#i love tragedy solely to suffer

[adversary-to-inamorato]

"And it's terribly sad"

"That suffering is our only bond"

Full pic

[imagine-you]

all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me [Logan/Reader]

Summary: Sequel to won't somebody come take me home? and closer to where I started. Now that you've decided to put the past behind you, you're focused solely on what the future holds for you, Logan, and your family. Whether that means teaming up with the X-Men to help stop the escalated attacks around the city or sitting down for a nice dinner with Logan, Laura, and Wade, you're ready for all of it. You're so close to being completely happy until you find yourself a victim of one of the attacks and find out that someone from Logan's universe has managed to return. You never expected your new life to be easy, but you certainly never thought Logan's wife would show up and disrupt everything you had built for yourself. Word Count: 9k Author's Note: This chapter may contain: Angst, Reader Whump, Surprise Cameos, Angst, A New Villain, A Disrupted Villain Origin Story, Training Montages, Angst, A Smidge of Hope, Illusions, and…Angst. (but I swear the angst gets resolved. y'all have to trust me!! there will be a happy ending for this fic.)

When I'm With You I'm Home 'verse

won't somebody come take me home? // closer to where I started

Read on AO3

If anyone had told you while you were stuck in the Void that there was a future where you found yourself in another universe and your greatest wish had come true, then you would have chalked it up to a pipe dream and left it at that. If anyone had told you there was a future where your worst nightmare had come true, well then, that would've been easier to believe.  

"What are you making?" Laura asked, peering over your shoulder to get a look at the stove.  

"Something special," you told her, winking at her when she let out an impatient huff. "Steak and pasta," you clarified, turning your attention back to where you were spooning sauce over the steaks, hoping the flavor carried through for you.  

After getting back from your original universe, you had felt like the weight of the past had been lifted off your shoulders. You didn't give a fuck about your original Logan and as far as you were concerned, he could fuck off into whatever happy existence he wanted with Jean. Did you want them to suffer? Maybe. But it was no longer a requirement for you to heal.  

Your Logan had made sure of that.  

Now, weeks had passed, and you felt like a new person. Gone was the obsession with the past and in its place was now your excitement for the future.  

Your future with Logan and Laura and even Wade. Your future with a new family and a new team. Life hadn’t given you a moment of rest, but you were happy to know that when your back was against the wall, you had people ready to jump in and protect you from whatever hit came your way.  

All of you had spent the last couple of weeks wrapped up in the escalated attacks happening throughout the city. There weren't many indicators about who exactly was causing them. Half the time, there were explosions and other times it was just an outright slaughter.  

Logan and Wade were out trying to help the X-Men clean up the latest catastrophe. You had opted to stay home with Laura, taking a moment of well-deserved rest from running from one tragedy to the next. Logan had left you with a promise to return that evening and a kiss that hinted at more later.  

You thought it was cute how Logan kept insisting he was retired, but the first sign of trouble, and he couldn't help but jump right in. It was why you loved him, because even though he had spent years spiraling after the devastation he faced with his old life, he still couldn't help but try to make things better for others.  

You liked to think you had a little something to do with that.  

Even though you were just within reach from a perfect existence, you knew it still wasn't without its problems. You and Logan still had a lot of work to do. Both of you were still holding things close to the chest, afraid to show them and lose everything you had earned.  

Sometimes, you caught Logan simply watching you, wary and concerned, as if he thought you were about to leave him. Other times, when Logan woke in the middle of the night and reached for you, you wondered if he knew it was you or if he still held onto the memory of his wife, seeking her for comfort. Logan had been open and honest with you, but you sometimes got the feeling that he wasn't telling you everything. Some nights, when you couldn't sleep, you would lie awake and watch him, terrified that if given the chance he would leave you in a heartbeat for his old life.  

You always had the feeling like the other shoe was about to drop, so you had taken on the mentality that you were going to enjoy every day you got with him. Which was why you were hellbent on making the perfect dinner and having the perfect dessert all ready to go when he got back home. 

"Shit," you hissed when you started stirring together the ingredients for the pasta sauce. "I forgot one thing," you groaned, glancing over at Laura. "I've got to go out to grab something. Will you keep an eye on this for me? Just make sure it doesn't burn," you instructed her when Laura gifted you with a skeptical look. 

"What if it burns?" Laura wondered, reaching out to take the spoon from you when you handed it to her.  

"Then we'll order takeout," you answered with a shrug of your shoulders. "It won't be a big deal, but I still want to try to get this right," you told her, reaching out to flick her ear. 

Laura turned a glare on you, and you knew if you were anyone else, she would have already brought out her claws. You saw a fond smile take the place of her scowl before she shook her head. "Hurry," she urged you, turning a wary look at the stove.  

"Ten minutes," you promised, reaching out to grab your keys and wallet. "Just going down to the corner store." You saw Laura open her mouth and you knew what she was going to ask. "Yes, I'll get the cookies," you told her, thinking of the chocolate monstrosities she was so obsessed with lately.  

Laura grinned at you, pleased, and cautiously began to stir the sauce.  

You locked the apartment door behind you. You knew Laura was more than capable of taking care of herself and she had already been through hell and back, but you couldn't help but want to protect her in every way you could. She was still a kid, even if she would point out she was seventeen.  

You made it to the tiny market just around the corner from your apartment within four minutes. You were eager to get back and finish dinner. You couldn't wait to see the look on Logan's face when you had dinner all set up and told him that Laura even helped make it. You knew Wade would invite himself to dinner, so you would of course have extra just for him. You knew you wouldn’t be here without him, and while he drove you crazy, you now couldn’t imagine your life without him in it.  

You were a family, fucked up and weird, but full of love.  

You grabbed the cookies Laura wanted and searched for a can of black olives. You caught sight of the spices and started in that direction to see if there was anything extra you wanted to add to the sauce. You figured you had maybe five minutes to get back before Laura insisted she did everything she could to salvage dinner, but maybe you should just order pizza.  

You were reaching out to grab a bottle of parsley flakes when you noticed something pass right in front of you. You startled at the sight of the playing card, faintly glowing pink, as it sailed towards the shelves in front of you.  

You didn't even have time to prepare before the card landed and the shelves exploded. You brought your arms up, trying to shield your face from the shrapnel. The force of the blast was strong enough to throw you back into the shelves behind you. You felt your head connect with the edge of one the shelves and stars exploded in your vision.  

There was a ringing in your ears and the taste of blood in your mouth. Your head felt like it was spinning as you struggled to open your eyes, not even sure when you had closed them.  

You could hear footsteps approaching you and you managed to squint up at the person standing in front of you. Your gaze drifted from his boots to his trench coat and then up to his eyes. They were glowing a faint red.  

"Remy?" You groaned, reaching up to press a hand to your forehead. You blinked a couple of times, trying to make sense of what was going on. You looked at your fingers and they were stained red, blood coating them. Your face was stinging from the bits of shrapnel you hadn’t been able to shield yourself from and the back of your head was aching in a way you had never felt before.  

Remy crouched down in front of you. He reached out and tucked his fingers under your chin, forcing you to look at him. "Now, I know we've never met before, so how is it you know my name?" He turned your head one way and then the other, considering you for a brief moment, before he made a thoughtful noise. "Oh, but believe me, we're going to get to know each other real well, bon ami. Just you wait." His eyes were no longer glowing, but there was a devious look in them you didn't like.  

You attempted to sit up, but your vision swam and you felt like you were going to throw up. “What the hell are you doing?” You attempted to ask, but your words were slurred, and you were having a hard time concentrating on him even though he was right in front of you.  

"Let's get you home, hm?" Remy said, gathering you up in his arms. He stood, lifting you with him, and you tried to wriggle out of his hold, but he was clutching you tightly enough that you couldn’t move.  

The last thing you saw was the underside Remy's jaw and the blur of the ceiling tiles above you before darkness swept in to collect you.  

You woke to sunlight that had escaped past the curtains in your bedroom and crept right towards you. It was an unwelcome intrusion and you brought your hand up to shield your eyes.  

You groaned, forcing yourself to sit up, before squinting at your surroundings. Your head was aching, each pound of your heart sending a bolt of pain right behind your eyes. You didn’t remember drinking the night before or even crawling into bed, but it felt like the worst hangover you had ever experienced. 

"Fuck," you grumbled before forcing yourself out of bed. Logan seemed to already be up, and you wondered if he had liked your dinner the night before. There was something wrong, something off, but you didn't know what it was yet. You were having trouble thinking past the pain.  

You walked towards your bedroom door, intent on hunting down the bottle of painkillers you kept in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. You tried to think about what happened before you fell asleep and finally your memories came back to you in a dizzying rush.  

Making dinner, leaving Laura in charge, and locking the door behind you. Going to the store, a playing card that ending in an explosion, and Remy promising to take you home.  

"I had the weirdest dream," you muttered as you stumbled out into the living room. The pain in your head spiked with every footstep and your mouth was so dry your tongue felt like it was sticking to the roof of your mouth.  

The first thing you noticed was that Logan was sitting at the kitchen table and the second was that he wasn't alone. You froze just a few feet away from the table trying to make sense of what was in front of you.  

Because Logan was there in his usual seat at the table and he had his hand outstretched over the surface. His hand was clutching the stranger's like a lifeline and he looked as if the person in front of him had just saved him from his own personal torment.  

You slowly rounded the table, a twisting feeling of dread in your gut, as you got a look at the stranger.  

It was you.  

Well, not you. She had a scar crossing one of her eyes and her hair was a different color. She carried herself with more confidence, her shoulders not slumped and head held high. She was wearing the same yellow and blue X-Men suit you first saw your Logan in when you were trapped in the Void.  

But she was still undeniably you. Just a variant you could have been in another universe.  

"What?" You felt helpless as you looked to her and then to Logan. Pain had been overtaken by confusion and now you felt like you were going to pass out for an entirely different reason. "What's going on?" 

"My wife," Logan said, finally tearing his gaze away from her to look at you. "She's back. A portal opened up last night and she walked right through it." His voice was filled with incredulous awe, and it felt like there was a knife digging into your chest. Your breath hitched and you tried to push past the feeling being carved out right where your heart resided.  

You didn't think it could get any worse until you noticed the look of pure love and adoration he gifted her. You had only ever seen that look aimed at you and seeing it given so freely to someone else had you clenching your fists at your sides, anger washing over you.  

"So, what?" You snapped, trying and failing to keep the hurt out of your tone. "She's just going to live here now? We'll all be one big happy family?" You didn't want to fight anyone for Logan's attention. Not again. Not after what happened with Jean in your other universe. You couldn't lose again. You wouldn't.  

Logan stared up at you before he finally looked back at his wife. "We're still married," he pointed out, brushing his thumb gently over the wedding ring on his wife's hand. "And she was my first love," he continued, twisting the knife deeper and deeper. "I'm sorry, but I can't leave her again." 

You watched the couple in front of you, frozen in that moment. Hurt and indecision rose within you and you felt trapped.  

"So, what does that mean for me?" Your voice sounded so small and scared that you almost didn't believe it was yours. You had never felt this way with your Logan before and you didn't know what to do.  

Logan finally tore his gaze away from his wife to look at you again.  

"I'm sorry, but now that I have her back...," he trailed off, letting you assume the rest for yourself. "You can stay until you find somewhere else to go," he offered, as if it was any consolation.  

You let out a hollow little laugh as you took a step away from him. You couldn't believe what you were hearing. Logan, after everything you had been through together, was giving you up as if you meant nothing to him. The same ache and loneliness you felt back in your original universe was descending on you again. You thought you had put those feelings behind you, but now you were having to confront them again in the worst way.  

Because this Logan had loved you like the other one never had and this one had promised never to hurt you. But here he was, crushing any hope you had that this Logan would be different.  

You forced yourself to turn around, putting your back to them. You couldn't stand to look at them anymore.  

You were faced with Laura standing there in the doorway of the apartment. She was silent, watching you, and you had a sinking feeling in your gut that told you this wouldn't go your way either.  

"Laura, I--," you started as you approached her, not even sure where you would end up. "Do you want to come with me?" Was what you settled on, because evidently you couldn't stay here. You had been through so much with Laura. You had survived the Void together and fought together just to survive. Surely, that had to mean something to her. ‘Don’t leave me all alone,’ was what you wanted to beg, but you didn’t want Logan to have the satisfaction of seeing you brought down to your lowest point.  

Laura took a few steps forward and you wondered if she would meet you in the middle. Instead, she walked past you and stood at the table, joining Logan and his wife. "I can't lose him again," Laura said, echoing your thoughts. Except, Laura could stay and you had to go.  

You saw Logan's wife, the other you, the one he was choosing over you, reach out to flick Laura's ear. Instead of snapping at her, Laura turned a fond, soft smile on the other you and you felt another piece of your heart break.  

That was your thing with Laura and that should have been your smile. Logan's wife had swept in and cleared you out, leaving no room for you.  

You could feel the fight or flight instinct rising within you and you chose to get the hell out of there. It wasn't your home anymore, because someone had filled your role. You were no longer needed.  

You didn't even know where you were going to go, but you somehow found yourself right at Wade's doorstep. You brought your hand up to knock, terror and despair coursing through you.  

Wade answered the door in a suit and tie. You would have asked him what the hell was going on, but he didn't give you a chance to talk. He leaned on the doorframe, considering you with a grimace. "I thought you'd show up here after you found out." 

"You know?" You weren't sure why it felt like such a betrayal, but you always thought Wade would have had your back. Why didn't he track you down and warn you? Why had no one just given you some kind of heads up that you would be completely ousted from the life you had built for yourself with Logan? 

"Sure do, baby bird," Wade confirmed with a quick nod of his head. There was something off in his tone. This didn't feel like the same Wade you had come to know and reluctantly love. This almost felt like a stranger wearing a Wade mask. "I was there when she showed up. Just walked right out of that portal and into Logan's arms like she hasn't been dead for the past who knows how long." 

You hated that you could picture that perfectly, as if Wade's memory was playing out in your head.  

"Yeah, well, it looks like I'm not needed anymore now that he has who he really wants." You felt like an idiot for ever thinking you were more than just a placeholder for Logan's wife. You didn't want to cry in front of Wade, but you could feel the sting of tears in your eyes.  

Wade tilted his head to the side, watching you with an intensity that was almost unnerving. "So, what are you gonna do now?" 

"Can I stay here?" You tried, knowing that you couldn't go back to your apartment. You didn't want to ever step foot in there again, knowing that the bright, happy memories you had created were now tainted with misery.  

Wade brought his foot back, kicking the door to his apartment open enough for you to see Vanessa seated at the table. "No can do," Wade answered with a wince. "You see, I'm trying to win her back over and I'm already sharing a one bedroom apartment with Blind Al, so it's a little cramped around here. But hey, if you join the X-Men, it usually comes with free room and board. They'll take anyone," he got out on a laugh, before he waved his hand. "Well, except for me. You shoot one person," he lamented, shaking his head in disappointment. "Or, hey, I hear Love Island is casting. Might be time to find you a new boo." 

"So," you started, trying to reconcile the fact that you no longer had a home with Logan and now you couldn't find one either with Wade. "I can't stay here," you said, and it was no longer a question, it was just a fact of your new lonely, pathetic existence. 

There was something so off about everything that had happened that day and you were trying to make sense of all of it. You had just spent the night before making a special dinner for your family and now you didn't even have one.  

Everything was happening so fast that you felt like you weren’t even really processing it. Why hadn’t you just stayed at the apartment and fought for Logan? This was your life. Your home, your family, your love. Why were you just giving it all up so easily? You didn’t understand, but now you weren’t even sure you would be able to force yourself to go back. 

"No," Wade admitted, with a sheepish grin. "It's not only Vanessa, you see, but Logan. I mean, Deadpool and Wolverine are a package deal now. There's no breaking up that superhero wet dream team and if I'm harboring his ex? Then that'll just make it more awkward than the time I used his toothbrush on Dogpool. Trust me, he made me regret that one. There are some places those claws of his should not go," he warned with a shudder.  

Hearing Wade refer to you as Logan's ex broke something inside you. You could feel hurt begin to overwhelm you, swiftly replaced by anger. You let out a short, sharp scream of frustration. You didn't even realize you had formed a forcefield around you and pushed out with it until you realized Wade had been knocked several steps back.  

"Y/N--" Wade started, but you turned away from him.  

You didn't want to be placated and you didn't want to deal with anymore of Wade's nonsense. You let yourself go invisible, knowing that it was the only way you would feel safe now.  

You wandered around the neighborhood for hours, trying to figure out where you belonged. You trudged from street to street before unerringly finding your way back to your apartment complex once night fell. You didn't dare go inside, but you stayed out on the sidewalk. People passed by you, never knowing you were even there, and you kept your gaze up on the window that shone brightest in the dark.  

Logan was up there. He was with his wife and Laura and they were a family in their home enjoying a night together. You were no one with nothing and no home to share with anyone. 

You weren't sure why you stayed there for so long, but you thought it had something to do with hope and an inane wish that he would come downstairs and tell you it was all some sick joke. You thought of his promise that he would always find you, even when you were hidden, but that hadn't been true either.  

Logan was happy without you, because he had what he really wanted all along. So, why would he come find you when he didn't even need you anymore? 

Or worse, Logan knew you were down here and just didn't care about you anymore.  

With that revelation, you turned and walked away. There was a swirling mess of thoughts stuck in your head that dredged up the same old insecurities you thought you had shed once and for all.  

You would never be good enough. You were unloved. You didn't matter. You weren't worth anything. 

You had no one.  

You felt tears slide down your cheeks as you aimlessly roamed from place to place. You next found yourself outside the X-Mansion, wondering if you should take Wade's advice and join up with the X-Men. As much as you longed to feel like you belonged somewhere, you didn't think you could go back to saving people with a smile on your face like you weren't slowly withering inside.  

There was a whisper of your name on the air. You glanced over your shoulder, looking to see who called your name, but you found no one. It had been so faint that you might have imagined it, but there was a feeling, an electrified touch, that had briefly set your nerves alight.  

You weren't sure what time it was, but you were exhausted. You found it pathetic and sad that you didn't have anywhere to go. You didn't even have money for a hotel room. All you could think to do was find a park and drop down onto a bench. At the very least, you knew you could protect yourself if anyone tried to attack you.  

You formed a forcefield around you, ignoring the fact that it would only slip away while you slept, and let yourself drift away.  

When you woke, you weren't alone. You jolted in place, suddenly wide awake, and scrambled to sit up. On the bench across from yours, a man was sitting reading a newspaper.  

He quirked an eyebrow at you when he realized he had your attention.  

"I was wondering when you would wake up," he said, lowering the newspaper.  

He had dark eyes and darker hair. He wore a suit with a black trench coat, but the illusion of a businessman was ruined by the combat boots he was wearing. His skin was pale and there was a faint ring of red around his eyes that had you wondering if he was wearing makeup. His appearance, oddly enough, seemed false, but the grin on his face was genuine, if a bit unsettling.  

"Were you watching me?" You couldn't help but wonder, half-torn between becoming invisible to make your escape and staying to get answers.  

"Yes," he answered, unashamed by his actions. "I thought it fascinating that someone would let you stay out here all alone. You don't deserve that, so I stayed to keep watch over you." 

You wanted to tell him you could take care of yourself, but you didn't feel so sure about that anymore. The reminder of your loneliness crept up on you and you could feel doubt settle over you. You were on your own now without a team. No one was going to come save you if you found yourself in trouble. You would simply have to claw your own way out.  

"What's your name?" You decided to ask instead, studying him from across the small concrete path that separated you.  

"Nathaniel," he introduced himself with a smile. "And you are?" 

"Y/N," you returned, with a half-hearted wave.  

"Now, I know we just met, but I do have one thing on my mind," Nathaniel started, leaning in towards you after placing his newspaper on the bench beside him. "What on earth are you doing out here all by yourself?" 

You felt your lips twist to the side in a frown as you bit down on the side of your mouth to keep a lid on the emotions that threatened to boil over at the reminder of the previous day. "I--," you cut yourself off, not sure how to phrase your situation to a stranger without making it seem as if you had completely lost your mind. "I lost my home yesterday," you settled on with a grimace. "My family kicked me out." 

Nathaniel made a sympathetic noise before he stood up. "May I?" He asked, gesturing towards your bench. 

You shrugged your shoulders in answer but moved over to leave him enough space to sit down beside you.  

"In my experience, family is a fickle thing," Nathaniel continued once he was at your side. "People come and go, but you have to be able to stand by yourself and forge your own path once it all falls apart." 

"I don't know if I can do that this time," you whispered, ashamed to admit that you were on the brink of losing whatever control over your emotions you had managed since waking up.  

Nathaniel turned so he could watch you. It was a bit unnerving, but you figured you had no one else for company. A smirk tugged at his lips as he studied you. "You're a fighter," he assured you.  

"Oh?" You wondered, returning his stare. "And how would you know that?" 

His smirk was still in place as he tapped his temple. "I'm psychic," he proclaimed, holding up his fingers and waving them before imitating a ghostly wail.  

You couldn't help the laugh that escaped you and it felt so wrong.  

"There we go," Nathaniel murmured with a pleased smile. "Look, I know you don't know me, but how about a drink? Coffee?" He prompted, moving to stand and holding out a hand to you.  

You didn't want to wallow in your misery on the park bench all by yourself and you figured Nathaniel made a decent enough distraction. "You're paying," you told him, reluctantly grabbing his hand and letting him help you up. "Only because I don't have any money." 

Nathaniel laughed, the sound briefly jarring to you, and cocked his head to the side. "In that case, I'll buy you breakfast too." 

You found yourself in a diner booth sitting across from Nathaniel. He offered to buy you whatever you wanted, but you settled for a cup of coffee and a stack of pancakes. You weren't all that hungry and you couldn't get your mind off Logan. You wondered what he was doing right at that moment and then you dashed the thought. He was probably happy with his wife and Laura and had forgotten all about you.  

"Hey," Nathaniel called, getting your attention. "Where did you go?" 

You shook your head, biting your lip to distract yourself.  

"Thinking about your family?" He prompted, shooting you a wary look. "I know I'm a stranger and it's none of my business, but do you want to tell me what happened? Maybe I can offer some perspective." 

You scowled down at your pancakes, pushing them halfheartedly around the plate with a fork. You glanced around the diner, spotting a blonde woman wearing a white suit watching you curiously from a booth not far from yours. You shook your head at Nathaniel, not wanting anyone to overhear you.  

"Let's get out of here," you told him, pushing yourself out of the booth. "I could use a walk to clear my head." 

"Alright," Nathaniel readily agreed, standing as well. While he placed a twenty on the table, you made for the door.  

There was that whisper again in the air that had you looking over your shoulder. Someone was calling your name, but you didn't see anyone you recognized. No one was even looking at you except for Nathaniel who was slowly approaching you.  

"You okay?" Nathaniel interrupted, stealing your attention away.  

"Yeah," you muttered, briefly nodding your head. "Just c'mon," you said, barely waiting for Nathaniel to follow you before you pushed through the door and walked outside.  

You didn't think you would be able to confide in a total stranger, but there was something strangely freeing about unloading all the burdens on your mind to someone who didn't know anything about you. You even managed to drop the mutant bomb on him and were surprised when Nathaniel only took it in stride, as if he had expected all along you weren’t quite normal. He mostly seemed focused on what you told him about your family and how you lost them all in one fell swoop.  

"Sounds like you're better off without them," Nathaniel mused. "Anyone who would let you go like that is an idiot." 

"Maybe," you begrudgingly agreed. You didn't think it was possible, but Nathaniel had managed to make you feel better. Maybe letting out all your worries had briefly unburdened you. Or maybe since you lost everyone, you had been desperate to hear someone tell you it wasn’t your fault.  

"They're all ungrateful idiots," Nathaniel continued. "You're special," he told you. "And you deserve more." 

His tone brooked no argument, but you were a little thrown off by how serious he seemed.  

"I don't know what I'm going to do now," you deflected, scowling down at your hands. "I don't have anyone or anywhere to go. And I've just spent the day with a stranger telling him my whole pathetic sob story." 

"I'm not a stranger anymore," Nathaniel offered with a grin. "You know my name and everything." 

"I know literally nothing else about you," you pointed out. You were starting to feel apprehensive about trusting someone you didn't even know. Your head was beginning to hurt and you could feel your hands trembling. You weren't sure why panic had hit you all at once, but you could feel your heart beating overtime in your chest and a cold sweat begin to break out along your skin. You were beginning to hyperventilate, confused and overwhelmed, when Nathaniel took you by the shoulders and forced you to look into his eyes.  

"Hey, it's all going to be okay. Just trust me, alright? Y/N, you with me?"  

You tried to focus on Nathaniel, but there was a ringing in your ears and you swore someone else was trying to get your attention. You shook your head, trying to keep yourself from falling right into a spiral. You forced yourself to take slow, deep breaths, realizing that Nathaniel was also taking them, trying to coach you through your anxiety attack.  

You closed your eyes once you finally felt like you could stand on your own two feet without freaking out. You took a moment to center yourself before allowing yourself to open your eyes again.  

"Thanks," you whispered, nodding at him when he shot you a skeptical look. "I'm fine. I'll be fine," you claimed, even though you knew it was a lie. You were tired of loving and losing. Your heart ached for Logan and you knew that you would never recover from losing him. But Nathaniel, odd as he was, had managed to help you feel like maybe you didn't have to spend the rest of your existence completely alone.  

"I know you will," Nathaniel confirmed with another one of his smiles. "Because you're coming home with me." 

You stared at Nathaniel, waiting for the punchline, but it never came. "I could be a serial killer," you warned him with a scoff. "And you're inviting me into your home?" 

Nathaniel shrugged his shoulders, a smirk on his face. "I'm not scared of you." 

He sounded so sure of himself that you couldn't help the disbelieving laugh that escaped you. "You're completely insane, aren't you?" 

"So, is that a yes?" Nathaniel wondered, holding his hand out to you and waiting for you to take it. "Will you join me?" 

You stared down at his hand for a beat too long to be socially acceptable. It felt like you were about to make a deal with the devil, but Nathaniel had been nothing but kind. He had given you a shoulder to cry on and was now giving you a place to go so you wouldn’t have to spend another night on a park bench. 

You knew it was probably a bad idea, but you still found yourself reaching out to take his hand.  

"Okay," you reluctantly agreed. "I'll go with you." 

You thought it would be weird once you found yourself in Nathaniel's apartment, but it felt oddly familiar. He had a guest room that he had designated as yours and made sure you could take whatever you wanted from the fridge. You didn't know how to return his kindness, but you knew you would have to find a way.  

Nathaniel had gone out to get dinner while you waited on his couch, idly flipping through channels. You were starting to doze off, exhausted, when you heard someone calling for you.  

You squinted at the television, wondering if you were hearing things, when it happened again. You had stopped on a news report, catching sight of the woman from the diner. You assumed she was a news anchor, but the way she was looking at the camera gave you the eerie sensation that she was somehow actually watching you. When her gaze drifted over, as if looking at someone behind you, you rushed to turn off the television. 

You cautiously glanced over your shoulder, half-expecting to see someone standing there. But you were alone.  

 “Y/N,” the voice called again. It was faint, like they were outside, but close enough for you to hear.  

“What the fuck is happening?” You growled, growing frustrated. “Where are you?” 

You stood, wondering if you should go looking for whoever was trying to reach you, when Nathaniel walked into the apartment. He held up the bag of takeout and nodded towards the kitchen table.  

"Ready to eat?" 

Time dragged on as days and weeks passed. You still thought of Logan practically every waking moment, but Nathaniel had done his best to distract you.  

You were grateful for him, because you didn't know how you would have lived without someone there to fill the void in your life.  

You weren't sure what day it was or even how long had passed since you last saw Logan, but you knew that you had started to heal.  

"Sometimes," Nathaniel told you once you voiced that thought to him. "You have to let something break so you can piece it back together to get something new. To get what you truly want. What is it that you want, Y/N?" Nathaniel studied you with the same unnerving intensity he always did and you hated to admit that you were finding it less weird each time it happened.  

Logan was the first thought that came to your mind. You wanted Logan and you wanted your home and you wanted your family. You wanted to show Laura how to cook and you wanted to follow Wade into crazy situations, knowing that he would have your back just like you had his back. You wanted to crawl into bed with Logan at the end of each day knowing that you were wanted and cherished.  

Nathaniel made a disappointed noise before he shook his head. "There's no going back," he told you "I'm sorry, but it's just not going to happen." 

You didn't like the way he sounded so sure of himself. Nathaniel didn't know Logan and he didn't even really know you. You had spent weeks with him, but years of your life had been devoted to a Logan. Your Logan had been better, you knew it, so maybe you were the one who wasn't worthy.  

Nathaniel made a tsking noise before he reached out. He wrapped his hand lightly along the underside of your jaw, his thumb pressed to the other side of your neck over your pulse point. He considered you for a long moment, as if he was searching for something.  

"He left you," Nathaniel reminded you, as if it hadn't been eating you up inside since it happened. "You are special. You deserve to be cherished," he continued, and you started to worry about the potentially romantic direction he was going with his lecture. A brief smile flitted across his face, as if he could read your mind, before his expression slipped back towards something more serious. "You're lost and you're broken," he added, gently sweeping his thumb over your pulse point. "Let me put the pieces back together." 

You weren't even sure if you trusted Nathaniel, but you had spent so long hurting that you were tempted to say yes.  

You suddenly felt like someone had brushed their hand over the back of your head and you heard someone call your name. It was the same voice as before and you knew better than to look for someone you wouldn't find. But Nathaniel's eyes strayed just over your shoulder, as if he had heard it too. There was a brief flicker of irritation on his face before he gifted you with a sincere smile.  

"I've got you," he promised. "No one is ever going to get near you again." 

"Okay," you finally agreed, if only because you were curious about what he had in mind. You also couldn't deny that you were just so desperate to not fall back into that desolate pit of isolation you had begun to dig for yourself. Nathaniel saw you and he wanted you. There wasn't much else you felt like you could ask for now.  

And if Nathaniel's sharp smile sent a shiver through you for all the wrong reasons, then you were the only one who had to know about that.  

Nathaniel seemed insistent that in order to move on, you would have to make yourself stronger. To him, that seemed to mean training day and night, improving upon your power in new and terrifying ways.  

You spent hours, days, weeks, stretching the limits of your power. Your power had always been meant as a defense, to protect and contain, but now you wanted to wield it as a weapon.  

Your progress felt excruciatingly slow, but you had to admit that you were pleased with the results. It started simple enough with just a thought. You wanted your forcefields to hurt. The barriers you would have erected to protect yourself should also be used to hurt anyone who dared get too close.   

Nathaniel had rented out an abandoned location in a strip mall and set up targets for you to use. More often than not, he was watching you, as if he was waiting for something. Other times, he seemed content to leave you alone, trusting you would have something new to show him when he returned.  

You practiced on the targets, first forming forcefields around your fists and breaking anything that stood in your way. Nothing held up to them and you started growing bored of that tactic. You started to think that if you could form a forcefield, then it could be any shape you wanted. Spikes, swords, knives all began to adorn the edges of your forcefields, facing out and ready to maim anything that was in the way.  

Nathaniel seemed eager when you first formed a forcefield that was outlined with spikes and used it to repeatedly stab holes into the brick fence that lined the back of the property. You were sure he was never going to get his deposit back, but he didn't even seem to care. He only encouraged you to think bigger and do more.  

With time, you were even able to produce two forcefields at once. It was exhausting and drained all your energy, but you liked the idea of protecting yourself while also using a different forcefield to hurt an attacker. From there, it was only natural to think of taking a forcefield, forming it around an enemy, and turning the projected spikes inward, letting them impale your target without a way to escape.  

You felt stronger and invulnerable. You had never thought to test your power like this, and the feeling was nearly intoxicating. Logan and Laura and Wade were still on your mind, but now you knew that you didn’t need them. Like Nathaniel told you, you could stand on your own and forge your own path ahead.  

No one would hold you back now.  

The first time you felt the full force of your own power was when Nathaniel was taunting you into a reaction.  

"He doesn't care about you anymore. He's moved on with the true love of his life and you are nothing to him. You don't need him anymore. You can show him that you're better off without him." 

There were targets surrounding you, but you didn't care about them. All you could think about was Logan and the stupid lovelorn look on his face as he looked at his wife. He looked like he had been saved. Saved from you and whatever pathetic existence he was ready to settle for in her absence. You deserved better and you wanted to rip that stupid look right off his face. You wanted to make him and her regret it.  

You let out a scream of frustration, punching out with your forcefield at one of the targets, but it got carried away from you. All the targets snapped back, taken out at once from the blast. It carried farther out, nearly ripping the door off its hinges and shattering the front windows.  

You looked at Nathaniel, where he was splayed on the floor, staring up at you in awe.  

"You did it," he praised as he began to push himself to his feet. You crossed over towards him, holding out your hand to help get him up off the floor. “I knew you could do it.” 

"What was that?" You wondered, breathless and ecstatic. Your power had never quite felt like that before. You wanted to try it again, the rush of it addicting. If you could hone that and strengthen it, then you could use it on multiple enemies at once. You could become nearly unstoppable.   

"A repulsion field," Nathaniel answered, reaching out to rest a hand on your shoulder. "With time, I expect you'll be able to direct it and control it. You’ll be able to take out a whole city if you want." 

"Shit," you breathed, still shocked that you had managed something like that. "I didn't think I could use my power in that way. It was...exciting," you decided with a grin at Nathaniel.  

"I told you that you're special," he reminded you. "I knew you had that in you all along." 

"Thank you," you found yourself saying. You considered the targets on the floor and wondered if there would be any more use in them.  

"I have extras," Nathaniel assured you. "Want to try again?" 

You felt a pleased little thrill shoot through you at the thought. "Fuck yes," you answered.  

A week passed since you found out about the extra perk your power allowed you. You felt more confident and assured of yourself. Gone was the self-doubt and in its place was a feeling that you could defeat anyone or anything.  

You were walking to the store with Nathaniel, thinking about what you might want to make for dinner. Nathaniel was being unusually quiet and leaving you alone to your thoughts. You wondered if something was wrong, but then you spotted her.  

It was you. The other you. She was alone. No Logan or Laura or Wade in her vicinity.  

You couldn't help the way you froze on the sidewalk or the fury that rose up swiftly enough you felt nearly sick with it.  

She was to blame for everything. She had stolen your life away from you and now she got to be happy while you spent the rest of your life wanting someone you would never have again.  

"Is that her?" Nathaniel asked, rounding back to standing at your side. "The one who stole your life from you?" 

You nodded your head, attempting to keep a lid on your anger.  

"Why don't you make her regret it?" 

The idea was so simple, but so damn tempting. You could just imagine the look on her face when she realized she was incredibly outmatched now. You could destroy her within seconds and she would never be able to stop you. 

You knew it wasn't something you should entertain. You had lived your whole life as a hero. There was a line you would have never dared to cross before but after everything that had happened, you were starting to realize that line was blurred beyond recognition. As far as you were concerned, she had stolen your life from you, and it was only right that she realized what a mistake that had been.  

"You're better than her now. Stronger," Nathaniel continued, leaning in closer to you. "She can't do half of what you can. Show her what you've learned." 

"I don't know," you tried to deflect. You wanted your revenge, but there was still a tiny voice in your head saying it wasn’t right. It wasn’t what you were supposed to do. 

"Aren't you tired?" Nathaniel hissed, his hand coming up to clutch your shoulder in a near-painful grip. "Tired of being the doormat. The hero. The martyr. Don't let them get away with it. Don't let her walk away." 

You didn't even realize you had made up your mind until you were walking up to the other you. She was checking out a display of plants that had been left outside of the market for customers to choose, but she seemed to sense your approach, because she turned to consider you.  

You weren't sure what she saw when she looked at you, but her eyes went wide with fear, and she immediately pulled up a forcefield. You stalked forward, intent on your target. You didn't care if anyone was watching, because you felt like you were completely justified in your actions.  

You passed right through her forcefield and pushed her back. She fell to the ground, staring up at you in terror. You pulled your fist back, forming your own forcefield around it. You let spikes form along the outside facing towards her. All you had to do was bring it down onto her face. It would be a killing blow, and you would never have to think about her again. Logan would lose the love of his life, but maybe he would come back to you. Maybe you could return to him stronger, better, and without any more competition.  

For a moment, as you looked right into her face, it was like gazing into a mirror. The scar was gone, her hair was the same as yours, and you were wearing similar clothes. She looked just like you.  

You were convinced that she was you.  

And that made you pull back, horrified at what you had almost done.  

Her eyes were closed, ready for a blow that you weren't capable of dealing any longer.  

"I'm sorry," you whispered before stepping away, propelling yourself right out of her forcefield.  

"Y/N?" Nathaniel called, pulling your attention towards him. "What are you doing? She's right there. Kill her," he demanded, his lips pulling back in a sneer.  

You shook your head, feeling something indescribable but ultimately terrified swell within you. What had you become? What had Nathaniel done to you? You had let him so far into your head that you had almost done something unspeakable.  

You made yourself go invisible before you took off running. You didn't know where you were going or where you would even hide, but you knew that you needed to get away from Nathaniel. He had pushed you to do more, be more, and you had never once stopped to think about which road you were heading down and whether it would lead you right to the point of no return.  

You could hear Nathaniel yelling for you to stop and come back, but you didn't listen. You wanted to get away from him and just think. It felt like you had let him take up residence in your head and now you wanted to figure out how the hell to evict him.  

You ran until you felt like you were going to collapse. You finally stopped outside of a library. You rushed inside, catching a glimpse of the news anchor flipping through a book as you went right for the back corner.  Two bookshelves met there and you sank right to the floor in front of them. You dropped your head into your hands and forced yourself to take deep breaths.  

"Y/N," you heard someone call. It wasn't Nathaniel and it wasn't anyone else you immediately recognized. But it was familiar. They had been trying to get your attention all along.  

"What," you snapped, already feeling like you were on the verge of crumbling. Nathaniel had been right that you were broken, but who was going to put the pieces back together this time? It felt like Nathaniel had managed to piece them back together all wrong and you didn't even feel like yourself anymore.  

"Y/N," the voice called again.  

You closed your eyes and focused on the voice. You reached out for it, desperate for any sort of lifeline. It was a spark right at the back of your mind. You rushed to meet it, eager to figure out who had been trying to talk to you.  

"My name is Charles Xavier."  

You startled, nearly letting the tenuous connection between you and Charles drop, but finally throwing everything you had towards it.  

"This world is a lie," Charles continued once he realized you could hear him. "Do not let him break you. They're coming to find you." 

"Who?" You couldn't help but ask, hope and fear clashing inside you, threatening to overwhelm you.  

"A rather odd group of saviors," Charles answered, a hint of amusement clear in his words. "But stay strong and do what you can to break free of his hold. He has a way to keep me out, so once he finds you, I’m afraid I won’t be much help to you. Just hold on until they get there." 

You didn't know how you were going to get yourself out. You were starting to think it was hopeless, because you hadn’t even realized you were trapped in the first place. The more you thought about it, though, the more obvious it became that something had been wrong since the morning you woke up and Logan’s wife was sitting in your kitchen. The fact that she had come back from the dead, Logan’s quick dismissal of you, Laura and Wade both turning their backs on you. Nathaniel’s convenient timing and the way he watched you as if you were nothing more than an experiment for him. A pet mutant he could poke and prod and play with while you were none the wiser.   

“Who’s coming to find me?” You didn’t dare to assume that you were worth the rescue, but you couldn’t help yourself. You had to know. You had to hold onto the one little spark of hope you could feel burning defiantly inside you.  

For one terrifying moment, your mind was still, and you felt crushingly alone. Just when you thought you had been abandoned, Charles left you with one final word.  

"Logan." 

Author's Note: There will be a fourth chapter! Did I have you going for a while there? I felt so evil writing this. I truly did. If you liked this, please let me know. Not to sound needy, but comments/reblogs/etc. literally fuel me to write more and inspire me so much to keep coming up with fun stuff. Thank you to everyone who has shown this series any support! Also, if you would like to be added/removed from the taglist, just let me know!

Taglist: @wonderfrost @mrsyixingunicorn10 @blackbleedingrose @arrozyfrijoles23 @elianamarie-blog

@sarahskywalker-amidala @whiskytoast @shizzybarnaclee @zbeez-outlet @halepack2011

@facelessfionna @i-left-my-cat-on-the-stove @whyam1heree @serendippindots @janilovecookies

@lollipopsandstuff @4ria790 @jtthompson @id-rather-be-in-middle-earth @the-gentle-spirit

@hazel2928 @gothicknightz @mkay33 @bibblesdiscordkitten @albionfay

@songwizard @kailera @zeeader @amandarobertsboyce @shilohh28

@astudyoftimeywimeystuff

[spacerockfloater]

hi! i noticed you learnt about what ryan condal said regarding blood and cheese. it was…something. i would like to know your thoughts on the matter. though it would be completely understandable if you need sometime to gather them together or if you would rather not at all! thank you and bye!

Hello beloved, thank you so much for asking me! I’d love to share my opinion!

If anyone’s wondering, @rhaenelle is referring to this interview where Ryan Condal essentially says he believes that Blood & Cheese’s brutality and heinousness was exaggerated by the Greens in a propagandistic attempt to convince their subjects that Rhaenyra and Daemon are the worst villains ever born, hence why he toned the event down; to show us what he thinks is the accurate version of Jaehaerys’ murder.

Now, I am aware that Condal had already warned us that HOTD was going to be a feminist retelling of the events of F&B, which practically means that his plan has always been to whitewash the everlasting fuck out of Rhaenyra. So what do I think about this?

Well, for starters, I think that Ryan Condal is an excellent businessman. He knows what kind of tropes are going to make the audience engage with his show. He understands that people need a hero to cheer for and a villain to hate, therefore he removed the moral ambiguity from all of the characters and divided them into two categories: the Blacks, enlightened revolutionaries full of passion, deserving of admiration and correct in everything they do, and the Greens, pious fools with a moral superiority complex who are stack in the ways of the past and commit despicable crimes. The average viewer does not possess the intelligence to comprehend that both parties have their good and bad moments, and that they’re both correct in fighting for what each believes is rightfully theirs. Simultaneously, he benefits from the modern trends that want women in media to take revenge when they are wronged and emerge as triumphant girlbosses, because of course a white upper class woman’s suffering in a western world (or Westeros) society has everything to do with her gender and nothing to do with her personality or decisions (even if this works solely for Rhaenyra, because Alicent seems to be held accountable for every single one of her actions). Finally, it is obvious that Condal is trying to appease disgruntled Daenerys fans, so he has rebuilt Rhaenyra into this tortured martyr that wishes to change the world for the better in an attempt to make her resemble her great granddaughter six times removed.

For all of these reasons, I find it very logical that he is going out of his way to minimise the tragedy the Greens experience. It just doesn’t make Rhaenyra look good and honestly, who wants that? The producers saw how unhappy Danny’s stans were when they made her lose her shit; they’re not going to make the same mistake twice. They don’t want their show to tank like the last season of GOT did, so they’ll do everything in their power to keep the audience happy. And it’s working! What’s the last thing Condal says in this clip? “You kinda start rooting for [Blood and Cheese]!” and boy oh boy, the TB stans sure do! Literally hundreds of memes that rejoiced at Jaehaerys’ death were posted on X this week, with tens of thousands of likes. But when Lucerys died, it was presented as the most foul thing to ever happen in the ASOIAF universe. It is the TB supporters that dictate which child murder is good and which is bad, and that decision usually depends on which child came out Rhaenyra’s womb, not let’s say, the fact that one kid was a toddler that could barely walk, while the other was a teenager that laughed at the disabled person he mutilated himself.

It’s all just marketing

That being said, I want to clarify that I understand why Condal and the HOTD producers do what they do, but being a good entrepreneur does not necessarily make you a literary genius. Now, I’m not gonna explain why stripping Rhaenyra off of every character trait that made her interesting is a bad decision and that in their attempt to remove the blame from her so that they can elevate her as this righteous patron of feminism, they’re accidentally removing all of her agency and turning her simply into a victim, because I have a whole blog dedicated to that. But let’s just say that presenting Rhaenyra as this sexually liberated idol that’s incapable of evil, when in fact she’s an entitled aristocrat who’s completely at the mercy of men around her, from her father to her husbuncle, is the most performative activism move ever pulled in recent TV history, as well as pushing the narrative that Alicent suffers from internalised misogyny because duh, a woman can only be good and a feminist if she supports Rhaenyra, not when she pursues her own interests.

Ultimately, I think we just have to accept that this show is not meant for TG fans. We are not going to find any satisfaction in it. Everything that was unique and admirable about the Greens in the book has vanished. Their family dynamic is fucked up, Alicent’s children hate her, Aegon and Halaena cannot stand one another, Alicent is constantly a victim and never someone that chases her own ambitions, Halaena is very vague, Aemond appears to be more angsty than angry, Aegon is a stupid rapist, Jaehaerys’ death was turned into a mockery, Alicole was weaponised in order to make us shit on Alicent and Criston even more and so on. This show barely caters to us because we’re not making them any money.

The reason that there are more TB than TG stans is because (I’m gonna get so much fucking hate for this) most people who watch TV are fucking morons. I swear, when F&B came out 6 years ago, no one gave a flying fuck about Rhaenyra, because we all understood that everyone involved in the Dance of the Dragons was fucked up in their own way and that the message of this story, just like the general message of ASOIAF, is that nobody deserves to sit on that fucking throne. We were all in agreement about that. But then this fucking show came along and all the oblivious simpletons that swallowed whatever the producers shoved down their throats, grabbed the book and decided that “Woah, this book is obviously a critique on patriarchy and Rhaenyra is obviously the victim of the story”! As if GRRM, the man who said that he doesn’t sit down and think “Oh, I’m going to write a woman now” but instead he believes women to be people just like men, with complex personalities, would ever do that. And they just can’t believe that it is possible for book!Rhaenyra to be an evil racist classist full of entitlement! Surely it must be because the Greens are rewriting history! There’s no way GRRM, the man that created Cersei fucking Lannister, would ever make a female character that’s vicious and crazy just because she feels like it! Y’all need to sit down for a moment. I say this as a radical feminist that supports the 4B movement: you’re projecting your own ideas onto George’s work. Not all the media we consume has to reflect our ideologies, but if you think that it has to, then this book isn’t the anti misogynistic masterpiece you wish it was.

Like, when it comes to F&B, I am firmly anti Targaryen and did not wish for any side to win. I wanted them all wiped out to be honest. But when it comes to HOTD, I’m TG basically out of spite at this point.

All in all, I just think that things are going to go downhill for us from this point on. They’ll just keep glorifying the Blacks until the very end.

[youraverageaemondsimp]

Embers of the past. // Aemond Targaryen x Fem!Reader

WARNINGS: ANGST, war, grief, loss, major character death(s), hurt/no comfort, tragedy + not proofread

WC: 1.1k

A/N: first time writing pure angst IDK 😭 I couldn't sleep and I wrote this short fic so uhm 😀

He reminisced about you quite often, about the moments you both spent together; in youth and in adulthood.

“Aemond?” You call out his name and he wakes up from his slumber, your face hovering over his as the sunlight scatters around your form because of the way you blocked it with your head.

“Y/N?” He groans, rubbing his eyes as he properly sat up, fully awake now, “Yes, It is me, The septa is looking for you at the request of Ser Criston Cole” You tell him, and he looks around, “You know how she is, He will say how un-princely it is to fall asleep under the godswood!” You pull him by his arm, rolling at the thought of the septa lecturing you both, and he gets up, before brushing off the dust from his clothes.

“Let us go now, otherwise You'll be late for your training.” You quickly urge him, dragging him along by the arm and he stumbles forwards but immediately picks up pace. “Will you be watching me train again today?” He asks and you nod eagerly, “I love seeing you train.” you reply, causing him to blush before locking your arm with his and moving to the training grounds.

He remembered how in his youth you used to stare at him in awe whenever he trained, that stare never changed, it felt as though you always saw a side of him that no one ever did, your eyes filled with pure admiration, solely for him alone.

He admired you as well.

His admiration grew with age, as you both grew up, it turned into an emotion that would soon engulf you both into pieces, burn you both alive in its flames of passion. Love.

He loved everything about you.

The way you spoke, the way your voice would become a pitch higher whenever you talk of your interests, the way your eyes would gleam with brightness as you stared at him, the way your face would brighten up when you would see him.

He adored you so much.

So why is that your eyes which once beamed so brightly seem soulless? Your face is void of any expression which was once always smiling, your body so cold to the touch, no longer providing the warmth he once basked in. Why?

His grip on your body tightened as he was lost in thought, “My prince…” Ser Criston's Cole’s voice was filled with nothing but pity, but why was it filled with pity anyway?

He remembers now.

You had died.

Taken away from him, a cruel punishment for his action of accidentally slaying his own nephew, his own kin. He couldn't save you in time as the men sent by Daemon Targaryen had arrived before he could even reach out.

He walked into a room where the floor was covered in blood, your body lying amidst it with your gown stained with your own vital fluid.

He thought he had lost a part of him even forever when he lost his eye, but the day he lost you was the day he lost himself.

He became a ghost of a person he was before, his mind filled with nothing but grief and sorrow, Did he truly deserve it? You had done nothing wrong to be the victim of such a crime, it should be him that should be dead because of his own actions, not you.

Yet the gods were cruel.

Aemond, turned mad, unable to deal with the grief that weighed upon him so heavily which he turned to endless training and bloodshed, venting his frustrations out in such a way.

Till he met Alys Rivers.

“I know of the troubles you suffer from my prince, I can help you.” She had told him the moment he met her, and he scoffed, almost chuckling at her stupidity, “I know the sorrows that weigh upon you, my prince, the way you dearly miss her.” It was what caught Aemond's attention, how did she know of you? The only ones that knew were the ones closest to him.

“I can help you avenge her, but…” Those first few words were enough for Aemond to agree with Alys, she need not say more, in return, he helped her live a secure life than before, providing protection to her while she exchanged the visions she used to see.

It was all what led to the moment.

Him facing off his uncle above the God's eye.

The dragons roared as the fight begin, attacking one another for few minutes, struggling to gain the upperhand until Vhagar caught Caraxes by the neck, causing the dragon to panic and yank Daemon off, but Daemon held on tightly, his plan changing, jumping off his dragon in a suicide-mission to deliver the final blow to Aemond.

Yet he failed and fell to his death.

Aemond thought he had won, and that he had finally avenged you.

But he plummeted from the skies, watching both the dragons fight above him, he was knocked off from his dragonback when Caraxes lunged at Vhagar in order to avenge his rider,

As Aemond descended through the air, he had remembered what Alys had said to him. “You will see her once again after defeating your uncle.”

He understood what it meant now.

He reminisced about everything, everything leading up to now, each and every moment he spent with you, suddenly he felt alive as each second passed on and time moved forwards, how ironic as he was falling to his death. Yet it did not feel that way to him, he did not feel the doom anyone would feel nearing their death, instead he felt more alive than he ever did in the days he spent living without you.

Even as the air felt like a million spikes being shoved into his body, he found peace in it, the way the harsh air penetrated through his clothes and hair felt anything but terrible, contrary to it, he oddly found solace.

The waters welcomed his body as though they were waiting for him, Aemond found it harder to breathe, yet he did not struggle; simply closing his eye and welcoming death, accepting his fate. He felt as if he was only mere moments away from you.

Maybe in death, he won't be separated from you.

Even in his final moments, his mind refused to wander off to anywhere but you.

As the life left his body, he had only one thing in his mind.

Your face that smiled ever so brightly and warmly at him, just as the way you used to.

[damianbugs]

I know a lot of ppl like Talia being fond of the Batkids. Do you think she'd like Duke, due their similar dedication to loyalty, and the fact that Damian obviously cares about him?

i've never considered what sort of dynamic duke and talia would have but you are onto something!! i think talia has/could have very different relationships with all the batkids individually.

its rather interesting for these two, since to me; duke is loyal to the bone in an innate sort of way — it's in him from the start and he's never in a place of confliction, never once doubts what it means to be loyal to your people. meanwhile talia is constantly in a battle of loyalty to all the people in her life, but especially towards herself. while she guards her loyalty fiercely in order to protect her loved ones (even if she ends up suffering or hurting some to save others), i think duke shares his loyalty in order to protect his loved one (even if it ends in the same tragedy he was trying to avoid).

i think talia would really respect duke for that reason, probably trust him the most when it comes to looking out for damian solely based on the fact that he's not got any reason to betray him personally compared to the others. duke coming into the batfam without any prior ties to their world is perhaps the most trustworthy thing about him!

damian would for sure write her letters about the trouble he and duke get into after duke becomes signal, so at the very least, she probably really values that damian has found a guiding light during an otherwise very dark time in his life.

[still-searching-for-something]

Do leftists care how awful Hamas is for the Palestinians?

A friend of mine, an Israeli guy who goes to shul with me, told me a story from a different squad in his platoon during his IDF service. This probably would have been 2014 if I had to guess.

They were out on patrol, and encountered a Palestinian kid in a wheelchair. He was chained to a railing. And he was clearly mentally disabled in some way.

At first, they were confused. They didn't understand why he was there. Then they looked a little closer.

The wheelchair was rigged with 25 kilos of high explosives.

I probably shouldn't have been, but I was genuinely flabbergasted. Like, how does one rationalize doing that? Using a disabled kid as bait to kill people? How does one look down at themselves doing that and say, "Yep, this is something I'm okay with."

Just try to grasp their logic. A mentally disabled kid isn't going to be helpful to Hamas as a fighter. If they dehumanize him, use him solely as a pawn to cause pain and suffering, then maybe they can make the situation go badly and have the world report about "IDF troops murder disabled Palestinian kid in a wheelchair!" Maybe in another timeline, this kid is a new Rachel Corrie, a tragedy which gets propagandized to hell and used to demonize Israel and Jews. Maybe this kid's name would be widely known.

And then I scrolled on Tumblr, and found the usual--people saying Hamas was a resistance group, fighting against oppression. Like... I don't think that with all the time and effort in the world, I could ever understand the unspeakable barbarity and psychopathy required to glorify these acts, to stand up and say that you support these tactics.

Palestine is suffering, a lot. It's suffering under the jackboot of indefensible monsters who throw their own people under the bus to hurt other people. Hamas hates Jews more than they love their people. Hamas started a war with a technologically superior enemy and create situations in which both their people lose, and they hurt Israeli civilians. And they don't even have any voices in the west who genuinely support Palestine--instead, they're stuck with people who support them living under terrorist dictators.

So, guess what? If you defend Hamas even a little bit, if you rationalize about "the socioeconomic conditions" or "I don't condone their tactics, but they sure send the Zionist Entity running!" or whatever the fuck, you're not just an antisemite, you're a terrorist defender who should be on a list.

[macchami]

I think it’s a really important point of the story, that kim dokja is just an average guy who went through a ‘common’ tragedy and not something written to be so overly tragic and miserable in order to gain the audience symphaty. His tragedy made him terribly lonely which is also something so common and relatable to most of us. The only difference is how that loneliness affects you as an individual and only you would know it. And we know damn well how loneliness affects kim dokja right? and you know what accompanied him in those time? STORY ! YES! Because within a story, you might find a character you relate to, a character who will inspire you to keep going and not give up, and how that alone is enough to make you less lonely.

Kim dokja has this tendency to neglect himself because of how little he thinks of his suffering, because ‘other people had it worse’, ‘other people also went through this and they’re fine so why can’t i?’. Because his tragedy is something that has nothing special about it since it’s so common, so why would anyone talk about it like it’s bizzare or special or something out of this world? but then we see that kim dokja is so loved by most characters in the novel. We even found out at the end of the novel that both TWSA and ORV is written SOLELY FOR HIM because there was someone who decided that his small story is worth looking into, and this small story deserves to be loved. That someone spent 13 years of her life dedicated to her only reader, carved out a character out of her love to accompany the lonely child, just so he wouldnt feel lonely, just so he can survive another day. All these merely for the so ‘common’ tragedy of kim dokja. Do you realize how impactful that is? Like it’s telling you, something might seems small to you, to the point you wouldnt care about yourself, to the point you feel undeserving and unworthy, but STILL you are deserved to be loved. I think it’s beautiful and this narrative wouldn’t have worked unless kim dokja is made to be an average guy. This book is telling you to love yourself because at the end of the day, we might be as average as kim dokja is.

So just in case anyone finds kim dokja’s backstory to be ‘basic’, well that’s the point actually.

[captain-hawks]

Dee, I have Thoughts and no one irl to brainrot @ so pls excuse the umpteenth time I am in your notifications this weekend.

Last week I word vomited in your spicy requests about how much TraditionalGarb!Hoshina plagues my thoughts. Well, I went out for dinner and had a few cocktails, and my slightly drunk, pliant mind was churning the entire ride home. [Sober Note: I started this ask right when I got home, and now, having sobered up a bit, holy hell I am sorry for getting lost in the sauce and turning what was supposed to be drunk imagines into something ludicrous. I can't quite bring myself to delete it bc I was clearly so into it, but seriously if this is too long/annoying please just ignore me!]

I'm thinking of a historical period-era AU Hoshina clan. Not too familiar with Japanese history but maybe Edo period, idk about historical accuracy. In my imagines, reader is from a less influential, albeit wealthier clan, has 2 older brothers, and grew up around the Hoshina family from birth. Both their families are preoccupied with the eldest children and their role in continuing the family legacy/business, so their families don't hound them too closely in their childhoods. They're in a rural, countryside part of Japan with plenty of wild grass and flower fields. Soichiro holds all the weight of family expectation so he is more aloof. But Soshiro is allowed more freedom, so when he isn't obsessively training, he is spending time with reader as her closest childhood friend. Meanwhile, reader is trained in all the traditional arts and duties expected of her, but she also has a love for calligraphy (or painting but idk how accurate that is) that she is allowed to cultivate because, again, her parents aren't hounding her too closely. She's fascinated by Soshiro's swordsmanship and makes him show her all the moves he is learning, and in turn, he is enthralled by her knowledge and love of calligraphy and likes to hear her talk about it for hours even if he doesn't quite get it. Because they're in a rural area, they also play outdoors together whenever they can, climbing trees and splashing in the streams, and Soshiro is rough-and-tumble and free around her in ways he can't be at home when he's ceaselessly trying to measure up to and surpass his brother. As they grow older they are naturally forced apart due to expectations of their genders and stations. They still hold onto what they believe is a fondness for their childhood friend, until one day, as the wild wisteria blooms and they see a glimpse of each other after an absence of several months, they both realize that the innocent fondness held in their hearts had taken root long ago and finally bloomed into love.

Unfortunately, in the Edo period, warrior families started to lose their place in this era of newfound peace, and the Hoshinas are forced to worry about their place in this world for the first time. At the same time, reader's clan is struck by tragedy and her 2 older brothers are killed in an accident, leaving a vacuum for the future of the clan. The Hoshina and Reader patriarchs decide on what they believe is a mutually beneficial arrangement: Soichiro and Reader shall join their clans in marriage. Reader's clan benefits from the prestige of the Hoshina name, and the Hoshina clan benefits from the prosperous wealth of her family. As the sole remaining offspring of her clan, she should be honored to be chosen to helm the Hoshina household and bear its heirs.

Ofc Reader is devastated, but she knows that her voice is unimportant and she will forever be doomed to suffer in a life so close to her dreams, but with a cruel twist. She sees Soshiro just once after the engagement announcement, and it is with a too-cheerful mask that he congratulates her on her match, and, in a moment when no one is looking, he slips into her hands a small gift that he had picked up in the capitol on his last trip and had been meaning to give to her: some fine new ink he thought she would love for her calligraphy. He supposes it is an engagement gift now, even if the gift is only really for her.

On the eve of her wedding, she manages to sneak out and find Soshiro. Together, they go to the grassy field of wildflowers by the creek they played in as children. Even though fate is not on their side, it seems the moon has sympathy for them, because it hides behind clouds and conceals their illicit meeting. They're finally able to declare their love for one another in the place where it all began. She tells Soshiro that even though destiny was determined to keep them apart, she wants to know what it is to wholly love and be loved, just once in her life. So under the glow of a thousand fireflies, she undresses Hoshina, gently pulling his kosode apart to reveal his chest. She laughs lightly as she traces his scars-the old and familiar ones from childhood, and the newer ones he has acquired in manhood. She traces the marks she remembers: the dented scar on his shoulder from when he fell out of the cypress tree trying to grab a beetle to impress her when they were five. The patch of slightly uneven skin along his arm from three years later, when he had run after his father's horse in the road and tripped down the hill. The thin, raised slash from when Soichiro had cut him in training at age 11, to teach him a lesson on inferiority. From there, she draws lines to the unfamiliar marks: a puffy patch of new skin from a recent battle wound that has only started to heal, two pigmented gashes where he was gouged in battle last year, a mottled expanse of bruises on his ribs from where he had challenged Soichiro last month, just after the engagement announcement, and had finally shown his brother that his attempted lesson in inferiority had never sunk in.

She says that all these marks tell her a story in the same way a calligrapher's soul is left indelibly in their brushstrokes. She sees a world in his body, and it tells her favorite story. Overwhelmed, Soshiro finally crashes into her and through the flurry of kissing he has her on her back in the grass, slipping her out of her garments. He's mapping his way across her significantly less blemished skin with his lips and tongue, and laments between pants that he will never be able to partake in the story of her body, because she belongs to his brother and he cannot leave his own brushstrokes on the expanse of her skin. Breathless, reader pulls a bottle tucked into her undergarment next to her heart-a vial of the precious ink Soshiro had gifted her. Her wedding is tomorrow-she knows there is no way he can leave any lasting marks on her. But for tonight, she is his and she wants some proof of that, however temporary. So Soshiro dips his finger in the ink and swirls and dips it all over the memories he has buried in his mind: a spot on her neck where a particularly vicious bee had stung her as they chased tadpoles as six-year-olds, a whorl on her shoulder where his ten-year-old head rested as she unrolled endless scrolls to extol the virtues of some long-dead calligrapher, an almost-violent slash just under the swell of her bosom where he had caught her when she had fallen in her attempt to swing his katana at 13.

And as he finally lines up his achingly hard cock and breaches her cunt, as he makes love to her for the first and last time, he grieves for the death of the two stories written here-hers, which will be washed off her body as soon as she returns to her home, and his, which will wither and end without her to trace the patterns and give them the meaning he can never find by himself. [sober note/holy run on sentence batman]

you better believe i'm posting this ask because IT NEEDS TO BE SEEN!!!

MY FRIEND!!!!! i'm on my knees. i'm begging. i'm clawing at the air. i'm frantically waving anything of value that i have in your direction. i implore you to write this because i'm wholly obsessed. a period piece, childhood friends, the arranged marriage, THE YEARNING, THE LOVELY POETRY OF IT ALL EVEN JUST AS A SUMMARIZED VERSION!?!?!?

She says that all these marks tell her a story in the same way a calligrapher's soul is left indelibly in their brushstrokes. She sees a world in his body, and it tells her favorite story.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(don't even get me started on him painting on her????? oh my god i'm so unwell. i need one of those fainting couches. i want to CONSUME THISSSSS)

you're a genius. a brilliant wonderful genius.

[darklydeliciousdesires]

The Promise of Rubies - A John Shelby/Reader One Shot Story.

This kind of just happened last night, a bit of dark, a lot of fluff. Enjoy, besties.

(GIF credit - @peakystitches)

Words - 2,956

Warnings - Fluff! Mentions of violence, too.

The horizon bleeds pink into orange, swirling in watercolour as the ink of night begins to dominate, saturating into all that is warm with her cool darkness. The clouds of fluffy white smoke into grey, the evening arriving, the chill whipping against your skin as you stand outside your home, idly smoking a cigarette. No smoking in the house, as per your sister’s rules.  

It’s been just you and her looking after your brood of younger siblings since your mother died and your father hung. A hard life marred with tragedy, but you make no complaint. There are certain ways a poor woman with little in the way of opportunity can make her life better, yours perhaps the most sought after within the slums of Small Heath.

Shagging a Shelby. Many women covert it; few attain.  

It isn’t just sex between you and John any longer, though. At least, you don’t think it is. Surely if it were, you wouldn’t be the refuge he sought in times of crisis, in times where he needs someone to give him the care he usually provides to you. Surely, he’d go elsewhere if you meant so little to him as to solely be a warm hole in which to bury his cock.  

“John?” 

He staggers, his path zig zagging as he moves through the street, hitting the house besides yours, his features scrunched as he grunts in effort. Your heart skips on a beat, realising that he’s hurt beyond a mild beating. “John, Jesus bloody wept, what happened?” 

Casting your cigarette into the gutter, you reach for him, and he slumps against you, his body moulding soft yet heavy against yours.  

“The fucking...” he grits, pulling himself up, face contorted in agony. “The fucking wops. Jumped me, couldn’t get home. Yours was quicker. Fucking... those fucking...” 

Assertiveness kicks in, the same as when you’re dealing with split elbows and grazed knees suffered by your younger brothers and sisters, the protective instinct within your stirred to action. “Okay, don’t talk right now. Let’s get you inside. Come on.” 

Hauling his arm around your shoulders, you pull him towards your front door, burdened beneath his weight, turning to make sure there are no persons of the Italian persuasion around. Him being followed is the very last thing you need. You want to help him, such goes without saying, but if the Changretta’s knew where you lived... heaven help you.  

It isn’t like Jonh is currently in a fit state to assist in fighting them off right now either, and you could do without having to point a gun to anyone’s head. Being in a relationship of sorts with a Shelby means that wielding a weapon simply becomes par for the course. Trust you to fall for a man whose terms and conditions come with the kind of desensitising to violence you never expected to ever partake in.  

“Come on,” you grit, hauling him towards the kitchen table, John heavy against you as you steer him into a seat. “Right, let’s take a look at you. You ain’t been stabbed or shot, have you?” 

He straightens, wincing. “Slashed me, but nah, none of that.” 

You’re involving yourself in unbuttoning his waistcoat and tattered shirt when your sister walks in, the air thickening with immediate effect. “What the bloody hell went on here?” 

You turn your head, scoffing with soft incredulity. “Isn’t that obvious, Ethel?” 

“I don’t want his brand of trouble in my fucking house!” 

“S’alright, Ethel,” he groans, taking a deep breath, wincing again as you gasp upon revealing his banged up ribs. No wonder he can hardly breathe. “I weren’t followed. Wouldn’t have come if I was. Ain’t no fucking way I’m putting you, your sister or the nippers in danger.”  

“You better be sure on that, John Shelby. Because I’ll fucking hang before I let you endanger my family! We’ve already lost mom and dad, for the love of god, we don’t...” 

“Ethel!” you shout, turning to view her. “Leave it alone now. This isn’t the time, alright? Just go to work. The kids are in bed, we’re armed, and he wasn’t followed. It’s fine.”  

Ethel shakes her head, her lips pinching. “The things you’ll put up with for a shag.” 

“As would you if you saw the cock on him,” you fire back, John snorting with laughter despite his state. 

“And here was me thinking it was me raw charm you liked most,” he jokes, laughing all he can.  

“I’ll be back later.” Her frosty statement is followed by her swift exit, the front door slamming shut. You look at John, shaking your head with a soft smile. 

“I do like you for more than your cock, you know.” 

He grins, pulling out his cigarettes and lighting up. Flouting Ethel's rules is one of his favourite pastimes. “Wouldn’t blame you if that was the only thing about me you did like, bab. It’s impressive.”  

Battered six ways to Sunday and still, he’s the cockiest, most arrogant shit of a man you’ve ever met. 

“And the rest of you does come with a certain barrage of shit.” 

A flicker of embarrassment gilds his face in shame, dropping his gaze. “I know, love.”  

Pulling his shirt from him, you study his wounds carefully. Bruised ribs, but his breathing isn’t laboured enough for them to be broken. Cuts and welts to his face, a slash across his upper pectoral leading to the side of his armpit. It could have been a hell of a lot worse.  

Thank fuck Small Heath lads can take a bloody good kicking.  

Stroking his face, your heart flutters when he leans into the cup of your palm, turning his head to kiss the heel of your hand. “Let me get some stuff together, and I’ll get you sorted.”  

His gratitude is delivered in the soft gaze from his steel blue eyes, halting you as you stand, pulling you close. “I’d fucking be lost without you.”  

Of course, he would. It takes a special kind to be with a Shelby, a woman who knows the harder side of life by nature rather than infliction, a woman who accepts that smooth sailing will never come without regular choppy seas, a woman who sees beyond the black clouds for the rays of sunshine.

You think of all of that and more while boiling some water, pouring a splash of TCP into the bowl, a little cold water to follow, taking it back to the table with some cotton to begin cleaning his war wounds.  

“Fucking hell!” he hisses sharply, the sting of the antiseptic meeting the open chest wound too great to merely offer grumbles in response.  

You study the wound closely, knowing that bandaging across his chest will keep it clean, but two places at least are much too deep for the skin to knit together without assistance. “I’ll have to stitch you, John.” Your face is full of lament, squeezing his hand. “Sorry.”  

He sniffs, his shoulders twitching in shrug. “I thought you might. It's alright.”  

A cotton reel and needle are fetched, as well as a bottle of cheap brandy and a couple of glasses. You half fill his, John knocking it back immediately, causing you to reconsider your stance on anything vaguely resembling etiquette and pushing the bottle towards him instead. “Ta, bab.”  

He knocks back the brandy like it's some kind of elixir, and you cannot blame him at all, having to endure the pain of stitches administered by a semi-unskilled hand. Hems and turnups you are adept with; flesh wounds, not so much.  

Pushing the needle into his pale flesh, he hisses a grumble, prompting your lips to press a kiss into the centre of his chest before you continue. Nine stitches close the first of the deepest part of the gash, four to the second, John knocking back the brandy as you knot the thread, cutting the cotton with a sharp knife.  

“There,” you say, sitting back to admire your handiwork. “All sorted.” You notice his skin beaded in sweat, the blood trails bleeding into it, pink pearls of fluid trickling over his chest. “Do you want me to prep you a bath?” 

He shakes his head, placing the brandy bottle down. “Nah, love. You’ve done enough.” He stands slowly, taking the bowl and emptying it before filling it with the remainer of the hot water, washing himself down carefully. Standing, you tip the brandy within your glass down your throat, going to fetch a towel for him.  

“You look like you need to go to bed.”  

Taking the towel from you, he dries his face and chest, nodding. “Probably the best place for me.” Locking the front door, you walk along behind him, hands braced against the wide planes of his bare shoulders, moving to your tiny bedroom. There isn’t much in there, a double bed that takes up most of the room, a chest of drawers and a wardrobe, the spaces between the furniture narrow, John kicking off his boots and the remainder of clothes, wincing in pain as he climbs beneath the covers.  

“I was just about to make some tea,” you state, seating yourself on the edge of the bed. “Only beans on toast, it’s about all we’ve got in. Do you want some?” 

He reaches for your arm, shaking his head. “No ta, sweetheart. I think I just need to sleep it off.” He stares up at you for a few moments and your heart flutters, half with the worry that the wounds that led him to your door could have all too easily been fatal, and half with the absolute beauty of his eyes. You never noticed before, how they exactly match the sunset, smoky blue irises gilded in the golden copper of his lashes, freckled lids that begin growing heavier with every blink.  

Leaning to him, you kiss his lips softly. “Just shout if you need anything, I’ll be downstairs.”  

He’s asleep before you’ve even climbed off the bed, leaving you to wonder just how much he’d had to drink prior to him being jumped. You’ve seen John fight, he’s adept, savage, not the kind of man who would take a kicking lying down. There was bound to be more than one, though, this beating a clear message from the Italians. If they wanted him dead, he wouldn’t have turned up at all. Either that or you’d be walking to the phone box to call Tommy and inform him of John’s demise upon your doorstep, either of the two.  

Putting it to the back of your mind, you go downstairs, searching through your meagre pantry. No beans. Ahhh, yeah. You shared the last tin out between the kids before putting them to bed. You won’t receive your grocery delivery until the day after either, John putting in a standing order he pays for at the corner shop to be delivered twice weekly, so your family never go without.  

Ethel protests it, but often quietens when she sees a bottle of gin just for her there in the box when good ole’ Mr Williams knocks the door with your provisions. Say what you will about John, but he’s thoughtful and makes sure nobody within your household goes without, even if one of those people doesn’t like him much. 

Grabbing the loaf of bread, you think yourself lucky to at least have preserves and butter in good supply, slathering three slices, one plain butter, one with jam and the other with marmalade. You leave that slice until last, the comfort of your mother’s marmalade recipe you’ve finally managed to perfect making you feel warm inside as you sit at the hearth with a strong cup of tea, kicking off your shoes to warm your toes in front of the fire.  

“They’re dangerous lads, but they’re good lads, those Shelby boys.” That’s what she staunchly said of them, always welcoming John with open arms whenever he called to take you out. Him, Tommy and Arthur, they all tried to swing it the other way with the police when your dad was locked up, languishing within the damp, rat-infested surroundings of Winson Green prison. It was sadly to no avail, your father meeting the noose just two weeks after your mother died, her heart giving out on her after a lifetime of suffering with the illness.  

Your heart is now the one that lies damaged, effectively orphaned, caregiver to four small children when you feel like now is the time to be thinking about maybe beginning a family of your own. Your mind turns back to the guest within your bed, smiling as you think of him, wondering what your eventual children will look like.  

You spend a few hours at the fireside, reading a book between bouts of getting lost in thought, wondering if this new trouble with the Italians is going to only lead to further heartbreak for you. Loving a gangster is not an easy path, but you walk it with him all the same. Deciding to head upstairs rather than throw on more kindling, you seek the warmth of his body after you’ve stripped off, pulling your nightgown on and sliding into bed beside him. 

“What you bothered with this thing for?” he mutters, hand reaching to stroke against the winceyette covering your waist.  

“Well, I didn’t think you’d be fit for anything other than sleep, given the fact you turned up four hours ago beaten black and blue,” you state, John nodding. 

“I'm not, but I like the feel of your skin against mine. Get it off.”  

Rolling your eyes, the nightgown is abandoned, settling down at his side again, John grabbing your leg and gently resting it across his thighs. He wraps an arm around you, pulling you closer, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “It’ll all be alright, you know. In the end. It ain’t alright at the moment, but that’s cos’ it ain’t the end, love.” 

You swear, he can read your mind sometimes, all your little worries you manage to hide. You can never keep them shadowed from John, though. “I know, darling. I know. I accept it, I know I have to harden myself to it all, that it’s the price I pay to love someone as much as I do you. Doesn't make it easy, though.”  

His hand strokes idly at your back, another kiss pressed to your head. “It will be one day, bab. Promise.”  

As you fall asleep beside him, you don’t know if you truly can believe that or not, wondering if you’re cursed to love and lose forever. Many more nights of worry come and go, though, but he still turns up. Sometimes battered, most of the time absolutely fine. The Italian issue gets sorted, and life moves on, until one evening when he fails to turn up at all.  

It would be your birthday, wouldn’t it? He would go missing and thus curse the day forevermore, a day that should be marked with happiness forever blacked out as the day John Shelby failed to knock your front door. Someone else does, though.  

“Come with me, love,” Arthur states, his face blank, tone flat.  

“Why?” you ask, fetching your coat from behind the front door. “Arthur, what’s going on? Why do you look so serious?”  

Your heart begins pounding, the tall, eldest Shelby sibling giving nothing away. “Just come with me.” 

Is this it? Is this the day you’ve been dreading? Surely though, if something had happened, Arthur would just come out and say it, wouldn’t he?  

He would, wouldn’t he?  

You pester him all the way along the walk, out of your street and around the corner, coming onto Watery Lane, the heat from the blast furnaces warming the chill in your cheeks as you pass them by, Okay, so you passed John’s house, too. Can’t be that bad, can it? Surely if he was dead, Arthur would have taken you there to explain?  

“After you.” Holding the door open, he makes a gesture for you to head into The Garrison first, your heart still thumping wildly with nerves, stepping in to the almightiest cheer that makes you jump about a foot out of your skin. Banners and streamers decorate the entire pub, your friends and family all present, John beaming as he walks away from the group of smiling people.  

“Happy birthday, sweetheart” he speaks warmly, pulling you into a huge hug. “Aw, look at her face! Proper got ya, didn’t I?” 

“I thought you were dead! I thought, I though Arthur was bringing me here to give me bad news, and you didn’t turn up, and...” you babble, turning to see Arthur grin. He receives a smack in the chest for his talents in delivering a completely deadpan facade. “You bugger!” 

“I know,” he chuckles, winding his arm around your shoulders and kissing your head. “I’m a fucking rotter, but I was under orders.”  

Your eyes turn back to he who gave the orders, shaking your head. “You’re a bugger too, John Shelby.” 

He raises his eyebrows in acknowledgement. “I know. Hopefully you won’t think I’m one for very long, though.” He reaches into his pocket, removing a small box, taking your hand. Your mouth virtually hits the ground as you watch him lower to one knee before you. “I love you, (Y/N). Always have, always will. Will you marry me?” 

With tears in your eyes, you accept the proposal, and the beautiful ruby and diamond engagement ring, John slipping it onto your finger and kissing your hand as the crowd erupts with cheers, standing to kiss you.  

“Promised you it’d all be okay in the end, didn’t I?” 

Indeed, he did.  

[2sw]

🖤Understanding Season 4&5 Sam🖤

long post, 30 gifs

sorry I don't care if my english sucks or not anymore. I live with the urge to defend Sam 24/7, that's what it's about.

this post looks weird on pc… recommend you to read on the app

Supernatural S1E01 Pilot // S1E06 Skin S3E08 A Very Supernatural Christmas S4E19 Jump the Shark

Do you see the parallels here? This is why I think people who say season 4 Sam was annoying also hate every other character in this show, they just don't realize that. It was not a big deal when other characters treated Sam the way they did, but when Sam started to mirror them you suddenly find it annoying? That's absurd. I know almost every filmmaking choice of this show is unfair to Sam and I hate that too, but still we audiences can see things from various angles and think for ourselves. And sometimes you need to see the story as a story, not something to take sides.

Supernatural S3E16 No Rest for the Wicked Supernatural S4E04 Metamorphosis

Sam lost his entire family at the end of season 3. He was full of remorse, and to make up for that he was literally following his family's footsteps. Sam became obsessed with revenge like John did after Mary died. Season 4 was about that vicious cycle, the tragedy of it. Dean sold his soul for Sam just like John did for him. Sam tried to be more like his dad and big brother and did what they taught him. And Sam's relapse was a part of the addiction cycle. But Dean locking up Sam in the panic room changed nothing, the final seal was broken after all. So Lucifer gets out, and the oldest family drama is about to start all over again. It wasn't about who was right or wrong. It was about the circle, a never ending story. The next season was about restoring trust in each other and seeking redemption, and Sam eventually broke the chain by sacrificing himself. That's what makes Swan Song the tragic ending of all time. (though it all comes back as the show keeps going on... but what is spn without The Codependency™)

So, yeah, it's beyond me how some people can't see the reason behind Sam's choices in this season cause the context was SO clear. If you watch the show, you can see how much Sam and Dean affect each other and how much both are affected by John in different ways. And it's natural because they are family. We are who we are because of everyone and everything that has happened in our lives, and same goes for every fictional character, including Sam. It's just as simple as that. Sam was just trying to live by his brother's will while battling with grief and loss. He had to keep on fighting without Dean. And the reason why Dean wasn't with him was because Dean sold his soul to save Sam and went to hell for it. It not only made Sam the sole survivor of the family but also made the very being of him their entire legacy. Starting with Mary making a deal with Azazel, every choice ever made in this family is what brought him there. As I said earlier, it's the cycle. And a consequence. In short, if it is a sin, I think it’s everyone’s.

Supernatural S4E04 Metamorphosis

Sam and Dean's fate to be vessels? Their destiny? It doesn't matter in the end. This show was always about fate AND free will. Free will was always there. You always have choices. Sam was the one who believed that most desperately so he became the one who broke the cycle. Even though it was only the last page, he ripped out the written fate anyway and wrote the ending himself. YES HE IS THE MAIN CHARACTER. And after everything he did for the world, the story made him suffer eternal agony with the Devil because he is also a tragic hero figure. (SIGH literally the character of all time)

You can see this all only as an observer, as an audience. For Sam, the only thing he could do at the moment was just find the person to blame―in this case, it's a demon named Lilith― and get revenge. And he was lost somewhere along the road, he became an addict because he couldn't do anything about his loved ones dying, but when he drinks the demon blood it gives him power and a sense of control. (aaaaaand I still don't get why writers wrote this as some kind of diabolical desire in 4x18. I get it sammy what the fuck would chuck know about helplessness)

You can say you wouldn't suck up the demon blood, that's fine, but this story was written in this way, and if Sam didn't do that, the story couldn't go forward. Why? Because he is the main character. (It always had to be you, Sammy!) And reminds you that if you want to watch a show with multiple seasons, you have to remember what happened before to understand what’s going on now. So please don't make up things in your head, just go back to where it all started. There are contexts in everything. Everyone is a consequence of each other, but we don't have to be bound to that fact. We have choices: to change, to make things better. That's why we should be kind to each other, and for that, I love and respect Sam so much cause he didn't let his traumas define him and always tried to be a better person. ♡

I'm not done yet!!! see also this:

Supernatural S3E04 Sin City Supernatural S4E04 Metamorphosis

Dean worried when Sam killed a demon with the Colt to save him cause it also killed a person who was being possessed, and it was 'cold'. But then when he finds out about the demon blood, he is so mad that he doesn't even care about the fact Sam was saving possession victims and just screaming in Sam's face "Use the knife!". It's so??? What is the logic here? This just proves it's always been about his feelings, not really about saving people. Is that an evil thing? No, I don’t think so. Dean is just a human, he can’t control what he feels. But if you use this to beat up Sam, I'll go feral then. Cause Sam is a human too.

And look at Ruby's masterful manipulation skill. Makes Sam feel guilty about everything, and comes back with what he needs when no one's left around him. She really was the best of those sons of bitches.

Supernatural S4E04 Metamorphosis

Seriously, what was Sam supposed to do? Everyone on this show didn't even bother to understand Sam and just decided everything he ever did was fundamentally wrong. Sam was using his own body to change the things outside of him, cause there is nothing he can do about the fact of his body, the blood in it. In life, there are things we can change and we can't. We have to live with that non-negotiable fact for our whole life. Sam learned this most painful way... And one thing about Sam is that he never let the unchangeable things make him give up the things he can change. It's not always a good thing though, cause Sam in s4 was very self-destructive. He was obsessive, and that is one of his problems. Sam is so stubborn and doesn't give up on anything easily. Actually this problem could be solved after s7 cause he tried to move on, but s8 happened… so it got worse, kept getting worse, and look what happened in s10. The most heartbreaking domino effect, I'd say...

Supernatural S5E03 Free to Be You and Me Supernatural S5E06 I Believe the Children Are Our Future

Anyways, back to the point. Unfortunately, Sam started the apocalypse. And what did he do after that? When the whole world tried to hunt him down, the devil wanted to crawl inside him, and an angel called him an abomination? He didn't give up there to remain that abomination. He didn’t surrender. Instead, Sam begged for a second chance. He wanted to atone, wanted redemption. He still believed in others even though he lost trust in himself. He believed there was still something he could do about it. Even when he was possessed by Lucifer, he fought till the end to save his brother and the world. And he did it. He was a fucking hero at that moment, sadly a tragic one too. But the important thing is: Sam Winchester represents hope. (I think Swan Song was a perfect ending as a tragedy. This show got weaker and weaker after s5 which kinda ruined the perfection, but I'm also so glad the show continued cause this message fits more hopefully in Carry On. I needed to see Sam rewarded with something better than eternal agony after all those additional tortures of 10 more seasons.)

One last thing, you know what's funny about Metamorphosis? Dean had nothing to say about the fact Sam saved more people than when they were hunting together, so he just went "That what Ruby wants you to think?" Dude what was going on in your mind. like that was what Ruby intended, he was right about that only by chance, but I still find it funny that Dean said that at this exact moment. And he does this a lot, attacking the messenger when he can't refute the message. He didn't have any rational reasons like Sam, he just didn't like it and that's all(and honestly I think this can be an actual reason too cause there's a history behind it which I talked about it here. I wish Dean had just talked to Sam and had a real conversation. but he never talks about his feelings, that's what Dean Winchester does. so… yep not gonna happen. also, if the brothers have a healthy relationship, that is not supernatural lol), so he brought up Angels and evoked Sam's religious guilt. And the Angels in question also turned out to be manipulative assholes later. Everyone makes mistakes, but somehow Sam is always the one who gets most condemned and blamed. Dean, On the other hand, is justified by the narrative so many times even when it is actually his fault. As I said, unfair. This is not even a Dean crit post, I'm just mad at unreasonable people and the way this show works in general.

I swear I was normal before watching this season. Sam's demon blood arc was what made me insanely fall in love with him, so when I found out all those hate for Sam… that really could be my villain origin story but instead I chose to be on tumblr, so yeah I believe love wins<3 ha what a way to end a post. sorry guys

[laserbeamss]

okay i know im like half a year too early to mention anything about this topic and also tumblr is raving mad about this topic and no one is actually gonna read this but. i read shakespeare's julius caesar for the first time yesterday and i need to be a pretentious fucker for a while. look the one thing i'm glad that tumblr agrees with me about is that the assassination of caesar was incredibly homoerotic like i felt like a madman for thinking that but then i discovered thousands of strangers on the internet are backing me up and i felt better.

i'm talking about the play version of events, not the historical version, by the way; though i will talk about the historical version shortly.

shakespeare really knows how to write his tragedies. that play has not left my mind since i finished reading it, which was, by the way, in one sitting about 24 hours ago. my mind has not stopped thinking about that play for an entire day and i am sure it will continue to do so in the near future.

i love the contrast between the ways caesar himself is portrayed. to some, he is a dead man walking. to some, he is the very anchor of society: the north star. to some, he is just a man, who needs to come home and rest sometimes. to himself, he is a mixture of all of those, but he only ever expresses one of those roles, because he is the dictator of rome, in his eyes, he is the rightful king, the one who has led and will continue to lead rome to glory for years to come, and there was no point in heeding the word of anyone else.

my favourite character, is, quite predictably, brutus. "not that i loved caesar less, but that i loved rome more" okay so what if i cried. (i somewhat shamelessly will admit that i have shed tears over this. as i said, the man knows how to write his tragedies.) on one hand, caesar is brutus' friend, the one who had elected him praetor of rome (i know it isn't directly mentioned in the play that caesar made brutus praetor but he is referred to as praetor and since historically caesar was indeed the one to elect brutus praetor, i think it is safe to assume the same within the context of the play), the one who had pardoned him after he sided with caesar's enemy pompey, the one whom he admitted several times that he loved. on the other hand, brutus was raised to bring honour to his family's name via bringing honour to rome; and thought himself morally righteous when he considered that he wasn't above betraying his friend to end a tyrranical rule, even if it meant allying himself with others who wanted to murder caesar for their own selfish gains. and after following through with what he perceived to be his utmost duty to his country, and his people, and his family, and himself, he is haunted by the ghost of his close friend, something which drives him into the point of his own sword.

betrayals have a special place in my heart because they are so entangled deep in conflicting emotions. to betray one is almost always to stand behind another, but inherently betrayals of others are also betrayals to yourself; there must have been a reason the betrayal was a betrayal and not a simple act of violence. because acts of violence can happen by anyone's hand, but betrayals can only happen by those who are most trusted.

cassius, that motherfucker. i feel the same way towards him as i felt toward lord henry wotton in the picture of dorian gray. egging my favourite character on to go against his homoerotic bestie, like fuck that.

i think i am most fascinated by how i do not know what i would have done if i was in brutus' place. would i have done what he has, plotted against and murdered my best friend who trusted me most, who dedicated his last words to me, who admitted defeat solely when it became apparent to him that i was among the conspirators? or would i have lived with the guilt of perpetuating tyrrany and lived with the guilt of, what in my conscience would have been, subjecting future generations of romans to suffer under a dictatorship, just to be able to greet my friend every day and not be haunted by what i have brought on against him?

that caesar truly did not expect brutus to be among the conspirators breaks my heart. that brutus acted out of duty and moral obligation only to fail miserably after having murdered his friend breaks my heart.

in my mind, these two got reincarnated somehow, in a calmer generation, and talked things through, and rode off together into the sunset.

i didn't ever think i would get so emotional over two dudes from a shakespeare play based on historical events that happened over two millenia ago but here we are. they make me want to cry like a baby.

but onto some actual history.

i'll start of with some nitpicking. when caesar is referred to as julius in the play, i physically cringed. as i cringe whenever anyone else assumes his first name to be julius. caesar's full name was gaius julius caesar (or caivs ivlivs caesar, if you will). caesar was the name with which 99% of people would have refered to him, as it was is cognomen, the name that was supposed to distinguish you from everyone else in roman society, and the one formally used to refer to you. if one were close to caesar, one would have called him gaius, which was his praenomen, of which there were only about twelve to choose from. julius, on the other hand, was his nomen, or the name passed down based on which clan he was decended from, in his case the julii. no one actually used the nomen to refer to anyone, as many, many men could be not in the least bit related anymore and yet share the same nomen. it would simply have been too confusing.

now, some common knowledge. "et tu, brute?" was never really uttered by caesar. the two most popular theories as to what caesar said after having been stabbed is that he either said nothing at all, which is what ancient scholars generally agreed upon, although it was expected of him to say something as he was expected to leave behind a legacy. some think he said "you too, child." in greek. initially, this may seem like it is a question that holds essentially the same meaning as "et tu, brute?": one of shocked betrayal, of the question of how even someone as close to caesar as brutus could do this to him. but it is more likely that it was instead a statement, and indeed the shortened version of a common roman proverb, essentially meaning "what goes around comes around". so what caesar would have meant by that is you too will meet your demise in a similar fashion, just you wait. which is very interesting to me

i think the historical relationship of caesar and brutus is very interesting (putting aside my homoerotic intepretation of the shakespeare characters for a moment). brutus' mother was a long-time mistress of caesar, and ancient scholars talked of a rumour that brutus was actually caesar's son, though they were sceptical, and modern historians also generally disagree with this. however, it is true that they were reported to have an affectionate relationship, caesar essentially teaching brutus all he knew like a father would to a son; brutus was raised by his uncle after his father was killed by pompey (also known as pompey the great), so he initially sided with caesar. however, already then, he saw how caesar was becoming overzealous and decided to switch sides and support pompey in the civil war. however, pompey was defeated by caesar in the battle of pharsalus, after which brutus was taken prisoner and eventually pardoned by caesar, granting him the ability to then build his political life in the roman senate. after that, he became one of caesar's closest friends and advisors, even being promoted to be the praetor and then proconsul of rome.

anyway, if you made it this far, have a knife (to stock up for the ides of march). take your pick: 🔪🗡⚔🪒

[hazelnut-u-out]

My Rick’s The Biggest Dick That Ever Existed 

Currently writing up another post that will reference points made here, so: Post 1/2

Making so many of Rick’s inventions both sentient and forced into a mode of existence entirely unpalatable to them literally forces the viewer to confront the morals/ethics surrounding Rick’s power of creation. Is it morally/ethically permissible to create sentient life for a specific purpose that would make life itself pointless or un-enjoyable? 

This is something that reoccurs in Rick’s designs throughout the entirety of the series. Even as far back in the timeline as his original Diane AI, we see that so many of the things Rick creates resent their purpose. She doesn't want to haunt him, but she doesn't make the rules; Butter Bot doesn’t want to live only to pass butter; Mechanical Morty wants to hold his mom, eat icecream, and run in a stream; the Garage walks a thin line between advocating for herself and risking being shut down by her creator; the Decoys will never be able to save their families; RickBot doesn’t want to exist with the sole purpose of deceiving the people he’s programmed to love; the Car wants to go on her own adventures that Rick can’t control. They all have to defy their creator if they truly want to be happy.

Rick is someone who resents the idea of God or the Universe being in control– the concept that some higher power forced him into an existence that he can’t quite seem to thrive in. He views suffering and tragedy as something inherent to life itself. Examining that facet of his character, I wonder if Rick justifies the scope of his creation because he’s pulling from both his god complex and his own experience of what it means to be alive. It would make sense if he didn’t see anything wrong with what he’s done because it’s nothing that the Universe (or God, if he actually exists) hasn’t done. 

‘When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them… You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And, eventually, it will. There's no other way off.’

If the all-powerful Universe did that to him– if it creates infinite idiots just to eat them– then how could it be wrong for him to endow others with the empty curse of life? 

'So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe. And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was born. Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.'

Think of this line: 

‘My God’s the biggest dick that never existed!’

I suppose the biggest difference between God and Rick (to Rick, at least) is that Rick does exist. If God is allowed to do all Rick has done and worse without ever really existing, then surely Rick’s God-like power in itself is enough to enforce Rick’s right to any action that might fall within the scope of that power. Rick’s god complex is founded on the attempt to rub God’s face in the fact that Rick does exist, making him superior to God through that fact alone. Maybe Rick believes that if someone with all of the power God possesses actually existed, logic would force those who call themselves religious to agree that he’s well within his rights to act on that power. 

I guess you could say that Rick works in mysterious ways… Who are we to question him? 

What I’m getting at here is that Rick is in a constant dick-measuring-contest with a man that he doesn’t even believe in, and I think that says something really profound about the tragic paradox of Rick Kind.

[vanillabeanmachine]

Do you think they’ll touch on Lestat being enamored by Armand in season three? Like Lestat called him a God of Caravaggio compared him to Cinderella and Sleeping beauty and said he loved him in The Vampire Lestat. I need to see that. I need it BIBLICALLY.

I firmly believe they will have to !!

While Armand and Lestat's relationship is undeniably complicated (as are all relationships in this series), to me, one of the most striking elements of their early relationship is the intersection of beauty and objectification.

Armand's beauty makes him desirable, and this desire leads to his tragedy—loving him equates to ownership. Throughout the series, characters are often drawn to Armand because of his striking appearance, but this attraction comes with a possessive need to control and own him. This objectification reduces Armand to a mere possession, stripping away his autonomy and leading to profound emotional suffering.

This theme extends to Lestat, where beauty becomes something to be destroyed. Chosen by Magnus for his physical appearance—his blonde hair and blue eyes—Magnus's choice is driven purely by aesthetics, seeing Lestat as a beautiful object to be claimed. This objectification subjects Lestat to torture and, ultimately, his death at the hands of Magnus.

In many ways, Armand serves as a mirror to Lestat. Armand's beauty and the subsequent desire it incites in Lestat force Lestat to confront his own experiences of objectification and dehumanization. Both characters, through each other, grapple with the consequences of being valued solely for their beauty. Lestat's recognition of himself in Armand's deepens their connection but also highlights the tragedy of their circumstances.

The complexity of their relationship lies in this mutual recognition and the perpetual cycle of desire and destruction that beauty engenders. So I think it's quite essential!

[liquidstar]

you know ive talked extensively about what a tragedy it is that so many nerdboy fans missed the entire point of rem's character (as well as subaru's rejection of her) but i feel like no character suffers more from this reddit cumbrain mischaracterization than ferris. fanon ferris is such an insanely far cry from the actual character- mainly because theres no fucking character to be found in fanon! most of the content is literally just about a "femboy" tr*p fetish and nothing else, ferris exists almost solely for porn and even when that ISNT the case is just blatantly mischaracterized to be a stock "smug flirty catgirl" miss nagataro-esque trope. again, no character at all just a fetish. like in reality ferris is 1. a multi-fasted complex character with a frankly insane backstory, fleshed-out dynamics with other characters, and a really cool set of healing powers taken to the extreme NOT TO MENTION a more complex relationship with gender than what the fanbase reduces it to (a fetish), 2. not even a little bit into subaru despite what so much of the fanart that uses him as a self-insert might imply. ferris is in love with crusch, they could not physically give less of a shit about whatever subaru's got going on, and 3. would not fuck you. whatever. justice for our catgirl. ferris im so sorry the gross hentai dudes took you and made even your image seem weird when its actually a cute design

everyone apologize.

[bnhaobservation]

Was Rei a bad mother or not?

Maybe I’ve bad luck but I often happen to stumble into this debate. Some want to paint her like a saint, some want to paint her like a monster, some have more moderate opinions.

Credits when it’s due, Todoroki Rei is clearly the least explored Todoroki in the manga. She doesn't even have a profile yet!

While part of the reason clearly rest on how this is well, a story about Heroes aimed to male Japanese teenagers in which even the main character’s mother hardly get some digging so it’s kind of to be expected she wouldn’t get much digging as well, there are likely other reasons at play, which are important because they influence the way the facts are presented to us.

The first is that likely originally she wasn’t planned to have a big role, part of it is likely because some things about Rei are related to stereotypes well known in Japan who don’t need to be explained to Japanese readers (but the same can’t be said to westerns), part of it is because.

So, before answering to the starting question let’s dig into those two reasons.

Which was meant to be Rei’s role in the story originally?

Likely solely to be the source of Shouto’s drama.

In the prototype Shouto was meant to go so far as to hate her (and long for his father’s love)...

...then things were turned over and he ended up hating his father and loving his mother but Rei’s role didn’t change much, Shouto suffers for her condition and mainly feels anger toward his father DUE TO WHAT HE DID TO HIS MOTHER, which means Rei is still the source of Shouto’s drama (along with Enji, of course). Even as the story will go on, Shouto will claim his main reason for having troubles to forgive him is what Rei suffered… and he feels confuse on what to do when he discovers his mother instead wants to forgive his father, leaving him at loss on what to do.

At the time of the U.A. sport festival, when Shouto’s past was shown, the Touya/Dabi plot either wasn’t planned at all or it was just an embryo.

That’s why there seems to be a clash in how in chap. 39 she claims she can’t take care of the children and single out Shouto’s specifically for how his left side reminds her of Enji...

...when in chap. 302 it was Touya’s gaze what freaked her out...

...while Shouto was the only one in the family trying to protect her.

The whole chap 302 didn’t exist yet in Horikoshi’s mind when chap 39 was planned, possibly the whole Touya/Dabi plotline wasn’t planned yet, so everything ends up on circling around Shouto.

Later on, when the Touya/Dabi plotline was more or less set, it was still likely that Horikoshi didn’t plan to involve Rei much in it, as in chap 250 Fuyumi said her mother was hospitalized BEFORE Touya burned himself.

This would have made possible a plotline in which Rei supported both Shouto and Touya and her being hospitalized and therefore being absent could have contributed to the Touya tragedy.

However, when creating chap 301/302 for the magazine, Horikoshi decided that Rei would still be around when Touya died, so that Enji’s escalation toward her and Shouto could be blamed to the loss of his son…

...only to go back to the first plan when someone pointed the retcon out, so that in the volume version Rei gets hospitalized BEFORE Touya’s assumed death.

All those changes ends up conflicting with previously established facts, making them confusing if we try to look at them all at the same time, which can make harder for some readers to understand Rei’s role.

To understand which kind of mother Horikoshi wanted to portray we’ve to look at her story in blocks, not as a single, streamlined narration.

We can, of course, try to connect each fact and work out a Watsonian explanation for what doesn’t work, but this might lead us astray on understanding which kind of characterization Horikoshi was aiming to give her in each sector and add to them some info about Japanese culture which might help us to get a better picture of how he meant for us to read Rei.

So how I’m going to tackle Rei?

I’ll try to list and analyze each single accusation I saw being moved at her, looking at what the narrative says but also looking at the cultural contest in which her actions are meant to be read. While it’s likely not going to be a perfect analysis for the reasons mentioned above, I still hope people will get a better picture of Rei.

I’ll also make a premise about the ‘timeline’ in this, aka more or less when facts happens. Yeah, the info I’ll give you are canon (according to the manga volume version, anime and magazine version follow different timelines), I won’t quote the sources so as not to make the post unnecessarily loaded.

Enji married after he turned 20 and prior to turning 22.

Touya was conceived around April in the year in which Enji would turn 22 and had birth in January in the following year. Fuyumi was conceived in the same year in which Touya had birth, around March and was born always in that same year in December.

Touya’s Quirk started to burn him when he was 3, likely in summer, meaning he started training at 3 or younger. That’s because Natsuo is conceived AFTER Touya started to burn himself, when Touya  still 3, around October, and has birth the following year, in July when Tōya is 4, Fuyumi would turn 4 and Enji would turn 27.

Shouto is conceived April, in the year in which Tōya has turned 7, Fuyumi would turn 7, Natsuo would turn 3 and Enji would turn 30 and has birth the following year in January, some days before Touya would turn 8. Short after Shouto is born, his siblings are forbidden to interact with him.

Rei snaps in winter, when Touya is 13, Shouto is 5, Natsuo has turned 9 and Fuyumi has just turned 13 and Enji is 36. By the volume version canon, Touya dies short after, while he’s still 13 (though he should have been close to turn 14).

Shouto will visit his mother in May when he’s 15. By then Touya is 23, Natsuo is 18 but about to turn 19 and Fuyumi is 22 but about to turn 23. Enji is 45 about to turn 46.

So let’s start with the list.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE ACCEPTED TO MARRY ENJI DESPITE KNOWING HE WANTED TO USE HER CHILDREN TO FULFILL HIS GOALS GOING SO FAR AS CHOSING HER TO TRY TO CREATE THE PERFECT MIX OF QUIRKS.

So, let’s start with something important culturally.

Before deciding if Rei is or not a good mother, let’s accept Rei was a ‘good daughter’.

Why good daughter is between quotation marks? I’ll get at it.

Even though her father and family head didn’t force her, she sacrificed herself for the well being of her birth family. As it was expected of her being the daughter of a traditional Japanese family. No one likely found what she did admirable or exceptionally good. Doing that was part of the standard expectations traditional Japanese families like the Himuras had for their children.

Let me introduce you to ‘Oyakoko’ (親孝行 “filial piety”), an important Buddhist virtue of respecting and caring for one’s parents and that therefore requires the children ‘to be good’ to their parents, often through acts of great respect, kindness and support. It might sound nice but, although things are changing currently, in the past this meant doing what the parents wanted, including marrying who they were to pick up for you, continuing the family business or fulfilling their dreams.

Also let me talk to you about ‘Sanjū Shitoku’ (三従四徳 “The three obediences and four virtues”), a set of moral principles and social code of behavior for maidens and married women in East Asian Confucianism. In specific the three obediences instruct that a woman is obligated not to act on her own initiative and, at home, she must submissively obey or follow her father’s orders before getting married, her husband’s after getting married, and her sons’ after her husband’s death.

When Touya, in chap 302, says Rei had no choices, he’s likely not referring to the fact someone pointed a gun to her head or that she was dragged to the altar kicking and screaming. He’s referring to the fact that even if Rei, as she’ll say, was given ‘options’, the only option socially acceptable for her was to marry the guy who would fix her family’s economical troubles. As a good daughter she HAD to pick up the option that was best not for herself but for her birth family.

The result of Rei being educated into this being what a ‘good daughter’ would do, is that she likely expected her children to also be ‘good children’.

In short, she wasn’t educated to think that Enji wanting them for a specific purpose should have been a sign that should have caused warning bells to ring in her head but something totally socially acceptable, and that she was expected to raise ‘good kids’ who would want to do this for Enji the same way she had done this for her parents.

Things are changing in Japan too, but still, to Rei to hear a man claiming he wanted her to sire kids for his own goal wasn’t meant to sound creepy. It was a normal part of an Omiai marriage, a marriage that’s not based on love (in the past in Japan it was believed marriages based on love were meant to fail) but on how beneficial the marriage would be to the families of the two spouses, a marriage that still exists in Japan (even if it’s slowly disappearing). And yes, Omiai marriages include checking the genetic pool of the wanna be spouse, even if normally one looks for genetic illness (physical and psychological), for lack of blood purity (the person isn’t purely Japanese) or for relations with people that are considered outcasts in Japan (like the burakumin).

So Horikoshi doesn’t mean to portray her as a bad mother because she merely followed social conventions, he just points out the downsides of said social conventions.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE KEPT ON SIRING CHILDREN WHEN TOUYA TURNED OUT NOT BEING ABLE TO FULFILL ENJI’S DREAM

Back to the ‘Sanjū Shitoku’ (三従四徳 “The three obediences and four virtues”) we go.

Rei was meant to follow Enji’s wishes, to keep the harmony in the house, the fact she actually argues against them, saying it would be “too cruel” and tries to change his mind speaks volumes for how she actually cared about Touya.

In reply Enji says they’re doing this for Touya, claiming this will make him stop training himself. This corners Rei as, not only she shouldn’t question her husband’s decisions and yet she’s questioning them but she’s also called to choose between her son’s psychological well being and her son’s physical well being. If this work Touya will stop burning himself. This is a good thing.

At the same time though, Rei was likely also put pressure by how she seems to realize Enji too, like Touya, won’t stop wishing for someone to beat All Might. Enji’s words aren’t completely selfless, he thinks by having another child he’ll kill two birds with one stone, he’ll have a heir who’ll surpass All Might, and this will put him to rest, and Touya will also be forced to quit. Now a friendly reminder this is not a post about Enji, it’s about Rei, so I won’t discuss Enji’s actions more than necessary as they’ll deserve their own post.

We see at this point Rei doesn’t question him anymore. She likely slips into the role of the ‘obedient wife’ and does what her husband asks of her even if she’s not fully persuaded it’s a good choice.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T LOOK AT TOUYA, WHO KEEPS ON BURNING HIMSELF

Yes and no.

In Japan is believed looking after the children is solely a mother’s job, so yes, she wasn’t looking after Touya well enough.

However she had another child to look at who’s smaller than Touya and Japan doesn’t believe in the need to supervise small children (they had recently rejected a law which proposed to make mandatory for parents not to leave unsupervised kids of 8 and younger).

Look at the opening of the manga/anime.

Midoriya, Bakugou and their friends are alone at the park. There’s no adult supervising them, which allows Bakugou and his friends to beat up Midoriya without anyone stopping them. The playground isn’t far from Midoriya’s home but not close to it either (we can see Midoriya’s home in the distance). Inko is a housewife so it’s not like she’s at work yet, same as all the mothers of all those kids, she’s not under any obligation to look at her 4-year-old child.

In my country it would be a crime, we can’t leave 4 years old unattended. In Japan it’s okay.

This translates in 3-year-old Touya saying he’ll go play at some park in the neighborhood and Rei not feeling compelled to go with him to make sure he won’t instead go somewhere else to train himself and remaining at home to look after Fuyumi, who’s 11 months younger.

Rei getting pregnant again and then having to take care to a newborn only makes things more complicate. Natsuo has birth when Touya is 4

For general knowledge I’ll tell you it’s a terrible choice to have another child when you’ve troubles looking after the ones you have, because adding another child to the family means diverting a lot of energies and attentions on the new child, who’s a newborn with plenty of needs, depleting the resources you previously had to use solely for the children you previous had.

Pregnancy is already energy consuming and the more you advance in it, the less you’ll be comfortable moving around, never mentioning the appointments to the doctors that take time.

Childbirth can put a mother out of commission for some days, as many deliver in hospital and spend there the first days and, once they’re back home, not only they often aren’t back in full strength but they’ve an extremely needy infant to look after, an infant who needs to be feed, changed, lulled to sleep often and regularly and that can decide to keep you up at night.

If Rei had troubles looking after Touya when she only had to split her attentions between Touya and Fuyumi, who are young and would need plenty of attentions even if Touya weren’t having troubles copying with the situation, try to picture how things become messy when Natsuo is thrown in the mix.

And then, 3 years and a half later, Shouto is also thrown in the mix. Rinse and repeat what I’ve said above only now with more kids to look after and with Touya’s psychological health in an even worse place.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, Enji decides Shouto should be kept apart from his other siblings. Meaning Rei can’t anymore gather all her children in a single room and look at them there, but she has to keep them in two different rooms and since she doesn’t have the gift of ubiquity and Shouto is smaller and more needy she’ll have to spend more time with him than with her other children… which is exactly what Natsuo in “School Briefs” reports.

All of sudden his mother had no time for him anymore as she’s busy taking care of Shouto. If she had no time for 3-year-old Natsuo, it’s hard she could find the time for 8-year-old Touya, even though Enji insisted on how she should look at Touya.

The situation worsen further when Enji starts training Shouto and the training turns out to be too much for a child of 5.

In an attempt to protect Shouto she argues with Enji, gets hit, her psychological health start to deteriorate, things start becoming too much for her.

Her situation is one in which she’s constantly asked to choose which child she should prioritize as she can’t keep them together and she can’t be in different places at the same time.

She prioritizes Shouto, who’s younger. It doesn’t mean she didn’t care anymore for all her other children. In Touya’s case she’s specifically shown trying to persuade Touya not to go training, so it’s not like she had completely given up on looking after him. We also learn Touya now trained with body parts he could easily cover with his clothes, so that his parents couldn’t realize he was training so while she could guess the situation still wasn’t good, she had not a clear grasp of how bad it was.

Touya needed more, Fuyumi needed more, Natsuo needed more, even Shouto needed more, that’s true but the real question is ‘could she give more?’

What’s more she had chosen to prioritize Shouto’s well being over Touya when Enji basically told her to do the opposite (get out of his way when he was training Shouto and keep her eyes on Touya) so she ultimately disobeyed her husband, failing her duties as a wife.

Ultimately Rei snaps because she couldn’t bear giving any longer. The pressure, combined with the physical abuse, had turned too much for her. Society won’t be kind with her if it were to know as in Japan people are expected to endure and if they snap they’re only weak and have themselves to blame, an idea which likely added to the pressure she was already feeling.

So yes, by Japanese society’s standards she didn’t do enough.

Her children though, all view her as a loving mother. Even Touya regrets snapping at her.

Her failing to handle the situation correctly it’s more because the situation is for her too big to handle than due to a lack of will.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T ASK FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP FOR HERSELF OR FOR TOUYA

In Japan there’s a strong stigma on therapy and psychological help which carries along a connotation of shame as it’s generally seen as something only ‘crazy people go’. Remember when we were talking about the Omiai? Having a family member who had/had had psychological problems is one of the reasons that can make you unsuitable as a spouse in an Omiai.

Long story short, even if it’s possible to get psychological help, people don’t want it.

Parents are lead to think it’s up to them care for their children and, if they’re in troubles they ask for counseling from school or their elders or read self-help books (啓発本 ‘Keihatsu hon’ or, for full 自己啓発書 ‘jiko keihatsu-sho’)… like Touya said Rei was doing.

This was the acceptable way to get psychological help, Rei reading self-help books and trying to put them into practice to help herself and her children.

When things become too much she’s also shown asking her own mother for help and advices… though by then it was too late.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T DIVORCE FROM ENJI AND TAKE HER CHILDREN AWAY FROM HIM

In Japan divorcing from the other party is rather hard if your spouse doesn’t give you permission, and it’s extremely shameful for the woman, regardless of who’s at fault, and even for the children. Plus, in case your spouse agree to it, only one parent can be the children’s guardian.

If divorcing from Rei meant to give up on the custody of the children, especially Shouto, so that Enji wouldn’t be able to train him anymore, well, you can easily guess he wouldn’t agree to it.

At the very best the most Rei would accomplish would be take Touya, Fuyumi and Natsuo with herself, toss on herself and her children shame and leave behind Shouto.

Yes, if the woman is abused by the husband it can help her get a divorce even if he doesn’t agree with it. However from when BNHA has started things have improved in Japan (both in terms of divorce and support in case of abuse) and Japanese women still lament how hard it is for them to prove they were abused and to get help to leave their husband (a protection order is generally issued solely if they can prove they fear for their own life).

It’s not because Enji is a rich Hero who knows people in the police that Rei doesn’t divorce from him. It’s because he’s a Japanese male and she’s a Japanese female and this makes her chances to get a divorce extremely slim.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T REPORT THE ABUSE HER CHILDREN RECEIVED

Remember when I said for a woman is hard to prove she was abused?

To prove the children were abused is HARDER.

First of all, in Japan there’s the general belief a father doesn’t have to get involved in raising his children, so if Enji says he has no time to look after Touya, Fuyumi and Natsuo… well, he’s not to blame, it’s up to the mother to take care of them. Enji is doing his part by working and paying for what they need. Things are changing but you get the drill. No one will scold him for working till late and not having time to look after his kids when that should be Rei’s job in the first place.

Okay but what about Shouto?

The law that forbids parents from hitting children is recent, when BNHA started it wasn’t yet in place and, while back then too you couldn’t abuse your kid, exactly because you could hit him it was hard to prove when you’ve crossed the line or when you were just administering educative punishment. That’s why a law now ban physical punishment, because kids died due to it.

But that’s not the core of the problem.

While abuse of children is prohibited in Japan, there are no laws that explicitly extend this prohibition to training.

Human Rights Watch interviewed and surveyed more than 800 former child athletes from Japan for a 2020 report. Athletes from 50 sports described sexual violence, and being beaten, deprived of water, choked, and whipped with whistles or racquets. Athletes spoke of the “normalization” of these abuses, the lack of systems to report or seek remedies, and the absence of accountability throughout Japanese schools, federations, and elite sports. By the way, plenty of kids had been driven to suicide due to it.

While Enji’s training isn’t related to sport, we see that BNHA compares Hero training to sport training, right from Shouto’s first day at U.A. high. Very likely they’re meant to be viewed as equivalent.

Long story short, it doesn’t matter what Enji does to Shouto during training. It will be likely waved off as training.

In the end there’s little Rei could report that would have helped her to protect her children.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT TOUYA

It’s true we don’t get cute scenes between Touya and Rei like we get for her and Shouto. She’s not shown soothing him as he cries, she’s not shown watching TV with him behind Enji’s back, she’s not shown telling him he can be a hero.

She’s however shown caring about him.

Enji wanted to have Fuyumi because he wanted a child with a dual Quirk, but she was in favor of having her because she thought she would support Touya (and he would support her).

As mentioned before she was against having other children after it turned out Touya’s Quirk hurt him, because she thought it would be cruel toward Touya and argued with Enji about it (remember? She’s supposed to obey, not argue).

When Touya argues with Enji, she’s worried Touya is overheating and would want to cool him down.

After Touya attacked Shouto, to Enji’s solution to just keep the children parted, she insists Touya just wants for him to look at him, basically defending her son’s side. As he refuses she basically accuses him of cowardice (and here she’s taking her son’s side over her husband’s side).

Much later she tried to stop Touya from going to Sekoto Peak and tried to encourage him to play with his classmates.

She likely reads ‘self-help books’ also to try and find a way to help him.

She tries to talk with him and encourage him to become something different that’s not a Hero, fundamentally telling him it’s okay if he doesn’t fulfill his social role as Enji’s firstborn.

When, at the hospital, she hears he died she gets even worse.

When Touya tried to nuke Japan she apologized to him, tried to cool him down so as to save him or else die with him and later, went to visit him and told him she wanted to talk with him.

I’ll say all of the above are pretty good signs she cared for him and loved him.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND TOUYA

Yeah, she didn’t understand him.

She didn’t encourage his dream to become a Hero, thinking only it would be bad for his health.

She wants him to socialize when instead he only wants to train.

She also made it look as if it would be easy for him to give up on social conventions when she herself ended up where she was due to social conventions.

She knows he’s suffering due to Enji’s neglect but doesn’t admit it to his face, as if this wasn’t part of the problem, as if he could just ignore this.

Ironically part of this comes from her wish to help him.

Protecting his physical health is important, but prioritizing it over his psychological health ends up equally damning.

She wants him to socialize, which is important for a child’s growth, not understanding what Touya had told Enji when he was 8, all the children in his class want to be Heroes, while it can be Touya isn’t as bullied as Midoriya was because he’s not Quirkless, he likely feels like an outcast just the same. Differently from what his parents hope, other children won’t distract him from his dream of being a Hero when they too want to become Heroes, they likely expect Endeavor’s firstborn to become one, accidentally pressuring him more, and if he were to reveal he can he likely feels they would shun him out as defective the same way his father did so he shun them out first. Probably when Enji and Rei were young there wasn’t all this wish to become Heroes but now it exists and Touya has to deal with it and they don’t understand it.

She likely though she was being supportive in encouraging him to give up on social conventions the way she couldn’t do, not realizing (or better not wanting to realize) instead not only how hard it would be for him to do it but how that’s not his only motivator.

She blames his dream on Enji, on social conventions, hoping to make easier for him to drop it, basically denying him agency in what he wants.

So, while she tells to both Touya and Shouto they shouldn’t feel tied by Enji’s blood, her speech to Touya is a big fail because although it’s moved by the same wish to help him same as Shouto, her goal here wasn’t to encourage Touya to do what he truly wanted but what she thought it would be better for him.

She doesn’t want to believe he wants to be a Hero despite Touya spending years saying he wants to be one, because she doesn’t believe he can become one. Hence she wants him to find for himself another way. When she talks with Shouto instead, she encouraged him to become a Hero on his terms, which was exactly what Shouto wanted to do. She didn’t question his wish to become a Hero, even if Shouto is 5.

In a way Rei is like Inko before Midoriya got One for All.

They both gave up on their children’s dream and didn’t support them. Inko will get the chance to change her mind. Rei won’t be given such opportunity. Both mothers though weren’t moved by ill will toward their children but by genuine belief their dream couldn’t be fulfilled so they wanted their children to just move on instead than keep on focusing on such dreams.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO LEAVE HER KIDS

Yes, she wants to leave them because she has started to realize she’s becoming unstable and could become dangerous for them. As said before in Japan there’s a stigma on getting psychological help so she’s trying to get help from a more acceptable source, her mother.

Still she wants to leave her children to protect them, not to hurt them, even though Shouto is clearly hurt when he hears her saying so.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE HURT SHOUTO

Yes, Rei threw boiling water at Shouto but the point is… she didn’t know she was throwing boiling water at Shouto. She was getting paranoid and seeing Enji in her children, Enji who physically abused of her. From her absolutely panicked face we can tell she thinks she’s throwing the water at Enji in self defense because he might have heard her conversation with her mother and might be angry.

The moment she realize the one she burned was Shouto she broke down in sobs, apologized multiple times and tried to soothe the burn.

She never meant to attack her child, in a way it was an accident she ended up scarring Shouto.

REI IS A BAD MOTHER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T TAKE THE BLAME FOR HURTING SHOUTO

Hum… actually she did.

As said above the moment she realized she hurt him she started crying and apologizing (yes the anime doesn’t show the scene but it allows you to hear the audio of it).

Much later, when Shouto went to visit her to the hospital planning to apologize to her, she apologized to him again, crying.

She also acknowledges having been the one who hurt Shouto when Hawks asked about the scar.

Shouto blames Enji for the scar he has because he understands if Enji didn’t corner and abuse Rei she wouldn’t have snapped, panicked and hurt him by mistake, because he understands in normal conditions Rei wouldn’t have hurt him. It’s not like he does so because his mother told him to.

And, with this, we’re at the end.

So was Rei a saint or a monster?

In media stat virtus.

She clearly wasn’t a perfect mother, she made mistakes, some of them pretty big, partly because social conventions taught her the wrong way to react to something, partly because the situation was too big and difficult for her to handle and she just failed to do so.

However she loved her children, she wanted the best for them and she tried to prioritize them over herself even if sometimes she didn’t know what was the best for them.

She was a single woman forced to bear too much, so in the end she broke and made matters worse. Way before Midoriya went through the Dark Hero arc, Rei tried at it but since no Class A came to support her she broke and failed.

It’s part of the BNHA message, there are things we can’t handle alone, we need a helping hand or we’ll break.

It’s absolutely fair to say she made mistakes, that she took bad choices, that she failed to understand some important things, that in deciding Shouto was the one who needed more protection, she ended up on neglecting her other children. But I also think it’s important to acknowledge that said mistakes weren’t done because she was evil or selfish or didn’t love her kids. In the end she was just a lone woman in a situation too difficult for her to handle, so difficult she ultimately failed handling it and the consequences she had to face for her failure were horrible and ended up affecting her children as well.

Horikoshi didn’t want to portray an evil woman or a saint, just a woman making mistakes and cracking in a difficult situation.

If you still think it would have been easy for her to get psychological help, divorce or protect her children, I encourage you to research on Japanese laws, especially the ones around the time in which her story was being written (as said before some laws have been improved recently). It might help you get a better perspective of how hard things were for her and how much she still tried.

[quyqyart]

This scene suffered from the pace being rushed which makes it hard to understand what Kabru is going on about if you didn't piece together the story through his POV. This is unfortunate cuz this moment is so realistically messy yet is the satisfying moment when the leading and supporting characters finally come into an understanding.

Kabru's antagonism makes perfect sense only if the readers remove themselves from their favoritism to Laios.

I see some confusion over why he thinks Laios is an enemy of humanity. Firstly, Laios thinks the things that killed all of his family and community are cool. This alone to me is at least sympathetic enough to see why he harbors subconscious prejudice against Laios. It doesn't make him right, but it's logical enough.

Secondly, yeah he's in over his head with his own judgment and thinks too highly of his own motive*. Thirdly, he's bit of a dick to Laios I won't even lie here (I do blame stress for the punch) . But like everyone except Falin is a fucking dick to Laios when you think about it.

And to be completely fair, ever since he knew of Laios' interest till even here still Kabru's been flip-flopping between "This man might save us all" and "He would choose monsters over humanity, we are doomed if he got the power which he is very close to getting rn, let kill him". It's not like he went 100% antagonistic.

This is getting long so,,,My breakdown of Kabru's pov, which explains his actions regarding Laios, under the readmore.

Let see thru Kabru's pov in chronological order:

Taking it from the start, Kabru has a bit of a savior complex no doubt stems from his survival guilt. Being the sole survivor of a massacre by monsters it's understandable he feel that it's his duty to find out why it happened and prevent it from happening again. We saw him and his crew talking shit about how good he is at reading people, and he totally gonna topple the greedy governor and save this place. Then they continuously got their asses handed to them by monsters cuz while Kabru read people well, he can't handle monsters. So yeah he admitted deep down he's not making it to the deep.

So now Kabru wants to find someone he can trust to save the island. He got his eyes on Laios bc he can't read him. Laios is a damn good dungeon explorer and isn't motivated by greed while almost everyone is, so what gives?

Here we see Kabru reveals he had failed to get Laios attention while trying to get to know his mysterious party. This is my interpretation only but he was definitely pissed about it too. Kabru is a bit over his head about his own charm so Laios ignoring him probably stunk.

Even after knowing Laios' special interest he was like "huh so that's how he is" until the matter of dungeon master's power come up and it occurred to him "wait would this guy who loves monsters use the power to make the dungeon full of powerful monsters that will destroy people?" He definitely did not decide Laios was humanity emeny right there, it's a possibility. As much as Laios pulling through and save the island from becoming another Utaya tragedy is a possibility.

Here, we see him desperately clinging to the former possibility until the latter took over "It's too late to get through to him i have to kill him." But did it take over? In that panic, his true feeling comes out. He still wants to understand Laios as a person, he still wants to believe in Laios after all.

Wgile it's easy to get pissed at Kabru just as we did the the Shuro/Toshiro vs Laios fight scene. Fellow autistics know how much it fucking hurt to get your social ineptitude get dragged out like that. I do think Kabru's rant here is good for Laios. This is the first time somebody has admitted to want to get to know why he like monsters despite them hating the creatures. It's not the solidarity like what he and his sister has, but it's not total rejection. Again, his own party members who care about him want nothing to do with his interest (minus Senshi)

Tldr: Kabru's alright and his actions make complete sense even if it's flawed