#i love janus slander

[jaratedeguadalupe]

patton is the type of person that bakes at the 3 am during a mental breakdown. Remus joins him 

[ultranerdygirl]

idk if we should give specific fandoms in Ask game: unpopular opinion edition but hmm 🤍 for sanders sides and ❤ for gravity falls?

🤍: Which character is not as morally bad as everyone else seems to think?

Sanders Sides: I wanna say Virgil bc I've been seeing a lot of hate for him recently and I will NOT stand for people slandering my favorite boy. He's literally the embodiment of anxiety, cut him some slack. But also...Patton, I think?? People have given him a lot of guff for everything that went down during SVS: Redux and don't seem to realize that morality in itself is multi-faceted and flexible a lot of the time. He was confused and hurting. And going back to Virgil-- obviously he's gonna be pissed at Patton for being friendly with Janus. The Light Sides were so hard on Virge at the beginning of the series because he was "bad" and "evil", and now... well now, I can understand why Virgil is upset. He's probably hurt because it took a LOT less time for the Light Sides (specifically Patton) to "accept" Janus as a part of Thomas and Janus didn't have to undergo as much emotional growth to be accepted. And we don't know Virge's whole history with the Dark Sides. There could've been a time in C!Thomas' life where Janus could've been lying to Virgil a lot and causing his anxiety to go haywire (gaslighting comes to mind-- and I say this as someone who loves Janus-- he could've made Virgil feel worse by trying to deny his existence at all. "Of course Thomas isn't anxious. It's all in his head.")

...holy fuck, I had a lot of Sanders Sides thoughts. It's been a hot minute since I've thought super hard about that series. XD

❤: Which character do you think is the most egregiously mischaracterized by the fandom?

Gravity Falls: Honestly, both Mabel and Dipper. And a majority of their decisions/reactions to stuff can be explained by the fact that they are twelve years old, going through puberty, and siblings don't always get along. They're gonna argue, they're gonna hurt each other's feelings. It happens. They are also SUPER traumatized by the end of the series and that also contributes to their paranoia and some of their inherent selfishness. My feelings on this aren't as complex as the Sanders Sides ones, tbh.

Thank you for asking!! :D

[part-time-zombie]

So after obsessing over that last episode nonstop, I believe I have been able to identify some of the sides love languages! (not all mind you, but enough, even though they're all my headcanons mostly). buckle up, this is a long one (don't say I didn't warn you)

Logan appears to be quality time. He clearly enjoyed and appreciated the various activities patton had planned for him, but he was only upset when he had less time to do it. In fact, most of when he's more sad/angry is when he is blown off, as if his time with them isn't valued. When thomas brushed off the chores to go out with nico in wtit, logan was upset and probably less about neglecting his chores (although that did play a part) but more about how thomas promised to spend the day working with him, and then ignored him again. He even asked roman "how is treating their (the viewers) time as valuable belittling them?" in another episode, though I forgot which one I'm sorry. He was clearly miffed that he was blown off in svs, not only because he knew his input was useful but also because he wanted to spend time with them and be involved: "There's always room for me". It seems pretty clear to me that logan is most happy when he gets to spend time doing what he loves (or with people he loves, wink wink).

Patton is probably gift giving, from what I've seen. He saw logans perfect day as a gift, and as such he was too excited to slow down about it because he wanted to keep giving him the gifts (activities). When virgil was fully accepted and revealed his name in aa, patton gave him the card as his own way of saying "you're family, you're loved". The pasta he gave roman had the secret ingredient of love in it too, and he seemed to really appreciate the card virgil gave him, as he hung it up on his bedroom wall. We could even go further and say that since he eats cookies when he's feeling down, that's because he sees the cookies as a "gift" to himself, like his own form of self love maybe.

Roman is maybe words of affirmation, though I admit this one was tough at first. It may not make sense when you look back on all the "jokes" he made about the Sides, but rewatching athd clears it up a bit. After logan questions his repeated mockery of frozen, he replies "look, this is how I show my love", so if he frequently makes similar banter with the others, it could be seen as his form of loving them. He is so easily charmed by janus (at first) because he is given constant compliments from him, and he is too flattered to realize that these compliments could have an ulterior motive. In fact, after he realized that janus may not have meant all of the nice things he said to him, he is outright hateful towards him, because he feels betrayed by someone who weaponized his love language against him. In this most recent episode, he seems less enthusiastic about how virgil gives him a good day, but mostly holds his tongue until the fairy tale virgil reads can be mistaken as prince slander, at which point he defends the prince in the story as much as himself. He only calms down and falls asleep after virgil reframes and adjusts the ending into a more optimistic and loving story about the prince saving the mermaid. He even compliments himself before going to bed, his own self love.

Idk I'm rambling but this has not left my head. If I can figure out the dark sides I'll make another post

[leconcombrerit]

Canon!Remus: *looks other him up and down and wolf whistles* Wooow you are me, but Roman. Me, but boring! I am so sorry this happened to you, whatever it was, zero outta ten would not recommend.

Reverse!Remus: *looks him up and down demeaningly before turning up his nose theatricality* I do not appreciate the slander, where's the real me? I'd never think of me as boring me! When was the last time this impostor took a bath?

Canon!Remus: *gestures vaguely threateningly to his body* Soap allergy!

Reverse!Remus: *nods understandingly* Yeah that would do it, *throws arm casually over other him's shoulders* I can recommend some brands that won't itch, if you want…

Meanwhile

Both Januses, who haven't had the time to get acquainted by this point: Oh dear lord, there's two of them.

One of the Januses: *face in his hands* This is a nightmare!

The other Janus: *completely in sync* This is hilarious!

The other Janus: *processes what this funhouse mirror doppelganger actually just said* Wait, you mean you're not enjoying this? What is your living situation like?!

(This is on brand for either one of them really. I just feel like one would be so freaking excited by having two Remuses now, and the other would just look So Tired™, and their alter ego would then react with immediate concern.)

@yourmypenguin should definitely see this, I think it slipped into the wrong inbox !

Love the Remuses, love this AU, love the art, lots of love.

[shapa-likes-art]

i like ur fanon logan a lot. makes sense. janus?

My fanon interpretation of Janus:

To preface this: this is my interpretation and my thoughts on Janus. So if you love Janus or Janus favorable, safe to say, there will be some janus slander in this post and thus, for your safety, ignore this. If you get upset, It wouldn't be my fault nor would any slights at me be justifiable. Okay? Okay :)

I think It's not needed to say that I think he's an asshole Both in canon and in my fanon. Except Canon janus is an asshole (Deragotory) and My Fanon Janus is an asshole (Affectionate)

Janus has a lot more redeeming features this time. For one: He feels actual regret for using, manipulating, and using Roman's deepest insecurity against him. He is sarcastic and snippy but he knows when to stop and where the line is with his jabs- except for that one time

He is on a rocky place with Roman, and has yet to properly apologize to him, mainly because each time he approaches, Virgil is immediately there, glaring daggers at him and telling him to fuck off. He is also still not on good terms with Virgil either.

He heavily advocates for self-care and will throw pillows at you until you give in and take a break *cough, Logan, cough* and he often takes self-care breaks himself and encourages others to do so. He also often likes to debate and talk about deep topics.

Instead of being a grade A jerk, he is a well-meaning guy but with the wrong methods.

[thedramaclubs]

It’s not about me

Summery: we’re at the pta meeting and things are about to go down

Ships: Logicality, Prinxiety, demus/dukeceit

When they’re singing

Roman-Red

Remus, Janus, c!thomas-pink

Students and teachers-purple

(Once again I had to change the lyrics to fit the au)

The pta meeting has just started and Mrs Greene is not happy. “I’m sorry so what your saying is the states attorney is forcing us to have a prom?” “No the states attorney wants us to hold an inclusive prom yes, because that’s what they feels best reflects America’s values.” Said Virgil as he’s trying to help Patton. “Well this isn’t America, This is Indiana!!!” The parents and students all cheered and agree.

“Just to be clear, this is still America and everone gets to have their opinions” “MY SON WILL NOT BE FORCED TO GO TO A HOMOSEXUAL PROM!” Screamed a parent and the parents and students cheered again. “Again it’s not a homosexual prom. It’s and inclusive prom.” “WILL THEIR BE HOMOSEXUALS?!” screamed another parent “MAYBE” the parents and student argues and talked over each other “You don’t have to atten of you don’t want to.”

At this point Virgil was getting frustrated “Look I-I’m sorry your upset, but the organization of the prom is within the purview of the student council. Let’s hear what they have to say, Logan?” Logan stood up “Well we want prom to go on, obviously. It’s supposed to be a celabration of all students-”

Mrs Greene cane running down in front of the podium and got in front of Logan “Okay. No I’m sorry but this is not a student matter, this is about the government tearing our community apart! It’s about big government taking away our freedom of choice!” “OKAY, OKAY, this is not about government intervention. Patton what is this about?”

“I just want to go to prom like any other kid.”

“But you can’t. He can’t because apparently this school is homophobic!” The parents and teachers started to argue again

“And that’s why the courts are involved. Ask yourselves “What exactly it it you find so frightening about homosexuals?””

At that very moment, Remus, Janus, Joan and Thomas came bursting into the room with protest signs

“STOP,STOP, HOLD IT! What you are doing here is wrong!” Screamed Remus. Everyone In the room was confused yet terrified

“I’m sorry. Who are you?” Asked Mrs Greene

“Where’s our boy? Patton? PATTON?!”

Patton raised his hand “I’m Patton” the actors walked up to him “Patton’s my name is Remus, and I’m here to tell you that you are not alone okay? Me and my husband Janus are as gay as a bucket of wigs” Remus grabbed Janus and quickly kissed him and everyone in the gym was horrified “A BUCKET OF ‘EM! And we are her from New York and we are gonna save you. Tomorrow we will hold a rally and there’ll be banners and choreography!”

Everyone started fighting and it got louder and louder until Mrs Greene stopped it.

“EXCUSE ME! What is going on? Who the hell are you people?!” “We are liberal democratics from Broadway” Thomas said as he put his hands on his hips

“We are here to open your tiny little minds” Remus did and inappropriate move that made Mrs Greene back away and in Janus’s mind at the moment was thinking “that’s my husband and I love him so much right now”. “The five of us.....Where the hells Roman?”

Trumpets started playing and Roman then came bursting into the room looking fabulous and struck a pose next to the podium

“Oh my god! Your Roman Allen!” Said Virgil in shocked

“You bet your ass I am” “W-What are you doing hear?!” “I’m changing the world. Now if you’ll excuse me.” Roman then went to the center of the gym struck another pose and then their musical number they had planed started

🎶I want to tell the people of..........................................whatever this towns called. I know what’s going on here and frankly I’m appalled, I read three quarters of a news story and knew I had to come and unless I’m doing The Miracle Worker. IIIIIIIIIIII won’t play blind, deaf, and dumb🎶

🎶Listen you bigoted monsters just who do you think you are, your prejudice and your oppression won’t get ast this Broadway Star. Stealing the rights of a man who is an LGBQ-Teen, and if you can’t tell we’re all one of them if you can’t see🎶

🎶But it’s not about me it’s about poor..... (Patton!) Patton for can’t you see the raw deal he’s been dealt. So hear my plea or here’s your next dilemma, how do you silence a man who’s know for his belt. Sing it Eleanor! HIS BELLLLLLLLT!!!. But it’s not about me🎶

“Get them out of here now!”screamed Mrs Greene at Virgil

🎶Go on an threaten to riot it won’t phase me in the least. I understand furious townsfolk. I did Beauty and the Beast.🎶

🎶I’m no stranger to slander, So my dear your not alone. The Post said that I was to old to play Eva Perón. EVA PERÓÓÓÓÓÓÓÓÓÓN🎶

🎶But it is not about me, it’s Patton’s story, damn it! Equality should be this country’s norm. No photography unless you instagram it use #Romantakeslocalyokelsbystorm. But it’s not about me🎶

🎶I didn’t come here to make a scene. But I know how Patton’s heart aches. And this is how actors intervene with fiery songs and dance breaks🎶

Roman, Remus, and Janus started to do a dance break and Thomas was on the bleachers hitting a cow bell. They nailed every move and now Roman is on a moving stair case

🎶But it’s not about me although I’m rich and famous. Publicity is not my final goal (call security)🎶

🎶You needn’t be some backwoods ignoramus. Join me and we’ll start fighting could I get softer lighting? Wait this is...NOOOOOOT (Not, not not) ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!🎶

🎶This is not about- 🎶

🎶What is happening? 🎶

🎶This is not about- 🎶

🎶What is happening? 🎶

🎶This is not about-🎶

🎶This is all about....Patton and not about MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!🎶

People to tag/ @artissijules @patt-off

Are you sure about that Roman? Next part is gonna be my favorite

[whyiask]

Just a Stupid Dare (ch.9)

Masterpost Ao3 Link tws: u!dark sides (not as much virgil anymore), peer pressure(???) i don’t know, Janus is just generally a Not Good person, some swearing notes:.....hahaha.....long time no see...... so things have been a bit busy lately and I'm almost ready to hop back onto my consistent posting schedule. For now, enjoy this update :) expect more consistent updates starting again soon <3 thank you all for reading (please feel free to drop by my askbox to yell at me about this fic! i would absolutely love it.)

Virgil swallowed nervously. Why wouldn’t he be nervous? What was he even supposed to tell them? ‘Oh, so you know how I was supposed to befriend Roman so that we could hurt him? Well turns out, I actually like being his friend and now I don’t know what to do.’

Yeah no. He had to think of something better than that.

Janus was staring at him expectantly, coldly. Virgil had to bite back a shiver at the downright murderous glint in his eyes.

Remus pushed past him into the house, pulling out a miniature metal detector and moving towards the pantry. Virgil watched him go, slightly confused but used to the odd behavior. Janus watched him leave impassively.

“What. The fuck. Was that about.”

Virgil opened his mouth to respond but Janus cut him off with a sharp wave of his hand.

“And don’t even think of lying to me.” The words were cold and quiet, and Virgil couldn’t stop the tiny flinch.

His mind raced. What did Janus want from him? To hurt Roman. To bully an innocent peer. Right. He could work with this.

“I- uh-” He cast his mind around, searching for an answer to the question. He himself didn’t know what the honest answer would be. What even were they anymore? Were they, dare he say it, friends?

No. He couldn’t get his hopes up. It’s too late for that. He was already neck deep in this mess, and it would be unfair to Roman to start being genuine now, ignoring his past malicious intent.

“Time,” he blurted out, panicking at the sight of Janus’s eyebrow slowly creeping up his face. “I just need more time.”

“Time to do what, exactly?” Janus’s stare was piercing and Virgil forced himself to commit to the lie.

“Time to befriend him. He doesn’t fully trust me yet. Today was a big step, he finally felt comfortable enough to come over, but you two showing up might’ve thrown that back a little bit.”

The lies tasted bitter on his tongue. There was no way he could carry through with the plan, he couldn’t. He couldn’t hurt Roman, when all Roman had been was kind and charming and ridiculously endearing and-

Janus’s entire demeanor changed in an instant. It was like someone had flicked on a light switch. His eyes cleared of their hard anger and distrust, and his lips twitched into a semi-smirk.

“That’s… actually not a horrible plan. I didn’t think you’d be sticking to this so much.” His tone was mildly impressed, and Virgil felt his heart swell a little in pride, before shaking himself. No. This was the guy who wanted to hurt Roman. (When had Roman become such an influence in his decisions? He didn’t know, he would never know.)

“Yeah, well, you know what they say about me.” Virgil shrugged awkwardly. Janus barked out a laugh and Virgil felt his muscles relax a millimeter.

“Oh, do humor me. What do they say?” Janus’s tone was teasing and Virgil hummed a reply. This felt so natural, so easy. He could almost forget about how scared he had been not a minute earlier.

“I never do anything half-assed. BS’ing my way through a project? I’ll go all out. Anxiety? Better go all out and make it severe anxiety. Befriending a nobody to ultimately backstab them? Well, never let it be said that I don’t try my absolute hardest to get it right.”

Virgil was almost ashamed of how easily the slander rolled off his tongue. This wasn’t right, he shouldn’t be talking about Roman as if he were just some random kid. Janus laughed again.

“Let’s say… a week, then,” said Janus, eyes glinting with mischief and glee.

Virgil was jolted out of his thoughts. “A week for what?”

“A week to befriend him, utterly and completely. If you flake out, I won’t blame you. I bet it’s pretty hard to pretend to like that absolute loser. I bet $20 that you’ll drop out before the week is over. Prove me wrong, Virgil Summers. Prove me wrong.”

The last words were barely above a whisper and Virgil gave Janus a mini mock salute.

“Maybe I will.”

Remus popped out of the pantry, effectively ruining the moment.

“He trusts so easily, honestly. The wimp tried to befriend me at first, but I showed him what’s it’s really like to be a Stone. He gets so attached and so so emotional. Like waah waah, I don’t want to be your friend, you fuckin naked mole rat.”

Janus laughed and Virgil forced out a laugh too. Remus ranted for a few more minutes about his step brother, before finally moving on. The Dark Sides stayed over for a few hours, and Virgil felt himself relax into an easy state around them again. It was only after they left that he allowed himself to think.

Virgil turned away from the door and something caught his eye. Roman’s jacket still hung from his coat rack. He lifted it off gently and held it gently. Looking at it closer, he nearly snorted with laughter. It was knee-length and dramatic and so unbelievably Roman. He could not imagine a single other person pulling off such a fashion statement, but with Roman, the long trenchcoat and round, tinted red glasses worked.

Roman could probably pull off anything, no matter how dramatic of a statement, if he was being honest. But like usual, Virgil’s main hobby included lying to himself and everyone around him.

Lies… weren’t his favorite thing. They were much more Jan’s thing, what with manipulation and the works. He preferred to work behind the shadows, where no one could see and question him, where he wouldn’t be put on the spot and forced to sound convincing enough to alter someone’s perception of reality. Sure, he might be fairly good at stretching the truth, but that was just that. Based on truth. Based on a solid foundation to work with.

He was getting away with so many lies, and that scared him. He didn’t want to be a liar, not to his closest friends. Janus and Remus and Roman- when had Roman made it onto that list?

As much as he hated to admit it, Roman was one of his favorite people, ever. He had one week. One week to figure out what to do. Who to pick. One week.

It was altogether way too much time and not nearly enough.

He looked down at the ridiculous coat in his arms. One week was all he had.

After that… who knew what would happen. It would be over. He wasn’t quite sure what was going to end, but in his heart, he knew something would never be the same again.

One week.

He didn’t have a fucking clue on what to do.

Only one week.

He took a deep breath. He would enjoy this, as much as he could. He would treasure this time with Roman and he wouldn’t think too hard about what was to come.

He’d burn that bridge when he got to it.

[craftypeaceturtle]

A is for Arrival...?

Summary: Remus and Janus are shopping ready for the new arrival for their family.

Note: The start of an AU and series because I’m just a sucker for any type of familiar sides. Romantic Demus and Royality.

Next Part: B is for Baby Time

.

“Hey Jay?” Remus suddenly stopped; his eyes enormous. 

“Yes, dear?” Janus put on a dramatic Victorian tone, his spine straightening with his hand frozen poised with the packet of washing up sponges. 

“Do we need to get birthday stuff?” Janus immediately scrunched his face, “No wait! Listen. You celebrate your kid’s birthday every year so surely you celebrate his first ever one ever. Right?”

Janus stared into the distance as he dropped the sponges on the floor, “Call your brother.”

“No,” Remus whined but still pulled up his phone and promptly shoved it into Janus’ chest, “He’ll only make fun of me if I ask it. If you ask it, then maybe he’ll presume he’s the stupid!”

“Did he celebrate Logan’s first ever ever birthday? What would you even call it? First day of existence?” Janus frowned as he speed dialled the number. 

“If he did, he didn’t invite me!” Remus shrugged before picking up the sponges. He immediately crowded into Janus and smooshed himself into his shoulder. 

They picked up on the second ring, Patton’s sigh answering. Something that they probably weren’t supposed to hear. “Hello Roman. We just have a quick question,” Janus chirped. 

“Hey Janus. It’s Patton by the way. Wow, another question, huh?” Patton, meanwhile, gave Roman a stern look and thrusted the phone at him again. Roman pulled a face as he shrugged and ducked back down behind the sofa. Frowning, he put it on speaker so they could both suffer, “What did you want to ask?”

“Should we celebrate our baby’s first ever day? Like a birthday but for their very very first birthday?” 

“What!” Roman shrieked before leaping back on to the sofa; ever so suddenly finding the strength to talk. 

“What do you mean ‘what’! God, he’s such a douche,” Remus muttered.

“I’m a douche, oh am I? Why would you celebrate a baby’s first ever day. It’s their first ever day in this world! They get overwhelmed and scared so easily. It’s a big scary world out there and you’re going to shove a party in their face! The baby is barely old enough to move it’s own hands! It’s a baby!” Roman complained while Patton giggled.

“To treat this seriously for a second, when you finally get your baby, the very last thing you want to do is mess around too much. After all this time, all that waiting, you finally get this tiny fragile baby. A tiny itty bitty baby. All you’ll want to do is just sit there and watch them quietly. A party is the last thing you’ll think to do. Heh, me and Roman even forgot to eat that day and only remembered hours later,” Patton spoke softly with his own memories uplifting his annoyance. Roman smiled and knocked their shoulders together. 

“...So is it worth buying like finger food in case we forget to eat?” Remus interrupted.

“Uh... yeah? I mean, yeah that would work,” Roman fumbled.

“Okay. Cheers. Bye!” Remus called out while Janus rolled his eyes, “Wow. We really need to get them something for putting up with all this.”

“Well I’m going to keep talking to them, you weirdo.” Janus ran his hand through Remus’ crazed curls but he was quickly shrugged off as Remus went to evaluate which bleach was best for their toilet, “How are you two?”

“Yeah, all’s good here! Just your typical day, what are you doing?” Patton chirped.

“Baby shopping mixed with some normal shopping. Extremely exciting, I’m sure you’re jealous,” Janus felt his voice go soft at just the mere mention of his coming baby.

“Aww! That’s so sweet,” Patton sighed, “I miss that so much about Logie. Baby clothes shopping is the only reason worth becoming a dad.”

“Oh Pat! Such slander, I’m impressed,” Janus laughed.

“Oh hush! Everyone knows that baby clothes are the best cutest things in existence. Aw, are you going to buy Halloween clothes! Me and Roman saw some adorable skeleton onesies today and I came this close to buying it for the baby.”

“Yeah, I think at this point we’ve bought him more Halloween clothes than normal baby stuff. That’s the whole reason we still have to do some shopping. There were these pumpkin shoes and socks. Oh Pat! I swear if I wasn’t so macho and cool, I would’ve cried. Baby shoes are just so tiny!” Remus raised a brow at his squealing voice. But then he also knew exactly what Janus was talking about just from his tone alone. Those shoes were actually pretty cute. 

“They are right! Aw, do you know any more about the baby?”

“Well...” Janus drawled while Remus took a breath. They agreed that Janus was going to deal with this breaking news.

“We met up with the mother yesterday.”

“Oh! My! Oh! Oh, Jayjay! That’s amazing! How was she?” Remus quickly snatched the phone and flicked it to speaker. Janus raised a brow at him but he was only met with the most mischievous smirk back. He frowned but turned back to continue talking only now with Patton’s voice squeaking out across the aisle. 

“She looked exhausted. I felt so bad for her. Meeting up for a coffee looked like the very last thing she wanted to do,” Remus said. 

“Bless her,” Janus sighed, “She was lovely.”

“Aw, that’s good. We never really got to meet our surrogate, how come yours wanted to meet?”

“Well, she apparently had a bit of a health scare. All is good! Everything is all good! But she just wanted to sit down with us and actually go through everything that happened. So we sat and talked about the health of the baby. Again, all is good obviously. But... so... we may or may not have found out our baby’s gender,” Janus winced once the squeal erupted over the phone. Remus cackled at the amount of people who turned to look at them with dirty looks before he turned the speaker off again. Ah, yes wouldn’t be a trip to the shops if Remus couldn’t spread some mild chaos. 

“What’s their gender!” Patton screamed before launching up from the sofa. Roman was giggling as Patton jumped up and down and spun him around. 

“We’re having a boy!” Janus smiled. He would deny the glow in his chest for this rest of his life but he couldn’t help but grab Remus’ hand. Remus smiled, thankfully, and squeezed his hand with his own lovesick smile. Their baby boy.

“Oh a boy!” Patton squealed high enough for dogs. 

“Typical, not one girl in this entire family,” Roman chuckled. 

“Oh congrats guys! When’s the due date again?” Patton sighed.

“10th of December. I almost feel bad for the boy. He’s going to have to put up with the whole Christmas birthday combination.”

“I’m still upset that he wasn’t a Halloween baby,” Remus frowned. 

They chatted for a few more minutes before Janus finally hung up. They were still holding hands- they would look exactly like a couple from a lovey film if they actually dressed like normal people rather than Disney villains. All they needed to do now grab was some more normal baby outfits. A very simple easy task. Just look at some clothes and chose some cute functional clothes.

But every single time... every single time, they would find the most abnormal baby outfits possible. That and they always spent a good ten solid minutes of staring at the tiny shoes. They looked like build-a-bear shoes. They didn’t even look real. 

“I can’t wait until he arrives,” Remus mumbled as he picked up a hideous orange dinosaur patterned jumper set. Janus tried to hide the smile but he quickly placed his head on his shoulder as they stood there. 

“Neither can I. He can’t come soon enough. Just like how you can’t put back that gross set soon enough.”

“You don’t like it! I think it’s cute.” Remus tilted his head as if that made it cuter. 

“He’s so not going to be an orange baby.”

“You don’t know that! Does he even need a colour?”

“You’ve got green, I like yellow. He also needs a colour. While we can still have control over what he wears at least,” Janus stated like Remus was a toddler trying to argue that the sky was green. 

“So we both have our ugly colours. Then he also needs an ugly colour too! Orange is a disgusting colour!” Remus thrusted the jumper in his face. 

“Oh totally exactly, dear,” Janus rolled his eyes before he then felt the passion erupt from him, “Okay. Firstly, for your information, yellow is a beautiful colour thank you very much. You’re the one that chose the grossest colour of green to embrace. He can have purple,” Janus winced as he guided Remus’ hand back down to the shelf. 

“Purple?” 

“Yes. A beautiful colour. Not only does it screw over superfluous ridiculous gender roles, it also is close enough to match our dress senses,” Janus stated with a proud look. Remus opened his mouth but then snapping it shut with a respectful nod. Yep, that sounded like a plan.  

They eventually found some normal tiny eeny weeny pair of jeans and they used all of their collective strength to stay clear of all the Halloween clothes and bought some presentable jumpers. Janus was finally starting to get fed up with standing around in a shop before he realised that Remus’ eyes kept flicking to a shelf behind them. 

He never made any move to actually go look at whatever it was and he never mentioned it. Janus found every reason to keep looking at the same pairs of stripey socks to give him time but he still said nothing. It was so uncommon that Remus felt shy about suggesting something. What could be the harm? “What you looking at?” Janus asked while exaggeratedly turning around.

“Um... I just noticed...” Remus drawled off. It was just a discount shelf. It was stacked with just random broken items that clearly no one ever take any interest in. Remus shyly sulked up to it and pushed aside the chipped mugs and torn notebooks without any hesitation. He pulled up a baby blanket. 

It was the exact same incredibly soft material all baby stuff was made from. The stuff where your hand magnetised to its softness. It was a quilted baby blanket in a pastel lilac. It was cute but it wouldn’t be on a discounted shelf without reason. There was a large smudge of black marker on its corner. But as Remus held it up, Janus laughed. It wasn’t quilted. It was sewn to be a spider web pattern around the blanket. Clearly an old Halloween gimmick. 

He turned to ask if Remus was all ready to go then and was immediately punched in the stomach. Remus was all teary eyed and awkwardly looking anywhere but him. His fingers brushed through the blanket over and over again. 

“Oh Reem,” Janus cooed and tugged the blanket from his grasp but he didn’t let go.

“I don’t even know why I’m tearing up!” Remus pressed his arms against his face. Janus felt himself tearing up as well. Something about how Remus’ voice would go all wobbly and pitchy when he was on the edge of tears just always got to him, “Just... oh this is so fucking stupid.”

“Well you’ve got us both crying in a shop at 9 in the morning. I’d say it sounds pretty dumb,” Janus smiled.

“Just... he could be our little spider. Just like how I’m your octopus and you’re my snake,” Remus’ voice was practically crumbling away. Janus felt a disgusting childish tear slip down his face.

“Oh Reem.” Janus hugged him, only so he didn’t have to experience the embarrassment of people seeing his husband’s gross taste in blankets of course. 

“How much spider stuff have we bought him! Like that would be perfect. And this is purple and spider!” Remus felt a tear escape his control too but he just buried his nose in Janus’ hair. 

“Oh you are such a nightmare of a husband. I’m taking you back to the husband shop and refunding you,” Janus groaned, he broke away and snatched the blanket from his grasp and shoved it into their trolley. At least it was cheap. Plus they would probably end up staining it with gross new born baby vomit anyway. 

[emy-loves-you]

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 2

Breakfast and Disney

Virgil decides to text Roman again. They have a fun argument over Disney movies.

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol and sex, vulgar language, and openly trans character

Chapter 1 | Masterlist | Chapter 3

Virgil woke up to a splitting headache. He immediately screwed his eyes shut, hands going to grip his hair. The lights were too bright, his throat was too dry, and he’s pretty sure there’s someone sleeping next to him. What the hell happened?

The memories hit him like a freight train. Arriving late to the party, meeting Mr. Sanders (“Call me Thomas,” he had said, flashing his perfect smile with his perfect teeth and perfect lips), and signing him up as a potential producer. Technically they had enough money and popularity to keep their band afloat without a producer, but to get such an influential man on their team was a dream come true. They got back to Janus’ house at around 2 AM, where they promptly got wasted. Virgil could still taste whatever expensive shit Janus had grabbed from the cellar. Speaking of Janus...

Virgil slowly opened his eyes, nearly hissing at the light shining through the giant windows. He looked over from his spot on the floor (how did he get there?) and found Janus and Remus cuddling together, a bottle of wine nestled between them. Remus was drooling, and Virgil noticed multiple hickeys along Janus’ throat. Virgil smiled as he got up. His two friends and essentially brothers had an odd relationship, but Virgil respected it. It was obvious that they were in love, but they didn’t want to put a label on it yet. They had offered for Virgil to join them, but he had declined. While Virgil did care for the other two deeply, he didn’t share the same spark that they did.

Virgil eventually found his way to the bathroom, quickly losing whatever remained in his stomach. He sat on the cold tile, waiting for the nausea to pass. He hadn’t drank that much in a long time. He should ask Janus if he can bring one of those bottles home. He’ll probably bitch for a few days (Janus liked to use alcohol as an excuse for Virgil to come over) but he’ll get over it.

Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz

Virgil grabbed his phone out of his jacket pocket (why was he still wearing his jacket?) and turned off his 10 AM alarm. He almost always woke up before his alarm went off, but his anxiety made him use the alarm anyways. He quickly checked for any new messages, and noticed his rather lackluster response to Roman helping him yesterday. He helped me get through an anxiety attack, and all I had to say was ‘thank you?’ The least I could do is apologize. Before his hungover brain could remind him of how stupid of an idea that was, he had already sent a text.

V- (10:02 AM) Hey, I just wanted to apologize for last night. You ended up being right, my friend was just running late. I ended up having a pretty good time, all things considered. Thanks for helping me through that attack. It meant a lot to me. I was still a little disoriented last night so I wasn’t wanting to type much. Again, thank you for helping a stranger. You're a good guy, Princey.

Before Virgil could second-guess himself, he locked his phone and got up. He quickly took some painkillers and went to find some form of a healthy breakfast. Virgil had always been self-conscious of how he looked, so he tended to eat light and work out when possible. He ended up finding enough eggs and veggies to make a few omelets. Virgil decided to make his last, knowing that Remus and Janus would be awake before the first one was finished. Sure enough, as soon as the first omelet was ready to be flipped, Remus was skipping into the kitchen, dragging a disgruntled Janus behind him. How that man had any energy this early in the morning with a hangover was a mystery to Virgil. He quickly served Remus his omelet, who proceeded to pour an obscene amount of salt onto it. Virgil cringed as he turned to make Janus’ omelet. He tuned out their conversation until he heard his name.

“Well I think Virgil should sleep with him-”

Virgil whipped around so fast that he almost burned himself on the stove. “WHAT?!?”

Remus scoffed, twirling his fork between his fingers. “While Tomathy did seem pretty convinced last night, a little bit of extra persuasion never hurt anybody. While I would normally volunteer, I don’t think that man has ever seen a vagina, much less wants to fuck one. And he seemed to be afraid of Janny over here, so you’re it, pumpkin.”

Virgil blushed, turning back to omelet making. Janus sighed, “Remus, darling, I don’t believe that Mr. Sanders requires any more... incentive. However, if Virgil decided to pursue that type of relationship with him... I wouldn’t be opposed.”

Virgil let out a squeak, his face even redder as he gave Janus his food. Remus laughed. “What’s the matter, Veevee? Cat got your dick? Even if you don’t sleep with Mr. Business, you should still get around more! Sex is good for the soul.”

Virgil flipped him off, resulting in another chuckle. He turned back to make his own omelet. Sure, Virgil hadn’t been in a relationship since, well, ever, but that wasn’t his fault! He just hadn’t found the right person yet, that’s all! Besides, Virgil didn’t do one night stands. The idea of sleeping with a stranger left a knot in his stomach.

By the time Virgil sat down with his omelet, Remus was already done. He started bouncing around ideas for new songs, with Virgil or Janus occasionally adding their own ideas.

Bzzz

Virgil glanced at his phone, seeing that he had a response from Roman. He went to unlock his phone.

“Who’s that?”

Virgil jumped, staring face-to-face with Janus. He could see where Janus’ question was coming from, since before now Virgil only ever texted Janus and Remus. “Just a random guy that I accidentally texted last night. I didn’t really apologize well last night, so I texted him again earlier today.” Janus and Remus both smirked. "I swear to god, whatever you two are thinking, it's wrong."

Janus tilted his head, looking like an innocent little angel (innocent my ass). "Whatever would we be thinking about, Virgil?" He turned to look at Remus. "Is this why Virgil found the idea of sleeping with Mr. Sanders so scandalous?" Virgil groaned, hoping that his meal would distract him from the cackling idiots in front of him.

By the time Virgil (finally) got home, wine tucked under one arm, he had almost forgotten about Roman's text. He quickly checked it, almost snorting at what he saw.

R-(10:35 AM) What can I say except you're welcome! Seriously, it was no problem. I'm happy that you had a good time at the party. It was a pleasure to help, storm cloud.

Virgil was halfway through typing a response before he stopped. Technically he could leave the text as it is and move on like nothing happened. On the other hand, Roman seemed like a fun guy to talk to. Surely he would tell Virgil if he wanted to stop talking to him, right? He ended up sending the text anyways, wanting to see if Roman would respond.

V- (11:45 AM) Really, you're gonna start your text with a Moana reference? You really are a Disney Prince, aren't ya Princey? And what's with the 'storm cloud' anyway?

Virgil expected a lot of things. Roman could block his number. He could poke fun at Virgil's anxiety attack from last night. He could take forever to respond, just to ask Virgil to never text him again. What Virgil didn't expect, however, was for an immediate, yet passionate, response.

R- (11:46 AM) DISNEY IS A BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE THAT WILL ALWAYS HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

R- (11:46 AM) Sorry, I got a little emotional I REALLY like Disney. And the reason I called you 'storm cloud' is because you didn't give me another name to call you, storm cloud. And I will take the Disney prince jab as a complement.

Virgil laughed, already typing out a response. He probably shouldn't be giving out his name to a near stranger, but he didn't think it would matter much. Virgil Storm was a nobody, a reject from the foster system. Sure, he was secretly singer/songwriter Anxiety, but Roman didn't need to know that.

V- (11:47 AM) Sorry, the name's Virgil, he/him pronouns. And I didn't mean it as a jab, Disney's got a place in my heart too.

R- (11:48 AM) REALLY!?!? WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIE? DISNEY CLASSICS OR PIXAR? FAVORITE DISNEY PRINCESS? THESE ARE ALL VERY IMPORTANT

V- (11:48 AM) Um, okay. Nightmare Before Christmas, Classics, and does Elsa count as a Disney Princess?

R- (11:49 AM) Nope. Elsa is QUEEN. WE WILL NOT SLANDER SUCH A GODDESS!

V- (11:49 AM) Geez, let it go, Princey

R- (11:49 AM) N(ice) one

V- (11:49 AM) Then I've gotta go with Cinderella. She decided to make one slightly bad decision last her entire life, as opposed to other princesses making a decision that immediately through their lives away. Though that is what makes the movie interesting.

R- (11:50 AM) What do you mean?

V- (11:50 AM) Disney is known for being pure and innocent, but it contains tons of sinister undertones.

R- (11:50 AM) Not all of them!

V- (11:50 AM) Let's play a game then, we each pick a movie and describe the message that we believe the audience was supposed to receive.

R- (11:51 AM) Alrighty then, I'll go first. Cinderella: Believe in your dreams and, one day, they will come true.

V- (11:51 AM) Sure, just literally wait around your entire life, subjecting yourself to the cruelty of your ungrateful ignorant family members, until some MAGICAL fairy comes along to save you. Don't take action yourself. Not to mention man can't memorize the face of a woman they've been dancing around with for hours, they have to rely on the shoe, ergo men are idiots.

R- (11:52 AM) He was a very busy prince! He had a lot on his mind.

V- (11:52 AM) Fine, what do you think about Snow White?

R- (11:52 AM) Okay. So this time the message is to NOT do what the Princess did: Don't accept random fruit from strangers.

V- (11:53 AM) The bigger message is to just run away from your problems and become a housekeeper for 7 men. Not to mention a Prince comes out of nowhere and plants a kiss on a seemingly sleeping girl? I guess consent isn't really that important?

R- (11:54 AM) He thought she was DEAD! It was a farewell kiss!

R- (11:54 AM) Okay, how about Peter Pan. Don't let your childhood spirit ever die.

V- (11:55 AM) Also it's totally fine to believe a random stranger when they tell you to jump out a window after they've broken into your house. But I guess that's how your whole being would die.

R- (11:55 AM) COME ON! Can you REALLY look down so harshly on these movies?!?

V- (11:55 AM) I still like them! There's just some darker messages that we don't first see.

R- (11:56 AM) Bambi

V- (11:56 AM) Man is dangerous

R- (11:56 AM) Pocahontas

V- (11:56 AM) White man is dangerous

R- (11:56 AM) SLEEPING BEAUTY

V- (11:56 AM) Well now we’re back to the lack of consent with sleeping women

R- (11:56 AM) IT WAS TO LIFT A CURSE!!

V- (11:57 AM) Am I wrong?

R- (11:58 AM) …No, I suppose not. I guess there are darker aspects that I did not take into account. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that those movies are intending on teaching such… immoral lessons.

V- (11:58 AM) And I never said that they were. That’s just my interpretation of them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

When 5 minutes passed with no response, Virgil deemed it the end of that conversation. He went to go take a shower (he still smelt like alcohol and vomit) and hopefully get some ideas for his next song. Maybe something about interpretations?

By the time Virgil was out of the shower and fully dressed, there was a new message on his phone. He went to check it and was surprised by what he saw.

R- (12:12 PM) Virgil, in the span of just 30 minutes, you have given me one of the most invigorating debates I have ever gone through. I would really like to have another one in the future. Would you like to join a group chat with me and my friends, Patton and Logan? I have a feeling that you would get along quite nicely. You are not obligated under any means, but I can see that we have the potential to be great friends. What d’ya say, storm cloud?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist (please let me know if you want to be added or removed!):

@bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess

[jaratedeguadalupe]

hc that patton and janus are lowkey competitive in the kitchen 

[whenisitenoughtrees]

ok feel free to ignore this if you don't want to: again for 'the point in just drowning another day' from 'You’re too hard on yourself' to 'Just that it’s true, and right now, that is enough'? again if it's too long just the parts you want to! (also no i don't ship moceit in the sligtest what are you talking about)

whaaaaat? you? ship moceit? i never would have gotten that impression, don’t know what you’re trying to say here /j

dvd commentary

the point in just drowning another day

under the cut!

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Janus murmurs, voice entirely too knowing, entirely too understanding, and Patton doesn't know that he can handle the depth of this empathy. “You deserve to have the support that you’ve been trying so hard to provide.”

He falls silent, then, the movie still playing but long since forgotten, and Patton has to take a moment to absorb what has just been said.

really, janus is the only person who can tell patton this and actually get through to him, since patton’s biggest problem is that he refuses to think about himself with any selfishness at all. which is um. not good

also, the movie is forgotten bc it’s been a long time since i watched the aristocats and i cannot remember more than a few specific scenes so. y’all get some vague narration

He’s not too hard on himself. He can’t be. Everything he’s said and thought these past few weeks has been true, completely and utterly; it was his mistakes that drove the others away from him, and it is his responsibility to correct those mistakes. And if the others don’t want to see him, don’t want to talk to him, then that’s fine. It’s their right, and he doesn’t blame them at all, can’t possibly blame them when most of him believes that they’re right to do so, right to avoid him, because after everything, he can’t possibly deserve--

Oh.

But Janus says he does deserve it. That he deserves help, that he deserves support. Who, then, is right?

the thing about this is that they’re both right, at least a little. patton is right in believing that he messed up, because he did, and he’s also right to believe that he bears at least some of the responsibility to fix his mistakes. but! he’s letting his guilt drive him to an extreme, and he’s been taking on the responsibility of not just his mistakes, but everyone else’s too. or rather, he’s not letting himself think that they’ve made any mistakes at all, instead thinking that he’s the only one who’s messed up

janus, meanwhile, is completely right in that he deserves support. because he does. he deserves to let someone else take care of him for once

“Think about it this way,” Janus says, as if sensing his struggle. “If your positions were reversed, if, say, Virgil had messed up and everyone was avoiding him, would you think that’s what he deserved?”

janus may or may not be a little salty

Well, of course not. Everyone deserves love and support, even when they make mistakes, because--

Oh.

The realization comes crashing down with the force of the loudest thunderclap, and something deep within him twists, wrenches at his heart and at his stomach, and all the breath is knocked out of him as he suddenly finds himself falling forward, landing hard on Janus’ lap, arms and legs achy and all too human. Janus yanks his arms out from under the blankets to catch him, his lips parted in surprise.

it’s a first step. a baby step, if you will. and as soon as patton begins to entertain the possibility that he deserves help, it’s enough to let him force himself back into human shape

also, janus is holding him for the rest of this conversation. if he were standing, it’d be a bridal carry

“But I hurt them,” Patton says, the words ripped from him as if by force, desperate, like the world might just crumble into pieces if he doesn’t get an answer. “I hurt all of them, so much.”

“And their hurt is valid,” Janus says. “Each one of them is entitled to their anger and their pain. But Patton, so are you.”

this is something i wanted to make sure to include, because the last thing i wanted was for it to seem like the others were in any way unsympathetic. because the fact is that patton did hurt them, and they are absolutely valid to be feeling the way that they are

the issue is that they’re not dealing with their feelings in a particularly healthy way, for anybody. which has led to them hurting patton in turn

which they don’t know they’re doing, btw. just to be clear, they are absolutely not trying to hurt patton back, and they’d feel awful if they knew they were. but patton’s certainly not about to tell them, and they’re all too caught up in their own issues to realize it

He bursts into tears at that, the dam breaking at last, and he lurches forward, flinging his arms around Janus’ neck and burying his face into his shoulder where the blankets have slipped away. Janus makes a startled noise, and then brings his arms up to embrace him, holding him tight and close as he runs the gamut of all the emotions he has been pushing back.

crying really is the best thing you can do, sometimes. especially since patton’s been holding so much back and internalizing the idea that he deserved to suffer

“You’re loved,” Janus says. “They all love you, even though it may seem otherwise right now. They love you, and they’ll be ready to show it again, in time.” He pauses, and his next sentence carries a strange weight, a slightly different tone, a reticence and a rushed eagerness all at once. “And I love you, Patton. Please don’t forget that.”

janus is allergic to genuinely sharing his emotions, so admitting that he cares about patton was a bit like pulling teeth for him. but he’s telling the full truth and nothing but the truth here

He sniffles. “Even though I’m getting snot all over you?” he asks into his shirt, and Janus laughs, startled.

“Even so,” he answers. “It’s snot an issue.”

Patton gasps, thrilled despite himself. He still can’t bring himself to display the reaction he would normally have, but he manages a weak smile. “Pun,” he says, voice still muffled by fabric.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Janus says. “I would never in my life crack a pun. Lies and slander.”

i had it pointed out in the ao3 comments that i missed an opportunity here and i am still mad at myself for it so i will share it with you now

janus should’ve said, “I would never in my life croak a pun.” and he would have. if i’d thought of it

hnggggggggggh

Patton pulls back a bit, enough to see his face, and is shocked to find that he is crying too, though he looks much more dignified than Patton is certain he does. For a moment, his heart fills with an overflowing, overpowering love, and before he can think better of it, he leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. Janus’ breath hitches, but Patton doesn’t back down, staring him straight in the eyes.

“I love you too,” he says, and in the moment, doesn’t know exactly how he means it. Just that it’s true, and right now, that is enough.

they definitely both have feelings for each other. but this is the most explicitly romantic they get, just because i didn’t want to accidentally portray romantic love as some kind of magic fix-all. because patton is still struggling. patton is still depressed. and janus’ love and support is helping, it really is, but it can’t solve everything, and there is a long road to recovery ahead. it’ll be better now that he has someone to help him, but the journey is still gonna be tough

also, the fic was never supposed to be about romance anyway, so i didn’t think it would feel right to end it with them explicitly getting together

they love each other, and they both know it, and that’s enough. it doesn’t so much matter how they love each other, just that they do

(but as a sidenote, you can bet that janus was internally panicking so hard over that cheek kiss. the gay flailing never stops)

[asoftervirge]

Of “Love” & Murder - (12/13)

CHAPTER TITLE: Revenge, Like Chocolate, Can Be Both Bitter and Sweet

RATING: M PAIRINGS: P. Sanders/V. Sanders (main/one-sided); R. Sanders/V. Sanders (former); V. Sanders/L. Sanders (former); V. Sanders/D. Sanders (former); Remy/E. Picani (side); T. Sanders/OMC (mentioned)

CHAPTER WARNINGS/KINKS: Remus Sanders, mentions of Satanic symbolism, Ted Bundy/Jeffrey Dahmer/serial killer references, Rocky Horror Picture Show reference, Poison, Swearing, mentions of Janus Sanders, referenced Smut, Smutty Thoughts, mentions of Sex Toys, Thanatophobia (fear of dying), mentions of Previous Deaths, various Methods of Murder, mentions of Violence, Descriptions of Murder, brief mention of Prison Rape, Dumpster Diving, Eating/Eating Gross Food, talks of Grey Morality, Morally Grey Patton, Baking/Food mentions CHAPTER SUMMARY: Patton meets with Remus.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Here we are! We’re now at the second to last chapter! Despite the low reception of this fic, I’m very happy with it and it’s been so much fun posting it and seeing everyone’s reactions to it. Fun fact: I’m not real sure what rating this chapter would be under. Obviously it has mature stuff because of Remus, but it’s not too extreme to where no body can read it. It’s not a murder chapter, but he does talk about murder, so maybe it’s best to leave it M rated. lol Happy All Hallow’s Eve, everyone! Have fun reading! xx Virge

INSPIRATION: This post by @phantomofthesanderssides

AO3 || Buy Me A Ko-Fi!

To say Patton was nervous was an extreme understatement.

He was pacing back and forth in an alleyway— the location where Remus wanted to meet— going between fiddling with the hem of his sweater, and twirling a stray curl of hair. Blue eyes frantically scanned the dingy place he was in, not wanting to suddenly be jumped by a dangerous stranger.

Brick walls were stained with something the confectioner didn’t want to know what. Droplets of water from the gutters above dropped down onto the cobblestone. Garbage cans were tipped over, rotting food and other things made the air smell putrid.

A black cat scurried from behind one and past his feet, meowing loudly.

Patton squeaked and flinched as it went by. After collecting himself, he started to fidget more.

He hoped Remus would be here soon. With every minute he was in this alley, he was growing more and more frightened.

Despite this, he tells himself that this is worth it.

For Roman.

For Logan.

For Dorian.

For himself.

In the midst of his self-panic and self-reassurances, Patton didn’t catch the sounds of the metal fence behind him being scaled upon.

“So, you’re Patton Hart, hmm?” A high-pitched, slightly screechy voice said.

Patton yelped and spun around, instantly being greeting with the sight of Remus.

The man looked completely different from Roman, it was almost hard to believe that they were brothers, let alone twins. While the former thespian was composed, elegant, and beautiful, Remus…was anything but.

He looked like a rebellious punk, to put it simply.

Remus’ hair was oily-looking, very unkempt and scrappy; dark brown, almost black in color with touches of green hair dye in it and a single streak of silver. He was clad in a leather biker vest, various patches decorating it, and a fishnet shirt underneath which displayed all of his bruises, cuts, and scabs. His pants almost reminded him of Virgil’s jeans: ripped yet his were baggy as opposed to tight-fitting. His ankle boots were spiked, decorated with an upside down cross and a symbol that looked to be very satanic.

As a matter of fact, all of his jewelry appeared to be just that: skulls and satanic symbols. They were predominantly pieces that littered his neck, but he was also studded with a lot of piercings: a labret plus a lip, multiple ear and eyebrow ones, a chained nose, and a belly button. And all of them were silver as opposed to the gold Roman used to wear.

Looking at him twice over, Remus seemed to be a combination of Roman, Remy, and Toby.

Patton quickly straightened himself up, not wanting the other man to see just how scared he was.

“And you must be Remus Duke,” he responded back. His voice shook a little as he spoke. “I have to say, and I hope you don’t think me rude, but you looking nothing like your brother.”

Remus snorts. “That’s a compliment.” He tells him. “I’d rather not be a goody-goody Abel like my brother was.” He looked Patton up and down, giving him a quirked expression, “Ain’t you a bit saccharine to get help from me? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for beddy-bye time?”

“No!” Patton yells stubbornly. He recoils and tries again. “I-I mean, no. I really, really need your help, Remus. This is the only way I can truly stop Virgil.”

“Ha ha! So you’re also Virgil’s newest boy toy!” Remus grinned manically. Patton squealed and shivered in disgust at that. “I swear he goes through boy toys faster than either Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer did with their victims. Well, not as fast, but—”

“C-Cut it out!” Patton shrieked, stomping his foot in childish anger. He grew sickened at the thought of a monstrous killer like Bundy or a twisted cannibal like Dahmer, and comparing Virgil to them just made it worse.

(It was in that moment when the confectioner remembered the words Dorian told him before he divulged into how he was murdered. While Virgil was a horrible individual, he was nothing like how those men were. They were all criminals, yes, but the widower was somehow of a lesser evil.)

Trying to relax his shoulders, Patton asked again. “Are you going to help me or not?”

Still grinning, Remus jumped off the fence and onto the cobblestone. It wasn’t pleasant sounding as he fell flat on his ass. But he appeared to be okay as he shot straight into the air and began fishing through his pockets, humming Touch-a , Touch-a, Touch-a Touch Me under his breath while he searched.

“Ha ha!” he exclaimed when he finally found what it was he was looking for. He pulled out a vial of sinister-looking liquid, skull and crossbones marked on the front of it.

Poison.

Cyanide, to be more specific.

“This should be the very thing that’ll fuck Virgy-poo up!” Remus exclaimed happily. Then he pouted. “Lucky bastard,” he mumbled. “Just put this in whatever it is you’re gonna give him and watch with glee as he chokes and dies! Ooh, that sounds fun! Can I come and watch too?!”

“No!”

Remus pouted more, actually looking sad.

Patton was about to walk over and grab the vial but Remus stopped him.

“Not so fast, Mr. Fluffy Butthole.” Patton scrunched his nose. A serious look was in Remus's emerald green eyes. “Why do I have the stinky feeling this is for more than just my brother?”

The confectioner reeled back. “…What?”

“You wouldn’t have gotten my number from Toby and call me by saying ‘how would you feel about helping me avenge your brother’ without wanting to do more.” Remus narrowed his gaze. “You wanna avenge Virgil’s other husbands too, don’t you? Spouses or whatever they were.”

Patton opened his mouth to try and say something, but all he could do was sigh and nod. “You’re right,” he finally tells him. “It’s for more than just your brother. It’s also for Virgil’s second spouse, Logan Oxford—”

“That author who seemed so stubborn xe had a stick up xyr butt? Man, xe needed to get laid.”

“…xe were asexual…”

“…Emotionally laid, then.”

“You mean having a loving, supportive relationship?”

Remus gagged. “Don’t be lewd!”

“Xe were also aromantic.”

“I could’ve helped with that!” Remus grinned. “But if xe were also asexual, then it would’ve been no dice. Hehe, dick ice, hehe!”

Patton ignored him and continued on from before. “— and his third, Dorian Cain—”

“Ah! The serpent-y lawyer whose tongue was for more than lying!” Remus grinned more. Since he was a little closer to him, Patton could see the yellow of his teeth. “I’ve heard that he and Virgil were a lot alike. Plus, they were really able to get” – he wriggled his hips – “it” – he started thrusting “on!”

The confectioner blinked, then sighed deeply and tiredly. How exactly was he Roman’s twin brother? (He could practically hear Roman sighing along with him).

“I was in cahoots with him, you know!” Remus tells him, still thrusting for some silly reason.

“So I’ve heard,” Patton tells him, not wanting to delve into details about the supernatural encounters he had. He didn’t need to give this guy the time of day. “They said you called him about wanting him to find evidence on Virgil, but he said no.”

“Yep!” Remus stopped mid-thrust and emphasized on the p. “He accused me of wanting to slander a celebrity, like everybody else did. But it was also because he didn’t want to put his own husband on trial or some other bullshit.”

He blinked then continued thrusting. “I wonder what would’ve happened if I got to him first?” he mumbled to himself in curiosity. He turned to Patton with a grin. “You think Virgil is great in bed? I would’ve given that lawyer the time of his life! We would’ve fuck for days and weeks on end using all the neat kinky toys I have! Plus, all the crazy flexible sex positions?!” He bobbed his head from side-to-side, singing. “Anyone Virgil could do, I could do better~!”

Apparently, Virgil did that and then some, Patton couldn’t help but think to himself, suddenly being reminded of how explicit Virgil and Dorian were. (If the lawyer were here, he’d probably be flattered and chuckle in his ear).

“But it’s more than them too!” the confectioner exclaims, continuing on from where he left off previously. “It’s for any other potential victim of Virgil’s…and me too…”

“Oh?!” This intrigued Remus as he now had Patton’s full attention. “How so?” He could see the confectioner tugging and fiddling with his sweater. Remus actually saw him doing this when he was stalking the alleyway. It must be a grounding mechanism for him or something, kind of like how he plays with his fingers.

“Because—because I’m scared of dying.”

Remus blinked. “You are?”

“Yes— Of course, I am!” Patton didn’t know why the other man was acting like dying isn’t something to be feared. Because, to him, especially in this circumstance, it was. “If I don’t do anything to stop Virgil, I’m scared I’m gonna die. And I don’t wanna die.”

Tears came to his eyes, he rubbed them away with a fist.

“I don’t want to end up like the others. I don’t want a ribbon around my neck, or arsenic in my belly, or a bullet in my head. I don’t want to have my life cut short by someone who might actually want me dead!”

Now he had both fists rubbing harshly at his cheeks. “There’s so much of my life I want to live. There was so much of their lives that they had yet to live. And I want to be able to avenge that…I want my friends, and even you, to be at ease knowing they finally found peace.”

Remus watched awkwardly as Patton cried in front of him. He wasn’t all that good with the emotional, cutesy, kind-wordsy stuff like his brother was. But if Roman was in this situation, he would know what to do better than anyone else.

He knew the moments when his brother would need a hug, and this would be one of them.

So, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Patton, letting him sob into his shoulder.

Patton curled further into him, not caring that he smelled of body odor and garlic.

“Hey, hey,” he murmured. “It’s okay. It’ll all be a-okay.”

The confectioner sniffled. “How do you know that?” he asked, voice thick with emotion.

“Because that mean, nasty Virgil’s gonna get what’s coming to him!” Remus tells him. He takes Patton’s tear-stained glasses and licked them clean. He then walked over to a garbage can and fished out a dirty napkin to wipe them with. “Here you go!”

Patton grimaced as he put his… ‘newly cleaned’ glasses back on.

“Even if Roman didn’t like me all that much, he was one of my favorite people,” Remus continues. “And I was incredibly upset when he was killed, or ‘committed suicide,’ as the police suspected.” He narrowed his eyes. “I wanted to bring Virgil to court, I really did, but there was no evidence left at the crime scene.”

Remus snarled; fists clenched together tightly. “When they told me that…I was thinking of contemplating murder myself.” He shook his head. “There were so many things I wanted to do to him.” He began counting on his fingers, “Disembowel him, let my pet rats feed on his body, flood my teeth with his spine, build a sandcastle out of his ashes. You name it, I wanted to do it.”

Patton got visibly sickened with each possible method of murder and violence.

“And yet I couldn’t do anything. I may be a wildcard, but Virgil is much more cunning. He’s slipperier than a bar of prison soap.” Patton dared not ask what he meant by that. “Plus, he might’ve expected that I would come and destroy him when I got the chance. So, there wasn’t anything I could do.”

“But you tried though,” the confectioner says. “Despite there not being evidence, you still went and contacted Dorian Cain to try and see what would happen.”

Remus nodded. “Well, yeah. I figured I might as well eat the bullet and chew until I’m forced to spit it out. And so, I called Dorian’s law firm and asked anyway. Even though I was told ‘no,’ something deep within my dick told me that he might try and do something in secret. When I saw in the papers that he had also killed himself, I thought my chances were ruined for good.”

“However,” he then held out the vial of poison for Patton to take. He could see just how dirty his fingers were: bruised, chewed-up fingernails, chipped black and green nail polish, and grime around the cuticles. “You can be the one to finish him off. Do what me and Dorian couldn’t, and put that murdering piece of shit in the ground where he belongs.”

At first, Patton seemed hesitant about taking it from him, but after everything he’s witnessed, everything he’s heard, everything he’s feared, his resolve was hardened.

He takes the vial and stuffs it in his pocket.

Standing closer to Remus, he can see the details he couldn’t see from afar: flakes of dandruff in his hair; messy, purple, smoky eyeshadow; black lipstick that was slightly smeared; a little bit of stubble growing above his lip; along with any other cuts, bruises, and scabs on his skin.

Not only that, he could see the various patches on his biker vest; only a small handful of them were satanic and anarchist symbols, while the rest were a mixture of things Remus must enjoy. A green sword with tentacles coming from it, a Morningstar, an anatomical heart, a bloodshot eyeball, a skeleton, a peach, a couple octopi and krakens, an alien, a peach, a hazardous symbol, some that involve cursing and parental advisory, some dark Disney ones, an opossum with he/him pronouns, the aromantic flag, and lastly, one that has ‘Duke’ on it in graffiti.

Despite his appearance, Patton might consider this gross man…not so much a friend, but an ally.

“…Remus?” Said man leans in closer, making Patton bend back. “…Thank you. Truly. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without your help.”

He waved nonchalantly. “Eh, don’t worry about it,” he tells him. He walks over to one of the garbage cans and starts rummaging through it once more. “It’s the least I can do. Being an assistant— heh, ass-istant— is better than being forced to sit back and do nothing.” He pulls out a rotting banana, unpeeling it and then taking a bit bite out of it.

Patton looked like he was going to throw up.

Mid-chew, he looked back at the confectioner. “You know,” he mumbled, browning banana flying out of his mouth. “For someone who looks all pure and morally righteous, you gotta little bit of grey in ya.”

“I’m only doing this for good.”

“Maybe,” Remus gulps loudly then takes another huge bite. “But you’re still planning on killing him. No matter how you justify it, redrum is redrum.”

“Redrum?”

“Murder. The Shining. Stephen King.”

Patton hummed.

“Seriously though, who am I to talk morals schmorals to you? Good and bad is all made up nonsense!” Another loud gulp, another big bite. “So! When are you gonna do the do?”

“You mean do the deed?”

“Same thing!”

“Tomorrow.”

“Ooh! On Halloween night too!” Remus grinned excitedly. Patton had honestly forgotten that it would be Halloween, having been so preoccupied with everything has was going on at 613 Rue Morgue. “Are you suuure I can’t come with you?”

“I’m sure, Remus. Thank you.”

Remus pouts again, but he quickly shrugged it off.

“Ah well,” he drops the banana peel at his feet. Litter bug. He started to scale up the fence, allowing Patton to see the large green kraken that covered his back. “I guess I’ll leave the rest to you. Good luck, Patton!”

With a gleeful wave, Remus jumps over and disappears into the shadows from whence he came.

Patton stays in his spot for the longest time.

Maybe…he was a bit grayer than he realized. Through his entire life, he was never really challenged on his morals. He always played by the rules and laws of life, not wanting to face the punishments for having done something wrong.

But now, he was.

He was faced with someone who had a complete disregard for them and is walking a free man with three murders (maybe even more) stained on his hands.

And here he was, wanting to change all of that.

Like he said to Remus, it was for a good cause: to have their spirits be appeased and to have Virgil never commit any heinous crimes ever again. Even if the solution was a permanent one.

Maybe…the other man was right. Maybe…good and bad really is made up nonsense.

With the thoughts of his newly-placed morals in his head, Patton finally left the alleyway.

The alleyway that Remus chose was in the lower part of town, the shadier and troublemaking part to be specific. And even though Patton could have chosen to take his car, he walked since he lived close by in the lower regions of downtown.

It was a long but much needed walk for the confectioner to take.

While the air proved to be chilly, the autumn leaves dropped down onto the ground, creating a little ombre of colors on the sidewalk. The night sky was a trifecta of rich purples, deep blues, and cool blacks. Dots of white twinkled above, making the picturesque scene complete.

Patton looked around at all the holiday decorations that were on display. All of the ghosts, witches, scarecrows, and grim reapers all gave him a bit of a fright. The fake tombstones and giant rope spider webs made him squeak and turn his head for a split second. But he smiled at seeing the differently carved jack-o-lanterns— some more intricate than others— and the outdoor lights that glowed in various colors, like orange, purple, green, blue, red, white, and black. Though what really got a giggle out of him, were the inflatables that stood on each lawn; some were of pumpkins, others were black cats, and was the occasional spooky tree.

Many people love going all out on Halloween, and the confectioner was one of them, having spent so many hours throughout September and October transforming the interior of his shop.

He continued walking into downtown, fog hovering over the street lamps as the air grew a little denser and colder. The streets were slightly bustling as people were walking to and from various stores, all in last-minute preparation for tomorrow night. Many of them were families, with children bouncing up and down excitedly about their costumes while the parents held bags that were presumably filled with candy and other goodies.

It all made Patton smile, for he had that same childish whimsy.

The confectioner didn’t stop walking until he came to a very familiar brown building, the words Patty’s Sweet Confectionaries swirled in fancy but readable font on the window.

Patton took a minute to gently trace his fingers across the white lettering. He still remembers the first day he opened its doors, a young and bright-eyed man who simply wanted to spread the sugary joy that his grandmother used to give him.

With a deep breath, he walked into his confectionery shop, the jingle of the bell above the door made his heart swell up a little. Once inside, he gazed around, nostalgia and melancholy shone in his eyes as he flipped on the lights.

Golden chandeliers glowed from the cream-colored ceiling as the shop became illuminated, presenting the changes that Patton had made. The only other things that remained the same were the dark brown and white tile, and the wooden stands and tables dressed with dishes and bowls, but what filled them had changed since September.

Eyeball-shaped white chocolate truffles, and ghostly popcorn balls were now the specialty treats for the holiday; along with cookies in the shape of skeletons, and white chocolate bark with candy corn. In the display case were still the traditional chocolates, but there were also pumpkin spiced cakes and cupcakes, along with macaroons of varying monstrous design and Frankenstein cereal treats.

However, the two favorites were front and center: gooey marshmallow, and glistening candy apples. The best part about them? The marshmallow is dyed in accordance to the holiday, and the candy apples were also coated with white icing to make it look like Snow White’s poisoned one from the Disney movie.

Walking in further, he plugged in the decorative lights that hung from the walls. The miniature pumpkin luminary bags added another layer of festive spirit to the store, and they paired nicely with the cutout garlands Patton had made some-years back.

The confectioner tenses up as he feels vial of poison roll into his hands from inside his pocket.

A part of him still feels conflicted about doing something like this.

Obviously he knows what Virgil did was horrible and wrong, but on the other hand, he wished there was a much simpler way to see his downfall come to fruition. But as Remy and Toby said, if the police were working with him, then it was impossible to see lawful justice be served to him. (Dorian tried it, and look what happened.)

So this was the only option he had left.

Resolve slowly hardening, Patton made his way to the kitchen to begin work.

He began pulling out giant mixing bowls— both silver and copper, measuring cups, double boilers, spoons and forks, and a plethora of ingredients in order to create the perfect box of poisonous chocolates.

Patton didn’t need to think about which ones he would give to the widower, he knew the recipes for each one by memory.

The first recipe read:
 “1 lb of dark chocolate 16 maraschino cherries with the stem 3 tablespoons softened butter 3 tablespoons light corn syrup 2 cups sifted confectioners’ sugar”

Parts of the second read:
 “2/3 cups dark chocolate chips 1/3 cup + 2 tablespoons of heavy cream A dash of cinnamon”

The third read:
 “7 oz. finely chopped dark chocolate 1/3 cup espresso ½ tablespoons unsalted butter ½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder”

And finally, the fourth read: 
“1 cup melted cocoa butter 1 tablespoon cocoa powder 3 tablespoon dark chocolate ½ teaspoon almond extract”

Within each recipe, he made sure to add the cyanide poisoning into the mixtures, adding a bit more than necessary so that it wouldn’t be masked by any of the other ingredients. (He wore protective gear, of course. The same mask and gloves he wore whenever he dabbled in making anything featuring liquid nitrogen.)

Hours later, he had batches cooling on racks and baking sheets. And after checking that he had a perfect set of thirty-two, he began the decorating process. Glazes, icings, and sugars scattered about in the air and dusted his face, hair, and fingers.

Once everything was done up all nice and pretty, Patton placed them all in a box: a black one topped with a bow of dark violet ribbon.

Patton stood back and observed his craftsmanship. A deep frown slowly made its way to his face.

The first part of the deed was done…

…now? It was time for Virgil to have a taste of his own chocolatey medicine.

[shapa-likes-art]

i love janus but im here for the janus slander 👏🏻😭

I wouldn't really say slander, I would say its more like "Hey, this character did a shitty thing and until they redeem themselves, I don't like them at all" kind of thing, yanno?

[lonely-luv]

💿 Random-access memory (RAM): Are either of you forgetful? If so, how does the other help the forgetful one with their memory? Or are you both forgetful? | 💿 Network interface card (NIC): How does your F/O talk about you to their friends? No negative responses allowed because that would be slander towards your F/O. (with all three!)

RAM:

Janus: he’s not forgetful but i definitely am. he helps a lot tho!! if there’s something important i need to remember, he writes it down for me!! its rlly sweet i love him ;^;

Remus: remus and i both have terrible memory! we both forget shit all the time and sometimes we go back and forth talking about stuff to jog our memories which is fun! but yeah we’re both forgetful

Logan: mmm with him it depends. he remembers everything he researches, but normal stuff he forgets sometimes!!! he’ll ramble to me about whatever he’s recently researched and then five minutes later forgets what day it is kjfhlkdjgflkdj

NIC:

Janus: mmmm depends like how he gets on the topic? cuz he’s a dOrk and if someone asks like about me aNd him he’s like “>:O rEmi whos remi i dont know him i dont have a boyfriend love is silly what r u on abt????” but if they just ask about me he’s like “ :< my handsome boyfriend”

Remus: “so hows remi?” “handsome” “uh” “HES AMAZING” “no i meant hows he doing???” “BEAUTIFULLLLLLLLL”

Logan: logan mostly talks about me like normal jfdskfjkdj but if he’s talking about me and im there? he gets rlly embarrassed and cute and its adorable

[grahoriasfancave]

Movie Night

       Janus was reading in his room when Roman popped up right beside him. “Oh good, you’re not - stop screaming - you’re not busy.���

      Janus scrambled back to a respectable position on his beanbag chair and glared at him. “Actually, Roman, I am busy.”

      “Not anymore,” Roman pointed out cheerfully. “Wanna have a movie night?” He held up a movie and waggled his eyebrows.

      “Why do you have that?” Janus said instead of answering. “It’ll work so well with our imaginary TV. Especially with that DVD player we don’t have.”

      Roman made a face at him. “It’s an empty case I was using for effect. Geez.”

      There was an expectant pause.

      “I have no interest in watching your gross, fluffy Disney flicks with you, Wroammin.”

      Roman gasped indignantly. “How dare you slander the name of Disney?”

      “I slander a lot of things,” Janus said flatly, opening his book and flipping back to his spot. “All of which deserve it.”

      “That is vastly untrue and I am starting to think maybe I don’t want to watch Phantom of the Opera with you.”

      “Phantom of the Opera.” Not a question; just another statement.

      “Oh, you’d hate it,” Roman said. “No intrigue. No conspiracy. No dark, elegantly-dressed mystery man with a deformed face he hides behind a half-mask at all times.”

      Janus blinked. “Come again?”

      “And the outfits aren’t classy and gothic at all,” Roman went on. “No wonder you don’t want to watch it.” He sighed dramatically. “I suppose I’ll just have to go eat all that popcorn myself. Farewell, Lord of the Lies.” With a low bow, the embodiment of creativity sank out.

      Janus hesitated. Then he sighed in what would have sounded to any listeners like disgust and followed.

                                                           📺

      There was popcorn. Two kinds of it, as a matter of fact, dill pickle and Chicago mix, as well as a bowl of gummy worms, root beer and Dr. Pepper, and a plate of chocolate chip cookies. “Patton,” was Roman’s only explanation when Janus eyed the spread in a way that said “one of these things is not like the others”.

      “I’m flattered, but you’re not my type,” Janus informed him dryly.

      Roman waved this away. “I’d be heartbroken, if this were an attempt to woo you. Now plant your tush on that couch and enjoy the show.”

      Rolling his eyes, Janus complied. He reached for one of the wineglasses Roman had also set out (???) and poured himself some Dr. Pepper as Thomas’s creativity wiggled his fingers over the TV, turning it on with typical unnecessary flair.

      “You’re gonna love it,” he enthused, plopping down next to Janus and nearly spilling his drink.

      “I bet,” Janus grumbled. Then he stopped talking as the movie began.

      It was a good movie. It was a really good movie. Janus was completely hooked.

      “Told you so,” Roman said, stealing the last gummy worm.

      “You also said I’d hate it.” Yes, that was a petty and hypocritical thing to say, but what was Janus if not petty and hypocritical?

      Roman made a face at him. “What, I can’t be sneaky but you can?”

      “That’s what I’m here for. Stop stealing my career.”

      “Or what?”

      Janus considered. “I’ll let Remus steal your elbows.”

      Roman gasped. “You wouldn’t.”

      “I would.”

      “You’re the worst.”

      “Gosh, you’re right. I am the worst.”

      “Okay, Remus is the worst,” Roman relented.

      “He’s not so bad, once you get used to him.”

      “Used to him? We were the same person for years. How are you more used to him than I am?”

      Janus smirked. “By tricking him into respecting me.”

      “How’d you do that?” Roman asked, wide-eyed.

      “Have you ever heard of the Pavlov effect?” Janus shrugged. “All I had to do was pull off enough small, minorly inconvenient schemes to convince him of my brilliance, and voila. Respect and a tendency to listen to my input.”

      Roman whistled. “Brilliant.”

      “I try,” Janus said modestly. He looked over at the TV, where the credits were rolling on mute, silently wishing he could watch it over again from the beginning.

      Following his gaze, Roman’s face lit up. “Wanna watch it again sometime?”

      Janus blinked. “You… want to watch the same movie with me. At a later date.”

      “Well, yeah. How else are we supposed to memorize all the songs?”

      “This is a bad idea.” Janus was smiling as he said it. He loved bad ideas of this type.

      Roman grinned at him. “Don’t be such a wet blanket, Bananaconda. What’s the worst that could happen?”

                                                          📺

      “THE PHAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS-” Thomas cut himself off abruptly and slapped his forehead. “I just don’t get it,” he complained to Joan. “I’ve never even SEEN Phantom of the Opera! WHY DO I KEEP GETTING THAT SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD?” He groaned and buried his face in his hands as Joan shrugged helplessly.

      In the Mindscape, Roman and Janus exchanged a guilty look. “Oops.”

[kinetic-elaboration]

January 30: 3x17 That Which Survives

“Watched another ep of TOS tonight--it felt good to return to the universe and to watch Kirk in particular again after all the SLANDER I had to listen to last week, but overall it wasn’t a particularly exciting or memorable episode, so... kind of broke even I guess. It wasn’t bad. But it wasn’t groundbreaking either.

Ghost planet! Okay, getting off to a promising start.

Kirk is so excited that Spock might find it fascinating

Yet another planet Earth? How convenient. (It’s not really but they love to mention that a planet has characteristics similar to Earth. Like, I guess, air.)

This is feeling very season 1: mysterious planet with some un-explainable characteristics, which Kirk and Spock summarize in their Lightly Married way from the bridge, and then a landing party with a Random Scientist is brought together to explore.

But--Spock isn’t invited. I don’t like that. Separating Kirk and Spock is very season 3. They’re just too powerful I guess. I feel like S3 does have a fair number of very good trio episodes but Kirk and Spock are given very little direct interaction time, either on individual missions or even in little ‘figuring it out’ scenes like the intro one here.

Getting the rocks on the planet to move with the explosion is actually pretty cool! That was easily 1/3 of the S3 budget right there probably.

“What happened?” / “The occipital region of my head connected with the chair.” Lol that is funny but I feel like S3 Spock should be beyond that kind of literalism? He does know better.

Maybe he hit his occipital region too hard.

“The Enterprise must have blown up.” Kirk is NOT into that hypothesis.

I see Chekov has been telling Sulu about Russia.

M’Benga! That’s a nice surprise.

“That task will take forever.” / “Then I suggest you start at once.” Funny how I JUST heard Spock say an eerily similar line...

“I’ll sit on the warp engines myself and nurse them.” “That position would not only be unavailing, but undignified.” Lol I mean he’s not wrong.

Girl Sulu is really on the ball. Didn’t Spock request her specifically? Good choice.

The way Bones say “virus” is SO southern. Really letting the Georgia out on that one.

Weird, okay. Plant parasite. Random lady just showing up.... Not sure what the deal with her is.

I don’t entirely get how the communicators work. All you need to do is say someone’s name and you’re immediately connected to them? Possibly more than one person at once?

This was a real missed opportunity for an “He’s dead, Jim.”

Kirk is also a geology nerd, I guess--how does he just know what ignius rock looks like?

“Sulu, you’re the new D’Amato.”

Lol it took me a moment to get how a “field of rocks” is “the most suitable memorial for a geologist.” Kirk’s humor is too much for me.

Spock really is tense this mission, I think. He’s having a hard time interacting with the humans.

The ship feels wrong... the feel is wrong. Sounds legit to me.

Janus VI rock creatures!! The Horta!

Everyone really is on Sulu’s back today.

This ep is a little too vague for me... It’s already nearly 20 minutes in and I don’t know what’s happening.

Engineering is such a soothing set. All the lights in their little inscrutable patterns.

Watkins, what the hell! Stop telling her stuff. (Or is he telling her false info on purpose? I don’t really get that.)

This might be an artificial planet... the planet might be hollow.. Kirk has a lot of great ideas.

All these random shots of Uhura’s beautiful face patiently listening to everything make me feel like she’s going to show up at the end with a random explanation for everything.

So is this one lady or actually many ladies?

At least Sulu is putting up a fight here!

“How can you destroy others and not me?” Because you’re the protagonist?

It is actually pretty interesting that she can only kill one person at a time, or there are many of her with extremely specific instructions/abilities.

“I must touch him. I am for Lt. Sulu.” Creepy.

“She almost made a ghost out of Sulu.”

“So evil, but so beautiful.” Yeah that’s pretty gay; checks out.

Uhura is getting a headache just talking to Spock.

Seems like wasting time discussing the precise number of seconds left is itself... illogical.

They’re really just talking about Sulu as if he weren’t there.

Ugh, I can’t believe what a slutty, useless manwhore Kirk’s being in this episode.

“I find nothing interesting in the fact that we’re about to blow up.” Scotty and Spock really are a comedic duo.

Spock keeps carrying around that little device... what is it? A fidget toy?

Oh, Spock’s going to go into a dangerous spot to fix the antimatter...machine. Just like TWOK.

“You’re right, what have we got to lose? We’ll just sacrifice Spock.”

(That was unfair of me because after “What have we got to lose?” the next thing Scotty actually says is “I’ll do it.” So not actually TWOK foreshadowing.)

“I note it without understanding it.” There’s some Spock maturity.

"You risk your life in the antimatter death tube and I make the computer contemplate its ideal state.” Yeah that seems fair, that seems like an equitable division of labor.

Damn, did you see the way Kirk jumped up after the explosion? Get CPine to do that at 41.

They are literally just shoving Scotty down the tube headfirst. It looks like they’re sending him away down a garbage chute. Just shove him down in there.

“I don’t want to hear about your ants, Mr. Scott.”

Spock asks the computer for an answer and it’s literally just buffering still.

I legit thought Spock was going to direct Uhura to listen to Scotty talk about aurora borealis. "I can't listen to any more metaphors!"

This weird alien lady... she’s sort of like Death, the way she is “for” specific people. Also in the way she kills them.

“Are you lonely?” Oh Kirk, getting to the heart of it.

Ha, cool door!

I feel like if you think Spock is being sentimental,it’s just because you’re misinterpreting him.

Spock is talking and Scotty literally just lies down like ‘I can’t take this. Make it stop.”

“Who have you come for?” Dude, you’re in HER house! She should be asking you that question.

Spock shows up with an actual, literal armed security guard and instead of ordering the security guard to attack the dangerous thing, Kirk directs SPOCK to do it. You know he literally didn’t even see the other guy. “Yes, Spock’s here to save me, get it Spock, get the bad computer.”

Now time for the entire sci fi concept of the episode to be explained in under five minutes. There’s... a lot to take in there.

Everyone has a crush on Losira, apparently. Interesting that Spock values her intelligence, McCoy her beauty, and Kirk wants to fuck her because he only views women as objects to conquer--oh wait, except he values her for her kindness. Whoops. Guess they missed the memo on his most important trait being his womanizer qualities.

So... on the whole I’m not entirely sure what to think. The whole conceit coming in so fast at the end was a little hard to follow in its specifics--even if the Amazon summary kind of clued me in to the twist before I started. I get that the aliens had to leave their planet for some reason, so they built this fake planet, which was apparently quite far away (?). But they created or brought a disease with them and it killed everyone, so they created the computer defense system to safeguard the planet for the later arrivals. But the later arrivals never came, perhaps because they also had the disease. If the disease originated on the fake planet (McCoy’s virus from earlier) I don’t get how it infected the other people, unless they brought it with them actually, or there was more cross-contamination between the people on the fake planet and the people on the original planet. But it was supposed to be very far away? I guess it’s too much to expect something really fleshed out and/or easy to follow from exposition smashed into the last five minutes of the show, but I’m a bit disappointed because it is an interesting concept. But it doesn’t really get its due.

I also don’t get what the mechanism was by which the super computer killed people, like how did it learn about them? What was it doing... to their cells...it talked about merging? I don’t get that. Though, I’m not sure I need to.

ALSO the tantalizing hint that the replicas had Losira’s personality as well as her appearance was very underutilized. The replica’s purpose is to kill, to defend, and yet... it doesn’t seem to want to, in a way.

It’s also interesting that disabling the computer caused the exposition-video to show up. I guess the point was that the defense system would kill all but the intended aliens, and then when the intended aliens arrived, they’d shut it off, and that would trigger the message. But shooting the defense system did the same thing. Though how such a sophisticated system could be disabled by a phaser is itself a Question...

Overall, my issue with the ep was one of pacing. It really relied a lot on the mystery of the woman, but the mystery wasn’t THAT interesting. Like, it was interesting enough for 20 minutes but not 45. Similarly, I liked Spock and Scotty and their weird I-don’t-really-get-you relationship, but that, and the tension in the Enterprise’s engine troubles or whatever (the explanation of which, btw, was incredibly bizarre for a throwaway line? it was disassembled and then put back together wrong?) was not enough to really keep my interest up for a WHOLE EPISODE.

It wasn’t bad and I wouldn’t say it was really boring, but my was hanging on by a thread the whole time.

It was nice to see some Sulu, and I liked Scotty’s role. Kirk was an excellent Captain--keeping calm, providing reason, gathering the evidence and making smart and unemotional decisions, holding on to a very light sense of humor as a reassurance that it would all be okay--but there was nothing flashy about him. Which I guess is kind of the point. He wasn’t in Hero Mode though.

Spock was... interesting. It did feel like he had regressed to “have you considered having your adrenal gland removed” territory, but I think that was just meant to show how uneasy he was. He wanted to go on the mission, but instead he got stuck on the Enterprise, and now his space husband is gone--the stress. Also, I know he talked a lot in part for the exposition, but he really did seem especially verbose today.

Next up is another mystery episode, The Light of Zetar.