#i know it doesnt seem like it guys but im actually being very restrained

[densewentz]

[kijosakka]

Thoughts. okay so the total drama drama drama drama island special is interesting mainly bc of team e-scope but im going to take a moment here to ramble about his dynamic with other people here,,

(oh and i didn't have anywhere really to slot it into the other post or segue into it here but dodgebrawl as a Moment demonstrates how [this AU] noah can play the social game, just in a very very different way than how it's normally seen.

he knows what he's doing is going to bother his team and incentivize them to vote, i'd say in this au he even plays up the cockiness and makes veiled personal slights against specific people

(mainly those who would be annoyed enough to vote him off, see: heather, justin, leshawna, cody/trent to some extent if he said smth about gwen? < and gwen herself in that scenario. and to another extent beth, since hes playing up his outright mean traits, which would make lindsay vote with her. i dont think he would do anything specific to/with owen or izzy, since he may see izzy as too volatile and owen too genuine)

in the opposite way of whats expected, sure, but it is a social play. he can pick apart what these people are and what they show and push at it to achieve his own ends (and maybe its even some sort of way for him to regain control in this fundamentally uncontrollable situation he's found himself in; he can be the punishment in foucalt's imagining, to a much smaller degree))

so his teammates,,, do not like him tbh. his flagrant display during dodgeball and everyone being pissed at him after the fact is true in this AU, just coming with different motivations. even after the fact when the frustration of everyone fizzles out, hes still majorly offputting because of his detachedness, and deliberately makes his shown traits very unpalatable to experience in person combined with that.

the only two exceptions are izzy and owen respectively: owens mostly coming from a place of genuineness and im going to say while he wouldnt be able to verbalize it, in some manner owen would clock noahs behavior as a defense mechanism. maybe in the sense of 'hes just scared to open up to people!!' or something similar, but he definitely has a lot more faith that noah really isnt that cold and flat.

[*]izzy feels much the same -- except maybe it comes off more to her as strategic. izzy can act, and might recognize that in noah. if you wanted to you could write this in as to why she was eager to swap teams in the first episode, but it wouldnt change that he does get eliminated and thats all she sees of him until the special -- which, her intrigue in his lacking and the fact that it apparently wasnt strategic to get him further in the game, could help explain why she picks him in the team-up.

[*i have soooo much to say about izzy in this au actually. but ill save it for a diff post]

and speaking of the team-up: team e-scope!!!! :0

my au my rules eva and izzy became really good friends on the playa; izzy isn't afraid of eva (and curbing her anger before it reaches a boiling point) and eva is physically adept enough to restrain izzy from Shenanigans that might be a little Much. but eva doesnt really?? know anything about noah?? but izzy insists on teaming with him for the special (and unbeknownst to her noah wasnt even planning to participate initially) so he must be some level of Not Too Bad if izzy wants anything to do with him that doesnt seem to be related to tormenting the guy

and she thinks hes Fine. apathetic and detached and unpalatable (but then again, everyone in their little trio really is to some degree), but can kind of understand izzys intrigue: hes still A Guy, hes just hidden behind 20 layers of non-substance that are so offputting from the first meeting it makes people steer clear of him.

now with tddddi comes two other pertinent details: the justin line, and the Thing With Duncan.

i personally thing noahs 'he's the anti-me' line is really funny in the context of canon but if you squint it kinda works here? wherein justin is non-speaking yet flaunts himself to be the center of attention and clearly shows intent and capacity to scheme (underdeveloped or no, see: awakeathon), whereas noah speaks a lot yet lets himself fade into the background, showing vague hints of the capacity to scheme but no intention or palpable ambition behind it.

^ am i reaching? maybe. the other option here is noah somehow has seen him in-person before on a modeling or red carpet kind of gig and dislikes him on principle because of it/its a jab at it (smth smth they are both opposite ends of the same industry? justin is the face of it in a manner where noah stays behind the scenes and out of sight)

and the thing with duncan,, hear me out here okay noah does his whole song and dance, goes up to him and patronizes him, and duncan retaliates. however, he curses like a sailor and in noah's head has ruined the footage, therefore instead of further retaliating and potentially invoking actual physical harm he just. doesnt react. at all. duncan looks up at him and hes just dead-eyed staring down at him -- and then he leaves.

^ the scene has been ruined, and everyone else is doing so much that theres no reason to play it up any more. duncan and him arent plot important like how heather and lindsay were, theres no reason for the crew to painstakingly edit his swearing out. they just wont let it reach the final cut. duncan is understandably very confused by this, but at that point noah was already gone to find eva and izzy again (< this is when the cast having a running bet that noahs and android becomes Not a Joke)

but life goes on!!! and in the worlds worst comedy of errors (for noah), izzy ends up dragging him along into the lake, thereby leaving him as a confirmed member of the next season.

^ noah is so angry at this. popping blood vessels. he argues with chris endlessly, straight frothing at the mouth at only having two days of real reprieve before he has to deal with the Same Shit again. and chris gets this, to some degree, but also knows that if theres no explanation for noahs non-appearance to hand the producers, theyll be pissed (since all things considered, noahs pretty damn popular among the fans)

luckily for him, courtney just filed a lawsuit against the show!! and since chris is busy running said show, the producers do not want to deal with it and are willing to hand off the case to anyone else -- hence, chris officially signs noah on as his PA, and noah takes over the court settlements and whatnot.

< though i do imagine the producers would see it as a 'get out of the show' scheme, and thereby push way harder for his involvement in WT as a result

but noah does get a break!!! for now, at least.

[actualbird]

Okay before reading this, just in case, wait till 10 or like a decent time. ———— Good? Okay so like the NXX crew, with Animal Crossing (yall were talking about the 2020 hot games so) and like this is the future will it be like VR animal crossing? - Book

hi, Book!!! some things before i get started: 1) i saw this ask at 5am and misread it, 2) bc i saw it at 5am i cant stop myself from answering it at 8am, 3) ive never played New Horizons so this is gonna be VERY off in many places unintentionally and also intentionally, and lastly 4) how did i misread it?

i thought you said "NXX crew as Animal Crossing villagers"

and well, my brain already thought SO MUCH ABOUT THAT so imma go in that direction even if i understand what u really said, SORRY KJBJSDKF

MC is a a rabbit, artem is a bear, vyn is a deer, marius is a cat, and luke is a wolf. they, along with other villagers (celestine the ostrich, kiki the mouse, darius the lion, I COULD GO ON FOREVER), live on STELLIS ISLAND!!! away from the pressures of city life, everybody now has the time to focus on basically everything theyve been putting off, which, for the nxx boys, is basically their METRIC FUCKTON of pining for MC.

//cue animal crossing opening music

i like to imagine the nxx ac au as an idyllic kind of romantic comedy scenario also everybody is animals. theres no player character human but somebody is mayor/museum curator/tom nook/etc. (another chara from tot, not the ingame ac npcs bc im not strong enough to do crossovers omg).

actually kjsbfgjskJBJ WAIT marius still vaguely owns pax here and this whole island is basically a pax development thing and marius very often goes over to mc's house going "isnt this island great? arent i your favooooorite? do you wanna go to the beach because i got great desserts from the city----" and then luke comes over flailing a net around and "accidentally" herding a bunch of wasps towards marius

luke: oops, sorry marius!

marius: //animal crossing language screaming

luke: well, i guess he's busy then. mc, wanna go fruit picking :D

marius: //animal crossing language screaming but PISSED OFF NOW

mc does not want to go fruit picking while marius is running for his life, so mc and luke do save him together and then all three of them go to the beach and then go fruit picking together. all three of them have a great time, but marius and luke wont admit it to the other that they had fun in the other's presence (well, they wont admit it for now, theyll admit it eventually, every au of mine will end in found family whether they LIKE IT OR NOT)

vyn is very often at the island's museum, the nature parts, and whenever mc wants a little bit of a quieter time, all she has to do is go there and theyll both sit down on a bench in the butterfly exhibit and if she has any questions, all she has to do is ask to hear vyn explain in a gentle voice, his fluffy ears twitching (flustered) whenever mc nods or goes "oooh".

if mc wants a more cheeky museum experience, she can go ask marius to come with her and he'll go full art guide mode the entire time. she'll roll her eyes at marius' smugness but also feel her own kind of affectionate smugness when she sees marius' tail sway from side to side, happy and satisfied.

artem is most often found fishing by the rivers and the beach and mc is Very Bad at fishing and cant make much sense of the intricacies of fishing rods or reeling techniques, but artem always assures her that he enjoys being with her nonetheless. his normally stoic, intimidating face always softens whenever she sits down next to him on the shores, his bear nose adorably twitching in restrained happiness.

and luke always seems to be working on something. he and mc hang out a lot, but when they arent, she sees luke going around the island, tail wagging as he collects resources, terraforms land chunks, etc. mc knows that when luke is keeping a secret, he'll almost never tell her, so she starts investigating

mc: do you know what luke is doing?

artem: n....no....i do...not....

mc: youre a terrible liar skjdfsjd. vyn! what's luke doing?

vyn: a passion project of sorts :)

mc: that is an answer that tells me nothing, actually. MARIUS! what is luke up to?

marius: miss :(((( wouldnt you like to ask me what im up to :(((

mc: oh my god you guys

eventually what luke is working on does reach completion, and mc, led by the rest of the boys, is shown to a little secret picnic area in the island, big enough not just for two animals, but five. luke explains that he originally made this place as a gift for her but then //grumbling, luke realized that mc is happiest when theyre all together, so luke made some changes and luke doesnt get to explain past that because mc tackle hugs him in a rabbit hop of gratitude.

mc is so so so happy and the little picnic area becomes a wonderful little area for all of them to go to whenever they want to. there, under the clear skies, mc figures that maybe what they all want can be found in a place like this.

[pastel-bullet-101]

Part 3

I began running towards the field after changing to meet up with the rest of the class but the only thing running through my head. Was absolute joy.

I did it...

I DID IT!

I actually did a mini victory punch into the air. I cant believe I've actually was able to do it. I mean I've done it before once or twice but I did it under pressure and everything. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I cant wait to tell Tomura he'll know that all the time he put into me wasn't a waste. "Y/n!" I look up to see Tsu waving me over. "Hey! Sorry I had some trouble with my zipper." I gave a small laugh.

"Hey next time you have trouble why dont you come to me and I'll be more than happy to help!" I looked down and noticed this short guy winking at me. "Umm excuse me?" I have to say I was hoping that he meant well. I mean hes in the hero course maybe he was just trying to be nice and worded it...weirdly. Tsu then grabbed my arm and started guiding me towards a group away from the guy. "Be careful around him I can assure you that he doesnt have wholesome intentions ribbit." I wanted to ask some more questions but our conversation was cut short by Aizawa. He basically told us that we'd be doing a physical exam but we were allowed to use our quirks. I never took a physical exam cause I was homeschooled all my life but it seems pretty self explanatory. "What was your long throw distance from middle school?" I looked over to who he was talking and notice a guy with blonde spiky hair. Which also happened to be the one who yelled at the two boys when I first entered the classroom. "About sixty seven meters."

"Alright now try the throw the ball using your quirk." I saw the blonde go up to the circle. Stretching his arms and prepping himself for the throw. I then noticed the green haired male that was the victim of the yelling fit focusing on him intently. No doubt he's a analyzer. I walk over to him and stand by him and lightly tap on his shoulder. He jumps a bit and looks over at me. "S-sorry am I in your way?" I quickly nodded a 'no' and pointed over to the blonde. "You were looking at him really strong I was just curious." I gave him a smile and he instantly started to flush. "O-oh um its just-"

"DIE!"

Our conversation was cut into when the blonde suddenly screamed and a large explosion emitted from his hands and then Aizawa show us the distance he threw it. 705.2 meters!

"As you can see your quirks can drastically change results so no holding back. And to make sure you have motivation the person who falls last in this exam will be expelled."

"HAH!?" The class collectively exclaimed.

"Wait but we all just got here and even if it wasn't the first day that's not fair!" I saw it was Ochako but Aizawa was quick to respond. "And you think villian attacks are fair? The world is full of unjust and there is nothing you can do about it so I recommend if you want to go into the hero field you'll need to learn now." Almost Everyone had the horrified expression but when I looked over to the same green haired boy his face was pure and utter fear. It was almost laughable but I decided against letting that reaction out. I could tell his eyes hold a lot of information and if I could get in good with him I get that arsenal of information. "Hey it's ok! If it makes you feel better my quirk isnt very good for these kinds of test. Not to mention this is my first ever physical exam." He seemed to soften a bit at my words but he was obviously still worried. "Thanks." What I said was true my quirk wasn't very good when it came to most of the physical exam my best score was the one for grip but that was more from training then my actual quirk. Yet i noticed that the same green haired boy was struggling bad. He was average in everything and in a class where average is superhumans hes not doing well. Then we got to the ball throw everyone was doing well even me with and impressive 58 meters. Though compared to Ochako its sub par. Then it got to the boy. Yet he had this gleam in his eyes. "Midoriya better shape up or else hes going home." I turn around to see the blue haired man next to that blonde. "Hah? Probably cause hes a quirk less loser." Quirkless? I didnt even know they accepted people like that. He then prepared for his throw. And it was

Disappointing to say the least.

He looked at his hands and then I noticed Mr Aizawa activating his quirk. He then wrapped him into his scarf and began to talk to him in a low voice. I tried to listen but I couldn't hear anything. I looked over to the blonde again. His eyes are in a constant glare he honestly looks more like a villian than a hero. "Hey! You got a staring problem or something!?" I lightly jumped at his remark. "Bakugou please refrain from being rude to you fellow classmates!" So his name is Bakugou. I looked over and noticed that the boy was alone. He looked down at the ball and prepped for the throw. I hear Mr Aizawa let out a grunttled sigh. The boy began throwing his ball but then at the last second a large burst of energy came out and the ball went flying. "Mr. Aizawa... I'm still standing." He had such a bright smile and even Mr. Aizawa had a smile on his face. Then Bakugou then went into a blind rage after seeing the kids throw. He was restrained by Mr. Aizawa and I could feel the steam radiating off of him.

The exams went on and I looked and i saw that Midoriya was at the bottom. I tried to memorize as many names as I would but he took the scores down. "Also I lied about the last person getting expelled." I saw immediate shock go over Midoriya's face. A girl with black hair then began to say how obvious the lie was. I was quick to meet up with Midoriya. "Hey that was a really impressive throw." He looked back to me and started stuttering a bit. "O-oh thanks um I really dont have much control though." He then showed me his finger. That was wrapped and he told me he broke his finger. So his body isnt adjusted to his quirk. "Hey do you know that blonde kid? His name was Bakugou I think."

"Oh Kacchan? Yeah me and him are childhood friends believe it or not..." He didnt seem very convinced. I noticed he was holding a journal. "Hey what's that if you dont mind me asking." His eyes lit up and he quickly opened it. "Its my hero analysis notebook I've been writing In them since forever in order to become a better hero." Bingo.

"Wow really? That's so cool!" I gave him the brightest smile I could muster. "Do you mind If i read it sometime?" He immediately blushed and covered part of his face. "Um y-yeah anytime." I then began to head back home but before I did I introduced myself to him and he told me his full name. "It was nice to meet you Midoriya." He then started walking his way back home. Once I was walking for a good bit and was abousultly sure I was alone I raised up my jacket and discreetly snuck back into the league of villians hideout.

I slowly opened up the door and closed it behind me.

"IM BACK!"

[dismalest]

is this a rant ? idfk i guess its more me rambling. this isnt a callout to anyone, literally i dont care if u find bum cute or w/e, i think he can be cute. but i guess a more talk on how he is. for the most part.

i just want to make this so that i can get this off my chest. as much as you may love bum, as much as he seems cute to you--- he is not entirely this uwu innocent baby. he is a literal stalker, he has so many restraining orders against him. he has stolen, and broken into peoples homes. he is the kind of guy who would genuinely sleep in your closet at night without you knowing. he doesn’t care if you feel uncomfortable by it, because has literally no concept of how most people would feel if he did such things outside of his impulsiveness to follow these people all day. he will try and learn everything he can about you and just be a straight pervert. yes, he does have times where he actually is aware and feels bad for infatuating but thats usually after he’d get caught ??? 

im also guilty of this, but i am trying to make it apparent he is not supposed to be someone likable. he’s literally considered ugly half the time in ks LOL. that and he has poor hygiene, he wears baggy smelly clothes, is literal skin and bones. bum literally not a conventionally attractive man in korean beauty standards. he has no real concept of love outside of that oh if i feel this fuzzy feeling when i see someone attractive i am now going to be completely obsessed with them and do everything i can to feel their love without approaching them because i dont want to get hurt. which is. very twisted logic. 

idk, bum really had a shit life and deserved to at least get some kind of help, but didn’t. but it still doesnt excuse him being a very, toxic person in himself ? that being said i do really wanna explore his darker toxic traits more, but also want to keep from making anyone uncomfortable. ks is always something i loved indulging in as ive never had muses as complex and unique as bum ? i guess ?

i just want to make sure everyone is comfortable but also remind everyone he isn’t this good person, he literally refused to tell the police anything about sangwoo, he was an accomplice, he killed someone. 

anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk i hope this doesnt come off as like. me calling anyone out bc no everyone has been so lovely to me, this is more me rambling bc i have no where to put this LOL

[kuvvydraws]

Just found your fic and its so great! Are the other Archangels going to find out about Gabe loving a human anytime soon? I know technically he doesnt have to answer to anyone in person due to being so high ranked/in charge of Earth operations, but surly he’s reporting something to them and not just the allmighty? Im also glad to see the husbands have reader back in their life, but they (at least Crowley) dont seem like they would be all that happy with reader dating Gabe.

Heyaaa, thank you so much for your kind words

The other fellas from Heaven are indeed going to show up (Sandalphon will be the first one to do it), but not anytime soon. In the fic, as long as Gabriel answers to God, he’s good to go.

Also, since he thinks his love is the standardization of love Heaven likes to project, in Gabriel’s mind is kind of a given (?) that he feels that way, thus, nothing out of the ordinary to report upstairs. Of course, he’s going to lose his shit when he sees Sandalphon, and that’s going to be a whole thing.

The husbands are here to stay! Their relationship with Reader is quite strange, but eager? Aziraphale is crazy about Crowley being shown love that doesn’t come from him, and he likes Reader very much -the fact that Gabriel somehow also comes in the package confuses him to no end, but as long as they stay safe he’s not going to complain.

Crowley, on the other hand, is a bundle of anxiety and pstd, and knows the experiences of falling, and being a demon in general and their almost death because of the Armageddidn’t, so he’s constantly looking for a source of danger, and that makes him jumpy and distrusting. He really doesn’t like Gabriel being around. But if he hasn’t done anything, Aziraphale doesn’t sense a bad thing and neither does he, and Reader is alright...

I see you guys want them dating already, but there’s a long way until they reach that point. So far, Gabriel is far too focused in the world around him and not the people, and Reader is horny beyond measure but knows how to restrain herself. Together, they’re just a pair of idiot whose focus is everywhere but where it should actually be 🤦🏼‍♀️

[thelifetimechannel]

JAKE: Hello there ms kanaya! KANAYA: Hello KANAYA: Jake Right JAKE: Thatd be me! The one and only! JAKE: Or the one and only now haha. JAKE: So uh... weve not had a chance to talk yet. JAKE: Cool chainsaws? KANAYA: Thanks KANAYA: I Had A Lot Of Time To Alchemize More And Better Chainsaws During My First Session KANAYA: It Was A Good Way To Be Passive Aggressive I Think JAKE: If you displayed them on your wall itd make for one hell of a first impression. Imagine being like the dad in the movies whos sitting on the porch polishing his shotgun when his daughters new boyfriend comes over. JAKE: Though ive never heard of anyone displaying chainsaws in the first place... KANAYA: I Will Install Several Pedestals For That Exact Purpose With Tasteful Backlighting KANAYA: They Are Probably Too Heavy To Hang On Most Walls I Wouldnt Want To Cause An Accident JAKE: I say go for it! I think it sounds like the bees pajamas. KANAYA: I Dont Know About The Fashion Predilections Of Insects But Alright KANAYA: I Dont Think Youll Need To Display Weapons Provocatively To Intimidate Potential Suitors If Reports Of Your Recent Activities Are To Be Believed KANAYA: Our Hope Hero Styled Himself Formidable But I See Now He Barely Scratched The Surface Of The Aspects Capabilities KANAYA: Most Of Which I Accidentally Awoke In Him Anyway KANAYA: Which Is A Lesson To Never Be Facetious If Youre Not Willing To Put Up Your Dukes About It So To Speak JAKE: Yeah i learned that the hard way. JAKE: Sometimes you really do just need to tell your problems to fuck off! Whether or not you actually punch them in the face. KANAYA: I Am One Of An Elite Few Who Has Not Faced Off Against An "Evil Clone" Yet KANAYA: Im Almost Disappointed JAKE: Maybe some day? KANAYA: One Day I Enter My Hall Of Chainsaws Only To See One Pedestal Is Empty KANAYA: I Look Down The Hallway And See An Ominous Shadow Advancing KANAYA: The Shadow KANAYA: Its Me JAKE: Like youll get your own version of venom or manbat or something whos your vampire nature run amok! JAKE: ...i did hear correctly right that youre a vampire? KANAYA: Our Term Is Rainbow Drinker But The Idea Is The Same KANAYA: Im Trying To Reform JAKE: Aha. A vegetarian vam- er, rainbow drinker? KANAYA: Vegetables Are Pretty Great KANAYA: Ive Lived On Donations But The Whole Thing Is Kind Of Ridiculous KANAYA: The Sort Of Arrangement That Looks Intriguing And Romantic In Storybooks But In Real Life Is Kind Of A Pain In The Neck JAKE: Literally! KANAYA: I Walked Into That One Didnt I KANAYA: I Was Hoping We Could Edge Gingerly Around That Obvious Pitfall But Instead We Are Charging In At Full Speed JAKE: You made a dive for the window but alas that spotless pane was stronger than anticipated. KANAYA: Im Used To It KANAYA: The Individuals I Traveled With Would Leave No Conversational Stone Unturned Without Wresting Every Wriggling Wordplay Grub From Its Snug Cocoon JAKE: You were with dave and rose right? KANAYA: Yes KANAYA: And Karkat And Terezi KANAYA: And The Clown JAKE: I cant speak for your fellow aliens but for your human companions i daresay it runs in their family. JAKE: Roxy can do incredible things to typos so watch your spelling around her. KANAYA: Spelling Is An Important Part Of Our Brand On Alternia But Ill Watch My Step JAKE: I mean alien typing quirks is a concept im familiar with thanks to the cherubs. Im more talking about bungling the spelling of the words themselves. KANAYA: Understood KANAYA: If There Are Genetic Similarities Between That Group Does That Mean You Take After Those Dreaming On Prospit KANAYA: I Havent Interacted Much With John But I Did Help Guide Jade Through Her Breeding Session KANAYA: That May Not Be Long Enough To Establish True Closeness But Its My Best Frame Of Reference JAKE: As a matter of fact i do. JAKE: ...though the only time ive seen the planet with my own eyes was a few hours ago and i had higher priorities than enjoying the sights. JAKE: Like not leaving my soul flapping in the wind or beating the snot out of the maniac who stole its original getup. KANAYA: Ill Try To Draw Independent Conclusions Based On Your Behavior Rather Than Trying To Match You Up To Any Of Your Ancestors Or Descendants Then KANAYA: Im Not Used To Meeting This Many People KANAYA: Or Any People KANAYA: Fives Been A Crowd JAKE: A feeling i know very very well... JAKE: I mean i seem to remember you were there when we all came across each other in the dreambubbles! KANAYA: In The Dreambubbles KANAYA: ... KANAYA: You Were The One There When We Met The Empresss Previous Form KANAYA: The One Who KANAYA: Uh KANAYA: Attempted To Defeat Her Ghost In A Bout Of Fisticuffs JAKE: Yes. JAKE: That. JAKE: Haha... man that was embarassing in hindsight. KANAYA: If It Makes Any Difference She Was So Addled By The Revelation Of Her Tyrannical Supremacy I Dont Think She Noticed JAKE: Possibly. KANAYA: Actually It Provided Good Conversational Fodder KANAYA: Any Topic Becomes Stale Given Enough Sweeps To Mull It Over So New Stimulation Was Welcome KANAYA: When Dave And Rose Were Together She Frequently Tried To Draw Him Into Speculation About Your Characters KANAYA: He Never Liked To Engage For Some Reason JAKE: That was the first time id been around that many people in my life! JAKE: So i guess that added pressure to impress in a sense. KANAYA: I Grew Up Alone On An Oasis KANAYA: The First Time I Ran Into Crowds Was During This Game JAKE: Likewise! Except it was an island not an oasis. JAKE: That seems to be a trend doesnt it? KANAYA: Jade Told Me Something Similar KANAYA: Maybe Its Easier To Leave The World Behind Without A Second Thought If You Had Fewer Ties To It JAKE: I couldnt agree with you more though its sort of sad when you stop and think about it. JAKE: The game seems to take a lot of lonely chaps doesnt it? JAKE: Or... maybe it sets them up that way. KANAYA: Believe Me As Someone Charged With The Creation Of Life In Our New World The Prospect Weighs On Me KANAYA: Enough To Take Rose Up On An Offer Most Would Consider Suicidal KANAYA: But Then Most Of Her Schemes Are JAKE: O: JAKE: What is it rose is plotting? KANAYA: Oh Hasnt She Gotten To You Yet KANAYA: She Will KANAYA: Especially With Your Capabilities KANAYA: Im Not Clear On The Details Yet But Im Sure Those Will Come In Eventually KANAYA: Probably In The Heat Of The Moment If Our Other Adventures Are Any Indication KANAYA: Mostly It Involves Defying The Status Quo KANAYA: Which Is What Almost Everything She Has Done Since Ive Met Her Boils Down To JAKE: I mean she did help us get calliope back so if theres something she needs me to do id be happy to help lend a hand! KANAYA: I Believe Shes Intending To Bring It Up To The Group Once Weve Finished This Round Of Discussions KANAYA: So Youll Hear About It Then JAKE: Oh boy more mysterious plots. Look i may be a guy whos always eager for the next adventure or whatever but id like to propose a motion that we at least get a siesta first. JAKE: Three super over the top throwdowns in the space of a few hours tuckers a guy out! KANAYA: I Will Back You Up On That KANAYA: If We Bundle Her Up Well Enough She Will Be Unable To Escape And Will Be Forced To Give In To Relaxation JAKE: My grandma used to do that when i was a wee tyke and didnt want to go down for naps. KANAYA: Good Then Youre Familiar With The Technique JAKE: We just need a person three to four times her size and itll be a snap! JAKE: Oh hey jade can handle that. KANAYA: Now That I Have Restored Her First Guardian Abilities I Will Ask That Her First Action Be Restraining Rose For Her Own Good Before She Hurts Herself JAKE: Sounds like a smart idea but given what ive heard of her im not about to volunteer to be the first in her sights. KANAYA: Would Deaths Incurred Be Heroic KANAYA: Im New To These Rules JAKE: Im... not sure. JAKE: Perhaps its best not to chance it. KANAYA: Hopefully We Can Talk Her Into Taking A Short Break JAKE: Surely even a god tier has to take a load off every now and again. JAKE: Unless rose just runs on anarchic fervor and dreams. KANAYA: I Wouldnt Put It Past Her JAKE: Well calm her down and then help her out with her next revolution.

[tumblunni]

How do I write an autistic villain without demonizing autism by accident? ;-;

I’m not really sure why you’re messaging this to me. I’m really sorry but I’m not an expert on like.. political stuff about autism stereotyping, just because I’m autistic. And it depends on which country you live in, I know that america has a far more visible sort of cultural presence for stereotypes, due to the whole Autism $peaks controversies. I dont live in america and I’m not super smart or anything, so yeah this is a disclaimer that this is just my opinion and you should probably research answers given by other people too. And maybe ask people about the specific circumstances of what you’re writing, like the context of the setting of the story and what the villain is like, etc. I’d be happy to chat to you about that if you need help! (but again, im no expert, lol)

ANYWAY!

My opinion on the subject is that having an autistic villain is perfectly fine, as long as you’re not villainizing autism. Like...* Don’t make the autism the reason theyre a villain.* Don’t make people scared of them because of the autism, rather than because they’re a villain.* Don’t treat their autistic traits as scary or inherantly villainous.* Don’t make anyone insult them for their autism and act like its justified because they’re evil.

And similarly its bad form to do any of that stuff in regard to any sort of minority really. An example that always bugged me is how Excellus from Fire Emblem Awakening is scary and evil because he’s a murderous monster, yet everyone in the game constantly insults him for the fact he acts ambiguously gay/transgender/effeminate. Like, there’s way too many jokes about people finding him ‘disgusting’ because of some random thing he can’t change, like a sexuality, race or mental illness which plenty of non-evil people have too! It also lessens his impact as a villain because the characters barely even address the actual villainous things he does, and he doesnt seem to have any motive at all. They just ride on the whole ‘the audience will find him gross’ thing as a crutch and forgot to bother writing a good villain.

Oh, and your concerns are indeed valid, yo! Sometimes it is important to think about the context you created a character in, even if you didnt intentionally create any negative messages within your writing.It’s just that the case where a character will be seen as villainizing [minority trait] for being a villain... that’s kind of only in a very specific circumstance? its just that this specific circumstance is very very common in mass media nowadays.It’s ‘The Smurfette Principle’.If you only have one character of a minority in your cast, its easy for an uninformed audience to pick up messages that you’re saying ALL members of that minority are the same as them.If you only have one autistic character and he’s the villain, then you might accidentally be villainizing him. In a world where autistic characters being villainized for their autism is already very common, people could just assume you made them autistic for the same reason all those other writers did- because they think it’s ‘scary’. It feeds the stereotype even if you didn’t conciously intend it that way.

So a very very easy way to fix this problem is just to add multiple characters of a minority into your story, filling various roles from villain to hero to helpful npc. or anything you can think of!

Another good quick fix is to have your villain be autistic, but portray their autistic traits as sympathetic/relateable/a humanizing aspect of them. Not just portraying it as something neutral that doesnt make them scary, but going out of your way to add some scenes showing how they’re just like anybody else. Or even making it one of their redeeming traits!It doesn’t have to outright be something like ‘yo being autistic makes me inherantly good and childlike’, which is a stereotype all to itself, lol. But you could show them experiencing predjudice from another character, in a way that makes the audience sympathise. Honestly having a character attack them for being autistic instead of being a villain would be a good way to do this, as long as that character is actually shown as being wrong for what they’re doing. Or simply showing the villain having common autistic traits, facing common problems, doing common everyday things... that can be enough to portray autism positively. Have them shown doing this stuff outside of the situation of them being villainous. It makes them feel more human and less of an abstract symbol of evil. And because these small glimpses of normality are lightening the mood, they become seen as a positive aspect!

KIND OF AN OFFTOPIC TANGEANT SORRYJust my personal experience as an autistic kid experiencing this story... I personally headcanoned Cyrus from pokemon as autistic. Not because he’s ‘scary and emotionless’, but because his backstory was relateable to me as an autistic person. It’s said that his parents were emotionally abusive, and that he had nobody to turn to because everyone thought he was ‘a creepy kid’. And he was able to find solace by obsessing over repairing machines in his bedroom, and apparantly has trouble understanding people because they can’t be fixed as easily. Stuff like maths and science are kind of a stereotypical Special Interest for autistic children to be given in fiction, I guess because it makes you seem more intelligent when you obsess about that instead of video games, norse mythology, or collecting tiny novelty spoons from around the world XD (Yeah i was a weird kid.)So yeah sorry I went a little offtopic there, but the point is that it might have been by accident instead of intention but that villain has a lot of traits that read as autistic. And when i first played Diamond and Pearl I actually disliked him a lot because of that, I felt like they were villainizing someone who seemed relateable and potentially redeemable. I mean, he seemed pretty depressed too! Give that man some therapy! But when I played Platinum and got to learn his backstory I started to feel like the writers actually did want us to feel sympathetic to him, because of how all those ‘scary’ traits were presented so sympathetically. Like.. the backstory isn’t that he became evil because he was an autistic kid who did creepy things like obsess about machinery and suck at social contact. No, he became a villain because he was abused by his parents, him being ‘weird’ is just intended to make it clear here that he didnt deserve it. It makes him pitiable, it makes him relateable, it makes you feel so much more frustrated that nobody listened to him and saved him from that hell, and nobody even seems to remember him fondly, just because he was ‘weird’. And hell, even his ‘emotion is evil’ philosophy seems very relateable to me as an autistic child. It seems like he learned to seclude himself to avoid angering his parents. That’s the impression I got from his final scene in Platinum, where he finally acts angry at you for beating him, then gets angry at himself for expressing emotion and forces himself to go back to how he usually talks. I get a bit pissed off whenever I see fans of the series claim he actually IS emotionless, lol! This scene made it clear to me that this is just a guy who WISHES he was emotionless, somehow seeing it as the only way to be free of pain. Someone who struggles to deal with his own emotions, or feels like he’s disgusting when he expresses them. And this is VERY relateable specifically to an autistic kid who suffered from an abusive parent! “Quiet Hands” is a kind of common concept that autistic kids might experience, that’s the name for a popular ‘parenting technique’ that really fucks people up. Focusing on making your kid never ‘act autistic’, rather than actually helping them understand things. ‘Quiet Hands’ is specifically about slapping or smacking your kid whenever they show stimming behaviour. (Hand flapping being a common way this symptom can manifest.) We’re taught never to be too loud, and to always always have to restrain ourselves to avoid embarassing our parents. We have to try and learn how to act like ‘normal people’ and become scared of harmless parts of our own brain just because theyre ‘embarassing’, leading to even worse emotional problems as an adult. i mean seriously how is it logical to tell a kid who has troubles with social interaction that they shouldnt even practise it?? Plus its a huge mess to teach these kids to do way more emotional labour than neurotypical kids are expected to do, and then treat them like they’re below average intelligence for not being able to do twice as much as everyone else...

ANYWAY! That’s a thinG! Sorry I went rambling off there about how a particular fictional character touched my heart, lol!I just kinda wish he could be canonically autistic, or if I had similar canonically autistic characters to relate to, instead. So i think having more autistic villains can’t be bad, we’re so badly in need of more autistic characters in general! And villains have a unique perspective of being able to hit our emotions the hardest. I think its easier to cry over someone who has a sad backstory of how they became evil, compared to anything else!So yeah what I was trying to say before I went offtopic is that if the backstory is ‘became evil because autism’, then people will complain. But if the backstory is ‘became evil because someone mistreated them because autism’ then that’s a good way to make people sympathise with autism. Aaaaand I’m bad at explaining this, because autism XD Well, i mean, my personal symptoms and lack of diagnosis til I was an adult means that I’m still working on learning how to communicate correctly, I don’t mean every autistic person writes terrible tl;dr advice posts that degrade into pokemon XDOh man i feel embarassed now, you asked me such a polite question and I didnt know how to answer it very well...I just hope maybe I inspired you to go out and do more research, rather than putting you off with my nonsense!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 17th February 2019

We have a new #1, and a very busy week before the BRITs. Let’s get on with it.

Top 10

As I said, there’s a new #1 hit today on the UK Singles Chart – for its first week on both the #1 spot and the chart overall (Yup, it is a debut), it’s “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” by Ariana Grande, becoming her 18th Top 40 hit and fifth #1 (Second to debut at the spot this year). This is because of her incredibly successful thank u, next album, which was the most-streamed album of all time for a female artist, and is currently occupying all top three spots on the Billboard Hot 100 in America. Now that’s impressive, although it did sell a bit less than I thought at more than 300k+... also the album sucked, it was a strong four at best. I’ll talk more about it later.

This means that Ariana Grande has blocked herself at #1, in fact has pushed herself off, as “7 rings” is down a spot to number-two.

Surprisingly, Lewis Capaldi enters the top three with “Someone You Loved”, up six spots to number-three. The album’s out soon so expect this to hit the top.

Sam Smith and Normani���s “Dancing with a Stranger” is down one space to number-four.

At number-five is where Mabel stays since last week, with “Don’t Call Me Up”.

Calvin Harris and Rag’n’Bone Man’s “Giant” is down two spaces to number-six.

Also down one space to number-seven is “Wow.” by Post Malone.

Now we have our second top 10 debut by Ariana Grande, “needy”, also from the album thank u, next. It’s at number-eight, and is Grande’s 19th Top 40 hit and 12th Top 10 hit. We’ll talk more about it later.

Unfortunately due to Grande and Capaldi, two good songs are barely hanging on at the end of the top 10. Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus’ “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” is down one space to number-nine.

Billie Eilish’s “bury a friend” is also down three spaces to #10, rounding off our top 10.

Climbers

Well, there’s more than I expected to be on this week specifically, but there’s not all too many. “Going Bad” by Meek Mill and Drake is up five spots to #13, probably because of the video, while possibly due to awards season, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s “Shallow” is also up five spots to #21, “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi is up 14 spaces to #26. Then we have recent debuts like “Swervin” by A Boogie wit da Hoodie featuring 6ix9ine up seven spots to #27, “a lot” by 21 Savage featuring J. Cole up seven spots to #29 and “i’m so tired...” by LAUV and Troye Sivan up six spaces to #33, all of which I’m rooting for.

Fallers

I expected a LOT of these due to the sheer amount of new arrivals (There’s seven), and I mean, eh, we got some, mostly due to streaming cuts though. After a couple weeks, the UK Singles Chart makes the importance of streaming in a song’s chart placement lessen, if that makes sense, and this has happened to “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max down nine spaces to #11, Post Malone and Swae Lee’s Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse cut “Sunflower” down 13 spaces to #23, and potentially “Without Me” by Halsey down 11 spots to #28, this week. Otherwise, well, we have the fortunate five-space fall for “Undecided” by Chris Brown to #25, and falls for The Weeknd and Gesaffelstein with “Lost in the Fire” down 11 spaces to #35, as well as Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign’s “Nights Like This” down eight spots to #38. I’m almost sad that song didn’t drop 15 spaces so I could make one of those awful quips about Ty Dolla $ign serving 15 years in prison for cocaine possession.

Dropouts

Streaming cuts also hurt “Close to Me” by Ellie Goulding, Diplo and Swae Lee, out from #27 (Peaking at #17), while “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa is out from #38 (Peaking at #1) – about time. Oh, I might as well say that whilst “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande did drop out from #28 (Peaking at #1), it’s not because it’s less popular now, it’s because that there are at least three more popular songs from the thank u, next album, and that’s all the UK Singles Chart allows at once. This is a good rule because it prevents album bombs, but it means the chart is less accurate in actually showing what people are listening to. I bet that song comes back next week anyway. Oh, and there’s more drop-outs: We have “Leave Me Alone” by Flipp Dinero out from #38 (Peaking at #30), “Saturday Nights” by Khalid out from #35 (Peaking at #31) and “18HUNNA” by Headie One and Dave out from #32 (Peaking at #6). These are all premature, so expect these come back, or at least one of them. Fredo’s “All I Ever Wanted” featuring Dave is out from #15 (Peaking at #15) after the album’s hype died down, whilst streaming cuts have pushed both “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra out from #23 (Peaking at #8) and “ZEZE” by Kodak Black featuring Offset and Travis Scott out from #21 (Peaking at #7) off the chart.

Returning Entries

The only returning entry this week is due to the tragic death of rapper Cadet at 25, whose passing has caused his song with Deno Driz, “Advice”, to return at #36. Rest in peace. Now, on a lighter note, here are our returning entries:

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Thotiana” – Blueface

Hell yeah, Blueface, baby. Okay, so you know Blueface, don’t even say you don’t – you’re a filthy liar if so, because he has been all over the Internet due to viral videos of him rapping, because he doesn’t tend to rap conventionally, and he often has funny one-liners. There are purposeful off-beat moments throughout his songs, especially “Deadlocs”, but it’s mostly just inspiration from people like E-40 who would rap in a different way when they came across a beat that fit their unorthodox flow. Anyways, despite his most on-beat song to date, “Bleed It”, being an obvious contender for breakout hit, it seems like “Thotiana” has got the most traction, and hence, here it is. It’s been in the top 40 in the US for a couple weeks, and has got remixes from Desiigner, YG and even Cardi B (Who, by the way, absolutely kills it with an outrageous and hilarious verse, which I unfortunately can’t repeat any lines from because Tumblr might flag me with an adult content restriction – yeah, they’re that nasty). Despite that, it seems to be that the original version is the one that landed in the top 40. It’s obviously his first hit, and, to be honest, I love it to death. It’s barely two minutes and only consists of gliding pianos and smooth keys under a West Coast beat (With some banging percussion), as well as a slightly shrill synth, yet it feels so full, probably because of Blueface and all his ad-libs, including the iconic “Yeah, aight”. The hook is insanely catchy and beyond the meme, Blueface’s flow is great, somewhat complex at points and borders on spoken word in his verse, with so many references of what he says being “on the gang” that you’d think he has a verbal tic. This probably isn’t his funniest or most memorable song but it is a damn great one. Oh, but there’s also this:

Ain’t no runnin’, Thotiana, you gon’ take these damn strokes

Uh, yeah, well, um... Yikes, okay, I’m just going to leave it there. Great song, check it out. Check out the Cardi B remix though, it’s even better.

#37 – “Breathe” – CamelPhat and Cristoph featuring Jem Cooke

Damn, CamelPhat, I love these guys. Every song they’ve released that hit the charts has been some of the best EDM I’ve heard come out of the UK electronic scene in years, and they know how to make a fun, catchy dance song feel cinematic and in the case of songs like “Cola” with Elderbrook, almost avant-garde.  A lot of UK dance by more obscure names has hit the charts last year, and impressed me as well, especially Loud Luxury, so I’m excited to see what CamelPhat have got up their sleeves this time for their third top 40 hit, and the first for Cristoph and Jem Cooke.

Yeah, so, this feels oddly 90s at the start, with those nice warm synths, then the indie-pop singer of the week comes in with her raspy voice covered in reverb, with pretty much no build-up before we get to a deep bassline and finger-snaps come in, almost like a sped-up Chicago house beat. The beat increases in intensity with a higher pitched bass as the chorus comes in but there’s not really a drop, just a continuation of the instrumental, because it still feels restrained and isolated, despite the theatricality of the whole ordeal, and that really fits the title because it’s an anxious song, and it takes a damn long while for that tension release to come in. Unlike “breathin” by Ariana Grande from last year, that was also about anxiety and self-help, this isn’t repetitive to a fault, rather while Jem Cooke yells at herself that she needs her to breathe again, the beat is almost like a train pushing down the tracks and the finale climax when her vocals echo, “Again, again, again, again”, is the train hitting her and killing her. Grande’s song was a pump-up anthem but this is just a pure burst of self-frustration hurled at the listener, and while it’s nowhere near as good as “Panic Room” in expressing panic, isolation and anxiety (Yeah, it is kind of a retread), this is still pretty great.

#34 – “Who Do You Love” – The Chainsmokers featuring 5 Seconds of Summer

Oh, these seven guys again. Look, I like enough of both of these artists’ songs to give them a pass, but a collaborative single between the two is just a mediocrity sandwich. It’s not going to be anything interesting or new or even worthwhile, it’s just going to be a two-dude EDM duo producing for one dude called Luke or something with four other dudes (Who supposedly play instruments on any of their singles – yeah, right). This is the Chainsmokers’ ninth top 40 single in the UK and 5 Seconds of Summer’s ninth as well, and it kind of sucks. What a surprise. We start off promising with distorted piano, a deep 808 bass and what sounds like a high-pitched, siren-like guitar, with Luke crooning, until... it has an acoustic breakdown in which Luke has too many vocal effects put onto him for it to work, and he sounds too fast, like a lot of these EDM guys make people sound like... until, that weak drop with an unfitting build-up. It just sounds like all five seconds saying “Blam-blam, hoopty-doopty, doo-doo” in unison over some cloudy synths and an ugly bass wobble. I know that’s the point, but this song is supposed to be taken seriously, and I don’t think any of the seven dudes involved noticed that at any point. Chainsmokers, guys, you’ll never top “Everybody Hates Me” (Note that their best song isn’t supposed to be taken seriously... or at least I hope not). Blech, I hope this goes away, this really is not worth any staying power.

#30 – “Just You and I” – Tom Walker

Both this and his other song, “Leave a Light On”, were featured in advertisements, boosting their place on the charts. This one has an album attached to it. That should tell you all you need to know about boring singer-songwriter, Tom Walker, trying to get on that “Genuine white guitarist man” money that Rag’n’Bone Man and Ed Sheeran currently store in the safe, although unlike those two, he’s more electronic and more plastic. He’s a rip-off? Yeah. Is he an industry plant? I mean, I don’t like that term, but it sure seems like it. If not, he’s just marketed perfectly. Anyway, this song is his second top 40 hit and some fake acoustic guitar and fake handclaps complement Tom Walker’s slightly nasal and... mildly urban-Irish (???) voice and the piano... and yeah, no, it doesn’t exist. I hear this song and nothing witty is produced, there’s nothing of interest in my brain, I feel like my ears have just had a long string of nothing twisted through them. The “Drop” is just a chorus, this time, although it still feels like a drop because Walker isn’t saying anything of interest. Oh, yeah, and the two parts of the chorus feel really jankily attached, it’s like two halves of a chorus put together. Next.

#16 – “Talk” – Khalid and Disclosure

Oh, hey, a great song by two amazing artists, that’s good to see. So, this is R&B singer Khalid’s tenth UK Top 40 hit and Disclosure’s sixth, and it’s funky, smooth and fun as hell. It starts with a synth that is ripped straight from the 80s, then some keys come in and a clap, until Khalid starts singing with that sultry voice, although it’s in a higher-pitched and more emotive falsetto this time, with a slightly off-kilter bass when partnered with the synths, almost reminding me of future bass. Khalid sounds absolutely fantastic over this beautiful instrumental, with all the extra touches like the drum pattern finishing off with a repeated snare, kick and bass hit at the end of the chorus as a climax, the extra synth melodies added throughout the chorus that give the song so much more “Oomph” and groove to it. The song is joyful, danceable and I don’t care about what the lyrics say at all, but since I clearly don’t have all that much to say about the song other than “This is gorgeous and amazing and brilliant”, I might as well say that the subject matter may be unfitting, because it’s about having a talk about where the relationship is going, which isn’t necessarily as smooth, cute and glamorous as the song could paint it out to be, but there definitely is that off-kilter and quirky vibe to it that does add that sense of panic, despite how mostly chilled it is. That works well, actually. Yeah, check this out because this is the best song either of these guys have put out. If this has longevity in the US, it’s a contender for the top of my best list, because I doubt anything better will come along. Perhaps “bury a friend” and “a lot” could end up there? Who knows? It’s shaping up to be a pretty good year, though, so we’ll see.

#8 – “needy” – Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande finally finds her sound after years and four albums of having the inability to be cohesive or unique, years and years of having a wasted voice due to cluttered, messy and generic instrumentals provided to her by producers who don’t know what they’re doing, and... her albums still suck. Well, her fifth album is a disappointment, yes, and it’s also incredibly mediocre. It lacks a lot of substance, is inconsistent (It either has too much polish or not enough), has a few irritating instrumentals like “bloodline”, as well as once again, it has Grande’s great voice being put to the side due to light-weight trap beats like “7 rings”, for which Grande is forced to lose all of her natural charisma in order to fit on. There, that’s what I think of the album. Now, “needy” is not one of the worst on the album, but it is bad, and you can tell that right off the jump with its over-simplistic, toy-box melody that starts it off, and gets irritating quick, with not enough drowning it out. I like the pre-chorus, it’s pretty cool, but the finger-snaps are fake and pointless, with the borderline doo-wop vocals in the background adding nothing but volume. Someone tell Ariana Grande that her “Yuh” ad-libs should never be used again, please. They worked in “God is a woman”, but that’s the only time they worked, and will ever work. The subject matter is decent here, but I don’t think the beat fits it – because it doesn’t have a beat, really, there’s barely any percussion, and then it has an abrupt, pointless orchestral outro. Yeah, you can tell this album was finished in two weeks. It has a lot of moments like that.

#1 – “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” – Ariana Grande

Fitting title. Okay, so what’s the need for build-up, am I right? When it works, over-whelming the listener with the beat immediately crashing in is great. That’s when it has build-up, it never works when it’s just the song starting with bass and percussion immediately, without much reason. No, it doesn’t make sense in the context of the album either, because the song before it fades out. Anyway, so over a weak, discount Playboi Carti type beat with the flute (???) mixed so low that it essentially doesn’t exist, Grande raps with a rather concerning accent considering the blackfishing controversy, biting freaking Quadeca’s flow (I know - Out of all people?), with again, those cringeworthy ad-libs placed in empty spaces. Then it cuts to 16-bit chiptune pianos that aren’t used throughout the song, just in this section, for the pre-chorus, it just feels kind of worthless to have this here, it’s like it’s part of another song they spliced in (A better song, may I add). Oh, and that chorus is sickeningly annoying. I don’t care about the lyricism here as much as I should (Because it is pretty douchey, at least on the surface), but she sounds nasal with that elongated syllable melody that makes me just coil. I don’t like the backing vocals or echoes, either, sorry for the nitpicking but they feel like quick edits just to fill in empty space, especially that male “Hey” (or “Care”, or “Yeah”, I can’t tell), it’s added abruptly and cuts the beat out for no reason. The bridge wouldn’t be bad without that incessant and constant percussion pounding through it. I shouldn’t be this negative, Grande’s performance is okay, I guess, but, damn, this is awful. It doesn’t develop or even end properly, it feels like a bonus track on the standard version – because, yes, somehow this is what they chose as a fitting climax to the record. What a waste of studio time, and what a bad #1. Listen, UK, I didn’t like “7 rings” either, but at least it wasn’t this.

Conclusion

Man, I feel bad for doing so but Ariana Grande gets Worst of the Week for “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”, and screw it, Dishonourable Mention for “needy”. Nothing else is all that bad, so the Chainsmokers get away scot-free here, with Honourable Mention being tied and going to both Blueface for “Thotiana” and CamelPhat, Cristoph and Jem Cooke for “Breathe”. Best of the Week should be pretty obvious, but yeah, it’s going to Khalid and Disclosure for “Talk”. See you next week.

[adambstingus]

Every Halloween, I Have A Story I Like To Tell

I liked Ben, I really did. I mean, he was a nice guy. We had some fun times together in college, messing around the dorm, going to parties, all the dumb shit that college guys do. He was cool and all, but he was a little pretentious. Well, I guess the word he used was artistic. He thought he was real smart, spent a lot of time trying to prove it to everyone. He had his own blog developed to film critiques not the big ones, though. Just little indie productions because nothing else was worth his time. When he got like that, he could be pretty insufferable.

Perhaps the most annoying thing that he did was performance art.

Now, I dont wanna be the guy who says that all performance art is dumb. But yeah, no, all performance art is dumb. Oh, look, youre on display painting a picture of Jesus from your own urine, how original and edgy! Maybe Im a little jaded, but it always seemed so contrived to me. Unfortunately, Ben really loved it. He thought there was something beautiful in art that was physically living and he devoted an embarrassing amount of time to it.

Anyway, I hung out with Ben a few times after college, but we mostly just met up to do some heavy drinking and maybe hit a strip club or two. He considered THAT performance art as well, which was just fine with me, it gave me an excuse to waste some ones. Since we didnt hang out very often, I had a bad feeling when he contacted me about a month before last Halloween.

He called me up at about seven in the morning on a Saturday, which is too early to even consider waking up, in my opinion. I answered in a daze and he started running his mouth like crazy, as though afraid that, if he didnt get it all out at once, he never would.

Mike, hey, Mikey, listen, buddy, I need your help, okay? Okay, okay, Ive got this idea for a performance and, well, its going to be , you know? So good! Its going down on Halloween. Can you come help? Look, Ill even pay you, man. Fifty dollars. So how bout it?

Now, Ive never cared much about Halloween one way or the other, and Im a pretty easy guy. Fifty dollars to probably just sit there and run a fog machine or some bullshit? For the right price, I could even pretend that I wanted to be there. Besides, what else are friends for?

A few days later, he gave me the details. To be honest, I was a little shocked when he sent the email. I know that performance art is intended to be edgy and can sometimes get a little dangerous, but this seemed downright negligent.

Mike:

Thanks for agreeing to do this for me! Ive talked to a few other people, but they werent really comfortable with it, for reasons youll probably be able to figure out. Of course, I understand if you want to back out, but I think you are probably the most reliable person I know. Its really not that big of a deal, Im sure youll agree.

As Im sure youve noticed, vampires have become very prominent in the media as of late. I say vampires because they are beginning to deviate so wildly from the traditional myths that they resemble forest fairies more than anything else. Altruistic? Sparkly? Whiny? Give me a break. We need more Dracula! We need more Carmilla! We need more death, destruction, and blood!

My performance will center on the theme of rebirthing the vampire. For the vampire to be reborn, he must first be buried. To turn peoples attentions back to the myths of old, I will be doing just that: I will be burying the vampire.

I have a group of viewers signed up already to participate in the performance, so you dont need to worry about that. Im going to plant a series of vampire-themed clues around town for them to follow. The clues should be pretty simple, and it will probably take no more than an hour to an hour-and-a-half for them to find me.

Here comes the somewhat controversial part. Essentially, for this performance to have any semblance of meaning, I need to be buried alive. Dont worry, its perfectly safe: I have a buddy from back home who is building me a coffin with a hole in the top. Ill be fixing it with a pipe that will stick an inch or two above the ground. That way, I wont run out of air. Ill also have a few necessities in the coffin in case something happens: food, water, and a flashlight.

Once they arrive at my grave which will be completely vampirized they will be provided with an array of shovels and will bring me back to life, a reincarnation of the true mythological history of vampires.

Here is where you come in. I need you to bury me. In addition, I need you to be my safety net: if they cant find me, if something goes wrong, if I become sick, I need you to be the one to get me out or call the police, if necessary. Ill also need you to decorate my grave, make it really creepy dont worry, Ill send you some blueprints.

I know this is a little stressful and it may take some time for you to decide, but, rest assured, this is a completely safe project. Theres no danger of suffocation and the coffin is sturdy, so its very unlikely that it will collapse. I really just need you there for support and the actual hard work of burying me.

What do you say? Id even be willing to up your pay to a hundred dollars, if thats what you need.

Let me know!

RIP,

Ben

I stared at my screen for a few minutes, completely dumbfounded.

Once I cut through all the bullshit about art and vampires and rebirth, what it came down to was death.

This guy actually wanted me to almost kill him.

I mean, sure, it probably WAS safe. But my mind went over the plan slowly. What if I couldnt get him out in time? One shovel and a pit of dirt wouldnt be a fast job. Furthermore, what if something happened to me?

Before making a decision, I sent him another email asking if he was really sure he was up for this. Of course he knew, he said. And then he said something that would always stick with me.

Art must be a little dangerous, my friend, for it to be real.

A month later, I found myself standing at the foot of a grave. It was six feet deep and perfectly rectangular. Sitting at the bottom was a tapered coffin covered with black lacquer, a white skull painted on the top. In the eye of the skull was a hole just big enough for the PVC pipe. Stenciled underneath was a line from Dracula: Denn die Todten reiten schnell.

I stood there like an idiot, waiting for Ben to show up.

In the end, Id decided to go along with his stupid gig. Ben was a stubborn bastard, and if I didnt help him, someone else would. At least, thats the justification I gave myself. But the real reason was that, deep inside my heart, his words were still echoing.

Id ended up doing a little more work than I had intended. For one, I had to place his stupid clues around the city. It wasnt hard work, but it took some time to get them all in the proper places. Luckily for Ben, they were pretty obvious clues. There was no need to worry that his participants would be unable to find him.

Ben had set up the grave and the coffin a few days prior to Halloween. It was out in the woods just on the outskirts of town, no chance of it being disturbed. Id tried to talk him out of burying it the whole six feet down.

If something happens and I need to get you out fast, what will I do? Cant you put it closer to the surface?

Ben had just shaken his head in exasperation. You just dont get it, do you? It has to be done right. Remember what I told you.

So I shrugged and let him mess around with whatever dumbassery would get him off.

I was just beginning to wonder if I should have brought more beer this promised to be a long night when Ben showed up.

I had to restrain my laughter when I saw his getup. A cheap Dracula costume from Wal-mart had never looked so pathetic, especially when topped off with those cheap plastic fangs. Hed greased his hair back and painted on a widows peak.

I couldnt resist. Wow, seriously, dude?

He gave me a stern look. Its a comment on the commercialization of vampires and horror as we know it today. He fished around in his pocket and pulled out a walkie talkie. Here, take one. The range isnt very far, but my cell phone wont work that far underground. Youll have to stay nearby. Let me know if youre going out of range.

I shrugged and took it. Okay, but you brought your cell just in case, right?

Nah, what good will it do if it doesnt work?

This guys batshit insane, I thought. But he handed me the hundred dollars and, suddenly, it didnt seem to matter anymore.

I helped him into the coffin and shut the lid. He seemed pretty calm if it were me, I knew Id be having a panic attack. I fit the PVC pipe into the hole. It slid in perfectly snug. I climbed out of the coffin and grabbed my shovel, taking one last look at the shiny black peeking out from the dirt.

With a resigned shrug, I started to shovel in the dirt. Okay, well, he asked for this, I thought.

It took almost a full hour to get all the dirt piled in. The PVC pipe was just barely visible over the grave. I piled the earth around it to hide it as well as I could. Then, I set up the rest of the grave: a hideously gothic headstone made of Styrofoam, and cheap Wal-mart flowers. Once it was finally finished, I sat back against a tree and waited.

There was an awful lot of waiting to be done.

Three hours later, his participants still hadnt come.

Hed buzzed in on the walkie talkie a few times, asking if theyd shown up. I continually answered in the negative, wondering how long hed be willing to keep up this charade. He must be getting worried, I thought, staring at my watch. It was already 10 pm and not a soul to be seen.

Hey, Mike? Something must have happened, I dont think theyre coming. Can you get me out of here? Bens voice crackled and faded in and out of the static fuzz. I took another swig of my beer and heaved a sigh.

Of course they werent coming. They were frantically searching for the last clue. My hand crept into my pocket as I felt it folded there, the creases poking at the soft flesh of my palm.

Mike? Are you there? Did you go out of range?

I turned the walkie talkie off. I didnt need it anymore, anyway. Carefully, I picked up a handful of disturbed earth from the top of the makeshift grave. I poured it down the pipe and listened.

I heard the muffled exclamation, the series of expletives. I thought I could hear a thumping sound he must be hitting the top of the coffin. I smiled a little to myself as I poured some more dirt in through the pipe.

Bens struggles got louder and I felt a certain heat rising up in me. Oh, I knew it could be good, but I didnt know it could be good. This was incredible. This was perfect. This was .

Eventually, I grew bored of shoving the earth down into the coffin. I could hear Bens screaming and sobbing reverberating up the pipe. I yanked a handkerchief out of my back pocket and stuffed it inside. I made sure to plug it up good and tight.

It would only be a matter of time, now. Assuming he could regulate his breathing, he could possibly have a few hours. But I knew he was panicking. And that would simply serve to shorten his time.

The pounding grew weaker as I finished my beer. Once I was certain there was no saving him, I went to finish my work.

Ben was right everything really did go off without a hitch. I dont know what I was so worried about.

Id gone to find his lost sheep, the wayward participants who were scrambling in frustration for the last clue. I scolded them for making us wait so long, acted the part of the reluctant friend indulging his lunatic companion. I took them out to the grave. It was now past midnight.

They sat hushed as I gave the stupid speech that Ben had prepared for me. Everything seemed normal Id made sure to stow the rag before anyone could see it.

Friends, foes, and everyone in between. Tonight we gather to resurrect the ancient horror that has plagued mankind for centuries. Its tale, once a gruesome epic of blood and seduction, has become nothing more than commercialized fodder as society has aged. Now, the time has come for the phoenix to burn and rise again. So, too, shall the blood-soaked visage of the vampire! My voice resonated throughout the woods, and the morons in attendance clapped as they all reached for their shovels.

We dug him up in about half an hour. It was much faster work with his host of suckers. It was good that we reached the coffin quickly, because I could barely contain my excitement.

Two of the men opened the coffin and screamed. The women leaned in over the grave to peek as well, full of expectancy. There was something dreadful about the scene, to be sure.

Bens face had gone gray, sprayed over with a few specs of dirt. His hands were bloody, his fingernails pried off. Deep scratches decorated the top of the lid. The men who had opened his tomb dragged him out in a panic, unsure if this was part of the performance or not. A few moments of silent listening at his chest produced no heartbeat. The proclamation was definitive: he was dead.

They screamed. They called the police. They alternatively looked at his body and shielded themselves from its horror, enraptured yet struggling.

They ignored me.

But that was fine. It was fine because they were admiring my work, the work of the artist. Finally, I had been given this opportunity to prove my worth. Finally, I had found my sacrificial lamb. And it had been a rousing success. The heat raging in my body affirmed that much. I didnt even care if I was caught, so long as I could have this moment to hold for the rest of my life.

Ben was right. I should have known a man of principle never lies. And I owe him a debt of gratitude, for realizing the artist within me.

Art must be a little dangerous for it to be real.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/every-halloween-i-have-a-story-i-like-to-tell/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/172357360662

[samanthasroberts]

Every Halloween, I Have A Story I Like To Tell

I liked Ben, I really did. I mean, he was a nice guy. We had some fun times together in college, messing around the dorm, going to parties, all the dumb shit that college guys do. He was cool and all, but he was a little pretentious. Well, I guess the word he used was artistic. He thought he was real smart, spent a lot of time trying to prove it to everyone. He had his own blog developed to film critiques not the big ones, though. Just little indie productions because nothing else was worth his time. When he got like that, he could be pretty insufferable.

Perhaps the most annoying thing that he did was performance art.

Now, I dont wanna be the guy who says that all performance art is dumb. But yeah, no, all performance art is dumb. Oh, look, youre on display painting a picture of Jesus from your own urine, how original and edgy! Maybe Im a little jaded, but it always seemed so contrived to me. Unfortunately, Ben really loved it. He thought there was something beautiful in art that was physically living and he devoted an embarrassing amount of time to it.

Anyway, I hung out with Ben a few times after college, but we mostly just met up to do some heavy drinking and maybe hit a strip club or two. He considered THAT performance art as well, which was just fine with me, it gave me an excuse to waste some ones. Since we didnt hang out very often, I had a bad feeling when he contacted me about a month before last Halloween.

He called me up at about seven in the morning on a Saturday, which is too early to even consider waking up, in my opinion. I answered in a daze and he started running his mouth like crazy, as though afraid that, if he didnt get it all out at once, he never would.

Mike, hey, Mikey, listen, buddy, I need your help, okay? Okay, okay, Ive got this idea for a performance and, well, its going to be , you know? So good! Its going down on Halloween. Can you come help? Look, Ill even pay you, man. Fifty dollars. So how bout it?

Now, Ive never cared much about Halloween one way or the other, and Im a pretty easy guy. Fifty dollars to probably just sit there and run a fog machine or some bullshit? For the right price, I could even pretend that I wanted to be there. Besides, what else are friends for?

A few days later, he gave me the details. To be honest, I was a little shocked when he sent the email. I know that performance art is intended to be edgy and can sometimes get a little dangerous, but this seemed downright negligent.

Mike:

Thanks for agreeing to do this for me! Ive talked to a few other people, but they werent really comfortable with it, for reasons youll probably be able to figure out. Of course, I understand if you want to back out, but I think you are probably the most reliable person I know. Its really not that big of a deal, Im sure youll agree.

As Im sure youve noticed, vampires have become very prominent in the media as of late. I say vampires because they are beginning to deviate so wildly from the traditional myths that they resemble forest fairies more than anything else. Altruistic? Sparkly? Whiny? Give me a break. We need more Dracula! We need more Carmilla! We need more death, destruction, and blood!

My performance will center on the theme of rebirthing the vampire. For the vampire to be reborn, he must first be buried. To turn peoples attentions back to the myths of old, I will be doing just that: I will be burying the vampire.

I have a group of viewers signed up already to participate in the performance, so you dont need to worry about that. Im going to plant a series of vampire-themed clues around town for them to follow. The clues should be pretty simple, and it will probably take no more than an hour to an hour-and-a-half for them to find me.

Here comes the somewhat controversial part. Essentially, for this performance to have any semblance of meaning, I need to be buried alive. Dont worry, its perfectly safe: I have a buddy from back home who is building me a coffin with a hole in the top. Ill be fixing it with a pipe that will stick an inch or two above the ground. That way, I wont run out of air. Ill also have a few necessities in the coffin in case something happens: food, water, and a flashlight.

Once they arrive at my grave which will be completely vampirized they will be provided with an array of shovels and will bring me back to life, a reincarnation of the true mythological history of vampires.

Here is where you come in. I need you to bury me. In addition, I need you to be my safety net: if they cant find me, if something goes wrong, if I become sick, I need you to be the one to get me out or call the police, if necessary. Ill also need you to decorate my grave, make it really creepy dont worry, Ill send you some blueprints.

I know this is a little stressful and it may take some time for you to decide, but, rest assured, this is a completely safe project. Theres no danger of suffocation and the coffin is sturdy, so its very unlikely that it will collapse. I really just need you there for support and the actual hard work of burying me.

What do you say? Id even be willing to up your pay to a hundred dollars, if thats what you need.

Let me know!

RIP,

Ben

I stared at my screen for a few minutes, completely dumbfounded.

Once I cut through all the bullshit about art and vampires and rebirth, what it came down to was death.

This guy actually wanted me to almost kill him.

I mean, sure, it probably WAS safe. But my mind went over the plan slowly. What if I couldnt get him out in time? One shovel and a pit of dirt wouldnt be a fast job. Furthermore, what if something happened to me?

Before making a decision, I sent him another email asking if he was really sure he was up for this. Of course he knew, he said. And then he said something that would always stick with me.

Art must be a little dangerous, my friend, for it to be real.

A month later, I found myself standing at the foot of a grave. It was six feet deep and perfectly rectangular. Sitting at the bottom was a tapered coffin covered with black lacquer, a white skull painted on the top. In the eye of the skull was a hole just big enough for the PVC pipe. Stenciled underneath was a line from Dracula: Denn die Todten reiten schnell.

I stood there like an idiot, waiting for Ben to show up.

In the end, Id decided to go along with his stupid gig. Ben was a stubborn bastard, and if I didnt help him, someone else would. At least, thats the justification I gave myself. But the real reason was that, deep inside my heart, his words were still echoing.

Id ended up doing a little more work than I had intended. For one, I had to place his stupid clues around the city. It wasnt hard work, but it took some time to get them all in the proper places. Luckily for Ben, they were pretty obvious clues. There was no need to worry that his participants would be unable to find him.

Ben had set up the grave and the coffin a few days prior to Halloween. It was out in the woods just on the outskirts of town, no chance of it being disturbed. Id tried to talk him out of burying it the whole six feet down.

If something happens and I need to get you out fast, what will I do? Cant you put it closer to the surface?

Ben had just shaken his head in exasperation. You just dont get it, do you? It has to be done right. Remember what I told you.

So I shrugged and let him mess around with whatever dumbassery would get him off.

I was just beginning to wonder if I should have brought more beer this promised to be a long night when Ben showed up.

I had to restrain my laughter when I saw his getup. A cheap Dracula costume from Wal-mart had never looked so pathetic, especially when topped off with those cheap plastic fangs. Hed greased his hair back and painted on a widows peak.

I couldnt resist. Wow, seriously, dude?

He gave me a stern look. Its a comment on the commercialization of vampires and horror as we know it today. He fished around in his pocket and pulled out a walkie talkie. Here, take one. The range isnt very far, but my cell phone wont work that far underground. Youll have to stay nearby. Let me know if youre going out of range.

I shrugged and took it. Okay, but you brought your cell just in case, right?

Nah, what good will it do if it doesnt work?

This guys batshit insane, I thought. But he handed me the hundred dollars and, suddenly, it didnt seem to matter anymore.

I helped him into the coffin and shut the lid. He seemed pretty calm if it were me, I knew Id be having a panic attack. I fit the PVC pipe into the hole. It slid in perfectly snug. I climbed out of the coffin and grabbed my shovel, taking one last look at the shiny black peeking out from the dirt.

With a resigned shrug, I started to shovel in the dirt. Okay, well, he asked for this, I thought.

It took almost a full hour to get all the dirt piled in. The PVC pipe was just barely visible over the grave. I piled the earth around it to hide it as well as I could. Then, I set up the rest of the grave: a hideously gothic headstone made of Styrofoam, and cheap Wal-mart flowers. Once it was finally finished, I sat back against a tree and waited.

There was an awful lot of waiting to be done.

Three hours later, his participants still hadnt come.

Hed buzzed in on the walkie talkie a few times, asking if theyd shown up. I continually answered in the negative, wondering how long hed be willing to keep up this charade. He must be getting worried, I thought, staring at my watch. It was already 10 pm and not a soul to be seen.

Hey, Mike? Something must have happened, I dont think theyre coming. Can you get me out of here? Bens voice crackled and faded in and out of the static fuzz. I took another swig of my beer and heaved a sigh.

Of course they werent coming. They were frantically searching for the last clue. My hand crept into my pocket as I felt it folded there, the creases poking at the soft flesh of my palm.

Mike? Are you there? Did you go out of range?

I turned the walkie talkie off. I didnt need it anymore, anyway. Carefully, I picked up a handful of disturbed earth from the top of the makeshift grave. I poured it down the pipe and listened.

I heard the muffled exclamation, the series of expletives. I thought I could hear a thumping sound he must be hitting the top of the coffin. I smiled a little to myself as I poured some more dirt in through the pipe.

Bens struggles got louder and I felt a certain heat rising up in me. Oh, I knew it could be good, but I didnt know it could be good. This was incredible. This was perfect. This was .

Eventually, I grew bored of shoving the earth down into the coffin. I could hear Bens screaming and sobbing reverberating up the pipe. I yanked a handkerchief out of my back pocket and stuffed it inside. I made sure to plug it up good and tight.

It would only be a matter of time, now. Assuming he could regulate his breathing, he could possibly have a few hours. But I knew he was panicking. And that would simply serve to shorten his time.

The pounding grew weaker as I finished my beer. Once I was certain there was no saving him, I went to finish my work.

Ben was right everything really did go off without a hitch. I dont know what I was so worried about.

Id gone to find his lost sheep, the wayward participants who were scrambling in frustration for the last clue. I scolded them for making us wait so long, acted the part of the reluctant friend indulging his lunatic companion. I took them out to the grave. It was now past midnight.

They sat hushed as I gave the stupid speech that Ben had prepared for me. Everything seemed normal Id made sure to stow the rag before anyone could see it.

Friends, foes, and everyone in between. Tonight we gather to resurrect the ancient horror that has plagued mankind for centuries. Its tale, once a gruesome epic of blood and seduction, has become nothing more than commercialized fodder as society has aged. Now, the time has come for the phoenix to burn and rise again. So, too, shall the blood-soaked visage of the vampire! My voice resonated throughout the woods, and the morons in attendance clapped as they all reached for their shovels.

We dug him up in about half an hour. It was much faster work with his host of suckers. It was good that we reached the coffin quickly, because I could barely contain my excitement.

Two of the men opened the coffin and screamed. The women leaned in over the grave to peek as well, full of expectancy. There was something dreadful about the scene, to be sure.

Bens face had gone gray, sprayed over with a few specs of dirt. His hands were bloody, his fingernails pried off. Deep scratches decorated the top of the lid. The men who had opened his tomb dragged him out in a panic, unsure if this was part of the performance or not. A few moments of silent listening at his chest produced no heartbeat. The proclamation was definitive: he was dead.

They screamed. They called the police. They alternatively looked at his body and shielded themselves from its horror, enraptured yet struggling.

They ignored me.

But that was fine. It was fine because they were admiring my work, the work of the artist. Finally, I had been given this opportunity to prove my worth. Finally, I had found my sacrificial lamb. And it had been a rousing success. The heat raging in my body affirmed that much. I didnt even care if I was caught, so long as I could have this moment to hold for the rest of my life.

Ben was right. I should have known a man of principle never lies. And I owe him a debt of gratitude, for realizing the artist within me.

Art must be a little dangerous for it to be real.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/every-halloween-i-have-a-story-i-like-to-tell/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/03/28/every-halloween-i-have-a-story-i-like-to-tell/

[mildlysentientboots]

I've tried to slow down on the reports. Tried.