excuses about being powerful?

“Hey, I got your drink!” Matty cheerfully replied, holding a glass out to her.

Bria shot him a half-hearted smile. “Thanks Matty.”

“Eh, it’s no problem.” He said, waving it off. “After all, we’re friends, right?”

“Yeah, friends.” Bria muttered, sipping her drink. Maybe… they really were friends. She’d have to talk to Angmar and Gavin about this. Maybe Hexside was still taking transfers.

Skara listlessly handed supplies to Bo, who was frantically patching up as many injuries as she could. Skara just felt so tired, so hollow. So many people had died. She’d seen little kids ripped apart, their parents crying over their bodies. She’d seen the opposite too, parents being cried over by their kids and family members.

Skara only had eyes for one thing, though. Boscha. Boscha was propped up on a bunk, at least two rows away, but still in Skara’s line of sight. She’d been brought in by a little demon, screaming and demanding that someone help her. Skara felt a twinge of jealousy at the thought that it wasn’t her demanding that someone heal her friend. Oh, wait, they weren’t friends anymore. It still hurt to think about, even though talking with Amity helped. The demon was hovering around Boscha, ranting and ordering around anyone and everyone who got close. In the back of her mind, Skara was honestly impressed at how unrelenting and exacting he was with his demands, even if no one was following them.

Then, Skara caught sight of another body brought in, another corpse. It was Batthew, a nice guy who had flirted with her a few times before. He was sweet, in his own way, and was really fond of going over the top. His throat had been slashed open. Skara didn’t fight the tears as they came.

Lilith pulled up a seat, eyes glaring daggers at the human seated before her. One way or another, she was going to get the answers she needed. She briefly spared a glance at Perry Porter, a known and well-viewed reporter upon the Isles, and one known for being unabashedly honest and direct in his reporting, something that earned him several points with the populous, as they knew they could trust his information. The boy, Augustus, had called him in after they’d gotten to the emergency clinic the Healers had established, citing a need for the people to understand what had happened. Thinking of her own impending reveal to the public, Lilith had agreed. If all turned out well, both could be accomplished together.

Lilith leaned forward. “Now then, human, it’s time for you to answer my questions. The People of the Isles are dying to hear what you have to say.” She said, eyes half-lidded.

Luz placed her hands on her chin, a brave smile on her face. “Ask away. I’m all ears.”

[simbinch]

celeb natal chart: matthew gray gubler

see this post for breakdowns on what the different planets mean. see this post for breakdowns on what the houses mean.

born on the ninth of march, nineteen eighty in las vegas, nevada

sun in pisces in the 9th house: everybody knows pisces as the emotional sign, and that is definitely true. pisces are known for being compassionate, empathetic, and big into fantasizing and dreamland. the negative traits of someone with this sun sign is that they might get caught in their dreamland and have trouble coming back to reality. they also might get mopey and turn all eeyore if they get overwhelmed with their feelings. sun placement in the 9th house are major learners and their big goal in life is to keep trying and doing new things.

moon in sagittarius in the 6th house: those with a sagittarius moon are naturally independent and free-thinking. they are the main character. they want to add more people to the cast and don’t hesitate to remove people they don’t find to be a good fit for their storyline. they love learning and adventures, always down to do something new or take on a new challenge. they take things day by day rather than think of one big goal they need to reach ASAP.

cancer ascendant/rising in cancer* in the 1st house: these people are known as being soft, sweet, and sentimental. not considered a man’s man by any means. highly emotional, cancer rising is happy in the moment, and not typically driven or determined to get things done. they are very sensitive and don’t share this with the world around them. they retreat back into their shell when they see conflict ahead. they’re incredibly faithful to a person they open themselves up to. they are loyal to the nth degree, even when their partner might be in the wrong. they have great relationships with their mothers as they relate to a nurturing figure. they are born followers and often play the role of the nurturer in the family. they want to find a partner that can provide for them, both literally and figuratively. they have great memories and like to make people feel special. they use their hands when speaking and emoting, to show that they are genuinely listening and care. 

the other option (based on just degrees of difference) was gemini rising. geminis are known to be really curious, want to learn new things, understand people on a deep level, and inspire those around them to be the best they can be. gemini rising in men is often associated with height and long fingers (seriously). highly attractive and a creative thinker. gemini in the 1st house means that they need to be mentally stimulated, otherwise they quickly get bored. gemini rising in men is often seen as a “player” because they are so charming and exciting, but often fall in and out of love quickly. they are hard to tie down unless they are absolutely sure there is nothing better out there for them, and that their life with a partner would be exciting enough to sustain them. doesn’t like to make promises unless they are absolutely sure they can keep them.

either of these rising signs could be made to fit mgg based on his interviews and general persona, especially the physical features associated with gemini. i didn’t know if i would consider him to be a born follower or having a lack of drive. what ultimately did it for me was the relationship with their families and the fact that gemini rising men tend towards centering themselves, whereas the cancer rising men center those around them. also gemini rising men are known as big cheaters and i didn’t want to hypothesize that for mgg lmao.

venus in taurus* in the 11th house: venus in taurus is known for valuing comfort and stability above all. very much commitment based people, highly traditional, looking for someone who can take care of them in an old-timey Leave It to Beaver style way. venus in taurus men don’t have to try hard to get women, they typically just flock to them. as a result, they have to be careful about who they choose to bring into their innermost circle, a common trait among those with venus in the 11th house. they are highly affectionate and patient, so they will look for someone they are really sure of before committing themselves to them. they clam up if someone insists they commit before they are ready. they enjoy being at home, in their own space, and having someone make meals for them. very drawn to a woman with curves, long hair, the works. classic feminine looks and style.

the other option was venus in aries, which would look for a more down to earth, tomboyish style woman. direct, confident, and straight up-no chaser kind of ladies. independent women who keep things interesting so they never get bored. venus in aries men are the type to love fast and hard, they will be the first to confess feelings and likely the first to break up. they look for women who will challenge them. they like the chase and get bored easily. when a relationship ends, those with venus in a fire sign are likely to blame everything on the other person.

i considered both options but felt that ultimately venus in taurus made the most sense. he has mentioned he likes strong women, and it makes sense that he would model a feminine ideal on his mother the boss lady. however, from what we have seen with his public relationships, they tend to last a while and he still has positive relationships with them via Instagram (so probably not putting all the blame for a relationship failure on them).

mercury in pisces in the 9th house: mercury in pisces makes for a good listener and pleasant conversationalist. active listening all day long. the friend you go to when you need a shoulder to cry on. they are also big talkers, but aren’t the type to necessarily dominate a conversation. mercury in the 9th house indicates an eternal optimist and a desire to always keep learning (lol). they are easily overwhelmed by serious topics, and tend to stray away from them for this reason.

mars in virgo* in the 3rd house: mars in virgo are organized and plan things out ahead of time to make sure they achieve their goals. mars in the third house indicates someone who is a quick conversationalist and comfortable standing their ground in a disagreement. they plot out goals and achieve them, and don’t like things standing in their way. when they come across a conflict they tend towards being calm. like most virgo placements, they are perfectionists and like to win, but want to do so in a dignified manner.

the other possibility here was mars in leo (which was just a few degrees away). mars in leo are big thinkers, highly creative, and great at debating. they are proud people and like to get things done and share them with others. these people tend towards bragging because they want a reward for the work that they’ve done. they are charismatic so they get away with it, but are known as the type that needs to get an award for everything they do.

i went with mars in virgo, because even though he is highly creative there is nothing to indicate that mgg likes to talk about himself and his accomplishments. on the contrary it looks like he tries to downplay them.

jupiter in virgo in the 3rd house: jupiter in virgo finds helping others to be the most rewarding thing in life. they are kind and loyal, and with jupiter in the third house they are always looking to learn something new. highly optimistic, often take on more than they should, but try to juggle it all anyway.

saturn in virgo in the 4th house: saturn in virgo occurs every 25-30 years or so, with the first recurrence being between 2007 and 2010. everyone is expected to have 3 saturn returns in their lifetime, and these are known as periods of self-realization. the next saturn return for virgo is between 2036 and 2039. those with saturn in the 4th house get things done and like to help others. they might have had insecure childhoods (who didn’t in the 80′s) and are looking to build an idealistic family life for themselves to replace what they never had. despite this, they struggle with commitment and being bogged down, so it’s a constant battle. 

uranus in scorpio in the 6th house: uranus in scorpio is for everyone born between 1974 and 1981. these are the babies of generation X, but too old to be millennials. they feel intensely, and often switch from one mood to another. highly adaptable, as they kind of needed to be when you account for the period they became adults (9/11, the recession, etc). placement in the sixth house means that you want to make a difference in the world, but are often scattered in how you get there. it isn’t that you hate work, just that you don’t thrive with structure and get distracted along the way. 

neptune in sagittarius in the 6th house: neptune is in sagittarius for those born between 1970 and 1984. these are idealistic, progressive people who want to see the best in others. neptune in the sixth house means that these people tend to put others at ease and might even have a deeper spiritual connection with the world.

pluto in libra in the 4th house: pluto in libra is a generational placement between 1971 and 1984. these people feel intensely and have difficulty in interpersonal relationships as a result. pluto in the fourth house indicates they avoid conflict if possible, and tend towards being more introverted when they struggle. they aren’t flashy with their pain preferring it to be in private. 

*note: this is a noon chart, meaning i am doing it without an exact birth time. this means that some of the placements could be slightly off when they are at the edge between signs. in those cases i’ve marked them as such and made an educated guess based on interviews. this is typically the process when someone doesn’t know their own birth time for whatever reason. i’ve also included a breakdown of what the alternative placement would suggest.

[parvasilvi]

Old wounds, old friends

Endeavour Fanfic, Post S6E4 Degüello (spoilers ahead) 

The first thing Shirley did when she got home was kick off her shoes. They were elegant black shoes with a low heel; feminine but not impractical. That didn’t mean it wasn’t a relief to take them off. She set them neatly under the coatrack and hung her coat on the peg above them. The other pegs were empty, which meant her housemates were already out for the night; Tiffany had the late shift in the hospital this week, and Betty was out on her third not-a-date with Simon, so neither of them would be home any time soon. Not that Shirley minded. As much as she enjoyed having someone to come home to, it would be nice to have a quiet evening to herself.

She stooped to pick up the evening’s post off the mat and made her way to the kitchen. She sat down, put her stockinged feet on the table (only because Tiffany wasn’t there to yell at her) and thumbed through the post. It was mostly leaflets and pamphlets, but there was also a letter addressed to Betty and a large manilla envelope addressed to Shirley herself.

She smiled when she recognized the expansive handwriting. Dear old Georgina. As expected, the envelope yielded both a letter and a smaller envelope. She set the envelope aside and unfolded the sheets of paper. There were two of them, filled with Georgina’s large, messy writing. Despite being well into her seventies, Georgina refused to admit that her eyesight was going, and wouldn’t visit an optometrist, choosing to magnify her writing by hand instead. The subject matter was of the usual tenor; highlighting her own attentiveness for forwarding the letter, complaints about the dullness of getting old, and requests for Shirley to visit more often. Shirley smiled. Georgina had many faults, but you couldn’t accuse her of subtlety.

 Next, she turned her attention to the envelope that had been forwarded to her. Her good-natured mood snagged on seeing the return address; Oxford. It had been almost a year since she’d heard anything from her old team. She had thought that chapter of her life closed, a history erased behind her as even the station itself had ceased to exist. Yet here was irrefutable proof that the past wasn’t as far away as she’d made believe it was. She tore into the envelope.

The letter was short and to the point, neatly typed out on what must be left-over Cowley Station stationery.

Dear Trewlove,

I hope this letter finds you well. Much has changed in Oxford over the last year. I won’t bore you with the details.

The old Cowley team found Fancy’s murderer. It was a corrupt officer from Robbery, Alan Jago. He was shot while resisting arrest.

I thought you might want to know.

Yours always,

Morse

 Shirley put the letter down and stared unseeing at the kitchen cabinets in front of her. For a moment she was too surprised at the bluntness of the letter to properly feel something about it. The short, pointed sentences had tore into her like bullets, one after the other, ripping open an old wound, and now the pain was slowly seeping past the numbness. "I thought you might want to know," the letter had said. Did she? Was the knowledge worth dredging up old memories? Did she feel better now, knowing George’s death had been avenged? She found that very little had changed with that knowledge. The boy she had loved was still dead. She hadn't recognized the name of his killer.

She wiped at her eyes, sniffed noisily and picked up the letter again. Old wounds, old grief, but also old friends. The news itself meant little, she decided, she didn’t care for vengeance. But the fact that Morse had thought to reach out to her meant all the more. "I thought you might want to know. Yours always, Morse," followed by a phone number. She owed him the courtesy of reaching back. It'd be good to hear his voice.

 Part of Shirley expected him not to pick up. If she'd assessed Morse correctly, he'd have buried himself in work or drink. Yet on the fourth ring, there he was, terse as always “Morse.”

The memory was so visceral it took her breath away. She was a PC again, standing in the doorway of that dusty old station, Strange standing by the evidence board and pretending not to notice her, Morse hunched over at his desk angrily distracted by the phone.

“Hello?” His voice dragged her back to the present.

“Hello. Uh. Hi. It's -” she hesitated, unsure of the level of familiarity to use. To her relief, he filled in the blank for her.

“Trewlove?" A beat of silence. “I didn’t think you would call.”

“Honestly, I didn’t think you’d pick up.” There was a hesitation on the other end of the line and she grinned; she always loved getting him off-balance.

On the other end of the line, Morse got his thoughts back on track. “So you got my letter?”

“I did. Thank you for thinking of me.”

"How are you doing?"

Shirley considered for a moment. “All things? I'm all right,” she answered, and in saying it out loud she realised it was so. She was settling in well enough in London, and happier than she’d expected to be a year ago. “You?”

“Can’t complain,” Morse said.

“Can’t or won’t?” Shirley joked.

He huffed. “Shouldn’t, probably. The universe will hear and decide to give me something properly horrible to complain about.”

Shirley laughed, more out of politeness than for the quality joke. “It’s good to hear from you, Morse.”

“How’s the Yard treating you?”

“Pretty similarly to Cowley, honestly.”

“That bad?”

“It was never bad,” she tutted. Because it hadn’t been, not nearly as bad as it could have been.

“But they underestimate you?”

Shirley grinned. “And I let them. They’ll figure out just how sharp I am in due time.” They lapsed into silence for a moment. Shirley twirled the phone cord around her fingers. “So. How is… everyone?” She realized suddenly that she missed them. She hadn’t taken the time to think back - always focussed on carving a path forward - but it turned out the past was just a phone-call away. She thought of Bright’s kindness, Thursday’s protectiveness, Strange’s chivalry. She had never really fit in there, but at least they’d tried.

“Things were different, for a while, after.” The melancholy in Morse’s voice matched Shirley’s mood. There was some shuffling on the other end of the line, as Morse got up to start pacing. “We all dealt with it differently. Thursday stuck his head in the sand, the stubborn old man.” Shirley raised her eyebrows in surprise, to hear Morse speak so bitterly about his mentor. She had never cared much for Thursday’s old-fashioned ways, but Morse had seemed to respect him. “Strange really needed the closure. He’s a good man, Strange is.” There was something in the undertone of his voice there, an emotion Shirley couldn’t quite put her finger on; jealousy or wistfulness or regret, but she decided not to press, and Morse rambled on. “They buried Bright in Traffic for a while, but he managed to keep an eye on us anyway. He’s as unshakeable as always.”

Shirley smiled and nodded, before turning her attention back on Morse. “And how are you?”

“Oh, you know,” he said, and she could practically hear him draw away from her. “Same old.”

“Morse,” she said sternly. He should know better than to platitude at her.

He heaved a deep sigh. The pacing stopped, and she heard him take as seat while he formulated a more truthful answer. “I guess I’m… Functional?” He said, which at least sounded honest enough. “I bought a house.”

That caught her off guard. “A house?”

“More of a shack really.” Morse said, immediately down-playing his achievement. “I needed a project.”

“Still.” Shirley said. She hadn’t expected Morse to settle down. He didn’t seem like the type. Then again, a lot had changed in the past year, and she couldn’t begrudge him a need for some kind of stability. If she knew anything about Morse, it was that he didn’t do things by halves. Still, Morse owning a house… “I didn’t know you liked remodelling.”

“Me neither. It’s surprisingly fulfilling, scraping away at the old plaster until what was buried resurfaces.”

“Ever the poet. So when should I expect an invite to the house-warming?”

“Oh, not for a while yet. It needs a lot of work.”

“Don’t wait too long,” she said warmly. Morse hummed non-committally, but she hadn’t expected a clear answer anyway. “I should go.”

“Don’t let me keep you,” Morse said. “Yesteday’s leftovers are calling to me.”

“Likewise.”

“I’m glad you called, Trewlove.”

“Let’s talk again soon.”

[a65232-joshywoshy]

Colorado Crybaby

Chapter 11

     Penny's alarm rang. 6am. It would be time to go to work soon. Penny woke up fairly quickly and rolled over to look at Rachael, who was still asleep. A sprig of Rachael's hair covered her left eye. Her lips slightly parted as she drew in a breath. Penny felt like Rachael was perfect for her. She had liked other girls before; they were all pretty, some had a great personality, and others were fun to hang out with. Penny felt like Rachael was all three.

      Penny turned off her alarm and slowly, quietly got out of bed so she wouldn't wake up Rachael. She padded over to the bathroom to take care of her business, then came back out to open her suitcase. Carefully, she unzipped the zipper to get her clothes out. She picked out her usual outfit, a navy blue pant suit. She stripped completely and put on fresh panties and the suit, watching Rachael all the while, making sure not to be loud enough to wake her up.

     It was wonderful just watching Rachael sleep. If she looked close enough, Penny could see Rachael's shoulder rise and fall with her breathing. This was the first woman that Penny found who could mesmerize her without trying. Never before had someone captured Penny's full attention like she did. Now fully dressed for work, except for shoes, Penny watched as Rachael began to stir. It was 6:15, shortly before Rachael would normally wake up for work. Penny sat back in bed facing Rachael, so she could watch her wake up. Penny was always in awe of how this fully grown adult woman could look so small and adorable. Rachael rolled onto her back and took in a deep breath. 

     "Good morning, my sleepy girl. How did you sleep?"

     "Good." Rachael yawned. Her eyes were still closed.

     "Good. It's time to get up and get ready for work. It's time to be an adult, again."

     Rachael let out a little whine.

     "I know. Work isn't fun. But, hey. Today we can go to work together! We'll carpool. It'll make the trees happy."

     Still groggy, she opened her eyes. Rachael perked up a little and said "Happy trees!"

     "Yeah. Happy trees. Come on. Time to get dressed."

     Penny pulled the covers back and Rachael threw her hands over her padded crotch.

     "Are you wet, baby girl?"

     Rachael blushed.

     "Yes you are. You won't have any accidents during the day, will you? I'm asking out of genuine curiosity. I remember you said you wet when you're stressed, but I don't know a hundred percent how that works."

     Rachael sat up and pulled the covers back over her lap.

     "I won't." Rachael looked down at the floral pattern on the comforter. "It's only at night. This… this is still pretty shameful for me. I don't have any good memories of bedwetting. Only bad ones."

     "I'm so sorry." Penny hugged Rachael. "I want to help get rid of this shame you have. There's no reason for anyone to have shame for what their body can or can not do. How can I help you this morning?"

     "You're sweet, but I don't need any help. Thank you." Rachael quickly got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Penny could hear her taking off the diaper in the bathroom. Rachael didn't have any clothes to change into in the bathroom, so Penny found Rachael's pant suit that was similar to hers and took it to the bathroom door. 

     "Penny? Could you…"

     "Bring you your clothes? Yes! I can do that." Penny was cheery this morning. Rachael was not in the best mood. Bedwetting was never a good start to the day, but Penny hoped to lift her spirits. Rachael had helped Penny have a great weekend. Normally, Penny would have moped around her apartment arranging and rearranging decorations pointlessly.

     "I have them right here.”

     Rachael cracked open the door and snatched them out of her hand. “Thanks.”

     “You’re very welcome. What do you want to do for breakfast, Rachael?”

     “I haven’t had breakfast in a while.”

     “Have you been skipping breakfast most days?” Penny was concerned.

     Rachael hadn’t felt hungry for breakfast at all this past week. Everything had been so busy and she had yet to pick out a preferred breakfast, fast food or otherwise. It had been the least of her priorities.

     “I’ve been busy.” Rachael replied. She knew that breakfast was important to Penny. She was sure Penny would invite her to join on her usual breakfast venture. She didn’t mind.

     “Well, we need to change that. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

     Rachael mocked her. “Most important meal of the day.”

     Rachael opened the bathroom door, now dressed and ready for work. Penny playfully swatted Rachael’s butt.

     “HEY!!” Rachael was surprised to get spanked, but she had also intentionally bratted out; testing the waters with her new girlfriend. It was strange to think of their relationship as such, but they were now dating.

     “Little girl, you’re a mess sometimes, too. Come on. I always eat before going to work. There are days when I have to skip lunch. I can’t afford to go without eating like you.”

     “What are you, my mother? I mean,” Rachael smiled. “I don’t really mind. We’re going to have to discuss this mommy dom thing, though.” Rachael sounded slightly annoyed, but she didn’t mean it that way. Penny had gleaned enough from their past conversations to know that she wasn’t truly annoyed deep down. The annoyed sound was just habit, from previous social interactions. They both knew that Rachael wanted a more dominant care giver in her life. They would have to experiment to understand the full depth of what that kind of relationship would entail, but they both knew that Rachael appreciated the structure. Penny wanted that too. She didn’t want an ever present domineering figure over her, but there was a need for a more permanent person in her life with a similar role as Veronica. At the bare minimum, they could be equals, balancing each other out if someone’s behavior started to veer too erratic. They both yearned for stability.

     “While we go get breakfast, I want to talk about that.” 

     They got their purses and left Rachael’s house. 

     “I know it’s not super healthy, but how about McDonalds? You need some kind of food in your belly in the morning. I can’t go without it.”

     As they got in the car, Rachael smiled again. Penny was helping her mood tremendously. Usually, waking up in a wet diaper ruined most of her day. Today was different. Today, a wet morning diaper barely had any emotional weight to it. Penny seemed to be effortlessly lifting her spirits.

     “McDonalds is okay, I guess. It’ll probably go straight to my thighs, but oh well.”

     “That’s the spirit, Rachael. My family always told me that food was the best way to make someone happy.” 

     “Do they have pancakes there? I want pancakes.”

     “Yes, they do. They’re not perfect, but pancakes are pancakes. My abuela makes really good pancakes. We should visit them sometime, so you can meet everyone. We’ve known each other for 5 years and they really want to see you. Especially since we’re dating now.”

     “So you’re out to them already?”

     “Oh, yeah. Abuela knew I liked girls since I was in Junior High. Abuela knows. She just always knows.”

     “Okay. Here we are. How much does a little girl like you eat, anyway?”

     “Maybe I’ll just get an orange juice.” Rachael felt nauseated. She didn’t want to eat.

     “Nope. Sorry. I know you’re hungry. You need to eat something. I’ll get you the big breakfast.”

     Penny ordered 2 big breakfast meals. They came with almost every option you could eat for breakfast; sausage, pancakes, eggs, and hashbrowns. Penny pulled into an empty parking space and handed Rachael her food. Rachael took it and stared at it.

     “You need to eat, sweetheart. Do you have an eating disorder or something?”

     “No. I don’t think so.” Rachael sighed.

     “Then you should eat. Please?” Penny started to eat her food, eggs first. She hoped the smell would entice Rachael to eat.

     Rachael forced herself to take a bite of the hashbrown. It was packaged separately and was the easiest to get to. Never before had food given her joy. There was a level of satisfaction that she had never experienced from just eating before. Rachael chuckled. It wasn’t a chuckle because something was funny. When she learned something new, a deep happiness would rise from inside of her, coming out as a chuckle. Today, she finally learned what so many people meant when they said that the food was good. She finally felt the sheer joy that food brought to some people.

     Hungrily, she ate her food, faster and faster. Penny looked on in amazement. It seemed like every bite was bringing more happiness back to Rachael. I need to make sure this girl stays fed. She does not do well on an empty stomach. 

     “Goodness. Were you hungry?” Penny laughed. “It seems like you were hangry this morning.”

     With a mouthful of food, Rachael replied “Iz reeeally good.” Moments later, her food was gone. Rachael sighed, satisfied. “I’m sorry I was such a grump this morning.” She blotted a syrup drip off her top. “I was very hangry. I have a hard time realizing when I’m hungry sometimes. I don’t think I have hunger cues like other people get. The only way I know I’m hungry is if I feel sick to my stomach, or if it’s breakfast, lunch, or dinner time.

     “That sucks. I’m sorry.”

     “It’s okay. Now I’m ready to go to work.” Rachael burped. “Excuse me!”

     They both laughed as Penny drove them to work. When they arrived and walked inside, the receptionist greeted them. 

     “Mr. Pendleton wanted to see you two when you got here. He says it’s urgent.”

     “Oh?” Penny was curious. The CEO of Imagine Innovations rarely asked for someone indirectly. He usually asked directly or sent an email to do so. Whatever was needed, it must have been too urgent for him to take the time to use his normal method.

     “He’s in his office.”

     “Okay. Thank you.”

     Penny and Rachael walked toward Mr. Pendleton’s office in the back of the building. 

     “I wonder what this is about, Penny?” Rachael sounded a little nervous. She worried about having lackluster performance after moving here. Her pessimism seemed to grow as they got closer. Rachael wondered if they might consider firing her. Maybe there were layoffs that needed to happen.

     “I don’t know, Rachael. It’s odd that he would call us in like this. Something weird is going on.”

     They got to his office and his door was closed, as it usually was. He was rarely open to people just walking in. Penny knocked. He could be seen through the front glass wall of his office. He was on the phone with someone else and gestured for them to wait while he finished the call. Shortly after, Robert and another woman arrived. 

    "Hey, Robert. Good Morning." Penny shook his hand.

    "Good morning, Penny. Rachael."

    "Good morning."

    "I don't recognize you. What's your name?" Penny shook hands with the woman.

     "Min-seo Kim. You can call me Kim." She spoke her name with a Korean accent, but her English had no accent at all. Rachael thought she must be bilingual.

     "Nice to meet you, Kim."

     "Nice to meet you."

     "Is it normal for new hires to meet the CEO" Kim asked.

     "No." Penny said. "This is all weird."

     The door opened.

     "Come on in, everybody."

     The group gathered in his office. It was surprisingly cramped for a CEO's office, but that's how they knew he preferred his accommodations. Everyone took a seat in the 4 chairs that lined the front and side of the office.

      "I bet you're wondering why I've gathered you here today."

      He pulled 4 manila folders from a desk drawer and handed one to everyone.

      "I'm sure it seems odd that I've selected 2 of my most experienced staff and 2 of my least experienced staff. Well, I didn't pick any of you based on seniority. Penny, you have mechanical experience, as well as management experience. Rachael, you have a mind for mathematics and numbers. Robert, medical experience and problem solving skills. Kim, you have networking, programming and abstract thinking skills. Together, you’re an unstoppable team. That’s really good for Imagine Innovations. We’re on the verge of a major breakthrough. The problem you have to solve is one that’s stumping mechanical and computer engineers alike. We have a computer that needs to be started, and it seems we need help turning it on. Penny, I want you to take a van down to Buckley Air Force Base. The badge in your folder has access and clearance for all of you. I expect results in one week. Any questions? No. Good. Away you go to the garage.”

     With that short speech, Mr. Pendleton stood up, handed Penny a van key and gestured out of his office. This move was even more to-the-point than normal for this CEO. Everyone could tell he had an unmatched level of interest in this project. A project that none of them had known about before. While not unheard of, a project that was being tested at a secure location in an air force base was rare. 

     As the four walked out to the garage, Penny took charge of the group and volunteered herself to drive. 

     “Does anybody need anything before we go? Except the front seat. I’m driving and my girlfriend gets shotgun.” Penny said to the group.

    Everyone was good with what they brought. Everyone was caught before setting anything down at their work area, so they all had what they needed already.

     “Oh, you’re dating. That’s cool. I can surrender the front seat. No problem.” Robert was excited to be out of the office. Having a desk job again felt constraining after working a job requiring physical labor. 

     “No kissy face, you two.” Kim said, chuckling.

     “No kissy face. I promise, Kim.” Penny replied.

     The group got into the van and settled in. It was about a thirty minute drive, so everyone would have a chance to discuss what just happened. 4 co-workers had just been tasked with a major and secretive project that they knew nothing about. Not only would they have to solve a difficult task, but they lacked specific knowledge that may help them in the situation. At any rate, they knew a difficult challenge lay ahead.

[mystic-scripture]

Prolific Scene: Grief Assessments

Continuing off my post from here, I’m making my way through the ten week time lapse. I’m still not sure If I’ll do anyone as in depth as this one or her one for Spencer, but I do want to make an attempt at going through all the team. Nothing has really jumped at me for Rossi or Garcia (ironic given their family, but it’s explained in this) and I don’t think Wendy would have that much of a relationship with Ashley. Anyway, enough rambling, and on to the writing.

Wendy sat on Hotch’s couch, her knee bouncing and her arms crossed as she glanced at him across the coffee table. She knew she was reading as closed off, and that it would be recorded along with everything else. He was profiling her before they even spoke about the elephant in the bullpen so to speak. That was, in fact, the entire point of these mandatory grief assessments. Except, traditionally speaking, it was something the whole team underwent, and Strauss was the one to conduct them. 

So why she was sitting in front of her SSA, she didn’t know. If anything it strengthened her arguments that she’d been having with herself. She hadn’t forgotten about the suspicious behavior between him and JJ. So, while he was having his go at profiling her she was doing it right back, or at the very least attempting to. Unfortunately, he had been at this a lot longer than she had, and everything she learned was from him. It was part of the reason she was stubbornly waiting for him to initiate, trying to parse out who could stay silent longer. The answer came after she took a sip of the offered tea without breaking eye contact. 

“I suppose I’ll start with answering the question you're making a point not to ask.” He said, stating the obvious first. “Why am I doing this instead of Strauss?”

“That would be because I know that every member of this team, present company included, finds her to be an evil that isn’t necessary at this time. More accurately, she’s a dragon that we don’t bother unless we really have no other options.” She quipped, offering a shrug as she put the tea down and returned her arms to their crossed position. 

“That is,” he cleared his throat, trying to control the smile that tried to twitch at the corners of his mouth. “Certainly one way to put it.”

“Well I figured it was more diplomatic than ‘Heinous Bitch’.” She offered a half smile of her own. “Probably would look better on paper, too.”

She felt her smile grow as she earned one, paired with a small chuckle from her boss. She always felt a swell of bride in getting him to smile, aside from being Jack, it was rare to achieve it. She didn’t let it show though, raising an eyebrow as if to challenge him to contradict her. They both knew he wasn’t going to, the point to break the tension between them.

“Besides, given your need to control this team with everything you have…” She mused, swirling her mug slowly in one hand. “And how close to the vest the team plays it amongst each other, let alone any perceived outsiders; you were the logical solution.”

She watched the subtle twitch in his eye as she called him out for his alpha male personality, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he focused on her, allowing his attention to shift ever so slightly where she could slip past his walls. It was a blend of Rossi and his teachings; lighten the mood then attack the subject’s pride. He nodded slowly, his eyes shifting up and down her face. His face was set into the neutral, yet stern expression. Lips and eyebrows were straight, and to the point, much like his speech patterns. From what she could tell, everything was annoyingly familiar. The pause broke as she sighed, deciding that getting to the point was best for both of them.

Wendy pulled her lips inward, biting the middle before puffing them out. As he refocused his gaze, she stated the truth. “Denial and Anger.”

“What?” 

He shook his head, as if he didn’t understand. She knew that he did, of course, it was just a ploy to make her comfortable enough to continue talking. Blue eyes met brown in annoyance, rolling slightly when they found nothing. 

“That’s where I am right now.” She clarified, unable to stop her hands from twisting with each other. “Five stages of grief and all that? I mean yes I’d agree that I’m depressed, as well, and there has been plenty of bargaining. Hell, I wouldn’t be lying if I sat here and said I still feel all of them aside from acceptance. But Denial and Anger...those two are the most prevalent.” 

“So what do you do?”He relaxed with her familiar babbling, but only slightly, his hand moving along the lined pad of paper in his lap. “How do you rationalize it?” 

“Well, Denial is self explanatory and common in cases like this.” She recited, her voice taking a clinical approach. 

Her body, however, betrayed her as she started picking at her fingernails. She’d only started the habit after the funeral, but it was oddly comforting to her. Whether or not Hotch noticed it, wasn’t shown in his face, but indicated in the new writing on his pad. She didn’t pause, pushing forward as she felt her knowledge push away her feelings, if only for a moment. 

“This can’t be happening, I can’t believe she’s gone…” She placed the tea back on the table, rotating in his direction. “This has to be some twisted nightmare, so on and so forth.” 

“But the anger?” Hotch pressed, his eyes not leaving his notes. “Where would you say that is currently placed?”

“I could lie to you and say that it’s hard to pinpoint.” She stated, picking her words carefully. She knew that in order to get something from him, she was going to need to give. However, her methods were all she had against him. “Doyle for his part in it, Emily herself for running away, Me and Derek...but that is mostly logic and the aforementioned bargaining talking more than my actual feelings.” 

“Why Derek?” His face softened with curiosity. “Was there a shortcoming that wasn’t mentioned in your reports, something that he did wrong?” 

“No, we played it straight, it’s nothing like that.” Wendy sighed,  standing up to pace, her hands weaving her thought process in front of her. “He did everything he was supposed to, he stayed and tried to stabilize her, clearing the room before stopping. It was me who messed up. I pushed forward leaving in a futile attempt of hubris. We didn’t both need to be there, and he had backup, so I ran down the hall, trying to track Doyle.”

“But he was gone,” She paused, her hands freezing along with her legs. “I hadn’t seen the extent of her injuries, he’d gotten to her so quickly. When I heard him call out for help, I doubled back so fast I’m surprised I was able to stay upright after. I’d foolishly thought she was fine, I thought-I don’t even know what I thought, all I could do was stand there and stare after calling for the medic.”

 She gulped, blinking so as not to focus on it. She’d refused to do a cognitive interview for this very reason. She hadn’t wanted to think about it, her mind compartmentalizing it behind a wall of facts. She hesitated, she froze, and she hated herself for it. Having let the truth out for the first time, she felt a knot twist in her gut. She hadn’t even told Spencer about that, and Derek told her not to mention it. They’d done the best they could and that was what mattered on paper. But paper didn’t keep the nightmares at bay, and paper didn’t twist into her everyday thoughts to shame her. 

A silence fell over the room as she slowly slumped back onto the couch, cradling the teacup in her hands. It wasn’t particularly hot anymore, her hands barely feeling the heat within, but it was something that kept her hands busy. She’d given up on her own hunt into Hotch’s mind, her thoughts circling around her confession. 

“Wendy…” She turned to meet her mentor’s gaze. “Are you in any way qualified to help with the sort of injuries Emily sustained? Do you have a medical degree?” 

“No.” She shook her head. “I’m the on field tech support.”

“If that’s what you need to hear, the yes.” He tilted his head as if to accept her self depreciation. “So, what could you have possibly done to help in that situation.” 

“Look, I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to work.” She mumbled, setting the tea down to level her gaze at him. “Intellectually, I get it, I shouldn’t blame myself, we did everything we could. Everything was done right.”

She grit her teeth watching the pen scratch across the paper, eyes barely leaving hers. 

“But with all due respect, Hotch you weren’t there. I deserve to feel like this, to let this guilt fill me. When it really mattered most,  I cared too much about the suspect than I did about my own teammate. I left her bleeding out on the floor while I chased a lost cause. I was too focused on my job to worry about my friend.” 

“I may not be as smart or have a steel trap of a mind like Reid does, but I still could have worked something out. Looking back there are several ways I could have helped. I should have known, something, anything that could help. But instead, I froze, and just stood there: useless. Sure I called for Medics, sure I told Derek not to pull the plank of wood she had sticking out of her stomach, but what did that to in the end?” 

“Morgan did the only thing you could have done.” Hotch raised his eyebrows at the look she gave him. “Think about it, he applied pressure, and was there for her until someone qualified showed up. You did the right thing.” 

“Again, logically, I am aware of that.” She sniffed, rubbing at her nose stubbornly. “But the stupid chemicals in my brain that control emotions that have a different idea.”

“Then let’s talk about how you’re coping with that.” The pad slid onto the coffee table, his entire focus on her now. While she didn’t meet his gaze, she could feel it, the usual intensity of it gone as concern came to the forefront. “How is this affecting you and Reid?”

“I can’t provide an answer for that.” Wendy stated, averting her gaze just as quickly as she met it.

“Can’t or Won’t?”

She bit her lip in thought, debating the answer. How could she tell him that it was both? She knew it would come up eventually; it was inevitable. Ever since the hospital, things had been strained between them, Wendy watching Spence slowly slip away from her. This was different than when Gideon left, different from when he was using. They’d been uncharacteristically distant and she didn’t know how to help him. Usually, she was instant on her presence, and letting him know she was there. This time though, this time that was only met with deflection and him pulling away. If she was to be honest, this was the part she really didn’t want to talk about.  

“Let’s just say things aren’t quite normal at the moment.” She stated, doing her best to keep her body language as neutral as possible. “And answering your question would require me to interact with him enough to form a diagnostic for you to interpret.” 

“So you haven’t seen each other? What about Garcia?” His brow furrowed, lips falling into a slight frown. “You’ve at least seen her and talked to her, have you?” 

“She’s my cousin, obviously I’ve seen her.” She snipped, offended by the implication that she was isolating herself on purpose. It made the guilt of trying to read his expression dissipate a little, especially when she recalled some microexpressions when she recounted the incident they were here about. But only a little

“And I’m not providing any profiling of her.” Rushed out of her lips, a little harsher than she intended. “She’s pretty easy to read as it is, you don’t need insider trading.” 

He let out a ‘hmm’ of interest, making her look up at him quizzically. “There’s no need, I’ve already assessed her. Though, she did the same thing, maybe with a little less hostility. She also knows that she can’t read you.” 

“Not for lack of trying on her part. She even tried to take me to a couple sessions of the group she runs.” Wendy rolled her eyes. “Trust me, it’s better for everyone involved that I not participate in group therapy scenarios.” 

She thought there was an ever so slight wince at her words. If it was in regards to how she reacted to Penelope, or if it was the use of ‘trust me’ she wasn’t sure. But there was no denying the pull to his lip, almost like she’d said something that disappointed him. She didn’t look at him head on, acknowledging her solidarity in the feeling. Nervous about what he wrote, she instead focused on him from the corner of her vision, playing with her mug again. 

A part of her thought it was an appropriately nice and thorough gesture on Hotch’s part; grabbing one of her own mugs. It showed his care in his team outside of the professional scope. Wendy felt a slight uptick in her pulse, a physical manifestation of anxiety, when he spent a few more seconds than previously on his notes. She kept quiet though, sipping at her drink as she kept a subtle gaze on him. When he was done, she tilted her head in tandem with him, ready to continue. 

“Maybe you don’t grieve in the same ways, but have you talked to her?” She shook her head slowly, causing him to push on. “But isn’t that what family’s for, comforting each other in times of loss? Why build up the walls?” 

“Because I know Penny, and she is going to push all her own stuff aside to focus on someone else.” Wendy placed her drink down with a sigh. “And that is a distraction to the team that we can’t afford. I also know that while she means well, when it comes to things like this, her comfort is ineffective. At least with me, anyway. She has enough raw emotion on her own without lumping my emotions and relationships into a loss that affects both of us.” 

“So there is something you’re avoiding telling me about your relationship?” He held up his hands, putting the pad down. “Saying this as a friend, not your supervisor, but that rings an opposing tune to your deflection earlier.” 

“Doesn’t necessarily make it an invitation to pry.” She defended, smiling despite her blunt tone. 

She couldn’t help it; it was challenging to be so guarded around Hotch. She hated herself for harboring these suspicions, knowing he has and will always put the team first. The man lost his wife long before she was killed by his enemy. However, his line of questioning was a little too pointed for her to ignore. Not that she was. She wasn’t crazy, she saw Hotch and JJ talking in the hospital, she saw the looks they shared at the funeral. It wasn’t her grasping at straws, it wasn’t her grief making up illusions in her mind, she was sure of it. She knew how to separate emotion from reality. Or so she thought, but seeing the culmination of his efforts to make her feel comfortable gave her doubts.

“While that’s a fair statement, there’s a part of you that wants to discuss it.” He said, pulling Wendy from her thoughts and back to the conversation at hand. “What’s on your mind?”

She ran her tongue over her teeth, fighting against his soothing tone. “Whether or not you asked him anything regarding our personal relationship.” 

“Deflect all you want,” He said, leaning back in his chair with a sigh. “But it’s your subconscious that keeps circling back to it.”

“Don’t know why, there isn’t much to tell.” She picked up the mug to take another sip of tea. “I already told you; we haven’t really seen each other much.” 

“But he’s your partner, in more ways than one.” Hotch reminded her, “Which makes that unusual for the pair of you, correct?” 

“We’ve worked three cases, in which you’ve been pairing me with Rossi or Morgan, each had our own parole consults, and I’ve been helping Penny narrow down cases to take on.” She deadpanned, “We may have lost a team member, but the killers didn’t slow down.”

“That never seemed to stop you two before.” He mused, raising an eyebrow. “You two have been here later than me sometimes when I know neither of you had particularly heavy work loads.”  

She paused, not willing to give into him with that. Yes, they were rather physical for a lot longer than they were together, but that wasn’t what he was asking. The emotions were something they still worked on day to day, and that was all she was going to discuss with her coworker. Unfortunately, her face warmed, and her eyes widened in surprise, giving him everything he needed anyway.

“Well, now that you’ve confirmed it, thanks by the way I owe Rosse twenty bucks.” He gave her a look where he had a half smile, but his eyes challenged her to call him on his bluff. She decided on laughing humorlessly, rolling her eyes. 

“Not that it’s any of your business, either of yours, there’s more to it than that.” She explained, tapping her foot a couple of times. “You know what, okay, I’ll admit it, I’m worried about him. Ever since the hospital and the funeral it feels like he’s pulling away from me even when he’s there, but that’s grief. I’m not going to force him on the issue when I know that JJ’s been helping him. When he needs me he knows where I am so that I can do my part, until then, I can’t really do or say anything else at the moment without sounding callous or jealous.” 

“What about, your needs?” Hotch said, sounding genuinely concerned for her. She avoided his gaze, not wanting the confirmation. “You suffered a loss as well, and we’ve spent this entire conversation circling it outside of your confession that you’re angry at yourself for something you couldn’t control. It hardly seems fair for you to help anyone without processing your own feelings.” 

 “I know, but that’s pain.” She stated, shrugging her shoulders slightly. “As the Dread Pirate Wesley said: ‘Life is pain. Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something.’”

“On that note, I think that’s where we’ll stop. For today, at the very least, I may call upon you again.” Hotch stood, moving to open the door for her. “Until then, know that my door is always open.” 

“Technically you just had it closed.” She teased, stretching upwards and taking her empty mug with her. “But thank you, I do appreciate it.” 

He gave her a quick smile, nodding to her as she made her exit. Wendy offered a half smile in return before starting the walk down to the bullpen. A part of her wanted to throw him a bone, tell him that maybe she was jealous. JJ was in the picture far longer than Wendy had, and she knew about his crush. Their similarities had always been a source of insecurity. That is until she paused on the stairs, to glance back at him. 

She doubted he was even aware of it, but she watched him, his figure moving ever so slightly as released whatever tension he was holding. If he was going to keep secrets from her, it was more than fair that she do the same.

Wendy Tag: @abbyarcxnes​ @raging-violets​ @perfectlystiles​ @curious-kittens-ocs​ @starcrossedjedis​ @foxesandmagic​ (Want to be added, hmu!)

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

Hello!!! I've never done this before so I hope I'm doing it right lol. I was wondering if I could request forced out of the closet + titans!dick grayson?

You’re doing just fine!! Thank you so much for this prompt, I was really excited to do it and I hope I’ve done it justice. Also I hope you don’t mind I added some past Dick/Joey and kind of maybe bash Donna, Hank, and Dawn a little itty bitty bit. kdfhjdhjakshkj. just to be clear, there is no cheating in this fic, but Dawn uses that stereotype to her advantage :x

written for the @badthingshappenbingo square “forced out of the closet”. x’s are finished, asterisks are requested, and the last two are free! many thanks to @whateverrrrwhatever for betaing even tho she isn’t even in this fandom

—-

“How fucking long have you been lying to us, exactly?” Hank demands, fury emanating off him in waves.

I wasn’t! He wants to shout back, I wasn’t lying! But in order to do that, Dick would have to lift his head out of his hands, stand up from where he’s sitting on the second level, and meet Hank’s eyes. Or anyone’s eyes, really. They’re all here, the old Titans and the new ones and Rose fucking Wilson. The only way this could possibly be any worse is if Bruce were here, too, but thank god, Dick isn’t that unlucky.

“It can’t be true,” Donna says, but she sounds unsure. She’s doubting him and not even trying to hide it. That’s never happened before. “Dick, tell us what he said wasn’t true.”

“So what if it was?” And that’s Rachel, defensive on his behalf. “I don’t understand why you’re all so upset if Dick’s bi—”

He doesn’t hear the rest of what she says, his heart pounding in his ears. They all know now, and he wasn’t the one to tell them, didn’t get to decide who or when or how. Slade just broadcast it out for all of them to hear and make with what they will, and of course, it’s nothing good. There’s a reason, he thinks, that he’s never told any of them. Not Kory, who he thinks he could trust with anything, or the kids, who so desperately want to know and connect with the real him. Not even Donna, who’s always been his best friend.

“He’s been lying to us, Rach,” Dawn says, and her voice is so soft and so steely, the way it always gets when she’s angry. And she has reason to be, he knows that, but it still hurts. “He lied to us about what happened with Jericho, and that’s—that’s not just something we can walk away from.”

“No,” Hank agrees, worked up. “No, it’s not.”

“He was just lying about a relationship! What’s so wrong with that?” Gar asks. His arms are probably crossed, but Dick doesn’t want to look up to see.

“Nothing,” Kory says, but her voice gets overpowered by Dawn’s.

“How about the fact that he was in relationship with me already?” Dawn shoots back. Dick thinks about how they broke up days before Garth’s death, and were just playing at being together until after his birthday, to avoid ruining it for him. Afterward, they never spoke about it, drifting away from each other, grief and revenge more important than anything else. It wasn’t until after Joey died that they finally, officially ended. “If he could lie about that, then he could be lying about anything. About everything .”

“Dick…,” Donna says, and she’s closer now, but not close enough not close enough to touch him, which is the last thing he wants. “Tell us it’s not true.”

Everyone is staring at him, he can tell. He can feel it: the weight of their gazes and confusion and anger. Dick lifts his head finally, and his eyes feel heavy and hot. No tears fall. He has to be strong here, can’t let it show any more than he already is how much this situation fucking sucks.

“It is,” he rasps, clearing his throat once the words are out.

Donna jerks back like she’s been slapped.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he thinks. Coming out is supposed to be private. Personal. Safe. It’s supposed to be him sitting these people down and saying he loves people no matter what gender they are, and these people loving and supporting him no matter what. Instead, Slade hacked their speaker system and gladly outed him.

There’s no love and support in the room right now.

He has to pull himself together, needs them to understand. Stronger, he says, “It is true. Joey and I were together.”

Jason’s gaze is bouncing between everyone in the room, and Dick wonders how much the kid is going to hate him now. And Rose, she’s tense and ready to fight him, and he can see that it won’t take much to set her off. The others are still staring at him, the older Titans coiling with hurt, the newer ones just confused.

“Was it worth it?” Hank asks, breaking the silence. “Was he that good of a lay that you had to betray us?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Dick stands, trying to ignore how tight his chest feels. He’s finding it more difficult than usual to pretend he’s perfectly fine. Convincing himself means he can convince the others. Right now, no one is fooled. “I didn’t betray you.”

“Really? ‘Cause it sounds like you were cheating on Dawn, fucking the enemy, and lying about it for five years!” Donna explodes. “Sounds like fucking betrayal to me!”

“Joey wasn’t our enemy—!”

“How do we know you weren’t feeding him information the whole time?” Dawn interrupts, and Dick freezes, shocked by the accusation. “Were you telling him our secrets so he could go and tell Slade everything, and help him get under our skin, in our heads?”

“No! How could you even think that?”

Ignoring his words, Donna asks, “How long were you and Joey even together?”

“Not that long,” he admits, fists clenching by his sides. “It only started once he came to live here.”

“Live-in double agent,” Hank says wryly. “How convenient.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Dick protests.

“Then how was it?” Rose demands, stomping forward. “How exactly was it? You were using and manipulating my brother for information and for sex? What a stand up guy you are.” For all her tone is bone-dry, he can see tears threatening to spill from her eye.

Dick thinks about Joey’s smile. His eyelashes. How he pulled away from every kiss grinning, like it was a dream come true. The meals they ate together, and how Joey spent whole afternoons trying to teach him a few phrases in ASL, and only laughed a little, kindly, when Dick messed up. How he’d told Dick he was fine keeping their relationship on the down low, that he understood Dick wasn’t out yet and wouldn’t push. What he looked like, lying dead on the ground, killed trying to protect Dick, who’d fucked up every step of the way.

It was real, he wants to say. I had nightmares for months afterward, and even now it hurts to think about him. There’s a reason I never told any of you, and it’s not just because I wasn’t sure how you’d react.

But it wasn’t real. Not fully, anyway. For every sincere moment, there were two more where Dick was doing what the others wanted him to do—becoming Batman, using Joey to their advantage. For every time he thought it was wrong to treat Joey that way, he never put a stop to it. It was easy to get lost in Joey, in exploring feelings Dick had never—and has never, ever since—let himself know. Their relationship had felt safe, in a way. Even with all the subterfuge, Joey knew about Robin, and he’d never worried about it. Dick had felt free for the short time they had been together.

It was real, but it wasn’t.

“It’s complicated,” he says finally. Rose won’t like it, but how can he explain it all? How can he explain that he hadn’t wanted things with Joey to get serious, hadn’t wanted him to die, hadn’t been able to even think about telling anyone about his sexuality without an avalanche of grief and guilt burying him? “I—I wasn’t trying to hurt him.”

Joey’s smile, his eyelashes, his kindness. He was like the sun peeking over the horizon. He deserved better than Dick.

Dawn and Donna both scoff. Hank says, “You’re fucking pathetic. Not trying to hurt him got him killed. Great fucking job, asshole.”

Kory steps up beside Dick, a hand coming up to rest on his shoulder. It’s like an anchor, stabilizing, and something he desperately needs right now. Her thumb makes a slow, calming circle as she turns on the others. “Yelling at him isn’t going to help shit. Why don’t you all go do your jobs and figure out if this Slade guy hacked us remotely, or if he’s here and we need to suit up?”

“Oh, he’s probably here,” Rose says through gritted teeth. “And I’m going to fucking kill him.”

She heads towards the elevators, and Donna follows, fists clenched. At Kory’s raised eyebrow, Hank and Dawn leave too. The kids move toward them, like they’re closing ranks. Gar’s biting his lip nervously. Rachel has her arms crossed over her stomach and Jason looks lost in thought.

Without the older Titans, the mood of the room feels lighter, but Dick finds that isn’t a good thing. Like he’s a puppet with his strings cut, he falls back onto the step, his skin crawling.

Kory sits next to him, her hand going down to rest on his back. Softly, she asks, “Are you okay?”

He wonders if Jason’s going to tell Bruce. Wonders if Donna, Hank, and Dawn will ever forgive him. Hopes Rachel and Gar don’t hate him now. Hates how much her kindness right now only reminds him of Joey.

With a deep sigh, he says, “I’ll be fine.”

----

If you enjoyed this, please reblog! Leave a comment in the tags maybe? 

[justanotherdeadgirlwalking]

That is Just the Saddest F**king Thing I Have Ever Heard.

TW obviously DEH is about a kid’s suicide, so it has those themes 

other parts :)

Part Two.

I wake up to the sound of an obnoxious beeping. Its rhythmic, constant, like a metronome. I feel something tight on my arm, squeezing the shit out of it. I tense up hoping to provide some relief, but it just gets tighter and tighter. There is a long loud beep, and the grip on my arm loosens. I go to feel what it is, but I can’t move arms. I can’t move anything actually. I’m trying to wiggle my body to turn over, but I can’t; I’m stuck the way that I am. Shit, did those pills make me paralyzed? I can hear people talking, but their voices are so low, I can’t make out what they’re saying. I should’ve listened to my headphones at a lower volume. Now, I’m 17 and deaf, among all my other issues.

My eyes feel so heavy, like there are weights hanging from my eyelashes to keep them close. I finally gather enough strength and open my eyes. I grimace as the brightness of the white florescent lights above me momentarily blind me. Where am I? The beeping speeds up to a less constant beat and the voices stop. I hear footsteps walk towards me, and I force my eyes shut. Someone plays with a machine behind me with a symphony of beeps and buzzes. They walk away, and then the voices start up again, louder. I slowly pick up my heavy head, and I glance around. I’m in the hospital. I look down at my body, there are purple Velcro restraints securing each of my limbs to the bed. They think I’m dangerous, cool.

I point my gaze in the direction of the voices, its Mom and Dad talking to some lady in scrubs, a nurse probably. She looks nervous; she’s biting her lip and playing with her hands. I can’t make out what they’re saying. Mom looks like she’s crying, sobbing actually. Dad has his back turned to me, but he’s making large gestures with his arms; he must be mad about something.

Their conversation goes on for what feels like hours. Mom and Dad keep asking questions, and the nurse just keeps saying “I’m so sorry, we don’t have answers.”  I stare at them, hoping one of them will notice me. Eventually, the nurse notices my gaze and makes eye contact with me. She makes a surprised gasp and smiles at me. Her smile is larger than any other smile I have ever been greeted with my whole life, and it looks genuine. Though, she’s probably relieved for the conversation to end. The nurse walks over to my side and squats down, so she is eye level with me, “Hi sweetie, I’m Heidi” she says. She has a kind voice, “how do you feel?”

“I’m okay” I barely croak out, almost as a whisper. The nurse, Heidi, just smiles at me.

“I’ll let the doctor know he’s awake,” she says, standing up and hurrying out of the room.

Mom and Dad come and sit in the chairs next to the bed. Mom looks at me with a half-smile as tears fill her eyes; Dad gives me a cold, blank, emotionless stare. “H-hi” I barely let out. Mom motions for me to be quiet, shushing me. “What happened?” I whisper. Mom reaches over the rails of the hospital bed to take my hand; she shoves one of her fingers into the restraints, moving it back and forward as if she was trying to stroke it.

“They found you in the park, slumped over” she chokes out between tears, “you weren’t breathing, you barely had a pulse. No one thought you were going to make it.”

“You really scared us” Dad says, with a flat, emotionless voice, “You can’t keep doing shit like this to prove a point.”

Oh, sorry Larry, I guess I forgot to take your feelings into consideration when I did something brash and stupid. I don’t know what point I was trying to prove, but I’m glad you got the message. I am sincerely sorry; sorry to disappoint you that I am still here; sorry you have to pay for another hospital bill for your freak son. He’s always been so apathetic with any of my struggles. He always thinks I’m faking it or doing it for the attention. Why the fuck would I literally try to kill myself for attention? I’d be dead, and unable to receive the attention. Sure, people would talk about me, pretend to be sad about it, but they would get over it in two weeks. That’s just how it goes. We see tragedy after tragedy. A hurricane in Puerto Rico? How sad, I’ll donate to the Red Cross. A school shooting? They’re in my thoughts and prayers. And then we just move on like there’s more important things to do.

Heidi walks back in with another lady, who I’m assuming is the doctor. “Hi, I’m Dr. Johnson,” the lady says, “How are you feeling Connor?”

“I’m fine, I’m just thirsty and my nose itches” I say, raising my arm to draw attention to the restraints, hoping to get out of them.

“Those are just a precaution,” Dr. Johnson says removing the Velcro from around wrists and ankles. I open and close my hands, wiggling my fingers, relieved to be free again.  “We weren’t sure when you were going to wake up, or how you would react when you woke up.” She takes a long pause, “you were out for a very long time, and you had very dangerous levels of fluoxetine in your system when you were found. We just need to run a few tests and observe you for a bit before we can let you go. We also arranged for you to talk with someone from Psych so we can baseline how you are feeling and put in a support system for you.” She smiles at me, and then motions for Mom and Dad to follow her out into the hallway.

Great, that’s all I need, some psychologist to come talk to me and tell me I’m fucked. Trust me, I already know. I’ll have to explain that no I wasn’t feeling depressed or suicidal, I’m just impulsive; I just made a really dumb split decision. That’s what most of the shit I do is anyways, a dumb decision. Like the time I crashed my car. I lied and said there was a deer in the road, and that I swerved to miss it, but really I had a sudden impulse to crash my car for literally no reason. Luckily, I walked away unscratched, but I totaled the car. Larry was pissed. Not only did I wreck a brand-new car, one that he gave to me as a gift, but I also raised the insurance rates. Now, I’m not allowed to drive at all until I can afford to replace the sedan. Considering that I don’t have a job, I am probably never going to get behind the wheel again.

Then, I’m going to talk about all my problems, and this psychologist person is going to write me another prescription to “try to help.” Isn’t a prescription what got us into this mess in the first place? How long are they going to try to pump me full of drugs before they realize that it’s not working.

How long was I out for, a few hours? A few days? What day is it? How much school have I missed? I can only imagine the stories going around to explain my absence. Would Zoe hear them? Would she defend me? Where is she anyways? She probably doesn’t care that her big brother was dying, hell, she probably prayed that I’d stay away this time. It’s not like we’re close, but we’re not enemies either. Surely, she has to care about me, even a little bit.

We were really close when we were younger. She’d want to do everything I did. If I was playing with cars, she wanted to play with cars. If I wore a blue shirt, she wanted to wear blue too. I used to hate it when we were younger, I just wanted to do whatever I wanted without having to worry about having a shadow. Of course, when I misbehaved too I always heard the “you’re a role model” bit, the “she looks up to you” and the “she does everything you do” speeches. How could I expose Zoe to the truth, that her perfect big brother wasn’t actually perfect? That he was actually a fucked-up kid. For years I locked myself in my room and screamed at her to leave me alone. She would sit in the hallway and cry until I would let her in; she fought for me, for my attention. Eventually, Zoe stopped fighting for me, and really lost all interest in me completely. She grew up. She learned to see me the same way that the rest of the world did, as a freak.

Maybe she told everyone to mind their business. Maybe she told them I overdosed in a children’s park. Whatever the rumor is, it’s going change how people see me. It’s an opportunity I’ve been waiting my whole life to have, and I had to almost die to get it. Maybe, I’ll be Connor Murphy the fucking drug addict, who does hard drugs like anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. Maybe I’ll be able to fit in with the stoners. Who knows? I’ll no longer be the freak Connor Murphy. Maybe I’ll be the Connor Murphy, the kid that tried to kill himself, and everyone will pity me. No, I think that’s worse. I’d defiantly much rather be known as a freak than to be pitied by all these fake mother fuckers that didn’t care about me a week ago, or a month ago.

Mom walks back in, “Honey, your friend Evan Hansen is here to see you,” I see him wave from behind her, “I’ll give you two some time alone.” Evan walks in and sits in the chair next to my bed, his cast is gone. He looks so nervous that he is literally shaking.

“M-my, my mom said that you woke up. We didn’t think you were going to. Zoe said I should’ve waited to come see you, so you could readjust, but I feel so guilty that I-I made her drive me here. I had to see you… immediately.” He says, stuttering through every word. Why does he feel guilty? I mean he was the last person I talked to before I passed out in the park. Maybe he feels bad for writing his weird sex letter about Zoe. Zoe? Zoe brought him here.

“Where’s Zoe?” I ask him.

“Sh-she’s in the hallway, she doesn’t want to see you yet,” he says. Of course, she doesn’t want to see me, she doesn’t want to deal with the mess that I am. “She just needs a little more time to process everything that’s happened, and now that you’re awake, none of us know how everything that happened is going to fit in with you in the picture. A lot of stuff happened while you were, while you were,” he jesters at me and the bed, “but, it’s okay and actually you have an apple orchard now.”

“I have an apple orchard?” I ask, Jesus Christ how long was I asleep? “You’re going to explain ‘everything’ to me right now.” I spit at him.

“Yeah uh, it’s a funny story actually,” he continues, “so when you were found you still had my letter in your pocket and everyone thought that it was your suicide note and that you wrote it to me because we were best friends,” he’s talking really fast, “and your parents came to school and told me that you tried to kill yourself and about the note and I didn’t know how to tell them that it was actually a letter I wrote to myself as an assignment from my therapist.” He pauses to breath.

“Okay, that doesn’t explain how I have an apple orchard.” I say, confused.

“Right,” he takes a deep breath before talking really fast again, “well I lied to your parents and said that we had a secret friendship where we sent emails to each other, Jared was in on it, and I gave your parents the fake emails and they took me in as their own, since they were so happy that you had a friend.”

“You did what now?” I ask him, cutting him off.

“It’s a really long story” he sighs, “but please, can you go along with it, please?”

Is this a fucking joke? The same kid that wrote freaky shit about my sister, is asking me to cover him in a big lie he told, and the lie he told was about me. He wrote fake emails? He told my parents we were friends? He still hasn’t explained the apple orchard. If Evan was really desperate for friends, I don’t know if this was the way to go. Did he think, what, I was never going to wake up, and he could go on in his life without getting caught? I must’ve been out for a real long fucking time for something like this to be cooked up. This is crazy. I can tell you that all the times I’ve been high out of my mind, I’ve came up with some pretty wild ideas, but never pretending to be some almost dead kid’s friend with whom we write secret correspondences.

“Sorry to interrupt you two,” it’s the nurse from before, “but Evan honey, we need to do some tests on Connor, so you’ll have to wait in the hall for now with everyone else.”

“Okay mom,” Evan stands as he gets up to leave, basically running out the room. The nurse is his mom. No wonder why she was so happy to see me awake, I’m her kid’s best friend. 

[canaryatlaw]

okay. it’s late, obviously. and I need to go to bed. I just took my pills like 10 minutes ago though so it might be a minute before I actually get tired. but yeah, today. I think I woke up around 11, and then for like two hours waited for my sister to wake up and trying to not get annoyed because I know I’ve slept that late plenty of times, like even on this trip, but I was just kinda tense. it didn’t help that on twitter I was repeatedly seeing people doing tribute tweets to their friends or making lists of all their friends who did whatever in 2019 and I wasn’t on a single fucking one, even when people that I know they saw less than me made it and I just like.....I got really upset about it because I felt like shit and like I didn’t even have any friends, which of course I know is not true, but it felt really shitty to see people I’ve expended energy trying to befriend just straight up ignore my existence and I just felt really awful about myself. this year has unfortunately gone from meeting a lot of new friends to constantly fearing that none of them actually like me or want me to be their friend, thanks to a couple of things that have happened. and I just feel like this massively messed up person who must’ve fucked up so badly to have all these people turning against me but like, I didn’t even fucking do anything, and if people had actually been honest about stuff this could’ve all been avoided but they weren’t and now I’m the one who’s hurting because of that and it really fucking sucks when you really feel like nobody cares about you. sigh. I feel fraudulent sometimes posting about how happy I am with my life (which I am! really!) while knowing my emotional stability is not where it should be definitely could be causing an issue. and like, looking back to the beginning of this decade all I can think is 10 fucking years and so much happened and yet emotionally I’m back in the same fucking place? how did that happen? I still obviously care way too much about what people think of me when I know I shouldn’t, and placing way too much of my happiness and value into friends who clearly don’t reciprocate any of those feelings and clearly don’t care about my emotions or how any of this actually affects me. and I fucking hate that because I truly have grown so much as a person but I feel like that same fucked up kid who cared way too much about what her friends thought of her and definitely put a lot more energy and care into her friendships than she got back. and I feel so emotionally unstable and I don’t know how to deal with this because like! I’m not depressed! my overall mental health has been fine and there aren’t really any issues there, this just feels like an entirely separate area and I don’t know what to do with it. It really sucks that just when my professional life was finally getting its shit together my personal life had to fall to pieces. and I know on some level that like all this shit really means that I should be in therapy actually working through all of this, and this is so fucking hypocritical, I know, but like....I just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with going through all of that right now. It’s going to be so much work and I really just don’t want to deal with it. and that’s messed up because I’ve told so many fucking people that they should be in therapy and that it will really help them, and now I’m clearly not abiding by that, so that makes me feel shitty too. sigh. I got on way too much of a tangent here and now I’m ranting. I really need to get back on focus and actually talk about my day before I go to sleep because it’s fucking 3:30 am. anyway. eventually my sister woke up and then she had to go get her flu shot for something with her job but like all of the places they were going to didn’t have it so she didn’t even get it done, then her and her boyfriend returned and we went to the mall. it was alright, not great, and eventually she wanted to split up which I kinda knew was going to happen because we wouldn’t want to go to the same stores, but it still was annoying. I mainly wanted to get jeans and I went to Express and tried some on, but all of their jeans were still so fucking expensive (the ones on clearance were like $50, reduced from $80) and there was a super fucking long line and I just didn’t have the patience to stand through that long ass line to pay too much for a pair of jeans, so I left and concluded I’d get jeans at some other point in the future. I went to Dynamite after that because they always have stuff I like and it’s been a while since I’ve gotten anything from them, and I ended up getting a pair of work pants from them that were on sale and very nice, so I’m happy about that. after that I met back up with my sister and we headed out. back to the house, I had dinner with my parents and then watched some GBBO with them until my brother’s friends arrived. He had asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends tonight and I knew if I didn’t go I was just going to end up alone with my parents and feeling sorry for myself so I said what the hell and said I would. my brother is at this new assignment at work though where he’s working a 3 pm to 11 pm shift, so he still wasn’t getting off for some time yet, so my parents ended up driving me and his two friends to the bar where we chilled for a bit and talked until he arrived some time after 11. he was bringing with him this girl who he has apparently started dating (yeah, I found out on Sunday that both of my brothers are apparently dating girls, which is just fucking great for my self-esteem knowing that I’m officially the only sibling without a significant other) which I suspect is the real reason he asked if I wanted to come so she wouldn’t be the only girl there. and she was nice, honestly at this point any girlfriend is probably going to be a positive influence on his life, so unless she was really terrible I’m not going to object. I mean, honestly, his ex-girlfriend was like, the best thing that ever happened to him, but he fucked that one up and hopefully this time he’ll be a lot smarter and more mentally stable about it. I really hope he is honestly. I also really miss his ex-girlfriend since we’d gotten quite close in the time they were dating, and of course she ultimately ended up coming to me for help when things went south, so there was a lot of emotional investment there. sigh. anyway. I was having a pretty good time chatting with his friends before he got there, they were both guys he went to highschool with so I had at least in theory known them for like 12-15 years now, but never had more than like, a passing conversation with them really. one of them I’d talked to a bit over the years, I always thought he was cute but never had like a full blown crush on him or anything, but it was kinda nice getting to talk more to both of them tonight. and of course there was alcohol, and I considered maybe trying some since it’s been like 4 years since I’ve tried consuming any but then I got a whiff of the tequila shots they were doing and I swear the smell alone started giving me like minor chest pains, so that was a no. I was kinda dumb though at midnight because they were passing out little cups of champagne as the ball was dropping and I had a single sip of champagne, which again was dumb being that I just concluded I shouldn’t be drinking any alcohol, but I mean it was midnight and everyone in the bar was doing it....sigh. It kinda burned in the back of my throat for a while which was unpleasant but never moved on to the full on chest pain that’s fucking unbearable, so I’ll count that as a semi-success, definitely not a full success because it really did not leave me wanting to consume any more alcohol, but at least I wasn’t in pain over it. we ended up playing darts for a few rounds, which I’m not particularly good at but it doesn’t really matter. a little after 2 we started trying to return to my house where everyone was spending the night, but that turned into a whole debacle because this is the fucking suburbs and it’s 2 am on new years, so getting an uber was a bit difficult. my one brother’s friend had apparently worked as a lyft driver in the past so he was a bit biased towards that app and then the first driver somehow got messed up and picked up another person but it still charged his phone and he was like, so affronted by this and just not letting it go at all and it was honestly pretty funny, it was obvious the alcohol in his system was contributing to it on some level but it was still amusing. since there were 5 of us they were originally trying to get an XL which proved even more difficult, and we ended up taking two separate normal sized ubers to get home, which still took fucking forever and we didn’t end up getting home till like, almost 3 am, which was annoying. but oh well. once we got home I showered and then had to do all my pills for the week because of course I had to run out tonight, then opened my laptop and started typing this, and now I’m here like 40 minutes later because it’s just a few minutes before 4 am now because I clearly was in the mood to write a fucking novel for some reason. sigh. last 2019 post, even though it’s now 2020 the day was in 2019 so it gets the last December 2019 hashtag. alright, I really need to go to sleep now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Goodnight dears. Hope you had a very happy new year.

[crqstalite]

pt. 16, ancestry. ( aric && hakio)

finally got around to writing another one. i had writing block for a hot second over the last week, so that’s why this didn’t come out as soon as i would’ve liked. sorry for the continuous filler, but i did need some time to flesh out hakio’s family before continuing on (they will have a bigger part in this story, especially tyqin, who contacted thek n ba’shira)

oh, and yes. tyqin is a drag queen.

written: 9.14.19. word count: 4,235.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════ character song: liar, camila cabello

character file: hakiojkl hyperion, colonel of the republic military

-

thankfully, elara arrives only a bit before dinner, ending the embarrassing confrontation with voonie and her mother. her mother threatens to give aric a talking to before they leave, but welcomes elara with a sunny disposition. once the three of them get settled, hakio introduces them to the members of her family. voonie doesn't bother with elara, questioning aric and whatnot, but baishya and apani have the most questions for both members. darjev doesn't leave his room until dinner is called, and josie is happy to listen in for the time being.

to say the least, dinner's rather quiet between the members of havoc. the younger members of the hyperion family ask all sorts of questions, those they can't answer legally (e.g, who do they work for), those they can't answer morally (e.g, how many people have you killed), and just...rather odd questions to say the least (e.g is aric afraid of cucumbers). no one acknowledges elara's accent or heritage (a win in her book), and more or less the twins are curious about the firepower the assault cannons have.

her mother shuts down that discussion quick when their eyes light up ecstatically as hakio delves into her favorite topics, weapons. it's not that she doesn't understand why, which is why she switches the topic to less dangerous tactics, which elara leads. hakio figures it's still a shock for her mother, and still a sore spot for the rest of the family. the brewing war has taken the form of their injured daughter and sister, and having three soldiers eat dinner with them in lounges with ruler-straight backs and only a chuckle here and there, is probably bringing the mood down.

her mother won't look at her directly anymore either. as much as she hugged her and and laughed with her when she first arrived, her eyes still speak volumes. disappointment is the loudest, longing is another. anger hides behind her eyes, the quiet fire blazing as she takes everyone's plates from them, disappearing into the kitchen.

it's been too long since she's been home. everyone's changed, and she feels as if the kids she grew up with no longer know her, and she no longer knows them. they easily banter back and forth with each other, telling jokes as if the reason they're here is no big deal. like nothing's happened, like nothing's changed. like their sister isn't on leave, like she's been here this whole time.

it's disheartening to say the least. how close she and her mother used to be, through her training at the academy, through school. through her father's death, through the accident. they used to be two peas in a pod.

what happened?

"i'm here!" a loud and cheerful voice says, the front door shutting loudly as baishya and apani jump up from their seats excitedly and josie rolls his eyes, darjev making sure their mother really was gone and putting his feet up on the table. "did you all miss me?" she barely overhears.

"yes!" the girls and josie say in excitement.

"who's arrived, major?" elara asks quizzically, out of earshot of the rest of her family, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"i'm not sure." hakio responds, head in her hands, a headache coming on. holding her head up, she rubs her temples. "probably one of our family friends."

"nope, it's ty." darjev says, overhearing their conversation as he looks up from one of his hologames. "he's coming with us to the hospital, and against mom's better judgement, she invited him to come over for dinner. he would show up late, that's tyqin hyperion for you." darjev scoffs as josie frowns.

"tyqin doesn't mean to be late, he's just been busy lately." josie says, frowning at darjev's comment. hakio holds back a sigh, josie's protected tyqin since they were children, deflecting the blame or taking it all himself. it's admirable, but rather annoying. "maybe he has something for you, hakio!" he jumps up, and dashes out of the living room, a blur of blue. darjev lazily looks over to her.

"i'm gonna murder that man at some point." he says nonchalantly, as if he's forgotten elara and aric were sitting at the table and he was just admitting what he'd done the day prior. "push him off a balcony if i could."

"that's our brother you're talking about, darjev." hakio narrows her eyes, eyebrows furrowing. "don't go around threatening your family."

"family? tyqin hasn't been my brother for a long time, hakio." he responds dryly, grimacing as he pulls another bread roll from the basket on the table and stuffs it in his mouth. "even you know that."

hakio knows that good and well, but it still doesn't make it any better. her eldest and youngest brothers had never gotten along well, their personalities clashing hard even as children. now that they're adults, she's afraid of the fallout from years of disagreements and arguments. tykurt tended to be the middle man and break them up, but he apparently hadn't been back to the apartment in years. apani, baishya, darjev and josie were the only hyperion children that still lived in the house with her aging mother.

something about that makes her uneasy for the future. "why do you care anyways? you ran off to the military and didn't even contact us after the accident. why'd you even come back tonight?" he questions, raising an eyebrow.

"that's because i care about quinne." she answers firmly, her cheeks heating with the realization that it's true. she's been disconnected from her family for so long. it has been a long time without seeing them, and maybe she should've tried harder to come back sooner. then, it's also not her fault she's out protecting the greater galaxy and the coreworlds; as well as coruscant from galactic threats. "i'm here for her."

"good to know that you've forgotten about the rest of us." he fires back. she opens her mouth to speak again when he cuts her off, "what about the twins? mom hates that baishya wants to go into the military, apani wants to be a field medic like the imperial you brought. marli's in training right now, won't even be back until graduation. and guess what? it's all because of you. you're gonna be the reason mom lives alone, waiting until one of us gets promoted or dies to see us again."

aric and elara both stand from their seats, the aforementioned cathar muttering something about getting some air and heading towards the balcony. now alone, hakio isn't afraid to bring out some of her worse not-for-those-outside-the-family arguments. as selfish as it sounds, she's glad they're gone so that her xo and medic don't think of her any different. "and so what? obviously you and tyqin are going to be here forever, slaving away to some corporation until you pass out from heat exhaustion or smoke inhalation. if they want to follow their dreams, why do you want to stop them?" she asks, trying not to raise her voice in case those out in the foyer can hear her.

"mom already lost dad. she nearly lost quinne. she lost you. she's still holding onto what she has left. what's it gonna take for you to care about the rest of your family again?" darjev asks, crossing his arms. "one day, no one's gonna be looking out for you because they know nothing about you, nothing about where you've been, who you're friends with, what you're doing." he pauses again, watching as she changes her own stance to pick up her glass. "you haven't been my sister for a long time. don't start acting like you are again."

and with that, tyqin and his procession of hyperions enters in the dining room as her mother comes back with a towel over her left shoulder. darjev makes a beeline for the stairs, heading up to his room. all she can hear is static in her ears as she tries to stabilize herself with this realization. her blood is boiling, how can he just say that and get up and pretend nothing's changed? that what he's said doesn't hurt more than a bullet to the chest?

hakio didn't know her sisters were planning to go into the military, she hadn't even noticed her quiet sister was gone at the academy. he was right, she knew nothing about her siblings. the childish wonders they'd once all indulged in, didn't matter anymore. the dolls were traded in for dresses, the books were traded in for medical magazines, the hairties for guns.

she hadn't been the only reason for this.

"oh. my. stars." tyqin accentuates every word, shrieking in excitement as he dashes over to her, hugging her as she tries to remain upright. "my sister, a hero of the republic is finally back home!"

"good to see you too, ty." she says, trying to shake off the previous conversation and give her older brother a bear hug. he has all sorts of bags in his hands, his face painted as if he's just been at a party. and as well as he acts, he stinks of alcohol. he must've been out before he'd arrived, which while not odd, was weird he'd go partying before visiting his injured sister in a hospital.

then again, this was also tyqin hyperion. well known queen and partier on the lower levels of coruscant. "ooo, girl. i knew i snatched weaves, but where did yours go?"

"i shaved it, dumbass." she says, trying to lighten her mood as she lifts tyqin's hands from her bare head. the curly-haired male rolls his eyes as he pulls things out the bags he's carrying, laying them out on the dining room table as the younger kids' eyes widen in excitement.

"brought some things for ya'll though. sorry hakio, had i known you were coming i would've bought you something too." he says, though she knows he's not. as much as he didn't know, he probably also isn't very sorry for leaving his sister without a gift. the younger ones were always his favorites (and voonie. voonie made it clear that whenever gifts were handed out, she got something expensive too), and he was always rather stingy (even though yuvi can -and often does- pay for everything without complaint) with his purchases for other people. evident, in the new nails he has done and the way his clothes shimmer in the low light of the dining room.

"it's not that big a deal." she finally says, choosing the least argumentative response as her siblings go through their gifts. hakio doesn't make much of a note of any of them (partially because she doesn't care, partially because her mind isn't on what lifeday gifts come early they've received), and instead decides to head back up to her, aric and elara's room until it was time to leave.

"wait for a second sweetie. where are you headed?" tyqin asks, his nails just ghosting her arm as she begins up the steps, josie, apani and baishya still gushing over the expensive gifts and her mother wiping off the table. "you aren't going to be a no-show like darjev are you?"

"of course not. but if we're heading out soon i need to get dressed." she says, and hurries up the stairs so that tyqin can't say anything else. he's such an airhead sometimes, she's not concerned whether he'll remember this and question her about her behavior later.

finally upstairs, she punches in the code and enters her bedroom, where elara is sitting on her cot and reading off a datapad and aric is pacing back and forth in front of her window. both stand when she arrives, before she gives the universal sign to relax. no one speaks for a moment before elara sits back down on her cot, shutting off her datapad. "are things...alright, colonel?"

"things are fine, elara." she says softly, giving her medic a smile. "whatever happens here, stays here. we hyperions just...show love differently."

understatement of the millenia, she grumbles to herself.

"permission to speak freely?" aric growls. hakio sighs, before nodding. she wonders what has aric so riled up. "whatever business is going on between you and your family, how do you just let your brother treat you like that?"

"how much did you hear?" hakio asks, cocking an eyebrow. she's rather suspcious now, aric tended to be much more in her life than she would've liked already, which she figured was typical of someone who was trying to court you, but found that odd he would eavesdrop. it seemed rather out of character for him.

"the captain and i accidentally overheard you on the way up. our deepest apologies, sir." elara apologizes, not meeting her eyes.

"it's difficult to explain. my family's been fractured for a long time, my return home has just solidified it for some." she responds, fishing out her bag from under her bed (careful not to touch the sheets atop the mattress) and pulling out garments of clothing. "i'm going to the hospital with my family in a bit. will you two be alright alone?"

"of course, sir." elara answers, aric still grumbling somewhere behind her. the sun is just setting over the horizon, and a glance at a chrono on her wall says that it's barely early evening. chances are, they wouldn't stay long either, so maybe havoc wouldn't spend the night. "whatever you need, we're here for you."

"thank you, elara." she says, putting her civillian clothes over one arm and leaving the bedroom to change in the bathroom. as soon as she steps outside, voonie passes by and she grins mischeveously as she pockets a tube of makeup.

"that cathar is keeping you rather busy." her sister purrs as she follows her into the bathroom, the door not closing fast enough to keep the dark skinned girl out. "how many men are on the team anyways? military men are always so hot."

"none that would be after you." she deadpans. yuun? definitely not, she wasn't even sure whether gand had mates outside of their own species. tanno? hakio shivers at the thought, it could either go absolutely horridly, or worse. ryean? the poor zabrak would have a heart attack over all the skin the woman showed. if her eyes were on aric... "could i get dressed by myself, please?"

"there's something going on between ya'll, isn't there?" voonie questions again, as hakio crosses her arms. voonie moves to primp her hair a bit, slathering something over lips. the two women in the mirror don't look all that different, but the way they hold themselves is. it's like being in high school again, hakio with the baby puffs and voonie's hair flattened and relaxed. one was clearly popular, dressing nicely though she had to work for it, and the other not caring with others thought about how she dressed. "by the stars finally. thought it'd take you forever to get married. even if he is non-human." she says, an e-cigarette in hand as she blows out a stream of smoke that makes hakio cough.

"go outside with that thing. and i don't care anyways. whether i get married or not isn't any of your business. now get out and let me get dressed." she says, nearly pushing her sister out the door with more force than is probably necessary.

"hmph." is all she can say, brushing her hair away from her shoulder and turning away from the bathroom. rolling her eyes, she pulls off her shirt before sticking the next one. however, she catches a glimpse of all the scars on her chest, and the muscles that came along with them.

she can't imagine what life would be like if she never left the apartment. she wouldn't look like this, that's for sure. maybe she'd be closer to her siblings and her mother. but she wouldn't have had the same experiences, nor would she know what she knows now. she wouldn't know aric, elara, forex, tanno, yuun, ryean or synntai.

but was it worth it? the accident with the junkers, being drafted into havoc squad? the betrayal?

for once in her life, hakio isn't sure.

-

"my dear, baby sister." quinne says hoarsely, coughing a bit as hakio comes to sit by her bedside. quinne shuffles to sit up, a grim smile on her face as she visibly winces. "finally, you've come to see me."

"i'm sorry, quinne. i've been so busy with havoc-" she says, before her eldest sister cuts her off with a finger to her lips.

"so talkative. nothing's changed. i know you're busy, hakio. and that's alright. you're saving the galaxy one battle at a time, and i admire that so much." she says, her dark brown eyes glittering in the white light of the hospital's room. "i wish i'd gone into the military all those years ago. unmarried, without kids."

"but you still love them, right?" hakio asks, a little nervous with the wistful tone her sister's voice was becoming. she has three kids and a husband, so this is rather odd. "you're representing the republic as a senator anyways. you do more than i do."

"that's kind of you, hakio. as much as i'd like to take that compliment, it's not true. i'm more a figurehead than anything else." her face scrunches up in pain as she stops talking for a moment before shaking it off, "sorry, the painkillers haven't been working for a while."

"don't be sorry. this wasn't your fault." and that's enough to get her blood boiling again. this was never quinne's fault, and she shouldn't have to say sorry for being in pain while her family visits. "i'm bringing whoever did this to you to justice."

"oh, hakio please. don't do anything stupid." she takes her hands in hers, trying to calm her down. "what happened, happened. it's like when darjev and tyqin used to fight. whatever the issue was didn't matter the day after, and on a grander scale, that's all this is. whoever shot me will forget about it later."

"that's...not how war works, sis." she says. the bandage wrapped around her chest is proof enough. the imperials weren't just going to give up because one person told them to stop. in fact, that'd make it worse. "the empire will just keep fighting, and i have to be there to stop them."

"then do just that. fight the battles, win the war. whatever you have to do. then you can come back and settle down with the rest of us." quinne says, smiling, "little hakios running around here and there. what a thought."

"sure." hakio says. as much of a wish that is for voonie, her mother and quinne, to say the least hakio isn't interested in settling down. the empire isn't going to roll over when she says 'i do' to someone. the republic will never be safe, and she can't exactly chase after agents if she can't see her own feet. "maybe." she answers uneasily.

"or not." quinne makes a movement to shrug, but winces instead. "my soldier baby sister probably doesn't want to step away from the frontlines, huh?"

hakio finally looks up at her face, really looks at her. quinne hasn't been a young adult for a long time, but for some reason she looks much older than she should. the way she smiles, the way her skin crinkles around her eyes. she's not sixteen anymore, and she's really someone else now. she's the senator of a whole planet now, she's the mother of three and a loving wife. and a doting sister as she rubs her head. "just don't forget how fragile life is. i attended one funeral for a hyperion killed in action. i'm not attending one for you too."

"long as you don't die first." hakio says, and quinne smiles. standing from her chair, she stretches her arms over her head, yawning. it's been a bit, and she was the last one to come in. it must be dark by now. she might as well take elara and aric out for a bit, it'd be late and there wouldn't be as many attendants at the spaceport. as much as she should spend time with her family, everyone is looking sleepy. being in space and on different planets so often makes her a little off the r.s.t time zones, hence why she isn't exhausted right now. "guess i'll be going, quinne."

"alright. i won't let my colonel of a sister get too caught up with little old me." she says, shuffling back into a position to lay down. "don't be a stranger."

"'course." hakio says, waving as the door closes behind her. letting out a sigh, she heads down the hall back to the waiting room. her family heads outside, chattering between each other as darjev ignores the others, and voonie continues quizzing her about her state of affairs with the men on her ship. when they return to the apartment, hakio is exhausted by answering question after question. her room is surprisingly quiet when she returns, and under closer inspection, elara has fallen asleep on her cot with her datapad in hand. slowly taking it from her so she doesn't wake her friend, she shuts it off and puts it on her desk, and puts the spare blanket on over her. at least that way she won't freeze through the night.

"hakio?" aric asks, sitting up on her bed. "didn't know when you'd be back, and elara passed out a while ago."

"she's been working since before i left. maybe we should all go out tomorrow, relax a bit." hakio suggests, turning on the shade to her window so that the skyline of coruscant can't see inside her room. "what've you been up to? not snooping around my childhood bedroom, i hope." she smirks as aric chuckles.

"i'd never. your mom actually talked both our ears off and gave us the leftovers from dinner. she's sweet." he responds, "she told us about your family, your dad. she let it slip she doesn't want you in the military anymore."

"i'm not surprised." her voice quiets as she sits next to her second in command, her head hanging. "as much as she wants it, this is who i am. i'm not sure i'm ready to give it up, whether my family loves me more or less because of it. i guess i lost sight of making them proud when i got drafted into havoc."

"don't apologize for wanting to make a difference. you're protecting the republic. sure i understand why they're upset, but that's on them. you can either bend to their will doing something you'd never be happy slaving away at, or you can do something that you would do for the rest of your life with no questions." aric responds. "you can't do anything about how others feel. whether you want to settle down or not, that isn't their decision to make."

"i..guess you're right." hakio responds. possibly he'd also been through this decision in his past. maybe his parents had also been hard on him. cathars did tend to mate for life, as she'd learned. maybe his family had been looking for him to marry better than they did. "if you weren't a soldier, what would you be doing, aric?"

"i don't know. this has always been me." he pauses as if he's thinking. "what about you?"

"you probably already know from the conversation at the dinner table. i was supposed to take over my dad's repair shop. tyqin and voonie used to apprentice there, and since i was the least girlish of the family, he figured i would've liked it. then he died while i was away, and the shop went through foreclosure. by then, i knew i wasn't coming back to coruscant, and my family knew i was the only one that didn't visit anymore. they didn't bother asking me to come back anymore." she frowns. it's all true, maybe if she'd stayed things wouldn't be the way they were now. maybe her dad would still be alive. maybe things would be the way they used to be.

aric seems to read her mind and uneasy thoughts as he puts his hand over hers. "it all depends on what you want to do, hakio. are you happy with havoc?"

"more than anything. i like protecting those who can't protect themselves." she answers firmly, staring back into his emerald green eyes.

"then that's all that matters." he says, as she smiles. for real this time.

"thank you, aric." she says, tipping his head just a bit as he looks confused before she kisses him. standing before he can do anything else, she looks over her shoulder slyly as she grabs her lounges from earlier. "i'll be back, i'm going to get a shower."

"y-yeah." he responds, "i'll be here."

"i hope so." she giggles, stepping over elara's sleeping form, the door closing behind her.

as much as she hates the idea of retiring, maybe being...lifemates with aric(that's what he called it, right?) wouldn't be so bad. well, if he likes her like that. her real emotions have only just emerged, it'd be a shame if he didn't feel the same.

but...hakiojkl jorgan does have a nice ring to it.

by the stars, now she was thinking like voonie, she though angrily as she turned the scalding water on. finding quinne's attacker first, aric later.

[prettywordsyouleft]

The Sex Contract - Chapter 4

Genre: friends to lovers au / friends with benefits / mature content / romance / angst

Characters: Shim Changmin x Kaia Ashton (OC)

A/N: Due to the overwhelming request I have followed your encouragement to bring back one of my older stories. This was back in a time where OCs were everything and writing one chapter in each main’s point of view was the trend. I hope that even though I have edited this drastically, that you can appreciate this story comes from my older style of writing. I definitely still read this often and find it enjoyable so I hope you will too.

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 - FINAL

Chapter 4 – Kaia’s POV.

 Kaia watched Changmin’s eyes widen slightly at her interest, her teasing making him feel uncomfortable. She hadn’t really expected such a reaction from the tall man but he had given it and now she was intrigued. Kaia wasn’t exactly experienced in having a male as a best friend and wondered if you could ever be truly relaxed on all topics like she was with her closest female friends.

“I’m not answering anything!”

“If I answer your questions, will you answer mine?” she proposed and Changmin seemed to ponder her request. He picked up his bottle and took a swig, which settled him.

“How do you know I have anything to ask you?”

“Do you go and ask all your noonas about sex then?” Kaia smirked as he blushed and shook his hands in answer. “I’m not shy of the topic, but if you are-”

“No I’m not,” he quickly said and smirked back. “You’re not a noona anyway. I’m probably the sunbae in this situation too.”

“Don’t rediscover your ego now, Changmin.”

“Alright then, why do you pay so much attention to dramas, they don’t exactly fulfil that need. Since I’ve known you, you’ve never mentioned about having a boyfriend.” He folded his arms over his chest, his chocolate eyes warming up at the lack of boundaries. It seemed like Changmin was prepared to have the conversation now.

“I guess it’s harder for me to find someone here in Korea than back home. Not a lot of Koreans go for foreign girls.”

Changmin shook his head. “There are a bunch of guys who would date you. In fact, if you knew what some of the boys in Super Junior think of you, that wouldn’t be an excuse.”

“That’s my working environment Min!” She slapped his arm and raised her index finger to wag it back and forth. “I have professionalism. Besides they’re all idols.”

“And men with desires that need to be met.”

“What, like some sexual relationship only?” she asked and Changmin shrugged. “I don’t think I could have sex without a proper relationship first. Though that’s never really worked out much for me. I kind of miss it.”

Changmin rubbed his hands together. “You’ve never really spoken about your past experiences. You have done the deed, right?”

“Of course!” she cried in horror and he laughed heartily. “I just suck with men in general. They tend to walk all over me. I’m never really good at reading the signals. It’s almost like they see me as an accessory, and shy out before I can see if they’re a true prince or not.”

“See there’s your problem right there,” Changmin stated, nodding lightly. “Going around thinking that Princes still exist. This isn’t a monarchical country Kai. If you want to marry a Prince, you’ll have to look at Harry back home.”

Kaia scrunched her nose up in disgust as the Korean laughed some more. Though the topic had got her thinking, just how easier it would be to meet sexual needs without emotion getting in the way? Kaia always threw herself into relationships wholeheartedly; wanting her happily ever after like all the fairytales she had grown up believing in. It was hard to shake the notion off that there weren’t any romantic guys left around these days.

“It seems everyone’s standards are incredibly high, I have to admit,” Changmin said a moment later, breaking his friend out of her reverie. “I mean, you have a point, what happened to saying I like you and the person like you back the same way? It seems like games have to be played, and everything can be taken in more than one way.”

Kaia stared at him. “When did you last date someone?”

“Two years ago.”

“Woah, so long ago.” She blinked a couple of times in confusion. “I thought you’d have a bunch of girls lining up for a slice of Godly pie.”

“Oh don’t you go starting it too,” he cried as she giggled at his obvious disgust. “It’s harder than you think. Much like your belief of guys not liking you for what you are, I feel the same. It’s hard to find an honest woman these days. Women like security. I can’t offer that. Women like stability too and I’m always unaware of where life is taking me. I can’t offer anything but what little of a personal life I have. Especially with work, it’s harder to be able to manage a relationship. So I just don’t bother trying.”

Kaia pulled her knees up under her chin and stared at her friend. “Do you ever miss holding someone? Or other physical elements?”

“All the time,” he truthfully responded and sighed, throwing his head onto the back of the sofa. “It’s funny, but I actually enjoyed working on Paradise Ranch. It’s shameful but every action I had to do, even though it was awkward, it was comforting at the same time. It made me reflect on how to fit a girlfriend into my life. But I just can’t find a way, and I don’t have the emotional effort to offer anyway.”

“It seems like we’re on the same level but for different reasons,” she surmised and he nodded his head sadly. “My best friend back home told me that I’m a painter.”

“You’re a what?” Changmin lifted his head at Kaia’s statement, sending her a curious expression.

She nodded. “I meet a guy and paint an entire picture of what I want from the relationship. Then after the first couple of weeks of dating comes the obvious signs that I painted it all wrong. Then I feel the need to escape before I get hurt.”

“That kind of backs up your way of living through fantasy then,” Changmin agreed. “Don’t you want to try and experience something though?”

“I try,” she admitted, thinking back on past experiences. “I attempted to change the image in my head but then they usually try to rush me into bed or I do have sex with them and then they never contact again. I guess I’m just one of those girls guys never want to understand.”

“No one probably wants to try and stand up to your Prince complex,” he said with a laugh and she looked away from Changmin, knowing he was right. A pair of arms wrapped around her and Kaia glanced up at the brunette. “Looks like we’re as bad as one another wanting love but having no ability to maintain it.”

“This is nice though,” Kaia said softly, savouring the feeling of his arms around her. They had hugged before but with the sensitivity in the air, she was able to close her eyes and remember all the things she loved about men. Without thinking it through, Kaia grabbed his hand, feeling how soft his warm skin was.

“Sometimes it would be nice to just forgo relationships and have someone around who you could turn to that wasn’t in the form of a video,” Changmin replied and Kaia frowned, blinking rapidly and snapping her hand away from his.

“Did you just bring up porn?!”

Changmin coughed awkwardly. “How else do I get any attention?!”

“Oh my god, Changmin!”

“You brought it up earlier!”

Kaia nodded. “I didn’t happen to be in your arms at the time though!”

“I was just being honest. I’m sure you have to deal with your own needs too when the mood strikes!”

She gasped, feeling her cheeks flood with colour. “I never expected us to ever speak like this.”

“Isn’t it a good thing though? That we feel this comfortable around each other? I could never take myself off to have one night stands all the time; I know it’d reach the media in a flash if I did. I wouldn’t be able to pay for sex either so what else does a man have left as an option eh?”

“I guess you have a true point.”

“It would be just nice; it’s all I’m saying. But I don’t know really anyone who I could trust to be myself completely around whilst meeting my needs.”

“Well, you have me.” Kaia covered her mouth as soon as she said it and watched as Changmin regarded her for a moment. she waited for him to reject the idea completely.

“I’ve never seen you as anything more than a friend.”

“Me neither, personally I don’t think you’re someone I could ever date,” she replied and he pulled a face. “No, I’m serious. Your fans are kind of deluded by what they see. The real Changmin is just like any other gamer. If you didn’t have a schedule to keep to, you’d sit in your room playing games all day and night, only coming out for food or bathroom breaks.”

“I take high offence to that!” She gave him a hard look. “Alright it’s probably true, but I have lots to like about me. And for one I don’t try to find a Princess in another, and just accept the girl for who she is.”

“Cheap shot,” Kaia said and Changmin chuckled.

“You’re right though, there’s a term for it, friends with benefits, right?” he asked and she nodded. “I wonder how well it works out?”

“I guess it depends on the couple. It could either go one of two ways. They end up falling in love, like in all the movies, or end up bored of the sex and move on to find partners.”

“Well, there’s no risk of that happening if we tried,” Changmin announced. “I don’t think I could see you as anything more than a best friend.”

“Are you even attracted to me?” Kaia wondered and he smiled. “What?”

“Well, you’re not ugly.”

“Thanks, I think,” she replied and Changmin laughed again, wrapping an arm around her.

“I know from earlier that you think the same about me, Kai.” He smiled smugly. “But you know what; you missed out on watching the rest of Heartstrings.”

“Like I was ever going to be able to watch it in peace with you around,” she bitterly stated, although it was hardly a thought that crossed her mind truthfully.

The night had turned down an unexpected path. Kaia wondered if it was all a dream or something they’d both forget after a good night’s rest.

_________________

Part 5

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[deadmomjokes]

Normal Anon Again 1: Your response was great, don't worry about a thing there. I just really feel stuck because Im still with my emotionally abusive family, and so I had to sneak to even see a doctor. I honestly felt like the doctor barely ever heard me at all, so even though she did prescribe an SSRI (not that she said what brand), I'm kind of scared to continue treatment with her. Because I made the notebook with a lot of care, she said I had OCD and did bring it up again later when I

had refuted it and tried to explain the notebook was just something I wanted to be well done for her. She didn't ever look at it either, so she based it off me buying little tabs and labeling them for ease of access and writing my name on the front I guess? I don't have a lot of money, as I don't have a job, and getting a job is the main reason I want to try medication... I basically have to move out by 2020 from my family, both by their desires and mine, so I'm on acrazy deadline to try to get my life together and I feel like I have no time to find someone new if I'm going to be looking to move away when all the apartments are renting. So it feels like if I want to try medication this is my one chance, but I don't feel like I can trust the doctor handling them. I don't know if I should just try to find a way to make my life work out for a couple months or give the medication a shot even though I don't trust the provider...I've got to worry about getting a job this month or being homeless too, which is why it feels so one or the other for my current situation. Thank you so much for all your feedback, sorry if this was a little messy being explained, I'm a bit frazzled yet, haha.

Oh man, I’m SO very sorry for everything you’re going through! You’re dealing with a ton, and this incident with Dr Garbage certainly didn’t help.

One thing that may be a possibility is going to a normal doctor, like a family medicine doc or general practitioner, and talking to them about your anxiety/depression problems. They can also prescribe psych medication, and it might be easier to pass off around your family and/or to find once you move, since a lot of offices partner or have networks that you can just transfer through. Anyone from a Nurse Practitioner to a PhD in general medicine can prescribe meds like an SSRI or even low-level mood stabilizers. (For my recently upped dosage, I went to a PA-C and they consulted with the folks at my obgyn, so I never even saw a psychiatrist. Tho I’m trying to get in with one anyway, but that’s way beside the point.)

I definitely understand you being unable to trust the current provider; she clearly didn’t hear you or take everything (anything?) into account. Anyone who comes to you from an emotionally abusive situation should warrant a ton of follow-up questions and in-depth probing. Even beyond that, just in general, taking stock of all the symptoms and reviewing any identified triggers is going to go a long way toward real diagnosis. Your notebook should have made her job a breeze, instead of her having to pick through your anecdotes of what happens when, she could just look at your notes! You were doing everything right; a therapist’s dream, honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still not that good at keeping tabs on my own symptoms and patterns. I’m enraged on your behalf, because when someone comes to you for help you should reach back out to them, not be prescriptivist even if you’re dealing with prescriptions.

If medication is something you’ve been considering for a while, and feel like it might be a good fit for you, it may be worth trying the current prescription even though the current doctor is garbage, since SSRIs are usually the first try medications anyway. But that always comes with risks, because sometimes the first try doesn’t really work out for you or your specific situation. But SSRIs as a category are pretty safe, and are used for anxiety disorders (including panic disorder and generalized anxiety), ptsd, depression, and ocd as well. So chances are even if you found a psych who did their job well (aka not labeling you ocd for being prepared), they were going to land on an SSRI as a first try, too. That definitely doesn’t make it an easy decision, tho. That nagging fear may always be with you if you try it anyway despite not really trusting her diagnosis, and that could add a layer of complexity to deciding whether the medicine is right for you. Especially if you end up needing to switch medication or dosage, having a doctor you trust from the outset is going to be important.

I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor do I want to, or even think I should if I could, because personal situations are just that--personal. I would only caution that if you’re already having difficulty getting or doing a job without medical assistance (ie medication), that trying it under serious stress for a few months may do more harm than good as far as worsening your difficulties, or causing new ones. However, sometimes we aren’t in the position to make the “best” decision for our health because living takes precedence; I’ve taken plenty of jobs that wrecked my mind and body and I kept them anyway because I absolutely had to. So I’m not going to get on a high horse because I know exactly how hard it is, and the difficult decisions you have to make in order to survive. I’m just so very sorry you are in that position to make such a decision.

If you do decide to try the medication anyway, some tips on kind of “going it alone” since you won’t be able to/won’t want to go back to the original doctor:

Start at a lower dose than the full final dosage. If she didn’t prescribe a “titration” schedule, starting at half dose for a week is a good place to begin.

Understand that things might get worse before they get better. You might have horrible mood swings, really bad depressive days, or bad anxiety spells before you start seeing the true effects. This isn’t indicative of whether the medicine is going to work eventually, but if it becomes too much for you to deal with, you should stop anyway.

Side effects may come and go. Just worth noting.

If possible, have someone close to you who knows that you’re starting this medicine. Obviously not a family member given your situation, but if you have a friend or anyone you do trust in your immediate vicinity, or even a friend you communicate with long-distance, make sure someone knows. That way you have someone to report in to and who can check up on you as you adjust.

Start by taking them with food, even if it doesn’t have a nausea warning. I’d suggest evening meal or soon thereafter, because SSRIs often cause drowsiness at first (great for helping with insomnia tho!).

You’re probably going to have a full month or two before it reaches its peak effect, since this is your first time trying them. You might see some relief right away, but full efficacy takes time as it builds up in your system. If you can tolerate the side effects (or don’t have any), and you’re able to deal with the mood swings or psychiatric effects, stick with it at least 6 weeks.

Listen to that “don’t drive or operate machinery” warning. First-time-medication drowsiness is a special breed that sneaks up on you and also makes you feel WEIRD.

You can also see about filling the prescription and then researching the name on the label before you decide whether or not to take it. Or, if you have an online account with the pharmacy, as with CVS, you can see the name of the drug there, or even call the pharmacy she sent it to and ask them what the name of it was (”for insurance purposes” or “because I forgot which one it was”) and then research it on sites like Mayo Clinic and rxlist.com (don’t do webmd). These websites include lists of what it’s approved to treat, so if you’re fairly certain you actually have anxiety/depression, look for that on the list. Just know that all websites are essentially required to remind you that an SSRI (really any antidepressant or mood stabilizer) could worsen any suicidal thoughts or behaviors, though this is mostly a risk for the 24 and under crowd with emphasis on teenagers. And it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Should you decide not to do the medicine right now because of the doctor who prescribed it, I applaud you for your bravery and strength in facing both your uncertain future and your mental/emotional difficulties without the assistance you feel you need. That’s a hard, hard thing to do, and I wish it wasn’t a choice you had to make.

I’ll be sending good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way as you’re dealing with so many transitions and difficulties. I know cyber hugs are kind of a dated internetism, and may not mean much, but I give you all the cyber hugs my cyber arms can muster.

[lokidiabolus]

can you maybe write a sequel of “one hour”, maybe with Thomas and Newt already have a relationship (cause I can totally see this happening after the ending 😏 ahahah) and he has a big test the next day and he actually asks for a different kind of motivation to newt? because I’m such a trash tbh

Anonymoussaid:

can you makea sequel for “one hour”? I really liked it and I just can’t help myself, I justwant more hahaha

I thought of writing more, but then it felt better to end here and get the rest in another chapter ^^’

Ao3 Version

“I must say I’m impressed,” Thomas’ mothercommented while going through all the tests where the marks weren’t worse thanB. Apart from ones Thomas had before Newt started tutoring him it was animmense change. “I sincerely thought he’s a lost case with his head in theclouds, but this is absolutely mindblowing. Good job, Newton.”

Newt managed to smile at her, but he was afraidit looked rather forced, even for his taste. Thomas was standing next to him, beingpositively disinterested, but his hand was groping Newt’s butt in front of his mother for about twominutes now and he couldn’t even tell him to stop, not to mention kick his shinin reprimand. After two months of schooling and two weeks of… of… dating? (Newtwasn’t sure how to call their co-habitationwithout sounding nasty even to his own ears) he gathered enough tests andimproved Thomas’ grades by a wide margin, and this meeting with Thomas’ mother wasbasically a judgement of his and Thomas’ work. But he definitely didn’t need togoddamn grope him right here.

“I believe it’s time to lift the groundingthen,” she looked at Thomas with sterner expression, as if she was warning himshe could do it again anytime. “And since now we see you’re able to do well inschool when you want to, I think it’s time to conclude the tutoring as well.”

“What?” this woke Thomas up and he finallystopped being handsy, so Newt could breathe a little easier again. He took asmall step away from him just for good measure too. “Why?”

“Because you have good grades now,” sheresponded with a raised eyebrow. “Shouldn’t you be happier about it?”

“But there is a big test coming up!” Thomasshot out and Newt blinked in surprise. Big test? From what? When? He neverheard about it!

“Oh,” she glanced at Newt questioningly and hehad a strong urge to deny knowing about it since it would be great revenge forthe inappropriate touching. Now when he thought of Thomas’ reaction, it wasprobably just to keep Newt here anyway without any damn test being real. “Isthat right?”

“Yes,” he answered her and mentally slappedThomas for making him lie. “But he does study nicely by himself now-,”

“It’s a really huge test,” Thomas counteredimmediately, his eyes too serious for Newt’s taste. “I don’t get all of ityet.”

“Okay then,” his mother didn’t fight it andNewt would say she even looked rather pleased about her son’s determination.Little she knew Thomas’ real motivation and Newt sometimes hated himself forgiving in so easily as well.

But then again, mostly he simply enjoyed it andhe would be a hypocrite to deny that.

***

“A big test, huh,” Newt commented the moment heclosed the door of Thomas’ room and the brunet smiled predatorily at him whilewalking backwards to his bed. It was enough to tell Newt there was no bloodytest involved at all.

“Lying is a sin, you know,” he told him with asigh. “Are you wasting your mother’s money just because you want to have fun?”

“Are you complaining about getting money forhaving fun?” Thomas opposed and sat heavily on his bed. He sat far enough forNewt to fit right between his legs and usually such invitation worked, but Newtwas determined to punish him at least a little for the lying. “Cuz I think it’sgreat.”

“I think you’re too full of yourself,” Newtshrugged and stayed on the spot right at the door. “Not to mention groping mein front of her was really low.”

“I needed the mental support!” Thomas whinedand patted the space on the bed right between his open legs. Newt wanted tosmack him with a newspaper.

“Was more of a physical one though,” he uttereddryly. “I’m not going to support you through this. Not to mention I alreadyhave another tutoring on the hold-,”

“Wait, what?” That made Thomas lose the playfulnessand Newt crossed his arms on his chest in defensive position. “Anothertutoring? Who? Where?”

“Does it matter?” Newt tilted his head to theside and judging from Thomas’ darkening expression it did. “Jesus. It’s justtutoring.”

“As was this,” the brunet responded stubbornly.“And look how it ended!”

“With me lying to your mother because you can’tkeep it in your pants,” Newt shot back and Thomas sulkily shut up.

To be completely honest, Newt probablyunderstood Thomas a little. Where he was involved, just leaving the tutoringaside, he didn’t know if the relationship they had would be able to continue.What even bound them together except of Newt coming here to whip Thomas’ ass toobedience? Because Thomas couldn’t go anywhere except of school, so Newt wasthe only source of possible fun? Butit ended and Thomas could go anywhere and do anything, so what did it mean forthem? If there even was any them,since all they did was some making out here and there and neither of themconfessed love or anything. They didn’t even talk about it, they justoccasionally kissed or touched or even took few naps together, but that was thepeak of their co-habitation (quite frankly he was glad Thomas had the commonsense intact because if he wanted to do more while being under his mother’sroof, Newt would definitely doubt his sanity).

“I wasn’t really lying though,” Thomas spoke upafter a minute and Newt pinched the bridge of his nose. “There is a big testcoming up. But in a week and half. Though I think I get most of it anyway.”

“Oh?” Newt finally abandoned his spot at thedoor and walked closer to the bed. Maybe it was a little desperate, but havinga legit reason why to stay made him a tad happier. He hated to lie to anybodyand already having to conceal the fact he kind of dabbled with Thomas made himuncomfortable (but still willing, ironically).

Once he got close enough, Thomas reached outand pulled Newt closer to the edge of the bed, hugging him while resting hishead on Newt’s stomach. Newt automatically raked his hands through Thomas’ hairand it was almost too domestic all of sudden. It was true Thomas was demandingthings like this even without any work done, but Newt didn’t refuse him, sofault lied mostly in him anyway.

“I’m just kinda scared,” he heard Thomasmumbling to his shirt and it made him pet his hair a little gentler. “That ifthe tutoring ends, you won’t be coming here anymore. Or wouldn’t want to see meanymore anywhere else.”

Newt’s breath hitched and his hands stoppedmomentarily before resuming their movement again. Weren’t those his fears? Hisinsecurities? Had Thomas have them as well?

Bloody hell, were they in love?

“Is that… what motivated you to tell her aboutthe test?” he managed to get out and Thomas sighed, still not letting go.

“I panicked, alright,” he said quietly. “Thatshe would say it’s fine now and you’d agree and leave and never answer my textsagain.”

Newt thought about it, but mostly other wayaround. Why would somebody like Thomas even want to spend time with somebodylike Newt when he had his freedom again? There must have been plenty of peoplecatching Thomas’ interest outside of his home confinement. Girls or guys of hislevel, of the same hobbies, of more time to foolaround. Newt didn’t have the time. He had to maintain a part-time job, hehad to keep the stabile income, and that ate most of his free time like crazy. Itwas easy now because his work entailed spending time with Thomas, but after itwould end, what options would they have? Newt’s schedule was school, then work,and when there was no work, school lasted until late and the little of freetime he had was precious, so he could do other things he didn’t manage tofinish on working days.

“I’d never do that,” he replied carefully,because at least this was definitely true. He liked Thomas, despite the initialprejudice and his pushiness. He found him attractive and smart in his own,witty way, and quite adorable at times. Just cutting him off sounded unnecessaryand hurtful and nobody needed that.

“But?” Thomas glanced up at him, resting hischin against Newt’s stomach, and his eyes were piercing. Newt hated lying andThomas was aware.

“But I’m busy most of the time,” he admittedunhappily. “Most of the week there is some sort of part time job. Other timesof the week there are long school days and other stuff I neglect. I just…”

“Just?”

“I don’t want you to expect something that maynever happen.” The words were rolling off his tongue all wrong, all bad. Hedidn’t want to end this, yet he did his damn best to lead it to it. Thomas wasstill holding him, but there was an evident understanding in his eyes and Newtpartly despised it and partly accepted the outcome. It was not his right tohold Thomas on spot with promises he couldn’t keep – he wasn’t even his. Therewas no claim, no commitment and Newt was scared to ask for one.

“You think I’d be angry cuz you don’t haveevery day free?” Thomas asked and the hold eased off, much to Newt’s dismay. Thetouch stayed, Thomas’ hands were still resting on Newt’s waist, but there wasno strength in it.

“I may have one day to offer only,” Newt avoided his eyes. Usually hehad at least two, but one day wasn’tanything farfetched, it could easily happen.

Thomas suddenly stood up and the mood shiftedlike turning a page. There were lips on Newt’s mouth, gently coaxing him to lethim in, and Newt gave in without a fight, opened his mouth for a deep, toescurling kiss and barely registered Thomas lifted him until the world tumbledand he was lying on his back on the bed, feeling Thomas’ body against his ownwith all the muscles and warmth and languid touches, and it was too nice, toosweet to let go.

“I don’t mind,” Thomas was whispering to hislips, pampering him with small kisses to the corner of his mouth, his cheeks,his brows. “I don’t care. Any moment I can see you is enough for me, even for ashort while.”

It took Newt several long, pleasure filledseconds before he realized it was tied to an unpleasant conversation that stillhadn’t ended, and it was like a punch in his gut.

“You’re saying that now,” he tried to avoidanother kiss, but Thomas chased his mouth with his and Newt was too weak torefuse. “I don’t understand why m-me.”

“Why you?” He heard Thomas chuckle and forceddown the moan that was trying to get out of his throat when Thomas managed tonestle between his legs, pressing down. “Because you are everything.”

“That’s just attraction talking-,”

“Hell yes, it’s attraction talking,” Thomasstopped him mid-sentence. “I’m so madly in love with you it’s not probably evenhealthy anymore.”

Love?

“You’re in love with me?” Newt breathed out andwhen Thomas kissed him again, this time his hips buckled up and he almostblacked out of the sheer pleasure that hit him. Thomas licked into his mouthwith determined force and Newt never thought kissing could feel this good tomake his brain short-circuit like a piece of old tech.

“I’m madabout you,” the words were searing into Newt’s consciousness, leaving himcompletely defenceless, and he could perfectly pinpoint the moment he stoppedcaring about consequences and let Thomas to overpower him thoroughly.

“Stay until the test at least,” Thomas pleadedhim with a heavy voice and Newt’s hands trembled when he was reaching for him,pulling him back down by his shoulders. “At least until then and after we willthink about it more.”

“Okay,” he squeezed out, his heart poundingcrazily in his chest. “Alright.”

Another week and half never looked morepromising.