#i lost my childhood cat and i dont know what to do with myself

[idiotsdayparade]

i miss my cat so fucking bad i feel like i'm going crazy

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 18: BRIDE AND GROOM

wc: 5894

warnings: death, gun violence, blood, ptsd

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***

san

my nerves are shot. i keep looking outside of the windows of woo's van as we wait ourside the park, counting every car that passes by and even the amount of street cats that i see lurking in the shadows of this shitty area. hongjoong came right to my apartment. if he held out on the attack on the warehouse, ignored seonghwa and kept changbin alive, he would've came straight to kill me. and i wouldnt have seen it coming at all.

and yaera was the one to see him. face to face.

the horrific images that flashed through my head of what he'd do to her haunts me continuously. i feel sick to my stomach. im even more determined to get rid of him, just so he'd never be this close to anyone i know or love. he's a fucking monster. he could have done anything to her and i wouldnt have been there.

i could have lost everything. and now shes out in that fucking park with the man that ruined her childhood and innocence.

"hey man, im sure shes fine," woo tries to comfort me, his eyes worried as he watches me through the rearview. "i heard her voice, she sounded like she had a plan."

"her plans wont always be there to save her," i mutter. her voice scared the shit out of me to be honest. she sounded calm, like talking about the errands she had to run. after everything that's happened, i know shes a ticking time bomb on the inside. like a branch on its last stretch, ready to completely snap in half.

"she got away from hongjoong," woo says. "honestly, i dont know how she talked him away. we both know if he knows where you live then..."

"hes doing this to fuck with us," i say, my hands clenching around my forearms as i try to still myself. i feel like im shaking even though i know im not. "you know damn well she didnt talk herself out of it. he let her live. he could have chosen not to."

and i wouldnt have been there. last time i wasnt there, my mother and i never saw each other again. at least she didnt die, but with how she took off she might as well be dead.

woo sighs and cracks open a bottle of beer and i cant be bothered to stress over it. my thoughts feel like they're racing. but when i heard the shots, thats when they paused. my head went blank hearing six clean shots rip through the air.

my blood runs cold and woo sets his beer down on the dash, turning his whole body to look at me.

"was that...?" woo starts, his face falling. "do you think thats hongjoong?"

realistically, it couldve been any other lowlife because we were in a sketchy part of town. but hongjoong being the scariest thing around means every fear automatically becomes about him.

"where's yaera now?" woo asks me, taking the beer and pointing at me as he gestures toward my phone. "call her! we need to bounce!"

six shots. i pick up my phone and dial her instantly, but it goes straight to voice mail.

fucks sake. out of all the times she chooses not to answer. i resort to texting her frantically, telling her we're outside of the park's entrance. she reads my messages to my relief, but a dangerous part of me thinks...

what if hongjoong has her phone in his hand, and i just gave our location away?

"w-oo..." i say, feeling my face getting colder. i want to tell him to start the van and get us the fuck away from here, but my mouth cant get out the words.

"there she is!" woo yells, rolling down the window and leaning out of it. "open the door, san!"

i slide open the van's door and yaera's on the other side. i pull her in and slam the door immediately and woo doesnt waste time shoving the key into the ignition and hitting the road.

for a few minutes, nothing feels real. i put the light in the van on, and yaera hasnt said a word. when the light shines on her face, i see blood splattered across her cheek. she doesnt look at me at all, but takes something out of my hoodie and plops it onto my lap.

its my dad's gun.

i look up to her with realisation. i think im drawing the right conclusions but im scared to say the words aloud.

"yaera?" i mutter cautiously.

she doesnt answer me, shes blinkling slowly like a zombie. i take her hand and squeeze it, but she doesnt squeeze mine back. god. please dont tell me this means what i think it means.

"what did you do?" i ask her.

"i killed him."

her voice is empty. thats when she finally turns to me. i cant read her eyes at all.

"sorry for dragging you guys into this shit. i probably made escaping harder for you, right?"

she says it casually. i dont know if it hit her yet. i think it did, but shes not ready to face it. my chest aches of thinking her alone in that park with him. six shots.

i take her face in my hands and pull her into an embrace. "im glad you're okay," i say. i want to say more but i dont know what to say. i wont ever know how it feels to do what she did.

i feel her shiver in my arms and i can tell shes choking back her emotions. probably terrified to face them after what shes done. this was it. i cant believe she had the guts to do it, to actually kill someone.

i threw up the first time i saw someone die. even worse when it was by my hands. ive never seen them die, but whenever i beat someone severely i could just tell they werent going to make it. i didnt want to be there when they croaked, so i ran before i got to witness it. i'd hear about it later on, and i wouldnt be able to sleep.

wooyoung is looking through us in the rearview, his eyes visibly worried. he knows what happened and i know hes thinking what im thinking.

this has gotten immensely more fucked up. yaera isnt just a civilian anymore. she crossed over to the other side. her hands are tainted.

"im fine," she says and then pulls away. she cracks her neck and stretches her fingers. "he tried to choke me out but he didnt know i had your gun."

"why did you do this alone?" i ask her, trying not to upset her.

"because i wanted to. who else should i do it with?" she says with a shrug. "he didnt try to rape you, did he?"

hearing that, wooyoung takes a long gulp from his beer and finishes it. i know he cant handle hearing about stuff like this. wooyoung's all good with violence until its sexual.

"i know what you mean but you couldve let me been there," i tell her.

she waves me off. "its over now. where are we going?"

shes being so casual about it, i know shes going to break as soon as shes alone. "mao's letting us stay at one of his drug houses. its in the suburbs."

"im assuming you guys still have to kill hongjoong, seeing as he came to visit you today and all."

"its his sister's wedding tomorrow," wooyoung says. "AKA D-Day."

yaera hums, then notices wooyoung trying to crack open another beer. "are you drinking and driving?" she says, almost with amusement.

"before you hound me like san does, just know im actually a better driver when im drunk," woo tells her. hes being so civil with her that i know this is his equivalent of walking on eggshells.

"well would you hear that," yaera lightly chuckles and looks at me with a smile. i cant shake the terrible feeling i have inside me when i look at her, knowing whats coming. the blood on her cheeks have dried. her hands are tainted. its going to break her.

her smile drops when i dont return it. "something wrong?" she frowns at me.

i pull her into me again, softly putting her head on my shoulder as the chest ache worsens. "i missed you, thats all." i mutter.

***

mao's house is a decent, middleclass two-storey that looks like every family's white pickett fence dream. its hard to tell that there's a drug lab in the basement just by looking at it. but if anything life has taught me is dont be surprised by anything.

and yet, even despite knowing that, i cant wrap my head around the fact that yaera blew santo's head off.

something in me is broken. i thought she needed me to protect her, to always be there, but now i feel useless. i know she can take care of herself, but i wish i protected her better. not from danger, but from this fate itself.

i couldnt keep her hands clean, even if they were already smudged with something dark. i dont have control over anything anymore.

she sleeps all the way there, and when we go inside the house, i take her up to a bedroom since she mentioned wanting to take a bath. i leave her alone to go talk to wooyoung, and hes sitting on the old furniture in the living room, staring mindlessly through the window.

he looks at me with a scowl when he sees me. "what are you doing here?" he snaps. what was his problem?

"whats with the tone?" i reply, taken aback.

"why are you leaving her alone?" he asks me like im dumb.

i stare at him in confusion. "shes taking a bath, woo."

woo stands up and gives me a bland look. "your little girlfriend just blew off a guy's head with six bullets and you're leaving her to take a bath by herself? go make sure she's not fucking drowning herself, dumbass! she was way too fucking calm about that shit!"

the realization hits me. wooyoung is right, god how am i so oblivious? i dont say anything more and run up the stairs, hearing no sound coming from the bathroom. no movement of the water, nothing. but i smell cigarette smoke.

i lightly knock on the door but no answer comes. i immediately push the door open and find yaera submerged till her collarbone, her arm hanging out of the bathtub with a cigarette dangling between her wet fingers. she puts it between her lips and blows out a puff as she looks at me with an empty gaze.

"i didnt kill myself," she says coolly. "you dont have to worry about me."

"i wasnt worried about that," i say. the bathroom is warm and foggy with steam, and her hair is all curled up, hanging into the water.

"really?" she says with a wry look. "well, you joining me then?"

this is not one of those times we can suppress how terrible we feel by having sex. but i dont tell her that, because im scared she'll reject me or kick me out.

i close the door behind me and start to take off my clothes and yaera doesnt even look at me. its the first time she isnt staring at me like some kind of preying animal, which makes me think she doesnt just want to sleep together either. but i cant tell what shes thinking at all, it terrifies me.

i get into the opposite side of her so i can see her face. her legs are lightly grazing mine underwater and still she doesnt meet my eyes. its bothering me so much. she takes one last puff of the cigarette before crushing it into an ashtray on the windowsill.

"why wont you look at me?" i ask her, meaning to be casual about it but i sound like im pleading. fuck.

her eyes finally drift up toward me and they're glossy and red. her face is frozen but i can tell she wants to cry. god, why did he hurt my girl.

"you think im horrible now, don't you?" she says, her voice just above a whisper.

"what? why would i ever think that?"

"do you think we bring out the worst in each other, san?"

her question throws me off, and i dont want to answer it. in the end we stare at each other until her resolve starts to crumble. tears start running down her face as she stares at her trembling hands like they're covered in blood.

"i...i didnt even stop when the gun was empty. i kept going...i knew he was gone and i kept going."

"come here."

i grab her hands and pull her over to me, sending the water sloshing to the sides of the tub. she sits between my legs, her back to me as i start rubbing her hair. yaera starts breaking down and i pull her close, our warm skin folding against each other.

"i want to fucking die," she chokes out between sobs. "why did he do this to me? why did he turn me into this...i hate this. i hate myself."

"he was a monster, yaera," i say and plant a kiss ontop of her head. "you did what you thought was right. i dont think you're horrible. i'd never think that about you. not after everything he did."

"i didnt want to do this," she holds her face in her hands, coughing her sobs out. "i didnt want to be this person. i just wanted to get away."

i let her cry it out, holding her through it all. nothing i say can fix this. the guilt will wreck her until one day it doesnt. until it passes like a headache that was never there.

"we'll get away," i whisper to her. "we can be entirely new people in cuba. we can be whoever we wanna be."

i rest my head against hers as i try to picture it. i want it to be real.

"we'll wake up every morning to birds and a tropical breeze. you'll wake up next to me with the sun on your face. we'll take walks to the beach, and if we live closer to the mountains, we'll walk out on our porch and just look out at the green slopes. we'll swim in the Salto de Soroa waterfall, and i'll put an orchid in your hair. you'll look like a girl from an island, and your skin is so tan its like you'll be a native. we'll have a small kitchen and drink rum every night, i'll take you to town and we can visit the art galleries. life will be quiet. time wont rush us in cuba. time wont exist."

i realized after saying everything how badly i want it to be real. i want to see yaera on a beach in those bohemian dresses with the salty air flowing through her curls. i want to lay on my stomach and tan after she puts sunscreen on me. i want all of that. i dont want this shitty reality we've been dealt with. i wont accept it. i'll grab cuba with both hands once all this is over.

yaera turns around to look at me, her eyes stunned by my words. i rinse the tears off her face and hold her cheeks gently. she smiles at me.

"i want all of that," she whispers. "i even downloaded duolingo and some youtube videos to learn cuban spanish."

i chuckle against my will. "you're way ahead of me, ive just been looking for jobs."

"theres so much we can do, we'll have the money," she says. "since you told me you were in trouble, i started depositing the money in my account every few days. we'll be fine. its not millions, but we'll manage."

man, i dont know where i got so fucking lucky meeting someone like her. i plant a kiss on her lips, short and sweet as i hold my forehead to hers, tasting the nicotine on her mouth. its not that bad when its on her.

"to answer your question, i dont. i dont think we bring out the worst in each other. i think you saved my life."

yaera's lip starts to tremble. "when i was out there with santo, i didnt feel alone. having your gun with me...it was like having you there."

"ive always wanted him gone. i just didnt know i'd feel this bad."

"it means you're still human, yaera," i tell her. "do you think he felt bad after what he did to you?"

she shakes her head knowingly. "he just wanted to do it again. over and over."

"exactly. feel what you need to, but dont forget your life was in danger."

"i went there knowing i was going to kill him. no matter what happened, i was going to do it."

she sunk against my chest, the water submerging all the way to her neck. tears continue to spill down her cheeks as she gazed hollowly at the bathroom tiles.

"i dont know who i'll be in cuba. i just want it to be nothing like who i am now."

"then that's how it'll be, yaera. just know im here."

"you always are."

her voice, that had been wrecked with sobs the entire time, seemed to say that firmly. she believed it wholeheartedly. i needed her to keep believing that till hongjoong and mingi were dead. its all that can keep me going.

"san, are you religious?"

"not really. why?"

"im not either. but i grew up catholic. i think i want to get baptized again. especially after this."

religion was never a big thing for me. i thought of god often, but in a way that he abandoned me somehow. my life wouldnt be this shit if he didnt.

"do you want to do it with me?"

i cant bring myself to say no to her. especially because i know what baptism symbolizes. a cleanse from sin. renewal. fuck it, its on theme for the fresh start right? might as well.

"alright," i smile down at her when she looks up at me. "we can get baptized together."

***

when we're done in the bathroom, yaera passes out on the bed, her legs tangled between blankets and soft breaths falling from her lips. shes absolutely exhausted, she even fell asleep without eating anything.

when i return to wooyoung, theres a guy drinking in the living room with him. hes tall and a fucking unit of a guy. one of mao's guys whos supposed to help us out.

"this is wong yukhei," woo nods to the guy respectfully. "mao's prized getaway driver apparently."

"im not just a getaway driver," the guy says with a smile. he honestly looks like hes never done anything wrong in his life. i wonder if these gangs just have unlimited supply to innocent people, ready to awaken the worst parts of them.

"im also a milkman," he chuckles. "you can call me lucas."

woo and i look at each other but say nothing.

"so you know the plan right?" i ask him. "get us in...we take them out..."

"i take you to the warehouse...ship arrives next morning. we see woo off, then we get you to the airport."

its a solid plan. but i see a shit ton of things potentially going wrong. all i can think of is...me. honestly. im the only one with so much shit to lose. i involved a civilian whos life i care about. now everything had to be perfect because i was already on edge.

i wanted to explain the plan to yaera, but she decided to pass out. when i go to sleep with her, she curls up in a ball close to me, crying in her sleep the entire night.

she shivers in her sleep because of whatever nightmare shes having...but for some reason it doesnt wake her up. she never wakes up. i pull her onto my chest and she clutches onto me like a last breath, her eyes never opening once. its like shes scared to face whatever she thinks she'll see when she opens her eyes. i cant blame her for that.

i eventually fall asleep, but it doesnt last long. because at 8 in the morning, wooyoung, lucas and i are loading weapons into the car.

two massive CS/LR4s, chinese sniper rifles. the sheer size of it overwhelms me, knowing i have to pull that trigger today, and nothing can save me from it.

if i want to be happy with yaera on the streets of soroa one day, i have to do this.

if i want to stay alive, hongjoong has to die.

"okay...this is starting to feel real," woo says, letting out a constricted breath. "are you ready?"

im never ready. not for shit like this. but nevertheless, i nod and pat wooyoung on the back. lucas appears behind us, gesturing to the house.

"go wake up your girlfriend. we're not coming back here," he tells me.

i didnt know that. "are you taking her to the warehouse while we go to the wedding?" i ask him.

lucas shakes his head. "nope. we're all making one trip to the warehouse. cant risk getting tailed by the police or anyone by returning to locations."

"so shes coming with us?" i ask in disbelief.  "shes gonna be with us when we..."

lucas has a sympathetic frown on his face. "i know it sucks, but trust. this is the least dangerous option."

i at least wanted some time to reconcile with myself before seeing her again. i didnt want her to see me right after i kill someone. but fuck it. i cant have everything i want these days anyway.

i swallow hard and make my way back to the house to get yaera. shes completely disorientated when i wake her. "hey...come on. we need to leave this place, you'll stay with lucas while i take care of things. alright?" i say, hoping she grasps my words.

yaera frowns, looking so soft and vulnerable from her nap. it makes my stomach twist. "whos lucas?" she mumbles.

"one of mao's guys. come on."

i place a kiss on the top of her head before getting up. i want to give her some space before all this gets too real. i havent explained anything yet, and im wondering if i should leave it that way.

"wait san. where are we going now?"

i pause at the door. "the courthouse. mingi's getting married there to hongjoong's sister. and then...we're following them to the reception."

"oh."

saying that out loud even feels so fucking evil. but i guess we're past feeling guilt.

"its almost over, yaera. dont worry."

i dont know who i was trying to convince more. her, or myself.

"san?" her voice softens, forcing me to turn around. "please dont die."

***

yaera

the fact that san and wooyoung's lives are on the line gives me something big to focus on so i wont have to deal with what i did.

santo haunted my dreams all night. constantly there, constantly polluting the background. its like he was torturing me still from beyond the grave. somehow i thought that if i got rid of him, all the memories of what he did would go too. i guess i was too hopeful and simplified it all.

hes like a fucking parasite in my brain. i dont want to give him the time of day. but hes all i can think about.

san is dressed in all black, wearing his infamous mask and hat combo. this is san, the gangster. and yet, i still care about him the same. his darkness never scared me.

although, i wonder if hes disgusted by mine.

we get into the car, and i dont get to sit next to san. instead im next to one of mao's guys, who keeps smoking in the car. he sees me hungrily looking at it and i cave when he hands me the cigarette.

on the drive there, lucas puts on the john wick soundtrack of all things. i give him a weird look and he has a smile on his face thats so joyous its inappropriate for the shit going down today.

i turn around to look at san and wooyoung, and i can see how stressed they are and the fear in their eyes. wooyoung cant hold eye contact, looking around like a nervous dog. san just looks despondent. like hes way too deep in his head.

when we make it out of this alive, im going to give him the best head of his life.

hes been so good to me. when i crumbled he held me. when i wanted to die its like he was there to remind me that i so desperately wanted to live. choi san has to live. he made me come back to life.

we pull up to the courthouse, and right there we see a fancy limo pulling away from the courthouse with the back windows saying 'just married'. lucas points eagerly. "we got them just in time!"

"this is kinda funny," wooyoung says out of the blue. "this is like sleeping dogs."

"what?" san looks at him. "how are you making this about a videogame right now?"

"winston's the red pole of the sun on yee, the triad in the game. he gets gunned down at his wedding by the rival gang."

i turn around and give him a concerned. "is that where you got the idea?"

wooyoung shakes his head. "nah. i just found out that after mingi gets married, he plans to take a break from the gang and make hongjoong take his rank in the gang. with that fucker in charge, he'll try to wipe out the whole 108ths. and mingi still has to pay for what happened with yunho. so i thought, fuck it. two birds one stone."

a strange smile crept on wooyoung's face. "we wont get the rival gang's ending though. dogeyes gets what he has coming. we'll make it out alive, because we only gave others what they had coming."

"and what about us?" san asks, looking out the window. "what do we have coming?"

wooyoung and i look at each other awkwardly before i turn back in my seat. "can i have another cigarette?" i ask lucas.

"sorry, sweetheart. gave you my last," he says then turns down the music completely as we continue to follow the limo. my nerves are shot as we take every turn it takes, and i wonder how the fuck they cant see us.

"how are you doing this?" i ask. "how dont they know?"

"most people dont watch the world around them. plus, i think even gangsters want to relax on their wedding day, dont you think?" lucas says with a confident smile. "dont worry, if i have nothing to worry about, you have nothing to worry about. only thing that matters is getting in."

i dont know the plan, i feel like the less i know the better. i look out the window as we pass by the buildings and as i see my reflection, i see santo's face riddled with bullet holes. i jump in my skin trying, blinking hard to make it go away. everyone in the car looks at me in confusion.

"are you okay?" san asks me, touching my shoulder. i swallow hard.

"yeah. just thought i saw a bug."

***

san

the limo stops infront of a big hall and we see mingi get out, holding his hand out for his bride. her dress is big and puffy, dragging on the floor as she gets out. hongjoong gets out right after her, taking her on his arm. mingi runs inside the hall as hongjoong holds his sister's face, her smile big and full of excitement.

im nauseous.

"you guys are entering around back, right?" lucas says, swerving the wheel hard, making the car jerk into a turn. "alright. lets do this."

he parks around the side of the building, right under a tree. we see a bunch of people walking in suits and dresses to go to the hall. wooyoung gets out of the car, pulling up his mask as he unloads the duffelbag with our guns in it.

theres a wall, but its jumpable. i get out of the car after and go first, hoisting myself over so woo can toss me the bag. he vaults over right after, and before we know it, we're in the garden.

we see a few guys with suits loitering around the back entrance. they dont look like security, judging by the lack of guns. so woo and i take the risk of walking right past them.

"hey!" a guy calls us when we're inside. hes big and buff. "who are you?"

"security." i tell the guy. "just assessing the perimeter one last time."

the guy narrows his eyes on me. "did you check with the boss?"

"yeah, dude. he gave us the order," woo says. "do you really wanna go ask him while hes busy waiting on his bride? its gonna look like we dont listen."

"alright..." the fucker still isnt convinced. i nudge wooyoung and we walk away from him. but his eyes never leave us. we had to make this quick. this place is crawling with black dragons.

we rush to the second floor of the hall and we find four guys lounging on rows of seats, hidden behind tapestry and curtains. they straighten as they watch us approach, standing up as someone starts playing "hear comes the bride" on the organ.

wooyoung charges at the first guy, pulling out a knife and stabbing him in the stomach. the violence is a blur. i unload the guns and start putting them into position, when suddenly my collar is grabbed from behind and im yanked onto the floor.

i jump up and launch myself at the black dragon, throwing my fist at him. he quickly dodges, driving a big one into my stomach. im winded for a moment, but i block his knee from hitting me there again. he tosses me to the wall, trying to kick me in the head.

i roll away and start running up the rows of seats, and wooyoung throws a guy down, having me jump over his body as he tumbles. i pull my knife from my jeans, swinging out at the black dragon, who dodges my attacks and pulls out a blade of his own. fuck!

"little help here!" i shout at wooyoung. im not even sure if he can hear me over the music. but woo's thrill of violence is always a plus. he comes running, knocking the guy from behind with his entire body. he falls towards me and i drive my blade into him repeatedly, his eyes going wide as he spits blood in my face. he plunges his knife into my arm in the process and i bite on my teeth, throwing him off me. when he drops, i look around and see all of them bleeding out on the floor.

i groan and hold my arm, the both of us heading for the guns. i honestly dont know how good of a shot i am. ive been nothing but a runner and the muscle. the last time i was behind a gun, i dont fucking remember but its too late for that now.

this thing has a scope. and a trigger. it cant be that hard. and even if it is, wooyoung's here. he'll get it right.

we're in separate corners, the gun subtly peeking through the tapestry. wooyoung agreed, he would take out hongjoong, and i would do mingi. at this very moment, mingi's waiting at the front of the hall in his suit, with his groomsmen standing behind him. hongjoong is halfway down the aisle with his sister, the flower girls dropping pink petals behind her as he walks her.

i put my eye to the scope, aiming for his chest. i didnt trust myself with a headshot. so the heart would have to do.

my arm is hurting like a bitch. mingi's standing still. i want to do it while the music's still going, but i guess it doesnt matter right? its not like the music will hide this motherfucker falling and dying.

my finger rests on the trigger. i turn to look at wooyoung and he gives me a thumbs up, telling me its ok to go.

1...

2...

3...

i pull the trigger. and so does he.

mingi doubles over as his shirt starts to bloom with red, falling head first down the steps of the platform. the music stops. hongjoong goes down. and so does his sister.

thats when i realized. the bullet went right through her head and hongjoong's ear. he looks up as everyone starts screaming and running out of the hall. wooyoung tries to shoot again. he misses. hongjoong runs and ducks behind a table. everyones fucking screaming. he looks up right at us.

at me.

his eyes are wide and half his face is stained with blood. his sisters blood.

we fucked up.

"woo lets fucking go!" i yell to him and abandon the gun. wooyoung stares in horror as he stands up. i run to him and grab his arm. "come on!"

we run down the stairs and into the crowd of people, and we see hongjoong right there. his eyes are murderous as he pulls out a gun and starts chasing after us, shooting blindly. we duck inbetween bystanders, running out of the front gate. hes fucking bolting after us. woo and i dart down the street, making a turn into the street lucas is parked. we hop into the car just as hongjoong appears at the end of the street and aims his gun at the car.

"drive!" i scream. lucas pulls out of the parking as a bullet hits the back windshield, caving the entire thing in. "put your heads down!" lucas yells.

the car speeds off as more shots explode behind us and hongjoong stands in the middle of the street, watching until we disappear out of his sight.

"i fucked up!" wooyoung screams, beating the back of lucas's seat. "how did i fuck up so bad!"

"what happened?" yaera asks, her face crestfallen. "what did you..."

"he accidentally shot his sister," i answer. "its fine. its fine. mingi's dead."

"but we needed HIM dead!" woo's voice completely breaks. "i fucking shot a girl on her wedding day."

"its too late now okay!" i snap. "its fucking done. we're leaving. tomorrow youre going to hongkong and im going to cuba. they dont know that. let them be the 108ths problem. fuck miss A."

woo holds his head in his hands and starts sobbing. lucas starts going at a lightning speed, and i just wish i could disappear.

even if we fucked up. its over. it has to be.

***

next chapter

tagslist: @mountiiny @brown88 @sansonlygf @mingkisbitch @yutaslaugh

[makingspiritualityreal]

Hi 🌻 Hope you are rocking in life right now! (This might get a bit dark..includes mentions of deaths and violence..but none have my involvement, just experiences)

I had a curious question and I wonder if I could understand it better if you had some insights to share.

So..since my Rahu md started, I had quite a few experiences with death. Not of close ones or anything, just in general..as if I have become more "aware" and "sensitive" towards death. Let me elaborate. I wasn't the type who was into watching news or such, but I became too emotionally involved with 1) death of a woman (absolute stranger I saw on tv) who was brutally murdered and whose body was cut into several pieces and disposed by her live-in partner. I saw myself in her and cried for days.

2) death of a girl (saw on youtube, happened 10 years or so back, definitely was a murder ...she was strangled.. but still nobody knows who killed her..strangely, her own parents were convicted and had been serving the prison sentence..they still claim they didnt kill her .but things were sus)

3) suicide of a celebrity (which some people think could have been murdered) this man rose to fame from rags

4) suicide of younger brother of my brother's childhood friend ( a year back) . This was too close. I didnt know him personally, but it did leave an impact on me.

5) death of a girl who lived on the first floor of my building. Again, I dont know her, but she was of my age and her parents claimed she was sick and some people are saying she was murdered by her own parents.

6) weird burnt meat smell I am getting these days from the front door of my house, every evening following her death..which is really weird because never happened before.

7) seeing from my window, dead bodies being carried in covens on the street.

8) my vivid dream of the Parsian Tower of silence and a gruesome dead body whose internals were being eaten by birds.

9) seeing a group of street dogs brutally ripping apart a cat, at night.

10) witnessing a gang fight where a group of weirdos struck their own member's head with a rock over some argument or something (damn, I had never imagined it existed in real life)

These are some of my experiences that have left an imprint on my mind. I am not paranoid, and I accept death (not to forget, the death of my ego..several times, over the past few years and how my reality keeps shifting and changing). I do see a recurring theme of the "head" being severed or involvement of parental figures..but I am not certain.

During the initial months of the rahu or ending period of mars, I admit, I was a bit hopeless and lost and did fantasise about dying. I don't do that anymore and think we will die someday anyway. I have resolved to see this body as a means of divine manifestation and work.

So my question is, what themes do you see in these experiences of mine? Any nakshatra imbalance or prominence you feel is going on? What strikes your mind when you hear about these? It would be nice if there is some astrological aspects that seem to be playing out for it would make much more sense and give a direction to my perspective.

Deeply grateful for all of your work.

May we all find true happiness and look after ourselves with ease.

Rahu Dasha

You didn't give me any details of your Rahu or your chart in general that could give me an indication of what causes such a result. Certain Nakshatras definitely have a tendency to produce such results, but it depends on the house, aspect etc.

Every Mars or Rahu in every chart is different, so each dasha will produce a different result and there is a number of chart factors that will determine that, making a Rahu dasha unique for everyone. You can't associate any of the events you mentioned just with these Grahas, much less interpret anything that happened to you without astrological context.

Everything that happens to us is for a reason. Death for one person will mean something else than it does for another. These events exist for a reason in your life, but that's why we have Astrology to help us decipher what we should be looking for and what is life trying to teach us.

The theme of Rahu in general, as you can find in many of my articles, is developing cold blood. After the strategizing of Mars, we take our tactical tendencies to a new level. As a malefic, Rahu teaches us about the ultimate meaninglessness of certain attachments and gives us a brutal reality check. That is initially painful, but then we become accepting of it.

[duck-ism]

Blog Post #00001

01/07/25

Deep Inhale, Deep Exhale “Okay Duck you got this”

*turns to non- existent audience tapping a microphone that squeals irretiably*

B/N: this part was so much funnier to me when I wrote it

Hi, I’m Ducky, or Llewyn, only myself or my friends & family really call me Llew so dont hit me with a “Hey, Llew!”, right out the doors, *processing thought: god, this awful* but you can use whatever, I guess that's a necessary intro to… this.

Where to start, okay… well uhh I’m 20 as of last April & will be 21 this year (2025) I’m not one for complaining so much, but this is a blog where I’m going to I guess just write what I know and what I feel so I’m sorry if anything comes across that way. Just kinda need a place to prove to myself that I’m growing as a person and I’m not horrible or whatever any of my other mental difficulties want me to believe.

 I don't think that I’m the greatest thing in my parents lives, I’m certainly not the favorite, bit of a disappointment if you ask me, I failed & dropped out of the first college I went to for a Law Clerk program. (pretty much people who help lawyers & stuff, they’re over glorified secretaries ngl) The only reason I did was a whole lot of things happened. See a bit of background on me is that when I was three (3) years old my mother and father got divorced & I’ve been in my mom’s custody since (well, until I was 18), anyways my dad died a year prior (2022) to when I had dropped out (2023) & I was still grieving, I still do, but I had also that year prior, lost one of my high-school friends & my grandfather around the same time I lost my dad. You can maybe imagine the emotional stress of it all mixed with an abusive boyfriend of almost 3 years & having to break up with him, he was at the same school as me & being around him scared me too *exhales* okay calm down now…. 

Yea, at the time it was… a lot but, I also took time to heal, I guess what I guess you would consider a gap year to figure my shit out I think for the first time in a while I was able to breathe properly, that’s also the time when I met the men who I now refer to as my older brothers, who I will in future context refer to as (from oldest to youngest), Bat, Pigeon, and Racoon, they’re my safe space the people I trust most in the world along with Bat’s wife, Cat (no, I didn’t intend that they have rhyming names I’m just assigning them animal nicknames for anonymity), I trust them most in the world. In my gap year, I also just didn’t date anyone, I had been with my abusive ex for nearly three years, I needed a break from all of that, & I needed to focus on myself.

As October of my gap year came around I was told by my step-dad (who I don’t much like for reasons of a traumatic childhood) that I “Need to go back to school in January or expect to work full-time and start paying $600 rent a month” which with the chronic pain I have due to a condition that will remain undisclosed for the time, didn’t sound great if I wanted to avoid flare ups so I started looking for anything that I could start in january, thats when I found it in all it's glory, a beginners American Sign Language (ASL) program. Perfect, I’m Hard of Hearing & use hearing aids, this is a perfect chance to learn about the Deaf Community & improve on the little bit of ASL I already knew so I took that as a part-time course, & finished in March, I did well too. Now I’m at a different school, but for the same thing, ASL. I was unable to get one of the courses I needed last semester & I failed part one of a course I needed too, I passed 2 of my courses though at bare minimum, it's not that I don't understand the work, I do, my Attention Deficiet Hyper-activity Disorder (ADHD) brain was never taught good study habits & that’s something I’m teaching myself to do now because of late diagnoses. However, the program I’m in didn't kick me out. I just need to retake the necessary courses in September, which I’m okay with.

Anyways, enough background information. I’m more than just my unsteady academic career, I do have what you call hobbies & interests. I for starters play bass guitar, I got it when I turned 16 from my dad, I also come from a baseball family (Go Blue Jays) which I mostly follow but I do kinda follow Hockey & American Football because of Racoon (hockey) & Cat (football) who like those sports. I also do cosplay, & you can find me @/duckystitch.cos on Instagram & Tik Tok. I also like reading, doing digital art, and video games, as well as a whole lot of other stuff. Some very elementary details about me is my favorite color is green, my favorite show is either ‘The X-Files’ or ‘X-Men ‘97’ & my favorite movies are, ‘Army of Darkness’, ‘Pacific Rim’, & ’House of  Wax (2005)’ which Racoon introduced me to when I first met him.

Anyways, this is my introduction and official first blog . Thanks if you stick around, I suppose. I'll see you all later.

-Ducky He/Him

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

2024 was really a time of trial and error for me. i can say i hated the year but those were the errors from the trials, and most of them were my choices anyway. but of course, had i known the outcome was brutal, i would have reconsidered these choices.

2024 was very painful, but i did do things i never would have imagined me doing.

like going on a dating app. huhhh?? who is she???? who was she. me, the introvert and homebody, actually went out and met people?? strangers from the net no less? when i hate being perceived? and when i get anxiety by socialising?? thats crazyyyyy. but i did it. not there anymore. and will never be. the last guy propelled me to get of the app for good lol. im now more confident of how i look too from that, bc guys who are goodlooking swiped me right. that was a major ego boost but again, male validation is gross and they might be just objectifying. but i guess partly bc of that, i know i am not ugly.

which brings me to my next one, finding someone i loved dearly and who "i guess" i felt gave me love... to an extent. i went on 3-4 diff. dates with diff dudes, an excrutiating amount of talking stages and i finally thought i met the one. mmmm this one felt like felt. it felt like we were meant to be. typical story of how are moms were childhood friends and were close in highschool. his mom has my bday. they live in the village where my grandpa lived before. our sun & moon signs are opposite of eachother. the moon on our bdays was the new moon and reflected facing eachother. like a mirror. i felt like he was an extention of myself. his pain i felt. what i am, i saw in him. also we both have the strangest names. huwaina. k/hairurr/abiee. thats so funny and unique and special to me. no one we know has our name. it was always fun with him. i felt safe earlier on. we always have something to say. with him, i felt oddly peaceful. but again, he also brought chaos in my life. and i was also used as a result! so theres a war in my head thats constantly tugging my brain at the seams. did i mean anything to him and how true was his feelings for me if he was trying to get over someone else in the mix? but anyway i will never know. and even if i asked him, would he tell me the truth? and if the truth is my biggest fear, then do i truly want to know? or should i just pretend that he loves me in this space where he cant reach me and hurt me?

its been 5ish months, almost 6??? i cant say ive fully moved on. had i known he was not written to be mine, i would have turned back time and wish we never met. but it is through him i finally was able to be vulnerable and open and experience what its like to be in love and have someone love me back. and that the love i thought i couldnt attain, i so could. so i know i can find love and i am loveable. i dont have to work so hard for it. so im gonna take this with me and i hope i do right with my next (hopefully eternal) lover. 6 months in, i finally realised and have accpeted he was just a lesson. eventhough i really wish he wasnt. hes engraved in my heart.

hmm what else. oh job. i quit my teaching job that was hell. but little did i know job searching for 5 months was a different kind of hell. i think this year alone, i want to like 15 interviews, and only managed to get into 2 and even then it was something i applied towards the end of the year. applied for scholarships too but didnt get through. a mess and was so emotionally taxing bc i wasnt financially stable, and was mending a broken heart lmaoooo. that was the worst.

lost alot along the way. him, my grandma, my cats. its been a disaster of a year. should it have happened? probably not. i dont think all of this was even warranted in the name of "growth". i feel like i would have grown either way, and there must be better routes to learn and grow that didnt require me getting trauma along the way.

but through all this, i found God and seek refuge to Him and Him alone. i feel like my relationship got closer. and I dont hate Him and blame him any more for my own wrong doings. and i also am more patient amd graceful with myself. i dont really treat myself cruelly.

but i hope this years different. i dont want to try so hard, and not see anything good come out of it. and i wont be repeating mistakes. i hope this year will be kinder to me. please please please.

[tensbowl]

get to know me (dec 2024)

1. favorite color?

navy blue!

2. lucky number?

3 and multiples of 3.. specifically 9 (THREE whole 3s!)

3. favorite book?

the odyssey by homer

4. favorite movie(s) and/or shows?

show: modern family movies: 20th century girl, wolf children, tick tick boom

5. how tall are you?

180cm (164cm)

6. do you speak any other languages?

i speak english and korean! i've been learning chinese since i was like 6 but im mediocre at best. and i took spanish for one year........ la ducha

7. whats your favorite trope?

idk but i love jokes that get dragged on for too long

8. what is the one thing you look for in a partner?

kindness !

9. favorite songs/artists?

currently fav artists are mcr, will wood, stray kids, queen, mafumafu! favorite song atm is save yourself by mcr

10. who was your childhood hero?

idk if i ever had one...

11. what song did you overplay as a kid?

it wasn't when i was super young but i played rpg by srmfusk 132 times in middle school.. yikes

12. what movie did you over-watch as a kid?

harry potter (specifically the prisoner of azkaban because i had a crush on rupert grint)

13. iced or hot drinks?

iced

13. if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

transformation..!

14. whats your ideal date?

something fun and memorable.. like an amusement park

15. what grade are you in?

currently eleventh! (junior)

16. are you a good driver?

... depends who you ask! i think i'm good but my dad disagrees :(

17. sum up your personality in three words.

sociable, awkward, impulsive

18. are you a good cook? what do you enjoy making the most?

noooo omg i am banned from all kitchens everywhere

19: comfort movie/show?

probably modern family & haikyuu

20. an album with no skips?

danger days by mcr!

21. where do you most want to travel?

i would love to go to korea.. i usually go twice a year but recently it's been dwindling..!

22. future career/career plans?

screenwriter.. if all goes well

23. do you like kids?

no

24. whats one weird thing about you?

there are many things strange about me (or so i have been told)

25. what did you want to be when you were younger?

journalist, soldier, artist, writer, actor, graphic designer, interior designer, lawyer, youtuber, circus ringleader, the tooth fairy, musician, producer, director, singer, game developer, game designer...... the list goes on

26. whats your favorite ship?

the art of shipping has been lost to me for forever but back in The Day i used to be a heavy bokuaka shipper LMAO

27. whats the first show/movie that made you cry?

christopher robin (movie) orrrr wolf children (movie)

28. what do you eat for breakfast?

usually some fried potatoes or a bagel. cereal if i love myself

29. what’s one of your fondest memories?

building snowmen with my dad in the mountains !

30. whose the most important person/favorite person in your life?

bang chan probably (lmao)

31. introvert or extrovert?

extrovert!

32. favorite animals?

wolves, dogs, fish, cows, and cats are some of my favs

33. favorite shoes?

i LOOOOOVE my nikes. and my uggs. oh my god and my 2 inch platform crocs. AND my minecraft themed crocs ugh

34. favorite candle scent?

i dont really fw candles..

35. what are your biggest fears?

drowning, asphyxiation, electrocution, and FIRES...

36. what’s your ideal rainy day scenario?

sleeping through it... i hate rainy days

37. do you plan outfits in advance?

depends.. !

38. if time travel existed, where would you go? past or future?

past

39. your favorite genre of music atm?

jpop/jrock, rock

40. netflix or hulu?

youtube...

41. favorite youtuber?

danny gonzalez BIG fan

42. is there a genre of music you dont like?

i don't like edm and recently indie has been.. not hitting the same :(

43. an author you wont read

a lot actually.. i HATE stephanie meyer and colleen hoover though LOL

44. fav dessert?

sugarbomb tomatoes MMMMM

45. flowers or chocolates?

chocolates!

46. do you have any tattoos or want any?

i want one when i turn 18! i'll get a little fish on my hand methinks

47. what is your favorite quote?

"by love that first did prompt me to inquire..." from romeo and juliet

48. favorite flower?

frangipani!

49. favorite season?

summerrrrr all the way

50. a song that stays stuck in your head?

recently 'dancing through life' from wicked.. might be cuz of the movie

questions from @/livtries !

[crescendeyes]

growth is hard especially when you're broken hearted

29 April is when everything officially ended between Aaron and I. The forever person that I rekindled with is now once again out of my life.

We spent 2 weeks travelling from KL to Phuket back to KL and to Taiwan together. Our families met each other, we bought furniture for the house and we even went around the cities spending the best time together.

Alas, not all fairytales exist. We've had arguments that made me feel unsafe. His unkind comments whenever he rages and his selfishness to escalate a disagreement instead of de-escalating; made me realise that this isn't somebody I can see myself feeling safe around.

Early this year when we decided to give things another shot again, I told him that he would not be my priority. My family & career comes first. After 2022's ordeal, I've decided to make it my mission to make and save as much money as I could. To work extremely hard to have that safety net financially so that I could reap the benefits of it in the future in case of a storm or for luxury.

With the death of yet another relationship, I found this one extremely numbing yet not as dramatically painful as it should be. I found myself moping in sadness and pain and yet the silence was so profoundly loud in my serene apartment. I stopped caring bout taking care of myself for a few days.

They said heartbreak is as physically painful as it is mental and emotional. I felt that at every inch of my core. I lost my home, my forever person and my anchor to my life.

Home was where the heart is right?

Aaron was my home. Aaron was the person I woke up to and the person I fell asleep to. He was the one I turn to for forehead kisses and sweaty palms. The kisses my lips land on in the middle of the night and in the dusk of the morning.

I don't think people understand how much I've grieved in the past couple of years. No one truly cares bout me. It was especially apparent in the way things ended the second time around with Aaron. I asked, "How can someone so serious about me decides to end things with me in the most volatile way?"

Eventually that silence sets in and Tristan offered me to foster his cat for a few days - and now its been 4 days and I absolutely love this cat. She's my emotional support cat lol.

Today I had the most intense heart to heart talk with my mom. So much of it was shouting and screaming and crying. So much of it was my mom apologizing and telling me she loves me. I love her too. But inside I felt so extremely sad that I had to tell her I hate her and resent her for letting me suffer through so much in my childhood that it affected my relationships with people growing up.

I dont know what else to do but she promised me to speak to Justin; to mend our relationship. I don't know if this is the legacy she wants to leave behind but if it is, I would be proud of her. This Friday she and I will finally enter Therapy. I truly hope she feels better.

[twinsimskeletons]

having a really poopy time of it this weekend and next week is going to be hell (two full days with first year high school kids that spend their time trying to be cool, then some stuff with a primary school all crammed into one day). i don’t really get excited/look forward to things (i enjoy my day to day life so big rewards don’t really hit me until it’s time to have em) and my mum is coming to stay at the end of the week, but surviving until then is going to be a bitch

[thoriffix]

Can you rec some media with canon queer characters 😌

ofc!! thisll by no means be an exhaustive list but idk what youre looking for specifically so ill break it into categories

my current favs!! if u follow me u know these already lol

the umbrella academy: netflix show abt dysfunctional superpowered siblings reuniting to stop the apocalypse. canon mlm character (pansexual according to his actor) w mlm romance, canon wlw character (lesbian according to someone on the show dont rmr who) w het romance in s1, wlw romance in s2 - this is one of my absolute fav shows at the minute in general its brilliant

the magnus archives: horror podcast abt the head archivist of an institute researching experiences w the supernatural. protagonist is canonically biromantic asexual, in a mlm relationship in s5, and there is another canon bisexual character, as well as (iirc) a canon wlw couple - yall know ive been so into tma lately its so so good, obviously if you dont like horror its not for you but if you do.. 👀

sanders sides: youtube series abt a gay dude working out his emotional problems via personified aspects of his personality. all the characters are gay cuz thas what thomas is baby! - i was hesitant abt putting this cuz thomas is a person not a character lol but if u haven't seen sasi i recommend it its like free therapy but theres songs sometimes

shows!

julie and the phantoms (netflix remake): musical show abt a teen girl rediscovering music after her mothers death w the help of three ghosts who were in a 90s band. canon gay character w a slow burn romance (not yet canon bfs but s2 lets go) - its very cheesy and the musical segments can drag on a bit but its p good overall

lucifer: detective show abt lucifer abandoning his rule of hell to buy a nightclub and beginning to solve murders w the lapd. lucifer is canonically bi/pan, as is his demon pal mazikeen, but queerness rly isnt a focus of the show its more casual rep - that being said its a good show overall, if a little predictable now n then (s1-3 on amazon prime, 4+5 on netflix)

kipo and the age of wonderbeasts: fantasy cartoon set in a future filled w mutant intelligent animals, kipo finds herself lost and has to get home w the help of her friends. canon gay character as one of the mains, canon nb side character - its a rly good cartoon! lots of fun, excellent soundtrack, and the main characters are all poc which is rly nice to see

the dragon prince: cartoon abt two princes and an elf assassin returning a dragon egg to its mother. canon mlm couple, several canon wlw characters, canon nb character - i havent seen the show myself but ive heard very good things abt it!

i am not okay with this: netflix show abt a teen girl discovering she has superpowers and hating it. protag is canon wlw (i THINK shes a lesbian but i havent watched it in a hot sec), developing wlw relationship - ianowt slaps! sad that s2 got cancelled but s1 is real good its a touch spooky and theres a bit of gore/blood so watch out lol

schitt's creek: sitcom abt a rich family who lose all their money and have to move into the motel of a town they bought as a joke. canon pansexual character and canon gay character w one of the sweetest mlm relationships - a rly good witty show w excellent character development for every character!

good omens: show abt a demon and an angel trying to stop the end of the world. every celestial character in it is nonbinary, + crowley and aziraphale have a nonexplicit (ie no on screen pda lol) romance - good omens is such a good queer show none of the characters care abt gender in the slightest lmao, plus the show in general is fantastic (the book is also very good)

movies!

the old guard: a group of immortals fight an organisation that wants to capitalise off their immortality. canon mlm couple - another one i havent seen yet (i will!) but apparently very good

it chapter 2: horror sequel to It, w the main characters returning to derry to defeat pennywise for good. canon gay character in unrequited love - i only say chapter 2 because his queerness isnt referenced at all in the first film, again its big horror and theres no gay romance just gay tragedy but its a good film

love, simon: romcom about a closeted gay teen falling in love w someone over emails. do i even need to state the rep? - honestly if u haven't seen love simon yet what are you even DOING its so good proper fluffy queer romcom, the book (simon vs the homosapiens agenda) is also really good!! so is the sequel (leah on the offbeat) where the protag is a bi girl + it focuses on a wlw romance

the way he looks: brazilian coming of age film abt a blind teen boy falling for the new kid at his school. canon mlm relationship - this doesnt seem to be on (british) netflix anymore so idk where youd find it with subtitles but i rmr liking it a lot!

games!

night in the woods: 2d platformer abt a young woman (well. cat) dropping out of college and coming home to live w her parents + discovering spooky happenings in her hometown. canon mlm couple and i believe the protag is canonically bi? - i will recommend nitw to literally anyone who will listen its one of my all time favourite games, deals w a lot of mental health issues and its absolutely gorgeous w a brilliant soundtrack and rly good dialogue thats witty and serious and realistic (its on steam + switch for sure dk abt other platforms, abt 15 quid i think?)

tell me why: adventure game abt twins returning to their childhood home + findin Secrets. canon trans male character - i havent got around to buying + playing this yet but it looks really good! (its in three chapters + on steam, not sure on price)

other media!

the art of being normal: slice of life novel abt a young trans girl discovering herself. main characters are a trans man and a trans woman. - a good novel! trigger warning for transphobic actions including descriptions of a transphobic attack on the guy, and its certainly not without its faults otherwise, but i thought it was pretty good

the adventure zone: dungeons and dragons podcast by the mcelroy brothers. idk specifics but theres a lot of canon queer characters in it! - i havent listened to taz yet but i know a lot abt it, inc that its good and funny and has plenty of queer rep

theres several more i like that arent listed here but to keep this from getting just ridiculously long ill leave it there :] tried to get a range of genres and medias, hopefully theres something for you in there!

[thewritingstar]

Falling Back to You

Pairing: Blossick (Blossom x Brick, Reds)

Fandom: The Powerpuff Girls

Soft, sweet reds because I've been feeling angsty lately and needed a breather lol. Sorry to everyone who follows me for other fandoms, I promise Ill write more for FT (you can always leave asks lol)

Tag List: @over-under-through1 @shellielyzabeth (if you want to be on my tag list, you can find the post or dm me)

I hope you enjoy. This has been sitting in my drafts for a few months and decided to just finish it lol. 

---

“I’m surprised you don’t have your hat on.” A voice came from behind him. But not just any voice. The moment the first word left those lips, the hair on his neck stood up and sent a familiar chill down his back. It was a voice that he knew well, could distinguish in a crowd of a thousand voices, it was the equivalent of his favorite song or the taste of the sweetest thing to melt in your mouth.

“Blossom.” He said under his breath but her super hearing picked it up.

She thought she was prepared to see him, after all its been two years. That’s enough time to heal, right? But she prayed that he didn’t hear the small gasp that escaped her lips as he turned. That crisp dark red suit fit him like a glove and she spotted him from a mile away in that signature color. He looked good in red.

“Hi.” She managed to say smoothly as he took a step towards her. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked with a reluctant tone. It was only the most important night of his life. The one where he would be promoted to the head of the department, the one he busted his ass off from the ground up. Not to mention an award for a case he worked on last year. 

She shrugged and bit her lip. “My boss is here and I have to write a report for him.” Then added. “And I wasn’t going to miss the achievement you have been talking about for literal years.” She said shyly. “I promised after all.” 

And she did. Back when they had dated all those years ago. Blossom was by his side as he worked from being an assistant at the law firm to one of the most promising lawyers, and now the highest ranked lawyer, but she missed the last part. Unfortunately. 

He studied his ass off and she did too, both of them determined to outshine anyone in their paths, maybe that why they chose different companies. They had traded their childhood rivalry for a path of lust and love, a simple competition would not be throwing them down that path. In fact their jobs were the reason they weren’t together.

“You remembered.” He said under his breath. She heard it, of course. 

She tapped her foot and looked around before giving a puzzling look. “Wheres Jasmine?” It pained her to ask. 

Jasmine. Oh yes, his girlfriend who couldn’t be bothered to celebrate to most important time of his career. Or rather, ex girlfriend, As of last night where he found her with another man. 

“Not my girlfriend.” He simply stated as she nodded before taking a sip of her drink. 

It must have been good if she brought it to her lips. Blossom loved a good cocktail but if it was hard liquor, she required top shelf, something he admired. He was like that too and was the reason she only drank the highest quality. 

“What about Tyson?” 

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Not my boyfriend.” She said bitterly and he didn’t know why he was happy about it. “Cheated on me for a blonde.” Her glass was on the verge of cracking before she smoothed out her dress. “Typical.” 

He hummed in agreement. There was a feeling of anger running through him as he thought about any man hurting Blossom, sure he hurt her too but nothing like that. No their fight was different, it was a fight about whats best for both of them. 

They had just under an hour before the cermony started. He didn’t want to bother being inside socailzing with a bunch of random people and he had a feeling she didn’t either. The wide open hallway was becoming stuffy and he could see a trio of men walking their way and knew Blossom would become the talking point. 

Before Brick could turn them the other way, the men were already there. 

“Brick.” The tall one spat. 

“Landon.” Brick matched his tone. What a dumb name he thought. 

Landon turned and did not bother to hide the fact that he was checking out Blossom. Of course he was. Even in her simple black cocktail dress that screamed sophistication, she was a walking dream. 

“And you are?” He gave her a smirk that could charm anyone, expcet for Blossom of course. 

Brick was pracitcally smiling as Blossom shook his hand. He knew she wouldn’t take his bait. 

“Blossom Utonium. Head of corrupt affairs at Duchess Law.” She started with what Brick likes to call her “Miss Business voice”. 

Landon smirked. “Duchess Law? Someones a smart cookie.” He winked. 

The other men behind him agreed and Blossom held her tounge. She hated being patronized or looked down on. He should be thanking the lucky stars that he’s even in her presence.

Brick could tell she was annoyed and wrapped his arm around her waist before looking at Landon. “She makes more money than all three of you combine and actally can win a case so show some repect.” He spat and he turned them around towards the back doors that led to the garden space. 

The feeling of having his arm around her sent a spark through her body. At first it felt foreign but the memories came rolling in waves as they walked.

“I could handle myself.” She stated and he hid his laugh.

“I know, but you won’t because of your repuation. I for one don’t care about mine that much.”

“Or maybe its because you still care.” She teased as she sat on the stone bench with him. 

He was about to response but his phone began to ring. He wanted to ignore it but Blossom probably would say something about it. 

“Its Butch.” He said before trying to put it back into his pocket. 

“You should anwser it. I’m sure he’s wanting to wish his brother well.”

He huffed and anwsered on the final ring. 

“Hello?”

“Hey quick question. Do you think that I would win in a fight against Thanos?” 

Brick only shook his head.

“Butch.”

“Its serious cause Buttercup doesn’t think so but I could take him for sure.” 

Blossom was holding a hand to her mouth as the guy kept going on about the stupid question. 

“Oh shit dude, tonights your night!”

“Yes it is now Imma hang up now.”

“Brick be nice.”

“Wait a minute bro. Is that Miss Blossom with you?”

“Yes because shes the only one who bothered to care.”

“Hey you’re the one who said not to come. Anyways tell her I said hi and that you two should totally get back together because you kept going on and on about how you missed her and leaving her was the worst choice you made-” The line cut dead and the phone was shoved in his pocket. 

“Hes stupid.” He mumbled and Blossom drank the rest of her drink. 

“Hes not wrong.”

He turned towards her and gazed silently. She was just as he remembered. Gorgeous and graceful and even without a word spoken, she could command a room. He admired her greatly and she felt the same. 

“Brick, can we just skip all of it?” She asked softly. 

“I’ve kinda been looking forward to my award.”

“No, not this.” She gestured to the building. “But this.” She pointed between them. 

“Skip what?”

“Oh I don’t know, the drama of it all? Because if we don’t confess now we are going to waste so much time running after each other and I-I dont want to waste time.” She looked down at her shoes. A sad sigh leaving her lips. “I just miss you.” 

The confession surprised him. They were both forward people who never beat around the bush but when it came to their feelings between them, they had always been shy. Boomer and Bubbles were easy to confess and even Butch and Buttercup seemed to have it together but for them, it felt impossible sometimes.

No matter where he turned, she was there. They had always crossed paths like star-crossed lovers and it was as if the universe was constantly pulling them together and they had tried. They really did. 

Perhaps the timing wasn’t enough or their pride had stood in the way. they never meant to fall apart the way they did but when the other side of the bed was empty, those walls they held up became transparent and it only took a mere few seconds to see what they had lost. 

But he understood what she meant. They both knew that if anything were to happen between them tonight it would start a snowball effect that everyone was tired of seeing. Over and over they would fall in line and build each other up before something came between them and pulled them apart. 

He wanted to get past all the hurdles of playing cat and mouse until on of them caved and said their feelings. But her saying she missed him wasn’t her caving, she was just tired and so was he.

They had been young when they had fallen in love. The rules of life tossing them into a sea of doubt but now they were adults who knew the game and could easily avoid anything in their paths, except each other. 

His hand slid over hers. “I missed you too.”

She smiled softly before her hand rested on his cheek. “I’m really proud of you Brick, you’ve come along way.” 

“I’m just happy you got to see it.” He whispered before his lips touched hers with a fire they both had missed. 

A swirl of fire and ice that only they knew. No matter how much life decided to pull them apart or change the course, he would always find himself coming back to her. 

The kiss didn’t last as long as he would have liked but seeing the faint blush on her cheeks made it all worth it. 

“What are you doing later?” He asked as he helped her up from the bench. 

“I was going to get take out and sit in my hotel room watching movies.” 

Brick leaned over to fix the bow in her hair, taking the time to have her close. “I don’t suppose you would accept any company?” He winked before kissing the back of her hand and handing her the red purse.

“I think I can make an exception.” She winked and he had never thought she had looked more stunning. 

She took his hand, their palms resting naturally together, before walking back to the ceremony, where he would leave with not only his award but the woman he had loved for years and years. 

--

was the ending lazy? yes. do I care, only a little bit. Lol. I’ve had a really off day so I hope this is good.

Hope you enjoyed :) 

[softboyscully]

Public School Stuff I Wanted to Share

public school is both beautiful and horrifying am i right

so ill just go by the grades i guess

Kindergarten, first year

i did kindergartden at a catholic school in a relativly big city so this one’s got some shit

we went to church every wednesday, me and best friend (lost track of her when we moved, wish we’d stayed in touch, she was awesome) would giggle the whole time, pretty sure we made fun of jesus once, can’t remember why, possibly the hair

i had the nicest teacher, she was (as i remember her) young, blonde, and super sweet, that was the first and last year i ever had naptime

SPEAKING of naptime

i never slept during it

once i found what i remember being a nut of some sort on the ground, probably came off someone’s shoe

i grab it, turn to sarah (my best friend), say something about putting it up my nose

sarah, apparently having common sense, says, “no dont do it!! we’re supposed to be sleeping!!”

i put it up my fucking nose

try to get it out, just push it farther in

im crying a little bit now, that shit hurts

go up to my teacher

“you’re supposed to be asleep!”

“i have a nut up my nose and it wont come out”

teacher tries to get it out, but it wont budge

just. sends me back to my mat

that was it

the art room was tiny

like re-purposed broom closet tiny

there was a copy of the mona lisa in the hallway, someone had drawn ray bans on it with a pencil, never got replaced

there was a creepy-ass basement i went down to after school, we ate cheeseballs and sandwiches with some kind of meat, mayo, and that kinda yellow bread

someone broke his leg down there once, think an older kid threw him at the ceiling or something

we learned how to play Silver Bells with actual bells in music class

Kindergarten, second year

i remember these two teachers as the evil step sister-type look, but it might be my little kid imagination

but seriously they were horrible

we learned stuff in a room that was more middle-school styled, except everything was green or black and it was v dark

me and sarah attained a new friend, john

honestly i think we would’ve stayed friends for a while if i didnt move away

i have two vivid memories

one is of me really wanting to go home, so i walked by the teacher’s desk and did a fake sneeze

they laughed at me and told me to go sit back down

the other is  john leaning his chair back and then falling, so me and sarah went to help him back up

it was funny, so he did it again

and again

me and sarah were laughing, had the time of our lives

after the maybe fifth time the teachers said “john can get back up by himself. sit down and stay there.”

one of the reasons we moved was bc i got sent a letter from my fourth grade buddie

most of the words weren’t spelled correctly, many letters were backwards

my mother was horrified

ofc now we know it was probably a learning disability 

1st grade

this is when i moved

beginning of school i was ASTOUNDED we didnt have uniforms, one of the best things ever to happen to me

nothing wrong with this teacher, she was cool

thing is i was a little shit

told everyone my dogs died (they did but i was maybe three when it happened, i remember it not)

all my personal narratives were bullshit (only one sticks in my memory, wrote it about celebrating christmas AND hanukkah with my dad’s friends who were jewish, i have never even met those friends)

had a crush on this kid, best friend (she was terrible and helped wreck me emotionally) told me to kiss him in music class. me being a stupid ass bitch, i did it, aND HE GOES TO THE TEACHER AND CALLS ME OUT. at the end of class she gets both of us to stay for a bit, AND I DENYIED EVERYTHING. i walked across the fucking classroom, kissed him on the cheek, ran away giggling, told my teacher i didn’t do anything, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. i’ve embarrassed myself further with this child but thats another story

2nd grade

i loved this teacher but honestly he was absolute shit

like. all he did was play the guitar and sing with us

never actually taught us stuff???

middle of the year, my mom goes in for a parent-teacher conference, he tells her i dont pay attention is math.

“what do you mean?”

“she doesn’t listen, she just takes out a book and starts reading.”

“........have you.... tried taking the book away?”

“sure, i could try that.”

“o....kay”

he also told her i’d be a girl who’d grow up to love spellcheck (which i do lmao)

like ???? why not just??? teach me to spell????

there was this one dude who one day showed up, gave me a pink stuffed cat, and then asked me where i lived

funniest thing was he lived on the same street as me

something that is vivid in my memory is showing up to class one day and realizing that i was wearing my regular clothes over my pajamas

also we had fish

every day someone else was in charge of feeding them

one of the times it was my job, i grab the fish food and walk over to the tank only to find all of the fish floating on the top

i screamed “THE FISH CAN FLY?!?!?!?!?!”

everyone ran over, all of us scarred for life when Mr. G walks over and goes in the most normal voice ever “no theyre dead”

we held a funeral

the cause of death is still undetermined

3rd grade

this year just draws a blank for me

all i know is that whoever the teacher was, they neglected to teach me how to tell time from a clock

also we learned the Cotten Eyed Joe dance in gym around here

4th grade

i had two teachers this year

one was the same one from 1st grade, the other one was a total bitch

made a girl named hannah ball her eyes out once, never apologized

i was (and am) and avid reader, so my reading skills were high above average

instead of being proud of me she told me i was weird, not normal, and too smart for a 4th grader, so i MUST be cheating. 

she was the start of a lot of self confidence issues for me ngl

this was around the time i went and got tested for ADHD (me and my grandmother almost broke down on the highway but thats another story), Mrs. M (the nice one) was super supportive when i told her why i was leaving early but Ms. S (bitch) told me ADHD wasn’t real and i just wanted to be special for once

she sucked, Ms. S

5th grade

this is getting super long so this’ll be the last one i do

but my teacher..... Mr. F was A+++++

he legitimately taught me math

we had i guess like,,, a buddie class we switched with sometimes

the teacher of that class was Mrs. R, who had crazy red hair and many freckles

at one point she referenced a meme and my entire class started screaming

also there was another Mrs. S (to differentiate this one will be called Mrs. Su)

she was kind of crazy

she was the astronomy teacher and she told us many times that the moon landing was faked

once she handed out sunscreen and had everyone put it on their whole body (this was in december, fyi)

Mr. F also hosted an ‘archeological dig’ which sounds cool but in reality he had a bunch of arcade prizes from his childhood buried in little flower pots we dug into with plastic spoons

also heres some stuff i cants pinpoint the time of/happened in multiple grades:

someone held a who-can-scream-the-most-like-a-goat contest

a guy named Makenzie won

remember we planned it while the teacher left the classroom so the teacher walks back in and one by one everyone in the room starts screaming, there was some applause, a few kids got a standing ovation

we cleaned out our desks in the middle of the year, i found 3 socks and a dog treat in mine

like how the fuck did any of those things get there

and where’s the fourth sock

b o t t l e f l i p p i n g

but no seriously there were at least five water bottles stuck in the ceiling in the cafeteria

my sorta friend charlie was obsessed with paper airplanes

one time he might’ve broken the world record for longest time in the air but he was counting in his head and it was at recess so there was no video

four square and gaga ball would be played no matter the setting, time, or conditions and it was super competitive

like if you could get to king in four square you got the everlasting respect of everyone

and everyone was super educated on four square special rules, special plays, that kinda shit

no but guys i grew up with bus stop, candy store, haunted house on mondays, haunted mansion on fridays, zombies was fair game unless it was Zach, Ryan, Chrissy or Vee

me and one other guy named andrew were the only known pjo fans, had the time of our LIVES making refrences

“HEY ANDREW IM NOBODY”

“I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR YOU, NOBODY, COME HERE AND FACE YOUR DEATH”

“hey annabeth, i thought you looked like a princess when i first saw you. i printed out a picture you sent me casually and kept it with me. i snuck along on a quest so i could save you, endangering myself immensely. i held the sky for you. when you talk about your crush on luke, i get jealous. beckendorf understood, but hes dead.”

“ikr we’re literally the best of friends”

“RIGHT”  

also the first time we finished mark of athena we were in the same classroom and we individually dropped the book, stood up, looked at each other, and screamed “WELL FUCK YOU TOO RICK RIORDAN”

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[boobear-harold]

I was tagged by @sunflowrhaz to answer a few questions that dig a little deeper. thank you love <3

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen?

don’t really care but prob black

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or in the city?

Country. I’ve lived in the bush all my life - although I would love it if I lived closer to a big city.

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

Piano (i know like the right hand of one song), and I spent a year studying Italian and dont remember anything from it so I would like to actually be fluent.

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar?

I only drink black tea(with milk) and I have 2 sugars. I do have pretty big mugs though

5. What was your favourite book as a child?

the harry potter series, and then probably the Eragon series or the Wings series. do not get me started on just how badly they did the Eragon movie though

6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

showers tbh

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be?

a mermaid or a faerie, I was obsessed with both as a kid

8. Paper or electronic books?

Defffinitely paper. Theres just something about the smell and the feel <3

9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

😬 i have an overflowing wardrobe... maybe the Spell dress I treated myself to, or my denim jacket, or one of my maxi dresses idk idk

10. Do you like your name? Would you like to change it?

as a kid i always wanted my middle name to be my name... like i started calling myself that and everything sdskfjhlksfk but now no not really. I like my name (although it is annoying that there is a brand with the same name)

11. Who is a mentor to you?

my mum 💕 she’s an absolute legend

12. Would you like to be famous? If so, what for?

I wouldn’t mind if like my art or the things I made were famous but like me actually famous myself? noooooo thank you i’ll pass

13. Are you a restless sleeper?

lmao no i remember once my dad apologised for using the chainsaw near my bedroom window and i was like ??? I didn’t hear it at all.

14. Do you consider yourself to be a romantic person?

very much so but I feel like other people don’t think I am

15. Which element best represents you?

i am an earth sign but would probably pick water

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

i miss seeing my siblings as much as i did when we were kids, and i miss my friends from high school so much... we never see each other anymore

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

yeah

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

most of my childhood memories include horseriding or swimming at the beach or river

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

tbh i’m pretty fussy. Oh! actually I had kangaroo once in primary school when we had this like ‘indigenous culture education’ thing. Do not remember what it tastes like at all

20. What are you most thankful for?

i was going to say the same thing so I’m just going to leave your answer there lol 

my family, my health, the beautiful country i live in, the friends i have made on here 💛so many things

21. Do you like spicy food?

not in the slightest. I dont even like pepper on my food

22. Have you ever met someone famous?

depends on what kind of famous we’re talking lol i’ve met a couple of mildly well known aussie bands, a politician, an athlete that carried the 2000 olympic torch through my town, but nobody like really famous

23. Do you keep a diary or journal?

i dont use it as much anymore but from like mid teens until a few years ago i used one a lot. It was the best feeling to just like write everything i felt like i couldn’t/shouldn’t say but i guess i dont need it so much anymore

24. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

pen

25. What is your star sign?

capricorn sun, aries moon, aquarius rising

26. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

i haven’t eaten cereal in years but its gotta be crunchy. are there actually people who like soggy cereal lmao

27. What would you want your legacy to be?

this sounds so cheesy but I just wanna be someone people are comfortable to be around

28. Do you like reading? What was the last book you read?

do i like breathing? my first memory of books is having fairytale books stacked like 30cm+ high on the end of my bed when I was like 4/5. I just finished The Lost Book of the White and am currently reading Midnight Sun(dont judge me i needed to know what it was like)

29. How do you show someone you love them?

i’m definitely a show not tell kind of person. hugs, doing a task they don’t like doing so that they dont have to do it, hugs, gifts, hugs, 

30. Do you like ice in your drinks?

sometimes

31. What are you afraid of?

losing my family, never travelling, not doing anything with my life

32. What is your favourite scent?

jasmine, rain, freesias, books, roses, my mums perfume, 

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname?

calling anyone by their surname is not really a thing where i’m from (unless it gets turned into a nickname)

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

travelling a lot, secretly paying off peoples debts, handing out money to strangers, I would just travel and try to make peoples lives easier

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean?

100% pool. I always feel like a plant that someone poured salt on after i’ve swam at the beach

36. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground

keep it unless i could figure out who’s it was

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

i’ve seen a few :) and yes

38. What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

i don’t think i want kids, but if I had them probably just to be kind, tolerant and not to judge to quickly, and definitely to use common sense

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

hmmm definitely something small, probably ~aesthetic~ artsy or some symbol that means something to me. I’d get it wrist, above or below my elbow (inner), or maybe ankle. I’ve actually always wanted an infinity symbol on the side of my ring finger

40. What can you hear right now?

my fan and my cat yawning

41. Where do you feel the safest?

at home, probably in my bed reading or smth

42. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

procrastination, self-doubt, anxiety

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be?

i’m always thinking fashion when it comes to history so probably some where from 1850s - 1920s england/france. or like 1600s france.

44. What is your most used emoji?

😂💖🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

45. Describe yourself using one word.

creative... or stubborn, or kind idk

46. What do you regret the most?

... not trying. But there’s always time to change that I guess :)

47. Last movie you saw?

dont remember... i’ve been watching a lot of tv

48. Last tv show you watched?

currently watching Hart of Dixie

49. Invent a word and its meaning

solgim - the sparkly feeling when you have a crush on someone

i tag: @weareonejazzhand @queerlydestructive @sunsetlarry @feellikearainbow @babygater @fuckingniall @sunflower-vol14 @oneandonlyhl @softcoeurs @heyangel @louisteapot @proudandexcited only if you feel like it <3 also if i didnt tag you and you want to please do and tag me 

[askdoloresmoore]

I got this wonderful list from @hyunsu-jung

Original Post: here!

Not that anyone cares,but I thought this would be fun!!

Character's Name: Dolores Moore

Part I: Let's Start at the Beginning...

1. What's your name?

"Mrs.Dolores Moore"

2. Give me your full name...

*sighs* "Dolores Lily Moore "

3. Do you have a nickname? If yes, what is it and how did you come to have it?

"The only nickname that comes to mind , at the moment, is what mr. Brown, my uncle if you will,calls me. He seems really keen on calling me Dolly, no matter how annoying I find the subject. "

4. What species are you? (Human, werewolf, etc? Or are you an alien?)

"I am quite certain that I am a human. Although I must inquire..What exactly is an alien?"

5. Where were you born?

"I was born on a small farm outside the town of Blackwater, WE"

6. I see. And that would make your age...?

"25 to be exact "

7. Okay, now...are you a good guy, or a bad guy?

"I would like to consider my self a good guy. Although that matter is quite subjective ,don't you think?"

Part II: Tell Us More About Yourself...

8. How would you describe your personality?

"I consider myself quite kind-hearted and patient "

9. Would you say you're someone who can handle pressure?

"It depends on the day. Although on most days I must say I cannot."

10. Do you like to read?

"Oh yes, quite! It's one of my favourite pastimes, alongside drawing "

11. Favorite color?

"It would have to be blue, particularly the lighter shades "

12. Do you get along with others?

"I'm quite the easygoing person , I believe. "

13. Do you have any enemies?

"Not that I'm aware of"

14. How about friends?

"I used to have, back east, but I'm quite certain they must have forgotten me by now."

15. Are you patient?

"Yes,as I mentioned. I believe it to be one of my greatest qualities. "

Part III: Hypothetically...

16. Suppose that you could become any creature you know of. What would you pick, and why?

"Any creature? Well I'm aware that my answer might be quite dull and somewhat predictable but I would like to be a cat. They always fascinated me and when I was a child I used to envy their neatness. There was this one time when I was little, when I..." mrs. Moore pauses and composes herself. " I must apologise for going off topic "

17. One of your enemies in question 13 just complimented you. Response?

"While I'm not aware of any enemies, if a supposed one gave me a compliment, I would certainly politely accept it, even though it would be completely surprising for me."

18. One of your friends in Question 14 just insulted you. Response?

"Even though that would be unlikely, given that they are high society women, I would let them know I was offended "

19. If you could change anything about yourself...

"One thing that I would change about myself, given the opportunity, would be my submissive nature. I find that aspect of me quite annoying sometimes. I think it hinders my advance as a person."

20. About your home...

"I've had several during my life, so I'll give a brief description of all of them. My childhood home was a beautiful farmhouse in California. I remember the beautiful golden hue , the sunset would give the wheat fields my parents had. My husband's house in New York, is a stunning manor,so big that I used to get lost in when I first got there. Lastly my current residence is a two story cottage my uncle, mr. Brown and some workers he hired built. While it is nowhere near my last residence in size, I've grown to love it. It is still in the process of being decorated though. "

Part IV: Now We Get Personal

21. What're your parents like?

"My parents... Well they both were great people. Caring, loving and very much in love with each other till the end. "

22. Do you have any siblings?

" I guess I can say I had. My brother...My poor brother John. He has been missing for some time now."

23. What's your occupation?

"At the moment I do not work. Although I have been a housemaid in the past."

24. I see, that's a good job to have. Do you like it?

" I did not enjoy being a housemaid at all."

25. Are you seeing/dating anyone?

"No , not at the moment... "

26. Married/Engaged/Other?

*Dolore's eyes water a little at the sound of this question*

" I was married, yes. To a lovely man, John Moore. "

27 If yes, how did you meet?

" I used to work as a housemaid at his estate. We fell in love and the rest is history. "

28. Tell us your biggest secret.

"I'm sorry but I dont think it's quite appropriate to admit something like that."

29. Your worst fear? You don't have to answer this one if you don't want to.

" I am very afraid of losing what family I have left."

30. Favorite food?

" it is more of a dessert than a food, but I am very fond of apple pies"

30. Favorite drink?

" That would be chilled champagne, without a doubt."

31. Tell us one thing you're the most proud of.

"I guess my hat pin collection "

32. Something embarrassing? You don't have to answer this one, either.

" Well.." she hesitates, thinking " I believe it's rather embarrassing that I am afraid of the dark!"

33. If you didn't answer Questions 29 and/or 33, tell me why.

" I did answer, so I guess I do not have to answer this one!"

34. Is that a good reason?

" and this one neither "

Part VI: Closing

35. Are you satisfied with your life?

"Truly I cannot say. Sometimes I think I've lived life to the fullest, other times I think my life is living me, if that makes sense."

36. Anything you feel like you have to do? It can be something long-term, like a bucket list, or something you need to do right now.

"I do believe I should finish my embroidery project sometime!!"

37. Any hobbies?

"I must saythat I enjoy riding. I've been riding since childhood and ,although not perfect, I try to do it as often as possible. That and listening to any stories my unclehas to share about lawmen. These people always fascinated me. "

38. Quick, you get one wish! What did you just wish for? It's alright, you can tell me...

" I wished for my husband and brother to be here with me"

39. How would you describe that wish? Good? Bad? Selfish? Selfless? Other?

" I guess it can be seen as selfish, given the fact that wherever they are now, it can't be worse than this Earth. "

40. Have you been honest with these questions?

" Yes, an improper amount. "

41. Your personal quote?

"Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us perfect for one another "- Jane Austen. "

42. Do you like change?

"Even though I'm reluctant to pursue it at first, I do like change when it comes."

43. What's your most valued possession?

* Dolores rummages through her bag*

" This pocket watch . It belonged to my father."

44. Anything else you feel like sharing?

"Nothing comes to mind , at the moment. "

50. Last question! How do you feel?

" I must say this has been a quite enjoyable experience for me, so I must confess I feel delighted!"

[marvinswriting]

outdoors

prompt: I NEED TO SEE BORROWER ROOMMATES KAREN AND AARON okay dont YELL bEAR mg borrower (roommates) au

"Aaron, you ready?" 

I look up to see Karen hoving at the doorway.

"Yeah." I finish shoving the last of my tools into my bag. We're going outside to borrower today. It's nice to get the fresh air and some plants for the 'apartment'. We don't go outside often, but when we do it's a full day activity.

Yeah.

Day.

As much as I hate being in broad daylight, it's safer when it's bright out then at night. 

Outdoor borrowing 101.

"Let's go." I say, stepping out of my 'room'. Karen follows close behind.

Its a pretty big trek to the outside, especially when your home in the walls is in the center of the house. We move diligently, avoiding paths we know have bugs.

From what we've gathered about this house is its owned by the George's and its fucking huge. 

They got an extension on the house about a year ago, almost exposing our home. The dad is always on the phone bragging how it's 'the biggest fucking house in the neighborhood'. Which, yeah, a nice flex for you, but for the tiny people in your walls our lives are so much harder now. 

I met Karen a couple of months after I was left to my own devices. My childhood friend and I went in opposite directions. I was alone and scared. So was Karen. We were nomadic for a while. Not rouge, just- struggling to find the right place. To many pets, not a predictable schedule, getting caught- 

We struggled a lot before finding this house.

There's a small hole in the side of the house that we leave from. If it ever got fixed we'd be locked in the house forever. It's our only exit as far as we're aware. 

"Wait-" I step in front of Karen, peaking outside. There doesn't seem to be any animals or more importantly, humans walking around. 

This is the side of the house closest to the neighboring building. Like- I'm talking small alleyway in between the two houses where there is no sun. It's maybe four human feet but I'm not humans so exact measurements are lost on me. 

Nobody goes back here so the grass grows tall despite lack of sunlight. Karen and I split up a bit to grab things. 

There aren't many options in a damp alleyway but we make it work.

I maneuver my way around plants and bigger rocks, mindful of any bugs. They can get big out here. And fucking scary. Sometimes when we split up and Karen see one she'll-

A familiar scream cuts off my thoughts.

Yep. 

She'll do that.

I rush towards the sound but stop dead in my tracks when I see Karen cornered by- two other borrowers?

What?

A girl about Karen's hight with curly brown hair and a boy towering over both of them.

"What's going on?" I yell without even thinking.

All three borrowers turn to me. Karen visibly relaxes while the other two look confused.

"What are you doing borrowing here?" The boy asks.

"This is where we borrow," I state, pointing to the house behind us.

"Why is there screaming? Do you want to get caught?" A voice asks from behind a clump of glass. Its pushed out of the way and standing there is a third borrower. Something about her is familiar. 

"Look." The curly-haired girl says, pointing to me and Karen. Karen rushes over to me.

"We didn't mean any harm." She raises her hands in defense.

The new girl glares at me. It's not a look of anger, rather confusion. I can't help but feel like I'm being judged.

Karen continues. "Aaron and I were just looking for-"

"Aaron?!" The girl cuts Karen off, eyes lighting up. "Oh my god."

Why is she so familiar? Something about her just feels like a warm childhood presence. Like- I don't feel threatened at all, but I should. Its a total stranger. 

"Janis, what's your problem?" The boy shoots. The girl deflates slightly but the smile doesn't fade off her face.

Wait.

Holy shit.

Wait a fucking-

"Janis?!"

"Karen!" 

We all look towards the blonde. She smiles. "Introductions! These two already clearly know each other. So I'm Karen!"

The curly-haired girl smiles a bit ."I'm Gretchen and this is Kevin. You seem to already know Janis."

"Yeah, wait-" Kevin speaks up. "How do  you guys already know each other?"

Janis smiles walking over to me. "When I was little my mother and her roommates both had kids at the same time. We grew up together and learned all our borrowing skills together. But when we left to grow and fight on our own, we obviously lost touch." She pulled me into a hug. "Nice to see you again, Aaron." She whispers. 

"Aww, that's actually really cute!" Gretchen says in aw. "A mini-reunion."

I smile. "Yeah. I missed you, J. What are you a rouge borrower now? What are you doing out here?"

Janis makes a face. "I'd die before going rogue. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but stationary born and raised, yknow? We actually live in that house!"

She points to the building literally next door.

"Are you kidding me?" I ask. "For how long?!"

Janis shrugs. "Maybe three years now? Living in the walls, borrowing at night, staying hidden-"

Kevin laughs a little and Gretchen elbows him. I feel like I'm missing part of an inside joke but I don't push.

"What about you, A?" Janis asks. "You and your roommates causing any trouble?"

"No, actually. You were always the reckless one."

"Some things must never change," Kevin remarks.

"I've gotten better." Janis holds her hands up in defense. "You didn't know child Janis."

"Don't think I want to if she was worse then right now."

Kevin and Janis continue to bicker and Gretchen walks over to me and Karen. 

"They will do this all day." She sighs. "Imagine living with them."

Karen laughs. "I'm feeling very lucky about my roommate."

"Got room for one more?" Gretchen jokes.

"Guys!" Karen cried out, pointing behind Kevin and Janis.

A cat was stalking over. Clearly in the mood to play.

I reach to grab my hook but Janis holds her hands up.

"Don't attack!"

She walks over to the cat and-

Why the fuck is she walking over to the cat?

"Hey, Ariel!" She cooes, placing her hand on the cat's nose. The cat lays down obediently.

"What the fuck?" The words are out of my mouth before I can even question it.

Kevin shrugs. "We don't know how she does it either."

"It comes in handy to befriend a cat. Fast travels baby." Janis grins, sitting in front of the cat. "Meet Ariel. If you walk over slowly she won't attack."

"I don't like those odds, J," I say. "I'll stay over here."

"Suit yourself." Janis shrugs.

"C'mon," Gretchen says softly, grabbing Karen's hand. "Ariel won't attack with Janis there. I swear shes some kind of cat tamer."

"It's called cat treats," Janis says. "I bought her trust."

I watch tentatively as Karen pets the cat. She gasps. "Aaron, Ariel is so soft."

"I'm sure," I say without moving.

Something gives me the feeling that Karen and I won't get much borrowing done today. But to know J had been so close this whole time? I felt stupid for not figuring out sooner, but glad that it isn't much trek to see her and her roommates.

Besides, a guard cat isn't so bad of an idea. 

Karen and Gretchen seem to be getting along and as Kevin stood next to me I didn't find myself too opposed to the idea of another boy around.

Maybe knowing our borrower neighbors wasn't such a bad thing.

@realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @smallsoysauce @sourishlemons

[nuwandastudies]

Hi, I posted an ask on lovelybluepanda and you reply saying that you have been in the same situation and you found some things that make it better. Please, I really would use some tips.

Hi! First of all know that you are not alone, you can contact me any time you want.

I hope those will work out for you

1. When i am in class, I pretend that i am a spy on a secret mission. So i have to blend in perfectly, even a smalleat suspicion can cause my death. When i have to speak this really helps

2. Keep something that makes you feel at home on your desk. For example i put my old toy which reminds me of my childhood. That way you can remember that what you are going through is temporary, and it will pass.

3. After the lessons do something that makes you happy. After every online class, i reward myself with a tiny piece of chocolate. So during class when it gets boring i tell myself to be patient and i remember that there is chocolate waiting for me.

4. I watch short videos. So i really like the office and it always makes me smile, before entering a class that makes me anxious, i watch a short office video (my fave one is where are the turtles)

If you have a comfort show you can do this before class, it really helped me. If you dont, you can watch baby videos, cat videos etc. Whatever that has a positive impact on you.

5. I recently discovered this, the place you enter class really makes a difference. I used to close the curtains and face the wall but now i open all the curtains, make sure there is enough light in the room , and make sure you can see outside while you are in class. I rearranged my desk so i can watch outside when im in class. It makes it a lot better.

6. Make sure that you are in touch with your loved ones. The days i dont talk to anyone make me really tired and i usually get lost in my own thoughts. Talking with a person you love makes you feel more motivated. And will keep you anxiety-free for a while.

And lastly , think about a big dream, a goal you have. The lessons will help you reach your goals, learning is hard but its worth it at the end. The best treasure is knowledge. You can talk to me anytime you want. Sending my best wishes 💕