#i love adult Jackie a lot

[arolesbianism]

Y'know I know I've said like a billion times I don't want to know shit abt Jackie's past but erm. Hi klei. Please just tell me if Josephine and Alan are her parents or some miscellaneous relative this is so important. Did Jackie seriously come from a household with a colonel and another person with a doctorate or does she just happen to be related to them this is so important for how I decide to move forward with my Jackie hcs and with my aus in general I need to know so bad tell me right fucking now

[akajustmerry]

putting aside my usual evergreen complaints about the racism in yellowjackets....I feel like yellowjackets season 1 was able to, in a much more profound and subtle way, show that experiencing extreme trauma as a teenager means you never adjust to adulthood because you always feel you weren't meant to be there. In season 1, I feel like the adult plotline was meant to feel surreal in how normal it seemed and I loved the reveal that Shauna was wrong that there wasn't some massive conspiracy. It was just her shitty husband trying not to go bankrupt and some guy paid the price for that with his life. Same with Misty and the reporter and Tai and terrorising her family. Over and over, revealing that there is nothing. No conspiracy. Just the reality that they're extremely traumatised and can't live with what they've done and can't get help. And I know people will argue that the show is still about that and I suppose it is. But it's not about that in a clever or compelling or even coherent way. One of my favourite scenes in all the show is still in season 1 when Shauna and Jeff have dinner with Jackie's parents on Jackie's birthday. How utterly depressing it is that Shauna has ostensibly taken every aspect of Jackie's life (including her life, literally) and Jackie's parents will never know. I know some people love to talk about the queerness of that and sure I guess but honestly to me what makes that sequence is how it says something so profound about how something terrible happening to you can trap you forever. Freeze you (haha) at the time it happened. Shauna is over 40 and she's still at her best friend's house for dinner with her best friend's boyfriend feeling superior about secrets she's keeping from all of them. Then there's Tai, splitting herself in two because her life is also split into before and after and she doesn't even realise. Her son is terrified of her and neither know it because Tai, like Shauna, won't face how stuck she is. Natalie has faced it all and it's why she can't function and has substance abuse issues because how else can you live with it? There was something really grounded about that, even Misty's true crime shit felt so grounded in a kind of paranoia that is a pretty realistic reaction to what they've been through. But then the show with each season has become less and less grounded and so the two plotlines cohere less and less. And the more the show leaned into the idea of there actually being something supernatural and occultish, the less the show is about something profound. A lot of the show now, to me, seems to be about revealing something shocking. which is crazy because season 1 was all about how actually the truth isn't that shocking. the truth is awful but not shocking. Truth of Life is mostly tedious. It's not that I wanted the adult plotline to be them all getting therapy but the way it's devolved into a Murder Of The Week is silly! And yellowjackets season 1 was many things but it wasn't silly. It had something profound to say about the tedium of life and trauma and said it well. The last 2 seasons have nothing to say other than, "this is pretty fucked up isn't it!" And it's boring!!!!! When anything can happen in your show, then nothing is happening!!

[roosterforme]

Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw Part 23 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: Bradley was bruised, hungry and worn out, but as soon as he was with you again, nothing else mattered. You welcomed him home with so much love, like nobody else ever had before or ever would again.

Warnings: Angst, fluff, adult language, smut, very hands-on Bradley, 18+

Length: 3600 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female teacher!Reader

Check out my masterlist for more! Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw masterlist

You were already at work, trying your best to teach your math class with your phone gripped in your hand, when Bradley texted to let you know he was boarding a flight that would land in San Diego just before six o'clock. Tears stung your eyes as you scribbled some problems on the board for your kids to work on while you walked briskly to the back of the room to write back.

I'll be there to pick you up! I can't wait!

Truthfully, you didn't know if you could have gone another day without hearing from him. Your heart felt full now after the brief conversation you had. He was safely back on dry land! He was coming back to San Diego! He missed you as much as you missed him! 

It was Valentine's Day, and more importantly, Career Day was later this week on Friday. You couldn't contain your excitement, especially when he wrote back with his flight number along with a short message

I'll see you in a few hours, Gorgeous. Tell your kiddos I'll see them in a few days.

You watched as your students wrote down some final answers, then you checked them together while butterflies soared around in your belly. You couldn't hold it back any longer after that. You felt flustered as you placed your hand on your forehead and said, "Lieutenant Bradshaw wanted me to tell you that he'll be here on Friday for Career Day."

Jayden jumped out of his chair as Oliver pumped his fists in the air. "Can we work on another list of questions for him?" Nia asked as Violet clapped in excitement.

Since that very first package you sent, he had been making this school year even better than you ever expected. "Yes. We can work on more questions for him. Some of our other friends from the Navy will be joining us as well."

"Who?" asked Jackie, eyes wide behind her glasses.

"I guess you'll find out on Friday. Now who wants to write our list of questions?"

When you left your school that afternoon, traffic back to Coronado was heavy, but you didn't mind one bit. You couldn't stop smiling as you made a phone call, ready to beg if needed to so you could get what you wanted. Then you changed into the dress Natasha helped you pick out. It was tight and black with long sleeves and a short hem. And suddenly it was time to pick Bradley up.

You were giddy as you stood on the driveway, unsure if you should take your car or his Bronco. Ultimately you decided to take his so he'd have a chance to drive it if he wanted to. Unless he was exhausted. If he was too tired, you would have no problem driving it back so he could rest. Then you started to feel like maybe you shouldn't have made the dinner reservation. He probably wasn't going to want to go out to eat two hours after getting home from deployment. 

How many times had he told you that he liked the way you didn't mind when he wanted to just relax on the couch and unwind? You groaned as you got in the Bronco and started the engine. When you got to the airport, you'd call and cancel it. Taking him home to a long, hot shower was a better option. Plus you already stocked the refrigerator with so much food, he could eat whatever he wanted for the next week.

There was a ton of traffic getting into the airport short-term parking lot, and you were just pulling into a spot when Bradley texted you to let you know his flight landed early. "Oh, shit," you muttered, heart hammering into overdrive as you pulled the key from the ignition and straightened your dress as you climbed out of the Bronco. 

You rushed through the throngs of people as quickly as you could, looking for the correct baggage claim number. When you located it, you spun around looking for him, but you heard his voice before you saw him.

"Gorgeous!"

So many people were looking at your boyfriend with his booming voice and khaki uniform, but he was staring right at you with a bright smile on his face. You were off and running for his arms, and he scooped you up against him, feet lifting from the floor.

"Bradley," you moaned, and his lips crashed against yours. His heart was thudding against your chest as you tasted his mouth and grabbed at his hair. Everything about him was so familiar, and it seemed like it had been forever since you got to touch him. 

His mustache was rough against your lips and then your cheek and ear. His voice was deep and sweet as his lips skimmed your earlobe when he whispered, "I love you."

Then his lips found yours again as you clung to him. This is what you'd missed so much. Just simply knowing he adored you by the way he kissed you. Any doubts you had while he was gone started to ease away. Big hands held you in place as you broke the kiss to say, "I missed you," voice coming out like a sob.

His brown eyes were soft as he smiled at you. "I couldn't go another minute without you, Gorgeous. I was miserable."

"Me, too," you whispered, kissing him once more as your feet touched the ground again. But you still felt lighter than air as his adoring gaze stayed fixed on your face when you said, "That box of notes you sent me was so romantic, Bradley, but nothing compares to the real thing." 

You dragged your thumb along his scars, body still pressed against his. He grunted as his hand slid down your back to your butt. "Let's go home. So I can give you the real thing." Your cheeks were blazing with heat as you buried your face against his chest. "I wrote you so many notes, Baby. They're in my duffle, just waiting for you to read them, but you'll notice a theme. I missed you like crazy. And all I want to do for the foreseeable future is eat food that doesn't suck, sleep in my own bed, and fuck my girlfriend."

"Bradley," you laughed, letting him walk you backwards so he could pick up his duffle bag. You had one hand around his neck and one on his firm abs as you whispered, "Let's go home."

-------------------------------

It was indescribable how much better Bradley felt as soon as he saw you inside the airport. And now he couldn't stop touching you. Your voice eased the tension out of his body like nothing else could, and your skin was silky soft beneath his fingers. He had one hand on the wheel of his Bronco and one tucked up inside your dress, resting on your thigh while he drove. 

It was Valentine's Day, and he showed up empty handed which just felt wrong. He would try to make it up to you all week and all month. He'd make it up to you in the form of an engagement ring. How could he not? The deployment without communication was the most miserable he'd been since his mom died. Probably because he hadn't felt so loved since then.

"I reached for my phone so many times to call you before I remembered I couldn't," you said softly, running your fingers up his forearm and back down. "It broke my heart a little bit each time."

"God, Gorgeous," he moaned, squeezing your thigh as he drove into the sunset toward Coronado. He had an actual partner who was invested in him, and he wasn't about to give this up. "It killed me to go so long without hearing your voice. Keep talking. Please."

Your laughter filled the space as he sped up a little bit. "I have all of the letters from the box stacked up in the kitchen. I read them over and over again. And I moved all of my things into your house."

"Our house."

"Our house," you repeated, and he fell in love with the words even more. "I was too afraid to unpack all of it in case you told me Norfolk was going to be your permanent station, but maybe you can help me with that this week while I feed you everything in the refrigerator. Oh, and I made a reservation for Salvatore's for later tonight, but we can cancel it since you're probably exhausted."

Bradley parked in the driveway, yanking the keys from the ignition while you unbuckled your seatbelt. He took your chin in his hand, and you came willingly across the seat so he was kissing you again, rougher this time than in the airport. 

"Are you telling me there's a chance I get to fuck you and then eat ravioli?"

You whimpered as you crawled onto his lap, that little dress leaving nothing to the imagination as it bunched up to your hips. "If that's what you want," you whispered, looking like everything he would ever need. 

His cock throbbed as your body rubbed against his. "That's what I want," he grunted as you sucked on his neck. "I want you to be my Valentine. I want to show you how much I missed you. Then I want us to go out to dinner."

He opened the door and carried you toward the house, not stopping until he had you in the bedroom, fading rays of sunlight filling the space. Bradley watched you pull your dress over your head, revealing that little black bra and panty set you wore for him at Christmas. You kicked off your shoes, and he got to watch you crawl across the bed before yanking off his own boots and following you.

"Bradley," you giggled once he had you on your back, pinned beneath him.

"Say it again. I need to hear you say it again."

You guided your legs apart, letting him rest against your core as his lips skimmed along your jaw. Your voice was soft and perfect as you said his name. "Bradley. Show me how much you missed me."

He could feel your hands on his belt, the buckle clinking softly as you slid it open. You got his zipper open as he continued to run his lips along your soft skin, pausing to lick and taste you, making you moan for him. Your hand was too small to wrap around his cock, but you tugged him free from his underwear and gave him a squeeze that left him seeing stars.

"Baby," he whined, bucking against your palm as you slid your lace thong to the side and treated him to your welcoming pussy.

"It feels like you missed me a lot," you gasped, eyes going wide as he pushed himself into your perfect body.

He could only groan in response until he was fully seated, forehead resting on your shoulder. "It felt like hell being away from you. Can't live without my Gorgeous pen pal."

Bradley eased his hips back, listening to you whimper before he pushed himself deep again. His neck and shoulders were sore, and his bruises were tender beneath your eager fingers, but he didn't stop you from touching him everywhere. He needed you to. He'd been craving all of this for almost two months. You welcomed him back home with your kisses, fingers in his hair as he fell even more in love with the way you loved him. You whispered his name as he fucked you until you were shaking, and you let him fill you with his cum. 

"Gorgeous," was all he could mutter as he was sprawled halfway on top of you, still buried deep as your pussy pulsed gently around him. 

Your fingers trailed through his hair and down his neck as you whispered, "Let's take a shower together." He would have followed you anywhere you wanted to go, but a hot shower with your hands all over him sounded so good, he pulled himself free from your body and started to finally undress.

As his uniform shirt fell to the floor, you sat up in bed. When his undershirt was discarded as well, you gasped.

"What's the matter?" he asked as you got to your feet and ran your hand along his shoulder.

"You're bruised!"

"I'm fine," he muttered quickly, but you were already inspecting every inch of him.

"What happened?" you asked, voice sharp. "And why didn't you tell me about this right away? Before I started grabbing you."

He took your hands in his and kissed your fingertips. "I really am fine, Gorgeous. A doctor checked me out this morning. I just had a rough landing a few days ago."

"Why didn't you say something?"

Your words sounded sharp, but they felt so soft when he let his mind absorb them. "Because the only thing that's going to make me feel better is your body all over mine and your voice saying my name."

You bit your lip and very gingerly draped your arms around his neck. "Oh, Bradley. I'm going to spoil you for the rest of the week."

--------------------------------

Bradley yawned when he kept you tucked against his bruised chest in the shower, but he was resolute in saying he wanted to go out for dinner.

"We don't have to," you reassured him, placing kiss after soft kiss to his collar bones as you washed his hair for him. "You've been through so much."

"I want to eat real food with my beautiful girlfriend on Valentine's Day," he insisted. "And I promise you, this is the best I've felt since Christmas. Because I'm with you. Besides, you should have seen the shit they served for meals on that aircraft carrier. It was criminal, Baby." His musings were punctuated by his loudly growling stomach as he ran his hand up and down your back.

Truthfully, he did look a little thinner to you, which was awful considering how much he was used to eating. You just wanted to take care of him right now, and he clearly needed a solid meal and some sleep. So you helped him dry off and led him back to the bedroom with his hand wrapped around yours.

"Since you promised to spoil me... will you put that black dress back on again?" he whispered next to your ear, making you shiver.

"I could do that for you." Bradley picked it up off the floor with a smile, and you took it from him as you said, "But you made a mess of my underwear, so I'll have to skip it."

He made a deep sound at the back of his throat that had you excited to go to Salvatore's all over again. You helped him dress in a button down shirt and some black pants, careful about how you touched his bruises, and then the two of you were off. On the drive to the restaurant, his hand seemed to be glued to your thigh once again, but you didn't mind. It felt like you'd gone a year without him, and this was just your reward, getting to listen to him tell you all about how Admiral Simpson showed up in Norfolk and about how lonely he was on the carrier.

"I'm not doing that again," he murmured, parallel parking with one hand. He smiled at you as he checked his blind spot. "I'll just retire from the Navy before I spend that amount of time without my pen pals ever again."

You kissed him as he shifted into park. "You might have a career as a smut writer. I read that one note you left for me, and it was hot."

"Oh yeah?" he crooned, dark eyes sparking with mischief as his hand tightened on your leg. "You liked that one?"

Instead of a verbal response, you just guided his hand up a few inches further until his fingers grazed your bare pussy, and then you climbed out onto the sidewalk like it was nothing. Bradley was right behind you in an instant as you strolled inside Salvatore's as if you hadn't a care in the world, meanwhile your heart was pounding at the way his hand wrapped around you as the host greeted you both.

"Please enjoy the lounge for a few minutes, and I'll find you when your table is ready," he said smoothly while Bradley kissed the side of your neck with his body pressed against yours like the two of you were all alone.

"Let's go," you whispered, voice shaking a bit as you wiggled out of his grasp and headed for the bar. But the room was crowded, and he ended up right where he had been a second ago, leaving you a little dizzy as his hand settled low on your belly.

"You're gonna tease me for the rest of the night then?" he asked, broad chest rumbling against your shoulders and the top of your back.

"Maybe," you replied, trying to play coy even though you wanted nothing more than to feel him touching you just how he was right now.

He kissed the spot behind your ear, and your whole body clenched with need as he asked, "Let's get that expensive as hell wine again." Before you could stop him, he was signaling for the bartender and asking for the bottle by name. "It's my girlfriend's favorite," he said with a chuckle as he magically procured his credit card and handed it over.

You and he drank half the bottle right there in the lounge before the table was ready, and then you finished it in the dining room. It was Valentine's Day, sure, but this restaurant already held memories for you, and this was just adding to it. It was the same wine as last time, but you'd fallen even more in love with this man since then. Your feet were tangled with his under the table while you shared several pasta dishes, and you were so happy he was no longer self conscious about how much he ate around you. He touched you freely, reaching for your hand or letting his palm rest on your leg, and he kissed you sporadically as the meal progressed, knowing you wanted him to.

"I love you so much," you blurted out in the middle of telling him a story about how your class got locked out of the school after a fire drill. "And I'm happy you're home. And I don't want to ever do that again."

Bradley finished chewing his pasta before saying, "Well now you're just teasing me in a different way."

"I am?"

He nodded and set down his fork, signaling for the waiter. Bradley asked for the check and some containers to take the rest of the food home. Then he looked at you and asked, "How do you turn me on and make my heart melt at the same time, Gorgeous?"

The butterflies were back again. "You do it to me, too." You watched him pay the check like it was nothing, and he handed you the takeout containers. "Did you eat enough?" you asked as he led you toward the door and back to the Bronco with one hand resting on your hip and your body tucked against his.

"I can eat more later if I need to. Thank you for making the dinner reservation. It was perfect. But right now, I just want to be alone with you."

------------------------------

"Oh, god," Bradley groaned, getting to feel your body gripping him for the second time tonight. It was so late now, but he was full of wine and red sauce and still riding high on the excitement of being back home with you. He felt so loved up and emotional as he held you in front of him in bed and thrust slowly in and out of your pussy as you moaned. He missed being your big spoon.

"I can't wait until you read all the notes I wrote for you, Baby," he whispered, lips brushing the side of your neck as his fingers dug into your flesh. 

"I'll take some of them to work tomorrow," you gasped. Bradley didn't even feel bad for keeping you up past your bedtime as he nipped along your skin and fucked you slowly, just like he promised he would in that dirty note he put in the box. He was savoring you now; he planned on having you a dozen times just like this, all week long.

He slid his hand down to your clit and licked your ear. "I'll pack your lunch and drive you to work and get you coffee every day this week. I'm using vacation time to take care of some things." He wasn't about to tell you what those things were. But you were coming undone at his touch, so there was a chance he could tell you anything at the moment, and you wouldn't even remember. "You gonna cum for me?" he crooned, a smile curling along his lips as you arched your back and whined. "Good girl."

It didn't take long before he was following your lead, and after that it wasn't long before he was falling asleep with his body wrapped around yours, right where he belonged. "I love you."

------------------------------

I need them to be cuddly and snuggly and together forever. We've got a few more chapters left of these lovebirds. Thanks @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 25

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[spiderb00bs]

SURELY since you've done Lottie and Nat with a beefy reader, Your thinking of doing more with Shauna 👀

Please 🙏 😩

Natalie is soft, Lottie is devoted…

and ♡ Shauna ♡ is completely insane!

𓆩♡𓆪 It doesn't matter if you're tall, strong or with muscles. She's not afraid of you, she knows you'll never lay a finger on her, even if things are quite different when the positions are reversed.

𓆩♡𓆪 Shauna loves to leave marks on you. Bites on your biceps, bites on your shoulders, scratches on your back and abdomen…

𓆩♡𓆪 The girl is simply the biggest savage in the world, all because she knows you can take it!

Which reminds me…

𓆩♡𓆪 Shauna who forces you to play very violent games with her. :/

𓆩♡𓆪 “Playing” cops and robbers and only she can be the cop. Chasing you through the woods, knocking you to the ground, pinning your hands behind your back and asking you pointless questions while keeping you immobilized.

𓆩♡𓆪 Randomly telling you to run. Like, what the fuck is going on?

𓆩♡𓆪 One minute you're sitting carving something out of a piece of wood and the next you're running through the woods after hearing Shauna whisper creepily in your ear.

𓆩♡𓆪 It's kind of her way of showing you that she loves you. After knocking you down, she'll bite and scratch you, only to lie on top of you and hug you afterwards.

𓆩♡𓆪 None of the girls dared to interrupt. They knew that somehow, that twisted, scary game kept Shauna from freaking out or being more of an idiot than she usually was.

𓆩♡𓆪 Shauna uses you as her personal watchdog, obviously.

𓆩♡𓆪 But unlike the other girls, she's proud of it, she feels untouchable. She thinks you two are the invincible couple, everyone's afraid of her, and consequently everyone's a bit afraid of you too (a bit more pity than fear, but that's okay).

𓆩♡𓆪 She won't get off on asking you to punch someone, or scare someone. She doesn't need to, but whenever she's too tired she sends her big puppy.

𓆩♡𓆪 Speaking of puppies, sex with Shauna is the messiest thing you'll ever experience.

𓆩♡𓆪 She calls you a puppy all the time, trying to humiliate you while making you pleasure her.

𓆩♡𓆪 She rides your thigh, or your face. She leaves angry scars on your body every time. Visible enough for the girls to know you're hers!

𓆩♡𓆪 Like Lottie, I think about Shauna on the adult timeline a lot hehehe

𓆩♡𓆪 Shauna who misses you EVERY SINGLE DAY!

𓆩♡𓆪 You and Shauna drifted apart after the rescue. You were too traumatized and sensitive to deal with all the emotions and feelings between you.

𓆩♡𓆪 It ended up that you both just got on with life, Shauna marrying Jeff, and you becoming a first-class bachelor.

𓆩♡𓆪 When the two of you meet up after the girls have received those threats (stupid Jeff), the feelings come back to the surface, and everything seems extremely confusing.

𓆩♡𓆪 It all happens one night when you and the girls are out drinking and talking about all the crazy things that have happened recently and the waitress starts hitting on you.

𓆩♡𓆪 Shauna who doesn't give a damn about all the questions the girls ask when she pulls you away from the table. Locking you two in the bathroom together and making you fuck her into insanity.

𓆩♡𓆪 It's perfect. Almost as if you were both in the wilderness again. The bites, the roughness, the passion.

All of it.

Bonus

𓆩♡𓆪 You, Shauna and Jackie being childhood friends, and little eleven-year-old Shipman always getting jealous when the three of you played at being a family and you were chosen to be the “father”.

𓆩♡𓆪 Jackie always said she was going to be the “mother”. And Shauna always ended up being the “daughter” (which reminds me, I have a lot of thoughts about Jackie and Shauna fighting over Beefy!reader).

𓆩♡𓆪 Shauna getting angry in the middle of the play and dragging you away by the collar and forcing you to play wrestle with her.

𓆩♡𓆪 It always ended up with her on top of you, pinching your arm as you tried to escape her grip.

𓆩♡𓆪 After a while, your mother didn't let you go to Shauna's house anymore, as you always came back with bruises. But you could still go to Jackie's.

𓆩♡𓆪 Shauna was furious about this. Let's say you have to run home after school. Because Shauna Shipman is right behind you.

𓆩♡𓆪 What can I say, I'd love to be her punching bag 𓆩♡𓆪

[juniperhillpatient]

I’m so shocked & confused to see people hating Shauna/Melissa & also hating on the individual characters. There’s been a lot I’m not a fan of this season & I feel like there’s a definite shift in tone particularly in the adult timeline that started a while ago & has gotten significantly worse.

But if anything Shauna Shipman’s development into a worse / more violent person in the teen timeline is the BEST part of the season. It’s a natural progression after all the pain & trauma she’s gone through & how angry & jealous of Natalie she was by the end of last season.

And Melissa??? HOW can you hate her? She’s literally just a simp for a violent woman. Girly sees the way the wind is blowing - & that Natalie doesn’t actually have as much power as it looks like just cause she’s got the title - & she’s choosing which side she’s on while also going for that evil woman. It’s hot it’s fun it makes perfect sense & it’s great drama.

I also love the commentary I saw somewhere that Shauna has always been the moon to Jackie’s sun & now it’s her turn to be the one someone worships.

Typically I role my eyes at posts like “you people say you want a violent woman / toxic yuri but can’t even handle x” because I think 90% of the time it’s just identifying two different groups of people within a fandom & equating them into one. But this time it’s not that because why the HELL were you watching the evil lesbian cannibalism show if you don’t want to see girls making out while holding each other at knife point & maiming people then going to have sex covered in blood 😭 fake ass fans got me wanting to gatekeep so bad fr 😭

[happysparklingshadows]

A Certain Hunger (5/?)

Chapter 4 ✿ Chapter 6

Summary: Just a random few days in the first Summer in the wilderness. (Y/n) explore her surroundings and the people around her in the wilderness to find some sense of control and agency. She is blossoming. Adult (Y/n) gets an unexpected visitor late at night and has deep thoughts about the right move going forward. She also needs to get ready for a romance novel convention, but she just can't catch a break from her pine-scented memories.

Pairing: Surviving!Poly! Yellowjackets x fem!reader (slow burn)

Warnings: Gore, Mentions of Starving, Mentions of weight, Mentions of Chronic Pain and Injury, the 90s setting with the views of the time, homophobia and internal homophobia, Coming out of the closet, Mentions of sex and voyeurism, Mentions of Cheating, Mentions of menstrual cycle, Stalking.

Word count: 16.7k

Notes: HAPPY NEW YEARS! Back in action with my monthly uploads, and I am so happy to have my first headcanon chapter that doesn't follow an episode of the show, I hope I can add about three in the first and second season that shows things more about the reader and her experience out in the wilderness when there was still a lot of hope. I even did a poll for the readers of this story to have a voice in the direction of this arc for the reader. If you have any questions or thoughts about this story, please let me know in my inbox, and if you have any requests, I would love to hear what you all think and want from the story. The three days that I focus on in this chapter are July 7-10,1996, during their time in the wilderness, and I plan on making a timeline written for anyone really into the story!

Day 1 

The hard ground under you was comfortable enough to sleep on, and maybe enough blankets and exhaustion made it the most comfortable place in the cabin. Your pillow's plush, fuzzy fabric snuggled against your cheek as you slept deeply. The pain in your neck rested just right as you folded your arm under your pillow. Your blanket was warm. 

A hollow growl rumbles in your stomach again as you rest. 

You have skipped another meal last night. Making it the third meal of the day you have skipped for the others.

The months have been getting to you.

You didn’t think you could avoid hunger, but you didn’t think your stomach would hurt this much. It felt hollow and sore, but you were mostly fine and had the same energy. You haven’t been getting as much fish as you did your first time fishing, but it was enough for almost everyone. You decided to go without for the past four days to help everyone ration out the food. Lately, you would catch about three fish daily, around 1 pound each for 16 people. It was spreading thin on the days when Natalie didn’t catch any animals, but you were content with it sometimes. 

You had two advantages over everyone else in the woods: you had wilderness survival, and you were overweight. It will take longer for you to suffer from starvation, and if you skip your meal, that just means everyone gets a little more.  You didn’t mind it, but everyone else seemed not to like it; not even the boys wanted you to go without unless you simply put your food on the table and walked outside if you thought the portions too small for everyone. You would just say you could handle it, and if you had a negative calorie intake, it wouldn’t be as harmful as it would be if Jackie or Larua Lee skipped. Sometimes Van, Shauna, Lottie, or even Travis, to your great surprise, skipped with you for everyone else to have more. It was those days when there was a whispering dread in your ear, making you think too far ahead for your liking. You didn’t like to think about the nights becoming colder and the food slowly disappearing, and only having food that you saved, which would be nothing as things were going.  

You worked your anxiety away as much as possible with the fishing and projects around the cabin, so you didn't think about it too much. You still hoped to be saved and didn’t want to think about the colder months unless you had to. 

A soft hand lands on your shoulder and gently pushes you back a few times until your eyes creep open, “Hey, get up.” Natalie’s soft voice comes to your ears as you slowly get up. 

“Wha- what's wrong?” You yawn as you sit up, your hands pushing the wooden floor. You wore your blue and pink striped lattice hem set your mom got you for your trip to Seattle. As you were sitting up, your shoulder peeked out of the top. Your clothes were slowly becoming bigger on you, and you couldn’t find it inside yourself to complain; you had wanted to be a couple of sizes smaller, but this wasn’t how you thought you would lose the extra weight. A thin layer of salty sweat lines your face and neck, feeling every small move with a sticky sensation tickling your flesh. The morning of July was as unforgiving as the day. You pray there will be rain today so you can get a break from the beating sun. 

“Nothing. I got some food,” Natalie said with a smile as she looked over your face. She was most worried about you not eating the last few days. 

“Really!?” You say as you quickly start to get off your makeshift bed from the floor. You try to pull yourself off the floor like you usually do, but your left arm gives out from under you, causing you to light thump back onto the floor, and a sharp stab stocks you through your stiff neck. 

“Are you okay?” Natalie asks, concerned, as she takes your hand, pulling you to stand with her. Her eyes are concerned and worried at your inability to lift yourself. Seeing the biggest girl in the group fall apart wasn't a pleasant feeling because she wasn’t getting enough calories. 

You chuckle as you place your hand on her shoulder as she helps you stand up. Your cheeks become hotter as she holds you up. When you are on solid ground, you softly push her off you and say, “Sorry. I was pretty tired yesterday. I don’t know why; I was just in the heat, I think.” 

“I could tell; you slept like a damn rock yesterday after I got back from hunting. You good?”

“Yeah,” you say with a little sigh of exhaustion, but you smile at her nonetheless. ”It must have been jet lag, " you joke as you run a hand through your hair. You find a greasy curl in your bangs that stood up the whole conversation with Natalie. You try to hide your cringe at the feeling of your own bad hygiene. After two weeks in the wilderness, most of the body smelled sensitivities left everyone after the deodorant ran out. 

“Looks like your prayers have been answered ‘cause I got us some rabbits.” Natalie chuckled as she rubbed the back of her neck and looked at you. 

You don’t notice how her eyes seem to study your movements, “The rabbit traps finally worked?” 

“Yep, we caught four rabbits this morning, but one was lost. Something got to it before we got up.”’ 

“A wolf?” 

“Maybe. But there was just a foot left behind.” Natalie shrugged her shoulders with an amused smile like she was going to laugh. 

“Did you keep it? It’s good luck. Maybe Lottie would have liked it.” You say with a little chuckle at Natalie’s face, and you just turn your head away. You felt your cheeks getting warm talking to her. Before the crash, Natalie was flirty with you, but now she seems more serious. She only talks about food and how people feel, but you always feel like she has a special interest in how you feel. Your stomach growled last night, and she gave you strong looks from the corner of the room.

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll be eatin’ good today.” Natalie jokes as she crosses her arms, leaning on the doorway to the kitchen, the second half of the first floor. She seems to be waiting for you to follow her to the hearth where Mari and Laura Lee are cooking the food, and the smells of meat cooking fill the whole cabin. It was making your stomach growl. 

“Good. I will eat until I am sick if I can." you say as you finally move to look for clothes for the hot day. Natalie's steel-blue eyes lock as you move to your bags on the opposite side of the small room. You thoughtlessly take off your pajama shirt and expose your bare torso. 

Now, after months in the wilderness, you have grown comfortable with your body being seen by others. It didn’t help that you all changed in the locker room together before the crash, but since there was nowhere you could go without peeking eyes, you have grown accustomed to just exposing yourself to change. Even if the boys were in the room, you didn’t even think about it even more because there are a lot of tits out here in these woods. Yours couldn’t be the only ones their eye see in the morning when everyone changes. 

It was a little different this time, and you felt Natalie’s eyes on you, tracing your back as you looked down at your pile of clothes in your luggage bag. You could hear Misty and Krystal quiet in their conversation as you move quickly to find a shirt; your chest softly jiggles for everyone in the room to see. You find a thin pink shirt and a Harley-Davidson shirt your dad gave you that you made into a crop top. You tell Natalie to break the loud silence, “Did you find the rest of the pop tabs?” 

“What?” 

“Wha-” You say as you throw a sports bra on yourself, “Pop tabs, Nat.” 

“Oh, yeah.” She says, quickly pushing her hand into her black jeans pocket and pulling out a couple of old pop tabs from the crash site. “These were the only ones I could find in good enough condition.” 

You throw the pink long sleeve over your head as you take the pop tabs in your hands and push them into your bag. “Thank you, Nat! I needed a few more to improve my net,” you say as you pull the crop top over your head. 

“What do you use pop tabs for again?” she asks with a chuckle. Her smile lingers on her lips, making you feel light in your stomach. 

“Hooks, " you crock out to her as you start straightening your hair as best you can with your fingers. “Just bend them back and forth at an angle, and they're makeshift hooks.” 

“Sick.” She says as she leans away from the doorway. She leans away for you to walk into the second living space. 

“Good morning!” “Morning!” “Hey, (y/n)!” was sent your way as you walked into the room. You smiled and waved back to everyone as you sat down at the table. Everyone had a pile of rabbit meat on their plates, but yours was slightly larger, with berries and the last of the fish jerky on your plate. 

“Guys!” you say as you look at your plate, worried everyone didn’t get enough food. But you are shut down by looks. 

“Stop it; it's yours,” Jackie says, smiling. She then leans her shoulder towards you playfully. 

“Yeah, please. We all thought it would be nice for you to have a big breakfast after skipping the last few nights,” Shauna says as she chews on some dark meat. 

“But, guys-” you try, but your stomach growls as you look at the freshly cooked meat.

“Just shut up and take your present,” Van says with a playful glare and shakes her head. Everyone laughs as you try again to make them take some of your portion. 

You eventually succumb to your urge to eat the meat. You sink your fork into the meat and shovel the dark meat into your mouth. 

You feel the strands of muscle on the rabbit leg you bit. You feel the juices of the fat in its body flush out of the strands as you chew on it more. You savor the gamey and wild flavor of the rabbit’s meat. You just moan as you keep eating everything on your plate. There was a click in the back of your throat as you ate. Your jaw healed weirdly after the crash, making you hear the tiny clicks as you swallow. 

You rub the back of your sweaty neck, and every step you take holds a tiny stab of discomfort at the base of your neck. It’s been two months and three weeks in the wilderness, and most of your wounds from the crash have healed beautifully. Your black eyes, busted lip, and burns healed within the first week, and the more significant wounds on your legs and neck seemed to take longer than expected. Misty said your leg took a little longer to heal than the other wounds, but it was because it was on the lower part of your body, and you believed her. But your neck has yet to feel the same. You know you should have had a brace on it, but you couldn’t find anything to make one without leaving someone without. You hoped that you would be saved before it became a problem. Luckily, it doesn’t hurt so bad anymore, but it felt like you constantly slept wrong on your head, having a stiff neck for the rest of the day. You have been messaging your neck as much as you could as you felt it becomes sharply painful, but you have made it a habit in the week of walking in these woods for hours. 

In another circumstance, these walks in the woods to the lake would have been therapeutic. The sun's rays peek through the branches and kiss the ground with light. The greenery completely consumes the environment, and with such natural beauty, sometimes you stand still, looking up at the tall trees. As you walk down the trail, you look up at the tall branches of the trees. At this point, it becomes almost muscle memory for you as you slowly approach the beach. 

You decided after breakfast to take a bath and clean the grease out of your hair and the thin film of sweat on your skin. You felt uncomfortable in your skin on a hot day out in the Canadian sun, and knowing your day would be spent sitting under the sun fishing, you felt like it was just time to wash and use some of your soap rations and lotion. You hold your toiletries bag, a new pair of underwear, and a towel in your hands as you stand on the end of the grass to the beginnings of the sand, but you stand in place as you look down the lake. 

There standing alone was Lottie in her nightgown, looking absentmindedly out to the sky, almost like she was trying to piece something together being written in the blue. 

You notice her absence at breakfast, and the last few breakfasts, she has been gone, and you always find her at the water, just staring out into space. It worried you, but you knew there was nothing you could do for the time being. The only thing you could do is be there for your friend. You didn’t need her to tell you to notice that there was a mental health issue underlining Lottie’s behaviors lately, even though she is mostly normal throughout the day. Sometimes, you would have a conversation with her so that she could only forget what she was talking about or completely state vague and ominous things without being able to explain herself. 

You softly place your towel on the big rock and untie your shoes. Then, you sit down as the soft waves brush against the hot sand, watching the brunette standing in the water. You stand up from the rock, taking your belt off, then your shorts, until you are in just your underwear. You unclasp your bra from under your shirt, slip the straps through your sleeves, and place your bra onto your towel next to your new pair of underwear. 

You walk toward the water, softly stepping into the cold, blue water. Water splashes caress your leg, hugging your body with fresh frost. As you walked deeper into the water, it was a painful pleasure to reach the unresponsive Lottie. 

When the water was at your thighs, you called out to Lottie, who was only a few more feet away from you, “Hey! Good morning, Lottie!” 

You decided the best thing you could do was be there for Lottie and ensure she was on the right track. You also had to comfort her and help everyone stay in the best conditions possible until you were found. 

She was deeply lost in her daze, but she seemed to slowly come back to reality with slow blinks when she heard your voice. She blurted out, “Huh?” and paused to rub her eyes with her fingers. “Um, right. Good morning, (y/n).” 

 You chuckle, playing down what you were watching, letting her get herself in order, “Hey, I saw you weren’t at breakfast when I woke up.”

“Have you eaten?” Lottie says in a deep, raspy tone as if she is sleeping but looking at you seriously. Hearing her talk to you like that was a little eerie, but it shows her concern about skipping meals. 

“Yeah, Nat found a lot of rabbits, and they basically gave me one whole one with berries. It was surprisingly delicious.” 

Lottie nodded, but her eyes looked miles away from her. She looked down at your body as you came beside her in the lake. She says as she doesn’t look connected to her body yet from wherever her mind is, “What’s the bag?” she asks as she stands still. 

“Soap and stuff, I wanted to take a bath, but I saw you out here and came to you. Can I ask you a favor?” 

Lottie's attention was now drawn to the bag in your hand and your thick thighs. "Yeah, Of course."

She didn’t move for a moment but blinked a few times, a clearer and more present look returning to her face. Lottie turned her body to face you fully. "What do you need?"

“Can you hold my things? I'll take my bath real quick, and you can take one, too, if you want.” 

Lottie blinks at you and nods, her hands out to hold the bag. You smile as you slowly place the bag in her hands. You say, “Is it okay if you hold my shirt too? I know you have seen my tits enough times, but I want to ask before I take it out,”  you chuckle as you look at her shocked face. 

Lottie laughed quietly, her cheeks darkening with a grin spreading on her cheeks, and nodded. "I'm sure I can survive the traumatic experience of having to see your naked tits for another few minutes."

You rolled your eyes as you scoffed, “Whatever.” You quickly take off your shirt and put it on Lottie’s shoulder to keep it from becoming wet. Lottie then glanced around to make sure no one else was there. 'We're alone here, right?"

“I’m sure, and if we weren’t, they wouldn't be seeing anything new.” 

Lottie chuckled as she turned her head back to you, her brown eyes scanning your face as she opened your bag. You move in with your naked body to grab the shampoo, start to dunk your head under the water, and stand back up to rinse the foaming soap. 

 You splash water on your head as you close your eyes and place the soap on the crown of your head. You move the bottle towards Lottie’s direction, then quickly wash your hair with both hands. 

Almost instinctively, you peek your eyes open. You see Lottie looking at your chest and down your torso. She doesn’t even notice your eyes, watching you gaze at her. You close them again and say to her, with a little laugh on your lips, “Wanna take a picture?” 

“Maybe, so I have it for later,” Lottie muttered. She took another longing look as you rinsed the grease from your hair. She said louder before you asked her to repeat herself, “I don’t have a camera.” 

“Guess you just have to use your memory, Matthews.” You laugh as you lean over again. After you rinsed your hair off the shampoo, you also decided to use some conditioner. 

“Don’t make me out as some kind of pervert or something, (y/n)!” Lottie says back with a laugh, and she is now looking at your face as you scrub the smooth soap through your ends. 

“I’m not, but I don’t know, you might be liking my tits.” 

“What can I say? You’re my girl crush.” Lottie says, looking harder at your form as your eyes closed. She quoted Cosmopolitan about movie stars and singers, but Lottie has been thinking she is forming some kind of crush on you since you both shared that kiss late at night. Lottie doesn’t know what to think, but she knows she feels safe with you, and Lottie knows that she is pleasantly surprised with how beautiful you truly are. “I also have a girl crush on Sandra Bullock.” 

You giggled as you rinse out the conditioner from the ends of your hair, “What the fuck?” You laugh as your cheeks grow in heat as she talks at you like this. You are happy she is out of her episode, but you didn’t realize that your tits were so distracting for her. 

Lottie laughs and says, “I don’t know, I am just talking.” 

From across the lake, in the thick brush, she watches with rasped and raggedy breath as she sees (y/n) in the water with Lottie. Jealousy runs through their veins like a heroine, making them hot off this intense hatred for Lottie and even (y/n). “Why is she always with other people? Why does she just show her body off like that? Doesn’t she know how beautiful she is? Doesn’t she know I would kill someone to touch her soft skin just once?” thoughts race through the teen girl's head. She wanted to touch herself at the image of (y/n) so beautiful and vulnerable in the water. If (y/n) was alone, they could have stood in the water bathing with her and watching the soap run down her body up close. It’s all they have ever wanted; it’s what they have thought about for years. They felt themselves retreating to the woods after the sounds of the girls' shared laughter got to their ears. It felt like knives were stabbing into their skin or like bugs digging into their flesh. Their hands formed into hard fists as they stormed away from the shoreline. They couldn’t take much more of this. 

After your bath, you and Lottie separated for the rest of the day. You went to your new fishing spot with your makeshift fishing net, and Lottie returned to the cabin to do laundry. She stopped by with a basket on her hip alongside Laura Lee and Van. They asked if you needed help bringing the two medium-sized grey fish, but you declined. You work hard to weave fishing lines and waterlogged weeds into a sturdy fishing net with two thick branches to anchor the netting. You would bend pop tabs at an angle until they broke, making a hook to braid into the net. You were almost halfway done with this project, but you needed to constantly work on the net to finish it before midseason when fish became less active. 

When you leaned into your braiding, the small remaining hole on the tab got stuck on the fishing line in a specific braid. You let your fishing pole sit lazily next to you. You put a small frog as your bait this time, but there wasn’t even the smallest bite for the last hour. 

Suddenly, as you are weaving the netting, your fishing pole lunges forward, almost getting thrust into the lake water. You quickly drop the net and rush over to your old, rusty fishing pole, and before there is another thrust forward, you grab hold of it. 

A mighty thrust forward caused you to step into the water, and you panicked with the pole. You quickly tried to reel in the line, but it didn’t move; instead, it moved you. 

You looked down at the water with wide eyes. As you saw the clear fishing line thrash about quickly, you stepped back and decided that the best course of action was to pull it to the surface. 

You slip on the mud, and your back leans on a tree as you struggle to pull in the heavy creature at the other end. You panic as you start to feel yourself being pulled forward again into the water by a strong force. You pull the pole with you, both hands on the reel and rod, and rush back to where you sat for hours. Surprisingly, the creature at the other end seemed spooked by you; pulling it forward, the turtle stilled, and as you rushed back to your spot from before, the green ball came to the mud with a low hiss coming into the air. 

You look behind you to see an ugly, large, snapping turtle staring you down. The fishing line is in the turtle's beak, most likely in its stomach, as it ate the frog. 

You were amazed, but you were also scared. You didn’t know what to do, so you stared at him. A few feet away, he stood, afraid, hissing at you. He was at least 25 lbs without his rocky shell. 

SNAP! SNAP! 

Before you could pull him in more, he lunged at you with two great snaps of his jaw, missing you each time but getting closer to you with each bite. He stands a foot away from you with his mouth open to whine a hiss. 

You couldn’t think but quickly backed up again and looked for your knife. You grab it quickly before the turtle can react. You pull him in with all the strength in your arm. He hissed as his body lifted from the ground, and he hung from the line in pain from the hook in his throat. You try to stab the turtle’s neck to kill him, but he reacts quickly.

SNAP! 

You moved quickly out of the way and luckily didn’t lose your finger. You rejected not letting the others help you because now you were dealing with more than before. You didn’t want to let the turtle go, but you didn’t have the strength to keep him in the air like that. You tried again, and he snapped at you. You then decided to put the fishing line on a lower branch of the tree next to you.

You take a trig growing from the broken branch to distract the panicking snapping turtle. You annoy the turtle with a twig to the face, and the turtle snaps onto the twig like it’s nothing, but as he is distracted with the twig, you stab the turtle in the back of its head. The blade pops through its head through the turtle's left eye, popping the small ball out of the socket and making you cringe. You pull the blade from the turtle's head and pull the massive beast from the tree. 

You gave up on the rest of the day after killing the turtle. It was a very taxing experience fighting with an adult snapping turtle, and you pack up for the day. You put your little tabs in the fishing box, and your net inside the box handle to walk home. You put the two gray fishes on the stomach of the snapping turtle as you held onto its shell. Walking home with the big guy was laborious, but it was worth it. You knew how much food he would be if you brought him back, so you kept walking with the turtle, weighing you down. 

When you got to the cabin, everyone circled Natalie, who held a small beaver in her hands. They cheered when you came to view and seemed beyond excited that both of you caught huge catches you had for them all. There was enough food for everyone for the next couple of days, and it could be spread out for 5 days.

Everyone decided to jerk the beaver and fish to keep them longer and to eat the turtle because Mari could make so much soup from it.  

Jackie looked at the slimy moss-green turtle with a curled lip and narrow eyes, “I’m not eating that.” 

“What?” Mari says and steps into your space to look at the turtle. Mari picks up the turtle from its shell with both hands and huffs at the weight as if she knew how to handle the beast. “My mom makes killer turtle soup. We can cook it with its shell. We just have to scrub him up, and we have a whole soup!” Mari smiles as she struggles with now Misty to bring the dead turtle to the porch. 

You held the two small grey fish by their tailfins and added to Mari, “Don’t we have some carrots and spring onions?”

Jackie gave you a sideways glance at the mention of the bendy forest purple carrots you all found by the plane. The carrots naturally grew on the vine marshy ground the plane lay on. They were a fantastic find. The problem was preserving them long enough to eat throughout the days because they were root vegetables. They were bendable and weak but still were edible. “This sounds so gross.” 

“You’re such a stick in the mud, Jackie. Just think it’s rabbit.” Mari says as she starts to wipe the turtle from its blood with a rag. 

“Dude, look at it! It looks like a slug!”

“Dude!” Shauna says to Jackie, nudging her shoulder to make her stop talking badly about their dinner. 

“I would rather have the beaver!” Jackie yelled with defensiveness, her eyes big and wide and serious. 

A snicker from Van started it, making you laugh out loud and making everyone giggle at the joke Jackie unintentionally made. 

“Beaver.” Van says, and it makes everyone laugh harder. Jackie rolls her eyes with a loud ugh. She stomps off to the back of the cabin to get away from the laughing and her unintentional pussy joke.

Late that night, after everyone had eaten the turtle soup, you sat outside on the porch, writing about your day with your journal in your lap. You had picked up the habit from Shauna, and you both decided to write about your experience out in the woods so that if you were found, people would know what happened in your time stranded. You have been becoming lazy with your journal lately because there has been nothing new to write about. You have been fishing, talking with your friends, and worrying about your mom. 

A strong breeze sent a chill down your legs, making you cringe at the cold night. You closed your journal, placed your ballpoint pen in the center, and decided to pack it up for the night. You stood up off the porch steps, but as you stood, you felt a deep pressure in your pelvis, making you want to pee. 

You turned yourself around to go to the woods, the pooping corner, as Mellissa coined it. You felt the tall grass brush against your calves, crickets and salamanders sing in the twilight of the Canadian mountainside; you felt the crisp, clean air reach your nostrils and travel down your throat. You traveled down the small trail you and all the others made from traffic, but you felt a drop in your chest as you approached the bushes. 

Snap!

You turn your head to your right, through the thick brush of trees toward the abandoned plane, to the sound of something snapping a branch. You see the small figure in the brush coming towards you, her hands holding the tree for whatever reason. Her eyes glued on you, her mouth slightly open, she looks shocked at the snapping branch. 

“Misty! Holy moly!” You yelp as you jump back on instinct. Misty always had a way to catch you off guard. “What the hell are you doing over there?” 

“Uh, Peeing?” 

You laugh out loud as you pant. For whatever reason, you feel your heartbeat in your chest. Misty’s unsettling personality isn’t one to be around at night. It is uncomfortable, but it is bearable if you speak right. You put your hand on your chest as you laugh again to distract from her creepiness and act like you are not uncomfortable in her presence. 

“Oh, of course! Sorry, Misty! Doing the same!”

She steps forward out of the brush and keeps her eyes on you. “I could come with you to keep watch, you know, um,  just to make sure you're safe,” she says.

A stiff breeze hit the back of your legs, but it wasn’t as chilling as the feeling of Misty’s eyes staring into yours. Something simmered under the surface—it was always there, but in this moment, it felt dangerous. You felt a desperate need to let her near you, to be friendly with her, but she didn’t know how to mask the sinister undertone in her words. 

You hated the fact you felt pity. You felt bad. You didn’t want to make Misty feel like a freak like everyone else. You remember how crushed she was when Randy called her a dyke at homecoming years back, and you remember the rumors of her having anal and giving boys footjobs even though everyone knew she didn’t. You know how everyone treats her like an outcast in the wilderness. It wasn’t fair to be permanently outcasted because you were offputting but overly kind, you thought. 

“Yeah, sure. Can you hold my journal?” You say to her as you stand in place, waiting for her to be beside you. “Hey, I have a question to ask you, actually?.” you add as you move to be behind a bush. 

Misty looks into your eyes softly, her hands tightly holding the leather bond book. She smiles tightly and says, “Yeah?” 

“What are those birds out on the water, do you know?” you ask as you unbutton your pants, move to a squat and pee. Your eyes lock onto Misty as you continue, “The one that makes those loud dove noises. I know those aren’t crows because they are like ducks sitting on the water and don’t sound like crows. They are so loud and scary early in the morning.” 

Misty smiles, her eyes perking up with light, her face almost red with excitement as she proclaims, “Those are Common Loons. The black ones with red eyes.” She says with a smile growing on her lips, like she is smiling under the mask she wears, “Fun fact! They use Loon calls as Mourning Dove calls in movies because Loon’s are a lot more crisp sounding.” 

You smile at her softly as you study her face. “That’s crazy... I thought it was some kind of duck or something.” You chuckle as you watch her face. You look to the forest floor for some leaves to wipe with, and Misty continues talking about different birds. You feel a shiver down your spine at how normal Misty is. 

After you were done, you walked with her, took your journal back from Misty, and kept talking about her special interest in birds. She told you she has a pet named Neapolitan, Yellow Canary, back home who always sings for her when she enters her room. As she was talking, you watched closely at her eyes and lips. 

Her eyes are bright and wide, and her lips turn upward as she speaks. But it was as if something inside wasn’t connecting with her eyes. 

There was no sadness or grief at being here and not with Neapolitan. There was just contentment in her face. 

Misty is acting the same way she did before the crash. She seemed fine, happier talking about the loon out on the lake more than her pet in her room. It wasn’t right. It made no sense. It scared you. 

The energy coming off misty just made you want to run away. You don’t understand why Misty is giving you the creeps in the back of the cabin, but you don’t feel well hearing her speak. Hearing her become so content with being here and talking about home like it didn’t tear her apart made you feel sick. You couldn’t understand how she wasn’t sobbing, talking about home or a pet, and just talking to you like this was her best conversation in years. 

Misty was at the porch with you as you started to step up the stairs to the cabin’s front door; she listed, “There is also the brewer sparrow, burrowing owl, bald eagles, American dipper, the brown-headed cowbird-”

“Misty?” 

“Yeah?” She asked with her head whipping back to you, her blonde curls bouncing around her head with the movement. 

“I need to ask you a serious question, and it needs to stay between us, okay?” 

Her eyes widened for a second as she approached you with a deadly serious expression, taking the face you needed her opinion on sincerely. “Anything, what is it?”

You sigh and look away from her at the beautiful starry sky above you. “Do you think we're going to be found? I just—” You sigh as you look at the north star off the side of the Waxing gibbous.

“I don’t know.” Misty immediately answers before thinking about it, but she says, “Maybe the plane had its last location sent to the power tower, and people are searching high and low for you guys.” 

“What do you mean “you guys”? Your family are looking for you like all our families are.” 

“I don’t think they are, " Misty said as if it were a fact. At this moment, her eyes were empty of emotion, and her face looked too relaxed to be natural. 

“Don’t say that.” 

“Well, don’t ask if we’re going to be found as if you've given up hope, (y/n),” Misty says with a serious voice as she steps closer to you, with her face almost in yours, “You are the one everyone is looking up to for what to do out here, you're the one holding all of this together, and you can’t start asking those things now. You’re our only hope of staying alive long enough for search teams to find us, and you're doing amazing. You can’t lose hope now.” 

She spoke to you like she was pushing you on a pedestal, building your confidence with a fierce glare to push you back in place. It was so unsettling. It was just wrong; it felt wrong, like she was toying with you for losing hope, which was so odd. Why do that? 

Just like the day you left the locker room after their last game before the whole plane ride, she hid in the hallway just to stare at you. 

“Okay, " you say to her as you fight the urge to step back, trying not to hurt Misty’s feelings. I’ll try. Sorry. I haven’t given up hope; I have just been getting wary lately.” 

“It’s okay, (y/n), just make sure you don’t tell anyone else what you just told me because that might scare them.” Misty says again with her smile creeping up slowly, predatorily, like a wolf lifting its lip to lick their chops. 

You blink slowly, feeling unnerved by the words but seeing why she was saying them. “I mean, I am just being realistic. I’m not trying to be a stick in the mud.”

“I know that.” Misty quickly animates her face and body, her hands to her chest to prove her innocence, with her eyes looking big up at yours. “We’re friends that understand each other, but the others don’t understand that. They will judge you and never take you seriously again.” 

You look at her momentarily to understand what she is saying and feel the sinister undertone in her words. You know you should play it dumb and safe, though, as you smile at her and say, “Yeah, okay, you're right. Sorry for talking crazy.” 

“No problem, bestie!” Misty beamed with a tight grin. Her eyes looked cold as she tried to make her smile warmly. 

‘21

You had a wonderful last few days. When Misty dropped you off at your house, you quickly wrote the ending for your smutty novel. It was a perfect ending where the two women stay together and have hot sex, the perfect ending for a complicated romance story. It made you so happy to turn in the novel finally to your publisher, which after review, they fucking loved as well. It was sent to the editors, and the book's production will start by the end of next month. You couldn’t help but feel so accomplished that you even took your father out on a nice dinner to celebrate, and you have been on a happy high since. 

Tonight, you have been sent over the editor's notes to fix the holes in the story. You went to get yourself a coffee and dinner and came home to see your cat sitting on your laptop keyboard. 

You then took the next couple hours devoting yourself to critically combing through your story, your handwritten notes beside you, and your reading glasses sitting on the bridge of your nose. The chapters have been read over four times with edits each time to be approved in your eyes to move to the next. You remember when your first published book came out. It was a lesbian Vampire book trilogy about a feminine Noblewoman meeting a street fighting masc, which just so happened to come out at the same time the movie Twilight came out.  The success of the movie made your book blow up in popularity among queer groups, in conservative groups from outrage, and from everyday literature lovers. You remember how stressed you were when you were writing the series and how many demands were placed on you to push out the next book and the next, and then you didn’t hear from your publisher for a year until they demanded a new book. You then wrote a fantasy book romance that had a fairy falling in love with a goblin, another successful series. Now, on your third romance trilogy, you have grown bored of your fantasy creatures and celebrate concepts. Tension grows in your shoulders in your computer chair, and you lean back, taking your glasses off in exhaustion. 

Rubbing your eyes and leaning back in your chair, you naturally pulled back. The wheel glided on the carpet under your resting foot, and your eyes landed on the open closet. 

Your chest grew hot, and your breath became deep. Staring at your closet door, with your hands on your head, you slowly rose from the chair. 

“You don’t need to read them again.“ The voice begs in the back of your head.

In a semi-self-inflected trance, you step into the closet and find a mess of clothes and long-forgotten items: skates from the 1980s, notebooks from NYU, and an old steel safe.

“Stop it. You don’t need to read them again.” It says again.

Your painted fingers type in the code, your mother's birthday, and quickly open the safe. When you open the safe, a wave of smell barrels towards your nose, smelling like old paper, dirt, dust, and small hints of Pine. 

You start at the worn black leather of the bound journal, which has water and sun damage staining on the exterior. The once-white pages have yellowed over the years, and the quality feels like it will fall apart in your hands before too long. 

You gradually breathe as you lean against your closet wall and slide down, looking at the 25-year-old journal. 

“(Y/n), it’s not going to change.” The voice pleads as you turn the page to a random page of the first book you found. 

7/7/96 Today was productive and amazing!  I caught a snapping turtle about 30ish ibs, and we made a yummy soup of it. It's the best thing I've had out here so far because I feel myself salivating about it. I can't wait to have a bowl tomorrow for breakfast. When Travis took a bite of the soup, he got the eyeball of the turtle, and he gagged. Mari said it was good luck and should eat it, but he kept gagging. He is so pathetic!! Natalie caught a beaver today, and we decided to make it jerky. Jackie didn’t want to eat the turtle, so she said to everyone with a straight face, “I want the beaver!” Needless to say, it made us all laugh until we peed! I am feeling happy today and hopeful. I feel better about being here, but it doesn’t make me feel completely at ease at the thought of being okay. I hope they haven’t given up looking for us, and I know everyone’s family wouldn’t stop looking for us.  7/8/96  I caught two fish, one of which was a salmon (score!!) Natalie and I started making a map by walking around the area and building it together. I had a bowl of turtle broth for breakfast and some fish jerky. a lot of progress with my fishing net. I am about ¾ completed, but I need more stable vining. I feel somewhat like I am PMSing, and I am so not ready to be on my period just yet again out here. I wish I had a pad or tampon out here. All we have is homemade ones out of shirts and stuffing made from cattails fluff. I am about to start because I am much more sad than yesterday.  I miss my mom so much I can’t even help but cry when I think of her face

You violently start to sob and cover your face with your hand after reading the tragic line from your old journal. The journal that you and Shauna started there. It’s been 25 years since you wrote that sentence in the journal, but the statement is never more accurate than it is right now. You felt like you were 18 again. You were a child missing their mother and just want to talk to them about it. About everything, but you couldn’t. There was no way for you to talk to your mother again. Nothing has changed from then to where you are now. 

It was physical proof of your broken mind and heart. The words don’t even sound like you anymore. It was so young and naive, hopeful to no end. But when you see lines like that, you break down like a baby. Maybe it was for all the times you didn’t cry when you should have been out there. 

You felt as you looked at the young woman’s words a feeling of grief that just harassed you in place when you so much as looked at a page. It didn’t matter if it was a sad or mundane page. It always made you break down. You don’t understand why you still have urges to read over your old dairy, but you did almost every week for your whole adult life. Maybe it was a reminder of the dead young girl you used to be or just clinging onto the moments in the wilderness that made you feel whole. It made you feel like you knew everything, your purpose, and the meaning of life, but as time marched forward, you didn’t feel any more in place than you did then.

It wasn’t fair. 

You were just a girl. 

You all were just children. 

You may not have died, but a part of your soul did. Some of you just couldn’t escape those pine trees and butterfly weeds. It’s been a whole lifetime away, but you still haunt yourself. 

It hurt because the words were just as true then as they are now. 

You missed your mom. 

You missed yourself. 

Knock! Bang! Knock! Bang! 

You pause in panic and hold the journal to your chest in fright. You don’t understand. Is it real? It’s dead of night outside, and you live in the middle of nowhere. 

Knock! Bang! Knock! Bang! 

“Hello! (Y/n)! Open up, please!” A familiar feminine voice yells from outside your house. It comes from your backdoor. The glass French doors rattled from the knock from the other, making a vibration ring out into the house and your shaking heart. Your anxiety spikes as you slam your journal shut, and you throw it into the safe, shutting the safe door with a sharp click. You race downstairs and go toward the doors with your heart beating violently against your chest. You don’t know why, but you knew you had to open the door for some reason without a fight. 

You rush to your door in a panic, worried it is one of the team members in trouble and immediately needs you, and quickly unlock the back door. You felt foolish and like you were putting yourself in danger by opening the door when it was dark outside, but the knocking wouldn’t let up.

You rip open the door to come face to face with the big blue eyes of your goddaughter. 

“Callie!?”

“Before you say anything, I need to-“

“Oh my god! Are you alright?” You gasp at her and grab her arms, looking over her small teenage body for any wounds or signs of her being harmed. How did she get here? She doesn’t have her license yet. She lives 3 miles away. She is in her bedclothes and has no coat or a bra.

“What? No, I’m fine.” She says to you in a snapping tone, tired from her journey to your home. She came from the wooded separation between the neighborhoods. You stand in shock, your mouth wide open as you stare at Callie. 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE SO LATE!?” you raged as you grabbed ahold of her arm. You look outside to see if her boyfriend is there in his car. He wasn’t. You pull her into your warm home. “What the hell are you thinking!? It’s 1:20 in the morning!” 

“Jesus Christ, Let me explain, chill!”

“Chill!? Are you serious? Does your mom know you're here?” 

“Like she cares! She thinks I am at Cyanne's house, and I came home, but no one was home.” 

“Callie, of course, she cares about you. She cares a whole shit ton about you.” 

“Sure, she does.” She rolls her eyes softly, looking to the floor to examine her shoes. She is ashamed and defensive and feels foolish for coming here. You can read it all over her face. You take a deep breath. You need to calm down and make her understand.

“Callie, I am freaking out because I love you. Why did you walk to my house in the middle of the night with no coat? Do you know how dangerous that was?” You continued with a stern voice, your hand on her arm again to make her look at you.

She rolls her eyes again, annoyed, “I was okay, alright! I am fine! I was cold, and my feet hurt, that’s it!” 

“You could have run into a dangerous person, you could have gotten lost in the woods-“ 

“I didn’t, OKAY!” 

“Why are you here?” You ask again with her stern tone, your hand holding her tighter to make her look at you.

“My parents are cheating on each other.” She blurted out as she kicked off her shoes. She moves her arm out of your hold to sit on the couch beside your backdoor. You let her push off your hold of her at the words; you feel a sense of guilt come over you again as you lean against the wall. 

Day 2 

The humidity of the July morning breeze made your skin feel sticky as you carried some logs toward the chopping block for the firewood you all would need for the day. You woke up early today, restless as always, and stuff in the neck as you were the day before, and you look down at your tied shoes. Noticing the now caked-on dirt, mud, and leaves that have stained the fabric of your shoes it made you sad to see how dirty they got within only a few months out here.

You lift your head, and to your shock, you stand still in what is in front of you. As you approached the back of the cabin through the woods, you noticed two girls giggling against a tree. You see pale hands holding the tree as they lean into the other girl, their other hand on the other girl's stomach. You almost immediately know it was Taissa and Van making out against a tree. Soft moans from Taissa came out as she arched her back against the tree. You notice Van’s other pale hand down Taissa’s shorts. 

You were in shock as you watched them. You felt dirty for walking in on their intimate moment and pervert for feeling your body tingle at them touching each other. Jealously ran hot in your veins, but embarrassment possessed you stronger. You realize you are watching like a peeping Tom and try to turn away from them.

Snap!

You cringe at the snapping of a branch under your foot. The two girls turn to your snapping branch to find you standing awkwardly behind them with wood logs in your hands. 

“(Y/n)!” “Please, stop-” 

“Guys, it’s, please don’t panic-” You try to calm the two down as they storm towards you. Van’s face was painted red, eyes dressed in worry as Taissa’s face was panicked. 

“(y/n), You can’t tell anyone about this! I’m so sorry you walked in on this, but don’t think that we are lesbians or anything we- we just-” Taissa rambles as she grabs your arm to keep you there. They’re scrambling to find any explanation or excuse to explain the two of them making out against the tree even though there was no way to play down what they did. They still tried, and you just shook your head. 

“Please, it’s okay, I promise-” 

“You can’t tell anyone about this, (y/n)! They can’t find out about us; please don’t.” Taissa panicked again, tears in her eyes. The sight made you pause, and your heart hurt. Seeing how hard they tried to hide their love made you want to cry. 

“Please, (y/n), don’t tell anyone,” Van added with deeply concerned eyes. She kept her hands to her waist, hugging herself, and tried to hide the proof of Taissa on her hands. 

You look at the two with wide eyes as you realize you must calm them down. “I won’t tell anyone about this! I didn’t mean to walk in on you two-’

Taissa completely broke down as you spoke. Her face turned painfully in sadness as she started to cry. Her cheek was red with a lack of breath, and her eyebrows furrowed together tight. She was stressing out and about to have a panic attack. 

You drop your wood logs on the forest floor, approach Taissa, and hug her. She tried to push you off at the first attempt, but at your second, she came into your arms with deep sobs coming from her stomach. 

She wasn’t just crying about you finding out she was gay. 

Your eyes scan towards Van, who bites the cuticle on her finger as she watches anxiously. It seemed to be a death sentence for the two to be found out. You say without hesitation, “I’m not saying a word. You have my word. I would rather die.” 

Van blurts, “(Y/n), it’s okay, but you're not okay with this. We don’t know what to say-” 

“Please, " you say again as you rub Taissa’s back. She is still sobbing quietly in your neck. With tears in your eyes, you say, “I understand. I get it more than you understand.” 

There was a pause in the air after you spoke. Even Taissa calmed her breathing and her cries. 

Van’s eyebrow quirked in confusion, and Taissa, hidden in your neck, seemed to be doing the same. 

You felt brave in this moment with the two completely a mess in their shame and worry. 

“I have known about you two for a while. I didn’t say anything because I was envious of you two. You found each other, and you had each other.” You pause as you try to find the right words. Taissa pulls away to look at you. I never found anyone to be with like you two.” 

“What are you saying?” Van asks, her eyebrow higher on her forehead as she slowly figures out what you are saying. Taissa quietly connects the dots as she listens to you speak. 

You tear up more as you would say it out loud for the first time. You felt emotional. 

“I like girls, Van. I’m gay. I’ve never tried to be with a guy or anything, but I am sure I won’t be getting with anyone who isn’t a woman.” 

They both pause as the moment comes over the three of you. A eureka moment was almost in the air as you looked down at your feet. 

“I’ve known about you two since Randy’s party before leaving for Seattle.” You said as you looked at your feet. “I saw it in the way you two looked at each other. I just knew. I don’t know if anyone who isn’t gay would know, but I knew.” 

You look back up to the two silenced girls and add, feeling yourself vomiting your emotions to the two only people who would understand, “I didn’t say anything because I was happy you two found each other. I was jealous because I didn’t have anyone, but I wouldn’t do that to you. I know how much it would kill me if someone told people before I was ready. I mean, I haven’t even dated a guy before or had sex with one to completely know if I am, but I just never had the urge to be with a guy, so I don’t think I am wrong…”

“(y/n), Why didn’t you tell us?” Taissa asks. She steps closer towards you with a hand holding yours kindly. It touches your heart. 

You choke up as a tear comes to your eye. Van comes towards you, too, with a soft smile. “I don’t know. I didn’t even want to mention it. I don’t want you to think I wanted to do something wrong or that I wanted to break you two up-” 

“Oh, no, no, (y/n), you big dummy.” Van chuckles as she comes to hug you and rubs your back. “We would never think you would do that!”

Taissa agrees instantly. She says, “We didn’t even think you would tell anyone; we were just panicked!” 

‘I know, I get it! So, please believe me when I say the secret is safe with me! I am happy you two are together, and I don’t want to push you before you are ready to say anything. It's none of my business to tell.’ 

“Thank you,” Taissa says again, deeply touched by your words. As you finish speaking, she quickly pulls you into a hug. Van quickly follows suit. She holds a soft smile the whole time. 

You softly cried and said in Taissa’s chest, “You two are the first I’ve ever told. Not even Shauna and Jackie know.” 

It always felt so shameful that you never told your closest friends your true proclivities, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to look them in the eyes and say you liked girls and not guys. Not after years of lying and saying you wanted to fuck random guys you decided you had a crush on, you felt like if you let the truth out to Jackie and Shauna, it would hurt whatever dynamic you had left after your distance because of your mom’s health. You skipped out on so many hangouts, sleepovers, club meetings, and even birthdays with your sandbox best friends, and it has been slowly killing you. They still reached out and acted like nothing changed, but you all know things have shifted to Jackie and Shauna being the best friends, and you are now the tagalong old friend. But since being out in the wilderness, you have been closer to them than ever. Every day the three of you steal away time to talk shit and just be girls for a few hours by the river while you fish. It was slowly feeling like it did back in freshmen year of high school when you three were a true trio, but the growing weight of your mental health and shame for not telling them so many things, being gay being one of them. 

Van rubs a hand on your back as she pushes a hair behind your ear. “I am very happy to be the first to hear it. Thank you for telling me that. I told my big sister, " she confesses. She smiles softly at you, a sadness in her eyes. “She wasn’t super happy about it, but after a while, she acted the same as she always had.”

Taissa nods her head and says with a chuckle, “You are the first I’ve had to tell I was gay without dating them.” 

You chuckle softly back as you pull away from the hug. You say as you look at the two again, “Please, believe me when I say it’s all going to be okay. Just be more careful with people being around.”

After this morning, the day went smoothly. Van went to chop wood, Taissa started cleaning laundry in the lake shortly after your deep confessions, and you went out to fish like always. 

Today was a lucky day in the spring season because you caught a small gray fish and a Salmon. You caught a stray salmon on its way to lay eggs for the season, and it was completely healthy. As you raised the fish from the water, it snapped its tail. 

You returned to camp with your wins, only to find Natalie returning with two more brown rabbits, dragging the small animal back to camp. 

“Hey, pretty lady, what are you doing over there?” she calls as she approaches you on the trail. She seems in good spirits today, walking with a skip in her step, the rifle comfortably hanging from her shoulder. 

“Got a fish, what about you, baby?” You say back with a chuckle at the end, trying to flirt back with her playfully. 

She chuckles with you, a big smile, as she lifts the rabbits in her hand. " I got some dinner.” 

You chuckle again without realizing you feel like a stupid schoolgirl not even listening to Natalie’s words, and you beam to her, “You did well with those traps!” 

Natalie blushes as she chuckles; her hand scratches the back of her neck, and her eyes shy down to the ground. “Yeah, well, you helped me set them up.” 

“It was nothing because you were doing almost all of it.” You giggle offhandedly, and you walk together to the cabin. You then snap your fingers that you remembered a thought you had. “I have an idea to run by you!” 

“What’s up?” 

“I was thinking that maybe we could start making a map of some sort to find a way out because we both go into the woods often.” 

Natalie nodded slowly as she processed what you said, “like how?”

“Like we can draw the cabin as the center and then draw everything around it until we are as far as we can go.” You say with a shrug as you reach the cabin. Girls circle the fire, talking, working on firewood, hanging and sewing clothes on the line. 

Natalie looks at you as you both place the animals on the table in the cabin for Coach Scott to skin for cooking later. “I see. You're saying we piece together everything we know until we get enough coverage to find a way out?” 

“Yeah! I don’t know, but can we figure it out while we go? Like when we are bored, we draw more to the map.” 

“Yeah, okay, I like this plan.” She smiles as she slowly looks over your face. With a cute shrug, she says, “I’m happy I’m doing something. Gives me a reason to steal your time.” 

You giggle a little at the comment, trying not to take it as a clear hint that she wants to be with you. You say, “You always steal some of my time away, baby.” 

“I just want more.” Natalie smiled at you playfully as she slid away from you in the kitchen doorway to the other living space. You felt yourself smile to yourself in a flustered state, huffing out air. “Holy shit.” You mumble as you walk from the table to the back of the cabin. 

‘21

You lean against the wall with your eyes wide. You study Callie’s distraught face and see her lip quivering.

“My mom is cheating on my dad, and my dad is never home because his stupid fucking database needs work on, but it’s all just bullshit!” Callie says with a quiver in her voice, and tears come to her eyes, and she continues to say, “I am so sick of this shit!” 

You stay quiet because you feel like she just wants to yell out her frustrations at you, and you want her to calm down. 

“My mom asks me how I am or my day at school, but she doesn’t care about me! She doesn’t know what music I am, she doesn’t like my clothes, she hates my boyfriend, I can’t do this.” She has fat tears rolling down her face as she rages on. She tries to keep up the front that she is nonchalant and doesn’t care even though it is failing. “She just looks at me with these cold fucking eyes. I can’t stand it anymore. She looks at me and doesn’t see me at all! I am just a roommate to her!”

“Callie, that is not true. Your mother loves you.” 

“No, she doesn’t. She fucking hates me.” 

You stop yourself from yelling at her by closing your eyes and covering your mouth. You had a painful flash of a memory as she says that, of a bloody pile of rags used in the wilderness that old winter night when Shauna was in labor for the first time. You remember her cries that rattled your soul and caused you to have a tear in your eye. You could never bring yourself to speak about the baby before her, and it wasn’t your place to tell Callie something so heartbreaking about her mother. It didn’t stop your heart from breaking. 

“Callie, stop-“

“I know she is fucked up, and she is traumatized, but she doesn’t care how she traumatizes me.” She says with her eyes full of angry tears, and she points to herself with her hands, but her eyes grow wide as she looks at you across from her after that sentence.

You just stood there emotionless against the wall, with your eyes losing color as she paused to reflect on what she said. You sigh deeply. You slide down a wall for the second time tonight as you softly raise your eyebrow at her and look away for a second. You take out the pack of cigarettes in your sweatpants pocket, and you put one in your mouth.

“I’m going to let you in on a little something,” you pause to light your cigarette, “something about the woods.” 

You see her eyes keep wide and watery as she hugs her arms around her belly. She is focused on what you are saying but says nothing, scared of what will happen.

“Your mom, Jackie, and I have been best friends since kindergarten. We met playing house at recess and were always at each other's hips.” You say as you take a puff of your stick, looking at Callie with soft eyes, “I knew how your mother was when we were young. She was stubborn and guarded with her emotions; sometimes, Jackie and I couldn’t figure out what she was thinking. She hid some things from us but always told us eventually.” 

You stand up and sit next to Callie on your couch. You stare at the floor in front of you. Not her as you continue, you want to vomit, “But when we got out there, uh, the things that happened,” you pause yourself as you feel your lip quiver, “You have heard what people say about us, how they whisper what we did and what we did to each other to survive, is not as bad as it did go, honey.” You say with honesty dripping in your haunted tone, and you are in a faze staring at the burls in your hardwood floors. You know what you said was too dark and too vague not to continue as she sits beside you with bated breath. “People passed away out there because the winters were so cold that death felt like going to sleep. People passed away because they were trying to hunt, and wolves found them.” You stopped yourself again as you felt a tear fall from your eye. You weren’t even in your own body as you kept talking. It is somewhat the truth, mostly a lie, but still, the same reality you lived. You didn’t need to tell her the truth just yet. 

You didn’t even look at the girl in the corner of your eye. Callie stared in awe as you spoke about the unspeakable—the crash and surviving the wilderness. Tears formed in Callie’s eyes as she looked at her godmother. She was emotionally and mentally affected by what had happened just from speaking vaguely about it, thinking about you as a teenager going through all that, and thinking about her mother as a teenager in that situation, too.

“I need you to know what happened out there changed your mother. It kept her alive. It’s why she is here today, baby.” You say as you slowly turn to look at Callie. You push your goddaughter's hair behind her ear as your face stays still, tears running down her young, flustered cheeks. “When we lost Jackie, me and your mom were never the same. Something died within us. And every time you come face to face with the death of a friend like that, it kills something inside of you. It’s hard having kids of your own when you have known so many dead children at one time…”

You put your cigarette out as it reached the filter of the stick, and you flicked the rest into the small ashtray on the corner table.  “Callie, you are the age we were when all that happened. I know that in some small part when she looks at you, she sees what she could have been if it hadn’t been for the crash. And maybe it’s why she isn’t close to you right now or why she isn’t up your ass wondering what you're doing. Because she wants you to have a good time and do the stupid teenager stuff. She will never tell you that, though.” You say with a smile to Callie and a nudge to her side. You look at the calmed-down girl who looked deep in thought with her hands on her knees, 

You add to her ear with a warm tone to your voice again, your hand on her shoulder. “She loves you. Period. She worries sick about you, and she couldn’t put you down when you were born because she worried you would go away if she let you go, Callie. But she couldn’t be a mother like she could have been if your mom had never been out there in those woods, even if that doesn’t make that easier for you or make it fair… it was some really dark times out there for your mother, and that’s why she is not as emotionally open like other mothers. I’m sorry, Callie, but please don’t think your mother loves you.”

“Okay.” 

“And with that being said, what is happening with your mom and dad is between them. Stay out of it. I don’t know what is happening, but you have no part. They love you, no question, even if they are cheating. I understand it is affecting you and making you uncomfortable, but you can’t get involved with your parents. Okay.” You add that as you nudge her with your shoulder with a big smile. She softly smiles back with a shake of her head. 

“Fine.” She sighs, defected. 

You stand before your stove as you fry eggs in a pan. You yawn as you sip on your coffee. Your eyes still have a sleep crust in the corners of your eyes. You woke early to make breakfast for the sleeping Callie on your old sofa. Last night, after your long talk with Callie, you led her to your comfy sofa with the TV controller. You have her a pillow and a throw blanket to sleep on as you sit in your dad's old recliner. You let Callie put the TV on CartoonNetwork on some show she liked as a kid. You didn’t care much for its colorful characters or their loud laughing, but you leaned back as you heard Callie softly snore beside you in the living room. You leaned on your fist as you napped until the morning birds chirped outside your window. 

You made a big breakfast for the two of you, including eggs, bacon, toast, and a fruit salad bowl. When you hear the teenager walking down the hallway connecting to the kitchen, she slumps into a counter chair. She looks comfortable and relaxed at your house, as you always do when you watch her. 

“Good morning, Callie. How did you sleep?” You asked as you poured yourself another cup of coffee.

She yawns with her arms wide stretching, and she says in a deep yawn, “Good! I’m starving!” 

You chuckle as you place the fruit bowl before her and fry her eggs, “Eat up. You came at the right time. I needed to get rid of some food.” 

Callie chuckled as she threw a blackberry into her mouth. She says, “See, your favorite goddaughter coming over wasn’t such a bad thing.” 

“No, but sneaking out of your house at midnight and crossing town to my house isn’t so cool.” As you look at the side of your face to her, you want her to know you’re not over the danger she put herself in to talk to. “You couldn’t have called me to pick you up.” 

“You would have said no.” 

“I might have, but you would have been safe.” 

Callie sighed and took another berry in her mouth, slumping back in the chair almost defectively. You sigh in return as you plate the buttery egg for the child, “Listen, I love you. I care about your safety and feelings, okay? I would have come to your house and taken you out for ice cream or something. I wasn’t doing much then anyways, just picking out an outfit.” 

Callie looks at you with big, soft eyes as you push the plate toward her. She just keeps her head down as you speak. Callie picks up a fork and eats the hot eggs and bacon. She mumbles as she eats, “Thank you for talking to me last night. About what happened.” 

You move beside her, slumping into the chair. " Any time, I’ll always be there for you.” 

“Why were you picking out an outfit at 1 in the morning?” Callie chuckled as she spoke, completely taken from your comment earlier. 

You chuckle and say, “I’m promoting my book at a convention soon, so I was trying to find something cute.” 

“Can I help you?” She asks you with big eyes, pleading for a yes, and shoves the hot egg into her mouth. 

You chuckle and nod, “Finish your breakfast, and we can look around.”

Day 3

You and Natalie decided to start the map idea today. You went west towards the plane. There were enough animals that you both felt comfortable not fishing for the day, so you could devote more time to mapping the area. Today was the hottest day this week, and just walking to the front door from getting dressed made you sweat like a pig. 

“Alright, I’m going to head north, and you go to the plane, try to find out what's beyond that big ass tree.” Natalie says to you casually as she readjusts the rifle strap on her shoulder. She looks over you softly. 

You nod as you hold onto the strap of your purse, which you emptied to use as your forage bag—it just so happens to hold your remaining cigarettes. “Okay, I’ll try to get back at sundown, but I might take some rest.” 

“Please do. Try to get under some shade and stay out of the sun.”

“I’ll try. You better try, too. You're so pale you’ll get sunburnt just standing right here.” 

Natalie chuckled and shook her head, turning herself around to walk in her direction for her hunting, “Sundown!” 

You smile and turn away towards the trail, “Sundown!” 

You then march forward in the familiar trail down the forest. The way to the plane crash was like the back of your hand at this point. The once long and narrow path has become comfortable to travel through from Natalie and Travis. 

The heat surrounded your skin, creating a sticky film that dripped down every curve of your plush body. You felt a sweat drop from your back and collect on your bra’s clasp. The heat was getting to you, but you kept yourself under the shade of the tall trees. You would have already been resting if you were directly under the sun. 

 A pale-barked tree with lime leaves had dark branch scars on its flesh, standing at a curve in the trail, looking like almond eyes staring down at you in random directions. It was natural for birch trees to have lower branches to break off so that the plant could focus on the top branches that face the sun, but the scars of the branches falling age into the almost furrowed fiber. It was unreal but completely natural. As it was unnerving, it was beautiful. You stop yourself in awe at the simple, complex, tall plant; it is skinny but tall enough to be at least 50 years old and 60 feet tall and stare up in wonder at the peaks of sunlight through the cotyledon. As you gently let your eyes glance down, the slight curve of its shape as it comes to its base. 

The symbol stares at you. You softly raise your eyebrow as you stare down at the carving. It had to be new because it was at eye level with you, but it was faded enough not to be made by one of your teammates. Was it the mummy in the attic that made this? Or was it someone else? You were always so confused as you looked at the odd shape in the bark that your finger ran across the image out of a sudden urge. Your finger glides against the triangle, the short arms of the descending sides, the long diagonal line that crosses the entire shape, a crowned circle to the point on the top, and then a crooked hook at the base. You sighed to yourself as you moved away from the birch tree to continue on the trail. Your finger tingled with the friction.

You passed the old plane with a stiff, steady foot away from the eerie sight. Since the crash, you had wanted nothing to do with planes. The thought alone of being suspended in the air made your heart squeeze in your chest, and your stomach turn. You didn’t look at the white exterior as you rushed past the beast. 

When you get past the wide thick dark brown oak tree, aka big ass tree, that had moss dominating the left side, at least 150 years old, you walk forward on the tall grass. You look down at the ground and try to find anything worth taking back as you walk forward, making the map a wonderful excuse to forage. 

The summer has been a little dry in the last few weeks, with insufficient rain. The grass is turning brown in places as you move forward. The ground was barren of any nuts or mushrooms. You glace up, and you pause. 

In front of you was the old, wide, thick tree again, and the plane was just behind you again. You looked behind yourself to be sure of it. 

The plane was behind you again like you hadn’t walked at least five feet away from it. 

A breeze brushed against your side, moving the baby hairs on your cheek as you studied the tree in front of you in confusion. 

The timber has deep lines embedded in the tree's grain, and the moss grew on every pendant's surface. The swirls of the fiber were enchanting to look at and find where the line goes, but you pull yourself back from the beauty of the wood. You pull your crop top up to your face and wipe the multiple drops of sweat trailing down your nose and cheeks. 

 You march forward with some determination, trying to solve this problem. It made no sense. 

You walk past the mossy oak tree again and go towards the crowd of trees in front of you that goes on and on. Your eyebrow quirks stay on your forehead as you continue on your journey. 

And you walk forward towards the detritus as expected. The crunch of dead leaves and branched cry under your feet as you walk faster forward. Your eyes softened as you glanced around the environment, and you felt the uneasiness of whatever happened to melt from your shoulders. You reason that you must have turned yourself around when looking down at the mushrooms. You feel your mind wander as you march forward. You look up absentmindedly to look at the leaves above your head for some kind of entertainment. 

Your eyes level back to their natural direction, and when you do, they widen in terror. 

The cabin was before you, and Natalie was next to you. She looked at you nonchalantly and said, “Please do. Try to get under some shade and stay out of the sun.”

You freeze in place as you stare at the bleach blonde with a cold sweat coming over you. You felt the sweat collected from the hike you just had, and it felt like you spilled in time back to your conversation over 45 minutes ago. 

“Hey, are you alright?” Natalie asked concernedly, her hand touching your upper arm to reassure you. She noticed how much you were sweating and was completely confused. How could you be so sweaty from walking from the cabin to the fire pit?? 

You just stare into her eyes, feeling scared, “Wha-what?” 

“I said to stay out of the sun. Are you alright? Are you sure you're up for it today? It’s really hot.” Natalie says as she looks you over. She notices the pale complexion on your face and how your hands softly shake. “We haven’t looked past the tree, but you shouldn’t be scared.”

It was like you didn’t walk away. It felt wrong. This was wrong.

“I know, sorry! I’m getting a little lightheaded because my period is coming.” You lie, trying to find any excuse for acting so strange to her. 

She raised an eyebrow and questioned what was happening to the girl beside her, and she said, “Okay… Just take some water with you. Take as many breaks as you need.” 

“I will.” You say and nod. You must have imagined walking past the plane if you hadn’t left this conversation like nothing happened. You take the plastic red water bottle Natalie handed you with a soft smile and worried eyes.

“(Y/n), if you get tired, just head home. We can always come back to it; don’t overwork yourself.” 

“I’ll try not to. I will come back as soon as possible, I promise.”

“Okay, try to get back at sunset, " she says as she softly steps back and starts to head in her direction to hunt. Her gun hits the back of her thigh as she stares you down. Please don’t overdo It.”

“Okay, be careful,” you mutter back to her as you watch her walk off in her direction as she did in the morning. You remember everything, and it’s happening again. 

You shook your head to yourself as you turned yourself around, “I’m fucking crazy.” You thought as you walked the trail again, but you knew for certain you had traveled, and there was no question in the ache of your feet. 

You get to the carved birch tree once again with its dark eyes. You don’t give it or the plane so much of a glance as you continue to the mossy oak. 

You felt focused on your mission to understand how you got turned around so badly when you got back home, ignoring the fact you walked into a conversation you already had. You let your hand touch the moss on the left side of the oak as a marker in your memory if it was truly tricking you.

 As the hour passes, you rush to see beyond the oak tree and familiar trees. You just needed a landmark to find it to draw, and you would head back. It didn’t need to be so confusing. You walk past the oak tree to the sea of timber to find a boring environment again, no trail to have your eyes look down to or rocks to stumble on, as you see the sparkles of light and birds resting in branches above. Your focus again relaxed even with your sharp mind, and your eyes glance down to your shoes again. 

Your eyes look at your laces as you walk forward in routine. You took a deep breath as you tried to calm the nerves building in your body, and as you looked up, it felt like it shot whatever efforts you made to soothe yourself. You still your movements to the feeling of your heart dropping to your stomach.  

Again, the pale-barked tree with lime leaves stares back at you on the curve of the trail. You didn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense. 

You walked straight past the oak tree, glancing behind the birch tree to peek at the fat tree standing in the background of the plane. Then, you closed your eyes slowly. 

Your lower lip quivers as your eyebrows furrow, and your teeth catch your salty lip. You swallow the spit collecting in your cheeks, holding a cry in your throat—a big drop of sweat rolls down your neck from the back of your head. 

Why are you so emotional right now? 

Why does it feel pointless? All of it. The trail, the map, the fucking point of trying to find a way out. It felt like everything was up against you, and you know rationally that it was mostly true.

You weren’t going to help anything. You are not fit enough to go more than a mile before you get tired, and you can’t help but get lost. 

It’s a trail in the ground. How could you get turned around in circles? 

Halting in your tracks, you covered your tear-covered eyes as watery tears ran down your cheeks, mixing with your sweat. 

You don’t know what to do. 

“Dad would know what to do. He knew what to do for everything out here.” You thought as your lip curls in a deep frown, pushing down a sob to the bottom of your stomach. 

You wanted to hit yourself on the side of your head, and you wanted to scream into the bright green leaves that looked down at you with indifference. 

You didn’t listen to your dad about everything. You wanted to hit yourself for every time you didn’t listen, and you didn’t care about what he was saying, didn’t absorb everything he gave you so lovingly. You wanted to crawl into his arms and be rocked like you were as a child. You wanted to feel the safety of his strong chest and arms around you. You are never going to feel it again. 

The river ran down your cheeks as your feet started to march forward. 

You felt stupid. Ashamed somehow. And overwhelmingly devastated.

 It was fucking hotter than hell outside. 

You slap your hand that covers your eyes to your side. You look down at your shoes, walking through the dry grass and dirt. You say to yourself, as you hiccup a cry, “This sucks.” 

As you expected, you look to find the brown curvy tree again. You stop again as you wipe away the sweat from your brow and the wetness collecting at your upper lip. A breeze gracefully brushes against your back. 

You sigh as you focus on yourself again. You wipe your face again with your black crop top and wipe your clammy hands on your thighs. You walked on. It felt like you were walking into a wall and expecting something different. 

As you walk forward, you look at the oak tree, which is mossy and dominates the right side of the plant. This made you pause again this morning. As you stared at the tree, you wanted to pull your hair from the roots. 

Wasn’t the moss on the left side? 

You couldn’t be mistaken. You knew this tree. It’s the tree you slept under when the aftermath cuddled beside Jackie and Shauna. It was the tree you collected kindling for your first fire out here. The moss was on the left. 

You fucking touched it, for god sake. You are not crazy. 

Why is it now on the right? 

You put your hand on the mossy side as you walked past it not even 15 minutes ago. You don’t know how you could have been turned around from looking down at your feet. It was in the direction you left from; it was on the left, not the right. 

You threw your hands up in defeat, and a dry laugh came from your throat, tears streaming down again. You were too hot to think straight, but you felt an itch in your skin. You were so confused.

You walk towards the right side, lift your leg over a thorny bush, and start walking forward.

It wasn’t like it was before. It was a rocky and uneven terrain that made your aching feet uncomfortable. The crowd of trees was as it always was. You hiccuped at the end of your cries. 

You stumble on a sharp rock, fall forward, and catch yourself with your knees and elbows on the grass. 

You hiss a moan of pain, and you sit up on your knees. You wipe dirt and blades of grass from your elbows. You look back up to the dark branch scars of the single birch tree at the curve in the trail. 

You didn’t cry this time as you stood up. You sniffled and looked on with fear. You are losing it. Maybe you're having heatstroke? 

The birch tree with lime leaves and eyes staring down at you with almost a mocking laugh. You felt a scowl grow on your lip as you walked forward stubbornly. You just fucking can’t understand. 

You think for a moment and can’t remember this strange birch tree. You don’t remember when you and Taissa found the lake, and you don’t even remember a curve in the trail. You thought birch trees grow in their groves and asexually sprout saplings around themselves. Sure, the seeds could have been eaten and taken to this specific spot, but not a single seedling for an adult healthy tree made no sense. 

Nothing fucking made sense.

You find yourself in front of the oak tree again, almost dizzy from the turning around you have done today. The sun's heat beats on the crown of your head, and you feel a boiling sensation. You stare down at the bark of the oak, seeing the moss collect on the left side as it always has. 

It was like the trees were messing with you and laughing. The leaves stare down at you with a snicker on their lips. 

“Fuck it.” You spat out in frustration. You didn’t stop your leg kicking out to the tree, kicking the moss. The growth softly lands on the sole of your shoe and the tow box of your beaten shoes. You give up. “I don’t get it.” You say to yourself as a breeze comes over your burning face. 

You turn around and see the curve of the birch tree move. You pause again as you look on, glaring at the change. You are paranoid.

The tree’s bark and scars moved in front of your eyes, and the curve on the side of the wood slinked into what seemed like a feminine hip. 

You feel like you weren’t in your body as you wanted the tree morph in front of you. It completely moved two smaller scars to the center eye level to you, and it seemed to slowly open one of the scars like someone waking up from a deep sleep.

(Y/e/c) flashes in the new pocket as you feel your body launch back to the trail, running back to the cabin. You felt a scream rip out of your lip as you ran past the tree with a chill tickling your spine. 

And you ran.

You look behind yourself to see a sapling next to the birch tree. It looked like a woman with her arms above her head, and what could have been hair stood up tall, her fingers connecting with her hair with leaves and seeds dancing. The body curves and leans to the side as if it looks at you running away with a studying eye. 

You don’t look back after that. You stumble and panic your way through the sunsetting light. You felt unaware tears spilling as you tried to stay straight on the trail. 

The sun was set when you reached the cabin, and the stars shone brightly above you. Time must have escaped you like your sanity. You puff out the pants of breath you had, and you can’t help yourself from feeling exhausted. 

Natalie and Shauna sat at the porch steps waiting for you, the spring from their spot as they heard your footsteps.

“Oh my god, (y/n)!” “Dude! I said sunset! We were about to go out to look for you!”

You pant as you come to the two girls. They grab your sweaty form, and you look down to the ground as a sharp breath travels down your throat. You wanted to vomit how much you were exerting yourself. You knew you couldn’t tell the truth; they didn’t need to know how bad you were getting.

“I’m so sorry! I fell asleep and woke up, and I rushed back! Am alright, just fucking ran like hell.” 

Shauna chuckles and punches your arm harshly, “You could have been hurt! Of course, you were just napping!” 

Natalie shook her head softly at the confession and chuckled, but her eyes remained stern. " You can’t be trusted alone anymore. I have to babysit you because you need your baby naps.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You huffed in your still panting breath. You point your middle finger at Natalie as the two laugh, pulling you towards the cabin. Something bothers your foot inside your shoe, making you want to kick it off.

You follow them without a fight, and a growl in your stomach loudly grumbles as you enter the cabin. Most of the others were in their sleeping bags and makeshift beds on the ground of the living space, some in the kitchen. 

Misty sits up from her spot and whispers, “Is (y/n) back?” 

“Yeah, she's here. All's good.” Shauna says to Misty as she walks past you to the kitchen. “I’m getting your dinner.” 

“Me too.” Natalie says as she follows behind Shauna with a concerned face. 

Misty sits down with a big smile and says, “I’m happy you're back, (y/n).” 

“Thank you.” You say to her without smiling, moving yourself to your bags. 

You wanted to peel the sticky fabric off your body, completely change every piece of clothing you had, and take another bath. 

“Is she back?” You heard Coach Scott ask the girls in the other room with sleep in his voice. There was a conversation you would hear, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to listen to. You wanted to lay down on your pillow.

It seemed well past 10 while everyone took a rest. You couldn’t wrap your head around how what felt like a 3-hour journey into an 11-hour one. You didn’t have the energy to care much, though. As you pulled your shoe from your foot, a pile of moss stumbled out from the inside, littering your sock with small moss fur.

You throw your shoe to the side, rip your sock off, and moss is even between your toes.

You stood up, disgusted and anxious. You pulled your crop top off, wanting to shred every piece of the day away. Then, you pulled a long pink shirt from your jean shorts, and lime-colored leaves fell inside your clothes. 

The birch tree leaves.

You look down at the floor beside your feet at the pile of leaves and moss all around you as if you rolled around in the earth. You looked at your hands to find dirt under your nails as if you were digging for roots. 

“(Y/n)?” 

You turn your head sharply at Jackie. She lays beside your makeshift bed and looks up at you with big eyes. “Are you okay, (y/n)? You seem spazzed out.” 

You shook your head and said, “I think I started my period, and I am covered in dirt.” 

She chuckled and said, “That sucks, okay! I freak out every time I bleed out here.”

You nodded your head with a chuckle, lost in your own head, “Yeah, now I have to clean-“ 

When you look down at the ground, you see only a birch leaf and moss fur. 

“I have to clean myself.” You finish your sentence, and you rub your eyes. “I think the heat is getting to me, too.”

“It’s okay! Lay under the window.” Jackie smiles as if she solved the problem and closes her eyes. 

You were going fucking crazy.

❀ A03 ❀ wattpad ❀ spotify playlist  ❀

Taglist: @zhivaxo @h-doodles @homopheli @bigtimesalt8196 @juniperjean @scatorccioz @juniperjean @yaakooi @lottieswebs @juchily @freezinggay @deathly710-blog @ghostoflesbianism @marvelous-wandanatangel @errriiie @anskkks @deathvidal @slutforhotpeople @thursdayygrrrl @day-ziez @evewasheretoday @mayasaurusss @captainbabybear @eleanormall @mommyeater2000 @leonchef @mikititta @tigersarrcool @nyasbae @dykepvppy @jax1118 @oakwave @mmiah @dvrkhcld @swiftin0f @opheliadeservedbetter-27 @psychicdreamwonderland @pinkmoonzzz @under-your-bed-not-in-it @sadsapphic-rose @fictitious-sapphic @gayandfairycore @lttllmb @gigabitemyass @happy647 @alyssaisntdoingalright @kandicanesworld @theworldscalamity @yeziisblog @bigbenis4life @shuribabymama @ih3artjooo @goldusttt @grimzzuhhhhhhh @sapphic-lil-lime @powercake @urmommyluvrr @astrasmindpalace @cstar-hi @only3my

[rhiannonsknife]

ok ok i will be the one to break the rhiannon/jackie streak, do u have any shauna gf hcs? whether it be pre-crash, during the wilderness, adult shauna?

── .✦ DATING SHAUNA SHIPMAN

— summary: dating shauna shipman pre-crash hcs

— warnings: established, secret relationship. gn!reader. fluff. angsty ending (couldn’t help myself).

— a/n: bless you anon!! my first ever shauna request, we’re breaking the jackie/rhiannon spell!

shauna who always passes you secret notes in class!

you and shauna both pass notes back and forth in class, a quiet, sweet ritual that she never skips, no matter how many times you’ve seen each other that day. sometimes they’re little doodles, other times they’re more vulnerable glimpses of her thoughts and pieces of herself she can’t say out loud. she always finds it easier to write her emotions down, rather than talking about them. you’ve obviously seen the journal she keeps and you know that she will scribble her thoughts down whenever she’s got the chance, whether it’s something insignificant or something that genuinely upsets her. shauna passes you notes in class, talking all about how pretty she thinks you are, and then blushes furiously when you bring it up afterward.

shauna who offers to help you study, but ends up being the biggest distraction

study sessions at the library or one of your bedrooms start off focused, but usually end up with her leaning against you, talking about everything but the assignment. she knows the subject (because, of course, she does) and you -unfortunately- don’t care enough about it to prioritize it over a good conversation with your girlfriend and some quality time. the consequences only catch up with you when exam season is right around the corner, and you spent all your time cuddling in bed or talking about anything but school. then, she really helps you with your schoolwork, staying up late to tutor you and keep you company. “you do the same for me,” she’ll shrug. you would, but you both know damn well you couldn’t if you wanted to.

shauna who secretly loves to show off at soccer practice or an important match.

she’d never admit it but she loves it when you come to practice with her after class, watching her and the other girls from the bleachers. she is obviously focused on the field, yet she always manages to sneak glances your way when she thinks no one’s looking. after a big win, she’ll always run up to you first because she knows you’ll be there, by the sidelines, cheering her and the team on! shauna will ignore the other celebrations, just searching for you to share the victory. a quick, deep hug or a soft kiss behind the bleachers means more to her than the game itself.

shauna who always makes up for having to hide your relationship.

being from a small town with prying eyes, you often have to keep things as lowkey as possible in public, but she makes up for it by being extra affectionate in private. she’ll tuck her head into the crook of your neck, or reach for your hand, as if holding onto you makes her feel more like herself. i think she’s a lot more into physical touch than one would expect, especially when it’s just the two of you together! when you have the rare chance to spend a quiet morning together, she’s extra gentle, lacing her fingers with yours and resting her head on your shoulder. <33

shauna, who shares her plans of a future with no one but you.

not even jackie knows that she’s planning on leaving as soon as anyhow possible. no one but you does. she dreams of getting out of town, and sometimes the two of you will sit in her car, talking for hours about the life you’d build together somewhere far away. especially as graduation gets closer, shauna becomes increasingly restless and quiet whenever the future comes up. one night, she confesses, “everyone keeps talking about college, moving away, and all that, but i just…i don’t know if i’m ready to let go.” she’d look at you, her voice a little shaky. “i mean, what if…what if we don’t see each other as much? what if everything changes?” you’d reassure her: you definitely won’t be the reason she doesn’t get to achieve her dreams.

shauna, who lets you borrow her clothes!!

she loves when you’re stealing your clothes: hoodies, t-shirts, anything you can ‘sneak’ away with. you always return them with the scent of your perfume on them, which might be the reason why shauna likes it so much! also: the first time she sees you wearing her soccer jersey, with her name and number on your back, she is WEAK! she loves lending you her jacket, the kind she’d say she “doesn’t even like” (she wears it all the time) but she’d smile seeing you wearing it, adding quietly, “looks better on you, anyway”

shauna, whose room is dedicated to all the memories you’ve made together.

her walls her plastered with pictures of the two of you and she keeps a small stash of polaroids hidden in one of her drawers: moments she’s captured that no one else knows about. sometimes she’ll get them out and look through them at night, feeling a rare warmth in knowing she has these tiny pieces of happiness all to herself <3

shauna, who calls you at the absolute crack of dawn.

she loves to call you late at night, talking about everything and nothing. her voice gets quieter as she says, “i just like knowing you’re there, you know?” shauna sometimes goes on about jackie, too, mostly because they’re so close and she’s frustrated that her best friend seems to have everything figured out. you’re the only one who knows that her feelings for jackie are complicated -to say the least- and layered, and you do your best to reassure her without jealousy, knowing she chose you for a reason. other times, she’ll literally fall asleep over the phone and you’ll be there to hear the way her breathing grows softer until, eventually, she’s snoring through the receiver.

shauna who is lowkey secretly affectionate!!

she acts so composed around her friends, but in private, shauna’s all about hand holding and little forehead kisses!! also, hugs from behind?? sneaking up on you and then suddenly wrapping her arms around you and peppering the back of your neck in kisses?? and don’t even get me started on the cuddles she gives! she’ll blush and laugh it off, muttering, “you’re making me so soft,” before giving you another kiss anyway or burying herself deeper in the crook of your neck.

shauna, who is also kind of protective over you.

and, honestly, the same goes for you too: at parties, you’re always on edge when you see shauna drinking or getting roped into something reckless. she brushes it off, claiming she’s fine, but you can tell there’s a part of her that’s pushing boundaries to feel something more intense. if anyone even hints at giving you trouble, she’s quick to stand up for you. shauna will always find her ways to make sure you know you’re safe with her, even if it’s just a hand on your back or a quick glare at anyone who looks at you the wrong way. but also!! shauna, who becomes a whole new level of protective when you’re sick! when you come down with a cold, she surprises you by coming over with a bag full of snacks, soup, and a stack of dvds. she tries to play it off casually, saying, “don’t get any ideas! i’m just here to make sure you’re not dying or anything” but, as she settles in beside you, she ends up fussing over you, adjusting your blanket and checking your temperature with the back of her hand.

shauna who absolutely adores it when you run your fingers through her hair.

when things get overwhelming for either of you. shauna loves nothing more than to just sit quietly with you. she doesn’t even need to talk or do anything special, just being with you, feeling your presence, grounds her. but what she loves the most is when you run your hands through her hair, even if she’s shy about asking for it. on bad or stressful days, she’ll lie with her head in your lap, letting your fingers soothe her, the sensation melting away her worries for just a little while.

shauna who annotates her favorite books for you!!

i can’t believe i’m only coming up with this now: she would 100% annotate all of her favorite novels for you, scribbling down her thoughts and highlighting her favorite paragraphs!! if you have to read a book for school that you’re absolutely not interested in, she’d do the same thing for you, trying to make the experience just a little more enjoyable and rewarding for you!! oh reading together?? specifically shauna reading to you while you rest your head in her lap??

shauna who journals about you.

half of her journal entries are about you and your relationship. she keeps little things from your dates, like a movie ticket, a flower you picked for her, or a picture she took of you and collects them between the pages of said journal!!

shauna who, after all of these things, disappears from your life.

not just from your life specifically, but everyone’s. when she tells you about the trip, there’s an unease you can’t shake. you were there when they won states and you know the nationals are next. and still, your intuition tells you that something is wrong. you don’t get a chance to say goodbye the way you want: no real hug, no lingering kiss, just a quick goodbye with friends around. the memory of that rushed, simple parting would haunt you for a long time…

shauna, who has written you letters she never got to give you before the plane crash.

shauna had a habit of writing letters to you late at night, pouring out all her fears, frustrations, and hopes. she’s kept them hidden in a box under her bed, along with the polaroids, convinced she’ll never show them to you. each letter is a reminder of just how much you meant to her, even if she couldn’t always say it aloud. you stumble upon them during the long hours you spent in her room after they go missing and take them home with you. every time, during those months, that you find yourself forgetting the sound of her voice or the words she’d used, you get them out and they’ll bring it all back to you.

[was-that-a-pun]

Hear me out!Hear me out!....What if Susan or Greg (may both) fall in the dough instead of Jack and become Concept!Doey. Honestly, it can be linked to the Detective Susan au cuz in the process of saving Jack, they sacrifice themselves ...

I hear you and I love you.

This took me so long to decide on how this au would go but I finally settled on something. I think it's its own separate thing from the detective au.

Okay so in this AU Susan and George are standing closer to Jack during the tour, close enough for Susan to hear the metal stressing when Jack leans against the handrail. She's starting to say something when it gives and she jolts forward grabbing him and tossing him back onto the walkway but falling herself. George grabs her arm but the momentum and weight pull him right over the edge with her.

Chaos, sobbing, alarms, a bunch of press releases from Playtime about this unfortunate tragedy and their efforts to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.

Jack, once all is said and done, is released to Playcare and joins the other orphans. Michael takes him under his wing cause of course he does he's like that with nearly all the new kids. Kevin also bonds with him. While Jack isn't as laid back as Joseph is he also doesn't hold any accidents or outbursts Kevin might have against him and continuously seeks him out to play with.

Some time later Jack is pulled from Playcare by a group of scientists to 'help them' with something they wont elaborate on and he's escorted to a new area he's never been to before and told they just need him to go into this room here.

This is a lot sooner than 1322 Report: Jack vhs happens in canon, since with two full grown adults making up concept!Doey they're much more stable without needing to add anyone else into the mix. But this is still soon enough after the accident. They've only barely started to pull themselves together and are struggling to sort out what parts of them is who and what now is mixed too much into the whole and how to think.

“Um… Hi, um...Doey?!”

*shifting sound no reaction*

“The doctors said my mom and dad would be here? Do you know where they are Doey?...mr.doey >_>”

*Susan and George’s thoughts start to align that the voice talking to them is familiar and all their attention goes into turning their head to look at him*

“Can I tell you a secret though? I think they got mixed up I...I know what happened. I know mom and dad are gone now. I miss them though Mr. Doey. I shoulda stayed closer to em, shoulda listened better. I *sniffle* I know it was my fault.”

*Finally manages to look at him and recognize that this is definitely their son. Immediately starts struggling to move toward him wanting to comfort him*

“J-jackie?!”

“I- yeah! That’s what my mom calls me! How did you know?”

*struggling and sloshing to get off the hospital bed and closer to him*

“Dad – Mom – me. Not – gone...here we’re – here”

*Jack is silent as he tries to sort out what they mean, not running as they slog toward him.*

“our bbbooyyy”

*It finally clicks for him and he’s instantly tearing up*

“Wait but you, how, mom? Dad? Both of you are?”

*Just before they can put a hand to his cheek and pull him into a hug an alarm sounds and the room fills with red smoke in a rush, Jack drops almost instantly and is rushed out by gas masked employees while Doey rages and tries to keep them from taking him.*

Jack is returned to Playcare like nothing had happened, he knows it wasn’t a dream though and tells Matthew and Kevin what happened and that he’d gonna get out and find him parents.

They assume it’s the usual fantasy kids tend to have when they’re first orphaned, your dead parents turning out not to actually be dead (though turning into your favorite toy is a new spin) and humor him. Matthew encourages him not to do anything too dangerous while Kevin helps him to plan his escape (partially because if he’s involved he can help the kid from getting hurt or in too much trouble)

The rest plays out a lot like @universalrainbows Toy Player saves Jack side AU with Doey escaping containment and sneaking around the edges of Playcare for awhile (meeting and starting friendships with other characters like Miss Delight who gives them updates on Jack and Dogday who even before them had fed the boys a few tips on how to get out. Catnap is still a danger and they avoid him at all costs) When Jack, Matthew, and Kevin escape Playcare they’re almost waiting for them (much to Matthew and Kevin's' surprise once they find out Jack was right) and of course even before they see these two other boys they’ve pulled an ‘it’s free real estate’ and designated them as bonus son’s.

Escape proves difficult, but they’re able to find areas in the caverns where they can stay relatively safe and keep the boys healthy, then start quietly saving more toys and children that they can slip through the cracks of Playtime's notice.

By the time of the Hour Of Joy they’ve established an early safe haven and food sources (I didn’t come up with how so we’re just gonna gloss over that) and by the time of the current game Safe Haven in the location we know it is much more populated by a mix of toys and young adults who had once been orphans and is much more stable and better defended.

[lumillsie]

my yellowjackets takes !!

- taissa turner is the most intriguing of the central characters, and her storyline deserves the level of effort the writers put into it back in season 1.

- teen!misty was far too overhated in the first two seasons and I struggle to understand how people can understand shauna making poor decisions due to feeling overlooked in comparison to jackie, but couldn't understand why misty would do something awful as a consequence of being, narratively speaking, completely othered and isolated by her entire community. her actions were objectively wrong but it seems like more of the dislike towards teen misty stems from people finding her annoying rather than unnerving.

- I wish we saw more of nat and kevyn tan. I really enjoyed their dynamic during the brief period of time we got them, and I wish we could've seen them develop. the fact that they both died on the same day is very romeo-julietesque of them.

- I want to know more about adam. I know the concept of him being javi was scrapped, but I really want to know more about the final version of him the writers settled on — was he genuinely just interested in shauna? what did he know about the survivors?

- jeff's complete disregard for jackie makes me dislike him. it's not about the fact that he cheated on her as a teenager, but for as rude as the taylors were — how on earth could you bring up the fact that you cheated on their dead daughter at her birthday lunch? there is not a single moment in which he exhibits any sort of remorse or grief over what happened to her despite his teenage mistakes directly leading to her death (and him being aware of it).

- while I really enjoy young taivan and consider them to be the core romance of the show, I preferred tai and simone in the adult timeline. simone's presence didn't take away from taissa's own arc the way van's did, and I do think there's a reason as to why taissa married simone despite breaking up with van over her fears to come out of the closet. is it necessarily a romantic one? no, of course not, but it does paint that bond in a much deeper manner than the show portrayed it post-s1.

- sammy should have been the wilderness' child instead of callie.

- I don't hate adult melissa. I know people are a lot more attached to van and were devastated by her death, but I do think some of them are forgetting that melissa's would be murderer was right outside the door, and she saw an opportunity to escape and took it.

- mari being pit girl makes sense but it shouldn't have occurred until season 4, or they should've done the pacing differently in s3. the reveal felt rushed.

- I'm not sure if this is a controversial topic but I don't believe shauna would have hooked up with jeff if she actually believed jackie loved him. in the scene where jackie tells her she should've said "I love you" back to him, she seems rattled before asking her if she does — because the foundation of her justification for her betrayal had itself been rattled.

- perhaps contradictory to my previous point, but I don't believe that shauna was ever a 'good' person. I know people try to justify her by pointing out instances of her kindness and care for others early on, but one of the first acts we see her engage in is a heinous betrayal of one of the people closest to her. on the flipside, I also don't agree with the people who think she had no redeeming qualities due to that betrayal, when her scenes with javi and van show the opposite. it's okay to admit that the characters you root for did in fact start out as morally fallible individuals — I adore misty, yet I don't feel the need to justify her actions.

- I love lauren ambrose but altering the plot to make van a survivor really didn't benefit the adult timeline that much. (although I may change my opinion on this once I see taissa's season four arc.)

- I prefer adult shauna to teen shauna, mainly because I've always been a major melanie lynskey fan and I find her to be one of the most compelling figures on screen.

- I really liked mistywalter in season 2, and I enjoy walter as a character.

- I need to know who on earth was javi's friend.

- with how many crackships there are within the fandom, I really want to see more of them with taissa. I know she's one of the very rare few characters in a canon wlw relationship and that does play a part in the lack of them, but I really do like the concepts of tainat, taikilah and taijackie come to mind.

- mistynat > lottienat

- I really would have loved to see more of lottie and misty's dynamic !! in my head they're best friends who both understand what it's like to be different and help one another cope.

- jackieshauna being the most widely-known and popular yellowjackets ship is perfectly reasonable. there is an element of unfulfilled potential and grotesque tragedy that compels the masses to them and a significant portion of screentime is dedicated to them (with jackie continuing to appear in scenes with shauna postmortem).

- shauna was AN antler queen during the pit scene, but not THE antler queen. there is no one singular antler queen and we see the mantle pass through the seasons, and I think we will see tai in that role in season 4.

- shauna's most tragic relationship isn't that with jackie or with her son, but rather with callie. the scene where she places her 16yo daughter's bunny in her bed next to her breaks my heart. she's there and she's present and shauna wants to love her but she's scarred and wounded and struggles with it immensely.

- jackie was not as bad of a friend as shauna was, but she had her flaws too. her communication was just as abysmal as shauna's and her assumption that shauna understood her affection for her and refusal to genuinely say something kind and loving about shauna that didn't center her contributed to the downfall of their relationship. with that, I do believe shauna was the person she loved most in the world and that she would've done anything for her — but they had diabolical normal people levels of communication.

- I absolutely adore the original concept of mistyjackie in the script but if it had made it into the show itself, I don't think jackie would have died.

- I actually like the fact that they separated travis and natalie this season, as I believe it helped develop their characters more individually in the teen timeline. I liked getting to see nat interact more with misty and travis interact more with akilah and lottie.

- travis seeing lottie in his scenes with natalie and imagining her comforting him is a storyline that feels unexplored and I wish we saw how they got to the point of their early season 3 dynamic

- natalie was not the only person to show jackie respect in the wilderness / after she passed away. taissa attempted to help her during the confrontation, advised shauna to go get her and was narratively/psychologically absent during the feast scene. she exhibits concern both for shauna's mental state and the fact that jackie's body is being used as a doll. she reminds natalie of what happened to her after mari and shauna get into a conflict. taissa respected jackie just as much as natalie did.

- taishauna is THE friendship of the show.

- jackie taylor remaining the face of the show and such a widely-talked about character years after her death (and so high on people's rankings) is a testament to both ella's performance and the value of her character.

- earlier on, misty sought the validation of acceptance and the motions of friendship more than she did genuine companionship. we see that in the way she snitches on jackie (who is one of the first people to offer her genuine friendship) and in the way her allegiance shifts from girl to girl. I don't think it's as clear cut on screen, but I think nat becomes the one person she is truly loyal to with the events of late s3. had nat lived, regardless of what happened, her allegiance would've remained with her.

- mr matthews gets a lot of hate but I genuinely believe that he was just terrified for his daughter and enraged by the fact that he could do nothing to help her. I don't believe that he resented or despised lottie.

- jackie taylor did not hate rabbits.

- I hope we learn more about kodiak. joel mchale is too peak of an actor to play a character whose only role is to be mysterious and then get shanked. I'm still convinced he's related to our cabin guy.

- travis dying so early on made sense narratively but I still hope we get to see more scenes of andres soto in the role. I thought the casting was a miss until I saw one specific photo of him that really illustrated to me how much he looks like kevin alves.

- the soundtrack is absolutely peak and a major contributor to the quality of the show.

[burningcheese-merchant]

Have you ever thought of any other fankids for your BxA pairings? Paneer and Jackie are so cute! :D

Awww thank you ❤️ here's a little doodle of them as babbies just for you. Jack's hair was kinda shaggy as a little kid lol. But he's getting better at holding his baby sister, see?

I've thought about other Beast x Ancient fankid, yeah. But to be honest, I can't really see the other pairs with kids. To elaborate:

Dark Cacao is already a father, and his son is already an adult, at that. I think he's had his fill of raising kids by now (especially because he already didn't do the best job with Dark Choco. He'd probably worry he'd fuck up the next kid, too). I can't really see Mystic Flour wanting children, whether that be because she doesn't see the point or because she, too, fears that she would fail as a parent. It's easier/more suitable for Flour to accept Dark Choco as a son and for him to accept her as a mother figure imo. Best of both worlds: you can have a kid, and the kid is already grown so they don't need raising lol

Same deal with Hollyberry tbh. She's already a mother, she's already had her time in that world. Her son is a man with his own life and accomplishments; her job is done and she wants to relax now. Now that there's a heavy implication that Eternal Sugar is fond of children (and perhaps even wanted to be a mother herself), I think... she would've wanted to have a child with Hollyberry, and would be kind of sad that Holly doesn't agree. But she would make peace with it. It helps a lot that Pepper Jack and Matar Paneer are around, honestly; she loves being an auntie. They both do. And that's enough for them

Shadow Milk and Pure Vanilla... That one's tough. I don't think Shadow Milk would be a good father tbh. He's already a deadbeat to Black Sapphire and Candy Apple, you know? Lol. Pure Vanilla is the opposite, he adores children and is great with them. I can see him wanting one with Shadow Milk; worrying it wouldn't go well, but wanting it nevertheless. The thought of having a happy family with his other half is an enticing one, even more so seeing their friends have one of their own. But it's a "two 'yes's" thing and Shadow Milk keeps saying no... It's the HollySugar dilemma but in reverse lol. The Ancient wants a kid but the Beast doesn't

Silent Salt and White Lily are the closest ones to that ideal imo. It's something Silent Salt sometimes dares to daydream about, even. But they're both so afraid, so nervous... They already think so little of themselves in general. They'd probably assume they'd be the worst parents ever. (They'd do just fine lol.) For now, they're content being Auntie Lily and Uncle Salt. But maybe someday...

... All of that just to turn around and say I thought of some kids anyway 😂😂😂😂😂 I'm a silly guy

MysticCacao kid would be Choco Tart

HollySugar/EternalBerry kids would be two daughters, Belladonna and Yew Berry

ShadowVanilla kid would be a son named Vanilla Cream

SilentLily kids would be a son named Fleur de Sel and a daughter named Salt Spray Rose (or Rugosa Rose, haven't decided yet)

None of them would be canon though, save for the last two 😅 but you're all welcome to ask about them anyway, if you're curious for some reason. (Otherwise I encourage you to go look at some other ShadowVanilla kids because they're actually very cool. @/justn0t has Panna Cotta Cookie and @/verystrangebun has Gold-Flecked Cookie, those two are my favorites)

[alicentsgf]

Thoughts on Travis?

I honestly kinda have a soft spot for Travis ? and I've really enjoyed his evolution.

We meet this boy whose been raised in a clearly unhappy home by a father he didn't have a good relationship with, whos instilled so much self-hatred in him, and who dies. Like hes dead, Travis will never get the chance to have the conversations he wanted to have with his dad. He will never get to question him or yell at him or have any kind of honest relationship with him. Travis in season 1 is consumed by the machismo mindset, but it clearly makes him so unhappy. He doesn't want to be that person, he's gentle, he loves his brother, he loves nat, he wants to be kind, wants to protect, theres this huge internal battle between what hes been taught and what he actually wants for himself.

Imagine you're a kid and your dad is a soccer coach and there is such an emphasis on the physicality of masculinity. You are nothing, not even really a man, if you aren't strong. And then Travis gets sick. Literally has to have surgery on his spine, he can't play sport, at least not for a long time. It may have been the one way he could connect with his dad, and its taken from him. Theres a lot of jealousy in his feelings towards Javi. Their dad doesn't treat Javi the same way, hes gentler with him for some reason whether this is because of Javi's age or ability to still become the man their dad hoped Travis would be.

And then Javi dies too. Unfortunately I don't have to imagine how that feels just in isolation. When my sister died, it was like someone had amputated half my soul. Felt like I spent all my time trying to find that part of me again, and tbh I don't know if you ever really do. A part of you becomes numb because it has to, otherwise you can't cope. Travis starts self-medicating to help him cope even further, is drunk most of season 3 imo. Javi was his little brother, Travis was desperate to protect him. It was all he thought about in season 2. Travis lost his purpose when he lost Javi, and it's like hes clawing his way back his little brother in everything he does. Sleeps holding his little carved statuette, surrounded by his drawings. Travis even begins to draw, he becomes gentler, more like Javi. Just like Misty grasps for Nat and Shauna for Jackie through a poor imitations of the person they've lost, Travis does the same.

His position within the group is interesting as well. Hes both fully integrated and yet still an outsider. We see this reflected in the adult timeline, where hes incredibly isolated in a way the others arent. He doesn't have a family or community. He doesn't even have anyone looking out for him like Nat does, because for him that person was Nat and hes cut himself off from her.

Travis is the personification of what it is to be untethered by grief. He loses much more than his family. He loses his sense of self. Hes torn by faith, swinging between belief and skepticism. He becomes increasingly passive and yet more violent. Whilst he interferes with both hunts, never participating in either, he ultimately, yet indirectly, causes both Javi and Mari's deaths. He instigates the actual 'hunting' part of the hunt when he tells Nat to run. He built the pit. His culpability becoming more apparent. So unable to commit an act of active violence in the case of Lottie, that he condemns an innocent person to die as a result. Meaning he ends up further encouraging the violence and depravity he means to free them all from. And this isn't a condemnation, I don't condemn Travis for wanting Lottie dead with all the pain she's caused him, but also i don't think hes as blameless in season 3 as people tend to act like he is.

I'm looking forward to seeing what coming home looks like for Travis. I imagine the plane crash, the loss of her whole family, changed his mother irrevocably. In which case its not really a surprise Nat and he grow back together, with neither of them really having a family to support them.

[2-the-moon-and-2-saturn]

i do think jackie loved shauna a lot, as more than a friend, and it’s obvious from how she looks at shauna. she acted like a great friend too at times – she did look out for shauna and was proactive in it, like how she slipped her her mom’s pills so shauna wouldn’t have to suffer through the flight, and gave her her necklace as a token of protection. even adult shauna thinks of jackie as someone who protected her, as she hallucinates jackie warning her of danger more than once.

however, jackie also talked down to shauna. she demeaned her and knew that she had a huge influence over shauna, which she used to her own advantage. and she made sure shauna knew how much she needed jackie, asserting her own position as a great friend time and again (for example, also in the plane scene when she did those nice things for shauna).

even when doing the activity she proposed in which she had to say nice things about shauna, she made a joke of it and said a bunch of things i’m sure she loved, but that sounded negative. the good thing she mentioned was selfish too, as it spoke to shauna’s ability to be a good friend to her.

i don’t know how much of the bad ways jackie treated shauna was actually a bad coping mechanism with the fact that she loved shauna, but i do think melissa was right in saying jackie kind of treated shauna like shit. because at times, she really did. i haven’t forgotten that jackie she was also the one to first try to send her best friend out into the very cold woods. if shauna hadn’t put her foot down, she could have been the one found under the snow the next morning (though i don’t think she would have, because jackie probably would have come down to get her and reassert how good she was for doing so).

anyways, my point is that, like everyone in this series, jackie was a layered, complex character (and she was just a kid). she and shauna loved each other in ways i think neither of them could really process, and so both acted selfishly and manipulatively.

maybe they could have figured it out eventually if they’d had time, if they’d never gotten into the plane crash. that’s their iteration of the tragedy this entire show seems to boil down to – these girls who never really got to grow into better versions of themselves, because one way or another, that potential died in the woods.

[your-absent-father]

Children in writing: my personal pet peeves

Okay, some might know that I work as an elementary school aid, done it on and off since I was 19, so I have the credits lol. Last december I even got my trade school papers for it. I preface this this way bwcause I have worked with shitton of kids, and will in a future. My background also means that I am very quick to notice when people don't interact with kids that much.

Even the savant syndrome kid is still a kid

One thing that annoys the hell out of me is when the 8 year old smart kid character acts like a 32 year old with all the emotional cababilities it entails. Yes, some kids have an higher intelligence, emotional or otherwise, but in the core of them, they are a kid. They get temper tantrums, they are in awe of new discoveries, they love to play in their own way.

For example, the class I'm in now, we have a kid I will call James. James is raised by his grandparents and it shows in everything he does. He is an old soul, always getting striaght As and almost helping the adults in conflicts. James also giggles as I race with him during recess, he sulks like a kid after not getting what he wanted and laughs really hard at fart jokes. He is 8 even if he has an emotional intelligence of an older kid.

Children are sponges, in bad and good

Speaking of James, he is a great example of children being sponges. This 8 year old, he uses terms like "gosh darn it" or "welp, it is what it is", terms I could see his farmer grandpa using. When he is stressed, he poses like a 73 year old looking at a broken tracktor. You can see his grandpa in him clearly.

I want to say it because a lot of people only write like "I am bad because my dad was bad" characters, even though it isn't that simple moat of the time, and children being sponges could be used in so many different ways, and not just bad.

Kids knowing big words doesn't always mean they are smart

This adds into the "kids are sponges" segment. Lot of kids, especially now, pick up different words, some very difficult, but they themselves don't know what they mean. Just today I had to explain what a dictator meant to a kid talking about North Korea. (That is an other thing too I like to add: kids try to explain with their own understandkng of the world what things they don't understand are)

Children's are adults in progress

Thus is a thing that peeves me the most of all, because a lot of people think children are thing entire different entity than adults. I like to explain it in videogame logic, like as a kid you are doing the first levels and progressing trough. You still the same character at the core of it, you just leveled up and got new tricks up your sleeve. Children are humans, they aren't that difficult to comprehend.

kids with disabilities have presonalities

Omg I am such a passionate person towards this, especially because I am specialized in special ed. It annoys me in no end when a special ed kid's presonality is "ehh they are disabled?". Every single special ed kid I have been with have different personalities and likes and dislikes, if they can't show it to you themselves. I don't think I have met two disabled kids (nor adults) with same personalities, even if they have exact same disability.

In the class I am in now, James's best friend is this kid named Jackie. I don't know Jackie's diagnosis but she can't walk straight, and uses multiple walking aids when her legs hurt too bad. She can't talk very well, struggling with her speak. Still, those things weren't the first thing I'd use to describe her. I'd describe her as a dramaqueen, always ready to complain about something, i'd describe her as a sporty, always running after her friends, even if she is much slower than others. I'd describe her as kindhearted, and clingy as she is always ready for a hug. Her disability is n intergal part of her but not everything.

I could complain about this all day. I have worked with kids and adults with disabilities and they have all been do different from each other (like able bodied people). Maybe another post lol.

Okay rant over.

Tldr: Chldren are humans too. Lol

[shaunasbigbrowneyes]

3x4 Spoilers

I will say. I know a lot of people are going to hate Shauna after this episode.

But.

I think if anything, Misty’s call to her as a witness and that whole scene laid out exactly why she has a right to be so angry at coach.

He, the only adult, left her in literally her time of greatest need. Shauna has never ever been that vulnerable to the whole group before. It had always been just with Tai, or even Jackie in the beginning. But right then, having her baby at 18 in the middle of nowhere, she was so desperate for support she gave coach one final chance to be the adult in the whole situation and he rejected it fully.

I understand why, don’t get me wrong, he was depressed and starving and generally didn’t know enough to help. But if he had just tried to stay and support her, I fully believe she wouldn’t blame him as much for the loss of her baby. Because this is where the hate stems from, not from him burning the cabin down. Shauna is just using that to fuel the fire for others to be on her side hating him.

She hates everyone who loves the wilderness (as we know from 3x1, she thinks they’re fucking idiots). But she is smart enough to know she can’t go and lose her mind again like she did at Lottie, so she has to jump on the common enemy which is of course coach Ben.

She is grieving she is angry and she is looking for an acceptable reason to spill blood and get some form of justice which is not going to bring her baby back but it might just feel good long enough for her to feel some reprieve.

Anyways I love complicated women. I am not saying she is right, I do like Ben as a character. But I find Shauna’s character arc so much more fascinating to analyse.

[nataliescatorccioapologist]

I visited the WGA library to read Yellowjackets scripts and wanted to share some of my findings! (Pt. 2)

Here are my notes for 1x03! Quotation marks indicate direct lines from the script, whereas everything else is me paraphrasing.

1x03 “The Dollhouse”

•The script starts with a scene of a panicked adult Travis bursting out of his secluded house (shack?) with a “wild glint in his eyes” “as if desperate to find the source of something and also terrfied he will find it.”

•Then it flashes back to the 1996 teen timeline and Travis hears a whisper late at night in the woods. He is “inexplicably drawn” to the plane wreckage. “The breeze rustles the tree branches, and again he hears a soft, hushed sound, as if the wilderness is calling his name.”

Travis is interrupted by Javi, who approaches him saying he had a bad dream.

As Travis is walking back to their camp with Javi, “The breeze picks back up. We hear a low and sinister exhalation, as if the woods are whispering for Travis to stay and preparing to make him stay.”

Both of these scenes were obviously cut, but I do think it’s really interesting that Travis was originally made out to be, arguably, just as connected to the Wilderness entity as Lottie is. Travis is one of the first people to be “contacted” by the Wilderness and it seems to take a particular interest in him. Also that line about making him stay is eery as hell.

•When the group is voting on whether to go to the lake or stay at the plane wreckage, the script makes sure to point out how hesitant some of the girls are to go against Jackie. Some of them even vote to stay at the wreckage just to avoid pissing her off. This shows her influence over the girls at the time, even though it eventually fades as they become more adapted to their new way of life.

•While the group is hiking to the lake, Taissa sees the man with no eyes for the first time, crouching in the bushes staring at her blankly. It understandably freaks her the fuck out and she’s shaken by it for the rest of the episode.

In the final product Tai doesn’t see the man with no eyes until later on, but this scene sounds creepy as fuck in the script.

•When Nat is looking through Travis’s house and finds the photo of the two of them together on his dresser, we get this line:

“We realize Natalie’s not only seen Travis recently, but they were close. Intimate. Natalie glances up from the photo, and suddenly sees adult Travis in the mirror. He’s standing behind Natalie, and his eyes seem to be judging her.”

Just thought it was interesting, particularly the “judging her” line. Judging her for what? Maybe judging her for looking for him? For not keeping herself safely away from all this?

•When the girls are swimming at the lake and Jackie is sitting with Mari trying to make Shauna jealous, there’s a line about Jackie being “clearly tired of Mari’s yapping” but trying to hide it, which I found funny. Mari is a canonical yapper.

•The girls also play chicken at the lake, with Nat on Van’s shoulders and Laura Lee on Shauna’s shoulders. This is so cute and I’ll take whatever scraps of VanNat friendship I can get. I wish they kept it in the episode.

•And another deleted part from the lake scene, Lottie is standing on top of a rock above the lake preparing to jump in and she does the cabbage patch dance on top of it while everyone cheers her on (if you don’t know what the cabbage patch dance is you should definitely look it up). Then she sees the cabin in the distance and stops.

But I love a little hint at silly goofy Lottie! Before all of the visions, just a silly goose.

•While Nat and Misty are in the jail cell and Nat asks Misty about her messing with her Porsche, Nat and Misty stare each other down and the script then says this:

“So much history between these two.”

A little sneak peek at a lot more happening between these two in the Wilderness that we don’t know about yet.

•While Nat is on the phone with Tai trying to get her to bail her out of jail, this line:

“We realize these two are closer than we thought.”

Tainat friendship acknowledged!🙏

•Also on that phone call with Tai, the script says that “Natalie is struggling to even speak his name,” referring to Travis. This again shows just how painful and complicated Nat’s feelings are towards Travis.

•When Nat and Misty are bailed out, there’s a cut scene of Misty going through a plastic bag full of all of the things that were in her purse at the time of her arrest. Here are the items in Misty’s purse: peanut butter, condoms, Travis’s notebook that she stole, and a small plastic toy cat.

God, I love that woman.

•After Jackie spills the nasty canned food all over the floor and complains that they should have stayed at the wreckage, Van snaps at her “How is this helping?”, and the rest of the girls roll their eyes at Jackie. Jackie storms outside and we get this line:

“Suddenly, she stops, overwhelmed by her emotions—how scared she is, how alone she feels, how much she hates the wilderness, and the shame she feels for showing it.”

A great look into Jackie’s mental state and very representative of Jackie’s gradual loss of influence and power in this new environment. She’s used to being sure of herself and having this magnetism that everyone naturally follows. In society, Jackie is influential and powerful. But here in the wilderness, she cannot adapt and cannot lead the group like she once did. And the other girls can see that, hence the rolling eyes and snapping at her.

•After Nat and Misty find Travis’s body and they are driving away, there is a line that was cut from the final product in which Nat admits to Misty:

“We were together, on and off. We started up again about ten years ago.”

So this would mean that Nat and Travis started up their relationship again around 2011 and have been on and off for ten years. Does this mean they were not together after they got rescued but rekindled things about 12 years later? Or did they stay together for a little while after the rescue, broke up for years, and then got back together and that’s what Nat is referring to? I don’t know, maybe this line was cut for a reason and it’s definitely not canon yet so we’ll see. But the timeline of Nat and Travis’s relationship is confusing to me and I want to know more.

My theory is that Nat and Travis have broken up after Javi’s death and don’t get back together in a romantic capacity until 2011.

[cryingatwindermerepeaks]

hi hi adi !! would you have any headcanons for cg ! shauna x little ! taissa ? i love your yj thoughts !! :3

Cg!Shauna x Little!Taissa Hcs

Misty I can’t tell you how excited this request made me because I hadn’t actually thought about it before but the second I saw this I was filled with ideas !!

- Tai regresses anywhere from around 4-10, she’s very careful about making sure none of the other yjs find out though because she is super embarrassed about it.

- Shauna calls her baby, kiddo or T. And Tai calls her Mama or Shaunie depending on how small she is.

- Shauna finds out about her regression the first night she goes to sleep upstairs with Tai. Despite what she said, Tai is a little bit scared of being up there alone and she regresses, not expecting anyone to see her.

- Shauna has experience taking care of Jackie when she regresses so it doesn’t take to her long to figure out what’s going on with Tai

- At first Tai is so embarrassed, begging Shauna not to tell anyone. Shauna very quickly calms her down promising that no one is going to find out. Eventually they do, because it’s hard to hide things in a situation like theirs.

- After Shauna first finds out Tai regresses and starts to take care of her, she helps Tai to regress every night because she’s less scared of falling asleep when she’s little. Shauna will read to her, they don’t have any kids books but Tai just likes listening to Shauna’s voice.

- Tai can be stubborn about asking for affection so Shauna always initiates it. ‘Cmon, come lay with me,’ Shauna would soothe, holding open her blanket for Tai to join her. ‘I’m not a baby,’ she’d pout, crossing her arms and wrapping her own blanket tighter around her shoulders. ‘I know but I’m so cold,” Shauna frowns. And eventually she eases Tai into lying down with her.

- They play lots of little games at night, like paper football or Shauna lets Tai use the back pages of her journals to play hangman.

- Tai always gets so worried about Shauna, more so when she’s little. She’s always checking in to make sure her Mama is ok.

- Tai can be very stubborn, insisting that she doesn’t need a nap or to finish playing. Shauna is pretty patient, gently reminding her that she can come back to whatever she is doing later.

- Tai has a little toy fox, Freddy, that she’s had since she was a baby. She’s super nervous about bringing it out infront of Shauna, but Shauna always asks to see him and asks how he is feeling, it makes Tai so excited that she asks about him!

- When Shauna is pregnant Tai loves listening to the baby and feeling it kick, (guys let’s not think too hard about this please). Whenever Shauna feels the baby kicking she’ll call Tai over and place her hand on her stomach and it makes little Tai SO excited

- Adult timeline wise: Shauna and Tai, like all the girls, try to keep interactions limited after they get back. But t doesn’t stop either of them from keeping tabs on the other to make sure they are ok. The night in s1 (I think it’s s1) where Tai tells Shauna she’s scared to sleep, she ends up regressing because being so close to Shauna after so long makes her feel tiny. And they both fall back into their dynamic so easily like nothing has changed.