#i love them with alk my heart i wish they could go back to this

[aengelren]

Isayama drew Eren and Jean sleeping next to each other on every sleeping occasion we’ve had

[a-n-conrad]

Dinner With May (PS4!Peter Parker x Reader)

[Summary: After the events of the PS4 Spider-man game, you find yourself and your boyfriend, Peter, having dinner at his aunt’s house. For some reason, Peter seemed even more anxious than usual. It wasn’t until you overheard a conversation between him and his aunt that you figured out why. (She/Her pronouns)

Warnings: PS4 Spider-man spoilers, not canon compliant, marriage/proposals, anxiety

Request: From my request survey (https://forms.gle/LbodcqZ7nxfGbNW96)]

It had been a chaotic month for you and Peter. Peter had been working almost nonstop as Spider-man, having to fight all of his biggest villains along with his mentor and the man that his aunt worked for, two men that he looked up to and trusted. He had been hurt fairly badly at certain points, and you had to patch him up when he did.

Not to mention, at one point Dr. Octavius had released a plague onto New York in an attempt to get revenge against Norman Osborn, and for the few days after that, you were helping Miles Morales and Peter’s Aunt May work to help all the people at the F.E.A.S.T. center that were going there for shelter as the city descended into chaos. By the end of it, May had gotten sick, Peter had broken multiple bones, and you and Miles had been almost killed a few different times. Peter was barely able to save May in time, and the clean-up still wasn’t done, but you guys were finally able to take a day to relax.

May had noticed that the two of you had been working nearly constantly, so she had invited the two of you over for dinner. May was a sweetheart. And she was an amazing cook, too so you were relatively excited to get to sit down for a nice meal with Peter and his aunt.

She was making your favorite, which you had told her a thousand times she didn’t need to do. But she was insistent. At this point, she switched between cooking your favorite meal and Peter’s every time the two of you went over for dinner.

You didn’t get the chance to go over to her house as much as you would like. You were busy enough with your job, and most nights Peter was gone before dinner to go stop crimes throughout the city. So more often than not, you were on your own for dinner, grabbing something quick from a shop that does takeout on your way home from work late in the evening.

But you had taken the day off of work to finally get a chance to relax, and you had insisted that Peter do the same, despite his protests that he was “totally fine” and “couldn’t take a day off”. Eventually, you had to get Miles to promise that he could handle one night on his own and that he would call Peter if anything came up that he needed help with. He was still pretty new to everything, but he could manage the petty crimes on his own.

- - - - -

The sun was already setting by the time the two of you got to May’s house. It had taken you almost an hour to get Peter out of the apartment that you shared, between him needed to call Miles to check-in and him nervously trying to make sure that he remembered everything. He apologized profusely for the entire trip over for making you late, and you spent the entire time trying to convince him that he didn’t need to apologize.

He had finally calmed down a bit by the time you got to his aunt’s house. He was always pretty anxious, especially when he wasn’t in his Spider-man suit, but somehow he seemed extra nervous tonight. You wondered if maybe his mental health had been suffering lately, after everything that had happened. You had to admit that you were starting to get a bit worried about him. You knew he could take care of himself, but sometimes he just didn’t. He had this bad habit of sacrificing his health and safety for the people around him and you were worried that he was doing that again.

So you hoped that dragging him to a nice dinner with his aunt would get him to take a bit of time for himself. She had been trying to get him to take better care of himself for as long as you could remember, so maybe she could do something to help convince him to take a few days to himself every once in a while. You didn’t want to make it seem like you were ganging up on him, but you had almost lost him a few times in the recent past and you weren’t ready for that.

“So which one of us do you think is going to insist on doing dishes after dinner first tonight,” You asked, your tone a bit teasing as you tried to lighten the mood a bit and distract Peter from his anxiety.

“Hmmm,” He pretended to think about it, the way he usually did when you teased him and he decided to play along, “Probably you, since you always seem to beat me to it.”

“Now that’s not true,” You place your hand over your heart in mock offense, like one of the ladies in a Victorian Era period drama, “I let you do the dishes on my birthday.”

He shook his head and chuckled a bit at that, before finally knocking on the door to his aunt’s house.

She opened the door with a smile on her face and the smell of amazing food wafting out of the kitchen. She greeted you each with a hug, letting you into the house like it was your house too. She had tried to convince you that you didn’t need to knock, but you insisted. You got a bit anxious when manners were in question. Maybe your anxiety was part of the reason that you and Peter worked so well together.

“It’s so nice to see you two,” May said as the two of you walked into the house. Her eyes almost started welling up with tears as she looked at you and Peter. Peter had officially revealed his identity as Spider-Man to her in the heat of everything happening and, while she had known the entire time, she had been incredibly worried for his safety with everything that was happening.

“It’s nice to see you too, Aunt May,” Peter almost melted as he walked into the living room. The tension seemed to drain from his shoulders as he looked at his aunt and took in the fact that she was safe, “How are feeling?”

“Just fine, Peter,” She said, her voice kind and reassuring in the way that you knew would calm Peter’s nerves a little, “I’ve been recovering pretty well, and it helps to get a day off to rest.”

You could tell that the last sentence was a little pointed, not in a scolding way, but instead in the way your mom did when she knew you hadn’t had any water all day. With a bit of teasing but mostly with care and concern for your wellbeing. And you could tell that he could hear it too by the slightly sheepish look that crossed his face.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well,” You responded, unable to stop the smile from crossing your face. It was always kind of cute to see him come back home. You got to see him in a lot of different lights, as Peter Parker the scientist, the photographer, the awkward date, and of course, the city’s hero. But despite all of these different personas, you had to say that Peter Parker, the doting nephew was one of your favorites, “Thank you so much for inviting us over.”

“Of course, dear,” She turned to you with the same soft smile on her face, “You know you’re always welcome over, I’m just thankful that you managed to convince my nephew to take enough time off to come to visit me.”

You chuckle a little at that, “Of course, May. You know he’d come visit more if he wasn’t so busy with trying to stop every crime in New York.”

“Oh, I know. And I appreciate you looking out for him, dear.”

- - - - -

Dinner was nice. One of those moments that you wished you could freeze in time. You were warm and your stomach was full and you were smiling the entire time. It was the first time in a long time that you were pretty sure that nothing bad would happen for at least the next hour. You got to be domestic for just a little while, safe and happy and surrounded by the love of your life and his family.

“Alright, I’ll get started on the dishes,” You said when the meal ended, shooting a wink at Peter as you stand. May shot you the same exasperated look that she always did, but let you take her plate. She had given up on trying to stop you a long time ago, realizing that you would insist no matter what she said. Peter just chuckled a bit, remembering your conversation from earlier.

Doing dishes alone in the kitchen was nice sometimes. It was a moment for you to collect yourself. You loved May and Peter, and you didn’t mind spending the whole night with them, but sometimes a few moments of quiet was nice. The smell of the food still wafted around you, and the sound of the water rushing from the sink made you think of a waterfall sometimes, even though doing the dishes wasn’t exactly the most enjoyable chore.

Sometimes, if you focused, you could still hear the conversation that was going on in the dining room. You didn’t intend to eavesdrop or anything, you were just curious. Usually, they’d just alk about F.E.A.S.T. or maybe reminisce about when Peter was a child. It was just nice to listen in a bit on their small talk, getting to know what Peter was like with just his aunt and no one else around.

Today’s conversation was a bit different, though.

“So have you asked her yet, Peter?” You heard Aunt May ask, piquing your interest.

“No, of course not,” Peter sighed, “With everything that’s going on, all of the clean-up throughout the city, there really hasn’t been a good time.”

“I suppose that’s fair, Pete, but you’re going to have to ask eventually. Unless you don’t want to,” You were sure they were talking about you, but you weren’t quite sure exactly what he was planning on asking you. Well, maybe. But you didn’t want to assume. You didn’t want to get your hopes up.

“I do! I really do,” Peter responded, almost outraged at the idea that he didn’t actually want to ask, “I just want it to be perfect. And you know we’re so busy. This is my first day off since everything went down with Mr. Li, so I hardly have time to plan a romantic dinner.”

“Peter, you don’t have to plan out the perfect romantic dinner, I promise.”

“But what if she says no,” He sighed, sounding defeated, “It’s dangerous to be with me. I could put her in danger. And even if I don’t, what’s going to happen when she gets sick of having to take care of me? It’s not easy to deal with me running off all the time and coming back with cuts and broken bones.”

“No, it’s not easy,” May sighed, “But she’s been here for this long. She knows what she’s getting herself into, and she’s stayed this long. Has she ever asked you to stop what you were doing or to choose between her and Spider-man?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Then she’s not going to,” May explained, and you couldn’t help but nod, even though neither of them could see you, “She’s chosen to stay this long. If she was going to leave, she would’ve done it by now.”

There was a silence creeping out of the dining room as the conversation paused. You wondered if he believed it. Because May was right. It was hard, and you worried almost constantly about Peter, but you loved him. You loved him no matter how many dates he skipped out on to go fight crime or how many nights he woke you up at two in the morning to help patch him up after a fight. And you weren’t going anywhere.

The air felt heavy, and you felt your heart tighten a little. You knew Peter was a bit insecure and anxious. You knew that sometimes he didn’t feel good enough, he was overwhelmed and he felt as though the world was on his shoulder. But you had hoped that he knew that you would never think that he wasn’t good enough.

You weren’t quite sure what to do, but you couldn’t let him think like that. Before you could even think of a plan, you were walking into the dining room.

“Oh, uh, hey,” You could tell by the look on Peter’s face that he knew that you had heard their conversation, “How much of that could you hear?”

“All of it.”

All three of you froze for just a moment, before May stood up, “Well, why don’t I go finish the dishes while you two talk.”

“Peter, you know I’m not leaving, right?” You asked, sitting next to him as May walked out of the room.

“I know,” He sighed, “I just… You deserve so much better. I’m kind of a terrible boyfriend, (Y/N). I’m not super reliable, and I know I stress you out.”

“I’m stressed because I care about you, Pete. I love you and you’re constantly putting yourself in danger, but I understand it,” You explained, grabbing his hand on the table, “I love how much you want to help everyone, and I’ll always be here when you need me. I don’t mind if you have to run out on dates, because I know you still care. And you’re not a terrible boyfriend. You’re an incredibly caring person with the world on your shoulders, and you don’t have to do that alone, Pete. I’m right here, and I’m going to stay right here.”

You could see tears welling up in his eyes like he had been waiting for years to hear that. And maybe he had. You squeezed his hand lightly, hoping to reassure him a little. He looked up at you, looking at you like you were the only person in the world. Like if he had to trade the moon and all the stars in the sky to keep you safe, he would. Like you were the only thing that has ever and would ever matter.

“I love you, Pete,” You whispered, hoping it would finally get through to him.

“I love you too,” He replied, you saw his hand slip into his pocket, his fingers nervously fidgeting with something. You could tell he still had something on his mind, and you were pretty sure you knew what it was, but you didn’t want to push him. He’d ask when he was comfortable and you didn’t want to push him before that, “You heard the whole conversation, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, I’m sure you already know what I have to ask,” He sighed, sliding out of the chair and down to one knee, verifying your suspicions, “I wanted this to be more romantic, but, uh, well…”

You nod. You had a feeling he had already rehearsed the speech he was about to give at least twenty times, so you weren’t going to interrupt him, but you wanted to signal that he should keep going.

“(Y/N), I know it’s not easy to be with me. I’m flaky, I stay stupid stuff half the time, and I’d never wish the pressure of dating a superhero on anyone. But through all of this, you’re here, and I wouldn’t have it any other way,” He took a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t know if I could do what I do without you. You make me feel like the weight of everything I do isn’t as much as it is. And you give me something to go home to, somewhere safe and warm. (Y/N), you’re my lifeline through all of this mess, and it would be the greatest honor of my life if you would marry me.”

You’re crying so hard by the end that you don’t even notice the ring he pulls out of his pocket. You’re too busy trying to look him in the eyes through your tears, “Of course I will.”

You dropped down to hug him, and he pulled you as close to him as he could. It was a firm hug, and you could tell he was focusing really hard on not squeezing too tight. So you hugged him tighter. You staying like that for a few moments, soaking his shirt with happy tears, before he pulled back from the hug to grab your hand and slide the ring onto your finger.

“Congratulations,” May interrupted from the doorway, a wide grin on her face and proud tears in her eyes, “Now what do you say we have some cake to celebrate?”

“I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."

[scribe-of-maat]

Rick Riordan Presents Thoughts

Been working my way through these for a while now. Will continue to do so. Here’re some unasked-for thoughts. Presented in the order I read them:

Dragon Pearl - My least favorite part of this book is that the setting makes it incompatible with the Riordanverse T__T. Loved Min and her using her wits to be a trickster hero and get to where she was going to go, but I was mainly a sucker for her gumiho powers. I felt like there was still room for more with Nari, but alas seems to be one-and-done.

The Storm Runner - My first Haven’t Finished of the list. There was just something unengaging about this. I’ve tried it twice and failed. Burn me at the stake, but I couldn’t connect with Zane or his love of dogs or his and Brooks’ clonky romance. I actually haven’t even gotten to where we find out who his dad is. The way it’s written has me fighting the prose, and every time I win we get more clonky text to grind through.

Race to the Sun - My second (and so far last) Haven’t Finished of the list. The author definitely has Gen Z-speak down, but it feels fanfictionier than the others. I wish we’d spent more time at ICCS. I wish we could be getting more tidbits about other First Nations, though I’m fine with the Navajo focus. Things are happening quickly but it feels like Rebecca Roanhorse is breezing through Navajo Mythology rather than trying to build something.

Aru Shah and the End of Time - The absolute STANDOUT of the offerings so far. Heart, soul, mind, body, if you were looking for something as memorable as PJO from these, this’ll give it to you. I want to BE a Pandava, which is the ultimate feeling I enjoy most from these. A fully-fleshed out world of young heroes being trained, found sisterhood, a genderbend of the Mahabarata. Roshani Chokshi has a very obvious passion for this project. It shows, and I’m hooked.

Tristan Strong Punches a Hole in the Sky - The most disappointing one on this list. I did not want to go to Alke or be an Anansesem. I realize this book is written for younger audiences, but Kwame Mbalia has written the main character so that Black men born anytime from the 90s back can see themselves in him, but it’s wholly divorced from the voice younger kids have. It wasn’t bad, but I wasn’t a fan of Ayanna and Thandie not having arcs and Tristan’s feeling inadequately resolved. I DID like the penultimate villain, but man.

Aru Shah and the Song of Death - Again, beautiful.

Sal and Gabi Break the Universe - Pleasantly surprised! In my adult like so far I’ve been around Spanish-speakers more often and the Spanglish feels true-to-life. Culeco is a school I’d have loved to go to, even if the only supernatural thing about it is Sal (and Gabi). But not only is Sal an amazing MC, but he and Gabi play off each other so well, and even though it’s not mythology focused in the slightest it gives that same feeling of a brujo and a bruja against the world.

[milfgritty]

i’ll be good | j. hughes & t. zegras

❀ ⇢ requested: yes | no ❀ ⇢ word count: 1.7k

having a crush on one person was confusing enough. now throw in one of their teammates and you weren’t sure where that left you anymore.

⇢ posted: 04.12.19 . | . masterlist   prev. | next.

Walking into the small party, a thrill rushed through you. This was one of your favorite things; the celebration after a big win. All of the guys were happy, smiles adorning their faces, everyone in a good mood.

Eyes sweeping over the room, it took only a few seconds before they landed on the other reason you loved these parties so much.

Jack stood in the middle of the group with a cup gripped loosely in his hands, laughing with his teammates. Your heart gave a flutter and you couldn’t stop the tiny smile that crept onto your lips. It amazed you that the crush you had on him was still going strong even after so long. It started soon after you were introduced to the group, the guys quickly accepting you in as one of their own. Minus the whole male hockey player part, of course. At first, they were all just friends to you. Some friends that just happened to be more attractive than others. And then your eyes began being drawn to Jack every time you were around each other.

It started small, innocent, and the next thing you knew you were head over heels for the talented teen.

Obviously, nothing ever came of your feelings, in part due to Jack being oblivious to you. The two of you were friends to him, nothing more.

Always nothing more.

That didn’t stop you from being attracted like a moth to a flame, though you did at least hide it for the most part. A small part of you kept up hope that maybe he did return your feelings, one that was bigger than you cared to admit.

You found yourself brought back to the present when a hand dropped onto your shoulder in greeting. Gaze traveling upward, you met the owner’s eyes.

“Hey, Trev,” you grinned, having to raise your voice to be heard.

Drawing his hand back to run it through his hand, he returned your warm smile, “Just get here?”

Humming, you nodded. Trevor shuffled closer to you, trying to avoid having to yell.

“Do you want a drink?” he offered, raising his eyebrows.

Looking back to the group that was beginning to disperse on the other side of the room, you shook your head. “I think I’m good for right now. I’m actually gonna go say hi to the rest of the guys.”

His expression dropped for a second before he perked back up. “Oh, cool. You should go do that.”

By the time he had finished talking you were already moving away, his words drowning out behind you. Guilt weighed on you for leaving so swiftly, but you wanted to catch Jack before he got pulled into another conversation. Dancing around people, you muttered apologies here and there when you felt yourself collide with a body.

Jack had already disappeared into the kitchen once you reached your destination. Huffing out a breath, you started to second guess your decision of wanting to talk to him alone. What were you even going to say anyway? Wow Jack, great game. That goal you scored near the end of the third was really something.

Yea, because that wasn’t awkward at all.

Mentally cursing yourself, you hadn’t noticed that you were wandering near the kitchen until the music began fading and you could hear voices. Furrowing your brows, you made your way closer to the room when the conversation became clearer.

“Did you see that one chick near the benches?” one of them laughed loudly. “Damn, she was so hot.”

A chorus of agreements rung out as you paused in your steps. You were just about to turn around and leave when an achingly familiar voice started talking.

“She slipped me her number after the game,” Jack told them, smugness dripping from his voice.

“Oh, come on,” someone groaned at the same time another yelled, “That’s so not fair, man!”

Another round of laughter set in, along with the dull sound of one of them hitting another.

When the noise finally died back down, the voice that you now recognized as Cole spoke up. “So,” he drew out, getting another few laughs before continuing, “You gonna text her?”

You waited with bated breath for Jack’s answer, leaning closer to the cracked door separating them from you.

Long seconds passed, Jack seemingly leaving them in suspense. Damn it, you wish you could see what was happening. Just as you were about to give up and leave, he answered.

“Maybe,” he said, words muffled and yet still managing to come off as sly.

The rest of the guys hooted and whistled, someone shouting out, “Get it, Hughes!”

Tears filled your eyes against your will and you turned to flee. You barely registered Jack yelling, “You almost made me spill my damn drink!”, his voice already fading out. Instead, the loud music from earlier once more surrounded you. Pushing through bodies gave you a sense of deja-vu, only this time you were frantic in your attempt to escape from the scene behind you.

You knew you were overreacting, being dramatic without actual cause. It wasn’t like the two of you were dating, you had no control over Jack. He could go after whoever he wanted.

But god, did it hurt that it wasn’t you.

Reaching the front door, you hurried outside. The chill immediately crashed into you, leaving you immensely grateful that you hadn’t taken off your jacket when you got there. You fought down the pain in your heart and chest, letting the cold numb you inside and out as you walked down the porch’s steps.

Sucking in a labored breath, you came to a decision. It was time to move on from him. You had known that for a while, but it was always the what if’s that stopped you from committing to it.

Now, with your mind flashing back to the kitchen, you knew that there weren’t anymore what if’s left. If Jack liked you then he would’ve done something by now, asked you out or made a move or something.

You had to move on. You were going to move on.

Partway to your car, you were brought out of your thoughts for the second time that night.

“Y/N!” a voice huffed behind you. Spinning, you were brought face to face with a shivering Trevor. His face was already flush from the chill and his hair was fluffy, sticking up in all directions.

“Trev?”

You couldn’t stop the confused frown from pulling at your features, unsure of what he was chasing you down for. He signaled for you to wait a second, causing a giggle to fall from your lips without your meaning to.

“What are you doing, Trev?” you smiled lightly, trying to ignore the heartache that was still attempting to surface. It helped that Trevor looked adorable as he remained bent over gasping for breath. “Come on, aren’t you supposed to be an athlete?” you couldn’t help but tease him.

His lips tugged up into a sarcastic grin in response, a half-muttered ‘ha ha’ barely audible before he straightened up. As soon as he did it was like all lightheartedness left him, leaving him fidgeting slightly and avoiding eye contact.

“You just got here, you’re leaving already?”

Lips parting in surprise, you were taken aback. You should’ve been expecting that to be what he wanted, but it just seemed like there was something more to it. Clearing your throat, you shifted your weight and looked away. “Yea, I’m just not feeling too good,” you assured him, throwing in a weak smile for extra measure.

“Oh,” he mumbled, bobbing his head. He opened his mouth as though going to talk before shutting it, instead pulling his bottom lip into his mouth. Silence lapsed between the two of you, the only sound being the distant music coming from the house.

It lasted a minute longer before you broke it, just wanting to go home and get changed. “Seriously, Trev. What is it?” You kept your voice soft, not having any energy left. You were just completely and utterly mentally drained.

Panic flitted across his face for a moment. He coughed a bit before taking a deep breath.

“Okay, look,” he started, a hand moving up before stopped it, “I was gonna do this later, but since you’re leaving and all I’ll just get it over with now.”

“That sounds promising,” you cut in, unable to help the dry remark.

Trevor scoffed under his breath, rolling his eyes. The two of you shared a smile which seemed to fuel him on as he continued.

“I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, but I just haven’t been able to work up the nerve I guess.” He stopped again, features scrunched up as he hurried on. “Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’ve liked you for a long time and I wanted to know if you maybe wanted to go out with me sometime?”

Oh.

Oh.

Trevor was asking you out. On a date. Right now. When you said you wanted to move on, you didn’t think like this.

Mouth gaping, your mind reeled. You couldn’t say yes, could you? You were just pining over Jack less than ten minutes ago and now?

Except watching Trevor fidget nervously, anxiously watching you for a response, made you pause. Maybe this was what you needed to help you get over Jack. Really, if Jack was never in the picture in the first place you could actually see yourself liking Trevor. The two of you fit well together, felt comfortable with each other, and most importantly he actually liked you. You couldn’t let him down like that.

Before you fully realized what you were doing, you were already whispering, “Yea. I’d like that.”

It took a second for him to realize what you had said, but when he did you knew you had done the right thing. The beaming smile that spread across his face matched the relief shining in his eyes.

“Yea?” he asked, unbelieving. Letting out a small laugh, you nodded in response. “Great,” he breathed out, “That’s great. I’ll text you?”

Nodding once more, you began backing up. “I’ll be waiting for it.”

And for the first time since you could remember, you thought that maybe it wasn’t Jack after all.

[elejah-wonderland]

Game Of Love/4

Fanfiction

Part 4

Joel Goran x reader

Ft. Klaroline and other TVD/TO characters, as well as Saving Hope characters. 

a/n: this is, as my friend @rissyrapp20 said - Joel Goran meets the Mystic Falls/NOLA gang. But it is totally AU- Klaus Mikaelson is a surgeon, and so Y/N and Caroline Forbes. 

There is a lot of drama- quite a lot going on. LOL. Also, this is an extra long part. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks so much for reading and liking, and reblogging. Luv ya, guys. xoxo

Masterlist 

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @arivalappears @cassienoble2000 @captainshurley @elejahforever @hides2000 @goddessofthunder112

____

"So, he kissed you on the cheek??"- Caroline said astonished-"in front of everyone? Just like that?"

"Well, yeah. Just like that."- Y/N replied.

"Well, you and him are now No.1 on the Hospital’s gossip list. They saw you take him by the hand the other night, and now he kissed you on the cheek- Jo has already painted you black. With Alex, especially."

"And - nothing is going on with me and him."- Y/N said sighing and added-"yeah, I heard about Jo telling Alex about me and Kai, probably about Stefan as well. And Alex kind of talked to me about - well, it was more like telling me that he would break my heart, because Joel doesn't know how to love."

"Right."- Caroline slipped.

"I tried to find him later. But he left for New Zealand because he had some vacation time."- Y/N said.

"So, what now? I mean- are you in a friend zone now? What?"

"It can't be anything. He is emotionally wrecked."- Y/N said-"and I - can't get into anything with him till he - HUH- this was doomed from the beginning. I just had a one night stand with him- and now-"

"Now, you are in love with him."- Caroline stated.

"And now I am in love with him!"- Y/N said huffing and puffing. She then turned the tables on her sister and said-"if we are no1 on gossip list, you and Klaus are no2."

"I know."- Caroline said and continued-"last night, Rayna and I met Rebekah in Rousseau's. She called me a slutty bitch and a homewrecker. And I called her the same back, bringing Damon up. Sorry. I just- couldn't control myself. She so ticks me off."

"I know. She is always so high and mighty."- Y/N said-"but- what is it really now with you and Klaus?"

Caroline sighed a little now flashing back at her and Klaus' little  after-birthday-party hook up in the Grill's storage room.

Flashback

Straightening her dress now, Caroline looked at Klaus, who zipped his jeans and put his T-shirt back on. He looked back at her with a sweet smirk on.

"Oh, we have to stop this."- Caroline said ruffling her hair.

"Why?"- Klaus now neared her again, and placed a sweet little kiss, brushing his hands through her hair, adding-"you are so beautiful and sexy."

Caroline gulped now trying to keep her head straight-

"Because of you- and you being married and I just- don't want this to be about sex. And I get that you are getting out of something long-term and - I don't want to push you into anything. There is work and your ex-wife, and I just- I am drawing the line here!"

Before Klaus could say anything, Caroline snaked out of his arms and walked out.

"Have you talked to him afterwards?"- Y/N asked.

"Yeah."- Caroline replied- now retelling her friend  the  conversation she and the Attending had at a break in the hospital the following day-

Flashback

Klaus found Caroline sitting  in the little atrium of the hospital.

"May I?"- Klaus asked if he could sit at the bench next to her.

"Sure."- Caroline said shortly.

"About yesterday"- Klaus started-

"Hey- we don't have to."

"Yes, but still- I need to say this though. I want you to know that  I really think that you are so beautiful, sexy and smart. I hope I didn't make you feel like I used you. It was never my intention"

"You didn't."- she cut in-" I had fun, too. It's ok, really."

Klaus looked down and then at her-

"I am really sorry can't give you more."

"As I said -it's ok. I have patients to see."

Caroline then got up and walked away.

"He can't give me more, which I totally understand, and- it's not like we've been together or something.  How could I be so head over heels, and I've just known him like five minutes."- Caroline sighed 

"It happens. Comes out of nowhere and just kicks you right in the heart."- Y/N said, thinking of Joel.

¤

At the same time 

At  Rousseau's

Klaus was out with a newly made friends, Vincent Griffith and Alaric Saltzman.

Oliver Queen now walked in, and Alaric shouted a warm greeting at his friend from Med school.

"Hey, you made it!!"- both men now gave each other a welcoming pat on the shoulder.

 "Gentleman, let me introduce my buddy- Dr Oliver Queen."- Alaric said-”This is Klaus Mikaelson and Vince, I told you about him.”

"You are replacing Alex, when she goes for maternity leave? But that's like months away?"- Vincent said as he shook Oliver’s hand.

"Yes."- Oliver said-"but the Fells wanted me to start now. And I had nothing better to do with my life."

"You are telling me New York got really boring?"- Klaus then said taking a swag of beer.

"A change of scenery is always good."- Oliver replied.

Klaus smirked a little and then said-"You are right there."

"This Hospital is the Top Gun in the medical teaching hospitals, and I really wanted to see if you are really the best of the best. And teach the best of the best."- Oliver then said.

They got him a beer now and Klaus, together with Vincent said-

"Welcome."

¤¤��¤

In the Mikaelson Mansion

Esther entered the study, where Mikael already waited for her.

"What is it?"- Esther asked coldly.

"I have decided that I will tell him the truth."

"Now, after alk this time?"- Esther said-"Why?"

"Because- his girlfriend is pregnant, and I want my grandchild to be part of this family. I can't bear it - not to know him or her- I just- it is not right."- Mikael said.

"Right?"- Esther said taking a moment's thought-"Mary decided that she was not going to tell him, and we all agreed that will keep it that way."

"But that- all of that doesn't matter anymore, does it? Mary is gone. And Joel is a grown man now. He - will understand. We all made mistakes. He, himself has done plenty."

"Yes, we've all made mistakes, and look how many lives got messed up over it."- Esther reminded Mikael of the consequences his and Mary's affair had on their lives.

"I know. I regret it deeply. And I wish, I could turn back time, but I can't. But let's make it right somehow."- Mikael said.

"How can we make it right after so many years. It could be much worse. Did she ever tell her husband about Joel not being his son?"

"No. As far as I know."- Mikael said.

"There you go. That man raised him as his own, and now you would take the only family his got away from him."- Esther then said.

"What are you talking about? The man left them when he was 7 and went to New Zealand. And if Mary hadn't died, Joel would never really know him - "

"You kept on seeing one another afterwards, didn't you?"- Esther now said angered.

"I have not."- Mikaels said.

"I don't believe you."- Esther shot at her husband.

"I swear on our children's lives!"- Mikael then said.

"Don't you dare use them."

"I swear, Esther."-Mikael insisted.

"Whatever."- Esther said-"I - you need to know that this will bring shock waves throughout the family. Just think about it."

Esther then left the study. Mikael was left thinking about all, especially the past.

Flashback

38 years ago

"I am pregnant."- Mary Goran said to Mikael as she met him in the Grill, a couple of months after she broke it off with him.

Mikael smiled taking hold of the woman's hand warmly- "Oh, this is so- wonderful."

"Is it?"- Mary said-"I don't know. I- don't know what to do."

"I love you, Mary. And I am ready to do anything. "

"How can you say this? You have a two- year old son. Your family needs you. This not right, whatever we feel. It just is not. I don't know why I have even called you."

"Because you love me, and I love you. And, I know that I have a young family and- oh, I wish I have met you before."

"I wish so many things- and- oh, I am sorry that I- came here."

Mary now started crying. She was completely overwhelmed with the situation.

"We will figure something out."- Mikael tried to comfort her.

Mary abruptly pulled herself together, and walked out of the diner.

Mikael was an emotional wreck after having found out about Mary being pregnant with his child. And he had a family, a wife, he had married, so two families could become even bigger. His father-in-law, who was Virginia stat senator at the time, made sure that Mary stayed with her husband, and Mikael never divorced Esther.

¤¤¤

A few days later

Y/N's day started in the ER, and a colleague now confronting her about the Joel gossip.

"There was a bet on which intern Joel will sleep with first."

Y/N looked at her fellow intern furiously-

"What??? This is disgusting!"

"I know. It's totally lame."- Sam said.

"Who was it?"- Y/N now demanded to know.

"Y/N, I know it is completely out of order. But-"

"I want to know."- Y/N was not letting it go.

"I didn't want to stir shit."- Sam tried to calm Y/N down.

"Tell me!"- Y/N sifted anger making her chestnut eyes darken.

"Brad."- Sam now said.

"Right."- Y/N said and they both now went to take care of the patients, but as she had a break, Y/N went to find the young resident. And confronted him about it in front of the whole cafeteria.

She got some dollar bills out and said-

"How much is a bet it for an ass of the year?

The young resident looked at her astonished but it was clear that she had found out about the bet on Joel and the female interns. He started muttering something but Y/N just continued-

"Joel is flawed on so many levels, yes. He made huge mistakes.But unlike you, he is a good and warm person, and you are a sorry excuse for a human being!"

The whole cafeteria now applauded her. She now turned around and walked out of the place. 

🎃 That night, at home, as she went through a few case studies, Y/N made herself some cocoa and sat down on the bay window. Now there was again this one person on her mind, wondering how he was doing. No matter how much she tried not to feel anything more than just friendship towards Joel, her heart didn’t seem to want to listen to her. She looked out in the night, drawing a deep breath and then went back to the case studied.

A few days later

Caroline was saying bye to Y/N,  as she pulled a night shift and Elena just got in the hospital and already had her hands full with a presentation she was given to work on. And as she was waving Caroline off, her eyes now caught a smiling Rock Star of Orthopaedics. 

"Hey"- Joel greeted Elena and Caroline as he came up to them.

Caroline greeted him back and excused herself and left them to catch up.

"Hey"- Y/N said with a little mental gulp-"so, how was New Zealand?"

"Good. Actually really good."- Joel said-"sorry- I just left. After I talked to the Chief of staff, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I needed to - just go. Change the scenery, you know, after everything that -"

"Yeah, I do."- Y/N said and then there was a moment when they both went quiet and Y/N now tried to find to ask something more, and as she wanted to ask how his father was, Joel got a small box out of his bag handing it clumsily to her saying-

"Here. A happy belated - something."

"Oh"- Y/N exclaimed surprised. She opened it and it was a very unusual pendant she had seen.

"This is koru. It's Maori.”-Joel explained clumsily-”Symbolizes awakening, fresh beginnings, rebirth. It's kind of what you did for me the other night. And so I- well- "

Y/N looked at him with a small smile curling up on her lips and slipped quite an emotional thank you. Now the kiss on the cheek made sense. It was a thank you. He could see that she was really moved by the gift.

"In the last couple of days- and - well already on the plane-  I had so much time to think. About everything."- Joel now said-"and - well- "- he was suddenly terribly nervous again. He smiled somewhat nervously and said -"Later? Drink? Rousseau's?"

"Yes. See you there."- Y/N said.

"Ok."- Joel said. 

Y/N looked at the pendant and her heart and head were now more than ever in total confusion, but Joel's wasn't far behind either. He was nervous. He had never been nervous before. Something happened. Could he be in love with her? He just knew that she didn't leave his mind, all the time he was away. 

“Around 8?”- Y/N said .

“Yeah.”- Joel said and now gestured towards the elevator.

Y/N nodded and both then went to whatever was next on the agenda for the day.

¤

As Y/N called Caroline later to tell her that she kind of has this non-date thing, the blonde went now all in what-are-you-going-to-wear, what-will-do-with-your-hair, and Y/N answered simply that she had no plans to dress up.

“It’s only a drink. There is nothing to it, really”

“Nothing? Are you serious? He bought you jewellery!”- Caroline said with a duh voice.

“It’s a thank you thing”- Y/N said-”for being there and listening to him- and that is all”

“Right - tell yourself that. Do what you want.Ok. I’m going back to sleep cuz that double shift killed me.”- Caroline said yawning and hung up.

Y/N went off to her locker, to change. As they never knew how long they would stay in the hospital, she always had a couple of T-shirts and sweaters ready, as well as a pair of jeans. Casual was her style since - well, always. Now, having changed, she put her boots on and leather jacket on. She didn’t bother about the hair at all. She simply undid the pun and combed it a bit. This was not really a date, and she was not Cinderella. Just an intern. And she was meeting a friend for a drink. 

Since, there was still more than an hour till Joel finished his shift, Y/N called Bonnie and met up with her. Since Caroline was not available to listen to her analysing every detail of her heart, Bonnie was her other bestie, who never minded being there for her. Bonnie had a lot to discuss as well, as the night of the birthday lip sync birthday thing, the chemist also went down the line as he friends and hooked up with Kol Mikaelson.

But she now let Y/N talk first.

"Is this a gift wrapped up as a thank you or am I imagining something more? Look, how beautiful it is."- Y/N showed her friend Joel's gift and the meaning behind it.

"I think a thank you and something more is wrapped in it."- Bonnie said.

"You think? I don't know why I am going mad here over it? I can't start anything with him."

"You think he wants to start something?"- Bonnie questioned.

"Knowing him, not really. And then it will be a kind of a rebound thing, although it is not really that."- Y/N said sighing a bit.

"You are overanalyzing everything. Which something you totally do, and then don't listen to your head."- Bonnie reminded Y/N of her past mistakes.

"Caroline said that I am doing again the same thing I did with Kai."- Y/N said.

"Believing that you can change him because you loved him?!"- Bonnie stated.

"Yeah. Huh- but it feels like- it isn't so- like - I didn't know."

"He needs to want to change and break away from his past behaviour."- Bonnie said.

"I think that this thing with this guy dying shook him to the ground."- Y/N said.

"This is some life changing moment."- Bonnie said.

"He said that he felt like he died, like something broke inside of him."- Y/N remembered her and Joel's conversation the night before he left for New Zealand.

"What about Alex and him? There is also the kid."- Bonnie reminded Y/N.

Y/N now told her friends that Alex had talked to her, as the surgeon had presumed that Joel and Y/N had already started something.

"Can things be even more complicated?"- Elena said-"You know what is mad actually? He might not want to be anything but friends, which I totally get. The last thing he needs is a new relationship. I need to let this go."

"Yeah, you need to let this go."- Bonnie said.

Elena nodded, and her heart tried so hard to dismiss the idea that Joel may not have feelings for her.

"But you won't be able to let this go?"- Bonnie then said as she saw her friend play with the pendant all huffed up.

"Why does it have to be so complicated? I always fall for the wrong guy!"

"What you need to do is actually find out how he feels. And if he doesn't feel like you feel, or anything remotely, then you will have to let this go."- Bonnie said and with that their conversation ended as Joel now walked in the bar.

Bonnie, who was usually a very subtle person, this time did the opposite. As Joel got to the table they were sitting at, she greeted him and then made an excuse that she had to go.

"I hope it is not because of me."- Joel said.

"No. She was like leaving the last half hour, but I just kept her talking about - the upcoming charity thing she is busy with."- Y/N fibbed a little.

"Right. You want the same?"- he now asked about the drink.

"I am fine. I am kind of hungry, one more cocktail would completely knock me out."

"Well, do you want to go and grab something? I am kind of hungry, too."- Joel said.

"Yeah- cuz it’s been a long day. You know Sophie's Food Heaven?"- Y/N asked.

"Of course."- Joel said-"comfort food 100%. Whenever I eat there, I have to go to the gym straight after."

"So true. Caroline and I went there the other day and we were so full that we thought we wouldn't need to eat the next two days."- Y/N said grabbing her bag now-"so you go there a lot?"

"It's a place I used to go with my mom, especially when she would do long shifts at the hospital."- Joel said.

"Hospital?"- Y/N was puzzled.

"Didn't I tell you that she was a nurse?"

"No. But it makes perfect sense. Did she meet your dad there?"- Y/N asked.

"No. They met at the Whitmore Medical School. They both were teaching there at the time. He was working at the Charlottesville Memorial."- Joel explained and then said-"Your car? My car?"

"Ahm- I'll go with mine. Meet you there."- Y/N said.

"Ok."- Joel said and then went to his car.

¤

Elsewhere

Mikaelson Mansion

Klaus went to his parent's house to meet up with Camille, to try and talk to her about the divorce settlement.

"I don't want a divorce. I stopped the proceedings."- Camille said-"I want us to go to marriage counseling. I want to save our marriage."

Klaus shook with his head in negation.

"Why?"- she continued-"Why would you not try? We loved each other. We - both made a mistake. We just fell in a rut and - then things happened. You slept with her and then I slept with Marcel, just to get back at you. But I didn't stop loving you. We can find the way out of this."

"Yes. There is a way out of this and -"- Klaus stopped there for a second looking at his wife. She was a dear, sweet woman. Loving. And he hated hurting her. He hated the whole situation, but he had to now say it.

"I- don't love you anymore. I am so sorry- but it is- the truth. I should have told you that already in New Orleans, and save you from all this -"

Before he could finish the sentence, Camille slapped him.

Whether the slap was justified or not, Camille was at the end with her nerves and the last words provocated her now shouting at him to get out.

Klaus made a little sigh and walked out of the room, stumbling on his sister Freya as he walked down the long corridor.

"Klaus?"- Freya ran after her brother.

He ignored her and now, as he got out of the Mansion got into his car, put his foot on the accelerator, driving off like a lightning.

😍

In Sophie's Food Heaven Diner

Sophie Deveraux, who knew Joel since he was a kid, watched Joel and Y/N for a little while as they were chatting away quite happy and relaxed. Very rarely did she see him with a woman there. The waiter got the desert and as he walked to their table, Sophie now went with him.

"Hi. I hope the steak was good."- Sophie said.

"Perfect."- Joel said.

"Absolutely great."- Y/N complimented the Chef.

"She is the Chef/owner. Sophie Deveraux."- Joel said introducing her to Y/N.

"Nice to meet you."- Y/N said.

"Nice to meet you, too."- Sophie said-"so good to finally meet Joel's girlfriend."

"I am- we are not-"- Y/N said.

Joel was like what the heck Soph. And knowing how straight forward she was she now said-

"You could have fooled me. This dinner is on the house. Enjoy."

"What?"- Y/Na was beyond surprised.

"We go way back."- Joel said and explained that he knew Sophie when they were kids- and now told Y/N something that kind of made him somewhat blush-

"She was the first girl I kissed and - yeah. And she just has this thing- I am allowed to  comment."

"And a free meal."- Y/N said-"so you are friends with a girl."

"Ha?"- Joel looked at Y/N a bit gone out.

"Ah, sorry. It was just- ok, I heard you say that you don't believe that man and women can be friends.Sorry."

"Well, it is something I said- and something- I so regret saying - I am really pathetic, aren’t I? So lame. I've said and done so many stupid things. "

"Hey. I didn't want to make you feel bad."

"You didn't."- Joel said-"I went and talked to a friend of mine, also from my childhood. She is Maori. She is a doctor, but a spiritual woman too. We talked about stuff and - you know- Selina's husband -and everything that had happened recently "

"Joel-”- Y/N said in a dear manner.

"I am not religious. I am a surgeon, and I know how the body works. She talked about the soul and that I have to connect with it again. Get to my wairua. She said also that I don't believe in love. That I don't know how to be loved, and give love, and that I-  But that I will know it only then when I find my soul. Huh. Here we are with that stuff - again."- Joel now sighed-”I so didn’t want this evening to be like a therapy session.”

"It's ok. It’ s good to talk ”- Y/N reassured the dishy surgeon.

"Thank you, but I - don't want to think that I am - using you as a shoulder to- cry on. Because this is the last thing that I want."

"It's ok to talk. You are not weak if you have to talk about heavy stuff. It's human."- Y/N said.

Joel smiled a little now and added- "Did someone ever tell you that you have that kind of bold bossy thing - in your eyes-"

"Yeah."- Y/N said chuckling a bit-"since I was born. Although Caroline is far bossier and more ambitious. She was twice elected as the President of the class."

“Oh, I can imagine. They way she is, soon she will take over as Chief of staff before she gets to be Resident.”- Joel said remembering the way Caroline sorted a situation out among her fellow interns and Residents.

“Well, you would not believe that once upon a time she was a really shy and insecure girl”

“I can’t see that.”- Joel said and now took a scoop of the apple pie and ice- cream.

The conversation now swayed to the her and Caroline’s High School days and all their shenanigans. 

A little later, as they got out of the Diner, with Joel finally convincing Sophie to let him pay the bill, they each stood for a second before they got into their respective cars-

"This was like- one of the best - dinner thing I had in a long time."- Joel said.

"Good. Next time it is on me."- Y/N said-"Or maybe we should let Sophie buy us a meal."- she referred to the silly negotiations he and Sophie had a few minutes ago.

"Yeah. Why the hell not. Then we will get all of the menu."

"Ok. Thanks for this- food."- Y/N said with a tiny smile curling up on her lips. 

"You’re welcome."- Joel said.

And then there was awkwardness. And to cut it, Y/N now said- "Tomorrow"

"Yeah, tomorrow."

Y/N nodded a little with a smile and went into her car.

Joel got into his car and took a moment, watching her drive off. He smiled a little as his emotions danced up the way they had never done before. And he so wanted to go after her and tell her that she freed his soul. How? When? He could not pinpoint it. Like it mattered. Everything with her was so effortless and made him feel good and all so fuzzy inside.  He now started the engine and .

A little later, he walked to her apartment and rang the bell.

Y/N opened the door and was surprised to see him there.

"Ahm, hey- did you forget something?"

"Yes, kind of- hm"- Joel smiled nervoulsy-"I forgot- well, to tell you that- tonight was kind of amazing- and - God- this is- I - just-"

His heart wanted to actually say this-”Before all I heard was silence,Life was stringing me along, Then you came and you cut me loose, And now  I'm dancin' on to your heartbeat, And when you're gone, I feel incomplete,So if you want the truth-I just wanna be part of your symphony”

"What?"- Y/N felt like her heart was going to burst as all her predictions and all she had felt now were coming to light.

Joel moved clumsily with his head aside and now said-"I think that I-m in love with you."

Y/N now smiled at him and replied-

"I think that I - am, too."

Joel now was kind of stunned, looking at her seriousl, emotions flying high,  and slipped a little-

"You are?"

Y/N nodded.

He now entered the apartment and kissed her.

Caroline now stormed out of her room and cut in the middle of the Y/N and Joel’s kiss saying-

"Klaus - has been in a car accident. It's not good."

“What? How? When?”- both Joel and Y/N now looked at Caroline, who looked for her car keys.

Joel’s pager now went off, and then said to Y/N and Caroline-

“I’ll drive”

Caroline nodded and all three of them rushed to the hospital.

 __________

[svetlanabelikova]

Journaling IV

content warning:

bodily functions 

weight talk

time for another update:

i had my super fun X-ray on monday (9.29.19) morning. it was weird. i stood on a weird platform, in a surgical gown, and had 3 dudes stand around and tell me weird ways to twist and bend my body so they could take the best pictures of my insides all while having to drink poison that had the consistency of chalk dissolved in white glue. it was wild. the assistant was nice. he stood around with me and we just talked a bit. he was awkward,,, i was awkward. it was both better and worse than the CT scan i got last year. worse by which, back then i just laid on a rolling table with a warm blanket on me and a pillow under my knees. i was alone in the room and the technician just told me what to do through a speaker system from the next room, or the machine talked to me through a little robot face on a screen whereas this was 3 strange men and i felt naked in that stupid surgical gown. i was glad i decided to wear leggings and they let me keep them on but still. i had to take off my bra (even tho it is a sports bra but whatever) and all my earrings, which i never take out, as well as the ring i’ve worn every second for the last like, 10 years. this ring means a lot to me in what it is, what it represents and what it carries so that didn’t help.  it was better in that i didn’t have to drink as much poison as last time. for the CT scan, they were looking more at my lower GI, so i had to drink 2 bottles worth of barium: 1 bottle 1 hour before my appointment, half a bottle half an hour before and the last half i had to chug right before i went in. they were trying to map out my entire GI system whereas this was watching my upper GI work in real time.  first i had to stand up and drink the thick barium mixture (and also basically medical grade Alke-seltzer to blow me up like a balloon animal-- and then i was told i had to just old my burps in or it would ruin the pictures so that was cool), which as i mentioned, was not great. i was never the kid in class that ate glue (i liked to pour it on my hand, let it dry then pretend to be shedding like a snake), but if i had to liken it to something, that would be it. it was so heavy in the cup, it was wild. but it wasn’t smooth like glue, it was gritty. there was no flavor to it other than you know, chemical-y. i had to gather a mouthful, fill my cheeks like a little gerbil, wait for the machine to get into place and the doctor to trigger the program by which he would say “ok swallow” and the machine would track the barium down my esophagus. i did that a couple times then they casually said “ok, turn around and look at the table behind you.” which i did, it was a lovely table. “now we are going to tip the table back and you will be laying on your stomach.” excuseth me?! they wouldn’t even let me get off the table while it tranformer-transformed into a bed, no i just had to ride that shit like it was a rodeo. it was upsetting, my vertigo went absolutely batshit and the fact that by this point, my stomach went ‘well hang on.... you haven’t given me anything in about 11 hours so i thought this was food but this is poison anD YOU ARE ON A ROLLERCOASTER?!’ and decided the time to rebel was at hand. i was so close to barfing, im not kidding. the assistant was handing me a pillow and he could see my face lose color as i nervously began to giggle and he grabbed the little barf bag. i was so close to forcing this assistant to have to re-sterilize this stupid table/bed but i kept it together and also i had literally nothing in my stomach other than poison so that was probably helpful. the last thing i ate was a couple spoonfuls of tuna out of the can and a hardboiled egg at like 2pm the day before.  next we come to a super fun moment which i will gloss over because it was the crowning weird moment of the day: while laying on my stomach and drinking from a cup of poison, i had to swallow a mouthful of said poison, hold my breath and then bare down, so they could look for hernias. i wish not to elaborate further i just would like to thank my personal goddess that i didn’t let anything slip out either end. after that, i was pretty much done. the bed *transformer noise* returned to an upright platform and the machine coffin lid was removed so i could get down. i all but ran back to the dressing room and got my jewelry and clothing back on. we had to drive home an hour and the entire time i was covered in a sheen of cold sweats, gripping my barf bag, but was fine. later than night i was less so. yesterday (10.2.19) i met again with rupinder. she went over all 4 tests i went through over the past 2 weeks: the blood tests- were all good. my vitamins levels are great, my iron is good, my blood sugars wonderful. the only things of note were as i mentioned, my b1 levels were high but it was b/c i take biotin vitamins and my white blood cells count was flagged as high, but i let her know that i happened to get sick with a headcold literally the day after i got my blood drawn. also my blood sugars showed that i am not pre-diabetic which is great. i am not even pre- pre-diabetic yet, just on the cusp which is great for someone with a family history and who has never really bothered with watching my sugar intake. urine & stool test- good. my body is absorbing vitamins and minerals just the way that it should and also i am not on any drugs *ok hand emoji* floroscopy test-  i have a very small hital hernia, but it is so small and has been of so little impact i a) have not noticed it at all and b) it has basically done no real damage yet. everything else looks great. i have some indication of acid reflux but it is either old scars or so mild it is happening and i don’t notice it. i do have to share my favorite line from the doctor’s notes from the floroscopy though:  "The visualized stomach, duodenum and proximal small bowel are grossly unremarkable." that is possibly the meanest thing a doctor has ever said to me: grossly unremarkable. he couldn’t have just said ‘normal’ or ‘nothing of note’, no he had to come from my whole life about my disgustingly boring bowels.  anyways, we talked about that for a bit and then did some math. during our first meeting she said she wanted me to lose 50lbs before surgery, but she recalculated along with all the new information from all these tests and gave me a new weight goal. rather than getting to 300lbs even , she has raise it to 315lbs. so from the original 50 lbs i needed to lose, now it is only like 29lbs. she cut it nearly in half and also told me that i will not have to wait the full 7 months originally required by the program. basically, i have to just hit 315 lbs, make an appointment with her, she will bring in the surgeon once she verifies my weight and then we will set the surgery 6 weeks from that date. 6 weeks. that’s it. it has been 2 weeks since i first met her and i’ve already lost like 5 or 6lbs. i could be at my goal weight before or by thanksgiving and be set up to have surgery at the beginning of 2020. i know that is still 2 and 1/2 months out but, that is so much sooner than the original 7 months.  i have a few more things i have to do before then of course. i need to get an EKG to check my heart, make sure there is not arrhythmia or anything, and i need another x-ray of my chest and lungs, mostly to check in on that spot on my lung (which i saw on the floroscopy x-rays. it is actually pretty dark and right near my heart,,,, which is worrying and my anxiety will definitely remember this) in case i need a biopsy or anything. also i have to see a dietitian and a therapist. but i can take those hurdles a little at a time rather than speedrunning it like i have been for the last 2 weeks.  just need to keep on course, keep the faith that this is the right choice even if it is the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my fucking life, and keep my eyes on the prize.              

[natsuki-oz]

Can’t even ask me one bloody question? Suffer by doing all 100.

1. What’s your philosophy in life? Make the people you love happy and care for them.

2. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself? I’d like to get a little less possessive about people.

3. Are you religious or spiritual? None of them.

4. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert? A little bit of both.

5. Which parent are you closer to and why? I was closer to my mother. Why? Because she loved me.

6. What was the best phase in your life? The bandtimes.

7. What was the worst phase in your life? Losing my mother.

8. Is what you’re doing now what you always wanted to do growing up? Not really but I grew up knowing there would be a time I would do it.

9. What makes you feel accomplished? Laying on the couch in the evening, looking at my happy son who cuddles against me and smile about life isn’t as bad as I sometimes think.

10. What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much? movie: Gran Tourino - Because I like how people care for each other. book: too many.

11. What is a relationship deal breaker for you? Cheating, lying, hurting my son in any way.

12. Are you more into looks or brains? Brains.

13. Would you ever take back someone who cheated? Maybe. But rather no.

14. How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner? There are passwords that are too secret but it would be okay to share my password for the private phone and my private notebook. And the code to my apartment.

15. When do you think a person is ready for marriage? When they have been with their partner for a longer time or have gone through a tough time together and both trust each other.

16. What kind of parent do you think you will be? I am a loving father, wanting the best for my child. Sometimes a little bit too careful about him.

17. What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner? Wouldn’t be a problem since they’re both not here anymore. I’d have a problem with it if my mother wouldn’t like the person..

18. Who is that one person you can talk to about just anything? Maki, the girl who is my best friend since 5 years by now.

19. Do you usually stay friends with your exes? Usually not but I do have friends that are my exes.

20. Have you ever lost someone close to you? Yes.

21. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up? It’s up to why I am in a bad mood.

22. What’s an ideal weekend for you? There are different types of an ideal weekend.

23. What do you think of best friends of the opposite sex? Not a problem?

24. Do you judge a book by its cover? Yes but I like to be convinced of their true self by talking.

25. Are you confrontational? Usually not.

26. When was the last time you broke someone’s heart? Me? Never I think.

27. Would you relocate for love? I would but I am not able to.

28. Did you ever write a journal? No.

29. What are you most thankful for? My son and the times I’ve had with my band.

30. Do you believe in second chances? Yes. But mostly they don’t work out.

31. What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you? That I am just someone to be fucked by.

32. What is your idea of a perfect vacation? No matter where, no matter what, just having fun together with the person I go on vacation with.

33. What did your past relationship teach you? That real love exists even if you don’t really fit together.

34. What are your thoughts on online dating or tinder? People that just want to fuck.

35. What’s on your bucket list this year? I don’t have one.

36. When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush? Oh, I can’t tell here.

37. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done and would you do it again? I can’t remember right now to be honest. But I guess so because I’m still alive even if I did it.

38. If a genie granted you 3 wishes right now, what would you wish for? All time safety for my son, finding love, no war.

39. What’s your biggest regret in life? Already answered.

40. What do you think about when you’re by yourself? That’s too private.

41. Does your job make you happy? Already answered.

42. What did you want to be when you were younger? Already answered at question 99.

43. Why did your last relationship end? ...we just had different plans of life.

45. What’s been your biggest mistake so far in life and what did you learn from it? Too private.

46. Where is your favorite place in the entire world to go? My bed.

47. What are your top five favorite movies? - GranTourino - The 5th wave - Zootopia - Secrets in the Hot Spring - Black Mirror series.

48. What are some of your favorite songs? OZ - Rain Delay, CELL - Jikogenkyu Paradox Royz - Higanbana, Portion Boys - Niin Kuin Ennenin

49. What qualities do you admire about your parents? Already answered.

50. How would you describe your best friend? Pure soul, beautiful woman.

51. What’s your favorite hobby to do alone? Singing.

52. What’s something you can’t go a day without doing? Taking a shower.

53. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done lately? I’m always spontaneous so I can’t really tell.

54. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love? Hahaha. That’s a secret.

55. What’s your biggest pet peeve? People in advertising in TV that brush their teeth without toothpaste.

56. Why do you think you’re still single? Because I’m an idiot, maybe too pervy, maybe too caring, too tall, too old, too weird, too boring, too dangerous, ....

57. What accomplishment are you most proud of? Running the family business well.

58. What is one dream you have yet to accomplish? Raising my son to be a good man, finding someone to love and marry.

59. What is your greatest fear? Losing my son and my friends.

60. What are three things you value most about a person? Honesty, stupid jokes, caring for other people

61. Who are five people you are closest with? Maki, Kizasi, Takashi, Hiro, Mitsuki

62. What is the greatest struggle you’ve overcome? Talking normally to people

63. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? New Zealand

64. What’s the most exciting thing that’s happened this past year? Nothing special happened this year I think.

65. What’s your favorite beer? All Sapporo kinds.

66. What’s one thing that bothers you most about the world today? People fighting too much about nonsense

67. Who are you closer with your mom or your dad? Mother.

68. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? Didn’t I answer this already? Being less possessive about people I like.

69. If you could change one thing about the world what would it be? No war.

70. Who was your favorite teacher and why? I just had one and he was ok.

71. What sport did you fall in love with? I like most kinds of sports but bedsports are the best, haha.

72. What is the weirdest thing about you? I cook and bake very well.

73. What was your longest relationship? My last one which lasted 2 years.

74. What would your best friend say is your best quality? Having a weird humour, caring for them.

75. Who is your favorite historical figure? I don’t have one because I haven’t met any of them.

76. What made you choose the college you went to? I didn’t choose it.

77. If you could tell your former self one thing right now what would it be? Never give up fighting.

78. What food could you not live without? Udon.

79. Dogs or Cats? Both.

80. What’s closest you’ve ever come to being arrested? Hahahaha.

81. What was your best birthday? The birthday I spent with Aggy.

82. What’s one thing you wish you knew how to do? Flirting.

83. Where’s one place you’d like to go that you haven’t been? New Zealand.

84. What was the last book you read? And when? Sleeping beauties by Stephen King, a year ago.

85. Where do you usually get your news? TV, newspapers.

86. What are some of your own personal goals in the next 5 years? Same as now.

87. What would you consider your greatest accomplishment so far? Raised my son well.

88. If you could get away with anything that you do? Everything that I am doing right now.

89. Who is your greatest hero? My mother.

90. What’s the greatest risk you’ve ever taken? My life to safe someone’s.

91. Why are we here? Because our spaceships crashed down to this world.

92. If heaven is real and you died tomorrow, would you get in? Not really.

93. Do you believe in fate? Yes

94. How do you think people see you? As an arrogant, pervy rich guy with a big D.

95. If you had the ability to erase something that you did in the past, what would it be? Saving my mother.

96. What song makes you unconditionally happy? Don’t stop me now by Queen

97. If you could have anybody else’s life, who’s would you take? I haven’t thought about this until now.

98. What fictional character do you most relate to? I don’t know..? (Maybe Jiwon Ahn from BJ Alex, lol. With a little bit of Myung-Dae.)

99. If I asked you at age 5 what you wanted to be when you grew up, what would you say? Already done!

100. What is your biggest irrational fear? Already done!

[zandali-dominion]

Studying the Shrooms

(Written by the wonderful Al’kazar!)

Tap tap tap. One two three, one two three. Tap tap tap. Al’kazar continued to tap his temple to the same short rhythim which his index finger, his short claw starting to wear a little welt into his skin that he hadn’t yet noticed. He pushed his long locs away from his face once again, stretching his back as he stood up straight for a few moments. All around him were various tools, vials, sections of bioluminescent mushroom, his mask and gloves cast aside so he could get a better feel for his work. He had set up a small tent and work station in the ancient and crumbling ruins of the ogre ‘race track’. He would have preferred to work in Fon’Watha, but the mushrooms seemed to lose luster the longer they had been taken from the source. And the track, along with the surrounding coastline, had the densest population of these strange mushrooms.

He pulled his mortar and pestle closer to himself, a hand-sized spider making itself known once its cover was taken. Al’kazar smiled kindly to the little arachnid, before returning to work. He dropped some shroom cuttings into the mortar and began to grind it into a wet paste, noting how turning into a pulp hadn’t diminished the glow. He paused and made a few notes in his journal, which already was several pages in on his notes. He flipped through them, skimming what he had written already.

“The mushrooms glow with an eerie light, shifting between blues, to greens, to yellows depending on how one looks at them, and the time of day. While large and firm enough to be sat on, they have enough give to feel like a cushion. The texture is supple, though larger mushrooms begin to grow ridges and lumps, likely due to age.

Spores often float from the mushrooms, which are irritating to both the eyes and nose, and explain how they seem to propagate. Though they seem to prefer the moisture filled, more humid and marshy-like environment of the shore, as the size and number of the luminescent mushrooms decreases as they reach further inland.

The mushrooms keep their glow for a limited time after being cut, but will slowly begin to lose their luster after an hour has passed until they go completely dim. The glow remains just as bright when mashed into a paste, making me wonder if the possibility to turn it into a paint is not so farfet--”

Al’kazar jerked his gaze from his journal as he caught sight of his little spider friend perched precariously on his mortar. “Oi! Sha’dii! No!” He swiftly put his journal down and scooped up the spiderling, setting it a little further away. “Bah...I cannot lose you too, little one. I do not know still if this is safe to eat!” he scolded, but the spider simply ignored him, feeling no remorse for sampling the weird mush the hexxer had made. Al’kazar sighed and rubbed his face tiredly, looking back to the mushroom mash.

Dipped a finger into it, he rubbed the substance between his index and thumb, making notes with his free hand about its viscosity. “Sticky, but not like gum. Smooth too. Very strange.” He swiped his finger across his table, to test if it still kept its glow, and for how long. “Perhaps, if I add a preserving agent, I can make a glowing paint?” He grimaced, knowing he had to do a skin test as well. He took another dollop of mushroom paste and rubbed it under his left forearm, studying how his skin reacted, if it reacted. It tingled for a few moments, and the glow remained.

While he waited to see how long it would take for the glow to leave, Al’kazar busied himself with the study of how different herbs and alchemical agents reacted to the mushrooms. Overall, other plant life had little to no effect on the glowing shrooms. Other fungi were swiftly taken over, at a rate that honestly shocked the hexxer. So far it had neutral reactions to whatever flesh he exposed it to, be it raw meat, rotted carcases, or just his own skin. Though, he did note that it did like the carcases as food, but that was to be expected. It was a fucking mushroom.

Al’kazar tapped his pencil on his journal, crossing out the swear word due to it being rather uncouth for a ‘professional paper’. He had tried to feed the mushrooms to caged animals he had brought to the island, but none would eat it willingly, and he didn’t have the heart to force them to consume it. Likely, the pungent spores caused the animals to avoid eating it, he assumed. He was tempted to try eating it himself, but he really didn’t want to risk a self poisoning.

The witch doctor had to pause for a moment, when something glimmered in his peripheral. “Sha’dii?” He drew closer to his spiderling, tilting his head. Her abdomen has a faint glow to it from under her carapace, but that wasn’t what pulled his attention. He watched as the spiderling spun a web, the silk glimmering with a soft glow that looked rather lovely, if a little intimidating for the unprepared. “Oh, now that, that is interesting...Thank you, little Sha’dii.” He quickly guided her to continue building her web elsewhere, so he could study the current one more closely, and take samples. “Very interesting…” Once again, he was jotting things down in the journal.

Hours passed like this. Experimenting on the mushrooms, acids and alcohols. Testing the strength of the glowing spider silk, seeing how long it continued to glow. The mushroom mash seemed to retain it’s glow far longer than the cut pieces, making it a reasonable way mark things temporarily at the very least. His skin never did react to the mash either, though it was difficult to remove without rough scrubbing. He discovered that spider venom made it really last a long damn time, and proceeded to see if other venoms did the same. “Hmph, that may amuse our esteemed venomancer,” he mused softly.

Unfortunately, alcohols just made it liquidy without helping the glow to stick around longer. Perhaps a good way to wash it off, then? “Wish I’d known that before I rubbed my arm raw…” Al’kazar rubbed his face a bit, sighing. He was growing tired, and it was getting late in the day. Perhaps sleep was in order? Ohh, but he felt like he was on the cusp of something good...Maybe not big, but at least good. Some good news, something at least moderately useful...He wasn’t sure if it was that feeling of discovery spurring him on, or just his pride, at this point. He wanted so badly to just prove himself. “No, bad...This isn’t about you, mon,” he scolded himself.

Alk took a good long stretch, looking around himself. Sha’dii had gone a little nuts with the web spinning, until she had run out of the glowing silk. Now she almost seemed to pout, which tickled Al’kazar a little. The poor little spiderling seemed very amused by her glowing webs, at least. And he noted how she had more success now with catching bugs, due to the glow. “At least someone benefits, eh?” he murmured, returning to his notes. He had so far discovered that venom allowed the glowing mushroom mash to not only be spread more easily, but retain its glow almost indefinitely from what he could estimate. Acids were a no go, and the preserving substances he had bought from undead traders a long time ago were not good to use on living flesh, though they did also retain the glow relatively well. “Loa, now I know why blight glows...Eugh,” he mumbled, waving a hand in front of his nose as if to shoo away the odor.

Finally, he decided to revisit the herbs he had. He took them to his mortar and pestle, his brow furrowed in concentration as he mashed them together. Flower petals mostly. While he still had difficulty finding something non-toxic to preserve it with, he did want to know if he could change the color of the glow. And, admittedly, the answer came to him much more quickly, making him feel rather silly for not trying it sooner. “Hmph.” In fact, any pigment he added did change the color, making his desire to make a paint from the mushrooms even greater, since now he knew he could make several different shades and hues.

But with that ‘distraction’ out of the way, he was left with that puzzling predicament. He wanted to make a paint, which he had effectively done! But it had to be used carefully, for fear of being poisoned by it. He wanted something he could use bare handed, something he could paint on himself and others. Just the idea of it, the Dominion marked with glowing paints while on a hunt or just for a ceremony...It sent a chill up his spine! It made him grin like a maddened cat with maddened glee! But if only he could. Figure. Out. HOW. TO MAKE IT NOT TOXIC--

“Deep breaths, mon, you got this,” he muttered to himself, slowly putting down his journal instead of flinging it like he had almost done. Al’kazar went back to his scrolls and books, his stocks of potions and bottled hexxes. There had to be...be something. He looked over his powders, narrowing his eyes for moment…”Wait...I’m a loa damned fool!” Sha’dii watched with vague confusion as the hexxer frantically cleared off his workbench to set up a place to dry the mushroom bits and pastes. Luckily he still had a little blow torch he’d drunkenly bought off of a goblin earlier in the year, else this would take so, so much longer…

Click….Click, click...Clickclickclickcli--FWOOM!! Al’kazar nearly dropped the blowtorch once it sparked to life, and Sha’dii scuttled away to hide from the flames. He quickly set to work drying the mushrooms, making sure not to turn them into a pathetic charcoal in his eagerness. It took much longer for the paste to dry out, but he didn’t care. He may have found the solution! Finally! A stroke of genius that even the greatest inventors would envy! Well, maybe not that far, but at least he wasn’t sulking anymore.

The mushrooms grew brittle once dried, and he was careful to not spill them as he ground them up into a fine powder. The powder glittered, but no longer glowed, and was overall dull unless light struck it just right. But that didn’t worry him. He had a plan this time. He mixed the powder in with his paints now, and left them to soak in what sunlight was left in the day. He was patient now--He had to be, or else this wouldn’t work.

When the sun finally set completely, he used a little water to wet the paints, as they had dried a little from being left out in the open. And as he mixed them, he saw it. Faint at first, but the darker it got around him, the brighter it got. “By the loa, aaahahaahhaHA!” He cackled loudly as he danced around with his finished product, haphazardly slapping the glowing colors all over his arms and face. “I’ve done it!” He stomped a foot down, stretching a shadow to engulf the fires near him that lit the area, snuffing them out so he truly could be in the dark. There it was! He had done it! He had made glowing paints! Al’kazar was so gleeful he ran over to the nearest giant mushroom and gave the thing a giant hug. He backed away, chuckling at himself for his own silliness, sauntering back over to his work station, utterly covered in glowing paint and glowing spores. But he’d done it! There was a use. The toxic paints he’d made with the venom could be used to mark buildings, even as a colorful weapon. But the dried powder could be mixed into any safe face paint, turning it into a paint that glowed once the sun went down. And by the loa, he couldn’t be more proud of himself, even if it was slightly silly and niche in use. At least the mushrooms could be used.

Al’kazar yawned, and his stomach gave a great grumble, reminding him he hadn’t eaten in a long time. Absentmindedly, the hexxer grabbed a random, vaguely squishy object to gnaw on off his workbench, obviously believing it to be the dried meats he’d taken out hours ago but then forgot about. It wasn’t until he was a few chews in that he was very, very mistaken. “Bleugh!!” He spat out the mushroom on instinct, as he was still unsure if they were edible. Not like it tasted horrible, but it was weird to say the least. Alk heard a soft chittering, and glanced over to Sha’dii, who seemed to be laughing at him. “Oh shut up, you,” he grumbled. He walked over to his tent, and caught sight of himself in his dirty looking glass. Loa, he had really covered himself in glowing crap, mismatched colors all over his being. He stuck his tongue out at himself to express his distaste, only to receive a shock. The mushroom he’d mistakenly munched on had make his tongue glow now too.

“Loa help me, I’m an idiot.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Just had to suffer my sister at her worst but also think she won't talk to me or you now so Janis: 👍🤞 Jimmy: 🎻 Jimmy: Tah though baby 👍 Janis: 🖕 You have no idea dickhead Janis: owe me for how much she blames me 'cos of course Jimmy: we can plan our first date Jimmy: shout you drinks when it happens & work out how most to piss her off 'til then Janis: Decent Janis: have to make it last longer than a few days so she can eat shit/her words Janis: not the date, she ain't that demanding I hope Jimmy: 'ave til school starts, that should be long enough? Jimmy: what sorta dates are #goals for her & her mates Janis: Fine by me, probs a record for that lot honestly Janis: Eurgh, hold on Janis: lemme get into the headspace of a basic bitch Jimmy: & i can serve a record number of frappes to 'em in that time, less time all 'round when it ain't hols no more Jimmy: 👌😂 Jimmy: needs to be bearable for us too Janis: Wasn't betting on it with you for company, babe Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You love me now, remember Janis: Shh, the more you talk the harder this is Janis: I dunno, every cliche in the book probably, like can't actually just go down the pub, that is not a thotsquad approved #goal Jimmy: hang on, in my house we don't play charades or owt but I'll 'ave a go... 🖕 Jimmy: where did her last bae take your sister? Janis: How many syllables? Jimmy: as many as dickhead has Jimmy: flicks? then we don't have to talk Janis: Tap 'em out, come on Janis: it's two, just so you know Janis: Yeah, that'd work Janis: are you going to make me see something pretentious and artsy or what though Jimmy: you wouldn't like that, smart girl? Jimmy: gotta be a horror film, don't it? That's the cliche Janis: 'course, nothing like a heavy dose of fear to get a girl in the mood Janis: how could I forget Jimmy: food & drinks before or after? since you eat, unlike your sister Janis: After, means there was a chance we got off on the backrow 'fore tucking in to all the garlic or whatever posh food always has in it Jimmy: I can't be back too late though for real Janis: Alright Janis: post it after Janis: doubt our classmates are gonna be hanging 'bout any food place that ain't nandos or maccas so Jimmy: It's your turn on the 'gram, sweetheart Janis: Great 🙄 Jimmy: Fake more enthusiasm when you type out the #s Jimmy: if your sister's likely to be about I'll pick you up Jimmy: say when Janis: 'course Janis: when more's at stake than just your ego darling 😘 Janis: when do you need to be back for real Janis: it doesn't matter to me Jimmy: 9ish at latest Jimmy: but if anyone asks we were out 'til whenever Jimmy: my sister ain't gonna dob us in as liars Janis: Shit man, wha'd'ya do? Janis: 'course though Janis: mine happily would but she ain't that bright, and easily avoided so it's cool Jimmy: nowt like what you're thinking Janis: coulda gone with that Janis: actually sound impressive Jimmy: why? Jimmy: you getting bored of me already, Jessica? Jimmy: 💔 Janis: just saying, bit of inspiration wouldn't go amiss if you want this post to be 🔥 Janis: but don't worry, I'm a pro even if you're not bringing your A game Jimmy: if you need it when the bar's this low, we are doomed Jimmy: got weeks of this yet, girl Janis: shut up, misery Janis: just worried you can't keep up Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Jimmy: a well deep wound Janis: You want 'em to piss off or nah, boy Jimmy: save your nagging 'til you next visit me at work Jimmy: the audience will lap it up Janis: Yeah yeah, you just wanna fully appreciate in person don't lie Jimmy: rumbled 😍 Janis: Hm, know your type, mate Janis: probably tell me your shifts so I can drop in casual Janis: not dedicated enough to work it out like they have, soz Jimmy: [sends his work schedule] Jimmy: get in before I get sacked 🙄 Janis: are you only the best barista in looks then? 💔 Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Jimmy: you tasted that smoothie Jimmy: but your sister's head bitch is here with her latest male victim Jimmy: I can only be so 😁 Janis: do the world, him and me a favour and poison hers, like 😒 Janis: your manager will understand Jimmy: Is she not immune to most? Jimmy: Looks like she's about to swallow this lad 🐍 Janis: 😷 Janis: Throw water at her, cool her down and she'll melt Jimmy: deal Janis: knew you had your uses Jimmy: she keeps looking at me Jimmy: waiting for my invite to sit down and join in Janis: probably Janis: or she's trying to turn you into stone, run away then, boy 🙄 Jimmy: if she can get anyone hard with one of them looks I despair at Leprechaun country more than I had done Janis: 😏 Janis: Actually funny, give you that Janis: she reckons Jimmy: Funny enough to come save me? Janis: Hmm Janis: How scared are you? Gotta let it get high enough, most hero points Jimmy: I'll let you know when she unhinges her jaw fully Janis: 👍 Janis: quite the party trick Jimmy: go on, I'll ramp up the 😍 Jimmy: make her think you're really irresistible Janis: Think? Janis: Bitch, she knows Jimmy: She fancies you? Jimmy: That explains a lot Janis: I don't know what her actual damage is Janis: would explain the over-the-top homophobia, like Jimmy: I'll show her what she's missing then Jimmy: work appropriate PDA Janis: 😍 when you put it like that Jimmy: gotta pay up Jimmy: like you said, I owe you for Grace Jimmy: how far do you want me to go? Janis: Oh 'scuse me whilst I take a moment to swoon Janis: 😂 Jimmy: Don't take too long if you don't want her to leave Jimmy: which I know you don't Jimmy: she's been chatting shit loudly about you, for my benefit, since she got here Janis: 😒 Glad to know she's as much a cunt behind my back as she is to my face Janis: true friend 💕 Janis: Reckon we can manage to show you're actually interested in ME and not just getting off with any bitch or too pie in the sky Jimmy: Easy Jimmy: Put your hair up so I can take it down that's the most cliche thing I can think of Janis: Sorted Janis: it's up anyway, had to go to the gym after that delightful convo with Gracie Jimmy: If you can keep your sick in your mouth & not over me, I'll remember your name, just for this Jimmy: Jennifer, right? Janis: I know you can read Janis: not that Northern Jimmy: Do you? Jimmy: I might be faking that too Janis: You running every message by your colleague first then? Janis: I should get off with him too, only fair Jimmy: wait til Mona's gone probably Jimmy: what do you wanna drink/eat? I'll pretend it's spontaneous 'cause I can read you so well 💕 Janis: She'd respect it, slutbag Janis: the others would defs not though so I'll be sly with it, don't worry Janis: Clearly a non-shit smoothie is our thing, babe 💕 Janis: and anything with protein, not fussy Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: Take some selfies with me, we'll work out who's gonna post what later Janis: Gotta give the fans what they want Jimmy: gotta give the #haters what they don't Janis: You know it Janis: by the time School rolls back 'round, you're gonna be so forgettable Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: No wishing 'bout it, boy Janis: I get shit done 💪 Jimmy: Don't make me like you Jimmy: Not what we're here for Janis: 🙄 Don't be soft Jimmy: Do your job & I won't be, will I? Jimmy: 😍 remember Janis: Yeah 😏 Do your best to look dead blue ball'd in these selfies Janis: what could be more #goals than a boy not instantly going off you when you don't spread 'em on first sight, appaz Janis: and our bar is low yeah Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: It's been a while, I can do that Janis: 🎻 Janis: Bollocks has it Jimmy: Hard to believe 'cause you want me so bad but actually has Janis: 🖕 Janis: if you have as many fans as you claiming, they ain't all so unbearable you ain't gone there Jimmy: yeah they are Janis: ⬆ standards, is it Jimmy: standards Jimmy: any Janis: Admirable Jimmy: Piss off Janis: Deadly serious Jimmy: nah you're not Janis: Giving you a few months 'fore you're one of 'em Janis: that's all Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: back to being brutal now then Janis: You want saving from this whole town, that'd cost more than you'd be willing to give, boy Janis: get you eventually Jimmy: I'll be gone before that happens Janis: Yeah? Jimmy: I didn't wanna come here in the first place, I'm not making it my shamrock patch to die in Janis: Me either, mate Jimmy: You better shut up and get a move on before we find owt else we've got in common Janis: 'Less you want me to show up all sweaty and have it be known that's what you're into you'll calm the fuck down and lemme finish Jimmy: If I cared that much what people thought I was into have dressed you before you first showed up here Janis: Cunt Janis: if I wanted unwarranted fashion advice, I'd have stayed home and alked to my sister some more Jimmy: Can't seduce a girl without a leather jacket, by your own reckoning Jimmy: So you're wrong or I don't care, do I? Janis: I'm right, you just like complaining Janis: it ain't like you've been catfished here Jimmy: you've been whinging since you got in my inbox, Jolene Janis: You're the one who's shit scared of falling so you keep 🤐 anything else Jimmy: You don't know me Jimmy: guess again Janis: I'm good Janis: only need to know the fake you tso this isn't a waste of time Jimmy: 💔 Janis: but give me the basic rundown over dinner, yeah Janis: just in case anyone asks when your birthday is or some shit Jimmy: chatting something useful? Who are you? Jimmy: Top one, Julie Janis: Funny Janis: I'll be fucking fuming if it's soon, I ain't getting you anything Jimmy: We'll be over before then Jimmy: When's yours? Janis: 13th October, so same Jimmy: Gutted I can't make Grace share with me as well Janis: 😒 Don't even Janis: basically have to leave the country to get away, no joke how serious she takes it Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎸🎺🎻 Jimmy: you get the whole orchestra for that one, baby Janis: I'll let her know you want the joint party, see how musical you feeling then Jimmy: I've already told you, you ain't breaking my heart Jimmy: do your worst Janis: hour 3 of picking out fucking Janis: napkin colours Janis: and she will Jimmy: nah don't have to listen Jimmy: she don't want any real input Janis: i know you've heard how loud she is Janis: there's no option Jimmy: bollocks Janis: I'm telling you, take my place Jimmy: I'm telling you, customer service has trained me Jimmy: Challenge accepted Janis: Have fun Janis: Imma do one with your fit workmate ✌ Jimmy: You'd have to find one first Janis: Easy Jimmy: if that's your type, sweetheart Janis: Not an amateur like the bitches who concern themselves with you, I've scoped the joint once, I'm good to go Janis: Don't be jealous, you asked for this Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: It's pity not jealousy Jimmy: if you think any of 'em are fit you need your eyes checked at least and at worst, like....scrapping Janis: I didn't know you'd ranked 'em all outta 10 already, my bad Janis: if you got claims, just say, girl code Jimmy: what the fuck is girl code? Janis: Fucked if I know but unsurprised I'm apparently in violation 'cos Gracie ain't getting exactly what she wants 🤷 Janis: ask if you can get a word in Jimmy: tah, mate Janis: I know, she's scary Janis: save your streetcred and keep it hush Jimmy: what street cred? I'm dating you Janis: Actually do one Jimmy: you don't feel no different about me Jimmy: we ain't pretending here Janis: I've had enough of it for one day though so you'll have to have a go tomorrow, like Jimmy: alright, white flag Jimmy: relax, Janis Janis: Whatever, yeah Janis: omw Jimmy: I'll get the smoothie ready so you don't have to wait Jimmy: it's the little things that are #goals yeah? Janis: 💕 Janis: so sweet Jimmy: save it Jimmy: we've got a show to put on Jimmy: Myrtle's really stepped hers up, on the hate & the love Janis: Least she's coming up for air Janis: What's she saying then? Jimmy: not worth repeating when we can just shut it down Janis: I just feel sorry for the lad Janis: his idea of a hot date probably isn't a bitching sesh Jimmy: he looks like he's enjoying himself Janis: 😷 the casualties of the job they didn't warn you about, yeah Jimmy: if you want any food you're braver than me Janis: Given but Janis: ew Jimmy: don't be a dickhead after the white flag's gone up Janis: awh babes Janis: don't you wanna play dirty? Jimmy: like I said, save it, babes Janis: 😏 fine Janis: dry Jimmy: I get it, you want me Jimmy: you can regret that it's fake later Janis: Yeah, be one for the deathbed, that 🙄 Jimmy: I'll bring the orchestra in Janis: you'll be long gone Janis: 💔 can kill, you know Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: alright, Juliet, steady on Janis: 🥊 ain't pulling no Janis: you shoulda done more research, boyo Jimmy: Minerva's meant to be drinking the poison not you, love Jimmy: & absolutely not me Janis: ahh so it's true Janis: you DO pull that stunt on all the girls 😏 amateur Jimmy: call me an amateur after if you still think so Janis: happily Jimmy: Love you too, baby Janis: 🤢 Janis: blow your load that quick we're in real trouble Jimmy: what are you wearing today? Jimmy: 'cause unless you've got the leathers out Janis: 😂 kicking it old school sex hotline okay Janis: gym things, obviously Janis: men, never listen 😏 Jimmy: we're in no danger then Janis: 💔 Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: rude when i'm blowing off the gym juice boy for you Jimmy: if you want to bring him to CG to dangle in front of your enemy, go on Janis: Poor boy Janis: she has enough playthings without my help Jimmy: they'll both be gutted Jimmy: learn to share, Joni Janis: fuck off Janis: had a lifetime as is Jimmy: I ain't an only child Jimmy: you don't get no violin Janis: how many you got, 1, 2 Janis: and you ain't twins with the most annoying bitch in ireland, possibly the world Jimmy: take it up with your Irish catholic parents or whatever Jimmy: probably the pope Janis: how irish catholic do i look boy Jimmy: your ma looks it Jimmy: that'll do Janis: send her to the fucking laundries and bury us all in the mass grave Janis: good luck n all da Jimmy: cheery today you Janis: ain't my fault fallen women don't get you going Janis: what's wrong with you man Jimmy: if that's your #goal we are proper doomed Jimmy: couldn't be more turned off if I tried Janis: tell you ain't catholic Janis: love to hate the sin hatefuck the sinner baby, that's how we're rolling Jimmy: I'm not C of E never mind that Jimmy: there's no god under my roof, girl Jimmy: never been Janis: Lucky you Janis: we're not all #blessed Jimmy: 🎻 Jimmy: my dad will love to hear that we are, tah Janis: welcome Janis: way too soon to attempt impressing parents but clearly that overachiever Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: bring that enthusiasm to my counter, babe Janis: hot Jimmy: like you said, bar's low Janis: low enough you reckon i'm hopping my arse up on it for you, apparently Jimmy: why not? Janis: depends Janis: is it a challenge Jimmy: You gonna accept it if it is? Janis: Obviously Janis: 🥇 Jimmy: Go on then, thrill me, Justine Janis: Easy Jimmy: Easy for you to say now, yeah Janis: Easy for you to chat back now too Jimmy: I'll pretend to like it, difficult as that'll be Jimmy: So doesn't matter Janis: you need me, remember that Jimmy: I've not forgotten Jimmy: don't need to kiss your arse before you get here though Janis: no one's asking you to go that far, tah Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: well you never answered how far you DO want me to Janis: Don't be stupid Jimmy: Not #goals if you slap me in front of Mia, is it? Janis: Not for you anyway Jimmy: Draw me the line Jimmy: I won't cross it Jimmy: Not hard Janis: You're not thick, no sense doing anything more than what's appropriate for the audience, like Janis: why do I have to spell it out Jimmy: 'Cause you hate her Jimmy: So how much do you? Janis: How much do I hate her? Janis: That's a question and then some, like Jimmy: I can make it as hot and her as jealous as you want Jimmy: Like you said, not thick Janis: Yeah? Jimmy: Do the same for me if I ask Jimmy: & yeah Janis: Alright Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I'm here Janis: be hot Jimmy: 🔥🎆🚒 Janis: Oh my God, you actual loser 😏 Jimmy: don't call me a loser when I'm about to help you win Janis: okay okay, teamwork, yeah? Jimmy: I've been putting in work you ain't even asked for being 😍 at my phone this whole time so she knows its you Jimmy: pull your weight, dickhead Janis: admire the dedication Jimmy: match it then Janis: oi 💪 always Jimmy: 🥇 yeah? Janis: Too right Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [After] Janis: Is your phone blowing up too or am I just the un🍀 one? Jimmy: my co-workers are Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: you could be in with some of 'em now for real Janis: Good stuff, secondary goal achieved too Janis: Go us Jimmy: Mia's not gonna put us on blast like a new wave gossip girl, is she? Jimmy: Do without my sister seeing any of that Janis: I don't reckon she would, she shouldn't seem as invested as she is, not cool Janis: she's just shown her little mates, Grace included Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: keep your win without me whinging then Janis: Just get her done for making material with minors in if she does, problem solved 🤷 Janis: not taking my 🥇 Jimmy: we gonna cool things off for not looking to keen or go all in with first date bollocks? Janis: I mean, probably occupy their tiny minds for a bit but leave it too long and I go back to looking #desperate so Janis: still up for going ahead whenever you are Jimmy: day or two? Jimmy: made me want you for a bit but not too long Janis: Cool Janis: I'd buy it Jimmy: more like two and you can act like I'm blowing your phone up Jimmy: tilt your screen 🙄 Janis: For sure Janis: hmu with those 'wyd' texts Jimmy: & impressive selfies Jimmy: you ain't the only one capable Janis: mhmm show me what i'm missing 😏 Jimmy: 🤤 Jimmy: you ran off so quick we didn't take any coupley ones #rookie mistake Jimmy: remind me next time Janis: you know, own personal photographer and hater in one with mia Janis: even if she ain't thinking of my angles Jimmy: she didn't get mine either Jimmy: 💔 Janis: honestly, talk about distracted on the job Jimmy: some people, mate Jimmy: have you looked though? did the job for us Jimmy: & livened up her story Janis: Welcome, if I had to see another generic selfie from her 🔫 Janis: Who knew I was so popular? Jimmy: Me, that's why we're 💕 Janis: All part of the masterplan Janis: I'll skillfully ignore these DM requests, like Jimmy: we've made our point Jimmy: slide into as many DMs as you like, darling Janis: 👍 tah Janis: least let you get a date in, kinda the point Jimmy: point is, you're not gay & I'm not interested in what Mia & co are offering Jimmy: but I won't deprive you of a date now, that'd be so snide Janis: 🙄 gracious Jimmy: we don't have to sit through a whole shit film, do we? Jimmy: as long as we check in & our audience know we're there Janis: you gotta be home by 9 anyway so Jimmy: Mia's not gonna like turn up in shades to watch us in the back row now she'd had a glimpse Jimmy: 'Cause I wanna just eat Janis: Got enough wank bank material keep her going Janis: let's just eat then, I don't care, never nothing good on anyway Jimmy: where's good grub wise? I ain't been nowhere yet Janis: I know places, I'll pick somewhere actually decent, not just #goals Janis: just don't tell my Dad Jimmy: 😍😍😍 tah bae Jimmy: what's your dad gonna do if I chat to him about decent food? Janis: chat how his is better and no one needs a first date at their own dad's restaurant Janis: never mind a fake one Jimmy: 💔 gutted Jimmy: I could've made a 🔥 first impression for you, girl Janis: 😂 gone to your head, lad Janis: don't need to impress him, or any of 'em Jimmy: could though Jimmy: multi talented Jimmy joined the chat 7 hours ago Janis: and the oscar goes to Janis: keep your talents away from my fam, tah Jimmy: Alright, Jackie, you've got a deal Janis: careful, make a habit of it Jimmy: gotta for as long as you need me Janis: 💕 Jimmy: then I'll bin school off & go hollywood 😎 Janis: See no flaws in the plan Janis: big enough town I can go too and blank ya or? Janis: any out, like Jimmy: I'm no expert but I'd guess yeah Janis: Did you just admit you don't know everything? Janis: Omg, definitely isn't you Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You're the one who tries to chat that you do Janis: I don't try, I just do, babe Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: We were having a moment plotting our new life & you had to be a dickhead Jimmy: ruin everything you Janis: You have to warn me when we're having moments Janis: I wasn't on, God Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: Used it all up for Mia Janis: real love of my life, naturally 😒 Jimmy: You crush me, Josie Janis: I know, I know Janis: I did warn you Jimmy: Make it up to me by naming a decent pub Jimmy: I need somewhere to go after work Janis: Whelan's is a decent shout Jimmy: 👍 Janis: for your vibe Janis: lots of leather, lots of indie but the craic is actually decent and it ain't tourist hell so Jimmy: I'll let you know if you're right Jimmy: know you can't wait to find out Janis: Hanging on the phone, like 🖕 Jimmy: If I find any girls irresistible I'll keep it off the 'gram, don't worry Janis: 👍 Jimmy: this shift is dragging after Mia gate Jimmy: if I text her will she come back? Janis: You mean they're ripping the piss too hard Janis: Obviously she would but can you not Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: I've handled worse from you Janis: Brave boy Jimmy: Don't join in Jimmy: not an invite Janis: alright alright Janis: is the fit one invited whelan's with you or nah? i need to know if he's got enough bants or what Jimmy: weren't planning on inviting any of 'em soz to 💔 Janis: least i know he's free Jimmy: keep winning today Jimmy: you're welcome, babe Janis: You know Janis: couldn't have done it without you Jimmy: coulda asked your fave barista Jimmy: next time he'll be well ready to take you up on it Janis: not got a dealwith him, have i Jimmy: wouldn't be hard to make one Jimmy: you've got his attention & I can give you his details Janis: don't be a dick Jimmy: What? Janis: Not fir hire Janis: I'm helping you out because you're helping me out, that's it Janis: it ain't that Jimmy: If you like him, get with him Janis: Maybe I will but don't concern yourself with the set-up Jimmy: I'm helping you out 'cause you helped me out, that's it Janis: Well don't Jimmy: Alright Janis: Have a good night 👍 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: [sends restaurant deets] Janis: shall I book this or not? Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: I'm working 'til 6 but I'll get ready here & come straight to get you Janis: K Janis: See you then then, just bring your selfie A game Jimmy: just get my good side Janis: 📸 or 👊? Jimmy: depends what mood you're in, Jill Jimmy: guess we'll find out Janis: depends on how much of a pain in my are you plan on being Jimmy: depends what kind of day I've had Jimmy: & how much of a dickhead you plan on being Janis: isn't that just my natural state of being Jimmy: when you're chatting yeah Janis: Backatcha Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: better at not Jimmy: but don't need to tell you that after earlier Janis: shame, really Jimmy: why? Janis: That we have to talk to make this thing believable Janis: trust, I'd rather just the other too Jimmy: I can piss off Jimmy: it's believable now Jimmy: don't have to keep chatting away Janis: You said you'd make me look good, and I so do not right now, so you can't get out of it yet Jimmy: I made you look great Jimmy: rewatch the story Jimmy: & what I'm chatting is, some couples barely do, so we don't have to Janis: other lads who want the same, i grant you but you miss all the comments calling me a slag or what Janis: obvs, i ain't trying to keep you Jimmy: I'll follow through, we've got a deal Jimmy: but you don't have to have me as your specialist subject on a quiz show Janis: piss off Janis: i ain't them or tryna be so don't play like i am Jimmy: Ask me what you need & then we don't have to talk for ages Jimmy: job done Janis: I have, where's the bit where I'm asking you 'bout the weather? Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: Jesus Jimmy: he don't exist to me, remember? Jimmy: you gotta listen if you wanna keep this believable, girl Janis: not my specialist  subject, babe Jimmy: 💔 Janis: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕 Jimmy: lovely you are Jimmy: remind me to take you home to meet the parents ASAP Janis: yeah thank fuck it ain't real, right Jimmy: if it were I wouldn't offer Janis: if you're trying to put me off, I already know you're a dick Janis: it's not necessary Jimmy: trying to put them off Jimmy: one dinner with you & I wouldn't have to be at the next however many Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 💔 too bad that ain't part of the deal then Jimmy: could be? Jimmy: You agreed to go all in for me when I asked Jimmy: like I did for you with Mia Janis: Ha, you wanna live to regret it just name the time, mate Jimmy: I'll let you know when the next family dinner is Jimmy: My dad's due a new girlfriend about now Janis: I'll do my best not to seduce her Jimmy: Don't let me stop you Jimmy: 'ave your fun while you can, he don't keep 'em long Janis: Gutting, no doubt Jimmy: for who? Jimmy: don't reckon anyone's 💔 Janis: Yeah, I gathered Janis: well not really a sloppy seconds kinda girl but if there's no love lost and that's what you want, like Janis: done is done Jimmy: 💕 last great romantic you Janis: Let it be known Jimmy: hang on, I'll tweet it Janis: 😏 as far as subtweets go, I'm getting worse, babe Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: Just saying, up your game, boy Jimmy: What you want me to do, tweet you a nude? Jimmy: Calm down, Jen Janis: I know even you ain't that cocky, no pun intended, new boy Jimmy: Nah? Janis: Nah, all chat Janis: like I said, sad, really 😥 Jimmy: Hold on, the lighting in here is shit Janis: 😂 #priorities Jimmy: [tweets it 'cos I'll never actually find one] Janis: as if you actually did that Jimmy: when I get snatched by a man with a van full of sweets, on your head Janis: 💔 i'll use that picture on the posters, like Jimmy: edit the lighting tah Jimmy: still shit Janis: you tryna be an insta model or what, mate Jimmy: could be Jimmy: you ain't paying me for my time, rich girl Janis: those skinny tea #ads will be coming in no time Jimmy: 💔 locked out of my account so I'll never know what my Juliet tweeted me back Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: not a nude back so you ain't missing anything good Jimmy: course of true love & all that Jimmy: still gutted Janis: I'll compile screenshots of the most blatant thirsty hoes, can go over 'em on our date Janis: don't say I never do nothing for you Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: making me fall hard for you, babe Janis: I know, gift and a curse, truly Jimmy: its the gym clothes Jimmy: could've warned me Janis: 😏 you never seen a bitch in a sports bra Jimmy: nah Jimmy: its too cold up north for owt like that Janis: 😂 running in all your layers Jimmy: spot on Janis: know it's grim but the sweat would be no joke Janis: dirrrrrty Jimmy: I ain't a runner & I don't know any Jimmy: take your word, mate Jimmy: kills me getting the dog out Janis: all them 🚬 Janis: not a stalker, 'fore you start Janis: tasted 'em second-hand, bit rude Jimmy: 💀💀💀💀 Jimmy: if you get cancer of the 👅 bill me for your medical Janis: 💕 true love Janis: resisted the urge to tell a rich bitch to pay for her own if she hates dying so much and everything, so proud Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: one make out sesh & I'm a changed man, baby #your influence Janis: so gonna quote that on twitter, really shame you now you ain't about to stop me 😈 Jimmy: 'ave at it Jimmy: gimme more warning next time & 🚭 for real though Janis: Better than teacher coffee breath, which is what I was mentally preparing for tbh Jimmy: brutal Jimmy: actually 💔 me now Janis: It's good Janis: you ain't as much of a filthy hipster as I reckoned Jimmy: On the level, Janet, I don't like coffee Jimmy: just need it sometimes 😫 Jimmy: kinda like you & I Janis: No judgment, boy Janis: all got our vices but at the price CG is selling, you'd be better off getting proper amphetamines Jimmy: staff discount is mint Jimmy: but tah for the concern Janis: that's me Janis: lovely Jimmy: had 'em as a kid anyway before I outgrew it Jimmy: nowt to shout 'bout Janis: Good to know you ain't that kinda #cringe Jimmy: what kind? Janis: the 'thinks getting off his face is a personality trait' kind Janis: do what you gotta but don't be tryna act like it should wow me, you know Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: my ex was a bit of that, in the end Janis: yeah, lots are, all fun and games 'til it ain't then it's like a constant fucking comedown or they can't hack it Jimmy: nothing close to fun & games up north, mate, only grim, remember? 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: anyway she's got a kid now so clean up or fuck up Janis: 😬 Oosh Janis: you're not a runaway baby daddy, are you Jimmy: nah Janis: 🍀 Jimmy: friend of her dad's, I think Janis: Nice Janis: not gross at all, sir Jimmy: Like I said, grim Janis: not any better here let's be real Janis: not all little gingers and pots of gold Jimmy: don't tell my dad he moved us here 🤞 Jimmy: and so I wouldn't gatecrash her wedding & offer to raise her kid but neither here nor there Janis: 🤐 Janis: gutting, i doubt her dad's mate is minted or hot Jimmy: he ain't Jimmy: he's 45, works in a factory, smokes more and gyms less than me Jimmy: but my dad is 'bout a year behind the times Jimmy: too late for my objections 💔 Janis: oh girl, no Janis: tragedy all 'round Jimmy: she's on my friend's list if you wanna give her the orchestra Janis: don't worry, entertained enough by my fans rn Janis: don't need to passive-aggressively ruin the poor bitch for the lols Jimmy: so sad to be missing out Janis: you're sorely missed, i promise you Janis: not by me, obvs but you know Jimmy: who by? Jimmy: can't fake it forever, can I? Jimmy: gotta get a real girl one day Janis: You can't wait 'til the date for the list I ALREADY promised yas? Jimmy: I told you this shift is dragging it's arse, Judith Janis: you got tinder downloaded? no doubt sly bitches are swarming already Jimmy: nah but probably should Jimmy: if its that or tell you more of my origin story Janis: I ain't asking, batman, chill out Jimmy: but I'm chatting Jimmy: fuck knows why I've said what I've already said Janis: don't matter, who am I telling? Jimmy: twitter for all I know Janis: nah Janis: give me some credit Janis: not funny, for starters, like Jimmy: story of my life Jimmy: there's a joke in there somewhere Janis: 🎻 Janis: they ain't ready for the inside joke that is Jimmy: I'm still not inviting any other dickheads but come for a drink tonight if you want Janis: Alright Janis: devvo all my besties ain't gona be there but you'll do Jimmy: you can bring whoever I'm just saying I ain't Janis: I'm good Janis: not dealing with the disappointment when he realizes it ain't a threesome with ya Jimmy: #my influence Janis: Truly, babe Janis: with bad lighting and all 🔥 Jimmy: I could've done better but you put me on the spot Janis: 😂 it's alright, couldn't see it, you don't have to hit me with performance excuses yet Jimmy: or ever Jimmy: you're faking it & telling me you are Jimmy: #goals Janis: so much easier Jimmy: so convincing earlier I'm wondering if my ex ever wanted to kiss me 💔🎻💔 Janis: leave it a few 'til you ring her asking Janis: least you can be/pretend to be pissed Jimmy: don't wanna know Janis: unless her type is exclusively really undesirable old blokes Janis: you're fine Jimmy: maybe it is & you're being catfished Jimmy: look like a teen, am in my 40s Janis: I mean, I'm good, I'll call the garda and get mad sympathy and compensation Janis: can't lose, baby Jimmy: stick with me, Janine Janis: why not Jimmy: you don't even have to kiss me tonight Jimmy: wins keep coming Janis: 🍀 Janis: born with it Jimmy: maybe its leprechauns Janis: 😂 Jimmy: if you're Irish why are you so tall? Jimmy: shatters my illusions Janis: Half Brazilian too, and quarter plain old English scum Jimmy: you're a smoothie of a girl Jimmy: lovely Janis: Steady on 😬 call me exotic and stick me on the menu whilst you're at it Jimmy: be better than what's on Jimmy: you taste better than you chat Janis: ha Janis: dread to think how we're representing english in a smoothie...like, blended fry-up or what? Jimmy: tea? Janis: You know I'm actually Scouse with it so maybe you just wanna chop me up and use my blood, like Janis: 😬 #awks Jimmy: Yeah? Jimmy: must be why we have such an affinity Janis: that what we're calling it? 😏 Jimmy: what do you wanna label it? Jimmy: fake chemistry? Janis: Famistry sounds ridiculous Janis: serious suggestions only please Jimmy: sounds like we're gonna do blood tests & tell people their family trees Janis: 💸 Janis: only if i can tell people they're adopted or their uncle is their dad Janis: spice things up Jimmy: only if I can make a smoothie to represent them at the end Janis: 🎨 #artiste Jimmy: fuck mia, if I text you will you come back Jimmy: bored Janis: really? you let me get home before deciding this? 🙄 Janis: and you've sent me/twitter the nude already, how mind-blowing is this text gonna be, like 😏 Jimmy: is that a challenge or a flat out nah Janis: When you working 'til, like 6? Jimmy: Yep Janis: if we're going pub after anyway, guess I could come that bit earlier, what's it matter, like Janis: go forth and text impress, boy Jimmy: walk me, you romantic Jimmy: 💕 Janis: real old school Janis: you want flowers so you can really make all the other lads jealous or what Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: with this hayfever? you're alright Janis: 😍 sexy Janis: can't hack a bit of pollen, love that for you Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😂 Janis: poor boy, stick to getting the pints in, yeah? Jimmy: it's my #excuse for the fans for why you ain't getting no 🎕 Jimmy: & yeah Janis: literally what are you meant to do with 'em anyway Janis: waste Jimmy: watch 'em die Jimmy: like the feelings you caught for the wrong bae Janis: deep 🚬 Jimmy: gonna be a twitter poet if I ever get my account back Janis: i can see it Janis: gonna have to chuck you before then Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: [okay but sends her a really hot sext cos challenge accepted from a moment ago but I can't write it cos I'm me, myself & I so imagine] Jimmy: Screenshot that for me 'til then Janis: 😳 Janis: You want me to get suspended for your filth too? Jimmy: censor it if you must Janis: you can't censor #art babe Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Done Jimmy: with me or my artistic flair? Janis: I screenshotted it Jimmy: I wasn't serious Jimmy: but join me on the ban list I guess Janis: I'll delete it Janis: I did some generous cropping anyway Jimmy: leave it Jimmy: don't wanna look like you regret your choices Jimmy: not #goals Janis: soz Jimmy: nah you're not Janis: i mean, again warn a bitch when it's a joke, yeah Jimmy: I sound good what do I care? Janis: exactly, nothing but favours Jimmy: for you too Jimmy: not gonna look desperate waiting on that date now, are you? Janis: you want a thank you or? Jimmy: I want a fucking drink but I'm too keen Jimmy: not time yet Janis: 'less you're buzzing for another smoothie Jimmy: tasted enough of yours tah Janis: no room to complain Janis: you made it, ash tray Jimmy: I wasn't Jimmy: calm down, rich girl, you're supposed to be nice to your servers now Janis: You reckon I ain't been nice enough to you for one day? Jimmy: depends Jimmy: If I say nah are you gonna be nicer or meaner? Janis: See how I'm feeling, I guess Janis: and how much of a dickhead you're being 😜 Jimmy: 💔 deep wounds Jimmy: you've got the wrong fake boyfriend 'cause I would obviously not act like that towards you, Judy Janis: 😏 my mistake Janis: jog my memory, which one are you then? Jimmy: northern prince charming 💕 Jimmy: gets banned from twitter for you, makes you personalised drinks, hates the same people you hate Janis: Ahh, him Jimmy: what do you drink anyway? feel like I should know even if this round's off the 'gram Janis: Have whatever you're having Janis: not tryna be that easy but I don't drink often enough to be arsed Janis: don't feel special, like Jimmy: Actually so romantic though 😍 Janis: 🖕 shh Jimmy: it's pints either lager, ales or snakebite/snakebite & black Jimmy: I'll let you pick 'cause I am too Janis: twitter feed been knew and blessed, babe Janis: go 🐍 Janis: seems fitting Jimmy: how did you guess I saved the best for last? Janis: The affinity, obviously Jimmy: don't feel special but you're less of a dickhead today Janis: This is like the second time you've spoke to me, judgy cunt 😂 Jimmy: I've had a month of silent judgement going Janis: Well, how can I not feel special now, eh Jimmy: on everyone not just you Jimmy: but yeah if I'd known all I had to do was stage an elaborate fake kiss to make you specifically less annoying then Janis: spoilsport Janis: 😑 Jimmy: I know 💔 Janis: Something like that Janis: twat Jimmy: What? Jimmy: I was giving you a real compliment Janis: Yeah yeah Janis: save it for the 'gram lover boy Jimmy: 😭 Janis: need a drink in you immediately Janis: soft cunt Jimmy: immediately after I get changed out of this uniform 💔 for you Janis: i ain't complaining Janis: EXACTLY what we mean when we say love a man in uniform, right ladies 😍 Jimmy: it gets you going, I felt it Jimmy: or you wanna admit to that just being me? 💕 Janis: nah Janis: 100% the apron and promise of the decent discount Jimmy: Knew it Janis: should be glad, like Jimmy: why? Janis: don't want me falling for you, nightmare Jimmy: better than your sister Jimmy: marginally Jimmy: or are you an entirely different girl when it's real 💘? Janis: fuck you fucking marginally, you can say no tah without associating me with her Janis: guess we'll never know Janis: 💔 tragedy Jimmy: not directly Jimmy: I'm sure I'll see it on the 'gram when you're doing this all for real Janis: knew it Janis: #stalkeebecomesthestalker Jimmy: it's my destiny Jimmy: obsessed with you, Juliet Janis: One fake kiss and it's a done deal Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: gift and curse Janis: will be more careful next time i fake date, tah for the experience, like Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Apparently they're having an emergency sleepover at ours tonight... Janis: my sister fully wants me dead, bye 😂 Jimmy: do you have somewhere else you can sleep or is it a one eye open job? Janis: I'll go to my Grandparents Janis: don't need to wake up to them in my face ready to sacrifice me or whatever nah Jimmy: We could say we're having our own emergency sleepover Jimmy: really put the nail in your coffin Janis: 😂 Janis: amazing Jimmy: what's more goals than sleeping with you and still taking you out to dinner, yeah? Jimmy: You're a really good lay, have a steak 😍 you know Janis: you've got a point Janis: beats a text back, like Jimmy: I often do, dickhead, catch up Jimmy: you can stay here if you think it'll get back to the oracle that you weren't Jimmy: here being my house not this 2nd home, don't sleep at the CG, I would be sacked Janis: 🖕 Firstly Janis: Secondly, probably for the best or we'll have start faking the noises and I don't trust them to not wanna go whole hog and watch Janis: the one with the bog eye gonna put me off Janis: soz hun Janis: lastly it's really fucked with my fantasy that you don't tbh, least keep the little hat on Jimmy: my room's a box, that gonna be a problem for you, rich girl? Janis: I'm an actual basement dweller, it's fine Jimmy: My dad is Jimmy: you'll get on like a house on 🔥 Janis: do my best to avoid him even if the walk of shame is fake, he's not gonna know that Jimmy: might fall for him, have a baby & get married Jimmy: happens more than you'd reckon Janis: 🤢 Janis: not my speed Janis: no offense old man Jimmy: for the best, I look nothing like him Jimmy: & I'm your type so Janis: Obviously Jimmy: I'll be in with my brother, knock on the wall if you need owt Jimmy: another fake kiss, a twitter ban, whatever Janis: 🙄 Clearly you don't me but I trust you to control yourself, you know Janis: don't need to exile yourself on my behalf, like Jimmy: If I don't it'll be three in a bed Jimmy: you don't want that Janis: Ah right, fair play Janis: thought the poor bastard might be like 12 or whatever and like piss off jim Jimmy: my sister is Jimmy: ignore her, she'll fuck you up 🥊 Janis: Noted 😏 Jimmy: could be gay & fall in love with you Jimmy: #awkward Janis: I'll calm down how hot I am Janis: apart from that, just a rabid dog too, yeah? Jimmy: It'd be a way to find out 'cause she's never said but probably best if you look as ugly as possible Jimmy: for all our sakes Jimmy: & its only a puppy, you'll survive Janis: Outing your sister is deffo not part of the deal, no Janis: I'm great with dogs Jimmy: Yeah? Take it with you Jimmy: None of us want it Janis: Awh don't be horrible Jimmy: I'm not Jimmy: we don't Janis: um why'd you get it Jimmy: guilt gift for moving to a new country when its not even the start of the school year Jimmy: we weren't asked, I'd have voted for a better telly or summat Janis: ahh, the infinite wisdom of parents Janis: what you need is more pressure and responsibility at a time like that, for sure Jimmy: probably ask my sister if you're taking it & not her off into the sunset too Jimmy: she hates it least Janis: I would but we're not allowed dogs Janis: Mum's a mad cat lady Janis: probably just needs a bit of training, that's all, it'll be more bearable then Jimmy: 💔 gutted for myself more than you Janis: I'll show you how it's done Janis: My Grandparents have a dog and it was lowkey feral before I started Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: before or after you fake seduce me Janis: Hmm, it's hardly foreplay but the first thing I wanna do after a ride is not go to the park, like Janis: save it for another day, boy Janis: so keen Jimmy: busy night this Jimmy: all I'm thinking Janis: 😏 If you can't keep up say now baby Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😂 disappoint me later, fine Jimmy: fake disappointment won't hurt Janis: had worse Jimmy: me too Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: duet Janis: lovely Jimmy: this might be too much to ask but as far as my sister goes, we're dating for real, alright Jimmy: my brother too if he speaks to you but unlikely Janis: yeah, 'course, I get it Janis: they don't need to know and you don't want them too Janis: if mine knew any boundaries I'd be the same Jimmy: tah Jimmy: they should be asleep when we get back from the pub 🤞 Jimmy: but I know better Janis: 👍 Janis: capable of not being a dick when required, honest Jimmy: disappoint me later, fine 😂 Janis: cheek Janis: i can be a dick to you all i like Janis: not actual innocent children Jimmy: You can be a dick to my dad too, as much as you like Jimmy: I encourage it Janis: Good to know Janis: like you reckoned, doubt I'm a parent pleaser Jimmy: He won't be nice to you so don't be 💔 'bout not winning him 'round Janis: s'alright, even if you gotta tell your sister we're actually dating, not like I expect your Da to buy it Jimmy: it's 'cause he'll buy it that he won't Jimmy: He's the only one allowed to look for happiness in the arms of whoever Janis: I feel you Janis: and I'm offering neither, such a shame, coulda been such good mates Jimmy: gotta get this orchestra on wheels Jimmy: me arms are tired from the in & out Janis: 😒 stamina who Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: so worried 'bout my fake stamina Jimmy: I can go all night when I'm pretending, babe Janis: 😂 whatta claim Jimmy: how do you wanna out us to the world though? Jimmy: play coy like we were pretending we didn't but still got caught or be brazen about me fake rocking your world? Janis: I don't think coy is gonna look very real after all this Janis: not saying we need to announce it to the whole world but you know Jimmy: so pub pics & morning after? Jimmy: let them do the work Janis: Exactly Jimmy: walk this fucking dog with me Jimmy: if that ain't #goals it should be so I don't have to do it Janis: it's a puppy, bitches loves puppies Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: don't know if she'd fit in a handbag Janis: do I look like I'm bringing a handbag Jimmy: just saying fuck knows if she's #goals Jimmy: too late to swap her if she ain't Janis: send me a pic Janis: you must have one Jimmy: on my phone Jimmy: why? Jimmy: hang on, maybe if one of us is also in it Janis: 💔🐶 Jimmy: [sends a pic of Twix and Bobby 'cause it'd show how old he is & how that don't add up to his behavior as has been mentioned so Janis like hmmm] Janis: Adorable Janis: Can work with that Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you want me to come in or meet you there Janis: just got into town Jimmy: meet me there, your fave barista's gone home already Janis: you don't even know which one I think is fit Janis: shameless Jimmy: Yeah I do Janis: if you say you I swear down Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: for real though Jimmy: its Pete Janis: Which one is that? I've not read all your nametags and you swap 'em anyways #bants Jimmy: not knowing names is my thing Jimmy: try again Janis: 😒 really Jimmy: Am I right or not? Jimmy: nowt hard about the question Janis: Why's it even matter Janis: shut up Jimmy: if it don't, answer it Jimmy: you're making it more of a thing Janis: you're the one banging on about it still Jimmy: come on, Janis Janis: Fine, it's him Janis: not like that's a declaration of love Jimmy: you're not the only one who can screenshot Jimmy: can be if needs Janis: die literally Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: love you too Janis: 🖕 Janis: what was i meant to do whilst i was hanging around the other day, like Janis: rank the shitty drinks or what Jimmy: lust after pete was the only idea that landed 👌 Janis: actual idiot Jimmy: now I know I can be more like him, make things easier for you to fake Jimmy: actual idiot is top one Janis: remind me never to tell you anything ever again 😑 Jimmy: bit snide when you know loads bout me now but alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: If you wanna know anything actual, just ask Janis: you coming out with bait questions like which barista is the least offensive on the eyes so Jimmy: whatever, I don't Janis: 👍 Jimmy: Just be better at my angles than Mia Jimmy: 'cause I'm on route Janis: like it's hard Jimmy: after that 🥇 all times you Jimmy: I remember Janis: ain't offering a reminder, so good Jimmy: 💔💔💔💔 Jimmy: don't change your mind when you see how I look #awks Janis: 🙄 Please Jimmy: #pete who Janis: 💀kill me now Jimmy: if you die now you can't go to heaven by calling me pete when we fake fuck? 🎻 hang on in there, baby Janis: Literally gonna leave if you don't shut it Jimmy: tragedy Jimmy: I'm not gonna keep you against your will, not what this is Janis: getting a round out of you first, you invited me Jimmy: you can uninvite me or yourself any time Janis: behave Jimmy: 💔 too late Janis: Come on Jimmy: I don't run, I told you Jimmy: going as fast as I can Janis: the real tragedy Jimmy: not gonna make me learn the violin for real but 👌 Janis: least you don't need lungs for it Janis: fucked if you were planning to take up the sax Jimmy: #savage Janis: true though Janis: deal with it, baby Jimmy: funnily enough my life aint destroyed by a lack of sax Jimmy: change a letter & maybe Janis: alright, dad Janis: such jokes Jimmy: 😎 Jimmy: get what you pay for, rich girl Jimmy: this is my lowest tier banter like Janis: feel sorry for the poor bitches doing it just 'cos then Janis: fuck me Jimmy: start a # Jimmy: you love 'em Janis: obvs Janis: any cause Jimmy: raise enough, rehome my dog Janis: actually gonna have to call animal welfare ain't I Jimmy: yeah go on Janis: don't be heartless Janis: could get given to someone worse Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 💔 Jimmy: could get eaten by leprechauns Jimmy: cheer up, Jasmine Janis: say you love her, like Janis: go on Jimmy: why do you want me to lie to you? Jimmy: we at that stage already? Janis: yeah Janis: clearly Janis: make me feel so much better and really what's important here? Jimmy: I 💘🐶 Jimmy: screenshot it if you want Janis: Good enough Janis: and not gonna make a habit of it Jimmy: which bit, asking me to lie or taking screenshots? Janis: I meant the screenshots but I'll think about the lying Janis: Hmm Jimmy: I'm not really gonna dob you into Pete Janis: Duh, you've got nothing to say Jimmy: Bollocks Jimmy: but I don't wanna talk to him Jimmy: keep your sacred tools Janis: Me either Janis: shatter the illusion Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: I know what you wanna do Janis: ew Janis: i said he was fit not that Jimmy: ⬆ standards, right Janis: fuck off Jimmy: alright Jimmy: not through the doors yet so easy Janis: don't be dramatic Janis: just stop talking about him i ain't interested Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: what Jimmy: nowt Janis: alright Jimmy: 🚬 Jimmy: you coming out or staying in? Janis: gonna twos it Jimmy: is that a question or #couple goals Janis: a question, i don't think anyone's glamourized smoking in about 100 years Jimmy: I can Jimmy: If you want Janis: Yeah Janis: Go on then Jimmy: 👍

[ailithnight]

The Aquarium

Greetings! I wrote a Thomas Sanders Fan fiction set in the wonderful universe created by  @sanderssons​. They’ve been working on a magnificent comic that I highly suggest you check out. You can read the comic @sanderssons-comic​. Seriously, it’s awesome. Go give it a read. All credit for this universe and characters goes to them, and of course @thatsthat24​ for creating the Sanders Sides in the first place. Now then, on with the show?

Title: The Aquarium Words: 2030 Universe: Sanders Sons Comic based on The Sanders Sides

Warnings: Minor Panic Attack. Very Minor. Mostly, this is fluff. Pure, unadulterated, sugary sweet fluff.

Thomas began to question his judgement as he paid the parking fee and pulled the mini-van into the parking lot. The zoo had been a disaster, all his children trying to run off in different directions. Thomas had spent the majority of that day frantically looking around for one of his kiddos and desperately trying to herd them together while the sun beat fire on his back. At least the aquarium was largely inside and air-conditioned, so the sweltering Floridian humidity wouldn’t be conspiring with his anxiety to choke him. Also, Thomas had planned ahead, bringing with him the cavalry. Joan sat beside him in the front seat, talking to Logan and Patton behind him about all the fun they were going to have. In the back seats were Roman, Virgil, and Talyn. Even Marco, currently perched in beanie form on top of Joan’s head, had agreed to pitch in if something went wrong. The familiar might not admit it, but he was a bit fond of the quirky family he’d found himself a part of. Thomas had also made sure to give a stern lecture to lay out the rules. He found a place to park the vehicle and turned around to face his children, the barest trace of worry tinging his bright smile.

“Alright boys. Remember the rules now. What do you do if you get separated from the group?”

“Go back to the last place we saw you and wait.” Logan stated.

“Stick to places around other people.” Patton chimed in.

“Only talk to staff and security.” Roman boasted.

“Stay calm. You’ll come get us soon.” Virgil muttered, shifting uneasily, memories of the last time he had been separated from his family bouncing around his mind. Thomas’s worries all but evaporated. His smiled beamed even brighter, incredibly proud of his sons. He hoped they would never have to use those instructions, but he was nonetheless glad they memorized them.

“Alright, good. Everyone out now. Time for fun!” A small cheer rose out of the car as everyone clambered out. Thomas did a quick head count, including Marco in his numbers, before locking the car and leading everyone into the large building.

The children were captivated the moment they walked inside. They were just in the lobby, waiting in line to pay the Admission, but the swirling blues painted on the walls, the fake coral and seaweed scattered around the room, the wavering lights, the bubbly sounds emanating from hidden speakers, and the salty seawater smell infiltrating their nostrils made them all feel like they were at the bottom of the ocean. The simple awe with which his children were looking around made Thomas’s heart swell with love. Coming here was a great idea. After buying the tickets, the first thing they got to see was the entrance hall.

It was a glass tunnel, surrounded on all sides by a massive tank. They walked through slowly, enraptured by the oceanic beauty surrounding them. Small fish swam around them, a few starfish had latched onto the walls, and somewhere above them a shark drifted lazily by. All of the boys were awestruck, especially Virgil, who looked like he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the colors and shapes and gently dancing light filtering through the water. Then the tunnel opened up into the first main room and even Thomas felt his breath catch in his throat. The walls were tanks, each one slightly curving to make the room less angular and more fluid. There were some tanks also in the middle of the room as well. On one side, a huge whale skeleton dangled from the ceiling, on the other, a giant squid. The floor was made to resemble sand in appearance, and the walls looked and were textured like a coral reef. They stood for a moment, taking it in. Virgil eyes wouldn’t stay still, roving around trying to see everything all at once. Patton bounced on the balls of his feet, but thankfully didn’t run off. Logan was looking at all the informational plaques dotted around, feeling excited to read them all. Roman was staring, mouth agape, at the sheer size of the whale and squid.

“Are they really that big?” Roman breathed out.

“Sometimes bigger,” Joan responded, “But that’s average size.”

“Wow.” Thomas grinned, eyeing Patton’s restless form.

“Come on. There’s lots to see and we only have all day.”

They moved around the room slowly, taking everything in. Logan, with the occasional help from one of the grown-ups, read every single sign and poster. His reading skills were really exceling and, after a while, he started showing the others as well. They didn’t pick up on it very quickly, but everyone learned to recognize the name of their favorite animal. For Patton, that was most of them.

He had already declared a dozen times in that one room, “This one is my favorite.” Virgil liked the starfish, Roman enjoyed the sea turtles, and Logan adored the octopuses.

“They’re so smart, they can open a jar, while inside it!” Patton was giddy as the moved around, cooing at anything and everything that moved. At first, Roman had tried to press his face against the glass, hoping to see better, but Talyn had pulled him away.

“You’ll smudge the glass, then it’ll be even harder to see.” Virgil never spoke a word, but he didn’t have to. It was clear that he was absolutely enchanted by everything. It was also quiet. Thomas had intentionally chosen to come on a Tuesday, when most kids were in school and field trips would be uncommon. It took them a whole hour to move around the entire room.

After the first room, they went to the Imax, were they were playing a movie about marine life. It was their first time in an Imax and they were all excited when the screen came to life, little fishes flowing out of the screen so it seemed they were right in front of them. Logan pulled the glasses off, then put them back on, off again, on. “How is it doing that?”

“Sh. I’m not sure, but you can look it up when we get home.” Patton giggled, gaining their attention. He gestured at Virgil, who had his hands outstretched, grabbing at the fish that looked like they were right in front of them. Patton joined in, then Roman and Talyn, soon they were all sitting there, giggling as they tried to touch what wasn’t really there.

About 30 minutes later, the movie was nearing its end. It had been a fascinating and educational film, but Thomas came to wish he had looked into it more before-hand. He could have, should have asked one of the workers. He knew how Imax movies liked to play on the 3D effect. The movie ended with a 3 second clip of a giant shark swimming towards them, jaw stretched. Just as the mouth engulfed them, the lights went out. The others were fine, but the jump scare pulled a startled scream out of Virgil, who instantly curled up on the floor, terrified. Thomas cursed his own carelessness and got down beside his son. “Virgil? Virgil honey, it’s okay. Breathe for me buddy.” Thomas began counting the 4,7,8 rhythm. Virgil continued to tremble, but managed to breathe, as a worker came out.

“Is everything okay, sir?” Thomas nodded, glancing back at them, then Joan and Talyn leading the other three out of the theatre.

“The shark bit scared him, is all.”

“I am so sorry, sir. Is there anything I can do to help?” Thomas shook his head.

“It’s not your fault and Virgil doesn’t like strangers much. I know how to calm him down.” The worker nodded and walked away, ushering the remaining patrons out. “It’s okay Virgil. You’re okay. It was just a trick of the movie. Do you want to leave? I can carry you if you need me to.” Thomas struggled to pick up the others, but Virgil’s lack of interest in food made him a bit lighter than the others. Not unhealthy light, just not as heavy. Virgil shook his head, standing on shaky legs.

“I-I c-c-can wa-alk.” Even so, Thomas stood and offered his hand and Virgil clung to him tightly.

“I’ve got you. It’s okay.” Virgil became calmer as they left the darkened theatre. He still held tightly to Thomas as they left, but he stopped shaking. Thomas dropped their glasses in the return bin as they passed. By the time they joined the others, Virgil was ready to let go of his father.

“Thanks Thomas.” He said, giving the father one last squeeze as a hug. Thomas smiled.

“It’s what I’m here for kiddo. To keep you safe and help you grow. I love acting, but I think being your dad is the best job in the world.” He spoke loud enough that all his children heard. Patton came up and tackled Thomas in a hug.

“Aw, we love you, Dad.”

“I love you too. Now then, who’s ready for lunch?” They all had pizza at the food court before the next exhibit, Mysteries of the Dark Deep. Virgil had been nervous at first, but as soon as they walked in to a world of bioluminescent colors, he returned to silently marveling at everything. This room was much smaller than the first and they got totally through it in about half an hour, then the freshwater exhibit in about the same amount of time. The Great Barrier Reef exhibit was half fish tanks in one room, then a reef themed indoor playground in another. They spent about an hour in there. Thomas and Joan were too big, but Talyn was small enough to get away with following the kids onto the structure.

Finally, they got to the last exhibit, one Thomas remembered being his favorite. It was one of the two outside exhibits, the other being the Aquatic Show, which wasn’t playing today due to the tank being cleaned. That was okay. Thomas wasn’t sure how Virgil would react to large animals jumping out of the water and causing big splashes. No, the Tide Pools would be a much more enjoyable experience for all of them. “You guys are going to love this one. At this exhibit, you are allowed to dip your hands in the water and, gently,” Thomas stressed the word, “touch the animals.” Everyone’s eyes lit up and Roman immediately ran up to the rim of the pool. He plunged his hand in, causing a small splash.

“Here fishy, fishy, fishy.” Unfortunately, his actions were too fast and boisterous. Everything nearby scuttled and swam away, except for the sea star attached to the tank side. Roman wasn’t deterred and gently stroked the starfish. Patton and Logan had found a spot a few feet down. They managed to brush their fingertips against most of the passing creatures, running from Roman’s overzealous excitement. Then there was Virgil. He had moved further down than the others, slightly isolated from their group, but not so far away that Thomas was worried.

Thomas watched curiously as Virgil slowly dipped his hand into the water and held it still. After several moments, something moved. Appearing as if out of nowhere, but Thomas know it had just been hiding under the sand, a manta ray came up and brushed itself across Virgil’s fingers. Thomas watched the light spark in Virgil’s eyes as the ray swam against him again, and a third time. After the fourth pass, Virgil caught on and began to slowly stroke the ray, moving his hand with the flow of the water. Soon, other fish started coming out and even a crab scuttled by, allowing Virgil to trail his fingers down its shell. Virgil looked mesmerized by the animals and Thomas was mesmerized by him. Virgil was surprisingly very good with the animals. After a few minutes, the others came up. Roman asked what his secret was and Virgil showed him how. Thomas couldn’t keep the idiotic, loving grin off his face. Joan and Talyn came up to him.

“Coming here today was definitely a good idea.” They both agreed.

 Questions, Comments, Concerns, Criticism? Needs more tags? Just let me know.

[waiting4inspiration]

Hefna XI: Skapanir

Summary: It’s time to do the ritual. Ubbe tries to stop Ivar from going to watch this ritual.

Warnings: unrequited love, angst, fluff, strong language, ritual things, mentions of blood, it’s not a very long chapter

Word Count: 1,836

A/n: I just want to thank those who are not a big fan of this story for still reading it and for giving feedback. It really means so much to me that you’re still going on XD

Hefna Masterlist II Vikings Masterlist

You never fail to smile at how skillfully the men in your tribe put together a pyre for any ritual. Seeing the piled wood in the middle of camp makes your heart race in your chest. It’s not as great as the pyres that get built for big rituals, this being just a small one because of the time you have to plan this, but it still makes you a bit excited. 

You always get excited when there’s a ritual, and this ritual that involves you now only makes you more excited. You know it’s the reason behind the ritual that makes you so excited for tonight. 

Hearing someone riding into camp, you turn your head over your shoulder to see who it is and your smile falls off your face when you see Alke dismounting her horse with small tears in her eyes. You quickly move towards her, but when she sees you, she quickly turns away and rushes towards her tent. 

You follow her, keeping a neutral face as you pass those around you. And before you enter her tent, you hear a small sob from inside. Pushing open the flap aside, you find her discarding the beads she has taken off. “What happened? What’s wrong?” you softly ask, taking a small step forward when she turns to face you with an almost angry look on her face. 

“It is impossible to try and get Ivar away from thinking about you,” she mentions with a small sob, shaking her head as she looks away from you. “How could he love me in return if all he wants is you?” she mutters and you can tell she is sad. “It was foolish to think I could ever have something like that.”

“It is not foolish to love, Alke,” you quickly state, walking closer to her and making her look back at you. “Or to hope for love in return. And to have your heartbroken, it happens when love is involved,” you add, stepping closer to her and making her angered expression fall and soften as she turns her body to face you. 

She lets you take her hands and reach up to wipe a tear away from her cheek. “Has Estadir ever broken your heart?” she questions in a whisper, dropping her head between her shoulders to stare down at the ground. 

You smile to yourself, chuckle, and stroke the back of her hand with your thumb. She waits for your answer, slowly lifting her head to look at you, the glossy shimmer in her eyes that still has tears in them encourages you to answer her question. “In the beginning, before he knew of my love for him, he did a few times,” you say, giving her a gentle smile as you squeeze her hand. “And now…”

“Now, you two are inseparable,” she finishes for you, a smile growing on her face as you nod your head. She chuckles, glances down to stare at her hand in yours, and nods her head as she looks back up at you. “You will be an amazing mother.”

Perhaps it’s because you’ve been like a mother to the tribe for all these years. It’s been like practice. But something also tells you that raising a baby is much different than being a mother figure. 

Smiling to Alke, you lean forward to press a gentle kiss on her forehead before starting to back away from her. “I’m sorry this had to happen to you. But I promise you will find someone who will love you endlessly,” you whisper and she smiles at you. 

“I do not think I will find that kind of love here in Kattegat, with Ivar,” Alke mentions, and you know that she’s made her decision to stay with the family. And you respect those wishes just as you would have respected if she wanted to stay in Kattegat. 

Ivar can’t help his curiosity to see this ritual. Though he has half the mind to stop you and try and convince you that you don’t have to do a ritual like this, that everything will be fine without this ritual of yours. 

What he doesn’t expect is for Ubbe to be at the door of the Great Hall when he intends to leave. “Where are you going, Ivar?” he questions, pushing himself off the wall he had been leaning on and folding his arms over his chest as he walks towards Ivar. 

“That is none of your concern, brother,” Ivar sneers, heading to walk past Ubbe but he’s stopped when his brother places a hand on his shoulder. “Do not try and stop me.”

Ubbe raises an eyebrow at Ivar and lifts his hand, only to move in front of him when he tries to take a step forward. “I know you’re going to watch the ritual-”

“Then why are you in my way?”

“Because your people need you here. After your disappearance, they need you now hours before a battle,” Ubbe fights back, making Ivar roll his eyes and try to move past him again. “This is about (Y/n), isn’t it?”

That makes Ivar freeze and glare at his brother coldly. Shifting on his feet, Ubbe lifts his head confidently and takes a step backward. “She’s not your woman, Ivar. She has her own people to look out for, and so do you,” he adds, and Ivar doesn’t want to give in to these words. 

Sighing deeply, Ivar glances over Ubbe’s shoulder to look outside the Great Hall. It’s already starting to get dark. And even though he hates it, he knows that his brother’s words are true. He needs to be here tonight before the battle. 

And it will be the first night that he doesn’t spend with your people. A quiet night for him, even though he can hear the drums in the distance. He’ll focus on those drums, to stop him from thinking about what it is you and Estadir might be doing for this ritual. 

Normally, with this ritual, you and Estadir wouldn’t see each other until the both of you meet up at the roaring fire to receive a blessing from the oldest member of the tribe and good wishes on the beginning of your own family. You’d have signs painted of your skin in blood, share a drink with your lover, feast, and dance in front of the fire before leaving to your tent to carry out the most important part of the ritual. 

But, this is just a small ritual. You’d still receive the good wishes from the tribe and feast and dance, the only difference is that this is more like a normal night in the tribe. 

Estadir meets you at the entrance of your tent, smiles when he sees the blue paint on your face. It seems that has become your link to Virheia. But he likes it. He loves seeing you with paint on your face. In his mind, it’s like being in the presence of Virheia herself. 

“Are you ready, my love?” he asks, holding his hand out for you and you smile brightly as you place yours in his. 

You look out to the celebrating people, nod your head and breathe out a deep breath. “I’m ready,” you state, squeeze his hand and take a step forward with him. 

The moment you both step into the circle created by the tribespeople, a man shouts an announcement to both man and the Gods. The ritual can begin now. 

Praises to the Gods are sung in voices like gargling at the back of the throat to the rhythmic beating of drums. It’s a praise to them, and a prayer to accept what you and Estadir are about to offer. The drums beat only two repetitive beats, over and over again until it’s like a trance, like they’re calling forth the Gods you and Estadir are linked to. 

At the end of the praises and the calls, you hear the sound of screams, almost like one in pain. But you know this tells the story of what will happen. The screams; the ones that will be heard because of this war. It’s just one scream, but it sends a shiver through your body, and goosebumps erupt over your skin. 

You know the next part well and it sends you forward to join the woman dancing in front of the large pyre and soon, you’re chanting the words that have been taught to you when you were a child; the runes of these people, that which the Gods have gifted to humans. 

Estadir watches you lose yourself in the dance, offering yourself up the Gods. He watches as you move your hips to the rhythm, the drum beats vibrating through the floor and he starts to walk towards you when the beats softly die down. 

Those around you slowly step away, still keeping to the beat of the music. You turn around to face him, the look in your eyes makes a breath catch in the back of his throat. It’s the kind of look he’s pretty sure you intentionally used to grab his attention all those years ago. 

There’s another shout, one that echoes around the entire camp. The words are those of a victory, preparing for victory. Victory, in more than one way. 

He walks around you, circling you and running his eyes all over your body. He stares at the painting marks on your face and moves his gaze down to your bare feet on the grassy ground. 

You move towards him, reach out to touch his chest. His hands rest on your hips and he leans down to rest his forehead against yours, his body moving with yours to the calmer music now playing and the serene voice vocalizing to the skies. 

The drumbeat pickles up, his hands running up your sides and a gasp leaving your lips when he touches your skin. He growls as you tremble in excitement beneath him. Leaning forward, his lips just touch yours, teasing them with a kiss as his hand descends your body again. 

You know he’s not going to hold back on touching you how he wants to tonight, because you both know that everyone knows what you two will be doing when you leave this ritual. Why bother keeping it a secret? 

Still, he’s gentle with you. Gripping your hips, he finally presses his lips to yours and kisses you deeply making the cheers around you fade away. Your heart chooses to match its beat with that of the drums around you.

When he pulls away, the chant returns to your lips, and Estadir starts to speak them too. He cups your cheek, strokes it lovingly as he touches his nose to yours, a sign of affection when he can’t say it. 

If you could, you would leave with him right now and do the most important part of the ritual. But the night is far from over for either of you. 

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[somethingpoetichere]

BITE- A THEO RAEKEN IMAGINE

AN: First time I’m actually writing in forever. Be nice please lol! goddamn. Kinda intense I guess. Set in Season 5. Requested: “My name is Violet! Can I have a Theo imagine where I’m Jackson’s sister, and Theo’s the bad boy thats good only for you type of thing? And like, its kinda like Lydia and Aidan’s relationship but a happy ending? Angstyish please!” PAIRED WITH Theo prompt request- “Because then you might just have to admit that you like me.”

Kiss me on the mouth and set me free

Sing me like a choir

I can be the subject of your dreams

Your sickening desire

Don’t you want to see a man up close?

A phoenix in the fire

God damn whoever created Theo Raeken, you thought with a groan as the chimera in question leaned against the locker beside yours, a smirk hanging off his lips as he ran a hand through his infuriatingly perfect hair.

“In a rush, Whittemore?” He asked you, raising an eyebrow as he noted you furiously throwing books into your bag. His gaze strayed towards the brilliant purple bruises peeking out from underneath the collar of your tight grey turtleneck- souvenirs of the night you’d spent together- and you indignantly tugged your collar up as a mischievous grin lit up his face.

He cursed his regenerative abilities for healing the marks you had left on him too quickly…

“To get away from you? Absolutely.” You answered with a snort, not yet deigning to look at him. There was a sharp laugh from down the hall, and you huffed as you realized Liam was listening to your conversation. Ever since Theo had expressed an interest in you in the beginning of the year, the pack had been vigilant in keeping an eye on you at all times. 

What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them…

A look of mock-hurt crossed over his too perfect features, and he raised a hand to where his heart lie as if he was wounded. There was a teasing glint in his eyes, as if he enjoyed the theatric you two were putting on far too much. “That hurt, Vi.”

“Correction, Raeken. You need a heart for that, and I’m under the impression that you don’t have one.” You answered dryly, a glimmer of true iciness in your tone, and you continued to ignore the prying eyes of those in the hall as they watched you mercilessly tear into Theo. As the sister of Jackson Whittemore, you’d been subjected to the attention of nearly all of Beacon Hills’ male population, and they’d seen you harshly reject more than a few boys who thought you were shallow enough to fall for their games. Why would Theo Raeken be any different?

In all honesty, you had no clue.

Since he’d returned to Beacon Hills, Theo had been relentless in his pursuit of you. Not fully trusting the omega yet powerless when faced with his blinding smile and shameless flirting, you’d quickly fallen into a relationship that nearly mirrored that of Lydia and Aiden’s the year prior. It was all makeout sessions in empty classrooms and the back of the library, completely and totally a secret from the rest of your pack. This little scene was merely a ploy to throw the pack off your trail, but you knew you couldn’t keep something like this a secret for too long…

Which is why you were ending this little affair today. Sure, you wished Theo and the entire relationship could be different, but some things were just out of your hands, and you valued your pack far more than… whatever Theo was, really.

“Ouch.” Theo smiled at you, curiosity in his eyes as he caught the bite in your words. “What makes you think that?”

“You’ve never given me a reason to believe otherwise, Raeken.” You turned to him with a pointed look, something akin to frustration and exhaustion in your vibrant green eyes. 

“Let me prove you wrong.” He answered quickly, a sly and self satisfied expression on his face as he gently took the hand you’d been resting on your locker door, letting his lips graze across your knuckles with a smirk. Your breath caught in your throat, and your heart clenched as you wondered whether any seemingly heartfelt gesture the boy had shown you was sincere. “Can I take you out tonight?”

“No, you can’t take me out tonight.” You answered immediately, ripping your hand out of his grasp with a forced smile. “In fact, you can take me out never.”

“I’m sure you need some time to rethink it.” He shot you that damned half smirk, and it took all of your strength to keep your heart beat steady.

“Don’t take it personally, T… Actually please do take it personally. You’re sort of an asshole.” You directed a bright, sarcastic smile his way before closing your locker door, turning on your heel, and strutting off in the opposite direction.

“You’ll change your mind!” He called after you as you turned, walking backwards with a smirk on your face.

“When hell freezes over.” You mock saluted him, turning back around and rolling your eyes as Liam fell into step beside you.

“That can be arranged!” He grinned, resting back against the locker as he watched you stride off with effortless grace and poise. 

Damn, if only you knew what you did to him…

So kiss me on the mouth and set me free

But please don’t bite

You sighed as you rested your head in your hands, exhausted from attempting to conquer the stack of homework before you and more than a little annoyed at the chimera sitting across the library from you. 

His presence was incredibly distracting, and the smirks he’d been sending your way certainly weren’t helping. Even now, as your eyes peered up from your hands, you noted his gleaming eyes trained intently on you and a brilliant smile on his face. 

Damn him.

Truthfully, you didn’t know what drew you to the chimera. All you knew was that he was frustratingly gorgeous and you hated whatever it was that made your heart beat faster whenever he was around.

“Can I help you?” You called across the library dryly, knowing the librarian had already left for lunch and you were relatively alone with Theo.

Unfortunately.

“More like how can I help you, babygirl?” He shot back, that damned smirk toying on his lips. You cursed yourself internally for acknowledging his presence, knowing it would only end with you even more frustrated than before.

“And what on earth do you mean by that, Raeken?” You retorted disinterestedly as your rose from your seat, a book in your arms detailing a greek myth you’d grown rather intrigued by as of late.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you staring at me, Violet.” He whispered huskily in your ear, his sudden appearance behind you sending a surprised jolt through your body. A strong hand rested on your waist as you reached up to retrieve a book, which he collected easily with his free hand and placed in your grasp. “And don’t lie. You may be able to fool everyone else, but I know.”

You whirled around in his arms, chin raised defiantly as he backed you against the bookshelf. His left hand rested on the bare skin that had been exposed by your top rising slightly, and his right was placed on the shelf beside your head, trapping you in his arms.

(You hated yourself for the way your heart started to race faster and the blush that was surely making its way to your face)

“Look, we can’t do this anymore, Raeken.” You sighed tiredly, noting the surprise that flickered in his eyes. “I can’t keep a secret like this from my pack. It’s tiring, and they don’t trust you-”

“Do you trust me?” He challenged, enjoying the way your heartbeat skipped and breathing hitched as he slid his hand a little higher up on your waist. Damn, did he love the way your felt in his arms. He leaned in, lips hovering over your ear. “Huh, babygirl?”

“Why does it matter if I do, when the people I trust the most don’t? Besides, you know it’s not that simple.” You replied with a raised eyebrow, raising your hands up to rest on his chest. His heartbeat thudded erratically beneath your touch, and the hint of a genuine smile played on your lips. “Looks like you do have a heart after all, Raeken.”

A real smile, albeit a sad one, replaced his smirk, and you watched in concealed awe as he visibly softened. Your skin tingled where his fingertips lay, and the hand he’d been resting on the shelf moved to gently caress your face. “It could be that simple.”

Your heartbeat thudded erratically as he brushed a stray strand of hair behind your ear, his lips gently pressing against yours. You found yourself unable to push him away, far too intoxicated by his touch. He bit down softly on your bottom lip, and you dropped the book he’d given you as your hands moved to entangle themselves in his hair.

Stiles’ distinct voice rang through the library, and you suddenly realized the compromising position you and Theo were in. You quickly pulled back, sighing as you shook your head at the look of confusion in Theo’s eyes. You ducked underneath Theo’s arms, shooting an apologetic look his way.

“Nothing is ever simple in Beacon Hills, T.”

You can coax the cold right out of me

Drape me in your warmth

The rapture in the dark puts me at ease

The blind eye of the storm

Let’s go for a walk down Easy Street

Where you can be reborn

You slugged down another shot, the deafening music fading to a dull roar around you as the alcohol momentarily dulled your senses.

You groaned as the sensation faded and your ears were attacked yet again with the awful music, and you cursed your supernatural inability to get hammered and Brett for dragging you here yet again.

“Wingman duties again?” Hayden asked with a playful sympathetic smile as she placed another shot in front of you, and you laughed at your current state of misfortune.

“Sadly.” You responded, eyeing the neon colored shot glass wistfully. “Brett has bad taste in both men, women, and clubs.”

Hayden laughed, a loud, cheerful sound that brought a smile to your face. She was a sweet girl, and didn’t belong working in a seedy club like Sinema. Truthfully, you supposed it was less of a club and more of a beacon for underage drinkers and trouble.

Speaking of trouble, you thought as a familiar blue eyed boy took a seat next to you at the bar and sent a longing look your way. “What an unpleasant surprise. Theo, meet the lovely Hayden Romero, and Hayden, meet Trouble.”

You grinned at the girl, downing your shot before slipping her a few twenties and sliding off your bar stool, not missing the grateful smile she sent you. “Trouble, I think I’m in the mood to dance.” You declared, before turning to look at Hayden. “If you need a ride or if someone messes with you, Romero, you let me know.”

You winked at her, grabbing Theo’s arm as you moved towards the crowded dance floor. “Funny seeing you here. Following me now, Raeken?”

“Nothing you can prove.” He responded, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “You look good, babygirl.” He placed his hands on your back and pulled you closer to him, and you began to sway to the music. His close proximity reminded you of a similar position you’d been in with him just hours ago in the library, and you involuntarily shivered.

“Touché.” You replied in a whisper, your hands moving up to rest themselves on the back of his neck. Your breath caught in your throat as Theo leaned down to whisper in your ear, and you internally cursed him.

“You know, that dress would look even better on my floor.” He teased in a deep, husky voice. You shivered again, and he pulled you so that your chest was pressed against his.

“And it would look fabulous shoved down your windpipe.” You breathed out, already feeling what little was left of your willpower begin to crumble.

Damn him.

“Sounds kinky. Didn’t know you were into that kind of thing, Vi.” Theo smirked down at you, a determined look in his eyes as his hands moved to grip your hips.

“Guess you don’t know that much about me after all.” You shrugged, turning to grind against him as you continued to sway to the beat of the music.

His hands roamed your hips, pulling you closer and closer to him as he trailed slow, teasing kisses along your shoulder and up your neck from behind you. “I know you better than anyone, Vi.”

“Is that so?” You questioned breathlessly as he forcefully turned you around and nodded at you, that same heartbreakingly damning smirk on his lips.

 “And I think you’re afraid to say that you know me better than anyone too.” Theo challenged, his large hands moving to caress your face.

“Now why would I be afraid of that?” You retorted, moving so that your hands were entangled in his perfectly mussed dark hair.

His beautiful eyes were trained intently on your own, as if you were the only person in the room. “Because then you might just have to admit that you like me.”

And then his lips were on yours, and you could barely keep your thoughts straight enough to curse him for knowing you so well after all.

And kiss me on the mouth and set me free

But please, don’t bite

The next morning, you found yourself tucked into Theo’s arms, in Theo’s bed, with Theo’s shirt on.

Again.

He was warm as always, his muscled arms wrapped around you and attempting to pull you closer instinctually as you adjusted yourself to look at him properly.

Propped up on one arm, you gently traced the features of his face- his strong, pronounced jawline, his sharp cheekbones, his soft, pouty lips, his brow bone, his nose…

He was truly beautiful, you thought to yourself, with features so perfect that he could only have been sculpted by the gods themselves. He looked almost innocent when he was sleeping- so peaceful, so undisturbed by the world around them.

“That tickles.” Theo murmured softly, voice raspy. He slowly peeked open his blue eyes to look at you, framed by long, dark lashes, and you wondered how the devil himself could look so goddamn angelic.

“Sorry.” You smiled gently at him, moving to pull your hand back.

“No, it feels nice.” Theo protested, his hand placing your hand back on his cheek. He smiled sleepily at you, leaning further into your touch. 

“You look so beautiful like that.” Theo stated simply as your hand traced his cheekbone.

“Like what?” You asked softly, giggling as he grabbed you by the waist and pulled you on top of his bare chest.

“Like this. No makeup on, no worries. All sleepy and smiling. With me, in my arms. I could spend the rest of my life waking up to this.” He smiled up at you softly.

“Don’t toy with me, Theo.” You sighed, your hands resting on his chest. “It’s not funny.”

“Toy with you?” Theo asked, grabbing your hands on his chest. “Vi, you’re not a game to me. This was never a game.”

“Then what is this, Theo?” You asked in confusion, moving off of him as you jumped out of the bed. He shot out of the bed after you, clearly unfazed by the fact that he was in nothing but a thin pair of briefs, running his hands through his hair in frustration.

“I don’t think you get it, Vi. I like you. I maybe could even love you, if you gave me the chance to.” He explained, the stark honesty in his eyes throwing you off guard.

“Excuse me if I don’t believe this!” You half-yelled, half-laughed in frustration. “If you liked me so much, then why all the games with my pack? Why all the lying? How do I know what anything you’re saying is true right now, and not just another elaborate scheme? Why the trouble?”

“Because I’m trying to keep you safe!” He screamed.

You froze.

“Look, Vi.” Theo whispered, taking your hands in his gently. What could’ve been tears were pooling in his eyes, a certain air of vulnerability surrounding him. “I love you- I do. There, I said it. I love you so much that it physically pains me every time I watch you leave. And I’m doing whatever whatever I can to keep you safe- to keep as much danger as I can away from you. And if that means playing games with your pack, if it means keeping the doctors busy and uninterested in you, if it means putting myself in the line of fire, then goddamn it, I am going to do it. I cannot lose you, Vi.”

There were tears streaming down your face as you choked down a sob, Theo softening even further as he gently brushed the tears from your face.

“I know you don’t know whether to believe me or not.” He whispered, taking your face in his hands. “I haven’t given you much reason to trust me. But I have never meant anything more in my life when I say that I love you, Violet.”

“I love you too, damn it.” You choked out through the tears as you punched him in the chest. “I hate you so much, but I can’t stop loving you.”

Theo grabbed your hands before you could hit him again, pulling you into him and capturing your lips in a kiss so intense that your head spun.

He released your hands to grasp your hips, your own hands moving to roam his chest. He moaned into the kiss, pulling back to whisper against your lips. “I love you.” He continued to whisper every so often, pushing you against the wall.

“I love you.”

Aah, I’m pulling on your heart to push my luck

Aah, cause who’s got any time for growin’ up?

“I love you.” Theo whispered in the middle of the night, lips pressed against your shoulder. You sighed contentedly in your sleep, moving closer to the warmth beside you.

It was true- Theo loved you more than anything in this world. But he had meant what he said when he was going to do anything and everything in his power to keep you safe. To protect the one light in his life from the darkness that had consumed the rest of it.

And as he reluctantly slipped out of your arms, smiling slightly at the frown that overtook your lovely features, he promised you that he would never, ever let anything happen to you.

Even if it meant you learning to hate him.

But you would never hate the blue eyed boy- even if he brought down the rest of the world to keep you safe. You couldn’t.

That bit of darkness in Theo knew that you couldn’t- latched on to the fact that no matter what he did his quest to keep you safe, in his mad venture for power, that so long as your pack remained safe, you would always be there at the end of the night. You would always kiss away the pain, the darkness, the anger.  

Theo slipped out of his room, out of his house, into his truck, and began driving to the doctor’s lair across town. The radio had been left on your favorite station- the song you’d always hum just beginning. Theo smiled as he pulled out of his driveway, knowing that in just a few hours, he’d be back in your arms and you’d be none the wiser. After all, the devil never really could earn his way back into heaven.

You were the devil’s very own angel- his sole weakness.

And Theo Raeken was, as he always had been, the fault in your stars.

[ellana-ravenwood]

Shaky steps and bad teaching - Bruce Wayne x Reader

8. “Come over here— oh crap no don’t fall— why does this always happen ?”

OH MY GOD YES THIS IS TOO CUTE !! , I really hope you’ll like it, (and for once, I’m not going to say it’s “meh”, even though I think it’s VERY “MEH”…Wait…oh damn…Ok, once again, I feel like I didn’t do justice to this awesome prompt…I’m sorry if you’re disappointed, really :/, I shouldn’t write when tired lalalalalala and I’m also sorry for being sorry and always so weirdly insecure, dudes, I have problems haha) oh, and my writing adore you :

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

_______________________________________________________________________

Sometimes, Bruce had to pinch himself to make sure everything was real. To make sure he wasn’t just having a really good dream.

He never thought, with the life he decided to lead, he would have all of this. After his parents’ death, it never even crossed his mind that he could be that happy ever again, that he could have a family again. And yet…

Yet you entered his life. Right at the moment Dick did too. At the right time in his life, when he was in the deepest darkest pit he ever been in…You got him out of it, with your smiles and your “I’m not taking any of your shit, stop complaining and be strong dude” persona…and you made him realized that all he was craving for was love, and a family. He begun to hope for a better future when you came in, when Dick became his son, and when he understood how much Alfred meant to him, when he finally saw him for what he really was : his second father.

Jason quickly followed your arrival, and he called him “son” too, naturally.

Tim joined you all a bit later, his favorite little nerd. Three children. He couldn’t believe it.

Then Damian, even if at the beginning it was difficult, the boy came around, and thanks to you changed drastically, making the same realization his father had years earlier : all he wanted was a family, and to be loved.

And finally, a little bit less than a year ago…Thomas was born. It was your idea to name him after Bruce’s father, and he almost cried when you suggested it to him…That kid was the one he least expected to be part of his life. Passed forty years old now, he just never imagined it could happen, and he kinda gave up a long time ago the idea of raising a child from birth. He never felt the need to either, he already had his boys, they were definitely sufficient. He loved them…Besides, you tried to have a child together, but you never got pregnant. “Sterile”, that’s what the doctors called you. And it was ok, you already had four wonderful boys...Until one day, a miracle happened. Thomas. A child that shouldn’t be born, and yet here he was in his arms right now.

Bruce and you made sure that your other sons understood Thomas’ birth didn’t change anything. You still loved them all the same. You were still there for them. Nothing could ever change your feelings towards them (and he proved it a lot in the past, in accepting even Jason and his murderous ways…).

You both didn’t expect though, that your sons wouldn’t feel an ounce of jealousy. Not even Damian. On the contrary. They were all so excited and delighted ! Especially Damian, actually, who was just too happy not to be “the baby” anymore (little did he know that he was always gonna be your baby…They were all always gonna be your babies). He was particularly waiting for the days he could be The Batman, and his little brother his Robin…You definitely didn’t look forward to that. And you cherished every moments you saw your two youngest playing together, like normal children. 

Yes, sometimes, Bruce had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t having a pleasant dream, and everything was real. The deep love he felt for you, his sons, and Alfred was sometimes too strong for him to handle and…A small hand pinching his nose brought him back from his daydream.

Thomas. Sweet and cheerful little boy. He looked exactly like Bruce when he was his age, except for his eyes, he had your (E/C) orbs. Other than that, it was like a mini-Bruce…The Wayne genes were strong, as Bruce also looked a lot like his father, and except for his dark skin and green eyes, Damian was also a mini-Bruce…However, he might look like him physically, but if his constant smile and littles laughs were any indication, he was going to be like you mentally.

And that was good. If there was one thing he did not wish to teach his son, to transmit to him, it was his broodiness, his lack of tact, his harshness etc etc…Instead, he wanted to give him exactly what you taught him. Because only thanks to you was he able to say the right words to his sons when they struggled with life, he was able to hug them and give them soothing kisses on their foreheads (even though they mostly seek your help in general). No, he didn’t wanna teach him those bad things…another pinch on his noce from his toddler and he was back again in reality. And what he actually wanted to teach him today came back to his mind. He was suppose to put his son to sleep for his afternoon nap, but another idea came to his mind. And after all, the kid definitely didn’t look tired...

-Hey my little one, so, are you ready ? Today’s the day.

Thomas seemed to understand, as he raised his hands above his head and made sounds in his cute baby language.

-Yeah right ? You’re almost 11 months old, you’re definitely ready !

A laugh and a wiggle of his little legs answered him. Bruce winked at him, and the boy gave him the brightest smile ever…it made Bruce’s heart’s beat like crazy. Damn he loved that kid.

He put him on the floor in the corridor they were in, his back against the wall, next to a chair he could use as support.

-Come on Tommy, you can do it. Here, take a hold of the chair, I’m going to let go of you now OK ?

Thomas doesn’t seem at all bothered by the fact his father’s hand are not helping him up anymore, he has the chair, it’s definitely enough. Still, he shifts a bit on his legs and it’s clear his balance is not the greatest yet.

Bruce takes a few steps back, and sit on the floor in front of his baby son, at the other side of the corridor. His arms flung in front of him, as an invitation for the boy, and as soon as Thomas’ eyes focus on his dad, he lets out a loud giggle, and turn his body toward him, ready to try and take his first steps. He takes one…and falls head first. But he’s a Wayne, and his reflex kicks in, he puts his hand in front of him and avoid the faceplant.

He doesn’t cry, instead, he wiggles on the floor back towards the chair on all fours, and helps himself up once more. Bruce didn’t move, determined to let the kid learn some stuffs on his own.

-Good, good boy. You’re amazing you know that ? Look at you already back on your feet all by yourself, without dada’s help. Now come on, let’s try again !

*****************

Two hours later :

Thomas had the Wayne stamina and stubborness, it was clear already. No matter how many time he crashed on the floor, he kept going back up, and tried again…without much success.

-Alright, come on Thomas, this time you’re going to do it ! Come to dada, come on little...

Thud. The toddler falls on the floor a bit harder than before, and sits down, his lips starting to turn into a frown. Bruce walks on all four toward him, and take him in his arms, hugging him against his heart. 

-It’s ok munchkin’, walking is difficult to learn. I can’t remember myself when I learned, I was too young, just like you right now my baby boy, but...Oh ? You already wanna try again ? That’s my boy, I’m so proud of you kiddo !

Thomas looks...Smugly at his father ? Oh my god does he already have the “bat-smirk” down ? Yeah, he totally does ! That little almost 11 months old boy, walking on all four back to the chair to try and walk again, is giving his father his own trademark smirk ! Haha, Bruce wished you were here right now, to see him too, and share his pride. 

Tom gets ready once again to have a go at walking, and turns to his father. 

-Alright, great. Come over here champ, one step at a time and...oh crap no don’t fall. Why does this always happen ?

-Maybe because he’s not even one yet, and his balance is dodgy as Hell if not non-existent ?

At the sound of your voice, your husband jumps, startled, and your son burst out in laughter, smiling at you. He crawls to you, and you bent down…

-Wait, don’t pick him up, we’re doing good progress here ! Let him get back up on his ow…OOoooh honey ! Come on !

You didn’t listen to your husband, and picked your son up from the floor. Immediately, his hands go to pat your face, and his smile makes your day brighter.

-Hello you, is your father torturing you with training already ?

-Dada, dada ! Alk ! Alk ! baboom !

Thomas is pointing at his father excitedly, then at the chair, and then at the floor, where you could very clearly see marks of his fallings in the carpet.

-Bruce !

-What ? He’s fine as you can see.

-How long have you been trying to force him to walk ?

-Teach him, I’m teaching him, I don’t force him.

-Yeah, alright, sorry honey, teach him how to walk ?

-Two hours…

He might have just mumble, but you understood. And you whacked him lightly on the shoulder. 

-Tw…You were suppose to put him to bed for his afternoon nap !

-I know but I thought trying a bit couldn’t do any harms ! And them he kept going and smiling and…

-Crashing ?

-That too…but he didn’t hurt himself.

At your husband’s sorry expression, you soften a bit. You understand him, really. He wants to be a good father, and sometimes, he gets carried away…You look at your son, who’s still smiling (as usual), and then at Bruce.

-…Alright, how much progress did he do ?

Excitedly, Bruce stands back up, takes Thomas from your arms, kisses you on the lips (you were pretty sure you heard your son say : “ewww”, but he was too young for that right ?), and he settles him back against the wall, next to the chair. It was so refreshing to see Bruce so excited, as if he was the little boy...

Your son’s seems more steady than last time you saw him standing up, holding something for support. His legs weren’t shaking much anymore, and he was holding himself up almost without moving from side to side, unbalanced. He turned his body toward you two, who went to sit in front of him.

He made one step, one of his hand still holding the chair, and looked at you with a proud expression on his face. You smiled at him, encouraging him.

He lets go of the chair, and takes four quick steps before crashing in his father’s arms, who came closer, knowing what was going to happen.

-Did you see that ! Did you see that ! He can almost walk ! He like, made four big steps before loosing his balance ! Did you see it !

Sitting on the floor, Thomas in his laps, you can’t help but smile widely at your husband. Damn he was cute when he wanted to be. Actually, whenever he was with his children, he was often cute. With you, he was beyond cute. Some would say “cheesy”.

-Yes I saw my love, I saw.

-He’s amazing right ?!

-Like his father.

-No, like his mother.

-Mama !

-See, he agrees with me…

You walk on all four towards them, and sit next to your gigantic husband, and your still tiny son. You give your boy an eskimo kiss, and your Bruce a peck on the lips. He smiles stupidly at you. You turn back you your little one : 

-Good job baby boy, you are amazing.

Thomas giggles, and grabs your hand. With his free hand he grabs one of his father’s and he does the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. He squeezes both of your hand on his chest, hugging them. You and Bruce melt. Damn that boy.

You turn to face your husband, and in his eyes, you can only see happiness, awe and love..it is so rare to see him so carefree, that you can’t help but kiss lovingly his cheek. He turns at the last second, and instead of his cheek, your lips crash on his for a deep and loving kiss…interrupted by your son putting his small arms in between your faces. You both turn to look at him…he’s showing the chair. Wow. You smile, as Bruce puts him back against the wall.

-Still though, four little steps in two hours of work, you’re such a bad teacher honey.

-You think you could do better ?

-I know I can do better.

-Oh yeah ? Then go ahead, try.

You sit a bit closer than where Bruce sat so far, and raise your arms.

-Come on Tommy, come over.

Your son, shaky steps, achieve the small space between you and him. And as the minutes go by, you shift further away from him bits by bits, until he walks across the corridor (minded, it was only about eight baby steps), and you turn a smug face to your husband. Still he falls each time at some point, but he still made more steps with you.

-Thirty minutes of work, and he covered twice as much ground than he made in two hours with you.

-Oh shut up.

-ut up ! Ut up !

-Wait no, don’t say that Thomas !

-Ut up ! UT UP !!

***************

That day, your son almost learned how to walk (as eight very quick steps were his maximum before falling down on the floor), but he also learned his first “swear words”, and the next day, when Bruce shows Damian his little brother’s progress in walking, and Damian laughs a bit as Thomas fall head first on the floor…The little boy turns to his older sibling and, with a pouty expression, says :

-Ut up !

Yes. Definitely, he looked like you mentally. Not letting people walk on his feet, and not liking being made fun of. Damian is stunned, as everyone in the family burst out laughing.

You feel your husband’s arm snake around your waist to bring you closer to him, and you snuggle in his side, getting on your tip-toe to kiss his jaw.

Bruce Wayne would never have thought that after his parents’ death, he could feel so happy again. He wished though, that his children wouldn’t grow up so fast, and seeing Damian helping Thomas walking around the Manor made his heart tightened a bit because…Your lips on his neck bring him back from his daydream, and he decides not to worry further. His life is already too complicated, he could allow himself some truly carefree moments sometimes, enjoying his family. He kissed you, and under the many “eeeeew” from your sons (including Thomas this time, you were sure of it), you just smile.

God he loved you all too damn much.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------

"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.*         2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.*                         between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.*              3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.*  2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.*  either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).*  3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars