#i lied ill never be over it
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every time i think im over the haunting of bly manor i see an edit of dani and jamie that just breaks my heart all over again
#i lied ill never be over it#“i know we can't technically get married... but i also don't really care. we can wear the rings and we'll know.”#cue me sobbing violently#they deserved so much better#the haunting of bly manor#bly manor#dani clayton#jamie taylor#damie
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I was consumed by the need to see P in that incredible mask from Lisrim's original music video lmao 💫
#sin scribbles#lies of p#pinocchio lies of p#p lies of p#neowiz#djmax#(can you tell im like gasping for that dlc because i am. im about to turn into dust and disappear on the wind never to be seen again)#(i cant believe this is where life has taken me. but im also not complaining.)#(this is a formal request for neowiz to patch this mask in as a wearable accessory. actually this is not a request it is a heated demand.)#(i am currently sick but ill be damned if that stops me from drawing my wildest dreams i.e this)#(anyway the lies of p version of lisrim slaps like crazy and ive been feral about it since it dropped. AMEN.)#(the moment i saw the thumbnail for the og version of lisrim it was over for me i was given divine purpose and had no choice in the matter.#(you are my soooon YOURE MY SON. BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE.)
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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oh please share your thoughts on titans curse percabeth.... we'd love to hear them
okay one thing about the titans curse is that it is the thematic turning point of the entire series. prior to the titans curse, pjo treated its topics seriously, but tlt and som both have a.. lightness to them. more comedic. just dipping our toes in. no one dies.
but ttc is remarkably different from the previous two. darker. set in winter to function as a true middle-point. characters begin to die. percy declares himself the child of the prophecy. this is when things begin to actually happen.
and one of the things that start happening is: annabeth and percys relationship starts tipping into one more overtly romantic.
while i enjoy established relationships, in stories, i really enjoy that bit beforehand. the implication it brings. annabeth is gone for the majority of the titans curse, but the whole book is defined by percys love for her, both platonically and in a way that even he only begins to realize is romantic. the new seriousness of the book also leads to moments that are more charged.
i love botl/tlo percabeth and their messy love triangle yuri and broiling hate and loyalty they think cant be acted on because someones going to end up dead, and i love they do get together! i had their underwater kiss as my phone background for like a year!
but their relationship in the titans curse - especially after they meet again, having both held up the world - just has such a new, melancholy feel to it. one of my favorite pjo quotes comes from the titans curse, and it really encapsulates why i like their dynamic in it so much better than i did here:
"So I took her hand, and I don't know what everybody else heard, but to me it sounded like a slow dance: a little sad but maybe a little hopeful, too."
#never not thinking about that quote........ its the description for my percabeth playlist.#that and the 'for once i didnt look back' at the end of tlo are so good. they have such a good sense of atmosphere#sorryyyy if this is a little all over the place i am writing this on my phone while ignoring homework#aauuughhhyh the implications... the implications...#botl has some of it too but the stuff with rachel and calypso takes up a lot of space for percy annabeth AND me!#and in tlo i still dont dig the love triangle stuff but when theyre like taking knives for one another and touching each others backs....#oh man. thinks about the scene where percy shows her his vulnerable spot. oh man.#i like percabeth! shocker!#ask me no questions and ill tell you no lies#pjo
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i feel sick
#every time i think im over her#that she cant hurt me anymore#days like tuesday happen and i miss her so fucking much#i just want my mom#not this narcissist that replaced her when i was 11#i know she was like this before just to my dad#but i just want the mom that drove me to school every morning and took me to seaworld and the schools pta game night and did pizza fridays#i want to call her and hug her and have her tell me that its all going to be alright#but it wont#and that mom doesnt exist#maybe she never did#fuck i cant do this anymore#i was doing so fucking well#i was so fucking happy#why did she have to ruin it with her 40 essay-texts and email stalking?#and the boys are home now too#and i have to act like their mother didnt just force her way back into my life to bring up memories that make me want to claw my chest open#i have to act happy as my youngest brother gets his phone blown up with texts i know are from her#when i know that shes targeting him now that i left#like she did to me when my dad left her when i was 11#i cant do this anymore#i just cant#i cant spend my days throwing up in the school bathroom and crying myself to sleep and burying myself in shows to not feel anything real#i keep feeling like the other shoe is going to drop#that shes going to come to my college and tell her lies to everyone and ill lose all my friends and everyone who matters to me#and i cant even block her because she controls my fucking health insurance#the last time i talked to her she threatened to file for conservatorship#i cant do that
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heyyy girl hyd
#my art#digital art#wip#fanart#youll never believe it#i should be writin my paper but guess what im doin ill tell you what im not doin its exactly that which i should be doin#but im drawin Him again. you know how it is. actually you might not know how it is ive been very lowkey about it (i havent i just havent#talked about it much online) but ive been very fascinated by this dude. like 19 pages of my sketchbook dedicated to him and so many sketche#that idk what to even try to finish. i drew him that one time and its like he was laced with fuckin cocaine or something and now im addicte#hes like. the light of my life or smn.#i had to mute the notifications for that vent shitpost comic i made cause seein it in my notes all the time was startin to make me SICK#my own art hauntin me#LORD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED TO BE WRITIN MY PAPER!!! gang it was due 1.5 hours ago we are so over#my professor is usually pretty lenient but ive been like. ABSOLUTE FUCKIN GARBAGE at gettin my shit done on time what if were runnin low on#patience man what then#i keep doin this i just keep doin this i called him the light of my life i LIED hes a dastardly force of EVIL#HE IS THE EVIL IN THE RESIDENCE!!!! THE EVIL IN MY RESIDENCE!!! GET HIM OUT!!!!#anyways thats the post if you see this and read these tags give me a 2$ bill for good luck please
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last night i was sad because im autistic and no one around me has the same niche interests and i dont really have any proper friends. but now im thinking 😒 if no one near me fucks with richard nixon or my oc x canon/self shipping REALNESS or anything else about me then maybe nobody here deserves me
#txt#because i am nice... 😒 but everyone fucks me over 😒 sick of it#imagine someone writes you a LOVE poem and then tells you shes not ready for a relationship. NIXIE KILL YOURSELF 💔#and she says 'oh ill make an effort ill ask about your interests because you care so much about mine its only fair <3' AND THEN NOTHING#'nicest gift anyones ever given me ☹️♥️♥️' i hate being lied to ughhhh ughh i cant wait for when i never see her again#shes in 2/3 of all my lessons and my classes are so tiny#ugh#and she only wanted me for my body anyway. i could kill myself but i wont#nobody wants me just for me 😒 i have not spoken to someone whos had feelings for me whos wanted more than sex from me#stupid
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Im so fucking tired of allistic people man...
They always present like 2 choices for you and go on for days about how they understand either choice, they won't judge you no matter what you pick and how they'll be fine regardless then act all disappointed and whiney when you make that choice and they didn't get the answer they wanted.
I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong choice™️. If you wanted me to do something why didn't you say it. I don't care about all your little social shit, be honest with me. I didn't choose based on your wants when I don't know what you want. I made the "selfish" choice despite everyone around me saying they supported my decision and totally understood. Then I'm the bad guy. For making a choice. That I was assured over and over again that I wasn't going to be judged for.... I'm so tired of this... I'm so tired of allistic people setting these fucking landmines for me. Like they enjoy my suffering. I always get fucking burned in these situations. I can either just do what I think they want with varying response or I can be honest and unmask and do what I think is best for me then they all collectively sigh and look away like Im the disappointment...
If it's not truly safe, don't fucking tell me I'm safe. If I truely won't be judged, don't judge me. If I can't safely unmask, don't tell me to be myself and make my own choices. Even allistic people who had no fucking skin in this game judged me. I chose the option that was best for me and now I'm the villain. Again. Fuck allistic people man, fuck those wishy-washy judgey ass people.
#clover speaks#clover vents#its ok they said just do whats best for you they said#and my dumbass was just like yeah sure 😚 and now im looked at like a monster for taking a choice they gave me#and encouraged me to take! ill support you no matter what my ass#it makes me feel so fucking unsafe in my chocies like a fucking saw trap#its always multiple choice questions and nothinge ever seems like the right choice#they are always wrong and everyone always despises me abit afterwards#even when i know i didnt do anything wrong i didnt hurt anyone and i made a chocie for me#its all supports and i love yous and its oks up until the tism comes back out and i get the cold shoulder#i get the look aways and the silence#they know they are hurting me and they dont care about the betrayal i feel over being basically lied to#i know its your choice but i felt like- ok then why didnt you say anything BEFORE I MADE THE CHOICE#FUCK ALLISTIC PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THEIR QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS GAMES THAT MAKE ME LOOK HORRIBLE FOR NO REASON#IM SORRY I DIDNT READ YOUR EXPRESSION ITS ALMOST LIKE I HAVE A MODERATE MENTAL DISABILITY THAT PREVENTS ME FROM RWADING EXPRESSIONS#i just wanna say or do something right and they always judge me no matter what#im never safe around these people because everything is always watched and judged according to their morals and what they would choose#as if their morals are superior to mine because they are fine with throwing themselves at trains over nothing and im kot#fuck allistic people man#im so stupid for believing them and thinking this time ill be safe...#im never safe i will never be safe#im always so scared of looking like a stone faced unfeeling monster who dosent love anyone or anything and they always make me into it#no matter what i do or how much i try to express it#i feel things i love people im not a robot#this hurts so much...#sorry for the total lack of context but you dont need any#i dont want or need any more allistic judgement
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I’m working on the aoki blog after my birthday I prommy you don’t have to fall to being the third </333
bestie with the HIGHEST form of respect isnt your birthday the end of february (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)
#snap chats#IM VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT BTW#ID WAIT A THOUSAND YEARS FOR YOUR BLOG i however. am an antsy little bug bout stuff i wanna do#if i dont do it immediately it never happens yk im SICK#i PROOOBBB should wait until jan to make mine cause as soon as i announce Sale Time ill prob be busy.... oops....#idk We Play It Where It Lies thems my rules so if i accidentally become swamped uh Oops <3#I HAVE TO GET OVER MY THREE GRUDGE ANYWAY SHE HAS DONE NOTHING#it is not her fault bad things happen when she's around.....#i also just really want to set my son free <- streamer ichi#i think of him every day and i need proper excuses to draw him SO
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#bloodletting#i guess... i honestly feel more like void just... slightly less inclined to do the spaces...... theyre emphasis now or something#so... void works#will have approx 25 left over after a 60 dollar game.#keeping in mind havent played any of the other games and who knows#maybe you have a third game that is better#oh can you finally edit polls?#wonderful. anyway. i love to buy all my games at once or else ill never spend the money again#or will spend it on worse things...#lied. can't do math... will have uhhh. 20 left. sad.
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sometimes i forget that tumblr has conservatives on here bro
#then i remember terfs exist#i really just be making posts shitting on terfs and i forget they exist here everytime#like i really blaze and blog just poking holes in terf ideology and then i make the rounds over in cockaroach land of bad arguments#and strawman accusations of words i never wrote or implied and its like wow yall really out here making your tomfoolery known on tumblr#of all places like the origin of the radical sjw propaganda website?!?!?!?!???!#and then i remember that i literally witnessed GAMERGATE on tumblr and it embarrasses me everytime#like it spread like wildfire on here i have ptsd flashbacks#this was in my truscum phase omg please look away i literally blocked it out#but on the other side like tumblr had so much gay sex and trans pride everywhere#like the prop they run with today originates from tumblr culture and that BLOWS MY MIND#because like so many queer kids were targeted on here to alienate us from the online queer community by feeding us bs lies about transness#and ugh im too fucking high for this shit oops ill stop now#tumblr#personal
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idc if Fu Shi is literally the most normal guy ever who just loves his GF I do NOT trust him and it doesn't matter if the event tries to tell me he's normal and just some fucking dude I'm GOING to psychically flay him.
#Between (as of now) nonplayable boyfriends in dislyte. Li Xiao could rip him to shreds with his mental illnesses alone.#Fan Liang is out of this btw he should never see the horrors.#Qlso tangent. The Radiant Guard has existed for (probably) over 30 years now- I think they're the group who took in Li Xiao (its not 100%#Clear) and in the 10 year flashback he says he's worked for 20 years. So at least 30 years. Also Nether Gaol was iirc an underground war#Shelter so maybe? Thats something? Anyway. Idk what all this means besides me trying to attack Fu Shi with my mind
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i wanna know where ppl got this idea that im like infinitely praised or something so i need to be constantly humbled bc like... im kinda the only one out here supporting and validating me and I have been like my whole life so......
#who is this for#can you just say you wanna abuse me and go#vent#yeah im overly confident and i have a persona whos full of himself. kinda gotta be when you're the only one giving yourself confidence#in the first place.#all ik is if i was infinitely praised i would have never started cutting myself.#im quite literally the only one keeping myself alive emotionally and mentally. im like howls house at the end of howls moving castle#when its slowly falling apart and just BARELY making it by#the fact you're able to mistake my confidence as some sort of cultivated thing by people in my life should tell you how this has#been going on since i was a child and ive needed to build my own confidence. ive had to become my own parent.#it seems cultivated because *i* cultivated it.#otherwise i wouldve just let everything everyone said about me make me kill myself even if theyre literally just being judgemental assholes#when you have no one who counters that in your life you gotta be that for yourself.#i promise- most likely whatever you've come up with to try to humble me with ive already 'humbled' myself plenty over.#unless. of course. its some bullshit you believe from someone who abused me and has to create a narrative of their ultimate victimhood#so you think im some sort of mastermind manipulator abuser or something. then no ofc i havent humbled myself over that#bc theres nothing to be humbled over. ill get back to you when i actually do that shit.#theres already plenty to criticize we dont gotta make shit up to hate me over you losers.#if you feel like its not good enough justification to hate me as much as you do w/o believing lies then maybe you need to learn#how to not invest that much energy into hating other people that you need to literally believe bullshit to justify it
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i finished tlou2 thats it thats the tweet
#i cried for hours#the themes of guilt forgiveness and loss really hit me like a ton of fuckin bricks#hit a lil close to home!!!!!!!!!#i literally need to speak to my therapist about this game bc it made me Realise Real Eyes Real Lies so many things about my trauma#but anyway im never getting over this game. and also idk if ill ever replay this#well have to see#its an absolute masterpiece though#quite honestly this whole story left me speechless#also im gonna need something good to happen in tlou3 when we get it in a thousand years time
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i sometimes genuinely wonder if people feel no remorse guilt etc
#like....... sharam nahi aati kya tumko bilkul bhi#no fr like how do u live w urself telling lies and stories and doing wtv it takes to make urself not feel the reality of hurting somekne huh#i have so mucj to say but i know its not worth my fucking time anymore#i know i have healed bc by now i wouldve called and yelled#but ik ill get over this by tmrw#while you deny the only real thing you ever felt for a shitshow of relationship#i hope you tell her one day why you really got w her 🙏🏼 (to get back at me🙏🏼)#jays bs#okay rant over goodnight i sincerely hope those who have done me wrong literally never get any sleep rest of you sleep well
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