#i looked at all my uni tabs and went

[stevebabey]

trying to override executive dysfunction by blasting clubbing music in my headphones vs. me trying to write a tender scene

[ingydar-phan]

Ok I do want to chime in on the convo but actually this is gonna be really long because I’ve been planning to make a huge post about this since the tour trailer came out. Like genuinely I messaged some people asking for tips on how to make a big conversation post weeks ago and then just never did it. So here goes I guess.

I am a firm believer they are going to hard launch soon. In some way shape or form. Before tour starts. That is a stance I have held ever since I watched pizza mukbang 2. And I have explanations.

My main points come from the coming out parallel surrounding Dans internalized homophobia and trauma responses and fear of rejection (more on that later), and also my hypothesized “3 stages” of the gaming channel revival.

I believe that when the gaming channel was revived, starting with the Heartthrob video, they entered stage 1: experimenting with audiences desire for a return to content. This was a phase they themselves discussed in Dans Birthday Stream and in Pizza Mukbang 2. The first few months were experimenting with what a new audience would look like and how much they were wanted, in what contexts, and what kind of content. I also think this wraps into the dynamic difference between Dan and Phil as people. Note, I love them both dearly and want nothing but the best for them both. It has been made clear that they did very different things during the hiatus, with Phil initiating the gaming channel comeback. Before Dan came out, he was under an immense feeling of guilt and pressure, even by his own mind. He had the option of leaving the internet forever, and he certainly considered it. Finish off the gaming channel, go on one last tour, and leave. Never having to adress anything again. But he didn’t do that. He came back. He came out. And he was greeted with the kindest, warmest, most accepting response. And he did work! He wrote a book! He went on a solo tour! And to echo both Dan himself and all of the community, he needed this. He needed this time of healing and this era of self discovery. He wouldn’t be who he is today without it, and I’m so proud of him.

But Phil? Oh Phil was just cruising along. That’s not at all to discredit any form of hardship Phil went through, but it certainly wasn’t the same. Phil was making content before Dan was, back in 2006. In uni, Phil was comfortable in his sexuality (or some form of queerness). But he waited. He waited to come out until Dan was ready. Because he’s a wonderful partner. He was happy continuing Amazingphil regardless of hiatus, of Dans needs, because he knew he didn’t have to pressure Dan into anything he didn’t want or wasn’t ready for. And then, presumably when Dan was ready, Phil proposed a gaming channel comeback. Just try it out, just see how it feels, low commitment. And what happened? Once again, they were showered with love and adoration and support and acceptance. Was the fandom different than how it used to be? Absolutely. But it was beautiful and loving. So that’s stage 1. Experimenting with content and viewership and re-entering the branding of Dan and Phil (Games).

Then, I believe after stage 1 came stage 2. Experimenting with audience reaction to Dan and Phil as a couple. I want to stake my claim here that everything they do is meticulously curated. Sure, Phil’s toe popping out of his sock wasn’t purposeful, but it was certainly handled intentionally. They’re extremely seasoned creators, and everything they do is for a reason. (That’s why I love rpf hehe). This, my “stage 2”, is when they were dipping their toes more into phan stuff. The orange heart. The “gay” community tab. Using the “ph-“ prefix THEMSELVES a lot more. Dab and Evan comparisons. This was the middle ground. How would people react? Would they turn away because it’s too much? Would they begin stalking and creeping all over again? Or would they accept these people for what they are. As much as people like to think Dan and Phil are just silly whimsical guys who are perfect no matter what they do (which is accurate as well tbf), they also know what they’re doing. They do these things on purpose to gauge audience reaction, to see how people feel about it. As others have said, what we see publicly is just a tiny sliver of their real life. Yea, even the domestic videos. It’s curated. And it’s wonderful. It’s so endearing they choose to share these things. Even in times of uncertainty. But that uncertainty was met with absolute acceptance.

Which is how we get into stage 3. I think “stage 3” started developing around the time of Dans Birthday Stream, but really actually started when the tour trailer was posted, and then all the videos after that (pizza mukbang, dressing each other, chained together, tiktoks, etc etc). So, very recently. But something shifted. Maybe it’s in the air, maybe it’s just me, maybe we all need to go outside. But something shifted. Dan and Phil, but especially Dan, saw how they were being accepted and took that as an affirmation. An affirmation that everything is going to be okay. They can commit now. They can go full on. Full hard launch.

I think everyone has a different definition of hard launch, and even I think it varies by context. But what I mean here is not necessarily them making some video called “Dan and Phil are romantically together” and staring at the camera with a gun to their head. It doesn’t, and shouldn’t, have to be that.

Straight people get this privilege of being assumed straight without having to “come out”. They get this comfort of having relationships without having to scream it in everyone’s faces.

And I do indeed agree with what people mean when they say they have already hard launched. They’re husbands, soulmates, 4000 year old tortoises, “basically any other gay couple”, more than just romantic, yea. I get it. But people are fucking stupid. Non-queer people don’t understand nuance, and need everything handed to them on a silver platter. Dan and Phil are together. People who try to twist and turn to try and “prove” they’re anything but a committed romantic and sexual relationship are ignorant at best, but mainly using homophobic wishful thinking. However, there’s more to go. There’s a reason we’re all “terrified” for what is to come. Because everything, the past 15 years of all of our lives, of their life, is coming together. It’s genuinely beautiful.

So what do I mean by hard launch then? Well, I mean a lack of censorship (besides what’s reasonable. Though we’d all love to see them fuck on YouTube, I’m not sure that’s happening any time soon). I mean a lack of shame. A lack of hiding. And it’s already begun. That’s what I feel stage 3 to be and have been. In pizza mukbang 2, they say things such as “cheers dear”, which is intentional. The “gay uncles” and the “kneeing” is all intentional. It’s not just throwaway jokes, it’s them looking us in the eyes and saying “we see you”. I have a whole list of stage 3 things. The intentional Incohearant cards. The “my face hurts from smiling” comments. THE HANDS ON THE SHOULDER TO THE HAND ON THE KNEE. Them being so open about their secluded romantic holiday. The relentless Phil bottom jokes. The yaoi day tweet from the outfits video. The “who would jump for you like that dog jumped for that man” “you”. It’s all there. It’s all intentional. And I’m so grateful for it.

One of my mutuals who I talked about this with (not gonna name cuz idk if they want me to) talked about their theory that DNP have given barely any info about tour because it requires some form of hard launch to preface it. And honestly? I didn’t even realize that was a theory. I sort of already accepted that as fact. How open IS the door gonna be?

So yea, I hope this makes sense. Please feel free to respond with or send asks of any nuances or questions or theories you’d like to add. I don’t intend this to be shaming anyone who thinks differently. Even if I may vehemently disagree with someone in my head, I don’t think these people are evil or malicious or objectively bad or deserving of hate. These are just my thoughts. I’ll likely be adding more. Thanks for reading.

[skzhocomments]

A Chance of Fate (Lee Know) - Chapter 4 - Blooming Feelings

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 3 | Chapter 5

---

Chapter 4 - Blooming Feelings

Chapter word count: 2.4k words

It’s been exactly three weeks since you met Minho and started living with him, and 19 days since you started taking daily walks with him and getting to know him. It’s also been 19 days since you noticed a feeling growing slowly from within your chest, and you truly disliked it. Not that it was unpleasant. It wasn’t. But you didn’t want to put a name to it, afraid that if you would, everything would change between you and him, and you’d end up with a broken heart. Or rather – a more broken heart.

You also started helping around at the restaurant as a server and sometimes in the kitchen if Minho had too many orders.

By now, you knew all the regulars and memorised their orders by heart.

Mr. Park would always come Monday-Friday at 6 PM sharp, just after finishing up at his job. He would always drink a glass of beer and eat Minho’s special recipe Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and on Tuesday and Thursday he’d drink 2 bottles of Soju and eat fried pork belly.

Mr. Cho would come every 2 or 3 days with his wife and eat some of Minho’s chocolate cake. He’d drink some wine, and she’d have a few cocktails, both of them leaving satisfied after each date.

You even met a few of Minho’s friends: Changbin (that you found out writes a lot of songs with Chris and Han), Seungmin (who went to the same Uni Han attends) and I.N. and his girlfriend. They would drop by, have a quick meal and chat a bit with Minho, but all of them were busy doing their own thing and wouldn’t stay for too long.

That was until tonight.

This Friday night, Minho closed up earlier, which you found unusual, especially considering that Fridays were one of the most profitable nights of the week for his business.

“My friends are coming.” He explained. “We meet here once a month to catch up. Ah, Jisung will be here too!” He smiled and started preparing different snacks and foods a few hours before their arrival.

“How many people will there be?”

“Well, there’s Chan and Olivia, Han, Changbin and Felix, I.N., his girlfriend Mary, Hyunjin, Changbin, Seungmin and Felix.”

“You counted Changbin twice!” you laughed.

“Well, he eats like two anyway!” he chuckled.

“Okay, then I’ll go ahead and set the plates for you.”

You grabbed some and started placing them on the big table Minho formed out from other tables.

After a few minutes, you placed 11 plates and 11 glasses, napkins, cutlery, and some soju bottles. You also grabbed some of the snacks Minho prepared. The table looked pretty nice, or at least adequate, you figured.

“Wow! This looks so much better than what I could’ve done! Good job, Dal-Rae!” he praised you and looked actually excited. “Everyone’s gonna be surprised by this, I never set the table or anything for these meetings. I think Jisung will be shocked.”

“Hahah, yeah. You prepare all this food and stuff, though!”

“But wait, why are there only 11 seats?”

“Well, you’re 11, right?”

“No, that’s not… right.” He replied while shaking his head disapprovingly.

“What do you mean? Chris, Olivia, Han, Changbin and Felix, I.N., Mary, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Felix and you. That’s 11.”

“Dal-Rae, we’re 12.”

“No, you’re 11. Did I count it wrong? Chris, Olivia-”

“No, dummy. You counted right. But you forgot your seat.” He ruffled your hair and grabbed another plate, placing it on the table.

“Oh- Am I… invited, though?” you asked unsure.

“What? Why wouldn’t you be-”

“SURPRISEEE!” a familiar voice shouted loudly and busted through the door.

“Jisung, what the heck?” Minho chuckled.

“Lee Know, Lee Know, Lee Know, I came to rescue you from your misery of having to set up the tab- What the fuck, man? This looks so beautiful, what? When did you learn how to manage without me?” he whined and faked a cry.

“It’s all her!” Minho pointed at you and bowed jokingly.

“Dal-Rae, just who I wanted to see! I missed you sooooo much!” he hugged you tightly.

“Don’t you text me everyday, though?” you chuckled, hugging the boy who quickly became your best friend back. “Although you didn’t even tell me you’re coming.”

“Wait, you’re texting her?” Lee Know raised an eyebrow.

“I do, but I still want to see you, Dal-Rae! I wanted to surprise you. Wow, getting big, are we?” he petted your belly and smiled, just when you felt a kick.

“Dude, don’t touch her like that-” Minho started and grabbed Han’s wrist, but was quickly interrupted.

“OMG! THE BABY JUST MOVED! THE BABY JUST HIGH FIVED ME!”

“Yeah, it keeps doing it! Especially if I lay down. If it’s a boy, it must be a future football player or something!” you chuckled.

“Or a boxer! Or maybe it’s a girl and she likes dancing!”

“Seriously? Did it… kick?” Minho asked, surprised.

“Yes!” Han exclaimed. “Oh my god, this is the most beautiful thing ever!!! What the heck. Wow. The miracle of life.”

You noticed something shift in Minho’s eyes. Jealousy? It can’t be. Curiosity? Maybe he wanted to feel the baby’s kicks too but didn’t know how to ask.

“Do you… want to…”

“No, no, I’m fine.” He quickly denied.

“Oh…” You frowned. You didn’t expect him to reject the idea so openly. Was he that uncomfortable with touching you, or was he just hesitating?

“I mean- I don’t want you to be uncomfortable-”

“I’m not! You don’t make me uncomfortable, so you can-”

“Seriously, guys? What the heck is wrong with y’all?” Han sighed and grabbed Minho’s hands and pulled him towards your belly.

You found it a bit amusing how Minho was always putting on a brave face, but now, looking at you, he seemed so unsure.

Was he really allowed to touch you? He knew Olivia hated people placing their hands all over her belly, she barely let Chan touch her, much to his dismay, so Minho never insisted, although he couldn’t deny that he was curious. And he hasn’t really had other chances to interact with pregnant people or to be close enough to someone as to ask.

For Minho, this felt… personal, in a way.

“I…”

“It’s okay.” You said and grabbed his hands that were hovering mere centimetres in front of your belly, placing them against you firmly.

His hands were cold, you noticed, and the expression on his face was expectant. Luckily for him, the baby seemed to be active today, so another kick came pretty quickly, making Minho open his mouth in shock and excitement.

“Oh! Wow!” he smiled brightly and looked into your eyes.

He was so beautiful. Of course, you’ve noticed that when you first saw him. But this? Fuck, your heart was not prepared for this.

The way he looked at you, the smile on his face, the way small creases formed around his eyes, mouth and nose, the way his cold hands felt on your warm belly…

This was too much to bear for your poor heart that was now running at 400 km/h.

The feeling came over you again, and you allowed yourself a second to wish that Minho was the father of your child instead. Then, you slapped yourself in your head and returned his smile.

Don’t be stupid, Dal-Rae.

“How’s that, Lee Know? Isn’t that great?” Han asked excitedly.

“Mhm.” He nodded happily.

“Makes me wanna have a kid too! That’s so unfair!!! Why don’t I have a girlfriend yet?” Han whined. “Dal-Rae, promise me you’re gonna make me the Godfather! Pretty please??”

“Oh! Would you want that? Like, for real?” you asked, this time you being the surprised one.

“YES!!! CAN I?”

“Dude, you’re too loud.” Minho covered Han’s mouth with his hand.

“Yeah, but isn’t it too quiet without me here?” he replied with a muffled voice, struggling to speak through Minho’s hands.

“Eww, don’t lick my hand! Gross!” Minho grimaced and let Jisung go.

“Han, I’d love it if you were my baby’s Godfather.” You replied, ignoring the small commotion and curses between the two.

“Oh my god!!! Really??? Lee Know!!! Did you hear that?? I’m gonna be the Godfather! This makes me a bit emotional.” He said, tearing up and hugging you.

“By the way, how’s Uni?” Minho asked, unimpressed.

“Wah, Dal-Rae, how are you holding up living with this asshole and his three asshole cats?”

“The cats are really nice, actually.” You replied with a chuckle.

“Hey! Just the cats? What about me?” Minho pouted, making you laugh.

“You… you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” You smiled and quickly corrected yourself, afraid he would misunderstand. “Both of you.”

Or rather, you were afraid he would understand.

It was true. Minho is the best thing that ever happened to you. And the fact that the “is” would soon turn into a “was” truly broke you, but you knew you couldn’t stay here forever.

It was stupid of you to get used to Minho’s presence and to depend on him so much. He was not the father of your child, so you had no right to live in your made-up fantasy that he was and that he would keep taking care of you.

After all, in less than 6 weeks, your baby would be born. Until then, you’d have to get a new job, search for a place for you two and get your life together.

How were you going to do this? You weren’t sure.

~

“Dal-Rae, I was not expecting to see you tonight! How are you?” Olivia approached you rather coldly. Although she was smiling, you could tell how forced it looked. Maybe Minho shouldn’t have invited you after all.

“I’m good, thank you. What about you? Were you busy at the shop lately?”

“Oh, yeah! Very! By the way, this is Chris, I believe you still haven’t met him yet? Chris, honey, this is Dal-Rae, the girl that came with Minho to the store the other week. Oh! Hyunjin!” she exclaimed, noticing a tall frame enter the door. She left you and Chan alone and ran over to the younger, jumping up and ruffling his hair affectionately.

“Ohhhh, yes, I remember Olivia telling me about you coming to the store. I’m Chan, or Chris, whichever you prefer. Nice to meet you!” he said, turning his attention to you.

“The pleasure is mine. I’ve heard a lot about you from Minho and especially from Han. It’s nice to finally put a face to the name.”

“Good things I hope!” he chuckled.

“Yeah, nothing to worry about.” You returned his laugh and pointed him towards the table. “You can sit down if you’d like.”

“Do you live around here? It’s pretty late, so I’m just surprised that you’d come, considering you’re pregnant and all. I remember Olivia barely had any energy to interact with others, especially at this hour. She would sleep like a log.” He chuckled and affectionately took a glance at his wife.

“She lives here.” Han came from behind you and placed his arm around your shoulder.

“Really?” Chan asked, his face forming a slight frown that you would’ve missed have you not observed him so closely. “That’s great! Uhm… will you excuse me for a moment?” he brushed over you and headed towards the kitchen.

“Don’t mind him so much, Dal-Rae. He’s just trying to look out for Lee Know. Chan can get really protective of his friends, and Minho is like a little brother to him.” Han whispered.

“I… know. But… he doesn’t have anything to worry about. It’s true that Minho is helping me, but I would never take advantage of him. I will try to move out as soon as possible, before the baby comes. I promise.”

“Wait, what? When’s that?”

“In less than 2 months, so there’s really nothing to worry about. I’ll be gone soon.”

“What do you mean?” Han frowned. “How? Where?”

“I don’t… uhm… Minho is paying me way more than he should, I’m sure, so I do have a little wiggle room…”

“Did you tell Minho about this? That you’re planning to leave…?”

You were the one to frown hearing this question. How could you tell him and burden him even more with worry?

Trying to push aside the sinking feeling in your chest, you smiled briefly and muttered a quiet “Soon” with a shake of your head.

~

“Hey, man. The food looks great.” Chan approached Minho.

“Oh, I didn’t know you'd already arrived. I’m stacking up these plates still!”

“Smells great too.”

“Thanks. I’m working on a new recipe, so you’ll be my guinea pigs tonight.” Minho chuckled.

“Listen… Olivia told me that you brought a girl back to the store…”

“Oh, yeah. Her name’s Dal-Rae. What about her? She’s here tonight if you wanna meet her.”

“I just did… she seems like a nice girl… but Minho, Han said she lives here. Is that true?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I’m just gonna ask you this once. Are you… the father of her child?”

Right. The elephant in the room.

Lee Know sighed. “I’m sure Olivia already told you about it.”

“She did, but I want to hear it directly from you.”

��If she did, then you know the answer. No, I’m not the father of her child.”

“Then… what are you doing?”

“What am I doing?” Minho dropped everything from his hands and faced his friend.

“You know what I mean.” Chan replied sternly, frowning.

“No, I don’t.”

“Minho, don’t play dumb. Letting her stay here and eating your food? Paying hundreds of dollars for things for her?”

“What was I supposed to do then, hm? Let her go and pretend I didn’t notice she needs help? You didn’t see her when she first came in! She was full of bruises-”

“I’m sure we can find other ways to help her. We’ll contact a women’s shelter and-”

“We’ve already tried that route, smarty-pants.” Minho sneered. He was feeling irrationally angry. “And you know what happened? Nothing. There was no place for her.”

“But even so, hear me out.”

“No. I decided to help her. I can’t let her down now. Not when her due date is so close.”

“Minho-”

“Chris. I’m serious about it. She will stay here, and I will help her.”

“Why? What got you so worked up for this girl, man? You’re still young, you have time to find someone else.”

“You should know better than anyone that I don’t want someone else after what happened.”

“But still, this isn’t right for you.” Chan frowned. “I just wanna look out for you, man. If you’re doing this for her just for pity… That’s not right either.”

“That’s how it was at first, but now? I don’t know… I think I… for the first time in so long, I think…”

Minho wasn’t sure if he was able to admit that out loud, but Chan’s raised eyebrow made him confess with a sigh:

“I think I’m in love with her.”

~

Chapter 3 | Chapter 5

[89pedri]

Second Date

Hi everyone, I love reading Mason fanfics here so I figured I’d try to write my own… Please let me know what you think. 🥺

Word count: 1.4k. Just fluff?

“I thought I’d never see you again” you heard as someone had positioned themselves directly beside you at the bar.

“Hey stranger” you smiled, without even looking at him, yet being able to recognize him by his voice immediately.

It had been about three weeks since you’d last seen him, since you’d gone on your first date with Mason.

“Well,” he began whispering in your ear as he had move dangerously close to you, “wouldn’t be much of a stranger if you finally agreed on a day for our second date.”

The truth was, you wanted to say yes to his relentless texts asking you out on a second date. But his life seemed to be so chaotic, and you weren’t exactly ready to bring him into yours. Between uni, work, and the Chelsea internship, you knew it was no use to try to fit someone into your schedule. At least, that’s what you told yourself.

“I know, I know, I told you I’ve been busy...” you apologized.

“I know, but regardless I’m very happy I’ve seen you again. You look just absolutely gorgeous.”

You turned to look at him for the first time that night, admiring the way he looked under the lights. His hair was more grown out and his beard was messier than the last time you saw him. And his smile. That damn smile that reached his eyes. You knew that if you spent long enough with him, and if you saw that smile long enough, you’d end up caving in and doing anything he’d ask from you.

“Thank you Mase, you look good too.” you smiled at him.

“Two gin and tonics please, my tab” he turned towards the bartender before resuming his conversation with you.

“So I must ask, Y/N. What brings you in here. You’ve been too busy to go out with me but you seem to have time to go out to the clubs in this little black dress.” he said half-jokingly, although you could sense a tone of hurt in his voice.

“It’s my best friends birthday.” you pointed towards your friend who was on the dance floor, dancing with a man she’d had her eye on the whole night.

“And-” you continued “believe it or not it’s the first time I’ve gone out since I last went out with you.“ you said in a serious tone as you pointed at his chest as you felt you were being interrogated.

“Alright, alright missy.” He chuckled before grabbing your hand that had been resting on his chest to interlace his fingers with yours. “No need to get so feisty, I believe you. I’m sorry if I came off defensive.” he finished as he brought your hand close to his lips, placing a gentle kiss.

You’d both been entranced in your own little world, you had not noticed the bartender had placed your drinks in front of you.

Just as you were about to resume your conversation, you were interrupted.

“Hi, you must be Mason. Nice to meet you. Sorry to interrupt but Y/N, I’m going home with Nathan. I’ll pay for your cab home. Don’t wait up, yes I’ll be safe. Love you bye.” your friend said all in one breath as she disappeared following the blonde who was leading the way.

You noticed Mason share a look with the stranger your friend was leaving with as he waved goodbye to both of them.

“So, you talk about me.” Mason smirked at you, getting a boost of confidence, knowing that you talked about him to your friends. Just like he did.

“Mason. You’re focusing on the wrong thing here. She’s going home with a stranger. A blonde one at that. And a short one, too. What if he’s a murderer? What if he kills her on her birthday? Surely no one is that twisted, right?”

He couldn’t help the laugh he let out as he let you rant and he looked at you amusingly.

“My friend’s death funny to you?” you questioned as you found nothing about the situation to be comical.

“The stranger.” he explained, “The blonde, short stranger is my best friend, Nathan. He lives with me. I promise you as soon as I get home, I will make sure your friend’s alive and well. And I will send her to yours back in one piece tomorrow.”

You felt a wave of embarrassment wash over you as you let out a laugh, too. “Oh. I’m sorry. I’m sure he’s lovely and to be fair she’s really short so she doesn’t need someone much taller.” you apologized.”

“I promise you she’ll be okay. Plus, I need to have a serious chat with her tomorrow.”

“Why’s that?”

“I need to thank her…” he begins, inching dangerously closer to your ear as he whispers “for finally letting me see you again.” he finishes his thought by pressing a kiss to your cheek.

Your rolled your eyes at him as you looked away while sipping your drink. You’d very quickly noticed that physical touch was his love language, feeling yourself get shy by the affection he was giving you. Your fourth drink in your hand not helping, as you felt the alcohol catching up to you.

“I gotta be honest with you. I’m kinda drunk right now and would love it if you walked me home. It’s about a 20 minute walk. Only if you can?” you said quietly, afraid of what his answer might be.

He smiled at you, giving you a look you couldn’t quite discern. “I would love to.”

You held his hand as you lead the way through the sweaty bodies on the dance floor. Wanting to let him know that you were okay with his touches without saying it out loud.

As you walked on the streets, you noticed it had began to lightly rain, and without saying anything, he places his jacket around your shoulders. Taking the opportunity to bring himself closer to you.

You two chatted as you lead the way, catching up on what you both had been up to since the last time you’d seen him.

Conversation flowed so naturally with Mason. You felt you could talk about anything and be yourself without fear of judgement. Somewhere along the way, it became clear to you that while you had, indeed, been busy, there was another reason you kept trying to postpone your second date with Mason. If you are honest with yourself, it was probably the main reason. You were scared of how much you liked him. You were scared of how easily you let your guard down with him. Especially with him, Mason Mount. Football superstar, Mason Mount, who surely could have anyone he wanted.

“This is me.” you tell him as you stop walking in front of your building.

“Well, Y/N. I had a lovely time on our second date.” he tells you as he gives you a quick hug and kiss to your forehead.

You stay there for a while, enjoying his embrace and taking in his scent.

“This was not our second date, Mount” you say just above a whisper looking down, afraid to look at him.

“We had drinks. We had a lovely chat while I walked you home for about,” he pulled out his phone from the pocket of his jeans “twenty seven minutes… I got you home safe and sound. And before you go up” he took a brief pause placing his hand on your cheek, forcing you to look at him. “I’m going to give you a quick kiss goodnight, if you let me. And that, miss Y/N, sounds exactly like a second date.

You couldn’t help the smile from forming across your face, blushing as you see him mirror it. Finding the whole thing silly yet endearing.

You both lean into each other as he places a chaste kiss on your lips. A barely there kiss, but just enough to keep you wanting more.

“Well then, I guess you’ll have to text me what to wear for our third date.” you tell him, after a few seconds of silence, as you’re about to give him his jacket back.

“I will see you. In less than three weeks this time. And you can give me my jacket back then. Thank you for another lovely date.” he tells you before you disappear into your flat.

Everything you had felt in your first official date with Mason. Hope, happiness, excitement, fear; you now felt times two.

[idv-thespians]

Old friends reunited, walking and talking.

“Oh, so you’re friends with Inspector Adelaide? I didn’t know she came from the same university as us.”

“Yeah, small world, right?

The teacher and the professor walked from the former’s school, quietly wandering the neighbourhood. They came across a convenience store, as the two entered it.

“Welcome!” Miss Ellie’s voice perked up. This was the convenience store she worked at, but she seemed shocked to see her lonely neighbour with another person.

“Sorry, did my friend do something?”

“No, it’s just… rare to see him at this time of day, much less with a friend! He’s my neighbour, actually. He regularly buys from us.”

“So I’ve been told, I’m here on his recommendation, actually.” Luke smiled at the lady. “We were classmates in uni. Hmm… what would recommend?”

“Mr Ratio almost always gets the special bento set, but we sold out already…”

“No worries, they all look delicious.”

When Luke finally chose a lunchbox, another person came in. Mr Orpheus was silent, noticing Ellie still had customers. The look he gave her, it clearly said “We’ll talk once you’re done with these customers.”

Luke couldn’t help but notice his friend’s gaze: like stone, but harder. Though, was that really unusual?

“Thanks.” Luke spoke, rousing Ratio from his thoughts. Once the two left the shop, he turned to look at Ratio. “Hey, by the way, who’s he?”

“Pardon?”

“The man who walked into the shop. You seemed to recognise him.”

“Really? Can’t say that I did.” Ratio coughed a little. “Anyways, is there something you needed to tell me? Surely not just to reminisce over old times and get a lunch. Especially since you came all the way to my school.”

“Haha, sharp as always.” Luke sighed reluctantly. “Well, Adelaide told me to… request something of you. Something rather unpleasant...”

“What is it?”

“Well, the murder of your neighbour’s ex-husband is still under investigation, and your neighbour is a prime suspect. So, they want to keep tabs, observe her. However, there is a limit to what the police can do. So…”

“Wait, don’t tell me they want me to watch her for them?”

“Er, yeah, actually. Not 24/7 or anything outrageous like that, but just… keeping an eye next door, let them know if anything strange happens…

”So that’s why you came to talk to me?”

“Well, the police would probably make a more formal request soon… Personally, I don’t care what’s your answer— I think you should refuse them, even. Though, I wanted to do a favour for my friend.”

“Is that why you went to the convenience store too?”

“Well… yes, I wanted to see this suspect too. Though, she doesn’t look capable of killing.”

“Well, they say not to judge a book by its cover.”

“Understandable. So, do you have an answer for the… spying, request?”

“Well, I’d rather not get involved in it. Too troublesome for my liking.”

The two were walking over a bridge, the bridge that was over the riverbank the corpse was found. They could see the homeless people from where they stood.

“This murder happened on the tenth… Adelaide said you were home early, yeah?”

“Mhm. I didn’t have anything scheduled that night. Got back around 7? I think so, at least.

“After which, you locked yourself in your room and started battling with math problems, I assume?” Luke smiled a little, just like old times, huh?

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Any other hobbies to blow off steam?”

“Hobbies? Nah, maths is about all I care about, really.”

“Not even a drive to cool down?”

“No, and even if I wanted to, I don’t own a car.”

“You have a driver’s license, no? You’re an awfully busy man for someone who found the time to go to driving school.”

“What, are you trying to find out if I could drive a car?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Well, I took driving classes when I realised I wasn’t going to get a university job, might be helpful finding other jobs.”

“Well, I better get going, and you should rest too.”

“Just apologise to Miss Adelaide for me, that I can’t help her.”

“No worries.”

[marigoldendragon]

Marigold! I have come to your inbox with puns! Jkjk I kid 💞💞🫶🫶

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡

Gurl had me scared there for a second XD

hmm lessee

1 Music. The adhd demands music pretty much at all times.

2 Art! I love making art. I love looking at other peoples art. I love all forms of art! Paintings and drawings, writing and music, dancing and performance etc etc.

3 Speaking of forms of art, Movies! Especially animation (and anime!). I am something of a film nerd, and I went to Uni for animation. Favourite movie of all time is How to Train Your Dragon

4 Gaaaammmes. Some of my favourites are Breath of the Wild, basically any pokemon game, Twisted wonderland, Fire Emblem Three Houses and Rune Factory

5 Comics. Seriously my webtoons subscription list is waaaayyyy too big. And the amount of tabs/bookmarks I have for non-webtoon manwhas I wanna read *sweats nervously*. What can I say, I love visual storytelling.

I could probably keep infodumping, but that's the end of the game :P Now I gotto send this along to some peeps. This was fun, thanks Hana!

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

hey, as someone who struggles to take vitamins regularly, let me tell y'all that vitagummies are not cheating... especially when you did take vitamins for a period, like the ones that you need to swallow whole (or crush, let's be real if you struggle with swallowing them), again vitamins that you can chew are NOT cheating.

so for years, I thought that struggling through swallowing (and gagging on... and burping up the taste of these tablets) fish oil tablets, chalky asf zinc tablets, women's multi vitamin tabs, and iron tabs.... I thought I was being such an adult, doing it the "proper way" all bc it's all my parent would buy.... but also bc I'd been taking them since high school, I might as well just continue with them, right?

but then, 2020 happened. I had my stomach tumour removal surgery.... and struggled with swallowing pills that I HAVE to take at every meal (hello, creon). I'd have the same gagging, the same choking and like refusal to take the tablet from my throat, where if I left it on my mouth too long, or tasted it, or whatever else.... I just couldn't take it. like my body would just reject it. so that caused me to break down my creon tablets into just the pellets that are in the tablet casing and put them in orange or apple juice (to mimic stomach acid).... bc after a month just being fed intravenously in hospital, it was impossible to swallow these tablets whole (which you HAVE to do). and it also put me off my food, which was. uh. not good, nor very helpful.

but once I got out of hospital and was healthy enough to try taking vitamins again, my parent was still buying the vitamins that you ~need to~ swallow whole (and I stupidly went off of creon, which is a whole other problem for another post)..... and I still felt like vitagummies were cheating and such a little kid thing to take, even after a super traumatic time in hospital.... when I was supposed to be making at least SOME things much easier for myself.... plus I had to finish those bottles of tablets bc they were just sitting around in the kitchen.

anyway, eventually, I felt like "hey maybe I should FINALLY try adult vitagummies bc maybe I do need more iron and zinc (for my skin) again, and if i could find B12 and folate vitagummies that'd be great. and I haven't looked back from the vitagummies since tbh. vitagummies aren't cheating. chewing your multivitamin and omega 3 tablets is not "childish" instead of swallowing what I find to be an inconveniently and comically large pills for both women's multivitamins and fish oil/omega 3 tablets. or incredibly bullshit chalky zinc and iron tablets.

get chewable tablets. for the love of god. they are an aid, NOT a cheat or a kids thing. it's not some weird step into adulthood or being a grown-up or some other dumbass shit to take vitamins EXACTLY like they say on the bottle, whole. especially when you're choking on them or actively struggle to swallow them bc your brain wants to burp back out fish oil at fuckin 8 am before uni or work (this was happening to me it was FOUL). take those gummies!!! or if you can't get gummies where you are, at least crush some of the harder pills up (multivitamins zinc or whatever else you might take) to make them easier to have.

although it can't be helped with some other tablets like creon and pantoprazole. those HAVE to be taken whole, really. which is a pain in the ass. but for things like your vitamins, make it as easy as possible, please.

[elvenbeard]

I've played Cyberpunk twice before but your posts have inspired me to go for my third playthrough and first as male V so I can try out the Kerry romance. Also attempting to learn my way around the AMM mod so I can play around in photo mode more, cause I'm loving the virtual photography stuff. I'm hesitant to share though cause I feel like I barely know what I'm doing (especially since photography is my actual job and I feel like I should know what I'm doing 🤦‍♀️) and you're the only person I follow that's even into Cyberpunk. Anyway, sorry for the rambling, I guess I just wanted you to know your blog inspired someone 😊

aöskdjfaödsjfdffj !!! I feel like I've unlocked a new fandom achievement :D that honestly means so much to hear that I inspired you like aaaahhh ;A;

Okayokayokay, but yes, first things first: I'm extremely biased obviously, but definitely go an play Kerry's romance! It's short (I'm just gonna assume you know his questline if you played the game twice before) but personally I found it so heartwarming and lighthearted and chaotic in a good way after all the horros V went through for the entirety of the game until then xD Also, Kerry is such a good, multilayered character and you're not gonna be in the slightest prepared for some of things he'll say to a romanced V (at least I wasn't, but I also mean that in the best way XD). Would love to hear your thoughts once you get there and I hope you'll love it as much as I do xD

Also!! Don't be shy to share your virtual photography stuff! Photography isn't my job, I do have a tiny bit of experience with it through uni (we had a half-year course once, with outdoor and photostudio shootings and all that, and I learned a lot and really enjoyed it). And it's true, there are some similarities, in terms of how to pick and frame your motives for example, but also: it's still very different tools you're using, so it's normal to not immediately get the hang of everything. I quickly went digging through my screenshot folder for some of my first pics I took in Cyberpunk just with basic photomode:

I still genuinely like all of these (even though I think I didn't share all of them publically so far). But looking back with what I've learned since then (the oldest is the one with Vince on his bike, from Dec 15th '22, the newest is the one with Kerry and Nibbles, from February 22nd '23) I also know what I'd do differently to make them even cooler now xD

AMM also had a bit of a learning curve for me, still does in some regards XD But it really brought my VP to the next level, just for the immense amount of new poses compared to the 20-something or so in vanilla photomode, the nicer and more natural facial expressions, and yeah... the ability to spawn multiple characters xD You can do shippy stuff even with vanilla photomode, but with AMM there's... so... many... possibilities...

ALSO! What I'm still trying to get the hang of but which is so so nice and one of the main things I'd change about my old screenies: custom lights. Spawning different colour lights, basically having your own little photostudio setup wherever you want, however complex or simple you want, is amazing and makes a huuuge difference!!

An example of my learning curve with AMM and one of my favourite photo subjects: Arasaka!Vince

Feb 2nd 2023: The first time I styled Vince to look like he did during his time with Arasaka, vanilla photomode, the only mod I had was one to enter full CC with a shortcut whenever and everywhere. Already pretty cool shot, but in hindsight, the lighting is so bad xD I think I have a version of this edited to death in Photoshop somewhere, but I can't find it atm. PS helped fix the lighting a bit, but yeh... it's still not ideal, but not much you can do about it in vanilla except play with exposure and contrast more in the effects tab.

March 12th 2023: Spawned Vince with AMM, I think the pose is still a basic one that you also have in Photomode though. But his expression is an AMM one, there's custom lights, and I made use of AMM's awesome feature that lets you teleport to locations that are usually off limits (here the Arasaka Counterintel office you only get to see during the Corpo lifepath quest). Already so much better just with some red backlight and a bright frontal light that actually makes his face visible! XD This is also completely unedited!

May 7th 2023: One of my recent faves, post-graphics update, which also made everything look so much nicer in general! I think I had three custom lights (pale blue from the front, bright yellow from the left, and a small white one from top). And I've become a bit less scared about getting up close and personal into his personal space XD

TL;DR: It's a process! We're all starting somewhere, and if you're not comfortable sharing your stuff yet, that's completely fine. It's a learning curve, too, but don't give up :D I think I've really discovered an amazing new creative hobby through this game in the shape of virtual photography (and unlike real people, silly pixel men will hold their pose forever without flinching and I can fly around them and take pics from every angle... but admittedly, getting them to do exactly what I want is definitely a challenge sometimes, cause I can only say "noo, go 20 pixels further in Z direction... noo, too far, 1 pixel back again!! noo, look at Kerry, don't look at yourself, that's weird, stop moving your head around so much!" but when you then get that one perfect shot it's worth the effort and fiddling XD patience really really is key though).

If you ever decide you wanna share some stuff I'd love to see :D and if you need help don't hesitate to reach out! Now I gotta apologize for rambling, but yes :D Have lots of fun with male V and virtual photography :3

[allisonmysidee]

The Edinburgh Tab (kinda like a newspaper/social media thing for UofEdinburgh and Naper uni) is run by privately educated posh Londoners/southerners and they're (and pretty much a good majority of the uni of Edinburgh students) ridiculing our working class and Scottish students by mocking our accents, students being purposefully made to 'explain themselves more clearly in tutorials', even though they are being clear, and dissmissive comments being made about experiences of working class. There's so much more to it but basically our Scottish students are being made to feel alienated in their own cities by this kind of behaviour. It's all over tiktok if you just type in 'the Edinburgh Tab' there's so many videos talking about it and will explain better. I'm sure I've seen people from NE comparing it to Newcastle uni and Jesmond area? Xx

Omg that’s mental!! I can’t even imagine how much posh southerners have ruined places like that! One of my old best mates went to Edinburgh uni and when I tell you the accent she came back with after 4 years, she fully tried to integrate with them and proper looked down upon the rest of us after (as if she didn’t grow up with us in our town) 🤣🤣 they all seem to take over. I’ve heard about it with Liverpool and Manchester uni as well. I know Leeds uni is pretty similar, bunch of posh kids not enjoying the northern accent is so pathetic isn’t it. I’ve just read a bit about it and the fact that newspaper for the uni students is favouring a certain type of student, no matter whatever reason, is so gross omg xx

[stellaforastar]

omg can i overshare?

i needed this bc i fully beat myself up for becoming a fanfic writer. it pointed out some of the stupidest assumptions that not just i held but the people around me too.

when i started writing again all i wanted to do was run up to the people in my life and share what i created "look what i made, look at the people i've connected with through it, i'm proud and fufilled!' did i do that?

fuck no.

when friends found out i'd blush, scratch my neck and say "well life's just really hard rn i needed an outlet," ... i let them think it was a lapse in my personality i needed to make excuses for, reassure them i wasn't some 'kook'.

stupidest part of this is: one of my housemates was reading my fic. i'd be in my room secretly writing at night and two doors away in her room she'd be logging onto ao3 through her incognito tab and reading it at the same time?

and neither of us knew because we both thought we were doing something we shouldn't be doing! which is bullshit! WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE, we ate breakfast together, studied, watched the show we're both obsessed with and didn't fangirl over it once.

we're supposed to be close friends but we had all these assumptions about the type of uni students we were supposed to be, that we were "too intellectual" or "too social" to do "uncool" things like engage with fanfiction?

we found out at a drunken pres when it was either reveal something embarrassing, or do a shot and she admitted she'd been really into this fic that helped her sleep and instead of laughing and connecting with one of my best friends. my whole body went cold.

because she was embarrassed about enjoying something i wrote. and i was embarrassed i enjoyed writing it.

i pulled her to the side later that night and we had a giddy conversation in the middle of a nightclub about ATLA because shocking realisation, you can be exactly who you are.

cringe culture is such bs. and i learnt my lesson that way. i got closer with my friend bc we could giggle over ideas for my fic or she'd badger me for what would happen next, i link her into my google docs now we don't live together, we made our friends more open minded. i'm so enamoured with what i've written, it literally has made me a better person. i have so much appreciation for those that read it and the idea i or anyone would view them as less than for enjoying fanfic is infuriating, i'm so joyful i have people to share myself with and i needed to GROW THE FUCK UP. i have genuine love for the people i've met online and have reached out to tell me what my work means to them.

i wish i could go back in time and shake past me give her a fat kiss on the forehead and tell her it's so good that she's putting a part of herself out into the world on her terms.

tl;dr: fanfiction is one of the best outlets i've ever encountered and the internal conflict i went through embracing that is embarrassing.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THE FREAKS RECLAIM FANDOM. I'm so fed up of bullies and people that regularly participate in cringe culture in fandom. I'm fed up of people being like how do i explain i'm part of [insert fandom] but not in the weird way. Reminds me of a tiktok i saw that said something like "how do i say i like anime but not in the cringe otaku blah blah blah way". The fan in fandom stands for fanatic. People that complain about how cringey people that ship x are make me wanna start a fire. People that complain about how cringey certain fandom words are make me wanna commit a crime. People that say shit like ao3 needs a dislike button or algorithm make me wanna scream eardrum breakingly high. ANYONE that has EVER sent hate to a fan artist or fan fic writer for their fanart or fanfic fucking SUCKS and I don't want them in fandom spaces. Anyone that has ever said "bring bullying back" (fyi it's not gone away) makes me SICK. I am DONE with people shitting on mary sue self insert y/n fanfics because they're "self indulgent" and "cringey" and "bad writing" - fanfiction is made for the writer by the writer, it is SUPPOSED to be self indulgent and cringey and it's a hobby so doesn't have to be "good" writing. I am DONE with people shitting on cosplayers who act make tiktoks to "cringey" audios and use exaggerated "cringey" acting and expressions. And to the people acting like they're too high and mighty to do roleplay because it's "childish" and "cringey" and then logging onto character ai, in the wise words of chappell roan -YOU'RE. NOT. FUNNNNNN. And if you've EVER hated hard enough for a fan creator to stop creating - I don't care how "bad" their creation was- you are one ABSOLUTELY AUDACIOUS MOTHERFUCKER because you've robbed someone of joy and stole their fucking creativity and how dare you. Fandoms are for the cringey, for the freaks, for the weirdos and degenerates and the normal people that are kind enough and fun enough and open minded enough to not believe in cringe culture BULLSHIT.

[hangingthoughts]

March 16, 2023

Okayy, let's recount today.

I am feeling a little weak and sick these days, so I went to school wearing my gray sweater. I originally planned on walking from statefields to my uni but i thought, oh well. So i rode the jeepney. I went to school, said good morning to kuya guard and squinted my eyes, because a familiar face was squinting her eyes din to me. Hahaha it was Shan. We talked a little bit and she was surprised I was able to get in, what with my outfit and everything. I asked if she had studied anything. She didn't. Same here. Jean passed us by, we said our hellos. I saw Jam from a distance, called her and praised her new hairstyle. We went inside the uni, leaving Shan to wait for Steph. I saw that our friends were at the left side of the garden, sitting at the stone work table and chairs. I pulled Jam, because I wanted to present her to them. Which I did, with pride. I really love her appearance. They said it made her look younger. To me, it made her look badass. Pray, excuse my language. They were reviewing and eating. Then Jen and Dana came and offered me their kakanin. Which I gladly took. (I find that I'm becoming more comfortable with them with the passing days, so when I'm offered food, I gladly take it. Sorry. ✌️) I was told I could take my pick. They were about to tell me a story but unfortunately, they had to go, and the food was left to me. I took my pick. Maja with lots of those Filipino sprinkles on top, and I offered my piece to my friends. My right hand was nanginginig, and they laughed at it. It was really quite funny how the maja jingled between my fingers. Anyway, we went up the second floor, to our classroom. That's the MMA room. And we picked seats. The exam being practical, it was really challenging. Especially the percentage part. I panicked a little bit at Task 1, because I forgot the formulas. However, I didn't stop badgering those MS EXCEL tabs till I found what I was looking for. Which I did, thank God. After that, I calmed myself down. I said if i don't understand a certain step, I'll take the next problem, until I'm reminded of the answer to the last one. This tactic worked miracles. Thank God! Let's just say I finished quite early, pero not confidently. Kasi i found it impossible to believe, what with my classmates being so smart and i, on the other hand, hahaha lang. HAHAHAHA okay, so, fast forward to the highlights. Ella gave me chocolates & Gabbie lent me her CoHo book 'It ends with us'. Boi was i shocked. I never believed I'd be able to get a chance to read that in a hardcopy, and this year, too. Amazing 🤍 People are so kind. Anyway, I really planned on not coming home early so I could study for sts at someplace, however I don't want to damage the book, so i excused myself and went home na. My dog hugged me when he saw me. That boop never fails to make me smile. And then my dad and baby sister came home. Dad gave me kutsinta. That made me smile because I just had maja nung morning and my baby sister was so excited about telling me she had brought me pasalubong, Inipit. Hahaha. So far, that's all. Uhm, let's see. I took my PE exams na, and I had 6 mistakes because I took it while lying on my bed, thinking I'd go to sleep after it, which i didn't. So there. I don't know if there will be more highlights for today, aside from I have to face another exam in the evening. Oh, right. I was looking forward to talking to Sean. Unfortunately, he went home agad. Anyway, i guess so far that's all. Ciao

[brettyimages]

for nostalgic music asks: 5, 10, 19

5 if you play an instrument what is the first song you chose to learn how to play? I started playing guitar when I was 10, and I had a student teacher so we went through a lesson book, but the first sheet music I bought for myself was the guitar tab for the first Avril Lavigne album. I can still strum my way through it for the most part.

10 what music phases have you gone through? omg so many, until Suede I was going through like, new phases every 18 months or less. So like, non-exhaustive list: pop punk phase 1 2002-04 (Good Charlotte, Busted, Avril Lavigne); Kerrang rock phase 04-05 (Green Day, My Chem, System Of A Down, HIM, Alkaline Trio); emo phase 06-07 (all the Fueled By Ramen bands, AFI, From First To Last, The Dresden Dolls); Mindless Self Indulgence phase 08; glam-metal/emo phase 09-12 (Motley Crue, Escape The Fate, Black Veil Brides, The Runaways, Rocky Horror, Michael Jackson); 2nd AFI phase 13-14; The Blackout phase which ran alongside those 09-15; [post-uni malaise where there was nothing for a year]; The 1975 phase 16-17; classic alt phase 17-18 (Depeche Mode, Trainspotting, Britpop) which led into Suede phase 2018-present

19 what artist did your friends listen to, but you could never get into? When I was in high school all my friends were obsessed with Bring Me The Horizon, and I'm specifically talking about their first EP and album, the one before Suicide Season when they were really heavy. I hated the music but accepted that they were good looking boys. Now I have friends/mutuals who are still into them and I understand even less than I did then.

Thanks for asking xxx

[fdragon-art]

Insatiable

CW: Self-harm Idealisation

I was diagnosed with hearing loss at 2. Both ears, sensorineural, moderate, most likely genetic.

It was always a part of me, and not something I questioned. I saw specialists to keep tabs on it, and had teachers assigned to me for one-on-one times. I was part of a kindergarten class designed for deaf kids, to smooth integration into mainstream learning.

I got my first pair of hearing aids within the year I was diagnosed.

***

I don't remember much of my earliest years, but I enjoyed wearing them at least since I was 5... ...or, more accurately, there were times I enjoyed playing with them.

There was hide-and-seek, where someone wore the FM transmitter, so I'd be able to hear them a while away. There was using the transmitter by myself, making funny noises and messing with what I could of the volume.

There was asking my brother if he wanted to try them on.

He thought they were interesting enough.

***

I didn't like the teachers wearing the FM transmitter.

I'm not sure if it was because it didn't feel like it helped, or if it was solely because people would see it, which would make me stand out that much more, but handing the transmitter just felt...uncomfortable.

I never used it during high school.

But my hearing aids were a different story.

***

I found myself asking a few friends to wear them over those years. Each of them had things to say about it, as one might.

I saved photos of them where I could.

Isn't it weird, having photos of your friends wearing your hearing aids, as if it were designed for their ears to wear? Or was it simply the aesthetic, seeing a close friend wearing the things that make up a part of you?

I only ever figured out half of that story.

***

Years pass, high school passed, Uni slipped away from me. I no longer had contact with any of my friends. I never was the most social person.

My hearing aids were still worn on the regular, though some days had me wear it less.

Was I growing uncomfortable with them? Or did I just never realise not wearing them was comfortable too? I never go out without them, however.

I still enjoyed the look of hearing aids, the way they sat in people's ears as they did.

***

I searched up things. Things I didn't think to look for before.

I searched up "hard of hearing" and "actually deaf".

Was I looking for more people who had hearing loss like me? Did I want to make friends who could relate to this one aspect?

...or was I just after the appearance of hearing aids again?

In high school, I made friends with hearing loss (though not high school friends; I was the only one at my time) Who I had the chance to see once a year, and keep connected with over the internet.

But they didn't last. Why was that the case? Was I not actually interested in deaf friends? Did I not care beyond a certain shallow interest?

So why was I looking these things up in this way only now...?

***

...for the first time, I truly thought about my hearing.

Not my hearing aids. My actual level of hearing.

I wondered about how I'm perceived as far as my voice goes. I thought about if people treat me differently because of my hearing aids (even if I'd learn later that most people don't even notice them)

I wondered how I compared to others with less hearing than average.

Feelings were produced.

I went months without searching it up again.

***

But it would not be the last time I tried.

For some reason, only now was I interested in it all...

...except, I wasn't really...was I?

I never cared strongly about others with hearing loss. I never connected with the fully deaf. Sign language wasn't even something that interested me much.

It was all about the hearing aids again, wasn't it?

Admittedly, it was part of something where it was just a part of it, but that was all my mind desired to think about when it came to this.

***

...I found myself shrinking inside, an inescapable feeling growing...

I found a group chat of others with hearing loss, hopeful it would allow me to connect with them.

People who, aside from this fact of theirs, had other similarities. After all, we all used Tumblr. That says something on its own. There were even one or two whose hearing was similar to mine.

...all it did was make me feel outside of it all.

...why did I want to become inside of it...?

...aren't I a part of it...don't my experiences count...?

...I already discovered I didn't really care about it in that way anyway.

...didn't I?

***

I still think about it often times, my relationship with deafness and my hearing aids. And my desires that sit outside of the usual connection.

I still think about my feelings of inadequacy, as if having more hearing than another deaf person somehow makes me less of one. (I've never figured this one out)

I still worry about falling into the pits, and taking it out on myself, as if that will make me fit any more.

I don't know if these feelings will ever quite fade...

...but I've still got my hearing aids...right?

[tchaikovskym]

It's been a bit more than a month and I have:

Submitted the conference abstract (fingers crossed I get in but lmao my advisor already secured funding for me??? Hello I love her but we don't even know if I'm going or not)

I have mostly cracked what I'm looking for in data analysis. Like I'm pretty sure everything is neat and tidy now.

Decorations for bachelorette party arrived

The video project still pending bc I have to involve other people and that's ughh

I think I'm done with wedding planning from my side. I just now have to work with the bride and groom and man of honor and The Wedding Guy

Finished the English course!

Finished data visualisation course!

Did not keep tab on wedding finances but eh I can just say I'm gifting them the part I spent lol

Did cut the white ribbon in meter long pieces so it's all cool

I have chosen one free course that I have to get in touch with uni in August

Went to Paris!

Mom will plan London trip hehe

Money from uni: resolved itself, see point number one

Went on a hike!

(Finished bridgerton)

Overall this seems like a productive month. Loved getting back to this and seeing that I have resolved things! (But oh, more things await!)

today instead of working on a conference abstract or trying to think about my lack of clear question in data analysis or ordering decorations for a bachelorette party or working on a video project for that party or planning their wedding or doing my english homework or doing my data visualization homework or keeping a tab on the finances i am spending on the said wedding or cutting a white ribbon in meter long pieces for guests cars for the same wedding or looking for free choice courses to take for my phd or planning my paris trip or planning my london trip or looking into getting money from uni to support me going to a conference or planning the hike on sunday

yeah instead of all that i took a nap and watched 3 series of bridgerton

[complementaryhalves]

Hi! Are you a non-native speaker of English who writes or wants to write in English? Then stay along for this masterpost of free writing resources for non-native speakers of English!

Before starting, I want to highlight that English is not my first language either, but I've been studying English since kindergarten and started to write fanfic in English when I was sixteen. Then I went to university in Scotland, and I now work as a proofreader and editor of academic works for Chinese students in the UK.

So, the resources you'll find in this post (under the cut) are things that I've been using almost daily for the past eight years, for fun and then uni and now work.

Whatever you choose to do, remember that you're amazing for knowing more than one language and that your linguistic repertoire enriches you immensely. If you write in your second (or third, or fourth) language, you're basically a hero already! You don't have to aim to write or speak like a native English speaker. Be proud of all your languages!

[Disclaimer: I have not checked for similar posts, so if there are some out there, I'm sorry. I just wanted to do this to help others with what I've learned and use!]

If anyone wants to contribute, feel free to reblog with more resources, even language-specific ones! I might update it too in the future if I find more useful websites.

Language resources:

I'll start with the basics: my favourite translation tools.

Reverso Context: translation of words and phrases in context from texts taken from the web. On the other tabs of the website, you can find a grammar checker, automatic translator, synonyms, verb conjugations, regular dictionary, collaborative dictionary, and grammar resources!

Linguee: context translation, but with more language combinations than reverso, and with DeepL, one of the best automated translators the web has to offer for free. Seriously, I've had classmates in uni pass whole ass assignments translating them into French with DeepL.

Word reference: I use this a lot less than the others, but it's still a great online dictionary, and the forum can probably solve most of your more complex doubts about language! It also has word lists by topic, grammar and conjugation resources, and a collocation dictionary!

English resources:

Oxford Collocation Dictionary: I use this literally every day. It doesn't have all the words, but it's incredibly helpful to find which verbs, adjectives, adverbs, and prepositions go with the words you want to use.

Reverse dictionary: literally a reverse dictionary: you write in the definition, it gives you a lot of possible words. You can divide results depending on grammatical category, and even add filters if you're looking for something specific. (similar to "tip of my tongue" but better in my opinion)

Describing Words: usually gives you LOTS of examples for adjectives that go well with words, in case you don't quite know how to describe something in a more “poetic” way. If you find a word you don't know here, check it on one of the next to dictionaries.

Merriam-Webster: for definitions and synonyms. Very simple and clean layout, easy to use.

Cambridge Dictionary: Cambridge is, of course, the ultimate authority on “proper English”, so it's only fair that their online dictionary is one of the best around. It does have a lot of ads, but also a lot of different resources for each word, including examples, related words, synonyms, collocations, antonyms, and various levels of definition depending on complexity.

WikiDiff: if you're unsure about the difference between two words, wikidiff will give you two definitions side by side to compare.

Google Ngram: if you're unsure between two words and want to check which one is more commonly used, ngram is your friend. Very useful for academic writing, but it can be applied to creative writing and fiction too!

Spell checkers:

Grammarly: Grammarly is one of those things where you just have to believe the hype. I use it to check every work I send to my boss. It catches most things, and some even extra, so you have to be careful and use your own judgment when checking them, but it's incredibly useful.

LanguageTool: I've not been using this for long, and only as a browser add-on, but it's proven itself very useful, and for more languages than English!

[jkstompers]

sleepyhead | jjk

pairing: jeon jungkook x female reader

summary: you fall asleep during class next to the uni heart throb jeon jungkook, will you fall in love as well?

genre: fluff, college!au, established friendship! jk is a sweetie, oc has the fattest crush on jungkook but is trying to be very nonchalant about it, mutual pining, this is honestly just super fluffy.

warnings: none <3 (except for the fact that this is unedited so if u see any typos….pls ignore)

word count: a wee 1.8k!

authors’ note: hello!!!!! this is going to be the first piece of writing i put out on tumblr and i am equally both terrified and super excited. i really hope u like it!! this is one of the many drabbles i’ll be writing about college bf jungkook! college!au’s have a special place in my heart, i love love love them! so i tried to write one hahahaha. pls let me know what u think! alsooooo question: favorite class you’ve ever taken? mine was psychology!

the events of last nights’ study session resulted in you only getting about three hours of sleep, it was a very dumb thing for you to do considering you had an eight am the next day. but you got up eventually, dragging yourself to the lecture, half asleep. you were surprised at the way you were able to get dressed and get on a bus, but nonetheless, you were here. you made your way to a seat in the back part of the room, knowing that you were probably going to fall asleep this lecture, you kept in mind that the professor doesn’t really pay much mind to the students in the back. as you were preparing your laptop for the lesson, a familiar man plops down in the seat next to you.

“good morning, __!” jungkooks’ greeting was the same every time you saw him, it was a routine almost. he’s never sat anywhere else, unless you weren’t there, then he would sit alone, wallowing in the boring atmosphere of anatomy 101 without you.

but you had no energy today, usually you would reply back, say hello and wave to him. instead, you send him a smile, hoping that he would understand that you were sleep deprived and not really up for the usual conversations you both had.

he seems to understand as he doesn’t try to continue the conversation, but instead sitting next to you and pulling his laptop out. a computer game, it looks like a cooking game, popping up on his screen next to the documents, it makes you laugh a little.

your body is slightly turned to him and your cheek is resting against your fist, “didn’t close your tabs from last night?” you ask, voice softer than you expected, you thought he wouldn’t hear you at first, but he nods.

“went into a cooking games rabbit hole last night, i fell asleep making pizzas.” the explanation only making you giggle more. he takes this opportunity to look at you, a small smile appears on his lips as he admires your sleepy face. “long night?”

your nose scrunches, “studied for my english test, woke up to paper sticking on my face.” your lips moving into a small pout.

“take a nap,” he suggests, “professor doesn’t care.”

you wave it off, “important notes to take,” pointing to your laptop and the huge projector screen.

“suit yourself,” he shrugs, his eyes moving back to his screen and continuing to play his pizza parlour game.

you tried your absolute best to stay awake and listen to the lesson, but your eyes start feel heavier and your shoulders begin to slump down as well, the professors voice turning into a monotone buzz that lulls you to sleep, then, your usually talkative partner is awfully quiet now. all of these combining give you a reason to fall asleep during lecture, there’s nothing interesting enough to keep you awake. you give up, scooting your laptop forward a little bit and then resting your head in your arms, it wasn’t long until you drifted to sleep.

you wake up about half an hour later, a familiar scent enveloping you and a new warmth covering your body. your eyes open to see a blue flannel draped over your shoulders, one that your partner was wearing earlier. he was now in a black long sleeve, listening attentively to the professor who went on a tangent talking about something political even though this was an anatomy class. you slowly raise your head, it catches your partners attention, “good morning sleepyhead.”

his smile feels warmer than the material draping you, a beam of light coming straight towards you, something the sun would envy. you’re suddenly reminded of his flannel when it starts to slip down as you sit straight, “is this yours?” your voice is quiet and woven with drowsiness despite the warmth you feel.

he nods, “didn’t want you to get cold.”

your heart skips a beat. “i-uh, thank you,” he nods again in response. you take the piece of clothing from your shoulders to return it, his eyes move from his screen to the flannel. he wasn’t moving to receive it, so instead you place it on the table, in between the both of you. he slumps a little bit, focusing back to the professor and tying away at his laptop. it makes you snap back into reality, “oh crap, how much did i miss?”

“it was kind of a lot,” he states, your eyebrows raising and your arms move to pull at your laptop. “it’s okay, i shared my document with you.”

fuck, you thought, you wished he were meaner. it would help curb your insanely embarrassing crush on him, but he just keeps proving himself to be one of the best guys you’ve ever met. funny, reliable, fucking handsome, and just a cool guy overall.

you try to hide the way your cheeks flush, “thanks, i’m sorry.”

“no worries, you deserve a nap.” he smiles again, “if you’re cold you can wear my flannel, you were shivering a little bit.”

admittedly, you were cold, the vent above both of you being unhelpful to the cause. you decide to put the flannel on, against your brains warning signals: !!WARNING: DO NOT PUT ON FLANNEL, WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH FLUFFY HAIRED SWEET GUY!!

he smiles to you again when you put it on properly, it’s big on you, the sleeves making paws and the rest of the fabric bunching at your hips as you sit. and oh god how it smells, just like him, a sweet and alluring scent, one that can keep you up for this lecture, for days probably.

“when is your english test?” his voice snaps you out of your trance.

you turn your attention to him, the professors lecture is something you zoned out of a long time ago. “it’s at noon.”

“oh that’s good! you have time to sleep and recharge after this class then!” he says, very excited despite it having nothing to do with him. you smile at the burst. “did you drive here? i’m guessing no since you were so sleepy right? probably took the bus or something?” he questions, you raise your eyebrows at how attentive he was.

“yeah, you’re right, i took the bus,” you reply.

he nods, “if you want, i can drop you off to your apartment? i uh, if you don’t want to it’s cool, i just want to make sure you get some sleep.”

oh god, you might cry. the small gesture might be mundane to others, but to you it means spending more time with him, outside of class, not studying. it’s a step forward into an uncharted territory between you both. that means your crush isn’t going away any time soon. you’re fucked.

“if you’re not busy, that would be great,” you graciously accept his offer. he gives you a thumbs up.

“this is the only class i have today,” he reassures, you send a smile to him.

the rest of the lecture passes by fairly quickly, you were able to take down the rest of the notes and catch up thanks to jungkook sharing his doc with you. when it ends you both walk together to the parking lot, he leads you to his car, an all black one. car brands weren’t exactly your expertise, but you could identify colors!

jungkook opens the passenger car door for you, embarrassingly enough, your cheeks flush again for the second time that morning. you slip into the seat and admire the cleanliness of his car, you notice more black with the leather seats, fixtures, and a cool little monitor in the dashboard. he joins you soon enough and asks, “comfortable?”

you nod, a small smile on your face. you put your seatbelt on and steal more glances around his car, this is when you notice the starry ceiling. “woah,” is all you say, jungkook laughs.

“cool, right? usually only rolls royces have them, but my friends put it in for me, you could say they pimped my ride,” he crosses his arms and tries to act cool.

you snort, “is this popular amongst the ladies?” the question slips out before you could think about it.

if the question hurt him, he doesn’t show it. he was used to your little snarky remarks, you both would often joke around with each other during lecture like this, so it wasn’t a comment he took to heart too much. “if the ladies you’re referring to are my mom, aunts, and cousins, then yeah.” but you don’t notice the way that jungkook frowns slightly, do you really think he’s a player?

“i’m sorry if that offended you,” you apologize, he shakes his head.

“don’t worry about it,” his attention was on the road, but you turned your body to face him, your apology one hundred percent genuine, and you hoped he knew that. of course he knew.

“but who wouldn’t want to see this? it’s actually really cool, jeon, i have some stars on the ceiling in my room too!” you beamed, trying to change the subject.

“really? like the glow in the dark ones?” he laughs, like really laughs.

you pout, “they’re nice when it’s dark.”

“i believe you, those are cool too,” he smiles. you hoped he doesn’t notice the way that your stare lingers. the longer your eyes lay upon him, the more you realize how truly handsome he is. his side profile is perfect, something plastic surgeons would use as a reference picture for the perfect ratio. you pry your eyes away before he can say anything.

you arrive to your apartment and you try to move fast, not trying to wallow in the awkwardness of your actions. saying a quick bye and moving to open the door, but jungkook catches you off guard, placing a hand on your shoulder. “can i walk you in? just in case, you know, creepy people.”

a nod in response is all jungkook needs to turn off the car and walk alongside you to your apartment. he walks you to your door and you make your way in, you linger around the door and so does he. he’s leaning against the wall as he stares at you, “just making sure you’re safe.”

“you sure you don’t wanna come in and nap with me?” it was a joke, but also an invitation; one that jungkook actually contemplates. the small silence shared between you both shows his willingness. in the end he decides against it, he doesn’t want to bother your nap, or that’s what he told himself. in reality it’s probably because he would fall deeper if he laid in the same bed with you. in no way did it need to be sexual, just the thought of cuddling with you made his heart race. he thought back to the way your face was smushed against your arms when you were napping during lecture, he wanted to kiss you so bad, to pepper your face in sweet, soft kisses. to watch your eyes flutter as he comforts you to sleep.

his mind was racing, all he could do was look up to the stars in his ceiling and wish he was sleeping under the same stars as you.