#i know its gonna be hard to get the full 5k in a week but anything I get from this will help me so much.

[robotpussy]

ok this is the first time ive ever had to do this but I really need the help right now. i know its going to be hard to get the full amount in the time that I have but any help would benefit me so greatly. i am putting the explanation under the cut as it is very long but TLDR:

I got into the film school of my dreams on a scholarship, but student finance will not pay for the full course fee because my university is independent, (£20k, SF can only pay £14.4k) so I have to pay the remaining fee (£5.6k) by June 1st. I cannot graduate if I don't pay this fee and I am under 2 months away from graduating. all evidence and explanation is under the cut.

gfm is here if the link above doesn't work

thank you to anyone in advance.

I have been studying filmmaking for 2 years at university and I am 2 months away from graduating. I got into this university through a scholarship that reduced the standard course fee in half. Usually, Student Finance/the government will pay for these course fees, but because my university is private, they are unable to pay the fee in full. My course costs £20k and Student Finance will pay £14,400 of this. This means I have to pay £5,600.

Here is the evidence and proof that I did get into my university on a scholarship and what my university offers in terms of fees:

I have been looking for financial support for 2 years (before I even started attending but had a confirmed place) and it has not been enough. I have contacted my local authority for years about the grant I am entitled to as a foster care leaver and the most I could receive was £2,000 that ended up going to paying my gas and electric bills.

I have also gone to many charities to ask them for support and many of the responses I got were "go to your local authority". I did find one charity that was willing to help me but the sponsors of the charity decided that I would receive a laptop and they would pay for the travel costs to my university for a year instead. I am eternally grateful for that but now I have nowhere else to go for this.

I would really appreciate any help I am already having a extremely hard time dealing my current eviction and I am on the verge if being homeless I would just like to get something off my back and I would rather graduate and get this over with. I am still actively working to find places that are willing to help me but in the time that I have now I would appreciate it if I could get something in the meantime.

[ssinnerplazahotel]

╭──────────.★..─╮

*Chapter Fifteen*

╰─..★.──────────╯

WC: 5k

Warning: 18+, age gap, smut, fluff, toxic elvis, manipulation, drug use, it’s the 50s/60s, painful-difficult-devastating-life-changing-extraordinary love

Pairing: elvis x black reader

Disclaimer: full of inaccuracies, inaccurate timeline, inaccurate depictions of Graceland, historically inaccurate themes and items

Masterlist: Prologue, Ch. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

finale pt. 2

“They want you for the cover of Harper’s Bazaar.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you.”

“Why?”

“Because they think you’re ‘extraordinarily beautiful,’” He said, quoting the request directly. “‘Otherworldly.’

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Well, I happen to agree that you’re out of this world.”

He smiled as you sat down in his lap, hugging his neck as you glanced over the letter. You thought about the offer for a moment.

“You don’t have to think about it too much,” Elvis said when he noticed your contemplation. “I’ll tell them you don’t want to do it.”

“Will you do it with me?”

“They didn’t ask me, dirty bird, they asked you.”

You laughed. “I know but…we do everything together.”

You knew if Elvis was on the cover they’d hardly spare you a glance. Doing it alone opened up the floor for criticism—criticism you no longer had the tolerance for. Though the hit pieces you saw were few and far between (Elvis made sure of that) you knew there was another level of hate out there.

“It should be all about you,” He said. “You have a few months to make up your mind.”

“They may not want me in a few months.”

“Why’s that?”

You shrugged dismissively. “I might be pregnant.”

You felt him tense beneath you. “You think?”

“I don’t know,” You said. “I’m late but…I’ve been late before.”

“They said there was a chance~”

“I don’t want to get excited. I don’t even want to think about it.”

“That mindset won’t get you far.”

“And being optimistic will?”

You stood up before he could respond, taking the lighter from the corner of his desk. He watched you wordlessly as you took a cigarette from its case and lit it.

“How late?”

“Don’t start with the questions, E.”

He stood with a sigh, dropping the pen that he had been fidgeting with. “Well, let me know when you start giving a fuck.”

You faced him. “You’re upset?”

“No.” You stopped him from leaving. “Birdie, I don’t care if you don’t.”

“I care,” You said. “I’m just scared.”

“If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, then that’s just it.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I do understand.”

“Do you know what a miscarriage feels like?”

He retracted, but he was still upset. “I don’t see the point in trying if we’re gonna ignore it when it happens.”

“I’m not ignoring it,” You said. “I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

“Well.” He walked past you. “I guess we’ll see.”

The months slipped by agonizingly slow. It was a miserable day every day you woke up still pregnant. It wasn’t that you hoped for another miscarriage, you just hated the anticipation of it all. It was hard to even acknowledge the fact.

You were measuring small, even towards the end of term. The doctors told you it was due to stress. It wasn’t the baby that was stressing you out however.

“I can’t believe I’m the one telling you that we need to get some things in order around here,” Elvis said, forcing you out of bed. “That sucker’s gonna pop out any day now, honey. They told us that weeks ago.”

“It’s fine,” You complained. “I’m sure someone will have the room ready overnight if you ask them.”

“This ain’t the inn, birdie,” He said. “You don’t just put it together in one day. Shouldn’t you have some kind of maternal instinct by now?”

You weren’t prepared to have a baby, let alone be a mother. You feared that you’d mess it up, like you mess up everything else.

“Come help me put this thing together,” Elvis said, returning to his passion project for that afternoon—the baby’s bassinet.

“Put it together in the nursery,” You said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “It doesn’t make sense to do it here.”

“She’s not sleeping alone in a nursery,” He said. “You gotta keep her close the first few months at least. Unless you want a psychopath on our hands.”

“You read too much.”

“You don’t read enough.”

“Down the hall isn’t close enough?”

“Don’t be cruel.”

You watched him as he intently read the instructions word for word—ordering you around as he did so.

“A should snap into D,” He said, pointing the pieces out to you. “And B into C.”

“What?”

“A and D, B and C.”

“That’s so stupid.”

“Let me do it.”

It felt like everything was happening to you. You were nothing more than a variable in this equation and life was insistent on working you out.

~

“Just breathe for a second~”

“Is it happening?”

“Calm down~”

“Is it really happening?”

“Birdie, relax.”

You couldn’t, how could you? You were in labor, actual labor. Elvis had kept his wits about him when you told him but that didn’t stop you from succumbing to the feeling of impending doom that you had been trying to outrun for the past eight and a half months.

“Get off the phone, E,” You said, rushing him along. “We need to get there before they really start. I can’t handle it.”

“I’m coming,” He said, trying to keep his frustration at bay. “Go get dressed, you can’t go out like that.”

“I’m going to have a baby.”

“Go change,” He insisted. “You could use the distraction while I get this together.”

“Please hurry,” You said, going to find something decent to wear. “I don’t want to feel anything. I can’t take it, I already told you~”

“I know, darlin,” He said halfheartedly. “We’re practically already there.”

You were fully in labor when you arrived at the hospital and barely in time for the epidural. But, after twelve and a half hours, you were welcoming your first daughter into the world.

It was a moment that already felt surreal in your head but even more so as you watched it all play out in front of you. It was painless—as painless as it could be—and you were happy. At least that’s what you kept telling yourself. In reality, you had no idea what you were feeling.

“Birdie?”

“Hm?”

“Her name.”

Your eyes met Elvis’s as you held your daughter. He looked down at the both of you with such admiration.

“Are you asking me what it should be?”

“No, I’m telling you.”

“Birdie’s no name for a baby, E.”

“It could be.”

You looked down at the child in your arms, her eyes squeezed shut and her hands balled into tiny fists. “How about…Lark?”

“…I like it.” Elvis kissed your temple before leaning his head against yours and looking down at his daughter. “Y’know…we’re gonna have to tell the press soon.”

“Yeah, I know,” You responded. “I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.”

“It’s no rush.”

“Of course it is. They’re probably camped outside waiting.”

You turned your head when he didn’t respond, finding a telling expression on his face. “E…they are not camped outside waiting.”

“I don’t know how they found out~”

“Why would you say anything about telling them if they already know?” Your shift in tone startled the sleeping newborn in your arms, causing her to fuss. “Oh god, take her please~”

“Hey, it’s okay.” You weren’t sure if he was consoling you or the baby as he took her and stood from the bed. “It’s okay, hunna.”

You stared in the direction of the window, unable to see out but still picturing the press crowded around the building.

“What are they saying?” You asked, looking at him. “I know you’ve heard something so don’t lie to me.”

“It doesn’t matter,” He said in a hushed tone, walking the baby over to the crib that the hospital provided. “It’s just a shock, really. Most of the reactions are good.”

You didn’t believe him but you didn’t argue. You were too tired to go back and forth any longer.

After a restless night, you were awoken by Elvis saying that you were being discharged.

“Liz is here.”

“Why?”

“We have to go through the press to get out of here.”

“Is there really no other way?”

“They want to see us.”

You went through hair and makeup, nursing Lark along the way. You handed her off quickly after she was fed.

“Doesn’t hurt to hold her sometimes, bert,” Elvis said.

“Please don’t start calling me that,” You complained tensely as Liz zipped the back of your dress. You could hardly breathe in the stiff fabric.

“You don’t like it?” He laughed.

“No,” You exclaimed. “How do you get ‘bert’ from ‘birdie?’”

“D’You hear it, Lizzie?” He asked.

Liz shrugged and muttered something about hearing where he’d gotten it from.

“I can’t hear it,” You said. “I also can’t breathe.”

“You definitely don’t look like you had a baby twenty-four hours ago,” Liz said, adding the final touches. “They’ll love it.”

You enjoyed your brief interactions with Liz. She wasn’t talkative—by nature or per Elvis’s request you didn’t know. She finished up and left.

“What’s wrong?” Elvis asked when she was gone, laying the baby down.

“I don’t want them to see me,” You confessed. “I don’t want anyone to see me.”

“Why?” He wondered. “You’re beautiful.”

Your eyes threatened to roll at the compliment. You didn’t feel beautiful. You felt sore and tired—all but beautiful.

“It’ll be quick,” Elvis said. “Like tearin off a bandaid.”

The nurses insisted that you be wheeled to the car but you politely declined. You could make it walking.

Lark was carried out in her car seat first, heavily protected on all sides before you and Elvis casually strolled out of the building. It was pure chaos outside but you tuned everything out. When you finally made it to the car Elvis let you in before following suit. It was quick, like he promised.

*

“Andrea?”

You were shocked to see her waiting for you in the foyer when you arrived back at Graceland. She stopped you before you grew excited.

“I came back for the baby.”

You smiled despite her cold demeanor. “I’m so happy you’re here.”

Her expression softened when Elvis entered with the car seat in tow. He sighed as he shut the front door.

“You came,” He stated.

“For the baby,” Andrea clarified again, kneeling down to peek at her in the carrier. “What’s her name?”

“Lark,” You responded. “Like the bird.”

“You named her after a bird?” Andrea asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s sentimental.” You shrugged. “You don’t like it?”

“I think it’s a beautiful name.”

Your head snapped instantly in the direction of Dawn’s voice. She stood off to the side watching the interaction unfold.

“Aunt Dawn,” You said delightfully. “You made it.”

“I promised I would,” She said, opening her arms and wrapping you in her familiar embrace. “I had to see this to believe it.”

You felt small in her arms, like the child you once were. “I’m glad you’re here.”

She rubbed your back as she held you. “I’m here.”

“Let’s get you to bed, little bit,” Elvis said, cutting your embrace short. “Doctor’s orders.”

Things were different around the house with the baby and Andrea. Dawn stayed for a few days but ultimately returned to her house a few minutes up the road.

You promised to bring Lark over as often as you could, and you meant it. You aimed to go over every other weekend, but that changed into whenever Elvis could make the trip. He hated for you to visit Dawn on your own. You hadn’t paid it any mind until she brought it up one evening.

“It’s like he’s afraid to leave you alone with me,” She complained. “I’m your aunt. I practically raised you.”

“It’s not like that, Aunt Dawn,” You said as you buckled Lark into her seat. “He hates for me to travel alone. That’s all. There are crazy people out there.”

“He hates for you to do anything alone. It’s concerning.”

“No, it’s sweet. And he really enjoys our visits.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t do this.”

“I hardly recognize you. You look exhausted.”

“That’s because I am exhausted.”

“Andrea and Joel seem to think~”

“Are you really going to let Joel and Andrea ruin our day? They’re the reason he hardly lets me come over anyway. Have they turned you against him too?”

“My worry for you has nothing to do with my feelings about him.”

“Don’t believe anything they say, it’s all made up.”

“Why would they make these things up?”

“Because they don’t want to see us together.”

Elvis appeared from the house then, carrying Lark’s missing pacifier.

“Where was it, baby?” You asked, ignoring the disconcerted expression on Dawn’s face.

“Under the couch,” He said. “The drive back would’ve been hell without it.”

“You two be careful,” Dawn said. “It’s getting dark soon.”

“We will be,” You said, stepping forward and hugging her. “Don’t worry about me. Please, I’m okay.”

“See you, Dawny,” Elvis said, hugging her briefly as well. “I’ll bring them by again soon.”

“I look forward to it.” She watched the two of you climb into the car and waved as you left.

“What’s got her so worried about you?”

“Hm?”

“Dawn. You told her not to worry?”

You shrugged dismissively. “She’s always like that.”

He hummed, unsatisfied with your response. “Did you say something in particular to get her like that?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t know…she said I looked tired.”

Andrea was there to scoop up Lark the minute you got back. She claimed to not trust the two of you alone with her. She meant it as a joke but a part of you couldn’t help but think she was serious.

“I was about to take her upstairs,” You said. “She needs to get changed and fed.”

“I can do it,” Andrea offered as she bounced Lark in her arms. “I don’t mind.”

“That’s alright~”

“Let her do it,” Elvis said. “We’re gonna be down here anyway.”

“I was going to,” You said as he took the diaper bag from your shoulder and handed it off to Andrea. “It’ll only take a second.”

“I don’t mind,” Andrea insisted. “Go relax. I’m on baby duty.”

“Come on, bert,” Elvis said, laughing at the nickname as he guided you away.

You watched Andrea carefully climb the stairs until she was out of your view.

The scene downstairs was too chaotic and you would’ve preferred to be anywhere else. Elvis kept a heavy arm around your shoulders as you sat silently by his side amongst the group.

Despite your presence, there were still numerous women who had taken the same mundane interest in him as the hundreds (thousands, or even millions) who came before them. You couldn’t blame them, or the way they stared shamelessly—he was too beautiful to only steal a glance.

What they wanted from him was surface level, they craved his body, but his mind and soul were yours—some crude part of you wanted them to know that. You felt invisible next to him as their eyes locked on his every move.

“What?” Elvis asked when he noticed you shifting closer.

“I want to go upstairs,” You said, giving him a look and hoping he’d understand. You placed a suggestive hand on his thigh to further express your point. “Please.”

“Don’t, birdie, come on,” He scolded, moving your hand from his thigh.

“I need you,” You said. “Don’t you want me?”

His jaw twitched. “Why are you being like that in front of all these people?”

“They like watching so much, I figured we’d put on a show.”

“What?”

“A show, y’know…”

His eyes narrowed as he processed what you were saying.

“I want them to know that you’re mine,” You confessed.

“And the only way to prove that is to…?”

“Show them.”

“How?” He laughed.

“Kiss me,” You insisted. “Touch me.”

“You’re crazy,” He muttered under his breath. “I don’t know how I put up with you.”

His words hurt but in some sort of satisfying way.

He kissed your cheek and his deep voice vibrated in your ear when he whispered, “Go upstairs.”

You stood, trying not to pout as you left the room. You stopped by Lark’s nursery on your way by and you saw Andrea but you didn't make your presence known as you watched them. She was so good with her.

Elvis came up the stairs as you stood there and you immediately went to the bedroom without a word. You shut the door behind yourself, making him open it moments later.

“What? You have a problem with me?” He asked, slamming the door.

You faced him—crossing your arms.

“How can I help that they were looking at us?”

“They were looking at you, not me.”

“D’you know who I was looking at? You.”

“Do they know that?”

“Who cares what they know?”

“I do.”

“So, what, you want me to fuck you in a room full of people?”

You pushed him away when he stepped closer but even with all your strength he didn’t budge. You struggled against him when he grabbed your wrists, trying to pull away. His grip tightened and he forced you into a rough kiss. As much as you wanted to deny him you gave in quickly.

He made you straddle him when he sat on the edge of the bed, assisting your movements with a tight grip on your waist and making you grind your core against the bulge forming in his pants.

“You’re gonna finish what you were trying to start out there,” He said. “Do you understand?”

You aren’t sure what came over you in that moment, but you brought your right hand up and struck his cheek in one swift motion. He seemed as shocked by the action as you were, his head cocked to the side—frozen for a moment before acting suddenly.

He stood and shoved you onto your back, wrapping a hand around your neck.

You nodded in encouragement. “Hit me back.”

He kissed you, there was a gentleness lingering behind his touch that you wanted him to let go of. “Don’t be brutal.”

“I want it.”

“You want me to hit you?”

“Yes.”

He examined your expression for a moment before pulling away. You waited as he sat back on his heels and silently removed his shirt.

“Take off your dress,” He finally said, waiting expectantly.

You smiled and shook your head ‘no.’ He was on you immediately, forcing you onto your front before unzipping the back of your dress. He stripped you, leaving you in only your heels and panties.

“On your back,” He demanded.

You turned over but immediately lifted your foot, using the pointed end of your heel to keep him from coming closer. He grabbed your ankle and ripped the shoe from your foot before wrestling the other off.

He forced himself between your legs. You tried to push him away but he pinned your hands beside your head—he wasn’t letting up but you could feel his frustration building.

You forced a heavy moan and arched your back, playing up your pleasure and becoming pliant. He released your wrists and you put your arms around his shoulders—you let him kiss you fully before grabbing a fistful of his hair and pulling. You tugged harshly and he groaned.

“Don’t do that,” He said through clenched teeth. “Fucking let go.”

“Make me,” You challenged. “Hit me.”

“What’s that do for you?”

“It makes me feel like yours.”

You closed your eyes as he kissed you, releasing your grip on his hair.

“You are mine,” He muttered against your lips. “I don’t have to hit you to prove that, do I?”

“No,” You agreed, trying not to let your excitement show as he grabbed your jaw and made you look at him.

“You’re my girl?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know what that means?”

Your eyes widened when his ring and middle fingers suddenly pushed past your lips, forcing your tongue down. You gagged and tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let you. The rings on his fingers clanked uncomfortably against your teeth but you couldn’t avoid them.

“It means—” His face was close to yours. “—that you hold yourself together when other girls make you jealous, you don’t fall apart and turn into a desperate nag.” He only pulled away after you choked, his fingers covered in your saliva. “You should know that by now, birdie. You’re actin like an amateur.”

You hardly had a second to breathe before he was forcing you onto your back.

“You’re always asking why I never use your mouth and you can’t even handle two fingers. It’s fucking adorable.” His words must’ve had the effect he wanted them to, because he laughed when you started struggling again. “You’re just a little girl. You don’t know the first thing about what you’re getting into when you ask me to do shit like this to you.”

“You’d rather fuck one of them?”

“I probably would’ve if it weren’t for your bad attitude.”

You fought harder but he held you down under half his body weight.

“You don’t like that?” He asked knowingly, grunting as he thrusted his touch-starved erection against your core.

“No, I don’t fucking like that,” You spat. “You’re an asshole.”

“Your mouth.” He tutted, disapprovingly.

“Fuck you.”

“Say it again.”

“Fuck y~”

You were stunned by the slap that crossed your face. It didn’t hurt but it stung in an addicting way and made you throb with desperation.

“That’s what you want?” He asked, you could hear the panic reserved in his tone. He was checking in.

“Yes,” You reassured him.

“When did you get like this?” He muttered, sitting up and instructing you to remove his belt. “Come on. It’s the least you can do after being such a mean little thing.”

You sat up with him to unbuckle the belt. He took your face in his hands and kissed you, still unable to resist your lips.

“Say you love me,” He demanded, breaking the kiss. “Fucking say it.”

“I love you,” You said. “I love you, I love you, I love you~”

“Alright, shut up,” He interrupted. “You’re gonna get yourself off, d’you think you can do that?”

You followed him as he sat back against the headboard, letting him force you to straddle him. You brought your hand up in an attempt to land your revenge, but he caught your wrist before you could connect.

“Don’t try it again.” He tore your underwear from around your waist, ruining them. “Take my rings off.”

You reached for his hand and he pulled it out of your reach.

“Uh, uh,” He hummed. “Use your mouth.”

You hesitate but parted your lips anyway. He swore as you used your mouth to remove each ring, leaving his fingers glistening with your saliva.

“Last one,” He said as you spit another ring into his right palm and took his left ring finger in your mouth. He hissed as the wedding band slipped from his finger and into your mouth. He stopped you from spitting it out. “Keep it in your mouth. Don’t swallow it.”

You wanted to protest but focused your attention instead on not letting the ring slip down your throat. He kissed your chest as his wet fingers glided through your slick folds.

With his left hand occupied and his right arm wrapped around your back, you had a clear opportunity to land another sharp slap across his cheek.

He released an involuntary gasp upon contact, clenching his jaw and sighing through his nose.

“Spit,” He demanded, holding his left hand out for the ring. You let fall out of your mouth along with the pool of saliva that had collected.

He tossed the ring aside and leaned forward until you laid flat against the bed. He forced his fingers into you, curling them deep.

“It’s not enough that I married you, and gave you my child,” He said through labored breathing. “You want me to use you in a room full of people to prove a point.”

“People you would’ve had the luxury of screwing if I were nicer.”

“You know I say that kind of shit to piss you off.”

You released an accented moan as he slammed his fingers harshly into you, cutting your rebuttal short.

His hand found your throat again and applied more pressure. Your eyes widened in shock when your breathing was interrupted and you struggled to push him off.

“What?” He stopped moving. “Too soft? Harder?”

He waited another second and let go.

“Harder,” You gasped.

“Really?” His thrusts became longer and deeper—making your legs tremble as he reached that spot that made your toes curl. “But you’re crying, mama.”

He knew as well as you did that the tears in your eyes had nothing to do with you crying and everything to do with him choking you moments before. But he’d use the tears as a testimony to your pain if it made you appear frail.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asked, knowing the answer.

You wanted to tell him to keep going, but it was too much. The last thing you wanted to do was prove him right by affirming your sensitivity. Rather than appear weak, you opted for silence.

“Okay,” He whispered, kissing your lips gently. “I’ll take care of you, darlin, don’t worry.”

He sat up and silently motioned ‘come here’ with both hands—his lids heavy and his pupils blown with lust. You forced yourself to sit up, figuring it best to agree. He wrapped his arms around your torso, expecting you to wrap your legs around his waist.

“Stay,” He whispered. “What’re you gonna do?”

“…Stay.” You shivered when he entered you, relaxing into his hold and completely relinquishing your senses.

“Good girl…see? You can be a sweet girl.”

You couldn’t feel anything outside of him. You couldn’t see, hear, smell, or taste anything…only him.

“You walk around like you have so much to prove,” He said, his voice low in your ear. “I don’t know why.”

You couldn’t respond, you couldn’t form any words as that familiar knot started to form in the pit of your stomach.

“It’s like you’re jealous of a couple of strangers,” He continued, rocking his hips upward to thrust inside of you. “Do you want me to treat you like them? Like I don’t know you—like I don’t love you?”

The world fell away and for a moment you were just a body made up of electricity and burning pleasure. Your eyes rolled and you trembled. He kept going.

“Do you want me fuck you like a stranger?” He muttered, you couldn’t tell if he was talking to you anymore.

“Please,” You whispered, encouraging him. “…fuck me like a stranger.”

His hips stuttered and he came instantly, bursting inside of you like a teenager. You felt the warmth of his release pooling inside of you and seeping between your thighs.

You climbed out of his lap, leaving no time for either of you to come down or catch your breath. You tried to turn away—too woozy to get up—but he grabbed you by the arm and made you face him. You wouldn’t look at him, so he gripped your jaw.

“I love you,” He panted. “I…love you. That’s the difference. That makes all the difference.”

You met his eyes. “That makes everything okay?”

“No,” He admitted. “It doesn’t.”

You couldn’t read his expression—his lids were heavy with post-orgasmic bliss. He was still coming down from his high, not speaking for himself but from his pleasure.

“I’m sorry,” He muttered, nuzzling the crook of your neck.

You hugged him back, closing your eyes and allowing yourself to revel in his apology while he was sorry—because you knew he wouldn’t be for long.

He pulled away from the embrace after a few minutes. “Say it back.”

You smiled, you almost thought he hadn’t noticed. “I love you too.”

He smiled, content.

“You should get back out there,” You said. “Seemed like the night was just getting started.”

“I’m not finished with you just yet,” He said, smirking suggestively. “You’ve awoken something inside of me.”

“Oh no,” You said sarcastically, laughing as his hands shamefully roamed your body. “What have I done?”

“Where’s Lark?”

“With Andrea still.”

“Perfect.”

You squeaked in surprise when he rolled onto his back and pulled you onto his lap.

“Tell me what to do."

You paused. "What do you mean?"

His fingernails grazed your bare thighs as he smiled timidly. "I want you to order me around. Make me do things I wouldn’t usually do.”

You would grow to accept that there would be no final retribution or day of reckoning. No fight, no agreement, no threat, no reconciliation.

Those things didn’t matter when it came to the two of you. At the end of it all—good, bad, ugly and indifferent—you two would remain. It was an undisputed truth…wherever you went, you went together.

You could be opposites, or just alike, it’d make no difference. He could be like the sea. Open, free, abundant in what he could give. Charitable, but indulgent. Hazardous, but certain. You could be like the desert. Brutal, unforthcoming, full of life in some areas but destitute in others. Fertile, but not nurturing. Guarded, but unprotected. You could have been all those things and one simple fact would remain.

Wherever there was Elvis Presley, so too was his baby birdie.

—fin.

[theoldaeroplane]

jouwnaling

had a really, really nice day yesterday, was just in a lovely mood all day. I think it may have been related to the fact I did not get high the night before, so I'm going to try to test that theory and dial my usage down. I really enjoy weed and think it has a lot of benefits, especially for neurodivergent folk, but I'm recognizing that I used it as a way to cope with my situations last year. I'd like to wean myself off it a bit and be more present now that my life is starting to not suck. Still gonna keep it around for fun and really bad ruminating though. Weed makes it so much easier for me to hang out with people in person for a long time, and to go into overstimulating spaces.

Been having tons of fun rotating my version of Link in my brain for Antebellum (the WIP name of my LoZ fic). He has so many problems. He is a dumb motherfucker. I'm also consciously putting a lot of things I've been struggling with into this story, both to process them for myself and to give the fic, you know, that extra layer of authenticity, relatability? It's nice, I'm excited to be excited again. I'm gonna fuck up that elf boy so bad.

Had my second yoga class last night, it was nice. I'm not sure if I can afford to keep going but I'm going to try to. In a way it feels silly to pay for something I could technically do for free at home with a YouTube video, but I think the atmosphere makes a significant enough difference to be worth paying for.

Finally made a vet appointment for the dog. She needs her shots and I can't put off the fact she needs dental surgery any longer.

I really, really need to reopen commissions, but I still feel burned out on art. I'm trying to make some adoptables and YCHs as a middle ground. Haven't had a lot of success there yet. That said, I've been putting a lot of my energy into cleaning up my house and taking care of myself. The house is coming along really well, and hopefully soon I'll have it leveled out enough to make it a nicer space for my creative endeavors.

I applied for another job this week, one totally out of my field and experience: house cleaning. It's not something I'd ever considered, but I found the listing by chance and it occurred to me that a job where I just clean and listen to podcasts sounds like heaven. Especially for my autistic ass. No constant stream of customers. No dress shirts. No repeatedly explaining terms and price sheets. Just show up and clean. I'm sure such a job has its own frustrations (hard on the body, exceptionally gross houses, telling people when something is not in my job description, driving a lot), but, like. My current job---while I genuinely like a lot of the work, and I really love my boss and coworkers---the customer service aspect is killing me, the dress code brings back bad memories, and even though I'm working full time (over full time, even, I'm there 8:30-5 because I take a thirty minute lunch break) I'm not making enough to fully support myself. I keep getting sent home early because there's nothing for me to do, and my boss is only a regional manager and has been very forthcoming with the fact I am already at the absolute highest end of the payscale for my position without taking on more responsibilities.

The fact that I can be working full time and still have to rely on a side hustle, and even THEN can't put anything aside for savings, is awful. I can't do more hours, I can't take on more responsibilities, and I can't get a second job. Any of those things would seriously compromise my mental health and I have to take care of myself. I've always dreaded it when I'm asked to take on more responsibilities at my jobs. I don't want advancement, I don't want to manage anyone (I can barely manage myself!), I don't give a shit what my title is. I want to do my work really well, get paid, and go home.

And the cleaning job, at the absolute lowest end, still pays about 5k more per year than my current position.

So, currently, yeah, housecleaning sounds like a dream job. Show up. Clean. Leave. Repeat. The company in question also has glowing employee reviews on Glassdoor, with the worst things being "could pay better" and "sometimes there's favoritism." I don't have any qualms about """being a maid""" on like a social level or whatever. I like the idea that I would be making a tangible difference for individuals, instead of printing out hundreds of advertising mailers that are going to go directly into the trash. I finding cleaning very satisfying. I like the idea of not sitting around bored because there's no customers and nothing to do and I'm not allowed to have my phone out, and then getting sent home early so I miss out on half my pay for that day. And so much less masking! My god! It sounds like paradise!

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but sometimes that's because it really is better grass.

So. Hoping to hear back about that soon. I filled out a questionnaire thing for them yesterday that seemed like it was basically checking to see if I was a narcissistic sociopath or not. I have a weekend without any Special Events happening for the first time in like a month, just my tabletop games and my volunteer work. My clothes and bedding are all washed, I got most of the dog piss smell out of the carpet from when I was too exhausted to take her out often enough, and I cut my hair. I have a writing project again. I've been making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. I adore going out to the barn every saturday. My therapist says I'm doing really, really well. Everything's coming up Corgi, for now. Fingers crossed :)

[fandomcrysis]

All the hours I lost // 02

Part two: We're on earth to break each other's hearts

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x gn! reader

Genre: Itty bitty fluff and pure unfiltered angst

Warnings: Cursing (I have a really really dirty mouth :/), kinda delusional reader , fighting, alcohol, manga spoilers? well more like you'll need the manga to get more context to the story (Shibuya Incident arc)

Summary: When the initial magic of novelty wears off, when the honeymoon phase ends. Slowly the bittersweet moments just turn bitter and everything you so carefully tried to take care of withers. Yet you refuse to believe fate made a mistake connecting you. (Soulmates au)

Word count: 4.7k

A/n: Part two of my fic to @yuujispinkhair ’s Enchanted to meet you collab. Again I can't stress enough how amazing she is. 💕💖💘

This is a song fic, to get the full context please check out All too well by Taylor Swift! (You don’t have to it, makes sense without it but it makes more sense with it)

Well, another big boy fic, it's funny because I cut a whole ass scene from this one (it will go into part 3 instead) and it's still almost 5k words. I'm a huge fan of angst as is, but now I'm actually not doing too well so I feel like I'm in my joker phase xdddd. My villainry is just writing really hurtful angst, or at least I hope it is. (I will cry if it's bad angst instead hdhjfbsdjb) but I promise the next part won’t be this bad. Please enjoy~ 💕

This isn't beta read and I'm painfully dyslexic. So if you find something please let me know so I can correct myself.

Lovely people on the taglist💕: @cerealfrdinner797 , @brumous11 , @nappingwithyuuji

Part one

1 year 2 months 1 week 6 days 10 hours 3 minutes 1 second

“How about this one? Do you think he’ll like it?” Gojo shoves a blue plush lion in your face, to show it off.

“‘Toru, he’s one, you can buy him anything big and colorful and he’s gonna love it,” you state calmly while taking the winking lion from him. It fits all the criteria so it might as well be the one.

“So, can we get it? And this too then? They are both really cute, I can’t decide.” The tall man gives you a purple bear this time with a suspicious look on its face. Both the lion and the bear come from the same line of brightly colored wild animals, and you are sure Satoru will try to buy each one of them, one by one, if you don’t step in. It’s your friend’s son’s first birthday party and you don’t want to outdo his parents so you need to limit your partner.

“Baby, choose one and we’ll get him some kind of block puzzle with it. It wouldn't be appropriate to steal the spotlight with a huge gift,” you reason with the big kid that is your boyfriend. He takes one sad look at the lion plushie and he puts it back, from the looks of it the decision was a sad one but not a hard one.

“That was quick, I expected a whole scene. What made you choose the bear?” you question him in a cheery voice when you get to the puzzle section in the next aisle. He has the bear in his right arm hugging it to his torso. Satoru looks up from the 'find the pair’ game he picked up and looks at the bear with a little smile.

“It reminds me of my best friend,” his grin is wide, as he goes back to the puzzle in his hand. You look at the bear, curious what kind of person Gojo Satoru’s best friend would be. The bear is an eggplant purple, its thinner, tilted eyes make it look foxy and the mischievous smirk on its face gives the impression that he’s up to no good. Looking at the bear you can clearly see how a person like that would be friends with your boyfriend, they both look way too happy to wreak havoc.

“Do they look this shady?” you inquire further, while you look at another set of blocks.

“Yes, he does.” He sounds distant like he’s lost in the past.

“And is he? I mean as shady as he looks.” You latch onto this opportunity to know more about his life, although you have a feeling that you won’t get a lot out of him.

“He’s even worse than he looks,” he muses, now looking at the bear. The fondness in his eyes is clear, it makes you wonder if he would ever talk about you this way.

“Then I get why you are such close friends,” you say with a little smirk on your face, waiting for him to catch on. When he does he rolls his eyes at you with an amused smile.

“Do you really think I’m shady?” he pouts hoping that you would say no, maybe even give him a kiss.

“Of course, I do. I can’t name one person shadier than you. I literally met you while you were breaking into an abandoned church.” You hand him a puzzle to see what he thinks.

“You’re mean,” he replies with a sour look on his face which makes you giggle. How are you supposed to take him seriously when he has his hands full with children’s toys and he pouts just like a kid?

“Am I now?” You put your hands on your hips, waiting for him to approve of the gift. While he is busy with that, your eyes wander on the plushie again. He looks like he misses his friend. People don’t seem that lost in the past when they’ve met their best friend just the day before.

“Would you like the bear?” you offer him suddenly. As much as you want to know more you don’t want to get shut down again. Today is a good day and you don’t want to turn it bittersweet. That’s exactly why you force yourself to stop thinking about how you accepted that he will never let you in.

“What?” He furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“You look like you miss him. If you want we can get Kei the lion and you can get the bear. It would fit right in with your house if you ask me,” you explain, although you can’t help but point out how out of place it would be in his mancave. But maybe seeing that large bear in his house from time to time would make him feel better. He peaks at the toy, then back at you and pulls you in a half hug, as his other arm was full with the plushie. He presses a long kiss on top of your head, you reciprocate the hug by wrapping your arms around his waist and leaning into him.

“You really are the best, Love.” He murmurs when he leans back, as a response you press a quick peck on his lips. You marvel at the fact that you made him happy while watching him go back for the lion with the biggest grin on his face. After you gathered everything you wanted to buy, Gojo ventured off again to look at something while you were paying for the toys.

“You two are really adorable together, it’s rare to see people this in love,” the cashier smiles at you while he scans your items. You smile back at him and look back over your shoulder to your boyfriend before thanking him.

“And how old is the kid?” he inquires further as he puts the bear in a big bag.

“He’s one. I hope we got the presents right for his age.” You converse with the cashier hoping that you didn’t get anything he can’t use. Now, you kind of regret not asking your friend what to get.

“Oh no, these are perfect. I was just curious. Let’s hope the young man grows up to be like his dad.” You don’t want to correct him on the fact that you aren’t shopping for your child, it’s not like you’ll see the cashier again, there’s no reason to. As for the comment, you know he means well, and he probably refers to being tall or handsome or strong or just generally any of Gojo’s traditionally attractive traits. You know that, but honestly, you can’t stop your gut reaction.

“Oh god no, I would probably go insane if I had another Satoru running around.”

1 year 6 months 2 weeks 2 days 12 hours 22 minutes 50 seconds

“I can’t keep doing this, Satoru. And you can’t either. We’re supposed to be soulmates damn it. You can’t introduce me to even one of your friends! Hell, do they even know about me?” You are at your limit again. You were patient, you did your best to trust him, but you’ve known each other for a whole year and a half. And it’s been more than 6 months since the night at the park. Since his empty promise to try harder for you.

Nothing happened since, at least not on his end. You don’t know his parents' name, let alone met them. You on the other hand introduced him to your family because your parents were talking your ear off about finally meeting your soulmate. So, you took him home for dinner with your family. As expected he charmed your parents like it was his job, he actually made an effort to not come off as the jerk he usually is. You remember staring at him starry-eyed trying to digest the reality that you might marry this man one day.

“Calm down, please. It’s not a big deal, I just never got around to it,” he tried his best to diffuse the situation but it was just fuel to the fire. How can he say this? How can you trust him when he disregards your feelings like this? Again and again, he proves to you that he doesn’t care.

“How fucking dare you? How dare you tell me it’s not a big deal when you see how upset I am? Do you care this little about me? After everything? Is this just a game to you? To see how far you can push me? To see how much you can get away with? Do you find seeing me like this amusing?” It all just pours out of you. After months of hopeless pining for a functional relationship, you just can’t hold back anymore.

“What? Why would I enjoy this? You keep painting me as a fucking villain and you as the innocent victim.” He starts to lose his calm a little, which just escalates your feelings as well. He has no right to feel justified when he is clearly in the wrong.

“When you do this day in and day out I can’t do anything else just assume that you like making me suffer. And what the fuck do you mean that I’m painting myself as the victim. You hurt me a lot, a lot of times, you can’t sugarcoat this, Satoru!” You want to solve this in a more civilised way, but you can’t get a hold of your emotions. One cat got out of the bag and now every single one is jumping out.

“How about you don’t push me to do things I’m not ready for? You ask for too much! I open up a little and you try to rip me open to learn every one of my secrets. You have no business snooping in my life!” You should just leave before things get more ugly, but every single thing he says is so infuriating that you can’t just leave it like this.

“What? I asked too much? I asked you to do the bare minimum. To not treat me like you are ashamed of being with me! Do you have any idea what too much is? How about we talk about moving in? Or getting married? And what do you think of kids? I think two of them running around would be amazing right about now.” You can’t help the poison dripping from your voice. This all painfully reminds you of the nights you spent listening to your own parents scream at each other. Reminds you of how you swore you’d never be like them. Despite that, here you are. You’re just glad there’s no one around to witness it. Regardless, you continue.

“But it’s not like I could even think of bringing any of these up! Your side of the venue would probably be completely empty at the wedding!” You are screaming at this point but you couldn’t care less. In Gojo’s penthouse, there are no neighbours anywhere near so it’s not like they would call the cops on you.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about! Why would you even bring this up?” He isn’t screaming thankfully, but he is getting louder as well.

“Are you fucking delusional? Why do you think I bring it up? Everyone has kids and weddings or a ring on their finger at the very least! We are not getting younger Gojo and I don’t want to go to parent-teacher conferences and playgrounds in my fifties just because you couldn’t get your life in order in time. If you even want kids that is. I have no idea about that either because I can’t talk to you about anything related to our future.” You are an emotional mess as you collapse on his couch, defeated. You feel lightheaded as the situation hits you. You don’t know how this argument will end but you are sure of one thing: this will leave a scar.

“Talking? Is this what you call talking? You are screaming and breaking down again.” He doesn’t address anything about the actual problem, he can’t say anything to that. Somewhere in the rational part of his brain, a small voice tells him that you are right. A bigger part, however, refuses to admit blame.

“Do you think I’m enjoying this? Do you think I like that I have to have a complete breakdown for you to acknowledge me? I don’t trust you enough to bring any of my concerns up anymore. At this point, I don’t know which is worse, the fact that I’m afraid to bring anything up to you or that you are a fucking stranger in my bed.” You curl up on his couch as he starts to pace. Your words cut deep, but he can’t face that he is hurting you this bad.

“Why can’t you just trust me? Talk to me? I’m your soulmate.” He doesn’t stop for a second, he goes round and round, which doesn’t help you calm down. His restlessness is just unnerving you even more.

“Just because we are soulmates, it doesn’t mean everything will magically work out. This relationship is just like any other. And even if it wasn’t, we aren’t the only soulmates, somehow everyone else can work it out!” You stand up because you can’t just sit around. You go to his kitchen, which is only separated from the living room by a counter, to get a glass of water. You try to make an effort to calm down.

“There it is again! Why are you so fucking obsessed with other people? Why can’t we just do what’s good for us?” He goes to lean on the counter in front of you as you take out a glass from the cabinet. It would be nice knowing that you are this at home in his house but right now you could barely see from the anger.

“What’s good for us? Relationships work because of compromises. There are no compromises here, I’m doing everything I possibly can to make this work and you are acting like a butthurt kid just because I asked you to treat me like your lover not like a secret. In all reality, this isn’t a relationship. This is an affair, a distraction. You aren’t committed to me at all.” This hurts to say. It hurts so much because it’s true. You wouldn’t be at all surprised if it turned out that he is actually married already.

“What do you mean I’m not committed? I haven’t even looked at anyone else since I met you.” Satoru sounds a 100% convinced that he is right with this point. You can barely fathom how he thinks this makes him looks committed.

“That just mean that we are exclusive, not that you are committed. You just show up whenever you want to have some fun and leave. This is all we are.” You take a deep breath, yet your fury doesn’t subside so you continue even though you won’t be able to take these words back. “But prove me wrong. Look into my eyes and tell me that you would be here if I wasn’t your soulmate. I know I wouldn’t.”

Gojo Satoru is speechless for maybe the first time in his life. He silently watches you, dumbfounded, as you take a sip of your water, tears running down your face. You consciously make an effort to calm down, which is not easy with the heavy silence looming over you. But after a while you feel strong enough to go through with this.

“Satoru, we are clearly dysfunctional. We tried it, it didn’t work out. We can’t do the same thing over and over again and expect things to change. You made a point to show, time and time again, that you don’t want to step out of your comfort zone to meet me halfway. You don’t have to, it’s not an obligation, you are right about that.” ‘Deep breaths, Y/n, you can do this. Breathe in, breathe out, baby.’

“I… just can’t work with the little to nothing you are giving me now. Let’s just split while we can do it in peace. Neither of us is happy right now, so we’ll just keep jumping at each other’s throats.” You somehow manage to power through the break-up, you finish your water while trying to stop your silent sobs. Gojo is sitting on a bar stool, he holds his head up with one hand while he just stares at the counter before him.

Once you place your glass in the sink you go to change back to your normal clothes and gather everything you need. The whole house is eerily quiet, and the glass, metal, and marble interior just seems so much colder than it was a few hours ago. When you get back down Satoru is still where you left him, he doesn’t say anything, not even when you bid goodbye. You can’t even guess what it is that made him speechless.

Satoru is stuck. He can’t do anything but repeat your words in his head. He relived your breakup dozens of times in his head trying to make sense of it. It’s like he’s twisting the knife again and again. He can feel the pain but he still can’t rationalize you leaving. You are just… gone? He can feel everything he usually keeps under control overwhelm him. It’s paralysing. He feels like he’s drowning.

1 year 7 months 0 weeks 4 days 16 hours 17 minutes 56 seconds

You are in complete darkness. You can’t see anything. You can’t hear anything. When you start to panic due to the lack of information you finally hear a familiar sound; Satoru’s voice. You spin around so fast you almost feel light-headed, but when you see Satoru you actually feel like fainting. He is locked in a box, and no matter what you do you can’t get him to notice you or get him out of the box. You scream at the top of your lungs, you bang on the box until you can’t lift your arm anymore, it’s no use. You feel so helpless, it breaks your heart…

You miss him a lot. Well, that’s an understatement. You miss him every minute of every day, he just won’t leave your mind, not awake, not asleep. Your heart aches and that doesn't stop. It probably never will as long as you are away from Satoru. These past two weeks you can barely do anything, worst of all; you can barely sleep. Sometimes you even refuse to. You don’t care how bad it gets, you’ll do anything to stop the nightmares. Especially this recurring one about Gojo being locked away. It feels so chilling despite it being the least hurtful in theory.

You don’t have to think a lot about what the dream could mean. You shut out Gojo and it feels like your heart is trying to get revenge on you for the hurt you’re causing it. You know you love Satoru, and you are so afraid that there’s nothing in this world that could change that. Not time, not space, not his behaviour. Even now, you lie awake after waking up from that damned nightmare again. You barely got an hour of sleep and you aren’t sure if you can go back to sleep again.

You try so hard to remember all shit he did, all the times he brushed you off, all the times you cried alone in your apartment because he couldn’t make it when you needed him the most. Your heart and mind is trying its hardest to bury every one of Satoru’s wrongdoings under the happy memories, but you don’t want to forget. You can’t just erase everything, your love for him isn’t supposed to be unconditional. He needs to do better so you can forgive him.

Probably this is why you could go through with leaving because you think that he will come back to you. You think that whatever you have is strong enough to pull him right back to you, it has to be. You are soulmates for a reason, you have to be. Saying that you met at the wrong time is a lot easier than trying to come to terms with Satoru being the wrong person for you. Whatever this whole soulmate thing is, it can't make a mistake that big, can it?

There has to be something else, you just can’t accept that. It already is hard enough to do something else other than drowning in your self-pity you don’t need to open that can of worms. During the daytime you have to suck it up and work, you are an adult and nobody will else take care of you. But at night you can give in just a little, just let the emotions take over...

Why can’t you be like every other soulmate, why can’t you just work? Why can’t Satoru just trust you? You were going on and on about you trusting him, but wasn’t he the one who didn’t trust you? He couldn’t share absolutely anything important about himself. He didn’t feel the need to let you in his life, so how could you let him into yours?

1 year 8 months 1 week 5 days 14 hours 35 minutes 16 seconds

Work parties suck, you can’t let loose because you are working with these people and if you do, you are the topic of the office gossip for a while. That being said, everyone has those days, and sometimes you severely overestimate how much alcohol you can handle. Only this time it isn’t the case; you are just fine. Well, you aren’t fine but you aren’t drunk. Just heartbroken. Having to deal with everyone bringing up Gojo during the small talk was draining you.

You know they don’t mean to hurt you but lying that you and he are doing well over and over again broke you little by little. You couldn’t admit it, you are still very much in denial and want to avoid this whole thing. Unfortunately, you can’t, so you just say what ends that conversation the fastest, this way you don’t have to deal with the pity either. So yes, the few drinks you’ve had might have something to do with you weeping in the bathroom of the party venue, but they aren’t the sole cause.

You haven’t looked at pictures of you together in weeks. It was painful, but of course today everyone and their mother asked to see your boyfriend. In any other situation, you would bless the skies for giving you a man that knows how to take a picture of himself. Not today though. Seeing how his eyes sparkle while he’s looking down at you sleeping on his chest or how he playfully pouts as you take a photo of him while waiting for your food. They brought back so many memories. It’s hard knowing he’s not with you.

The one photo you keep showing everyone, it was your background too before it got too painful to look at. Gojo took the picture in an elevator mirror, his arms are around you and he tilts his head so his temple rests on the top of your head. You on the other hand barely peek out from his bear hug. The sheer happiness is evident though. Your eyes are a thin line, and even with lower half of your face buried in your red scarf, it’s clear that it’s from the wide smile on your face.

You miss these days. The good days, the days full of laughter. Right now you don’t even care why you broke up in the first place, you just want him back. You try to suppress your sobs, because in this state you can’t even talk. You hardly make out anything through the glossy wall of tears, but you somehow make it to his contact or at least you think you do. Your thumb is hovering over the call button. The only thing in your mind is missing him. You miss him so much, your chest never stops aching no matter what you do. You’re psyching yourself up to press the button when a familiar voice calls out.

“Y/n, is everything alright?” When the sound of your name registers you look up. It’s one of your colleagues, they stand across the room from you, looking concerned and confused. The adrenaline rush is instant from feeling like you just got caught committing some kind of crime.

“S-sure,” you try to answer confidently, but your sobs don’t let you say anything without stuttering. “Just, you know, lovers quarrel.” You quickly add because you realise you need to explain it somehow. People don’t just randomly break down. You know they wouldn’t tell people about you breaking down even if you were visibly intoxicated. You, however, aren’t the type of person to rely on chance, not when you can do something about it. This is why you purposefully give them a personal answer that they would feel bad about spreading.

“Do you want to talk about it?” they ask carefully, even though you two aren’t close you know they want to help you. As much as you appreciate it, you really don’t. You just want to go home and find something Gojo left in your house so you can cuddle it to sleep. This way you can pretend he is just away on a business trip. You take a deep breath and go to the sink and you lean on it.

“Well, not everything is sunshine and rainbows, but we’ll get through it,” you reassure them as you gather yourself enough to start covering up the fact that you cried. You need to leave this damn toilet sooner or later.

1 year 8 months 1 week 5 days 15 hours 03 minutes 39 seconds

You’ve just got out of the taxi and finished paying the driver when you feel the buzz in your pocket. At first, you think that it’s probably one of your colleagues sending you way too many messages at once. There were quite a few who got carried away with the drinks, giving you big hugs and promising to check on you when they got home. As if you were the one who needed to be checked up on.

After a second or two it was obvious that your phone won’t stop vibrating, instead insisting on getting your attention. You sigh, getting it out of your pocket. You don’t want to deal with anyone at this time of the day - night? - it’s late and you just want to get to bed. Alas, you gather your remaining energy for one more social interaction. With another deep breath, you glance at the caller ID.

‘Gojo Satoru’

You do a double-take. Your chest suddenly feels tight, the all familiar feeling of anxiety taking over you. Your hands start to shake as you rush to take the call. You are so afraid he will hang up before you get the chance to talk to him.

“Hello…?” you trail off, unsure what to say when you pick up. You daydreamed of this for weeks, but you didn’t think it would be in these circumstances. You imagined that he would show up at your house unannounced with a bouquet of beautiful flowers; asking for forgiveness. Or maybe he would keep ringing your doorbell at 3 am, too drunk to stay away from you. You didn’t expect a call. At night. Especially not from a sober Satoru.

“Oh, hey. I… I didn’t think you would pick up. I should’ve thought of something to say before calling you, haven’t I?” He sounds tired. During all these weeks you never thought about Gojo doing as badly as you do. It never crossed your mind that he might be tossing and turning all night as well. That he might have the same nightmares as you do. You assumed it’s hard on him too, but he was always fine. Seemingly sailing through life without a care in the world. He never sought you out for comfort, or at least he didn’t show it if he did.

“Satoru… Is everything alright?” Your voice is as shaky as your hands are while you try to slip your key into the lock of the gate.

“Yes. No… Shit… I guess I just wanted to hear your voice… God, I miss you so much. It’s unbearable.” he mutters, the pain clear in his voice. You feel your eyes already tearing up. You miss him too, more than you could express.

“Toru-” you start, you aren’t sure how you want to finish the sentence. But you don’t need to as he cuts you off before you could get out anything else.

“No, this was a terrible idea. I shouldn’t have called you, especially this late. Just forget about this. Okay? It’s not right… I’m sorry. I love you.” He doesn’t even wait for you to react. He hangs up.

As you get into your apartment, completely on autopilot at this point, you don’t even bother to wipe away the tears. Looks like he wasn’t happy with only breaking his promises, he needed to break you too. All over again; trampling on the pieces crushing them to even smaller shards.

Masterlist

[possiamo-andare]

Just You (3)

JJ x Reader x Rafe (love triangle)

MASTERLIST

word count: 5k

a/n: I can't believe it's been eight months since I updated this fic. y'all are probably dead by now and this will prolly get no notes lmao but I finally wrote the next chapter and it's so good in my opinion so please don't be too mad. enjoy!

~

Y/N needed complete silence when she was reading. If she didn’t, it was almost impossible for her to even read one page. As a child, in a room full of other screaming children, Y/N found it almost impossible to read. Most of her teachers misread this difficulty with an inability to read, which was not the case. This miscommunication actually worked in Y/N’s favour because the extra attention resulted in a greater love for reading. Y/N soon found herself reading everyday and even found it hard to put down a book. When she couldn’t get a physical copy of a book, she then went online and delved into a world where people created their own worlds and fantasies for their readers. Reading had become one of Y/N’s favourite hobbies and she could do it for hours.

Unfortunately, tonight was different. At around 6pm, just as Y/N picked up a book to read, loud music began to play from a distance. At first, Y/N tried to ignore it but soon, like mentioned before, the music began to get louder, and Y/N could not focus on the words before her. The more she tried to focus, the more distracted she became by the music. Soon, she could focus on nothing but the blaring music coming from across the street. Finally, after ten minutes of pure agony, Y/N got up from her bed and stormed down the stairs of her home. Her face is red with anger, and she desperately wants to know who the hell thinks playing loud music on a Tuesday night is acceptable. Unfortunately, she knows the answer the second she enters her kitchen.

Her parents are laughing with each other as they make their favourite snack. Every night, her parents make their favourite foods together as a way to unwind and talk about their day. Sometimes they shared it with Y/N and her siblings but on nights where her siblings were out with their friends and Y/N was the only one home, they usually just spent time with each other. Y/N hesitated for a moment and smiled to herself, thinking about how sweet her parents truly are. She wonders if the person she marries will have this type of relationship with her. She wonders, years from now, how she will look back on her time in OBX. She hopes she looks back with fondness. The moment is ruined though because her mother quickly looks up from the stove, a toothy grin on her face.

“Hello darling.” Y/N’s mother chirps. She reads her daughter's distraught face and since she can hear the music too, she knows why her daughter is upset. Without even letting Y/N speak, she answers the question clearly in her daughter's mind. “Ward Cameron’s son, Rafe, is throwing a party across the street. You can go if you want.”

Y/N snorts. “That boy has been rudely staring at me since we got here, and you think I should go to his house?”

This time, Y/N’s father turns around from the cabinet. “I hear JJ’s gonna be there.” There’s a small smirk on his face and it instantly grabs Y/N’s attention.

She tried to brush it off. “Well, I don’t really like loud music.”

Y/N’s mother scoffs. “Yes, you do.”

Y/N nods, tucking her hair behind her ears. She knows that if there’s even a hint of JJ being at the party, she wants to go. “You’re right, I do.”

Y/N had not been to a party in years. The last time she had it was in her first year of high school. She had just moved to that new school only weeks before and had made only a couple of friends. The friends she did make were nice and invited her to a party. The party was okay, and she enjoyed herself, but she was very awkward because she barely knew anyone. She promised that from now on, she would only go to parties where she knew more than one person. Now, she found herself breaking that rule just to see JJ.

Since Y/N was in her pajamas, she ran back up to her room to change. She didn’t want to waste too much time picking out clothes to wear so she quickly looked through her closet and found a white sundress with small blue flowers decorating the material. She had never worn this dress and, when she first bought it, was unsure if she liked it because it was shorter than what she was used to but now, she was glad she did.

She lay her sundress on her bed for a moment and turned to her mirror, where she kept a cabinet full of makeup. Before she even put on any makeup, she looked back up in the mirror for the second time. As she finally had a chance to breathe, she realized her breath was unsteady and her hands were shaking. It was hard for Y/N to put herself out there. Most times, she was afraid of the rejection, or even at the fact that the friends she did have would be gone. But she remembered her parents' words. She was to stay in OBX for the rest of the year. She would make friends here. She would have a life here. With a deep breath, Y/N began to get ready for the night.

~

Y/N keeps fidgeting with her hair. She knows the more she fidgets, the more upset she’ll be with how she looks but she seriously can’t help it. She only does this when she’s extremely nervous and she knows why. She’s two feet away from Rafe’s front door and the music has somehow gotten louder. It’s almost as if he’s continuously trying to play the music louder to get her attention. Of course, she knows that to not be true, but still, Y/N had realized that in the last twenty minutes since she had decided to get ready for the party and walked across the street, the music had indeed gotten louder. She rolled her eyes as she approached the door, the loud music getting annoying. At this rate, Rafe Cameron would be deaf by the time he was 30. Y/N pretended not to care if he went deaf at all, but a tiny voice inside her head told her that she had to care for him because no one else would.

With a deep breath, she knocks on the door. She doesn’t think anyone would hear it because of how loud the music is but it’s worth a try. She was raised to have manners and would not just enter someone’s house before knocking.

To her surprise, only a few moments later, the doorknob twisted quickly and someone on the other end of the door opened it. It was as if someone had been patiently waiting by the door all night, opening it in hopes that she would come. Of course, she knew this to not be true because the person who greeted her was none other than Rafe Cameron. And he found her annoying.

Y/N couldn’t help but admit how delicious he looked. He wasn’t dressed in his usual preppy attire, no. He wore these ripped, distressed black jeans and a fitted white shirt with a baseball cap to match. It wasn’t necessarily his style that had him looking so delightful but his face. He seemed very relaxed. In fact, this was the most relaxed she’d ever seen him. His usual straight posture was now more curled and casual. His face, which had always been pale and gray, was now filled with colour. He wore a cute blush across his cheeks and nose, and on top of the blush was a patch of light brown freckles here and there. Y/N figured he must’ve been in the sun all day. That and he was also high out of his mind.

“Y/N…” He trailed, his eyes glancing at her dress momentarily before returning to her face. Y/N feels a little self conscious under his gaze. She wasn’t exactly confident in her outfit tonight and he seemed, for the first time in forever, more confident than her. “You, um, you’re - you’re very…”

She involuntarily snickers, not realizing she’s doing it until Rafe hears it. His face changes into a dark frown and she has a deep need to apologize. He was probably just trying to be polite, and Y/N must’ve caught him just as his high was reaching its climax. “I’m what exactly?”

Rafe rolls his eyes, knowing that she’s teasing him. “You’re not invited.”

Well, she can’t say she exactly feels welcome right now, standing at the threshold of his door. He still hasn’t even let her in.

Y/N scoffs, her feelings only hurt a little. Although he didn’t look preppy, he looked just as douchy. “Well, your music’s so loud it could wake the dead. Maybe if you didn’t want uninvited people to come, don’t make it so obvious that you’re having a party.”

Rafe scoffs this time. “Aw, I’m sorry. Did I interrupt your bedtime?” He takes a swig of his beer bottle and Y/N almost forgets that he’s obviously been drinking. “Were you having a little read before you went to bed? Lemme guess; you were re-reading the Vagina Diaries for the tenth time?”

Y/N’s chest twinges with pain just a little, knowing that the book was on her bookshelf with a worn-out spine. He seemed to know her very well, but it only angered her because he got the answer right. “It’s actually Vagina Monologues, but nice try. I guess for someone who hasn’t opened a book in their life, the Vagina Monologues would be interesting.”

Rafe chuckles and she has a small urge to kiss the corners of his smile. Thankfully, once she swallows harshly, the urge disappears. “Just come in and don’t put your hippie feet anywhere near my furniture.” He finally steps aside, and Y/N takes that as the kindest invitation she’s gonna get from him.

“You mean, your parents' furniture.” She puts one foot in front of the other and tries to remember how to walk. Although it may not seem like it, she’s nervous. She’s not too good with crowds. As she passes Rafe, she can smell his cologne and she feel as though she might faint. For such an annoying boy, he really was intoxicating.

Rafe is not given enough time to throw a snide remark back in her face because someone has entered Y/N and Rafe’s little bubble. It’s another very handsome boy but this time, he’s sweet. He’s wearing preppy clothes (cargo shorts and a pink polo shirt - big shocker there) but he’s not preppy at all when he introduces himself.

“Hey! I’m Kelso; nice to meet ya!” He gives Y/N a half hug because his other hand is holding a beer, but she still gets the sentiment that he’s friendly. His hand respectfully lays on Y/N’s shoulder and Y/N actually hugs him back even though that’s not her thing with strangers.

“I’m Y/N, and it’s nice to meet you too!”

She watches as his brows go from a relaxed arch to a surprised arch instantly. It seems that whatever she has said has caught him by surprise. “Oh? You’re Y/N?” Kelso looks to Rafe for a moment, his eyes narrowing in amusement. Rafe tries to indirectly tell him to stop by flipping him off, but it only encourages Kelso. “I guess we have you to thank for this incredible party then!”

Y/N frowns, turning around to look at Rafe. They’re still in the entryway of his house and she hasn’t so much as taken in her surroundings, but this seems too important to ignore. What does Kelso mean? Did Rafe throw this party in hopes that she’d come? There was no way. Doesn’t Rafe find her completely annoying and obnoxious? If so, why would Kelso say such a thing?

“He’s joking right?” Y/N tries to confirm from Rafe but by his meek smile and his cheeks that have only gotten redder since she entered his home, she knows there’s some truth in what Kelso is saying.

Rafe shrugs, trying to come up with a lie. He had confided in Kelso as a way to relieve the stress that liking Y/N has caused but instead, Kelso just had to mess it up. “Well, not exactly.” His mouth is forming a lie before his brain can even properly think of one. “I mentioned to Kelso that you’ve probably never been to a party in OBX, so he must’ve thought I threw it for you.”

Y/N nods, confused as to why she feels a little sad. For some reason, a little part of her hoped that Rafe had thrown a party for her to notice him but alas, it had all been a misunderstanding. “Oh, well, okay.”

Except it wasn’t a misunderstanding at all. Rafe had told Kelso that the only reason he was throwing this party was for Y/N to notice him in a new light. He knew she thought he was just another annoying preppy Kook and he wanted to change that. He thought maybe, just maybe, if she had fun tonight with him, she’d finally start to see him as he truly was, a loveable dork. Unfortunately, that seems to be ruined now.

Before any more words can be exchanged, someone yells for Y/N. She instantly looks to the crowd of people in Rafe's backyard and sees JJ and Pope. The door to his backyard is open so the yelling is clear and not muddled by a barrier. They seemed to have been yelling for a while because they looked exasperated. Y/N watches as JJ stands from his lawn chair and motions for her to come sit beside them. She smiles for one of the first times tonight and nods, the pressure on her chest lifting when she sees her two friends. She wanted to take to Rafe later and get the full story because she had a feeling, he wasn’t telling her the complete truth, but she wanted to greet her friends first. She’d get to Rafe later. For now, she wanted to relax.

When Y/N departed from Rafe and Kelso, awkwardly waving goodbye before maneuvering to the back of Rafe’s house, Kelso spoke first.

“Dude, why didn’t you tell me she didn’t know this party was for her?”

Rafe glared at his friend. “You really think I’d tell her that. Now she probably thinks I’m even more creepy than before.”

Kelso rolls his eyes at how dramatic his friend was. “You didn’t see her reaction, bro. I don’t know if she even knows it herself, but she definitely likes you.”

Rafe rolls his eyes. He doesn’t allow for his hope to rise because he knows it’s not true. He can’t let himself have any more hope that the new girl in OBX would want to have anything to do with him. She can’t like him because no girl like her ever has. So, instead, he steals glances at her for the rest of the night and hopes to God he can get high enough to forget about the beautiful girl across the street.

~

Y/N tried to enjoy herself, she really did. And to JJ’s credit, he tried to help her relax and have some fun. She drank the beer that was offered to her, danced with JJ and Pope, and even took two puffs of JJ’s joint. But, although she felt thoroughly buzzed, Rafe never left her mind. She tried to throw a few sneaky glances his way the entire night, but she couldn’t find him. She even left her spot beside JJ and pretended to get a refill on his nasty beer just to see if she could spot Rafe. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be seen. At first, she thought it was just because she wasn’t looking hard enough but soon, after three whole hours of not seeing Rafe even once, she realized he was avoiding her. And if he was avoiding her, it meant that he was embarrassed from their conversation at the beginning of the night. Which meant that he lied, and he had in fact thrown this party just for her.

This revelation crept into her mind slowly throughout the night but when it finally sunk in, she was speechless. She didn’t know how to react. Sure, there was a slim chance that he had been telling the truth but the less she saw of Rafe at his own party, the more she realized that he had lied to her.

JJ had noticed how off Y/N seemed. When they had seen each other earlier in the day for her surfing lessons, he had made a fool out of himself. They had been practising for a few hours before they both called it quits, deciding to pick it back up the next day. Before departing, JJ offered her ice cream for a hard day's work, and she gladly accepted. They both ordered the same flavour (mint chocolate chip - he swore they were soulmates because of this) and ate it as they talked. When they were both finally finished, Y/N went to hug him goodbye, but he instead extended his hand awkwardly for her to shake. She seemed slightly embarrassed, but he was even more so. He had wanted to hug her but didn’t want to without her permission, so he thought a handshake was the safe bet. Unfortunately, he thought wrong and now, that awkward interaction was burned into the back of his mind. He was worried that’s why Y/N seemed so detached, barely speaking. When she had gone to refill her cup, JJ looked to Pope for advice. He had never been so needy for a girl’s approval before and since Pope seemed to want everyone to like him, JJ thought he’d give the best advice.

“So,” JJ sighs and he finishes telling the story of their awkward interaction. “Do you think that’s why she’s been so quiet?”

Pope snorted. “JJ, I think it’s just you. I doubt she even remembers it.”

Although his friend tried his best to reassure JJ, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was burdening Y/N’s mind. But, before JJ could continue his conversation with Pope, Y/N reappeared with a glass full of beer and a somber face. The topic was not brought up again.

JJ had been right though. Something was burdening Y/N’s mind. It’s not everyday that a girl finds out a boy who she thought saw her as a bothersome girl actually saw her as much more. It’s a difficult experience to relate to and not a problem Y/N thought she would have. Apparently, Rafe was better at hiding his true feelings than she thought. She had always assumed that when she’d catch him peeking through his window, watching her ride her bike with her brothers or bask in the sun as she read another book, he was judging her. She assumed he was making fun of her and her hippie family. And when they had first met in the main office of her school, it only solidified in her mind that he saw her as a joke. But instead, he might’ve actually liked her. You clearly only watch people in that way if you hate them or like them and since it clearly wasn’t hate…

No. She wouldn’t let her mind go there. Besides, even if he liked her, who was to say if she even liked him? He had been nothing but rude to her, even when he had technically invited her to this party. He called her a hippie (not offensive by itself but when Rafe said it, it might as well have been), watched her from his window with a scowl, and was a complete snob. If Y/N knew what was good for her, she’d stay far, far away from Rafe and anyone he associated with. But Y/N was a dumb teenage girl and curiosity got the better of her. She needed to find another good excuse to go inside and search one last time for Rafe.

The excuse presented itself when JJ made a small remark of how thirsty he was. Y/N jumped at the opportunity to refill his drink, even though he offered to go himself. But she insisted, taking his cup from his hands before he could argue any longer. As she made her way back inside, her eyes looking for the handsome brunette, Pope leaned closer to JJ.

“See? And you thought she didn’t like you?”

JJ nodded, feeling better about the whole ordeal. Unfortunately, if he knew why she truly had wanted to venture inside, it’s doubtful he would have felt better. He probably would’ve felt worse. But he didn’t know, and he wouldn’t know for a while longer.

Y/N first made her way to Rafe’s huge kitchen where all the kegs were lined up. Half of them were already empty but the night was coming to a close and soon, half the party would leave and only Rafe’s closest friends would stick around until 5am. It was midnight now and although she didn’t have a curfew, she wanted to be home by at least 1am. So, as she filled only JJ’s cup, she decided against filling her own. She didn’t want to be too tipsy in case she ran into Rafe. Although, by this time, she thought it was very unlikely that she’d ever see him.

Just as that thought crossed her mind though, another person entered the kitchen. Y/N recognized him immediately. It was Topper. They had never interacted much, just a brief wave whenever she’d pass his house when she rode her bike. If he was outside, which he had only been once or twice, he’d wave, and she’d wave back. Other than that, they never spoke. Until now.

He stood beside her, filling two glasses with beer. His blond hair was wet and sticking to his forehead, but his hands were so full, and he was so drunk he didn’t seem to notice. Y/N had seen Rafe’s pool, but she did not find herself on that side of his house for many reasons (the pool was on the other side of the backyard, she didn’t bring a bathing suit, and her mind was busy with more important matters). Topper seemed to be struggling with refilling two cups, his hands shaking just a little. Y/N instantly registered that he needed help and decided that busying herself with assisting Topper would help take her mind off Rafe.

“Here,” Y/N offered, setting JJ’s cup down on the counter. “Let me help.” She takes one of the glasses from Topper and begins to fill it up, all the while keeping an eye on Topper to make sure he doesn’t spill the other cup.

“Thanks.” He mumbles, swaying back and forth to the music that is blaring from somewhere inside Rafe’s house. Y/N can’t help but smile a little at this giddy boy who would otherwise be embarrassed for acting so weird if he was not so drunk.

Unfortunately, not even helping Topper can keep Y/N’s mind off Rafe. She wonders that since Rafe must’ve told Kelso something about her, Rafe could’ve confided in Topper too. From the gossip that JJ had told her, Topper used to date Sarah but even after they broke up, Rafe and Topper remained friends. So maybe, just maybe, Rafe had said something to Topper about her? She figured even if she asked Topper, it would never get back to Rafe. Topper was clearly drunk and would not remember the conversation he had with Y/N. No harm, no foul. Right?

Unfortunately, that idea was quickly squashed because just as she began to open her mouth, someone else entered the room. It was Rafe.

Rafe had skillfully avoided Y/N all night, while still stealing glancing her way. He never noticed that she too had been looking for him. He was so nervous that he’d eventually bump into her that he would make Kelso check every room before he entered it. Unfortunately, Kelso was drunk by midnight and could no longer help Rafe. Rafe tried to let it go, figuring you were probably gone by now. So, he asked Topper to refill his cup as he helped Kelso into his mom’s car. But, when Topper still hadn’t returned by the time Rafe entered his home, he thought there was no harm in checking up on him. Apparently, there was a lot of harm in that.

And now, there they stood, facing each other for the first time since the beginning of the night. Rafe wanted to turn back around and leave but he had always made a fool of himself, and he knew that if he awkwardly left without acknowledging Y/N, she’d surely think even lower of him. So, as soon as their eyes made contact, Rafe awkwardly raised his hand and waved. He could feel the awkward smile painted across his face and Y/N seemed to mimic him.

“Hey.” He squeaked out, taking both cups from Topper before speaking to his friend. He figured the less he looked at Y/N, the less awkward he would feel. He was wrong. “Top, why don’t you lie down on the couch. I’ll bring the beers soon.”

Topper only nodded, slowly making his way out of the kitchen, leaving his friend and Y/N in there alone. Alone for the first time since the beginning of the night. Both their pairs of eyes were trained on their drinks; Y/N was clutching onto JJ’s and Rafe held one for him and one for Topper. No one spoke for a while. Y/N had waited all night to get Rafe alone, just so they could talk and now she didn’t know what to say. She awkwardly shifted the weight in her feet, unable to think of the first thing she wanted to say. They were only five feet apart, but they might as well have been worlds away.

Rafe was in agony and decided to get it over with. He spoke first. “So, are you enjoying the party?” He spoke so formally, as if he was chatting with his grandmother, but he was too uncomfortable to speak any other way.

Y/N nodded, relieved he had taken the first leap forward. “Um, yeah. Never knew that kids could throw parties like this.”

Rafe smiled for a moment, happy that she was so amazed at his dullest party of the year. His heart fluttered at the thought of Y/N dancing in that beautiful white dress with him. Holding onto him as they swayed to the music, pulling her close. Close enough to -

“So, Rafe, I wanted to talk about earlier.” Y/N began, playing with the skin around her nails. It was a nervous tick she had yet to get rid of.

Those eight words destroyed Rafe. At that moment, he knew she had not believed his original lie. He wasn’t too surprised though. He was a shitty liar and Y/N seemed to pick on everything he did. Although he would rather rip his fingernails off one by one than have this uncomfortable conversation with Y/N, he knew he’d have to give her the answers she was looking for. Even if that meant embarrassing himself.

Finally, he nodded. “Um, uh, okay. What’s up?”

Y/N began to speak but before she could get a coherent sentence out, someone else entered the kitchen, making a bunch of noise as he did. Their eyes met instantly and when she recognized who he was, her back straightened slightly as if she had been caught in a salacious act. It was JJ.

“Y/N, what's taking so long?” He stops just after he enters the kitchen and as soon as his eyes go to Rafe, his smile drops. He’s confused beyond belief. He doesn’t know why Y/N is speaking to Rafe. He didn’t even know they knew each other. “Uh, am I interrupting something?”

Y/N forces a smile, glancing at Rafe briefly before walking past him and towards JJ. She hands JJ his cup and he gladly takes it, a look of pure confusion written on his face. “No, Rafe was just asking me if I am enjoying my first party in Outer Banks.”

JJ's eyes shift to Rafe, whose face is pure white. “Really? How… kind?”

Y/N knows JJ is suspicious so to curve his focus back on her, she reaches up to cup one side of his face. JJ’s eyes instantly fall back onto her, a small smile back on his lips. “Walk me home, JJ. I’m getting tired.”

JJ nods sweetly, placing his hand over the one that’s cupping his cheek. “Sure. Go get your stuff and I’ll meet you at the front of the house.”

Y/N looks back to Rafe one more time, a small smile on her face. Rafe pushes his lips into a thin line, nodding goodbye to her. She does the same, leaving the kitchen as quietly as she entered. Y/N’s afraid to leave JJ and Rafe alone but she really has no reason to stay any longer. She hopes that she can get Rafe alone soon so they can have an actual conversation. Tonight, was kind of a disaster but being with JJ and having such a fun time with him made up for it. She knows JJ is the type of guy she should be with. He’s fun and carefree and they’re too much alike to not get along. Even though this is all true and she does have feelings for JJ, there is a part of her that yearns for Rafe. And that part scares her.

Once Y/N is gone, JJ’s smile drops, and he turns back to Rafe with a menacing glare. “Look, I don’t know what your game is here, but I really like Y/N. We both know you’re not her type. So do both of us a favour and leave her alone.”

And with that, JJ was gone too. Leaving Rafe alone.

Even with all these people in his house, Rafe never felt more alone.

~

taglist: @tovvaa @canyoubuymetoast @multisimpinghoe (sorry to these queens for waiting so long lmaooo)

[dollslayer]

For the drabble challenge: Bucky Barnes / He took the last treadmill

Gains

Bucky Barnes x Reader, No Powers AU Summary: Bucky Barnes has stolen the last treadmill and with it, the last shred of your patience. W/C: 2k Warnings: Smut, swearing, semi-public sex, unprotected sex A/N: I wrote this for @syntheticavenger's 5k How it started/How it's going celebration/challenge!! I know it's been a minute since I've written anything but if you liked this please comment/reblog! Main Masterlist

How it started -

You heaved a heavy sigh as you finally got into your car. Looking at the clock on your dashboard you noticed it was nearly 11pm. You were fresh off of a late night at the office that ended with you being chewed out in the boardroom for someone else’s mistakes and desperately needed to release all your pent up rage. You can’t run away from your problems but you can damn well try at the gym.

You reached for the door but before you could reach it a large hand was pulling the handle and holding the door for you. The hand lead to a thick forearm with veins trailing up to perfectly sculpted biceps. You peered up at the owner of the sculpted arm and found it belonged to maybe the most gorgeous man you’ve ever seen. He has crystal blue eyes and pillowy lips curved slightly into a grin. Strands of shoulder length hair are falling out of the small bun he’s tied it into and into his face.

You didn’t realize you’d stopped midstep, leaving him waiting on you to walk through the entryway. Quickly looking away with a huff of small embarrassment you muster a small thank you and pick up the pace towards the locker rooms. You were suddenly feeling nervous at the realization that you’d have to work out in front of him but the thought of him in less clothing was appealing enough to distract you.

You’d figured given the hour that the gym wouldn’t be so busy but looking around it was teeming with activity. As if your day couldn’t be any more annoying, one lone treadmill stood open so you hustled to the locker rooms to change so you could claim it.

Just as you were about to put your phone in your locker and head out you were bombarded by a slew of work emails, making you furious all over again. Anger refueled, you set off with new determination for the treadmill. Just as you were about to enter the main gym area the same guy that held the door open for you was headed in the same direction. Smiling, you held the door open for him this time with a small laugh, which he thanked you for before bounding off.

His huge stride was heading in a direction that was giving you a bad feeling. You tried to fastwalk past him, hoping that you could beat him there but before you could touch the rails he was stepping onto the last fucking treadmill. You came to a stop with a look of disbelief and he looked over his shoulder and smirked at you.

“Somethin’ wrong, doll?”

“No,” you scoffed before walking away towards the ellipticals.

With the state of your temper right now you didn’t trust yourself not to blow up on him. You tell yourself that the gym asks people to only use equipment for a certain amount of time, someone’s bound to get off soon. You were breaking a sweat but it wasn’t really releasing all the built up tension you had like running would. Glancing over you spy one open treadmill, but of fucking course the only one open is next to him.

Heaving a sigh you turn up your music and step up to the treadmill intent on ignoring him. His head turns slightly towards you and out of the corner of your eye you spy a smirk. You roll your eyes and up the pace, hoping to block out the rest of the world for a bit.

You let yourself get lost in the workout and finally felt some of your frustrations melt away. When you’d reached your limit and got off you looked around and realized that the man was gone, so was most everyone else. Checking the time you noted it was nearly 2 AM and you figured you’d better call it a night if you were ever going to deal with the shit show that awaited you tomorrow morning at the office.

Walking back to the locker rooms the man from earlier was passing you on his way out and gave you a mischievous grin.

“I steal your treadmill back there, doll?” He asks playfully.

“Don’t let it happen again” You say jokingly with a small smile, still slightly annoyed.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” He chuckles, “Have a good night.”

You wish him a good night as he walks on past you, notes of his body wash hitting your senses. As annoyed as you’d been you definitely wouldn’t mind running into him again.

Another week or so had gone by and another fiasco at work had erupted. You weren’t sure how much more of it you could take but you’d made a habit of running at the gym whenever shit went down at work. You’d yet to run into the handsome stranger again but he’d probably just distract you anyway so it was for the better.

You’d opted for lifting light weights and in doing so, you’d completely missed Man Bun just across the room. You’d forgotten that you wanted to run. You got up and turned towards the treadmills. You had stepped forward just in time for Man Bun to take the last. Fucking. Treadmill. Again. Your jaw actually dropped a little and didn’t try to conceal your scoff.

“Come on!” you even stamped your foot a little. After the time you’ve been having at work all you’d wanted was to let off some steam but here he was again with his cocky attitude treating it like a joke.

He actually stopped the treadmill and turned around, a toothy grin proudly on display.

“I did it again, didn’t I? Don’t worry I’m sure someone else will be off soon”

How it’s going -

Your back met the cold tiles of the shower as he pushed you back with a harsh kiss. His lips caught yours, stealing your moans as his large calloused hands ran their way down your curves. You focused your efforts on pushing down his sweats, his cock springing free from its confines.

“No underwear? How presumptuous” You ask against his lips with a smile.

“What can I say? I was feeling lucky”

He hooked his fingers in your leggings and pulled them down. You hastily stepped out of them and worked to remove your top, leaving you in only a sports bra and your panties. He paused for a second before taking your panties in his fist and snapping them in one go. You gasped, slightly shocked but it just turned you on further.

He was to the point in what he wanted, his fingers finding your core and sinking right in. Your moan turned into a whimper as he curled his fingers inside you, hitting you right in your G-spot. You were feeling small under him, his perfectly toned chest proudly on display and his biceps bulging as he pumped his fingers in and out of you.

The pleasure you were feeling in this moment had you in disbelief that you’d ever been hesitant of him when he cornered you earlier.

By the time you’d finally gotten done with your run you’d realized everyone had petered out, even Man Bun. You reckoned it was time for you to head out too. It was kind of eerie being alone in the gym so you wanted to shower and get out as quickly as possible.

As you were about to push the door open a familiar, large hand covered yours. You could feel his body heat and smell whatever soap he’d used, that’s how close he was. You turned around and he kept his arm outstretched past you, you were practically in his arms.

Your eyes met his and you let out a shaky breath, you weren’t really sure what to make of the expression on his face. You raised your eyebrows in waiting.

“Just wanted to apologize, for takin’ your treadmill and all. Seems to be a habit of mine, huh?”

“I’m starting to think you meant to.”

“I gotta admit, I saw you gunnin’ for that treadmill and I wanted to beat you there. What do you say I make it up to you?”

He was definitely making it up to you now. He was a man on a mission, pressing his palm firmly against your clit and working against your spot, trying desperately to get you to cum. You couldn’t do anything but cling desperately to his shoulders. Your cries were getting louder as he brought you closer and closer to the edge. You finally snapped and came with a shout before nearly slumping against him. His arms caught you and he laughed a little to himself.

“So fuckin’ good for me, you’re gonna take me so well.” He pressed a sloppy kiss to your temple as you tried to get your bearings. You reached down to grab his cock in your hands, he was rock hard and you wanted nothing more than to run your tongue along them.

You shakily began to sink down to your knees but a strong hand grasped you by the shoulders and pulled you up before you could.

“Just wanna feel you” He breathed out before pressing a kiss to your lips.

It was your turn to smirk at him, slowly standing up to your full height. He kissed you again as his large hands grabbed your breasts one at a time, toying with your nipples and making you whimper just slightly. You could feel his cock hard against your thigh and decided you needed him now.

You lifted your thigh up over his hip, which he was all too eager to hold while you grabbed him and positioned him at your entrance. His other hand grasped your hip and he thrusted into you with determination, causing you to let out an obscene moan. He was hitting you so deeply and when he began moving you swore you couldn’t take him.

He hooked one arm under your leg as he pistoned in and out of you at a pace you weren’t quite ready for but you’d reveled in the feeling of. He was hitting you deeper than you’d ever thought possible by anyone else you’d had before.

“Shit,” He huffed, “Gonna fuck you stupid?”

You could only whimper in response as he did just that. He wasn’t holding anything back as he thrust into you over and over. You were quickly becoming overwhelmed but in the best way possible. You couldn’t help the noises that came out of you, couldn’t help the begging for him to continue.

As he pistoned in and out of you while keeping a vice grip on your leg you let out the most wanton little mewls, only spurring him on further. He was dragging every inch of him out of you and then slamming it back in, all the while his thumb toying with your clit. You weren’t sure how much longer you could hold out and you couldn’t tell what was more exciting, the thought of him ruining you or the realization that anyone could walk in and see you two. Right now you didn’t care so long as he kept at it.

You tugged at his tresses, pulling them loose from the low bun they hung in, eliciting grunts and groans from him. You latched your mouth onto his neck and found his sweet spot, sucking a deep bruise into it.

“Fuck, babydoll, I don’t know how much longer I can hold out”

“Then don’t”

That was all the motivation it took for him to slam into you at full force, his fingers working double time to help you reach your high once more. You thought you couldn’t take anymore as he slammed into you harder than he had and bit harshly into your neck as he spilled himself inside of you with one final thrust.

You cried out as you came around him, feeling your pussy pulse in waves as you registered the aftershocks. You leaned your head back against the tiles while you tried to catch your breath, vaguely hearing his own sighs. Finally feeling up to sorts, you looked up at him only to find his hazy blue eyes boring into yours. A part of you can’t believe you’d done such a thing in public with a man who was practically a stranger but the other part was just as turned on by the fact.

“Think I’ve given enough penance for you, doll?”

“Not even close.”

[hufflepuffhollander]

off limits: tom holland one-shot

a/n | this is my submission for @chloecreatesfictions’ 1k writing challenge! i’ve never done the “brother’s best friend” trope and i def got a little too excited and carried away! real talk, this might be the cutest thing i’ve ever written

summary | as harrison osterfield’s younger sister, you’d always just seen his best friend tom as an annoying older brother. until, one day, you didn’t.

cw | tom x osterfield!reader. contains language, alcohol, recreational use of weeeed, teenage angst, sexual tension, fluff n’ stuff. 5k words.

For as long as you could remember, Tom Holland had been a stitch in your side that you could never get rid of.

Growing up as your older brother’s best friend, he was always at your house when you were children— and his favorite pastime when Harrison was boring him was to break into your room and mess with you, stealing your toys or running his hands across the piano keys when you were trying to practice in peace. No matter how many locks you put on your door just to keep Tom out, he was always able to pick them.

As you all got older, he grew to annoy you in a different way, blasting loud, grungy music through Harrison’s bedroom walls late at night or eating things out of the fridge that clearly had your name on them. Once he’d started to garner some attention as an actor, his ego skyrocketed, and somehow he became an even bigger nuisance. He dragged Harrison away from you and took him all over the world while you had to sit idly by and love your brother from a distance.

When Tom would come over now, he would talk of nothing but hollywood parties and getting drunk with the biggest a-listers when he knew you were listening. He would ignore you when he breezed past you in the hallway, and even had the audacity to go into your bedroom when you were out and smoke a blunt on your bed so your whole room smelled like a music festival when you got home; and worst of all, it was your weed.

It was sufficient to say you were Tom Holland’s least enthusiastic fan. And it was rather unfortunate, because you were a big stan of the MCU—and secretly loved getting high and watching and re-watching the spider-man movies the most. Okay, don’t make that face. They have a good storyline.

It was a regular Friday night, you were aimlessly scrolling through your phone while Harrison and Tom were getting ready to go pub hopping. Harrison always invited you, but you never took him up on his offer because you knew how flirty you got with alcohol in your system and wouldn’t dare feel that way around Tom. He was notorious for taking anything nice you said about him and rubbing it in your face for at least a week after. 

“You know you secretly love me, babe.”

You hated when he called you babe, and he knew it. But since you’d both grown up, time had done you both a favor, and there was always an air of something you couldn’t quite place your finger on whenever you interacted...the pet name just made it more interesting.

“Hey, y/n, are you sure you don’t want to come out with us?” Harrison yelled from outside your bedroom door, and you peeked your head out to respond.

“Nah, it’s fine, Haz, go have fun. I have enough uni work to keep me busy.”

“It’s a Friday night, nerd.”

You stuck your tongue out at him and smiled. “Sorry I’m not a budding alcoholic like you, big bro.”

He laughed, blew you a kiss, and he and Tom were off.

Only about an hour later, you decided to take a break from studying and light up a joint, turning on your go-to movie for background noise- but were snapped out of your vibey trance when you heard the front door swing open, and your brother’s loud, drunk voice.

“W-why are we h-home, you div,” he slurred, as his heavy footsteps start to climb the stairs. After a long moment, you heard him collapse on his bed through your thin walls, still stammering out his words. “Thomas, I promise you, I am fineeee...”

“Mate, you’re sloshed. Go to bed.”

You decided to leave them be. This was a typical occurrence- one of the boys went too hard too early, and the other had to babysit until they made it home to pass out cold, usually on the bed, or the couch, or on a good day, the floor.

A few minutes passed while you hotboxed your room, feeling amazingly relaxed, until you saw your doorknob wriggling out of the corner of your eye. Your door was locked, so you ignored it. But the knob kept twisting and falling back in place, making the whole frame shake. After a long while of witnessing a ghost try to make its way into your room, you watched your lock turn slowly and click out of place, the door creaking opened to reveal Tom, swatting at the air when a cloud of smoke greeted him.

You snapped your laptop closed before he could hear his own voice flowing out of your speakers. “Tom, for the last time, stop picking my fucking lock!” You beamed your nearest pillow at him—which he caught before it struck him—and he threw it back, hitting you square in the face. Of course.

He flashed a cocky smile. “Why? It’s so easy.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m serious! I could’ve been naked or something!”

He just stood in the doorframe, giving you a once-over in your thin cotton t-shirt and yoga pants, and kept that smug expression locked on his face. 

“Ew, Tom, you’re disgusting. Get out.”

He decidedly did not get out, instead closing the door behind him and hopping up next to you on your bed, the divot in your mattress leaving your bodies pressed much too close together. You were met with a strong whiff of his cologne and the gin he must’ve been drinking earlier. “I’ll take that,” he muttered as he lifted your joint out of your fingers and took a puff, sucking his breath in as his lungs filled. 

Your stomach filled with a dull fire and you narrowed your eyes. “Do you mind?”

He turned to face you and blew a big puff of smoke directly into your face, the notorious smirk making its reappearance. “Not at all, thanks for asking though.”

You groaned aloud. “What are you doing in here?” he took another draw and handed you back what was rightfully yours, smoke dissipating from his mouth as he spoke.

“Haz is pissed and I’m bored.”

You relit the bud and inhaled for a long while, figuring you’d need to be pretty intoxicated to not smack him in the face if he tried to talk again. “Well, go be bored somewhere else. I was busy.”

He cocked an eyebrow at you and reached across your lap for your computer. “Doing what?” 

Oh shit. “Dude, can you not-?!” you yelped, but he had swiped it too quickly out of your grasp, and opened it up to find himself paused on your screen. You laid back on your bed so he couldn’t see your cheeks now flushed with embarrassment and grabbed your lighter from your nightstand. It was going to be a long evening.

He leaned himself over to catch your eye and had the stupidest, most prideful look plastered across his face. “Gotcha.”

You punched him in the arm as he erupted into laughter—but the anger inside you had been dulled by the weed and replaced with a childlike silliness—and you started to giggle, too. You looked up into his eyes, pupils now wildly dilated and tinted red around the edges.

“Shut up, Tom, you’re high,” you said in between chuckles.

“Yeah? Well so are you!”

You poked fun at each other for a while, suddenly in a mutually fantastic mood. You knew in the back of your mind that none of this would be happening if you hadn’t gotten stoned together, but you enjoyed the warm company anyway. 

“Well, you gotta finish it, don’t you?” he said, settling back down and fixating the computer on his lap so you could both see it.

“You really want to watch your own movie?”

“Doll, it’s my favorite thing to do.” he smiled at you.

“God, you’re the worst.” you felt some butterflies make an entrance in your chest that had never been there before.

He pressed play and cozied up on your bed, lying back against the wall with his arm lazily draped behind you. You pulled a blanket up onto your lap and had really no choice but to lean on him for support, neither of you admitting out loud that you were full on cuddling and not angry about it.

“Hey, aren’t you gonna share?” he whined, pulling at the corner of your blanket.

“Get your own,” you responded, internally high-fiving yourself for finally getting the chance to sass him back. Sure, you had your head comfortably resting on his shoulder, but that didn’t mean you were suddenly friends.

You let the movie play, the two of you blowing through the joint until it was a dwindling nub. The scene where Peter has his big kiss with MJ started, and you stifled a snigger as their lips met on the screen.

Tom had clear offense laced through his words. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” you shrugged.

He sat up to look at you, eyebrows knit together in an angry pout. “Tell me.”

“I just...feel bad for Zendaya, that’s all.” you covered your mouth to keep from laughing, and his eyes rolled so far back into his head you were sure they’d be stuck that way forever.

“You’re such a brat,” he started, his ego finding its old place back in his voice. “I’m an amazing kisser. She told me herself.”

You looked away from him, taking a heavy exhale. “Yeah, whatever, dude.”

He sat even more upright and paused the movie, taking hold of your shoulder to make you turn to him. “What, you don’t believe me?”

You realized then how physically close you had gotten, as you could feel the syllables of his words in his breath hitting your face. He was doing that thing boys do, when they’re thinking about kissing you but don’t- their stares going back and forth between your lips and your eyes in a not so subtle way. It freaked you out to see him that close and personal, and you whispered back exactly what you knew would irk him the most.

“Nope.”

He moved his face impossibly closer to yours, and you felt his soft lips lightly brush over your own. You weren’t sure if this was real, or just a high hallucination, but you didn’t move away. This was entirely uncharted territory.

“Tooommmm!” you heard Harrison yell out from the other side of the wall. “Where are yooouuu?! I’m so thirsty!” Tom immediately jerked his head away from you and shook himself out of the moment. You brought your hand up to your cheek and shuddered at how hot it had become- your own body was betraying you.

“God, he’s gonna be the death of me,” Tom said, shoving himself off the bed and walking out of your room, glancing back at you for a moment and then closing the door behind him. Just like that, he was gone, and you were left trapped in your own psyche wondering what the hell had just happened.

Over the course of the next week, things has become exponentially weirder between you and Tom. He seemed to be spending much more time at your house than he normally did, even sleeping a few nights there instead of driving the five minutes back to be in his own bed. One unsuspecting morning, you knocked on your bathroom door, annoyed that it had been shut for such a long time. 

“Haz, if you use up all the hot water again, I’m gonna kill you,” you said in between knocks. You were taken by surprise when it swung open, steam billowing out into the cool air.

“Whoops,” you heard a voice say, immediately realizing it wasn’t your brother. You took a step backward to see Tom emerge, wearing nothing but a towel loosely wrapped around his waist. His hair was damp and clinging to his forehead, and he looked like some glowing magazine model. 

“Uh, sorry,” you stammered, accidentally inhaling the yummy smell of his soap and shampoo emanating off of his skin.

He noticed you eyeing him and a sly grin appeared as he rolled his bottom lip under his teeth. “Shower’s all yours, babe,” he said, bumping your shoulder with his own as he walked away. You were stuck in place and didn’t see him glancing back at you as he wandered down the hallway. 

Another day after that, Tom and Harrison were looking for a certain record to play, but it was nowhere to be found. “It might be in y/n’s room,” Harrison said, sitting back in his lounge chair. “Wanna go grab it?”

Tom coughed. “Why do I have to get it?”

“Because I’m comfortable.”

Tom felt a mix of annoyance and nerves in his chest as he walked the short distance down the hallway to your room where the door was already cracked open. He invited himself in—excitement faltering a little when he saw you weren’t in your usual spot on your bed—and started to sift through your bookshelves.

You had been in the bathroom getting dressed after your shower, but realized you left your shirt in your closet- and seeing that Harrison’s bedroom door was still shut, you figured it was safe to run across the landing into your room without anyone seeing you. In just a bra and spandex shorts that left little to the imagination, you swiftly made your way across the hall and walked through your door that was still open a crack to see Tom kneeled down as he shuffled through your record collection.

He heard your small gasp when you entered to find him, and swiveled around to you standing only a few feet away from him in the least amount of clothing he’d ever seen on you. He abruptly stood up but didn’t move, eyes sparkling as they rolled down your body.

“What the fuck! Why are you always in my room?!” You were too shocked to think about finding something to cover yourself with, and put your hands over your face, trying not to die of embarrassment. Tom remained glued to his place on your carpet, clearly at a loss for words.

“Tom, can you leave please-”

“Right, yeah, okay, uh, bye-” he hurried out of your room, swinging the door almost shut but leaving just a crack so he could speak into it.

“...I like your shorts.”

“TOM!”

He chuckled and closed the door, and you slumped against the wall, still holding your head in your hands. What was this sudden hold he had over you? And why did you love the way that he was staring at you?

That night, you had a big paper to complete, and you were perched in your bed typing away as it got dark. In between two songs on your playlist, you heard the familiar jiggle of a doorknob. Looking up over your screen, you watched as the metal turned in its socket, and heard a soft “crushed it” as the lock undid itself. Your door opened steadily and slowly, a familiar face peeking in at you.

“Hi.”

“Oh sweet jesus,” you mumbled.

“You busy?”

“Clearly.”

“Cool.” Tom let himself into your room, shutting the door behind him and sauntering over to your bed, sitting down next to you, bouncing like a little kid and singing his words. “Whatcha doooin’?”

“Homework,” you said, continuing to type and trying your best to ignore the way the sound of his voice was waking up something electric inside of you. He leaned into your body to peer at your computer screen, pretending to be interested in whatever you were writing about. His elbow got in the way of your hands, and you had to stop typing.

“Thomas, is there something I can help you with?”

“Haz is asleep,” he said, resting his head on your shoulder like it hadn’t been a week since your almost-kiss and you hadn’t been actively avoiding bringing it up.

You felt jittery. “And?”

He gently pushed your hands away from the keyboard and closed your laptop shut, giving you a sheepish smile. “Wanna get high?”

Honestly, you did.

You turned on your lamp and turned off the overhead light, put on that record he finally found, lighting a candle and then another hand-rolled blunt. This time, Tom sat upright with you perpendicular to him, your legs swung over his lap. When he made a joke, he’d give your leg a little squeeze- and whether it was purposeful or not, you were filled with schoolgirl nerves every time it happened.

All the angsty barriers built up over years of a sibling-like rivalry had come down between the two of you as you smoked together; you suddenly found all of his bad jokes funny, and he couldn’t peel his eyes away from the cute way you scrunched your nose when you laughed. Every time you exchanged the blunt, you couldn’t help but think about how his lips had just been on it a moment before yours. The night came and went, and you ended up falling asleep wrapped in his arms as he dozed off with his chin pressed to your forehead.

You both woke up at the same time in the dead of night, unsure of how late it had gotten. Still nestled into each other, you exchanged sleepy glances and no words, taking a moment to realize the position you had put yourselves in. 

Tom grazed your jawline with the back of his hand and lifted up your chin with his thumb. You let your eyes flutter shut and he kissed you in the dark for one long, everlasting moment. He pulled back from you hesitantly, leaving you breathless. Did that really just happen?

“We...we can’t,” he whispered, his words tinged with sadness.

Your heart broke for him just hearing his voice. “Why not?”

“You’re my best friend’s little sister, y/n.”

“And you’re my brother’s best friend. So what?” you were almost upset with yourself for being so vulnerable; so visibly pining after him.

“So, you’re off limits,” he said, resting his forehead against yours. 

“Says who?” 

That prompted Tom to meet your gaze again, and this time you took initiative, moving your face to his and taking his bottom lip in between yours. He took a sharp inhale as you kissed him and seemed to let all inhibition go as he put his arms around your back and pressed you into him hard, all of his pent up feelings for you suddenly flowing out of him. He kissed you in a needy, desperate kind of way, and you loved every second of it. You ran your fingers through his hair, traced his jawline, using your hands to feel every bit of him that you couldn’t before. The strangest part of it all was how natural it felt- like you had been practicing for this very moment all your lives. 

Your record had stopped spinning a while ago, the room now filled with just the breathy noises of your kisses, your contented hums and his tiny mews when you bit his lips. You were both still barely lucid, and after countless minutes of nothing but innocent kisses, you were on the brink of falling asleep again, serotonin whisking you away into dreams. Tom sighed into you, and clasped his hand around yours.

“I have to go.”

“What? Why?” you felt your heart preeminently sink in your chest; like you should’ve known this was too good to last.

“I don’t want him to wake up and find us here,” he trailed off, staring down at your intertwined fingers fiddling together.

“So that’s it?” you tried to swallow back the sudden upwell of feelings inside you.

“No, no...” his eyes filled with some type of emotional strain you’d never seen. “I- I don’t want this to be it. But I don’t want things to get...messy.”

Unfortunately, you couldn’t blame him, because you understood.

“Can you come back tomorrow night?” you whispered, very not ready to let his spot next to you grow cold.

“I don’t know...”

You looked up at him doe-eyed, cooing. “Please?”

He nodded, looking away from you before he completely caved and stayed there forever. “I’ll come back.”

He pressed one last kiss onto your lips and slowly got up, reluctantly letting go of your hand as he left your room. “Goodnight, babe.”

Hearing him call you babe, finally free of demeaning sarcasm, made your heart soar. 

“Goodnight, Tom.”

The door shut and you were left alone, the stillness of your room sticking out in sharp contrast with how quickly your heart was racing.

For the next few nights, Tom spent the evenings at your house with Harrison, waiting until he fell asleep to make his way next door to you. You’d smoke together, watch his movies—and in heated moments got a little handsy—but you never went past kissing, though you both desperately wanted to. It was too risky having your brother right next door; and you knew all too well how paper thin your walls were. But in those secretive hours after solar midnight, just being able to exist next to Tom and letting him hold you, you were the happiest you could ever remember being. The second night he left your room to let you sleep, he placed a light kiss on your forehead after he stood up that made the whole thing feel a little too...real.

The next day, you walked into the kitchen and found Harrison at the fridge. You were in a great mood for obvious reasons but couldn’t let it show. “Hey, got any fun plans today?”

He turned around after shoving a handful of grapes in his mouth. “Nope, got some admin stuff to do and gonna turn in early.”

“Oh, Tom isn’t coming over?”

“No, I told him to take a night off. He’s been smothering me, y’know?” he laughed and ate a few more grapes, but then turned to you, confused. “Since when do you care if he’s coming over?”

You swallowed, unsure of what to say. “Just want to know if I need to stay out of the way,” you faked a laugh and blinked hard, hoping he wasn’t paying too much attention to your facial expressions.

“Uh, alright then. You two are always so fuckin’ weird around each other.” He seemed to feel that was a good way to end your exchange and walked out of the kitchen, throwing a grape at you.

You rolled your eyes at your brother, but then felt the sadness bubble up upon registering that you weren’t going to see Tom tonight. But really, how long did you think you could keep this up? The feelings you were developing for him scared you, you didn’t know what to make of them; all you knew was that your days suddenly seemed much grayer without him.

Nighttime came around, and you couldn’t sleep, so you did the unthinkable and sent Tom a text. Your thumb shook as you hit send, knowing that there was now tangible evidence of the connection you’d developed, that it wasn’t just some invention of your mind.

hey, are you awake?

T: yeah, can’t sleep. you?

obviously, i just texted you.

T: shut it.

A minute passed...

T: got room for one more over there?

You smiled like an idiot at your phone.

maybe.

Less than 10 minutes later, you heard the familiar wriggle of your doorknob. You don’t know why you even bothered locking it anymore.

“Hey you,” he whispered, carefully shutting the door behind him.

“Tom, you know you could’ve just knocked and I would’ve let you in- you don’t have to keep picking the lock.”

“Old habits die hard.”

You chuckled and stood up to greet him at your door as he unexpectedly wrapped you in an amazingly tight hug. He rested his chin on top of your head and started to sway your bodies back and forth. You laid your head on his chest and said hello to his heartbeat.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was almost hard to fall asleep without you,” he murmured, placing another one of those domestic kisses on your scalp.

“Well, now you don’t have to.” you smiled. He waddled you backwards to your bed and you sat down as your legs hit the bedframe, prompting Tom to fall onto you as you giggled into his body that was now covering your face.

“Okay, goodniiight,” he said, refusing to move. You poked at his sides making him jump, and he grabbed your waist and rolled you on top of him. You instinctively leaned down so your lips could clash together in the way you were so used to, trying hard to not confess that you’d completely fallen in love with him when you finally had the breath to speak. He pushed your hair to cascade to one side of his face, and nuzzled your nose with his own, closing his eyes and humming with a smile. “Mmm.”

“Hmm?”

“Just happy.”

You rested your sleepy head on his warm chest, and fell into a deep sleep, letting the steady drumming in his chest be a metronome to breathe to.

~

“Oh, shit. Shit shit shit.”

You woke up abruptly, the bright light of day blinding you as you tried to open your eyes to the string of expletives you’d just heard come from a familiar voice. Once you’d opened them, though, you wish you had kept them shut so you hadn’t seen who had spoken.

“Harrison?!”

He was standing in your room, peering at you with hands half covering his eyes when you realized that there was a sleeping Tom underneath you.

Your brother paced in a circle and exhaled loudly. “Tell me I’m not seeing what I’m seeing.”

You nudged Tom awake with your elbow and immediately rolled off of him, trying to hide the very obvious fact that you had slept together all night. You never let him stay the full night for this exact reason, but he had been so ridiculously happy holding you in his arms that he forgot to set an alarm to wake him at the crack of dawn and leave. You sat up straight in your bed, twisting your hair in your hands, bracing yourself for the inevitable tirade.

Tom picked his head up to see Harrison standing there with his arms crossed, and flopped his head back on the pillow. “Fuck. Hey, mate.” He tried to play it off like this was the most normal thing that could happen on a Thursday morning.

“Is this why you’re always such bumbling fools around one another? You’ve been, what, fucking each other when I’m not around?” Harrison looked like he wanted to throw up at the thought.

“Haz, no, it’s not like that,” you said, but he didn’t seem convinced. “It’s just been smoking together and cuddling, really, that’s it,” you were torn between wanting to console your brother and admitting to both him and Tom that this was more to you than that. But Tom already knew that, because it was for him, too.

Tom looked like a deer in headlights. “I’m so sorry, dude-”

Harrison walked out of the room, and the two of you were left sitting in your bed, worry filling your eyes. Only a moment later, your brother reappeared in the doorway.

“Look, you idiots, I don’t care that you’re snuggling off the clock—you’re my two favorite people in the world, and to see you together, honestly, it’s about damn time,” he started, making both your and Tom’s jaws fall slightly agape. You exchanged a knowing look. Wait, is he not mad? Wait, about damn time??

“But I wish you would’ve told me so we could all hang out together. I don’t appreciate the sneaking around.” 

You cocked your head at him, sending him a loving gaze for always just wanting what’s best for you. 

“I’m just mad you aren’t including me in your hotbox sessions, really.” He laughed and ran his hands through his hair, pulling his face back to make a wild expression.

All three of you started to chuckle out of sheer awkwardness and relief.

“Come here.” Harrison held his hands out and you both gave a mutual aww as you ran into your brother’s arms, squeezing him tight.

“I love you, big bro.”

“I know. Now I’m gonna get out of here before you start kissing in front of me, or worse,” he moaned, swiftly exiting your room. “This is gonna be the grossest thing I’ve ever seen...” you heard him say to himself as he left.

You turned to Tom, still shocked at how well that had gone considering what he was assuming would happen. You swallowed the butterflies that you’d welcomed as friends and stepped back to him still sitting on the bed, putting your arms around his neck.

“And you,” you started, swinging your legs over his lap to straddle him. “I have to confess something.”

Tom placed his hands back on your hips where they rightfully belonged and smiled at you. “I’m listening.”

“I don’t mind you calling me babe anymore.” you grinned at his face drop, obviously assuming that you were going to say something else.

“Oh, and why’s that?” he prodded.

You looked up and off to the side as you squeezed his shoulders. “Maybe because I’m just a tad bit in love with you,” you trailed off, stiff as a board at what he could possibly say next.

“Well, babe,” he put emphasis on the pet name, “That’s a relief, because I was worried I might be the only one falling here.”

You grabbed his face and kissed him, kneading his soft cheeks under your thumbs, whispering exactly what you knew would get him the most.

“Nope.”

[justlookfrightened]

24.   “Did you just hiss at me?” ZIMBITS!!!

From this prompt list: 24. “Did you just hiss at me?”

Jack bent over at the waist and sucked wind.

Running was not supposed to be this hard.

Especially not when he was a professional athlete, and he was just going for an off-season recreational run with his non-professional athlete fiance.

Really, were cookbook authors/baking-moguls-in-the-making supposed to be so fast?

But about a mile into their -- up until then easy and pleasant -- run, Bitty had looked around, seen a relatively empty path ahead, and said, “Race you to the coffee shop!”

Then Bitty took off, Jack eating his dust.

Jack sprinted to catch up and overtook Bitty, but he only maintained his lead for a half-mile or so. By the time they got to coffee shop, about a mile and a half from where Bitty started the race, he was struggling to keep up with Bitty’s long, loping strides.

It didn’t help that most of Jack’s conditioning was aimed at explosive strength, balance and joint stability. Sure, a three-mile run was no big deal for him, but he wasn’t used to doing it top speed. And Bitty, if anything, had gotten faster on his feet since his season ended.

His new fitness regimen included running at least a few times a week, while weights were down to once or twice a week.

“If I’m going to be taste-testing all these recipes, I have to do something!” Bitty said. “And this gets me out of the house at least.”

Somehow, Jack had envisioned Bitty jogging along at an easy pace, not turning into a speed demon who would be threatening for medals at neighborhood 5Ks.

Bitty had run straight on the coffee shop door, while Jack ducked into the alley behind it to try to recover before going inside. He didn’t want anyone to think he was dying after a Sunday morning run.

He straightened up as Bitty ambled back to check on him.

“I thought we were racing to the door,” Bitty said, his breath almost back to normal and an attractive pink flush on his cheeks. “Not the dumpster.”

Jack contemplated cursing at his fiance, but settled for a glare.

“What?” Bitty said. “Did you just hiss at me?”

“Huh?” Jack said, because something was hissing. “Not me.”

Bitty was already stepping past him to the dumpster and bending down. Jack joined him.

There, half hidden behind the wheel of the trash container was a scrawny cat. It wasn’t a kitten -- at least not a baby -- but it might not be full grown. It was hard to see much but the luminous green eyes and the wide open mouth which was hissing again.

“Get back,” Bitty said, following his own advice and scooting away as a paw, claws extended, swiped out at them. “Poor thing feels threatened.”

“Should we get it some milk or something?” Jack asked.

“I don’t know,” Bitty said. “I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to give milk to adult cats. It’s probably hungry though.”

“Maybe tuna?” Jack said.

“Or, y’know, cat food,” Bitty said. “I can run to the market on the corner. You want to go in and get coffee?”

“For the cat?”

“For us,” Bitty said. “But maybe they can give us some water in something like a dish? Like a to-go container or something?”

“Okay,” Jack said. “But what then?”

“What do you mean?”

“We can’t just leave her here.”

“Her?” Bitty asked. “How do you know?”

“Her or him,” Jack amended.

“What if it wants to stay here?” Bitty asked. “Back in Georgia, the families who lived out of town all had barn cats.”

“This isn’t a barn,” Jack said.

“No, but it’s shown no signs of wanting anything to do with us,” Bitty said. “We can feed it and get it water and then see what it looks like it wants to do, okay? We’re not going to force it to come home with us if it wants to be here.”

With that, Bitty trotted off down the street towards the corner store.

“Wait here,” Jack said softly to the cat. “I’ll be right back. We’ll help you.”

When he got to the counter, he ordered his black coffee and Bitty’s sugar and cream concoction, then explained about the cat in the alley.

“Can I have a bottle of water, too, and maybe something to pour it in?”

The barista handed over a shallow styrofoam dish with the water. Jack found himself tapping his food while he waited for her to make Bitty’s coffee. He hoped the cat didn’t disappear.

It was still under the dumpster when he returned, lying in the shadows, grooming its fur with its tongue.

Jack poured some water in the dish and pushed it just under the edge of the trash container before settling back on his heels a few feet away.

The cat’s ears pricked up, and it stared at Jack for a moment before creeping forward to sniff at the dish. Then its pink tongue darted out to taste the water.

Once it decided the water was safe, it started lapping, one eye fixed on Jack.

Bitty approached so quietly that Jack didn’t even notice him

The cat did, rocking back on its haunches, ready to flee.

Bitty stayed on the far side of Jack while he knelt down and opened the can of food. It looked disgusting to Jack, but when Bitty placed it next to the water, the cat came back almost immediately and started eating.

When the can was close to empty, Bitty opened a second can and set it on the ground halfway between the dumpster and Jack. The cat -- black, with white paws -- crawled out cautiously and ate a bit more.

“Hungry little thing,” Bitty said.

The cat looked up when he spoke, then went back to eating.

“What do you think, kitty?” Jack said. “Want to stay here or come home with us?”

He held a hand out and waited for the cat to come closer. When it approached, he sat stock still while it sniffed his hand, not daring to try to pet the cat until it rubbed its own head under his hand.

“I think it likes me,” Jack said.

“How could it not?” Bitty said, fingers dancing over his phone screen.

“What are you doing?” Jack said.

“There’s a vet that’s open today a few blocks away,” Bitty said. “They can check to see if there’s a microchip, and tell us about how old it is and all that.And we’re gonna need a litter box and litter, at least. Food and water dishes. Maybe if she doesn’t have a home already she’d like a cat tree. A scratching post. Toys.”

“We can’t wait for that to be delivered,” Jack objected. 

“What do you take me for?” Bitty said. “They’ll get it ready for us at the pet store and we can pick it up on the way home from the vet. Oh, a cat carrier too.”

“Bitty?” Jack said. “What if this cat does have a home?”

“Then we reunite it with its person,” Bitty said. “And we go to the shelter. Can’t let all this cat stuff go to waste, can we?”

[shyinadarkplace]

Bucky are you still there?

Summary: When their Soul bond is broken, the reader unable to bear the pain tries to end it all. The only question is will Bucky make in time to save her?  (Please be kind this is my very first time publishing a work)

Pairing: Bucky x reader. *I do not own Bucky Barnes or Sebastian Stan or any of his works*

Word count: 5k (I am sorry I might have gotten carried away)

Back ground info: This is an AU where there are Soulmates. If the connection between soul mates is somehow broken the mates have usually at max four years before everything gets unbearable. Also Tony is alive.

Prompt: Mountains/Forest and the song “Jealous” by Labyrinth. I also included another song “Dark side of me” by Coheed and Cambria. There is also an original poem by me in there.  *I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION TO USE ANY OF MY WORK AS A WHOLE OR IN PART, IN ANYWAY, ON ANY PLATFORM. *

Warnings: Proceed with caution. TRIGGER WARNING: There is mention of blood, extreme depression, suicidal thought and tendencies. That’s all I can think of, but please if you need help with any of the above mentioned things https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  1-800-273-8255.  Please please reach out.

Title: Bucky are you still there?

Outside a winter storm raged deep in the Taiga, and while you were warm physically inside you felt just like that storm. You felt like the swirling mass of ice and snow, like the -54° C that currently raged outside your home. The added fire that sat blazing in front of you did little to assuage the pain that wracked through your chest. The ring on your hand glinted in the firelight. A familiar wave of heartbreak began crashing through you, even after all this time. When the much too familiar tears fell, another layer of ice layered around your heart. You stared into the fire and let your mind wander where it would, allowing your grief take its course.

Memory of your first meeting:

There was a pull in deepest part of your being. A tingling in the back of your mind. He was close. You could feel him brush across your consciousness like a gentle rain, and you returned the gesture. The room seemed to full of people why did Stark tower feel so crowded today? All you could do was stand frozen where you were running up a metaphorical flag screaming here I am. Your eyes quested searching desperately for someone doing the same, for the one who turned your spark into a firestorm. Suddenly there he was. Your eyes met and suddenly it was like you were falling, but gently, into warm blue eyes, into dark strands of hair and stubbly jawline. In man and muscle. Falling into him. Your feet were moving before you even realized it. Standing face to face with him, you felt like your heart was going to beat out of your chest “Hello, I’m (y/n). I have been waiting for you.) Your voice barely above a whisper almost afraid that if you spoke to loud it would somehow be just a dream. “Hello doll, my name is James Buchanan Barnes. I am so glad you waited.” Thus began your world wind love affair with the Winter Soldier, Bucky, White Wolf. And it was perfect. You two were perfect for each other been through so many of the same things. It was like you had discovered the theory of everything right then and there.

“6 years ago. Can you believe it Benji. Just six years ago Earth was upside down as a planet, but personally I was in heaven. I had met my soul mate.” The big wolf hound/wolf mix just laid his big black head on your lap, offering the silent comfort he always did. “We were married for three years. It was like magic.” A fresh batch of tears ran down your face. It had been 3 excruciating years. 3 years of feeling utterly alone. You had heard what it was like when someone lost their soulmate, it was like they were a zombie. They lost some of their humanity. It was like when a clinically depressed person masked, they looked and sounded fine for the most part but something was just off. Most of the time when one lost their soul mate they died too, unable to carry on without them or unwilling too. So many times you had been tempted to walk out in weather like this and let the Taiga take you. So many times you sat staring into the flames and thought about ending it all. After all there were thousands of ways to die. It had been 6 years since what the world came to call the Endgame. Since something had snapped inside Bucky during that battle and he had vanished. The end of the third long and bitter year was coming up, a person can only take so much.

Memory: You were probably 100 yards away from him when it happened. You could feel something wrong with Bucky, you had to get to him and help him. You got distracted next thing you knew a long thick metal rod had you staked to the ground. You couldn’t move it was embedded too far in the ground behind you. So you fought on like that, on the ground taking blasters and weapons from anything you fought with as the Super serum running through your veins kept you alive, easing the bleeding. You kept fighting hoping somehow you would be able to get up to get to Bucky. Hot tears streamed down your face and a scream ripped savagely from your throat as suddenly the constant connection that you had with Bucky was gone. It was like it had never existed. All you could feel was an iron wall. Utterly impenetrable. You couldn’t tell if it was just the limit of your consciousness or if it was him somehow cutting you off. Or if the worst had happened. Then the world went black.

When Steve found you, you had passed out from blood loss. You were in a coma for a week due to the severity of the wound but you remembered your dreams and they were sweet.

In your dreams it was just after you and Bucky had gotten married. A week to the day actually. You had curled up beside him and asked you could read him something you wrote. He didn’t need to say anything. All of his attention focused on you. A blush crept up your neck as you read what you had written.

“You always looked like trouble but the very best kind.

Even before I knew what you looked like.

You looked like everything I wanted at 16.18.20.26.

You looked like whiskey and smoke before I even knew the taste.

You looked like a hot rod idling at a stop light.

You looked like my addiction before it developed. Like my favorite kind of pain.

I don’t know how but I always just knew, that your eyes where blue. Blue. Such a cool tone. The kind that reminds you glaciers or ice cubes against passion heated skin. Like Blue flames, that seemed to sear clothes off with a glance, and pool fire in my belly. And when you smiled I really knew you were trouble then. But the best kind. The kind I couldn’t live without. The kind that kept me breathing. When you smiled at me the first time, I was yours.

The first time with you…oh god it was like nothing before. I had spent so many hours over the years before I met you, day dreaming about my fingers in your hair, your hands blazing trails of fire against my skin. Your lips crushed against mine…

By the time you placed your hand against my cheek and started kissing me, it was like you had kissed me a thousand times before. By the time your hands caressed my skin in expectant reverence (a shock to my system) it was as though your hands had always known my skin.

When I touched your skin, I was in awe at the newness of the sensation and yet it was so familiar. As I felt like your hands had always known my skin, I felt I had always known yours.

That first time didn’t feel like the first time. It felt like we had been together since the beginning of time. I didn’t need to question anything, because we knew each other so intimately words were not needed.

No need for words because I knew where to kiss you, as if some instinct worked within me. Knew where to touch. Knew how to kiss you wherever my lips landed. Knew when to bite and when to soothe. I knew it because you had always been mine. I was made for you.

No need for words because you knew, knew when to be gentle, when to be firm, knew everything you needed to get me high. With you it was natural as breathing. You brought me back to life the way a smith does a cold forge. With you it was the first time but it felt as though we had been there a thousand, thousand times before.

When I first saw you it all became real, I had already spent years falling in love with the idea of being with you. In the ease and comfort and debauchery of your presence. Suddenly every dream I had ever had about my soul mate blazed into existence.

You looked like my addiction when it formed, like my favorite kind of pain. You looked like someone I had loved a thousand, thousand times. “

You two had been so tangled up in each other it was hard to tell where he ended and you began, the line between him and you blurred. You were in complete bliss. At least while you were sleeping.

Steve was there when you woke up. As soon as you saw him and not Bucky your heart began to fracture. It looked like he had been crying, like he had not been to slept. Everything inside you went cold. Your mind reached out for Bucky, for the comfort of your soulmate and touched…nothing it was like he was dead. But he couldn’t be right? Even though you felt like you were dead, with the only sign that you were alive being the beeping of the monitors in the room, he couldn’t be, right? But that is what it felt like because there was just…nothing like the connection had never been. You tried again and again to push past whatever was stopping you but it was no use because there was nothing for you to grab on to. “(y/n) you have to stop pushing against that wall. It won’t help.” Steve’s voice broke and he took your hands. “It won’t help, he’s gone and…and we don’t know where he is or if he is gonna come back. So you…you have to stop pushing and focus on you right now.” He wiped the tears from your face and gave his best smile, though it did little to ease the pain “You have to be stronger than ever. I know that I am asking a lot. But you’re his best girl and you gotta be ready to kick his ass when he comes back.” All you could muster was a small twitch at the side of your mouth. “If …I was his best girl…why’d he leave me Stevie?” you whispered so softly he could barely hear but damn if it didn’t break his heart.

Then it was dark again. This time there were no comforting dreams. Steve sat there by your bed and let his chest heave as he cried quitely. He cried for a lot of reasons. After a while he stood up, and left the room for the first time in days. He knew he would have to be there for you if you were gonna make it so it was time to get cleaned up and eat something, maybe try to catch some sleep. There was a long road ahead.

It was a whole day later when you woke up again. Steve was sitting in the window of your hospital room. “Hey Stevie… see anything good out there?” He jumped at the sound of your voice and grinned at you. “Hey there sweetheart, how are you feeling?” he said softly coming to sit next you once again. He took your hand and when he squeezed gently, you squeezed back. You closed your eyes and took a few deep breaths. “Honestly? I feel like my insides have been scrubbed with sandpaper. I feel raw and bloody…I feel the most incredible pain and yet completely numb. But…” You paused trying to steady the sick feeling in your gut. You looked directly in Steve’s soft blue eyes and they offered a little comfort in their familiarity. “But…” you continued “I know I need to get out of this hospital bed. I need to regain my strength and take care of myself, because I know he is out there. I have to find him Stevie. Now I need you to tell me everything.” Steve nodded a slight grin coming to his face “I knew there was a reason you were meant for that punk. I will tell you everything but how about you shower, get changed and we get you some food first huh?” You sighed, it bothered you to put off the inevitable but you knew you probably smelled like a trash truck and you were hungry. So you did what Steve asked and you two had lunch together. For a couple hours you both pretended like all was right in the world.

When Steve finally started talking it sounded more like a debriefing and less like his best friend was missing, honestly though it was almost easier that way. Thinking of it like another mission rather than losing your soulmate. “Well, to be honest I can’t tell you a whole lot. All I know is that Buck and I were maybe 10 feet apart. Everything was fine. Everything was fine until it wasn’t. I can’t say what happened, one second I looked over and he was fine. He was Bucky. The next he was Winter Soldat. Then Tony snapped and the fighting stopped, but I lost sight of him. I guess once there was no enemy he just took off. We do know that he stole a Wakandan air ship, but he must have damaged enough of the important components to make it untraceable. We don’t know where he is. I can guarantee though that he learned from last time, we won’t be able to find him if he doesn’t want to be found.”

You took a deep breath eyes closed. The urge to just give up right then and there was almost overwhelming. You knew there were ways to kill a super soldier. Hell you had come pretty close to it in the past. “Sweetheart, don’t go there. We both know it won’t it won’t work.” Steve’s voice yanked you sharply from the dark thoughts that crept into your mind. You sighed “Yeah, I guess you are right Stevie.” There was nothing either of you could do, except move on. Survive.

After that you and Steve were as close as could be. When you couldn’t sleep you it always seemed like Steve was up to. If you needed comfort he was there. You did everything together. Both of you knew it wasn’t really healthy but at the same time it helped with the healing. You went to therapy and got mental help. You stayed combat ready. You continued blowing minds working with Tony and Shuri on tech. You picked up new hobbies like gardening, and painting and drawing. You did everything you could to keep yourself somewhat distracted from the hollowness that ate at you.

You never cried in front of anyone but Steve, but everyone knew. Even if they couldn’t hear the crying they could hear the music that came from your room. No matter the tune no one knocked when the soft static of your record player was on. You were living in the past, trying to cope the best way you could dancing alone to songs that you and Bucky loved. Listening to your past and his with every pop of the speaker. Sometimes Steve would stand outside your room with his head pressed against the door and just listen. He’d sway along with the music because it brought back memories for him too. Eventually he would feel guilty because he wanted nothing more than to go in and take you in his arms. Kiss you. Comfort you. Part of him believed that Bucky really was gone. Part of him didn’t think he even had a soul mate and he was so fucking lonely. But he never did. If anyone ever noticed, they never said anything.

A year had passed since Bucky left.  A year you spent in therapy, spent pretending every god damn day that you didn’t want to just die so the pain would stop, clinging to Steve like a fucking life raft and Steve clung back. You both knew it wasn’t healthy but you needed each other in ways that other people couldn’t understand. Steve was the only other person who really knew Bucky. Who could understand the things that you had went through. Who was just as lonely as you. Steve was your best friend. The day after the one year Painaversary, something incredible happened. Steve finally met his Soulmate. It hit you like a slap in the face from Hulk. You had already lost your Soulmate but now you had to lose your best friend too.

Steve sat on the edge of your bed staring daggers in to the floor. He kept his eyes down when you came out of the bathroom. “Hey there (y/n/n). You wanna tell me why you have what’s the word ‘ghosted’ me for the past week.” His voice was cold and harsh. Not what you expected. Not that you had been expecting Steve to be sitting on your bed when you came out of the shower but the tone he used was the more shocking thing at the moment. “You know why Stevie.” You said moving quietly to get dressed, unable to bring your voice above a whisper. He didn’t look up until he heard a soft sob. You were standing fully clothed in Bucky’s sweats and a worn t-shirt, with your head against Bucky’s dresser. “You know why. Just because Soulmates can’t be unfaithful doesn’t mean this is okay, Stevie.” In his heart he knew you were right but it killed him, gently he picked you up, turned off the lights and tucked you into bed. Then like most every night before he climbed in behind you. His body heat a silent invitation more of a pull like a magnet, one that you couldn’t resist right now. So you snuggled into his arms your back against his chest. As he wrapped his arms around you, he whispered voice rough with emotion, “This doesn’t have to end (y/n/n). “You knew what he was trying to do. “Stevie. It’s okay. We’ve been holding on to each other so tightly because we both were drowning. You can’t make Janey hurt. It’s okay. We will still hang out, but no more late nights like this.” It hurt to say. If it was possible he pulled you closer and held you closer. His heat wrapped you up like another blanket. You sighed. He just nodded and pressed a kiss to the top of your head. He could feel your tears on his arm as he held you. Why did it feel like his heart was getting shredded? For a while there was silence. “Stevie?” “Yeah sweetheart.” “I miss him so much, this hurts so fucking bad. Why did he leave me? I wish I would have just died there. It would better than this.” You curled up in a ball, trying to make yourself as small as possible, hoping somehow it would help. Steve sat up, propped all the pillows behind him, picked you up like you were a child and tucked you safely against his chest. The sobs and half screams that tore from your throat brought tears to his eyes. All he could do was hold you, stroke your hair, kiss the top of your head and whisper “I know sweetheart. I know. I’m here. I got ya. We’ll find him I promise. We will make all of this right. I promise.” Eventually there were no more tears to cry and you relaxed. Your voice was hoarse when you whispered “I was to move to the Taiga.” “Alright sweetheart we will make it happen.”

            A month later you had everything you needed to move. Tony had help you engineer a sort of mini arc reactor that supplied your home with 100% clean energy, and all of the wood used to build your house and furniture (which admittedly was a lot) was sustainably farmed, all of the pipes that brought water to the house from the lake had all been lain with minimal disruption to the landscape.

Stevie was the one who came along and helped you actually build the little house. It had two bedrooms, a kitchen and living room. It was a cozy little place, all the modern amenities but an old time feel. Plus you had your 1945 Jeep and a snowmobile. You had everything you needed.

You and Steve held hands as you stood back admiring the house one last time.

“Looks good sweet heart. You sure you are gonna be okay out here?” His voice was light but the concern was evident by the gentle squeeze he gave your hand.

You heaved a deep sigh “Yeah. Yeah. I think I will be fine. I feel better here and now than I have since he left. I promise I will keep in contact. I mean how could I not according to Tony I have my own satellite.” You returned the squeeze of his hand to reassure him. Gently he pulled you into a great bear of a hug. You were pretty sure if you hadn’t been a super soldier he probably would have broken you, you just laughed and hugged him back. “I want you to know I love you (y/n/n) and hell I’m going to miss you. So please be safe and if you need anything call, okay?”

“I love you too Stevie, I will miss you too. I promise I will call okay. Hey you better get going you got places to be.” He held you for a moment longer, kissed the top of your head and said “Yeah you are probably right. But before I do I have one more thing for you.” He goes over to his jeep and pulls out a box with holes in it. As soon as he sets it down you open it, to be greeted by the most adorable ball cute you had ever seen in your life. You picked it up finding that it was a puppy. “Janey picked him out for you. He is probably going to be huge, but she thought he would be perfect to keep you company out here.”

“Tell her I said thank you. I think this is just what I needed.” You said cuddling the sleeping puppy to your chest. Steve nodded and smiled. You watched as he went and started his jeep and drove away. You felt as close to content as you could with your heart in ribbons.

Present

By the time you snapped back to the present the fire was low. Benji was asleep at your feet and the howling outside had stopped. You decided to grab some coffee, bundle up and go outside to watch the night sky. It was breath taking. The Northern Lights danced and swayed shifting colors as they went. The stars shone brilliantly uninhibited by light pollution. You sipped your coffee and mindlessly started to hum as you watched the night.

No one knew you could sing. All evidence destroyed from your operative days, no one knew except Bucky. Your heart swelled and your eyes closed. You lifted your face toward the sky and started to sing and you thought it was fitting when the words only came to you in Russian, while the one person you wanted to hear was god knows where. Still he was the one you sang for…or perhaps you sang for the memory of him.

“Я завидую дождю. (I envy the rain)

Он падает на вашу кожу (It falls on your skin)

Он ближе, чем мои руки.(It’s closer than my hands)

Я завидую дождю.(I envy the rain)

Я завидую ветру (I envy the wind)

Она течет сквозь твою одежду (it flows through your clothes)

Он ближе, чем твоя тень. (it’s closer than your shadow)

О, я завидую ветру(oh I envy the wind)

Я завидую ночам. (I envy the nights)

Которые я не провожу с тобой (which I can’t spend with you)

Интересно, с кем ты лежишь рядом? (I wonder who you lay next to)

О, я завидую ночам. (oh I envy the nights)

Я завидую этой любви (I envy this love)

Любовь, которая была здесь. (this love that was here)

Осталось поделиться с кем - то еще (left to share with someone else)

О, я завидую этой любви (oh I envy this love)

Потому что я пожелал тебе всего самого лучшего. (Because I wished you all the best)

Все, что может дать этот мир.(all this world can give)

и все же ты меня бросил. (still you left me)

но мне нечего прощать.(but there’s nothing to forgive)

Но я всегда думал, что ты вернешься и скажешь мне, что все, что ты нашел, это ...

(but I always thought you would come back and tell me all you found was…)

Горе и страдания(grief and suffering)

Мне трудно сказать, я завидую этому пути.(its hard for me to say, I envy the way)

Ты счастлива без меня (you are happy without me)”

Your voice broke as the last note sounded. Subconsciously you reached for ghost of the connection you shared with Bucky. For a moment you almost thought you felt something brush back. Tears welled up as you fell to your knees in the snow. You couldn’t take it anymore. A scream of pure anguish ripped through your body.

After a moment you collect yourself and took the knife you always carried from its sheath. You stripped off your coat and laid it on the ground. Rolling up your sleeves you smiled softly thinking that maybe once you were gone in a way you would be with Bucky again.

There was no hesitation as you drove the knife blade into the pulse point of your wrist and slashed up, not waiting to repeat the process to the other side. You lay on your back and gaze up at the sky. In the distance you hear a motor. No it couldn’t be. Felt something brush against your mind. You smiled at the thought of your brain trying to make you fight. You knew it was going to take a bit longer to bleed out since it was so cold. You didn’t mind it would be over soon anyway.

You weren’t sure how much time passed, but your eyes started to feel heavy. Black started creeping into the edge of your vision. You let out a sigh finally.

“(Y/N/N)!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO (Y/N/N) PLEEAASSEEE!!!”

You could see a blurry figure coming toward you.  You knew that voice. It was like they were moving in slow motion and talking underwater. But that couldn’t be right.

Suddenly you heard that stupid motor again. Then something touched your skin. For a moment you felt fireworks. You opened your eyes. “Fuck (y/n/n) please hold on. I am so sorry doll. I’m so sorry, please don’t go. Please.” Bucky’s voice rang in your ears like a call to prayer. “Baby girl please.” His voice was hoarse and choked up. Barely able to speak through the lump in his throat at the sight of you.

You forced your eyes open and took in the sight of him for what would probably be the last time and whispered “Buck?” Then the world went dark as a scream that was like the torture of a thousand hells ripped and tore through the landscape.

In the aftermath a melody played 

"In those discouraging days

I always missed the mark When we were comfort and close I would neglect to keep

Oh, you safe and unexposed A portrait of time repeats This moment now replaced With an empty wish to give I give, I gave

I gave my everything For all the wrong things In this cold reality I made This selfish war machine

Oh, this has become hell How can I share this life With someone else? I promise you There is no weight that can bury us Beneath the ghosts of all my guilt

Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me

Now in your absence I wade Through the coursing, lonely, lost And in this tragic dismay I never could believe what I became

I gave my everything For all the wrong things In this cold reality I made This welcomed war machine

Oh, this has become hell How can I share this life With someone else? I promise you There is no weight that can bury us Beneath the ghosts of all my guilt

Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me

Oh, I couldn't give you What you needed It's all my fault Too coward to believe I lost it all

I gave my everything For all the wrong things In this cold reality I made This selfish war machine

Oh, this has become hell How can I share this life With someone else? I promise you There is no weight that can bury us Beneath the ghosts of all my guilt

Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me"

 "Buck are you still there? I don't want to die."

[salty-sith-bitch]

Sweet Child O’ Mine

Chapter 1

Words: 5k

Pairings: Din Djarin X Orla Fett (Boba Fett’s daughter), Boba Fett & Daughter 

Genre: Fluff, humor, angst, romance

Warnings: cursing, canon typical violence, eventual smut, more to come?

Summary:  Orla Fett is reunited with her long-lost father five years after his presumed death and welcomed into his palace. Hired as one of his best bounty hunters, Orla struggles with finding her place in the galaxy and if she wants to stay a bounty hunter. Her new companion, The king of Mandalore - Din Djarin - may end up helping her make up her mind.

“I’m just a simple woman trying to find her way in the galaxy, like my father before me ”

That’s what Orla told herself every morning when she woke. She was just a simple woman trying to survive and make her way in the galaxy, catching one bounty at a time as her father did. It was her only job - staying alive and filling her father’s spot.

When her father passed five years prior Bib Fortuna hired her as his main mercenary and provided her with more than enough jobs to support herself. Orla didn’t particularly love it but it’s what she had. Her father had made sure that if anything were to ever happen to him that she had a large and appreciated skill set, making it easier for her to find work. She was thankful for that. Thankful her father prepared her for the worst like his father before him.

There were still days she missed her father. Days where it became hard to get out of bed and put her armor on. She missed the Slave I too. Not because it was a great ship or that it was supposed to be passed to her at the fall of her father, but because of the memories she made with her father there.

Laying in her cramped quarters Orla stared at the ceiling, brushing her fingers through her hair gently as she recalled one of her earliest memories - her first hunt with her father.

The smell of rain and metal dripping from her father's armor made her slightly queasy, reminding her of blood. She could almost taste the iron in her mouth if she thought about it too much. She wasn’t used to it but her father said it would become less noticeable over time. Nodding silently she watched her father drag the bounty away and towards the carbonator. She could hear the hissing and screams of the bounty and it sent a cold shiver through her body. She tried to instead focus on detangling the soaked braid on her head.

Growling in frustration Orla dropped her hands and stomped her foot. Her body ached with exhaustion and she was uncomfortable. Letting a sniffle escape she leaned her head against the wall of the ship and cried.

"Ad'ika," her father called softly.

When she didn't respond he approached her and set a hand on her shoulder. "Orla, my princess. What is wrong?"

Orla rubbed her eyes and took in a hiccuping breath before speaking. "My hair is tangled, papa."

Smiling sweetly, her father patted her cheek. "Come, daughter. I'll fix it for you."

Orla found herself being scooped up and cradled into her father's chest. He carried her to the makeshift cot he made for her and set her down, letting his fingers gently pull apart the tangles.

"You did good today my child."

Humming Orla let her eyes drift shut as she leaned back into her father.

Sighing heavily Orla raised a shaky hand to her cheek and wiped away the tears. A full-grown woman and highly respected bounty hunter, crying in the sleeping quarters of her little hut long before the suns had even risen. She laughed at herself. If her father was here now he would sternly tell her to get herself together and then gently pat her cheek lovingly.

Steadying herself Orla wiped the last few tears and sat up in bed. Throwing the covers off she made her way across her hut and started to assemble her armor.

***

Orla sat in the Cantina of some outer rim planet stressed and annoyed. She had been on this mission for nearly a week and still couldn’t find her bounty. She had even asked the locals and none of them could give her information on the bounty.  Clutching the glass in her hand Orla watched as foam swirled as she chewed on the inside of her cheek. She was ready to give up, head back to Tatooine and tell Fortuna he could just shove it up his ass. The thought brought a smirk to her face but she knew she couldn’t do that.

Sighing heavily Orla poured herself another glass of mead and brought it to her lips. Throwing her head back Orla downed the entire glass and slammed it on the table. Wiping her mouth she raised an eyebrow as she made eye contact with the new visitor.

The woman, small and sleek with a braid down her back, eyed Orla back. Her eyes were piercing and it made Orla unsettled. It wasn't often that she felt uneasy about someone but for some reason, this woman in front of her made her uncomfortable.

“I’m not really in the mood for company at the moment. So unless you have info about my bounty I would appreciate it if you left.” Leaning back in her chair Orla reached for the pitcher of mead.

Her new, unwelcomed visitor was quicker though, swiftly grabbing the pitcher and her glass to fill for herself. Lips pressed into a thin line Orla continued to lean back, letting her hand slowly brush over her thigh and towards her blaster.

“I’m not here to keep you company or to give you info about your bounty. And there's no use in trying to shoot me. I know all your tricks. You’re just like your father.” Smirking, the woman lifted the glass of mead and downed the entire glass much like Orla had just a moment prior. “I’m here to take you back to Tatooine. Your presence has been requested at the Hutt Castle."

Orla scoffed. She was starting to grow unsettled but refused to let it show. No one openly talked to her about her father, especially so forward. Yet here was this woman she knew nothing about and seemed to know almost everything about her.

"I'm on a hunt. I'm not just abandoning. They know where I am. If it was so important they could comm me."

"It's under new management now. This hunt isn't important. What is, is that you come back with me to Tatooine and do just as I say."

"Dank Farrik," Orla cursed under her breath.

Her mind was racing with hundreds of questions and thoughts. New management was never good. It meant Fortuna was most certainly dead leaving her without work. The new owner could very well be demanding she come back to the castle to give her a new position… or to simply kill her off. It would all depend on just who killed Fortuna and where the Fett Clan stood with them.

Orla couldn't think of anyone who would be seeking her demise but her father told her to always assume someone would be after her. She thought about escaping. Trying to find a way out of the cramped cantina and find a new home elsewhere, or maker, even change her name and lay low in a village or dinner caves. But then her thoughts turned into what if she just listened to the woman in front of her and went back to Tatooine. This woman wasn't trying to fight her or take her as her own personal bounty as far as she could tell, and if she listened maybe they would see that as her committing her skills to them and hire her on a permanent mercenary.

"Listen," the woman spoke up. "I can see you thinking. This isn't a trap and you're not gonna die. You're more than welcome to just leave now, forget about the bounty you are on, and start a new life but I think you'll want to see what happens at the castle."

Chewing her cheek again, Orla stared into the woman's eyes, looking for any hint of a lie. When she couldn't find anything Orla leaned forward and grabbed the pitcher and glass, pouring herself the last serving and gulping it.

"Fine. I'll go. But what about my ship? And how can I trust you? I don't know who you're working for and I doubt you'll tell me, so can I at least get your name?"

"Your ship doesn't matter anymore. You'll be given a new one. We can stop and collect anything you may need from it for now but if you wish to come back and get it in the future then do as you will."

The woman stood and Orla followed, trailing after her out of the cantina and to the ship docks.

"And my name," the woman said as she looked over her shoulder, "is Fennec Shand."

***

The ride to Tatooine was spent in silence. Orla didn't mind, she was never one for conversations with people outside her close ring and Fennec didn't seem like much of a talker either. Orla spent most of the flight napping in the passenger seat, hand lingering over her blaster just in case Fennec tried to do anything funny. The trip was long and Orla's body cried for rest. Relaxing into her seat she let sleep eventually consume her. When the ship started its descent she woke and stretched her stiff limbs as the dunes came into view.

Even walking to the castle was spent in silence. Orla started to worry less and less about Fennec trying to harm or kill her but she still couldn't shake the feeling that something big was about to happen. The universe felt off, heavier, and almost foggy like a dream. Shaking the feeling off Orla continued to walk until she reached the castle, stopping just outside the entrance to the lower level.

 Fennec didn't bother stopping calling out to her as she continued to go down. "You don't want to keep him waiting."

Shutting her eyes and taking one last steadying breath Orla walked down the stairs and down into the throne room.

The silence that welcomed her was terrifying. She had never seen the palace empty and was prepared for someone to jump out and attach her. Turning around in circles she searched for Fennec but couldn't find the woman anywhere. The only thing that greeted her was the echoing sound of her footsteps bouncing off the palace walls. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. She felt the tension in the air, like electricity wrapping it around her and coursing through her veins.

Down the hallway, a new set of footsteps echoed off the palace walls. Orla turned slowly to see who it was, her hand inching towards her blaster prepared to draw and start shooting if anyone tried attacking. Before she could reach her blaster though she froze. Every muscle in her body locked up and she felt her lungs screaming at her to breathe.

Brain screaming, Orla tried to calm herself but she found it nearly impossible as she stared at the bounty hunter before her. Finally able to breathe again Orla dropped her hand away from her blaster, only for her brain to start screaming more, telling her this could still be a trap. She felt like she was going in circles. She couldn't process what she was seeing.

Finally getting herself to relax enough Orla took in a couple of steadying breaths before collecting her thoughts and speaking.

"Dad," she questioned, brows knitting together. Her knees started to shake as she continued to eye the man.

Giving a small tilt of his head the bounty hunter started to take cautious steps forward. Shaking her head in disbelief, Orla walked backward until her back was pressed against the wall.

Confused and on the verge of tears Orla reached for her blaster and drew it quickly. She knew this was an imposter, her father was dead. Killed many years ago by the Sarlac, leaving her to take care of herself and forge her own path in the world of bounty hunting. The only other explanation she could find was that she was also dead. That she had gone with Fennec and was killed in her sleep and as some cruel joke, the maker chose her and her father's resting place as Jabba's palace - the last place she had seen her father. 

Continuing to watch the man slowly approach, she studied the freshly painted armor. It didn't fit the man like it did her father, being a little tight in the gut, but the dent on the helmet told her it was indeed at least her father’s beskar. That dent had been there as long as you could remember. Orla had heard rumors not long after her father's death of his ghost walking around in the far parts of the planet but refused to believe it. Then she heard about how it was just a marshal who had found the beskar, using it for his own advantage. She pondered if this was that man, but couldn't think of any reason why he would be here and why he would have killed Fortuna.

Shaking her head Orla switched the safety off on her gun and lifted it, aiming at the man in front of her. No matter who this was it was not her father and she wasn't willing to let anyone take her life or get her father's armor.

"Take one more step and I'll shoot," she snarled through clenched teeth; her hand shaking just slightly from the adrenaline.

Stopping, the man raised his hands in surrender, letting them drift slowly to the helmet as if going to take it off.

Trembling, Orla clenched her jaw, unable to speak any further as she watched the man lift the helmet from his head. Time ticked by slowly, almost painfully as she waited for the man to reveal himself. When the helmet was completely removed and tucked under the man's arm Orla felt as if the wind was knocked out of her.

"My child," Boba whispered. He studied Orla, wide-eyed as he took in her face. "You've grown so much, little one."

Dropping her blaster Orla lifted a shaking hand to her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut; hot tears sliding down her face. The world started to spin as she continued to shake, her breathing becoming heavy and labored.

“This, this can’t be happening. Y- you were dead!” Snapping her head up she pointed a finger at her father. “You left me! You left me to fend for myself and promised you’d be back!” Taking the last couple steps towards Boba she pushed against his chest with both of her trembling hands, the sound of flesh hitting beskar echoing in the empty room.

Stumbling back Boba threw his free hand up in defense, allowing her a minute to process and sob.

Orla was so full of rage and anger she couldn’t tell if she was still shaking from the shock of seeing the man she thought was dead or because she was so furious he was alive all this time and didn’t come to find her.

Furious Orla gave out a shriek and started swinging at her father. Boba was quicker though, quickly stepping back to avoid her fist colliding with his face.

“Verd’ika…” Boba pleaded his own desperation and hurt seeping through.

Letting her fists fall to her sides Orla hung her head and sobbed. She had almost forgotten what her father's voice sounded like after all the years he was gone. The sounds of her nicknames rolling off his tongue were like a spear through the heart. It sent her body limp and every nerve on edge. But the desire for nothing more than to hug her father and beheld was stronger than her anger.

Rushing forward Orla threw her arms around her father, almost knocking him over. Dropping his helmet Boba threw his own arms around her, lifting her from the ground and burying his face into the padding on her shoulder as dust flitted around. The smell of her father overwhelmed her causing her to cry harder. Trying to inhale and catch her breath Orla clung closer to her father like she did when she would have a nightmare and he would be there to protect her.

Maybe that's all this was, she thought. A bad dream and she was just now waking up.

“My little girl,” Boba wept. “I’m so sorry. I should have come back sooner. Should have told you."

"Papa," Orla cried. "I'm just happy to see you. I can't believe you're here."

Setting Orla back down Boba took a step back and rested a hand on her shoulder.

"I was so scared, Orla. When I was tumbling down into the pit  I-I thought about nothing besides you and how I had failed you." Boba's lip trembled as he tried to hold back another sob, determined to be strong for his little girl.

Boba was a fierce man. Anyone could tell you that. He was a little rough around the edges and seldom let outsiders into his life - Fennec, Din, and Orla's mother's being the exceptions. When it came to his daughter though he would go to the ends of the galaxy for her. She was his entire life from the moment she arrived. A piece of him and a piece of the woman he once - and even now still- loved. She reminded him so much of himself when she was younger and when he was falling to his death he couldn't help but think about how he was leaving her, just like his father did. Since the day of the Sarlacc pit, the idea of leaving his daughter haunted home.

Reaching up Orla gently wiped the tears from her father's scarred cheeks. "But you're here now Papa. And I'm here. We're ok. It's gonna be ok."

Giving a wet and loving chuckle Boba pulled his daughter into another hug.

They stood there for a couple of minutes holding each other until their crying died. Father and daughter reunited again and both were determined to keep it that way.

"Sorry to break up family time," Fennec said from the hallway. "But Mando is back and I don't think it will do him good if he sees you crying from your little reunion."

Sighing heavily, Boba stepped back from Orla, giving her a smile and a soft pat on the cheek.

"Buir," Orla groaned playfully. "You haven't done that since I was a child."

"And every day I was away from you I wished I could do it again." Scoping up his helmet Boba set it back on his head. "Now come child, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

***

Meeting the Mandalorian was… interesting. When introduced to him by her father he gave a curt nod and nothing more. The rest of their meeting went with little talking. Her father gave him the credits he earned for his bounty, told him where to find his next one, and asked him how he was doing.

At her father's last question the Mandalorian hesitated before answering, his helmet turning to her for a brief moment before responding with a quiet "fine."

When the Mandalorian left the room Orla stood and looked down at her father.

"Seems like some great company. Reminds me of a certain someone." She said cheekily.

Sighing heavily Boba stood and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"You'll warm up to him while we are all here. The man's just been through a lot."

Frowning slightly Orlla raised her eyebrow. "While we are all here? What does that mean?"

"You work for me now little one. And you'll be staying here in the castle with all of us."

Scoffing, Orla brushed her father's hand away. "Working for you?"

"What, you think just because your father shows back up you don't have to work?"

Shaking her head Orlla leaned against the wall. "Well, I didn't ask to be a bounty hunter papa. There are other things I want to do in life. And I have my own home."

A low growl cake from Boba. "What do you possibly want to do in this life ad'ika?" His tone was sharp as he spoke. "You're a fantastic hunter from what I have heard and just because you are my child doesn't mean I'm gonna give that up."

Crossing her arms over her chest, Orla glared at her father. "I'm a great hunter because I had to be. Without you, it's all I had. It's not what I wanted at all. I want to be able to be me. Do things you never got to do properly and I know you longed forward. Like having a real family! To fall in love and not worry about losing them or my children! And you just came back! And you're gonna send me out on hunts? You of all people should know how dangerous that is!"

"Sorry to burst your bubble Orlla, but that's not how our lives work!" Boba's voice continued to rise in volume, causing Orlla to flinch away from him. "We'll never be the type of people to settle down and just enjoy the mundane things in life. I tried, and look at how that turned out for your mother! So if you want a family then you're gonna have a damn struggle of a time keeping them safe. And maker above, if that day ever comes I hope you're prepared to be fighting for the rest of your life, and whoever the bastard is that touches my daughter - so help me Orlla, it will not go well!" Sighing again Boba took a moment to try and cool himself. "As for the missions I know it's dangerous and the risks I'm running by sending you out there. That's why you're going with Mando."

"What?!" Orla yelled, throwing herself from the wall and storming towards her father. "If you wanna send me out then Ita best to tell you now, I work alone. I trust no one. Not even you right now. You taught me that! I'm an adult! I don't need some sort of babysitter! Or you telling me what I can and can't do with people!"

Lowering his head Boba stared at his daughter through the visor of his helm. "You're my daughter! My only family left Orla! I'm just trying to protect you! In and out of bounty hunting! And I've changed my opinion. At least when it comes to mando. So you're going with him on missions and that's final!"

Grinding her teeth together Orla set her piercing gaze on her father's helmeted face. She couldn't see it but she knew underneath his face was twisted with worry for her. "Fine. I get it. I won't argue. For now. Right now I'm tired physically, emotionally, and mentally. I haven't slept in a bed in I don't know how long. I haven't eaten anything today and I'm still trying to process everything. Let's talk more about this later?" Relaxing her gaze on her father softened, telling him she was done fighting.

Nodding his head in agreement, Boba looked towards Fennec in the doorway. "Show Orla to one of the rooms please so she may rest."

Turning, Fennec left down the hallway, leaving Orla to wander behind.

***

Sleeping was impossible. Tossing and turning in the unusual bed Orla replayed the events of her day in her head. The fact her father was alive and well - despite some gnarly scars and possibly some emotional damage - overwhelmed her. Everything she had known over the last five years was abruptly coming to a halt and she couldn't help the gut feeling that the actions of today were going to drastically change her life. She wasn't sure how but she knew they would.

The argument with her father wasn't how she wanted to say goodnight to her father but it was fitting. Before he left the last time she saw him they would constantly argue before he left for every mission. She didn't like it and it was stupid but it seemed to be their way of communicating with each other. It worked needlessly to say. They always heard the other out and usually came up with a middle ground where they could meet each other's requests. But this argument was different. Orla, much like her father, was not an open book. She didn't share her truest desires or feelings but seeing her father today set her emotions over the edge.

Groaning, Orla tossed over in bed looking at the chronometer on the wall.

4:34 am

"No use in sleeping," Orla grumbled.

Throwing the sheets off she climbed out of the bed and pulled on her slacks. Running her fingers through her hair yelping when she hit a knot, accidentally tugging on it. Giving up on her hair before even really trying to fix it she tucked her long unruly into the collar of her shirt, keeping it out of the way.

Shuffling her way down to the dining room the smell of freshly brewed caff welcomes her, pulling her towards her destination. Wondering if her father was already up by some miracle or perhaps he couldn't sleep either - neither of them were morning people - she rounded the corner into the dining area and was met with a surprising sight.

Standing at the counter pouring coffee was a man with luscious deep brown hair and soft tanned skin. He wore a gray old short sleeve and what appeared to be his flight suit pants. She couldn't see his face straight on but the tiniest bit of facial hair could be seen.

Gasping louder than she meant Orla realized it was the Mandalorian from earlier. Looking over to the table she saw his gleaming silver helmet staring back at her.

"Hi."

The single word filtered into her ears softly, causing her to whip her head back to the man.

Gawking she restudied the man. His eyes were gorgeous. A warm earthy brown that made it feel like summer was swimming around her. Ans his lips… she watched as he brought the mug up to his mouth, his lush lips kissing the rim as he drank.

"H-hi," she croaked.

Lowering the mug mando licked his lips before speaking. "I wasn't expecting anyone else to be up for a while."

"I couldn't sleep," she said sheepishly.

Nodding in understanding, Mando moved from the counter and sat at the table in the middle of the room.

Making her way across the dining room Orla grabbed her own mug and poured herself a cup of caff. She could feel the Mandalorian's gaze burning into her back as she rummaged around I'm she cupboards, trying to find the object she was looking for.

"If you're gonna stare can I at least get a name to address you besides Mando?" Reaching behind some cans of food she found want she was looking for. Standing she uncorked the bottle and dumped the contents into her coffee.

Turning to lean against the counter she looked at Mando who was still eyeing her.

"Isn't it a bit early to start drinking?

Rolling her eyes Orla took a drink of her caff; the hot liquid and burning of the alcohol warming her insides and helping her relax. "Not in this family. It's never too early. More like too late by the time you find the alcohol." Taking another drink she rolled her shoulders, leaning further into the counter. "So do I not get to know your name? I'd like to know something about the man I am going to be spending most of my time with."

"Din."

Curling her lip Orla gave a soft 'hmm'.

Looking away from Orla, Din stared down into his mug. "I get the impression you don't like me very much. Any particular reason? Or do I just have to go off of the information I heard between you and your father earlier?"

Flushing, Orla's gaze burned into the side of Din's face. "That's none of your business. And now that I know your eavesdropping on my conversations it just gives me reason not to trust you even more."

"Not really eavesdropping when the two of you shout at the top of your lungs," he mumbled under his breath.

Seething, and knuckles white from gripping the mug so tight Orla let out an annoyed snicker.

"I'm just saying," Din said with a shrug as he turned to look back at Orla. "Your dad is just trying to protect you. He's scared of losing you again."

"And how would you know that?" She snapped back. "You've been part of my father's life, what, maybe a week?"

"I know what it's like. To lose a child," Din admitted heavily.

"Oh." Relaxing Orla made her way to the table and sat across from Din. "I-I’m so sorry. I didn't realize you were a father."

Sighing, Din gave a weak smile. "It's ok. He was a foundling I saved from the empire. He's with his people now. If it wasn't for your father I don't know what would have happened to the kid."

Looking down into her mug Orla fought the tears that tried to spring from her eyes. Of course, after everything her father had been through with her grandpa, and thinking he lost his own daughter he would help another man save his child. Again, her father was tough but when it came to children the poor man turned into a softy.

"I'm glad your kids safe," she whispered. "However," she raised her eyes back up to look at him, "that still doesn't mean I fully trust you."

"Who says I don't trust you either?"

Smirking Orla brought her mug up to her lips once again with a smirk and a twinkle in her eye. "Touché."

Din and Orla sat in silence for the next hour, sipping coffee and spacing out. It wasn't until they heard footsteps down the hallway they perked up and looked at who it was.

"My own daughter, up before me?" Boba chucked before ruffling her hair.

"Couldn't sleep. Fresh caff is brewing. Alcohol is in the cabinet."

Smiling Boba made his way to the counter, coming back a moment later with a steaming cup of spiked caff.

"Taking It you couldn't sleep either mando?"

Shaking his head Din finished the last of his coffee.

"Well, sorry to say but we've all got work to do today."

Groaning, Orla stood from her seat, downing the last of her coffee. "I'll go get ready then."

Before she could leave the room though she felt a tug on her hair; pulling it free from the collar of her shirt.

"Ad'ika… what is this? Please don't tell me you let your hair be like this all the time while I was gone." Boba scolded.

Orla smiled sheepishly at her father. "I never learned to braid after you left. So I just put it in a ponytail or bun. But when it's down it gets tangled so easily. It's just so thick.

"Orla," Boba chided.

"Papa! I didn't have the energy to learn when you left! And I was gonna cut it off but I couldn't bring myself to do it…"

"You're just like your mother. And if I ever find out you cut off your hair it might be the actual death of me." Chuckling Boba guided his daughter back to her chair. "Now sit."

Groaning Orla plopped herself down into her seat, letting her father pull apart the tangles in her hair. 

"Your so dramatic buir."

"And you're not?"

Both chuckling Boba continued to gently separate her hair into strands, braiding them together and picking up pieces as he went.

Across from them, Din went unnoticed as he watched intently; learning how to braid.

*******************************************************************************************

Spotify Playlist

Tag-list: @kesskirata @piscespussybabe @wanderlust69 @itssamcry @alis-into-wonderland @stardust-danvers  @g0ldenlush @sweet-silver

[hitoshisbabygirl]

Under the Moonlight and Fireworks // Tamaki Amajiki

Authors Notes ♡: hi hi, I’m Bunny and welcome to my first collab and first official fic I post to this blog! I promise I’m gonna be active even more now, I’ve written a few things I plan on posting in the next week or so! I’m so glad to be a part of this lovely collab and hopefully you guys will see me in many more! I hope I did my baby Tamaki well in this, I just love him so much~ I hope you enjoy reading this and much as I did writing it ~ bunny ❥

Warnings : none! (Maybe a lil angst if you squint really hard) I tried my best to make a tooth rotting cotton candy fluffy fluff story for Tama!

Word count : 5k give or take!

Paring(s) : Tamaki Amajiki x F! Reader

Mirio and Nejire are dating in this world too ♡

———————————————————————

Summer, the warmest time of the year, from spring flings to summer love, studying to vacations, the time of the year students look forward to, being able to make some of your fondest memories. Even in its short duration, Summer is arguably one of the people’s favorite times of the year.

For Tamaki however, he dreads this summer more than the ones he had before.

You see, He doesn’t hate the heat, or the social interactions (shudder), or getting ready for his exams, his work studies that go through the summer break, or having to get stronger, as he is one of UA’s big three. Oh no, no of these bother him at all. Not even talking about the work studies to 1-A (which is terrifying in itself) can compare to this. This summer has him dreadful for one very big problem, a big issue, specifically one person he can confirm his dread comes from.

[First Name] [Last Name].

One of his childhood friends (alongside Mirio), one of the first people to talk to him, to get to know him, someone who knows him sometimes more than he knows himself. Yes, [First name] [Last Name], the person who makes his heart beat a million miles per second when he hears her laugh or see her blinding smile. The girl with a golden heart...

Is causing him so much dread.

————————————————

It started with a smile, a gentle sign of acknowledgment, warmth, and care without saying a single thing

—————————————————

“Hi, I’m [Name]! What’s your name!? Have you gotten your quirk!? I have mine it’s-“ The small girl rambled on and on, and all Tamaki could do was blink. Between meeting Mirio and this mystery girl [Name], he didn’t know how much more interaction he could take. He looked at the strange duo in front of him, Both coming to talk and befriend the timid boy. With a smile and a grab of a hand by the girl, Tamaki, Mirio and her ran around the playground, they talked and played the rest of his first day, starting the beginning of their friendship.

“Hey, I know! How about we become a group! We can become heroes together and take out the villains!” Mirio said one day during lunch, the small children eating from their bento boxes. “Hey, we should! Then when we get older we can be like All Might!” [Name] said happily, jumping up and down with Mirio while Tamaki watched them, slowly picking in his bento for the octopus-shaped sausages.

“ Whatcha got Tama?” The girl asked, causing young Tamaki to turn crimson “N-nothing something my m-momma made me...” He answered timidly, trying to close the lid before she could see the cut-out creatures in his lunch. To his dismay, she did. “Hey don’t be shy! I like octopuses, your mom really must love you to do something like that!” [Name] said, smiling at her stuttering friend.

“ Hey, do you like octopuses Tama?” She said, widened and bright eyes looking into his slanted darker ones. With a sigh he looked up to her, seeing how close she was, young Tama couldn’t help but to fall backward, shocked at the close proximity of his counterpart. “ Wahhh are you okay Tama??” “Hey, Amajiki are you alright?!” The two asked, looking over the small hill he had rolled down. Without hesitation, they came to his aid, Mirio reaching out to help him up

Whilst [Name], helped brush grass from him. “Butterflies..” He let off, the pair confusingly looked at him. “My favorite animal has to be butterflies..” He said, looking up at [Name] with a small smile that she too, had forming onto her face...

————————————————

Then there was the exchange of gifts, unspoken words, and heavy hearts

————————————————

“Hey, Tama! Mirio!” [Name] yelled down the hall towards her two best friends, seeing them head to the gym for the ending ceremony of the fifth grade. “[NickName]” Mirio yelled back, running towards her as she met him halfway, the two turning to their shy friend. “We were headed to the gym, let's go before they start!” Mirio said energetically, running off to the double doors. “Hey wait up! Come on Tama!” She said, grabbing him by the hand and catching up to their hyper partner.

The ceremony went smoothly, Tamaki and her holding hands until the very end.

“[N-Name]...” Tamaki said softly, grabbing the girls’ hand a bit tighter as they started home, book bags filled with the last day's stuff they either left in their lockers or got from teachers. “Tama?” She questioned, turning to face him. With skin as hot as coal and a shaky breath , Tamaki reached in his bag and gave her a white bunny, a blue dress on it with a vibrant blue butterfly clip on the ear. “T-this is...this is f-for you...” he said so quietly he was shocked when he heard a response “oh Tama..she’s beautiful” With gentle hands she took the bunny from him, playing with the hem of the blue dress. With a gasp and a smile she dug in her bag, giving him a squishy and soft red octopus, an identical blue butterfly pinned to a tentacle. “I guess we had the same idea huh?” She said with darkened cheeks, looking away as he took the octopus from her.

“Y-you..wanted to get me something too..?” He said in disbelief, looking at her with doe like eyes. “Of course! I gave Mirio a Ox because he’s just , well, big and cuddly like one!” She said, giving Tama what he called “the sun in a smile” face, a soft giggle falling from her lips. The two of them stood there for what felt like eternity, then finally, finally [Name] moved, giving tamaki a hug. A stuttering and blushing mess , he froze, not knowing how to handle the display of affection when he heard what she whispered to him “I’ll always be connected to you now Tama “ she said and with a kiss to his ear she ran off before he could say anything, his heart aflame as he watched his best friend dart around the corner.

“Hey Tamaki!” Mirio said, seeing his friend frozen on the concrete. With a snap back to reality, tamaki looked at Mirio, his heart feeling heavenly and heavy all in the same breath. “Y-yeah?” He said looking back at the blonde boy. ‘So bright’ he thought to himself and they walked home.”I heard [Name] was going back to the states” Mirio started, judging by his friends' shocked and sad face , he knew she didn’t tell him. “She didn’t say that when she left huh? Well don’t worry tamaki! We’ll see her again. I just know it! “ Mirio said joyfully with a thumbs up, seeing his sad and shy friend get worse. ‘Maybe that’s what she means by we’ll always be connected..’ Tamaki thought to himself, the octopus she gave him wrapped safely in his arms....

————————————————

Left with a broken promise, fragile in time , stuck in the suspense of hope in the future

————————————————

It didn’t matter as the school year started for middle school, nothing felt the same. Mirio was here but she wasn’t..

He felt like he was missing something, somewhere something was missing.

Her.

He couldn’t stop thinking of the girl who constantly pushed him out of his normal, to push him into bigger and better things, no matter his rebuttal. He missed laughing, eating bento in the grass. No looking out for butterflies together, no long walks home. No warmth.

He had Mirio and he was enough for the two of them

He never noticed it until now..and he wishes he did sooner.

He needed her too, more than he knew , a bigger piece into his life was missing that was more than he thought.

————————————————————

Then the fireworks came, setting off a fuse to a blaze that couldn’t be bothered to try and be contained

————————————————————

Tamaki didn’t like festivals, too many people and things everywhere. But he promised Mirio he’d go, with their new friend, Nejire Hado. He saw her the beginning of their first year, and she was just like her in a very odd and....aloof way. She had the same spark he could say, louder and more outgoing, but she felt right in their friendship. ‘I wanna go home’ tamaki thought to himself, looking for the tuft of blonde hair or periwinkle wandering about. He was hot, tired, and drained. He wanted to see the fireworks, he really did, he just..couldn’t. With a sigh, he grabbed his phone from his yukata when-

A laugh

A pair of laughs

The sound of angels to his ears

In turning around he saw Nejire, bubbly and happy as can be rambling to a girl, who had on one of the most unique yukatas he saw all night. Dragons and waves, tigers and flames, wolves and mountain tops. Dark with golden trim, Artistry and design at it’s finest. From her in geta to the black, red and gold yukata, to the beautiful pieces placed in her hair. Soft makeup that he’d never seen before.

Unique, like her.

He knew what he saw but he didn’t want to believe it

She couldn’t be back

Could she?

And with Nejire?

Then it happens, the fireworks began to blast, colors in the sky as people stop to watch and it’s almost silent, almost, except for the pounding in Tamaki’s heart as he watches his best friend, no , love of his life , smile up to the sky , that same glow as the day he met her.

And that’s when he realizes ‘I’m in love with her’

——————————————————

And everything froze for that moment

——————————————————

He saw her.

Her eyes suddenly went from the sky to his , and they widened , full of questions, happiness and warmth , and also...fear? Sadness? A hint of nervousness? He couldn’t pinpoint it but once their eyes saw each other, nothing mattered, no one mattered, except them in that moment. She looked different...her body was shapely and taller than she was in the fifth grade of course. She was stunning, no , she was beautiful, a goddess amongst the morals as he saw it. He couldn’t help but want to hide , feeling like he couldn’t look , fearing to get burned.....

But he wanted to touch the sun, to have it to himself regardless of the pain, regardless of burn.

He wanted the warmth of her to scorch him, to free him

—————

She saw him.

The way he looked at her made her heart flip, Nejire’s words far gone as she saw her best friend in the distance. Way taller than she last saw him, a stronger physical shape and still his boyish charm had morphed into his handsome qualities. Eyes unsure of where to look, him slowly clamming up at the sight of her. She knew better than to get offended, if anything she was flattered, her childhood friend must feel something like she did. But within that she still saw the same shy third grade Tamaki Amajki in front of her, scared to speak his mind, making her heart smile at the thought. ‘He hasn’t changed a bit’ she said to herself as she smiled sweetly at him, throwing a gentle wave to him as her hyper female friend Nejire pulled her to a stand , then disappearing into the sea of people.....

But the only sea she wanted to drown in was the darkness of his eyes wrapped in the cool of his arms.

She wanted the sea of him to take her into his heart

—————

“Tamaki?” Mirio said, touching his friends shoulders as he watched him jump at the feeling, wide eyes and stuttering out incomplete sentences, he shook him and with the loudest and most confident voice Mirio’s ever seen or hear his best friend say “She’s here, she back Mirio, my bunny’s back”

—————————————————

Which brings us to the current time of why Tamaki hates the summer. His long standing, hidden feeling crush is back in town, and going to one of the biggest hero course based schools in Japan ,UA Academy, with no other than the shy boy himself

—————————————————

“Why didn’t you tell me she was back, Mirio?” Tamaki said , a large sigh tumbling from his lips As he watched the two girls walk arm and arm together to class , Mirio and himself headed to their own designated room. “I didn’t know myself Tamaki, honest! Nejire just said she was showing a new student around , how was I supposed to know it was [Name]! I’m glad she's back though, I missed her but obviously not as much as you do ~” Mirio stated, elbowing his red friend as they sat down for their lessons. ‘Didn’t know..huh’ he looked out the window as everyone poured in. This was gonna be a long day..

———————

Nejire walked arm and arm with [Name], the two of them blabbering to each other as they headed to their class together. “Aw come on and have fun, I need your help y'know don’t laugh at me! ” She whined, shaking the now laughing girl. “I know! Why don’t you talk to him for me?” She said with her iconic excitement, turning to face [Name] as she owlishly blinked back at the girl, hands up in defense. “Uh uh don’t get me in your way of what your crush. I’m not even that helpful in these things!” She said with a giggle as they started to walk once again, passing an open classroom. Stealing a glance through the open door, she swore she saw a certain blonde and Indigo duo she hadn’t talked to in years, not counting the fact she saw them at the recent festival she went to with Nejire. With the sudden stop Nejire turned around, looking back at her with a confused look.

“[Name]? Hello did you hear me?” She asked , waving her hand in front of the girl as she snapped out of it, smiling nervously back at her friend calling her. “Huh? Oh yeah! I-I’m fine just got a little distracted” She said, waving off Nejire's side glance as she headed to their classroom. The periwinkle haired girl watched her friend with a pout, looking into the classroom as she saw her other two best friends. “Miri! Tama! Hey!!” She said , running into the classroom as she hugged them, Tamaki hating her loud appearance while Mirio blushed at the girls’ affection. “ Hey Neji, what’s up?” Mirio asked, color flushing his face, a thing his quiet friend noticed. With a nervous smile Nejire let go of the boys, giving them room as she laughed. “Nothing much, heading to class with [Name], what’re you guys doing? Are you guys ready for the class collab this afternoon?!” She started excitedly

Tamaki immediately looked up, eyes wide as he heard her name. ‘She is here, but why? Is she in the hero’s course too? Sigh...I wanna go home..I can’t face her..not yet’ He thought to himself. “Yep we sure are! I can’t wait to see her, is she really here? Where?!” Mirio jumped up , grabbing the shorter girl’s shoulders. “W-well we’re in class together! Class 2-A!” She said , a wild spread of color onto her cheeks settling in as she looked at the energetic blonde. “Tamaki let's go say hi! It’s been awhile since we saw her, I bet she’s happy to see us as much as we are to see her! Oh yeah, I can’t wait to ask her about the states, I wonder what she’s been up to!” Mirio said as he ran out of the room , headed to the neighboring one.

“Let’s go chicken heart!” Nejire turned to Tamaki, seeing the boy even gloomier than usual. “ Oh come on you knew her before I did! It’ll be fun, we can even be the big four!” She giggled as she tried to drag the elf ear boy along, a sigh falling from his lips. ‘Definitely a long day..’ he thought. “I’ll wait here Hado..I’ll talk to her later..” He said, pulling from the confused girl. “Aw come on, shell be happy to see you! Let’s go yeah?” Nejire begged to no avail, Tamaki already facing the wall in defeat. With a heavy sigh and pout she went after Mirio, leaving him to stew in his thoughts.

——————————

“So...you want to ask Hado out?” Tamaki started, looking to his usually ecstatic friend, a nervous look washing over his face. “Y-yeah..I dunno Tamaki, she’s something special. I can’t help the way my heart feels whenever she appears, her smile makes me warm, she's like a female me! Ah what can I say, I just feel..whole y'know? In a relationship way not saying that you don’t make me feel happy and whole too! Hey Tamaki! Stop looking like that!” Mirio said, finally turning to the boy after his confession, seeing his friend now looking intimidatingly at his lunch, chopsticks pulling apart the fried octopus in his meal.

“I dunno Mirio...are you sure you want to do this..? What if she..rejects you…?” The pessimistic boy said, looking over to his friend in concern. “Well...we’d just have to go back to being friends! No harm in that right?” Mirio said, happy as can be with a smile to Tamakis’ dismay. ‘How can someone be so happy all the time..’ he thought, hearing his friend explain how he’d confess to Nejire, but all he could think about is how to do the same for [Name]. ‘Oh bunny..I hope I could one day too..tell you how much you mean to me..’ Tamaki thought, looking up as the sun shined brightly.

————————

“Okay so I wanna confess to Miri” Nejire blurted out, halting a stretching [Name]. “You want to do WHAT?” [Name] said , a little louder than she hoped, seeing angry stares at her as she apologized, looking back at her friend. “ You really want to go to the next step huh?” She said soon sighing ”Do you...think you’re ready Neji? There's good AND bad that could come from this, I don’t want you getting your heart hurt if it doesn’t work out…” She said, looking back to the periwinkle haired girl , determination plastered onto her face. “ I have to [Name] , if I don’t I won’t be able to know if I really like him , so I can finally deal with this silly crush once and for all!” Nejire said, turning to look back at her lost friend. “Trust me , I’ll be okay..I need to do this. Next year is our last year together, and if we have a blossoming love into the ages I refuse to miss the opportunity!” She said, enthusiasm laced throughout her speech.

“I’ll text him now! Tell him there’s something I have to tell him” Nejire started, opening her phone as she typed vigorously, sending the text with a ’ping’ “Well alright..but I’m telling you now I’m no wingman!” [Name] said , following behind Nejire, who soon was squealing through the halls, starting to run towards the stairs. “He said yes [Name] , he said yes! He told me to come up to the rooftop! C'mon we have to hurry before class starts!” Nejire said, taking up the stairs. “Wait! Ugh love birds..” [Name] grumbled, speeding up to catch up to her.

———————————

Twilight, when the sun and the moon meet in the middle to change, from night to day , day to night. I’m this cause however, love is blossoming in the mist of its glory

——————————————

Year 3, the final stretch until UAs’ finest become heroes in the world, men and women joining the social aspect of the world. But Tamaki knew it was a mock to that part in highschool, truly it being a ticking time bomb for him to confess his own feelings for his childhood best friend. The duo were currently headed for the workshop to get the updated gear they put in from the support class, both them excited to see the updates and new gear they ordered in. “Hey Tama, what did you think your hero gear looks like now? Ah I can’t wait! I hope now I don’t have to worry about tears and damaging me and my whole outfit!” [Name] said happily, rambling about her gear. Tamaki looked fondly at his energetic friend, his eyes sparkling as he took in her appearance.

The UA uniform hugging her in all the right places, her smile bringing a warmth to his heart. Her skin looked soft to the touch and her hair pinned and out of the way of her face, displaying her happy disposition. She soon looked up and met eyes with the shy boy as he soon turned red, stuttering out apologizes as he hid his face from the now giggling girl, her own face warming at noticing him staring at her. “Aw don’t be shy Tama! What’s up? Something wrong?” [Name] said, tilting her head to him as she leaned closer, which caused Tamaki to lean back from her and stutter even more which amused the girl even more. “ N-nothing s-stop teasing me bunny..” he whispered to the girl, turning even darker as he faced the wall , feeling his heart starting to speed, fluttering against his ribcage as the butterflies in his stomach rose up to meet his throat, the two mingling until they made a knot in the middle.

He tensed when [Name] wrapped her arms around his waist, tucking her face under his arm to look at him, a soft smile splayed on her face. “Tamaki. Talk to me, what's got you so flustered hm?” Her voice calmed him but also made him nervous as he finally turned around to her , with darkened cheeks and a shaking body , he grabbed her hands, holding them in his own as they both looked in eachothers eyes, each slowly moving towards the other when..

“Hey you two! Are you guys getting your gear too!?” They heard a loud happy voice yelling from down the hall, knowing it was a certain happy go lucky couple. Tamaki quickly released [Name] , both of them flustered as they didn’t look up to their friends, an awkward silence falling between them as they walked into the workshop.

————————————————

“Tamaki you really should tell her! I bet she’ll say yes, and if it's anything like what we saw last week it seems she’s really into you too!” Mirio said to his timid friend, the indigo haired boy in thought as he watched the girl he was practically in love with laughing and joking with his other best friend and Mirios’ girlfriend Nejire.”You remember how scared I was to tell Neji I liked her and it turned out she was coming to tell me the same thing! The way you and [Name] stared at each other until we were done confessing had meaning in it y'know?” Mirio looked over at Tamaki, the shy boy now glancing towards him.

With a deep breath he continued “I know when she left you were heartbroken Tamaki….” With that statement , Tamaki perked up to look at his blonde friend seeing him look at him with soft eyes “You’ve always been in love with her Tama, everyone could see it…” With a sigh , Tamaki started, opening and shutting his mouth but with no avail , nothing came out. Mirio smiled and continued his thoughts “ We all hoped you’d tell her soon, to at least see where it could go….All of us really, you two maka a great duo as heroes, and we all see the chemistry, inside and out of the ring. And you know Neji, once she gets her mind set on something she doesn’t give up until it happens.” He said , glancing to his periwinkle haired lover talking to [Name] , the other girls face flushing with color as Nejire continued to talk on and on , obviously giving their other friend the same talk he was doing up here.

“I’ll...talk to her” Tamaki finally spoke up, shocking his optimistic friend. “What? Really??” Mirio said , grabbing Tamaki's arm and shaking the now dejected boy. “That’s great Tama, I’ll let Nejire know! Y'know we were planning to go out and get some pre summer fun done before we get out of school and start our pro hero lives! Why don’t you tell her there?” Mirio said , giving Tamaki a thumbs up. “Sure..what’s worse than confessing to a crush but doing it in public…” Tamaki responded, walking towards the door of the roof with his excited friend beside him,texting his girlfriend the plans as they headed down to meet them. ‘ I hope this works...Bunny I hope you’ll feel the same too..’ He thought to himself, trying to be the most confident he could muster inside of him.

————————————————

Tamaki waited outside with Mirio outside of the girls dorm, the energetic blonde constantly trying to giving the pessimistic indigo advice of what to say and how to confess, but all he could think about was all the ‘what ifs’ and how this could go wrong. Just before he started to try and get out of something he thought could bring him more regret the main door opened, showing a happy Nejire and a shy [Name] hidden behind her.

“Sorry boys it took so long! [Name] and me had to get ready , wanted to look our best for you two!” Nejire said with a wink, walking over to kiss Mirio on the cheek.” Well you two look beautiful! Don’t they Tamaki?” He asked , seeing as his friend was disgraced by the girl in front him, mouth slightly agape. “H-huh! Oh y-yeah you both look n-nice..” He rambled out, turning from his crush in front of him, looking everywhere except to make eye contact with the girl in front of him “Aw Tama stop being like that! [Name] got all dressed up and pretty for you and you won’t even look at her!” Nejire said, smacking the timid boy in the back with her purse.

With a pout from Mirio telling her to give their shy friend time, the couple started walking, the two shy friends behind them following close behind.”Nejire“I-it’s okay! He’s just nervous is all!” She defended him as well, walking beside Tamaki and throwing him a small smile. “We better keep up, or Nejire will have your head at this rate!” She laughed as he let off a deep sigh, all of them heading to what Nejire called their “romantic getaway”. As they went up the hill, [Name] gasped happily, looking down at an early festival going on. “Guys come look! It looks like they’re having some type of festival going on!” She exclaimed and Nejire sat beside her, they both giggled with joy as they watched the people beneath them run and dance around happily as the festival continued. Soon Tamaki and Mirio joined them , sitting beside each girl as they watched on, the joy from the day settling into them all.

As the sun started to set, Nejire gently laid her head on Mirios shoulder, the blonde smiling down at his girlfriend as they started snuggling up to each other in the sunset, drifting asleep on one another.

“Ah looks like the two of them are starting to sleep” [Name] said softly, seeing as their lovebird friends were drifting off as the sun hung low in the horizon, everyone in the festival gathering as they collected fireworks to set off.

“Y-yeah..” Tamaki agreed softly, looking at the girl beside him, his heart skipping a beat as she was already glancing over to him, a smile grazing her lips.

“I’m glad we’re here, back together Tama...I..missed you a lot when I went back home..it wasn’t the same” [Name] said with a whisper. “I..didn’t want to leave you..it’s why I gave you that octopus, I guess that was sorta silly..trying to convey how I felt with a stuffed animal “ She let out a light sigh, shaking her head as she watched the sun slip away. Tamaki reached out for her hand causing the girl to snap her head towards him, seeing his cheeks flush.

“[N-name]...Bunny..I’ve always c-cared for you and y-you moving c-changed nothing..if anything I-it made me realize how m-much you mean to me..I think…no..I know I’m in love with you, and I-I’m hoping...t-that you..c-could maybe..” And before he had the chance to finish they heard the iconic pop of fireworks, the two of them turning to watch the array of lights, their hands intertwined. As the moon slipped up from being hidden under the horizon, Tamaki watched [Name] , a smile settling on his lips as the moon and fireworks making the girl seem lambent to him, inside and out.

“Bunny..” He called out to her and with a soft hum she turned to him , eyebrow raised. ‘It’s now or never..’ Tamaki thought to himself, standing up as he held out his hand to her. [Name] smiled and stood with him, holding his hand back as she tilted her head, eyes wandering between his.”B-be mine..?” He asked, almost so quiet he didn’t expect her to let out a held breath and with a gentle smile answered “I’ve always been yours”. With a shaky exhale of a breath he pulled her closer, closing the distance between them with a passionate kiss, savoring the first of many kisses together, under the moon and fireworks.

——————————————————

Bonus ♡ !! :

Later that night , the gang of Tamaki and [Name] headed back with Mirio and Nejire, all four of them sitting on the floor of Mirios’ dorm as they ate snacks until their dinner arrived. “ Okay so! What should we watch tonight?” Nejire asked, stuffing her face soon after with marshmallows. “Please Hado..don’t chew with your mouth open..” Tamaki whispered, laying his head on [Name]’s Lap as she played with his hair, a held snort coming out. “We have games too! Don’t forget!” She said in response , laughing at her periwinkle haired friend as she started to finish her bowl of gummy white marshmallows, smiling when she was done. “Okay okay, now! Games or a movie?” “Games.” Mirio interrupted , a smirk growing on his face. “Let’s make a bet , whoever loses has to help and serve the winners” With a huff, Nejire stood to her taller male counterpart, cheeks puffed “That’s why we’ll win! You’re on!” Tamaki let out a sigh of disappointment and [Name] couldn’t help but smile, kissing the cheeks of her new boyfriend. “ It'll be okay Tama, I’m here remember?” She said softly as he sat up from her lap , giving her a proper kiss “You are and I wouldn’t change this for anything. I love you bunny” Tamaki said , kissing her once more on the lips, their friend arguing background noise as she kissed him back with a sweet “I love you too Tama”

[sunfloweradoring]

the one with the playlist

Strap yourselves in! This is big one, but I hope you enjoy! K xxx

masterlist

word count: 5k

It was certainly not the first time we’d been parted. Indeed, it was almost more common for one or both of us to be jetting off to some new location than staying in our own flat. However, that fact did not, in any way, alleviate the pain and sorrow the pair of us experienced with each prolonged separation. In the almost four years since we met at that stupid party so much in our lives had changed - yet the biggest constant was the feelings Harry and I shared for one another.

That’s why I found myself tearing up more than usual this Wednesday night.

“I’ll call you every day.” Harry reassured, glancing up from his almost completely packed suitcase to my eyes as I sat on the other side of the bed from the object. I tried my best to give him a convincing smile, nodding softly. “Baby...” His tone seemed to send me over the edge that I’d quite frankly been teetering on for the last three days. He abandoned his packing, pushing the suitcase down to the end of the bed before crawling towards me. Within a second he pulled me against him, his lips pressing kisses to the top of my head as my cheek squished against his chest.

“I’m just gonna miss you, ‘s all.” I muttered into his jumper, my fingers clutching desperately to the material as if I could hold him against me forever instead of letting him go on tour. 

“I know, lovie, I know. And I’m gonna miss you too, so much. But before you know it we’ll be together again!” His voice picked up a little towards the end. “You know, you’re gonna visit me in America, and we get two whole weeks together then, and then it’ll only be a little bit until I’m home again.”

“But then you’ll go again.” 

“You’re pretty shit at taking comfort, have I ever told you that?” I giggled quietly as his fingers playfully prodded at my sides. I squirmed in his grasp in attempts to escape his attack. 

“Just let me be sad!” I laughed, sitting between his legs when he finally released me. His eyes lingered, darting between mine and my lips. The silence that took over was one completely void of awkwardness. “I love you.” I almost whispered the words as I crawled up his body, swinging my right leg over his left, straddling his waist. His hands pushed up my thighs, curving around my waist as he pulled me forward into him again. 

“I love you too, Sunflower.” I could feel his smile against my neck before I let out a little whine of annoyance. 

“You know how much I hate it when you call me that.”

“Yeah, that’s why I do it.” I pulled back, hands on his chest as I inspected the smirk spread across his features. 

“Arsehole.” I laughed, shaking my head.

“Yeah, but you love me.” His hands dropped from my waist, grasping my bum in a squeeze. 

“Don’t know why.” I mumbled teasingly, glancing my eyes up to meet his as he let out a small ‘heeyyyyy’. I released another laugh, leaning forward to steal a quick peck from his lips. “I’m joking, my love. You know I love you because you’re the sexiest, funniest and all round best person in the world.” My lips ghosted over his, allowing me to detect the subtle darkening of his eyes as lust overtook him. 

                                                ---------------------

“Are you sure you’ve got everything?” I asked for what was probably the fifth time in the last thirty minutes.

“Yes, woman, Christ.” Harry replied in fake exasperation. 

“Alright, alright, I just don’t want you calling me, crying, because you didn’t bring enough knickers.” I smirked, stepping out of the apartment. 

“Don’t wear knickers. Imma man.” He grumbled in return, delivering a playful slap to my bum before locking the door. “You don’t have to take me to the airport if you don’t want to, honey.” 

“But I do want to.” I grinned, getting into the car as he loaded up the boot with his numerous bags. As he reached out for the passenger door’s handle, he gasped.

“Wait, hang on one sec, I forgot something.” He said, holding his finger up before jogging back to the door, unlocking it and disappearing inside before I could chastise him for his forgetfulness. Not two minutes had gone by before he reemerged, locking the door once more. To my surprise, though, his hands were just as empty as they had been when he left the car moments before. When he entered the car I shot him a questioning look. “What?”

“What did you forget?” I asked, pulling my seatbelt across my body and fastening it.

“Oh, nothing, realised I actually did have it already.” Harry said, his lips quivering slightly. In the last four years I now knew this to be a tell-tale sign that he was trying his utmost to keep the smirk that was fighting its way onto his face at bay. Of course I wanted to dig deeper, get a truthful answer from him, but I knew we were already running out of time to get to the airport on time for his flight. 

“Okay... you weirdo.” I giggled, starting the car and backing out of the driveway.

                                               ---------------------

The lump in my throat was growing every second I watched the five boys (well all young men now) checking off their things with the tour manager. 

“Alright, I think we’ve got everything. Let’s hit the road, again!” He spoke, quietly chuckling to himself as he put his clipboard away after a final chat with Zayn. 

“It’s actually on the road again.” Louis sarcastically remarked, pulling his rucksack onto his shoulders before hugging his sister Lottie. Harry and I exchanged a look and laugh before he approached me, pulling me into a hug.

“I’ll call you everyday.” He repeated the words from last night into my hair as he squeezed me as hard as he could without hurting me. 

“I love you so, so, so, so, so much!” I spoke, head nestled into his neck. 

“I love you more, angel. I’ll see you soon, yeah? Keep my side of the bed warm for me.” He pulled away, eyes momentarily scanning over my face, noting the well of tears in my eyes I was refusing to release in front of him. His lips pressed to mine, and even though it was but a few seconds, the kiss we shared held so much passion and love I felt my heart race. Pulling away, we looked at each other once more before he dropped his arms from my body and retrieved his bags. “Bye, love.” Despite the wink he shot in my direction, I couldn’t help detecting the slight break in his voice now.

“Bye, baby.” 

Before I knew it, the whole tour party of was gone and out of sight, just leaving us loved ones that had come to wave them goodbye. 

“God, I still can’t believe it, every time they go.” Louis’ mum piped up, receiving a hum of agreement from the rest of us. “So proud of them.”

“Yes, so, so proud.” Liam’s mum replied.

                                               ---------------------

The silence that greeted me as I unlocked the door was no where near as comforting as the silence Harry and I shared the night previously. This silence was almost eerie, confirming that, yes, I was alone once more. I sniffled back the tears that I had finally allowed myself to shed in the car on the way home, wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeve. 

Slowly, I made my way up stairs, pushing open the door to our bedroom. It seemed far less chaotic than it had been for the last couple of weeks now that it was relieved of Harry’s many bags. I missed the mess now; it had told me that he was still here. Without turning on the light, I trudged to the bed, flinging myself onto the duvet, laying like a starfish on the covers as I let out an exaggerated huff slash groan. I glanced up in the direction a small rattling noise came from. On the pillow was an object I couldn’t quite make out in the dim light of the room; it certainly hadn’t been there earlier when I left the room to take Harry to the airport. Maybe this was what he was being so secretive about then. Pulling myself up, I flicked on the lamp beside the bed, discovering a CD with a sticky note attached.

‘For when you miss me and may forget how much I love you, here are all the songs that remind me of you (I’d know, seeing as I wrote them about you ;))

All my love, H xxxxx’

Another wave of tears hit me as I stared at his scrawl across the pink paper. How could I miss him so much already? Shooting up from the bed, I clambered out of the room and into the office where the computer was. I dropped into the chair, fiddling with the CD before slotting it into the machine. My heart seemed to skip with anticipation, my eyes darting all over the screen as I waited for it to load. Finally the songs came onto the screen; I was surprised to see how many of them there were, but I couldn’t help the grin on my face at the first four.

                                              ---------------------

Stole My Heart

Under the lights tonight, you turned around And you stole my heart, with just one look When I saw your face, I fell in love Took a minute girl, to steal my heart tonight With just one look, yeah Been waiting for a girl like you

Harry’s PoV

“So remind me how you know this guy again?” I questioned, leaning forward to push my head between the driver’s and front passenger’s seat. Louis huffed out a breath, shaking his head in annoyance. 

“He’s just a friend, mate. Does it really matter how I know him? It’s free alcohol. You should be bloody grateful seeing as you’re fresh out of the womb.” Niall snorted at Louis’ reply, earning a punch to the leg from me. 

“No need to be snarky.” I muttered, watching as the car pulled up to a large house that already looked like it was breaking at the seams with too many people. 

“He’s just butthurt that he and Caroline broke up. Mate, you were punching. It was gonna end at some point!” Zayn chimed in. The five of us hopped out the car, making our way up the steps and into the house. 

“Best behaviour, everyone, Simon said we could do some good networking here. There might be some people here we could need.” Liam said, the four of us completely ignoring him as we pushed through the crowd. Almost immediately we lost Niall - no doubt already in search of some alcoholic beverage. I decided not to join him, knowing full well that Zayn was right. I’d never tell him that though! I was definitely feeling a little low after the short rendezvous with Caroline Flack came to a somewhat abrupt end, and if I went straight to the drink like Niall, it was probably not going to be pretty. Instead, I followed Zayn who was talking to a group of three that he already seemed to know. 

After nearly half an hour though, the conversation was getting a little boring, and I was certainly struggling to keep up the façade of interest. I cleared my throat, gaining the attention of my peers. “Um, sorry, just gonna excuse myself, gonna get a drink.” I muttered.

“I’ll follow, be right back.” Zayn agreed, quickly following me. “Oh my god, did you hear them? How on earth can someone complain about not having enough rooms in a 7 room house for like twenty minutes?” He questioned, a laugh escaping his lips as we were out of earshot of the trio.

“I mean, if you fill half of them with your weed plantation it’s definitely going to affect the potential of the others, isn’t it?” I joked. “Now where the hell is kitchen?”

“I think,” Zayn spoke half the sentence, nodding his head in the direction in front of us. Together we continued pushing through the crowd of people that somehow seemed to have multiplied even in the short amount of time since our arrival. “Please don’t start growing a weed plantation in your house, Harold.” Zayn teased, finally entering the kitchen. “Ah the others are here.”

“Lads!” I heard Louis shout as we appeared. I didn’t answer Zayn’s joke because, leaning against the fridge was a girl. God Harry, that is not just ‘a girl’. I’d never seen anything that could even come close to her beauty. Just looking at her face I could feel my heart rate increase tenfold. Her brown hair was slightly waved, pushed back over one shoulder, accentuating her high cheekbones. She wasn’t wearing anything that was particularly noteworthy, but she made the simple outfit look like it was being modelled for the runway. Suddenly I noticed that I had yet to speak; that in fact, no one had said anything because Zayn had become a little shy with the presence of this stranger. I tried to adopt the most upbeat, unfazed tone.

“Hi!” As Liam introduced us I felt myself move forward towards her. I stuck out my hand. What the fuck am I doing? Who shakes hands at 17 - especially when they’ve just met the most beautiful woman in the entire universe?! Her hand slowly slid into mine; the softest, most delicate hands I’d ever felt - and that’s including my own mother who it seemed applied Cath Kidston hand moisturiser every waking moment. I thought quickly, moving down and placing a gentle kiss to the back of her hand. “Lovely to meet you, Y/N.” I smiled, making eye contact for the first time. 

Wow.

Never in my life have someone’s eyes felt like they were looking straight into my soul. Her cheeks flushed a pink shade, causing mine to match.

“And you, Harry.” She returned, maintaining the eye contact. 

Shit, Harry, this is deep. You can’t fall in love this quickly, can you?

When I got home that night, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. She clouded every thought, her touch still seeming to cause flames to run over my skin. As I sat on my bed, I grabbed the scrap of paper that was beside the bed from a piece of junk mail I’d opened this morning. Rummaging around I found a half blunt pencil, scribbling less than ten words onto the crumbled paper: 

When I saw your face, I fell in love.

                                              ---------------------

They Don’t Know About Us

They don’t know about the things we do They don’t know about the I love you’s But I bet you if they only knew They would just be jealous of us They don’t know about the up all nights They don’t know I've waited all my life Just to find a love that feels this right Baby they don’t know about, they don’t know about us

It must have been my continuous sniffles that prevented me from hearing that the front door had opened and closed, allowing Harry back into the apartment. My arms encircled my shins, pulling my legs up close to my chest as I sat on the little bench by the window in our bedroom. 

Things had just gotten too much as of late. With three new projects of mine coming out this year, with Harry working what felt like around the clock with the guys in the studio to produce another album, the press seemed to think it was their role to shit over everything. At every opportunity media outlets took it upon themselves to dig their way into our private lives we tried so hard to keep just that: private. 

“Baby, what are you doing up here? I thought you had an interview on the phone at 6? Why are you in the dark?” All of Harry’s questions felt like a tonne of bricks, causing more tears to well up in my eyes, and eventually cascade down my cheeks. “Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong? What are the tears for?” Not a second later he was by my side, kneeling down beside the bench, hands pulling on mine gently.

“I’ve had enough.” I cried, allowing him to pull my body around so he was kneeling now between my legs.

“Enough of what, my love?” His voice was soft, gentle, matching the feel of his caresses over my hands.

“I know we’re not s-s-supposed to r-read about ourselves in the n-news, but-” My hiccups became too much, completely cutting me off.

“Shhh, lovie, take a breath, yeah? Calm down, it’s okay. I’m here now.” The look in his eyes broke my heart; his pupils were swimming with concern and anxiety at finding me in this state.

“They were talking about how you’re really close with all of these women, like Cara and Caroline and all of that... And you know that picture that paps took of me like three weeks ago and I was crying because of something stupid on the phone outside of the set?” Harry nodded in confirmation, not wanting to cut me off in my flow. “Well according to them that was me crying about you cheating on me with all of these girls and how I felt trapped in this relationship and all that. They said I was calling someone to find another place to live for a bit or something. I know it sounds stupid, Harry, trust me, I know; because I know you’d never cheat on me, and I know they’re just you’re friends, but at the same time, this constant bombardment from the press is just so tiring! I just want to go outside and not be followed.” By this point I’d slowly sunk to the floor, tears continuing to flow freely from my eyes; but he was there to hold me. My head rested on his shoulder, nose pressed into his skin whilst his hands ran soothingly up and down my back.

“I know it’s hard, baby.” Harry spoke softly, his breath washing over the side of my face. “But it’s our life, yeah? We’ve just gotta live it the best way that we can and fuck them and what they think. They’ve got no idea what goes on behind closed doors; they have no idea how much we love each other; they’ve not got a clue what stupid stuff we talk about in the middle of the night when we can’t sleep. But trust me, I’ve waited too long for this to let them come between them. You’re the love of my life.” My heart fluttered at the end of his mini rant, a small smile playing on my lips.

“Really?” I croaked, lifting my head enough to catch his gaze. The previous expression that had evoked such sadness within me was now replaced by one that filled me with delight; he looked so in love, his eyes were shining in the darkness of the room, his lips only inches from mine.

“Yeah, of course. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, baby. What we have... just feels... right. You know?” I nodded in agreement, leaning forward to press a kiss to his lips.

“I’m so in love with you, Harry.” I muttered.

“And I’m so in love with you.” He finished his declaration with my name.

The rest of the evening was quiet, peaceful; he sat beside me as I lay in the bath, his fingers intertwined with mine. It didn’t feel weird at all to be lying in front of him completely naked, he knew everything about me; every curve and bump of my body, every thought in my mind; everything.

“Wanna know something funny?” Harry asked gently. I nodded, swirling my free hand in the cooling water. “I was trying to write a song for you... well about you, all day and I was struggling so much,” He chuckled, looking down at our hands. “The boys were starting to take the piss, saying I wasn’t a real songwriter because I literally sat there for hours and didn’t write a single word. But in the fifteen minutes we’ve been here, I think I’ve got something.”

“Can I hear it?” I asked hopefully, sitting up a bit to lean my head on the side of the tub, mirroring the positioning of his. 

“Yeah,” He cleared his throat a little, shaking his head as if he were about to belt it out, but in what must have been the softest I’d ever heard his voice he smoothly sung: 

They don’t know I've waited all my life Just to find a love that feels this right Baby they don’t know about, they don’t know about us

                                              ---------------------

Strong

Think of how much love that's been wasted People always trying to escape it Move on to stop their heart breaking But there's nothing I'm running from You make me strong

“What are you even talking about, Harry?” My voice was hoarse, not from shouting (because that was something I refused to do), but from the hours and hours we’d been going at each other in this fight. “You’re taking this way out of context and trying to put words into my mouth!” Exasperation and frustration were clear in my words as my hands sat on my hips, sending Harry a slight glare as he stood on the other side of the living room.

“I don’t think I am, love,” The pet name in this context seemed a little sarcastic as his voice was definitely louder than usual, but not yet shouting. I think he’d exhausted himself an hour or so ago. “I think I’ve hit the nail bang on the head.”

“All I said was that I would appreciate more time with you; that’s all! What I didn’t say is that I don’t think you should be going out with your friends and reducing the amount of time you spend on tour.”

“That’s not something I can do, Y/N! I’m not in control of that! I can’t just go to management and say ‘oh yeah, my missus has got the hump, can we just cut out some of those dates?’“

“Harry, please!” Now that he was starting to get away with himself, clearly becoming more and more angry by the minute, I needed to clear the air. “That’s not something I’m asking from you.” I repeated, my voice cool, calm and collected. “I’m just asking you to consider spending some more of the time you have in England at home. You’ve been out nearly every night the last two weeks with various people-”

“I’ve always invited you to come too!”

“Harry please don’t interrupt me.” I begged.

“You’re being unreasonable.” It was clear to me now that he was definitely not prepared for an adult conversation, so I decided it was a good time for me to go upstairs and give him time to cool down. 

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this, I’m gonna leave you.” Before I’d even made it four metres to the stairs, Harry’s hand had grabbed my arm; I was about to say something about man-handling me when I caught his expression. 

He looked broken, eyes filled with fear as his lips were parted. “Please don’t leave me.” His voice had absolutely no hint of anger anymore, just pure terror. 

“Leave you? No, Harry, I meant leave you alone to calm down. I was just... going upstairs.” I trailed off, eyeing him in confusion. His hand let go of me, both palms cradling his temples. 

“Fuck,” He breathed. 

“Why would you think I’d leave you?” I asked, stepping closer to him as he started pacing around the room. When I received no answer I called out his name.

“That’s just how it happened to my parents.” His voice was so quiet I almost missed it. My heart sunk.

“Hey,” I walked over to him, allowing my arms to go around him as I rested my head against his chest. I could hear his heart thumping against his ribcage frantically. “That’s not what’s going on here.” I explained. “It’s just a little fight, yeah? Nothing we can’t come through.” His arms were tightly holding me against him, his cheek against the top of my head. 

“I just thought you’d leave before something happened.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno, just to leave before I broke your heart or something.” He muttered, sounding almost like he was too scared to even say it. 

“No, Harry. No.” I shook my head, tightening my arms around him. “I love you so much, too much almost.” I let out a little laugh. “I wouldn’t do that to either of us.”

“Would be a waste.” 

“Yes, a waste.” I agreed, looking up at him. “I’m not running away from this... from us. I never want to do that.” I reassured. 

Hours had past; apologies had been exchanged, promises made and kisses traded. I walked out of the kitchen, holding two glasses of wine to find him hunched over the journal I’d brought him for Christmas last year. 

“What you writing, superstar?” I teased, sinking into the sofa beside him. Without words, he tilted the pages for me to look at his writing:

But there's nothing I'm running from You make me strong

                                             ---------------------

Night Changes

We're only getting older, baby And I've been thinking about it lately Does it ever drive you crazy Just how fast the night changes? Everything that you've ever dreamed of Disappearing when you wake up But there's nothing to be afraid of Even when the night changes, it will never change me and you

The night had been absolutely beautiful. Harry had arranged to take me out to a fancy restaurant for our fourth anniversary, wining and dining me like he was trying to make a good first impression on an initial date. 

We walked the short distance from the restaurant back to our home, fingers laced together, the warmth in our bodies from the, perhaps too much, alcohol we’d had with dinner. 

“Thank you for tonight, lovie.” I smiled up at him, his features somewhat shadowed by the darkness, but subtly illuminated by the various street lamps. 

“It was my pleasure, baby. Thank you for the best four years of my entire life.” My skin flushed before I leaned up to press a soft kiss to his cheek.

 “How is it that you can still make me blush and feel all gooey inside after all this time?” I wondered aloud. Harry shrugged, a smirk on his lips as he turned into our driveway. 

“Just a god really, aren’t I?” He shot me a wink, letting go of my hand to unlock the door. I laughed, shaking my head at him. 

“I can tell you one thing that’s never changed.” He raised his eyebrows at me in question, holding his arm up to keep the door open. 

“After you,” He muttered, watching as I ducked under his arm and into the house. 

“You’re still a cocky bastard.” 

“I can assure you, madam, my parents were married.” I spun around, looking at him before we both burst into a fit of giggles. 

“Stop it! You’re still 17 I swear!” I chortled, kicking my heels off by the door (a problem for me to sort tomorrow). 

“Yeah, but you love it though, don’t you, sweetheart?” His lips were centimetres from my ear, hand squeezing my bum playfully. 

“You’re such a flirt.” I countered, a wide grin on my face. 

“Just for you.” He winked again, taking off his jacket and hanging it up before mirroring my actions with his own shoes. 

“You know what else is for you?” I asked, attempting to adorn my best sultry tone. 

“Hmm?” He hummed in return, eyes flickering over my body. 

“All of this.” I muttered, gesturing to my body. “These,” I continued, my index finger playfully stroking down my breasts. Suddenly Harry was advancing on me; but I was faster. I let out a small shriek, spinning around and running up the stairs. 

“Hey! Come back, you pest!” Harry shouted after me. I could hear his footsteps chasing after me. “You’re gonna pay for that!”

“Thank you again.” I muttered, lips slowly trailing over his naked torso, the sheets pulled up under my armpits to cover my own bare skin. 

“I’d do anything for you.” He smiled, watching as my lips made their way from his pectorals, up his sternum, to his neck and eventually to his lips. 

“You’re the love of my life.” I replied, laying my head against his skin after our kiss. We lay there in silence for a few minutes, just soaking in each other before I heard him softly humming a tune I’d not heard before.

“What’s that?” I asked curiously, propping myself up on my elbow.

“Just thought of it.” He replied, turning his head to look at me. “I wrote some lyrics the other day, and I think they’d go with that.” I looked at him in a way to encourage him to go on. He playfully rolled his eyes at me before clearing his throat, gently singing the words to the tune he’d just been humming:

But there's nothing to be afraid of Even when the night changes, it will never change me and you

[hieludoboi]

A List of Things I’d Like to do With You (Pt 5/9)

A/n- Sorry this took forever and a half to write! I was experiencing some sort of writer’s block but I’ve seemed to get over that now!

A/n- I also wanted to add that there are implication of Daichi and the reader having sex, there’s a steamy scene or two but no full blown sex! In the anime Daichi is eighteen, so he’s not a minor! The reader is also eighteen! I hope y’all won’t get too upset! 

Summary- There’s first times for everything, right?

Pairing- Daichi/Female! Reader

Word Count- 5k+

Trigger Warnings- Sad, cemetery scenes, maybe some swearing, jealous reader, a little nsfw, nothing too explicit

Links- Part 1, 2, 3, 4 

Masterlist

----------------------------------------------------------

Daichi was exhausted. With nationals inching nearer every day, his free time became less and less. It seemed like he lived at the gym, the hardwood floors becoming his bed, and the net becoming his blanket. It had been almost two weeks since he had last gone to visit Y/n. He was certain that the old couple at the flower shop was wondering where he had gone.

It was cool when he finally left the gym, the other boys staying behind to either put in extra practice or hangout. Daichi felt bad, leaving the boys while they put in more work, but it had been so long, and her grave was most likely barren by now. Daichi hated that. He hated that people who barely knew her mourned and grieved her loss like they were friends, hated that they used her name in vain, hated that they would claim they knew her to get sympathy from those who didn’t. He despised the way her grave was brimming with chrysanthemums for the first month. One whole month, and then it was as if she simply stopped existing, her name lost to the ever-changing clouds and winds of life. Daichi had concluded that he hated death.

He had decided on a pretty bouquet of yellow roses. Did they have meaning? No, they were simply beautiful. Just like life, Daichi thought to himself, burrowing deeper into his thick coat and scarf. It was cold, way too cold to be out, probably, but it had been so long since he had gone to visit. A few moments in the biting cold couldn’t hurt him that much, right?

“You’re gonna get a cold, Daich,” Daichi could feel his body stiffen, the voice barely a whisper along the shell of his ear. Stiffly, he turned around. His eyes were watering, ready to spill over with tears, but he couldn’t tell if it was because of the wind and falling snow, or because of her voice. He swore he had heard her, her voice soft yet clear as crystals. For a moment, he was convinced that he saw her standing in the snow, a playful grin on her lips. Daichi’s hand reached out a moment too late, her body dispersing with the swirling wind and snow before he could reach her. For the second time, he was too late.

“Are you okay?” Daichi turned around, surprised to see Kiyoko standing at the foot of Y/n’s grave. Daichi felt like ice and lightning were clinging to his body, shocking him frigid and stiff. Surely it was just his imagination, right?

“Oh- yeah, just a little cold. It’s nice to see you,” Daichi said, walking over to stand beside her. Kiyoko offered him a subtle smile before crouching to place her bouquet atop the snowy ground.

“I’m sorry.” Kiyoko murmured, straightening up and closing her eyes to hide the pain that welled in pools. Daichi’s eyes widened, shaking his head vigorously. It’s not like Y/n’s death was Kiyoko’s fault, so why was she apologizing? “I knew…” Kiyoko whispered, slowly but surely losing her composure. Daichi felt his breath catch in his throat, his heart dropping to his stomach. Did she know? “I knew, I knew, and I said nothing. She didn’t want me to. It felt wrong, and- and I thought you should know but-” Kiyoko covered her mouth with her hand, her teeth sinking into the flesh of her palm, but the muffled sob still slipped through the corners. Daichi stood frozen to the ground. The only thing he could see was the swirling white of the snow. Through the patches and swirls of wind, he felt like he could form a figure, slowly walking towards Kiyoko and holding her in its arms. He closed his eyes, harshly rubbing his palms against his eyes. She was dead. There were no figures, no ghosts, nothing. It was just his mind playing tricks on him. That’s all it was.

“I should have told you, I should have said something, but you were so happy, and her smile was the biggest it had been since July-”

“You wanted her to be happy, you wanted to make sure she was smiling before she couldn’t smile anymore,” Daichi interrupted, his words being slowly dragged from his lips and into the winding winds of winter. Kiyoko took a shaky breath, nodding and wiping the tears that slipped from the corners of her eyes. “Thank you. It must have been difficult, so thank you, Kiyoko,” Daichi looked up at Kiyoko, offering her a smile.

———————————————

Y/n could feel the way her nose scrunched, her lip curling in disgust. Kiyoko, who stood beside her with a broom in her hands, giggled.

“Sawamura-kun! Sawamura-kun! You’re so handsome! Sawamura-Kun, I play wing spiker too! Ugh, disgusting.” Y/n practically snarled, gripping the broom tightly in her hands. “I mean, really, I’m right here, I’m not dead yet! They could have some decency!” Y/n huffed, muttering to herself as she aggressively swept the gym floors.

“Don’t joke like that, please,” Kiyoko murmured, stopping in her tracks to stare at the dirty wood floor. Y/n stopped, looking up from her broom to apologize to Kiyoko. It had been a hard week. Y/n had spent most of her nights curled in bed, her body shaking and her chest caving in. She was getting weaker, and waking up in the middle of the night to throw up was becoming more and more difficult. Her worst night was by far Wednesday night. She had woken up with brittle, twig legs, her head feeling hollow, her heartbeat just barely there. She could feel nausea swirling in the back of her throat, the metallic taste of blood manifesting on her tongue, coating it to prepare her for her routine. She had thrown up before she could get out of bed, falling asleep in her own sick and blood before she could call for help. In the morning she had been cleaned up, and her mother had kept a bin at the bedside. Y/n felt like a senile old woman, lost in her own home, helpless and scared.

“They look ridiculous though, don’t they? Squeezing their knees together and making those stupid pouts and faces,” Y/n pointed out, snickering along with Kiyoko at a particular girl who was overdoing it with the whine in her voice. Y/n sighed, turning her head to focus on her sweeping. It was ridiculous, really. The school couldn't care less about the volleyball team, but now that they win their games the entire female population wants to show up at the gym doors and swoon over the team?

Y/n chewed on the inside of her cheek, eyes zoned in on the second year who was standing in front of Daichi. She was tiny, no taller than maybe 155 centimeters, with curly black hair and vibrant yellow eyes. Was she gorgeous? Absolutely, Y/n couldn’t deny it, but she was also stupidly smart. Smart, gorgeous, well mannered, and level-headed? She hated to admit it, but a pit of tar felt like it was forming at the bottom of her stomach. Hina, that was her name, and she was everything that Y/n was not.

—————————

Daichi hummed as they walked to Ukai’s convenience store. It was a tradition at this point, heading to a convenience store after they got done with class to pick up a snack or a light meal before a study date.

“So, what’s today’s escapade?” Daichi asked as they walked out of the shop. Y/n scowled, not paying any mind to Daichi.

“Didn’t Hina ask you on a study date? Tiny, smart, y’know, curly hair? She was all over you and you can’t even remember?” Y/n practically hissed, crossing her arms over her chest. Maybe she was being ridiculous, a little insecure, and a bit silly, but Hina was a smart girl. She was kind, calm, and rational. Someone who held herself with a certain air of elegant confidence. She thought before she spoke and was simply everything that Y/n was not. Surely Daichi would leave her for someone who was more put together, someone who wasn’t fraying at her seams, right? Someone who would stick around for longer than a few months.

“Is that what this is about? You’re ridiculous,” Daichi scoffed, shaking his head and massaging his temples. Y/n stiffened, her eyes focused on her shoes. She was being ridiculous, and any rationality in herself lately seemed to be thrown out the window.

“So what if it is!? God, I can’t believe you let her grab you and flirt with you and hug you!” Y/n yelled, feeling the heat of anger storm her body. Whether she was angry at Daichi or herself, she didn’t know. She was running out of time. Soon enough, Daichi would start his life, and probably get married to Hina while her corpse sat in the dirt, rotting away inside a casket she, unfortunately, would have to pick.

She watched as Daichi closed his eyes, letting a frustrated sigh leave his lips. She was being ridiculous, and it didn’t matter that she knew she was being difficult. She had stood up and started this argument, and she’d be damned if she backed down by just a sigh and a frustrated look.

“I’m going home,” Y/n grumbled, glaring at the ground as she walked.

“Well, you’re shit out of luck, we have the same route and we’re next-door neighbors,” Daichi huffed, shoving his hands into his pockets. They walked in silence, neither of them uttering a word. It was tense, awkward, and clunky. Daichi would have usually solved the argument by now, reeling her in with gentle and reassuring words. He knew that few people could get along with her, and knew that she hated the way she was, but something had been off. She wasn’t telling him something, and it hurt. Since when did they keep secrets from one another?

Daichi said nothing as they split, each one of them slamming the doors of their homes. Daichi sighed as soon as he closed the door, groaning as he rubbed his hands over his face. Did he really have a study date with Hina? Surely he would have remembered if he did, right? The girls had practically swarmed the third years, buzzing with the excitement of a strong season. It had been a while since Karasuno had this good of a team, and the energy of their new first years seemed to rub off on their peers.

Daichi was trapped in his thoughts, his mind buzzing. They had an escapade today, so why did he promise Hina a study date? He had been standing in the living room for fifteen minutes, oblivious to the knocking that had started on the door, until a loud knock hooked him into reality. He took a deep breath, plastering a polite smile on his face before opening the door, only to see Hina. So he had promised her a study date. Great, Daichi thought to himself, mentally smacking his hand to his forehead.

“Hey!” Hina practically chirped, making her way into Daichi’s home. Daichi offered her a smile he hoped wasn’t too fake. He felt awful. These little escapades were something important to Y/n, and they always brought such a lovely smile to her face. Something had been bugging her for a while, Daichi could tell she was constantly in thought, her lips chapped and raw from how much she would chew on them. He also suspected that she had been a little sick for some time. A sickly yellow undertone clung onto her s/c skin, her face seemed to get thinner each week, and she was constantly getting exhausted. Daichi hoped she was taking care of herself.

“God, he’s so stupid!” Y/n complained to Suga as she laid on her bed, her phone resting on her chest while on speaker. Suga laughed from the other end of the line, a light, and clear sound. “Or maybe I’m just insecure,” Y/n huffed, shoving her head further back into her pillows.

“Yes, and yes. He shouldn’t have said yes to Hina, he had a commitment to you for today. However, you also know that it’s hard for Daichi to say no sometimes. For as scary as he tries to be, he’s really just a sweet old man,” Suga pointed out. Y/n giggled, folding her hands atop her stomach. “Don’t stress, okay? You’re practically his soulmate, and he talks about you non-stop. I mean, he always has, but it’s so much worst now!” Suga whined. Y/n could practically see the way Suga’s hands moved to prove and stress his point. They would be okay.

——————————————

Daichi was trying, lord was he trying. Hina was a super sweet girl, but god was she boring! Looking back at it, there was really no reason for him to accept a study date from a second year. They didn’t have any classes together, and this was most likely just her trying to ask him out.

“Sawamura-Senpai?” Hina asked softly, amber eyes round and innocent. Her voice was soft, barely grazing his eardrums. She was cute, but so. Utterly. Boring.

“Oh! Well, would you look at the time! I need to start dinner before my mom gets home! It was nice having you over. Hope you pass that test!” Daichi’s words were rushed as he helped scoop notebooks and pens into her bookbag, not paying any attention to the pout on her face. Before she had the chance to speak or comment about how his mom was already making dinner, he was ushering her outside. If her mother’s car hadn’t already been waiting for her, he would have felt bad shoving her outside.

“Now that that’s out of the way…” Daichi mumbled to himself before walking into his bedroom. He felt bad, honestly, he did. Y/n probably had a whole elaborate plan set up, and he had blown it off without realizing it. He hoped that some snacks and games could help ease the situation.

——————

Y/n sighed as she stepped out of the shower, plopping down onto her bed and sitting there for a moment. She felt refreshed and calm. The giant frog sat in the middle of the bed, it’s fake and beady eyes focusing on her back. She sighed as she pushed herself up and off of the soft bed, turning to stare at her back in the mirror. She was shedding weight faster than the family dog would shed hair in the winter, and she could see it clearly on her skin. Y/n’s eyes focused on the juts and indentations of her back, s/c skin seeming like a tightly bound cloth on a canvas. She wasn’t the skinniest person; she knew that, and maybe she was the only one who could see all the rigid lines.

Humming to herself, she walked to her closet. As she rummaged through her clothes, she couldn’t help but think about what her funeral would be like. Would they dress her in all black? Or maybe they would dredge her body in sunshine yellows, with rays of orange and petals of red? Would her face be dusted pink and pretty? Or would it be left bare as to how her family knew her? Would people she never knew attend? Would they cry in pain? Wallow in self-pity? Would they celebrate her life or mourn her loss? Would Daichi be alright? Grabbing an oversized beige sweater, she pulled it over her head, gliding across her sunflower rug to her drawers to quickly pull on some shorts and fuzzy socks. She wouldn’t be going out today, so there was no need to be picky. It wasn’t until she was dressed that she turned to her desk to pick up the box of orange fairy light her parents had bought for her that week. Halloween was her favorite time of the year, and the light orange bulbs gave a spooky pop above her head and on her white bedroom walls.

“Pretty snazzy, huh froggy?” Y/n turned to ask the frog, her hand on her hips, and a grin on her face

“Very.” Y/n looked up, eyes wide at the sudden intrusion of Daichi’s voice. What was he doing in her room?

“Weren’t you on a date?” Y/n sneered, plopping onto her bed, her arms crossed over her chest, her lips pulled into an angry frown. Daichi’s left hand was hidden behind his back, his brown eyes apologetic, lips pulled into a worried frown. He didn’t know how he got roped into a study date with a second year, but he had.

“Onigiri?” Daichi murmured, bringing his left hand out into view, a plastic bag with snacks, candies, drinks, and Onigiri in his hand. Huffing, Y/n turned away from Daichi and clambered onto her bed, taking the plushie in her arms and leaving space for Daichi on the bed. He grinned, setting the bag on the nightstand next to her desk before letting himself fall back first onto the mattress. Y/n let herself sink further into the bed before tossing the frog onto the ground, turning onto her side, and pulling her phone from underneath her pillow. She loved being in Daichi’s company, but she couldn’t be bothered right now. If he wanted someone to pay him attention, he could go off and search for Hina for all she cared. Daichi rolled his eyes, rolling onto his side and wrapping his arms around her body. Y/n grunted, trying to shrug his arms off of her but to no avail. Eventually, she settled into his arms, tangling her legs with his while she mindlessly scrolled through TikTok.

“How about we catch up on some homework?” Daichi suggested, pulling away from her warm body and sitting up on the queen-sized bed. Y/n’s eyes flickered from her phone to Daichi’s face, catching a glimpse of the tender look in his honey brown eyes

“I’m all caught up, how about I set up the switch and I can wreck you at Mario Kart?” There was a teasing grin on her face as she sat up, stretching her arms over her head. Daichi watched as she lowered her arms, the too-big sweater draping down her left shoulder. His hand reached out before he could stop it, calloused fingertips brushing against soft skin, lingering a bit too long before pulling up the sweater. He could hear the way her breath caught in her throat, feel the way her body shivered at the contact. Daichi looked up, his gaze locking with her’s for a minute too long before Y/n abruptly pulled away, busying herself on setting up the console. Daichi let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and busied himself with setting up their buffet of snacks on her desk. It would be a long night.

——————

Y/n grunted as she plopped herself onto her bed, her body facing the screen in front of them. Daichi was sitting behind her, slouching against the headboard, his legs splayed on the bed. The lights were off and the orange lights cast a warm glow over their heads

“See something you like?” Daichi asked, wiggling his eyebrows an excess amount. Y/n rolled her eyes, turning away from Daichi while he laughed from behind her.

“You wish!” Y/n turned back around, sticking her tongue out at Daichi. Daichi mock gasped, clutching a hand to his chest before feigning hurt. “Big baby,” Y/n teased, reaching forward to flick Daichi’s forehead. Daichi looked up, catching her wrist before she could get any closer. Y/n pouted, ready to pull away and press start, but Daichi pulled her in, their noses touching, shallow breaths fanning each other’s lips. Y/n could feel the soft gasp escape her throat, her pupils devouring the e/c of her irises. They stared at one another for what felt like years before Daichi brought up a hand to lightly flick her nose. Y/n flinched, huffing before glaring up at Daichi who was glaring holes into his lap, a furious blush on his face.

—————————

“I knew I’d win!” Y/n declared, standing in front of the television with her hands on her hips. Daichi chuckled, tossing his controller on the nightstand next to him.

“Why don’t you come say it to my face?” Daichi teased, sitting up from his slouched position and giving Y/n a challenging grin. Y/n let her hands fall from her hips, climbing onto the bed and crawling onto Daichi’s lap so she was straddling him.

“I. Win.” Y/n’s voice was barely above a whisper, her face only centimeters from Daichi’s face. He watched as she lowered her body, settling her entire weight on his lap, her hands coming to rest on his chest. He could feel the blush spreading across his face and feel the heat radiating from her body. Daichi felt the breath catch in his chest, a subtle warmth spreading across his body. He didn’t allow himself to think anymore, he let his body move on its own. And suddenly, his lips were crashing against hers, his hands wandering over her hips, squeezing them softly, groping what he could.

Y/n’s breaths were ragged, quick puffs of air escaping her lips between their kisses. Her hands were shaking, nervous, and cold as she cupped Daichi’s face, her thumbs and fingers finding purchase on smooth skin. At that moment, all that there was in the universe was them. Just her and Daichi locked away in her little bedroom of orange glow and silk covers. She thanked whatever deity above that her parents had gone to visit her aunt today.

They stayed like that for a moment, groping each other, memorizing each other’s mouths and bodies, their fingers dancing in and around curves and dips. And then Daichi’s hands were slipping under her sweater, freezing her skin and prickling her senses. Y/n gasped, pulling away from the kiss, her hands bracing against Daichi’s chest. She looked beneath her, letting herself become enveloped in sticky honey eyes. He was staring at her with such a soft look, his hands coming out from beneath her sweater to cup her face, rubbing the soft skin of her cheeks.

“Hey, we don’t have to do anything, you know that right? I’m sorry for assuming, you kissed back, and I thought- I’m sorry, I should’ve ask-” Daichi blinked in surprise, not registering that her lips were trailing soft kisses along his jaw until she was nibbling at his Adam’s apple.

“It’s okay. I want this, please. I know that you’ll stop the moment I ask. I trust you Daichi, so much.” Y/n mumbled, bringing her head up to gaze into his intoxicating eyes. Daichi nodded, eyes wide and chest warm. He trusted her, and she trusted him.

Without waiting another moment, he leaned forward, capturing her lips in another burning kiss, his hands trailing underneath the sweater to rub her sides, taking pleasure in the way her body shivered at his touch. Leaning his head to the side, he let her lips wander, leaving little nips and kisses on any skin that was left blank, as if it were a canvas for only her to paint.

“Thank you for trusting me,” Daichi mumbled. Y/n sat up, letting him pull the sweater off her body, and gasped as he quickly sat up. Y/n watched as he pulled the shirt off of his chest, admiring the muscles along his body before Daichi dipped down, letting his lips trail from her neck down to her shoulders.

“I’ll always trust you,”

——————————

Daichi smiled, watching as Y/n gently rested her head on his chest, her face warm and eyes lidded. Both of their bodies were sticky with sweat, glistening beneath little orange lights, but it was okay. Daichi wrapped an arm around her body, his fingers lightly massaging her hip. He watched as Y/n’s body twitched at the touch, her eyebrows furrowing as she swatted his hand away. It wasn’t his first time, but he could tell by the way that her thighs quivered beneath his fingertips, that it was her first time.

He remembered when they were second years, how she had said something about wanting to wait for the right person. Was he that person? Had she been waiting for him? It made Daichi feel guilty. He had been in love with her since middle school, and his feelings only seemed to grow in high school. He had busied himself with different girls, a few of them hanging around long enough to become a past girlfriend and body. God, he felt like such a whore.

“Why’re you making that face?” Daichi blinked, eyes flitting back to Y/n’s face. The corners of her eyes crinkled a little, her lips turned up into a soft smile.

“No reason,” Daichi murmured. Y/n hummed, letting her head fall back onto his warm chest. While Daichi began to fall asleep, Y/n let her mind wander. She began to wonder what life could be like if only she had more time. Ignoring the building ache in her stomach, she instead curled further into Daichi’s side, letting herself be rocked to sleep with Daichi’s heartbeat and soft breaths.

—————————————

It was fairly dark out. Clouds of gray shrouded the sky as people crowded under a small green tarp. Y/n watched as they cried, gripping onto one another like they too would be consumed by earth and grass if they let go. She looked to her left and saw Daichi standing a little ways away from the casket, his hands shoved into his pockets while tears dripped down his face. A crash of thunder sparked the ground, and it seemed as if people’s cries grew louder. Shaking her head, Y/n began walking towards Daichi, ready to ask people to move, but she seemed to float right through them. She flinched, bringing her fists up to her chest, only to see wispy clouds of white.

“I’m a ghost?” Y/n shook her head, reminding herself that this couldn’t be anything more than a dream. And so she continued forward, walking- no, floating towards Daichi who stood apart from the crowd of crying strangers. His eyes were cold, no longer pools of honey but now pits of pinecones, dull and maybe even pointed. Who was he mad at? Who’s funeral was this? Surely, it couldn’t be hers, right? Y/n took a breath, making her way towards the simple casket that rested in the front of the crowd, waiting to be lowered into the grave that sat beneath it.

The casket was simple, a black and glossy box detailed with flower streaks of silver along the sides. It was minimalistic at best. Looking up, she was met with a simple stone, her name written across it in a pretty font of cursive. Between her birth and death date were little bellflowers ingrained into stone. So it was her funeral. Y/n shook her head, taking a step back and flinching when she passed through the body of a particularly small woman. Eyes wide with panic, she looked up, taking in the sight of Hina with blood-shot eyes and tear-stained cheeks as she walked to stand by Daichi’s side. Her chest hurt, her veins ached and her eyes burned. They were holding each other, crying amongst one another, and finding comfort in warm arms. Y/n bit down on her bottom lip, dragging her hands down her face and willing away her tears. I hate it here; she thought to herself.

—————————-

She had woken up the next morning trapped beneath Daichi’s arm and squashed against his naked body. Her cheeks felt wet, stained with old and new tears. She had been crying in her sleep. Sneaking out from beneath his arm, she quickly changed into some shorts and a sweater before making her way to the bathroom. It was still fairly early; the sun had yet to rise fully, and the birds were just coming from the trees to begin their morning show. She wasn’t particularly nauseous that morning, honestly, she only got nauseous by midday, but getting sick while Daichi was awake was not a risk she was willing to take. Taking a breath, she turned to the shower, turning the knob and watching as the water flowed down onto the shower floor. Hopefully, the pouring of the shower could hinder the noises that would surely escape her throat in a few moments.

She spent her shower sitting on the floor, letting the water run down her body and soak into her skin. Her legs sat flat against the shower mat, her heels touching the cold stone floor, the bottoms of her calves the only ones getting wet with the constant trickle of water. She was sure to step out with steaming skin, and who knows, maybe she would boil away into soup underneath the hot stream, but nothing could bother her anymore. Bracing herself for the impending nausea she would feel, she slowly stood up, clutching onto her forehead as she felt lightheaded. Who knew cancer could come with anemia too?

She supposed she couldn’t complain all that much though. She felt no nausea throughout her morning routine, she managed to brush her teeth and dry herself off with no complaints, and putting on her clothes seemed easier than usual. Overall, it was a decent morning, but her dream from the previous night seemed to plague her mind like a swarm of locusts.

“Thought you dipped,” Daichi remarked as he walked into the bathroom, eyes still small with sleep. Y/n looked up, midway through her morning face routine, and rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, because I’m going to leave my own house,” Daichi grunted, reaching over her shoulder to grab his toothbrush. He had spent the night so often that he had clothes, shampoo, and a toothbrush ready for him at all times.

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Daichi mumbled around his toothbrush, lazily staring at himself in the mirror. Y/n chuckled, bending over to splash some water on her face and get rid of any cleanser that was left behind. She stood up, taking the small towel on the bathroom counter to dry off her face, humming to herself as she did so. Life was normal, as normal as it could be with her death just right around the corner.

—————————————

“I’m surprised she let you inside,” Kiyoko giggled from beside Daichi. Someway or another they had found themselves in a small coffee shop, sitting across from one another sipping on their drinks and taking small bites from their pastries now and again. Daichi chuckled, softly agreeing with Kiyoko’s statement.

The snow was still falling outside, coating tree branches and frosting over sidewalks. Now and again a couple would pass by the store windows, one of them almost slipping over a patch of unsalted ice. It made Daichi chuckle, a sad smile lingering over his lips, knowing that that could have been them.

“Sometimes, I hear her voice, y’know? And I know it’s just me imagining things, but it’s nice to pretend sometimes, y’know?” Daichi murmured, looking up to meet Kiyoko’s sympathetic gaze. Kiyoko offered Daichi a soft smile, reaching over to place her hands over Daichi’s in a comforting manner.

“I do too, but I’d like to think that that really is her voice, and not my head. I’d like to think it’s real and not pretend,” said Kiyoko. Daichi could feel the way her lips quivered ever so slightly as they raised into somewhat of a smile. Looking up and over Kiyoko’s shoulder, Daichi let himself get lost in the spiraling winds filled with fluffed snow. Somewhere in the chaos of swirls and snowflakes, he could make out a body, a face, something familiar. And suddenly Daichi was shocked still, eyes wide and fingers frigid from the soft voice that grazed his eardrums.

“You gotta live a little, Daichi.”

[fanfictionaries]

I know you have a lot to write, but I do have one request. I dont normally do that, so if it's not good or something just let me know. But I had this idea. A Bucky and Reader, where they are together for a while and she wants to ask Bucky to move in with her. But Bucky has uncertainties about their relationship and is thinking to actually break up with the reader. I want there to be angst but I don't know how it would end... Whether a fluff ending or an angst one I don't mind :)

This is a wonderful request and I loved doing it! Not gonna lie - it took me  a little out of my element. I had to sit and have a long, hard think about how to approach it and do it justice, but I think I may have cracked it. Hopefully you enjoy it! 

From Now On - Communication 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female reader

Words: 5k

Warnings: Swearing, ANGST!, Mentions of death/murder, Little Fluff, Sam being a really great friend. 

Author’s Note: I loved this request so much! Nothing I love more than an angsty Bucky and some miscommunication! 

I loved doing this, so please people. Send me more requests! 

***

“I think I’m gonna break up with (Y/N).” There. He’d said it. It had been on his mind all week long. He’d kept it tucked away, tried to hide it, but the further he buried it the worse it clawed and scratched at his brain, trying to worm its way out.

“Really? I was thinking about getting a full back tattoo of you riding the cap shield like a surfboard,” grunted Sam, working his way through the last of his set of bicep curls.

“What?” Bucky asked in confusion, looking to his partner.

Sam shrugged, standing and placing the heavy dumbbell back in its place, “Well, I just figured since we were saying stupid shit today, I’d join in.”

“Sam, I’m being serious here man.”

“Oh, I know you are, Tinman. That’s why I think you’ve lost your god damn mind. Why would you want to break up with (Y/N)? She’s the best damn thing that’s ever happened to you—” Sam walked across the gym, grabbing his water bottle before making his way to Bucky “—I mean, I still can’t understand how you landed her. She’s way too good for you.”

“I know!” The words came out more raucous and forceful than he intended. Sinking down onto a nearby bench, Bucky braced his elbows on his knees, letting his head hang low, “I know. That’s the problem. She’s too good for me.”

“Don’t tell me this is another one of those ‘Poor me. I’m too broken and damaged for her to love me.’ things. Because if it is, I’m gonna’ have to kick your ass,” said Sam, raising an eyebrow at the sulking man in front of him.

“No, no. It’s not that—”

“You know I’ll do it.”

“I know and it’s not—well it’s a little bit of that but—I just…”

“What? Is she too pretty? Too smart? Too nice? Too eager to put up with your shit?”

“No! It’s none of that!” shouted Bucky, beginning to wonder why he ever thought to confide in the irritating man in front of him. Oh right – because he didn’t have any other friends.

“Then what is it?” Sam asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“She wants to break up with me, but she’s too nice to just pull the trigger. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?” Bucky stood, grabbing his towel and stalking towards the water fountain—his anger and irritation manifesting in the physical need to move.

Sam, hot on his heel, followed him, leaning against the wall as Bucky bent to get a drink. The cool water sent icy chills though his body as it flowed down his throat. “Did she tell you this? Did you physically hear her say that?”

“No, but I’m not an idiot, Sam. I know when a dame is trying to end things without really ending them. As much as people like to think ghosting is a new concept, it’s really not. In fact, if anything it was easier for gals to just disappear and avoid you in the 40s than it is now. Either way – you eventually get the message.” As much as he hoped the cold water would cool him down, his anger continued to bubble. Anger not for Sam. Not even for you. But for himself. This was his fault after all. He scared you off.

Bucky sighed, continuing to stare down at the waterspout below him, the water flowing crystal clear, swirling around the basin and disappearing down the drain, “She’s been avoiding me. She won’t answer my calls. Barely calls me back. When I do happen to get ahold of her, she’s short. Tries to end the call as quickly as possible. I was supposed to come over last night and she cancelled on me. She never cancels on me.”

“Have you tried being direct with her? Asking her what’s going on?” asked Sam, his tone softer, kinder now that he understood the full extent of the situation.

“Yea. She keeps insisting that nothing’s going on. But I—I know she’s lying. Lying about something! I mean, you don’t do what we do for a living and not know when people are lying straight to your face.”

Running a hand over his cropped hair, he looked to Sam for help. As much as they liked to give each other shit, he had begrudgingly come to rely on his partner for the things he used to rely on Steve for. Friendship. Companionship. Emotional support. All that sappy shit. Much to his annoyance, Sam was really good at it too. All the sappy shit.

“Look, I don’t wanna’ pry man, but did something…happen?”

“Yea. I told her about Riga.”

***

The moment kept playing over and over again in your head. Repeating on a continuous loop for the past week. It had started out like any other night – Bucky was sleeping over. He did that a lot recently. Not that you minded. It just meant you got to spend more time with your wonderful boyfriend. You liked having him there. In your space. His familiar presence was becoming a consistent and habitual aspect of your life. Wake up – Bucky. Go to work – Bucky. Get home – Bucky. Go to sleep – Bucky. Some might consider it excessive, but to you it was wonderful. Never had you felt more at ease with someone else.

“Thanks again for letting me sleep here doll,” said Bucky, pulling back the covers on what you had begun to consider his side of the bed. The mattress dipped under his weight, pulling your body towards him. You allowed yourself to roll into his side, draping an arm across his bare abdomen.

You hummed in response, burying your face into the crook of his chest. Wrapping his flesh arm around your shoulders, he pulled you in tight. You felt the firm press of his lips to the top of your head as he inhaled your scent. The heat of a contented sigh brushed across your scalp, causing baby hairs to tickle your face.

“It’s a hell of a lot better than my place.”

“Why’s that?” you asked, tracing patterns across the plains of his chest.

“Ehh, upstairs neighbors. I can always hear them walking around,” answered Bucky.

“Too loud?”

Bucky was quiet. His body stiffened under yours and for a moment, you wondered if you had said something wrong. “No. They’re not too loud. I just—”

He stopped, struggling to get the words out.

“Hey—” you laid your palm flat against his chest and rubbed the warm skin firmly “—you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“I want to—”

“But?”

“It’s not like how you’d think. The memories.” Oh. You held your breath, listening patiently as the conversation turned to a subject you didn’t expect. “Most assume that I remember the things I’ve done the way you’d remember any other moment. But, for so many years I was just a prisoner in my own body. Watching as someone else pulled the trigger, over and over again. When I remember things – it’s like I’m someone else. Like I’m watching myself from the outside.”

You continued to stay silent, rubbing your hand back and forth across his chest soothingly as you took in his words. Seventy years. Seventy years a prisoner in his own body. So much so that his subconscious had a hard time connecting the things he did with the person he was. “It was my first missions. A journalist in Riga was getting a little too nosy for Hydra’s liking. I was sent in to take care of him. Then cover it up – make it look like an accident. It was simple. Quick. Something to test if I was ready to be sent into the field. I shot him and his wife in their dining room. I remember watching as I walked around their bodies. Just stepping over them like they were nothing. The house was small and old, and the floorboards creaked. My mission was to burn the house and the bodies. I grabbed a can of gas from the shed in the backyard. A box of matches from the kitchen.”

His voice remained steady, but you could feel the strain and guilt he carried emanate from his body.

“I never noticed the cracks in the floorboards. Turns out they had two children hiding in the crawl space below the floor.”

“Oh Bucky…did they?” You couldn’t say it. Your hand stilled.

“No. They managed to get out, after I left. But Hydra found them a few days later and finished the job,” said Bucky bitterly.

“Bucky – that’s not your fault. You know that, right?” Looking up at him from where you laid, you were met with the turn of his head. Unwilling to look you in the eye.

“No, I didn’t kill them, but only because I didn’t know they were there. If I did…I honestly don’t know. And they—they watched me kill their parents. They sat under those floorboards and listened to me walk over their dead parents with no remorse. No regret. Scared out of their minds that they’d be next. Every time I hear those footsteps above me, I can’t help but think about them. It’s like I’m in that crawlspace with them, waiting for the monster come and get me. But I’m—I’m the monster (Y/N).”

You felt a wetness pool on the top of your head, a small warm trickle you quickly recognized as tears. Bucky’s tears. Sitting up, you pulled his body into your lap. He followed without argument, clinging to you desperately, as the tears continued to flow. Rocking him back and forth you did your best to soothe him. Whispering sweet promises and assurances that you were there. That he wasn’t a monster. That that person wasn’t him then and it wasn’t him now. You knew that self-loathing lived within his soul, but never did you realize the depths to which it burrowed and festered until that moment. So disgusted and ashamed of the things his body had been forced to do, his mind had constructed a world in which he was both the victim and the perpetrator. What it must be like – to be afraid of yourself, to be your own nightmare, to be the thing that kept you up at night – you could never imagine. Never could you truly know the extent to which he suffered, but you did know one thing.

You couldn’t let Bucky continue to stay in a place that caused him so much pain.

After that night, you’d began your preparations. You honestly had no idea why it had taken you this long to consider it. You already enjoyed having Bucky constantly in your space. You loved him. Neither of you had said the words yet, but you know you did. To a certain extent you believed that he loved you back as well. He would have never borne himself to you like that if he didn’t. The two of you had been together for a while now anyways. Your apartment was on the top floor. No upstairs neighbors. Asking him to move in with you was the logical next step. The only issue was that Bucky was a proud man. If you asked him to move in with you the morning after his confession, he would expect that it was done out of pity and most likely refuse. That was far from what you wanted. You wanted him to know that you were serious. That you genuinely wanted him there with you.

So began your purge of all unnecessary items – making room for Bucky and anything he might want to make the space feel more like his own. Steve had left some things behind – relics of their past lives that you knew were important to Bucky. Such as an old record player, a desk and chair, a radio. They were things that made him feel a little less out of his element. Unfortunately, you had accumulated a lot of, well for lack of a better word – crap—over the years and the job had turned out to be a lot tougher than you originally expected. Hauling boxes of dusty knick-knacks, bags of clothes, and even a few items of furniture down from your 4th story walk up was no easy job. Wanting to ask him the big question as soon as possible – you spent what little time you had after work clearing and organizing your apartment to a neurotic level. You were exhausted. Exhausted and honestly a little crazy.

Every day harbored a new anxiety that he would say no. That you had done all this work for him to say that he wasn’t ready for this step. However, the rational part of your brain pushed the nagging thought away. If he didn’t like you or your apartment, he wouldn’t spend so much time there. Plus, the more perfect you made the space for him, the less likely he was to say no.

The worst part of it all though, was the lying to him. You were an awful liar. So bad, in fact, that you were known to ruin presents, surprise parties, and on occasion your friends’ ability to tell you secrets. The bigger a secret was, the harder it was for you to keep it. Therefore, you’d been keeping your interactions with Bucky to a minimum. The whole thing had almost toppled over onto you when you forgot he was supposed to come over for dinner and movies that Wednesday night. When he’d left a message telling you he was leaving work in five, you panic called him and told him you had to cancel, leaving him with a vague and certainly awful excuse. Seeing your apartment in shambles would certainly give away your surprise.

But it was only a week, you told yourself. You only needed to hold out for a week. You were meeting him for dinner that night and then you’d ask him. If he said no, you’d take him over to your apartment and prove to him you were serious. If he said yes, then you’d still take him over to your apartment and surprise him with all the hard work you’d done.

Preparing to meet Bucky for dinner, you checked your makeup one last time in the mirror before turning back to your apartment. Taking a second to look around the space, you were pleased with your work. The place looked fantastic. It was clean top to bottom. Empty spaces sat throughout for Bucky to move his things into. A blank spot on the far wall of the apartment was left for his record player. The spare bedroom had a wall free for his desk next to yours. The bookshelf had two whole rows for him to fill with books of his own. You’d cleared out half of your closet and dresser for him to put his clothes. The top of the fridge sat empty for him to place his radio. You could almost image him sitting at the little kitchen table, listening to it on Saturday mornings.

Checking your purse, you smiled at the small box where a spare key sat, a single piece of ribbon tied around it in a bow. Maybe it was a bit much, but Bucky meant enough to you, for you to make the effort. You were meeting Bucky at his favorite pizza place in Brooklyn. You had it all planned out. You’d order his favorite pizza, a few beers, and then you’d take out the box once you finished your food. Wiping your hands on the skirt of your dress, you took a deep breath. You could do this. Nervous energy coursed through your body as you walked down the flights of stairs and onto the city streets. You were only a block away from your apartment when your phone buzzed. Pulling it out, the sight of Sam’s name took you by surprise.

“Hey Sam, what’s up?” you asked, answering on the second ring.

“Hey! (Y/N)! Not much, just checking in on you. Haven’t heard from you in a while. Just wanted to see how you were doing,” said Sam casually.

“Oh, that’s so sweet Sam. Sorry I’ve been so radio silent lately, but I’m doing good! I’m actually on my way to meet Bucky for pizza,” you told him as you briefly looked both ways before crossing the street.

“Yea, about that. You know, if you ever wanted to talk about anything, I’m here. You can talk to me. I’m not just Bucky’s friend. I’m yours too.”

“Wow, well that’s really sweet Sam.” The sentiment was really sweet, albeit a tad weird and out of place, but sweet, nonetheless. Maybe he was feeling sentimental? Perhaps he was a bit hurt that you’d been MIA for the last week not just from Bucky, but from him as well. Should you tell him what you had planned? It might make him happy to know the secret before you told Bucky. Plus, there was no way he could spoil the surprise. You were telling Bucky in the next hour or so anyways.

“Actually – Sam. There is something I wanted to tell you.”

“Really?” he asked in surprise.  

“Yea, I’ve been trying to keep a low profile this past week because it’s a surprise and I’m such a bad liar, but I trust you not to spill the beans,” you joked as you neared the pizza place.

“Okay…” Sam said slowly.

“I’m asking Bucky to move in with me tonight!” you practically yelled it, the excitement bubbling over.

“What?!”

“Yea! I know, it’s exciting! I’m just worried about whether he’ll say yes or not, ya know? It’s a big step, but I just feel so secure in this relationship and I care for him so much.”

“(Y/N)—”

Spotting Bucky standing outside of the restaurant, you spoke quickly into the phone, “Oh! I see Bucky now. I have to go! I’ll text you later.”

You could hear Sam’s voice from the other end but didn’t quite catch what he said as you hung up and skipped over to Bucky. Flinging yourself into his arms, you hugged him tightly, leaning back to place a quick peck to his lips, “Hey babe!”

He seemed confused when he looked at you, carefully placing his hands on your waist, “Hey.”

“Let’s go inside, I’m starving!”

The dinner was more tense than the meals you usually shared. You found yourself at a loss for words continuously throughout the night. Everything he said, everything you said, heck everything you thought led your brain to the subject of him moving in. Five times, you’d almost slipped up and called it ‘our’ apartment. You were pathetic! Bucky also seemed to be battling something, but you assumed it was mostly likely a response to the weird vibes you were giving off. When the waitress had cleared the tables, you were struck by a wave of nerves. This was it. This was the moment. Reaching into your purse beside you, your fingers closed around the small box and pulled it out, keeping it hidden beneath the table.

Opening your mouth to begin the small speech you had practiced in the mirror that morning, you were stopped by Bucky.  

“Listen, (Y/N). There’s something I wanted to talk to you about actually.”

Looking up at him, you found him staring intently down at his hands. You pivoted your body back towards him, “What’s up?”

Bucky sighed, heavily, “I…this isn’t working anymore, (Y/N).”

“What’s not working?” you asked dumbly, unable to comprehend the words he was saying.

“This—” he motioned between the two of you “You and me.”

“I don’t—I don’t understand. Why—”

“Let’s not pretend, (Y/N). I think it’s pretty clear that we’re not happy here.” You weren’t? Searching through your memories, you tried to understand how you had missed when he became unhappy. Was it when you bored him with your lame reality TV? Was it when you fell asleep too early on Friday nights? Or was it when he noticed your propensity to talk too loudly at parties? Or the way you left coffee stains on his copy of the Sunday Times every week? Perhaps it was simply in the moments when you weren’t looking – too engrossed in your own happiness to notice when his own had faded.

Swallowing thickly, you chose your words carefully, trying to keep your composure in the highly public place, “Well, if that’s how you feel, then maybe we should end this.”

You wouldn’t beg him. You wouldn’t beg and plead with him the way you truly wanted to. The last thing you wanted was to guilt him into staying in a relationship where he wasn’t happy. A short and bitter laugh escaped Bucky, the sound like sharp and jagged glass digging into every inch of your body.

“Yea, I think that’s for the best,” said Bucky coldly.

***

Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. It was almost comical how quickly you had agreed with him. It only proved his theory. Things were over between the two of you and you didn’t have the guts to end it. Probably due to pity. Nobody wanted to dump the sad, damaged guy. He watched as you stood suddenly, the movement catching him off guard. At the very least, he expected some kind of pity goodbye – an empty promise to remain friends, a stiff hug with a pat on the back. But the desperate confusion on your face as your eyes darted around the restaurant were not what he expected.

“I um, I have to—I’m just gonna—I’m just gonna go, I guess,” you rambled, voice thick and wavering at the end.

“(Y/N)?” he asked in confusion, standing himself.

“I’m sorry, I just have to—” you ended your sentence, turning from him and darting through the restaurant and out the doors. Bucky stood there, staring at where your figure had disappeared around the corner. He had thought for sure that this was what you wanted. But if that was true, then why did you seem so upset? Why had he seen tears in your eyes as you ran from him? Did you not want to break up? You must have – you agreed to it so easily. So quickly. Throwing cash down on the table, he was halfway to the door when a server stopped him.

“Excuse me, sir – I think your friend dropped this.”

A small red box was placed in his hand, no bigger than a coin envelope and feather light. Thin white ribbon wrapped around the center tightly, forming a lopsided bow. He stared at the strange object in his hand. What could this possibly be? And why did (Y/N) have it? Exiting the restaurant, he leaned against the side of the building and pulled on the ribbon.

At the sight of the contents of the box, his stomach dropped. A small white card sat at the top:

No more nightmares. Live with me instead?

Picking up the card, adorned with your messy, looping script he spotted the silver key that sat below.

Fuck.

Racing down the streets, he’d never been more grateful for his super-soldier stamina and speed. He reached you just as you were getting out of a cab outside your building. Tears streaked down your face, makeup running and eyes red.

“(Y/N)!”

You turned, nearly tripping over your own feet as you did, “Bucky, what are you doing here?”

“I’m an idiot.”

“What?” you asked, bringing a hand up to hurriedly wipe at your face.

“I’m an idiot,” he said again, pulling the box from his pocket and holding it out to you.

“Oh my god,” you muttered, opening your purse frantically to see that the box was in fact not there but in his hand. “This is so embarrassing. You can—I can take that, and we can just forget—”

“Why did you agree?”

“Why did I agree to what?” you asked in confusion.

“Why did you agree to break up when you were going to ask me to move in?” he asked, stepping towards you.

“You said you weren’t happy. I’m not going to beg you to stay with me if you’re unhappy. I love you way too much to do that.”

You continued to talk, but the words drowned out as his brain processed what you’d just said. You loved him. You loved him and you wanted him to move in with you, and he had just broken up with him. He was a fucking idiot.

Your voice came back into the foreground of his mind, swelling to full volume, “And I really don’t understand why you raced all the way here to—”

He cut you off, leaning down and capturing your lips with his. You were soft, sweet, and completely all-encompassing–just like always. His heart convulsed in his chest when you leaned into the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck. He kissed you harder, putting everything he had into that one kiss. The one kiss he could give to say ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. Please forgive me’. Pulling away, he rested his forehead to yours, breathing raggedly as he held you tight. Arms wrapped impossibly tight around your middle, fingers digging into your clothes, not an inch of space between the two of you. Hell would freeze over before he let you go.

“I’m not unhappy (Y/N). The only time I am happy is when I’m with you. I love you so much. I don’t wanna’ lose you,” he confessed, feeling the back of his throat constrict and the tears in his eyes begin to form.

“Then why?”

“I thought you wanted to break up with me. I was trying to make things easier for you.”

Pulling away from him, you thwacked him across the chest, “Why in the world would you think I wanted to break up with you James Buchanan Barnes?”

He felt dumb, but he also felt slightly justified when he answered, “I told you about Riga, and then you pretty much disappeared on me for a week (Y/N). What was I supposed to think?”

“You were supposed to believe what I told you, you big dummy! That I didn’t think it was your fault. That you’re not a monster. That I’m here for you!” you said, pacing in front of him. You looked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world, and he felt like it too. But he couldn’t help but smile. You loved him. You didn’t think he was a monster. Hell, you still cared enough about him to yell at him and tell him when he was being an idiot.

“Can I still move in?” he asked lamely, unsure of what else to say. He waited on edge as you sighed and tilted your head back. Sniffing away the tears and emotions, you shook your head in exasperation.

“I mean, if I say no, then the sheer amount of work I put in this week to get this apartment ready for you, would be for nothing,” you sighed, smiling at him wryly.

“You’ve been getting it ready?”

“Of course!” you exclaimed. “What do you think I’ve been doing this whole week I’ve been MIA? I had to practically force myself to avoid you so I wouldn’t accidentally tell you what I’ve been up to.”

You began to walk towards the front entrance of your building, leaving him to stare at your retreating figure in a dumbfounded stupor. Man, he really felt like an idiot.

“Well?” you asked, turning back to him, “Are you coming or what?”

The whirling sound of wind halted his answer. A roar swept through the air as a gust picked up around them. Looking up in confusion, Bucky was greeted by the sight of Sam in full falcon gear flying towards them before landing on the sidewalk in front of him.

“Wait! Stop! I need—I have to tell—don’t—” he panted “Hold on. I need a minute.” Bracing his hands on his knees, he breathed heavily, catching his breath.

“Sam? What are you doing here?” Bucky asked Sam, “And why are you out of breath? You were using the suit. That takes absolutely no cardio.”

“I couldn’t use the suit to fly to every pizza joint in Brooklyn. It only has so much juice Terminator. I had to run a couple hundred blocks with the suit on.”

You had made your way to his side again by now, intertwining your fingers with his as you both looked at Sam.

“Why were you running between every pizza joint in Brooklyn?” Bucky asked, still unsure why his partner and friend was standing before them in a manic state.

“Because! You’re about to make a stupid mistake, you asshat and I’m trying to stop you before—” he stopped. Looking between the two of you and then at your intertwined fingers. “Wait. You didn’t?” he asked Bucky, trying to communicate with his eyes without alerting you.

“I did,” Bucky sighed, looking down at you apologetically.

“But you’re?” Sam motioned between the two of you with a finger, trying to piece it all together.

“I may have told him over the phone that I was asking you to move in, right before I met you for dinner,” you told him, a guilty expression on your face. Ahhh, that made sense.

“Unfortunately, you’re a bit late to the big, unfortunate scene. We hashed it out. I’m moving in,” Bucky laughed.

“But it was very sweet of you to come all the way out here to try and stop it from happening Sam!” you called to him, giving him an apologetic smile.

“Are you kidding me?! I came all the way out—I tried—You know what—” Sam held up his hands in good-natured defeat “—I’m happy for the two of you. But from now on COMMUNICATION. Falcon out.”

With that, he extended his wings, taking off and disappearing beyond the city scape within a matter of moments.

“I thought he was Captain America now?” you asked, light heartedly.

“Only when he has the shield. When he wears the wings, he insists on calling himself Falcon still,” he informed you, turning with you as you both began to walk back towards the front entrance of your building.

“Interesting…well, ready to go home?” The words from your lips, made him lift – lighter than air as he pulled the key from the box in his pocket and placed it into the lock.

“Yea, let’s go home.”

Marvel Taglist: 

@caffiend-queen

@hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall

[indecisive-v]

NINJAMUFFIN DOING ANOTHER AMA ON TWITTER, HERE'S MORE SHIT FOR YA! keep in mind i'm just sharing the funkin related stuff, though i am including WAAAAY more than what i shared before 👍 go check out ninja's twitter profile for questions about stuff like ritz! questions in blue, answers in orange. if yall don't wanna read everything i MIGHT make a version of this post where i replace the answers with my own summaries of em (and if the questions are long, those too)

and here's a link to the ama tweet itself! dunno if it's still goin

Q: I figure the answer will be yes but do you have more plans to implement more guest appearances from people in the newgrounds community into FNF? Or are you all gunna focus on OG lore and stuff going forward

A: for guest appearances, I think we have always seen it as getting a healthy mix of both. PERSONALLY I'd like to lean towards having more OG stuff than guest stuff, BUT it's all a matter of what other boys think of that as well. I'm not the sole person working on game!

Q: Are you gonna release the full FNF game or are you gonna be releasing week after week? Like, are you gonna release week 8 or are we gonna wait some years until The Full Ass Game comes out?

A: Release plan for FNF right now is a few more updates or whatev to the 'demo' we have out right now, and then a long silence of probably no updates whatsoever until the full game is done (which will likely be a few years). That's partly why we made kickstarter for game.

Q: Hey so like, how much will Fnf cost after it's finished? And when will you ask the supporters what they want the game on?

A: It's all subject to change, but right now it prob gonna be standard 15-25$ lil steam indie game.

We will ask Kickstarter pledgers and whatnot what they want the game on SUPER close to when its released, to keep options open if we get onto anything like a console people want.

Q: 1. how was your day

2. are you releasing a week 8 song early like week 7, or are you goin full lockdown

A: I am doing GOOD today, and I think recently I've been good in general.

up to the mood, but so far we doing good about not having anything leak or whatev, so I think it'd be fun to have update come out with people not knowing what to expect at all. Build dat intrigue

Q: Will fnf ever get official plushies?? Seems like an untapped market

A: FNF plushies will prob happen some point, we have a lot of current merch stuff on our plates already though! (Mostly kickstarter type stuff, shirts, pins, posters, and all the physical OST stuff) Its a lot to sort out, but in time more and more stuff will happen. We r jus 4 boys!

Q: did you ever expect your game to blow up as it did? what was your first reaction to seeing it become super popular

A: FNF never had a humble moment, literally day 1 before the prototype even came out, the vid on twitter had like 5K likes overnight. Then when ludum dare version came out, it got 5K likes again, like it wasnt just a fluke. Was crazy, and def felt like somethin was different wit FNF

Q: Do you plan on getting other people to come in to help with the music? That seems like a lot of work to dump on one person, what with the erect mode and whatnot.

I guess the question could apply to all aspects of development. Will you be bringing on more people to help?

A: We definitely are getting help from other people. We are always keeping an eye on people for various different things. In terms of programming, already I've gotten 2 people (MtH and Geokureli) to help with certain Week 7 stuff (charting/polish, and loading stuff). Shit like dat

Q: Oh, also, will the Steam version be Workshop compatible? That'd really help streamline the process of downloading mods.

A: Steam version of FNF will likely NOT be Steam workshop compatible, because we want all the mods to NOT be spread out through different places. There WILL be modding support that is as streamlined as Steam workshop though. Mainly for non-steam versions of the game!

Q: Are there any chances that the game will have a physical release? Also any updates on a switch port? I remember one of you guys talking/joking about it.

A: Not impossible for FNF to get a physical release. We would want to see how far we could go with it though. I think it'd be super easy to do something wit people like LimitedRun games or whatev, but I think stuff like that can only go so far. I wanna see Funkin in mf Walmart!!!!!!

not that LimitedRun isn't going to be an option! Just we consider and pursue many different things! FNF release is years away, so we have time to think about everything. Whole mindset can be different just a few months from now.

Q: Out of curiosity, how are you dealing with all the popularity? It blew up so fast id barely be able to handle it if I was in your shoes.

A: The only way I've been able to handle it is having the other boys on the crew and being able to talk to them about all the overwhelmingness.

Part of it feels very lonesome, feels like NO ONE can come close to comprehending exactly how I'm feeling, except them. also other PALS!!!

Q: Do you own any of the bootleg FNF merchandise? Like any bootleg plushies or anything?

A: i dont, i genuinely think they r a waste of money, and I know any bootleg shit that gets made, we can prob go about and make it, and make it 100x cooler because we actually put effort into shit. bootleg shit just in it for the coin, so they aint gettin that from me

Q: How did you go about getting in contact with sr pelo for skid and pumps vocals?

A: Pelo i think was familiar and pals wit PhantomArcade a bit thru various Newgrounds things and collabs and whatnot.

pelo retweeted the first OG FNF posts first ever, and brought a LOT of attention to it. to pay him back, we put skid and pump in game! ask dave for more info prob

Q: what's the plan for having the full ass game open source if it's gonna cost money? couldn't people just download the source and compile the game for free?

A: when FNF is fully released, the full source code will be released as well.

the game will be DRM free so it will be way easier for people to redistribute the released/offical .exe instead of compiling it, so that's not the issue anyways. people will pay for things if they like it

Q: What are the chances of it getting on consoles like switch or Playstation, ps5 would definitely be my preferred way to play

A: it'd be a matter of hiring someone to build out backend stuff for those specific consoles. someone who knows their way around all the wacky code stuff, AND knows console hardware stuff. Then its just a matter of hittin up those console manufacturers (Sony, Microsoft, or Nintendo)

the CLOSEST one is SWITCH. pretty much all of that backend is already made, so it just a matter of gettin all that access and shit.

i think in any case though, there's a lot of NDA stuff required, i dunno how much we'd be able to talk about it even IF we get that stuf sorted

Q: any ideas of releasing it on epic store or another platform?

A: Right now, the only thing that is 100% confirmed and WILL happen is a Steam version, itchio version, and mobile versions on respective app stores. Other storefronts aren't out of the picture though, but we don't want to spread ourselves too thin with it.

Q: Will you continue using HaxeFlixel to make the rest of FNF?

A: yes, because it is what I'm the most technically proficient in, and generally is VERY flexible. just a matter of ME becoming a better coder. It's ALL open source, so if I need something done a certain way, either I can do it, or we can hire someone to do it.

Q: have you seen game theory's videos on your game yet and if so, what do you think about them? (not talking about his predictions because i dont want spoilers. i like mystery)

A: it is always good silly fun to watch the Game Theory vids about Funkin with some pals, and see what matpat thinks of the game. i lov the vids, but wish he used my face less! Or at least used a cuter pic of me like this one!!

Q: Ok so: What does the future of FNF look like to you?

A: future of FNF is a rhythm game that not only exceeds every expectation that people have of it, but subverts most expectations and conventions as well.

Q: Do you plan on retouching on older weeks once the game is fully out? Like reanimating sprites, redoing some charting, updating the background, etc

A: retouching and probably overhauling certain aspects is almost definitely gonna happen. Everything is fluid and can be changed (and should be changed when necessary). i dont think anything should be too attached to, especially this early on in development

Q: I honestly do not care if the answer to this is vague as hell to keep surprises and shit lol but… Since Week 7 was the closest we’ll get to a playable girlfriend (still bf controlling tho), do you have plans to make girlfriend playable in spin-off things or just freeplay?

A: wouldnt be out of the picture for a playable GF, i don't think we've had some hard thing AGAINST it. just a matter of what we want out of the game, and what sort of story or whatev we could do with that concept

Q: How do BF and GF manage to meet famous newgrounds characters (such as pico, tankman and the others to come) like is this all in one universe/ timeline or are they being brought in?

A: i think they are all just there existing. i think there's a lot of wacky things in other media that try to justify crossovers, like MULTIVERSE bullshit or TIMELINE shit, but i dunno, its like subspace emissary. Captain Falcon and Olimar from Pikmin just hang out. Shit like dat

disclaimer that all lore shit is in phantomarcade head pretty much and maybe there is wacky dimensions or somethin

Q: Will the game have dlc?

A: its not too unlikely that we'd have expansions of some sort, but i mean right now we plan on packing in as much as we can into base game, and trying to make that as pure as possible.

if there is ANY dlc, i would personally want it to be 100% free updates

Q: How did you meet Phantom Arcade, Kawai Sprite, and EvilSker? And what do you think about the community and its controversies?

A: me and phantomarcade been fukin around NG for years so years and years ago we naturally crossed paths and became pals

about 2 years ago i found kawaisprites music on NG, and started talkin wit him, made Ritz wit him and we fell in lov

and evilsk8r i met cuz of FNF!!!

quik elaborate on evilsk8r, wanted artist for gamejam FNF was for (ludum dare), and OG person i asked wasnt available, so he referred me to evilsk8r, who I have never met or talked to before ever.

[shreddedparchment]

Heavy is the Hand You’re Dealt

Part 3

09/04/2019

Pairing: Steve x Reader, Thor x Reader         Word Count: 9,980

Prompt: Imposter - Bearson

Masterpost          Warnings: angst, smut, unprotected sex, canon level violence

A/N: This is the chapter where canon goes out the window. This is again, for @youngmoneymilla ‘s 5K challenge. It was supposed to be two parts. Now it’s gonna be four. I don’t know why I even try to limit myself. I suck at short stories. Anyway, I hope you like this one. More fun parts in this one I hope. Let me know what you liked. If you reblog, thanks for reblogging! xoxo

“Where is she?” Sam asks, eyes scouring the digital map for your unique frequency.

“Somewhere in Germany.” Bucky points, showing Sam the unique pattern of captures.

“Man, that was our mission.” Sam complains.

“Hey, if it keeps us home, I’m not going to complain.” Bucky counters.

“She should have just taken the shield then.” Sam continues to gripe.

Bucky looks down at the base of the map, thinks for a second, then with the knowledge of being broken, the forever etched reality that sometimes there is no coming back from certain types of heartbreak, he shakes his head.

“She’s not ready for it yet.” He tells Sam and they look at each other, both reliving the exact same moment for what must feel like the hundredth time.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky looks out towards the water, the ghost of his sad yet grateful smirk falling away as he spots the old man on the bench.

“Sam.” He calls out, knowing somehow that it’s him.

Sam approaches and he smiles. Strange to see someone that only moments ago looked young look aged, a long and happy—by the looks of that smile on his face—life lived.

“Cap?”

“Not for a long time.” Old Steve tells Sam and slowly Sam sits.

“How-?”

“I stayed.”

Sam’s smile suddenly falls away and he looks back towards the house and Steve knows what he’s thinking.

“She didn’t take it well.” He says sadly. “I’d forgotten how bad it was…”

“You heard?” Bucky’s made his way over, stopping at the other end of the bench. “I didn’t think you’d go through with it.”

“I found my home.” Steve tells them and they exchange a quick glance.

“Here.” Steve reaches over by his right foot and brings up what must be his shield wrapped in a leather protective sleeve. “This is for her. She knows how to use it. I taught her. And she’s-”

“She’s not going to take it, Steve.” Bucky shakes his head and old Steve turns to look at him, his withered face looking suddenly tired and sad. “Not now.”

“Someday she will.” Steve assures him.

“You don’t know that.” Bucky argues.

“It’s hers.” Steve insists. “She’s the right choice.”

“Steve,” Sam begins. “I don’t know if you really grasp what you did here.”

“You take it. You’re a good man, Sam. I trust you. You’ll take good care of it.” He tells Sam, placing the shield in his hands. “Until she’s ready.”

“She might never be ready, Steve.” Bucky counters.

“She will be. I know her. She…” Steve sighs, it almost seems taxing on his entire body to breathe in and out.

“What do you know?” Bucky suddenly says, suspicious.

“Thor will leave.” Steve says, throwing them off.

What does the God have to do with anything?

“It’s important that you give him a reason to come back. Two years.” Steve holds up two wrinkled fingers and looks at Bucky and Sam in turn. “In two years, don’t forget to bring him back.”

“Why?” Bucky asks again, sounding a little more upset.

Steve stares out at the water, and with the last rays of the sun dancing along sending golden flecks of glitter across his face, he shakes his head. Disappointed.

“I messed up. Just once.” He confesses.

“Steve…” Bucky frowns more deeply, growing angrier by the second.

“I came back.” Steve explains, voice weak and feeble. “I mean, I will come back. To her. Because I regret it. Peggy and I have trouble…we were trying to have kids, but Peggy wouldn’t get pregnant so, I got very low.”

Bucky looks away from his friend, turns towards the water then leans his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands, sliding them up until he’s pulling slightly at his own hair.

“You’re gonna come back?” Sam asks, shocked too.

“I stayed—will stay for only a week, and it’s very important that Thor is here.”

“Why would you come back?” Bucky demands, lamenting at the thought as he looks at Steve then over at the house and back.

“Peggy is pregnant when I get back home. It is important that I go back.” Steve explains and Bucky scoffs, shaking his head as he gets to his feet.

“So, you’re not worried about what your coming here does to Y/N but rather the fact that Peggy is already pregnant, and you need to go back for her.” He’s so upset, and Steve can see that.

There’s nothing that Steve can say that will explain the complications of his new life. His chosen life. He can’t regret coming back to you, even if it was too late. He does regret having you as an option again because just a few more encounters alone where he might have penetrated that outer shell, then maybe you would have taken him back and maybe he would have stayed and maybe he wouldn't get to have lived the life he had with Peggy, but he would have had you.

You, who’d torn him up inside in ways that he hadn’t known were possible. Yes, he loved…loves Peggy but she couldn’t touch what you had. Two separate loves. Both deep. Both had seen him through a war, but yours had given him so much more.

Your love had seen him through the age of no hope. Peggy’s had been another hopeful light amongst the many in the fight against Hydra and the Nazis. Everything had seemed possible back then. Not easy but attainable.

You had put him back together when there were no possibilities left. When all hope had faded and all the two of you had was a broken, shattered, emptier universe.

He’d had you. And he had been damn lucky.

He knows what he did…he knows that he should pay for it. For how he hurt you.

“Can I see her?” He suddenly asks, looking back towards the house with such a yearning. His old heart, having lost Peggy, wishes for you. Wants you. But he’s old now. He’s got nothing for you.

“What?” Bucky asks, incredulous.

He doesn’t know if it’s luck or maybe fate, but as Steve looks back at the house again, the front door opens, and you descend the stairs by the porch looking just as pretty as ever. Young and beautiful. Your eyes are swollen and red, tear stains on your perfect cheeks. Your ever so kissable lips are pale and bitten through. Chapped but probably just as soft as Steve remembers…

You hadn’t let him kiss you that last time. He’s ashamed he had even tried.

You breathe in as you walk down, breath shaking as if you’re still sobbing it all out.

You have your shoulders slumped, drawn down and in against the world. The despair in your pretty eyes tears Steve’s heart to shreds.

His own pain, the memory of leaving you, is a ghost in comparison to the fresh cut you must feel. It’s been years for him. A lifetime. For you, only what? An hour? Two tops?

Despite the way he’d ripped out your heart, he can still see your softness. Those gentle, sweet hands that had coaxed him out of his own dark pit of despair when the Snap and its consequences had weighed heavy on his own shoulders. Even though you’re not smiling, he can actually picture it. Your honey smile so warming and soothing. Your laugh…that laugh…that soothing chuckle that had comforted him over and over.

Like this, even though you’re sad, he can still picture you eased beneath him, so open and his. All his.

His old heart feels the sting of jealousy as he remembers what’s to come.

It’s a strange and overpowering sensation because he hasn’t felt jealousy with Peggy in years. So many years. She'd been completely his and yes, he’s grateful…but you’re right there…and he gave you up.

Voluntarily. Idiot.

He gets to his feet, surprisingly spry for his age, and turns to look at you as you walk down the slope towards the driveway, keys in hand. His old car. Your car now.

You’re wiping your cheek with the heel of your palm, sniffling as you come close and as Bucky and Sam both rise beside him, Steve watches them draw your eye.

For a split second you almost smile. He recognizes the twitch of your cheek muscles but then your eyes fall on him and you halt.

It takes you a moment, but you recognize him. You see through the aged exterior and your lip trembles.

Steve can’t stand it.

It had been a bad memory for him. Something that crept into his dreams and gave him nightmares. The day he left one future behind to build another in the past. It had all been within reach and he’d left it behind.

Yet, here you are, feeling it all for the first time and it’s all made fresh for him. He wants to apologize and give you the world but he’s…he’s lived his life. Without you.

And that must be what you’re thinking too because your lip tremble goes away and he can see this truth, the truth that he’s lived his life in full without you having kids and getting married and finally giving up the responsibility of saving the world for someone who isn’t you.

What you'd once asked him for, “Let’s just go, Steve. We'll move out to the country like Tony and Pepper and we can start a real life together. We’ll have each other and if…if it happens then, maybe kids?”

Steve has been almost fast asleep and he'd hugged you close in his arms and dreamt of that future but he never mentioned it again and neither did you. He knows now that you never stopped wanting it. And Steve gave that to someone else.

All of that passes through you and he sees the hardness sets in.

This hardness he’s seen before—or rather the one he will see in two year’s time. This is the moment that sets it in place and he only just now realizes it.

“No.” He says, pleading with you to keep your heart open because he doesn’t want to do that to you.

He’s already done so much…not this too.

You look at your keys and because it’s his car, you drop them and head for the road to walk home.

You’re still so obstinate and if Steve wasn’t so worried about the pain you’re in, he’d be smiling because he knows, that’s my girl.

“Bucky-?” Steve begins, turning to his best friend.

“I’ll go give her a ride.” He tells Sam then looks at Steve. “You should stay away for now. Go home.”

“Bucky…” Steve repeats, feeling a twinge of sadness that even his best friend is upset with him.

Bucky doesn’t respond right away. He walks a few steps then stops and breathes out a huff of air. No matter how upset he may be with Steve for leaving you and then having the audacity to come back because things aren’t going as smoothly as he’d hoped, it’s Steve.

“Make sure you send me your address, Steve. We’ll catch up.” Bucky softens, nodding at his own idea. “I wanna hear every last bit of it.”

Steve smiles.

~~~~~~~~~~

With Fury back, you were able to relinquish your duties and with his permission, signed back onto the new S.T.R.I.K.E. team. But then you went rogue and left them after only a month and you’ve been on the move ever since.

You still receive the missions, Fury isn’t opposed to you getting them despite Sam and Bucky’s pleading. You always go alone. Dangerous. Reckless.

You don’t live in the tower or, hell, they don’t know where you have your figurative hero cape. They only know that you switch on your tracker when you’re on mission and back off when you’re done.

Bucky disapproves though he secretly hopes that you’ve found yourself someone.

Sam is annoyed about it by now. Especially since you keep intercepting their assigned missions and don’t even have the courtesy to invite them to go with you.

“She’s going to get herself killed.” Bucky sighs, quietly. Frowning, he looks at the date and leans back in his seat.

“What is it?” Sam asks, knowing that look on Bucky’s face well.

“It’s two years in a month.” Bucky points out, gesturing at the date with his chin as he crosses his arms over the tight red t-shirt he’s wearing.

“Yeah, so?” Sam asks, then he remembers. “Oh, right.”

“Do you have a way to-?” Bucky begins to ask, but Sam cuts him off.

“One God of Thunder, coming right up.” With that he leaves the room to contact Thor and get him back on Earth.

You’re pulled back in. To the newly renovated tower. Where he’d once been. Ages ago. When friendship was all you had.

He’s on that couch where the two of you sat and watched a movie. He’s on the counter where he leaned in close and rubbed shoulders with you and made you fall for him even more. He’s by the sink where the two of you washed dishes and splashed each other in a rare moment of sweet playfulness because Steve had always been worried. Always thinking of everyone else.

He’s at the meeting table, staring at you though back then you didn’t know what it meant. He’d wanted you, just as much as you’d wanted him. Picturing him pounding into you right up against that exact same spot and now you know he’d been imagining the exact same thing.

This place is full of him and his voice, all those faded memories of yearning and friendship, forever trapped in this space where the Avengers have returned. A haven for them. For you, hell.

You hate being here.

You shift in your seat, staring across the way at Thor who’s dozing with his head thrown back, mouth fallen open. He’s snoring lightly, his tangle of blonde hair less dirty, wavier, and still long. His beard is also left long but he seems to have adopted the braided beard permanently.

He’s still chubby. No…that’s not the word. He’s thicker. His stomach still rounded but a little less than before. He looks tighter. Strong, like a rhino.

He’s been here longer than you have and has changed into a pair of jeans and a plain olive colored t-shirt. It looks old, fits him loose around the neck exposing bronzed peach skin.

You tut, turning to look for Bucky or Sam. What did they want?

Thor snores loudly and sits up, startled.

“One more drink.” He spouts drowsily, before his eyes fall on you.

You watch him with a slightly furrowed brow, arms crossed over your chest as you assess him neither disapproving nor happy to see him. You’re just here.

“Oh, sorry. I guess I dozed off.” Thor sits up straighter, reaching up to rub at his eyes. “Haven’t been getting enough sleep.”

“Out drinking?” You guess.

“No.” Thor smiles, shaking his head, then stops and think. “Well, actually yes. I was fishing for information. There’s a man or…he might not be a man but he’s going from planet to planet selling what he claims are infinity stones. Fakes I think but…”

Your heart beats a little faster, “Better safe than sorry.”

“Yes.” He agrees, then he shifts and smiles at you, warmly. Like he’s happy to see you. “How have you been since…since…that day?”

“Busy.”

“What have you been doing, if you don’t mind my asking?” He probes and then gets up and moves around the coffee table to sit beside you.

You shift in your seat to face him a little better, drawing your leg up—or you begin to before you gasp near silently and lower you leg back down slowly.

“What?” Thor asks, concern immediately etched on his face.

Damn, you thought you’d hidden that reaction well.

“Nothing.”

“Let me see.”

“No, Thor. I’m fine.”

“You are not fine. Let me see it.” He orders, sounding more and more like the God of Thunder that you remember.

“I said I’m fine.” You gripe.

“And I said you’re not. Let me see your damn leg or I’ll go and get Dr. Cho and have her sort you out.” His threat is real, and you can see it in those sparkling eyes, one amber, one stunning blue, that he means it.

You resent him for a moment. You don’t need his help. Or anyone else’s. You don’t need anyone.

Reluctantly you pick up your right leg and turn towards him. You hesitate.

Thor gestures for you to lay it on his lap and with your heart full of trepidation, you do it.

“What did you do to it?” He asks, feeling it through your old and in great need of repair and a wash uniform.

“I hit it.”

He looks at you, eyebrows raised.

“On some goon’s face.” You explain.

You half expect him to fuss but instead, Thor surprises you. He huffs a laugh, the concern on his face still there but there’s also amusement. A sparkling eagerness behind his eyes.

“I hope you hit your leg hard on this goon’s face.” He says, feeling just below your knee.

“I shattered his jaw, so yeah. But he got me with a metal pipe he was holding before I did.” Guess, there’s no reason to hide the truth from Thor. He seems relaxed enough that you don’t feel like you’ll be chastised. You reach down and take hold of his hand. Sliding it up along your knee to mid-thigh. “Not there, here.”

“So, the pipe is what hurt your leg?” Thor realizes, eyes trained on your thigh as he gives it a gentle squeeze.

You gasp, wincing, breath stolen as the pain shoots through you.

“You should not be walking around on it.” He tells you, concerned, not chastising.

“I’m okay.” You assure him.

“Only you know your body’s limits.” He nods, looking back up at you. “But it would be better if you stayed off of it.”

You frown at him, irritated instantly. “And I said, I’m fine.”

“You clearly aren’t.” Thor argues.

Funny thing is though, even though he’s fighting you on this, it doesn’t sound like he’s judging you or…feeling sorry for you. Like Bucky sounds. He’s not getting mad, like Sam does.

You take your leg off his lap and limp around behind the old bar that has since been converted into a small kitchen, to the coffee maker.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” You tell him.

“Yes, I do. I have fought many battles. Injured myself countless times. Trust me.” He says with a smile in his voice. He’s having fun arguing with you.

Jerk.

“I don’t know if that’s something you should really be bragging about, God of Thunder.” You tease, still bitter.

Then you growl.

“What?” He asks with a chuckle, amused at your irritation.

Why does Thor leave his shit laying around?

“Thor…” You sigh, grab the handle, then limp back over towards him. “I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t leave your stupid hammer sitting around.”

You hold it out for him, and he stares at the large metal head with slightly disbelieving eyes. He follows the butt of the hammer to the handle then his eyes take in your fingers deftly wrapped around the black leather handle.

As he stares at it, you look at it again too. This hammer…could it be? “Is this the one that St…that he used?”

You faintly remember him carrying it around at the funeral, keeping track of it.

“No.” Thor says dully, still dumbfounded. “This one is new. I-I had it remade.”

He gets to his feet, towering over you as he continues to stare down at the weapon.

You give it a shake. “Oh, good. Take it. I want coffee and it’s in my way.”

“How-?” He asks, stunned but he takes the handle and relieves you of its weight.

You move back into the kitchen—no limp—and set to making yourself a cup of coffee.

“Do you want some?” You ask him and when he doesn’t answer you turn to look at him, and squeak to find him right behind you.

Face to chest. You follow his sturdy build up to his face, and blink. He’s all lit up with excitement. The smell of ozone permeates the room, but it’s sweetened by the smell of a coming storm and that ever floral scent that seems to follow him around.

It smells good. He smells good. And his heat, he’s standing so close, it feels right and like you haven’t been this close to anyone in years. Your mind is assaulted with scandalous images because this also reminds you that you haven’t gotten any in just as much time.

“What?” You ask, startled by him and your own thoughts, the counter digging into your lower back.

“I want to train you.” He states, so excited he’s almost vibrating with it.

“What?” You ask confused, thoroughly distracted from the comfort that his closeness is bringing you. “I don’t need any more training.”

Stupid man.

“Do you not know what you just did?” You shake your head. “You lifted my hammer.”

“Yeah, so?” You wonder, looking down at the hammer still held in his right hand.

“Only the worthy can lift my hammer.”

“Worthy? Worthy of what?” You ask confused.

“I was able to re-enchant the hammer and keep what made the first special and you are worthy, little dove. I cannot believe it, but you are worthy.” He assures you. “I mean, not that you being worthy is anything to be surprised at. You have always been sweet and kind and giving. You’re the only one who still believed me in me when I myself didn’t feel like I was worth-”

His words fade into a deafening hum, meaningless noise as you come apart.

Something about those particular words and the way that he’s gazing down at you and the closeness of his large body combine to fill your chest with an ache that you’ve been desperately trying to run from.

It catches up with you here in the tower where he is everywhere, with Thor pressing down on you, smiling at you like he’d smiled at you at one time. Thor tells you that you’re worthy when everything that happened two years ago tells you that you are evidently unworthy of many things.

His love for one. You hadn’t been worthy of his future and so he’d left you and here’s another man, pretending that you’re worthy because it probably suits the time and he’s lying too because he wants to use you like the other one did. He’ll leave you too and break you more and you can’t handle that again.

He’ll use you until he’s done and then be gone.

Thor’s hand slide down along your right bicep, along your elbow and forearm until his hand is able to grip yours.

The heat of his touch snaps you back from your grief and you rip your hand out of his grip.

“Don’t touch me.” You snap. “Don’t lie to me.”

“What?” Thor’s confused puppy face almost moves you, but you know it isn’t real. Everything he says is just a trick. Another lie. They all lie.

“I’m not worthy.” You spit.

“Little dove…” He begins and makes to grab hold again but you slide out from between him and the counter.

“I have a mission to get to and…just stay away from me, Thor.” You back away, heart absolutely clenching with agony. “Stay away.”

Okay, so you gave in. Mostly because Bucky kept begging you to just do the training.

“Think about it, sugar. It’ll be a whole new weapon for you to use on mission. And isn’t that what matters most?”

He knew what buttons to push to get you to agree. You’d be lying if you said that having Mjolnir 2.0 with you on mission wouldn’t be useful. So, you knocked on Thor’s bedroom door and with a heavy sigh you gave in.

“Fine.” You’d grumbled. “Train me.”

Thor’s smile had been blinding.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Hit me again, little dove. We will not stop until you can channel the lightning at full strength.” He urges you, staring at you from across a grassy field. Small yellow flowers shift in the wind that whips your hair.

“Did I ask to stop?” You retort, hating the way he seems to know you’re a little tired.

Thor’s pulled his hair up into a top knot that makes him look disgustingly delicious and you hate yourself for even thinking it because you shouldn’t, and you’ve worked so hard to make all of this okay. You’ve strived to be good alone.

You are good alone. Focus.

Channeling this energy through your body is exhausting. You’ve been working at it for two weeks and you’re still struggling with the power that courses through it.

Bruce had told you that Steve had been able to do it easily.

He’d lifted the hammer and summoned the lightning and it had all just fallen into place.

For you…why can’t you do it?

Thor chuckles at your squabbling. “Come on, little dove. Once more.”

You growl, mustering up all the strength you can and swing the hammer up into the air. The sky grows dark, waves of black cloud swirl and smoke, thunder rumbles, churning and growing louder before lightning splits the sky and flows down through the hammer into you in a dazzling show of blinding strobe.

It feels warm. Heated electricity that comforts and soothes. It makes you feel good. Like it’s been missing your whole life and now that you have it everything is just as it should be.

You turn to face Thor, bringing the hammer down as you watch him squat in his stance. You turn, swinging Mjolnir towards him and release it. It flies for him, followed by the searing white of your lightning and he’s blown back off his feet. The hammer he catches, but the surge of electricity is able to knock him off balance.

The sky continues to thunder, a previously unknown confidence swaying your hips as you strut towards him and stop only when you’ve reached his feet.

He’s laughing, Mjolnir held against his chest. He’s really laughing. His belly is bouncing with it, his t-shirt dirtied from flying through the dirt and grass, small yellow flowers litter his hair.

“What’s so funny?” You ask, thrown off guard by his easy mood. The sky overhead growling.

“You were born for this, Y/N.” He looks at you and fixes you with a look of such admiration that your heart begins to tremble. It aches but, in a way that you haven’t felt in so long.

You think back to the moments that stand out in your history, the ones where you felt exactly like this. Staring at Steve across from you at the gym. On mission, wishing you could follow him out into the fight. Sitting beside him at the little restaurant he’d sneak you to before you two got together and absolutely itching to reach over and grab his hand. The torture of listening to Nat try and fix him up.

Just like then, you long to reach out. You want to hold your hand out to him, help him to his feet. Kiss him.

Wait…no.

You shake your head, pushing these thoughts down as far as you can…it isn’t far. Your limits of denial are shrinking. Since Thor has come back, your life has begun to change again. Turning into something you’ve been desperate to avoid.

Over the past two weeks, it’s become harder and harder to ignore the way you’re feeling for him. Every moment spent with Thor has been more frightening than the last. Like a nervous cat, you jump and startle when he catches you off guard.

Your mind shoots to your post training ritual, when he takes you down to a small lake nearby. He sits with you and he shares with you the things he’s done. Adventures in space, chasing rumors of the stones if only to double-check. He’s traumatized too, in a very different way.

The broken parts of him come out then, laid out for you to pick and prod at. At first, you’d only sit beside him, relishing in the silence but as you spent more time with him, you wondered about the God sitting beside you. The one who’d been in tatters the last time you’d seen him. He doesn’t deny you the curiosity you feel when you’re truly alone with him. He seems to welcome it.

Despite his openness with you, he never asks you about Steve. And you’re grateful. Everything about Steve and your time with him still stings. It was your life. A whole future you’d wished and hoped for. After years of wanting and loving him, for him to just up and leave? Where do you go from that?

Thor can see you coping, and you can see him noticing. He’s very gentle with you, and very patient. You’re grateful. It only makes your heart waver and you hate him for being so nice. You wish he’d be repugnant and demanding and chastising like Sam. Relentless like Bucky. Pushing and pushing until you want to scream.

But Thor smiles at you when you sit beside him at the lake and he waits. He waits for you to speak. Waits for you to ask. Waits for you to sigh. You have a sneaking suspicion he’s still waiting for you to cry. To unload.

So, when he sits right next to you by the lake being patient and sweet and heartbreakingly open, you’ve begun to lay your head on his shoulder, and he says nothing. He doesn’t draw attention to the gesture. He sometimes leans his head against yours too.

You’re thankful because you’ve missed the comfort of contact.

This is what you’re fighting against. This is what you try not to think about when you’re with him. You push it away and focus on your training.

“When are you going to teach me to take a hit then?” You ask him, determined to ignore the way that he seems to fit right in with the wild grass and swaying golden flowers.

He stares up at you, considering you.

“Right now.” He booms, his hand shooting up into the air and the whistle of Stormbreaker pierces the air.

You reach out and call for Mjolnir off his chest and it comes flying up into your hand, just as Thor’s lightning comes raining down from the sky to singe the grass where you stand with an earthshattering boom as partner.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you alright?” He’s asked you like a million times already. Your clothes are fine. Your hair is fine. Your skin is…a little charred, sure, but only lightly dusted in black and only in certain spots.

“Yes.” You grumble, hating the way he fusses. You’re also really regretting asking him to forgo the lake session. You felt too tempted and you’re trying to resist.

He’s in your bedroom, to make sure that you aren’t exhibiting any aftereffects from wielding the hammer. You’re not enhanced like Steve had been. You’re just human. And you’re fairly sure he started out the lake sessions for this exact reason.

You’re made stronger by the hammer but when you aren’t wielding it, you’re just you.

He’s quiet, and you forget that you’re trying to keep your emotions—and to an excruciatingly sharp degree your body too, because, damn it. You want Thor—at bay.

“Hey,” You begin inquisitively, suddenly remember seeing Thor change from his regular clothes to his Asgardian armor in the blast of his lightning when he’d wielded Mjolnir years ago.

“Hm?” Thor asks, plopping down on the end of your bed—Sam forced you to take a room in the tower. A room that Fury had previously prepared for you in case you decided to come back into the fold.

Thick plush baby blue blankets with canary yellow sheets. The room is painted with rich plums and pinks, the ceiling dark espresso oak.

You keep your back to him as you open your drawers and pull out a new t-shirt and some pants to throw on when you get out of the shower.

“If I do that whole clothes changing thing that you do with your lightning,” You begin, pulling your workout thermal up and over your head leaving you in your plain black sports bra. “Will I also get some Asgardian armor? Or is that just a you thing? Because it would be so fucking cool if I could get some Asgardian armor. Ooh, can I pick the col-?”

There’s a sharp hiss behind you and you turn quickly to see what’s happened, your shirt still wrapped around your forearms.

“What?” You ask, startled.

Thor gets up from your bed and moves to you, turning you around forcefully so that he can look at your back.

“Is this why you’re always wearing pants and shirts with sleeves?” He asks.

Fuck. Oh, well. This is your new reality. He was going to see it eventually. Still, your mind is in overdrive, analyzing everything he’s saying because you did the same thing with Steve and you hate yourself for being like this. For hoping when you know you shouldn’t.

For your own sanity, you need to let this go.

“It’s nothing, Thor. They’re old.” You assure him, unashamed. These are your battle scars and they are true to who you have become. If he sticks around long enough, maybe you’ll explain it to him someday?

He takes one heated finger and traces several six-inch-long scars at the center of your back. The puckered skin long since healed. He presses against the tiny ones. The ones where bullets went in. One of his hands wraps around your side and moves up along your ribs feeling for the exit scars. He finds them and presses his palm to the largest while his other hand moves on to trace the largest of your scars. It starts at the center of your back and moves up over your right shoulder, stopping just at your collarbone.

It’s wide and long. This one was the one that almost killed you. And Thor is suddenly holding you. Both arms pulling you back against him.

“These are not nothing.” He grieves.

“You should stop touching me.” You tell him, very aware of the pounding in your chest now.

For a second, his hands lift from your skin, hovering like soft feathers against you, barely touching.

“Why?” He asks defiantly, putting his hands right back where they were. He almost sounds like he could be pouting but you’re too afraid to look.

“Because…” Now you hesitate, knowing that this is a road you shouldn’t travel. This is something that should stay buried. You’ve been great alone until now. And yet, you confess, “It feels good.”

Thor’s hands grow firmer, splayed out along your war-torn skin. Your war, but a war all the same.

“And I shouldn’t. I can’t.” You sigh.

“You should.” He whispers, his lips now hovering over the shell of your ear. Hands tracing your sides. “Let me take this grief from you. Let me show you that it can be good. That things are not lost. Let me comfort you. Let me lo-”

“No.” You almost sob. “Don’t.”

You know what he’ll say, and you don’t want to hear that lie again. Never again.

“Since the moment in the hangar when you saw past the shattered man I’d become and gave me that seedling of hope…I’ve lov-”

“Stop.” You gasp, again refusing to hear that lie. “You don’t even know me.”

“I’ve known you for years, little dove. But you’ve been distracted.” When Thor’s lips find the skin of your neck, you melt back against him.

Your body wants this. It wants his touch. And the fear in your heart is fading fast.

Thor’s hand slides down along your side, lovingly tracing your scars as he goes around to your front and down along your tummy until he finds the waistband of your pants and with his nails softly raking against your skin—it’s so good it makes you shiver—he slides his hand down to cup your mound, his middle finger sliding up and down your suddenly pooling folds.

“You’ve been alone for too long, little dove.” He whispers and he’s right, but you wanted to be alone because this…

“Wait…” You shake your head, snapping out of the lust your body demands. “No. You’ll—”

Thor moves his hand out of your pants and turns you around slowly, hearing your ‘no’. Why does he have to be so good to you?

His long blonde hair is still wrapped up tight on top of his head, his beard tickling the nape of your neck until he’s got you facing him.

“Why must you fight it?” He licks his lips and pulls you closer, his hips now pressed against you.

“You’ll leave.” You tell him, and it’s the fear talking. Fear that like Steve he’ll go, and he very well might.

Thor, more than any of the other Avengers except maybe Carol, has left Earth for years at a time.

“You’re right.” He nods, staring down at the shadows of uncertainty in your eyes. He smooths his thumbs across your cheeks, caressing the sides of your face slowly as your heart falls with his admittance. “I will leave.”

You look down at his chest and shut your eyes, fighting the new wave of sadness that threatens to shift into barbs. Wild and steel made to cut and build that wall back up to make them all keep away.

Why can’t he just drop it? Why is he trying?

He’s like Steve. He doesn’t care. He’ll abandon you.

“And when the time comes for me to return to whatever I might need to do, I will take you with me.” He says, almost amused by the look on your face.

Your eyes shoot open, searching his own for the lie.

“But you-”

“If you would let me speak, then I could tell you that I have wanted to be with you since the moment you kissed my cheek and told me that you would always believe in me.” He sighs, reaching down to wrap his arms around your waist and pull you against his full belly and broad, once again tight chest. “I’m a sucker for a sweet woman who believes in the best of me.”

“I’m not ready for this, Thor.” You sigh, feeling lighter than you have in a long time but worried and sick to your stomach with fear. “I need time.”

“Then time you shall have.” Thor nods. “So long as you know that this is where I stand. Waiting. Impatiently. Can I kiss you now?”

You almost smile because he’s been anything but impatient.

You really want him to do more than kiss you, but you nod. He leans down smiling and eager. You press his beard down against his neck to keep it out of the way as you push yourself onto your toes to meet his softened, pink lips.

He tastes like honey and wine and his kiss is out of this world.

Thor stares at you, eyes wide open as your own stare right back into his. The two of you are laying on his bed and he’s got his hands crossed over his chest while yours are wrapped around your knees, folded up as far as you can get them.

Today is a hard day. It’s been two years exactly since things went wrong.

No. Not Steve.

Yes, that had been life changing and it had destroyed you but that wasn’t when the destruction had truly started…

“What do you remember best about her?” Thor asks, his voice as gentle and warm as he can make it.

You think for a moment, staring at him because if you look away, you might fall to pieces like you did last year.

“Mmmm, I remember the way she saw things.” You smile, a sad, weak little thing that makes Thor smile too.

His is encouraging and it helps give you the strength to finally talk about this after two years of wishing that things had gone differently.

“When I first met her, she asked me why I wasn’t out in the field.”

“Why weren’t you?” Thor asks, curious.

“I wasn’t as well-trained as I am now. Back then I had a tendency to make small mistakes. I learned. I’m better now. Much better. When I told her that, she shook her head and I remember she holstered her gun, looked me right in the eyes and said, ‘We all make mistakes. Just make a few more and eventually you’ll make the right one.’”

Thor smiles a bit wider.

“Did she shrug?” He asks. “I can almost picture her shrugging as she said it.”

“She did.” You nod, smiling more genuinely. “She-”

You hesitate, staring at his inquiring face with a small bit of fear. You haven’t had this conversation yet.

“What is it?” He asks, reaching out to take your hand. “Tell me.”

“Before Steve and I…before he went on the run with her and Sam and Wanda, she knew how I felt about him. She saw right through me. Asked me why I hadn’t told him.” You look down at his chest, avoiding his stare because you don’t know what you have left over for Steve in you.

Apart from the anger, there’s a reason your heart still aches when you think about him.

“Why didn’t you tell him how you felt?” He wonders, no sound of judgement or jealousy in his voice.

“He’d told me once—or rather, he told her that I wasn’t his type. But I was right there, in front of him.” You can feel the weight of his words settle over you again.

You should have known back then. When he’d said that, he’d been telling the truth. You’d been the closest to his type maybe? The second choice. You weren’t Peggy and clearly she was his type. You should have believed him when he said it and saved yourself all this suffering.

“I should have believed him and not kissed him that night.” You lament, turning your gaze back on Thor finally. “I knew better. He’d said it himself that I wasn’t what he wanted but I kissed him anyway and the Snap brought him to me. Out of desperation and because I was all that he could get.”

Thor’s face darkens, eyebrows drawn close, chin flexing as your voice begins to break.

“Of course, he’s going to leave me the first chance he gets.” You sob. “What I don’t understand is why he kept it going for so long.”

You sit up, pulling yourself together as best you can as you push his blanket down a little so that you’re not so covered.

You’re in your sleep shorts, refusing to get out of bed on this second anniversary of Nat’s death. Shorts you wear only when it’s just you and Thor. He doesn’t judge your scars and they’re on every inch of you because you’d been reckless for too long in your battles before the needs of others became more important than burying your sorrow.

And here it comes, pouring out of you now, because you finally have someone that will just let you release it without making you feel bad or weak for it.

“I wish she was here. I miss her. I miss her voice and her counsel.” You explain as Thor sits up slowly to scoot closer, arm resting beside you but not touching you yet. “She knew him best and I wish she could explain it to me so that I can understand because-because…”

You should stop. You shouldn’t tell Thor this.

“What, my dove?” He asks, this time wrapping his arm around your waist as he scoots even closer.

“I-” You feel heavy tears fall onto the blanket, dull thuds against fabric and mattress. “I went back to the apartment last week. Where he and I…I was looking for some of my old clothes. Things to move in here. And I…I…”

You sob hard but keep your voice low, a whisper as you shake your head before you bury your face into your hands, refusing to say it.

Thor reaches up to grip your wrists and pulls your hand away easily, exposing the raw weeping face beneath.

“Tell me.” He coaxes.

“I f-found a r-ring.” You gasp, breathing in then out comes a quiet keening. Only Thor will hear you. “H-Hidden in his sock drawer.”

Had his love for Peggy really been that overwhelming that he’d planned a future with you? Hoped and dreamed like you had that there would be more to this life with you then abandoned it when the opportunity had presented itself?

You meet Thor’s eyes, biting hard on your bottom lip as you choke on your grief. Grief held in. Grief that you’d buried. Grief that you’ve clung to. Time to let it go.

You also don’t want to need Thor. You don’t want to need anyone, but you know that without Thor, you would still be chasing the mission. Chasing the high of a capture. Chasing the violence because the wreck inside you needs an outlet.

You do need Thor. Trying to deny that is not going to change that fact.

“I w-wasn’t enough.” You cry.

Thor shakes his head, reaching to wipe at your tears as he pulls you in to kiss him. Again, and again. Long pecks.

They’re searing, heated kisses made to chase away your sad thoughts and it works.

“You’re enough, little dove. You’re almost too much.” He jokes and you sob and laugh at the same time.

“I wish she was here.” You cry, renewed grief making you cry a little louder. “I miss her so much, Thor.”

“We’ll go see her.” Thor tells you, meaning the gravestone that had been erected for her. Even though her body isn’t there…she’s there. “As soon as you’re willing. We’ll go.”

His consideration only makes you cry harder and he kisses you more. He tries to chase it all away with his lips and at first it doesn’t work like it did moments ago.

Until it does, and your sobbing subsides.

He wraps both arms around you, twisting to lay you down gently against his pillows.

You’re breathless as he pulls back to yank off his shirt, his pot belly taut, smaller than before, but still there. His pecs have hardened, his arms are still massive and bulging. He waits with it off. Waiting for your rejection or acceptance.

“Don’t stop.” You gasp up at him, sitting up to pull your own shirt off then laying back down.

“I won’t.” He promises, excited by the go-ahead, then reaches down beneath you as you arch your back for him to unhook your bra and throw it with the rest of your clothes onto the floor.

It takes him seconds to get you completely naked. He makes a quick pass of his lips across every scar on your body as he slides back and off the bed. He stands to strip away his own pants as he admires your naked form.

Your own eyes roam his new perfection. His cock is huge, peach and swollen, throbbing as he climbs back over you.

He kisses along your ankle, up the inside of your calf, your knee, and thighs. Here he sucks gently, marking your flesh with his love bite before he delves between your folds to taste your soaked cunt.

Too long. You’ve been wanting this for too long. Alone for too long. He was right to tell you that before.

He’s lapping up at your clit, suckling gently on it as his hands slide up along the bottom of your thighs, pushing your bent legs up higher until your hips are almost lifted off the mattress so that he can get a better angle at your entrance.

His tongue dances along the edge, nose nudging your clit before he worms it along inside, tasting you.

You gasp, reaching down to cling to his long blonde hair as it falls around him. He grunts at your tugging but he’s gentle with you, stripping away at your protective layers until your undulating beneath him.

Your grieving sobs have turned into nectarous whimpers and Thor is absolutely frantic on your cunt as he races back up to your clit to lick and bite, coaxing your body into the most powerful orgasm of your life.

You fall to pleasurable pieces there with his head between your legs, your hands locked in his hair, toes curled, body trembling.

He eats you out until you’re overstimulated, twitching, and your moaning has subsided. Then he kisses your stomach, once again pressing his lips to those bullet and knife scars, stopping on the one that had almost killed you at your clavicle, where he licks and leaves another love bite.

“How did you get this one, my dove?” He wonders, your body still recovering.

Breathless you look down at the scar he means as he traces it with his fingers, his chin and beard shining with your arousal. You wipe at his face, embarrassed by how wet you got…but it had been a while!

“I um…I was in Japan. A village called Kiso. I didn’t realize I was walking into a trap. T-two guys had really, really long blades. They got me from both sides. One from the back—that one I couldn’t stop. One from the front which I blocked after he cut me a bit. I killed them and I almost bled out, but some villagers found me and got me to a hospital.” You run your hand along the back of his head as he rests it on your left breast, tracing the scar with his finger still.

“I should have come back sooner.” He laments, looking up at your face.

“I wasn’t ready for you then.” You tell him. “I’m not sure if I’m ready for you even now.”

Thor pushes himself up, staring at your face for a moment before he looks down at your breast and while he turns his eyes back on you, he opens his mouth to take in your perked nipple.

He sucks on it softly, tongue lapping around it in circles.

You gasp, overcome by desire again. You fist the hair on the back of his head then pull him up to kiss you.

Tasting yourself on him is intoxicating and empowering. Here he is, marked as yours.

You push against his shoulder and he rolls over until he’s on his back and you’re settled on top of him. Rocking your hips back until his cock pokes against your cheeks.

“You’re ready for me now, aren’t you, little dove?” He asks, slowly rubbing his hands along the tops of your thighs.

You reach down between your bodies, line him up, and slowly sink down on him until you’re absolutely full.

Thor’s hands are vices on the tops of your thighs, and he groans as you take him in his entirety.

You cry out, your walls stretched and out of practice. You can feel him throbbing within you and your walls are velvet waves against him.

“You’re so perfect, my dove.” Thor says, almost in shock, throwing his head back against his pillows as you’re wrapped around him. “So perfect.”

Slowly you begin to rock your hips, feeling the splendor of his massive cock slide in and out over and over while his hands explore the curves of your body, one hand squeezing your breasts while the other thumbs your clit.

“Thor…” You whimper, trying to move faster but already your legs are numb. Still recovering from your first orgasm.

He suddenly sits up and places his hands on the curve of your ass and helps to pull you back and forth faster. You wrap your arms around his shoulders and kiss him hungrily, moaning into his mouth as he leads you to fuck him.

You come hard and fast, breaking the kiss to bite into his shoulder as your body goes rigid and then continues to tremble as he keeps going.

“That’s it, little dove. Let me make it better.” He says happily, then turns you over to lay you down on your back once more.

He settles over you, pelvis to pelvis, his mouth open against yours as you gasp and moan into him while he pumps himself in and out in long smooth waving thrusts.

“Doesn’t that feel good, my dove?” He asks, and you nod, still riding your high.

“Yes.” You whimper, tracing the shape of his shoulders as he dips his tongue into your mouth.

He licks and kisses along your chin, down your neck as he moves faster, thrusting hard. He pounds against your nub, that band in your pelvis tightening and moments away from snapping again.

Thor’s movements become more frantic as he chases his own climax. His hands grasp your shoulders, holding your body flush against his own as his lips find their way back to yours.

He pulls back, staring into your eyes for two long seconds as your body tightens once more.

“I love you.” He whispers, and your heart sears painfully in your chest.

Your stomach is in flutters, nervous, excited, terrified, as his words register. Your lips open to respond. To return his feelings. To tell him that you feel the same. You love him too. Yes.

You do. You see that.

But you can’t say it.

The band in your pelvis snaps and your body is yanked into euphoric pleasure once again as Thor’s last thrust explodes within you.

He groans, mashing his lips to yours and you kiss him back eagerly, returning his love in the kiss because you can’t say it…you can’t tell him.  You love him. But this is all you can give him. For now? Forever?

What if he leaves you?

He breaks your kiss, his lips gliding down along your cheek to your ear as both your bodies tremble together.

“I love you.” He whispers again. “Always.”

In the aftermath of your first night with Thor, he becomes less platonic with you in front of the others.

He doesn’t outright kiss you or hold your hand when they’re around, but he shows it in some subtle and not so subtle ways.

His more subtle ways include him serving your food first or giving you first choice of drink. He makes sure that you have a blanket when you state that you’re cold. And he brags to Stephen and Wanda about your skills with Mjolnir. For those really watching, it’s hard to miss. But everyone is living their own lives and they don’t have time for your drama.

The day that everyone actually finds out, you get up from bed and pull on a plain gray tank top—you’ve been less careful of your scars since that night with Thor—that you tuck into a pair of loose pink and white striped pants. They’re tied up with a matching sash, casual and easy for a lazy day in the tower.

“Where are you going?” Thor asks, rousing from his slumber, rubbing at his eye with his large fist. His hair is a mess, a nest of golden hair that needs brushing. His beard is already braided neatly, fastened with a thin, tiny black band.

His large shirtless body is scrumptious in the late morning and you move to the bed to crawl over him and kiss his lips, smoothing the worst of his bedhead.

Here in the safety of your room, and occasionally his, you can be open with your affections. You don’t worry about the stares that the team might give you or the questions that might follow.

You don’t want an audience to this if Thor is going to leave you in the end. For now, you’ll enjoy this for what it is. You’ll keep it quiet. Thor doesn’t seem too worried about letting them know either so…you’ll keep it to yourselves.

“I’m hungry.” You tell him.

“Stay here, I’ll go get you something.” He springs out from under you, shifting to the edge of the bed to pull on his pants, t-shirt quickly pulled on too.

“I wanna go.” You counter, and because it’s what you want, Thor doesn’t protest.

“I’ll come with you.” He says, getting to his feet, yawning.

“You’re still sleepy.” You point out and he moves around towards you, pulling you in for a long-held hug. Last night’s debrief had been a long one. New bads making a name for themselves up north and it’s starting to look as if the entire team will be needed.

“I am.” He agrees. “But I’m hungry too.”

You’re about to protest but if he’s hungry too…You head out, pulling out of his arms but when you turn, he reaches down to grab hold of your sash.

Like a puppy on a lead, he follows you through the hallway, into the elevator, down the steps of the upper deck, and down to the lower common room holding onto your sash.

This gesture draws Bucky and Sam’s gazes, their breakfasts abandoned. They stare, slightly openmouthed, while Rhodey sits back in his chair, observing curiously as he sips his coffee. Wanda covers her mouth, smiling underneath while Peter beside her drops his bottle of water on the glass table loudly where it splashes and makes a mess.

Stephen, already standing at the kitchen counter, looks from your easy expression to Thor’s hand as he clings to your pants and follows you behind the counter. He says nothing however, just watches.

“Are there any pop tarts?” Thor wonders, just to you, but everyone can hear him.

You push yourself up onto your toes and pull open a cabinet to look inside. An unopened box of unfrosted strawberry pop tarts sits waiting for consumption.

“Yep.” You grab it and hold it over your shoulder for him while you reach in with your other hand a little deeper in search of the box of breakfast bars you’d bought last week.

Thor releases your sash and wraps that arm around your waist as he leans down to kiss your neck, taking the box of pop tarts from you.

“Thank you.” He says so that only you can hear, and your nervous heart flutters.

He’s kissing you, holding you, in front of everyone. You’re terrified of it but also ecstatic because it means this is real…but how real? Will he leave you? Will he break you?

You turn back to look up at him, searching his soft smile for a sign that he’ll change his mind. That he’ll rip this away from you and leave you, just like-

“Steve?” Wanda asks, her voice speaking your mind.

You turn away from Thor, twisting in his hold to look at Wanda in confusion. Can she read minds now?

But her eyes are trained on the upper floor, at the top of the stairs.

Everyone is already looking up, Bucky is on his feet, hands clenched into fists. He looks angry.

You follow their gaze and you very nearly faint at the sight of Steve in a pair of dark brown high-waisted pants, and a light blue button up, staring down at you with glistening blue eyes. A million questions for you because you’re still in Thor’s arms.

“I’m back.” He tells you—because he’s only looking at you—and he waits, while the shock wears off in you and something else takes its place.

Support me on Ko-fi

Forever Tag List @jessieray98 @crist1216 @rainbowkisses31 @xxloki81xx @the-wayward-robot @quokkatrash @tiffanynguyen03 @basementcafe @kind-sober-fullydressed @moli1497 @badassbaker @awkwardfangirl2014 @shield-agent78 @supernaturaldean67 @sea040561 @jewelofwinter @this-side-of-midnight5 @sebbystanlover-vk @just4muggles @death-unbecomes-you @lilulo-12 @whosmarisaaarw @hiddles-rose @pandazlazykid @alagalaska @theonelittleone @xlittlestarling @moonlessnight14 @natura1phenomenon @pineapplebooboo @spaghettirogers @dsakita @sincerelytlh @booklover2929 @lovefreylove @just-trying-to-survive-marvel @vulpecula-minor @fallinginlovewithqueue @babytrollgirl @wildefire @fairislesheets @mother-of-fire-snakes @xrosegoldwolfx @queenoftheunderdark @mrsdeanwinchester19 @thefridgeismybestie @mcuwillbethedeathofme @peaceinourtime82 @baebeepeach @teller258316 @juustpeachy420 @libbymouse @avxgers @septixtrash

Heavy Is the Hand You’re Dealt @jennmurawski13 @musingpredilection @greyeyedsmile14 @beautybyfire @voltage-my2dlove @marvelouspottering

Steve Taglist @patzammit @darkdragonpheonix @lostinthoughts23