#i love you super mcelroy bothers.

[natjennie]

I was as surprised as anyone! I was as surprised as anyone that I did that! I'm as hurt- I'm as hurt as any of you that that happened!

[nochiquinn]

campaign 3 episode 34: derd

if liam and ashley aren't at the table at the start of the episode I will simply walk into the ocean. I refuse to engage with it.

tonight's supposed to be just under 4 hours and idk why that makes me more nervous than a super-long one

everyone trying to keep frozen while they laugh hysterically (and failing)

taliesin's holding it together the best

oh no there he goes

robbieeee

I once again do not have my earbuds in so I just see sam pop up in the subs going "Wow!"

laura's really pretty tonight

marisha's shirt is going to bother me tho (weird necklines give me second-hand sensory weirdness)

"no wait I have to iron my cat"

"shut up MATT"

show me the table, I need to know how bad it's gonna hurt

oh okay. full table. ….that will probably be worse

fcg: I am just a little creachure

AEOR

oh the way matt said "him"

OH NO

oh no

ELVEN FATHER

hey maTT

I'm gonna puke

"their" WHOMST?

no fearne and orym memories T_T

going to la to fight matt in a denny's parking lot

NO

hey dice gods turn on your location

matt it has TRULY been 15 minutes

"we're the dm now"

I don't know why I thought I could work during this

chetney with one of those sensory chew necklaces

I am ashley

honestly about to go get my emotional support piplup

"now it's a normal-size party" shut the hell your mouth

try to steal from her

"I hate this game"

"fearne" "[gay fear]"

"okay bye ashley"

ASHLEY JOHNSON

"geeze louise"

"it's like carrying a toddler" nancy 😔

"what do you mean orym's dead." just the flat anger

liam if you make orym stay dead bc grief reasons I will fucking fight you

"why would I have a diamond" "because you steal everything"

hi I hadn't actually teared up until now

ashley fucking goddamn johnson

laudna wake up, I don't like this

laudna broom

I appreciate the sentiment on the gas can but I do not believe him

the worst part is that's true

mariSHA

"she stole my coin didn't she"

oh I knew she was gonna swerve

"we can be mad at the changebringer later"

liam o'brien I will fight you in a parking lot

hello 911 liam and matt are murdering me

"you're not done" like fucK YOU

the little whispery voice for will I'm gonna fkcing

"fearnie" fu ck

MARISHA GET BACK IN THAT FUCKING CHAIR OR SO HELP ME

WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T WANT LIAM AND ASHLEY TO LEAVE THE TABLE THAT DIDN'T MEAN THIS

oh don't say it that way he'll break in half

chet

I mean you're valid but

"we clearly threatened you"

"little bitch signal"

whispersss

this is an extremely griffin mcelroy ad read

he forgot to draw his angry eyebrows on first

"I really wanna punch a wall right now" "why do that when his face is right there?"

orym

give him advantage, he stabbed him in the foot

T_T

wait didn't caleb have a thing

alternate timeline ghost thing

my guy they cannot protect themselves from her

use ur wood chetney

I literally only just noticed sam has painted nails

"it only makes sense when she does it" and only barely then

dbza voice: maaaahogany

travis

I miss dariax

matt: it can replace material components

matt: HINT HINT

beacon juice

"I trust ashley johnson, ashley johnson told me she doesn't trust ashley johnson"

Illegal Airport Patdown

all I ever think of is "that's not how you measure pants!"

this is the same day as Angry Eyes???

matt what u do

;-;

RTA

my heart needed that

"god it's awful. I love it!"

"aren't you an orphan?" "…I'm gonna give you ten seconds to work that out."

was it fucking wizard hubris again

taliesin's voice rn

wonder if the Theme of this campaign is being dramatically altered against your will

if not physically then emotional trauma changing how you interact with/see the world (these are not mutually exclusive)

[ducks from the imodna shipper shrapnel]

oh. OH.

delilah would fully zombify her wouldn't she

or it's like a salt circle against delilah possession

"also: u in danger girl"

I desperately need to see travis' etsy search history

"doomsday clock is at Concern"

"this thing is for toddlers!"

"get it off of laudna"

I'm gonna miss Joe

tag urself I'm shady sally

chetney

"grab the kids, I want them to see!" why is that so cute tho

[mighty nein voice] up!

[sizablelad]

i feel like writing down media i’ve engaged with that’s brought me joy because i’m in that headspace right now. been working my fucking ass off on school work and need to think about things i like to spend time on because i like them.

- magnus archives: one of the most bone chilling and fantastically written stories i’ve ever experienced in my life. to a certain extent, tma changed my outlook on all media. i cannot overstate how much this show means to me, even if i don’t always display it.

- taz: just finished balance and i realized i had become so emotionally invested in these characters that i was genuinely grieved when i realized the balance arc was truly over (on to amnesty!). i also never had been touched by the catalogue of griffin mcelroy music and i am thoroughly enraptured by his talent. his music is mesmerizing.

- rqg: another fantastically written narrative/mystery. i envy alexander jalexander nalexander’s skill and deft hand when it comes to gming. i aspire to a tenth of his prowess.

- spn: …..go look at my other blog. is this exposing myself on main? idk.

- shades of magic: this series was my first experience with adult fiction, so while it’s a wonderful series on its own, personally it opened a door to a whole world of books i had no idea i could read

- first season of glee: i like to think i have no shame about my trash, but i do harbor a lil bit of shame with this one. eh. anyway, kurt’s character and, honestly, most of his arc up until (i think, i watched it too fast to be able to remember seasons) season 3 is really important to me. i don’t know, it just means a lot.

- come from away: no deep personal meaning, i just love this show.

- les miserables: see above.

- idk how: saw them recently bc of a friend and now i’m SUPER into their music. much enjoy.

- orville peck: this one does have some sentimentality. the schrodinger’s camp of his cowboy persona is something i find so beautiful it’s hard to describe. seeing him embody his character is something so awesome in the biblical sense when i think about it i have a hard time quantifying it to myself.

- fight club: i had already read quite a lot of adult fiction when i read fight club, but fight club presented a lot of ideas by working to its medium’s advantage (honestly, i’m amazed at how brilliant the movie did the same exact thing, playing to the advantage of film, due to the fact it was adapting material that played to the advantage of writing) and being an incredibly thoughtful, yet also aggressive piece of literature

- lisa: another one that blew my mind by presenting ideas that worked with the medium it was using to punch so much harder than it would have.

- skyrim: rpg video game trash. MY trash. the junk food of video games.

- folding ideas’ filmography: i love his humor and the way he covers media. 10/10

- undertale: i just recently played it because i’m a lazy shit who just never bothered to play. so it hasn’t had the chance for me to sit and ruminate in my thoughts about it. therefore, i don’t know if it belongs on this list with other things i’ve had time to marinate with. but i did recently play it and i did have a great experience playing it! the fingers in his ass meme fucking ruined my asgore boss fight. fuck you all.

[mcnuggyy]

when did you get into the mcelroy boys? ive been following you for forever and i just now realized your basically a taz blog now lol

Okay so, not to get too personal, but when I first got my job at D*sny about a year ago, it was really nice and I was super excited but, it was my first job ever, I had just graduated college, and was still figuring out how to navigate being out as trans to other people. So overall, i was a very anxious sweaty depressed mess fjfjfj, I would drive 2 hours to work every day, and 2 hours back, and 8 hours drawing in a quiet office... soo lots of time alone with myself and my thoughts, it wasn’t very good for my mental health, but I also didn’t want to fail ya know? I was a temp and I knew I could be more if I worked hard! But I was really starting to spiral and just be really really sad... I tried listening to music and that helped a bit but it was still often me and my thoughts. Then one of my friends was talking about how he just got into taz and it sounded interesting and I had seen really cool art for it before but for some reason I never really decided to listen until then. And well, taz just really lifted me out of this dark hole I was in, binged all of balance I’m about a week or two, and idk?? I felt like my creativity and motivation come back? I was reminded of how much I love being dumb and kind? And I just felt my mood improve overall, then from there I started listening to mbmbam and watching monster factory, next thing I know I’m listening to badvertizing too (also then realizing it was the same Penny Parker from the sonic fandubs and losing my marbles over it) and then basically consuming anything McElroy adjacent fjfjjf, but yeah!!! podcasts saved my life LMAO 😤💪 this is so cheesy but like genuinly as a sad gay bitch with extreme loneliness, finding taz was wonderful for my creativity, my sense of wonder, storytelling, all that shit. Like I have never wanted to draw so bad after consuming media before, but taz just like?? Makes me wanna draw?? And make stories again?? ye!!!

(Oh and don’t even get me started on how taz grad has been helping me through losing my first job, a pandemic, having to live with my somewhat transphobic parents, poverty, etc. etc. like I’m not even bothered!! I’m just listening to podcasts and vibing 😎✌️)

[fenkko]

it’s been a while but here’s another batch of asks!! thank you for sending them in

photoshop and a wacom cintiq! i’ve had it since 2016 and i love it very much

thank you!!! hmm i’m not sure if i have any tricks to it, but i think that getting in the bnha fandom has been the best thing for my art and motivation in a long time. having a passion for something helps a lot! i kind of have a problem on the opposite end where i get too excited about drawing and draw hours into the night, which isn’t good for my health;; 

something that works for my art process is gathering all my drawing ideas and cool reference pics on my phone and then sketching whatever i feel like sketching! it helps so that i always have different things to draw and i don’t feel obligated to force myself into finishing a piece if it’s just not working, but it also means i have a bunch of months old wips lying around ahaha

i still get artblocked though, i think that’s goes for everyone. when it feels like nothing’s coming out right in a drawing i’ll go work on a different wip, doodle silly things i’m not going to post anywhere, or go take a walk/watch some videos/read a webcomic and return when i’m feeling up for it

for your other question i don’t think i’ve ever had trouble with confidence posting things, even at the beginning where i wasn’t very good haha. it could be helpful to think of it as just posting for yourself to document all your artwork, and think of positive feedback as a bonus!

usually i’ll get stuff from google images, but sometimes i take my own! nothing fancy, just setting up my phone camera on a timer and taking a pic if i need a pose reference

i look really weird doing it jgfdsf but it’s very helpful

i think people think of it different ways but i use it to describe the clean up stage! like in this post for example ��– first i start with a rough sketch, color it with flat colors and sometimes a bit of shading, and then merge the layers and start defining areas, redrawing lines, adding filters. it’s easier for me to start with different layers so that i can fix stuff quickly, and then begin rendering with the final touches on a single layer when different layers become more troublesome than useful

ahh i’m probably not the best person to ask because i focus a lot more on deku :’) i think bakugou’s still very immature but he’s getting there? maybe? i’d have to reread

i’m glad his classmates at UA aren’t totally accepting of his behavior like his middle school lackeys, hopefully that helps him grow up a bit. i haven’t watched all of naruto but something that bothered me was how everyone took sasuke seriously even when he was being ridiculous. someone please make fun of this dude and his terrible judgment,,

for me bakugou’s in this weird grey area where his actions are too exaggerated to really think of him as a real person and seriously analyze his character (which sounds silly because they’re all cartoon characters, i hope this makes sense haha) so the way i depict bakugou and his relationship with midoriya + his classmates is more jokingly, or maybe idealized? idk i think this is a complicated way for me to say that i like to draw comics that make fun of bakugou HGFJH (which is probably why i like bakusquad stuff the most out of all bakugou content)

i’d really like a scene where bakugou apologizes or directly faces the consequences of how he treated midoriya but i have the feeling we’re not going to see that;; he’s probably going to stay a bit of a turd for the rest of bnha

also since i think it’s relevant to my thoughts about their dynamic, here are the tags from my last drawing of them! #edit: i got a few messages asking me if i ship bakudeku and i dont. sorry to mislead!! #i drew them more friendly than usual which is probably the closest i’ll get to actual ship content #to be honest i don’t draw even the few pairings i do like more explicitly romantic than them standing next to each other bhfjgh #drawing romance is usually less fun than drawing people doing friend stuff #or in this case #bakugou getting bullied by a pomeranian

ahh i’m actually wondering that myself :’) i think the big question is whether to go for a company that handles most of the work themselves and gives you a bit of profit, or open a store yourself and have to spend time packaging your own things. i’d really love to do the latter since i want to be able to control the quality, but i’m not sure if i have the time to manage it the way i’d like

not currently but i finished the ones i already had, so possibly in the near future! the last time i opened them was just on instagram, so i’ll remember to let you guys know here as well :D

@madeline-makes-stuff i’m not super active on discord but i’m in this bnha art server!

ahh i feel kind of weird talking about follower counts so probably no raffles or events like that, sorry;; 

i’m currently attending carnegie mellon university in their school of art!! northeastern is pretty close to my home though so i’m familiar with it –– i was actually accepted there as a game design major and they sent me some valentines candy in a husky box, it was really sweet :’)

aw i haven’t listened to any episodes in a while but it’s still very dear to me! i’m planning to draw some taz this month B) i love all the stuff the mcelroys make, especially monster factory!

and that’s it for now!! also wanted to say thank you so much everyone for your kind asks, they’re all really appreciated HFJGHF;; i keep them all in my inbox and in my heart

[tennisnightwhenthesungoesdown]

Day 15 -Saturday

It's the moooost wonderful daayyyyyyyy of the yeeeearrrrrrrrrrrrr 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🙌🏼🎉🙌🏼🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Golly golly golly golly gosh 🙏🏼

Today is the day of the Candlenights show 🙏🏼 The reason for the season 🙏🏼 The most excellent thing in the world 🙏🏼

Luckily, it is a fuckin gorgeous day out there so we were in for a treat :)

We got ready to go, and walked to the Australian coffee shop from yesterday to get breakfast, because we have run out of cereal and we ran out of milk a few days ago and we have absolutely nothing to eat for breakfast, and the Australian coffee shop seems to be the only place in town other than the Starbucks where you can get like a muffin or something :o

So we went and there were even more Australians that time! And then I got sad and worried that the queue would already be huge and we'd get terrible seats and my short ass wouldn't be able to see, but that was super dumb! Because we got there at like 11:45 for a show starting at 4pm and we were in a pretty darn good spot! Maybe 40-50 people were ahead of us? In a theatre seating a couple thousand people :)

And we had a lovely fun waiting time! It was a lovely sunny day and we were in t shirts and no jackets??? We had thermals under the tshirts but still! No jackets! And we put on sunblock! Yay! :) The folx around us in the queue were super lovely and we had a fun time listening to MBMBaM and CRJ and eating the snacks we packed and the free sandwiches that Jimmy Johns came around offering to everyone :)

I think Kate got a bit bored but I didn't feel like three hours passed at all :)

Three o'clock came and we were all let in and we boomed through, parted from our queue friends, and got the best forking seats in the house right at the front on the ground level, on the side, next to the aisle 😍 Those boys were riiiiiight in front of us talking right at us y'all it was amaaaaaazing 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Of all the shows I've ever seen this is like by far the thing that means the most to me, like I listen to these guys basically every single day, they're my car and transport buddies, they're my pals who I know a lot of stuff about but they don't know shit about me!

It was so wonderful being there and the show itself was amazing like they were so on form and we got four podcasts for the price of one! We got Still Buffering talking about the third Christmas Prince movie, we got Wonderful! talking about wonderful things about Huntington, we got a Christmas radio play featuring all of the McElroys and more including Dwight Slappe -beloved cohost of Things I Bought At Sheetz-, and then we got MBMBaM🙏🏼 Gorgeous 🙏🏼

I borrowed lots of cash from Kate to by every mechanise available because who knows when we'll get to see these boys again! And we waited for ages after it had finished, just soaking in the pack-down :P And when we left the theatre we got to see Travis at the bar across the street and say hi as we very coolly walked past, as if we hadn't been standing across the road trying to decide how to interact with Travis for like five minutes before that 😎👌🏼

Every restaurant in town was overrun because apparently folx hadn't realised such a big show was gonna be on that day, so we went to the cute diner with pink and blue chairs we saw the other day, and I had an incredible and very cheap meal, and Kate had a pretty cheap and just okay meal :) But it was very fun being in a restaurant with just McElroy fans in it pretty much :P

Then we went back to the bookstore before it closed, and the bookstore worker guy was super excited that we came from New Zealand to visit Huntington and ended up chatting to us like either past the time they were supposed to close or right up until the time without seeming bothered by this :)

We had a lovely walk home and that was our lovely day :)

Gosh dang it was nice ^_^

[teruthecreator]

💘 for macknerva!!

anon, you are a genius. you’ve basically just sent the magical question that has now unlocked for the world: macknerva origin story (bc honestly i realized i just start posting abt it without rlly explaining it??? and someone people are loving it??? so thank yall for being my ultimate favs but u deserve this origin) 

also this is several days late (thank u Depression) and also super long (thank u Dumb Brain) so i hope you can forgive me for both of these things   

💘: who developed a crush on the other first? 

it’s time we take it back....Back To The Start.  

so since this is my magical world of My Own Personal Canon (since i stole griffin mcelroys rights), minerva ends up in Kepler in a completely unnamed and not talked abt manner (bc im too tired to explain my general alternate theory hgkgldlgbfhke but busically she just got on a ship to earth to avoid dying) and is staying with duck until further notice. she doesn’t mind laying low at duck’s apartment until they’re able to figure out Everything and get her set up w a place of her own (spoiler alert: that never happens, but duck won’t admit he just misses having a roommate so they let it slide). 

after about a month (which feels like eons in minerva’s mind), she starts to get antsy. she’s already been introduced to the pine guard and amnesty lodge, by this point, so she’s constantly trying to hang out with someone so she isn’t stuck in duck’s apartment all hours of the day. 

which is how minerva ends up in the cryptonomica the day kirby has to run into his job at the theatre for a good portion of the day. it’s pretty empty in the shop--i mean museum, so it’s not like ned minds (plus him and mack have already struck up an agreement, which i explained in a previous post abt ned and macks friendship) especially when minerva’s around to willingly pick up the slack. 

but this second job has minerva curious: 

minerva: I assumed your assistant, Kirby, had only the singular position at your museum?  ned, from behind the counter: Oh, for a while he did, but then the theatre opened up and his services were needed elsewhere. And who am I, Ned “Theatrical” Chicane, to deny such a marvelous establishment of the skills and technical prowess Kirby possesses?”  minerva: Oh? A theatre, you say? 

here comes some random personal hc: on her homeworld, minerva was involved in her planet’s form of theatre (which i’ve always pictured to be very greek-esque, thus explaining her naturally booming voice) and absolutely adored it as a hobby. she, obviously, understands there will be a difference between Earthen theatre and the theatre she once performed; but there is no denying that that thought barely crossed her mind as she proceeded to pester ned about the theatre until he suggested she get a part-time job there. 

(ned knows mack’s struggles with keeping hires at the theatre, which is why he is quick to suggest minerva get a job there. that, and ned knows enough abt mack at this point to pretty accurately guess her Type. so let’s just say ned was doing this for both macks gain, but also for his gain to be able to harass her abt her hot new employee that he totally inflicted on her on purpose) 

ned probably brings it up later that night, or the next day. just really casually drops that he has someone interested in a position at the theatre:

mack: Holy fuck--yes, Ned! Tell them they’re hired!!! What can they do?   ned: Hmmmmm, well she’s quite fit, and has no qualms with getting her hands dirty.  mack: Oh, perfect! I need some more set builders! Thanks a whole lot, Ned. I knew you’d always have my back.  ned, knowing full well what he’s just wrought: Oh, of course, dear Mackerel. Anything for a friend! 

cue the next day: mack is just going about the theatre, business as usual, staying sort of close to the house doors so she can be Right There when ned comes in with the new hire. she’s faced away from the doors, checking something on her phone (probably her texts with ned, to see if he’s arrived yet) when she hears the doors open and shut. mack turns around to witness the Hottest Woman She Has Ever Seen In Her Goddamn Life. 

she’s tall--holy shit is she tall--with beautiful dark skin painted with these almost glowing blue tattoos that travel all the way across powerful arms and a prominent collarbone. but the tattoos don’t stop there, of course they don’t. they go all the way up to this woman’s bald head, perfectly framing her beautiful face. high cheekbones, strong chin, a wonderful nose (mack doesn’t have much of a preference for noses but this one is perfect she just knows it), masterfully-carved eyebrows that look like they were chiseled out of stone, and those enchanting, bright, beautiful bright blue eyes.  

mack’s brain basically short-circuits once minerva smiles at her (with those pearly white teeth and a grin so inviting it feels like her whole heart is melting), so she’s barely able to process the smug ned beside minerva. 

@goforduck drew this scene for me a while back and imma show it to u all bc i love him, his art, and the hot takes he gives my special lil ship: 

needless to say, mack Is Attracted, but i wouldn’t necessarily consider it a crush. meanwhile, minerva’s pov, she’s so damn excited for this job that she’s practically vibrating on the way in. and then, like romantic poetic would have it, all of that energy halts as time stands still and minerva locks eyes with....mack.  

mack definitely looks a little disheveled, but it’s like every fly-away hair crowns her head like a halo as those gemstones-for-eyes lock w minerva. she’s never seen someone she has felt so immediately attracted to in her life. but, that being said, she still does not Have A Crush. 

so after all the awkward blustering (AKA mack tripping over every eighth word as minerva turns on the Charm to keep that blush on mack’s freckled face) mack starts to get minerva accustomed to the work environment and the tasks she’d need to do. eventually, she hands minnie off to kirby bc shes got work to do, and the rest of the day goes by uneventfully. 

now minerva works at the theatre, and she’s Delighted w it. the job is easy but entertaining, she’s making friends, her knowledge of the world is expanding, and she now has a target for some very playful flirting and obvious showing-off of her muscles. because, listen....she has Eyes. she Knows mack always blusters whenever she’s around. and she knows herself, too. mack is cute and minerva likes making her blush. but there hasn’t been that moment where things are taken seriously.  

until about a month in, when minerva walks into something she maybe shouldn’t have but also definitely should have. 

you see, mack has a very important ritual in the morning. she arrives at the theatre at the absolute ass crack of dawn so she can get her yoga/stretching/vocal warmups in (since she is still a performer at heart and this has been her routine since college) and then sit by herself on the stage just sorta soaking it all in before kirby comes in with her coffee (which she needs in order to get up from her seated position on the stage bc she is that much of a coffee addict). just about every employee on staff knows not to even bother coming in this early bc 1. this ritual is very Private and Sacred to mack and 2. ur not even gonna be able to speak to her unless ur kirby w her coffee. 

“just about” encompasses every employee except for minerva, who decides to show up before kirby to bring mack her coffee (that she memorized after cornering kirby for the specifics one day) 

so she comes in the back entrance and is sort of at a loss as to where mack may be bc she doesn’t know mack’s routine. and she’s just kinda wandering aimlessly through all the shops and little rooms until she reaches the wings, where she hears the gentle strumming of a guitar. 

she approaches, with all the caution of a woman who has spent years mastering the art of stealth along w her combat studies, and comes upon the following scene: 

mack is seated in the exact center of the stage, eyes shut peacefully as her body sways to the tempo of the song she’s strumming on the guitar she’s playing (which minerva recognizes as the guitar that some idiot pit member left here about two weeks ago). she’s singing (the song is Dream A Little Dream of Me), and her voice is so soft yet so resonate that minerva feels as if she could stand right next to her or be 1000 feet away and hear the exact same thing. and she sounds so good, so completely in the song she’s performing and in her contentedness that it eases some subconscious unease minerva was holding. in the time minerva’s known mack, it’s the most natural she’s ever heard or seen her, just playing for an invisible audience in the dim lights of a theatre not yet awakened. 

minerva doesn’t realize she’s drifting closer to mack until she steps on an uneven plank, and the noise snaps mack out of her little world as she turns to the noise. needless to say, she’s a little surprised that minerva’s here this early, but then minerva wordlessly hands her her coffee and so mack could care less. she accepts the drink w a smile and then decides to go to her office to get started on some business emails. 

it isn’t until mack has already left the stage, and minerva is still stuck in the same position she was when she handed mack her coffee--heart racing a million miles a minute, face hot, and stomach feeling as if an entire colony of butterflies suddenly took refuge there--that minerva realizes that she is Endlessly, Hopelessly Fucked In Love. 

So yeah, TLDR; Minerva was first. 

[shiieldmaiden]

Y’all I never post my own shit on this blog but this is Important

i’ve got an amazing dnd group and because we’re Super Invested a bunch of us made playlists for our characters

feat. a Very Long playlist write-up under the cut 💫

The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy

This is the true start to this playlist, even though it’s not on Spotify. I had to start off with something from my Good Good McElboys. I imagine Bardrynn’s hometown of Quarrycrest as something of a fantasy Appalachia, all beautiful smoky mountains and close-knit families and communities living and working together. Everyone knew everyone and everyone helped everyone. What better way to set that scene than the Amnesty theme?

Woman by Kesha

Bardrynn is so. goddamn. independent. She’s impatient, she’s impulsive, and she’s not one to let just anyone tell her what to do. She’s a motherfuckin woman and this song captures her attitude, especially before she got more familiar with the darker parts of the world. She takes responsibility for herself, does things for herself, and doesn’t like asking for help. She’s got this.

Mess is Mine by Vance Joy

That being said, she’s a fiercely loyal friend. Bardrynn is a Gryffindor through and through and she will do anything for her friends. Well hold on, my darling. This mess was yours, now your mess is mine. She is someone who will shoulder her friends’ troubles without a second thought. You know you gave me all your time, but did I give enough of mine? Even though she gives so much to her friends, she still worries that it might not be enough. She wants to be enough for her friends, to be there whenever they need her, whatever they need her for. If she can’t be there for her friends, what good is she to them?

Mountain Sound by Of Monsters and Men

No matter how far she travels, Bardrynn’s heart lies in the mountains. She knows that whatever happens, she has the mountains to go home to. And as brave as she is, she’d be lying if she said she’d never considered running away from her problems and running home to those mountains. Heard them calling in the distance, so I packed my things and ran.

Map of the World by Monsters of Folk

She may be a small town girl, but Bardrynn has a streak of wanderlust to her. She wants to see the world, she wants to explore, she wants to see and experience new things. That far-off feeling, that up-close kind of ache - she tries to fight it, she denies it like hell, but Bardrynn is homesick. She has been for awhile, but she’s just ignored it. Having friends helps. Exploring new things and going on exciting quests helps. She’s doing what she wanted, she’s doing good and seeing the world, so why isn’t she happier?

Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles

A little self-explanatory, your girl tries to keep a positive outlook. She knows she’s not the brightest and doesn’t always notice things, but one thing she does notice is that if she keeps up a positive attitude, the people around her tend to perk up too. And I say “It’s alright”

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

Wow, is that Bardrynn’s Saving People Thing I see?? Holy cow, that’s Bardrynn’s Saving People Thing I see!! I told you you could always count on me darlin’. From that day on, I made a vow - I’ll be there when you want me some way somehow. Bardrynn will do absolutely anything for her friends - from taking the blame for ruining the publicity campaign in Dragon’s Brawl and getting herself fired so that Mori could keep her job to throwing herself into harm’s way to protect her party members. She’ll move heaven and earth to help her friends, drop anything to go to their side, hell she’ll take a killing blow if it means her friend will live.

Maps for the Getaway by Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness

Leaving home to go fight for Dragon’s Brawl was hard. It was really fucking hard. For all her life, Bardrynn had lived in Quarrycrest. Her family lived in Quarrycrest. Her ancestors were buried in Quarrycrest up in the family plot at the top of the Oakburn holler. (If she has anything to say about it, she’ll be buried there too, when her time comes) No cash in the bank, no paid holidays, all we have - all we have is gas in the tank, maps for the getaway. She had a dream and a plan and a metric ton of uncertainty, but she did it anyway and she was so proud of herself when she was able to write home to tell her family that she had done it. She was a professional fighter.

The Boxer by Paul Simon (Mumford & Sons cover)

When I left my home and my family, I was no more than a boy. In the company of strangers, in the quiet of the railway stations, running scared. The mood of this song, the story of a fighter doing what they love in the ring and then struggling with loneliness outside of it is just - it’s so perfect. It took Bardrynn awhile to regain her footing with her new job away from home. Even with Mori there, it wasn’t the same as being able to just walk down the holler a bit to say hello to her brother or strolling into town and saying hello to everyone she passed on the way. Plus, Mumford’s sound is so Appalachia to me, it suits Bardrynn really fucking well, all strings, bluegrass rhythms, and tight harmonies.

In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade, and he carries the reminder of every glove that laid him down and cut him til he cried out in his anger and his shame “I am leaving, I am leaving,” but the fighter still remains.

Applause by Lady Gaga

Once she got her footing though, once Bardrynn got comfortable, she was fucking ecstatic with her life. She practically got high off of the crowds and their reactions to her, their applause and their cheers. Nothing could bring her down when a stadium of fans were cheering her name. I live for the applause

Jenny by the Studio Killers

OOF. Bardrynn’s bad at feelings. She didn’t plan on catching feelings for Mori. She really didn’t. She didn’t even realize it was happening at first, she’s terrible at reading feelings from anyone, including herself. She was her best friend! She couldn’t feel like this about her, she was just a really close friend! Jenny darlin’, you’re my best friend, but there’s a few things that you don’t know… Once she figured it out (it took her an embarrassingly long time, looking back), she tried to just shove it down, ignore it. Telling her would just ruin things. They had a good thing going, the two of them being best friends in and out of the ring. That was, until their bosses decided they needed to stage a rivalry between them.

Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons

Bardrynn carries a lot of guilt over fucking up that fake rivalry. It was just one slip-up, they’d been doing so well. But Mori had made a really funny joke and Bardrynn couldn’t help but laugh and someone had to go and catch her looking at her like that… and the next thing they knew, the two of them were being threatened with losing their jobs over the way they handled that “publicity strategy,” or whatever the fuck the boss had called it.

So Bardrynn took the blame.

She couldn’t let Mori get fired too. But it was not your fault but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear? It was her fault, not Mori’s. Only one of them should lose their job over this and if someone had to take the fall for it, it was going to be Bardrynn. Mori tried to argue when Bardrynn told their boss that it was her fault, but she wouldn’t hear any of it. Bardrynn couldn’t fix the damage she’d done to Mori’s image as a fighter, she couldn’t fix any dips in popularity her fights might suffer, but she could make sure she kept her job.

And now, she’s terrified of letting her friends down. She doesn’t want to fail them like she did Mori. She can’t let that happen. Let’s be real, Bardrynn would die for her friends or her family without a second thought.

Bastards by Kesha

After her fallout with Dragon’s Brawl, there were a lot of people who started bad-mouthing Bardrynn. People who accused her of ruining the Dragon’s Brawl story because she couldn’t just play along, people who were disappointed in her for failing at this, people who were angry with her for messing up this or that. Been underestimated my entire life. I know people gonna talk shit, and darlin’ that’s fine. But they won’t break my spirit, I won’t let ‘em win. I’ll just keep on livin, keep on livin’ the way I wanna live. It was hard, really fucking hard to brush it off, but Bardrynn did her best to not let it bother her. She’s gotten better at it. She’s gotten a lot better at it. It’s still hard sometimes, and she still feels guilty sometimes when she braids that bright blue ribbon from a fan into her hair, but she’s getting better at tieing those reminders to the good memories rather than the bad ones.

Heaven When We’re Home by The Wailin’ Jennys

Been a fool, I’ve been cruel to myself. Been hangin’ on to nothin’ when nothin’ could be worse than hangin on. And somethin’ tells me, there must be something better than all this … And it’s a long and rugged road, and we don’t know where it’s headed. But we know it’s gonna get us where we’re goin’. And when we find what we’re lookin’ for, we’ll drop these bags and search no more, cuz it’s gonna feel like heaven when we’re home. I’m tempted to just leave it with those lyrics, but tbh, they’re very true to her attitude going forward from Dragon’s Brawl. She wandered, she didn’t know where she was headed, but she trusted that she’d figure it out eventually. So far it’s worked out alright. Plus, the Wailin’ Jennys’ sound is just So Perfectly Bardrynn. I also love the harmonies in the chorus, kinda shows, at least to me, how important having people around her is to Bardrynn. And maybe I’ll walk awhile and feel the earth beneath me. They say if you start lookin’, it doesn’t matter if you find it. And who’s to say that even if I did, it’s what I’m really looking for?

Below My Feet by Mumford & Sons

Keep the earth below my feet. From my sweat, my blood runs weak. Let me learn from where I have been. Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn. As she started traveling the world and exploring, Bardrynn started to see things in terms of what she could do - what she could do for other people besides just the ones she holds nearest and dearest. She started helping people. She started looking for people to help, jobs to take, towns to protect. Anything she could do to make herself useful, to find some kind of purpose beyond just wandering aimlessly, unemployed and technically homeless. She found that helping people was really fulfilling. She liked it. She was good at it. And it made other people happy, it made other people safe.

We’re Going to Be Friends by The White Stripes

Bardrynn makes friends super goddamn fast. She’s a friendly and outgoing woman, and while she may not be good at telling if someone is lying, she believes that she has a good sense of when someone is going to be a friend. To be fair, she tends to go by the philosophy of friend until proven not friend, but still. She could tell within ten minutes of meeting the party that this was going to be a good thing. They were going to be friends and it was going to be so much goddamn fun. And when I wake, tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend by girl in red

Now, Bardrynn has a wisdom of 9. She’s terrible at recognizing other people’s feelings and even worse at diagnosing her own feelings. This has happened to her before, with Mori. She got confused, she was certain that the feelings she had towards Mori were just that of a best friend. 

She would’ve been this freaked out if anyone in the party died, right? Sure, she’s been worried about Liana and keeping an eye on her in battle since she died and came back to life, and she might feel a little more protective of her lately, but it’d be the same for anyone else in the party if they died, right?

Right?

Beautiful Dawn by The Wailin’ Jennys

I feel like this rounds her out nicely. Bardrynn is trying to get better. She’s trying to improve herself, to grow, to become the friend her friends need her to be. She’s trying to become the woman she wants to be, more than just a brokenhearted has-been fighter - a woman who doesn’t let down her loved ones, a woman who protects those she cares about, a woman who defends those who can’t defend themselves, a woman who can do some good in the world. Take me to a place where I feel no shame, take me where courage doesn’t need a name. Learning how to cry is the hardest part, and there’s only one way to mend a broken heart.

Dang, this is a long post.

[notveryglittery]

Flirting with Danger, Ch2

summary: Patton doesn’t have his priorities straight. Virgil doesn’t have the patience for this. Roman has a delivery to make. words: 2,300 / ships: romantic royality, platonic moxiety warnings: one (1) very mild burn, mentions of guns/violence notes: last chapter was mostly me, this chapter was mostly @do-your-socks-have-holes-in-them and gosh do i love it!!!!!! they have such a distinctive writing style and i just really appreciate how they handle the sides!! @fandersfic-royality @fandersfic-moxiety

read on ao3 | Ch1: the first time | Ch2: *mcelroy voice* hotboy! Ch3: sky soliloquy | Ch4: the interview™ Ch5: you have my heart | Ch6: the second time Ch7: is this allowed??

For someone who’d nearly died, Patton was awfully cheerful the next morning. Virgil stumbled out of his room on little sleep- it had not been the most relaxing night, okay- and found him dancing around the kitchen island, humming to himself while mixing up pancake batter. They still didn’t have any milk, but Patton had his heart set on pancakes, so he’d found a recipe online last night that didn’t require it.

He rubbed his eyes and propped himself up in the kitchen’s entrance. “What’s with the good mood?”

“Oh! Good morning!” Patton turned around in a movement that could almost be called a twirl, forgot he was still holding a wooden mixing spoon and accidentally flung some of the batter at his roommate. Fortunately, Virgil had good reflexes and was used to living with him by now. “Oops,” Patton said a bit sheepishly, grabbing a paper towel to clean it off the wall. “I guess I’m a little distracted today!”

“I hadn’t noticed,” Virgil deadpanned. “Why, though?” He took in the blush starting to appear on Patton’s face along with his wide smile and groaned. “Don’t tell me- are you still swooning over that super-headache?”

Patton gave him a pouty almost-glare. “Do you have to call him that?”

“Yeah, actually, it’s in the Best Friends Contract. You should’ve read the fine print.” He rolled his eyes fondly, leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed. “Fine, get it out of your system, I know you wanna gush.”

The smile came back brighter than ever. “He was just so cool,” Patton practically squealed, spinning in a circle and pressing his hands over his heart. “Or, I guess technically hot- I was really scared but then he showed up and he wasn’t scared at all even though they had guns-”

“They what?!”

“-and his costume looks so good on him, I wonder if he made it himself, I wouldn’t be surprised, and his eyes, Virge, did you see his eyes, they’re so pretty, and his voice oh my goodness I almost melted, well, not really, ‘cause I was pretty tense then, but-”

“Wait, go back- Patton, you didn’t tell me they had guns, what the hell!”

“Oh, right- Language! But yeah, they did, one of them was threatening me, but it’s fine because he saved me-”

“That doesn’t make it fine!”

“It does too! That’s like the whole point of getting saved! He did something to the guy and I kinda fell and he caught me and carried me outside and he’s so strong and his arms and he called me handsome, can you even believe that Virgil, and then he even came out and talked to me after, everything he does is just adorable, wait oh gosh I think he might have been flirting, do you think he was flirting with me?!” Patton finally stopped talking, a little out of breath and starry-eyed, his hands pressed to his cheeks.

“Uh… I think…”

“Yeah?” Patton was grinning.

“I think your priorities are so incredibly messed up I don’t even know where to start.”

He dimmed only slightly. “But, Virgil, I think he likes me! Him! An actual superhero- why would I wanna think about the scary parts when I can think about the fact that I’m in love, Virgil, he set my heart on fire!”

“Oh, no, please don’t be.” Virgil did not need this, especially not first thing in the morning when he hadn’t slept well. He had so been hoping it was another one of Patton’s little infatuations that would be gone before next week. Now he was going to invest his whole heart in this dude and probably end up getting it crushed- from what Virgil had seen of this Prince dude, he wouldn’t be surprised if he only saved people’s lives for the media attention and praise it got him. He certainly seemed to thrive on it. “What are you even basing this on?”

“It’s love! It doesn’t have to be based on anything! Anyway, didn’t you see how he kissed my hand, it was- ohh, it was just the sweetest thing!” Patton clutched the hand in question to his chest, reliving the feeling. “How could I not be in love with him!”

“You’re just…” Virgil shook his head. He didn’t like to rain on his friend’s parade, but if he didn’t at least get his expectations down a little he was going to get hurt. “You had one interaction, Pat, how do you know he doesn’t flirt with everyone he saves? Maybe it’s just a, a way to calm people down. He’s a minor celebrity, for crying out loud, what are the chances of- look, all I’m saying is I wouldn’t start planning the wedding, okay?”

Patton frowned at him, clearly disagreeing, but not wanting to argue about it. “Okay, I won’t. ...Yet,” he added under his breath. He then dropped the subject (for now) and turned around to finish the pancakes, pulling Virgil along with him for extra help. It was in the middle of this that Patton realized he’d never gotten his phone back. He whined about it for a bit, over all the photos he’d lost, and the nice text messages he’d never gotten to save. Virgil promised they’d call the police station to see if it’d been turned in and that had significantly cheered Patton right back up.

Not long after breakfast was over, though, Virgil found out that Patton had actually absorbed his warnings for once, and that maybe this time he’d prefer to have been ignored. Blindly optimistic, lovestruck Patton had been way easier to deal with than the nervous mess he was now.

“Maybe you’re right,” he fretted, twisting his hands together as he paced in front of the living room couch. “Maybe- maybe he’s just nice and I got over-excited because I like him so much, and he was just trying to make me feel better after having a gun in my face, and he is a superhero, he must get people saying they’re in love with him all the time, I shouldn’t bother him even if I do see him again… But then again, he could have made me feel better without flirting- but why would he actually think I was handsome like that, I was a mess and scared and wearing a shirt for a kids’ show, he was just being nice, oh, I feel so bad for misinterpreting that, I hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable…”

“Slow down,” Virgil told him. He was sitting on the couch and trying his best to help, but his best wasn’t great in this particular situation. “You sound like me. As in, literally, you’re saying some of the same things I said… weren’t you this close to arguing with me about that?” he reminded him almost pleadingly. He wouldn’t have said anything if he’d known Patton would take his doubts to heart like this.

“Yeah, but then I thought about it a bunch!”

“Oof. Yeah, that’s always dangerous.”

“You know what, I’m just never going to go outside again, then I won’t have to worry about meeting him again or—”

Patton’s resolution to stay in their apartment building for the rest of his natural life was cut short when they heard a knock at the door. Only, it wasn’t the hallway door. It was the glass doors leading out onto the balcony. They looked over and saw the Prince standing outside, giving them a little wave as if this were completely normal. The second they made eye contact, Patton screamed and bolted around the corner into his room.

“Oh no you don’t, get back here, I’m not dealing with him alone!” Virgil caught the door before he could slam it shut.

“Noooo, I can’t talk to him like this!” He looked slightly panicked as Virgil dragged him out of the room by his collar. The collar, Virgil realized, of his pajamas, but it was too late now, wasn’t it?

“Look at it this way, Patton, you know how I feel about superheroes and you do not want me talking to him unsupervised.”

Patton paused in his struggling and stopped trying to push Virgil away. Sure, he had just been worrying about making the hero uncomfortable, and might not have wanted to bother him anymore, but… Well, could he be blamed for longing to see him just one more time? Besides, it wasn’t really fair to hand all of his problems over to Virgil. Best friends just didn’t do that to each other. “You have a point.” With a resigned sigh, Patton straightened his shirt out and steeled his resolve. The two of them walked back into the living room as if nothing had happened.

The hero on the balcony looked a little confused, but handled it gracefully enough. Patton fumbled with the latch and opened the sliding door. “Um- hi! What brings you here?” he asked with his most welcoming smile, clasping his hands behind his back to keep them under control.

“Greetings!” the hero exclaimed with a wide sweep of his arm. When Patton and Virgil flinched at his volume, he cleared his throat awkwardly. “Your phone!” he continued, his voice lowered but his gestures still plenty loud. “I’ve searched high and low, through every valley and peak, to find you so I might return it! It has been a grand adventure, but to see your smiling face…” He paused, looking at Patton with such warm eyes that he nearly fainted on the spot while Virgil groaned in the background. “Every hardship was worth it.” With that final declaration, he offered the device in question to its owner.

Before Patton could thank him, or even remember how to move, Virgil folded his arms over his chest and raised his eyebrows. “Our address is in the phone,” he pointed out flatly, “couldn’t have been that hard to find him.”

Unexpectedly, the Prince made a face at him and replied, “Oh, hush!” Virgil recovered from his surprise quickly enough to stick his tongue out in response.

Patton couldn’t stop himself; a giggle spilled from his lips. That had just been too cute! The sound brought the Prince’s attention back to him, and Patton felt heat creep into his face as the hero’s expression softened into an earnest smile and he took a small step closer, not quite into the apartment, holding the phone out again. Right, that was why he was here in the first place, they’d just established that like ten seconds ago.

“Well, thank you so much for coming all the way here to give it to me!” Patton regained his voice, even if it was coming out a bit high-pitched. Then he reached out to take his cell phone, and would you look at that, there went his vocal chords again, because their fingers brushed and his mind blanked out for a second.

He wasn’t sure his heart hadn’t stopped beating for a second. When he pulled himself together enough to think, if not enough to pull away, their hands were still touching- the Prince was frozen in place as much as he was. Maybe he’d seen Patton freeze up and didn’t know what to do about it? Wait, was it just the light or was his face getting red? Patton blinked and narrowed his eyes in concern, opening his mouth to ask if he was okay, only to suddenly jerk his hand away on instinct and stumble back a step. His phone fell on the floor for the second time in as many days.

“Ouch!” he yelped, sticking his fingers in his mouth. “Was- was that you?”

“I am so sorry! I can normally control myself better than this, I- I don’t know what came over me!” The pyrokinetic hero took a step back, holding his hands up. There was no mistaking the color in his face now, as he was bright red with embarrassment. Patton thought he could feel the heat radiating off his palms even from two feet away. “I’m so sorry about that, I’ll just- go-”

“Oh- no, no, it’s okay, you don’t have to-!” Patton tried to tell him, but he’d flown off before he could even finish the sentence. He hadn’t seen the glare Virgil had been giving the Prince from behind his back. Patton sighed and slumped against the doorway, feeling an odd mixture of emotions- he’d actually come here, he could have just left Patton’s phone at the police station or something but he came to give it to him personally, and he might have been just as flustered as Patton when their hands brushed, and it seemed once again like he might have a chance- but then he’d just left and Patton didn’t have any way of contacting him and they would probably never see each other again!

While lost in his thoughts, Virgil disappeared and returned with a tube of burn cream. Patton turned to him. “Virgil, he left, what am I gonna do?!” he cried, slightly despairing.

“Wha- don’t ask me! You know how I feel about superheroes and love, especially when you’ve talked to him a for a total of like five minutes ever. How do you expect me to give you good advice?” As Virgil spoke, he lead Patton back into the apartment. “I can’t even give good advice about things I do know the first thing about, let alone crushes… don’t make that face at me, okay, I’m just saying.” He sat Patton down on the couch and took his injured hand carefully in his own. “Here, let me see what that idiot did to your hand real quick.” Patton sat still and patient, even though the fussing wasn’t really warranted and he would be all better by tomorrow morning anyway. He let Virgil rant under his breath for a minute or two about stupid “heroes” who don’t pay attention to the damage their powers can cause before speaking up again with what was on his mind.

“...Okay, but… do you think he likes me, though?”

Virgil let out a long sigh. He put his face in his hands, careful not to get burn cream in his hair. Finally, he looked back up, expression resigned. “You know what, Patton? Yeah.”

[rhywhitefang]

It’s the end of the year (Well, not quite, but I’m not gonna get any reading done tomorrow)  - and we all know what that means... Looking back at what you read and evaluating your favorites. And no, I did not contain myself to just 10 - but that’s also because I did read a lot this year. Why are they eleven books for the first two categories? Any excuse to include one more book It looks better on the graphic. Although, before someone asks why the Broken Earth Trilogy isn’t on here - Rereads don’t count and I read those in 2017. For a more detailed look at each of my lists, links to the books, and more of my thoughts, look under the cut. For a list of all of my favorite books look here. 

Now, on to these...

The best new releases of the year

Now, obviously, I did not read every single book that was released this year - duh. This is just a list of the best 2018 releases that I read this year. Ranked, they look like this:

Girl Made of Stars by Ashley Herring Blake. Why I loved this one: It’s a really honest, well-written, gentle, well-done, nuanced, and detailed examination of what rape does not only to a person but also to a community from a perspective I’ve never seen considered before. 

Darius The Great Is Not Okay by Adib Khorram Why I loved this one: Because I love well-done coming of age narratives and this one was excellent. It’s a very quiet, introspective, slow moving book with a softer main male character. I also really appreciated the setting of Teheran. 

The Book of Essie by Meghan Maclean Weir Why I loved this one: Look, it’s one of my very specific favorite tropes of all time (I’m not going to spoil it) that I almost never see, the main character is interesting and strong in a mental way I really enjoy, and it’s a deconstruction of conservative family culture. Yay. 

The Adventure Zone - Here there be Gerblins by Griffin McElroy Why I loved this one: I jumped on the hype train and listened to the podcast - and like, this is a comic adaptation of the first arc? Which is so much fun?

The Air You Breathe by Frances de Pontes Peebles Why I loved this one: I loved the main character who was bitter, and passionate, and jealous and lovin, and complicated and determined and stern and regretful. It was great. If you loved Evelyn Hugo, this one should be your next read. 

The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay Why I loved this one: This thriller was very unique in the way that it put its focus on just one family, and the whole rest of the world was not really present. Instead we get a very closed, and isolated narrative where everything but the characters we follow and the relationships they have with each other is called into question.

How Long Til’ Black Future Month? by N. K. Jemisin Why I loved this one: I refuse to comment on claims that I light a candle of my very own N. K. Jemisin shrine every night before I fall asleep. If you haven’t read The Fifth Season - go read them right now. My favorites from this collection include: Valedictorian, The Storyteller’s Replacement, Walking Awake, and Henosis.

Circe by Madeline Miller Why I loved this one: I’m a huge slut for greek myth retellings, if you’re a semi-competent author retelling any greek myth, I’ll eat it up. And Miller is more than just semi-competent.

The Poppy War by R.F Kuang Why I loved this one: Listen, listen, listen - you know how to get me as a reader? Training sequences and school settings. This has 250 pages of training sequences in a school setting. It made me very happy. 

Hurricane Child by Kheryn Callender Why I loved this one: Everyone’s excited for this author’s other book, which is like, a YA romance and to be fair, I haven’t read that one yet, but still - why is this one so underrated? It’s a magical realism coming of age story of a young girl and it’s stellar. 

Inkmistress by Audrey Coulhourst Why I loved this one: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the author’s debut, but this has a lot of things I love - “be careful what you wish for” style blood magic, dark self-fulfilling prophecies, and a female characters journey from hero to villain. Also dragons. 

The best backlist books of the year

Meaning, the best books I read this year that were released in 2017 or before that. Pretty simple, really.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan Why I loved this one: It has been a long time since I was this attached to a group of book characters that quickly. They’re instantly relatable, even if they’re not instantly likeable. And beyond that, the whole book is a wonderfully satirical take on the portal fantasy genre. But seriously, guys, there’s not enough of fanfiction for this book - I’d know it, I read them all.. C’mon, where’s my soulmate AU?

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman Why I loved this one: One of the best YA novels out there and not only one of my favorite’s of this year, but also one of my favorite books of all time. Alice Oseman understands the teen coming of age story on a spiritual level, and manages to be so wonderfully affirming in this one.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid Why I loved this one: Listen to the hype, everyone, listen to the hype. Evelyn Hugo is an amazing character and I’d 100% believe you if you told me she was a real person. PLUS, this one also has the trope. The one I talked about with the Book of Essie. 

Strong Female Protagonist by Molly Ostertag Why I loved this one: Well-done, deconstructionalist superhero narrative are my jam. This webcomic is not that action driven, instead it focuses on the main character identity crisis, and her reconsidering what it means to be a hero and what her responsibility as a human is.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M Danforth Why I loved this one: Do you think the owner of this blog might like coming of age narratives? I’m not super sure, like, maybe if she had “I love coming of age narratives” tattooed on her forehead, it would be a little clearer... but like this? It’s a mystery. 

Whichwood by Tahereh Mafi Why I loved this one: No, I did not read the first book in this series, and I don’t think you need to in order to enjoy this. Here, I just really appreciated the friendship aspect of the book and the healing power of reaching out to others and letting them into your heart. Also death magic. That too.

Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds Why I loved this one: I think the slam poetry style this was written in, often novels written in verse don’t work for me because it feels like more distance being put between you and the narrative, but in this case it really elevated the story. And of course, this was a very introspective read with a focus on character development.

One Hundred Nights of Hero by Isabelle Greenberg Why I loved this one: The artwork here is just gorgeous, just like in the first one The Encyclopedia of Early Earth. Its beautiful and has a lovely fairytale vibe.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon Why I loved this one: This has a very sharp, very unique voice to it and a protagonist unlike anyone I ever read. And the spaceship setting was really cool as well.

Under the Pendulum Sun by Jeannette Ng Why I loved this one: This is a fae book that gets fucking dark, and truly fucked up as any proper fae book should do. Some parts of it read almost like a trippy nightmare which is just delightful. And the premise itself? Just wild, man

Girl Mans Up by M-E Girard Why I loved this one: Say it with me everyone 📣: Coming 👏 of 👏 Age 👏 Narrative

Honorable Mentions

Yes, I have a whole entire seperate list of honorable mentions. What’s it to you?

A  Very Large Expanse of Sea by Tahereh Mafi Why I loved this one: The writing is beautiful and engaging. The protagonist is refreshing, lively, realistic, and I loved her perspective. Her internal journey was wonderfully rendered. The issues she dealt with were important, timely, and needed to be put into the forefront. It had a lyrical, atmospheric quality to it and I thoroughly enjoyed my experienced reading it. Why it didn’t quite make the list: It almost, almost made the list because it was really good. There was just one thing that bothered me. I get that the point of this book was that the protagonist was really isolated in the beginning, but even so... she had a romance with a guy, she had her brother and his friends whom she hung out with. But she didn’t seem to know any other girls... at all. The only other real female character I remember is her mother. And then there’s one interaction with another girl and that girl is a racist bitch. So I didn’t like that portrayal.

Geography Club by Brent Hartinger Why I loved this one: Teenagers finding themselves.... friendship..... clubs.... gay people.... I mean, come on.  Why it didn’t quite make the list: The writing style isn’t the best.

And I Darken by Kiersten White Why I loved this one: This was a great first book in a trilogy with a historical setting I haven’t read about before. It has court intrigue, sultans, assassins and political imprisonments. The main character’s brother, Radu, is one of my favorite characters I read about this year and I liked the way this tackled religion. Why it didn’t quite make the list: Being the first one in a series, this feels more like...a prologue, than anything that could stand on its own.

When I Hit You - A Portrait of the Author as a Young Wife by Meena Kandasamy Why I loved this one: It’s an unflinching look at an abusive marriage, power dynamic, and coping with the more patriarchal aspects of your own culture. It’s also really well written and extremely believable.  Why it didn’t quite make the list: It had an odd framing device, and because the protagonist was a writer, this caused it to be kind of pretentious at times.

Here to Stay by Sara Farizan Why I loved this one: This is a very realistic depiction of high school, and the social dynamics most teenagers for. Teenagers aren’t wise or mature, most of them have a lot of growing to do. And I liked how flawed everyone there was. They just wanted to keep their head down, or they overcompensated for their insecurities, and they dealt with their own issues. I liked how the topics in here were handled. Why it didn’t quite make the list: The plot was a bit too simplistic for me. 

Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant Why I loved this one: Killer mermaids! Need I say more? I’ll say it again - killer mermaids! Why it didn’t quite make the list: Despite the title, this isn’t really that deep. Just a fun monster horror.

The Emperor’s Soul by Brandon Sanderson Why I loved this one: The one thing that Sanderson does consistently well is develop magic systems, and I really liked this one. And because this one was so short, there wasn’t some epic (or even cosmic) overarching plot, but a rather clear and relatively small narrative of a specific task that needed to be completed, which I found absolutely fascinating. I think I like this story even more than the Mistborn trilogy. It’s my favorite from him. Why it didn’t quite make the list: Everytime Sanderson writes a female character, you can tell he feels so proud of himself for being such a feminist. 

I Was Born for This by Alice Oseman Why I loved this one: This surprised me. Even though I loved Radio Silence by Oseman and had read that one before, the subject matter of this book didn’t really seem appealing to me, but it was still really fun. I loved the friendship dynamics and the discussions of fame. Why it didn’t quite make the list: I just very much wanted this one to go more in depth and really dive into that character development, and these relationship dynamics. I just wanted a little more of that. 

A History of Glitter and Blood by Hannah Moskowitz Why I loved this one: I loved most things to do with the fae - the dark fae of folklore, mind you, not whatever SJM is doing. Now, these fairies aren’t really traditional, but the setting is definitely dark. Also, there’s an unreliable narrator which I love.  Why it didn’t quite make the list: I was kind of iffy about some of the racial implications with the goblins. 

The Monster Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson Why I loved this one: We stan a ruthless, traitorous accountant. Love that dark character development, bitch.  Why it didn’t quite make the list: While I loved the first one, this one really lacked a clear sense of structure or direction. The pacing was kind of off. 

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan Why I loved this one: I loved the worldbuilding here, and the setting of concubines in a castle, quiety rebelling in themselves. Yay.  Why it didn’t quite make the list: It felt a bit juvenile at some points, some things were rushed, and I would have liked a bit more depth to the characters, especially the love interest.

[annarosewriting]

In Which I Remember Something Poetic as Hell I Texted My Friend Once.

I had a panic attack this week. 

I’ve had panic attacks before. I’ve learned how to combat them, I get through them and they leave me feeling like I’ve wrestled a bear so I only want to sleep for the next three days. They’re lots of fun.

But this one happened while I was driving home from work. I was stuck in rush hour traffic, hands gripping the steering wheel so hard I thought my knuckles were going to burst out of my skin. Frantically trying to focus on the McElroy’s goofs in the background as a steady refrain of “you’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay” played in the hopes that my brain would believe it so I could make it home.

I’m 99% sure this panic attack was triggered by corporate America. 

I started, what I lovingly refer to as, my “Real Person Job”, a few weeks ago. Which means, I’m working in the field I specifically studied in for four and a half years and went into INCREDIBLE debt for. 

I work from 8:30 to 5, five days a week and the highlight of my weekdays is my lunch break when I get to watch Top Chef.   

This is my first experience with this job structure. And it took, hmm, I want to say, 48 hours? After starting this job where I sat down in between my parents on the couch after work, book in hand, opened to the first page and after reading the first word on the page, looked up at them and asked, eyes wide, voice rising to an ear splitting register, “IS THIS IT?????”

I mean, I get home around 6, work out, eat dinner, either watch TV or read for a bit, then I go to bed, wake up and do the same. Damn. Thing. 

Again. 

And again.

And again.

And again until I DIE. 

OSU glossed over this during graduation. 

So, my first two days being a working stiff were a bit of a culture shock. I’m sure it happens to everyone (please confirm this happens to other people). It could only get better though right? 

Queue the panic attack a few days later in my car. 

My brain likes to play a fun game called “How Far Can We Take This Thought Until It Becomes Such An All-Consuming, Terrible, Twisted Shadow of What You Originally Started With It’s All You Can Think About”. It’s incredibly entertaining and I can play it at any time!!!! 

The way I like to play is, I’ll start with one innocuous thought and then my brain will take that thought in its little gnarled goblin hands, hold it tight and jump headfirst into a black abyss where my Bad Thoughts live which is normally covered by a shoddily constructed quilt of hyper-fixations. 

The downward spiral staircase my brain decided to descend while I was having this particular panic attack went a little something like this;

“Things seem to be going well at this job, you have a lot of responsibilities and you’re doing well with them. Hell, they even gave you some more projects to work on which must mean they like the work you’re doing!”

“But, what if there comes a time when they DON’T like the work you’re doing?” 

“Or, even worse, what if there comes a time when YOU don’t like the work you’re doing?” 

“Is the work you’re doing even THAT important? I mean, c’mon. You’re not saving lives or working for a just and noble cause.” 

“Hey remember when you were younger and you knew you didn’t want a desk job? Let’s bring up your younger self and see what SHE thi-OH JESUS- well, I called her up and she started throwing old Kelly Clarkson CD’s at me and was leaking black eyeliner everywhere and kept hissing that no one understood her so we’re leaving her out of this.” 

“But like, do you think anything you do will have any impact on this world?” 

“Will you ever live up to anything? Will you ever do anything meaningful with your life?” 

“Will you ever even be loved?”

“Are you even worthy of love?” 

And the final thought, to end this nightmarish, gymnastics floor show of leaping to conclusions that will ensure my anxiety goes home with the gold; 

“What are you even DOING with your life??”

By the time my anxiety stuck the dismount, I was VERY aware of how I couldn’t quite catch my breathe because it felt like an Instagram Influencer was sitting on my chest, threatening to strangle me with the hair extensions they’re ambassadors for if I hadn’t come up with a way to make vast societal differences on this earth by the time I’m 25. 

When I parked my car, I was fully convinced that if I couldn’t eradicate homophobia, fatphobia, racism and sexism in the next six months then I may as well lay down in the middle of the forest floor to decompose in peace and hope that Hozier writes a song about it. 

It was when the anxiety was reaching a fever pitch and I was googling forests that were close to me, that I remembered something I texted my best friend one day. 

My friend had asked “what’s the point”, because remember how being in your 20′s is difficult, lonely and frustrating? And in a moment of incredibly clarity and optimism on my part, I texted back;

“The point is to make your life and your purpose a golden light for others to look at and think ‘huh, maybe this terrible place isn’t so bad after all if someone as wonderful as she is can exist’“

Shakespeare WHOMST.

I kept repeating those words to myself and slowly, I was able to catch my breathe. My brain stopped doing pirouettes down into the existential muck and I was able to drag my body downstairs to eat a whole loaf of bread then go right to bed.

Here’s the thing, my anxiety is triggered by the fear that I won’t do anything worthwhile with my time here on this floating space rock. 

I have a desire to create radical, lasting, social change, I want to be a force to be reckoned with. I want to be that woman that stomped into this world, wearing a dress with pockets, who shook shit up so thoroughly it changed the world. 

That’s is a tall fucking order and I need to remember that I’m only 5′2″. 

It’s challenging for me to remember that on a daily basis just BEING is enough to make a difference in this world. 

To remember that my family wouldn’t be the same without me. They’d be a lot quieter and way less knowledgable about One Direction’s solo careers.  

To remember that the love I give to my friends and the love I accept from them makes this world a better and more loving place to exist. 

To remember that I matter. By being here, at this moment in time is enough to justify my existence on this planet. 

My anxiety isn’t going away anytime soon and I think I’ll always be worried about what my legacy is going to be. 

But, whenever I start questioning everything because I get excited when I go out to dinner and I know I’ll have leftovers for lunch tomorrow, I remind myself about that golden light. 

And I know that I’ll get to where I need to go. 

[freeformtarsier]

Rules: Answer 11 questions, write 11 questions, and tag 11 people to answer them

I was tagged by @quousque

I am tagging @amultitudeofsins @satanspesticide @transhumanist-viking @wounldtitbeloverly @false-dawn @angeltouchfart and I'm stopping there bc I'm not sure who else I can tag.

My questions to answer are:

1. Would you rather have ripped arms, or really jacked legs? Why?

I would rather have ripped arms to better carry the weight of my sins (aka my homework done last minute). My legs are already really strong but my arms are basically noodles.

2. If you could instantly become pretty good (like, won state high school championships good, not olympic good) at any sport or other activity, what would you choose?

Track. Running seems like a very useful thing and I think being pretty good at it would mean I no longer have arthritis and bad joints that partially keep me from it so it's a two for one deal.

3. Ideal living situation, in terms of people you’re living with. Alone? Nuclear family? Just significant other? Roommates? Platonic life partners? Three generations of family? Polycule? You and 500 cats?

My ideal living situation would be me and my S.O. along with our pets and kids in like an apartment complex with our friends in the surrounding apartments.

4. If you could change one thing about your town/city/place of habitation, what would you change?

I would make it so that it was more minority friendly.

5. If your current country of residence were to decide to move its capitol, where do you think they should put it, and why?

Wherever I live so I can bother them in person. All the time.

6. What thing have you done this past week that you are most proud of?

Not this week, but I worked my first like real job this summer. I worked harder than I ever have and it was actually really rewarding.

7. What was the most confusing, perplexing, or befuddling thing that happened to you in the past week?

TBH I have had a really boring week thus far and as such nothing really confusing perplexing or befuddling has happened.

8. What are you most looking forward to in the coming week?

Going back to school! Where my friends are! Tomorrow!!

9. If you are in any fandoms, what is the fandom you are currently most active in? What do you like best about it? What would you change?

I guess TAZ would be the one I'm most in at the moment. I just really love the McElroys and how positive folks are. I would remove any trace of prejudice.

10. stupidest reason you’ve ever decided you like something?

Edit: I misread this as do something so my new answer is I decided to like something simply because mother didn't like it

11. A unicorn bewitches you such that every time you hear someone snap their fingers, you turn into a certain animal (and back when you hear another snap). What animal would you choose to turn into?

Well my first instinct is to say bear but on second thought I would just be stuck as a bear seeing as most folks don't snap around a bear. So with further consideration I believe I would want to be a peregrine falcon.

The questions I pose are:

1. What is your favorite art medium (as in theatre, film, painting, poetry, music)?

2. What is your favorite work in that medium?

3. If you could fight anybody throughout history with no negative consequences, who would it be and why? (Ex. I would fight Pope Gregory XIII bc I hate the Gregorian calendar)

4. What was/is your favorite subject to learn in school?

5. Who is your favorite super hero (or character if you don't like super heros)?

6. If you could instantly save an endangered species, which one would it be?

7. If you could have any animal (living extinct or fictional) as a steed, what would it be and why?

8. What is one thing that you would want to spend the rest of your life doing were money not an issue?

9. Do you have a favorite meme and if so what is it?

10. What is your favorite mindless task? (Ex I like to make chainmail bracelets)

11. What is your favorite food?

[abandonedabandoned]

i just saw the aro questions so ima do the three weeks now

Week 1

1. How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known I’ve known for at least two years, but I can’t remember how (memory problems.) I’ve known one of my headmates was aroace before i knew i was arospec, maybe Happy helped?

2. Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)! All of my friends and partners know, i dont really have any Story

3. How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity? Its important because I want all my friendships to be as important, socially, as my romantic ones. Ive always put my heart and soul into my friends, even if I have been dating someone

4. What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you? Other than the general “heartless bastard” trope im not too sure. Maybe the misconception everyones either full aro or demi? Idk

5. What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike? Its given me a finer appreciation of platonic relationships, but i dont know what the FUCKIN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PLATONIC AND ROMANTIC ARE. WHATS THE DIFFERENCE. WHAT IS IT, GOD? Also the self-consciousness i get bc im dating ppl? While arospec? sucks.

Week 2

1. What aro-spectrum labels, terms, descriptors, and identities do you identify with? Neuro-, nebula-, echo-, praes-, minus-, magis-, ficto-, depend-, propeest-, chaein-, idem-, plura-, icula-, arospec, arofluid, schroromantic, (possibly) romoforced.... we dont have many descriptors do we?

2. Talk about other aspects of your identity that are important to you, that are meaningful parts of you like your aromanticism, such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, neurodivergence, mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities, etc.  I’m pansexual, with preferences (depending on whether we’re talking about attraction in theory or in practice,) im nonbinary, VERY Xenic. I’m also polyamorous, believe it or not. I have Autism and a lot of mental illnesses and if we wanna be real fun im Objectum also.

3. How do other aspects of your identity intersect with or affect your aromanticism?  Most obvious thing is Autism makes it a bitch to determine what romantic attraction is. Less obvious is OCD making me feel like im not allowed to be attracted (sexually or romantically) to Real Life People, so 99% of the people I’m attracted to are fictional. My partner system and Griffin Mcelroy are probably the only exceptions. (i love griffin.) I like to think my Polyamory is partially because of my look at love, or at least how i Want to look at it, that theres not A person youre going to love forever and ever and thats your Romance Dude. Theres a fine line between loving no people and loving Lots of people, in my opinion. Really im the worlds worst arospec, im like SUPER romantic?

4. Have any of your identities impacted you realizing you were aromantic, your questioning process, or coming to terms with it?  uuuuuuuuUUUUUuuuuh memory problems again

Week 3

1. What is your favorite aspect of the aro and arospec community?  No one gives a fuck. No one really judges, man. “Hey Im Hatch, I have a partner system with a fuckload of partners in there and im still arospec” and yall just like “well ok how ya doin there”

2. Are there any notable differences in your experiences in this community and other LGBTQIA+ spaces you have been in?  i havent been in many “spaces”

3. What’s one way that the aro community could be better or more inclusive? Do you have any tips on improving in this regard?  Well... I feel like people tend to push aside romantic aros to accomidate nonamorous or romance-repulsed ones. Nonamorous and RR folks DO need way more space in this community, they really do, horribly under-represented, but its a really weird space we have where neither romantic nor non-romantic aros are represented at all

4. Do you think there are flaws in the way that different types of attractions are navigated, discussed, and defined in the aro community?  I dunno, i dont super read that much.

5. Do you consider yourself nonamorous, amorous, aplatonic, experiencing queerplatonic attraction, etc., or do you not use those terms? Are you romance positive, neutral, repulsed, or don’t use those labels? Do these answers intersect?  If amorous means what i think it means, I think im that. I’m very romance positive, i experience QP attraction

6. Have you ever been in a relationship you would consider committed, such as a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, romantic, soft romo, friends-with-benefits, or others? How did being arospec affect that and the boundaries you set?  I’m currently in qp relationships!  I have Dennis and all the qps in my partner system. I don’t really know how the arospec stuff affected it, I think arospec people are just in general more likely to have those relationships but thats about it

[thatgirlonstage]

Podcast Challenge 18/4/18

There is a lot today because I stayed home sick from work and I started getting a headache whenever my eyes were open for too long so I ended up just lying on my bed binging podcasts. Mostly Bright Sessions. I want to catch up with Bright Sessions since that actually seems like, in reach lol unlike MBMBAM. Underneath the cut because there is a LOT (although I chipped away at that monster too)

Bolded means I listened to an episode today. Strikethrough means I’m all caught up and waiting for the next episode :)

The Adventure Zone | Alice Isn’t Dead | The Bright Sessions | Can I Pet Your Dog? | Ear Hustle | The Flop House | The McElroy Brothers Will Be in Trolls 2| My Brother, My Brother, and Me | Sawbones | Shmanners | The Thrilling Adventure Hour | Welcome to Night Vale | Within the Wires | Wonderful!

Podcast: My Brother, My Brother, and Me

Episode: 128: Y Tu Hermano Tambien

Time: 1hr 3 min, 140% of goal

Commentary:

Petition to replace statues of racists with bronze statues of Travis McElroy reclining like Cleopatra

Episode: 129: Krumping Across America

Time: 48 min, 107% of goal

Commentary:

That first question about the Craiglist girlfriend, the one who wanted to have sex with a virgin man, that was just... that was so much, man, you can’t start with that, there’s nowhere to go from there.

Episode: 130: Holy Terror

Time: 49 min, 109% of goal

Commentary:

My ex boyfriend actually did have some kind of olfactory issue - it wasn’t that he couldn’t smell ANYTHING, I don’t think, I’m pretty sure his nose was just like extremely desensitized. The only time it had any kind of consequence was when another friend of ours accidentally forgot some boxed restaurant leftovers in his car and he didn’t notice for like two weeks until someone else got in the car and noticed the stench.

Podcast: The Flop House

Episode: #31 - Swing Vote

Time: 59 min, 131% of goal

Commentary:

That Mystery Team thing actually sounds like a fun concept, although why did they say “they have to solve a murder” like that’s not a thing that Nancy Drew/The Hardy Boys ever did like there wasn’t a ton of guts and gore but there were very much dead people in those stories

Episode: Movie Minute #20 - Pool Cleaning

Time: 3 min, 7% of goal

Commentary:

You know I meant to watch Benjamin Button and just never got around to it

Podcast: Shmanners

Episode: Travel: Boats and Planes

Time: 49 min, 109% of goal

Commentary:

I have been on too many planes I find nothing magical about it anymore. I’m sorry, Travis, I appreciate your optimism and the joy you find in life but I’ve flown a minimum of once every six months since I was three months old and I really can’t summon up awe for it anymore.

I really thought they weren’t going to talk about going through security and I was ready to riot because I could do an entire forty-minute episode of my own just ranting about the IDIOTS I’ve encountered who have no idea how to go through security and take like five years figuring it out

Episode: Travel: Trains and Automobiles

Time: 47 min, 104% of goal

Commentary:

Shmanners: drivers ed edition

“There’s no c [in Shmanners]” but there SHOULD BE THOUGH Lemony Snicket taught me this in The Wide Window when I was seven the prefix is “schm” and it honestly really bothers me that they got this wrong

Podcast: The Bright Sessions

Episode: S3E4: Patient #13-A-3 (Chloe)

Time: 25 min, 56% of goal

Commentary:

We finally meet Frank! His voice is not what I was expecting - I think I imagined him sounding older? - but I like it! And Saaaaaaaam I was wondering why Chloe ran out of the room like that

Episode: S3E5: Sam, September 13th

Time: 26 min, 58% of goal

Commentary:

Sam lists all of the questions I want to know the answers to. Also I really enjoy that we get Sam and Joan more as equals and friends now, I really like this dynamic between them.

Episode: S3E6: Caleb, 9/16

Time: 4 min, 9% of goal

Commentary:

That was TOOTH ROTTING I love it

Episode: S3E7: Friday, 9/23/16

Time: 24 min, 53% of goal

Commentary: 

So we can agree that the entire AM should be burnt to the ground except Officer Decker, yes? Yes.

Ooooooh new character, “Rose”

There should definitely be a Danny Phantom crossover where we fuse the AM and the GIW. I do really appreciate that we get to SEE the “evil scary government agent that does experiments on people” from the perspective of some of the people who work there who AREN’T mad scientists, see how they justify it and willingly blind themselves to the moral issues

Shoutout to Sarah for being the real MVP

“My nephew Adam” OH FUCK NO FUCK FUCK FUCK

Episode: S3E8: friday, studio time w/ the gang

Time: 23 min, 51% of goal

Commentary:

Me this entire episode: PROTECT THEM

Hmm so they’ve brought up the Intrusion episode twice, I thought it was like a non-canonical crossover thing but it seem like maybe they’re actually making a thing of it?

Episode: S3E9: Damien, September

Time: 20 min, 44% of goal

Commentary:

Mark yelling at Damien was WILDLY cathartic

Episode: S3E10: September 24th, 2016

Time: 37 min, 82% of goal

Commentary: 

I JUST WANT MARK TO GET HOME AND BE OKAY

Also lol @ Caleb just trying to handle his sex life while everything else is turning into a Bournian government conspiracy around him

Episode: S3E11: Frank

Time: 38 min, 84% of goal

Commentary:

That was... a lot. I sort of guessed at most of it but it was... a lot.

Episode: S3E12: September 30th, 2016

Time: 10 min, 22% of goal

Commentary:

I suppose I ought to feel a little bad for Damien, but I REALLY don’t. Careful what you fucking wish for, you hypocritical douchebag

Episode: S3E13: Patient #13-A-3 (Chloe)

Time: 22 min, 49% of goal

Commentary:

Mark is such a sweet innocent bean and any attempt to make the AM morally grey is belied by the fact that they, without any cause, kidnapped him, locked him in a basement, and experimented on him for years

Episode: S3E14: sunday, after my session

Time: 5 min, 11% of goal

Commentary:

“You’re the struggling artist and I’m the wealthy old lady patron.” Chloe still isn’t my favorite character but I LOVE her and Sam’s friendship so much

Episode: S3E15: Patient #11-A-7 (Caleb)

Time: 26 min, 58% of goal

Commentary:

Caleb: Okay can we stop talking about my sex life and CONCENTRATE ON THE EVIL GOVERNMENT AGENCY THAT KIDNAPS PEOPLE

What is going to happen to him though because I do NOT like where this foreshadowing is going

Episode: S3E16: Patient #14-A-8 (Rose)

Time: 30 min, 67% of goal

Commentary: 

Rose is super cute! Also, oh man, Mark, I just want to give Mark a hug, man.

Episode: S3E17: Telephone 2

Time: 22 min, 49% of goal

Commentary:

Oh yes hearing Wadsworth get her comeuppance by having Adam confront her was AWESOME

Episode: S3E18: Safe House Part I

Time: 24 min, 53% of goal

Commentary: 

“I beat you once in 1998″ peak sibling right there

Frank WHY

Episode: S3E19: Safe House Part II

Time: 55 min, 122% of goal

Commentary:

Caleb, oh honey, oh, no

I just want all of them to be safe and okay GOD. I mean, Damien can die in a hole, but I don’t want Caleb to have KILLED him, he can die in a hole of natural causes. Chloe is not my favorite character but oh hell yes her last bit in this episode was EVERYTHING to me

Total Listening: 11hr 49 min, 1576% of goal

Ahahahaha like I said, literally all I did today was zone out and listen to podcasts

Ah well, no one on this website has a right to judge me for binging anything

[actmale]

So I really need to get this off my chest. I learned about Griffin and the McElroys from a side sort of view (from a distance) just hearing about their good content. I didn’t really get into anything that actually involved their personalities (because amiibo corner is just a shitpost) until I learned about Cool Games Inc. which was suggested to me on youtube and I watched tons of bits and pieces and fell in love with both Griffin and N!ck.

I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts and so has my wife; we enjoy them on our long drives but it wasn’t until recently that we had any podcast we could listen to together. I decided to give Cool Games Inc. a go since I knew I liked the highlights so the whole thing couldn’t be bad. My wife and I both listened to it and loved it and joked and talked about it. It was something we could share between the two.

The night after talking about it with some friends and joking, the big N!ck “fiasco” happened. I was at work and I saw something my friend posted and looked into it and found out about the whole thing. I felt super upset to my stomach. My job is a lot of driving so I get a lot of time to listen to things, so music and podcasts have become a very important part of my life. Listening to so much music, however has given me a lot of sensory sensitivity problems, though, and this was a day I could definetly not listen to music.

I was upset for a lot of reasons. I was upset because I needed to listen to talking because of my sensory problems, but I couldn’t listen to CGI. I was also upset because in all honesty N!ck was becoming my favorite. But, also I was upset because I felt let down by him; there is so much I expected. I wanted to view all his content as though none of this had ever happened, but it had, and I could never have that be undone. It reminded me a lot of how badly I coped with the death of Satoru Iwata except this was a social death of a person, caused by their own actions.

I’m shitty and was raised as a male, so my entire life I have done problematic shit, and honestly I still do. I’ve been trying to undo it since I gained self awareness to how society acts, but I won’t lie and say that I’m cured; I’m still pretty shitty. This is most noticeable by my reaction to seeing evidence of N!ck’s actions. My first reaction was just “phew it’s not as bad as everyone made it sound, it’s just cringy flirting”. I felt this way because people I know and including me are capable and likely to flirt in such a manner. It was shitty and wrong.

So I put myself through the motions. People continued to point out hos behavior with the evidence and call it harrasment, so I asked myself. “Do I even know what ‘harrasment’ means?” and in all honesty I fucking don’t. I thought about it a lot, how all this was unsolicited and I thought about how my male friends still flirt. I sat there and thought about how they could also be harrasing women and I felt gross. My friends are harrasing women, likely, and that’s fucked up. I figured I was just too distant from the word and biased to judge and decided that even though I, as a person that was raised male, didn’t understand what harrasment was and how N!ck acted was harrasment I wouldn’t let that stop me from thinking what N!ck did was wrong.

I still had some negative feelings over N!ck’s content. I was looking forward to seeing it all, especially Car Boys and now I couldn’t or could I? I didn’t know. Just like I didn’t know what was considered harrasment, I didn’t know if it was okay to see his content. It left me messed up, because I love him and his content, but I had to not like him. Even after seeing posts that it was okay to watch and like his content, I couldn’t put myself to do it. N!ck’s content is so personality based, it’s as much him as it is whatever he is playing/doing. There is no way to fall in love with his content without falling in love with him. And, though, I couldn’t prevent the affection I already had towards him, I could prevent any more affection.

I kept up to date, every day multiple times checking over and over the tags for n!ck and polygon hoping for some consensus but also with great worry. With nothing said on the subject I was always worried If wake up one morning to the news that something terrible happened to him as if checking the tags more often would prevent something like that. I told my wife my worries and I aired my grievences to her, told her about my problems and my maleraised way of thinking and how shitty all this is. I felt shittiest however because I often wished this had not happened or that this had happened later, and thats probably the shittiest scenario. If all this had not come out or had happened later that would have been more time that the truth would not have been known, and more victims to what N!ck was doing. I felt shittiest for making this about myself and not the people that this is about.

I’ve been making do lately by listening to The Adventure Zone, partly at a friends request and partly from actively building a campaign for D&D. Today there was finally an update and N!ck has been let go and he made an apology. I read it, and let out a sigh. His apology was good in my eyes, he showed self awareness and he showed signs of atleast wanting to change. He was being let go and he is willing to change and I feel those two things are the best scenarios.

I have since looked at the reactions to what he has said and a lot of people are still angry at him and even more people are not accepting his apology. When I think about it, it really is an apology to the public and not to the victims. I guess this is just a thing that male shitty culture has numbed me to, bad apologies. So again, I have decided to not let my reaction and opinions take over me. Despite me thinking his apology is good I will side with people who understand better than I. He is not redeemed and his damage not undone. Just because I can’t see his flaws doesn’t mean I won’t treat him like he doesn’t have any. I will attempt to see hin flawed like other people do, even if I don’t fully understand it myself because that will help me understand and remove things from my personality that male culture has numbed me to.

I do rest easier however. I do feel comfortable seeing his content again, maybe because I hope he does eventually become less shitty as no one would hope he remains the same. I am still hoping with the coming time that he apologize better and do something more proactively good. I can’t say I don’t love the idea of N!ck but I will do my best not to like him. I am sorry that in this entire proccess I thought mostly of myself and held and still do hold bad views, but a public figure loved by many was treated justly when doing something wrong. I’ve never been more proud of justive being done properly, and victims being believed and treated well even by people close to N!ck. I hope this becomes a great “un-numbing” to shitty parts of male culture, so people like me won’t have to side with the oppressor or relate to them.

I still apologize to the victims for maki g any of this about me. I apologize for continuing to hold bad views and continuing to not understand the terminology and what’s going on. I’ve never been good with words and their understanding and using them well but that does not undo the problem. Being raised male and numbed to toxic behaviour does not make it okay and, though trying to help it, I will be the first to say I am not there yet and will never be. I will continue to better my views and try to understand. If literally anyone bothered to read all this, that knows me or doesnt, in the fandom or not, understanding or not, please tell me how you feel about this situation. It is hard for me to comprehend and put into words but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be put into them. And if there is anything you can say to help me better my thought process a future me and the people I am around will be forever grateful.

[kuriboo]

and now it’s time for some final thoughts on re:build since the story has come to an end. the final chapter isn’t actually up yet as i’m typing this, because i am making this post first, but if you’re seeing this and the chapter isn’t up and you really are waiting for the last chapter, then it should be soon, i promise. but for now. it is time to reflect

i put up the first chapter of this story in 2017, but i first started planning for this story in early 2015, during my first semester of college, almost two years before that. i spent a long time planning this. even though by the time i started actually writing it and putting it up, i’d already been getting back into writing fanfic for awhile, this was a big part of the process of me getting back into it, because this was probably the first time i started planning a bigger thing like this since i stopped writing in the first place. i was just getting off of being sick at the time. by the time i started actually writing it two years later, i did have most of the planning for this done, but my confidence was very low and i didn’t think i could do it well. i kept putting it off, thinking, by the time i actually get to this i will be better and this will be better. there was a tweet from justin mcelroy going around at the time that was actually what helped push me to just get out there, start writing, and put it up. thank you justin mcelroy.  this story has followed me pretty much throughout my college experience; i’m graduated now. and this story will hold a special place in my heart because of it, because especially my first few semesters, this story was really helping me keep going. 

i did some rping kingdom hearts around the time i started planning this, and some time before that as well. i didn’t rp just kingdom hearts but it was mostly kingdom hearts, and the group i rped in closed down before i ever started writing this and putting it up. i kept trying to get into rping again after that but it never stuck. college kept me busy, and my health just kept...making everything worse. it’s not that i don’t want to rp, or ever didn’t! i’d love to get back into it! but i think i need to figure out my health stuff first. i’m exhausted and depressed and i just can’t keep up with anything like that. please push me back into it when i start feeling better lmao. but when i was rping, two of the biggest characters i was rping were data namine and data riku. which pushed me deeper into the re:coded world and lore and such, and eventually inspired me to write a story. but this story is largely a tribute to those days, to everyone i rped with, because i do miss it, and i hope everyone in the group is doing well. as i got busier and sort’ve spiraled downwards, i’ve become a shittier friend and no longer talk to like, anyone. but rping, and everyone i rped with, meant a lot to me back then, and it still does now.

re:coded....has some obscure holes in it. it’s not like i can’t understand why. it’s nothing that needs to be explained, especially given the game plot and all, and it’s nothing super important. but. i kept thinking ansem was going to appear and he never did! kairi’s not present at all! what the heck! i wanted to explore those thoughts and see what i came up with. what i ended up with was a journey to figure out what happened to kairi and stop ansem’s long term plan of taking over the journal and its original data. the answers to those questions that i came up with ended up being obvious things, at least to me: kairi’s heart is in sora’s, just like kingdom hearts 1, which is the journey re:coded builds itself around (while namine is still kairi’s nobody, and the presence of namine along with kairi having sora’s heart prevents her from existing without intervention), and ansem is still a part of riku, just as he’s always been throughout every kingdom hearts game since, and has just been biding his time. roxas is probably in the best place to figure this all out, and he puts together more of the pieces than anyone else first, before ansem forces his hand, but he doesn’t quite put the pieces together in the right picture, and no one really wants to believe him except riku. sora’s never been the best at figuring these sorts of things out in any game, and namine’s pretty distracted with putting together sora’s memories and playing peacekeeper. riku is certainly the most open to what roxas thinks on the subject but he spends a lot of time overthinking it and then his refusal to draw on his outside resources (his friends) becomes his downfall. the obvious answer can still give an interesting story. thank you steven universe for reminding me/teaching me that.

as far as rebuilding kairi goes, namine was copied to help with that, but kairi’s heart inside sora’s, that wasn’t. it was a combination of pulling out her heart from sora’s (in a different way than kingdom hearts 1! we aren’t doing that again!!) and combining that with a copy of namine’s data, given that namine is kairi’s nobody. we’re not copying hearts here, just the data making up their physical selves? that sounds weird

i wanted this to feel like a sort of natural sequel to re:coded that could actually be seen as something happening in series after re:coded, and that explored some of the aspects of the re:coded world that the game didn’t. where, if nomura actually bothered to use re:coded more the way he could, this could be a sort of re:coded 2. i hope i’ve succeeded, i hope this feels like it could be a sequel to re:coded, because that’s what i wanted to accomplish.

there could be a sort of sequel to this, but don’t hold your breath, and if i do write it, don’t expect that to start any time soon. i barely have a concept, based off of kingdom hearts 3. barely a concept. by the time i started writing this, i already had a whole outline in my head of what specific events were happening and what was going on, what people were doing, and how it would end. as much as i follow justin mcelroy’s advice to this day to not let yourself get hung up on the process and just start writing, just start creating, i need at least some idea of what is actually happening before i start writing. especially something like what re:build 2 (or re:coded 3) would be. that’s nowhere near ready. i will probably end up writing quite a bit of the world ends with yu(gioh) before then.

there’s been some minor changes to this story along the way. i think kingdom hearts 3, when it came out and i was able to play it all, inspired a bit of dialogue that would have been different otherwise. originally, all the chapter titles were going to be song titles, not what they are now, but i’m glad i didn’t follow through on that. most of the original idea and intent is intact, though, not much has changed from my original concepts and plans here. i think it’s for the best.

if you read this whole post, if you read re:build, then thank you. i truly hope you enjoyed it, it’s a story that meant a lot to me and i’m glad i could share. i know not many people really care for re:coded or the world it introduces but i hope you could enjoy this anyway, and i hope i could inspire you to enjoy this world a fraction as much as rping data namine and data riku four/five years ago inspired me to as well. if i could capture even a little bit of that feeling, then i’ve succeeded. if you enjoyed this story, then i’ve succeeded. thank you so much.