#i left out details because i just tired of writing and didn't think anyone was gonna want to read a novel about this shitshow

[mrabubu]

Leo just came back from his "trip" across the universe, all beaten up and tired, only to find out that Splinter already passed away.

But, honestly, this comic spoke to me a little more personally. I'm going to leave some of my thoughts under the cut.

Uh, I guess trigger warning on mentions of death? And some personal experience.

So, I basically went through the same as Leo, and less than a year ago found out that my father passed away. My situation is more complicated, but I still know the feelings your going through in this situation, when the realization strikes you, when you feel grief, regret, when you blame yourself for not being with your parent, when you're denied from being able to say goodbye and have to live with this feeling. And, in my case, I even blamed my father at some point.

I won't go into much details, just will say that I haven't been in touch with my father in years. He wasn't a bad person, he wasn't a drunk, he never did anything bad to anyone, he was... Complicated. And this all lead to one episode after which he stopped communicating with me.

In short, his pride was more important to him than me (at least, this is how it felt), he wanted to teach me a lesson. And years after, after he probably realized the mistake he made, he wasn't able to make himself to finally talk to me again because it was too late.

And I was... Angry? Hurt? Because I felt like I was left to deal with my mother and other things alone. I felt like I didn't matter to him, despite the good moments. I still live with these feelings and thoughts of guilt, and will live with them till the end of my life, knowing he passed away with no one around him.

I'm not angry at him, I mean, it's pointless? It won't change anything. Time's already lost. I only feel this grief over us both not being able to make the first move and try to fix everything between us.

Despite how things turned out I still remember those good episodes with him when I was a kid, when he would come from work late and despite my mother's complaining, we would spend at least an hour together watching a TV in my room.

Why am I writing all this? Not sure, maybe to leave a little message about not loosing the moment? Because human life is short, and you have only one chance.

You don't have Mystic Mikey to send you back in time and fix everything.

And I just think about how Rise makes me relate to a character more and more...

[cardo-de-comer]

soo helloo and i think it's time for me to explain the deal with my characters and this whole "you're not supposed to be here" thing. EDIT: just fixed some stuff. thank you folks for your support, i really appreciate you all <3

i made these characters way back in june and by today they have a lot of lore around them in my head. i even have a dream to make a game with them but it's just a dream for now so i'm gonna try to explain the main things about this story. Obviously this is a long post, although I tried to keep this stuff short. and excuse me for my writing and any mistakes, I don't usually write this much text.

It starts with the world. Alternate 15th century, humanity is almost gone and what's left of it shares quite a big city with demons and angels. However, demons and angels are usually being treated like servants - eventually one gets tired of it all, so everyone knows an uprising is just around the corner. Let's just ignore that for now.

The City has a catch of it's own - it's alive. The walls have eyes and ears and the City knows every resident by heart and soul, both figuratively and literally. Usually City acts through the King, it chooses protectors for itself, ones who have strong minds to comprehend it - they will be called the royal knights, each of them have a company of a /more wiser than the rest of them/ demon and angel to help with their tasks. Only the King and ten royal knights know that the City is alive and very talkative but they don't understand fully what it's trying to tell them. Most of them choose to ignore the voices in their head because hey, that's what you do usually in this situation, otherwise they drive you nuts.

City is also extremely emotional and appearance depends on its condition. Usually it's a sunny day out and the city looks welcoming, but you don't want to be there when the City is scared: it might eat you alive by accident. Now that the environment is aside, time for the main three characters.

Imri is a young lad who will soon be a royal knight. He actually wanted to be a painter when he grows up but well, you cannot disobey the king's orders. Quite emotionless and a man of a few words, he tries to stay on a neutral ground between good and bad - a perfect candidate for manipulation to all three sides, demons, angels and the City.

look at him

Royal knights get to know their angel and demon companions at least a week before they get knighted to avoid any misunderstandings. Imri doesn't mind his friends at all, although one of them caused quite a fuss.

Angel /they name themselves Lyra/ is an overly positive, naive and blindly kind entity. A bit childish and very fond of justice, they try to act as a voice of conscience, not understanding that sometimes this can make everything even worse than it was. There is a feeling that they're trickier than it seems but you can never quite tell.

the latin text all over them is just a part of their design

The demon though... That's not even a demon, that's the Devil himself. Yes, everyone knows who this is, everyone avoids him and he's not supposed to be here at all. Despite being THE Devil, he didn't try to do anything horrific yet and, when he's not joking around, he tries to be the voice of reason, the voice that no one listens to. He seems to know a lot more about this whole world than anyone else but he talks about it only when he wants to.

no one likes him at all, expect maybe Imri who just tolerates his presence like he always does

That's the main three. There is a few secondary characters, Imri's father being one of them.

sir Jastrab /or just Dell/ is one of the royal knights, he's a bit naive, loyal, and a soul so kind that his demon hung himself. Oh well. He lost one hand in what he calls "a work accident" which is partly true but he never goes into details.

He never wanted for his son to be a part of the knights because he knows by experience that it's not an easy job and not every father wants for their child to go insane from the voices in their head.

few people said that the angel accompanying him looks like d20 and so be it

The others are Sun and Moon - local deities, despite being on the sky every day and night, usually they don't really care about what's going on down below. You can still talk to them but don't expect much action. Regardless of all this, they are still loved by almost all living things. They can rarely meet each other but humans always depict them together no matter what. Although maybe humans are right...

creators of the Stars - some part of a human soul that i can't talk about :)

Angels and demons come in all forms and sizes but those are the main population - lesser demons resemble the Devil in some ways and lesser angels look like clovers. Rivals usually but when the revolution happens, they learn to tolerate and work with each other. Humanity doesn't really have a chance.

they hate everyone equally And there is another being, that Imri meets a few times through the story - it's Death. Death is just having fun in this end of the world and there is a lot of work to be done.

this is an old and rough design so maybe it'll change The whole story begins at that day when Imri is supposed to be knighted. Everything seemed fine until Imri gets to hear the City for the first time and realizes that he hears and sees a lot more than everyone else. Completely overwhelmed he blacks out - even the toughest of minds often can't take it - and wakes up later only to find out that the King got killed somehow, angels and demons saw this as the starting point for a revolution and the City starts to panic.

Now Imri, guided by his companions and the voice of scared City that's crumbling and slowly drives him insane, shall travel to the center of it to find out what really happened, getting through demons and angels who are busy destroying the rest of humanity. Fun.

There is a lot more to this whole thing but I cannot tell the entire plot because spoilers, in case if i actually will make something out of this story. Think of it as a game lore. I'm not sure about making sth yet because i operate only on hopes and dreams and i barely have any strength lately but who knows... But now you have at least some context! And yeah, thank you if you actually read all of this, you're a hero.

Now i need to get back to drawing. Thank you all for your support. <3

[gotham-daydreams]

How would it have gone differently if Reader didn't try to be an "overachiever" and instead just stayed quiet and didn't interact with anyone besides Alfred until they left? Their room they left being mostly blank, with only the music journals? Giving up on trying to get their attention.

I think what's so funny about this ask, to me, is that I already have a concept like this written down (along with 3 others since the current reader I'm writing for the "Not [ ]" series is one of them but with a few missing details), so this'll be fun!

I guess it generally goes how you'd expect? Which is different for the most part, but the reader's perspective on what's happening is also different.

Granted, I would like to point out that, at least for this particular concept and the idea I have for it of how this would go, does have more stuff going on pre-Batfam that do affect how they perceive what's happening, and that's what makes things interesting in my opinion. Because someone can be naturally shy or just overall more reserved either out of nature or because they feel a certain way, but still feel bad about being neglected and, despite their lack of effort, feel that pain just as much as someone who's tried. Which is valid! Besides, someone's definition of 'trying' can vary as well.

Everyone should have a chance to have a family, and form some kind of connection with people. Just because you aren't going above and beyond for one person, doesn't mean you're undeserving of certain things. Especially not a chance to have a family, or feel like you have one. That's what I think anyway.

Nevertheless, back to the reader!

From the original concept, I will be tweaking a few things to fit the ask, but the same general outcome remains! Though again, the reader's perspective on things is a tad different. But how about this- I'll show two versions of the reader.

One that's quiet and more reserved because they gave up much earlier, or just generally hopeless really early on because maybe they felt as if anything they'd do just wouldn't be enough, who'll be accurately named Quiet!Reader. With the other being more closely related to the concept I wrote for such an idea, that we'll refer to as Waiting!Reader.

Quiet!Reader would change up things quite a bit! I won't lie!

They might already have bad self-esteem that's quick to develop at the start of things, which is something to note as that doesn't get better with time. They grow more cold and distant from the family at a quicker pace both from personal and external reasons.

Put simply, they don't feel good enough, and even if they did- anything they could do to get the Batfam's attention would never be enough in their eyes. To which, they see very early on when they try to engage and do some things with the family, only to be turned down. What doesn't help is when Quiet!Reader sees Damian get adopted and almost immediately showered with love, (compared to them) and that really cements some ideas that were already developing in their head about the family.

When Damian comes into the picture, they feel replaced. Seeing him as someone to fill in the 'youngest Wayne' role instead of them, so that Bruce and the others actually have someone to acknowledge for such a title. Just someone else to further take away the little they had.

So, they further step out of the way, glaring at the Batfam with tired eyes before that eventually stops too. Envy clawing at their heart, hatred being sent through waves of pain all throughout their body. Hurt unmatched. Yet they still remain invisible. Quiet as ever. Unnoticed. Everything they ever felt dies down, and forms a cold numbness that they begin to associate with the family.

Maybe through that, they feel closer to the family in some twisted way. Now just as cold as them. Just as talkative, and just as engaging. Almost mirroring them, but they're honest about how they feel. Honest about what they think, and therefore better. At least when compared to the Batfam- and to them, even if it wasn't a high bar to reach anyway, at least it counts for something.

It was never Damian's fault, or really about Damian at all. It could've been anyone else and Quiet!Reader would've still reacted the same way, they know that. Though just seeing the Batfam show love and care to him and not them just makes them feel... worse.

Clearly they're capable of love, and can notice new additions to the family (to which they may have mostly believed that the Batfam's neglect was just something the family did for whatever reason, and thought that them being the youngest had something to do with it for a while) and that breaks the reader. It doesn't hurt, not as much as it would've, maybe, but whatever hurt is there dies down quickly as Quiet!Reader, well, quietly accepts their fate.

The Batfam clearly wants nothing to do with them, so why should they try to do all of these things for them? It's simple, they shouldn't. So they don't. Quiet!Reader gives up, and continues to live their life without them.

The Manor just becomes a place they sleep in, and nothing else. It isn't anything close to a home, and not even Alfred can help with that.

It's because of that little fact, however, that Quiet!Reader leaves much sooner than the reader in the "Not [ ]" series. Maybe once they get a friend they can trust, they essentially end up living with said friend, hence why their room remains so empty. The notebooks they even keep in the room they have in the Manor is from when they were way younger, instead of just being from a few months ago or so. We're talking years since Quiet!Reader has touched those things now.

Maybe they do 'officially' leave a month or so before they usually would as an overachiever in the "Not [ ]" series, having only bothered to return so often before because of Alfred. Though even then, they'd forget to return most nights- only being reminded to even try and go back once Alfred would personally call them, and ask them where they were.

However now, after a while of just the time between them basically living with their friend and sleeping at the manor, they stop returning altogether. Though this time around they instead personally go to Alfred to say they're goodbyes. Not explaining much, but just saying that while they might still try to come and visit him sometimes, they don't live in the Manor anymore. Alfred already knows this, and the embrace they share fully hammers in that fact.

Yet when Quiet!Reader turns away, and leaves the Manor for good- even through the front door at that. Alfred can't help but just... miss them already.

You see, while Quiet!Reader is indeed quieter and more reserved, especially towards the Batfam, with Alfred really being the only exception, they still made music.

Maybe they didn't have as many concerts or physical, grand, live performances compared to the reader in the "Not [ ]" series, they not only started earlier, but may have actually started out on a social platform such a youtube. They really started out small, but were able to find and start their passion much earlier!

Most of what they played was when they were in the Manor, but slowly they started to get involved with things music related outside of the Manor and in Gotham- and from there were able to build themselves up even more. Hell, I'd even say that Quiet!Reader is a little more well-known and popular than the reader in the "Not [ ]" series because of the amount of extra time they dedicated to their passion.

So basically, Alfred this time around has more recordings and such of Quiet!Reader actually doing something they love than with the one in the series. However! Funnily enough, they're gone for a shorter amount of time despite having left earlier than normal.

Alfred is just, extra fed up with this nonsense, and so pulls his tricks more early on, but also make them hit harder.

He doesn't clean Quiet!Reader's room to show how long they've been gone, adding onto the emptiness and almost abandoned feeling the room itself gives off because of how bare and empty it is. They're music haunts the halls, subtle, sure, but still noticeable- especially to those who are hyper aware all the time. Pictures of Quiet!Reader and Alfred begin to be hung up, and if he can manage- some with Quiet!Reader and their friends during important parts of their life.

No one is safe from the guilt and anguish Alfred seeks to cause to not only have the Batfam look for you, but most importantly, to finally notice you.

Let's just say, things work out a little too well.

---

As for Waiting!Reader? Oh man, I've been wanting to rant about them for a while!

Unlike the reader in the "Not [ ]" series and Quiet!Reader, Waiting!Reader had some semblance of a life before getting adopted into the Batfam. Though the idea and character themself isn't musically inclined/involved in music, or even all that interested in music for that matter- for the sake of this ask, lets say they are!

I won't dabble too much into the life Waiting!Reader had before the Batfam, as if I do end up writing them I'd also like to keep some details vague (for the sake of leaving it up to interpretation and everything), but just know that during the time they were still with their original family, they were essentially taught that they should 'wait their turn', and eventually their parents would spend time with them and care for them. Hence the little name I've given them.

So! When they get to the Manor and are officially adopted, only to be neglected and ignored during their first few attempts- because of their young age, they immediately think "oh! they're just like mom and dad!" So they 'wait' for 'their turn', believing that eventually, should they wait long enough, they'll be rewarded with bonding and such from the Batfam just as they were with their previous parents.

This mindset changes what they do as well, as Waiting!Reader even goes out of their way to not bother anyone, or "get in the way" of whatever they could be doing. Waiting!Reader treats the situation so much like their previous home life, that sometimes they might even forget that the Batfam are completely different people from their parents. The only real difference that they can think of is that they're not acknowledged at all and it seems like their 'turn' never comes. Though for a while that doesn't get them down. The Batfam is busy like they're parents were! Waiting!Reader is sure that when things die down then they'll have their time.

... Hopefully.

I can imagine that part of the reason why Waiting!Reader holds on to hope for so long is because, again, their own parents constantly reassured them that they would have their time eventually. That if they behaved, and stayed out of the way, then they would go somewhere fun with their parents and essentially be rewarded for their efforts. They were conditioned to wait, to be patient, and just comply until those around them decided to actually take care of them, and spend time with them.

Of course, as they grow up the reality of the situation does hit them eventually, but during that time they do try.

Waiting!Reader helps Alfred around the house, and so they mostly bond over doing chores, among other things. They are also more mindful, and try to keep the amount of noise they back down— so they actually don't play at the Manor all that often, and instead play literally anywhere else. If and when they do play outside, around the area of the Manor like in the gardens or something, they make sure no one is around before even thinking of playing.

Alfred does help them break a few of their habits that they got while living with their parents, but the one thing he can't seem to 'fix' is how absolutely quiet Waiting!Reader is when they walk around. Which, as on can imagine, doesn't exactly help in a situation where the whole family, except for the butler, is neglecting you.

The amount of times Waiting!Reader has caught Alfred off guard is more then you'd think for someone that works with the Dark Knight, and his various sidekicks and such, over the years. Which does say something, sure, but it's also funny!

Regardless, similar to Quiet!Reader, Waiting!Reader is able to start their musical career earlier than normal, and thuse becomes a little more popular than they would originally. However, they're more known for their live performances and giving back to the community. Seemingly just like Bruce as they attend charity event after charity event, and try to do good by the people.

Waiting!Reader also does genuinely try to become a vigilante as well, but they do so in a way where they only take care of the smaller/medium guys, and leave the bigger ones to the rest of the Batfam. This is because they want to remove possible distractions for their family, and while they would try to take on "bigger guys", they don't think they're skilled enough or experienced enough to even think about it. So they don't even try. (They also don't have the same theme as the Batfam- since they don't want to 'ruin' their reputation with what they're doing or something. Which does hell them further detach themself from the family later on.)

I'd say that with Waiting!Reader, the difference between them and the Batfam is more clear to them? Like, to them, the Batfam are just so good at what they do that they have no hope of reaching them. So instead of trying to reach for them, they just do their own thing and try to help in their own way.

Because Waiting!Reader takes care of smaller guys, they are kind of closer to Waiting!Reader as a vigilante.

The best way I can put it is that while the community trusts Batman and the members of the Batfam to save their city, they trust Waiting!Reader to save their homes.

So basically- Batfam is the bigger picture while Waiting!Reader focuses on the smaller picture.

Nevertheless! Also like Quiet!Reader, Waiting!Reader actually leaves earlier. Except when they leave, they leave.

Waiting!Reader straight up leaves Gotham City to attend the college that they want to go to, in an area that has more opportunity for them, that isn't close to where the Batfam lives or patrols.

So they not only leave earlier, but it also takes the Batfam longer to find them. Especially because Waiting!Reader does still do some things in Gotham, they just don't live there anymore.

I feel like out of all three readers, Waiting!Reader definitely feels like the kind of person that someone would assume is some kind of "Phantom of the Wayne Manor," y'know?

So Alfred definitely tries to make the Batfam feel bad like he does with Quiet!Reader. Except how anyone in the Batfam is reminded that Waiting!Reader even exists, and that they've been gone for a while now is through a letter that is accidentally sent to the Wayne Manor from one of Waiting!Reader's fans. From there, some research does start and the more the Batfam learns, the more they want to go and find the reader- you know the deal.

I hope this answered your question even if I really did ramble on this time- if you'd like me to clarify anything or go into more detail on a specific part, feel free to send in an ask!

[hischierswhore]

hiii, could you write some angst to fluff with nico?

like maybe they into a big argument, but end up resolving everything

thaankss🫶🏼

jealousy is a good thing

pairing: nico hischier x bff!reader

a/n: hi anon! i kind of steered away from the whole 'argument' plotline but i think this turned out cute?? idk.

You were currently at some party with Nico and the rest of the team. You were talking to Luke when you excused yourself to go grab a water bottle, as you suddenly felt the urge to drink some water. On your way to the fridge, you saw the worst sight possible: Nico chatting away with Y/bff. This wasn't the first time you'd witnessed the two together. They looked comfortable in each others presence, which made you feel kind of weird for some reason.

As much as you loved Nico and he was one of the most adorable people on earth, it still bothered you seeing him hanging out with someone other than you.

You'd grown to have a massive crush on Nico, your best friend of 4 years. You'd become friends when he started playing with the Devils, and had slowly fallen in love with him ever since. The biggest issue was that you couldn't bring yourself to tell him how you felt because you didn't want to risk losing him.

So now here you were, watching Nico act all happy and close to Y/bff, thinking about what you should do. Tell him how you feel? Go talk to Y/bff? Confront both of them? All these thoughts flew through your head in seconds, causing your mind to run rampant.

You were lost in thought when a hand grabbed yours from behind. You turned around to see Nico smiling at you. He handed you a water bottle and you smiled back as you muttered a quiet "Thanks" before heading off towards Luke once again, leaving Nico standing next to the fridge confused.

He stared at you as you walked away, but his face soon returned to its normal expression as he continued to chat with Y/bff.

They pair continued chatting the night away and you just didn't want to be there anymore. Not knowing what to do, you headed home early to avoid being a third wheel. Once you arrived home, you got ready for bed and cried yourself to sleep at the thought of your love for Nico not being reciprocated.

You woke up in the middle of the night to someone rubbing your back. You slowly opened your eyes and realized it was Nico, who was gently rubbing your back in an attempt to wake you.

You sat up slightly and rubbed your eyes as you yawned, "What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, I just wanted to see if you're okay. You left the party and didn't tell anyone" He replied as he pulled away from your back. He noticed the faint tear marks on your face, even though the room was dark. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"Nothing really, I was just tired." You lied. It was true you weren't tired, you were crying yourself to sleep at the fact that you liked Nico more than he liked you. He was probably trying to comfort you by waking you up, not realizing that he was actually making you feel worse.

He nodded as he let out a small sigh. He sat down on the edge of your bed as he began to play with your hair, "Are you sure you're alright? You seem like you aren't yourself."

"I'm fine, Nico. Just go back to the party and talk to Y/bff again or something" You replied quietly as you tried to ignore the confusion in his voice. You knew Nico cared about you, but it was only a friendship. No matter how much you wanted it to be more, you knew it wouldn't happen.

There was a silence that filled the pitch black room, that is until Nico reached for the lamp on your bedside table and turned the dim lights on. You could finally see Nico's face, and he could see yours in much better detail.

"Y/bff? What are you talking about?" Nico asked as he looked into your eyes. Your cheeks were bright red and you were nervously avoiding eye contact.

"It doesn't matter. Just leave me alone" You snapped as you curled up into a ball and you felt the first fresh tear land on your cheek. You hated this part of being in love with someone; dealing with the rejection when they didn't return your feelings.

The tears started flowing once again as Nico brushed his hand up and down your back, attempting to soothe you. But he failed miserably, because instead of calming you down, it only caused you to cry even harder.

Nico felt his heart breaking into a million pieces as he watched you wither away in front of him.

"Y/n please talk to me. What's going on?" Nico pleaded as he lightly shook you. You slowly opened your eyes and glanced over at Nico, noticing the hurt look in his eyes.

"Just go back to the damn party and talk to Y/bff, since she's apparently caught your eye lately" You snapped before rolling over onto your stomach.

Nico was silent for a few moments as he stared at you, wanting to know why you said those words to him.

"You think I'm into Y/bff?" He asked with a sad tone. "Is that what this is about?"

The silence on your end spoke volumes. The way your body language changed gave it away, and it killed Nico to hear the truth spoken aloud.

Nico's heart dropped to the floor as you sobbed uncontrollably into your pillow. He hated that he was the reason behind your tears. Tears ran down your cheeks as you buried your face into the soft material. A lone tear rolled down his cheek and landed on your arm, causing you to stop sobbing and turn to look at him.

"I'm not into Y/bff, you know" He whispered.

You hesitated to answer him as you gazed at his face, desperately trying to figure out what to say.

"But you've both been super chatty lately and hanging out a lot more" You finally uttered.

"Well I didn't want to have to tell you but she's been giving me dating advice on this girl I like" Nico confessed.

"And the last thing I want is for the girl I’m after to think I'm going after her other best friend, especially considering me and this girl are best friends." Nico continued.

You froze, unable to speak. Your mind went completely blank as you listened to Nico explain what was going on. The last thing you expected was for Nico to actually reveal that he was into you. Was he serious? Had he always been into you? You felt faint as you thought about everything that just happened.

When you finally regained control of your senses, you quickly turned to face Nico. There was no mistaking the large smile plastered across his face. You blushed deeply as you attempted to fight back your emotions.

"What?" Nico asked with excitement.

"Do you mean it?" You squeaked.

Nico laughed as he nodded vigorously. "Of course I mean it!"

Your heart soared as you smiled brightly at Nico, reaching forward to hug him. He embraced you tightly as you continued to cry, this time tears of joy.

After another minute, you broke apart from each other. Nico looked at you with the goofiest face possible.

"Were you jealous, schatzi?" He teased.

You rolled your eyes, "Shut up."

He chuckled as he patted your shoulder, "It's okay to admit it, sometimes jealousy is a good thing."

taglist

@lovelynikol16

(if you'd like to be added to the taglist for any of the players i write for, please let me know!)

[vssail]

bf aventurine x reader

warnings: guns, very short

your bf aventurine teaches you how to use a gun

possible grammar mistakes, english is not my first language

“That’s right, keep your hands steady” he whispered in your ear, which caused a slight tremble from you and a quiet chuckle from him.

How on earth were you supposed to keep calm when he was right behind you, hugging you from behind holding your body to show you how you should stay while shooting.

“Someone’s getting nervous, huh?” he joked, moving his hands to cover yours holding the gun “Since this is your first shot, I’ll help you, okay?”

Now he seemed to be closer to you, worsening the anxiety you were feeling. You could feel all details of his body pressing against your back, even the little band on his chest. Because he wasn’t wearing his usual fancy shirts but a simple black t-shirt, you could feel the skin of his arms against your own. His chin resting on your shoulder and his cheek on yours made it easier for you to feel his breathing.

While your attention was purely on the man behind you, a sudden and loud sound made you jump in your place. During your reverie about his features against your own, he shot the gun. He let out a shameless laugh at your reaction, and returned to his previous position, hugging your waist.

“I hope you were attentive to the demonstration, because I want to see a good shot now”

You watched at him, trying to tell him with your eyes that you were not ready for that. But his only reaction was to hug you tighter.

“Don’t be scared, baby, I’m right here. I won’t let you fall if that’s your fear”

If only that was the only problem… of course you didn’t want to try and shoot with him so close to you, it was aggravating your nerves. But you didn’t want him to go away now, not when you were used to his warmth. With all the strength left on your body, you raised the gun and aimed at the target. You didn’t knew where you were aiming at, you were too far away of the target to see it. Aventurine noticed your doubts, and encouradged you to shoot without thinking. And you did just that.

“Well, we’ll have to work on your aim, but this was a great start. You almost hitted the target!”

“I don’t wanna hold this thing again” you interrupted his cheerful celebration with a tired tone, handing him the gun.

“Oh, don’t be like that, it wasn’t that bad, wasn’t it?”

“I just don’t like it. Anyway, I don’t plan on shooting anyone in my life”

“I get it, but I want you to be prepared for every situation possible before arriving in Penacony” he turned you around so you could see him in the eyes “I won’t be able to be with you all the time, and I don’t want to risk your safety”

You didn’t liked guns, blood and all that kind of things that were related to death, but maybe just this time you could do an exception, just to calm him down. He wasn’t entirely in agreement with you going to Penacony, but you insisted a lot, you really wanted to visit that dream planet with him. This would be just a small payment in exchange for the trip of your dreams with the man of your dreams.

2.1 mission destroyed me, so I decided to write something chill ab the bp icon. tysm for the support in my first post, I didn't think so many people would read it

[biisexualemma]

pining pt.2. peter parker

word count: 3.3k

warnings: explosion, some injury detail i think but not a lot or graphic at all, soft, fluff, sweet interactions

requested: yesyesyes

plot: you can't keep your crush on peter a secret any longer

a/n: sorry it took me, not even exaggerating, three years to write and publish this, that is truly so uncool of me and i deeply apologise to those of you who asked for this so long ago. anyway it's here and i am happy with it so i hope you like it!

part 1 / masterlist

"i bombed that exam," you huffed, your face screwing up in frustration as you walked side by side with m.j. down the school hallway. "did you see question sixteen? what was that about? i don't think we even studied that this semester?" you were annoyed with yourself, because you knew you hadn't studied as hard as you should have for that exam.

"yeah, i saw it, i just took the same exam," m.j. furrowed her brows at you but you were too in your own head to care about her sarcasm. being m.j.'s friend for so many years meant that you tended to tune out the sarcasm that was always dripping from her voice. "i wouldn't worry about it, you always do well, it's like your thing. being smart at everything."

you shook your head, you were convinced you messed up that paper.

ever since your late night netflix session with peter, you'd been even more in your head than usual. you hated being this distracted. it was only because you had to keep your feelings to yourself, you had never been very good at keeping secrets, and this was too big a secret to be keeping to yourself. it was driving you crazy that he didn't know.

 it was now monday, you hadn't seen peter since you fell asleep on him and he snuck back out your window. you had woken up the next day in an empty bed, with a text message from peter saying he had to run and that he'd see you in school.

you hadn't heard from him again, and you had yet to see him in school. you had to tell him. you had to tell him or you felt like you might combust. and you had finals to be worrying over, not a boy. if you got it off your chest, whether he felt the same or not, you knew you could at least focus better on your day to day. you were tired of avoiding him and pushing him away to keep a secret. he had to know.

-

you had colluded with michelle during gym and she, too, thought you coming clean to peter was a good idea. you were pretty sure she was just sick of talking to you and you not taking anything in that she was saying, which was happening more and more often, so you understood. 

only, you hadn't actually seen peter all day to speak to him.

you spotted a familiar mop of black hair across the hallway at the end of the day, jogging over to meet ned at his locker. if anyone would know of peter's whereabouts it was his righthand man.

"ned!" you touched his shoulder, approaching him from behind, startling him a little as he jumped away from your touch. "sorry--" you apologised quickly when he mumbled shit y/n under his breath. "i just wanted to know if you'd seen peter?"

his face contorted for a second before furrowing his brows. "uh, peter? he just left-- i think he said something about mr stark? i don't know," you could tell he was lying, ned was always covering for peter, but you didn't push him. you just nodded.

"right, well, if you see him, tell him i need to talk to him?" he nodded and you backed away from him to leave. "i'll see you tomorrow!" you called, whipping out your phone and dialling peter's number as you moved down the crowded hallway. 

it rang out, you let out an exasperated sigh. why was he all of sudden so hard to track down? you waited for the beep before leaving a message.

pete, call me back i need to talk to you-- can you meet me at delmar's? i'll be there at seven-- just call me

the one time you were actively seeking for him and he was nowhere to be found. you huffed, dragging yourself home to put some effort into studying before you'd meet up with peter later.

-

you tucked your hands in your pockets to conserve some of your warmth in the cold new york air, your feet speeding along the pavement as you took the short walk to delmar's. you had gotten a text from peter shortly after you left your voicemail saying he'd meet you there.

you were regretting not wearing more layers as you shivered, making your way down the street, delmar's was in sight, the light shining from inside guided you towards the shop. you had been craving a sandwich all day. and you thought, even if your conversation with peter went terribly, at least you'd still get a sandwich from delamar's out of it. it wouldn't be all bad.

there was no sign of peter, but you approached anyway, waiting outside in hopes he wouldn't make you wait in the cold much longer. you checked the time on your phone, it was a few minutes past seven. you were sure he'd be here soon.

you tucked your phone away in your pocket, lifting your eyes up, widening them when you saw a commotion in the bank across the street. your mouth hung open. you made out one of the figures to be spider-man, he was swinging around, fighting a group of-- of-- avengers? you squinted, watching the fight unfold with curiosity. you'd never seen the web-slinger in action before, you were intrigued. you couldn't wait 'till peter got here, he'd love this.

"hey-- mr delmar-- have you seen this--?" just as you called into the shop for the owner to come check this out, there was a loud shattering noise, causing you to jolt in shock. before you knew what was happening, half the shop was on fire, you thrown backwards into the wreckage.

peter watched the weapon fire, near splitting mr delmar's shop in two from across the street. his eyes widened in panic, abandoning his previous task and running over to his favourite sandwich shop that was now in flames. he remembered his plans to meet you here at seven-- he hoped you'd been late arriving.

you groaned, your head splitting, ears ringing and you could hardly make out what was happening with your vision distorted by a cloud of grey smoke. you spasmed into a cough fit as you breathed in the smoke surrounding you, instinctively you pulled at the sleeve of your jacket and covered your mouth in an attempt to keep your airways clear.

"mr delmar?" you tried to call out, your voice muffled behind the material covering it, pushing yourself up off the ground that was now covered in rubble.

"you alright, mr delmar?" peter checked in, his arm wrapped around the older yank as he guided him out of the wreckage with a level of care reserved for the owner of his favourite sandwich shop. he nodded, he hurled over trying to take deep breaths, his hands propped onto his knees. "was it just you in there?"

he shook his head. peter thought to you immediately before mr delmar even said anything. "y/n," he spluttered out, coughing up the smoke he'd inhaled. "a regular-- she was standing right there," he had pointed to where the door used to be but now in it's place was a gaping hole. peter was half listening to mr delmar who was now wailing about the state of his store, bystanders had started to crowd and sirens sounded in the distance. but this was all background noise to peter now.

you could just start to make out the floor beneath you as the smoke began to ease up a bit, you guided yourself to the commotion you could hear coming from just ahead of you. "mr delmar?" you tried calling again, hoping he wasn't caught under any of the rubble somewhere, hoping he was ok. "mr del-- ow!" you looked down at your feet where you had tripped when you heard something yelp back at you. the bodega cat, covered in soot and dirt. "hi, kitty," you cooed, leaning down and scooping him up in your arms as you continued to navigate your way forward. "have you seen mr delmar?" you spoke to the cat, who only meowed in response. "right."

"y/n?" you heard your name being called, your ears pricking up, the cat in your arms attention had been caught too. "y/n, are you in there?" you knew that voice.

"peter?!" you called back, coughing as you inhaled more of the smoke surrounding you. "pete?"

the cat cried again. a faucet shot open across the room, you let out a yelp at the noise as water began to blast everywhere. "where are you?" you called out again, losing your patience and your nerve a bit now.

"y/n?" the voice was suddenly right in front of you and then before you could react a body thudded into yours. you yelped again, the cat also startled, and stumbled backwards, feeling two hands grip your arms, keeping you in your place.

arms clothed in red and blue, your eyes trailed upwards, widening as they looked over at the superhero now standing in front of you also covered in soot and dirt. "spider-man?" 

there was a loud crack that came from above where you stood, your eyes trailing up to the ceiling where the plaster had started to crumble from the damage. peter pulled you towards him, forcing you to duck down and covering you with himself as part of the ceiling fell down and would have fallen on top of you. "c'mon, we need to move," he guided you out of the building, one arm wrapped round your shoulders, his free hand covering your head.

you took a deep breath as you finally exited the building, back into the cold new york air, clutching the cat in your arms still. your head was spinning, he shifted to stand in front of you, his hands placed on each of your shoulders. your eyes were wide, brows furrowed together, your breathing growing heavier as the superhero checked you over for injuries.

"how're you feelin'?" he asked, one hand gripping your chin as he guided your face to turn to one side and then the other. you stood with your mouth slightly open, breath fanning out in front of you in the cold air, you nodded slightly, kind of coherently. his eyes, or the eye shapes cut out from his mask, squinted at you. "y/n, i need you to use your words."

"yeah," you spoke softly. "i'm ok-- i think," you shuddered, the only thing keeping you warm was the cat you clung to your chest. maybe you were just confused when you thought you'd heard peter before. maybe you had hit your head, or the smoke made you a bit delirious, or maybe the ringing distorted your hearing. that must be it. 

"my cat!" mr delmar's voice pulled you out of your thoughts and spider-man's hands slipped away from you as mr delmar lifted up his cat up out of your arms. he wrapped a free arm around you, pulling you into a quick hug, giving your shoulder a squeeze. "thank you, i'm glad you're ok."

"yeah, you too, mr delmar," he gave your arm a rub, before releasing you. "sorry about your shop," you felt bad. you knew it was out of your control but you couldn't help but feel for the man who had served you sandwiches nearly every day for the past ten years and who now had to rebuild his livelihood.

"no one got hurt, you're ok, i'm ok, cat's ok. we're ok," you nodded, he was right. "thanks to this guy," he grabbed spider-man by the shoulder, giving him a squeeze just like he had done with you. "thank you, spider-man."

"of course," he patted mr delmar on the back, beginning to feel the eyes of the bystanders surrounding this situation and the sirens growing closer. "listen, i gotta' dash, people to save, muggers to stop, you know the drill."

mr delmar began ushering him away, insisting that he go back out and get back to work. you watched the man in the suit carefully, standing still as he back to back away from you both. he gave you a slight nod before shooting off into the skyline again.

- 

you were startled by a soft knock on your window, your head jolted towards the noise, spotting the familiar brown mop of hair crouched outside on the fire escape. you let him in, he climbed in clumsily with a sense of urgency. "hey, i've been calling you,"

"sorry," you mumbled, retreating to your bed where you had been ready to crash only minutes ago. 

"i saw... i saw the news," he ducked trying to get a good look at you but you were avoiding his stare. "something came up-- did you-- were you-- are you--"

"i'm fine," you nodded, pulling at the hem of your shirt, sitting yet again, uncomfortably, in front of your best friend in your pyjamas. "no one got hurt."

peter moved to sit next to you, eyes focused on your face and why you wouldn't look at him. "are you sure?" his eyebrows furrowed together, eyes travelling to where you had your hands resting on your lap, fingers fidgeting. he worried about you. "hey, talk to me."

"i'm sure," you nodded slightly, turning so you could meet his eyes and reassure him. your hands still fidgeting he noticed. you shot him a small smile. "pete, it's ok. i'm just tired, it's been a really long day."

he remembered you calling for him earlier, the strain in your voice, the panic he felt when he couldn't find you straight away. he remembered the way you looked at him, with big eyes, full of relief and a hint of confusion.

he nodded, releasing a deep breath. "i'm sorry i didn't show at delmar's-- something came up-- it was stupid and i'm sorry i wasn't-- that i couldn't--  and i should've just--"

"peter, i love you," you cut him short. you couldn't hold your breath around him any longer. life was too short for keeping secrets. "that's what i wanted to talk to you about at delmar's-- before... everything... and spiderman."

peter's mouth hung open, his eyes locked with yours. your eyes were soft and languid, his wide and stunned, there was no denying you were awake this time. "what?" he spoke barely above a whisper, unable to think of what else to say.

"i met spiderman," you clarified. "he reminded me of you in a weird way actually," you hummed, not breaking eye contact with peter who was sat closer to you than he remembered being when he first sat down. his palms grew sweaty, he rubbed them against his pants in an attempt to calm down. "which was weirdly comforting amidst the chaos."

"oh-- that's cool i guess," he spoke in a bit of a daze. he hadn't expected you to come right out and say any of this, his head was in a bit of a spin. he had been waiting to hear you say those words again since the other night, and now here you were saying them, to him, and he couldn't think of anything to say back. 

"you don't have to say it back, or feel it i guess-- i've had a lot of time to think about this and this is the first you're hearing of it because i suppress my feelings until i feel like my heads going to explode," you were rambling at this point, a little nervous that he hadn't directly addressed it yet. you didn't expect him to feel the same way, you had seen him around liz, it was obvious to everyone that he'd been crushing on her forever. you had to tell him for your own peace of mind, you had finals to finish without the weight of this secret on your shoulders. "and my head was about to explode, pete, i'm not even sure i passed my history quiz today because i couldn't get my mind off of all of this. which is so stupid."

"you're not stupid, not even a little bit," peter shook his head. "and this isn't the first i'm hearing of this, either."

you expression soured, disgruntled and a little annoyed, "oh god, did mj tell you? that's so not cool, we talked about this-- i told her i would--"

"no, no, not mj," you paused, your expression unfolding, head tilting slightly as you hung on his every word. peter's eyes flickered down to your lips where they'd hung open, slightly parted after his interruption. "the other night, you were half asleep, before i left. you said it then."

you sighed. "well, that's kind of embarrassing."

he shook his head. "no, not embarrassing," his eyes glued to your face, unable to look away, the anticipation and a bit of confusion lining your expression. "confusing and complicated, but not embarrassing."

"confusing and complicated," you repeated, eyes trailing away from where they'd been looked on his for quite a while. "got it, kinda," maybe he was right, maybe this was confusing and complicated and maybe you had just opened up a can of worms. you couldn't take it back now that you'd said it, and you couldn't determine whether you wanted to or not.

"you're my best friend, is what i meant," he tried to clarify but it wasn't really helping. "and i didn't let myself think about you that way because i didn't want to ruin anything," he continued. your eyes unable to shift away from him again, your chest felt like it might sink the way he was going, you had prepared yourself for this, it was ok. "until the other night and now i haven't been able to think of you in any other way."

you felt your cheeks grow warm, eyes flickering between his, his darting down to your lips again uncontrollably this time. "what are you saying, pete?" you spoke barely above a whisper, unable to will yourself to speak any louder for fear you might break the bubble you two currently sat in. you were no longer thinking about your history quiz, or delmar's or even that you were sat in front of your best friend in your pyjamas. you only thought of peter and his soft brown eyes that never left your face.

"i really want to kiss you," he matched the level of your voice exactly, feeling yourself drawn closer to him. "so bad i feel like my head might explode," a small smile cracked onto his lips but you only caught a glimpse before you pressed your lips to his. his lips were soft but desperate, his hands moved to your waist, tugging a little to urge you to move closer, and you did until you were close enough to be sitting on his lap.

you had to retreat to catch your breath but you could feel your face flushed, running a hand through your hair, trailing down to touch your lips. one hand remained on your waist and the other slipped down to land on your thigh, slightly exposed from the bed shorts you were wearing. you didn't think it'd feel quite this good, his lips, his hands, his eyes on you. this was your best friend peter but this was different and it was good.

"how's your head feeling?" you breathed out a laugh, your lips curving upwards into a small smile.

"better," he gave a small nod, mimicking the smile on your lips. "yours?"

"a little dizzy," you admitted, never losing the curve in your lips even when peter's faltered. "in a good way, not a concussion way," you reassured, his features relaxed slightly at this confirmation, quietening his mind.

he leaned forward just a touch, your bodies still pretty entangled, his forehead leaning against yours and letting himself sit there with you for a minute or two. "listen, there's something else i should probably tell you before we do this.."

you retracted ever so slightly, remaining close to him still. you nodded gently, "what is it?"

"ok, remember you said earlier that spider-man reminded you of me?" you nodded again, eyebrows tugged together in thought. you just kissed him and he's thinking about spider-man? "well that would be because i am spider-man."

taglist:

@wildflower-cherry

@xoxohollands

@shunna

@eridanuswave

[theirishwolfhound]

Bit of a rambling thing, so like fair warning I suppose. But these are topics that I would like to use in my stories one day, just so that I can figure out my own thoughts. There is more information at the bottom about why I am personally writing this, but consider this more of a self insert type of fic (but a lot of physical details are left ambiguous) for comfort. It has a lot of different thing from my own life.

Task Force 141 (Comfort Fic)- Are You Still There?

Content Warnings: Mental Health Related Issues (Disassociation/Derealization), Passive Suicidal Ideation, Hurt/Comfort

Written In First Person, Nickname: Cardinal, You can read this as a x Reader fic but it isn't intended that way

Joining the army was something I never wanted to do, but I had no choice. Between the lack of familial financial support to the increase of the general price of living, I had no choice. I don't even know why they would accept someone like me into the force. Perhaps they were like me. Desperate. In need of anything they could get their teeth and nails in. Willing for anything, or anyone that would approach with an offer. But now that I'm in it I can't really get out. A trap I willingly walked into like an animal that doesn't know any better. One who was hungry and tired of fighting everything so I chose to fight with a collective. It nearly broke me. But the pay is nice. So at least there's that. My bones and body ache every day. But the people I work with make it worth it. Right now however is a brief rest, no missions, no worries, no problems. At least that's what I think it should be, but my mind is too busy. There are too many thoughts in my head.

What if I didn't have to join up? I wouldn't be here, that's for sure. What if those pills back in secondary school had done the job? Then I wouldn't be here, but I'm not going to try it again. What if I took a bullet next mission? There's nothing I can do it it does, if it happens then it happens. What if I don't wake up in the morning? Preferable, but I have things I need to do tomorrow. Do my pets back home miss me? I hope so. Does my family miss me? Half of them do. All of these are valid thoughts, I think they are at least, and I can't help but to have them even as I sit with my friends in the common room. Two of them play cards together, one reads a book, and the other simply scrolls through his phone. But we're watching a movie at least, so there's noise. Looking at them, I realize that I'm lucky to have them. They're my friends after all. But I don't know what they're thinking, or if they feel the same way. If they feel trapped. ...if they feel real. Are they real? Counter question: am I real? Is this... all in my head? Arguably what is in my head and what is not? Should I reevaluate my decisions? ... My life? ...

Even now as I type this I can't tell if the men around me are actually there. If the phone in my hand is real. If these thoughts are my own. It's scary. To not trust your own mind that is. Life is scary in general. For example: never knowing if you're going to even wake up in the morning. But it's something I'm willing to accept. Something quick and painless. Sleep is the best way for sure. Would I wake up? Maybe. I don't have any underlying health problems as far as I know. Where would I wake up? Hopefully in my bed. What time line would I be in? One that I'm familiar with, I pray for that. Would I adapt if I woke up in a new body? God, I hope so. ... Would they miss me? ... I hope so.

I don't hear his voice when he talks to me, I can't even see who it is, I can only sit and remain transfixed on my notes app. If I ever have to go to therapy because it gets too bad I need something to show them, right? I can't tell if the pressure on my shoulder is real or not, if the way the couch dips next to me is actually there or if I'm still lost in the idea that maybe the world I'm in is all just a dream. That my friends aren't real and that I'm going to wake up in the next moment. It has to be real. It has to be. It feels real. But I don't.

"Are ye okay, Cardinal?"

Am I okay?

"Can you talk t' me?"

Can I?

"What's going on, mate?"

"...I don't know."

"'ad us worried there, mate."

"Yeah ye' was jus'... starin' off again., thought ye might start cryin' yer eyes did that glossy thing."

"Mhm, spaced out a good ten minutes ago."

"...you okay, mate?"

"Ah... sorry... and yeah. I guess I just have a lot on my mind."

Coming back to reality was a bit hard but with the grounding hand on my shoulder it made it easier, the same with the presence next to me. For a moment I could focus. But deep down I know it won't last, the next time I start to think, I'll spiral again. It's a scary thought. I can feel my eyes burning at the mere thought, but there's nothing I can do about it.

"What do you need, Cardinal?"

What do I need?

There's not much I want in life, not anymore. I had to give up my dreams and aspirations so that I could just live. I need basics, this I know... but I'm not hungry. There's a roof over my head. I don't need a drink yet, and I'm not tired.

What did I need?

"...I dunno." "Maybe some bubble tea?"

"Yeah? C'mon then. I'll drive."

"Shotgun!"

"Cardinal get's the middle seat."

"Mm, 'spose that works."

The hand on my shoulder shifts down to my arm, helping me to my feet before two of them wrap an arm around each shoulder so that we could begin to walk out of the common room. It could be real, it could be fake, but for right now... I know that I want it to be real... for my sake.

Part of me likes to think about the possibilities of not being myself, not really in the depression kind of way (i think i could be wrong) but like in the day dreaming kind of way.

Again it may be the mental illness but like constantly formulating these ideas in my head about myself or my OCs really keep me level headed.

I don't know what it is. But it's the only way I am able to not focus on burning out. Like one moment I could be the fucking Dragonborn fighting off Alduin (I'm actually walking through a supermarket trying to get groceries) or the next moment I'm on an undercover mission with the 141 giving me updates on my surroundings via the earpiece in my ear so that I can survive (its a headphone, I'm listening to music while working a job that is breaking my body down with each shift.)

It's like I don't exist but the people I want to be do.

I would give anything to just be in a different world for like a few hours. Whether it be Skyrim or where ever CoD takes place (don't actually send me to Britain) rather than where I am. I want to be without pain, or worry about work— I want to worry about dragons burning down my fucking house.

I should be happy in general, not only when I play DnD or get to just sit with my fiancé in relative silence (parallel play if you will).

I can't tell if this is disassociation or not. I don't think it's derealization but what would I know, y'know?

[yuseirra]

I'm really sorry, I should shut up about this subject because I say too much over and over but, I end up thinking a lot about it because it's left unclear. If things weren't as confusing, I'd just have happily set down to draw fanarts as I usually do, I never knew I could do this about a character. I really, really didn't think I'd have to dissect a character like this as much ever (I really want to show my analysis to aka-san and ask him, am I wrong??;; am I taking things the way you thought or is this all just in my head?) I guess you learn something new about yourself every year! At least..hm, I saw the really good sides in someone's nature. So, I feel like it can be a good thing.

I'm so dumb... I feel like I never get tired but maybe I will if the story does fail me heheh. I feel I've been able to write these because I feel there's still hope.

Like I say, I feel like I know the ultimate direction of where all this may head. I just can't predict all the details in between so that's what makes me so nervous. That's all.

Well, I jotted down my thoughts again-

This one's machine-translated!:

Analyzing Kamiki's Character (I Keep Analyzing His Mind) - This character really couldn't have gone mad like this on his own. Seriously. What is this guy even doing?

This character is truly a subject of study. It’s so fascinating that I keep watching him.

His role is somewhat crucial(since he's the main target of the protagonist's revenge, right?), yet the perspective on him remains strangely obscure. When it comes to understanding a character's personality, their own thoughts or monologues are crucial, but even those are scarce here. There’s one shocking line that makes him seem truly insane and out of his mind, and… most of his thoughts center around Ai. I believe his feelings for Ai are sincere, but since he hasn’t been properly portrayed in the anime, the author has twisted things a bit. I feel like the creators intentionally left out certain information to maintain suspense during the anime airs—if everything about a character is revealed before their appearance, it ruins the intrigue. He was presented almost like a complete villain at first, didn't he? That whole scene with Yura I mean. So, at least while the show was airing, they seemed to have controlled things so that nothing new would be revealed and to build anticipation.

The storytelling is so unfriendly. Based on what’s been shown, it's hard to tell if this character is just a psychopath beyond redemption who hired someone to kill Ai, and somehow still can't forgive anyone who surpasses Ai, and turns into a serial killer—so much of a threat that Aqua's determination to kill him makes sense—or if he’s someone Ai loved enough to risk everything to protecti, that she found was truly worth loving, born with a kind and gentle nature that got twisted due to some external influence, making him another victim of the entertainment industry's darkness who deserves eventual redemption.

It's difficult to say for sure, but if I had to choose, my interpretations on him would lean toward the latter. I've been looking at him with that kind of light.

What confuses me is how the story reveals so little about this character. Why don’t they show more?

If they would just reveal more, I could understand him properly. It's like… even when he’s drowning to his demise, there’s nothing clear to grasp onto.

He’s a truly puzzling character.

Regardless of how you interpret him, the storytelling leaves a lot of unresolved tension. Up until a certain point, the story leads you to think of him as the former—just a villain—only for it to suddenly reveal moments where you think, “Wait, Ai really loved this guy sincerely? He actually loved her too?”—and you start to question your assumptions.

Considering the overall message of the story, the latter interpretation seems to make more sense direction-wise.

What strikes me as strange is that after this, I tried to gather all the scattered pieces of information about this character and put them together to form a clearer picture. For me, having that foundation is necessary before I can talk about him or even draw something.

And the conclusion I reached is this:

"This character was truly, inherently, a very, very good person, and Ai made a great choice with him as a partner."

I didn’t expect to reach this conclusion, so I was surprised at first, but I went with it, even while feeling a bit uneasy, and I ended up drawing a lot based on that. It was fun. At least, back in his younger days and when he was with Ai, it seems he had that personality. For Ai’s sake, that’s a relief. But by all means, if Ai fell in love with someone who turned out to be this kind of lunatic, what meaningful story can be told from that? I think it’d be more harm than good.

He truly was a kind person… and if that’s true, it could also make for a compelling story, one that shows how the darkness of the entertainment industry drove such a person to madness. But will they explore that properly?

I’m convinced. A person this kind and gentle couldn’t possibly go mad like this on their own.

It could be that he was so excessively pure and naive when he was young that he could be easily influenced.

That's why I think something must have driven him mad. And if that's the case, they should delve into that.

Under normal circumstances, it’s impossible for him to change this much. It’s difficult to speak confidently about a fictional character, especially when there’s so little revealed about them, but this is the only explanation that makes sense to me. He wasn’t just ordinarily kind. He was… truly saintly.

That’s the impression I got, so I’ve been drawing him with that interpretation, and it turned out to be right, didn’t it? He was like that originally.

Then he would never end up like this. Not typically.

So as I watch, it’s all so fascinating, puzzling, and strange. How did it come to this? Honestly, they should show us more. I want to analyze his mind, but there are so few clear pieces that I’m itching to dissect it.

I’m curious how someone so kind could change like this. It feels like something must have artificially altered his personality—something major must have happened. It doesn’t feel natural.

I’m curious, even if it’s just to understand it better.

The reason he's so hard to understand isn't really anything else—it's just that they keep hiding and not showing us anything. It’s hard to know because it’s hidden, but if they would just reveal it, I think I could understand him right away.

And I’m… sure that this is the kind of character I enjoy dealing with. I really love thinking about and drawing characters like this, so even though I only have a vague outline, I took the plunge with some courage.

But looking at his current situation, I find it hard to be hopeful, haha.

But you know what? Like I keep saying, if he’s someone Ai cherished and fell in love with that deeply, then he must be the gentlest person in the world.

If he’s like a manifestation of Sarutahiko, then he’s a good fit. I’d make him Ai’s husband if I were the author.

If he’s just a crazy person, there’s no point, right?

And like I said before, if he was genuinely in love with Ai, he would have done anything for her—given up his liver, his gallbladder, even his heart if he could. He would have loved her that much.

In fact, that’s exactly what Kamiki is doing now too. He’s just completely corrupted and has lost his mind.

:) I’m probably right. Ai really did meet the one person who could love her more than anyone else in the world.

Enough to throw everything away, even his noble heart and sanity.

But if he killed a lot of people after that, then… that’s still pretty messed up. If that’s the case, then what’s the point of this story? How can you save a guy like that?

So I hope they reveal more about him. What happened to him… if he can be redeemed (based on the story elements, he should be redeemed).

[elizabethplaid]

early morning notes - nov 4, 2024

Both phone-friend and streamer-friend were busy this weekend, so I spent my time napping and playing on my phone. (And taking photos of Wampus, which have been popular.) I sent them both well-wishes, but I didn't want to bother them. Both needed the break from their daily routines. Also, I was the one to suggest canceling this week's call, out of respect.

Thursday (Halloween, Oct 31st) was my dental appointment and some shopping, which left me very fatigued, both physically and mentally. Friday through now, my sense of touch has been hyper-aroused, but it's less scary than what happened at the end of August. (At least I didn't break my chakra, like I feared last time.)

I "took matters into my own hands" on Friday, but the sensations have persisted. I've been hesitant to say anything, as there's really nothing to be done. It's fun to whine when it's amusing, but it feels embarrassing and frustrating this time. I'm tired; I want to sleep; I don't want to be aroused. I'm too tired to do anything about it.

Sunday (Nov 3) was Friends-giving with Neighbors-S+J. I didn't go, because I'm so wonked, but dad brought home dessert. I was an impulsive fool and ate it right away, though it was close to midnight. I was most of the way through the cheesecake when I realized it'd been on the counter for a few hours. Ah, that pesky food safety. I stopped eating it and threw the rest away. (Cookies and chocolate pieces were saved and set in the fridge, as those are usually more stable.)

My impulsiveness also kept me from making a "proper" meal for myself. In the morning, I'll have something with more food groups, but emotions are clinging to that cheesecake and not sitting well with me. (Not nauseated, just some regret mixed with other weird things.) I'm near the end of my cycle, so that's my excuse for my current condition, at least partly.

I've taken my meds this morning, though I think I was late to take them yesterday (closer to noon). I was going to finish tasks for a game-event on my phone, but fatigue has eroded away my interest. There are some echoes of a dream that are lingering (kissing a hand, fairy bread), along with reading the symbolism from another recent dream, bothering my thoughts. Again, fatigue makes me want to ignore them.

I'm trying to search my memories for answers to my current situation. I've talked about this with my counselor and phone-friend. I've developed strategies before. I just can't think right now. It wasn't actions; it was attitudes, how to regard things and not get discouraged.

She also asked how I felt about the portraits from that dream, the one that's still bugging me. The symbolism site I read said it was "how you want to be seen by others", and that's true, but the details about the artist made it weird. I noted contrasts with other dreams of similar themes. Need to write down those imagery-symbols, so I can report back later.

The part about grout in dentures paralleled my dental cleaning, as well. It bothers me that it was a prediction, in a sense. The only other predictive dream I've had was related to my assault. And that anniversary is later this month, so I'm trying to keep my brain from revisiting those unhappy places.

There were also some story scenarios I envisioned as I went through that endorphin crash. I wrote about it but saved it as a draft, as it felt too painful to let anyone else see. I just had counseling the day before dental, so it's another week+ before we talk again. If I'm not feeling better by Tuesday, I'll ask for an earlier appointment.

I know there are bad feelings bubbling closer to the surface right now. They're buried under a layer of numbness, at the moment, which is also preventing me from thinking much. I appreciate how my brain is unconsciously/subconsciously? protecting me.

Still working through how much I allow myself to lean on others. This pain isn't new; there's nothing to be done by either me or them. So why bother sharing it? Maybe I'm using that as a cover-up for shame, too. Vulnerability is embarrassing, after all. Guess the mental health stuff is pretty heavy if I'm wrestling with philosophical stuff about deserving to be cared for. But it's also not easy to undo a lifetime of bad lessons, so I must be patient and kind with myself. I think I'll take a nap.

[p-sherman-42]

10/9/24

Dear N,

Happy birthday.

I have to keep reminding myself that you've probably already forgotten all about me by now, that you were probably actually relieved when I left. I have to keep reminding myself that you never cared enough to remember my birthday, or my middle name or my last name or my favorite color or movie or how I like my coffee.

I hate that I have to remind myself of these things. I hate that I have to remind myself of all your bad qualities, of all the times you let me down. Because, even after everything, I still try to focus on the good.

I don't want to hate you.

And I hate that, even after everything, I still love you and I still want to make you feel loved and appreciated and seen, even if you don't deserve it.

I was talking about it to H last night, about how fucking cruel it was of you to fill my head and my heart with all that false hope; the love songs and the talk about plane tickets and surprising me and "one day" and "when," and that book, saying it reminded you of us.

"But when I think of you, I want to be alone together. I want to strive against and for. I want to live in contact. I want to be a context for you, and for me. I love you, and I love you, and I want to find out what that means together." "I want to meet you in every place I ever loved. Listen to me. I am your echo. I would rather break the world than lose you." "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll write it in waves. In skies. In my heart. You'll never see, but you will know. I'll be all the poets. I'll kill them all and take each one's place in turn, and every time love's written in all the strands it will be to you." "At the end as at the start, and through all the in-betweens, I love you."

I took all these to be the words you could never find the courage or language to say to me yourself. And for a while, it was enough. But I reached a point (I'm not sure when or how I got there) when I found it impossible to make excuses for you anymore. It was exhausting having to constantly read between the lines, fill in the gaps, convince myself that you might love me too. I was sick and tired of having to paint you in a better light to my friends, leave out certain details that exposed your true character and your true intentions. I just didn't see the point anymore, especially not when you told me yourself that we would never be together. You weren't even willing to try.

So I cut the ties, the only ones that were holding us together across the oceans; communication. Now it feels like our continents, our worlds, our lives, our souls--which once felt so entwined I couldn't tell where mine stopped and yours began--have drifted apart. The third space in which we resided, alone, together, has crumbled. Our in-betweenness has dissolved into the aether. And slowly--painfully, torturously slow--but surely, I am missing you less and less.

I really just wish you had respected me enough to be honest, to tell me how you really felt instead of feeding me vague inclinations and stringing me along, feigning interest, but only when it was convenient for you. You only wanted me when you were bored of everything else.

I just wish you told me the truth. It would've hurt, yes, but leaving me to try to figure you out myself hurt so much fucking worse. I genuinely thought I was going insane for a while.

Anyways, I go through phases where I'm angry, sad, or just numb.

Monday I wanted you to hurt the way you made me hurt. Yesterday I couldn't understand what part of me turned you off, why my everything wasn't enough. Yesterday I wished you could've heard the way I talked about you to everyone, how even complete strangers could tell I was wholly, entirely, and miserably in love with you. Then I remembered you never told anyone about me. You wanted to keep me a secret, like you were ashamed of me--or maybe ashamed of yourself. Today, I'm just disappointed. But, for the most part, I don't feel anything.

I think I'm finally moving on, or at least starting to accept the fact that you will never be mine.

Yours always, M

[distortedataraxia]

Hello i don't know if this is a request place but can u do idk kunikida or whatever that mans name is and reader in fluff (reader is hmm, shy and uh idk flirty????????????) And kunikida found reader locked in a locker bc shes dumb and somehow locked herself i give u the allowance to think of anythiny else

Author note : hi ! I'm sure this request was from november.. lol, i hope you're doing well my friend, i had fun writing this, though i'll tell you, this is definitely badly written and the characters might probably act out of character, i apologize about that, but i still hope this reached your expectations ! And yes his name is kunikida.. you got that right.

The locker of doom

Kunikida x Fem!reader

Wordcount : 1,397

It was another normal day in the armed detective agency, Dazai was making airplanes with some papers, ranpo was chilling, yosano was bored, kunikida was working, kenji was chilling.. There wasn't really much work today.

But you just arrived at the agency, you were late because of your alarm ! Out of breath, you apologized, embarassed. "I'm so sorry for being late" Kunikida looked at you, with a face that lets no one know what he was thinking, and he just said in a low voice "Just get to work y/n" there was nothing strict in his voice, it was almost sweet, but you did as he said anyways, work was awaiting for you.

'All i need to do.. ' you thought, before suddenly remembering, that you forgot your phone in your locker! So that's why the alarm didn't ring ! Because your alarm was your phone ! Jeez..

You got up from your seat, as ranpo looked at you and asked "Hey y/n, could you grab a few snacks for me on your way?" You turned around and politely nodded "yes, i'll just go get my phone and my wallet" he looked at you and declared "Ah, so that's why you were late, you're really an airhead y/n" you quietly chuckled and said "Well i mean..that's not wrong..that's why people don't trust me with their stuff" the detective stretched and bored, he said "be more like me and be less like you" of course, he was joking, that was for sure "oh ! >:O Ranpo how could you be so cruel ! " Dazai exclamed himself, jumping in to the conversation, you decided to quickly leave and get your phone as you knew that the conversation was going to last ages, you left without saying anything and without anyone noticing, too shy to say something, afterall, it hasn't been long since you joined the agency, so you're still not used to your coworkers, but kunikida was nice though. He always seemed to keep his composure and calm around you, and he'd always apologize for any inconveniance, such as dazai's behaviour, dazai has been teasing the both of you often, leading kunikida to.. beat him up. This agency really was something. It's been only a few months since you joined, and theses few months have been the most eventful of your life.

You walked in the hallway, finding your locker, thinking about random things, suddenly, you get a bad gut feeling 'Something bad is about to happen to me.. ' you thought, checking your locker content in detail, forgetting what you were even searching, only remembering it was something small, before you realized, that you just locked yourself in your own locker by accident, it was dark.

'What the...? ' you wondered, before processing the situation.

You, a worker from the armed detective angency, got yourself stuck in your own locker. And what's better than that? You're actually scared of the dark!

You started to uncontrollably bang at your locker door in panick, thinking 'i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared !' A thousands of other thoughts came to your head 'what if i get suck here for hours?What if i die here because i'm thirsty!?' you overthinked, shaking, before causing the fall of your own locker, causing you to also fall, and be even more stuck. Suddenly, your phone ringed, and your phone ring was... careless whisper instrumental!? Since when? Who played around with your phone? 'I'm so tired of love songs..' you thought, before thinking about kunikida and wishing for him to come and save you and comfort you, like a knight in a shining armor 'i need someone to numb the pain' you pout to yourself.

The loud noise caused by the fall of your locker killed your ears, and in all honesty, the fall got you hurt, you had no energy to bang at the walls of your locker. Luckily though the loud noise echoing through the halls alerted your coworkers, you hear footsteps, someone running to your locker, and you hear a voice "what the..?y/n ?" The voice seemed familiar, it was.. kunikida's ! It was kunikida ! "Kunikida it's me, help me i'm stuck" you said breathing fast "okay y/n, i'm gonna have to pull your locker back up, please tell me if it hurts" He carefully said before moving the locker back up slowly, then, he opened the door of your locker, you jumped in his arms "you saved me ! " you said, your head nuzzling into his neck, he hugs you back and say "it's okay y/n..you know you could have just used your ability to destroy the locker right? " there was no judgement in his voice, just surprise "I don't like destroying stuff, it's a waste of materials" you said before admitting in a careful voice "and i was too scared and panicked to think about it, i'm scared of the dark" your cheeks felt hot, and you felt really weird "it's okay now, i'll keep you safe, you're okay. " he reassured you before saying "noted though, i'll make sure you don't go on missions requiring a lack of fear of the dark" His words made you happy and relieved, you started relaxing as he rubbed your back, you've actually never seen kunikida so kind and sweet since you joined the agency, you felt something weird in your stomach tingle "I was worried about you there, are you hurt anywhere? " He asked, letting go of the hug and looking at you with a concerned face, you shyly smiled before replying "yeah, my head really hurts,it banged against the locker hard when the locker fell down but atleast.. I'm out of hiding !" He sighs "how did you even get yourself stuck in there?" you stayed quiet for a few seconds, thinking, before stuttering, embarassed "no idea.. " he looks at you, there's no hint of dissapointment in his eyes, just concern and surprise as he says "it's okay.. Just be careful next time" Suddenly, you felt silly and said with a hint of playfulness in your voice "good boy, good boy, you're ought to worry about me. " A few seconds after saying that, you completely regretted your words and didn't dare to look at kunikida, and you started to laugh nervously "i'm joking.. " you said, before hearing the man's voice "it's fine.. " You could hear that he was nervous about something, you didn't know what that was about though "kunikida, you seem nervous, what's wrong?" You looked at him, there was a light pink on his face ,he cleared his throat "it's nothing. Don't worry about me. "

You smiled, confidently, and offered your hand to kunikida "take my hand through the flames, and let's get back to work" you joked, once again regretting your words a few seconds after, feeling your cheeks growing more and more hot "No y/n, we need to check if your head has any injuries, we're going to yosano right now" His voice was strict and you gulped "not yosano" You begged "i'm all fine" suddenly, you saw Dazai walking through the hallway and ran to him, hiding yourself behind him and using him as a shield, kunikida sighed and said "y/n, come on, i'm worried about you, i need to make sure you're 100% safe, even if it means going to yosano" Dazai blinked and you said, holding tight into dazai's jacket "no, not yosano, i'm fine" Dazai chuckled and said "You know kunikida, if you love y/n so much, you really should have her see a normal doctor other than yosano, or, maybe you could let me be your woman !? I wouldn't mind having you send me to yosano, if i can activate my ability i can just let her kill me !" Your eyes grew wide and you could hear the obvious frustration in kunikida's strict voice "No."

"You're so cruel, forcing y/n to go to yosano, i'm sure at this point , i'd take better care of her" he joked, you could sense that Dazai held no interest in you and only meant to annoy kunikida

".. Is that so? " kunikida asked, honestly, which surprised you, you backed away from Dazai and said "i actually rather have kunikida take care of me, not you Dazai and neither do i want yosano taking care of me"

Little did you know theses words only helped Dazai tease the both of you. You were still red at the end of the day.

[winchesterszvonecek]

I See Red 18+

Chapter 8 - What The Hell’s a Dutch Baby?

Word Count: 5179

Series Masterlist | Full Masterlist

Two weeks had gone painfully by and yet Crowley still hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Selina. Not a single text, call or even a summon had been fired his way by her. Or anyone bearing the surname Winchester for that matter. 

He was becoming antsy. Impatient. Scared that Selina might never be able to forgive him for the events that transpired between herself and Damien, who Crowley still wished he’d killed slowly as it was his fault all this was happening in the first place. Had that complete and utter moron not gone and kidnapped Claire, who was basically Selina’s little sister, then maybe Crowley wouldn’t have spent the last two weeks sulking around his palace, miserable and on the verge of insanity. 

Maybe he wouldn’t have been left stewing in the false hope that perhaps his days were off and he was still inside that two week wheelhouse that Alex had mentioned. Of course, he knew his calendar was correct. After all, he was punctual like that, but still, you can’t fault a guy for dreaming now can you?

Crowley was just hanging onto the hope that perhaps it would take Selina just a little while longer to decide to talk to him again given that the situation hadn’t involved only her. That maybe because Claire had been involved, that the situation had fallen higher on the ladder and deserved a lengthier punishment than Sam not looking for her in Purgatory did. 

Chances are Claire was the reasoning behind the entire silent treatment he was receiving as something told Crowely that Selina wouldn’t have even been phased, let alone angry enough to freeze him out had Damien only kidnapped her. 

If that had been the case then nothing would have changed between the two of them at all. It would still be drinks, near kisses and texts all round like it had once been. Unfortunately for him though, that wasn’t the case. Therefore he hadn’t heard a single peep from Selina since that fateful day and to tell the truth… Crowley wasn’t quite sure how much longer he could keep going like this.

Even his subjects had started to notice he wasn’t his usual self. Hard not to when they’d be in the middle of trials and punishments, the latter being a personal favourite of the King, and yet Crowley would zone out completely, appearing like he’d rather be anywhere else but there. 

Obviously they didn't know exactly why he was so out of it these days, although they had an inkling, but they were hoping that whatever it was would sort itself out eventually. They couldn’t believe they were thinking this but they actually missed the old Crowley, even if he did use them as dartboards as at least that way he wasn’t slouched on his throne, frowning and with his eyes glued to his phone like a teenager instead of doing his job.

“Sir?” Guthrie’s slightly confused voice seemed to snap Crowley out of wallowing in his own self pity. The King’s head slowly lifted from his phone as his brow furrowed a little in question, to which Guthrie replied with, “The trial, sir.”

Following the brief cock of Guthrie’s head, Crowley’s tired gaze came to land on the row of demons patiently awaiting their sentencing. For crimes they swore up and down they didn’t commit and to be honest, some of them probably were innocent but this was Hell-related after all, so they can’t exactly expect a fair trial. Sighing, Crowley beckoned the next fear riddled demon forth, holding out his hand that was soon met with a clipboard.

Another sigh escaped Crowley’s lips, his eyes falling to the parchment in his hand as he brought it towards him, flicking briefly through the vast amount of pages. He began to read, or more so skim, over the unnecessarily small writing that riddled them, telling him in excruciating and over-complicated detail exactly what the demon before him was being accused of. 

Truth be told, Crowley’s mind wasn’t taking in a single word of what was in front of him. Unless it was a letter written to him by Selina, one telling him that all was forgiven and that she was ready to talk to him again, then he simply didn’t care what the contents were about. Fed up already, he flipped the pages all the way back to the first one, tossing it aside and finding a touch of satisfaction when it clattered against the floor and was no longer his problem.

“You’re guilty of… Something.” Crowley began, waving his hand lazily in the air as he was too un-bothered to care about coming up with a proper crime. “Which I won’t tolerate… Whatever it was… Your sentence is death.” He said happily, motioning for his guards to take the accused away and once they did so he turned to the other occupants in the room, adding sternly, “The rest of you, get out.”

Those left in the throne room were gone mere seconds after the words left Crowley’s lips, not wishing to face the fierce wrath of the King. Certainly not whilst he was like this, all surly and unpredictable. Last time that happened he ended up feeding the demons to his hound, who had now developed quite a taste for demon blood so forgive them for being wary.

The only one who remained in the room was Guthrie, who was slightly less afraid than the others as he was Crowley’s right hand man after all. Although, that didn’t mean he was exempt from becoming Juliette’s chew toy and so he approached the throne with minor trepidation. 

“Sir, if I may.” Guthrie began, backing up a touch when Crowley stood from his throne and stepped down as he half expected an angel blade to the chest for lingering. Only to his surprise, Crowley simply walked past him and beelined for the drink’s cart, beckoning with his hand for the demon to carry on. “There have been rumours floating around the asylum recently, sir.”

“Rumours?” Crowley repeated, arching an eyebrow as he poured himself a hefty drink. 

“About your majesty and… Selina Winchester.” Guthrie replied carefully, not daring to make eye contact. 

The second the words escaped into the air Crowley’s grasp tightened on his glass, his knuckles quickly turning white with how hard he held it and he was surprised it hadn’t shattered in his hand. He sucked in a breath, dragging his bottom lip between his teeth as he closed his eyes, needing a second to prepare himself for what he was about to hear.

Opening his eyes, Crowley took a long sip of his scotch before repeating in question, “Myself and Selina Winchester?”

“Yes sir.”

“And what, precisely, do these rumours say about us?” Crowley turned, eyebrow raising again as he tried his best to act casual. When in reality his heart was racing and for once his palm grew sweaty. So sweaty, in fact, that he could feel his glass fighting to slip from his hold. 

“For starters, there's the texting… Something that’s been noticed even by those of simple minds.” Guthrie said, hearing a faint huff of amusement coming from Crowley. “Secondly, there’s Arman, sir, who has been rather vocal about the fact that he witnessed you saving Miss Winchester from a human attacker… That you seemed almost concerned about her wellbeing and that you sent her attacker to Hell… Personally.”

“Hmm.” Crowley’s eyes narrowed, tongue running over his bottom lip as he made a mental note to have Arman killed. Painfully. 

“Not to mention Damien. Who appears to have gone missing after reporting in that he’d kidnapped Miss Winchester. Along with another young hunter girl.” At that Crowley couldn’t stop his eyes from flicking red and the way his features tightened out of anger was enough to make Guthrie recoil out of fear. He quickly bowed his head, stammering out in order to save himself, “But like I said, sire… Rumours.” 

“Exactly.” Crowley’s eyes returned to their normal shade and he took a breath, that usual cocky grin of his rising slowly on his lips as he made things abundantly clear with just one word. “Rumours.”

Crowley was quick to leave the room afterwards, doing nothing but staring down at the darkened liquid of his refilled drink as it swirled in his glass with each step he took, slowly making his way through the stone halls of his asylum. He wasn’t overly worried about these so-called rumours, not really anyway. 

Demons always did have a tendency to gossip amongst themselves as a way to stave off boredom and even if the rumours reached other ears, hunter ears to be exact, nobody in their right mind would ever believe them. Why would they? 

Who would be stupid enough to believe a demon spread rumour about Selina Winchester being best friends with the King of Hell? 

Nobody, that’s who. 

Nobody, whether they be a hunter, angel or even other demons would ever believe such a tale as given Selina’s history, she’d made it perfectly clear how she felt about all demon kind. Just ask Azazel or Ruby… Oh wait, you can’t, because she killed them. 

Crowley himself may have been a special case but even he knew Selina hated demons. With a passion. 

Everybody knew it. Therefore he didn’t have much to worry about in terms of her safety as even should someone try to take her out, whether it be another hunter who assumed she was compromised or perhaps a rogue demon who accused her of poisoning the mind of the King, they wouldn’t stand a chance against her and that much Crowley knew for sure.   

In another part of the country, in a town only about an eight hour drive away from Crowley’s asylum, Selina and her brothers were in the middle of what would end up being a rather crazy case. One that was about to start when they rolled slowly into the parking lot of a local diner and pulled up beside a rather familiar looking logo. 

“God, I hate these guys.” Dean grumbled, shutting off the engine and taking a second to fully psych himself up for what he was about to endure.

“Oh come on, they’re fun.” Selina chuckled, patting Dean on the shoulder and hopping out of the car, surprising both of her brothers as lately she’d been downright miserable.

Like seriously, it had taken a hell of a lot longer than it should have to drag her out of bed this morning. Not even Sam’s famous chocolate chip pancakes could have enticed her and had it not been for Selina’s need to pee, she might have still been hidden under her covers, refusing to talk to anyone. 

To make things worse, she hadn’t even seemed interested in this case when Dean told her about it. She hadn’t even batted an eye at the strange crime scene photo and had it not been for Sam physically pulling her out of her room then she wouldn’t be here. Although now that she was, Selina was kind of glad she’d tagged along as not only did she need this, but she’d also kind of missed the owners of the white van parked next to them. 

A van with only a single word painted on the side… Ghostfacers. 

“You’re only saying that because they both think you’re hot.” Dean mumbled, his lips scrunching up a little at even having to say that. Just because his sister would be considered conventionally attractive, didn’t mean he’d like to think about it, thank you very much.

“I am hot.” Selina replied plainly, and with a cocky smile which had Dean roll his eyes as they headed towards the entrance of the diner. 

The bell above the door dinged faintly as they entered, their noses greeted with the mouthwatering smell of food and reminding Selina she hadn’t eaten yet. It was relatively quiet inside, it being just a little before the lunch rush which meant this conversation would go a whole lot easier as they didn’t have to worry about eavesdropping ears. 

It was never fun explaining to those unfortunate enough to overhear their supernatural related talks. Most of the time they just pretended they were writing a book as it was much simpler that way.

“No way.” Selina breathed out, coming to a stop next to a lonesome sign that stood just inside the door. “They make Dutch babies here… Let’s order one.”

“What the hell’s a Dutch baby?” Sam asked, his brow a little furrowed as he glanced towards the poster. 

“About two thousand dollars less than an American baby.” Dean replied wittly, grinning at his own joke which only had Sam frown in response. 

At least Selina found it funny, Dean thought to himself. And honestly, he was glad she did as he hadn’t even seen her smile since she got back from Jody’s let alone laugh at something. She was still taking what happened to Claire rather hard on herself so any chance he’d get to cheer her up, he’d happily take it. Especially if it meant aggravating Sam in the process. 

“It’s their world famous high-rise pancake.” Selina informed them, speaking as though it was obvious by the name. Which it was. For some anyway. 

Clearly not Sam though as he still looked a little confused. However, not confused enough to point out how long they took to cook. 

“Cat, it says it takes twenty-five minutes.” He tapped his knuckles lightly against the sign, casting his gaze back towards his sister. “Have you forgotten that we’re on a case?”

“I don’t care.” Selina replied, folding her arms over her chest. “I’m still reeling from being kidnapped… Not to mention I’m currently bleeding from my-”

“Okay, okay. You don’t need to say it. We get it.” Sam held up one hand, silencing her before she said anything that might scar him for life.

“Oh grow up, will you?” Selina muttered with a roll of her eyes. She���d never understand men and their disgust for periods. Sam and Dean especially as they’d experienced far worse over the years than a little bleeding.

They’d literally been to Hell for crying out loud but God forbid Selina ask them to buy her a box of tampons or mention she had cramps.

“It’s just a vagina. We’ve all seen one.” She added, for good measure as they really needed to get over themselves. 

“Well, Sam hasn’t. He’s still a virgin, remember.” Dean happily pointed out, making Sam frown more than he already was and even his eyebrows seemed to fall with it.

“Right, from the chastity group thing.” Selina chuckled, shaking her head a little. “That’s unfortunate… It's been a while, Sam. You want me to help you find someone?” She glanced up at him, rolling her lips and finding clear amusement in his blank expression. 

“Can you both focus? We’re working.” Sam said bluntly, a soft sigh escaping his lips when all Dean and Selina did was snicker in response. 

Maybe Crowley had been right that day in the car, maybe Selina wasn’t his twin after all as she was far too similar to Dean than she was him.

“Okay, jeez, relax you big virgin.” Selina teased, giving Sam a playful tap on the arm. “We can work and order a Dutch baby at the same time.”

“Fine, you order your baby, Dean and I will go talk to these two idiots.” Sam replied, about to spin on his heels before Selina spoke again.

“Oh, is there a mirror in here?” She joked, this time making both Sam and Dean frown. She rolled her eyes, exhaling tiredly, “I’m kidding. God, you’re both so stiff it’s hard to believe we’re related.”

“Let’s just go.” Sam nudged Dean, cocking his head towards the table where he’d spotted their old friends. Or acquaintances rather? Whatever they were, they were a pain in their ass.

“Hey, order me one too.” Dean whispered towards Selina before he was dragged away by Sam. She flashed him a thumbs up, making a happy grin rise on his face. 

Only that grin quickly fell when the two of them collapsed into the booth next to their two least favourite people, Ed and Harry. Both of whom looked equally as amused to see Winchesters as they did to see them. 

“Ah, the Winchesters... Yay.” Harry muttered, equally as fed up as he was sarcastic.

“Says nobody.” Ed carried on. 

“Ever.” Harry finished, rolling his eyes a little before Selina approached, slamming a chair down at the end of the table which had both himself and Ed jump in their skin. 

“Hey boys.” Selina smiled, clearly pretending to flirt with them as she spun her chair around and straddled it, noticing the drastic change in behaviours the two boys seemed to exhibit over her appearance.

“H-Hey, Cat. Nice to… To see you again.” Harry stammered out, doing his best not to look her directly in the eyes. 

“You changed your hair…” Ed pointed out, ignoring the furrowed eyebrows being fired his way by Sam and Dean. “Looks… Looks good.”

“All right, keep it in your pants.” Dean muttered, fed up already as it was bad enough just running into them, he didn’t need them both drooling over his sister too.

“What… I don’t…”

“Just up and listen, both of you. This is how it's gonna go.” Dean carried on, banging his fist on the table a little before pointing at them. “You two clowns are gonna get into that mystery machine outside and you’re gonna leave town… Or I’m gonna put holes in your knees.”

“Okay, first of all… You guys don’t scare us.” Harry said bravely, gesturing only between Sam and Dean as despite how attractive he found Selina, he was rather scared of her. 

Last time they’d been together, locked in that Morton House, she proved just how scary she could be so the last thing he wanted was to provoke her. Dean might not make good on his word of putting holes in their knees, but Selina would, that much he was certain of. 

“Not at all.” Ed added, trying his best to act cool when in reality, he was a tiny bit scared. 

Lifting his shirt to reveal a gun tucked into his waistband Harry carried on, “Say hola to my little pistola.”

"Am I supposed to be impressed with that treasure trail or the lady gun you got hiding in your pants there?" Dean asked, pointing briefly towards the world's smallest gun. 

“Uh… Both?” Harry hesitated, brows knitted together as that had sounded more like a question than a statement. His face relaxed, his shirt dropping as he unconvincingly shrugged, “Mainly the gun.”

“Hmm, I think mine is bigger.” Selina teased, lifting her own shirt to reveal not only the much bigger gun she had tucked in her own waistband, but the bottom of her bra too. 

Obviously she hadn’t meant to show it. She’d just pulled her t-shirt up a little too high but it seemed to only add to the impact as it appeared as though the boys were practically whimpering to themselves and she couldn’t help but think that was the only bra they’d ever seen on a woman.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Sam interrupted, motioning for Selina to lower her t-shirt. “Maybe you should go and wait outside.”

“Yeah, before these two melt into a puddle of ectoplasm.” Dean added, a soft scoff leaving the back of his throat as he looked over at the dazed boys.

“Fine.” Selina stood up, lifting her chair and placing it back under the table she got it from. She glanced over her shoulder, catching the eyes of the obviously disappointed Ghostfacers and adding, “See you boys around… And as for you two, don’t forget my Dutch baby.” 

“We won’t.” Sam and Dean called after her in unison, knowing better than to forget anything food related when it came to Selina as she was worse than Dean when it came to pie.

Satisfied, Selina left, allowing her brothers to do whatever it was they’d come here to do as honestly she hadn’t been listening to them. The entire car ride here she’d been scrolling through her phone. More specifically her text thread with Crowley, which had been mostly one sided as she’d yet to respond to any of his messages.

He’d given up trying to call her as she only declined it the second his name flashed on her screen. So instead he’d restored to texting her a few times a week to see if she was ready to talk to him again. To be honest, Selina didn’t even know if she was ready or if she ever would be , hence the fact that she’d straight up ignored each message no matter how hard it was for her to do so.

With a sigh, she locked her phone and tucked it back into her pocket after making note of the time as she was rather looking forward to her Dutch baby and was counting down the minutes to when she could eat it. Selina leaned back, hearing the slight squeak of the leather of her jacket against the car door as she glanced up at the sky, wondering at what point in her life had things gotten so damn complicated that she felt bad for ignoring a demon.

She knew it was the trials. That the last one had bonded her and Crowley in a way she never would have expected it to, but she didn’t like thinking about that day. Not when she only ended up remembering what Crowley had confessed to her and how badly she wanted to be able to give it to him. 

Meow. Saved by the cat, thank God. 

Selina’s head cocked to the side a little, her eyes soon spotting the small, black cat that was strolling towards her. She couldn’t help but smile a little, crouching down and holding out her hand as the cat approached her cautiously. It sniffed at her fingertips, eyeing her carefully and when it came to realise she wasn’t a threat, it happily allowed her to pet it. 

“Aren’t you such a cutie?” Selina cooed, trailing her fingers along the cat’s back as it brushed up against her, purring softly and in a way that made her feel all warm inside as she always did like when animals took a liking to her. Cats especially.

If she had it her way, there would be a cat running around the bunker but unfortunately her brothers were absolutely no fun at all and therefore wouldn’t allow it, making herself and Castiel rather disappointed. 

“The cat seems to like you… No surprise there.” 

Two weeks was a long time for Selina to have gone without hearing that utterly smooth voice, meaning she was unable to stop the intense shiver from running up her spine and having her entire body shudder in response. She glanced to her side, spotting Crowley’s signature black suit as he made his way closer, every step only accelerating her otherwise calm breathing.

Selina’s eyes moved slowly up the length of his body and she swallowed thickly the closer she got to his face, the one she hadn’t been able to get out of her head no matter how angry she was with him. The second her gaze locked onto his, she was practically done for, her heart hammering furiously beneath her enochian carved ribs and for a second, she played about with the idea of throwing herself at him. 

“Hello Selina.” Crowley added, deepening his voice purposely as he could almost sense the way Selina was feeling about him. He took one step forward, only to stop instantly when the cat she had been petting hissed at him before scarpering away.

Now annoyed, Selina sighed then muttered, “Did you have to do that?”

She was unable to help the slight scowl that flashed across her face as she straightened, folding her arms over her chest. She did her best to avoid making more unnecessary eye contact now that she was face to face with him, should she roll over and submit to his every need and desire.

“Apologies.” Crowley replied, edging his way closer to her as she leaned back against the Impala, still opting not to look directly at him again. But he had hope. After all, she did talk to him. 

“What do you want?” Selina asked, a soft sigh leaving her lips as nothing but the sound of gravel crunching beneath Crowley’s feet met her ears in response. 

A moment went by and still silence. For a second Selina thought he might have left due to her attitude, until the gap between them closed a lot more than she would have expected it to. She felt Crowley’s finger hook gently beneath her chin, slowly raising her face to meet his. 

“For starters, for you to look at me for longer than five seconds.” He began, watching as Selina’s lips pressed together into a tight line, almost apologetically. And when she didn’t drop her gaze after more than those five seconds, he began to feel hope spark beneath his chest. 

“There.” Selina breathed out, her heart hammering even harder against her ribcage at just how close he was to her. That still wasn’t enough to make her fully forgive him though, which may have been why her tone seemed so hostile when she next spoke. “I’ve looked at you. Now what do you want? ”

“Selina, don’t be like that.” Crowley said softly, opening the hand still beneath her chin to land lightly aside her face, watching the way her eyelids slowly fluttered and for a split second, her lips curled upwards. “I said I was sorry, didn’t I?” 

Wrong choice of words Crowley thought to himself, as the second they crossed his tongue and escaped into the air Selina’s face dropped beneath his touch. She raised her hand, wrapping her fingers tightly around his wrist and pulling his own away from her face, all but throwing it back at him as she moved away from the car and out of his intoxicating personal space. 

“Because that makes it so much better.” Selina scoffed as she turned away from him, not finding herself able to look at him for another second. “Sorry doesn’t change the fact that Claire and Alex could have been killed, all because you don’t know how to keep your demons in check.” 

“I know.” Crowley said softly, choosing to be patient as Selina was far, far more stubborn than he ever was. He edged his way closer to her, reaching out and lightly ghosting his hand over her shoulder, a spark of relief igniting within when she seemed to relax under his touch rather than tense up. “But I truly am sorry, Selina.” 

Crowley’s hand landed properly on her shoulder, a soft sigh meeting his ears after it escaped from Selina’s lips. She turned her head, eyes flowing up from the warmth of his hand to meet his, the honesty behind them making it all the more difficult for her to stay mad at him. She knew how hard it was for Crowley to admit fault let alone apologise for anything, only adding to the confirmation that he really had changed. 

“And I promise you…” He began, his touch slowly working its way up the length of her neck. He gently cradled one side, running his thumb along the almost faded bruise on her jawline, all while his eyes never once left hers. “For as long as Hell follows me, it will never happen again.” 

“It better not.” Selina whispered, her breath hitching a little as this was all so much for her to take in at one time. 

The gentleness of his touch. The softness of his words. Not to mention the look in his eyes, the one so filled with care and adoration that it had her unable to fully believe he was the same demon who had once tried to kill her. It was overwhelming to tell the truth, and for once she was praying that her brothers would show their faces and scare Crowley off as she didn’t know how much resistance she had left in her. 

“You have my word, darling.” Crowley said, continuing to draw light circles over her skin with his thumb. And for his own sake he ignored the rapidness of her pulse against his palm as chances are her heart was beating fast for entirely different reasons and not because of him. “And you know I always keep those.” 

It was true, he did always keep his word which is why Selina simply nodded her head once in response, her lips twitching upwards just enough to allow Crowley to let out the breath he’d been holding since the moment he showed up. 

She’d forgiven him. 

“I’ll do what I can to make it up to you.” Crowley added, for good measure as it couldn't hurt to offer her more in terms of an apology. 

“Just keep your demons away from my girls and we’ll call it square.” Selina breathed out, doing her best to ignore the way her hand twitched out of eagerness to touch him. “They’ve been through enough.” 

“You have my word that I’ll try my best.” Crowley replied, unable to fully promise her that he would as he couldn’t control every single demon on earth. “But you know as well as I do, there are unruly demons still out there.” 

“That’s okay… As long as they aren’t yours, then we won’t have a problem.” Selina said assuringly, offering him a warm smile which all but had his heart want to leap from his chest. 

Once again their bodies seemed to involuntarily lean forward, as though they were magnetic and unable to stop themselves from connecting. Their eyes found one another and they both knew what was about to happen, yet neither of them did anything to try and stop it. They wanted this, more than anything did they want this to happen but unfortunately for them, the universe was, once again, not on their side. 

“I’m just saying, the sign said they take twenty-five minutes. Ours came out in twenty. That makes it preemie.” 

“It’s a pancake, Dean. Not a real baby.” 

The sound of her brother's nearing voices had Selina step abruptly away from Crowley, despite how hard it was to move her legs away from the gravitational pull they seemed to have towards one another. Not that it mattered as in the blink of an eye Crowley was gone, leaving her to do nothing but think… What if?

What if life didn’t keep getting in the way? Would she kiss Crowley? Or would her conscience get the better of her and stop her because deep down, she knew it was wrong? Selina wasn’t overly sure, but she was sure she’d find out next time as you know what they say… Third time’s the charm.

Chapter 9 ->

[frogofalltime]

25.02.2024

ough. this day was so hard. i debated even writing this, but i think keeping a daily diary has been helping me process stuff, so i'm sticking with it.

i got up around 10am and ate breakfast. i was procrastinating washing my dishes and getting dressed, when i received a sudden message from my mother.

it was extremely long, basically an essay. she had found out through her sister that i've been identifying as trans. and she was extremely upset. i won't go into details because it's very transphobic and probably triggering for anyone to read. but yea. it hurt a lot. probably more than anything else she's said in the last year.

then she called me and when i picked it up she was just sobbing into the phone. i had no idea what to say or do. she kept asking me why, saying it didn't make sense, that i was and always will be a girl. she was so happy that she had a daughter and now she feels like she's lost me. she said she doesn't know me anymore, the way i dress isn't "me", and i am making myself look ugly and trying to be something that isn't real. she said i have stepped away from islam by surrounding myself with queer non muslims who are pulling me away from the right path, and i had rejected God's guidance. that made me cry too.

i tried to explain that these things aren't black or white. my therapist told me that growing up and figuring out who you are involves trying different things and seeing if they fit or not. so when i was younger i tried to cure my gender dysphoria by presenting femininely, since i thought it was the best option i had, but it didn't fit. so now im trying the opposite, and it does feel a lot better. but she said i am being so extreme, why can't i just be Me, why do i have to have a label or call myself a boy. and i had no idea how to answer that.

she told me i can't trust how i Feel, feelings are just feelings, so i have to have faith in God. like how she doesn't feel comfortable in hijab either, but she wears it anyway because she believes it's what is Right, and that where she will end up the next life is more important than how she feels in this one.

in the end she said she had no choice but to talk to my father about this, and i begged her not to. he is a million times more homophobic and transphobic than my mother so if he finds out it will be so much worse. she told me that he would definitely find out sooner or later if i don't change my ways. so i decided to remove the pronouns from my instagram bio, block even more people, and change the captions on some posts to appear less queer.

finally she put down the phone and i was left feeling Horrible. i messaged @etherealspacejelly and my best friend from school and my childhood best friend (who is also trans). it helped me to calm down a little, although i was still panicking very much.

eventually i managed to eat some lunch and get changed out of my pyjamas, because i couldn't stand being stuck in my room alone with my thoughts. i went to my friends' house at around 4pm and they asked what was wrong so i showed them my mother's message. they were sympathetic and supportive, but i still couldn't stop thinking about what she'd said. from her perspective, everything my friends and therapist and doctor etc tell me is wrong because they don't have islam as a guide. maybe she's right. i'm terrified.

to cheer me up my friends made sure i ate, and played some games with me. i did some sewing, and we watched my neighbour totoro which is one of my comfort movies, but i couldn't concentrate.

robin said i need to be more careful because things like this keep happening. and he's right, i should've stayed closeted, but it all feels so unfair. my friends can all explore their gender identities and sexualities and express themselves in different ways, so why can't i ??

i finally left the house at 1am, because i was so tired and robin had already gone to sleep so i couldn't stay the night. also they're burnt out at the moment, i didn't want to add to that with my own burdens, so i went home. i prayed, got into bed, and tried not to cry. i think i fell asleep around 2am.

i feel so alone. honestly, it looks like my only option is to detransition. i will just have to make the best of an awful situation and live as a woman forever. i see no future where my parents will accept me being trans. even if they disowned me i don't think i could live like that. and i am so scared because my mother is right. this is not compatible with islamic teachings. and i dont know how to reconcile any of it.

[gregorygerwitz]

Okay, no. You have to tell me about bruises verse mouse/Thomas ward, I am dying.

Yes, of course! I think about my collection of spoiled rich boys (and Matt) a normal amount!

Bruises 'Verse is an AU I developed back in my Marvel/Agents of SHIELD era set after everyone gets out of the Framework? But s5 and the whole time travel/space arc doesn't happen?

As per usual, under a read more because I can't shut up about anything ever

The very short version is that Leo Fitz leaves SHIELD to process all of that trauma, as well as the fact that Radcliffe is his biological father (anyone who followed me in that era knows my URL was holdendadcliffe, it's my favorite theory, I still think about it daily), and in a year moves to the PNW (some smaller town outside of Seattle, far enough from the city that he doesn't have to worry about anything, I was undecided on the details) and becomes a middle school science teacher. There, he also runs into his... they aren't exes, because they never defined their relationship, but they did go on a date before Leo got dragged into joining the field team with Jemma. He's my original character, his name is Matthew Scott, he's a good boy who has a medical degree but decided to give up on that dream and become a librarian, completely coincidentally, in the same small town that Leo ends up in.

I wrote a whole fic about it, but before his death in s3, Grant Ward (I love him, okay? I can and will write essays about him *Jay voice* in fact, I have. many times.) wrote letters for a few people in his life as a sort of... apology? He was really obsessed with the concept of "closure" in early s3, and I leaned into that while writing and developing this little universe. And those letters got left to Thomas, with the instruction to deliver the rest of them. He kind of just mailed off the others because *gestures to SHIELD and how they treated him* but he had to track down Leo because he didn't really leave a contact address with SHIELD and purposefully dropped off the radar because he also wants nothing to do with them.

And when Thomas drops off that letter for Leo, they kind of become friends? Thomas, who was floundering to get his life back after SHIELD disrupted it, who didn't want to go back to working at the bank they found him at because it's not a Safe Place anymore. So, he also moves to that little town, and does the first thing he can think of, which is going through the police academy and having a stable job so that he can hang out with friends (honestly, just Leo and Matt at that point) and pay rent and all that fun adult stuff that everyone hates.

Lately, I've been thinking about a lot of AUs where Mouse finishes his tour with the Army and returns to the States but doesn't go back to Chicago? I have thoughts about him going to Georgia, continuing his connection with the military and using it to get a job doing tech for them. I have thoughts about him going to Los Angeles and becoming a firefighter (the 911 crossover AU is NOT thought through yet don't ask about it for at least another week) or becoming private security or something for rich start up entrepreneurs. Things like that.

It occurred to me, a few months ago, that he could have also relocated to that same small town, and become a teacher (I especially thought about it after rereading @kitthekazoo's Community Garden fic, because teacher!Mouse my beloved) at the same school that Leo teaches at!

I just thought it would be funny if the tech boys with parental trauma and other causes of PTSD became best friends??? And Mouse and Matt would get alone great (tired homosexuals who are kind of over being dragged to the bar every week, because Matt is sober and Mouse is trying to avoid anything that might become a slippery slope for a while until he fully adjusts to being in Not A War Zone), and then... Thomas is kind of his type???

Detective? Complicated relationship with his brother? Pretty eyes?

Mouse is simple and I respect that.

Bonus: Matt and Tommy rolling their eyes when Leo and Mouse start talking about their students and completely forget that their boyfriends are there because they're unhinged little science nerds

I love the concept of smashing my blorbos together in a chaotic AU and seeing what my brain does. In this case, my brain said "boyfriends!" and now Mouse gets to actually date a detective and have friends and a life outside of that little cage he was in for most of his run on CPD, and I get to make him happy!

Fun fact: Tommy is a piece of shit (affectionate) and definitely calls Matt "Mascot" because Leo made the mistake of introducing him as "Matt Scott" and, uh... the joke was too easy he had to make it

[bots-and-cons]

So I've been having fun...

I've really not had the best week so I just wanna vent a bit. But first, a bit of an update on the state of the requests. I've got two requests left and I've already started writing the other one, so I'll get the last one done next Wednesday (23rd of August) at the latest. I'm planning on opening the requests on that same evening so maybe turn on your notifications for my blog so you don't miss it.

Requests will open on Wednesday, 23rd of August, there will be an announcement post when they open.

Venting below vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

So, I haven't been doing very well this last week. I have no idea what brought this on, but my week didn't start too well. I think my psychosis might be going into a more active episode for the first time in a long time, and it's pretty fucking scary tbh. I had a very strong, even if brief delusion on Monday evening to Tuesday about noon which was scary. I'm not gonna go into detail about it, because I don't think anyone wants to hear it and I don't particularly wanna talk about it.

On Tuesday I went with a friend to her entrance exam, because she needed some emotional support. She wouldn't have gone there at all if I hadn't gone with her, so I kinda felt like I had to go. She straight up told me she would have skipped it if she had to go alone. She got into school too, since it was like a really quick application process and the results came today. I'm happy for her, but the day reallly tired me out and in retrospect, I don't think it was a good idea for me to go.

On Wednesday my anxiety was so high I could barely function and I kept spacing out and going into a dissociative state constantly. Not fucking fun. I've barely slept since Monday, because I keep waking up because of anxiety dreams and for other unknow reasons.

Today (Thursday) was fine, I'm functioning semi-normally and the anxiety from yesterday is mostly gone. I even managed to call my school to sort some stuff out. I've signed up for the courses for this fall and now I just need to get my money situation under control.

I've got an appointment with my psych nurse tomorrow. I'm hoping she doesn't make me go to my psychiatrist because of the more frequent delusions and hallucinations. Since I'm still functioning mostly okay I doubt I'll have to, but we'll see. It might all just be caused by school starting and me stressing about it. I kinda doubt it though, because this has been going on for about a month now and I don't think I've been stressing about school for that long.

[puff-mmd]

2/5/23

oohhh i'll eventually write details about it (cause as kaisei talks about it, ciro will pop them back to the present with some kind of comment about the story, that's just how he is - a good listener y'know)

but the gist of it is that kaisei had a really good friend growing up, and when they were about 10-11, kaisei made it a little obvious he had a thing for him. they were walking home together, and before the friend left to go to his house, kaisei stopped him and gave him a hug - but it just... felt different. the way kaisei put his arms around his friends neck, the way his body seemed just a bit too close, the friend didn't say anything about it, but they both knew it was awkward. kaisei never did tell this friend how he felt, but he knew in some way that even if he did, he'd have lost him sooner anyways. they parted ways after going to different high schools, and it was in high school that kaisei kinda... explored things a teeny bit more?

he never told anyone straight up "hey im gay!!" but it's.... y'know, people knew. im thinking there was a guy that started realizing himself that he wasn't feeling the way about girls that he used to, and in private reached out to kaisei because "well, he's like that right?"

details aside, kaisei agrees to try things out with him, and unfortunately, the guy realizes before doing something (sweats) that nope, he actually can't do this and leaves (imagine kaisei left in an empty classroom sitting on the floor by the door like "huh. well this actually sucks and i'm not happy i did that." it happens once more when he's in high school, but the second time, the guy doesn't chicken out but at the same time, he's not sure what to do with the fact that he liked doing it with a guy.

(Puff from the future - this guy turned out to be yakumo, he and kaisei were friends in hs before they ended up doing things and that will get elaborated on later)

both times in high school ended up leaving kaisei with a bitter aftertaste because neither guy even wanted to entertain the idea of possibly dating a guy (him), so both times he was left with this like.... not heartbreak, but a hollow feeling. like he was just used because people knew he would try it with them (even though it only happened twice).

when he's out of school, he finds himself trying to date guys, but it usually ends up one of two ways - if he meets them in a way that they both Know Whats Up, the other guy tends to preface everything with "nothing serious" (which kaisei wants something serious, he always has, but at the same time he'll take whatever he can get because he still craves that attention and affection) and if he meets guys that he's unsure if they're gay, 90% of the time they end up not. and so for a while, kaisei's track record of relationships is. well, not great (non-existent, technically). that's why when he meets ciro, and ciro gives him that Vibe, he gets excited, like maybe!!! maybe this time will be different, finally!!!

and why when he finds out about ciro's ex-gf, he thinks the way he does. that of course not, he was getting ahead of himself again, reading into things too much, and only settting himself up for an ending he was all too familiar with.

and it's why he starts to almost cut ciro off. what's the point after all, he knows even if they were still friends, it would be just like when he was a kid. having to hide how he felt, and never really being able to let himself try to find someone else because whenever he'd be around ciro, he'd only be able to think about those feelings.

that moment on the way home after the party feels so much heavier too now. actually, like kaisei's words, "Hey, stop me if you don't want this, okay?" are his way of saying fuck it, i'll try and if he hates it let it be now and let me just know already - he's tired of carrying these feelings around if they'll never amount to anything. so when he pulls away, and ciro just pulls him back in, it'...

it's everything he'd ever wanted.

(Future puff again - this scene still happens, but its while they're still at the afterparty. Ciro is more involved in asking questuons and talking to kaisei openly during it as well, as it just makes more sense if theres a conversation about it before they started feeling close again. I'll talk about that more later too--)

God i need to sit down and put all these events in order at some point lmao

For my sanity as well as anyone else's who is remotely interested in these two