#i know itll come back in waves but it really was a good day

[good-beans]

Depression post from last night CANCELED we had a good day today and I am once again full of joy and whimsy 😎👍

[witheringwidgetwrites]

an mc with echolalia repeating noises/words/phrases the demon bros say (especially things in demonic language) and some of them getting Annoyed thinking its you mocking them and challenging them (lucifer, satan) or that ur making fun of them in a demeaning way (levi, mammon) and the general confusion and possible angst from hurt feels bc they dont know this is just a Thing some humans do. i think solomon would get caught in a loop with mc tho especially during nightbringer era like sol makes a Noise, mc repeats it, they go back and forth bc sol thinks its cute n understands the stimming nature it can have and everyone else is just '???? did the humans break???'

sorry if this doesnt make much sense its 3 am for me but i saw the ask abt demons not rly understanding humans and was like. lets take it up a notch with autistic (and other neurodivergent) traits and behaviors. bewilder those bitches some more. also i love ur writing its so good thank you for all youve blessed us with <3

AutismCore me me me me me relatable i love this ask sm i am stimming rN

pls send in a req for the others! if i do all in 1 post itll be soo long (also if u want a longer one send in 1 character and we can get some real angst in here)

Lucifer is one who doesn't mind very much. He's used to the Anti-Lucifer-League mocking almost everything he says, so there's not surprises there. However one evening at the dinner table, he it comes along in passing.

"Yes, I've never quite understood if you enjoy my presence or not, as you seem to mock me so often, MC."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"I heard you the other evening, you were speaking of what I had said to you, repeatedly. If I recall, it was, 'Don't dally with the dragons, MC'," he smiles at you, but there seems to be a little aggression behind it.

"Oh no, that's not mocking, Luci, it's called echolalia! It's a symptom of my autism." You go on to explain, and it seems like a small wave of relief washes over his eyes.

"Very well. I'm glad we got that misunderstanding cleared up."

The one who avoids you is Mammon, he's only now been caught up to by you, as you sit into the chair next to him at dinner. It's mostly quiet, until everyone has left, besides you him, and Leviathan and Beel, who are having this own conversation. You speak quietly, "have you been avoiding me, Mammon?"

"Why'd ya think that? Maybe it's you avoiding me!"

"Well, I haven't seen you almost at all in 4 days. Everytime I see you, you turn the other way. You feel the sting of fresh tears start to burn in your eyes, and Mammon can't help but feel a little guilty.

"Why'd ya even want to be around me, I heard you mocking me. You were sayin' 'mammoney' over and over."

"No, Mammon, that's not it at all!" You furrow your brow, and more tears start to come forward. This is not the first time you have been misunderstood by someone about your symptoms. You go on to explain, practically pleading with him to believe you.

"So it's just somethin' some humans do? Really? I think Levi does that sometimes," he chuckles, a small blush gracing his features.

The one who is most hurt by the misunderstanding is Leviathan. For sure. He heard you saying "Ruri-chan" over and over to yourself and assumed you were making fun of him. He hid away from you for days until you caught up to him, and asked if he'd been avoiding you. You missed your best friend dearly. "Of course I have! I heard you mocking me! I thought we were friends." His frown was evident, and you had to pry to find out what he was talking about. "Leviathan, what in the world are you talking about?"

"I heard you! You said," in his best mimicking voice he could muster, "Ruri-chan, over and over."

You were quick to stop him, trying your best to explain. He was still hurt, but he did feel a little silly.

"Oh, I guess that makes sense. I do that too sometimes, repeat things when they're f-fun to say, I mean," he seems to trail off, averting his gaze. His anger had not dissipated, and he felt silly for ever being mad.

"I-I'm, I'm sorry for misunderstanding you, MC."

[lesbianicbitch]

Christmas Time {Wanda Maximoff × Fem!Reader}

Warnings: sum mention of fucked up past, fluff, not too long

PoV Y/n

I couldnt sleep. It was December 24th, late at night and i was awake with my girlfriend, Wanda. We had been watching those cheesy Christmas movies for hours on end now. Why? Because hell i was excited for Christmas.

The past years, i never really got to celebrate, because i was living in a shitty household with abusive people. It wasnt a great time, but one day, I discovered i had some kind of super powers. I was able to shapeshift. It was super cool, i always turned into other people.

The avengers had soon seen me, while in a fight. Wanda saved me from getting crushed by some falling down building pieces. I had looked at her, absolutely stunned because of her beauty. I didnt know if i wanted to be with her, or be her. Yeah well, then i felt something tingly in my body and the witch had looked at me with a shocked expression. I turned myself into her. Funny story, because now, she was my girlfriend and i was with her and could be her.

Well, lets get back to the point.

The Avengers took me in and i was now a big part in the team. Everything felt like family, the family i never really had. We had movie nights, would go out, Tony loved hosting parties for literally no occasion. They were always a lot of fun, and also i told Wanda about my feelings towards her at one of those parties. Yes, yes I was drunk, otherwise i was too shy to speak to her.

"My love? Are you okay?" My girl pulled me out of my thoughts. "Huh? yes! I just thought about how lucky i am to have you as my girlfriend" I said with a smile. "Aw, youre adorable. But dont you think we should get some sleep soon? Its already like 2 am and we have Christmas tomorrow!" Wanda smiled. "I knooow, but im not tired and i wanna see Santa" I whined. "Baby, as much as it hurts me, but Santa doesnt exist, you know that" Wanda sighed. "No he exists, dont say he doesnt, you wont get presents otherwise. I put some cookies and milk out for him! I swear itll be gone when we go into the living room tomorrow!" I said, looking at Wanda. She laughed and turned off the TV. "Yeah for sure it will, now come on. If you dont sleep now, Santa wont come for you Baby" my witchy said. "Fine.. but dont you dare take my presents away from me. I gotta pee before i sleep" I mumbled, a little grumpy. I always got grumpy when i was sleep deprived, and i have been awake for super long. "Fine, but hurry your cute ass" Wanda laughed.

i stood up and went into the bathroom and after I finished my business, i washed my hands. Thats when i heard it. Bells, bells of a sleigh. I rushed out to our window of the avengers tower, looking over New York.

"Wands!! Come look!!" I squealed happily. "What is it now, did you see Santa?" Wanda laughed but came over to me. I pointed outside to a sleigh, guided by reindeers. And in that special, flying sleigh, there he sat. Santa Clause. I felt like a little child, overly happy that Santa did exist. Just like i had said. I waved in excitement while wanda stood next to me, mouth agape, not believing her own eyes. Santa waved back to me, making me jump up an down. "did you see that? Santa waved to me! I told you he was real! Santa Clause waved to me!!!" I danced and flapped with my hands happily. "Yeah.. I saw that, my Love.." Wanda said, still stunned by what she had seen.

Eventually, Wanda succeeded in pulling me to bed, having me trapped in her arms. "Santa Clause waved to me.." I whispered, before i fell asleep with a smile on my face.

The Christmas Morning came, and I awoke, being showered in kisses all over my face. "Good morning and happy Christmas my love" Wanda said with a smile, before placing a kiss on my lips. "Happy Christmas darling" I said after kissing her back. "Did you sleep well?" I asked, while sitting up. "More than that, how about you?" wanda replied, pulling me into her arms. "Yes, the very best" I giggled, hugging her tightly.

"Now come on!! I wanna unwrap my presents! I giggled, pulling Wands up with me. We wore matching Pyjamas, both in a Christmas design. Mine was with Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer, and hers was with Santa Clause. We looked absolutely adorable.

Wanda and I went into the Kitchen that was connected with our living room, seeing the big Christmas tree with all those presents underneath. I jumped up and down happily, before saying good morning to everyone. They found my happiness adorable, as they knew i never experienced Christmas very happily. "Before you can unwrap, we all eat breakfast together, we do that every year, come here baby" Wanda smiled, pulling me on her lap at the table. When i got too excited over something, i wasnt able to sit still on my own, so wanda loved having me sit on her lap.

We had various things for breakfast, pancakes, bacon, toast, fruit salad and way much more. It was an amazing breakfast and we talked about so many subjects. Peter, MJ and Aunt May also came to the compound, Tony invited them over. Tony and Pepper where parent figures for me, and May was.. well, like an aunt to me. Peter was like a brother. It was the best family. Nat and Yelena were also like aunts, and Kate was my best friend in the world. She wasnt here today sadly because she spent Christmas with Clint and his family. But theyd come over tomorrow!

Steve could be a bit annoying but other than that, he was alright. Bucky was actually a softie, and Thor and Loki were like uncles. I loved Asgard, and i loved hanging with auntie Carol and Valkyrie. I had a big family, and it was the best family i could wish for.

Finally, we finished breakfast. everyone noticed i couldnt sit still any longer and we decided on doing the dishes later. We all went into the living room, everyone looking for a place to sit.

I loved sitting on the floor, so Wands and i settled onto our big fluffy carpet, me sitting between her legs. It was cozy, everyone was wearing their Pyjamas still, all in a Christmas design.

We all gave each other some gifts, wanting to unwrap them at the same time, while talking a bit over this and that.

Wanda insited I opened hers first and she should open mine. I had gotten Wanda a necklace with our names engraved in a heart and a bracelet that belonged with the necklace which had the date we got together engraved. She was very happy about it and asked me to put the jewelry on her. Then I unwrapped what i got from her. I gasped a bit. It was a ring, not an engagement ring, but a promise ring. It had our initials and our date engraved. She slid it onto my finger and I kissed her. "Thank you so much my love"

Time went by, all presents were unwrapped. Natty got new knifes to fight with, Yelena got a new vest with lots of pockets and I had knitted Thor some gloves, fitting for Stormbreaker. Loki got a new green coat and Bucky polish for his metal arm. Steve got the same polish, but for his shield. Peter got a new lego set while May had gotten a new Jumpsuit.

I had also gotten a new CD of my favorite artist, concert tickets for them from tony and yelenas old vest. I got such cool presents, and this was really the happiest Christmas i had ever had in my whole entire life.

Now we all sat in the kitchen, drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows

"Oh my god, i forgot to tell you! Last night, Wands and I saw the real Santa Clause!! I swear it was him! He was in his sleigh, with the reindeers! He even waved back to me!" I said with a huge grin.

Everyone looked at me dumbfounded, not believing me. Then they looked at Wanda, who nodded. "I saw him too!" Peter said, grinning at me. "Yeah, me actually too" Yelena added to the convo. "Since you explained us who Santa is, we saw him as well" Thor and Loki said. "I uhm.. i did too" Bucky said with a slight smile.

"I told you, Santa was real!" I giggled before kissing Wanda on the lips.

[quodekash]

I RAN OUT OF IMAGES AGAIN (whaaat that's crazy, i never couldve possibly expected that) BUT ITS FINE

TIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIWTIW

I AM SOBBING

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS

I KNOW ITS THE SAME CHOREOGRAPHY AS MSP LIVE ON STAGE, BUT THIS TIME ITS LIKE OFFICIAL FILMED STUFF, NOT GRAINY RECORDINGS

i feel like os2 is entirely an apology for not giving us much tiwpor in canon, cos damn theyre really giving us a lot

and i deeply appreciate it

AND THEN DO THEY JUST. STAND LIKE THAT????

OKAY THEN MARRIED COUPLE

GUYS THE CHOREOGRAPHY, THE FREAKING CHOREO, THE F R E A K I N G CHOREO

ITS AMAZING

THEYRE ALL SUCH GOOD DANCERS

AND ACTORS

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL

NOOOOO THE IMAGINATION IS OVERRRRRR

im sad now

WAIT

WIN WHY IS YOUR FOOT SORE

I JUST GASPED LOUDER THAN I EVER HAVE

I DIDNT THINK THEY WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT

BUT THEY DID

HELP

I PREDICTED THIS

RBIEUDSJHGNOVREBJD

AWEHHHHH IM GONNA CRYYY

WIN IS THE PERFECTIONIST NOW RKEJSGBJKR

lmao nice

HIS FREAKING FACE

HERE COME THE TEARS

THE LINE

HE SAID THE LINE

IESKBJRGK ONE OF MY FAVOURITE LINES

FREAKING WORD FOR WORD, SHOT FOR SHOT, THEYRE THE SAME SCENE

"if you dont have anything more to say, ill go home now" LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WHAT THE HELL WIN

NOW YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND LEAVE

AND HE'S GONNA STOP YOU

AND HE'S GONNA LEAN ON HIS MOTORBIKE

AND HE'S GONNA SAY "i have a ride. want to go back with me? i can give you a ride"

AND YOURE GONNA TRY AND LEAVE AGAIN

BUT HE'S GONNA REACH OUT AND STOP YOU

AND THEN HES GONNA GIVE YOU THE HELMET AND YOULL REACH FOR IT BUT HE WONT LET YOU AND HE'LL INSTEAD PUT IT ON FOR YOU wait maybe not that part because it's win's leg not his arm

BUT THE REST OF IT, PROBABLY

THE SONG

THE FREAKING SONG

CLOSE ENOUGH

and im definitely not thinking about the sexual connotations of that statement, no sir, not me.

HEEEEEEELLLPP

THE FREAKING PARALLELS

GIM, HI, ILYSM

THERE HE IS!!

JORN!! ^D^

MY BOYYY

ILY JORN

bye bye jornnnn

i love you jornnnn

have a good day

sleep well

drink water and stuff

ILY JORN

or you could just. like. ask him out.

i know how itll go if you do that:

he'll be confused at first. he'll think about it for a sec. he'll make a Realisation. he'll either say yes, or he'll say 'we can date after hot wave' and badabing badaboom happiness

THE UMBRELLAAAAA

he's gonna finisht that with something like "but you have to be the one to get the flame of the candle burning"

HELL YEAH I WAS RIGHT

SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE SOUNDWIN HIGH FIVE

i smell merch

but did he ever SAY that??

actually a good cover up

i dont remember if tinn said the same thing or not in canon

i think tinn's excuse was saving the reputation, not earning the reputation

but either way, the school reputation thing? actually kinda genius

EIVDFSBKDV

HIS FREAKING SMILEEE

GUN, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT HIDING YOUR HAPPINESS

which is honestly a good thing so KEEP IT UP ILY

WAIT

WHAT THE HELL

WHAT THE HELL

I SHRIEKED

AND THEN STARED AT MY LAPTOP IN PURE SHOCK

NO THOUGHTS OR ANYTHING AT ALL, JUST A BLANK SLATE AND SHOCK EVERYWHERE

THEY FREAKING- THEY

THEYRE- THE

THEYRE FREAKING-

TIWPOR??? CANONICAL TIWPOR????????

WE WERENT DELUSIONAL FOR HOPING FOR THIS IN CANON

the scenes from earlier make a lot more sense now

CHEESE LOUISE

EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW

HOLY HELL

TIWPOR ARE CANONICAL

THIS IS PHENOMENAL

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING

AND ALSO HOW THE HELL DID I AVOID THIS SPOILER ALL DAY

this is proving what i said earlier about os2 being ENTIRELY an apology for the lack of canonical tiwpor

os2 for msp? its just tiwpor. everything is tiwpor. and also soundwin because they are important.

but all the tinngun? its for the sake of tiwpor. they are the main characters.

and im so freaking happy about it

THE WORLD DOES, IN FACT, FINALLY KNOW

AM I DREAMING

AM I DEAD

I THINK I MIGHT BE DEAD

THERES NO WAY THIS IS REAL

IS THIS THE REAL LIFE OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY FRFR

OH MY OISHI TEA GODS THEYRE TOO FREAKING CUTE WHAT THE HELL

WHAT. THE ACTUAL. HELL.

FINAL THOUGHTS: TIWPOR ARE REAL

[fraener]

7/16/24

back from the road now for about a week. slowly each day i have succumbed further to the panic and illness of my everyday life here. dishes arent done, stomach is a mess, exhaustion and panic and an eczema flareup. sinus symptoms, rash on my hands. all of my physical gripes were completely gone while i was out of town, i had so much energy, i was so much less anxious. i feel paranoid and sick. i dont know how to talk to my therapist about how afraid i am to leave the house because of the old plague and now the new surfacing. i dont want to leave my apartment but the walls are covered in and filled with mold that is making me so unbelievably sick. h noticed an immediate decline in my health and energy levels the minute i stepped foot in my apartment. i feel like ive been fighting a wave for the last week and i dont know i ever stood up against it before. it felt so good to be out of here, it felt so good to see the world and be home in the desert. its been a long time, but i have such a complicated and massive tangle of feelings in me my chest feels tight and hot. i dont really know what to do about all of this. im moving into a less moldy place but that comes at such a personal price to me, i have to get rid of almost everything i own which is such a difficult thing for me. i somehow have to sift through the emotions i set out for later from my trip, my terrible wonderful trip. we walked a labyrinth in every town and i filled my pockets with so many wonderful things, crystals from the mountains and sage from the desert and bones from the pine steppe and salt from the basin. caves, mountaintops, waterfalls, forests, coasts, wastelands. and h and i got along so well the whole time. things are really good with us right now, i really really hope he can see how much this place gets in the way of my health and happiness. its only ever really been about him occasionally, i think, and all of the grief has been from my overwhelm and him not understanding my overwhelm. he says everything will be right as rain if i move into my new place but itll be really tough if he moves into the trailer because its even moldier than my apartment. i feel very raw. ive got so much to do and no mind to start any of it. f has to get an abortion. i wish that i never really had to come home, i wouldve stayed out there for much longer. f is getting a new roommate in kk's house because they told me to find a different place before they had decided to stay. staying to study with c.b for the year but feeling so trapped and trod on and just helpless loss after having a dream about those 3 and upon waking thinking about how lucky and privileged they are as people, especially b. what a terrible feeling this is. therapy this afternoon after a brief last moment in the metals studio. ceramics studio open hrs this summer were so short and are so very nearly over, ill have to try and find some time to go in tomorrow on top of everything else. i hate how rushed and urgent everything always is. i hate how little energy i have. i think i might try cleaning up a little today. going to seatown tomorrow night to take care of f. gonna wash wool with bg in the morning though. god i am really feeling terrible this morning.

[mistergoddess]

the way i'm going to be absolutely fucked by bills on the 1st ^_^ rent n utilities n student loan payment all the usual stuff but then also... car insurance renewing and i have... hrt check in appointment on the 1st as well... and no health insurance rn bc unemployed so ummmmm no clue how that's gonna go out of pocket, i'm def gonna call this week and see what my options are and like if it's possible to just get it refilled without going in but pprrrrooobbably not so i'll also ask like for a quote for how much itll be and if there's any idfk financial help i can get or like sliding scale? probably nnnoootttttt bc its fancy private clinic, which was great when i had insurance! but now is like oh fuck oh shit! but worth trying to ask what they can do auuhhhh... but im looking at like upwards of $1200 in bills all hitting on one day lmfao fmsbl

AAAAND im injured so job hunt/working rn is sketchy and need gas and need to refill my t before the end of the month which is gonna be expensive now out of pocket and groceries are stupid fucking expensive bc im Not Good About Food and have Special Needs when it comes to food which makes it rly expensive and it's so exhausting to be like wow i could really like save money on food AND be healthier and have more energy if my mental issues didn't make my ability to eat different things and cook like fucking. nonexistent so i spend so much just eating like my Autism And Depression Wombo Combo Safe Foods i.e. instant food like ramen and frozen dinners and tuna/chicken salad and sandwiches and snacks which isn't good for me or nutritious and sustainable anyway.

it's so fucking hard i don't think of myself as struggling financially bc i'm crazy good with my money... usually... and always work it out and keep my savings up when i need to to keep a big safety net under me for just this kind of stuff since it's so hard to hold a job and i take a long time between jobs so i can't afford to let my savings dip to where i'd be absolutely stranded between jobs and can breathe a little. but then i get here and i'm like yeah it isn't good huh like money is indeed an issue isn't it. and then i don't think of myself as disabled and it's like yeah well clearly i struggle with stable employment and i struggle with the food thing. and my issues make it hard for me to work out stuff like negotiating and accessing healthcare in ways that are more manageable and affordable, like i know trying to call my gyno this week about the hrt checkin is going to be a disaster and i'm not gonna be able to ask the right questions or know how to ask for what i need and just get discouraged and scared.

like i DO have special needs and am at a disadvantage to ppl who can cope better and are higher functioning. but i don't. idk. allow myself? that? it's so fucking exhausting bc idk people have it far far worse and far harder than i do and i am functional to a degree but those weak spots and the inconsistency just mean. i'm disabled but not disabled enough to like treat myself kindly over it and not disabled enough to feel like i deserve to ask for help because i can take care of myself sometimes but the times i can't are really scary and stressful

i feel like. i'm constantly balancing on a fucking tightrope. or sliding down a hill and barely clinging to the side and desperately trying to climb back up a few feet before the next wave of the avalanche hits. and the fact that i CAN climb up and gain some ground a little makes me feel like. well i'm not really doing as bad as the people at the bottom of the fucking ravine who actually deserve to be rescued so i should just get over myself and why am i even here and why can't i just toughen up and get over it and climb all the way up. and i feel so fucking guilty like ok also why aren't i helping the people at the bottom of the ravine. if i can afford to keep some savings under me for times like this and emergencies then i'm just hoarding money and not doing enough for people who don't have that luxury like. i'm a bad person for looking out for myself first and not distributing what i have. idk.

and i know these are all really common anxieties and stresses and feelings of shame and guilt and self depreciation and self sabotage amongst ppl who have variable or mixed needs and like the fucking impostor syndrome that comes with it... which helps me feel less alone but i feel really alone too and i am quite alone, i have 2 really key players in my support network who i'm endlessly grateful for but i don't have anyone taking care of me but me and it's exhausting just. staying afloat. but i don't see myself as worthy of that exhaustion. i don't have anyone i can rely on just for like. idk. sympathy and comfort and distraction bc i don't have any irl friends and i don't have a social life so it's just me like. either going to work and struggling a bit to maintain that or being unemployed and struggling really hard to gain ground again and get back to stable. i don't have a lot of joy or wonder or exploration or experiences in my life because it's hard enough just to exist and not spiral and lose everything i'm constantly working so hard for and not spiral and start wanting to kill myself.

[leviathans-watching]

hiyaaa i rlly enjoy your blog :>> and itll be my first time to try a request hehehe but is it alright for me to request where MC used men’s shampoo (because why not, its cool on the scalp tho-) and what would be the brothers’ + side characters (if its too much iz okiee, i dont mind ) reaction whilst cuddling XD

using their shampoo

includes: the brothers x/& gn!reader, diavolo x/& gn!reader, simeon x/& gn!reader (no pronouns mentioned)

wc: .8k | rated g | m.list

a/n: hello and ty!! i hope you don't mind i took it a step further and made mc wearing their shampoo instead of just mens shampoo. thank you for requesting and i hope you have a good day!! my inbox is open to chat, request, or leave feedback, so come say hello!!

please reblog >,,&lt;

➳ lucifer notices it right away, though he doesn’t say anything, running through scenarios in his head on why you would have washed with his shampoo. maybe you were out of your own? he can’t deny the little thrill that runs through him when he smells his scent surrounding you. “like how i smell so much you had to take it for yourself?” he asks, curious. was it intentional? why were you wearing it? he’s burning with the need to know but doesn’t want you to realize it.

➳ mammon blushes immediately when he smells his shampoo on you. it’s a distinctive scent, so he knows it’s not mistaken, but you don’t seem to notice his flustered state as you snuggle further into him. “um,” he starts, and you look up, eyes innocently wide. “is that, uh, my shampoo?” he manages, and you smile, nodding. “i borrowed it… asmo has mine and i dodn’t realize until i was in the shower. you don’t mind, do you?” him, mind you using his snampoo? never. “nope,” he squeaks, and you immediately begin planning to never use your own again.

➳ levi doesn’t notice at first, since he doesn’t use very scented stuff, but when he does, he freezes, wondering if he’s imagining it. he’s not, but he doesn’t know how to confront you about it, so he doesn't, just swallowing hard and wrapping his arms around you. you don’t mention it, not that you’d have a reason to, but levi can’t stop thinking about it, the fire in his stomach oddly satiated by the idea of you smelling like him all of the time. maybe if he doesn’t bring it up you’ll keep doing it. please keep doing it.

➳ satan notices right away, a smile curving across his lips. he’d been hoping when you rook a shower in his room you’d used his products, and it appears you had. you smell like him, all crisp and fresh, and satan has to wonder if you like the scent. you’ve never said you didn’t, but then again you never said you did. “you know,” you say conversationally, “your shampoo made my hair really soft. maybe i should move away from using human world products.” check and mate. “yeah, maybe,” satan replies. “i’ve got some extra bottles of shampoo if you want it.”

➳ asmo doesn’t even notice at first. he’s so used to smelling you in a wide range of sencts, and sometimes he forgets he’s wearing a particular product until he can smell it. when he realizes you’re wearing his personal shampoo, he has to hold back his glee. “like my shampoo and conditioner?” he asks, running a hand down your back. “i sure like it on you.” you huff out a laugh, nodding. “it’s nice. i’m sure my hair will be really healthy if i continue to use it.” asmo grins, waving his hand. “by all means, use it as much as you want!”

➳ beel literally doesn’t care, not that you expected him to. as long as you're clean and happy, he’s happy. he does notice it, but since he’s used your products before in a pinch he doesn’t mind. beel has a very ‘what’s mine is yours’ mentality, so it’s unlikely he’ll pitch a fit or anything. he does tell you you smell good, though, making you laugh. at least he likes the products he’s using on himself.

➳ belphie smells his scent on you as soon as you climb into bed with him, making him more awake. “is that my shampoo?” he asks, brushing a finger across your damp hair. you nod, and he resists the urge to crush you into his chest, inhaling deeply. you smell like him, and belphie wants to take you out around town like this, when you’re practically dripping in him, his scent, showing all of devildom that you’re his.

➳ diavolo is another one of the boys who doesn’t mind. he loves sharing his stuff with you, wants you to use them, and when you do it makes him happy. “you used my shampoo!” he chirps, burying his face into your neck, making you squirm away. “stop! that tickles,” you admonish. “but yes, i did. i forgot mine.” diavolo taps his chin. “i can buy you some.” shaking your head, you take his phone from his hand, closing akuzon. “no, it’s alright. i’m only here for a few days. i can use yours until then.”

➳ simeon is the one who offered you use his shampoo in the first place. you’d been lamenting about your lackluster hair, and he’d jumped on the opportunity, offering his. angel shampoo and conditioner would no doubt restore your hair to its previous glory, as it was specially made to be healing and rejuvenating. “i like my smell on you,” he says plainly, and you flush. you like it too and he knows it, making him want to send you home with a bottle or two.

leviathans-watching’s work - please do not repost, copy, or claim as your own

[letstalkaboutshtufff]

A Bad Feeling Pt 1

Levi x Reader

Part 1

Paring: Levi Ackerman x Cadet reader

Warnings: 18+ attempted rape/assault, cursing, mention of injury, violence

Summary: Reader feels uncomfortable around a overly friendly captain. Are they just over reacting? Or is there something else going on. What will Levi do when he finds out?

***************************************************

A.n. ok so I literally wrote this in one go, it's probably trash but I wanted to post it anyway. Please lemme know what you think in the comments! Thank you!

"Y/n! captain Oro is asking for you" you did your best to hide the discomfort Armins words made you feel.

You smiled what you hoped was a convincing one and nodded. With a deep breath you made your way to Captains Oro's office.

Ever since you had been introduced to him those few weeks ago, he had taken a special liking to you. At first you had been excited, having such a highly skilled and well known captain take notice of you was one of the best feelings. Especially since your squad leader, Levi wasn't exactly heavy on praise.

Everyone loved Captain Oro, he was known for his strength and stamina on the battle field. He was both charismatic, and charming. Your fellow cadets practically swooned over him. You couldn't help but also get caught up in his perfection. At first that is..

Over time you noticed things about your meetings that put you on edge. An unnecessary shoulder touch here, a too low pat on the back there. Something was off. And although you had done your best to distance yourself from him, it was hard when your squads often had to work together.

But it was hard to say anything against him because even your cold blooded captain seemed to enjoy his presence.

Once you brought it up to your friend Sasha, about how you felt he was being too friendly. But she waved her hand and basically said you were worrying for nothing, he was just a friendly guy. And you were being dramatic.

Maybe you were overreacting? If captain levi approved of him, surely that meant he was a decent person right? Maybe he was just being really really friendly.

You decided to give him a chance and knocked on his door when you finally arrived.

"Come in" a muffled voice came from the other side.

With a click you entered the candlelit room. It was nearing sundown after all.

"Ah cadet y/n! Perfect, I was wondering if I might ask your opinion on something?" He smiled angelically and gestured towards a parchment on his desk.

"Of course sir" you nodded and approached him, reminding yourself of what sasha said. Just relax.

From the way the parchment was positioned you had no choice but to come to his side of the desk.

"Do you see this area here?" He gestured to what you now saw was a map. "What do you think of leading a squad through here instead of what we originally planned?"

The next 30 minutes you spent completely and professionally discussing strategies. Being the member of your squad that was best at this, made him asking for you completely justified. You felt bad for ever doubting his intentions.

"Thank you y/n, I think I have a better idea of what course we should pursue on our next expedition" he smiled sincerely.

"I'm glad I could be of service" you nodded and allowed a relaxed smile to pass your features. Feeling stupid you had judged him so harshly.

" If you wouldnt mind just one more thing?" You nodded as he pulled out a stack of papers.

"If you could look over this report of the last mission before I send it out? See if theres anything else to add?"

"Sure, I'd be happy to Captain" you grabbed the stack.

"And please if you can, return them to me tonight, I'll need them for the meeting bright and early"

"Yes sir, I'll finish it asap, good evening" and with that you exused yourself.

Tonight? It was already sundown. Well whatever, hes so busy he probably doesn't know what time of day it is.

You found a quiet spot amonsgt the crowds in the common room and got to work.

************************************

"Oi brat, it's passed curfew, go to your room now, we have important work tommorow" the unmistakable voice of your captain rang through the now empty hall.

You looked up in surprise and meet his usual scowl, not even realizing how late it had gotten.

"Hai, s-sorry captain, I'll go now" you gathered the report and quickly left, not wanting to receive another scolding for taking too long.

Oh crap you still had to deliever the report. Changing routes you snuck quietly down the familiar hallways. Not particularly feeling like running into Levi again. Something about him always made you act just a little dumber and it was definitely not because of your non existent crush on him...definitely not.. he was just intimidating is all.

*knock knock*

You waited patiently but there was no answer. Crap did he already go to bed? But he knew I was coming? Ugh what should I do? He needs these reports..

With a sigh you change direction again and head for his personal chambers. There was no way you were getting in trouble for not delivering these reports on time.

You smiled when you saw dim light flood from beneath the door.

Lightly you knocked, "Captain Oro, its y/n, sorry it's so late but I have the rep-" you were cut off abruptly when the door swung open and there stood Oro.

Except he looked nothing like the Oro you were used too seeing. His hair was loose from it's normal slicked back do, and the edges were dripping slightly. His shirt was loosely thrown on revealing a decent amount of skin. He must've just bathed.. you could see why the girls were so obsessed with him. He was, platonically speaking, a very gorgeous man.

You were taken aback but reminded yourself that you did knock after hours so of course he wasnt going to be all soldiered up.

"U-um s-sorry Captain, I have the reports" you averted your eyes and shoved the reports in his direction.

"Ah y/n, thank you, would you please put them on my table? My hands are still slightly wet." He laughed holding them up innocently.

"S-sure" god why were you stuttering so much, you fight goddamn titans for a living?! But somehow you were more nervous now than when a 10meter was clawing at you.

You entered the room and tried to avoid looking around too much.

You always wondered what the inside of the higher ups rooms look-

*click*

You whipped around, alarm bells suddenly back in full force.

"Captain what are you-"

"You're such a good girl, you know that y/n?" Oros whole demeanor changed and you cursed yourself for not trusting your earlier instincts.

"U-um" you really did not know what to say or do as he took a couple steps closer.

"Always so obedient for me, I think you deserve a reward don't you?"

Shit

"That's not...that's not necessary captain, I really should be going" you tried to lunge for the door but he was quicker and much much stronger.

"I don't believe I dismissed you cadet..." he purred pinning your arms to the door in the blink of an eye.

You were by no means weak, but your struggles were useless against him.

"Let me go" it took all your strength not to stutter in fear.

"How adorable, you know I love it when you follow my orders so well, but I think..." you shivered in disgust as you felt his lips near your neck and press down.

"I'd like to see you fight me as well" you whimpered as he sucked and bit down on the soft flesh.

"S-stop it, p-please" he smirked and looked into your fearful eyes with his lustful ones. "Stop? But that's not what you really want is it? You see I know exactly how girls like you are" he chuckled darkly and moved one of his hands to grip both your arms, while the other slid lower. You gasped when he cupped your breast. "S-stop! I'll, ill scream If you don't!" You felt a tear slide down your shaking form.

"Scream?" He snickered like you had told the funniest joke.

"Go ahead and scream doll, itll be very interesting to see what happens"

"W-what?" You were utterly confused.

"Think about it, if someone walks in on us, what would they think? Seeing a cadet after hours in her superiors chambers?"

"B-but I! I was bringing the reports i wasn't-!"

"Do you honestly think theyll care what you have to say? Who do you think theyll believe y/n? You a nobody cadet who's been fighting titans for 3 seconds? Or me, a selfless hero whos saved countless of scouts lives? All I have to tell them is that you came into my room and tried to seduce me. When I tried to restrain you, you screamed. Who do you think theyll listen too? Why else would you be here so late at night?"

"Y-You're..you're insane, you're not a hero, y-you're a coward who-" he grasped your jaw harshly causing you to wince.

"I'd watch that mouth of yours y/n" he squeezed harder. I am your superior after all, and we wouldnt want any nasty rumors going around that would have you suspended from the survey corps now would we?" He bent down and to your horror pressed his lips against yours.

Fuck fuck what do I do?!? Hes blackmailing me now. I cant fight him, hes too strong, think think think.

But your mind was blank when his cold lips pressed against your lips again. "Open your mouth" he ordered in a voice laced with animilistac lust.

You abruptly turned your head away desperate to get away.

"Heh, always such a tease" he traced a finger up and down your cheek, flipping over your lips. "I'll enjoy this-"

"CAPTAIN ORO, COMMANDER ERWIN REQUESTS YOUR PRESENCE IN HIS OFFICE IMMEDIATELY" a voice shouts from the other side of the locked door.

With an annoyed sigh, Oro pulls away slightly, "Did he say why?" He lazily looks over in the direction of the door.

"NO SIR!"

"guess it can't be helped... Alright tell him I'll be there shortly" he yelled out.

"Hai" the footsteps recended and you stood deathly still.

He pulled away from you and you immediately pulled your wrists to you, they were an angry red, and it scared you how much strength he had so effortlessly displayed.

"Sorry doll, it looks like we'll have to continue this another night" he stepped away and began dressing normally as if he hadn't just been assaulting you 5 second ago. You quickly make for the door but his voice falters your step, "Oh and y/n?"

You dont look at him, but fear held you in place until he finished, "If you mention our little moment to anyone, you know what will happen" you nodded quickly, anything to appease him and get out.

When the door shut behind you, you felt the flood of tears break through.

D-did, d-did that really happen?!?

You held a hand to quiet your sobs and quickly dashed through the hallways.

You're heart thumped and you felt the need to vomit. You hadn't felt this way since the first time youd encounted a titan. All you wanted to do was get to the safety of your room, just through the hall.

It felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on you when a cold voice shouted out and halted your movements. Please not now, oh god any time but now.

"Oi cadet y/n are you deaf as well as dumb? I asked you a question.

"Why are you out past curfew?" he sounded definitely annoyed and you gathered all your strength to hold the sobs out of your voice.

Without turning around you answered, "I-I had to deliver some r-reports..I'll head to my room now.." you stepped forward hoping he would let you go but you were not so lucky.

"Oi brat, did you hit your head? I didn't dismiss you yet. Not to mention you haven't even addressed me properly, maybe some time cleaning up horse shit will remind you how to respect your superiors" fuck he was definitely angry now.

Still you didn't turn around, you couldn't..."S-sorry Captain Levi, I'll do better in the future.." you barely could even focus on the words coming out of your mouth, your heart was beating a mile a minute. Please just leave me alone!

"Hahh" Levi uttered in disbelief and severe annoyance, even the most novice of cadets turn around when being spoken to by a superior. "Are you trying to piss me off brat?!?"

"No sir..." still you didnt turn around, but gulped in fear when you heard sharp footsteps near you.

"Cadet y/n, you have three seconds to turn around and salute me properly before I throw you into the cells for insubordination" he ordered in his dangerously calm voice, that you never thought would be directed at you.

Having no other choice you slowly turn around, hoping to god the darkness of the room would be enough to hide your current state.

You kept your head down, letting your hair fall over your face, but gave a proper salute. Hiding the Wince that came when the tender flesh of your wrist had to bend.

Your eyes were trained on the floor. And you tried to remember how to breathe normally again.

"At least you remember how to-" abruptly his harsh scolding stopped.

Why did he stop?! Fuck did he notice something. No no calm down, he probably just is coming up with another punishment...right?

Wrong...

Levi was far from being done with dicisplining you but he caught sight of your bruised wrist and furrowed his brows immediately. He knew for a fact the last time you spoke in the hall those had not been there. He was quick to take in the rest of your demeanor and knew immediately that the reason you were acting disrespectful was because something was wrong.

"Cadet y/n.." he said suspiciously slow and not full of anger anymore.

"Y-yes?" Please dont ask me, please dont ask me, please dont-

"Look at me"

*******************************

Part 2 here

Okay so that's part 1! Please comment and lemme know what you think🥰also I'm super sensitive so please no hateful comments. Thanks for reading!

[tsukkiseasalt]

Eyes That Won’t Wonder

1

description: after the death of your former patient you are assigned to Mr. Wakatoshi, a quiet, handsome, older gentleman who quite frankly doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself or his dick in his pants.

warning this story will contain: smut, smut & more smut. specifically breeding, anal, dirty talk, friends fucking, camboy bokuto, himbo bokuto, &so much more!

“Is this what you wanted, to be bent over in a filthy public bathroom and used as a human cum disposal?” He grunted into your ear, voice thick and full with lust.

This isn't what you had at all expected when you had gotten assigned to him, and in all honesty you didn’t even think you’d like him; nonetheless, you agreed with him. “Y-yes sir.”

 “Who would have ever thought the sweet girl that I met not even five months would be so fucking eager to get fucked and filled in such a place like this?” His words caused your head to spin. An array of struggled moans slipped past his thick fingers which he had shoved between your puffy red pout and down your throat which had previously been occupied by his cock. 

“It’s ok though doll, I’ve wanted this too.” He groaned, snapping his hips forward. 

His free hand that was knotted into your hair yanked you up and forced you to look in the mirror in front of you. You didn't even recognize yourself like this, but this is what you wanted after all right.

↺

The morning sun that filtered through the curtains danced on your cheeks while you scrolled aimlessly on your phone. 

“Hey, hey, hey.!.” You heard as the door opened revealing your bubbly bright eyed roommate. A small smile graced your face as he laid down beside you wrapping a thick arm around you. 

“Hey.” You said putting your phone down looking down at him.

���You ready for today?” He asked rubbing circles on your thighs, fingertips rough on your skin.

You shrugged as you watched him, “I guess so, it's been kinda hard since Washijō passed.”

Bokuoto’s usual smile turned into a slight frown as you mentioned your old patient turned friend. “He’s not suffering anymore.” He said quietly, trying to comfort you. 

“ I know, I just miss the old geezer sometimes.” You mumble letting your fingers glide through his two-toned locks. “But the report says that the new guy, Ushi-something, is only in his late 50’s.”

Bokuto now wore a puzzled expression on his face. “That’s not exactly old.”

“I know, but hey at least he’s not on his deathbed.” You say knocking on your wooden nightstand.

He laughed at the gesture and rolled off you. “It’s almost 7, so you should probably start getting ready if you're gonna be there by 7:30.” 

“I know but the bed is so comfortable.” You whined stretching out over the entirety of the space.

“I bet it won't be so comfortable after your in it everyday when you get fired for missing your first day back in three weeks.” He sassed hands on his hips. 

“Shouldn’t you be getting fucked in the ass or something?” You questioned whipping your head around to look at him.

He gasped and threw a shirt that was on the floor at you. “I do the fucking thank you very much!” He exclaimed dramatically as he sauntered out of your room.

“Tell that lie to someone who’s going to believe you miss butt-plug.” You yelled rolling off the bed and onto the floor with a thump. “Ow.”

“I hate you!” He screamed. “I’m getting a new roommate!”

“ Good luck finding someone who will disinfect your toys while you're at the gym.” You retaliate, digging through your dresser to find your scrubs.

“You did that out of your own free will.” He said, popping his head into your door throwing something at you. Your scrubs.

“Thanks love.” You smile.

“Still hate you.” He says crossing his arms in your doorway. You amble over to him and get on your tiptoes planting a wet kiss on his cheek. “Still hate me now.”

“Y-yes, what the fuck was that supposed to do?” He asked, wiping his cheek.

“I dunno, worked in highschool.” You shrugged, pulling your shirt off revealing your chest along with the rest of your unclothed body. 

“Getting naked won't work either.”

“Why? Am I not sexy anymore?” You fake pouted, pulling your bra on along with your top.

“No, still very sexy, I've just developed an immunity for it.” He said matter of factly. 

“Hmmm.” You mumbled pulling up your pants. “Guess i'll just have to find a new way to get you to love me.” You mumbled purposely grazing his cock as you pushed past him to get to the bathroom. “But if I do say so myself, it doesn't feel like you’ve developed an immunity. Felt hard as a rock to me.” 

“Hey hey hey, don’t get me all worked up just to leave for work.” He mumbled, reaching a long arm out to pull you to him by your waist. You could feel his breath against your lips as his skilled fingers worked into your waistband and started to knead your ass like it was bread dough.

“No no, you hate me, remember.” You say reaching around grabbing his hand and forcing him to stop. 

“I was just kidding bro, please don’t do this. I haven’t gotten to touch you in forever please mamas.” He pleaded, emphasizing the last word, seeing as to how he knew it was your weakness. 

“Don’t you have a boyfriend.” You mumbled tilting your head back ever so slightly so he could plant light kisses in all the places he knew you liked them most. 

“Open relationship.” He mumbled into your skin. “And kaashi specifically said i can have you whenever i pleased.”

“Oh really.” You moaned as he sucked on the flesh just beneath your earlobe.

“Yep, he actually wanted you to shoot a scene with us.” He groaned, grinding his length into your stomach. 

“Fuck, Bo, I’m gonna be late.” You moaned as he rubbed around your tight pucker before pushing past the tight muscles.

“No you're not, I can do this while you get ready.” He whispered lowly in your ear. 

“Fuck, fine.” You moan, hands grabbing at his hair. He lifts you and takes you to the bathroom placing you down in front of the sink. You moan as he pulls your pants down immediately falling to his knees, tongue darting out to lap your hole. “Oh my fuck.” You whine, grabbing your toothbrush. You have to really focus and resist the urge to spread your cheeks so he could have better access to you in order to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush.

“Yum.” He groans and brings his hands to spread you out almost as though he had read your mind. You shove your hips back further into his face as you brush your teeth, struggling to keep your head up. 

“Fuck, I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.” He says getting up and grabbing the bottle of lube off the counter. He squirts some on his fingers and massages it into your hole and pulls his sweats down to lather the remainder of it onto his cock. You spit as he pushes into you. Slowly but surely he thrusts into you, hands harshly gripping your ass. 

“Fuck.” You whine, hands gripping the edge of this sink as you struggle to keep you composure.

“That’s what I'm doing.” He mumbles wickedly in your ear. You cry out as he begins hitting your g-spot repeatedly. 

“Gunna, c-cum.” You manage your head falling onto the countertop. He speeds up his thrust and you can feel him begin to twitch in you motioning that he’s now chasing his own release. 

“Fuckkkk!” You exclaim legs quivering as you squirt all onto your bottoms and the floor beneath you. 

“Shit.” He groans slamming into you one final time before he pulls out and finishes on your ass.

You both huff as you catch your breath. 

“Dammit now I gotta change, and I still havent done my makeup.” You sigh pulling your head off the cool porcelain. 

“Here.” He says handing you a moist towel. “You clean yourself up and I'll go get your other scrubs.” 

You nod to him kinda as a silent thank you and then he disappears to get your other uniform. You step out of your drenched bottoms and pull your top over your head tossing them in the basket in the corner. You gently wipe the remaining lube from your ass and your juices from your legs before tossing the towel in the basket as well.

“Here.” He says handing you an identical uniform to the one you just took off. You hurriedly slide them on and rush back to your room to get your phone.

“Have you seen my bag…” You trail off as you see him standing with it in hand beside the door. 

“Thanks.”You say, grabbing it. “And do the laundry.”

“You can't ask nicely?” He huffs causing you to roll your eyes.

“Do the fucking laudry or ill shove that so far down your fucking throat itll come out of that pretty plump little behind of yours.” You say sweetly pointing at that large purple dildo sitting on the couch.

“You think my ass is plump huh?” He smirks, leaning against the door.

“Laundry.” You say sternly.

“Fine.” He mumbles now rolling his eyes. He opens the door allowing you out. 

“Be safe.” He waves as you open your car door.

“Kk, don’t burn the house down.” You wave back. 

“No promises.” He says smiling innocently before slamming the door. 

Shaking your head you get in and set off in the direction that the GPS instructs. 

“Nice, made it in time and with time to spare.” You mumble to yourself sliding your watch onto your wrist. You pulled up to the gate, typed in the numbers that were scribbled at the bottom of the paper, and thankfully it opened without a struggle. You slowly drove up the long driveway admiring the array of greenery that was along the path. 

“Goodness.” You gawked once you caught sight of the house. It was huge. “Who the hell even is this guy?” You mumble parking in front. You pull out the paper and scan over it. There isn’t much beside the fact that he had back surgery two years back. That was odd, he was only 59, and only had one major issue. Usually the company wouldn't even send someone out unless that patient was in their late 60’s and had major health issues- Washijō for example, he was 83, had two bum knees as well as a new hip. Compared to him this new guy- Ushijima Wakatoshi- was a spring chicken in your eyes.

Shrugging you grabbed your bag and headed for the front door, again admiring the beauty of the home. You grab the knocker and give it two big hits and wait. Moments later you hear the lock on the other side turning. The door opens revealing a handsome man with golden eyes, olive hair and a tall build. 

“You must be Mr. Wakatoshi’s son, I hope I'm not pronouncing that incorrectly, I’m his new home health aid” You smile, eyes wandering down to his bare chest. He’s almost in as great shape as Bo & he’s probably twice his age. You think to yourself, eyes glancing at his biceps before making eye contact with him again. 

He lets out a sound that resembles a cough and you realize that's his laugh. “You pronounced it just fine, and no, I’m Mr. Wakatoshi.” If not for the words you would have been drooling at the low rasp that was his voice.

“What, what!” You shriek.

i was really hornknee when i came up with this concept. lets see where it gets me :)

[cluelesslesbian]

• lance choses his room first because he's pretty overwhelmed by the whole situation

• one minute he's seeing what pidge is up to with hunk back at the garrison

• the next, he's flying in a mechanical blue lion, meeting alteans in some castle on another planet

• he needed some alone time to think things over

• him, hunk, pidge, shiro and ugh- mullet head, are supposed to become the paladins of voltron?

• it was a lot to take in

• when could he see his family?

• would they possibly take a pit stop to earth?

• his family doesn't have a clue on where he is

• keith is following not far behind and notices which bedroom lance chooses

• he looks around the hall as if someone would be there to judge his decision

• and chooses the room right beside lance's

• not because he wanted some excuse to be near lance of course to possibly get rid of the whole rivalry thing

• it just...happened accidentally

• he finds himself regretting his decision

• when lance finds out he's a little taken back, assuming he'd choose a room next to shiro's

• he wasn't going to admit this either because they're rivals 😤

• but he was a bit happy to have keith's room near his

• and would hide how he really feels with a "god. i can't believe mr. drop out PURPOSELY choose his room next to mine just to bug the shit out of me, smh."

• keith's response to that would be something like: "ha...yeah, cause i hate you. a lot. there's no other reason why i choose that room. nope. not at all."

• lance gets obnoxious by blasting music in his bedroom purposely during random times of the day, singing along with the songs

• keith either kicks the wall (which does nothing)

• or comes in the room with his knife held up high

• because of their rooms being together, they're told to wake each other up

• keith ends up having to wake up lance more other than vice versa

• he walks into the room, awkwardly standing there and just kind of staring before actually attempting to wake him up

• he slides lance's headphones down gently and nudges his shoulder

• lance only mumbles, reaching out to grab keith's arm

• keith has a small gay panic and ends up yelling his name, yanking his arm away

• which freaks the fuck out of lance

• he doesn't shut up about how keith "aggressively woke me up like the castle was on fire! i thought getting older meant i wouldn't get crazy wake up calls like the one's my siblings would do."

• the rare and i mean rare times when lance wakes keith up

• lance will barley touch keith's shoulder and he jolts awake, grabbing his knife from under the pillow

• some nights when keith wakes up, due to a nightmare, he hears the gentle yet muffled from a guitar coming from lance's room

• sometimes he'll even hear him singing softly

• it soothes keith, making it easier for him to fall back asleep

• one time keith accidentally walks in on lance playing the guitar during the day

• he sorta freezes up but relaxes his shoulders after a moment

• they just sort of stare at each other in awkward silence

• keith: you know- i've heard you play before- not to sound creepy or anything...and uh, you're pretty good

lance: really? thanks man. playing usually helps me cope when i'm down in the dumps and has just become a hobby of mine

• then lance gives keith the softest smile ever that makes keith's heart pump as if he'd just ran laps around the castle

• he makes up a lame excuse to leave

• lance frowns at his sudden excuse and assumes he'd said the wrong things and starts apologizing

• keith waves him off, apologizing himself, telling lance he wouldn't mind hearing him play some more

• so lance offers he sits across from him as he played

• lance explains the song he's playing was his mothers favorite song, singing the lyrics in spanish

• keith had no idea what he was saying, but that didn't matter

• what mattered was the joy displayed on his face as he sung, confidence shining through his eyes

• at this moment keith had come to realize that his crush he had on lance might be something more

this one went from klance having rooms next to each other to keith pinning over lance playing the guitar- whoops

— 🌙 moon anon

YESYESYES

I cannot believe we have no context for how the paladins chose their rooms?? Like ajdkfl WHAT YOU WROTE IS SO GOOD- the creators couldve totally shown us how the paladins would cope after tough battles by showing us a scene like that???

aaaanyways now for my screeching

I LOVE the langst. like srsly.

Lance would totally feel comfortable with Keith's room next to his- BECAUSE Keith doesn't remember know him as well as the Garrison Duo

Like hear me out,, it's so much easier to let yourself feel sad when you know you don't have to worry about?? making others feel responsible for it????

So Hunk and Pidge would only make him bottle up his feelings more,

Hunk especially would feel bad about Lance feeling bad which would make Lance feel bad and itll just spiral right there

and Shiro is his HERO- absolutely no way Lance wants to show "weakness" around him (very unhealthy mindset btw! feelings ain't bad to have, but I get idk wanting to pretend youre invincible to look good in front of people u admire :/ )

But Keith???? yeah. he'll work....

idk maybe I'm projecting too much with that^ one ahdjfk MOVING ON

awkward keith checking to make sure no one is gathering evidence that he's a simp??? hilarious and completely logical bc pidge and shiro would DRAG HIS ASS if they found out 😂

KEITH PULLING OUT THE KNIFE EVERY CHANCE HE GETS- LIKE THE DRAMATIC KING HE IS??? *CHEF'S KISS*

klance x music! klance x music! klance x music!!!

like that whole last scene was so soft I'm in love with it 🥺❤

PINING KEITH!!! BUT AFTER GETTING TO KNOW LANCE again?? AND LIKE NOT NECESSARILY AWAY??? TOP NOTCH

@lesbianklance come get yall juice

[poptod]

Hey, I have an ask for Elliot struggling with disordered eating. Love you for keeping up with the gender neutral fics, not too many of those around.

notes: this was a little harder for me because i currently struggle with a disorder like that and at first i didnt want to do it, but i think itll be good for me WC: 1.3k

Warning: Obviously, this has eating disorders and general bad stuff going on. Read at your own risk, you know the deal.

+

Every now and then, just every now and then, the signs start to pop up. They worry you incessantly for about a week, but they go away fast. Things return to normal. He shows no remembrance of his strange behavior, or at least he denies his behavior was strange in the first place. It keeps coming up though––he'll stop eating, stops dead and claims he's too busy to remember. He stretches his hands towards the ceiling and his sweatshirt rides up, and you can't help but to notice the visibility of his ribcage. The accent of his collar bones. Usually the sight of them has you yearning to kiss him––now though, sickness wells in your stomach, and it feels as though you're taking on his hunger so he won't have to experience it. A buffer between Elliot and the real world.

You can't really take him to a doctor though. It's not a diagnosable problem, it's just––it worries you. Elliot maintains a pretty standard form of body throughout these waves of eating habits, so there shouldn't be an issue. He has it under control, according to him, but sometimes it gets bad, and you have no idea why. Does he have body issues? Is he legitimately just forgetting to eat?

The knife in your hands––freshly sharpened that morning––easily peels away the skin of the round pear, large in your outstretched palm. Generally you try to stay away from knives, as you have a nasty habit of frequently slipping up and cutting yourself, but your strokes are slow and methodical. A long line of yellow peel falls from the pear in one, curly stroke that you maintain for the whole of the fruit. When you cut it into slices juice runs down your fingers. You lick it away and clean everything up, only then taking the plate to Elliot, who is typing furiously on the computer.

Not once have you ever known what the hell it is he does on his computer all day. He even talks about it, but you just don't understand all the tech jargon, and he's surprisingly alright with that. To him, it means he can talk and talk about everything and you'll never leave for the horrid things he's done.

"Not hungry," he says, and his unused voice is barely audible above the clicking keyboard.

"You also haven't eaten in two days," you say softly, pushing the plate ever so slightly closer to him.

Two days––you counted, watched him carefully, but he didn't notice. He never does.

He says nothing and doesn't take any of the fruit. They're special, too––you had to go down to the Asian market to get them, and that's an hour drive in the city traffic. More than anything you feel useless––useless to help him, to understand him, useless to him. You could cry, but you don't. Not in front of him. He's never seen you cry and you're not about to let him see.

Instead you leave him there with the plate, lock yourself in the bathroom for about five minutes, and come back out.

Still hasn't taken one, you think to yourself, counting the number of slices on the plate.

Fourty-two minute TV episode later, there's still twelve slices. Sneaking out of his apartment to return to your own, still twelve slices, beginning to yellow. Your teeth grind yet you do nothing, which is what you usually do, which is what you hate yourself for.

Next time you bake chocolate chip cookies. He has a single bite of one but you nearly cry (again) with the amount of relief you feel. So the next time you make sugar cookies, cut them into fun shapes and decorate them with colored, homemade icing. You give him the heart colored red and blue––he eats the whole thing. Granted, it is one of the smallest cookies, but he ate the whole thing.

You grin like a maniac while mixing up a batch of banana bread, the mildly sour-yet-sweet scent reaching you as you hum. If you can find the right baking pan in your bag, you can make it into a cake, with sweet frosting you're sure he'll love.

"What are you doing," he asks in a monotone voice. You whirl around, finding him on the other side of the small kitchen.

"Banana cake, or bread, depending on if I can make the icing," you say.

"... why."

He doesn't even say it as a question. He says it as a statement.

"I don't have anything better to do," you lie. Actually, you're skipping out on a lot of work, all of which you will have to make up on your vacation days. Telling him straight out why you're baking all these things will only make him stop eating, you know that. 

After that he returns to his computer. Later that night you serve up the banana cake––which you manage to make a great frosting for––and the two of you watch an old 50's movie on sex education. He doesn't eat the whole slice, but he eats about half and that satisfies you.

"My cupboard is getting full," he notices one day, talking to you from across the kitchen. His head is stuck in the cupboard while you continue to stir the mix in your metal bowl.

Since the bowl is in your hands, you scooch over to him, looking over his shoulder. The four levels are mostly empty except the presence of plastic containers, all of which containing your various creations. You hadn't checked, but none of them are smaller, an indicator that he still hasn't eaten without you watching him.

"You should take your stuff home," he suggests.

"I think you need it more than I do," you say, and he has no rebuttal. He straightens his back and scans the cupboard once more before looking to you.

"You're a good baker," he says, "but I don't like cookies."

"Good thing I'm making pie then."

He eats half of the slice you give him, and none of the Chinese food you order for takeout, much like all the previous nights. You kiss his cheek before you leave and he lets you––stands still as you lean forward, doesn't flinch when you touch.

"At least keep drinking water," you say, desperate to reach him in some way.

"I know," he says, and shuts the door.

Your spine is pressed tight against the outer wall of his apartment, knees beginning to ache as they're held fierce to your chest. The stinging sensation in your nose reaches your eyes, forming tears that you despise, ones that come in big, fat rolls that mess up the fabric of your sweatshirt. He won't ever listen, will he? He won't ever take care of himself. Why doesn't he care about himself?

Probably because he's too worried about the world. There are things he does that you will never understand––both on computer and within the mind, and despite how many times he's talked about it, you don't get just how much effort he puts into helping the world. All that strength, all that fierceness, it pours into his work and leaves nothing left for himself but sickness in his stomach.

So why doesn't he care about himself?

He doesn't have the energy. It's spent, used on the world, on the poor, on the needy, on the desperate, on those clawing their way through a world that hates them, and on you.

You're so busy trying to take care of him you don't notice the little things he does––buying new ingredients for your creations, cleaning up the spots you miss, paying your parking tickets when you forget, washing the clothes you accidentally leave at his apartment. You don't need someone looking after you, but it's so nice you hardly notice it. Those little weights are off your mind, and the clarity shows just how thin Elliot is spread across everything he can't bear to leave to fend for itself.

There's not enough time in the world for him to help everyone, so he excludes himself. That's alright to him. That's logical to him, it's normal, it's all he can think of being right.

You just wish he'd let himself be taken care of.

[ivyuns]

landing in my heart: closer

genre: angst, slight fluff

word count: 2.3k

warnings: location is in north korea, jealousy, guns, car crashes, kinda rushed lol

part three of landing in my heart

landing in my heart information

“what did you just say?”

“i would appreciate if you put the gun away from my fiancee”

“she belongs to division 11. and for those who doesnt know, shes unable to release her personal information. now if you mind, my fiancee is exhausted from her recent mission she came back from” jisung told everybody. on point, your body falls onto jisung’s shoulders, acting as if you were actually exhausted.

jisung takes you to his property till you two are out of sight until jisung clears his throat. “you can let go now” without hesitation, you let go and immediately asks whats division 11 is all about. telling you everything, you enter the house with jisung trailing behind you.

jisung takes you to his property till you two are out of sight until jisung clears his throat. “you can let go now” without hesitation, you let go and immediately asks whats division 11 is all about. telling you everything, you enter the house with jisung trailing behind you.

jisung offers you a cup of water and telling you to drink it to calm down. you gladly accept it as he takes a deep breath. “house inspections happens randomly, but i didnt expect it to happen today. im sorry”

“well, im sure you were equally surprised by it too, so no worries. and you showed up on perfect timing too” you smiled at him, drinking the water then looking around. “by the way, are you hurt? are you okay?” jisung asks while hes checking up on you for any hurt wounds. looking up and making eye contact, you see how his eyes were full of worry. shaking you head a no, you smile at him and was distrubed by knocks on jisungs gates.

“captain han! are you there?!”

jisung goes to open the door and sees the village women, who had heard about the news about you and offers him food. feeling like he couldnt hold any plates, they offer him to help him and take it into the house until you appear behind him.

“o-oh! nice to meet you, captain han’s fiancee” one of the women says. greeting them back, you grab one of the plate full of food from jisung. before you two could go, they ask you where your last mission was, what was it about and how was it. expecting to answer all their questions, you replied as “im sorry, i cant have my information out there”. the women gasp, shocked at they way you talked to them.

jisung tells them to go home and have a good night. doing what theyre told, they walked away and you close the gate. “is captain han really in love with her?” “is this a one-sided love?” “look at her hair, it looks so messy!” hearing all the comments they made about you made you stop your tracks, as long as jisung. gritting you teeth in annoyance, you two continued to go inside the house and ate the food they made for you two.

as you two got ready for bed, jisung made you sleep in the living room as he slept in his room. talking though the closed door, you asked him if he ever went to switzerland. “sorry if im being nosy. but i saw piano sheets and an application form from switzerland. did you have a girlfriend that you would play the piano to?” with no response from him, you drifted to sleep.

after the years go by, yiseo is back in pyongyang. passing the gates, yiseo bumps into minseok, who smiles at her and lets her go first. yiseo smiles back and proceeds until she sees her uncle, myeongseok. “ah, look at my yiseo. you lost a lot of weight during your studies in russia.”

“damn, its always the north korean women who have the best taste” minseok tells himself, but as his bodyguard hears him, he tells them to be careful of what he says. minseok then tells him he will pay him an extra 10,000 won if hed stop nagging him, but hell pay minseok 10,000 won if he nags to him again.

as yiseo and myeongseok stops at their car outside the airport, she realized what happened to the other car. “uncle, wheres the other car?” she asks. “oh, i had to lend it to jisung” “are you going to pick it up or is he bringing it back here” “im sure i can go there and pick it up after my recital tomorrow” “huh?! are you sure? i didnt even mention you were coming back to him because he never asks about you” “what kind of woman doesnt remember her fiance?”

the coal mine.

cheolgang enters the coal mine and enters the wire-trapper room after greeting his soldiers. the soldiers gets up from their seats and salutes cheolgang. “ive seen you all work hard, thank you”. manbok hears cheolgang and immediately salutes him. cheolgang tells manbok to follow him into the back exit.

“sir, what brings you all the way here?” manbok asks. “ri muyeok’s brother is now in the outpost. so i need you to wire his house. theres a women in there and im using it to ruin his family” as cheolgang finishes. manbok gets flashbacks about jisung’s brother.

7 years ago.

“you see, my little brother is studying in switzerland right now” muyeok says in the car with another soldier. “mmhm, hes a piano genius with a full scholarship. but everytime i call him, hes always sorry. maybe its because one of us had to follow our dads path” muyeok replies. “did you wanted to be on the piano path?” “nah, i wasnt into it as jisung was so i took this path” the soldier nods his head. “but he told me when he gets back, he’ll play a song for me, so im excited for that. i bet itll put me in a happy mood”

manbok, who listens to their conversation, helping cheolgang with his favor; killing muhyeok. telling where the driver to go, they collied with muyeoks vehicle. hearing the crashing noises made manbok go numb.

everyones outside the village, looking though jisung’s car, full of excitement. eavesdropping from the gate, jisung comes behind you and tells you hes leaving. “wait let me walk you out. so those women can see what i actually look like since it was dark outside” “no, theres no time for that. also, here. tie it up” jisung gives you a handkerchief. “tie what up?” jisung turns you around and ties your hair up, securing it with a double knot.

heading out of the gate together, you pretended to play the good wife and walked jisung out of the house. before he could leave your sight, you grabbed his wrist and told him to pat you hair, as if you two were being real about your engagement. he then pats your house as everyone is disgusted at your actions. you then tell him to wave at you in which he did. waving at him back, he turns around and heads to the base, bowing at people.

the village women from last night shows up to jisungs house after bad talking about you, inviting for a kimchi battle, you refuse.

back at the base, all soldiers are in an array. “hwang hyunjin, lee felix, kim seungmin, and yang jeongin. all of you but the four of you, head to the shooting range”

with everyone gone but the five of them, they meeting in jisung’s office. “so what did you tell them” hyunjin asks. “i told them shes my fiancee” everyone gasp loudly. “guys just be quiet right now. we just need a plan for her to get back on the boat”

as the four men walk to jisungs house as jisung himself goes to where the accident happened. as he talks to the soldier that was the guard for the place couldnt see what exactly happened since it was dark but he took note on how empty the cargo was and how the front the truck had armor. a very sharp armor.

in south korea, sehyeong calls the people who are helping him track down minseok, telling them to go to the places where he think hes hiding at. at the family meeting, both sehyeong and sejun continue to fight over who would be the next heir. sanga recommends the la vie en rose should be over if your disappearance is longer than expected.

in the village, you can see how hard life is as a north korean. telling the boys that youre off into the house to get potatoes, you noticed a little boy stealing one of the jackets. as the boys saw, they quickly ran towards the little boy and manages to stop him, as a bag of rice falls off of his pocket. “let me go! i need to feed my sister who hasnt eaten in 3 days and because of that, she cant open her eyes!”

making everyone come back to the house, you grabbed food from the cupboards as hyunjin is speaking nonsense. “you really act like this is your own house. youre giving away food thats not even yours to some boy whos lying” after putting the food into a tote bag, as well as a small blanket, youre stopped as you see jisung. “captain han! hes faking it!” hyunjin yells out. “no im not!”

“shut up hyunjin” you shut him up. jisung tells the little boy to wash his face and hands before eating so that he can prevent getting sick. after he washes he face and hands, he runs towards his little sister, who is sleeping alone under cardboard and a small sheet covering it. finally happy to feed his sister.

after that is finished, everyone gathers around and spends time with you before you leave tonight. “okay everyone! today i will give you awards to claim once we meet again” “awards!? are you a general or something?-” “and the first award goes to yang jeongin !” you say as you cut off hyunjin. “now you have two choices. you can use your prize as we see each other again or get it now. when we meet, youll get 100 million won, or get 8 corn now” “ill get the corn!”

“second prize goes to lee felix! your prize when we meet again is have lunch with jiwoo or get the tv right there” you pointed to jisungs tv. “look-” “dont worry, hell pick the first one” you whisper back to jisung. “ill pick the first one” felix gets up and claims his award.

“third one goes to the most handsome is ... kim seungmin!” jisung looks at you with disbelief. “you can have a blind date with miss korea or any award youd like” “ill choose none” nodding you head, you agreed seungmin is like the boys in south korea.

“okay thats all-” “wait what about me” hyunjin asks. “seriously? fine here, have this shampoo, conditioner, and bodywash” as you threw him the bag full of the products jisung got you earlier. “what the- captain han you really bought her this?!” “she said it was essentials”

after announcing the awards and coming to the end, jisung gets up as jealousy is on him, and goes out of the house. following him behind, you take him to your thank you gift for him; tomatoes after giving the seller half of jisungs potato sack since you didnt have any money. however, jisungs not impressed since he doesnt like tomatoes and doesnt properly treat it well. “whatever, just water it and say 10 nice things to it”

the night comes and everything leads to the end. the 4 men are back, eating corn on the mountain near the base with the moon shinning on them. “i feel sad now” jeongin speaks, stopping the silence. “after all the complications, its now the end”

you and jisung go inside the car jisung borrowed from myeonseok. heading to the dock where youre finally going home. taking off the handkerchief jisung gave you for you hair and folding it, you put it in the middle. “thank you for everything. i mean it” you told him. “we wont see each other again, right?” “probably” jisung answers. “its such a shame that you live here.” “its a shame that you live there” you chuckled at his joke, creating silence in the car once again.

parking the car near the deck, felix’s dad comes out of his boat as you two walk out. giving him the ticket, he asks if its just you. “no, the two of us. ill return after she is on the other boat” jisung says as you widen your eyes at him.

going onto the boat and sailing into the middle of the ocean. “since we probably wont see each other again, my name is yoon y/n” jisung looks at you with sincere eyes. “my name is han jisung” jisung smiles.

“ah, im a member of the haeju yoon clan. haeju is in north korea right?” “im a member of hanju han clan” “the irony!” both of you laugh, making jisung feeling happy after a while.

suddenly, a flash a light flashed the boat. “stop the boat!” yelled the other boat who was trailing behind felix’s dads boat. you and jisung hid under the boat as the boat was stopped. the police were investigating the boat. “were here to see your honesty and see if youre trading goods or smuggling humans to other countries” “why would i do that?” the police stomps on the blue hallow board, which was where you and jisung were hiding.

“open up!” was what you both heard underneath. “jisung! what do we do?! youre a soldier you should know what to do. geez” you silently yelled out. “in south korean dramas-” “what?! this is no time to talk about this” you freaked out. “im going to do something. now look at me and dont be startled. look at me and nothing else”

with that, jisung slams his lips into yours as the door opened.

additional ending:

after you leave jisung alone with the tomato plant, jisung bends down and tells 10 nice words.

“sunshine, happiness, rose, friends, breeze, cheekies, family, flowers, love, and piano”

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Hunchback of Notre Dame (One-Shot)

-------------------------

It's a lesson as old as time itself really, never judge a book by its cover, never judge a beast by its claws, thousands of iterations all equal to the very same principle.

But there are people who refuse to take such principles to heart, and would in fact rather spread principles in direct opposition.

Werecreatures have never had a very good reputation, from the animal-like designs to the depictions of their kind as unkind and ruthless. So trying to find a place to stay was much more difficult than it should have been.

"Four travelers for safe passage into the mindscape," a voice shrouded by a cloak muttered, waving down another werecreature, this one holding a bundle in its arms.

The bundle was crying, as though aware of the horrific events that would occur just beyond that gate.

"We've been tricked!"

"Judge Doyle!"

The werecreature holding the bundled skittered away on the eight spindly appendages protruding from it's back, paying no mind to the sound of footsteps against stone rapidly gaining in it.

Until it hit the ground with a sickening crack, and went stock still, the bundle falling to the ground like a rock.

Doyle had always been a cruel man. He'd trained his own son, Patton, to fear him, and to in turn fear that which opposed him.

And it was Doyle who had found the spider's body.

It was Doyle who took the bundle from the still and cold arms of its mother.

And it was Doyle who attempted to drown the eight-eyed and multi-limbed child that resided within.

"STOP!" Doyle only gave momentary pause at his son's call.

"What are you doing?." Patton said as he reached the bottom of the steps.

"Sending this creature to the dark side, right where it belongs," Doyle said coldly.

"You've killed an innocent person, and you believe the best course of action is to add the blood of a child to your crimes? What would Thomas think. . ." Patton said.

That had struck a nerve, the bundle was moved from the well.

"And what do you suggest I do?." Doyle snapped, thinking he'd stumped the man in front of him.

"Care for it, you've raised one son, what's another?" Patton said, raising an eyebrow.

"Me? Saddled with this- this-" Doyle paused for a few moments.

"Very well, we'll keep him in the old bell tower, by your village," Doyle said.

And he christened the child Virgil.

Virgil grew up lonely, terrified of even the slightest idea of leaving his tower.

His tower covered with bells and cobwebs and a table at the center with wooden constructs of the other denizens of the mindscape.

He grew up with no memory of his family other than those fed to him by Doyle. False memories of betrayal.

He grew up looking into the mirror and seeing eight eyes staring him back, each a cruel and sharp reminder of his inability to exist outside of that tower.

Patton had tried his best to undo such conditioning, but rarely was Patton allowed into the tower.

Today was a day Virgil remembered well, a festival of delight and chaos.

The Feast of Fools.

Patton had tried desperately to convince Virgil to attend, but Virgil was firmly locked under Doyle's heel, the spider caught in it's own web.

That is, for a moment.

One conversation at the dinner table, a recitation of the alphabet punctuated by far to many hisses and clicks, and Virgil was ready to flee.

He stitched up his own cloak, pulled it over his head, and ran out.

It was terrifying. His ears rang and his eyes burned like ash.

And then it all seemed to stop as he fell through cloth, instead punctuated by a gasp.

And then he was face to face with the most beautiful man he'd ever seen in his life. Eyes of golden yellow, hair of a deep brown, and scales of emerald. He was gorgeous, and he was holding Virgil's face as though it were a priceless glass treasure.

"I-Im sorry I-" Virgil stammered.

"Nonono, it's alright, you poor thing, you dont look very adept to sunlight do you?" He spoke softly, almost as if he though Virgil might flee if he were to loud.

Virgil shook his head slightly.

"Itll be fun, you should join the crowd, the light's much less likely to hit you there," and Virgil felt a soft kiss on his forehead before he rejoined the festivities.

And then came the main festival, someone he didnt recognize talked upstage and sang. Dark blue and purple hair like a galaxy bouncing around their face.

"Come one! Come all! Make an entrance to entrance- see the mystery and romance~" they purred as they backed toward the curtains.

"Come one! Come all! Hurry hurry heres your chance- see the finest man in France, dance Janus dance!" And then they were gone, replaced by the man Virgil had met before, now dressed in yellow and black cloth, his hair hidden under a hat.

Virgil flinched as Janus got closer and closer to where Doyle was watching the stage, wrapping a golden scarf around his neck as though Janus planned to choke him.

And then Virgil lost track of what was happening, until he was on stage, and he heard gasping.

He froze, he could almost feel Doyle's gaze from the other end of the stage.

And then the screams and gasping stopped, to be replaced with laughter. A crown was placed on Virgil's head, a cape fitted over the spindly legs sticking out from his back.

He smiled, the first genuine smile he'd had in decades.

Squelch

Virgil wasnt sure where the tomato had come from. Only that more were following, and suddenly ropes were tugging at his limbs,he tried to fight them off, tried calling for his father.

But Doyle only smiled and looked away. His guardsman, a man dressed in white and gold armor, green eyes wide with shock, made a single move toward Virgil, but was held back.

And then everything stopped, he felt hands against the ropes, heard Doyle call for someone to get down.

And then he was once again face to face with Janus.

"I'm so sorry. . . No one deserves this. . ." Janus said quietly before standing up, a hand firmly around Virgil's arm as he regained his own balance.

"You mistreat this poor man the same way you mistreat us all! You would call him a son and yet what freedom has he known! Compared to your only other son! What justice has been served as their spirits are crushed under the heels of men like you!." Janus snarled. Virgil saw a slight movement from the bell tower, likely Patton hiding behind a pillar before Doyle could catch his eyes.

"Silence." Was Doyle's only response.

"JUSTICE!" Janus called. Doyle pointed toward his guards, then toward Janus.

"Oh dear. . . Well let's see theres-" Janus pointed to each of the advancing guards and muttered under his breath "-ten of you, and one of me, oh what's a poor snake to do?" Janus pulled a yellow cloth from his dress and began to cry into it, before sneezing. . . And disappearing off stage.

Vitgil watched with intrigue as Janus led the guards throughout the square before disappearing into the building that made up the lower half of his bell tower.

Doyle beckoned for his head guard to follow him, before turning his eyes to Virgil.

And thus began Virgil's tearful walk back to the top of the tower.

His chest ached, he thought of Janus' hands caressing his face, of those eyes and scales and the way his lips quirked in a fashion that couldve been read as a sneer, were it not for the fact that his eyes looked as though they'd witnessed a miracle.

Virgil heard singing from the lower level of the tower, and upon further investigation, discovered that Janus had even more talents than Virgil had first thought.

So finally, he resolved to help him.

"Theres guards at every entrance, how exactly do you expect us to do this?" Janus said, raising an eyebrow.

"No one said we had to use a door," Virgil said with a sly grin.

"Hold on," he said, he felt Janus' arms around his waist, it was awkward, Janus had to have been almost two feet taller than he was.

Virgil reached one of his webs, pulled, and jumped off of the tower, Janus tried his best not to scream as they fell.

They said their goodbyes and Virgil pushed the necklace Janus had given him under his hoodie, he couldnt have it discovered, he'd rather die than be the reason Janus got hurt.

Which was why he'd decided to pin Roman to a wall when he came up the stairs.

"Woah woah woah- hey- I'm not here for him I promise! I helped him declare sanctuary!" Roman whisper-yelled.

"Then why are you here now." Virgil snarled.

"Just- tell him I'm sorry, and tell him I hope he's safe," Roman said.

Virgil paused for a moment before letting Roman down.

"You know. . . Janus is lucky to have you. . ." Roman said as he trodded down the stairs.

Things only seemed to get worse from there, Virgil could hardly breath as smoke rose from the ground, the crackling of fire mixing with the screams of the were-creatures who refused to give away Janus' location.

Until Janus showed up at Virgil's tower himself, this time carrying Roman's body in his arms.

"He was shot. . . Almost through the heart. . ." Janus said quietly. Virgil nodded and gathered up cobwebs to make bandages. He wished he couldve made fresh ones, but it had been many years since he'd stopped being able to use that ability.

"He can stay with me- you need to run, fast," Virgil said, shooing Janus away. Janus pressed one last kiss on Roman's lips before fleeing.

And soon Roman himself was on the run alongside Virgil. Both on a mission to keep Janus and his people from a gruesome death at Doyle's hands.

Virgil wasn't exactly sure what he'd been expecting from the Court of Miracles, but it certainly wasnt the same galaxy-haired catboy from the stage prancing around in front of a set of gallows gleefully calling out the supposed misdeeds of Virgil and Roman, before declaring their imminent deaths on the charge of complete innocence.

"Stop! These arent enemies! They're our friends!" And then came Janus from the crowd.

Everything happened all to quickly after that. Screaming and racing around trying to escape as their plans came crashing at Doyle's feet.

And then Virgil found himself chained to a tower.

And watching Janus standing on a pyre, straw littering his feet, flames kicking up around him.

And Virgil only felt one emotion, rage.

Chains were pointless. Chains were stifling and unnecessary and Virgil wanted nothing to do with them. He only wanted Janus safe and in his arms.

So it was quite the disappointment when he discovered Janus' lack of breath.

"You killed him. . ." Virgil muttered as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I had to. . . I only wish it had happened before he'd done such damage to you. . ." Doyle muttered. Virgil noticed a knife being brought towards him in the shadows on the walls.

That blade wouldve looked so much better in Doyle's heart. But fire worked quite well to.

Virgil had been afraid if the sun for quite some time, afraid of anything to do with the outside. But it was much easier to get through when he had his hands intertwined with both Janus and Roman's, and when he wasnt stifled by a fear of his own face.

----------------------------------------------

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[thisismyhell]

Bodyguard (Part 1)

I’m giving fanfiction a try! this is my very first one, and i think itll become a series. 

Reader x Loki

Summary: Reader works with the Avengers as a research Biologist, and receives a worrying text from a toxic ex boyfriend. Loki enlists himself in watching out for reader, and fluff ensues. 

Warnings: mentions of stalker/toxic ex boyfriend, fluff

Since living in the compound, you were accustomed to not only high security, but constantly being surrounded by Gods, Monsters, and people who could kill with a look. You happened to fall into the cracks of these people, weaving your way into each basket briefly before moving on.

Since you lived where you worked, spending time late at night in a meeting, your office, or in the gym wasn’t out of the ordinary. You thrived in this environment since you could spend all your time doing your work without having to take travel time or traffic into account.

Tonight was one of those nights. You were working in your office, deep in concentration on your recent research proposal, when a notification from your phone almost gave you whiplash. You caught your breath, and reached for your phone, noticing that it was an unrecognized number. Not thinking much of it, you unlocked your screen, when your stomach dropped.

“Hey (Y/N), it’s been a while eh? Wanted to let you know im in the neighbourhood, and wanted to get drinks some time with you. I can pick you up at the compound. -K”.

Your ex-boyfriend. How did he manage to get your new number? You shouldn’t even be surprised, considering how easy it was for him to insert himself into every aspect of your life when you were together.

Months ago, you started to notice how jealous he became at every little thing. You wanted to go out with friends? He insisted on either coming or giving you a curfew. Weren’t home on time to his liking? He would track your phone and show up unannounced to wherever you were, loudly declaring to everyone around you that you must be cheating on him. He had horrible trust issues, and sometimes you wondered what he would do if you stopped giving in to his words. Would be become forceful? Would you be in physical danger? Thankfully, you mustered up the strength to call it quits before you found out, but who knows what would have happened if you hadn’t?

You blinked back into reality and took in your surroundings. You were surprised that you felt so alone suddenly. Usually you have no problem with staying up late like this, even if you were the last in the research building. You began to quickly pack up your belongings, clutching your phone, swiftly exiting into the hallway. You knew you were just being paranoid, but you looked down both sides of the hall before racing to the elevators. Once it arrived, you jumped in and pushed the button incessantly until you were safely inside. As you listened to the dings of each floor pass, and watched the lights switch to each level, you began to calm down. You felt ridiculous. Why would you be scared of your lazy ex boyfriend over a text message? Maybe it was someone sending a prank text. Maybe he wasn’t even in the city. And lord help anyone who tried to break into the compound without getting tackled by security. You were fine.

The elevator doors slid open and you gained back your confidence; stepping out onto the main floor when all of a sudden you hit what felt like a brick wall, sending your things flying, and dropping your phone to the floor. You gasped, shoving yourself against the wall and throwing your forearms in front of your face. Someone grabbed them and tried to move them down but it wasn’t working. “(Y/N would you relax?! It’s just me.” Loki. That monster. You opened your eyes and pushed back at him, your fear being replaced with anger and frustration. “LOKI I AM GOING TO KILL YOU I SWEAR TO GOD WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING IN THIS BUILDING YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS-“. His laughter brought you back to reality. “(Y/N) what is wrong with you? You really have terrible reaction times to your fear, we should work on that”. Through all the commotion and stress you didn’t realize it but you began to cry. “Love, are you alright? I didn’t scare you that badly did I, what’s wrong?”.

You slid down the wall and haphazardly began to collect your things. You picked up your phone, and handed it to Loki, who looked at the message on the screen. “(Y/N), is this who I think it is?”. You nodded. Once you packed your bag, Loki helped you up. “Is this why you were so scared? You thought I was him?”. You nodded again, catching your breath.

The two of you began to go outside, walking along the garden pathway back to the main building where you all lived. “I haven’t heard from him in months. Not since I ended things. He took it horribly but I never thought that maybe it wasn’t over for him. He seemed like the type to be mad, but then move on to some other girl once he had the chance. I can’t believe he found my number again.” Loki listened to you as you walked in the dark, illuminated only by compound streetlamps and the fireflies of the gardens around you. “(Y/N), I’ll be honest, I find it highly unlikely for someone to forget about you that quickly without remorse. I know the two of you were not together for that long, but he seems to still be struggling with the thought of letting you go.” You felt a bit surprised. “What, so I had this text coming to me? I should have known he would want to make contact again?”. He realized what he had implied. “No, I’m sorry. What I mean is, I am not surprised that he would want to have this influence you. Forgive me, but maybe his skull is too thick to get that through.” You laughed and he smiled down at you.

________________________________________________________

You and Loki had clicked almost immediately. You were a researcher hired into the Stark company, bringing your useful knowledge of biology and mechanics. Since there were now Gods and Aliens on the team, Stark thought it would be quite useful to try and bridge the gap. So he went through universities around the world, not sure what exactly he was looking for. But when he walked into your lab by accident, you had yelled over to him for an extra hand in helping tie some stem cells together. He noticed your focus and lack of ick-factor and interviewed you on the spot. Well, more like allowing you to crack open his gadgets and listen to you go on and on about how you think human properties could be incorporated into his technology. He was instantly hooked.

He brought you back to the compound and introduced you to the team the next week. Loki noticed how you weren’t flinching at any of the information being thrown at you, and even began to ask questions to your team members about their own worlds. He noticed that you were already acting like a team member, without needing the blood bond. You were gung-ho the minute you set foot on the property. And he respected that.

The two of you became closer after you expressed interest in reading some Asgardian texts that you were useless in deciphering. Loki agreed to be your partner in your research adventure, offering a better look into each others lives.

 ________________________________________________________

As you looked back up at your friend, you realized how thankful you were that he had almost scared you to death. If he hadn’t, you’d be all alone out here in the dark, probably looking over your shoulder at every snap of a twig. Although the compound was quiet and secluded, there were still the elements. The two of you came to a stop outside the main entrance doors. “Are you feeling alright now?”, “Yes, thank you. I’m glad I didn’t have to make that walk alone. Usually I’m fine, but that text message really threw me off”. “I can see why. What kind of idiot jus announces their desire to ambush you like that? He doesn’t seem like the strategic type.” He smiled down at you, trying to lighten the mood. You reciprocated, letting him open the door for you.

The wait for the elevator and the ride up to your rooms was passed with asking each other about your work days and if you had evening plans. Neither of you were good at keeping an honest sleep schedule. As the two of you were saying goodnight to each other in your hallway, he stopped you before entering your room. “(Y/N), I know you can hold your own, but if you ever need someone to walk you home again, you know how to contact me”. You reached up and gave him a hug. “Thank you Loki, I appreciate that. And you know the same always goes for you”. You let him go and as he walked away from you, you called out to him once more; “By the way, what were you even doing in the research building today?”. He stopped and turned to face you, “I saw your office light on from outside. I was hoping to run into you before you left for the evening. Unfortunately I ended up frightening you rather than enticing you”. You raised your eyebrows, “Loki, you know you always entice me”.

He walked away, and you entered your room feeling a wave of comfort and relief wash over you.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

The mercs with an s/o who is on the autism spectrum? If you want to

 as a person with diagnosed autism( ASD that later changed to SCD but concidering my countrys lack of proper diagnosis and non-existant support when i was growing up, im not sure,it might was a result of chronic abuse or i was a really weird kid) its my duty to answer this ask,

always know that you are perfect with all your imperfections 

just because maybe your brain is wired different it doest make you less of a person

you are poetry

Scout

-my boy has adhd ( probably undiagnosed until he was examined by Medic) so you two might have a little problem at the begining.

-he might be the closest to a jack russel in human form, but he cares about you and is willing to sit down and do his research so he can understand you and your struggles. He isn’t a hypocrite, he is a hyperenergetic bundle of daddy issues and is sure he will annoy you from time to time, he annoys pretty much everyone except his mom on rare occasion, he is a hanfull and he knows that years now. But he also has come to understand that everyone has struggles and little things that make them more special than others.

-if you have problems with communication , he’ll be your mouth .Problems with sensory overstimulation? he will escort you to the safest place and hug you tighter than he thought hes capable of. People mistreating or bullying/insult you? the bat is in his hands and his ready to hit home runs on their balls. You might not be the perfect couple, you will struggle like every couple and have fights and arguments, but he is ready to phase every difficulty that comes on your way. He loves you and he is here for the ride even if its bumpy.

Soldier

-( I and i think a big part of the community claim he is actually autistic) Probably the most tricky of the mercs, since at one side he might completely relate/understand you and the relationship go smoother than soft butter on bread, or he might have problems communicating the relationship problems with you.

-as all relationships you two must sit down and communicate your problems. Believe me he isn’t mentally retarded ( a horrible misconsumption ive seen being thrown around), yes he is stubborn and can’t read social cues to save his life, but he is a loyal beefcake with a golden heart hardened by a lifitime of war. He knows he isn’t the perfect man, he has nightmares and panic attacks on the regualr after so much trauma in his life. But he also knows that if he S/O needs him, it doesnt matter if its a small or big thing, he is ready to go through hell and back to make them happier or more comfortable 

-you can’t stand loud noises? copy that privet, he will stop yelling/ screaming around you. Certain things make you uncomfortable/ anxious? hes at your side and he is ready to snap necks...you have his heart and his adoration, he ain’t a coward or a pansy, you’ll win over any challenge that comes your way like the absolute unit you are and he is there to assist

Pyro

-fresh from the start they can recognise you have autism, i lowkey think they might be ( actually in young adults asd and mild schizophrenia can be mixed and confused by not good qualified doctors, its been years since i read that study so correct me if im wrong) or have really good gut insticts. Either way, they know you are struggling and trie in subtle ways to help you

-did an important call without stuttering? hug and smooch on the crown of your head, completed all your work/homework? they will cover you in stickers and cuddle you in their pillowfort, stood up for yourself? my girl theyll make a huge cupcake tray and youll two will eat while watching sappy disney films

- you won’t struggle as much, i see them as more easy going than other members of the team. But they also have big issues that may create problems in the relationship that you both need  to work on. They are more than a handfull and they aren’t unaware of it, they spended years locked inside their own head doing god-knows how vile and harming things to their mentality and body, they can’t believe they are alive and they wake up every day next to the most beautifull human being they have come across their lif, ( Y/n). You will bond slow but strong , you are their sunshine and theyll make sure their sunshine shines no matter what they have to do

Engie

( lowkey i think is canon he has some form of high-functioning autism, just hide its behind the southern warm and soft hospitality)

- when you confess, he hugs you ( a big thing coming from him since i dont consider him a touchy fella)  and returns the confession that he is too. He knows each person experiences different so he won’t press you for explanations or description of what you have is excactly. He just assures whatever happens, he is there to help you with

- doesn’t really change how he views you, but he takes the initiative for things like talking to strangers, calling to order or things that you struggle with, but he doesnt baby you. You are an adult person and will be treated as that, even if sometimes he feels he needs to “help” or “protect” you

-one of the most  easy going of the mercs, but his work is his priority so there will be long arguments about it. He understands your frustation, but he is a workaholic years now before you came in his life and can’t bring himself to change that. His work is his routine, the only comfort he knows and the only place that accepted him for who he is. But, he will be more elastic and have more breaks/ days off even if it means the project will be finished an hour or two later, unless it has an urgent deadline. He knows he can be very cold and emotionless, he is an engineer, not a spy for that reason. Furthermore he has his own times when he is stubborns or has an anger explosion because something broke/didnt meet his expectations or got way too invested into something that turned to be worthless/ uselless so he isn’t the one to judge if you are in a sour mood or you have your own “ explosion”. After all said and done, late at night when you are both alonein his workshop he will just cradle you in his arms and make a silence promise to always be there for you through thin and thick ( as we say to go through 40 waves and 40 more ) because you are something that no machine or creation can emulate or recreate, you are ( Y/N) and you are the love of his life.

Demo

-arguably one of the three more knowledgable of the mercs in the topic of mental health department. Being raised in an orphanage i doubt he didnt had at least a dozen other kids who had from high to moderate to severe autism ( during the 20th century it wasnt uncommon for people with autism to be thought less human or that the family of said people couldn’t provide for them in severe cases so theyd be dropped on orphanages and psychiatric hospitals)., so he has some first hand experiene with what autism is. It isn’t something for him in all honesty, after so much trauma and hardship in his life he is at peace that peopleare different and their brains are rarely wired the same

-he also know he isn’t ideal, he acts really stupid when he is drunk and his alcohol consumption alone is a very big problem for any relationship he ever had in his life and i doubt he is the image of psychological perfection, but he also knows that if you are willing to keep him around you have seen him wasted out of his mind, he is more than willing to put up with anyof your quirks or difficulties.

-you want to stim? go ahead he’ll leave the room/the house so you can stim to your hearts content, you want to stay? sure thing lass, hell sit in a corner and drink a bit while you have your thing. Work/ school/ home life is stress full and you are in the verge of a breakdown? he has already wrapped you like a burrito and he is holding you while you cry/vent, you dont want to be touched at that moment? hell take you to an open field and you can blow things up to get all those feelings out of you. He isn’t ideal, he is at peace with that, but now that you appeared in his life, you became the apple of his eye. He’ll cherish you and protect you both as body but as a mind and a soul for whatever shit life throws at you, he was never one to back down a challenge.

Heavy

-due to the language barrier and his nature as a quiet man it’ll take him some time. If you bring it up he’ll simply nod and run to Medic or Spy for translation. He isn’t shy to do a doctors worth of research so he knows what he has to deal with, he knows his english is broken and would prefer to have a migraine over the amount of books hes read than make you feel uncomfortable. Probably will ask advice from Medic ( the most qualified on the team) untill hes satisfied he knows enough.

-probably the sanest of the mercs, but he isn’t perfection. He had to endure famine and death from very early in his life, always be the stone his family anchored on and most people on his life, so he has his own big problems. At one side he is used to so many things, he is somewhat indiferent. You aren’t harming anyone nor its life threatening, so it doesnt really change what he feels about you. All people have flaws, noones perfect and if they do think they are perfect, they are very, very wrong. I won’t lie to you, some times hell get confuse with your behavior or will get tired of being the “ anchor” of the relationship, but he will never admit it. He survived the Gulags and years in Siberia, this is nothing but a walk in the park for him. He isn’t a fuckboy, he doesn’t want you just for some fuck and then hell forget you exist, he is much more sentimental than he appears to be. He beginned this with you because he sees you more than a body, he sees you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with even if itll be a challenge, he was never a quiter and he wont be now.

- don’t expect much communication help from him, unless its in russian. But whenever you feel the tiniest bit of self-doubt or anxiety his arms are open to embrace and warm you with  his love. He might was raised among anarchy and war, but he is a gentle giant with a heart bigger than Russia herself. He knows you two will struggle especially on the communication domain but he is willing  to do what it takes to make your life easier/ less challenging. He came here to stay, only if you allow him 

Medic

-Arguably the most medically qualified of the mercs, but considering the era of his studies hes at least rusty on modern terminology and general understanding of what autism is. Nontheless his a doctor ( with or without a medical license) and i doubt he ever followed the rules of ethical and unethical medicine. He is a healer primeraly and he can’t claim to be the most mentaly stable of the team.

-he might be many things, he knows hes at least crazy by normal standards and has made extremely questionable choices in his life,but he cares for the people he is close to, lovers and collagues alike. He won’t try to ‘change’or ‘medicate’ you; unless you specifically ask him for, like yes he has defied any sort of ethical medicine and has played god many times in his life, but he knows that if he changes you, you won’t be ‘you’. You will be you still, but nothing more than a lobotomized version of yourself and he fears that. Let’s be real, he probably choosed you because you are a smart individual ( that includes both street and book smarts alike) so if he “killed” your smart he would essentially kill you and this doesnt sit well with him.

-feeling down? no worries, the doctor is here ( afterhe finis hes re-connecting snipers new kidneys). Stressed? Archimedes will be your own personal cheerleader and the rest of the flock won’t let you all stressed and alone while Medic is working. In the simplest of works,he wants you to know that  he might be a madman on the field and the medbay, but he is also your lover and that means he cares about you. He doesnt care if act a lil strange or you have some special things about you, guess what? he doesnt cares. H e never cared and he will never cared, all the greatest minds had something  special about them and you are no exception. He chosed to have a relationship with  you and you accepted the love request of a surgery-happy maniac , im sure he is beyond equiped to handle you in all aspects. He might not be the most touchy but he will make his point across that you are someone who means wayy to much for him to change

Sniper

- ( i highly think he is autistic, just the way hes potrayed in most fanfics he acts lowkey autistic, mostly in the communication and sociable part) growing up in the middle of nowhere probably he has never even heard ‘autism’ as a word , so his very lost. (another headcanon of mine is that he is also iliterate) You need to explain to him what autism is and how it affects your life. He has a non-pleasant expression on his face, because he realises most things that you say what that “autism”is and the thing it has are things he actually  has and felt throughout his life. He looks like hes having a religious expierience and when you are done he only nods and hugs you almost mechanically.

-he will need some time, not because ofyou, but because of him. You might think he is breaking up with, butin reality he just needs some time alone to sit down and think about all the things you said. Its one of the biggest revalations he has experienced on his life and it has hit him like a wall of bricks.

- after a few days he will return to the base and will ask you to meet with him on the most secluded of his snipers nest. While you prepare for the upcoming breakup, he actually showers and wears somet hing nice for the first time in a while. He goes out of his way to make the sniper nest a bit more “ comfortable” even bribe spy into giving him one of his fancy wines. Once you go up the nest and you two meet, he is the most clingy he has ever been and almost drinks the whole bottle out of pure anxiety. Once his tipsy enough he actually confesses that from the things you said, he found out hes also autistic. Que him basically clinging you like a broken koala baby while half-sobbing to expell all the tension he  has inside him. Please pet his hair and rub his back,he will melt and quit his rugged manly man persona for that moment. He needs you there, he needs your soft touch to ground him while his whole life comes crushing down and a weight he never imagined is being lifted from his shoulders.After that, its quaranteed you two won’t be seperated ever again, he needs you to ease all this pain he has gathered from his troubled life and he will provide you the world and the stars.

Spy

- he knows what autism is( as a spy he should know about human psychology/mental disorders just to know how to impersonate any person with or without issues) and he is a very observant man. He has above average attention span and knows how to read body language so he has figured you are autistic a long time ago. He is just waiting for you to open up about it or confess it, but he also knows the social stigma around autism so he keeps his mouth shut because he really doesn’t want you  to feel uncomfortable or ‘naked’ in front of him

- i heavily headcanon him to be at least depressed/having an ugly anxiety disorder or even a dissosiative disorder considering a big part of his life is carefully crafted theater , so he can’t say he is any more better than you.Furthermore he never really cared about what society thinks about mental ilnesses, whos here to judge who sane and not? he has seen so much shady things behind closed doors of “ pure” people he has lost all respect for what society thinks its normal and what is weird or not acceptable. Yes he follows the rules of “good” society but thats more of a habit than a need. Plus have you seen what the good ol’ society behind close doors? yap youll need a good bible study and some church to wash away the sins.

-eventually when you confess to him,he doesn’t really act. He knows its a heavyemotinal moment for you but he can’t open up for his own problems, at least now. But he will embrace you for now and say all the sweet words you need to hear...untill the same time he gets drunker than he can and confesses to you in french all his psychological troubles while he cries on your chest. He won’t let go unless he wants to vomit and he will cling to you for dear life while he experiences one of the ugliest meltdowns he has experienced in the last decade. Probably will wake up with a monster of a hangover, but once he feels you wrapped around him and feel your heartbeat on the bones of his back something will meltin him. He will gather whatever strenght he has, turn around, give you one of the most genuine smiles he has ever given in his entire life and peck your lips bore he starts whining and requiesting you to either kill him or fetch medic. Perhaps one day hell say all the things he wants to say in you mother tongoue but for now, just know he will cherish you and love you like the most exquisite poetry that has graced his life

[fraener]

3/13/23

i did some ifs after my entry the other day and i felt a big wave of calm come over me. ive been worried ill get the stomach flu since i know its going around in the city and fen caught it and a woman at the flea market was saying they were talking about it on the radio-although it could have been the bacterial disease too. im slowly unpicking the terrible knots of the last couple of years, trying to go slowly and not break any threads, trying to be attentive and patient as i can be. i got to see shady and it was so nice. we talked and talked till the small hours, last call at the bar. it felt good to talk about ian in full and have everything be validated and related to. it demoted him slightly, broke up the fiction slightly. he hasnt responded to my text, i still dont think he will- but the thought doesnt break me. ive broken down my responses a little- i dont think my ocd is as a reaction to current instances of lack of control, but it feels to me like an octopus or a leech; im always pulling its grasp off of something just for it to grab onto another thing immediately after. i unhooked it from the foodborne illnesses fear and now its holding tight to being worried about the virus. not different, but not the same i suppose. my will is so bent to protecting and holding and validating that lagging ball of grief. i and my will remember the momentum in moment of ian because my will was free- i knew at that point my life was huge, and everything bigger around me- i could do anything i wanted. i suspect the lack of control i felt im my relationships(especially aggravated by both m’s), with s, and all of the little stressors made that little part feel really unstable and tug the sleeve of my will so hard it had no choice but to comply and appease. im slowly trying to work its fingers loose. school is almost wrapped up and im having a hard time thinking about what i want to do next spring. just a year to go from now, and ill be done. i know shady and callum are probably moving back east after shadys done with their ME and theyd like for me to come along. im terrified of leaving my grandparents, however, and terrified ill love the east and not want to come back, and terrified i wont like the east and itll be a huge waste of money and time, all at once. but i dont know. theres something about dark little rooms, parquet floors, lead paint and hurricanes. something about the written word, something about the first steps my ancestors took in the us, something about the cultural heart of this colonized land.i know i need to get better before i go, i really need to work out all the trauma and everything. i need to let go of the idea that the smaller something is the easier it is to control. i have no say in whether i get sick, not really. and i have every word in right over how i spend my life! i have to figure out how to remember that my will is my choice, and to live for myself! im holding so much guilt with seemingly no origin and no destination. 

the days are a little longer now, the plum blossoms are opening and i can feel myself squirming with possibility under my fear and doubt. I want out!