#i know this is not at all the intent but it feels so often like they're telling me 'you should just give up now and get a boring job'

[whispsofwind]

I am probably (definitely) kicking the hornet's nest but... I feel like there's a disconnection in how people approach HP because I've seen so many people say "but aren't the books explicitly anti racism? How can the author be all those bad things if her books are explicitly anti racism?".

And the point is... they're not. At least they weren't intended to be: the whole pure blood thing is less about race, and more about the ridiculous "noble blood" classism that still exists in England. And once I got that I completely revaluated my interpretation of those books.

I loved those books as a child, and I am not going to sit here and tell they're all vad, because they're not. They ARE a cultural phenomenon that shaped both pop culture and Internet culture for the last 20 freaking years, though. And they will continue to do so, if nothing else because outside of the English speaking sphere, PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT JOANNE'S HATE CAMPAIGNS. Like I cannot emphasise enough, not English speaking people often don't know.

And therefore I feel it's important not only to speak up about the author, but also analyse where the books succeeded or failed, and why.

The elves were adapted from the brownies... with disastrous results, especially if you consider Hermione's campaign. The metaphor with licantropism is an absolute disaster. The way in which muggles are presented (either evil, stupid or both) is ... also not a good look, considering the context. The series is genuinely morally confused, I dare say. It professes the importance of Love TM while also refusing to take a critical look at its own dystopian world building.

Death of the author, or separating the art from the author, are also not supposed to be an absolute frame of reference. They are literary analysis tools that allow you to analyse a work without taking the will of the author into consideration (example: CS Lewis was deeply Catholic and intended Susan not going to Narnia in the end as a metaphor for loss of faith. However maybe I want to analyses Susan's arc in light of misogyny, and the correlation between sexuality and loss of innocence, rather than religion. I am literally ignoring authorial intent to do so, but it's a very valid reading).

However I feel like you cannot analyse any work of art in an absolute vacuum, and expurging the author from the art completely feels, to me, rather simplistic.

I am also not entirely comfortable with the idea of Death of the Author being used as a frame of reference for the relationship with the work AND the author, rather than being used as a simple literary tool.

I always felt like the better approach is to evaluate how to cause less damage and bring the most happiness all around. Does buying the work of Lovecraft cause any harm in this world? I would argue not, since the man is well enough dead. Does buying HP products, or Orson Scott Card's works, or Silvana de Mari's books, cause harm? I would argue yes, because these authors use they money and their platforms to attach real, vulnerable people in a systemic way right here right now. Does SPEAKING about those works cause harm? Does engaging with the fandom aspect of them cause harm? That's more complicated. Critical analysis of a work is, imo, always a net positive, and there's the very real fact that some people pour their hearts and souls into a fandom because it genuinely brings happiness to them and to people around them, and because it allows them to enhance the original world in order to ACTUALLY address the issues that were ignored. That cannot be discounted. However, at the same time it cannot be ignored that talking about a work keeps it alive, which keeps it marketable; then again, fandom's impact on ... anything large scale is negligible when compared to, again, thousands upon thousands of people across the world who don't look the author up, don't engage critically with the text, and just think the Hogwarts Lego Model looks super cute. Which is, like, 90% of the population.

I suppose the main conclusion is nuance: morality is complicated, and making the "morally right" choice is nuanced, deeply personal, and I am not going to judge anyone because they want to reread Harry Potter or want to watch Good Omens Season 3 or whatever, because the world and our impact in it is much more complicated than "person bad, therefore damnatio memoriae good".

hey do you think you could expand a bit on separating the art from the artist? clearly you’ve done it with jk rowling but what are your thoughts on it as a general idea?

okay, but you’re not going to like the answer.

here’s the truth: you can’t separate the art from the artist. not entirely. HP Lovecraft was an incredibly talented, but much more incredibly racist man. It would nice to say you don’t agree with his views but you can enjoy his works without that leaking in but…. well, I’m afraid that would be misunderstanding his books entirely.

Consider, for a second, that Lovecraft’s works were horror stories about extradimensional alien monsters having mutant children with humans, they were about invasions from distant monsters, they were about the purity of quaint European towns being tainted. Consider how this may have all been inflicted by the fact that he just simply despised anybody who wasn’t white. Consider how is opinions on “mixing the races” might fight into this; consider why being unable to maintain the “purity” of white Europe was the scariest thing of all to him.

This extends to Rowling too.

I would love to say we can just acknowledge that she is an awful, racist, antisemitic, transphobic person and then say “but at least her books are good,” because, well, they are, aren’t they? I would say so, for sure. But to suggest that one can separate her from them is…. ridiculous.

Consider why an antisemitic woman wrote about a species of goblins who live among us, but who for the most part keep to themselvesand are maybe a little bit oppressed by the institution, but also hold all the cards, all the money, run the banks.

Consider why a racist woman would write about a species of slaves who loved being enslaved, who enjoyed working for no pay, and cleaning up after humans, with the only small caveat of that they didn’t want to be beaten. Imagine that only the most radical of their species wanted to be free, and he still spent the rest of his life working for no pay and helping out a little white boy and his friends wherever he could. Consider why the only person in the story who thought they should be free, that they should have rights, was treated as an overzealous joke, who was acting against the wishes of those slaves who really LOVE being enslaved. Consider that Rowling went on to say that she kind of considers that girl to be black, now.

Consider why JK Rowling, an open and proud transphobe, wrote Rita Skeeter as having a large square jaw, thick “manly” hands, and dressing incredibly gaudily with the most obvious fake nails and fake teeth and fake hair and fake everything. Consider why a woman who tweets about how trans women are “foxes pretending to be hens to get in the hen house” might write this Rita Skeeter to then illegally transform her body in order to spy on children.

Harry Potter is full of Rowling’s bigotry, start to finish. Not even tangentially, like, “oh the goblins are bad, Rita Skeeter is bad, the house elves are bad, but most of it’s good!” because the deeper you dig and the longer you think the more you realise the entire story is based on her prejudices.

Harry Potter pretends to be an aracial story about found family, but if that were true, why are Harry’s distant ancestors important to who he is today even in the seventh book? Why does Harry have to live with his cousin and aunt and uncle? Because magic inherently prefers blood ties. Whilst Rowling was writing a story that seemed to say, “your heritage is not that important and doesn’t make you better than others” she was still writing a story about a boy who got all of his money through his bloodline, who was protected by living with his bloodline, no matter how evil, who was uniquely able to stop Voldemort because his bloodline passed down the invisibility cloak for generations and generations. Any step Harry takes he is compared to his perfect parents who were exactly like him — he looks just like his father, but he has his mother’s eyes, you know! — consider WHY a woman who is racist might’ve written a story like this. A story that on its surface, condemns a blood caste, but still in every step it takes, validates the idea that blood is thicker than water, and your geneological origin is what makes you special.

You can enjoy Harry Pottwr, of course you can. There are fantastic parts. I love a small group of teenagers deciding to become anarchies rebels and train to fight against fascism in secret. I love the murder mystery plots, I love how the series tells kids that it’s a good thing to be brave, and a good thing to fight injustice, and a good thing to challenge the government. But I cannot separate it from its author because it is such a product of its author. All of the structures of the world, the way things work in the universe, and drenched in Rowling’s beliefs, her bigotries. Of course they are: she made them.

Again. This doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy it. But I think we are past the day where we can pretend that disavowing a bigoted author is enough, and that that somehow separates the text from its bigotry. I think we are past the day where we can pretend that Harry Potter isn’t a deeply, inherently bigoted piece of media. Even the bits we love. I think we are beyond the day where we can truthfully pretend to separate it from her, because she is present through all of it. We MUST recognise its flaws. We MUST admit that she is in every part of it.

[minus-plus-zer0]

Valentine's Day Special - First Chocolates

“Um… Happy Valentine’s Day, Bakugou!”

Bakugou gawked at you like you had grown two heads. There you were, in his bedroom, hands outstretched to offer him your best homemade chocolates. You knew nobody ever bothered to give Bakugou chocolates before, so you didn’t know what to expect next despite knowing the boy better than anyone. 

From his seat at his desk, Bakugou took the cute pink box from your hands and gingerly opened it, popping a chocolate into his mouth and chewing thoughtfully. 

“Well?” you asked. “Do you like it?”

“‘Course I do,” he spat. “But… why’re you giving me these?”

You tilted your head quizzically. “…Because we’re best friends?”

Bakugou paused, scrutinizing your answer.

“You give any of your other ‘best friends’ delicious chocolates?” Bakugou asked, sneering at the thought. 

“I did give some to Kirishima, Todoroki, and Midoriya…” Bakugou’s face darkened with every name you listed. “But I made yours extra special! Because we’re so close!”

Bakugou’s face slowly broke into a wide grin. “S’that so? Sounds about right! Next year, you don’t gotta give those guys chocolates. Just give ‘em all to me.”

Bakugou spent the rest of the day eating your chocolates in front of all his lonely and single friends whenever they came to bother him. He also paraded you around Kirishima, Todoroki, and Midoriya in particular, often walking up to these boys and smacking his lips as he chewed through your super special chocolate to make his intentions quite clear. 

Of course, the Bakusquad swarmed Bakugou in the dorms and asked him one very important question that even Bakugou was still wondering about. 

“Are they friendship chocolates?” Ashido asked. “Or romance chocolates?”

“What, it ain’t obvious?” Bakugou replied, having no clue himself. “Such a dumb question.”

Bakugou looked away with a huff, but he could never give the Bakusquad a straight answer. Whenever they interrogated you for details, Bakugou not-so-discreetly glanced over his shoulder to check your response. 

You merely replied, “It’s a secret.”

This frustrated the Bakusquad (and Bakugou) to no end, but you weren’t quite yet ready to tell your true feelings to anyone, at least not in public. It wasn’t until much later that same day when Bakugou caught you for some alone time in your bedroom that he brought up the question again. 

“Hey…” Bakugou said, sitting alongside you on your bed with a concerned expression. “Next month, I’m gonna totally outdo the gift you just gave me. But don’t go taking gifts from other guys. I’m not gonna give anything to other people either. Remember, it’s just gotta be our thing, ya know?”

You hid your face a little in your hands to cover your embarrassment from his sweet statement. “Oh, okay! Anything for my best friend!”

“Good.” Bakugou steeled himself to say his next piece. “That means we’re officially exclusive from now on. And the only gifts we’re gonna give each other are gonna be special, right?”

He was genuinely wondering about your answer judging by the bit of desperation behind his words. He was so cute sometimes. You needed to tell him the truth.

You beamed at him playfully. “Well of course! I can’t just give everyone romance chocolates, now can I?”

Bakugou appeared surprised for a second before breaking out into a satisfied and proud grin.

“‘Course not,” Bakugou said, his heart pounding as he leaned over to eagerly kiss you.

(I still exist! I have just been busy with real life and I am sick. Thankfully I was able to get this post out in time!)

[shimmershifts]

an open letter to those who have not yet shifted.

i don't know how many of you will see this, let alone how many will read it entirely. this letter is for those who have been trying to shift for two years, five years, more. those who cannot give up, and those who will not give up, and maybe even those who already have. to preface, this letter will not rehash everything you already know. you've scrolled every forum, you've seen every method, you've read every tip. you've trialed, and errored, and persevered... but you're still here. law of assumption, manifestation, belief, intention. but you're still here. you've been told all about shifting... right? you already know what shifting is... right? you should already know how to shift... right? but you're still here.

this letter is not intended to debase or invalidate those who do already believe in those things and who are satisfied with that. this is for those who have been trying that way for 2 years, 5 years, and more, and still haven't shifted. this is for those who might want an alternative perspective.

what you've been told

in my personal opinion, the online shifting community as it currently stands is very... rigid. narrow. there are a few dominant views, and then the many who drown out any possible dissent or disagreement. i do understand why this happens. reality shifting is already a marginal belief, hounded by anti-shifters and disbelieved and debunked on all sides, so it makes sense that people feel the instinct to close ranks at any sign of an outsider. unfortunately, this has led to a community that raises its hackles at even other reality shifters who simply don't believe the exact same way that you do. law of assumption. manifestation. intent. (and dare i say it, the multiverse.)

i don't believe in any of that, in the context of shifting.

now, wait! don't go yet, stay with me. it's okay if you do. i'm not intending to change the minds of those who already believe in these things. i'm not going to go at anyone and say "i'm right, you're wrong, and you must change your mind to agree with me!" that would be silly, and counterproductive. let's lower our guards, and extend an olive branch, please. if you feel these things serve your journey, then carry on. you're allowed to disagree with me, i won't be upset. you're allowed to think i'm wrong, if you want. literally no worries at all.

but i am a little tired frankly of certain ideas being treated as the only options, and often in a rude or hostile manner. if you are someone who has spent five years trying to shift, and you see yet another post that boils down to "all you have to do is want it hard enough" does that not hurt your soul? the following sections of this post are for those who these ideas have not been working for. for those who have not yet shifted. it's been two years. five years. more. and you're still here. are you open to another possibility?

what is reality shifting?

i've told you what i don't believe, but what about what i do? i'll try to keep this as concise as possible for the sake of brevity and comprehension, knowing i could potentially clarify in future posts. but please continue with the understanding that im a chronic overexplainer, and my curse is the fact that the extra words don't always actually increase understanding. bear with me.

reality shifting: broadly speaking, this refers to shifting your linear experience of reality from one, to another. this has been known by many other names in the past, across continents and cultures, even in pre-agriculture societies. i'd include ideas like persistent realms, quantum jumping, focus 21, etc. language is subjective, and people may describe or understand the same experience in different ways.

i believe reality shifting is a haphazard side effect of our limited ability to perceive and comprehend reality. let me explain. space, as we understand it, is three dimensional. but reality isn't. it's our bodies and minds limiting our perception and understanding that makes all of reality seem that way to us at surface level.

1D: let's consider a hypothetical one dimensional existence. everything would a straight line, and the only way to perceive anything else would be as a single point directly in front or directly behind you. forwards and backward. the 2D and 3D are beyond your limited ability to physically sense or feel, let alone to comprehend. Forget about the 4D (time). due to your lack of comprehension, you cannot move at will in two dimensional planes, let alone three dimensional space or even time. you are static, a single point.

2D: let's consider a hypothetical two dimensional existence. it would be a flat, infinite planar expanse. you might be a square, or a circle. you can move freely in two dimensional directions (forward, backwards, side to side), but not in the 3D. No up, no down. If you tried to perceive a three dimensional object, you would only be able to comprehend it as linear, a line on the horizon where it intersects your 2 dimensional plane. you would perceive the 3D as moving around or within you on its own, without the ability to direct it. the 4D, or time, if you could perceive it, would be static, a singular point at a time.

3D: what about our three dimensional existence? congratulations, you now are a form, such as a sphere, or a cube. you can move freely in a voluminous, infinite three dimensional space. Forward, backwards, side to side, up, and down. if you *try* to perceive the fourth dimension (time), you can only comprehend it as linear, a line where it intersects your 3 dimensional space. You perceive it as moving around or within you on its own, without the ability to direct it yourself. any dimensions higher than that, if you could perceive it, would be static, a singular point at a time.

quick 4D sidebar: clearing this one up now because this will confuse some of you who are involved in other communities. in many law of assumption and manifestation communities, "4D" has been used to refer to your imagination, inner world, a bridge to "higher vibrational states", etc. i don't use it that way. i use it in the sense of the mathematical concept, or linking three-dimensional space with time. 4D=time.

4D and 5D: so, time is the fourth dimension. that means it is four dimensional, yet due to our limitations as 3D creatures, we can only perceive it as linear. we perceive it as moving around us, without our direction, forwards, (or backwards in some cultures). what about the 5th dimension? the static one? the one we can only perceive one point of at a time? let's call this 5th dimension... reality. due to our limited perception, it may not seem like it, but time and reality are just like space in that all of it exists at once. if you were a 5th dimensional creature, you wouldn't see a bunch of different realities, you'd just see one the way we just see one 3D universe around us right now.

tip: think of it this way, if a three dimensional creature moving through time is only able to perceive it linearly, it may think that each point of time exists separately, passing by in chronological order. this would be like a character in a book, the character experiences each page one at a time as we turn the page. but we know that actually, the entire book exists all at the same time, and already did exist before we picked it up and started reading it, and continues to exist even when we set it down. the same is true of time, and reality. even if we perceive it as linear, or a point, all of it actually exists simultaneously, like space.

still, we can only perceive one point of reality at a time. i believe when we reality shift, we are by some freak of nature (or nurture) finding a way to trigger a "movement" in this "5th dimension," and therefor shifting our linear experience of time and our singular perceptual experience of one reality to another. ("movement" is a bit of an abstraction here, as movement generally refers to 3D space. you're not actually moving anywhere, you're already there, you just... can't see it at the same time as this.)

ok, so how the heavens do i shift?

if you read through all of the above, i assume that's what you're asking by now. "get to the point shimmer! how do i shift?" if you don't need intention, belief, assumption, manifestation, three gallons of water, crystals, or anything else then what do you need to shift?

if we boil shifting down to its absolute core, all you need to do in order to shift is to shift. (put down the pitch forks, and the flaming feathers and tar. i'll elaborate.)

shifting involves finding a way for us 3 dimensional creatures to trigger a shift in a dimensional direction that we do not have the capacity to perceive. so what i mean by "all you have to do to shift, is to shift" is that there is no physical movement, or secret password we can whisper that makes us shift, not inherently. it's sort of like being told to find your invisible and non corporeal primordial tail, and then swish it in a direction that doesn't spatially exist. find your "move in the 5D button", and then press it. except, there is no button.

so how do we "move" from one point of reality to the other? well, the first clue to this is in noticing what part of us is actually doing the "moving".

you don't make it happen with your three dimensional form. there is no body part or mass or motor function in your 3D body that triggers a shift. there's nothing that allows a three dimensional form to move in five dimensional directions... you just can't. your body stays here. that's good news actually, in my opinion. there is no need to force yourself into strange bodily positions, or chug water, or whatever else. your 3D body is irrelevant, because it's not going anywhere. you don't have to do anything with your body to shift. some people can shift awake, asleep, in the shower, walking around, etc.

you also don't necessarily do it with the fourth dimension, time. there is no specific amount of time that you'll shift after. it might seem you've spent a lot of time trying to shift, but the actual shift itself is instantaneous. some people shift their first try, and some of you might be on your second decade of attempts. again, the time factor being irrelevant is good news because this means it doesn't have to take time.

i also don't think we do it with just intent or belief. the intention word gets used so much it basically means nothing, but the general idea is that intent is the driving force that manifests your desired outcome. in the context of shifting, people use it like "set your intention to shift, and you will" or "intent makes you shift." or the dreaded "you just have to believe harder." personally, i don't think that's true. i don't think intention makes you shift. if it did, you all would have shifted by now, right? i think looking anyone who's been trying to shift for 4 years dead in the eye and telling them they just haven't intended to shift yet is honestly a bit cruel and unusual. some people who intend to shift will shift, but in my opinion, its a case of correlation, and not causation. there are also people who shift without intending to, or who intend to shift but don't.

it's also not really our thoughts that shift. or our mind as a concept, or our entire self. we know this because you don't turn into a comatose vegetable when you shift to a different reality. your thoughts, mind, and self here are unaffected by your awareness shifting away from it. if you successfully "permashifted" to hogwarts tonight, your self here would still wake up in the morning and go to work.

so what does shift? only our linear experience of our own awareness. so in order to reality shift, we just need to find a way to trigger our awareness to shift from one point of reality to another in a non linear fashion, and then integrate that into our linear experience. aha! you think. great! now how do i do that...? unfortunately, this is not an exact science (yet.) once you begin shifting regularly, i think it gets "easier" in some regards because you get a sense for how your awareness "feels" and what works for you. for those who haven't shifted, i can't say "take three deep breaths and recite the secret words, and then you'll shift." there is nothing specific you can physically do that will for certain make you shift. there's no secret passwords.

there is no key to shifting. the good news is, this means there is also no lock.

what we can do is get ourselves primed, into a state that increases the chances our awareness is triggered to shift. ie, find the "move in the 5D" button, (you know, the one that doesn't exist) and learn how to press it. and because it is our awareness that shifts, my "methods" have to do with priming your awareness for shifting. you don't need to believe, which is a good thing because it means doubts won't hold you back. you don't necessarily need to intend, which is a good thing because it means there are no secret blockages in your way. no "subconscious", no "reprogramming", no "delusion is the solution." you don't need any of that. you also don't have to do anything specific with your body or space unless you feel like it and want to. you don't need a script, but you can make one if you want. it's whatever, it's irrelevant darling, it's non-consequential.

these three methods below basically encompass all shifting methods out there. i might expand on techniques for these methods later, but for now i'll go over the basics.

method one: pure awareness

it basically boils down to two steps. get into a state of pure awareness, and then shift.

the first step for this method is actually a simple one, sort of, but i think it's unkind to call it easy. it can be easy, if you just happen to have a perfect technique that works for you on your first try. if so, congrats! if not, don't despair. it comes more naturally to some than others, at first. you can probably build the skills and try different techniques necessary for you to get there.

but what is pure awareness? it's currently very often being called "the void state", but i'm not using that term for a few reasons. one, i think using the term "the void state" or calling it "the void" is making people think it's some sort of place that they're trying to go. it's not. it's not a physical place at all, and that's kind of the point. most of the time, your awareness is perceiving reality through the confines concept of 3D reality, because that's the data input it's receiving from your brain and body. that grounds you in this reality, and allows you to go about your day to day life. your goal with the pure awareness method is to focus on just your awareness, absent of all 3D distraction data and input. that way, your awareness is primed to be triggered to shift its focus to the 3D perception of a different point of reality when you come out of that state.

i might make a post about techniques for getting into the state of pure awareness, but this post is already long enough.

method two: destabilization of awareness

this method gets over complicated, but it basically boils down to two steps. destabilize your awareness, and then shift.

honestly, most shifting methods i see online are in some way doing this. lucid dreams, the hypnogogic state, SATS, self-hypnosis, "symptoms", and also all those iterations of the "raven method" the "staircase method" the "alice in wonderland method" etc are all basically ways to destabilize your awareness from the linear perception it is so used to in this point of reality, offering the opportunity of triggering a shift to a different one. they're all sort of either distracting or subverting your focus on the 3D here in this point of reality.

basically, you'll be trying to discombobulate yourself to the point your awareness is not focused on 3D reality, and trigger a shift.

method three: absence of awareness

sleep method gang, rise up. i'm serious. this method involves reducing your awareness to zero, or as close to it as possible, another potentially prime state to trigger a shift. (and by sleep method, i don't mean lucid dreamers or SATS, i mean simply going to sleep here, having a period of complete unawareness, like totally dreamless sleep, and then waking up in your DR.)

this absence of awareness during sleep is (in my experience) the most common cause of accidental or unintentional shifts, but you might be one of those who can trigger a shift to desired realities with this too.

sleeping is not the only way to get to the state of the lack of awareness. i'd say total distraction methods also count for this. you're not asleep, your body is awake, but you're so "zoned out" (or alternatively in a meditative state such that) you're absolutely not aware of the 3D experience of this point of reality anymore.

this is completely different from the state of pure awareness by the way, because in the state of pure awareness you are aware. like, in pure awareness you have a full train of thought and total control. the absence of awareness is the opposite. it feels sort of like a "blip" where reality time and space passed you by and you were not aware of it.

[dgsurfers]

There is a parlor that is said to be established somewhere off Tumblr Avenue. However, it is not accessible to many. I will relay the story of the parlor that an old Tumblr colleague of mine once told me.

Smooth and trim, shelved between a Likes page and an archive, the parlor does not make an effort to exhibit its business inside. One might be surprised at the gaudy interior past the prairie-grille doors. A fitting entrance, seeing that “doors” are the top trade inside the building.

You might be surprised by this--I was, over blintzes and sugar cubes with my colleague--but there is quite a large market for “split-wood”, a term coined in the business for doors with graffiti on one side. A home or store owner might wake up one morning, greeted by tenuous white lines of illustration on their doorway. No one knows whether it is one artist, a collective, or divine chance; either way, if your building is met with this fortune, you can take the door to this parlor to be auctioned or sold, as regulars believe the illustration contains certain prophetic qualities for their life.

The interior may feel very congested at first, according to my colleague. It's not tall, but stretches a bit towards the back, and the low, blooming lights are disorienting. Leather cushion seats are clustered and scattered at the whims of the current attendees. A terrible layer of smoke clouds the bar, which is adorned with metal chains and wires. The six owners of the building all share a similar taste, and thus the decoration stays. My colleague once sat in on an auction with his friend from a Server school.

His friend, who I will name as NV, was a man with a bad habit of taking pictures of strangers in public. It was his attempt at “candid photography”, but often it would result in him peeking through windows, waiting behind corners, and following poor saps down dark alleys. He would at times tell his dreams of amorphous shapes that encouraged him to “capture people in their true state”. He was gregarious and at the same time aggressive--once we met at a Blogger’s beach event and, noticing my timidity toward the water, bulldozed me in by the shoulders. At this auction, my friend had been invited by NV, who had already become a regular for the past several months.

Waiting at the bar for the event to begin, NV mouthed through his cigar something unexpected. The split-wood being auctioned that day were fraudulent. This particular NV had commissioned for a low price to mimic the shared style on four doors, store-bought. It was his idea that that must be the origin of most split-wood auctioned there, unknown to the oblivious auction-goers. It was easy profit, and the parlor was covert enough to dip in and out of. He’d come with the intention of hiking the price, the money going to a stand-in party who agreed to give it all to him. When the auction began, all four illustrations faced the wall.

The painted sides would only be revealed to the audience once all were bought, so as to preserve the lure of their supposed prophetic meanings. NV and my colleague were stuffed somewhere in the rows of leather chairs as the auctioneer began to sound off prices. The first door slowly made its way up to 2900, and then pushed from a 4100 bid by NV to 7500. The second and third were sold for similar prices, 12700 and 16500 respectively, much higher than the average auction. When the fourth came around, NV seemed to be completely feverish, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief and adjusting his cuffs. As for my colleague, he was quite relaxed by the smoke and din among the small audience.

The sound of the auctioneer’s gavel seemed to pass over his ears and make NV flinch to attention as the fourth door’s sale began. It went from 1000, to 4000, to 6000, 6500 (by NV) and then in the end, 12000. All in the audience looked around wordlessly, waiting for anything more, but that was final. NV had begun nervously thumbing his chin and chuckling, attempting to withhold any excitement. The man excused himself silently to smoke a cigar outside, telling my colleague to meet him in front at any time he was ready. With a wink, he left the parlor. However my colleague lingered inside, out of the simple curiosity to watch for a minute the swindled folk.

Donned with black leather gloves, the parlor’s handler swiftly exited from the back hall to rotate the doors for the buyers. Those who had stood to see suddenly slowed--then an outburst of murmurs between gloved hands and folding jackets took over the room. On each split-wood, the previously white lines had come to violently render black boxes of varying sizes, with materials unintelligible.

The depictions were unlike any previous piece, and any details that could have been interpreted for fortune had been rendered null. Only the shape of the rectangle remained. Anyone who looked out the window at that point would have seen the incapacitated NV locked inside the tight lattice of a metal enclosure, to which he could not escape. It was said he lay on the concrete completely stifled. After the panicked attention of my colleague, then those inside the building, followed by the street crowd and the fire department and the local metal workers and finally the moderators, NV silently succumbed and deactivated.

That is simply the story as I heard it, and I did not feel up to finishing my sugar cubes after.

[xylatox]

Loving you is forever, a Lee Heeseung fic by Kiki :) I'm so excited to finally read it!!

(I reblogged this on the wrong account for a sec lmfao oops)

I just wanna say, her daughter's names being Heejin and having the same starting syllables as Heeseung is so cute whether it was intentional or not. And her nickname being Bambi:(((( I bet she has boba eyes like her dad, this is so cute:((

karina is your best friend, sister even, you have known each other since you were little, even though she was only a few months older than you she was often that older sister you never had, guiding you through new experiences together and you just wished that when you grew up together, you realized sooner that she was also navigating those new experiences alongside you.— already loving the sisterly bond she has with Karina despite not being blood related. Reader staying in Seattle 👀 I wonder what's her relationship with Jay lol, I can't help but think about it.

Omg they're cousins😭 that is so cute, I already love the calm and chaotic duo vibes they have going on thats so heartwarming.—when you got in trouble for getting a C- on your chemistry exam, jay vouched for you and said that the chemistry teacher at your high school was sexist and punished all the girls in the class. — LMFAO😭😭😭 no but if a teacher ever did this that's actually insane. I love seeing all the memories reader and Jay have shoeing how deep their relationship is, it's so cute.

His relationship with his niece is so cute too like, the nicknames🥹🥹 I'm softly.—“yes… bambi. it’s her favorite movie so i nicknamed her bambi…” you respond, trying to avoid his stare. “no other reason?” he asks and you shoot him a glare. “alright alright. i’ll drop it. it’s a cute nickname anyway.” he confesses and you mutter a small thank you, thankful that he’s not prying any longer. — Jay and I on the same wavelength frfr.

Getting the history between reader and Hee:(((( omg, I'm so sad and the fact that only Jay knows Hee is the dad ahhhh :((

she looks up at you with her big doe eyes and for a second you see the uncanny resemblance of her and her father. “mama, who is my dad?” the question comes as a shock to you because although she had asked before, she’s never let the absence of her father trouble her the way it has now. your mouth slightly opens at her question but you quickly recollect yourself so she doesn’t notice your demeanor falter, afraid that your expression could cause her more worry if she was to realize how you reacted to her question. — going to cry my eyes out, poor baby :(((((

even if it made him feel crazy because love makes you do crazy things. — Hee is so in love with her I'll sob.—you were truly the girl of his dreams and now that you were back; he wasn’t going to let you go so easily like last time. — we love a man who's dedicated. It makes me wonder if reader was afraid or misunderstood things causing her to leave :((( seeing how he dealt with things when she left breaks my heart sm.

you were a bit upset, especially because jay was the one that knew what happened with everything out of all of the people in your life. you made sure to bring this up to your cousin when you had the chance, keeping in mind that jay would get a piece of your mind about this. — reader is so cute, but I definitely think confrontation is best and getting clarity and closure.

“are you ok, yn?” heeseung asked and his voice sounded muffled to you and as he scooted closer, the image of heeseung in your vision blurred and doubled like he was a mirage. you were starting to get light headed and that was when you knew that you were going to faint, the anxiety had taken over your brain and before you knew it your eyes were fluttering closed and heeseung was catching you in his arms before your body could fall over onto the coffee table. — wait omg, this is such a real response, like, I didn't know it happened to others but my anxiety attacks are the exact same way😭

Now the full backstory is known:((( I understand reader's perspective and I absolutely don't blame her for thinking she's a rebound, that's so sad no :( it's just a big misunderstanding, but it will take time to deal with that too but I love that she invited him to Heejin's birthday.

“you know.. not to be a conspiracy theorist but doesn’t heejin look like.. heeseung?” winter asks, whispering to sunghoon as she walks a bit closer to him. “no, i see it too. also, the nickname? we used to say heeseung looks like a baby deer all the time when we were in college and yn nicknamed her daughter bambi?” sunghoon adds and winter looks at him like he’s just spilled the deepest secret one can hold. — it absolutely took them long enough to realize it imo😭

Heejin calling Heeseung dad by mistake and him not even knowing its his child yet, my heart can't take it.

Omg, I absolutely loved the ending, I loved how they resolved their misunderstandings and just became a completed family. Their dynamic is so cute and I'm so glad they got their happy ending.

loving you is forever ⋆˚ʚɞ

pairing: lee heeseung x reader 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ ♡

synopsis: after a one night stand leaves you with a lasting memory of the boy you left behind in the name of your daughter, heejin. you finally decide that it was time to move back home to south korea after living abroad for the last 5 years. reuniting with your old friends was everything you could've wished for as they welcomed you and your daughter; but you don't think you could ever prepare yourself to face the father of your child.

warnings: profanity, kissing, suggestive, mentions of hooking up/one night stands, drinking, characters are in their late 20s, absent father!heeseung (but its not his fault) implying that they didn't use a condom (wrap it up!!), overall 18+

genre: single mom!reader x heeseung, old friends to lovers, kind of exes to lovers, one night stand, angst, romance, drama, hurt/comfort, slow burn-ish

wc: 16558 (idk what happened i swear i blanked out writing this)

hoonieyun notes: she's finally here djfkd it took so long to finish this because i didn't want to rush it and feel like i just had to get it done to get it done. i really hope you all enjoyed this piece of work, i loved writing it and i just want to say: happy valentine's day!! you are all so deserving to be loved and surrounded by those who love you <3

the days of being in seoul, south korea felt just like yesterday when you were a college student awake at 3am eating a hot bowl of ramen after a long night of studying. ramen was your favorite thing back then but as you’ve gotten older, the days of being a broke college student turned into meticulous routine based days where all your focus went to raising your daughter, heejin. 

ramen was your favorite, past tense. 

you cut the habit of eating ramen so often because you needed to choose healthier options for yourself, setting an example for your daughter that although convenient and inexpensive, eating instant ramen so often wasn’t the healthiest for you. 

even though you were her mom, your daughter taught you a lot and you were constantly learning as you grew together. she taught you new habits that made living better like learning to take it easy and lounging around the house with your favorite snacks while watching your favorite show was the best way to clear your head and relax. 

you also learned that your previous lifestyle of putting others over yourself was something that would stay with you as you’d do anything for your daughter even if it meant that you sacrifice things that are meant for you if it means that your daughter would have what she wanted. 

the air when stepping outside of the airport is crisp, the snow has melted into a thin layer of water coating the ground and it’s slightly cold but nothing a puffer coat couldn’t fix. you looked over to your daughter who was fiddling with the zipper on her own puffer coat, “bambi, you have to keep your jacket on or you’ll get sick.” you softly tell your daughter as you crouch down to her level, zipping her coat back up and adjusting the hood of her hoodie that she had layered under. she pouts to herself but ultimately knows better than to argue because she knows mom is right and because she hates being sick. 

when heejin was 4 years old, she had gotten a cold for the first time and although she enjoyed being at home cuddled up under a fuzzy blanket with her favorite plush toy; she hated having a runny nose and being forced to take the yucky medicine, her words not yours– although you agree. 

your phone rings and karina’s contact photo lights up on the screen, “hi, yn! i’m here, what pick-up area are you at?” she asks on the other end of the phone, slightly louder than usual so you assume she’s yelling into her car’s built in phone call feature to avoid having to drive with her phone in her hand. you tell her that you’re at arrivals 12 and soon enough you can see karina driving up to you and heejin in her silver suv. karina is your best friend, sister even, you have known each other since you were little, even though she was only a few months older than you she was often that older sister you never had, guiding you through new experiences together and you just wished that when you grew up together, you realized sooner that she was also navigating those new experiences alongside you. 

“yn!! it’s been so long!!!” karina cheers as she steps out of her car, rounding the vehicle to give you a warm hug, rocking the two of you side to side as you wrap your own arms around her. “been too long.” she says, emphasizing the words like you were away for a long time. in a lot of ways you were. 5 years is a lot of time away from someone but to you those 5 years went by so much faster.

“is this heejin?” she asks, crouching down to your daughter so she can greet the child. “hi heejin, im aunt karina but you can call me rina, ok?” she says, softly shaking heejin’s small hand with two fingers. “hi auntie rina!” heejin says happily, throwing her hands into the air with a smile. 

your daughter was probably the most cheerful and joyful child you’ve ever met. she never threw fits, rarely cried after the age of 2, and was very social with strangers. flashing her cute smile that would instantly melt stranger’s hearts garnering you a, “such a cute baby!” every time they’d see her. 

karina stands back up straight and helps you pack your luggage into her trunk, “is this all you brought?” she asks and you explain that you didn’t want to pack too many things because moving with a lot of belongings would make it difficult. you had only flown with 4 suitcases and had 2 boxes shipped over from your old home. opting to only take what truly was important and other material things could simply just be repurchased. 

you and karina share another hug before strapping your daughter into her carseat and taking a seat into the passenger side of the car. you and karina catch up like no time has passed, acting like you two were only separated for a few days when in reality it was 5 years. of course the two of you spoke on the phone every now and then while you were abroad but the time difference interfered. 

“how was seattle? do you miss it already?” she asks and you have to think about the question. do you miss seattle? or were you happy to be back. 

“i'm not sure to be honest. i don’t think ive been away long enough to miss it yet.” you simply say and she nods, “well i know you must’ve seoul. i know we missed you.” she says, glancing over to you 

you smile at her remark and tell her that you’ve missed korea and her a lot. those 5 years in seattle went by fast because of your daughter but being away from all of your friends and even your parents was tough. you stayed with your aunt and uncle who lived in seattle who so kindly opened their home for you and 2 years after giving birth to heejin, you had enough saved up to get the two of you a small but perfect 1 bedroom apartment. it was enough for the two of you but to your daughter it was like she was living in a castle; and that’s all that mattered– knowing your daughter was happy. 

“you ok?” karina asks and you’re brought back to reality. “yeah, just reminiscing i guess.” you respond and karina chuckles. 

“don’t tell me you’re already thinking about going back? you can’t leave just yet, i’m not letting you go.” karina retorts and the two of you burst out into laughter. you reassure her that you weren’t going to leave korea any time soon and that you’d have ample amount of time together to catch up and make so many more memories. 

“plus, i’ve got 5 years to catch up with my favorite niece. right, heejin?” she asks, looking over to your daughter in the rearview mirror. “yes aunty rina!” heejin says cheerfully. you laugh at them both and give karina a funny look, “she’s your only niece dude.” you say and karina shrugs, “and? she’s still my favorite!”. 

the rest of the car ride is filled with more chit chatting and laughing, happy that the two of you are finally reunited and that you weren’t separated by thousands of miles. soon enough karina is pulling up to your home and she’s quite impressed. while living in the states you had saved enough money to purchase a beautiful home here in seoul. 

it’s not the biggest but it has everything you need for you and your daughter. it has 2 rooms and 2 bathrooms, an office space for your work, a big living room with enough space for your daughter to run around in and a backyard for the same reasons. you were happy to have gotten to this point in your life and you were so happy to have a life like this with your daughter. 

karina doesn’t stay long after dropping you off, only staying to help you bring in your things, and do a small tour of your home. “i promise i’ll come back tomorrow! i’ve just got some things i need to finish for work.” she explains and you let her know that it’s fine and thank her endlessly for picking up you and your daughter from the airport. you and heejin wave her goodbye as she drives away. 

you walk back inside still carrying heejin on your hip. “alright, bambi. it’s just you and me, and our new home.” you say softly and heejin smiles at you. 

“just you and me mama!” she says and it makes you smile as you nuzzle your nose with hers. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

the next few days are filled with unpacking boxes, waiting for deliveries of furniture and food, and exploring the neighborhood and town. your car was delivered on your 2nd day back in seoul so thankfully you didn’t have to wait around at home or feel guilty of asking karina to drive you around places since she had her own fair share of responsibilities. 

your other friends have asked you when they could come visit, especially your cousin; jay– who said, “i can’t believe you let karina see my niece and she’s not even blood!” when he found out karina met your daughter before your cousin. 

karina was like your sister but jay was actually blood. jay is your cousin on your mom’s side and you had stayed with his parents while living in seattle until you were able to get a place of your own. he’s a few years younger than you but he was always the wiser of the two of you; he was like the angel on the shoulder of life while you were the devil– however you weren’t evil… just chaotic. 

you, jay, and karina all grew up together so you all had a bond that's unbreakable. people often made comments about how jay was the gentleman he is because of all the women he grew up around and you’d agree. he was the kindest and most mature boy you know and even when he loosened up a bit and got chaotic like you, he was always the level-headed and mature jongseong at the end of the day. 

when you would sneak out with boys in high school, jay would cover for you. 

when you got in trouble for getting a C- on your chemistry exam, jay vouched for you and said that the chemistry teacher at your high school was sexist and punished all the girls in the class. 

when you found out you were pregnant, jay was the first person you called and was right by your side every step of the way up until you were boarding the plane to seattle. 

jay was your rock and you wished he was your brother but a cousin would suffice just as long as he was always there for you. 

you’re about 90% moving into your new home, the last thing that needs to be completed was just tossing out all of the trash and recycling that has accumulated from all of the items you bought or takeout that you’ve been getting so you didn’t have to worry about cooking for the first week of moving back. 

you’ve invited jay over for dinner after he’s insisted on cooking dinner for you and your daughter, claiming that he wants to make a good impression on his niece so he wasn’t necessarily going to take no as an answer, and honestly– a home cooked meal by jay sounded nice. he was a great cook, excellent even, you? not so much. 

you knew how to cook a variety of things but most of it was out of convenience so that you weren’t always eating takeout. your daughter was simple when it came to her taste buds and favorite foods, 80% of the time she just wants to eat chicken and thankfully she doesn’t complain much about having to eat vegetables. however, never brussel sprouts. she hates brussel sprouts. 

it’s around 5PM when you’ve finished putting all of your trash bags outside, giving you just a half hour to freshen up your daughter and you before jay would be arriving. he felt apologetic for not being able to help you move in but you told him that he had nothing to feel sorry for and that you knew he had a busy schedule ever since he took over his dad’s company at the beginning of the year. jay’s dad owned a construction company in seoul and although jay had different passions like music and fashion, he was the type of child to never refuse his parent’s wishes and eventually accepted that he would become the owner when he grew up so there was no point in arguing with his dad. 

he was an only child so it was hard not to feel bad for him and see that he had so many things he wanted to do for his life but was often shortsighted and left responsible for whatever his parents wanted because he was their only child. 

that was probably why you often felt like you needed to bring jay out of shell and loosen up a bit. being so caught up with the responsibilities he had at home, you wanted to make sure that he still had fun as a teenager because his life as an adult was already planned out for him. 

when jay turned 16 you spent all of your christmas money on a guitar he had been talking about for months. jay rarely cried but you remember the pure joy and gratitude in his eyes when he unwrapped the box and saw the familiar leather case he had seen so many times at the guitar shop. you swore you could see his eyes glow from excitement when he unclasped the guitar case and finally saw the instrument on the inside. the fender eric clapton stratocaster electric guitar shined onto his face and you’d never forget the smile on his face as he set aside the guitar next to him so he could get up and give you a hug. telling you how grateful he was and that no one would know how much that gift meant to him besides you. 

after changing yourself and your daughter into a fresh pair of clothes, jay was ringing your doorbell. he barely greets you when you answer the door, placing the bags of ingredients into your arms when you open them for a hug and instead he runs into your home to scoop up his niece into his arms. 

“jinjin!” jay says as he carries her above his head. a nickname they both came up with whenever they’d facetime. 

“uncle jayjay!” she says, giggling at him as he gently tossed her into the air and hugged each other. “yeah i’m here too y’know!” you say, narrowing your eyes at your cousin as you put the bag of groceries down onto your kitchen counter. 

“yn-ieee!!” jay says, setting your daughter down onto the counter next to the groceries and giving you a hug of your own. “been so long cousin!” he says and you hum in agreement. 

“well it’s not like you couldn’t come visit me in seattle!” you say teasingly and jay rolls his eyes, “oh, please! you wouldn’t even let me no matter how hard i tried– plus you know how busy i got after dad passed over the company.” he says and although he didn’t mean it in that way, you felt a slight tinge of guilt. 

“i know, i know jong, just teasing. i missed you.” you say, hugging him again but this time ruffling his hair like you used to do when you were younger. 

“so what’s on the menu today, chef?” you ask as you help him unpack the groceries. 

“yeah, uncle. jinjin hungry!” your daughter says and you and your cousin laugh at your daughter’s remark. as she’s gotten older and has begun watching toddler shows, she’s picked up on their habits of speaking in 3rd person. 

“well, jinjin. uncle jayjay is going to make you ravioli and meatballs. sound good?” he asks, staring at your daughter with a box of ravioli pasta in his hand. 

“ravioli?” she asks and jay nods.

“right, you’re 5; you don’t know what that is.” he mutters and you just chuckle. 

“come on, heejin. why don’t we set up the table while uncle cooks, hmm?” you ask and she nods eagerly– always excited to be a part of the activity in some way or another just as long as she’s included. 

“i want the pink plate!” heejin says as she raises her arms so you could pick her up off the counter and set her on the ground. while you and heejin were at ikea shopping for home supplies, she saw a pink plate with the face of a pig on the top and the tail on the bottom and just had to have it. and honestly, your daughter looked so cute looking at it that you couldn’t say no. as a matter of fact, the plate wasn’t even very expensive and it was cute so it wasn’t a hard decision to say yes. 

jay doesn’t take long to finish cooking dinner; knowing to choose something quick and easy to make so that he could feed the two of you and so he could have ample time to hang out with his niece. 

needless to say, heejin loved the ravioli and was completely baffled at how they got the cheese inside of the pasta– constantly asking jay how they did it as if it was some sort of magical spell to create a ravioli. 

after dinner is over and your daughter insists on dessert, the three of you enjoy some ice cream even though it’s still winter and with jay’s help in convincing you because “ice cream tastes good in every season”. you offered to wash the dishes since jay cooked you dinner and although he insisted on washing the dishes, you told him that it was okay since he could spend more time with his niece instead– to which he didn’t argue. 

the rest of the night was filled with giggles as jay got to hang out with his niece outside of a phone screen. learning so much about her and how similar he was to you. he even got the opportunity to put her to bed when she got sleepy after watching bambi, her favorite movie. 

“bambi, huh?” he asks after the two of you quietly slip out of her bedroom.

“yes… bambi. it’s her favorite movie so i nicknamed her bambi…” you respond, trying to avoid his stare. 

“no other reason?” he asks and you shoot him a glare. “alright alright. i’ll drop it. it’s a cute nickname anyway.” he confesses and you mutter a small thank you, thankful that he’s not prying any longer. 

“i know, she’s cute like a baby deer, what can i say?” 

you and jay find your way into the kitchen, putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and beginning a new topic of conversation. 

“does everyone know you’re back?” jay asks genuinely, not intending to allude to a certain person from your past. 

“yeah, karina and ningning know. i spoke to jake and hoon yesterday and i told them i’d come up with a day they could all come over for dinner.” you explain. 

you had a close friend group going into college. you, karina, and jay all grew up together and early during college you had met ningning, jake, sunghoon, and another… friend. 

the seven of you were inseparable and were always together despite having completely different college majors. you, ningning, and karina all moved in together for the last half of your college career while the guys did the same. you’re all older now and have all of your own lives but most of them kept in touch with you after you decided to move away all of a sudden. 

opting to not ask questions out of respect but always making sure to check up on you every once in a while. 

“should i reopen the groupchat? haven’t seen the silly seven back together in a while.” and just as fast as the words leave his mouth, jay regrets it just as fast. he notices you tense up a bit as you’re putting some dishes away into the cupboard and he realizes he’s made a mistake bringing up your original seven friend group. a certain member becomes a tainted memory inside of your heart that you wished to not remember but are forced to remember in the most endearing and loving way. 

someone you wished you could leave in the past but you’re glad you chose not to as the memory continues to live through your daughter. 

“um, i’ll let you know. i’ve got some things i need to finish up before i start reuniting fully with everyone– plus i still need to get heejin caught up on all of her medical stuff for school so…” you begin to say and jay catches on. 

“ahh, don’t worry about it! just got a bit excited to see everyone back together again. i’ll look forward to it when it comes.” jay says, softly rubbing your back and offering you a smile that you return. 

“thanks jay…” you mutter quietly as you try to avoid his gaze. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

after three weeks of being back home in korea, you’ve finally gotten somewhat of a routine down as you’ve settled into your new home and neighborhood. you’ve got pretty accustomed to being back in korea and although it’s only been five years since the last time you were here; a lot has changed within those five years. 

you’d wake up on weekdays around 6am to get your day started, making breakfast and your daughter's school lunch before you woke her up at 7am to get her ready for school. she hadn’t started school yet back in the states so you wanted to ensure that you enrolled her into school once you had settled into your home. 

she was surprisingly excited to start school and make new friends. her favorite part of kindergarten so far was break time when she and her classmates would spend 30 minutes a day at the playground. she’d come home with unruly hair opposite of the sleek bun or pigtails she had previously had when you dropped her off. 

when your daughter was at school you’d spend the day cleaning around the home, finishing up the last parts of your move that had to do with papers and legal stuff, and would spend the rest of the time before your daughter got off school to run errands like going to the market or getting used to driving around your neighborhood. 

it's about an hour before your daughter is off of school so you decide to quickly freshen up before heading over to pick her up. 

today, you had plans to have an early dinner with karina as you hadn’t seen her since you had gotten there so it was due time to catch up now that you’ve settled in for the most part. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

“where are we going, mama?” heejin asks as you help her into her car seat. “getting dinner with auntie rina, remember?” you remind your daughter and she cheers, excited that she gets to see her auntie rina again. 

“why are we eating early? i want chicken!” she says and you just chuckle at her. “ok, i’ll get you chicken, ok?” you say, kissing your thumb and putting it towards her and your daughter does the same, connecting your thumbs, at the same time the two of you turn your hands 180 degrees with your thumbs pointing downwards so that your hands make the shape of a heart.

it was a small gesture the two of you did, a small way to be connected with your daughter through a special handshake between mother and daughter. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

dinner was filled with laughter as you watched your daughter and karina bond over chicken, your daughter having the time of her life with all of the different flavors of chicken; her favorite being the cheese flavored one. 

“so, when are we getting the gang back together?” karina asks as she places another piece of chicken on heejin’s plate, the both of you watching your daughter pick up the piece of chicken and munch on it like her life depended on it. you tried to tiptoe around her question, afraid that it would only lead to the inevitable that you were constantly postponing. 

karina waves her hand in front of your face as she realizes you’ve somewhat spaced out and reiterates her question, “um.. i’m not sure. i really want to see everyone but you know..” your voice getting quiet at the end of your sentence as you realize only jay, your cousin, knew who heejin’s father was. 

your friends knew of your longtime crush on heeseung when you were all in college and all somewhat knew that you’ve avoided him because of some reason that you haven’t told them. there were theories amongst the friends of why you no longer spoke to heeseung but only jay knew the reason. your friends didn’t want to pry but curiosity always filled their minds whenever they would think about you or see the photos you posted online of you and your daughter. with all of the theories they came up with, no one seemed to put together the most obvious reason and you’d rather keep that way. 

it wasn’t that you didn’t want any of them to know, you just weren’t ready for them to know and aren’t entirely sure when you’d be ready. karina noticed your shift in behavior with her question and chose to ask any more questions. the rest of the dinner was karina giving you suggestions on things you and your daughter could do like activities, sports and extracurriculars, and whatnot. 

“i’ll see you soon, ok?” karina says while giving your daughter a warm hug. the two of you bid each other goodbye and go your separate ways. karina’s question weighs on your mind heavily as you drive home, thinking about how long you could keep this a secret from your friends and also hide the fact that you were back in town from heeseung who just seemed to constantly be on your mind since you’ve arrived back in korea. 

a part of you wanted to see him, you missed him so much, the way he made you laugh, the way he knew you so well that he used to always bring you breakfast during your 8am lectures because you loved to sleep in until the last minute so you never ate breakfast, the way he knew when you were sad, the way he knew you were uncomfortable, everything. 

he knew you so well but that night, that unfortunate night, it seemed that he was the person that knew you the least in the world. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

a few days after your dinner with karina and some encouragement from jay, you finally decided to send out invites to all of your friends to come over for dinner. your place was getting to a point where it was feeling like home and you wanted your daughter to meet some of the most important people in your life. you obviously weren’t going to invite heeseung but you thought about it and you quickly found yourself shutting down that idea. 

“hi guys! please let me know if you’re free this saturday around 6pm! i’d love for all of you to come over for dinner and meet heejin! if it’s okay could you all bring a small dish? heejin isn’t picky but she is allergic to fish so keep that in mind. she’s very excited to meet her uncles and aunties!”

karina: i’m always free for you! minjeong: i’ll bring the chicken hehe jake: lets goo!! can’t wait to meet little yn! sunghoon: i already know i’m gonna be her favorite uncle jay: yeah right i’m her favorite already, nice try bro

all of their responses made you smile and for once you weren’t stricken with the anxiety of the past and how all of this could crumble down onto you– but you were dedicated to not letting that happen. you missed your friends dearly and being surrounded by your loved ones you haven’t seen in years was long overdue. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

friday rolls around a lot sooner than you expected, which you didn’t mind because it was all you were looking forward to after spending the weekdays trying your best not to spiral. you were constantly thinking about what would happen if they brought up heeseung or if he miraculously showed up unannounced and uninvited. you made several dishes as the main course and set up your kitchen so that everyone could eat buffet style. 

there were rolls of kimbap that your daughter helped you prepare, tofu stew simmering low on the stove to keep it warm, and other food that you knew your friends and your daughter loved. 

as the day went by and the time that your friends would all slowly start arriving would come, you noticed that heejin seemed to be antsy. like something was bothering her, she was constantly squirming around unable to find a comfortable seat at the dinner table, the couch, or even her favorite bean bag chair designed to look like a peach. she was fidgeting with the hem of her dress so much to the point that she had pulled a loose thread, causing the dress to tear. you were more worried than upset, it was just a piece of fabric it didn’t matter if it broke, although you did keep a mental note not to buy from that store again; so you sat her down to talk about it. 

“bambi.. what’s wrong?” you asked her as you helped her change into new clothes, something she had chosen and although it was more casual than the previous attire she had on; she was way more comfortable in it. she shook her head with a pout, indicating she either didn’t want to talk about it or that there wasn’t anything wrong– and considering her actions moments ago, it was the latter. 

“you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong but just know mommy is here for you ok? i don’t want my little bambi to be sad or upset and feel like she can’t talk to mom about her problems..” you told her softly, fixing her hair as it had gotten slightly messed up while you dressed your daughter. heejin was everything to you, she was your life and blood, she was your light and you’d be damned if you ever made your daughter feel like she couldn’t fully be herself or come to her own mother to help her fix her problems. 

even though heejin was still young, you made sure to make an emphasis on communication with your daughter, teaching her to articulate her feelings and emotions in a way that was healthy to her and those around her– and for the most part, she did that. she often told you if she was uncomfortable or if she was feeling upset about something as small as her socks making her feel itchy– but right now; she wasn’t communicating to you why she was acting the way she was and it left you stumped. 

you weren’t necessarily sure how to go about it. you didn’t want to pressure your daughter to tell you what was wrong but the mother inside of you couldn’t continue without knowing what was bothering your daughter and how you could alleviate her troubles. “are you ok, heejin?” you ask and she once again shakes her head. 

“can you tell mom what’s bothering you?” you asked, lightly patting your daughter's head as you finished doing her hair. 

she looks up at you with her big doe eyes and for a second you see the uncanny resemblance of her and her father. “mama, who is my dad?” the question comes as a shock to you because although she had asked before, she’s never let the absence of her father trouble her the way it has now. your mouth slightly opens at her question but you quickly recollect yourself so she doesn’t notice your demeanor falter, afraid that your expression could cause her more worry if she was to realize how you reacted to her question. 

you so desperately wanted to comfort your daughter, tell her everything you knew about her father and how he lived only miles away; but you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. it may seem selfish, and it was, but you simply weren’t ready to have that conversation with your daughter. even if it broke your heart to see her pleading eyes begging you for a single crumb of information on her dad, you couldn’t do it. it caused you an immense amount of pain to deny your daughter something she seemed to want so badly. 

“bambi, why the sudden interest?” you ask and she goes on to explain that when she was waiting to get picked up from school that day, she saw all of her classmates getting picked up by their dads and it got her thinking of her own, more specifically, the absence of her own father. 

your heart broke even more at her words but you chose to give her the answer that you’ve given her several other times she asked in the past. 

“bambi, your papa may not be here but he’s always in your heart, ok?” and you were glad that it provided her some form of comfort because it seemed like she knew you were going to say that so she closed her eyes and gently placed her small hand over her heart. it was moments like this that made you question yourself as a mother. denying your daughter from someone who was half of her all because of your own selfish intention and pain that you aren’t able to heal from. 

the two of you share another tender moment as you engulf your daughter into your arms for a warm embrace and try your best to get her to smile, which was fairly easy as your daughter was very ticklish. 

just in time, your doorbell rings indicating that some of your friends have arrived so you decide to carry your daughter to your front door to greet everyone. you gently rub her back to further soothe her worries, hoping that the emotional and vulnerable moment the two of you just shared didn’t cause her anymore worries despite the fact that she still had that longing look in her eyes. waiting for the day she could get the answer she was looking for and the day she’d get to meet her dad. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

you’re carrying your daughter in your arms as you open the door to welcome your friends and all of their eyes light up at the sight of you and your daughter. one by one they file inside of your home with a dish in their hands, greeting you and heejin with bright warm smiles. you return with a smile of your own as heejin waves at the strangers entering your home who she will grow to learn are the aunts and uncles that would love her and support her as she grows older. 

once everyone has gotten inside, you point to where they could all settle the dishes they brought and soon enough you’re setting heejin down to introduce her to everyone. 

“heejin, you know auntie karina and uncle jay, right?” you ask her while you crouch down to her, she nods her head in agreement, slightly shy as she still doesn’t know the several other people in the room. 

“this is uncle jake, he has a really big puppy, you like puppies right?” and once again she’s nodding but this time with a smile as she gets excited at the mention of  a dog. when heejin started to learn how to speak, one of the first words she spoke was “dog” and would later on constantly ask you to get her dog when she learned how to form full sentences. 

“heejin, i’ll introduce you to my dog, ok?” jake says with a smile and she cheers, happy that she finally gets to play with a dog since you wouldn’t let her get one of her own. 

“this one is auntie minjeong, can you say hi to her?” you ask and heejin shyly waves her hand and when minjeong waves back and asks if she can have a high five, heejin gives her one excitedly as you’ve taught her that high fives were a gesture of encouragement and sharing a high five with a friend was a good thing so she instantly felt happy when minjeong asked for one, already identifying her auntie minjeong as a friend. 

lastly, you point to sunghoon, “that’s uncle sunghoon, you like the snow right? uncle sunghoon is really good at ice skating.” you explain and her eyes and mouth widen at the thought of ice skating. “ice skating? do you make snow angels?” she asks and it causes the lot of you to laugh; to which sunghoon nods and tells her that he’ll teach her how to make some of her own. 

introductions go very well and heejin is calling everyone auntie and uncle in no time, opening up and breaking out of her shyness once she chats with your best friends some more as she tries all of the food they’ve brought. 

“yn, all this food is amazing by the way but you should’ve let us help more or at least bring more food so you didn’t have to cook so much!” minjeong says as she’s putting away her dish into your sink. 

“yeah, yn. this is delicious but next time let us take care of all of it okay? we’ll be sure to bring all the food that heejin likes. heejin, what’s your favorite food?” jake asks her and she cutely raises the chicken wing in her hand and shouts chicken and once again the room is filled with laughter because of your daughter’s cuteness. you were so happy to see your daughter being accepted by everyone, not necessarily because you thought they wouldn’t but because for the time that you’ve been gone; you were afraid that this drastic change in your life would affect the dynamic between you and your friends. 

but it didn’t. 

at least not completely. 

jake is slurping on his noodles when he suddenly says, “yo, heeseung brought me these noodles one time; it was so good we should all go some time.” and at the mention of heeseung’s name you’re almost frozen in your spot at the table. 

the room is instantly silent when they notice your attitude shift after hearing heeseung’s name. no one besides jay really knows what happened between the two of you and even then you’ve left out certain details from the story because you couldn’t bear to relive the pain from that night just so that someone could fully understand why you did what you did. 

sunghoon shoves jake lightly at his careless action and he soon realizes why the room had fallen silent, he glances over at you with an apologetic look followed by a string of apologies, “i’m so sorry, yn. i shouldn’t have brought him up- i wasn’t thinking.” jake says and you shake your head explaining that it was okay and that he had nothing to apologize for. 

“it’s fine, jake. he and i just don’t talk anymore.” you leave it at that and everyone chooses not to pry because it was truly none of their business. 

before the night ends you all take a group photo with heejin in the middle, you decided to have her sit on your shoulders as your friends crowd around her with warm smiles that could be felt through the photo. you were so happy to see the happiness radiate through the image that you didn’t necessarily care that all of your friends were quick to post that photo, the possibility of heeseung seeing it nowhere in your mind because you were more focused on the love that your friends were giving you and your daughter. 

you bid goodbye to your friends but not before you pack them their own little containers with leftovers because it was way more than what you and your daughter could finish alone. heejin happily waved goodbye to her aunties and uncles and had long forgotten about the sad moment the two of you shared before this dinner. 

she was so happy to meet them and to her they were all just her friends. your friends are equally as happy to meet your daughter and be a part of her life and yours again. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

on the other side of the city, heeseung is scrolling through his social media alone in his bed when he scrolls past the group photo you all took on several accounts. a pang of jealousy budding in his chest as he sees you in the center, happily carrying your daughter on your shoulders. 

heeseung couldn’t help but feel left out but all he could think about was why you hadn’t let him know you were back in town after disappearing for the last five years? 

so, he does what he thinks is right and opens the groupchat he has with the boys. 

“yo, you guys free tomorrow? wanna grab lunch?” heeseung taps into his phone and presses send and in a few minutes, sunghoon, jay, and jake are all responding to heeseung’s text. 

they all coordinate a plan to have lunch the next day. heeseung plans to let it come naturally, bring you up as smoothly as he can without coming off like he wanted to hang out with the guys just to find out information about you. 

but he knew deep down that he was going to get the information he needed one way or the other. 

even if it made him feel crazy because love makes you do crazy things. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

when the next day rolls around and heeseung is making his way to lunch, he realizes that his dreams that night were filled with one thing: you. 

he dreamt about all the ways he wanted to make up for lost time, he dreamt of past memories, he dreamt of you and he slept soundly knowing that you were so happy in his dreams. only hoping that he could make you as happy in real life like how you were in his dreams. 

you were truly the girl of his dreams and now that you were back; he wasn’t going to let you go so easily like last time. 

“whats up guys!” heeseung says as he walks over to the guys who had gotten a table for the four of them. they were all browsing the menu when heeseung arrived and they all did their usual greetings, asking how one another was and all of the normal things. 

they soon order food and jay could tell that heeseung was a bit antsy, sending glances over to jake and sunghoon with a gesture to look at heeseung and they do; realizing his leg hasn’t stopped bouncing since he sat down and he was chewing on his nails– something that he’s never done in the past. 

heeseung could no longer wait, he just had to ask about you even if it made the air between all of them awkward. “so..” he begins and jay cuts him off before he could finish. 

“heeseung, i know you’re going to ask about yn.” jay says and heeseung stops in the middle of his sentence, his mouth slightly ajar as those words leave jay’s mouth. he’s shocked that they knew, was he being less subtle than he thought? or was he just that predictable. 

heeseung and you were inseparable when you were younger, you couldn’t take one without the other coming along, the true meaning of  a package deal. but when you left, heeseung was left with so many questions, none of which could be answered by you as you cut off communication with him completely. 

the rest of lunch consists of the guys informing heeseung about you, small details that they thought you’d be comfortable with sharing with heeseung, and although heeseung wanted to learn more; he was happy to learn anything new about you since you’ve been gone for the last five years. 

they could tell that heeseung’s love for you never died or diminished in any way possible. when you first left, heeseung was a wreck and if they didn’t think he loved you then; his reaction to you leaving solidified that. he didn’t sleep, he cried almost everyday and he would try to write you letters even when he didn’t have an address to send them to. 

it wasn’t until about a year after you had left that heeseung started to somewhat go back to normal. he stopped moping around and he returned to the heeseung all of your friends once knew. but deep down, he and all your friends knew that he would never be the same without you in his life. he threw himself into his work and other priorities to distract himself so he didn’t have to think about you but in the end, it always came back to you. 

he’d be walking on the street and would pass by your favorite restaurant and he’d think about you. 

a song would play and he’d be reminded about all of the times you two would dance and sing along to it. 

he’d see a cloud shaped like an animal in the sky and would remember all of the times you two would spend hours laying on the grass and spotting clouds shaped like whatever your mind could identify it as. 

everything he saw reminded him of you and although it hurt him to think about you, thinking about you was the only thing keeping you close to him when you were unknowingly so far away. 

when the four of them part ways from lunch, jay pulls heeseung aside for a quick chat before he leaves, “hey, i shouldn’t tell you this but…” jay says, whispering something to heeseung and sending him a text. heeseung’s eyes widen at the text and he’s instantly bringing jay into a hug, thanking him for whatever it was jay had told him. 

“yeah, yeah.. don’t make me regret this, she is my cousin; i’ll beat your ass if you fuck this up.” he warns and although he was slightly joking; jay was speaking with some truth because he knew how much all of this affected two people that were so important in his life. 

heeseung slept with a smile on his face later that night, not only because he was excited to be able to see you in his dreams again, but also because of what he had planned for tomorrow morning. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

“heejin! let’s go, bambi!” you call for your daughter as you slide your shoes on. heejin appears with her backpack dragging behind her, taking a seat next to you so she can put her shoes on to which you help her. you’re about to bring her to school, glancing at the clock near your front door when you realize you’ve only got 20 minutes to get her there. 

when you open the door, however, you’re met with a face that you hadn’t prepared yourself to see, at least not for a long time from now. 

“heeseung?” you ask as you look at him, standing at your front door with a smile on his face, flowers in his hand, and eyes as bright as they were when the two of you first met. 

“hi, yn.. long time no see.” heeseung responds, a sheepish grin on his face as he’s finally able to see you for the first time in five years. “sorry, i need to take heejin to school.” you explain, slightly moving him out of the way to lock the door and make your way to your car. 

“let me take you?” he offers and although a part of you wants to deny, you know that heeseung has always been stubborn and that if you were to try to decline; the two of you would just be going back and forth and before you know it, heejin would be late to school. 

so, you reluctantly accept his offer; quickly grabbing her carseat from your car and setting her up in the back of heeseung’s car. “mama, who is he?” heejin asks and you explain that he’s just a friend. “how come he didn’t come to dinner?” heejin continues with another question and you answer with something dismissive and tell her he was just busy. 

“ready to go? don’t want her to be late.” heeseung says and you look over at him and he’s still got that smile on his face like he knew exactly what he was doing and was happy that you were going along with it. you give him a tight lipped smile as you place a kiss onto heejin’s forehead before taking your seat at the front passenger seat next to heeseung. 

in the past whenever you two were in a car it would always be you in the front next to him because he trusted you the most with directions and music but mostly because he loved being able to see you next to him.  it was such a simple and innocent thing to be so close to you even if you were just sitting next to him but it never failed to make his heart race whenever you would look over at him, catching him staring at you when he needed to be focusing on the road. 

you’d tease him by saying, “eyes on the road” and talk about how you’ll crash if he keeps staring at you and he’d just respond by saying he would never hurt you or do anything that would put you in pain. 

heeseung tried to keep that promise and broke it without even knowing that he did. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

“bye heejin, have a good day ok?” you send your daughter off to school, watching her small figure skip away as she waves and greets the friends she sees as she walks into school. “she’s adorable.” heeseung says as you turn towards him. a part of you slightly forgetting that he was there because all of your focus was set on your daughter. 

“thanks.” you mutter, barely above a whisper. 

“wanna grab breakfast? my treat.” heeseung asks, a cheesy grin on his face as if he’s using his smile as a way to convince you to say yes; it worked… just a little bit. 

“fine.” you say while rolling your eyes, a part of you only saying yes because you had nothing better to do and he was the one that drove. the car ride was silent, filled with awkward tension as you couldn’t get comfortable in your seat knowing that you haven’t seen heeseung in five years and had no idea where this was going to go. would everything be the way it was before you left? or would it be filled with boiling tension that would eventually blow up. 

heeseung was fiddling with the steering wheel, tapping on the leather of the wheel, messing around with the car compartments, and constantly clearing his throat to drown out the silence that was so loud. 

“so��� how’ve you been?” heeseung asks, slightly looking over at you as if he was suddenly nervous to make eye contact, fearing for how you’d react. 

“okay.. yeah i’ve been ok.” keeping your answer short so that you didn’t end up saying more than you wanted. you weren’t sure how comfortable you’d become with heeseung, someone who you once would’ve associated with the word “comfort” now was more closely aligned with “unknown”. 

“thats- thats good..” heeseung stutters. 

he doesn’t ask any further questions after he’s taken notice that you weren’t inclined for small talk or maybe just talking to him in general. which he couldn’t blame you for, you haven’t seen each other in five years and he understood that things were a lot different than before. 

you and heeseung used to be able to talk about anything and everything, whenever one of you or both would be stressed; you’d just talk for hours about anything to distract yourselves from whatever was troubling your minds. one time the two of you had even spent 63 hours on facetime, uninterrupted because you were both away from each other for the first time and couldn’t stand being that far away. 

the two of you were only separated for a weekend but it was too long for either of you. 

“order anything you want, ok?” heeseung says as he looks at the menu, browsing for what he wants to eat. you mirror his actions but you lift the menu a bit higher to cover your face because you were a bit shy. you didn’t know how to act around heeseung anymore and felt like shielding yourself away from. 

“are you two ready to order?” the waitress asks and quickly jots down your order, coming back momentarily to drop off your drinks and returning about 20 minutes later with the food you had ordered. heeseung had ordered ramen for breakfast, it came on a small personal burner so that it remained hot as he ate. you slightly smile to yourself, trying your best to hide it because this habit of heeseung hasn't changed in that aspect. 

heeseung always loved ramen, it's his favorite. 

you had just gotten rice with some grilled meat and a fried egg, something simple but delicious. heeseung is busy slurping on his noodles when you decide to break the silence, “how did you find me, heeseung?” you ask, causing heeseung to choke a bit on his food at the random question. 

he quickly apologizes, grabbing a tissue to wipe his mouth before responding, “oh, yeah about that. don’t be mad but jay told me. it’s not his fault though, i practically begged him.” heeseung says, eye widening as if to prevent you from getting upset that jay had given heeseung your address without permission. 

you were a bit upset, especially because jay was the one that knew what happened with everything out of all of the people in your life. you made sure to bring this up to your cousin when you had the chance, keeping in mind that jay would get a piece of your mind about this. 

the rest of the breakfast was filled with the same awkward tension as you two ate your food in silence, every once in a while asking each other questions for some small talk but nothing that the two of you talked about did anything to cut through the awkwardness. when you and heeseung finished eating, he kept his word about taking care of the bill, and although you wouldn’t have cared if he didn’t, it was nice because it felt just like old times. 

back in college, when you and heeseung were little broke college kids; he always paid no matter what it was. a late night snack? heeseung paid. you were craving boba? heeseung paid. it was your birthday? heeseung paid. even when it wasn’t food, heeseung paid because he loved taking care of you even in small matters like paying for your things. 

a sign you should’ve seen sooner that heeseung saw you as more than just a friend. 

“thanks for breakfast and dropping off heejin at school. have a good day, heeseung.” you say while exiting his car. you’re startled by heeseung’s sudden action when he shouts when and runs out of the car and around to your side, you give him a confused look from inside of the car as you watch him. heeseung closes your door and reopens it for you, “madam.” he says, while gesturing with his hand and a slight bow. 

you couldn’t help but laugh but when heeseung raises his head to look at you, your expression instantly changes because you didn’t want to give heeseung the satisfaction that you found it amusing. you were still upset at heeseung for something of the past and although it’s been harbored inside of you for years on end, you couldn’t help but feel it slowly rising back to the top ever since you had returned to korea. 

heeseung walks slowly behind you as you make your way to the front door like a lost puppy and when you get to unlocking your door,  he clears his throat, gaining your attention. 

“look… i know we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years, but i’m not going to act like it wasn’t the hardest five years of my life. you kind of just disappeared without explanation and when i tried to reach out… i didn’t hear back. 

i had even asked our friends and they didn’t have anything to tell me, i mean- i knew jay would’ve known because he’s your cousin but he didn’t tell me anything. 

can we please just talk?” heeseung was rambling and you felt bad because you could tell he was a bit anxious and probably rehearsed this in his head. 

“yn.. i missed you so much and i tried to practice what i wanted to say to you when i saw you again but i’ve just thrown that all out the window. 

say something..? please?” and you could feel yourself slowly falling back into that old familiar place. the one where you could look into heeseung’s eyes and you could tell how he was really feeling even if he tried to mask it with his rambling. 

“heeseung, why don’t you come inside and then we can talk… not out here..” you said with a chuckle and heeseung eagerly nods, a smile on his lips at the invitation into your home, a stepping stone back into your life. 

you don’t know where this conversation was going earlier and now that it’s almost been two hours since you saw heeseung again, you still didn’t know what to expect. 

“can i get you something to drink?” you ask and he lets you know that water is fine so after a few minutes, you return to find heeseung standing in your living room, admiring the photos you framed of yourself and your daughter. 

“you guys look so happy.” heeseung comments as he joins you on the couch, setting the two cups of water in front of the two of you. “heeseung.. i don’t know what to say to be honest. there’s a lot i’ve wanted to say to you and over the last five years, i’ve only wanted to say more. 

i didn’t mean to disappear i just-”

“then why? why did you leave?” heeseung says, interrupting you and his eyes have transitioned into one that expressed that he was pleading, begging, and waiting for an answer from you. an answer that he had been waiting for since the day you left. 

on the other hand, you were too. you had so many questions for heeseung but you knew that you couldn’t get answers without having to answer any of heeseung’s questions. you weren’t sure how to answer heeseung. you wanted to be honest and tell him the full truth but you didn’t even know if you were ready to face that. 

it was five years ago but now, sitting in front of heeseung as he looked at you with tears threatening to fall from his eyes, you couldn’t bring yourself to relive those moments where you felt the most alone, unwanted, and misunderstood person in the world. 

you stuttered to answer and the longer you thought about the more complicated it became in your head. your breathing started to become heavy and your eyes were constantly blinking. you couldn’t look at heeseung any longer because it made you feel uneasy and nauseous, the anxiety of this moment having built up inside of you for so long that now that it was all happening, it was corroding the stability you had worked so hard to build in your head. 

“are you ok, yn?” heeseung asked and his voice sounded muffled to you and as he scooted closer, the image of heeseung in your vision blurred and doubled like he was a mirage. you were starting to get light headed and that was when you knew that you were going to faint, the anxiety had taken over your brain and before you knew it your eyes were fluttering closed and heeseung was catching you in his arms before your body could fall over onto the coffee table. 

heeseung catches you instantly when you notice your body start to go limp, rocking back and forth. he wasn’t sure what happened but something must’ve been bothering you so much that you had fainted in his arms. heeseung tries his best to gently position you onto your couch in a comfortable position, moving your legs into place and softly setting your head on the armrest with a pillow propped up under. 

he admired your sleeping figure and if it wasn’t for the fact that you had fainted, he probably would’ve found this moment cute. it reminded him of the first time heeseung had realized he liked you more than he thought he did. the two of you had gotten very drunk one night after failing your economics exam and you had a habit of getting sleepy when drinking. 

you were in the middle of talking when your head started to get wobbly and your eyelids had become heavy and before you knew it; you were falling asleep next to heeseung; your head softly landing on his shoulder like a makeshift pillow. he found it cute and he still does. 

⋆˚ʚɞ five years ago

you had been texting with heeseung all night, he had been going through something and although you wanted to know what it was; you settled on just making him feel better. like a good friend would do. your crush on heeseung has something your friends had known about for a while and although you’ve wanted to confess your feelings to him for a while now, you were too afraid of ruining your friendship and it potentially affecting your whole friend group. 

heeseung was currently on his way to your dorm and it was like you were waiting for a blind date. you fidget with the tassel on your throw pillow as you wait for him on your bed, running through the different scenarios in your head of what’s been bothering him. 

he was fine the last few days but today something had shifted; heeseung felt like he was carrying something heavy on his mind and it was showing. he had sent you a string of messages that represented someone on the verge of a crash out and all you could do was worry for him, eventually inviting him over so you could talk and find a way to make him feel better. 

to which heeseung accepted instantly as if that was what he was waiting for. 

after a few minutes, a knock on your door softly echoes throughout your dorm as you’re just about to text heeseung if he was alright. “hee-” you say, getting cut off when heeseung storms into your room, breathing unsteady as if he had run over to you. 

“what’s wrong, are you ok?” you ask, worry settled onto your face as you shut the door behind you. 

heeseung is standing facing away as he tries to catch his breath, unsure of how to talk to you about what has been weighing on his mind heavily. a reality that he’s finally chosen to come to terms with despite thinking it was all his delusions until recently. 

“hee?” you ask again and he whips around to face you, your expression softening when you see that it looks like he hasn’t slept and looks absolutely exhausted. his eyes were red, cheeks a bit sunken, and the shadows around his eyes were more prominent. he looked like he’s so emotionally and physically drained you couldn’t help but rush over to him, cupping his face in worry– rubbing his cheek with your thumb and you could feel heeseung melt into your hand. 

his eyes flutter closed as he breathes a sigh of relief; like your touch alone was enough to soothe his mind even though the reason for his distress partially had something to do with you. you guide heeseung to your bed and you can’t help but frown at his appearance, you didn’t know how long this has been going on but it seems that it was enough to reflect on his face. 

“hee? are you ok?” you ask and he finally takes a deep breath before responding, “yn.. i just want you to know that i don’t want any of this to change us.. and i hope we’ll be okay after this but-” heeseung begins. 

“heeseung you’re scaring me..” you whisper, anxiety building inside of you as heeseung tries to avoid eye contact with you. 

“just- please listen.. i don’t want you to think of me any differently after i say this but…

i think i love you.” 

and when those five words leave heeseung’s lips, everything goes silent. 

you’ve been wanting to hear heeseung say those words for so long, wishing that he would reciprocate your feelings, confess his love to you the way you’ve been too afraid to confess to him, and now that he has; you didn’t know what to do or say. 

heeseung was finally able to look into your eyes, looking for an answer because the silence after his confession had him thinking that he shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. 

“please, say something..” he whispers, voice trembling like he’d be in tears at any moment. 

“hee… i just-” when you try to respond even though you weren’t sure what to say, heeseung brings his hands to your face and brings it closer to his; “please tell me you feel the same way or else i might go insane.” he whispers, his lips just a few inches away from yours. 

heeseung’s gaze trails from your eyes down your face and lands to your lips, heeseung absentmindedly licks his own as if it were a physical reaction to seeing yours. “i do heeseung-” you begin but before you could finish your sentence; his lips are on yours. 

the dryness of his lips instantly disappears as your two lips dance with his. a kiss that both of you had been longing for since you two have first met, like there was tension between the two of you that could only be relieved with one another. everyone in the room could feel it but neither of you ever wanted to confront that no matter how badly you wanted to. 

heeseung pulls away for a moment, allowing the two of you to catch your breath; “i’m sorry, i should’ve asked but i just couldn’t wait any longer..” heeseung murmurs, his bedroom eyes glued onto yours as you try to gather your thoughts. you had been waiting to share this moment with heeseung for so long but for some reason it wasn’t like how you’d dreamt.

“heeseung, this is wrong.. what about your girl-” you’re about to bring up heeseung’s girlfriend but he just shakes his head. “you’re the one i want.. it’s always been you” he says, connecting your lips once again, the kiss being just as passionate and filled with hunger like you’re both deprived of the other. 

your dorm was soon filled with you and heeseung’s pleasure, a craving that was finally satisfied after so many years; finally having you in his arms. you never thought this day would come and although you thought that it would never come; you were going to cherish this moment with heeseung. 

the next few days felt like a dream. you and heeseung were inseparable and it’s everything you had hoped for when you used to think about how your life would be after confessing to heeseung about how you truly felt. 

only for him to confess first, leaving you shocked that he felt the same way. 

the conversation after that night in your dorm room was a bit awkward but the two of you quickly learned to laugh it off and move forward with your relationship. you had agreed that you’d keep this between yourselves for now because you were unsure of how it would affect the dynamic of your friend group. you even held off from telling jay, your cousin, who you told everything to. 

it was hard for the first few weeks to hide your relationship with heeseung because whenever all of you were together, you wanted nothing more than to hold his hand or sit on his lap, the tension from before being converted to secret longing glances and smiles that you two would try to hide from your friends. 

the good lasted for only a few months, until the fateful day that would change your life forever. you had woken up feeling like a ton of bricks had fallen on top of you while you were sleeping. you were fatigued, nauseous, and spent the morning hunched over your toilet as you threw up your dinner from the night before. 

you weren’t sure why your body was suddenly feeling unwell so you made a trip to the pharmacy to grab some medicine, browsing the aisles to see what would help with your symptoms, and that was when your eyes landed on the sleek white box towards the end of the shelf. 

“pregnancy test: accurate results in just under 10 minutes” it read on the box in bright blue font. there was no way that could be the cause of your distress, you didn’t have sex with anyone else besides.. heeseung… that night.. three months ago. 

your mind starts to spiral as you think about the possibility that you could be pregnant with heeseung’s child as that night replays in your head– now just remembering that the idea of a condom was absent from both of your minds as you were both in the heat of the moment, exploring one another’s bodies. 

frantically grabbing a few boxes, you make your way to the cash register but are stopped in your tracks when a voice calls out to you; “yn?” and when you turn around it’s heeseung’s ex-girlfriend. 

the conversation with her was short but awkward. she just wanted to clear the air, letting you know that she had no animosity towards you or heeseung and that she wished you two the best. which confused you because you certainly didn’t tell her and know that heeseung wouldn’t have told her without discussing with you first. when you asked her to clarify, her explanation only heightens the mental distress you were currently in. 

“heeseung and i broke up a few months ago and i just figured you two would be together by now..” was all she said before walking away. 

the night that heeseung confessed his love to you and where you had shared one of the most intimate moments two people could experience together; also happened to be the same night that heeseung broke up with his girlfriend. 

leading you to believe that it was the only reason he felt so inclined to be with you. like you were just some rebound that heeseung knew would be waiting for him like a lost puppy who had been left at home all day, knowing that if he called out to you– you’d come running to him. 

you were a rebound. 

did he even mean anything he had said to you or was it all just a way to get you to play along with his desires? did he even know you felt that way about him? and he used it as a way to get what he wanted? 

you felt disgusted knowing that the moment you shared with heeseung that you had been waiting for was merely just a way for him to get over his ex-girlfriend. a second option that he knew he could fall back on but not in the same way that he would’ve been supported by his friends who he could fall back on during a hard time, but more so like you were just a stepping stone and a temporary fix for the despair he was in that night. 

using you to forget his ex if it meant that he would feel better at your expense. 

it feels like the ten minutes that you were waiting for the pregnancy test to be ready was the longest ten minutes of your life. “less than ten minutes, my ass” you scoffed as the clock showed it’s been ten minutes and the results weren’t being shown through the small indicator window yet. 

your head falls back in annoyance and to your surprise, the next time you look at the test, a giant plus sign is clearer than day. you swallowed the dryness in your throat, throwing the test into the garbage and ripping open into the two other boxes you bought to test again. 

refusing to believe that the first one was accurate, like it was a fluke, a false positive, anything to convince yourself that this was not happening. 

but it was. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

when you wake up, about an hour later, you almost don’t recognize where you are until you realize you’re wrapped up in a blanket on your bed. you remember being on the couch but don’t recall how you ended up on your bed. you sluggishly roll out of your bed, eyes half open as you scratch your head and make your way to the living room; only to find heeseung sleeping soundly on your couch. 

shock shoots through you as the memories of what happened before you fainted return to your mind, remembering that you and heeseung had reunited after not seeing one another for the last five years when he showed up unannounced at your front door. 

you slowly walk over to him, momentarily admiring his peaceful face as he snoozed on your couch, clutching onto the small pillow with his arms. “i know you’re staring at me.” heeseung murmurs, opening one eye to look at you; a grin on his face when he sees the annoyed look on yours. 

“what are you still doing here?” you ask, crossing your arms and tilting your head to one side as you questioned him. “wow, already kicking me out? if we were in college you would’ve begged me to stay while you tried to convince your roommate to leave.” he says, sitting up straight with the same playful smile on his lips. 

“okay, if you’re gonna stay then i guess we need to have this talk don’t we?” you ask, swallowing the lump in your throat as you try to muster up the courage to have this conversation after it led you to faint just an hour prior. you take a seat next to heeseung, much like how the two of you were positioned earlier and the night when  he showed up at your dorm, both of you sitting on your bed; looking into each other’s eyes as if you were the only two people that existed. 

holding one another so closely like at any given moment one of you would be torn away from the other. only if heeseung knew that you would be torn away from him months after, maybe he wouldn’t have made the decision he did that night. 

but that night was nothing that he’d ever regret. 

“so.. where do i begin.. you say trying to think of how you wanted to start– 

that night, when we hooked up in my dorm room; i know why you showed up. when you told me that you loved me it was everything that i could’ve hoped for. i feel like i started to fall for you the day we first met and every day since then i fell for you even more but i just thought that i wasn’t someone that you could ever love. 

so, even though it hurt me, i settled with being okay with just being friends; because it was better than not having you in my life at all. 

but when you told me you loved me that night, i was the happiest girl in the world. until i wasn’t. i felt like the few months that we were dating was the happiest moments of my life, obviously not compared to now because i have my daughter, but i’ll cherish those moments forever because it truly made me so happy to be with you–” 

“then why did you leave?” heeseung pleads, begging for an answer as you somewhat tiptoe around it. “a few months later, i ran into your ex while i was in the store and i found out that the two of you had broken up the same night we hooked up…” heeseung was now shaking his head in denial at what he was hearing. 

“heeseung, you used me as a rebound for your breakup– no, yn. that’s not true. i promise i would never do that to you.” heeseung whines, shaking his head in frustration that you’ve harbored this misunderstanding about him for the last five years which drove you away from him. 

⋆˚ʚɞ five years ago, two days before moving away

“why have you been so distant?” heeseung asks, his doe eyes looking at you as he pleads for your attention, lights reflecting in his eyes that made it look like he was tearing up, and he was trying his best not to cry in front of the girl he’s loved for so long. 

you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him, this battle inside of you that you’ve been going through on whether or not you wanted to tell heeseung the life changing news, your oversized hoodie covering up the secret you have. 

“heeseung, i just don’t think we can do this anymore.” was the only thing you could say before having to do the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. 

walk away from the boy you’ve loved for so long. 

heeseung didn’t know what he had done that led you to breakup with him but he held onto this idea that you hated him ever since. he respected you enough to let you walk away from him even though it took every ounce of strength inside of him to not run after you and engulf you in his arms. he would’ve begged you to stay if he could, but he didn’t. 

not running after you and fighting for your love was his biggest regret. 

two days later, he’d find out from jay that you left the country and although he begged and begged jay to let him know where you moved to, how to reach you, and to help him get in contact with you; jay respected you too much after learning what led you to leave to just set you back by allowing heeseung to waltz right back into your life. 

jay tried his best to not let his judgement of heeseung be clouded by what you told him, but he couldn’t help but feel empathy towards you. his cousin who’s life was going to change drastically because of his best friend and all he could do was support you from afar even if it meant helping you move into his childhood home where jay’s parents would be there for you to help you throughout the whole thing. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

“heeseung, this is all too much for me right now. i want to have this conversation, i’ve thought about it every day for the last five years, but i don’t think i’d ever be ready for it. 

i think you should leave.” 

and as much as heeseung wanted to stay, beg for you to let him stay and talk it out, but he respected you too much to fight with you. 

so just like that night, he walked away even if he didn’t want to. 

you sighed as you closed the door behind heeseung, peeking into the small window beside your front door to watch him leave, shoulders low and head hunched over as he walked to his car. you close your eyes and exhale before swinging the door back open and calling for heeseung, “heeseung!” you shout and he’s instantly whipping around at the sound of your voice. 

“heejin’s birthday is in two weeks, you’re invited if you’d like to come.” and heeseung’s attitude changes, a bright smile spreading onto his face as your words ring like church bells in his ears. 

“i’ll be there.” he says before waving goodbye and driving off. 

a small smile tugging on your lips as you tried your best not to feel like that young girl you once were whenever you’d get shy around heeseung. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

the next two weeks is filled with heeseung’s endless attempts to make his way into your everyday routine whether it was showing up again unannounced to take heejin to school, to which she’d never deny because heeseung always brought her the juice box she really likes, or if it was him asking you if you needed help with anything for heejin’s birthday. 

heeseung was going to find his way back into your life even if he annoyed you– but all you had in your mind was her birthday despite heeseung’s attempts to occupy your every waking thought. 

the build up for heejin’s birthday was filled with excitement and anxiety as you tried to make her 6th birthday something special because it would be her first birthday in korea. in the past, her birthdays in seattle was mostly just you and her, sometimes your parents would fly in town to visit but not often. 

and now that you’re back in korea and surrounded by so many people that loved you; you were going to make sure this birthday was something that she remembers. her birthday was in just 24 hours and everything was set in place. 

it was somewhat difficult to keep everything hidden from her because she was one curious girl and was constantly rambling about what she wanted for her birthday, unicorns, rainbows, the color pink, a cake that was chocolate but also vanilla and had strawberries, the color pink, a pinata that was shaped like bunny or maybe a unicorn, and oh, did i mention.. pink? 

pink was her favorite color and it showed with every since thing she always picked out for herself was pink. 

at midnight when the clock indicated that it was finally her birthday, you snuck into her room as she slept soundly with a small cupcake and a number six candle in the center. you gently walked over to her and softly sang happy birthday, waking her up and her eyes instantly widened at the sight of you. 

She was smiling from ear to ear and clapping her hands together in joy. “happy birthday my sweet bambi.” you said after singing happy birthday, softly patting her head as she makes a wish and blows out the candle. 

“thank you mama.” her small voice coming out just above a whisper. “sleep now, okay? you have a big day tomorrow.” booping her nose as she enthusiastically goes back to bed, eager to fall back asleep and wake up the next morning to her big day. 

birthday preparations started earlier for you as you made sure to do some last minute cleaning and organizing for the party. setting out all of the stuff in your backyard with the help of jay and your parents. your mom busied your daughter so that she wasn’t running around and to stop her from looking through every single thing at her party. 

she was so happy, a type of happiness you wished would stay with her forever. 

soon after, the preparations were complete and heejin was dressed in a sparkly pink dress, one that she had picked up several weeks in advance when the two of you were shopping together on a mommy and daughter date. 

your friends, sunghoon, jay, jake, karina, and winter had shown up with gifts that made your daughter smile so bright. her classmates had shown up, excited to celebrate heejin on her big day– you watched from the side as you took in all of it. some of the people you loved most in one place to celebrate the person you loved most. 

seeing your daughter happy made you happy and that was all you could wish for. 

you took a gander at all of the people enjoying the party when a knock at your front door catches your attention. you jog over to the door and are met with heeseung, a cheesy grin on his face as he carries several boxes in his arms, peering from behind it to reveal himself. 

“i hope i’m not too late?” he says and you just chuckle, telling him that the party was just beginning. you invite him inside, instructing him to set her gifts onto the table in the far side of the kitchen as the two of you join everyone in the backyard. 

you can hear gasps coming from your friends as they see you and heeseung standing together, a sight that none of them thought they’d see so soon. “yo! heeseung, you made it man.” jake says, standing up to shake his friend’s hug as everyone follows to do the same. 

karina and winter send you a teasing glance, the two of them pointing to you and heeseung like you were all kids teasing their friend when their crush walks by, earning them an eye roll as you laugh it off. 

“where’s the birthday girl?” heeseung asks, still holding onto a small gift as he walks back to you. you pointed at heejin who was playing tag with her friends; unafraid to get rowdy with the little boys in her class. “heejin, bambi! come here, you’ve got a gift.” you shout and she comes running as she hears the word gift. 

heeseung crouches down to her size and hands her the gift, “happy birthday heejin.” he says with a soft smile, one that heejin returns. hugging him to thank him, “can i open it mama?” she asks and you gesture her to ask heeseung since it was his gift– earning an eager nod from heeseung who encouraged her to open it. 

heejin tears into the small box, a gasp escaping from her tiny mouth as she sees the box, the gift wrap revealing a soft brown deer plushie with a pink bow and blushing cheeks. she jumps up and down in excitement, her arms wrapping around heeseung’s neck to show her appreciation for the gift. seeing heeseung hug her back pulls at your heartstrings as you watch all of it unfold, an image in your head that you thought you’d never see. 

your daughter and her father sharing a tender moment with an embrace. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

the party dies down once the sun has set and most of the guests have gone. the only people left were your parents, winter and sunghoon, and heeseung. your friends had offered to stay back to help you clean and because your mother was your mother, she wasn’t going to let you clean up alone even if you had your friends to help. 

heejin was in the living room with bright eyes as she looked at all of the gifts she had received, several gifts of stuffed animals, toys, clothes, and other presents that a small child would appreciate. “okay, bambi let’s get ready for bed. you can play with all of your toys tomorrow, ok?” and heejin nods, grabbing the deer plushie that heeseung got her and taking it with her as you help her get ready for bed. 

heeseung notices you and heejin walking away and excuses himself from your mother to which she just nods and tells him it’s okay and she’ll take care of the rest of the chores in the kitchen. heeseung parted with a small bow as he makes his way to what he assumes is heejin’s room. 

winter and sunghoon on the other are glancing at each other, having confirmation with just their eyes as they watch heeseung run after you. 

“you know.. not to be a conspiracy theorist but doesn’t heejin look like.. heeseung?” winter asks, whispering to sunghoon as she walks a bit closer to him. “no, i see it too. also, the nickname? we used to say heeseung looks like a baby deer all the time when we were in college and yn nicknamed her daughter bambi?” sunghoon adds and winter looks at him like he’s just spilled the deepest secret one can hold. 

sunghoon and winter send each other knowing glances as they both arrive at a revelation. 

“hey, you guys alright?” heeseung asks while popping his head into heejins room with a soft knock. you tell him that you’re just her ready for bed when you wave him inside. “thank you for the gift, she loves it a lot. i’ve been looking for that thing for months and i can’t believe you were able to find it.” you tell him and heeseung chuckles.

“it’s no big deal” he responds and you ask him about how he knew to get that for her. “she talks about it whenever i drive her to school, she also mentioned that her mommy calls her bambi and i figured it would make the perfect gift.” he explains, making it a point to reference the bambi part as he knew that was also a nickname he had within your friend group, one that you started. 

you hoped that you weren’t too obvious with that but chose not to dwell much longer on the nickname as it could just be coincidence– although it wasn’t. 

“thank you for the bambi!” heejin says as she walks back into the room in her pajamas. heeseung pats her small head as she climbs into her bed, tucking her into her blanket as you ask her about her day– heejin rambling on about her favorite parts of the day which just turned out to be every single aspect of her party. 

you smiled at her as she went on and on, “but my favorite is the bambi.” she says while stretching her arms out with the plushie in her hands and then bringing it into her arms for a hug. “thank you dad.” heejin says and it catches you and heeseung off guard– heejin herself doesn’t even realize what she’s said as she gets cozy in bed. 

there was a sense of awkwardness between the two of you at the comment by your daughter and it causes heeseung to start questioning things and putting puzzle pieces together. the possibility that he could’ve been heejin’s dad hadn’t crossed his mind once and now that it’s been brought up; it’s all he was thinking about. 

“goodnight, baby.” you say before placing a kiss onto heejin’s forehead and as you’re about to leave; she calls out to you. “mama, can you sing me a lullaby?” she asks and even though you were exhausted, you weren’t going to say no to your daughter. 

“can i?” heeseung asks and you couldn’t bring yourself to say no when heejin looked so excited, so you nod and heeseung takes a seat on the bed next to heejin who was still hugging the deer plushie. 

heeseung then begins to sing a song to your daughter. you haven’t heard his voice in so long, the melodic trill of his vocals, a symphonic honey like sound that lulled your daughter to sleep in no time, her soft snores mixing with heeseung’s beautiful singing. 

when the two of you were certain that she was sound asleep, you carefully walked out of her room and shut the door as softly as you could. as you try to walk back to finish some cleaning, heeseung holds onto your hand and whips you back around to look at him, his gaze filled with love and the same type of longing that has lingered inside of him for years on end. 

“can we talk?” heeseung says and you nod, letting him know to continue. 

“i know that i hurt you when i made it feel like you were just a rebound, but that couldn’t have been more wrong. it was always you, i’ve always loved you and i would always choose you. my ex and i were constantly fighting throughout that week and the day i came running to you was when we broke up but i never told you why… 

we broke up because she realized how much i loved you in comparison to her and it wasn’t fair that whenever i was with her, all i could think about was you. 

i’ve loved you since the day i met you and i just never had the courage to say that, but i would write your name in the sand again and again after the waves have swept it away if it means that my love for you is shared across the seas.” 

tears streaming down your eyes as heeseung’s hands gently cup your face, his thumb wiping your face of your tears. heeseung brings you into his arms for an embrace and when he feels your arms wrap around him, he breathes a sigh of relief knowing that he was finally able to get that off of his chest.

something that he’s had weighing on him for so long and was so happy to finally profess his love for you. the girl he loves and will always love. 

when you pull away from him with a sniffle, heeseung wipes your tears again as you lock eyes, “is she mine?” he asks in reference and you nod, finally telling heeseung the secret that you’ve held for the last five years. 

tears sting heeseung’s eyes at the information and he holds you even tighter in his arms when he hears the news. he couldn’t believe that the beautiful girl he just sang to sleep was his daughter. joy was an understatement to describe the emotion that he was feeling. the type of love only a family could share where they’d do everything to keep the family together and happy. 

you and heeseung spend the night sharing stories of what you’ve missed in each other’s lives in the time that you were gone. tears, laughter, and tender touches shared between the two of you as you do your best to rebuild your relationship from scratch. 

“thank you for giving me another chance.” heeseung whispers as you lay in his arms, the moonlight shining onto your faces, leaving a small white cast into the room. 

“thank you for not giving up on me.” you respond, heeseung placing a small kiss onto your temple before you both drift off to sleep. a type of joy and delight radiating from your bodies that neither of you have felt in so long. something you would have only gotten from one another. 

⋆˚ʚɞ 

you’re awoken to the smell of grilled meat wafting throughout your home, your nose dragging you to the living room to find heejin and heeseung in the kitchen cooking together. “what do we have here?” you ask and they turn to look at you, “mama! he’s teaching me how to make pancakes and bacon.” she says, running over to you and hugging your legs. you pick her up and walk back to heeseung who was setting the last pancake onto the plate. 

“let’s eat.” he says and you all sit at the table together and enjoy breakfast like a family for the first time. a moment that you’ve always wanted to share as a whole family and now that you’ve finally been able to share the truth with heeseung, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. 

“heejin, i have something to tell you, ok?” you tell her and she’s looking up at you with her big doe eyes, identical to heeseung’s who was shyly sitting to the side. “remember when you asked me where your papa is?” and heejin nods, a small pout on her lips. 

“bambi, heeseung is your papa.” and you’ve never seen heejin move so fast before as she’s jumping out of her chair and into heeseung’s arms to which he welcomes her, hugging his daughter with so much love that you could feel it coming off of them. heeseung extends one of his arms to invite you over and as tears fall from your eyes once again, you join in on your first ever family hug. 

you didn’t know when this day would come and you were elated that it came sooner after you had been running from it for the last five years. the happiest moment of your life with the family you’ve created could’ve never happened if you didn’t face heeseung and allowed for him to bare his soul and heart to you. something you should’ve never been afraid of. 

heeseung waited for you every single day, thinking about the day that you’d come back to him and when you’d finally be his. to his surprise, you gave him a beautiful daughter that, although he has a lot of time to make up for, was so happy that he wasn’t too late to watch her grow and be a part of her life. 

no matter how hard you tried to run from having to face this hardship, heeseung was thousands of miles away back in korea waiting for you with only love in his mind. wanting nothing more than to have you back in his life and to never let you go like he had done the first time. 

the image of your broken face replayed in his mind every night when he slept, thinking about the pain he must’ve put you through without knowing the full capacity of what you had to experience alone. he wished he was there by your side through every single step, holding your hand in the delivery room, taking photos of you as your stomach grew, witnessing his daughter’s first steps and first word, everything. 

but now that he was back, he was going to make sure that he didn’t miss anything else. 

you and your daughter instantly became the most important people in his life, knowing that he’d love the both of you endlessly, unconditionally, and forever. 

forever. 

something that he’d always associate with you because you are his forever and now, so is your daughter. 

love should be forever and you were forever going to be loved by him. it was like love and forever was synonymous with you because to heeseung, loving you is forever. 

⋆˚ʚɞ

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[yimpysdiner]

Ridiculously long analysis of Jimmy's dialogue

Jimmy is one of the most fascinating characters that's ever caught my eye, which is why I think the watering down of his character to "comically evil villain whose always snappy and overtly aggressive" is a little lame. Not only is it lame, it misses the point of his character entirely. I enjoy delving into him so what did I do? I went back through the game and took a screenshot of every single word he's ever spoken

Here I just wanna highlight some key character traits I think are often overlooked, his speech patterns, etc. This isn't gonna be some grand important theory thing or whatever, just looking at key points of his personality that I think often get lost when people are writing him. It's important to my lil hyperfixated mind, alright? Alright. I'm gonna be breaking this down into a few sections.

Speech Patterns Humor Observant Mimicking? Lashing out Hopelessness Remorse I won't be going over a few obvious things that have been pointed out time and time again like him talking down to Anya so much, being a major asshole, etc, we all know already.

General Speech :

Jimmy's speech is almost always blunt and to the point, he doesn't spend a lot of time rambling like Daisuke, isn't quite as outwardly analytical like Anya, doesn't throw in a lot of sarcastic little jokes like Swansea. Funny enough, his speech is most comparable to Curly's. I'll get to that later. When irritated he starts making little jabs, gets all passive aggressive. It's only when he's really pissed or pressured does he start swearing excessively. A lot of his dialogue hinges on passive aggression, things you could maybe brush off but still makes you feel a little... off. I don't really have screenshots for this little portion, you'll see it as we go on.

Humor

Jimmy isn't entirely a drag. Sure, he never really seems like the "life of the party," but he has his moments. This is kind of a nothingburger section but I often see Jimmy written as just some miserable grimacing guy in the corner

There's one more where you close utility when Daisuke is trapped in the foam and he says "much better." I couldn't find a playthrough where the player does this to get the screenshots but I have seen it be done before. It may be me over analyzing, but I think his sense of humor and general way of expressing happiness is very dry. It's not that he doesn't, it's simply that he's just not a very excitable person. He likes the little tradition of parties on Tulpar and jokes around with karaoke getting "violent." The sort of jokes he makes are probably all the sort of jokes you might just take seriously because he says it in such a flat tone, it's the kind of thing where you have to really *know* how he is to get.

So he's not exactly the person you're gonna see moping in the corner of a party because he hates it, he's moping because he's just not outwardly expressive in that respect, but he does seem to enjoy festivities and fooling around

Observant

Something I commonly see in writing is Jimmy not being able to read people's emotions or understand *how* exactly to get under people's skin. Jimmy's actually incredibly in tune with how people feel, what their intentions are, and how to use that to his advantage. He's very aware of what people may think of him, what they think of others and what they may even think of themselves. This also sort of ties in to people thinking he's dumb, while he's throwing out lines like this almost completely unprompted :

The cockpit scene is incredibly important to understand him as a character. Rewatching it I was quite shocked *how* much of this was immediately taken and used against Curly in later scenes. A teensie bit of context is cut as to not make this post far longer than it already is, but I'll do my best to fill in gaps.

Just this line here is interesting to me, while he senses Curly is unhappy in his position, he can't quite grasp why yet. This is after he says he enjoys where he is, he feels they are in control in this position.

In this calmer environment, Jimmy is able to understand why Curly feels like this without much pushback, even able to open up to Curly a little saying he feels he's still climbing up that ladder after him, to which Curly provides comfort and encouragement. I think a lot is told about their relationship here but that's a story for another day.

Later on, every bit of this information Curly confided in him is flipped over on him in a fit of rage. Where he was once understanding and sympathetic, he's now twisted those words to make Curly seem like a villain in everyone else's eyes, which he continues to do over and over until judgement day. Every bit of info you give Jimmy is ammunition.

It's crazy to put this side by side and see when given the chance, Jimmy will take whats a perfectly good fear and throw it right back at you and really twist the knife while he's at it.

Other examples of this is his paranoia over what the crew thinks of him, especially after seeing Swansea and Anya talking. This one's pretty self explanatory

Next one I find pretty interesting, after Jimmy finds Daisuke on the floor crying about being a screw up and after seeing Swansea scold him for not being great at his job, he decides to turn that around on him as well.

He is not only very aware Daisuke looks up to people in power but looks up to Swansea in specific. I dunno, I just thought that was interesting when I was looking back through everything. I know Jimmy's manipulation of Daisuke is super obvious and in your face but it just helps add to the whole point of Jimmy knows how to wriggle his way into people's minds, especially when they're vulnerable.

I've hit the image limit and I'm not even half way done, so, PART 2

[gayofthefae]

Thinking about how Will is fully able to flirt but cannot handle being flirted with and the deeper reason that actually is

Will has settled for the idea of never being with Mike. Even referencing coming out to Mike he only ever frames it as not wanting to "lie to Mike" and simply wanting to share "the truth" with who he "care[s] about the most". Never an expectation or attempt at reciprocation. It is consistently based and in reference to how he feels about secrets from his loved ones, and only ever mentioned in reference to actual romance by El.

He has settled. But the thing about settling, part of it inherently that is under-talked about, is the part where you find ways to love your life. Settling is not resigning, that would be super depressing, because when someone settles it is them committing to a lesser life than they had dreamed because more is not an option for them. It is out of their control or the wrong choice somehow, and in those situations, you make the best of it.

So to Will, he will never have Mike. In fact, in all likelihood he will never experience romance. In his entire life - even if he die of natural causes in old age and not monsters at 15. But you make the best of it. And it's logical:

If Mike fully does not reciprocate, is oblivious to his feelings, and repeatedly affirms that he didn't mean what he said that made it seem like he was uncomfortable and he is totally fine - like the audience believes (again, BECAUSE Will believes this and is the one telling this story in s4) - then there are absolutely 0 consequences to having an ambiguous flirt here and there. No one can fault him, it's the closest he will ever get to romance as a queer person, so he takes what he can get. No damage to Mike and El's relationship. No discomfort to Mike. Hell, Mike doesn't even really notice.

So Will's expectation is occasional, one-sided flirting. A sort of playing pretend I suppose. And Mike smiles and that can be part of the game. It makes sense. Because often, he doesn't say anything back.

He just smiles...except for once

I always want to jokingly yell at my screen in this moment "what do you mean you're shy now? YOU initiated flirting with HIM"

but it does make sense given his expectations; given the history I hadn't tracked before from his perspective. Not only are his expectations of a lack of matching energy (as I have pointed out repeatedly before, genuinely should not match if unreciprocated - could even just be the comment vs silent smile thing they had going before) completely realistic, they have also been proven in practice!

And I always want to tease him that he started it but really, he didn't. Because any time he does this, it has 0 intention to "start" anything. Not even this much of an exchange. He's doing it for himself, to play pretend. It's like Mike is breaking the fourth wall.

It was completely plausible for him to act coy and surprised by Mike here, as if Mike had initiated this tone, because even something as simple and small as this had *never been reciprocated like this before*. The rest of the conversation is Mike's traditional pace in terms of romantic-adjacent to Will, but participating in the playfulness is new.

I like to tease him in my head. But Will being flustered by a natural response to his statement and the tone he himself set is logical. Because to Will, in a way, Mike can't see him. Mike doesn't know he's doing this, and Mike certainly can't engage.

This is Mike engaging. This is Mike *participating*. This is Mike acknowledging 'you just pitched me a line, and I'm taking it this time'. And in a way, this is also one of this micro-reveals you get in your life. This is also Mike saying 'I'm not oblivious to it and I never have been, I just didn't engage until now. But now I am. (And none of those smiles were that oblivious either)'.

And the other stuff Mike says afterwards is much more similar to things he's before, so it didn't always click for me the specifics. But I get it now. I get why this is different than all those other times. I get why he grabs the painting on his way out. Will learned something about Mike from this conversation.

It's absolutely tiny. Two lines. But there is one moment in the series where they have truly reciprocated and interestingly enough, it's this. We always get "if we're both going crazy we'll go crazy together" "yeah" "it was the best thing I've ever done" "..." even "the last year has been weird, you know? And Max and Lucas and Dustin, they're great, they're great, it's just-it's Hawkins, it's not the same without you. And I feel like maybe I was worrying too much about El and, I don't know, I feel like I lost you or something, does that make sense? I have no idea what's gonna happen next, but whatever it is, I think it'll be easier if we're team. Friends - Best friends." "Cool." (WILL BYERS OH MY GOD!! 'cool'???)

but this was two-ways. And it quickly ended because then they kinda didn't know what to do, understandably. This is basically a long and queer trauma way of saying that that look from Will is a completely logical moment of "shit, I didn't think I'd get this far".

Analysis on Mike's perspective/behavioral shift to respond in this scene

[djarindroid]

Unspoken

Pairing: Thanos (Choi Su-Bong) x Reader

Summary: Su-Bong's back like nothing happened, is he here to stay?

Warnings: Brief mentions of drug use

Word Count: 2,121

Comments: Hey all! Just a quick question for anyone that reads this bit, in future parts would anyone care if I potentially changed Thanos/Su-Bong's hair colour? 👀

<- Part 5

The morning after your nightmare you’d woken to the faint rustle of movement in the next room. You moved quietly across your bedroom and peered around the doorway. Su-Bong was still there. 

You watched him sitting on the edge of your couch, rolling a cigarette. The paper crinkled between his fingers as a few bits of loose tobacco fell out onto his jeans. His head was tilted down, keeping all his attention on the task at hand.

You had expected him to be gone, you didn’t dare move in case this was some illusion your brain had conjured to comfort you. You simply stood in the doorway, eyes wide as you watched him. 

Sensing your presence he asked, ‘sleep better?’ He didn’t take his attention away from the cigarette in his hands.

You shifted slightly, wondering how long he’d known you were stood there. ‘Urm, yeah,’ you replied, voice still laced with sleep. ‘Thank you for staying.’

He shrugged, finishing the roll up and sliding it behind his ear. ‘It’s nothing.’ 

But it wasn’t ‘nothing’.

The air between you was thick. Somewhere between tension and something softer. Like the aftermath of a storm that hadn’t fully passed. He still hadn’t looked at you, now opting to watch his own fingers tap absently against his knee.

You glanced at the clock on your wall and sighed. ‘I’ve got work soon, I should get ready.’

‘Kay,’ he said, stretching slightly before finally looking at you. ‘I’ll walk you there.’

Your eyes met for a brief moment, sending a shiver through you. His expression remained calm, but you could see he was still cautious, like he wasn’t completely sure where you two stood with each other anymore. Before you could read into it anymore, he looked away again, brushing the stray tobacco from his jeans.

You paused for a moment before turning back into your room and shutting the door behind you. As you pulled on your work clothes you felt overly aware of Su-Bong’s presence in the next room.  He’d never stayed the night before, it felt strangely domestic, too normal given everything that had recently happened.

By the time you stepped out ready to go, Su-bong was already standing and pulling on his hoodie. Without a word the two of you headed for your apartment door.

The walk to your work was quiet, neither of you spoke yet his presence was impossible to ignore. Every so often your arm would brush against his, you weren’t sure if it was intentional or just the way your steps fell naturally in sync.

You stole a quick glance at him, he seemed relaxed but there was something distant about the way his eyes flickered between the pavement and the street ahead.

It felt eerily similar to the last time he had walked you home. The same silence and internal struggle in your mind about whether you should say something. Though this time you had a feeling he was going through the same thing

As you neared the cafe Su-Bong asked ‘What time you finishing?’

‘Uh, I’ll be done at 5,’ you replied.

He gave a small nod but didn’t say anything else. His footsteps slowed as you approached the door. You turned to him, and there was that feeling again, the unspoken tension that darted between you.

You watched as he pulled his hoodie up, giving you a small tilt of his chin as a goodbye before turning and walking off down the street. You caught yourself watching him go, the unease spreading across your chest.

As you pushed the door to the cafe open you were surprised to find your boss already stood watching you walk in. She gave you that same knowing look as she crossed her arms.

‘He’s walking you to work now as well?’ A teasing edge in her voice that you couldn’t help but smile at.

‘It’s nothing,’ you said as you pulled off your coat. ‘He stayed on the couch last night.’

‘Mmhmm,’ she hummed.

You busied yourself tying your apron, trying to ignore the way your heart still felt unsteady from the morning.

‘Well whatever's going on there, I’m sure you two will figure it out soon.’ Your boss said before she turned and went back to the counter.

You hoped she was right, but more than anything you hoped that Su-Bong wasn’t going to just disappear from your life again.

Yet another one of your shifts was spent wondering about Su-Bong, it was becoming a habit now. 

Take an order, check your phone, serve some cake, check the clock, steam some milk, check outside. 

By the time your shift neared its end, rain had begun to fall outside. You watched it streak down the windows, washing away the last of your hope. He wasn’t gonna show up in this weather.

Accepting that, you slipped into the back to grab your things. As you slung your bag over your shoulder you heard your boss’s voice from the front of the cafe. 

‘Oh for goodness sake, you’ll be soaked through, come inside before you catch a cold.’ You smiled, it was no surprise hearing her fussing over someone like that, what did surprise you was what she said next.

‘You can just wait for her in here.’

Your breath caught. He was here, he hadn’t disappeared again. You quickly moved back into the cafe. And there he was. Su-Bong was stood near the entrance, his hair sticking down from the rain. 

You had to stifle a laugh at the sight of him standing stiffly, not knowing what to do with himself as your boss fussed over him, brushing droplets from his shoulders. She turned and reached for one of the umbrellas she kept by the door and thrust it towards him.

You lingered for a moment, watching the amusing scene unfold - him standing in a place that didn’t quite suit him being doted on like a stray someone had taken pity on.

Like he knew you were watching him, he looked up. Your eyes met, and you felt that same shiver from the morning. You didn’t have time to dwell on it as your boss was ushering you forward. 

‘Here,’ she gestured to the umbrella as you approached. ‘You two can share so you don’t get wet.’

You smiled and thanked her before turning back to Su-Bong. He was scratching the back of his head, still looking vaguely uncomfortable.

‘You ready to go?’ He asked.

‘Yeah,’ you stepped forward as he began to push the door open.

He headed out before you, opening the umbrella so you could step out under it too. 

The rain drummed against the umbrella, as the two of you began walking. You tried to not let your thoughts dwell on how close you were, how you could feel his warmth or how you could smell the faint scent of smoke that clung to his jacket. 

‘She like your mum or something?’ Su-Bong asked, nodding back toward the cafe.

You couldn’t help but laugh, ‘no she’s not my mum, she’s just like that with everyone.’

Su-Bong laughed too. ‘Could’ve fooled me, if we stayed any longer she’d be giving me a packed lunch and getting me to tuck my shirt in.’ 

You grinned, this was easy, this is how you two were supposed to be. The lighthearted conversation drifted between you, an easy back and forth that came naturally to the two of you. You talked about your day, a weird customer who insisted on paying in loose change, and about how your boss has been trying to convince you to take up knitting.

Su-Bong hummed in amusement. ‘She’s probably already knitting me a scarf.’

As your apartment building came into sight the conversation tapered off. The air between you was completely different from that morning, the tension was gone leaving you with the familiar comfort he usually brought.

‘You wanna get takeout señorita?’ And there it was. That nickname again, the one you hadn’t heard in nearly a week at this point. The one that had you forgetting everything that happened.

A grin tugged at your lips as you pushed open the door. ‘Yeah I’d like that, but you’re paying.’

Things between you and Su-Bong settled into a new normal. There was still that unspoken cloud hanging over you both, but neither of you acknowledged it. Opting to choose the easy route. 

He never said anything about the four days of silence, never explained why he chose to answer you in the middle of the night and you never asked. But in his own way, it seemed like he was trying to make up for it.

You’d catch him clearing the dishes after dinner, or replacing the flickering bulb in your lamp without a word. If you dropped something, he was bending down to get it before it even hit the floor. He even attempted to fix your wobbley coffee table, he did a pretty good job even if he managed to leave it with a slight lean. 

He never made a big deal out of any of it, never tried to get a thanks out of you. But you understood, this was his way of apologising. And, for now, that was enough.  

Although every time he did something it became harder and harder to ignore the growing warmth in your chest. It was the way he did them, casually, like it was the simplest thing in the world. It was getting harder to pretend your feelings weren’t shifting, harder to ignore the way you found yourself looking at him when he wasn’t paying attention, harder to push down the thought that maybe he felt it too.

But then you’d remember that night.

The dazed, half lidded way he’d looked at you. How you’d wanted to give in to him, to let him pull you close. You kept telling yourself he hadn’t meant it, that it was just the high talking. Yet, you couldn’t quite shake the hope that it had come from somewhere real.

So you never said anything, letting that warmth settle in your chest without giving it a name. Because if you asked, if you pushed, he might disappear again. And you weren’t ready for that.

One evening whilst he was sprawled out across your couch as you watched TV, he said something that made your heart lift.

‘I’ve written some new songs recently,’ he said offhandedly like he expected you to brush past it.

You perked up at his words, he never spoke about his music career. For a split second all you could do was look at him. You’d heard what people had said in the games about him. How his career had started to slip, how he was forgetting the lyrics to his own songs. You’d never mentioned it, not sure if it was something he’d want to go back to.

‘Wait, really?’ You managed to say as you shifted towards him.

He kept his eyes on the TV but nodded. ‘Yeah, got a gig in a couple of days. Nothing big though.’

Your chest tightened, because you knew it was a big deal even if he was acting like it wasn’t, he was trying again. ‘Su-Bong, that's amazing!’

He shrugged but you caught the smile tugging at his lips. ‘It’s just a little set, nothing like what I used to do, need something to get me started again you know?’

‘I’m sure the world is ready to hear some new Thanos material,’ you wiggled your eyebrows at him. 

Su-Bong didn’t laugh, his expression shifted subtly, but still enough for you to notice. He exhaled slowly before his eyes flickered to you. 

‘I’m not using that name anymore,’ he said simply.

That caught you off guard, he was letting go of something so big, something that had defined him, and he was saying it like it was something so simple. ‘Seriously?’

‘Doesn’t feel right anymore,’ he gave a small shrug.

You nodded slowly, it made sense. Maybe this was his way of starting over properly, like he was getting rid of a piece that no longer fit. You could tell there was something else he wanted to say so you remained quiet, giving him the time to think it through. 

‘Anyways, if you’re not busy you could come if you want?’ He cleared his throat, was he nervous? ‘It’s probably not your kinda scene but y’know, if you’re not busy you could.’

The way he danced through the words made your chest ache, he was really trying to act like this whole thing wasn’t important. But you could read between the lines - he wanted you there. And there was no way in hell you were gonna say no.

-> Part 7 Coming Soon Series Masterlist

Taglist: @andersonslove @fallout-girl219 @olasz-2003 @l5byrinth @hotdxdragon @cherrypied0lly @nicklet94 @learninglinesintherainn @tebteb @lotsa-juicy-shit @onecojg @the-iridescent-phoenix @red22wolf

[woniverse-writes]

“Love Letters”

kim sunoo x reader

summary: being in love with your childhood best friend is never easy, especially when they're as widely loved as kim sunoo

word count: 4.7k

warnings: swearing, kissing/small makeout, not proofread, slight angst??

notes: y'all I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but this cosplayer I used to follow back in 2020 makes music, and she came out with a new song today, thus what inspired this impromptu valentine's day fic. def recommend listening to it cuz it's so cutesy

You had always had a crush on Sunoo, but to be completely honest, who didn't? And that is exactly why you had such a hard time confessing your feelings to him.

the two of you had known each other since middle school, almost always being in the same class and joining the same clubs. even now, you both attend the same university and study the same major. You and Sunoo had grown to be pretty close friends throughout the years, which was ultimately a blessing and a curse. it gave you the opportunity to see the deeper parts of him that all his other admirers didn't have a chance to, and believe me, he has plenty of admirers.

Sunoo was always popular due to his kind heart and bubbly personality. His sweet smile and pretty eyes lured people in before they could even process it. it wasn't unusual for people to leave little gifts and snacks on his desk before class, or give him candy on Valentine's Day, or even leave him anonymous love notes in his locker. The admiration, known or anonymous, was not uncommon for Kim Sunoo.

even now, as you both stand in the lobby of the student union, talking to your friend Rei about her club's fundraiser, you could already sense the oncoming affection soon to be directed towards Sunoo.

"So what exactly is the fundraiser?" he raised an eyebrow slightly

"Oh my god, for someone as affectionate as you, you'd think the concept of a valentine would make sense." Rei dramatically scolded with absolutely no genuine malice whatsoever. You chuckled quietly at her attitude, glancing over to catch Sunoo glaring back with an unserious deadpan stare.

"I better have at least fifty of them by tomorrow" Sunoo glanced briefly at the table decorated with envelopes and stickers

"Well then you better drop some cash" she leaned back in her chair and gestured toward a cash box that was decorated with sparkly red and purple hearts. He scoffed sarcastically, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes like a true drama queen

"You really expect me to pay for AND write my own valentines? Some business you're running, Rei" causing both you and her to scoff and roll your eyes at his dramatics

"Alright let's go eat. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would give their money to write you a valentine." you smiled and waved at Rei then began to drag him toward the cafeteria doors

"I know someone who definitely would" the girl teased behind you as she watched you both walk off. Both yours and Sunoo heads whip around to look at her- him with curiosity, you with despair, anxiety, and a bit of murderous intent.

"What?? Who??" Sunoo paused in place as he waited excitedly for the girl's response. She just checked her nails and sighed with a teasing smirk.

"You'll just have to wait and see" Rei shrugged, causing the boy to throw his head back with a groan.

"Girl, literally whatever" he grabbed your wrist and began dragging you toward the dining hall again. You looked over your shoulder at Rei again, who was now giving you a big smile and thumbs up.

After you had finished eating, the two of you walked back to the dorms. You went to Sunoo's suite, which was the floor above yours, like you so often did. after about 45 minutes of just hanging out, you got a text from Rei

kongsuni🥐: come to my dorm for a sec, i need your help with something

You slouched against the couch with a tired groan before standing up and stretching

"Rei needs me for something, so I'll be back in a few minutes" you mumbled, slipping your house shoes on since her suite was on the same floor as Sunoo's. he looked up from his laptop for a second, nodded, then went to typing.

You didn't even bother knocking as you entered the suite, seeing your friend Haewon, who was one of Rei's roommates, sitting on the couch. You waved with a soft smile, getting the same in return, while heading toward Rei's room. Her door was open, so you walked in to see her sitting on the floor surrounded with what looked like materials to make valentines. Rei looked up as she sensed you walk in and gestured for you to sit with her, before immediately going back to work without saying a word

"So... what did you need me for?" you couldn't help but giggle slightly at the scene before you. Rei glanced up again for a brief second

"Aren't you gonna make Sunoo a valentine?" she mumbled softly as she remained focused on her own craft. your eyebrows shot up and eyes practically popped out of your head as you leaned back in surprise.

"Huh?? Why would I ever do that??"

"I mean, I did tell him I knew someone who would write him one" she shrugged, completely unbothered by your slight outburst

"yeah and you really thought that was gonna be me?" Rei sighed, finally pausing her gluing and setting the materials down before looking at you dead in the eyes.

"yes, y/n. I did. because you've been absolutely in love with him since you were 12, and it's only gotten worse since you two have gotten older. Even in the last three years I've known you, I've seen how much deeper in love you've fallen, so I can only imagine how bad it must've been before that. So you're gonna sit down, and write the damn valentine." Rei finished her rant with a huff and once again went back to work, leaving you sitting there with a slightly defeated pout.

"it's not that easy Rei..." she sighed, once again pausing to look up at you with an expectant gaze, causing you to gulp before continuing

"Obviously I've loved him for such a long time, which is why it's absolutely terrifying to risk messing things up. I mean... it's not like I haven't tried to drop hints to see if he's interested! it's just- everything I do is already so normal between us that I don't know how to make it more romantic without actually grabbing him by the face and saying "i'm not doing this platonically, this is romance" ya know?" you enunciated your point by doing as described and grabbing Rei by her face, shaking her gently. she grumbled slightly before pulling away with an annoyed but understanding laugh.

"I guess that does make it hard..." she agreed, leaving the two of you sitting in somber silence for a few seconds. she leans for to grab a few pieces of blank heart-shaped paper and slides them toward you with some glitter gel pens.

"It won't hurt to just write your feelings out though. You don't have to give it to him, just let it out." which is exactly what you did. You wrote about six different love letters addressed to kim sunoo over that hour and a half you spent in Rei's dorm. while she decorated envelopes and cards other people had paid her to put together, you let your feelings flow out onto little pieces of pastel pink card stock. After you finished writing, Rei handed you a stack of envelopes to put your love letters in, which were then sealed up with a wax stamp. you then helped her clean up the mess of scraps and fake rose petals, putting all the sealed cards into the big valentine box that would be displayed again in the student union the next morning. you stood up throwing away the last of the mess as the two of you headed back into the common area.

"Don't forget these" Rei handed you the small stack of envelopes with a knowing smile. You rolled your eyes with a shy grin and thanked her before heading back to sunoo's dorm. once you got back, you immediately tossed the letters into your bag, making sure to seem as natural as possible so your best friend didn't think anything strange was going on.

"what was that about? You were there for a while" Sunoo asked, still positioned at the table with his laptop open.

"Nothing much. She just wanted me to help her finish seal all the valentines"

"oh, were there a lot?"

"Actually, yeah... i'd say it was a decent amount" you shrugged, nodding as you thought back to the many envelopes Rei had thrown back in the box by the time you left.

"Any for me?" Sunoo glanced up over his laptop with a mischievously curious look, raising his eyebrows up and down teasingly. you rolled your eyes and and shook your head with a smile, playing off your anxiety well, before clicking your tongue in faux disappointment

"I didn't personally see any, sorry" you teased with a smile. Sunoo dramatically threw himself forward against the table with a groan causing you to suppress a large grin at his antics.

"Y/n... this might be the first time ever in my entire life that I'm not being doted on" he turned his head to the side to glance over at you with a look of distress. Even though he was obviously faking, Sunoo's pout and sad eyes, along with his cheek squished against the table made him look undeniably squeezable and in the moment it was nearly impossible for you not to jump on him.

"I'm sure you'll survive" you smiled down softly, admiration swimming in your eyes, as you leaned against the arm of the couch. the two of you continued staring at each other. as Sunoo's pout deepened, your smile became harder to contain.

"what's so funny, huh? you find my misery amusing?" he continued to complain, now barely able to contain his own smile as he sat and whined.

"oh, of course I do!" you teased once more, moving to sit in the seat across form him at the table. Sunoo rolled his eyes so hard you thought they would fall out of his head, letting out yet another overly dramatic sigh.

the next morning you were sitting in class when you got a text from Sunoo

divalicious🤩🌞: I GOT A LOVE LETTER😛😛😛 y/n: omg??? from who???? divalicious🤩🌞: idk yet but i just got an email from the poetry club president saying someone sent me a letter and i have to pick it up at the union later y/n: omg waaaaaait

you couldn't help but feel your heart ache a little at the thought of someone once again confessing to Sunoo. even though it was something you'd grown used to over the years, you'd always become accustomed to him shutting them down.

there was only ever one time where Sunoo gave someone a chance after confessing, and it was sophomore year of high school. Someone had secretly placing strawberry milk cartons on his desk before third period study hall every day, leaving cute silly little notes. At first he brushed it off and enjoyed the treat. but eventually he began laughing a little harder at the notes and gushing to you more about this secret admirer. it killed you.

divalicious🤩🌞: honestly it's probably just from one of the guys y/n: you think? would they really waste money on that? divalicious🤩🌞: oh of course they would. have you met ni-ki? y/n: true, true

you tried to push the slight anxiety down and convince yourself that he was right. it probably was just Riki or one of his other friends just messing with him. before you could think too much about it, you received a notification that you also got an email.

📧 to y/n@decelis.edu: you've received a love letter! please stop by the Decelis Poetry Society's table set up in the student union today before 8pm. Any letters not picked up will be send to the mail room for personal pickup.

your eyes widened as you had to stop yourself from physically reacting too much. you honestly had no clue who would write you a love letter, but then you thought back to a few seconds ago when Sunoo assumed it was from his friends. Maybe Rei wrote you one? or Hanni? Maybe even Yujin? surely it had to be one of your friends, so it was nothing to worry about right now. a few minutes later you got another text from Sunoo.

divalicious🤩🌞: got out of econ early, omw to retrieve my love letter🫡

you hearted the message and went back to trying to pay attention to your lecture, but you couldn't shake the anxious feelings. another fifteen minutes passed and your class ended. as you packed up your stuff you got a text from Rei:

kongsuni🥐: hey sugar plum, Sunoo just came by and he got a lot of letters... I just wanted to let you know before he got to you so you had time to prepare your emotions

you felt your heart ache again at the thought of people confessing their admiration for your best friend, suddenly feeling like a hopeless teenager again.

y/n: thanks love. i'm really just hoping they're joke letters from the boys :/ kongsuni🥐: i know, me too :(

you once again hearted the message threw your bag over your shoulder with a sigh as you began walking out of class, heading toward the student union to pick up your own letter. as you were about to walk in, your phone started blowing up again with numerous texts.

divalicious🤩🌞: bouta open my letters- will send updates🙈

kongsuni🥐: Y/n kongsuni🥐: i think something really bad happened kongsuni🥐: i really hope i'm wrong though and just tweaking out right now...

you began typing a frantic response to Rei as you continued your way into the building, but before you could even press send she was running up to you

"Oh my god Y/n- oh my god- you need to help me look through these envelopes right now and help me prove to myself i'm not a terrible friend" Rei grabbed you by the shoulders and whispered frantically as she looked over her shoulder toward the poetry club's fundraising table

"What??? Rei what the fuck is going on??"

"I'm missing like- six letters" there was a brief pause due to your confusion. surely this wasn't something she should be so worked up about

"Okay? it's gonna be okay, we'll find them!" you tried to shed some positivity on the situation but Rei was not having it

"No, y/n. it's not like that! I don't think I have them..." there was another moment of silence between the two of you as you tried to process who might have the missing letters she's referring to.

"...well then who does?" Rei opened and closed her mouth trying to find the right words, before taking a deep breath

"is that the bag you brought to Sunoo's last night..." at that question you felt your heart drop to your stomach.

"Oh my god there's no way..."

"Y/n i don't want that to be the case so please just check your bag and make sure you still have Sunoo's letters in there" she clasped her hands together and closed her eyes as she tried to speak as evenly as possible. your heart shook as you looked at her with regret

"That bag's back at my dorm."

Rei dropped her hands to her sides and pursed her lips. the girls forehead creased as she forced herself to take another deep breath. all you could do was stand there and stare blankly, completely dumbfounded by the possibility of Sunoo actively reading the love letters you wrote him.

"Rei..."

"Yeah?"

"I need to go"

"Y/n I'm so sorry-"

"No, it's okay... they're definitely still in my bag... we would've noticed if i grabbed the wrong ones..." you absently mumbled, trying not to crash out. you began walking back from the direction you originally came from, not bothering to check your phone even though it's been blowing up for the last 10 minutes you've been out.

"Wait!"

you turned around, feeling sluggish and on a different planet as Rei handed you an envelope with your name on it.

"I know right now isn't the best time, but hopefully everything works out and you'll be able to enjoy this after..."

you tried to smile and gave Rei a quite 'thanks' before continuing the trudge back. once you got back to your dorm, you opened the door to see one of your suite mates sitting in the common area.

"Hey! how was accounting?" Dayeon asked cheerily, glancing up from her laptop

"was fine" you mumbled absentmindedly, immediately heading to your room to search for the tote bag you brought along with you to Sunoo's the night before. after glancing around you spotted the bag hanging on the corner of your dresser. snatching it, you began rummaging through the bag, quickly finding the stack of letters tied together with a satin ribbon. you frantically started ripping them open one by one, only to realize none of them were addressed to Kim Sunoo.

it finally dawned on you that the letters he received were in fact not from Riki, or Sunghoon... but the love letters Sunoo received were written by you.

at that point you couldn't even stop the meltdown if you tried. tears immediately began to burn your eyes as you felt your chest contract. you tried to shift as quietly as possible across your floor as you crawled to pushed your door shut to make sure Dayeon didn't hear you cry. not like it would matter since the walls were so thin, she'd hear you anyway. you ran your hands through your hair as you curled up against the side of your bed.

"there's no way... there's just no way..."

you had imagined confessing to Sunoo multiple times before- or rather fantasized about him confessing to you, however it was never anything close to this. of course you'd sat with your thoughts on multiple occasions and thought about the what-ifs, especially the thought of "what if he realizes i like him and he doesn't feel the same, and then our friendship is ruined forever?" but again, that anxiety never came close to what you were feeling in this moment.

it felt like you were hunched over for at least an hour, tears streaming down your face, feeling like you were going to throw up, thinking your world was ending. but then came a soft knock on your door. assuming it was dayeon you sat up straight and wiped your tears, before standing up and opening the door, only to see a very starry-eyed Kim Sunoo. you felt your heart rise to your throat and fora second you honestly thought you were gonna vomit, before you watched many different emotions flash across Sunoo's face in a matter of seconds. you felt more tears sting your eyes again as you tried to force yourself to prepare for the conversation that was about to be had, but you just couldn't gather your thoughts

"What's wrong?" he whispered soft with concern, laying a gentle hand on your shoulder.

"huh?" did he really not think this would upset you?

Sunoo's expression shifted once again from concern to disappointment as he let his hand slip from your shoulder

"Did you read my letter?"

"What??" at this point you were full on crying again, so confused and distraught by the situation, not even really processing what's actually happening.

Sunoo smiled somewhat sadly, but couldn't help the endeared chuckle that he tried to suppress. he looked down at the floor momentarily, trying his best not to smile at how cute you were in this unfortunate situation. He glanced back up and reached for your hand.

"Are you okay?" it was a soft, genuine question, asked with the same amount of care and attention he's always asked with.

"Sunoo... i'm so confused right now... didn't you open your letters?" Sunoo's smile only grew, even though he was still trying to hold back from getting too excited.

"Of course I did... didn't you read yours?" he rubbed circles on the back of your hand with him thumb. your brows furrowed deeper in confusion, truly lost to what was going on in the world around you

"No, not yet..." you sniffled, wiping more tears from your face. Sunoo chuckled quietly, completely and utterly endeared by you.

"Why not?" he questioned softly.

"I... I don't know" you looked down, avoiding eye contact, not knowing how to explain the situation you were in yet.

"Well I think you should open it... it might make you feel better" Sunoo squeezed your hand and gave you the sweetest, softest smile as you finally met his gaze. you raised your eyebrows slightly, but turned to retrieve the letter from where it was haphazardly tossed on your desk.

you glanced back at Sunoo one last time before he excitedly gestured to the unopened envelope. you sat down at your desk and opened the letter, reading in your head

Dear Y/n, I'm sorry it took me so long to finally get the courage to say something to you. I know we've been friends for years now, and i obviously cherish that more than anything. I don't think there's anyone in this world who has made me feel as special as you do, which is why it's so hard to keep being you friend. I want to love you deeper than how I've been able to so far. I want to show my affection and adoration for you so wholly and openly that it's clear to everyone who my heart belongs to. I know this is so beyond cheesy and honestly kind of stupid maybe, but the love i have for you is just so strong and pure that I couldn't think of a better way to express it. I've tried to come up with the best possible plans of how to confess in my head, yet none of them feel like they'd ever be good enough for you- which is crazy because I know a singular letter isn't anything drastic, but i personally don't think there's any better show of romance than a classic love letter. so again, i'm sorry for making you wait so long my sweet angel, but i hope this letter makes you finally see how hopelessly in love i am with you. p.s. the only reason I even indulged that secret admirer back in high school was because I thought it was you and by the time i found out it wasn't, I had a crisis and realized how in love with you i was, that i figured I might as well try to get over you since at the time it seemed like you had no interest in me. but now that many years have passed, i realize how stupidly blind i was not to see that you did in fact like me like that. but it's okay cuz you've also lowkey been stupidly blind not to see how much i've loved you too lol <3

by the time you finish readin his letter there were teardrops on the page and the sides were slightly crinkled and damp from how hard you were clutching it with your sweaty palms. you glanced over to where Sunoo was sitting on your bed with a watery pout

"Sunoo..."

"I wanted it to be you so bad... I've only ever wanted it to be you"

you jumped up from your desk chair and swiftly moved across the room, throwing your arms around Sunoo and holding onto him for dear life. He giggled into your neck as he wrapped his arms just as tightly around your waist. the two of you stayed like that for a few more seconds before you leaned back slightly. Sunoo did the same, leaving the two of you face to face, only about and inch or two in between you.

"So..." Sunoo whispered with a soft smile. you giggled, resting your forehead against his

"you're kinda obsessed with me ya know" he teased

"oh shut UP- you're saying I'M obsessed after the confession you just wrote?" you shot back with a laugh as he squeezed you tighter. you two giggled together for a few more seconds before he leaned back again, this time with an ever-so-sightly concerned expression

"Were you crying cuz you thought i didn't like you back or something?" Sunoo questioned, rubbing gentle circles on your back. you let out a mix between a groan and a chuckle as you let your forehead fall against his shoulder in embarrassment

"honestly, yeah..."

"What??"

"yeah... Rei had me write those letters to just get my feelings out, but you were honestly never supposed to get them..."

"Are you serious?" Sunoo threw his head back as he laughed in complete disbelief

"Yup... the only reason you even have them is because Rei accidentally mixed up the stacks and put yours in the box" you rubbed a hand down your face as you sigh before letting out your own laugh of disbelief

"speaking of- lemme text her back real quick cuz she's definitely still freaking out over this" you reached for your phone and winced once you saw thirteen missed texts and four missed calls from Rei. Sunoo came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder as you read through the texts. you sent a message letting her know you had the wrong letters, but deleted what you had began typing as a follow-up.

instead you opened the camera app and snapped a quick selfie of you and Sunoo. he had turned his head so that his own cheek would be slightly pressing against yours, his lips brushing the skin, making it very obvious there's been a shift in the dynamic.

kongsuni🥐: Y/n please answer girl, you're making me really nervous

y/n: i don't have Sunoo's letters y/n: (sent 1 attachment) y/n: but it's okay cuz he found them <3 kongsuni🥐: AHHHHHH OH MY GOD Y/N WHAT THE FUCK-

you both chuckled at Rei's reaction. Sunoo squeezed you tighter placing an aggressive kiss against your cheek, causing you to laugh harder. he continued to place little pecks across the span of your skin wherever he could reach from his position. eventually he let out a dramatic sigh and spun you around, finally placing a gentle kiss on you lips.

the two of you stayed there for a few seconds, just enjoying the connection, before he tilted his head ever-so-slightly to fit his lips better against yours to deepen the kiss. you let out a sigh against Sunoo's lips, allowing him better access as you continued to make out. your arms draped lazily around his neck as you played with hair. after a few more moments, you separated for air. you and Sunoo stared at each other in silence for a second before bursting into a fit of giggles.

you both moved to lay in your bed, cuddling under your cozy throw blankets. with stars in your eyes you both shared the details of your affections for each other and how stupidly in love you'd both been all this time.

"I can't believe all it took for us to finally get it together was some love letters..." Sunoo mumbles softly, shifting to press his cheek further into you. you huffed a quiet laugh before responding just as softly

"you say that as if one of us didn't have an absolutely breakdown over said letters" you mumbled in return. he hummed and squeezed you softly

"listen, i had plenty of my own breakdowns over that letter, but all of that was forgotten the second i read through what you wrote me" Sunoo opened his eyes to glance at you with nothing but pure adoration and love. you looked into his eyes and smiled softly, pressing a feathery kiss to the tip of his nose, before scooching down to rest your head against his chest

"I know we haven't even made things official yet, but I love you Kim Sunoo" you felt his chest rumble with a quiet chuckle, then you felt his soft lips agaisnt the top of you head

"I love you too my sweet angel" he mumbled into your hair as you both begin to drift off in a little mid-day nap, comforted more than ever by each other's presence.

notes: a few more notes, sorry y'all. this was originally supposed to be an ot7 fic and be like- a bunch of different scenarios of you writing them love letters. and then it was supposed to be a jungwon fic... but then i realized how many jungwon fics i'm in the middle of writing and i decided "omg our number one lovely boy needs a cutie little valentine's day fic" hehehe. i hope y'all enjoyed it😛

[reflectionsofacreator]

[takes a long drink from my Arizona iced tea] so like one of the central themes for FFXV is like, growing up, sure. You know that, I know that, whatever. Coming of age, coming into your own, taking the mantle of king, whatever you wanna call it. Cool, awesome, we love a good coming of age story!

But I find the sub theme of that one to be probably the most fascinating? By and large, all the chocobros have to deal with the fallout of being lied to by the adult figures in their lives, and it's the most prevalent with Noctis and Gladio. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of it in Ignis and Prompto too, but the particularly insidious way that Noctis and especially Gladio were lied to sometimes gets me.

See I don't even really think it was actually all that intentional. Not really a conscious act by Regis and Clarus, or the society around them? More like... I dunno, the lies that you get told by your parents as a little kid and you grow up to realize that the world is a lot different than you thought.

That being said, Noctis was absolutely lied to by his father; both about the nature of the King of Light and the idea that he'd succeed Regis as reigning monarch. Regis did it out of love, knowing that Noctis would die young, and reasoned that Noctis should get to have a relatively normal life, but it was still a lie. Gladio, likewise, was lied to by his father and Regis, told that he would be the next monarch's Shield, that he would fulfill a role that's got a pretty set expectation in their society.

See, Gladio expects Noctis to act a certain way, to act as King, and he gets increasingly frustrated when Noctis doesn't, or can't live up to that. He's not precisely wrong to expect it either, given their roles and their statues, and knowing that they're taking the throne during a full blown war. The problem is that Noctis was never taught how to be the thing that Gladio was told Noctis was going to be? And that's what causes friction with them all the time. It's fascinating, watching it play out and realizing the underlying issues with their relationships actually have very little to do with them as people and instead because of what they were told to expect from each other.

Gladio is also his own kettle of fish that I don't think the narrative is quite self aware enough to articulate properly, or even get into. Gladio falls into the trap of toxic masculinity very often -- struggling to articulate his feelings, expressing most of his feelings as anger, picking fights rather than talking about what's going on, using his strength as both a character aspect and bonus, etc. The list goes on. There's also the fact that he's sort of portrayed as a bit of a womanizer and the masculine ideal; tall, rugged, strong, etc which plays into all of that. XV plays him very straight (and straight) with these concepts, and just sort of ... expects it to be fine? Which is at odds with how the other three bros interact and are more emotionally available towards each other, leaving Gladio as one of the weaker bros in canon.

It kind of sucks too, because like, there's so much to unpack with him? His DLC is about wanting to have the strength to protect Noctis on the surface, but really when you look at it... you could also argue that the DLC is about Gladio's fears that he'll end up as dead as his dad did (ha, try that for alliteration) and the crushing weight of failure. Gladio has every right to fear his mortality, fear the fact that he is, nominally, the first in line on the battlefield and the the last defense for Noctis. If Noctis is to die, they will go through him first, and that's! Scary! But the game doesn't really get into that, hardly at all, and it makes picking up the pieces for Gladio kind of frustrating. Out of all the bros, he's the one I have to dig the most to find any kind of depth despite being prime real estate for it.

Anyways Gladio and Noctis' dynamic is fascinating if you actually start to unpack it, especially because it's built on the lies that their fathers fed them as children (that they themselves also bought into). I'd go so far to argue that between the two pairs, Noct/Gladio is in much more of a dire need to sit down and actually hash out what they are to each other, outside of their king/shield dynamic. Noct/Iggy certainly has shades of that, but Ignis has decided that they are friends and that he will defy fate if he must, let the world burn if he must, to save Noct's life. That has some depth beyond king/retainer that they're presented as. Noct/Gladio are sort of just... falling into the king/shield dynamic because they're expected to, and it sort of hampers their relationship and their communication.

I'm gonna scramble them both like eggs, probably into an omelette. They make me Think you know

[periwinkla]

A word of advice to every artist out there who thinks they have to draw a certain way. I see things like this often: I hate drawing hands, I hate rendering, I hate linearting, etc., etc., etc.

One of my teachers in art school taught us something: if you don't like to draw something (regardless of how good at it you are) find a way to do it differently. Why draw if you don't enjoy it? Don't make your life miserable uselessly. He said, for example, that he really, really didn't like drawing hands. So he developed a style where his shapes were so stylized, and his hands so unlike anything you had seen. And, technically, his hands look weird. But! They are always consistent. You know it's intentional. It's his style. Weird is good. Weird will make you happy. (That doesn't mean he can't draw a realistic hand, it was his job to teach after all. But he just didn't like to draw them, and that's fine.) The same thing you can say with rendering, for example. You don't have to render! You can do flat color. You can do no color. Don't like to color? Black & White! Or cross-hatching. Or simply only lineart/sketch. Don't like to lineart? Do blocks of color with no lineart. Or just paint instead! Or use your sketch instead of the lineart. For myself, I don't like to draw detailed eyes, or noses. See how simple I draw them? That's why! I also don't particularly like to shade, and as you can see, my shadows are pretty generalistic and not very precise. Sometimes I do pieces where the light comes a bit all over the place and I enjoy that feeling of 'I don't know where this takes place, I'm disoriented by how this space works'. Sometimes I don't feel like linearting and I clean up the sketch with a soft eraser brush and that gives a different feeling to the piece, and I often like it even more. What I do focus on is color, because that's what I enjoy the most. Seeing all those bright colors together makes me happy!

What I am saying is, don't force yourself to do something you don't like to do. You'll feel miserable. Art is supposed to be fun. That's all. Happy drawing!

[hanaonesflower]

"Why don't you be my girl? My woman, for real." He says, so matter of factly.

"You've lost your damn mind, Nanami."

"Have I?" He tilts his head to the side, unleveling the windsor of the tie you're helping him with. You feel your throat constrict and your hands get clammy.

"Let me help you find it after I'm done." You joke, pulling any trick in the book to get him distracted and move on. His hands find purchase on your waist and make you jump out of your skin from the sudden contact.

"Why must you be like this?" Nanami tightens his grip, not to hurt you but to ensure you won't slip through his fingers, like how you always do.

"We've made it clear from the start, no strings attached... ever." You emphasized. Failing to mention the every so often twist of your heart watching him leave, seeing him interact with someone other than you, having to bare seeing his affection given to anyone else. It's been like that for a while, but what good would it be to tell him.

"But I like you, shouldn't that mean something? Who cares about the arrangement?"

"Then we should break it off, save us the trouble... there all done." You pat his chest while feeling your own tightens sending him away, his outfit is complete, dandy and smooth for a night out with the company. "God luck at the event," you look away, out the balcony and what lies beyond it–a beautiful ocean lined so blue as far as the eyes can see, the flickering glimmer on the surface dances with each crashing wave. You wish you could stay longer, but everything must come to an end. Before you can gather your things and bid him a permanent farewell, his clutch startle you.

"Come with me, please."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why don't you let me worry about that."

He takes the words right out of your mouth. You are no stranger to his reserved, stoic nature, his life is calculated, each move he makes has a purpose. From the outside, Nanami doesn't look like the type to conduct closed doors activities, but every man has his vice and abandons virtue to pursue them. He forgets to account for how much his heart would flutter every time you come around, neglects to put a lid on the emotions that rise up every time he hears you speak. Most of the time, Nanami Kento knows exactly what he'd do next, his schedule booked with intention but all logic shrivels when he's within eye line of you.

"Please don't make this harder than it has to be," you gulp, "I don't belong in your world." You're no better, your guard crumbles with him around, the taste of him, his scent, are your kryptonite.

Before you could manage to wring yourself out of this situation with some half wit statements, he pulls you in, closing the gap between the two of you with the way he knows best. This one feels different, the kiss is filled to the brim with longing, his hands cautious, timid as they find their ways to you. With some conviction you could have pulled away and bee line to the door, but your energy can be used better elsewhere. Right now, it feels right, exactly where you are.

"To hell with that."

[bokettochild]

apparently i like making myslef hurt and suffer

because i'm wondering

how would Sablya react if she heard about "Mrs. Kitt Tailor" and their MANY kids?

i know she's from another au but dang it my mind is wandering and it hurts

I will be entirely honest, I have had thoughts on this SO MANY times, but never been sure if there was a point in writing it! That said @apparitianhanako actually asked me a while ago to write this! It just fell by the wayside.

I got hit by a wave of inspiration when I saw this ask though, although unfortunately I am running on like...four hours of sleep, and, thus, brain function is CRAP, so I cannot vouch for the quality here, but I guess here's an answer fic! (NOT Violet Incident canon or TBBU/BoHH canon)

-

 It’s one of those days that’s actually not as bad. 

 There aren’t a majority of either the good or the bad, mostly just a sort of lingering gray that overtakes it all. A grey unlike the twilight, unlike the shadows, and very, very different from even those long stormy nights that Link loved so much. 

 To look at him, you’d never think a man like that would love storms, and yet he does. Many’s a night they’d curl up before the fire, huddled in close under some quilt or another that his mother and sisters had made and he’d tried his very best to add too, even despite his trembling hands. Many’s a night she’d brew them tea and he’d hold her close, eyes turned to the windows and sharing story after story from his childhood, from his homeland; the fae stories that even her grandfather doesn’t know, and never could tell with the eloquence of the man she’d loved. The selkie stories he’d learned from his grandmother and passes on to anyone who’ll listen. The stories of the old, the new, the unknown, the unexplained. Her Link may not have been rich to the world’s eyes but he was rich in stories, and to the two of them that was often better. 

 They had been anyway. She still loves them, but there’s something lacking in new ones now, maybe the roll of his voice or the intent way he’d tune his telling to its listener, engage and entrance them with his words until they’d feel there themselves. A book’s pages don’t capture it right and no one knows how to say it. 

 Sometimes she wonders how he’d describe the greyness. Would he spin it like the deep sea that drinks down whatever is cast within, leaving a peaceful stillness above and a roaring torrent below? Would he tell it like a sky before a storm? The wind before a blast? The air in a second before magic speaks its words over the earth? 

 But he’s not here to say it. 

 That’s sort of her own fault though. Proud though she is, Sablya knows the faults not solely his, and that’s the source of the grey. 

 Pride’s a dangerous thing; she’s been warned all her life. It’s the thing that sends soldiers to their deaths and ruins lives and loves. Still, even with that knowledge, it’s a powerful force to try and deny, and it’s the only one that’s stopped her on some days from straying towards the castle to try and fix things. 

 And then, some days, it’s weak, so very weak, and she manages to step out anyway, heading for the gates and intending, with all her heart, to wander in to his office and ask, like anyone who comes to him, if he can help her to restore the family that she lost in the war, to bring her Link home to her. 

 Something always stops her though. 

 Pride, perhaps, stops her at the gate. Doubt and anger at the steps, her own unwillingness to face the world some days stops her making it past her own doorstep. But the times she’s made it to his door, hand on the knob and ready to knock, it’s the voices inside, the tired sound of his voice and the tears he’s no doubt meaning to ease from whomever it is that’s come to see him, seeking, like herself, to find what was lost. It’s doubt then, and fear, and bitterness that has her certain that he’d say the same to her as he’s said in her hearing to so many bereaved; “your soldier isn’t coming home, ma’am. I’m sorry.” 

 Today though isn’t a day where that doubt creeps in. It's one of those ones where even pride has taken a backseat and she’s got a moment to look about her home and feel the most dangerous feeling of all; hope. 

 Link’s a man who’s good to his word, who never breaks a promise, never defiles a vow. The vows they made on their wedding day, surely, were meant with as much if not more heart than any other he’s made. They’d sworn ‘through good and bad, easy times and hard, sickness and health’, and though she’s failed, broken that promise, on a day like today, she has faith that he wouldn’t. 

 He came home after all, and he never pushed when she’s said no, said go, said leave. He’s never failed a vow yet, so surely, this is one he will keep. Surely, he’ll at least let her try to speak to him, if only enough to discuss, to give words to the greyness that bubbled up that day that the war ended and he’d come home. 

 On another day, maybe she’ll laugh at herself for her hope, for the naivety, but on this day, Sablya Taylor has no intentions of letting a past or future version of herself stop her for at least today. After all, she’d heard from a neighbor that Link is back. Wherever it is that he’s gone, he’s back now. 

 “And looking a good deal in better health then last I saw him!” The old lady had chirped at her over the garden wall yesterday evening as she’d been working at the wash. 

 It’s a spark, a bit of hope that’s dangerous but oh so powerful, and it has her setting out that very morning. 

 She’s not sure if it’s the castle or an inn he’ll visit, because Hylia knows it won’t be his mother’s place, not on the slim chance that Mister Taylor the senior will actually be there. Of all the things that have changed, she knows for a fact that Link’s relationship with his step-father will be the last to do so; the two men despise each other, and to have them in the same room, never mind sleeping in the same house, would take a genuine miracle! 

 Gossip is a sure compass though, and she’s only got to say his name before some shopkeeper or market vendor is pointing the way they last saw a blue scarf trailing. 

 It’s not long at all either before she sees it for herself. 

 There he is. Standing tall only a short distance from some stall or another, chatting away in an almost animated fashion with another man.  

 For a second, her feet stall, freezing. 

 He looks himself again. Gone are the heavy bags beneath his eyes, the near perpetual five-o'clock-shadow and scowl from too long hours in the office, too many nights in a bar. He’s clean shaven (but gosh does she miss his beard, patchy as it was!), combed but not coiffed, clean but not polished, a laugh on his lips and a scowl on his brow as he nudges at the man beside him. 

 A man who looks a shocking about like a certain best-friend she knows is dead, hair just a shade or so darker, with hints of auburn, but smile just as toothy and the voice that sounds in answer to her Link just as tinged with Ordon’s drawl. 

 For a minute, she has to shake herself and question if she hasn’t traveled back in time somehow. Except... except she can’t have, because the scars over his eyes aren’t familiar and the blue scarf is somethings he’s only seen once; when he came home. He’d not had that before, so she knows it can’t be the past 

 She sort of wishes it was though. It would certainly make this much easier. 

 Sablya steps towards the two men, lips parting even though she’s got no clue what she’s about to say. 

 And then they move. 

 It’s not far, just to another stall, but then the man who could be Gassun’s twin is stepping away and another, brown haired and with a near angelic smile on his lips, takes his place, trading softer words that earn kinder smiles and easier motions than the last. 

 It takes her a second to work up her nerve, but the moment she does, they’re drifting off again, and once more, another lad comes, though the second man stays, and a boy who she thinks she’s seen linger by her husband’s side before joins the conversation. 

  It keeps happening that way. She’ll be a second from stepping over, only to start and lose nerve when Link goes to speak to someone else. It’s annoying. She’s annoyed at herself and her own lack of nerve. Pities sakes, what would Mother and Father think o such behavior? What would her grandparents think? Bushka? They’ll all tell her to buck up and talk to her husband! So, with a huff and a heave and as strong of steps as she can manage considering she knows she’s wronged him, Sablya steps over. 

 And then her feet stop cold again, just an arm’s length away, as another figure glides over. 

 It’s not the fact that the person is there, not when she’s expecting it now, it’s the way their hand slips into the crook of Link’s arm with a familiarity none of the rest had shown. Its the way they turn to speak to him, drawing his gaze, something dark and dangerous deep in their own. It’s the fact that, unlike the rest who’d come and gone, the figure at Link’s side now wears a skirt and has the fine features of a woman, not a man. 

 “Darling,” the word is tense, the grip the same, but the dark stare that lifts past heavy lashes, pressing and pointed, has her heart catching up in her throat to see directed at her husband, “I fear I must ask your help.” 

 It’s nothing, she tries to assure herself It’s normal. Women throw themselves at her husband even with her at his side, they always have. He’s a good-looking man and an honest one too, and she’s never minded before that the world can see it. Now though, now after the war, after everything, after the sorceress, her gut still churns a bit. 

 She wants him to catch that nimble yet firm hand and tug it off, to step back and ask, in that not yet cold, but very much warning tone what it is that the lady wants. Because, beautiful though the creature on his arm is, enchanting as her gaze must be up close, what with how hypnotizing it nearly is from afar, he’s still a married man. He made a promise, and whether or not they’ve spoken in ages doesn’t change that. 

 Link’s brows furrow, and she’s ready to see the gentle push, but instead he leans in, just a bit closer, head down and whispers soft as he answers, nearly too low to be heard. “What happened this time?” Fervent, worried, attentive, not a bit of hesitation in his manner and gaze fixed solely on the vision beside him. 

 There’s a wince, the grip of that hand tightening and his coming to settle over the top, assuring, comforting, promising in motions she herself knows so well and hates to see granted to another. As though unawares though, the other woman goes on. “I fear our girls have gotten to mischief.” 

 Our girls? Surely, she doesn’t mean- 

 Link stiffens slightly, tensing in the shoulders. “All of them?” 

 A nod. “Five magics, all going mad, and believe it or not, dear captain, they’re scattered.” 

 Link sighs. That great, heavy sort of thing he won’t sound unless he’s truly comfortable in a person’s presence. It’s a sort of pride of his own, she’s often thought, that he won’t falter before any save those he trusts, and the implications of it sounding in the space between himself and this other woman makes her heart scream. “Why did we think this was a good idea?” 

 “Having kids?” The woman sighs in kind, “we didn’t. It happened, and now we have seven gremlins to mind and stop from destroying this city.” 

 “Let’s get to it then,” and he’s striking out a couple whispers late, parting now but with a wry smile that the other echoes, moving off in the other direction calmly as though trying her hardest not to attract attention. Link doing the same in the opposite direction, no doubt with direction from the dark-eyed lady on where to go. 

 She could follow him. 

 She could follow the lady, but desperately, she both does and doesn’t want that woman to know. There’s no ring on his hand, not with his profession being what it is, so, surely another woman might make a mistake. The fact of it is clear though; she is something to him, but the desperate hope that the lady didn’t know battles with the wish that Link has somehow been tricked, seduced by the siren’s song of that woman’s sweet voice, perhaps under the spell of the magic that drapes over her like a cloak. She wants to believe it’s not his fault, yet the idea of blaming the lady seems so wrong without knowing for sure. 

 She should follow him. 

 She should stalk after and drag him to the side, out of sight and earshot and demand to know what she just saw. Yes, they’re separated, but could he not do her the basic dignity of divorce if he was so set on starting again? She has her failings, and she’s aware that they’re significant, but regardless, that isn’t an excuse! 

 Or is it? Is she to blame? Was it her words and actions? 

 And yet, her feet move without though, mind spinning, there were children mentioned. Not one- seven. Seven children, and while certainly the lady looks young, she’d also said it happened by chance. No one in their right mind, not even Link with his bleeding heart for strays and street kids, would adopt or take on seven children. She knows he took two, in the war, under his wing. She knows she’d been bitter, thinking he was replacing their own lost little one with blonde-haired boys he hoped would fill a hole. 

  But seven? With a woman like that? And all old enough to wander, freely? To have magic? 

 The captain’s wife has the sinking feeling that such a thing wouldn’t be possible in the time since the war ended and their marriage had followed suit. Even if her words did somehow drive Link to break a vow, a promise, his own honor and her heart with it, the times wouldn’t match. 

 He’d have to have had met this woman long before, and the children- gods, is she the second woman? 

 Her mind spins and trips on itself, feet the same until she finds herself on a street she can’t name, ducking into the nearest ally to drop her head to her hands and breathe. 

 She can’t cry. She won’t cry. If she cries than she’ll never stop and- 

 “Are you okay, miss?” 

 Sablya starts, dashing what tears had escaped away and turning about to the source of the voice, finding a young figure before her. It could be a child, but then again, it might not be. Whatever they are, boy, girl, young or grown, they’re staring at her with warm amber eyes and a worried frown. 

 “Pardon?” 

 “You seem upset,” the short figure observes, blinking up at her slowly, gaze weighted more than it should be for so young a person. “is everything alright?” 

 She means to answer, to say she’s fine. Regardless of anything, she won’t be admitting her troubles or ruined marriage to a random stranger, but it’s at that very moment that Fate chooses to spit in her face and another figure darts around the corner on the far side of the alley, calling out. “Scarlet, luv, come along, your sister-” and the words cut off. 

 She stares. 

 The dark-eyed woman stares back. 

 Of all the chances, of all the people, she does not expect it to be the same lady as took her own husband’s arm with such certainty, but yet, here she is. Here she is, pretty and powerful, if not physically than at least with magic far exceeding Sablya’s own. 

 Link likes powerful women, she finds herself thinking, bitter. He likes strong women. He likes women who stand with confidence as the lady before her does now, even as confusion touches ethereal eyes. He likes women who entrance him, and no doubt, anyone would be so before this figure. 

 “Mama,” and oh gods, is this one of those seven? “I don’t think she’s okay.” 

 The strange lady steps forwards, magic reaching, cautious but gentle, eyes searching and ears flicking. “Are you hurt, miss?” 

 Her heart is irrevocably shattered into a million pieces, if that answers the question. 

 The sweet face of the strange, young yet world weary, and still somehow near regal despite tattered dress, creases up in a frown. “Is there anything we can help with?” 

 She wants to say yes. She wants to demand answers. She wants to whisper a plea to tell her it’s a lie, that she’s wrong, but in the same breath, she’s looking into the face of the younger, the child, her Link’s child, and wondering how on earth she could dare to shatter a second family after ruining her own. Does this kid deserve to be told something so terrible? Does this lady? Could she leave them in peace and let Link go on, happy as he’d looked beside them, weary but warm, himself again like he hasn’t been in forever? 

 As though to add insult to injury, the man in question himself rounds the corner a second later, four more children, near identical save the one’s dark hair, all on his heels. “I see you found Perri and Scarlette already, which is a blessing because-” the words die as he looks up from small figures to where she and the other woman stand, now both having turned. 

 Link’s eyes widen, feet stuttering as he draws up sharp. “Oh shit.” 

 “Language!” One of the kids pipes up, only for a sibling to slap a hand over their mouth. 

 She can’t move. 

 Link doesn’t seem to be able to either. 

 “You know her?” The lady asks. 

 Link’s gaze is heavier than the very sky and it’s every star, his words clipped and short. “That’s my wife.” 

 Dark eyes turn on her in a moment, now also wide. She expects a scream, a hiss, maybe tears exploding forth as they threaten to from her own soul, perhaps a fit of rage as magic snaps and growls. Instead though, the strange lady just sags, hands over her face and a heavy sigh seeming to carry her last breath intro the alleyway. “I hate my life.” 

 “Second that.”   

 “Well thanks,” and the sugar sweet tone is abruptly gone, the gentle manner lost as a scowl, so drastically different from the angelic expression before that it would almost be comedic if it wasn’t so confusing, is shot Link’s way. “Stick a knife in my heart yourself, why don’t you.” 

 “Vet!” 

 “A wife?” and there it is, “you didn’t think to say something?” 

 “What, like you would have believed me?” 

 “I procured you a fake wedding ring and- you know what, no,” hands fly up and the stranger, who is suddenly so much less gracious and gentle and is now a whole new person altogether, something that leaves Sablya floundering at the sight of, is turning to look at her. “You must be so confused.” 

 “Oh shit.” Link sounds again, more emphatic this time. 

 “Hi,” and the expression of exhaustion that joins an outstretched hand held her way nearly makes her feel ready to keel over herself, “I’m terribly sorry. I’m a friend of your horrid husband and I would like to assure you right here and now that I am not sleeping with him, nor will I ever.” 

 Link chokes. 

 Sablya stares. 

 The... lady(?) draws back, apparently realizing her hand won’t be taken and that Sablya herself might not be able to even properly think at the moment. “I can only imagine what you just saw, or are thinking, and because Link here is shit at explaining crap to do with anything in this regard, I’ll do the honors.” Words followed with a mutter to the ground of “someone kill me,” that, despite everything, she somehow doesn’t manage to take personally. 

 Which is how she ends up leading six strangers and her estranged husband back to her house and the privacy it offers, to be told a story around her kitchen table by a boy who looks like a goddess about how he, a wolf-man, and four of the five not actually children in the current company had accidentally convinced not only Castletown but the whole country, in multiple eras of history, that Link was married to a goddess and the father of seven children. 

 In short, it is not how she expected to finally sit down with her husband, but after the whirlwind she just suffered, it does ease some tension between them when the story ends and she finds herself breaking down into a hysteric combination of laughter and tears that leaves everyone else staring awkwardly and her own husband, her Link, her not a cheater and, in fact, still true to his word Link, trying his very best to help her calm down enough to breathe again. In all honesty, it’s almost all worth it. Especially when Link gives up talking and she finds him setting an arm around her shoulders instead. He’s all hesitant and slow, wary, but when she doesn’t push him off, he eases and, a second later, tugs her in close like he used to on grey afternoons before the fire. 

 They're both shaking. 

 She’s not sure if or when her hand will ever unwind from that blasted scarf of his, but, somehow, she doesn’t think it will happen before his head lifts from her shoulder. 

 Blessedly though, her husband’s friend sees fit to usher the rest out, leaving them alone. 

 It’s not how she planned to sit down and talk things out with Link, but if anything, this will most certainly make for an interesting story for him to tell someday. Once, of course, they’ve made up and a very, very long time has passed so that she can actually laugh at this all. A very long time indeed. 

 As long as he wants that time, that is. 

 She hopes he does. She doesn’t want it without him. 

[pixelatedraindrops]

Overindulgence on Valentine's Day Chocolate~ 🍫💦

This was a very silly little idea I had in my head for Valentine's Day. It was originally going to just be a one-shot fanfiction I write but you should all know by now... xD

I don't know the definition of a one-shot fanfiction

My first ever stomach issue related themed sickfic~ :3

Here is the story (bc archive direct link doesn't wanna work)

Now as for the art, it's pretty self explanatory; our favorite silly little CEO received a lot of appreciation chocolate from some of the citizens of Kanai Ward. Touched by the gesture and finally receiving love reciprocated by the city he loved so much, he didn't leave a single sweet treat given to him untouched or uneaten.

This would later lead to disaster ;w;

Thankfully Yuma is there to lend him a helping hand :3

Spoilers for the Story's Outcome below~ (another drawing +further rambling as always lol I always say too much haha... ^^;)

The best home remedy for an tummy ache is a good tummy rub 🩷

Okay, so I was honestly wanting to write a story like this for a while but was incredibly shy about it... Because upset tummy rubs lowkey are another very small guilty pleasure of mine. When a person gets an upset stomach from either being sick or from overeating, I personally find it to be a very comforting, touching and even at times very intimate gesture. (I even remember trying it myself to help a friend of mine w gastritis in highschool)

Sadly, I felt very shy and even embarrassed to want to try and write something like this, let alone draw it out... Tummy rubs are unfortunately often seen as kinks or are fetishized by other people so it's often seen as weird to the public... So it made me feel nervous to even share this story and art. I did have lots of fun drawing it, but I'm saying it right now, I do NOT fetishize this okay? ><;

(not trying to kink shame, its just not my intention here is all ;w;)

In fact; abdominal massages (a.k.a tummy rubs) are actually a real medical procedure to recover the pressure in one's stomach.

The pose of this art was incredibly difficult to draw but I am fairly happy with the way it came out. Yuma looks either doting or affectionate towards Makoto and Makoto looks perfectly relaxed laying in his lap c: Yuma politely took his shoes off but Makoto is the type to leave his shoes on even when he’s laying on furniture (we saw it in ch4 twice lol) They're such cuties, I love them so much💕 (I even added a kitty to convince myself that its cute and not weird... ;w;)

Truth be told, this idea was actually semi-inspired by a little doodle that @cochidinh drew on X. It made me think that if Makoto received valentines from the people of Kanai Ward, would he eat all of them?

And thus this story was born c: (its meant to be silly so please try not to take it too seriously... ;w; They may seem OOC here, I did my best but this is my first time ever writing a story like this so I might be rusty... ;w;)

EXTRA BONUS: Kitty Makoto 🐱

Fun Fact: Did you know that cats only allow belly rubs from a person they trust? :3c I think Makoto is very cat-like tbh haha~

Anyway Happy Valentines Day🩷

Don't eat too much chocolate now! 💦

[breadandlottery]

I think I'm going to make people upset but let's go Do you think Gi Hun has grown in terms of character development? In my opinion, what bothers me most about round 6 is the lack of significant growth in gi hun because he doesn't seem to have lost several people in the first season he remains naive I expected an improvement or development from a person who has already won the games. I would like you to answer me, I love your analyses.

My dear anon, apologies in advance for what is sure to be a very lengthy response…

I would like to say first that this is a tough question for me to answer with confidence since we haven’t seen season 3 and because it feels a little like a season 2A and season 2B situation. 

I’ve been working through scenes that I’m flagging in my mind for moments that should have raised red flags for Gihun but, from what we’re shown, didn’t. As I often tag ramble about, I do hold out some hope that he had legitimate suspicions of 001 and a loose backup plan. I have also noted that, interestingly, s2 does not have any of the flashback/realization scenes we were given several times in s1 and honestly, that feels very intentional? Like we’re supposed to notice it’s missing (I also have thoughts about ADHD Gihun, but that may just be me projecting because I’m real familiar with the exact kind of lightbulb moments he has, lol). My hunch/hope is that the show has been misdirecting us to make us believe everything you just said about the apparent lack of character development.

Now, I do think there has absolutely been character evolution. I can understand fans not seeing it as “development”, because I think we tend to think of character development as positive growth, but honestly, it doesn’t have to be… like a villain arc is still character development (just an example, I do not think this is a villain arc situation). I think instead of a lack of character development, I’d be more apt to call it a lack of “learning his lesson” or a lack of apotheosis (the point of realization/epiphany).

If we view squid game as monomyth/hero’s journey, he’s kind of not to the point yet where that would have happened (because the end of S2 would be the abyss?). Now, am I certain that the story being told is a hero’s journey? No, although I am somewhat confident.

So— I'm working under the assumption that we have a hero’s journey told in trilogy format. We have a LOT of comparison media out there… the Matrix, Star Wars, LOTR, among the most popular. What does the end of the middle installment of all of these have in common? They’re bleak af. 

Matrix: Neo unconscious, Agent Smith breaking into the real world

Star wars: Luke battles  Vader and loses his hand/almost dies, Han encased in carbonite

LOTR: Gollum’s betrayal, battle of Helm’s Deep (a win but with an ominous warning accompanying it)

The psuedo trilogy structure is where I do feel slightly perturbed at netflix for passing off a split season as 2 separate seasons. With a “real” trilogy, each component should be able to stand alone (like with 3 act structure-- set up-> conflict -> resolution) which is true of the examples above because the primary narrative conflict is actually resolved but super not true of squid game s2. Which means s2 and 3 combined could be the middle of the trilogy, with the mystery future season being the final part, but I don’t know that that’s in the cards. 

As an aside, we could just be totally wrong about the direction this is going in. Narrative arcs that involve the protagonist “learning a lesson” isn’t a universal concept. I always think of James Bond movies (especially the older ones) as an example of a “flat arc” character, because like, if you sleep with her she’s probably gonna die James, didn’t you learn this last time? If you’re too reckless there will be consequences, didn’t you learn this last time James? Like. That guy never learns. Not every character learns from their mistakes. Do I think Gihun is ultimately gonna be a flat arc character? No. Is it possible? I guess, man, look at the world, anything’s possible!!

So, ugh, sorry that’s a ton of speculation and uncertainty that isn’t directly answering your ask, but I do think that any of these possibilities can explain what we’re calling a lack of character development because we’re just not at that point in the story yet.

NOW.

Personally, I do think that Gihun is very perceptive, and I hold out hope that he wasn’t as trusting and oblivious as we’re made to think. I also believe that even if that is the case, he’d still have further to go/more development needed before he could actually reach the end of his journey. The reason for this (and I think one of the reasons people sometimes think of him as not smart) is the narrowness of his worldview. Not narrowmindedness, just literally not having broad knowledge about the world. Like not knowing where Pakistan was. Or not really getting that neither he nor the Frontman have the power to end what's happening because it is a symptom of a much larger, systemic problem. And in complete fairness to this sweet man, lack of perspective and a narrow worldview is an incredibly common flaw in people. 

So a few things that can be interpreted as Stagnation or Lack of Development:

Still a gambler: as seen in Russian Roulette and in going back into the game. Definitely risky, definitely reckless. He is like kinda suicidal though, so I don’t know that the underlying cause of this behavior is the same as it was in s1.

Still just out here trusting everyone: Yeah. That’s what he does, though. He came right out and said it, he doesn’t do it because he thinks people are trustworthy, he does it because what else is he gonna do? Is this a dumb-as-shit approach that should be “character-developed” out of him? Or is it a very important key defining feature of who he is as the hero of the story? I could go either way on that, tbh.

Naïve/easy to fool: I don’t think he ever was all that easy to fool, I think he consciously chose to let a lot of things slide and/or second-guessed his intuition because people called him stupid and slow all the time. 

Things that I think are Character Development

Ability to Focus: Maybe I’m ADHD projecting again, but this guy was all over the place in the beginning of s1, now he’s running a whole ass operation (maybe the medicine Mr Kim brought over was secretly adderall lol).

Leadership: I’ve said all along he just naturally exudes leadership, but he wasn’t really aware of it or comfortable with it in s1. In s2 he’s really embracing decision-making (even if they’re bad decisions) and seems comfortable being the one planning and leading, which is impressive.

So. To sum up a very very long answer:

I do see character development, if not the “hero finally learned his lesson” kind

I do still think it’s possible that Gihun wasn’t quite as clueless as we’re shown, and I’ll cling to this delusion until at least June 27th lol

I think it’s possibly too early in the narrative for his full revelation, anyway, but-

Part of why that feels “off” is because s2 is missing the “last Act” of the story it was telling (like don’t split a sequel in 2 and try to shoehorn it into a trilogy if it’s not an actual trilogy please for the love of god it throws off the balance)

[tinrange]

Gelboys Thoughts 1

Zoom classes wow my eye just started twitching.

Blocking on spotify as the first move what 17 yr old was involved in the writing team ctfu.

07s in 10th grade... okay so that places the timeline of show uncomfortably close to my own graduation so this might make me spiral.

This ITSAY mirror moment. Boss Only knows how to make reflective work!

I love making the characters so sticker laden, thats exactly what 2022 felt like and it makes their insecurities starkly apparent when they attempt to cover them with vibrancy.

Google maps mention. So charming to have a show that cares to integrate technology as life.

Actually as springboard thats why i loved the blocking montage from earlier. Nothing is really over until youve released them from your circle and ousted them from your life, and robbing people of the ability to See You online is such a statement of intent even if you end up caving later on in person.

Finding someone on ig using the location tag. Okay this is getting real scurry.

Purposely liking someonee oldest pic to show interest is Nasty FIEND behavior. Run!!!!!!!

The stylization of the chargers just made my eyes well up with tears almost. Its indicative of how gently the production is treating their interior lives, everyones charger is different and vibrant just like their lives and these phones serve as points of contact to each other in more ways than one. Theyre gathered and theyre a Group.

Getting caught eavesdropping and watching through your phone so you pretend to take a photo. #real #beenthere #theyweretakingnotesfromme

Absolutely obsessed over the editing of this show, its as maximalist and overbearing as all feelings are in highschool. Emotions spill out of you at that age and the overbearing nature of them can be as blinding as all that neon and all these fast cuts.

Heard that this was filmed on phone and I love that in some scenes theres a conscious decision to allow it to be Phone Quality.

Chian is such a problem cryingggg

I really love how this show respects that social media is an extension of self for youth, and in doing so how it shows respect to a younger generation. A majority of highschool media now is created by those who had to come of age as technology became accessible without regard to how thats changed. Chian following Fou4mod is framed as a big deal because it is; if its not an exchange of accounts the act of following is never casual. You had to think of the person, find their account, and put yourself in the vulnerable position of being caught thinking of them. Online accounts as a barrier carry a weight thats often dismissed but this story cannot work without allowing this moment to have heft. If a follow is just a follow then situationships (like hes probably about to be in with Chian) cannot work, Chian showed his cards and made Fou4mod feel like he has less to lose because he took such an Important Step. Lesser shows have made fun of that step!

Thats all to say Chian is definitely a problem and he probably needs to get his ass whooped in the near future (^-^;

Chian barely follows anyone... hes true to this life unfortunately. My thoughts are with Fou4mod this is about to be a life altering relationship (Extremely Negative).

The iphone change has been taking me out like highschool really is about being a follower until youve carved an identity.

Watching it put to screen wow social media really did change dating into an intricate ritual bc i audibly groaned when he asked for the air drop... like no u cant be seen caring! Thats bad! We need to save the youth from this reality Every queer person must uninstall hinge now.

CHIAN IS SO SINISTER OMG SAVE FOU4MOD

"I'll let you know" "you can go first" girl i gotta turn this off now im breaking out in hives.

Playlist sharing to flirt... they were watching me edate in HS

I feel strangely emotional after watching that. There is such a dearth of television about the youth of people in mid genz who were in highschool or beginning uni during the pandemic. Every show produced and set in high school recently has been extremely nostalgic, set in a recent past, or almost out of time in a world where social media is not as important and COVID didnt fundamentally change communications and relationships as a whole.

As someone who spent a longer time in highschool than most people do, I dont think I've seen something so insightful since American Vandal. That show understood the slow nature of highschool in the later 2010s, it understood the uncomfortableness that lurks beneath your skin as a teenager and showcased it with that perpetually hazy and lazy filter that the soundcloud rap era felt like.

This show takes the exact opposite approach, COVID made all the teens and kids view technology As Them. A teenager in 2020 and 2021 was their phone because to take that away from them was to cut off any and all outside connection they had, something that was especially true for queer youth who already felt that alienation in their identity. Its lovely to see traces of that put to screen and treated with kindness, and it allows for the aesthetic maximalism to be justified through the sheer desperation they have to Truly Participate in life once again.

Really excited to watch this continue, I think its really funny how instead of ITSAYs longing and self flagellation (which was also extremely late 2010s) gelboys is fast moving and almost refuses to dwindle on their internal worlds so far, these teens just want to be out there doing things. The changed public life for kids directly after the pandemic and before the conservative pendulum swing is such a fun period to explore, I loved this first ep immensely.