#(i am currently sick but ill be damned if that stops me from drawing my wildest dreams i.e this)

[undefeatablesin]

I was consumed by the need to see P in that incredible mask from Lisrim's original music video lmao 💫

[sinfulwonders]

👀

Have a different despair disease Kokichi WIP. This one is near completion, but I just felt like something was off about it and never could figure it out to post it! So now it gets to see the light of day because of this WIP challenge :P

Nothing but the Truth

When Kokichi awoke in his dorm room to the sound of the morning announcement, something felt off. The room felt colder than usual and his head was pounding. He wiped a few beads of sweat from his forehead and stumbled out of bed.

Am I getting sick?

Kokichi made his way to his bathroom and was taken aback by how pale his already snow white skin looked. His eyes looked sunken in, as if he hadn’t slept in days, while his purple locks clung to his sweaty forehead.

“I look like shit…” Kokichi mumbled aloud, frowning.

He staggered back towards his warm bed, but before he made it there he heard an all too familiar sound:

DING DONG BING BONG

“All students report to the gym for an announcement! And that means ALL students!” Monokuma���s voice rung out loudly through the speakers, causing Kokichi’s aching head to throb even more.

On an average day Kokichi spent more time on his appearance than he would care to admit, but today he barely got his shirt on correctly. He cursed the clasps as he struggled. But eventually, the sickly boy made his way to the gym.

At the entrance, Kokichi was greeted by a smiling Maki.

“Good morning Kokichi!!!” She beamed, sweat forming under her bangs.

“Umm…” Kokichi had no idea how to respond to this.

Maki’s eyes got wide with concern, “What’s the matter Kokichi?”

What the hell is this? Maki has never said a nice thing to me; is she stealing my shtick and trying to be sarcastic? Is she trying to tease me? Well I guess I need to teach her who’s she’s messing with.

Kokichi rounded up as much of what little strength he had in his current state and gave her one of his best smirks. He answered with as much enthusiasm as he could-

“I feel horrible, Maki. I think I may be sick.”

What the hell was that? I went in to mock her, tell her I feel *absolutely wonderful*, but that’s not what happened…What the hell is going on?

As the rest of the class wandered in, they suddenly heard a laugh at the front of the gym.

“Puhuhuhuhu!”

Monokuma landed on the podium, and lifted his arms in the air, like a gymnast does after a landing, “Listen up, Kiddos! Back by popular demand: The Despair Disease!”

Popular demand? Well that supports my theory that this dumb game is being shown to…someone... But what the hell is the despair disease?

“Now some of you may have noticed that a few of your friends are acting strange. And some of you may be feeling pretty under the weather by now. Well welcome to your Killing Game Motive! Since none of you have had the balls to kill anyone, we’re gonna switch up some of those pesky personalities of yours!”

“Switch up our personalities?” Spoke up the timid detective, hiding under his hat.

“Yep! Cool innit? The despair disease has a pesky side effect! Besides making you feel like shit and nearly killing you, it also effects your personality! Each effect on a person is different, but as the saying goes: opposites attract! Look at Maki for example! Usually so stoic and calm! But today she’s as friendly as ever! That’s why she has the Bubbly disease! Now I gave you that one for free, but you’ll have to figure out the other students that have it yourself! But watch out, Kiddos. It’s contagious!”

As Monokuma said those last words and disappeared from the podium, everyone took a step back from one another. Only Monokuma’s wretched laugh echoed through the silent room. It was a while before anyone spoke.

Finally Maki smiled and said, “That’s weird what Monokuma said, cuz I feel great! I don’t feel diseased or despaired at all! Guess he was wrong!” She gave a peppy shrug and began to skip away.

“Wait Maki! We need to stick together!” yelled Kaito, the spiky haired boy beginning to follow her.

Kokichi rolled my eyes.

Why couldn’t that big oaf get the disease? His personality is infuriating.

“Kaito is right, Maki. We need to figure out who exactly has this supposed disease…” Shuichi started strong, and then trailed off as the group looked at him. He pushed his hat down a bit to hide a slight blush.

Kokichi caught it and sighed, “What a cutie…” He instantly clamped his hand over his mouth. Luckily, no one heard him.

What the hell was that? Why did I say that out loud? Could this be the despair disease?

Kokichi slunk in the background so as not to draw attention to himself, as the group discussed options and eventually opted to have the infected people be confined to their rooms. Kokichi rolled his eyes.

I really need to keep investigating this stupid place. I can’t afford these idiots locking me up for who knows how long.

Kokichi stifled a cough as they asked everyone who was feeling ill, disoriented, or just different to raise their hands. The boy averted his gaze from the others and did not raise his hand.

“Kokichi said he was sick!” Maki sang, her hands behind her back as she swayed back and forth like an excited child. Her pigtails completed the look.

Oh my fucking God Maki. The one time I want you to keep your damn mouth shut you’re feeling extra ready to share. Just my luck.

Kokichi glared and then quickly plastered his signature devious smirk on his face.

“Kokichi- you don’t look so good…” Shuichi took a step towards him.

“You’re right, I feel terrible!” Kokichi blurted and then threw his hand over his mouth. He had tried to reply with an insult and a vague non answer to the question, but had said what he was actually thinking.

Miu burst out laughing, “Oh man! Monokuma did say it made people the opposite! It looks like Cock-ichi can’t lie!”

Kokichi glared and started to retort back. But he choked his words back and just looked at the ground.

I wouldn’t be able to say anything that I wanted to anyway. This is so boring.

Kokichi looked back up at the group, “I’m going to my room. I’m bored.”

Good, I was able to say that at least. But without my lies…I guess I need to wait for this crap to wear off.

Kokichi took a few steps, glaring daggers at a still snickering Miu, but as he passed her he faltered. He started coughing and he almost fell over. While Miu stopped smiling, Shuichi ran up to the boy.

“Kokichi!” he cried as he helped him up, “Do you need help back to your room?”

Ugh I hate this. I’m so freaking helpless. And of course, Shuichi is the first to come to my aid. He’s always so freaking considerate. Bleh. Boring. I just need to tell him that he can go to Hell.

Kokichi rolled his eyes and spit out the word, “Yes.” He instantly frowned and his eyes shot to the floor.

Shuichi smiled and turned back to the others, “Will you make sure that Maki gets back to her room, Kaito?” Kaito nodded and Shuichi glanced at Maki who pouted, “And actually stays there?” Kaito gave him a wide grin and a thumbs up.

Bleh, I wish I could say anything to wipe that stupid “heroic” grin off of Kaito’s face. Actually, I just wish I could say anything. This is the worssssst.

Shuichi and Kokichi made their way back to the dorms in silence. Partway through Kokichi began to lose balance again, so Shuichi insisted that Kokichi lean on him for support. Kokichi replied with an exhausted nod. Kokichi, being the smaller of the two males, forced Shuichi to lean over so that he could drape his arm around his shoulder. He leaned his body into the taller boy, and they began their journey once again.

He smells nice…

“Umm, thanks Kokichi…” Shuichi stammered.

“Oh god, did I say that out loud?” Kokichi’s face turned bright red.

Shuichi gave the boy a kind smile, “Yeah, you kind of did…”

Kokichi eyes immediately shot to the ground.

Jesus. I must be getting delirious. This is the most embarrassing day of my life.

The two continued, making the journey in a now awkward silence. As they got to the Kokichi’s room, Kokichi wrestled with the key until finally opening the door to his messy room. Shuichi helped the boy to his bed and sat him down.

“Do you…need anything else?” Shuichi looked down at his feet as he said it.

For you to leave!

“I’m hungry…and thirsty,” Kokichi whispered.

Ugh God dammit!

“I can go get Kirumi to make you something! What would you like?” Shuichi exclaimed, excited that he could be useful in some way.

Kokichi blushed at the enthusiastic boy, trying to ignore how cute he looked when he was excited, “I guess…soup.”

“Of course! I’ll be right back!”

The detective ran off, on a mission. When the door shut, Kokichi used the opportunity to let out a loud, dramatic sigh. He fell back and hit the pillow.

Shuichi is the worst person for me to be around right now. He’s a detective. He knows how to get information out of people, and now I can’t even lie to him. Also…it sucks that he’s so damn hot.

Kokichi had been attracted to Shuichi since the first time he had met him. He was a quiet, socially awkward boy, but the aura of mystery that he had around him was intoxicating. He seemed like he was always thinking, that his wheels were always spinning, coming up with new theories about everything.

Has he ever spent any of long periods of time thinking about me? Trying to figure me out?

Not only was Shuichi obviously incredibly intelligent with an eye for detail that no one could match, but the detective was incredibly caring and genuine about his feelings.

He knows the intricacies of the world, and how corrupt most people’s intentions are, and still chooses to wear his heart on his sleeve. It’s…I can’t do that…

As Kokichi was absorbed in his thoughts of Shuichi, the boy in question knocked.

“I have soup!”

“Come in…” Kokichi coughed.

Shuichi entered, carrying a very well presented tray, obviously set by Kirumi. The soup smelled amazing, and when the detective handed it over, Kokichi couldn’t help but take a big gulp.

“Ahh!”

“Oh! It’s still hot!” Shuichi exclaimed, quickly handing Kokichi the glass of water on the tray. Shuichi tried not to smile at Kokichi fanning his tongue with surprise. The Ultimate Supreme Leader looked so childlike and innocent.

As Kokichi gulped down the water, his eyes made contact with the concerned detective’s. He gave him a sheepish grin and reddened, “I should have known…”

Shuichi couldn’t help but let out a laugh, surprised at how strangely adorable Kokichi was acting.

“You have such a cute laugh, Shuichi!” Kokichi exclaimed, and then slapped a hand over his mouth, his face now entirely crimson.

“Th-thanks, Kokichi,” Shuichi decided to take the compliment in stride. After all, Kokichi couldn’t help it, and it was a rare instance where he knew Kokichi wasn’t secretly insulting him.

Kokichi placed the tray next to his bed and buried his face in his pillow.

I wasn’t even trying to say anything and that slipped out! The truth is getting harder and harder to contain! Why is this happening to me??

Kokichi felt his bed sink with pressure. He looked up to see that Shuichi had sat next to the sprawled boy. He placed a comforting hand on the boy’s upper back.

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Kokichi,” Shuichi said with a compassionate smile, “But can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to…”

Kokichi thought about it for a moment. Then slowly nodded.

“Well this disease is obviously very difficult for you. And I’m sure most people would hate it…I mean… not getting a say on whether you give a truthful, untruthful, or even partially true answer…would suck. But you’re really struggling, Kokichi. Why is it that you lie constantly? Do you hate the truth?”

Kokichi pondered, then slowly, logically, stated, “That’s more than one question.” He smirked at his ability to still give at least a partially sarcastic response.

Shuichi chuckled, “Then the first one then. Why is it that you lie constantly?”

Do I even know the answer to that question? I’m sure I did initially, but I’ve been lying to myself for so long that I don’t know if any answer I give would be a truly honest answer.

“To protect myself. Fear, insecurities, feelings… they all can be detrimental. But lies protect you. From enemies, friends… even yourself. Lying is my armor.” Kokichi left his mouth agape as the answer escaped his lips. He knew it was true even though he hadn’t been able to come up with it on his own.

Shuichi nodded in understanding, “Thank you for your honesty, Kokichi.”

Kokichi smiled. He tried to say no problem, but instead said, “I hadn’t even admitted that to myself before.”

I hate this stupid, goddamn disease!

The boy punched the pillow in frustration. Shuichi reached out instinctually and touched Kokichi’s forearm. The boy jerked away from the detective and glared.

“Oh I’m sorry!” Apologized the embarrassed detective, “I’ll l-let you get some rest…”

The boy quickly exited the room, assuming that the other was angry with him. As Shuichi closed the door, Kokichi’s face softened into a regretful frown, and he let a quiet word escape his lips.

“Stay…”

 ----------------

Kokichi awoke with a start. He tried to jump up, but then the previous day’s events hit him like a truck. Or that was possibly the feeling of his head pounding. The sick boy recalled the illness that had befallen the group of students, effecting him and Maki, at the very least. He also recalled the unusual interaction with Shuichi and his face flushed.

He probably thinks I hate him. Well… that’s actually a good thing for both of us. But still, it bothers me if I made him sad for no reason. And it pisses me off that it bothers me!

Thinking about that made Kokichi’s face turn an even darker shade of red. It was in that moment that he heard a knock at the door.

“Come in!” Kokichi silently groaned at how friendly his voice sounded.

Shuichi opened the door slowly, “You s-sound like you feel better.”

As he entered he saw Kokichi’s extremely red face and his eyes widened.

“Did your fever get worse?” He ran over and placed his hand on Kokichi’s forehead, “You feel really warm!”

He suddenly backed up several steps, “I’m sorry! I didn’t m-mean to invade your personal space. I was just w-worried.”

“I don’t mind it when it’s you, Shuichi.”

Great. Thanks despair disease. Wording my answer like some stupid school girl with a crush. Appreciate that.

Luckily for Kokichi, Shuichi didn’t read too much into it and just sighed in relief, “That’s good to hear,” he paused and presented an embarrassed smile, “I felt bad about yesterday, and came to apologize.”

“I wasn’t mad at you, I was irritated with the disease,” Kokichi sighed.

That wasn’t too bad. That was along the lines of what I actually wanted to say.

Shuichi smiled wider, “Oh good!” he then backtracked, “Oh not good that you were irritated! It sucks that you are dealing with the despair disease! But good that we’re… good!”

Kokichi smiled weakly as he listened to the nervous boy’s ramblings. His head pounded more intensely as ever, and before he knew it, he fell back into his pillow and fainted.

As he drifted into blackness, he heard the boy exclaim in nervous confusion. He replied to quell his fear, or at least he tried.

“You’re so cute…when you’re worried about…me.”

 ------------

Kokichi was pulled back to the land of the living when he felt a sudden cold sensation on his head.

“Ah!”

“Oh he’s awake. Splendid.”

Kokichi opened his eyes to Kirumi’s face in front of his own.

“Aww. You’re not Shuichi.” Kokichi face flared red as the words escaped his lips.

“Oh, I’m r-right here... Kokichi,” the detective pulled his hat in front of his face to hide his blush as he answered.

Kirumi seemed unfazed by the interaction, “Keep the cold washcloth on his forehead and change it every few hours. His fever has gone down a bit. Now I must go help tend to Angie. Himiko and Tenko are having a difficult time.”

Shuichi thanked her as she left.

“So it is spreading after all?” Kokichi asked, with genuine curiosity.

“Y-yeah.”

“Well you should go so that you don’t catch it,” Kokichi said matter-of-factly.

And so I don’t say anything embarrassing. Stupid, cute Shuichi. This is all his fault.

“Do you really want me to go?”

Kokichi shook his head yes while his mouth said, “No…I’d like you to stay- UGH!”

Kokichi covered his eyes with his forearm and with an exasperated sigh said, “I hate this place. You know that? I hate it so much. I just want to go home.”

Shuichi gave the small boy a caring look, “You always act like you’re enjoying the killing game. Being here. I guess it makes sense that that would be a lie.”

“Yeah. Who would ever want to play a game that you’re forced to play?” He sat up and pouted at Shuichi.

The sight made the detective grin, “Well, the good thing is that you look like you feel better than yesterday!”

Kokichi placed his hands behind his head and leaned against his headboard, “I do feel better. Still can’t lie though! Neeheehee”

It’s not as clever or eloquent as what I was going to say, but I’ll take it! As long as I don’t say anything else embarrassing about Shuichi, I should be good!

“It’s good to hear your laugh again, Kokichi,” Shuichi grinned, “Now can I do anything for you?”

Ugh his smile is so sexy. Ignore it. You’re hungry right? Ask for some soup, Kokichi.

“You can kiss me!” Kokichi exclaimed.

That is not soup! Oh my fucking God, that’s not soup at all. Fuck fuck fucking shit fuck-

Shuichi leaned over and placed his lips on the supreme leader’s own, blushing all the while. It was just a second long peck, and then the detective pulled away and quickly pulled down his hat lower than either one of them thought it could possibly go.

“W-why did you do that, Shuichi?” A bewildered Kokichi stuttered.

“…Well you did t-tell me to…” Shuichi replied.

Kokichi frowned, “That’s so not a good answer.”

“It just made m-me so happy.”

“What?” Kokichi looked up in surprise. He saw that Shuichi eyes were wide and honest.

“The d-disease. I was so thrilled that you would have to tell the truth, because I could finally figure out what you really thought of me. I like you, Kokichi. You’re…fascinating. And then when you told me to kiss you…but you probably didn’t even mean to. I’m such a selfish person. You’ve been suffering and I’ve been taking advantage of that. I just w-wanted to be around you.”

A single tear rolled down the boy’s face. Kokichi reached out and slowly removed the detective’s hat to discover a messy mop of navy hair underneath. He also finally got a full view of Shuichi’s eyes.

They’re beautiful. From under the hat they looked grey, but as the florescent light hit, they shone a strange mix of silver and gold.

Kokichi reached out and wiped away the tears flowing from those eyes. He then leaned over and kissed the shaking boy’s lips. It was gentle and warm, very unlike Kokichi’s regular demeanor.

Shuichi’s eyes widened and he kissed back. He broke it again and stammered, “B-but…”

“Shuichi. I am so happy you’re here. And I’m actually happy that I had to tell you the truth. But I’m happiest of all that you kissed me.”

I had no intention of being this honest with him. I had no intention of being honest with him in the slightest. But in this case, the truth…it wasn’t so bad.

Shuichi grinned and tackled the smaller boy.

“Ugh, I am still sick, ya know!”

The two giggled and Shuichi planted a kiss on the ultimate supreme leader.

[samethstarr]

Getting it together!

Something has come up that I feel a need to address out loud and has been weighing extremely heavy on me the last week or so. TLDR: I am dropping projects and commitments because I can’t manage grief in a healthy way. But I am ok. But damn.

tw for medical stuff, blood, depression, and weird metaphors.

I don’t remember this, but 8 years ago I enrolled myself in art school and moved to the city. Some time during my first semester, I got severely ill with a nerve problem. I lost the ability to use my hands, or even walk. Naturally, it is hard to do art school when you can’t hold a pencil, so I dropped out.

I thought I had gotten over it, but the recent push to improve my art has reminded me that I used to be really ambitious about it. I kinda resent that I lost that opportunity, even though it was never in my control. My therapist has told me multiple times that I need to stop with the art stuff and maybe find a new hobby that doesn’t trigger my emotions as much. Frustrating as hell. I am trying really hard, just a tough barrier to break through. “What ifs” aren’t real and I need to stop sitting on them. Imaginary things make shitty chairs.

Other stuff too:

December 10th I received the new that they would be stopping any further medical probing, I am beyond current medicine. While I have been able to walk unassisted for over a year now, and I am getting more steady at drawing, my medical condition has always been looming in the background. I am able to stay awake for a full day only with the aid of medication. My liver sometimes hurts for no reason. I still occasionally have issues eating.

I thought I was managing pretty well, keeping up my commitments with a smile, looking on the bright side, setting goals.

But really I was shoving my emotional baggage in the corner and painting a wholesome smile on it.

A pile of things has led me to crash, and the tipping point was a few days ago when I woke up covered in my own blood realized how sick I am of seeing it. Random intestinal bleeds, medical tests, IVs gone wrong, my teeth breaking from my jaw clenching, the dark bruises on my legs, the infections, the organ swelling. The reminder of how fragile I can be. 

But all this forced positivity has stopped me from really examining the reality of the situation, and it has prevented my from doing something really important.

I haven’t given myself the chance to mourn the person I wanted to be. My illness killed them and I can’t keep hauling their corpse around, they are kinda bloated and smell funny. Reality is reality. There are some things out of my reach and I need to stop telling myself that smiles and sunshine is what I need to get past this.

I didn’t just want to be an artist. I wanted to be a carpenter, I wanted to be a firefighter, I wanted go on hikes on all the beautiful trails. I wanted to go to conventions around the world. I wanted people to be inspired by me. Some of these are still possible, of course, but some aren’t realistic anymore and I need to let go.

Anyway, depressing stuff aside. I need to focus on moving on in a healthy manner now, addressing the issue head on. I have dropped most of my commitments at this point, including a lot of my volunteer duties and projects. I am no longer taking art commissions. I have deactivated some of my social media accounts. I am putting comic production aside for now, I have decided to limit my projects to a single long term personal project, which will be my fan fiction, Threadbound. I will likely pick up “My Onion” again after things stabilize, I am too far into the planning to just drop it and I am really enthusiastic about it.

My primary focus for now is me, and I am only sharing myself if I get something wholesome out of it. I am not sacrificing any more for anyone. I am going to get my house cleaned up. I am starting up with a fitness coach soon. Maybe I should get an unexpectedly wild haircut?  I am hoping this all will reduce the amount of stress I feel and make my life a little bit happier for me. A real, healthy positive energy flow will do me a lot of good.

And even though I have given up a lot of stuff in a short amount of time, I am proud of what I have done and what I have learned and I am happy to have met all the people I have met. None of it was a waste.

[manage-mischief]

The Negative

PART ONE

Read on AO3 here. 

Summary: Two-shot inspired by the song from “Waitress.” In which Tonks knows something’s wrong—she just doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Good thing Molly and Fleur are there to offer some support.

Author’s Note: This fic is inspired by the song from “Waitress,” the musical. If you haven’t heard it, definitely give it a listen. Some of the dialogue is included here. This work is focused on Tonks as a character, because she was really underdeveloped in the last book. Since we clearly saw Remus freak out when he found out about Teddy, this is me assuming that Tonks did, too. I tried to get the timeline right as best as possible. It’s a bit confusing in the Deathly Hallows, tbh. Anyways, here’s the story. Equal parts fluff and angst. I’m new to fanfic writing, so any kind feedback is appreciated! P.S. I refuse to write Fleur’s dialogue in that horrid French-style that JK used. I omitted her “h’s,” but that’s it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Waitress. What I do own is…nothing. I own nothing.

“Come now, poppet. It’s better to know,” Molly cooed as she rubbed Tonks’ back in slow, soothing circles.

“It is probably nothing,” Fleur nodded encouragingly.

Tonks withdrew her head from between her knees to glare at the Frenchwoman. It sure as hell wasn’t nothing.

The last few months of her life had been absolutely perfect. After a long and arduous battle, Tonks had finally dragged Remus down the aisle. Well…it was a lot more romantic than she made it sound. The couple had wed in a small, intimate ceremony earlier that summer. They both knew there was no stopping the impending darkness of war that was fast approaching, but nonetheless, had decided to spend whatever time they had left together: a massive “up yours” to Voldie and his goons.

True, life since their union had been a bit hectic. When they weren’t working undercover for the Order, they spent all of their time together in their bedroom—the only room in their small London flat that got any proper use. Undoubtedly, that’s how Tonks had ended up in her current predicament. After being late, followed by several days of morning sickness, she was fairly certain she was pregnant.

“Here, we have the test, we’ll soon find out. It will all be fine.” The kindly ginger handed her a cookie and a cup of tea.

Merlin bless Molly Weasley. After concluding that her illness may be more than a common stomach bug, Tonks had visited The Burrow straight away. She wasn’t exactly sure why. She could have gone to her parents’ place, both of whom would have been thrilled about their daughter’s growing family. Somehow, though, the prospect of going to her mum and dad with such news had terrified her. It made the situation more real. And Tonks was not ready to accept that any of this was really happening. 

It wasn’t that she didn’t want kids. In all honesty, she had never really thought about it. She still felt like a kid herself. Plus, with the current violence sweeping their world, now was certainly not the time to be thinking about new life. She had never even discussed the prospect of a family with Remus. But, she was sure that even if he did want children—something she slightly doubted, given his anxieties about his condition—he would agree that now was nowhere near the proper time to start a family. Oh Merlin. She hadn’t yet considered how Remus would react. Her nausea returned. She groaned and brought her head back between her knees.

“Oh my, is she going to be alright?” Fleur questioned Molly as if Tonks wasn’t there. “She looks like she is going to faint! Poor thing!”

“Maybe I’d feel better if I broke your nose,” Tonks growled.

“It must be the ‘ormones,” Fleur remarked, throwing a look of pity in Tonks’s direction. That did it. Tonks rose from her chair, fully intending to draw her wand and wipe that look off of the blonde’s pretty little face. Molly was quicker. She firmly placed herself in between the two younger witches.

“Alright now, let’s all calm down and let Tonks take her test.”

“Calm down? Calm down?!” Tonks was shaking. “How can I calm down! This is a bloody disaster! I’m… I’m not ready for any of this. Remus isn’t ready!” Her voice broke. She collapsed back into her chair. Merlin’s pants, she had never been so emotional before in her life! Perhaps Fleur had been right about the hormones.

Molly kneeled in front of the anxious witch and stroked her hair. “We don’t even know if there’s anything to panic about yet. Let’s not jump to conclusions.”

“So, you think there’s a chance I’m not pregnant?”

Molly pursed her lips. “Well there’s always a chance,” she replied, unconvincingly. “But you’ll feel better once you know for sure. Isn’t that right, Fleur? Don’t you think Tonks should take the test and find out?”

“Oh yes. It will be much better to know for sure. I ‘ope you drank enough of your tea. Apparently, this Muggle test requires you to pee on it! Quite odd!” Fleur cheerfully opened the little box containing the pregnancy test they had hastily picked up at the pharmacy in town. Tonks was hoping to avoid a trip to St. Mungo’s until she deemed it absolutely necessary. There were too many prying eyes at the hospital for her liking. Merlin forbid some loose-lipped colleague of hers spotted her in the Magical Maternity Ward…

She sat up properly. “Alright. What do I do with that thing?”

Molly walked across the small kitchen to Fleur’s side. “Read us the instructions, Fleur. What does the box say?”

“’N’insérez pas le bâton dans vôtre…’”

“English, Fleur!”

“’Do not insert the test stick into your vagina.’”

Molly rolled her eyes, exasperated. “Wow! Thank you, Fleur!”

“I am sorry. That is obvious…I am getting nervous!”

“You’re getting nervous?” Tonks wasn’t sure she had made the right decision by coming to Molly’s after all.

At least all of the antics allowed for a momentary distraction. She joined the Weasley women on the other side of the kitchen. “Fine. Gimme the damn stick!” She yanked it from Fleur’s hands and headed for the loo, slamming the door behind her.

Sitting down on the toilet, she stared at the small object in her hands. What would this mean for her marriage? Was a kid really something she was ready to handle? She was snapped out of the beginnings of what would have been the day’s fifty-seventh panic attack by the sound of scuffling outside the bathroom door.

“I cannot ‘ear peeing. ‘As she done it yet?”

“Shhhh, give her some privacy! She’s clearly terrified, poor thing. Why, I remember when I found out about Bill…”

Oh, for the love of…

“I can hear you, you know!” Tonks shouted. The whispering stopped. Footsteps quickly retreated from the door. After a few more moments of existential crisis, she finally took the test.

Tonks emerged from the loo and found her companions sitting inconspicuously at the table. Molly was staring blankly at a copy of Witch Weekly, while Fleur was holding the latest issue of The Daily Prophet, whistling. Both were failing miserably in their attempts to act casual. Fleur peeked her head out above the paper. “Oh, are you finished? I ‘ave been reading the news this whole time. I did not notice. Did you know Rita Skeeter is writing a book about Dumbledore?”

Tonks rolled her eyes. “Fascinating. So, how do I find out the results?” She shook the stick, which she had wrapped in toilet paper, as it was now covered in her pee. She wrinkled her nose. Did Muggles really live like this?

Fleur dug the paper instructions out of the empty cardboard box. “You will ‘ave to wait three minutes, and then lines will appear. One line means it is negative and two means it is positive.”

“Well, let’s focus on the negative, shall we?” Tonks sarcastically quipped, flopping down beside Molly at the table. She picked up The Daily Prophet that Fleur had been pretending to read and immediately regretted it. The headlines stood out in thick, black ink as she flipped through the pages.

Five Wizards Killed in Mystery Attack

The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore: Rita Skeeter Reports

Dolores Umbridge Continues Crusade Against Half-Breeds, Muggle-Borns

She hastily crumpled up the newspaper and tossed it into the hearth. Molly and Fleur stared at her, surprised.

“Piece of rubbish, anyways,” Tonks whispered. In reality, she had been frightened. Too many horrible things were happening in the world, and the thought of bringing a child into being at such a time felt extremely irresponsible. “How long has it been?”

“Thirty-six seconds.”

“Dammit.”

“Thirty-eight seconds…”

“Okay!”

“Thirty-nine…”

“Let’s change the subject, shall we?” Molly came to the rescue, yet again. “Fleur how is construction on the cottage going?”

“Oh, it is quite wonderful! Bill ‘as been marvelous. ‘E ‘as built it so our room overlooks the sea. It is very beautiful. I cannot wait to move in for real. And I am sure you will be glad when we are out of your ‘air, Molly.”

“Oh, no, I will miss you both dearly,” Molly assured her daughter-in-law, though the hint of excitement in her words betrayed her. Though the two women had got on much better since Bill’s attack, their very different personalities often clashed. It was probably best for the both of them to get some distance.

Tonks’s leg was bouncing up and down at the table as she fruitlessly attempted to take her mind off of the time that seemed to be moving cursedly slow. “How long has it been, now?”

“One minute and twenty-three seconds.”

Tonks groaned impatiently. “How’d I ever get myself into this mess?”

“Well, did you not use protection? I thought you and Remus were very careful about that sort of thing,” Fleur innocently questioned. She immediately winced, and Tonks was quite sure that Molly had kicked the girl underneath the table.

The Auror felt her face flush. “Well, he got me drunk,” she replied, defensively. “I do stupid things when I drink…”

“Stupid things, like sleep with your ‘usband?” Fleur giggled. The girl was ballsy, Tonks had to give her credit. If she hadn’t been filled with crippling anxiety, she would have appreciated Fleur’s positivity and wit.

Molly suppressed a laugh. “Focus, Fleur. We’re trying to take Tonks’s mind off of her… predicament.” Molly chose her words carefully. “Remember. We’re focusing on the negative!” She smiled optimistically at the metamorphmagus.

“Well, the test could be negative. What if…maybe, ah, what is the expression…maybe Remus’s wand does not cast any spells…if you know what I mean. That would be lucky!”

The other two women choked. Tea spurted out of Tonks’s nose. Molly huffed. “Oh yes, miraculously lucky, to get away with an unprotected f—“

“Funny how one night can ruin your entire life,” Tonks lamented. How she was going to survive this last minute, she didn’t know. Fighting Death Eaters was less nerve-wracking.

“Just, calm down, goddammit!” Molly snapped, clearly getting anxious herself. There was only so much complaining the mother of seven could take. “Let’s all just pull ourselves together! Now,” she chided.  

The three women sat in silence, shocked by Molly’s outburst. Tonks had the unshakable feeling of having been scolded by her mother. She gazed at her hands shamefully, picking at her fingernails until Fleur spoke once more. “The test should be finished.”

Tonks’s heart flip-flopped in her chest. “I can’t look. One of you do it.”

Fleur eagerly reached for the test, but Molly held her back. Her face was stern. “You can, and you will, Tonks. It will all be alright.” Her eyes softened.

“It was only one night,” Fleur added. That did nothing to assuage Tonks’s fears. She could hear the seconds ticking by on the clock. Her stomach was in knots. But, she knew that they were right. She had to find out the truth. Whatever the result.

“One line. One line,” she chanted to herself. Fleur nodded encouragingly. Molly remained still, her face unreadable.

Tonks picked up the test, carefully unwrapping it, as if it were a Hippogriff that would attack if she approached it too quickly. “This is it.”

She turned the stick over in her hands, only vaguely disgusted by the fact that she had peed on it not five minutes earlier.

“Shit.”

[slutforgoodliterature]

Bucky Barnes x Reader - Mischief Managed (barely)

Prompt: You and your boyfriend Bucky are sick of all the team meetings Steve keeps dragging you into. He finds a fun way to pass the time, and you are at the brunt of said fun. 

Warnings: vaginal fingering, public

“I refuse to believe Steve has called yet another team meeting.” You grumble. Bucky shakes his head at you, completely exasperated as well. 

“I know, Y/N, but we gotta go. Can’t let Cap down.” He sends you a small smile, reaching out a hand for you to grab so he can pull you off the bed, where you currently are curled up in a heap. “I mean if we don’t turn up, who is?” He tacks on, and you have to agree with him. 

As much as you love Steve, the guy can be a bit overbearing. 

Sighing, you allow your boyfriend to drag you off the bed. “Fine,” you huff, “but I want to make it clear I am going against my will.” He smirks at you and swiftly tickles the skin of your stomach that appears as you are pulling on a jumper. His jumper, to be exact.

Squealing, you grab his hand before yanking it behind his arm, twisting him into submission.  

“Ok, ok! No more tickling.” He chuckles, and you shove him hard as you let go just so he gets the message.

“Try it again, and you’re sleeping on the floor, Barnes.” You warn him. 

Tickles are not a game.

As you exit your room, he has to rotate his metal arm in his shoulder socket to put it back into place, and you feel a little guilty.

“Jeez, you really did a number on me in there, didn’t ya, doll?” He jokes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so rough. I just hate tickling, you know that.” You apologise, gripping his hand tightly. He squeezes back. 

“I also know you like it rough, so no need to apologise, princess.” He murmurs back, his head ducked into your ear, and you blush hard. 

“Pipe down, soldier. We wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself in front of all your friends.” You mumble back, but warmth is already pooling in your lower stomach.

“Mm, you’re right. We really wouldn’t want that.” He hums, but you can see there’s a mischevious glint in his eyes.

“Nuh-uh. I know that look.” You poke his chest playfully. “What are you up to?” You demand, drawing him to a stop just outside the door to the conference room, where all your fellow Avengers are waiting. 

He simply raises an eyebrow, looking at you innocently. “No idea what you’re on about, dollface.” 

You don’t believe him, not one bit, but you allow him to lead you into the room anyway.

You definitely should’ve known better.

“Bucky, Y/N. Glad to see you two could make it.” Steve nods at you both as you take seats at the far end of the table, next to Nat and across from Bruce and Sam, who has his feet propped up on the table and a hat tilted over his face. He is definitely asleep. 

Bucky sends his chair a kick from under the table, causing him to jerk awake with a yelp.

“Who did that?” He demands, scouring the room until he catches Bucky’s barely concealed snicker. 

“Watch it, Tin Man.” Sam threatens, to which Bucky rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest menacingly, but you couldn’t help admire the way the fabric of his shirt stretched across his pecs. 

Did it get hotter in here, or is that just you? 

“Or what, Big Bird?”

Sam opens his mouth to retort but Steve butts in, shutting it down.

“Enough, you two!” He massages the bridge of his nose, looking every bit the tired mother he is. “If I wanted to babysit, I would’ve invited Queens.” Both Sam and Bucky shoot each other a final look before Bucky shifts his chair closer to you, facing away from Sam. 

“God, you’re gonna give the poor guy an aneurysm.” You whisper to Bucky, the two of you laughing quietly to each other as you watch Steve attempt to use the complicated technology of Stark Tower. 

“Either that or his pen is gonna snap.” Bucky points out the tight grip Steve has on a pen, that really does look like it’s in imminent danger, and you can’t help but giggle. 

“Barnes. Y/L/N. Shut up.” Tony’s voice rings out, sending you two a half-hearted glare. 

“Sorry, dad.” You smile back, ignoring Steves exasperated sigh. 

“Moving on...” He stresses, gesturing back to the blueprints of some Hydra facility you were planning on breaking into. 

You try to zone in, you really do, but all of a sudden Bucky’s hand is sliding up your thigh and omg is he serious right now?!

“Bucky!” You whisper hiss at him, gripping his metal wrist with your hand. “What the fuck are you playing at?”

“More like who.” He smirks as he whispers to you under his breath. He captures your intense gaze as his arm continues his way up your leg, the inhuman strength of his metal arm no match for you.

And let’s be honest, you aren’t exactly trying all that hard to stop him. 

“Eyes front, Barnes.” Steve orders, tearing Bucky’s gaze away from your flushed cheeks.

“Sir, yes sir.” He sends a mock salute to Steve, who rolls his eyes at his best friend. 

“Y/N, you all good down there?” Wanda asks, ever concerned. You’re about to tell her that yes, you are just dandy, when Bucky's hand cups your core. You suck in a harsh breath and have to stop yourself from nearly jumping out of your seat. 

“She’s fine, just ate some bad prawns at lunch,” Bucky reassures Wanda, who is stilling looking for you to reassure her. You nod at her, sending her a thankful smile, which finally puts her at ease and draws attention away from you and your conniving boyfriend. 

“Prawns?” You hiss, clenching your thighs together as his hand slowly rubs you through your gym leggings, which are very thin, mind you. 

“Shh,” he shushes you, “only you and I know that it wasn’t prawns you had in your mouth at lunch.” He smirks evilly at you before applying more pressure to his wandering hand.

A hell of a lot more pressure. Holy fuckkkk...

“You...you...sonuvabitch.” You swear under your breath, and all of a sudden you notice your hand is no longer pushing him away, but gripping his wrist tightly; pulling him closer. 

“Language, Cap might hear you.” He looks casually back up to Steve, who hasn’t noticed a damn thing. Neither has the rest of the table, for which you thank your lucky stars. “I’m sure he wouldn’t like to hear those words come out of such a pretty mouth. But I guess that mouth of yours can also-”

“Oh shut up, Barnes.” You groan, your eyes fluttering closed as his fingers begin paying special attention to a certain bundle of nerves. 

“You havin’ fun, princess?” His breath fans across your face. “You like having me touch you like that?”

“Bucky, I swear to god...” You curse, bringing everybody’s eyes back on you two. 

“Woah, Y/N, you really don’t look well,” Bruce says in a worried tone. Murmurs of agreement sound throughout the whole room. 

“You’re right, I am feeling kinda ill...” You agree, fanning your face for effect. Bucky rolls his eyes, which you catch out of the corner of your eye, and increases the speed and pressure of his fingers, making your eyes bulge. “I think I should go-” 

The knot in the pit of your stomach is building steadily, and you can feel an intense orgasm rushing towards you. 

“Can you just wait two more minutes, Y/N?” Tony asks, annoyed that you have yet again interrupted the meeting. “We’re almost done here. Unless you’re gonna spew of course, then, by all means, take it outside. I do not want you ruining my carpet.” 

“She’ll be fine. You can hold on a couple more minutes, can’t you, babe?” Bucky replies before you have the chance to, challenging you with his eyes. 

Always a sucker for a challenge, you find yourself nodding. 

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be fine.” You assure everyone, gesturing to Tony and Steve to continue with the plans. 

“Brilliant. So after Wanda and Vision intercept group C here...” Steves' voice trails off in your head as you are completely consumed by the sensations Bucky is causing you at the moment. 

“Fuck...Bucky, baby, I don’t know how much longer...” your breath is now coming out in harsh pants, your almost legs trembling with pleasure. His fingers continue working you, circling and tapping and overall just driving you absolutely insane. 

“You’re loving this, aren’t ya, doll? My filthy girl.” You can hear the smirk in his voice, how he loves that he can dissolve you into a panting, trembling mess with just his fingers. “I’m gonna make you cum, and I haven’t even touched you yet, not really.”

He began to push his fingers into your clit, hard, and keep them circling there. You let out a litany of swears under your breath. “So close, James. Fuck...” 

“Come on, princess. Let go. Cum for me in front of everyone.” His gruff voice sends you over the edge. 

As your orgasm crashes through you, you have to bite down on your knuckles to contain your moans. Bucky’s fingers continue their torturous pressure, rising you through the throes of pleasure until your body is twitching and your other hand scrabbles at his, attempting to push it away from you. 

“Jeez, what’s up with you, girly?” Sam asks, concerned, and you open your eyes to realise that everyone is staring at you and Bucky. You face is completely flushed and his hand is not-so-inconspicuously placed between your legs. 

Bucky seems to have also forgotten your audience, as his eyes slowly focus, coming out of a daze. He presses a quick kiss to your forehead and removes his hand, gripping your thigh softly, his thumb rubbing soothing circles. 

“Sorry, I just thought tickling her would make her feel better.” He covers smoothly, and squeezes your thigh, making your knee jump and hit the table as you let out a yelp. “Who would’ve thought she hates tickles that much, eh?” He smiles innocently at everyone, who seems to buy his lie with rolled eyes and snickers. 

“Well, we’re finished here, did you get all that?” Steve addresses everyone and receives a few ‘yes sirs’ here and there along with a couple of thumbs up. 

“We’re finished here as well, aren’t we, dollface?” Bucky whispers to you, drawing a tired smile from you. 

“Just you wait, Barnes. Karma’s a bitch.” You pat him playfully on the cheek before sashaying out of the room, feeling his eyes burn into you as you swayed your hips teasingly. 

You couldn’t wait to get him back for that. 

[creative-type]

I recently read Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn on recommendation from a friend. Finished it in about a day, and have had it stuck in my head ever since. Not because I liked it -- quite the opposite, in fact -- but after finishing the last pages of the epilogue and setting the book down never to be revisited again, I had to ask myself a question:

Is it possible to read a book incorrectly? And if so, did I?

Spoilers and musings beyond the cut. Fair warning, Sharp Objects is a fairly dark book that covers some pretty heavy issues including cutting and abuse. Consider yourself warned

To start out with, I’m not a huge fan of death of the author. I do think the reader of a text has to take the effort to try and figure out what the author is trying to tell them. Consideration should be made for the time and place the work was written, the prevailing culture, and so on and so forth. A historical romance written today isn’t going to ever replicate completely the style of Jane Austin because the authors are drawing from two completely different frames of reference. Culture changes. Languages changes. How we tell stories changes. 

(Note: Not saying death of the author is inherently bad. It is just one of many systems of interpretation, and like every other system has its benefits and limitations. My hackles only raise when it becomes the only system of interpretation, as if it were intrinsically more valuable and valid than the rest /rant)

That being said, I think an author can be very subtle with the message they’re trying to send, or purposefully leave that message open to interpretation. And sometimes...sometimes sometimes the signals get crossed along the way, and the message that was intended never reaches the reader.

Which brings me to the point of this rambling mess of an analysis. I found Sharp Objects to be a dreary slog of a book. I knew it was dark going into the story, but there’s no levity inter-spaced between the overwhelming negativity to act as a reprieve between the elements of horror and tragedy. It has a very bleak opinion on the human condition in general and the small town the story takes place in particular. The ‘small town with a dark secret’ and the ‘family with a dark secret’ tropes are well-worn and familiar fodder for stories like these, but if I hadn’t read the author’s note at the end I would have thought that Flynn had never actually spent time in small-town America because it clashed so hard with my experience growing up in rural Iowa, the disconnect taking me out of the setting pretty early on. 

I’m sure some people enjoy this kind of storytelling -- and apparently enough did that they turned it into an HBO mini series -- but it’s not my cup of tea. Maybe it’s my small-town roots showing, but I was almost offended by the picture Flynn painted of the fictional town of Wind Gap. I can handle darkness, but not page after page, after stinking page of unlikable, mean-spirited bickering and backbiting. 

The mystery itself sparked enough curiosity to keep me engaged, but I’d pretty much figured out whodunit midway through the book on genre conventions alone. I figured about the fifth time someone remarked that the killer had to have been a man that it was probably going to be a woman, and was instantly suspicious that the main character’s sister’s illness was never named. 

About the same time I more or less knew who the killers likely were, I began to wonder if I was reading the book wrong. I was struck by how well-written the prose was, with several vivid descriptions helping carry me along even if I didn’t particularly like what was being described. The main character, a middling journalist named Camille, starts the book as a former cutter and current alcoholic, and her mental state goes downhill from there. At one point she takes Ecstasy with her (I think?) thirteen year old half-sister (who, along with their mother, never felt like an actually character to me and more like a collection of bizarre traits and behaviors smooshed together in the semblance of a human being. Like I said, there’s never really any doubt who the killers are) and later on has sex with a barely eighteen year old boy who happens to be the prime murder suspect. She’s in such a messed up state that she thinks the best way to make up for this lapse of judgement is to try and give a blow job to the lead detective of the case while they’re sitting in the police station. 

You know, as you do.

What made me think this way was the fact that the book’s written in the first person. I thought, if only for a moment, that perhaps we the reader was being led on by Camille’s own prejudice. It’s no secret that she hateed her hometown and the people she grew up with, and would rather leave her past behind than face the trauma she endured head on. No wonder she’s describing the sky before a rainstorm as the color of piss, or that she takes the time to mention a floating pube in the bath of a hotel on the way to Wind Gap. Of course all of her mother’s friend’s are equally as horrible as her mother, or that the girls she knew in high school would grow up to be just as shallow and vain. It made sense that she would describe the siblings of one of the victims as a fat, tantrum throwing girl and another as a dullard of a boy who would never amount to anything. A stubbornly pessimistic, barely functioning, disaster of a human being would see the negative in everything everywhere she went. 

All at once everything clicked into place, and I felt like the author and I were on the same wavelength. By the time I got three-quarters of the way through the book I could see it going one of two ways: 1) Camille would somehow be proven wrong about her assumptions and prejudices, which would in turn kick start some character development or 2) Camille would be right, and Wind Gap would be proven to be just as horrible as she already thought it was. I figured if that second option was taken it was likely for the story to have a somber, even tragic ending, as the weight of all these terrible secrets and pain broke our lead character completely. 

That’s...not what happened, and in strange display of pacing the true killer is only revealed during the epilogue (side note, I thought the reveal of where all the teeth were hidden was one of the best twists in the whole story). To be honest, it felt like the author tried to cram an entire sequel into the last 10 pages of the story, but long story short, Mama killed Camille’s sister during their childhood, but it was Baby Half Sister who did the present-day murders. After this stunning turn of events, Camille finds a knife and gives into the temptation she’d been fighting for the whole damn book, mutilating the one bit of unmarred skin she has left and the implication that she would have killed herself had someone not stopped her in time.

Ah, I thought to myself, tragedy it is. Not my favorite, but I could see how the author got from Point A to Point B and you could take a somber message about how the effect the environment a person is raised in affects them for the rest of their lives. 

If the book ended there I would have been fine with it. I still wouldn’t have liked it, but it would have made perfect sense. Instead we get this last little bit to tie all the loose ends neatly in a bow. Note this ending comes immediately after the relapse into self-mutilation, which itself burst onto the scene with very little warning and was over after one paragraph:

Curry and Eileen packed my things and took me into their home, where I have a bed and some space in what was once a basement rec room. All sharp objects have been locked up, but I haven’t tried too hard to get at them,

I am learning to be cared for. I am learning to be parented. I’ve returned to my childhood, the scene of the crime. Eileen and Curry wake me in the mornings and put me to bed with kisses (or in Curry’s case, a gentle chuck under the chin). I drink nothing stronger than the grap soda Curry favors. Eileen runs my bath and sometimes brushes my hair. It doesn’t give me chills, and we consider this a good sign. 

It is almost May 12, one year exactly from my return to Wind Gap. The date also happens to be Mother’s Day this year. Clever. Sometimes I think about that night caring for Amma, and how good I was at soothing her and calming her. I have dreams of washing Amma and drying her brow. I wake with my stomach turning and a sweaty upper lip. Was I good at caring for Amma because of kindness? Or did I like caring for Amma because I have Adora’s sickness? I waver between the two, especially at night, when my skin begins to pulse. 

Lately, I’ve been leaning toward kindness.

When I read that last sentence, the gears in head ground to an abrupt halt, and I immediately disconnected entirely from the story. Camille had spent the majority of this book being anything but kind. The only instance I can see that might fit into this characterization is an off-hand reference in the first chapter that her boss (the Curry mentioned here) thinks she’s too soft in her writing. 

I don’t know why these last paragraphs exist in this story. For all I know, the author couldn’t think of a way to finish the book and defaulted to a last-minute happy-ish ending. It is, after all, her debut novel. Hell, maybe it had been added at the insistence of her editor, or some other outside influence. 

Or maybe I’m just missing something. 

Death of the author demands that I, the reader, create my own meaning, but I simply can’t. Neither of the two readings I saw the potential for are supported by the text, and I find myself wandering back again and again to the matter of authorial intent. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out what the author’s trying to say. Either the story is too bleak to justify this...if not redemption, then healing for the main character, or the ending is too positive for the harsh and terrible world the author has gone through such pains to describe. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

There is a third option: That even though the world is just as terrible and awful as you thought it was, recovery is still possible. It seems to be what that last page implies, but this is the weakest reading of all, if only because it doesn’t have time to develop. Three paragraphs does not a character arc make, and Camille spent too much time moping around being miserable to even consider the possibility of closure.

I think this might have been what the author was going for. It fits well with the metanarriative of the mystery itself. But if so, it’s a message poorly communicated, and even now I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take from the book.  

Again, on a technical level it’s very well-written, and undoubtedly I’m putting too much thought into what’s otherwise a generic murder mystery.  But I also think it’s important for the author’s voice to be heard in their work, even if that message gets a little muddled along the way. 

[thealphabetmurders]

Soon To Be

(Previous) (Next)

Chapter 4: The Kids Aren’t Alright

Pairings: Analogical and Royality

Word Count: 1951 (chapter), 9295 (full)

Summary: Everyone had their vices nowadays. Information and ideas are conveyed too fast and quickly for anyone to stay sane without a little outside help. There are healthier coping mechanisms than others, some more effective than not, and Virgil has tried pretty much them all, and he has more shit to deal with than most. So whilst many found solace in sex, Smirnoff, and santa marta, Virgil was still smoking in 2019.

Triggers: Talk of self doubt, smoking, crying

Authors Note: I am suffering right now so I am going to make my characters suffer as well.

(Read on AO3)

“When you sat down on your lunch break with me, you ate a quarter of your sandwich and then put it back down because you ‘were not hungry’, despite not eating all day. According to Healthline, smoking can suppress your appetite can be suppressed while smoking by decreasing your sense of taste which can make eating less enjoyable. Once you stop smoking, you are more likely to be able to taste food fully again.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“I want you to live a long healthy life Virgil, however smoking exponentially increases your chance of lung cancer, according to the CDC, the Mayo Clinic, and every other health source in the world. Nevertheless, second hand smoke can be just as dangerous for others around you whether that be a roommate, or friend, or…. partner (?), and I am sure you would not want to hurt them.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“You came into work today even though you looked as if you had the Black Plague. Thankfully I came in just to see you (and Roman, I suppose), and did not order any food. This can be helped by quitting smoking, because your immune system lowers your ability to fight off infections because of smoking; these illnesses mainly consist of represtory tracts, though they are often times more susceptible to the common cold as well. I hate to see you unwell, I hope you are feeling better when I see you tomorrow.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

Virgil was having a weird day. He was only a couple hours into his shift and he already wanted to throw himself out of a window.

Firstly, his interaction with Patton as he was leaving was… Odd, to say the least. Normally his older roommate would love nothing more than to get him to stay and talk about anything and everything he wanted, almost causing Virgil to be late on some days.

However today, it seemed like he could not get him out the door fast enough.

“No, yea, I made you an egg and cheese sandwich for you to eat on your walk to work, I even added mustard, ‘cause I know you like it,” Patton hastily talked to Virgil as he was throwing said man’s lunch into a bag, very haphazardly.

“Can’t I just eat it here…?” Virgil asked at Patton laughed in a way that made Virgil cringe.

“No way, silly goose! If you do that you could be late again, what would you do without a job?” Patton beamed and Virgil half-chuckled weakly.

“Are you okay, Pat? You seem a bit… Off?”

Patton sighed and for a split second it looked as though he was going to say something, but changed his mind by shaking his head and smiling, “Nothing is wrong, just in a good mood today,”

Virgil frowned, but dropped the subject, “Okay… Oh, can I borrow your phone charger today, mine broke,” Patton nodded, shifting a bit where he stood, “Oh great, I will go grab it-”

“NO!” Patton yelled, making Virgil jump. “I mean, uh,” Patton cleared his throat, “No, I will go get it, my room is a mess,”

The shorter man practically threw the charger at Virgil and pushed him out the door. It was only halfway down the stairs that he realised he had forgotten his sandwich.

Virgil decided to forgo breakfast today.

Next, Roman had called in sick, which was odd seeing as he had just gotten sick not 3 weeks ago and rarely ever called into work. Virgil had to deal with his dramatics on the phone, something about “there is no cure” and “this may be the last you ever hear from me”, with the phone call inevitably ending with a short “see you tomorrow, V”.

Now, Virgil was walking on eggshells because he had to work with the owner of the company, Nelly. Nelly is a very rich manipulative boss who is very good at customer service but is terrifying. She also owns 5 different businesses, not including Marx, so she is rarely ever there, making the situation all the more anxiety inducing.

She also chain smokes like no other, so Virgil had been waiting almost 5 hours before being able to go outside to break, so he was a bit testy at this point.

He began thinking about Patton and how weird he was today, like he was hiding something from Virgil. He took any other drag of his cigarette and reasoned that his birthday was coming up relatively soon, so maybe he was planning something. Then again, his anxiety is telling him Patton is finally sick of his bullshit and just wants him away. But Patton loves everyone? What could be going on him? Why-

“Why are we always meeting like this?”

The cool as ice tone brought Virgil out of his daydream as the patio door opened and the imposing figure from his dreams walked through the door. Logan has since then forwent the bandage and just let the wound on his face air, but has clearly not learned his lesson on carrying four too many objects under one arm. Logan set down his stuff and Virgil blew the smoke quickly out of his mouth.

“We have met like 5 times, Logan,”

He quirked up an eyebrow, “And you are always smoking. Does that not constitute always if it is only a few?” Virgil shrugged as Logan opened a patio umbrella on the gorgeous April day, “A synonym for always is consistently, y’know,” Virgil chose not to respond again as he took another draw of his mostly lit cigarette. Normally he would want to engage in conversation, but his temper and plight towards his working situation today was nothing that nicotine or attractive men could sedate.

Logan pulled out his papers and laptop, turning it up to full brightness, and began writing notes  from a box of text Virgil couldn’t make out.

“I thought you were only here at night,” Virgil asked, seemingly uninterested.

The med student merely shrugged, never turning to face Virgil (whose was facing his back), “I was incentivized to come here today, for some reason,”

Virgil huffed, “Does it have anything to do with the little notes you have been leaving me?”

Virgil could only see the back of Logan’s head at this point, but he could tell he was grinning; his posture got a tad more loosened, his back muscles relaxed, he stopped typing, most likely to laugh in spite of himself. He move his right arm to his face, and the legs of his black frames adjusted more onto his ears.

“I was wondering if you had gotten those,” Logan took a deep breath of air in through his nose and tsked multiple times before returning to typing, “And it is evident you have not compartmentalized my fact yet,”

Virgil was tempted to throw his quartet lit cigarette at the back of Logan’s black locks, but opted for furiously crushing it under his foot instead, “Don’t give me that crap, Doctor Arias-”

“Soon-to-be, Doctor Ari-,” Logan corrected.

“Whatever,” Virgil threw his hands in the air frustrated and put them in his hoodie pockets, “You saw me smoking when you came out here, you didn’t not smell it in the air,” Virgil scoffed and put one foot against the wall, “The only thing I smell out here is your bullshit,”

Logan stopped typing and sighed, turning around to face Virgil for the first time in their conversation, “I apologise. From our previous interactions, your vernacular was quite sardonic and witty, so I thought you would appreciate a friendly repartee while also learning about the dangers of smoking. I was only trying to help.”

Virgil twisted his shoe that was suffocating the cigarette making the tobacco and paper spill all over the patio and under his shoe. He pulled on the loose threads of his jacket, setting his jaw and not wanting to look at Logan,the med student had barely talked to him today but was currently tap dancing on everyone single one of his nerves.

“Thanks for trying to help, but no thanks, Logan,” Virgil hissed at Logan, still not meeting his gaze, “I am not a fucking charity case, okay? I don’t need help from you or from any of your preppy doctor friends,”

“Soon-to-be doctor,” Logan muttered, and Virgil glared at him. Logan was looking down at his shoes.

“There are 35 million other Americans who smoke that are not me, so find someone else to be your little charity case or pet project-”

“Wait no. Virgil, please, you’re not just-” Logan started, but Virgil steamrolled over him.

“Okay? Because I don’t need anyone to fucking save me. I have been smoking for twice as long as you have been in your doctor program,” Virgil pulled his hand out of his pocket and held up a two in Logan’s direction, “I think I know a little more than you. I am not an experiment or an autopsy you can just pick the brain of. I don’t want your help,”

And with that, Virgil swung open the patio door, and closed it with enough force to shatter the glass it was made out of.

--

Virgil was still angry. He was angry with customers for being physically incapable of reading, angry with Nelly for scolding him about turn times during a rush when for half of that she was in the back on her phone, angry with Roman for calling in sick and forcing him to work with one of the teenagers for the last 3 hours of his shift, angry with Logan for trying to get him to quite smoking and being so damn nice and good and attractive, and angry with himself for being just an unfiltered moron. Virgil has never been good at controlling his temper.

Virgil was wiping down tables and just had a few odd jobs to do before he could go home and finally get started on his project. Virgil loved graphic design, he really did, and muses for his final come in odd places.

He saw that he just needed to take all the garbage cans out and then he could go home. Virgil went around to the three big cans in the store and only one was over halfway full. He changed that then went to change the smaller cans (near the creamer cart and outside). The creamer cart can was good and so was the outside trash can, he could tell that without even having to go outside.

However, Virgil looked down and saw the remnants of his fit of anger. The tobacco looked like sawdust spreading out over the patio like a graveyard of broken hearts. He groaned, knowing a metaphor like that means he has to go clean it up a bit.

Grabbing the broom and dustpan, Virgil opened the doors and took in the still April air; the weather is always the best right at sundown. The thought reminded him of the time he spent with Logan just at sunset a few nights ago. The coffee on his breath, the soft look of his lips…

Virgil shook those thoughts out of his head and swept the patio; it was quite nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of customers before he leaves. Just as he swept up the last scrap of paper, he sees something that looks oh too familiar to Virgil.

He creeps over to the table, an animal stalking his prey, and stares at the napkin on the table with a pen on top of it. Virgil looks around him quickly, well aware no one is watching, then snatches up the napkin (a bit too eager, he may add).

“Virgil, you are not experiment to me. I try to help because I care. I apologise for overstepping, though. If you do wish to communicate further, hand my pen back to me when I visit next. If not, just keep it (or throw it away). I do enjoy your company. You have become incredibly important to me in the short time we have known one another.

You did seem quite upset today, though. Research into smoking and stress has shown that instead of helping people to relax, smoking actually increases anxiety and tension. Nicotine creates an immediate sense of relaxation so people smoke in the belief that it reduces stress and anxiety. This feeling of relaxation is temporary and soon gives way to withdrawal symptoms and increased cravings. Smoking reduces nicotine withdrawal symptoms, which are similar to the symptoms of anxiety, but it does not reduce anxiety or deal with the underlying causes. Let me know if I can help you in any way. I care a lot about you, V.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist

Virgil reads the notes 5 times. Then once more for good measure. He pockets the note with the others in his wallet. He cannot stop blushing if he tried.

*****

“You’re good to go Virgil- Oi, why is your face so red? You gettin’ sick too?”

Virgil tripped out the door, holding his wallet in his hand, “Uh probably! Bye Nelly! See ya later!”

[dancekickboxcardio]

Weekend 🎊. I am back. I am tuned to New York Times while I write ✍🏾 my thoughts 💭 down on my iPhone 📱 X. I wonder what fun things 😍 I am going to do today. Yes, I am full of life, energy ⚡️ and excitement 🤩. It is a huge difference from the past few days and I can definitely tell I am better. I don’t need Advil. My nose 👃🏾 has a thick mucosal drainage and that’s ok. My immune system has been fighting whatever it is that compromised my bod. I have to shower 🚿. I haven’t in like days. Wawames just walked in. I have to pack 🧳 for the holiday 🎄 trip 🛣.

I was looking to starting slow on my first day back at the gym 🏃🏼‍♀️ 💪🏾. I am eager to see familiar faces and bid them the Merriest Christmas 🎁 as I take my leave for New Jersey and New York. If we stay in a hotel 🏨 which I have not asked, there is a gym 🏃🏼‍♀️ 💪🏾. Otherwise, I am stuck and can not get my system going in the next 5 days. I did say I have to pack 👗 right. I may not have new outfits with tags 🏷 but I have two unopened scarves 🧣. I have two new earrings 💎. That’s it. It’s ok. My priorities ⚠️ have somewhat shifted to my serious academic work at health club 🤦🏼‍♀️. It’s a personal me time and I work on issues such as coming up with the most inquisitive thoughts 💭 from efficiency 📊📈📉 to psychological underpinnings 🧠. I have made a schedule 🗓 of what I want to do today. Sadly,

I am a no go 🙅🏼‍♀️. My Mom is in early and she gave me the bad news. I have no time to prep and be dropped off 🚘 to work on my fitness 😕. It was a little bummer but I took it optimistically and know there are many things I can get busy ✍🏾🗒 with today. Allowance 💵 week 🎊🙏🏾. That’s my hands like an athlete 🎽 sliding together ready to perform my shopping 🛍 habit 😏. I was going to wear my new Zella’s 👖 today. Let it go 😏. What am I going to do today. Let’s brainstorm 🧐.

(1) Read a book 📚

(2) Twiddle 📲

(3) Shopping 🛍 plan, like what do I want to spend my little “paycheck.” Vie, it’s allowance 💵. Stop 🛑 dreaming like you have to earn what you need. Isn’t that what normal people do? Work for their living. I am like living ✨ and everything handed to me. This is so “frustrating.” I say this because I know my potential and value. I love 💕 where I am and I feel that I am doing important work. However, I entertain like a devil’s advocate what my life could be. It’s not crushing because I know where my heart ❤️ is and I concede. I am already a strong head as we know it. Funny 😆 how my temper is not met with masculine inability to handle what they do not understand with care and love 💕 and affection 🤗. It’s like I am coddled and engage in a communication of negotiation and explanation of what it feels 😦. My gawd, are you lucky 🍀.

(4) Watch TV 📺

(5) Pinterest 📍

(6) Study 📖

(7) Journal 📓

Yeah, it’s true I am the queen 👸🏼 of walking in delicate situations. That is like one of my gifts 🎁 . A great conciliator. It is also my weakness to understand and take so much. It is the worst of situation and I still have that tolerance and patience. What do you do? Be a royal 👑 mess.

You definitely can tell that I am in good health. I am joking 🙃, I am thinking 🤔 of the stuff that I want to do and must do and have that strength to actually do it.

I am still not sure what happened like how I got the strain of bacteria 🦠 or virus. That’s why I vigilantly clean 🧽 my mat and foam roller. I need to kill the microbes. Perhaps, it was already in me. I miscounted as usual when I do not think 💭 it through like I don’t pay attention and give a damn. Quick thoughtless spitfire. I was only sick 🤒 three days. Monday why didn’t I go? I only had 5 hours of sleep 💤 . Perhaps that late night 🌌 and lack of proper amounts of sleep 🛏 pushed the threshold of immune system defenses low. It still doesn’t point the vector. Where did I get it from? I went to the hospital 🏥 twice over the past seven days. I went Thursday to get a blood 🩸 draw and I went Monday to get the rest of my lab 🧪 completed. It was unsuccessful Monday and I only touched the door 🚪, the sign up stuff 🖊 and sat 🪑 on the waiting room. So how? Maybe it was already in your system. Yeah. I emailed📧 my doctor 🥼 and I have to check what she said esp who shall explain the results on my tests. I happily 😃 cooked 👩🏼‍🍳 even if most is perfectly burnt. I watched TV 📺. I was on my phone 📱 doing stuff and slept 🛏. I didn’t get to study 👓. Yes, you did. Right. I was pretty good in answering question raised by professor 👩🏻‍🏫. I am excited 😜 to continue today. I would like to plan next year. I have reminders on how I want to live 2020.

I love 💕 my seafood 🦞 casserole 🥘. I try not to eat 🍴 everyday. Thank God, breaded 🍞 fish 🐟. Yes, I have panko and regular bread 🥖 crumbs on my grocery list for next week 🛒. I shall be out of town.

When I woke up Tuesday I knew something is off. I can barely wake up for being weak. I had no fever 🤒 or headache 🤕 but I had no energy. I feel sick. I had muscleaches. I slept 🛏 and rested because it was imperative. I had chills. I drank tons of Advil 💊. I don’t believe I did anything but being stuck in bed 🛌 which is a surprise because I maybe ill 🤧 like almost every week after flu shot 💉 but I was functional and not totally unable to do a thing. Eating 🍽 was a chore. Yet I had to put nourishment in me. If not, I won’t have fuel ⛽️ to fight off the infection.

I feel like I finished Neruda Tuesday not Wednesday because I wanted to get over the Jerusalem book 📚 and I didn’t until Thursday. Right. I read Tuesday. I cannot tolerate being stuck in bed the entire day. I should change my sheets.

I had no caffeine ☕️ in my system for the past two days Wednesday and that’s ok. I don’t need that supercharge 🔌 because I wasn’t going to power 💥 through my day. I have no strength and energy. There is not way I am going to push the limits of my protective body mechanism. I noticed that I have an appetite. That’s good. But I am eating more than usual like I am craving and my diet was so uncontrolled. I had a sweet 😻 time with Jamesicle 🐈. Sparky is being a sweetheart today. He went up to me, leaned on my back and would like to be carried 😯. Hmmmmm.... love 💗 without having to dispense a treat 🍭. I wished I had finished the book 📚 but I was living life as I usually do. A cat 🐈 is talking. I love 💕 it. I am always distracted. I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️ about you but sometimes you want things exactly as you conceived it. I just pulled down my curtains. Lights in 🌞. But I was consciously telling myself to not be perfectionist and exactly how you want it. Life is not going ever to always be your way. But when it does, you see your ends. You adjust. I mean I wasn’t so frustrated that my new gym bags 💼 , the ones I like are all sold out 🏷. My gawd, the Roksanda was the perfect one. My second choice Betsey Johnson was gone the next day. Now what? Well, it wasn’t too hard of a choice if I should get a full price 💲💲💲💲💲💲Lululemon. Be honest with yourself. You only have three hundred dollars 💵 . Would it be less different if you get the carry on on sale? Right. It doesn’t define who I am. In fact it makes me respectable that I am not passing off what my little stipend can only afford. I don’t make these grandiose claims and when I do not have a show for it, I go around town making false claims to placate my juvenile tendencies 🙄. You are adulting. Ugh 😑, I know. Oh, there were $20 bottoms by Zella’s to Gottex so I am cool 😎. Spend $150 what’s supposed to be for coat 🧥 on them. Horrible in a sense. But who tells you precisely how to live your life. Those who are not happy 😃 and problematic or without in theirs.

I definitely was improving Thursday. I was greatly enthused 😃 when I completed ✔️ the Jerusalem book. I haven’t shared my musings 🖊 on passages that I highlighted by camera 📸 on the book. It checked off my 12 books for 12 months to complete the year 📆. I was feeling good and pat myself in the back because I did something good and I actually reached one of my annual goals🥅 , yay 😀 🎉. Oh, I shall put my impression plain. Wait a second.

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A post shared by Gal Glasses On (@book1234glitters) on Dec 19, 2019 at 3:17pm PST

It is a very heavy text considering that it wasn’t like a 300 pages literature. It was packed. I follow where my heart 💓 leans, the thread 🧵 which guides it and I stumbled into a perfect transition, Canterbury Tales. I was surprised 😮 to see myself delving into religion and realizing how my upbringing has some influence on how I see it. I wasn’t livid violent at each slights and insults. I was very calm and try to see what’s going on. You need to be less reactive and stand on what is right not on the tides of push buttons. It takes a certain strength to build yourself. It takes another to sustain peace ✌🏾.

I am not hungry 😋. It’s a Friday. I could expend my extra energy in thre treadmills and on the equipment floors . But I am cool 😌. I still have a lot of task 📝 to tackle. I am wearing my Apple Watch ⌚️ and esp yesterday to have like a monitor to tell if my heart beats are irregular. Like right not I am not at all uneasy 😬 and it’s not that my blood pumping organ was functioning erratically and strongly, I had some tightness in my chest. I may not have cellular function on it, but it shall alarm 🚨 when something is seriously 😒 not right and I can call emergency ⛑ medical 🏥 help in a jiffy. I can tell the huge calmed difference and on fit Americano ☕️ too. Shall I shower 🧼 with my new tech. What do I feel like doing? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Make it haphazard 🚧. There is literally like a book on it. Wait, let me pull it up.

I am like already living it. I am not alone 🔦.

[toosicktoocare]

@define-lying asked for Enjolras attempting to take care of a bunch of sickes (R, Ferre, and Courf). Here you go, love :)

Enjolras liked to think that he excelled at many things. He had a bright mind and a strong willingness to learn. He was breezing through university with high marks, and on the side, he was holding weekly club meetings for three different clubs. Things just came easy for him, so when all three of his roommates fell ill around the same time, he figured he would be able to handle it with poise and grace.

Boy was he wrong.

Combeferre had been first, not to anyone’s surprise considering he was working at the school clinic during the peak of flu season. Luckily for Enjolras, Combeferre took care of himself well. The second he started feeling off, he called out of work, assuming the worst, and he was right. Two days in and he was running a fever of 100.5 and coughing up a lung every five minutes.

Courfeyrac had taken to waiting on Combeferre hand and foot despite Combeferre’s protests of contagion, and sure enough, the following day had Courfeyrac moaning pitifully in bed. Enjolras had three papers that needed to be typed, but he had to put them aside for now. He was on sick duty since Grantaire was borderline a wreck thanks to a massive art piece that was going to be presented to a prestigious art gallery. He had holed himself up in his room and told Enjolras not to bother him unless someone was dying.

That left Enjolras with Combeferre, who was currently resting, and Courfeyrac, whose whines could be heard a mile away.

He went to Courfeyrac’s room first, anything to stop the whining. “What?” He asked, pushing the door open and flicking on the light.

“I’m cold,” Courfeyrac cried out, curling himself into a tight ball.

Enjolras moved towards the bed, slapping his hand rather forcefully onto Courfeyrac’s forehead. “It’s just the fever,” he said, annoyed.

“I know,” Courfeyrac said, drawing out the ‘o’. “But it’s making me really really cold.”

Enjolras sighed, crossing his arms. “Well you have to wait two more hours until you can have more medicine.”

“Enjolras,” Courfeyrac whined, dragging the name out. “Can you at least give me an extra blanket?”

Enjolras eyed the two blankets already piled on top of his friend wearily. “I’m not sure? Let me ask.” He left the room and made his way to Combeferre’s room. “Ferre?” He called out quietly as he pushed the door open.

“Hmm?”

Enjolras walked in, leaving the light off. Combeferre had been battling a pretty bad headache on and off all day, and the last thing Enjolras wanted to do was irritate it any further.

“How are you feeling?” He started, moving quietly towards the bed.

“Alright,” Combeferre answered, but his hoarse voice contradicted his statement. “How’s Courf?”

Enjolras frowned, making a mental note to bring more tea in next time he came. “He’s cold because of his fever. He already has his blanket and mine, but he’s asking for another.”

“Don’t,” Combeferre answered firmly despite his weak voice. “He’ll overheat.”

Enjolras nodded and made to leave the room to deliver the bad news to Courfeyrac.

“And R?”

Enjolras stopped, half way out the door. “What?” He asked, looking over his shoulder at Combeferre.

“How is he?”

“Fine?” Enjolras fully turned to face Combeferre. “He’s been working on his art piece. Why?”

“Has he eaten?”

Of course, Enjolras thought to himself. Here Combeferre was layed up with the flu, and he was worrying about everyone else. “I don’t know? He told me not to bother him.”

Combeferre sighed. “He’s just as bad as you when it comes to self-preservation. Go take him food.”

Enjolras frowned but nodded. He moved to the kitchen, rummaging through cabinets until he found a few cans of soup. He figured he’d just go ahead and make a big pot of soup for everyone because that was a thing for sick people– according to Combeferre at least.

He couldn’t help the smile pulling at his lips when he tasted the soup to find that it actually tasted decent. He turned the burner on low before pouring some soup into a bowl for Grantaire.

With the bowl of soup in hand, he made his way to Grantaire’s room, knocking hesitantly on the door. “Hey, I have food.” He was met with silence, so he tried again, but still, there was no answer. He tried the knob, finding the door unlocked.

“Hey,” he called out as he walked into the room. The only light was filtering from Grantaire’s work corner, and said boy was hunched over an easel with ear buds in.

Enjolras rolled his eyes and set the bowl of soup down on Grantaire’s bedside table. He stepped over clothes and art books until he was standing beside Grantaire, but when he opened his mouth to scold Grantaire for ignoring him, he found his words catching in his throat.

Grantaire was sweating yet he was shaking. His brows were furrowed and his cheeks were flushed a deep red.

Enjolras ripped an ear bud from Grantaire’s ear, causing the latter to jump. “You’re sick,” Enjolras said, voice accusing.

Grantaire stared at Enjolras with narrowed eyes. “Is someone dying?” He asked, clearly annoyed.

Enjolras huffed, crossing his arms. “No. But that doesn’t matter anymore because you’re sick.”

“I told you not to bother me unless someone was dying.”

Enjolras wanted to slap the idiot on the side of his head, but he took a few deep breaths, willing himself to remain calm. He knew that Grantaire was always extra snappy when sick– it was one of the things he and the brunet had in common.

“Go to bed,” Enjolras ordered firmly.

“This painting isn’t going to finish itself,” Grantaire replied, already turning back to his easel.

Enjolras watched as Grantaire attempted to still his trembling hands. He found himself feeling rather concerned because Grantaire was usually so still and so precise when painting. “Your lines are going to look terrible,” he said, and Grantaire responded by slamming the paint brush down on the easel.

“You think I don’t know this?” Grantaire snapped, staring daggers at Enjolras. “It’s been taking twice as long to do the simplest things because I can’t stop shaking.”

Enjolras frowned, wondering how long Grantaire had been like this. He brushed the back of his hand against Grantaire’s cheek just long enough to feel the heat before Grantaire turned his head away.

“Bed,” Enjolras pressed, already mentally planning on which medicine to bring in.

“I’m fine,” Grantaire tried, but Enjolras wasn’t having it. He grabbed Grantaire’s arm, yanking the brunet to his feet while minding to be cautious of the easel.

Grantaire moved to pull away, but the room started to tilt drastically. He would have toppled over his painting if it weren’t for Enjolras quickly steadying him.

“Jesus, R,” Enjolras started, winding his arm around Grantaire’s waist. “You’re a wreck.”

Grantaire opted to ignore Enjolras. Instead, he put all of his focus towards making it to his bed without passing out. He wasn’t sure he would have made it if it weren’t for Enjolras’s steady hold on him.

Once Enjolras had Grantaire settled, he left to retrieve the thermometer. Grantaire was defiant at first, claiming that this was unnecessary, but Enjolras threatened to shove the damn thermometer down his throat if he didn’t comply.

“Well?” Grantaire asked just as Enjolras pulled the thermometer from his mouth. “What’s the verdict? Am I dying or what?”

Enjolras eyed the reading with wide eyes- 103.5. That couldn’t be right, could it? He pressed his palm against Grantaire’s forehead once more as if he could gauge his temperature by touch alone.

“Shit, am I actually dying?” Grantaire tried again, voice light yet concerned. “Can you tell Jehan to finish my piece for me? It has to be Jehan, not Courf. I know Courf will insist he do it, but it has to be Jehan.”

Enjolras reset the thermometer, and Grantaire wordlessly opened his mouth. The two waited in silence until the soft beeping sounded. Enjolras all but ripped the thermometer from Grantaire’s mouth and frowned. The reading was the same.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, grip tight around the thermometer. He turned on his heel and quickly left the room, making his way to Combeferre’s room.

“Combeferre,” he said breathlessly as he approached Combeferre’s bed. “Grantaire’s dying!”

Combeferre shot up, already half out of the bed when Enjolras thrust the thermometer at his face. He blinked at the reading before sighing. “No, he’s not.” He said, moving until he was fully back in bed.

“But that’s really high, right?” Enjolras asked, panicked. “I mean he seems okay, but this is too high!”

Combeferre draped an arm over his eyes– headache coming back full force. “It is high,” he muttered. “But he’ll be fine with medicine and rest.”

Enjolras stared at his friend in disbelief. He didn’t understand how Combeferre wasn’t concerned. The highest fever between Combeferre and Courfeyrac so far had been 101.6. Grantaire had them beat by a lot. He needed a hospital!

“Combeferre-”

“Enj,” Combeferre countered, cutting Enjolras off. He moved his arm away from his eyes. “He’ll be fine. Just keep doing what your doing, and we will all be fine.”

Enjolras nodded despite not feeling any better. He asked Combeferre if he needed anything, and when Combeferre told him no and to go tend to Courfeyrac and Grantaire, he stumbled out of the room, mind in overdrive. He needed to get Grantaire to eat then get him water and medicine, he needed to try and get Courfeyrac to eat. He needed to keep an eye on Combeferre’s headache.

He breathed out a shaky sigh and got to work.

*****

The rest of the day passed in a blur, and the worried pit inside Enjolras’s stomach only continued to grow.

Grantaire’s fever spiked twice, and both times, Enjolras considered calling an ambulance. He gave him medicine and kept him hydrated, but nothing seemed to work, and Grantaire seemed to be in a lot of pain, groaning and clutching at his head.

Courfeyrac became incredibly subdued when Enjolras told him he couldn’t have a third blanket. He was still shivering hard, and it made Enjolras’s heart clench. He wanted nothing more than to take Courfeyrac’s ailments away, but he couldn’t. He could only give medicine and water and hope for the best.

Combeferre’s headache exploded into a full-blown migraine, and despite trying to work through it, it was clearly bothering him terribly, and Enjolras had no idea what to do.

Enjolras spent hours upon hours running between the three bedrooms, smoothing cool, damp cloths over Grantaire’s burning forehead, climbing into bed with Courfeyrac to offer a brief bout of body heat for the shivering boy, and ensuring that absolutely no light get into Combeferre’s room.

He administered medicine when needed, but it just seemed like nothing was working at this point. He desperately wanted to consult Combeferre about it, but he didn’t want to bother him. He texted Joly a few times, but Joly only told him “these things take time.”

After another round of checking on his friends, Enjolras flopped down against the couch. It was just after two a.m., and he was so worried that he felt physically ill. His chest felt tight and constricted, and his stomach was flipping with anxiety. He couldn’t do this– he had no idea what he was doing. Why wasn’t anyone getting better? How did Combeferre and Joly deal with this on a daily basis at the school clinic?

A blinding pain suddenly burst behind his eyes, and he squeezed them shut with a groan. He could feel sleep tugging at him, and despite wanting to fight it, he nodded off.

*****

“Is he okay?”

Enjolras was pulled from his sleep by a cool hand pressing against his forehead.

“He’s definitely got a fever. Looks like the flu finally caught up to him.”

He pried his eyes open, blinking away the blurring vision to see Combeferre and Courfeyrac staring down at him with worried eyes. “Shit,” he rasped out, moving to sit up, but Combeferre gently pushed him back down.

“You’re ill, Enj.” Combeferre said, voice soft.

“I have to,” Enjolras started, pausing to cough. “I have to– you guys are the sick ones.” He couldn’t get his mind to process words. Why couldn’t he get his mind to process words?

“You did well,” Combeferre said, brushing his hand against Enjolras’s cheek. “My migraine is gone, and Courfeyrac’s fever broke about an hour ago.”

“R,” Enjolras whispered, motioning weakly towards Grantaire’s bedroom.

“He’s getting there,” Combeferre answered. “He’s worried about you,” he added as an after thought.

Enjolras glanced towards Grantaire’s room with tired eyes. He wanted to say more, but he could feel his eyelids growing heavy.

“Just rest, Enj. We’ve got it covered now.”

Enjolras nodded weakly, drifting off to sleep once more.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #72

hey ya’ll, kinda conflicting moods in this survey; the earlier, dreary-sounding answers, please do not worry about them, as i took this over the course of longer than a week.  i was hospitalized this past week and am currently home safe again.  i just don’t feel like going back changing answers, lol.

are you currently distressed about anything?   yes, quite a bit.  i found the gem to the ring jason gave me, but i can't find the ring itself... i really wanna fix it and wear it.  i'm pretty damn upset about the situation, considering how much i cherish anything i've ever had from him. do you like your pop tarts toasted or cold?   i like them how they are in the package. do you like sitting in the front, back, or middle of the classroom?   i prefer the front, 'cuz i can see better and i feel more obligated to engage. what’s your least favorite flavor of candy?   orange do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before?   no. which is worse: living where there’s lots of tornadoes or lots of hurricanes?   tornadoes, definitely.  i live where there are plenty of hurricanes, and the last one we had that was truly devastating was floyd, and that occurred when i was a very young child.  tornadoes, meanwhile, are more immediately dangerous. have you ever seen a black rose?   no, but i would loooove to... do you like pie?   no, actually. if you died right now, how would you feel about your life?   it was a nightmare. do you have any morbid interests?   gore and guts.  bones.  death itself, kinda. if someone were to ask you if you were okay right now, are you?   no.  i'm currently waiting for the suicide hotline's online chat room to open up.  i've been a wreck all evening and google searched something i shouldn't have; google gave me the number to the hotline as well as the option to chat online.  i broke the fuck down.  i've been waiting for a spot to open for like ten minutes... have you ever thrown up from working out?   no, but i know i've been close. do you have any gay family members?   i think i have an uncle who is? would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn?   fuck yes i would be. (new day.) would you date someone who still lived with their parents?   uhhh, why wouldn't i...? would you have to sleep with someone before marrying them?   nope. would you enjoy a night of playing video games?   very much so. would you watch a porno with your partner?   absolutely not. would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends?   errr... i hate admitting this, but no.  it's suspicious. coffee or tea?   i have a strong dislike of both, really. when was the last time you climbed a tree?
   never; nc doesn't really have climbable trees, just pines. what clubs do/did you participate in at school?
   i was in the art club and shit, what was it called... it was for honors students... what is something you and your best friend say/do that seems strange to an outsider?
   act gay as hecke do you like to sleep near the wall, the middle, or the open side of the bed?
   open side. what’s the strangest rumor that has ever been spread about you?
   a rumor started in high school that jason and i had had a baby.  a rachel is who told the person who told me, soooo i'm not stupid.  i know which rachel started it. how involved were you in the drama of your high school?   not at all. do you like to cuddle while you are sleeping?   all night, no.  when jason and i were dating, i would usually begin sleeping cuddled with him, but would pull away during the night because i got hot. what are you favorite places to be touched?
   i'm guessing you mean sexually?  personally my breasts are very sensitive to touch. do you like lip biting?   again, in a sexual context?  sure. describe your first date.   jason took mom and me to see "ghost rider 2."  i personally thought it was very cute that he wanted mom to come, too. what really goes on in your head?   memories, poisoned with remorse.  i'm always looking back and missing how things used to be.  death and decay goes on in my head.  passions pass away, and the darkness that i try so hard to keep in the back of mind envelops its entirety more and more each time i weaken.  i don't mean to sound all dark or poetic, it's just... how i describe things.  i wish just one person would understand exactly what's happening up there. do other people’s opinions mean anything to you?   sometimes. have you ever just wanted to run away to see who would follow?   i have run away, and nearly got the police on my ass. have you ever had a hamster as a pet?   multiple times.  all were assholes. who do you really need in your life?   jason.  yet he's not here. way down in there’s any part of you sad at all?   all parts of me are sad. what’s your favorite type of insect?   i really love butterflies, moths, dragonflies, ladybugs... is there anything worrying you right now? if so, have you talked to anyone about it?   when am i not worried...  i'm so scared jason won't come back.  the last person i talked to about it was virginia, his mom.  i was suicidal last night and was very, very sincerely contemplating killing myself, and i wanted to talk to him, because i feel like he's the only one who can talk me out of it.  so i found their number and called their house past midnight.  i talked to virginia; jason had just gone to bed, and she didn't want to wake him up.  she's such a sweet woman...  she tried so hard to help, but it was all in vain. apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight?   cry, i'm sure. does anyone see you as a role model?   i'm certain that's a no. what is something that you’ve recently learned?   it's very likely i have bpd. what is your most expensive possession?   the laptop jason gave me... but it's broken right now. what’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had?   aside from mental illness, the worst physical illness was just a REALLY bad stomach virus.  i've never even had the flu. are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day?
   if i ever get married... then yeah.  it's one of my fairytales. what kind of music do you tend to like?   heavy metal, some harder rock. do you have any mental disorders?   and they're going to kill me. do you believe everything happens for a reason?   fuck that. do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart?   yes. do you live in the moment?   i live in the past. how many more minutes until you will next eat?   i should've eaten an hour ago.  but i'm too upset to be hungry. what do/did you normally get detentions for?   i only ever got detention for too many tardies. what do you currently hear?   "i don't love you" by my chemical romance, my typing, my sniffling, and my heart pounding in my head. do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids?   i won't have kids anyway.  i don't even know why i'm spending my time doing this survey.  i'm procrastinating on looking for any sleeping pills in the house.  i'm done. do you like the band a skylit drive?   i like their cover of "love the way you lie" who’s someone you want to see right now?   jason.  he could stop this.  i know he could. have you ever been stung by anything?   no, i haven't. have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren’t supposed to?   no, i fucking hate people who do that. are you paranoid?   only always. (next week) are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments?   nope. would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? which one seems best?   hmmm.  teleport, i guess. do you like soda pop? if so, which is your favorite and least favorite?   i sadly do.  i loooove mountain dew, and i really hate pepsi. does it annoy you when surveys ask questions about controversial topics, or do you like arguing your point?   i like controversial questions, honestly.  i like making a point. are there any specific piercings you would never, ever get done?   the only piercing i would never get, even for a ludicrous amount of money, is around my private area.  nope. assuming you had sufficient funds, would you be capable of living alone, paying bills and looking after yourself properly?   honestly, no.  probably not. do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby?   meeee! were either of your parents baptized?   idk the last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit?   ha ha omg, a mosh pit at an alice cooper concert in north carolina... that'd be a sight to see. does your bathroom have a theme to it?   nope. when you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken?   burgers, almost always. are you self-conscious of your smile?   yes, because my eyes squint. what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?   writing.  sometimes drawing. what color do you really want to dye your hair?   GRAY.  mom won't let me. :( sunrise or sunset?   sunset is prettier, imo. what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?   i love some of the petnames colleen calls me, honestly.  it's just sweet. what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.   socks suck.  period.  i avoid them at all costs. have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?   how flexible you think i am, fam? do you play the wii?   very rarely. be honest, did fifty shades of grey arouse you in any way?   i didn't read/watch it, and i have no plans to. do have faith in yourself?   lmao did you parents know what gender you were before you were born?   i'm not sure, actually.  i do know, however, everyone first thought i was a boy; i always had my legs crossed in the ultrasound.  mom, however, "knew" i was a girl. does your mother still take care of you if you get ill?   not really.  like i guess if i called her to get me some ginger ale or something, she'd do it, but i kinda just take care of myself. is there a certain topic that you struggle to talk about, because it makes you feel uncomfortable?   not really. if you’re not in college, why?   because i mentally cannot handle the stress it causes. do you try to avoid burping in public, or are you open about it?  after all, it is a normal bodily function.   i'm very discreet about it normally, just because of social standards.  around family and very close friends, i don't give a shit. do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]?   i like the fruity flavors. what do you think is the dumbest / tackiest piercing?   i don't really know. have you ever requested a song on the radio?   no. would you ever dye your hair black?   i have before and i loved it. when did you last see the person you love/like? when will you next see them?   i saw him yesterday... and i probably never will again... is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind atm? do you think that person will be thinking about you too?   he always is, and i can absolutely guarantee he's not thinking about me. do you know the star sign of the last person you kissed?   he's an aquarius, like me. what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it?   got sexual on my parents' bed, i guess. who was the last person of the opposite sex to make you smile? are you attracted to that person?   jason, and yeah... do you currently have any medicine in your bag / purse / etc? if so, what kind?   no, i'm not allowed to.  i overdosed the other day. what do you like on your pasta / noodles? sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.?   sauce, always. are you weary of displaying signs of affection for your significant other around adults? why or why not?   no, because love should be very openly celebrated. do you think teenagers can be in love?   absolutely.  i was and still am now from the same relationship as an adult. how fast does your mood change?   0-100 real quick, boo. at this moment in time if you HAD to have someone’s name tattooed on you who’s would it be?   uhhh... literally no one's.  i just wouldn't.  well uh, i guess if it was life or death, uhhh... probably jason's, honestly??  but realistically, i never would get anyone's?? what’s your all-time favorite COMEDY movie?   hm.  maybe "white chicks" or "rush hour 2" how old is your most recent ex?   he's 23. how many keys are on your key chain?   two how does your hair look right now?   it's all big and suuuuper curly!!!  chelsea did it. :D does your house have a white picket fence?   nope. do you wear bracelets?   no, never. when was the last time you had sex?   never. #regret do you have a wild side?   only j's seen it, honestly... heh. what is your favorite thing about going to your grandma’s house?   literally.  nothing. who did you last have an alcoholic drink with?   chelsea.  good day. where do you plan on living within the next few years?   probably the same 'ole north carolina. do you have an addiction?   debatably the internet, but i honestly consider it more of a dependence. if you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?   2016, absolutely. do you believe you should change who you are for the person you love?   to a degree, sure. when you’re home alone, do you still keep the door closed when you shower?   the bathroom door is open, my room door is closed. do you currently have a hickey?   i wish ha ha. now your cell phone, what color is it?   black. how many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed?   plenty of times. what color is your hair?   ruby red, with redder highlights and brown roots coming in. your parents are divorced/married/separated?   divorced have you ever let someone be your everything?   and i'm a broken person because of it. do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like?   no.  he made it clear i deserve to suffer for giving up. have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?   ahhh, yes. (: have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed?   no. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?   inside.  feel safer/cozier. have you ever had sex or something like it?   something like it, sure, but not actual sex. have you ever worn fishnets?   i don't think so... but maybe for dance? do you always wear your seat belt?   yep. have you ever liked someone much older than you?   not seriously. are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family?   oh god.  heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, asthma, cancer, depression, bipolarity, more shit i'm forgetting... do you have asthma?   no. are tongue piercings slutty?   ... no? last person to take off your pants, besides you?   jason. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?   yep. what’s your second favorite color?   pink, probably. how many times have you been so drunk you didn’t remember the night before?   never. what sexual kinks do you personally enjoy, if any?   i actually had to look up some kinks bc idk if some things are considered kinks or not?  evidently even something as common as spanking is, and i'm into that very mildly.  anr (i think that's be abbreviation, probably wrong...) is something that's like guaranteed to turn me on.  i also like feeling/acting sexually submissive in general, but i deeefinitely wouldn't consider it to the point of the dom/sub kink. ever faked an orgasm?   no. own some type of work out machine?   not anymore. ever wanted to be a vet?   i did as a child, yes. ever flashed someone you liked?   i maybe have to jason, while alone with him, but even then i'm not certain i ever have. ever had a job? if so, what and for how long?   first job i had for a month or two.  second, like, four days. do you have a favorite sexual position, even if you’re a virgin?   missionary is all i've ever tried and i'm fine with that. ever done oral? with how many people?   yes, one. what condom brand do you use?   i don't use them because i don't have sex.  on the one occasion jason bought condoms just to be safe in case we chose to, i'm not sure what brand he got... do you use flavored/scented/glow-in-the-dark/neon/ribbed condoms?   again, i don't use them, but also once more, on the one occasion jason bought some, they were just normal. what about facebook - do your grandparents use facebook?   my maternal grandmother does. do you have any text messages from your ex, or have you deleted them all?   no.  the phone i've had i got after the breakup, so. tell me 3 facts about the first person you had a relationship with.   i've "dated" three people, but i've definitely only had a romantic relationship with one, so i'm using him in this question.  he loves games of all kinds, he's a huge joker (particularly heath ledger's) fan, and he's studying computer engineering/he's in his last semester. think about your last ex. do you still find him/her attractive?   he's very handsome, yes. do you regret kissing the last person you kissed?   i never will. have you ever wanted to be a teacher?   nope. if someone were to ask you out right now, would you say yes?   the only person i'd say yes to would be jason. what was the last thing you took medication for?   my tremors. if someone offered you sex right now, how would you respond?   again, i'd only yes to jason. do you think you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?   i don't think i found the person, i know i did.  yet i can't. be honest, what do you want more than anything at this moment in time?   i just want to cuddle with jason. have you had any conversations recently that made you feel uncomfortable or upset?   i talked to jason, face-to-face, two days ago to assist me in gaining closure.  very long story short, i was quiiite upset after he left. what’s the farthest away from home you have ever been?   michigan the last person you had a thing with calls wanting to hang out. what do you do?   say "of course!" in probably the most excited voice ever. what is your favorite shade of blue?   hmm.  navy, i assume. what ozzy lyric describes you best?   a suRVEY QUESTION REGARDING MY FAVORITE ARTIST???  HELL YEAH!!  anyway, i've felt a resonance with "you don't have to leave the lights on; i'm so used to being blind" from "tomorrow" for many years. what was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most?   giving up on just that: life. what is love really about?   it's science, but also something inexplicable.  it's the perfect combination of your brain's "happy hormones," and only that one person can achieve that certain mixture.  granted, there are different kinds of love, and each one is unique. what metallica lyric most describes your life?   wHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, ANOTHER QUESTION W/ ANOTHER FAVORITE ARTIST???  I WANNA MARRY THE SURVEY MAKER PLS.  um anyway let's see, i could really list a few.  first, i wanna say i feel a VERY strong connection to "the unforgiven ii" as a whole; all the lyrics mean very much to me.  but if you want a particular lyric, these couple mean the world: "how can i be lost, if i've got nowhere to go? / and how can i blame you, when it's me i can't forgive?" from "the unforgiven iii"  omgggg i could keep going on ;-; ever been to ozzfest?   girl, I WISH. what's the most illegal thing you've done?   just downloading music.  wait actually, probably downloading an expensive program illegally. ever have a tornado in your town?   i don't think so. what percentile of your class were you in?   idk about numbers, but the very top.  i got an award for it.  idk what ever happened... can you name every place you've ever had sex?   i've never had sex, but i've gotten sexual on my bed, his bed, the floor, the couch, the chaise... what forms of birth control have you used?   abstinence is... pretty flawless. handcuffs or rope :D?   errr, i'm guessing you're addressing being tied up sexually?  i'm... kinda into the idea of being handcuffed to something, maybe. *shrugs* ever grown any plants before? what were they?   habaneros, zinnias, sunflowers... how many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide?   three.  i was going to slit my throat on two occasions, and on the last, i overdosed. what is your favorite cover song?   "hurt" by johnny cash.  "another brick in the wall" by korn is a close second. ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months?   nope. strangest medical procedure ever performed on you?   idk, i guess just getting tubes put in my ears. if you ever got a tattoo, where would you get it?   i already have three and want loads more like... everywhere.  most specifically though, i think sternum tattoos are drop-dead gorgeous. could you ever go vegetarian?   no.  i enjoy meat too much. how do you fall asleep? [i.e, listening to music, reading, daydreaming…]   just thinking... have you ever been chased by bees?   omg no. what is your opinion on homosexuality?   it's a mutation, but that does not make it wrong. what is your biggest fear in life?   being alone in life.  not being able to function properly in the "real world" is a close second. when was the last time you kissed someone?   2015 are you sick quite often or hardly at all?   hardly at all.  proud of that 'ole immune system. has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   apparently. do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more?   chocolate, definitely. does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much?   no, but i actually have noticed something: it began to bother me ever so slightly more after jason passed out from me getting my blood taken that one time.  i think it's because of how i look up to and see him in general, seeing him react to something like that, a part of my brain wants to believe "omg that has to be dangerous then."  but in general, i don't really have issue with getting my blood drawn. who would you say is your best friend at the moment?   colleen.  always. how long have you two been best friends?   over two years. do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   it's not something i dwell on, but i know i'm not. have you ever tried opening your eyes under water?   i have, and i'm bad at it. have you ever been admitted to the hospital?   only six times. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies, i think. how old is your pet?   teddy is ten, cali isss... three, i think, bentley's not even a year, and lexi is around two, probs. do you listen to artists who consist more of guys, girls, or both?   i seem to prefer male artists. what’s your first tattoo?   a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. what song do you listen to when you’re sad?   "perfectly flawed" by otep is common.  hence my tattoo. <3 is there a person in your life that can always make you smile?   not anymore. are you scared about the end of the world?   not really, because i don't think i'll be around to see it. will you ever get a tattoo?   i have three and want more.  my next tattoo will be an adaptation of "denialism" by deviantart's tatchit.  look it up, it is honestly a phenomenal work of art. when you get yelled at, do you yell back or let it go?   well first, i get triggered.  yelling triggers memories of my parents fighting so much.  odds are, i'll yell back, but it really depends. do you share a computer with your siblings?   nooo. do you have mood swings?   badly. do you have any bruises on you?   yes, from getting my blood drawn so much recently.  the iv left a good one. have you had sex today?   girl, i wish. has the last person you kissed ever made you cry?   plenty of times. be honest with yourself, are you proud of your actions?   some yes, some no.  it just.  varies.  for the most part, i guess so, like i can't deny i'm a fighter, but i just feel weak sometimes. if you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?   honestly, i would get a tiny heart on the side of my face if it wasn't for societal standards and the strong odds of unemployment for having a tat on my face. what is something you find romantic?   flowers, picnics, walks in the park, oh man, i could go on for HOURS.  you can make SO many things romantic. what makes you attracted to the person you like right now?   his personality. what, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?   rape is #1 for me.  just don't. would you rather live in a castle or a spaceship?   castle, hell yeah!! has someone ever made you a build-a-bear?   OMG NO I WOULD DIE THAT'D BE PRECIOUS what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. what is your definition of “having sex”?   penal-vaginal penetration. who was the last person you were “in a relationship with” on facebook (including anyone you may have put “in a relationship with” for a joke)?   jason. do you think a relationship with a 16-year-old girl and a 35-year-old man would work out? do you think age differences like that (when they’re under 18) should be legal?   they should absolutely not be legal.  just... no.  i don't support big age gaps like that. what do you think of open relationships? if your partner suggested it, what would you say?   HA.  no.  and if he suggested it, i'd leave his ass. would you ever date out of your race?   mhmm. have you ever had a reptile for a pet?   i've had one lizard, two snakes. what kinds of alcohol do you like?   only ever tried mike's hard lemonade and smirnoff, and both are fine. did you have a swing set when you were a kid?   yup. state you most want to visit?   utah.  fucking gorgeous. were you popular in high school?   definitely not. would you rather be blind or deaf?   blind, definitely.  i once asked jason this and he said blind, too, "because i have to be able to hear your voice." ;;;-;;; where do you want to live when you are old?   in the mountains, in the woods, in the chilly weather, pls. have you ever been in love?   absolutely.  with reckless abandon. have you ever caught a fish?   many many times. what was your most recent ex’s middle name?   alex. do you put anything weird on your scrambled eggs? (like syrup)   just hot sauce. what is your states minimum wage?   $7.25, save us.

[callie-the-snarky-geek-blog]

RWBY V6 CH4 Review: So That’s How It Is

(Old Blog Repost)

Already we're entering Chapter 4, and it's been one Hell of a ride so far. Even Volume 3 waited until the halfway mark to start dealing out the emotional blows. This one? It started in Chapter 2 and doesn't show any signs of holding back. At last the answers regarding Ozpin, who he is, and of his conflict with Salem have been answered. Now the question is, how will our heroes react to it? Well... only one way to find out, I supposed.

Overview

The reaction is... bad. Its... its bad. With the revelation that Salem can't be destroyed, Team RWBY are furious, Yang outright yelling at a tearful Ozpin for hiding this. Ruby, while clearly unhappy, keeps her composure as she asks Ozpin exactly what his plan is to defeat Salem. Ozpin, clearly broken down from both his secrets being out and having to relieve his most painful memories, finally admits that he has no plan. This is the straw that breaks the camels back for, of all people, Qrow. He outright punches Ozpin. He doe sit so hard that he sends him flying into a nearby tree. Yeah, way to forget that it's Oscar's body buddy. Qrow starts to lament on how no one wanted him due to his bad luck, and through Ozpin it felt like he finally had a purpose and could do good. Ozpin trying to tell him that he is doing good falls on deaf ears as Qrow says that meeting him was clearly the worst luck of his like. This shocks, and even seems to hurt Ozpin, and all that he can do is say that he may be right.

In that moment, Ozpin switches back to Oscar, left to feel the sting of the hit. He confirms that Ozpin is gone and when Yang furiously tells him to tell the bastard (IDK why people make her saying that a big deal when she cursed last volume to) that they aren't done, Oscar clarifies that Ozpin has locked himself away in the depths of his mind... they're mind... yeah all of this is causing the poor kid to break down and have an existential crisis. The girls are mad that Ozpin left, wondering what to do when finally, Maria rejoins the story by yelling at them to stop. She points out that it'll be dark soon as she helps Oscar to his feet, so it's best that they follow a nearby trail and get a move on. Yang starts to turn her anger on her because how dare an old woman point out that they're spewing negativity and becoming Grimm magnets, but Maria puts her foot down and refuses to freeze to death. She even says that she understands that they're upset, but right now they aren't making it any better.

So everyone gathers whatever supplies that they can as they start to finally move. Ruby, now having the Relic, goes to give Oscar back the cane. Oscar starts to wonder if all he's going to be is another one of Ozpin's many lives. Ruby starts to assure him that no, he is his own person... only for Qrow to tell her to quit lying as they are better than that. I have... a LOOOT of not nice things to say about this moment, but Ill save it for when we get to the review section. Oscar just starts walking, Ruby clearly uneasy at all of this before also walking. Well that was soul crushing!

Lets give the heroes a break for a bit and talk about the villains. Hazel, Emerald, and Mercury return to Salem's domain, Emerald clearly still in shock form the entire thing. They are greeted by Tyrian, who I guess was just sleeping all of last volume or something. He starts to mock the fact that it appears that Cinder is dead, provoking Emerald to draw her weapons on him. It reminds me a LOT of that moment in Bleach when Gin Ichimaru decided to go to Rukia and offer to help her avoid execution before revealing that he's joking just to watch her break down because he reignited her hopes. Tyrian's just as creepy, as displayed when he is unfazed by the threat, even cutting himself on Emerald's blade just to show how unfazed he truly is. To my shock, Mercury actually steps in and tells Tyrian to back off. Yes, Mercury. I still hate him for Volume 3, but you know what? Mercury you won a point! Good job dude! Tyrian goes on to say that hes also upset, because they have failed their goddess. He starts to laugh manically as the three just walk away, Emerald clearly unnerved. You know what Tyrian Go back to sleep. No one missed you!

A bit later, the trio is standing before a clearly unhappy Salem. At first her demeanor is clam as she asks Hazel how the mission failed before rephrasing the question into asking who it is that's responsible for the failure. Hazel accepts the blame... which may be the noble thing, but it turns out to be the wrong answer. Salem rises, outright throwing the table aside as she points out that they all know who is to blame. She then summons up some of those Grimm tentacle arms that we saw in the opening, which proceed to hold Hazel own and I assume may be suffocating him. Well if I wasn't afraid of Salem before, this chapter fixed that! Thanks a lot CRWBY!

Salem turns to Emerald for an answer and terrified out of her mind, the third admits that it was Cinder who caused the failure. This is what Salem was working for as she tells Emerald to come to understand the failure... and that it is why Cinder must be isolated until she redeems himself. Emerald and Mercury are shocked to hear that Cinder is alive with even Watts questioning how Salem would know that. But he takes it back when Tyrian points out that he's questioning their 'savior', aka the scary Grimm lay whose still potentially suffocating Hazel. Salem tells them of how they shouldn't put their desires above her own,a after all only she can lead them to those desires. Damn, and I thought her God complex in the backstory was bad...

Salem finally frees Hazel, saying that they have to press on. She starts to make plans to get the Relic of Destruction form Vacuo... until Hazel reveals that he has more to report. He reveals that the heroes are on their way to Atlas with the Relic... and are being led by Ozpin. Well good thing that none of them know about the current discourse, haha. But the fact that Ozpin is already back understandably concerns everyone... when the windows suddenly start to crack. We see Salem resonating dark energy as she coldly, but firmly tells everyone to leave. They all comply, Hazel even pulling away poor Emerald, as she just looks on in shock before the doors close. Salem seems to calm down at first...before letting out an angry shout, the windows shattering to pieces. Sure hope that she has an interior decorator on hand.

Back with the good guys, they're all still clearly upset and tense form everything. At this point, they just want to get the Relic mission over with. The snow is continuing to fall with no sign of stopping however when Ruby hears something. The group stumbles upon what seems to be an abandoned farm called Brunswick Farms. Since the snow isn't going to let up, they decide to take shelter there and get some rest. And the chapter ends with our heroes passing through the gate, the only background sound being that of the cold, blowing winds.

Review

Damn, for a thirteen minute episode, this episode caused a LOOOT of discourse. Not bad discourse mind you, I haven't seen anyone call this a bad episode. And it isn't. This was a very good, well-written episode showcasing our heroes emotions as all that they learned settle in. There re of course a lot of things that need to be talked about, and we're going to get there. But lets go ahead and get the villains out of the way before we dive into the deep stuff.

Now that we have the backstory, this entire moment felt a lot more unnerving than any of the villains previous scenes. First, Tyrian is just as creepy as he was in Volume 4. His blind praising of Salem comes off as even more disturbing now that we know that she HAS presented herself as a God so long ago. He's pretty much a devout cult fanatic willing to do anything for the one that he worships and is so clearly sick and twisted in how he mocks Emerald. Yeah I hate Cinder and I think that Emerald would be better without her in her life, but MAN mocking the poor girl about Cinder's apparent demise like that was just... wrong. Oh God was it wrong.  But still, kudos to Mercury finally showing some decency and standing up for Emerald. Nice to see that he DOES have a soul... to a degree, but hey he's better than Tyrian.

I am also jut loving Hazel more and more. He may be on the bad guys side, but he's clearly the most noble of the bunch. He was willing to take the full blame for the failures, even though Cinder 100% deserves to be blamed, and actively seemed to be looking out for Emerald as well. It shows that the villains aren't just the 'mwahaha lets do bad things cause BAD!' kinds of villains. I like those kinds of villains when done right, like The Joker and (if it pans out well in S17) Genkins in the current Red vs Blue storyline. Hell, Felix (who Miles also created) can probably count from that show also. But its also good to see when the bad guys have depth and deeper emotions to them. It makes them all the more compelling as characters. Right now Hazel, who displays many noble traits, and Emerald, a terrified girl stuck in a very bad position, are probably the most compelling and I am greatly looking forward to what the story has in store for them.

And of course there's Salem. Now that we've seen how she fell down the wrong path, it makes her all the more terrifying here. While you feel sympathy for her throughout last chapter's flashback, here? You have no idea what she's going to do, and it's unnerving. Up until last week, Salem was an intimidating but very calm figure. Her demeanor never broke, at worst she raised her voice like... once. Even when Leo told her about the plan's failure,s he looked almost bored at the news as she silently had her Grimm kill him. But now? She goes form still calm to throwing tables, nearly suffocating Hazel,a and using blatant emotional manipulation on Emerald to put all of hr minions in line. I'll give her this, she did look legit sad about having to leave Cinder behind and she is giving her a chance to redeem herself, but still. When she finally snaps, I was in the same state as Emerald: shocked and fearful. With Ozpin now back, chances are Salem is going to double down on her efforts, and the results are not going to be pretty.

Alright, with that out of the way, lets get to the heroes side of things. Now there isn't a lot to say about the ending. That's clearly setting up for next week and is just them entering an abandoned farm. So while I've got worries, especially since that one tunnel looked a LOT like the one Ruby was in during the opening, we're just going to see what happens next week. But with how this volume has been so far, be very afraid. For now though, lets talk about the aftermath of Ozpin's secrets being revealed, and the fallout that came with it.

There has been a LOT of debate about the characters actions these past three chapters. Was it right to use the Relic to find out Ozpin's secrets? I'm gonna say no, especially for what we found out, but as I said before after all this time they had the right to know. But clearly none of them were prepared for it. Now the better thing to have done was seek shelter first, clam down, talk about it, and if Ozpin kept refusing then at worst they could get the Relic when he wasn't in control or something and asked the question. But considering the circumstances, there was no way that they were going to do the sensible thing. So yeah, they just found out Ozpin's dark backstory and find out that Salem can't be defeated.

So here's the first thing that I want to address. While the way that everyone reacts was NOT the way to go about it, the emotions that they feel? Those are 100% justified. Look, I feel horrible for Ozpin and again, they could have handled how they reacted to it a LOT better. But they also just found out that it looks like Salem can't be defeated. Ozpin has no plan. He is leading them on a suicide mission. One where yeah, they can fight back and thwart Salem's plans over and over, but it will in the end mean nothing. Now I do think that Ozpin is ultimately doing the best that he can in his current situation, after all it's better to fight back than just throw your hands up and wait for death to come. But if you were in a war where in the end, the bad guy couldn't be defeated and you had to fight endlessly, knowing that you will die in vain, how would you feel? I think I'd just outright break down if I were put int hat position. Of course they're going to be angry about it. They just got all of this dumped onto them (and yeah it is kind of their own fault for not considering that, but still), we can't expect them to just be okay with it. They're reacting to their immediate emotions an hopefully, now that they have a chance to breathe, they can look at everything and calm down.

Ozpin is also justified in his reaction. Yeah locking himself away and indirectly meaning that Oscar has to feel the brunt of the aggression was shitty, but you can understand hwy. He new that if anyone knew the truth he'd get the blame and everyone would be angry at him. As hurt as he seemed by Qrow's reaction, eh didn't seem shocked about it either. Heck, eh didn't seem to blame any of them for how they reacted, even saying that maybe they were right. He's holding onto so much guilt and as he feared, with the truth out no one trusts him and blame him for it. There a LOT of morality questions about if Ozpin hiding all that he did was right or not. I think at the very least, those working for him need to know and if he' was honest about it, they'd have probably been uncertain and scared, but they may have still sided with him in hopes of one day finding a solution. Ozpin painted himself as a liar and untrustworthy and no matter how understandable it is, it was in the end the wrong thing to do. But again, it's really hard to blame him since that knowledge would likely cause panic and get them all killed sooner. He was screwed no matter what he did.

In the end, my opinion is that both sides are right and wrong. QRWBY are right to be angry and upset with all the revelations, but getting angry and outright punching poor Oscar was going too far. Ozpin's shouldn't have lied and lead people on regardless of the reasons, but he's also a clearly damaged person who has been trying to make things right despite all the hopelessness surrounding his situation. All of the reactions have been very human and emotional. This is probably why it's a good thing that we have a character like Maria in all of this. She is someone who seems wise and is uninvolved in the conflict. She can look at both sides without bias and understand why everyone feels how they feel, but can also bring attention to what their emotions are blinding them to. Seriously, with her helping Oscar, taking none of Yang's shit, and getting them all to actually focus on not dying, Maria has become an instant favorite. I love her!

So now lets talk about the part that I did not like. That is Qrow's jab at Oscar. Now the punch was harsh, put he clearly meant it for Ozpin so I can look at it as him reacting in blind anger. I still want him to apologize to Oscar later, but I can understand and forgive that. What I CANNOT forgive is how he treats Oscar like he is nothing but Ozpin's vessel. Umm... asshole, no eh isn't. Ruby was NOT lying to him when she assured him that he isn't just one of Oz's lives. Oscar is a young kid thrust into a very difficult, scary situation but he chose to do the right thing. He decided to train to defend himself and to help in whatever way that he can. He has a ton of baggage piled up on top of him, and so far he is handling better than many would if in his shoes. He is kind, heroic, and has a good heart. He is NOT just another of Ozpin's lives. He is Oscar Pine. He is his own person. And you have the gull to essentially put this kid down, while he's in the middle of a breakdown over his identity, because of how hurt yourself feel.

No

That is NOT okay.

It's not wrong toward just Oscar, but even towards Ruby. This girl is handling all of this incredibly well. She never shouts and when Oscar switched back, she was immediately concerned about him and unnerved by her team's reactions. And after all of it, because of how kind of a person she is, she tries to assure this clearly troubled kid that he is not just one of Ozpin's lives. He is his own person. And you berate her for lying. You told Ruby, your own niece, that she is a liar because she tried to comfort someone and assure them that they are more than what they think that they are. Look, I know that Qrow is upset and hurt. I do feel bad for him. But that jab was just... unnecessarily cruel towards both Oscar and Ruby. I am really hoping that Qrow will realize this later and apologize for that because Oscar has done NOTHING wrong. Hell, he's the one who told them about the Relic, so clearly he's on their side. I probably feel worst for Oscar than anyone else and I really hope that the volume cuts him a break soon. But yeah, that just... really made me uncomfortable.

So... what happens now? I think that everyone will either start to calm down or it just lingers before someone finally snaps. Regardless, clearly something is going to happen in this abandoned farm. Going off past episode, abandoned anywhere in this show is bad. Lets just hope that for our heroes sakes, they can work through this.

Final Thoughts

This was the perfect followup. The characters emotions are perfectly displayed, Salem is more horrifying than ever, and I just felt tense and on edge throughout. We all were expecting the fallout to be bad, but boy IDT we were expecting this. It's been one Hell of a ride so far, and we're not even halfway done yet. Lets hope that it doesn't run out of steam before then. As far as this chapter goes though, it was an emotional punch to what is already an emotional situation, and I'm probably going to be recovering from it until next week. Good work CRWBY!

[theblognoonewillread-blog1]

2017 - A Toxic Year

The year 2017 draws to a close as, arguably, one of the very worst years to hit mankind since World War II. On a national level and on a personal level for me, the year was laden with all kinds of difficulties, ill will, and major setbacks.

On the national level, the man currently occupying the White House should never have been seated. There were many institutions that could have intervened – the Supreme Court, the armed forces, federal judges – that didn’t. Especially dismaying is that – in theory – Democrats apparently were fine with throwing their hands up and saying “wait until 2018.”

But the current administration has done so much damage in just one year that waiting until 2018 was an absurd notion. In smaller, more ragtag countries – the Ukraine, Romania – they didn’t wait for corruption to take hold, the people got at the dictators and deposed them directly. Yet so many people have been given the impression that the “system” will work things out – a euphemism for “you’re screwed until the next election.”

The list of destruction is unparalleled. Undoing nearly everything the previous administration accomplished. Making a mockery of communicating with the press. Embarrassing and even antagonizing our allies. Refusing to come clean on legitimate accusations. Abdicating his responsibilities by spending more time on vacation than any other sitting president. Lying outright to his followers. Standing accused of fraud in one or more of his personal businesses. The list goes on and on.

The GOP through their cheating and gerrymandering have created voting patterns that make it hard for them to lose their seats – preventing the true reflection of voters’ preferences. That majority, it’s been said, will never bring this administration to account or punishment. It’s a huge shame – as justice waits, millions lose their security, civil rights, even their lives.

The current occupant of the White House was a major watershed for others like him – pushy, abrasive, selfish, unethical, bigoted. They made their approval of him and others like him very vocal. What would have been considered disqualifying traits decades ago, now, with today’s media, is just considered another shade of distinction. And the attitude spread quickly in the early days of this year – many reports of high school students taunting Hispanics with baited words were common in the early days of the year. Racial and sexual minorities feared, rightfully, for their well-being and safety.

Even sadder, one sixth of the US population voted for this man for a variety of reasons. Apologists tried to spin it was “not everyone who voted for him is a racist.” Perhaps. But how do you seat a president who runs a fraudulent – if not failing – business empire, known for ripping off his employees?  My own personal opinion? Anyone that voted for this man – whether blindly, for party reasons, or because they liked something in his platform – knew what they were getting.

The only direct repudiation this year that came in the face of powerful men like this was the “Me Too” campaign on social media in which thousands of women rang in on men and sexual harassment. Time Magazine even named the campaign “Person of the Year,” a first for that right-of-center publication. But even as the campaign gained traction in news cycle after news cycle, the pushback from “ordinary men” (let’s call them) was building. In Silicon Valley, many male workers have taken to avoiding contact with their female coworkers – perhaps to protect themselves, perhaps out of clear resentment. This is an issue that is far from being resolved – as with so many other ills in the US, it will take a cultural change and that often takes generations to stick.

In the natural disaster department, nothing stole the show more than hurricanes – Harvey, Irma, and Maria, which left many citizens homeless or in limbo. Puerto Rico is still not recovered – many parts of that island still have no power – a damning accusation of the incompetence of this administration. Harvey dropped over 4 feet of water on southeast Texas – a region home to over 6 million people. The scandal that’s brewing is that the city permitted building in reservoir regions that hadn’t seen heavy rains in years – until August 25. The saddest stories were those who had moved themselves and their families into one house, only to have the home flooded out. This, too, will be a developing story particularly as June 1 approaches to signal the start of another hurricane season. (Harvey would impact my life as well; more in the personal section.)

When I look back at my own personal life in 2017, I think of a bunch of issues. My time in Houston had become repetitive, methodical, stale even. I spent many weekend nights driving from place to place, alone, hoping to “click” or connect with someone intelligent, fun, engaging, inclusive – in most cases that never happened. As with my suspicion about the gay community back in 1998, I had an underlying feeling I couldn’t really count on anyone. Getting sick, I was on my own. With two notable exceptions, only two people ever walked a resume of mine in for a job – and that never materialized. An intimate partner turned out to be a meth user and clearly unstable emotionally so I had to dump him.

The worst part was the job search. Starting (in earnest) in April and running clear through the end of the year, no interview resulted in an offer. The situation was thoroughly awful in Houston, with rotten recruiters among the decent ones and it being hard to know who I could trust. Even attempts at remote gigs failed – an auto parts place, a legal services company, and another place out of Wisconsin all refused to offer me full time work – with one place even doing a change-up on what their web site appeared to represent.

When there wasn’t interviewing going on, there was poor management – recruiters using automated software to generate letters asking about my interest level in seemingly anyplace. Endless phone call messages from foreigners with middle-eastern accents. Misspellings all over their notes. Replies that went unanswered. So much digital noise. By year’s end I was depleted. I had burned through 6 full months of UI benefits and a sizable portion of the last of my CDB IRA funds. I am still strongly considering jumping ship from the IT field. The CDB and Dell positions both were bolts out of the blue. So was Advanced Pharmacy. I would do better to just get something.

The plan, upon my de facto move to Dallas – an evacuation that turned into a temporary (?) home base – was to get a job offer and use that offer letter to get into cheaper housing. I am really, really deeply concerned about having to go the Craigslist/black market route – I know it’s a choice between unethical management or unresponsive management.

The move to Dallas, of course, made me feel even more removed from the people I call contacts in Houston. It’s not hard to see when people have tuned you out for whatever reason. It is others’ choice, but it’s still annoying. I am mulling over some kind of stop out with Facebook, at least – I have had better experience with Instagram.

So, for all the positive things that have happened for me here and there in 2017, it is safe to say that it has been a sour year. I feel less trust in the universe, in “God”, in whatever powers there are out there that are supposed to be beneficial to us. I railed out not long ago at the universe for not bringing the kind of people I want and need into my midst. It literally is like I’m being denied connections – or I just don’t have the psychological blueprint to attract the right connections to me. It is incredibly frustrating.

If 2018 is not forthcoming with something at least tenable on a basic level – where I have some kind of job and a real apartment – if the character of this new year isn’t substantially different from 2017, it may be the year that does me in – death – for good.

[viralhottopics]

Exclusive: Bestselling author E. Lockhart to publish a new YA novel

Image: delacorte press

Bestselling author E. Lockhart has a new YA novel hitting shelves this fall.

SEE ALSO: Read an exclusive excerpt of Jeff Zentner’s upcoming ‘Goodbye Days’

Announced today, Lockhart’s Genuine Fraud will be released Sept. 5 by Delacorte Press, and imprint of Random House Children’s Books.

Edgy and inventive, Genuine Fraud is an instantly memorable story of love, betrayal and entangled relationships that are not what they seem. Lockhart introduces readers to the story of Imogen and JuleImogen, a runaway heiress, an orphan, a cook and a cheat; Jule, a fighter, a social chameleon and an athlete. This is a novel about intense friendship, a disappearance, murder, bad romance, a girl who refuses to give people what they want from her and a girl who refuses to be the person she once was. Who is genuine? And who is a fraud? You be the judge.

Lockhart is a staple in the YA world, and she’s perhaps best known for her haunting We Were Liars, a deluxe edition of which will be published this May.

MashReads spoke to Lockhart about Genuine Fraud, her career, and her advice for 2017. Then read on for an exclusive excerpt of her upcoming novel.

When did you first know you wanted to be a writer?

I read Joan Aikens The Wolves of Willoughby Chase in third or fourth grade and immediately began writing novels about Victorian orphanages, windswept landscapes and cool uniforms.

What draws you to writing YA books?

In young adulthood, people separate from the values and embraces of their families of origin and begin to define themselves as individuals. That process of separation and self-reinvention is extremely interesting to me. Genuine Fraud is very much a YA novel, even though it doesnt take place in high school.

Is your writing process different depending on the genre youre writing?

Genuine Fraud is a psychological thriller, and the only other such book I have written is We Were Liars. All my other books are comedies! The thrillers have intricate plots that require more planning.

Genuine Fraud sounds a bit like an oxymoron. Do you have a favorite oxymoron?

Film producer Samuel Goldwyn is often quoted as saying, I never liked you, and I always will. My new novel is in something of the same spirit.

Genuine Fraud is another suspense novel, like your emotional bestseller We Were Liars. Can you give a hint as to the emotions readers are likely to have?

Both books have twisty plots, but with Genuine Fraud youre unlikely to need a tissue. Rather, I recommend Rolaids and seltzeryoull want a strong stomach.

Youre known for writing incredibly strong and complex female characters, particularly Frankie Landau-Banks, who is seen by many as a feminist icon. The women in Genuine Fraud seem to be in a similar vein. Do you feel you have a responsibility as a YA writer?

Thank you. I am a feminist, most certainly, but my responsibility as a novelist is not to provide role models. My responsibility is to try to write something that feels true to me on some emotional and intellectual level. I write to make a piece of narrative art that represents the inside of my head. I hope that if I have done so well enough, people will respond to it.

As its a new year, what is your advice for your readers for 2017, both for life and for aspiring writers?

Raise your voice. Its an everyday practice. As a writer, as an activist, as a friend and colleague, student or teacherraise your voice in protest, in apology, in curiosity, in praise, in self-expression.

What were some of your favorite books of 2016?

I read a lot of travel stories and novels written in the nineteenth century. I read cookbooks and middle-grade fiction and comic essays. But Genuine Fraud is a complicated portrait of an extremely difficult person, and a twisty thriller as welland here are two 2016 books I read while I was revising it that fit that same description and are incredibly juicy: Girls on Fire by Robin Wasserman is an adult novel about young women behaving more than badly, raw and gorgeous. My Sister Rosa by Justine Larbalestier is a YA novel about a boy whose younger sister is a psychopathchilling and thought-provoking.

Image: Delacorte press

It was a bloody great hotel.

The minibar in Jules room stocked potato chips and four different chocolate bars. The bathtub had bubble jets. There was an endless supply of fat towels and liquid gardenia soap. In the lobby, an elderly gentleman played Gershwin on a grand piano at four each afternoon. You could get hot clay skin treatments, if you didnt mind strangers touching you. Jules skin smelled like chlorine all day.

The Playa Grande Resort in Baja had white curtains, white tile, white carpets, and explosions of lush white flowers. The staff members were nurselike in their white cotton garments. Jule had been alone at the hotel for nearly four weeks now. She was eighteen years old.

This morning, she was running in the Playa Grande gym. She wore custom sea-green shoes with navy laces. She ran without music. She had been doing intervals for nearly an hour when a woman stepped onto the treadmill next to her.

This woman was younger than thirty. Her black hair was in a tight ponytail, slicked with hair spray. She had big arms and a solid torso, light brown skin, and a dusting of powdery blush on her cheeks. Her shoes were down at the heels and spattered with old mud.

No one else was in the gym.

Jule slowed to a walk, figuring to leave in a minute. She liked privacy, and she was pretty much done, anyway.

You training? the woman asked. She gestured at Jules digital readout. Like, for a marathon or something? The accent was Mexican American. She was probably a New Yorker raised in a Spanish-speaking neighborhood.

I ran track in secondary school. Thats all. Jules own speech was clipped, what the British call BBC English.

The woman gave her a penetrating look. I like your accent, she said. Where you from?

London. St. Johns Wood.

New York. The woman pointed to herself.

Jule stepped off the treadmill to stretch her quads.

Im here alone, the woman confided after a moment. Got in last night. I booked this hotel at the last minute. You been here long?

Its never long enough, said Jule, at a place like this. So what do you recommend? At the Playa Grande? Jule didnt often talk to other hotel guests, but she saw no harm in answering. Go on the snorkel tour, she said. I saw a bloody huge moray eel.

No kidding. An eel?

The guide tempted it with fish guts he had in a plastic milk jug. The eel swam out from the rocks. She must have been eight feet long. Bright green.

The woman shivered. I dont like eels.

You could skip it. If you scare easy.

The woman laughed. Hows the food? I didnt eat yet.

Get the chocolate cake.

For breakfast?

Oh, yeah. Theyll bring it to you special, if you ask.

Good to know. You traveling alone?

Listen, Im gonna jet, said Jule, feeling the conversation had turned personal. Cheerio. She headed for the door.

My dads crazy sick, the woman said, talking to Jules back. Ive been looking after him for a long time. A stab of sympathy. Jule stopped and turned.

Every morning and every night after work, Im with him, the woman went on. Now hes finally stable, and I wanted to get away so badly I didnt think about the price tag. Im blowing a lot of cash here I shouldnt blow.

Whats your father got?

MS, said the woman. Multiple sclerosis? And dementia. He used to be the head of our family. Very macho. Strong in all his opinions. Now hes a twisted body in a bed. He doesnt even know where he is half the time. Hes, like, asking me if Im the waitress.

Damn.

Im scared Im gonna lose him and I hate being with him, both at the same time. And when hes dead and Im an orphan, I know Im going to be sorry I took this trip away from him, dyou know? The woman stopped running and put her feet on either side of the treadmill. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Sorry. Too much information.

Sokay.

You go on. Go shower or whatever. Maybe Ill see you around later.

The woman pushed up the arms of her long-sleeved shirt and turned to the digital readout of her treadmill. A scar wound down her right forearm, jagged, like from a knife, not clean like from an operation. There was a story there.

Listen, do you like to play trivia? Jule asked, against her better judgment.

A smile. White but crooked teeth. Im excellent at trivia, actually.

They run it every other night in the lounge downstairs, said Jule. Its pretty much rubbish. You wanna go?

What kind of rubbish?

Good rubbish. Silly and loud.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

Good, said Jule. Well kill it. Youll be glad you took a vacation. Im strong on superheroes, spy movies, YouTubers, fitness, money, makeup, and Victorian writers. What about you?

Victorian writers? Like Dickens?

Yeah, whatever. Jule felt her face flush. It suddenly seemed an odd set of things to be interested in.

I love Dickens.

Get out.

I do. The woman smiled again. Im good on Dickens, cooking, current events, politics… lets see, oh, and cats.

All right, then, said Jule. It starts at eight oclock in that lounge off the main lobby. The bar with sofas.

Eight oclock. Youre on. The woman walked over and extended her hand. Whats your name again? Im Noa.

Jule shook it. I didnt tell you my name, she said. But its Imogen.

Jule West Williams was nice-enough-looking. She hardly ever got labeled ugly, nor was she commonly labeled hot. She was short, only five foot one, and carried herself with an up-tilted chin. Her hair was in a gamine cut, streaked blond in a salon and currently showing dark roots. Green eyes, white skin, light freckles. In most of her clothes, you couldnt see the strength of her frame. Jule had muscles that puffed off her bones in powerful arcslike shed been drawn by a comic book artist, especially in the legs. There was a hard panel of abdominal muscle under a layer of fat in her midsection. She liked to eat meat and salt and chocolate and grease.

Jule believed that the more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle.

She believed that the best way to avoid having your heart broken was to pretend you dont have one.

She believed that the way you speak is often more important than anything you have to say.

She also believed in action movies, weight training, the power of makeup, memorization, equal rights, and the idea that YouTube videos can teach you a million things you wont learn in college.

If she trusted you, Jule would tell you she went to Stanford for a year on a track-and-field scholarship. I got recruited, she explained to people she liked. Stanford is Division One. The school gave me money for tuition, books, all that.

What happened?

Jule might shrug. I wanted to study Victorian literature and sociology, but the head coach was a perv, shed say. Touching all the girls. When he got around to me, I kicked him where it counts and told everybody who would listen. Professors, students, the Stanford Daily. I shouted it to the top of the stupid ivory tower, but you know what happens to athletes who tell tales on their coaches.

Excerpt copyright 2017 by E. Lockhart. Published by Delacorte Press, an imprint of Random House Childrens Books, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

Read more: http://on.mash.to/2jOItND

from Exclusive: Bestselling author E. Lockhart to publish a new YA novel

[whatisntgrace]

Emoji Asks

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone? i dont really have any that ive never told anyone ?

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? my damn self. that bitch deserves a hug

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why? Raikou ultimately, because the uniqueness and individuality it embodies. Sylveon for mostly same reasons

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like? gay probably

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? i havent dreamt recently enough for me to remember anything

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend? she’s always willing to support me and give me answers 

😘 talk about your crush or partner: pass lol

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back? only if they were someone in which deserved it ?? 

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!): my style, my individuality, and my so-called “evolved” mentality

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it? rejection and abandonment, and as i went through it recently, i overcome it by occupying myself with things that make me feel like im a valuable, worthwhile human being

🎁 what never fails to make you happy? listening to music i like or online shopping/browsing 

💙 what annoys you about some people? incompetence or inability to work well with others despite differences

😤 do you get angry easily? if youre someone i value then no but if youre someone i rarely talk to or dont know that well then yeah

🐇 what do you always daydream about? myself in the future, who i’ll be with and what i’ll be doing, whether im successful or not

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?  overall disputes with views on current issues, more quiet places, less stealing and robbery

✈️ what is your dream city and why? San Francisco or Los Angeles, mostly because every time I’ve visited each I feel a connection with the atmosphere there

☕️ talk about your ideal day: waking up at 7am, taking a shower, grabbing starbucks, drawing something amazing, watching a favorite movie, going shopping with my friends, and going to bed with comfy fluffy blankets

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert? ambivery but i lean towards extrovery mostly because im not too shy around anyone anymore

💧 when was the last time you cried? yesterday bc my stepmom stole 60$ from me (:

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment: Rooting for My Baby- Miley Cyrus, Dirty Sexy Money- The Struts, You Have a Hold on My Heat- RVR, and That’s What I Like- Bruno Mars

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? shape-shifting, because i find it interesting how you could be multiple things and change into others at will

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR SEXUALITY

💚 who are you jealous of and why? anyone who has rly good makeup and a lot of it because... pls

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why? bravery, because thats something id say i lack a lot and probably wouldve helped me in the past 

🙊 what are you ashamed of? my family 

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn? i know english and spanish but learning french sounds ight

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? Augustus Waters mostly bc he seemed so awesome to be around and just an overall good influence on mood

☁️ talk about your dream universe. basically something aesthetically out of vaporwave that sounds so cool ( i hate vaporwave music though please spare me)

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?  i cleaned my house so there u go 

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why? a rly fat orange cat, bc i love orange cats and being a fat lazy cat just sounds so awesome. no responsibilities (,:

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike: i fucking HATE when people think they can walk all over me or just say something to get me to shut up. like, honestly im stronger than that

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately: my future, even though i daydream about it a lot it scares me to think it could all be something i never wanted or not something that will help me achieve my dream

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now? i wanted to be a teacher up until middle school, but now i want to be some sort of artist (maybe work for cartoon network or produce designs for cartoon characters?)

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods? i LOVE ice cream and chocolate covered pretzels. lollipops too 

🍑 what are you obsessed with? The Weeknd and what whole dark glowy aesthetic, but also the rosy, gold aesthetic. I also love sailor moon and some animes

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed? i break down almost? not that badly, but i fear that ill never get the work done or what i have to do is too overwhelming 

😪 what are you sick of? being treated like nothing less than shit by my own family

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker? in some ways yes but i wouldnt do certain things to feel adrenaline (sky diving, bungee jumping, rollercoasters)

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have? i like miley cyrus’ new music (some-most of it), cold is better than warm, ugly, conceptual art is better than pretty, flat art

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person? in most aspects yes, but i do see myself become a bad person at times 

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies? i mostly draw i guess

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself? i dont believe you by p!nk

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it? i am the WORST at explaining or venting my feelings, mostly because theyre just hard to describe and when i do i feel them so strongly theres nothing to do but feel them rather than talk about them

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored? eyes and little cats or characters

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams? the fear of ruining my school career 

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you? enfp????? i think it perfectly describes me because im extroverted and feeling as heck

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? Dakota Blue Richards (shes beautiful and just all around a great person id like her to b my gf), Abel Tesfaye (The Weeknd, he’s such an awesome person and he makes even better music)

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person? ABSOLUTELY. i get super happy then super sad and i always am sympathetic and empathetic, i dont cry at movies/books tho ?

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help? i listen to sad music when im sad, and if i find a song that i actually like ill start listening to songs i like and i usually feel better

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad? that better things will come and that im a person that is so different from anyone else 

🌍 which country do you live in? america 

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words: emotional, generous, creative

💭 do you keep a diary? i did when i was younger but i feel like i should

💫 who inspires you? my friends 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why? i somewhat do but not the possess, evil type. just roamin in the afterlife ??

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like? i dont have any specific taste but i do like color blocking and windbreakers, along w embroidered pants and boots

🎬 what are some of your favourite films? Big Eyes, Kill Bill Vol. 1+2, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and Burlesque 

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory? my dad taking me to preschool one day and i had headphones on watching spongebob and i had a hot chocolate in my carseat cupholder. the life tbh

🐱 what’s your dream pet like? a big fat cat that just lays with me and is basically my partner in crime, or a huge dog that is playful and also fluffy

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be? Nicki Minaj because I bet she’s so good to be around