#i laid down and now i can't motivate myself to do any of these things. most likely outcome is i do nothing at all.

[its-all-papaya]

oh also happy quarterly 'i should pull an all-nighter to catch up on all my responsibilities' day. i've never actually successfully pulled it off, but every few months i'm like.... maybe THIS time....... it will work.....

[the-fiction-witch]

I Will Eat You

Media IRL

Character Thomas

Couple Thomas X Reader

Rating Cute

I laid in bed wrapped up tightly with blankets and pillows trying to keep myself warm, keep myself steady so I didn't throw up or worse. I felt terrible so I did my best to try and settle myself to rest and relax. 

"Hey, little lady," Thomas spoke up as he poked his head through the door 

"Get out!" I whined 

"I know you're not very well, but if I may ask a little question?"

"What?" 

"Would we have... a little sexy time?"

"No."

"But before you say no!"

"I've already said no."

"But... please consider, I have been cleaning out the kitchen today"

"Really?" I glared poking my head out the covers "You feel so entitled, that you literally feel like you deserve a blow job for cleaning the kitchen?"

"I mean... I'm not gonna say no. But while I was cleaning I found some chocolate at the back of the pantry, and because it was almost out of date.... I ate it. And now have discovered it was that horny chocolate we bought and forgot about." 

"So now?"

"So now I can't think straight because my dick is overriding all over thoughts in my brain" 

"No. if it's that much of an issue go jerk off in the bathroom."

"But I wanna have fun with my little lady."

"No!"

"Fine" he sighed going back to... whatever it was he was doing before he came to the bedroom, so I got myself cosy and cuddly trying to fight away my sickness for what felt like a good hour or two "Y/n?" He cooed 

"Hummm?"

"Did you want a little sexy time now?"

"No thomas."

"Aww, please?"

"No."

"What if I just came and gave you a little cuddle to make you feel better?" He asks coming closer to the bed

"You come near me I will eat you" I warn

"Okay, what if I brought you a snack?"

"What kind of snack?" I asked poking my head out a little 

"Pringles, and jelly-filled marshmallows you're favourite"

"Where did you get marshmallows?"

"I found them at the back of the cupboard, they fell down the back you must have thought you ate them all" 

I took the marshmallows and pulled them into my little tent "You may sit. for five minutes"

"Thank you very much little lady" He laughs giving my forehead a little kiss as he sat "Also do you have any idea where the pup is?" 

"Here" I answered moving the covers to reveal our puppy lying with me inside the covers 

"Oh I've been looking for you" He laughed giving the pup a stroke 

"He's here making me feel better."

"Why do you get all the cuddles?"

"Because he knows I'm sick. so he's here to make me better."

"I'll cuddle you to make you feel better."

"No. You have ulterior motives" I glared 

"I mean... you're telling me the puppy doesn't? he humps stuff way more than I do."

"Not anymore, he's a good boy he doesn't hump things now he's had his appointment" I cooed "Maybe we should do that to you" 

"Nahh I need Mine!" He complained

"Do you? really?" 

"Fine, you get some rest." He smiled before he headed off elsewhere 

So I got cosy and cuddly trying to get some sleep for a good while

"Awwww... she's so cute, what a wute wittle wady, all sweepy" He cooed coming and petting my hair but I flicked my eye open to glare at him "ahhh! she's awake!" 

"What do you want?" I glared 

"I brought you McDonald. to make you feel better."

"Did you get nuggets?"

"Nuggets, chicken burger, milkshake and a happy meal as they have the cute toys you wanted. You gonna come out your little tent now?"

"Alright" I sighed getting out of bed but keeping the duvet and blankets around me as I shuffled away 

"Well... your out of bed" He shrugs "As I got you Mcdonalds... can we have some sexy time?"

"Later." I sighed

"YES!"

"But slow, because you move me around to fast and I throw up you cleaning the bed."

"Deal" 

[heyimspade]

This isn't something I talk about a lot, but it's inportant for context.

I was an extremely suicidal kid, but only due to circumstances rather than depression. Every day when I got home from school, I was beaten (along with 3 of my other adopted siblings) by our adoptive parents.

EVERY

FUCKING

DAY

For 15 years, we had to deal with it, and we all found Solice in works from artists, one of my siblings preferred Jk Rowling, another preferred Stephane Meyer, and the other preferred music.

My first year of middle school, I was full well and prepared to kill myself at any given moment. I didn't see any end to the torment, but then I found the graphic novel section in our school's library. I read Kingdom Hearts, .Hack, and various TokyoPop titles, but then I stumbled upon 3 little Red books with a character strangley similar to Son Wukong in human form on the cover. I read them, and became obsessed. That was the original Dragon Ball Manga. It was goofy, had some very rated R jokes, but it was a blast. I read the entire series online by the time the second quarter of school rolled around.

Now I didn't realize the story continued until Dragon Ball Z Kai started airing on nicktoons.

And I watched, EVERY EPISODE AND MOVIE THAT AIRED.

It was my motivation. It kept me going.

"I can't kill myself, DBZKai still hasn't done the buu arc yet and theres talk of more movies and shows coming soon. They're gonna be doing GT next."

It wounds stupid I know, but I was a kid and that's all it took.

Now modern day, I turn 25 soon, and I am still keeping up on all things DBZ. I play all the games, have every episode and movie ever aired or released on DVD, and a digital copy of every book. (Including "That time I woke up as Yamcha").

Last night after a 10 hour shift at work, I got home, laid down in bed, and started playing mobile games to help me wind down. (It works for me, idk why).

Right when I was about to doze off, I get a text from from a co-worker who also liked DBZ. The text broke me. It was like I had lost something very important to me.

Akira Toriyama has worked himself to death at age 68. Died from a blood clot to the brain on March 1st.

I'll never get the chance to tell him "Thank you, for all you've done for me."

He changed my life. He made it better, made it easier to get through all hardships, even now.

I don't want him to go.

I just wish I had 1 more chance to tell him how much he impacted my life, as well as others.

Rest in peace, Akira Toriyama. You created a legacy, and you will be severely missed.

[xoxo-mei]

Long-Awaited Confession - A Wil Ohmsford x Reader Oneshot

Amberle sacrificed herself instead of me to become a part of the Ellcrys.

That's how all this started.

It began just like normal. Amberle and I decided that there should be some female Chosen, to motivate the younger girls that society shouldn't hold them back from what they truly believed in. Once, we both got in, things started... changing.

It started with visions and whispers. When I told Amberle about them, she said she had the same.

Then, the Druid Allanon came along with his apprentice half-elf Wil Ohmsford. They told us a bunch of crap about saving the world we know from demons that are escaping, one by one as the leaves of the Ellcrys fell to the ground. And it is as daunting as it sounds.

The moment we realized one of us had to sacrifice the life they had, I was certain it was going to be me.

I mean, Amberle had people that cared for her. A boyfriend who was willing to die for her safety. And an important position that only she would be able to uphold. But, she didn't agree, and laid down her life the moment we heard. Amberle didn't even give me time to protest.

It all hit hard, but mostly for Wil.

Only the Gods knew how much I loved him. He was so sweet and so silly. Not to mention, the bravery and courage he showed to everyone when the battle neared us. The battle was a lot for me to take. The idea of him falling down at the strike of a demon was enough to bring me nightmares.

I should've known he would manage.

I sighed, leaning back against the tree as I settled myself on the highest branch, scratches covering the revealed spots of skin from climbing up the tree. The sun was setting in the distance, disappearing behind the mountains. Despite it being the middle of summer, because of the high altitude, the tips of the mountains were still covered in this brightening white of snow.

''...can't continue this, Wil.''

The voices of Allanon and Wil beneath me brought my attention back down. I was so high up, the figures weren't that clear for me. But I realized who they were before seeing them.

''I'm sorry, but she meant a lot to me, Allanon. It's hard to forget someone instantly when you cared for them with your entire being.''

My heart dropped to my stomach.

They were talking about Amberle.

I got up a bit and started climbing to the tip of the branch, trying to still keep an eye on the two men as they went on with their conversation. It surprised me that they hadn't caught me yet. The branches were creaking a lot at the movement of my weight switching spots.

''Nobody knows that more than I do, Will, as I've lost people, too. But we can't stand still by it too long. You need to accept she's gone, and go forth. Isn't that what Amberle would've wanted?''

A tear fell down my cheek. It dripped down my chin and down onto the blonde man beneath me. The feeling of water on his hand caused him to look up, but I realized it quickly enough, making sure I was heading behind the roof of leaves.

His eyes raked over the tree before settling back down.

His undivided attention went back to Allanon, ''I'll try.''

Allanon nodded, ''Good. Now, have you gotten any idea where Y/N is? We need to treat her wounds before she's at risk of infection.''

Wil shook his head.

I was leaning back against the tree, waiting for their retreating footsteps till I climbed down. I scratched myself a few more times. My feet hit the ground and the first thing I noticed was the sound of rustling, followed by a looming shadow hovering over my body.

I spun around my heels, eyes slightly widened at the sight of Wil, ''Hi.''

''Hi.'' He smiled at me, arms crossed over his chest.

I looked back and forth between him, anxiety washing over me.

''Do you want something?''

''You tell me,'' he stepped closer, ''since you heard everything when you were right above us.''

I turned red, but pretended like it was the cold breeze, ''What? Pffft, no,'' he tilted his head, challenging me, ''what are you talking about?''

''Please. I know you better than that.''

I didn't say a thing and just made a run for it. Allanon was waiting for me anyway.

-

The minute Allanon was done, I stepped out of the hut and froze when I saw Wil waiting. Apparently our conversation wasn't embarrassing enough. His gaze fell on me, his feet bringing him closer to me.

The moment he was in a close proximity to me, I didn't think for another second and wrapped my arms around his neck.

His body stiffened but relaxed not that soon after.

''I miss her, too.''

His head dropped to my shoulders, his arms wrapping itself around my waist. I felt the tears on my shoulders and let him cry for a bit.

Soon, he composed himself again and pulled something out of his bag. It was a piece of my favorite fruit.

A smile covered on my face, ''Is... that for me?''

''Well, yeah,'' he glanced between me and the fruit in his extended hand, ''I thought it might sweeten the conversation we're about to have.''

''Oh? Will it be that awful?''

He shrugged, ''I don't think so, at least, not if it goes the way I want it to.''

I took the fruit, taking a bite and let him lead the way. He had found this quiet spot near the creek where he dragged this log to serve as our bench.

It felt romantic.

''Have a seat.''

His arms motioned for a spot and I thanked him, listening to him. He didn't stand there long after and sat down beside me, a silence wafting over us.

''You want a piece?'' I held it out.

His eyes met mine and nodded, taking a bite from the fruit in my hand. Some of the juice went down the corner of his mouth. A chuckle escaped my mouth.

''You'd think a man your age would be able to eat without spilling.'' His cheeks turned red at my comment, but I didn't notice as I ripped a piece from my shirt and gently patted it against the dripping juice.

The moment slowed down, the both of us just looking at each other.

His eyes met mine and they held them, in a sort of hypnotic way. My heart started pounding two times faster and the butterflies in my stomach went on a rampage at the sight of his gaze. He cleared his throat and the minute I heard it, I turned my head around.

''Here.'' He accepted the piece of ripped clothing with a silent thanks.

After a needed silence, I spoke up, ''What would you like to talk about?''

''Oh, uhm,'' he cleared his throat, turning to me, ''I would like to speak about... us?''

''Us?''

''Yeah. I know it's a bit sudden, and I don't really know if there really is an 'us', and if it's not, I would like there to be if you would want it, but don't feel obliged to ac-''

''There already was an us,'' I smiled shyly, eyes moving away from him, ''I think there was an us the second I met you. Do you remember? You were searching for me and Amberle at Aunt Pyria's-''

He started laughing, ''Yeah, it wasn't my finest moment.''

''Mine neither.''

The heaviness between us got a bit lighter, making it easier to face each other.

''With Amberle and the whole Ellcrys thing, it's been a lot. But she shared something that I thought we needed to talk about.''

I hummed, waiting for his response to clarify.

He grabbed my hands, ''Do you... feel something... for me?''

''Oh,'' I was surprised at the bluntness, ''uhm... y-yeah. I guess so.''

He sighed in relief, ''Good, otherwise this conversation was about to get real awkward real fast.''

I chuckled.

''You see, me and Amberle had a talk before that. We had some moments between us, but we both weren't willing to move on it. I don't have a clear idea on why she didn't want it, but I knew I didn't want to because there was someone else I had an eye on. I love you, Y/N.''

The shock kept me silent. The only thing between us was his soft pants, anticipating my reaction, and me blinking at him like I was stupid.

I shook my head, ''You don't have to say that because she spilled the beans about my feelings. I would accept it-''

''I really, really do love you, Y/N, and it doesn't have anything to do with me not wanting to hurt you. Sure, I don't want to do that, but I'm not willing to lead you on to spare you the pain. It's the whole truth. I care about you, and I want to be with you.''

He waited for my reaction.

I was speechless.

No words came to mind as I let his words sit and soak into my mind, making me jump in action. I leaned forward, pressing my lips against his briefly.

He was shocked as I pulled back with a smile, ''I love you, too, Wil.''

A smile came on his face and with one hand on my cheek, he leaned back towards me and pulled me into another kiss. This one coming from the both of us and a bit more passionate.

His lips were as soft as I always dreamt they were, but the kissing was way better than any of my hopes and dreams of it.

My lips moved in sync with his.

The minute we pulled away, his forehead connected against mine. The both of us were a panting mess, but we couldn't be happier.

''Hey, love birds,'' Allanon called with a grin, ''dinner's ready.''

We chuckled and nodded. I grabbed his hand when he wanted to pull me up, and with my hand in his we made our way.

Eretria was already eating up her portion, her eyes not leaving mine once as soon as she saw the hand-holding.

''What'd I miss?''

''I'll tell you later.'' I chuckled, Wil not leaving my side once.

-

-

-

Words: 1,7K

[raevenlywrites]

Ramble incoming

I know I'm not the only one who looks back on their youth and sees the hypocrisy. But now with some distance I can see that all those "only here for an MRS degree" chickies, we were not so different you and I. On a surface level and even a motivational level yeah, we had wildly different goals. But I could not put an ounce of focus on classes my first freshman year (yes I had two) bc 100% of my attention to was on my love life.

I was just thinking today how different that year might have been if smart phones had come along just a hair sooner. I missed classes specifically bc I felt so isolated from my friends that I prioritized staying at home on the laptop and chatting with them over AIM or Yahoo if they were around. I don't know if I would have paid any attention in class if I'd had messengers I could take on the fucking bus with me (phone plans still charged by the text back then), but at least I would have been in attendance.

But like, more than that, I knew on some level I was just going to school bc that's what you did. I had no interest or motivation in my gen eds bc I didn't see any path between taking this class and making enough money to live. The economy was already starting to seriously crash.

What I could see was how important figuring who my Person was would be. Whatever else time was gonna bring, I Needed the right person or persons by my side to make it through it. Not bc marriage was also just a thing you did, but bc I'd spent way too much time alone in my own head and I knew I needed an outside force to help balance the bullshit that is me

(in fact, one of my potential Persons breaking up with me included the phrase "you don't want to be in love you just want someone to help you with the burden of being you". Like yeah, I do. I want to help you with the burden of being you too, asshole, that's part of what love is)

I never have a tidy way to close these kinds of thoughts out (who does?) but I guess if I have a point it's that sometimes Queer is a verb. I queered the normative "went to college to find a husband" narrative even though on the surface it looked the same. And not just bc I wound up in same sex marriage (in fact we didn't even get married until we'd been together for over a decade) but bc the whole process was simply not the same. I wasn't checking off boxes, I wasn't looking for someone to complete me. I was putting my effort into the one area I felt could make a difference in my quality of life and wellbeing. School was the normative backdrop to a very queer metamorphosis going on inside me. On some level I knew I was arming myself with the people who would help support me on furthering my journey.

Without the support of my polyamorous triad, I wouldn't have had the strength and foundation and support to choose something other than the path that had been laid out before me. Without my mentor in kink, I wouldn't have developed the internal fortitude to be my own master. Without the unconditional love of my wife, I wouldn't have had the courage to explore my own gender and figure out how to shift the pieces around so I wasn't so miserable in my own skin. The people in my life have been so much more important to me than whatever education I missed out on by skipping class to hang out in AIM.

Could I be wildly successful and wealthy by now by that American Dream Bootstraps story by now if I buckled down and studied hard? Maybe, but most likely not. That dream is a lie and almost no one is actually a "self made man" - they all get help from networking. Well guess what? I was doing my own networking at the time, and Im rich in things money can't fucking buy.

Still wish I didn't have all that stupid student debt tho :/

[anjumbai]

Atomic Habits by James Clear: Thoughts

"The ultimate purpose of habits is to solve the problems of life with as little energy and effort as possible."

Overall Rating: 8.5/10

For a while now, I have lacked motivation on improving myself because it just seemed too damn hard to make changes in my life. But at one point, I have to face a mirror or two and unconsciously I take a look at myself and think "wow. you useless prick." and again, I muster up the motivation for change. To me, motivation is temporary, and I can barely pass two days without losing it. That being said, what if a book told you that you don't need motivation to get by in this tough journey of self-improvement, instead you just need a good system of habits that you will follow without turning up "sigma male motivation video," on YouTube?

Atomic Habits is definitely that book. Seriously, it isn't one of those mental strength and motivation-based books. While mental strength can get you a long way, motivation can't really do the same in my opinion. So, our author James Clear, suggests that you shouldn't have to muster up motivation every single day to get by a long day of self-improvement tasks. Like reading a book, studying, hitting the gym etc. No, he'll tell you to make these things easy by throwing all of these into a system. Making tiny changes to these habits so they become more obvious to you, easier to follow, attractive and rewarding- all at the same time.

The book is easy to follow and has a lot of practical elements to it. It focuses on giving you how to apply the laws of atomic habits to your daily life and create your own set of atomic habits, if that makes any sense. The book is really practical and that's what made me wanna write about it. But of course, in the end self-help books are useless if you are not applying them in your daily life. My advice wouldn't be to read the whole book at once and then try applying it to your life, but instead read 1 page every day and make small improvements to your daily habits. That's how I was able to build a whole set of habits that I am able to follow day to day now. I do get the occasional "I don't wanna do this crap" every now and then, but it works out when you remind yourself to not repeat it a second time. Have one bad day a week instead of having it twice in a row.

Not only does it help you build good habits, but it also helps you break bad ones. And that's why I'd recommend this book to everyone as I was able to break a few bad habits with the help of it while making quite a few good ones too. I'll attach the habit cheat sheet below if you don't wanna read the book but need to make good habits. But let me show you a practical effect the book had one me.

Practicality: I love reading books, but it has become more and more difficult to even read one page of literature now. But I realized that I need to make it a part of my habit, so I applied the laws of Atomic Habits to it. I know it sounds corny but hear me out. First of all, I made it obvious [Rule 1]: Every time I laid down after lunch, the book will be in my bed, and I'd read one page of it before I took my nap. Keeping the book anywhere else wouldn't work, because there'd be friction attached to it and I just would not wanna get up and get my book. So, I took away all the friction away from it. Then comes the part where I make it attractive [Rule 2]: I can tick the "Read a book" off of my habit tracker which gives the feeling of sticking to a routine and being on a streak. Also, I'll get to sleep after I read the book. Sounds pretty good to me. Now, I'll make it easy [Rule 3]: I've set my goal to just reading 1 page. No more than that. Because I first need to become the person who reads books daily instead of trying to rack in high number of pages and then not read any books for days. I first need to repeat the habit of just showing up, then I can improve on it. Despite that, sometimes you'll see yourself reading more than just one page or doing more than what you set yourself to do. Which is good but remember to just show up to follow your habits. That's all. And finally, I'll make it satisfying [Rule 4]: when I actually tick the task off my habit tracker. That alone makes it satisfying to me. I can just go to sleep after that as a reward.

This is basically how I applied atomic habits. I've applied it in multiple cases, and it works, it really does. For those of you who'll struggle even reading the book, my advice would be to keep the book in a noticeable position and just read 1 page every day. Don't make it difficult for yourself.

Overall, I really enjoyed this book, and it has helped me a lot. My next weakness is a lack of focus so I'm reading Deep Work by Cal Newport now. So far, it seems much harder to follow than Atomic Habits, but I think I'll get by cause I'm able to read it every day. Try this book out, I don't think you'll regret it.

The Habits Cheat Sheet:

[acefaun]

I love singing, that's why i asked you if you will choose flute or paint, ( i didn't had any alterior motives), until. 😁😈

Now i want to know , whom will you choose Tauxolouve or Huedhaut and why? And why would you not choose the other one?

Ooh singing! 🎶 That makes us music buddies!

But I knew it! AH-HA! I knew it! I’ve been mentally preparing myself for this moment…

...But I’m still not ready to pick between boyfriends. 🥲 I want both of them. 😓

Both Tauxolouve AND Huedhaut need me. 😞 Louie is a demigod who needs as much emotional support as he can get, he can't get that with those goddesses from the Heavens and Hue already closed his heart off before, picking his coworker over him would be the end!

They'd be so distraught if I picked one over the other. Louie would go back to his 1 woman a week thing and Hue would go back to encasing his heart in ice and refusing to let anyone in. 😖

But... Realistically, I met Huedhaut first, and you'd pick someone you've known longer, right? That's what I was thinking during the season 2 prologue angway. I was like "I'm going to die if they don't protect me. But... These six are doing it for some kind of reward. The six gods who sinned would protect me because they like me and would be upset to have me die." (I still think Leo would have been the best choice. He would've played with those dark gods like toys. The whole thing would have looked like a big cat playing with two mice.)

But Hue and Louie are the same rank... And Louie's a demigod while Hue only has half of his stars in his eyes so there's no choice of "Who's more powerful?"

And they're both in the Department of Wishes as well so I can't decide based on which department I'd rather work in...

...Maybe I'd choose Huedhaut? If I can't pick from power or department, then my choice is.... who's more likely to satisfy me? And I don't mean granting my wishes and stuff, clearly any of them could do that.

But Louie is a very vanilla guy and is definitely probably a switch. Meanwhile Huedhaut strikes me mostly as a dom. There's a minimal chance you'd be able to top this jerk. As I'm as laid-back as Aigonorus, we wouldn't be able to get anywhere if he weren't in control of the situation. Imagine that I'm like Aigo, but I like to poke people with a stick until I get a reaction out of them. (I'd make a good King of the Heavens.)

And Lou doesn't strike me as the type to have a punishment ready if you try to mess with him. I can only imagine that trying to piss him off would lead to his submissive side coming out like "Awe, MC, you wanted to embarrass me in front of those guys? I didn't know you were trying to seduce me." And he's ready for you to top him, show him no mercy. Or show him as much mercy as you want, what ever your top-style is.

Meanwhile Huedhaut's already aware of your plans to piss him off before even you're aware of it. So he's already there being the dominant top that he is, fully prepared to tease you to his hearts content. He's not satisfied until you can't even THINK about messing with him in front of the other gods.

So.... Is that a good reason to pick Huedhaut? If not, I can say Huedhaut is taller than Lou by an inch. ✨ A tall man is a tall man. As their human, I demand to be physically looked down upon. Angle his head upward slightly, his gaze piercing down with narrowed eyes. You can't tell if he's looking at you with lust or disdain, but he is looking at you.

Hue would also have a library of books for me to peruse through~ I could learn the secrets of the universe. 👀 Hue's room is also cold, so, a perfect place for cuddling in a pile of blankets and falling asleep.

But Lou's room is... boring. The only interesting thing in Lou's room is me. Maybe if Lou were a centaur.......................... That should be his god form. Straight up. No questions asked. CENTAUR.

If Lou were a centaur he'd be WAY tall. 💕 He'd be able to take me on majestic horseback rides through the Heavens.

But until Lou becomes a centaur, I'm going to keep Huedhaut. 🥰 My water-bearer. He does exactly as his Zodiac dictates. And through much deliberation and reasoning, my choice is made.

AQUARIUS WINS! ♒️

[elijahkelly]

9/18/2023

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. But before I get into that, I need to do a brief update of everything that has happened in the last ~month since I posted on here last.

We passed one month since Brennan died last week. It has gotten easier, but I don't go a day without thinking about him. Today the school did a student suicide statistics display in the drill field, where they laid a backpack out for every student who has committed suicide within some timespan. They do the demonstration every year, but it never hit as hard to me as it did today.

My food poisoning graduated into a long-term gastrointestinal issue. I was getting intense nausea randomly, throwing up, the whole nine yards. I was losing motivation, my mental health was declining (not to mention I couldn't keep my Prozac down so I was essentially being forced to quit cold turkey until I felt better). It was miserable and the closest I ever got to suicidal thoughts in a long long time. The campus doctor told me it could be Hep A, but after some testing they thankfully concluded that it wasn't. The issue lies in the fact that they found NOTHING wrong with me. So that remains a mystery to this day.

I have been having internal conflicts regarding where I stand with my friends, particularly Trent and Ozzy. It is no secret that they have quickly become my best friends, but I find myself having insecurities about the possibility of them liking each other more than they like me. I shouldn't care, because the fact remains that they love me and I love them and we all love each other, but I can't help but pick up on things between them that allude to them being closer to each other than I am to either of them. A small part of me thinks that they are on the verge of or secretly engaged in a relationship of some kind, which is wonderful, but if that is the case then why wouldn't they tell me? In all truthfulness, I think I would be a little bothered if they started dating. I understand why I shouldn't be bothered, because frankly its none of my business, but I feel like there would be that irrepressible feeling of resentment towards the two of them if that were to happen. Jealousy maybe? Not at their relationship as it exists romantically, because I have Dylan, but at the fact that their relationship is able to reach a level that I can never reach with them? I'm not sure, and to be honest trying to verbalize it is really confusing. All I know is I have some messed up biz going on that I need to figure out. I need to start utilizing the free counseling that my university offers because damn talk about emotional baggage.

I found the engagement ring. Well, let me be more specific. I found the box for the engagement ring. I didn't touch it or open it. That much I refuse to do. But I know where it is. I know it exists. I know Dylan has a plan. Holy shit. It doesn't feel real.

Anyways that's been the main stuff. If I remember anything I'll throw it in or mention it later. Now on to what I was saying earlier about death.

It feels like I have been bombarded by a series of ridiculous and difficult issues the last few months. Brennan's death, knocking my side mirror off my car, conflicts within my organization, my stomach issues, my mental health drastically declining, the list goes on and on. One thing just keeps coming up, though, and that's death.

Brennan's death was sorta a catalyst for all of this. I have never been struck more heavily by the uncertainty of life than his death. I haven't been able to go a day without paranoia that something's going to do me in at any given moment. To the extent that I have been planning my last rites. I worry that I'm going to die with nothing laid out for my people to follow.

I don't have as much privacy as I would like to be writing this.

Bye for now.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi! Do you have any tips on how to get out of a Si grip + 7 disintegrating to 1?

I'm an entp going through a very stressful time due to exams and I feel like my mindset shifted so drastically that I can't enjoy anything right now. I'm a very laid back person, I try to get the best out of everything (due to 7 + Ne combo), but I've been put into too many situations where there's too much to absorb, and now I'm angry at myself for not being productive enough, not paying enough attention to what I should be paying, which lead to an impossible perfectionism, some standard within myself that I'm holding very very high. I feel like if I fail this, I will fail everything else. I can't see the good side of the situation, and I feel drained. It's so bad that I can't eat properly or sleep anymore. As you are a Ne dom yourself, do you have any tips on how to move on from this?

Prioritize your health habits first, and see if you can settle things down in that regard (eat at specific times, eat things that are good for you, go to bed at the same time every night so your body learns to form a sleep habit, get some exercise to clear your head, etc).

Angry at myself for not being productive enough -- I know the feeling and I deal with this on a daily basis, so I feel your pain. :P

Something that might help you is a passage I just read in a book about productivity -- that the more you FORCE yourself to do something for a long time (past your creative limit), the worse your output. For example, let's say that you can write really excellent material for two hours, whether for pleasure or an essay. But you push yourself, and write for four or five hours. Most of what you wrote is probably crap, because you pushed yourself hard to 'get it done' instead of going into it fresh. You need to learn to set goals -- I will do no less than X, but no more than Y, and stay within them. Quitting before you are exhausted leaves your brain creative room to go back into the project next time with enthusiasm, rather than you waking up tomorrow morning feeling exhausted and burned out, from having used up way too many of your mental resources.

Set yourself reasonable goals, and then... remind yourself that if you burn out, you can't get ANYTHING done / your work will be crap, which will give you permission to walk away from it.

I also want you to think about perfectionism. Really think about it. Can perfect exist? No, because perfect is subjective. What is perfect to one person, isn't to somebody else. Perfect is an invisible standard that you can never achieve. And here's another hot tip: striving for perfection means wasting your mental resources and time. If you could work 300 more hours on a project, and have it be only 10% better... is that worth your time and energy, if it's 80% good? Nope. You need to think rationally about seeking the unattainable being stupid and wasteful, and that will make you feel less pressured to aim for a bar that doesn't even exist.

If you are drained, you need to rest. Period. When are your exams over? How do you re-ignite 7? Start thinking about doing fun things once you are free of your exams. What are you going to do to celebrate all of this hard work? Buy that book you've been dying to read? Go see that movie you want to see? Eat at that restaurant you love? Have a date with that friend you haven't seen in weeks? I used to motivate myself through hard things by putting something I loved or wanted on the other side of them. ;)

[scoups4lyfe]

if you can't liveblog then it's fine that you can't!

AWWWWW

*BRO*

(♡μ_μ).

Ngl while my sis's cancer diagnosis is like surreal as sh*t, right now everything is looking REALLY good. (I'll expand on this in SS-anon's ask that I see out of the corner of my eye <33)

Some hearts for y'all beloved homie(s):

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

But damn I'm sorry y'all. Like yeah I'm always a lying liar that lies when I say things like "Gonna liveblog tonight" [3 days no word] LOL.

See I have a multi-layered problem that consumes my time faster than GIff consuming Squid.

Yeah, life (lol). But for me it's a mix of my ADHD fking me up sideways and a little to the right.

I always feel like things would flow much smoother if I was more transparent and just live-blogged every now and again what I'm doing like "LoL at work yee YEE". Cuz then at least you'd get a feel for what exactly I'm doing instead of like the three days of silence.

(Three being a metaphorical representation of any number to infinity)

But why it takes me so long boils down to three things (for myself and productivity) ---

(1) Time Blindness (this one ALWAYS gets me LOL)

you would not believE how fast a day can go for me. Like these weeks have been flying by so quick I feel like I'm drownin (rip)

(2) The clock and expectation mixing together gives me an unfortunate bout of anxiety.

Like I rlly love and appreciate every1 that follows and enjoys and engages with my liveblogs lol. It's really such a highlight being able to share my thoughts and just go fan-crazy with other ppl who *GET* it, y'know? And it is also SUCH a motivator.

But tumblr's media limit shot me with adrenaline. Where (with my time blindness lmao rip) I always feel like I'm in a race against the clock to post as much as I can before it hits midnight (and everything resets)

So if its like 10pm the amount of anxiety spikes that shoot through me if I even glance at the clock and put any care on time is like insane actually. I guess "adrenaline" is more correct than anxiety, but it def has an anxious edge to it.

And I don't really care about anxiety cause I'm not an anxious person. A lot of people actually call me too laid back /lackadaisical.

But the problem is that if I get these spikes they almost immediately send me into a mixed state.

(Lol no idea if y'all even kno what that is so:)

And if I get into a mixed state oooooooooo. Well lets just say those are the times where I have the tumblr tab open along with like 20 other tabs, and then I proceed to spend 42-75 hours without sleep obsessed over something random and unimportant.

(last week I was looking at BJD --hAH. That I can't even afford smh. WHY. And I did this for at least 42 hours without sleep. ).

....This post is getting too long so:

TLDR;

I work a job but since I'm a writer (in my own time), I need to write/edit, and also I need to practice drawing -- And these can take up an incredibly long amount of time if I don't set alarms LOL.

Then combine that with ADHD, and bi-polar episodes and WOO. We are truly partying >:)). And THEN combine that with life responsibilities and things like my physical health issues --directly relating to food allergies, which are always ready to duke it out with me in the yard.

(Below is a journal entry from when I was in a mixed episode)

(If I don't seriously monitor when I last ate and how much I ate my blood sugar drops and I get brain fog that makes it literally impossible for me to think or retain anything in my mind past 5 seconds.)

[one-boring-person]

Just A Babysitter. (Part One)

The Lost Boys x reader

Warnings: alcohol use

Context: (Y/n) lives/is close friends with the boys, and will do almost anything for them as she sees them as a family. However, since Star and Laddie joined the coven, she's felt a little distanced from them. (I say that the reader is female, but I'm pretty sure there is no explicit reference to gender that isn't easily overlooked, so it can apply to other readers, too.)

A/N: This started as a oneshot, but has now become a story of sorts, so I'll post it in parts. :))

Part Two , Part Three , Part Four , Part Five , Part Six , Part Seven , Part Eight

Irritation courses through me as Star drags me into the crowd of writhing bodies, the half-vampire laughing happily to both herself and Laddie, who is being pulled around by the hand, wincing when some greasy rocker tries to come closer to me even after only being there for two seconds, my elbow landing a hefty thump into his abdomen in order to get rid of him. The music is loud in my ears, though it isn't unpleasant at all, the heavy saxophone-laced rhythm lightening my mood a little as I start to move in time with it, keeping an eye on my two wards, especially Laddie, who has a tendency to run off. For a few minutes, we continue to enjoy the music before I feel her tense up beside me, someone having caught her rapt attention.

Looking over, I follow her line of sight to a brunette I don't recognise, the guy staring at her without abandon, even when who I presume to be his younger brother slaps his cheek. Instantly, I get a bad feeling about him, not trusting the way he eyes the girl beside me, no matter how endearing she may find it. I have the feeling she will try to lure him away from the crowd and make him her first kill; my hunch only confirmed when she passes Laddie off onto me and ducks out of the throng of dancers, leaving me to pick up her pieces again. Growling to myself, I swiftly lift the youngster onto my shoulders, putting on a false grin when he squeals in excitement, giving him some excuse about finding him some sweets back on the Boardwalk to get him to come willingly.

"Where'd Star go?" Laddie questions me, voice barely audible over the throbbing music.

"I don't know. Wanna go find her?" I respond, squeezing his legs gently when he assents, holding onto my head so he can steady himself. Ignoring the gradually building ache in my back, I follow the direction Star walked off into, giving the boy on my shoulders the strict instructions to keep an eye out for the half-vampire, offering him a chocolate bar as a reward.

Carefully, we make our way onto the Boardwalk, avoiding some of the more rowdy surfers and party-goers, my focus set on finding Star amongst the people lining the roads. It doesn't take me long, though I let Laddie point her out to me, allowing him the small burst of pride that likely accompanies the achievement, no matter how small it is. Heading over to her, I reach into my pocket and pass the boy the chocolate bar I always keep on me, smiling when he giggles in satisfaction, the sound of the wrapper being torn open quickly coming from above me.

"Hey Star. Find what you were looking for?" I greet, giving her a suggestive look when she acknowledges me, though it is obvious that she is still distracted.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I did." She replies, turning to walk away again, silently demanding that I follow her, knowing I can't disobey David's strict rules from before.

"Look! There's Dwayne and David! And Marko and Paul!" Laddie points out after a few minutes of navigating the heaving crowd, gesturing to the right to show us where he means, waving at the coven of vampires as we turn to approach them, my shoulders screaming for relief. Moments later, we break through the people blocking our view of them, greeting the laid-back vampires accordingly.

"Having fun?" Paul questions me in particular, knowing full well I hate having to watch over the irritating half-vampire, his voice teasing as he sends me a pointed look.

"Oh, tonnes." I respond dryly, letting Laddie down as Star climbs onto David's bike with him, wrapping her arms around his waist and looking at me with a small smirk on her face, the gesture inciting a pang of jealousy within me, before she glances off to the side, David following her gaze. Doing the same, I suppress the urge to roll my eyes as I recognise the brunette from earlier, instead focusing on helping Laddie onto Dwayne's motorbike, telling him to hold on tight. In response to this, Laddie smiles at me, Dwayne doing the same as he kicks his bike into gear, thankful that I did the job none of them wanted to do.

"Lets go, boys." David announces, looking at me expectantly, even though the term "boys" does not (necessarily) apply to me.

"I'll catch up." I mutter, before turning away and disappearing into the crowd, aiming for the bar at the edge of the Boardwalk, sighing as I hear the tell tale roaring of the motorcycle engines retreating over the cheerful music lingering in the air.

On my own, I manage to cut a path through the mass of people with decent success, quickly reaching my destination without any difficulty. Pushing open the door, I enter the dusky bar and head over to the counter, signalling for the bartender to take my order. By now, they all know my usual and will just prepare it for me without me having to ask, the tumbler of whiskey swiftly appearing before me, though I stop the blonde girl from leaving as she turns away.

"Leave the bottle, please." I request, pulling out enough money to pay for it from my jacket pocket, handing it to her in exchange for the large bottle of strong whiskey she places on the counter. Thanking her, I swill the liquid in my glass around for a few seconds, taking a drink when I'm satisfied with it, relishing in the burn that accompanies the flow of alcohol down my throat - none of them question my age anymore, not after the boys had a word with them.

I repeat this motion until the glass is empty, choosing to focus on that rather than the reality I face when I get home, back to the boys and their new half-vampire "friends". It shouldn't bother me, I know they all care for me and do their best to show me this, but something about Star and Laddie's sudden entrance to our way of life seems to make them forget this, most of my old friends' attention now lingering on them, rather than on me, like it used to. A bitter chuckle leaves me inadvertently as I think this, mentally calling myself selfish and pushing that last part down into the depths of my mind, knowing that I've had my fair share of attention from them in the past four or five years. I slam the glass on the table as the last of the amber liquid runs down my throat, shaking my head to snap myself out of my thoughts before heaving myself to my feet and walking out, taking the bottle of whiskey with me.

Upon leaving, I swiftly find my bike on the near-deserted Boardwalk, climbing onto it, only to take a moment to take a drink from the bottle in my hand, wincing as the strong alcohol burns its way down into my stomach. As I lower it, I notice a familiar brunette walking over to me, a curious expression on his face as he watches mine become one of confusion; it's not often that an interest of Star's wants to speak with me.

"Hey, can I help you?" I greet him as he finally arrives, looking him up and down a little to gauge his motive for approaching me.

"Err, yeah, I was just wondering where your friend is." The guy explains to me, frowning when I forget to disguise my eyeroll.

"Star? She isn't my friend." I correct him, not too willing to go into specifics with him.

"Star, huh? Nice name." He murmurs, almost to himself as if I'm not right there.

"If you like that kinda thing." I shrug dismissively, taking another drink from the bottle before offering it to him, giving him a small smirk when he accepts.

"Thanks," He says, returning the bottle to me as he continues, "You two aren't friends? You seemed pretty close earlier. You, her and those weird guys."

"Weird guys? Don't say that to their faces." I chuckle, grinning widely at him as he laughs in response, "I'm not close with Star, but the guys are my family, so I guess we're pretty close."

"Family? Like brothers or something?"

"Family in the non-biological sense of the word. They helped me through some tough times." I affirm, once again trying to avoid telling him the truth.

"Right. Well, do you know where they went?" The brunette questions me again, giving me another hopeful look.

"No, they never tell me anything anymore." I reply bitterly, even if the words are only half true, drinking again despite having to drive in a few minutes. What's life without a little risk, eh?

"I thought you said they were like your family?" He frowns at me again, believing that I'm holding something from him, which is entirely true.

"Yeah, but not even a family is completely truthful with one another." I remind him, deciding a stronger warning is needed, "Take it from me, of all the people you can hang with in this town, they should not be your first choice."

Yet more confusion etches itself onto his face at my words, going to say something before I cut him off.

"What's your name, by the way? I can pass it on to Star if I see her again tonight." I promise, though it is likely they will see each other again tomorrow, so there's not much point on my behalf.

"Oh, I'm Michael, or Mike for short." He informs me, smiling again as I reach out to shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Mike. I'm (Y/n)."

"Nice talking to you, (Y/n). Thanks for the advice."

"No problem." I laugh, looking at my watch briefly as I try to figure out the time, "Damn, I'd better get going, or the boys'll have my ass for breakfast."

Amused by my "figure of speech", Michael quickly says his goodbyes as I kick the bike into life, relishing in the feeling of the engine purring beneath me. Stashing the bottle in the compartment under the seat, I rev the motorcycle a little before applying he throttle, a delirious whoop of exhilaration escaping me as I charge off the Boardwalk and onto the most direct road to Hudson's Bluff, ignoring the angry protests of the civilians around me, concentrating on getting myself home instead.

Part Two

[spxllcxstxr]

⛵ Congrats on hitting 100!!! I'm actually surprised you didn't hit it earlier. I'm a fan of your writing and I can't wait to see your future works!!!

I would like a ship with a girl, in whatever era because I'm can't decide for the life of me. My pronouns are she/they. And all I'm gonna say is that I'm short. 4'11 to be exact

I prefer being indoors rather than going out and socialize. I also prefer talking online rather than in real life. Every single person I've met say that I'm intimidating, but then became the most talkative one. I'm also the therapist friend and I love giving advices but I hate listening to other people's advices. I guess you could say that I'm a perfectionist and I'm a bit too hard on myself.

I love reading books, mostly fantasy ones also movies under like magick and fantasy is also top tier for me. I also love psychology and watching true crime shows. I absolutely despise Math. My friends also often tell me I'm a "Jack of all trades, Master of none" I also love cooking and baking. I sleep alot as well. Oh! I also love stargazing. I prefer men's clothing rather than women's too

I don't really know what my House is because it changes so much. I've taken the test thrice because of my trust issues and I've gotten Slytherin first, then Hufflepuff then Ravenclaw. I have a hellhound as a patronus and my wand is made of english oak wood with a phoenix feather core, 12 ¾" and slightly springy flexibility. And my top 3 spells are Petrificus Totalus, Lumos/Nox and Crucio

I hope this wasn't too long! Thank you in advance and Congratulations again!!!

Anon, you are so sweet, I love you very much. Thank you ❤️🥺Also, I totally feel not being able to pick an era, everyone is so damn attractive— Ship is under the cut ❤️❤️

I ship you with: Lily Evans

Lily thinks you’re absolutely adorable and is infatuated with you

Now, I picture Lily maybe about a little less than a foot taller than you

She absolutely loves your height

Lily loves giving you her clothes, especially her jumpers, and watching them consume your entire being

She honestly can’t resist you

You could just be sitting staring off into space with one of her white jumpers on, and she’ll just pull you into her arms

“Darling, you look absolutely gorgeous wearing my clothes!”

She also loves that you’re the perfect height for her to just rest her head on top of yours while hugging you

Lily loves just looking down and giving you forehead kisses

OH

You know when someone runs and jumps into someone’s arms and they pick them up and twirl them around and kiss?

That

But with you and Lily

You’ll be running out of class and in the middle of the corridor or the courtyard you’ll just do that

You’ll both squeal in delight and laugh when she puts you down

Hope you don’t mind that Lily is big in kissing

It’s ok if you don’t like PDA

She can do it more privately

But like I said she just loves kissing every inch of you

Lily totally understands that you like staying indoors

She loves staying just inside the castle, maybe going on walks through the corridors or sneaking into the kitchens

Dates in the dorm!!!

Just maybe putting on some soft music

A good book

Maybe it’s raining and you listen to the raindrops on the window

Cuddling near the fire in the common room

Cuddling in your beds

Little “I love you”s coming underneath mountains of blankets

You two never get bored

There’s endless fun in a magical castle

As much as she knows you love giving advice

She always makes sure that you’re ok

That nothings getting to you, if that makes sense

She’s always here to listen to you, she knows all about the stresses that come with being the therapist friend

Lily is such a joyful presence

When you’re being too hard on yourself she knows just the thing to help

She can go from let’s go have some fun to let’s just sit and enjoy each other’s company in a heartbeat

Communication is key

She will never pressure you to do anything

She loves you too much

LILY LOVES READING

You guys start a little book club

Sometimes you’ll read out loud to each other

BOOK DISCUSSIONS

BOOK RANTS

Lily loves how passionate you get about reading

She loves how lost you get in the plot and the realm

Cute meetups in the library

In the corner so she can sneak little kisses while the two of you read

There’s gotta be wizard true crime, right?

That’s gotta be fun

Lily would be so into that

Just hearing you piece together a case

And ramble on about a killers motive

She has no clue why it’s so fascinating to her

(It might be because you’re so interested in it and she loves hearing you talk)

“And then what happened, darling?”

Don’t worry about math

Lily knows math

Lily is oddly great at math and no one really knows why

So don’t worry about like taxes

Lily would love to cook and bake things with you

She’ll take you down to the kitchens

And ask the house-elves to give you recipes and ingredients

And you’ll just spend the day making whatever you want

You might have a flour fight

No

You’ll totally have a flour fight

You like sleeping?

Well it’s a good thing Lily loves it when you use her as a pillow

You can fall asleep on her in any position and she’ll just run her hands through your hair or just rub her thumb over your cheek

She’ll hum

Forehead kissing of course even while you’re asleep

She’ll take naps with you too

“You’re so cute when you’re sleepy, love.”

Show Lily the stars

Please show her the starts and point them out

“It’s so pretty” you’ll tell her, looking up at the sky

“Yeah.” She’ll respond, looking at you, however, not the stars up above. “It is.”

Cheesy, I know

But she’s so in love with you

She’ll call you her star

“My star, you look so bright today”

Lily will adore shopping with you

She totally gets why you prefer masculine clothing

Please let her pick out some outfits

You can pick out some for her too

Make it like a little date

Also, a hellhound as your Patronus. That’s so cool

Lily is totally jealous of your hellhound

The memory she uses to conjure up her Patronus is the one where the two of you built a blanket fort in the dorm room

And you brought snacks up from the kitchens

And just laid there

Talking about everything and nothing

She looked into your eyes and saw a future together

(The celebration is over by the way) :)

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes

Your POV

I was in the town near Trost district, drinking a cup of tea when I heard the cannon fire. The squad with Mikasa returned but I didnt see Mikasa, Armin and Eren around. I was getting a bit worried about it. Since I didn't have any gas in my 3DMG, I couldn't get on roofs to see what's going on like everyone else. I figured that I'll find out later about the cannon fire and the unusual amount of steam.

And I did find out the source of the steam. I was standing below the wall with other cadets from my class when Commander Pixis declared that Eren can shift into a titan. It was a ridiculous thing to say, but it explained the steam and the suicidal plan that commandet Pixis was talking about. The commander didn't have any reason to lie to be honest but Eren being able to become a titan? That just seemed impossible. There were a lot of soldiers protesting against this but Commander Pixis was able to shut them up with a motivational speech. After a while, I was called on the top of the wall, to join the elite squad that would protect Eren. Mikasa was there too. The plan was to run on the wall and get closer to the boulder that laid in the middle of the city and make Eren transform and take the boulder to plug the hole in the wall. "Oi Mikasa, what exactly can Eren do? I mean, what commander Pixis told us was too far fetched." I asked Mikasa as I was running beside her. The other squad members were having a conversation with Eren about how everyone is depending on him. "He can form a body of a titan on his own and control it. He saved me twice already." Mikasa answered. "You must be thrilled" I told her with a smirk. Mikasa had this crush on Eren for ages and anyone with eyes could see that. Everyone except Eren that is. "Shut up (Y/N)" Mikasa mumbled with a small blush.

When we reached the closest route to the boulder, we switched to 3DMG. While the squad and myself landed on a roof of a building, Eren bit his hand and suddenly, there was a huge thunder bolt and this huge 15 meter class titan that appeared out of nowhere and looked disturbingly like Eren. To our surprise, that titan threw a punch at Mikasa. Mikasa flew on top of the titan's face trying to talk sense into it. "Mikasa! Get off him! He's not in control!" I shouted at her just before the titan threw a blow at Mikasa, that Mikasa barely dodged, thus knocking itself out. Rico from our squad fired a smoke signal for the failed plan. After a small argument with Mikasa throwing dirty looks at everyone who tried to abandon Eren and thus that titan, squad Leader Ian decided that Mikasa and I would be standing guard to protect Eren while the others will be keeping the titans approaching us at bay. "This is a mess. You said he can control this." I muttered to Mikasa. "Trust me, he did control it. It's probably because he is tired..." Mikasa sighed, looking at the unconscious titan. "How exactly did Eren get out of this thing?" I asked Mikasa with curiosity. "He got out of the nape." Mikasa shortly answered, her worried eyes still on Eren.

Wasn't it possible to cut him out of the nape? Just as the thought came to my mind, I saw a titan coming towards us, ignoring the squad. Were they attracted to Eren? "Mikasa, get that titan. I'll be near Eren." I told her as she ran off to kill the titan. Just as Mikasa slit the nape of that titan, I saw Armin flying towards us. "(Y/N)! What happened to the plan? What's wrong with Eren?" he asked. "The plan failed. Eren can't control this thing. We need to get him out of here as soon as possible. You were there when Eren got out of the titan. Is it possible to cut him out of the nape?" I asked Armin firmly. "I don't know about that but I can try to get him into control!" Armin shouted as he got on Eren's back. "Armin! It's dangerous!Get away from there!" Mikasa shouted at Armin as she got closer to us. "I tried talking to it, but got no reaction. It doesn't matter who does! It's pointless!" Mikasa continued. "Maybe it's because Eren can't listen to us! Cutting him out will be too risky but if I stab him at the right place and create an opening for him to listen through..." Armin shouted at us. "Strike from the back of the head to the nape of the neck... One meter length wise, ten centimetres across" Armin made a calculation in his head before shouting out, "(Y/N)! Mikasa! Protect this area from titans I'll get Eren out of here!" as he used his 3DMG to hook himself to Eren's titan. I understood his plan and didn't question him and thus, followed his instructions and flew over to the squad who were fighting the hoard of about 15 titans coming towards Eren. Mikasa wasn't following me yet.

The squad was getting pummelled just before I reached, saving a squad member who got caught by a titan. My blades were wearing off quickly as I didn't get a change of blades after the evacuation. Apparantly there was a shortage of blades as all soldiers were fighting, most of them acting as baits to keep the titans near the wall. They were given blades too for self defence incase a titan caught them. I took down 6 more titans with the assistance of the squad and thus, I was left with my last set of good blades. My gas tank was less than half filled and just before I decided to retreat, I heard a huge roar. I looked back and saw Eren's titan stand and carry the boulder. However, 5 titans were already coming from the gap in the wall. This looked bad, given that I had only one set of blades, not enough gas and there weren't any buildings to use 3DMG efficiently near the wall. However, that didn't stop me from flying towards Mikasa and Armin, who were near Eren. "The weakling really did it" I thought because I didn't expect Armin to make any contribution, given that he always had to rely on his friends. I respected his knowledge but I didn't like how he never had any confidence in himself.

I tried to use as less gas as possible to get near them, running on buildings most of the time. Squad leader Ian followed me and ordered Mikasa, myself and Armin to protect Eren at all costs. Without any doubt, Mikasa and I were the most skilled people in this squad. Mikasa was gifted with talent while I trained for much longer than they did and with the commander of the survey corps, who knew exactly how hard the training should get. The Garrison soldiers simply lacked the talent and training as they weren't expected to fight titans. They were much better at using cannons though. As we ran out of buildings, we started running infront of Eren. Mitabi squad was trying to distract the titans and our squad soon followed. Still, two of the titans avoided them and walked towards us. "Mikasa! Armin! I'll take care of them! Don't leave Eren's side!" I shouted at them before running towards the titans. I had absolutely no experience in fighting titans without using any buildings to use 3DMG but I knew that I had to give my absolute best. I ran around the two 13 meter classes and shot the hook of my 3DMG at one of their legs and then to its right arms to fly up and kill the second titan. However, I suddenly found myself in the bone crushing grasp of the first titan. These all seemed too familiar, the tight grab, the blood, the smug smiles... I used one blade to cut through it's hand thus breaking the blade and shot the hook of my 3DMG at the eye of that titan. Again... So familiar... The pressure of the 3DMG shot me up in the air as I shot the hook at its nape and using the last blade to cut it's nape, thus spending all my blades.

I ran towards Mikasa and Armin, who were very close to the wall, avoiding every other titan who were eating our comrades. Is that how it looked like when my parents were killed? My mind started making up painful images of them being devoured but I shook them off my mind. It wasn't the time to think. Just as I reached them, Armin shouted out "GO EREN!" and Eren plugged the hole. It was over. We just retook Trost district. Rico shot a smoke signal for the mission being successful. Armin immediately went on top of Eren's titan to get him out. Reinforcements would be sent soon but there wasn't much time as two titans were already approaching us and I was useless for now. Mikasa and Rico went up to aid Armin and I followed them to see Eren's hand turned into flesh and stuck to the titan. "We'll have to cut him out." Rico stated before cutting off the flesh, not listening to Mikasa's protests. Armin fell down the impact and I noticed that the titans were already upon us. Mikasa still had good blades but she wasn't fast enough... I had to make a gamble as Uncle Erwin always put it. I flew up and hooked my 3DMG to one of the titan's forehead and tried to make a clean cut on the nape but my blade broke midway and I almost fell but managed to use my 3DMG to land safely beside Armin. Suddenly, I saw what seemed like a blur moving in circular motions and the two titans fell flat infront of us. That for sure wasn't Mikasa. Mikasa landed beside me just a moment later and I saw this figure with the wings of freedom on his back standing on top of one of the titan's head. "Oi, brats. What's the situation here?" he said as he turned towards us and I saw Levi for the first time after 8 years.

A few days later

I was sitting at the mess hall with Mikasa and Armin. They had imprisoned Eren after the retake of Trost. Apparantly the military police were behind it. I personally never liked them as they were against me during my trial and now, they were working against one of the few friends I had. "Armin Arlet! Mikasa Ackerman! (Y/N) (L/N)!" a military police soldier called us. "Hai!" the three of us shouted, standing up. "You all are called at the trial as witnesses." he told us asking us to follow him. We were told that Eren's trial will take place right now and Armin predicted that they probably would decide whether Eren should live or die. I knew he was right because I personally saw how unpredictable Eren's powers are. However, that might be the only chance humanity has against titans. We followed the military police soldier to the enormous courtroom and waited in our designated places. I noticed that Levi was there beside uncle Erwin. Both uncle Erwin and commander Nile Dok of the military police stated their intentions with Eren. The judge, supreme commander Darius Zackly then asked Eren if he could continue to contribute to mankind. Eren, ofcourse said that he can but that's where things went south.

"Is that so? This is from the report on the recovery mission. Right after becoming a titan, you swung your fist three times at Mikasa Ackerman" the supreme commander read from a paper. Mikasa threw a dirty look at Rico who said, "What was I supposed to do? Lie in the report? Covering the truth won't do humanity any good" Rico answered. The Supreme commander then called Mikasa and asked for verification. Even if she hesitated, Rico encouraged her to tell the truth and thus Mikasa told the truth. "But, two times before that, Eren saved my life in his titan form..." Mikasa started mentioning the times Eren saved her. "I wonder, everything that you just said is in the report, but wishful thinking has severely clouded your views reducing their objective value in my judgement. I know why you are taking Eren's side. While investigating Eren's background, I came across a record of an incident from 6 years ago. Astonishingly, when these two were 9 year old, they stabbed three adult robbers to death. After interviewing a few cadets from the 104 trainee corps, I also came to know that Eren finds himself around some very questionable people, one of them being (Y/N) (L/N), who seems to be around Eren Jaegar and Mikasa Ackerman a lot. (Y/N) (L/N) also has a criminal record against her, as she stabbed a Garrison soldier to death at the age of 7, much younger than the incident with Eren Jaegar and Mikasa Ackerman. Their actions are understandable, it was legitimate self defence..." the commander of the military police brigade continued but I stopped listening.

When he finished, people in the court started calling Mikasa and myself titan shifters too. "Commander Nile?" I found my voice calling out to him, acting on its own. Everyone was silenced by the murderous glint in my eyes. "Do you have a daughter?" my voice kept betraying me. I shouldn't be talking. "Yes. What's your point?" he asked. "Then why don't you..." I trailed off as I found Armin's hand on my shoulder, his eyes begging me to stop. "I'm sorry for interrupting." I controlled my urge to speak up. The murmurs of accusations increased after my stupid stunt and that's when Eren lost control and started shouting about how retarded everyone in the court was to think that we were bad people. Armin looked more uncomfortable than ever as both of us knew that Eren and I messed up badly. Just then, I saw Levi get up from his seat and go towards Eren only to land a kick on him. Mikasa got furious at the scene and tried to go save Eren but Armin stopped her. I knew why Armin stopped her because all Levi had to do now was to show the court that he can control Eren. "This is just my opinion, but I've found pain the most effective punishment. The lesson you need to learn right now can't be taught with words, only with action. And you're kneeling which makes you easy to kick." He said in a monotoned voice.

This went on for a while till he showed clearly that he can control Eren. "Someone as skilled as the captain would be able to deal with Eren even in the worst case scenerio." Uncle Erwin explained to the supreme commander. "I see. Can you do it, Levi?" the supreme commander asked Levi. "If you mean killing him, it's no problem. Rather, the problem is, there's no half matters." Levi answered before looking directly at me. "And about that brat, I was planning to take her in my squad anyway since she had good feedback from Shadis, but, if she gets that big mouth of hers open again, I won't hesitate to send her with Jaegar.". Seems like he doesn't remember me. I didn't expect him to because he didn't even know my name back then. He only saw me occasionally at Uncle Erwin's office, reading books on a chair. I didn't question his authority though, as I did mess up.

A few more days later

We joined the Survey corps. Eren was already there and Mikasa couldn't wait to see him. That girl definitely likes Eren no matter how much she denies it and no one is convincing me otherwise. We were choosing our horses when I was called to Uncle Erwin's office. As I entered the office, he said "So, I see you have joined the Survey Corps. Your parents would've been proud of you". " I know Commander Erwin. Your training helped me a lot during the combat stimulated graduation test." I replied. "(Y/N), you don't have to call me command. Just uncle Erwin would do. Isn't that what you used to call me before?" Uncle Erwin chuckled. "Well, I just thought it would be more professional if I called you Commander Erwin. But I'll call you uncle Erwin if you want me to." I replied.

"Well now, I've heard you're almost as good as Captain Levi. Instructor Shadis told me that you were a prodigious student and I mentioned it to Levi. I knew you wouldn't want my influence to move up the rank, so I didn't mention him that I trained you yet. He made the decision from the reports on retaking Trost. Apparently you already have a solo kill of 13 and assists of 9?" Uncle Erwin asked, impressed. "Yes. That's right." I answered with a blank expression. "(Y/N), you need to appreciate your efforts for humanity at times... By the way, wasn't Eren Jaegar on the 104 training Corps with you?" Uncle Erwin asked. "Yes he was. He's one of my friends too." I replied. "Okay then, you may go now. Don't let your emotions stop Levi from killing Eren if things come to that" said Uncle Erwin with concern on his face. This man was like a second family to me as I spent hours training with him every day. He made me as strong as I am now. "You know me, uncle Erwin. Emotions never mattered to me" I replied with a smile and left the office. I went back to the stable and I was given a black horse which apparantly was one of the fastest ones in the stable. Like my old horse at the trainee corps, this was the only one who accepted my bribes of apples. I didn't name the horse because I didn't plan to get attached to it. It, after all, would die in one of the expeditions right?

"Are you (Y/N) (L/N)?" someone asked from behind me. I turned around and saw a girl with short brown hair on a horse. "Yes. Why?" I replied with my usual bored face. "I'm Petra Ral from the special operations squad. I'm here to take you to the castle where we are staying now" she told me with a smile. "Okay" I replied and got on the horse. "You don't talk much do you? Anyway, you can buy stuff from the market nearby as there is no market near the castle. I'll come with you and leave for the castle when you're done. " Sure" I replied, even if she accused me of not making much conversation already. I just didn't want to make conversations. I went to the market with Petra, bought loads of female toiletries and a lot of books. "You read a lot don't you?" Petra asked with astonishment on her face. "Yeah, I feel like reading is more productive than talking to people because you can learn things from books and you can enjoy them at the same time" I said shutting Petra up. It might seem a bit mean but I wasn't liking the fact that she was poking her nose in everything I did already. I didn’t like overly friendly people anyway.

When we reached the castle, I found Eren cleaning the stable. "Hey Eren, how's your teeth?" was the first thing I asked him. "My teeth grew back but I'm having a backache because of that clean freak" Eren muttered with annoyance. "Who are you calling a clean freak brat? You're gonna clean the basement for this." said captain Levi coming from the woods nearby on his horse. I went down from my horse and saluted him while he was getting down. "So you're the new girl. They say you're as good as I am. I want to see if you can keep up with the expectations. Spar with me in 30 minutes. Get cleaned by then cause you smell like horse shit." he told me with a stoic expression and went inside the castle. He managed to piss me off but I remained calm. "You are so screwed" said Petra with concern on her face. "Where's the bathroom?" I asked, with my usual straight face but the anger clear in my eyes. What kind of person just randomly says that you smell like horse shit? "Its on the second floor with our room. It's the room to the right. We are room mates!" she said trying to look excited but failing because I clearly intimidated her.

I went to the bathroom taking a shower and replaying all the fighting techniques I learnt from Uncle Erwin during our training sessions. I was a quick learner according to him. When I was done, I dressed in the usual Survey corp uniform and went towards the courtyard exactly 30 minutes later to find Levi on the way. "I see you're very punctual. Atleast I found one good thing in you so far. Let's see how good you are." Levi said with his usual serious face. This was gonna be fun.

To be continued

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder @realityisoftendisapointing

[crownin-thestars]

Same request by Wattpadder

This is the part 2

Part one

Also giving myself a small throwback to when I played Minecraft with my cousins

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This trio had started hanging out together a lot more, and yes Skeppy is allowed to hangout with them after school(cuz apparently they go to the same school), but he has to be back home before 5pm because again reasons.

Mega has started to speak broken sentences when he's with them and they're super proud of him considering he's pretty much unable to talk. Just because they're broken doesn't mean he can't roast them tho.~

It turned out that they weren't the same age, with Skeppy as the youngest and Mega the oldest. The age gap wasn't extremely huge, Zelk had a one year age difference from the both of them.

Isn't it amazing how they have the privelage of having elemtry to high school in the same location? All good things however, must come to an end. Mega being the oldest had to graduate from Grassblock High first, meaning leaving the two, then eventually one, on their own.

Very soon, Zelk had to graduate from high school as well, leaving Skeppy alone. Without an excuse to leave the house, he's been living through hell on Earth. Now, I won't be going too deep into what happened because I'm assuming you're not here for that.

~Timeskip brought to you by the iDots SMP~

Mega laid in bed. It was the middle of the afternoon and he hadn't planned to do anything that day. A noise emitted from his phone, gaining his attention. That noise was for when he got a text from one of his old friends. It had been forever since they last talked to each other, so it confused it.

He flipped over to grab his phone from the bedside table, checking the notification. It was indeed from an old friend. The mute smiled, remembering the memories he had with the both of them.

Yo guys, you wanna

hang today?

It's been way too

long

Lmao duh Zelk

Mega sat up from the bed, going over to his closet to change out. After changing, he went to check his messages again to see if Skeppy had replied. He didn't even read the message

Just us?

I guess yeah

He reached for his green scarf before leaving, telling his caretakers goodbye.

What happened to Skeppy you're asking? He went for a walk, and his mom took away his hand phone privileges because of grades.

Hate to hear that, yeah.

The moment the two saw each other, a wave of nostalgia came over them. They gave each other a tight hug.

"Dude I've missed you." Zelk told him. Mega nodded in agreement. They quickly broke up the hug before anyone around thought they were a thing. Because, y'know, homophobs are a thing for some reason.

Walking over to the pizza place they planned to go to, they bypassed a little wired fence. That is until something caught Mega's eye. He stopped to take a look, Zelk almost walking off without him. There was a blue piece of cloth sort of stuck on it. It seemed to be ripped of by it. He recognised it from somewhere, but where?

"Please no!! Someone help!!" Their attention was diverted to the direction of the cry. That's when the realisation hit him. The cloth was ripped off from him.

"That kinda sounds like Skeppy, doesn't it?" Zelk pointed out. Mega didn't even acknowledge the question, quickly running off in that direction. The cries were right outside the pizza place they were going to. He halted right at the alleyway next to it.

Another scream escaped from the child's throat as the man in there with him raised his arm. Mega's eyes widened. Zelk just managed to catch up to Mega, not even knowing why he ran off. "Get a staff." He said surprisingly clearly. Despite the shock, Zelk obliged.

Mega sprinted over to the man and gripped his arm just before it managed to swing down on the boy. He had a knife in hand, making it obvious of what his motives were.

"Skeppy, stay away!" He yelled, trying to snatch the weapon from him. Before he could reach it, the man swapped hands and slashed at Mega. Skeppy squealed in fear, tears streaming down. The knife cut his face, but it wasn't deep.

Right on cue, out came Zelk with a staff member. The man's eyes widened, dropping his knife and attempting to run away. Mega, being the little jackass he is inside, attempted to trip him. It didn't really work but it did slow him down. The employee quickly stopped the murderous man from leaving, dragging him out of the alleyway, possibly to keep an eye on him while he calls the cops.

As Mega was processing what had just happened, Skeppy tackled him into a hug.

"BRO I THOUGHT I WAS A GONER!!" He yelled, still sobbing from the traumatic event he had just been through. "ALSO YOU TALKED NORMALLY!!" He decided to add.

"Snapped, I guess." He chuckled slightly, returning the hug. Zelk smiled at the little scene as Skeppy and Mega's bond was never as close as he was with Mega(oh god that sounds confusing I really hope you understood that). "Still as giggly as last time?" He teased, giving the younger a small tickle. He squirmed away, giggling lighty.

"Yes! It still hurts though!" Skeppy wrapped his arms around his abdomen, as if it was going to protect him. "It's not like you're any different!" He clapped back.

"Shut up, Skep." He hid his face in the scarf he was wearing to hide his embarrassment. Both yelped in surprise when they were both pulled into another hug session initiated by Zelk.

"You guys were nearly murdered and this is what you talk about?" They all shared a small laugh at the statement.

"It's not illegal to lighten the mood a bit." Mega replied, pulling out of the hug. He walked over to the knife and used his scarf to pick it up.

"Dude why are you taking that with you people are gonna think you're the murderer here." Skeppy questioned, joking about the situation a bit at the same time. Ah it seems he knows nothing about evidence in court.

When they left the alleyway, police cars could be seen. The man that had just attempted to kill Skeppy was now in cuffs and was being led to one of the cars. Before they left, Mega quickly ran over to one of the cops, showing him the weapon of choice.

When he gave the object to the officer, he rejoined the two waiting up for him. "Still having pizza?" Zelk asked.

"YOU GUYS WERE GETTING PIZZA WITHOUT ME??" Skeppy yelled, causing the two to crack up.

Ever since this whole ordeal, the three have been keeping in close touch with each other, making sure to check on Skeppy's health from then on. It's safe to say that friendship really can last forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word count: 1179 words

Hope I did okay with this part! Been watching EnchantedMob's Disconnected movie a lot and then while writing this I just kinda wanted to implement it in here.

Also, if you're wondering, yes Mega is still a mute. It was just that in that very moment, he didn't remember anything from before because his main and only thought at that time was 'Save Skeppy'. After he processed everything he became himself again tho.

Edit: Jfc I also lost a fair bit of sleep from writing this lmao

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[alysmarylin]

The fic you've been waiting for

Crowley avenging his beloved angel - Sandalphon got what he deserved (don't thank me, reblog instead)!!!!!!!!

Crowley and Aziraphale were unpacking the stuff they bought on a big shopping Sunday, and to this very day Crowley can't remember why and how they ended up talking about Aziraphale's, well... Ex-kin.

"I kinda enjoyed Michael", Crowley laughed. "Rather good-looking. Uriel, on the other hand..."

"Don't get me started on Uriel and Sandalphon", Aziraphale rolled his eyes. "I hate their guts"

"Sandalphon was a tough prick, I remember. And uglier than Belzebub", Crowley sneered.

"You don't say. He works in my place now, homophobic son of a... They couldn't have picked a worse candidate", Aziraphale said in a somewhat hurt voice. 

"Don't worry, angel. Soon enough, he will receive some beating from locals, I tell you"

"Yeah, I should've definitely punched that bastard back", Aziraphale muttered under his nose quietly, angrily. 

" Yeah, you bet...", Crowley laughed and then stopped abruptly. "W-w-wait, wait-wait-wait. Back? What do you mean, back?". Crowley stood up from the floor and stepped up to Aziraphale. 

" Nothing, really"

"No, not nothing". Crowley's eyes were widened in shock. " Do you mean, that, that piece of shit HIT you?!"

Aziraphale lowered his eyes. It looked like the memory wasn't pleasant. Crowley was gasping.

"When? When did it happen? How come I didn't know?", Crowley was not yet angry but more frightened. " Angel, look at me. Talk to me. Someone battered you and I know nothing of it?!"

"No one battered me. I was walking back to my bookshop and Michael, Uriel and... And he approached me, I was questioned..."

"Where the Hell was I?" - Crowley asked, astonished.

"You drove home", Aziraphale said quietly and sadly.

Crowley tilted his head backward and sighed with despair. "I should've known... ". He lowered his head and looked at Aziraphale with sadness and pain. Aziraphale looked confused and lost.

" What did he do? Tell me, angel", Crowley stepped closer, putting his hand on Aziraphale's arm, leaning closer. "Tell me. He's dead"

"Don't you dare, Crowley, we got away and I won't..."

"What did he do to you? What? Why didn't you tell me? I was up there, I saw him, I could've..."

"Because I didn't want you to", Aziraphale answered bitterly. " I needed you to be concentrated and cool-headed. You freed me from them, same as I did for you. That's all that matters"

"No, it's not. You look sad, you look hurt", Crowley said, cupping Aziraphale's cheek. " Otherwise you would've forgotten".

"He punched me in the stomach, alright?", Aziraphale said with a lump in his throat. His lower lip trmbled a bit. "It wasn't as painful physically as it was humiliating".

Crowley looked down on his angel's belly - soft, beautiful, beloved and precious - and everything before his eyes suddenly became red as blood.

"I told you because I trust you, but if you dare approach him or pull out something stupid like that, I will leave you, Crowley", he heard Aziraphale's voice from some distance.

"Do you hear me? Answer me, Crowley"

Crowley felt his head filling with lead from within.

"I will not approach him. I swear it"

"Good", he hears Aziraphale say. " I'll finish unpacking"

Crowley stopped Aziraphale, holding him by the arm. He embraced him from behind, wrapping one of his arms around his chest and putting his hand gently on the angel's belly. He buried his nose in his soft blonde curls and muttered: "I love you".

"I love you too", Aziraphale answered softly, "Now let me finish".

Crowley looked at him, picking up paper bags and arranging the stuff around the room, looking small and soft and lovely. Somehow it made his silent rage all the more burning and red became crimson in his eyes. He swore he wouldn't approach that sick fuck who laid his dirty hands - no, he couldn't bear to think of it - on Aziraphale

... But he said nothing of his friends.

***

Crowley pulled his hood further on his forehead

"Pleasure to see you, Jay. You look like a heroin addict in that hoody", said Phil. 

"I have to hide my hair somehow. Rare color"

Crowley was nervous and feeling restless.

"Yep. You're drop-dead gorgeous lad, we get it. To what I owe the pleasure?"

"I need to track someone down. Name's Saldanphon but he changes his IDs every now and then. You'll have to check for anything similar. Don't have a picture, but I draw him", Crowley laid a piece of paper on a table. The drawing looked fairly accurate. " Looks middle-aged, a bit fat, bald, ugly, has a golden tooth. A homophobe might be hanging around gay bars and the likes to preach or intimidate or whatever he does. That's all I have as of now".

"Well", Phil sighed " It's doable. But it will take a while. Any family?"

"No, none at all"

"I see. The golden tooth is indeed something". Phil looked at Crowley's hand. "You got married?"

"Ugh, yeah", Crowley answered looking around. " You know how to, ehm, tell me of the progress?"

"I've been around longer than you", Phil said wearily, and Crowley had to keep his mouth shut on that remark, " You'll know when I find something. Just one more thing. This, ehm, funny-named morality apostle. What exactly are you planning? He's gonna go?"

"No, not go", Crowley said with sheer disappointment "Plainly be taught a lesson. He put his shitty hands where he shouldn't have".

"Are you gonna call our mutual friend?", Phil raised his eyebrows. " If you want to make it clean, it's the best way. They'll never track his men down. Just food for thought, Jay. A piece of advice from the old man"

"That sounds reasonable", Crowley nodded, as if he had had any idea what to do next when he came to Phil, " I'll think about it. Thank you. Wanna count?". He put a book - a fake book, of course - on a table.

"Here? Oh, please. Trust me, if I don't find what I intend to find here, you'll know", Phil put a book in his bag and stood up. " Have a nice day, kid. Next time, wear something else"

Crowley waited for ten more minutes before leaving the diner. It was only when he was in a crowdy underground station when he put the hood off. He had to be cautious. For everyone's sake.

 

***

 

"Do you really think it's a good place, Jay?", said a tall and broad bald man in a leather jacket, trying to sit comfortably on a bench by a pond.

"The best one, in terms of privacy", said Crowley, looking grimly from his hood. " So. You said you owe me a favor all the way back from 1999. I didn't need anything for a long time, but now..."

"How do you manage to look so young, you sick bastard?", the man asked, chuckling, trying to look at Crowley's face. " You look just like my son, and that sad excuse of an heir is 27 now, not something you could tell by the way he speaks, though, I'd give him 10  in that department, still... How old are you, anyway?"

"I use a strong sunscreen. And I have good genes. Good, hardworking Irish people, my entire family. Will you listen or not, Patsy?"

A bald man stopped laughing and sighed.

"Of course. What seems to be the problem?"

"Our mutual buddy, Phil, tracked down a guy I need you to deal with. Here's what I've got on him", Crowley took a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to a man without so much as looking at his side. " I want your people to teach him a lesson. He's gotta stay alive. I can't be seen. But I need to watch it from a distance. I know you're ready to do this, but still" - Crowley took out something that looked like a book and put it on Patsy's lap still without looking at him - "this is some additional motivation for you, or a token of a good will, if you wish to call it that way".

Patsy put down an apparently-book-thing in his suitcase and opened a piece of paper. He looked at Crowley, frowning.

" What kind of a lesson do you want him to be taught, exactly?"

"If your boys will do it properly, he'll need new teeth", Crowley said, finally turning his head to his counterpart, looking him in the eyes from beneath his shaded. "The whole damn package. And the old ones, I want to have them. Every single one. Especially the golden one. No internal bleeding, no injuries to any organs. You can break a couple of ribs, but carefully. As you wish. But I need his teeth"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jay", the Patsy man said, looking flabbergasted. " What did this son of a bitch did to you so you became such a butcher"

"He laid his shitty hands where he shouldn't have", Crowley hissed, grinding his teeth. His hands clenched in fists.

" You didn't tell me you were married. Was this your wife?", Patsy asked warily.

"I have no wife, but I am indeed married", Crowley answered. " I know you're one of the few people of your occupation who don't look down on things like that. I love him. But I swore I won't touch this bastard myself. I don't have much choice, Pat"

"I'm sorry it happened to your, well, spouse", Patsy said carefully. " But the guys that I have in my crew are not as open-minded as I wish they were. You know it yourself. Ours is not the most prestigious job. I'll do this favor, but when you're sitting in a car with them, better keep the personal personal". 

They shook hands.

"I'll be waiting for your call. You know which number to call, and which not to", Crowley said, standing up. "I'm looking forward to seeing your team at work".

 

***

 

Crowley was staring into the field glasses, trying looking at two tall men in leather jackets dragging a bald man resembling Sandalphon, gagged and tied up, to a torch on the abandoned parking lot. The jeep where Crowley and his associates were sitting was right in its darkest corner.

It was Christmas Eve, the 24th of December. The snow was falling gloriously, but the place was too grim and damp for the fairy-tale-like spirit.

“You see them, Cap?”, a young driver, sitting by Crowley’s side asked.

“It looks like him, but I need insurance. I remember his voice. Call them”

One of the guys on the backseat dialed a number and one of the bouncers took the phone.

“Our cap wants so be sure it’s the guy. Let him speak”

He turned on the speakerphone. Soon enough Crowley heard Sandalphon screaming something like:

“I’ll give you anything you want, please, untie me, I need my hands, I…”, before Crowley nodded and Sandalphon became silent again. The phone was turned off and Sandalphon was dragged to a small staircase, and Crowley had to pay very close attention, looking into field glasses again, to recognize what was going on.

“Are you sure your people can do ALL the teeth in one go?”, he asked a bit unsurely.

“You insult us, Mr. Jay. It is our signature. One strike, all teeth. Leaves a strong message”, murmured a young man behind him.

“Well, then…”, Crowley started, but then he saw something rather outstanding, that made him make a certain sound: “Oi, woah… That was surprising… Alright, gentlemen, pardon me for my previous skepticism. I take that back. On second thought, I even refuse to take, the, ehm, the evidence”

He then heard his phone ring. It had to be Aziraphale. He had to answer. He quickly took the phone and blurted:

“Angel, honey, I can’t talk, I’m very busy, buying you a surprise, I’ll call you back in ten, love you”, without letting him even say a word. He figured out it would be more secure.

“Wife?”, asked a second young man, with a smile.

“Yeah. Sort of. Listen, I think I’d rather be going, are they done with the teeth? At the end of the day, I’ll think I’m more than happy without them. I don’t wanna take ‘em. I saw what you did, it was amazing. Drop me at the underground station, please… Else my, ehm, spouse, will be suspecting something, which I don’t fancy, like, at all”.

 

Crowley was very relieved when they drove away.

 

***

 

Crowley thought he had never had such a lovely Christmas morning. Angel was by his side, in his lovely tartan pajamas, they were tucked under the blanket, sipping tea and lazily switching the channels on telly.

“I thought I hated Christmas”, Crowley said quietly, as he lowered his head to Aziraphale’s, planting a soft kiss on his temple. “Now you made me love it. What next, angel?”

“You’ll stop wearing all black?”, Aziraphale answered, with a sarcastic smile.

“Naah, not in this life and not in the next”, Crowley said leisurely, switching the channels. Then he saw the news.

“… The victim of this horrific Christmas assault is alive, but severely traumatized – his teeth were…”

That was something Crowley didn’t account for – the bloody news.

“Ugh, what is it with these people”, he said with a trembling voice, trying desperately to sound casual, turning the telly off. “It’s only violence on this television, I’ll better put on some music. And make you some tea”, Crowley said, standing up.

“Dear boy”, Aziraphale said softly. “I’d like some tangerines. Would you be so kind as to bring your husband a plateful of those?”, he smiled. Crowley looked like he was melting from the inside.

“Every time you say the h-word I can’t say no to anything, angel. I’ll be in 15, a’right”

Crowley sighed with relief as he stepped into the kitchen. He was off the hook now, but some time from now, the angel might still learn about what happened. Will he be able to understand?

“All I did, I did for you”, Crowley thought in pain. “I love you so much I couldn’t stop it. He had to pay, my love, he had to”. Crowley felt tears fill his eyes, as he was putting tangerines in a bowl, but he was able to will them away. “I’d kill for you, I’d die for you, Aziraphale”, he thought with anguish. “I hope you know that whatever comes. I hope you will forgive me for what I had to do”.

 ***

 

With Crowley gone, Aziraphale was finally able to read the newspaper.

 

“Broken teeth, that’s a good take”, he thought smugly, as he read the weekly crime report. “See, Sandalphon. What goes around, comes around, next time you want to apply brutal force to your… arguments, better remember this, no? Though I doubt there will be the next time”

Aziraphale smirked. What his husband lacked in logic and cautiousness, he made up in loyalty and protectiveness. Blind loyalty and fierce protectiveness.

“You’re such an idiot, Crowley”, Aziraphale thought tenderly. “Really, A-J? To think I wouldn’t know? Me, famous Mr. Fell of Soho?”

That very evening, when he received a phone call from Phil and heard of some “heroin junkie looking” guy calling himself “Tony Jay” or “A J”, or, God have mercy, “Jay”, of all things, he knew it has to be Crowley.

“Wearing a black hoodie on top of his shades, really. It’s a miracle he didn’t get busted for drug possession”. Maybe it was indeed a miracle.

Truth be told, he wasn’t angry. He couldn’t approve openly, but there was a certain warmness in knowing that a homophobic golden-toothed prick who assaulted him now got what was coming for him.

“But I can’t encourage this sort of behavior in Crowley”, he thought, hiding his smile. “Now, dear boy, you need to control your impulses. At least, most of the time”.

Still, Aziraphale knew that he was one of the luckiest men – well, not really men, but… - alive, for his partner would stop at nothing to protect him.

“If only he would’ve acted a bit cleverer… Well, I suppose you can’t have it all. He’s beautiful, caring, kind, sweet, fiercely loyal and sexy as Hell, in the most literal sense of this word. It’s only natural he has to be a complete idiot to not let me forget myself. Oh, he brought me the cannoli the other day… This boy watched The Godfather too many times”.

 

“Angel!”, Crowley said, entering the room with a bowl full of tangerines. “What are you smiling at?”

“I’m thinking about how lucky I am to have you, dear boy”, Aziraphale answered with a loving smile.