#i literally had to quit the game and put it on easy mode to win these fights

[autisticskeleton-s]

flowey watching me eat shit 20 times each in the axis, ceroba, and el bailador fights: damn this bitch is autistic

[clatoera]

Always Remember We’re Burned For Better Chapter 8: Would’ve. Could’ve. Should’ve.

...hey guys. Better late than never. 

I had a big test last week and so it pushed this off. Full transparency that for the next 6 weeks I am DEEP in board preparation mode and may not be as reliable with weekly uploads (i’m still hoping to, but want to be transparent with y’all!).

Anyway. This is..sort of the last moment of autonomy they get. Theres a moment in here that came as a shock to me when I went to write it, because it was never part of the original plot, but once the time came..there was no way around it. This chapter is when original plots started to go awry and have taken on a shape more natural to writing it. 

AO3

Masterpost

Title from, OF COURSE Taylor Swift’s Would’ve. Could’ve. Should’ve due to the reminiscing and wishing of how life should have been for them while they exercise their last big of autonomy. 

And of course, this one is for my bestie who literally puts up with more clato content than anyone I know with our 47 aus across multiple platforms @ohhowwehavefallen. ily bestie.  and also @afterfawn who arguably inspired this chapter to happen the way it did. You opened my eyes to what needed to be done. 

-

If I never blushed then they never could’ve whispered about this

-

“Change of plans.”

That's what they had said to them, when the day before the victory tour of Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, a nicely dressed capitol official had arrived at their door. As they were given fifteen minutes to get ready to go, the train was waiting to take them to the capitol for a special engagement. A special two-week long feature on them, on becoming Victors in succession, on how honored  they are to be formally mentoring together for the first time into the quell.

How convenient it would be, to display the two of them as the pride and joy of the Capitol– the ideal victors, really– in the exact timing of the victory tour.

And oh, that role they played so so well.

Cato Hadley, the golden boy of District Two, with all the pride in the world for his win and his district, so proud to reminisce  and relive the highlights of his games.  Truly, there was no one in the country more designed to win the games than Cato had been. The size of him, the look of him, the brutality in his soul–one would think he had been bred for it.

Then there was Clove Kentwell. Small, psychotic, and one of the best killers in the history of the games, save for her own mentor. Shining, shimmering, golden child had never been Clove’s take, and even now they did not push such an unbelievable angle for her. They reminded the world of a daughter abandoned to the games, a girl who  went into the games to prove her own worth and that of her mother.  A girl who slaughtered her opponents like animals and basked in their blood. She had not been bred for these games, no, but she had been born for them.

Seeing them side by side though, oh it was almost too easy to forget about the star crossed love story from twelve.

It’s as if the blood on their hands mixes when their fingers are intertwined together.

It’s a constant performance in the Capitol. A possessive arm around her shoulders, a smirk on her face, a warning to anyone wanting to come for them or come between them. His dazzling smile is practically a challenge, daring someone to come challenge the favorite victor over the thing he values more than his title. They can play up possessive, they can play up the crazy. After all, it truly is  the very core of who they are. Especially now, knowing what is at stake, Cato and Clove can put on quite the attention stealing show.

All that to say, the performance would still never touch the real thing.

-

Memories feel like weapons

-

Clove’s ready to rip the hairpins out of her skull, practically peeling her skin off as she desperately tries to reach around to tug the zipper down on the back of this cocktail dress. It’s as heavy as she is, barely to the middle of her thighs and covered in heavy blue beading. It doesn’t escape her that it’s the same midnight shade as the dress Katniss Everdeen is currently wearing back in Clove’s own district.

“Want some help with that?” Cato stands in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest with that smug look on his face, closing the distance between them before Clove could even say yes. His hands find her shoulder blades first, trailing down together to the clasp at the top of her cocktail dress, one deftly unhooking before the other pulls the zipper down in one quick tugging motion.

“Yeah yeah, I know Cato, the best part of the night is taking the dresses off of me.” Clove mumbles, sliding her arms out of the straps and letting the dress fall to her feet. She side- steps out of the pile of fabric and beads, grabbing Cato’s shirt from earlier in the day off of the sink and sliding it over her head. She ignores his pout as she covers back up, bringing her hands back up to freeing the confines of her hair.

“Well it’s more fun if you keep them off—”

“Shut up and start helping with my hair.” Clove rolls her eyes, nimble fingers working quickly to pull the dozens of pins, pieces of her dark  hair falling into her eyes in little ringlets. She feels his much larger fingers joining hers, far less deft than her own, but a welcome aid regardless. She sighs audibly as the bulk of her hair comes tumbling down past her shoulders, curls twisted in each direction to frame her face

“Don’t you think it’s a little weird?” Clove asks, making eye contact with him behind her through the mirror, before picking up her comb and going at the ends of her hair first. “That we’re here and they’re there?”

“I mean it’s their tour, Clove. Of course they’re in Two.” Cato wraps his hands around her waist, propping them on her hips, before he tugs her back against him as he teases her lightly.. “I’m sure they’re not taking over as the pride and joy of Enobaria, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“It’s not that. I met everyone last year. I met Johanna and Finnick and Glimmer on my tour. Did you meet them the year before, during yours?” Clove cranes her head to look at him, an  eyebrow raised inquisitively. “It feels…I don’t know it feels off..”

“I guess I did, yeah. Maybe it’s just us? Since we have the special….assignment.., from President Snow?” Cato suggests, shrugging nonchalantly, clearly unbothered. “Enobaria and Brutus are probably there.”

“I didn’t see them though, in the press clips, and you know you can’t miss Brutus in a crowd.” Clove sets down her brush, content with having brushed her wild curls down to fluffy waves. “We aren’t invited to the party this Friday, either. Here in the capitol, you know, the final night? And Glimmer and Finnick and Johanna were definitely there last year, I can remember Marvel eating those little cookies all night.”

“It’s probably just me and you, Clove…”

“I haven’t seen anyone. Glimmer hasn’t mentioned seeing us this weekend. There’s something weird going on.” Clove pushes back off the sink and uses it as momentum to twist in his arms.

He immediately lifts her to sit on the edge of the sink, standing between her spread knees. “Are you really that upset about not getting invited to the victory party for Twelve? I don’t know about you, but i’m not expecting them to be a good time to hang around. Just look at her. She always looks confused.”

“There's just something strange about it, Cato. There's something just not right happening..”

Cato ends her line of questioning with hands sliding up the sides of her skin under her shirt and lips on her throat.

-

Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first.

-

“I told you something was going on.” Clove whispers lowly, despite the fact they are alone in the train car. There���s a distrust in her, a hesitance, bred from whatever the fuck was going on in the Capitol to the point they were ushered out quickly and without ceremony earlier this afternoon. “They don’t even want us in the city at the same time. That’s the only explanation.”

He’s come to agree, after they were hustled out exactly in time for miss girl on fire and lover boy to make their grand appearance into the Capitol. “Maybe they don’t want them compared to us directly. Can you even imagine fire bitch next to you? She’d be snuffed out to coal.” Cato sprawls out on the Capitol grade couch , arms over the back, legs spread, as Clove paces behind him. “You’re not going to get home any faster if you’re trying to walk there.”

“Do you think we did enough?” Clove hushes, leaning her elbows on to the couch next to him so she once again ensures it was for his ears and his ears alone. Sure, they were alone in the car, but the Capitol it seemed was always watching. “Do you think we were distracting enough? Do you think, you know..everyone’s safe?”

“Noone was even looking at them by the end, I swear. They smiled and waved, we smiled and waved. They did an interview, we did an interview. She wore some silly district twelve-style dress, you looked so good they won’t even remember her name. We did great, we always do.” Cato’s cocky, that's a given, but there's an edge to his voice that he can’t dare acknowledge, cannot dare entertain the concept of. He won’t even consider the alternative, of not being enough, and what exactly that would mean for his family back home. “We’ve kept up with them, and then some. Everyone knows how much better we are.” How much more genuinely in love, really.

“I just want to go home, Cato. Forget about Fire Girl and Lover Boy for a few months. Can you even imagine having to meet them when they start mentoring this year? She’s got the personality of a rock.” Clove, placated by the assurance, flips on the television in the compartment. “I think it’s their interview with Caesar tonight, right? Wanna bet they’re going to sit two feet apart and barely touch hands?”

“They’ve been upping their game. I think they were only a foot apart last night in One.” Cato pulls her over the edge of the couch, catching her in his lap. “How could you ever worry about them not being distracted by us Clove? These people believe they are in love. If they fall for that..well I don’t really worry that they can’t look away from you and I.”

Clove relaxes against him, tucking her feet into his lap and her head into his shoulder. “I just…I hope our life can be ours again.” It goes unsaid, that she wishes their life events could be theirs once more. The endless questions about their future together in the Capitol had made her stomach turn. Not because she didn’t want them– no, in fact she thought of what their life together could be more often than she’d ever admit out loud– but because she wanted them on their own terms.

“I think they’ll be settled for a while. At least until the Quarter Quell.” Cato rubs his hand over her knee, deciding to focus in on whatever Caesar Flickerman was prattling on about this time.

“You think they’ll drop this act eventually?” Clove asks, gesturing with a nod of her head towards the screen where Caesar was playing a countdown of the best moments from District Twelve’s tour together. “Or do you think they’re in it forever.”

He’s looking at her, about to make an off handed comment about them being in it until the lights are down, when he sees the color drain completely out of her face.

She goes completely pale, someone shocking considering her already fair undertones, all of the blood rushing out of her skin. He doesn’t even turn his head to see what’s spooked her, only noticing the way her chest heaves with increased effort of breathing.

“Babe..” He reaches for her, feeling the way her hand is clammy and shaking just enough that she wouldn’t be able to land a perfect bullseye. And for Clove, that’s significant. “What's wrong–”

Clove grabs his chin and directs his gaze towards the television, where Peeta Mellark is on one knee and Katniss Everdeen is faking elation.

No.

This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not how it was supposed to happen for Cato and Clove.

“What are you looking at?”

Clove jumps at the intrusion, nearly dropping the little toddler juice cup in her hand. “Fuck, Cato–” Normally, no, he could not have snuck up on her like that. Cato moved more like a herd of elephants than a gazelle. “You scared me.”

“Clearly. I’ll have to remember that one for training tomorrow. Here. She was looking for you.” Cato slides his toddler sister at Clove, who takes the nearly two year old right to her hip like she had done it her whole life. She supposed technically when it came to his little sister, she actually had.

“You just hate to be the bad guy and put her to bed. Your parents are gonna be pissed if they come home and she’s awake again.” At seventeen they had spent more than their fair share of nights off from training watching his sister, both as the excuse to have the house to themselves, but also to get out of the academy for an evening without too many questions.

Cato had the free pass whenever he wanted, seeing as she was his own little sister,  but no one chose to question too hard why his mother sent special requests for Clove Kentwell to come watch her toddler.

It wasn’t like the girl screamed ‘kid friendly.’ Unless, of course, they wanted a toddler capable of impeccable aim and precision.

Clove turns to head back into the living room, resting her head on top of the light curls of Cora Hadley when Cato stops her.

“What were you looking at?”

“Huh? Oh, your parents' wedding picture.  I realized I've never seen one before.”

“You’ve never seen my parents' wedding picture before? I wouldn’t think you had.”

“I’ve never seen any.” Clove shakes her head, stopping to point at the specific photo she had been enamored by. “You look just like your dad, it’s cute. And your mom, wow, she’s always been beautiful too.”

“You’ve..never seen a wedding picture? Like..any?” Cato pauses, glancing up at the entire wall filled with photos, from his parents wedding to his childhood in sports to the day he entered the academy. “They have lots of them, there's a whole book of them somewhere.”

“I don’t know anyone who’s gotten married. My grandma didn’t. My mom died before she got the chance. Enobaria isn’t…yep that's everyone.” Clove shifts Cora to her other side of her hips, subliminally patting the middle of her back in a steady, unceasing rhythm. “It’s sweet. To see people end up so happy. You have good parents, Cato.” Clove kicks her foot in the general direction of an empty frame, trying desperately not to jostle her boyfriend’s sister awake. “What’s that one for?”

“I know I do.” Cato agrees, testing the water with a gentle hand on her shoulder, guiding her to the living room and associated couch. He glances at the frame in question. “I think when I win the games? Who knows, maybe they’re saving it for my wedding picture.”

Clove laughs, actually laughs, at the insinuation that they have an empty space just for a future event like that. It’s still so peculiar to her, people having such hope for an unguaranteed future.“Are they hoping to marry you off when you get home? Seems silly, to save space like that, for something so far away.”

“Hey, it’s a sacred spot on the wall. Not just anyone makes my mother’s photo wall, you know. It’s a place of honor. Maybe they just want to wait for the right thing…come on, Clove, she’s going to fall asleep on you then weigh you down.”

“I’m not that small Cato, I can handle her. My mother handled me.”

“I know, I know, just..come on.”

There’s always a silence, when it comes to talking about their parents. When they talk about the mother she does not nor will she ever know, who became a mother at the same age Cato became a brother. Or of the healthy, happy home he has and she will never know.

Today though, the silence is comfortable.

There’s the air of longing, one that's settled between them recently and does not seem to go away.  

Cato thinks it could be his ever approaching games, coming within the next few months and threatening to take away this small pocket of peace they have curated in his parents home and amongst each other..

Clove doesn’t fight him when he sits exactly next to her on the couch. Between the two of them, there are no secrets for the feelings they share, or the things they do when they are alone.

It’s not discussed per say, as feelings have no place in the arena, but also it’s strictly prohibited (as a result of a different Kentwell girl, seventeen years prior). Cato and Clove…they know, though, what exactly is between them.

However, sitting close enough that his parents could see them if they came home at any moment, that was…well that was risky.

And now, as they sit side by side, with their shoulders touching, his kid sister sprawled out across them both, neither cares to move away from the other.

““Will you invite me? You know, if they really do decide not to let us go together.” Clove asks, stifling a yawn into the back of her hand. It had been the current talk amongst trainers, she knew. Sending them separate, double their win. Maybe..Maybe they wouldn't completely mind that anymore. Her other hand strokes back the baby soft curls of his sister as she sleeps, soothing the little blonde to stay asleep for her babysitters.

“Huh? To what?” Cato mumbles, grabbing the blanket off the edge of the couch and covering all three of them in it. When Clove’s tired head comes to rest on his shoulder, her weight relaxing into him, Cato further tests the waters by wrapping his arm around her waist to hold her close. When she does not push him away, his hand comes to rest on her hip.

“Your cute little wedding. Invite me, not like you have many other friends. If you don’t, I'll never get to see one.”   love murmurs into his shoulder, twisting her body so she was fully relaxing into him now.

“Oh if that happens... you’ll be there.” Cato promises, a smile obvious in his voice as he tugs her in closer. “You’ll be there.”

Clove hums in response, not even formulating a verbal reply before she is asleep against his side, him following not long after.

When his parents return a few hours later, they find the three of them still fast asleep together on the couch, Clove holding Cora and Cato holding Clove.

The photo his mother takes of the three of them in that moment graces that empty picture frame a week later.

“I-it’s okay, Clove.” Though he does not even believe himself, and  the sound of his voice shattering is enough to pull her spiraling down with him.

“They’re taking this from us too, Cato.” Clove drops her hands, before burying her face in them with a heaving sigh, nails clawing into the skin of her hairline in a desperate attempt to ground herself..

“Maybe we won’t have to-” Cato consoles, though he knows it’s useless. Of course they will. They will lose this decision, too, and likely every single one that will come after it.

“Of course we will! You know it!! They’re taking this, too!” Clove finally chokes out, a sob wracking through her body. “Our lives aren’t ours anymore. Our bodies aren’t ours anymore.They’re going to force us to get married to distract from those two–”

“We can buy some time. We say we are waiting until the Quarter Quell. That was our original plan anyway, remember?” Cato pulls her to his side, helpless as they process and realize exactly what this means. If they could force them into this, what else can they make them do?

“That was when it was our plan, Cato. Back when it was about me and you.” Clove wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand, brushing her hair out of her eyes with one hand. “It’s not that I don’t want it. I just wish it were still our choice.”

The train car goes dark as they enter a tunnel, and a crude red painting of Katniss Everdeen’s token flashes by.

-

Lord you made me feel important

-

“I’ve been thinking.” Cato announces to the open air of their bedroom, Clove tucked up against his side, desperately trying to drift to sleep. The tension of the train ride and the resulting realization of their futures has permeated the aura of their home ever since their return just a few hours ago. “And hear me out before you say no, okay?”

Clove just nods, giving him her full and undivided attention. She is out of tears to cry, out of anger towards Snow and the Capitol and the undeniable rage she feels towards them for taking her life from her. She is numb. She’s given everything and she is simply numb.

She may be alive, but they’ve taken her life.

“They’re going to make us do this. And I mean..I’ve always wanted to do it, anyway. On our time but. Still. I've wanted this for a long time.” If Clove didn’t know better she would think he almost sounds nervous, almost unsure, out of character for the boy she has never known to be anything but the most confident person in the room.

Clove props herself up on her elbows, quirking her head at him. She has a feeling she knows what's coming, what words are about to pour out of his mouth and she nearly kisses him to stop them.

“We should get married. Here in two. Just for us. They’ll make us do it in the Captiol, I know. But we should think about it, I think, Clove. Even if it’s just for us. Let us make the decision for ourselves.”

“Yes.” Falls out of her lips, despite no actual question being asked. She is in full agreement, to all things he had said, and suddenly her heart races in a different kind of way.  “Let's do it. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow, Clove?! I just meant before we had to do it for the cameras.” Cato turns to face her, brushing her soft hair back behind her ear. “You always said I'd have to beg on both knees. We don’t have to rush.”

“No. Let's do this. Tomorrow, Cato.” Clove brings both her hands to cradle his face in her hands. “I want this to be ours as long as possible. We’ll give them their show later. This is ours.” She leans in to lean her forehead against his, noses just grazing each other. “I want this to be ours.”

“Should we tell Enobaria and Brutus? They’ll never forgive us if they miss it. Maybe my parents and Cora..” Cato brushes his thumb over her cheek, unable to wipe the boyish smile off of his face. He will be married this time tomorrow. To Clove.

“No. We can’t tell anyone.” Clove shakes her head, and her heart aches at the thought of the only other person who loved her not being there on what would arguably be one of her best days of life. “When we do it on television..everyone has to think that's for real. Noone can know. We can’t…we can’t put other people in danger, too, Cato.”

It is unspoken but understood between them, that if no one else knows no one else could be brought down in the fury of the Capitol if they were to find out.

This would protect them.

“When we do it in the Capitol they’ll all be there. Cora can wear a little pretty dress, Enobaria can boss people around. It’ll be good for them, then. This is for us though, Cato. This is ours.” Clove kisses the corner of his mouth, unable to stop the silly little smile from taking over her face. “I didn’t make you beg on two knees, but you should still ask, you know.”

Cato gives her a grin she cannot define between elated and smug, and still holding her face in his hands he begs the question. “Will you marry me then, Clove?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Clove is halfway into a laugh when his lips silence hers.

When he pulls away he has the most brilliant, shining smile on his face. “Look at the time, Clove.”

“Twelve thirteen?”

“It’s after midnight. We’re getting married today.”

That morning comes all too slowly, neither of them getting much sleep between excitement and each other.

Cato has never been a morning person, but as soon as he realizes the district building opens at eight a.m. he intends to be the first one there.

He practically pushes her out of bed to wake her up, before he is half running down the hall to take an early morning shower before they get to town. He’d have a wife before breakfast, if all went smoothly, and more importantly that wife would be Clove. He’d thought about this every day since he went into those games, and while it was not the exact situation of his dreams, the journey didn’t matter. The outcome was the thing he had wanted more than anything else in the world- Clove, for forever.

Clove, on the other hand, was digging for something in the very back of her closet. She didn’t bring much with her when she moved here, or rather she didn’t have much in terms of formal wear to bring. There was a dress though she had in mind, and with a blind search she manages to identify it by feel.

Clove pulls the short white dress to the front of the closet, running her fingers over the fine lace. There had only ever been one other time she had worn it, two and a half years ago almost exactly, on the day Cato volunteered for the games. She’s never been able to forget the way he grasped the fabric, or the longing look in his eyes.

She can’t help but think that maybe just maybe he had been longing for exactly this.

Clove pins back the hair closest to her face, staring at herself in the mirror for a long, thoughtful moment.

What would her mother say, if she knew of this little act of rebellion they decided upon, taking their future into their own hands.

That's what it would be considered, too, if it got back to Snow. A teenage act of rebellion, maybe, no better than that Katniss and Peeta pulled  with the berries.

They were claiming control over their future when the Capitol thought they were eating from the palms of their hands

What would her mother say if she saw her nineteen year old daughter running off to marry some victor boy she met at training ten or so years ago.

Oh what would her mother even say to see her alive, about to marry the first and only other person who told her he loved her in the first fourteen years after she was left orphaned.

Clove ties the white ribbon of the lace dress around her waist, and gives a simple once over in the mirror. Long dark hair, a face full of freckles, thin features that still somehow made her look like a porcelain doll of a girl. A woman, really. She was no little girl, now.

She was no Capitol supermodel, no beauty queen from One.

“God, you are beautiful.” Comes from behind her, turning on the balls of her feet to face Cato, half dressed in a white button down and well tailored black pants. “I can’t wait to look at you every day for the rest of my life.”

“You can save the big speech for when you have to publicly propose to me at the Quarter Quell.” Clove teases, fiddling with her mother’s necklace around her throat. “I was thinking no rings, not until the public wedding. It’ll look suspicious.”

“Of course. We don’t need to, you know.. Bring down anyone on us.” Cato looks at her, unable to wipe the grin from his face. He steps forward and pulls the delicate lace between his thumb and pointer finger, like the fabric holds a memory of brighter days and promises of a future he once craved. “I remember this dress.”

“I know. I’m wearing it for you.” Clove teases. Of course she knew he remembered it, he had mooned over it their entire goodbye, “Are we committing treason or something, doing this without the blessing of the fucking president?”

When does the simple act of loving another person become an act of rebellion in and of itself?

“If we are well..at least we’ll probably be executed together.” It’s an attempt at a joke, but neither bring themselves to laugh. “And at least we’ll be buried side by side.”

“Come on.” Clove decides, reaching out her hand. “Let's go marry each other.”

They leave the District Two building by 8:18 a.m. hand in hand, with identical, cheshire cat grins plastered across their faces.

For today they are each other’s and each other’s alone.

For today, they are each other’s favorite secret.

For today, the love between them is enough to live for.

-

If I was a child did it matter, if you got to wash your hands

-

“Do you think they’re going to do this to me, parade me around in little dresses and let them vote on what I wear? Even worse, do you think they’re going to make me wear one of her leftovers?” Clove settles between Enobaria and Cato on the couch, a slice of cake and three forks stabbed into it on a plate in her hands.

“You act like you’re already engaged, and no, they’ll definitely give you the whole royal wedding treatment on your own.’ Enobaria nabs a fork with a solid bite of cake on it, catching a glob of icing that falls off with her finger. “What's the special occasion with the cake?”

Cato and Clove share a coy smile at the comment about the lack of their engagement. Oh if only the world knew the depth of the commitment they had already made in secret.  

“Cato’s mom sent it home with us, his sister’s birthday was yesterday.” Clove tucks her feet into Cato’s legs, offering him a fork. For three months now they had hid the extent of their relationship, and still everyday brought them a little more joy knowing what they had between them. “And yeah we’re not formally engaged but we’re thinking of doing it around the Quarter Quell. We think Snow will like it. You know, a  double distraction from Katniss and Peeta, between us and the Quell, and all that. He’s just hoping I say yes, right baby?” She teases, squeezing his chin with her thumb and pointer finger.

“Somehow I'm not worried about that.” Cato grumbles, pinching her thigh before reaching for his shared fork. “You couldn’t give me my own?”

“You have legs–”

“Will you two shut the fuck up, they’re about to announce the twist for the Quell.” Brutus sighs, sitting in the nearby recliner with his own slide of cake.

“Damn…taking away from this very important fashion show?  Isn’t this the hot topic of the entire country? Katniss Everdeen’s wedding…Whatever, I hope she wears the lace one, with the roses. I think it’s pretty.” Clove decides around a mouth of cake.

“I”m thinking it’ll be about division this year. Divide and conquer within the districts themselves. Maybe just kids who have taken Tesserae. Oh! Or only those who haven’t.” Enobaria suggests before taking another forkful of turquoise buttercream.  

“I’m thinking it’ll be an extended age range. Think eight to twenty five.” Cato decides, “It’ll suck for little kids but it’ll bring some of our better players back into play in two.”

While they pass concepts back and forth, they nearly miss the actual announcement.

They almost wish they had, for noone is prepared for the words that are uttered by the President.

The tributes will be reaped from the existing pool of victors.

It is Clove first, who realizes the gravity of what is said and of the situation..A knife no one knew she even had on her ends up piercing the center of the screen, shattering right between the eyes of their president’s snake eyes.

Cato’s on his feet, and the nearest thing to him– a remote– ends up shattering the glass coffee table in their living room before the plastic smashes into shards itself.

Even Enobaria finds her nails have sunk into the fabric on the couch, shredding it as she tenses with the realization.

Brutus is out the front door, running and running hard to blow off the deathly steam.

Existing Pool of Victors

Pool of Victors

Victors.

And oh, for Cato and Clove, they were always supposed to go together.

But not like this.

-

I damn sure never would have danced with the devil at nineteen.

-

[tobiasdrake]

Episode 51 - Who Gets to Keep Togepi?

Here we go. Today is June 25th, 1998. Pokemon Gold and Silver have officially launched as of March and now-- Oh, wait, nope. Nintendo had to release an apology due to a significant delay, and the game wouldn't hit shelves until November 21st, 1999. But it was supposed to be out now.

And so it is, even though he hasn't even finished his Kanto campaign, that Ash gets to update his Pokedex to include Gen 2 Pokemon. Oak walks him through the process, then urges him to get out there and catch some more Pokemon already! And get some badges while you're at it.

With a fire lit under him, Ash finally consults a goddamn map. Misty points out Cinnabar Island for him, so he can get a move on in that direction. Unfortunately, it seems quite a long distance away. (I'm sure it does, given that we're on the north end of the Kanto map!)

And it's a good thing he got that Pokedex upgrade, because that Egg he found at Grampa Canyon is hatching today and it is not a Kanto Pokemon. (Though I love how the episode fakes out by having the egg start to hatch just before commercial break, then putting Aerodactyl as the "Who's That Pokemon?")

The very first Johto Pokemon in the history of Pokemon media has now been born into this world, and the question becomes: Who's gets to keep them? Ash proposes a Pokemon tournament between himself, Misty, Brock, and Meowth who inexplicably got hooked into this.

(In theory, Ash should have this in the bag if he chooses Bulbasaur. Without the waterwheel power-up and plot sprinklers, Pikachu would get stonewalled by Brock's Ground types. But Bulbasaur can cut down both Misty and Brock. Like. That's literally their specific job as Easy Mode Bulbasaur.

For that exact reason, Brock should enter Vulpix. Vulpix can counter Bulbasaur, while still being Type-Neutral against Pikachu if Ash decides to go with his ace. Misty trashes Brock no matter what she picks, so his best shot at victory is to face Ash in the final. He should plan for that.

As for Misty, she's not going to like it but she should definitely use Psyduck. Psyduck's Psychic attacks act as an effective counter against Bulbasaur, Ash's best option. If she can Disable and Confuse her way through Ash, she can take Brock with no problem.

So. How do they do?)

Brock chooses Onix, dooming himself in the final round. And then suffers an absolutely humiliating defeat when Onix is taken down by Meowth, courtesy of some random pails of water that happen to be lying near the battle court.

Ash makes the smart choice and goes for Bulbasaur! Great job. He's learning. Misty, however, undervalues Psyduck, so she tries to use Staryu. Fortunately, as always, Psyduck doesn't care what she thinks and summons themself anyways.

This is Misty's best shot for victory. But unfortunately, Ash knows the particular quirks of her Psyduck too well, and is able to avoid triggering their Psychic attacks. Without that edge, Misty's goose is cooked.

For the final round, Ash sends Pikachu against Meowth. (Oh. Right. I don't know why I didn't consider that they can switch Pokemon between rounds.) This lasts five seconds. Of course it does.

Ash wins the tournament! To nobody's surprise. Ash happening to the other contestants like an up and coming Trainer to some Gym Leaders was always the most reasonable outcome thanks to his variety of Pokemon. But it doesn't matter because Togepi wants to go with Misty anyways.

So take that, Ash.

[iamnathannah]

Expanding on this, Barbie meets Gloria on accident as they try to beat the Norwegian guy to the chocolate muffins, Barbie gets there first and when she first lays on Gloria, she falls at first sight. Along with the muffin. Into Gloria's hand below. She expects Gloria to run away with glee.

"Hey, technically a tie. Not the whole thing, but we can grab a tie and split it?"

Barbie doesn't get the taste of the whole muffin here, but she'll certainly get it in her near future.

She's already fucked and when Gloria unconsciously flexes her forearm bringing the sinful chocolate charge of the day delicacy up to her lovely chest perkily contained within a turquoise Nike sports under a loose hoodie , she smoothly switches to a false flirting mode, where she's onto the smaller woman, but begins her own slide-in with a genuine tone of friendship.

"Only if you tell me how you got here so fast." "Heptathlete. Disciplined in all sports." "Ahh, you seemed tracky. Pole vault myself." Gloria laughs as she grabs a plate and plastic cutlery to split the muffin. "So you must consider me no challenge to jump..." she chuckles, sniffing the treat as she puts it on the plate. "...over." "Have to change my whole strategy to get over you, shorty." Barbie examined her clothes further, noting the turquoise circular crest on her tank above her bra, featuring a dual stripes with five stars in the middle and the Olympic logo. "You talk very weirdly American for a...gotta be a Central American country, they love their blues." "Pretty close, Honduras. Well, a representative though birthright as I was born there, but just so my grandparents could be there for it, otherwise I'm a San Fernando gal, Arcata specifically." They continue down the line, grabbing some hot eggs and sausage and plating them on their trays. "The red and white is too obvious." Barbie shook her head in the negative, to the Honduramerican's astonishment. "Would you actually believe Australian Canadian?" "Dios mio, no." Gloria winced. "Your dad did the most Australian thing! The 'shrimp' thing!"

"My grandma Ruth got through to the parents and had the most deadpan sense of humor, just the best gal, she's hangin' in there in Gold Coast; I hail Canberra-side. Moved to a little speck of a town on Lake Erie called Willows Point, found my talent while I was in Simcoe when I was in high school, and here we are. I'm in TO now though. Parents were from Glasgow and Edinburgh, so I'm technically a true 'Scanaussie'." "I'm into rare and one of a kind." Her voice let out a sexy crackle as she considered the blonde in front of her. "We could talk about my own heritage but I've got that on YouTube. Literally. 24 minutes I got out of it, and that's why the COH reached out to me after it hit the 5k view mark." "Look at us, all interested in each other." Barbie shoots off an easy laugh, playing with her hair idly and nervously.

"By the closing ceremonies I could make you my Bonnie Gal Shiela." "The Games have quite a way to go, so I'd like to see you try?" "Game on, baby." The doe-eyed brunette felt warm, but also a sudden charge of competition as she felt Barbie's hip brush slightly against hers in line. "In the Olympic spirit, I play fair though." "Lucky the IOC doesn't sanction certain activities." "Definitly don't need any enhancements here, I'm all-natural." Barbie sighed, wearily. "Eat first, darling. Can't compete on an empty stomach."

"Eyes up here then." Gloria flustered, surprised that she was getting any attention from her belly. "Though that little left freck–" "Esperada! Can I join you?" Gloria's longtime friend and fellow competitor, a Dominican woman named Rae, was known in the long jump community as El Presidente for being the respected elder of the women's side, with this being her last rodeo with the Olympics after winning two in previous Games, with Gloria hoping to medal or honor her personal Paris Geller by winning their last hep together and beating Rae for the first and last time.

"Always a space for more, though sorry, the muffins are claimed, we're splitting this one." "'S'okay," Rae shot back sitting at the table and smoothly placing her tray down, festooned in the green and gold of her nation. "Whose Rachel McAdam's sis here? Really giving the Canucks good rep here?" Barbie, still wanting to talk to Gloria, focused on her new tablemate. "Barbie Holden, pole vault." She eased into comfortable conversation with the two women platonically, but she definitely knew her new Honduran Honeybee would get right back in the match soon enough for her.

I gotta stop watching the Olympics because now I have a heptathlete Gloria/pole vaulter Barbie story floating around in my head. 😂

(Gloria uses her birthright to represent Honduras and Barbie is Canadian because I love the online joke that most bi YouTube women are assumed to be from Canada even if they've never been near the 49th parallel)

ETA - Uh yeah...example of said hotness mentioned in tags below (and she's in pink which like gahhhh!) And the article it was taken for.

[dragon-kazansky]

Dangerous | Helmut Zemo

AU! Race car driver Zemo 😎

Gender neutral reader

Collage by @realremyd

[Masterlist]

[Previous chapter] - [Next chapter]

Part 4

Zemo stared at his phone which he had sat on his desk. His car has been fixed up and he was about to go test run it, but his mind wasn't focused on the car. All he could think about was you.

Sam pokes his head into the office.

"Ready for the test run?"

Zemo looks up, acting as if his mind hasn't been elsewhere, and nodded. He glances at his phone once more before leaving with Sam.

You hadn't contacted him and he was missing you. He had no idea it would be this bad. It had been a couple of days since you had left and he was wishing time had paused that day, anything to spend a few extra minutes with you.

He looks at his car. He needed to put his racing mind on. He grabs his helmet, and gears up. Once he's in the car, he is in racer mode.

When you stepped off the train, your friend was waiting eagerly. She squealed as she ran over to you and pulled you into a hug. You chuckled as she nearly caused you to fall over.

"I've missed you!"

"I was only gone a couple of days," you chuckle.

"I know, but still. Something super amazing has happened and I'm about to lose my mind!"

"What is it?"

You both begin to leave the station, you eager to hear what is so exciting.

"Remember Tony Stark?"

Of course you did. You had literally seen him that weekend, racing.

"Yes."

"Well-"

As you exit the station, you come to a stop. Right in front of you is a limousine. Sleek, black, and expensive looking.

You look at your friend in shock.

"Explain."

Tony Stark climbs out of the limo before she can. You stare in shock. What was he even doing here? Shouldn't he be off training for the next race? Why was he here?

Your friend skips over to him and he places an arm around her.

"What is happening?"

Your friend smiles away, leaning against the billionaire beside her. Maybe you were imagining this. Tony Stark could not be here.

"Y/N, this is my boyfriend."

You are so sure your brain malfunctioned right there. You drop your bag and try to figure if you actually heard that.

You friend laughs as she grabs your bag and puts it into the limo.

"For real?" You ask, looking at Stark.

"For real." He grins.

"Come on, we'll take you home," your friend urges you into the limo. You cannot believe this is happening.

Once you're all in, your friend gives the driver your address and you all set off. You can only stare as she practically drapes herself over his lap.

You feel so confused.

The car was filled only with silence for the reminder of the ride. It was awkward and suffocating, but there was nothing you could say.

When the limo stopped outside of your apartment, you climbed out. Your friend got out too. You pulled her off to the side.

"How? When? How long has this been a thing?" You ask, rapidly firing out your questions.

"He asked me out. That night a couple weeks ago. At the party. The one you didn't come to."

"And you're only mentioning this now?"

"He asked me to wait, so I did. Then a couple days ago, he called me and said he was ready for to tell people."

"A couple of days ago? Friday?"

"Yeah."

You glance back at the car. Friday was race day. Was that a coincidence?

"I'm your friend, why didn't you tell me?"

"I promised I wouldn't until he said I could. I really like him Y/N."

"Do you? Are you in love with him because he's amazing and loves you? Or because he's your favourite pro racer and billionaire?" You narrow you gaze at her.

Her jaw is clenched, eyes hazy with tears.

"That's not fair."

"It's very fair. I don't think you've thought this through."

She let's her tears fall, drops your bag at your feet, pushes you back, and then climbs into the car. You watch the limo drive off before you pick up your bag and go inside your home.

Something didn't sit right with you.

You throw your bag on your bed, deciding to unpack later, and slump down on your sofa. Your mind flickered to Zemo.

You hadn't contacted him. You could have done so on the train. You grab your phone and send him a message.

You: Hey :) I hope I didn't keep you waiting.

You put the phone down and wait. He was probably busy, but you would wait. Closing your eyes, you could almost imagine being back in his car, speeding down the road like crazy. You missed that feeling.

Life was too slow now.

You yearned to be a part of Zemo's lifestyle. You wanted to be beside him, cheering his name, watching as he wins against Stark.

Speaking of, you would have to make arrangements. You needed to check your work schedule and make sure you had that weekend off.

You didn't want to miss a race.

You feel asleep with those thoughts. The wind in your hair, laughter filling the car, Zemo looking over at you with a smile. He was right there in your dreams.

Zemo had done several laps up and down the runway. He would take it down to the track tomorrow to test it out proper, but for now it was in great condition.

The moment he changed out of his gear, he went to collect his things from the office. Picking up his phone, his heart leaped with joy when he saw the text.

You: Hey :) I hope I didn't keep you waiting.

He smiled at his phone and immediately saved your number.

Y/N❤

It felt right to put you in his phone like that. He mentally scolded himself for getting carried away, but he didn't change it. He left it like that and replied.

Zemo: You did, but I'll forgive you. You can make it up to me when I see you next.

He smiled as he tucked his phone away and prepared to head home. On the drive home, his mind turned to you again. There was a silly grin on his face. He would take this third race as a sign. If you showed up, he would take you for that drink, and maybe something would happen. He was not ready to let you go just yet.

A thought crossed his mind.

What if he visited you before the race? He would surely be able to get you to give up your address to him. You would with the drive up. Maybe next could take a peek into your life.

Would you like that?

Never before had he questioned himself so much. When it came to you, there was doubt in his mind. It's not as if you were his anyway. Friend? Yes, quite possibly. Nothing more.

Yet, he yearned for it.

Would you enter his world if invited you? Perhaps he would keep that question up his sleeve until the time seemed right.

It wasn't until he was at home that he got a reply. You must have been busy.

You: That's fair. Assuming I make it, of course.

He smiled at your response.

Zemo: I'll be disappointed if you don't come. I may need your luck again.

You: Yes, because that went so well last time.

Zemo: My losing was no your fault. I blame Stark.

There was several minutes of silence before your next response.

You: How is the car?

Zemo: In working order. I'm going to tinker with it some more. I won't stop until it's up to standard.

You: You must be very busy then.

Zemo: Not too busy that I can't talk to you.

It was so easy to be all bold when you were communicating by text.

You: Cute, but I'm not falling for that ;)

Two could play that game, it seemed.

Zemo: May I ask you something?

You: Of course

Zemo: Where do you work?

You: Why? I can tell you now, it's no where as cool as your job.

Zemo: I want to know more about you.

There was another pause before your response. This one was a little longer than other and Zemo wondered if he had crossed a line.

Then you replied.

You: At cafe, it's called The Redwing. Nice enough place, but not as exciting as your job.

The Redwing? He had heard that name before. Sam came to mind as he thought about it. Zemo smiled.

Zemo: Sounds interesting to me.

You: If you say so. No fast cars here though, just people wanting coffee.

Zemo: I want to hear more, but perhaps some other time. I should eat before I fall asleep on my couch. See you soon?

A couple minutes go by, and then:

You: Maybe ;)

He smiled a smug grin as he put his phone down. He would see you soon, you just didn't know how soon.

Seemed like Zemo had a call to make.

@ajeff855 @moonstuffsteve @sky-writes-stuff @lieutenantn @lostghostgirl94 @friday18eo @yaskna @my-blood-is-maple-syrup @gingerwriter97 @lunamooney2406 @wilder-fangirl @nectav @whovianayesha @thesuitkovian @cathrin2405 @deathtothepatriarchy @belle82devart @dxrksxul06 @killeromanoff @alex-the-nb @latenightartist-author @hb8301 @goddessofmischief03 @xxidontwikeitxx @themeanestlittlewitch

[maddiewritesstucky]

Maddieeeee you remember that tiktok or w/e challenge a while back where girlfriends would walk into the room naked while their bfs were on the phone of playing video games etc to see how they reacted? Imagine bucky doing that to Steve 👀😏

Ahhh thank you THANK YOU for this, Nonnie! 😍 You have put me straight in my feels for a pair I have not revisited for far too long!

I’m not sure which verse you were thinking with this one, but the moment I saw it, the pair that immediately came to mind was our darling Silver Steve and Bucky!! Here’s what I’m thinking...💕

So I don’t HC this Bucky as being particularly ‘millennial’ in his persona. He’s in his mid 20s, but I see him as a bit of an old soul; definitely aware of all the trends and the lingo and it’s part of the social culture of his peer group, but he kinda just does his own thing

That being said, when this particular tiktok trend crops up, Bucky thinks this could be a fun one to spring on his significantly older boyfriend - who is very much not up with the play on these things

They’re not living together, but they’re at the point when they’re in each other’s pockets all the time anyway, seeing each other 4 or 5 days out of the week, whether it’s coffee on a lunch break at work or meeting for dinner, most weekends at least one full day/night spent together

It’s one of these weekends when Bucky picks his moment

Now, this challenge is not an easy one to pull off with Steve, because when he’s with Bucky, he’s with Bucky - full attention, not dicking around with his phone or gettting distracted by other things. Which is wonderful and makes Bucky feel so seen and valued, but it also makes it very hard to hit him with surprise nudity

So one perfectly ordinary Saturday when they’re hanging out at Steve’s place, when Steve ducks out of the room to go call the garden supplies company they’re about to drive out to just to make sure they have what he needs, Bucky decides this is as good an opportunity as he’s gonna get

He can hear that Steve’s taken himself to the kitchen, so Bucky strips off in the living room, and gets his phone ready on camera mode (he has no intention of actually putting this on tiktok - this is just for his own amusement)

He realises, as he piles up his clothes on the couch, that he actually has no idea what kind of reaction he’s expecting from Steve. They’ve seen each other naked countless times at this point, but it’s always been in the context of intimacy. Casual nudity is not a common thing between them yet, aside from taking their time getting dressed in the morning or after showers

So his heart’s beating a little fast when he walks into the kitchen, and finds Steve standing there with the phone tucked between his ear and shoulder, scribbling notes as he questions the person on the other end of the line about planter pot sizes for citrus saplings

Steve’s eyes flick up to him, and his smile is immediate when his gaze lands on Bucky’s face, but it takes a second for realisation to settle in. He looks Bucky up and down, and Bucky can actually see the moment it clicks for Steve that Bucky is standing there completely naked

And this is where all those tiktok videos had not prepared Bucky, because there’s no darkening of Steve’s eyes or flushing of his cheeks. He doesn’t curse under his breath or drop his phone on the spot or sprint over to Bucky with hands outstretched

What happens, is Steve’s kind, handsome, utterly readable face breaks into the most awed, adoring grin Bucky has ever seen

I mean he lights up. Eyes wide and sparkling, smile enormous...just pure radiant joy, tinged with disbelief. It actually chokes Bucky up a little

Steve murmurs a hurried thanks and hangs up the phone, shaking his head softly as he walks toward Bucky with that thousand watt smile reaching all the way to his eyes

“Sweetheart, what...you’re naked, what’s...did you wanna...are you making nudes? What, what is this...”

Bucky is giggling like hell, cheeks full on pink as he watches Steve’s brain and mouth stumble over what’s going on, why he’s suddenly (joyously) looking at his boyfriend naked

“I’m not ‘making nudes’,” Bucky laughs, ending the recording and putting his phone down so he can lean into Steve’s arms circling around him. “It’s a dumb tiktok thing, you walk in naked to see what your boyfriend does.”

“Oh,” Steve smiles, looking like he’s never been happier to have no clue what’s going on, “well did I pass the tick tock?”

God, Bucky is so gone on him

It takes them another hour and a half to leave the house and head to the garden shop, because now that Steve has his hands on Bucky’s bare skin he’s not particularly interested in removing them. Not until he’s touched all of it. With all of himself.

Now let’s not forget, Nonnie, that this Steve may be silver, but he’s still Steve, and he likes a challenge as much as the next guy

Which is why, three weeks later, when Bucky is sitting at Steve’s dining table on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, working remotely on his laptop...Steve suddenly saunters in without a stitch on him

Bucky almost spits his coffee all over his keyboard

“Steve!” he gasps, surprised as hell but not at all mad at the situation when his eyes rake down all that bare skin. “Why are you naked?!”

Steve looks so damn proud of himself as he comes to stand right in front of Bucky, arms outspread and face triumphant

“I’m tick-tacking you!”

...Bucky laughs so damn hard, there are actual tears in his eyes

“Oh my god, that’s not what—it’s not—”

He can’t even get the words out, and Steve just stands there with his hands on his hips looking pleased with himself as Bucky loses the plot

It gets even worse when Steve asks in complete earnestness “did I win?”

It’s quite the experience, laughing so hard you can’t see straight whilst also being rather suddenly turned on, because that’s Steve’s entire naked body right there, and it is nice 👌👌👌

“God, I love you,” Bucky sighs, easy as anything; swiping his hands across those joy-filled tears spilling down his face

It’s not until Steve’s whole face turns soft and wondrous that Bucky realises what he’s just said

What he’s just said...for the very first time

“You love me...” Steve breathes, not a question but a confirmation, and it hits Bucky hard just how true it is

“I do,” he nods, his smile and his conviction only growing, “I do love you, Steve.”

Bucky’s pretty sure Steve already knew, just like he knew somewhere deep down too that Steve felt the same. But god, hearing Steve say it back out loud?

“I love you, too, Bucky. You got no idea how much...”

Maybe it should be comical, Steve standing there naked in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon as they exchange confessions of love for the first time, but...it’s kind of weirdly perfect

Even more so, when Steve comes round to the other side of the table and literally hefts Bucky over his shoulder; carries him to the bedroom, and spends the rest of the afternoon tick-tacking the hell out of him

Lovingly.

Because that’s what this is.

[white-tulips]

I spent most of this morning continuing playing through the hikikomori route, more of my thoughts below!! (major spoilers ahead!!!!!)

if you haven’t but want to read my first post on my hikikomori playthrough, you can see it [here]!! it’s been a month since I last played any, aha...

I played for quite a few hours earlier but I don’t think I really progressed all that much aha. most of my time went towards grinding and wandering around and seeing little things. oh, and also playing through Orange Oasis. I never actually did that in my first run of the game. it was okay.

I really love how many little details and things to go back to that there are, but I’m still a little bitter at just. how long everything is. I talked about this a lot in my previous post, but it irritates me that the first 15-20 hours (give or take depending on how fast you’re able to blast through this game) is just. exactly the same as what you experience in the main route. especially since now my hikikomori save file is even longer than my main story file, and I think I still have a decent ways to go until I finish. I don’t actually know! I haven’t been spoiled for this route, thankfully, so I don’t really know how much is left. I have a vague idea of a couple areas I need to go to, but that’s about it.

ok, on to my thoughts!! this post is probably just going to be me rambling about tiny details I found interesting since I didn’t progress through much plot stuff, I think.

when I opened up my save file, I. completely forgot what I had been doing a month ago and what I wanted to do next, so I decided to go back to the Last Resort. I don’t know what compelled me to go, but there was a lot of fun stuff there so I’m glad that I did!

I had never tried to use Aubrey to go into the girls’ bathroom before? it was very cute, I liked it. I don’t know why, but as soon as I walked in it really reminded me of Basil. I think it’s all the flowers, photos hanging from the wall, and general soft cutesy vibe. I’m not really sure what to make of that, but it was just my general impression. hmmmm.

I have no words for this other than it just made me amused. go get your vacation, king.

also:

I didn’t know Hero had a confirmed age!! all this time I had been assuming he and Mari were 16 years old, so it’s nice to have something set in stone!

I have no words for these, either. seeing all of the Hero pictures just made me laugh out loud a little I loved it.

when I was standing in Jawsum’s office, I noticed that the elevator behind his desk was shaking. I went to examine it, and was surprised when this was where I ended up.

the black space elevator.

something I completely forgot to mention in my last hikikomori post was black space!! it had completely took me by surprise so I can’t believe I forgot to talk about it.

last time I played and went back to Last Resort, there was a completely black car on the highway and it had really freaked me out. as soon as I clicked on it, instead of giving me some kind of prompt Omori just got in and it drove off. I was so shocked because I wasn’t expecting it fhgjdfhgj. it ended up taking Omori back to one of the black space rooms, and I had no clue what to make of it. I wandered around for a little while, and ended up finding this... friend?

I’m... not sure! who are you......

anyways, so I got in the elevator and we’re back here, now with more spiders.

the spider wasn’t interactable. not sure whether to be upset or relieved.

aaaand then there was this guy in the treehouse. I want to know what these black space NPCs are!!! as soon as I tried to interact with it, the screen glitched out (intentionally) and then it was gone. one day I’ll know what it means.

oh, another thing I spent quite a bit of time doing at the Last Resort-

getting statues made of everyone!! RIP to all of my clams, but these are so cute.

cuuute.

I really liked the comment on Mari’s! it made me happy that it highlighted her playful side.

after I was done reexploring Last Resort, I wanted to go back to Sweetheart’s castle. I was walking through Pyrefly Forest, and I noticed one of the picnic blankets had a cooler open (signaling that you can see a new picnic cutscene) so I went to go sit down and have a picnic.

so, when I was going around earlier and doing some stuff, there were a few picnics that I think I had skipped for some reason so I was doing them and mindlessly skipping through the text for no reason other than it would bother be if I just left them. nothing about the conversations was different even though Basil is here now, so I didn’t think anything would be different for the one in Pyrefly Forest, but I was wrong!! I almost completely skipped through everything aha.

it started off the same, with Hero being scared of the spiders, and then Kel prompted Basil to say something positive to try and make him less scared.

it’s pretty insignificant, but I thought it was interesting that he said pretty much the exact same thing he says in the spider room in black space.

when I got to the castle, I went straight to the library. something about the pattern of going to black space, plus being able to go into the barn in Otherworld, just made me feel like there would be something there. and oh boy was I right. the entire place was crawling with Something.

very good.....

I wasn’t able to get screenshots of them, but there were a couple text popups that really stood out to me. my memory is so bad I can’t remember all of them even though it was only this morning,,, but I’m pretty sure one of them had a popup that was just “Liar.” and I was like HM....

it just really had me thinking....

in my previous post, I mentioned that I had a gut feeling that the Something in the barn was supposed to represent Basil, not Mari. this kind of added fuel to that thought!

the barn in Otherworld was only used in the main route in reference to Basil, with it literally showing Omori a vision of him, and also having Stranger walking into it. now, the library also has a lot of connection to Basil! after picking up one of the keys, it shows us another vision of him, and it’s also littered with egret orchids. I don’t think choosing to have all of these Somethings in both of these places is just a coincidence.

now, about the “Liar.” line. in any fight with Something, if there’s a text popup meant to be Something speaking, it’s always done like this-

with the “???:” to indicate character speech. but the “Liar.” popup was just a standalone line. and it instantly reminded me of this room in black space-

and this just kept making my brain whirl.

in this room, there were all of these popups with “Liar.” and then of course there was-

see here how there also weren’t indications of who was saying ‘liar”, but there was for Something? my idea for this room was always that it was Omori repeating it to himself. because we all know by now that Something is Mari, and her saying “I love you”, especially in this form, is nothing but pure torment. and I think here, we have Omori unwilling to believe it. there’s no way Mari could love him/Sunny. she has to be lying.

soooo then, this brings me back to the library. having the “Liar.” popup there, keeping in consideration that the Somethings there might represent Basil, what could that mean?? it could be in reference to Basil’s words “Everything is going to be okay” because clearly everything is not okay. if all of these Somethings are meant to be Basil, it could fit!!!

... so there’s my long winded theory. idk! I think it makes sense, but I could be wrong!! that’s just my first impressions right now, maybe my thoughts will change when I play more!

moving onto the piano room-

this was when I thought “ohhhh so that’s why the wall always felt hallow. it all makes sense now”

and then I spent the next 30 or so minutes fighting all of the Somethings

I LOVED this. this was the first time a fight was put on a time limit, and since Something was so much more powerful, it felt actually stressful. I was stressed! but I managed to make it with 2-3 turns left, and I didn’t die. I did die about 1 or 2 times to arachnophobia and thalassophobia though F. but it’s okay because I got an achievement and also Omori’s suffocate skill is really good.

anyways I did some more mindless walking around (I had to kill time waiting for all my statues to be built, you know!)

this made me really happy. Big Molio I love you you’re the mvp and you deserve the world.

... looking through my screenshots I wish I could forget this one-

,, do I need to even explain it.

I remember a while ago, I saw someone on twitter post this and iirc the caption was something like “isn’t it a bit morbid to have the jumprope there” and, at the time, I had never gone through Orange Oasis, so seeing that tweet I had the wind knocked out of me. I was just sitting there like “fuuuuuuuuck”. and then I went through Orange Oasis today, saw it again, went “fuuuuuuuuck” and then forgot I screenshot it. it’s just a lot.

okay who knows how I filled the rest of the 6 hours I played because I didn’t take many screenshots of the downtime and running around completing sidequests I never did. the last point of interest today was I had went back to Humphrey.

I didn’t do too much, but I did fight Mutantheart.

I adore her!!!! so cute!!! Mutantheart my beloved.

I lost to her once, because I was a bit confused, but once I caught on to the gimmick of her fight, it was actually pretty easy. rest in peace, queen, I love you...

and then, uh. Her-

I tried 3 times. I didn’t win... all of the characters are maxed leveled at 50, but this is so difficult... well, the first half of the fight I found to be pretty easy, actually. but once she switches into full power mode it’s over. I don’t know how I’m supposed to win. farewell my dream of completing the foe facts book, it was a nice goal while it was realistic. 

and then I stopped for the day! I think I needed that month of not playing, because coming back into the game after a lot of my rage and burnout settled was probably best, and I had a lot of fun playing! hopefully it doesn’t take me another month to continue.

if you made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading! I hope you like my thoughts~

I’ll leave on this note-

king shit

[suganovakawa]

it’s the impostor!

— kuroo, oikawa, akaashi, atsumu, and ushijima are all playing among us!

gen masterlist

taglist ( open ) — @yams046 @janellion @avylee @kac-chowballs

— a/n : has this been done yet? probably KFKSKKFF i’m addicted to the game so why not? lowk i might do more, but if there are other people you want to see then send an ask! <3

— also, this is the skeld map!

tetsurou kuroo.

✧｡ would probably choose to be red— if not red, black because why not

✧｡ his username would either be kuroo or genius

✧｡ now, he’s not the best at playing the game, but his lying skills are literally off the charts, the amount of times he’s fooled people of being crewmate is impressive and somewhat concerning

✧｡ however, his dumbass has a tendency to vent in front of people, which blows his cover and ruins everything

✧｡ his favorite task when being crewmate is definitely the clearing asteroids task up in weapons, he likes all the pew pew stuff

✧｡ tetsu will not contribute to meetings unless he has solid proof of who the impostor is— he likes calling people sus for the sake of their reactions though coughs lev coughs again

✧｡ LOVES LOVES LOVES to sabotage

✧｡ he’ll take every chance to sabotage oxygen, he finds it entertaining when the crewmates ignore the alarm long enough for him to score an easy win

✧｡ doesn’t really play it often, only if his friends invite him to play so that they can discuss stuff in meetings by call, he hates texting everything out

tooru oikawa.

✧｡ tooru’s main choices in color consist of cyan, white, and light green

✧｡ would either go by milk bread or pretty boy

✧｡ he gets overly excited when he becomes impostor, he’s surprisingly very sinister and cunning when hunting and killing the other crewmates

✧｡ he sucks at being crewmate though, he will stand at admin and swipe the card god knows how many times before he gets it just right

✧｡ his favorite task is probs the stabilizing steering task, since it’s super easy to do

✧｡ won’t really play often since he’s not a video game junkie, but if his teammates agree to playing a few rounds with him, he eats that right up

✧｡ prefers to call than speak in the chat, or to just all play together by phone in the same room, everyone simply spaced out

✧｡ a beast at venting, he pulls the trick where he closes the doors to lock someone in, only to vent kill and leave in a blink

✧｡ he’s so dramatic during meetings that the people playing with him don’t know if he’s lying or not, which works to his advantage

keiji akaashi.

✧｡ won’t play unless he knows someone, since he doesn’t leisurely play this game

✧｡ bokuto was the one who downloaded the app for him, begging him to try the game out; after a bunch of begging and a few emo modes, keiji reluctantly agreed

✧｡ he just goes by akaashi since he has nothing more interesting to put down as his username

✧｡ mains as dark blue, brown is his alternate choice

✧｡ surprisingly really good at tasks—first time he ever played, he was the first to finish all of his tasks, even without anyone telling him how to complete them

✧｡ if he had to choose a favorite, it’d probably be the wiring task

✧｡ doesn’t do much as impostor though, he’ll sabotage oxygen or reactor and then go to fix the sabotages himself so other people will assume he’s a crewmate

✧｡ another reason why he can’t do much as impostor is because bokuto follows him around 95% of the time, and kou makes it very obvious when keiji kills him

✧｡ unintentionally, he’s quite the detective—he’s quick at making connections and detecting lies, pointing to anyone who’s sus after listening in to alibis and conversation

✧｡ people have defaulted to trusting him first, which works in handy when he’s impostor

atsumu miya.

✧｡ refuses to admit that this game has taken over his life the moment it became popular, but he doesn’t do much to hide it, either

✧｡ mains as yellow, orange, or black

✧｡ usually he goes by atsumu since he’s not really interested in usernames—but if osamu’s playing, he’ll change his username to the better twin just to spite him

✧｡ ‘tsumu will play this game in his free time, and asks his team to play it every chance he gets; most of the time they all say no

✧｡ very good at impostor, he’s very strategical and knows how to kill without busting himself

✧｡ buuuuut unfortunately he never gets many chances to be impostor, since he’s usually unlucky and is always crewmate

✧｡ he stopped playing for a week in a rage because after playing among us for three hours, he was impostor only one time—and literally 5 people left once the game started

✧｡ his favorite task is the admin swipe card; if it’s anything being crewmate taught him, it’s the perfect speed to swipe the card, which he has down to a T

✧｡ he’s very handy at light sabotaging, he’s memorized the small diameter crewmates have when lights go out, and uses that to his advantage when killing people

✧｡ prefers to text than call, since he’s not the best liar over phone

✧｡ HATES playing with osamu, because he knows exactly when atsumu lies and will not hesitate to call him out

✧｡ atsumu also knows when ‘samu lies, but no one ever believes him JDWKKDKD

wakatoshi ushijima.

✧｡ tendou regrets showing him this game, complaining that wakatoshi never knows what to do when playing among us, leaving the middle blocker to guide him through everything himself

✧｡ mains with either pink or white since it shows school spirit

✧｡ originally he typed in a full Wakatoshi Ushijima as his username, until tendou went in and simply changed it to ushijima

✧｡ as many can expect, he has no idea what he’s doing

✧｡ he hasn’t played many video games in his lifetime, and playing this game with others further proves that

✧｡ literally asked why the vents were red the first time he was impostor, he thought it was a weird glitch

✧｡ until he accidentally vented right in front of goshiki, who called an emergency meeting and toshi asked why his little avatar was no longer on the screen

✧｡ his favorite task is, surprisingly, the unlocking manifolds task—he likes finding 1-10 in order at his own pace

✧｡ tendou basically has to guide him through everything, even as impostor—once in a while he gets fed up and just kills ushi as an easy point, then continues to help him with tasks until he fairly has it under control

✧｡ he’s a slow texter so most people prefer to be on call when he’s playing as well

✧｡ he plays for about 30 minutes at a time before calling it quits, leaving the game to go practice

✧｡ many kudos to satori for being so patient with him JDJSJDJKD

[testudoaubrei-blog]

TL/DR - Catra is a uniquely complex and compelling character who has -so much going on- compared with most characters in any medium. Her character arc is psychologically astute, morally powerful and dramatically compelling, and it pushes the boundaries of the audiences sympathies in ways that are really groundbreaking for a kids show, and her arcs conclusion celebrates love, growth, and the power to change in a way that is all too rare in TV for grown ups.

Content note for mentions of suicidal ideation and self harm.

Well, now that the summary is out of the way, here’s a massive fucking dissertation on why Catra is such a great character.

This is the first of a series of posts outlining things that make She Ra a truly great show, one that stands out even 15 years into a golden age of TV animation for kids. This isn’t going to be a comprehensive account for why the show is great - the real answer is that this show has so many arcs and so many fully realized characters and they are all growing and changing in ways that interact with each other and complement each other so well. But I’m going to highlight some particular standouts, things that this show does better than anything else, things that made me step back and say ‘holy shit they did this in a show pitched at 10 year olds?!’

And so the first of these posts is about Catra. I’ve never seen a character in a kids TV show like Catra before. Depending on the season, she’s an anti-villain, an outright villain and an anti-hero and then, in the end, a hero. Being glib, I describe her in villain mode as a Saturday morning cartoon Supervillain as written by like, Dostoevsky. She’s got the trappings of classic villain camp - long speeches, sneering, over-complicated plans, she’s oddly ineffectual at times etc/ Yet all of this is underlaid and justified by something much deeper - her feelings of rejection, her desire to lash out at everyone around her, at her self-hatred and hatred of everyone and everything else (at least by Season 4. Good God.) And her actions are as dark as her motivations - she nearly destroys reality out of spite, betrays literally everyone who cares about her (often multiple times) and isolates herself so completely that in the season 4 finale she is a solitary, suicidal wreck of a person. Hell, in her last fight with Hordak, I was definitely rooting for Hordak (to say nothing of Glimmer, who is a pretty impressive antiheroine, like if Sparkles had just blasted her into glittery oblivion would we have held it against her?).

Let's start by discussing trauma. It comes up a lot with Catra for obvious and good reasons. But I almost feel like that word is insufficient for what's going on with Catra, or at least, we shouldn't stop with it (I know there are terms like complex trauma, but rather than simply using those I want to explain the difference between Catra’s consistent abuse and a single traumatic event). To use another example from a different show, Korra was also traumatized in season 4. But she was traumatized by a series of an events when she was a young adult. She had something horrible happen to her, and it fucked her up, and then she had exposure therapy with Zaheer and at least starts to get better. Catra...Catra is much more consistently abused. It's not just that shadow weaver traumatized her with the various acts of torture, but that Shadow Weaver taught Catra both an explicit worldview and a series of coping mechanisms that she struggles with through young adulthood. First, Shadow Weaver trained Catra to seek her approval. This is something she is particularly vulnerable to with Shadow Weaver, but also what she does with Hordak and to a extent Double Trouble. Catra's instinct when people mistreat her or show that they aren't trustworthy is to invest further in the relationship, until the breaking point. By contrast, when people treat her well Catra lashes out or takes them for granted. This is uh…a dymamic I am acquainted with among people who have been abused as kids, people whom I love. It is pretty rough.

She also developed a desire to prove herself. This starts off being tied to her drive for approval, but combined with her competitive streak (which is expressed in both healthy and unhealthy ways with Adora) it turns into a desire to beat Shadow Weaver and then Hordak at their own game.

At the same time, Catra learned by always being blamed for everything to evade and deny responsibility, no matter what. I think this form of self reassurance is tied to her self doubt (I think at some level she does think she is worthless) and her self hatred. It is also enabled by Adora’s martyr complex and willingness even act as Catra’s punching bag (as we see in the flashback in Corridors). This is a dynamic that actually repeats in an even worse fashion with Scorpia. Far from being arrogant, her constant evasions, put downs against others and preening speeches sound like the words of a woman who is trying to convince herself most of all. This tendency borders on narcissistic self delusion by season 3-4, which she begins recounting her version of events and possibly believing it even when it is obviously false, and everyone knows it.

When it comes to worldviews, Shadow Weaver taught Catra that love is about control and manipulation. We see this in seasons 1-3 where she congratulates herself for manipulating Adora when all she has done is take advantage of Adora's lingering love for her. Meanwhile, she’s learned that power is her only protection, and that the only way to stay on top is to abuse those beneath her.

The final kind of static tendency in Catra is her identity in the horde and her view of herself as one of the bad guys. This is something she rarely articulates but underlies much of her her decision to stay and not join Adora (at least at first). I think one thing to consider is that even if Catra never believed horde propaganda, it may have made her cynical and unwilling to imagine something better for herself or the world. Another factor is having struggled to belong in the horde for so long, she isn't going to give up now. At first this ties into her desire to win the approval of shadow weaver and Hordak, then it comes from her desire to prove herself better than them. Another factor is her self hatred. She sees herself as someone who hurts people, perhaps as a monster. She sees herself as a bad guy and so team evil is her side.

So yeah, our girl is kinda fucked up.

And yet Catra is never reduced to the sum of her traumas and bad habits. At every step of the way she is shown as a moral agent. She is shaped by shadow Weaver's abuse but she remains aware of and responsible for her actions. This is a double edged sword. She is fully responsible for her actions, but also she is never shown as broken by abuse or mental illness. She’s fully responsible, but by the same token is also redeemable, because she still has a choice.

So with that our of the way, let's go to Catra's arc.

I’m not going to recite everything terrible Catra does because I’m still on my first complete rewatch and I honestly find it hard to list it all. It’s a lot. So let’s talk about her shifting motivations. Early on, we see her desire for approval and recognition motivating her in ways that are so easy to sympathize with - she’s been told she’s worthless for years, and she wants to be worth something. We see how much she’s been scarred by Shadow Weavers abuse and by the ruthlessness and callousness of the Horde, and can sympathize with her desire to survive and advance since her own position is so untenable. We also see how, at first, she wants to be reunited with Adora. Her first huge turn into much darker territory is Promises, when she tries to kill Adora in order to permanently sever her connection with her own life and eliminate a possible rival for advancement (should Adora ever return). She’s told herself that she doesn’t want Adora back, and at least partly means it. Yet we still show her care for Scorpia and Entrapta and even Shadow Weaver in Season 2. It’s when Catra realizes that Shadow Weaver has chosen Adora over her once again that she takes her darkest turn. It’s not just that she destroys reality out of spite, it’s that she rejects her chance for a better and happier life, betrays every friend she has and focuses single-mindedly on hurting Adora (and arguably herself) and then on surviving when her attempt fails. Then Catra spends an entire season both fully inhabiting her role as a villain (and not a sympathetic one - really only our history with her leaves us sympathetic) and being utterly self-destructive and miserable. At the end, as mentioned, she’s a broken, suicidal wreck who has destroyed everything she’s strived for. If this was an HBO drama, we’d roll credits here and she’d go down as another self-destructive antihero. It would perhaps be too much to call her ‘Walter White as a catgirl’, but still. Of course, her story doesn’t end there.

Something that is incredibly dark that is happening in step with this is Catra’s hardening of herself, indeed, her dehumanization of herself. We see her struggle with her natural compassion, her kindness, her need for connection, her desire for happiness, and we see her ignore it all, stamp it down and nearly snuff it out. This is a huge factor in her descent into becoming a real villain (no ‘anti’ qualifiers needed). Every step of her descent is a struggle for Catra - not going with Adora in the second part of ‘The Sword’, trying to kill Adora in ‘Promise’, going back to the Horde, betraying Entrapta, lying about Entrapta, threatening Scorpia, destroying the world - but she always chooses evil. And with every step she becomes more isolated, more callous, and more cruel. Her default reaction becomes not just bravado and mockery and insolence, but threats, bullying and intimidation, until her management style is identical to Hordak’s, and indeed, is quite a bit worse. Catra starts off fighting for Hordak and Shadow Weaver’s approval and struggling to survive, and ends up cackling maniacally at her brutal and murderous conquests. She has very deliberately turned herself into a cruel conqueror, and a tyrant. This self-dehumanization is a huge part of evil in the world, I think, and it’s really powerful to see it so clearly in a kids show.

Meanwhile her insistence on evading all responsibility finally results in a self-serving, self-protective narrative that insulates her from responsibility or self-examination but also cuts her off from reality and other people. It’s always a bit unclear to what extent her various untruths (about Adora leaving her, about Shadow Weaver’s escape and her concealment of it not being her fault, about Entrapta betraying Hordak) are things she believes, lies she is telling to have power over others (mostly Scorpia) or things that she doesn’t quite believe but is trying to convince herself of. It’s probably all of these at various times, and in different degrees for each lie. The end result is that Catra is even more alone, because only she inhabits the safe cocoon of lies she’s built around herself. It also is the key to her and the Horde’s downfall - Catra is so isolated and in such denial that she can’t see how thin her forces are spread, and this crack shows up even in episode 1 of Season 4, with her insistence that the Princess Alliance is in shambles (when, in fact, it’s already rebounding, and proves more resilient than she allows herself to believe, and is led by a woman as ruthless and determined as herself). This part of Catra’s arc brilliantly shows how deception (of yourself and others) can feel protective by keeping shame at bay, but ultimately is destructive and strips someone of so much of the intellectual and moral qualities that we call ‘human.’ It’s also chilling to see since we’ve seen the end game of this mentality play out in US national politics, at the highest level.

I said at the opening that we’ve never seen a sympathetic character like Catra in a kids show. What about Zuko? I would argue that Zuko is never a cruel, or as callous, or as self-destructive as Catra is at her worst. Zuko is motivated by a desire for recognition from his abusive father (much like Catra is initially motivated by desire for recognition from Hordak and Shadow Weaver, and indeed Adora), and perhaps a desire to belong in the Fire Nation. All of this gets wrapped together in his ‘Honor’. He’s a young man with a very weak sense of what he truly believes, instead relying on external guides to what he should do. He’s also incredibly self-involved, and initially indifferent to anyone’s pain but his own and anyone’s needs but his own need to restore his honor. Uncle Iroh is there throughout to push Zuko both to see the needs of others and to become his own person. Zuko’s redemption arc, then, is a twofold quest to recognize other people and to find his own moral center and act from it. This is a pretty powerful coming of age story in that it is about him becoming his own person and throwing off the shackles of his upbringing. Politically, it’s a powerful story of a young man taking responsibility for his own actions in an authoritarian regime and refusing to participate in its imperialism any more and to embrace a new way forward both for himself and his nation. At the same time, in some ways it is easy to sympathize with Zuko because his greatest crimes are those of weakness - he’s not strong enough to stand up to his nation and his family until midway through the last season. Catra though...Catra does what she does, eventually, because she wants to hurt people. She’s cruel, and spiteful, and destructive in ways that are truly scary and which prevent any excuse or mitigation.

Which brings up the other comparison - Azula. But while Azula is (somewhat inconsistently) shown either as a monstrous child sociopath or a traumatized and broken child who can’t help it (and thus, perversely, as not a moral agent but something like a monster), Catra is consistently shown as a moral agent. Catra chooses her own path, every step of the way. She has so many chances to do something else - Adora’s offers to leave together in the two-part series opener, Promises, Scorpia’s suggestion that they dessert the Horde and become desert gang leaders, etc - and until season 5, she turns them all down. While Azula seems destined for evil and madness, with Catra we see a young woman very deliberately walk down the path into unmitigated evil with both eyes open. And then we see it destroy her.

And after she is basically destroyed, we see her build herself back. This process actually starts in Season 4 with the creeping realization that even when she is winning she is miserable and alone. She doesn’t even notice Scorpia is gone for several episodes, then she completely loses it. She spends the entire time when she is at her most triumphant isolated and raging and borderline incoherent, as ineffectual as she accuses Hordak of being. She’s won, and she’s alone, and she’s the most unhappy she has ever been, and I think for the first time she realizes that. And that’s the worst blow to her, even before all the external things come crashing down. She’s already miserable before Double Trouble and Glimmer deal her a triple coup de grace of destroying all her armies*, turning her and Hordak against each other and then Double Trouble’s epic evisceration. By the time Glimmer shows up, Catra is, as mentioned, literally suicidal. But she’s also already begun the process of changing in that she knows that she has a problem (her, and her self/other-destructive tendencies). Moreover, she knows, at some level, that what she really wants isn’t conquest, or to prove herself as the baddest leader of the Horde, but love - and she’s seen how she’s squandered that at every opportunity.

Let’s just pause for a moment to observe how much better Glimmer is at villainous machinations than Catra. In a couple episodes she makes a faustian bargain for unlimited power, kills all her enemies armies, sets her two chief foes at each other’s throats and literally cripples one while rendering the other helpless. And given her ironic non-answer about hurting Catra (‘we’re the good guys, remember?’ and the fact that she’d tried to kill Catra twice before**, she walked into Hordak’s sanctum fully intending to end Catra’s life, one way or another. She does all this through ruthlessness, recklessness and treachery, and she could give like, a TED talk on villainy. Of course it also blows up in her face and is actually way worse than the portal did in Catra’s, endangering the whole universe (I always assumed that the portal only threatened Despondos), dooming Etheria to invasion and all that. Of course, Catra pulled that switch and then fought Adora knowing that the world was ending, while Glimmer was just ignoring warnings from...just about everyone, including Shadow Weaver. So yeah, Glimmer, best kids show antihero since Princess Bubblegum***(unless we’re counting Catra as an antihero, which works for the first half of season 5).

Anyway, at the beginning of Season 5 Catra is adrift. Though some interpretations, like TV tropes, see her as immediately falling back into old habits and casting her lot in with Prime, I see her actions from the end of Season 4 onwards as more ambivalent. She seems to be kind of...going through the motions. She doesn’t have any of the drive or passion in her plotting that she once did, she seems to be maneuvering into Prime’s good graces out of habit. At best she’s back in the survival mode of early season 1, but without the ambition and desire to prove herself that motivated her. Some interpretations put a lot of stock in Prime being someone that can’t be bargained with or appeased, but...I don’t buy it. I take him, to an extent, at his word when he says that he was ‘exalt’ Catra (I am sure it is something awful). Catra actually gets what she wants halfway through “Corridors.” Only it’s not what she wants. She’s done jockeying for advantage, especially in a world where she truly would be alone because all she has is this psychopathic narcissist and his clones for company. She wants connection. She wants to do what is right. She’s suppressed all her humanity (felinitity? Anyway) for years and it’s made her miserable, and now she’s ready to embrace it. At the same time she confronts her own culpability, seeing just how much harm she’s done and admitting it for the first time. Her first lifeline is Glimmer, the only person she can actually talk to, the only other Etherian, the woman whose mother she doomed and who has nearly killed her three times. But Glimmer is also going through her own dark night of the soul - Glimmer and Catra’s character arcs were converging at the same time that Catra’s and Adoras and Glimmer’s and Adora’s were diverging. And they come together on either side of that forcefield, just talking and being people in an environment that is designed to be as dehumanizing as possible. Even this barest lifeline is enough for Catra to hold on to for dear life, and enough to inspire her to not just feel bad about the bad things she’s done, but do something good.

But the first way she does this is a cop out. Her plan, like Shadow Weaver’s in the finale, is to sacrifice/kill herself doing ‘one good thing.’ That way she doesn’t have to figure out how to live with the consequences of her actions, face the possible rejection of the people she loves whom she’s wronged, and do the hard work of building herself back up as a better person. She gets to die a hero rather than live as a villain. That said, unlike Shadow Weaver she does at least get off one apology, and it makes all the difference.

Then Adora fucks Catra’s sacrifice up, in glorious, space operatic, gay AF pulp fiction fashion, by saving the cat. Catra is mind controlled or unconscious for most of this episode, but what she does do is so crucial. When Adora comes for her, she reaches out to her, as soon as she is able. She doesn’t push her away, she takes Adora’s help, and her love, and Adora does the rest in badass fashion. The next few episodes plus the so perfect its canon Don’t Go are my favorite part of Catra’s entire arc.

She nearly falls back into her old habits, at least partly. Now that she has to live with what she’s done rather than just dying for it she just wants to run away again. But when she has to choose between losing Adora all over again and confronting herself and her past, she chooses Adora, and asks her to stay.

Catra then spends the rest of Season 5 slowly easing herself into the very human world of the Princess Alliance - the comaradery, the dedication to others and a cause, the goofiness. I’m going to talk a lot more about her relationship with Adora in my Catradora post, but I do want to highlight three moments.

The first is Catra running away again. This is actually a big change from what she’s done before - she’s not leaving because she’s angry, or bitter, or spiteful, she’s leaving because she doesn’t want to see the woman she loves sacrifice herself yet again (maybe this time for good) after being manipulated by the woman who had abused them both. But then she comes back. And then she confronts her abuser in a way that she has never done before - for the first time in the series, she not only calls Shadow Weaver out but calls her to do the right thing, and doesn’t give up until she does (this is after Adora also calls SW out and cuts her off forever, meaning that her two charges have finally called her on her bullshit and chosen each other over her, more in my Shadow Weaver Rant...and I guess my Catradora rant).

Then, at the end, Catra both stays with Adora through her potentially fatal harnessing of the Heart of Etheria and then her comes in and rescues her by challenging her to do something for Catra and for herself. Not to be with Catra, or to kiss her, or love her, but just stay for her. Needless to say, Adora responds far more enthusiastically than Catra had dared hope. (more on this in my Catradora rant).

Catra starts the show convinced she doesn’t need anyone except Adora, and she’s willing to even push Adora away if she can’t have Adora on her own terms. She goes down that path - ambition, manipulation, treachery, cruelty and isolation - until she has nothing left. She then slowly, painfully, turns around and reaches out and begins to heal the pain in Etheria and the universe rather than causing more. This is a psychological journey in many ways, but even more than that it is a profoundly moral one. It is a story of her accepting responsibility for her actions, facing reality, reaching out to others and making amends. It is in every sense a redemption. And while it works perfectly with Adora’s own development into her own, fuller, happier, healthier person, it works not because of Adora or the power of love, but because of Catra herself. Adora’s companionship, Adora’s rescuing of her and holding her to account, all of these are necessary for Catra to change for the better. But in the end it is Catra herself who chooses the right path, maybe for the first time in her life. And that’s what makes the romance work in turn - Catra is motivated to change not simply by a desire to impress her girlfriend or by Adora’s shining goodness (to the contrary, Adora’s a healthier and less self-sacrificing person at least in the finale...she comes around later than Catra) but by her desire to be true to herself and seek out what she really needs and wants - which is love, and connection, and to do good rather than evil. It’s a gorgeous story that takes an antihero all the way down to hell and then back again, and this makes it a truly unique redemption arc in all of kids TV - not just because of how far Catra falls, but how far she travels overall.

*(I know a lot of fanficcers talk about there being a lot of Horde Soldiers left but like...in the show...they’re nearly all dead, guys. Glimmer and company...okay mostly Mermista... just about killed them all in an afternoon. The cadet Triad survives because they deserted and weren’t there to get drowned/frozen/suffocated by plants when the grand invasion of Brightmoon went sideways)

**Okay, once she was only an accessory to Shadow Weaver’s attempted murder of Catra, the other time she leaves Catra for dead in ‘Pulse’

***I stan PB so hard guys. So hard. Machiavellian genius, mad scientist, god figure, possible Nietzschean Ubermensch? She’s so great. So great.

[copperbadge]

Hi. I love your blog! I’m in the middle of a second major depressive episode (my first was in my teens) and like you were, I’m unemployed and living with my parents. I’m now on medication and getting help and applying for jobs, but no luck so far. How did you ‘turn your life around’ and how long did it take you – going from depressed to starting a successful career in the non-profit world? Any advice on how I could do the same?

Oh, Anon. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but in no way did I turn my life around, and I definitely didn’t build a career intentionally. 

A lot of the below is general advice -- you are already doing great! -- but I figure some people who are where you are but not quite as far along could be helped by it. Thanks for the opportunity :)

So, here’s the thing: depression is the kind of mental illness that can just be with you for the rest of your life even when it’s not impacting your life. Some depression is situational and therefore (theoretically) escapable, but some of us are just never going to forge enough serotonin on a regular enough schedule. So it’s not a matter of beating depression or backing away from it, but of learning good coping mechanisms: how to recognize an episode is coming, how to keep functioning in a depressive episode, when to ask for help. 

And unfortunately while I can tell you what works for me, this is going to vary by person. Some people feel sad all the time; some people feel numb; some people feel okay but are overly impacted by minor setbacks or frustrations, or can do normal life stuff but any deviation from routine sends them into a spiral. These are just examples; there are more. My methods of coping are stuff like building lists, making sure that those lists have stuff like “communicate with friends” on them, being on specific platforms that make that communication easy, and inasmuch as I can, avoiding drama and volatile emotions. Doing the bare minimum of housework to keep myself from being MORE depressed. Making sure my work gets done so that I keep my job, even if I feel like other parts of my life might be out of control. 

And as I’ve recently mentioned, I write fiction as a stress response. If I’m not writing but I’m doing okay -- keeping my house clean, feeling good, having fun -- that’s fine. Not optimal, I like writing, but it’s fine. If I’m writing, I’m probably a little stressed, but I’m managing it. If I’m not writing AND I’m not functioning well, or I know I’m unhappy, then I know that the depression is probably worse than I think it is, and I need to go into survival mode. 

Some people need meds -- taken year round, even when you’re not depressed. There’s no shame in that and if you aren’t currently using medication, I would recommend at least investigating its use to see if it could help. [ETA: Sorry I 100% missed the part where you are on medication, but this is still useful for others so I’m leaving it in.]

So like...”how long did it take me” is a tough question to answer because I’m still in it. I will be, all my life, and once I came to accept that, I could figure out ways to keep it from devastating me. How long it took me to establish good coping mechanisms? Well, I was diagnosed at 17, which is a rough age to be when it starts happening, but I managed to survive college (barely) and I feel like I had a pretty good handle on managing it by the time I was, I guess about 25. The point at which I was unemployed and living with my parents was the absolute low point of my life, when I was 23-24, but that was compounded by external factors. As soon as I got out of my parents’ house, things improved; as soon as I had a job, even a truly shitty one, I felt like life was survivable. (A huge coping mechanism in those days was actually Netflix, back when it was a mail-you-a-DVD service, because I knew at least a few times a week I would get mail addressed to me with a nice surprise in it.) 

And the thing about being here now is -- my parents gave me three grand to get out of the house, find a place of my own, and survive 2-3 months until I could find a job. I couldn’t have done any of what I’ve done without three solid thousand dollars, and even then I got lucky. I quit my first, super shitty job (the only time I have EVER quit a job) and got a job with my last place of work literally two week before the 2008 financial crisis hit. That job happened to be a very visible if very ground-floor administrative position, and from there I was able to impress people who wanted to hire me up to the next administrative level, and from there I was promoted into the department because I showed an active and visible interest in the work they did. That was intentional, but literally nothing before it was anything other than “I need a job and this one offers health insurance.”  

Once you have a job in which advancement is possible, which again is a matter somewhat of luck, advancing is just a matter of maintaining a good work-life balance while doing good work and showing you’re interested in supporting the mission of the company. Documenting the work you do, asking for raises, asking or applying for advancement -- putting yourself forward. That’s not so hard. But that’s kind of like starting on third base and telling someone you just need to run 90 feet. You’ve got to get to third base first and for me that was a lot of luck. 

But here’s the kicker: you can’t win the lottery unless you buy a ticket. So for you, right now, waiting on that opportunity, your job is to keep yourself alive and reasonably looked-after, gather all the energy you have, and start figuring out a game plan. Whether that’s a shitty job that you agree with yourself you’ll only do for a year, or asking your parents for a huge financial leap of faith if they’re able -- three grand was a LOT for my parents but they knew it was probably going to save my life -- or applying to better jobs that could push you up the ladder. And of course we’re in a pandemic so like, fuck the world, all of this is just that much harder. But people are being hired, and people are moving into apartments, and going to therapy, and doing their best. So there’s hope, as long as you start homebrewing it first. 

The thing that has helped me the most in the last twenty years, and which I think may be most helpful and simultaneously most frustrating to you, is that I never just said “I don’t like where I am or what I’m feeling”. I started there, absolutely, but then I asked, “What can I change to stop feeling this way?”

You have to rule out “nothing” as an answer. You probably will have to sit with the question for a while, maybe even a few weeks. You may need to google some weird shit to figure it out. And maybe what you do is a stupid stop-gap like buying yourself a $1 blind box toy once a week so you can feel surprise at something again. Maybe you admit that right now you need to pass the baton and you unfollow or blacklist political activism and activists and just fill your social media with people making dumb dad jokes and posting cat pictures. Maybe that gives your brain breathing room to find more permanent solutions.

But once you get in the habit of “how can I change this”, solutions do start to appear. 

So, yeah. Truth is I worked super hard but I also got super lucky. But part of being lucky was being there when the luck finally hit. So I’m wishing you, wholeheartedly, the best of luck. 

(Also if your parents have money and aren’t assholes I can’t recommend “Make them give you a long-term loan to get on your feet” strongly enough.)

[shhhlikeme]

I HAVE A REQUEST!! i saw you were a new writer and decided to help start you off sort of🥺i’ve never requested anything before so please bear with me. maybe kageyama (literally love him) with a genius setter gf just like him👀 i literally have no plot but if you need one i can try and come up with one 😭😭

Kageyama x His Ultimate Setter Dream Girl ✨

———————————

A/N: Thank you sooo much for requesting and helping me start off!! I definitely do not need a plot it’s optional on your part so what you sent is perf! Kageyama is lowkey bae so I hope you like it!! This is your meeting and depending on if you like it I may do a part 2 of how they are when they actually date!

———————————

It all started when, during Nationals, Hinata convinced Kageyama to accompany him to the other side of the complex to watch the girls play

Hinata had a few friends that he promised to go and watch from back in middle school when they allowed him to practice with them. Plus he owed them a thank you

“Shōyōōōōō!!!!! Ouuuuuu are you guys going to watch the girls?! NICE! Can we come?!” Nishinoya pleaded standing up from where they were sitting in the bleachers. Tanaka was right beside him pleading too as always.

Before Hinata could agree Daichi who was sitting behind them—glowered at Yuu and Ryu and pulled them back down by their shirts.

“Absolutely not.” The captain said sternly. “These two knuckle-heads already got banned from the girls side of the complex.” He glared at the two second years who cowered immediately.

Kageyama shook his head at his upperclassmen. “I don’t even want to know......” he mutters under his breath before following a skipping Hinata.

Kageyama went despite the fact that he was a little bored by volleyball if he wasn’t watching future opponents

he could use the break and they had time to kill anyway so no harm no foul

SIKE. Prepare for a lot of harm and a smidge of foul. He didn’t expect to see you there

Kageyama and Hinata found a great spot on the above bleachers and Hinata pointed to the team you played on since he knew you.

“There! Number 14! That’s Y/N — she’s in our year can you believe—“

Kags’ jaw dropped

He definitely didn’t hear Hinata anymore once his eyes stopped on your numbered jersey

Listen... I know in most teenage boys minds they think something similar to ‘omg there’s a hot girl!! look at her hair look at her legs look at her rack’ but when Kags saw you he didn’t see any of that

Well, not immediately.....

Instead, he was completely captivated by your playing style.

Tobio couldn’t help but think that if Karasuno were crows then you must be a freaking unicorn. Your technique was outrageously unique that incorporated back sets so beautiful that made you seem unreal......much like a unicorn.

The way you played is like you are pulling off miracle sets time and time again... except you made them look easy

Your wrist motion was captivating

Your spiral-stops were perfectly executed

The setter plays you called were impeccable

“She’s better than me....” Kageyama whispered to no one in particular. He doesn’t even realize he said it. Hinata just gaps at him before nodding and adding a “Duh.”

Hinata honey don’t write your death wish this isn’t death note

Good thing Kags was too distracted by your playing

He was a goner okay. Watching you play was slightly short of erotic

The way you adjusted to each one of your spikers was unprecedented

The blocks you made were clearly highly calculated

Your setter dumps were even enough to make him whimper under his breath. Kageyama had to punch Hinata so he would stop asking why he just made that sound.

Kags’ mind was—as Hinata would say: KA-BLOOM 💥— or way out of his depth here

And to make matters worse.....when you finally stopped playing and joined your team to celebrate your victory, Kageyama’s “I’M A MALE” instincts finally kicked back in as he realized just how breathtakingly beautiful you are.

He was able to suppress it because he was captivated by your playing style but now that you weren’t playing--a tidal wave hit him with the ‘omg there’s a hot girl!! look at her hair look at her legs look at her rack’ thoughts......

To make matters EVEN worse x2 his eyes bugged out when he realized you were the co-captain.

“A-first year???? Captain????” His eyebrows met in the middle in disbelief.

Hinata beamed. “Yup! Y/N is rated the #1 setter in the country for high school girls. She taught me how to set. She’s awesome and such a people person they would be stupid not to make her captai—hey!”

Kageyama was up and out of his seat in an instant. He pulls Hinata out of the stands by his arm.

“You will introduce me. Now.” His mind: Goddess.

Hinata whined like a toddler until Kageyama let him go. Shōyō rubbed his arm while pouting, saying that all Kageyama had to do was ask nicely since he was going to say hi to you anyway.

Kageyama waits on the court for your team to collect their things. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you and he felt his heart start pounding

You were quite possibly the best setter he’s ever seen at a tournament. Oikawa would quake in his boots

Kageyama suddenly felt rage at the idea of ladies-man Oikawa taking any interest in you. Whoa, that was weird. He hasn’t even met you and he’s already feeling some type of way

Anyway, you tell your team to take their lunch as you walk off the court. You look around hoping to find your friend Hinata that you haven’t seen since middle school!

Out of the corner of your eye you spot a familiar orange ball jumping up in the air and waving his hands. He was yelling your name and people were shooting him dirty looks. Smiling, you held your bag closer to your shoulder and jogged over to your old friend “Hi Shōyō!”

You hugged him and listened to him go on a rant about how good you were and how much he thanks you for teaching him how to play until someone clears their throat rather loudly.

You look over and see a taller boy in the same uniform as Hinata looking pointedly annoyed with Hinata’s blabbing. He had dark hair, dark eyes, and frankly his entire demeanor was dark

But was he ever HOT AS HELL DAMN (you would opt for never seeing light again if that meant you could bask in his darkness)

You stared at him for a little until Hinata spoke

“Oh right. Y/N, this is my scary setter Kageyama. He really wanted to meet you—“

Kags turned red at Shōyō’s last words which took you back. This mean-looking totally attractive guy just blushed?! And he wanted to meet you? Why???

“Hi, I’m Y/N.” You put your hand out for Kageyama to take and he did, staring at you intently.

You would be lying if you didn’t feel butterflies. Neither of you said anything you just got lost in each others gaze.

“So! Kageyama here is in our year too. He’s the one I told you about that I played and he was so rude... otherwise known as the king of the—hey!”

Bumping him into next week with his hip, Kageyama pushed Hinata out of the way roughly.

So you know how every time Kags meets a great setter he creepily bombards them with a string of setter questions in order to get better ? It’s like automatic for him

Ya well there are no exceptions to that rule

He doesn’t care that you’re a girl— he doesn’t care that you’re the sexiest girl he’s ever met— the boy is a robot when it comes to the setter position and so he lets it loose just like he did when he spoke to Kenma for the first time after the first crow vs. cat game : speaking so fast that he sounded like he was speaking in tongues:

“HowLongHaveYouBeenASetter?WhoTaughtYouHowToBeASetter?WhatWouldYouCallYourStyle?HowDidYouSetter-DumpLikeYouDidInTheFirstSetLikeThatEvenThoughThose2BlockersWereInFrontOfYou?YouCanPass,SetAndSpikeSoWhyDidYouChooseSetting?HowAreYouNotTheTallestButYourJumpSetIsSoPrecise?WhatTypeOfTrainingRegimenDoYouDo?HowLongDidItTakeYouToBeTheBest?WhatDoINeedToDoToBecomeLikeYou? Will you please let me take you out on a date next weekend?!”

shocked, half because Kageyama is still shaking your hand while he speaks like he doesn’t know what sentence pauses are, the other half shocked because you think he just asked you out?!

“Umm......” Your mind tries to catch up with your body that just increased to an incredibly high degree.

Kageyama gives you a look of determination that makes you gulp. You recognize that look. You know that look. All setters know that look. It’s the look of determination when we tell ourselves that we will not lose this game. A shiver ran through you when you realized it was you that he was so determined to win. 

A game, huh?

Meanwhile, in Kageyama’s mind... though he realized that he asked every setter question under the sun like he always does — the asking you out part was so automatic that it hadn’t registered yet because he’s never had to worry about that before. That’s the only reason this cutie isn’t combusting damn

I know y’all were wondering

Kags is in setter mode and love mode he doesn’t know how to act

Finally, you release your hand from his just as your teammates call you over for food. As Captain, duty called.

Looking up at this sexy setter in front of you, you nod. “Uh, sure, Kageyama. I’ll tell you what - I’d love to go out with you. But just as a little pay back for being so mean to my friend Shōyō over there— back in middle school and now.... then I’ll only agree if you win your next game. Then and only then can you get my number from Hinata, okay? I gotta jet.” You give him a warm smile and a wink before jogging out of the gym to meet your team.

Kags, finally registering what you said........ he combusts. He can’t get over how hot you looked when you just winked at him and that he actually asked you out without meaning to.

You said you’d LOVE to go out with him!!!!!!

Well.....if he wins the next game. All because of her thinking you need to treat that stupid bug Hinata better.

Hinata sticks his tongue out at Kags as he rubs his side.

“That really hurt Kageyama. And what happened to you being a dumby or an asshole when it came to cute girls? Now you know how to ask them out??? Man I wish Y/N was smart enough to make the condition that you had to be nice to everyone for her to agree to go out with you because you don’t deserve a girlfriend as pretty as her— and I want to win too.” He starts walking back to the boys’ side of the gym.

“That was my first time ever asking a girl out for your information. And watch the way you talk about my future wife, boke. Just hit my sets and win this next game.”

smirking, Kageyama’s thoughts filled with mental images of you setting, you winking at him sexily and the way your smaller hand fit in his large one perfectly. He thought about how he would make your date next week one for the books.

He really wanted you.

Let’s just say how badly he wanted you was very apparent to Hinata due to the fact that in Karasuno’s next game in Nationals: Kags was the honorary ace. And they won.

———————————————————

I’m a new writer so please give me feedback! Thank you for suggesting 💜

[softcoregamer]

DRAGON QUEST XI S: ECHOES OF AN ELUSIVE AGE - DEFINITIVE EDITION

I've never played a Dragon Quest game before, so all I had to go on with this game was the pretty looking graphics and charming character art by the Dragonball guy, which- combined with having a hankering for a JRPG, a genre I haven't played since probably the Digital Devil Saga games (minus an abandoned most-of-the-way-done playthrough of SMT3 and a partial of one of the Megadimension Neptunias) was enough to sell me on it. I'm having a tough time determining if it was worth it.

(spoilers)

The story starts off very weak. Your glowing hand marks you as the chosen one, you have to collect glowing orbs to defeat the dark lord. It's like the story of a generic videogame you'd see in the background of a movie. They do throw in a little novelty to keep you on your toes- you present yourself to the king and he throws you in the dungeon, you go back to your hometown and travel back in time for some reason- but I really never warmed to the setting. It's just a collection of cliches and cute gimmicks, like the town of people who speak in haikus, the town of people who speak in rhyming couplets (you're stuck with these people for the bulk of the exposition at the start of act 2, which is a nightmare) and the town of- ugh- Italians. There's no sense of these places being places. It's just a nice pleasant fairytale kingdom of the kind that's normally mentioned in Snow White or whatever as the place the handsome prince comes from, except here you spend dozens of hours trudging through it looking for glowing tree roots and orbs. The big problem in Gallopolis is that the sultan's son isn't brave enough for god's sake. Acts 2 and 3 pick things up, and there's some neat reveals- I like that the lil red star you've been seeing in the sky right from the start was the stain of the original hero's failure to slay the villain, literally hanging over the entire setting all this time. Also the annoying act 1 scene where you get handed the name of the villain and an orb quest in an exposition dump is retroactively improved by the fact that the exposition isn't quite correct. Act 3 reintroducing time travel and actually being thoughtful about it was welcome as well, but sadly that has the effect of making you redo story points you already did since, logically, you're back in time to where you haven't done them yet. Sometimes this comes across as getting a do-over to get a more positive outcome for something that previously ended more tragically, in keeping with the way time travel is explained in-universe as essentially reloading an earlier save (and, as revealed in the end, continuing in a separate save slot). The 8th party member's act 3 quest is a standout here. In reading discussion of the game I've seen people insist on referring to this character as 8, presumably to preserve the plot twist of his existence, so I guess I'll do it too. But more often than not, act 3 quests consist of just doing the same stuff as act 2 again, in a somewhat more curt manner. This sticks in the craw after so much of act 2 already consisted of just doing the same stuff as act 1 again. The party members aren't much better, for the most part. The first three people you meet all say "ah, you're the Luminary, I was sent to help you" and there isn't much to them beyond that for a long time. Sylvando has a lot of personality, which is probably partly why he's become the game's big meme character, but it gets grating and he is insanely trite. The Dark Lord takes over the world and purges the unclean, and Sylvando's overriding concern is that he wants people to laugh and smile more. It's like he takes advantage of the fact that I need him for his boat to get my goat by acting like a fucking teletubby. Things pick way up when you meet Rab, and the 8th party member is genuinely really good. Even the early-game party members end up having their moments (Erik's backstory was pretty fun) but the game really doesn't put its best foot forward with these characters. Not that it needs to; for the first few I was just glad to be getting some help in combat. The combat is excellent in this game, when it gets going. I played with the "draconian quest" tougher enemies mode on, and I turned it off right at the act 2 end boss. The difficulty curve flowed really well this way, with act 3 enemies not feeling noticeably less tough than "draconian" act 2 enemies. The abilities and spells you get are carefully balanced so that it's very difficult to put together a perfect 4-person party, you're always missing something. This means the fact that you can change your line-up midfight isn't just a nice quality of life feature, it's a potentially vital mechanic. They tread a fine line where sometimes needing to swap people out during the battle doesn't mean the characters themselves feel useless; everyone is capable of some extremely tough stuff. And on the other end of the scale, enemy damage is heavy enough that buffing your attack and using big-damage abilities vs healing or defending can be a properly difficult choice; a heavy hit or a big heal at the right time can turn the tide of an entire battle, as can your big hitter suddenly getting put to sleep or your healer getting knocked out. Again, this is all with the caveat that I had "draconian quest" on for the first 2/3 of the game, from what I've heard combat without it is insanely easy. My big gripe with the combat is that there's very little in the way of tooltips. What's this enemy's magic resistance? Does my Sap have a better chance of landing if I up my Magical Might, or does that just increase spell damage? Does Oomphle affect Quadraslash? If I increase my agility will it go up by enough that I can take my turn ahead of these enemies? Does agility even do that? Does using abilities and spells mean I go later in the turn order vs generic attacks and defending? You just have to guess at all this; the wiki has some info on enemy stats but I don't know where they're getting it from other than datamining. There's an entire bestiary with almost no useful information which is functionally just a model viewer for all 700+ enemies. The only way to know anything is to experiment, which I guess at least adds some purpose to combat when you've filled out the bestiary for an area but still have to grid encounters- which will be required at some point, because fighting is the only way you get xp and money. There is also too much RNG. Critical hits being rare and certain attacks having a chance to cause Confusion or whatever is fine (although I'd prefer for attacks which are labelled as having a chance to inflict status effects to actually inflict the status effect way more often than they do) but why the fuck does the resurrection spell have a 50% success rate? Under what possible circumstances would I be using that spell other than needing my dead teammate back right now? Same for all the abilities on the skill tree that say "doesn't connect very often, but when it does it can cause a critical hit" OK that "CAN" is telling me that this ability which doesn't often connect won't even necessarily crit if it does. Why would I choose this ability? To handicap myself? How is this going to help me defeat the Timewyrm? All that said, when the combat is good it's really good, and whenever I lose a fight I'm thinking "I can win that next time if I do XYZ". The 2D battles are much less fun because the pace is much slower and there are no cute animations to liven it up, but it's always satisfying when the "flash" of an enemy taking damage becomes the "flash" of them disappearing, and you know you have slayed yet another blob. Non-combat gameplay is a mixed bag. The early-game fun of running around looking for new enemies to fight and fill out the bestiary wears off hard once act 2 begins and everything is either a reskin or a glowing-eyes "vicious" version of something you've already fought, and many maps are fairly sparse with just the odd treasure chest and locked door to liven up your path to the next area. That said, there are also several areas and dungeons which make a minigame out of traversing them; the Eerie Eyrie and the Battleground were standouts for me. Especially the remixed version of Eerie Eyrie you go to later on, where you get a flying mount to ride around. Crafting is surprisingly involved, with a whole minigame around it and hundreds of recipes to find all over the place. In most cases you can just use money in lieu of ingredients, which means minimal farming is required to get a lot out of the system, and the recipes with ingredients that can't be bought feel special instead of bullshit. In terms of items and recipes there really is a deluge of content- there are recipe books all over the place, with new ones available even in the last couple of maps that open up in the entire game, and there's an undeniable cookie-clicker rush you get from getting better at crafting and taking something you could barely get to +1 all the way to +3. I play games like this as a magpie, accumulating items with nice pictures and effects that make me do a 😲 face, and DQ11 certainly delivers. This even extends to character advancement, with Hidden Goodies incentivizing picking skills you might not want otherwise, and entire new skill trees opening up as quest rewards.

Overall, DQ11 is a good combat system with loot and progression systems that are well-executed enough to feel rewarding after 100 hours, all wrapped up in a style and tone that is not up my alley at all. A good litmus test for how much you'd like the game is probably: watch this scene and if you think it's the most epic thing you've ever seen then Dragon Quest 11 is for you.

[packsbeforesnacks]

Tongue Twister || Noah & Winn

TIMING: Saturday, June 20th, 2020, during and after Luke and Layla’s party. LOCATION: The Magic Circle & Creed Park PARTIES: @noah-kalani & @packsbeforesnacks SUMMARY: Noah and Winn figure some things out over a game of Twister. Things escalate. WARNINGS: Rated M for Mature. At least three (3) boners and some brief heavy petting.

Walking into the Magic Circle, Noah unbuttoned the last button on his yellow “Hawaiian” shirt, chest now actually bare against his blue boardshorts. He knew coming as a “surfer” might be a bit of a stretch for this crowd, but having lived in the jockiest of jock outfits for years he didn’t feel the least bit drawn to a hot football jersey. Or any other jersey for that matter. Nodding at the others, Noah headed towards the bar, chatting and drinking with Miles, Nate, Otto, and Luke, happy in the atmosphere of the party.

Winn, contrary to popular opinion, really hated bein’ late to shit. But Ariana’s damn Black Cherry White Claws had been a former frat bro’s living nightmare to find. At least he was here now, before the cake cutting. A light sheen of sweat on his arms and cheeks was the only sign that he’d been runnin’ around. Hiis (mesh) shirt helped with that problem, thankfully. Parties were always hot and Winn refused to sweat his ass off if he didn’t have to. He wasn’t wearin’ much else — rainbow track shorts, sneakers (hockey players didn’t have cleats and he wasn’t going to waste the money), and the looongest White Boy socks he could find. Winn dropped his cooler by the door (he’d find Ari in a sec), and his eyes immediately found Noah. Despite his, ugh, crush, he never could resist a surprise bear hug. He rushed the man, squeezing him from behind in the most heterosexual way. “Boo.”

Turning around to find out who was hugging him, Noah smiled. “Winn, you’re here!” he exclaimed with a bit of giddy excitement. “What do you want to drink? Nate just had a shot. And then there’s Twister and stuff over there.” Noah pointed to the corner where others were already starting to go at it.

Winn squeezed tightly, inhaling Noah’s scent. “Bro, you smell… really good?” He smiled, soft and sappy, before realizing that he was absolutely showing his hand. He let go of Noah as subtly as possible, nodding at— “Oh, shit, Otto? Wild place to meet up? And, hey, Blackthorne! Small world, architect bro!”

Letting Winn do his sniffing thing, Noah just took a long gulp of his beer. “It’s a party, dude, of course I smell great.” He snorted playfully. As Winn talked with his friends, Noah downed his beer, beelining for the Twister mat. He did not come practically shirtless for nothing. The Twister game was easy enough for Noah, as his body contorted into various shapes. What was the hard part was trying not to go down as the others fell around him. He was lucky that while others were also athletic, they didn’t have the ability to hold their position quite like Noah. And just as soon as it started, they were down to just Lucas and Noah. Knowing that the competition was going to be stiff with another athletic bro in the mix, Noah took a risk, deciding to play a little dirty, jiggling his pecs directly into Lucas’s face. And down Lucas went, unable to resist ogling at a few of Noah’s assets. Releasing his pretzeled bodyc Noah listened to the cheers with a grin on his face as Otto claimed him the Twister champion.  

Winn turned away from the counter, away from Otto, Miles, and Nate, just in time to see Luke and Noah duking it out on the magical (?) Twister board. Immediately, he wished he hadn’t. ‘Cause Noah was playin’ dirty on the hapless bisexual man beneath (and on top of?) him. So, Winn saw Noah wiggle his pecs, saw Noah win based on the strength of bein’ fucking gorgeous and charming. His mouth ran dry, drier when Miles joked “You know, might want to ease up on the pec wiggling. Lot of folks wearin’ sweats and trackpants.” Winn needed a drink, but Otto was moving out from behind the counter to declare the winner, and… Was it hot in here? It was hot in here. (He was wearing mesh and the jock equivalent of booty shorts, he knew. But it was, like, definitely just hot.) Pull it together, Winner.

Grabbing his shirt from the side of the mat, Noah couldn’t help but to grin as he threw it back over his shoulders. He honestly had not planned to flex hard enough to make poor Luke fall, but at the same time he was glad his assets had somehow come in handy — especially as Otto declared him the de facto winner. Riding the endorphin high, Noah gave a few back pats and good games before sauntering over to the one person he really wanted to talk to right now. “You saw that, right?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Winn, dimples on display. He wasn’t exactly sure why he wanted Winn’s attention, but goddamn if he wasn’t going to get something out of the usually flirtatious Winner Lycus Woods tonight.

“Um,” Winn said, extremely intelligently. Okay, bro mode. Go bro mode. “I saw you destroy the birthday boy, brah!” He bro-hugged Noah, giving him two slaps on his — wait, shit, shirtless — back, before pulling back and grinning wildly at the other man. “Who knew you were so flexible, yeah?” Wait. Gay. Gay as shit. Backtrack. “I mean, other than all those girls you bag, hahaha!” Laughing too loud again. Why the fuck had Noah come over here, flashed those dimples? Why couldn’t Winn fucking control his stupid ass around a cute boy. A cute, straight boy. Damn it. He was spared further mortification by the cake-cutting being called. He gave Noah another bro-pounding on the back for good measure — his skin was hot and nice — and said, “Cake? I made the fuckin’ thing, I should get the fuckin’ thing, yeah? YEAH!”

Looking at Winn, Noah raised a slight eyebrow, trying not to look too concerned for the man in front of him. This wasn’t like Winn at all. Like yeah, he was still flirty Winn. But the usual finesse seemed to be gone and was replaced by an almost uncomfortable awkwardness. And especially as he started talking about Noah’s body count. “Not that I would ever be one to dismiss my sexual prowess, but I think the thanks goes more toward all the Physical Therapists I’ve seen over the years. You think Twister’s bad, wait till one of those dudes has you on a table.” He chuckled, before the announcement about cake was made. “Oh yeah, I forgot Ari said you made the cake!” Excited about the prospect of stuffing his face (and potentially smashing someone's face in a piece), Noah found his hand resting on Winn’s lower back, cheekily pushing the other in front of him. “Lead the way, stud.”

“Not the way I want dudes to have me on a table, Noh,” Winn said automatically, trying to recover from the goddamn travesty that had taken over his social skills. But then, Noah’s hand was on his back, and Winn wanted to swear aloud. They were friends. Winn shouldn’t be flinching away from his friend’s touch, too scared of liking it. Liking it too much. But flinch he did, darting forward a full foot away from Noah’s hand the moment he heard stud come out of Noah’s mouth. Winn tried to save it, a strained “Race you?” to his friend, but it was flimsy at best. The table was close. He scrolled through better excuses. Bathroom? No, he’d miss the cake-cutting. Lean into the physical affection? No, he’d explode. Literally explode. But, fuck, he needed air, needed away from Noah. The problem was, he didn’t want to be away from Noah. He put some distance between them as they made their way over, hoping it wasn’t… obvious. He’d told Blanche and Ricky, he didn’t want to hurt this friendship. He didn’t. But… Fuck, maybe he needed some space. For a while.

Noah was not known to be one of the most astute of people, but he definitely was not dumb, and Winn was definitely being weird. Like super weird. Like he was even flinching away from his touch weird . What the actual fuck. Grabbing his shoulder Noah gently stopped Winn from moving any further, coming up to face him. “Winn, what’s going on with you?” he asked quietly, hoping his eyes screamed sincerity. Had he done something wrong? Shit. He’d done something wrong hadn’t he.

But no, Winn couldn’t do that to Noah. Not after his stupid misunderstanding. Not after Noah had poured his heart out to Winn. Noah deserved to know, and Winn would have picked a better time for this, but… He felt a hand on his shoulder, and then Noah was in front of him. Winn looked into his friend’s eyes. And he couldn’t stop himself, couldn’t find it in him to lie, not looking into those eyes, again. “I need to talk to you about something,” he said, he hoped, quietly and evenly. “I’m not breaking my promise,” he tried to assure, but realized that might sound bad. “That’s not even a possibility, Noh.” His throat was scratchy a bit, but he wouldn’t be the world’s worst packmate and make a scene at his friends’ birthday party. The pack had had enough misery, he wouldn’t add his own to the pile. “Let’s… Would you mind stayin’ after the party, for a little bit? We could, um, take a walk. Sober.” As much as Winn wanted liquid courage, he needed to be stronger than this. For himself, and for Noah.

Taking in everything, Noah felt his heart start to beat wildly. “We need to talk” was not exactly the most calming phrase in the history of phrases, especially when it was accompanied by Winn acting weird and bringing up his running incident again. And sober? Why the fuck did he want him sober? Resisting the urge to just flat out refuse to hear Winn out (because fuck fucking Winn and his mood killing vibe), Noah removed the shirt from around his shoulders, and started shoving his arms through, already feeling too vulnerable and bare for this right now. “It's fine. We can definitely talk later.” He nodded, as he resumed walking toward the cake. Looks like he was gonna need like 3 pieces if Winn wanted him to get through this night sober.

“Hey, hey,” Winn said, already knowing the signs of Noah tightening up, heard Noah’s heart slamming in his chest. He grabbed Noah’s hand as he was walking away, pulling the other man back again and giving his hand a firm squeeze. (Gay, his mind screamed.) “Seriously, Noh. Things are good. Really good, I promise. Let’s just act like we’re hangin’ out all chill-like. And you looked great without a shirt, bro.” There. Cool. Easy. Winn smiled, straightening up, and turned back to the cake-side of the room. Okay, change of plans. Don’t leave Noah’s side for long. Winn kept Noah’s hand tight in his, running circles and lines with his thumb, pulling him towards the cake. After the cutting (and where the hell was Layla?), Winn grabbed a piece of the cake (that he definitely couldn’t eat) and resolved to be the smooth, easy Winner everyone was expecting. Noah was always in his sight, and on his mind, the calm gravity of the other man leading him back again and again (he even refilled the man’s cake plate with his own slice). As the night dragged on, Winn loosened up, little by little. “Wanna play some Twister?” he asked, eventually, wiggling his eyebrows.

Feeling the tug of a hand intertwining with his, Noah allowed himself to be forcibly turned back, fully expecting to have a goddamn meltdown, lovers quarrel, whatever the fuck this was, right in the middle of the fucking birthday party. But when he looked at Winn, and listened to him qualify a bit more that this was going to be a good talk Noah could feel his anxiety and anger dissipate slightly. Winn wasn’t trying to hurt him, or make him upset, Winn was... reassuring him? Woah. Noah stared straight at Winn, mouth opening and then closing, any sort of rebuttal dying on his tongue at this sudden realization. Nodding, Noah just turned back toward the cake, hand in hand with Winn, figuring he could try to be chill (even though holding hands with Winn in the middle of a large crowded room made him decidedly not chill) After his prerequisite 3 pieces of cake, and a lot of laughter, Noah could feel his good mood comeback, the sugar in his veins making him giddy. “Only if you wanna get your ass handed to you.” He smirked at Winn “I am the reigning champ after all.”

“Bro, I’m going to smoke you like a joint,” Winn said, a soft chuckle. “I’m flexible as hell.” He looked down at his mesh crop-top, a small frown. But, well, Noah had been shirtless during his last game? So, it'd be… fine. Pulling the shirt over his head, and using it to dab at the light sweat on his face and chest, Winn winked at Noah. He could hashtag-flirt his way into being totally comfortable with this, right? Winn tossed it over behind the bar when Otto wasn’t looking, and got up in Noah’s face a bit, cocky smirk plastered across his mouth. Jocks did this, right? Jocks. “Wanna make a bet?” he said, suddenly bold. “Let’s make it interesting.”

“Yea well flexibility is only half the battle” Noah replied trying not to watch to closely as Winn divested himself of his own shirt. He’d avoided looking at them in the beginning, but the barebells in Winn’s nipple now caught his full attention. Fuck. That was…. Biting his lip Noah busied himself with looking annnnnnnywhere else. One day he’d ask Winn about them, but for now he was gonna pick his horny ass jaw up off the floor and play some twister. But then Winn got in his face and the wolf in him started to bleed through. “Depends. What are we betting?” Noah drew himself to full height, recognizing the alpha male energy Winn was trying to exude and matching it with equal and unflinching force. Two could play that game after all. “My first born is already promised to another.”

Aw, fuck. Noah was trying to alpha dog his way through this conversation. Winn had some regrets about wearing [compression] shorts and little else, ‘cause Noah made a convincing wolf even in his half-self. Regrets. But he could keep himself — and his head — in the game. “Well,” he said, word dripping out in his honeyed accent, “Can’t be nothing money can buy. Too easy for me to get out of. We’re not sitcom characters, so I ain’t gonna make you my errand boy for a week either. Hmm…” He put his finger to chin, making a big show of thinking. “What do you have,” Winn said, voice going from sweet to gravelly as he leaned in to talk into Noah’s ear, hot breath close, “to bargain with, Kalani?” Was anyone staring? Someone had to be seeing this.

Standing still, Noah cocked his head, smirk still splayed across his lips. This was starting to get heated, and it was safe to say that his wolf liked it, the whole confrontation with a heaping helping of sexual tension was something that Noah usually ate up when he was out with women. But then Winn was whispering in his ear, hot breath tingling against his neck, practically making his brain short circuit. And normally, he would have pulled away by now, the thought of all of these strangers eyes and thoughts too much to bear. But there was something about having three pieces of cake coursing through his blood stream, and the rainbow of lights, and the way Winn was pleading, no begging for him to just give up that had Noah digging his heels in. If Winn wanted a challenge, we was gonna get a fucking challenge “Well I usually bargain with my body, but…” He trailed off slowly, devilish dimples out in full bloom. Pulling away Noah winked before he turned and headed toward the Twister mat. Your move, Winner.

Noah looked… fucking amazing under the shine of the lights — the happy flush to his brown skin, those damn dimples. Winn could almost put them in another time, another place. A club in DC, the attic of the frat house. But one of the things about Noah that Winn wanted to drink in was his fight, the confidence in his challenges to Winn’s questions, Winn’s flirtation. And sure, maybe it was all actin’, but Winn was a selfish man. He’d take this. He could almost feel the steam rolling off their bodies when Noah mentioned betting his body, something in Winn clicking into place. It wasn’t a true bet, but the wolf was prowling now, sensing a dare. And though the human in Winn wanted to stamp down the hope-tinged-with-horny, the wolf in him knew it was fuckin’ on. “One-on-one!” Winn called out to Noah, standing across from him on the mat. “Winner takes all.” He grinned, staring pointedly at his friend.

Shrugging out of his button down, Noah draped it over the back of the nearest chair, his whole body tingling with anticipation. He loved flirting, he loved fighting, and if he was being honest with himself, he’d say that he also loved looking across the mat and seeing Winn, in all his glory. Happy. Grinning. Sarcastic. Flirty. Winn. “Sure” Noah responded, throwing a cheeky arm over his chest to stretch a little bit and he toed off his shoes. One on One would generally be harder than regular Twister but he was willing to accommodate the request “Though I think you mean Noah takes all, buddy boy” Switching arms, Noah grinned straight back at Winn.

Winn was glad they weren’t attracting too much of a crowd. It made him feel like Noah and he could just relax and lean into whatever their energy was. The first spins of the dial were easy, Noah and Winn dancing around one side of the board. “Swing your partner round and round,” Winn sing-songed, shoulders shimmying as he moved into the newest variation on “feet spread a normal amount apart.” But that quickly changed, as Winn felt them stretch from one side of the mat to the other with their hands, and then a leg. And, oh, alright. Okay. Ass. That was definitely Noah’s ass. Right in his face. Winn was near-touching it, his breath easy on the dip of Noah’s back. “Bro, have you been working your glutes? Lookin’ tight,” he quipped just loud enough for Noah to hear, trying to distract himself. Fortunately for him, the next spin allowed him to try and reposition himself. Try.

Stepping onto the mat Noah put on his game face, competitive spirit already coursing through him. He didn’t exactly know what he was gonna win but goddamn if he wasn’t going all out to do so. Snorting slightly at the other man’s sing song as they repositioned their feet, Noah was focused on finding the best moves which meant that for the most part he couldn’t see Winn. But maybe that made things better, and especially when he ended up pretzled across the Twister board full blown ass in the air. Normally he wouldn’t care, but at the same time…. This was definitely newer territory for both he and Winn, as made obvious by the older man’s obvious deflections. “Keep talking about my tight ass and I’ll be sure to fart on you” Noah joked with a chuckle as he angled even closer to Winn. Exploiting a weakness was how he won the last game and Winn would be mistaken if Noah wasn’t going to use his body to his full advantage.

“Not my kink,” Winn mumbled, as he was taken away from Noah’s ass and… being stretched back, fully, palms down in green, feet fully in red. Noah had an easier time of it, given he was facing downward. Hard yoga, but still doable. Winn was super glad he stayed in shape, ‘cause this stretch was rough. But… Well, if Noah was going to play dirty (if gross), Winn could mess with him. That damnable hope was back, and Winn wondered if… if Noah was flustered, or confused, maybe? César had been, and it would be on-brand for Winn to be (romantically) attracted to hapless bisexual disasters and hapless bisexual disasters exclusively. And while Twister wasn’t talkin’, it had its perks. The color moved Winn’s left hand from green to yellow, and back again -- but Noah had decided to fuck with him today, apparently. His hands ended up crossed behind him, and, given he was still bent backwards, it had to look… awkward, from the outside looking in. “Noh,” Winn whispered, jerking his head forward in a tiny nod to his hips, where they bucked as subtly as he could manage. “If you wanted to tie me up, all you had to do was ask.” God, I hope the pack didn’t hear that.

“I’d be alarmed if it was,” Noah shot back with a laugh as they kept up their dance, Noah muscles starting to burn a little from having to keep his weight off the floor in his twisted position. Apparently, he needed to put some more stretching into his workouts, but that was a problem for another day, especially as he saw his opening. Diving forward, Noah took the offensive and claimed the green spot that would be more convenient for Winn, forcing the other man to cross his arms. Glancing backwards at the sad pretzel of a man — who may or may not have just thrust his hips at him? naughty, naughty — Noah just snorted again. “True, but this is definitely more fun.” Yup, definitely more fun, and less… sexy? No, actually, Twister might be making everything more sexy… But that was a crisis for another day. Hopefully.

Winn breathed a sigh of relief as he was given a temporary reprieve from testing the limits of his flexibility. “Don’t think you’ve ever tied anyone up before then, bro.” He laughed weakly. A thin sheen of sweat was obvious on his chest, and arms, and face. Christ, Noah had been smart to stretch a little before starting; Winn had been too, uh, cocky. And, fuck. If he had to stretch like that again, he’d lose. And… well, neither of them knew what they had bet, Winn was sure, but Winn wasn’t about to lose it, lose to Noah. It felt like this was playin’ for more than braggin’ rights and Winn wasn’t sure whether that was real or imagined. But he was a winner. Literally. He was right-side up now, Noah’s back still to him. As the color changed once once, his crossed arms stretched — just barely — to red and yellow. But, because God had a sense of humor or really did hate the gays, now Winn was all up in Noah’s ass again. And then, the hand that had just moved to yellow was told to go to green. Shit. Winn stretched out, trying as hard as possible to reach over without pullin’ his arm out of its socket. ‘Course, then it all went shit-side. “Fuck.”

“Not seriously. Last time I tried, I was the one being tied. Being restrained isn’t really my cup of tea, to be honest,” Noah mused through gritted teeth as they fumbled through another grueling hand position. He didn’t exactly know why he told Winn that, but the smalltalk was better than them silently thrusting parts of their body parts at each other with zero remorse. Or at least zero remorse on Noah’s end, one of his best assets once again in Winn’s face. Grinning to himself, Noah urged his arms to hold his weight as he stretched for what seemed like an impossible color. But of course it was then, as both boys moved that the world decided they were pushing too far, and in a series of unfortunate events, Noah lost his balance and fell. Onto Winn. His lap, specifically. “Shiiittttt,” Noah breathed out as both men crashed to the floor.

[Maybe break it into Part 2 here?]

The world was spinning, and it was silent. Once again, Winn felt like he and Noah were the only two in the world. Even the couple of folks that had been watching their nonsense seemed shocked into silence at this particular turn of events. Winn, breathing hard, let his head fall forward onto Noah’s shoulder. It probably should have been gross, both of them covered in sweat, but Winn didn’t really fuckin’ care. He started laughing, high and delighted and clear, before wrapping his arms around Noah in a tight hug. Through the sweat, Noah smelled good, warm, safe, happy. But, ‘course, it couldn’t last, Winn suddenly hyper aware of Noah’s body against his. Miles’ joking caution was becoming a very real problem, Winn nudging his hips up against Noah as he shifted and mentally cursed the theme of his party with all the venom in his arsenal. “Uh,” he whispered into the other man’s ear, “I don’t have the Full Moon as an excuse this time, but I have a problem. And I’m so, so sorry. Can we, um, chill like this for a sec? Get up together or somethin’? Don’t want to flash the room.”

If Noah was going to fall, he guessed the best way to fall was with Winn. Sitting there, laughing and giggly, on the ground, neither could say they won, but at the same time Noah was so gone right now he didn't really care. Because he was safe here in the sweaty arms of Winn. Even if those arms were attached to a really responsive body. “Wait, are you sporting, again?” Noah huffed, trying to roll over so he was face to face with Winn instead of, well, not. Realizing, though, that that was just going to make everything much, much worse, Noah calmed and stopped squirming, resigning himself to just, well, have a semi hard part of Winn pressed into the lower section of his back. Which if Noah was thinking about it wasn’t actually like totally… weird or, like, completely unwanted now that he was thinking about it... But again. Crisis for another time. Looking up at the ceiling, Noah tried to focus on not making their predicament worse, the only way he knew how. With offensive humor.  “Well, since we’re here for a bit, serious question for you, bub.” He poked the offending arm around his middle, making sure Winn was listening. “Are you, like, a nymphomaniac or something?” Noah turned his head and grinned up at the other man, hoping he could see this was all fun and games. “Cuz it seems like everytime we get close together you get hard.”

This was the nightmare scenario, but Winn couldn’t be assed to give a shit. Noah squirming against his lap felt good, and Winn had to muffle a groan into the skin of Noah’s back. Fortunately, he seemed to understand and stopped. ‘Course, Noah was always a joker, and, as he asked an extremely joking question, Winn felt his entire body flush, stammering out, “I— Uh, I mean.” Noah was joking, Winner. Joking. Calm the fuck down. “Shut up,” he finished, lamely. The embarrassment, at least, was killing his boner. He wasn’t used to feelin’… vulnerable, like this. And though Winn had a pretty thick skin, he knew Noah could ruin him with a word, a look. Realizing that he hadn’t technically answered Noah’s question, and knowing that Noah deserved an answer because this was almost exactly how they’d first spent time together and it couldn’t be written off as base horniness anymore, he sighed against Noah’s ear. “Let’s get out of here, Noh. Meet me outside in five.” He hoisted both of them up, boner subsided enough to not be obvious in the dim lights of the bar. No winner had been declared, but he really didn’t care right now. Noah could have the victory, could have all of him. Fuck. He was really gone, huh? Winn circled the room, picking up his shirt and giving goodbyes, and walked out the door to wait for Noah on the street.

It was safe to say that Noah expected a lot of things from this exchange, but what he really did not expect is for Winn to start stuttering. Looking back at the other man Noah took in the flush splattered across his cheek bones, the way he dodged his artfully dodged his question. If Winn had been a girl Noah would have said he had a crush on him somehow. But Winn wasn’t a girl. Winn was… Wait. Oh Shit. The sudden realization hit Noah like a pile of bricks, flatlining any type of response that he could have had. Because it was obvious wasn’t it? Grabbing his own shirt off the chair he’d placed it on, Noah ran on autopilot, barely remembering the hugs and the goodbyes, his head filled with Winn and Winn only. Slipping out of the door, Noah walked until he found the other man standing under a streetlight, the soft glow making his features stand out even more. This wasn’t the first time Noah had looked at Winn like this, as something more than what they both knew they were, but it was the first time Noah looked at Winn like this. “Soooo, what’s up?” Noah asked gently, sincere brown eyes looking at Winn for the answers.

“Let’s walk,” Winn said back, just as quiet as Noah. His palms were sweaty, like a teenager with their very first crush. If this were casual, Winn would have propositioned Noah, been turned down, and moved on. But he just had to catch feelings. Creed Park was nearby, and Winn plopped down on the ground next to a tree at the edge of the park, the fading light and early summer breeze blowing against them. He patted the spot next to him, looking up at Noah. “C’mon, sit with me.” Winn smiled gently. The Twister game had given him some hope, and he was half-sure that Noah had guessed already, but he had to push forward. “Noah, I think you’re my best friend,” he started, completely ignoring the actual issue. “So, I want you to know. You’re important to me. More important than I really thought would happen when we me— Actually. No. That’s not true.” He laughed, his head thunking against the bark of the tree. “I met you, and I knew. I didn’t know what, but something told me… You were important. Are important.”

Walking along with Winn, Noah could start to feel his heart start to beat rapidly in his chest again. He shouldn’t be nervous, but with all this build up and tension, and that fucking sudden realization that Winn actually liked him, had his head spinning. Because Luke was right, they’d been dancing around each other unable to admit what was truly going on. “Winn,” Noah started taking a deep calming breath, “if you’re gonna say what I think you’re gonna say, just—” He stopped for a moment glancing over at Winn, brown eyes meeting brown “Just say it, please.” It came out softly, part of Noah pleading for Winn just to do it, and another part scared of what it would mean when the giant ass elephant was finally out in the room.

Oh. He does know. Winn’s heart was heavy-light — fluttering and hopeful, but slack and stony. But there was something about Noah’s eyes, the way that the setting sun was shining soft light on both of their bodies. It made Winn bold, giddy, nervous. He was going to die. Or maybe… “Noah,” Winn said, like a revelation. Well, why the fuck not? The werewolf closed the distance between him and his best friend, the person he’d falle— Oh, but, the kiss. Noah’s lips were so, so soft, the slightest hint of chocolate on the man’s breath. When he didn’t get punched or pushed away, Winn brought his hand up to Noah’s face, his other arm tentatively resting at Noah’s side. He wasn’t going to move further, not without Noah’s permission, without Noah kissing back, but he wanted to stay in this moment of pure, crystalline happiness. Winn felt himself smiling into the kiss.

For Noah, everything happened in slow motion, Winn’s face coming forward, their lips meeting in the middle. Kissing Winn was not like any woman he’d ever kissed. Where there usually was softness, Winn was full of edges, sometimes sharp, and sometimes dull. It was scary how much Noah liked it. How much he could now see just how fucking gone he was for this man. There was no doubt about it. Noah wasn’t straight. Noah wasn’t straight, and there was a part of him, however small, that loved Winn. And now that that door was open, there was no closing it. Sitting there trying to hold himself together, with his own arousal and all these other complex feelings overwhelming him Noah just took a deep breath. Neither had moved since this started, but Noah knew they couldn’t just continue without talking about what happened. Winn wasn’t just some quick fuck, and this wasn’t something Noah could bury. “I’ve never kissed a man before, Winn.” Noah trailed off shaking his head slightly. “I mean, judging from this I don’t think I’d be opposed but, I don’t….Fuck…. This is not a good answer is it?” Noah looked down. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Winn by not being able to reciprocate in the way he knew he should. But this was all so difficult and honestly frightening.

If Winn was being honest, the kiss had left him in a bit of a daze. When Noah had kissed back, however briefly the moment had lasted, Winn realized, damnably, that he could kiss Noah for the rest of his fuckin’ life. The gigawatt smile hadn’t left his face, even as Noah started talking about being scared. Winn had been here, before. Not in the same way, no, but he could stow his attraction for a moment, focus on his friend in front of him, nervous and confused, and offer him what he had been given: Support. “That’s alright, Noah,” he started, hand coming to Noah’s shoulder, rubbing the tension out as best he could. “You don’t need a perfect answer. We all have to… figure out shit out, y’know?” He wanted to hug the other man, but knew he should hold off, if only for the moment. “It’s alright to be… however, you’re feeling, right now.” He understood, really, he did. This was far from the worst case scenario he’d run through in his head, far from the worst case probable scenario, too. “I don’t need you to be anything more than you already are, Noh. Because… I really like the person you are. Forgot to say that, ‘cause I figured… actions, y’know?” He laughed, a quiet and private thing, only for Noah’s ears. Winn ran his fingers through the grass at his hips, picking at the blades with his fingers. “I— There’s no one else I’d rather be next to, right now. No matter how you feel about me.” He paused, looking back up and into Noah’s eyes, before saying with a soft smile, “Or… don’t feel.”

“But you deserve a perfect answer” The phrase was out of Noah’s mouth before he could stop himself, before he realized how ridiculous he sounded. Winn was right afterall, he didn't need to have it all figured out today, or tomorrow. He just needed to be himself. “Sorry I’m just-” He started not really knowing what he wanted to say but knowing something needed to be said “I’m used to holding everything together so well, and ever since i met you..” Noah trailed off leaning back against the tree with a sigh. Winn apparently had a whirlwind effect on his life. Watching him be vulnerable though, and supportive, brought Winn into a new light for Noah. One where he could see them, working through all of these  issues together. But first Noah had to be real with himself, and real with Winn, even if it was in his own way. “Well considering I’m having a complete sexual crisis over your dumbass,” Noah huffed playfully “ think it’s safe to say I feel some type of way Winn.” Because yea, how could Winn even begin to fathom that Noah didn’t like him back? Looking over at the other man, Noah stilled his hand with his own, his curiosity making him feel brave “What do you like about me?” He asked gently.

Winn felt himself flush again, and he leaned his head into Noah’s shoulder, groaning. “C’mon, bro. You can’t just say shit like that, and expect me not to feel like this.” To fall in love with you, he didn’t say. Not yet. “I haven’t… felt this way about someone in a really long time, Noh,” he said gently, knowing the other man could hear him. There was something about this, leaned into Noah’s shoulder, that made it easier to say all of this aloud. Noah’s hand on his was warm, and Winn turned his up to grab the man’s hand with his own, rubbing circles once again, tracing nonsense lines to hide his nervousness. For someone who spent half his life dealin’ with others’ emotions, he’d never been amazin’ with his own. “What wouldn’t I like about you?” he said, perhaps a little too honestly. And then, clearer, “You’re not afraid to call me on my shit, but you never stop… caring, when you do. You love animals, and are such a bleedin’ heart that I worry I might have t’patch you up sometimes. You’re smart and a smartass. I laugh when I’m around you more. I feel good, and safe, and… happy.” He took his hand off the man’s shoulder, looking at him again, head cocked. “Don’t get me wrong, I want to do bad things to you, Kalani, but I want to, y’know, do good things to you too. For you.” It wasn’t quite an asking out, but it was as close to a confession as he’d said, so far. Winn squeezed Noah’s hand tight, leaning back against the tree to look at the horizon. “A crisis, huh?” His tone was light, but he wouldn’t dare make fun of Noah for this.

Resting his head against Winn’s own, Noah chuckled at the other man’s discomfort, a genuine smile gracing his lips. He didn't know how they got to this point, but he was glad they had. Feelling his cheeks burn scarlet with the force of Winn’s description, Noah was glad the other man couldn’t see him right now. He’d never had anyone describe their infatuation with him quite like that, and it made him feel, well, seen. He was more than just a nice-looking body to Winn. That felt good. It was then that Winn brought him back to the real problem at hand, the one Noah was still scared to admit out loud. “Yeah,” he whispered, wishing this was easier, wishing he was less confused. Lifting his head from Winn’s, Noah had a sudden realization. “Winn. Can I... uh, do something?” Noah asked a gleam of mischievous energy in his eyes. He was mostly sure by this point, but there was still a part of him that wanted to know concretely, to prove that it wasn’t a fluke somehow. “Promise you’ll enjoy it.”

Winn had Noah blushing at his (genuine, heart-felt) smooth-talking, and he couldn’t help the return of his goofy, open, maybe-a-little-bit-in-love smile. They would be okay, no matter what happened. He knew that. And Winn got an answer — though not all of one — the next time Noah opened his mouth. The whispered ‘Yeah.’ Winn inhaled, sharp and interested. Fuck. That was… a lot to take in. Or would have been, if Winn’s brain hadn’t been immediately guided to the gutter. Do something? He really liked the sound of that. “Oh yeah?” he said, countering the look in Noah’s eyes with a toothy grin, reflecting back the ask, the challenge. Winn leaned back, into Noah’s side, Winn’s body spread out beneath the white ash for any of Noah’s somethings. “Promises, promises,” Winn said with a wink, looking up at the other man. This time, truly, nobody was around. It was just them, and all the time in the world to find answers. Winn leaned up, close to Noah’s ear. “Baby,” he said, a whisper in the wind, Winn tryin’ out the word in his mouth, “I’d enjoy just about anything you did to me. So…” He chuckled, rough, trying to communicate how much he wanted. “Make your move, Kalani.”

If there was a time for Noah to be brave, that time would definitely be now, especially as Winn gave him full permission to explore. Turning his body, Noah gently angled Winn’s face with his hand, looking into his eyes for a brief second before pressing their lips together again. He didn’t know what he wanted, and he didn't know if this was going to answer all the questions swirling in his head, but at the moment Noah didn’t care. Because right now he was kissing Winn, slowly and sensually, using his tongue to explore and open Winn up in ways he hadn’t even thought about till now. He didn’t usually kiss his partners like this. No, Noah was usually more of a fast and hard kind of lover. But with Winn. Goddamn it was just so different with Winn, and while that was scary to realize, it was also something Noah knew he wanted. He wanted a lot as evidenced by the rising tent in his board shorts. Yeah. He was definitely into kissing dudes. Tugging softly on Winn’s lip, Noah opened his eyes and pulled away, lungs suddenly filling with the air he’d forgotten he needed to breath. “Mmm, not your baby,” Noah whispered with a cheeky grin before turning and settling against the tree.

Winn’s eyes crinkled at the edges with his smile as Noah kissed him. Mm. Strike maybe. Winn really could kiss Noah forever. The other man’s mouth moved against his with simultaneous experience and hesitation, something that Winn could lean into easily. Especially when Noah slipped him tongue. Winn kissed back eagerly, trying to balance his need (and fuck, these shorts were going to strain) against wanting this moment to stretch and stretch. As Noah pulled away, gently biting into Winn’s lip, Winn chased him, nipping back playfully. Winn almost wanted to tell Noah it was a wolf thing, that biting was heavily encouraged. But he didn’t want to break the moment, not yet. Instead, he gazed down to where Noah’s interest was making itself known. Huh. Well, one to four wasn’t an awful record. Be plenty of time to even the score. “Hmm.” Feeling bold, Winn grabbed Noah, squeezing once through the shorts before letting go again. “Don’t think bein’ called baby is really goin’ to be a problem, baby,” he teased, savoring Noah’s reaction, drinking in the other man’s presence. He leaned back, side pressed into Noah’s, eyes closed in happiness. “Answer any questions for you, Noh? Or do you need further testin’?”

Snorting, Noah rolled his eyes. Winn’s hand had sent a shockwave straight through his system, blood already pooling in his groin. “Bruh, that’s not helping the predicament,” Noah chided with a snort, not brushing Winn’s hand away but stilling it yet again with his own. Because, yeah. Dick touching was next on the agenda, but he might need a few moments to adjust to that. “I think I’m good, for now,” he started, hoping Winn would get the hint, not that he thought he wouldn’t, it was just. It was different. For once in his life, Noah didn’t want to go zero to sixty and hop in bed with the first person who showed interest. He wanted to savor every interaction, build memories that would last, and all that jazz.  

“Didn’t want to help, bro,” Winn said, a low rumble as he squeezed Noah’s hand in his own, resting both of them on Noah’s thigh. Far away, and so, so close. “I like to make things harder for you.” He mentally high-fived himself for his pun, before smiling at Noah. “I get that,” he said thoughtfully. Winn, again, ran his thumb across the back of Noah’s hand, hoping to communicate so much with that gentle, almost tentative, action. I want this. I want you. I’ll give you whatever you need. Time. Or all of me. The thoughts were big, heavy, and warm in his heart. He wouldn’t dare admit it yet, but he knew how he felt about Noah, how much he felt about Noah. It was his turn to be scared — scared of fucking it up, scared of somehow ruinin’ Noah for other men. If there were other men. (Winn hoped there weren’t other men.) But his fear didn’t last long, as he turned and pressed one more gentle kiss to the corner of Noah’s mouth, all he could think about was how lucky he was, that all this shit had been leadin’ to somethin’, leadin’ to this. He rested his head on Noah’s shoulder, back scratching through the mesh against the bark of the tree, and, softly but with all the sincerity he could muster, Winn said, “Noah…” A soft chuckle, content and affectionate. “This is the part where I ask you to go out with me. Pretty please, sweetheart?” And the nickname tasted like chocolate on his tongue.

[rutilation]

Does mulching a prisoner of war into shiny little woodchips before burying them alive indefinitely count as a violation of the Geneva Conventions?  Asking for a friend.

(Hi guys, I’m back, and I brought 4,400 words with me.)

First of all, my apologies for the nearly five month wait.  Ever since last spring, I haven’t had much time at all to devote to writing and I’ve only been able to work on this essay in small increments.  And yet, despite the fact that I don’t have the time to do so, this essay somehow turned into a bloated treatise on the failings of gem society.  Truly, I am a slave to my obsessions.

I’ve refrained from reading chapter 80 because I just know that if I do, it will insinuate itself into my brain like a tumor and I won’t be able to concentrate on finishing this essay.  (That said, I did happen to see someone on twitter make a joking reference to third impact in regards to said chapter, so I am certainly Afraid.)  Though my takes may be ice cold by this point, I hope that there are some nuggets of insight to be found in this.  With that said, here are my thoughts on chapters 78 and 79.

While the past two chapters have certainly been…hard to read, I think that their contents have been a long time coming, primarily regarding the parallels between Phos and Kongou, and the uglier undercurrents of gem society reaching their logical conclusion.  (And I gotta say, this display of—for lack of a better term—inhumanity on the part of the gems jives quite well with all the Shirley Jackson I’ve been reading lately. When I get tired of one display of flagrant mob violence, I can quickly flip to another.)  

And then there’s the matter of the gems on the moon…  I remember that when I first got into hnk, which was right around the time when Phos and the others left for the moon, everyone was afraid that Phos would go off the deep end and the gems stuck on the moon would end up as collateral damage in Phos’s quest for vengeance.  But since Ichikawa is too powerful us, she said “what if it was the other way around, and Phos is the one getting thrown under the bus while the moon gems start a death cult?”

So there’s a lot to talk about, but let’s address the earth gems first, because these characters sure do live in a society.  (In order to make my prose more tolerable, I encourage my readership to take a shot every time I write the words “gem society.”)

First of all, I’ve seen a number of people interpret Kongou’s line about the gems forgetting Phos very literally, and assume that the earth gems all have Phos-specific amnesia. I highly doubt this is the case, and he probably just means that Phos is now out of sight and out of mind.

As bleak as the situation is, I think it’s been a long time coming.  From the beginning, one of the major philosophical elements of the story has been how the gems’ desire to give meaning to their long lives has compelled them to create a society in which only those with a concrete purpose have value.  The characters see themselves and each other as instrumentally but not inherently valuable.  With so much of the story focused on how this ethos hurts those individuals who aren’t seen as useful, how much it fosters shame and self-hatred, and how much it makes the gems unable and unwilling to help each other through hardship and depression, it makes sense to me that this inhumane mindset would eventually boil over into something truly cruel, and thus the other shoe has finally dropped.  In a strange way, I have more respect for Rutile’s attitude towards the situation than I do the rest of the earth gems (sans Euclase, who I’ll get to in a moment.)  Rutile is treating Phos like an enemy that must be vanquished, whereas the others are treating Phos as a kid treats their dirty clothes when they don’t want to do laundry—by shoving it in the back of a closet and trying to forget about it.  The former strikes me as less dishonest and dehumanizing than the latter.

Even before chapter 79 made it official, I had a gut feeling that the timetable for figuring out what to do with Phos was nonexistent.  I’ll be generous and assume Cinnabar was being sincere in the moment when they implied that they’d put Phos back together eventually.  But just like how everyone ignored Cinnabar’s suffering because there was no compelling incentive to do anything about it, or how they all turned a blind eye to the Kongou/Lunarian situation for millennia, I figured that Phos would end up as another problem they wouldn’t bother solving. (Regarding Cinnabar, while I hope they’re still on good terms with everyone after the time skip, I would not be the least bit surprised if the earth gems started ostracizing them again once it became apparent that there would be no new attacks from the moon and thus no further reason to tolerate their mercury.)

(Bort, please stick up for them.)

And to be clear, this is a problem that the earth gems are refusing to solve in exchange for a short-term sense of security.  If Phos and Kongou had been allowed to hash things out, and this stalemate hadn’t festered for 220 years, then maybe the moon gems wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of starting that aforementioned death cult.  (Tbh, this mostly applies to 84, Yellow, and Dia, since Cairn has been their own personal death cult since chapter 33.)  Even leaving aside how bad things have gotten already, if this state of affairs had continued to drag on, I think the situation would have gotten very ugly the second Aechmea got tired of waiting.  While playing fruit ninja or whatever with Cairngorm, he says something to the effect of losing a battle here or there isn’t important as long as you win the war in the end, which I’m pretty sure is meant to communicate to the audience that Aechmea is playing the long game.  And since he hasn’t done anything in the interim other than reluctantly and incrementally humor Cairngorm’s pet project, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he’s biding his time specifically for Phos, and that he’s counting on them eventually being reawakened.  In that case, what would have happened if Kongou had been too meek to interfere, and the gems succeeded in getting rid of Phos for good?  If Aechmea eventually gave up on his current scheme, scrapped working with Phos, and came up with a new plan, I’m betting things would quickly devolve into heinous war crimes since he’s only played nice so far in order to keep Phos on his side.

In chapter 78, we get to see two instances of the most common nugget of gem wisdom: only act when you’re guaranteed to succeed, and never take risks.  It been a common refrain, with Antarc, and more subtly, Dia being the only gems aside from Phos to push back against that sentiment.  And to be clear, I’m not saying any one of these iterations necessarily are bad advice, but it’s become increasingly obvious that it’s the only acceptable mode of dealing with problems in gem society.  More on that in a minute.

So, uh, regarding Euclase, here’s an exclusive picture of me, after I’d spent months writing: “Gee, this Euclase character seems pretty shady, but I have faith in Cinnabar, Bort, and Jade to act humanely!’

That said, I think I got at least one aspect of their characterization right in my Euclase-focused essay—that they have a greater comprehension of their mortality than most.  Unlike the other gems, they’re not childishly naïve enough to believe that ignoring their problems will save them; they understand that death is always around the corner, and that the (mostly) tranquil life the gems lead requires constant maintenance.  Simply sliding down the path of least resistance will come back to bite them all in the ass later down the line, and Euclase knows it.  That’s probably why they at least went through the motions of asking Kongou to pray every day for two hundred twenty years.

This is a bit of a tangent, but regarding my earlier point about the gems not commiserating at all, Peridot and Sphene come across as anomalies in that they helped each other through their grief over their lost partners, but that doesn’t seem to happen all that often.  As we see in the aftermath of the winter arc, it seemingly did not occur to any of the gems who had lost friends of their own to try and help Phos through their grief.  And I think it’s likely that they weren’t given much comfort in their hours of need either.  Yellow bottled up their grief, Alex and (presumably) Red Beryl threw themselves into their work to the point of obsession, and Ghost seemed to have largely withdrawn from everyone else.  But none of them really healed or helped anyone else heal.  Despite their society placing a high value on interdependence, the gems are truly alone when they have to reckon with complicated or inconvenient emotions.

It may be hard to remember, but Phos was once influenced by all these toxic mindsets as well.  Recall Phos’s conversation with Benito in chapter two: it implies that Cinnabar did live with the other gems during Phos’s lifetime, recently enough that Phos expects to find them in their room.  From this we can infer that our kindhearted Phos never reached out to the clearly lonely Cinnabar while they were actually around, and didn’t even notice when they left the school for good.  They may have had the potential for kindness from a very young age, but it was only when they were hit with with the stark truth of Cinnabar’s suffering that they snapped out of the fog of apathy that seems to surround the gems.

In fact, it almost seems like the struggle to drag the gems kicking and screaming out of their comfort zone is a macrocosm for what Phos had to grow out of at the beginning of the series.  You’ll recall that once upon a time they were lazy, wanted easy solutions to their problems, and had no faith in their ability to effect change.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say that in the eyes of gem society, the problem wasn’t really that Phos was lazy, it’s that their laziness manifested in the wrong ways.  They were supposed to be fastidious and reliable about things like crafting, or fighting, or writing reports, but apathetic towards anything that requires more nuance or imagination than that, kindness or cruelty be damned.

All this is cast into even sharper relief if you think back on the arc with Ventricosus.  She was in far more dire straits than the earth gems are now, and had a compelling incentive to throw Phos under the bus.  But in the end, that wasn’t a line she was willing to cross.  Her final line: “If we’re not willing to change our ways, we’ll end up just like the Lunarians,” seems quite portentous in retrospect.  I don’t think Ichikawa is positing that being immortal makes you a sociopath, otherwise characters like Kongou, Yellow, and Padpa wouldn’t be such cinnamon buns.  But I think she is insinuating that someone who refuses to change is dooming themselves to a state of perpetual immaturity, and that being truly kind requires growing up a bit.  It’s a harder for someone who knows they’ll die one day to remain in a state of arrested development than it is for someone who could indefinitely procrastinate on growing up, and just focus all their mental energy into making paper or whatever for all of eternity.

And this seems as good a point as any to stop harping on gem society and start talking about the gems on the moon, starting with my muse, my most problematic of faves.

I brought up in my chapter 77 essay that Aechmea may not be willing to divulge what he was about to tell Cairn, and that was exactly what happened.  Since he’s only willing to share this mysterious information if he literally would not be around for the fall out, I’m guessing that whatever this secret is, it’s not benign.  And while Cairn has probably put it out of their mind by chapter 79, it’s clear that it’s bugging them before the time skip.  I smell a shocking revelation brewing and I dread to imagine what could possibly top mind-control eyeballs.  Make no mistake, I’ve devoted an embarrassing amount of brainspace the past nine months or so to contemplating what it will look like when the other shoe finally drops for Cairn’s character arc.  (Is there a German word for the ambivalence that arises from wanting to call future plot twists for bragging rights, but not wanting to look like a dipshit if your predictions are wrong?)

Their line from chapter 78 that I alluded to earlier in this essay is rather interesting to me, because although they’re referring to Phos, they might as well be talking about Aechmea.  They exhausted themselves to their breaking point trying to look after someone who didn’t take care of themselves, but they’ve nonetheless latched onto someone who is also seeking self-destruction.  And as I pointed out earlier in this essay, this line also serves as yet another iteration of the defeatist sentiment that the gems often espouse.  But, for a while, it had seemed like Cairn was moving away from that.  The decision Cairn made in chapter 67 was certainly…fraught.  But, one can’t deny that it wasn’t a brave one on their part, to leave behind everything they knew and cared about for a shot at living authentically; the only problem was that they undercut that step forward by returning to their chronic doormat tendencies.  And again in chapter 70, they took a risk by sneaking off to earth knowing that Aechmea would pitch a fit later.  But ever since chapter 75, they’ve been backsliding.  As said chapter pointed out, their wish has shifted from wanting freedom to wanting what amounts to eternal codependency.  I also find it interesting that Cairngorm apparently hasn’t bothered with getting a new name, and is just copying Aechmea’s shtick of going by his title.  They’ve gone from sharing a name with Ghost, to having their own name, to not having a name at all.  In conclusion, my child is a god damned mess.

I know I said I was done talking about gem society, but I guess I’m not.  Going back to what I said in the last paragraph, about Phos not taking care of themselves, that’s been a reoccurring element throughout the series, and in my opinion, it was a significant contributor to the breakdown of Phos’s relationships.  The reason Phos never just tried to make friends with Cinnabar—which is what the latter really wanted, and only focused their efforts on following through on their promise, was because Phos’s self-loathing runs so deep that it doesn’t occur to them that anyone would actually want their company for its own sake. Chapter 14 is the most direct allusion to this in my mind.  Phos clearly wants to talk to Cinnabar, but instead they hide away and mutter that they’d have nothing to say to them.  And as I touched on a moment ago, Phos’s self-destructive tendencies wore down Cairngorm over the course of their partnership.  

But, here’s the thing: Phos’s self-loathing isn’t some immutable part of their nature, it was instilled in them by their society from the moment it became apparent that Phos couldn’t slot neatly into a role.  This is very apparent in the early chapters, in which no one ever misses an opportunity to remind Phos of their uselessness (except Dia, bless their heart.)  Back then, they pretended to not care about it by way of snark and bravado, but in truth, I think it warped their self-perception in an incredibly negative way.  

There’s also something that illustrates this which has been on my mind for a while, but I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about it.  When Phos was trapped by their arms during Antarc’s fateful capture, the insult they yelled at their arms to get them moving is the same one that Bort lobbed at them a few times in volume one.  I usually see different translations of the word between the two scenes, but to my non-Japanese-fluent ears, it sounded like the same word to me when I watched the anime.  It was a striking way of implying that this moment of personal growth had been seeded with something more insidious, that their self-loathing is a taint that has followed them across their many incarnations.  I’m not the first one to point this out, but there’s always been a certain tension within the text regarding Phos’s changes.  On one hand, their courage to change is framed as admirable and heroic, but on the other hand, they’re also hurting themselves because of social pressure to avoid being useless, which is kind of awful.  I think the narrative resolves this tension by making Phos’s quest for validation something which would eventually lead them to try and tear down the status quo that they hurt themselves for in the first place.  

Okay, back to the moon gems.  I’ve reread the part of chapter 79 focused on the moon several times, and it just feels more ominous with each iteration.  What exactly was their idea of administering therapy for Yellow?  Why is Amethyst on board with Cairn’s death bullshit?  Why is Dia okay with it?  Why did they stop fixing the dusted gems?  And most concerning, where are the other three gems—especially Alex who would probably be extremely opposed to halting the gem restoration?  It feels as if there’s something terrible just out of our field of view and chapter 79 is dancing around it.  (But hey, my intuition was wrong about Euclase so maybe when I read chapter 80 Ichikawa will tell me that Alex, Goshe, and Benito were at moon-disneyland the whole time, and that Aechmea is a real swell guy, actually.)

(No, I’m not bitter in the least.)

I also find it interesting that in chapter 79, Cairn is espousing a lot of the same sentiments as poor Yellow, but since they can mask the dysfunction better, they’re treated as an expert rather than a victim.  In reality, both of them are in serious need of a therapist, which is apparently non-existent in the post-post-apocalypse.

And finally, Barbata continues to be the truest audience surrogate.  I find it interesting that he clearly doesn’t approve of all the bullshit going on, while at the same time being too reticent to do anything about it, aside from some side-eyes and passive-aggressive comments.  Perhaps there will be some payoff to this down the line?

At this point, let’s talk about Kongou, because both his actions and his role as a sort of parallel to Phos in the narrative are fascinating.  I think this is the first time in the story that he’s really done something proactive.  I touched on this in a cursory character analysis I did for him, but to reiterate, the impression I got from his at times obtuse and contradictory behavior was that he had completely given up on trying to solve the Lunarian problem long before the series had begun, and that the only thing cutting through his despair and compelling him to get up in the morning and not just “meditate” forever was the prospect of spending a little more time with the people he loves, even knowing that he couldn’t protect them in any way that mattered.  But watching Phos’s struggle reignited a tiny bit of hope in him, enough that he wanted them to succeed in their efforts, but not enough for him to believe that he himself could make a difference.  To me, that seems like the only explanation that accounts for both his obstinacy when Phos directly confronted him along with his casual acceptance of the path Phos has been walking.

So for him to go behind everyone’s back to fix Phos is quite the departure from his usual passivity, and it tells us that he’d rather subject himself and everyone else to Phos’s brand of chaos than endure stasis that comes with their absence.  And it really does seem like the world enters a stasis along with Phos whenever they end up comatose.  Nothing moves forward, and the only thing to mark the passage of time are small deteriorations: Morga and Goshe are captured, and Cairn quietly becomes suicidal, and this time around, Yellow gradually loses their mind, the Admirabilis that Phos tried to spare overcrowd the tiny waterways they were released into, and the gems on the moon stop caring about whether they live or die.

For a while now, various characters both gem and Lunarian have called Phos their hope, or their savior, or some variation thereupon, and with each new iteration, the sentiment feels more and more ironic.  Time and time again, Phos rises to the occasion only to buckle under pressure, their noble intentions haven’t gotten them good results since, like, chapter 10, and everyone who at one point had faith in them is completely done with them.  And at the end of it all, they don’t have it in them to ask Kongou to pray on anyone’s behalf but their own, as if they’ve become so exhausted that they don’t have the energy to be kind anymore.  And just to rub salt in the wound, their ambiguous phrasing makes it unclear whether Phos is asking to Kongou get rid of the Lunarians or themselves.

All of this seems to mirror what Kongou is implied to have gone through.  He was created to save the souls of humanity, but was ill-equipped for the task, and he’s spent god knows how many millennia dogged by his failure to deliver.  Aechmea’s line in chapter 55 about how his human creators didn’t bother to think about what would happen to him after everyone was gone, in my mind, parallels how Phos has been abandoned by the people who once supported them once they became too much of an inconvenience.

So now that these two failed saviors are finally confronting each other with no lies to hide behind, and nothing to get between them, what’s going to happen?  I get the feeling that chapter 80 is going to give us some long awaited catharsis, for better or worse.  (Please Ichikawa, make things a little better for once.)

On a related note, I’m hoping this possible catharsis might clarify something else for me.  For all that the series is steeped in Buddhist symbolism and philosophy, I’ve never been able to tell what Ichikawa actually thinks of Buddhism.  On one hand, the assumptions that life boils down to suffering and that the self is ephemeral and illusory are certainly present, but on the other hand, the characters who lean most heavily on the Buddhist aesthetic are villains, the characters most invested in reaching nirvana are portrayed as…let’s say misguided at best, and as I’ve already noted above, our two would-be Buddhas are chronically ineffectual.  If I had to take a stab at it, I’d guess that the aspect of the philosophy that she takes issue with is the idea of relying on a savior figure and the idea that there exists a nirvana that could save anyone from samsara.  But if the Lunarians’ wish were a complete pipe dream, then Shiro et al wouldn’t have already disappeared?  Unless that was a misdirection and their souls were actually reincarnated?  Idk, I don’t have enough brain cells to parse The Most Viable Interpretation at this juncture in the story.

Lastly, assuming Phos doesn’t ascend to nirvana via pure rage next chapter, I think their next replacement is going to be imminent.  All of Phos’s other changes have been accompanied by death and birth imagery: they lost their legs out at sea, which is where inclusions are said to emerge, they lost their arms and their head at the site of their birth, the time they spent comatose evoked the image of a shrouded corpse in a morgue, their first trip to the moon in which they got their new eye apparently lasted the length of a Buddhist funeral, and now, they’ve literally been buried.  (On a side note, it’s interesting that there’s a lot more death imagery for their later transformations, while their earlier changes alluded to birth.)  I’m not the first person to point this out, but it seems likely to me that Rutile made good on their threat to throw Phos into the ocean, and discarded whatever pieces they were assigned to bury.  And indeed, there seems to be a gaping hole in Phos’s torso.  I still think Padparadscha is the most likely candidate for a replacement—the red stone from the lotus sutra has been alternately described as ruby, carnelian, amber, or coral, and Padparadscha is the closest we have to any of those—but who knows.  Ichikawa might even decide to stop short of all seven treasures in service of some greater thematic purpose.

And with that, this belated essay is finally done.  Except it isn’t.  This is a complete tangent, but I recently looked up the one and only region where gem-quality phosphophyllite was briefly mined, a mountain in the Bolivian Andes called Cerro Rico.  Hundreds of thousands have died there since the 16th century while mining silver, and that figure may be lowballing it, as some scholars think the death toll is actually in the millions.  It is colloquially known as “the Mountain that Eats Men,” and the miners pay tribute to this fellow in hopes of avoiding cave-ins and pockets of toxic gas, but are otherwise doomed to die young from silicosis.  According to a forum post I found belonging to a mineral collector, the mineshaft where all the phosphophyllite came from had to be walled off with a concrete bulkhead because the poisonous gases that accumulated in the tunnel had killed a number of miners.  The idea of gem mining already conjures up images of exploited workers in abject conditions, but I must say that Maneater Mountain exceeded my expectations.

Okay, now I’m actually done.  I’m going to get some sleep on account of the fact that it’s 2 AM, but afterwards I shall read the new chapter and repeat this whole grueling cycle over again, but like, in a timely manner.

[acequisitor]

Obey Me! Review

Gonna get more detailed since it’s not just an app review. If you ever do want to review the game on the App Store: NTT replies in as a character in the game unless it’s a serious issue so keep that in mind. Otherwise, enjoy!

Imma start this off by saying it’s a great game. I personally couldn’t play it when it first released bc I had storage issues but if you have the time and phone storage it’s worth it. I’ll also say if you’re a player who’s looking for only one person’s ‘route’ it’s not for you because it’s a general story, but if you don’t mind that, it’s great to follow along with and just enjoy the moments you get with your fav that they give you.

Characters: Characterisation of these characters are great but at times lackluster. Although every character starts off as one demintional (ie: demon of x) they all get some nice info tagged in by the latest update. There’s literally a character for almost all of your niche needs, wants or desires to just immediately fall for. Trust me. My only qualm of this being with Belphie seeming to get the short end of the stick, especially with his redemption arc kind of being blown over (although he does something VERY questionable, you and him seem buddy buddy the next chapter without it saying how you got there) and practically a bad timeline being forced as your main one? Otherwise, it was nice to get to know them through gameplay and the characters are what drove me to kinda speed run my playthrough to its latest posted stories into the game!

Relationships: On the matter of players who would only want one person’s route, every character kinda gets a chapter devoted to the MCs relationship with them which is nice. Kinda like equal time given to each character, even. My only issue on the relationship issue is if you wanted a nice/fitting ‘ending’ or season ending by the time your character ‘leaves the school’, or you wanted something endgame-ish, you’re gonna feel as fucked as the MC by Lucifer because he’s the only person who’s romance actually escalates in character past a kiss. IMO at least Beel, Asmos (being a legit paragon of lust), or Satan (who specifically says he wants more) could’ve easily been given the same treatment. If you turn Lucifer down and leave it cuts straight to black which is fine but if you choose to kiss him it escalates despite every other sibling having been cockblocked in their attempt to spend more time with the MC after their kiss with her; so, I felt his romance got special treatment in that accord because Lucifer is like ‘the main guy’ or like the guy in a reverse-harem the show is definitely shooting for endgame (he’s like Tamaki) but for an otome game and someone who has Lucifer as last on their sibling tier list it was a slap in the face. There’s confirmed more story coming to the game which is nice, but the way it was left off kinda left a sour taste in my mouth. I’m still 100% into the story, though.

Relationships (mechanic): Each player has an affection level with you. As you choose them to be on your main screen, say something they like in the main story, use the player in battle, or send them to work for your money, you’ll build up a relationship with them. This can unlock phone calls from them or special DM/texts/group texts from them, and honestly that’s about it. It can also help unlock special side stories you get from cards... So yeah. They’re not all too important, but it’s a nice touch. Kinda MM vibes but not quite, you feel me?

My Gameplay Experience: So mechanic wise I grinded 4 1/2 days with the free VIP pass the last 2 and easily got to the end/latest chapters no problem without any purchases - which I note solely for those who feel they don’t want to play bc you can’t experience the main story to the fullest without paying money. If you’re scared you might miss an event, I’ve played almost every free NTT Solmare game to know they always have ‘retuning’ events if they’re focused on another game or have nothing on their schedule. It’s like new events except you start where you left off and can continue to get the other prizes you might’ve missed (besides rank prizes).

Actual Gameplay: Between each episode/book there’s this cute mini game you have to play and win to go onto either the next mini game or story. You get ranked 1-3 and your power in each mini game depends on the cards you put into the battle. A battle which mind you is a dance off! The higher you rank the more points you’ll get to unlock “A, B, C” side stories but they don’t really matter unless you’re a completionist. If you aren’t gonna like the story anywhere, it’ll be with this game and the feeling of needing to grind to rank your cards up. If it’s to any help, I’ve beaten a round with a 10,000 point difference with me at disadvantage but I still won so don’t feel you always need to be at par with the enemy to win. Also glow sticks are your friends. Remember that.

Story progression: Between each lesson or ch (so like a whole ass story line) you need to be a certain level. This either leaves you in a well I’m already at that level nbd or you have to break off and kinda grind for the next level. The break you use to grind to said lv (usually just one level up each time) gave me time to level up my cards so I had no real issue with it. Also gave me time to go do Hard Mode, so no biggie for me personally.

Hard mode: it isn’t something required of you to do, to progress in the story, but it does add side stories to the situation your character is in at that time in the plot that you don’t see otherwise in the main story. For example, there’s a whole side episode where it’s explained Mammon has pacts with these three witches who boss him around while he pampers his credit card. Not plot important, but it’s cute and they can round out a character if you feel the main story lacks it. It also adds a challenge for players who think normal mode was too easy. It can also be hella easy for a Hard Mode for players who do the main plot first and then decide to do Hard Mode. You can easily whip by when you’re 70k+ power level and ch 3 hard mode is like 40k. So if you’re not doing it along with the main story it’s hella easy to just bypass to get to the stories given you got enough stamina.

VIP pass: There’s a free trial of this that’s available that lasts for 7 days and it doubles your experience points (and other bonuses) which makes getting to new chapters easier. Not neccissary, just helpful if you wanted to speedrun the story like I did. If you plan to stick around and pay for it, no judgement but there is a free chance for those who need/want it. It’s also easy to ‘cancel’ the pass immediately after you purchase it in the App Store if you don’t wanna do it bc you’ll forget to unsubscribe and get charged for it.

Overall experience: I’d honestly give it a solid 4.5/5. Out of all the NTT Solmare games I didn’t have to wait for tickets to progress and it was at my own pace. I didn’t need to grind for a ‘fashion level’ or whatever and some cards I got to progress in the story have actual story tied to it which was great (especially considering I got them for free). There’s no ‘pay-for’ currency you need to experience an extra romantic moment and it really let me feel for once in an NTT Solmare game the playing feild in experience a story was fair/even. For an otome game this is a nice balance of gameplay and good story (not necessarily well written but still nice) with a good amount of comedy for me to enjoy. If y’all got any other questions on the game feel free to ask me.

Those who might be sensitive to it or just not enjoy ‘incest’ in this game bc I saw a review very harmed by just the implication of it: My sense of humour being “Step-bro! What are you doing?!” the subtle incest jokes I found hilarious between a bunch of horny demons who’s job it is to be kings of sinning, and your character isn’t actually their sister at all so don’t worry. There’s a chance the MC is a descendant of the brother’s siblings but to every complaint I’ve seen on that on the App Store or Twitter, NTT always notes and comments the story isn’t complete and there’s more to come so I assume it’s not as it seems for those who are like “??? Is this legal???”

[subasekabang]

Long Dream –Live Remix– (A Side)

Title: Long Dream –Live Remix– (A Side)

Rating: T

Word Count: 7598 total, 3758 this chapter

Characters: Coco, Joshua, Neku, Beat, OMC, OFC

Warnings: Major character death

Summary: Her Magnum Opus nears completion, and as her audience approaches, she hurriedly arranges one final rehearsal.  Elaboration on a pet theory of mine, built out of Final Remix spoilers.

Every day streets are crowded with people

Every night streets are jammed with these noises

Things are so strange, are they real or a dream?

Where am I now, trapped in this city of illusion?

***

Neku surveyed his surroundings.  It didn’t take him long to recognize them.

“This is Cat Street…”

“Yo, finally!” Beat said, running a few steps ahead.  “We can get outta Shibuya from here!  I’m so ready to be done with this crappy Game!”

Neku looked up the street, murmuring, “Unless the way ahead has been rearranged too…”

He tensed a bit as Coco stepped up behind him, the tiny Reaper saying, “No worries fam!  See, the way ahead looks, like, totez clear!  That super tough wall you guys just made it past must’ve been the last challenge!”

Neku’s eyes caught on the café just ahead.  Even in this situation, it still sparked a very complicated emotion in his heart.

“Yo, whatchu waitin’ for,” Beat said, “an engaged invitation?  Le’s go, man!”

Beat took off.  Neku followed at a slower pace, saying, “Hold on!  While we’re here, shouldn’t we ask Mr. H what’s going on?”

The other boy skidded to a halt.  “Huh?  You think the H-Man’s gonna tell us anything?”

“He might.  We have time to spare—it can’t hurt to ask.”

Coco made a face as she walked up next to him.  “Uuuuh, source?  That guy, like, oozes bad vibes.  You should totez just finish the Game!  That’s all that matters, yeah?”

Neku shook his head.  “I still want to know what’s going on.  Out of the people who might actually know, Mr. H is the only one with an address.  We might not get another chance.”

The Reaper rolled her eyes and shrugged.  “I mean, I guess, but like, why risk it?  The finish line is literally right in front of y’all—just cross it and end the Game.  Then if you still wanna talk to Coffee Weirdo, just walk right back in and do it then!  It’ll totez be less stressful once we’re off the clock!”

Beat nodded.  “Yeah, man!  We gotta get this over with either way.  Plus we might get an explanation jus’ for winnin’!  We’ll keep the H-Man as a back-up plan, aight?”

Neku crossed his arms.  “I still feel like this would be less risky.”

“Aw c’mon!” Coco said, skipping down the sidewalk.  “You srsly need to chill, Neku!  Let’s just finish the Game already.  Besidez…while we stand here chatting, the other Players are still fighting Noise and stuff.  Like, uh, Shiki?  Do it for her!”

“Right: Shiki and Rhyme is still out there, Phones!” Beat said.  “We gotta end the Game now!”

With a sigh, Neku grumbled, “…Alright, I guess we shouldn’t keep them waiting.  But soon as we’re done, I’m coming back to get answers.”

The three of them ran down Cat Street, with Coco trailing farther and farther behind.  Eventually she came to a stop, and just watched the boys continue with a wide grin on her face.

“Ugh, finally,” she said to herself.  “This pair was WAY more stubborn than the last, 7.8/10 too much effort.”

Neku noticed they had lost her just as he and Beat ran over the city limits.  The next thing he noticed was pain.  Intense, searing pain, like his entire body was on fire.  Judging by the way Beat had toppled over on the ground, the same thing was happening to him.  Neku fell to his knees as the agony worsened.

“What’s…happening…?!”

Coco slowly approached them, taking care to not actually cross the limits.  “This is fine!  All according to keikaku.  Congratz on winning the Reaper’s Game: Expert Mode!  Oh btw, keikaku means plan.”

Beat cried out suddenly.  Black and red flames consumed him, burning brightly for a few seconds before vanishing, leaving not even ashes in their wake.  Neku’s eyes widened in horror.

“What did you do to him?!” Neku demanded.

“Erased him, duh,” Coco said.  “Though technically wasn’t me, actually my baby that did it.”

“What?!”

“He needs loads of food to grow up big and strong.  I’ve tried, like, a gazillion different things, and the Soul of super tough Players like you two is what works the best by far!  ty so much!”

The pain only grew.  Neku screamed, doing all he could to endure it despite knowing he was failing.

Coco put a hand to her ear.  “Mmmm whatcha say?  Couldn’t make that out.”

It wasn’t long before the flames consumed Neku as well, and then he too was gone.  Coco put her hands on her hips and smiled.  The world around her shifted, wavering like a mirage until it all melted into one swirling void of bluish clouds.  Before her spawned a massive creature: a tapir with purple skin and six tusks, yellow tattoo-like protrusions in the shape of flames erupting all across its form.  Its red eyes focused squarely on Coco.

“Yay!  Look at you, you absolute unit!  You’re, like, so strong now you could body anyone!”

Coco threw herself onto the tapir’s trunk, hugging it tightly—the creature gave a guttural rumble in response.  She could sense its power increasing, and giggled happily as she took a step back.  The tapir lowered its head and nudged her gently.

“Okay, okay.”

Reaching up, she scratched the tapir’s trunk.  It tilted its head and squeaked.

“Aw, who’s a good boy?”

Coco hopped up to the top of its head, lying down so she could reach far enough to scratch behind its ear.  The tapir lifted its trunk and trumpeted happily, then floated up and down in place, jostling Coco only the smallest amount.

“Haha, very good, such cute, wow!”

Soon it settled down.  Coco propped up her head with one hand, continuing to slowly pet the tapir with the other, and let out a long sigh.

“Tapez my dude, I’m, like, so glad I have you.  ngl you’re kinda my bff.”

The tapir grunted, swinging its trunk slightly.  Coco swayed along.

“I dunno when it’s going down…but I’mma make sure you get through it.  You’re one of my peeps too now!  So it’s a legit promise!”

Coco extended her pinky.  The tapir inclined its head a little and flexed its claws.

“Oooooh right.  Well, still totez binding lol.”

She pressed her face against the tapir’s skin, letting her eyes close.

“Aaaaaah, we’re almost there, Tapez.  Should just need, like, another few rounds and you’ll be a prime example of the ideal Noise body!  Though tbh if the next pair is as annoying as this one, totez just gonna yeet them straight into your stomach.”

Her phone chimed.  She opened one eye to look at the screen, and then rolled onto her back and groaned loudly, kicking her legs about in frustration.

“Uuuugh for real?  Fine, whatevs.”  She paused to pet the tapir one more time.  “Sorry Tapez, I gotta bounce.  brb and then we’ll go find you some more treats!”

The tapir squeaked a farewell, and then Coco stood up and shut her eyes again.  Focusing her power, she elevated her Vibe and reached out with her mind to feel for the world she wanted to travel to; after so many times, it was easy for her, and in mere seconds she had concrete beneath her feet.  Opening her eyes, Coco looked up at the skyline of Shinjuku and smiled brightly.

I love my city tbh.

***

Feel the people, hear the voices

They are reaching out to catch you

Feel the rhythms, hear the noises

You are beating all the visions

***

Coco moved through the city at a slow pace.  Shinjuku was a travel hub, a place that was purely transient for most: each moment was fleeting, but each brought something new, something different, and that everlasting tumultuous tide of life fascinated Coco in a way nothing ever had before.  Each second was something wholly unique, and she never wanted to miss even one of them.  She spun around on a corner, taking it all in, and just laughed to herself.

“Having fun, Atarashi?”

Her good mood was spoiled instantly.  She grimaced over her shoulder to see Joshua standing there, looking every bit as smug as she remembered him.

“fml what are you even doing here Kiryu?” she asked, turning around and crossing her arms in a huff.  “Can’t you, like, take a hint?”

“Nice to see you too.”  He raised a hand to his chin.  “Hm.  I’m curious: why is it you hold onto your wings even in the RG?”

Gesturing to them, Coco said, “Aesthetic.”

“…And what aesthetic would that be, exactly?”

“fyi I’m headed to a super important meeting rn so unless you’re finally ready to fite me irl then I, like, don’t even want to hear it.”

Joshua chuckled and brushed aside a lock of hair, which only made him seem even more smug and made Coco even angrier.  “Stimulating as that has the potential to be, we’d both be in quite a bit of trouble with the folks upstairs if we were to have a skirmish.”

“Oooooh good point,” she said as she turned away.  “And I bet you’re, like, already in hot water after the way you went off.”

“Nothing to worry about on that front.  I’ve spoken with my Producer and he assures me the matter has been put to bed.  Things in Shibuya will be staying the way they are.”

Coco spun around.  “WTF?!  You two are out of trouble just like that?  I literally have no words!”

“Hm?  Why, I would assume your Producer has been apprised of the details as well.  Has he not passed them along to you yet?”

There was a short delay, and then Coco glanced aside and grumbled, “That must be why he sent me that txt…”

“I take it you’ve been too busy with your side project to stay on top of the paperwork.”

Coco locked eyes with Joshua.  He was still smug, that would never change, but now there was a deadly undercurrent to his words that demanded Coco’s attention.

“tf are you even talking about?” Coco asked.  “You really need to stay in your lane, Kiryu.”

“That’s rich, coming from you.”

“Explain.”

“Well for starters, I know you’ve been poking around my city.”

“omg!  Tourism is a crime now?”

“Considering our circumstances I believe it falls more under ‘corporate espionage’.”

“It’s totez hilair to me that you consider the UG a corporation.”

“Setting that aside for the moment, there’s also the fact that you’ve been shirking your duties as Composer to jaunt off to an alarming number of parallel worlds as of late.”

Coco smirked.  “Aw, u just jelly I can travel between worlds without needing to call an Uber to get back.”

Joshua shrugged.  “I admit, it’s a skill I’ve yet to master—even my alternate selves seem to have difficulty with it.  One came to call on me recently, you know.  Said something about a bizarre Noise erasing two former Players in his world.”

Yawning loudly, Coco said, “Kiryu can I, like, get a tl;dr?”

Joshua’s face began to darken, the undercurrent gradually rising towards the surface.  “Well Atarashi, it certainly sounds like you’ve been attacking alternate Shibuyas.  If so, that’s something I believe qualifies as ‘in my lane’.  Wouldn’t you agree?”

Coco cackled.  “Pffft omg are u srs?  I am DECEASED y’all, the guy who just tried to wipe his whole city is acting protective up in this bitch!  lmaoooooo!”

Joshua stared hard at her.  “Coco, do think for a moment: how do you suppose the Higher Plane would react to this news?”

“What, are you, like, planning to tell them?  If you’ve got some proof then hmu.”

Joshua didn’t answer.

“lol that’s what I thought, smdh you better sit down Kiryu.  Even if I were, like, messing with parallel worlds or whatevs, why would the Higher Plane even care?  Angels from this world have no jurisdiction there.  It’s free real estate.”

Slowly, Joshua nodded.  “…Alright.  Perhaps you have a point.  Let’s leave the Higher Plane out of this hypothetical.  The only one you need to be concerned with…is me.”

The air suddenly felt very heavy.  Coco actually needed to remind herself to breathe, but she made sure her reaction wasn’t obvious.

“So, Atarashi.  Explain to me why you’ve been killing Neku in so many parallel worlds.  And, do try your best to make it a very good explanation.”

Coco brought her hands up to her face, twisting slightly away.  “lololol I’m confused.  Mad cuz I beat your record?  Or want to make sure I don’t off this world’s copy of Edge Head before you can tell him he’s worthy of your grace?  Honestly?  I ship it.”

Joshua paused.  “Neku himself isn’t the issue here.  But if you’re making a move into my territory—“

“Yeah yeah yeah, cuz you care, like, SO much about your territory!  I am SHOOK seeing you come in here acting like the authority on protecting your peeps!  I could learn so much about my job from watching you!”

“I’m feeling a bit of déjà vu.  I could have sworn I’ve already told you that a Composer’s job is simply to judge their people, and that it is only the existence and boundaries of their respective UG that require protection.”

Coco covered her mouth.  “omg!  Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?”  She dropped her hands and stuck out her tongue.  “jk obv you’re full of it.”

“I don’t see why I should need to divulge my motivations to you of all people,” Joshua mumbled, “but if you must know…I was under the impression that Shibuya was not worth keeping around.  Now that I’ve seen it still holds potential, I of course have every intention of preserving the seeds that I’ve sown.”

Coco scowled at him, but didn’t speak at first.  Nearly a minute passed before she said, “Then tbh?   I’m not your enemy.”

Joshua’s eyebrows went up.

“It’s, like, only a matter of time before a new kind of Game starts up Kiryu.  Their Game.  And I’m gonna be mad prepared when it does.  If you had literally a single brain cell you’d totez be doing the same thing.”

By the time she was done, Joshua’s eyes had narrowed down to a suspicious glare.  “Surely you’re not referring to the party I’m assuming?”

“Like, who else?”

Joshua stared down his nose at Coco as he considered his next move.  Coco grunted, drew out her phone, and checked her messages.

“My, you truly are impossible to figure out,” Joshua sighed.

Coco gave her best Clearly Fake Smile and replied, “Because you’re an expert at that lol.  I’m nothing compared to your galaxy brain.”

“I think I could do it if not for that absurd…shall we call it a dialect?”

“Uh, this is how people talk now?  Hello?  If you knew anything about people, then like, you’d already know that, but as always you have 0 friends so buh-bye.”

“…Hm.  And, exactly how many friends do you have, Atarashi?”

Coco frowned.

Joshua turned.  “But, alright.  If this is some plan to deal with the Inferno, then I’ll drop the matter for now.  But, one thing I’d like to make clear before I go.”  He took one last glance back at her, eyes full of ice.  “I will not tolerate any interference in this world’s Shibuya.”

He was off without another word.  Coco suppressed the urge to shudder, turning back to her phone and mumbling half-formed syllables as she made herself look busy.  She looked back up to be sure that he was gone, and then sighed and tucked her phone away, gazing over Shinjuku once more as she waited for the tension to leave her body.  It was immediately replaced by joy.

“omg whoops.  Rōjin is totez still waiting orz.”

***

Is it angels?  Is it devils?

Whispering in my ears

Is it emotions?  Is it illusions?

I need to be with you

***

Coco poked her head through the shrine’s gate.  Looking up the path, she could see a bald, tan-skinned man with a stoic face sitting at the building’s entrance, his eyes already locked onto her.  She flinched.

“Uuuuh what’s up gamers?” she blurted as she stumbled forward.  “I know I’m, like, totez late, but I have a tru legit reason for it, get a load of this!”

The man was Seiji Rōjin, owner of the shrine and also Shinjuku’s Producer.  He offered not a single word as Coco hurriedly explained her encounter with Joshua to him.  When she was done, he nodded and closed his eyes; Coco looked around awkwardly for a few seconds, and then took a seat next to him.

“You must leave your Opus be,” he ultimately said.

Coco started.  “Uh, excuse me?  Abandon all my hard work just because that nerd doesn’t want me near his bf?  I think the heck not!”

Rōjin opened his eyes to look at her.

“…Um?  Something else?”

“The Higher Plane demands a Game.”

Coco blinked.  Then she rolled back, digging her fingers into her scalp and shouting, “AAAAAAARGH, srsly?!  I know I haven’t held a Game in, like, forev, but can’t they just let me handle thingz down here?  Please say sike!”

Rōjin said nothing.  As she accepted the reality of the situation, Coco’s heart sank.

“But…Tapez…”  She groaned.  “…Is, like, a teeny bit of faith in me too much to ask?  They know I’ve got mad skillz!  When you taught me how to make Tapez, you said I was one of only, like, three Composers whomst’ve ever been able to control Magnum Opus Noise—they should be totez impressed with me already!”

“The Higher Plane demands more of your position than mere talent,” Rōjin said.  “It demands discipline.”

Coco pulled herself back into a sitting position.  “I am, like, sooo disciplined!  I legit wanted to tear Kiryu’s face off, but I didn’t!”  She got back on her feet as she went on, “Like, sure, this is about Shinjuku, but the whole reason I’m working on Tapez is so he can protect my peeps!  Making sure he’s bad enough to dunk on anyone is literally The Best Thing I can be doing rn!  The Inferno is out there, you know, somewhere, and we dunno when they’re gonna throw hands!  And now I have to take time out of my counterattack schedule to run some basic-ass Game?”

She whirled back to face Rōjin.  He didn’t say anything.  Coco stared at him for a few moments, realizing she was getting a headache.

“…heck.  We don’t really have much of a choice, do we?  If the Higher Plane wants a Game so bad, then like, we gotta pull together a Game.  Tapez will just have to chill for a week I guess.”

Coco put a hand to her head as she trudged past Rōjin for the door.

“Ugh, lemme see, the Conductor obvs needs to show, and we should probably @ all the Officers too.  idk who’s gonna be the GM this week but they—“

The pain in her head suddenly turned sharp.  She paused mid-step.

“…they…”

Her vision blurred, then went dark.  And then she saw Shinjuku again, but it was…different, somehow.  As if viewed through some sort of filter.  She saw the streets, the people, and then a glowing red symbol up in the sky—and then the streets were empty.  Not a single soul was left in Shinjuku.  No, not quite, next she saw one person: a girl who slowly walked forward with a blank look in her eyes.  The girl stared straight ahead, but couldn’t see Coco.  Still, she opened her mouth to speak.

“All that’s left in the world is me.”

Coco gasped as the shrine came back into focus.  At first she was too surprised to make any sense of the event.  But as she breathed, she processed it, and her eyes shot wide as pure dread came over her.

“Uh…a-ah…I…”

Rōjin stood, watching her with furrowed brow.  Coco’s entire body shook as she turned to face him.

“I…I saw it again…!”

She jumped forward and grabbed Rōjin’s shirt.

“It was the same vision!  You remember, right?  From, like, WAY back when I first asked you about Magnum Opus Noise?  I saw it again!  Shinjuku was erased—it was an Inversion!  I-I…”  She looked down as tears started to form in her eyes.  “I haven’t seen anything since that day…why now?  Is…is the Inferno about to attack Shinjuku?  Is that what this means?!  Are we out of time?!”

She felt a hand on her head.  Looking up, she saw Rōjin staring back at her, his face as calm and stoic as ever.  Coco swallowed hard, and then exhaled slowly.

“R-Right…right.”  She managed a chuckle.  “Like, look at me, crying in the club like a little bitch!  Thanks bunchez, Rōjin.”

She stepped away and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.  Coco found herself looking up at the sky, as if to verify what she had seen hadn’t actually come true…at least, not yet.  The same skyline greeted her.  But this time, she just couldn’t feel happy about it.  This time, it made her feel resolute.  She turned back to Rōjin.

“Sorry fam.  But I, like, can’t just sit on my ass and play a Game rn.  The Higher Plane might not be convinced, but I just know the Inferno’s on their way to end my whole career, and I’m not about to take that.”

Rōjin paused.  Then, with a single nod, he said, “Mood.”

Coco giggled.  “omg, you’re, like, literally the worst!”

She left the shrine and made her way back up the street, thinking, Dunno how much more time I have to beef up Tapez.  My boi’s totez strong, but I can’t be too careful, and probs don’t have much time for last minute boosts.  I need to, like, think of how else I can improve his chances…

Her feet slowed, and she looked back at the shrine.

…Hm.  I wonder what she would think?

Coco crossed her arms.

I mean, she’s gonna be totez disappointed there’s no Game.  But like, she’s still my Conductor, yeah?  If I can’t trust her to back me up, then who can I trust?

She turned and got moving again.

At the v least I gotta ask.  Whatever it takes…my Shinjuku is going to survive.

***

Every day noises are killing these people

Every night noises are waiting for me but

Don’t run away, we’ve got no time left to fear

Where are you now, still it’s showing me illusions