#i may do more this was absurdly fun to paint

[estrangedandwayward]

Son | Mother

Aemond

Helaena

[tortugatime]

finally i got this lore post out (i had to restart sob sob)

rules for this post:

- while none of the turtles knew about being queer/all identified as boys back then, i'll be using their present-day pronouns for this.

- this acts as less of a timeline of important events (like the previous lore post) and more like a description of what they were like as children

- if i'm being vague about something, it's because it's important in some way (and i like to keep yall on ya toes :P)

if there is literally anything you want to know (yes, even "dumb" questions), send in an ask! they bring me joy!!

and now, onto the post

as covered previously, yoshi escaped into the sewers, freshly mutated and now a father of four. for the first few weeks he and his new children bounced from spot to spot, looking for a place to call home. eventually, yoshi settled upon a long abandoned section of the sewers, one that was spacious and surprisingly clean (because is it tmnt without an absurdly spacious sewer?)

now that they had a home, yoshi decided it was time he name his four children. after all, they would need names eventually. with that in mind, yoshi chose to name them after renaissance artists: michelangelo, leonardo, donatello, and raphael. as for himself��he could not be hoshi anymore, and hamato yoshi was long gone. once again, yoshi renamed himself: now, he would be…splinter. yeah, that was a good name.

years passed by, and the turtles began to grow. splinter did his best to be present in their young childhood but, despite those efforts, he was absent more often than not. splinter's entire life had been uprooted once again, and now he was responsible for the lives of four children. he often found himself in the midsts of depressive episodes, ones that rendered him unable to function. that, combined with the frequent scavenging trips he had to undergo, led to someone else stepping up in his place: his eldest child, donatello.

donnie knew they were the oldest of the four. they also knew they were the smartest - their various inventions were a testament to such. so, in her mind, it made sense for her to take on splinter's responsibilities: cooking, cleaning, child care, everything that splinter was unable to do. donnie learned to do all of these, despite being a child himself. but, even though donnie stepped up as a parental fill-in, it didn't stop him from having a childhood - raphael made sure of that.

raph was a mischievous child who wore his heart on his sleeve - a stark contrast to the turtle he grew up to be. he knew that things were stressful - that splinter was sad, donnie was tired, and mikey was sickly - and brought fun into their everyday lives. he would find ways to brighten up life in the lair, from making art with mikey to causing trouble with leonardo who, as much of a goody-two toes as he could be, would participate every now and then.

where donnie was calm and raph was a troublemaker, leo was opposite to both of them; he was an anxious rule follower, always with another thing to worry about. but, while he strived to be the golden child of the four, he would still cause trouble and have some fun with his older brother. back when they were children, the two got along well enough - there wasn't yet a rift between them, nor was there much fighting. but, even as close as they may have been, leo was objectively much closer with the baby of the family: michelangelo.

mikey was the light of their family, balancing the four of them out with her kind heart and joy for everything. she may have been a bit weaker than her brothers, her poor immune system leading to her getting sick often, but that didn't stop her from trailing after them and doing everything they would do. she would make food with donnie, paint with raph, read comics with leo and, at rare times, could even get their father to play along with the rest of them. she held the family together, and continues to do so present day.

their childhood wasn't exactly the most normal of childhoods, but they made do with what they had. they made games out of their environment, from swimming in the cleaner parts of the sewer water to seeing who could find the coolest trash when dumpster diving; they would explore the sewers, making sure to stick together and not stray too far from the lair; and, whenever given the opportunity to go to the surface in disguise with their father, they would take it in earnest and enjoy the limited time they had up there.

it was natural for them to want to experience the world beyond their underground home, and they got to do such on the rare occasions splinter took them to the surface - usually just to help scavenge, and for holidays such as halloween. but sneaking out wasn't out of the question for them - the twins were the best at getting away with it, mikey being too noisy and leo usually chickening out last minute. while they would never get very far - the furthest they'd ever go being a rooftop - the two relished in the freedom.

raph was especially eager to sneak out when he could, too young to truly understand the why behind them hiding away. mikey felt a similar way, and would continue to well into her teen years. donnie and leo, on the other hand, were much more opposed to contact with humans - leo because of splinter's rule, and donnie because they were smart enough to make the connections themself. the world could never know about them, because it would never accept them.

because of their inherently lonely existence - hidden away from a world that would shun them no matter what - they were as close as can be. they were all each other had, after all. but they changed as they grew older; they grew apart. and while change is natural, especially as you grow up, it's debatable whether they changed for the better or for the worse.

after an…incident on the surface, raph wasn't the same; he was an angry shell of himself, lashing out at others and pushing his loved ones away. donnie grew bitter towards splinter due to his on-and-off presence in their early years, and became independent to a concerning degree. leo threw himself into perfectionism, his own coping mechanism for everything going on at home. and mikey? she did her best to hold them together, acting as the glue for their family.

of course, not all the change was bad. splinter grew to accept what he had become and began to be more involved in their lives, and do his best to make amends for what he hadn't done in the past. mikey's health improved as she grew older, and she became ill less frequently than before. and they all became much more proficient as ninjas, eventually being allowed to go on their first mission (a mission that kicks off the plot, i may add).

the turtles still have a lot more growing to do. even if a bit of blood is shed along the way.

———

as a thank you for reaching the end of the post, here's art of them as tots. as for their ages here, they are 8, 7, and 6 respectively.

[daily-fantasy-ideas]

I posted 519 times in 2022

That's 298 more posts than 2021!

218 posts created (42%)

301 posts reblogged (58%)

I tagged 508 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#fantasy ideas - 190 posts

#idea reruns - 185 posts

#fantasy writing - 136 posts

#fantasy setting - 132 posts

#writing ideas - 124 posts

#fantasy - 92 posts

#fantasy world building - 87 posts

#fantasy writing idea - 76 posts

#writing fantasy - 68 posts

#writing - 54 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#also if you're against vaccines in anyway go throw yourself in a big pit that you might fall endlessly in till the reality reaches it's end

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Take a page from the UK and give the political positions in your fantasy setting some absurdly pompous titles for jobs that absolutely do not deserve them.

Like you could have a group called the "Shadow Council" whose job is just looking at policies to check if they make sense and are legal to implement.

You could also have someone whose official job title is something like "Guardian of the Lord's Halls" and all they do is open a door as a part of a ceremony that basically only politicians see.

Perhaps you could even have a group of people whose entire job is to tell everyone to shut up if they get too loud and have their title be the "Anointed Viceroys of Order"

276 notes - Posted May 21, 2022

#4

You know I've always liked?

Characters who wear feature concealing masks and helmets, not only does it add an air of mystery to them, it also looks super cool.

And it lets you potentially have a dramatic face-revealing scene, that could uncover any number of dramatic twists about the now maskless character's identity

or you could just have it reveal that they're just some person, with no attached twists or revelations.

But honestly, I kinda prefer it if a character just keeps on the mask or helm at all times cus it's cooler.

Oh, and it lets you have them convey their emotions with slightly exaggerated gestures and voice, which sounds a bit more fun to write than facial expressions.

347 notes - Posted March 15, 2022

#3

I think it'd be funny if there was a high percentage of magic users who just don't know how the mechanics of magic actually work, and they don't particularly care to figure out how because it really doesn't seem important.

374 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

#2

If you're ever writing a character who's usually silent, something you might want to remember is that voice will eventually become less powerful and more difficult for them to use.

For example, having to talk for any amount of time could render their voice somewhat unstable with voice breaks occurring repeatedly as they continue to speak past their limit.

It could also hinder their ability to exclaim loudly with shouts and screams, as their voice is not used to exerting that much effort

Oh and psychologically they could just not be sure about what level of volume to have their voice at and how to have it be at that level, occasionally causing them to either be too quiet or too loud.

402 notes - Posted May 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

You know those phone charms that were really popular in the early 2000s that you'd get from gatchapon machines?

What if things that were a bit like those existed in your fantasy setting, obviously they wouldn't come out of capsule dispersing machine be for phones, but they could be sold in market stalls and attached to books and knives and swords and spades and armour uh . . . hats?

They'd also probably be made of wood, metal or stone and cheap ones definitely wouldn't be painted with any detail.

Oh, and some should also have magical enchantments on them, not all but some.

2,163 notes - Posted January 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[anosci]

Media Thread

im making a list of media ive watched/played/etc this year with brief thoughts. its going to be far less featured than my music list, but still a bit long. again mirroring twitter except this time because fuck twitter.

list below the cut

～January～

1/ Princes Arete (2001) I was sold on this movie under the premise that it's similar to Kino no Tabi. and… it is. kinda. Kino and Arete would be cool pals. Every character is interesting, which seems rare(?) Only real drawback: the hostage situation kinda really sucked.

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2/ Time of EVE (2008/9) the classic tale: androids indistinguishable from humans as an allegory for racism. but unlike DBH, this is actually really good. its a story that feels like a single thread in a vast tapestry that'd be fascinating to explore, but too bad: you only have 6 eps

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3/ Spice & Wolf (2008) i remember loving this show. i don't remember understanding the economics. I took notes this time. I still struggled. (spoilers for ep3) regardless: wow this is a good show. weirdly, I saw myself in the relationship portrayals. I guess that means its realistic?

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～February～

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4/ Spice & Wolf II (2009) i feel like this kinda fell off? :( like it tried too hard to be action-packed. and that worked sometimes. but that first arc was just… :( it feels like a case of "just needs an editing pass. needs a bit more focus" i'll treasure S1 more, after all

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5/ Double Fine PsychOdyssey (2023) absurdly captivating. i say that it's a miracle that any video game gets made ever. this shows that Psychonauts 2 was several miracles in succession. it's simultaneously illusion-shattering and inspiring.

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6/ The Owl House S1 (2020) finally sat down to watch this. it's GOOD. lots of worldbuilding to chew on, and then it picked up quite nicely. im immediately pouncing on S2 and feeling glad i was late enough to be able to marathon

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～March～

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7/ The Owl House S2 (2022) stumbling down the boulderest mountain and hitting every rock on the way down. the rocks represent engagement. i am engaged. i adore this show. it is a little weird to suddenly freeze mid-tumble.

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8/ Broken Age (2014) (Dr. Mick's LP) delightful start! brilliant, even! then the big bad is revealed and…. meh. I watched Dr. Mick's playthru tho, and holy shit that's some really cool commentary.

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9/ Double Fine Adventure! (2015) its a little unfortunate that the nature of gamedev means that the ending is kinda anticlimatic but good lord what an amazing journey. i'd watch a million of these.

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10/ Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) ok ok fine ill [finally] watch it …oh its good. like really good. its rly funny but in a way that fascinatingly beside the point? yeah I can see why some ppl didnt like this but i think its super fun

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11/ Nichijou (2011) a nice and cute slice of life thing… that occasionally breaks out some quality jokes. though only half of them landed for me. i feel like i would've gotten more out of this if I caught it at the time.

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～April～

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12/ The Owl House S3 (2023) i had a lot of reservations about the collector initially but having seen the entire arc: that came together nicely! still sad that it's The End, but like. good overall!

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13/ Penguindrum (2011) i DONT think i followed 90% of the themes and their connections. that said, i DO love the way metaphors are treated as "literal". confusing maybe, but i adore the idea of "paint what you feel not what you see" applied to storytelling.

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～May～

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14/ From the New World (2012) this has a mess of an opening (several) episode(s), but it eventually found its footing and became quite a cool action adventure… thriller i guess? i do take some issues with bits and pieces but it was a good watch overall.

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15/ GinGitune (2013) fluff. the lightest, fluffiest of fluff. melts in water. there are several elements that couldve been mined for drama and intrigue but they were all treated as background elements. (this isn't a bad thing, but it's not what you might expect.)

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～June～

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16/ Space Dandy (2014) dropped after ep4, but on good terms i guess? fun animation, funky vibes, sometimes even funny! anime johny bravo…or I think i saw a Dirty Pair comparison, which feels right. but im not meshing with the silly wacky high nrg antics rn. maybe another time.

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～July～

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17/ Death Parade (2015) rly misleading intro (i was ready to drop lol) rly rly promising setup by ep4 RLY good development and mildly biffed ending, but hard to fault considering its a 12ep. i love the aesthetics, worldbuilding, characters. overall i really really liked this!!!

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18/ One Punch Man S1 (2015) i forgot how fun this show is! and the great worldbuilding! i dont plan to move to the second season again tho. i thought about grabbing the manga instead but good lord it's way longer than i thought. oh well.

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19/ Flying Witch (2016) slicest of life with a la croix touch of supernatural. the normal slices didn't do much for me 90% of the time. but the supernatural slices? choice. (…mostly.) tbh i just want an entire season of that cafe.

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～August～

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20/ Haven't You Heard? I'm Sakamoto (2016) i was skeptical, but this actually worked rly well. for moment. a short, beautiful moment. most of the potential here was stifled by trying to add high school drama/plot. the comedy tho, at its best, had a vibe i havent felt since hayate

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～September～

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21/ Saiki Kusuo no Psi Nan (2016) it is VERY EASY for a comedy show to slide from "absurdity = funny" to "this is just annoying". somehow, this never crossed that line, which was weirdly refreshing? not always a winner, but overall a good mix of laughs and superpower exploration.

21b/ edit to add: oh this was right after Sakamoto! Man. The two feel kind of kindred but Saiki is leagues better at staying fresh.

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22/ Viewfinder (2023) short but very sweet mind-bender puzzler thing. the story had a cool foundation but fumbled in execution imo. but the gameplay? top notch. felt great through and through. never too difficult. beautiful idea and beautiful execution.

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23/ Flip Flappers (2016) uncertain about the show at first, and then, after watching… im still uncertain. i did enjoy it, but I also felt outside the audience ig? a case where I can imagine a version of this show that knocks my socks off, but as-is it's just a fun ride

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24/ Fionna & Cake (2023) my expectations were very low and they were VASTLY exceeded! think this show is at its strongest when exploring characters w short stories, which was most of this. the ending felt slightly fumbled…i think it couldve rocked me but instead it was just :).

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～October～

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25/ Outer Wilds: Echoes of the Eye (2021) i already played and loved this game, but happened upon About Oliver's playthrough and fell in love again. truly that is The Most outer wilds playthrough. good lord.

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26/ The Amazing Digital Circus (2023) interesting and filled with style… but not for me. i'd list complaints but basically all of them are strengths and favorites for someone else. yknow?

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～November～

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27/ Little Witch Academia TV (2017) as the credits roll, i find myself with two thoughts: croix was done dirty and wow this is SPECTACLE. aptly magical. oh also! it was quite fun to follow along with contemporary discussion

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～December～

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28/ Scott Pilgrim Takes Off (2023) oh it's like. really good. i dont remember the movie so i cant compare but this stands well on its own and i love the character exploration, even if i dont like some of the uhh… what would you call that? scifi jokes? (spoiler territory soz)

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29/ Land of the Lustrous (2017) FLOORED by how much I loved this. qualms about the CG turned into admiration, the shading drawing me into the world. worries about annoying characters melted away to find admirable layers. THE USE OF SYMBOLISM kept me SO well fed. and the pacing!

29b/ cont: my only complaint that isn't a nitpick: i hate how it left so, so, so many threads loose. i faceplanted my dashboard during the decelerating pace between the first 10 eps and the final 2. i get that it's from an ongoing manga but that still felt maximum bummer.

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30/

[mbaudelaire]

STARTER FOR. open | @exclusivestarters​. LOCATION. any restaurant in the west village.

Recently, Marie has found herself attempting to do things other than sleeping, breathing, and dancing. Her free time is often scarce, but when she does have it she usually spends time rehearsing or stretching or doing anything that might keep her skills in tip-top shape — though she has decided that will be no more. Marie has lived in New York for fifteen years and has barely had any fun at all, so now that she’s nearing the end of her career and trying desperately to find where she fits in the aftermath, she’s decided fun must be had. It’s how she finds herself sitting alone at a small hole in the wall bar a few blocks from her apartment, sipping on a small glass of wine as she reads and takes advantage of the generous happy hour and mood lighting. The person next to her has order something that smells absurdly delicious — and Marie, who has spent years denying herself life’s simply pleasure such as cheese, can’t help but fixate on the dish. “That smells wonderful.” She draws out, intrigue painted across her features. “May I ask what you ordered?”

[mafaldaknows]

Jps posted a picture of sinking ship. What I don't get is how jps know about Timothees dynamic with armie or his love life. I don't think Timothee is close to jps to share his deep secrets with him

Hello, Anon:

The preponderance of evidence suggests otherwise, to me anyway. JPS was one of the people Timmy invited to his SNL hosting gig, and was seated in the audience behind his mom. This is enough of an indicator for me that they share a significant connection between them.

As for the darkly whimsical, perilous yet oddly hopeful painting, For All We Know (2018) by Oliver Jeffers, which JPS posted last night, I think there’s more to it than what seems obvious at first glance.

While it’s easy to focus on the disaster of the sinking ship and the iceberg in the distance, let’s consider the two astronauts and the piano in the foreground. The caption says “Lost At Space” (but that’s not space), a cheeky twist of a familiar phrase, suggesting that they may have missed their mark.

Yet they persist. They look to be rescuing a piano, but not struggling to do so. They are still afloat and so is the piano. They do not resist the fact that they’re not in space, and adapt to their present circumstances and surroundings, in order to accomplish their mission.

This to me looks like the extraordinary courage, perseverance, hope, optimism, and trust in the Universe required of mere mortals to buckle up and launch themselves into outer space like gods, which seems to align with the artist’s intentions. At its face value, exploring new worlds in this way seems like an absurdly risky idea, and yet people do it, because the rewards, if it works out, are immeasurable. It would seem that managing fears and expectations is the hardest part of the journey, and of the mission.

I see parallels to this idea in Timmy’s life, especially at this exciting juncture in his career. Perhaps that’s what JPS had in mind.

Or maybe he just liked this painting.

I think we need to remember that these signs are not always intentional on the part of the sign holder, and that to rely on them as definite neon signs pointing to the truth misses the point of why these little hits of serendipity and kismet are often so delicious or intriguing to me. It’s seeing the hand of the Universe conspiring to place these signs in our path that make them so much fun to find.

And while I welcome anyone who wants to join me on these trips of serendipity down the rabbit hole, no one is obligated to do so. Take what you want from what JPS shares with us and leave the rest. Or decide that it’s complete nonsense and move on to whatever makes sense to you, Anon. Either way works for me. This is what makes sense to me, even if no one else gets it.

Thanks for your comment.❤️🧿✨🧑🏻‍🚀🎹👨‍🚀✨

[astoldbygingersnaps]

#wip wednesday

it’s me, ya boy, back with Yet Another New Project!

this time, i bring you the beginnings of a oneshot dreamt up by alexa continuing to fan the flames of my shiita brainrot. enjoy!

There are very few moments in Itachi’s life that he can point to and say that he felt truly content. Many of them are from his childhood, small snatches of memory that involve his mother’s cooking or his brother’s laugh. One or two even contain his father, tiny blips of interaction where the man’s unbearable expectations and slavish dedication to duty had slipped away to reveal the human heart beating deep within him. But Itachi would be lying if he tried to claim that the majority of those moments did not include the friend that is currently sitting beside him.

This, however, is not one of those moments.

Currently they’re on the outskirts of Konoha’s vast forests, the coverage against the afternoon sun thinning as the leaves wither in the crisp, autumn air. A gentle breeze rolls through, not harsh enough to chill but the current rakes its way through Shisui’s hair, making it even more unkempt than usual. Itachi’s keenly aware of this fact, and of Shisui’s general presence, as the man has himself wedged close to Itachi, his head resting on Itachi’s knees as he prattles on about Itachi’s least favorite subject: his love life. 

It’s a fascinating contrast, the image of Shisui thoughtlessly draped over Itachi as he drives the knife that is his sexual history deeper and deeper between Itachi’s ribs. But it’s not a wound that Itachi holds Shisui accountable for, not really. Painful though it may be, it’s not as if Shisui is thoughtless or intentionally cruel; it’s merely a side-effect of Itachi’s most closely guarded--and frankly most terrifying--secret.

Often, Itachi has considered telling Shisui the truth, fantasized about what the various outcomes of such an action would be. Still, each time he’s come close to confessing, the words sitting precariously on the very tip of his tongue, Itachi swallows them down like a bitter taste. After all, there’s just no neat and tidy way to say, “I’ve loved you since we were children.” So, Itachi says nothing at all, day after day, month after month, year after year.

“Are you even listening to me?” Shisui asks, in the whiny tone of voice he always gets when Itachi isn’t giving him his full attention. On any other person, it would be an annoying affectation, but Shisui has a way of making even his worst traits charming.

Yet another truth Itachi refuses to tell him. “I’m riveted,” he replies dryly, never taking his eyes off the book in his hand, fighting a smile as Shisui groans in frustration. 

“You’re a terrible friend,” Shisui says, his faux-offended expression lingering on the edge of Itachi’s vision, and in response Itachi lifts his book to block out the sight of Shisui completely.

“The worst,” Itachi hums in agreement, finally giving into a laugh when Shisui grabs the novel he’s been only mildly interested in and chucks it out of Itachi’s reach. Raising an eyebrow, Itachi looks at the discarded tome, its pagings rustling in the breeze, before glancing back at Shisui. “A bit excessive, don’t you think?”

“How come we never have these conversations about your romantic woes?” Shisui retorts, and the question is so unexpected and uncomfortable Itachi feels the neutral mask of his features start to crack.

“What?” 

Watching him critically, Shisui sits up, resting his cheek in his palm as he leans more of his weight across Itachi’s body. “I’m serious. All the times you’ve had to listen to me bitch and moan about this stuff, and not once have you ever chimed in with problems of your own. What gives?”

“Perhaps I don’t believe in kissing and telling,” Itachi replies, tone more clipped than he means it to be. Though he doesn’t resent Shisui for his curiosity, a part of him can’t help but be annoyed that somehow such a finely trained officer doesn’t realize he’s stepped on top of a massive landmine. 

Rather than take a moment to read the metaphorical room, however, Shisui presses on with his typical single-minded focus. “Oh, come on,” he argues. “It’s just us, Itachi. You know you can tell me anything.”

Despite his best efforts, Itachi can feel his stomach clenching at the proclamation. For a moment, he weighs the pros and cons of what admitting the truth would be, and is displeased to discover what the best option is. “There’s nothing to tell,” he says, shrugging as if the words don’t mean a thing, and carefully keeps his eyes off Shisui’s face.

The funny thing about Shisui is that, for all his gifts with the Sharingan’s manipulations and illusions, he’s a shockingly open book outside of his profession. Surprise paints itself across his face, all wide eyes and an open mouth, and against his will Itachi feels a flush burning at the base of his throat. “Wait, seriously?” he asks, voice low as if they’re trading secrets of national security rather than engaging in petty gossip. 

In response Itachi tugs his legs out from under Shisui, taking an unkind satisfaction in his friend’s grunt as he hits the ground. Still, the movement is, in Itachi’s mind, a tactical retreat; there’s no need to feel physically trapped when Shisui already has his metaphorically pinned down. “I’m gonna kick you.” 

“Don’t,” Shisui mutters, whiny again, as he grabs Itachi’s leg with his trademark speed. The touch burns against the bare skin of his ankle, and Itachi shakes him off with a scowl. “I’m not being an asshole--”

“All evidence to the contrary,” Itachi cuts in, annoyed.

Graciously Shisui ignores that and continues, “It’s just surprising, you know? Because you’re… Well, you.” 

Itachi feels his stomach twist. “What is that supposed to mean?” 

Shisui looks at him, and absurdly Itachi feels like an opponent on the wrong side of Shisui’s kunai. “Nothing, I guess,” he eventually offers, quietly, and the statement is so outside of Shisui’s typical cheerful, confident persona that Itachi can’t help but feel profoundly unsettled.

The truth is he’s kept himself guarded in this fashion for a variety of reasons, some he can admit to Shisui and others he’d rather be disemboweled than confess to another living soul. Part of his reluctance stems from the plain fact that he’s simply too busy with other matters to commit to dating of all things. Between his obligation to his village, his devotion to his brother, and his own ambitions at eventually securing the Hokage’s chair, he doesn’t have time to waste on a frivolous matter like courtship. 

He also knows that, somewhere down the line, his father will no doubt want to marry him off, eager to pass on the talent and promise of the esteemed Uchiha prodigy. Frankly, the man would have probably done it sooner if he hadn’t felt some gratitude towards his son for working with Shisui to end the feud between their clan and the village, thus granting the Uchiha a much higher standing in Konoha. But at twenty-three, Itachi knows he can’t count on his father’s good graces much longer, meaning the inevitable grows that much closer with each passing day. 

The other issue is… a bit more delicate. Itachi’s far too pragmatic to invest in the concept of virginity as something sacred, something special to be shared with exactly the right person at exactly the right time. But it does strike him as unfair to go to bed with a person and offer them a lie instead of himself, knowing that for every moment spent together his thoughts will be firmly locked onto someone he can never have. 

Rather than reveal any of that, however, Itachi simply says, “Sex has never been a very high priority of mine.” 

“That’s kind of depressing,” Shisui replies. “You should get out there. Play the field, have fun.” 

Itachi’s just irritated enough at his continued cross-examination of his personal life that he asks the unthinkable: “Why, are you offering?” 

In hindsight, Itachi supposes that after carrying the burden of his feelings for so long such a slip-up was inevitable. But it feels less like an understandable mistake and more like a battlefield miscalculation, one dangerous enough to leave him wide-open to a counterstrike.

That in mind, perhaps it should come as no surprise when Shisui counters, ”Do you want me to?”

to be continued.

[mirdance]

Love Will Teach Us the Way

I wasn't sure if I'd post this to tumblr since I'm just getting started on this platform, but why not! Participating in the Mysme RBB (@mysme-rbb) has been such fun. It was a pleasure to work with Rose. The lovely Ami and the story idea all belong to her! You can see both Zen and Ami staring lovingly into each others eyes in Rose's beautiful rendition of the story. The story on A03 Check out the art to this piece here: Instagram Twitter Summary: Zen plays the part of a wandering minstrel in As You Love It. Even though he isn't playing the main role, he is busier than ever as the sole provider of music for the entire play. He hasn't been able to spend much time with his beloved, even missing out on her birthday, much to her dismay. To make up for it during rehearsal season, he wanders to Ami's favorite spot on campus to serenade her an old ballad. The song Zen sings is based off a 17th century British folk song called Love will find out the Way. Original Lyrics Tune

Zen has had to wear many a unique costume for the spotlight, varying from zentai suits to bear furs to tree branches.  To gain fame in theatre, one must be willing to do the extraordinary and go beyond his comfort zone.  Aka listen to the director’s whims even if he looked absolutely ridiculous.  For William Stilspear’s As You Love It, the costuming was no different than most of his other comedies, save for the absurdly tight tights.  Sure, most bards wore tight tights, but did they have to be this tight?  Zen adjusted the band around his waist once more before buttoning up his shirt.  Even the old guy playing Fairy Number Five was starting to complain, and that dude never complained about anything.

Such was the life of the beautiful and famous.  Zen sighed and checked himself once more in the mirror.  He’d rather not present himself to his beloved in such a way, but he barely had time to visit her before dress rehearsals.  If only he were dressed as a gallant knight.  Unfortunately, for the upcoming charity play, he was one of the only performers who could sing.  This stuck him with the part of the wandering bard.  He wasn’t trying to be ungrateful, but the pants for the bard were even tighter than the other parts.  Not only that, but he’d had to practice guitar day and night.  His lovely Ami understood, but…he still felt bad, nonetheless.  How could a boyfriend miss his girlfriend’s birthday?  He was literally the worst.

He grabbed his guitar case, slung it on his back, and left the dressing room.  The show would present on Ami’s campus, and while he had initially thought it would provide them some much needed time together, he’d only had time for quick kisses before her classes.  (Much to Yoosung’s disdain, as he and Ami had a few biology classes together.  He’d been the reason Ami and Zen even met, but his complaints in messenger about their so-called ‘make out sessions’ were getting on Zen’s nerves.)  Today he knew she would be studying on her break between the Chemistry and Biology building.  The buildings were connected by a hallway that morphed into a floor to ceiling glass dome.  Inside were all kinds of artistic pieces the Fine Arts Department worked together with the science departments on.  There was an old piano no one touched in the back.  He had Yoosung make sure it was in tune a few days prior, not that Yoosung knew anything about music.  Zen had to trust the sounds he’d heard over the phone and hope for the best.

Once he arrived at the dome, he made sure to stay hidden from sight.  The area seemed rather empty of students, save for a couple yawning ones on the couches.  Good.  Not that Zen didn’t want an audience for this, but part of him also wanted the moment to be intimate.  He tip-toed around Ami’s study area.  She was heavily engrossed in the textbook laid before her, and Yoosung was busy whispering questions and showing her a worksheet.  Thank you, Yoosung.  Zen would have to make it up to him later.

Zen made it to the back of the dome without incident.  He sat at the piano and ran his fingers along the keys.  The top was dusty, but everything seemed to be in working order.  He pulled his case off his back and readied his scene.  First, he plucked the strings of his guitar, testing the sounds of the dome and the echo.  He wanted the music to fill the dome while she studied, unknown to his presence at first until she discovered something was up.  He began humming along, adding a few ooos and aaahs until he broke into his song.

Over our mountains

And over our waves

Under floods that are deepest

Which Neptune obey

Over rocks which are the sharpest

Love will teach us the way

He was quiet at first, but his voice nonetheless vibrated through the air.

Where there is no home

For the fireflies to lie

Where no one can roam

Or have freedom to fly

Where the bird dares not venture

Lest herself fast decay

But If love comes, it will enter,

And will teach us the way

Papers rustled in the distance before the clopping of shoes grew louder and louder until she reached him.  Perfect.  He winked and stood from his seat to go over to her.  She looked exhausted with her hair frizzing about her head from the recent harsh rains.  She needed to take care of herself more and sleep more, but he certainly didn’t help with his late-night texts.  He couldn’t help but be drawn to her aura.  Though she would beg to differ, he thought she looked more radiant today than ever with her backpack slung over her shoulder and a pencil in her ear.

He circled her as he sang and played until he returned and rested his foot on the piano seat.  She chuckled and crossed her arms as her cheeks slowly reddened.  She was a shy gal, probably a bit embarrassed by the sudden attention, but he loved seeing her undone and flustered.  He never wanted it to be too much, but today was special.  He wanted to make up for everything he’d been doing wrong, for not loving her enough, for not holding her enough.

You may esteem me

A boy for his might

Or you may deem me

A coward running flight

But if she, whom Love does honor,

Be hidden from the day

Set a thousand armies upon her

Love will teach us the way

He set his guitar to the side and cracked his knuckles for prep for the main crescendo: finishing the song on piano.  It wasn’t the most beautiful song, but he loved the lyrics.  He had to practice it for the play, and it just resonated with him and their situation for some reason.  Even though they were busy and couldn’t see each other, even though they’d been bickering, love would guide them and make them stronger.  He ran his fingers across the keys.

Some try to lose me

By having me confined

Some do oppose me,

Poor thing, to be blind

But ne’er can they break me

Do the best that they may

Blind Love, if so they call it,

Will teach us the way

With no where to sit, Ami dropped her things onto the floor next to him and hoisted herself up onto the piano.  Zen’s heart almost burst as she crossed her legs and leaned towards him.  It was the perfect setting for a masterpiece, and he had to tear his eyes from her chiseled legs to meet her gaze.  (She really did have killer calves, okay?  He couldn’t help himself.)  He cleared his throat and continued.

You can train a hawk

To stoop to your fist

You can train a dog

With prey coexist

The lioness, you can move her

To give her to prey

you’ll not stop the lovers,

They will find out a way.

He finished the song with his left hand and reached out with his other to caress her hand.  “They will find out a way,” he whispered to her before he enclosed his hand around hers.  He brought it to him and gently kissed her knuckles.

The air was quiet a moment as his breathing grew heavier.  She squeezed his hand and grinned as she jumped off the piano and into his lap.  He threw his arms around her, and she did the same.  No words were needed.  They could simply bask in each other’s presence for the moment and lean on each other.

“I’ve missed you.”  Zen broke the silence and grazed his lips across her neck.

“I know.  Me, too.”  She leaned her forehead into his shoulder and sighed.  “I’m sorry for getting emotional the other day.  I know we’ve got a lot going on.” He continued kissing up her ear.  “No, I’m sorry.  I should have put my foot down with the director.”

“You’re both very very sorry,” Yoosung’s voice cracked in the distance.

Ami laughed into Zen’s chest.  Zen was pissed Yoosung had ruined the moment, but he couldn’t be too mad at the guy since he’d helped so much.  Zen ran his fingers through Ami’s hair and kissed her forehead.  The bells outside rang, and Zen jolted with a groan.

“I’ve gotta get back,” he said, leaning over Ami and rummaging through the pocket of his case.  “I have a surprise for you, though.”  He placed a velvet ring box in her lap.  Her legs tensed, and Zen could hear her breath quicken.  Even though he had places to be, he gave her a moment, rubbing her back in circular motions.  She gingerly opened the box to find a stage ticket to his show and a note.

The missing part to this box can be found at my show

Will you say yes or no?

Let me have your answer tonight, princess~

Ami sat frozen with the paper between her fingers, and a grin painted her face.  “I…I…”

Zen stood, carrying his love, and placed a deep kiss on her lips.  “Now, I know how you don’t like to be placed on the spot, so I’m giving you time before you’re really placed on the spot.  Midnight has struck, and this bard has to run to rehearsals.”  He placed her on the ground and wrapped her into a hug.   “I hope I’ll see you later,” he whispered into her hair.

With that, he threw his things together and left in a hurry, leaving a dazed Ami behind with Yoosung to clean up.  Zen had other things to prepare in addition to the play itself, and he could spare no moment longer.  His heart raced into his ears as he sprinted to the theatre, and his unfortunate pants only made the run more uncomfortable.  He knew the director would have it out for him in front of everyone, but Zen didn’t care.  It was foolish, and he was stupid and young.  Yet he could only smile in anticipation for the night, and hopefully, for the ring that would grace his love’s left hand.

[moody-bloosh]

the first snowfall (Risotto Nero)

Hiya! This is for the Secret Santa event from staruplatinum’s discord uwu. @kyrare , I hope you like this soft and sentimental holiday fluff with Risotto. <3 

The holiday season had always been difficult for him. It always brought back painful memories for him, a warm, sumptuous dinner, a family he had once been a part of, a family he had turned his back on. For what? For revenge, for justice that had not been adequately served.

The season always had a way of stirring up old wounds, wounds he tried so desperately to forget about and seal away. The memory of a smile from someone he would never likely see again, the feeling of easy belonging, these were things he had lost the right to, things he had thrown away.

He had long since come to terms with the fact that the path he walked was a solitary one, one where he would need to continually trade away his humanity. Meeting you though was a paradigm shift, before he knew it your lines were intersecting and tangling. And there was nothing he could do to break away from it.

Because then, after meeting you, celebrating the holidays weren’t all that bad. The feelings of inadequacy and regret would ease up on him. He could never truly stop thinking about it, that was his curse, that was the burden he was meant to carry, after all. But he had learned to be kinder with himself, he had learned to think of different, more pleasant things because of you. It was one of the many profound and transformative effects you had in his life, he supposed.

Upon closer introspection, he had found that you were making a lot of the more difficult things in his life a bit easier to tolerate. You were his solace, the one bright spot in his dark world, the only warmth he would receive in the biting cold reality that was his life.

You made him feel almost human again. Which was saying a lot for someone like him, who was deeply entangled within the dark and seedy underbelly of the mafia, doomed to walk the narrow road of crime and vice, of shadow and death.

Risotto could come home to you on a tough day, feeling like the blood on his hands would never be washed off, and then you would come by and flash him that warm smile of yours and he would feel like he can still be forgiven even though he knows deep down that he will never be.

You make him believe that he is still worthy of good things, of beautiful things, of clean things.

To him, you were tenderness and acceptance in a world that had been anything but that for him. You were soft, butterfly kisses all across his face, ’just because.’

“Because you looked like you needed a kiss,” you tell him as you pressed a kiss on his forehead.

“Because you are just too damn adorable,” you say as you kissed him right on the tip of his nose.

“Because I want to,” you say as you placed a chaste little kiss on his lips.

It was waking up at ungodly hours of the night for a midnight snack only to find you sitting by the refrigerator light stuffing your face with the leftover takeout.

“What are you doing?” he asks, trying to stifle a laugh as you chow down on the takeout.

“I got hungry,” you said. “Do you want a bite too? I saved you some food at least.”

He finally laughed then as he found a spot beside you and together, the two of you polished off the leftovers.

It was walks in the forest beside your little cottage during ungodly hours of the night because you hated the heat of the day. It was falling asleep in each others arms on the ugly couch he salvaged last summer. It was holding hands and feeling whole, like a long time ago some part inside of the two of you had shifted long ago and it was only clicking into place now.

You taught him what it meant to love and to love without expecting anything in return. He knows he is not the easiest lover to have, after all. Even now there are times when he feels like he is unworthy of you, unworthy of the love and affection and warmth that you lavish so freely upon him. And when he tells you of this, all you can do is cup his face and look him dead in the eye. You tell him plainly, seriously, to put you down from the pedestal in his mind.

“We are only human,” you would say to him, “unworthy of love but against all odds, we find ourselves in abundance of it, so perhaps we ought to just be grateful for it, no?”

Because even you have your moments when you think you are unworthy of him. But in your time together, you have learned something. Perhaps, we are never truly worthy of another’s love, grace, and affection. But maybe that is what love is. It is given simply because.

You made the holidays feel like the holidays again. Because suddenly, the season wasn’t about the painful memories of what he had lost. It became picking out ugly Christmas sweaters to wear around the house and going to get-togethers his other team members had planned. It was putting too much alcohol in the eggnog, because who could stop the two of you from doing whatever it was that you wanted. It was snuggling up by the fireplace and talking to each other about dumb anecdotes.

It was putting too much marshmallows and piling the whipped cream on the hot chocolate high. It was decorating the Christmas tree with scrap metal and topping it off with a voodoo doll. It was snowball fights and building castles out of the snow, and making snow people because the two of you were just too tired to move around and make snow angels.

It was greeting him, “welcome home,” and him feeling like he really was at home.

Risotto finds you lying outside in the yard, a pleasant dusting of snow on your nose. To be honest, he had been frightened when he found you lying outside. His mind immediately jumping to frightening implications. Dashing to your side, it is only when he had gotten closer that he finally took note of the soft rise and fall of your chest, the small puffs of clouds that left your lips, and it is only then that he relaxes.

“What are you doing?” He asked, his brows knit in just the slightest bit of concern.

As if finally considering his presence, your gaze met his and your usual smirk made its way on your lips. There was some snow on your lashes, he noted. Your cheeks were bright red from the cold and your lips were chapped. But you were looking up at him like you hadn’t been chilling outside for God knows how long.

“Ah, Ris, just the man I wanted to see,” you said with a bright smile, that was so dazzling and vibrant in his eyes. “I forgot my keys so I thought I’d wait outside for you.”

“Yes, but by lying out in the snow?” Risotto pursed his lips, concerned as he turned his gaze to the deck he had worked so hard on last spring. “We have a perfectly good porch.”

Seemingly anticipating his response, you cheekily dug through your thick winter coat to produce a pocket heater. And with that, his tension had deflated, his feelings easing into something more whimsical. So that he could indulge you in whatever mischief you had cooking up in that lovely head of yours.

“It’s actually quite cozy,” you retorted smugly.

Risotto chuckled then, pinching your nose to tease as he plopped down right beside you on the snow, “how many of those do you have under there?”

Wrinkling your face in dismay, you managed a, “that’s a secret.”

A raise of the brow, so you wanted to be cheeky today, huh? It was no trouble, he was feeling a little more indulgent than usual, so he played along with you and asked, “do you have enough for me?”

“I may be able to spare a few for you,” you replied, your voice suddenly taking on a haughty tilt as you considered him, he was beginning to shiver, only if you ask nicely though.“

Risotto scoffed, "you’re just asking to stay outside, aren’t you?”

“Well, it is very pleasant out here, with all these pocket heaters…”

You know deep down, that Risotto will not leave you outside. He would drag you back to your shared home if need be, it wasn’t like it would be difficult. You’d seen how he carried the Christmas tree to the living room on one arm. He could just toss you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and be done with it.

But it was fun teasing him, so you stretch out this moment for as long as you can. With another sigh, Risotto lay down on the snow beside you. You noticed the way he bristled from the cold that was quickly seeping into his clothes. Had you been feeling particularly impish that day, you would have called him out on it. But the cold just had a way of taking things from you. So you are only too happy to stew in silence with him.

Risotto reaches his hand out and on instinct, you take his hand. Later, when the two of you rise, Risotto will tell you what a pretty picture it painted. How cute the indentation of your bodies in the snow showed a cute couple holding hands in the snow. Although, it was certainly a step down from the giant snowman from last year, and the absurdly large snow bunny from the other year. It certainly won points in sweetness.

The two of you spend some time watching the stars for a little bit. This far out from the city, it was certainly easier to see the stars. Your little cottage with Risotto, far away from the hustle and bustle of the city, far away from the smog, from the light pollution. His one true haven, the only other place he could run to when he felt particularly escapist.

You mouth off about something you read about stars in the paper today, and ever attentive, he listens.

“Isn’t it interesting, Ris,” you began, “you know all those wishes we’ll make on these stars, it’ll still be here even after billions of years.”

He turns to look at you, your eyes shining brighter than the stars that hang above you, your voice sounding like music to his ears as you talk. Ah, how can he put to words how much he loves you? The you who shined brighter than anything else in his dull world. The you who brought color to his monochrome world. The you who loved him, the you who taught him what it meant to love and to love truly. The you who was his bright northern star.

As if noticing his silence, you paused and turned to look at him. You drank in the loving, gentle expression on his face like fine wine. You adored these silent moments with him as well. When you could simply be with him. Because words were cheap, fickle things that sometimes couldn’t get the job done. Because how could you describe all the feelings you had for him? Words would not do it justice, words were not enough.

What was unsaid was clear enough. Because it was in the silence where you could simply be. No words were needed and no words were required. You could gaze in his eyes and oh, how you could sift through his eyes and find the meaning of the world behind them. You could gaze in his eyes and just know what he could not let you know from words alone.

There is something deep down in your soul that stirs: something old, something new, something alien, something familiar. Some people would not find this in their lifetime. Being with him, under the gentle caress of the snow, you feel gratitude for having been able to meet him.

In any way, shape or form, you are happy to have met him.

[franeridart]

Anon said: Um so hello, I’m just here to say keep up the awesome work, I love your kiribaku art and it’s adorable and I go on binges through your blog (omg I sound so creepy I’m sorry I just love ur art so much) and it makes my day so yeah please keep drawing!

Ahhhhh you don’t sound creepy at all, don’t worry!!!!! Thank you so much for liking my stuff that much!!!!!!! <3<3

Anon said: May ask what kiri///mina would look like in your style? You don't have to draw it if you don't like the ship.

Gosh sorry but I really really don’t ship it!

Anon said: you know how I miss?? your OCs!!! they're the cutest!!

AWE thank you so much!!!!!!! I have a few comics planned for them, hope I’ll manage getting to them soon enough!!! (oT^T)9<3

Anon said: This is so sappy but some of your kiribaku posts really make me really appreciate long relationships! I’ve always found pining and crushes the cutest bc it’s full of intense feelings, but you portray being in love and accepting each other so well!! it’s amazing how you show characters interacting with each other and being so comfortable instead of worrying about hiding part of themselves and long story short I love your art and ideas so much

This ask!!!!!!!!! means the universe!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so glad I can manage portraying love in such a way, I’m so in love with the idea of open, accepting love, andI try seriously hard to make it look healthy in my comics so!!!!!!! thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no clue how many times I’ve reread this ask I’m not even exaggerating TT^TT <3

Anon said: I just want to start off by saying you’re my favourite blog on tumblr, your art is incredibly adorable and always makes my day!! I was just wondering how you were able to create your own unique art style? It’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately with my own art. Any advice is appreciated, thanks for everything you do!!

I think it’s about finding the right spot between what feels comfortable for you and the end you’re using your art for? In my case what’s comfortable is something fun and smooth, and the main end has always been to be able to draw comics - I’ve always liked comics because I like writing and I like drawing, but my attention span was too short to manage finishing them, and the way I had of drawing was too stiff to properly convey emotions the way I wanted to, which made drawing comics sound like an impossible dream haha I fixed it by simplifying my style, by taking away or reducing to the bare minimum everything that took me ages to work out/draw and pushing my expressions and body language to extremes to make up for the lack of details. 

That’s just my experience with it, though! The best advice I can give you is to sit back and look at your current way of drawing from an objective perspective - do you enjoy it? Is the process of drawing something you’re comfortable with? What’s uncomfortable in it for you, and in which ways could you change it to make it comfortable and fun? Does your current art style allow you to do what you want to do with your art? If you want to paint, does it allow you to paint in an easy and fun way? If you want to make comics, does it allow you the range to properly portray a character moving and living without making you wish you’d never started drawing halfway through it? 

Imho the first step to find a style that’s your own and feels right is to find a style that’s fun to use and doesn’t stress you to hell and back every time you pick up your pencil. This is easier to do the more things you attempt, so for a bit being inconsistent in style is a good and normal thing - try things out! The best one for you will definitely stick in the end. And if you already feel comfortable with the way you have of drawing, then hell! You already have a style that works for you! Just because to you it doesn’t look unique and special it doesn’t mean that it isn’t - if you asked me to point out what makes my style unique I wouldn’t be able to tell you either, the way I see it my style is the most uninteresting and common-looking style out there. To be honest with you that’s probably just how it is for every artist out there hahaha

Anon said: Hi!! I love your art and just want you to know I always get a big, stupid smile on my face whenever I see you cross my feed, whether it’s something new or a reblog of an old post. Everything you do is just amazing and I love it

AHHHHHHH Thank you so so much!!!!!!!!! (TT^TT)<3<3<3

Anon said: Hey Fran! First off, thank you for the Fire Force art. I remembered to actually check it out, after seeing it lol. Second, I still can't find your Fatgum 😭😭 the link didn't give any, and searching on your page didn't help either. I WILL FIND IT ONE DAY

I think it’s a problem of the app orz I can see him just find from desktop but the app can’t find him either T-T stupid app!

Anon said: Do you have a mini Bakugou and Kirishima living in your head? Are they just living their lives up in your brain and that causes your hand to to write and draw the most perfect and accurate things? Of course mini Kaminari, Sero, Mina, Jirou, etc. also come to visit your head hole from time to time and just chill with mini Baku and Kiri. That’s the only logical explanation on how all your Bakushima content is so inconceivably spot on

That’s such a kind thing of you to say, anon!!!!!! I’m glad you find them that IC!!!!!! I try my best, but sometimes I admit I just have them do and say stuff I’ve done and said myself, the only difference is that I word things in a way that feels right for their usual way of talking hahaha

Anon said: I personally would love to read your essay on why bakugo is the best character ever because I really really really want to love him that much but i feel like there's something that I'm just not getting about him- there's something I'm missing about his personality (keeping in mind that i kinda left the manga after the whole mirio/8 precepts arc). I've always found bakugo compelling and would love love love to read your take on him! Hope you have a great day!

Bakugou has had some amazing character development scenes after the overhaul arc!!!!! He’s outright shown he understands where he was lacking and where he was wrong, that he’s perfectly capable of working in a team and letting people help him and helping them in return, that he cares about his class and how the rest of the world sees them! (and that he worries/cares about how the world sees him too, actually, that broke my heart a bit ;; ) We haven’t seen him in a hot minute by now, but most of anything before the current arc has had him improve and develop and become even better than he already was -  I’ve always thought him a good guy with just a lot of troubles relating to the world around him due the way he has been brought up as special and different (it creates a drift between yourself and the rest of the world when everyone around you keeps treating you as if you were other - when you tell a kid he’s different and better for his whole life he’s bound to grow up believing it, after all), but if the problem you have with him is that he isn’t showing the good in himself plainly and obviously enough, then the arcs after the overhaul one are gonna help you like him better, definitely

Well, the thing about Bakugou is that he’s not a plain/obvious character, so you need to think about his actions and his words a bit more, and can’t just take him at face value - it’s what I like about him, actually! How much you need to think about him to figure him out on a deeper level than just the surface one. Since I dunno why you like him and why you feel something’s missing, I can’t tell you specifically what it is in the way I see him that completes him for me, but as I said I try to keep him as IC as I can so probably reading my comics about him might help you understand the way I see him. To me Bakugou’s honest, and kind, and loving, but he’s also arrogant, and angry, and used to taking some things for granted, and I like how all those things work with and against each other in his character. He’s at the same time incredibly proud and absurdly insecure, and I like that about him too - where each comes from and where and how they clash, I like the complexity it gives him. I like that he’s a people person in the sense that he likes having people around himself, and I like that at the same time UA is the first time he’s had actual, honest to god best friends, and how that means that he’s gonna be awkward when usually he’s so sure and proud simply because he isn’t used to having people he actually specifically cares for, I very much like that about him. I like that he overthinks everything he doesn’t immediately gets, I like that he still acts on instincts more often than not, I like that somehow with him those two aren’t mutually exclusive. I like that he’s smart and still so damn dumb, I like that he’s just as simple-minded as he is an actually labyrinth in thought process, I like how one-track minded he is even on the most silly things - how once he sets his eyes on a goal he goes for it like his life depends on it. I like that he’s barsh and rude and impulsive in what he says and does, but when he fucks up he knows he fucked up, and he backstracks, and he does his best to make amends. I like that he sits in stupid ways and has the worst posture in the class and then he wears his hero costume and suddenly he’s a model on the catwalk, that’s so damn endearing to me. I like how ridiculously hyperbolic he is and how he just assumes people will get it, get what he actually means, like there’s a point between his brain and his mouth were things get blown out of proportion and he doesn’t even realize it. There’s just so many things to love about him, for me!! 

But most importantly I like that he started as low as he could get and that because of it his plot is a one way towards the summit. I like it. I like watching a character grow and every new chapter become a better version of themselves, I love it. Ultimately that’s probably why he’s my favorite, after all haha

Anon said: Hi, this isn’t a question but I just wanted to say how much I love your art and the way you clearly appreciate Bakugou as a character. So many of my friends hate him, but I think he has a lot of depth and so much potential. Your art always makes me smile! Thanks for doing what you do. :)

THANK YOU and thank you for liking the boy too!!!!!!! He deserves it, he absolutely does deserve it!!!!!!! <3<3<3

Anon said: I just went digging in the archives of my blog (which is.. a mess) and found some old art of yours (like... I'm talking bokuto and kuroo level old) and g o s h. I already loved your art so much then and I still do n hhhhhhhh u go. U great.

Gosh you’ve been around a long time then!!!!! Thank you so much for sticking with me all this time!!!! ✨o(TT0TT)o✨

[asfeedin]

Mother’s Day Gift Guide | Serious Eats

Mother’s Day Gift Guide | Serious Eats

Gift Types

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Sorghum Syrup

Sorghum syrup is made from the pressed juice of sorghum grass, which grows prominently throughout the American South. This amber-colored syrup has a unique, nutty flavor that’s both sweet and savory. And since the 1960s, the Guenther family of Muddy Pond, Tennessee, has been making some of the best.

KitchenAid Pasta Attachment

This is hands down the KitchenAid attachment I use most often. It takes all of the frustration and fussiness out of making fresh pasta, and, unlike the manual alternatives out there, it’s incredibly easy and efficient to operate on your own. Hello, homemade ravioli!

Cacao Barry Extra Brute Cocoa Powder

It’s almost impossible to find good-quality Dutch cocoa in supermarkets, so make it easy for your favorite baker to whip up the best possible chocolate treats. This cocoa powder is unusually dark, with an earthy chocolate flavor for out-of-control brownies, devil’s food cake, and ice cream.

Pineapple Tumbler

Your mom might already be the ultimate entertainer, but this gift will make her parties even more fun. Sure, you can serve crushed-ice cocktails in a regular old glass, but these shiny pineapple-shaped tumblers really up the ante and make a tiki-themed evening feel special.

Sorghum’s Savor

Kentucky-based writer Ronni Lundy is an expert on the foods and foodways of the Mountain South. In her book Sorghum’s Savor, she explores the history and folklore, and the many uses, of the region’s staple sweetener. Recipes range from fried chicken to sorbet.

Durable 3-Quart Saucier

How do you make perfect caramels, ice cream, gravies, and reductions? A nifty pot called a saucier. The durable stainless steel is cladded with aluminum for even heating, essential for temperamental ingredients like caramel and egg custards. A curved bottom makes whisking a snap (no more lumpy gravy!), and the wide top encourages evaporation for fast sauce reductions. You can buy cheaper versions than this All-Clad saucier, but this is one piece of equipment in which quality really makes a difference.

Le Creuset Wooden Scraping Spoon

I have a problem with wooden spoons. I collect them like nobody’s business. But there are a few I always turn back to, and this one, from Le Creuset, is one of them. It’s gorgeous to look at; it has a flat front, which makes it great for scraping up fond or stirring vegetables; and it’s got a smooth, ergonomic grip that makes using it a joy.

OXO Pop Containers

Not all containers are built the same. OXO’s Pop Containers stack neatly in the cabinet, make it easy to see exactly what’s inside, and have a neat push-button top that forms a perfectly airtight seal, keeping your dry pantry goods fresher for longer.

Colorful Tea Towels

Heavy-duty kitchen towels have a tendency to accrue big, ugly stains. That’s why it’s nice to keep a separate set of more attractive towels for gentle drying, transporting too-hot-to-handle serving dishes, and lining bread baskets. These colorful, summery tea towels instantly brighten any kitchen or tabletop, while still doing a stand-up job at the tasks they were made for.

Terra Cotta Cazuela

Daniel’s owned these terra cotta dishes in several sizes for many years now. They’re attractive enough to go straight from the oven to the table, and versatile enough to be used as baking dishes for cooked foods or as serving dishes for snacks when you’re hosting guests.

Hawker Fare: Stories & Recipes from a Refugee Chef’s Isan Thai & Lao Roots

Hawker Fare is a wonderful introduction to some of the flavors that make Isan and Lao cuisines unique. The recipes are excellent, but what we find so compelling about the book is Syhabout’s story: a refugee who arrived with his family in the United States at the age of two, Syhabout went on to pursue a career in fine-dining. Only after establishing himself did he embark on a personal journey of discovery to find out more about the food of his forebears.

Bangkok: Recipes and Stories from the Heart of Thailand

Bangkok is a great gift for anyone who loves cooking Thai food at home and wants to expand their culinary repertoire. It’s a steal for the noodle soups alone, but we particularly enjoy Punyaratabandhu’s seafood recipes, like the pan-fried salted king mackerel steak.

Unicorn Magnum Pepper Mill

I’ll admit it: I’m a pepper mill snob. I need my mill to produce a shower of evenly crushed peppercorns. I want to be able to control the size of those grains, from a rough crush to a fine powder. Not only that, I want my pepper mill to last. With a solid metal burr and a unique easy-to-load design, this is my favorite pepper mill of all time.

The Noma Guide to Fermentation

The hottest new nerdy book of kitchen geekery has to be The Noma Guide to Fermentation by Rene Redzepi and David Zilber. If you know someone who’s mixed koji up with dried fish to make a kind of fish sauce, this is the book for them. Also a good gift for anyone who’s into drying meats or pickling—it details methods and processes that take those hobbies a step further.

Pretty Pinch Bowls

These colorful bowls make setting up your mise en place a little more fun, but they’re also great for bringing extra seasonings to the table, like fennel seeds and pepper flakes for pizza.

OXO Stainless Steel Scraper

A good bench scraper is one of those tools people don’t think they need until they start using it. I use it for everything from transferring chopped vegetables or herbs from one place to another, to portioning dough, to giving my cutting board a quick clean. Next to my chef’s knife, the bench scraper is the tool you’ll see in my hand most often.

Smuggler’s Cove

This remarkable book, from Martin and Rebecca Cate of San Francisco’s Smuggler’s Cove, traces the birth and evolution of exotic drinks and tiki bars—bars that embodied an American escapist fantasy. A lively exploration of our country’s drinking history (and the current tiki scene), it’s essential reading for rum lovers, offering the best categorization we’ve encountered of the head-spinningly diverse spirit. The mai tai recipe is great, too.

Digital Electric Gooseneck Kettle

This is the electric kettle of my coffee-delayed dreams. It has an elegant gooseneck spout that makes pouring a thin, controlled stream easy (very helpful for Chemex and other pourover coffee methods), and a base with controls that allow you to set a specific temperature and hold it there.

Citrus Press

For years, I thought citrus presses were overhyped, absurdly specific, rarely useful, space-consuming, money-wasting gadgets. But it took only one use to see just how wrong I’d been—not only does a citrus press guarantee that you’ll get way more juice out of every lemon and lime you squeeze, but you can say good-bye to stinging papercuts and all those infuriating attempts at pinching slippery stray seeds from your salad dressings and cocktails.

Zingerman’s Gift Certificate

It’s hard to find a better-curated food catalog than Zingerman’s. They are righteous folks, they know seriously delicious food when they come across it, and they sell it at a fair price. Nothing in the catalog is cheap, but then again, good food rarely is. So whether you order cheese or olive oil or bread from Zingerman’s, you can be confident you’re going to be very happy when it arrives at your house.

Dish Towel and Apron in One

Kitchen towels are always welcome in any cook’s kitchen, but these can also double up as a half-apron in a pinch. Plus, they’re of a nice enough quality to show Mom that she didn’t just raise a practical child; she also raised one with an eye for flair.

Cast Iron Skillet

Old cast iron has a perfectly smooth nonstick surface that’s surprisingly easy to maintain. You can sear, bake, roast, braise, stew, and deep-fry in it, and there’s nothing more thoughtful than a gift that you have to expend a bit of effort to find (check out eBay, yard sales, and flea markets). Of course, these modern Lodge pans will do in a pinch if vintage isn’t in the cards.

Tajine

I’ve been lusting after one of these hand-painted ceramic tajines since seeing one in a cookware store a couple years ago. They require some special care, and possibly a heat diffuser to prevent cracking from intense direct heat, but I think they’re worth it just to look at, even if you never cook in them. If you do, a future of flavorful North African stews, presented beautifully at the table, awaits. They also come in a variety of designs and colors, meaning there’s the perfect pick for any home.

Uuni 2S Pizza Oven

There are a lot of custom-designed pizza ovens out there in various price ranges. I haven’t tested all of them, but my favorite so far is the Uuni 2S. It consists of a small stainless steel box with a pizza stone set inside it. You load up a hopper on the rear of the unit with wood pellets, light it up with a torch or lighter fluid, and let it preheat. About 15 minutes later, you’re ready to cook. This little powerhouse hits temperatures in excess of 900°F and bakes up Neapolitan-sized pizzas in just 60 to 90 seconds.

Elizabeth David on Vegetables

Published on what would have been the late British author’s 100th birthday, Elizabeth David’s On Vegetables will teach you how a bag of grocery store onions can be transformed into an unforgettable roasted side dish, and how some fresh shelled peas can yield the most vibrant soup you’ve ever tasted. Filled with recipes that are simple, straightforward, yet often revelatory, this book also features a few of David’s best essays, as well as gorgeous photography.

Paring Knife

Paring knives don’t need to cost a lot to do their job—questions of balance and build quality matter less in a knife that fits almost entirely in the palm of your hand. Of all the ones I tested, this inexpensive blade from Wüsthof came out on top, with a razor-sharp edge and comfortable grip. This is my new go-to paring knife, and I already have several of them at work and home.

Chinese Tea Set With Gaiwan

Do you know someone who’s getting into tea? Like, really into tea? This is the tea set to get for that person. It comes with a traditional Chinese brewing vessel (a gaiwan), a decanter, four tasting cups, and a beautiful wood tea tray with a rack to store all the pieces. At $120, it’s not cheap, but it’s a bargain compared to other well-made tea sets, especially when you consider the high-quality, paper-thin porcelain. For tea lovers looking to dig into tea ceremonies, this set has everything you need.

Presto Tilt-N-Fold Griddle

Presto’s Tilt-n-Fold model is very simple to set up and operate, and it has a compact design that makes it easy to store in kitchen cabinets when not in use. It has a large, smooth, nonstick cooking surface that heats mostly evenly, can be set at an angle to drain grease, and is easy to clean. We love the price, too.

Awesome Chef’s Knife

High-quality Swedish steel and Japanese design, along with great features like a perfectly balanced handle and blade and an ergonomic bolster, make the Misono UX10 Santoku the most-used knife in my arsenal.

Black Matte Dinner Plates

Get these if you want to up your Instagram game! These are the plates we use the most in our photo shoots—the matte texture makes a great surface on which to make any food pop.

Redbreast 15-Year Irish Whiskey

For those who find Scotch too smoky, bourbon too sweet, and rye too spicy, Irish whiskey is the ideal gift. Redbreast emerges from the barrels complex and substantial; some of the whiskey is aged in sherry casks, lending it a weight and dark hue, while some is aged in bourbon casks, imparting characteristic vanilla flavors. There’s a hint of fruit up front and spice on the finish.

Mandoline Slicer

Does your mom love to make fancy salads, crowned with delicate ribbons of carrots? Is she obsessed with serving the perfect potato gratin at holidays meals? There are some kitchen tools that make the difference between amateur-looking food and pro-level stuff. A small mandoline is one of them. This one, from Oxo, is compact, easy to use, and very sharp. It only has three thickness settings, but in my experience, that more than covers most home slicing needs.

Otherland Candle

This handpoured soy-wax candle will look beautiful on your kitchen table— and the scent of Champagne, saffron, and leather, is just fragrant enough to offset any accidental burnt foods that no one needs to know about. Plus, the packaging, which comes with a customizable matchbox makes the candle an impressive (and affordable) gift.

Embossed Rolling Pin

For the baker who has it all, embossed rolling pins can make even the most traditional shortbread seem exciting again. I love this large, open paisley pattern so much, I used it for the cookies on the cover of my book! Its design works well with many styles of dough, so it’s a great starting point before you experiment with pins that have a more intricate pattern.

Recipe Journal

Trying to get your mom to finally write down all those family recipes? This sleek Moleskin journal will get her organized and become a precious family heirloom in the process.

Salt Cellar

Proper seasoning is one of the most important parts of cooking, and if you’re still using plain table salt from (heaven forbid!) a saltshaker, you’re shooting yourself in the food. Using kosher salt from a salt cellar lets you feel exactly how much salt is getting into your food, whether it’s a tiny pinch or a big ol’ wallop.

Liquid Intelligence

Dave Arnold (you might know of his bar, Booker and Dax in NYC) won’t just accept the common assumptions about cocktail technique—his mission in this excellent book is to dig into the science of how the very best drinks are made. This is a must-read for inquisitive types who like to host cocktail hour at home.

Round Griddle

My mom’s signature dish is her homemade lefse, a Norwegian potato flatbread, rolled gauze-thin and cooked on a round griddle at a blazing hot heat. Her old one has finally crapped out after many years of service, and I want to treat her to the best model on the market. If you’re not into the Scandi thing, you can use this griddle to make crepes, injera, or regular old pancakes.

Electric Countertop Pressure Cooker

A pressure cooker is a cooking vessel that just keeps on giving: Once you discover the time-saving feats it’s capable of, you’ll never look back. The good ones aren’t cheap, but man, is it ever worth having one. A countertop electric model gives you set-it-and-forget-it convenience. With the Breville Fast Slow Pro Cooker, not only do you have complete control over your pressure cooking (including any pressure level from 1.5 to 12 psi), you also have a slow cooker and a rice cooker built right in. It’ll even sear meat for stews.

The Apprentice

Insightful (and very well-written) memoir by the elder statesman of food and cooking in the United States. From his early memories of picking salad for his mother to his recollection of eating raw clams on a Connecticut pier, the book shows how food is not just a passion or a career; food, for Jacques Pépin, is life.

Rose and Orange Flower Water

Forget flowers, they’ll be dead by the end of the week, but these flower waters will last a lifetime. Mostly. Both rose and orange flower water will last just about forever on the shelf, and just a drop or two is all that’s needed to give any recipe an aromatic boost. Try a splash of rose water with a strawberry or rhubarb dessert, or orange flower water in a classic New York cheesecake, where their gentle perfume can work wonders.

Louie Mueller’s Beef and Jalapeño Sausages

When I had these Texas beef sausages delivered to Serious Eats World Headquarters, people were skeptical. The moment they took their first bite of these supremely juicy links, though, the office became totally silent. Louie Mueller’s beef and jalapeño sausages reduced the entire office to stunned, rapturous silence. And these suckers are so affordable, even with the shipping, that they’re perfect for serving at parties. You just might want to hand out bibs to protect everyone’s shirts. Phone orders only: 512-352-6206.

Meat Cleaver

This meat cleaver has a well-balanced weight, sharp edge, and solid construction—a boon since a lot of more-affordable cleavers like this one feel very cheap and after repeat use get wobbly around the handle.

Marble and Acacia Wood Cake Stand

Like a pretty Bundt pan, a beautiful cake stand has an aesthetic value of its own, even without a cake—but present it with Mom’s favorite cake on top, and it will also be a nice reminder of the day.

Meathead: The Science of Great Barbecue and Grilling

In this book, Meathead Goldwyn, the founder of AmazingRibs.com, distills decades of research on the art and science of barbecue and grilling into a single volume that shows not just the best ways to take food to live fire, but why the techniques work. Far more than a recipe book alone (though there are tons of bulletproof recipes), this text will teach your favorite barbecue lover the hard-tested fundamentals of outdoor cooking, giving them the confidence to cook anything, even without a recipe. The myth-busting and equipment tips alone were enough to get me hooked.

Lewis Bag

If you’re following my advice to buy your Mom some julep cups, you might as well go all the way and grab a canvas Lewis bag as well: It’s used to smash ice into a fine powder with a mallet. Unless, of course, she already owns an ice crusher.

Preserving the Japanese Way

If her first two books are any indication, Nancy Singleton Hachisu is poised to become the Julia Child of traditional Japanese home cooking. In this, her second book, she tackles the deeply fascinating—and even more delicious—world of Japanese preserving. From easy pickles made by packing foods in miso (kabocha squash! eggs! apple pears!) to homemade miso, salt-rubbed vegetables, and air-dried fish, this should be the next frontier in all your home preservation undertakings. I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

Fixed-Cup Spice Grinder

The sleek and minimalist design of the Krups means it’s easy to hold, handle, and store—perfect for anyone tight on space. Even without a removable bowl, cleanup is a cinch because spices never get trapped beneath the blade, and there are no unnecessary ridges or notches to clog with spices. The one-touch operation makes it easy to use, and it quickly yields a fine and consistent grind in both large, tough spices and smaller seeds.

Taketsuru Pure Malt Japanese Whisky

Anyone who appreciates Scotch (or good spirits in general) will embrace Nikka’s exquisite whiskies. The Taketsuru Pure Malt is named for the company’s founder, who studied in Scotland before bringing whisky distilling back to Japan. This bottling has a slight fruity character, with lingering sherry on the finish.

ThermoWorks Thermapen

The Cadillac of kitchen thermometers is indispensable when you’re roasting meat, cooking steaks, making candy, deep-frying, or carrying out any other task where precise temperature control is needed. It’s got a big display and a blazing-fast measuring time of under two seconds—you won’t find a better, easier-to-use thermometer out there.

Simple Coffee Maker

The Bonavita is one of the faster models we tested, and it earned high scores in nearly all of our tastings. A single switch governs all of its operations, making the brewing process incredibly simple.

Fancy Cheese Knives

Spending $50 on cheese knives feels a little silly, especially when a regular knife does the trick just fine. But that’s why they’re the perfect gift—arguably unnecessary, but nonetheless useful, they feel like a real luxury. I’m pretty sure they also raise your “real adult” status by at least 10 points. Especially when they’re these beautifully crafted Dubost Laguiole knives. I like the simplicity of the olivewood handles, but they do come in other colors and styles, with the same high-quality blades.

Be Your Own Bartender

This is a fun, interactive book featuring over a dozen flowcharts to guide you to the perfect drink for every mood and occasion.

BraveTart: Iconic American Desserts

Where pastry wizard Stella Parks goes deep on science for Serious Eats, her book BraveTart explores the secret history of iconic American desserts, along with updated recipes for all the classics you know and love. The perfect cookbook for any mom with a sweet tooth.

Wooden Pizza Peel for Launching Pizzas

Wooden peels absorb excess moisture and have a rougher surface than metal, which means that your stretched and topped pizza dough will remain loose and easy to launch far longer, saving you from potential pizza-spilled-all-over-the-oven accidents. Though there are cheaper options around, I love my Perfect Peel Baker’s Board, handcrafted to last a lifetime from gorgeous solid cherrywood. They’ll even put initials or a logo on it if you’d like!

Breville Espresso Machine

If you want to start making legit espresso at home, this machine from Breville is a great investment. We like that it has a built-in burr grinder that will stay set at whatever dosage you’ve decided is best for your shot, as well as an adjustable pre-infusion time. Getting the hang of it—and dialing in—takes a while, but ultimately, the results are impressive.

ThermoWorks ThermoPop

In the inexpensive-thermometer department, the ThermoPop comes in an impressive package. An easy-to-read display rotates at the touch of a button, so you don’t have to twist your head to read it. It takes a few seconds longer to read temperatures than its big brother, the Thermapen, but it’s every bit as accurate.

Korean Fermenter Crock

These fermentation crocks come in a variety of shapes and sizes, but they all have the same smart design: An inner lid can be pressed down against the surface of the brine, ensuring the vegetables remain submerged (and thus don’t rot), while the lids lock into place to keep bugs out.

Carbon Steel Omelette Pan

A good carbon steel has many of the qualities that make cast iron great—it’s durable, it forms a completely nonstick surface if cared for properly, and it’s inexpensive—but it’s lighter and easier to maneuver, making it great for sautéing and searing everyday foods.

GelPro Floor Mat

If you love to cook and host parties, you’ll know that a lot of prep time is spent on your feet. Why not make at least the cooking part a bit more comfortable with one of these gel mats? It’ll provide some nice cushion under your feet, so when it’s time to put on your party shoes, you’ll be ready.

Snowe Flatware

Functional, but with an elegant twist: The width of the forks and spoons is just slightly smaller than that of your standard set, and they feel slightly longer in the hand. This set is a good and long-lasting upgrade to those starter Ikea sets.

Anova Precision Cooker

Sous vide cooking—cooking foods in vacuum-sealed pouches in precisely controlled water baths—is no longer the exclusive preserve of fancy restaurant kitchens. The Anova Precision Cooker is the best home water bath controller on the market, with an easy-to-use interface, Bluetooth support, rock-solid construction, a sleek look, and an affordable price tag to boot.

Recchiuti’s Chocolate Mendiants

These thin chocolate disks have a creamy, melt-in-your-mouth texture and a complex, pleasantly fruity bitterness. But it’s the scattered cacao nibs on top that take them from memorable to exceptional. The crunchy bits of bean are toasty and flavorful in their own right, but Recchiuti goes the extra mile, tossing them in caramel and fleur de sel for a brightly salty-sweet finish that electrifies each bite.

All-Clad Two-Quart Saucepan

This small 2-quart saucepan is perfect for making and warming sauces, cooking small portions of grain, and heating liquids.

Brooklyn Bartender

If you know someone who has a taste for a well-made cocktail, but lives far from the heart of the Brooklyn drinking scene, this book is the perfect gift. It features 300 innovative and classic drink recipes from the best bars of the borough; every cocktail we’ve tried from it so far has been killer. The drinks Carey Jones has selected aren’t dumbed down at all, but, for the most part, you’re not looking at mile-long ingredient lists, either.

Charcuterie

Ruhlman and Polcyn do a great job of demystifying one of the more abstruse cooking arts, and, while charcuterie may seem daunting, it can be gratifyingly easy. Start simple, with the pancetta, confit, rillettes, and duck prosciutto, and you’ll find yourself with a mold-inoculated curing chamber in no time.

Bourbon-Soaked Cherries

An ideal gift for any Manhattan, cherry, or all-around whiskey lover. These cherries trade the cloying sweetness of maraschinos for the boozy bass notes of great whiskey. Use them in your go-to whiskey cocktail, or to top a favorite dessert.

An Everlasting Meal

We don’t know if there’s a book about cooking that we’ve thought about more than this one by Tamar Adler, a former Chez Panisse cook who was once an editor at Harper’s Magazine. It’s about cooking simply, and enjoying the simple meals that naturally follow from thinking about your ingredients in cycles. We forget, sometimes, that the leftover stems from blanched broccoli are wonderful cooked with olive oil and piled on toast; that their cooking liquid could be the base of a soup; that the stems of greens like Swiss chard and kale make a lovely pesto. She reminds us that stale bread can make something delicious and that yesterday’s bean broth could be the start of a pasta dish today. This book sends the valuable message that dinner doesn’t always need to be a big deal.

Paleta Iberico de Bellota

The best ham on earth doesn’t come cheap, but this is the caviar of pork: jamón ibérico puro de bellota, from purebred Ibérico pigs raised on acorns for a ham that’s nutty and sweet, with meltingly soft fat.

Dansk Kobenstyle 2-Quart Casserole

A few months back, Kristina’s mom stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted a pair of Dansk Kobenstyle pots in the window of a cookware store in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. “Can you imagine doing a fondue party out of one of those?” she squealed. If there’s one thing Kristina’s mom loves, it’s a themed party, especially one with cheese involved. And Kristina has to agree that these little guys are perfect for all your entertaining needs—they look great on a table, and the lid doubles as a trivet to protect surfaces while you’re serving.

Metal Pizza Peel for Retrieving Pizzas

Wooden pizza peels are too thick to easily slide under a pie once it’s hit the oven. For that, you’ll want a thin-bladed metal peel. Basic models made of thin-gauge aluminum, like this Kitchen Supply peel, are just fine for the occasional baker, but they’ll bend and warp eventually. If you’re going to be making pizza multiple times a year for many years to come, you might want to spring for something a little more heavy-duty. I use the KettlePizza Pro Peel, which has a thick-gauge aluminum body that extends fully past the solid teakwood handle.

Pistachio Spread

Since first getting his hands on a jar of this pistachio spread, Sasha hasn’t shut up about it. Made from Sicilian pistachios, olive oil, sugar, and sea salt, it’s sweet, slightly salty, incredibly creamy, and just flat-out delicious. While it’s not cheap, this is one of those specialty products that are actually worth the price tag, and it makes a great gift. Spread it on bread, drizzle it over ice cream, or just eat it by the spoonful straight from the jar.

Smeg Toaster

After years of putting up with a cheap toaster that I picked up at the supermarket, I recently upgraded to this super fancy Italian job in cool mint. It’s sleek design and soothing pastel color transform the kitchen’s most boring appliance into a statement piece, and it really does a good job with the toast itself. Plus, I mean, it’s really dang pretty. If nothing else, you owe it to yourself to read this toaster’s priceless reviews.

Frankies 457 Olive Oil

Fancy olive oil always makes a good gift, but there’s a difference between fancy olive oil and good fancy olive oil. The house oil from Frankies 457 Sputino in Brooklyn is delicious (i.e. great on fresh bread and in dishes), is DOC cerified, and comes in a chic tin that prevents the light from spoiling the product.

Vietnamese Food Any Day

An eloquent ambassador for Vietnamese cuisine whose recipes are always reliable, Andrea Nguyen is one of our favorite cookbook authors. Vietnamese Food Any Day educates the reader about a variety of Vietnamese techniques and provides recipes that are eminently cookable—part of Nguyen’s goal with this book was to avoid calling for any esoteric or hard-to-find ingredients, so each and every recipe can be made with items that are easily found at a large grocery store.

Pretty Carving Board

What’s the point of perfectly roasting that turkey or prime rib if you don’t have a pretty surface to carve it on? I love this teak cutting board because it’s large enough for major projects, but lighter than thicker boards, making it easy to move from the kitchen to the dining room. It’s made from scraps of larger teak products, making this cutting board a good environmental choice as well.

Marble Pastry Slab

With their smooth surface and cool temperature, marble pastry slabs are a baker’s best friend. They’re great for rolling out pie crusts, laminating doughs, and tempering chocolate—plus, this one’s pretty enough (albeit heavy) to use as a serving platter.

Mortar and Pestle

A large mortar and pestle is one of the most underutilized kitchen tools. Not only is it faster than a spice grinder for small amounts of dry spices (particularly when it comes to cleaning), it draws out more flavor by crushing rather than shearing. It’s also the perfect tool for making pastes out of moist ingredients, like herbs, garlic, and shallots.

Stovetop Pressure Cooker

I tested dozens of stovetop pressure cookers before settling on Kuhn Rikon’s Duromatic. It has a heavy sandwiched-aluminum-and-steel base that gives you even heat, and a pressure gauge that makes telling exactly how much pressure has built up inside visual and intuitive.

Collapsible Freezer Lunch Bags

I don’t really consider myself a lunch-bag person, but when I have something cold to transport, there’s only one carrying case I reach for. These PackIt cooler bags come in a variety of sizes and styles, and all of them can be collapsed and chilled in the freezer overnight to provide refrigerator-level temperatures for a 12-hour period. I use mine most for bringing beers to the park or beach, or transporting raw meat to barbecues and campsites.

Ceramic Utensil Crock

To store tools like spatulas and whisks, a good old-fashioned crock will do the trick. We like this ceramic one, which looks extra pretty on the counter. Keep it right next to your stove so your most-used tools will be at an arm’s length whenever you need them.

Now & Again: Go-To Recipes, Inspired Menus + Endless Ideas for Reinventing Leftovers

This cookbook by Julia Turshen, author of Small Victories and Feed the Resistance, is full of simple, delicious meals for everyday eating, parties, and holidays. Better yet, each one includes a bunch of suggestions for how to remake it as leftovers. It’s a trove of great, creative ideas, and a must for any bookworm.

Wine Tote

This customizable (and monogrammable!) tote plus a bottle of Sancerre will make any wine drinker’s day.

Donabe Cookbook

This cookbook has been my guide to learning how to use my donabe cooker, and thus far it hasn’t let me down. It offers a wide range of recipes to help give you an idea of just how many one-pot dishes can be made using a donabe, plus background on the history and variety of donabe cookers.

Miracle-Gro Twelve Indoor Growing System

After previously lauding Aerogardens for how easy they make it to grow herbs at home (and how having a constant supply of fresh herbs has changed her cooking), Ariel’s upgraded to this larger system from Miracle-Gro. The increased size—it’s about as big as a side table—and bright lights allow you to grow a bounty of lettuces, herbs, and other greens, and you can program the app to turn the lights off and on according to your schedule. An expensive but excellent gift for anyone who loves fresh produce and fears their own black thumbs.

Granite Mortar and Pestle

With both parts made of rock-solid granite, the Thai mortar and pestle is (literally) a heavy hitter, and arguably the most versatile type of large mortar and pestle you can own. Its heft and weight, especially when combined with the stone-on-stone action that the all-granite build provides, make it ideal for one of its intended uses: making a Thai curry paste.

Baratza Virtuoso Coffee Grinder

Baratza’s Virtuoso coffee grinder is routinely picked by pros as the home grinder to beat and for good reason: Its well-made conical burrs produce a wide range of grind sizes, the results are consistent, the machine is solidly built from both metal and plastic, and it’s all backed up by good customer service.

Le Creuset Stoneware Rectangular Dish

When fall and winter roll around, I start thinking about rich, comforting casseroles, which means that these stoneware baking dishes get pulled out, filled, and popped into the oven at least once a week. They’re great-looking on the table and provide gentle, even cooking all around for really nice, crisp edges on your lasagna.

Acaia Pearl Coffee Scale

Coffee geeks will have a lot of fun with this coffee scale. It pairs with a smartphone through Bluetooth, and an accompanying app helps walk you through the brewing processes, like pourover and French press, calculating bean-to-water ratios and brew times. It can handle customization, so with each successive batch, you can really dial in on the variables to make the cup that tastes best to you. It can also be used as a basic kitchen scale with a maximum weight of two kilograms (about four and a half pounds), so it’s versatile beyond its primary purpose.

Messermeister Knife Case

Most professional cooks own a knife bag so they can tote their knives around from one job to another. But knife bags can be really useful storage options, as well. They’re compact, they can hold many knives, and they can be moved around as needed, which means you don’t necessarily need to have a dedicated knife drawer as long as you can find somewhere safe to stash your knives.

World’s Fair Barbecue Rub

Ariel discovered this spice mix 11 years ago, and it’s still one of her favorite things to give as a gift. It’s a perfect blend of everyday ingredients (shallots, garlic, paprika, and sea salt), but with unusual flavor notes from grains of paradise. She buys it by the pound to dump on meat, seafood, and even eggs, but you can start by picking it up a reasonably sized jar or bag.

The One-Bottle Cocktail

Organized by spirit—vodka, gin, agave, rum, brandy, and whiskey—with an additional section devoted to specific seasons and occasions, The One-Bottle Cocktail makes it easy to figure out how to polish off that lingering liter of rum and is guaranteed to expand your cocktail repertoire for your go-to bottle. It does so by forging surprising, nuanced, eminently sippable flavors from commonplace liquors and fresh fruits, herbs, and other seasonal ingredients, as well as vinegars, spices, and sodas. This is the kind of book that every home cocktail-maker should keep on their shelf.

Big Ice Cube Tray

If you like your whiskey with a giant ice cube, then you’ll really be into Mammoth Cubes—unlike ice cube trays from current competitor brands, these make eight cubes (not six) and are actually stackable, so they don’t require a section unto themselves in your freezer.

Joe Beef: Surviving the Apocalypse

This is a book for people who like to live extra large, and by that we mean people who are intrigued enough by the microwaved foie gras recipe to consider trying it some day. It’s a text that espouses an eating- and cooking-philosophy as much as it is a collection of recipes.

Small Baking Steel Griddle

These days, I keep this solid slab of steel permanently atop one of the burners of my stove. One side has a pebbled surface—ideal for getting extra-crisp, better-than-a-baking-stone crust on homemade pizzas. And, unlike a baking stone, this thing is going to last forever. The griddle arrives as shiny steel, but with just a few uses, it seasons up into a dark, slick nonstick surface that can be used for everything from pancakes to eggs to hamburgers to grilled cheese.

Joule Sous Vide Circulator

The ChefSteps Joule is the smallest circulator on the market. It’s sleek, compact design fits in a drawer and it heats quickly and accurately. It has the advantage of the ChefSteps community and legacy content built into its app, though its one downside is that it requires a smartphone or tablet along with a registered account to operate.

Buvette

Manhattan chef Jody Williams’s Buvette: The Pleasure of Good Food is as charming and inviting as the restaurant that inspired it. This is a book to get greasy and damp as you cook through its pages, and it’s a nightstand read, dreamy and warm, to flip through as you wind down. Channeling a traditional French bistro, with a bit of Italy and a touch of New York thrown in, the recipes are classics, both inspirational and totally doable. Some are so simple that they hardly count as recipes at all—they’re more like suggestions for how to better your day with a plate of food, from breakfast through dessert after a lingering, late-night supper. Perfect for your impossibly, effortlessly stylish friend.

Culinary Coloring Book

I’ve long been a fan of Jessie Kanelos Weiner’s vivid and imaginative watercolors—she’s done the art for several of our stories. But when Weiner released Edible Paradise: An Adult Coloring Book of Seasonal Fruits and Vegetables, I discovered a new affinity for her work. See, like many children, I grew up with coloring books. But, unlike most adults, I continue to buy them—and fill them—to this day. For that I can thank my mother, a licensed art therapist who has long promoted the pastime as a therapeutic outlet. Far from pushing a think-inside-the-box mentality, coloring provides a healthy space for self-expression and experimentation. And, for those who enjoy it, coloring can leave you with a profound sense of zen-like relaxation and accomplishment. Weiner’s fanciful landscapes are organized by season; they’re a riot of vegetation, edible plant life, and tantalizing market scenes. They’ll encourage your mom to paint (or pencil) the town red—in any colors she likes.

Anchovy Colatura

If you want to give the gift of umami, you owe it to your intended recipient to check out this aged Italian fish sauce. Hailing from the town of Cetara on the Amalfi Coast, colatura is made by aging anchovies and sea salt in chestnut barrels for roughly three years, producing a rich, deeply savory fish sauce that can be used as a flavor enhancer for meats, fish, or vegetables. Or, try it as the star of the show in spaghetti con la colatura.

Noodle Basket

If you make a fair amount of noodle soups at home, particularly for multiple people, you should pick up a couple of these baskets. (They’re also great for blanching small quantities of vegetables.) The baskets are cheap yet sturdy, and they’re smaller than a lot of the fancier ones out there, so they’ll fit in pots that are more home kitchen–sized.

Misono UX10 Chef’s Knife

A deft and nimble blade, Misono’s UX10 is one of the lightest-weight knives we tested. It’s razor-sharp right out of the box and handled every task we threw at it with ease, dicing an onion as if it were as soft as a blob of Jell-O and making paper-thin slices of smoked salmon as if the knife were a true slicer.

R. Murphy Duxbury Oyster Knife

I’ve used many, many oyster knives in my life, and the R. Murphy Duxbury knife is my hands-down favorite. It has a fat, grippy handle that’s easy to wield, and a short blade that tapers to a point and always manages to find the sweet spot on an oyster’s hinge. Pop! The slightly sharpened blade edges make slicing through the muscle and removing the top shell as smooth as butter.

Mercer Serving Bowl

With a neutral color and simple silhouette, this serving bowl is versatile enough to complement any table setting. It’s also big enough to accommodate a big salad or crowd-sized portion of stew.

Zahav: A World of Israeli Cooking

I’ve never been to Zahav, the Philadelphia restaurant where Michael Solomonov serves his Israeli cuisine, but its namesake book has nevertheless changed the way I cook. His recipe for tahini sauce, which includes a novel technique for incorporating garlic and lemon, is alone worth the price of admission. I’ve loved the Yemenite beef soup (and the accompanying hot sauce), his wide focus on vegetarian-friendly dishes, and a host of homemade condiments that will elevate almost any meal, even if you don’t follow full recipes from the book.

Diaspora Co. Turmeric

This turmeric is as bright as a bar of gold, with a lovely, sleek label to match. Apart from the high-quality turmeric and nice packaging, the spice comes with a feel-good story: Diaspora Co. is run by queer women of color, and each jar purchased puts a much-higher-than-average amount of money back into the turmeric farmer’s hands.

Provisions: The Roots of Caribbean Cooking

Hoping to familiarize yourself with Jamaican food beyond jerk chicken and curried goat? Want to learn more about the evolution of Caribbean cuisine? Provisions: The Roots of Caribbean Cooking is the book for you. Suzanne and Michelle Rousseau share 150 bright and exciting vegetarian recipes inspired by the women who first taught the two sisters to cook. The recipes are accompanied by gorgeous photos, and a thorough history of Caribbean foodways. It’s an inspiring—and delicious—ode to the women who make Caribbean food great.

Fancy Glass Pitcher

I actually received this classic Waterford pitcher as a wedding gift, and my mom’s been eyeing it enviously ever since. I can’t say I blame her—it’s become a workhorse in my home. When I’m not using it to decant wine, it’s hard at work serving cocktails, ice water, and juices. And in between any special occasion, you can drop in some fresh flowers and use it as a vase.

D’Artagnan Porcelet Shoulder

It can be hard to find skin-on, bone-in pork shoulders for roasting, but luckily D’Artagnan has got us all covered with their fantastic porcelet shoulder. We think everyone should ditch the tired holiday spiral ham this year, and slow-roast a milk-fed piglet shoulder instead. We promise it won’t disappoint.

Season: Big Flavors, Beautiful Food

Beautiful photos accompany Nik Sharma’s impressive recipes. The best of the bunch embody the kind of inventive cuisine that draws from multiple cultures to produce dishes that can only be described as emphatically, joyously American, like the roasted carrots with sesame, caraway, chili, and nori. Great for cooks looking for inspiration yet still hopelessly devoted to classic, comforting dishes.

Staub Heritage Baking Dish

It can be easy to brush off appearances as unimportant, but tableside presentation is a big part of a baking dish’s appeal. If you want excellent performance combined with a handsome and classic design that will look great on your holiday table (or on your Instagram account), Staub is your best bet. This heavyweight dish heats evenly in the oven at temperatures up to 575°F (300°C) and has great heat retention, keeping food hotter longer when you’re serving. The generous four-quart capacity is ideal for large roasts and extra-deep casseroles.

Pedra Artisan Oval Platter

A large platter is a must-have for any household, especially during the holiday season. This oval platter has high enough sides to accommodate saucier dishes, while the gray-and-white hand-glazed finish gives it a one-of-a-kind feel.

Chocolate-Hazelnut Spread

Marco Colzani is a great Italian bean-to-bar chocolate maker, with a number of excellent products under his brand, Amaro. But it’s his spreads that have Ed addicted, particularly the Cacao Nocciole, or hazelnut-and-chocolate variety. Imagine a Nutella-like substance, but made with the freshest roasted hazelnuts and extra-chocolaty high-quality cocoa powder. It’s a lot to pay for a small jar, but my guess is that your mom is worth it, and more.

Wusthof Classic Chef’s Knife

If you’re dead set on a traditional German knife profile—characterized by a more curved blade that’s bigger and heavier than the Japanese options—the Wüsthof Classic continues to be a stalwart. It weighs more than most of the other knives tested, giving it a solid and sturdy feel, but it still handles well and has a sharp edge.

Wine Fridge

Take it from us: Living in hot urban apartments makes storing age-worthy wines nearly impossible, unless you don’t mind risking the life of a pricey Burgundy by putting it through years of extreme temperature swings. Anyone with an interest in building even a modest collection of special-occasion bottles should get a wine fridge. It’s a small investment that protects your real investment.

The Cooking Gene: A Journey Through African American Culinary History in the Old South

A wonderful gift for anyone who is interested in history, food, the history of food, and this terribly flawed but nonetheless beautiful thing we call America.

Plenty More

Plenty More highlights the versatility of vegetables with 120 inventive plant-based recipes. It takes a degree of commitment to cook through this book—many, though not all, of Ottolenghi’s recipes require extra time spent sourcing unusual ingredients or toiling in the kitchen—but the reward is food that is enigmatic and downright dazzling. The ideal gift for anyone who thinks vegetables are boring, and for those who know they’re not.

Chetna’s Healthy Indian

Chetna’s Healthy Indian is a bright, colorful ode to Indian home cooking. Written by Chetna Makan, an avid home cook and semifinalist on The Great British Baking Show, it offers an array of quick, wonderfully flavorful recipes. From a simple green bean, coconut, and tamarind salad to fish wrapped in floral banana leaf, this cookbook has something for everyone.

Jerusalem

One of the best cookbook gateways into Middle Eastern cuisine—an obsessive and personalized exploration of the many cultures and traditions that make up Jerusalem’s culinary world. What will you find here? A recipe for the best hummus of your life, for starters; messy-beautiful dips and salads; and the delicately spiced soups, grains, and vegetables Yotam Ottolenghi has become famous for.

Julep Cups

I don’t often recommend single-function items, but for the cocktail enthusiast, a couple of julep cups really are fun to have. There’s nothing like holding that metal cup frosted with ice on a blisteringly hot summer day—glass just doesn’t pull the effect off in the same way. If your Mom doesn’t have an ice crusher, check out my Lewis bag suggestion as well.

Serving bowl

There’s no such thing as too many serving bowls, and this simple two-tone piece goes with virtually everything. At 11.5 inches across, it’s the perfect size for mom’s favorite side dishes; in my house, it’s go-to for salads, roasted vegetables, mashed potatoes, and pasta.

Nordic Ware Platinum Collection Heritage Bundt Pan

A Bundt pan is essentially a functional sculpture that can spruce up an open kitchen shelf quite nicely, even if it never gets any use. Give one to the baker (or bakeware admirer) in your life, and, as long as you promise shared cake, I’m sure you’ll be allowed to borrow it any time.

Fish Scaler

A hefty weight and a narrow head design make this an extremely efficient fish scaler. I’ve used it on smallish porgies, bigger black sea bass and fluke, and just about everything in between. It’s a significant improvement over the clamshell I used to use, and something about its design reduces the spray of scales.

Donabe Cooker

I got one of these traditional Japanese clay pots for my birthday this year, and it’s quickly become an obsession. Not only can you cook perfect plain rice in it every time, it doubles as a vessel for flavorful one-pot stews and hot pots, and an infinite variety of noodle and rice dishes. Anyone interested in Japanese home cooking should have one.

All-Clad Immersion Blender

A high-speed hand blender is great for whipping up silky soups and purées, making emulsions like mayonnaise and Hollandaise, or smoothing out sauces, all right in the pot. No need to dirty up an extra blender jar!

Vacuum Sealer

Know someone who’s interested in sous vide cooking? They’re gonna want this. And it’s handy for way more than just sous vide cooking. A vacuum sealer makes it really easy to save meats or other foods in the freezer, and it keeps air (read: freezer burn) off it all. The Oliso sealer uses a unique resealable-bag system, which means far less wasted plastic than a conventional cut-and-seal vacuum sealer.

An Amazing Bottle of Rum

Drinking Diplomático Reserva Exclusiva Rum—with its dark caramel and vanilla on first whiff, and its rich and velvety-smooth feel as you sip—is like drinking a crème brûlée, but with a long, dry finish. Add an ice cube if you must, but it’s really worth it to give it a try without first.

All About Braising

Winter is all about slow-cooked braised dishes, and Molly Stevens’s text is the bible on the subject. Stevens first devotes dozens of pages to discussing the equipment and technique behind braising in incredible detail. Then she provides unfussy but impressive-sounding recipes to make the most of your newfound braising skills. A little hint: The vegetable recipes are some of the best.

Flavor King Pluot Jam

There are a lot of artisanal jams out there, some good and some grossly overpriced. Though I’ve tasted hundreds of them, I still haven’t had any as good as those made by Oakland’s June Taylor, who has been making what she calls “conserves” out of superb Northern California produce for more than 25 years now. The Dapple Dandy pluot conserve tastes like you’re taking a bite out of the juiciest pluot in the world, with just enough acidity to offset the sweetness.

Baratza Encore Coffee Grinder

There’s a lot to be said for Baratza’s entry-level Encore grinder, which comes in a lighter-weight, all-plastic housing. It packs the same motor as the more expensive Virtuoso, and it includes a slightly less effective burr set that grinds nearly as well as—and slightly more slowly than—the Virtuoso. Also worth knowing is you can upgrade the burr set in the Encore to the one made for the Virtuoso, if you do ever end up feeling like the Encore isn’t quite cutting it.

The Dumpling Galaxy Cookbook

While you certainly can make dumplings on your own, it’s always better (and more fun) with company. Give your mom the gift of this amazing compendium of dumpling recipes, along with a promise to join her in the kitchen for a good old-fashioned dumpling party.

Espresso Cups

Pretty espresso cups make a nice hostess gift and stocking stuffer on their own for coffee fiends. But when they’re Le Creuset, they’re even better—mostly because everything from the French heritage brand is aesthetically pleasing and built to last. Oh, and these cups might be the most affordable Le Creuset pieces on the market. So, if you want in on the trend for a moderate price, they make a good starter item.

Ultra-Deep Cake Pans

Whether you’re baking cakes from scratch or from a mix, giving the batter more room to grow will minimize doming, for thicker, more level layers. Light, reflective metal also minimizes browning to keep the cake crust delicate and pale. Because the pans are nonreactive, they can also be used with poke cakes that involve acidic liquids, like lemon juice.

Louie Mueller’s Brisket

Brisket is Texas’s best-known contribution to barbecue culture, and, though you can now get slow-smoked brisket in just about every major American city, you still need to go to the source to get brisket so good it will make you cry. But if you can’t make it to Texas, ordering Louie Mueller’s brisket is the next best thing. The Muellers have been smoking brisket since 1949. The key here? They ship the whole brisket, which means you get plenty of the critically important fatty half. Why is it critically important? Because we all know that fat is flavor. Phone orders only: 512-352-6206.

Elegant (But Dishwasher-Safe) Wine Glasses

These wine glasses feel fancy enough for an elegant dinner party—and you can throw them in the dishwasher after, which is a pretty rare attribute. Their sturdy construction means you (or your giftee) can expect to hang on to these for several years.

MAC Professional Santoku Knife

This santoku from MAC’s professional line is an absolute pleasure to use, no matter the task. It’s lightweight, well balanced, sharp as can be, and comfortable to hold. It made perfect carrot cuts, broke down a chicken with ease, and filleted a whole fish as if it were a fish-shaped block of butter.

Good Kitchen Shears

A good pair of kitchen shears is one of those things that are hard to appreciate until you have them. Sure, there are all the obvious uses, like opening food packages with a snip and cutting up poultry, but that’s just the start. Take another look at those things. Yes, that’s right, they’re also a nutcracker. Aha, yup, and a bottle opener. Did you see the flathead screwdriver built into them? Handy, right? Oh, they can also be used to unscrew stubborn jar tops. They’re way more than just a pair of scissors. Plus, the two blades come fully apart, so you can wash them really well—no icky chicken juice hiding in the recesses. Isn’t avoiding salmonella poisoning a gift worth giving?

The Food Lab: Better Home Cooking Through Science

A New York Times best-seller! The Food Lab: Better Home Cooking Through Science, by J. Kenji López-Alt, is his column by the same name on this very website, blown up to 900-plus pages (and seven-plus pounds) of concentrated culinary science. Gorgeous color photos, detailed how-tos, and elaborate explainers cover ingredients, technique, gear, and the secrets of the universe underneath it all. May include puns.

Chef’s Press

If you love beautifully seared steaks, golden-brown grilled cheese sandwiches, and crispy-skinned fish and poultry, this is a great thing to have in your kitchen. Chef’s presses help you get even contact between ingredients and your skillet. They’re vented, so you won’t accidentally steam your food, and they’re stackable, so you can get a couple for weighing down heftier items.

Extra-Large Silicone Ice Cube Tray

Souper Cubes is the brainchild of two Serious Eaters, Michelle and Jake, who wanted to develop a better way to portion and freeze soups, stocks, and stews. The food-grade silicone mold features four one-cup cube molds, perfect for meal-prepping and stocking up on winter warmers for the long, cold months ahead.

Effie’s Oatcakes

They may not come in the most festive or glamorous packaging, but you can’t go wrong with Effie’s Oatcakes. Buttery, crumbly, nutty, and salty-sweet, they’re insanely addictive. Case in point: I’ve eaten three in the last 10 minutes. My advice? Purchase them in bulk so you can gift a few backages and hoard the rest for yourself.

Egg Cups

Any mom who loves soft-boiled eggs deserves the perfect cup to eat them from. These sturdy stoneware Le Creuset cups come in a range of beautiful colors. They’re totally classic, which is a good thing because they’ll also last for generations to come.

Modified Martini Glasses

Ah, martini glasses: so angular and sexy, so prone to making me look like a drunk as I struggle to keep a generously poured beverage within their confines. The traditional wide bowl, delicate stem, and sharply sloping sides are meant to enhance the botanical aromas of the gin, keep the drink frosty-cold, and provide a comfortable wall for a cocktail pick to lean against, respectively—but in practice, all those features feel like bugs for clumsy-fingered folk like me. So I sought out a design that wrapped up those attributes in a more user-friendly package, and discovered this lovely set of glasses. The broad mouth remains, but the conical shape has been softened and the stem fattened (which, if I’m being honest, will make me all the more inclined to actually use that stem instead of clutching the bowl for dear life). Got no space for uni-tasking glassware? These double nicely as pretty dessert dishes.

Portable Kitchen Timer

I can’t tell you how many times I burn bread crumbs or forget about the nuts I’m toasting in the oven. At least, I used to. That was all before I got myself a couple of these easy-to-use, loud kitchen timers that I can hang around my neck, so I never forget about something in the kitchen, even if I leave the room.

Vitamix Blender

Oh, man, do I love my Vitamix. Whether I’m making super-quick smoothies or the creamiest, smoothest purées and soups imaginable, the Vitamix is unparalleled in its power. Best gift I’ve ever received (thanks, dear!).

Tacos: Recipes and Provocations

My good friend Jordana Rothman cowrote this thoughtful ode to tacos with Chef Alex Stupak, and it’s a must-have for any Mom ready to take a deep dive into corn, masa, tortillas, and everything—modern and traditional—you can stuff into them.

Heilala Vanilla Extract

This is one of the more complex vanillas Stella’s come across. It has the same grassy, vegetal aroma of a freshly split vanilla bean with a flavor that’s both earthy and deep. It’s a double fold vanilla, which means you can get away with using half as much in your favorite recipes—something worth remembering when you consider the cost.

Stainless Steel Food Scale With Pull-Out Display

A good digital scale is an essential tool for bakers or home charcuterie makers. The OXO Food Scale comes with an easy-to-clean, removable stainless steel weighing surface; great accuracy and precision; and a backlit pull-out display to make measuring easy, even for large or unwieldy items.

Ice Cream Maker

Homemade ice cream tastes better than almost anything you can buy in a store, and it’s a snap to make. This ice cream maker, from Cuisinart, is all the gear you need: an easy-to-use workhorse that makes delicious ice cream every time. The simple construction means that there are few moving parts to break, and the wide mouth at the top makes it easy to add mix-ins and scoop out your ice cream when it’s at its fresh, creamy best.

6-Quart Instant Pot

The Instant Pot Duo60 is a fantastic value and performed almost as well as the top pick among countertop pressure cookers we tested. It’s easy to use, the company has a reputation for great customer service, and there’s an avid and helpful community of users online to boot.

Mixing Glass

This hand-blown and -etched mixing glass from Japan looks stunning on a bar cart and even better in action, whether you’re stirring a Negroni, a Martini, or a Manhattan. Mixing glasses made from two parts joined together sometimes split at the seam, but this version, made in one piece with a beaker-like spout, can stand up to heavy use.

Bread Knife

When I tested bread knives earlier this year, I was absolutely blown away by the cutting quality of Tojiro’s bread knife. It surpassed every other serrated knife I tested, cutting beautifully clean slices of even the most tender bread, and making quick, neat work of ripe tomatoes. It’s a must-have as far as I’m concerned.

Pasta by Hand: A Collection of Italy’s Regional Hand-Shaped Pasta

No pasta machine? No problem. This book is devoted to the art of handcrafted Italian dumplings, from yeasty spindle-shaped cecamariti to classic gnocchi to golden-brown parallelograms of deep-fried crescentine. If the adage “practice makes perfect” fills your mom with excitement rather than dread, this is the kind of book that will make her utterly determined to prevail.

Pastry Tips for Decorating

This epic set of stainless steel pastry tips is perfect for the home baker with professional-grade aspirations…or the food-enthused, arts-and-craftsy Mom in your life. With this kit in hand, nothing but practice stands between her and gorgeous piped flowers, leaves, stars, and beyond.

Mastering Pasta: The Art and Practice of Handmade Pasta, Gnocchi, and Risotto

If you’re looking to give your mom the one definitive primer on pasta-making in its myriad forms, this is it: Superlative step-by-step photographs take the guesswork out of potentially intimidating fundamentals like mixing and kneading dough, as well as more intricate tasks, like pleating teardrops of corn- and cheese-stuffed culurgiònes. Better yet, Vetri arms you with the tools and knowledge that allow for controlled, intelligent experimentation and exploration before sending you into the fray.

Blade Protectors

At a certain point, you need to give up on proper knife storage and just think safety: How can I toss this knife into a drawer and not cut myself on it later when fishing around for matches? The answer is blade guards. It’s smart to put them on knives in a knife bag, but they’re also essential if you’re keeping any knives in a place where they’re free to bang around—they’ll protect the blade edges and you.

AeroGarden Harvest

Cooking with fresh herbs makes every recipe better. Cooking with fresh herbs that you grew all by yourself makes life better. The AeroGarden takes the guesswork out of growing herbs inside, with an automated light to keep your parsley and thyme thriving and weekly reminders for water and nutrients. Just prepare yourself for epic amounts of basil.

Baking Steel

I’ve cracked my way through quite a few baking stones. With the Baking Steel—a solid sheet of steel designed to replace a baking stone—that’s a thing of the past. Not only will it last forever, but, with superior thermal properties, it produces the best pizza crusts I’ve ever seen in a home oven.

Pizza Wheel

When it comes to portioning pizza, a knife simply won’t cut it. At least, not if you don’t want to drag cheese and toppings all over the place. For my money, nothing beats a traditional pizza wheel.

Best All-Around Pepper Mill

On more than one occasion, I’ve been tempted to try out the cool new pepper mill on the block, but none of the ones I’ve used have held up over time. That’s why I’ve settled on a good old classic, a wooden Peugeot pepper mill. The steel burrs last and deliver whatever grind I want, from fine-as-silt to chunky and coarse.

Straight-Sided Sauté Pan

When my little sister first moved out and started cooking on her own, this straight-sided sauté pan from All-Clad was the first gift I sent to her. It has a wide, flat base for searing off big batches of meat, and high sides so you can braise, stew, or simmer several meals’ worth of food directly in it. It’s the ideal vessel for stove-to-oven dishes like this Braised Chicken With White Beans, or a one-pot pasta dish like our Macaroni and Beef. Versatile and robust, it makes comfort food all the more comforting.

The Chili Cookbook

This isn’t just a chili cookbook. Robb Walsh digs deep into the beloved dish’s ancestry, tracing threads through Mexico City, San Antonio, and Santa Fe—as you might expect—but also Hungary, Greece, and the Canary Islands (off the coast of North Africa). Walsh is one of food writing’s best storytellers, so the book is satisfying even if you never whip out your Dutch oven and get cooking. You should, though: The fascinating tale is best enjoyed with a big bowl of chile con carne. (Walsh’s recipe from El Real in Houston is killer.)

Espro Press P5

Thanks to a few simple innovations in the filter and beaker design, this French press fixes some of the brewing device’s biggest drawbacks. The result is a cleaner batch of coffee that won’t accidentally over-steep.

The One True Barbecue

Race relations, religion, the New South versus the Old: These are just a smattering of the heavy issues Rien Fertel writes about through the lens of—well—smoked meat, in this new book. And, while you might be thinking, “Oh, man, another book about barbecue?”, this one stands out from the crowd thanks to Fertel’s superb writing and storytelling skills. In a book that’s part culinary history, part personal narrative, and part tale of an American road trip, Fertel travels throughout the South, documenting the men who have long stood behind the fires practicing the time-consuming pursuit of whole hog barbecue—the ones who have been keeping alive the embers of what once seemed like a dying art, and the ones who are inspiring a new generation of pitmasters today.

Countertop Seltzer Maker

Make your own seltzer water at home with this easy-to-use unit. It comes equipped with LED indicators displaying three levels of carbonation and a BPA-free bottle that locks into the unit with no twisting, and it requires no batteries or electricity to operate. This model fits 14.5-ounce and three-ounce CO2 cylinders, which can be traded in for just the cost of the gas at your local hardware or home-goods store.

Estela

We usually aren’t the biggest fans of the big and beautiful cookbooks put out by super fancy restaurants, in part because they have limited appeal to most home cooks, even if they are fascinating windows into the processes and methods of some of the best chefs in the world. We’ll make an exception for Estela by Ignacio Mattos, though, since it’s as inspiring as it is informative.

Ceramic Sangria Pitcher

If there is sangria on the menu, Kristina’s mom is ordering it. It’s an endeavor she’s tackled at home only a few times, but with this pitcher on hand, she might be more inclined to make it regularly. The pinched spout is a genius detail that keeps all the fruit and ice from splashing into your glass, and when it’s not filled with sangria, it can be used as a vase. We love a two-fer!

Mediterranean Mortar and Pestle

In the south of France, Italy, and other Mediterranean regions, marble mortars with wooden pestles (often made of olivewood) are quite common. It’s next to impossible to find this variety in US stores, unless you get lucky and find one at an antiques shop or estate sale. They can, however, be ordered online. We got ours through an Italian vendor on Etsy, and it’s an object of pure beauty. More importantly, it excels at making pesto and similar sauces, as well as emulsified sauces like mayonnaise and aioli.

Island Creek Oysters by Mail

Few things get me as excited as a good raw bar, but most of the time, I eat far less than I want because, after the first couple dozen oysters or so, it just gets to be too expensive. That’s even truer when the oysters are top-notch, like the briny little suckers from Island Creek up in Massachusetts. But here’s the good news: You can order Island Creek’s oysters online by the 50- or 100-count for much less than they cost at most restaurants, and have them in your hands the next day for an at-home shucking extravaganza. (Obviously, it helps to learn how to shuck first.)

Wine Carafe with Oak Stopper

I spent most of 2018 getting into wine, and one of my biggest takeaways was that most wines could benefit from a decant. Does a wine feel closed—like it has only one note on the nose or the tongue? Then it definitely needs to aerate in a decanter. This one is an inexpensive glass model with a chic wooden topper, from the Scandinavian brand Sagaform. It looks just as good on your bar cart or shelf as it does on the dinner table, and will give your Bordeaux a little room to breathe.

The Cocktail Chronicles

Having The Cocktail Chronicles at your side is like having a friend who always knows a good drink recipe for whatever you’ve got on hand. It doesn’t talk your ear off or suggest something with a dozen ingredients. Instead, it shares classics, recent spins on classics, and drinks you’ve never heard of but can easily mix up and enjoy, and the introductions are never preachy or boring. This book will appeal to full-on cocktail fanatics and newbies alike; there’s something delicious on every page.

Cast Iron Revolving Cake Stand

I can’t fathom decorating a birthday cake without this sturdy, heavy-bottomed stand. It speeds the process of crumb coating and decoration, while allowing for a whole new array of finishing techniques. It can also double as a lazy susan, so it’s often on my dinner table, piled with condiments and toppings, even when there’s no cake in sight.

Beyond Curry Indian Cookbook: A Culinary Journey Through India

Indian food has a reputation for being difficult and time-consuming, with hard-to-find ingredients and new techniques. I get it. It’s intimidating. But in this book, Serious Eater Denise D’silva Sankhé breaks Indian cooking down into simple techniques that any home cook can master to produce amazingly flavorful dishes with minimal effort. Over the course of more than 100 recipes, Denise introduces us to simple cooking from every region of India, focusing on home-style dishes that move well beyond the world of curries. I’m also super stoked that she’s included notes with every recipe on whether it’s vegan, vegetarian, and/or allergy-friendly.

Microplane

Another essential kitchen tool, the Microplane grater does fine grating work way better than those tiny, raspy holes on a box grater. Whether you’re quickly grating fresh nutmeg or cinnamon, taking the zest off a lemon, or turning a clove of garlic into a fine purée, the Microplane is the tool to reach for. It’ll make a great gift for the budding cooking enthusiast.

Intense Drinking Chocolate

This isn’t your standard hot cocoa. It’s a rich drinking-chocolate mix, made from organic, 74% cacao single-plantation chocolate from the Dominican Republic and 68% cacao wild-harvested chocolate from Bolivia. Whisk the ground chocolate with warm milk for an intense cocoa experience: It’s silky and deep, with hints of orange zest, cinnamon, and juicy berries, tempered by a subtly bitter edge.

Hero Dinners: Complete One-Pan Meals That Save the Day

Marge Perry and David Bonom’s cookbook is perfect for the giftee who loves to cook but hates a mess. Each recipe requires just one pan (or sheet pan), allowing the cook to enjoy precious downtime with family—and spend less time at the sink.

Tsukemono Round Pickle Press

The quick pickles common in Japanese cuisine that go by the name asazuke, or “morning pickles,” are typically made in a contraption similar to this one. The screwable tamper is spring-loaded, which exerts consistent pressure on sliced, salted vegetables, which presses out excess water and creates a highly seasoned brine, which then flavors the vegetables. The small size is perfect for anyone who wants to experiment with the technique.

Cuisinart Blender

The Cuisinart is an easy-to-use, powerful blender that aced many of our tests. This model’s dashboard is intuitive, and it features a built-in timer that counts down for you or can be programmed to stop after a certain number of seconds.

12-Inch All-Clad Stainless Steel Pan

The slope-sided skillet, like this one from All-Clad, is a chef’s best friend and one of the most versatile pans in the kitchen, whether you’re sautéing vegetables, searing meat, or cooking one of our dozens of one-pan meals. The best have solid stainless steel construction, with an aluminum core for even heat distribution.

Punch Bowl Set

We have this 10-piece punch bowl set in our office, and it’s been put to very good use. It’s big and impressive while still being affordable, which are the best qualities you can hope for in holiday-party decor.

Zojirushi Rice Cooker

A couple years ago, I managed to convince my wife of the necessity of buying a rice cooker. Not just any rice cooker: a Zojirushi. The only concession I was willing to make had to do with the size, since she wisely noted that we didn’t have the counter space for any rice cooker at all, let alone the kind of rice cooker that I had in mind. So I bought a little guy that fits, max, three cups of rice, but really is only usable for about two and a half. She’s since come around to the indisputable excellence of the cooker, and she loves everything about it, from the wonderful rice it makes to the “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” it plays when you turn it on. But since we’re moving to a bigger apartment with counter space enough for a small rice cooker, I think it’s high time we got an upgrade, so Mother’s Day seems like a perfect opportunity to get the 5.5-cup model.

All-Clad One-Quart Saucier

The low, sloping walls of this small 1-quart saucepan make whisking easy, perfect for making and finishing delicate sauces, and reducing small volumes of liquids. It’s also small enough to double as a butter-melter.

Le Creuset Cake Stand

If you’ve ever been given a homemade birthday cake, return the favor by buying your favorite baker this iconic cake stand. Its heavy base keeps cakes secure and makes all types of decorating techniques a breeze.

Rice, Noodle, Fish

Warning: Reading this book might lead to the purchase of some very expensive plane tickets. The Roads & Kingdoms crew will get you hungry for a journey to Japan, for onigiri basted with chicken fat, juicy one-bite gyoza, milky-white tonkotsu ramen broth, and briny sea urchin. Is Japan the best place on earth to eat? This book will convince you that it is.

[Header photograph: Shutterstock]

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[enlacinglineswrites]

Klance ping pong AU: Part 5

Thank you to everyone reading this AU! It’s so fun to write. Myself and my partner in crime @not-so-sunnie have a lot planned out for this series, and are excited to share! 

Read part 1 | Read part 2 | Read part 3 | Read part 4

Also posted on my Instagram

----------------------------------------

Part 5: Keith

Raising money for the club is always fun; they rely on community sponsorship and donations, so Keith’s more than willing to do what it takes to help his team: whether that’s manning bring and buy stalls, bugging friends and family for donations or on one occasion, wearing a flamingo costume.

(There is no evidence of this. His team know better than to keep photos, and he’d threatened his brother within an inch of his life to ensure Shiro erased them. The only weak link is Adam. Adam is sneaky, and Keith is sure he has one somewhere, to use devastatingly at some point in the future. It haunts him, deeply).

They’ve decided to combine three local clubs in doing a series of activities then splitting the funds between them, hoping by pooling their resources to raise more. Keith has signed up for the running challenge, where a group has been sponsored to run the 10,000 meter race in a relay to get as close as possible to Olympic Champion Mo Farah’s time.

Pidge walks with Keith as he makes his way to the track, tapping away at their phone. Pidge is here under the pretense of filming the day for club promotion, which they will do, but Keith has a sneaking suspicion they’re here for blackmail material. They’ve heard rumors of the costume and are furious they missed it.

As the two approach, Keith hears one voice echoing over the group and he groans. Pidge looks up from their phone and grins widely.

“Well, look who's here,” they comment in a way which suggests they had every idea.

Keith tips his head back in frustration as he walks forward. Lance would naturally be here, he’s seen him in every photo of previous fundraises his club has run. He did look particularly adorable covered in paint during a community fair...Keith shakes the image from his mind and concentrates on looking nonchalant as he joins the group.

“Man, come on I’m telling you it’s impossible to run it in anything more than 200 meter sprints! The guy is a machine, there’s no way to beat the time otherwise,” Lance says as they approach, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.

The guy before him shakes his head, claiming 800 meter sprints will be fine. Keith frowns though. It’s an incredibly fast pace, and they need to cover as much ground as possible. All of them are athletes but none of them are pure runners, so they’d need to find the most effective way.

“I think Lance is right,” Keith says before he’s registered the words have been vocalised.

The arguing stops as Lance turns to him. He blinks, looking flustered at Keith’s sentence. But Keith’s spoken now and pushes past any effect flustered Lance may have on his hammering heart.

Thankfully he doesn’t need to say anything as Pidge pipes up.

“For 200 meter sprints you’ll need to run them in 33 seconds. Which is a ridiculous challenge, but you might do it. If you’re doing 800 meters you need to run them in a minute and a half with less rest which is quite frankly, impossible,” they add, before turning and walking to the stands, attention on their phone once more.

“Y-yeah! That’s what I mean although I...forgot the numbers,” Lance says, tipping his head downwards and shrugging.

However with that settled, they move forward quickly, all spitting up into different areas to position themselves for the relay. As Keith marches over to the third spot, he passes Lance.

“You’re tagging me, Mullet. Better run fast,” Lance says as he walks by, throwing a wink over his shoulder.

Keith touches his hair at the comment, fingers catching on the edges where it rests against his neck. He forgot a hair tie when he left his house, usually has a spare but he must have used it. He doesn’t have a mullet. At least, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t. But the question fades in light of Lance’s wink. He absurdly wants to capture, bottle up and keep that feeling of his heart racing when Lance winks for him.

“You really think you can keep up with me?” Keith says, grinning.

To his amusement, Lance stumbles over his own feet for some reason, causing Keith to laugh. He veers off to his starting point as Lance rights himself, turning to walk backwards and shout:

“No worries about that Mullet, we’ll see who’s still standing at the end of this!”

And Keith feels super-charged as they begin, Lance’s challenge still echoing in his mind as he’s tagged and sprints towards him. As he nears, trainers pounding the track, Lance shouts something akin to ‘catch me if you can!’ as he jogs away, Keith meeting to tag him in turn.

It’s fun. More fun than he could imagine, Lance offering him some sort of line each time he comes in to switch out. Keith listens for them, his cue to snark back or slap Lance’s hand particularly hard as the race wears on. Only it’s tiring. Keith enjoys running but he’s a long distance runner, and he’s beginning to flag.

But that’s when Lance’s taunts start to change. The teasing becomes encouragement, fuelling his aching lungs and legs.

“Keith, we got this, let’s go go go!”

“Come on Mullet, we have 2 more to go, don’t leave me hanging!”

“Last lap Keithy, come on, there's no way we’re gonna fail now!”

And Keith does make it. Lets himself drop to the floor on completing, others around him by the stands trading insults and grabbing water. Keith just watches the clouds move, heart rate humming in his ears and sweat cooling as he calms. They didn’t beat it, but they were pretty close to the time, a victory in itself. He sits up slowly, brushing the hair from his eyes when suddenly a hand appears in his vision.

He looks up to see Lance, grinning broadly, sun on his face, a faint flush of exertion colouring him. Keith looks back to the hand then grabs it, allowing Lance to haul him up. He tries not to think too much about the feel of Lance’s skin on his, the way the pads of his fingers slide against his hand leaving imprints with each brush.

“We did it! We are a good team,” Lance says, brimming with excitement.

And Keith can’t help but bask in how good ‘we’ sounds in Lance’s voice as he nods in agreement.

-----------------------------------

Read more of my Klance on Ao3

Read more of stomie2871′s Klance on Ao3

[graceful-defender-of-paris]

“i’m a quidditch player, and you’re the announcer, and i am trying really hard not to notice that your comments about me are becoming less and less about how i’m playing, and more and more about how i look in my quidditch uniform” + robbaery!!

(sorry it’s so late)      

ship:Robbaery

Words: 2234     

also on Ao3                                

 *******

The first match of the year. Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff.

Normally the Hufflepuff team wouldn't be considered a real threat but ever since Loras Tyrell had been made quidditch captain they were formidable. he had the team practising every second of the day, the last he had heard she nearly worked her chaser Podrick to exhaustion and had been sent to madame Pomfrey and given a prescription of pepper up potion to keep him awake in classes.

So it was safe to say (but not in front of any of his sibling or else he would never hear the end of it) that he was somewhat shitting a brick over the match)

Not that the Gryffindor team was bad per se, it’s just that since Brienne Tarth left they were sort of in shambles.

It wasn't helped that most of the team was made up of his family and if he screwed up he would never be allowed to forget it.

“ARGH!” Robb shouted as he was tackled to the ground off the bench at the table by a small blur of Gryffindor colours.

Arya was a bundle of energy, overexcited for her first quidditch match as the Gryffindor seeker. From where he had landed on the floor he could see his little sister fluttering about as though she was the snitch herself, at least there was something to be excited at.

And surely that will take the heat off him.

His other sister was seated by Theon and was utterly devoid of the usual green garb she wore as house pride (and partly their mother had told her she suited the colour when Sansa was distraught over her placement) but instead decked out head to toe in red and gold to support her siblings.

Sansa and Bran were the only Starks not in Gryffindor (well, Rickon had yet to be sorted but everyone agreed he was too wild to be anywhere else than Gryffindor), they were in Slytherin and Ravenclaw respectively. Family was more important than house pride so he saw no reason to cast out his sister even though many in his house view her with suspicion.

He also may have had a months detention after one of his dorm mates had suggested that she "was an icy bitch" and that "he wouldn't be surprised if she killed them all" which was bad enough but then Harry Hardyng said he "wouldn't mind getting under her skirt first though" so Robb obviously had to defend his sister's honour. And may have forgotten he went to a wizarding school and could use magic, so he may have beat up harry the muggle way and sent him to the infirmary.

(Jon had detention with him too but Arya was the only one wise enough to not get caught, Harry   had been hexed by Arya to get snowed on every time he even thought about Sansa so he would be frigid )

Robb had only managed to start on his toast when Jon jumped up saying they were going to be late to get Bran a good seat.

Bran had suffered from a splinching accident a few years ago, he had been attempting magic from a very young age. Catelyn was happy when he would cast Lumos or Wingardium Leviosa but then bran had become a little ambitious and trying harder and harder spells. He got it into his head that he could try to apparate. He was ten and so excited for Hogwarts.

Sansa thought he was dead when she found him lying in the garden with blood pooling around him. He had splinched a part of his spine and though they rushed him to saint mungos they couldn't repair the damage fully and bran would never be able to walk again. With a few levitation spells and Featherlight charms the healers had managed to sort a chair out for Bran to use, it wasn't the same as before but it gave him the freedom his legs wouldn't anymore.

It worked well but it would still take bran some time to get to the Quidditch pitch so soon the entire Stark family were making their way down to the pitch absurdly early.

Sansa was by Bran’s side talking his ear off about one of her friends, Theon was trailing along beside her. Which was a bit weird it's not like Sansa needed his help.

He was in his head about the Quidditch so Robb was only hearing every other word of Sansa’s conversation but it was something about her friend commentating and her dreamy brother on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team? He wasn't quite sure but Theon was sulking. Perhaps she had insulted the Iron Krakens again.

Finally getting into the air he felt all of his worries melt away. All that mattered was him, his broom and the bludger.

A bracing wind was rushing past, nearly deafening him to the roar of the crowd. Swooping past the commentary box he could hear the announcer

"First match of the year and first year for Loras Tyrell as Quidditch captain and early opinions suggest a Hufflepuff win in the works or so I've heard from a very reliable source- my brother. Professor’s not biased, Loras is a reliable source!"

There was some grumbling and then the crackle of the amplifier started up again "well ladies and gentlemen I've been told I can't use my brother as a source  which seems entirely unfair.”

Robb gripped his beaters bat tight as he saw the bludger fly towards Arya and he zoomed across the pitch to hit it out of her way.

“Ooh Stark is racing after the bludger heading towards stark- miss can I just refer to them by their first name cause this is getting confusing”

He screeched to a halt just in front of Arya in time and directed the bludger at one of the Hufflepuff chasers. Arya gave a bark of laughter and shouted over to him “I could have handled it”

He didn't bother to reply to her only rolling his eyes.

She didn’t see though as she was to busy racing off hopefully chasing after the snitch.

The match continued, Gryffindor-30 Hufflepuff-170 so they were not doing well. but after an hour and a half in the air, he began to notice the commentary had rather changed in tone.

“Robbs quidditch kit is quite tight, isn't it? His bum looks lovely”

Scundered, he was completely scundered. He just knew theon would never let him live this down.

Arya flew over, completely ignoring the match going on just to make fun of him. She was clutching at her stomach and she nearly fell off her broom laughing at him. Robb could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks. His cheeks were clashing furiously with his hair and though he was annoyed by his sister he did fly over and steady her.

“It should be a crime to wear those trousers that well. They look like theyre painted on- miss its perfectly relevant I’m commentating”

He was going to die of embarrassment before this match was over, all he could hope for was that Arya would catch the snitch already .

There was little else to do until Arya did her job, he blocked a fair few bludgers often tossing them between himself and Jon in the boring bits.

Dacey Mormont was their best chaser and they were about to take the lead when he saw a bludger come straight at her as she rushed to the goal.

Jon was too far away after getting in an argument with the Hufflepuff beater Meera Reed and the chaser Matthos Seaworth that their last few scores were lousy.

“Arya stark has spotted the snitch!” the cheery announcer shouted. He would really have to find out who she is.

There was a split second, a choice to make. He could either rush over- but he knew he wouldn’t make it in time hoping that it would miss her but if Arya caught the snitch they would still be behind and lose the match.

And with that, his decision was made. He would go after the bludger.

The wind was even harsher now that he was racing through it, his grip on his broom was tenuous at best with his bat in hand but now he was rocking from side to side, he hit one of the viewing towers after a hefty gust of wind caught him and he let go of his bat. It became a mere pin drop in the distance.

Dacey was almost at the goal post now- as was he but the commentary again came into his mind “Robb stark looking very dashing as he races to protect Mormont from the stray bludger- wait, it’s not heading towards her. It’s going to take out Renly!”

The sense of honour that his father had drilled into him was screaming at him. He had to save Renly even though he’s the Hufflepuff keeper . If they win it’s going to be fair and not because he had let Renly get hospitalised.

So because he never thinks things through he threw himself between the incoming projectile and Renly. His last thought before he blacked out from the pain as he fell through the air was “Arya better have caught the damn snitch.”

Blearily blinking awake Robb found himself surrounded by his entire family, quidditch team and the Hufflepuff team?

Sansa was the first to realise he had woken up, “oh Robb thank goodness you’re okay! We were so scared, seeing you drop from such a height it was horrible!” her eyes were red-rimmed and even bran seemed more solemn than usual.

Jon and Theon were the complete opposite “YOU BLOODY IDIOT!” and “you know throwing yourself in front of a bludger is not going to make any of us forget that you were called ‘hotter than a herbology classroom mid-June with the windows shut’ right?”

“I DID NOT WANT TO REMEMBER THAT” a petulant voice he recognised as Aryas called out. Well, Robb did hope that would be left out of the letter to his parents.

Sansa gave a rueful smile as though she knew something he didn’t.

He didn’t have long to think about it as he saw a barrage of yellow fly at him, it was Loras Tyrell and Renly Baratheon “you didn’t need to take that bludger for me but you did so uh... You're just like the stories of your father and an uh good sport.”

While Loras reached out to shake his hand which Robb just realised was completely bandaged. “Oh well…um ” Loras rapidly searching for a way of saying thanks and settling on patting Robbs shoulder.

Well, that was weird.

A sharp wolf whistle took over his sibling’s titterings and theon- the culprit of the noise just winked at him while Sansa elbowed him so harshly he let out an “oof”.

The pretty brunette girl he always saw Sansa hang around with was walking towards him and give him a lopsided smirk “What my dear brother was trying to say was thank you for saving his boyfriends life”.

He certainly knew that voice .

“YOU WERE THE COMMENTATOR!?” Robb desperately looked for confirmation from anyone at his bedside but all he was met with was giggling.

“What did theon pay you to say that stuff?”

Her eyes were a warm brown that he could just melt into and her hair was a torrent of waves the same colour. She was utterly gorgeous close-up and he refused to believe that she wasn’t persuaded to embarrass him .

Jon suddenly stood up and pushed Bran’s chair out of the infirmary “that’s our cue to go” and was followed like a mother duck and his sisters his ducklings- though Sansa and Arya were dragging Theon out of the room.

Her eyes sparkled with mischief and she came closer to him, shooing away everyone else. Even though everyone had now left it felt incredibly claustrophobic like they were stuck in a broom closet together. She consumed all his senses and he was internally cursing himself for not noticing her earlier.

“Why would you think I was joking?”

He didn’t know how to reply to that without making himself like a blundering idiot but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to.

“Well… um, it’s just that if you uh weren’t joking… its a ah rather public way of saying such uhm things.” if all the blood hadn’t rushed to his head to make him blush like a tomato he would eat every puke flavoured Bertie botts bean.

“Maybe that was the only way to get you to notice”

Okay, so it appeared he was an idiot.

“Oh”

“Yeah”

“So… if I were to say that you were the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen and if your half as brilliant as Sansa tells me then you’re the most wonderful witch I’ve ever met you wouldn’t be mad?”

“No you idiot” her voice was filled with faux scorn but she leant down to kiss him.

“No more visitors! Mister Stark is to rest and recover from his broken bones I will NOT be having any cavorting in my infirmary” Madame Pomfrey shouted.

Margaery gave him a peck on the cheek and rushed out of the room before she left Robb called out to her saying “does that mean you’ll go on a date with me to Hogsmeade?”

She just smiled and replied “maybe”.

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 110

Episode: Futari wa Precure Splash Star 12 - "Choppi is a li'l bit Homesick?" Date watched: 02 April 2019 Original air date: 23 April 2006 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/sBJsHUI Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

I don't want to say that Splash Star is fairly derivative of the seasons that preceded it, because it's more accurate to say that there are some basic genre tropes that both shows explore, and that pop up again in many of the succeding Precure shows. That being said, it's hard to ignore that many episodes to this point have been similar to FW/MH episodes, so when an episode like this happens along that tells an original idea, it's worth pointing out.

In this case, the subject is Choppi feeling a bit alienated in the Land of Greenery (Earth), and longing for her home in the Land of Fountains. Some of the scenery she sees reminds her of home and the fun times she used to have. She tries to bottle up her feelings and not admit to Mai that she's homesick and kind of lonely, but because she doesn't talk about her feelings, Mai doesn't realize anything is wrong, and the problem exacerbates.

Choppi feels alone while Mai is eating dinner with her family

The next morning, Mai wakes up and can't find Choppi anywhere. After meeting with Saki and Flappi, the fairy confirms that she hasn't been taken by Dark Fall, because he'd be able to sense if she were in danger. The trio spend all day looking for her in every possible location they can think of, namely the great tree, but also the playground, the shrine, the softball field, and a scenic overlook. Finally Mai thinks of one more place she could be, so they set off. Finally we learn that Choppi is at the highway overhang from the previous day that looks out over the lake. The view reminds her strongly of the Land of Fountains and she flashes back to a more innocent time playing with Flappi and some spirits.

Notably, aside from the tree and fire spirits, there are also some ground spirits flying around as a hint of things to come. Choppi's reminiscing is cut short by the appearance of Moerumba, who interrogates her for the location of the Foutain of the Sun of course, but Flappi senses the danger and fortunately the girls are already close to her location. Moerumba summons an Uzainaa out of some random equipment in the back of a truck to distract the girls and he grips Choppi tight, heating up his hands to get her to confess.

Saki pulls a trick that has no business working, but this is a kids show. She says the fountain of the sun is behind him as she points, he looks, and then they urge Choppi to escape. She bites Moerumba's finger and he throws her at the girls, who are then able to transform. The fight with the monster is kind of unremarkable, it can shoot poison goop for some reason and use a charging attack that is easily avoided. It has tentacles that it swings around to knock the Cures about but they manage to push through its attacks and knock it over, then they use Twin Stream Splash to finish it off. Afterwards, all four of them look out at the scenery and discuss the day’s events. Flappi encourages Choppi by saying that sometimes he gets lonely and misses their home, but she responds that she’s fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine, it’s fine. Fine. Then Mai gives her some of the best advice that I think may have ever come out of this show: “You don’t have to worry about not worrying us.” They all four vow to tell each other everything and pledge that they’re all in the fight against Dark Fall together.

Also there’s a framing device about Mai making a painting for the art club about “scenery that makes an impression on you.” You will surely be shocked to hear that she chose the view that Choppi had of the lake and tree. Mai presents it to the club members, who all fawn over it, and she states it represents a place that is very important to her and a friend, as she nods in Choppi’s direction in the back of the class.

The theme of the episode is honesty: honesty to yourself, and honesty to others, even if that honesty is inconvenient. That’s a very important message, especially in Japanese culture which is built around politeness and not inconveniencing others, and I applaud them for the decision to write this. Your emotions are important and your feelings are valid, and they are only going to grow more complicated if you bottle them up and don’t discuss them for fear of troubling someone else. Also, it’s okay to be homesick, to miss a familiar place for whatever reason, even if you’re better off in your current state.

One gripe I have is that despite Moerumba being hounded by Akudaikaan and Gohyaan that he's running out of chances, he doesn't seem to have any particular plan going in. He would be more than capable of defeating the girls if he simply didn’t assume one or two attacks could defeat them. He literally had the girls in a very vulnerable position, holding Choppi hostage so they couldn’t transform, but due to an absurdly silly trick he lost control of her and they gained the upper hand.

I understand the rules of the genre and I know that, if he truly won, there would be no show, and I know people watch this show to see the hero triumph over evil. However, you can conform to the genre rules while still presenting your villain as a credible threat. In today’s example specifically, if Choppi had gotten out of his grasp by some slightly more creative method that didn’t make Moerumba look like a total dope, instead of one of Akudaikaan’s stronger soldiers as he is treated, then I would be less frustrated. Have her bluff her way out, have the girls distract him and then quickly snatch her from his clutch, there’s other ways. Then, in the fight itself, the monster could have used the tentacles to hold onto the girls to bring them close to it’s spinning danger wheel area. Show me that Moerumba deserves the rank he has within Dark Fall by showing him use strategy like in episode 10, with the Uzainaa on the open ocean. Have him learn from the failures of previous fights and plot a new strategy to learn where the Fountain of Sun is and/or defeat Pretty Cure. Fire is a very flexible element for a villain so the writers could concoct some pretty clever uses for it to challenge the girls. Unfortunately, Moerumba does not do this, and he has very few chances left, so enjoy his singing, dancing, gratuitous spanish-using ass while you still can. Soon, we enter the best arc of the show.

Upon rewatch I discovered a few bits of recycled animation (within the same episode): one honestly pretty good pan around Saki and Mai as they were searching for Choppi gets reused in two locations in pretty short order, and then of course a lot of the views of the lake are repeated. Also, at the end of the episode when Mai gets inspired by the view, the water is rippling more than it was previously, and it’s very clearly CGI in that instance.

though it’s a bit more obvious in motion

Next time it’s Moerumba’s last stand so look forward to that!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 1 Zekkouchou Nari

Miracle Drop Count: 5

[almostcheesecake]

Grayscale

Clip clop, clip clop. Stilettoes on the marble floor echoed, bringing attention to the wearer. Dull, brown-suited men turned their eyes up to see the slender figure. They didn’t look for long but scurried across the menacing lobby.

Elegant legs encased in an enticing pencil skirt mounted an elevator, a smooth, round-nailed finger pressed the button labelled ‘20.’ The elevator zipped upwards.

Quiet, shy knocking aroused the attention of Marion Vidoltz, his fat face pulled regretfully away from his paperwork. “Come in,” he croaked.

The knob turned, and in stepped a figure he had all but forgotten. His absurdly small eyes widened. With a pretty smile of high-glossed lips, the newcomer batted her eyelashes at the beady man. “Hello, Marion, it’s been a while.”

Marion stumbled for some time, trying to find the right thing to say. “Carrie, darling,” he stood up slowly, grasping her hand in a sweaty shake, “Why, last time I saw you, you were a slummie.” His eyes locked onto her chest for a while, before he yanked them up to her face, “By Jesu, can it be? You’ve gotten even lovelier! What’ve you been up to, my dear?”

Carrie laughed teasingly, “Oh, I’ve found something pretty nice for myself.”

Marion giggled uneasily. “I see,” he murmured, “And what brings you to see me?” He gestured to a leather seat opposing his desk and Carrie sat down gracefully. Marion did likewise, although not so full of grace, in his own obnoxious chair.

Carrie leaned forward, smiling charmingly at Marion. “Gee,” she blushed, “What’s wrong with seeing old friends?”

“I, uh,” Marion stammered, wiggling in his seat, not seeing himself as one Carrie might view as an ‘old friend.’

“Besides,” Carrie continued sweetly, pursing her glossy lips at Marion, “Someone asked me to give something to you.”

Marion’s face turned crimson, “And, um, who would that be?”

Carrie gave another innocent laugh, “Oh, Marion, you’ll know who sent it when I show you.”

Marion returned the laugh awkwardly. “Show me, then, will you?”

Carrie got to her feet, slowly beginning to unbutton her blouse. Marion leaned backwards, breathing heavily. Carrie’s face turned sullen. Marion’s own face dropped. The machine gun materialized in slender hands, Carrie never letting go of the trigger until the weapon was emptied. Marion’s body was turned to sludge by the volley of bullets which pinged deafeningly off the furniture and walls as Carrie swept the room compulsively. The back wall was painted with gore, and Marion was a liquid.

Swiftly, Carrie tucked the machine gin back into her blouse, located Marion’s microchip from the puddle that he was, and turned around briskly to exit the horror scene.

The streets of the slums were empty in the decaying evening as Carrie slipped into a narrow alley scrunched in between two ugly brick buildings. A skinny tower of glowing curiosity stood wedged in the corner, and Carrie stood in front of it. She dug into her pockets and removed the blood-encrusted microchip. She examined it for half a second before feeding it into a slot designed for the consumption of such devices.

There was a whir, and a buzz, and then, “Vidoltz, Marion.” The ringing voice was feminine, robotic. “Executed. Identify hunter to receive payment of…” A calculating pause. “5,000 units.”

Carrie swooned her neck and held it up to the scanner. A whir and a buzz. A cheerful ding. “5,000 units successfully transferred to… Madison, Carrie.”

Carrie shuddered, as she usually did after a hunt. It would disturb her if she didn’t, and she feared the day when inevitably, she no longer would shudder. 5,000 units richer. But not enough. She wanted more. Needed more, lest she end up right where she started. With steady hands, she grabbed a cigarette, held it between glossy lips, and lit it.

Instinctively, she tapped the ‘list’ icon on the vendor. Names filled the screen; they were all within a hundred-mile radius of the vendor’s location. They had more than just location in common, though. They had all, at one time or another, pissed someone off enough to have a bounty on their head. Legal and easy, hunting was a slummie’s goldmine. For the rich – the main provider of the list – it was a convenient means of disposing of enemies. Of course, they would not participate in the hunting themselves; let the slummies take care of that.

The greatest hunter ever, Carrie was almost convinced of her title. No one knew, or ever could know, as the statistics and records remained private. She could tell her story. But she would never dream of doing that. There was a stigma attached to hunting, even in the slums. It was a trade reserved for the desperate, and there were plenty of those around. To make a career out of it, though! It was simply abominable.

Carrie slipped into her apartment, modest despite her recently gained wealth. She didn’t want anything gaudy. Attention was bad. People would ask where the money came from. Besides, flaunting wealth and invading the inner circles of the rich was a one-way ticket to the list, unless one were to have no fun at all. So, Carrie kept mostly to herself, with few friends the occasional uninvolved lover.

With careless grace, Carrie shut her heavy wooden door, flicked the light switch, and with a tired moan, pulled off her gauzy blouse, flinging the machine gun into the open closet. She curled up cozily on the plush purple sofa, staring longingly out of the large window which occupied half of the living room wall. This part of the city was a Hell of a lot nicer than the one she came from. Here, the tall buildings were dark and glossy; the light pouring from the windows was not yellowed and old, but a glimmering, incandescent white.

After a while, she sat back up, stretching her shapely arms and wiggling out of her skirt. Gleefully removing her socks with her toes, she felt the soft fluff of the luxurious carpet beneath her feet.

She dragged herself up, leapt into the shower. The water was hot almost to the point of scalding, but she reveled in it, humming softly. The humming stopped abruptly, and she opened her heavy eyelids. How many people had she killed? Alarmed, she forced the thought from her mind. Humming began again but sounded terrible. She couldn’t remember what she had been humming. How many?

No! No!

Marion.

Marion was vile.

So much blood…

But I’ve picked myself up! I’m safe!

Then why do you keep at it?

To stay safe!

You have enough money to last forever. It’s one thing if you’re hungry.

Oh, shut up, I’m not doing anything illegal.

That’s not the point.

Carrie’s hands shook viciously as she turned the shower off, water trickling off of her undried body as she anxiously paced the apartment from washroom to kitchen to living room to bedroom. The thoughts kept on attacking her, as they did every so often, and she fought them off valiantly, until all she could hear was her own sobs as she balled herself up on the bed. She sank down into the pillows and felt safe.

A pounding at the door brought her to her senses. Hastily wrapping a blanket around her, Carrie padded smoothly to the door, flinging it open violently.

“Who the Hell are you?” she croaked, her voice hoarse from crying. The sound raked against her ears and made her self-conscious of her undoubtedly splotched complexion from said action.

The man at the door was arrogant, well-dressed. Scum. He looked over Carrie’s unkept figure with interest.

“Avery Bennet.” His voice wasn’t that deep. Nor was he tall, but he had a pleasant face, or would have, if he wasn’t so obnoxious. His blue eyes were set in a squint, and his mouth tilted in an unbearable smirk.

A sarcastic laugh emitted from the dishevelled woman. She let the blanket drop dangerously low, “And what’s that supposed to mean to me?”

Avery’s composure remained unhindered. “Nothing,” he replied, “But soon enough, it will mean a lot to you.”

Carrie snorted, “Oh yeah?”

For a brief moment, Avery’s eyes flickered downwards to her dashing figure. “It has been noted by my office that you have completed your one-hundred and eight-second successful hunt earlier today.”

With a wrenching screech, Carrie slammed the door in Avery’s face. She leaned against the door, the knob jabbing into her back. Her entire body trembled with sickening fear and a sense of betrayal. And guilt.

The door was whipped open again, the breeze rustling Avery’s dirty blond hair. His smirk remained in place and unbothered. “Ah, there you are. I’m not the kind of person you should be shutting doors on.”

“What the Hell office are you talking about?” Carrie’s voice was level, while her eyes were livid.

“May I come in?” Avery asked after a moment’s hesitation. Carried nodded curtly, and he brushed past her. The lock was clicked loudly.

Avery sat down gingerly on the purple sofa while Carrie slipped off to don something descent. She returned shortly in a blue silk robe, which she clutched tightly around her waist. She stood glaring at him, her chest still heaving with anger.

“What office?” she whispered with venom.

“No need to panic, Dear,” Avery assured, the ‘Dear’ tumbling out of his mouth clumsily. He took a cigarette and offered one to his host. She accepted, and they both lit up. “The office of records,” Avery stated bluntly, “All the information has to be stored somewhere, you know. It is confidential, don’t you worry.” He stared into her deadly gaze. “I sure won’t tell anyone.”

Carrie gulped, preparing to speak, “And why the Hell are you here? To inform me that you’re aware of my shameful actions? To humiliate me?”

Avery shook his head fervently, “No, no. Nothing so sinister. I came here tonight to offer you an opportunity.” Not a peep nor a movement came from Carrie. She sat up menacingly, arms crossed, waiting for him to go on. He took his sweet time. “Carrie – May I call you that?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Would you be interested in working for our government and becoming a professional?”

“A professional what? And no, you may not call me Carrie,” she spat tartly.

Ignoring her name preferences, Avery went on, “Why, as a professional bounty hunter, of course.”

Carrie sneered, “Disgusting.”

“Oh, come now,” Avery insisted, “What was that number I mentioned earlier? Oh, yes, one-hundred and eighty-two.” Carrie did not say a word, she just pouted indignantly at the stranger. “So why not make your clearly chosen career official?”

With an exasperated gasp, Carrie replied, “Why me?”

Avery laughed, his eyes boggled. “Why you? Why you? My dear Carrie, one-hundred and eighty-two! The record for any bounty hunter, professional or not, is one-hundred and thirteen. That is, until you came along. Surely, there must be something about hunting that excites you. There’s a good reason you keep at it. A reason beyond money and safety. Ask yourself, Carrie, why do you keep going?”

This was a question which Carrie could not answer, even if she wanted to, and she sure as Hell didn’t want to. “I don’t know,” she growled, “But I will tell you one thing, Avery, may I call you Avery, I am going to stop. One-hundred and eighty-two is more than enough. Let someone else break that record.”

A sigh was brought forth from Avery’s lips, “I do not think you are considering all of the possibilities.”

“And what exactly are the possibilities, Avery?”

Avery stood up, smiling prettily, his hands posed palms upward, “You’ll be rich, sweetheart. Not to mention safe. If you work with my people, you’ll never have to worry about anything every again. We’re separate from this type of absurd society. We get to watch and laugh. You’ll even be immune from being put on the list. Trust me, Carrie, we’d love to have you on our team.”

“You’re a government roach,” Carrie retorted, puffing away at her cigarette, “Remember where I come from; I was raised to hate people like you. Government roach.”

Avery gave Carrie a charming grin, “And you can be one too.”

Carrie let herself relax, deciding that this roach wasn’t worth getting worked up over. She got out of the chair, leaned against a doorframe. She turned to Avery, her smirk was playful, “Alright, Roach, I’ll give it some thought.”

Avery looked pleased with himself as he dug into his leather wallet and pulled out his metallic business card. His eyebrows raised as he handed it to Carrie, who snatched it from his hand, her cigarette hanging lazily out of her mouth as she glanced at it. “So gimme a call, alright?”

“Thanks,” Carrie replied through the puffs of smoke. She ushered her guest to the door.

As she began to close it, squeezing Avery out, he turned around, stopping her from closing it any further, “Oh, and I told you that my name would come to mean a lot to you. It would sure be appreciated if you would scream it in bed tonight.”

Carried looked into those squinted eyes, arrogant smirk, square jaw. She gave him the sweetest smile she could conjure up and slammed the door, narrowly missing his fingers and hearing him fall to the ground in the hallway. She laughed silently at the look of sheer shock in his eyes when she refused his advances. He had really thought that she would swoon at his feet. Pathetic.

The card glistened as she turned it over in her hands, curled up on the couch. Occasionally, her eyes would travel to the telephone sitting on the end table. It was enticing, she had to admit that much to herself. She wasn’t even disgusted, not really. She admitted that to herself as well. In the end, she decided that sleeping on it was the best way to go.

23:00 hours. She shot awake, picked up the pink phone beside her bed and dialed the number on the card. Ringing. Ringing. More ringing. Carried murmured into it, urging it to be picked up.

“Hello?”

“Avery?”

“Yes.”

“It’s Carrie.”

Avery laughed, “Didn’t take you long. What’s the verdict?”

“I’m interested.”

“That’s wonderful. I’ll be over at your place at nine in the morning to get you up to speed, okay?”

“I look forward to it,” Carrie hung up sharply and sat on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest. A sinister smile crossed her face.

09:00. A pounding on the door. Carrie opened it.

“May I come in?”

“Of course.”

Avery sat on the sofa, Carrie on the matching armchair. “I guess I should tell you some of the advantages of working for the Government.” They both lit cigarettes. “I already told you that you cannot be on the list, which is good, because you can make as many enemies as you want. And I have a feeling that you will be making lots of enemies and enjoying it. You will also receive a steady pay – so long as you do good work. And you can retire in luxury at age thirty-five. Thirty if your work is exceptional.

Carrie batted her eyelashes and blew a puff of smoke in Avery’s direction, “And what are some of the drawbacks?”

“There are no drawbacks,” Avery said simply, “It’s the perfect gig. All you have to do is pick off the people you’re told to. And you can do that however you like. You get free reign over your domain.

“How many other professional bounty hunters are there right now?” Carry was intrigued by the prospect.

“None at the moment. One retired and three left for personal reasons. And the PM has a lot of enemies, both personal and political. So, you see, the position is wide open.”

Carrie nodded, “I see.”

“But Carrie,” Avery went on, “We’ve never had someone with your… stamina… work for us before.”

Laurence B. James, CEO of Terra industries. In possession of classified government information. Instruction: Execute. Carrie tucked the slip into her bra. She was a professional, and oddly proud. The weapon of choice was snatched up and she left her apartment, stilettoes clicking in the hallway. It was satisfying.

The CEO’s office was typical; the furniture was the finest synthetic wood, and likely hollow expensive-looking nameless books lined the shelves which dominated one wall. Laurence smiled lustily at the pretty woman who stood in front of him, smiling sweetly.

“My dear,” he gawked, “How may I help you?”

Carrie giggled, coming closer to him, “I’ve heard a lot about you. And I just thought… What a man!”

“You like power? Money?” Laurence whispered, leaning forwards, “I got lots of power and money.”

Carrie giggled again, moving still closer, weaving her way behind him and rubbing his shoulders. “Oh, yes, I do like power.” She kissed the top of the CEO’s balding head, “And classified government information. Do you happen to have any of that?”

Laurence became very still, sweat dripped down his bleated face. “What? Don’t be absurd. That’s highly illegal!”

“Shhh,” Carrie hushed as she slit his throat silently and smoothly. In a moment, his head was cleanly off, blood bubbling all over the furniture. Carrie swallowed her disgust as the microchip fell with a click onto the blood-soaked floor. She swooned down to pick it up and exited the building, covering her red-stained hands with dainty yellow gloves. She was pretty sight indeed. A moment was taken to reflect on her decision to use the knife. This was the first time she had used such methods. It was a good choice in her book. So much more fun.

Carrie’s new life in general was fun. A high-ranking government employee, she could say whatever horrid things she desired about said government. Everyone else did the same. And then she would go out and execute some poor sap who had done the exact same thing but was unfortunate enough to not be in a favorable position. It did seem wrong, but all of those intruding thoughts were shoved aside. Carrie liked hunting. And she discovered that the more she did it, the less it haunted her. So, the more she did it.

The new apartment was more of less the same as her previous one. She had no liking of gaudiness; the elegance of glamour fit her much better. It was located in the very best part of town, where all of the roaches festered in their pretty nest. Here, the skies were blue, and the air was not putrid. The vehicles were sleek, and hummed quietly as they hovered down pruned boulevards. There were no wheels supporting monstrous trucks here. The slums were not even visible from Carrie’s twenty-first story apartment.

The bounty hunter lay lazily on her purple couch, lavishly lounging in paradise. A knock at the door. She made a slight gesture with her wrist and a service ‘bot opened the door.

Avery smiled brutishly at Carrie, and she returned the expression. They had become somewhat friendly acquaintances in the past few months. Carrie had even slept with him one drunken night. She was horribly disappointed. “What brings you ‘round, Avery?”

“Just wanted to see how you were doing, that’s all,” Avery said without confidence. His face dropped suddenly, fear evident in his eyes. “Oh, God, Carrie!” He dropped to his knees, as if begging forgiveness. His hands were clenched in fists against his eyes. “Oh, God, Carrie, I’m on the list!”

Carrie couldn’t help but smile. She had no real liking for this man He annoyed her. “I thought you couldn’t be on the list,” she stated without much emotion. She retained her lounging position. “Perhaps it’s an unfortunate mistake.” The ‘unfortunate’ was tinged heavily with sarcasm.

“I don’t know,” Avery cried, sinking ever deeper into a heaving bundle.

Carrie was torn between satisfaction at Avery’s sorry state and annoyance at his invasion. She enjoyed speaking with him about matters involving the incompetency of the government and teasing him and things like that, but she didn’t like him as a person. Only as convenient company.

She made her decision, “Get the Hell out, Avery.”

He looked rather imbecilic for a few seconds. There was no movement from the lump except a slight tremble. He carried on from his position. “I don’t get it,” he wept, “Is it legal to kill me? Can’t my name be removed?”

Carrie shrugged her shoulders dramatically, “The Hell would I know?”

“I’m really sorry for barging in like this, Carrie,” Avery pleaded, perhaps realizing for the first time that he should not have gone straight to the deadliest bounty-hunter with this news. He regained some of his composure and got slowly to his feet. “I just felt that a friend might understand. Thanks for listening.” He continued to tremble as Carrie forcibly shoved him out the door.

“Any time,” she snarled as the door was slammed in his face. It didn’t seem like such a big deal to her, anyways. Avery only hung around with roaches like himself, and none of them could be bothered to off him. What was the point? He wasn’t that annoying, and everyone was stinking rich anyways. Out of curiosity, she hopped on to her processor, a clunky thing with an automated typewriter and a bulky screen which took occupancy in the study.

“Show me the list,” she purred into the microphone. Names filled the screen. “Search for Bennet, Avery.”

There was a quiet whir and in no time Avery’s name appeared next to 500,000 units. Carrie whistled. Damn, he was in danger. I’d kill him for that. I wouldn’t really, though. On the other hand…

Avery’s obnoxious house disgusted Carrie. She had been inside of it only once before, but she braced herself for the sight as she made her way up the twisting driveway. Her dress was baby-blue, complementing nicely her soft, dark blonde hair, on top of which sat an adorable hat. With confidence, she wiggled her shoulders into the best of posture and knocked on the door.

“Oh, Carrie, it’s you!” Avery exclaimed. He looked terrible, sunken and dishevelled.

Carrie giggled, “Were you expecting someone else?”

“N-no! Of course not.” The words were jumbled and confused, “Come in, won’t you?” He made way for her and she entered a sitting room lavishly decorated with golden ornaments. She raised her eyebrows, her mouth set in a distasteful scowl. She was careful not to let him see this. With considerable effort, she distorted her face into an expression of sweetness.

Eyelashes batted, “I forgot what a nice place you have here. You do have such… wonderful taste.”

Avery’s eyes popped; he had not expected this sort of attitude from Carrie; despite his many delusions about her, he knew that she was acting out of character. He was flabbergasted and decided to go along with it. He couldn’t help but do anything else. His affections must have finally paid off! “Well,” he choked out.

Carrie cut him off, drawing him closer to her. Her slim hand took hold of the particularly ghastly tie and dragged him down to her level. “Why don’t you get us some drinks?”

The fool followed orders. He left, and in a few minutes returned with two glasses and a bottle. They sat down on a sofa which could only be described as dramatic; its flared back being taller than either of them. Carrie smiled charmingly at Avery as he nervously sipped his drink. Some of his confidence was evidently returning. He set his glass down and made horrendous attempts at flirting. Carrie ignored his words, keeping his attention focused on her. She responded as he wanted her to respond to his advances. She laughed in a flustered way, blushed, and urged him on. There came a moment when Avery became overwhelmed, practically pouncing on Carrie, kissing her sloppily. Carrie did not kiss back, but he didn’t seem to notice.

Carrie took this fine opportunity to slip a tiny tablet into Avery’s glass. He took his lips away from Carrie’s and smiled pathetically, “Carrie, you’re perfect.”

Cheeks blossomed into a lovely pink, “You’re too much, Avery.”

Avery began to laugh stupidly, grabbing his glass, going through the motions of a toast, and downing the entire thing. Carrie let her allure fade. The bright eyes darkened, the sweet smile tilted into a smirk. Avery cocked his head, a nervous laugh hung in the air. “What is it, Dear?”

“You’ll find out.”

Avery stood up suddenly, his legs struggling to support his weight. His eyes turned bloodshot; he rubbed them confusedly. An unsettling sound emerged from within him, like the beginning of a scream. Carrie sat on the couch calmly, waiting for the show to really begin. The sound sharpened into something new; the scream was now more intense. The rubbing at the eyes turned into clawing, growing more and more desperate as the pain escalated exponentially. Blood drizzled out slowly at first, evolving into a steady flow. The scream managed to become more erratic, hands more frantic. The slow gouging in a vain attempt to ease the pain lasted for a good time, first the left eye falling to the ground, then the right eye following suit. Avery collapsed fully onto the floor along with his departed residents. Carrie left him there for a few minutes while the twitching and whimpers died down. Once she was contented, she kneeled down before his lifeless form and inspected. His tongue had been bitten and was almost detached. Interesting.

Soon enough, the scene was abandoned, and the units transferred to her own account. She smiled to herself. She did well.

The Golden Goose was the place to go if you happened to be a government roach. Carrie sat in a curved booth along with a handful of fine friends. Each was equipped with an exotic beverage. The automatic music synthesizer played classical songs in the background. The air was rich with controversial conversation.

Carrie’s own circle talked rudely about policy;

“There was another airstrike on 3H-8.”

“How silly, another 50,000 people starved to death this year alone. Now, what were you saying about the steroids?”

“The prison population – and now, this is what one of my lovers tell me – is over one eighth of the national population.”

The talk was casual. Everyone here was rich and cared for. Why throw that away for the sake of the majority? There have to be people at the bottom, or no one would be happy. If one wanted to be happy, then they would just have to work their way up to the top.

“Won’t you come with us, Miss Madison?” a new voice interrupted. Carrie turned slowly to see who spoke in such a manner. A peace officer dressed in the typical old-fashioned uniform.

“I don’t have to listen to you,” Carrie retorted, turning back to her friends and gulping her glass down.

“I’m afraid you do,” the officer insisted.

Carrie turned around again, inhaling expensive tobacco. She was fed up, “Make me.”

The officer forcibly dragged her to her feet, much to the protests of her friends. Her cigarette bounced to the floor.

“You can’t do this!” Carrie screeched. The whole venue was silent, apart from her hysterical screaming and the gentle sounds of the automatic music synthesizer. She was kicking and screaming when she was thrown roughly into the back of an unmarked hover car.

A glass pane separated her from the driver, and it appeared to be soundproof, as the officers paid her no heed, not even to tell her to shut up. They drove for what had to be at least half an hour, Carrie paying no attention their surroundings. By the time the car settled to a stop, her screaming had subsided from exhaustion, and she was easily excavated from the vehicle. She looked upwards to see their destination.

Parliament. What the Hell?

The interior was grand, but not so obnoxious as Avery’s house. It certainly had more grace. Carrie was led silently along the wide hallways, up a mirror encased elevator, and down some more hallways.

Finally, they arrived at a door marked, ‘PRIME MINISTER’. Carrie snorted at the sight. She had never met the PM before; as far as she knew, not many people did meet him. One of the officers opened the door without the need for a code or key, and Carrie was shoved in, the door closed hastily behind her. It was dark, the only light stemming from a lamp on the quaint desk, behind which sat the PM.

He looked up, his little mouth set in a delighted smile. “Sit.” The tone was cheery. She sat on the wooden chair, staring blankly at the little round man who didn’t look at all opposing. The PM blinked at her intently. “How are you?” His voice was nasally. It raked on Carrie’s nerves.

“I’m great, how are you?” barked Carrie.

The PM smiled gleefully, nodding at her stupidly. “I’m very good, thank you,” he replied genuinely.

“Why was I arrested?” Carrie continued with the vigor of an interrogation.

This brought forth a giggle from the small mouth. “Why, my dear, you killed Avery Bennet.” He explained this as if to a toddler.

“He was on the list.” Carrie’s eyes rolled up into her head. “That makes it legal.”

“Don’t you know,” the PM leaned forward, “that he can’t be on the list?”

“Yeah, but he was, so…”

“That’s not the point.” The little man’s tone was gradually becoming more and more immersed in sarcasm. “I didn’t like what you did.”

“Well, talk to the person who put him on the list in the first place,” Carrie shot back.

“I already did; that person is me. We talk a lot, you know?” This last statement sounded disturbingly genuine, and the image of the chubby PM arguing with himself did not seem all to unnatural.

Carrie’s face was sent in resentment. “So, what are you going to do about it?” she asked, standing up straight.

The PM’s tiny mouth opened bizarrely wide, and a goofy laugh echoed in the enclosed space. “On the list you go,” he exclaimed, “And not just any list. The professional bounty hunter’s list!”

It was Carrie’s turn to laugh. “Oh yeah? What bounty hunter? I’m the best you’ll ever find!”

This caused the PM to lean back in his chair, which creaked under his weight. His hands went up to his mouth. “Oh dear, don’t you know?” he said in mock sadness, “We have someone coming in to replace you. How many kills was it again? Oh, yes, two-hundred and twelve. My dear, it looks like you’ve been overtaken. Our new bounty hunter will be here in a couple of hours, so you’d better get a move on right back to the slums where you came from, OK?”

“OK,” Carrie replied somberly, cheeks crimson and nostrils flaring, “Fuck you.” She left the office and somehow managed to maneuver herself to an exit. She hailed a taxi to take her back to her apartment complex, where she took a few meager possessions which could be easily flung into her hover car. She then took off to the faraway place she used to call home. The streets deteriorated from smooth pavement to gravel; the buildings distorted into ugly lumps of brick towering to the smoggy sky where no stars were ever to be seen. People glared at her hover car as she entered the commercial districts. Carrie realized glumly that if she left it alone, it would be stolen. She hardly cared at all, though. Perhaps it would be better if the car was gone. It would lead the bounty hunter right to her.

After moments of brooding, she resigned to hide the incriminating vehicle in an alleyway and get something to drink.

She walked along the littered streets dressed in her tailored mini-skirt. She got glares for this, too. She still didn’t care. The machine gun was handy.

Leaping Frog was a joint she used to frequent often, and she supposed that she would be frequenting it again. The air was rank with cigarette smoke, and the chatter filled with slummie slang. Carrie felt at home; she hadn’t realized how much she missed the old ways.

Seating herself at the bar, Carrie lit a cigarette, puffing at it distractedly.

“Hey, you want somethin’?” the bartender asked gruffly. He was missing an eye. Such deformations were common in these parts.

“Give me something strong,” she requested, fiddling with her cigarette. The bartended set down a bubbling glass of fallout. Carrie didn’t thank him.

“Careful with that,” a gravely female voice warned. Carrie turned; the revealingly dressed woman was talking to her. She looks strong, Carrie thought, brunette. She liked that. And eyelashes long and thick, face dabbed sparingly with makeup. Carrie downed half her drink in one gulp. The stranger smirked.

“I can take care of myself,” Carrie said, quickly downing the rest.

The woman sat down next to her, got out a cigarette, which Carrie lit. “May I buy you another?” the gravely voice purred.

“Please,” Carrie batted her eyelashes.

“Two nuclear fusions, bar tender.” She blew a puff of smoke in Carrie’s face, “I’m Jaquelin.”

“Carrie.”

Two glasses were placed down in front of them. Jaquelin daintily sipped at hers with the hand that held her cigarette. “So, is there a woman in your life right now?”

“No,” Carrie replied. Jaquelin’s eyes met hers, and Carrie felt strange. Her eyes were cold, sullen. They had a job to do. The kind of eyes one has when hunting. She of all people knew. It was easy to spot. Without breaking eye-contact, she slipped a tablet of the same make as the one used on Avery into Jaquelin’s drink. When she had put it in her pocket as she gathered her meager possessions, it had seemed so unnecessary. Now she was thankful for the strange whim.

“I like that name; Carrie,” Jaquelin trailed, “It has a ring to it.” She laughed to herself, “You know, you look dangerous. I like that.” She reached for her drink and took a sip. Her eyes boggled instantly. Without missing a beat, and without swallowing, she stood up, grabbed Carrie, and kissed her violently, exchanging the drink into her mouth, forcing it down the former bounty hunter’s throat with her tongue. Carrie could taste the bitter poison slip into her and struggled against her assailant’s deadly grasp. Jaquelin held her mouth on Carrie’s until she was sure that everything had been swallowed, and it was far to late for anything to come back up.

Nevertheless, Carrie tried, retching loudly on the floor. No one paid much heed; this sort of thing was an everyday occurrence.

The pain was more intense than Carry had imagined it would be, her eyes feeling as though a million needles had pierced them, and something spikey was trying to escape from the inside of her throat. In terror, she reached up to her agonizing eyes and attempted to rub the needles off. When that didn’t work, her fingers probed into the sockets, gingerly removing the organs. A substantial crowd had gathered by now, some horrified, but most grinning with drunken excitement. Carrie didn’t realize the sounds which came from her mouth, but they made the bystanders cringe. Soon enough, she was dead, her body ceasing to twitch and convulse.

Jaquelin stood proudly over her kill, taking her engraved pocketknife and cutting away the flesh at the neck to remove the microchip. A job well done. It was satisfying.

[theforumcat]

Ferrari* looks like a fancy car. Would look at home in trendy parts of a city. Best viewed from dramatic aerial camera shots because then you get to see what the car is doing and it’s probably, like, scenic mountain roads or the coast (which coast? The Coast) at sunset or whatever. Lamborghini** looks like some futuristic concept bullshit and/or a Transformer that got a real bad cramp halfway through and is stuck now or got stepped on by Godzilla in the meantime. Would look at home in the sky over New Mexico or a Star Wars prequel film. Best viewed from inside, both because that’s the only place where it’s fun and also then you don’t have to look at it.

*there are several Ferraris, but all except the concept cars look like fancy cars so whatever no specification needed. The concept cars are stupid concept bullshit featuring such innovative design choices as:

- just a sheet of metal over the empty spot where the passenger seat should go like a tween drawing anime faces with emo bangs because symmetry is harddddd :( :( :(

- no roof (not even convertible) so you better not run into any rain, sprinklers, flocks of geese, dogs that want to go for car ride, autumnal groves, pollen, or sun with that expensive fucking interior just all out in the open or like take a corner too hard (of course, certainly people wouldn’t be buying this to go absurdly fast in as amateurs off properly graded and controlled tracks, right?) because if this flips you will for sure just be a new generation of biodegradable road paint

- no windscreen, but a little lip so the wind won’t get in your poor eyesies but like what about pigeons I’m much more worried about a fucking pigeon getting in my eyes, Ferrari. “Virtual windscreen” fuck you

- stupid little strip of lights for the tail and signals that I cannot adequately express the incredible ugliness and uselessness of also the way they’re set into a seam looks like you just put half a janky little accent light kit on it’s so cheap and half finished and terrible I can’t I just truly cannot

- actually genuinely and truly the stupidest signature paint job idea I’ve ever seen. Someone, please, call shitty-car-mods-daily they need to reactivate for this one, and

- hopefully you don’t ever need to back it up anywhere without a whole team of reliable navigators because since no roof, also no rearview mirrors but also there’s a huge solid thing behind the headrests with only a small space between them (and those weird twitch streamer seats certainly won’t letcha turn to look) and the side mirrors are the dinkiest flimsiest things ever they look like crayon drawn butterfly antennae and no way do they actually get around the thiccccccc sculpted butt on th-

- sculpted a butt onto the car

**there are also several Lambos. MOST people, when they say unspecified Lamborghini, mean the Aventador. Lamborghini’s having a weird time right now so like while the right answer is the Aventador there are some theoretical other contenders. Some people may mean the Aventador but imagine, say, or both the Sian. Both look like some futuristic concept bullshit and it’s really gonna come down to when and why they decided they’re into Lamborghinis. Some people who own one may mean the Huracan or have convinced themselves both that they mean the Huracan as well as that that is a reasonable thing to mean by unspecified Lamborghini. This one looks like cartoonified futuristic concept bullshit. Dads may mean the Murcielago. That one looks... okay, mostly like a fancy car, but like a European sports car designer tried to draw an American muscle car but the office they were doing it in was decorated with pictures of futuristic concept bullshit and when they couldn’t figure out a bit they only had that to look at for reference on what a car looks like. No one means the Urus. That one is just a crossover that is made for some fucking reason lol if someone had an Urus I would actually make fun of them because what, they were genuinely in the market for a Lambo and couldn’t get, like, a Lamborghini? Fuck’s sake.

Curiously, Lamborghini’s actual concept bullshit... are mostly just, like, very nice fancy cars. One is a futuristic concept bullshit car but electric, so that’s kinda neat at least it sorta has a reason to look like that except it totally doesn’t because this is the last part of the parent company group that isn’t already 100% doing all electric or even at all doing all electric the electric supercar novelty ship sailed with the model S get with the fucking times grandpa also it’s (mostly) a good Batmobile shape so I’ll let it pass. Just don’t look at it from any angle except the side. Or acknowledge the windscreen. Or think about the fact that it solidly wins the competition for door design most capable of sapping all remaining cool factor from an exiting occupant. I think they should lean into the Batman thing though and not, uhh... make the car play glorified vroom-vroom noises to make up for the fact that electric engines don’t make a lot of sound and ICE ones DO. Let that fucker be silent as wings just do it cowards stop engineering electric motors specifically to make an unnecessary noise.

... Oh, and I guess some insufferable niche car hipsters could also theoretically mean the Essenza which looks like a doorstop.

Now, the purpose of this is to be a very long winded and hopefully entertaining prelude to telling you that I am the Keeper of Car Knowledge in my household of my lesbian self and my MLM roommate. I used to be friends with a cis straight dude and one of our Things was watching Top Gear together. I have a bunch of cis straight dude friends who are genuine certified Car or Other Vehicle Guys. Therefore the obvious link isn’t actually to GENDER, but to SEXUALITY.

From which we can infer that women are cars.

just remembered last summer when one of our old lady neighbors realized i was on testosterone and asked me if i liked cars and when i said no she was like “oh haha you will”