#i know its 2 am and the suicidal thoughts are stupid and dumb and not true and i shouldnt do anything

[s-e-a-s-l-u-g]

crashed so hard from my manic episode and now I just feel like shit.

[nathanialhowe]

Dragon Age OC Lineup

Richter (Ricky) Cousland. -> Human. Sword & Board Warrior. He / Him. Bisexy. -> Lawful Good/Stupid to Neutral Good pipeline (still stupid) -> Romance: Morrigan but there was a lil something homosexual happening with Alistair for a bit if i'm not mistaken. In the end pragmatic and probably evil coochie won out sorry brother. -> Meat? There's heft. Really big. but hes like shy about it hes like omg? am i packing 12 inches of uncut beef? whaaat. ermmm. do u still like me? 😳

Ricky is ignorant, naive, a little classist, dumb, self-sacrificing, trusting, loyal, brave, spineless in his beliefs cus he thinks he's stupid, and will trust people in positions of power more often than he should. He likes it when people tell him what to believe cus then he doesn't have to do any hard thinking. This changes a lil bit in that he loses faith in a lot of the institutions around Ferelden and the greater world but he still doesn't like to do any big deep thinking about stuff <3 He's also a deadbeat dad and Idt he knows how to parent Kieran very well lmao. he used 2 be rlly uptight abt his appearance/cleanliness until oggie called him a stupid rich pussy and now hes like eh whatever abt being waist deep in hurlock cunt or whateever

Batman Hawke. -> Human. Mage. Iforget what kinds there r in da2. She/Her. -> Chaotic Neutral to Chaotic Good probably probably but shes reluctant to do "good" shit cus she doesnt really want to deal w ppl being like omg youre ms nice woman cus she's a bit of a self-hating poor who will not examine her freshly minted privilege ): I wouldn't say she's easy to manipulate thru appeal to pathos but if you're annoying enough with your sob story she will probably Consider. -> Romance: all of them like i literall had anders t posing in the back of the hawke estate while isabela and hawke rawdogged in the next room over lmaoaaa....Like canonly id say its like BatmanxFenris and Fenris and Batman are also with Isabela and Isabela is ALSO with Merrill. anders is there. idt batman actually recruited anders i think he got all intense on her and she was like damn lets ball ok but then he got too extreme and she was like dude im literally; strugling to care abt mage rights rn can you put a lid on it and then he was just following her around to mansplain why shes wrong. fair. she learned like nine new slurs from him. -> Meat? Biggest. like so big shes like which staff do u need tonight babygirl 😂😎 heyoooo and then gets left at the hanged man

Batman likes money and having stuff. <3 She likes beaing rich but she's really tacky about it. shes grubby and gross and is like im bringing wolfcuts BACK adn its like a shitty mullet <3 she goes into situations like ok explain why this involves me? and leaves while u r talking about ur missing wife or whatever. real "i dont want to talk abt politics at the table" type of shit shes on. i havent thought too hard about batman hawke but shes like passively suicidal but very cool about it and is 6ft and buff and has huge boobs and huge meat. she wants to be mr steals your girl but goes in for the high five at the worst possible time and doesnt realize shes actually the biggest failgirl of all time. i cant stress this enough she is NOT cool. "fake it till u make it" shes saying as shes applying 50lbs of eyeliner in the morning and shes crying but doesnt think u can see and she lies abt why her eyes r all red and says shes just smoking pot again. she should just be working at a waffle house but shes here.

Kronk of House Trevelyan. -> Another Human. Big Surprise. Rift Mage. -> Lawful Neutral to Lawful Evil pipeline but probably he was always a schemer and a social climber. -> Romance: Josephine and Dorian do not make me choose between them but if I'm being honest I don't know who'd want him. probably he fronts as way more kind and charming than he actually is and i DO think when kronk is loyal to someone he is ferociously so. but it takes a lot like that dude had half the inquisition hate his pussy so bad lmao. -> Meat? Yeah He's Got It but also if Kronk could cease to be a person and become, like, god? he'd do it. then meat wouldnt matter. (hes on some crazy copium) Actually he's thick as hell and chunky and all and is built like a brick wall but im going to be brave and say he's probably not packing a crazy amount like ricky and batman and if they ever found out theyd tease him abt it cus hes such an asshole lol

Kronk does bestieship with Vivienne and would destroy people's lives to see his allies in positions of power. he'd declare himself divine if it was possible. he's a self-hating mage and loves the circle. he doesn't necessarily have Faith in the circle OR in institutions but he wants to make it so they benefit Him and doesnt gaf about if theyre hurting other ppl who aren't in his #crew. (his crew is very small cus most ppl cannot stand this dude btw). he threatens to make ppl tranquil for the fuck of it and follows thru most of the time. he'll lie and cheat to make his way to the top but he wont get his own hands dirty <3 he loves knowledge and learning and power <3 he doesn't actually care abt money but he cares about status cus it will create avenues for him to pursue evil magic or whatever the fuck this dude wants. type of guy whos like yeah world domination sounds fun i could do that then he's in control and hes like FUckckkkkkkkkkkk im so bored. ok public execution time! or something. mostly he's a nihilist and doesnt have faith in his fellow man. he wants all the secrets of magic revealed to him <3 he doesnt like templars but hes like fine whatever we can deal if they wanna keep all other mages (NOT ME) under their thumb. "circles are great but u wont catch ME going back to mine!" type of guy. i resent that inquisition suggested the inquisitor was a huge Hawke fan cus kronk would fucking hate her new money ass. like shes just so stupid about things. ricky hates this dude btw their first meeting would come to blows and i think he was like morrigan can u just blow this dude Uppppppppp and she was like erm no. we cannot blow up the inquisitor and ricky was like farkkkkk ok. i just dropped kieran on his head again btw honey what do i do ):

Mingus R. Shepard.

Mingus.

[imnotreal-png]

>:) -- Entry 1

OK i just smoked a joint after i wrote the date and now im kinda chillin but imma still yap on dis hoe.

I am a loser. Like a huge loser, okay? Like im not dumb or wtv, i may have reached a weird and insane level of self awareness, but im just as much of a loser as anyone else.

I keep catching myself trying to people please and overstepping my boundaries and justifying it with "oh everyone else does it, so what, its normal" like ok dumb bitch that doesn't make it okay, get a grip.

But i will be yapping away abt alot of stupid bullshit i deal with and stupid things make me sad. I am very well aware that I am irrational, but these are things i feel in those moments that i always hold in because i don't want people 2 see that weak side of me. It's embarrassing and it's not me.

In truth, i have nooo idea what i'm doing. I have 0 clue on where i'll be in the future. I didn't think i'd make it this far and not on some suicidal shit (idk if u can say that word here, oops.), i just genuinely thought that i'd somehow perish?? Like i wasn't really real in some weird way. I just didn't exist. Even though i was always the center of drama or the cause of all things chaotic, i was always misunderstood. god that's so fucking cringe but hear me out.

I always said shit that i believed was clear enough to be understood and yet it wasn't. Even my tone apparently has been rude this entire time. But no one would actually tell me how i come off, they just ate it up in silence and then spaz on me. Even now i don't really understand because i truly believe i am very clear on what im saying. Yet it's still...not seen the way im trying to show it? Idk if im making any sense bruh but whatever. Maybe im narcissistic but no one understands my brain the way i attempt to express it...or i guess how i see it. Idk i guess im just frustrated that no one understands me or gets my brain.

Also it's super cringe when people tell me im mature for my age. Literally eat my shit. actual ick. get away from me.

I hate my mom. She hates me too but she hates me bc I'm not the pussy she wishes she was when she was my age. She's the most childish person i know. I genuinely do not care what she thinks of me whatsoever. She's just power hungry and immature. Actually, I don't even hate her, i just hate that she gets to have all this power over me. I just want my freedom, thats it. She can hate my lifestyle or whatever the fuck, as long as im not living with her. At the end of the day, im truly content with who i am as a person and my moral compass etc, she cant affect that. I just need to have my own space and leave her household to finally be free and actually experience life in a comfortable and more peaceful way. I guess that's all i can say rn. I just wish she would respect my boundaries and stop treating me like im her competition and she'll always be superior. She won't and i cannot wait for the day she finally see's that lol.

!! super irrational moment alert !!

LMAO this is super cringe but like when i started music i put "listen 2 my moozik" in my bio bc we say muzik in albanian but americans wud have 2 read it as moozik to get it right + its funny? Ever since i started rlly getting exposure and performing out there, all these NON SLAVS/BALKANS have started putting it in their bio's 🙄 like be fr, its sooo obvious (at least to me). And now some of these mfs i've interacted w startes stealing my lingo and the way i type [this isn't how i type when i txt friends. its worse and i shorten everything in a miserable way cuz its funny] and it's cute at first but now mfs on social media posting the way i do and talking the way i do. [insert side eye bc yeah] and it's kinda cringe cuz they're actually rlly shallow and mainstream people, they just look like they trying 2 hard to be quirky. lol.

im probably tweakin tho idk.

i wish i grew up with art. i wish my parents had that and were able to introduce it to me. I feel like a fraud when i try to be creative and do things. Even with making music. As much as i enjoy it and love it and it really does make me happy, it feels fake. I can't play any instruments, i can't sing, im far from a good writer, fuck if know anything abt music theory...i literally just click buttons and make sounds on my computer lol. I didn't grow up indulging in art and creativity, i was actually always super bad at it. I wish i had a deeper connection with it. I wish i understood it better. I wish i expressed it better. I wish my ideas were my own. I want to be able to create something that is truly mine without feeling like im a fake.

UHHHH so imma just come on here and vent whenever i feel like i have something i need 2 say. This is intended for the void, if u come across it...cringe.

[shutupanakin]

Wasting Your Time ch.2

tw for suicidal ideation

“Wh— what?” Tommy choked out, his voice hoarse from the lack of use all day.

The man rolled his eyes, as if he didn’t just ask a completely impolite question. “I said, do you have any booze?”

Tommy sat still. He reached into his jacket pocket, his hand finding only a plastic pen. Could he stab this man with a plastic pen?

Tommy pulled said piece of plastic out, visibly holding it up. “I have a pen.” Something about the bemused look on the man's face made Tommy click it, and again, repeatedly.

click click click click click click click click—

...

or; Tommy planned on dying. He meets Wilbur instead.

...

Tommy goes back to the station. Wilbur makes him think about his relationship with Tubbo and Ranboo.

first chapter here crossposted on ao3 here

Tommy is a fucking idiot.

No, no, no, it went beyond that, beyond that plain idiocy, Tommy was a fucking moron.

He desperately wanted to just forget about the deal he made. It sat in the back of his mind, collecting dust and forming cobwebs. Whenever he began to think about it, whenever he opened that door and the sun would hit it with its light; Tommy promptly closed it.

But it would always just creek back open, whenever Tommy was sitting in a lecture and he felt like tearing his hair out. When Tommy had managed to hang around Tubbo and Ranboo, and he felt like screaming , throwing a fit, wanting to make his existence known. When he had come home and Tommy would make himself dinner and sit at that stupid empty table alone because Sam was working or studying.

The light would hit it, and Tommy remembered he had a bet of wills to win. Against fucking Wilbur Soot. That pretentious prick.

Tommy is a fucking idiot because he came back. The 11:25 train was coming in, Tommy was alone on this stupid platform. No old lady to distract him, to make him hesitate, no one was here this time to make him reconsider against just—

He could—

He could just—

No.

He had a bet to win.

Tommy glared at the lights, the train skidding to a perfect stop in front of him. Tommy entered swiftly when the doors opened, grabbing the same spot at the back as he did last time. There were two other people at the front. Not together, he would imagine.

He threw his leg up on the plastic seat, ignoring the nauseating feeling that was settling in his stomach. What if Wilbur was just screwing with him? What if he didn’t show up?

Why would he? There was nothing that he personally gained by showing up. It was a bet of wills. Maybe he made this deal to give himself some peace of mind, a pity play. To keep the random kid he met in the middle of the night alive, to give the man a heroic ticket. Look! It’s Wilbur Soot! He saved a child from his own stupidity! A self-righteous savior play.

What a dick.

Tommy wondered if Wilbur was thinking that way about Tommy, too. If he was waiting for the tube to come, debating whether or not he showed up. Whether or not Tommy truly didn’t make it to the end of the week, or if he thought Tommy decided he had better things to do with his time.

Tommy was determined to prove him wrong.

They were slowing. Tommy screwed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to glance out the window, he didn’t want to be disappointed at the lack of that stupid mess of brown hair. The doors hissed open and Tommy didn’t open them.

Tommy counted his fingers.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

“You look stupid,”

The doors whizzed shut, Tommy's eyes snapped open.

There was Wilbur Soot, with his stupid glasses and dumb-looking Bush and Reagan jumper and Tommy was wishing that he was less relieved to see the man.

“I win,” Tommy blurted. Wilbur took his place, sitting opposite to Tommy. “I made it to the end of the week.” I proved you wrong.

“Think you can do one more?” What?

“I said nothing about that big man,” Tommy objected. “if you wanna do this again we’re gonna have to put money on it.”

Wilbur rubbed his face, exasperated. “I am not gambling with a child. I had a buddy for that.”

“I am seventeen,” Tommy objected. “Where’s your buddy now?” He sneered.

Wilbur shrugged. “Unavailable. I can not talk to him anymore.”

Tommy picked at the thread, resisting the urge to pull it. “Why is that a fucking pattern with you? Can’t talk to this person, can’t talk to that person— do you just get into the habit of making people dislike you?”

“Do you dislike me?” Wilbur pushed.

“I’m trying to,” Tommy told truthfully. “it is kinda a shit thing to do, though— to drop friends. Act like they don’t exist anymore.”

The train stopped. No one got on. Tommy found himself grateful for that.

“Why did you get the bee pin?” Wilbur asked, Tommy's eyes fell down to said pin, resting easily in the fabric of his jacket. He had forgotten about it, truth be told. No one had pointed it out or asked about it. Not even Sam, who he got the jacket from , when Tommy saw him had pointed it out.

“Oh,” Tommy said. “The bee. Uhm.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Reminds me of my friend. Tubbo. I guess. He has this thing, yeah? For them. Since we were kids.”

Tommy remembered, when they were kids, when Tommy’s parents were still alive and Tubbo’s hadn’t split yet. They were in his yard, Tommy was throwing around a baseball. He was getting better at throwing, he couldn’t wait to show Sam— when Tubbo had yelled for him to look. He thrust his cupped hands into Tommy’s face, showing him the bee he had captured.

Tommy had been around Tubbo in person twice this week. If he saw the bee pin he didn’t say anything

“Why are you not hanging around him then?” Wilbur asked, and Tommy bit the inside of his cheek. He knew the answer to that. He just didn’t like it.

“I don’t think he wants me around anymore,” Tommy admitted.

Another station. One of the stragglers at the front left.

“Why do you think that?”

“What are you trying to do?” Tommy snapped. “Psychoanalyze me? Am I your fucking psychology research project or something?!”

“I am trying to help, you irrational child,” Wilbur stressed.

Tommy relaxed, the glare that had grown on his face only dropping a bit. “I… I— there’s this guy, Ranboo, and I like him, alright? Like he’s cool. He’s from America— living with his cousin, yeah? One of my brother's friends. That’s how we met. I introduced him to Tubbo and—“

“They got along better than you thought,” Wilbur finished.

Tommy nodded. “Yeah,” He was picking at the thread again. “it’s not like… they completely ignore me. They still invite me to stuff. And ask me if I want to play Minecraft. But it’s third-wheeling, right? Like nothing, I say lands with them. I don’t think they do it on purpose, because Ranboo is such a people pleaser; the biggest one I know, and Tubbo's so fucking clingy. He’s a pushover, too. But they have fun together, whether I’m there or not, it doesn’t matter. So why— why bother getting into the voice call, just to sit there talking to myself while they enjoy each other?”

“So you are feeling left out,” Wilbur concluded. Tommy shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s why I like talking to you.” Tommy admitted. “Because you listen to me, the things I say have a bigger impact than a pebble on the pavement. With you it’s— it’s like a crater. But I don’t need to be a world-destroying asteroid when I’m talking to you. I can just be a pebble and still get my point across. You listen to what I say and you respond.”

With them, it was like he was a ghost. Like in Phasmophobia , or something. They’re trying to communicate with him, but are only hearing every other word. Incoherent babbling. With Wilbur, they’re both ghosts— making fun of the idiots with their magic boxes trying to communicate with them.

“Aw, Tommy,” Wilbur cooed. Tommy threw his hands up.

“And you ruined it, you’ve ruined it, Wilbur Soot. You are terrible, downright awful. I’m never saying anything positive about you again.”

Wilbur grinned mockingly. “Oh, Tommy— it is alright that you like talking to me!”

“Fuck you!” Tommy retorted. “You’re a fucking wrongen!”

“I like talking to you too,” Wilbur offered.

They stopped again, someone had gotten. They spared a mere glance at Tommy before sitting in the midsection.

Tommy crossed his arms. “You’re okay I guess,”

“You should probably get on that though,” Wilbur said, Tommy looking at him questionably. “talking to your friends, I mean. Figure things out. I mean, they are doing it on purpose, they are shit friends.”

“They are not!” Tommy hissed. “They’re not doing it on purpose. They wouldn’t.”

And he was right, they wouldn’t. He’s known Tubbo forever , they’ve been stuck together since Tommy could count— so what if Tubbo might have gotten sick of him, just a little? It’s not on purpose, he knew that! But he had someone new to hang around, someone else to laugh with, someone to tell the same jokes he told Tommy and they would laugh because they would be new. Tommy gets it. He does! That doesn’t mean Tubbo was—

That didn’t mean Tubbo was a bad friend. It’s not on purpose. It’s not.

Ranboo was well, Ranboo. That guy couldn’t hurt a fly, even if he wanted to. He had been in the UK for a few months at this point, Tommy did his job of being the placeholder friend— he showed him around, he was his friend when he didn’t have any; now he did. He still cared about Tommy. Tommy knew that! The— the stupid fucking good morning texts, the ridiculous little signs he’d leave in Tommy’s house in Minecraft, the checkups. Ranboo was a good person.

And Tommy? Tommy wasn’t. But he tried.

So if he was jealous of that, of that relationship, of that quick forming bond— he kept his mouth fucking shut.

“They’re not,” Tommy repeated. “I don’t want to ruin their fun.”

“But you are not having fun,” Wilbur pointed out. “and if they are your friends they should care about that.”

“And what am I supposed to do then?” Tommy cried. “They’re all I got! If I— if I lose them then have nothing. I’d rather sit and deal with it than just lose them.”

Tommy meant it, in the most literal way possible, that he would rather die than lose them. He’d rather have died knowing they still cared about him even just a little bit than live not having them in his life.

Another station and Tommy glared at the doors, daring anyone to enter.

No one did.

“You are scared,” Wilbur said.

“I don’t like being alone,” Tommy admitted. He shook his head. “Nope, I’m done talking about this. I’m done.” Topic change, topic change… “Why are you wearing that stupid jumper again?”

Wilbur looked down, pulling at said jumper. “It is… my Tuesday jumper?”

“That’s lame.” Tommy deadpanned. “Of course you correlate your outfits with days of the week.”

“You are literally wearing a varsity jacket, you do not play a sport.”

“Hey!” Tommy exclaimed. “It’s my brothers! And— and why the fuck do you have a Reagan and Bush sweater, anyway?! You’re fucking British!”

“It is cool ,” Wilbur dejected. “A friend and I used to go on eBay and buy American President jumpers.”

“Nerd.” Tommy yawned. It was late. “Lemme guess— you don’t talk to this guy anymore either?”

“Yep.” He said, popping the p. “After I left he got divorced, or something, I think. Bad luck.”

“It’s because he buys U.S President jumpers off of eBay.” Tommy pitched his voice lower. “Sorry, can’t pay the bills this month Sandra! I just couldn’t resist this two hundred pound Obama sweater.”

Wilbur stood up, and Tommy realized that the train was slowing. Oh. Were they going back to that shop then?

“Come on,” Wilbur gestured. “you can get another pin or something.”

“I’m going to get scammed again,” Tommy grumbled, bouncing his legs as he waited for the doors to click open.

“You are helping a small business,”

“‘You are helping a small business’, shut up.” Tommy drawled. Someone who was on the platform entered the front, not sparing a glance at Tommy.

Tommy walked alongside Wilbur, exiting the station. They passed a woman who was standing outside a pub, smoking. Tommy only nodded at her.

“Can you tell me what got you banned now?”

“I do not think I will,”

He groaned. “Oh, you cryptic bastard— what if I do the same thing you did and get banned too? Who am I supposed to go to in the middle of the night to get pins?”

“You are gonna get pins again?” Wilbur asked. Tommy nodded his head.

“I think so. I kinda like the bee, and nothing else in there has really interested me, ya know? Could use more of them on this,” He gestured to the front of his jacket.

The blinking sign came up, Tommy standing underneath it. “I will be here,” Wilbur said.

“This is ridiculous,” Tommy complained. “what happens if you go in? Can’t bygones just be— bygones? Is that how ya say it? Jack seems nice. I’m sure he’s not as much of a prick that you’re making him out to be.”

“Nope,” Wilbur shook his head. “No can do, Toms.”

“Ugh,” The bell rang, the door shutting behind him with a thud. Jack Manifold sat at the counter, face leaning on his hands. His eyes met Tommy’s as he entered.

“You again?” He greeted, rather rudely. Tommy gave a small wave, approaching the bowl of pins, looking through it.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” Tommy joked, picking up a circular white pin. An empty smiley face stared back at him.

“We have to stop meeting in the middle of the night,” Jack corrected. “what are you doing out this late anyway?”

“Work?” Tommy said it more like a question, pulling out his wallet. “Late night shift, that. Yeah.” Tommy cringed. Jack didn’t question it, taking the two pounds Tommy had placed on the counter. Tommy turned the pin in his hand, clipping it into his jacket. “Thank’s Jack!”

“See ya kid!” He called, Tommy swiftly exiting. Wilbur stood waiting for him.

“What did you get this time?” He asked, Tommy held out his jacket. Wilbur squinted at the smiley face. “That is ironic.”

Tommy punched him in the shoulder, lightly, keeping his pace with Wilbur. “It’s not for me dipshit,” Tommy explained. “Sam—my brother— has this friend, Ranboos cousin actually. He’s got this stupid fucking hoodie. Ugliest shit I’ve ever seen man, bright green. He’s like a walking traffic light. Has this giant smile on it. Reminded me of him. Everything about that guy. Fucking weirdo.”

“Because he wears a smiley face?”

“No,” Tommy said. “Because he is American .” He emphasized.

“Ah,” Wilbur realized. “That explains it. Perfectly reasonable explanation. You ever been there?”

“No, but Sam has. He studied abroad there for a few years before—“ Nope. Tommy’s night was picking up. Nope . “Anyway, he came back. Friends with a bunch of them too.”

“I have been,” Wilbur hummed, reminiscing. “California. La Jolla. Sometimes I wish that I stayed.

“That sounds made up,” The cool nighttime air disappeared as they entered the underground again, descending the stairs.

“It could have been. It was nice, sunny. More than here. Cleaner.”

“Why don’t you go back then?” Tommy pushed. “If it’s so much nicer there than here. If I had the chance I’d get the fuck out of here too.”

Tommy did not want to go to the states, fuck that. But oh, what he would do to be able to just leave. Travel. Not have to stay in one spot. That sounded nice, being able to pick up and leave whenever he felt claustrophobic. He couldn’t though, because he had Sam and school and Tubbo and Ranboo and he’s standing in quicksand and he’s sinking and he can't get out —

He’d go to Rome first maybe, if he could pull himself out of the quicksand. Berlin? Paris? Ugh, the French. No. Vienna would be nice. Tubbo’s mom lived there. Tommy remembered that he would visit her there during the summers. He’d always excitedly show pictures he had taken to Tommy when he had returned.

“I can not leave,” Wilbur answered, Tommy’s attention snapping back to him.“Stuck here for a bit, unfortunately.”

“Oh,” Tommy frowned. “Well, that’s something we have in common I guess.”

When the train arrived, they boarded. This time, there was a group at the front, engaging in an incoherent conversation. Tommy didn’t bother eavesdropping, snatching his spot at the back.

“You want to make another deal?” Wilbur asked, sitting down.

“Like, we do this again? Do you still think I’m gonna jump?”

“Maybe,” Wilbur admitted. “You sounded like you wanted to earlier.” Tommy knew what he was referring to, to his word dump about Tubbo and Ranboo. Tommy was hoping that he would forget that. “I want to add something to it though.”

Tommy's eyes glinted. “Money?”

Wilbur glared. “No. I am not giving you money.”

“ Ughhhh—” Tommy leaned back. “Come on, I’ll stay alive for money, okay? I’ll do that. I’ll take that bet!”

“I want you to talk to your friends. Tell them what you told me.”

No thank you , he was not doing that. The train stopped. No one got on, the group didn’t leave.

“Now that bet I’m not taking. You can keep your money.”

“Tommy.”

“No— no you don’t get it! That will ruin everything!” Tommy expressed. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. “I’m not going to ruin it for them.” He affirmed.

“It is being ruined for you though,” Wilbur hummed.

“Fuck you,”

They stopped, the group got off. A man entered.

“Listen to me,” Wilbur said. “They are not going to hate you. They are not going to hate each other either. You tell them—“ He pitched his voice. “‘Hey guys, I am feeling ignored and like I am third wheedling but I have been avoiding telling you that because I think it will ruin your fun’ mememememe—“

“I do not go mememememe !” Tommy argued. Completely inaccurate imitation.

“Do that,” Wilbur continued. “If it goes well, come back, right? If it fixes your fucking communication issues, come back here.”

“That’s your bet?”

“Mm-hm.”

Tommy was going to develop a gambling addiction, or something. If that was how that worked. He didn’t— he didn’t want to tell them, he couldn’t! Why should he ruin everything just to prove to this asshole that he was wrong?!

“And if I don’t show up, I’m right. I proved you wrong.”

“I am not wrong though,” He teased.

“Oh get your head out of your ass!” Tommy scolded. “You’re so full of yourself aren’t you?!”

“I am not full of myself,” Wilbur tapped. “I just know when I am right.”

“You’re a bitch.”

Wilbur didn’t hesitate. “You are a gremlin.”

Another station and the man had gotten off, glaring in Tommy’s direction. Tommy resisted the urge to flip him off. It was just them now.

“You’re going to be proven wrong by a gremlin, then I’ll never have to—“ Oh. “I won’t ever see you again.”

“We better hope I’m right then!” Wilbur laughed, clapping his hands together. “That would be unfortunate.”

It would suck, Tommy agreed. Because man, was Wilbur Soot fucking irritating; but if he lost Tubbo and Ranboo this week, he— he wouldn’t show up. Because he won. Wilbur would enter and there would be an empty seat, and he would know he lost.

Maybe, maybe Tommy could fib. If that happened. Act like they went okay. It was up in the air, Tommy was already building the lie that he would tell to Wilbur in case that happened.

“Alright, Wilbur. I’ll take that bet.” Tommy decided.

“We need to find a different word for that,” Wilbur said. “Bet. That is morbid—“

“You’re morbid.”

“It is morbid,” Wilbur continued. “Placing bets on human life. It lessens the value, takes it— and makes it hollow, and if we are hollow, what are we then? We are no better than the people that glare at you when you laugh, or the ones that complain about a delayed train.”

“Wilbur,” Tommy said, slowly. “It’s a word.”

Wilburs shoulders fell. “Words are powerful, Toms.”

“I think calling it a bet is okay. Right? Because it’s a bet on me.” Tommy explained, carefully. “It’s at my own expense. Nothing is being placed on it, it’s... it’s more of a test of wills if anything.”

“A test,” Wilbur repeated.

“I hate tests.” Tommy rambled. “We both have a thesis, opposites of each other, and we’re both trying to prove the other wrong. Like a science experiment or something.”

“I could work with that,” Wilbur calmed. The train stopped again. It was Wilbur's stop. Another night, ended by a train station. Wilbur stood up, standing at the doors, waiting for them to open. “Farewell, my fellow science experiment.” Wilbur joked, Tommy groaned, he didn’t agree to being called that. “See you next week!”

“You hope!” Tommy called. Tommy hoped, but he wouldn’t say that either. A man brushed past Wilbur as he exited, not sparing him or Tommy a glance as he sat in the midsection.

That heavy feeling returned, settling in Tommy’s stomach. He would have to face Tubbo and Ranboo, this week. Probably a conversation that would be easier to do in person, so he would have to wait a few days. It wasn’t just his friendship with them on the line now, anymore. He had the curse that was Wilbur Soot and being bad at lying. His poor, poor unfortunate luck.

Tommy, for the first time all night, pulled out his phone. A few from Ranboo, but nothing concerning. No indication that Sam had caught him. Thank god.

Tommy got off at his stop, not giving the man a glance. The possible things he could say to them running through his head as he ascended the stairs, he needed to word it out carefully. Maybe write like a notes app vent, or something. He needed to think this through carefully. He would do that tomorrow, though.

Right now, he wanted to go home, and collapse on his bed and pretend the last to Tuesday didn’t happen. He could live with that. He would be perfectly contempt with that!

But he couldn’t, unfortunately. He was cursed with the miserable existence of Wilbur Soot.

[takaraphoenix]

Fic Writer Review

Thanks to @light-miracles​ for tagging me! <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

As of this week, 1004 fics! :D”

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

8,052,836 words and counting ;)

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

Gosh that depends on how you define “fandom”. Like, does the Rise of the Brave, Tangled Dragons fandom count as one, because the crossover makes it one fandom, or would you count the movies individually? Same goes to DC.

The way I would count it, I’d say 27. Counting all the DC properties under the DC umbrella as one, same for the crossover fandoms.

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful (Marvel, Loki/Tony, 6245 kudos)

The Lion’s Pride (Voltron, Shiro/Keith/Lance, 5615 kudos)

Percy and the Ghost King of Summers High (PJatO, Nico/Percy, 4680 kudos)

Percy Jackson, Ambassador of Hades (PJatO, Nico/Percy, 3841 kudos)

My College Boyfriend (PJatO, Nico/Percy, 3613 kudos)

Deadass, this feels like a glitch. I have written seventy-nine multiple-chapter fics. By virtue of having multiple chapters, they tend to draw in a bigger crowd of people. And even if not, I could think of a dozen of more deserving oneshots off the top of my head, at least. I do not understand number 5 at all, it makes no sense, I have 1004 fics and by virtue of people clicking a button, this incredibly... mundane... not-even-3k-long fic is the fifth place for most-heart-button-clicks...? Like, it’s not a bad fic, it is just... impossibly boringly slice of life? Nothing happens in it? It’s not even one of the long oneshots where a lot of plot or feelings - or heck even insanely kinky smut I’d get - happens? I truly can not fathom what made this story so much more worthy of clicking the dumb heart-button than all of the hundreds of stories that have... so much more going on in it...? My brain genuinely can’t comprehend this.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

Always. Because it feels like the polite thing to do. Sadly, receiving comments is not a given. Even when people like a fic - especially on AO3, with its cop-out “just click here to leave a heart” alternative, and yes I absolutely do think that that’s part of why many people don’t leave comments, because they are so conditioned through social media to think that a like-button is all it takes to communicate. So, in this comment-economy, I do think it’s worth to say thank you to those who do take the time and make the effort to leave actual feedback and truly let you know they enjoyed the story or what they enjoyed about the story.

6. A fic you've written with the angstiest ending.

That’d be a Beyblade oneshot from my German fandom days that was unrequited love ending in a suicide.

7. Do you write cross overs?

I used ot greatly dislike crossovers, because they only cater to a very specific group of people where those fandoms actually overlap for. But then I came across the whole Tangled/Brave/RotG/HttYD crossover fandom and it kind of took me by surprise. Opened my eyes to crossovers and since then, I’ve dipped into quite a couple different kinds of crossovers.

8. Ever received hate on a fic?

Were you really a fanfic author in the 2010 decade if you didn’t receive hate from the censorship and purity cult? Or, heck, in the beginning of that decade, from the homophobic “ew slash ships are evil and gross” crowd? :/

9. Do you write smut?

You could say that, yeah. *chuckles*

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

*ugly sobbing* I hate wattpad--

11. Ever had a fic translated?

I have been asked for permission more often than I can count, but I just... I just don’t like that? The thought of my fics on other people’s account, even when they do give credit to me as the original author.

And a bunch of the stolen fics on wattpad were, indeed, people who just decided to translate my fics and post them, all without my permission.

I did translate one fic myself though, because I wrote it when Germany passed the marriage equality law, so I wrote it in German and then figured I should also post it in English. ^^

12. Have you ever co written a fic?

Yes, I have! With the very lovely @kimmycup! ^-^

13. All time Fav ship.

ALL time. I think I have to go with Kaito/Shinichi from Detective Conan. It’s, by now, the ship that’s been with me the longest in an active way. I still get excited about them, I even wrote a fic for them just last month to celebrate my 1000th AO3 fic.

14. WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

*looks shamefully at Animexx* Basically all my old Beyblade fics. I dropped out of that fandom too suddenly and it doesn’t help that they’re in German and I’ve stopped writing in German.

15. Writing strengths?

Writing speed and the ability to plan ahead; both, when I write a fic as well as planning my schedule ahead.

16. Writing weakness?

Endings? I really struggle with when to end a fic and how.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

It’s stupid and unnecessary. Use italics and note what language they’re speaking in. Like, look, if it’s a language you actually speak, I can understand the temptation, but 90% of those include an A/N about how the author used Google translate for that and just... why.

And I straight-up hate when authors then don’t include the translation directly behind the spoken part but rather at the very end of the chapter... I don’t... I don’t want to scroll down to look at what I am just trying to read in the middle of the chapter and then have to find the place I was before? It completely breaks the reading flow.

I think that petnames, even some phrases, do make things more authentic, when you’re writing bilingual characters. But when it’s entire dialogues, that’s too much and should just be indicated that it is being said in another language.

18. First Fandom you wrote for?

Yu-Gi-Oh!

19. What's your fav fic you've written so far?

It always depends. I have a lot of fics I am very proud of, or that I think are incredibly well-done. But for me my favorite fic would be defined by the one I enjoy rereading the most. Within the last year or so, I’d say it’s probably The Lost Soulmarks, but there are a bunch I’m bouncing back and forth between and it’s also always up to what fandom or pairing I’m craving. There’s no one holy grail fic that I hold over all others, I guess.

Tagging @kimmycup, @fallenqueen2, @miazeklos, @donnas-troia, @justonemorechapternicercy

[punk-rock-uncle]

A final good bye and final log out

This is not a suicide not so no need to worry. Many of you that follow me probably barely remember my blog, it wasnt very big or fancy. I barely know how to code or make my blog look like anything but, that is neither here nor now. I wanted to say good bye I have a bad habit of leaving without saying anything and disappearing for weeks at a time. I guess abusive relationships will teach you that. I went silent on this blog around 3 years ago when I started college. But I wanted to talk about why I started this, the ending will be saved most obviously till the end. I started this blog in a way to find friends, in 2012 internet friends were all the rage and I wanted to be a part of that so I started a tumblr. But was not active on it till 2014. In high school I grew a bit of a following around sophomore year 2015. I would constantly rant on this account and people would watch but not say much. It bothered me a bit that I was never “Tumblr Famous” but I knew people who were, so I would live on through them. Tumblr a lot in high school, I was too afraid to do anything but I knew in the back of my mind that I would get there in my own time. Tumblr, in that sense was kind to me and never made me feel like I had to be pressured to do anything and would constantly educate me from maters of social justice and the Black Lives Matter movement, sex education, gender expression, sexuality, art and astrology. I saw all the drama and surprisingly enough stayed away from the super toxic side of tumblr pushing minors to do more and more and more.  It was safety net and whenever my parents would do what they do best I always had the arms of my blog to run and cry to. It made the darkest days a little brighter, people reblogging free movie sites and calming gifs were my saving grace when I was 14 and suicidal. As high school went on I found myself in a relationship and put all my time, money, effort, energy, my whole being into this one person who would end raping me an using my past against me. I was still active and would talk about him on here including our fights. But as the fights got more violent and heated, the less I would post about him and one day all together I stopped posting on here, for what I thought was for good. I wanted to reach out on tumblr and ask “is any of this normal?” “why do we fight so much?” “is it normal for your partner to make you feel this afraid?” “is it normal for them to talk about sex 24/7″ “is it normal to feel afraid and cry during sex?” I wanted to reach out so badly. I knew I couldn’t and it was a stupid reason why I couldn’t. I was afraid of the judgment, because no one here talks about the small intricacies of domestic violence and how it breaks down every part of you. So I went quiet, I stopped talking about him, stopped posting him and he never care. I was put on meds after he raped me, stopped sleeping and eating. After the meds failed to stop the development of PTSD I started smoking and drinking heavily. After all of that I stopped being on tumblr because things were not the same and stuff that made me happy before just stopped bringing me joy. I thought no one here would care about what I have to say and his words and actions confirmed that even more. Eventually I broke it off 8 months later and my friends never believed me that he was abusing me. Life is better now, I lived abroad, I have an apartment with a new boyfriend, hes nice we have our ups and downs but we came from a hard life so someone loving you is a hard thought to accept for both of us. We both have toxic cycles we need to break but he’s good and he’s teaching me to be kind. I would love to continue on this hellsite but I have other things now, bigger and better things. I am just simply a ghost now of a website where I used to poor out all of my traumas and for one last time I will do that. For any 16 year old who stumbles across this post please read through till the end (if you can) because I want to tell you things I wish someone told me at 16/ entered my first relationship.

Your bf, gf and/or partner should never do/say these things and other small warning signs of DV 

1. if sex hurts a lot for you it is because you are not comfortable, communicate this and if they refuse to understand why leave 

2. If your partner scares you so much to the point where you have a panic attack thinking about them, then leave 

3. you will fall out of love in your first relationship, as shitty as it is, it’ll happen. It’s okay, you can leave. Just like you out grow clothes you will outgrow people. 

4. let people leave, I know this is hard to accept but people will leave and the universe will have something in store for you 

5. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE HAVING SEX AT 16 IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 19 IT IS NORMAL!

6. it is normal for you and your partner to have conversations about what to say when people constantly ask you if yall have done the deed it is not normal for your partner to tell you to lie and say you have (when you havent); leave if they do this trust me 

7.If your partner is asking about sex 24/7 and its making you uncomfortable then say something, maybe they don’t mean any harm by it! but if once you’re done with the convo and it didn’t make you feel better you should leave 

8. its okay to leave 1st relationships aren’t meant to last 

9.something my mom said that made me feel better: just because you’re breaking up now doesn’t mean you’re breaking up forever 

10. please don’t force yourself to have sex it’s a very toxic cycle. Easy to get into but hard to break out of 

11. you can be alone, you don’t have to date all the time

12. if your partner's parent is bullying you tell your partner that it makes you uncomfortable talk to them about it. Now I understand parents are hard especially when your 16 and younger (hell parents @ 21 are still tough to deal with) and if your partner says “well I can’t tell them off because of xyz” then make a compromise on how to deal with the situation. If your 1st partner’s parents don’t like you it’s not the end of the world and if bugs you that much YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 

13. on the other hand if you tell your partner, they don’t take it seriously and they still beg you to visit their family then leave, you’re not married you’re young I will probably say this a thousand more times BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 

14. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE, YES IT WILL SUCK, YES YOU’LL CRY AT EVERYTHING BUT IT IS OKAY NOTHING IS PERMANENT AND THAT IS A GOOD THING 

15. do not waste your first relationship on couples counseling ( yes I did that and he still owes me $250 for the session I was dumb & 17 don’t get mad @ me) 

16. if your relationship makes you extremely angry leave, that anger means something, listen to it. 

17. if you are like me and was raised in a very abusive household with parents that constantly abuse you just know that not every relationship is like that and you won’t be like them but, you have to actively work on it not just say it out loud (BUT it does help saying it out loud, v comforting) 

18. if you break up, stay broken up (sometimes it works out for the better if they really want you they’ll try) 

19. NEVER LET YOUR PARTNER’S MOM DICTATE WHERE YOU GO TO COLLEGE TRUST ME YOU WILL REGRET IT 

20. if you are begging for the basics leave 

21. if they ignore your food allergy leave 

22. if they’re a mama’s boy please leave 

23. if they ignore your fears leave 

24. if they think violence is casual and necessary for relationships leave 

25. listen to their ex’s even if you take it with a grain of salt please listen 

26. if you need to come up with an escape plan you’re in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship 

27. it’s okay if you don’t have the courage to leave right now but know, you can’t stay forever 

28. if they use past trauma against you, leave. 

also a word of advice for friends who know people who have been in DV situations

1. if we trauma dump just know we are sorry but please stop us and talk through it later (if you can) 

2. don’t ask why they didn’t leave sooner it’s not your buisness 

3. we don’t know we are being abused, if you know but we don’t please be patient. The mind is a tricky thing. 

4. DO NOT SAY “how did you not know” “you’re stupid for not knowing” “you’re making it up” “told you so” or anything else condescending, we feel stupid and we just want support 

well that’s all I have folks! Thank you tumblr for all the laughs and all the cringe.  I hope this post is insightful and please feel free to add on.

love <3 

Punk-Rock-Uncle :) 

[hellbabyfromhell]

i was writing a small thing and then it became big... just my thoughts about my life as of today.

the asks people sent when i told my whole stupid story about my dumb ass life were really very kind and sweet.... i read through them sometimes.... im not trying to Fish for anything when i say this but like... idk the situation i was in made it really hard for me to leave without feeling bad, and they’d thought up every way to in some way make me guilty even though objectively there wa literally nothing..... idk just, me personally i take every bad emotion a person i care about is feeling or might possibly be feeling or may feel at a future time and i soak it in like a sponge.... so they knew if they made me feel bad enough it’d make me stay.....i guess i kind of already made a post about this but some people sent asks about having gotten through situations like this, and people generally like.... expressed pride in me... lame but ever since i disconnected from everyone i ever knew before my dad died excluding maiya and online friends..... i guess what im saying is ever since my dad died and i lost that familial feeling of living in dc because i had to move, and i was far from anything i knew... i felt so, so so weak and frail, and living in my old situation was crushing me up into a tiny ball.... i feel stupid saying it but it feels good when people are proud of me ; _ ; and im proud of me too.... i really felt so small, and i was like genuinely despondent and ready to die, but i realized like.... with all the crazy ass shit that had happened to me, it would have been so easy to just Die..... and for 2 years i was barely present, but i like....survived.... and really, that was a bad time. i used to scoff when people would say i was strong for that, because i’d think: “what’s so strong about not dying...” because it felt like a suspended plan frankly (grimace emoji im typing) but i also decided that i would try as HARD as possible to NEVER act like teen me again.  because right up until my dad died, i was a brat who was unwilling to take in feedback.... i wasn’t Bad or anything (questionable) but i’d go to therapy and goof off because i was very flippant about it in a passive aggressive way.... like, CLEARLY this STUPID BULLSHIT wont help me so ill be REALLY sarcastic about it! im cool! i kind of realized it after my dad died but LITERALLY i never did ANYTHING to help myself! like, i’d get really sad, but i’d make no real effort to change that, and i thought it was ANGST and MALAISE and ENNUI, and it was that, but it was also my unwillingness to step into uncharted territory: developing myself as a person consciously lol. at therapy i never took anything in and was too busy trying to make light of my situation that nothing ever got done, and i realized i never took any advice anyway.... like, when people say “try meditation”..... like Duh thats a stupid reply but also like.... Have you? i hadnt until recently.... and guess what! it didnt work at all! but i am like willing to try literally anything (within reason) and i want to ACCEPT everything just like.... 

i was SO ADAMANT about rejecting like...... idk Norms?????? as a teen , i really dont know what my aim was but it wasn’t working and i was making people annoyed because i’d whine and whine over my problems but never do anything to fix it, and i’d go and say “NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!!!” with like 5 people messaging me. idk just, life was handing me little tools with which to improve and better myself and i refused. i was a fool at therapy and i was annoying and SOOOOO depressed but weirdly comfortable with it simply out of unwillingness to change  my habits.....you know? and after my dad died, like... everything i previously felt was just......i just realized how incredibly petty it all was? NOT t say im not petty now, but i was like GOD DAMN i was suicidal.... over that? like i was really crying and freaking out over THIS? my two years of like PTSD cocoon  smoothed it out to the point that it almost just feels like i was thinking for a really, really long time, and only came to when i felt the answer coming on. i’m not saying i don’t still grapple with self pity and stuff but i kind of blinked and absorbed the WORLD for the first time...... i really wasn’t living life yet. i was 19 which is Older than 18 and i lived with my dad and his gf and i was fresh out of high school doing a little community college.... like i was walking around dc and having a grand old time going to the cliff and the woods and then id go home and talk about how badly i wanted to die..... i just like.... i decided that i CANNOT waste any more of my time acting like that because i wasted my most precious time, time with my dad, acting like a crybaby. i’m just disgusted thinking about how many opportunities i had to be happy and have a good time that i DECIDED not to take. and i can’t even really explain why still, but i just know i can never ever be like that ever again oh god the bird is tweeting its mornign sorry im back... just SORRY that was my roundabout way of saying like... i guess i have changed and like a LOT, and i DO feel strong... so thank you for caring about y progress!! AHH!!

[whatevenismyaestheticidk]

Things I’ve heard high schoolers say pt 3

Person: it’s to early for me to be alive right now

Teacher: who invented math? Student: Lincoln.

Teacher: You feel as if you get low marks on this 5 paragraph essay you’ll end up poor and homeless and addicted to drugs. Student 1: Yes. Student 2: That’s exactly how it works. Student 3: I mean… you’re not wrong.

Student: It’s called panic and I do it well. I do it very well.

Student 1: I need to get glasses. Student 2: I need to get a will to live.

Student: Physics eats brains for lunch and sucks ass for dinner.

Student: Fuck you Perry the platypus!!

Student: he’s an Asian white supremisist. How does that even happen.

Teacher: After treating him like dirt for 7 years what is he to me? Student 1: Friends? Student 2: Lovers?

Teachers: We can’t have poor people running the place, that’s stupid.

Teachers: It was illegal to be alone because when you are alone you commit a sin.

Student: They play with your intestines? Like jumprope???

Student 1: you make me want to kill myself Student 2: Bitch please! I’ve been making myself want to kill myself for years.

Teacher: If you’re in my class don’t be acting the fool

Student: that’s it! You’ve lost your titty privileges

Student: I have the bladder of an octopus please let me go to the bathroom

Teacher: America broke up with Britain through text and by telling all of their friends but not actually telling Britain.

Student: my peripheral vision up is about as good as a fucking snail’s.

Student: I am allergic to myself.

Student: she brought my coconut juice. I’m going to cry.

Student: my name is Bitch.

Student: my elevator is literally a vsco girl

Student 1: what do you think? Student 2: I think I’m a fucking slut.

Student 1: I look like a lightbulb Student 2: A cute lightbulb. 10/10 would screw you (in)

Teacher: No one likes Axe, but its your friend.

Student: I am a flaming homosexual and that is why I want to dye my hair pink in honor of the women that I love so much

Student: oh my god it’s Michael fucking Jackson! *screams*

Student: Im 16 but not even very much 16.

Teacher: Theres a reason my cousin Neil trades three shifts of paramedic work so he doesn’t have to work on the night of the full moon.

Student: I know it sounds scary running from the police but it’s actually just leisurely walking away from them.

Student: I was washing my hands after lunch and this guy just started bleeding out next to me.

Student: I’m just saying, I would wear a full out prom dress to school and no one could stop me.

Student: I have the strength of a roasted peanut.

Student 1: Avacodo’s are thicc though. If there was a sexiest food event then avocado would win hands down. Student 2: what about peaches Student1: I would 100% fuck an avocado.

Student: chicken nuggets re the dad bod of the food world.

Student: in conclusion: gay.

Student: Hey Mr (Teacher) can you please elaborate on your outfit choice today?

Teacher: Dueling? You know the 10 paces fire? The thing that Hamilton is known for but he was a lot better at?

Teacher: Dreams are kinda wack Student: But this is another level of wack.

Student 1: Im just saying you could totally suck a dick by mistake. Student 2: How? Student 1: Like if you’re watching a movie and he’s holding a soda bottle between his legs and you want a sip but it’s dark you could totally accidentally suck a dick.

Student 1: hurry the fuck up Student 2: that is not how you treat people, you need to have some respect. You say PLEASE hurry the fuck up.

Student: You know, Stockholm syndromes. Like when someone is kidnapped and then catches feelings for their master, daddy kinks, that kinda shit.

Student: IF I were to eat Donalt Trump’s ass it would be so white I’d get retinal cancer just from looking at it.

Student: You were texting her which made us loose the quizlet live game! She is a whore!

Teacher: you’re a dirty old man, you read the script

Student: you’re my hwb. Homies with benefits.

Student 1: I’m a shell 2: I’m a crab. 3: what do crabs do to shells 2: I’m going to go live and eat inside you then eventually leave you for another

Student: Ayyyy!! We’re getting mono!!

Student: Stop catching feelings you dumb emotionally suicidal bitch!!!!

Teacher: *Student’s name* you need to find friends who love you.

Student: Is that a kneecap? *fake cough* Slut. *fake cough*

Teacher: Yah Buccanan was our first gay president. Student: But he was a Democrat! Teacher:… you DO know that people can be gay and a democrat.

Student: This whole book was just a giant KFC commercial.

Student: he other day I tried to zoom in on a book.

Student: every time I head an Indian person talk it’s like they’re raping me but in a good way.

Student: You canned corn of a human.

Student: you look like a broken piano

Student: There’s no room for Jesus! I don’t want to see him!

Student 1: Tiger sharks are the goats of the ocean. Student 2: Wrong. I’m the goat of the ocean.

Student: Florida is the Bermuda Triangle of stupid shit.

Student: Jesus has a plan for me, and I don’t think it’s in his textbook of an agenda.

Student: did you talk to her? Because I’m pretty sure blowing up a school is frowned upon.

Student: and that’s on period no tampon.

Student 1: what would your stripper name be? Student 2: Ruby. Teacher who over heard: Excuse me. Teacher here, stripper conversation over there. Please move the inappropriate conversation somewhere where I can’t hear it. Vanilla Pudding. (the thing about this one, was she was telling us that in the past, her stripper name was Vanilla Pudding)

Student: (Different student’s name), if I told you that I was possessed last night would you believe me?

Student: (Teacher) I was possessed last night, is there, like, biology to support that?

Student: Could I theoretically live forever if I drank infinite 5 hour energies.

Teacher: I have more glue sticks I just don’t put them out because the freshman eat them.

Student: drinking chocolate milk isn’t good for you it just like tragic.

Student: who do people even get stds, I can’t even get dms

Student: Tell me you’re kidding. Tell me you did not find my house by looking at snap maps. YOU HAVE MY ADDRESS!!!

Student: Hey you lived in Africa right? Does that mean you can say the n word?

Student: Someone threatened to open up my chest, piss in it, and close it back up.

Student: For how good I am at catching feelings, you’d think I’d be better at sports.

Student 1: I’m a Taurus. Student 2: I thought you were gay.

Student: So if I ate a tide pod then ate a t-shirt what would happen?

Student: Buddhism is just a series of vibe checks until eventually one works.

Student: why does bugs bunny have so much cleavage??

Student: Don’t underestimate snoopy you fucking heathen.

Teacher: So what you’re saying is when the okay boomer generation dies we won’t be racist anymore?

Student: Venus is in retrograde and that’s why Im not dealing with your bullshit.

Student: What is wrong with you. No sincerely. What made you think that eating a green banana is okay.

Teacher: You know Up? In the movie there’s this dog and when he’s talking then he’ll turn and say squirrel. That’s like me. I think I have adhd.

Student: you absolute tea drinking taxes liberal.

Student 1: if you see my cat run. She’s psycho. Student 2: Can I run her over with my tires?

Student 1: I will drive us through the gates of Shaw and into the water. Student 2: I hope we blow up underwater.

Student 1: Juxpositioning my rain boots with my lingerie. Student 2: those rhyme. Wait no they don’t!

Student: when he says he has a tenor recorder, but really we all know he only has a soprano recorder.

Student 1: you’re shoelaces are untied Student 2: I know. I hope I trip on it and die. Student 3:I felt that

Student: Every time I see a 9/11 ad I always pretend to have a panic attack.

Students chanting: Eat the rich. Eat the rich. Student 2: Rich, more like Bitch.

Student 1: UWU I’m going to lock you in my gas chamber Student 2: Primes flame thrower UWU

Student: I’m not Like other girls. I die on command

Studrnt1: Turkey bitch Student 2: she just called you a turkey bitch Student 1: yes you specifically are a Turkey bitch

Student: I will eat a bitches dick. Gobble gobble motherfucker.

Student 1: he opens my snaps in 10 seconds Student 2: that’s love

Student 1: My for you page is almost exclusively gays, theatre, and Percy Jackson at this point. Student 2: Those are all the same thing basically.

Student: I would have kicked so much ass freshman year if I wasn’t depressed.

Student: Navy blue is the white kid who thinks he can say the n word of the color world. He thinks that he’s black.

Student: Your nose hairs look fragrant. Would you mind if I took a taste?

Student: Boxed water tastes like what I imagine trader joes to taste like as a water.

Student: The water from Moana would be a gentle lover.

Student: we feast tonight brother. I found this in the trash can.

Student: Okay, but I cry myself to sleep BETTER than you.

Student: Can you Venmo me some titties please?

Girl holding hands with another girl: It’s a good thing we’re dating otherwise this’d be pretty gay.

Student 1: I just wanted to know if you knew Lincoln personally. Teacher: What? Student 2: We think you’re a time traveler.

Student 1: Sweetie, you’re having a breakdown over rocks. Student 2: I really hate that class!!!

Student: I love being the joker when we play chess

Student: are you saying that you finger fuck your eurethra?

Student 1: Honestly sometimes I just go onto that lofi hip hop radio, beats to relax/study to thing and just get into a fight with someone in the comment section. It’s fantastic. Student 2: Sometimes they do give good advice though, once I asked if I should ask out this guy and they responded with “No, guys ain’t shit” and I was like “aight you right, you right” Student 3: Sometimes it gets weird though, like once I went on and everyone was talking about how sex and money have become the new gods of our time, and how someday a future generation will die without ever seeing the light of the sun. Student 1: Okay but are they wrong though?

Student: It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl or something in between or something else entirely. A bitch is a bitch, and you sir, are a bitch.

Student 1: so last night I killed and area few of your kids, I hope you don’t mind. Student 2: nah I don’t really care.

Student: what size pussy your phone got?

Student 1: I listen to songs about Greek gods and being polyamorous Student 2: I listen to songs about... smashing.

Student: Motzarella cheese is the pastel pink of the cheese world.

Student: Someone who can bench press 200 has nothing on someone that can just double fist eat Costco sized pound blocks of cheddar cheese.

Student: I will drag you down to hell and make the devil give you therapy so help me. Student: You see, we don’t conjugate words in English, much less math.

Students: well the thing about gamers is, you know they’re good with their hands.

Student: Oka first of all, we’re all on the same planet, so that’s already real small. Then, what are the chances that we were born the same species, like I could have been born a platypus. I could have been a mealworm. Then the chances that we’re in the same country then the same state then the same school like damn. Imma just vibe now.

Student 1: You’re built like a baked bean Student 2: IDK why that hurt me so much but it did.

Student: If I don’t get a hug in the next 10 minus, I’m going directly to the pentagon to tell Trump to suck my dick.

[mahou-goth]

Today is the 2nd birthday of my art blog! Maybe this is sort of silly, but I've been reflecting a lot lately, so I'll probably get rambly and sappy and serious and other bullshit. Under the cut!

TW: suicide ment, parental death

I remember when I was in early high school I was always kind of in awe that people could get so invested into something that they'd make fanart for it constantly. I'd see it a lot! But back then my hyperfixations would only last a couple weeks before I got tired of it and moved on to something else. There was never anything consistent enough that I'd want to draw fanart, even back when RWBY first came out it was the same thing. I'd be obsessed for a while! And then move on.

But two years ago on a whim I decided to make this art blog. I was honestly so sure that I'd start it, get tired of it within a couple weeks, and ultimately just delete it. But I actually got involved with the community! I saw so many amazing and inspiring artists! I read fun theories, fanfics, ideas, analysis, etc! Before long RWBY became a staple in my life. I related to a lot of the characters and their struggles, especially Yang. And with the hope of Bumbleby becoming a real possibility and being so well written, I was hooked. In the summer of 2018 between volumes 5 and 6, I lost my dad. He wasn't my biological father--that man left me when I was very young. I don't even remember him being much of a presence in my life aside from the very rare times he's visit for a couple hours. For a long time I wanted to have some sort of a relationship with him, but he let me down time and time again with false promises. He added me on Facebook a couple months before my dad died, and I remember just going off on him about how I felt. After so long of wanting him to, y'know, be my dad, when he came to me that time I was just done. I told him how I felt and that was that. I had a dad, you know? So when James, my dad passed it just felt really unfair. 15+ years of wanting a father figure in my life only to finally find someone and then have him taken away so unexpectedly. It's like a cruel joke.

During that time, RWBY became a distraction. Volume 6 teasers started popping up, the fandom was becoming more active again, it helped a little bit. I think the worst of it was right around when volume 6 was probably about halfway through. Grief really fucks up a lot for you. I became a really angry person, I isolated myself from friends, told everyone multiple times there was no way I'd be able to support anyone emotionally, and I left some awful friendships. Even my girlfriend at the time, who knew what this sort of grief was like, tried to hold on to me so tightly that it's ultimately what ended up pushing me away even further. A lot of things just kept going wrong. I remember being downtown by the river one night cause I wanted to get away from everything for a bit, and I just really missed my dad. I missed him a lot. The thought of "If you miss him so much, why not just join him?" ran through my head a lot, staring at the water. It was a little scary.

As stupid as this may sound, clinging so much to a show, "I want to know what happens next." was the simplest response that kept me going. Seeing a new episode every week and then coming on here to see all the new fanart, the wild theories and analysis, all the way down to the smallest things that likely didn't mean anything. (Like Blake taking One Whole step closer to Yang when they told everyone Oscar was missing.) That goofy excitement and seeing so many happy posts made a lot of the grief bearable. It was my first time having to deal with such a life changing loss, but RWBY and its community softened the blow a little, and I'm really grateful for that.

I think some people don't quite understand that. My ex got annoyed that I just wanted to watch RWBY, read stuff about it, draw for it. I tried to explain it to her a few different times like... why I wanted to focus on it so much, and she'd understand for a while. But she'd always get frustrated again a few days later. I tried to do the right thing and break it off a couple times because I just wasn't able to maintain a relationship, but it just sort of... kept dragging on before I finally put my foot down and called it quits for good.

On the other hand, others did understand why RWBY was so important to me, and still tried to chase me from the community anyways due to some issues with my platonic partners coping in unhealthy ways with trauma. (That was a looooong talk with them;; but it all turned out okay and they're doing better.) They knew all of this. I was really scared for a while. Not that I'd lose followers or that people blocked me, I didn't care about that. I was scared that I'd lose the only way I've found that's helped me cope with losing my dad.

I knew grieving was a hard process, but I never thought it'd be so difficult for others to let me grieve. And for me to let myself grieve. Maybe it's dumb to rely so much on a show to help me get through the hard days, but if it helps me that's all that really matters. Volume 7 will be here before we know it and I am beyond excited. Regardless of how much shit people have tried to throw at me and how cruel others are, a lot of good has come from it too. I've experimented more with my art and have tried to improve in areas I've always been too nervous to try cause of how bad I am at them. I've made some really awesome friends!! And I hope to talk to more people and possibly collab with artists! And! I reconnected with an old friend who is now my girlfriend by getting her into RWBY, and of course the bees. :P

I feel like this whole post is a big jumbled mess, but really I'm just so beyond thankful for this whole community. I'm thankful for the people who enjoy my art and continue to support me and I'm grateful for all the fun content people make for it, from fanart to analysis to shitposts. It's all helped me so much.

It's been a really wild 2 years and I'm stuck in this fandom for a long time. Nothing and no one will change that. ♥

[500wordtheology]

Detour: The Good Place Conclusion

    Please forgive me, I’m about to break protocol. Normally this blog is dedicated to theological topics and I strive to keep each post at around 500 words. Today’s post will certainly be theology related, but it is extremely unlikely I will be able to keep it brief. Should you want to skip this post, feel free to click here to advance to the next blog entry.

    The TV show “The Good Place” has now concluded. If you haven’t seen it, close this window and go watch the first season. It’s great. Possibly one of my favorite single seasons of any TV show ever. Genius creative work, and brilliant comedy and heart.

    I cannot say the same for the final season, and especially the final two episodes. That is what this blog post is about, and in case it wasn’t obvious:

    COMPLETE SPOILERS FOR “THE GOOD PLACE” AHEAD.

    I will not recap the show’s four seasons here, nor even the episodes being discussed. This is written for those who have already seen them. Instead let’s jump into exactly how, unfortunately, the conclusion of the show failed both morally and creatively.

    Please understand I do not write this as some stuffy critic. I lived the life of a stuffy critic in my younger days, and while it is a lovely boost to the ego, it is empty and dumb. I’ve learned that much at least. The reason for my critique here is because we as human beings need to KNOW this stuff. We need to not be tricked into shallow thought.

Where It All Falls Apart

    The Good Place made a number of mistakes with the final two episodes. Let’s discuss the errors and try to make clear where things went awry (and how/why they were hand-waved away).

    The penultimate episode, “Patty,” introduced the idea that an undisclosed amount of time in Paradise would cause you to become a boring, intellectually-stunted zombie. Apparently even the greatest thinkers who ever lived who managed to get into the Good Place only ever wanted milkshakes and orgasms, and instantly abandoned all big questions about the Universe for simple Hedonism. (And yes, it’s very true that Hedonism is empty and meaningless.)

    This outcome makes very little sense, and I am unsure if it was a result of running out of episodes (which would be a shame, because the early bits of the final season were often dull and it would have been far better spending more time exploring these later concepts instead of cheap laughs at the expense of stereotypical, hollow characters introduced and then thrown away) or if it was simply bad and unimaginative writing. Considering the fantastic writing of Seasons 1 and 2, and sometimes 3, this is extremely puzzling. At any rate, it shows a serious lack of creativity.

    Here is an important truth that was almost totally avoided in these final episodes: The question “Why?” does not disappear simply because you can conjure up a Coke and some sunglasses any time you want. Those questions remain. They might even move more to the forefront of the mind. Why are things the way they are? Unanswered, unexplored. Not just unexplored by the writers, but unexplored by the characters like Patty who were set up to have been in the Good Place for an undetermined amount of time (but “long”).

    This is the ultimate problem with exploring Philosophy without also exploring Theology alongside. Interviews with the creator of the show consistently have him bringing up things like Buddhism or Hinduism, but strangely absent are Monotheistic religions. Why is this? For starters, I expect it is because many of the loudest voices in the modern Western world do not care for such concepts. They don’t like what it entails. If we are not in charge of our own ultimate destiny, which is the case when God exists and has made you with a purpose of his intention, our ego gets a slap in the face.

    And it should, because that is what our ego deserves when it is out of order, but that is another post.

    Anyway, it is possible this choice was made to avoid ruffling feathers of media and the societal elite. It is easier to play it safe, even for a show that tackled some very large concepts like morality.

    It is also possibly because studying such religions requires a great amount of work. Heaven, in Christianity, is not a fluffy cloud where you get everything you ever wanted (like margaritas and monkeys in go-karts), where you sit and play a harp (or guitar) all day and also, hey look, your childhood dog is there. That is a foolish, childish caricature of Heaven, but unfortunately has become widely accepted as true simply because people refuse to go study further. So mistruths are believed due to ignorance. Cartoonish ideas are thought to be accurate, because non-cartoonish ideas are hard and sometimes extremely uncomfortable.

    It’s more than a shame.

    Not only is Heaven infinitely better than such a stupid caricature, but it isn’t even the final destination! New Earth and bodily resurrection comes after. However that is Christianity, and The Good Place makes its own version of heaven instead. A cartoonish one. Fine. But even ignoring that, the problem The Good Place’s ending faces is in the mantra “Death makes life meaningful.”

    Here’s the kicker: That’s not untrue. And because it is not untrue, we can quickly and easily get extremely confused. In fact, go read some reviews of the final episode from a number of popular websites and you’ll find they herald this truth. Because in our earthly life, it is right to say death makes this part of our existence precious.

    The problem, and it is a HUGE one, is they then transpose the earthly lesson onto eternity. Ignorantly (and forgive me for this is not an insult but a statement of why they claim it, they simply don’t KNOW and I realize even saying such a thing is unpopular) they claim that eternity would be “like this life but longer.” And yes, if that was eternity they might have a point. However even within the universe The Good Place has created that is not accurate! We are shown concepts like The Time Knife, and IHOP, and Janet, and the Judge. These things alone make eternity not simply Earth-life-but-forever. And here arises a major problem, because the writers suddenly go from thinking reasonably large to thinking utterly small, right at the end when thinking big is so important.

    Creativity is boundless. The Good Place was certainly not short on creativity! At least… up until the end. At the end what you had was creative bankruptcy. A nihilistic conclusion that there is no real meaning - except this conclusion gussied up with terms like “peace” and “love” before folks walked off to their annihilation. It is, in fact, the gussying up that I have the biggest problem with. It is a flat-out lie, paraded as some virtue.

    This is detestable. Tricking the viewer into believing such ridiculousness as “if you’re ready to die, you should do it and your suicide is a good thing. The best thing, even. The only way to be happy forever.”

    I am sorry, but this is not only trash, it is dangerous trash. I hope I do not need to go into detail as to why.

Retirement for All

    Let me jump slightly sideways for a second and point out something extremely telling: The “solution” that everyone got on board with at the end of it all was The Eternal Shriek.

    Think about that for a second. That is what their solution was. The thing that in Season 1 and 2 seemed (rightfully) so horrific.

    Now immediately one might say “Oh, no, that is not the same at all! The Eternal Shriek was a forced thing, the pretty gate in the forest was a willful decision.” 

    Really? 

    WAS it?

    This is the response the writers want you to have, and it is one, again, of shallow thinking. This is the trick of the pretty forest scene and the constant throwing around words like “peace” and “calm” and “love” at the end. What we learn from the show is that the Forest Gate ends up being everyone’s ONLY ultimate option. Tahani, after mastering demonic/angelic architecture, will be left with the same ending. She will “be ready” but only because she has no choice but to eventually be ready. It is no longer a choice, but, as Eleanor says in the show itself in Season 2 “It’s a crappy deal, but it’s the only one we get.” Even after all they’ve learned (and have the potential to learn, let’s never forget that aspect) they play God (but far worse, because they are not God) and give humanity the *same deal* they say is crappy and lament how it is the only deal they got.

    You might also say “Oh, no, the Eternal Shriek had all that awful stuff like having your soul scooped out with flaming ladles.” Yeah? What of it? You’re not conscious anymore (otherwise Michael wouldn’t have lamented “no more me” when he had his existential crisis) so the desecration of your esense and the atoms of your body are as meaningless to you as if someone dumps your cremated ashes in the forest vs. in the ocean. Or, yes, even in a rubbish bin.

    Note the throw-away joke of the creature Derek has become. In his final speech (before getting rebooted again against his will) he mentions the heat death of the Universe. Let’s not ignore that. We are left by the writers (manipulated, really) with warm fuzzy feelings as one of Eleanor’s golden particle-thingies lands on a person who then does something decent instead of cruel. But what is not shown (because it would harp on our buzz) is that man will die. Michael will die. They will be annihilated and then, eventually, all humans will die, the earth will die, the universe will die, Derek will die, Janet will die, the Good Place will die, the Judge will die, and the final pretty gold sparkle will no fall on some new person to help them improve, but instead cease to Be entirely and have absolutely no meaning at all. It will all amount to exactly the same in the end as if the Bad Place guys ran things.

    To use the pretty analogy of the show, “The wave will still be water and return to the ocean,” but then the ocean will disappear entirely for no reason or purpose and even the wave and water will be worth nothing. (They don’t note this second half, because that second half doesn’t make you feel good. Yet it lurks there, undiscussed and ready to pounce and surprise.)

    This is the stark, awful truth of a purposeless universe and existence. It is an awful thing, but it is the truth if that is the worldview we’re exploring. (A reminder this is not the truth of God, though. God loves you, and you do not exist for no reason. A necessary reminder because when we start to really dig in and explore nihilism it gets “real dark real fast.” We need to hold onto the Light at such times.)

    At any rate, what then seems to separate the Eternal Shriek from the Forest Door is only that the last fleeting moments are located in a peaceful looking (though ultimately doomed) place. The results end up being identical. The final option of The Good Place ends up being the worst-possible-option of The Bad Place: Annihilation. This is the “solution” the writers came up with. The one they themselves made fun of in previous episodes (rightfully so, because it is terrible.)

    And yes, it is that big and important. The *foundation* of ideas is precicely where they either stand firm or topple and crush everyone around them. We must dig deep when it comes to what we think and believe.

Selfishness and “Love”

    Here I will break and tackle another awful, awful thing these final episodes support: Complete selfishness as somehow compatible with Love.

    Jason is not all that bright. But generally he seems to have a good heart, particularly for those he cares about. Yet after completing a single perfect round of a video game, he chooses to leave the not-a-woman he loves forever. To abandon her, because he just doesn’t feel like sticking around anymore.

    What?

    But okay. It’s Jason. I was willing to suspend some disbelief for the sake of the character, who is a few crayons short of a box.

    Then Chidi does the same thing.

    WHAT?

    This is utterly absurd. Here the writers want to write what they want to write, rather than be honest. It is one of my biggest convictions that an author must be honest. He or she may nudge things in certain directions, but if the author of a story ever forces a character to do something against their character, that is not only poor writing but completely dishonest. It is the lowest form of storytelling to do such a thing. And we find it here.

    Chidi, by his own admission, has a sense of calm and peace. Chidi is just fine. Yet he knows his choice to kill himself (annihilate, really, because we need to be crystal clear on that) will hurt Eleanor deeply. It will cause her extreme pain. He still chooses it.

    My friends, that is not love. That is also not Chidi.

    Love sacrifices for the beloved. And in this case, Chidi wouldn’t even be sacrificing much if he stayed, because we’ve already established he is at peace and internally calm. So rather than maintain this feeling, or even work to be better IF other feelings arose in the future, he checks out on Eleanor. Quits on her. Deserts her. (Leaving her a hedonistic even if hilarious calendar, no less. Fun joke but morally what the fork.)

    Loving relationships in our modern age have taken a severe hit. One reason may be that we think this is how you should treat someone you love. “Me first” has become the battle cry of the age. 

    No, my friends. Love first. Always.

    I anxiously await Heaven and New Earth. But also I love my wife, family, and friends. If I must stay here to support them, I will. Even if “there and then” is better, it doesn’t matter. I love them. I will remain for them. (I will even eat kale and exercise if it means I get to remain here to support them a little longer than if I only ate bacon and browsed Twitter from bed all day.)

    Beyond that, I will remain because God has me here for a purpose. But since The Good Place did not deal with such topics, resorting instead to vague concepts of “helping people is good, so totally do it” and the like, I will even abandon this particular train of thought for this discussion. Even if it was ONLY my wife, family, and friends, they are worth it. Love is big enough to cause me to keep going for them.

    Yes, Eleanor was noble in letting Chidi go. But Chidi was completely ignoble for going when he knew, without a doubt, she wanted him to remain. That she was not ready.

    I think this may be one reason after thousands of years (or whatever a Bearimy is, they keep it vague on purpose and that is very clever of them) Chidi and Elenor are still calling each other “boyfriend and girlfriend.” They REFUSE to commit. Why? Because a husband does not walk out on the wife he loves and we know it. We all know it. Deep inside we know that is not what a husband is meant to do. That would make Chidi a horrific husband. But walk out on a girlfriend? Eh. Sure. Not great, but okay. The world says that’s not so serious. Walk away, dude, no one will care.

    Sorry, Good Place writers, I care. I care deeply.

Why?

    Here is where we get to the meat of it. WHY do I care? (Especially as a number of people point out to me “it’s just a TV show.”)

    I care because I have SEEN what real love brings with it. Bliss. Not hedonistic happiness, but JOY. Ecstasy beyond frivolous ideas like orgasms. Delight beyond mere milkshakes and talking pandas. Glory. Perfection. Eternal Good with no end.

    It is better, and it is worth striving for.

    What happens when we accept and perpetuate ideas like “It is totally fine to abandon people you love as long as it is in your own best interest” is that it degradates our concept of love itself. Love becomes lesser and watered down. This is the same with divorce. Divorce is never easy. Sometimes it is necessary. But it SHOULD never be easy. And honestly? It SHOULD never be necessary. It’s because of our sin that the necessity arises. Here we see the problem not with eternity, but with eternity WITH sin still permitted. Yes, eternity breaks when we are simply “us” but “forever.” (Even if it is slightly-better-than-on-earth “us.”)

    Going back to the idea of love, when we chip away at love and redefine it to mean something lesser we open the doors wide for awful things like what Chidi did and what Jason did. Selfish things. And newsflash, for anyone who didn’t already know, WE WANT TO BE SELFISH. It is in us. We desire to look out for number one, and always have number one be us. This is why the great command is “Love God, and Love your neighbor as yourself.” Because we already know how to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is “I don’t feel like being here in paradise with you anymore, bye.” We are called to do better than that.

    Real love is epic, you guys. Real love is flippin ridiculously good. It redefines GOOD itself. We shouldn’t settle for the “this is nice” false love that is tossed around these days as if that is the bar. That is a garbage bar! Raise that puppy to where it belongs!

    When you experience the utter glory of God and his love, it changes everything. The cheap love the world peddles becomes laughable. But not just laughable: sad. After I watched the finale and read review after review online where people heralded this idea of “eternity would be boring without death” I cried. I laid on the floor and cried for a world that doesn’t know God. That thinks this is all there is, or that boredom could ever come about from true paradise. Forgive me, but what shallow thinking that is! What despair, without even knowing it.

    Alas, this is what people are taught. Let us never forget that Story does not just entertain us, it teaches us. It molds us. This is, sadly, the emptiness The Good Place ends up teaching as its last lesson. “Do good, because it’s good (don’t ask why), but then abandon doing good if it means you get what you want.” Hedonistic Nihilism is the conclusion they offer, spit-shined so you don’t think too hard about it or feel too bad. Yes, feel a little bad, they want you to do that. But not bad enough to really think about how the hope and golden particles of light in a peaceful forest are a trick to shy away from ultimate meaninglessness and selfishness behind it.

    This is the final moral of the show, and it is desperately sad. This is the emptiness of Philosophy without God. And when it is sugar-coated like they sugar-coated it, it is a cyanide pill that tastes great and goes down smooth. 

    You know, until it kills you.

[kinetic-elaboration]

April 25: Thoughts on The 100 2x10

Twenty years later, I return with Ep. 2x10: Survival of the Fittest.

This commentary is NOT pro-Grounder or pro-Lxa.

I last watched in January and I have literally no idea what’s happening lol. I mean, I do because I’ve seen the whole thing enough times but still. Like specifically.

One of Netflix’s warnings for this show is “fear.” I CANNOT.

The idea of Arkers and Grounders perhaps meeting in certain ways pre-canon is interesting (the suicide by earth idea) but then the story just becomes one of yet more Mindless Grounder Brutality and I get bored. Like I’m sorry this is truly the most boring civilization ever imagined and I cannot believe we’ve been asked to care more and more about them with each passing season.

The lost possibilities of Bellamy & Lincoln. Also of Lincoln, in general? Someone who tried so hard to be something other than what he was taught to be.

Also, his story is basically confirmation that he became obsessed with Octavia because he was illegally spying on the cool Sky People and then ran into a Pretty Girl and that was just that on that.

The underworld. They’re not subtle.

Mmm-mmm my favorite set. Indra looking badass as per usual, giving her warriors a pep talk. And Kane with friendship heart eyes like “I’ve found my new BFF!!” (This is truly how I read the expression on his face.)

“Only our Guards are armed here.” Lol okay but does anyone really believe Indra travels with ONLY two knives on her person?

I’m generally a Jaha apologist but I cannot stand him in S2, primarily because his whole thing is based around him caring about “the Grounders’ land” in this realllllly awkward native peoples parallel, as if this was supposed to make him sympathetic when (1) there is literally no evidence at all that the Sky People occupied Grounder land in s1 or are occupying it in s2 and (2) he is advocating abandoning the main characters to death, the main characters are a bunch of teens, and literally no one calls him out on how disgusting that is. The only thing he’s right about is that the Grounders are terrible and Kane’s boner for them is ridiculous, but still.

Is there a Grounder named Michael? Lol.

“My shock baton’s got your back” probably isn’t intended as wildly inappropriate adult man hits on teen girl flirting but........ I dunno how else to read it.

Murphy > Grounder I said what I said.

That woman in the background of the fight with her eyes wide like ‘oh heavens! oh my!’

Kane’s here trying to be like stern dad keeps his kids in line for the sake of peace and Indra and the rest of the Grounders are like... fucking crickets. So ridiculous. So immature. Keep your own bitches in line Indra.

I completely forgot that Mountain had multiple airlocks and thus just, you know, opening the doors wouldn’t do anything. Makes sense, I’m just dumb.

Clarke > All Grounders and seeing her show respect to Lxa or anyone, even if it makes sense in context, just irritates me.

Clarke: *gives several very good reasons why sending large numbers of Grounder warriors into the Mountain will do literally nothing but lead to more casualties.* Grounders: *raaaaa I hate being told no, let’s just attack!!! ATTACK!*

“He shouldn’t have attacked my ship.” Honestly I think part of why S2 Clarke is my favorite is because I really identify with her, surrounded by idiots, just doing her best to get fucking anything done and done right.

“You’re very brave under the Commander’s protection, aren’t you?” DUDE. DUDE. You literally just reminded everyone that this five foot tall blonde teenage girl roasted your brother and several hundred others alive and you think the commander’s protection is why she’s brave? She’s brave because she’s smarter and tougher than you, duh.

And after all this Lxa’s like “Quint’s right.” Um he’s truly not though??? Ugh, the stupidity irritates me.

“Hook up” for “alliance” I am DYING.

Kane is absolutely the worst faux-father figure. Encouraging Octavia to get her ass kicked by idiots who are training for no reason...

And then this bitch (Quint) tries to kill Clarke as if that were even remotely a good idea... what if you were successful? What then? Lxa would torture you for like 100 days and then kill you start thinking things through.

I miss Byrne in that she was annoying but at least had, like, a perspective and purpose, BUT that was a cool death scene. A good sort of shock.

“Work detail” is such an odd phrase, like... one would think....everyone works?? It seems to be code for “mop some floors.”

I’m gonna be honest, the search for the CoL was the clear weak point of S2 for me but Murphy & Jaha are an interesting pair to share screen time.

Murphy: hesitates to accompany Jaha to Wells’s grave until he sees the possibility of getting a firearm of his own, then falls in love. You had me at ‘can hold a gun!’

They really are wasting bullets. Those are...kinda a finite resource? Also you’d think that these literal members of the Guard (based on their jackets) already know how guns work.

Kane really is devoted to this I’m Your Daddy thing, huh? “Look at me, shooting this gun, I’m so cool--don’t you want to be cool like me? I can teach you.” (And O in the back sharpening her sword like she knows what she’s doing.)

I don’t get how Mount Weather could influence Grounder legend given that they’ve known about Grounders for less than a generation, and they tend to destroy anyone they capture, not, like, release them back into their villages? Cool idea though!

Octavia, the secret weapon, exploitable by both sides because she knows both sides, is an interesting path SOMEone at SOME point should have gone down, or should go down, like in fic. Just putting that out there.

See, literally, what did I say? Quint does not even succeed in killing Clarke and he’s sentenced to death in 0.5 seconds. You gotta think ahead man!!

Lol I’ve seen this how many times and only now am I hearing that the word “Pauna” (which I’ve also been mispronouncing) is in fact in the episode. I always thought that was extra-canonical.

Pretty hilarious that Clarke, attempting to run away from the Irradiated Gorilla, leads everyone right to...the home of the Irradiated Gorilla. AKA the National Zoo.

Look the only thing I really have to say about this entire story line is that it’s pretty clearly only here to make sure Clarke, the main character, has something to do in an episode that isn’t really about her, like it’s straight up Filler just like the Bellamy Scales a Cliff episode, and it’s dorky and laughable and awful CGI and I get that--but I still maintain that the concept of “animals from the zoo survived and are still out there in mutated form” is cool and we should do more with that, as a fandom.

Also....moose? How’d that get there??

“Leave me” Lexa says, as if it weren’t incredibly easy for Clarke to save her. Like...why do you give up so easy all the time??? Grounders are weak. The slightest thing happens and it’s either “Time to kill you” or “Time to die.”

Murphy, unimpressed by the beauty of Earth.

Completely forgot that elder Murphy’s name was Alex. Put that one in my back pocket.

This Jaha and Murphy scene at Wells’s grave is the best of a fairly lackluster episode. “Clarke sugar-coated it for you, didn’t she?” “Good can come out of even the darkest acts, John.” “Camp You is that way.”

(Also...when did Clarke get a chance to talk to him? Was this over video in S1? I guess it must have been since she’s been busy in S2.)

When Kane lets Octavia fight the Grounder he is 100% doing it for himself and the alliance. He’s using her.

And somehow this is the ONLY time Octavia lost a fight. I wish the show had acknowledged more, as it does here, that tenacity is a great virtue but it’s not the only virtue. Also the Grounders truly are canonically terrible at what they do.

My favorite O characterization is when she’s just a blank slate for people to write on because she never was able to create a personality for herself. Because I think it’s the most true to her backstory, which seems only intermittently relevant imho. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” “I would like to be stronger,” hence “I shall get beaten up.”

*Sings* Lxa is a terrible leaaaaaader!!! Getting all up in Clarke’s head trying to tell her that caring about not constantly killing people is..............somehow.....................bad??? Lol.

This scene here where Lxa provides the groundwork for the Ai-in-Commanders thing, is probably where the show began its downhill slide. Don’t get me wrong, I love S2 as a whole--most of this nonsense didn’t really come up until S3--and S3 itself has good ideas, including the AI thing, but they were just realized so badly...... Makes me sad. We could have had so much more!

“Don’t be afraid, death is not the end,” is like......the least helpful thing to say. Yet again, Clarke uses her brain and figures out an actual plan, as opposed to “die heroically” which is really all the supposedly genius Lxa ever has. “Die heroically” or “Save own ass at others’ expense I said what I said.

I’m so salty.... I can’t even believe myself.

I enjoy the Indra and Octavia relationship.

So I’m going to say that I always assumed, and still basically assume, that the reason Indra chose Octavia for a second is that she really did think there was something special in her when she saw her fight. Like that’s all. Just like she would with a Grounder kid who wanted to be a warrior. But I think it would be interesting if she’s thinking just as Kane is: that Octavia is a useful bridge between the two peoples, that perhaps, she could get something from her. (Counter spy?)

“No one gives anything without expecting something in return.” Early John Murphy philosophy synthesized.

What the fuck is Jaha eating? Little...food pellets.

It’s true that he’s being cynical but it’s ALSO true that Jaha is withholding important truth from him and ultimately, arguably, using him.

“You didn’t give a damn about us. You still don’t, that’s why you’re not fighting for this kids in Mount Weather.” SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT. THANK YOU MURPHY. MVP of this ep.

“I was pardoned, slate wiped clean, I’m still treated like dirt.” The treatise of the Ark AU thanks.

More patented Murphy nose rubbing.

Murphy and Raven, both pulled in, to some degree, by cultists.

Murphy and Octavia, both manipulated by more powerful adults for their own ends.

Jaha is so... he has all these peace and love, everyone is accepted, nice ideas and beliefs and faith, but he also does not care at all about sacrificing a few here and there. He may remember Alex Murphy but he doesn’t really care, he’s not really haunted. Remembering is like a courtesy. He may miss his son but he still ultimately believes, even hearing how utterly stupid Wells’s death was, that it was worth it for some unknown greater good. And he’s willing to give up on people who aren’t even dead yet, just write them off as an acceptable loss, even though they’re his people and a subset of his people to whom he owes a particular debt, and still consider this sacrifice, not even yet made, to be worth it for this bigger plan. There are a lot of things I respect about Jaha as a leader, and surely in a universe of terrible leaders he is not the worst, but this is his fatal flaw, what keeps him from being good. Real leaders do accept that losses will happen, as Lxa says, but they don’t seek out losses and they don’t merely catalogue them and then move on. They feel them, and accept responsibility for them, and carry them forward.

No I am not talking about Clarke, although within this universe, she comes closer to the ideal.

The story line with Lincoln, Bellamy, and the Reapers is like nightmare fuel if I think about it too much.

Indra, with the tiniest slice of meat possible on a huge plate: “Eat! Get strong!”

Kane, trying to be sexy and seduce a new friend: “Thank you.”

Kane and Octavia are talking and Indra is just in the background, sitting on a tree stump, brooding in the most photogenic way possible, very ‘google earth, always taking pictures’ of her.

I’m sorry but I can’t stop seeing Kane’s whole demeanor in literally every scene of this episode as like “Attempted Daddy.” Not in the paternal sense.

“You’re asking me to be a spy?” / “I’m asking you.......... yes, to be a spy, that’s exactly it.”

Objectively ridiculous for Octavia to think the Grounders are her people but, I get it, she’s desperate for people of some sort.

“There’s a million ways to die out there” should have been the title of the series. More accurate than “The 100.”

“If it’s not your time than nothing can kill you” IS everything infuriating about Jaha in one line. Saying ‘it’s just what was meant to be’ is a pretty easy way to avoid responsibility for anything, ever, and it’s extra sketchy from someone who, as a leader, knows or should know that his actions have consequences for other people, sometimes life or death ones. I mean...everyone but he and Murphy did die searching for the CoL.

We REALLY need more fic that utilizes Jaha as a weird guru type.

“You wanna stop being treated like a criminal then you have to stop thinking that that’s all you are.”

Here, Clarke comes up with yet another smart idea. How many is that in one episode? She’s too smart, guys, just too smart.

That said, the first time I watched this ep with my mom (the second time in general for me, the first time for her), when Clarke explained her ‘release the Grounder prisoners’ plan, she was like “...Duh? I thought that was already the plan? Isn’t that what Bellamy was going in there to do?” Basically most people on the show < Clarke < my mom.

The tragedy of Lincoln’s addiction story line really does get to me.

I’m a little insulted on Bellamy’s behalf that he was marked Harvest lol.

I just watched the episode and I heard them explain their plan... but I still don’t really see how it was going to work. Like just... cause chaos and let Bellamy run inside? Kind of feel like someone would have caught him at some point, and also--doesn’t that run a significant chance of getting Lincoln killed? Oh well. It all works out eventually. Mostly.

Anyway, not the greatest episode, but it had its moments. The Jaha and Murphy story line was good, and I actually enjoyed the Octavia, Kane, and Indra stuff more than I thought or remembered. But it’s always kind of a bummer when one or both mains get lackluster filler plots--and in this case it really was both--I mean, Bellamy’s was important, but it wasn’t very long. And none of my faves: no Mount Weather, no Jasper and Monty, no Raven.

It still fucks me up that Liz Phair wrote music for this show.

[neuropathicgypsy]

So there's this guy who isn't so great...

So i saw a photo of him and I'd seen it before but this time i was thinking about some dark shit...

And I realized who he is...

It doesn't always happen that way... Actually... Like it was dark but not bad... Then what i remember was bad...

And so may be this girl was lying and it was the way it was initially with the memories about this guy... And maybe she did deserve her ass beat...

But their relationship wasn't as he wanted me to believe... Like it was more like how she said it was...

And may be 100% like she said... Like maybe it really does only take 20 minutes for an abortion. How would i know? I never had one... Or may be her mom was confused... About what time i dropped her off... Idk im trying to remember 10 years later and frankly i don't even care.

I washed my hands of both of them fully in 2008....

So now randomly he's popped back in my life... And completely random...

I didn't have a problem with him until he kept lying to me... Like for real lies like "I'm coming over" and he doesn't. Like that. Not like i think he's lying... Like its really obvious hes lying... Like its a fact.

Then i was all fuck this shit. And Matt happened to be with him and I waited like 8 hours and he did this huge song and dance and so i told Matt, punch him 5 times, at least 2x in the face.

So Matt did... Cause dam dude it was ridiculous. I already seen him and i already identified his alter ego but i was okay to over look it. Like it wasn't my relationship and it wasn't like it been 10 years since she had him arrested for beating her and i went with her to the court...

Yeah he definitely can't handle alcohol...

Like he would be cool at my house at first but as the night wore on... I would be like 2 hours later... Time for bed and make an excuse of life i had the next day instead of drinking and hanging out all night

He would be all "its nine o'clock!!" And i would be all "yeah Tom, sometimes we all have to grow up and admit responsibility"

Yeah sometimes he was a bitch... Like when i said anything with sense he would be all "i need to duct tape her mouth"

Or that one time he wanted to put me in my kitchen trash bin... I told him i didn't give a Fuck so he put it over my head and i told him to pick up the trash off my kitchen floor and he did then swept it and left a big pile in the floor...

But overall he was just his unique self that i kinda got used to...

Because his drama with my friend was between them -- unless my friend bitched about him later, like when we took the kids to the park, and i tried to help her figure him out.

Anyways so now i know my friend wasn't lying about him...

And i know other shit he did... Like to me...

Cause i actually knew him in Alabama, NYC, Texas, Oklahoma and now here... Like a stalker...

And so i am wondering... Should I tell him what i know? What i remember? The bad things?

Or should i just not?

I wonder if it will do any good... Like Why for put myself through his bull shit when i really just want to be left alone?

Do i want to remember?

No... I don't want to feel my ribs feeling like they're about to break or sharp pains on the side of my head -- the side closest to the wall in the bed so he could say i fell instead of it being on the side where he slept...

Like being drugged... So he can lie as to why he and my ex husband thought it was great to spike drinks.... Like ...

I don't care. I really don't.

He knows what he did and I just want him to go away. Obviously he isn't going to stop... Obviously he shouldn't be around the female human...

But what I'm just gonna pull evidence out his ass? My ass? Prove it?

I really don't think i can...

He already was sentenced 9 months for what he did to my friend.

May be he learned... Idk.

Obviously hes not going to come over and despite his recent meddling, people have come to their senses about him... Like he totally doesn't give a shit about me. Or them.

So obviously i left him when i was younger, between his father and mine, i got out of the house with him and he quickly moved on to "someone better" and he brought her over and the next one an the next cause he thought when i told the girls he beat me, i was jealous and trying to break them up...

When i was saying, I am so glad i left and I'm left alone 90% of the time and he isn't all up my ass bugging me and being weird and hitting me cause he had nothing else to do and no brain activity. And that it could happen to them, too. For no fucking reason.

It took a while, too for his dad to help me understand it wasn't me... Like he was just crazy... Stupid. Jealous. And dumb. Not too long but i did have to be taught that there's no difference between an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend or husband and an abusive parent or sibling. I always thought i really did something wrong

Now I know... I let him live and i was afraid of him and to let the "monster inside of me" out. And i was afraid I wouldn't win and i would die at his hands.

Now I'm not. Now I don't even care although I know for a fact he could probably break my neck in less than 10 seconds... Not because I'm suicidal or don't care about myself.

But because I do care about myself and I know that i can kick his ass. I know i don't have to and i know i can kick his ass soft enough that he behaves better and also that i can kick it so he never breathes again.

Because I'm angry. At what he did to me. Im angry that i believe without a doubt he would do it again if i didn't know all HIS male friends that would kick his ass, without a doubt until he quit bleeding.

Because I'm angryi have to feel the physical pain he did to me and i have to remember the bruises and the tears and the frustration and annoyance and knowledge that i wasn't loved.

Because I'm angry my fucking ribs hurt.

Idk that night he put on his act. I wanted him dead. Like i didn't care. I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to care about his life and his safety but I didn't. I hated him. With every cell of my being.

Matt said "i only punched him 2x in the face" i was all go back and hit him 10x in the face!!! Like it wasn't enough and i KNOW Matt did to to what he deserved not tappy tap tap.

I heard that over a week later, on Halloween, his face was still mangled... Like 6 broken noses and 5 black eyes... Like... Obviously he only has one nose and 2 eyes but there was enough damaged tissue for more.

I dont even feel bad... Like i still feel,it isn't enough. Because now i feel pain. And have since Halloween when the people he went to the carnival with left because i left. And haven't seen him since. Because they figured out thwt he was purposely keeping them from me, in line for the Haunted House for nearly 2 hours... I was not gonna stay..,

They could got out of line and sat with me at the fire they gave more logs for and rejoined him when he was near the front... It was cold where they were. They could even had taken turns in line.

It wasn't something i could do... I didn't even know they were there until after I left. All i was told was they would be about an hour... Which made no sense cause i thought they said they were already there... So what for an hour?

For the first time in forever it was just me and my kid for Halloween. We could done anything. My kid actually wanted to do the Haunted House... But didnt want to wait in the 36°F line for over an hour.

Its a good thing they left too, i got beat up in the Halloween Haunted House before, too.... Perfect place... Dark.. Scary... All perfect for "accidents" with no real person to take fault... Just accidents...

So really... I'm like part of me wants to tell him i know what he did...

But more i just want him to not exist.

And then another part of me still likes him and wishes he has grown up and realized he could be better than he allows himself to be. Part of me feels sorry for him.

I know he just wants to be loved and safe Just like we all do...

And I could love him as a friend as I had in the past... Knowing hes not been trustworthy in the past makes it easier to protect myself.

I handled him quite pperfectly 11 years ago... Until my ex husband I was married to then, started encou stupid and dangerous and evil entertainment.

I still don't understand the point to drug someone to have sex with them. Like dude. You're saying you're not good enough to be liked with a person sober and woke and living normal.

So that says a lot about a person... That they have no confidence or true love for themselves.

I been for real single in my house for 10 years...having only long distance relationships. I dont feel the need to drug someone to allow them to like me. They either do or they don't.

Im curious as to why they dont but i dont care. Some people just do not get along with others. Its that simple. I don't like plenty of people and to have to explain myself or be pushed around because of it totally pisses me off. I don't like you, simple as that and I'll hate you before I love you.

I see the most problem with criminals is they dont love themselves but usually demand others to while not believing others do... So they beat them.

Its really really sad. Its horrible. How they can't break that barrier to love just themselves. And then turn themselves into unlovable trash that they shouldn't be.

So at the end of the day, if you don't want to be loved. Then i won't love you.

Its the most difficult lesson a person can learn and its the most saddest and heartbreaking. But also the strongest making, most wisdom learning lesson.

And so I can turn off my feelings, my warmth, my caring for someone whom asks me to. Most especially someone whom has or would try to beat it into me.

Life is: Survival of the Fittest, is it not?

If you cannot love yourself, cherish yourself enough to take risks then you cannot survive.

If you cannot believe you are loveable then your actions will cause you to not be loveable.

But yet people like Jesse James and "Tom" don't have a problem with being greedy and asking for more and more and more. Like vampires with empty souls sucking down unicorn blood in the forest like they want to live on a page of a Harry Potter novel.

And so my question is, do i tell him what i know he did to Me? Or does he just want to relish in the delight of what he got away with so that He can devise ways to lie to make me some sort of pawn in his life, someone to use?

Why waste my time?

Friday in about 15 seconds i lost my child support check... While looking for it lost another check for $2.40...Then at the bank moments later literally $5 disappeared from ny hands.

Then the next day i had taken off my shoes in the Wal-Mart wheel chair shopping cart... While wheeling around... Lost my dam shoe.

I didn't even bother to look for it.

And my cat was kidnapped... Then i sent someone to fetch him... "Tom" let him get kidnapped again... Then he got fetched again.... And i have yet to see him... So im like what the fuck? Its been over a week... I tried Thursday night to go ask the neighbors but all the gates were locked...

Then i got this like flue feeling thing where i want to puke all day and all these body aches and I just want to sleep.

And Every thing is pissing me off...

And know why? Cause this curse if u dont acknowledge the dead on Halloween with a fuckking Hello then i get all this bad luck. Happens every time.like excuse me ass holes i deal with you 300 days a year and i can't have one with my kid?!

Its absolutely ridiculous

So id much rather sleep then to decide to care about someone whom has shown they do not care about me.

But is it wrong?

Should I tell him all those hits and attempts at giving me amnesia were temporary and i know exactly who he is and that he's still lying and that I know he was all trying to marry my friend then still get with me?

His dad says that he knew hitting me made me leave so that's why he hit my friend. And his dad says that she wasn't pregnant and that same as at my house it was more all over him than him on her... Unlike when he was with me

And i know i still have a lot of memories that don't fit right that are messed up.

But I know exactly what happened between Sara and Tom according to Sara's words to me. Because that part of my memories have never been affected. Even if i was drinking... Because i didn't drink a lot because i get migraines if i do. Mostly wine coolers or rum and juice...

Plus there was two adult sized male idiots, a seemingly whore type person and then 3 children 2 under the age of 5. So obviously someone who wasn't stumbling and posing a threat to the kids by falling over on themselves had to be present.

I just got drunk enough... So that i really didnt give a shit about all the stupidity I saw in the adults around me. And could say shit like "you know Sara, sometimes you're really dumb. Hes told you like 40 times to get off him and you're still on him So when tomorrow you're all black and blue and he says you tripped going down the stairs and i saw you walk down them just fine, I'm not really gonna care. I mean its not like he told you or anything. 46 times"

But while sober... I would worry why he was so mean to his girlfriend. Why she would always be rejected by him. And why she would allow herself to be treated so horrible. If my friend told me always to get off them, i would feel sad. Sometimes I have had to tell my kid not to touch or lean on me because i have pain... But i try to adjust so that they can... As i have a lot of numb spots next to highly painful areas.

But between Tom and Sara... I felt it was weird,volatile and and dangerous. And they shouldn't be together.

I even asked him once cause Sara would go inside with my ex a lot... Hmmm.. Idc.

"Why don't you like Sara to touch you?" And his face would be red.

And i would say " okay so then when do you like Sara to touch you?" Cause then i would tell her So she could get her affection...

And it was always difficult to get him to talk about himself.. Until for two nights I didn't talk to him and when we we're alone after he kicked me under the table most of the night, all angry in my face why i wouldn't talk to him...

"Oh why because you called me duct tape for 6 months telling me not to talk to you. And then when I did or have tried to "get close to you" as i would a friend, you just sit there all dopey and smile and don't even answer a question i ask you"

You know then sara comes out and says i said he was on dope.

And she denies it...and I'm tired of her being oblivious to every dam thing on the fucking planet. And i straight out accuse them both of being on meth...

And so while trying to faceplant herself on his Dick shes all "we should leave"

So then i throw them out and they both refuse to move. What. The. Fuck.

He claims hes afraid to leave cause she is all dopey on his Dick.... And hes all shes gonna rape m3 and all tries to,hide behind me,touching my body to use me as a shield and tries to jump over the railing of my porch!!! But acts like hes afraid to and asks my permission like 14 times. Dude you're a grown ass man why the fuck are you asking that's dumb. We were on the lower level anyway. Literally 4 steps, including the top.

It always seemed that stupid and annoying.

So i really didn't care when he went to jail, sentenced for 14 months and got out in 9..

Or when on New Year's Eve, i took her and her kids Christmas presents and she hadnt got any of us anything... And I had bought and took her cigarettes and she didn't want to share when i ran out... Or when I said we needed to leave because my kid wanted to go home and she told me that I was being a bad friend because I'm a good mom... Because I was going to leave... Then we went to the bonfire which my kid liked and so Sara said if i wanted to smoke her Winstons... Then i had to go get them and she threw them .... Because she was jealous all her neighbors were talking and laughing with me because i actually do know how to socialize.

And i quit being friends with her that night.

Left .... And every time she text me after i just told her to shut up and fuck my husband....but she didn't know because shes so sef absorbed that 2 months prior I told him i wanted a divorce.

On Thanksgiving.

In front of my uncle....

And so... Still... Should I tell him I think he's a complete ass hole with something to hide or a chicken shit that is making it look like he does.... And allow him to explain himself or not...

Because I a fucking tired of him trying to get into my brain. Hes all hiding. I'm not.

I heard in 4 months he hit me 15 occasions... I used the calculator and it was once every 8 days. I was 16. He was 23.

That enough makes me want to not talk to him. But i also don't want him to be all well that's your fault Sabrina. And blame me all kinds because I gave him a chance. I gave him a 100% chance.

Then when he blew me off more than once,including in DM.. I was all forget you then.... But then when I said i didn't want to fuck him, he lost his Goddam mind. Like dude... So yeah... When were we ever going to anyways when you can't even drive to someone's house? Or set up a date and actually go to it? It was So irrational the way he reacted. What? I'm a cum bucket? Like what he's gonna random run into me at Wal-Mart an pound me from behind in the family bathroom while i hold onto the toilet seat??

Seriously. Hes not rational

So I'm like to tell him what I've been told by th3 dead and what i remember... Its just a waste of effort, isn't it?

[musiclovingbitch]

Together

Summary: Secret Agents!Klaine. When Blaine finds out Kurt’s taken on a really dangerous mission all on his own, he’s resigned to do anything to stop his friend from getting hurt.

A/N: So, someone sent me this list of prompts, but didn’t actually send along any particular number they wanted me to use. So, I decided to try and use as many as I possibly could. I ended up using prompts #1, #2, #23, #19, #70, #46, # 58, (half of #96), #97, #65, #34, #84, #62, #9, #13, #17, #43, #47, #48, #52, #26, #74, #60, #59, #21, #55, #91, #82, #10, #66, #85, #36, #30, #72, #90, and finally #83, in that order, making it a grand total of 35(.5)/100. Relatively decent, I think, no?

Also, a massive shoutout and thanks to @slayediest for making this even vaguely coherent.

~2.7k

on AO3

“If this is you flirting, I don’t like it.”

Blaine huffed as he adjusted his hold on Kurt slightly, and continued walking towards his dorm room in the Dalton Headquarters.

“You’re not going on this mission, Kurt. I won’t let you die,” he said, quietly but resolutely. Kurt took a moment to reign in his fury, because Blaine did not just say that to him, before he responded.

“This is bullshit!” he complained, “What are you doing here anyway? I didn't expect you to be here tonight.”

“Oh, I wasn’t supposed to be here. But you know that, of course. I just happened to stay late yesterday to work a bit on my left hook, and I overheard Sebastian and Trent talking in the locker room while I was changing. See, Trent was telling Sebastian all about the idiot that had agreed to take on the Karofsky case, and how they were stupid enough to not only take it on, but take it on by themselves. Now, imagine my surprise when I heard that that idiot, was you.”

Kurt was silent, cursing Trent and his big mouth in his head.

*

“You idiot!” Blaine yelled at Kurt from across the room as he ran to catch up with him before he walked out the door.

Kurt turned, startled. “Blaine? What--”

“You’ve taken on the Karofsky case? Alone?” Blaine said, livid.

Kurt froze, but quickly composed himself and arched an eyebrow. “Don't sound so excited about it. And yeah, I did.”

“You do realize I’m not gonna let you go, right?”

“Is that so? I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. I’m pretty sure I’m the one that gets to pick my assignments, not you. And besides, you took that mission in Berlise all by yourself just four months ago.”

“That’s different, I am five years in, you’ve only been here for two.”

“And I’ve proven, over and over and over again, that I can keep up with the best of you. I can handle myself just fine, thank you very much.”

"That’s not what I meant! You're so stubborn!" Blaine said, running a frustrated hand through his curls. “You are not going, Kurt!” he said with finality.

“Blaine, nothing short of tying me up will stop me from going out there, okay?”

Blaine’s eyes hardened. “Well, okay then.”

*

“I’m not stupid. Just so you know. I know what I’m doing, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. So, this? This is insulting. Really, now.”

“Look, just. Don't fight me on this," Blaine pleaded, though he knew it was hopeless.

“Blaine, for the love of god, this is ridiculous. Untie me!" Kurt struggled against his restraints.

“Are you going to come to your senses and not go on this insane mission?”

“No.” Kurt struggled some more.

“Then, no. And quit moving around so much, you’re going to throw me off balance.”

Kurt stilled. “Put me down!”

“No.”

Kurt took a moment to assess the situation, asking himself what he would be doing if this were a case. He switched gears. “Do you realize for how long you’ve been carrying me? I mean. Wow. You're really strong." The admiration was genuine, but Blaine didn’t need to know that.

“Neither flattery nor any of the diversion tactics you’ve learned here will get you anywhere tonight, Hummel. You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that stupid move?” Blaine shook his head. “You know, I thought we were--friends,” he said haltingly.

"Friends don't tie friends up!"

“Friends also don’t hide the fact that they’re gonna be embarking on a suicide mission! God, you didn’t even say anything to me in the cafeteria. Were you just gonna up and leave without telling me? How long ago did you even take the assignment, how long have you been hiding this from me?”

Without realizing it, Blaine had picked up the pace in his anger. Kurt squirmed uncomfortably.

"Will you just--slow down. Please. We’re practically there anyway."

Blaine slowed down. He was kind of surprised none of the other agents had stopped them to see why Blaine was carrying Kurt over his shoulder. Or why Kurt was tied up.

When they reached the door to Blaine’s room, he reluctantly put Kurt down. He held his hand against Kurt’s neck, a silent warning for him to not try anything, while his other hand dug through his pocket for his access card.

“You know, you have some nerve!” Kurt exclaimed as Blaine pushed him in his room. “You have no right!”

“Excuse me?”

“Literally every other person in this building has more of a right to do this than you.”

Hurt flashed in Blaine’s eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Did you forget that you did the exact same thing to me with the Berlise job? That I just woke up one day and you were gone?”

“I told you, it was literally last minute, Sam got hurt the night before--”

“Not even a note! Or a text! How much time would that have taken, Blaine? Or if writing was so damn difficult, even a fucking voicemail. You just disappeared.”

“So, what, this is some kind of payback? Are you really going to get yourself killed just to spite me, Kurt?”

Kurt’s lips turned into a thin line. His voice was cold when he spoke. “Unlike you, I’m not going in blind. I’ve read the Karofsky file so many times I’ve had it memorised, and I’ve also read every other file he’s mentioned in. I also asked around and found and read up on every single case, open or closed, where there’s suspected involvement of Karofsky’s organization. Unlike you, I don’t do things half-assed.”

Okay, that stung. “You are so fucking petty.”

“Damn right I’m pretty.”

“I said petty,” Blaine responded, shaking his head but suppressing a smile.

“Oh, I know. I’m just gonna pretend you said pretty so as not to take out my gun and pistol whip you across the face.”

Kurt was sincere in his threat, that much Blaine could see. He was also furious. Blaine was just a little bit too confused for this conversation to work in his favor. “Kurt, come on, are you really still hung up on the Berlise job? It’s been four months.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. Kurt gave him a look so furious, Blaine actually felt a twinge of genuine fear run down his spine.

"Am I just supposed to get over the fact that you died? Treat it as if it didn’t happen, which is what you’re obviously trying to do, considering you didn’t even bother to tell me about it. Would that be more convenient for you?"

Blaine froze. “What? How did you know about that?”

"You died! I saw you die! So don’t you dare imply that I’m being overdramatic, like I’m not supposed to get hung up on that."

Blaine could only repeat himself. “What?”

Kurt wouldn’t look at him. “I was part of the extraction team, Blaine. I was part of the team they sent to bail you out when everything expectedly went to shit, because of course it did, because you stupidly took over a mission the night before its launch without having done any prep beforehand.”

“You were there?” Blaine asked in a small voice.

“Yes,” Kurt confirmed grimly.

A beat of silence.

“I was only dead for, like, twenty seconds.”

Suddenly, Kurt was in front of him, having freed himself of his restraints. Blaine gave himself some credit that he was able to hold him for that long. Kurt pushed him, and Blaine’s back hit the back of his door. Kurt got right up to his face, their noses a hair width apart. They locked eyes.

“Do you know what it was like, sticking those stickers to your chest?” Kurt said in a low voice, his eyes hard, but glistening.

Blaine felt the air leave his lungs. “No. They told me--Santana.”

“Santana likes me more than you. And everyone else is too scared of her to say anything. But, yes, I… I was the one closest to you when you went down. I was the one that searched for a pulse and didn’t find one. I was the one who had to will my fingers not to shake as I tried to remember where to place those fucking stickers and what buttons to push on the defibrillator.”

Blaine swallowed hard. Kurt took a small step back.

“So. Now you know everything. And now--”

“No, I don’t. You’re still mad. There’s more.”

“No, there isn’t.”

“Kurt, come on.”

A beat of silence.

“I’m not mad at you, really.” Kurt exhaled loudly, and seemed to say ‘fuck it’ to himself before continuing, “It’s just… I had imagined what it would be like to undress you again very differently. Not in a filthy warehouse. Not while you were unconscious--while you were dead. I had imagined countless different scenarios about how and when we’d finally stop playing this game of cat and mouse. Who would cave first and come to the other’s room. Neither of us drunk the second time, hopefully. You took that from me, Blaine. From us. And I’m not mad, but -- maybe that’s what you’re reading on my face right now.”

Blaine stood perfectly still, trying unsuccessfully to breathe normally. Kurt continued.

“But maybe that’s a sign. A sign that this, whatever it was, is over.” Kurt breathed in deeply, “Closure sure is something. So, if you could kindly step aside, now. I have somewhere I need to be.”

Blaine stood silently, watching Kurt, watching the tears that still hadn’t left his eyes, willing the tears to disappear from his own, processing everything that had happened in the past two minutes.

“Blaine.” Kurt sighed. “Seriously now. Don’t be nervous. I wasn’t joking when I said I’ve done a lot of prep. More prep than I’ve ever done for a case in my life. There's nothing to fear. I’m not taking this case lightly, and I’m not doing this to spite you.”

Kurt sniffled. Blaine silently handed him his handkerchief. Kurt took it gratefully and smiled tentatively before bringing it up to his nose.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said.

Kurt barely had time to look confused before Blaine’s hand was over his, effectively locking his handkerchief over his nose, and barely had time to realize what was happening before everything went black.

*

He woke up in Blaine’s bed. When the previous day’s memories came back to him, he groaned. Within seconds he felt the bed dip beside him.

“You’re an asshole,” he croaked. He turned his head towards Blaine, and found him smiling. “Such an asshole.”

Blaine just smiled wider. Kurt looked away.

"Fuck you! Or me. I’m not sure. I’m not sure which is up and which is down right now," he said, bringing a hand up to his head. That caused Blaine to stop smiling.

"You're okay, right? Not hurt or anything?"

“Just a headache. You asshole. Now. Help me up.” He extended his hand.

“No,” Blaine said, shaking his head lightly. “Stay in bed. It’s super early.”

Kurt let his head hang down. "Ugh.” His eyes peered up at Blaine. “You annoy the fuck outa me. In case you didn’t know."

"Sh. Go back to sleep."

Kurt quirked his lips up. “No.”

Blaine sighed, trying to look put out, but failing. He didn’t mind, letting the smile spread over his face easily. Kurt’s eyes wandered around the room. “Where did you sleep?” he asked.

“I didn’t.”

Blaine seemed to be contemplating something, and Kurt waited, watching him, watching as his smile slowly faded into a frown.

"You know the worst part? I thought I had nothing to lose."

Kurt was definitely awake now. “What?” he said, sitting up abruptly and almost falling forward before Blaine’s strong arms wrapped around him and straightened him up.

"Steady now. Are you sure you’re okay?"

Kurt ignored the attempt at a switch in the subject. “What do you mean by that?”

Blaine sighed. “When I left. The Berlise job. I could have turned it down.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“I...I had convinced myself that you didn’t want me like I wanted you. Everyone flirts with everyone around here, all the time. You’d flirt back when I flirted with you, but you’d almost never initiate anything, and you’d always have a witty response for everyone else, too.

“Those first few months after you came here? I wanted to kill Jeff, even though I know he’s been with Nick for years and that he flirts with anything that moves, but I’d see you talking, and he’d make you blush and I would have to fight the urge to sneak up behind him and snap his neck. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t handle having to stop myself from touching you and kissing you every time we were in the same room together.

“I felt trapped. Trapped in and by my feelings for you. We’d spend so much time together, and I kept trying to convince my heart that I was making it all up in my head, that your eyes never lingered on me, that your blushes were the same for me as for anybody else, that all you felt for me was friendship. It got to be so bad that I was afraid it would start affecting my work and endanger my place here. So I just--I said yes, just to have something else to focus on, and maybe get the thought of you out of my mind. A stupid decision, really. If it makes you feel any better, it didn’t work.”

They were both breathing heavily after Blaine finished his speech.

“So, what now?”

Blaine looked him over. His expression was so soft it broke Kurt’s heart just a little bit. Blaine reached a hand out and brushed a few strands of hair that had fallen on Kurt’s forehead back.

“Your hair is so soft,” he marvelled.

“Oh no.” Kurt moaned, ducking his head in a futile effort to hide his blush. “That is way too cheesy for this early in the morning.”

Blaine bent down to meet Kurt’s eyes. “Hey. Don’t hide your face. I like your face.” He used a finger to lift Kurt’s jaw.

They both stared at each other in silence. Eyes fell to lips, then rushed back up. Slowly, then both leaned in. They met in the middle.

Blaine’s hands came up to cradle Kurt’s face. Kurt’s hands fisted Blaine’s shirt and pulled him forward. The need for air caused them to eventually pull away.

“You take my breath away,” Kurt said, barely more than a whisper.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Kurt said, smiling a little. “But…”

“What? No, no buts, no buts allowed.” Blaine swept forward and kissed the corner of Kurt’s mouth where it had started to turn downwards.

“Blaine. I’m not sure if this can work.”

“Don’t say that, why would you say that?”

“Blaine? I’m really sorry, but I can’t just not take a mission just because you think it’s too dangerous. Every mission is dangerous, you know that. And I love it here, I love what I do--what we do. I don’t think I could give it up.”

“Kurt, I would never ask you to give this up. I’m not gonna say that I won’t be worried every time you’re out there, and I probably won’t be pleasant company until I have you safe, here, and back in my arms, but I know how competent you are. It’s just this particular mission. Something doesn’t feel right, and I trust my instincts. The two previous agents that took it on died while working on it. I think there may be a mole.”

Kurt looked pensive.

“I still have to try, Blaine.”

“But you don’t have to try alone. We could…you know, go together if you wanted.”

“Together?” Kurt asked, worrying his lip between his teeth.

“Together.”

“Okay,” he said and smiled. Blaine grinned in response.

“Quit smiling at me,” Kurt said, and shook Blaine by the shoulders.

"Make me."

Kurt smirked and, in one swift move, flipped them over. He pecked Blaine on the lips.

“I’m still smiling,” Blaine teased.

Kurt rolled his eyes fondly before leaning down and sealing their lips together once more.

[televisor-reviews]

Top 10 WORST Movies Of 2018!

As everyone is talking about their favorite and least favorite films of last year, I’d much rather take a look at what came out two years ago! This is what I do every New Year, get used to it. And keep in mind that I haven’t seen every film from 2018, so as bad as I’m sure Sherlock Gnomes and Pacific Rim: Uprising are, I haven’t gotten around to them. If you’d like a list of every film I have seen, I have them listed on my Letterboxd: https://drive.google.com/uc?id=1HnDnQ4ibO82ryM9lOCGgw1FZhVLdC4SZ

#10. Fifty Shades Freed On my 2015 list, I didn’t even bother putting Fifty Shades Of Grey on it because I thought it was absolutely hilarious! On my 2017 list, I placed Fifty Shades Darker at the very top for its lack of even the basics of what makes a decent flick, notably there being no real plot. So I guess I’m meeting this franchise in the middle by putting Fifty Shades Freed at the tenth spot for just how batshit this movie is. Shit kinda just happens randomly with little to no reason while also not being funny in the slightest. In fact, large segments of the film is kinda boring, particularly the sex scenes in which there are so many that by the 20th time, you’d just get used to it like a jump scare in Winchester. Really, the biggest reason this is only at #10 is because Fifty Shades Freed has Freed us all from this series, assuming that a film adaptation of Grey isn’t made. And that’s the greatest compliment I’ve ever given to one of these movies. #9. A Wrinkle In Time I once heard someone justify Disney’s live action remakes by saying they help fund their more unique film escapades like Nutcracker And The Four Realms (which barely didn’t make the list). The problem with that is that I don’t want those ether! And considering how Solo and The Rise Of Skywalker turned out, maybe Disney’s live action department should just stick with Marvel movies. Honestly, I don’t completely remember why I left the theater after seeing A Wrinkle In Time so angry, like legitimately pissed off. I remember the girl who looks like one of the Mean Girls being treated like a member of the Losers Club, how terrible the child acting was, how even worse the adult acting was, how annoying everybody who wasn’t Chris Pine was, and how that little kid was named Charles Wallace because the characters said it at least a million times! Considering how angry I am just writing about it, I’m guessing it was a combination of all of those elements being wrapped up with a pretentious bow. Honestly, A Wrinkle In Time was a humongous waste of my time. #8. Show Dogs It’s a bad sign when the movie starring Bojack Horseman yelling at Ludacris dog is only at #8 on my list. The big reason for that is because this is so terrible that I had to break down laughing at times. Not because Show Dogs is genuinely or ironically funny, it’s just so batshit insane that I had to laugh. Almost like a defense reflex: like if I wasn’t laughing, I’d end up jumping off the roof. The plot is crazy, the acting is crazy, the whole fucking idea is crazy! I’d like you to stop and imagine Will Arnett with the straightest face possible yelling at a dog voiced by Ludacris that nobody can actually hear in the middle of a very serious police station about the dog fucking up an undercover job and somehow not laughing your ass off. That is what it was like watching Show Dogs. You’re welcome. #7. Slender Man I think people really downgrade how good horror has been lately. I know that in a world of Insidious: The Last Key and Truth Or Dare, it’s easy to be pessimistic. And I think people also dismiss the greatness the internet has had on modern pop culture. Considering how bad things like Daphne And Velma and Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle are, I kinda get it. In reality, these tend to be the outliers among a lot of greatness, but after seeing Slender Man, I’m starting to think similarly. I was one of the only people who was actually excited about this movie because I’m young enough to remember a time when Slender Man: The Eight Pages was the scariest thing in the world and after seeing how well Hollywood treated the character in Beware The Slender Man, I was really hopeful. Little did I know that Madhouse Entertainment had one of the least interesting and least scary horror movies I’ve ever seen with boring characters, a monster that’s barely in the movie, and a script that’s closer to Rings than it is to its source material. I really hope this’ll go the way of Ouija and Annabelle and end up having a really good followup or else Slender Man will be a huge blot on the legitimacy of the internet. #6. Snake Outta Compton I’m gonna be straight with y’all, I have been doing a pretty bad job at keeping up with horror B-movies lately. I mean, I did watch The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time and Leprechaun Returns but those were mostly just mediocre, even within the context of the rest of their franchises. So when I saw the title Snake Outta Compton, I knew I had to watch it expecting something really stupid and funny as all hell. Instead I got a boring and uninteresting barely even an attempt at cinema. I really hated this film, it’s just such a boringly dull film where little to nothing ever happens and I hated every dumb second of it. The terrible rapping, the awful effects, the horrendous acting, everything in snake Outta Compton sucks and I hate it. #5. Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom Remember that god awful polar bear movie starring Rob Schneider from a few years ago… yeah, they made four of those. Normal people would say the first Norm Of The North was the absolute bottom of the barrel, I say “No!… It’s Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom,” and even more suicidal people would probably say it’s Norm Of The North: King Sized Adventure. If you thought the animation in the original was bad, you’ve seen nothing! This is so bad that I’m not even sure it should be considered animation! This is so bad that it makes Duck Duck Goose look like The Grinch! This is so bad that they couldn’t even get Rob Schneider back! The plot, it’s like this is one of those straight to DVD Disney sequels that were made up of episodes of conceled TV shows except why would anyone try to make Norm Of the FUCKING North into a TV show! But apparently it made money considering how (and I’ll repeat this again) there are four of these! Maybe the immense failure of Arctic Dogs will stop Entertainment Studios from making any more. #4. The Thinning: New World Order Speaking of sequels that’ll make the originals look like masterpieces, we’ve got Logan Paul’s magnum opus, coming straight outta that Japanese suicide forest. A film that tells you that a country made up of the smartest 95% of citizens are stupid enough to not catch on to the pretty obvious government plan going on in this universe. Even more so, apparently presidents to be are allowed to just make major laws that’ll arrest about 50% of the population before being sworn in as president. But even more so, I’m to believe that Logan Paul of all people is smart enough to escape these poorly conceived concentration camps. This is a key example of suspension of disbelief gone too far. I don’t believe for a second that this world actually could exist. And I want everyone reading this to remember The Thinning: New World Order after seeing what I put at number one that even liberals can make terrible movies too! #3. The 15:17 To Paris No shit, this is easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. No joke, no sarcasm, the Clint Eastwood trainwreck that is The 15:17 To Paris is by far one of the worst movies of the decade… and it’s only at #3 on my bottom 10 of the year. Let me explain. Where the absolute bottom of the barrels of the year are total slogs that I wouldn’t be able to stand watching again, this is actually really fun to watch. Immediately after seeing it in theaters, I wanted to see it again just to make sure it wasn’t a fever dream. In every conversation I have, I recommend this movie because it has to be seen to be believed. Of all the films on this list, this is the only one I’d actually recommend to people. No other film has the balls to portray three normies with ADD talking as boringly as possible taking selfies in Venice for 30 minutes for no goddamn reason. In no other movie will you see a bunch of comedians try and do serious roles that they had no right being casted in. When I went back to school and brought this up with my film nerd friends, every one of them had a different story of watching this. My god, please watch The 15:17 To Paris so that we can convince Clint Eastwood into making The 15:18 To Paris. #2. Gotti Let me tell ya, Gotti is one of the wurst felms ya’ll evar see! Who in da hell convinced John Travolta that he culd do serious roles! But in all seriousness, this movie sucks. I’m not super familiar with the story of John Gotti, and by that I mean I’ve never even heard the name before seeing this film. And I’m pretty sure that to even get what’s going on in this, you’d have to see a 3 hour documentary on the guy beforehand or else you’d be incredibly confused the entire time because I know I was! Don’t even ask me what happens in Gotti because I have no clue. It goes all over the place with different characters doing different things at different points in time and eventually, I stopped paying attention! I do remember that there were about 20 characters named “John,” John Gotti only kills one guy though I’m pretty sure that as a mob boss he’d kill more, and I have no idea how this mafia makes money. Oh, and this convicted feline is apparently also Jesus Christ. I’ll tells yas, ya can live 100 yeers an neva see a moovy as bad as Gotti. Before we get to #1, let’s do some runners up!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom I wanted so bad to put this on the list because as a pretty big Jurassic Park fan, I can fairly say that Fallen Kingdom is easily the worst film in the franchise. If only because of that dumb ass twist at the end with that kid I kinda forgot even existed. Or just for those annoying ass comedic reliefs that are consistently useless. Or just because on a base filmmaking level, this movie sucks. Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate Listen, I’m openly and proudly bisexual, so I get how important it is to get good representation out there in the film industry. And I also get why a lot of the Ru Paul: Drag Race fandom has latched onto this series. But Jesus Christ guys, drag queens can do better and they deserve better. From Russia With Hate is definitely a step in the right direction with it being way more interesting and fun than the first Hurricane Bianca… but come on guys! These aren’t good movies! Just watch more Drag Race, it’s much better. The Happytime Murders Disney, please let Muppets Now be good! The puppetry artform deserves better than this garbage! The Happytime Murders is a movie in which half the jokes is that a puppet is jizzing a lot. Honestly, my biggest beef with this film is that it doesn’t even get to the heart of what people love about the Jim Henson style of puppetry, notably the fun. Look at most of the cast, they are very humanoid compared to Kermit The Frog or Fozzy Bear. This movie is, first and foremost, not fun. Bob Lazar: Area 51 And Flying Saucers This is my nomination for worst documentary of the year. It’s just annoying to me that this guy can get away with lying to so many people without any repercussions. In fact, he gets this whole documentary that’s basically sucking his dick the entire time! I went in expecting something along the lines of Behind The Curve, a doc that takes an even stance at looking at its crazy subject matter but in a respectful way. In reality, Area 51 And Flying Saucers isn’t even in the slightest being totally on Bob Lazar’s side without questioning his all knowing wisdom for a second and is n’t respectful in the slightest for the intelligence of its viewers! Fuck this doc! A Simple Favor This is my nomination for best worst movie of the year. A Simple Favor is a crazy film with a cast and crew taking it weirdly seriously for a comedy, all with super monotone voices. None of the actual jokes are genuinely funny but lots of them are ironically hilarious. Granted I was very high while watching this, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best state of mind to be in while watching it! And did I mention how nobody acts during this but rather just say their lines monotonely! Loved it! God’s Not Dead: A Light In Darkness This was the year Christian propaganda got boring. I was so excited when I went to see I Can Only Imagine in theaters as my first theatrical Christian film experience only to be totally disappointed when it turned out to be pretty dull. Even more so when, later on in the year, the newest installment in the world famous God’s Not Dead franchise, the same one that first brought upon this new age of Christian based filmmaking that’s brought me so much joy before, turned out to be similarly dull. There was a split moment when a character states, “Jesus Christ was the original social justice warrior,” when I was brought back to life with its own stupidity, but it turned out to be fleeting. Not outrageous enough to be put on the list, but too outrageous to be any good. So this is how God’s Not Dead ends: not with a bang, but with a whimper. The Meg And speaking of boring, The Meg has to be the most boring shark movie ever made. A film that feels like it lasts for days and in which no real stakes feel like are in play. This has got to be the most boring and dull and uninteresting and BORING movie of the year! And considering how boring of a year it was for film, that’s saying a goddamn lot! Mary Poppins Returns I feel like I went through an arc of my own while watching this. I went from, “this isn’t bad,” to, “okay, this is a little too much like the original,” to, “why the fuck am I watching this?” Mary Poppins Returns feels like one of the Disney live action remakes because it’s basically just a shittier version of the original with absolutely no good reason to exist let alone to watch, especially compared to said original. And the climax makes absolutely no sense with the logic of the film universe; she can literally fly! And by god, does this feel like anything but Mary Poppins. Blockers Listen, I get that this film is sex positive and that’s a really great thing and all the actors are really trying their best. But it is all in vain for this film with a really unfunny script and that’s kinda important for a comedy. Sometimes Blockers can get a chuckle out of me because of how over the top it can get at times but those are just outliers in a mostly mediocre movie that got built up too much because of how much positivity is in this. Proud Mary Proud Mary is the perfect example of a film in which just because someone can do it well, doesn’t mean everyone can. Ever since Quentin Tarantino has been making movies like Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, throw back action films have been really cool to see. Then, all of a sudden, the director of London Has Fallen had to come around and remind everyone that they can’t all be winners. Mostly dull dialogue between characters I don’t care about waiting for the action that isn’t even all that good. I was really hopeful that Proud Mary would be fun, but it’s anything but. #1. The Trump Prophecy Listen, I get that when I say that a movie literally titled The Trump Prophecy is the worst film of the year, it comes off as if I’m making a big political statement but believe me, I am not. Politically, admittedly, I am pretty liberal but I’m not really a political dude. But I do know terrible filmmaking when I see it, and believe it or not, a film about a crazy firefighter who gets a vision in his sleep from a god orb that Donald Trump must be president might not be very good. In fact, fuck this cynical, piece of shit, taking advantage of conservatives, monotonely acted, with no love or passion put into it, goddamn movie! As much as I didn’t like any of the movies I’ve mentioned on this list, it’s clear someone, anyone, was passionate about making them. But considering how clearly the director never asked any of his actors to do a second take, no love is clearly put into this. How cynical, how shameless. As someone who does genuinely love the art of filmmaking and would adore the opportunity to make a relatively big budget movie myself, the fact that something as lifeless as The Trump Prophecy gets to be put into any theaters really pisses me off. Say what you want about The 15:17 To Paris, at least it had its heart in the right place. Say what you want about Gotti, at least John Travolta was obviously passionate about the project. This has nothing and is easily the most hatable film I’ve seen in years!

[shhhnottom]

I Got Bored. Here's A Book

Just a quick warning before we actually start this mass roller coaster of bullshit. If you are easily offended, feel free to stop and reverse your hand to the home page.

Also, this is not a story of any kind. It's just a random bunch of subjects that mean something to me and I ramble on about. I drank quite a lot whilst typing 90% of this and watched a fair amount of Netflix

Just take a look at these chapters. I think you could see where this is going to go:

Depression

Anxiety

Television

Self Harm

Procrastination

One Word Chapter

Didn't See That Coming?

Swearing

Panic Attacks

The End?

Just another warning, there will be a fair amount of swearing in this so if you want to censorit out, feck off. It's safer, trust me.

Depression

Yeah, lets start off dark. That seems like it's going to be a great plan. Let's face it, everyone has their bad days. Try to lie, I dare you. I have mine and they get me to a point where I just want to throw myself into a keg of ale and a couple bottles of whiskey. Has to be the good stuff, otherwise my sadness is made more sad. I mean, who wants to depressed and drink a bottle of Tesco value blended shite when there is a long list that will make you feel slightly better, like Jameson's, Tullamore Dew and Paddy's. Yeah, I went straight for the Irish whiskeys, sue me.

Anyway, after my lengthy dabble with the art of drinking myself into a coma every night, waking up for work in the morning, finishing work and continue to drink, I decided that I need to ruin all of the relationships I have built over the years with a combination of heartfelt insults and trying to throw myself into traffic when they are looking. I'm a lovely person, aren't I?

What I decided to do after several attempts on my own life, well two attempts anyway, is to take the fucking hint and realise I'm not supposed to die. Did you know, that therapy is actually effective and gets you to the place where you feel a lot better and not suicidal any more. You see, it's almost as if the doctors who say you are depressed and need therapy are speaking the truth. Who knew? You know what I found doesn't really help. If you decide that you don't need therapy and that finding pictures of celebrities who have decided to end their own lives and post that shit to Facebook, saying that “Even The Happiest People Are Sad”. Its almost like they decide, before they leave the house, that they don't want people on the outside who have cameras and social media accounts to take pictures of them whilst they are having a bad day, and post it all over the fucking place. Fucking hell, I went to therapy for a year before realising that I'm just a massive idiot and if I thought a little bit differently, I could get over all of that nonsense that was going on inside my head. I, now, look at my depression like its one big fucking meme and take the piss out of myself because that's how I can deal with it. I mean, I don't read books and here I am fucking writing one.

The main reason why I look so differently at depression now is because of the millennials who think because something hasn't gone their way, they have to post shit over social media complaining about how hard life is. You haven't even hit 20 yet, you pricks. Wait until you get to 25 or 30 and come to realise “I'm in a dead end job, going nowhere and I have no money”. Oh Jaysus, wait until that comes along. You will think that not getting laid in that shitty club is a holiday.

I mean, there are some great positives to come out of having depression, going to therapy and getting to a point where you are comfortable with living the life you have been given. I, myself have reconnected with people who I thought I had lost, through my incessant need to push them away. I have a better relationship with my parents, now that we have started communicating properly again. I am a lot less selfish, and have developed  a form of empathy I had no idea I had inside. I've even tried to help some people in their times of need, when they were feeling at their worst. I once wrote a letter to someone to try to make them stop going down the same road I went down:

“I have this incessant need to do stupid things to hurt myself

I have broken my hand multiple times to avoid mental harm but have inflicted physical harm on myself

I have destroyed possible relationships in the desire to remain alone, to stop myself inflicting my mental harm upon others

I have kept myself busy in order to stop myself from pursuing a premature non existence”

Told you before that I was a lovely person.

It turns out that maybe, my experiences, aren't as bad as other peoples. It might also turn out that your experiences aren't as bad as mine but I'm not going to presume. Hopefully, you've enjoyed the first chapter, I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few chapters, mainly because I haven't written them yet.

Anxiety

Disclaimer,

I was fucking hammered and heavily depressed writing this chapter and tried to write it completely in the 3rd person. Enjoy.

Have you ever noticed when people get really offended they decide to inhale very dramatically and hold their chest as if they have been hurt so badly that their heart has been hurt? Imagine if those people develop a heart condition. You'll never be able to tell if they eventually do have a heart attack or if you've just told a really funny joke.

Just to reiterate, “this book” is just my thoughts written down whilst I have a couple of drinks and watch Netflix.

Someone once told me that a persons feelings are subject to the person they are. I know people that are massively bitter and their stomachs always hurt. All they do is moan about what other people do or think and then constantly moan that they are ill.

Here Tom, isn't this chapter about anxiety? I'm fucking getting to it. Chill the fuck out.

Getting back to what I was saying before I was rudely interrupted. This person also told me that they get a sore throat every time they want to say something but they force themselves not to. Can you imagine what that's like? To not say what it is you want to say, just to not offend people.

I get super anxious around people who are better than me. I know someone who is literally the most caring person I have ever met. They care more about other people and how they feel than they do about how their life is going. Another thing I get anxious about is when I  think that I've not accomplished what I thought I would have done by this point. I mean, I could claim that I was from a broken home, had to move from my home country to another and had to start my life from square one but I, then, realise that there are so many more people that go through that and I'm not special.

I've just poured another glass of whiskey. Its just about a half a glass. This shit is difficult to write about, can you tell?

If you haven't noticed yet, I like to make stupid jokes just to pass off that I'm OK in the head. “shakes head dramatically”. I put that in because you cant physically see me and I'm shit at drawing my head shaking.

I know a lot of people who smoke an arse tonne of weed just to get over their anxieties. Have you ever smoked weed? That shit is scary. I remember one time, New Year I think, I was working. Showed up at 10am, was supposed to be on until 6pm but it was so quiet that I got sent home after 2 hours. I went to the nearest town and drank like half a bottle of whiskey, well Jack Daniels. Does that count as whiskey? Its basically sugar with some ethanol. Along with several pints of beer and a shit burger from a Wetherspoons. Anyway, after drinking myself into a stupid comatose state where I was still somewhat functioning, myself and one of my friends went back to his house and he broke out the weeds, the green, the marry Joanna. After quite a lot of smoking and a bit more drinking I decided I needed to rest my eyes for a moment, just a single moment. Suddenly, I felt slightly ill in the stomach. I remember saying to him, “If you don't get a bucket, I'll throw up all over your floor”. However the video suggests something different. Yeah, there's a video. It goes something like this: “mmmmmmmmmmm mumuumumumu bucket muumuu floor”. The point is, there was a massive stain on his bedroom carpet for 6 months after. He didn't let it go. At all. The bastard.

That whole story doesn't explain how weed doesn't help my anxiety but I ran out of shit to say and I thought that would break some tension. Hopefully.

I'm currently listening to a song that tells you how to kill yourself. Yeah, this got dark really quick. Although, it has a great message. Don't rely on pop stars to write a song that will resonate with your feelings. Lady Gaga doesn't care if someone found her lyrics about the paparazzi inspirational enough to make them not kill themselves. (There are many pop stars out there who do the same thing, Lady Gaga was just the first person who came to mind). They've made their money, after that they just carry on making new “inspirational songs” and go on a new tour, make more money and the cycle continue. I listen to Twenty One Pilots' album Vessel when I feel really anxious. Seriously, those guys write about what they feel instead of what some songwriter thinks what other people feel.

Hey Tom, how are you going to bring this chapter out of the hole its in? You expect me to be funny and make a point? Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah....Hey Jude.

I've been at this chapter for too long now. I'm fucking done. Good luck understanding this mess I've just read this back. I mean, seriously, if you've got through this well done.

Television

Ah now for fucks sake. Who's idea was it to put in Television as a chapter? Mine? Nah, doesn't sound right. I'm not that fucked up to put this in here. I mean I'd put in music or video games. I'm more interested in those than I am in TV. Fine, Fucking, Fine. I'll talk about this stupid subject. I mean, fuck me. Dumb ass.

At this current moment in time I am watching the second season of Jack Ryan and I can conclusively say that I am not disappointed. Two episodes in and it has been a massive thrill ride. I mean, to go into Venezuela at the current moment is brave just to film a TV show. They must have spent more money picking the safest place to film there than it cost to pay the actors. I could imagine that John Krasinski isn't that cheap to hire after the first series and after the US Office. Not including his directorial debut in the Quiet Place. Magnificent.

I've also watched the Netflix series Daybreak about a dirty bomb going off in L.A and only people under the age of 18 surviving. Very clever concept for a show, and the fact that they managed to film in parts of L.A is even more impressive for a small time TV show.

3 paragraphs I managed to get through before getting to a point. I decided to throw on the last thing I was watching on Netflix to emphasise said point. Yeah, I'm watching the last series of How I Met Your Mother. DONT START. Seriously, I know. Up until the last 2 episodes it was OK. It was a great story overdone by bad direction.

4 paragraphs, look at me.

OK, by this time, I'm sure you're getting it. TV is a great way to distract yourself from the real world. A great way to distract from your problems in the world. I mean, you've got to find the right show for you but there are so many out there at the moment and so many ways to watch them. There will always be people who say that you shouldn't waste your time sat and watching TV, go do something with yourself. Just imagine what those people do when they get in from their days at work. They come home, sit in an empty chair and look at their walls. I mean, they could be reading a book. Preferably, this one. Or maybe not, but my point is still valid. You could read your books and force your brain to imagine the world that the book is coming to or you could spend the time to celebrate the people that have done that before you and decided to 'Do something with themselves' and make their favourite book into a magnificent visual performance. I mean, at this point, I have switched to the modern Sherlock Holmes series, which as everybody knows is brought to life from the many stories written by Arthur Conan Doyle. This TV show is 90 minutes long per episode and is very entertaining, so you never seem to notice that the time goes by. This means that if you are feeling a certain way at the start of the show, there is a 90 minute period where your feelings could change, your opinion of the world could change.

OK, I have nothing left to rant about here. If I were to speak about another music or video games I would have been here for another 6 pages but I figured your time would be spent better here.

I mean I wrote the names of the chapters before I wrote the actual chapters themselves so you're as stuck as I am with what gets written. I could change this but where's the fun in that.

Good luck reading the next chapter. I promise, I will be completely hammered writing it because I'm going to continue writing after this chapter. I am currently on the verge of tears now so, I guess good luck to me too. Thank you for reading up to this point if you have. I've tried to keep it fun but now I'm into serious mode.

Self Harm

Hey people, lets enter dark mode. I mean every other company on the planet has already done it. I mean, apart from Facebook but those bastards let political propaganda through, so I guess that counts.

I mean, that's the shortest joke I've told so far so, for the people that know me, know that this will be a bastard of a chapter. And also ,for people that know me will also be looking at this chapter going, 'He's not seriously going to talk about this, is he?' Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Over the last five years, there have been several moments I am ashamed of. All of which are my own fault. I once launched an egg at someone because the oil that I was supposed to put it in splashed at me.

Did you know that even talking about a certain subject can sometimes bring up feelings you hate? Coming to realise that.

I fell for a woman. Gorgeous, smart, beautiful. We had a lot in common. She was my perfect equal apart from she was caring and humble about it. I'm an arrogant bastard. She was single at the time and I thought I had some form of chance to win her over not knowing everything about her. At this time, I was a very possessive person. I would have done anything to be with her. I let this attribution take control of me at the worst time. I wanted to play the long game, get to know her and eventually ask her out. I went out for drinks with a friend one night. Got absolutely rat arsed. I found out, that night, that she had been asked out by somebody else and she had accepted. I didn't know her very well by this point but because of my possessive compulsion, I took this very personally. It was neither of their fault, just myself.

Some time had passed and I was trying to prove my self worth to this woman. She was still with the same man and I was still jealous. Another night, another time these people were around me, another time that I tried to make it about me.

9 shots of tequila later. 9 exactly. Someone kept count by keeping a tally on my arm. In marker, before you get to excited. I'm not sure of how many other drinks on top but it was 9 tequilas. Anyway, I'd had some minor thoughts in the past of how my life should end but that night my head went into overload. You know, that summer was so bad for me I don't even know if this was the same night. Anyway, after some time and a lot of drinks later, I figured that this was the end of the night for me. Well, end of something for me. I had decided that this was the last straw for my bad luck in this world.

There is a point where half the people I know think a certain habit started but in actual fact this story is where my habit actually began. Everyone has their own stories, where they cut their wrists to fill some form of void, to feel. There are some people who look for it sexually, unfortunately I'm not the lucky. I decided this night out of pure frustration to pull said woman aside, point at a wall and told her that was how I felt when I was around her at that point. I was a brick wall. I wanted noting else at the time to kill that brick wall. So, what I did next is, by far the thing I regret the most. Out of everything I've ever done and believe me, I've done some bad shit. Over and over again, I punched that wall until I could no longer feel my hand and then, I carried on until I broke my hand and then, I carried on until somebody pulled me away from the wall. By this time, I had broken my hand in 2 places, I was bleeding all over the place and I had broken every friendship I had built and every relationship I had hoped to build. I think the most embarrassing thing for me was, the person who bandaged me up was the person who had the balls to ask the woman I had fallen for. Could you imagine? This was the person I had blamed for driving me to the place I was. He helped bandage me up and the woman who I had fallen for was consoling me and trying to help me get through what was in my head. I could not take this. In my head, I would never be able to recover from this. I continued for another 18 months to cut myself, punch walls, headbutt walls, kick and break my hand and other bones in my body. I was always in a mental state where I never thought that I was good enough until I decided that enough was enough.

Surprisingly, when people say that therapy works, they are telling the truth. Big wow. I think its safe to say I am definitely stupid enough to continue writing this nonsense. Well there's a few more chapter so lets see where we end up.

Procrastination

OK so its been a solid 2 months since I wrote the last chapter, which is long enough by anyone's standards, but for me, being the stubborn prick that I am, is no time at all. I mean, I can not do something for an extended period of time. It took me a year to launch a business I could have launched in 6 months only because I changed my mind on whether or not I wanted to start the bastard thing in the first place. It took me spending a grand on my first design to actually say, “Yeah, I'm in too fucking deep here to pull out”.

I've gone through 90% of my life not doing things when they needed to be done in favour of doing them the very last second, mostly because I was scared that they would never work out in the way that I wanted them to and that I would constantly be they failure I feared I always would be. I never believed that anything I was doing was worth the time or effort to do. I decided at the very end of college that I wanted to go to university but by the time I had decided this, it was too late to take seriously and I missed out. I did 3 years in college whilst everybody around me only did 2 because of this. Still, I never went to university so I guess that third year was pointless but the point was that I spent so much time on the internet playing online games instead of revising for exams and concentrating on my coursework.

This got very serious when it got suggested to me that I might need to go to therapy to sort out what was going on inside my head. I kept telling people that I would go eventually because I never though that I was “that” bad but going by what you have read in the previous chapters proves that I made the mistake of putting it off. Big woop. I did go in the end but it took some serious relationship breakdowns, quite a few broken bones and the attraction to my inevitable early grave to accomplish.

I think the message here is to not be afraid of what you thin will fail. Give what you want a try and if it fails, get back up and try it again in a different way. Never give up on something if you really want it to happen and listen to the people who you care about, who also care about you. Especially when they are telling you something is wrong and they are concerned.

One Word Chapter

Vukei

Didn't See That Coming?

Yeah, you probably should have seen that one coming. Its literally called a one word chapter.

It took me two minutes to choose the word. I had an unlimited choice to go with across multiple languages, so me being me went for the most obscure language of Fijian. What does the word mean? Do I look like Google?

There is no moral to this chapter. I just needed to fill in a gap to make this “book” look more full than it actually is. I mean, the moral could be that I've got to a point where I am comfortable enough to actually start doing what I say I am going to and then do it. I still get people telling me to do the most ridiculous things and saying that I will never do them because of the person I used to be. Imagine the look on their faces when I actually come through with the goods. I started a joke with a friend where , when we worked together, we would always listen to Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus whilst we worked and when we stopped working together, whenever the song came, we would SnapChat the other whilst the song was on. We said that this wouldn't last long so I personally made sure that the joke carried on. At the time of this being written we haven't worked together for over a year and the joke is still going.

Swearing

Welcome to this shit storm of a chapter. Do you ever notice that when you hurt yourself in a bad way you cant help but swear. That's because it releases a small amount of dopamine into your brain to help ease the situation you are in and stops some pain in the process. Weird, right? I'm in the strange occupation of chef where I am constantly getting burnt, cut and verbally abused in different languages, so swearing is one of those things that helps with the day to day survival of working in kitchens. I could fall into one of the other 5 habits that a chef develops as a result of the stupid work that we have to do. Those habits being:

Drug Abuse

Alcohol Abuse

Gambling Addiction

Caffeine Addiction

Smoking

I do suffer from 2 of these. Not saying which ones but I do have people around me that think I'm on at least 4 of them so that's nice but in every profession there is the secret, hidden thing that helps them through the day and that's the swearing aspect. I don't think, in the last 3 years, I have gone a day without telling someone that they should fuck themselves or that they are a cunt with them being aware that I am just taking the piss out of them an I don't mean half the shit I say. It just becomes habit to tell people to fuck off or suggest that they shove a large object up their rectums.

I used to knock the shite out of walls to relieve stress but I would always swear like a cunt after I would do it thinking to myself “You are a stupid prick and I hate you”. I would then look at my hand, laugh and say out loud “Ha you are a cunt”. The thought was always I would get over some of the pain if I constantly just swore to myself and carried on as if nothing had happened. Of course, my hand would always hurt for days afterwards and I would be swearing until it healed only to find another wall to knock shite out of and the process would start all over again.

Panic Attacks

A friend once said to me, “Bring A Harmonica Everywhere You Go, So If You Have A Panic Attack You Can At Least Make Some Music”. I never bought the harmonica but it is a very good way to portray what its like to have regular panic attacks. Could you imagine just busking in town, guitar in hand trying to be the next Ed Sheeran and then suddenly, your heart starts to blast out of chest, you feel light headed and you start to hyperventilate. That would be the best time ever to pull out your harmonica. You'll be on the floor with tears rolling down your face but you'll be smashing that cover of You Don't Know How It Feels by Tom Petty.

I starting writing this back when I was having regular panic/anxiety attacks, every 2-3 days in fact, but getting to this point its a bit more every month so, yay progress but I wrote the chapters out months before and I said I would follow through with it so here I am.

Funny story, I once had a panic attack in a nightclub whilst sat on a replica of The Iron Throne from Game of Thrones, whilst my friend was out on the pull. That's the whole story, seriously, but could you imagine having a great time up until the point when you realise you are surrounded by 250+ people you don't know, with a severe case of crowd anxiety and your friend abandons you for the prospect of sex. My head exploded and there was a very attractive looking wall outside that I felt needed a makeover. Never got the makeover, the lucky bastard.

I used to make the biggest mistake for myself whenever I felt anxious, panicky or depressed because when my depression was really bad, my drinking made it so much worse because I lost the control that I had over myself. My mistake in recent times is that, when I started to feel like my old self, I would have a drink to try to combat it. That is the mistake I would make. Try to stay away from my old self by doing what my old self would do.

Its got to a point now where, even where I am reading this back, and nothing in my body reacts. No anxiety, no panic and no depression. Well, saying that, I still have those feelings but they are not nearly as hurt filled as they were in the past. My secret, apart from therapy, on how I deal with life and why I am the way I am now is.

The End?

I mean, is there really an end to a story, an idea? I do have secrets, everyone does. My biggest is that I made a character in myself to try to avoid loving myself and anyone else. I acted as if I didn't care about other people to make it easier on myself if it came to a point where they let me down or, in the more realistic circumstance, where I let them down. I always tell people that I'm not a nice person to put them off this fact so that they see me as the character I made up. I make certain jokes to people to put them off and I say things to them to give them the idea that they need to avoid any form of relationship with me so that they don't get hurt in the crossfire of what I am.

In the 2 years since I have made this character, only 3 people have seen through it and seen me underneath, no matter how much I have tried to put them off. One of which is my mother, another being the woman mentioned in the Self Harm chapter and one more person who I fell for but not in the way I have before. Only because I am afraid of what would happen to me if I had made the same mistakes from before. Its really irritating trying to get people to keep the secret that I am a horrible bastard so I can stay in my own little bubble.

At the time in which I am typing this, I have not been to therapy for 2 months. In this time, I have learnt that:

Not everyone is out to get me

Not every decision I make will fail

I have the self control to not hurt myself physically or mentally

My emotions are not here to hurt me

I am capable of loving myself along with someone else

I am a nice person and I don't need to hide behind my old self

Swearing actually does help, I don't have any regrets there

Bring a harmonica to a panic attack if I want to be the next Tom Petty

Don't throw away the opportunity to love if given it. It will bite you in the arse if you do

Safe to say, even though I have my bad days, I have, recently, barely gone a day without having a smile on my face. For those who know me will know that this is a rare occurrence.

I don't think there will be a day where I don't think about the person I used to be. I'm sure I will use this as a defence mechanism in the future but I know that I will eventually get over it. If you ever see me later, if I ever just clench my fist. Just know that I am trying to counter act my old self. Not very helpful but still.

I want to thank every person who has helped me become who I am now because who I was previous was, to put it lightly, a total cunt. I have become a functioning person, with some glitches, only a couple though. I decided to thank everyone who helped me in person months ago but it needs to be said again to solidify my authenticity.

If you have read it to this far, you are one of the people who have helped me, inadvertently, but still thank you.

Tom

[nerdsideofthemedia]

Should the term “Mary Sue” be retired?

The original. 

I didn’t have any intention of posting my non-RWBY, non-MHA blog posts here, but here’s this one seems to be becoming important with the rise of the claims that Arya Stark is a Mary Sue. So here it goes:

In my walks through Dan Olson’s twitter, I came across this:

Which got me thinking: is the term “Mary Sue” completely pointless?

Before I wonder about this question, let’s take a quick journey through time. In the 70s, Paula Smith noticed a character pattern among the Star Trek fanfic and created a parody to point this out, “A Trekkies’s Tale”, whose protagonist was called Mary Sue. During the following years, the “Mary Sue” wasn’t necessarily considered as something bad, instead it was considered as a phase every writer will go through as it was intimately associated with self-inserts and was only applied to fan-fictions1;2.

In recent years, the term has left the fanfic and began being applied to original fiction too, losing its meaning along the way and gaining a pretty negative connotation. In fact, nowadays, “Mary Sue” is such an extremely subjective term that even TV Tropes admits:

“TV Tropes doesn’t get to set what the term means, the best we can do is capture the way it is used.” 1

Hell, I’ve even come across with this subjectivity, as once I called Orihime from Bleach a Mary Sue, on youtube, and one person defended my use of it by explaining she was liked by everyone, which wasn’t the reason I considered a Mary Sue to begin with and consider that justification to be pretty dumb.

Why is being liked by everyone not a good parameter?

Have you ever read/watched a shonen? Most of the good guys are on good terms. Even when there is some animosity between a main character and another one, it’s usually because of the other, like Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z, who dislikes Goku because he’s better than him, not because of anything egregious the latter did. In “My Hero Academia”, Bakugo hated Midoriya mostly because of pride and arrogance (they are now on good terms).  Yes, the Avengers may have not loved each other from the get-go, but, by the end of the film, they were ready to live happily ever after. And when the sequels even stop (they never will), they will end up being on good terms.

Another definition of what is a “Mary Sue” is it’s a character that is overpowered/great set of skills + tragic backstory, (sometimes even without the latter). So let’s take a look at:

Superman: an alien whose planet was destroyed, adopted by 2 humans, and has a set of skills that would make Goku turn… Well, he would probably just find it cool, but Vegeta’s head would explode for sure as he threw a temper tantrum. His powers include flying, super speed and strength (to the point of almost completely invulnerability), X-ray and heat vision.

Bruce Wayne: a poor (not literally) orphan who was raised by his butler and whose riches go beyond Taylor Swift’s wildest dreams, let alone poor (far more literal) little us. Thanks to it, he has access to technology that has little to no limitations, yet his money never ends.

Goku: an alien whose planet was destroyed, adopted by an old man who was killed by him in giant monkey-form. Not only he can fly, he is particularly powerful even for his people even though he’s a low-level specimen according to the planet’s hierarchic structure.

Ichigo: a guy who turns out to be part-Hollow, part-Shinigami, part-Vizard, part-who-the-hell-even-cares-anymore, even though some of them are pretty rare.

Harry Potter: an orphan raised by his aunt and her family, who all treat him badly, finds out he’s a wizard and finds out his parents have left him a mountain of gold (literally). Everyone either admires him or feels jealous as he is famous for “defeating” a particularly powerful wizard as a baby, without any damages besides a scar. He’s also part of a prophecy.

What about those self-inserts?

I guess we could still use the term as just a self-insert, but considering that most of the time we don’t know the writers, then we can only know their self-insertion if they tell us.

It also doesn’t justify its negative connotation. Writers are people, I presume, which means they have flaws. So why is a character based on oneself bad? Provided the writers are realistic and self-aware, those should be some of the most realistic characters. Now, I know there’s a trap in here, which is the tendency of favoring ourselves and make us just a bit (or a lot) more special than we actually are, but 1) this doesn’t necessarily happen to every self-insert; 2) that can happen whenever writers begin to favor a character for whatever reason, even if it wasn’t a self-insert, leading it to become more and more special or less flawed.

They’re the personification of perfection.

OK, except perfection seems to be kind of subjective, since what I like isn’t the same as everyone else’s. I mean I may like active characters and some may like passive characters. You may think perfection is pizza without pineapple, while I say “you are objectively wrong”.

Jokes asides, being different human beings, usually we end up writing “perfect” characters with our definition of it, which may not correspond to someone else’s.

For example, Bella Swan is called “Mary Sue” a lot for being perfect, but she’s deeply flawed. She’s co-dependent and suicidal. Edward Cullen is the one “Gary Stu” that actually stuck, yet he’s manipulative and a stalker. Yet, there is truth to the claim they are perfect, not to me, but to Stephanie Meyers as they are both idealizations to her, regardless of our opinions of them.

I suppose a character can be drop dead gorgeous, have all sorts of skills and being loved by everyone, but, eventually, he/she will make something that many will consider to be wrong. If that doesn’t happen, then there’s probability not a good conflict, which reveals that, maybe, the problem is in the story itself, not necessarily in the character.

Speaking of subjectivity in flaws and virtues…

“So why did you used to call Orihime a Mary Sue?”

Well, because I thought her flaws were inconsequential with Bleach begging me to sympathize with her for awful reasons and smart characters being really stupid, meaning causing unnecessary plot-hole or plot-contrivance for her. The few most glaring examples I recall (and I’ve read/watched Bleach at least half a century ago, so it’s possible there are a few lapses in my memory) being:

Her almost kissing Ichigo while he was unconscious. That scene is framed as if I am supposed to sympathize with her, instead of what it actually is: creepy as hell and also falls under almost sexual assault in many countries.

Her having an obsession for Ichigo to the point of only thanking him for coming for her in her mind, even though Rukia, Chad, Uryu and Renji were also there to save her. This again is framed as I’m supposed to empathize with her, instead of thinking she’s being narrow-minded and has an unhealthy obsession with Ichigo.

About others acting stupid: Uryu takes her to where Ichigo and Ulquiorra are fighting even though where they were before, Ichigo was losing cause he was holding back to avoid hurting her. Yes, the other place was bigger, but their powers were huge and Uryu taking Orihime should have been a stupid idea (and he’s supposed to be smart).

Not to mention, of course, she resurrects Ichigo by crying and yelling his name which was also major bullshit.

And yes, it’s time to talk about the gender-thing and to admit to my own prejudices despite being a woman, because Orihime isn’t the only character I know who has her flaws not being acknowledged or being perceived as good. Many male characters have all of those yet, I still don’t call them “Gary Stu” or any other male equivalent.

Sun Wukong from RWBY has pretty much all the same problems as Orihime: he stalks Blake for months yet faces no actual consequences. And his actions were framed in the show as “needed”, even though they weren’t since the entire Menagerie arc could be written without him with only minor changes. Creepy actions being framed as right and sympathetic – check.

He also abandons his team several times, which, again, was inconsequential (even if he confesses to being an awful leader in V6) and no way in hell a combat school would interrupt classes for an entire year. He’s completely oblivious of the Faunus struggle, though he’s a Faunus and goes to school in one of the most racist territories. And Blake goes from super paranoid to so relaxed she doesn’t even believe him when he says he saw a WF member wearing a mask for no apparent reason. If I had to guess it’s because if she kept being super paranoid, it would stand to reason she would be the one noticing Ilia spying all by herself, rendering him almost useless and without interrupting her talk to Ghira, which would have made Sun completely pointless. At some point, Orihime became all about Ichigo, Sun was always all about Blake (until V6).

Like I said, I have criticized Sun for being badly written, unnecessary and the contrivances his presence demanded, but I have never ever called a “Gary Stu”. Looking back, I think it’s a combination of a few reason:

I know “Mary Sue” is a term too subjective to be used without an explanation afterwards;

We just don’t tend to hold the same standards for male characters;

Even when we use them for male characters, it almost never sticks.

And I know I’m not the only one doing this.

Once, I came across an article that accused several characters of being a “Mary Sue”, including Orihime, but because she’s too perfect (are you sure about that?) and Sailor Moon, yet claimed Goku wasn’t one.  It’s particularly funny, because Sailor Moon is written to be more flawed than Goku (even if I much higher tolerance for Dragon Ball and DBZ to Sailor Moon).

Goku is an absent father and husband, yet his family never really holds that against him. His wife may complain about it a few times during the anime, but there’s no real strife between them and Gohan never holds it against him either. He gives Cell a senzu bean so that he and Gohan can have a fair fight, even though the entire world is at stake. It still is mostly inconsequential, until Gohan’s arrogance gets in the way.

Meanwhile, Sailor Moon is stupid, coward and petty many times, and it’s clear the writers knew it because they acknowledge those flaws within the show. She is mocked because of them, and her lack of resilience even leads to the death of one of the Sailors in a season finale, if I remember correctly (admittedly, I watched it 5 centuries ago, so I might be wrong). Yes, I know they come back from the death.

This is not an argument that Goku should be called a “Mary Sue/Gary Stu”, rather that the term is heavily gendered. It’s much more applied to female characters and even when used for a male one, it almost never sticks. Even in the example I gave, Edward Cullen, which was successfully labeled as “Gary Stu”, still feels like it was gendered-motivated. Not because of his own, obviously, but for the target audience’s: the majority girls and women. So there we notice another double-standard: the sex of the target audience also affects the claims to “Sueness”.

Ultimately, I have to agree with Dan, with the term “Mary Sue” being too subjective to actually have any validity and is deeply rooted in sexism. Explaining why a character doesn’t work for us  and why we think they’re badly written is far more productive. Let’s keep in mind, we aren’t supposed to like every character writers make, even the ones who are meant to be likable and relatable.

Note: Yes, I watched Overly Sarcastic Productions’ video on the subject. While I like Red’s take, I’d say almost no character in original fiction fits the mold. That in itself wouldn’t be the problem, but the fact that it will remain extremely subjective, I still find the term to be counter-productive, heavily gendered and it needs to die.

1 – https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

2 – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue