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thesilmarillionblog · 2 days

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𝐖𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄 ── Part 2

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: In the hopes that things would improve between you, you choose to lose your virginity to your friend Dean Winchester because you have been in love with him madly for a long time. However, he doesn't feel the same about you.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x F!Reader

Warnings: +18! (Minors DNI),smut, unrequited love, angst, reader gets hurt, arguments, jealousy

Word Count: 5896

A/N: English is not my first language.

Dean hung out on the second floor with his new girlfriend while you and Sam watched TV. There were no audible voices. Well, you couldn't hear anything that far away, at least. You couldn't stop your mind from concentrating on them, even if you didn't want to. Your head hurt from the mix of the TV's sounds and the rain. Actually, the pain was in your soul.

You waited for regret to surface so you could condemn and despise yourself for opening yourself to Dean, your friend. But despite your best efforts, you were unable to sense remorse. You knew that you would do it again if you had a chance, taking back all that happened. How could you refuse him? You wished to memorize every moment of that night by being able to see every expression on his face. It was ridiculous that something so basic could no longer be made possible. The moments you spent with him are now only vague memories in your mind. All you could recall was the touch—his touch. It was still lingering on your skin. That would be enough.

It was clear to you from the way he laughed with her moments ago that the moment you had spent with him days before meant nothing. It was simply another hookup for Dean. Though you didn't think you'd reveal the truth from your side, you wondered what Sam would say about it. Sam was a good man, but you really weren't supposed to reveal to him that you slept with his brother since it would be too embarrassing. Additionally, you had given your virginity to his brother, whom you referred to as a "friend." There was no way you could tell him this.

You couldn't even recall the name of the show that was on TV. From time to time, Sam cracked up at the jokes. At least one person was feeling good. You looked at him attentively and observed that he had his attention on the show while he ate his popcorn.

He turned to face you, seeing your serious expression as he observed how you were reacting to the joke. In your arms, you held a pillow.

He said, “What's that look?”

“Seems like someone is enjoying, huh?”

“Why not? We all deserve a little relaxation after working so hard as hunters, don't you think?” He remarked, grinning, and turned down the TV. The instant the room was silent, you realized how much the noise had hurt your head.

“Like your brother?” Compared to what you had anticipated, you sounded more serious.

“Dean being Dean, you know.” Sam sighed and made a quick statement. Yes, you were aware of it.

“How is your arm, by the way?” you said with a troubled look on your face. You've been feeling terrible for Sam because he kept you protected throughout the hunt and then ended up hurting himself. He was always considerate and cautious of you and Dean. It was in his nature.

Sam smiled reassuringly and said, “It's fine. You know, things go wrong, and as long as you save the day, it's alright to get a little bit hurt.”

Stating, “I didn't want to get distracted that easily. I'm not sure what's wrong with me these days, but I promise I'll get better.” The claim that you were acting in this way without knowing why wasn't true. You were certainly aware of the exact cause of your growing distraction.

If only Sam could read your mind and understand. Otherwise, there was no way for you to tell him straight what happened between you and Dean that night. You had any, yet deep down you needed to talk to someone. But you were very, really embarrassed. It's not like you were teens; you and Dean are grown ups. Reasonable ones, obviously. On the other hand, exposing your situation to him would be the same as declaring your love for him and would reveal your feelings for him.

“Really, Y/N, it's all right. What is done is done.” Sam looked at you, totally shutting off the TV. “Ignore what Dean said. You know how protective he is all the time. If you were the one who was harmed by me, he would say the same things. Though he may have come off as tougher, his intentions were good.”

"I'm afraid that's not true, Sammy. I mean, I know his intentions were good, of course, but I guess I touched his nerves this time for real.”

You attempted a smile, but it did not reach your lips before you realized Sam was trying to soothe you.

Sam replied awkwardly, “He cares way too much about the people he really cares about.” At these meaningless remarks, you both halted for a little period of time. “Well, it wasn't the best way to put it, but you get the idea. You might understand if you were raised by an older brother. He's not a bad person; there are just moments when I don't understand him.”

“Of course not,” you cut him off right away. “You don't even have to say it. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying anything negative about him. I would never.”

“I know, I know...” Sam spoke quickly. “Still, I'm simply advising you not to think too much about what he said previously, all right? We've been hunting for more than a year; it's not that he doesn't like you. Remember that a year ago, it was he who offered the invitation for you to join that team?”

You ultimately nodded as Sam attempted to convince you that Dean didn't mean to hurt you.

“Yes,” you murmured to yourself. “Considering how often you two sustain injuries, a nurse would be beneficial. I wonder if Dean was looking for a nurse for himself and his little brother, or if he was looking for someone with hunting abilities.”

“Let's say you're just talented enough to take a part in that very humble team,” Sam laughed. “And you're being a nurse is just another plus.”

You sighed and then gave him a genuine smile, saying, “Fine, if you say so.” You had finally been somewhat diverted from your thoughts about Dean and his girlfriend by a brief conversation with Sam.

Curious, you said, “How about you and Ruby, by the way? It seems that you two have become a very good couple, haven't you?”

“We're looking for something…to work out. But it's okay for now,” Sam remarked hesitantly. You found it amusing that he was so forthright about everything else than relationships.

“You seem to be very much in love.” Not knowing how to present the matter to Dean without taking any suspicion, you offered an innocent glance to Sam. Sam was smart in every other way. Sometimes he observed and gazed at people as though he could see right through them.

“She's like no one I've ever met,” Sam said timidly. “I think it will take some more time to work it out, but it's fine so far.”

“I'm glad to hear that.”

“How about you?”

You hesitantly replied, “What?” as he sent you one of his suspicious stares.

“I've been thinking about lately and come to know... that it has been a year and I didn't even see you with anyone. That seems a little odd, don't you think?” Sam arched an eyebrow. “Are you not seeing anyone, or are you keeping it as a secret or something?”

You shifted on the seat and hugged the pillow against your arms a bit extra to help you unwind. In the end, he knew nothing about Dean or you. There was no reason to be anxious. It was only chitchat.

“No, of course not!” You stopped him off before he started asking his questions. “It isn't... I'm not interested in anyone right now.”

“Really?” With a look of suspicion, Sam inquired. “We met other men throughout the cases, and they seemed to be interested in you. How can you tell whether you're interested in one of them if you don't give it a shot?”

“Sam, I don't like hookups. Something like that is not what I want.” However, you've turned into Dean's one hookup. The thought briefly ripped through your soul, given how little you've been talking recently, as if there were an unambiguous wall between you that you could not break down no matter how hard you tried.

“That's not what I'm saying. I'm just trying to get the point that you should give people a chance to win you over. How in the world would you know if you liked someone or not without that?”

“I don't want to,” you interrupted, concentrating solely on Dean. It would be simpler to get Sam to understand you if you could tell him how you feel about Dean.

Sam groaned and said, “Fine. It was just an advice.”

“I know, thanks,” you responded, putting on a timid grin. “Will you continue to watch TV for a while? It's growing late.”

Sam said, “I think I will,” as he looked at his watch. “Are you leaving?”

You said quietly, “Yeah,” as you peered out the window to see the weather. It was pouring. You would have hated sunny days even more if you had gotten intimate with Dean on a sunny day. Rainy weather used to be something you enjoyed, but now it just hurt.

“I think it's better if you stay though,” Sam said, taking a deep breath and using one of his fingers to show you the pouring rain. “You're not the best driver.”

With a harsh tone, you said, suddenly tossing the pillow over his face. “Did you just insult me?”

“That's not insulting,” Sam shot it back at you. “I'm just saying that you're no Hamilton.”

You said, “You have no idea,” and you couldn't help but smile as you recalled the day Dean forbade you from driving on rainy days after you nearly had an accident. Dean continued to get anxious when it started to rain while you were driving because of that day. His Baby was more important than anything.

“Will you be watching TV or?” Taking back the remote control, Sam asked.

“No, thanks; enjoy yourself.” Setting the pillow down next to the coach and stretching your arms, you yawned.

You couldn't help but notice the agonizing heavy feeling in your chest as it began to flare up again like tiny needles as you made your way upstairs. Even though you didn't want to hear anything, you were listening for any sounds coming from Dean's room. As you passed, your movements almost seemed to slow down, but you quickly realized what was going on, and you entered the dark room where you would be spending the night, as if your brain didn't want to hear anything.

You had been repeatedly asked to leave the same house by Dean and Sam and start to live with them, but for whatever reason you were unaware of, you had refused. If they repeated the offer, you would most likely take it immediately. God, even if you just lived in the same house, you would probably fall even more in love with Dean. During hunts, it was even sufficient to see him for a few hours. Your heart ached to think about his face, his grin, and every joke he ever told.

Has the night some weeks ago caused you to ruin what you had? You didn't feel any regret, but as you noticed that Dean was becoming more aloof, regret started to consume you.

You'd just gotten out of the shower when your hands found one of Dean's t-shirts. You desired to wear it like you had some weeks prior. Back then, it wasn't a big deal; instead of complaining, he would just make jokes about how little and amusing you looked in them. But things were different today, and you knew it wouldn't be proper to wear it while he had a girlfriend.

If he truly had affections for someone, you didn't want to spoil things for him.

They laughed a little too loudly as you lay down on the bed and pressed his t-shirt against your chest as if it would bring him further closer. Dean's laughter mixed with Jo's. You tried, devastated, to focus on the soothing sounds of the falling rain and on the absurd or hazardous situations that had transpired during the hunts. It was useless.

That was the moment you became aware of how really alone you were. Perhaps Sam was correct about telling you to pursue a romantic connection. However, how could it be possible when you were already deeply in love with someone? Anytime Dean was around, your heart felt like it was going to explode. You had no idea how to handle things like that.

You set his shirt down and let it fall to the ground, acting as if doing so could shield you from the overwhelming feelings that Dean had given you. God, how could you possibly let go of your feelings for him when you couldn't even let go of a single piece of fabric with ease?

You were so miserable and pathetic that you were unable to stop crying this time. You dreamed of something you could never have as the tears flowed down your cheeks and onto the bed. You will always cherish the beautiful memory the night gave you, but at what cost?

You were sobbing, but you weren't sure if it was from the noises Dean and Jo were making or from the dreams that could only have come true in your head.

Your impulse to pick up Dean's t-shirt from the floor gradually vanished as your tears dropped to the bed and the pain consumed your entire being. Until today, you had no idea how much you actually loved him.

“What happened?” With a big smile on her face, Jo placed her fingers around Dean's face and inquired in between laughter. She teased this thick neck with a quick, playful kiss. On his lap, she became still.

Dean's fingers raised her skirt and were ready to push her underwear aside. Jo continued moving on Dean's lap, making herself wetter by rubbing herself over Dean's boxer, her hands lingering on his wide and bare chest with desire.

“Nothing,” a rough-voiced Dean said. From the room where you were staying, he thought he heard something. He had heard you took the upstairs before he'd gone to the bathroom. You most likely made the decision to stay since it was pouring rain outside. You definitely didn't know how to drive in such conditions. He shuddered, remembering when you nearly crushed his baby and sent it to his sweet vehicle burial.

Jo touched Dean's naked chest and paused her palm at his abs, saying, “You seem to be like thinking something else.”

“I wasn't,” Dean lied. It was not significant at all, so there was no need to provide details.

“I was just thinking though,” Jo said, attempting to find the right words to say.

“About?”

“I think we'd be a great team, you know.” With a sly smile, Jo continued to stroke Dean's abs with the tips of her fingers. “As you are aware, Sam, you, and I would make an excellent team since we are now somewhat of a family, since I am also a hunter. Do you not think?”

Dean moved slightly on the bed, thinking of you, irritated at Jo's disregard for you, as if the details weren't even important. You were a member of the team. He was the one who initially made the offer to you in fact. Besides, they weren't even paired up. He said nothing about it so as not to hurt her feelings or make her feel humiliated if she brought it up.

“How about Y/N?” In an attempt to lighten the mood and soften the air, Dean attempted to smile at her, but his smile did not reach his lips.

“She's a nurse,” Jo said, as if it were an insult. Dean felt uncomfortable and uneasy because Jo was attempting to push out the details of what she truly wanted to say about you. Despite her best efforts to seem polite, she came out as cunning and bitter. That was something Dean did not appreciate.

“So?” Dean arched an eyebrow in questioning. “She is the only one still alive due to the terrible things that went wrong; her family was full of hunters just like ours. She doesn't even need to, yet she still has passion. That's very encouraging, in my opinion. I mean, continuing to work in the family business while also doing her professional job responsibilities. That requires guts.”

“Are you defending her?”

“I am,” Dean said in a firm and harsh manner. Jo was still on top of him, trying to get him to say nasty things about you, and he didn't enjoy her attempts at distracting him with handiwork. Dean felt unease and a strong sense of aggressiveness.

He never explicitly expressed his admiration for you for persevering through everything and for having the guts to face your fears. Jo recognized how much he genuinely admired you in his heart when he explained how excellent you were at what you did. Even though you occasionally were easily sidetracked, you were a professional.

Jo sighed, but she didn't give a damn about Dean's opinion of you. In the end, you posed no threat. For nothing at all.

“I don't think your dad raised you and Sam for doing some charity to the orphan hunters and helping them to find a belonging,” Jo said. Although she made an effort not to seem cruel, it was the reality for her. “I am aware of the danger she took for Sam when you all were hunting last time. It is a weakness to be easily sidetracked in this.”

Dean's eyes grew enraged as Jo carried on speaking in a sinuous manner. She was aware of his dislike of others discussing the persons they cared about in this way. Particularly about the people he respected and gave enough thought to.

Dean whispered, “Jo,” but it seemed more like he was threatening her. “Stop this fucking nonsense now. I'm serious.”

“Do you have a soft spot for her or something?” Jo inquired once again. She also bit her lips invitingly while gently raising her skirt to reveal her pussy to Dean's gaze in an attempt to divert his focus elsewhere.

Her eyes were full of promise. In particular, Dean found it amusing when ladies looked at him with such passion.

Dean immediately felt a sense of relaxation as his hands moved to her hips. He sighed and refused to answer. “Are we just going to talk?” he asked. She began removing her clothes rapidly while he licked his lips and observed.

“Hopefully not,” Jo laughed in response. She was relieved that she and Dean had stopped talking about you. “Let our bodies talk in their very own, divine language.”

Dean switched the positions before she could say anything more. Now that he was on top of Jo, he was urgently kissing her while his mind was racing with ideas he wanted to put down for the night.

Dean roughly spread Jo's legs wider and pulled her underwear aside, freeing himself from his boxer. With a single forceful shove that caused them both to moan loudly, he gave his firm cock a few strokes and pushed himself in Jo beforehand. That was an excellent way to get some real comfort now.

Jo hadn't kept it low at all, so Dean put his hands on her mouth to silence her, causing her to sigh into his hands without intending to wake anyone. He picked up his speed and began to push into her rough and fast enough to satisfy both of them, knowing that she enjoyed being fucked raw and fast and that Dean also wanted to find his release.

While he continued to fuck her, Dean warned her to "keep it low," suppressing his own groans.

She was, however, loudly groaning in Dean's hands, locking her legs around his hips, matching his speed as she raised her hips, as if she wanted everyone to know that she was getting fucked by Dean. Dean warned her to turn down the volume once more, but it didn't help.

In an attempt to find his release, Dean thrust into her more quickly, giving the impression that he was being forced to come—as if this were a mission or one of his hunts. He was striving to find his pleasure when he felt nervousness take over his body. He wasn't accustomed to feeling this way, especially around women.

His other hand tightened on Jo's tits, and he ran his fingers through her ass to help himself. His movements were forceful and impatient. All he wanted was for her to be somewhat silent so that he could focus more easily. It wasn't like Dean liked to be all crazy harsh on ladies or anything; he just needed to experience the closeness of a true, sincere touch, which was difficult to find at the moment.

He was on the verge of getting there, but he was unable to seize the ideal moment of pleasure and find relief.

Though it wasn't appropriate to think about it right now, Dean's thoughts began to form around the moment he and you had shared weeks earlier as he continued to stroke his hardness into Jo's warm pussy while muttering under his breath. It was as though his body had a mind of its own and knew when it was best for him to get what he was looking for.

His thoughts were hopelessly consumed by the sensation of your tightness and those moments of adorable small sounds that you attempted to hide from him. Dean attempted to concentrate on the woman who he was actually fucking into, not feeling proud of how he thought about you while he fucked Jo into the covers. Thinking about how he fucked you wasn't fair to no one at all. But his own body, which was attempting to steal what it desired by using Jo's body, was not under his control.

Him fucking Jo was becoming a battle between Dean's body and mind. Pleasure and reason; soul and mind.

Jo began to quiver instead of groan loudly, and as Dean withdrew his fingers from her lips, she cried out, “Will you come inside?”

Dean instantly said, “No,” realizing that he hadn't been wearing a condom throughout his frantic sex with her. “Stay still.”

With a hint of rage, Dean sank his fingers into Jo's flesh and his head into her sweating neck, fiercely shutting his eyes. He was going insane as he struggled with his own thoughts, which were attempting to recall every little detail about your body and how you responded and tightened around his member. He didn't want to go back in time mentally and get pleasure thinking about the night with you while he was inside someone else. It wasn't fair for any.

It was just an impulse decision made in the heat of the moment. Still, Dean's mind continued seeing the body underneath him to be yours, making him picture every single detail of how he took you and how you immediately clenched around him the moment he entered you. He was taken aback by how tight you were; you were like anyone he had ever fucked.

As the fantasies overtook his thoughts, Dean became aware of his surroundings as Jo began to speak dirty to him, telling him how much she enjoyed it when he gave her such an aggressive fuck. Dean wasn't aware of himself till now that he started to fuck into her pussy quicker and harder.

Dean's body tensed as his eyes opened. He was pushing his cock in and out of Jo without intending to get off as he thought about you. He was a little caught by what had transpired in a split second.

Jo gasped and said, “Why did you stop?” To regain his attention, she raised her hips higher.

“Nothing,” Dean said, losing his temper and collapsing to his side as he felt his cock gradually soften.

Jo was bewildered, but she became enraged when Dean abruptly quit fucking her and left her feeling unsatisfied.

She sighed and said, “You want me to get on top?” although she sounded more like she was frustrated.

“No.”

“What the hell is your problem?” she said, nailing Dean's chest. “Come on-”

“I said, 'no.' Alright?” In an attempt to disassociate himself from Jo, Dean stated. Even though he knew it was just about him, he tried to keep his cool down despite feeling like rage was taking him.

When she realized Dean wasn't in the mood and was most likely experiencing some sort of dysfunctional erection, she simply remarked, “Anyways,” without caring about it at all. “I promised to go out with some friends tonight, you know,” she said, putting on her clothes again.

“Alright. It's pouring outside though.”

“Yeah, and?”

With a sigh, Dean said, “Nevermind,” understanding that you were the only on who found driving in such weather difficult.

Dean quickly showered right after Jo departed the house, then jerked off just after he entered the bathroom. Even if things started to seem strange with Jo, his body still wanted some release to ease the tension. He was horny and furious at the same time. Though he was a man of action and he wasn't the biggest fan of taking himself in hand in the shower like a teenager, it worked this time. It felt good enough.

Dean gasped in frustration, picturing your gentle touches and the way he felt within you while he fucked Jo and how he thought about you while. The easiest way for him to regain control of his body was to stop. That was all—him and you were simply pals who took pleasure from each other for one night. You were lovely, so it wasn't that he wouldn't want to fuck you again, but it would just be weird. That was not Dean's type of thing.

With one arm folded behind his head, Dean lay on the bed and tried not to think too much. Perhaps he was simply too exhausted.

Even though you were exhausted, your body woke up in the middle of the night due to a headache and a dry throat. You walked silently downstairs to the kitchen so as not to wake Sam, Dean, or his girlfriend.

You cursed yourself for being so emotional and sensitive, crying your eyes out till you went to sleep. Perhaps you were about to have your monthly period very soon. You were forced to put on your headphones by Dean and his companion in order to block out the noises they created all night.

What a waste, you thought. Believing that once you committed yourself to Dean, things would improve between you two. The situation became worse because of it. There was now such a strong and lengthy barrier between you that, despite your best attempts to remain composed, you were unable to climb it at all without being exhausted. If you were more courageous than this, you would have let everything pass by, turned your back to the team, and concentrated on your actual work.

After turning on the light and rubbing your swollen eyes, you sipped your water and sat down next to the window. You couldn't even get enough sleep, and you had to work all day. You required a long vacation.

As soon as you placed the glass down on the kitchen sink, you turned around and saw Dean staring back at you. He was half nude, wearing just sweatpants; his broad chest was all naked. You jumped and gasped in fear because you didn't hear him approaching.

Dean seemed a little confused for a moment when he saw your ruined hair and swollen eyes, but he said nothing.

He stated, “You're so jumpy,” in a low voice as if another person may hear them.

You paused in front of Dean and said, "I didn't hear you coming," but all you did was stand there and remain still, your heart racing.

Ignoring him and returning to your room was difficult. Though your soul ached and yearned for more time with him, your mind knew that nothing would happen between you.

“Why are you still awake?”

You suddenly snapped, “Why are you questioning me?” but then you added, “I was thirsty.”

He said, “It makes us two,” and grabbed a glass of water for himself.

Can't help but notice how you looked, he remarked, “Your eyes appear somewhat swollen.” He couldn't help making a comment this time, a sense of concern overwhelming him.

Trying to sound convincing enough, you said in a hushed voice, “I just woke up. Couldn’t sleep properly.”

“You're going to work tomorrow, aren't you?” Dean inquired as if attempting to strike up a conversation after such a lengthy period. You haven't been speaking properly recently for the obvious reason.

You answered, “Um, yeah,” and lightly stroked your hand to see whether it hurt. It no longer did. Thank goodness you weren't seriously injured. You've also taken plenty of time off from work. It would be best if you started working right away to take your mind off of Dean and all that was going on. There was a lot to take in.

“But can you work though? Is your hand okay, by the way?”

“Yes, I suppose there's nothing to worry about. It's stopped hurting. Actually, I missed my job. It's been too long since I took a break.”

You took a deep breath and went to head back to your room, saying a quiet, "Good night," but Dean stopped you by grasping your arm after he finished his drink. “Wait,” he quietly whispered.

He released his hold on you and gently caressed your skin in an attempt to apologize for being a little too harsh on you. You turned to face him, perplexed. “Yes?” you said as you awaited his next words.

He seemed unable to find the right words to say, so he said, “Whatever happened during the hunting... It wasn't just your fault.” The moment he brought that case back, your heart pounded.

You took a deep breath to keep yourself from being upset as you thought back to what he had said to you, his hurtful remarks, and how annoyed Dean was as a result of your distraction.

You managed to stutter, “It's okay,” and try to smile sympathetically at him. “You are right in every way. I should have exercised more caution. After all, he's your brother.”

“No, I'm not right about everything.” Dean took a deep breath and held your still-healing hand. “I was responsible as much as you were. After all, I am the team's oldest member.” He attempted to lighten the situation with a smile, but for some reason neither of you felt like it.

Dead had told you, just to your face, that Sam was extremely important to him, as if you had someone in your life to worry about. He hated himself for not being more compassionate after realizing he was simply being harsh.

“It was just... in the heat of the moment,” Dean made an effort to explain his behavior. But the way your eyes met, it seemed like he meant something very different.

“I know."

“I only wanted you to be more cautious; I didn't want to hurt you.” He looked into your reddened eyes and added, “Not just for me or Sam, but especially for your own good,” with such genuineness that it seemed he could see what a wreck you were on the inside. How messy you were.

“You did not hurt me at all. I will proceed with greater caution, as I had said previously.” You let his hands lightly brush across yours. Your heart had melted at such a simple, one-time gesture. Though you knew you couldn't, your body was aching to get closer to him.

He finally released your hand after a little while. However, if he hadn't taken it in the first place, it would have hurt less.

You hoped with all of your heart that this moment in the kitchen with Dean had gone differently. You wanted to be closer, cuddling, laughing, or doing anything else that would be tender and intimate. But you two were farther apart than before. Your eyes would have said everything about how much you wanted him if they could communicate.

“I honestly didn't intend any of the things I said to you before or later. I want you to understand this.”

“I do, Dean.”

Dean said, “I know things are a little awkward between us, but I don't want it to be like this,” before you could say anything more. “I hope that you continue to feel at ease with me. I suppose we haven't discussed it appropriately so far about this.”

Your cheeks suddenly flushed scarlet at the mention of your circumstance, and fear shot through your veins “It's really okay,” you nodded to him and replied in a hurry. “Everything's alright.”

You felt burdened with the thought that he could be concerned that you might tell Jo. Should that be his worry, you might reassure and soothe him. In a whisper, you said, “I wouldn't...tell Jo.”

Dean opened his mouth to say something, then scowled instead. His expression showed signs of uncertainty. Given how often they had been hooking up only, he wasn't really sure if he and Jo were a thing at all.

He felt a little guilty as well as responsible for initiating the kiss that night since he was aware it was him.

“You know, I don't want you to feel awkward. Don't let anything go to waste or let this ruin what we have.”

Your heart raced with hopelessness again as Dean blatantly said that he wanted nothing to change and that you should move on from the past. At this point, you couldn't tell if he was genuinely unaware of your emotions. It was better if he hadn't even opened his mouth in the first place and stayed silent.

Since you believed you were trying your best to keep things calm between you and him and maintain whatever relationship you had with him, you wanted to ask him if there was anything you could have done to make him feel that way about you or did you make him feel uncomfortable around you. It wasn't like you were still holding out hope. You were not anticipating this any longer.

Despite his repeated promises not to hurt you, he continued to do so without even realizing it.

You nodded to him quickly and answered, “Of course, I don't want this either,” with a heavy heart. “I would not want to ruin.”

You gave him a little smile and a mumble of "good night," then turned back toward your room. You would have found the strength to cry a little bit more if your eyes weren't sore from crying so much hours before. But at that moment, all you wanted to do was sleep, without really considering anything.

⋆⋅☆⋆☆⋅⋆───⛥───⋆⋅☆⋅⋆───⛥───⋆⋅☆⋅⋆───⛥───⋆

A/N: Please, let me know what you think about this one. Comments and reblogs are very appreciated! ^^

Taglist: @procrastination20 @faiirynyaa @deangirl96 @steelthespooder @t1asstuff @slut-for-evans-stan @esposamultifandom @rebecca-hvnstn @monkey-d-hoshizora98 @filmologetica @n-o-p-e-never

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166 notes · View notes

snowball-doie · 2 days

Text

| pairing: virgin!sub!Jisung x fangirl!Dom!fem!Reader

| warnings: 18+ MDNI. Corruption kink (ish). Blowjob. He's a lil lost in the sauce.

| wc: 5.5k

| aurora's note: shout out to @floresmu3rtas for being my co-conspirator for this one. pt 2 coming soon on her blog hehehee

| part two (written by @floresmu3rtas) // part three

What an odd turn of events the night of your concert took… On the way to the stadium, you and your friends talked about getting burgers after the show to cure your inevitable post-concert depression, and once you were in bed, you’d sit down in pajamas and go through all of the freebies you guys collected. It sounded like fun. After all, you just spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars going to see NCT Dream live for the first time ever, so why wouldn’t you go early to collect freebies, record all the videos possible, then go home and reflect on the fun night with your friends? But on your way out of the show, you were stopped. A security guard came out from behind the barricade while the crowds slowly shuffled towards the exit, and he approached your friend group directly. He wore all black and a mask to cover his face… It was leagues different from the stadium’s security who wore bright yellow shirts and looked like they wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed instead of having to make sure some idiot fangirls didn’t try to climb onto the stage.

“My boss wants to talk to you,” he said directly to you, unflinching when you were struck with so much confusion that you looked around at your friends for an explanation they couldn’t provide.

“Am I in trouble?” you asked.

“No.”

So, albeit reluctantly, you handed your bag of freebies and your lightstick to your friends before following the man through the hole in the barricade that was covered up by stadium security once you were in, and you were casually led backstage where the staff was working to take down the set in order to transport it to the next tour stop in two days. Every once in a while, the security guard would glance over his shoulder to make sure that you were following him. Of course you were. There were so many staff members running around that you feared getting lost or dragged away in the chaos of it all, so you stuck close to him. When he dove into a side room, you followed. Standing there was a manager you recognized from Twitter posts of the members at airports— He was Jisung’s manager, specifically… And beside him was a woman you didn’t recognize, but she welcomed you with a smile even though the manager and the security guard didn’t.

“Welcome,” she said kindly. Your anxiety was eased by her somewhat. “Sorry for jumping you like this and everything, I know you’re probably confused and a bit scared.” You blushed in response, unsure of what to say. Were you in trouble… Or… “One of our bosses wants to talk to you privately later, but our job is to make sure that you’re okay with talking to him, and that whatever kind of… conversation… happens, that it stays private between the two of you.”

Oh?

She gestured to the manager who put a small stack of papers on the coffee table that sat between you and them. “I’m a lawyer for SM, and this is one of the managers for the group. If you’d like to talk to our boss as much as he’d like to talk to you, we’re here to witness before anything else happens that you sign these papers.”

You stepped forward to find what you already knew in the back of your mind since you were stopped with your friends, yet you refused to admit it until you saw the words “NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT” typed at the top of the document. Fuck. Okay… Sure… It was happening… The unrealistic Y/N type of story you read a million times over on the internet somehow graced your reality, and of all people, it seemed that it was Jisung who wanted to “talk” to you… Fuck. Shit. Okay. Fuck.

“You don’t have to sign, if you don’t want to. I want to make that clear,” the lawyer continued.

“No, I’ll sign,” you replied quickly before your thoughts could catch up to your mouth. You blushed at your eagerness. It seemed a bit pathetic to jump at the opportunity so quickly with little to no information from the other three people standing in the room— And why the hell did Jisung want to “talk” to you? What the fuck was going on!

The lawyer smiled and sat on the couch beside the coffee table, and she gestured for you to join her, so you did. The security guard remained at the door, and the manager sat across from you. “All this legal nonsense basically just states that you can’t tell anyone about what happens tonight between you and any of the members of the group and any staff members, including myself. You can’t record audio or visuals of any situation. You can’t post any details on social media. If you break any of these regulations, then the company has the right to sue you for breach of contract, and there’s usually a fine involved. If any kind of pornography were to be recorded and/or distributed, you’ll be sued by the company for breach of contract and distribution of revenge pornography.” She chuckled nervously to mirror your own reaction, then she put a hand on your shoulder to comfort you. “I know it’s overwhelming. Again, you don’t have to sign, and you’re free to leave at any point. And you should know that if anything illegal happens, you do have the right to go to the police, and you won’t be sued for breach of contract. Okay?”

You nodded vaguely.

“We’ll give you a few minutes to read and decide if you still want to sign. After that, if you sign, we’ll take you to see our boss. If you don’t want to sign, that’s alright too, we’ll just help you find a way home, alright?”

You nodded again.

“Okay.”

She gestured to the security guard and the manager who stepped out of the room while she went to a mini fridge in the corner of the room so that she could grab a soda as she scrolled through her phone, pretending not to hover in order to give you space to make your decision. You’d be stupid not to sign, right? If you were ever allowed to tell your friends— Which, obviously the NDA in front of you was airtight, so you wouldn’t be able to, but… If they knew, and if you didn’t sign, they would slap you silly for fucking up the chance to spend time with Jisung. You had to sign. Of course you did. Right? Shit. Reading the document made it scarier because the whole situation was becoming all too real.

Ah, fuck it.

You picked up the pen next to the papers, and you flipped to the last page to sign. The lawyer immediately looked up and pocketed her phone, striding to return to you so that she could collect the signed papers.

“Alright, I’ll have the security guard outside take you to the hotel the boys are staying at. I’m sure you understand that you’ll be led there discreetly, and once you’re there, you can’t tell anyone about what happens. Yes?”

You nodded again. “Yes.”

“If something happens, though, if you need anything, here’s my number.” She handed you her business card. “And don’t forget, you can always say no… And, um… If you need to leave, you can.”

You stared at her. Was it wrong to sell your life away so carelessly like that? She was distributing her warnings like there was prior experience, and you hoped that it had nothing to do with what you were about to confront. Still, your legs carried you to the door where the security guard was standing, and once the manager in the hallway noticed the signed papers, he walked off to go handle something while the security guard turned to lead you through the corridors of the stadium to the backstage garage. There, a black van was waiting with the engine running. The security guard climbed in, and you followed, then another guard closed the van’s door. With two brief thuds on the backside of the car, the driver started off out of the garage.

The drive to the hotel was a silent one. Neither the driver nor the security guard sitting next to you said anything. While you stared out the window, asking yourself what was going to happen, the security guard texted on his phone. You wondered if it was about work, if he was texting the manager or Jisung about where you were, and that you’d signed the NDA, and that you were shaking with anxiety. How many girls had they done this with? How many different girls had Jisung spotted in the crowd, despite the bright stage lights that made it next to impossible to see anything at all

At the hotel, everything was just as quiet as the car ride, most people already asleep or at least in the comfort of their rooms, save for the one employee at the front desk in the lobby who only greeted you with a smile as you passed by to follow the security guard to the elevator. No one joined you on the way up to the seventh floor. And no one interrupted you as the security card swiped the key to the sixth room and opened the door for you to step inside.

“He’ll be here in about ten minutes.” That was all he said before closing the door on you.

So you waited. Awkwardly. Standing in the middle of the hotel room, the bed a mess from what you assumed had to have been his mid-day nap before the show, his suitcase left open on the luggage rack at the foot of the bed, his toiletries neatly sorted on the bathroom counter. Boredom struck fast, and though you certainly didn’t feel comfortable touching anything, you decided to look around a bit. He used Crest toothpaste, and whitening strips, which shocked you, truth be told. There were a plethora of hair and skin care products that all had Korean labels, so you were unsure what they were all for.

Before you knew it, the front door was opening, and in walked Jisung Park. He hesitated in the doorway, the door still open, the security guard and his manager standing behind him. For a moment, he stared at you in silence. While you were still dressed to the nines for the concert, Jisung was already in a matching set of gray sweats and wearing his glasses instead of contacts. The only remnants from the concert were the sparkly stickers on his cheek and his stage make up.

He turned to whisper something in Korean to the men behind him before he quietly closed the door and stayed with his back turned to you for a minute. You were suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious. There he was, an idol, the idol of your favorite group, and yet you couldn’t seem to jump with excitement because of his mundane reaction to having a woman— A fangirl— waiting for him in his hotel room. Were you not what he wanted? Did he mean for one of your other friends to be pulled out of the crowd?

Then, with swift, quick steps, Jisung walked right past you without a second glance. Maybe he was acting so casual because he was used to it, and it was you who was doing something wrong. Were you supposed to be on the bed already? Or waiting on the couch? Were you supposed to look at him or keep your eyes down? Were you supposed to greet him or was the whole exchange meant to be silent? Maybe he just wanted to fuck you then toss you to the side like idols were rumored to do.

Jisung let out a shaky sigh. He turned to you slowly, finally sending a smile in your direction before bowing at the hip and introducing himself in English… As if he needed to explain to you who he was… Only hours prior you’d been screaming his name at the top of your lungs while fighting to get his attention in the sea of other fangirls. Of course you knew who he fucking was, why else would you have signed that NDA? Still, you did the polite thing by introducing yourself briefly and quietly, unsure if he really cared for your name or not.

He stared at you for another moment. “Do you want anything? Water? Soda? Alcohol? I can order room service.”

You shook your head. “I’m alright, thank you.”

And then he stared at you again. “You’re a fan, yes?” He walked to the mini fridge to pull out a soda. You nodded. “Am I your favorite?”

“Yes.”

He blushed down at the can in his hand while he struggled to open it. You noticed then that his hands were shaking and his foot was tapping against the carpet nervously. He looked almost as anxious as you.

“Sorry, I’ve just... I don’t know what I’m doing. This was a bad idea, I think… Fucking Jeno…”

“Hey, listen, we don’t have to do anything.”

Jisung looked at you suddenly, the panic in his eyes wavering with the little bit of hope provided by your words. “Jjinja?”

“Yeah.”

He exhaled deeply. “I’m sorry about all this.” He set down the soda, abandoning the thought of fighting to open it any longer. “Was, um, was the show fun?”

“My friends and I had a lot of fun. It’s the first time we’ve seen you perform live. Did you have fun?”

“Yes.” His English seemed mildly limited, so he kept his answers brief in order to not embarrass himself, not that you would’ve minded.

Silence lingered again, the two of you unsure of what to do with yourselves. Eventually, Jisung figured it was more comfortable to pass the awkward time by sitting on the couch, his coke defrosting on the table next to him. Did he not like you? Did he not want you? Was he too shy or nice to kick you out? You wished he would just say what was on his mind rather than leave you to fend for yourself, flailing desperately in a situation you had no familiarity with. So in an attempt to figure out what he actually wanted, you poked the bear.

“We could try one thing, if you wanted.”

Like a deer lost in headlights, Jisung continued to stare at you with wide eyes behind his glasses. “Like what?”

“I could give you a blow job.”

He choked on air.

“But if you don’t want to, we can just talk… Or I can leave… Whatever makes you happy.”

“I wouldn’t know,” he muttered under his breath, looking down at his fidgeting hands.

You didn’t really catch what he said. The quiet volume of his scared voice and the broken English made you reconsider if you even heard it at all.

Warily sitting next to him, you pried, “What do you mean?”

Jisung bit his swollen bottom lip. “I’ve never…” And then he rubbed a cool palm on the back of his neck to keep it from turning red with embarrassment, even though it was far too late. “I’ve never, um… Done that.”

For a moment, you wondered if there was a language barrier blocking you from understanding what he really meant. Then he looked at you with those wide, innocent eyes, and you knew the truth. He really hadn’t… Not even a blowjob? Or fingering a girl? Was that why he was so shy with you— Not because you were a fan in his hotel room? You couldn’t help but laugh with relief. Jisung’s face fell and his body slumped with defeat.

“I’m not laughing at you!” you promised through one last giggle. “I thought you just didn’t like me or something.”

He panicked. “No, no! I think you’re really pretty…” He smiled through a blush that made him avert his gaze once more. “Jjinja… Geundae…” The cogs in his brain were working to find the right words in English. “I am… embarrassed… I don’t know what to do.”

“You wouldn’t have to do anything.”

That made him appear more self-conscious.

“I could teach you.”

It looked like he was about to pass out when you said that, endless possibilities forming behind his eyes that were slowly glazing over with lust. His eyes were so cute. When he looked like he was silently pleading for you to do just that, because he couldn’t bring himself to say the words confidently, you just about swooned thanks to the cuteness aggression twisting in your stomach. It was a wonder how a guy like him was a virgin with no experience. Since he was an idol, you just assumed off the bat, and because of the lawyer’s concerning warnings at the stadium, that he’d pulled aside plenty of girls and fucked them into different hotel mattresses then had them escorted out once he was done. But no. It sounded like maybe some of the others were used to that, but not Jisung. His bouncing leg and fidgeting hands over his lap directed your attention down to the erection growing in his sweatpants. Was he really that worked up just at the thought of having a fan blow him off? He should’ve just said so the second he walked through the front door instead of making you think he was regretting asking for you.

Still, you triple checked for consent before daring to touch him. “Do you want to?” It was as simple as you could make the question for him.

“Ne— Yes! Yes…” He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

Finally, with a smile, you inched closer to him on the couch, his body tensing up slightly in response, but he didn’t move or say anything to stop you. You stared at his lips while he stared at your tits. Obviously you’d worn something revealing in the hopes of getting your silly Y/N moment, but it was a pipe dream at the time, and now it was your reality.

“Here.” You took one of his shaky hands from his lap and lifted it to your breasts, guiding him to press his palm over one of them. He let out a shaky breath that made you feel the warmth on the tip of your nose. “Have you ever kissed anyone?” He nodded quickly. “When?”

“In high school… And once at the company… And… on New Year's Eve.”

He remembered all of his kisses? Adorable.

“Kiss me, then.”

Jisung hesitated, his breath still hot on your nose; But with a light squeeze around your covered boob, he leaned in and pressed his plump lips against yours. That was all he did. He pecked you, but he didn’t put effort into making out with you, with or without tongue. Maybe that was all those silly kisses in the past had been. So instead of interrogating him more, you took the lead, showing him how to do it properly by tilting your head the other way then sticking your tongue into his mouth. Jisung moaned followed by another squeeze that made you mewl in response.

It took him a bit to learn. The noticeable hesitancy in his kisses and touches indicated that he was worried about scaring you off at any moment, but you tried your best to encourage him by leaning more into him and squeezing your hand over his so that he would massage your breasts more. Of his own volition, his other hand went to your chest as well. You grinned against his lips before drifting to kiss his sharp jawline that all your friends fawned over in group chats, then you left a trail of kisses down to his neck. You knew that you couldn’t leave any marks. As fun as it would be to leave a hickey there to let the rest of the world know that you were the first person who ever got him off, it would be more of a hassle to cover it with makeup and hide it until the bruising subsided than it was worse. She’d probably get yelled at by his manager or the group’s lawyer. So you refrained from doing everything you wanted…

Instead, you left gentle, fluttering kisses that made Jisung moan up into the still hotel air. He was so sensitive. Had no one kissed the rest of his body before? Had it only been his lips? Surely whoever it was at the company that kissed him— Perhaps another idol— or whichever lucky dunk girl kissed him on New Years thought to kiss his neck and collarbones. How could they not? His skin was so perfect, and the contrast between his natural skin tone and the makeup he was wearing made your head spin. You thought about what he would look like bare faced… Unfortunate that you would never get to see it up close. The best you were ever going to get was him in sweats and stage make up, his erection in full throttle in his pants.

Your hand moved from your own lap to his knee, causing Jisung to jolt slightly and whimper. You turned to kiss the other side of his neck. Jisung’s thumbs tried to stimulate your nipples over your clothes, but there was simply too much fabric in the way, so he whined again and went back to massaging them. However, his movements came to a standstill when you ran your splayed left hand up his thigh before settling directly over his hard-on.

“Ssibal,” he moaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

Your free hand grabbed his chin. “Look at me.” So he did, his eyes glossed over with so much pleasure that he couldn’t open them all the way. When you palmed him briefly, Jisung let out a gasp and hunched forward slightly, his eyes really struggling to stay open for you now. “Does it feel good?”

“Ne.”

As your hand found the drawstring of his sweatpants, you released his chin so that you could slide off the couch and fall to your knees, multitasking between undoing his pants and crawling between his legs that he spread in order to accommodate you while he leaned back against the couch. Jisung watched you studiously. You could tell that behind those glasses of his, he was trying to memorize every detail of you and what you were doing for his spank-bank. The way you looked up at him through your lashes while you expertly untied his pants and helped him lift his hips so that you could pull his sweats down to his ankles. The way you teased him over his boxers for a minute just to get a visceral reaction out of him that made you giggle. The way you took off his underwear so easily. And, of course, what that first touch around his cock felt like.

Jisung’s hands balled into fists around the hem of his sweatshirt. “Fuck—” When your thumb ran over his tip, he shivered and squeezed his thighs together. “Fuck—“

You grinned. Poor thing already couldn’t tell left from right or up from down. Perhaps you could remind him by slowly pumping your fist up and down his length. Jisung wasn’t exactly what you expected. In all the fanfics you’d read about him, and all the times you speculated with friends, you never really stopped to imagine anything beyond his length. People liked to say he had a big cock. He did. Though, much of it had to do with said length you always theorized over, while his girth was just enough to fit in your hand that was wrapped around it. His tip was a dark shade somewhere between brown and pink, and the rest of him was dark and veiny… like his shaking hands.

“You can touch me,” you told him.

His hands remained clasped around the fabric of his sweatshirt. You saw a bit of hesitancy, a twitch like he wanted to touch you, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it for whatever reason, so you continued what you were doing, jerking him off slowly until you saw precum seeping out of his tip. You grinned before licking it up suddenly. Jisung groaned and jerked again, his hands reaching to touch you before they retreated to his sweatshirt again. You watched him through your lashes as you replaced your fist with your mouth wrapped around his tip, your cheeks hollowing before you sunk down. His body couldn’t keep still. Even though you were trapped between his knees, his legs were desperately trying to close in around your shoulders, and his feet were tapping against the carpet at the same fast pace that his long, veiny fingers were fiddling with his sweatshirt.

As you came up for air, your hand pumped him slowly, and you asked with a grin, “Is this okay?”

He nodded desperately. “Please don’t stop.”

You obliged his pathetic plea, your mouth sinking back down, taking in his entire length until your nose bumped his shaved pubic bone. He whimpered like a wounded puppy, but his hips bucked up gently to encourage you to keep going. So you did. You found a steady rhythm switching between sucking him off and jerking him off, making sure to swallow every bit of sticky pre-cum he leaked into your mouth. He was covered in drool, but he didn’t seem to mind since it provided more lubrication for you to go faster and faster, prying the cutest, most pitiful moans you had ever heard in your entire life. Honestly, by the looks and sounds coming from him, he wasn’t going to last much longer. Virgins. They were always the most sensitive and eager to cum quickly.

“Gidarida— Ssibal, I’m cumming, fuck—”

There it was.

Jisung bit his lip and bucked up into your mouth while holding your head down. With his strong hold on you, all you could really do was use your tongue to rub against his cock while he rode out his orgasm. The amount of cum that filled your mouth was slightly surprising— You tried your best to swallow, but you were running out of air, until he finally released you, giving you a chance to lift up and breathe before cleaning up the mess dripping down his length. He slumped with an exhausted grunt.

After catching his breath for a moment, he opened his eyes to look down at you while you were wiping your lips with your thumb. “Are you okay?”

You nodded with a smile. “Yeah.”

“Sorry if I… Um… If you couldn’t breathe…”

You laughed out loud. “I’m fine, I promise. Did it feel good?”

Jisung blushed a bright color of red while nodding. He lifted his hips so that he could put his pants back on before raising his hood over his shaggy black hair.

When he noticed you moving to stand on your feet, Jisung leaned forward to offer his hands for you, which you gladly took, using his strength and leverage to push yourself up; However, once you were up, Jisung didn’t move you to the couch like you wanted, nor did he start leading you towards the front door like you half expected. No, Jisung acted like a gentleman, leading you to the bed where he had you sit down comfortably.

“I have some clean clothes you can wear if you want to be more comfortable,” he offered shyly.

Now it was your turn to stare like a deer lost in headlights. Why was he offering his clothes to you? How could he offer up something like that so freely— Then again, maybe wearing his clothes was more tame than sucking him off after only just meeting him for the first time.

“Sure.”

Jisung turned to his suitcase on the luggage rack and he began digging around for some clothes.

“And I’ll take you up on that water now,” you croaked.

Jisung nodded obediently, rushing to the mini fridge to grab a bottle before handing it to you then going back to looking for clothes. He ended up retrieving one of the merch shirts available at the stadium earlier— One that you actually bought despite your achingly empty wallet— and a pair of gray sweats eerily similar to his. After handing the clothes to you, he whispered something about going to wash his face in the bathroom in the meantime. You watched as Jisung timidly scurried to the bathroom, closing the door behind him, either for his privacy or his own, you weren't too sure, and then you heard the sink running. For a good thirty seconds, you were paralyzed on the bed, holding his clothes in your hands, staring at the couch you’d just given him a blowjob on. Jisung Park had only kissed four people in his lifetime, and you were one of them. Even worse, you were the first and only person to ever suck him off… The first and only person to ever make him cum… What the fuck…

You forced yourself out of your trance of disbelief so that you could change before he was done. You folded your own clothes neatly since you’d probably have to wear them out of the hotel later, but you kept your underwear and bra on for safety purposes. Besides, it was his clothes you were wearing, you felt too awkward to go completely naked underneath. And as you were taking down your hair, you heard the water shut off followed by Jisung asking if he could come out. When you told him it was safe, the door reopened and he stepped out.

He gulped when he saw you. “You really are very pretty.”

To hide your blush, you drank from the water bottle he gave you. Jisung moved across the hotel room, initiating the next segment of the night where he laid on his side in the messy bed, leaving plenty of space for you while he watched you anticipatingly.

“I thought you didn’t want to fuck.”

“I don’t,” he said with the most amount of confidence you’d heard from him all night, even in comparison to when he was on stage. “I just don’t want you to leave yet. Is that okay?”

The way you easily slid into bed, setting the water bottle down on the bedside table, was enough of an answer, but you still entertained him with a quiet, “That’s okay.”

Jisung shifted as you both worked to pull the covers up your torsos to keep warm. “I was going to wear that shirt for sound check tomorrow,” he admitted with a nervous chuckle. “It was the only clean one I had left.” You panicked, immediately sitting up to take it off while apologizing for being an inconvenience, but Jisung reached out to stop you. Both of you paused with his hands on your wrists. “It’s okay. I like seeing you wear it better.”

You looked away from him due to your own self-consciousness as you laid back down with him.

Both of you settled in the bed comfortably, his elbow propped on his pillow so that his hand could hold up his head while he stared at you. Part of you was too overwhelmed to look at him. Mere hours ago you’d been cheering at his concert as a stranger, and now he knew your name, and you’d sucked his cock. You weren’t really strangers anymore. But you weren’t friends or something other than that either. You were just an awkward one night stand that he would remember as “that one time in a hotel on tour” the next time some lucky girl would ask for his history before taking his virginity. Whoever she would be, she was damn lucky, and she didn’t even know it yet… It was a shame it couldn’t be you, honestly. Not because he was an idol you loved, but because he was so adorable, and hot, and well-equiped to fuck you. The idea of teaching him everything there was to know about fucking a girl, corrupting his innocent, bashful mind made you wet, but you had to clench your legs shut to make sure he wouldn’t find out or get suspicious after you’d change out of his clothes. Whenever that would be. Did he expect you to stay the night? Why else would he give you his clothes? What would the morning look like? What would everything after the morning look like?

“Have you ever thought about visiting Korea?”

You shrugged. “Sometimes. I don’t have money like that though. Not yet, at least. Maybe one day I can go— I always wanted to see a concert there.” You giggled at the thought.

Jisung smiled back at you, his hand falling out from under him so that his cheek could hit the pillow while he continued to stare. He didn’t say anything else. You waited for him to instigate another conversation, and you wished that you could think of something to talk to him about aside from idol life or his personal life. You weren’t sure what was appropriate. But by the time you decided to ask him if he had any pets, Jisung was sound asleep next to you, a content smile still plastered to his face. You smirked and brushed his bangs out of his face.

#op #fanfic #jisung #jisung smut #jisung fanfic #nct #nct fanfic #nct smut #nct dream #nct dream smut #nct dream fanfic #leslie

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juustokaku · 3 days

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Confidentiality - Chapter 2. - yandere!ATEEZ OT8 x f!reader

Introduction: Joining a peer support group for mentally ill was a good idea for the last two times you were there. Then it's only natural for the third time to go well too, right?

Pairings: yandere!Hongjoong x reader, yandere!Seonghwa x reader, yandere!Yunho x reader, yandere!Yeosang x reader, yandere!San x reader, yandere!Mingi x reader, yandere!Wooyoung x reader, yandere!Jongho x reader

T/W: This story will include talk about mental health struggles such as body dysmorphia, paranoid thoughts and more. Dark themes are to be expected.

A/N: Big thank you to everyone who read the first chapter and reads this one! This chapter has a lot of focus on Jongho. I'm honestly not happy how this turned out, but I hope at least someone will find it enjoyable! I appreciate feedback, so if the story feels too slow for example, please tell me. Also, don't worry; there will be more about the other members later on in the story! I just don't want to make the pace or character development too fast or overwhelming. Please, forgive me; English isn't my first language.

Word count: 3 477

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Sometimes you really wished you had a car. If you just had the nerves to drive you wouldn’t have to wait for the bus in the icy air.

There was nothing wrong with the waiting itself. At least you usually had time for your own thoughts and breathing to settle down, when you waited for the bus, for your psychiatrist to invite you in, or for work to start. You always arrived to your work place an hour too early to minimize the risk of being late.

So sure, there was nothing wrong with waiting. The problem was that Jongho was standing next to you.

You had wished to not meet anyone from the peer support group before the inevitable. Life was already hard enough, and you didn’t need any more stress by seeing one of the madmen from the group on your free time. Although Jongho was seemingly less insane than Yunho for example, he was in the group for a reason.

You noticed how Jongho’s breathing was much calmer compared to yours. It would have seemed like he wasn’t breathing at all, if the soft fog didn’t form in the air near his mouth. That’s how silent he was.

The little glances you took in his direction weren’t probably as secretive as you thought, but you didn’t care that much at the moment. He looked mesmerizing as the sun was soon to set in the horizon, casting light on his handsome features.

Although he looked irritated that the Sun was shining directly in his face, you didn’t turn to look away. He narrowed his eyes, and you took advantage of the fact that he was blinded by the Sun and its rays reflecting from snow.

“Stop staring at me.”

You turned your gaze away quicker than it was humanly possible. How was Jongho able to see you looking at him? There was no way you could explain your actions without embarrassing yourself even more, so you just hung your head in shame. Maybe it would hide the blush on your cheeks. At least you could lie that it was just the cold air making your cheeks red, if Jongho happened to notice.

It felt like the silence would never end. A few cars passed by occasionally, and you almost wished one of them would have picked you up and saved you from this uncomfortable situation.

Suddenly you felt Jongho moving closer to you. A woman had squeezed in the bus shelter Jongho and you were already in. The small bus stop was getting way too crowded to your liking, although only three people were seeking shelter from the cold under it.

Jongho stood so close to you. You noticed his breath had quickened. His gaze was directed straight forward strictly. Even if you exploded next to him without warning, he probably wouldn’t move his eyes. He was clearly determined not to look at you.

The woman who just arrived could probably sense the awkward atmosphere too.

“Why didn’t you tell your last name?”

You didn’t know whether to be startled by his question, by the fact that he talked or that he even remembered that situation a whole week after it happened.

Jongho wasn’t as suspicious as Yunho but something about him made a shiver run down your spine. Even his way of standing was enough to make you think he was untrustworthy.

But it was possible – unlikely, but possible – that he was nothing more than socially anxious just like you. You knew at some point of your life you would have to trust people. Even the ones you had just met for the first time. Your whole life so far had been wasted by no-one else but yourself, because you were too afraid.

“I’m worried that people will use my personal information against me,” you answered, already preparing yourself to be laughed at.

It was so stupid. But it was inevitable for Jongho and the others to know about your condition and thoughts at some point. There was no use of a peer support group if you never opened up.

Against your expectations, Jongho just nodded thoughtfully.

“I see. It’s true that many people might do exactly that.”

Your eyes widened a bit. Getting confirmation that you were in possible danger was new to you. Your psychiatrist and therapist always told you to believe good about people unless they proved you wrong, but Jongho was telling you otherwise.

“You have to choose wisely who to trust. If anyone.”

“Do you trust anyone?” you asked Jongho before you could stop yourself.

Jongho was able to surprise you many times that day. You had expected him to get irritated by your question, to push you into the snowbank or under a car. Actually no, that was something Yunho would do.

Jongho’s face was stable and emotionless, but his voice betrayed him miraculously during the one word he said.

“No.”

“Can I ask you a question as well?”

“I wish I could say no,” Jongho replied to your nervous question.

You raised a confused brow. It’s not like you were some tyrant, so why didn’t he refuse if he so wanted to? You asked your question anyways.

“Are you going to the same bus as I am?”

“Yes,” Jongho put his hands in his pockets.

Before he could hide them inside the long, beige jacket, you noticed how red they were from the cold. He must have been freezing but played it off cool.

“Do you want my other mitten?” you asked.

Jongho couldn’t hide his surprise, and you were shocked at your own words as well. It was not like you to offer something of your own for a practically stranger to borrow. There was always a risk of him running off with your precious glove. He took a glance at your mittens.

“They’re really warm,” you hoped your attempt to persuade him would turn out successful.

A hint of something soft flashed in Jongho’s eyes before disappearing like it had never been there. He just put his other hand out, gesturing you to give the other mitten to him.

As you gave the glove to him, your fingers brushed against his cold skin.

“How did you know which bus I am taking?” you realized to ask.

There was a possibility that you couldn’t ignore; Jongho could be stalking you. In just a week after the first session, he could have found out everything about you, including what bus you always took!

“You already used your turn to ask a question.”

Why was he avoiding answering? It made you even more suspicious.

You made sure to sit as far away from him as possible on the bus.

When you arrived to the therapy room, you had sincerely hoped you and Jongho would be the first ones there. The thought of someone, especially Yunho, looking at you as you walked in through the door made anxious, acid bubbles pop in your chest.

“Y/N! Sit next to me and San today!” Wooyoung practically ran to you the moment you pushed the heavy door open to enter.

Glancing at San who was sitting on one of the chairs already, you noticed him flash a smile in your direction. It was a bit reserved yet kind unlike Yunho’s almost smothering, intrusive one.

Speaking of Yunho, you felt a tall presence looming behind you. Who else could it be? That rapper “Mingus Dingus” didn’t seem interested in tormenting you, and the others weren’t that tall. You could almost see Yunho’s shadow in front of you as he stood behind you.

“We should keep our original seat arrangements, don’t you think?”

Someone could have mistaken Yunho’s voice as gentle but it had a sprinkle of tension.

You flinched as Yunho put his hand on your shoulder to turn you to look at him. His grip was squeezing you almost like he was trying to control himself.

To Wooyoung and San’s disappointment, you nodded nervously to Yunho’s suggestion. Oh, how you wished you could have run off to hide from him behind San’s muscles, but you didn’t know how he would react to that if he was this irritated already.

“She’s just too afraid to say no to you,” Wooyoung pouted, “And I don’t blame her.”

Apparently, you weren’t the only one to notice Yunho’s scary antics.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” The atmosphere felt suddenly freezing as Yunho’s usually cheerful voice dropped to a low, icy one.

“You’re hogging her all to yourself,” San chimed in.

Everyone in the peer support group had arrived and was watching your conversation intently. Luckily, the realization of that made Yunho back off. With one last glare sent to Wooyoung and San, he retreated back to his chair.

You sat between San and Wooyoung as the session started.

“Let’s start the meeting by telling everyone how we’re feeling right now.”

At Charlotte’s directive, the first turn was given – more like forced on – to Jongho.

“I feel neutral. Too calm, even. My thoughts, goals and wants are clear.”

“Do you think that’s a good thing?” Charlotte inquired.

“No.”

Charlotte looked intrigued by Jongho’s answer but gestured the person next to him to reveal their mood.

Yeosang cleared this throat nervously before speaking, “Nothing that different from the usual. I feel scared. The only thing different is that I feel hopeful.”

“Could you tell us why you’re hopeful?”

“There’s a person I’d like to get to know. But I’m afraid I’ll make a fool out of myself in front of them.”

If you had to choose someone who to trust in the group, it would be Yeosang. He was open about his feelings, which you knew isn’t easy, but seemed like he wouldn’t be dangerous.

You wouldn’t let him fool you into thinking he was completely harmless though. Any of these men could outpower you easily but you wouldn’t let them outsmart you.

“Okay, next is Mingus Ding- I mean Mingi,” Charlotte corrected herself quickly but already managed to earn a few chuckles.

You knew the stage name was silly, but still felt a pang of sympathy in your chest at how embarrassed Mingi looked, when people found the name humorous. It wasn’t an unknown feeling to you to get ridiculed, so you could relate.

“I was feeling pretty excited first but now I’m embarrassed.”

“What made you feel excited?” Charlotte asked curiously.

“I’m releasing a new single tomorrow.”

Wooyoung’s interest piqued, "How many listeners do you have on Spotify?”

Mingi’s face flushed red, “I’m a SoundCloud rapper.”

Yunho pat Mingi on the shoulder comfortingly and started describing his own mood next.

“I feel happy. I had a nice day at work!”

It was hard to figure out what to feel about his revelation. Just a few minutes ago he had been fuming, and now he sat there with his beaming smile. Had his mood really changed that quickly or was he tricking everyone as usual?

“Oh, great! What happened at work?”

“That’s a secret. We have a professional confidentiality agreement at work.”

“Just like here,” Charlotte smiled.

You could barely focus as Seonghwa started talking about his frustrating work day at a game store, because of Yunho looking at you.

Well, at least now you knew that his happy mood had been just a skillful act. His intense stare served as a reminder that you had made the wrong choice to sit next to Wooyoung and San.

“I feel stressed out. There’s still so much I have to do at work,” Hongjoong’s tense voice brought you back down to Earth.

“Did you relax during weekend?”

“No. I worked. I have to keep my company relevant in the eyes of the customers.”

It seemed to you like Hongjoong was some kind of workaholic. You shouldn’t have felt ashamed because workaholism was a real, possibly life-ruining condition, but you couldn’t help the feelings of embarrassment. Hongjoong was so successful while you had your ordinary work and no ambitious goals other than to feel better someday.

It was San’s turn to speak, “I’m sad and insecure. Some people at the gym looked at me weird again.”

You couldn’t understand why someone would look at San weirdly. Sure, you were intimidated by how handsome he was but when he smiled at you today, your heart was about to melt. His eyes were so pretty.

“What do you mean by weird?”

“Like they thought I was scary or would hurt them,” San answered Charlotte.

His sad tone broke your heart. He seemed shameful for making some people afraid of him, but was it really his fault since he didn’t act threateningly?

Before the pause got awkward, you realized it was your turn.

What could you tell? If you spoke the truth and said you were a little scared, would Yunho realize it was thanks to him?

But it was about time to start opening up. All these people were here because of their own problems. All of them had been mentally unwell for years probably, and now focused on only getting better, not planning to murder you. Even Yunho. At least you hoped so, because you were about to reveal your feelings for the first time.

“I’m feeling...” you looked around the room, trying to analyze everyone’s faces but your sight was getting blurry, “scared.”

“And why is that, Y/N?”

“Everything makes me scared. But I recognize it’s just my overthinking. There’s no real threat.”

Convincing others was much easier than convincing yourself. You could see other people nodding in sympathy at your words.

“I don’t think that’s just overthinking,” Jongho suddenly spoke up.

Charlotte turned to look at Jongho with warning eyes. You were already such a mess with your paranoid thoughts that there was no need for Jongho to fuel the fire.

“Everyone is a possible threat. There is possibly one even among us,” he continued.

“Jongho, stop.”

But Jongho didn’t care about Charlotte’s demand.

“Someone who presents themselves as a leader of justice may as well be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

Your heartbeat accelerated by every word Jongho let fall from his lips. Did he know something you didn’t?

Eyeing the room, you could see thoughtful, worried looks on everyone’s face. Everyone, including Yunho himself, knew who Jongho meant by “a leader of justice”. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. Still, no-one dared to speak. An unwritten agreement of silence hung thick in the air, crushing you under its weight.

“Let’s move on to the next section,” Charlotte informed after a few moments.

“No! I haven’t had my turn yet,” Wooyoung whined, and for a good reason.

Soon enough, Wooyoung was describing his mood and past week, paying attention to the important details like what color the car that passed by was and how long he brushed his teeth.

The story continued for many minutes, and you were sure you’d be listening to him talk for the rest of eternity. Wooyoung’s next comment suddenly woke you up from your slumber.

“I also saw you, Y/N. You were so beautiful on your evening walk.”

A bit creepy, to be honest, but his intention was probably just to be sweet. You gave him a sheepish smile in response.

“Oh! I almost forgot to mention; someone was following you.”

Your smile dropped as you heard Wooyoung’s words. Feeling like you were being watched had always been a thing you suffered from, but that was just work of your “wild imagination” based on what your psychiatrist always told you. But despite all the medication he had prescribed you, the feeling had stayed.

Maybe you weren’t as crazy as you had thought.

“Oh, come on. Don’t scare Y/N like that,” Charlotte scolded Wooyoung.

“But it’s true!”

“Stop. We are moving on to the next section.”

You had never seen Charlotte so tense. But she masked her frustration well and changed the topic skillfully, like she had probably had to do many times before with difficult patients.

You couldn’t stop thinking about Wooyoung’s revelation during the other section as well. Yeosang was your partner in the next section, but your focus was completely on different things while he was talking.

“A-Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” Yeosang’s sad voice finally pulled you back from your anxious thoughts.

An instant regretful feeling filled you, and you hurried to apologize, “I’m so sorry, Yeosang. I’m... still thinking about the fact that someone had been following me.”

Yeosang’s body seemed to relax a bit, but his hands were still wrapped around his stomach as usual. He stole a glance at your face before staring at his shoes again.

“Okay, I understand. I would be worried too. Well, I am worried for you as well. It’s not like I don’t care about your well-being. I mean, I’m not in love with you! But people can still care although they don’t love each other, you know? But that’s not to say I would never be able to love you. I think you’re lovable. Everyone is. Well, maybe not everyone, but you definitely are!”

Wow. You did not expect that logorrhea to escape his pretty lips.

Your shock was clearly evident because Yeosang hid his face immediately and murmured almost inaudibly, “I’m sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?”

It was official. Yeosang was the one you trusted the most. Even his rambling had been cute, but his sincere, caring apology made your heart ache in a way that wasn’t sadness.

You were surprised by your own attitude as well. It wasn’t like you to consider trusting someone after a second meeting. Although you’d be careful, you felt more at ease with Yeosang’s presence already.

“No worries. I think it was funny – in a good way.”

Yeosang smiled shyly in response and even managed to meet your eyes for a split second.

You two continued chatting away, at least tried to, although it was hard with both of you being so shy. Despite the moments of silence, you didn’t feel awkward. Anxious, yes, but that was because you genuinely hoped for your potential friendship to bloom. The instant connection between you two was as clear as day.

Sadly, everyone did not appreciate the fact that Yeosang had gotten closer to you than anyone had so far.

The house was starting to get void of people after the session finally ended. Your boots and jacket were on, your hand on the doorknob, ready to open the front door and freeze in the breeze of a winter night.

“There you are. I thought Yeosang had snatched you away.”

You turned around to see Jongho standing at the top of a staircase. His face wasn’t visible due to the low lighting in the room, but you recognized his stable voice.

“I’ve been waiting to get you alone,” he started descending the stairs by taking one step down.

“Why?”

Your ever so slightly trembling voice didn’t faze Jongho.

The stairs creaked a little as he took two steps down, “Do I make you nervous?”

“A little, to be honest...”

Jongho didn’t answer you. Only after he had taken three steps down, you gathered the courage to repeat your question.

“Why did you want to get me alone?”

“Make a guess.”

It wasn’t that you couldn’t come up with any reasons. You just couldn’t make any sense of the mess inside your head.

You saw Jongho taking more and more steps, getting closer. Like frozen in place, you could just watch him approach you. His blank expression left you clueless, having no idea what he could possibly want from you.

And soon enough, Jongho stood in front of you, looking in your eyes. You had felt much more comfortable with Yeosang’s avoiding eyes than the intense yet emotionless gaze Jongho was forcing on you.

The room was dimly lit and the lights formed shadows on his face. Earlier today, you had seen him at the bus stop with the sunlight shining on his face. It had been a beautiful sight. Now, the light was completely different. It was artificial, and although warm, it made Jongho look like a different person.

He reached for your hand before you could flinch away, and placed something in it.

It was the mitten you had lent him.

“Next time, sit beside me,” he said.

You were left alone, standing like a fool, as Jongho disappeared into the night. Millions of thoughts raced in your head, but eventually you pulled the mittens in your hands.

Just as you slipped your hand inside the warm mitten Jongho had given back to you, something fell out of it.

Your winter jacket rustled quietly as you reached down and picked up the object from the floor.

It was a small piece of paper. There was a handwritten sentence on it.

“You’re not as observant as you think you are.”

<- Chapter 1.

Chapter 3. ->

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bloodsalted · 2 days

Text

lil update. some medical stuff, just so ya know! (long winded. sorry!)

// soooo. now that everything is settled and fine. i just wanted to pop a message up to say thanks to everyone for being so patient with me this past month. i had a pretty big health scare that i didn't really talk about unless it was privately to a handful of people. i'm talking about four. and barely anyone offline. most of which happened about a week before the final test because i don't like people worrying about me. it was the kind where a biopsy is done and all that jazz. waiting from one test to another and the results was a mental mind fuck to put it bluntly. with my ocd and anxiety/panic disorder being triggered mainly by my health? uh. it was a wild ride. i was up and down in my moods and carrying on as normally as possible but my brain was pretty much nonstop--that.

but!!! everything is clear and non-threatening and how my gut kept telling me it'd be. ahh mental health working against you tho. it's a bitch! took me even a week or so after the good news to start getting back into my head correctly! a nurse told me it was the adrenaline built up in my kidneys and leaving my body making it so tired! this week i'm FINALLY feeling back to my normal self. with a bit more of an appreciation for my family, friends and all my loved ones. and you guys and gals and non-binary pals, too! the dash was a blessing to occupy my time with. even if i wasn't writing. reading your posts always makes me happy. so if you're on my follow list? and part of my day to day?

this is just me saying thanks. i appreciate you all more than you know. and man. don't take your health for granted. take care of yourselves. get your check ups. and do what's right for your body. cause i love ya. i'm cleaning today off and on. but i'm planning on binging some supernatural and some spooky stuff once everything's how i want it and dusting off my writing brain as i go! did a lot of video gaming to try and fill up my brain when i was being quiet, too. but it's not the most creative thing in the world! so!!! catch up is coming! much love!

ps. it took me a while to post this cause i'm so so so freaking never wanting to give peeps a reason to worry. but i really wanted you guys to know what's up and why my activity has been so sporadic/focused on a small amount of things. give ya the ol' heads up. i know none of you expect a reason or whatever. i just thought i'd share. and give ya all a reminder that you're important.

#seriously. you're all amazing and cared about.#always.#don't forget that!#ooc; one from the salt circle #tw health #just in case

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redrose10 · 2 days

Text

This is #1 from the picture game!

Warnings: Depression, talks of cheating, mentions of therapy and taking medication, body insecurities after pregnancy, divorce, swearing, mentions of sex, lots of crying

You nervously bounced your leg as you waited for your new boss to come greet you. It had been several years since you last changed jobs but lately your life had been all out of sorts so you figured why not. You were in the process of a messy divorce from your husband. You had moved into your own apartment. You had decided to go back to school to finish your degree that you had put on hold when your daughter was born.

So it seemed like the perfect choice when you found out that the college you were attending was doing a group hire of about eight different assistants to work with various professors. They didn’t tell you which ones or what departments and you didn’t really care. The pay was surprisingly decent and there were benefits. The hours were good and it also got you some extra credits on top of it.

When you arrived today you were told to head to the literature department. Your soon to be ex husband was a literature professor at a college a few cities over so the sound of that made your mouth sour. Hopefully this professor wasn’t as much of a jerk as your ex you hoped.

It’s funny how life turns out sometimes you thought as you watched your soon to be ex Yoongi walk down the hall to greet you. You cursed yourself for thinking he still looked as good as ever with his black rimmed glasses and his fitted turtleneck sweater.

He stopped in his tracks when he saw you, “Nope, we’re not doing this here Y/N. It’s my first day and I don’t need you embarrassing me.”

“Me embarrass you? I’m not the one who left you sitting alone at a restaurant for two hours on our anniversary while I was “with a friend”.”, you spat.

“Y/N, she was a friend. A very married and very gay friend which you would’ve known had you given me the opportunity to explain before biting my head off.”

“Okay and that doesn’t change the fact that you forgot our anniversary.”, you scoffed.

“Why are you here? Come to take more of my money?”, he said changing the subject.

“Mo-More of your money?! I haven’t taken any of your money. I only want you to provide half for Mae. That’s it. It’s all in the papers or are you too busy with your friend to even read those?”, you questioned.

“How is she by the way?”, he asked immediately softening at the mention of his daughter, “C-Can I see her this weekend?”

You nodded, “Of course Yoongi. You know I’ll never stop you. She misses you.”

Yoongi had always been an amazing father. It was one of the few things that kept you in the marriage for as long as you stayed.

“Why are you here Y/N?”, he asked again.

“I got a job as an assistant to one of the professors. They sent me to this department.”

Yoongi pinched the bridge of his nose, “Oh for fucks sake. This can’t be happening.”

“Why are you here?”, you also questioned.

“They offered me a tenured position at this school. And part of that offer included my own assistant.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you changed jobs?”

He scoffed, “I also changed which brand of toothpaste I use. Should I tell you that too?”

You hated how cold and mean he had become towards you. You missed the comforting, warm and welcoming man that you had married.

“The brand of toothpaste you use doesn’t possibly affect our daughter Yoongi. What if something happened to her and I thought you still worked at your old job? I need to know things like this.”

He nodded, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. You didn’t tell me that you got a new job either by the way.”

He was right. You nodded, “I’m sorry. There’s just a lot going on and I was overwhelmed as it is.”

“Do you need more money?”

“What?! No I don’t need more money. I can take care of myself just fine.”

“Alright alright. I just wanted to make sure.”, he rolled his eyes

“Well maybe I can ask them to switch my department or something.”, you said.

“No it’s fine. We’re both adults. We need to learn to co-parent anyways so this can be good practice.”

You were skeptical but agreed.

Yoongi’s office was much brighter and warmer than you expected. A large oak desk covered in books and papers. A photo of him holding Mae the day she was born was hanging on the wall. It was the biggest you’d ever seen him smile and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t remember the last time you’d seen a smile like that on him.

“Since it’s the first day of class I don’t really have much for you to do. Can you please just take all of the papers for the syllabus and put them in order and staple them? That would really help me.”

“Sure.”, you nodded and got to work.

Working for your soon to be ex was easier than you thought. Sure you both argued and took little jabs at each other here and there but for the most part he’d give you a list of things to do for the day and you’d just go about your day doing them. You two were almost being friendly with each other again.

He’d bring you a coffee that they “accidentally” gave him for free and it just happened to be your favorite kind and you’d always happen to bring way too much food for your lunch so you’d offer to share it with him. Things seemed nice for once in a long time.

On a Wednesday afternoon he was at some big faculty meeting. He’d asked you to edit a paper he was working on so you were sat at his desk reading through it.

There was a quick knock at the door before a woman appeared. “Hope you’re hungry Yoongi. I got your favor-Oh! I’m sorry. I was expecting Professor Min to be here.”, she said startled by your presence.

“He’s in a meeting. He should be back shortly.”, you faked politeness.

You also took a notice of her appearance. Something you’d been doing a lot lately anytime you were around another woman. She was definitely younger than you and Yoongi. Long perfectly toned legs, no tummy pouch. She probably had perfect skin without stretch marks. She was gorgeous and everything you felt you weren’t.

She smiled, “You look really familiar.”

“Well I take some classes here so maybe you’ve seen me in one of those.”

“No no that’s not it. I’ve seen you in a photo…Oh! Your Professor Mins wife or soon to be ex wife I should say.”, she chuckled, “He used to have a picture of you on his desk.”

Hearing that he “used to” hurt pretty bad but what could you expect of him at this point honestly.

“I’m sorry how do you know Professor Min? I can take a message and let him know you stopped by.”, you said grabbing a pen.

“He was my Professor over at SNU. We got pretty close there. Then I transferred over here and now he’s here too”, she giggled again, “I guess he missed me too much. Just tell him Mia stopped by. He’ll know.”

“I’ll get right on that.”, you rolled your eyes as she turned and walked away.

After she left you felt a wave of emotions hit you. The realization that your marriage was over and probably had been over much longer for Yoongi than it had been for you making your eyes brim with tears. You started to dig around in Yoongi’s desk looking for some tissues when you saw it. Flipped over and tucked away in the bottom drawer was a picture of you and Yoongi. You were looking up at the camera while he had his arms around your waist and his cheek resting on the top of your head as he smiled. It was taken minutes before he got down on one knee and asked you to spend the rest of your life with him. Now this precious moment that you thought you’d both cherish forever was shoved in the bottom of a desk drawer. That only made you cry harder and you were thankful that you found the tissues.

You had just gotten yourself mostly composed when Yoongi got back from his meeting.

“I’m sorry that took longer than expected. How did the editing go?”

He looked at you. You knew you couldn’t get one by him. He’d always been able to tell when you were crying.

“Y/N what’s wrong?”

“Nothing don’t worry about it?”

“You’re crying. Something happened.”

“Nothing happened. Can you just leave me alone?”, you hissed.

He sighed, “Why do you always push me away? For once can you just stop trying to be tough and tell me what’s wrong.”

“No Yoongi, I can’t stop being tough because I’ve spent so long having to be tough so that you can’t hurt me any more.”

He ran his tongue over his slightly parted lips.

You grabbed your bag and tossed it over your shoulder, “The paper looks good so far. I’m going to get lunch.”

You turned to look at him but he was staring at the ground, “Oh and by the way, Mia stopped by.”

You left letting the door slam behind you.

Yoongi texted you to take a longer lunch than normal. Whether he felt bad for you or didn’t want to deal with you or maybe he had invited Mia to his office and had other plans, you didn’t care. You needed the extra time and were glad to take it.

When you did return back to his office Yoongi was sitting at his desk going over something on his computer. Without a word you walked over and took a seat on the couch pulling out some paperwork that still needed to be reviewed.

“I have never been unfaithful to you Y/N. I know that’s what you’re thinking. I would never do that to you no matter what is going on between us.”

“Then who is she?”, you asked between sobs that came out of nowhere.

“She’s just an over zealous student that I tutored last semester and part of the reason I left SNU. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. I didn’t want to get her expelled and I got a better job offer so I just left. She must’ve heard that I transferred here from someone. I’ll talk to security and let them know not to allow her on campus. I swear to you Y/N there’s absolutely nothing going on between me and her…or anyone else.”

You heard him sigh as he watched you continued to cry.

“How did we get to this point?”, he said running his hands over his face. You had an idea but couldn’t do any more than cry a little harder.

Then he suddenly left his desk and came over next to you on the couch. “I have an idea. Do you trust me?”, he asked.

You only nodded knowing your voice would sound too rough.

“Okay hold this pen.”, he said taking one out of his suit pocket and gently placing it in your hands, “Whoever has this pen gets to speak their mind and say anything that they want to and the other person can’t interrupt or speak until they have the pen. I think we need to sit down and talk about things like adults, without our emotions causing us to act out.”

You stared at the pen for a moment then you looked at Yoongi. He was silent but you could see it in his eyes that he was scared.

After taking a minute to compose yourself you took another look at him before speaking.

“For me it started a few months after Mae was born. I hated my new body, the way I looked. I mean I was proud of what I had done and I wouldn’t have changed anything but it was hard Yoongi. I gained weight, I have a little belly pouch and stretch marks, my boobs are saggy and uneven. I felt so gross and unattractive.

And then I noticed you were getting distant. You didn’t touch me as much, you stopped trying to get little peaks of me changing or getting out of the shower. We’ve had sex like twice since Mae was born and both times I could tell you weren’t really into it. I thought you weren’t attracted to me any more either.”

You paused to take a look at him. He was delicately looking at you, biting his lip. You knew he was trying his hardest not to interrupt you.

So you continued, “Then one day I thought I’d surprise you. I bought a new lingerie set and dropped Mae off at my parents. I showered and shaved and moisturized like it was going to fix everything. I added a little of the perfume you always liked and then when I knew you were laying on the bed I walked out of the bathroom. I dropped my robe and said your name in the most sultry way I could. And..and you didn’t even look at me Yoongi.”, your voice cracked. It was harder to talk about this than you had thought but you composed yourself again, “And I wish I would’ve just turned around and went back into the bathroom because when you finally did look at me you didn’t react. You didn’t tell me I looked good, you didnt pull me towards the bed like you used to, you didn’t even smile. You just stared at me like you were disgusted. Yoongi do you know how much that hurt me? What that did to my confidence?To realize that I couldn’t even get your attention after putting in that much effort. I felt like an idiot. I wanted to talk then but you said you had to make a phone call and left the room. So I changed back into my pajamas and went to bed.”

You clicked the pen a few times trying to ground yourself. Yoongi was still patiently sitting next to you.

“Then our anniversary came up. I wanted to give us one more chance. I got a new dress that I felt really good in. Booked a reservation at your favorite restaurant. I reminded you that morning. And you didn’t show up. Yoongi I sat there for two hours…two hours like an idiot waiting on the love of my life for nothing. You texted me that you were out with someone else so I figured you’d already found someone you were more attracted to and accepted it. I paid for my drinks and went home. The next day I called the divorce lawyer. And…and here we are.”

Once you had finished you had to admit it felt pretty good getting all of that off your chest. It was all things that you had said to him in your head many times but never had the guts to say to him in person.

When you realized he still hadn’t said anything you took the pen and placed it in his hands. The rough callouses giving you goosebumps.

Yoongi took a deep breath to prepare himself for his turn.

“Y/N, I am so incredibly sorry that I ever made you doubt yourself. From the minute I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful being ever and that has never changed. If anything you’ve only gotten more attractive to me. The thing is…is that I’m depressed. I have been for a while. It started just before Mae was born and got worse afterwards. I should’ve told you but I was embarrassed and I felt guilty. I mean I’m married to the woman I love more than anything and we have a beautiful little girl who’s healthy and happy and I have a great job that I love so I felt like I had no reason to be depressed and I was angry with myself for feeling that way. And then…”

He took another long deep breath, “And then after Mae was born I knew I had to get better for both of you. So I saw a psychiatrist and was put on depression medication and started seeing a therapist too. And it was helping. I started feeling better. But the medication, it…it has certain side effects. So while any time my eyes and brain saw you they wanted one thing, the rest of my body didn’t want to cooperate.”

He looked at you apprehensively to see if you were understanding where he was going with that and you did so you gave him a little nod.

“That night I knew you had something planned. I accidentally saw the bag from the lingerie store in the closet and then Mae was gone and you were taking an extra long time in the shower. I put it all together and I knew you wanted to have sex and I panicked. I started thinking about anything I could to try and force it to happen. That camping trip in the woods, our wedding night, that night Mae was conceived.”, he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows making you giggle for the first time in what felt like forever, “But none of it was working. And then I looked at you. I stared because I wanted to burn that image into my brain forever. You looked so gorgeous, sexy, incredible. I felt like the luckiest man alive. And then I realized that I was just going to disappoint you and make you feel insecure because I knew you’d think it was because of you. So I panicked again and left to go call my therapist. Looking back I should’ve just told you everything from the start.”

He adjusted himself on the couch to get comfortable again before going on, “And then I knew our anniversary was coming up so I stopped taking my medication for a little. I wanted to be able to make it up to you and show you how much I loved you and make you feel as incredible as you make me feel. I thought I’d be okay but it’s like the depression hit me harder than before. I was worried and called my therapist so she gave me an emergency appointment. I’m so sorry Y/N. We were talking through things and it took longer than I thought and then I had to get my prescription refilled and by the time it was over you had already left the restaurant. I knew when I got home that you were going to call the lawyer. I didn’t blame you so I didnt try to stop you.”

He stopped to remove his glasses and wipe away some tears. In all the years you’ve known him you’ve only ever seen him cry twice before. Once when his grandmother had passed away and the day Mae was born. To see him sit here in front of you and cry as if he had nothing else to loose really pulled at your heart strings.

You went to speak but realized he still had the pen. It appeared he wasn’t done anyways because he grabbed your hand and squeezed it tight, “I’m sorry I failed you not only as a lover but also as a husband and a friend. I never meant to make you feel that way. Just know that when this is all over and you’re no longer tied to me that no one will ever love you as deeply and as strongly as I always will. I will always be here for you and Mae. No matter what. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so many times. I wish I could take it all back and take on the hurt instead.”

Through your own blurry vision you looked over his tear stained cheeks and red nose before taking the pen in his hand and tossing it aside. Tightly you wrapped your arms around his neck and connected your lips to his, “I’m sorry too Yoongi. I should’ve just talked to you and let you know how I felt instead of being stubborn and expecting you to fix it. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling so much and I wish you would’ve told me. I want to take the pain from you. I love you so much and I don’t want to get divorced. I just wanted you to hurt too just like I was but I didn’t know you were already hurting so badly in other ways. But I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

By this point you were ugly crying and didn’t even care. You were sure you looked like a red, snot covered mess but when you actually took the time to look at Yoongi you could see the love he had for you even in that moment.

“It’s okay Y/N…Everything will be okay, everything will be okay, everything will be okay…”, he repeated a few more times while stroking your hair until you had finally started to calm down a little.

“So what do we do now?”, you sniffled.

“Well we can take it slow if you want. We have to think about Mae in all of this too and we don’t want to confuse her. Maybe slowly start moving back home and spending more and more time together as a family. And uh maybe you could come to one of my therapy sessions with me, if you want to. I know she’d love to meet you and we can talk there and go over anything else we need too. And when you’re ready we can meet with the lawyer again and take care of that.”

You smiled, “Okay that sounds nice.”

You leaned into him resting your head on his shoulder while you played with his fingers. Just from the pinkness of his hands you could tell he was blushing.

“Umm and maybe you could come over one day and you could bring that lingerie set with you and maybe…maybe we could try.”, he said nervously rubbing his hand over the back of his neck.

Gently you stopped him taking his hand in yours, “Of course we can try. I know it may not happen but we’ll work through it together.”

He breathed a sigh of relief before pulling you over for a kiss, “I love you Mrs. Min Yoongi.”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

And surprise…Here is a bonus little smutty side story that goes with it. I wrote it as a separate story because I don’t usually include smut in my writings and I didn’t want to blindside anyone that may like reading what I post but isn’t comfortable reading smut. This way you can just read this main fic or you can read both if you’d like.

I’m not going to become a smut account or anything. I’ve just had a similar idea for a while and I felt like it fit this situation. I’ve been really nervous to post it but wanted to try it out.

#bts #yoongi x reader #yoongi fanfic #min yoongi #bts fanfic #bts x reader #yoongi x y/n #yoongi fic #yoongi angst #yoongi fluff #bts yoongi #suga

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judesmoonbeauty · 18 hours

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Jude's Leg Strength & A Coal Mine?

Forgive this post as it is impromptu, but please humor me for a minute......I was driving home and thinking about Jude's legs (because that IS normal), and in particular about how much Cybird emphasizes their strength. Jude's always on the run, and everyone talks about how strong they are. Under the cut for minor spoilers.

Initially, I chocked it up to something along the lines of, "Well, in Dark IF he was on the run from people who were after him as a little kid, so it may be a hint for his main story as a little kid always on the run." And this may very well be the case.

But then I thought, well that's one possibility, what are some other ways he could've gotten such strong legs that would have to be developed over time. This is how my brain works:

Jude ➡ Strong legs ➡ He's a runner ➡ Running ➡ Running ➡ Running for work ➡ Work ➡ Work ➡ What kind of work? ➡ Courier? ➡ Nah ➡ Servant? ➡ Nope ➡ Chimney Sweep ➡ Chimney Sweep??? WTF? ➡ Ah, Fire ➡ Fire needs coal ➡ Jude's Coal mine ➡ Coal mine ➡ Coal mine ➡

JUDE WORKED IN A COAL MINE?

I got home and looked up 'coal workers in Victorian times' and found this (if you want to read it yourself).

Turns out that children were often employed to work in coal mines as:

Hurriers and Thrusters.

Young children tended to work in pairs pushing and pulling carts of coal together in narrow roadways, the hurrier would pull it, while the thruster pushed it. Older children and women did this task alone.

The tubs could weigh about 600 kg or 1,377 lbs. The height of the tunnels could be between 60-120 cm or 1.9-3.9 ft.

There were also other positions:

Trapper: Reserved for the youngest child in the family, they'd be responsible the entire shift to open and close the door to the mine.

Getter: Usually, this was for the strongest youth in the family or for males. They sat at the coal face with a pick axe and chipped away the coal bits.

The entire family would usually work together so they could make enough money. Typically, a child was eight years old when they started to work in the mines, but could be as young as five. From the photos, it looks like sheer backbreaking, eye-straining hell.

Ah, a law was put into place in 1842 that stated children under the age of 10 couldn't work in the mines, but what if the owner of the coal mine kept it a secret that he had children under that age working, or Jude may have been about 10 years of age (presuming upon Dark IF).

The Theory: Jude may have worked in the coal mines as a hurrier or thruster. It would definitely explain the incredible strength that he's built up in his legs, and consequently crushes people's jaws with so easily. Hmm, and it could explain why Jude has a coal mine or at least has the authority to send someone to a coal mine.

In the switch up story, Jude tells the thieves that he can either sell them or send them to slave away in a coal mine until they die.

Hahaha, wouldn't it be just like Jude to purchase the coal mine that he and his family may have been forced to work in when they were little, and then force the task masters and/or the owner of the mine to work in darkness until they were dead. That is not a stretch to me.

I mean, his family could've likely developed CWP or Black Lung Disease. True, asthma may have run in his family, but inhaling the dust over time would not only aggravate their pre-existing condition, but it would cause them to develop that illness as well. Couple that with weak and tired bodies, with no money for medicine......you get the picture.

Of course, this is just for fun and I could be totally wrong, but it was fun to think more about his past and how he developed such strength in his legs.

Okay, good chat everyone! Now, I'll go translate.

#ikevil theories #jude jazza #ikevil jude

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featherquillpen · 1 day

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My favorite Hubert support chains in Three Houses

My favorite Hubert supports and why I like them so much! Some possibly controversial opinions ahead! YOLO.

Hubert & Petra

I think the Hubert/Petra support chain is really underrated. There's a ton of Discourse about the Ingrid/Dedue support chain and racism and the overcoming thereof. But the Hubert and Petra support chain does a great job, I think, of showing someone working on their own racism. Hubert's behavior toward Petra in their C support is appalling, and I think Hubert's worst on-screen behavior. It's either the C support with Petra, or his threats toward her and Brigid on the Petra and Bernie paralogue in non-Crimson Flower routes.

The context is all-important. Petra is a political hostage. She was brought over to the Adrestian court at age 9. Hubert is an Adrestian noble. At the time of the C support pre-TS, Hubert is 20 and Petra is 15. The power dynamic between them is deeply skewed in Hubert's favor. He could do nearly anything to her short of kill her, and get away scot-free. It's pretty much Hubert's modus operandi to threaten people in C supports, because he's so paranoid about any potential enemy of Edelgard's. But to do so to someone who is already so utterly in his power, and Edelgard's, is just cruel.

The B support is still fairly bad. But in the A support, Hubert turns it around.

Hubert is now clear that he believes in the new accord between Brigid and the Empire. Indeed, it's obvious by implication, and more clearly spelled out in Hopes, that he was part of making that accord. And now he's stripped of his last excuse to keep judging Petra. I think one of the highest compliments Hubert can give is to say something like this:

Overall, I love this support as an example of a character working on their racist bullshit.

(I will briefly add that I adore their support chain in Three Hopes also. In that chain, it's Petra's turn to threaten Hubert, and he's SO INTO IT. Just like "Oh shit, a good threat. I respect that so much.")

Hubert & Dorothea

Talking of threatening people in C supports, you know who Hubert doesn't threaten in their C support? Dorothea.

Hubert just likes Dorothea right away. No threats. In fact he's quite open about his feelings about Edelgard right in the C support, and that's a very personal topic!

The whole support chain is about love. And it's even better because their ending together is platonic. And about being spies together, which is so sick. (As far as I can tell, and let the internet correct me if I'm wrong, Hubert is the male ("male") character with the most platonic endings with women, after Alois, who is already married.) I really love it because Hubert opens up very deeply to Dorothea about his feelings for Edelgard. As an aro-spec person, I really relate to the way Hubert and Dorothea talk about Hubert's feelings for Edelgard.

it's very lovely character growth for Dorothea because she sees how profound and transformative non-romantic love can be. That she doesn't need to have romantic love in her life to be happy, whatever society has told her about the necessity of marriage for women to be happy. And that's reflected in the fact that she has a platonic ending with Hubert.

I just can't find their A support anything but hilarious in the best way. They're talking about love, and superficially it's about them getting married, but they don't get married in their ending or have any romantic relationship, and the subtext is screaming that the A support is completely about both their feelings for Edelgard.

I'll take "very normal things to say when you're proposing to someone" for 500, Alex.

Hubert & Bernadetta

I have said it before and I will say it again: you can easily read a metaphor into this support about Bernie giving Hubert space to be gender non conforming or trans femme.

Bernie is way more scared of men than women, and behaves accordingly in their C support, but Hubert then expresses great gentleness toward Bernie and also a deep discomfort with this "scary vampire man" persona, which is sometimes useful but more often painful and heartbreaking. Bernie is really sweet and understanding about this, and even makes that flower in the A support, which you can interpret as Bernie saying "I see this side of you that doesn't fit into masculinity and I want to help you express it." After all, as Hubert says, it's a gift you'd give a female friend, or someone you have romantic feelings for.

What I really like about the moment where Bernie gives Hubert the flower is that it's a moment of Hubert being the one who needs support, through this feeling of pain and uncertainty about this frightening ghoul persona, and Bernie doing the caring. A lot of Bernie's supports are about people trying to help and support Bernie. And that's great! But I love that in this support chain, Bernie also gets to do the supporting.

That dynamic continues in their amazing paired ending, where Bernie goes on great adventures and Hubert stays at home and keeps house. Incredible. Iconic. Let Hubert be GNC. Let Hubert be a housewife.

Hubert & Ferdinand

Much has been said about this support, but I think I have a new take that I haven't seen before. Something that Hubert says to Ferdinand in Hopes helped me really unlock something important about their support chain in Houses.

In Hopes, Hubert and Ferdie are talking about Ludwig, and while Ferdie expresses hope that maybe his father can change, Hubert says something like, "Once someone strays from the path, they can never return." This reflects a broader aspect of Hubert's character, which is that he doesn't seem to believe in redemption. Not for nobles. Not for anyone who's done wrong. Especially not for himself.

Ferdinand does believe in redemption. Not only believes in it, but embodies it. Ferdinand has a remarkable redemption arc. Hubert in the C support with Ferdinand in Houses clearly believes that because of Ferdinand's really fucked up beliefs about nobility and about the power he deserves, Ferdie has strayed from the path and can never return. He's a lost cause. But then Ferdinand proves him wrong.

I think what a lot of fandom gets wrong about this relationship is that they think that Ferdie proved Hubert wrong because he was actually a good guy all along. That's not true. Ferdie pre-timeskip is in many ways genuinely toxic. He secretly believes that he should be Emperor. He bangs on about being the only legitimate heir of House Aegir, and his Aegir bloodline, all of this noble bloodline eugenics stuff that is ruining his classmates' lives. And in three out of four routes, he fights against Edelgard to preserve his noble power and prevent her taking it away from him, upholding this entire rotten system. But in Crimson Flower, he proves Hubert wrong, because he proves that people who stray from the path can return. That phrasing in Hopes about returning to the path gives me some feels, because in Judaism, the word for redemption, teshuvah, basically means "return." It's a belief in the goodness of people. You were on the path to start with. You left it, but you're returning. You're going back to your own fundamental goodness and ability to follow the path.

I think a big reason why Hubert is so impressed with Ferdie by the end of their support chain, and why he comes to love him, is because he proved to Hubert that people can change and can be redeemed. And if that's true of Ferdie…. then maybe that can also be true for Hubert. Ferdinand represents hope. Not just hope for a future after the war, with his visions of education for the masses, but hope that anyone, even the most spoiled noble, even a soul blackened by murder and moral compromise, can work toward redemption. I think it's really beautiful.

And then we get the A+ support which is just pure gay disaster tire fire. Absolute nightmares, both of them.

I find the Ferdibert paired ending deeply funny. Hubert thought he'd die in a ditch and be remembered as the Butcher of Fodlan or something, and now he's a Twin Jewel who everyone thinks is based. I'm also amused by the detail in the JP version of their ending where Edelgard is jealous of their romance. Poor Edie going "where's MY gay enemies to lovers slow burn, HUH?"

Hubert & Edelgard

Agggghhhhhkkkggghhkkkk so. Um. Finally. Last but not least. The Hubert and Edelgard support chain. This is my Hubert stan account origin story. This relationship is what made me go "I need to understand every last thing about Hubert von Vestra." Because here we have Hubert, who is leaving chloroform-soaked rags lying around, looming like a vampyr, cackling unhingedly in crit lines, and threatening people left and right in C supports, and then you see Hubert and Edelgard's C. And that's when you first get to see the real Hubert. That bright heart.

The direct JP-EN translation of this is "I shall make a show of spilling blood to paint the scarlet path1 you tread," where 'scarlet path' is a reference to the walkway in a theater, which is so sexy of Hubert to say.

I also love the C support because she's opening the door wide open for Hubert to leave. It shows the importance of consent and freedom in their relationship. All the people who talk about Hubert being "brainwashed" or "manipulated" into his role clearly left their brains at the door during this support.

I don't even know what to say about the B support, it's just the best. It's perfect. My heart is filled with rainbows. Nobody does it like them. Though I do love that at the end of the B support Edelgard's like "tell me ur secrets Hubert!!!" and he's like "OH LOOK AT THE TIME I GOTTA GO" and flees.

I can't talk about the A support without referring to the Teaspoon Translation because the EN is so badly botched. When I first saw their A support, I was disappointed. And then I discovered it was Treehouse at it again.

JP Edelgard would never dare assume that Hubert is heterosexual.

I also adore the JP version of their paired ending, from Teaspoon:

In their later years, after accomplishing what they set out to do, they found a talented successor and disappeared. Even in their retirement, spent just by themselves, there were likely no romantic exchanges even to the end.

Queerplatonic partner icons. Shipping is nice and all, but no romantic relationship between characters in this game will ever appeal to me more than what Hubert and Edelgard have going on.

#hubert von vestra #fe3h meta #fe3h #the trans femme hubert agenda #hubert and edelgard

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sandyferal · 2 days

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LET’S GO Perirep “play” vs. real dynamic essay. And I’m going to actually go in depth on this. Like actually. It’s going to be long. With references to other media and shit. (I’m gonna be real there’s like a few paragraphs talking about Megamind but I promise it’s VERY RELEVANT.) Only read if you’re interested in that!!

But anyway uh. Very opinions, don’t take this as me trying to make an objective statement. Cause it’s really not. Please Perirep fandom don’t get mad at me for trying to dictate their dynamic I’m really not trying to do that especially since I’m mostly talking about my au

It also very much states things I’m trying to convey more subtlety in my fanfic so if you don’t like that don’t read 👍

NOW. To start off, what is a play dynamic? It’s entirely possible there’s an established word/phrase describing what I mean, but if there is, I’m unaware. So for now that’s what I’ll call it. And what a play dynamic is, is a performative dynamic between two characters that does not reflect how they would interact genuinely, or how they really feel. You could think of bedroom roleplay/dynamics as an example, but it definitely applies in non-sexual settings. Case in point! The movie Megamind.

Now, in the movie, Megamind has two relevant play dynamics. His interactions with Metro Man, and his interactions with Roxanne. His interactions with MetroMan are relevant when talking about Perirep for the rivalry aspect, and for how it affects the “villain’s” sense of identity. His interactions with Roxanne are relevant when talking about how it affects the development of romantic relationships.

First off, Megamind defined his own identity through his rivalry with Metroman. This is extremely relevant to Irep! From young ages they were presented with a “good guy” who was more loved and more successful than them. And for the majority (or all in Irep’s case) of their lives, the only goal they strived towards was “defeating” that enemy. But I think Megamind shows that in reality, accomplishing that goal would eventually leave Irep somewhat depressed and empty. Because that’s not how he really feels. And because he doesn’t truly know who he is outside of his rival. So that play dynamic isn’t something that can work if played out to its natural conclusion.

Then there’s Megamind’s dynamic with Roxanne. Many people have noticed that even when Roxanne was the “damsel” and Megamind the “villain” there was a little bit of banter. Maybe even flirty banter. Or tension. Because that can often arise from play dynamics. But in reality, that dynamic was performance. It’s implied Megamind was not used to her being so unaffected, meaning she may have played along in the past, but it’s clear that she had gotten used to it a long time ago. No real danger. And even being tied up, there barely even felt like a true power imbalance.

Despite all this, their romantic relationship only really worked when they moved past that dynamic. Truthfully, they couldn’t have created a real relationship with that play dynamic, because it didn’t reflect the reality of who they were, and because Roxanne clearly did not want Megamind when she viewed his villainy as a genuine threat. And I think Perirep is very similar.

At the beginning of my au, Peri and Irep haven’t gotten past their play dynamic. They were in this performative mindset of “scary evil domineering anti-fairy” and “soft goody two shoes fairy” that only truly existed for public perception. They have some sort of real feelings for each other, but they’re so so so buried that there was no possible way they would be acted upon genuinely. So the way their feelings eventually came out was through sexual tension via their play dynamic. And that’s how the pregnancy happened.

That causes a layer of insincerity and awkwardness, specifically on Peri’s part. Because their relationship was started because of that play dynamic. Something that Peri understands is performative and not accurate to who they really are. In which case he questions whether they are capable of a real relationship, because he doesn’t know what their genuine relationship is at all, or if they even have one. Meanwhile, Irep literally defines himself through it. It’s how he sees himself, and all he’s ever been told to be.

In reality, Peri is not soft. He’s irritable, and tired and sassy. He’s occasionally sweet or anxious or pathetic or over-dramatically upset, but he’s not truly vulnerable to Irep. And in reality, Irep is not that domineering. He’s failed almost constantly from birth, and has never actually overpowered Peri. He’s a silly little over dramatic loser who tries too hard.

Does that mean he isn’t possessive or protective? No. Irep is those things I think. Or he tries to be. But there’s not a definitive power imbalance in his favor. At least not once they’re in a relationship. No matter how many times he says Peri is “his” or “belongs to him,” Peri could easily leave. Any time. Not even an issue. And Irep would be sobbing and wailing and begging him to come back.

Now do neither of them enjoy or play into the play dynamic? I don’t think so. I personally think they find it kinda fun. And Peri can get flustered by it (although sometimes Irep is too lol). But they have to realize how performative it is if they want to stay together. Because in my mind, if Irep takes his act too seriously and tries to genuinely enforce that dynamic on Peri in a romantic relationship… Peri would straight up just leave. Like no he would not take that.

In regards to what I think their genuine dynamic would be like. I think Peri struggles to be affectionate and express his feelings. Sometimes he will get anxious or flustered or be a little pathetic. He can also be very confident, stubborn, and independent in the relationship. He wants to have the assurance that he’s capable without Irep. He can get a bit distant or snappy at times, but deep down he cares a lot.

Irep on the other hand can get very needy and clingy. Things can set him off, making him insecure, possessive and jealous. He’s very protective during the pregnancy but less so afterwards. Deep down though, I think he wants someone he can be mushy and sappy with. To the point that he might develop codependency issues. Over time he starts to think of himself as scary and evil and powerful like a dog does. In the sense that he likes it when Peri pats him on the head and tells him he is.

Now!!! All of this is very much my personal opinion! I will clarify, this is obviously not the only way to think about their dynamics. This is how I write them but ppl who write them differently are super cool and awesome!! I just. Think of them like this myself. As a reminder, I am also writing them for an au! So I expect them to not be fully canon accurate. Especially since I’m pretty sure their canon rivalry is meant to be genuine to some degree.

#perirep #peri fairywinkle cosma #peri pregnant au #fop irep #Irep #nervous to post this tbh #BUT FUCK IT #WE BALL #might delete later #fairly oddparents #fairly oddparents a new wish #megamind

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