#i mean i already am doing that actually (i just wish i could be doing it right now) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

xxplastic-cubexx · 1 month ago

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need a comic book wrapped or something so i can reflect on how obsessive i was

#snap chats #one time i looped Evil by interpol for like four hours straight and i need to see my comic book equivalent to that #'are you thinking about' i am thinking about 309 again sorry but im not sorry im not saying its my favorite issue ever however.#its going to stick with me until my body is rotting in the earth i think #it just has a lot i could want out of a charles-centric issue. at least in regards to his relationships with himself and others #i fear today i was thinking of how he lowkey wished he died in that snowstorm cause i mean 1.) thats a mood 2.) Oh Charles..#//loud sight// id say im gonna smack him but amelia beat me to that 💀#beating on a disabled man is crazy and then you want him to hold you afterwards GIRL .... idc about misunderstanding what is that..#anyways. i wish i were not ill and yet here i am #maybe if i actually focused on the work i gotta do i could finally get to the shit i WANNA do and then ill be free 👁️👄👁️#i already decided to take all of january off from comm stuff so if i just lock in for this week ill be good to be ill #alright bye. maybe if i went to a cafe or somethign i could focus better... <- im not doing that

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scattered-winter · 7 months ago

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every day i kick a rock and bash my head into the wall because i'll never get to go on a big space adventure and become tightly close-knit with my new found family up there <//3

#re lrb..........#i mean realistically if i was in the voltron/quintenary stars universe chances are i would probably NOT be one of the people #going on the space adventure.#i'd be roped into the plot when the aliens invade and earth almost gets destroyed. spoilers for arc 2 btw sorry #but man. child soldierism aside i wish that were me so so so bad #sadly kicks a rock when will EYE have a deep and mystical connection with a giant ancient cat :(#its not even that i want to interact with the main cast bc i dont really i just. wanna be in their position man #i think one of the reasons why voltron grabbed me so hard (among MANY) is how badly i wanted to do what the main characters did #i remember when i was first watching it while it was coming out i would CONSISTENTLY daydream about being launched into space #with a handful of other people and having to fight a war and grow up far away from home and all the suffocating stuff that came with it #and then coming back years later already solidly knowing who i am and being confident in that #so i'd actually be brave enough to be unapologetic about it. and i'd be found family with the people i went to space with also #that parts important #idk man just. i dont like saying i was abused when i was younger because i really dont think it was like that and it isnt even close to #what how people who have really been abused have had to go through #but sometimes i really do wonder. like now that im (mostly) out and able to review everything with an outside perspective #not even getting into the cult survivorism stuff this is JUST family dynamics im talking about here #bc that shit is a whole other can of worms #i think my parents were genuinely doing the best they could with the cards they were dealt but. jesus christ.#i would have given ANYTHING to be able to run away from all that. and throw magic cats into the equation? brother im GONE #anyway this tags ramble has derailed in a MAJOR way. tldr i wanted to be a paladin sooooo fuckign bad bro #like it actually makes me SICK how much i want a lion. red you are my forever girl even if only in my heart <///3 #i still do want to do all that out of principle but its not as desperate now i just really love space and really want a big kitty friend #winter speaks

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schalotte · 10 months ago

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i am so weird around other people i'm getting on my own nerves. Be Normal Girl

#actually it is in my head like i am Normal just shy as fuck which IS weird for an adult don't lie . but like do u know what i mean #it's not that i'm noticeably strange i think i just . don't know . how to casually talk to people.#i wish everyone i met already knew me intimately & we could chill & i wouldn't have to think at all abt what kind of impression i'm making

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acourtofquestions · 3 months ago

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Chapter 89

I just finished Chapter 89

#I just finished Chapter 89… I don’t know what else to say… I have a lot to say… but… like… no. Just no.#Kingdom of Ash spoilers in tag and I guess kinda post but not really #90s only gonna hurt more with Abraxos & Narene & I hate reading reactions & Dorian’s not there & Manon my love like what do we do now what #first read #reading reacts #live updates #read with me #cry with me die with me idk cause why with me all I have now is bad rhymes cause my brain has been evaporated too (too soon?)#read along #Chapter 89 #Kingdom of Ash #Sarah Jessica Maas why did you do this to me #I miss ACOTAR where no one dies #I mean it’s well written #and I’m fangirl heartbroken #but also real world crying #cathartic read world grief Maasverse moments and love and loving and hope and destruction and despair and fangirling and feels and agh #this better have a happy ending #I can’t keep calm but I guess I’ll read on #I don’t know the last time a book made me actually cry this much and broke my heart so deeply… I miss you already Asterin… Vesta… Sorrel… 13 #stupid tag letter count cut off stopping me from listing them all but my loves … always … until the darkness claims us… and even then…#I am not okay #I am dead inside #I will never recover #KoA actually stands for Killed Off All of my soul that’s what the KOA part means #SARAH WHAT DID YOU DO #I wish I could hug fictional characters #haven’t finished the book yet just the chapter that finished me #once 13 always 13 #I prefered live Fenrys since it ACTUALLY INVOLVED LIVING

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selfinflictedgunshotwound · 7 months ago

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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible

#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything #i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by #while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi #i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real #problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about #and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real #or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason #i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place #because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk #negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual #i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed #a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO #i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait #and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life #like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it #just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy #i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy #and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation #because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life #anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is #to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck

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icewindandboringhorror · 7 months ago

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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper #Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed #with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi #all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement #english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS #where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to #like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect #score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol #I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret #meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you #get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized #speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea #ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different #ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one #liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate #in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since #I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small #character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility #question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju #t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually #is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so #is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i #2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have #SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and #talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem #harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically #just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl #in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for #Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol

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dandyshucks · 11 months ago

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blinks tiredly. i decide "hm maybe i should try to expand my circle and step outside of it a little, lets go look at the main community tags" and im just greeted with a bunch of edgelords who think saying "fiction doesn't affect reality, don't like don't read" is peak activism and "fighting censorship". head in my hands. this is partially why i do not ever go into the community tags, my nervous system cannot handle blocking fifty weirdos every single day just so i can have a normal experience in the community tags hfdsjkl

#I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE BLOCKED ALREADY. i am TRYING to curate my experience 😭😭😭#and i have so many tags blacklisted fjdsjkl like. so many. every single variation of tag to do with those chuckleheads #which helps avoid them a lot of the time tbh bc it'll flag posts that ppl rb if the original post was tagged w any of those #so i can avoid rbing posts that have chuckleheads as the op most of the time #i also usually double check OP's blog before i rb stuff now bc man this place is rife with these weirdos #ANYWAYS. yes i want to try to engage w the community but i do not think i can handle it if theres gonna be so many edgelords jkdslfl #the only way i follow new ppl now is when yall do promo hour and i sometimes see a new face pop up fdsjkl #every now and then i have energy to try to engage with new ppl but its so difficult when so many ppl are such insufferable edgelords !!!!#''im the nasty pr-sh-pper your parents warned you about 😎'' cool man you sound like the most insufferably obnoxious person ever. :/#''if you like CENSORSHIP-'' i am hitting block immediately bc u have a fundamental misunderstanding of what censorship actually is 👍#I'M TIREDDDD WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DUMB ABOUT THIS STUFF. ''fiction doesn't affect reality'' I GUESS PROPAGANDA DOESNT EXIST THEN ????#what a strange world they live in honestly. they dont understand how stories have served humans since the dawn of time. sighing loudly.#vent //#SORRY FOR THIS ONE IM JUST. ARGH. ppl talk abt encouraging community but i think maybe im not cut out for community #i want desperately to partake but i cannot handle it if it means dealing w all these bozos #it frustrates me to no end fdhsjkl and it upsets me so much and i wish i could deal w it better but. my nervous system is broken fdsjkl #i will try to expand my circle every now and then but i cannot do it often bc of this 😭 im not going to give up entirely though fdsjkl #(also this is partially why i dont tag my posts w community tags anymore bc i am just. so scared of these freaks getting their hands on it)#(the most i'll do is s.afeship or variations every now n then bc supposedly they're not in those tags fdsjkl)#delete later #dandyshucks

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srldesigns6277 · 9 months ago

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.

#personal #sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be someone people want to talk to #or at least had students who could listen to what i say for just five minutes #god i hate yelling then they say thats all i do when if i talked normally no one fucking listens #then i take it way too hard when they say they dont like me when at least i stepped up to take their class #a class that had already ran off one teacher #but no im too useless because i actually make them do work and tried to have rules #last year was hard but at least i felt fulfilled by the end of the year with all my classes #i have never craved the end of the year so much or as much as i have this year #its not even both classes either its just this one that makes me dread working with them as much as they apparently hate me #sadly i can understand why their teacher left #and i know im not the best replacement since im learning how to teach them as they learn from me #but im just tired #its only a month left but i am so ready to never see any of them again #but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job #one actually teaching my correct subject that i love #i hope like hell that i get a job and one i really want because i dont want to have to come back to this school #*it has the most substitute jobs #i dont like being loud even if no one believes me i dont like being mean though i know when i have too i just dont feel good enough #if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years #sorry being sad on main #if you read this #thanks

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cavity-collector · 5 months ago

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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me #i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum #my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation #depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man #theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please #i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good #but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great #i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to #actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die #i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless #i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something #probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so #ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left #ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this #an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways #no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil #because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good #idk what im saying anymore #someone shoot me #please im not kidding #just make it stop #tw vent #tw sui #delete later

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talkorsomething · 7 months ago

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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length #but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this #middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl #i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know #how short that is. it might not look good so i worry #the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this #i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day #tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will #be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden #iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason #i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again #idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier #buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything #and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first #correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs #i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again #i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything #i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all #i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces #in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed #i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not #i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on

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kweenkatsuki-main · 7 months ago

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Dude it’s fucking nuts that the world just keeps on going and people just keep on dying.

#there’s never enough time #it’s always the second I think I’m getting through something else happens #It’s KCH’s family member and I am being strong and keeping it together for him #but fucking christ this shit is legit traumatizing fam #he called me at work to tell me and I shut down and went numb IMMEDIATELY #not even because I’m sad #I mean I am #but the call came and I was frozen for what felt like 20 years but was actually a few seconds #just frozen while my brain went through that whole fucking day again #when will I stop being afraid of answering a call that tells me someone else I love is dead?#it’s not about me though. this isn’t about me. I’m not trying to #I just….am trying to be a good wife ok #but idk if I am?#idk if I can continue to be?#with like helping with the grief #but I’m at such a loss man #I’ll do whatever it takes for him #I just don’t know if it’s enough #and i don’t know if my psyche will survive it #was already spiraling because August is closing in #like what do I do? how do I get better for him?#I am tryingggggggggggggggggg #I wish I could just disappear…..

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clenastia · 11 months ago

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i dont know why the running joke of this chapter is kakashi fearing for his kidneys. where did that come from. WHY did that come from.

i should probably cut that in editing it's a little ridiculous.

except it makes me giggle every time so maybe i should leave it there.

#girl's mind fanfic #clena's writing progress #just have to write ONE more conversation and the whole chapter is done. but DAMN if editing wont be a bitch #still wondering if i should cut jiraiya's 3-page infodump #because while most people dont mind #some people keep commenting saying that my fic is too wordy and i keep adding unnecessary things #and like. they're 1% of reviews but i have the emotional fragility of a china teacup #i cry when i get those sorts of reviews and they ruin my day even tho i get twenty comments who love my rambling #but like. also. i shouldnt delete stuff from my fic just for the 1% of assholes who will say mean things about it #but also i dont want to cry when someone inevitably says something mean about it.#most if not all of said assholes are on fanfiction dot net so technically i could just stop cross posting #except there are people on that site who DO like my rambles so #ugh. why am i such an emotionally sensitive crybaby. my life would be so much better #if i didnt have such thin skin #i'm 90% certain that jiraiya's 3-page infodump is going to get LONGER with editing cause i'm gonna turn it from infodump into #an actual conversation. so who knows how many pages it'll be by the end. the chapter's already 6500 words #which is double my average chapter length #and i DO like the info he presents even if it maybe ISNT strictly required for progressing the story. probably only the last paragraph is #ugh. i wish people would just never say mean things ever. then i wouldn't have a problem with anything xD

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loumauve · 8 months ago

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the thing (well, one thing anyway) about chronic pain is how you'll have a day or half a day or even just a few hours that'll get you so close to just fucking wanting to end it all right then and there because you're just so tired of being in pain and it feeling like it'll never end and never get better, and your brain feels like it's on fire and you can't remember the last time you felt even just okay, much less fine or good.

and logically you know it'll probably be alright again in time, but the effort it takes to just make it through that moment is so exhausting that it just leaves you drained.

and it's not like you want to die, you just want the pain and misery to stop, and sometimes it feels like it never will. like you're just stuck on that endlessly-looping train track through hell with no stops to get off, and nothing will help you feel even minutely better at all.

#anyway. it's been a day so far and I have not been coping well today #just more migraine madness with a mean dizziness kick to it as has happened more and more often lately #and I didn't know if I'd be able to keep my pain meds down or if I would even be able to make it to lying down in time #nor how long I could lie down for before my neck would make it all worse again #I'm better now obviously but it was touch and go and it's not been the first time I've pondered if it's at all worth it #the taking meds every day to make sure I don't end up spiralling out of control from some mood episode #the taking more meds to try and keep my migraine in check when it seems as though it's just been getting worse #and like the meds are less and less effective (when I know I have zero alternatives bc of the meds I'm already on)#and I just get so tired. and fed up with it all. and I want to be hopeful and optimistic #but what am I doing it all for you know? is all this agony worth the few good days and moments #and logically I know the answer is yes. there is a lot more good in all those days than I can recall right now #but it's so hard to remember when I can barely open my eyes. barely get up. barely walk without being in pain #so I guess I just needed to get that out. no need to worry I'm not stupid and I'm far too stubborn to give up #I just wish the world would stop and quiet down for a bit so I could have a break. an actual one for once #a day in the life of..#about this gal

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nuclearspring-a · 10 months ago

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thinking about a timeline in which benny actually just pulls off an independent new vegas thanks to a little luck and perseverance and a sufficiently dead mailman

#ooc.#him surviving and seeing his vision realized by an obstacle he'd believed up to a point he'd removed is something that keeps me up at night #well. my insomnia keeps me up at night.#but i digress.#wonder if he'd be able to con caesar courier style at the fort. personally i believe in him #maybe i see the narrative through benny tinted glasses sometimes but.#as i said. a little luck. a little perseverance.#a little more of the narrative acknowledging that he's not an idiot.#the conversation you can have with him when he's caught at the fort and handing his plan over because he understands his fate is so.#i love him.#and i need to replay fnv.#i mean i already am doing that actually (i just wish i could be doing it right now)#HE IS A CHARACTER WITH SUCH A LIKE... TONE PROBLEM THOUGH. HONESTLY.#which i love! i love him as this unpredictable and somewhat inconsistent being #i love how he switches from menace to comedy and back #i wouldn't even call it a problem if i felt his narrative was more uh. fully realized. i wish he had An Ending that wasn't so ambiguous obv #tho in some ways i do appreciate the ambiguity. it interests me #anyway he did nothing wrong !

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icewindandboringhorror · 5 months ago

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Recent game related things .. hrmm...

#I do like the inconsistency of the first map. that is actually something older but that I re-found and added to my Game Reference stuff #so that when characters reference where they're from I can be accurate. I like that the whole map is kind of shifted up that way. Where the #actual south part doesnt even count as the south since its Too Far and Scary lol. and if you say you're from 'the north' thats basically #like.. one single continent. Though some people do make distinctions like 'north midlands' or etc. still. I like the ways that common #language isn't always precisely accurate like that. and thinking about why a culture would classify things a certain way or etc. etc.#The inventory page is so funny to me because it's literally just the BASe like.. sample layout just to make sure it works properly with 0 #actual design into it. just colored rectangles thrown together in MS paint. but what if I like... left it like that.. what if all the other #art in the game and UI is like stylized and fully matching BUT the inventory/journal/etc. screens I just left as plain colored blocks #with random misalignments and black spots and etc gjhbhjj... It looks unfinished in a Funny Contrast way to me.#the wordcounts are just like... my past few days of writing.. I am still not getting 2200 words a day done or whatever I needed. I'm lucky #if it's even half of that .... tee hee.. :3c I do also keep having appointments and other things going on but..grrr...#The full map of the area is probably not necessary but I thought it would be more realisitc if people were able to reference things. Like i #you have people all living in a city area probably at some point someone might mention a neighboring city or some landmark nearby #or etc. so I thought having at least the basic names of what's around for reference would be sensible. A side character mentioning #'oh yeah I don't live here full time I just travel from Marisene sometimes' or whatever makes it seem more like a Real #Fleshed Out Place than people just making vague references like 'the river' or 'i come from a city nearby' or 'i went to a place somewhere #around here' or 'the other city' or etc. lol.. Especially since global cities/global areas are weird as they operate almost like an #independent country within their walls. so it's like a micro country inside of another country usually. just plopped down in some agreed #upon plot of land that won't be too disruptive to the main country around it. That could get very complex depending on the cultural and #political backdrop of where they're placed (though obviously they try to choose the 'easiest' areas possible for it). Asen is a very mild #country without much history of conflict or anything so it's fine. But still interesting that Sifeh and the entire branched out global area #border three other districts of Asen. Which means like 3 times the local representitives you'l have to negotiate with for some major change #or anything. I think one of the 'random characters you can find around the world and have short discussions with just to make the area #feel more populated and real even though theyre not actual important npcs' is going to be a guy who actually serves on the council that #handles running the global areas and he's like.. some perpetually exhausted middle aged elf running around with a clipboard or whatever #ANYWAY...... hrgh... still trying to write when I can....#I WISH so badly that I had the scope for a simple character creation menu and all character interactions would allot for the background #of your player character. And also to have a simple day night cycle where places in the world you explore/people you talk to during the day #have new options or dialogue at night.. BUT alas... I already am so behind on everything as is lol.. aughhh... T o T #As the worlds number one Needless Detail And Complexity Enjoyer i must dilligently prevent myself from adding additional complexity

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anothermonikan · 3 months ago

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I don't think you can actually tell the difference between someone having a legimate issue or difficulty completing work vs someone 'just being lazy' that easily actually.

#Sorry sorry lots of talk about group work today and everyone's a fucking struggler who's basically doing it solo or whatever #And that topic of conversation has always made me feel Bad because I've always had trouble keeping up the pace at which most people work #It's part of the reason I tend to leave stuff so late because i get scared and then work all the time no breaks.#It always disclaim it's gonna take me about 5x longer to do work most people can probably complete in an hour #Because I get very stressed and I'm a perfectionist and my brain is weird and overthinks everything ever #I have not yet found any solution to this issue. I am convinced there isn't one except leaving it all to the last week and using the panic #To pull all nighters every other day. To get it done #But I can't fucking. Do that if out progress is logged on a repo... Thinking ahead to out next assignment #I've already had the hard talk with my friends about it and they where all very nice to me but I still feel bad a bit #And I'm glad they know it's not because I don't care I care so hard it fucks me up to the point where it gets really difficult asdfhdhd #But idk sometimes people will bring examples up of one of their teammates 'clearly just being lazy and not caring enough' and it's just #Something I can fall into doing as well. So like. I don't think it's that easy to tell actually #Like I get if it's a pattern then you kinda have to intervene because yknow it's a grade you need to get #I hope if I ever fall so bad I stop working that my friends would pop in to ask me if they could help. But people are very. Mean about it #Idk where I was going with this I just wish I was better than I am I guess. Aughhh #I should go to bed <<< feels bad as fuck because they got nothing done today #android.txt

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