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sepublic · 5 months ago

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I remember hearing that Dana was inspired by True Crime, amongst other things and people IRL, when writing Belos. And it seems that contrary to the notoriety of True Crime fans, she actually understood the assignment.

Because she opted to demystify the serial killer as this dark, unusual psychology that operates outside of societal borders and rules, disturbed by some secret reason, and instead literally pull off the mask to reveal he’s just some white manchild who hates women and minorities to a violent degree, because he feels threatened by them and their ability to say No in his entitlement. There’s nothing special or unique about his motives.

He’s no exception to the status quo, he is it unmasked of the veneer of civility, he’s the lynch mob and the cop (all of whom inherit the violence of white supremacy and colonialism) and fittingly a lot of serial killers were clocked by women and PoC as dangerous, but cops —largely white men— dismissed their claims because look at this dude, he seems like an upstanding citizen! And that’s really how he got away.

And because his victims were people the system was less likely to believe because they both operated on the same biases, you see why a lot of cops who commit brutality are drawn to an institution where they’re given violent power over brown and/or queer communities who are labeled as ‘suspicious’, because they enjoy easy targets they know the system doesn’t care about, and are enraged by body cams and accountability.

It doesn’t matter if they’re intentionally bigoted, their support of an inherently bigoted institution makes them the same; Internalized biases and “I don’t see race” and all that. You see how Philip wanted to be a witch hunter —the prototypical cop who is not exclusively violent towards women but still has a clear slant— or colonial savior so bad, because his violence could be legitimized by the authority of the state.

He leans into it hardcore when he feels threatened by the presence of an outside girl who challenges the Christian narrative of Gravesfield, to the point of violence; It’s a position that validates killing anyone who doesn’t agree with him in general, hence Caleb and the Grimwalkers, but of course his and society’s biases slant towards women and PoC. And while it ultimately doesn’t matter whether he’s intentionally racist/misogynistic, it’s worth addressing that he very much does have the intention due to his blatant Conservative backdrop.

And seeing how charming Philip is and the portrayal of him as a little kid playing games in his youth, a perception Caleb might’ve still had which led to his death, I can see the direct line to families who find out their sons are school shooters and are in disbelief because he was such a nice kid! While ignoring the obvious Red Flags because white men are allowed to express these without being immediately scrutinized by the community, by having it brushed off. On some level cops don’t suspect him because he’s the same type of guy as them.

Part of that denial comes from the fact that he’s not an “unfeeling sociopath” who’s wired differently. Philip can feel empathy and guilt like anyone else, but he’s still a hateful prick and these aren’t mutually exclusive; Not when people can be perfectly selective about who they extend these feelings towards, or even do things in spite of these feelings, because other ones —anger and pride and hatred— exist and they choose to prioritize those. There’s an assumption that empathy and guilt inherently make you a good person, but they don’t; That ultimately comes from what you do about it, not how you feel.

You could even say Dana and the other writers wrote him too well, because true to life, we have a similar issue but on a micro-scale via the abstraction of fiction regarding a very dedicated fan base who loves to romanticize him and his actions, attributing his issues to some secret trauma in childhood, a young man failed by society! While also scrubbing him of his racism and misogyny and reliance on the status quo, to make him ‘apolitical’ and you can see the same not just with fans but also in society.

Because society doesn’t want to acknowledge serial killers as just the truth behind their white sons and the system that absolved and encourages them, because that would require them to admit their guilt in how they’re structured. Rather, they’ll say these men reflect some dark truth inherent to humanity, and don’t exist within a certain sociopolitical framework.

And so he was a ‘loner’ whose problems can be pathologized via mental illness, his trauma can be traced back to a specific incident in his youth he just couldn’t get over. So you see how school shooters are made into victims, how serial killers are also made apolitical and even alien to distance them from the status quo.

And then you can lean into how unusual they are by writing characters like Dexter or Hannibal Lecter, you can not just defend the system but feed into it via the commodification of their violence as entertainment and consumption, and thus fuel the white supremacy train by letting their violence towards women and minorities be praised as something fascinating and interesting and conveniently clean of bigotry. This is the dichotomy of the hypothetical, romanticized Fantasy Serial Killer, and the banal IRL Serial Killer.

Thus we have the same cycle of white men’s violence being praised and validated by the system, and white men feeling entitled to this fame as a delusional fantasy. Because you’ve never heard of a black serial killer; Because black people are violent, that’s just the way they are, right? But if white men are violent, this is sensationalized as somehow unusual and fascinating and worth dedicating countless books and shows and movies towards. Obviously.

And even going back to witch hunters, sometimes I wonder about the constant consideration of, What if witches did exist? What if they were evil? Things like The VVitch or The Conjuring series, which have some framing of the Salem Witch Trials’ IRL violence towards women as legitimate in another universe, because of Satanism’s genuine predatory threat towards women, and how evil women sacrifice theirs or others’ God-given gift of a child, and now threaten another white Christian family.

And again there’s the the demystifying of the real life witch hunter too when we have a historical reenactment declare verbatim that IRL witch hunters were motivated by economics and other banal factors, not by any genuine belief in the dangers of demons; And even in a setting where the demons were real, they were not the predatory threat IRL witch hunters made them out to be, and so their very real biases and ulterior motives still apply in cumulative insincerity.

Hence, the Titan correcting Luz by explaining Belos as someone who only cares about being the hero in his own delusion; The fascist wet dream of a hidden invader here to corrupt even young white men, an outside monster to vanquish and whose destruction justifies the state, when in reality the monster IS the state, and before he was even presented as a witch (much less the human truth), his system’s destruction was called for.

Ultimately, a lot of True Crime and similar narratives are criticized for focusing more on this apparently inevitable mystique behind the perpetrators, who warrant far more attention than their victims. So when the villain is an example of True Crime, it’s worth noting how the show is so much more focused on the ‘weirdoes’ he targets, on women and/or PoC. The lives of Luz Noceda and her friends, them getting along and their psychologies, are just so much more important, and it really isn’t about that guy, who is informed as much as he needs to be.

But again, the True Crime fans dilemma; People genuinely salty at the show for not focusing on their favorite serial killer and his troubled backstory, his tragic motives and Puritan repression. The framing of his murders and motives isolated through the lens of his violence on undeserving white men, and not on the out-group he is specifically targeting and has committed much more violence on, esp if you look at the narrative’s actual framing of his impact on our protagonists, but also other victims who are witches or demons, and even his own self-professed motives; Hence, ‘Fratricide Georg’ as a joke depoliticized of his colonial violence, a violence that is not just adjacent to but fulfilling racism.

Because he hallucinated only those white men out of guilt, but that’s his biased perspective and priorities; And so you see how this is contrasted with a refusal to empathize with people like the Collector or Luz, who are put into the same situations as his white male victims via shared cinematography, yet are just as rejected. Luz is only put into this situation as convenient to Belos’ narrative, the closest replacement to a white male human he can get, but again if this girl of color says No, he tries to murder her and even does.

Yet again, people take genuine, personal insult at the creator for finding Belos to be her least favorite character to write, while ignoring that she still found him necessary to the story she was trying to tell; She just found the framing and focus should’ve been shifted to his actual victims�� deep and meaningful lives, how they matter. So people hate that S3 cares more about Luz Noceda’s relationship with her parents of color, as well as her female mentor and demonic brother, or her queer relationship with her girlfriend, etc.

And even when they get a bone of white boy Hunter, it’s still not enough; Fans inevitably gather themselves into an almost frenzied state of personal victimization, rallying into harassment of PoC who criticize their portrayal and discussion around their colonial serial killer fave, organizing dedicated trends and months to giving their white men the focus they ‘deserved’, because this is just White fandom in general.

Look at the entitlement campaigns regarding Ben Solo or Billy Hargroves deserving better, these young white men violent to women and minorities. It’s just the same thing but on a micro-scale, at least filtered via fictional characters. But Jesus you see how internalized biases bleed into everything. You’ve never heard of a black serial killer and fandom doesn’t fight for characters of color.

#the owl house #emperor belos #philip wittebane #meta

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liaspenandpaper · 4 months ago

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The Dame for the Gentlemen in Distress

Your life begins to spiral down when you decided to accept the hands of your childhood friend-turned pirate who invited you to be part of his crew while the said crew set the town in fire.

You haven't seen Seonghwa in years after him leaving their village with the hope of being a marine. Even if you were opposed to it, you thought that you have no rights to stop your friend from achieving his dream.

TW: This story contains themes of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual), graphic violence, threats of harm, trauma, exploitation, and bullying. Reader discretion is advised.

This is purely fiction and no means represents Ateez’s members in real life.

Lia's Note: English is not my first language, so this might contain grammatical errors. Please bare with me. Love lots.

In front of you is the biggest ship you had ever laced your eyes upon. The ship has this ominous presence that makes a normal person like you, uneasy.

ATEEZ

Your eyes widened from the recognition of the name. Ateez is the new yet most fearful pirate crew that sails in the vast ocean. You couldn't believe that Seonghwa would become part of this deadly crew and just forget his dreams of being a general.

As you stepped your foot on the deck, you contemplate if you would just jump off from the ship, the moment you saw the rest of the crew members. They were all bloody, you’re not sure if those bloods were theirs or not (you’re pretty sure it's not).

"Now, what do we have here? I guess you've picked some stray, my dear," a short man whose hair was split into two shades, the other part black and the other white said with scrutinizing eyes in your direction. You found the nickname a bit amusing, but shrugged your curiosity away, since it not your place to pry.

"She's the one I've been telling you about, Joong. She's Y/N, my friend," you looked at Seonghwa as he introduced you with so much excitement to his crew hoping they would greet you warmly, but as you looked backed at them, they only stared at you with contempt, which is unfortunately haven't noticed by Seonghwa. You immediately knew that your presence is not welcome.

"Joong, I asked of you. She has nowhere to go. I just can't leave her alone. I beg you to let her come with us," Seonghwa held the man whom he called "Joong". You can see the shift of his expression as he is now looking at Seonghwa. Joong's expression now held some fondness to it, so different from the way he looked at you.

"Of course, my dear. Your little friend can stay, but I expect her to not just become a mouth to be fed," he answered and emphasized the last part of his words.

"She can stay as long as she's not useless or I'll kill her and feed her to the sharks."

You gulped as you interpret his words. He must be the captain, you concluded, because as all of them are scary and intimidating, this little guy exceeds a more authoritative vibes than the others.

"Thank you, Captain!" Seonghwa looked at your direction with so much joy, you reluctantly offered a smile as you saw the other's sour mood.

Damn this will be difficult. You thought.

🥀

"Hey, you clean the dishes,"

You sighed. It's been a week since you boarded Twilight, Ateez's ship, and you never stop regretting coming along with Seonghwa.

It's been a week and the rest of the crew never treated you like a human being, rather a monkey whom they can just order around. You don’t have any complaints on helping around the ship, instead you like it. You don’t want to become a burden to the crew, but them treating you like equal would be very much appreciated.

"Are you even listening to me?" Wooyoung snapped his fingers at your face and it seemed to do the job as you muttered an apology and started to clean the hell of a mess in the kitchen.

"Tsk. Can't even do her job right," you heard Wooyoung said, and it made your heart sank a little bit.

You believed that you haven’t been a freeloader in the ship, you followed every task they've assigned to you. You wiped every grime on the areas of the ship that has accumulated for years that Seonghwa could not clean because of the hectic schedule he has. You cooked them meals and put all your knowledge when you were working as a cook to a pub since you were twelve. However, those weren't appreciated by the crew except Seonghwa of course. They always have a say, they didn't do it or say anything in front of Seonghwa, but they do it behind his back. You’re just glad you have the patience and mindset of your father, because your nature to say anything without thinking placed you to difficult situations before and you don’t want that to happen right now, so you try your best to shut your mouth.

As you were now washing the dirty dishes someone entered the kitchen. You checked who it was and it was Hongjoong.

"Making yourself quite useful, huh?" Hongjoong gave you a smirk, a smirk so belittling it triggers the sleeping irritation inside you. Among the crew members, you find Hongjoong the most insufferable. As you learned all of their names, associate them by their hair colors, you also learn that Hongjoong loves Seonghwa, not just a friend but more beyond that and is not shy of displaying his jealousy after you and Seonghwa interacted. Not just Hongjoong actually, but the entire crew is jealous every time Seonghwa talks to you.

It's not that uncommon to have multiple partners, but it shocked you a little that Seonghwa has seven lovers. All of them so possessive they could bite your head off of if they want.

You didn't reply to Hongjoong, since you don’t know what to say. He approached you in the sink and leaned on the counter, staring at you menacingly.

"I swear if you’re doing this or anything to seduce, my Seonghwa, I will not hesitate to throw you off from this ship," His voice quiet but it didn't fail to make you shiver. What he said is absurd and nonsense, but you were afraid that if he became blinded by jealousy, he will really do it with no hesitation.

"I am not interested in Seonghwa, Captain. He is my friend whom helped me find a place to belong to. I owe him my life, so I am doing my best to not be a burden to his crew and it didn’t even graze my mind to seduce him, that would be weird," you calmly said, proud of yourself of not sounding too scared of him.

"Besides, Seonghwa is too in love to all of you to bat eye to another person. He already has 7 lovers that he could pin on, so why get jealous?" as much as you don’t want to ran your mouth carelessly, unfortunately your mouth was faster than your brain this time.

Hongjoong’s expression grimaced and you knew you’re screwed. Hongjoong stepped closer to you, so dangerously close and grabbed your arm tightly. You’re pretty sure it will leave an awful bruise later.

"You're a clueless little mouse, aren't you? Don't speak to me like you are a part of the crew, and remember your place. Better keep your distance to Seonghwa or I'll kill you," he lets go of you and left the kitchen, banging the door behind him.

"Possessive freaks," You muttered under her breath as she continued her task.

🥀

You heeded Hongjoong's warning-slash-threat. You kept your distance to Seonghwa, muttering an excuse every time he speaks to you. Of course, your friend wasn't an idiot. Seonghwa is not oblivious to his crewmate’s behavior towards his friend. He often scolds them every time they treated you badly, but one thing Seonghwa doesn't know, is that the more he scolded them, the brewing hatred towards her keeps boiling near its highest point.

It was a month later when they finally can't handle their jealousy anymore. They collectively didn't know why they just can't ignore you. It's not like you were seducing Seonghwa as what they have been saying, it just that your presence was an abnormality, now they don't know how to act normally.

They're not sure if it was amusement that they've been feeling from the start, masking it with jealousy to hide the fascination to finally meet their lover's friend that he told them about. They knew you are important to Seonghwa, that even after all these years he held you dear in his heart. But they can't help to act harshly towards you, seeing Seonghwa's eyes lit every time you’re around and they were threatened of you.

Questions that they can't answer starts to float around their head and it hunts them, the uncertainty of what the future holds hunts them. However, their not-so-ill feelings towards you might compromise your safety.

“Hongjoong, it’s dangerous to let her come with us! She doesn’t even know how t—” Seonghwa couldn’t finish his words as he was anxiously pacing around Hongjoong’s quarter.

“Then she should start to learn how to, right? It’s not that some of us trained to fight either, we learned as we fight,” it was Yunho.

“You don’t understand, I’m not saying she couldn’t f——” Seonghwa was cut off again when Wooyoung interrupted.

“What do we don’t understand, hyung? If you want her to stay with us then she should also fight right? We only have each other, she can at least learn how to defend herself, since I won’t,” Wooyoung bitterly said.

You are just listening from the corner of the room, and you can’t help yourself, but to say something, “I can go,” you interrupted, you can’t let the crew fight over trivial things, so you decided to intervene a little.

“I can fight. I can defend myself. Let me go with you,” you firmly said to them, with your resolve and determination not once wavered. Seonghwa sighed in defeat, thinking his crewmates will regret letting you go with them.

“That’s the spirit! Who knows if you proved yourself enough, I could consider you as a crew of Ateez?” you knew Hongjoong isn’t being sincere, but you can’t just pass this opportunity to prove yourself more. That you deserve to be a part of Ateez.

🥀

Jongho handed you a sword, and you gladly received it.

“Thank you, Jongho.”

He didn’t reply, as you expected, but the lack of words from the guy didn’t affect your mood at all. Jongho wasn’t a talker, as you’ve observed. He prefers to listen and only engage to more important discussion, never much on casual banters.

You continued to stare at the weapon on your hand. The sword was well kept, and you’re thankful that it is a sword that fits you like a glove. Just the right size and weight for you.

Their mission was to infiltrate a banquet held by a corrupt lord of an island, who’s abusing his power and authority to rule over the indigenous and original settlers of the island. And you learned again that Ateez’s nature is to steal from those who steal.

For the government and for the normal folks, Ateez’s means of doing things are considered immoral, illegal, and wrong at every angle, but to those people whom they’ve helped, they are seen as heroes, a light who brings hope.

“Y/N you don’t have to do this,” Seonghwa hasn’t stopped pleading you to change your mind, but his pleading only went to deaf ears.

“I’m not the same fifteen-year-old girl you knew, Seonghwa. I too have shared fair number of moments where I have to defend myself, if I couldn’t, I would never be here in front of you,” you said firmly. It is indeed true, from the years when Seonghwa was absent from your life, things went haywire, and it forced you to do things in order to survive. There were no gray areas, it’s either kill or to be killed, what you mean is that you could either be sold off to men and be their sex slaves or kill those men.

“I don’t mean that, you know? I know you can fight, Y/N. I would even bet my life you can take me on a fight and win fairly. It is not you I’m worried at, you know what I mean right?”

The both of you shared a knowing look. Shaking your head, you told him, “Don’t worry, Hwa. I won’t let loose,” you promised.

Oh, boy you speak too soon.

🥀

“SOMEBODY STOP HER!” Mingi shouted as he fights someone. His pleas fell into deaf ears as you continued to bash the head of the guy who’s groping a young girl earlier. He is the last guy you’ve beaten up, so you make sure you did a number on him.

When the nine of you arrived in the banquet, it was full of old men and young children. The scene that you’ve arrived with was so disgusting it almost made you throw up all of the food you ate earlier.

These men were feasting to these children, making them sit in their laps, touching their bodies, kissing them in areas that old men shouldn’t lay their hands on. Pictures flashed in your minds, the scenes where you rescued young children from the hands of those rich filthy bastards whose past time are getting off watching children get mauled by other men. It made you sick to the stomach, seeing the traumatized faces of those children that mirrors the looks on the children here on the island.

The disgust suddenly turns into anger and the moment your hand touches your sword, you let your instinct took over your body until you were snapped from your trance when you hear voices calling out your name.

“FUCK! SHE’S FUCKING INSANE! Y/N! DON’T CRUSH HIS HEAD!” Hongjoong yelled in a distance, then you see yourself straddling a bloody man with a bloodied wine bottle in your hand. You weren’t satisfied enough since the man is still conscious, you’ve done this a lot to know when he’s dying, but he’s far from it, so you continued pounding the bottle to his head.

“JONGHO, RESTRAIN HER!” Jongho kicked the man he was fighting and ran towards you. You felt him pry you away from the poor guy you’ve fixated on.

“Y/N that’s enough, you’ll end up killing him.”

You straightened yourself and glanced around. Everything’s a mess, but the man’s face below you is messier. “Crap, are we not supposed to kill any?” you asked Jongho with genuine concern, “I didn’t kill any, right?” you added. Of course, you knew you didn’t, you just asked for courtesy.

Jongho sighed before answering, “Yes, we’re not supposed to kill anyone, Y/N, and fortunately you didn’t kill anyone from your savagery earlier,” he handed you a cloth that seemed to be a handkerchief.

You hesitantly accepted it, but nevertheless you used it to wiped your face as per Jongho pointed out, “You look like you’ve been in a blood rain, wipe your face, can you?” he said. You smiled from the gesture and realized that this has been the longest he’s spoken to you.

“You’re crazy, I like it,” he said to you before walking towards the others. You feel the pride swelling in your heart. Hearing Jongho somewhat acknowledging you was very rewarding, so you ran and catch up to him as you two reached where the rest of the crew was.

“Y/N! What did I say about losing control? I knew bringing you here was a terrible idea,” The joy you felt earlier suddenly switched. Seonghwa’s look of disappointment to you reminded you of the past where he is always scolding you from being too much.

“Yeah, and thanks to her we almost compromised our mission,” San said in a huff, and you see him rolling his eyes to you. Guilt starts to eat you as you see their annoyed and disappointed faces, except Jongho who said, “Guys, she didn’t compromise the mission, if not for her we wouldn’t subjugated Lord Kwon,” he pointed out the man whom you left just earlier.

“She single-handedly fought with Kwon’s guard, she deserved to be praised, is she not?” Jongho added.

Ateez’s dynamic never seems to amaze you, as you see how Jongho’s words affect the others. He may be the youngest in Ateez, but his words still held authority. All of them values each other’s opinion and that is one of their traits that you admire and one of the reasons you learned to respect them. Yes, Hongjoong is their captain, but the rest have their rights to voice their suggestions and concern.

“Seonghwa, I think you might have forgotten to mention that our little mouse here is a trained fighter, and not just your damsel in distress,”

“She wasn’t trained, Joong, she has to, or she would have ended up like the children we’re rescuing from, years ago.”

#liaspenandpaper #ateez x reader #ateez fic #ateez fanfiction #ateez imagines #atees scenario #ateez

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sublimati0ns · 21 days ago

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Hi !! Have you read the KOSS fic "Crawling Back To You"?

Yes!! It’s in my KOSS bookmarks / recs, even!! It was the very first KOSS—and Transformers as a whole—fic I’ve ever read, right after I started watching Prime back in January, and it definitely changed the trajectory of my life x’D As well as set the bar perhaps a touch too high in terms of what I now crave when I want to read these two///

Transformatron is an incredibly skilled writer and their handling of Starscream is spot-on, IMO—their vision of him aligns so well with mine. I really appreciate how they maintained his abrasive, misanthropic, and Machiavellian traits at the same time as giving him gradual, earnest character growth! It’s something I so rarely see in any fandom, which I suppose is due in part to how society / SNS often enforces the idea that there is a “correct” way to be a good person, a “correct” way to be healthy 🤔 This just isn’t true—and redemption, growth, and healthiness can look very different in survivors of complex trauma (like Starscream), especially.

And on that note, the way Transformatron incorporated Megatron’s abuse and how it affected Starscream into the story without being sanctimonious towards the reader, or black-and-white about abuse dynamics… Ahhh!! So good!! I found it to be such a genuine depiction of rape and battery (as well as non-judgmental of their use in fiction), and I loved the grace they gave Starscream in particular, making him sympathetic without it being apologia.

Like yes!! It was wrong for him to have to endure such wretched hardship, and he deserves to be able to heal in a safe place and connect with people who actually care about him… But he very much is also a bad person who did a lot of bad things, and many of them cannot be blamed on Megatron LMAO These things can and should coexist! And I adore Crawling Back To You for acknowledging that, and working to build up developments in Starscream’s relationships with the other characters to the payoff hits hard and feels justified.

(And I’m foregoing a smooth transition here but I need to yell about like *shaking the author’s hand* Starscream as this hyper-resilient guy who will keep bouncing back and moving forward and NOT DWELL no matter what—powered by a near-delusional kind of stubborn optimism that he needs only himself and he will win eventually—and the only way to get him to reassess and change this path is to leave him no other option but to rely on someone else… and that someone else has to make it so worth his while that despite his post-traumatic neurotic paranoia, he’s locked out of the default option of betraying them in return.)

Transformatron has such a way with words too—amazing descriptions, vocabulary, cadence, dialogue, shaking up the sentence structure, pacing, etc…! It very much appeals to me, as someone who’s enjoyed literary fiction since my age was in the single digits 😭 It’s such a treat to find fic with an elevated level of polish, and the well-structured plot (balancing Starscream’s growth, KOSS slowburn, rebuilding Cybertron, and the threat of Unicron) brings it even higher///

It probably comes as no surprise that I am a HUGE longfic enthusiast—seriously, the higher up in the hundred-thousands the word count is the better—and so, all factors combined, finding Crawling Back To You felt like winning the lottery LMFAO I read and re-read it three times in the span of that first week, and I hadn’t even finished Prime yet.

Now that I have, though, I would say my personal interpretation of Knock Out as a character diverges quite a bit from Transformatron’s, even if our Starscreams are very similar 🤔 But their vision of KO is plausible to me, and it’s one I enjoy reading, so this isn’t a negative so much as it’s just something I realised and find worth noting ahaha. I eagerly await the next chapter, and 100% plan to draw fanart once the rainy season stops beating my ass ♥️

Ending my rant with two quotes that live in my head rent free:

“Eesh,” said Ramjet, as Knock Out and Starscream scowled at each other like pit fighters before a match. “Y’know what? I’m not interested anymore. You guys suck, and you deserve each other. Best not inflict yourself on any other mechs. See you tomorrow, Scream.” And with that, he shut the door of his hab-suite and hit the lock button, the diodes outside washing red. Knock Out gaped after him – then turned his infuriated faceplate to Starscream.

—Ramjet to KOSS, Chapter 25

“We should follow his advice,” he said instead, “and only subject ourselves to each other.”

—Starscream to Knock Out, shortly after

#asks #lacetalks #fic talk #on TFP!Starscream

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swan-of-sunrise · 9 months ago

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Let It Out, and Let It In

Summary: Spiraling under the immeasurable weight of his trauma, Steve desperately seeks out the company of his girlfriend and, after experiencing a panic attack in her presence, unexpectedly finds himself opening up to her about his mental health.

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Fem!Reader

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings/Disclaimers: Disclaimer for a detailed depiction of a panic attack and a frank discussion about Steve Rogers’ trauma

A/N: Hi guys! I've been an MCU/Steve Rogers fan for damn near a decade now, and it hasn't escaped my notice that Steve's trauma has a tendency of being overlooked and overshadowed. So today, we'll be getting a glimpse of his ongoing mental health struggles (I promise you it's not all angst!) Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!

Let It Out, and Let It In September 2015 The Home of (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and Sam Wilson, Washington D.C. (Superhero Snapshots Masterlist)

“Should’ve called ahead, Rogers,” Steve chastised himself under his breath as he knocked three times on (Y/N)’s front door. He shoved the hood of his sweatshirt off his head and roughly combed his fingers through his hair, the poor attempt to straighten up his appearance for his girlfriend doing very little to distract from his spiraling mental state.

Like many, Steve didn’t exactly have fond memories of high school. While everyone around him seemed to struggle a little as they transitioned from awkward adolescence to mature adulthood, he always felt as though he was one massive step behind them without any hope of catching up. One aspect of high school he did appreciate, though – apart from his friendship with Bucky and his beloved art – were his English courses; he devoured each of the novels, plays and poems that they were assigned to read and thoroughly enjoyed writing themes that analyzed their deeper meanings. One of his favorite books had been The Great Gatsby and even eighty years later, he could still recall the telling exchange that Jay Gatsby shared with Nick Carraway towards the beginning of their friendship: ‘You see, I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad thing that happened to me.’

The brief line of Gatsby’s dialogue managed to stick with Steve long after he’d finished reading the book, initially because he couldn’t imagine how one’s life could become so lonely but eventually, because he’d come to understand Gatsby’s words all too well; he suffered the loss of his mother and Bucky, went into the ice in 1945 and woke up to find that nearly seventy years had passed him by, grappled with the losses of all his fellow Howling Commandos and helplessly watched as the last personified tie to his past slowly succumbed to dementia. Like Gatsby, Steve preferred the company of strangers; they made it easier for him to ignore the crippling loneliness because they never bothered to try and get to know the traumatized twenty-seven-year-old man behind the red, white and blue shield.

Things began to change for him not long after the Battle of New York. He befriended Natasha, one of his fellow Avengers, and she tried her best to acclimate him to his new life; maybe it was a result of all she’d suffered at the hands of the Red Room or because she was just incredibly adept at reading people, but Nat knew that he was struggling and in her own unique way, she did everything she could to be there for him. He met Sam and (Y/N), leaving his apartment for his usual morning run around the National Mall wearing a serious scowl but departing for his S.H.I.E.L.D. mission afterwards with a truly happy smile on his face; Sam soon became one of his best friends, the VA trauma counselor understanding his difficulties with adjusting to his new life but never treating him differently because of them, and he found himself falling in love with (Y/N), the historical-fiction novelist bursting into his life like sunshine on a cloudy day and making him feel truly seen for who he was instead of the larger-than-life mantle he carried. And with the help of (Y/N), Sam and Nat, he grew closer to his fellow Avengers, even finding himself beginning to view them as his family and accepting the fact that he wasn’t alone anymore.

But while Steve had slowly grown to love and appreciate his new life, there were still some days when the reality of his situation would weigh heavily on his mind and it was only a matter of time before he’d break down into a full-blown panic attack; he did his best to hide his struggles from his girlfriend and friends, not wanting to hurt their feelings or make them feel that they weren’t enough for him, but it was becoming harder and harder for him to pretend that everything was all right. It was one of those awful days that saw Steve impulsively asking Nat to land the Quinjet at Joint Base Andrews on their way home from a mission in Argentina; the assassin did as he asked without question, but he could feel her concerned gaze following him as he walked down the ramp and marched across the airstrip alone. Ignoring the mounting pressure in his chest, he elected to do what he’d often do before the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D. and take a walk through the streets of D.C., following in Jay Gatsby’s footsteps and surrounding himself with strangers to avoid addressing the memories of his old life that were clawing their way to the forefront of his mind.

With the hood of his sweatshirt pulled low over his face and his hands shoved into its pockets, Steve trudged down North Capitol Street with his eyes downcast, prolonging his return to his dark and impersonal apartment and the panic attack that would inevitably follow. Dusk had already fallen and downtown, the city’s nightlife was beginning to ramp up; restaurants were packed with families visiting the historic city and cheerful groups of friends pulled one another into the bars and nightclubs, while couples walked arm-in-arm and took in the glimmering lights that illuminated the city’s imposing monuments. It wasn’t until Steve walked past a bookstore and caught sight of (Y/N)’s debut novel, For Queen and Country, proudly displayed in the window that he felt his mind beginning to clear and a small smile tug on his lips. In that instant, Steve was engulfed by an overwhelming need to see his girlfriend and he continued walking down the street at an increased pace, spurred on by the sunshine that might succeed in breaking through the bleak isolation he found himself consumed by.

Steve forced himself out of his musings just as the door swung open to reveal (Y/N); he was pleased to see that she was dressed for a comfortable night in, with a well-loved Lauryn Hill concert t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants, but it was evident by the white strip adhered to her nose and the hair towel balanced on her head that he’d interrupted her evening. “Steve!” (Y/N), unaware of the guilt he was experiencing for interrupting her relaxing evening, smiled broadly and opened her door wider. “I’ve really got to stop listening to Sam; that lying Birdbrain told me you guys wouldn’t be back from Argentina until tomorrow.”

“The mission wrapped up a lot quicker than we’d initially anticipated, so Sam’s off the hook for lying this time,” Steve replied with a small smile as he shoved his fidgeting hands into his pockets. “I, um, I’m really sorry that I didn’t call or text you before coming over, but I was on my way home and I…anyway, I can leave if I’m intruding-”

“Don’t be silly, you’re not intruding!” Standing the side, (Y/N) allowed him to step through the doorway and closed the door before turning to give him a sheepish smile. “After spending all day going over my book’s first draft with Greg, I treated myself to a bubble bath and I may or may not have fallen asleep in the tub; I woke up in lukewarm water and my fingers were all pruney, but it was a damn good nap.”

“You’ve been working hard on your novel, sunshine; if anyone deserves a little rest and relaxation, it’s you.” Steve slipped off his sneakers and neatly placed them near the entryway table, straightening and chuckling when his girlfriend launched herself into his arms and nuzzled her face against his chest. “Did you miss me?”

(Y/N) nodded and tightened her arms around his waist. “I always miss you whenever you’re away on a mission, sweetheart.”

Steve’s heart melted and before he knew it, one of his arms was holding her close while his hand was guiding her face upwards so that his lips could meet hers; their kiss was slow yet passionate, with each of them doing all they could to savor their rare moment of peace, but his initial reason for visiting the historical-fiction novelist made its presence known in his mind and saw him give her one last kiss before pulling away with a forced smile. “Me too, baby. I just…I really needed to see you.”

(Y/N)’s head tilted to the side as her (Y/E/C) eyes studied him but to his surprise and overwhelming gratitude, she didn’t ask him what was wrong or if he was all right. Instead, she took both of his hands in hers and playfully swung their arms while giving him a coy smile. “I was about to try my luck at cooking dinner and since my culinary skills aren’t exactly up to par, I could really use the assistance of a big, strong Avenger. Do you know if any of them are brave enough to accept this dangerous mission?”

“I think I’m up for the challenge, ma’am,” Steve impishly replied and his overstated authoritative tone made (Y/N) giggle as she led him into the kitchen to prepare dinner. “Can I, um, ask what’s on your nose?”

“Oh, it’s for unclogging oil and dead skin cells from pores! It’s a little gross to remove but at the same time, kind of satisfying. Did you want to try one out for yourself?”

“…Sure, why not?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While helping his girlfriend cook dinner wasn’t quite as dangerous of a task as she’d made it out to be, Steve certainly had his hands full with making sure she didn’t over-season or burn anything in her eagerness to prove her minimal culinary skills; most importantly, however, cooking alongside (Y/N) helped to take his mind off the incapacitating loneliness that drove him to her doorstep in the first place. They sat at the dining room table to enjoy their chicken parmigiana with angel hair pasta and broccoli and (Y/N) even brought out a pricier bottle of red wine to enjoy with their food, a gift she claimed was sent by Tony and Pepper to congratulate her for winning the Goodreads Choice Award for Best Historical Fiction. Steve listened to (Y/N) talk about the last-minute touches being placed on what would soon be her second published novel with rapt attention, voicing his amazement when she revealed which of her favorite authors would be joining her at an upcoming writing convention and chuckling as she told him about the playful argument she’d gotten into with her publisher about certain spelling choices in her draft.

After they finished their meal, they cleaned up the sizable mess they’d made in the kitchen, with Steve washing the dirty dishes and (Y/N) drying and putting them away; they fell into a comfortable silence while they worked, and he found himself focusing on her soft humming as he deliberated over whether or not to open up to her about the complex emotions he was fighting to control. He loved his girlfriend with all his heart, but it was because of his love for her that he hesitated to fully open up and it didn’t take a genius to figure out why: he was not only afraid that he’d hurt her feelings if he told her that he still struggled to acclimate to the twenty-first century, but he was also afraid that the truth would only serve to drive her away. The memory-wiping device from that Will Smith alien movie Tony made me watch could solve all of my problems in the blink of an eye, he sullenly thought with a sideways glance at a blissfully unaware (Y/N) putting away their dishes, you can’t miss something that you don’t have any memories of.

With the kitchen scrubbed clean and the comforting sound of a light rainfall outside echoing throughout the cozy home, Steve and (Y/N) took to the couch to watch some television. The historical-fiction novelist dissolved into a fit of giggles after applying a cleansing strip to Steve’s nose and he happily indulged her by posing for the selfie she all but begged for his permission to take. After she took several pictures and disposed of their cleansing strips, he pulled her into his arms and soundly kissed her, finding that the dark cloud that hung over him was slowly but surely dispersing the longer she kissed him back.

“Do you feel like watching a movie?” (Y/N) breathlessly asked after they’d finally separated for air. A knowing smile was beginning to spread across her face as she realized they’d moved positions during their impromptu make-out session; the historical-fiction novelist was lying flat on her back while he held himself above her and as he deviously grinned down at her, she twirled her fingers around his sweatshirt’s drawstrings and shrugged offhandedly. “Not that I have any problem with continuing our current activities, of course-”

“Neither do I.”

His girlfriend’s smirk widened at his hasty reply. “But TCM’s been airing a really good screwball comedy marathon all day, and I was thinking that we could give it a watch. I guarantee that my world-famous Milk Duds-and-popcorn concoction pairs excellently with a glass of top shelf red wine and 1935’s Top Hat, so how ‘bout it?”

Steve’s smile instantly dropped at her otherwise innocuous statement. His lungs began to restrict, his vision blurred and it was as though someone had suddenly flipped a switch inside of his hippocampus; all at once, jarring flashes of cloudy memories flooded his mind and overtook his vision.

Bucky dragging Steve along on another double date and insisting that this one would be different than the other failed dates he’d arranged…his throat constricting as his date scowled at the sight of him…sitting in a darkened theater beside the highly displeased woman and throwing his best friend an envious look as he smoothly draped an arm over his smitten date’s shoulders…trying his damndest to enjoy the hit Astaire & Rogers musical-comedy so that his night wouldn’t be so miserable…

“Sweetheart? Are you okay?”

Fists tightening in anger when he saw a furious-looking man dragging his date up the aisle while she begged him to calm down…staggering to his feet in the alleyway behind the theater and throwing another punch at the laughing man, only for him to easily dodge and shove him against the nearby dumpster…fighting to catch his breath as he crumpled to the grimy ground and panicking when he recognized the tell-tale signs of an oncoming asthma attack…frantically grabbing at his pockets in search of his asthma cigarettes, fully conscious of Bucky’s shouting and his date’s frightened scream but unable to stop the black dots from invading his vision…

“You’re having a panic attack, Steve, so I need you to take a deep breath. Can you do that for me? C’mon, sweetheart, just breathe.”

Bucky’s hand colliding with his bruised cheek and stunning him back to consciousness long enough for his best friend to practically shove a lit asthma cigarette between his lips��inhaling the smoke and clutching his ribs as his body was wracked with a violent coughing fit…calling out for his mother the moment he regained his breath, only to break down into heaving sobs when he remembered that she’d been gone for nearly six months…

“Steve, look at me.” The sudden feel of his fingers pressed against a soft warmth finally forced Steve’s eyes open; although he was crouched in the corner of his girlfriend’s living room instead of a dingy alleyway behind Bay Ridge’s Alpine Cinema, his chest was still heaving under the strain of regaining his breath and his entire body was trembling. He focused on the blurry figure and realized in a flash of fear that it was (Y/N) kneeling on the floor before him, looking calm and composed as she held his hand against the side of her neck and gently spoke to him. “Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, like this.” The historical-fiction novelist completed the breathing exercise and nodded in approval when he shakily copied her. “That’s it, you’re doing so well, sweetheart. What are three things you can see?”

“You,” Steve automatically replied, making his girlfriend smile as his eyes darted around in search of two more items. “Sam’s bowl of wine corks…the lamp that you found at that estate sale a couple of weeks ago.”

“Good, good, but don’t forget to keep on breathing. What’re three things you can hear?”

He took another deep breath and released it before answering. “The rain falling on the rooftop above us…the refrigerator’s ice-maker refilling itself…the ticking of the clock in the entryway.”

(Y/N)’s eyes searched his and he spotted the flicker of trepidation that briefly flashed across them while she studied his features. “You’re doing such a good job, sweetheart. Now, can you touch three things for me and tell me what you feel?”

“Y-Yeah…” Steve swallowed thickly, his stiff fingers slowly flexing against the skin of his girlfriend’s neck as he focused on all he could feel. “Your pulse. It’s strong and steady. I can feel the warmth of the blood flowing through your veins.” Emboldened by her encouraging nod, he brought his other hand up to rest flat against his chest and stretched out his fingers along the material of his sweatshirt. “My sweatshirt’s soft, and my fingers catch on its embroidered logo…” He lowered his hand to touch the living room’s hardwood floor and winced at the unpleasant sensation. “The floor’s cold. All I can think about is the moment I crashed the Valkyrie into the ice.”

The historical-fiction novelist raised her arms but suddenly halted her movements. “Are you up for a hug right now?” Instead of answering, Steve wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into a tight embrace; he buried his face in her neck and squeezed his eyes shut as her arms draped around his shoulders, savoring the weight of her warm body pressed against his and practically preening when her fingers rhythmically carded through his hair. “You can talk to me, Steve. Whatever it is you have to get off your chest, I’ll listen.” He could feel her press a kiss onto his hair. “And if you want to just sit here and enjoy the silence, then I’ll be more than happy to oblige you. I…I don’t want you to be afraid of letting me in; you deserve to feel safe enough to express yourself, sweetheart, no matter what.”

Steve didn’t know how long they sat there in silence before he rested his chin on her shoulder and stared unseeingly at her cozy living room as he finally found his voice. “The first thing that people told me after coming out of the ice was how lucky I was. They told me that surviving the crash and the ice was a blessing in disguise and that I’d have a shot at living a better life – and they were all so damn pleased with themselves as they were saying it, too, like they could claim that they did their one good deed for the day by convincing Captain America that he was better off in the 21st century – and none of ‘em could understand why I wasn’t as happy as the rest of the world was. Fury arranged for me to see a therapist, but I stopped going after the first appointment because I could see that it’d be more of the same ‘be grateful for what you’ve been given’ shit; there was no one I felt that I could talk to, and then after Loki and the Battle of New York happened…well, most everyone stopped trying to get to know me after that. The lack of any genuine companionship meant it was easier for me to hide and even numb my feelings, but when I found myself bonding with you and Nat and Sam, I…I started to become afraid of driving you all away.”

Steve pulled back far enough to meet (Y/N)’s eyes, only realizing he’d started to cry when her hands delicately cradled his face and her thumbs brushed his drying tear tracks away. “Were you afraid of how we’d react if you admitted that you still think about your old life?” There was no hint of judgement in her expression or hostility in her eyes, only patience and consideration, and Steve found himself silently appreciating his girlfriend’s kindhearted nature as he nodded. “Sweetheart, I want you to listen to me very carefully: depriving yourself of emotions is to deprive yourself of humanity. You’re human, Steve, and you’re allowed to feel however you feel. The people who love you love you for who you are and while I can’t speak for Sam or Nat, I want you to know that I’ll never, ever ask you to repress your emotions for my sake.”

“(Y/N)…” Steve softly started as one of his hands moved to caress her cheek. “No matter what, I’m always gonna have these memories of my life without you in my head. I have no way of knowing when or even if I’ll be settled into my new life. Doesn’t that…doesn’t that bother you?”

His girlfriend smiled patiently and shook her head before countering his question with one of her own. “If our roles were reversed and I was the one who’d come out of the ice instead, would you still love and accept me for who I am?”

“Of course I would, sunshine,” Steve replied with conviction.

“Then believe me when I say that I’ll always love and accept you, sweetheart, no matter what.” With tears beginning to well in her own eyes, (Y/N) leaned forward and pressed a kiss onto his forehead. “Please, please believe me.”

Steve’s heart nearly broke at the desperation that laced her plea and he hurriedly nodded. “I believe you, baby.” He gently coaxed her to look up and into his eyes; the unabashed love that he saw emanating from her tear-filled eyes melted something deep within him, encouraging him to rest his forehead against hers and brush the pad of his thumb along her flushed cheek. “I believe you.” They stayed there for an undetermined amount of time, with their arms wrapped around one another and their eyes closed while they relished the warmth of one another’s embrace and listened to the steady patter of rain outside. When Steve felt his heartbeat slow to its usual pace and his limbs stop their trembling, he trailed his hand down from his girlfriend’s cheek to rest against her chest, in the space directly over her heart; he wasn’t sure why, but the steady beating of her heart against his palm was soothing to him. “Thank you for helping me through all of that; if I’d gone through it alone, I’d still be spiraling right about now.”

“If you don’t mind my asking, about how often do you go through a panic attack?”

Opening his eyes, Steve considered her question for several moments as he took in the consideration that was written across her face. “A couple of times a month,” He replied with a wistful smile. “They started right after I came out of the ice, but they’ve been happening a little more frequently lately.”

(Y/N) offered him a sympathetic smile. “You know, I may not be a Certified Kick-Ass Counselor like Sam is but if I learned anything from working with him down at the VA, it’s that acknowledging your feelings can be a great first step towards healing.” He hummed thoughtfully and took in her words as her fingers smoothed down his rumpled hair. “When you start to feel another panic attack coming on, you can always give me a call and I’ll do whatever I can to help you through it, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“I’m not sure how it’ll live up to this…” Steve’s arms wound back around the historical-fiction novelist’s waist and pulled her in close with a content smile on his face. “But I promise you I will.” The familiar jingle of their local ten o’clock news sounded throughout the living room, causing him to give his girlfriend an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, we’re probably missing that screwball comedy marathon you wanted to watch, aren’t we?”

“It’s okay, I’ll just head down to Barnes & Noble one of these days and buy the Blu-Rays. Besides, I think that now’s the perfect time to introduce you to one of favorite comfort movies, but only if you’re up for it.”

Steve, touched by the consideration she was continuously showing for him and his mental health, swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and pressed a chaste kiss onto her lips, pulling back after a moment with a playful grin. “I’m up for anything, so long as it’s with my best girl…and her world-famous Milk Duds-and-popcorn concoction, of course.”

“Oh, of course,” (Y/N) readily agreed as she fought the smirk of amusement that was threatening to spread across her face; after extricating herself from his embrace, she hopped to her feet and offered him her hand, lacing her fingers around his once he stood and leading him into the kitchen as she continued. “We’ll make my not-so-secret recipe, pop open another bottle of pricey wine, and then we’ll be all set to watch 1978’s Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band!”

“That’s the Beatles, right? So, does that mean the movie’s about the album?”

“…You’ll see.”

Needless to say, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band was one of the strangest movies Steve had ever seen, but it was also one of the most entertaining movie-watching experiences he’d ever had; he chuckled at all of the corny yet earnest moments, watched in admiration as his girlfriend sang along to each and every one of the Beatles songs that played and even caught himself tearing up at the few emotional moments, all while indulging in some delicious popcorn and wine. Steve’s arms were holding (Y/N) close while they lounged across the couch and it was then, as the historical-fiction novelist in his arms sang her heart out to the film’s absurd yet catchy version of ‘Get Back,’ that he realized he felt more grounded in reality than he’d felt in a long, long time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three days later, Steve was returning to his room in the Avengers Facility after a long intelligence briefing with the rest of the team when he spotted a box sitting in front of his suite’s locked door. I don’t remember ordering anything online, he thought to himself as he cautiously picked up the box and brought it inside; their mail was regularly scanned and checked for explosives and biological weapons upon arrival and while Steve was fond of bidding on used vinyl records on Ebay, he hadn’t logged into his account since well before his mission in Argentina.

“Please don’t be another ‘Over The Hill’ shirt from Tony,” He sighed under his breath, setting the package down onto his bed and retrieving his pocket knife from his dresser drawer.

Steve carefully sliced through the packing tape and pushed open the cardboard flaps, his head tilting to the side when his eyes landed on a misshapen bundle of bubble wrap inside. His interest piqued, he unfurled the piece of bubble wrap and his brows rose in surprise when a large stuffed black and white cow tumbled out onto his comforter; a small card was attached to the sky-blue bow around the stuffed animal’s neck, and he wasted no time in detaching it and reading its brief contents.

Sweetheart,

Meet Buttercup the Cow! I did a little research and found out that weighted stuffed animals can help reduce feelings of anxiety and even ground someone who’s experiencing a panic attack; whenever you begin to feel yourself spiraling or getting lost in your memories, hold Buttercup and imagine that I’m right there with you, giving you the biggest hug imaginable.

With all my love,

Your Sunshine

Steve’s eyes prickled with unshed tears as he placed the heartfelt note down on his dresser, right beside the framed sketch he’d drawn of his beautiful girlfriend long before they began to date. He picked up the stuffed cow and tested its weight in his hands before hugging it tight to his chest; he could already feel his shoulders relaxing and when he nuzzled his cheek against the soft fabric, he realized that the clever historical-fiction novelist had sprayed some of her perfume – Design by Paul Sebastian – onto the stuffed cow. Breathing in the familiar notes of tuberose and jasmine, Steve briefly closed his eyes as he smiled to himself and thought about how much he loved his girlfriend and her kind heart.

A brilliant idea suddenly came to Steve’s mind and after setting Buttercup down on his pillow, he pulled a jacket on, tucked his wallet into his back pocket and scooped up his motorcycle’s keys, hurrying out of his suite and down the hall to the common room; Sam was in the middle of making a sandwich while Wanda and Vision sat together on the sofa debating their favorite sitcoms, the counselor looking up from his half-made meal and flashing him a welcoming smile. “Hey, man, we’re gonna do a little team bonding and watch Modern Family while we eat lunch; you want a sandwich or a wrap?”

“Thanks for the offer, Sam, but I’ve gotta go run an errand,” Steve replied with an apologetic look and twirled his keys around his finger. “Do you happen to know where the nearest Barnes & Noble is?”

“Um, I think there’s one up in Kingston…?”

“1200 Ulster Avenue.” They both looked over at their android teammate as he nonchalantly continued. “According to all available data, the store sees low to moderate business around this time, and the traffic appears to be light.”

An impressed Steve gave him an appreciative nod. “Thanks, Vis.”

Their exchange caught Wanda’s attention, causing her to look up from her box set of DVD’s and arch a curious brow. “You usually detest going out on errands. Is everything all right?”

“Yep, I’ve just got some Blu-Rays I need to buy.” He flashed his befuddled teammates a grin as he brusquely headed out of the common room. “I’ll see you guys later!”

As he jogged down the steps and crossed their private parking lot towards his motorcycle, the cell phone in his pocket chimed; he swung his leg over and sat as he pulled his phone out to check his text messages, chuckling to himself after reading his friend’s brief message.

Sam: If you show up at Booksmart’s doorstep with a box set of old Cary Grant flicks, she just might ask you to marry her on the spot 😂

Glancing up towards the floor-to-ceiling window in the common room and spotting an amused Sam watching him, Steve grinned and gave the counselor a teasing salute before revving up the engine and taking off. I can’t think of a better outcome than that, he thought to himself as he sped down the road, a truly happy smile spreading across her face at the mental image of someday marrying the love of his life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: And there we have it! I promise, the next one-shot will be a little happier and although I haven't decided which movie/show I wanna tackle next, I'm sure that little series will be happier too! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I’ve created a Spotify playlist inspired by this series, and I’ll be updating it every time I upload a new chapter. Enjoy!

Spotify Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ziGMhEsAw833GQ9eV44nR?si=6dfead09c76848d5

Stumblin’ In Book VII: “Superhero Snapshots” Masterlist

Stumblin’ In Book II: “Age of Ultron” Masterlist

Tagging: @mrs-obrien @lahoete @awkward117 @cminr @natdrunk @momc95 @savedbystyle @miraculouscloud @awkwardnesshabitat @marinettepotterandplagg @mangosandmimosas @supersouthy @benakenalove @brooke0297 @hufflepeople @becausewelie @outoftheregular @junipermurdock @ladydmalfoy @mads-weasley @username23345@crist1216 @capswife @lilmschild @avngrsinitiative @crowleysqueenofhell @y-napotat @mary1raven @groovy-lady @ljej95 @innersublimefury @prettysbliss

#stumblin' in #steve rogers x reader #captain america x reader #captain america fic #steve rogers x f!reader #captain america x f!reader #steve rogers #sam wilson #falcon #natasha romanoff #black widow #bucky barnes #the winter soldier #tony stark #iron man #vision #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #marvel cinematic universe

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splinterofpandora · 1 month ago

Text

{BrightKnightUpcoming} <---------------------

-------------------don't miss part 13 by tag :O

Final Chapter. Kurt Busiek and John Paul Leon. Or how to save the hero in four issues.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. It may have been the best joke of the era. Maybe it was just a funny plot detail. But in Batman: Creature of the Night, Bruce literally has to take pills to get rid of Batman.

No spoilers. We're talking about a world in which The Dark Knight exists and doesn't exist at the same time. There are full comic books history here. There's Batman as a phenomenon of popular culture. The main character, Bruce Wainright, experiences similar events and one day, dreaming of a protector and justice, actually finds Batman.

We can talk about Busiek's comic at length, parsing it for metaphors, the relationship to the image in the popular mind, and the author's tortured fact and fiction details.

However, I want to focus on approaching Batman as a symbol of Light, so I ask you to explore the rest of the material on your own. It's really worth it.

In my opinion, people often make the mistake of distinguishing between the infantile playboy that Bruce is only in public in modern comics and the always serious being in disguise. In fact, since Crisis, Wayne has always had a little enemy inside in the form of a little scared boy that seeks vengeance. Kurt delves more deeply into the process of developing that style of thinking. Parses how the inner wall, which in the future will become the basis of the character and give start to many “I work alone” memes, is formed in the mind of a not-so-weird or frightening, but still peculiar teenager. Wayne is really taking the thought of parents to the back burner here. He successfully finishes university, runs a big business and even has a psychologist.

But trauma keeps life from going happily ever after. He fixates on the idea of pain and cruelty. On wanting the world to conditionally compensate him for his parents' death by defeating all the bad guys.

My point is that this is not a comic book with a good ending or about an easy fate. However, it does have its Robins, Gordons, etc that Bruce saves. The world doesn't change - Bruce is angry. Bruce is making a difference - that's cool, but it's not enough. It's a very simple and clear pattern.

The grand finale of the comic is the release of all the anger at the world that sat inside the man. When that goes away, and all that is left is peace, his life changes drastically. As does the symbol himself. Because we definitively lose the image of the hero in the traditional way. What is a superhero in DC?

These are the people with a lot of weight on their shoulders. The ones who get into the strangest situations all the time. Who wear cool, recognizable items on their chests.

I'm not talking about high morale, ability, or meta factor. We have a lot of characters that belong in the term superheroics from DC's perspective. But in a massive sense, it's about bringing fighting to the forefront.

Batman has always fought. In the Creature of the Night, he doesn't do that anymore.

In other words, what if Batman is literally just a regular person? What if his struggle now is proof that the model works, in which Batman is Harmony with Society, himself?

Because then he's still working great as Bruce Wayne, who does nothing but then becomes everything in the cape. Now the mask finally loses its meaning. The code is important, but it is no longer an obsession.

Chip destroyed the meaning of the fight. Batman hurt those who weren't guilty. We're not taking away the path he traveled earlier. But transform it into a different ideology.

Because in this model, Bruce, on the one hand, is actually capable of hurting loved ones quite badly. On the other hand, he won't do it because he believes that every action he takes affects hundreds of souls around him. Remember The White Knight.

It's a modern classic classic classic. Sean Murphy gives us the arguments with Dick, the complicated relationship with Babs. There are two portrayals of the Joker (we'll talk about him one day too), a reworked in detail but also exploring the legacy and fortitude of the fight with Azrael.

He's leaving because he stopped being a symbol that people could believe in. That they could always trust. I'm talking about freakin' love for 14 texts! Chip didn't scare Jason. He didn't break Dick's bone. He didn't betray Tim. He didn't turn his back on Renee. He didn't beat up Selina. I mean, he did. But at the level of the idea, it's about the reader.

Because you're changing the most important detail. You're removing awareness. Why is that...because he did the thing and here...it works in other comics? Because he's really sick at Kurt's. But he agrees to find a solution. He loses really everything in White Knight. No Alfred, no home, no sidekicks. And Wayne, who embraces mistakes. By the way, he does it at the end of Nolan's movies. Just by way of retirement. Or he's just happy, like Telltale is. There's variability there, but you got it. The main universes...

You really want to revisit Scott Snyder, the whole Cassandra story, Tom King, the BatCat phenomenon, the friendly hangouts with Clark and Diana? See, Batman's not evil at all. Not dark. Not “dead inside a long time.” Not bloody blows. Not screaming at tired villains. It's as much a mask as Bruce's social life in the headlines. It's there as periods. Like Jason's long stress...which turned into an obsession, but zayem he coped and gave up his revenge and self-hatred. Or Kate's lostness. Babs's chair.

The darkness reflects the light. Where do the rays go? To all the people around us. We're forcing Bruce to let the light in. To feel it.

Please stay for the last chapter. It will be useful if you liked my work.

#BrightKnightUpcoming #dc comics #bruce wayne #dark knight #white knight #batfamily #creature of the night #dcu #batfam

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samsayswhatever · 19 days ago

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I also wanted to point out that, when Saxon is not puffing out his chest, or making his boobs bounce LOL, he's usually soft? The way he sleeps in that episode (I don't remember which one - but one of the firsts), the way they framed the curve of his hip (something people normally focuses on women)... That profile frame looked delicate🌸 to me. Yes, he has muscles, and althought it's just a normal position to sleep, I don't know... é.e Maybe it's just the actor having a beautiful body and I'm being delusional over small things 😆 I didn't know I would get an hyperfixation on a white weird bro when I started watching season 3, but here we are é.e

Yeah, I love how soft he is for a guy who is obsessed with building muscles and being "manly." At the start of ep 2, Loch waked up to see him naked, and sleeping there like this, and he seems to real and vulnerable, and like you said, soft. He has a bit of a waist, and so we as the audience are reminded that he has hips. Guy's have hips and a butt, and can be soft and smooth, but those are often seen as feminine. But they don't have to be, and Saxon seems to want to run from that femininity. I'm not sure he thinks he's desirable, lovable, respectable, if he's "feminine" in anyway.

But even in his most buff scenes he doesn't look as angular as some buff guy's do. And I've seen picutes of the actor where he looks way more angular, so idk I feel like it was intentional for his character.

Saxon wants to be buff and stuff because that's what's gotten him love an attention, but somehow it doesn't 100% really fit him? There are a surprising number of scenes where he just looks so happy in a soft goofy way, that it makes his character kinda likable.

But I've seen how likable the actor can look too, and it's insane. Like he has the capacity to look to happy, and so full of joy as Pratick, as himself. And I hope (at least in fan fiction) Saxon can look that happy too.

I didn't expect this guy to be a part of my new obsession either. I started watching the white lotus because I was just bored, and I knew it was set in Thailand. But it's not too surprising, because I love flawed characters with obvious but unexplained trauma because I like the puzzle of analyzing what's there to figure out why they are they way they are.

#the white lotus #the white lotus season 3 #saxloch #saxon ratliff

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patheticjayce · 2 months ago

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This might sound really strange but hear me out:

People need to stop romanticizing romance.

The idea that there's only one person in the world for you is not only awfully limiting in real life but also clouding people's ability to enjoy complex human relationships in media.

Relationships are so complicated and humans are SO MESSY. Even the best people I know have done not-so-great things in relationships. Heck, I've done a ton of shit myself I'll be atoning for. We seem to forgive these things easier in real life than we do in media, where we suddenly become Moral Police and are quick to call out any relationship dynamic beyond "heteronormative, monogamous, extremely utopic".

And then to top it all off, because brains are funny little guys, humans attribute moral value to what people find enjoyable in media. Liking a " problematic" (-> to whom?) pairing suddenly makes you a target for harassment because you surely have to be the same or even worse to find enjoyment in this darkness.

I think "problematic" relationships are essential to creating more tangible, human characters, even if these characters exist in a fictional setting and are not exactly human. I believe the enjoyment of certain tropes is not about what is written in black and white on the AO3 tab, but about the feelings they provoke, and how this feeling is a soothing balm for a lot of people who have gone through certain life experiences. Why do a lot of trauma survivors tend to like darker stuff? there ya go ;)

It's the idea that anyone can be loved despite their demons (or being one, idk), despite their mistakes, or their past. I am broken but I deserve love. I am messy, ugly, different, possibly evil, and yet, I am loved. IYKYK.

I could go on and on into how a lot of toxic ships center around the concept of being " seen" but I'm gonna stop this here cause I'm rambling

#professional yapper #toxic love #toxic yuri #toxic yaoi #media literacy

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spicerackofblorbos · 1 year ago

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Chapter 1: November

☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world

☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, eventual smut (these update with every chapter)

☾ Author's note ➼ Hey guys! This is my first time writing fanfiction in a loooooong time, like the last time I wrote was probably in 2011. So with that said please be kind with any feedback or comments. I hope you enjoy! (also I made Hange's pronouns she/her/them/they)

Edit (11/27/2023): Hey guys, welcome to my little world of Unspoken Words. I have quite literally used this story as a way to better myself as a writer. As you read on, you may find that I've progressed (ofc I have a long way to go) but because of that, my first few chapters might be rough. With your patience, you may find a liking to this story as I know I've loved writing every word of it.

☾ word count ➼ ~7.1k

20-something years ago

You’re not sure how, but you find yourself sitting in the back of a big, white van. Red and blue lights danced in your eyes, and it felt like a thousand people surrounded you. Something plastic is placed on your face then you are instructed to breathe in deeply. You thought it was funny to be told to breathe, like you don’t just do it naturally, but you follow instructions regardless. It’s hard though, every part of your body hurts, chest included. Every breath you take feels like your insides are on fire.

‘Fire’, you think.

Everything is on fire.

Present Day

Levi stood blank faced as he meticulously cleaned the blender station for what felt like the 100th time today. The late afternoon rush had just tapered down so he took advantage of the next to empty café to clean as much as he could before closing for the evening.

“It’s 20 degrees outside, how are people still wanting frozen drinks.” he murmurs to himself, placing the blender back in its spot. Levi turns to the front counter and slings the towel he was using to dry things onto his shoulder.

His best friend, roommate, and business partner could be seen restocking some books on tall shelves, a gentle smile lighting up his boyish features. It’s been about a year and a half since they started this business venture together and they had no idea at the time how successful their bookstore-café combo would be in this small town.

Erwin’s thirst for knowledge kept their shelves as variable as ever while Levi’s love for perfecting the art of tea kept the drinks flowing. The problem, however, was Levi’s lack of people skills. He was seldom seen at the register, nor would you ever see him smile or talk to the customers. He often would leave you with a grunt and a swift turn after handing off the drinks.

No, for that, they had hired a couple of local highschoolers to do the facing work.

“Mr. Smith, Levi?” a soft voice rang out to the left of him. Levi shifted his attention to a taller girl with shoulder length raven hair standing next to him. Being as Mikasa is his cousin, they found early on how weird it was to be called ‘Mr. Ackerman’ as they shared the same surname. It was this connection too that got them to where they are today.

“Would it be okay if Eren and I take off a little early tonight? We have some big tests coming up and we’d like to take some extra time to study.” Mikasa shifted her dark eyes to the darkening windows as the sun set just over the horizon. Pinks and oranges flooded the partially clouded skies.

”Tch.” Levi could not help but roll his eyes. He raised a brow at her and leaned back against the counter behind him for support. “Sure, I guess,” he continues. “But do you really need it or is it for that blockhead?”

As if summoned by his words, Eren comes up from behind Mikasa and wraps a red scarf around his girlfriend’s neck, both of their jackets hanging off one of his arms. Eren is a good kid, always on time and followed directions, but the amount of sass he held in his body was something else. Levi and Erwin did not mind though, as he added a certain energy in the café that the customers seemed to enjoy. The two men wouldn’t say it out loud, but they really appreciated having them both on the team.

“Hey, I heard that. And yes, I need to study desperately. Econ is so hard and for what?!” Eren’s teal eyes widened for emphasis. To add to it he even put on a fake pout.

“I-”

“Just take the trash with you on the way out and you’re good to go.” Erwin piped up from behind a bookshelf.

Mikasa nodded in acknowledgement towards the voice, a silent thank you. Like Levi, she was not one for many words. He once thought it was an Ackerman thing but then he thought back to his annoying uncle and changed his mind quickly.

With that, she and Eren both untangled the aprons from their bodies, grabbed their belongings, and picked up the trash bags that were already taken out of the cans. They opted to leave through the back since the dumpsters were located that way. Again, Levi wouldn’t say it to anyone out loud, but he really did like those kids.

Erwin could be heard stacking more books into the shelves which left Levi to polish the counters again. It was the last hour before they closed so it stayed quiet for the most part, only interrupted by the sounds of scuffling shoes and books being placed on hard surfaces. Light jazz filled the rest of the silence. Then the bell signifying new customers rang from the front.

“Levi, can you grab that?”

The raven-haired man just huffed in response then stepped over to the register. His eyes fell on two figures right in front of him. A frazzled brunette and... you.

Due to the season, you are bundled up in a thick parka and knitted beanie. A big scarf wraps around your neck and face so that all Levi could see is your flushed cheeks and thick lashed eyes. Truthfully, you reminded him of a marshmallow.

“What’ll it be?” he asks, deadpan. The brunette is the one to respond, the voice loud enough to make him wince.

“Hmmm... well one English breakfast tea latte with lots of room for sugar aaaaand I’ll take a peppermint hot chocolate. Oh, and extra whip! We’ll drink it here.” She fished out a card with a dramatic thwip and handed it to Levi’s outstretched hand. Their café is one of those where if you were to stay, they offered washable cup ware as to keep the prices down on disposable cups. Not to mention the lessened ‘environmental impact’ as Erwin would say.

Levi glances at you before turning to make both orders. You give a small wave and smile a little, but he was already working quickly on the drinks.

He went into autopilot as he steeped the tea and steamed the milk. He really appreciated customers that ordered anything outside of coffee, especially when it came to tea. It’s not that he hated coffee, though it’s not like he liked it either, but it just wasn’t his thing. Coffee offered a different kind of bitterness that he wasn’t very fond of. With extra whipped cream in one and extra space in the other, he whirled around to place the drinks on the counter.

The one with glasses is the one that picks them up and they promptly walk in the direction of where you currently sit, one of the tables in the back corner by the window. You were stripped of your big parka and scarf, though the beanie stayed. Your eyes were wandering around the café in wonder, and Levi was pretty sure this had to be your first time here. But truthfully, he wouldn’t know, he didn’t make it his business to know his customers. That was Erwin’s and the kids’ job.

“The shelves are full and I’m exhausted.” Erwin came around the counter with a couple of empty boxes in his arms, heading straight for the back to the dumpster. Levi stepped back and leaned against the counter once again, his own black tea that had steeped while making yours cradled in his fingertips. He kept looking at his only customers while he sipped the black liquid. The teacup almost slipped out of his grip as he saw you dumping a large amount of sugar into your cup.

There you sit, extremely focused on the cup in front of you and lips pressed together tightly, almost as if you were afraid you’d put in too much. The sight would have been funny if you hadn’t just ruined your entire tea, he thinks to himself. You smile to yourself in satisfaction and put the sugar jar back where it came from. While you stir the sweetener in gently, the brunette in front of you talks animatedly. Hands were flying everywhere, and Levi could practically feel the energy radiating from the corner of the room. You were doing the same, silently laughing.

Suddenly the front door flew open, the bell ringing loudly with it. Levi grits his teeth, steeling himself for yet another customer interaction. But his shoulders dropped in relief at the sight of only Carly, Erwin’s girlfriend. She saunters up to the counter with a big smile aimed towards Levi and without even asking she slid behind the bar. Erwin had already made it from the back and was in the process of putting away the leftover ingredients from the day. Carly wraps her arms around her boyfriend and plants a big kiss on his face, to which Levi quickly looks away. It wasn’t weird for her to come in right as they were about to close.

What was weird, he thought, was the shock that flooded your face as you eyed the very public display of affection. Levi knit his brows in confusion as the brunette pivoted in her seat to see what you were staring at. Their face fell, any evidence of a good time completely erased.

“Carly?”

The person in question whipped around so fast at the voice and the panic that exuded from her was palpable. She quickly unwrapped herself from Erwin’s embrace.

“Hange.”

If it wasn’t for the jazz in the background, the lengthy silence that followed would have been deathly.

Carly clears her throat and laughs awkwardly.

“Uh, why are you here?”

The person named Hange just lifts their hot chocolate cup awkwardly, not really saying anything. Their eyes shift between Carly and Erwin, clearly understanding what had happened.

“I-I’m sorry, you guys know each other?” Erwin sounds cautious, like he already knew the answer. Of course, he would, he isn’t dumb. His piercing blue eyes survey the situation, going back and forth between the two.

“Well, uh. I-” Carly stutters, clearly at a loss of what to say in the predicament she found herself in.

“She’s my girlfriend.” Hange claims calmly.

This admission makes Erwin sigh heavily, confirming what he had pieced together. Levi stared at him in bewilderment as the man just chuckled quietly.

“Well. I suppose that’s it then.” And with that he turns on his heel and stalks off to the back room.

“Wait, Erwin I can explain!” She follows right on his heels and disappears into the back room as well. A minute later you can hear hysterical crying and calm retorts reverberating from the back. If Levi could shrink into the cabinets to get out of this situation, he would. Instead, he focuses on the other party who were having a very quiet and rushed discussion. Well, a one-sided discussion, as he only heard one voice.

Levi, realizing it was almost time to close anyways, rushes to close the distance between him and the front door. He really did not want to have to deal with other customers while the drama unfurled. So, he flips the door sign to ‘Closed’ and unplugs the ‘Open’ neon sign hanging in the window. A couple walks by about to open the door, probably out for a café date from the looks of it. But they were only met with a dead stare from the sharpest eyes they’d ever seen. With that, they briskly turned around and left down the sidewalk.

Levi spins around and from here he gets a better look at the two trapped customers. You were moving your hands all over the place like you were earlier. But with an even closer look he realizes you weren’t just talking animatedly with your hands; you were talking with them. You were signing.

You reacted to your partner’s conversation just fine, so it was clear you had some sort of hearing. Your scarf now hung loose around your shoulders, and it looked like you had tears brimming in your eyes. Levi swiftly walks back to the counter; this is obviously not a conversation he needed to be a part of.

“Hey, don’t worry about me. It’s only been a couple of months. Really, it’s better to find out now than 3 years from now.” They laughed without humor. You know when Hange was saving face for your sake, she was never as sly as she thought she was.

‘You don’t need to be strong right now.’ You sign then reach your hand out to touch her cheek softly. Physical touch had become your second language early on, if only to emphasize. Fortunately, Hange was okay with that and often embraced it with open arms.

“I know, my little strawberry. I just need some time to process everything.” They pat you on the head lightly with a small grin. You swat their hands, blushing at the nickname you were so graciously given so many years ago. But you nod back, knowing they would not change their mind.

The tall blonde glides through the back door, alone. His face was grim as he tugged loose the tie around his neck.

“Hange, was it?” He started walking towards you and your very startled sister.

“U-uh yeah. That’s my name! Listen I had no idea, I’m so sorry. I would have said something obviously but-”, they take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. What’s your name again?”

“Erwin Smith. There is nothing to apologize for as I can only assume there’s only one blame to be given. I hate that we must meet under such a circumstance, but it is truly nice to meet you.” He raises a hand waiting for a handshake.

Hange takes it after a second of processing, shaking the hand vigorously with both hands.

“Well, unfortunately it is what it is. I’m sure Carly and I will be speaking soon. I’m assuming she’s not just hiding back there.” They flick their gaze to the back door he had just come through.

“Ah well, yes. Long gone... how long were you two...?”

“Only like, 3 months or so. You?”

He flinched at that and murmured, “3 Years.”

Thinking back to her comment not 10 minutes ago, Hange bit their cheek.

“Oh man I’m so sorry.”

“No, please. It’s alright. None of this is yours or my fault. We couldn’t have known, but now we do.” Erwin chuckled to himself. You wonder if he’s trying to save face the way your sister did. His gaze now shifts to you. He is a very handsome man. To your extreme surprise, he starts signing to you.

‘I'm sorry, who might you be? I noticed you signing earlier. I know a little from the books I have read.’ His crystal blue eyes sparkle at you as he signs. You can’t help but break out into a huge grin. You sign your name back and compliment him on his raw signing form.

‘I am of hearing, though. So please feel free to talk, and I will sign back.’ You clarify to Erwin, the smile not falling from your face.

“That sounds like a plan. Levi, stop hiding behind the counter and come say hi.” Erwin calls out, not bothering to look over his shoulder. You hear a grunt in response and not 10 seconds later, the barista stands cross armed next Erwin. He nods a hello to each of you.

You knew he was shorter than you, at least a couple inches, based off the interaction at the counter earlier. But seeing him side by side with his friend was almost comical. But as short stature as he was, it did not keep him from holding himself with such authority. It made you nervous.

‘Thank you for the tea, it was very good.’ You sign, your sister translating in real time for you.

“Tch, are you sure? I saw you dump enough sugar in it to make it syrup.” Levi retorts dryly.

That makes you smile sheepishly. His fixated stare unnerved you a little, but you stare back regardless. Now that he was closer, a glass case no longer between the both of you, your eyes traveled along his face in close inspection.

He’s beautiful, you think to yourself. His features are sharp and angled. Steely gray eyes pronounced a permanent exhausted look. It was a shade of gray you’ve never seen before, and they were mesmerizing. As if he could feel you staring holes in his face, he flicks his eyes to the side, clearly uncomfortable. But you can’t help it, because really the most intriguing thing about him was not his metallic eyes. It was the scars that marred his porcelain skin.

A couple of scars ran down the right side of his face. The prominent of the two trailed from the top right of his forehead all the way down to his chin, cutting into his right eye and both lips. You’re pretty sure his eye was quite damaged due to the slight muted discoloration of the eye color.

He’s beautiful, you repeat to yourself. You glance over to Hange, and they just look over at you with a knowing look. You know she was just begging to ask Levi too, but she just shakes her head. So, you fold your hands together and pinch your lips together.

“Well!” Hange yells out, breaking the silence. “This human really needs a drink. Let’s all go! Erwin, I demand you let me treat you to a couple drinks!” She wraps an arm around your shoulders and laughs.

“A drink sounds fantastic; I will gladly take you up on that offer. Let me just close up rea-” He’s cut off by Levi raising both of his hands up in protest. You notice the two missing fingers on his right hand. The pointer and middle were gone. Whatever this man went through, you just had to know. But you toss those questions onto an ever-growing pile and bite your cheek.

“Erwin, I can close up. You go ahead.” Your sister just smiles widely and practically jumped up and down. The blonde man just clapped his hand Levi’s shoulder and smiled at him.

“Thank you. You’ll join us after? The usual place?” Levi just shrugs his shoulders in response.

Part of you hoped he would. You couldn’t place a singular reason why though.

Fifteen minutes later, the three of you found yourselves in a well-lit and very crowded bar. Somehow Erwin had snagged a table near the back wall. Heavy rock blares loudly from a live band maybe 20 feet away. Overwhelming was an understatement, but you grit your teeth and sit down on one of the stools.

“Whatcha want, my darlings?!” Hange yells over the music, slapping both hands down on the table and staring at the both of you.

“Whiskey neat, whatever they offer is fine.”

You sign the words ‘apple’ and ‘juice’ followed by a ‘thank you’. You’ve never been one for a drink. While it was tolerable to be around, you’d rather not have to taste it if you could help it.

Looking around, you see all manners of people surrounding you. Something about it makes your stomach turn but you shift in your seat to quell it down. You’re sure it’s only so crowded because of the prospect of a Friday night and the promise of no plans the following day. The town of Jinae was not anything special, but it was quaint. You and your sister found out quickly it was a place where everyone knew mostly everyone. After only settling down here from your hometown 5 months ago, you were still learning of all the local spots.

From the looks of it, this bar was one of those. “The Scouts” was an inviting place, decorated with dark greens and wood tones. The walls were littered with many frames of a lot of different people. You imagine it might have been local residents in various locations of the town. All of the wood was worn down, so it was clear this place has been in business for a while. A neon sign hangs above the stage where the live band played, something that resembled blue and white wings. It makes you wonder what the significance is.

Your thoughts are disturbed as a glass is placed in front of you. Realizing the dryness in your throat, you pick up the glass and take a big swig of the amber liquid. You’re met with a burning sensation, and you gag. This alerts Hange of the unfortunate mistake.

“Ah I’m sorry my little strawberry!! They do look quite similar though, don’t they?” They switch the glasses quickly and laugh. You notice the very noticeable cup size differences between the two and you stare at her quizzically. “I may have taken a shot while at the bar, sorry.” she adds on. It makes you shake your head, but you grab her hand reassuringly and chuckle.

‘I’m sorry.’ You sign at Erwin, and he just smiles back.

“Not a problem. But I have to ask, how was it?” A bushy eyebrow raises at you in amusement.

You just stick your tongue out and make a gagging gesture at him. You laugh though, not really upset.

Two apple juices in, the live band ends. Hange and Erwin are very deep in conversation, which you suspect might be about Carly. You can’t really hear what’s being said though. With the absence of music, chatter quickly fills the air. Honestly it was really starting to get to you. So, after tapping on the pair’s shoulders and signing where you were going, you find yourself leaning over the guard rail just outside the bar’s door.

The sun was already far gone. A crescent moon sits high in the sky and a smatter of stars surrounds it. The cold air felt very welcome on your very flushed face. You exhale a big sigh, which garners a puff of steam. It makes you laugh so you do it again. Then you start to wonder how long you might be able to last out here before getting frostbite when suddenly a body starts leaning against the rail next to you.

With a start, you whip your head to face the newcomer. Instantly you relax at the sight of Erwin’s friend. He was adorned in a big peacoat and his casual slacks. A tan turtleneck sweater peaks out from the jacket’s collar. His face was flushed as well, no doubt from the cold.

Levi.

He wasn’t paying you any mind though, instead his gaze laid upon the sky above, at the stars. You wave at him anyways and offer a small smile. He glances at you with a side eye and returns a curt nod.

Not one for words.

So, you both stand there in silence, staring up at the twinkling lights above. It wasn’t uncomfortable in the slightest. Something about his presence radiated a sort of calm, and you were happy to bask in it.

After a few minutes, he shifts his weight in your direction, so you face him. He’s staring up at you and it makes you swallow hard. His eyes glowed silver from the moonlight. Truly you have never been this fascinated with a person until now.

“You like the stars.” It wasn’t a question, more like a statement.

You nod in agreement, smiling to emphasize your love for them. He purses his lips at that. It seemed as if he wanted to say something else to that, but nothing came out. It just makes you frown a bit. You just have more questions that keep piling up. Everything about him just emanated mystery and it made you want to know all about him.

‘Are you okay?’ You sign to him, exaggerating your frown to show your concern. You’re only met with a look of confusion. You forget that he does not know much if any sign. And you kick yourself for leaving your communication tools at home. To be fair though, this is not where you expected to be tonight.

You then get an idea to use your phone to type to him but before you even reach into your pocket, you’re interrupted by a sudden blast of warm air as a couple stumbles out of the bar, both in a giggling fit as they cling to each other. They take off down the road, laughing even harder. The brief warm air makes you shiver, reminding you of the cold outside.

As if thinking the same thing, Levi catches the door before it closes and holds it open for the both of you. You’re suddenly well aware of the very loud singing happening from within and your eyes widen at the familiarity of one of the voices. You and Levi make your way to the voices and are greeted with the sight of Erwin and Hange duetting a Backstreet Boys song.

What a sight it was. The tall brunette, face flushed and glasses askew, had their arm around Erwin. He his blonde hair was quite tousled, and he looked like he was having the time of his life. They both swayed together as they belted out the lyrics. As if their smiles were contagious, you felt yourself grin. It was kind of cute. So, you pull out your phone and snap a quick picture, sure to show Hange in the morning. It was a good thing too, because the song ends right as you put your phone away in your bag. Levi clicks his tongue and huffs. You glance over at the noise and notice a small upturn to the corner of his scarred mouth. Noticing your gaze, his face vacates itself from any emotion as he stares back ahead.

“Oi! Eyebrows!” He calls out to his friend. Levi starts making his way to the stage, walking with a slight limp. Yet another question to add onto the pile. “I’m gone for 45 minutes and you’re already singing.”

“I’m fine! Just a couple drinks in.”

You all make your way to the table you had laid claim to earlier. You survey the table and count at least 6 more glasses, not counting your two. It was hard to see who drank what.

‘Are you okay?’ You sign to your sister, concern etched on your face. They just nod lazily and give a thumbs up with both hands. Levi is regarding you with a look of understanding, and it seems he realized that you had asked him outside. Music starts playing over the speakers again, and people start making their way to the dance floor. Hange squeals and downs the rest of her drink quickly.

“Erwin let’s go!” She grabs his arm, not waiting for a response. He gives a mock salute to the two of you and follows without question. Levi just clicks his tongue again and heads to the bar to get himself something. So, you plop yourself down on the stool and stare out into the room. Out of nervous habit you start fidgeting with the napkins in front of you. A moment later, Levi’s hobbling over with a tray of drinks.

“I got the idiots some water, they look like they need it.” He places the glasses down with a thud, including one of his own housing some sort of caramel liquid. Then he’s sliding something over to you and you’re about to protest that you don’t drink but you realize it’s not a glass. It’s a notepad and pen.

“If you need something, this might come in handy.” is all he says.

You’re quick to show your appreciation with a bright smile. You also note to yourself that you could have very well have used your phone to communicate but you were not one to disregard someone’s thoughtfulness. It makes something bloom in your chest, warm and comforting.

Your many years of not having a phone of course meant writing – a lot. Your handwriting evolved plenty with time so that meant it was extremely neat. It had to have been so that the reader would be able to read it without an issue.

First you write your name, as you realize no one had really said it out loud while at the teashop. Following that you add ‘I think your shop is wonderful, and I really did enjoy the tea you made.’ You also want to jot down the questions from earlier that were still swimming in your mind, but you hold yourself back. You tell yourself maybe later, granted if there would even be a later.

When angling the paper so he could see it, his eyes flit across the words quickly and you’re given a grunt in acknowledgement. Pulling back the notepad, you bite the inside of your cheek. While it wasn’t awkward being next to him, he sure made it hard to talk to. His cold demeanor gave you the feeling he wasn’t the type to talk about himself, especially with someone he just met. So, asking questions about him or his life was out the window. Likewise, he did not really seem interested in hearing your life story, not like you were planning to spill it anyways for fear of being met with disdain. You had plenty of experiences with that growing up.

Tapping the pen against your chin, your eyes drift around the bar room. There a multitude of people lingering about, shouting over each other to be heard. A couple sits in a corner, whispering who knows what to each other. Both of their cheeks are flushed and eyes heavy with lust. A handful of people are on the dance floor grinding away, your sister and new friend sticking out like a sore thumb as they dance with reckless abandon. All of this gave you an idea, remembering something you’ve read before many moons ago. You start scrawling on the paper again.

‘Are you a gambling man, Levi?’

You shift the pad back over to him and he glances down again after taking another sip of his spirit. He was holding his glass in a way you’d never seen before and honestly it was a little weird.

“Tch, hardly. Why do you ask?” He looks hard at you as you scratch something else down.

‘I propose a game to pass the time. Let’s make some bets about the random people in this room.’

He looks at you incredulously. You stand your ground, not averting your gaze even a little. When you don’t back down, he just scoffs and shakes his head at you.

“I literally could not care less about these people,” he clicks his tongue. “But I suppose there’s not much else to do so I’ll bite.” Knocking back the rest of his drink, he moves around you to lean back against the wall so that he is facing the rest of the crowd. You shift so that you are doing the same. You don’t overlook the proximity to the shorter man, nor the fact that your arms are almost touching. You start to scribble once more.

‘Winner gets to ask the loser one question.’ As his eyes fall on your words, he seems a little taken aback. Levi seems to think for a moment, like he’s weighing his pros and cons.

“One non-personal question.” He amends. You both nod in agreement. So, your eyes travel around the room, looking for your first target. It falls on a group not so far away.

‘I bet that gaggle of young girls over there are here for a bridal party.’

You point in the direction of the said group. Currently they were taking tequila shots, lime and all. All of them sparkled and were dressed up to the nines, save for the silly little hats adorning their heads. And they were having so much fun.

“No way,” Levi scoffs, “That has to be a 21st birthday. They all look like babies.”

Suddenly someone comes through a parting in the crowd with a tray of assorted colorful drinks garnished with cute little accessories. They all yell in excitement at the sight. One of the girls raises her glass and starts shouting.

“To Estelle! May your married life be full of infinite love, happiness, and orgasms!” They all cheer and take big gulps of their drinks, followed by more giggling.

Levi glances art you, his gray eyes dull in the dim bar light. An eyebrow lifts at you as well.

“How did you know?”

You do a sweeping gesture starting from one shoulder down to the opposite hip. He looks back over to the women and conveniently the soon-to-be-bride had faced your direction. She was indeed wearing a white sash sporting the word ‘BRIDE’ in bright pink letters. He huffs as he rolls his eyes, and you smirk at him in return. You press the pad over to him, already equipped with your question.

Levi scoffs at your question. As promised, it wasn’t very personal. You figured ice breaker like questions were a good start. But his pause made you question if this was a good idea, you didn’t want to run him off or make him uncomfortable. Then he clicks his tongue, and his face softens ever so slightly.

“My favorite hobby, huh? It would have to be cleaning.” He simply states.

Cleaning?

‘Like mopping, dusting, all that jazz?’

“Yeah, it brings me peace. I like the control. Plus, I can't stand filthy things, people, or places. It’s repugnant.” He scrunches his nose at the last statement. A laugh bubbles up and you can’t help but let it loose. You’re shot with a glare and a sharp tone.

“Funny?”

You shake your head no and smile lightly while your hands move adeptly on the pad.

‘Not funny, just amusing because it’s not something I would have expected. It’s different. If it makes you happy then it is an admirable hobby.’

Levi’s looking away from you now. If it wasn’t so dim, you would have seen there was a light dusting of pink color his cheeks and ears. He clears his throat and scans the room for his victim. His eyes land on the couple in the back corner whispering to each other. He notices their not-so-subtle hand movements as they felt each other up. Nodding in their direction, he looks back over to you, leaning close so you can hear.

“I bet that couple will get up in the next 3 minutes and excuse themselves to somewhere private.” Your eyes travel in that direction, only to look away hastily at such an intimate scene. You’re not able to think of a counter-bet because honestly, you’re thinking the same thing. Your eyes settle back to his face, but he’s already looking back at the couple. If he noticed you staring, he didn’t say. Suddenly his face is filled with a satisfied look, only to be replaced quickly with a look of horror. You follow his gaze again, afraid of what you might see.

Fortunately, it’s nothing risqué, as you catch the tail end of the couple slipping into one of the public, unmarked restrooms. But the thought of their future actions was enough to gross you out. Looking back at Levi, you scrunch your face up in disgust. He nods in understanding.

“This is why we don’t use public restrooms, especially in a bar.” He pinches the bridge of his nose with his good hand. “When I said somewhere private, I meant like a residence or something. Filthy animals, unbelievable. They better scrub that bathroom down. Maybe I should tell the bartender when they’re done. Maybe I should help clean.”

His retorts crack you up, your shoulders bouncing from silent laughter. He just stares at you impassively as he runs his fingers through his hair to get it out of his face.

“Well, it’s not like we should ruin their fun. Anyways I suppose I won. Let’s see... what’s your favorite color?”

You part your lips, dumbfounded. This was never an easy question, as you found joy in a lot of different colors. You bite your lip and start writing, but after a couple minutes Levi rips the pad from your hands out of impatience.

salmon

turquoise?

canary yellow!

orange

dark forest gre-

He just looks at you in alarm.

“Just pick one.” he scolds.

You snatch the pad back and scribble down, ‘It’s not that simple!’

“It is to me. White, easy.” You just stare right back at him, not believing what you just heard. Out of all the many shades and hues out there, this man decides the color white.

‘Why?’

“It’s clean.” is the only response you get.

It makes sense, you think. But seriously, this man was so weird. But like you said earlier, it was different and that made it refreshing to you. You start searching for your next bet.

As if in a scene from a movie you’ve seen a dozen times came to life, your eyes snap to a lone woman sitting at the bar, nursing a drink and playing on her phone. A couple seats down, you spot a few men chatting. One of the men is staring hard at the very oblivious woman. You nudge Levi with your elbow, not unnoticing the slight flinch from your touch. You point to the scene, and he is quick to understand.

“I bet when he walks over to her, she’ll get up and leave.” He says confidently.

Trusting your instincts, you scrawl back quickly as you notice the man started making his way towards the woman. Sticking your tongue out at him, you angle the pad to him so he could see.

‘Absolutely not. She’ll tell him off right away.’

To both yours and his surprise, not one moment later she throws the rest of her drink contents onto the man’s head. She gathers her belongings, throws a wad of bills on to the bar, then stomps out of the establishment. The rejected man staggers back to his friends, and they applaud him for his supposed gall. This event left you both stunned. There’s a moment of pause where you and Levi just stare at each other before all hell breaks loose as he starts talking and you start scribbling furiously.

“She walked away, I win.”

‘She threw that drink on him, that’s practically telling him off. And that happened before any walking off.’

“That hardly counts, no words were used.” He scoffs and folds his arms across his chest as he stares hard at you. You weren’t sure if the indignation was real or not, but it was evident in his face.

‘Words are not always needed to convey intent.’ You shoot back at him, shifting your weight to tap your foot defiantly. You would know this of course.

This makes Levi pause. He opens his mouth to say something but then Erwin and Hange came crashing into the little bubble you two had made. Suddenly the sounds of clinking glasses and mindless chatter came rushing in and you took a step back.

“Um, I think Hange might have had a little too much tonight.” Erwin says, to which your attention is drawn to a very drunk Hange. They were a blubbering, sobbing mess. Whining about things that ranged from Carly to her work stress and everything in between. Your sister rarely got this drunk, but you imagine the events from earlier might have been her breaking point. This was a sign to get her home.

You hastily round the table to wrap her arm around you and prop her up. Then after whipping a $20 out of your purse and throwing it on the table in front of the boys, you give them a grateful smile and sign to Erwin.

‘Thank you both for tonight. She and I had a lot of fun. But I need to get her home before she gets worse.’ As if on cue, they let out a loud wail and start sobbing into your shoulder. You shift your body to hold them closer so that you don’t drop them. Erwin grabs your $20 and shoves it back in your purse before zipping it up. He had left you no time to protest as he places a large hand on your shoulder and stares intensely at you.

“Please, let me take care of this. Tell them this was an exceptional time. And to please stop by the café again, we owe each a good, sober talk.” His bright blue eyes crinkled in the corners as he smiled at you warmly. “It was a pleasure meeting you too. I hope you join Hange on the café visits as well. I think Levi has warmed up to you just nicely.” He wiggles an eyebrow at his friend. Levi just shoves him back and rolls his eyes.

“Tch, fuck off. She’s alright, I guess.” He’s staring at you now, not as cold as before. “You owe me an answer next time we meet.”

You purse your lips at him and shake your head in disagreement.

‘I totally won that, don’t even think otherwise.’ You jot down lazily on the notepad still on the table. It wasn’t as neat, but you were propping up a whole human, you couldn’t help it.

“Are you sure you’re safe to get home okay? We can he-” You cut Erwin off with a wave of the hand. Their spot of choice was actually very lucky, as you only live a few minutes away. And to be honest, you needed the cold air. So, you sign a quick goodbye to your new friends and make your way out.

Walking down the snowy sidewalk, you pat Hange’s head as she grumbles about random things. She opted to walk herself, but you kept your hand in theirs to lead them in the right direction. She only stumbled a few times but overall, you were able to keep a steady pace. You note that before you left, her glass of water had been untouched, so you make a mental reminder to hydrate her before throwing her in bed.

‘Alcohol was not kind to those in their 30s’ you heard their voice say in the back of your mind.

As your steps left crunching noises in their wake, you peer up at the moon and glittering stars. A certain raven-haired and silver-eyed man etched in your brain. You wonder how soon it will be before seeing him again.

‘Levi’ you sign to yourself with a free hand. A smile cemented to your face the whole way home.

☾ Next Chapter: December

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storkmuffin · 25 days ago

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muffin, hi hi!!! i love your essays relating to atz, is nice seeing someone else's perspective of their bonds, form of speaking, and overall personas 🫶🫶 feel like there isn't that many space for convos like this on twt or other places

and ive come to ask two things (and an observation related to what ive come to realize after reading your essays)

1. sorry if this is too forward, but how are neurodivergencies treated in korea? :0 did you get a diagnosis or are you selfdx? its something I've wondered ever since seeing tinys or even other kpop fandoms say that "x member is nd!"

2. ...are you planning to make a hj essay soon? i find him a very interesting man ☝️ i even dare say that he gives off the vibe of someone that doesn't want his members (or even tinys) to be truly away from him, like. the fact that his loreteez character is doing so much to keep them together, and if we take the "henry jo is hj from an alternative timeline" theory into account, alongside the guy saying that a lot of the lore is based in some irl aspects... yeah

and the recurrent "dont look at other idols" jokes he makes 😭😭 in my country theres a saying that goes "entre broma y broma, la verdad se asoma" (lit. in every joke, the truth peeks through) and this definitely applies here imo. i just think that he's probably a bit insecure and thinks that many people aren't going to stay with him, or maybe im reading him wrong/too much

and now for the reflection (or conclusion idk)

man. im truly taking bits and pieces of these men in order to build the fictional boy i used to love for many years. (im sorry if that sounds dehumanizing but hear me out)

i got into atz after a past hyperfixation of mine went badly (never get into white gamer men), and i just needed something to keep myself afloat and sane— that "love" ended up being more genuine as time passed, them being less of a "rebound" (im sorry) and more of something i like and im passionate abt, alongside another long-standing hyperfixation ive had with a fictional boy

a few months ago that hyp also went badly. i didn't wanted to see or acknowledge that his author was fumbling him for years, and that he was slowly changing into someone else. it all blew up on me seeing all the traits that i loved about him not being there anymore, he was pretty much a soulless doll that got into a frankly undercooked relationship with his girl best friend. no acknowledgement of his trauma, no introspection, not even some tears (he was my crybaby hero!!! WHERE DID HE GO 😭😭)

but anyways. ever since then ive been getting more into atz, and the more i started to realize how i unconsciously was attracted to members that displayed the most aspects of the fictional character's personality. for ex. hwa's passion for his interests, sn's drive to protect and understand people that are different to him, mingi's live convos taking things like aliens coming to earth seriously... in those moments, i found glimpses of what that boy was for me- i could almost reach out and feel that he was actually real, even if he was cut to pieces and in different people.

maybe the boy i loved was the most basic form of something made for a woman to love and fantasize about, but that doesn't erase that ive spent almost a decade loving him idc

-🧋(im sorry for dropping an entire manifesto here, have a good day xoxo 💋)

OK first of all, I love that you called me MUFFIN :D :D. Secondly, this imaginative way you're using the personas that Ateez is presenting to you and weaving as they go is one of the optimal ways of engaging in fandom. You seem kind of down on yourself about approaching things that way but, Friend, reality is harsh and life can be very difficult, and there's nothing wrong with engaging in fantasy using the publicly presented personas of people who want your attention. You seem imaginative in general, so maybe, eventually, instead of having to rely on other authors (who disappoint), you can create your own blorbo, which then will delight other people.

To answer your questions:

I am self diagnosed. I did talk to a therapist who isn't a ND specialist and she basically said there really wouldn't be a point to getting an official diagnosis, because the therapies available would be of the type that are too rudimentary for someone like me who is already an adult. I had to figure things out the hard way, through traumatizing trial and error, about what NTs will react violently to, but that's in the past. I already know now. I hear a lot about young children now being diagnosed, and it's received and relayed as a disaster, like the child has fallen terribly ill, but these kids are also of the non-interactive, non-verbal, can't-mask variety of NDs. ADHD is caught by teachers very well, apparently, and the children are medicated and given therapy as much as the parents can afford. We did have a very popular K-drama, about a ND genius attorney. I don't watch TV of any country very much so I didn't watch that, but a friend did and she thought it was too idealized and silly. The prejudices and oppression against people who seem odd or are disabled or can't fit in in Korea are about what you'd see anywhere else in the developed world, I think.

The "don't look at other idols" thing is something I've seen Lee Know allude to (though not as directly) from Stray Kids and though my sample is just two, given how differently they're styled and marketed from Ateez, I have come to assume and extrapolate that all boy Idols say this to their fans. I've written elsewhere about the economics of boybands that I've learned from books on the industry, but for the tldr: the boybands survive on financial engagement from their specific fandoms, girlbands go for more 'mass' appeal. It's imperative for a boyband to have the continued attention and loyalty of their fandom audience to survive through the next 'comeback.' They have to say that, and pray that the fandom stay with them.

Hongjoong - I don't currently expect to write about HongJoong. HAHAHA LAUGHING AT MY SELF HEEHEEE HAAAA. I mean. I never thought I'd write about Mingi and then I was live blogging his Lives minute by minute. I did not intend to write THREE separate giant posts about Yeosang, but I did. I'm currently thinking about Yunho a lot.

But (oh here we go, you've gotten me started).

Hongjoong has this Feral Demon Line Participant x Napoleon Complex to the max x Killjoy School Marm x Wants to Make It Worse x I'm The Dictator Father x I'm the Baby x My Work Wife Dominates Me While Pretending Not To x Insane Ball of Creative Energy That Goes Big Every Time x Is the kindest, mildest, weepiest, sweet, sheltered virgin (not literally but you know what I mean) x I Am A Jealous Boyfriend of Atiny / I'm Not Locked In Here With Them, Atiny Is Locked in Here With Me x Milions Love Me x My One Friend In the World is Park Seonghwa situation happening. AND I also read him as being ND, as someone who is figuring out how to be a person and a leader as he goes, where the strengths of being ND in the ways I recognize and the weaknesses too are very illuminating to me.

So even though I don't plan to, I probably will at some point write about Hong Joong. If there's a topic or aspect or some content you (you, just you, Hongjoong Verdad Anon) would like me to add to me 'to be written' roster, I'd gladly take it on.

#first real hongjoong ask #hongjoong verdad anon #ateez meta #hongjoong meta #ateez ask #kpop meta #kpop ask #hongjoong #ateez hongjoong

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r473n · 5 months ago

Text

New KenMayu just dropped!

Kenchan x Mayuri AU modern world.

Gift for @toxictaicho and @srtruth 💜

Zaraki is a retired army guy finding it very hard to balance his internalised homophobia and the fact he is falling in love with a dude.

Mayuri is a neurosurgeon with no interest and no time to waste on a relationship, certainly not with that idiot man that keeps appearing everywhere he goes!

Fluffy, smutty, self-indulgent mess.

Mayuri's transness plays a pivotal role in this fic - I normally only mention it casually as another adjective that describes him - and there are going to be some uncomfortable conversations around transphobia and homophobia. But this is fiction, so I get to make it all end up happily, yay!

Link to ao3

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Will he, won't he

Chapter Text

He strode briskly along the sterile, white, hospital corridors. The clacking of his Louboutin oxfords echoing angrily in the quietness that surrounded him.

This better be fucking good, he thought, or they are getting shouted at until morning.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi hated the night shift. He had no problem staying awake - he’d frequently forget to sleep when he was engrossed in an exciting project - but he detested the lack of a rigid schedule and the constant interruptions, most of which were dull consultations that he wouldn’t deign to reply to in normal circumstances - when other, lesser clinicians were available.

He couldn’t really complain -though he frequently did - most of the residents were so utterly terrified of him that they rarely dared call him, unless the situation was dire.

He pushed through the big double doors of ER and was immediately hit with a cacophonous mayhem. People in blue and green scrubs rushing left and right, a patient whining somewhere, another one crying for their mommy - or morphine, he wasn’t too sure - some doctor shouting instructions that were all wrong... he shuddered. This was why he loathed coming to emergency care - there was too much noise and too much stupidity. When he was operating silence reigned, only his voice could be heard, and that was his idea of heaven.

His ears began ringing painfully. No matter how much he modified those damned cochlear implants they always failed him when there were too many sounds. He could feel the migraine approaching.

“Sir, it was me who put on the call.” Said a petite intern with big, puppy eyes. He looked so young Mayuri was tempted to ask him if his parents knew he was out at this hour. “I'm so, so sorry to bother you, sir, but Mr. Lemura already has a bleeding brain tumour.”

“Well, that would certainly explain why he is so bad at his job.” He said, massaging his temples. This was going to be a terrible night.

“Oh... I-I mean-“

“I know what you meant, idiot. Stop your babbling and give me the history.” He extended his hand, the moment the folder touched his fingers he wrenched it from the boy’s grip. “Where is the patient?”

“Oh, yes, sir! Over here!”

He skimmed through the clinical notes as he walked, trying to pay no mind to his surroundings. Nothing much for past illnesses apart from some mild liver issues, bloods showed high levels of alcohol - nothing atypical at this time of night. Reason for admit: blunt trauma to the head, suspected concussion... A drunken brawl? This asinine case was why this imbecil had woken him up?

“Here we are, sir” said the intern, holding open the partition curtains around one of the gurneys so he could walk through. The whole of the ER was compartmentalised, by drapes hanging from ceiling tracks, into small, almost identical sections that were only big enough to house a hospital bed, a table and a chair.

“Log in and find me his MRI” he muttered without looking up from the page.

“Yes, sir. I had it ready, here” placing the laptop he’d been carrying under his arm on the little overbed table, the young medic opened the tab with the results and stood as far away from Mayuri as he could whilst remaining polite.

Kurotsuchi leant closer to the computer screen and studied the 3D images for a few seconds. Ah, this is much better, he thought.

“Congratulations.” He mocked through a growing smile. “you’ve earned yourself some one-on-one time with the best surgeon in this hospital.” He turned to look at the patient and his grin faltered. The guy was in a terrible state. His face was a bloody pulp, his left arm was in a cast and his chest was covered in bandages that couldn’t hope to conceal the large haematomas spreading over his skin - which signalled many a broken rib. He looked like he’d been run over by a train, not punched by some hooligan.

Mayuri quickly flicked through the pages fearing some mistake. “This is the right patient?” he asked, frowning threateningly at the young doctor.

“Y-yes, sir... Is-is there a problem?” the poor boy’s face had quickly lost all colour. He anxiously tried to peek at the chart in Mayuri’s hands from a safe distance.

“Are you trying to tell me that this man’s injuries were caused in a fist fight?” He could feel his rage starting to bubble inside his chest. The stupid curtains did nothing to quieten the unbearable surrounding racket and now he had to deal with some inefficient anamnesis, or worse, a lying patient.

Ignoring the intern’s nervous stammering he turned his attention to the man again.

“I’ll let you in on a secret, Mr. Sato. I haven’t got the slightest interest in your life, your struggles, your health concerns nor what may have caused your lesions... But, unfortunately for the both of us, in order to do my job properly, and avoid any further senseless demotions, I need to know the truth!” He took a deep breath before he continued, trying to reign in his anger and hopefully improve his pounding headache. “Now, how did you get these wounds?”

The man looked at him with a wary expression, his swollen eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “I was beaten up by some guy.” He muttered as clearly as his broken jaw allowed.

“Some guy... one, single individual?” Mayuri prodded, incredulous.

“Yes! – ouch - Why the fuck would I lie ‘bout that?”

Mayuri knitted his brows - he had a point. Why would this pitiful ned lie about being beaten up by one man, if I were going to fib he’d probably excuse his loss behind some overused fabrication such as ‘there were too many to count’.

“I see.” He stroked his chin, still not fully convinced. “Well, regardless, you have a subdural haemorrhage that needs surgical correction. I will be performing the operation tonight. You can thank me later.”

“Wait, didn’t you say you’d been demoted? I don’t want you operating on me!” the man exclaimed anxiously, wincing in pain.

“I’m terribly sorry I gave you the impression that I care... Patients don’t choose their clinicians in this hospital, which is lucky for you, because you clearly make bad decisions for a living.” he sneered, then handing the intern the file he instructed “I want everything signed and him ready in an hour.”

“Yes, sir.”

Mayuri exited the small area with a dramatic flourish that left the curtains billowing behind him. Perhaps all wasn’t lost, the surgery was simple enough for him, but it meant he likely wouldn’t be bothered again for the rest of the night.

“Mr. Kurotsuchi! How good it is to see you down here!”

A cold chill ran down his spine. That sickly sweet voice always made the hairs at the back of his neck stand on end.

“I was on my way out.” He announced, not looking at his interlocutor, hoping that would cut any further conversation at the root.

“Ah, of course, you’re such a busy man.” Dr. Unohana continued in a patronising tone, gazing at him with her infuriatingly calm expression.

Dr Retsu Unohana was the head of ER and one of the longest standing doctors in the hospital, which, despite her young appearance, made her into a mother figure for most newbies. They all flocked around her like ducklings afraid to get drowned by the current. She was an institution. He would never admit it, but Mayuri considered her one of the most brilliant clinicians he’d ever met. She wasn’t on his level, of course, but she was too close for comfort.

“I was wondering if I could borrow your expertise a little longer. It’s not every day that we are blessed with such a prodigious mind around here.” She said, smiling politely. She had a way to make Mayuri feel small and provoked with each vacuous compliment.

“I’m afraid I can’t. I have to prepare for surgery.” He said curtly, examining his fingernails.

“How exciting! Luckily this will only take a minute.” She pierced him with her icy stare until his will crumbled and with a derisive snort, he admitted defeat. She was a stubborn woman, she’d argue until morning, it was probably best to just go with it than try to escape her passive-aggressive coercion.

Still wearing that maddeningly benign smile, she lead the way and he followed.

“I must admit this probably won’t be as exciting as your usual cases, but I need a neurologist to double check that my patient’s cranial reflexes are intact, before I discharge him.” She casually explained as she walked uncharacteristically slowly.

Mayuri hummed in response. She was more than capable of performing a basic neurological exam, she didn’t need him to double check anything. What was she up to?

“Here we are,” she announced merrily, opening the curtains to a slightly larger cubicle. Mayuri’s mouth fell open. Sitting on the edge of the bed was the most bestial looking man he’d ever seen. His size alone was extremely intimidating, even without the blood stains over his hands and shirt. Mayuri noticed he had an old scar that ran down the side of his face and seemed to have damaged his left eye, and wondered what could have caused it. “Mr. Zaraki here has suffered blunt trauma to his skull, from a hard object, I believe it to be a pool cue?”

The man in question assented with a gruff grunt and Mayuri immediately felt a pleasurable thrill run down his spine. Oh, why is my body such a slut, he thought.

“I'm fine. I told you already, woman. No need to go wasting other people’s time!” The man stood up aggressively, his enormous frame casting a large shadow over the two clinicians. Mayuri's heart rate skyrocketed, he couldn’t tell if the sudden rush of adrenaline was due to exhilaration or apprehension, or perhaps a mixture of the two.

He glanced at Unohana out of the corner of his eye, she seemed as tranquil as if she were sitting by the seashore.

“I'm afraid your injuries might be more serious than you hope, Mr. Zaraki, and since you won’t consent to any imaging, we have to take a more traditional approach.” She explained in a sympathetic, mellow tone that felt completely out of place. “You should sit down.”

“I sai-“ the giant tried to argue, but was immediately cut off.

“You should sit down.” The second time she spoke there was no room for interpretation, she might have omitted ‘or else’ but it was certainly implicit. Her voice had turned steely so drastically that the temperature of the room seemed to drop by at least 10 degrees.

Despite her big, round eyes - that spoke of a demure innocence - and her small stature, there was a dark side to Unohana that seeped out like poisonous fumes from time to time. It was a calm, calculated type of assertiveness that was somehow so terrifying it triggered an innate flight response. She never needed to get angry, her aura was threatening enough for anyone to contradict her.

Zaraki must have felt the shift too because without further protest he did as he was told and sat back down, eyeing her cautiously.

There was a long, awkward silence before Mayuri realised that was his cue to move.

Gulping, a bit uneasy, he approached the mountainous man and sat on a chair in front of him. Even hunched over, Zaraki still appeared massive, his shoulders were almost twice as broad as Mayuri’s and his long, black hair fell limply, framing the sides of his face and giving him an even more savage look.

Mayuri forced himself to focus and proceeded to quietly examine him. A few abrasions on his powerful knuckles, a couple of bruises starting to form over his vast, muscular chest, a split on his lower lip... he examined his reflexes and cranial nerves and found no abnormalities. He was about to announce this when he realised...

“You are the perpetrator?” He exclaimed with no small amount of shock in his voice.

“Eh?” Zaraki was staring at him with an vacant expression, his mouth agape.

“Perhaps my assessment is wrong and you do have concussion.” He said testily. He suddenly felt much more comfortable around him now that he’d realised he was stupid. “Are you the man who beat up my patient? Were you in a bar fight? Is that how you got hit on the head?” he questioned, knocking lightly on his own temple.

“What are you? the fucking police?” Zaraki deflected with a hoarse, cutting tone that sent another shiver flying through Mayuri’s body.

“No...” He smirked. “I was merely wondering what kind of wild animal could have caused injuries such as my patient’s. It's nice to satisfy one's curiosity.”

Zaraki gave him a lopsided smile. “Well, he got it coming.”

“How so?” he leaned closer, catching a whiff of the guy’s intoxicating, manly scent.

“Called my friend a faggot.”

“I see...” Mayuri squirmed, reclining back in his chair. With a huge bully like this, chances were he was just a homophobe trying to defend another homophobe from being called a homophobic slur by yet another homophobe. He needed to tread lightly. Not that he was scared, but he’d been assaulted enough times in his life for being queer. It was getting tiresome.

“He seemed not too happy that my friends were kissing, so I went to see what the fuck was his problem.” Zaraki explained offhandedly with a cheeky smile. “He thought it was smart to talk to me like shit and call my friend that... so I rearranged his face with my fists.”

Mayuri felt a little flutter of hope in his chest.

“Your friends were kissing?” he heard himself ask eagerly, not even sure why he was so interested.

“Yeah. I know it wasn’t a gay bar but why the fuck can they not kiss wherever the fuck they want? They ain’t hurting anyone, right?

“Indeed.”

“They've got a right to do it just like normal people”

“Right...” he had been holding his breath all this time, waiting for the inevitable confirmation of his suspicion, and here it was. It would have been too good to be true.

“Shit, I didn't mean that.” Zaraki flinched, looking embarrassed and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Not that they aren't normal, they are. I meant that they should have the same rights as non lgb...gqp...ib people.”

“I believe you may have forgotten a few letters.” Mayuri quipped sarcastically, which clearly flew over the other man’s head.

“Oh... sorry.” Zaraki looked to the side and frowned, as if trying to remember the right acronym.

“Anyway, as riveting as the tales of your honourable conquest might be, I am a very busy man... If you excuse me.” He stood up, taking his gloves off with a loud snap. “I’ll ready your discharge papers and then you may go, Mr... Zaraki.”

“Oh, yeah? is that- don’t you need to do any more tests?”

The way he was looking at Mayuri was interesting, he seemed almost disappointed... or so Mayuri would have believed if it weren’t because, mere minutes before, he had been extremely keen to leave without even a check up.

“No need. I'm extremely good at my job, I can assure you. You’re fine to go home.”

Giving the man a last appraising glance, he exited the little booth, not missing Unohana’s self-satisfied, tiny smirk.

That was indeed an very odd interaction. Why had she called him to perform such a basic check and why was he feeling so flustered all of a sudden?

His ponderings were interrupted when a very pretty twink, with died eyebrows and a fashionable haircut approached him wearing a worried look.

“Excuse me, my name is Yumichika Ayasegawa. Are you Kenpachi’s doctor? Would you be able to tell me if he’s going to be alright?”

“Are you family?” he looked the man up and down.

“No, we’re friends.”

“I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge such information, then.”

A second man, bald and tall, with brightly coloured eyeshadow came towards them, awkwardly carrying three takeaway coffee cups.

“He doesn’t have any family, we’re his emergency contacts, doesn’t that count?” he asked quite aggressively.

“No.” Mayuri replied, chagrined at his tone. “Patient confidentiality is of paramount importance to me.” He lied, revelling in the man’s increasingly angry scowl. “I'm afraid if you want information you’ll have to follow the official channels, like everyone else.” He turned around and immediately walked away before they could harass him with any more annoying questions.

#bleach #bleach fanfiction #mayuri kurotsuchi #kenpachi zaraki #kenmayu #bleach au

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commanderbuffy · 2 years ago

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Sapphic Books Reccs

Here is my list of recommended sapphic books! There’s a lot of YA here since that’s a lot of what I read. Everything on this list I have personally read and can recommend. I’m sure there’s a TON out there I haven’t read or ones I have read and have just forgotten!

Contemporary

Astrid Parker Doesn’t Fail by Ashley Herring Blake (Adult)

My favorite of Blake’s! Enemies to lovers. SO good.

Delilah Green Doesn’t Care by Ashley Herring Blake (Adult)

A woman falls for her step-sister’s best friend. Oh, and there’s a kiddo in the mix as well.

The Falling in Love Montage by Ciara Smyth (YA)

Two girls promise a summer of fun full of rom-com worthy dates. The only rule, no relationships. Just one summer, nothing more. Sure....

Forget Me Not by Alyson Derrick (YA)

Amnesia fic where a girl forgets she ever met her secret girlfriend in their ultra-conservative town.

Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating by Adiba Jaigirdar (YA)

Fake dating between the girl who wants to validate her bisexuality to her friends and the girl who doesn’t mind the popularity boost.

Her Name in the Sky by Kelly Quindlen (YA)

Best friends to lovers! A big piece of this is also the friend group involved.

Imogen, Obviously by Becky Albertalli (YA)

Imogen thinks she’s just an Ally. Spoiler alert: she’s not. I loved the way friendship was explored in this. You see some really solid friendships as well as a subtly toxic one (that’s acknowledged as such).

Late to the Party by Kelly Quindlen (YA)

An ode to late bloomers and a journey to self-acceptance. A girl goes to her first party, befriends a gay guy who introduces her to new group of friends and one really cute girl

Margo Zimmerman Gets the Girl by Brianna Shrum and Sara Waxelbaum (YA)

Super fun involving a girl asking another girl fo “Queer 101″ lessons. Bi and Autistic rep too!

Perfect on Paper by Sophie Gonzales (YA)

A girl gives anonymous love advice and gets hired by a hot guy to help him get his ex back. Really FANTASTIC bi rep!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston (Adult)

A sexy time-bendy romance with so much heart

She Drives Me Crazy by Kelly Quindlen (YA)

My FAVORITE rom-com. I reread it constantly. Fake dating, enemies-to-lovers between the cheer captain and basketball star!!

She Gets the Girl by Rachael Lippincott and Alyson Derrick (YA)

Two girl team up to get their crushes to fall for them and start developing feelings for each other along the way.

Six Times We Almost Kissed by Tess Sharpe (YA)

Childhood frenemies forced to move in together for their best friend moms’ sake. Trauma filled and SO SO good.

Some Girls Do by Jennifer Dugan (YA)

A fun rom-com between an out queer athlete and the local beauty pageant queen.

We Are Okay by Nina LaCour (YA)

One of my favorite books of all time. A story about grief and friendship and love. A soft, quiet story.

Who I Was With Her by Nita Tyndall (YA)

A girl’s secret girlfriend dies and she is left to grieve alone until she finds herself turning to her girlfriend’s ex.

Science Fiction/Fantasy

Crier’s War by Nina Varela (YA)

A romance that leads to revolution by between two girls: one human, one Made

The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow (Adult)

This is historical and fantasy! Suffragette witches! Another one of those books I wish I could read again for the first time. Three sisters, one of them has a WLW romance

Thriller/Horror

Hide by Kiersten White (Adult)

A high-stakes hide and seek competition in an abandoned amusement park. One of my all-over favorite books of 2022.

House of Hollow by Krystal Sutherland (YA)

No wlw romance in this one, but the main character and her sister are both wlw. My absolute favorite book of 2021. What I would pay to read this for the first time again.

The Girls I’ve Been by Tess Sharpe (YA)

The daughter of a con artist is finally allowed to stop running and faking her identity, only to get stuck in a bank heist with her ex-boyfriend and current girlfriend.

Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand (YA)

Three girls who shouldn’t have a reason to team up together against an ancient evil. The new girl, the pariah, and the queen bee who’s been helping the evil all along. I have reread this book easy a dozen times.

Throwaway Girls by Andrea Contos (YA)

When a girl goes searching for her missing best friend, she finds a trail of other missing girls and battles with heartbreak after her girlfriend leaves her for California.

Wilder Girls by Rory Power (YA)

Quarantined at her girl’s school after a gruseome Tox breaks out, a girl must find what happened to her best friend who’s gone missing

Historical

Great or Nothing by Joy McCullough, Caroline Tung Richmond, Tess Sharpe, and Jessica Spotswood (YA)

The queer Little Women retelling we all deserve with a SAPPHIC JO! Set in 1942. Beth’s POV still haunts my heart

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray (YA)

Two of the major supporting characters are WLW. This becomes more important and on the page in the later books in this series, but this is the first one.

Music from Another World by Robin Talley (YA)

1970s California. Two girls become penpals and bond over music.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid (Adult)

Hollywood icon Evelyn Hugo famously had seven husbands. This is the story of her wife.

#sapphic books #wlw books #Book Recommendations #book reccs #book list

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chiyokoemilia · 46 minutes ago

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chapters of us | prologue

pairing - architect/carpenter gojo satoru x bookstore owner reader

summary. your love life is as quiet as the shelves of your bookstore. seeking a change, you sign up for a dating app and become captivated by a picture-less/nameless profile—belonging to none other than gojo satoru, a charming architect with a complicated past. your online connection sparks with undeniable chemistry, but you remain unaware that the man you’re drawn to is also your neighbor next door. when he unexpectedly walks into your cozy bookstore, your world shifts. as you navigate feelings for both the mystery man online and the neighbor who feels like a heartbeat away, hidden truths loom over you. can love blossom amid secrets, or will the shadows of your pasts eclipse your stories before it even begins?

word count – 2.26k (i know, it’s really short!)

fic warnings. contains explicit sexual content, guy-next-door, romantic tension, rough sex, age difference (gojo is 32, reader 23), themes of self-doubt, angst, insecurities, heartbreak, and emotional trauma. complicated relationship/pining, alcohol use.

a/n: hi lovebirds! thank you for stumbling across this small liddol corner of the internet. if you couldn’t already tell, i’m sickly obsessed with the man that is gojo satoru and i am unapologetically shameless in that devotion. moving on [...] this just so happens to be my very first fic in years. the last book i wrote was a fictional story in middle school inside a beat-up dollar-store notebook. i recall the feeling of joy running up to my english teacher with a huge smile on my face, sharing with the world how i wrote my very first book. i also remember rummaging through boxes in the storage closet of my garage; I found that very same notebook years later – laughing and cringing at my own writing. although that book is long gone, i hope to find the same joy i found in writing as i did then. and while i cannot guarantee my skills have improved much since, i cannot help but hope you can all find some joy in my work too. here is to new beginnings!! ♡ (author's note continued at the end)

series masterlist | next chapter ->

FLIGHT FROM GERMANY TO JAPAN June 28, 2014 [2 Months Ago]

The cabin is a sea of muted conversations, the quiet clink of glasses, and the steady hum of the engine. Beneath the thin layer of noise, the world outside is nothing but a gray blur, the clouds shifting beneath you like cotton in a needle.

You trace the outline of your boarding pass with the tip of your finger, a subconscious motion that holds more weight than it should. The ink is smudged from where you gripped it too tightly lost in the chaos of your thoughts. Tokyo, Japan. The name seems foreign, yet it carries the weight of all the unanswered questions you’ve been holding within.

But there’s no hope in your chest, no excitement like you’re supposed to feel. Only the hollow thud of your heart against your ribcage, a constant reminder that you’re running.

You should be scared, but fear is something you’ve grown numb to. Fear of the unknown, fear of starting over, fear of facing what you left behind in Germany. It’s easier to let that weight slip down into your stomach and ignore it—at least for now.

Germany had been suffocating. The sterile white of the hospital halls, the incessant beeping of monitors that had once been a comfort but now only reminded you of how long you’d been there. The months that bled into years of quiet waiting, hoping for something that never came. And then there was the betrayal. The friend you had leaned on, the person you trusted who broke you in a way you never saw coming.

You exhale slowly, pushing the thoughts aside, willing the ache to retreat into the hollow space that has become your chest.

Tokyo. New city. New start. You tell yourself that over and over, even though you’re not sure you believe it.

The plane is filled with strangers, none of them more than temporary. You’d resigned yourself to the endless parade of unfamiliar faces, the kind of transient connections that fill the spaces between real ones. You hadn’t expected the woman in 14A to change that.

She sits beside you, her eyes soft but piercing, like she can see right through the layers of distraction you’ve woven around yourself. Her breath is laced with mint, and it almost makes you smile, but you don’t. She leans in slightly, her voice warm, coaxing the air out of your lungs.

“You know,” she begins, her eyes locking onto yours, “sometimes life doesn’t give us what we want because it’s leading us to what we need.”

The words settle into the space between you, uninvited but present.

You don’t know why she says it.

Maybe she’s just trying to fill the silence, or maybe it’s something more.

You don’t respond right away. She keeps talking, as if she can’t feel the distance between you, as if she doesn’t see the armor you’ve draped over yourself.

“Have you ever been to Tokyo?” she asks, her voice shifting in a gentle pitch as if asking about the weather.

“No,” you say, a simple answer, but it feels like too much.

No, I’ve never been. I’ve never had the luxury of going.

Your thoughts are spiraling, but you don’t say any of that.

Not to her.

The plane continues its descent. The world outside the window is fading—Germany swallowed by the clouds and long forgotten, leaving only the unknown in its wake.

Tokyo is closer now, realer somehow, and the weight of it presses down on you.

“Tokyo’s a funny place,” the woman continues, her voice still loud in the near-empty row. “My daughter's husband always says the city feels like it’s meant to reset you. Like it washes away all the bad stuff.”

You wish you could believe her.

You wish you could buy into the idea of a clean slate, the notion that Tokyo could simply erase what’s behind you.

But you know better.

A part of you wonders if anything will ever truly cleanse you.

You look out the window, the faint outline of Tokyo’s skyline emerging from the fog.

There it is—your “fresh start." Your “new beginning.”

But deep down, you can’t shake the nagging thought: Is this really what I need? Or am I just running from what I’ll never be able to outrun?

The plane bumps as it touches the runway, the wheels screeching against the tarmac, and you snap back to the moment.

This is it. You’re here.

The woman continues, unaware of your inner turmoil. “They say it’s a city of second chances.”

You don’t answer. You’re already thinking of your own messy life, and the thought of second chances? It seems nothing short of unattainable.

The woman sighs, content with her unsolicited advice.

You let her words drift in one ear and out the other.

I'm not here to hear about "second chances."

You’re here to escape.

To run from the weight of what you can’t outrun.

She’s still talking when the seatbelt sign dings, the jarring sound reminding you that you have arrived.

The wheels continue to squeal against the runway, and the plane slows, the steady hum of the engines finally coming to an end. The air in the cabin shifts—there’s a soft exhale from everyone on the plane – a collective release – as if the flight itself had been a slow, drawn-out exhalation of everything they’d been holding inside.

But for you? You share no such sentiment. There is no relief in your body.

Just a tight knot in your chest, a mix of anticipation and dread that’s been building up for as long as you can remember.

The woman in 14A is still talking, her voice rising over the thrum of the plane coming to a halt.

You can’t even focus on her anymore. Not with the overwhelming noise inside your own head. Your fingers grip the armrest, the cold plastic biting into your skin, grounding you.

It’s not that you don’t want to hear her.

She’s kind, her presence is even comforting.. in some way.

But you can’t stop thinking about what you’re running from.

Back home, you had been chained to the hospital for so long that the outside world felt like a distant illusion.

You shift in your seat, eyes flicking to the window as the airport draws closer. It feels like a dream you’re not ready to wake up from. There’s an odd sense of unreality that settles over you as the city comes into focus. It almost feels strange to explore beyond the world you had always known.

It’s bright and bustling— nothing like the quiet halls and the incessant ticking of hospital clocks.

But how long will that excitement last?

How long will it take before the weight of your past catches up with you?

The woman in 14A seems to sense the shift in your mood. Her voice softens, as though she’s able to see through the internal war in your head.

“You’re running from something, aren’t you?” she asks, gentle words, but sharp enough to pierce through your distracted mind.

You freeze for a moment. Your throat tightens.

She doesn’t know. She can’t know. But somehow, it feels like she does.

You don’t answer. You can’t.

Instead, you turn away, fumbling with your bag, your eyes darting between the window and your lap, anything to avoid the weight of her gaze. But she doesn’t push. She doesn’t demand a confession. She simply waits, her presence a quiet understanding.

The plane finally comes to a full stop, the engines winding down to a soft whirr, and the seatbelt sign flashes on. Your pulse quickens, your heartbeat a steady drum in your ears as the final leg of this journey begins.

Bu-dump, Bu-dump, Bu-dump.

You gather your things mechanically, the weight of your bag too familiar, too burdensome. You stand when the seatbelt sign clicks off, trying to ignore the slight tremor in your hands.

You step into the aisle, the woman in 14A watching you go with a knowing smile tugging at the corners of her lips. You don’t know why, but you feel like she’s seeing something you don’t want to be seen. It unsettles you more than you care to admit.

Tokyo awaits beyond the cabin doors, the city alive with promise. You can feel it in the way the air shifts, the hum of activity waiting for you to dive into it. You have no idea what you’re going to find here. No clue how long it will take to forget the whispers of your past or how long you’ll have before the scars start to show again. You don’t know what you’re hoping for anymore—only that it’s time to move forward into whatever comes next.

ᡣ𐭩 ࣪ ˖⊹ 𝜗𝜚 ࣪𝄞 𝜗𝜚 ⊹˖ ࣪ ᡣ𐭩

The moment you step off the plane, everything is different. There’s no turning back now. You feel it—the tug of the unknown, the weight of all that’s behind you, pressing against your back.

A new city. A new life. But no matter what, you can't shake the feeling in your heart: that nothing feels like it's enough.

You take a deep breath as you step into the crowded terminal, the buzz of voices and the endless flow of bodies a stark contrast to the quiet isolation of the flight. You feel small, almost invisible, a speck in the vast sea of faces.

You continue trudging forward, like you're walking through a fog, each step heavier than the last. The terminal stretches out like a never-ending tunnel. The blur of voices and the mechanical beep of the passport machine melt into a dull hum, and you can barely keep your focus as you reach the scanning station.

You swipe your passport through the machine and it flashes red. The machine’s shrill beep rings in your ears, like some cruel reminder of how your life is met with nothing but obstacles.

A uniformed officer approaches, his eyes cold, unreadable.

"Miss, I’ll need you to come with me,” he says, his tone matter-of-fact, as he motions toward a small room.

Of course. How wonderful.

You nod, your throat dry as dust, not trusting yourself to speak.

You follow him into the quiet room, where he gently places your bag on a table. The metallic click of the zipper fills the space as he opens it, his hands methodically searching through your belongings. Your personal items—nothing special, just the usual mess—are strewn across the table. The fraying notebook, your thick scarf that still smells like the hospital, and that keychain that reminds you of your happiest memory. You can’t help but feel the heat rising to your face when he pulls out a hello-kitty tampon, then your old hoodie— the one you couldn’t bear to leave behind, even if it’s more of a comfort thing than anything else now. It’s embarrassing, but you keep your mouth shut.

"A holiday?" he asks, glancing at you briefly, eyes still focused on your bag.

"No," you stammer, your voice barely a whisper as your fingers curl tightly around your sides.

"Business then?" he presses, his gloved hands pulling out a crumpled receipt from a café you don't even remember visiting.

"No," you reply again, feeling the exhaustion pull at you. "Just... no." You rub your forehead, fighting back the incoming headache and a flood of emotions that threatens to spill over.

"Not business," he repeats, "Well, then, what is it, miss?"

You swallow hard, the lump in your throat refusing to go down.

The weight of his gaze feels like it’s tearing through you, and for a moment, you want to hide, to curl up into a ball and disappear.

But you can’t. You won’t.

"My mother passed away," you finally manage, the words tasting bitter on your tongue.

For a moment, the officer stills, his fingers hovering over a sweater. He looks up at you then—really looks at you—and there’s a brief shift in his expression, almost imperceptible, but it’s there. Something in his gaze softens, just for a second.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he says, his voice lowering in a rare note of sympathy. The sincerity in his tone catches you off guard, almost making you want to crumble in front of him. It's strange how something so small—a kindness, a flicker of empathy—can pierce through the numbness, even for a moment.

He hands your passport back to you, then nods toward the door. "You're all set. Welcome to Tokyo."

You’re too dazed to respond, your head spinning. Your body feels like it’s on autopilot as he leads you out of the room and toward the exit. The cool air in the terminal is a stark contrast to the suffocating weight of grief, and you breathe deeply, trying to steady yourself.

When you reach baggage claim, you spot your bags circling around carousel three. You take a deep breath, picking up your two suitcases, the familiar weight of them strangely grounding.

Outside, a taxi waits. The driver doesn’t ask questions as he opens the door for you, only giving you a simple nod. You step inside, grateful for the quiet moment, the solitude of the ride.

“Where to?” he asks, his voice a gentle rumble, still distant but polite.

"Jinbōchō," you say, barely above a whisper, your mind far away from the words you’re speaking.

He nods, sliding your bags into the trunk without a word.

Next thing you know, you’re off, the city lights blurring past in a mix of color and motion.

“Coming back home?” he asks after a while, breaking the silence.

Home?

You exhale slowly, trying to make sense of the question.

What is home anymore?

Your mind drifts, the past and present colliding in a haze.

"Sort of," you murmur, the words escaping before you can stop them.

You’re not sure if it’s the truth.

But for now, it’s all you have.

ᡣ𐭩 ࣪ ˖⊹ 𝜗𝜚 ࣪𝄞 𝜗𝜚 ⊹˖ ࣪ ᡣ𐭩

Raindrops race down the car window, each one stubbornly fighting to stick to the glass. You close your eyes, and the exhaustion from the trip hits you like a wave, pulling you under.

The second your eyes slip shut, memories come rushing back. She’s there—your mom.

You can almost smell the flour and feel the warmth of the kitchen. It’s a lazy Saturday morning, and you’re nine years old, helping her bake while she hums some old song, twirling around with a smile on her face.

It’s one of those memories you’ve kept locked away for years, like a little piece of happiness you’re scared to lose—one that slips further out of reach every day.

You remember how bad it hurt when she left.

Dad tried his best, but nothing could fill that hole she left behind. Nothing could take her place.

You ended up burying yourself in books, getting lost in stories that felt safer than the real world—stories that numbed the pain, even if it's only for a little while.

By the time you were in college, the library had become your second home. You’d spend hours wandering the aisles, soaking up the smell of old books and worn-out pages. It was quiet, safe—like nothing bad could touch you there. It was easier to drown in fiction than to face a world where everything had felt so messed up and broken.

But one morning, without warning, everything changed.

ᡣ𐭩 ࣪ ˖⊹ 𝜗𝜚 ࣪𝄞 𝜗𝜚 ⊹˖ ࣪ ᡣ𐭩

series masterlist | next chapter ->

author's note: well, hello there! thank you for making it to the end of this little teaser to chapters of us. this is meant to be a little prologue. as excited as i was to get right into reader’s fated meeting with gojo, i truly wanted to take my time to establish the scene for the story, a small look into her universe - setting the stage for what is to come. i wanted to write more and im sure you could hardly call this a prologue, but it’s been sitting in my drafts for weeks & its giving me something of a headache just looking at it. is this perhaps.. the fated writers block?! i digress. i thought this was enough of a delay so ill simply share what i have now and write more as i go. i'm truly excited for this story. i have so many plot twists, romance + angst planned but i've honestly been procrastinating getting this out and doubting my work. it's always been a dream of mine to become an author, but for now i'm simply going to enjoy this little hobby of mine and hopefully make some new friends along the way. what are your thoughts so far? can't wait to hear them!

ᰔ taglist: — @madamechrissy @berrylovesmegumiiii @introvertatitsfinest @dark-agate @cheezitcracker @frozenmallows @berrychaivibe @lovelyjkook @seternic @dazailover1900 @jotarohat @httpstoyosi @satorurize @myahfig4 @teatimebeliever @alula394 @flowerpot113 @harryzcherry @emochosoluvr @sylustoru @daydreamingastronauts @winniethepooh-lover @gojoscumslut @achildofaphrodite @sorenflyinn @xixflower @altgojo @moncher-ire @nappingmoon @nanasukii28 @sherrieblossoms @celineko20 @averyjadedemerald @sleepyyammy @fisusaurus (open!)

if you want to be added to the taglist, comment here :) <3

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doomspiral · 1 year ago

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Doom's Movie Rec List

Some of these are bangers, some of these are the worst thing I have ever seen in my life, but I think they are all worth watching and enjoying one way or another. Sometimes the enjoyment is cringe and sometimes its staring at a wall for three hours. <3

The seventh seal (1957)

Classic chess game with Death film, I presume the entire thing is Bergman staring into the soul of the viewer in dead silence until you can read his mind.

The cabinet of Dr. Caligary (1920)

Strange, lurching, I watched this in German without knowing enough to keep up and I believe my confusion added to the experience.

Atomic blonde (2017)

This is my favorite movie. This is the one that I can't stop rewriting in my fics. I can't get the "lies" soliloquy out of my mind. My soul is tied to this fillum. Hot insane woman does a lot of violence, kisses women, beats up a guy who truly deserves it. Iron Curtain Spy Nonsense.

Hackers (1994)

Am I depressing you? Good, watch Hackers to experience child-like wonder and also see a grown man skateboard down a foggy street in the middle of the night to harass the homosexual teenagers (and slim shady) he's beefing with.

The core (2003)

This is not a good movie. But there is a little freak in there named "Rat" who I am obsessed with.

Angel's egg (1985)

This is the kind of movie where you have to not try to figure out what's going on and instead let it take you by the hands, just experience it, just keep your mouth shut and your mind at rest and you can consider the implications afterward when its safe.

Princess mononoke (1997)

I watched this as a child and saw those beasts dissolve into bloody worms and apparently that left a lasting mark on my brain.

Nausicaä of the valley of wind (1984)

I actually read the manga for this one but this is a movie rec list, so please go watch this for the death and rebirth vibes, and some mild foeyay yuri.

Invasion of the body snatchers (1978)

Horror movie that's odd and disturbing and clearly betraying some better dead than red fears, worth it for the horrible despicable freakish noise the guy makes at the end while pointing at the viewer.

Strange days (1995)

Please read up on this before watching it, it revolves around a fictional, then-futuristic critique of the adult film industry, HEAVY focus on the capitalistic dehumanization and devaluing of human life.

Underworld (2003)

Bad asses in leather fighting monsters. Core memory.

Blade (1998)

Bad asses in leather fighting monsters but maybe you need a break from how white this whole movie list is overall. That's okay, I see you, this vampire flick fucks severe.

Fright night (1985, 2011)

The first movie is pretty campy (fun) but the remake dug into my actual stressors and fears and scared the lights from my eyes for a day or two. Welcome... to FrrrighT NighT.

Dracula (1931, 1992)

First movie is a classic, this is thee one with the guy crawling around like a lizard and there's armadillos for no reason. The 90's version has no business being as deranged as it is and for this it is a core personality trait movie.

Fast&furious: Tokyo drift (2006)

Not sure I would say this is peak cinema but it's a racing movie that falls in line with the F&F tradition of being clearly in love with the entire premise, location, and cast. Rent free.

Drive (2011)

I like this movie because it is not about the guy getting the girl, it is about doing the right thing every single time because that's what it takes to be a real human bean. being. whichever. I was so obnoxious about this movie when I watched it with my now-ex gf that I wish I could siphon the memory of it out of her brain, because I kept pointing at actors I knew.

Green room (2015)

This is the best punk parable I can think of. Litany against not reading the room, litany against being the hero when there's no one to save, litany against thinking shared trauma is gonna get you any pussy.

Lords of chaos (2018)

I'm obsessed with the band Mayhem there is no other explanation.

There will be blood (2007)

WILD WEST TOXIC YAOI. I'm not apologizing for this summary and I'm not elaborating.

Butch Cassidy and the sundance kid (1969)

I don't know. I watched this in the wee hours of the morning with my best friend and actually cried about it. Doomed criminals and a famous final stand.

Saw (2004)

I used to watch Saw movies when I lived in the trailer park while hiding from my family in a neighbor's place so I don't know if these movies are good or if I needed to watch tortureporn to relax bcs the roof leaked on my bed when it rained? But I think everyone should at least watch the first movie or how are you going to play any games?

Chernobyl diaries (2012)

I walked out of this movie shaking head to toe and couldn't think about anything else for months. I don't think I'd be as scared now but I can't say if that's because I'm not 16 anymore. Warning against going into a dangerous situation with a guy you met off Craigslist.

Constantine (2005)

Demon hoards, evil angels, catholic bullshit, 9/10.

The neverending story (1984)

Well after all that let's reinstate some whimsy into our souls again bcs this is the Jim Henson Power Hour. This one is just a solid entry point into "puppets are fun and practical effects are my best friend".

The dark crystal (1982)

My babysitters put this on for me as a bed-time story when I was five (5) years old and I do not believe I slept, I think they regretted this and had to tell my parents what they did. But now I will never stop making Skeksis noises at people I love.

Labyrinth (1986)

Y'know the phenomenon of alt teens and preteens dating young adult men who are total and complete losers, including actual band members? It's not that this pre-dates any of that, but I believe it does a good job representing it through the lens of a modern fairy tale. Like when you watch this you have to realize this is wish fulfillment for people who want to be Sarah because their age-gap goth boyfriend in the real world is a manipulative disappointment.

Pacific rim (2013)

Love letter to the mecha and kaiju genre(s). Makes no sense, compels me though.

Eurotrip (2004)

This is the movie "Scotty doesn't know" is from. Some high schoolers fuck off to Europe and have the most misadventure possible. It's somehow exactly the kind of cringe humor you would expect from the 00's without being cruel or overly disgusting. I used to watch a lot of really bad 00's comedies and this is a good one I promise. Scussie.

Hamlet (1996)

Personality point, I think this is the best version on film because the guy actually looks like how I envisioned Hamlet. Ignore your girl! Avenge your dad!

Advantageous (2015)

This movie goes in on the connection between race and class in a sci-fi future where you can change the former through predatory, dangerous cosmetic surgery.

Gravity (2013)

This is my go-to movie when I need to sob like a sick little baby. Space travel as a metaphor for motherhood, spaceships as the womb, scientists are the babies who left their babies back on earth. It's about what you give up in the name of fulfilling your human urge for the unknown.

All clear on the western front (2022)

Thee anti-war fillum. Very well done. I never recovered from one of the final scenes to the point I wrote a final paper on it. Without spoiling it, the Ending gave me the feeling of when you're a kid and you want to go play, but you're grounded and you fall asleep listening to your friends outside in the street. I hope this sentence ruins your life if you watch this movie.

Inglorious basterds (2009)

They lock some nazis in a theatre and set them on fire, good cinema.

Shadow dancer (2012)

Domhnall Gleeson in one of his classically pathetic twink roles but its about British imperial violence and Irish reactionary violence.

Logan (2017)

Good art film, a story about dementia, legacies, and why putting children in cages is fucking evil.

The batman (2022)

Weird art film, next question.

Joker (2019)

I do not care about the opinions of straight men who watch things uncritically, this is a good movie because of the depictions of poverty in the US. I don't believe this needed to be about the DC Joker this should have been a standalone art film about a mime.

Dragonheart (1996)

Medieval era dragon nonsense, I will never be convinced this is a bad movie.

Sleeping beauty (1959)

Personality trait was rooting for the dragon.

Snow dogs (2002)

I'm not defending this one it stands on its own, please watch this movie if you wanna see Cuba Gooding Jr. bite a husky's ear so it'll stop ruining his life.

Luck of the irish (2001)

This movie is genuinely so bad I have considered it some kind of hate crime since the day it came out, because I watched this the day it was a direct-to-TV movie. I think I was too young to feel insulted but I was deeply, deeply bemused.

Black swan (2010)

There is a woman inside her and she is trying to crash the plane. Can I get away with calling this foe-yay yuri also? I'm going to.

I, tonya (2017)

Sufjan Stevens' song "Tonya Harding in Eb major" makes me so unreasonably emotional, so one day I watched this movie and then the film of the 1988 Calgary Olympics in the living room while all of my housemates had to sneak around in the dark. This is just a solid movie about ambition, betrayal, abuse, tragedy, and having to get over it and move on because you're not dead yet.

Phantom of the opera (2004)

Whatever was going on in Labyrinth, this is the adult version. Weird man in a sewer possessing a soprano. I think there's some gender happening here but it gets a little lost under the love(?) triangle.

A knights tale (2001)

Just go watch some more medieval nonsense, it's good for you, its fun.

White chicks (2004)

I'm not defending this choice, it's a good movie. "You were thinking it" "Yeah but you said it" there are some phrases you could use to see if I had been replaced with a body double and this is one of them.

Heathers (1988)

Ouughhgh ough oh. Personality trait. Watched this because I kept listening to the musical soundtrack, love both but agree the themes are much tighter in the movie. This is just a fun schlock to tell teens life is stupid and difficult and bad things will happen, so don't abandon your friends.

Priscilla queen of the desert (1994)

Classic homo fillum, if you wonder why I write Gilbert Like That it's partially because of the mean little fruit from this movie. It's about the Aussie drag scene and who belongs in the queer community.

300 (2006)

I'm not sure that I would call this a "good" movie, but it's a classic as far as I'm concerned. This is the "THIS IS SPARTA" movie.

The foreigner (2017)

I actually don't remember the plot of this one too solidly but the suspense and action were solid, and I enjoyed the setup. Good for if you wanna be really pissed off for two hours.

Conan the barbarian (1982)

Look at me. Look into my eyes. You're going to watch this movie. You're going to think about the wheel of pain and you're going to go wow, this is so stupid. Don't look away I'm not done. You're going to watch this movie and then you're going to get a couple of paper towel tubes and find someone to beat the shit out of each other with the tubes.

Law abiding citizen (2009)

I don't know I think watching this movie changed my brain chemistry in very special ways. Guy fucking loses it and becomes a problem for his local community by kidnapping and torturing people who killed his family. Cathartic and vile.

Black dog (1998)

:D DO YOU WANNA WATCH AN ACTION MOVIE ABOUT AN 18-WHEELER?

The hunt for red october (1990)

Almost forgot this one. Lithuanian Submariner off the shits, goes rogue, I'm not sure what accent Sean Connery is going for, I get the impression he just showed up to gigs and did whatever he wanted.

#long post #movie recs #mein #If nothing else this is just the 'why is Doom like that' list

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