#i love them so much and i am in pain
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#ineffable idiots
#i am not choosing sides they're both idiots who need to communicate better#and i love them so much#its for the character development ok#good omens#good omens 2#go2 spoilers#ineffable husbands#aziracrow#aziraphale#crowley#goodomensedit#dailygoodomens#ineffable partners#it was not funny just gotta laugh through the pain#myedits*#10k
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So.
Act 5, huh?
Oh, and that.
"You can start breakdown now."
Finished the game couple of days ago and had some thoughts I needed to process a little. Like. Yes.
So anyway I actually didn't plan this and just wanted to redraw some sprites to just make sure I understand how to draw Siffrin correctly (still working on that!)
What did I learn from this? How fun it it to draw on a canvas that literally doesn't let you draw with colors without some layer cheating when necessary. Never tried it.
The beans. Sleeping beans.
Basically what happens when you want to sleep AND draw. Draw characters sleeping on your behalf.
Doesn't help, but at least it's cute.
I have no idea what was going on in my mind as I drew this. Feels like a fever dream of 'I want to sleep' at 4 am and 'Hm...' of thinking random things
Also that phone craft sign. Still too funny to imagine. I had to.
#fanart#sketch#my art#isat spoilers#isat#siffrin#siffrin isat#isat loop#in stars and time#I also tried to draw the Party too! But that one sketch is too rough yet!#And I'll probably never post it it was fun to draw them tho#Anyway I had /thoughts/ playing Act 5#Not great ones too! I would rather they stayed where I would never even know they exist#But I had to while playing so I did#So it took some time to just sit with everything also I spend a lot of time just doing achievements#One left! The annoying one.#NG+ is fun too#I'm still surprised by how much I enjoyed it#Like 'staying until 6 am playing 10 hours straight' kind of enjoyed#From 'hm I wonder what's it about' to 'yeah I cried multiple times so I think it's allowed to live in my head too'#I got sick multiple times on related and unrelated reasons while playing and planning to play that wasn't fun#Anyway it's cool have some sketches because I couldn't stop drawing last night#I love drawing characters being emotionally in pain but that requires specific mood and music to go with#And not overdoing it#Like when drawing first one 'Aishite' was on loop the whole time#It's b&w too! Red layers are added with 'paste' magic love that
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Assisting Acquaintance Acquired.
[First]Ā PrevĀ <ā-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#Ignore how Wen Ning's hair looks here because I messed it up. Let's pretend he just sported a different hair style for a brief moment.#I am not exactly great at consistency but I am trying very hard to work on that (immediately messes up again).#Absolutely *love* how Wen Ning clearly remembers and admires WWX...who does *not* recognize him.#This is the best day for Wen Ning and it means *nothing* to WWX. A painful one-sided crush made worse.#It is bittersweet to realize that we care about someone more than they care about us. Sometime we pour love into a relationship-#-with someone who just can't reciprocate. It isn't always a conscious things either. Some people just aren't aware we care.#And painfully - so painfully - You can't make them aware. No act of kindness or gift or self sacrifice will make someone care about you.#You can martyr yourself for someone and they will continue on unchanged.#I think a lot about the parallels between WN and LWJ. Not foils - just reflections. A theme repeated.#People who give so much of themselves to someone who doesn't have the capacity to give any part of themself away.#I will die on the hill of 'Wen Ning would be the love triangle romance if that trope wasn't being avoided'.#And to be honest - thank the stars above that is the case. I do not know any good love triangles in media.#We are skipping some of the sad Jiang Cheng content because I really want to finish season 2 before May.#Sorry JC emo moment lovers...I'll deliver another time.
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I have a lot of leftover drawings in my gallery. [Blank Scripts AU]
[Content Warning: Images below contain Gore, Death, and Disturbing/Uncomfortable Imagery]
I find it a bit cute knowing they start out as crazy and then slowly settle into something calmer and relatively healthier after learning to adapt to each other's lust-turned-love. [Stanley did it first but hey :3]
#tsp blank scripts au#they love each other [genuinely] theyd rather die if theyre to go without each other by this point#hhmmm I hope the last few images arent too damning#These two go through a lot during the progression of their relationship#and I wanted to showcase that yknow?#theyre demented but theyre just perfect for each other kind of way#lovingly tearing each other apart and rebuilding each other to do it over and over again#repeating this dull process of endings over and over and finding ways to keep themselves entertained#this place was never even meant to be fun#but now that theyve gotten entangled with each other#they cant help but want to play around#even if its just for a little bit?#work can continue later right?#they love each other a little bit too much they actually need to be put in a separate cage#like a spider and a praying mantis#is it painful? yes. is it fun? also yes. do they like doing it only to each other and nobody else? YES.#their psych is genuinely so fun to explore and dissect#I had a lot of fun making these despite how deranged they look#something about them.... it drives both to do things they would never even consider doing to anybody else... but towards each other#you know what i mean? or am i just yapping nonsense again.#horror#the stanley parable#the stanley parable ultra deluxe#tsp#tspud#tsp au#tsp narrator#narrator tsp#stanley tsp#tsp stanley
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more ruin doodles because it has ruined my ability to be normal
#I am in so much pain I love them I want Roxy to adopt her#fnaf#fnaf fandom#fnaf fanart#art#fnaf art#video games#fnaf security breach#ruin dlc#dlc#fnaf dlc#traditional art#ruin spoilers#fnaf sb#security breach#roxanne wolf#fnaf cassie#ruin cassie
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Apollo/Lester would absolutely cup faces of his children/his loved ones into his so warm hands and kiss them in the forehead.
And Meg. She is his honorary little sister.
(Oh, and he would cup the ash that was left of Asclepius, his beautiful son with kind hands; and I am so sorry I didn't save you, I triedā, and put it near his heart, shaking in grief and despair).
(And Hyacinthus while he was bleeding out. Apollo would cup his face into his trembling hands that were stained with blood, weeping and murmuring over and over and his love would be fine - you will liveā - and that everything is going to be okay.
And Apollo kissed him on the forehead, ignoring his love's glassy eyes.)
#lester papadopoulos#meg mccaffrey#sunflower siblings#toa#greek mythology#apollo x hyacinthus#hyacinthus#i chose pain#i am sorry#asclepius#apollo loved/loves them all so much
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one of my favourite aspects of supernatural that you very rarely see in paranormal shows is that sam and dean are already versed in the world they live in. thereās no sudden discovery of ghosts and demons and now they have to learn about them along with the audience; they are born into it and already know all about it. it allows the audience to follow their personal story instead of also trying to figure out this new world and its rules
the first season is full of knowledge we never see them learn; āw*ndigoes are in the minnesota woods or- or northern michigan. iāve never even heard of one this far west.ā [ā¦] āgreat. well then this [his gun] is useless.ā (1x02), āyou donāt break a curse. you get the hell out of its way.ā (1x08), d: āitās a god. a pagan god, anyway.ā [ā¦] āthe annual cycle of its killings? and the fact that the victims are always a man and a woman. like some kind of fertility right.ā [ā¦] s: āthe last meal. given to sacrificial victims. d: āyeah, iām thinking a ritual sacrifice to appease some pagan god.ā (1x11)
almost every episode in the first season is a monster theyāve faced before that they then explain to the audience in a way that should feel patronising; like itās the same speech given over and over again but instead, the audience almost feels included in the knowledge. itās stated with such an innate confidence and comfort in said knowledge that it feels like we already knew it too; āspirits and demons don't have to unlock doors. if they want inside, they just go through the walls.ā [ā¦] āthe claws, the speed that it moves; could be a skinwalker, maybe a black dog.ā (1x02), āit's biblical numerology. you know noah's ark, it rained for forty days. the number means death.ā (1x04), āno no no, not the reaper, a reaper. there's reaper lore in pretty much every culture on earth, it goes by 100 different names.ā [ā¦] āyou said it yourself that the clock stopped, right? reapers stop time. and you can only see 'em when they're coming at you which is why i could see it and you couldn't.ā (1x12)
they already know and, at least in the first season, already have what they need to kill whatever theyāre hunting; already know to salt and burn bones for spirits, fire for a w*ndigo, exorcisms for demons, a silver bullet to the heart for shapeshifters. thereās only three times in the entire first season that they run into something new to them; 1x14 when sam gets his first vision that leads him to another psychic, 1x16 when dean calls caleb for help on the sigil he put together and he tells him about daevas, and 1x20 when they find out vampires are real- and they only donāt know that bc john thought they were hunted to extinction and not worth mentioning
(thereās also technically two half instances if you count one of them knowing something the other doesnāt - sam figuring out the tulpa in 1x17 and dean already knowing about the shtriga in 1x18 - but those still rely on sam and dean having prior knowledge)
even when theyāre uncertain about facing something, itās not bc they donāt know what it is; itās precisely bc they know what it is and acknowledge that itāll be a difficult hunt (āi don't know, man. this isn't our normal gig. i mean, demons, they don't want anything, just death and destruction for its own sake. this is big. and i wish dad was here.ā 1x04)
so much of the tension in paranormal shows typically comes from the main character(s) not knowing what is happening to them/the people around them and having to find out how to resolve it. supernatural is unique in that it operates more like a police procedural. the tension comes from solving the clues and identifying patterns to figure out who (what) the killer is and intercepting before they can take another victim
itās such a different tone to go for when compared to other shows that came both before, during, and after its run. it sets sam and dean on even footing with each other since they both have the same knowledge going in, and it puts them in a place of authority usually reserved for an outside character
the shows i compare spn to most is charmed, buffy and teen wolf; every main character in those shows are brought into the paranormal world knowing nothing, putting them on the same level as the audience, and they have their mc interact with others already knowledgeable about that world in order to overcome their problem/monster of the week. the audience organically learns about this new world as the characters learn about it. itās a sound writing strategy that prevents āas we already knowā-style exposition but something that complicates it is if your world building isnāt unique or intriguing enough, this slow introduction can become boring
weāve seen shows like these before; sitting through the same tropes of characters learning to use their powers, struggling with no longer feeling normal/relating to the regular world around them, and not knowing how much they can trust the people already involved in this new world gets repetitive. all three shows eventually reach the same level of comfort with their new world that spn starts with but if the characters arenāt enough to draw you in, you can end up dropping it before they reach that point (and often, before the overarching plot can really kick in and evolve the show beyond the villain of the week format)
itās the superhero origin movie in tv format; dragged out and overplayed. dropping the audience into an established world of course comes with its own problems but you also have the benefit of pre-existing established character dynamics that let the audience slot in like theyāve always been there instead of just getting to know all the characters while the characters also get to know each other
sam and dean already knowing about the supernatural lets the audience immediately get to the core of the story; the conflict between sam and dean, the search for their father, and the mystery of what killed their mother
#i could go on forever theres literally so many examples#dean figuring the ātwo dark doublesā is a shapeshifter sam figuring out the changing ghost is a tulpa#also peak how many of these examples come from dean despite them pushing so hard for sam to be the one knowing hunting theory#this format is why i cant stand watching the first season of charmed despite loving it so much#i just cant be bothered watching them have the same struggle ive seen a hundred times play out again#different genre but sons of anarchy does this well too; all the characters are already in the club life and already have inner conflict#spn having such a natural introduction makes me so glad they didnt go with the original plan of sam not knowing about hunting#that wouldve been Painful#watching spn so young has really shaped my view of media bc i legit cant stand things with a learning curve#give me an established world damnit#lord of the rings never stops to explain what a dwarf is! you just go with it! and it rules!#dean is just as theoretical and lore savvy as sam and id go as far to say he actually knows more#instead of trying to do this bullshit brains v brawn divide they shouldve done new tech vs analogue#sams laptop is famous and he also knows how to hack thing where the second dean doesnt know something he defaults to books#have dean be the one where if its written down he can find it almost like a proto bobby#they even kind of support that by him being the one to find the phoenix in s6 when they go through all their books#but this was 2005 and characters could only be so conplex and theyd already decided dean needed to be the hot one and sams the nerd one#side note how many of these metas am i going to write on this rewatch? tbd#side side note included all the quotes and episode numbers makes me feel so academic#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#carry on my wayward son#talk meta to me#meta#supernatural meta#spn#supernatural#dean winchester#sam winchester
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I know that this has probably been said to death atp, but the most heartbreaking part of The Final Fifteen (ā¢ļø) is that THEY WERE BOTH RIGHT.
All Crowley has ever wanted is to run away with his angel, whether it's to Alpha Centuries or just Aziraphale's bookshop. He was RIGHT to say that heaven and hell are toxic. He was RIGHT to say that they don't need them. He was RIGHT to say that he's better than that, that THEY'RE better than that. Crowley's a demon for a reason; he doesn't have faith in innate goodness, he knows that heaven and hell will break their promises. He's suffered SO FUCKING MUCH at the hands of both, and watched Aziraphale suffer for heaven's sake, and he's RIGHT to know that they deserve better.
But as much as he loves Crowley, Aziraphale could never give up on something without at least trying to fix it. There's no way that he could've just left, because that's not who he is and that's not the Angel Crowley loves. He believes SO DEEPLY in the good in the world, in the potential for change, so he could never pass up the opportunity to 'fix the system' - to make heaven a place where no one has to feel like he did again. Whether or not it works (and it will, in small, seemingly insignificant ways like the scriveners getting new offices, and the rules on who can go to earth loosening, and that little bit of rebounding kindness cycling around and around even the most toxic place), he had to try because THAT'S WHO HE IS. He's an angel in the best sense of the word, and he was RIGHT that he could make a difference. And, as much as we all hate to admit it, the metratron was RIGHT. Aziraphale will be a wonderful leader.
So I like to think that, once they get past the initial anger, despite the heartbreak they're both feeling, they understand each other.
And they're proud.
Aziraphale is proud of Crowley for acknowledging his worth and, in a smaller, guiltier way, for telling Hell exactly where to shove their job offer. He's proud of him for knowing that, even alone, he's better than that.
Crowley is proud of Aziraphale for still being the angel he fell in love with, and he's praying to someone other than God that Aziraphale is making the Metatron's life HELL (pun intended). He's proud of him for his kindness, and selflessness. He's proud of his determination to break the cycle.
#good omens#ineffable husbands#anthony j crowley#good omens 2#aziraphale#character analysis#i am unhinged about this show#the final fifteen#i fucking love them#They love each other so much#Even when they have to let each other go#And they're so proud of each other#God this show is painful#But yk#Its fine#We live#Because they're fucking INEFFABLE
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it's been a week and i still haven't recovered </3 so i did a little sketch with this scene between normal and scary because it fucked me up and i need more moments of them comforting and caring for each other
#dndads#dndads s2#dungeons and daddies season 2#dndads s2 spoilers#dndads spoilers#scary marlowe#normal oak swallows garcia#these two make me so fucking ill#i love their relationship and i missed them having moments so much and i was so heartbroken when normal comforted scary about terry jr#it sucks! when your best friend looses her dad and she has to face all this feelings she was trying to protect herself from#and you can't do anything to help hee besides being there and hugging her#if normal could he would take her pain away in a heartbeat#which is an idea i am thinking. about normal messing with the modify memory spell to protect scary from being sad#anyways they are my babies and i love them so much and they are the siblings ever <3
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I decided to start talking about Wick and Rocky's relationship because I like their dynamics too, I like seeing Wick scared of Rocky and Rocky being aggressive with him, which is unusual because Rocky is rarely aggressive with anyone, but of course Wick is an exception to rule
Also my mini opinion about their possible relationship, I think that if Rocky didn't have to fight for his place, then he and Wick could become friends, or at least tolerate each other a little, I also see some superficial similarities, their gentlemanly and romantic natures, and their common love for explosions (remembering the quarrymen chapter), but this is my assumption, I think that I don't understand the characters' personalities well, so I can be wrong in this assumption, something like that. So, what do you think about their relationship?
for starters, i cannot thank you enough for this ask! as iāve said previously, i have many thoughts on these two, so itās nice to finally be able to share some of them. although given the extent to which i think about them, i apologize in advance if this is sloppy and sort of everywhere ā¦ while iāll try to structure things the best i can, i cannot promise iāll succeed! but hopefully this is an enjoyable reply nonetheless.
one of my favorite things about rocky and wickās relationship is absolutely how aggressive rocky is towards the aristocrat ; he is prone to glares and cruel jokes and borderline hissing whenever the man is within his line of sight, or can be brought to a wailing-fit over the mere mention of his name from miss mās mouth. there is a childishness to it, but a very prominent threat as well in spite of rockyās usual incompetence. so he goes out of his way to posture around wick, readily lying and adorning himself with the gangster drapes he so badly wants to wear, in the hopes that it intimidates ā¦ will even badmouth wickās family and make fun of his name and rock related obsession to mitzi, and so on so forth! yet all of this is very reminiscent of schoolyard bullying rather than anything too severe, though we as the audience understand rather quickly that rocky would bash wickās head in with a tire iron if he could. ( translation : if it wouldnāt earn the tears or hate of a certain beloved mitzi may ) and itās all very intense despite the absence of actual violence! and i understand why many fans see this as unusual for rocky and believe that itās only wick who makes him act so aggressively, but iād argue it isnāt really wick at all that prompts such scary reactions from him ā¦ and that rocky is a deeply angry character whoās a.) been boiling quietly for a long, long time and b.) has turned wick into a punching bag of sorts for this inner world of resentment and hurt. basically, when heās judging the well-to-do or poking fun, his eyes donāt look at wick and actually acknowledge him as sedgewick sable ; instead this is a being, something vague and metaphorical, who threatens to upseat rockyās permanence in the lackadaisy and steal away his savior, and heās had a hand in the violinistās misfortune for a long time.
obviously, rocky doesnāt think wick robbed him of his family twice over and made him homeless, but he is channeling the fear and anguish of those events into his loathing for wick, if that makes sense? itās easier that way -- to finally have an outlet for everything bleeding inside of you, to be able to bite and claw at something without feeling conflicted or having to take personal accountability for your own mistakes ā¦ which is something that i think rocky does struggle with to a degree. he is sort of a finger pointer! his pain has to be worth something, it has to be for someone else ; spending years homeless and losing his last bit of family was for freckle, and the scrambling of his literal brain was for mitzi, and that means he canāt ever be angry with them! well, except that he is, somewhat, but he buries it deep down instead of feeling it. with freckle there is a sense of strain between them -- an air of āyou owe meā from rocky to freckle as he uses freckle to appease miss m, and he constantly pokes fun at his cousin too. itās lighter than his jabs at wick, but thereās a constant pestering, a reminder of how good freckle has it : how heās got the mom and the house and the job and the girl most notably. i donāt think rocky is intending to come across as mean, and to his credit he hardly does! but itās rather clear to me that some part of him, some hidden and deeply hurt part, is rather indignant about taking the fall for freckle all those years ago. which he canāt understand, because how could he? he made that choice, he decided to take accountability for something he didnāt do because he loves freckle and knows itād be so easy to believe this family tragedy was roarkās fault ; the devilish child he was, all troublesome and too broken to properly fit anywhere. so there is a disconnect born here, where rocky canāt comprehend that heād be angry at freckle, so instead these not so great feelings are placed elsewhere and silently boil over time. and with mitzi ā¦ i donāt think heās angry at her per se, but there is a frustrated and desperate chorus of : why him and why not me, when iām the one out here dying for you? which is certainly unpleasant. of course, rather than allowing those feelings to be more aimed at miss m, whom he feels unloved by, he ( again! ) represses these emotions and allows them to fester into his greatest fears and fantastical complexes. i think there is a lot of other miscellaneous anger he could have towards others too ā¦ perhaps some part of him is sore upon seeing ivyās normal lifestyle, watching her go to university and knowing thatās been taken from him. or an ache felt when hearing stories from zib and the band and how they used to travel successfully, living as nomads, and rocky is all too reminded of his similar lifestyle and how he couldnāt make it work as effortlessly. people with immense trauma are more prone to irrational anger and jealousy, to viewing everything around them as unfair and believing itās even more unjust that so many people get to live comfortably while theyāve suffered. a situation that gets more messy when youāre someone like rocky, a man whoās willingly made choices that have harmed himself and wants to continue on with his smiling, bumbling fool of an act. he does not want to be angry, does not want to see it within himself, i think, which leads to an accidental increase of it.
all of this is to reiterate that wick is a scapegoat for rocky and nothing more. itās why heās rather hypocritical whenever it concerns the man. for example, it was stated by tracy that he looks down upon wick for his excessive presence at the bar, yet he appears to enjoy hanging out with zib -- who drinks just as often! he makes fun of how all wick ever talks about is rocks, when he himself is prone to poetry rambles that people find irritating or boring, and etc etc. this is also just a human nature thing, to critique someone you heavily dislike and even going as far as to belittle things you love or do in your own day to day because you just hate them that bad! but given rockyās willingness to befriend anyone, it more so reeks of a dehumanization element. wick is every obstacle in his way, every divine force that threatens to send him packing again, so he is equal parts unnerved by wickās presence and angry about it. it is mostly a fear response we are seeing, an emotion thatās morphed into long held resentment and anger. so his actions are extremely defensive, with him trying to push wick far away and keep him and mitzi separate, like some sort of animal attempting to ward off a threat thatās come too close to their home. despite the loaded animosity there, this hate has hardly reached its peak ā¦ but it shall only grow more intense as things continue onward iām afraid, since as it stands ( in the comic at least ) rocky is at an all time low ā¦ and is ten times more desperate. iād honestly say wick has become so warped in his mindās eye that he can only strive towards āwinningā over the other man, because thatās all he can see anymore. i think mitzi implying that wick willingly helped her out, the intense head injury, and rockyās fragile emotional state is exactly what pushes him towards premeditated murder in look-see. i donāt know how people perceive that arc, but to me itās very clear that rocky actively sought to see the deaths of wes and fish that night. going as far as to lament that heād be, āvery disappointed if ( he ) dreamed them,ā and purposefully luring the marigold duo away to have freckle pick them off. while you could argue that this was a smart move, in a gangster sort of sense, thereās still no denying that rocky is oddly chipper about the whole thing and is now seeking death out ; whereas before his methods of vengeance were just, well, ruining peopleās livelihood but ultimately leaving them alive. this isnāt to discredit the fact that rocky is going through something! he is in a very muddled and dark place, mentally and physically, but even tracy has said that the head injury hasnāt changed rockyās personality -- itās only brought things to the surface.
source : q&a with tracy .
which, yeah! makes sense! head trauma can cause a person to become a wreck emotionally ( think mood swings, irritability, etc ) but it doesnāt completely morph someone either. personality changes may occur, but itās not like youāre being rewritten entirely, you know? and given tracyās old statement, itās clear that āpersonality changesā arenāt a side effect heās suffering from. something that adds to my beginning statement, which is that rocky is a deeply angry and troubled person, more so than fans give him any credit for.
however, to touch upon your mini opinion about these two, i actually wholeheartedly agree that rocky and wick could become friends if circumstances were different. they do in fact have many superficial similarities, but one of the more prominent things they deeply share is never really belonging in the groups they frequent. this is more overt with rockyās character, yet wick faces it too in subtle ways. the well-to-do crowd, seen through the investors, find the gentleman to be lacking in about every place imaginable ; to them he is an obsessive freak who cares too deeply for meager rocks, something they constantly mock him for, while heās also being noticeably set apart from the rest of them ā¦ he seems younger than the investors, more excitable, passionate, and a little less experienced, and doesnāt seem to care for money or reputation as much as them either. there is a constant rubbing between him and them, where what he enjoys is seen as wrong, such as his love for the lackadaisy and his choice in paramor, a grieving widow with extremely dangerous ties. we also know that wick doesnāt have many friends at all, with the only two he has being lacy and church ( church is listed as such on his character profile, in a sort of tongue-in-cheek way ), both of whom work for or with him. they are obliged to hang around, and while they care in varying ways, they are prone to judging him just as much. honestly, itās not shocking that wick seeks refuge at his chosen speakeasy! but even there he is rather distant from everyone else. he doesnāt speak to zib ever in the comics, nor seems all too close with viktor, ivy, or horatio ā¦ it is merely mitzi he is close to, even if he knows of the other people who work there. and, once again, wick very obviously doesnāt fit in. he is not gangster material, could never be an atlas may replacement, much less someone who could get his paws dirty in such an active way. so he has his feet in two different worlds and doesnāt know how to fit into either of them, or which one he actually wants to fit into more. i think in many ways rocky could relate -- these are two very lonely people who wish to belong somewhere and be accepted by some group or another but go about it in all the wrong ways. wick, who is too hesitant to fully commit to what he wants and is worse off for it, and then rocky, who obsessively throws himself against what he wants until he breaks every bone in his body. they also have explosives to bond over, lol, and other miscellaneous things like their taste in women i suppose ā¦ but this potential bond adds to the tragedy of lackadaisy, where we see two people who on every level should get along but weāre burdened with the knowledge that itās an impossibility anyway, because thereās no removing the circumstance of which theyāre in.
though i like to believe that despite wickās fear of rocky, he maintains a kindness towards him regardless. i think his worries about rocky are rather surface level ā¦ he doesnāt know the boy at all, really, and thus canāt make heads or tails of him, hence him believing the lie in balderdash. so when iām feeling particularly self indulgent, i like imagining a world where theyāre forced together and sort of āstuckā together ; to which rocky finally breaks and exposes his wounds to wick, in every sense of the word, and wick finally gets him. the aggression, the possessiveness of mitzi ā¦ it is all fear and desperation and a profound sadness, things heād sympathize with. if rocky was able to explain that he loathes wick because if he saves the lackadaisy then mitzi wonāt need him anymore and that itās not fair that wick gets to so easily fix things when rocky would give his soul for his home, for her, and how wick could render every sacrifice heās already made for naught by smoothing things over with some greenbacks and he canāt lose this, he just canāt --! ā¦ which, well, wick is too kind of a man to be able to do anything except feel awful, even though itās not his fault at all. here we have two people who could coexist! and they should, since rocky logically canāt do every speakeasy job ( band member, rumrunner, mitziās shadow, also the guy who gets the money for the hooch ) by himself, just like how wick canāt save the lackadaisy with only his cash and limited booze stash. itād be a joint cooperation, a collaboration between them, both equally important in the grand scheme of crimeās every turning wheel ā¦ but rockyās rage and fear wonāt let him see that, and likely never will. still, in scenarios where everything ends up alright for the lackadaisy and the people involved in it ( which is not how canon will go, by the way ), i fancy wick and rocky getting better within their relationship. rocky will always be prickly and quick to upset around the other man sadly, but perhaps he could see wick in a softer kind of light. or at least understand vaguely enough that he isnāt out to get rocky, so to speak. and then maybe wick learns that pancakes soothe rockyās ire and poorly makes them anytime he wishes to talk to the man, and other fun things like that! but you should have more confidence in your character analysis skills, because you were spot on ( at least in my eyes ) about them potentially getting along if things were different. itās certainly a fun aspect to play around with, and is important to note when discussing their relationship so you can fully understand just how warped rockyās perspective on things are. and how unstable and traumatized he is too, of course </3 sidenote, but i also hope that throughout everything iāve said here, or anything iāve said before on my blog, that my love for rocky and my own sympathy for him comes across well enough. while heās deeply flawed and i have no qualms discussing said flaws in depth, i also donāt think of him as some insane freak whoās evil at his core or anything like that. honestly, i adore analyzing him so much as a character because of how far down his issues go! heās very well written, iāll say, as is wick and many of the other characters, but i digress.
once more, thank you for the ask! iāll end this here because i fear if i donāt iāll start going in circles, since their relationship is so vast and very important for rocky in a character sense. hopefully i shed some more light on it though! i love these two to bits and pieces and i wouldnāt be half as invested in lackadaisy if their dynamic wasnāt so monumental -- at least to me.
#my asks.#lackadaisy analysis.#lackadaisy#rocky rickaby#sedgewick sable#tracy j butler#i also think rockyās sudden taste for marigold blood is him making marigold his other scapegoat#he isnāt dealing with anything in a healthy manner and is so traumatized itās starting to spill out of him ā¦ which is. uh. not good!!#but it sure is whatās currently happening regardless#cannot stress enough that rock is a very ill and traumatized individual who hasnāt had a single break in his life#he is constantly in stressful situations that are dangerous ā¦ and like.#when youāre constantly put in those situations you become numb. and angry. and it becomes hard to heal#or to truly connect to others ā¦ etc#i could talk in depth about rockyās traumas and why theyāve caused this anger issue and this inner disharmony inside#because frankly thereās a lot there! and i hate to say it but people who are hurt normally show their hurt in ugly ways#especially if mentally ill ā¦ which rocky is imo#itās just the reality of things! this isnāt me demonizing mental illness or the effects of trauma. iām just being realistic here#someone as deeply troubled as rocky ( someone with NO outlet and whom hides his feelings from others and himself )#is bound to be. well. troubled!! his smiling facade is merely another mask he wears to cope and to be good for the people he loves#it is not ā¦ really rocky rickaby ā¦ rocky rickaby is that and the wrath and the self destruction and more#AHEM but i digress. how rocky treats wick and all that has really done wonders for understanding his character#and i truly love the wick / rocky / mitzi trio so bad. their relationships with each other is what drew me into this world#like. i am shaking them so much. the overlap!! the complexities inherit in their bonds and what that says about the individual characters!#itās amazing truly lol like ā¦ i have had such fun thinking about them twenty four seven for the past three-ish months#anyway. anyway! i love analyzing these bitches. they can fit so much into them#and iām rooting for wickmitzi endgame and for wick to desperately try to bond with rocky ā¦ while his bloodshot eye is twitching as we speak#lots of fun!!! lots of pain and agony too ā¦ rocky is nothing but a painful character alas. that is his nature. but that is also his appeal#and ooops iāll shut up in the tags now i just. have a lot to say. and a lotta love to give to these two!! but uh. yeah <3 loved writing thi
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Your works always make me feel so cherish ed and spoiled while reading them. If youāre open to requests, Iād love to see something where Charles is struggling with feelings of inadequacy, and Edwin decides to spoil him a bit. Hope you have a wonderful day!
Thank you so much, I am so glad you enjoyed them ā„ā„ā„ And thank you for the prompt!!
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āI should have done moreā, Charles tells him, pacing across the agencyās floor, back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, in a way that makes Edwin imagine he can see his footsteps carving themselves into the floorboards. āI should have done just something. Been faster, or should have just noticed that they were coming earlier, just something.ā
Itās been going on like this for more than thirty minutes now, Edwin checking the time on the clock on their desk periodically. And he understands it, feels some of the guilt that is clearly wrecking Charles himself ā Niko has gotten hurt on a case earlier, because none of them had paid attention on the third witch of the coven hiding in the shadows, waiting for a chance to strike ā but while Crystal had taken Niko to the hospital and Edwin has resolved himself to pay more attention next time, Charles seems unable to let it go.
Edwin has tried to console him, has tried to alleviate his pain with soft words and reassurances and everything in between, but it doesnāt seem to make a lick of difference. Itās like Charles is stuck in a loop of this, unable to see a simple, but important truth: that none of them expect him to be perfect all the time.
Niko will be fine, the cut from the witchās knife deep but not dangerous in any way, but not even a phone call from Crystal informing them of the fact enough to soothe any of Charlesā anguish.
āIām so stupid, who would forget that there was a third one? Me, thatās who. I should have just -ā
And itās just too much; Edwin cannot listen to a word more of this.
Charles is still pacing, so caught up in whatever is going on in his head that he doesnāt even notice Edwin getting up and crossing the few metres between them, which is so unlike him it hurts something deep within Edwinās chest. And itās that hurt that makes it even easier to reach out and put a hand on Charlesā shoulder, not feeling the fabric of his jacket but feeling Charles beneath it anyway, the thrum of his energy and the solidity of his astral form and the importance he has to Edwin, unmatched in this universe and all others.
This, at least, Charles registers, and just as he starts to turn, Edwin pulls him close, tucks Charlesā head beneath his chin and leaves his hand on the back of his neck so even if he tried, he wouldnāt be able to escape. Edwinās other arm snakes around Charlesā waist, wrapping around him tight, and for a moment, there is tension within him, Edwin feels it as much as his soul can sense it, eternally tied to Charlesā as it is, but then it leaves him with what feels like a sigh, a tidal wave.
āYouāre doing enoughā, Edwin tells him, whispers it into his mess of curls and feels Charles shudder at the touch. āYouāre keeping all of us safe, every day, and Niko will be fine. The next time, we will know to keep a better watch. Itās not your fault, it wasnāt even your responsibility. We are a team, and we will get better as one, too. But you have to stop blaming yourself for it. Youāre doing enough. You are enough. And I love you the most of absolutely anything in this world or the next. Alright?ā
For a moment, there is nothing, no answer, but then, slowly, ever so slowly, Charles wraps his arms around Edwin in return, sinking into the hug like all the strength in his body has left him at once.
āYou promise?ā, he asks, half against Edwinās collarbone, and his voice is still strained and soft and hurt, but the mania of before is gone, the tension, the almost-desperation.
āI promise. Of course, I do.ā
And there is another pause, Charlesā fingers gripping at Edwinās jacket, his cheek nuzzling Edwinās shoulder; later tonight, they will curl up on the sofa and Edwin will kiss Charles as many times as he needs it, will put Charlesā head into his lap and kiss his eyelids closed, and will read him a story they have both read a thousand times before.
A sigh, then, āAlright. If you say so.ā
And as he presses a kiss to Charlesā head, Edwin thinks, yes. Theyāll be alright.
#dead boy detectives#dead boy detective agency#edwin payne#edwin paine#charles rowland#painland#payneland#paynland#chedwin#charles x edwin#edwin x charles#also for everyone else who sent me prompts: thank you so much i am trying to get through them but some of them will take a bit of time#but i love all of them ā„ā„ā„
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"Take care of those flowers, Wrong Number."
there ya go, cry yourself to sleep my babies-
#i will not continue this AU because i am in so much pain right now#don't attack me i'm also effected by this okay#FUUUCCKKKKKK#also if some of you don't know what the story is about#basically it's about two men from two different era found each other through a vintage telephone#(one of them is from the year 1970 and the other is from year 2020)#they basically fell in love#but the one from 1970 decided to cut their idk connection because it's literally a forbidden love and so against the universe#so yeah#dazai is from 1970 and chuuya is from 2020 teehee#oh and also chuuya found old dazai after his son took chuuya with him to the hospital and he watched dazai's death#yeah#oh and dazai's son was the one cutting chuuya's telephone#yeah-#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#bsd art#bsd fanart#bungo stray dogs dazai#dazai osamu#bsd dazai#fanart#bungo stray dogs chuuya#bsd chuuya#chuuya nakahara#bungou stray dogs chuuya#skk#skk fanart
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I made my post about Dean Highbottom and then as I was writing my tags realised that his Hunger Games counterpart is Haymitch. and now my head is in my hands and I donāt think Iāll ever recover
#IM GOING TO CRY. I am part of the system I never wanted anything to do with it#I killed so many people without laying a hand on them. I never ever asked for this. I tried to say no. my hands are still bloody.#both turned to drugs to cope. both had a mentee who reminded them of someone they hated so much#(snow reminded the dean of his old friend. katniss reminded haymitch of himself)#both knew exactly how the games worked and all of its consequences because one made it and the other lived it#both lived in the shadows of the past and never really got out from it#but in the end one of them chose to be cruel to the children who they were asked to mentor#and the other loved even when it was killing him#god. twenty three years and they never managed to drown the fire out of him. his heart broke again and again#but he held onto those shards even as they made his hands bleed. and then one day two children appeared and pieced it back together#and some of it was missing and always would be. you canāt undo twenty three years of alcoholism and pain and grief and self loathing#but a lot of it was still there. far more than he ever even believed could have survived#Haymitch I love youuuuuuuuu I will always love you#and Dean Highbottom you were kinda cringe and lame. guynobody ass bitch. do better#haymitch abernathy#dean highbottom#thg#the hunger games#a ballad of songbirds and snakes#abosas
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this panel singlehandedly destroyed me
#look š„¹ at š„¹ them š„¹#I AM IN TEARS#I AM IN PAIN#my babies š#they look so beautiful and happy in hiyori's eyes i am gonna BAWL#aaahhhhh my heart can't take this i love them so much š#yukine and yato my precious#noragami#noragami spoilers#noragami 108#noragami 107.2#noragami 107#noragami manga#yukine#yato#hiyori#i love them man#this is the 3rd time i sobbed today bc of this panel š#the shrine š„¹#mine
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I love the Vengeance saga smā¦.
so here are my thoughts
NOT SORRY FOR LOVING YOU:
This was SO pretty. Wangui has such a beautiful voice and she added so much depth to the character. But i still HATE Calypso. They could never make me like you Calypso. I liked How Jorge really made her seem like she just never learned how it was wrong to expect love in return regardless of circumstance. Especially the part āWas cast away when I was young
Alone for a hundred years
I had no friends but the sky and sun
So when you washed ashore
I thought for sure that you were my dream come trueā
It really did a good job at showing she never learned because she never got a chance to learn these things.
DANGEROUS:
HECK YES HERMES!!! He was so so iconic and I loved how we was just partying while Ody was fighting for his life. My favorite part was defined the Wing Bag. Especially the winions. The melodies just seemed so much darker and serious then the playful tone of Keep Your Friends Close. I also loved the Athena reference at the end. I honestly hope Odysseus doesnāt learn it was her, it would make it so much more tragic.
CHARYBDIS:
This was the song I was looking forward to the most and I was not let down! The musical storytelling was so so good! Everything about it that I imagined is practically exactly what was on the animatic. Also extra points to part of it being done by @anniflamma (iām not even gonna try to lie, Anni is my favorite Epic Animator) I LOVED the final verse. It was so pretty and Jorge portrayed the Longing of Odysseus SO WELL. I also adored the expectation diversion leading intoā¦
GET IN THE WATER:
First off the Intrumentals starting the song were BEAUTIFUL!!! The piano was so striking and i loved it! Steven Rodriguez is genuinely PERFECT for Poseidon. Iām not gonna lie Poseidon is my favorite Greek God(Blame PJO) and Ruthlessness is actually the song that got me into EPIC. So it was amazing to hear him again. My Blood ran cold during the āRuthlessnessā¦ Is Mercy Uponā¦ Ourselvesā part and I loved the overlapping vocals of the āDieā. And because itās a bossfight it just has to end with making me cry. The āspiritsā of Odysseusās comrades was so pretty and I think it was my favorite(besides love in paradise ofc) of the āHeartbreaking remembering comradesā moments.
600 STRIKE!!!
1st of holy shit the Wind bag is such a cool Bossfight instrumental. It was so freaking cool(I love all the Wind parts in EPIC). I was a little disappointed by the Visuals, no disrespect to the artist at all! But i just thought the 3d was a little jarring. I truthfully think it would have been a little better if it was 2d. Enough of visual art talk though MUSICAL art talk time! I LOVED the chanting throughout the first-half. It was such a great(I think) wrap up to the Crews story and it also sounded awesome.
600 STRIKE: PART 2(that part)
Steven Rodriguezās voice is really hot. I just had to get that out of the way. But in all seriousness this is my favorite moment of the Saga. I donāt think 600 strike was my favorite song, that title goes to Get in the Water, but 600 strike is a close 2nd solely based on the epicness of this moment. The way my heart just stopped when Odysseus said āExactlyā was just something Iāll never get over. Also Iām weird and i loved hearing Poseidon in pain.(I like my fav. characters to suffer). Also the overlapping vocals(can i even call poseidonās part vocals itās just him screaming in pain) was PHENOMENAL! I especially loved the 2nd āOOoohhhhā I saw someone say that Poseidon likely regenerated around the trident before it was pulled out and thatās engraved in my brain now.
And hot Take.
I think that Poseidon was actually ASKING Odysseus how he sleeps at night. During Monster Ody says āIs he scared that heās doing something wrongā and I actually think Ody was right. Poseidonās āI canātā during Get In The Water seems genuine. I donāt know if it was because He literally couldnāt forgive Ody because of what Ody did, or if Heās is actually just trying to ākeep us in check so we respect him, and now no one dares piss him offā. This may just be me over-analyzing/trying to sympathize my fav character but does Poseidon actually wonder if heās doing something wrong.
And Finally, NEXT TO MY WIFE was actually so FRAKING cold. If someone said that to me iād be devastated.
Ultimately the Vengeance saga was probably my 2nd favorite saga(after wisdom i just adore god games) Jorge did an AMAZING job with it and Iām so excited to see how much more a monster rawr rawr rawr Ody becomes.
I hope you enjoy my thoughts (:
#epic the vengeance saga#epic the musical#odysseus#poseidon#calypso#hermes#i am the monster rawr rawr rawr#get in the water#600 strike#charybdis#dangerous#not sorry for loving you#jorge rivera herrans#I loved the vengeance saga so much#it just tickles my brain#i love watching my comfort characters be deprived of comfort#Can you tell my favorite part was Poseidon crying in pain (:#make them suffer#suffer sea boi#steven rodriguez
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s3 episode 23 thoughts
the previous episode was SO good. but, it is true, i was distracted by the dog. it was SUCH!! a perfect episode. EXCEPT for that one thing. so i hope that today, i can face this episode with a clear head, free of judgement based on the fate of little dogs.
well, boy, i did face this episode with a clear mind, and wow. wowza. another AMAZING ep... and i will keep the angst from this episode in my heart forever and bottle it and take a nice long swig when i need my msr feels, which is basically always. wow. an exclamation point doesn't even feel APPROPRIATE, it just needs to hang in the air for a bit. (wiping tears away) wow....
let us go back to yesterday's notes, which shall commence below:
reading the episode description... so this one features murders linked to a device that alters television signalsā¦ huh. man, too many people i know donāt even have cable anymore. this simply would not work in the modern era. imagine if hulu or tubi or something made you kill people though lmao that would be silly to imagine.
we open with a guy digging a hole in the woods. always a promising start. seems heās in an orchard of some sort? and the music is very very creepy.Ā
okay, so just as you suspect, this dude is burying a dead guy. sometimes your gut instinct is correct and tropes are not meant to be subverted. but the dude who is burying him says āyour killing days are OVERā so is this actually a justice arc??? hmm. it is not clear. man, it would be hard to dig a hole like that.
shovel murder man is at home washing the blood off. but then someone else approaches him and he kills THAT GUY TOO WITH THE SHOVEL?? huh? what is going on.Ā
police at da guyās house. everyone has the same face as the dude he just killed??? so they tase him. and then the faces go back to their REAL faces. now what is going on here!!!!!!!!!!
as the real faces return, the man realizes he killed someone named sarah!!! and he seems sooo upset by the fact that he killed sarah!!!! poor sarah :(
so does the tv make you see other peopleās faces on the bodies of random peopleā¦.? omg thatās insidious...
we now shift to a different scene, one where mulder is sitting in his car at 2 am. doing what???? waiting for some guy!!! he was waiting TWO HOURS for this guy!!! who is this guy...? it's giving blind date/drug deal.
the man who enters his car gives him a newspaper clipping about the murders we just saw. and mulder came here after getting AN ANONYMOUS EMAIL in the middle of the night??? this is crazy because literally so many people want him dead and this would have been a very easy way to accomplish that goal. wow. seriously, no self-preservation instincts on this guy.
mystery man says he has no obligation to explain what is going on, but if mulder walks away from it, more people will die. so no pressure!! xx
cutscene to a hospital, where mulder is watching our murderer through glass, while scully comes in saying that she is sorry she is late, but āthe beltway was a parking lotā. beltway refers to interstate 495! thank you wikipedia i love your services!
murderer is named joseph. and he claims to have been killing the same guy over and over again, and that he wouldnāt die. which seems pretty awful.
OH! and the week before, in the same town, a babysitter attacked the kids she was watching because she thought they were WOLVES??? omg that is horrific??
theyāre talking to the physician, dr. stroman, who says perhaps this was provoked by amphetamine abuse. then joseph starts SCREAMING. he sees a guy on the TV- miriskovic- sorry yāall idk my post-soviet history š (update: i googled it, i don't even think that guy was real because all the results are links to wikis on this specific episode... reveals how little i truly know)
anyway, seeing that guy's face on the TV seems to have triggered the screaming situation. does he have trauma from the country he used to live in and seeing references to it makes these things happenā¦? that would be a wild episode. put me in the writer's room and let me cook.
scully quickly picks up on the fact that this case is Weird, and mulder admits it came from some random guy, which makes her suspicious. but they go to the crime scene, and, like always, he lifts the crime scene tape up over her head, and itās very charming despite the lack of sensibility in going down this whole rabbit hole.
the minute they get in, they hear screaming and a gunshot! but itās just some kids watching TV??? eating popcorn in a crime scene??? LMAO WHAT?
mulder kicks them out and scruffs one of the boyās heads... ohhhh he needs to be a father so bad huh... like i have been saying this since s1 he just has a Need to tease and spoil children. well, we can unpack that another time. there's crime afoot.
so he watches the tv and it starts to go all static-y because a guy outside is fixing the wires. scully finds a TON of tapes and theyāre just shelves and shelves of cable TV shows!!!
āthere must be hundreds of videos hereā, she says, to which he asks āanything good?ā <- idk why this made me giggle. it sounded like he was gonna put one in and chill for a bit lmao
scully starts to wonder if seeing the cable news, like joseph had recorded, was what triggered his episode back at the hospital. ooooh! a theory!!!Ā
cut to mulder watching a tape in the bed of his motel, making an absolute pile of sunflower seeds- this dude is gonna attract mice or something someday omfg- and also he has a cola which is peak american culture. LMAOOOO he has a HUGE pile of tapes on the floor iām crying... my type A self could NOT deal with him!
he says he watched 36 hours of bernard shaw and bobbi batista and is now also ready to kill someone as scully welcomes him into her room, which also has cola but is much more nicely organized! she found something weird on the tapes from late april, each a night when he committed a murderĀ
AND WHY DID MULDER GET ALL COZIED UP ON HER COUCH?????? hooooooly fuck i have never seen such a baby girl of a man
OMFG??? all the reports from the murder nights feature that miriskovic guy!!!
so did seeing violence make him violent? mulder says no, and that theory assumes that āamericans are just empty vessels, ready to be filled with any idea or image thatās fed to them like a bunch of pavlov dogs, and go out and act on itā oh if only this man could see the news latelyā¦ā¦ā¦ insert ben affleck smoking a cigarette image here to describe the things we see in our current age. mulder you would not believe.
heās really bashing her theory, but sheās saying maybe he was high and seeing these things sent him on a spiral- makes sense to me
he is leaving to go get some sleep (after admitting he canāt explain what is going on!!! which always endears me) but scully says she is going to watch the rest of the tapesā¦ a herculean task for our girl
middle of the night and itās still tape time for scully, but she hears the phone ringing. she hears mulder having a conversation. and he says āno, she doesnātā which is weirdā¦ that is suspiciousā¦ what doesn't she...
scully chews her ice which is so funny because me too sometimes. she has chewed all of her ice and must fetch more. and get a cola ofc!!! nothing more american than a cold soda iktr!
but she sees mulder in his car??? lighting up with cig man???? HUH??? and handing over a tape? omfg this is crazy. i assume she is hallucinating though, because no wayā¦.
cutscene to a lady named helene watching āthe price is niceā (lmaooo) and washing some dishes. but the soap in the dishes starts to look funny- and everything is glitching around her!!! she sees a man outside in a hammockā¦ kissing a woman!!! and oh, she is furious!! she gets her SHOTGUN?? this has escalated very fast. and we hear some shooting!!!
scully is still very visibly disturbed. mulder is reporting the murder, but she seems like a shell of herself. she checks the ash tray in the car, and there is no ashā¦ she notices the car has been moved and he says he got a paperā¦. why do you askā¦. ānothing. itās nothingā OHHH THIS IS JUICY
so the crime scene has a very bloody hammock. and a dead man, who the wife claims he saw in the hammock with a blonde. but the only other creature at the scene was a dog!!!
OH!!! the hammock man wasnāt even helene's HUSBAND??? this really is LAYERED!! she killed the NEIGHBOR thinking it was her husband, who wasnāt even in town!!!!!! how do you mess this up so badly?
despite the fact that scully is clearly suspicious of mulder, she is sharing the umbrella with him in their usual fashion, and the sense of tension this produces is deliciousĀ
they go to investigate the crime scene and mulder finds some sort of bike and immediately climbs upon it while proclaiming that television does NOT cause violence (LMAOOO HE IS SO WEIRD i need him.)Ā
they find a bunch more tapes and AGAIN the same guy is messing with the cables outside while they're investigating!!!! mulder is in chase mode!!!! but he cannot chase this dude in the van!!! no man, even a track star such as him, can outrun a van carrying secrets!
scully is trying to fast forward the TV and she looks out to see mulder climbing the poleā¦. average day for a man like him. he finds a weird cable scrambler in there. she wants to send it to the crime lab, but he says heāll do the analysis, and she should go interview helene the murderer. OH... she is so suspicious, she just wants to go homeā¦. scully :((( mulder is deeply confused as to why she is being so weirdĀ
so he takes the thingy to the lone gunmen, who say it looks like itās used for blocking premium cable channels, which i didnāt even know was a thing, you learn so much with this show. but it doesnāt block anything!!! HOWEVER, if you compare a tv with the machine and one without it, the one with the machine is slightly different. hmm...
āyou know how television works?ā āyeah, you click it on, you have a pictureā <- the man who said that line went to oxford btw
it seems that this cable blocker thingy is adding some sort of frequency, but they canāt tell whatā¦ hmm.
mulder on the road. scully calls and only asks āwhere are youā in this very flat and creepy tone and OH iām scared!!!!
he tries to explain that there is some sort of signal being introduced to the tv- he even says she might be right about the tv inducing violence theory! but she isnāt answeringā¦ she hears a clicking, like they're being listened to, and she says he never went to the detectiveā¦. letās wait and talk on a landline, he says.
despite being in his car many miles away, he can tell that there is something very wrong with scully. he says donāt go anywhere, heāll be right there, and redials after she hangs up. it's very much echoing when she said something similar to him in his crazed gargoyle quest.
but she is so scared, she rips the phone out of the wall and takes it apart!!!! and then the lamp too, and the table. she is checking everything for any sort of bugs!
holy hell, we have never seen her like this before... but iām actually gagged because she is usually relatively stoic and seeing her paranoid is so different, but it also feels very natural??? she is acting her ass off here as she rips up everything in this motel room. big shoutout to GA, i love your work.
and the static that set in helene's vision earlier is setting in hers now!!! she hears a car pull up and drops to the floorā¦. she hears a man say āsheās in hereā and a pounding on the door.Ā
OMFG someone tries to open the door and she FIRES 4 SHOTS RIGHT AWAY??? but itās mulder!!!!
(author's note: i was thinking after i finished the episode, and we know that she is a good shot- remember how she hit just the right angle to knock mulder out but not kill him at the end of s2? so she is either SO out of it that she cannot even aim straight, or there is a tiny tiny tiny part of her that still thinks that mulder isn't worth killing. please mull over which option brings you greater angst)
heās coming in with his gun and his hair is blowing in the wind and he canāt FIND HER!!!!! it was really very dramatic. hair blowing in the wind has this effect.
cutscene to scullyās momās house, and we see a picture of young scully on the table... AWW stop sheās so cuuuute and one of missy as well ššš
OH! itās mulder on the phone calling mrs. scully in the middle of the night!!! NOOOO he has to tell her that he doesnāt know where she is :( NOOOO poor mrs. scully has gone through too much. he feels SO bad breaking this news, that he even apologizes for hanging up right away, something he never ever does.Ā he must be in deeeep distress to do such a thing.
and why does he hang up?? because SKINNER IS HERE!!! heās leading a manhunt for scully, and mulder is saying she shouldnāt be hunted like a convictā¦ but skinner says dude SHE FIRED FOUR ROUNDS AT YOU AND SOME RANDOM GUY last night!!!!
despite this, mulder insists that he can get her to listen to him if they just keep her safe; sheās suffering from some sort of paranoid psychosis. skinner is being quite patient as he tries to explain that the video tapes made her do it. skinner says well... you better find her before these guys do.
GASP!!! heās putting up the x on his window! and doing that thing where he bounces his basketball because he cannot relax!!! stop i'm emotional!!!!!
the lone gunmen call to say they found something on the tapeā¦. and it induces electrical activityā¦. MIND CONTROL???
but why wasnāt he effected?
! MULDER LORE REVEAL ! HEāS RED-GREEN COLORBLIND???? THIS IS AN INSANE LORE DROP TO GIVE NEARLY 4 SEASONS IN??????
wait, is this just for plot purposes, or is DD actually colorblind and they decided to roll with it? because now iām gonna be looking at all the red-ish things we see on screen (like his tie he is grabbing to emphasize his point) and wonder, can he see that? how does this impact his tie selection process....
okay that really threw me off guard. man, i was getting to think we'd never get another lore reveal, which is a shame because i quite like formatting those facts in that way. good to know we could get more at anytime!
he gets a phone call from maryland state police. the lone gunmen ask if sheās okay and he says no, he has to go and ID the body. WHAT!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!! he is trying to keep composed. holy fuckā¦ā¦ā¦..
(heavy breathing as i grab your shoulder and squeeze) hey man. hey. he was trying so hard to be strong.
so he pulls up to the morgue and stops before he gets out of the car, and holds his head above the wheel STOP IāLL CRY???? iāll cryā¦ what are they putting him through??? losing her againā¦ā¦..
(i mean i have SEEN gifs of scully in seasons past this one, so i know she's gonna pull through, but HE doesn't know that, and must be reliving the worst days of his life AGAIN, and aughhhhh!)
but the mystery guy from the start of the episode that give him the info on the muders pulls up and says get in right now!!!!!! mulder is furious, he says heās busy. in a shocking display of insensitivity, mystery man says he does not give a fuck. mulder is yelling that this is all his fault. mystery man says ātheyā are destroying the evidence, and theyāll finish it by tomorrow if he keeps searching for her, but he kicks the door shut and ignores him.
(omgā¦. he loves her enough to break him out of his bloodhound modeā¦ the dogged ahab-like quest for answers and revengeā¦ iām getting flashbacks to his conversation with missy in one breathā¦ā¦..Ā realizing he needs to put the ones he loves before his need for revenge sometimes..... wow)
so he walks into the morgue, and the dude in there says they found a body nude and shot in the forehead.
he closes his eyes to try and brace himself before taking a peek, to prepare to see her lifeless, probably reliving those many hours by her bedside when she was in the hospital, trying to imagine her shot in the forehead, the scully he knows and loves with her dry humor and her teasing smile and caffeine dependency, the her that is so full of life, lifelessā¦
but it isnāt her. PHEW!
despite this being good news that he has to share- she's not dead! her mother isnāt answering her phoneā¦. so he goes to her house. and i'm thinking, oh my gosh, did she do something rash in her grief?
but mrs. scully answers the door and claims dana isnāt here. he bursts in and says he needs to see her right now.Ā omg, he saw right through her lies.
(also, it always feels weird to refer to her as dana, but moving on)
NO!!!! she has him at gunpoint and says heās here to kill him!!! poor guy looks so flabbergastedā¦ and her mom is trying to get her to please put down the gun, and heās trying to explain what is going on!!! he is so singularly locked into herā¦.Ā
āheās lied to me from the beginning. heās never trusted meā āscully, you are the only one i trustā AUGHHHHH (rips my clothes off of my body in biblical levels of grief)Ā
āyouāre one of the people who abducted meā AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (rips off not only my clothing but also my hair as i experience emotions that rival what job from the bible went through)
sheās CRYING, and saying he killed her sister while her mom gets between him and the gunā¦ and sheās saying she knows sheās safe here, thatās why she came here, and to put the gun down. and she falls into her motherās arms sobbing.Ā
WHAAAAAAAAT. and he had to watch all thatā¦ oh my scully oh my goodness my poor scullyā¦
timeskip a little bit. he shows up to the hospital where scully is with her mother, and mockingly puts his hands up in surrender, because he is so STUPID and he always has to make a joke, and i love him so terribly, so so so terribly, because he loves HER.
she's laying in the bed, and he shuts off the tv and asks how sheās feeling. she says she is ASHAMED- as if being a victim of mind control was a personal failing. scully, i want to yell, you have NO REASON to be ashamed, let me take all the shame from you and carry it elsewhere. she says it was like the world was turned upside down.
and he makes ANOTHER stupid joke about the world being out to get him, and now she knows how he feels-
before leaning in and explaining how joseph, the first murderer on this case, became convinced he was killing the bosnian war criminal who people called āthe modern hitlerā, which was especially important to him because both of his parents survived the holocaust. hence his line about the killing days being over!!!
and helene was scared her husband would cheat on her. so somehow the TV signal turned their worst fears into a living nightmare.Ā
OHHHH HER WORST NIGHTMARE IS HIM BETRAYING HER. HIM BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR HER GOING MISSING AND LOSING HER AUTONOMY AND MEMORIES... wails into my shirt.Ā
(this reminds me of that episode in s2- irresistible- when we learn her biggest fear is that humans are capable of terrible horrific things and grasping to trust despite that knowledge. weāre seeing that again right here. how uncertainty seeps in)
THEY CALL HIM THE CANCER MAN!!! wow very official canon recognition of the name (yeah itās happened before but it happened again so that is cool) anyway she says she saw him giving cancer man the tapes and reporting.
he says that maybe cancer man was behind this, but then he whispers āwhy donāt you try and get some rest?ā and there is something in me that melts so entirely as he leaves her to sleep.
(perhaps it is the fact that hurt/comfort and whump are my favorite tropes. because is there anything more intimate than letting someone see you at your most vulnerable, and them choosing to love you at it? is there any feeling more cutting than seeing your loved one suffer and knowing youād stop the world for an instant of their relief? the terrible desperation of both parties, the wordless connection upon recovery, someone being the last thing you see before everything fades to black and then the first person you see when you return... yeah. itās cathartic. but also it makes me want to yell and cry. pls give me all the hurt/comfort content)
so the doctor found high serotonin levels in her that maybe can be associated with mania, but now theyāre back to normal. he asks if someone in her situation would be diagnosed with amphetamine abuse, and she says no. then he quickly calls the hospital where joseph is stayingā¦ what is he cooking in thereā¦
he wants to talk to joseph's doctor, dr. stroman, who left behind only a number from the motelā¦. and he had JUST checked outā¦. so heās going through his stuff. and asking about his calls. and he DOES find a cigarette in his room but a lot of people smoke soā¦ try not to jump to conclusions juniā¦ but the cigarettes mean one thing in this show!!! was this innocent-looking doctor behind such a cruel experiment?!
he calls and has the last number the doctor called get checked from the folks at the labā¦ so he goes to visit the place of residence and creepy music is playing. the dude from the cable company we saw before rolls up!!! he walks right inside the house, so mulder peeks inside. it seems the people in the house set up a trap of some sort, as they are talking about āhimā showing up at 7.
he bursts in after hearing gunshots and both of the men in there are dead!!! shot in the head!!!!
who is there... but X???? X says he HAD to kill those men- he just hoped mulder would get them first. and oh, mulder is YELLING AT X!!! he is letting him HAVE IT!!! he says he is a coward, he was too scared to unveil the situation with the mind control TV murders himselfā¦.. he says X NEVER risks his own life, but he sure does make him risk mulder and scullyās.
OH! he is holding X at gunpoint. all X is saying is that he failed, and that mulder needs him. so he walks out, confident he won't pull the trigger. and he doesn't.Ā
WHAT! i need to kind of just let that sit for a second. i need to figure out this X fellow, but i get the sense i never willā¦. he failedā¦ because he chose to try and save scullyā¦ā¦.
cutscene to skinnerās office, where mulder is giving him a report. and scully walks in and says that dr. stroman DIED IN 1978!!! when skinner asks about the killer, mulder jumps in and says he remains unknownā¦ oh, skinner is def gonna pick up on thatā¦.
so now we see X in a random back alley. getting into a carā¦. WITH CANCER MAN?????? X REPORTS TO CANCER MAN??? he asks if he has completed his work, and X reports that he has cleaned out all the personnel, everything is removed, but mulder still has a device. and mulderās source has been eliminated. but the sourceās source remains unknown. oh, heās def lying through his teeth.
OOOOOOH this episode was SO good.
oh man, my brain is racing in a bunch of different directions. scully breaking down and sobbing into her motherās armsā¦. scully convinced that mulder is a traitor, that he did those terrible things to herā¦. mulder so scared that she was gone, bouncing his basketball, getting a call from the police department that he had to go identify herā¦ choosing her, even in what he thought was death, over following the Truthā¦ the sick and twisted relationship he has with X, and X with Cancer Man, and Cancer Man with the worldā¦ itās making me think of how mulder broke into his house that one time, was going to kill him over what he did to scully, and cancer man had the nerve to say he liked mulderā¦ OOOH my brain is just racing racing racing.Ā
poor scullyā¦ how scared she was, how horrified afterwardā¦Ā
other things that are on my mind, in no particular order: the bond between scully and her mother; mulder being all babygirl on that couch; mulder hopping on that bicycle and picking up some random doll from the murder victim's house; how haunting scully's voice was when she asked him over the phone where he was; their cola drinking; mrs. scully trusting mulder no matter what; how he tried to cover the grief in his voice when he told the lone gunmen he had to go identify her body; how he kicked the door shut of the mystery man, damning the investigation to pay his respects; how his head hovered above the wheel of the car before he got out to do that; how X uses and uses him to no clear end, and what is HE doing reporting to cig man, and what was that random doctor doing conducted fucked up experiments on random people; and scully's miraculously bad aim; mulder's conviction he could talk sense into her (spoiler: he could not); her shame at being convinced he had been the one who abducted her; how terrifying that must have been; and his stupid jokes when he walked into her hospital room, with the sincerity he tries so hard to outrun and outfox breaking through in his whispered why don't you get some rest?
so needless to say, i see why this one is a fan-favorite. this is certainly one i will be revisiting in the future when i need something strong. i have a million things to think over that will stick with me Forever, and i am in no rush to move on from this. in fact, i took these notes yesterday, but in the process of editing them tonight, i have decided i am not ready for the season finale and will have to save it for tomorrow because i'm still feeling So Many Things. so stay tuned to see how that goes, because whew!
#man i did all the typing of the notes yesterday but editing them took another hour today because RAHHHHH there was so much here to unpack#and i am going to KEEP unpacking it for a while#someone please give that man a child it is becoming increasingly evident he loves being around kids#let's get him to talk about his feelings first and then he can have a baby okay? one thing at a time#OHHH WHAT is this X fellow UP TO?!?!? AUGHHH i need to know#scully. my poor poor poor sweet scully. you deserve no pain and yet such pain has been inflicted upon you.#and her poor mother :( she is just the sweetest :( the pictures of dana and missy on her bedside table...#she is so loved :( and she loves mulder too which is so important :(#WAHHHH <- more crying!!!#so good. but in case you were wondering this still didn't bring actual tears to my eyes.#i guess that is just for poor little doggies getting eaten by beasts...#juni's x files liveblog#3x23#the x files#txf
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