#i legit think its trying to gaslight me into thinking it was never here | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

weabooweedwitch · 2 years ago

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Sigh. Um. Just kind of going to cry a little bit for the thing with my trip because that big whole "imma pay all expenses to rush this guaranteed" thing fell through completely

So the service i was looking at was rushmypassport which goes through FedEx and all that, seems very legit, has a lot of reviews so on so forth. Anyways. They offer a service for getting your passport in one week and its $799 not including shipping charges not including passport costs and I was going to shell it out, this was so important for me, I was going to shell out over 1 grand combined for the passport and this expedition sevice ON TOP OF what I've already paid for travel and hotel costs. I was going to pay big money to make this trip stick because I NEED IT

A rushmypassport online chat rep told me I would need to call and make an appointment for them to go do on my behalf. A FedEx employee in person told me the exact same thing. I call the official national passport agency to make the appointment i was just told to make and what does the rep say? Uh no they do not let third party services do these kinds of expedited appointments, it has to be me, only me. So what's the fucking deal here? What am I misunderstanding? Is this false advertising or am I just absolutely fucking stupid or something?

Their chat lines closed before I could call and I hate myself like I, I thought I would be ok, I didn't know the rushmypassport lines closed early amd I thought I just needed to call the agency, otherwise I would have called their helpline with questions as soon as I heard from the passport rep. I sent an email begging for clarification, telling them exactly what happened, asking if I did something wrong and if so what do I need to do, how do they get me my passport,, and all that I won't hear back on until the morning and I already just. I'm so sad.

But

As salt in my festering traumatizing wounds

My fucking mother of course in her excellence parentage looks at me sobbing on the couch and decides this is an appropriate time for her to chime in with all sorts of "this is why I told you to do XYZ but you didn't listen" kind of statements over and over and I say, ok you're right whatever can you please stop trying to make me feel bad and just see if you can help me now? But she brings up agsin, "I was trying to help you and you didn't listen" and I say "you're doing it again can you stop can you just try and help?"

And she does it again? She says it again? Am I having a stroke?

Im sobbing and I say "you're doing it again, why"

And she

Does

Again

And I'm sobbing "why won't you stop"

And

Again

And im sitting there looking at my work box cutter sitting there on the couch and im thinking of cutting my throat as im sitting there literally hysterically crying begging her to stop making pointless "I told you so statements" that make me feel bad, im clearly communicating this, and she just replies over and over like some kind of narcissistic heartless parrot? And then she just HUFFS AND GETS ANGRY. AT ME. AND JUST "whatever you're on your own why did I even try to help you when you act like this"

Is this gaslighting??? My entire fucking life has been like this. I never trust my own opinion anymore. I feel bad for asking for anything or wanting anything or liking anything or trusting anyone or getting gifts and. Im breaking down.

I was sitting there sobbing as she's digging into me and you know what I remembered? That's exactly what she did when we were homeless several years ago and we were out in the tent and I became so suicidal I had to go to the hospital, anyone remember? That was the last time I had to be inpatient. I was sitting there, tired, homeless, sitting with our 4 cats and a dog in a tent that was LEAKING WATER WHEN IT RAINED, WE WERE COLD AND WET AND HAD NO MONEY, and I was sitting there at rhe campsite as she complained and threw her own little pity party over and over until I was about to reach for the neighboring camper's steak knife sitting out on the camp table and start stabbing myself in the thigh

Its just. I. I guess some things never really change. I wish my heart hurting would change. I dunno. I'm gonna keep calling the passport line because I'm still holding on to the hope that rhe severe bomb cyclone and winter storms will cause canceled flights and I can somehow still make it, but, we will see. Its probably ober. There is still February. I dont knownwhy this matters so much to me. I really shouldn't say it butbberore this friend kind of pulled me out of an emotional dark hole I was. Kind of. Planning to be gone by now. And I just wanted to see him to thank him for that

I just. Need to tell myself if I have to wait until February that thats fine. But what if the wait for the passport even overlaps with the February week he has off since a passport can even take 5-6 weeks? What about these services offering expeditions? I'm so confused. I feel sick. I just need some sleep. I have work in an hour though. I dont know what to do. I'm hopeless.

Even if I figure something out with this visit, it won't change the problems at home...

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ninjas-and-coffee · 4 years ago

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WU SUCKS but not the reason you think

I'd like to preface by saying Wu has made a lot of mistakes and should be held accountable. But like the main arguments against Wu be like.

1: Morro

2: Traumatizing kids

3: Keeping secrets

4: Mot treating his nephew like is damn nephew.

5: Flirting with his brothers wife.

And the thing about that needs talked about. 1:Morro. First off getting kids hopes is not cool. It can be detrimental to development depending on the age of the child. BUT. Not a single soul told Morro to train tirelessly for 60+ years after his death to take revenge and be the green ninja. Absolutly no one. Wu had compassion for his failings and wanted to show Morro he could still he great without being the green ninja. But the little brat ran tf off and got trapped and died. And he got cursed, how- we dont know. But its implied that it's either intentional entrapment or you have to be a terrible person, guess which category he probably falls into. Mind you Wu also told our OGs that they could also be the green ninja and none of them went off the rails to settle some invisible score. Morro made his choices and he made shit ones. Wu was an influence but not the problem. Morro is unstable, dramatic, and holds grudges Wu didnt cause that.

2: the traumatic experiences the nina go through are also not exactly his fault. He didnt just pick them off the streets. THERE WAS A PROPHECY. Ok? Yall with me. Fate isnt uncontrolled by anyone the ninja needed to be trained to help Lloyd fight the Overlord. That wasnt his decision. And yall act like the ninja couldn't leave whenever they wanted to. He didnt gaslight them or belittle them in anyway that wasnt for teaching. Please bring me receipts if you think otherwise. I do admit he could help a little more, be more clear, but when has a old magic teacher character ever been straightforward. With that logic fuck Dumbledore, and Gandalf, and any wise old teacher that goes to find chosen one who once again are chosen by fate not the master himself. Yall literally cant blame Wu for Child's Play and you cant blame Wu for their experience with Nadakhan either. The enemies that go out of there way to attack the ninja are not a direct cause if Wu himself. Usually. It be like blaming Garmadon for Chen. Yes they had history but it's still not his fault

3: Secrets. I will admit there is next to no reason for keeping secrets from the ninja. Considering history always has kind of score to settle. But considering his age and the apparent imprisonment or death of his past enemies there no way to predict every problem that comes back to screw him over. The Time Twins for example. Yes they came back for Wu. But he did remove their powers and separated them over 20+ years ago. They were not exactly threats to his new students now were they? Again with Aspheera, who was literally locked in a tomb why take the time to educate the ninja on a problem he had no idea was going to come back for him. Same with Morro to a more confusing degree. MORRO DIED. How was he to prepare the ninja for that? Yes please tell me how they were supposed to prepare for a dead guy. I'll wait.........k. he should be more forthcoming with the ninja, about things he knows could harm them, like the Serpentine after Lloyds released them, Chen, the Overlord, the effects of Travelers Tea, Tomorrow's Tea, Oni, Etc. But most of the time the ninja go and do it first then wonder why Wu didn't warn them.

4: His nephew. Wow his parenting sucks. Morro is not his damn child let's start there. Comparing their relationship is unfair. Wu cared for Morro the way he cares for Kai and Nya. He never accentuates a paternal relationship with then. Cause they are students, students he has to train with he intent to send them out onto dangerous battle fields and mind games. He was alone so yes it looks different but it's also a leap to just assume that Wu viewed Morro as his own despite treating him the exact same way as his 6 other students. Now back to Lloyd. Why didnt he get his nephew from Darkleys where it was known he ran away from multiple times? I DONT KNOW. No one does. That is a bad move I can only theorize about. Maybe Misako said something about staying away, maybe he wasnt kept in the loop about his nephews whereabouts due to idk KICKING HIS FATHER INTO HELL. C'mon yall. Now in the later seasons my best guess is that he doesnt know how to differentiate his nephew from the chosen one side and the goofy child side. Hes never had a child and his early relations with Lloyd were scarce and when Lloyd came to live with him. It's not due to some familial obligation, destiny literally called for it. Putting some definite strain on their relationship. I'm not excusing it he should try better, but he'd have to build a relationship from nothing and most people know their immediate family upon birth or during childhood which is not the case here. Wu treats his nephew more like a vessel of power than a person which isnt cool but knowing that the kid might not come back after every fight is a good damper on happy relationships is it not?

5: Misako. Good lord I don't have to explain this one. No excuse. It shouldn't be happening. BUT. After Garmadons death she was a free woman as gross as it is. It's more a flaw on her than it is him she chose to have a baby with one brother and still try to get with the other. And I know it takes two to tango but dont get mad at the idiot that the cheater is cheating with. Be mad at the cheater. The thing people really dont get about love triangles. The "other guy" brings on the questions/options but the person who cant choose or screws with both parties is the one in the wrong. Lloyd seems ok with it. Because Tommy said so. I dont particular give two shits about his take on the show half the time. If Lloyd were actively against it the Wu would probably stop. If the Fsm family acted like a normal ass family we probably wouldnt be here. But their priorities are a little screwy compared to typical nuclear families. Not an excuse just some perspective

NOW, why he is a bad character despite all of those arguments. he chooses to train soldiers rather than care for impressionable teens. Yes the situation called for it but the pressure could he alleviated if he decided to actually help before the world was on fire. He chooses to teach by experience than be upfront. Which works sometimes but not when actual lives are at stake. His trial by fire teaching works but the possiblity it could go wrong is to big to be brushed aside. His seemingly unreachable vault of empathy is hard to swallow. He rarely actually feels things for other people, his lack of enthusiasm when they pull through something hurts to watch. His lack of empathy about raising his nephew to attempt to kill his father is frightening. The pride he demonstrates by choosing not to disclose his past until it's too late is dangerous. He doesnt directly put down the ninja unless he has to and its more implied than anything and is on his students and this fandom for taking it so harshly. He trusts them a lot because he doesnt see them as kids anymore. They are warriors and it was necesary. He should have more compassion. He should be more straight forward, he should try to act like a person and not some ethereal being of elsewhere that doesn't have time to appease feelings or care about people until after hes wronged them. His values are off kilter sometimes which is whatever until it starts to hurt people

But yall need to stop blaming him for other people actions. Morro was a mess to begin with. His problems are in the past because he took care of them already. Misako came onto him. (He should have resisted but he didnt start shit she did). He needs to try to be an uncle alongside being a teacher. He needs to act like a fucking person more than the infinite cache of wisdom and unforeseen unused power that he acts like. And also it's a kids show. How many children think the way yall do?, we're teens/YAs we're reading into things. A LOT which makes everything more complicated. Comments rebuttals open. There's a collection of little mistakes hes made along the way that dont fit into these categories but these are the main reasons I know people hate him and the little things add fuel to the fire. I will legit talk about anything Except for the morro thing I am so tired of seeing it Morro made his choices hes a fucking Villain Wu didnt make him that way being a bitter asshole did that. Thanks for reading!! :3

#ninjago #coffee speaks #lloyd garmadon #fuckin misako #Wu ninjago #discourse #ranting #tw: negative #replies will be on my second account of there are any #trust me i hate him too #morro #tw: aldultery #not art

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calunasteria · 3 years ago

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please, xanny. | sanzu haruchiyo

"𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙢𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙙𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙩𝙨 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙨 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚."

- wherein sanzu haruchiyo falls in love. that's all. (i'm bad at summarising my stories, i'm sorry ><)

current word count: 3.1k

tw (throughout the series): mentions of drug use and abuse, manipulation (gaslighting) and toxic relationships, mentions of blood, death, and murder, rape (attempt), use of deadly weapons, slight nsfw (??) - kindly tell me if i missed one. thank you.

date started: 07/29/21 (wattpad) | 07/31/21 (tumblr)

date ended: -

01 ! please,xanny.

what was it? was it the alcohol? was it the food they ate earlier? maybe it was spoiled, or worse, maybe it has drugs? probably no.

maybe she's just overthinking things.

maybe she's just imagining all of this.

to say that she's inloveㅡ no, cross that out, to say that he's inlove is dangerous.

but how is it that the sanzu haruchiyo, bonten's number 2, is making her feel numerous things?

he reeked of instability, insanity.

yet his touch was as soft as the cotton, gentle like the wind, it was comforting.

say....

have you ever known what it felt like to drive on highways, with gnawing trepidation?

to taste betrayal and fondness while running on an endless tunnel of vague roads?

to be loved by none other than sanzu haruchiyo?

"welcome everyone, to our company's afterparty, please enjoy yourselves for tonight!" honey dripping voice echoed throughout the wide spaced room that is decorated with some dimmed and flashing lights, shimmering crystals plastered on the wall, extravagant leather couches, and large, black speakers booming with music. her soft, delicate hands then set the microphone down, as her wavy jet black hair bounced and swayed as she walked down the stairs with elegance.

"nakashima-san, the director wants to talk to you, he said to head towards the VIP area, over there." a small voice beside the stairs managed to squeak out, catching the girl's attention and turning her head to the direction he pointed at.

"did he told you the reason why he wanted to talk to me?" she asked, voice filled with a hint of irritation and tiredness - the complete opposite of how she sounded earlier on the stage. the boy shook his head, then uttered 'excuse me' before dashing away from his superior.

the girl then just sighed and walked towards the bar counter, which is the complete opposite of the direction she was told to go.

"one grey goose martini and a plain cranberry juice, please. thank you." she ordered as she sat down.

"wow, you're actually gonna drink tonight, kasumi? are your shits finally getting to you, girl?" the lady beside her stated with amusement as she popped out of nowhere, a glass of whiskey found in her hand, still laughing and smiling drunkenly.

"yes, kaoru. where the fuck were you? you were supposed to be the one to speak up front earlier to welcome the guests, not me, because i was the one who arranged this. and now boss said he wanted to talk to me about something." kasumi vented to her friend while her friend's grin just got wider, further infuriating her.

"whY THE HELL ARE YOU SMILING KAORU I-"

"calm the fuck down, kasumi, don't let boss get into your nerves, okay? its just me, so inhale, exhale. nice! see, just go drink your shits and talk to boss later. maybe hand in your resignation slip, you know?" kaoru laughed while wiggling her eyebrows and hugging kasumi.

the two talked to each other for a while before kasumi bid her goodbye and stood up to head to the direction she was supposed to go to earlier.

her heels clacked on the expensive marbled flooring while her black silk dress hugged her curvaceous body, gently flowing while walking.

upon reaching her destination, there she saw her boss with at least 4 women whispering and flirting with him, one on his lap and 3 beside him, along side with his other friends and acquaintances. they both shared a glance momentarily as kasumi forcefully smiled to her boss.

"ah yes, everyone, excuse me for i have something to finish up with my personal assistant." her boss announced to all the people around him, making kasumi uncomfortable and embarrassed, by all the stares she accumulated and daggers she got from the women who was flirting earlier with her boss.

"let's go, darling." sentence uttered by her boss before they left the place with him grabbing her wrist, and oh heavenly archons how irritated kasumi was because of her boss' actions and words.

she was practically being dragged away the from the event area, their shoes resonating throughout the empty hallways that are connected to the parking lot when she asked him, "excuse me sir, but where are we going? i thought you said you wanted to talk to me?"

"hmmm, yes. that's right, don't worry, kasumi-chan, we're just going to talk while where on a late night drive, and it'll definitely enlighten you. now get in the car." he ordered with flirty yet stern voice but kasumi did not budge at all - she just stared in disbelief to her boss, anger bubbling up within her.

"kasumi, we both know that i don't like repeating myself, now do what i said, please."

"i'm sorry but i don't think i'll go with you since we can talk here. so just say what you need to say so i can get on with my life, thank you." she declared cheekily.

"i said get in the car, why are yo-" he blurted out with annoyance but was cut off when kasumi said, "seems to me like you don't have anything to say, well i have one, i'm resigning, kitamura-san, i'll hand the file tomorrow, so if you have any requests, tell them to your next assistant." then proceeds to walk away that made her boss snap.

rushing towards her with malice and anger, with his system being controlled by the alcohol he consumed earlier, he grabbed kasumi's hair making her stumble and lose her balance, while the towering man held her waist with his left arm and his right arm held her face forcefully, and whispered to her from behind, "that's what i hate about you, you're so fucking stubborn, you and your smart ass mouth, i hate it so fucking much makes me want to shove my dick down your throat to make you obey me, and cry you bitch."

kasumi had chills run down her spine when she heard her boss mutter those words to her, and when she felt him grinding on her from behind ㅡ the last string of patience she had snapped in half, all she can see was red.

she used all her strength to stomp on the man's foot making him clutch down because of pain inflicted by her stiletto, releasing his hands that grasped her smaller frame. her hands then moved swiftly with anger to slap the man before her, knees being lifted up to kick his crotch making him to finally crumple down on the floor, silently mumbling profanities under his breath containing hatred.

"the next time you pull that stunt with me, or with other girls, i'll make sure you won't have something called dick after that." she threatened, voice laced with venom as she tried to wipe the ruffles that ruined her expensive, dusk colored dress.

"don't think you'll get away with this, bitch." the man croaked out while standing up, eyes filled with animosity, but then falling on his knees once again when a sharp, solid whipping sound tore through his thighs, vermillion colored blood gushing out of the gaping hole that was shot, followed by his shrill, agonized wail.

"seems like you grew stronger these past few years, kasumi-chan." a familiar voice grinned, few meters away from her.

"haruchiyo." she whispered under her breath, astounded.

***

"kasumi? are you listening?" a soft feminine voice spoke out, breaking the deep trance the raven coloured hair girl was in - chasmic ebony eyes stared at the person next to her, embarrassment creeping up in her system, realizing that she hasn't paid any attention to the words and sentences that her friend was telling her.

"i'm sorry, kaoru. what were you saying again?" she apologized, tuning her attention towards her half eaten sandwich that she was munching earlier.

"i was asking you if you know that boy over there, 5 o'clock," kasumi whipped her head towards the direction her friend gave her, eyes landing on a somewhat familiar person - he had a medium length hair dyed with bleach blonde, eyes glimmering like precious blue zircon gem, long and beautiful eyelashes that highlighted his daring eyes and a noticeable black mask covering half of his face. he looked so serene among the vast crowd filled with bustling people.

"sanzu?" she asked turning her head to her friend who's eyes sparked with curiosity and underlying suspicions.

"how'd you know him?" the petite girl squinted her eyes to her friend, making kasumi roll her ebony orbs. "i just happen to know his name. after all, he's in a gang, right? toman, i think."

"i wasn't aware that you know about gangs, kasumi-chan. perhaps you like their leader, huh." her friend teased earning another eye roll from her brunette friend. "i'm just kidding. its just that i haven't saw him without his mask. some people say he has nasty scar on both side of his mouth, and i don't know if its legit, but given the fact that he wears that mask, its probably true." kaoru shrugged and stood up to head to their class.

sanzu haruchiyo. he was definitely mysterious, kasumi mused, as she walked. he was quiet and he had a calm demeanor when he talks. they weren't close but they shared a small talk in the past, and usually its just about school, like each of their classes borrowing and returning some school supplies and other little things. she never even heard him speak more than 7 words. well, it wasn't a big deal, since she thinks that he's just an another person on this world who has probably their own shits to deal with. he was insignificant to her as she was to him. or so she thought.

their room was filled with silent mumblings, a heavenly boring stupor that kasumi tried to fight, heavily lidded eyes blinking slowly in the hopes of trying to understand their lesson - she was tired and sleepy and it was not long until their class ended, her mind being awakened once again like a newborn baby, because she's going home.

their house reeked of alcohol and despair, of cigarettes and sorrow - it was a hopeless sight. everything was a mess. kasumi then heard a faint coughing on their kitchen and there she saw her ill mother who's trying to wash the dishes with her frail arms, her thin and small frame found her daughter who rushed to her side to help her do the chores but then just told her to sit down and rest.

"mama, you're not supposed to be doing that. you're the one here who needs to rest, i can handle that. besides, where's papa?"

"he's out, i think. but don't worry, kasumi i'm almost finished. we can then eat dinner afterwards so you can talk to me about what happened today with you? you don't have work tonight, right sweetheart?" her mother's voice was definitely her haven, it was warm and sweet. "yes, sure." the girl replied, already at ease but then her phone chimed loudly, signaling that someone texted her - it was her co-worker that texted her he can't attend his shift, and was asking kasumi to be the one to replace him for the mean time.

what are the fucking odds.

her mother noticed the younger's change of emotion and asked, "who was it, sweetheart?" and it pained kasumi to leave her mother alone again but she needs to work. she needs the money. "i need to go, i actually have work since im covering for my co-worker's shift. i'll be right back, so make sure you eat your dinner. i love you." she kissed her mother on her forehead before she left.

***

"thank you, come again!" the girl chimed in, weariness evident in her voice. it was 2:30am and god knows how tired she was. this was supposed to be her day off but the universe just straight up said no.

"nakashima-san, i'm so sorry, you can now go, i'll take it from here on. please take this on your way home as a compensation for what you did to me. thank you! take care on your way home." her co-worker apologized, shyly smiling and blush evident on his cheeks as he handed her a plastic bag filled with some foods and snacks.

kasumi uttered her thanks, with a small smile as she went to change her clothes to go home already as all she wants to do right now was sleep and rest.

upon reaching the store's parking area for bicycles, she noticed that one its tires was flat. she sighed loudly, venting out her exasperation and frustration.

"well, guess i'll walk then. fuckkkkkk. this isn't my day huh." she groaned, muttering some profanities before going on her way home.

it was a chilly night, the breeze was crisp and wintry, with her trembling breath rising up forming a ghostly smoke, vanishing into thin air as she exhales. her whole body was quivering because her cardigan was too thin for this type of weather. kasumi hugged herself in hopes of warming herself up. the skies were tainted with midnight blue perfectly combined with the pitch black heavens decorated with gleaming constellations and stars, along with the dimly hanged moon.

her way home usually takes around 30-40 minutes with her bike, and around an hour and a half if one decides to walk. it was a peaceful and cold night not until she passed this one dark alleyway where there were 2 men laughing their asses off, and another one drinking away his life. kasumi paid no attention to the men and just picked up her walking pace to quickly get out of the picture when her left arm was sharply snatched by one of the men in the dark alleyway.

"hey pretty, wanna have fun with us?" the man grinned like a maniac, his yellow teeth visible and his breath smelled like rum and hostility combined together. the other men laughed like crazy while the last one ogled at kasumi's body.

"no, let me go you ugly bastards." kasumi snapped, snatching her hand away from the man, before turning away to run. she wasn't dumb to not pick up what in fuck was happening back there, so she tried to regain her composure by trying to find her phone to dial the number of her friend who's probably still awake by now to call for help when her hair was maliciously dragged backwards making her lose her balance only to fall on the ground and be dragged away. the plastic bag she was carrying along with her phone was now nowhere to be found.

only her hoarse cry for help was audible, she was too slow, too tired, too exhausted for all of the things happening to her - but her body was flailing so hard, trying to release herself from the man's tight grasp on her hair and it felt like its going to be ripped off her head anytime soon when they stopped on the same alleyway the men were previously drinking. "bitch thought she can get away with us, well let me tell you something sweetheart, we don't take no as an answer. plus you were wearing that thin-ass blouse, you're trying to seduce us after all so let's have fun shall we?" the bald headed man smirked while he held kasumi down on the ground.

she was terrified, frustrated, and she's doing her best to try and fight them all away. she was able to slap and kick the two of them, desperation was highly evident as she frantically scramble to her feet but that was as far as she can go for she was violently punched and slapped before she fell down with her vision getting hazy, tears streaming down her face non-stop as she lost all her energy to fight. everything was becoming blurry and she was now just hoping for everything to just end.

she was so lost in her train of thought that she didn't even realize that the men who were trying to break and ruin her were now out cold, laying on the freezing ground while a man towered over them.

"stand up." was all kasumi heard when she snap back to reality and saw a figure standing before her, wearing an all black outfit - black jacket, black jeans, and a black mask. his straight bleach colored hair was neatly tied up in a ponytail too.

"stand up." sanzu repeated as kasumi tried to stand up, still shaken by what happened to her and the picture of the scene before her. kasumi then felt something drape over her shoulder when sanzu came near her, his mint and delicate masculine scent filling her senses.

"follow me." was all the boy said before he exited the alleyway leaving her all alone with his jacket that he gave her. following his footsteps, while tightly clutching his jacket, she saw a shiny, and expensive looking car few meters out the alleyway with sanzu standing near it, and as she got closer to him, she heard him say, "get in."

not wanting and not having enough energy to fight nor say anything, kasumi just silently obliged to what he said. after getting inside the vehicle, sanzu followed afterwards, turning on the car and driving to god knows where - kasumi was drained, and she couldn't care less what would happen anymore although she wanted to say and atleast utter her gratitude towards the boy beside her, but her voice just seems to be gone. the car ride with him was silent, but it wasn't awkward. it wasn't uncomfortable. it wasn't scary either, rather, it was surprisingly comforting.

moments later, kasumi saw a familiar house outside her window when sanzu pulled up and opened the door for her, handing her some of the things she brought earlier - her bag and her phone.

he didn't talk, he didn't say anything before heading out and going inside his car once again, and driving away.

kasumi was dumbfounded.

she have so many questions whirling over her head like, how did he know my place? why did he do that?

she entered their house with her head aching - cross that out, with her whole body aching, everything that happened to her this day had taken a toll on her. she was definitely traumatized and shaken by what happened. with her literally dragging her body towards her room desperate to rest and lay down on the soft and smooth mattress.

and even though she was almost raped, and potentially murdered, the one thing that stuck in her head was sanzu. sanzu haruchiyo.

and she swore to find him tomorrow before she fell into a deep slumber.

#bonten #bonten tokyorev #sanzu haruchiyo #tokyo manji gang #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers kokonoi #toman sanzu #toman gang

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weirdcursedvaultkid · 3 years ago

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I would honestly find it easier to much better if Merula actually was part of R at this point, as she could have easily joined when she was younger and less aware of what R is and now she is stuck. But if she is like a double agent I find it harder to stomach, because MC is really hurt by this. And lying and gaslighting and keeping the truth from them is just hurting them more. The lies are more forgivable if she fears jailtime or is unable to leave R, as Azkaban is a huge human rights violation

god ok ajkdfh i feel like the biggest merula apologist let me first say i dont like how this is being handled at all i wish merula and mc could have an honest and open conversation about what the hell is going on. I wish mc could just confront her about what they saw without having to be sneaky and indirect about it and i wish merula could just tell mc what is going on with her right now and whats going on behind the scenes. but things are never that simple and easy now are they

under a readmore bc i ramble for a bit (i tried to keep it short but theres a lot 😭)

i think theres probably a legit reason WHY merula cant just tell mc whats going on . at least not right now. we dont know whats going on or what shes involved in currently. all we know is that merula has been under A LOT of pressure lately and thats probably contributing to the "mood swings" she mentioned

^^ this sounds literally so stressful for her if shes coming back worried. to me it almost seems like... merula is trying to protect mc in a way by keeping all this from them? and unfortunately that means she's going to feel like she has to lie and deny stuff and hide things from mc

i understand merulas defensiveness when mc is confronting her and not telling her the REAL reason they suspect her. as far as merula knew at that point in the convo.. mc doesnt know anything so to her the only reason mc suspects her is bc... shes being nice? bc she cared about a friend? bc she apologized? its honestly.. a little insulting not gonna lie. i can understand merula being hurt by this after everything her and mc have gone through (mc's not the only one being hurt here!)

the fact that she didnt react angrily as you'd expect her to and instead calmly explained herself and what shes feeling i think says A LOT

^^ this sounds like merula may be in way over her head so thats why im personally giving her the benefit of the doubt whether shes been a part of R for a while or if shes a double agent or something else entirely.. and im choosing to believe her when she says this.

also i will mention the game has rly been pushing this message of not everything being black and white and grey morality and making the player question what is REALLY going on here (im pretty sure this is coreys purpose as a character actually kajdfh)

i genuinely think merula has mc's, her friends', and hogwart's best interest at heart. i genuinely believe her when she says she has changed. i genuinely believe she is trying her best. she may not be handling it the best but the girls been thru a lot and is still currently still going thru a lot so i can cut her some slack. and yall dont have to if u dont want to ... im obviously biased here lol

and if im wrong about her. then ill be the first to put my clown makeup on lmao

#mella speaks #im ridiculous but wow this is just so interesting to talk about akdfj #asks #hphm spoilers

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ofcloudsandstars · 4 years ago

Note

Amber and orchard for the fall asks!

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

Hahaha this is like cracking open pandora’s box. I feel like I have too many.

I think my primary one though is I absolutely despise capitalism’s affect on witchcraft. I DO NOT think it’s made it more accessible for people, I feel like the only very minor positive thing is that you can now tell people you are a witch and into tarot cards and they won’t find you as weird anymore. Otherwise people don’t realize how capitalism is a force that actually strips culture of it’s meaning in order to sell it for profit and it’s affects on this practice has left a lot of damage not just to some aspects that are sacred but towards the earth since it’s a practice that works really closely with nature.

(added a read more to spare you poor scrolling souls from my rant lol)

Anyway what crapitalism does is it takes a culture and turns it into an easily consumable concept- almost like a brand, so that as long as you slap something ‘witchy’ seeming together then it qualifies as that brand. It boils everything down to an aesthetic. And no one has to actually believe in it anymore, or practice it or make any effort towards learning it or incorporating it into their lives. As long as they buy into the brand or embody the aesthetic then they count. Sometimes you can try to express that some traditions and materials and such do have meaning (I mean of course they do no one just sat around and made this shit up) people kind of have this nihilistic view that’s fed from this weird modern capitalist society that like: nothing truly has meaning anymore. But it’s like they are feeding this consumerist culture by repeating this mindset and gaslighting others when they appropriate magical practices or other cultures that are still very much alive and still tended to (often by indigenous people still being prosecuted) that are focused on working with the earth.

Then you see this ripple effect on places like instagram or the big mainstream like magazines and shit and do not get me wrong cause there are a lot of cool and creative people that practice this that are on there but there is so much cashing into this field now and oversaturation that comes with seedy and shady background stories that show creators being completely disingenuous because they really just want to make money. And then going back to my point that this practice works closely with nature, capitalism exploited the fact that we like working with certain herbs, woods, crystals etc and is overharvesting and mining and tainting the very tools that we want to work with, with greed, pollution, child slavery etc. And it’s irritating cause you can make your own tools and don’t have to import anything and you can tell everyone how bad some industries are but they don’t listen cause they are buying into capitalism’s lie that they can sell you anything at a price, even if it’s sacred. Then if you try to defend your point they tell you that this is the only way it can be accessible to everyone, but it’s NOT accessible to everyone, it strips it away from people that could be working with these tools for generations and protecting the climates that these guides and resources for the tools grow in. It also disempowers people in their craft to begin with because witchcraft is about finding that connection to your own power and magic and the bridge with the universe’s power and magic and when you venture down into this practice you will find tools and guides local to you and find ways to make your own magical tools but capitalism disempowers us by telling us that we are not legit until we can put a price tag on it. So people don’t believe in their ability to find the sacred in themselves or nature, they just keep consuming whatever herb bundle or tool capitalism spits at them because it’s the only way to feel legit in this culture.

And then since it’s seen more of a title or aesthetic and less of a way of life or set of ethics or practice, you have people interested in this spiritual or witchy community that don’t do any work or want to work on themselves that bring their shadow baggage into it. So you get racism seeping into it, homophobia, I also am so fucking confused how TRANSPHOBIA has made its way into here like transfolx are magical by just existing they are walking manifestations and works of alchemy like wtf; and like if you guys were friends with any queer people and hung out with them, they get the idea of magic, ritual and manifestation so well cause so much of their daily life already embodies some of that. But that’s a whole other topic. I vibed well with my queer friends on this and they were the only ones I could talk to about it before witchcraft became mainstream.

Then in general it’s seen as like radical if you tell people that are supposedly practicing witches that our energies should be focusing on restoring balance and we should put our energy towards healing nature or towards human rights (since humans are apart of nature) you will literally have witches being like: don’t tell me what to do!!! Like!! Gurl wtf lmaoo I don’t know how people claim to be empaths or into this but they don’t see that maybe if there was a so called “Great Awakening” to “Empower Ourselves” that’s probably what the fucking point was? Not to say that you need to spend every waking moment protesting (another contribution of capitalism- showing some kind of documented proof on social media that you stand for something instead of little daily actions embedded into your everyday life) but you can find ways to change your daily patterns to make space for the societal change that’s coming to bring in a more compassionate world and better community. But since we are so indoctrinated in this consumerist culture, so many people don’t know how to incorporate their values into their everyday lives anymore. It’s all about quantity and showing off on social media. And that negatively impacts witchcraft cause witchcraft is a daily practice you do little things for everyday that just gets embedded into your everyday life, but people get confused and think to be legit it’s something you gotta buy into or show off as proof with stylistic rituals and of course for many people that’s exhausting or financially inaccessible.

And for the sake of clarity cause the internet hates using critical thinking sometimes, of COURSE you can have a fun and flashy craft I’m not saying you can’t, but there is a massive imbalance here I am pointing out with how people are developing insecurities because they cannot attain this aesthetic overnight without dropping a shit ton of money. Yes witchcraft is very aesthetic-heavy but that’s because it’s a really creative practice that people pour their creativity and energy into and capitalism saw a way to put a price tag on it and now it’s confusing everyone else that’s mistaking this as something else to consume in exchange for money.

And then I hate that I feel often I cannot talk about this cause instead of people using their critical thinking braincells and realizing how bad capitalism is, they somehow turn this conversation into thinking that I just don’t like when a culture becomes mainstream cause not everyone should enjoy a culture or whatever and it’s like fucking hell of course I would LOVE more witches and to have more people into celebrating nature or finding their own magic and connecting to the universe and whatever, but capitalism isn’t helping at all. It’s separating us from it’s connection and the meaning behind it’s practice. (Also one day I dream of living in a witchy town or community so yeah, the more the merrier, but right now with capitalism, this method is not the way to get into this practice lol).

You really see the negative effects of capitalism marketing witchcraft because people now treat it as like this commodity they can jump into without finding a way to genuinely connect with it cause it’s all just a gimmick until the next zeitgeist. This either manifests in two ways where they think they can just buy a book or read some posts and not do any work on themselves or thinking on stuff like cultural appropriation so when they start experimenting they might bring harm to themselves by evoking spirits that do not want to work with them, or taking in some sacred herb or substance that can fuck them up leaving deep psychological damage or death- or they can harm others in a myriad of ways.

Then the other way it manifests are people feeling like witchcraft is suddenly inaccessible because you need money to practice it because capitalism put that veil over their eyes. It’s now another thing gatekept by money. So they try to reclaim it by being like: it’s just a title you can slap on yourself; but they give capitalism more power because that’s what capitalism was doing all along by stripping the meaning. Stripping it down to a concept that only matters as a label that evokes a brand or idea but not an actual practice. In a way it’s very counter culture to not buy into the aesthetic or put in effort anymore. Even if you want to put in effort you feel like you are not good enough cause you will never fit capitalism’s standards of quantity and money to spend to showcase it on the internet to feel legit. So people develop this no-effort approach to it. And ONCE AGAIN for clarity for the internet’s lack of critical thinking and jumping to conclusions I am NOT referring to anything like spoony witchcraft or energy based witchcraft (I am an energy witch primarily thank you very much) I am talking about people calling themselves witches but then when you want to sit down and chat about the craft they have a blank stare cause they were never serious and sometimes judge you for how much you cared about it cause they don’t really believe in it anyway. Not even cause it’s woowoo it’s cause capitalism doesn’t make you believe any anything anymore. The only thing it wants you to believe in is money and what you can consume with it.

And then when people online try to talk about this and point out it’s a practice these guys get angry with you like you are gatekeeping but it’s like BITCH it’s a FREE FUCKING PRACTICE like GO TALK TO A TREE go COLLECT A ROCK YOU FOUND IN THE CLEAR STREAM OF A BABBLING BROOK and maybe you’d CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Capitalism making it seem like you gotta buy all this shit to be seen as legit is not what this practice is about and it makes me upset how there is like this massive group of people that want to access this culture but are so lethargic about actually doing anything because they are disenchanted and it’s really because they are mentally bogged down by capitalism’s grip on it making them feel like they aren’t shit cause they can’t afford all that bullshit that ain’t gonna help them anyway so they just call themselves witches to get them 2 drops of serotonin and feel included but never really go anywhere beyond that cause capitalism strips the fucking joy and meaning out of everything. The only reason why this bothers me is cause I could be staying in my lane drinking my herbs and shit and chilling but then people either judge me for the effort I put into my practice’s aesthetics thinking I am shallow and buying into this or they think I am being reckless and dangerous believing in something not real by practicing a craft that tbh has a lot of dangerous aspects to it so it’s not rated E for everyone. Like you can fit it to what you want it to be since it’s your journey but it’s always been a bit edgy in some ways and it’s annoying when you get people judging you now for your lifestyle or they wonder why you are so invested cause they don’t get it.

Anyway that was a rant but you asked for it lol.

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

Get some more weed

Thanks for the asks lol. Kept the last one short haha but it’s true I have been trying to manifest for a while after my quarantine rations went out. Here are the autumnal asks if anyone else wants to ask or reblog them!

#capitalism

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butterflyinthewell · 5 years ago

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Disabled abusers

Yes, I’m going there, because it’s what my dad does. He has advanced Parkinson’s and is not independent anymore.

This post is not attacking all disabled people who are dependent on caregivers. This is not attacking disabled people with memory, mental or mobility issues who have no choice but to need caregivers to survive.

It’s a very specific group where the disabled person is an abuser and the abused person is their caregiver. This is based on stuff my dad does, knowingly and intentionally, to suck the life out of me and by proxy my mom. We can’t afford outside help and insurance won’t cover out of home care either, so we are trapped.

My dad doesn’t have dementia. He has a lot of mobility issues, but is capable of doing some things himself without help.

And here is the stuff he does:

Waiting until me or mom are trying to accomplish a task and asking for something that is complex and time consuming— like needing to go to the bathroom or wanting us to put in a dvd. This can include knowingly interrupting complicated tasks like cooking, counting money, balancing a checkbook, trying to deal with a massively important phone call or right before we go out the door for appointments, church, etc..

Doing the above, and moving to get up if we don’t respond that very second. He’s a fall risk when he’s getting up and knows this, so he forces us to run over and stabilize him.

Doing the above, but giving deliberately unclear instructions so it takes even longer and leads to everybody pissed off at everybody else.

Doing the above several times in a row when me or mom are trying to watch something on tv, trying to accomplish a personal task or read something, and this is after we have asked him to please give us a break for awhile.

When my mom was in the hospital having her gallbladder taken out(she’s fine now), I was trying to run the house and do a lot of things I didn’t know how to do and had to learn on the fly. Dad made no effort to instruct me or help me, he just demanded, demanded, demanded attention nonstop. When I melted down (I’m autistic), he yelled at me for not sitting with him and basically said how dare I make him feel bad.

We will get all the things we know he needs all set up for him, walk away and as soon as he sees us get engrossed in something he asks for something that’s not his usual, like he wants his slipper socks when the weather is hot, or he wants to see the first 10 dvds in his movie cupboard so he can decide which to watch, or he will knock his drink over and make a huge mess.

Being reckless and careless, which leads to items being damaged or broken, and getting all upset at me or mom when we get upset that we lost something we use. (Could be a lamp gets broken by a fall, or papers with phone numbers and addresses gets Gatorade spilled on it, or a drawer gets knocked off its track and broken; basically the items damaged are never his own and not being able to use them makes life harder for mom and me.)

Getting up in the middle of the night (huge fall risk) which forces me or mom (usually mom) to stay up with him. He’s usually stoned up on massive amounts of sleep meds and still he wakes up. He ignores requests to please go lay in bed so everybody else can sleep. My mom is very sleep deprived. I think she finally took my advice and just goes to bed; if dad wants to knowingly put himself at risk of a fall then it’s not her fault if he falls.

Putting on an “I’m so helpless” act whenever he knows he pissed me or mom off with all of the above. Especially when we’re out in public (on those rare occasions) so we can’t show any frustration or tiredness without us, the caregivers, looking like terrible people. (Yes, it is clearly an act, not a fluctuation in ability. His fluctuation of ability leads to a different pattern of legit needs than when he’s acting.)

Using his dependence on me and mom as a way to keep us from having any real freedom to just go have a girls day out at a movie or something, so outings are super rare. He will say things that make my mom feel super guilty for wanting to go out or whatever. I don’t go out much, except to choir stuff, so I just go “okay bye” and head out if I have a ride to the event, but my mom falls into the guilt real easy and tends to just stay home with him.

If me or mom try to set up anything to allow him to do something more independently, he will find a way to mess it up so bad that we have to go back to doing it for him. For example, we arranged his meds in cups in ways that are clearly labeled and separate so he can’t possibly mistake one pill for another. He stuck a bunch of pills into one cup and said it’s too hard without even trying the new way. So we have to dole out certain meds to him to make sure he takes them correctly. (This is not confusion on his part, it’s deliberate.)

He won’t use the desk bell we put out in his reach to get our attention and will instead shout. His voice is not strong, so he may shout two or three times before me or mom hear his voice and go see what’s going on. He will then accost us with claims that he was yelling for ages and ages and how dare we ignore him. (Gaslighting basically.)

Telling me I shouldn’t run my air conditioner or fan when it’s hot “so I can hear him if he needs me” when the desk bell is guaranteed to get my attention. I told him I’m not going to swelter in my room on the chance he might need me and to use the bell.

The house looks like a dump most of the time because dad’s legit needs on top of his manufactured controlling ones take up so much time in the day that mom and me are just too tired to tackle it. And then dad will invite one of his friends over with short notice, so mom and me scramble to vacuum and dust so there’s at least an illusion of clean. This has forced us to cancel plans last minute before.

And the most insidious part of it all is knowing my dad has so many legit needs means me and my mom both feel like terrible, neglectful people when we’re tired or frustrated with his unnecessary demands.

It would be a totally different picture if dad wasn’t aware of how he was acting, but he totally is aware, is totally in control of his behavior and he totally doesn’t care how stressed out everyone else is. His needs take all precedence and everybody else is just window dressing.

I was raised to never behave the way my dad is behaving, and now he makes me feel like the bad guy when I display anger and frustration. I feel like my childhood was a gaslight. My dad always punished me for doing things he turned around and did himself, and I feel like this situation he has me trapped in is his worst way of doing it yet.

I am in professional counseling because the anger issues I have are getting ugly and out of control. I’m stuck in a state of burnout. I am no longer able to muster compassion towards my dad, but I still feel it very strongly for any other person in a difficult or painful situation. But if I look at my dad, I’m just numb.

There needs to be awareness of disabled abusers who knowingly use their needs to trap and demean caregivers. It happens. There are icky people in every community and enabling or covering them up is extremely damaging.

In a world where we call for equality, we have to call out all abusers, even marginalized ones.

Abuse is never okay.

#disability #abusers #emotional abuse #emotional manipulation #long post #tw abuse #tw emotionsl abuse

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bre-meister · 4 years ago

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I finished it

Welcome to the second and final part of my rant about Fate: the Winx Saga. After this you will see no more of this bullshit here on my blog. As before, if you wish to stay for the rant under the cut, feel free. Or don’t. I probably wouldn’t tbh

Where to start

It’s so hard to comprehend the passage of time in this show

Sometimes characters will say “It’s been weeks...” and I just don’t see the character or plot development reflecting the passage of time. It does not add up

Stella all of a sudden being friends with the girls and everyone being completely cool??? NO! WHERE WAS THAT DEVELOPMENT!?

Stella’s mom is a bitch who could go die in a ditch

I would also like to say that I was kinda right about the whole Rickie situation

The adults in this series are A L L shady as hell. I do not blame Bloom for not trusting them because I sure as hell wouldn’t even without Beatrix playing her little mind games

Legit why would they think the students would trust them when all they do is gaslight them and keep secrets and then pretend like that’s not what they’re doing?

There is just too much going on with Rosalind to even begin to address that

So are witches a legit thing now? But still no Cloud tower

the witches are just straight, legit 100% bad... why?

Just why?

At least the dragon flame is a thing

I saw someone mention the lack of the casual use of magic and i have to agree. In the Original they used magic all the time to complete menial tasks

Netflix is out here trying to tell me that in a “more realistic” Winx universe people wouldn’t use magic to carry their luggage? Take a good pic? Get ready for a party????

Dane went 0-100 with absolutely no development

And Riven went 100-10 with about the same development

The writing is just so inconsistent

I will say they did get me to cry a bit on that Musa, her mom, and Sam almost dying story line

Also why were there so few burned ones at the end for Bloom to fight? They really set it up like there was just so many ... so where’d they go?

The fight scene… we gotta talk about the transformation

It was not a real transformation and i kinda wish they’d just left it alone completely

Not a fan of the wings made of fire - they looked cool at first when she was originally “making” them but after? It looked more like her powers were just going crazy behind her

This is kind of a personal thing but i would have petted just solid wings with some old fashioned glitter like they’ve always been

And her clothes didn’t change? It’s not a transformation if the outfits don’t change!

Everyone hating on Aisha for snitching was not cool

Bro, i get Bloom wanted answers but Aisha was right, she could have waited 24 hours and let Fera explain and do all that together I don’t think singling her out for doing what (at least i assume but ya never know) a lot of people would have done

Calling her a teachers pet for that wasn’t cool

There was just so much racism in they way her character was handled

period

Homophobia was rampant with Riven and Dane

Not Terra’s dad forgetting about his daughter when the burned ones attacked

Also, Musa said Terra was a great operator but SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING SHE JUST HELD HIS HAND and maybe applied pressure??

Inconsistent as hell

The montage of Bloom with her parents was kinda nice but again, when the hell did all of those girls become friends? I didn’t happen on screen I’ll tell you that

When Bloom said she was born in 2004 it legit took me back a sec

I was born in 2002 no way those girls and guys are younger than me

Sometimes (especially with Stella and Terra) I would forget they were supposed to be 16

This made it really awkward that I was reminded that they are in fact 16 and then they would talk about sex

a lot

and then of course when Musa and Sam almost legit HAD sex on screen

I get it, there are some 16 year olds who do it but at the same time it makes me feel weird

I didn’t like it

They legit could have made them 20 in the show. This was supposed to be a grittier adaptation I promise no one would have cared technically its Alfea COLLEGE anyway, it didn’t really matter

Wish we could have gotten some more specialist + fairy action but, guess not

Sometime I forgot this show was supposed to be “Winx Club” and those were the times i found myself actually enjoying it a bit?It really didn’t need to be attached to the Winx name at all

Also still never said WINX one time in the show!

They keep saying that mind fairies are super powerful and all but it still doesn’t feel like Musa did that much

or even Tera for that matter and the show took extra time to emphasize that she was really good during that training day

I unintentionally split my viewing in half (first three then last three) and it just emphasized how bad the pacing wasIt kinda seems like the first three episodes drag while the last three are so jam packed some things just felt so rushed

Scenes were not given the time to have the emotional impact they should have been

I also feel like Stella should have had a scene at the end confronting her mom about running away? Just me?

Along those lines it just seems like so many things were dumped in your lap and left to sit there right at the end

Almost nothing was tied up

Sky’s dad being alive?

I know he wasn’t the best father in the cartoon but he wasn’t this bad

Same goes for all the parents (especially Queen Luna)And i guess Radius just doesn’t exist as well

Also if this whole thing takes place in Solaria - the realm with, what 3 suns? - WHY WAS THERE SO MUCH RAIN AND CLOUDS!?

I don’t think it ever rained on Solaria in the cartoon unless something was genuinely wrong

I just have so many feelings that cannot be explained in words so... here you go

#fate: the winx saga #this show was stupid #I just can't anymore

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sparklyandchic · 5 years ago

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🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today.

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND.

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward!

#happyandchic #happy and chic

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noctanotherone · 4 years ago

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So... about Maxyartwork

So...Just wanna apologize ahead of time about how long this is going to be.... but... made a comment to Maxyartwork’s post the other day...about how wrong it is for them to villainize tracing because people have disabilities and health issues that prevent them from doing art normally....

And because I said they were having a bitch fit aka a temper tantrum...they decided to twist what I said, claim I called them a bitch, then proceeded to delete all evidence of what I said and keep theirs up, then block me...

So...I'm going to post up here and pretty much summarized what I said cause a. my memory is shit and I cant remember word for word, and b. some people will go wtf and wanna look it up. Take it as you will, but read before judging... Plus after this, I’ll probably wind up blocking them as well cause All I wanted to do was let them know that hey, maybe stop and think about how this is all helpful to people, maybe bring up some more facts, and say my last peace and leave them alone, (course this is the internet, I should know better by now that that never happens...) But I’m doing that now...

FYI...there is going to be a lot of sarcastic tones in here, sorry if you miss them...

But anyways....

As I briefly mentioned above, I called out Maxyartwork for yelling at people for tracing their artwork... even though the tracings were recolored different...in essence, it was a fanart of a fanart (cause Maxyartwork took someone else’s idea, and someone else's character and redrew it... Pot meet Kettle.)

And when I got a little heated cause of what they said... cause I’m mentally disabled and grew up around those who were mentally and physically disabled, and explained how tracing actually helped not just me but others and how it made them happy to actually be able to draw, and all the good tracing can do, and how it does train your hand to draw better, specially when its not used to doing any drawing or you have to relearn how to draw from scratch cause of an injury... hell, I even told them how tracing helped me as a kid and that I no longer need it now...I then essentially told them they shouldn’t be having a bitch fit over it. (that or they did have one...don't remember which atm...)

They Then proceed to get offended (as mentioned above, they accused me of calling them a bitch) and try to emotionally/verbally manipulate and gaslight me and others.

All because they were so self centered into thinking that tracing does not equal hard work..and that it actually equals *gasp* theft because its so ‘easy’ to do!

And I corrected them and told them, no. Tracing is not theft. It is not illegal, there is no law stating it is, people can trace all they want. Then proceeded to tell them that if I wanted to, I could take every art they posted online, trace it, recolor it, and post it, and that there was nothing they could do about it...cause a. as I said before, not against the law, and b. its the fucking internet... if you don't want it stolen or copied don't post it online.

And of course I'm not gonna do that anyways cause I have muscle issues in my hands, where they cramp up really bad, and I have to stop for hours before continuing again.. I’m already having issues just finishing the artworks I already started!

And then I told them what they should really do is focus on the actual issue, Actual Art theft, where people take others artwork and sell it online....instead of something so small and harmless that it takes away from the actual issue by making such a big deal out of it....

Also I love how they tried to say doing references is okay but tracing is not....like...you legit took someone else's idea, (drawing on eye liner with a blade) redrew it with a copyrighted character from marvel (now owned by Disney of all people)....and then get mad and yell at people for tracing it, claiming they are stealing their art....their. art.

Those in glass houses should not throw stones....

Specially since... Disney has sued people for less....I actually knew a family who had another family member paint Disney princesses in their daughters room and because they posted it on the net...they got sued by Disney and were ordered to paint over it...it was a really pretty room too...(course this was over 10 years ago and Disney has gotten more lax on that)

So yeah...

Also... speaking of Disney...here’s a random thought...How else do you think animators drew their animations before digital??? They traced shit...all the time...multiple times...then traced it to cel’s....seriously...

TRACING WAS A HARD WORKING RESPECTED JOB!!!

Also...if you presketch your digital art...you’re essentially tracing your art...

And again, sorry for bringing up this drama, I normally avoid posting anything drama on my page cause omfg I do not wanna deal with drama....

But this hit me the wrong way, cause I'm sorry, if someone did a fanart of my art, I’d be ecstatic, i would encourage them, tell them to keep at it, get better, and then maybe one day, come up with their own version/style like I did.

#Maxyartwork #Tracing #Tracing does not equal theft #Tracing was a job #Disney #Marvel #Selling others art against their permission is the real theft #BitchFit

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0the-duchess0 · 5 years ago

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Let’s take a ProStep back

So ProJared, after months of silence, finally posted a video with his side of the story, and boy, what a video it was.

For those interested, here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBywRBbDUjA

Now, before I get any further into this post: Before this all happened, I was vaguely aware of ProJared as a YouTuber. I mostly knew him from PBG’s videos. I never subscribed to the guy before, and if I’ve even watched a video, I never paid full attention to them until after the accusations. True, my initial reaction was disgust just like all of us. But now that we know more to the story, I’d just like to take a step back, and just analyze it all. Take a deep breath... And here we go.

ProStep 1: Heidi told us on Twitter that Jared had blocked her. He did so while posting a vague statement on Twitter about their marriage that told us very little other than that their marriage didn’t go well anymore, and they were trying to sort things out. Moreover: That Projared had cheated on her with fellow D&D and YouTube identity Holly Conrad. After that, the internet exploded with comments and reactions. Not just the public, but YouTube friends alike. Most people immediately took sides. Most people took this in combination with the other allegations against Jared, which I’ll talk about in a minute. Why did Jared block Heidi? We have no idea. Jared doesn’t mention this part in his fresh YT video. And that’s the problem. There’s a lot we don’t know regarding their relationship. He does state that he wanted to divorce Heidi for quite a while now, and that she refused. Again, we don’t know if that had anything to do with the poly-period, of if it was actually Heidi or Jared who filed for divorce, since neither of them gave us substantiated and/or confirmed proof about anything regarding their relationship, or the people involved in the dispute (Holly/Ross). Why? Well, it’s their relationship and actually a private matter. As Jared states in the video, it’s actually none of our buisness, as much as we’d like to because, let’s face it, no matter who does it, cheating is fundamentally wrong. The thing is, in a relationship between two people things can happen from both sides and when you break up, there can be something said for both sides. It’s sad to see them break up, or see all the online harm it has caused. For now, I’d say we best let it figure out themselves, and let them move on. Speaking about...

ProStep 2: ProJared was overrun with grooming accusations. The Internet exploded. What outraged some even more, was the allegations made against ProJared about harrassing minors and whatnot online. While I’m not a fan of online sexual behaviour in general, I’m not one to kinkshame others where there is consent on both sides, so whatever floats their boat I guess. But that was just the question in the claim made against Jared. Now, if you have watched the video, you’ve seen that Jared has presented some proof on his behalf against these claims. I have clicked on all the links in the receit document Jared put in his video discription, and they all work. Jared seems to have a pretty solid story, though I do have certain doubts still about his private Tumblr chat with Chai (like, how was he able to get the chat if his Tumblr was hacked?). Like he himself said, pictures are easy to photoshop. But you can’t photoshop legit articles. A big support to ProJared’s evidence is the “I am disabled” Article from Chai. It was just an hour before the first comments started popping up claiming ProJared was being Albeist for using this article. This is not the case. Albeist means you discriminate people for their disablity, or make fun of them. All ProJared did, was take literal lines for the article, and present them as facts and timestamps for his story. nothing more, nothing less. If it had been an article about Chai studying abroad and not having access to the internet during that time, Jared would have done the exact same thing. He can’t help the article’s main issue. What Chai and Charlie also did, was backpaddling and contradicting themselves. They have both altered lines from their accusations, something done by many before them when facts get pointed out. I do give everyone credit, however, in feeling misguided by their role model. Jared is an influencer and he knows this. He also knows the dangers of the internet, and that gathering people for nudes is a strange hobby, to use a soft term. I’m actually surprised this hasn’t caused far more damage than it did. For all we know, there could have unknowingly been a minor involved because, just as Jared states, everyone can lie about their age, and the internet makes way for a lot of anonymous activity. That said, if it would ever get pointed out that there was a true minor involved, Jared would hang anyway. Personally, I’m disgusted with the idea of asking for nudes from followers online when you’re a public figure and know what influence you hold, so that’s a nope point for Jared in my book. Sorry.

Please please please PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU DO ONLINE PEOPLE!!!!! I can’t stress this enough. Even in a time where social media is at large and people want to be part of the mainstream streamers, there are still dangers you must not take lightly. Always think before you act. That goes for Chai, Charlie, ProJared, Holly, Heidi and all of you!

I personally do see some karma in not only Chai and Charlie, but also Heidi and even ProJared himself linking all of this to their support base (KoFi, social media channels, etc.). Sadly, that’s just how the world works nowadays...

ProStep 3: Jared’s video Once again, I was taken by all sorts of emotion when I watched this video. By now, I have gone through most of his YouTube channel, read all about the statements that were made from all sides, and kept up with all the social media accounts both he and Heidi had. Hell, I even subscribed to Heidi on Instagram. Jared’s video took me by surprise from its publication (so late) to its title (Oh really, have we been lied to?) to its content. Jared seems to have a genuine hard time, but seems to be level-headed about it. He has contacted lawyers and all sorts of professionals before giving his explanation, and I think that’s a very wise move on his part. He went all out to gether as much evidence as possible to prove himself innocent, and seems to have a genuine deduction along with it. Do I think he’s guilty? Depends. Like I said, my morals don’t hold up with the way he used his online presence to ask nudes, but with mutual consent, what is there to legally say against it? Also, some gaps leave for interpetation. For now, it looks like the allegations of Charlie and Chai can be thrown into the bin, until new “evidence” shows up. I’m curious to see how other parties in this matter will react. Who knows, I’ll make another post about it, or change my mind again.

In the meantime: yes, we’ve all been lied to. ProJared has lied, Heidi has lied, Charlie and Chai have lied... But moreover, we have lied to ourselves about YouTubers, or even more broadly about influences, being some sort of untouchable deity, a role-model without any flaws. And just like AtelierHeidi, CommanderHolly, GameGrumps, ProJared and all of those involved, I hope we can learn from this and built something better out of the rubble.

That’s why I give this ProStep a ted-talk-rant out of ten!

Thanks for reading.

@jaredhollyheiditruth

...

Oh, and one more thing:

Sexual assault, gaslighting, bullying and manipulation are all serious matters. Don’t feel ashamed to reach out if this happens to you or someone you know. Keep this in mind.

#projared #heidi #holly #youtube #social media #tl;dr be wise and don't take sides #gamegrumps #pbg #peanutbuttergamer #disability #assault #lies lying lies

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yaizl · 5 years ago

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(EDITED)

i dont know if this was ever known on tumblr, but--

i had a friend on here and discord whos name was jamie

we were like. legit really good fuckin friends

i mean seriously, he was one of my best friends on there, and i was so happy to have known him

(vent below cut)

but then he got banned from my friends private server im in while i was away from discord for a week, which was back in march or something

i questioned what had happened and apparently he was just being an overall brat, having saying shit like they were belittling him or treating him like shit

but in reality, they were actually trying to make him feel as welcome as they possibly could, and it showed!!

though, i didnt think much of it because i didnt experience what happened when it did happen

so after a while i messaged him and i got in his private server

after about a month, i had gotten a boyfriend (weve known eachother irl sense 2017 and were still friends to this day) and i asked him if he wanted to join jamies server

he said yes, considering how he wanted to make new friends

so he joined the server and we all had a gay ol time

a month goes by and its now may, and my boyfriend and i go through some.... difficulties. though, i wasnt aware of anything bad happening.

he added me to a group that had him, jamie, and jamies s.o.

i didnt know what was happening, so i asked what the group chat was, and jamie replied with... something i forgot what he said ghjfhjfg--

my boyfriend was typing for a few minutes before i was met with this wall of a message.

it was a breakup message.

and i, and the actions i made in the relationship, were the reason he typed it.

i had guilt tripped, gaslighted, and just overall made him feel bad when it came to the relationship for almost the whole time it lasted.

now, although i did pity myself a little when i read it, i came to accept that what i did was wrong and i needed to change, and replied saying i accepted his decision to break up, along with somewhat defending some stuff i did as it was, in fact, unintentional.

now, he didnt reply to me when i typed back, but when we talked this over a few months later, he said he was glad i accepted his decision and thought it would be the end of it when i said it.

but, jamie and his s.o. were in the group chat as well, and they didnt like my reply. they really didnt like it.

they started to shit talk me, telling me i needed to grow up, telling me i was only making excuses in my defense claims, all that. basically they were saying that i was bullshitting even know i accepted my boyfriends decision.

eventually i just asked if we could end the conversation as arguing wouldnt resolve the fact i fucked up. it was already drilled in my head and i didnt need to go on and on just arguing with someone with no end like a little kid.

this dude deadass says “you know what? fine. fine.” and kicks me out of the group, and removes me from any server he was in.

i havent talked to him in months.

my ex, who, as i stated, is still a good friend of mine, consulted me about a month ago that jamie went fucking bonkers.

jamie made a new server, and my friend didnt want to join, so jamie threw a fucking bitchfit and kicked him out of any server jamie was in. i mean, really? youre gonna get pissed at a friend because they dont wanna join your rp server? bitch?????

now, i didnt exactly see what happened sense my friend didnt send any screenshots and only explained a little of the basics, but still.

now, wth the story over, you wanna know something funny? something to tickle your funny bone? a real knee-slapper?

i’m still fucked up over what happened.

i sometimes really miss jamie.

i sometimes want to be friends with him again.

i know hes like. really bad. and immature. and considering how he hasnt messaged any of the people he fucked over with an apology, i can tell he hasnt decided to grow up yet.

he told me to grow up despite the fact he acted like a toddler himself.

he told me what i was doing wrong without telling me how to fix it.

but i fucking miss him.

i want him back.

edit: just to clarify, the reason of why jamie and his s/o were in the group chat, rather than letting my ex and i get the breakup over with on our own, is because my ex thought i would hurt myself over the breakup.

i told him that even know i got extremely emotional, i would never, ever hurt myself over a breakup, especially sense we were still going to be friends afterwards.

in fact, jamie would have increased the chances of me hurting myself (if i were that kind of person), with how he talked down to me in a very vulgar fashion even though i was okay with my ex making that decision.

i hate him for that.

i miss him, but i loathe him too.

#len squeaks #len cries #vent #fhdgjhf im just...... really fucked up rn #cause i saw his s/os blog on my friends blog #his s/o is like. just as bad as he is #at least from what i remember #but #hhhhhhhh

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