#i literally cannot w these two
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It’s currently two in the morning and i’m thinking about “sleepwalker” Sweetheart. Thinking of them waking up in the middle of the night, in a panic, mumbling about how they had a report due (they did not, and especially not at the ungodly hour they decided to wake up at). They’d start to get out of bed and that’s what would wake Milo. He convinced them that five more minutes in bed with him wouldn’t put them behind any, and that’s how he got them to lay back down and cuddle into him. Sometimes Milo wasn’t fast enough and they’d already be on their feet, but it just meant a tiny bit more effort to get them to come lay back down with him. Like this, he’s able to keep them in place so they don’t get up again. To aid their journey back to sleep, Milo would do one or multiple things to soothe them. This normally included humming some nameless tune, or gently tracing random shapes and lines across their skin, or perhaps he’d go into quiet rambles knowing how much Sweetheart liked hearing his voice, and, if the stealth was putting up a particularly hard fight, he’d go as far as to run a finger down the length of their nose softly. It was never very long before Sweetheart was back asleep, and Milo always felt some sort of pride that he was able to accomplish such a feat. Normally if Sweetheart is up and wanting to do something there was nothing that could stop them. But, over the years, Milo learned their habits inside and out, knowing when to push to get them to take a break and when to just stand back and be a safety net for when if they burn out.
#next i’m gonna ramble about when sweetheart has nightmares just you wait#i’m so in love with this pairing i stg#i’m just so#omg#they’re so in love#i literally cannot w these two#redacted audio#redacted audio milo#redacted audio sweetheart#redacted milo#redacted sweetheart#redacted headcanons
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This time on: "Daughter Impulsively Does a Thing", local catgirl believes she could write a fanfic despite having literally zero experience in the writing department
#*clenches fist* this is so embarassing but i need to remember that i have to things embarassed or else i wont get anywhere 😞😞#and yeagh. the fic was going to be about hettimir because of fucking course it is!?!?!???#SIGGHHH..I ?? I JUST??? auughhfghhgh im really craving some hettimir food but i havent been in the mood to draw them at all lately#<- mostly cuz im procrastinating the idea of even drawing anything but. yknow...#AND IVE BEEN DYYIINNGGGGG TO FIND ANY NEW HETTIMIR FICS SOBSOBSOBSOBSOBSOB#if ur reading this and you've written hettimir before (which im assuminh is a 50/50 since ik some of you do occasionally check my blog)-#just know that you are literally doing the lords service i CANNOT thank you enough ☹️☹️☹️🙏🙏🙏🙏#BUT STILL...... auuuayhfugughhgghghgughghhhhhhh#...so ive decides to take matters into my own hands and be the change i wannt to see in the world 😋#AND WHO KNOWS it might be a nice change of pace from just drawing them#<- theres ljke a 90% chance i wont go through w this but. THE IDEA IS STILL THERE AND I LIKE IT ENOUGH SO#hettimir#i am NOT tagging those two sepperately#delete later(?)
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the thing is, hanma IS a red flag. he WILL do toxic shit. but would he also be the best fuck of your life? absolutely.
#and i know this based on experience 🙏🏻#hes the type to spend the whole night between your legs he will whisper filthy things and mix it w the right amount of praise that has you#writhing underneath him your bodys feeling so hot and you literally cannot even stare him in the eye that type of good#and once hes done going down on you he would make you sit on his lap and fvck you slowly and make sure you two make eyecontact and hed let#his thumb rub your cl!t and then slide his other hand to wrap around your neck#basically all the good stuff#and then he up and leaves like nothing happened and ghosts you for weeks just because he doesn’t feel like hanging out w you anymore#**✿❀talk to moon❀✿**#tokyo revengers#hanma shuji
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Ik two days gone isn't a huge deal to other people but it is to me, since I feel like I woke up in a completely different world. It felt wrong to come back and blog and act like nothing happened, re: current events. I still feel pretty numb and empty about it all, along with many other emotions. I couldn't bring myself to look at any social media bcs it was like rubbing salt in the wound, and it still feels like its take a bit before I'm gonna be able to truly enjoy all the things I enjoy again. I was gonna write some long post about my feelings about it all but, I feel like atp I'd rather just try to indulge in what makes me happy I guess. Thankfully the fomo of not getting to commentate on all the F1 things that have happened have brought me out of the anxious slump I was in(new driver?? GPDA??? Zhou out??? Send me posts???)
On a completely unrelated note. Anyone interested in adoption?
#icl i took a long nap by accident and woke up feeling better#not completely undepressed and unanxious like the nightmare mental state ive had since monday basically#but more at ease i guess#idk ik i don't owe anything to anyone but#it felt weird to reblog anything and not address this#and also its still going to be a while till seeing things about what happened dont make me immensely upset#as i said. salt in the wound.#i know i know two days is nothing in the scheme of things but it is to me#even though i feel like i absolutely have to make this post before i feel comfortable reblogging and indulging#i still feel like people are gonna find this overly dramatic and annoying so. please don't thanks :)#like usually i just doomscroll when im upset but this was just total lack of interest#and anxiety about literally doing anything i like#so to be able to get out of that is good. and i must say it for my own peace of mind#i just cannot engage at all w the news and that kinda thing so its made me really anxious to scroll anything#gah. even thinking about scrolling even just to read about f1 things is making me very anxious#catie.rambling.txt
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your art makes me wanna start testosterone
i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!
i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.
i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)
It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!
It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.
it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.
having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).
i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.
how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)
when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)
it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"
I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.
(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)
(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)
#yamswers#anonymous#dysphoria discussion#q slur — only because i literally use it in the noun form most associated w/ dehumanization#i love that u asked this on a tuesday. thank u for asking this on a tuesday#happy testosterone tuesday to all who celebrate#i also got top surgery a while ago—which is responsible for about 50% of my average suicidal idealizations vanishing#because my chest was my second biggest site of dysphoria after my voice#it was far less painful than i dared imagine. and far more satisfying. i had an excellent and lucky recovery#my results aren't perfect but oh man. the joy of being able to press my hand (flat) to my chest (flat).#the way that a binder mimics the exact squeeze around my lungs that a panic attack stimulates—#not feeling that when i'm out in public? thank you modern medicine. thank you. oh my god. no more false flag panic attacks#i had to fight my insurance for two years and all the health providers i contacted told me the hoops i was being made to jump through#seemed utterly ridiculous. and it was still gobs of money but i got it. so grateful u cannot even imagine#a lot of people describe their feelings post op as “relief—finally i could see myself”#but i experience...more delight than relief. joy. is joy the absence of pain or the presence of happiness? can i tell the difference?#on my worst days i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on
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and now for something stupid
#but really i also just wanted to play around w this sort of coloring style bc its been FOREVER since ive used it#and i think i can make it look better now#AND i think i can make more sillay stuff like this and not have it take as long w cleaning up lines#anyway now you all understand the terrible dynamic between these three#phobo's infodump text is just copypasted from the wikipedia page for knives.#julliet ALSO uses knives is the thing so hes actually mansplaining < JOKE#he just wants to share. even if it gives her a headache. but he wouldnt mansplain he doesnt have it in him. hes ok with felonies tho#but julis life hasnt known peace since she was told to take care of the newbies#and shes ALSO a newbie (just slightly less so) so really this is probably just tartarus hazing her#theyd take one look at the two disorganized unserious overeager newbies and think ''you know what would be fucking hilarious''#and pass them onto the neurotic slightly-less-newbie who takes everything as seriously as possible. disaster combination.#i cannot stress enough that this is a group of bandits and murderers theyre NOT above hazing.#deimos actually is doing the best job at it since he is stealing as we speak#i mean hes not supposed to do it to his teammates but still. on the right track#as for the dynamic between deimos and phobos themselves its like. theyre just bros. theyre both pretty similar in personality#except deimos is kinda more mean and cynical while phobos can be kinda. dense and naive despite literally where hes at in life#but most of the time theyre basically beavis and butthead#i would also like to stress that juli is not being homophobic she just already cannot stand these guys and cant believe the audacity#but. complete misunderstanding. karma for stealing wallets ig#this will never be cleared up by anyone ever#but again thats not their dynamic they are just beavis and butthead. and i guess that makes juli daria LOL#finn's ocs#finn's art
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i honestly think the stress of my job is bad for my health tbh
#txt#negative#today someone came in & started racist hassling the other people just waiting in line#& yesterday i was Also having trouble calming down after work just like i am now bc a different person came in and started losing her shit -#-abt something someone else did#its like customer service but everythings heightened =_=#im gonna wait until the spring and then if im still tense & miserable after my vacation then im gonna quit#SPEAKING OF im. regretting inviting this friend of mine along on this vacation sooooo much. which fucking sucks bc i adore her but like;;;;;#she & i are two vastly different people when it comes to travel like shes way more detail focused & strict than me which i. super -#-appreciated when we went to montreal. but now we're going to asia & she. knows nothing about asia so it feels like she's relying on me to -#-patch the holes in her strict framework which i like. wouldnt be doing at all if it were just me 😀 i am a pathologically chill person when-#-it comes to travel. and now im like. im gonna be away from this stressful job & need everyone with an anxiety disorder to stay minimum 5ft#-away from me until i come back. except i will have one such person right next to me the whole time 😀 WHICH AGAIN SUCKS BC I LOVE HANGING#-OUT W/ HER IN LIKE LITERALLY EVERY OTHER SITUATION. LIKE;; INCLUDING OTHER TRAVEL SITUATIONS#ugh sorry i had to get this out of my system. i think im just sad my Fuck Off To Asia fantasy is becoming less that & more of a chore#shes also gonna be dependent on me for part of the trip bc i speak chinese & she doesnt. which like. i thought would be a necessary -#- unpleasantness for a greater good time when i was thinking to invite her.#i cannot stress enough how this is regret toward myself & not spite toward her.#its like i packed my most beloved tank top to go on a ski trip ya feel
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this is my bi-monthly 'i miss arcane' post hi. i miss arcane. i am not ready for the person ill revert back into when s2 drops
#literally cannot stress this enough#watching arcane changed my life for better and for worse#i identified s o heavily w vi#changed my lockscreen n homescreen#changed my ig theme#changed my icons on a Few diff sites#i went by vi for a WHILE#and it will most likely happen again#which is kinda nerve wracking!#rewatched the show 10+ times and it became a special interest or Very long hyperfix#sometimes its hard for me to differentiate between the two#i think it was also fuel to fire bc my depersonalization was p not great at the time#but IDK im excited for s2! but also very scared god bles#arcane#lol arcane#lol#league of legends
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my whole fyp on tik tok is ab palestine. makes me physically sick to watch it all
#just watched a video of a man keeping two orphan kids company#they’re like toddlers literally#can barely talk#can barely understand what’s happening and what they lost it’s just so#so fucking sick i cannot believe there so many ppl w at least a fraction of a voice and they cannot say one word ab it#instead they’re picking the wrong side it’s so fucked up#just nauseating to watch literal babies be victims of something so disgusting
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ppl when they find out teenagers act like teenagers 😱
#I don't rly want to get into it but I've seen two separate callouts today and#1st was ''this person made a 'not like other girls' meme where the 2 chrcters kissed?? Thts so rude to the person tht made the characters😤#And the othr was ''this 17 yr old is expressing emotions an acting like a teenager?? She even has fictional crushes even tho she's a minor?#Meanwhile the person mad that the teenager has crushes literally posts about being into shotacon and lolicon?? Like.#You can't be consuming sexualized content of minor characters while calling a real minor a horrible person for having a sexuality.#I am. going insane#This isn't like. An official statement about what side I'm on or anything because I don't know any of these ppl involved and idc#But i will say beefing with a child always looks a lil pathetic to me. 'she was mildly rude to me and called an actor hot once' okay????#chill out <3 touch grass <3#I know I made a post about this b4.. smthng smthing adults have to be the responsible party by choosing not to engage in drama w kids#If you really care so much about them being a minor online and whats appropriate for them why are you publicly fighting them#Like. That's not rly appropriate behavior on your part either#Don't take this rant as a sign to drag me in btw I am not affiliated with any party here and I don't care to be#I just cannot believe this fandom continues to produce the dumbest callouts every couple months#//shade
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merry christmas btw i kinda forgot to say it ere at all oopsies >_< i hope you all had/have a wonderful holiday season or week or day or month regardless of your religion and if you celebrate christmas !!!!!
i got 'the end of everything' by katie mack for xmas (i begged my parents lol) bcs i finally saw it in a bookstore after months of looking for it that i just Fell to the ground ..... i love astrophysics i love space i love science. i also love u all
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *��˚#:3 :3 :3 meow#urgh. tired! i wish to ignore my responsibilities but i should not cannot#i actually got genshin again yesterday which sounds unreal. i just want pretty blonde girl navia LMFAOOO#but also i've actually been making progress w quests and shit so yay ^_^ also playing again bcs i lov my friends. nini u will not see this#but ily. also u berry even tho we are on wholly different servers bcs i'm on na haha despite the fact i am literally asian & in asia but ok#i miss ffxiv ... :(( i meant to make my theme vincent valentine and reference hit song valentine by hit band mäneskin#but i was like i do not think i can live long w this. and then thought hard. and then. ryne/gaia... my darlings <3#also idk if i've said but i'm finally. heading and delving more into dnd finally !! tis meant to be lmfao i love my friends wow#and also my dad had his own dnd set back in the day he never used unfortunately and doesnt hav anymore but Yes <333#bg3 ocs are tasty! you have apollo erebus and thanatos there is an obvious theme in names going on!#funny there is one silly bard (my guy ever. obviously) and then the other two are durges on opposite ends#pretty boy draconic sorcerer who tries to be good but honestly he's romancing astarion too so he's kinda Yeah#and then you have than who is. what a pretty enby he/she ladyman! romancing minthara ofc <3 they are my evil girlie#evil girlies more like. Two of them yay!!! w opposite color schemes (quite intentional but also i Just Love Red)#haven't watched pjotvseries bcs i will cry throughout the whole thing (probably not an exaggeration) so i am obviously not ready#yeah. ^_^ <3
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i wake up with them and these on my mind and i’m devastated tbh lmao
#this is vee speaking#i must be going thru something lol i was drawing yesterday and letting bat’s 8th live day two play in the bg#and was nearly brought to tears on several occasions LOL#these can badges circulate to the forefront of my mind every so often and i want to vomit in excitement lmao#truly i have not felt very sane lately LOL#*gently holds these* but i………………….. want them lol#i bet the rhyme anima producers saw how thirsty people got over nanami jjk who has the adult businessman appeal d o w n#and went ‘hey!!!! we have our own older tired adult appeal character that doesn’t look like a drowned cat!!!! let’s do that with him!!!!!’#and this we have the cuntiest hitoya yet LOL#and i hope they continue to go all in on it too lol pan up shots legs spread loosening necktie shots making his vices look Fine LOL#i like jyushi’s badge because it captures his paralysing beauty very well i think 🙂#like i stop breathing whenever i make eye contact with this can badge and i’m not joking lmao#while we’re on the subject of jjk!!!!! the way touji literally gutted gojo that one time is how i feel every time i look at kuukou’s lol!!!!#i wanna cry!!!!!!!!!! he’s so happy!!!!!!!!!!! i’m happy and it’s because he’s unalived me with his smile!!!!!!!!!!!#man october CANNOT come soon enough lol!!!!!!!!!!
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I am so fucking tired I stayed home so I could hopefully nap but I forgot that Doug is a fucking asshole and Rika does not shut up so I’m furious and exhausted I want them to be quiet so fucking bad I’m going to lose it
#📝: misc#Doug is so fucking insufferable anymore. ik it’s cos he’s old but he is an asshole??#we thought cos rika loved Doug that he cared abt her too but we have to keep em separate anymore cos he keeps trying to SIT#on rika’s BROKEN LEG#because of her injury her n mango HAVENT made much progress but Doug deliberately ignores her and he cannot be kenneled#without him literally trying to kill himself#when there’s three of us at home it’s fine even two but handling all three on my own w ~2hr of sleep makes me want to#bash my head against the wall until I fucking die
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Tma au where both Helen and Micheal end up being distortion avatars and are besties. This will objectively make the story significantly worse, but it will make me, personally, happy.
#Does it make sense for the Spiral to be merged with two ppl at the same time when it doesn't want to be? FUCK NO but it makes me :]#I literally cannot stop thinking abt the way they parallel each other while also being very big contrasts#also MICHEAL will be the one to help Helen w the fact she needs to eat ppl now so fuck u Jon
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unless they open a new class time I'm gonna have to take chem 2 online 🥴🥴 evil but I'll do one w lectures and then chem 2 has more walk in tutoring times.
Still annoyed that the geography class I want to take is on Wednesday like I don't want to drive out there for a less than two hour class 😭 in the morning too
#SIGH.#literally they must open a third option for takinh chem 2. like surely theyre not runnjng two total classses only on tth.#chem online im picking one w timed lectures i cannot do this asynchronous stuff i thought i could but no.#to be fair i assumed we had pre recorded lectures. or anything ither than linking two youtube videos and calling it a day#its the same calc proff but she has very good reviews for in persin and absolutely horrible for online. so#im hoping.#at least then i can like. ask her stuff. etc#we will see. annoying yhat i paid the money too for this shit god
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this whole weekend has felt SO off idk whats been in the air these last two days but i would love for it to be monday now thank you!!!!
#my brain is just NOT here. keeps coming and going in waves#genuinely feels like there is something Physically stopping my brain from doing things and its sooo. its SOOO!!HFJHDGHJFDSHJG#like that weight that you can FEEL when youre super depressed#just like that only its in my brain and it wont let me think or focus on something for too long#like can you go away please i have THINGS TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#everything feels off. my interactions w literally everybody the last two days havent felt right#i do Not! feel like im being a regular human person#but also idk how to stop it bc i cannot identify the specific problem#someone take me out back and shoot me please and also thank you
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