#i made these instead of doing a uni final project

[winchester-grown-willow]

[bluehoodiewoozi]

Fools in Love

Kim Mingyu x fem!Reader

Genre: strangers to lovers, fluff

Words: 10.5k

Warnings: adult language. mentions of stalking (no one’s actually stalked). reader has a lot of conflicting feelings and it takes her three to five business days to figure everything out.

[UNI AU] When Jeonghan made you declare a stranger in the library your new boyfriend, you had a very different outcome in your mind.

Note: for some reason, my bestie @luvlino really liked this fic as a WIP and I promised to finish it for her eventually, so here we are. anyways, we've been referring to this fic as "himbo!gyu" all this time

You should’ve known it wouldn’t end well. 

The first sign should have been the shiver up your spine when Jeonghan’s lips quirked into a smile that you knew far too well. The second sign should have definitely been your voice of reasons cursing and hatching ridiculously elaborate escape plans. 

He leaned forward against the table between you two, maintaining eye contact. “So what do you say?”

“Sorry,” you blinked and shook your head, “I wasn’t paying attention. What were you saying?”

Jeonghan clicked his tongue. “Of course you weren’t.”

“When is she ever?” Joshua half-joked, nose deep in an oddly specific magazine he’d picked up in a procrastination daze. He looked up briefly to give you a once over before humming to himself, “Honestly, it might be for the better.”

“As I was saying,” Jeonghan glared at Joshua before offering you a sickeningly sweet smile – and there was that shiver up your spine again –, “go up to pretty boy over there and tell him he’s your boyfriend now.”

“I don’t even like him,” you muttered, glancing at the boy as discreetly as you could. You almost bit your tongue at your hasty words because the slight furrow of his brow and his jawline had your heart screeching. You frowned, head whipping back to look at Jeonghan. “Wait, what’s in it for me?”

If his wide eyes were anything to go by, he was as clueless as you were. With a sheepish shrug, he offered, “I’ll buy you a candy bar? You like Snickers, right?”

You stared at him in wonder for a while but were soon interrupted by Joshua’s scandalised gasp. “Is it because Snickers is on sale at the convenience store this week?” 

Jeonghan blinked slowly. “Why else?”

Your gaze drifted back to the mysterious student sitting across the library, now scribbling notes in his iPad between puzzled head-scratches. The part of you that wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and go through with the dare was growing by the second.

But before you could agree, the dad friend of the group finally decided to speak up. Seungcheol placed a hand on your shoulder and looked you right in the eyes. “You do know that you don’t have to agree to every bet Jeonghan gives you, right? Please tell me that you know that.”

Seeing the worry in his eyes, you couldn’t help but wonder if maybe you were starting to develop a gambling problem with the help of Yoon Jeonghan. But what’s one more bet anyway?

“One Snickers bar?” you repeated back and Jeonghan nodded. Your eyes narrowed. “Make it three and a can of cola.”

He had the audacity to gasp. “That’s robbery!”

“Not if you’re the one paying,” Joshua pointed out rather off-handedly, still more focused on his magazine. (You took a moment to identify the issue in his hands as ‘Practical Sheep, Goats and Alpacas’ and once again wondered how you became friends with this gem of a human.)

Jeonghan grumbled, slumping in his seat. “Fine. Three Snickers bars and a can of cola, but you have to go up to him and tell him he’s your boyfriend now and then walk away like nothing happened.”

“Bet.”

Beside you, Seungcheol sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I should’ve just joined the Italians for that group project back in the first year. Why did I choose you idiots instead of the Italians?”

“You love us.” Jeonghan winked. He then slumped in his seat, a soft pout on his lips. “By the way, speaking of the Italians, I found one of the girls crying last night.”

“Crying? Why?” you wondered. “Was she okay?”

“Apparently her boyfriend broke up with her, over text no less,” Jeonghan sighed, filled with compassion as always. “She looked really heartbroken. I had to comfort her for hours.”

Joshua frowned. “So that’s where you were.”

“Did you find out who the jerk was?” Seungcheol asked. “You should’ve at least gone and given him a good slap upside the head.”

“Kim Mingyu. That’s the jerk’s name.”

Seungcheol grimaced. “That guy deserves even worse. I swear there seems to be another heartbreak with his name written all over it every three days.”

“Well, anyways!” Jeonghan cheered up again, clapping his hands together excitedly. “You get to be the heartbreaker today, oh my dear (Y/n).”

“When are you going up to him then?” Joshua wondered, setting his magazine aside as curiosity took over. For someone claiming to be well-mannered, he sure loved any implications of impending drama. “I’m not sure how long he’ll stay cooped up in here.”

You rolled your eyes and got up, grabbing your bag and phone. “I’m going now and leaving you guys behind.”

“Oh, right!” Seungcheol smiled. “You said you’re going plant shopping, right?”

“Plant shopping?!” screeched Jeonghan, clearly caught unaware. “Don’t you already have, like, three plants?”

“I don’t have a neon pothos yet,” you reasoned timidly. Joshua nodded in approval as Seungcheol watched you with a fond smile, much resembling a proud father. 

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow before turning to Seungcheol. “And you’re telling me that I am a bad influence on her?”

“I’m going!” you called out softly, slow steps leading you away from the four-seat table in the art section of the library. You watched warily as the boys argued between themselves. “Guys?”

“– and just the other day you told her to –” Seungcheol interrupted himself with a cough to offer you a bright smile, silently asking you what you needed.

“I’m leaving,” you whispered theatrically loudly and nodded towards the mysterious stranger in front of whom you were about to make a fool out of yourself. 

As always, Jeonghan was the first to catch on. He offered a wink. “Good luck, baby.”

You felt your lunch crawl up your throat at the nickname and the suddenly wide eyes of Joshua told you he felt the same way. You shook it off and headed towards the exit.

On the way out of the building, you took a deep breath and stopped in front of your victim’s desk. Feeling like a middle-schooler preparing to recite a poem by heart, you clasped your hands in front of your body and cleared your throat.

At the sudden interruption, the handsome man glanced up, eyes wide in surprise. He mirrored your smile, setting his pen aside as he waited for you to speak.

You didn’t need to look back to feel Jeonghan’s and Joshua’s curious stares on you. But you were nothing if not a good sport, so you forced your smile to brighten a little bit more before looking the man in his eyes and announcing, “As of right now, you are my boyfriend.”

If you hadn’t been the cause of it, the sudden drop of his jaw and the bulging of his eyes would have amused you beyond human comprehension. But unlike Jeonghan and Joshua, you did have an ounce of dignity and compassion, so you offered one last smile before scurrying out of the library.

As you set foot outside the library, you left behind a confused man and a half-hearted promise.

You spent the rest of the week praying and hoping and praying again that you wouldn’t run into the tall mysterious stranger who had become your friends’ newest inside joke. So far, you've been successful.

“Here,” Jeonghan slammed three Snickers bars down on your desk on Monday and sighed, “your payment.”

Your eyes naturally fell into a suspicious squint. “Where’s the cola?”

Jeonghan offered a tight-lipped smile and a pat on your shoulder. “Jihoon needs it more than you do. Think of the children, Y/n.”

You failed to see how Lee Jihoon who had just three days ago publicly threatened to choke Kwon Soonyoung with his freshly broken guitar string could be considered a child, but you assumed there was a good reason. So you decided to let it slide just this once (or at least until Joshua would feel bad for you and buy you the cola himself).

Until then, you would take what you could get. 

Frankly, by this point, you were starting to forget about the library incident. It was just a bet like every other. This was no different from the time when Jeonghan dared you to guilt-trip Seungcheol into giving you his favourite hoodie. 

Except when you caught the eye of a handsome stranger as he walked into the classroom, you knew that was about to change. His lips slowly curved into a smile and you just knew that this was the end of your life as you knew it.

Instinctively, you shuffled around to make yourself seem as small and insignificant as possible. The ceiling looked far more attractive than ever before while you hoped that maybe this man had terrible eyesight and he’d mistake you for part of the furniture. Or maybe he’d at least buy into the idea that it had been a different girl who harassed him at the library.

“I knew I recognized you from somewhere,” the man spoke a bit too smugly as he approached the desk you and Jeonghan had chosen for the lecture. His smile brightened even more. “I guess I’m your boyfriend now.”

But before you could protest or even comprehend what was happening, he winked and headed further back into the classroom. When you glanced over your shoulder, you found him sitting next to Jeon Wonwoo, a smile on his face. He offered you one last (and, in your opinion, excessive) wink before turning back to his seatmate.

You turned to glare at Jeonghan who looked just as baffled as you felt. Under your threatening stare, his silence slowly turned into nervous laughter. “Well… That was not the outcome I expected…”

“Oh, it wasn’t?” you couldn’t help but bite back before groaning and hiding your face in your hands. “Has he been in this class this whole time?”

“I guess he always sits towards the back,” Jeonghan concluded slowly, “so we wouldn’t have seen him but he would have seen us.”

You wished he’d come to that conclusion a few days earlier. “You owe me that cola and then some more, Yoon.”

Sitting across from you at the little campus cafe, Joshua shared a glance with Seungcheol. The latter shrugged so he decided he had to be the one to take action. 

“So,” he started somewhat hesitantly, fully aware of what an angry you was capable of, “do you want to tell us what happened?”

“What do you mean?” you feigned ignorance all the while aggressively stirring your soup of the day. “Nothing interesting ever happens here.”

Thoroughly unconvinced, Seungcheol raised an eyebrow. “Sure.”

“I think something happened in class today,” Joshua elaborated slowly. It was only then that you remembered he had taken a fair share of psychology classes. “Do you want to talk about it? Was it Jeonghan again?”

As both a surprise and the expected outcome, you slammed your spoon on the table. “That jerk! Do you know what he did?”

Joshua’s almost failed attempt to swallow down a sarcastic comment could be seen by any bystander but you paid it no mind.

“Do you remember the guy from the library? You know, the one.”

“The tall guy?” Seungcheol wondered. You nodded. “I remember him.”

“Turns out he’s in our literature class!” You clapped your hands together in a fit of rage. “And now I have to spend the rest of the semester in the same room as him every Monday.”

Joshua blinked. “That doesn’t seem too bad.”

“He winked at me today. Twice. And he kept smiling at me too.”

“Oh.” Joshua tried to find a different word of comfort. He was out of words for the day. Perhaps his last psychology essay had really stolen half his personal dictionary. “That’s… rough, buddy.”

“Speaking of the devil,” Seungcheol whispered so faintly you barely heard. He glanced towards the door and surely enough, as if he’d heard your words in the wind, the man of the hour walked into the cafe. 

You almost swooned at the way his shirt rode up a little as he stretched his arms up and at the smile and friendly greeting he offered the cashier. His voice soon filled the cafe with a sense of warmth, like he belonged right there. 

“Busy day?” you heard him as the cashier as he made his way behind the counter. “Lots of customers today?”

The cashier chuckled. “Nothing more than usual. They’re your customers now though.”

You turned to Joshua and Seungcheol again, hiding your face behind your strategically placed menu. “He works here?!”

“Listen, I was not any wiser than you,” Joshua justified with wide and apologetic eyes. “Maybe he won’t recognize you.”

“I’m highly doubtful,” Seungcheol pointed out rather lazily, leaning his head against the cool glass of the window. “He’s recognized her once, what’s a few more times?”

You were deeply grateful for the silence that took over afterwards, happily ignoring the silent conversation of blinks and nudges your two friends were having. You lifted your hood up and stirred your soup a few more times before taking your first spoonful – the sooner you start, the sooner you finish, and the sooner you can leave this personal hell of yours to hide in your bedroom.

“Well, I think Cheol had a point in that,” Joshua suddenly whispered, nudging your leg under the table. For once, you had no intention to look up.

With a soft clink, a plate was placed on the table. You found a piece of the cake of the day in front of you and glanced up. The ‘boyfriend’ offered you a wide smile and nodded to your food. “Eat well. Cake’s on the house for you, sweetheart.”

Without another word, he shuffled back to the counter and resumed his task of re-organizing the cake display. 

“...Did that just happen?” Seungcheol wondered, eyeing your cake in a way that made you wary with good reason. “And can I please have a bite?”

You blinked and pushed the plate towards your friend. His smile lit up the room as he reached for a spoon and began munching away. When you glanced towards the counter again, you found your ‘boyfriend’ watching you with a sweet smile, a puzzled look in his eyes and a puppy-like curious tilt to his head. 

Promptly you made the decision to avoid this cafe at all costs.

The mysterious boy who hadn’t existed to you just a week ago suddenly seemed to be following you around like a shadow. He was everywhere you went. It almost felt like a bad dream.

He had already chewed you out of your favourite cafe and now he seemed determined to make it so there was nowhere you could go in peace.

You’d go to class, and 6 out of 10 times he was there too, already nose-deep in his notes at the back of the classroom. There was nowhere you could sit to hide from the glint of recognition in his eyes and the charmingly bright smile he directed your way each time.

You’d go to the grocery store and voila! He was there! Picking out watermelons like he knew exactly what he was doing (you were fairly sure he didn’t because, honestly, who even knows how to pick out watermelons?).

You’d go to the park across the street from the dorms and turn back on your heel because he was, once again, there, flexing his muscles as he warmed up for a run with his fratboy friends. 

“I honestly think you’re being a little bit overdramatic,” Jeonghan told you softly as you attempted to hide behind a bookshelf at the library. You paid him no mind.

The mysterious ‘boyfriend’ was here as well. You had almost betrayed yourself and squeaked when you recognized him reading a book synopsis right next to you.

“Maybe he’s stalking me. Maybe that’s why he’s always exactly where I am,” you theorised while watching him like a hawk from your hiding spot. Jeonghan leaned his head out of the shadows to take a good look at the boy but you harshly pulled him back to hiding by his collar. 

You glared at your friend before whispering, “You’ll get us caught like this, idiot!”

He raised an unimpressed brow. “Are you sure he’s the one stalking you and not the other way around?”

“I– That’s impossible! Who do you think I am?!” You so wished to curse him out but you still had some manners left. You scoffed. “Just shut up and let me suffer in peace.”

When you turned back to watch the mysterious guy, however, your soul almost left your body. He was right there –  right in front of you, leaning against the bookshelf – smiling at you like it was the most natural thing. 

“Hi,” he spoke. You wished his voice wasn’t so enjoyably husky. 

You offered a tight-lipped smile, hand already reaching for Jeonghan’s sleeve to drag him out of the library and give him another earful for putting you in this situation. “Hi.”

It was hard to tell which was worse: the adorable smile the stranger offered you at your reply or the judgmental glare of Jeonghan which told you that your voice had betrayed you once again. You were doomed either way.

“I just realised we see each other so often but I don’t even know your name,” the stranger spoke and he seemed almost shy with the way he fiddled with the string of his black hoodie. 

Before you could open your mouth to either tell him to leave or tell him a random name you came up with on the spot, Jeonghan jumped into the conversation a bit too enthusiastically, “I’m Jeonghan! This is my best friend, (Y/n). Please take good care of her for me. I have to go help my friend get his cat out of the oven.”

And just like that you had lost another friend. You’d be sure to tell Seungcheol about this to make his disappearance official. Traitors were not welcome in your group.

“Your name’s pretty,” the stranger told you softly, still fiddling and looking down at his sneakers. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve thought he actually had a crush on you. “Pretty like you are.” He cleared his throat and looked at you once again, forcing a wide smile. “I’m Kim Mingyu.”

It took every ounce of muscle control and brain power you had left not to let your jaw drop. 

“What?!” Seungcheol screeched before glaring at Jeonghan like he’d just been caught in the act of murdering a beloved family pet. “You little– You set her up with a frat boy!”

Jeonghan saw no problem with it. “I’m pretty sure you almost became a frat boy, Cheol.”

“That’s different!” 

“And Joshua was literally in a frat until this year!”

Joshua did not appreciate his name being brought into this conversation. He rolled his eyes before offering you a look that told you that he blamed you for all of this. “You do realise I left the frat for a reason, right?”

“Yes, we know,” Jeonghan waved his protests away off-handedly, “you got caught making out with the president’s girl. Nothing to brag about.”

You could barely hold your laugh as Joshua’s jaw dropped, scandalised and exasperated. “Where did that rumour even come from?! Seriously! That is not what happened!”

“Eh, close enough.” Jeonghan shrugged. “Anyways, how was I supposed to know that guy was the Kim Mingyu? It’s not like he wears a name tag! None of you could recognize him either.”

A moment of realisation dawned on you. You let out a soft cry. “Dude, he sat with Jeon Wonwoo. Who else could he have been?”

“Wonwoo’s pretty okay though,” Joshua pointed out. “Not sure about Mingyu.”

“Didn’t Mingyu date like 30 girls just last semester? They say he’s sort of crazy about women or something. Falls in love too quickly.” Seungcheol sighed before glaring at Jeonghan. “You couldn’t have picked literally anyone else?”

“Who?” Jeonghan scoffed. “Joshua? You?”

“The fact that those are the only other options you saw is really concerning,” you mumbled while hiding your face in your hands.

Of course your luck had gotten you entangled in a situation with the university’s biggest womaniser. You were Screwed with a capital S.

“Just avoid him,” Seungcheol had drilled into your head that evening. “Avoid him and don’t look him in the eyes. Just walk in the opposite direction if you see him. Do not let him speak to you or you’ll fall into his trap.”

You leaned against the wall in front of the locked lecture hall door, lost in your thoughts. The laptop in your hands offered a nice grounding weight to remind you to not float too far away, but it didn’t seem to be enough.

Perhaps you should’ve found it amusing that your best friends were treating this guy as some sort of a mythical creature – a siren of some sort that could charm people into a relationship with a smile and two words. But you were more annoyed than anything.

How could this guy appear everywhere you went all the while offering you wide smiles! He seemed less harmful than a golden retriever puppy when he smiled and it annoyed you to no end. Perhaps you were more of a cat person… 

“Hi!” 

You almost jumped in your spot. Your lungs filled with air and your heart rate picked up immensely; it felt like you were coming back to life with the scare. With a wary tightening of your grip you made sure you hadn’t dropped your laptop. 

Who in the hell–

“Damn it,” you cursed under your breath when you caught his eyes. By now you could recognize the chocolate-like shade of them anywhere. Remembering Seungcheol’s words, you quickly looked away and spoke no more.

Mingyu continued smiling at you – he always did – and spoke, “Did you sleep well last night? Have you had breakfast?”

A part of you felt bad for ignoring his caring questions. But feeling bad about this was better than getting scolded by Seungcheol… Mingyu could survive a one-sided conversation.

“Here,” he spoke again, his voice soon followed by plastic crinkling.

You felt the wrapper of a candy bar press against the back of your hand. It was impossible to ignore and so you opened your hand. A Snickers bar. 

Looking up at him was your next mistake. You swear your heart malfunctioned when his smile widened a little. The twinkle in his eyes showed how proud he was of himself before his words could. “I bought it for you. I saw your friend give you three of those, like, weeks ago, so I figured…” He shrugged and looked away shyly. “I figured you might like it.”

Speaking was your second mistake that day. “I do. Thank you.”

The wide smile he offered in return would be engraved into your memory for weeks to come. “So you do speak!” 

You realised your error then and there. Awkwardly clearing your throat, you looked up and down the hallway. “You thought I couldn’t?”

“Well, no,” Mingyu hummed. “It’s just that you’ve never spoken to me since that day at the library and I was getting worried.” He smiled again. “I like your voice. It suits you well.”

You nodded in acknowledgment, fingers grasping the candy bar and your laptop a bit tighter as you willed this interaction to end. Except a part of you – a stupid, dumb, hopelessly romantic part – didn’t want it to end yet. And so, you spoke again, “I didn’t realise you took this class too.”

“I had an annoying free slot in my timetable this semester, so I decided to sign up,” he told you easily, already moving to lean against the wall as well, positioning himself right next to you and just close enough for comfort. “It’s quite fun.”

“The professor’s great. Though the assignments–”

“Annoying, right?” he interjected with an annoyed groan and you couldn’t help but agree. “I mean, weekly reading diaries? 40 pages to read each week? Why?”

“The formatting is so dumb too,” you added. “It always takes me at least thirty minutes just to make sure it’s the correct format and reference style.”

Mingyu nodded enthusiastically. “I almost regret taking this class because of the stupid assignment formatting alone.” 

You weren’t prepared for how your heart skipped a small beat at his next words. 

“But seeing you here makes it a lot better.”

You decided to not tell your friends about the interaction. It was better this way. You could keep a secret from them. Easy-peasy. 

It had already been an entire day and they had no idea. You could easily do this forever.

“You’re hiding something from us,” Seungcheol concluded just thirty seconds after you sat down across from him at the library. You gulped. “I don’t like this.”

Abandoning his magazine, Joshua raised an eyebrow, eyeing Seungcheol weirdly between curious glances at you. “How do you know?”

“I know my friends very well,” the oldest replied – his voice a pitch lower than usual to prove a point – and leaned back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest, “and I know my friends would never ever lie to me or hide something from me.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes, an arm wrapping around your anxiously shaky shoulders. “Does she look like a liar to you, Cheol? She’s not the lying type. Oh.” He offered you a worried look. “Are you cold? You’re shaking. Do want me to–”

“I knew it!” Seungcheol slammed his hands onto the table loudly enough to gain the attention of the entire student body at the library at that moment. You could not have felt more ashamed, but he seemed unbothered. 

He practically hissed at you. “What aren’t you telling us? What’s so bad that you can’t tell us about it?”

“Wait, you’re actually hiding something?” Joshua caught on, gasping. “Seriously?” He leaned forward immediately, chest pressed against wood as he practically lied on top of the desk, barely inches from your face. “What is it?”

“You can tell us, you know,” Jeonghan softly told you. It was in these rare moments that you remembered why Jeonghan was your best friend among these three. “We’re not gonna be mad.”

But oh how wrong he was.

“I–” You took a deep breath under their curious gazes. “I might have spoken to Mingyu yesterday.”

“Might have?” Joshua sighed softly and fell back into his chair in defeat. “Great. So in (Y/n) language that means you had a heart-to-heart in front of the anthropology lecture room.”

You were a little concerned that he could read you that well.

“It’s not that bad,” Jeonghan defended you, almost offended on your behalf. “Why would she–” His eyes narrowed at the candy wrapper still peeking out from your pocket. He sighed right after and almost broke his chair with how heavily he leaned back into it. “Did he give you food? You spoke to him in exchange for food?”

Seungcheol caught your eye and looked like he wanted to slam his head against the wall. “(Y/n), what did we talk about last time?”

“You told me to avoid him,” you whispered shamefully.

“Right. I did. Because men are wolves and Kim Mingyu is the worst of them all.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, eyes crinkling shut. “You’re gonna get your heart broken so bad, my dear.”

“He honestly doesn’t seem so bad though,” you pointed out after a pause of silence. “He’s pretty nice.”

“That is–” Joshua sighed deeply before letting out a sound akin to a sob. “That is exactly the problem. He’s too nice. He’s nice to all the girls and they all fall for him and he falls for them and then the perfect daydream is crushed and they break up and he moves onto the next girl that catches his eye. You’re going to get your heart broken like this.”

Seungcheol had now leaned his face onto the desk, forehead pressed against his textbook. “I’d honestly rather you dated Wonwoo. That guy at least doesn’t have commitment issues.”

“Who has commitment issues?” a familiar husky voice spoke from the side. 

The four of you collectively jumped and stared at the source of the sound. Kim Mingyu, standing at the end of your four-seat desk with an awkward smile and a small pink bento box in hand. 

“You– What are you doing here?” Jeonghan sputtered, hand reaching for yours protectively under the desk – a subconscious attempt to ground and comfort you.

Mingyu held up the container in his hand before sliding it over to you. He gave you an affectionate pat on the head before telling you, “I made you lunch. Figured you might need it with all the studying you have planned for today. I’m cheering for you! You’ll nail this assignment!”

Without another word – but not without one last shy yet charming sweet smile on his way out after he almost tripped over the carpet – he left you be. The food container remained in front of you. 

Joshua stared at the box for a moment, mouth agape. “He brought you food?”

“How did he even know you’d be here?” Seungcheol wondered while scratching his head in thought. “Does he really stalk you?”

“No, but… I might have let it slip yesterday that I would be studying all day with you guys,” you mumbled and reached for the bento box somewhat sheepishly. 

You barely managed to reach to open it before Seungcheol slid it away from you and opened it himself. The smell of warm homemade food filled the room. 

Seungcheol glared at you when you tried to move to get your food back. He slid it further from your reach and picked up the chopsticks placed into the box. “I’m eating it. You don’t deserve to eat after what you’ve done.”

“He literally brought this for me though?” you grumbled but relented and leaned back into your seat. 

You watched enviously as Seungcheol fed a bite to Joshua and the latter moaned in delight. “Oh my god, this is amazing. Wow. Is this homemade?”

“It sure looks like it,” Seungcheol sighed and offered you another glare before sliding the box closer to you again. “You’re so lucky I love you.” 

You cheered quietly – you wouldn’t go hungry this time.

It seemed that Mingyu’s boldness dialled up by one notch every week. 

Gone were the days when you’d go to class on Mondays, fearing (read: hoping) he’d meet your eyes and smile at you as he walked to the back of the class. 

You came to the realisation as both you and Jeonghan stared at him on this Monday morning. 

Softly gasping for air but still carrying an air of nonchalant pride that seemed to follow him everywhere, Kim Mingyu slumped into the otherwise free seat on your other side. He let out a groan and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

“God, I hate the stairs,” he eventually sighed before straightening up again and offering you a small smile. “Hi.”

You looked at him, glanced back at where Wonwoo was seated – nose deep in his Macbook, a little too deep in the day’s readings –, and back at him. Jeonghan did the same. You shared a look. Then, you turned to Mingyu and asked, “Are you okay?”

Both he and Jeonghan seemed baffled by your question. But whereas Jeonghan’s confusion could be described as “that is not what we discussed, girl??”, Mingyu's seemed to be more joyous.

His smile brightened just a bit. “Yeah,” he breathed out, “I’m just scared of elevators.”

Not what you had asked for, but you decided you’d take it.

“You climbed up the stairs?” Jeonghan wondered, eyes widening by the second. “Five floors?”

“The elevator is terrifying, okay?” Mingyu whined and rested his head on your shoulder. 

You barely noticed the gesture, instinctually leaning your head to rest on his. It was only Jeonghan’s disbelieving glare that seemed to snap you out of whatever Mingyu-induced daze you were in.

You startled back upright, surprising Mingyu who straightened up as well, head whipping around to find whatever had scared you so. When he found nothing even remotely threatening, he blinked in surprise. “What was that?”

Under Jeonghan’s amused stare, you cleared your throat and feigned nonchalance. “What was what?”

“That– You– I– You–” Mingyu stuttered almost frantically, unable to find the words. You decided he was rather cute after all. 

No, dumbass. You had made a promise to Seungcheol – no boyfriends, especially ones named Kim Mingyu. You shook your head to remind yourself of that when you almost drowned into the browns of his confused eyes. 

“I think the lack of oxygen is getting to you,” Jeonghan decided to save you this time. He leaned his head on his hand propped up on the desk. When you and your “boyfriend” looked at him weird, he shrugged. “He climbed up five floors. His poor brain’s probably on the verge of dying.”

While you thought it was ridiculous, the half-assed explanation seemed to fit Mingyu’s logic just fine.

“Well, there does tend to be less oxygen up high,” Mingyu agreed, eyes narrowing in thought and head nodding along. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

It didn’t make sense but you weren’t in any mood to explain the modern wonder of air conditioning and ventilation to this poor guy yet. Maybe on your fifth date. 

Wait–

Before you could gather your thoughts, the professor cleared her throat and began the lecture. All eyes were on her – for the first two minutes anyway. 

But you were still perplexed. Had you just really considered – even in a roundabout way – actually dating Kim Mingyu? You glanced to your left; he sat right there, pretty brown eyes fully focused on the lecturer, his fingers tapping away at the keyboard… The warm lights of the lecture hall seemed to make him glow. 

Ethereal. Breathtaking. His jawline must’ve been sculpted by the gods themselves.

No wonder all the girls fell for him.

As you were about to shake that thought from your head, you felt Jeonghan lean closer to you. Your heart stopped as you felt his breath on your ear. He whispered, “Don’t let Seungcheol find out about your crush.”

Gritting your teeth, you considered your options: 

a) You could pretend you didn’t hear him – he’d never let you live it down though.

b) You could just shrug it off and act like he was dumb for even suggesting you’d have a crush on a heartbreaker like Kim Mingyu – but he knew you better than that and you’d be caught in a lie.

c) “He won’t find out if you don’t tell him,” you whispered back, glaring at him over your back. 

Jeonghan’s lips curved into an amused smirk, his brow quirking up. “Yeah? And how do you know I won’t tell him your little secret?”

“Because if you do, I’ll tell him it was you who’s been sneaking expensive drinks on our pub bills.”He paled immediately – option c: success.

As you walked to class on Thursday, you decided to stop acting like you disliked Mingyu. 

Coming to terms with your crush had taken a few mental breakdowns and a few too many crying-emoji-filled messages to Jeonghan over the last two days. It was a small price to pay.

For the first time since that fateful day at the library, you approached him first. You headed straight towards the lecture room, beelined straight for him – leaned against the wall, reading something off his phone –, and offered him a friendly smile. “Hi.”

He looked up immediately – with such force that you worried his neck would snap – and mirrored your smile. You had to hold back from swooning; god, he really did look like a golden retriever puppy. 

“Hi,” he replied and locked his phone, hiding it in his back pocket and reaching for your hand on instinct. Unfortunately, you hadn’t come to terms with your crush that much yet, and so you hid your hands behind your back. He seemed to take the hint just fine.

His smile never disappeared as he watched you, seeming to almost adore you just for standing in front of him. “Something feels different today,” he finally mentioned. “I like it.”

“Yeah?” You laughed.

“Yeah,” he nodded decisively, and you felt proud for doing something to brighten his day, only for your heart to skip a beat at his next words, “you should smile more often.”

“I– What?”

His grin widened. “You almost never smile at me. But you’re smiling today. I like that.”

If you hadn’t decided to just accept your new-found crush earlier, you sure would have now. 

His ears burned red – as you felt yours must have been – and he cleared his throat while bashfully looking at the ground. He bounced in his spot for a moment before asking, “Did you eat yet?”

“Had a granola bar on the way here,” you confessed shamefully after a moment of thought. “In my defence, I almost missed my bus.”

“Same here,” he laughed, glancing up again. He hesitated only for a moment before suggesting, “Do you want to come to the cafe with me after the class?” When you didn’t immediately answer – too busy trying to figure out if this was real or you had developed a very bad case of hallucinations – he softly added, "I could get you cheesecake for free.”

And just like that you were ready to marry this man. Seungcheol, Joshua and Jeonghan could eat dirt – they were probably just jealous that you were getting someone’s attention and they were sad unlovable loners. Yeah, that was definitely it. No other reason why they’d try to prevent you from falling in love with this wonderful guy who was promising you free cheesecake.

“I’d love that,” you replied with a bright smile. 

Exactly two hours later, you found yourself in a booth at the café you had previously sworn to boycott, sitting across from the very reason you had declared your boycott to begin with. Life is strange, you concluded, but found yourself unable to look away from him.

“Cheesecake for the lady,” Mingyu smiled proudly as he presented the plate to you. Seeing your thankful and excited smile, he winked, “I made sure to get you the biggest slice they had.”

You could’ve kissed him on the mouth for that comment alone.

“So,” he began as the two of you settled further into your seats, getting more comfortable, “what’s your major?”

You didn’t hesitate to answer his question before shooting back, “And you?”

“Graphic design,” he told you with a shrug. “It was either that or business.”

“Nice,” you nodded along though you were unable to find any further words. You silently cursed yourself for being so damn awkward with strangers. Did Mingyu even count as a stranger? Was he your friend? An acquaintance? Your boyfriend?

He seemed to sense your internal turmoil, reaching a hand over the table to hold yours. “Are you always this awkward with people?”

“Only at the beginning,” you confessed and felt his fingers tighten around yours in a comforting manner. “I promise I’m not usually this boring.”

“I mean,” he chuckled, “you seemed rather bold at the library that day. I thought that confidence carried over into other situations.”

“Only occasionally.”

But he didn’t seem to mind. “That’s okay. I like a challenge anyway.”

It was your turn to laugh. “Yeah? Then how come you’re not a challenge yourself?”

“What do you mean?” His ears burned a shameful red again. 

“Any normal guy would’ve acted like nothing happened,” you told him. “But you started getting me snacks and making small talk in front of the lecture hall.”

The red of his ears got darker by the second. But he cleared his throat and shrugged almost bashfully. “Can you blame me? It’s not every day a pretty girl tells me to be her boyfriend.”

Your breath hitched. “You think I’m pretty?”

“The prettiest,” he confessed with a shy smile and your heart was completely spoken for.

You had one single duty to your friends: to always tell the truth. As much as it pained you, you had to tell them about Mingyu. 

Because, for one, Seungcheol wouldn’t stop asking about him. 

And, for two, because you had learnt there was no use lying to them because they each seemed to have a built-in lie detector. 

But coming to terms with your inability to lie to your three friends came with horrible consequences.

And by consequences, you meant Seungcheol and Joshua grilling you about your relationship with Mingyu as if you had committed a crime most vile, complete with Jeonghan viewing the interrogation from the sofa with a bowl of popcorn.

“It wasn’t a date,” you tried to defend yourself. “We just went to the café after the lecture.”

“Yeah, the café,” Joshua emphasised as you stared at him dumbly, “the place where couples go on first dates.”

“It wasn’t a date,” you repeated yourself with a sigh. “It was just coffee and a slice of cake.”

Seungcheol paced around on the rug, already wearing holes into his dark socks. He ran a hand through his hair before pointing at Jeonghan. “You; you’re planning a first date with your crush. Where do you take them?”

Your head immediately snapped to glare at Jeonghan, daring him to say as much as a word – you knew exactly where this was going. He responded with a mischievous smile and you turned to scream into a cushion before he could even open his mouth.

Fortunately, Jeonghan was a nice friend and patiently waited for your screaming to stop before answering in a clear voice, “To the campus café to get coffee and a slice of their favourite cake.”

You threw the cushion right at his head. He only laughed.

Seungcheol, as if unaware of Jeonghan’s very clear plot against you, gestured widely before glaring at you. “Do you see my point?”

“It was not a date–”  you began again, perhaps hoping that repeating the sentence enough times would make the guys magically believe you and forget the argument. But your speech was interrupted by the unmistakable ringtone off your phone. 

You checked your pockets but it wasn’t there. Instead, to your horror, you found that Joshua had it right there, in the palm of his hand. He eyed it suspiciously before looking up to smirk at you. “Loverboy doesn’t seem to think so though.”

Your heart sank and soared at the same time. 

Mingyu said it was a date? Fuck. Now you had lost your only argument. 

On the other hand… Mingyu thought it was a date? Aw.

That latter thought seemed to betray you to Seungcheol. His glare hardened. “(Y/n)!”

“Okay, so it was a date!” you burst before sighing and curling into yourself on the armchair. “Is it a crime to date? Is it that bad that I like someone?”

Your question was met with a softening gaze. Whether it was your words or something else about your behaviour, the three seemed to suddenly become guilty and remorseful. 

“No, it’s– You– I–” Seungcheol stuttered to find the words. His posture had suddenly sunk from big and intimidating to tiny and slumped. He exchanged worried glances with your other two friends before letting out a soft whine and stumbling over the carpet to hug you to his chest. “It’s not bad that you like someone. Of course you can date whoever you want.”

“Just not Mingyu?” you scoffed but made no move to leave his embrace. His stubborn personality and overprotective nature be damned, but he gave the best and warmest hugs you had ever experienced. You doubted anyone could give better hugs. 

He sighed. “I– Don’t make me feel bad about this. God, I can’t do this–”

“We just don't want you to get hurt,” Joshua took over, reaching over to pat your head. “Mingyu kind of has a reputation.”

“I don't think he does it on purpose though,” you mumbled.

“I don’t either,” Joshua hummed, “but the fact is that he leaves a trail of broken hearts wherever he goes. He falls fast and hard but he loses interest just as quick. We don’t want you to be one of the broken girls he leaves behind.”

“Bet I can fix him,” you stubbornly joked and chuckled but you weren't fully convinced it was a joke anymore.

Joshua laughed. “I’m sure you can.”

“Can’t you guys just be a little more supportive?” you sighed, finally leaning out of Seungcheol’s embrace. “If he breaks my heart, so be it.”

“You don’t deserve your heart broken by a fratboy with commitment issues,” Joshua told you gently. “That’s the whole thing.”

You heard a scoff from over on the sofa. “She’s not in love with you, Shua.”

Joshua’s and Seungcheol’s heads snapped up immediately, one glaring at Jeonghan and the other at you.

“Me?!” 

“LOVE?! YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM???”

You vowed that if you went to jail this year, it would be for the death of Yoon Jeonghan. You hoped your glare over Seungcheol’s shoulder was enough to convey your intentions.

“Fine, you can go on a second date with Mingyu,” Seungcheol had told you, much like a father lecturing his rebellious teenage daughter, “but only if we come along.”

And so, you went on your second date to the fair with Kim Mingyu, accompanied by one menacing bodyguard and your two mostly normal friends. And what a date it was.

Holding onto him tight as he all but cried into your shoulder, you wondered how this poor coward had even gotten this far in life. 

“It’s okay,” you told him, patting his head as you exited the haunted maze attraction. “See, we’re out already! You’re fine.”

The date had been so nice so far. He had paid for the tickets (all of them, which seemed to get him in Jeonghan’s good graces) and bought you a themed headband to wear. He had won you a bear plushie from a no-doubt rigged stand, only smiling proudly as the attendant glared and handed him the prize. The butterflies in your chest couldn’t have been more fluttery and excited than they had been this entire evening. The perfect date, 10/10, you understood why so many girls fell for the Kim Mingyu.

But then you had discovered your boyfriend’s fatal flaw: despite his imposing size and the visible definition of his muscles, he was an absolute coward. 

Though he had put on a confident act while waiting in the queue, it took him no less than two minutes to start screaming in fear and using you as a shield from the scare actors.

As you tried your hardest to comfort him, wiping the tears of fear from his cheeks and rubbing gentle circles into his back, Jeonghan was cackling behind you like a maniac, finding great joy in your boyfriend’s distress. “Are you scared of clowns, Kim Mingyu? Clowns?” 

“I’m scared of a lot of things, but clowns aren‘t one of them!” Mingyu bravely shouted at him, eyes blood-shot and throat sore from all the screaming and squealing he had done these past fifteen minutes, before his words dawned on him. “I meant–”

With a judgemental nose scrunch, Joshua nudged your side and scoffed out a short laugh before whispering, “You sure know how to pick them, huh?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you growled at him but paid him no more attention as Mingyu grabbed onto your arm with yet another screech of fear.

“Dude,” Seungcheol sighed deeply, defeated and tired of your fair adventure, “that was just a pigeon.”

“Birds are scary,” Mingyu retorted immediately.

“Not pigeons,” Jeonghan told him with an equally exhausted sigh. “They’re about as harmful as you are. No one ever, in the history of this planet got physically attacked by a pigeon.”

“Well, actually–” Joshua began but was promptly cut off by your elbow between his ribs.

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” you asked Mingyu, squeezing his hand for comfort. “Maybe we could go eat? Or just walk around?”

He hesitated. “I was actually hoping we could– Nevermind. That’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s fun. What were you thinking?”

“... The ferris wheel?” He side-eyed your friends for the briefest moment before adding in a whisper, “Just the two of us?”

Without a moment to think about it (because god knows you’d be caught by Seungcheol), you tugged on his hand and began running towards the queue for the ferris wheel, glancing behind you to make sure they hadn’t followed you.

“What was that?” Mingyu giggled as you came to a stop. 

“You said you wanted to come, just the two of us,” you told him with a shrug and an award-winning smile. “Keep a low profile and they won’t find us.”

“Why are they here with us anyway?” he wondered before quickly correcting himself, “Not that I think they’re bad or annoying or something– It’s just that–”

You laughed and glanced through the growing crowd at where your trio of friends were looking around nearly frantically, like a pack of guard dogs trying to figure out where the sound had come from. “They’re overprotective and think you’re bad news.”

“Me?” Lips pursing into a small pout, he seemed a little dejected at the thought. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you think I’m bad news? That I’m not good for you?”

The sadness in his beautiful brown eyes made you weak inside. You were ready to spill every truth and lie and everything in between just to make him happy again. But before you could, the staff member in charge of the wheel greeted you with a tired smile and asked for your tickets and, before you knew it, you were seated in the gondola.

You had read enough romance novels to know where this would lead.

Or so you thought, until the wheel was three metres off the ground and Mingyu was the palest you had ever seen him, eyes wide with fear as he looked at anything but the windows. 

“You good?” you asked him carefully, reaching your hand across the gondola to squeeze his knee. He didn’t answer. And then it dawned on you – the very same realization from just twenty minutes ago – your boyfriend was the dictionary definition of a coward. “... Don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.”

Shaking a little from the fear travelling through his veins, he took a sharp breath. “I won’t.”

“But are you?”

“Yes. Deathly.”

You wanted to laugh at the irony. “You were the one that suggested we come on the ferris wheel!”

“I didn’t think it would be this bad if you’re with me!” he practically whined, eyes squeezed shut, his hand searching for yours for comfort. “I just wanted this date to be romantic for you. What good date doesn’t end with a ferris wheel ride?!”

Why was your stupid cowardly boyfriend making your heart flutter again like this? Just a few simple words that he probably hadn’t even thought through and you were melting all over again.

“Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?” you offered. 

He shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. All you’ve done today is comfort me and tell me it’s fine but, really, you must think I’m a coward and an idiot.”

Well, he wasn’t completely wrong. But it’s not like you were ever going to tell him.

“Actually, can you just tell me when we’re going down again?” he added soon after, voice cracking. He paused. “Or, well, actually don’t do that because you must already think I’m pathetic and I don’t want to ruin this for you and–”

You weren’t sure why or how, but you found yourself pressing your lips to his. His rambling cut off with a noise of surprise and before long, he leaned closer to you, still squeezing your hand with his, and nearly melted into the kiss.

When you pulled away, nose still brushing against his, he let out a shaky breath that sounded just a little bit like a laugh. “What was that for?”

“I– You–” you stuttered, unable to believe your own actions. You leaned further away from him, clearing your throat as the gondola came to a stop at the bottom of the wheel, the staff fumbling with the door to let you out. “We’re back on the ground.”

“We are?” he breathed out and finally opened his (admittedly hazy) eyes. “Oh. I guess we are.”

As you stepped out of the gondola and began on your way back towards the front gate, he linked your arms, playing with your fingers. “That wasn’t so bad.”

“You were almost crying,” you told him with a good-hearted laugh and a nudge. “Please do us both a favour and never take your date to a haunted maze or to the ferris wheel ever again.”

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best,” he laughed, sheepish.

“There you two are!” Jeonghan’s voice sounded from behind you. You turned to offer him a smile. He replied with a sarcastic one of his own before yelling as loud as he could (which, admittedly, was not very loud at all), “Cheol! Shua! I found the fools in love!”

As your trio of friends slowly gathered, you were still focused on Mingyu. The fairy lights had no right to make him look so beautiful. You were certain you would dream of him tonight. 

“The haunted maze aside,” you started, voice low as to not let your friends hear, “I enjoyed this date.”

He grinned brightly. “Me too. But I suppose everything’s just better with you.”

“Same time next week?” you half-joked. “I’ll do the planning this time though.”

“Only if you promise there won’t be any more haunted mazes,” he mumbled to cover up the fact that you had him wrapped around your fingers, wound so tight he could never think of letting go.

“It’s a date,” you laughed and kissed his cheek just as Seungcheol walked over to drag you away by your arm. “Hey!”

“It’s past your curfew,” he deadpanned while Jeonghan and Joshua snickered behind you. 

You scoffed. “I’m an adult?!”

“You snuck away with your boyfriend!” he accused, looking almost actually offended by your actions. “What adult does that? And with a frat boy of all things?”

“I think they’re cute,” Joshua argued with a kind smile, having always been the most hopeless romantic of the bunch. “He’s like a golden retriever in love.”

“Golden retriever?" Seungcheol scoffed. “He towers over all of us. He’s a great dane if anything.”

As if to prove your friends’ point, the sound of rapid footsteps echoed from the pavement. 

Always the most brave of the three, Jeonghan turned his head to take a look. He let out a disbelieving laugh. “(Y/n), your puppy’s coming with us.”

“My what?” you wondered, brows furrowing as you turned to see whatever it was he had noticed. Your heart fluttered at the sight of Mingyu running up to you with a bashful smile. 

“I–” he gasped out, struggling to breathe. 

Your friends and you were equally breathless, mostly from shock.

He took one more deep breath – all the while glaring at the starry sky as if to curse the gods for giving him such a poor lung capacity – and then turned to smile at you again, “What kind of a date would I be if I didn’t walk you to your front door?”

“One without a death wish,” you swore you heard Seungcheol mumble under his breath. But you weren’t too worried about him (he couldn’t hurt a fly even if he wanted to), especially when you had a whole Kim Mingyu running to you.

“You don’t have to–” you started.

But he shook his head and smiled a little prouder before offering his arm. “Here, I’ll keep you safe.”

“What are we? Just random street rats?” Jeonghan wondered while looking awfully amused. “You think one of you can protect her better than three of us?”

While Mingyu looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole, red ears and all, you came to his defence with a discerning stare directed at your three friends. You shrugged. “I certainly feel safer with him.”

With a pained groan and a hand to his chest as if to will his heart to stop hurting, Jeonghan grabbed Seungcheol by the arm. “C’mon, great dane, he’s clearly got it covered.”

Seungcheol blinked at him, baffled. “You’re not seriously thinking of– Jeonghan! We can’t just leave them!”

You gave your best friend a begging look. As much as you could never admit it to Seungcheol, you longed for more time with Mingyu. And if it was just the two of you? You were giddy at just the prospect of it.

“I’ll pay for your pizza,” Jeonghan offered begrudgingly, sending you one last warning glare before practically dragging Seungcheol away. Joshua – much to your joy – was happier to leave you with your new boyfriend, only giving you one last hug and a wave goodbye before following the others and joining in their banter.

You looked up to find Mingyu staring after them in utter surprise. “They actually left us alone? Willingly?”

“I guess so,” you feigned coyness. “So, you’re walking me home then?”

“Most happily,” he agreed before shrugging off his jacket and – to the detriment of your poor fluttering heart – draped it over your shoulders. “There, now you’ll be warm.”

“You didn’t have to–”

“I wanted to,” he interrupted with a sweet smile before offering you his arm again.

You swallowed the butterflies threatening to break out and linked your arm with his with a shy smile. And so, side by side, you walked to your home. The conversation was almost nonexistent as you simply enjoyed each other’s presence in the silence of the night. 

“Can I ask something?” Mingyu suddenly broke the blissful quiet air.

You hummed in agreement.

He took a deep calming breath before blurting, “Why me?”

“... What?”

“Why me?” he repeated himself a little more certainly. “Why would you choose me as your boyfriend? 

There was another moment of silence. How could one tell someone as loving and sweet as Mingyu that you were dating him only because of a stupid joke? A small bet that was never meant to go further than a sentence of a prank and five minutes of confusion? You feared you’d shatter his heart.

But still you had to come clean eventually. 

It was funny really, you thought, that a week or two ago, you wouldn’t have hesitated to answer at all. You would’ve laughed it off and told him it was just a silly joke and to not take it so seriously. You would’ve texted the group chat telling Jeonghan he owed you another Snickers bar for the humiliation of having to explain yourself to a fratboy.

And today your heart hurt at the idea of breaking his.

Mirroring his earlier preparations, you took a deep breath to ease your nerves and calm your heart before answering, “It was Jeonghan who picked you.”

“For you to date?” Mingyu wondered, brows furrowing in confusion. “That’s a little odd, I suppose, but–”

“No, it was– It was a bet. At first.” You didn’t dare to look at him as you spoke. (And if you had, you would’ve seen his facade of confidence crack just a little.) “We were just at the library and Jeonghan bet me a coke and a Snickers bar to tell you… what I told you that day. I wasn’t– You– We weren’t ever supposed to meet again. Well, maybe as a passing glance in the hallway or something, but not like this. It wasn’t meant to be serious.”

“Oh.” You didn’t need to look at him to know how dejected he must have felt.

“But!” you rushed to mend his heart, “But then I got to know you and you made me lunch and you smiled at me all pretty and you spoke to me even when I was being weird and mean– Look,” you stopped mid-step and grabbed his wrist to stop him as well, forcing him to face you before you spoke with as much conviction as you could muster up, “this whole thing might have started because Jeonghan offered me candy, but I swear on everything that I hold dear that… that I really like you. I’ve come to really like you so much, Mingyu. 

“I can’t imagine a day without you anymore. When you miss our lectures, I spend all day worrying something happened to you. When you don’t smile, I want to go and kick whoever made you sad or mad. I just really love you a lot – even if it wasn’t so at first. Okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered, nodding slowly, his eyes glimmering a little. “I mean… I always guessed you didn’t say those things because you actually felt something for me and–” He paused, eyes clearing, brows furrowing, ears tinting red. “Did you just say you love me?”

“I– You– What? No,” you laughed and felt nervous all of a sudden. 

You couldn’t have!? 

… Could you?

His dejected puppy-eyes became cheerful half-moons as he grinned widely. “You did! You love me!”

You weren’t sure you had enough proof to argue, so you kept quiet and prayed he wouldn’t see right through you. You hadn’t meant to let those words slip so early. You hadn’t meant to even feel this way. But you couldn’t lie and argue.

“Hey, if it makes you feel better,” Mingyu leaned closer to speak softly, “I’ve been thinking about how I love you too.” He let out a sheepish laugh. “Really, I was worried I’d be too forward and scare you away if I told you that already. I mean, it’s only our – what? – second date?”

“You really do fall hard and fast, huh?” you wondered out loud. 

He scoffed. “Who told you that?”

“My friends.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ll have you know that you’re the first I’ve felt this way about.

“Yeah?” You pursed your lips in thought. “If that’s true, then you should kiss me right now.”

Mingyu chuckled and shook his head. “I fear that might be a little too forward.”

“Really?” You quirked a brow. “And a  love confession on the second date isn’t?”

“You’re the one who started it! Besides,” he linked your arms and led you to keep walking towards your home, “I’m a little scared of your friends and I’m pretty sure the one with big muscles will kick my ass if I don’t take you on at least two more dates before I kiss you.”

You weren’t entirely sure he was joking.

“Fine,” you sighed, defeated in the game of love. “But those two dates better be great. I’m speaking five-star restaurant, dinner and a concert by the seaside, watching The Titanic in the moonlight kind of romantic.”

“I’ve got it, don’t worry, baby,” he assured you and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek.

Baby. You had to physically hold back from smiling and blushing all giddy. 

[if-loves]

etude op. 10 no. 4 (torrent)

// Yandere Dr Ratio

Sum: When the rain falls, so too does your tears.

wc: 3278

warnings: implied depression, suicidal thoughts, implied suicide attempt, ooc ratio probably

a/n: sorry for the disappearance LMAO uni was holding me by the neck and not in the way i enjoy

also this was a whole load of yapping ngl maybe i projected too much xd

also pls let me know if i missed any tags!! i’d hate to mistag/forget any cw tags

likes & reblogs are appreciated! asks are more than welcome ❤️

As a student with the honor of studying directly under the one and only Veritas Ratio, you’re more than used to the bluntness of his words and his marking. After all, he’s the Dr Veritas Ratio, arguably one of the most intelligent people, beings even, in the cosmos, and you’re just a mere academic. Sure, you’ve had your theories and whatnot, but compared to someone like Dr Ratio you’re basically a child.

Everyone tells you that you’re incredibly fortunate to be able to have someone as prestiged as him as your tutor, that you would take advantage of the opportunity and use it to further your own studies and knowledge, but you’re not quite sure if furthering your studies is truly what you desire. Coming to university was already an expectation from your parents, who in their right mind would reject them when they’ve already saved all that money exclusively for your studies?

You don’t think yourself to be especially smart or gifted in anything. To yourself, you are just a regular person who will go on to graduate, find a job, and maybe settle down if you were given the chance. You don’t expect much for and from yourself.

However, Dr Ratio clearly seems to think otherwise; or else why would he choose you of all people to be under his tutelage?

It has been almost twelve cycles of the moon, and you have yet to figure out why. The agreed period of mentoring is coming to its end, and he expects a full length thesis and three separate reports from you concerning your studies and experience under him, and you cannot for the life of you think of anything that could ever satisfy him. In the whole period of his guidance, he has never once scored you above a low thirties. The more it happened, the more you thought it was more of a him issue than yours - but that’s what people who can’t take criticism say, so perhaps you’ll refrain from thinking that thought.

The sun had long set, leaving your side of the planet at the mercy of the night. In front of you, a too-bright screen from your laptop glares at you with a blank page, as if demanding you finally do something instead of staring out of the window wistfully as if you were some widow lamenting the loss of her husband.

It takes you everything not to just give up and curl up in the warmth of your bed.

With the nth sigh of the day, you woefully start typing, frustration in the pits of your mind. What in the world could you even write about, anyway? The spinning of the sun? No, you’re sure there’s thousands of papers written about that, similarly for the moon; you’re not one for mathematics either, so that was out of the question. Science isn’t really your forte either, so your options for a paper that would gain Dr Ratio’s approval is about zero. Maybe you should just drop out.

When the world is asleep, you remain awake, and so too does something else.

~~~

There are still a few days left before your thesis and reports are to be submitted, and you can’t help but feel like you’ve written utter nonsense.

What in the world are you talking about? Even you didn’t know. Something about some mythicised substance known as Xuixzedlm, that’s apparently supposed to be what the deep oceans of your world is made of, but none have been able to explore said oceans due to their size, toxicity and the creatures lurking beneath its surface. In fact, almost 99% of the oceans have remained unexplored.

You kind of regret choosing such a substance to be the main part of your thesis, considering how little information there is of it. Sure, the main point of a thesis is to propose a theory to be proved, but for something like this where the research is extremely minimal, you’ve ended up circling back to your previous points due to the lack of ideas and, of course, proven research. Not that he’d care about your excuses.

Your days leading up to the submission date are spent typing, deleting, and referencing your paper. You’re a little less stressed about the report because it didn’t exactly require the same thinking as a thesis did, so you managed to finish those in a week. You’d still need to proofread them a few more times to ensure grammar and whatnot was perfect, but ultimately, its priority was far lower on your list.

However, something odd has happened recently.

One evening when you had finally arrived back home after spending most of the day at one of the university’s libraries, you found a silver key with lilac purple highlights and a strange symbol in the middle. You’d asked your parents, but they hadn’t a clue either, leading to some concern that your room may have been broken into. There were a few off parts about that theory, some being that none of your belongings were missing, there was no evidence of lock tampering on your windows, and most of all, why said person would leave an expensive and important looking key on your table.

The sudden and suspicious appearance of the key led to you keeping it on your person at all times, for a reason you’re not exactly quite sure of other than because it felt right. There’s an inexplicable familiarity to it, as if it belongs to you, but you can never seem to recall where you’ve seen it before, if you ever have in the first place.

Another weird thing has been happening ever since you found the key - you’ve been feeling a strange desire to enter the toxic ocean.

The sounds of the waves splashing against the shore invites you in your dreams, and you always take a step forward, one step after another until the water almost touches your toes. The sun is setting upon you, the breeze gently blowing; the sight in front of you is the picture of ethereal. Just as you take one more step, just as you fall into the abyss, someone pulls you back and you are jolted awake.

Scholars say dreams are the subconscious taking its turn, toying with fantasies and fears indiscriminately. Sometimes they mix, giving birth to hopes that only end in hopelessness, happiness that only ends in despair. If this is true, does your subconscious desire death?

~~~

Veritas Ratio has always thought himself as logical. Most have thought the same of him as well, the rest thinking him some sharp-tongued snake that will not hesitate to bite them should he see fit.

When it comes to you however, he feels an unexplainable feeling in his chest and head, a desire that has only grown since the moment he chose you to be under his guidance for a year. His harshness may not reflect it, but it is merely his way of showing he cares - by being extra critical of your work so that you know how to improve. Veritas Ratio truly wants nothing but the best for a student like you.

Lately, this feeling has grown much in size and desire, leaving him finding trouble in resisting it. It lingers like a persistent headache, and acts up when you are around, leaving him in a constant battle for retention of sanity. His mental fortitude currently leaves him with the upper hand, but who knows for how long.

For someone who prides themself on being logical, he sure feels illogical as he stares at your student ID photo.

It’s one of your least flattering pictures he’s sure, but he finds himself staring at it all the same. The nuisance in his head keeps telling him frankly worrisome thoughts, but he feels no desire to act upon them… at least, the sane part of him doesn’t.

He knows there’s something special about you, and some selfish part of him doesn’t want this mentorship to end, to let you go. There’s no way of being able to guarantee ever seeing you again, so what if…

No. Irrationality has no place in his ideals, let alone in his life.

~~~

You’ve submitted your thesis and reports to him, and now you sit in front of him with your heart pounding in your chest. Is there anything scarier than the judgment of your teacher?

Your hands are laid on your lap, the key in your pocket. The coldness of it transcends the fabric of your pants, a constant reminder of the mystery it holds, and the thoughts it brings. Even now, you find your heart yearning for the sea.

You’re afraid to look at him. You’re afraid of what his expression could tell you, of the disapproval you’re expecting. You’re afraid of disappointing him once again, afraid of his rejection and the harsh words that will inevitably leave his lips. He will berate you once more, and you will be left to silently take it because truthfully, you know he’s right.

The silence continues, and you feel a sudden dizziness and the urge to throw up. You wish the sea would swallow you whole.

“I do not have enough time to finish reviewing everything today, so proper feedback will be given one week from now in person. As for the next few days, they shall continue as normal, as you are still under my tutelage. Do not forget, you still have readings to finish before tomorrow’s class.” He shuts his laptop and takes his alabaster head with him, once again leaving you to drown in the torrent of self-deprecation.

The sea embraces all, doesn’t it? It will lap up all those who dare to offer it their lives, no matter what achievements the person has made in their life, no matter if they are even a person at all. The sea… welcomes all.

(It’ll welcome you, right?)

~~~

After you left the university, you found yourself on the train to the beach. Night is upon the city, but the ocean doesn’t sleep.

People filter out of the trains one by one, until only you are left in the carriage. Announcement after announcement of stops and the sound of the train’s wheels scraping the tracks below it are the only disturbances in the otherwise peaceful silence. Despite the quietness, you cannot hear yourself. The key in your pocket feels like it is burning itself into your skin, but it is also the only thing keeping you awake, a reminder that you are still alive.

You wonder if the ocean too will eat the key, or if it will sink into its depths. Will you sink to the depths?

The train stops at its end, and your legs automatically move. You walk until you hear the sound of waves crashing onto the shore, until you are stopped by a barrier. In an act of madness (or is it desire?), you scale the wall until there is no more to scale, until you see the other side.

There is a certain beauty about the ocean that you can’t quite describe to anyone, that pictures cannot replicate. It brings you a sense of peace, like all will be right in the world. If you could just…

The jump down from the barrier is no easy task. It is a long way down, and the sand can only soften the drop so much; yet, you jump.

Something hurts, but you’re enamored by the sparkling surface of the water. It beckons you, inviting you to a new world beneath its surface, a place to be free of all worries and pains. A place to sleep peacefully, no nightmares or dreams to plague you. It offers you everything the world cannot.

You feel your bag drop off your shoulders, like a weight lifted. A hand takes the key out, holding it tightly as you walk towards the promise of a home. What mysteries will be answered by this new world?

You’d like to apologize to your parents for the disappointment that you are. You had neither the mental fortitude nor the drive to be a success, and you’d like to apologize to Dr Ratio for wasting a year’s worth of his time on an incompetent student like you. His time would have been better spent on honor students, not a mundane, average student like you. You are destined to be just another cog in the wheel, and once you rust, you will be thrown out just like everyone else has and will be.

You find yourself a step away from the water, just like in your dream. You think you see a door. The key in your hand burns hotter. The world pauses. You take a step.

The feeling of the liquid never comes, but being pulled does.

“Just what in the universe are you thinking?!” This voice… is familiar. This voice… Who is it? It can’t be Dr Ratio, no…

But those amber eyes, so familiar, it has to be…

But why? Why?

“I…” Words fail you, just like they always have. What could you possibly say to him? He must think you mad, unfit to graduate, unfit to live perhaps.

“Do you wish to be swallowed by the gaping abyss? For what? To prove the existence of Xuixzedlm? Do you think your life so worthless that you think sacrificing it for nothing is what will make it meaningful?!” He is… angry. You’ve never seen him like this. Dr Ratio doesn’t get angry. “So? Say something, anything, that could possibly help me understand why you’d attempt such an act of foolishness!”

“Why does it matter to you?!” You shout, wringing your arm free from his tight grip. He has pulled you far enough from the gentle ocean, far away from the door. You look back at it, and it remains floating above the water. The key is still in your hand.

“Are you so dull that you need to ask such a useless question?” He scoffs. He moves to grab your arm again, but you instinctively bring the hand holding the key to your chest, afraid that he would take it from you. His eyes, shades of intense amber, follow your hand and lock on to the key you hold. He frowns.

“Yes! Yes, I am! I am so utterly stupid that teaching me is a waste of time, that you should leave me alone! If… if I wasn’t here, then there’d be one less stupid person in the universe! Isn’t that what you want?” Are tears running down your face, or is the sky weeping on your behalf?

He stares at you, and his lips do not move. It goes on like this, until you are both drenched in the rain, clothes wet and only the tempting sound of the ocean, and the pitter-patter of raindrops blending into the dark waters. Moonlight briefly shines upon the both of you, and you see his face clear - there is no anger, only contemplation.

“If you have nothing more to say, then leave me alone.” You turn around and set your sights upon the floating door once more, the key still held to your heart. With a resolved mind, you once more walk towards the beckoning arms of the abyss, the promise of no tomorrow.

Dr Ratio doesn’t stop you until you are one foot in the water. There is a searing pain, but you are one step closer to the door, to a stagnancy that life could never offer you. You are one foot in the water when a familiar symbol appears on the door, like an eye staring at you. You are one foot out of the water when you realize what it is.

“You have lost your mind.” He says, pointedly. You struggle in his grip, but he doesn’t falter. If anything, his hold only tightens. The pain from the water is nothing compared to the pain of losing freedom.

“Let- me- GO!” You desperately push against his chest, legs swinging. Why couldn’t he just let you go? Why did he care so much? What value do you bring to him, other than more evidence that he is far more blessed than the rest of the universe ever could be?

“Struggling will do you no good. Stay still, and I would not have to restrain you like this.” He glares at you from the corner of his eye as he brings you further away from your salvation, and the final straw is when he wrestles the key out of your hand. You’re inconsolable as he takes you past the barrier, brings you to his vehicle, and takes you to the place you can only assume is his apartment.

You let him guide you to the bath and clean your injured foot with a gentleness that is unbecoming of him, and he runs you a bath all while you grieve. Both of you say nothing as he treats you like a child, and you let him bind you to the bedpost without any struggle. To struggle is to fight, to fight is to have a desire to spread your wings; you lost that the moment he took you away.

Dr Ratio, or rather Veritas as he insists you call him, has shown you such a different side of him that you don’t know what to make of it. He holds you at night like you’re lovers, kisses you like he means it. He dutifully takes care of you, and you do not respond in kind. Despite this, he treats you all the same, with no trace of the Dr Ratio you’ve known for the last year, and only of the Veritas that you’ve met ever since that night.

You never see the key again.

~~~

One day, he has packed up everything. You briefly wonder if this meant that he’d be leaving you behind, but to your disappointment, he brings you along. He has cuffed you to himself, a reminder of the rights you have lost when you let him have his way with you.

“Veritas,” his name tastes like poison. “Where are we going?”

“The IPC has assigned me to Penacony, the land of dreams.” He responds without hesitation, turning to face you. “Naturally, you’ll be coming with me.”

You want to say no. You want him to leave you here, to give you back your key, to bring you back to the sea. The scar on your foot is a reminder of what could’ve been, what he has taken from you, and you haven’t - or rather, will never - forgive him. He will never deserve your forgiveness.

“Have… have you told my family?” You whisper, your throat as dry as the sand on the beach. Your hands fidget, and you find yourself unable to look at him; but truthfully, you don’t need to. He has ensured that every part of him has been engraved into the depths of your brain, and carved into your heart.

“…There is no point dwelling on the past. I am your family now. Clinging to such bygones will only serve to erode your mind, and limit your ability to live life.” He is firm, sounding more like the Dr Ratio you knew. He holds the hand that he has chained to his own and brings it to lips, the band of silver gleaming in the sunlight. It is a reminder. A firm, cruel, reminder of who he really is.

Veritas Ratio is nothing more than an illogical, selfish, arrogant, cruel and lovesick beast who allowed his heart (if you could even call it that) to take the reins.

Veritas Ratio is nothing more than a liar.

[ivyyisbored22]

𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐝𝐞—𝘑𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯 𝘹 (𝘧𝘦𝘮) 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

An academic rivals, Stray Kids one shot

Synopsis: You and Jeongin have been academic rivals since the beginning of law school and almost every professor knows that you two are the fiercest competitors in the program. Things get worse (or heated should we say?) when your professor pairs you with Jeongin for a final project...

Warnings: SMUT🔞 (with a plot). Mature content. Semi-public sex, fingering, oral (f. receiving). Minors do not interact!!!

Note: There's not as much smut in this one compared to my previous one shots. I'm exploring my writing style but I must say I really enjoyed writing this one ^^

If this isn't your thing, you're more than welcome to skip it. Reblogs, likes, comments and feedbacks are always appreciated.

ɪ'ᴠᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴏꜰ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ɪᴛ ᴀ ᴍɪʟʟɪᴏɴ ᴛɪᴍᴇꜱ ʙᴜᴛ ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴘᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴍɪꜱᴛᴀᴋᴇ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴡʜᴇʀᴇ, ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ʟᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡ.

Word count: 3.2k

𝑬𝑵𝑱𝑶𝒀!

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

"NO!" The two of you shouted in unison at your professor.

The professor looked at you and then Jeongin unimpressed, for the first time, he was taken aback by the unprofessional behavior from both of you.

"It is important for lawyers to learn how to collaborate. When you have your own firms, you can think about competition. But now if you want to graduate, you must do this project together."

You exchanged a glare with Jeongin, his jaw clenched as tightly as yours. The room felt thick with the tension neither of you could seem to shake.

"Can't you pair me with someone else sir?" You begged your professor.

The last thing you wanted before graduating in a few months was your head on a platter thanks to the unwantedly attractive man standing next you. You were sure God was in a very good mood when creating him.

You joined the best university of Law with high hopes of having a wonderful Uni life, but the UNIVERSE had other plans for you.

Instead of breezing through your courses, you found yourself locked in a constant battle with Jeongin, your academic nemesis. Every class, every debate, every exam, it was always about outdoing each other.

Now you have to work with him. Oh dear heaven. And has your heart always raced so fast when seeing a man with dimples?

The professor shook his head. "My decision is final. If I don't get your report by the deadline, expect that you won't be wearing your graduation cap."

Was the last he said before he gestured the two of you out of the classroom. Jeongin scoffed audibly, having to pair up with you is his worst nightmare.

He hated that he had to share the spotlight with you. He hated your relentless drive and your sharp mind that often matched his own.

But most of all, he absolutely hated that he found you cute. It was infuriating how your determination and fiery spirit only made you more attractive to him.

As you walked down the hall together, with a huge gap in between, of course. The silence was heavy and deafening. You stole a glance at Jeongin and caught him looking at you, his expression unreadable, almost annoyed.

He quickly looked away, clearing his throat.

"5pm. Library. Don't be late" His voice was low and controlled, he didnt bother waiting for a reply and walked away down the hall.

And you stood there watching him walk away, muttering to yourself, "F.M.L"

***

"You clearly don't have this point right, what is it even supposed to mean?" You asked, frustration palpable in your voice.

For two hours, you and Jeongin had been arguing over the points in the project, refusing to come to a mutual understanding. The tensed murmur of your voices earned quite a few disapproving glances from other students who were at the library.

Jeongin rolled his eyes, running a hand through his hair. He was this close to taping your mouth shut with the scotch tape that was inside your pencil case.

"I do have it right. You're just not seeing the bigger picture."

"Fine, explain it to me then." You taunted.

Taking a deep breath, he leaned in closer, pointing at the document. "Here, the case precedent supports our argument, but you need to connect it to the current legislation. It's all about drawing the parallels."

Your eyes flickered with understanding, finally getting his point but you felt kind of embarrassed for not seeing it in the first place.

"Oh" You said, trying to sound neutral but mostly hiding your embarrassed voice.

"Yes, oh," Jeongin smirked, it only annoyed you more but for some reason your pulse quickened like a cheetah's sprint when you caught a glance of his deep dimple.

Get yourself together. He's your rival.

"Anyways..." you muttered, trying to refocus.

For the next hour, the two of you finally settled into a proper argument for your project and began brainstorming ideas. Despite the initial tension, you both fell into a rhythm, challenging and pushing each other in a way that brought out your best work.

Suddenly, when you reached the laptop opened on the table, Jeongin's hand softly brushed over yours. The touch was electric, sending a shiver down your spine. You pulled back quickly, your face flushing.

"Sorry," you mumbled, not meeting his eyes. Jeongin's gaze lingered on you for a moment longer before he cleared his throat.

"No problem."

The moment passed, but the charged atmosphere remained. Every time your eyes met, it was as if the air around you crackled with unspoken words.

"I'm going to um, find a book on this topic," You said slowly getting up. If you remained next to him for another minute, your heart would burst out of your ribcage.

"We have the internet for that," Jeongin raised a suspicious brow, looking at you narrowing his eyes. "Why not just look it up online?"

"Well, the library might have some unique sources," you replied, trying to sound casual as you collected your things. Besides, it’s a good excuse to get out of here for a bit.

Jeongin's eyes followed you, the intensity of his stare making your skin tingle. "Sure," he said, his voice laced with something you couldn’t quite place—was it disappointment or something else?

You could feel his gaze lingering on you even after you turned away, as you walked towards the far end of library, to the secluded section just for Law & Crime.

Even after you walked away, you could almost hear the tension humming between you.

Searching for a book in the dimly lit aisles, you tried to steady your breathing. But every small noise, every rustle of paper seemed amplified, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that Jeongin was somehow still very close.

As you were tracing your fingers the thick spines of the books, you honestly weren't browsing for any answers. You just wanted to get away from Jeongin. A long shadow fell over you, keeping you locked in place.

A hand grabbed the top shelf, you instantly recognised that watch and that ring on the index finger. You stood there without turning around but that strong minty cologne englufed you.

"Found the answers you needed?"

His voice didn't have to sound that deep. His voice didn't have to make your pulse race again. His voice absolutely did not have to make you want to press your mouth on his to shut him up.

You turned your head to the side, trying to keep your thoughts straight. "I'm still," you swallowed. "Finding it."

"For forty minutes?"

Forty minutes passed?! You were so lost in thought, you completely lost track of time. Finally you turned around facing Jeongin, the look on his face was hot enough to start a fire.

His eyes were dark and intense, his expression a mix of frustration and something else you couldn't quite place.

"Jeongin," you started, but he cut you off stepping closer, making your back press against the shelf, there was only a sliver of space between the two of you.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he asked, his voice a low rumble. "You were hiding."

You opened your mouth to protest, but the words died on your lips as his gaze pinned you in place. The air between you crackled with tension, every inch of space shrinking.

"I wasn't hiding," you finally managed, though your voice was barely a whisper, "I just needed a break"

Jeongin took a step back, crossing his arms, "From what? Me?"

You swallowed hard, your heart pounding in your chest. "Maybe."

Jeongin's eyes searched yours, and for a moment, the rivalry seemed to fade, leaving only the raw intensity of the moment. His hand fell onto your waist pulling you into him, his body pressing on yours.

Your heart began to pound again at the feeling of his touch, your hands fell on his chest, wanting to push him away but somehow your heart couldn't find a way to do so.

"You're lying," he murmured, his breath warm against your skin, "You can't stand being away from me any more than I can stand being away from you"

He turned his head and before you could respond, his lips crashed onto yours, silencing any protest. It was fierce and demanding, a release of all the tension that had been building between you and him.

Four years of frustration, competion and unspoken feelings crashing down right here.

Your eyes widened but you found yourself kissing him back just as fervently, your hands going up from his shirt, tangling in his hair as you pressed closer to his body.

Every touch, every movement of his tongue was electric, your bodies moving in perfect sync, the world around you faded away, leaving only the heat and intensity of the moment.

Teeth against teeth and Jeongin's tongue pushing against yours demanding dominance, nothing seemed to exist other than you and him. He tasted like chocolate and caramel, sweet and rich and goodness, him.

When you finally broke apart, both of you were breathing heavily, Jeongin's eyes were dark with desire, his hand still resting on your waist.

"This doesn't change anything," You whispered though your voice lacked conviction. Jeongin smirked, his thumb brushing against your hip.

"No Darling," He said brushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

"This changes everything." As he pulled you back in for another kiss.

You melted into his mouth, couldn't help but agree no matter how much you hated it. The lines between rivalry and desire had blurred beyond recognition. You could simply drown into him, wetness began pooling between your legs.

Holy fucking shit this man is an incredible kisser.

It was slower, more deliberate, each movement sending shivers down your spine. You moulded into him, forgetting about the project, the library, everything except the feel of his lips on yours and the way his hand held the side of your head with a possessive intensity.

Jeongin's hand went up your skirt, grazing your thigh, the feel of his palm on your skin made you softly moan into his mouth, he eagerly responded with a moan of his own.

He pulled back, catching for a breath before he said, "Tell me to stop before it's too late"

Jeongin's fingers squeezed your thigh making you inhale a long breath, your hands instantly pressed on his shoulders. His fingers went more upwards and stroked the thin fabric covering your wet crotch.

He couldn't suppress a chuckle as he tilted his head to the side, "Last chance darling" He leaned in closer, "Yes. Or No?"

"No," You whispered when you felt his fingers stroke your wetness again. You were gonna hate yourself later, but right now you were so aroused, no other thought made sense in your brain.

"Don't stop" You said as softly as possible and before your words fully left your mouth, Jeongin's lips collided with yours.

Every single thought vanished out of his head as he twisted the lace band of your panties and pulled it down in one strike and the next second a finger went through your wet folds.

You moaned a bit more loudly into his mouth before pulling back as you jerked when another finger entered you.

"So wet for me," He kissed the corner of your lips as his fingers worked in and out of your dripping cunt.

"Can't ignore me that easily can ya?" A sly smirk played in the corner of his lips, the way his fingers worked in you couldn't bring words out of your mouth.

"I hate you," You managed to say through a moany, whispering voice, your fingers pressing on his arms.

"You hate me, but your pussy is begging me for more," Jeongin's voice was deep and almost like growl, it made the tiny hairs in the back of your neck stand up.

There was no slowness in his pace of pumping his fingers inside of you, he went in and out and circled your clit, your back arched against the shelf.

A whimper escaped your lips, Jeongin traced his finger on your lower lip before saying, "This is a library okay?"

You had little time to fully process what he said, Jeongin pulled his fingers out of you and sank onto his knees, spreading your thighs and yanking your skirt up, he dived his face up in your wet heat.

Your hand immediately slapped close over your mouth to prevent the loud moan that threatened to escape, the sensation of Jeongin's tongue on your pussy sent sizzles rush through your body.

Jeongin felt like this was the best thing he ever laid his mouth on. The taste of your sweet pussy was so addicting, he wanted to drown in it and the scent of your arousal drove his senses out of him.

You've had your fair share of men over the years and so has Jeongin with other women, but the two of your felt like this was the ultimate answer, the missing piece of your competitive puzzle.

Jeongin's tongue expertedly licked your pussy, your hand gripped his hair, needing something to hold onto. He slowly grazed his teeth over your tender clit, you shook around him in a soft cry, the sound sent a jolt straight to his cock.

"Jeongin..." You whimpered softy, blood rushing into his brain as he heard his name in that sweetest voice.

"You taste divine darling" Jeongin gave a languorous lick, "I can simply live by eating you out"

Your head fell back at his words and at his tongue that dived inside your dripping cunt, feasting on your arousal.

Jeongin looked up at you, you were covering your mouth silencing your moans while glistening tears were leaking down from the corners of your closed eyes. He thought it was the hottest thing he ever witnessed.

He took the chance to push two of his fingers again, stretching your folds as he gave so much attention to your swollen pearl. He continued in an intense pace, sucking, licking and finger fucking, your arousal dripped down his hands and your thighs.

He lapped it all up, feeling nearly intoxicated by the way you taste.

His cock twitched and was harder than a rock, aching and begging to break free from his pants. But he ignored it even though the pain felt excruciating, he focused solely on your pussy.

Jeongin was animalistic, his mouth and fingers ruthlessly working on you to the point you could see stars erupt behind your eyes. You had never experienced something this pleasuring, it was euphoric.

He groaned into your wet heat when he felt your knees buckle, another lazily, long and languid lick was what undid you, your orgasm flooded his mouth.

You came shuddering, panting heavily. You let go of Jeongin's hair when you felt a soft tissue on your skin, Jeongin wiped and kissed your thighs and fixed your clothes.

As he got up on his feet, his hand was holding you fiercely since you were wobbling because your legs lost balance. If just his tongue and hands made your legs go numb, his cock could do beyond.

"I, oh my God—" Realization began crashing into your head like a current wave. Your academic rival just had you in the library, your cheeks flushed crimson, so pink someone could compare it to blooming roses.

Jeongin pushed his tongue in the inside of his cheek, it's impossible to resist his charm.

The Universe was in your side thankfully today, no one had walked into you— yet, but the what if thoughts couldn't stop playing in your head.

What if a professor or someone had walked in you and him? The two of you pushed your luck as far as it could have gone tonight.

Jeongin pressed onto you again, so close you could feel his bulge on you. It was so hard for him to ignore since his cock was that hard.

He literally wants to fill you right here but the smell of sex soaking the air wouldn't take a genius passing by to put two and two together.

"Still hate me?" he asked so casually, almost as if nothing had happened, as if what you both just did in the fucking library was the most normal thing in the world.

You looked away, unable to answer his question. It was impossible to hate him. You hated yourself if anything because you couldn’t hate him the way you wanted. And after the way he just made you feel right now? Hate wasn't even close to what you felt.

Every time you found a reason to, when he answered questions before you in class or got one percent of a grade above you, his infectious smile and irresistible body would dissolve your resolve.

That dimpled grin of his had a way of sneaking past your defenses, making it harder and harder to convince yourself that he was just your rival.

"I don’t hate you," You admitted quietly, your voice barely above a whisper. The words hung between you, heavy with the truth you’d been avoiding.

Jeongin’s expression softened, the usual smirk fading into something more serious, more vulnerable. "Good," he said, leaning in and pecking your lips.

"Because I never hated you either."

You met his gaze, your heart pounding in your chest as the reality of his words sunk in. All this time, the rivalry, the arguments, the competition—none of it had been about hatred.

It was something else entirely, something you both had been too stubborn to acknowledge until now.

Jeongin reached out, his hand gently cupping your cheek. "This... whatever this is between us, it’s complicated," he said, his thumb brushing softly against your skin. "But I don’t regret it."

You leaned into his touch, closing your eyes for a moment as you let yourself savor the warmth of his hand.

"Neither do I," You whispered. When you opened your eyes, you found Jeongin looking at you with a mixture of longing and determination.

"We’re still rivals," he said, his voice firm but laced with a hint of playfulness. "But that doesn’t mean we can’t have... this." His hand went down and squeezed your ass.

"This?" You echoed, your lips curving into a small smile. "You mean sneaking around in libraries and trying to pretend we don’t want to rip each other’s clothes off?"

Jeongin chuckled, his thumb tracing your lower lip as he bit his. "Something like that. But maybe we can do more than just sneak around."

Your smile widened, the tension between you shifting into something lighter, something full of promise. "I think I can live with that."

His eyes darkened with desire as he leaned in, his lips brushing against yours in a soft, lingering kiss that made your knees weak.

"Then it’s settled," he murmured against your lips. "Tomorrow, after we finish this project, we’ll figure out the rest."

You nodded, too breathless to say anything more. As he pulled away, you felt a sense of anticipation bubbling up inside you, mingled with the thrill of what lay ahead.

The two of you made your way back to the table and packed your belongings, calling it a night and exiting the library. Once you made it to the parking lot, Jeongin's eyes fell on yours, making your heart skip a beat.

"Goodnight, Jeongin," you said softly, stepping back.

"Goodnight," he replied, his eyes lingering on you for a moment longer before he finally turned to leave to his car.

As you watched him walk away, you couldn’t help but smile to yourself.

Things were definitely going to be different from now on. You might still be rivals in the classroom, but outside of it, the possibilities were endless—and you were more than ready to explore every single one.

The lines between rivalry and desire blurred beyond recognition and now there was no turning back.

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

Enjoyed this one shot? Consider checking Ribbon and/or Blaze ...or my masterlist for more. Requests? Check 𝚁𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚜 (& 𝚁𝚞𝚕𝚎𝚜)

Leave your comments ;)

Thank you for reading!

xx,Ivyy

[bambisnc]

birthday surprise ₊˚.

pairing : taehyun x reader genre : flufffff w a cute wrapping of crack <3 cw/tw : ty panics a lil bit + beomgyu is made to do labour /j + minor swearing + use of caps wc : 783 w (wrote this in one sitting a day before my bio prac hehe) notes : HO LEE SHIT i'm having exams still but ugh how could i not write a lil soemthing for tyun my lil boba eyed bee eff's birfhday 😍🫶 (posting this as soon as it's 00.00 on 5th by my timezone)

when you act super distant with taehyun around a week before his birthday, he’s confused. about your behavior, of course but also his own. he's not like this, he's the rational one, the one with the braincell so why is he overthinking this so much? you're probably just planning something for his special day, he knows that but.. he can't help but feel paranoid.. what if he’s just being conceited in thinking so? what if something's seriously wrong??

then just 3 days before the awaited day you call him up sounding all worried - saying there's an emergency and you have to leave asap and he's left reeling with shock. what do you mean an emergency?? is there a problem at work or at your uni? or worse, did something happen to someone in your family-? he can’t focus at all, practice, meetings with the manager, even his sleep is completely consumed by thoughts of you (though that’s.. not really new~)

and then it's finally the eve of the much, much awaited day. he really wasn't expecting anything, opting instead for an early night. his members were seemingly busy with a "project", which was highly suspicious and should’ve immediately raised alarm, is what he would say if you asked him later and you know, he would've caught onto it right then but busy schedules added to the constant worry about all the upcoming events and ofc you had dulled his senses considerably

but at 11.51 sharp, as if on cue, he hears his shrill ringtone from where it is kept next to his bed. it's beomgyu.

“taehyun, dude”, he says, “there's um,.. an issue. uh, yeah no it's a huge problem. we need everyone in the practice room like right now.” by now of course, taehyun did feel pretty sure of the fact that his members had something planned.. i mean “an issue at the practice room”? c'mon that was a classic, he'd literally used that same line on yeonjun's birthday last year. he’s about to let beomgyu know of this but then he hears their manager in the background.. shit okay, maybe there's actually something wrong? briefly affirming that he’ll be there, he haphazardly dresses and makes his way to the practice room...

...only to find the room dark, as he opens the door and walks in, extremely wary of his surroundings. making his way to the light switches he soon discovers emptiness. the room was completely empty. what the fuck.

he honestly felt so dazed, he couldn't help but just sit himself on the couch, somewhere between wondering if this was a dream and if not wondering why his members chose to inflict such weird pranks (?) upon him. he remains there for a good 45 ish minutes before he hears the unmistakable sound of footsteps and people, whispering in a way that was not quiet at all.

"shit why're the lights already on??" "oh yeah i called taehyun and told him to come down!!" "what. beomgyu we haven't set up anything. the cake is literally in my hands right now. you're literally holding the decorations??" "oh. huh." "gyu holy shit how could you not know????" "I SWEAR TO GOD." "guys shut up we can still salvage this if we just-"

and taehyun finds himself face to face with a shocked huening kai, an extremely guilty-looking beomgyu, you with so much disappointment adorning your face that one would think this was your surprise party being ruined and rather furious looking soobin and yeonjun.

i'm sure you can picture how the rest of the "surprise" party went. taehyun making some colorful, weirdly specific yet affectionate threats to everyone, you especially - having him worrying over nothing for a whole week, how could you?! he discovers that their manager had been persuaded by all of you to record a little audio clip you could play over call, just to make taehyun a little extra worried and a little less suspicious. well. at least, that definitely worked out huh?

but later when he has his arm around you as you cut the cake into delicate slices and beomgyu attempts to decorate the whole room single handedly, as was chosen to be his punishment, with the rest of his members, offering birthday wishes, sharing past anecdotes of various such mishaps (and it is undoubtable that there were a lot), laughing and playing about, he can't help but think maybe he prefers this more than he would a "perfect" surprise.

next year though, as he tells each of you multiple times, he'd rather it not be a surprise at all. with a smile that quite clearly said that it was very much not up for debate.

[check out my m.list for more <3]

[bapouro]

If you have the time and if it’d be fun at all, can you talk about how going to school for art is/was? Like what was bad about it but what did it make you realize about why you create? What was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? I’m just curious because I really only got into art after college age.

Hi

ive finally handed in my final project ever last friday and after somewhat recovering i can now answer u. (ill put an aside here that before i started uni, i saw a lot of the online umming and awing about art school and it being a scam etc that made me nervous going into it. i dont really think it has been for me but keep in mind im doing this in the uk. i think if i was in the usa or somewhere where it was that expensive i think youd get just about as many benefits going to somewhere like a community college instead. its worth a bit of money but not a lot of money.)

i realised while turning over your questions in my head last week how much doing my degree (illustration undergrad) during covid lockdown, illustrated (haha) the point art school had for me. and the point being that after trying to stick it out for the first few terms during lockdown, i deferred, i didnt really see the point i had already spent my entire life making art in my bedroom online for free, without somebody telling me what to do. practically what that degree offered me was physical facilities and resources, but really what i wanted it for was that vague miasma of drive and something bigger than myself to physically 'prove' myself to. i was and still am very interested in that gap between the online environment i learnt art within that felt a world away from my 'real life', and coming to meet with that 'real life' was kind of my goal. i needed both to meet on a very basic level for my quality of life. and id say i succeeded. twice now somebody i was originally mutuals with online turned out to be in my class. i live with one of them now. and i feel some pride now looking back on how much i felt like i had to separate my 'school' art and my 'personal' art during secondary school and now theyre practically one and the same. in fact one piece of advice ive kept with me from the uni tutors here is they consistently wish the students wouldnt 'hold back' so much on the kind of work they make: one of my friends, the one i now live with, was doing a tasteful furry pinup statue for a project and one of the tutors essentially asked them why the statue was being so sexually subtle with it, for example.

so what was bad about it! man... thinking about it the same reason i gave for why i came back after lockdown could also point out how flippant the reasoning was. its still a lot of time and effort let alone money to be putting into something that you dont Need an institution for. and art and academia, as much as you might try, arent going to be as neatly married as maybe STEM and academia. not that there isnt a place for it. we need it in there. but basically your work still has to get 'graded' on things so they can prove themselves as an institution so they can still get money to run. i ''apreciated'' the deadline part, for what it was, because i was(/am) a serial put-er off-er and i knew i needed something big to try and train me out of it. but the actual mark scheme and trying to work off of it is never not going to be nebulous. what the hell does it mean to 'demonstrate my awareness of the changing landscape of contemporary illustration' graded between 0 - 100 via a 3d animation. ive done pretty well. sometimes id get top marks. a couple times i wouldnt even pass and id have to do it again. the only pattern i could really see between what got those marks for me and what didnt was effort? so take with that what you will.

yea that being said, what it helped me realise why i create... i am thankful my particular course at my particular uni is so into their experimentation / medium diversity. because it proved to me again that experimenting is something i love to do. i could keep doing it forever maybe. but that also made me realise after trying to do that project after project that its only one part of the enjoyment. i couldnt sink my teeth in as much as i wanted. part of why im glad to leave is im glad to try and focus on just a few things now. take a project at my pace... reeeally get way too into it. hopefully.

what was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? mm.. i think getting to see a lot of the behind the scenes and the people actually doing illustration as a job kind of softened my glare on some art styles / ways of working i dislike. not that i Like them now but that kind of flat illustrator thing.. for some people it really is more of a job than anything else. i think thats fine. theres all kinds of other art to enjoy outside of their 9-5. i just hope they like it too. but of course it does set a precedent for what clients expect/what you feel like you should be making..? oh also i did actually end up really enjoying the couple of art essays we needed to write. reading cultural/art/etc pdf essays was something i already liked to do like reading baudrillard and ellen dissanayake and things but it was great to actually get to apply it in writing. and i think it certainly became more digestible to realise that these kinds of writers and this kind of writing wasnt some hard to penerate academia i couldnt be a part of really but turned out to be writing about things that already applied to life, whether i went to uni or not. really the whole experience... for me i felt like it was just something i needed to do. if anything just to get away from my family and make my own life. im glad i did it. but really art is art no matter where you find it. uni gave me a push to go further, i could sit around and say i couldve done it without uni but i think we overestimate ourselves. i think i couldve but i bet it wouldve taken longer and i may have experimented less, challenged myself less. who knows. just dont ever let something like that put you off art, it will always find you again eventually. im glad you got into it too.

[leilawoo]

Returning to Tumblr...

After some much needed time away from this site following the untimely loss of my original blog, I think I'm finally up for slowly rebuilding a semblance of what I had before. Although, I don't think there are as many artists on this platform as there used to be, so I doubt I'll be getting back up to over 1000 people to follow.

On my old blog I had an entire About page set up that one could get to on the desktop, but I don't think it ever once got seen so I'll make this a pinned post instead and include some short info below the read more.

I go by either Leila or Lupo. Just default to they/them with me (you can unlock extra pronouns through friendship :3). I've been using Lupo as part of my handle online for the longest time, so if you're looking for one to go with that's a safe choice.

This blog will primarily be filled with reblogs instead of original content, and mostly just of anime art (with sources of course, added by me if I have to). While I don't plan on having explicit stuff here (but it's not a non-zero chance), I'm just going to enforce that this should be considered an 18+ only space. If I think something is ecchi/nsfw/sensual it'll be tagged with #e (for ecchi); other sensitive topics will probably get a tag of some sort too.

#dalle dita del lupo = my text post tag

#dalla bocca del lupo = my ask tag

A little about me:

My most heavy interest is linguistics, specifically historical linguistics / philology, and conlanging. I'd love to talk about anything languages and if you want to know more about my conlangs please ask!

With my interest in languages came also the interest in learning to speak a foreign language. Sadly I am not fluent in any second languages yet. I had 4 years of Spanish in high school but I never used it so I've lost a lot of what I learned. I self-studied German and then Dutch to near B1 level after high school, even getting good enough at the former to understand most of what my German teacher would say when she would be teaching the class entirely in German in my intermediate classes at uni. But like with Spanish I have not used either of these languages consistently and lost a lot of what I gained. My current focus is learning Japanese, which I have been off and on at technically since middle school, but I am now taking it more seriously. Eventually I also want to learn Korean and some Chinese languages.

I got my Bachelor's degree in Cognitive Science with a computational emphasis, but this wasn't what I was accepted for in the beginning. That was Astrophysics. I'd like to return to school sometime soon to pursue higher degrees in CogSci and Linguistics, working toward doing research in what I'm calling Cognitive Computational Linguistics. I worked as a math tutor for community college and high school students for a while during my time as a community college and university student. My favorite subject to tutor was Statistics.

I'm looking to improve at programming in general but I lack any projects that I want to work on (I gained two ideas shortly after I made this post lol. They're both beyond my current ability but hey, they're something to aim for). I also only really know fundamentals in several languages and not enough to actually accomplish significant things with them. To be honest, I could really use an experienced mentor and some challenging projects to work on.

Hmm, not much else to say here. Thank you for reading, and I hope you'll stick around :3

よろしくお���いします～

[procrastinatorproject]

(Procrastinated) Home Projects

So, I have been meaning to blog more, but I find it really difficult. I have so many half-finished blog posts, mapping things, a whole new sideblog for Star Trek: La Sirena... So many things that never see the light of day because I'm a perfectionist and want everything to be perfect before putting it out into the world. But because perfection is impossible and I run out of steam before satisfying my exacting standards, I end up never posting anything at all.

I did a little bit of daily blogging in December, with my writing accountability, but then I got Covid and uni got crazy and I couldn't integrate the daily writing into my schedule properly. So that peetered out fairly quickly. But I really want to get better at Just Writing/Blogging Things, so I'm gonna make a conscious effort! And I'm gonna start with something fairly low-stakes (i.e. not my beloved fandom things that I hang so much of my heart on that it's much more difficult to overcome the perfectionist tendencies)

Introducing:

The Procrastinator's Home Improvement Blogging Adventures

For the first time in at least a decade, I have some time ahead of me in which I won't have anything I "should be doing". No term papers to write, no exams to study for, no job I'm behind on work for... I want to dedicate most of that free time to rest, recovery, and fandom stuff, but I also want to tackle a few home improvement projects that have been bouncing around the back of my brain for a good long while.

In the autumn of 2021, I started a Konmari clean of my flat. I got pretty far, actually, but then my health declined dramatically and I had to abandon it. A few days ago, I re-read the first Marie Kondo book and made a plan to take another run at this. It's not going as quickly as I might have hoped, but part of the project of the next few weeks is to not have such high expectations of myself. So this is one place where I can practice that - and chronical the journey a bit.

The second Big Project is that I'm getting a new kitchen. I'll go into detail in a later post, but my flat isn't rented with a kitchen, so if I want new appliances and furniture (which I really do), I have to organize those myself. And this summer/autumn, it's finally happening! After many, many months of thinking and dreaming and saying I'll do it but never actually sitting down and Doing The Thing.

I was at IKEA yesterday and things are finally actually in motion! Lots to do and decide, still, and a lot of stuff will require long wait times for deliveries and things. So we'll see how that goes - and I'll try to blog about it a bit here!

(Blåhaj-san sends his greetings from the IKEA shelf!)

And finally, there are a bunch of smaller things, like repairs to my laptop and Lory, my vespa, some sewing projects... All very good candidates for "just write about it instead of fretting for weeks and months!"

So, that's the idea for the next few weeks. Try to get into a habit of Just Writing Things, even if they're too long and could have been phrased better and should have been proofread and aren't as Coherent and Polished and Perfect as part of me desperately wants them to be.

Maybe this'll go well, or it'll end up being a couple of posts and then nothing else, we'll see. But it's definitely going to be an adventure, and I'm quite excited about that! Here's to a new project - and potentially a little less procrastination :D

[squarebracket-trickster]

Happy STS! Since you're on the second draft of ur WIP, how was the progress of the first draft? What are some things you learned during it? What is something you would do differently for your next first draft?

It's so rare to see a writeblr going through revisions and i find your commentary very inspiring. One day i too will be telling myself to leave the sentence be for another draft LOLLL

Oooh I love this question so goddamn much!!! (well, ig it's sort of two? three? questions.) I had so much fun answering this<3333 It was an excellent chance at reflection.

How was the progress of the first draft?

(lol I did not intend for my answer to be this long but it just kept going. But I like the idea of being very transparent about the journey because I hear a lot of nice, summed up "one day I sat down and wrote a novel, the next month I had a manuscript and started querying" stories and I think that can be really invalidating for people for whom the journey isn't that smooth if that is the only narrative you hear.)

I think I came up with the story idea some time in 2019. It was one of those, "princess runs away from an arranged marriage but [redacted due to spoilers]" concepts but at the time I was worldbuilding for other things so I put it aside for later.

About a year later, when I had not made much progress on my other WIPs (due to not having enough worldbuilding ideas to carry a fantasy or sci-fi story and banging my head against a wall trying to think up something I was happy with), I decided, ah what the hell, I'll try this instead.

I picked it because it was a simple concept--an idea fit for a standalone novel on the shorter end, with a fairly small setting and requiring little worldbuilding. It seemed like it would be good practice before I seriously tackled my more ambitious WIPs.

It still took a while to actually get writing. I tried three or four times to make an outline--one was more than 8000 words--and ended up scrapping each of them because when I got to actually writing the scenes I had outlined I found them dry and soulless. I was just going through events that needed to happen but there was no emotion, no humour, no themes, nothing. I tried to write the first chapter once or twice but I started the story too early in the timeline and lost the momentum to keep going. Finally, I wrote a scene somewhere in the middle (the one where Sorin figures out Adris is a girl) and it was the first I was actually happy with. I had fun writing it and then reading it again, and it finally felt like there was some "life" behind the plot I had been failing to outline. I rewrote that scene in both first and third person, decided I liked 1st better, and tried to keep adding to it. Then I had about 3600 words. I wrote another scene near the end (when Isadred and Firnen meet; though I changed this later) and it gave me some direction to work towards.

Then I did not touch the project again for several months.

One day in November of 2021 (NaNoWriMo month but I hadn't heard of it yet) I decided to just go for it and put a bunch of time aside to write like crazy. I started from chapter one and had two rules, 1. Start chapter one as late into the story as possible, and 2. keep it going--don't edit (not even spelling unless it is absolutely critical for me to make sense of later), if I get stuck just jump ahead to the next scene I can write, and if I don't know what happens next just ramble about everything that can't happen until I figure out a situation where that does not apply.

It worked. Really well. The next things I knew (about three weeks in) I had roughly 48 000 words. Some days I was hitting 13-14 000 words per day. Then I took a break because uni and came back to it in April 2022. Same rules, same deal. Suddenly I had 112 572 words.

I got stuck on the ending. I wrote a few scenes but didn't like them. So I figured I would just call it a finished manuscript, put it aside for a while, and come back to it when the time was right.

About two months ago I thought up part of a better ending while in the shower and a few weeks ago, just before I started the second draft I figured out the rest. So I knew it was time and I went back to it.

What are some things you learned during it?

I had a lot of fun. I laughed a lot at the banter and dramatic irony, I highlighted my favourite lines to look back on later, and I left funny comments for myself in the margins. The weird part was that I was not expecting it to be fun at all. I see so much writing content about how hard writing is and how much writers hate it, especially first drafts, and I have done my share of banging my head against a wall (especially in my other WIPs) but, for me at least, it is one thing to get stuck on a plot point, but if I am finding every single new sentence to be a struggle to get down it is probably because my story has not come to life yet. I am writing too much from a place of "hit each plot point in my outline" and not enough from a place of "you know what would be fun/gut-wrenching/shocking/funny/clever/insightful?".

Believe it or not, the middle section was the most fun to write.

I have also come to believe ardently in these commonly touted morsels of advice:

if your story is losing momentum after only a few chapters you either don't know where you are going with it or you have started too far before the inciting incident.

Name your first draft draft zero, garbage draft, word vomit (or in my case, "idk what the FUCK this it looks pretty cool tho"), and just expect utter garbage.

Don't look back, just keep going. You know that thing in improv where they do the "yes, and..." exercise? Do that.

If you are stuck on what happens next, skip that scene and go to the next. There is a chance you may not even need the scene you were stuck on. Long time skips in the same chapter are allowed.

If you don't know what to write just sit down and start rambling. As long as you know what you are trying to write towards, eventually you'll end up there and you can cut the bloat later.

Know your climatic moment before you start--not your ending, but the big final showdown the story is building to. You don't have to know how it resolves (I didn't figure that out until like six weeks ago) but know who is in your final battle and where it takes place.

Don't research. Don't worldbuild. If you need a piece of information you don't have, write [insert type of medieval ship here] and move on.

What is something you would do differently for your next first draft?

I am honestly not sure on this one... I do wish I was a more skilled writer prose-wise because my first drafts would need a lot less editing later on if descriptive, poetic prose came as naturally to me as dialogue and emotional one-liners. But all I can really do for that is keep practicing.

The only other thing I wished I had done from the start was keep a journal, log, or blog of my progress, and save some of the funny comments and [somehow our two romantic leads have to sword fight their way out of a masquerade ball in this scene while dressed to the nines] notes-in-brackets I left in the draft but went back and deleted later once I actually filled out the scene. Hence the existence of this blog now.

One of these days I would also like to develop a proper writing schedule to make more consistent progress throughout the year (instead of the random sprints of activity followed by months of not touching it that I do now). But between the ADHD and the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I don't know when that will happen.

[megumi-fm]

3/100 days of productivity

today was a strange day because I woke up feeling extremely disoriented so I had to rearrange my schedule a bit to get some extra sleep :/ but I think I still managed to cover a lot of ground today so it's okay :D

Checklist

💃 30min of Exercise 🇩🇪 20min of German (Duolingo) 📑 lots and lots of data sorting/analysis for my uni final project

Other lil things

I really needed carbs for breakfast so I made myself a salad with sprouts for dinner instead. I've applied for a three day workshop on Cancer Cell Development and Analysis; it starts tomorrow so I'm super excited!! After watching like 30min a day for the past month I finally managed to finish watching The Glory (the kdrama)!! it was so good!! I love suspense/thriller shows and it did not disappoint <3

I'm a bit annoyed that I didn't do any coding today though, i think I'll make some additional time for it tomorrow

[thistransient]

- In addition to complaining about it, occasionally I do attempt to improve my lot in life: beyond the new bicycling endeavour, I have also finally extricated myself from my Chinese tutoring (under the guise of it being temporary, but really I think the relationship has run its course), and continued going to the “rope jam” evening I tried out last month. It was very rewarding the second time, persistence pays off! However, it came to light that the host also organises a monthly artist networking night, which at first I felt unqualified for when I looked at the sign-up form (I’m not a professional by any means), but was encouraged to go regardless. Sure. Okay. But one is recommended to hand out business cards? Dress smart casual? Have some sort of established social media? I only made an IG account a few months ago, with the sole purpose of looking at plastic surgeon results (I do NOT need another app to scroll endlessly on). I have nothing resembling a brand name, I do have a lot of imposter feelings because I never went to art school (backstory: my mother is a professional artist so I grew up around it, and was on the verge of applying for an art program for uni, but ended up getting a scholarship from a different place for foreign languages and settled for that instead). I am gonna do this though, and see what comes of it. I’ve had the vague intent for years and years to round up all my projects and make some kind of proper portfolio, maybe I’ll be motivated to follow through at long last?

-  I’ve decided I am really truly done with taking language class just to stay in the country. I am going to leave and come back on a visa-free entry, and optimally find a job within 90 days, but if it takes longer than that, so be it. The destination is...*drumroll*...

Seoul. No I did not see that coming either. With Japan being ruled out on account of flight prices, and my Chinese visa being invalidated, I decided it was down to Bangkok or Manila (and possibly Palawan, as a friend from my Australia days is there visiting family). However, Bangkok simply did not spark joy, and all of the cheapest flights from Manila were red-eye (I refuse to do the sleep deprivation hangovers anymore). At some point it dawned on me that separate budget airlines to and from Incheon could be an option. My adventure/ordeal in Korea is the whole reason for the founding of this blog, and it’s been ten years since I left (without cancelling my phone plan, hopefully that doesn’t cause issues but I have a new passport now anyways). I feel it’s only fitting to return for some closure (emotionally, not of the phone plan), and experience everything anew as my current self (vs. severely depressed while working for a tyrannical hagwon boss). I was a little miffed to discover the government has implemented an “Electronic Travel Authorisation” that one must apply for to enter- it’s not a visa, and yet there’s a fee, but it’s good for two years? Whatever.

I was going to lament my dilemma of whether to keep my current guesthouse booking or try to find something cheaper on Airbnb, but in writing about it I’ve convinced myself it’s better to stick with the guesthouse- I’m not keen by any means on staying in hostel dorms at this point in my life, but I’d still like some measure of socialising, and it’s in a nice location near Gyeongbokgung Palace. I just want to wander around slowly taking blatantly touristy photos of things, and eat some good food!

[captainsy-cookiemonster]

Escape From Immortality

Summary:  It is the year 2054. Scientists have discovered a way for humans to stop aging and extend life indefinitely. In order to keep the surplus population in check, for every person that undergoes the treatment and is made immortal, another person has to die.

Warnings: talks of death

A/N: i wrote this for a project (a story we had to record on audio, only topic was the future) for uni. it’s not very good, but i still decided to post it on here. it’s not a fanfic but my first original story.i got the prompt from a prompt site, but when editing this from script to story, i stupidly deleted where i got it from, still full credit to that site for the prompt.

Word count: 1410

When I can finally close the door behind me, I wish I could just lean my back against it and slowly slide to the floor. Today has been exhausting. Instead, I toss my keys onto the dresser and toe off my shoes, then I can get cozy on the couch and think about what to make for dinner. That’s when I notice the pile of mail on the floor. With a sigh, I pick up the envelopes and shuffle through them on my way over to the couch.

“Ad, ad, bill, ad… hm?” I stop dead in my tracks. “ImmortechLabs? What the…?”

Confused and with shaking hands, I rip open the envelope and skim the letter

“Dear Miss Sutton… here at ImmortechLabs we provide our clients with eternal youth...in order to keep population stable… our client has chosen to halt their aging process, ensuing… immortality??

therefore we must inform you that you have been randomly selected… to die?!”

That has to be some sick joke!

“As compensation, $500k will be divided among your descendants –”

But I don’t even-! What the hell?!

“We understand that this might be difficult to take in.”

Uh, yeah...

“You can contact our support hot line every day from receiving this letter until your transport to our facilities, giving you two weeks to come to terms with your sacrifice.”

Sacrifice?! they’re kidding!

And what’s that about descendants? it’s gotta… they made some mistake, for sure. Now, let’s see that hot line…

I pace the living room while I wait for someone to pick up, growing more nervous with every second that passes. So nervous that I can’t help but jump when I hear the unmistakable costumer service voice from the other end of the line – not that I’m able to concentrate on what the lady is saying.

“Yes, hello, uhm… So I got this letter in the mail today telling me that in two weeks from now, you’d come pick me up? That I’ve been chosen as, uh, sacrifice? I… that’s got to be a mistake. What do you mean “No, ma’am”? Of course there has to be some mistake! Listen: I’m 25, I don’t have any descendants, no-one. who’d you give that money to? My cat? Me?”

I pause to listen to her explain.

“Yeah… thought so. So… there has to be some mistake. The system says it’s all correct like that? Nonononono, it can’t be!” I let out a sigh of defeat. “There is nothing you can do? Hm… okay well, then… thank you.”I add a muttered “for nothing” before hanging up.

I slump down on the couch, feeling discouraged, close to crying. So, that’s it. I’m gonna die in two weeks. Because some rich asshole doesn’t want to. Well, I don’t want to, either? What about me? What.about.me? My life? What if at some point I wanted to undergo the treatment as well? Why me? Why now? Why?

Before I know it, tears are streaming down my face. I don’t even try to stop them. I just take a pillow from next to me and scream and sob into it. And I keep doing that for probably hours. I only stop when my head starts to hurt and no more tears come.

The room is dark, the sun has long set. Two yellow eyes peer out of the darkness, illuminated by the dim light of the street lamp outside.

I half sniffle half chuckle, then call her over. “Come here, Luna.”

She comes running and jumps onto my lap immediately. I wipe the last tears off my face with my sleeve before scratching under her little chin.

“What am I going to do with you, hm?”

From the way she looks at me, I’m not sure if she understood me or not.

~~~

I don’t even bother going into work the next day. What’s the point anyway? In two weeks time, I’ll be dead. Why spend that time slaving for a heartless company when I can wallow in self-pity instead? So after a morning spent crying over my impending death, I decide that that’s not my future.

After grabbing my phone from the nightstand and opening the browser, I hesitate a second before opening an incognito tab.

What if they’ll find out?

But I quickly discard of that thought. The way things are now, I’ll die anyway.

Now, what to search…? Immortech escape? Ugh, no, that’s not what I’m looking for. Noo. Again. Come on! there’s gotta be something.

Oh, there’s a whole forum for that. Looks sketchy, but I guess in this case...Is it a good thing?

I read in horror as I learn about people who were dragged out of their homes screaming and crying if they resisted to go with the Immortech people willingly. How sometimes people would just disappear before the two weeks between the letter and pickup had passed. How in a few cases, people were being watched and followed before they were taken. I remember back in school, kids would come in crying one day, saying their mom was taken. They would be scolded for it and told to go to the principal’s office.

You’re not allowed to mention the letter or that you have been selected. I don’t understand why, though. It’s not like they can punish you for it when you’ll die anyway. So why that rule? So people can’t protest against it? If it’s all hush hush?

But then there were reports, all without naming names of course, of people successfully escaping. Sometimes it was even described how they did it. Apparently Immortech’s ‘headhunters’ how they called them, aren’t allowed to operate abroad. So as soon as you cross a border, you’re safe!

They would chase you, it was dangerous, but ultimately you can escape and survive.

So I could do it. I could make it. And I’ll risk it.

Before I begin to pack, I sneak up to my window and watch the street outside, looking for any suspicious cars or other signs that I am being watched. Luckily I can’t spot one now, but I’ll better keep checking every now and then. Better safe than sorry, right? Especially because my life literally depends on it.

I have to be careful about it, I can’t seem suspicious. I will have to make it look like something casual, like going shopping or a weekend getaway and then just… not return. I’ll have to find a way across the border, somewhere I won’t be controlled.

~~~

Okay, what do I need? Cash, definitely. I can’t pay with card, they’ll track it. Good thing you can’t trust banks anyway. I’ve got most of it here. Clothes, some food and other necessities. Luna’s crate, food for her and – thank god she’s harness trained! Then I’d need -

But what if they find me? What if I wasn’t sneaky enough? What if everything goes wrong?

The more I think about it, the more I am paralyzed with fear. Hundreds of scenarios of what could go wrong run through my head.

[drop gum]

That’s what it takes for me to snap out of it. Quickly, I pick up the can of cat food, put it into the bag to the other ones and look around. Okay, looks like I’ve packed everything in the kitchen.

~~~

At night I get everything in the car, double checking if I have all the things I need and if the car is fully charged before going to bed. Tomorrow morning at dawn, I’d be out of here.

I sleep better than I would have expected, but still wake up at four in the morning, more antsy than ever. I get ready as I normally would, just in case I’m now being watched, stuff my last remaining things into the final bag before picking up Luna from her little pillow and getting into the car.

At first I drive around a bit to make sure I’m not being followed, glaring suspiciously at every car that I can spot in the rear view mirror. When it doesn’t seem like I am, I head into the direction of the highway and, with a clear rear view mirror, in the direction of my freedom.

[issybaker]

UNIT 1 - EVALUATION

My project was inspired by what I experienced on the bus everytime I went to University and wanted to find out if other people experienced the same things I did. To figure this out I made a survey and sent it out to the course and the results further confirmed that there is a very big difference in mood on the way to university and the way home.

When I was originally planning my final outcome I wanted to make a double sided flipbook, where if you went left to right it showed the journey to uni and if you went the other way it showed the way home. However, I had to make adjustments  as I would not have been able to complete it in time. Furthermore, then it would have looked very messy doing double sided pages as the paint and pens bleed through the page. Because of this I decided to just make the flip book go one way and added a clock in the middle to show the change in direction of the bus. When I finished the book and flicked through it I realised you couldn't see the whole page which was a bit disappointing so I decided to take a photo of every page and turn it into an animation. I'm really happy with how this turned out.

I think I managed my time reasonably well throughout the unit as I had lots of time to complete my final outcome and did not have to rush it towards the end.Looking back I think maybe I could’ve spent more time on research as I was stressed about not having time to finish the final outcome. 

I received lots of feedback about how I will show the difference in mood and emotion and I spent a lot of time thinking about what colours I will use and how many people there will be on the bus to show the contrast between the way there and the way back. I chose dark and bleak colours for the way there and only one person sat alone on the bus. For the way back I had a bright coloured sky with blues, yellows and pinks and had people sat together on the bus to show the difference.

I think I definitely need to practise more with experimenting during the design process instead of just jumping to my first idea. This is definitely something I want to work on during my next projects.

Throughout this unit, I've attended many workshops that I've really enjoyed. My favourite workshop was definitely the risograph, this is definitely something I would like to use more in the future. The book binding workshop inspired me to create a book sleeve for my flip book. I think this really elevated the way it looked, it made it look more professional and finished.

When reflecting on my flip book, the improvements I would want to make was adding more drawings throughout the book so it flows better, some of the pages jump forward a bit too much. I also wish I had added something in the book to show them arriving at uni, for instance maybe a couple drawings of the uni bus stop. I think this would have emphasised that it was a journey to university.

[lairai]

2022 Art Summary

I've never been super keen on the "gallery-style" image/art summaries that people often do, because I a) never have enough art to give each month its own piece and b) I can never figure out a layout I like. So I decided to instead do a sort of "look back at 2022", in text form with images where it matters.

Beginning of the year

This year was a wild ride for me, art-wise! I took a landscape-painting course at the beginning of the year (I'd love to recommend it but it's on Wingfox which, last I checked, was borderline unusable, so until they make it work I can't recommend people spend money on stuff there), and did a bunch of landscape commissions. Here are two I'm particularly happy with! (Watermarked because due to the way backgrounds are formatted in ARPGs they don't have my signature)

I decided to try using gamut masks for my colour palettes instead of just kinda winging it based on a handful of reference images. I know not many people use them, probably due to how many steps they add to an art piece, but I've always kind of struggled with having the confidence to use less 'usual' colours in my paintings so they really helped.

Summer (kinda)

And then my old PC died! :') I had been looking to replace or upgrade it for a long time but never quite had the time for it, so I guess it decided to do me one last favour and completely cease to work so I could finally get myself to buy a new one (after 5+ years of owning this one). It took weeks to replace it, which I think was the longest time I spent without drawing in... quite a while. Eventually, as we learned it would take longer and longer for the new PC to be assembled, I moved my drawing tablet to a different PC temporarily and started working on a particularly ambitious piece:

I am honestly so proud of this image - both because I like how it turned out overall, and because drawing these two was the one thing that really made me want to learn how to draw people (and, more specifically, men). I had done the usual "pose studies, quick sketches, anatomy studies, looking at references" routine, but I always dropped it because I just didn't have the motivation to keep learning something I saw I was so obviously bad at initially. But then in Realm of Serpents, these two happened, with just the cutest story that somehow wrote itself without anyone planning it beforehand. And I just had to draw them. So here we are.

Autumn

In autumn, in a group I help run, we launched the biggest change the game has ever received: we gave it a lore-based, story-focused progression system. If you're not in any ARPGs or aren't familiar with how they work, this might mean very little to you, but just imagine like a year and a half of writing, 80k+ words, and art assets on art assets on art assets. I'm very proud of how some of these turned out. They had to be done in just a few hours each for me to get everything finished on time, and for how little time I had to spend on them, I'm not unhappy with their final look:

Winter

Winter was busy. Partially I was really tired from finishing the project I mentioned above, partially I was writing my second BA thesis on top of studying at a second uni for a completely different degree. I didn't get a lot done, but that didn't stop me from sketching my two favourite Fools Who Are Terribly In Love:

And now we're here! I tried a lot of new things with my art this year. I'm still getting the hang of human anatomy, and I know some of my human sketches look a bit wonky still. But I think diving into a new subject, knowing you won't get it right the first dozen (or hundred!) times but also knowing it'll pay off in the end, is kind of what art is all about. Happy New Year!

[tobuo]

dhhshshs dumping a list of things i really should do here that’s just been rattling around in my head but that i can’t bring myself to do for some reason idkkkk maybe im just a weenie. under the cut bc i guess it’s kinda heavy

actually make an appointment with my gp to talk about my anti sad meds bc the insomnia and restless is killing me and also they are not making me not sad anymore and im tired of crying myself to sleep and feeling like a failed human bc my brain won’t make its own happy chemicals

prob make an appointment with my therapist again too AND see if she can rec somebody to finally work thru my disordered eating tendencies slash food and body issues with

actually text people i miss like my old uni housemates or ppl i used to go to cons with rather than just pining about them

speaking of this ACTUALLY i want to hang out with someome irl other than my bestie so much. love her but i miss having friends. to do things with

probably maybe actually try for an official adhd diagnosis rather than my therapist’s unofficial one so i can get medicated and actually function and do things even tho i doubt the nhs will make that easy sighhhhh

idk put more energy into my small biz bc i can’t complain im broke and just barely scraping by when it feels like i’ve barely made an effort with it

take myself on more solo dates rather than just sit in my room on my own with the door closed whenever im not out running errands

actually get myself to work on creative projects again and not just give up immediately bc it’s hard

idk i always really wanted to stream games and i tentatively tried and felt too shy but idk maybe i might try again

idk im just. being stuck at home living with my dad n stepmum and having no money and hating my body and my self in general and being terrified of life and doing anything is shitty and i wish it was my turn to be happy and enjoy life instead of just Survive and exist but im not sure im strong enough yet to do what i need to get to that point

im rambling sorry im home alone and sad and i jsut need to post SOMEWHERE it feels like someone might listen. sorry sorry sorry for always posting this kinda stuff, it feels like all y’all do is have to reassure me and listen to my negativity and i don’t wanna trauma dump or whatever on y’all fhshshs

i’ll tag all these with “kai sad hours” from now on so u can block if u want

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

i agree with this. as someone who at 16-18 in 2012 and 2013, selected to do entertainment industry as part of her hsc/end of high school exams bc she thought there'd be no maths or next to no maths in it...... but was then surprised that: shock! horror! she had to know how to budget for a music festival project!! all so that she could have a decent festival line-up AND audio equipment for the bands/musical artists to play..... in the actual exam, i had to calculate power loads of lighting setups in a multiple choice question (i just looked at this for this post for shits and giggles lol).... but i guessed this question. you DO need maths. and this was at TAFE. i.e. technical college. where a good load of the courses need- yep, you guessed it- M A T H S.... to some extent.

for someone who had a friend, who at that time was training to be a primary school teacher.... but that friend decided to drop maths bc "it's ruining my schedule and marks, and i won't need it to teach year 2 students!" you DO need maths. here's an article about how aussie student teachers are failing the necessary maths test to get into teaching (and i relate to this bc the woman they interviewed for the article gave up in year 9 maths). unfortunately, you DO need high school level maths to teach any level of schooling. be it from kindy to year 12.

as someone who was dumb enough to try to do CHEMISTRY in her hsc without maths in her schedule.... before the careers counsellor at the public school she moved to said "NO. that's a terrible idea. impossible, actually.".... so, instead she had to settle for biology (which she only passed by the tiny miracle of mark scaling in my final exam.... she HATED bio lol) at the school she moved to.... bc her year group either wasn't offered senior science or not enough people selected senior science for it to run.... or that that school had no funding at the time for a senior science class for my year (much like drama)..... YOU FUCKING NEED MATHS.

i got told at business college in 2014, by my trainer, that i had to fix up my maths skills.... bc all of the fake numbers i was using for estimated fake quotes for ad agency fees in some assignments.... and the marketing budget figures i was pulling out of my ass were "all wrong" and "you can't do that in a marketing firm in the real world." but i could do it there.... just so he could have a laugh at my godawful, totally out of proportion, guesstimation skills. mind you, I did that marketing course instead of doing the uni like prep course at my local uni's "uni college" bc that needed at least baseline year 10 maths or year 11/12 general maths- I can't remember now.

my hatred/loathing for maths came from the perceived perfection they wanted in book work. why bother trying, if i was ALWAYS made into the "so, kids. this is the WORK WE DON'T WANT in your books!!! do NOT be this person!!" example in front of the class, ranging from primary school til year 10 in 2011???? it just made me give up and toss it aside; and be like "y'all motherfuckers can go fuck yourselves. my book work does NOT have to be accurate or perfectly neat at ALL, if i'm not going to be an engineer or a mathematician. so fuck you" so, it was better for me to drop it in years 11 and 12 so I didn't have to put up with this bs in maths for 2 more years.... and also so i didnt have to deal with it in maths class at a new school, to boot.

unfortunately, however, any lower jobs or even office jobs, want me to be at least numerate. but i have no idea how to use a calculator to calculate percentages. i have no idea how to convert measurements or distances. word problems always fucked me up in school.... but it's 10 times worse at 28; when you do a bs aptitude test for a job and I have no fucking idea what the actual fuck the word questions are asking.... or how to do a ratio question such as:

that i got in a job test JUST LAST WEEK..... even means. like what the fuck???? what the fuck is this??? why the fuck do I need to know this garbage just to do an admin traineeship??? fuck off. but unfortunately i have to know it..... but i have zilch idea of what the fuck it means, and what the answer is, or how to work it out. so i just blind guessed the answer as 1/2 or 1/3. or whatever the fuck the answers were.

an airforce job i looked at the other day (only bc it said NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED); said i needed a pass at least in year 10 english, science and maths. although i more than definitely had a pass in year 10 english (around a B a i think in my semester 2 report of 2011) and a pass- around a C grade- in year 10 science (although it asked specifically for the physics unit.... which i have FUCK ALL idea what i got in that portion of year 10 science)..... but what was my maths grade for year 10???? E grade- basically an aussie F for americans. it means/t elementary. if you're wondering. i always tried to get everyone to high 5 me for failing maths throughout high school.... including my year 7 and 9 naplan tests... that were, and still are, national literacy and numeracy tests. i was in the guinea pig rollout group for these tests, unfortunately. in both year 7 and 9 naplans, i got band 1 (the worst mark) across the board, in both of the maths papers: with a calculator and without a calculator... but my english marks were ALWAYS in the high band 7s and 8s- about average or slightly better than average.

but you get the point. my numeracy and other maths skills are fucking abysmal. all because i REFUSED to do anything in maths from about year 4 in 2005, onward.... but alas. however, it's cost me a huge detriment. i don't know how to use excel, AT ALL, because i'd make my dad do those "worthless" 5% assessments about excel formulas and spreadsheets..... bc "it fucks with my brain. therefore i dont have to do it. and also, i'll be a trophy wife and famous by 25.... so i'll ALWAYS have someone to do this bullshit maths for me, anyway. so why even fucking bother doing it, lmao???" (i'm just soooo ~funny and edgy~, arent i???) but i still lie through my teeth on my resume, to say that i have basic functional skills on excel..... but they're all around text formatting and word art and table formatting (lol)... basically all about making it look pretty (oh and mail merge picked up last year). but NO real maths skills. NO interesting skills around vlookup or more advanced excel usage skills.

even though i had a professor that liked me (or seemed to like me) in sociology at uni, who told me that i belonged in sociology bc of my personality..... i actively avoided it. bc it meant i had to relearn year 10 statistics for the "social research methods" subject that EVERYONE hated in the sociology major/minor. bc after all, we were arts students (lol not lol). i actively avoided psychology electives and avoided a business degree and majors/subjects for the same reason. in philosophy - YES EVEN PHILOSOPHY - i had to interpret graphs and tables bc some of the fields we did/i chose overlapped into the sciences (e.g. psychopathy in ethics (i think) or social cognition in philosophy of mind i think).... those were the subjects where i realised i had no idea how the fuck to read graphs anymore.... so i'd purposely skip over those pages.... even if they were the crux of the article i had for a reading.

stop trying to avoid maths forever. unfortunately, it's impossible. one day i'll have to apologise to my year 9 and 10 maths teacher from catholic school (who i actually graduated uni with back in 2018 bc she went back to do something else in sociology i think) and beg her to teach me from year 4 onwards..... or maybe year 3 onwards. bc i dont even understand basic fractions around adding and subtracting lol.

people will whine 24/7 about anti-intellectualism on tiktok but then turn around and say "i don't need to know math i'm never going to use this in real life"