#i know i'm late-ish but everyone was posting their thoughts so i thought i should as well

[v3x-y0urs3lf]

Our life N&F Soft moments with Step 3 Tamarack and Qiu

For anyone wondering before they read, There's:

one (1) Tamarack headcanons

one (1) Tamarack (short) scenario

one (1) Qiu headcanons

one (1) Qiu (short) scenario

one (1) headcanon with BOTH Qiu and Tamarack

one (1) SHORT scenario with BOTH Qiu and Tamarack.

This is me trying to makeup for the fact I haven't posted in a while and I STILL don't have my boundaries/request list uploaded and ready yet (I SWEAR I ACCEPT REQUESTS.)

This is before step 3 has been published so I'm just going off my own headcanons and theories on the characters.

Also, Qiu uses They/Them in this post BECAUSE both them (and reader) are painting nails.

You should be able to read this as either platonic or romantic, I didn’t mention ‘dates’ or any genuine romance - So knock yourselves out while reading this.

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Braiding hair!!

Whether you're a friend or a lover, I think she'd allow those close with her to braid her hair or at least use her hair as an example when braiding it. No matter how hard you accidentally pull it or if you stuff up and end up having to do it again, she just chuckles and reminds you that patience is key and that 'slow and steady win the race'.

With Miss Tamarack Baumann, time almost stops. Whether you're deep in thought and trying to keep total concentration whilst braiding her orange strands of hair or if there's light chatter amongst the two of you, Tamarack doesn't mind. It's just like how her Omi always says, "Sometimes everyone needs 5 minutes."

Maybe you have long-ish hair too? Great! Tamarack (With your permission) will braid your hair after you finish with hers! She doesn't mind French Braids, Box braids, Dutch, Micro, Cornrow, She may need a bit of assistance to learn, but better late than never!

No matter how short your hair is or what texture your hair is, her fingers work her magic and it genuinely feels like a fairytale when Tamarack is able to produce some of the best braids you’ve ever SEEN.

Miss Tamarack is just so, so sweet and gentle about it all. The moment feels so tender, with her hands gently running through your hair, complete silence for a moment before she speaks in that soft and comforting tone you've practically memorized by this point.

"Ah, Sorry." You wince as you accidentally tug a little to harshly on Tamaracks hair, gently rubbing her scalp as to (hopefully) relieve some of the pain you may have accidentally caused. The only response you get is a soft chuckle being elicited from the girl in front of you. "Good lord, MC, I'm fine. You didn't pull that hard..." Tamarack smiled, barely looking over her shoulder to look at you as you unraveled her strands of hair and started again. The two of you had been at this for a bit now, about 15 minutes or so. You both had made plans to go to the knew crepe shop opened in town and offered to help Tamarack get ready.

Tamarack tilted her head slightly and made eye contact with you from the mirror at her vanity. "I'm not fragile, y'know?" Whilst Tamarack was soft, nurturing, soft-spoken, She was anything BUT fragile.

Tamarack Baumann? The same Tamarack Baumann who used to run around and hide in piles of leaves in the woods? The SAME Tamarack Baumann who didn't mind when batter or such got on her clothes when she was baking? The same Tamarack Baumann who would just say 'they're just clothes.' when doing arts and crafts? THAT Tamarack Baumann?

"I know." You could only whisper in a quiet tone as her soft eyes met yours. She gently turned around, taking your hands into hers with a sweet smile. She no longer had her braces from when she was 14, no longer had her overwhelming insecurities or big anxieties about the world. Tamarack was content and this was enough for her to be able to live her days without too much stress.

“I’m not made of glass. I don’t need you to treat me like I’m my Omi’s fine China.” Tamarack snickered. She couldn’t help but tease you over this. Tamarack was no longer the small child or young teen with terrible insecurities. She had grown into a fine young woman and was ready to live her own life.

Whether her relationship with you was romantic or platonic, she knew she’d want you to be with her every step of the way. After all, You were her first friend in Golden Grove, She’d hate for you to not be there until the end.

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Painting nails!!

I've just had this idea in my head for so long - Painting nails with each other.

Even if you aren't trans or don't follow Qiu's whole thing with 'Pronouns correspond with nail polish', Either you can paint their nails or they'll paint your nails- Or you can do your own nails while they do their nails. It's up to you!

For anyone who doesn’t have much experience with painting nails, Qiu might give you some tips or show an example or two, but after that? They’re just going to make you eye ball it. You may not have very good hand-eye coordination, You may have shaky hands or struggle to keep attention- That doesn’t matter to Qiu!

They might tease a bit, but if you’re truly bothered or embarrassed with it all then they’ll stop. Qiu just wants to spend some time with each other, a soft moment for the two of you to bond. They don’t want to lose you because of some insensitive comment.

If you really want as well, Qiu offers to paint your nails as well. (I’m pretty sure In-game Qiu always has black nail polish… but that’s okay.) They’ll let you choose the colour and they’ll begin with what looks like innate expertise.

Genuinely. Qiu looks like a BOSS with how focused they are for this entire moment.

“And the award for best nail-painter goes to…” Qiu starts, a smile on their face as you look up from their nails to see them. They had taken off their green coat, but left everything else on, their white jumper, navy pants, and had left their bag just beside them. “Not you.” Qiu ends with a Cheshire smirk.

You can’t help but groan and sigh softly at that, taking a break to let Qiu’s nails dry for a moment. You aren’t able to tell if you groaned because you were annoyed by Qiu’s comment.. or if you secretly knew that they were right. After barely a moment of looking down at their hands again, You easily could tell that they were right.

“I know.. I’m sorry.” You sigh again, putting the brush back into the nail polish and looking at the remnants of black nail polish on the edges of Qiu’s fingertips.

Always the observant one, Qiu looks at you and immediately notices your disappointment. The habits you made when you were upset or frustrated were crystal clear to them, even if anyone else couldn’t tell. “Hey, Hey. It’s alright. I was kidding.” They immediately backpedal, trying to avoid a total meltdown.

Qiu’s eyes scan the table for something they could do, looking at the bottle of nail polish again before taking the brush and painting one of your nails. Due to the quick reaction and lack of concentration, some of the polish got onto the edges of your skin as well.

By the looks of things, they hadn’t truly thought that through and just looked at you with a softer, genuine grin. “I’m not perfect either.. So let’s just be imperfect together, okay?”

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Having a picnic!!

After talking it over, the three of you had decided a picnic would be a great idea to spend your time before summer break ended and school started up again.

Tamarack had agreed to make some food, Qiu brought some drinks and a few games for you all to play, You just had to bring the blanket and pick a spot in the park.

Luckily for you all, the weather was great. The sun was shining, a few kids were playing around in the playground, there weren’t a few clouds in the sky but they just provided some nice shade, and it was surprisingly warm for an autumn’s day, not too cold but not scolding hot either. In Tamaracks words, ‘it’s just right.’

The day didn’t seem like it could get better by this point. Tamarack had made some delicious desserts in an adorable picnic basket and Qiu had brought some delicious tea and board games for you all to play. What could possibly go wrong?

You all had been sitting there, resting on the checkered picnic blanket you and your mom had in the closet for years now. She was glad the old thing was finally getting some use.

Tamarack had her braid you had been kind enough to help her do just a few hours ago, and Qiu still had the splotchy nail polish on their fingers you had helped with a few days ago.

The sun was shining, laughter and joy shared amongst the three of you, the food Tamarack had kindly decided to bake was absolutely delicious, Qiu’s tea being a perfect mix of sweet and bitter. It felt like nothin could go wrong in this situation.

.

..

…

Well, apparently the small clouds in the sky has deceived you all and decided at that very moment, the clouds had decided to rain down on the three of you and cause you all to practically sprint to the all-familiar restaurant, The Diner Table.

Yusuf had graciously let you three in, despite the fact you all were practically soaked from the rain. You were given a seat at the usual booth you all used to get throughout your childhoods of coming down here together either after school or after your after-school curriculums. Even after 8 years, The Diner Table still held that ‘comfortable’ feel you had gotten when you came in as a kid.

By now, most of the food had been rained on and the tea had metaphorically and literally been spilt before the three of you had arrived at the diner.

Tamarack and Qiu were sitting in the same row, all of you glancing at each other awkwardly to just silently communicate that that was all a total fail. Though, in reality, Tamarack was the one to speak up first.

“So… Uh, good thing we’re warm now, right?” Tamarack smiled optimistically, trying to find a ‘bright side’ to look at here.

“Sure, yeah. Getting rained on, food ruined and drink gone— Oh, but at least we’re warm!” Qiu said sarcastically, it had meant to be a joke to lighten the mood.. but it seemed to have just been a bit too soon for the three of you to joke about.

Was there really a bright side to look at here? The entire day felt ruined now just because no one managed to check the weather forecast! Nothing could possibly fix this situation—

“Could I get anything started for you three?” Yusuf’s calming and gentle voice cut through the jelly-thick atmosphere, causing you all to jump slightly at the suddenness.

You all shared a glance before coming to a collective realisation. It was never about having a ‘perfect picnic’— It wasn’t about having a picnic in general! You three had just wanted to have a good time with each other, and what better place for familiarity and fun times than The Diner Table?

With a collective smile and a silent nod, you three agreed this was no better place to have a good time. You turned to Yusuf, ready to order a meal and some food. The board games were just a little damp, but they were still playable if you all were gentle enough.

Maybe this wasn’t the picnic you three had in mind.

Maybe you were all a bit silly to not check the weather forecast before going out.

.. Or maybe you were all just destined to inevitably end up in the all-familiar diner one more time.

[gemini-stories]

remember me | j.wy x reader

synopsis: the years may have passed but he always remembered you. even when you didn't. pairing: wooyoung x fem!reader genre: idol!AU, friends to strangers to partners to lovers (?), smut (minors do not interact!!) warnings: idol wooyoung, idol reader, smut, face riding, cunnilingus, protected vaginal penetration (wrap it before you tap it), oral (female receiving), reader is bitchy, one sided pining, wooyoung is dumbly in love. if I miss anything pls let me know! word count: 7.6k ish a/n: tbh I wanted to get out of my comfort writing zone and decided to post my first fic here! this was supposed to be a one shot but it was getting too long for my liking, so maybe a part 2? anyways I'm open to any feedback and criticism so don't be shy to let me know and if you'd actually like to read the second part (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

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The first time Wooyoung saw you was at the Junior Local Dance Competition you both participated when you were both 10 years old. He was dancing for the first time in front of a public after he started dance lessons three months ago. He messed up the steps. He was so nervous that he forgot a step and after that the whole choreography was a mess. He was on the floor sulking, in a corner backstage, far from anyone. 

“I knew I'd find you here crying,” you said with a warm smile. 

Wooyoung raised his glance towards you.

“I’m not crying!” he said embarrassed, crimson blossoming on his cheeks. 

“Yet. You’re upset and in the crying corner.You were about to cry if i wouldn’t have come here.” 

“Crying corner?” he asked, looking at the pink ruffles of your dress.

“We all come to this corner after our first performance. Usually everyone’s first performance is bad. Like really bad. So everyone who wants to cry and wants to do so alone comes here.”

He brought his knees to his chest and hid his face. “So I was really bad. Maybe I should quit before it’s too late.”

“Hey,” you lightly pushed his shoulder, your voice calm, “if we all were to quit, no one would come to this competition again. You should’ve seen me here the first time, I was a disaster,” you chuckled.

Wooyoung was emotionless. You seriously had to lighten him up somehow, otherwise he might mean what he is saying. You wished someone would have cheered you up when you were in his place four years ago. Now, you felt it was your duty to do it for someone else, so they wouldn’t go through a spiraling of self doubt at such a young age.

“Look, this was your first year, right?” you started cautiously. He slowly nodded his head and you took it as a sign to continue. “I bet next year you’ll even win the competition if you don’t give up now!”

“What?” he finally looked at you suspiciously.

“Practice every day and snatch the first place from me,” you said in the most serious way possible.

“How do you even know if you’ll win today?” he asked, laughing in your face. There it was.

“Well, I know I can win today, so you have to do it next year,” you grinned with a smile from ear to ear. “Pinky promise and all!” you extended your arm, fluttering your pinky finger.

Wooyoung looked at you puzzled. But why not, he thought. There was no guarantee you’d win today. So, he put his pinky into yours and you two sealed the promise with your thumbs.

“You can’t go back down now,” you said while getting up. “You have to win next year. Of course, you’ll have to beat me for that..but we made the promise, so work hard.”

Wooyoung was still as puzzled until you left. Does this mean he can’t give up now?

He got up and went to search for his parents in the audience. His parents waited for him with a sad smile, telling him he still did great and not to think about any mistake. He thought how you didn’t smile sadly at him. 

Then you came on stage. With your pink ruffle dress and glitter makeup. The audience clapped, wishing you good luck. It all went to silence and the music started flowing through the whole stage. And you started dancing. Wooyoung could only compare your dance to angels flying on the stage. You graciously moved on the song, smiling and lip-syncing to the song. 

You noticed him in the audience and you thought you should show him how confident you are. How confident he should be next time as well. You decided to improvise by getting closer to the edge of the stage, where he was sitting. You winked at him, sticking out your tongue and turned around to continue your choreography. The audience cheered.

Wooyoung was damn stunned. Did you just wink at him? Did anyone notice? He looked around but everyone seemed to think it was part of the dance. Maybe it actually was part of the dance. Your facial expressions were matching the mood of the song, which was very cheery. 

You finished your choreography with a courtesy and the whole public erupted in applause and cheers, while you went backstage.

You were right. You did win.

You fulfilled your side of the promise and now it was Wooyoung’s turn. He didn’t give up. He continued going to the dance classes. He thought about your performance every day. How confident and pretty you looked on stage, like the stage was your home. Like you were born to be on stage. He thought about how everyone in the audience was looking in awe at you, admiring the way you moved and clapping and cheering and smiling. And he thought that’s exactly how he wants them to look at him.

So he went to class after class after class for the whole year. He thought about his promise every day, motivating him to go forward. Quickly enough, it was time for the Junior Local Dance Competition. He was confident in his performance this year. His dance teacher complimented him so many times in the past months, even telling his parents how quickly he made such a progress. He was confident. Confident that he could beat you? Not so much. But he still had a promise to fulfill. Just you wait!

But he ended up being the one to wait. On the podium. With the first place medal in his hand. Alone. Because you were not there. He won but you were not there to see it. You didn’t come to that year's competition. Neither the next year’s. When he won again. Or the next, when once again he won.  

He thought he’ll never see you again. He thought about your performance that day. About how happy everyone was watching you. About how happy he was watching you.

Until you were dancing on the stage in front of him again. At the Regional Competition he attended when he was 14. You were dancing on a rendition of a popular pop song. Smiling and lip-syncing, while the audience was clapping and cheering for you. As he once remembered. Of course he’d recognize you and your smile, because you didn’t change at all. In reality, you changed a lot. You were taller, with shorter hair than he remembered, and not wearing the pink ruffled dress. 

You won. He came in second. He didn’t lose the competitions in a long time. But he was not upset because it was you. You won. You were there.

He wondered if you remembered him. You didn’t. You congratulated him for his performance telling him it was amazing after the awards were given and everyone went backstage. You didn’t bring up your promise and neither did him. Because immediately after you went to a group of girls, laughing and jumping in happiness. He looked at you and your group longingly. It’s been four years, of course you wouldn’t remember him and the stupid promise you both made when you were 10. 

He looked at you taking pictures with the girls. He recognised one of the girls. She was also attending the local competition every year and she briefly attended his classes as well, where she asked for his Instagram. She thought Wooyoung was a great dancer. She also thought he was very cute. That night he wondered if he could find your social media, maybe she would be following you. The girl had hundreds in her following list on Instagram and he didn’t know your name and neither did he see your picture in any tiny icon. 

He was almost going to give up when that girl posted an update. A picture from the regionals. And you were in the picture. Smiling so wide that your eyes closed and holding up the first place medal. The universe listened to his prayers. You were tagged in the picture. Jackpot!

He looked at your profile picture. Of course he was never going to find you, your picture was a cute bunny cartoon munching on a raspberry. Then he saw your name. He thought it was such a pretty name, suiting you perfectly. Your profile was not private so he spent the rest of the night looking at your pictures. That’s how he found out why you haven’t been attending the local competition in the last few years - you moved to a neighbouring city. Still in the same region, hence why you were at the regionals. You still attended the competitions in your city. And won every time. You were on a winning strike for sure! He wondered if you’re still as confident. Your posts were pictures from everywhere and everything you were doing. Dance practices, competitions, hanging out with friends, pretty sunsets and bunnies. 

He really wanted to follow you but he was scared. What if you would recognize him now? And think that it was rude he didn’t recognize you!

After a few minutes and not that many thoughts, he made a new account, hiding his name and followed you. 

He was so happy. Not only did he see you today. But he found your name. He was thinking that maybe, just maybe if he wins next year you’d recognise him and remember him. 

You didn’t. The next year at the regionals, you won again. And you didn’t recognise him. Again. He looked from afar. Again. 

After that year you also started to post pictures and videos from singing lessons. He guessed you were training now to be a singer as well. Your voice changed so much, from the tiny voice you had when you talked to him when you were 10 to your voice now at 16. You had a beautiful singing voice too. You were going to make a great artist.

The next year you didn’t show up at the regionals. That proved his theory you were probably a trainee now and didn’t have time to go to competitions anymore. 

He ended up winning. Once again you were not there to witness it.

But someone else was. They made him a proposition he couldn’t say no to. And that’s how he became a trainee as well.

Your last Instagram post was a picture of you with your eyes closed from smiling, captioned: “see you at my debut stage:)”.

You were going to debut.

At 18 you debuted in a trio with two other boys your age. Rhythm was your group's name. Very fitting, one could say. You all had great rhythm, were well synchronised, with powerful vocals, and energetic choreographies. You took the country by storm. The general public adored your group's music. The general public adored you. You and the boys. Your group was everywhere, interviews, radios, talk shows, music shows. And you were winning every time. As you once said.

You opened a new and official Instagram account and stopped posting on the old one. Wooyoung still followed your old one from his secret account. He started posting nature pictures with a tad bit of poetry in the captions. It was nothing too big, too deep, or too poetic. Just some of his thoughts that once in a while he felt the need to get out of his chest. He updated the profile picture to be his hand in a pinky promise stand. He thought it to be extremely fitting.

Wooyoung followed your every step, watching all the performances and interviews. He was so proud. He knew you’d be a star. You gave him courage and confidence once and you kept instilling it in him, in his trainee days and once he debuted as well. 

He debuted a few years later in an 8 members boy group - Ateez. They were gaining popularity fast, even though their music was in its own niche, with a unique concept. He was dying to be on the same stage as you. Maybe just maybe you’d recognise him. 

You never did.

“Y/N fucking mentioned us!” Hongjoong screamed entering the dance practice studio.

“Shut up!” San raised his eyebrows, his eyes almost bulging out of his sockets. He couldn’t believe it.

Wooyoung’s jaw dropped and he wasn’t able to close it yet.

Hongjoong held his phone up as proof. “Look!”

They all gathered around him, looking down at his phone. There you were, your smile too big for the small screen. It was a video from last night’s radio interview that Wooyoung didn’t have time to check yet. He couldn’t believe he didn’t see it first. He started smiling as soon as Hongjoong pressed play.

“So, Y/N, you always give amazing song recommendations. Any new music we should start listening to?” The radio host asked you.

You chuckled and Wooyoung was ecstatic waiting for your answer.

“I wouldn’t say new music, but these days I caught myself listening to Ateez a lot!”

The boys screamed. “OH MY GOD THAT’S US! IT’S US”

Wooyoung just kept smiling. That means you listened to him too. Maybe you even watched their music videos. Maybe even their performances. Maybe even..

“Ateez you say?” the host nudged you to continue, a little bit impressed as you usually wouldn’t recommend groups.

“Their songs really put me in a good mood, you know. And motivating. Also the lore behind their concept? It’s soooo good! I even caught myself watching fan theories and explanations so I can understand it, that’s how caught up I am,” you said laughing.

A general sound of gasping erupted in the room. Wooyoung was shocked. You definitely watched the music videos. He was more than curious to know what you were thinking of them.

“You know they are all very handsome, do you have a favourite between them?” such a sly question.

The room was silent, everyone expecting your answer. Wooyoung saw a tiny bit of blushing in your cheeks that went away in less than a millisecond. You were a pro at these interviews.

You licked your lips and answered, “You know I try to not show favouritism,” you giggled hiding your face, “but Hongjoong writes and produces a lot of their songs. I’d love to have a collaboration or something on a future song. I think it would turn out to be amazing!”

“Fuck.” Wooyoung muttered under his breath.

“No way!” Hongjoong exclaimed. “Did I hear right?”

“Bro,” Mingi patted his shoulder. “There’s no way. No way. She said your name. She wants to collaborate with you? For a song?”

“It’s nothing official though. It might never happen.” 

Hongjoong said, trying to stay calm, looking at Wooyoung, seeing how his shoulders deflated. Something he does when he’s on the verge of sulking. Hongjoong knew how much Wooyoung admired you. He never explicitly expressed it but it was obvious. He’d always listen to your group’s songs and your solo songs especially. He’d always smile fondly when you’d appear on TV, and he was always extra nervous when you would share the same stage. Wooyoung didn’t have to say anything, Hongjoong would notice. The same way he noticed now that your answer did bother him, more than either of them would expect.

What bothered Wooyoung even more was how a few weeks later you contacted their manager to go forward with a song collaboration. Your answer wasn’t just for the show. You really did want to collaborate with Hongjoong on a song.

Wooyoung was furious. But not with Hongjoong. he deserved the attention and this would be such an opportunity for him. He was furious with himself. Maybe if he went to you when you were 14 to say “hey, remember me?” he wouldn’t regret it so much. Like what even is he expecting now? For you to what? Name drop him in your interviews? He needed to get a grip.

“I don’t know, I feel like that part comes in too early, you know? Maybe we can add five beats before it to prolong the pre chorus just a bit?” you said scrunching your eyebrows.  

It was already your eighth time sitting in the studio with Hongjoong. You were surprised how well you two clicked. You didn’t lie in the interview when you said you were impressed by their songs. But you did always find it hard to work with new people. You were comfortable with your people, and the point of this new album was for you to get out of your comfort zone. That’s why you wanted to try something new. New sounds, new choreos, new videos. If all the collaborations were to go as smooth as with Hongjoong, the new album will be a piece of cake.

It was easy to talk with him and express your ideas. He was eager to listen and implement all your suggestions but was not afraid to implement bold decisions of his own either. You loved that.

“No, nevermind. It sounds weird as fuck. I don’t like it.” you sighed. “I’m sorry I know we changed this specific ten seconds a billion times today.”

“No sweat! That’s why we’re here. That’s why I’m here.”

There he is. Sweet Hongjoong. No matter how bitchy you are about the song he would help you fix it. 

“I’m sorry, I think I’m a bit in a slump today and that’s why I don’t like anything.”

“What’s bothering you today?” he asked while still looking at the screen.

You groaned loudly. “They are pressuring me to find a partner for the dance segment I want to perform for the end of the year awards.”

“Anyone on your mind?”

“Not one person,” you closed your eyes, leaning your head on the couch. “Anyone on yours?”

“Actually yes,” he said, turning in his chair.

At this you perked you head towards him. “Really? Who?”

“One of my team members. He’s fucking good.” Hongjoong smiled. 

“Hongjoong, you are the best thing that happened to me!” you beamed.

Hongjoong was so excited. He could finally make it up to Wooyoung. He avoided talking about his studio sessions with him around, although the others would pressure him A LOT. Asking him everything. He always kept everything brief. But many times it sounded like he had something to hide. Which he didn’t. He didn’t want to make Wooyoung upset, that was it. Hongjoong, like the others, would look at you as you were - their senior. With a lot of respect and admiration. But Wooyoung always looked at you with more, with pride and happiness. You definitely meant more for him than what he wanted to show. 

“Hey man,” Hongjoong entered Wooyoung’s room, finding him in bed on his phone, “great news!”

“What’s up?” Wooyoung asked, concentrating on his phone, playing a game.

“I might have booked you a dance segment at the end of the year award ceremony.”

“Cool.” Wooyoung said unimpressed, still focusing on his game. He trusted his leader’s decisions. If he told him he had to dance at the awards, he was going to dance.

“A dance segment with Y/N,” Hongjoong smiled. 

“What?” Wooyoung finally paused his game and looked at Hongjoong. “Absolutely not.” he shrugged as if it was the most expected answer.

“The fuck? Why not?” Hongjoong was flabbergasted. Why would he say no to such an opportunity?

“Our dancing styles don’t match,” he blinked. 

“You can’t be serious.”

“Deadly,” he said, returning to his game. His heart beating faster and faster. What the fuck is he doing?

“Well too late. It was already discussed and agreed between the higher ups. Everyone loved the idea.”

Wooyoung paused his game again. He was opening his mouth to protest but Hongjoong cut him off. “Y/N is waiting for you at 8 in the morning at her dance studio. I’ll share the location with you. Don’t be late!” and he left. Leaving behind a confused Wooyoung.

What just happened? 

He was going to see you. Talk with you. Dance with you. No. This was not supposed to happen. He convinced himself he had to see you from afar and that’s it. His heart was going crazy. How was he going to survive this?

He was late. Oh, so late. He couldn’t fall asleep last night. He was too nervous, too excited. He was thinking about you the whole night. He even looked at your old profile, something he didn’t do in a long time. And so he fell asleep. But it was too late because as he fell asleep, he had to wake up and so he slept through his alarm.

“I am so sorry!” he shouted the moment he barged through your dance studio.

You were on the floor, doing some warm up exercises. He was 47 minutes late! How disrespectful. You slowly got up while he hurriedly left his bag in a corner and ran to the middle of the room. He was gasping for air, definitely ran to get here. 

You stared up at him. He was a head taller than you but you were not going to feel smaller. You looked him up and down and went back to look in his eyes.

“What? Your coffee date with your girlfriend ended up later than you expected?” it was wrong for you to make assumptions and you knew it. But you were oh so angry! You hated hated people who were not keeping their promise.

Wooyoung choked on his words. He should’ve apologised. Said it won’t happen again. Instead he said: “I don’t have a girlfriend,” while keeping his eyes on yours.

“That’s your private life,” you blinked, “and I don’t care about it. I only care for you to be here on time. Dance. And leave. Hongjoong is a great guy, don’t disappoint him.”

Wooyoung raised his eyebrow. Indeed, Hongjoong is a great guy, but why would you say that? 

“Let’s not waste any more time and start,” you turned to reach for your tablet. 

Your dance was a beautiful choreography on a melodic hip-hop classic rendition. The choreographer did a fantastic job. You worked with him on previous projects and you really really wanted this number to be touched by his creative vision. 

The only downside… he was living in New Zealand. That never stopped you before. He used to send you videos of the choreographies and you’d send him videos of you dancing it and ask for feedback. It worked fantastic before and it will work fantastic now.

Or so you thought. The choreography was not too difficult. It was intricate with many details that you really loved focusing on. You used to learn the steps very fast, maybe in a couple of hours, but this time it turned out to be more intricate than you expected. 

The two of you spent more than half of your allocated time just analyzing it. Pressing the replay button over and over and over again. Changing the speed and trying to absorb everything to the smallest detail.

Both of you were extremely focused and everything seemed to go on the right path. You were confident this will turn out well even with the slightest hiccup in the morning.

You were wrong. 

The moment the two of you started to physically learn and count your steps, everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. 

Wooyoung’s body was not listening to him. He was too much in his head, nerves, guilt, stress, fear, of failure and disappointment, everything was just overwhelming him. He felt as if his body was separate from his mind. The two doing their own thing. And he was in the middle, trying to bring them together and failing miserably.

You, on the other hand, were frustrated. With yourself and with him. With his delay this morning that gave such a wrong impression on him. He is sloppy, careless and unreliable. That’s what you told yourself the whole morning while trying to watch the choreography video. It didn’t help that when you started actually dancing he was making such…stupid mistakes. Then you went completely spiraling. Why did Hongjoong recommend Wooyoung? It was obvious he had no idea what he was doing. Was he setting you to fail? Was that his plan? 

You literally had to slap yourself to stop thinking. Which startled Wooyoung from his self-destructive thoughts as well.

You grabbed your phone, quickly typed a message and resumed your practice in no time.

Around an hour later, your phone was blinking. A sign that you got a new message that was not silenced by your do not disturb status. That could only mean one person.

“Let’s take a break,” you said looking at your phone, “20..no 15 minutes should be more than enough.”

It was the first proper sentence, besides some counting, any of you spoke in hours. 

“Ok,” was all that he could say as you left the dance studio in seconds.

He didn’t know what to do. He would’ve liked to get some fresh air but he was not familiar with the building and had no idea how to get on the roof. He didn’t want to get lost or anything. He decided the best idea was to ask you next time.

He ended up just rewatching the dance video, mentally noting some moves. Then slowly practicing and watching himself in the mirror. He was doing great. Way better. As he usually was doing when learning a new dance. Why wasn’t he like this the whole morning?

15 minutes sharp later, you opened the door, stretching your back with your arms above your head. 

“Did you spend your whole break here dancing? Why didn’t you rest?” you stopped yourself, inhaling, then adding coldly. “You know what, it’s your time. You are responsible for it.” 

“I am really sorry I was late this morning.”

And so you continued your rest of the practice.

After Wooyoung returned to his dorm, took a shower, and laid in his bed, contemplating how miserable he felt right now, he thought there was no way you were not going to complain to Hongjoong about today. And he was going to return home and scold him so so much. And not in a good way.

He knew the best way to get over it was to dance. So, in his tiny room, he got up and continued practicing the steps. Tomorrow will be better.

It was not.

He was so tired from not sleeping the previous night and from a double dance practice yesterday. Of course he overslept.

He was late.

Only 10 minutes.

But he was late.

You were lowkey furious. Was he testing your patience? That must be it. Otherwise why would he be late on your second day of practice. After you already made such a big deal about it yesterday.

When Wooyoung opened the door, gasping for air and ready to apologise, you immediately cut him off.

“Don’t even. Let’s just start.”

Sloppy, careless and unreliable.

And so you continued your practice in the next few days. Wooyoung was dying inside. He disappointed you but you were so mean.

“Don’t you know how to raise your hand?”

“This is a six count not eight. Can you even count? ”

“Did you learn to dance yesterday?”

“People will start falling asleep.”

“Why are you like this?”

And so much worse.

Wooyoung would clench his jaw in anger and just swallow his words.

You were indeed mean. You knew that. You did have extremely mean dance teachers growing up. Which was very toxic and haunted you your whole life. Apparently it still did.

You did start making these comments out of pettiness because you were annoyed with him. But then you noticed he wasn’t replying back. In the beginning he would only apologise. Then you noticed how his jaw would clench, how his nostrils would flare, how he’d roll his eyes, how he would deeply sigh. He was getting annoyed. But, nevertheless, he was not making any mean comments back. You did want to get a reaction from him. See what he had to say.

Sloppy, careless and unreliable.

And spineless too?

Your phone blinked notifying you of a new message. And so you announced the 15 minutes daily break.

You left the practice room and went to the familiar dimly lit storage room.

The moment you closed the door behind you, you felt yourself being lifted up and placed on the drawer nearby.

Your lips immediately parted, sinking in the kiss. You loved Hajun’s kisses. They were always exactly what you needed when you were stressed and annoyed. Which was a lot these days.

He trailed kisses on your jaw and down on your neck, nibbling at the cusp between your neck and shoulder.

“How is your pretty boy today?”

You rolled your eyes.

“I don’t wanna talk about him,” you rolled your eyes, unbuttoning his pants.

“But that’s your favourite topic these days,” he said, playing with the waistband of your sweatpants. “Almost like foreplay.” He yanked your pants down to your ankle in a swift movement, placing deep kisses on your lips.

He quickly put a condom on, aligned in front of your entrance, and pushed himself inside with no warning.

You gasped and bit your lips to keep quiet.

“He’s just..driving me..crazy,” you breathed. 

“So sloppy.” 

Thrust. 

“So careless.”

Thrust.

“So unreliable.”

Thrust.

“So spineless.”

“Spineless?” he groaned, increasing his pace. “That’s new. What did he do?”

You rolled your eyes in unison with your hips. “It’s what he didn't do. No matter what I say, he only gets annoyed but doesn’t talk back.”

He put his hand under your shirt, caressing your bare torso, moving up towards your chest.

“Sounds like you want someone to put you in your place.” he cupped your breast, pinching your nipple in between two fingers. “Am I not good enough for that, love?” 

You met Hajun a few months before your debut. He was training with you briefly, until he realised he is not cut for the entertainment industry. He was not sad or anything, rather happy. Studied to enter a good med school and never regretted his decision. The two of you became close friends. Venting each other’s frustration. Until one day, you both figured out the best way to vent. A kiss here, a kiss there, and then you were fucking on his couch. No strings attached and ready to break this deal whenever one of you was over it. 

You were stressed through the roof because of your upcoming album. He was stressed through the roof because of the exam season. All this stress combined and you were bound to see each other often. And fuck often.

“Oh, please,” you moaned in his mouth, “you never knew how to put me in my place.”

After a week of practice, you and Wooyoung filmed your dance and sent it to the choreographer for feedback. He immediately video called the two of you to deliver his response.

Which was a disaster.

He said your chemistry was lacking big time. No synergy whatsoever. And that you basically looked like amateurs. 

“Look guys,” he continued on the screen, “I'm not trying to discourage you. I’ve seen this happening a lot. With people that never danced together. Or never met before dancing.”

Wooyoung stole a glance towards you. Your face was expressionless, carefully listening to the choreographer's points. 

“In order to make my dancers have a more natural chemistry, I ask them to do a different dance. Don’t worry, it’s really short. I reckon in two weeks you’ll master it and can get back to your original dance. Just go with it and stop fighting it.”

Once the call ended you immediately got a message with the video of the new choreography you were told to do.

The video started with a sultry melody. As for the choreography? It was very sexually suggestive. Your original dance had a lot of touching and caressing, so it made sense why you needed perfect chemistry for it to not look weird. But this new one? It was something you never did before. A lot of floor steps that were very intimate. And oh so suggestive. How were you gonna pull this off?

Wooyoung was panicking. He didn’t touch you like this before. And he wasn’t sure he was gonna be able to without his hand trembling.

“Ok, let’s start I guess.”

You avoided looking in his eyes for the first time. You felt a blush creeping on your cheeks and fought against it. You were a professional. This is nothing.

That night Wooyoung looked through your Instagram page. He didn’t get it. You used to be such a nice and sweet girl. And you still were as sweet. Just not with him. 

He wanted to check the comments of your last before debut picture (very stalkerish) when he finally did it. Instead of pressing the comment button, he pressed the heart.

“No, no, no”

He got up in panic and did the best thing he thought of doing. Revoked the heart. It’s only been a few seconds. The notifications for sure didn’t come through. Right? And even if it did, what are the chances you are still active on that account? Right?

You were. 

You loved scrolling on your old account. You barely interacted with anyone on it and that’s why the notification startled you. 

It was from a photography and poetry account. You never even noticed when this account followed you. 

The latest post was a picture of the sky through a cracked window from two days ago with the caption ‘your words are grazing my heart like broken glass does to my skin.’

You liked it in a heartbeat, then followed the account.

Wooyoung’s phone vibrated in his hand. He got the notification of you following his secret page from your old account.

“Shit.”

The new choreography had some tough moves. In which both of you needed to rely on your own strength but also on each others’. 

One of these steps was requiring you to be on your knees on the floor. Wooyoung to slide on his back through your legs. Grabbing your thighs and lifting you and himself, while carrying you on his shoulders, and then dropping you to his arms. 

It was definitely an uncomfortable move that you had to practice a lot. It was risky too. And it wasn’t even the worst. 

And so you did. With every touch and caress from Wooyoung burning above your skin.

The same way every snarky comment from your side burned in his mind.

Of course you couldn’t help yourself. You would get even more critical and sarcastic the more you would feel threatened. And heated. 

After you went on your break, Wooyoung decided he desperately needed air to cool down. Jesus it was only the first day you were trying the new dance and it was killing him. How could he help himself when his skin tasted yours like that. 

He listened to your directions about going on the terrace you once gave him. Your building was huge and he couldn’t believe the whole floor was for you and your group. He turned left and left again. He heard a loud thump right before turning right on the tiny hallway. A faint sound continued to be heard. He approached the door, wanting to make sure nothing wrong happened.

His hand stopped on the door handle when he heard an almost imperceptible moan. The moaning continued in unison with the faint thumping. Mystery solved. And his cue to get back to his objective.

Much needed air. He didn’t need to know people were having sex when he was barely trying to stop a boner himself.

Cold air was blowing over him on the small balcony terrace that was as secluded as you mentioned.

Wooyoung stayed there for what felt like just a minute or so, when another man also joined him on the balcony. 

They only glanced at each other to acknowledge each other’s presence. Men. The other man took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. Puffing slowly.

“I know it’s a myth but cigarettes after sex are still the best.”

Wow too much information, much?

At least Wooyoung knew that this guy was one of the people in the storage room. Not that he wanted to know that.

“So you’re the pretty boy, huh?”

“No?”

What was wrong with this guy?

“Look, there are only two people that ever come on this balcony and I sure as hell didn’t tell you about it.”

The realisation hit Wooyoung like a brick.

“Isn’t your break over?”

That motherfucker.

Wooyoung left Hajun before he could wipe his smug smirk with a punch.

Not that he could be mad that you were having sex. You were a consenting adult woman. But while on the clock? While training and practicing? How was that professional?

When he returned to the dance room you immediately rolled your eyes. The break was already over for a couple of minutes.

“Seriously what is your deal? You want to test my patience or what? Can’t you be on time once? This is so unbelievably unprofessional! We agreed to 15 minutes!”

“Seems that 15 minutes wasn’t enough for either of us,” he said barely a whisper trying to stay calm.

What did he just say? You were flabbergasted. Is he starting to finally talk back? What a horrible moment for that. And what even was that comment?

You decided to ignore it and just continue your practice from where it was left of.

Both of you were unprofessional. And both of you were blaming each other for it. You were blaming him for being such a pain in the ass and making you so frustrated, you couldn’t help but reach for Hajun. He was blaming you for being so mean and making him so nervous that he couldn’t function properly.

With every dance move, every touch he was exploding like fireworks. His shirt and sweatpants felt like paper. He was feeling every trail of your fingers on him as if you were following a gasoline path and igniting flames that were burning and consuming his being.

He was fine. He was fine. He was fine.

Just a tiny little boner.

Fuck.

He couldn’t ask for a break now. You were already pissed and he was sure you’d kill him (metaphorically or not) for daring to request to stop the practice so soon.

You were on fire too. Although making many mistakes, Wooyoung’s touch was so caressing every time. So soft. That you barely felt his contact through your shirt and sweatpants. As if feathers would gently kiss your skin, too afraid you may break.

You needed more.

He was laying down on his back. You were on top of him, trying to dance a new move that looked awfully much like dry humping him.

You are fine. Why are you so horny again? 

You are a professional. Which is why you continue rolling your hips. 

Dry humping is nothing. It’s driving you crazy. 

Not even when you feel him getting harder under you. You don’t want to stop. 

You are fine! You need to stop.

“Are you ok?” you ask.

“Huh?”

“You seem to have a small problem.” it was feeling anything but small. “Down there,” you deadpanned.

Wooyoung was mortified. How, why, and when. He was making sure he was subtly arranging himself in between moves when you were not looking.

You lowered yourself on your elbows, getting closer to his face, and staring into his eyes. 

Wooyoung immediately blushed, frozen in place. You could almost chuckle at his reaction. But you had to keep the appearances.

“Don’t worry, it’s a normal bodily reaction,” you whispered close enough for your noses to almost touch, “not many can resist.” you smirked.

You fucking smirked.

Wooyoung was so turned on he was certain he would’ve cummed in his pants if you wouldn’t have gotten off him and suggested to continue with a different move.

He was so embarrassed though. Not only he still had to deal with his boner. You were aware of it. And he was painfully aware you were. 

You were on your knees. For the move when he slides in between your legs. Until now, the easiest move and the least promiscuous. 

However, when he slid in between your legs this time, his head got stuck in your baggy sweatpants.

You couldn’t help but chuckle. Jesus fucking christ. You are mocking him again.

“So sorry. I think for this move i should take off the big pants. Don’t worry, I wear short leggings underneath.” you said winking.

Fucking winking. How much were you going to embarrass him today?

Your short gray leggings, more specifically booty short leggings, were thin and more or less you were wearing them as underwear. But Wooyoung didn’t need to know. It was your turn to mentally blush.

You were back on your knees and Wooyoung slid with no issues on the floor this time. Booty short leggings for the win!

“Wait, I want to check what I need to do with my left hand. I don’t want you fucking drop me.”

You bent over reaching for your tablet.

He could swear you were doing this on purpose. I mean how could you not, your crotch was not even 10 centimeters from his face. He was doing god’s work trying no to look. But he couldn’t help but notice the damp spot in between your legs. Which looked so goddamn delicious.

“Are you ok?” Wooyoung asked to which you didn’t pay much attention. “You seem to have a small problem.”

“What?” you asked, straightening yourself and looking down at him between your legs.

“Don’t worry, it’s a normal bodily reaction,” he whispered sultrily, getting closer to your core, “not many can resist.” He fucking smirked, making eye contact and immediately dragging his mouth over your damp spot. Payback time.

You stopped a gasp with your hand over your mouth.

Wooyoung continued licking your spot while maintaining eye contact. The look in his eyes being so different now, from the sloppy, careless, unreliable, spineless person from earlier.

You couldn’t believe you got so wet earlier. That he got you so wet. You admit he made you very aroused with that small dry humping session but that aroused? That you started to leak through your leggings? This will be the last time you don’t wear underwear!

With each lick you were getting wetter and wetter, and your leggings soaked with your arousal and his saliva, until the leggings became paper thin and you were feeling every flick of tongue.

Wooyoung was circling around your clit with lewd slurping sounds. 

The movement was making you crazy enough that you started gyrating over his tongue, making you want to moan. But you muffled the sounds with your hand over your mouth.

He was feeling so good.

Wooyoung grabbed your thighs, pulling them apart, which made you lower yourself on him even more. 

You could barely stand straight.

You were eaten out before, with no clothed barrier whatsoever. But like this, with your thin leggings sticking to your sensitive parts, soaking up your arousal and his saliva, with his tongue pushing harder and harder to make up for it? There was something about it that felt more sensual than any other oral session you received.

Wooyoung was enjoying this as much, if not even more, than you. Savouring every lick, every slurp, every drop. As if drinking sweet mead from the gods themselves. You were tasting as sweet as he ever dreamed. Not that he had dirty dreams about you. Or at least not that often. How could he not though? You were on his mind every day. And then you started to show the sexier version of you with the newer comebacks. And then he heard you moan on another dude’s dick in a storage room. How could he resist without imagining anything? With knowing how sweet you can sound. He wanted to hear you sound like that. Your sounds to be the anthem of his life. If only you could take that goddamn hand from your mouth and moan freely. 

You felt the familiar knot in your lower belly and clenched on nothing. You grabbed Wooyoung’s hair with your free hand to steady yourself. He gasped from the sudden pull of his hair. He didn’t expect it. You didn’t expect him to make such a delicious sound either. You wanted to hear more.

You continued rolling your hips with more confidence now, chasing your high. So close, so close. 

And then you exploded, feeling fireworks going off. You collapsed on your back on top of Wooyoung, gasping for air. What just happened?

Wooyoung swiftly got up and lowered himself on top of you. He was looking so hot with his face glistening from his sweat, saliva, and your arousal dripping on his chin. He licked his lips while watching you with dark eyes.

You couldn’t help but stare at his lips and tongue. Which just made you cum. 

“If you needed help, all you had to do was ask,” he grinned, a big shit-eating grin. The asshole.

You blushed the whole way home. You blushed the whole getting ready for bed routine. You blushed the whole time trying to fall asleep. You blushed the whole time scrolling on your phone trying to fall asleep. You blushed when you got a notification that your favourite poetry account just posted. You blushed looking at the picture - a steamed shower glass with a finger drawn heart. You blushed reading the caption - ‘your taste is the poison that kills me; your sounds are the hymn that bring me back to life.’ The universe was laughing in your face. part 2 | © 2024 gemini-stories All Rights Reserved.

[yooniesim]

So, I may be a day late, but I still want to make a little post for Simblr Gratitude Day 💜

To start off, my memory is pretty bad, so I just know I'm gonna miss tagging people... and honestly, there's way more people on here I'm grateful for than tumblr's limit of 50! So I'm starting out addressing everyone.

To everybody that likes or reblogs my posts, sends comments or asks, shares their sims with me, or uses my cc: I love you. Yes, you! I may be bad at answering back sometimes, but I cherish every interaction I get- a lot of the times they have me kicking my feet and giggling, or sometimes I'm barking and scaring my cat. Asks really make my day and even when I don't reply so fast, they warm my heart. Asks I've gotten on here have genuinely helped me in my dark times, and renewed my faith in this community as a whole, because some of you are just so freaking amazing and kind. Especially now with everything I've been going through, sims and being here has remained a comfort for me because of you all. Even if there's speed bumps from time to time, I truly believe there's more good here than bad, and y'all should be proud of yourselves and your capacity for endless kindness. Thank you!

Now, I'm going to address a few specific precious people I'm grateful for.

@wastelandwhisperer - Moon, my precious mom friend, I adore you. The joy, comfort, and hilarious memories you give me can't be understated. You deserve all the love and light in the world.

@neverheresims - God's eepiest soldier, what would I do without you? Thank you for always being genuine, reliable, and a true friend.

Vi - Thank you my sheriff, my paggro detector, my master of copypastas, my right hand catboy. Even though you're untraceable, I couldn't leave you out. I love you!

@divinedionym - Thanks for always being straight with me and taking NO shit. I truly admire you and your attitude, friend.

@dyoreos - We may not both be active at the same time anymore, but I still think of you, friend! You've always had my back and I'll always have yours.

@nucrests - I'm so grateful to be your friend, and every time you share your beautiful content and gorgeous sims with me, it really makes my day. I adore you.

@cinamun - You probably don't know this, but in certain times when I was feeling low, your comments and kindness really lifted my spirits and made me feel like I belong. You're a lovely person and deserve all the love you receive, friend.

@woosteru - You won't see this bc you're retired so I can be sappy as I want, so there!!! I adore you, your sweet personality, and your sense of humor that matches just right with mine. (Nobody tell them)

@superflare - Lulu, you're an incredibly creative and intelligent person. I can tell you're going to go far in life and do great for the world. Be proud of yourself, always!

@fiftymilehighclub - Thank you for always being yourself, Manda! You're such a hardworking person that's kind but firm with your opinions and what matters to you. You're amazing.

@nicatnite88 - Tay, you're someone that's always empathetic, understanding and kind, yet hilarious at the same time. I look up to you as a person and admire your skills as a parent.

@pluto-sims - What do I say about Eli? Despite being unfortunately bri*ish, you've exceeded expectations in all other areas as a friend. I genuinely appreciate your presence and kindness in my life.

@bloody-soda - As one of my longest and dearest mutuals, peachy, my love for you can't be understated! I think of you whenever I see cute meme pics lol and you're so lovely as a person.

@wubblesgonefishin - Beautiful wubs, you're such a wonderful person with so much love to give! My day brightens every time I speak with you and I'm so glad you're back.

@toastie-sim - Meg! One of my few brain cells, I don't know what I'd do without you! You're so helpful all the time and unbelievably patient. I appreciate you.

...Phewph. Now that that's o- wait. You thought I was done??? Nuh uh, the king of long ass texts posts is not done that fast. Here's some more beautiful people I'm grateful for and love seeing grace my dash 💜

@simandy @void-imp @therichantsim @adelarsims @marsosims @shysimblr @1-800-cuupid @xldkx @xiuminuwu @hexcodesims @cassymblr @lotusplum @rebelangelsims @denzellion @strawberrylattesims @anachrosims @cowplant-snacks @fierce-trait @simanin @ghostwoohoo @llama-head @aghilasims @janjumjam @jellyfish-tea @bbdoll @puppycheesecake @mwvwv-sims

[seven-rats-in-trenchcoat]

The way I headcanon time in FEH goes like this:

Inspired by THIS POST by @moe-broey, I thought I would share my thoughts:

Book One -

Takes about 6 months

Sharena is 15-16, Alfonse is 17-19 (no pressure to marry yet, so late teens makes sense), Anna is 21, and the summoner is somewhere in the middle

Veronica is 14 because I know kids around that age who act like her, Bruno is 20-21

Book Two -

Takes about 6 months,

Everyone has one year added to their age by the end

Fjorm is 18, Hrid and Gunnthra are 24-25, Ylgr is 6-7

Laevatein is 15, Laegjarn is 19

Book Three -

Canonically takes 2 weeks,

Eir is 17-18, little bit older than Sharena, Lif and Thrasir are however old Alfonse and Veronica are +10

Book Four -

Dream time is weird (3 days?)

We can assume at least a few months have passed since Book Three, since no one is mourning Gustav anymore

Peony is Sharena's age, Trianda is whatever that is + 3, Mirabilis is Sharena - 1, Plumeria is about the same as Triandra

Intermission One -

Ice and Fire!

Laegjarn is the same age as Fjorm now since she was dead for a year

Two year mark

Book Five -

Takes about 6 months again

Reginn is canonically around Sharena's age, so around 18-19 now

Otr is should be about 7 years older than her

Fafnir should be 10-15 years older than Otr (he had a wife and newborn while Otr was a tween/teen)

Eitri is immortal

Dagr and Nott give me around 21-25, and they are twins

Intermission Two -

During or right after Book Five, Life and Death happens

Eir has now ascended to Queen of the Dead and Living

Book Six -

Takes about 4 months

Bruno dies at age 25 ish

Letizia is about 24-26

Then she dies

Askr, Embla, Ash, and Elm are all immortal

Book Seven -

Due to time nonsense, takes about an hour linearly, 3-4 months normally

I'm not touching the magic snake lady's age

Intermission Three -

At some point around Book Seven, Nihility and Dream happens

Three year mark

TLDR:

Total Time passed: 3 ish years

Ages are as follows as of Book Seven (estimated):

Alfonse: 22

Sharena: 20

Anna: 25

Veronica: 17

Fjorm: 21

Hrid: 28

Gunnthra: 27

Ylgr: 10

Laevatein: 18

Laegjarn: 21

Eir: 21

Lif: 32

Thrasir: 27

Peony: 20

Triandra: 23

Mirabilis: 19

Plumeria: 23

Reginn: 20

Otr: 27

Fafnir: 37

Dagr + Nott: 25~

Conclusion: I have too much time on my hands, and Askr is probably cursed because holy cow that place can not catch a break

[monstrouslyobsessed]

…tumblr can you go and soak yourself in a burning pit of hot sauce…i never even got notifs of any of the older asks i got…

so very sorry if you've been waiting for like two months on my answers;;; and here i was wondering how dead my inbox was last month…rude, tumblr, very rude. all the asks are under the cut!

just a quick note, to the super sweet asker who send in two very long asks v recently, ima answer them separately after this one, if thats okay!! <3

tw / tags: dirty confession, monster fucking, breeding mentions, implied noncon, brief pregnancy mentions, long post, beastfolk / beastfolks characters mentioned: lady hyena, the lioness, conservative lion, papa bull, duke, cerelos, father fox, velarius

I love Daddy Bull and Duke, (along with so many other of your works!), do you have any plans on doing a confrontation between the two bulls and the reader? My thirst is dryer than the Sahara for these two bulls. I need more content. I’m a desperate whore… 。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。 —anonymous

hm i'm STILL chewing on how this saga should go tbf because it really could go any way!!! i might just bite the bullet and write au's of papa bull and duke saga, even if i feel a little weird making varying storyline au's of my characters.

it was just supposed to be a bull daddy enjoying his little human, how did duke end up there lol

I know everyone is dying over Baldur’s gate rn but have you heard of Lustful Desires on itch.io? I just got into it and I’m dying to talk about it. They literally let you have a poly relationship with 3 different werewolves it’s so good —@flameshadowwolf

i've never heard of it! ima have to check it out now, thanks for the rec <3

Sorry if you consider this a request, but I'm very interested about your OC's yandere MBTI types (from @ddarker-dreams), so if you feel like it, can you identify them in this system? —anonymous

i…ah, am kinda bad with these mbti things. idk if its because i'm older than most writers i know (hi lock my love!! hope you're doing fantastic!), but i guess i can make my best attempt…? i'll just pick a few characters and list them for ya. if you want more specific characters or want me to make an official post with expanded explation, lmk and i'll make my best attempt

here's the link for anyone who are interested

lady hyena: reverent, delusional(?), manipulative (?), lenient, rdml the lioness: reverent, aware, honest, and strict(?), rahs conservative lion: cruel, aware, honest, and strict, cahs papa bull: reverent, delusional, honest, and strict(?), rdhs duke: cruel(?), delusional, manipulative, and strict, cdms father fox: reverent, aware, honest, and lenient(ish), rahl valerius: reverent, delusional(?), manipulative, and lenient, rdml

that's just a few! and they're all beastfolks since they're more fresh in my mind, aha. i tried my best hhh

Thirst chat thought: Have you ever thought that Cerelos could just find a way to tie up his wife underneath him as a cock sleeve, gag her, and just walk around a bit for the day doing royal duties and stuff? The man already has a equine skirt he wears, so he can easily hide everything underneath… (Also I’d happily give this man a dozen babies because I am a simp for him 💕) —anonymous

i think i touched upon that at one point! i wanna say he did that during a large meeting, maybe with his darling magically gagged? lemme see if i can find that post…

found it! its super brief but still

well, now i wanna write that…that's one more to my long to-do list, aha.

also you're valid

I am a simple man all I desire is your happiness. Tis all. I noticed you were feeling sad lately and I thought man next time I have extra money I'll kofi MO but recently I acquired a small fortune and I was happy to find a way to repay you for the time my friends and I giggle and go horny over your works Re-Reading your works is payment enough ….but if you wish to repay me I wouldn't mind maybe a dilf monster vampire (kinda like what you did for wolf pack? but Victorian times) or sequel to snake movie star or sequel/prequel dragon But I would rather you do what you are passionate about! Share your creations with the world! Rejoice in your delights! —anonymous

hi i love you and i swear i answered this before

i did the snek boi just for you <3 i hope you (and your friends!!) enjoyed it! he's a difficult boi to get through but i had fun writing him and his weird camera hobby

link: SMILE FOR THE CAMERA

Also increase your kofi goal —anonymous

im…okay. i didn't really have a goal target in mind so i hope thats sufficient??? sdfkdfj

Which of the beast folk are most likely to mate with humans? Like what about big cat beastfolk? —anonymous

it'd be fangedfolk, since they're canine (dogs) and are most attracted to the humans'…hm , simplicity and openness, i suppose you could say? and possibly treefolk (primates). i based my beastfolks' basic common grounds with irl animals, as canines are pack animals and dogs are more emotionally connected to us. as for primates, humans have evolutionary connections, similar social intelligence, and the shared abilities to solve problems and such.

that said, while fangedfolk are the most likely to have a human "companion", they are also most likely to have a poly pack with their human. whiskeredfolk (feline) are probably in the top-middle of that list, if we were to have a most-to-least likely ranking, with toothedfolk (rodents) due to their prey/nervous natures and seafolks (aquatic) on how dangerous/rare they are to communicate with, at the very bottom. the reason why i feel the whiskeredfolk being in the top-middle is that they can be fairly arrogant and being independent, but adores the complete attention their human can give them and how easily they are to manipulate.

that said, this is extremely generalized list, since the list is not really factoring in specific sub-groups under these categories, such as lions being social animals and are more likely to acquire a human lover, cheetahs more likely to need a service human pet to help with their anxieties, maned wolf being solitary type, etc. and other facets, like countries/areas, cultures, when/which eras, political affiliations, etc.

hope this answers your question, love!

Hello, I've been binging your Masterlist and I just want to say your OCS are exquisite —anonymous

i think you're exquisite as well, love! <3 thank you~

Are you eventually going to do more father fox content?? He's my favorite and I love him so much ♥️ —anonymous

ye! i have couple requests for more hcs for him~though they're all kinda pretty broad. if you have anything more specific for a hc request, hmu! i'd love to write a full piece of him someday too, since i think his quietly manipulative personality is fascinating to work with.

Daddy Bull and Duke content soon? I NEED these two fine beasts in my life!!! And can’t wait till the cute baby arrives!!! And hopefully many more…😋🥰 —anonymous

send in a request then~! preferably something a bit less broad, aha, but yes!

i especially would love to write a full story of those two someday, maybe as a book?

Hi hey sorry to bother you, hypothetically if I wanted to make an ai bot of one of your beastfolks, would that be alright? If not I totally understand, I just want to make sure! —anonymous

as long as there are proper credits included, go for it! just please be sure to link back to me if you do make one &lt;3

whewwww, i...really hope i didn't miss anyone. most of them were (or looked like) a request of some kind and two i wanted to put into their own posts for me to answer soon.

hope yall are doing wonderfully and are having at least a decent holiday season!! ima try and get something nice out by christmas so heres hoping!! just...gonna decide on which i wanna do...lol.

[hemi-demi]

Making a proper blog intro because I think I should? Idk anymore

Hi! I am a person on the internet that is way too autistic about a specific show, and now I'm making it everyone's problem.

Side blog: @fulldemi for just art posts

Links, tags, and more below cut:

What you'll see on this blog:

Right now, it's all TMA/TMAGP all the time, as this has gone beyond hyperfixation and right into special interest, and I do not want off this ride anytime soon. Most of my content will probably be JMart related, but I like talking about most of the characters in general.

I've been getting into Malevolent lately too, so it might come up. Not sure yet, time will tell.

I make art and fic. I'll post random thoughts and reblog other artists I enjoy.

I post SFW and NSFW art here, so refer to the Tags below for filters.

Eventually, you might even see animation and fan game stuff from me here. Who knows? I don't. I have no control over my life. I just go where the dopamine tells me. And right now, it's hurdling towards the wet cat acespec British man and his fog-cloaked teddy bear boyfriend, and I don't get a say in that.

Tags

My art: #hemidemi art

My NSFW art: #lewdemi

Text posts and rambles: #demirambles

Links

Pillowfort - HemiDemi

Lewd art too hot for Tumblr goes here

My AO3 - *Slaps Link* This baby can fit so much JMart fic in it! Most of my fic is 18+

If you were to check out any of my fics, it would of course be the stupid long Porn with Plot fic where Jon and Martin can share lucid dreams and get into fun little nighttime adventures together in the Highlands. It's silly, it's fluffy, but also so plot heavy and full of horror, as it should be.

Lucid - Rated E - Words: 341,700 - Chapters: 44/44

I post (spoiler-free-ish) art from this fic here often as well, so you'll be seeing it referenced a ton if you hang around.

Okay, I think that's enough now, byeee love you, mwah <3

[obxone]

Marmoris (Chapter Nineteen)

Edited-ish. ~1.7k words

Taglist: @gillybear17 @fallingwallsh

WARNING: Post Smut mentions(do not engage if you are underage!)

Masterpage

Waking up to JJ's body pressed to yours makes you smile and snuggle into him. His legs tangle with yours in the sheets, and his arm stays locked around your waist, holding you as close as he can get to you. You nuzzle your face into the croak of his neck, sighing with contentment. 

"Morning, Boyfriend."

"Girlfriend," he mumbles sleepily. "What time is it?" He asks, his lips brushing against your hair as he speaks.

"Late morning."

He stretches before tugging you back against him. His lips skate across your forehead. "Did you sleep okay?"

"I did." You tip your head back to look at him. "Did you?"

He nods before dipping his head. His lips press to yours, and you kiss him back, tangling your fingers in his hair. He groans, tightening his arms, and you squeak at how tight he holds you. 

"Thank you," you whisper, brushing your lips across his. "Last night was-"

"Not done yet," he interrupts before crashing his mouth against yours. You giggle, hooking your arms around his neck, rocking your hips into his. He groans into your mouth. His hands dive under the hem of your nightshirt to touch your heated skin.

"The others are probably awake by now."

He frowns before nudging his nose against yours. "Stay quiet then."

You laugh, patting his chest. "You wish." He laughs and pecks your lips.

"Knock, knock!" Sarah sing songs while pushing your bedroom door open. JJ shifts to pull you behind him. His naked upper body is on display while your comforter bunches around his hips. His hand splayed over your thigh.

You laugh under your breath before stroking your hand down his back. "Baby, it's just Sarah."

 "Oh!" Sarah's hand slaps over her eyes, and you laugh. JJ rolls his eyes at her antics. 

"We're dressed…ish," you tease, and she removes her hand to look at you. You shift forward to sit on JJ's lap under the comforter. Your body covers his naked torso and keeps your bare lower half covered. "What is it, Sarah?"

"I thought you should know that everyone is waking up, and Dad is asking us to come down for breakfast." She shifts her weight as she smirks at the pair of you. "I offered to come get you instead of Rafe like Dad suggested, and I'm glad I did."

You nod, glancing at JJ, who is tracing his fingers up and down the side of your waist, a wide smile on his face. "Oh shit."

Sarah laughs. 

"Okay, I'll be down soon."

"Yep." She starts to take a step back before pausing. "How are you getting him out of here?"

"Window," you gesture to it. "It is how he got in here."

She laughs with a shake of her head, not even surprised that he had found his way inside by doing so. She goes, the door closing with a soft click.

"I thought you locked the door," he mumbles against your shoulder. 

You stretch, arms raising before you lower them and turn into JJ. Your body is pressing against the length of him. Lips are urging for more in hungry kisses. "I thought I did."

"Uh-huh," he mutters. "Anyone could've walked in last night."

You shrug, glancing at the door once more. "They wouldn't have stayed long."

He laughs, circling his arms around your waist and pressing your chest against his. "Cute."

"Your clothes are definitely dry," you giggle and peck his lips.

He mutters something under his breath about ruining morning sex, and you laugh, laying your head on his chest.

"We have plenty of time for that later." Your fingers find his hand, and you link your fingers together. After a moment of silence, both of you climb out of the warm depths of your bed. He touches you, lingering close to you while he gets dressed before you walk him to the window. "Find you later?"

He grins, that perfect dimple showing, before he kisses you, his hands greedy for the last touch. "See you at the Chateau tonight."

It is a statement, not a request. You cannot help but to smile wide at the eagerness to see you again so soon. 

Seconds later, he is gone, and you are alone. You glance around your room, your gaze fixating on the mused sheets of your bed. Last night's activities are replaying in your mind.

After getting yourself dressed and ready for the day, you go downstairs and find Sarah first. Your index finger pokes her cheek, and she playfully knocks your hand away. "Way to ruin in the morning."

She laughs, nudging you before glancing to make sure you are both alone. "So… did you guys-?"

"Yes."

She grins, and you blush before burying your face in your hands. "I have a secret too."

"Oh?" You perk up, watching her with wide eyes. 

"I think I want to be with John B."

"Really?"

She nods, biting her lip. "Am I crazy?"

"Never!"

She smiles, looking down at her empty plate. You happy dance inside knowing that your plan has worked. Sarah and John B are likely to get together, and JJ will have to relent that you were right all along. 

"I think you should go for it," you encourage her, glancing as Ward, Rose, Rafe, and Wheezie enter the kitchen. You straighten up, both of you dropping the topic for now. 

"Breakfast is served," Ward says while he dangles two paper bags from his fingers. "Hope everyone is hungry!"

"Starved." You smile at your dad. 

Sarah laughs under her breath, and you nudge her roughly with your elbow. Rafe sits across from you, his gaze flickering between you and Sarah. He understands you are both hiding something from him yet again. His eyes lock with yours, and you smile sweetly at him, which in turn makes him scoff and shake his head. 

"Who had the brilliant idea to order out?" You ask, glancing at your dad.

"Rose," Ward responds, a smile on his face while he squeezes her hand. "It is a great idea."

Everyone begins to eat, and you hum in delight as the crepes practically melt in your mouth. 

It is quiet other than hums of appreciation and the periodic clink of silverware on the plates.

"So, Sweetheart," Ward starts, lifting his head. You expect his conversation to be directed at Sarah, so you eat a fork full of food. "My sources tell me that you are dating JJ Maybank."

You choke, covering your mouth. Sarah pats your back with a knowing smirk on her face. Wheezie giggles behind her napkin while Rose's fork clatters onto the plate loudly. You wince, gaze darting to Rafe, who grins in satisfaction.

"Is that source named Rafe?" You question after swallowing your mouthful. Ward shrugs, waiting for more information. "If so, he is correct."

"Oooh!" Wheezie chides. You roll your eyes at her. 

"Grow up, Wheez."

She rolls her eyes next before glancing at your father to see what he is going to say, but he continues to watch you, chewing in silence. 

"Is that a problem?" Sarah asks before you can. And you know that she is thinking about John B and her. John B and JJ being pogues will be the issue if there is one. And it is an issue you refuse to even let them have. 

"No," Ward murmurs before taking another bite. "I just don't like my daughters keeping secrets from me."

You exhale, glaring at Rafe and his stupid smirk. "Well… it is still new, and after the past year, I wanted to be sure before I made any introductions." 

You glance at Sarah for help, but she is glaring at Rafe hard enough for the both of you. 

Ward hums before turning to Sarah. "And you? I hear Topepr is no longer your boyfriend."

She pauses mid-bite. Your attention shifts to Rafe as he spears a piece of food with his fork, all too happy that you are both being called out for keeping secrets. 

"Wait," Rose starts up, and you groan internally. "You are going to let her date a pogue?"

"Why not?" You ask, your tone biting. "We didn't exactly come from riches either. Not according to our family history, right, Dad?" 

Rose stares at you hard as you lean forward daring her to argue with you. She arches a perfectly waxed eyebrow at you.

"Oh, that's right. You married into this family after our father became wealthy."

Wheezie chokes on her orange juice, and Sarah has to cover her snicker. Rafe's whispered oh shit does not go unheard by anyone. Ward clears his throat while looking down at his plate. "We have not always been this privileged; that is true."

"JJ could work just as hard as Dad when he is old enough. Besides, being a pogue isn't a bad thing." You snap at Rose. She is sporting a hot flush and reaching for her mimosa. A pointed look crosses your face and you look at the mostly empty glass. "Would you like a fourth mimosa?"

"Okay, that's enough," Ward says, his tone a warning as he sets his fork down. 

But it is too late, and you are angry that she would even think to have an opinion after everything. "You don't know anything about him, nor do you care enough to learn. You know nothing about any of the pogues. You have never even set foot into The Cut for fear of ruining that perfect manicure."

"Sweetheart!" Ward's tone is harsh, and his hand slams down on the table, causing everyone but you and Rafe to jump. Rafe laughs manically, enjoying the show he is getting with breakfast because he cannot keep his mouth shut. 

"It's fine. I'm done anyways," you mutter, throwing your napkin onto your plate and standing abruptly. The chair nearly topples backward, but Sarah catches it in time. "I'm going for a walk! Maybe on The Cut." You direct the last part at Rose, who rolls her eyes in annoyance. 

"I'll come," Wheezie offers. 

Sarah gets up, her chair scraping loudly across the floor. "Me too!"

You smile at your sisters before roughly shoving Rafe on the shoulder as you pass. "Thanks, big bro." He reaches out to shove you back, but you move fast enough that he misses. You hiss under your breath, but loud enough for him to hear. "Way to keep sibling code, jerk. I know your secrets too."

(Chapter Twenty)

Feedback is welcomed, just remember to be kind. Please feel free to like, reblog, comment, or send an ask if you want. Happy Reading.

[bosskie]

Just felt like doing a random quick-ish pixel thing to practice stuff. This was meant to be simpler but welp, I'm bad at drawing simple stuff. I could improve stuff more here but eh, I wanna let this be.

I pretty much chose this situation because Molluck looks so cute here! But well, I also like the lighting here.

I don't know what else I should really say. I have had quite awful thoughts about my own art lately, yet again... I have felt sorry for even posting my stuff, felt like it's the worst stuff... I'm trying my best to feel better about my art since I personally just feel like I got no real talent and it's not worth any money... Yeah, I basically just see my own art as rubbish, don't even really feel like saying it's art, just stuff or creations.

I don't know even why but my mind just tells me that everyone is lying about my skills and talent... Like my grades cannot be true either, I have only had luck with my studies, no real talent or skills... I have felt like I'm not even worth of being in university, that it's only waste that I study... My own mind hates me so much... I don't really know what to think of myself. I don't even really wanna think of myself, it just tends to make me feel so bad...

I just don't really feel like doing anything in life but welp, just wasting spending my time on Molluck... It's only my love for this Gluk that keeps me creating stuff. I'm sorry but my self-image and self-esteem are just horrible and I don't really know how to improve them...

[loveforlandonorris]

🎤 Lando at the post-race press conference in Shanghai:

(I'm so sorry for how late I'm posting this, uni has been bleeding me dry 😞 I wanted to get this posted before posting about Miami so even if it's belated, at least the post-race press will be here. I will post the video to go with when I can 🫶🏻)

Transcript:

Interviewer: Lando, let's come to you next. Many congratulations, your best result of the year so far. Was this the best the car has felt?

 Lando: No, probably not. I mean, big improvement today compared to yesterday. So I think that's why we were probably a bit surprised. I'm surprised to be sitting here today, but it's a nice surprise of course. Difficult to say, you know, we've been struggling a little bit. I'm sure everyone does, with certain things throughout the whole season, which have always been limiting us. It probably felt similar-ish to Australia, Australia, I felt comfortable and the car felt pretty good as well.

So just much better today, things came alive today, the conditions cooled down, the wind calmed down and both of these things, I think, played into our hands a little bit more. So, you know, that's why yesterday, if you asked me, what do we expect for today, It definitely was nowhere near top three, or even maybe top five, you know. So a pleasant surprise. And yeah, the car felt much better. But obviously, not quick enough to match the Red Bulls.

 Interviewer: You say "pleasant surprise", Lando. Coming into the weekend, you weren't confident. What changed?

Lando: Nothing. I don't know. What did change? We were just quicker than we thought. That's the limitations, the places we expected to struggle, probably a lot more, we didn't struggle as much in. So these longer corners, like Turn 1, have always been a big weakness for us. And part of Turn 1 was probably better than we're expecting. And like the second part was probably as we were expecting. So it's just we're still learning about the car, it's as simple as that.

This track is very different. The tarmac is quite odd. Maybe that played into our hands a bit more than we were thinking, maybe with the old tarmac, we would have struggled a bit more. So just little things, you know. We're not making it up. We're giving our honest opinion on where we want to be. I think if we were to go into a weekend, and we knew we're going to be strong, we've said it. So more often than not, we don't feel that optimistic, because all year we’ve been behind Red Bull, all year we've been behind Ferrari, there's no reason for us to suddenly think we should be ahead.

But yeah, nothing really pointed to us having an amazing race today, especially the Sprint race yesterday, which was our best kind of version of events of what can go down. But things just went to plan and kind of went very smoothly from that point onwards. You know, I didn't make a mistake in Turn 1 and go off. It's a good start. And got past the Aston and then you can just control the race. And that was very different to yesterday.

Interviewer: Couple of moments I wanted to ask you about. First, what were you thinking in the middle of the race when the VSC came out just after you passed the pit lane entry?

Lando: I knew it. Yeah, there was a few f-words and s-words and so on. I knew it because it was obvious it was going to be a VSC. But it just didn't come out. So I was saying to myself, like, ‘I bet it's going to come out as soon as I go around the last corner’, and it literally did. So even my engineer said it. I said it to him. Luckily, it stayed out a long time and then it obviously went to Safety Car.

It was good, I think our strategy worked out well. I felt confident in the first stint, so I could go a very long time. If the VSC went out before I got around to the pit lane I would have been a lot more annoyed than I am right now. But yeah, things obviously went our way for sure. Because it made the Red Bulls have to stop again. And that obviously put me out ahead of Checo with the Ferrari in between us. And that probably saved me a little bit.

Interviewer: Talk us through the battle with Checo in those last 17 laps. Were you surprised he didn't get closer?

Lando: Hard to say. I think it's a track where when you're in control and you can manage things, it can really be in your favour. And I think that's where the race was so different for us yesterday, you know. I was behind the whole pack. You overheat your tyres, you just struggle. There’s not a lot you can do. And today I could control things on my own. I could break away from Charles very quickly. And then Charles was holding up Checo a lot. And Checo probably had to use a lot of his tyres to try and get past him. So yeah, it depends how you think of it. I probably maybe expected a bit more of a battle but then when I know how much he pushed in the beginning to pass the Ferrari, itt allowed me to be a bit more comfortable, which was a nice thing.

Journalist Questions:

Q1 (Jérôme Bourret - L'Equipe) To all of you, may I ask who you your general opinion about the race returning in China? What about the track? What about the atmosphere? And what about the new Sprint format? Positive any negative? What is your general opinion?

Lando: Not a lot more to add [than Maxis answer]. Probably a better layout than last year for sure. The track… it was my first time finishing a race here, so it feels good. But I agree with Max. To be honest, I'd always prefer the old, original race format. This is what I've grown up watching, it's what I've always liked the most. I do like just going in and having the pressure straightaway.

So the fact of having one practice straight into qualifying I do like it. I think it gives people less chance to just get the car perfect and I think that's when you just start to see team, team, team, team rather than a mix. So I do think it works from that perspective. But the main point is just the toll it has on mechanics and engineers. I don't think it's too bad for us as drivers, honestly. I don't think we can be the ones to complain at all. It’s the hundreds of mechanics and engineers that we have here that have to travel so much. It's not healthy for them, it is not sustainable.

So yeah, the problem is not with us. So, it's not something you should be asking us. It’s something that people should look out more for the rest of the team. And I think that's a limiting factor, not the fact of can we go in the car every day, because I think we can but not doing too much for them I think is the priority.

Q1: What about the fans, Lando? Were there many 'Lando Norris' banners in the grandstand?

Lando: There were a couple.

Max: Lots of a girls. Load of girls were really supporting Lando, you know. "Lando! Lando!"

Lando: I’m not surprised. I didn't notice that, to be honest with you, so you’ve got a good eye, Max. I was looking at the track! The fans are always good here. They're passionate. There was a lot of them obviously. Like, the support Zhou gets here is beautiful to see at the same time. So yeah, hopefully after this year I've got a few more and it’s only my second time here, so again next year maybe even more.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Gremlin update May 24th 2024

4:00 am

Slept 10 ish till a little past 2 this time.

I'm thinking it has been long enough since the whole "well now when I take magnesium my heart suddenly starts to feel bad and weak" problem, which was long enough after the "If I don't take 500 mg of magnesium with any meal containing -any- amount of calcium [more than half an apples worth] I get crushing chest pain and my heat skips beats" problem... That I think I can start taking small amounts of magnesium here and there again, which has been shown to reduce anxiety and help with sleep. Personally I have to be careful because it can lower your blood pressure, but also I have been having some muscle tension problems and it would help with that.

I think where the sleep experiment is going to leave off will be being integrated with this journals eventually because there won't be anything more elaborate to say than "10-2 ish and I will bite anyone I have to speak to." But it is still my hope that as i manage my thyroid and other health problems I might scrape a bit of extra sleep out of the day but still get to maintain some of the feeling alert that is causing the current insomnia.

The internet has been having me feel some kind of way lately, specifically trying to socialize on the internet, and I am both not sure I should be super open about it, but also not sure it would be responsible not to bring it up, since I think it's something we all maybe have some experience with. It has certainly been impacting me on a personal level and more than I thought it would. I wasn't prepared for it to leave me feeling like everything is so bleak, and I think it is worth discussing, but since this account is my main social contact with pretty much everyone I know, I don't want the potential for drama. I'm not sure being vague will be being vague enough.

Also one of my friends recently got hacked, they completely dropped off and I was really worried something happened to them and I had no idea what to do about it, and that was very stressful, but they're back now.

And as usual skip to the next ~*~ if you don't want to read this next part about an ex of mine...

Also having thoughts and feelings about my first "marriage" [we would have been considered common-law]... All this time I had kind of been stuck on how I was framing it in my mind, and not really reprocessing any of it at all, stuck on how I was framing him in my mind... And -even though I knew I did the right thing by leaving- I kept wondering if I could have been kinder in various ways or put in more effort to be emotionally attentive, or wondering if maybe I said something too harsh due to some misunderstanding or, or just whatever the fuck... But no. Even just talking/posting about that relationship in the framing of just the -sleep- problems I was having at the time and the way he basically -very sweetly and politely- tried to pretend I didn't exist in my own apartment while I was supporting him full time? The impression his family and our friends seem to have been left with about me on his behalf? Even, even and especially the way he quite suddenly completely ghosted me after finding out I had moved in with Fine and GB [who he went to highschool make-up school with]...

And perhaps the most damning; The recurrent infections I kept getting that doctors kept trying to insist would only be expected if I or my partner was sleeping around. See I kept getting bladder infections, severe ones, in a way I didn't before he moved to town to stay with me, and -eventually- yes it devolved into having a weird delayed but excessive reaction to any and all bacteria+, such that I can't share a toilet with anyone anymore without getting constant yeast infections... But it started off as repeated infection with something the doctors at the clinic thought was suspicious to have be recurrent like that, and they kept suspecting chlamydia Or gonorrhea because -for those of you who don't know- those are the bacteria that are normally behind aggressive bladder infections, they kept testing me for that specific immune response and coming up empty, but I don't have normal immune responses to a bunch of bacteria -at least by now- so I am prone to false negatives from blood-work, but they kept putting me on antibiotics, increasingly aggressive courses of antibiotics [some of which I was allergic to], and still I kept being re-infected, sometimes immediately enough they just weren't sure if the bacteria was resistant, but sometimes it would be a number of months in between. It became really obvious that the pattern was when I had sex with my partner it would start again. At first I suspected it was all the latex allergy and we switched condoms, but that didn't solve it. So I went over washing properly with my 'husband' and had him put on the same course of antibiotics as me a few times [I mean when he had health problems i had to make him go to a doctor about it every time], and STILL the infection kept coming back any time we had sex...

Something I learned about Fine years later when I lived with her was her proud admission she never gets tested for STIs and never bothers using protection no matter who she's sleeping with, or getting her partners tested because "he seems 'clean' :)" and "Well I am pretty sure I'm infertile anyway because I never get pregnant :)" .... Like bitch, most cases of chlamydia are asymptomatic except that in women it eventually causes you to be infertile. And like, yeah, as a good friend I gently pointed this out to her and urged her to get tested, and yeah, she ignored me and got really offended...

But my husband constantly picking up yeast infection and even potentially chlamydia from her way back then would have explained the repeated re-infection with something that kept spreading to my bladder and causing kidney symptoms, and only stopped when I stopped fucking him ever, despite that we had both been repeatedly on aggressive courses of antibiotics [or were supposed to be, it's possible that in most instances he never bothered going to the clinic properly or taking his full course I can't say I was home and cogent enough that I could tell you for sure.] Like yes, He could have also picked up enough of those bacteria from using public toilets to transfer them to me and infect me because of my lowered/delayed immunity, I get yeast infections any time I try to share a toilet now [hence me having to ask partners not to use public toilets if they want to fuck me], after so many bladder infections it caused nerve damage, and they can become bladder infections if left untreated, but all the ones I get now -now that I never fuck anyone-can be treated with diet and maybe a bit of cream at home [and I haven't had one since having my own apartment], and the ones I kept getting from him were in my bladder instantly and super aggressive with horrible torturous burning, the likes of which I haven't experienced since. Like 'sit in a tub of warm water and cry all day in pain that nothing can help with' kind of torture. And then being expected to work all day on no sleep at a call center where they won't let you take breaks to pee, for 10 hours, only to come home to no chores having been done and to have to cook dinner...

Looking back, taking into consideration the way he's still ghosting me -as of 5ish years ago- even when I send him a message saying that I have something I need to ask him about that's important, the way he immediately stopped responding to anything the moment I said I had a question about GB or Fine because I had reconnected with them... With all the power of hindsight from over 10 years later:

a) I am pretty fucking certain it is a *strong possibility* he was cheating on me with Fine and prioritized not facing me about it over my safety, both back then and when he ghosted me instead of answering mys questions about these people I had just moved in with or was going to move in with and who were trying to get close to me, and if that's the case it would turn everything I though I knew on it's head. It would also explain Fine's behaviour towards me entirely.

b) That would also mean everyone -including Tictacs- has willfully lied to me about it and hide it to varying degrees since, even while claiming to be my friends and trying to get close to me [which frankly tracks with the rest of their behaviour]. She's been friends with Fine and GB since childhood, I highly fucking doubt she never met Bunny or had Fine tell her anything.

c) It would mean that they all also willfully lied to me about anything they'd heard about me through him before I -by pure chance- became part of their social circle

d) And that him taking advantage of me was WAY more conscious and intentional that I had been giving him credit for and the ONLY reason I didn't see it sooner was because I too was taken in by him being so generally sweet and shy.

Like I know my memory can be a bit shit but I also know I probably have receipts saved somewhere, because I have a vague recollection of this having come up before, and when people say sus things to me I tend to screencap and save them. At some point I will figure out who was willfully lying to me to what extent. I'm going to start comparing their stories, and anyway I call bullshit on the entire situation and all four of them. And I am done wondering if -I- somehow could have held their hands a little more, either way, because I shouldn't have to handhold my peers constantly to keep them from being negligent, toxic or abusive.

And at the time and for years after I had never really considered it a possibility. He just didn't seem like the type to cheat, and even less so like the type to cheat and then lie about it, and I have always resisted jumping to that conclusion because anyone I know who has is usually so deeply insecure they suspect it of everyone all the time and it makes them kind of a toxic or outright abusive nightmare, or they themselves are prone to cheating and do it often, and that's why they are so eager to believe their partner is doing it too. I just never wanted to start being someone who immediately suspects cheating and gets weird about it the moment the relationship isn't perfect. And besides that, it's one of those things I acknowledge -abstractly- that people do, but it isn't something that occurs to me regularly as a possibility, or something to actually do, you know? And then I find out my partner was cheating on ME and they use the justification "Well you cheated first >:(" when like... WHEN? Bruh I haven't left your house, -I know- I haven't, but how do you even suspect I could have had the opportunity? Like HOW? My bedroom is next to yours and I am pretty sure you'd notice me fucking someone in your basement or living area??? I don't go out?? If you thought I was cheating why was your solution to risk my life by cheating on me in secret instead of just breaking up with me or even asking me about it????. Fucking bullshit excuse that is, just to try to save face or try to play the victim because they fucking know I'm Poly and that if I wanted to sleep with someone else I'd just ask and ask if they want to join??? I call bullshit on that entire grift because no reasonable person with functioning senses would see that as thing I was like -logistically- capable of pulling off, but anyway...

If ANYTHING explains him having been so shut down and despondent, in a way that always read to me as 'guilty', this would be it. I had always written it off as him just being used to abusive parents and feeling like there was something wrong with himself as a kind of resting state, and I always tried to be gentle about it, but I guess this would also explain why that never helped. Why maybe the more compassionate and helpful I was the worse he felt?

And especially the way he's shut down during conversations about sexual health or rape culture and informed consent, or even about sexuality or questions about his or mine, or how some viruses are really dangerous to me and how I was slowly discovering more deeply concerning signs that they could be outright fatal to someone with my genetic disposition.

I am pretty fucking certain GB lied to me about how and when he had met me before. It was the weirdest most innocuous statement that did it too. Both times he had mentioned always having wanted to cut his hair short and dye it sky blue, but how that would read too 'anime' to commit to in public, and how he had/would maybe dye his hair black for a while... Those are the kinds of details I remember about people even when their face and name escapes me. He also lied when I asked him about his sexual health history and I asked him if he had shared mouth germs, like eating off the same plate, etc... with anyone within the past 3 months before I shelled out money for us to get the blood test for herpes 1&2 in addition to the other testing [because if I get cold sores it could kill me, due to an inadequate immune response to herpes family viruses] He insisted up and down that was something he didn't do, and hadn't done. But the MOMENT Fine came back from the states and started hanging out with us, she started talking about times when they had shared cakes at restaurants and shit before she left, which apparently was less than 3 months before I got there. I told him my life was on the line if we missed something and he lied to me about that and about the callouses on his hands potentially being HPV [warts he kept chewing on until they just looked like callouses from chewing]. And TBH the MOMENT I realized that I should have dropped all their asses and avoided them like the plague, but I was really stressed out at the time and had a memory lapse about it, and by the time I remembered again it was too late.

These are all things where like, an outside perspective from an offline bestie sharing about my life on a regular basis would have been helpful, because when I started to get stressed and have memory lapses about it, they could remind me of this shit before i went and trusted those fuckers with anything. They could have told me it seemed like my "husband" was cheating on me, and we would have had enough rapport that I could have taken someone seriously about that.

Honestly, if any one of these people who were my partners or friends had acted like they actually cared whether I lived or died, I wouldn't be in any of these messes. But what they prioritized over my safety every time was avoiding anything socially awkward and getting their dicks wet.

Whatever.

It's just infuriating because I thin... I thought- of that relationship as like my one lasting adult relationship where my partner wasn't raping me [violations of informed consent]... But like, again, informed consent is INFORMED, and lying to me about sexual health or sleeping around then not telling me and then fucking me anyway... That's all a complete violation of informed consent. Anyway all these fuckers owe me years of life and thousands of dollars, and also fuck them.

I wish I could know for sure but up until I deleted my public facebook, he wouldn't respond to me.

And that also has me feeling some kind of way.

I keep conducting myself as earnestly as I can and approaching relationships in good faith, with family, friends and partners, and they are all intent on manipulating, lying to me, abusing me, trying to guilt-trip and emotionally manipulate me, refuse to let me hav boundaries, to the point where my patience just isn't enough. And it isn't like me "being distrustful" is somehow an excuse because I never was. While I was IN those relationships I trusted them and kept accidentally repressing the memory of anything that would hint to me that I shouldn't, otherwise I would have broken it off and left sooner. The moment the balance tipped and I started remembering all the bullshit they had done, I broke up with them, in every instance. I don't play these petty fuckign games, if I want something other than the relationship, I just break it off. I am very simple that way.

And I would just really appreciate closure about it all so I can correctly modulate how I am reading people to be more accurate and help protect myself from being taken advantage of the same way again, because I'm autistic and that's a struggle for me, but no one involved will even do me that basic fucking human decency, IG.

I'm a little concerned that this is what has had Bean fishing in the memory soup for something and I am afraid of what comes out.

~*~

Anyway I have been watching through x-files. Slowly. The... This show is the kind of old show that spawned our current over adjustment in media where everything is now hard hitting plot being fired at you a mile per minute... There's so much filler in the x-files sometimes you aren't even sure the big plots are still even happening or if the show runners have decided to drop it. Watching it with a bunch of really modern shows is so weird. Like there was a good middle ground at some point and the x-files aren't it any more than the mew x-men series is, but in opposite directions. Like old TV really used to go for slow -drawn out- drama and the x-files really are it.

Before my last sleep, during my last half day, whatever, while feeling some kind of way about social things and whatnot, I did some aggro cleaning and organizing. I highly recommend this, using irritation and lack of satisfaction with anything you could possibly be doing to just go clean or organize something you have been putting off. You're going to feel miserable at the moment no matter what you are doing, but at least when you are done you have done/made something nice for yourself instead of just stewing... So now the clutter that had built up on my bathroom desk and sink have been tidied up.

Slowly I am moving things around closer and closer to their final-ish resting positions and tidying up around that. This year for sure, but I keep wanting to get some swell of high energy to get it all done now. This probably isn't going to happen and wouldn't be sustainable or advisable, physically, but like... Want.

I just want a 100% stress-free environment for like the first time in my adult life like holy fuck...

~*~

May 26th

9:20 pm

It's my bedtime soon. Still having a problem with how long it takes me to get running in the morning, and that not leaving ANY time left to be productive on a split sleep schedule.

Like it's 9:20 and I still haven't eaten. I pushed myself this half-day and sewed my pj pants shut again, moved the thread rack 2 inches up the wall, cleaned out 3 little bags I had in storage, and fucked around with a couple details, did some laundry and dishes on the morning shift or today... But like... I did not get through any more totes and if I want to get prepared to go across town for my health card i have to do it when I wake up.

~*~

May 27th

7:50 pm

I slept late, Idk, I slept at some point for some length, I'm tired, but mostly the point is I didn't make it out to renew my health card, but I HAVE now booked an appointment for tomorrow morning. T~T

I should have enough ID even though technically as a disabled person I legally can't acquire what they are asking for the moment both my health card and photo id expire at the same time... Which they always do, in part because I can't get a credit card.

Either way I deal with that tomorrow at about 9am...

Until then I am trying to do things like make myself eat and make myself keep re-organizing bins and stuff.

Emotionally I just want to start screaming and never stop.

~*~

May 31st

3:00 pm

EUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-okay, I went out and got my health card renewed. They didn't raise a fuss about what technically counts as proof of identity and both my IDs being expired.

Now I can contact doctor's offices again when I am ready. It's going to be a bitch of a thing that I start on Monday... T~T

I also destroyed my ankle and my hip joints a little and picked up cat treats from the dollar store, the freeze dried organ meats i sprinkle on his food to get him to actually eat it all. I even found they have a bag of pre-ground beef liver, being sold as meal topper, that's just beef liver, that you get almost 2X the weight in for the same price. The package quite hilariously and pretentiously goes on about the science behind their product when like... It's beef liver. It works because it's pure beef liver. You used a very established technology to dry it. Babes... There is no need for pretense here, I am buying a bag of liver dust... On purpose.

Today I also tried checking my email for the CHOB renewal, entirely convinced it wouldn't be there and I'd have to call, but it was there, and I filled it out and submitted it. Now so long as it goes through I should be good.

I got my bills paid, my rent, my garbage and recycling out etc... Because payday, bills day and garbage and recycling all fell on the same day, so I get to feel like I have been super productive by doing basic maintenance and I am taking the win.

I just need to order alcohol still because I don't currently have a mouthwash substitute at all, let alone one better than whisky.

So, so I made one last ditch effort to get some answers and maybe recover my passport, yeah? Because Bunny's dad had it last and I am sick of having valid ID constantly being more than a struggle than it -has- to be, and I don't want to renew it, and bitch I want answers, really, and I messaged my ex husband on facebook from a secret account I used for local necessity, because it was like, the only one I have.

So I didn't expect him to answer, but he did on account of me saying it was important and that we shared a few 'friends'.

So we actually had a conversation... Were the dreams I had about talking to him predictive? Or a self fulfilling prophesy? Whomst the fuck knows!

And he's going to actually look around for my passport instead of just asking his dad to remember past multiple brain injuries.

And he let me ask him questions about what the fuck was going on with him back then. And -for the most part- I have to assume he doesn't have a reason to lie to me. And *most* of me believes him, so there's something adjacent to closure here. If I can believe him when I fully process it all.

He doesn't remember if GB was the guy at timmies, so I don't know if he could have saved me any trouble by responding to me, because they broke off contact around a year after he moved away, and that part was true enough. I mean, I think GB still had all his info, and I didn't and he still could have reached out to him on my behalf and chose not to, but that's on GB, that's his dishonesty.

He mostly hung out with them strictly at school and not outside of it, so that's something I wasn't home from work enough to get an impression of, but it makes more sense of the idea of him never having interacted with Tictacs.

He says him and Fine were just school friends and he never cheated on me with anyone. Even with all the bullshit men have pulled I don't think he would lie to me directly like that. If her behaviour towards me has to do with him, it's probably one-sided on her part.

We then proceeded to have the most frustrating exchange possible over what the fuck was up with him at the time, because he just shut down on me and stopped acting like he even wanted to interact with me as a person at all at some point and lost all interest in sex... And when asked about it he tells me it's because he got the firm impression I was asking him to seek intimacy from me explicitly so I could reject him???? And the only explanation he could give me for what gave him that idea was to confirm what I already suspected and say he internalizes everything, is used to abuse and then say horrible stuff about himself and site outside factors that were knocking him off balance... He did not give me one bit of feedback about my own behaviour or anything I said that had anything to do with why he thought he suddenly couldn't come to me about anything or why he thought I didn't want him.

And yeah, he says that it was mostly his fault, and that him letting everyone act like I should be working full time and doing all the cooking and cleaning while he doesn't do anything, while not speaking up about it, leaving me to try to defend myself with no word of defense from him was not a cool thing to do to me...

But like... We got together in the first place in part because we both understood what it was like to have parents who treated us as being wrong for existing and as deserving punishments for having basic needs. That was explicitly why I told him he could come live with me and worry about finding a job or finishing school once he was with me and out of that place. And I spent every moment with him trying to gently pry and gently get him to talk to me and unpack whatever was bothering him. And he responded by suddenly acting like I was some kind of threat he couldn't speak to or be honest with.

And it's like... yeah I GET IT because, listen I was in the same position and have been ever since. Everyone I have ever known with very few exceptions has been horrible to me, to the point I should expect everyone to default to being horrible to me and annoyed at me for having to exist, even in my own living space. I was actually diagnosed with depression and anxiety and under treatment... But what I didn't do was treat him like he was part of a pattern instead of an individual person.

And that wasn't the rapport we had established! We were friend since I was still in school, and we had been having a long distance relationship ever since, where we would talk on the phone every night, and every 6 months he'd come to me and I'd get to see him again [and I used to jokingly called him Persephone because of that...]. But then the moment he moved in he just slid into treating me like the enemy, but then still being 'willing' to have sex...

And what I was trying to get him to understand was that I wanted him to interact with me like a person again instead of just using sex as a substitute to keep me happy. And for a long time he acted super reluctant about sex even though he kept saying he was enthusiastic about it, he blamed asthma, he blamed allergies, he blamed 'stuff' but he never actually opened up about what the issue was. I has the distinct impression that since moving in with me his attraction to me had just died a terrible death... And when I finally asked to step back from sex, I had the firm impression he might be asexual and just putting himself up to it to try to keep me happy. Even at the rate I will naturally seek sex from someone in a relationship [variable depending on the level of other engagement], I cannot tell you how much it kills the mood beyond even that when the person doesn't actually -act- enthusiastic about sex, and otherwise just acts like they want to tune me out all the time. I was -without the modern language for it- trying to get him to understand that I was probably also asexual and that what I really wanted was for him to just talk to me again and interact with me like a person, instead of acting like he expected me to abuse him the way his uncle and grandmother did.

And I tried every tactic I could, every appeal, both trying to get him to open up to me about problems and trying to figure out what the sexual disconnect was. I tried suggesting role play, I tried prying about what he was attracted to. I made a maid's outfit for fucks sake and subjected myself to that to see if it -did- anything... I tried being more dominant, gritting my teeth and tried acting submissive, I tried nibbling on him more, I tried suggesting different kinds of sex, trying to figure out what characters he was into, what was making him feel inadequate or whatever the problem was... He was a clam. [I mean he's supposed to be a bunny because his hair turns darker brown in spring and summer and lighter in the winter, but he was a total shellfish about it all.]

And even when I tried to talk to him about him not pitching in around the house they were very gentle and delicate appeals! I tried everything to make it rewarding for him too. Including making it kinky, including -the most effective tactic- making him apple pies every time I had a clean kitchen to do it in. My drill sergeant mode was absent, dialed to 0. I was on eggshells about potentially making him feel bad about himself but still desperately needing him to pull his weight.

And so when I ask him what I did that made me someone he couldn't go to anymore, or couldn't be open with, or acted like he didn't want... He sites a list of things other people did to him and how it made him feel about himself.

And, yeah, that tracks... But it's fucking infuriating... It's so fucking in your head with low self esteem to such a divorced from reality extreme that is sounds fucking -fake- to me now. and I know that's distrust created by -probably- only other people causing that impression, so I am inclined to believe the problem was really actually his own crippling lack of self-esteem... But like???

The only way this actually makes sense * to every part of my psyche* is if I buy into the idea that he equated sexual intimacy directly with love and personal intimacy with no line between the two, so seeking one and struggling with the other came off to him as setting him up for rejection... Which is the opposite of the impression I got from him. I distinctly have the impression we outright had conversations about how "normal people" equating those two things together was alienating to both of us. If pressed ai would have labelled him as demi the way I am then and now and would armchair diagnose him as also autistic. But that's the only way that "You'd made it clear that you didn't have any interest in being intimate with me (and I get why, I had many unresolved issues and was not pulling my weight), but still wanted me to pursue intimacy with the understanding the answer would be no, felt like a big Catch 22." direct quote, makes ANY fucking sense to me.

Maybe in the end he IS allosexual alloromantic and straight after all and did like me, and the only reason why he created the exact opposite impression was because he hated himself so fucking much he couldn't see over it. Maybe the dysphoria -for lack of a better term- of trying to have a relationship/sex as himself was just too much.

Everything else he had to say was an acknowledgement that I wasn't the problem and he was just too deep in his own head and negative self worth. Which yeah, actually feels a lot like closure on what the fuck was up because that aligns with what I suspected of the situation... But I had to just assume it and try to move on because until now he was a fucking clam... Or as he put it "I'm just seen as this horrible slug person"... Which *sigh* listen, this word is a fucking *choice*, and an ironic one, because a) he left himself open to the possibility of making the world's most hilariously bad typo given the context, and he should have more sense than that [I had him tested, his IQ, knowing it would be close to mine or higher and thinking that would help him, beyond jokes about numbers on paper I know he's clever], b) he knows I think slugs are cute, and c) he was actively jealous of one particular "slug man" -i remember this distinctly- who he knows I am attracted to, specifically, when he wasn't jealous of me liking any other fictional character for any period of time while we were together, not even the ones I actually felt qualified to make art or writing about, he just saw the affection I had for exactly one slug man and that was the fictional character that made him feel inadequate, much to my ongoing confusion... *deep breath* baby boy... The fuck? [part of me finds this word choice out of character and a little on the nose (and thus sus), but is this just a new thing people say now? We all remember the slug/slut typo post, yeah?]

Which... yeah, is just more "I couldn't go to you or engage with you as a person anymore because I had become convinced you were suddenly going to act like my abusers for no real reason I can articulate"...

And like, we had the conversation? We had the "baby boy is it just that you don't feel like sex anymore and you are afraid I'll be mad, we don't have to have sex if you don't like it" conversation!! Like I-

???? Self-loathing is a reality warping drug, and that's really the only closure I could have from this, IG???

I just... Everything else asides I am BAFFLED how "please spend time with me as a person and please tell me what would make you enjoy sex with me more" gets interpreted as "seek intimacy so I can reject you"... T~T ... i- I fucking MADE a maid's outfit, for myself, to wear, me, the "I was trying to look like a man before I knew I was trying to look like a man" and "I have to bargain with myself about skirts and makeup and act allergic to pink or anything feminizing" and "I won't wear a cat collar for fashion reasons because occasionally people think I am a sub because of it".. I- *stares into eternity* I tried...

The only thing that makes sense is that the moment he came to live under my roof he switched to mentally categorizing me as an authority figure instead of as his partner against the world... And just believed it so hard and so unconsciously nothing could ever unpack that.

So he acted like he couldn't stand me and was so paralyzed by insecurity he still needed me to take care of him and support him full time, because of how other people had treated him, and that's the closest I get to an answer.

And that's just that, I guess.

A large part of me speaking from well over 10 more year's experience insists that him cheating on me, and then just maintaining the charade catering to my expectations and sympathies [people have really fucked around on me okay?] makes way more rational sense than this... But self loathing isn't rational and I know that. If I can believe I ever had any accurate sense of his personality at all... I can believe this is him telling the truth. The insanely frustrating fucking truth.

If it was remotely appropriate or in context I would love him to give me a retrospective on why Piccolo dbz make him feel insecure when no other fictional men or women did [I was so confused by it at the time, he got really weird about it, when like I did way more art of Raziel and even Kisame? because hormones or smth happened to me on occasion]. But asking him that now feels mean and I don't think he'd have an answer anyway.

I'd also ask him questions to determine if he even ever noticed I had multiple personalities, but i also don't think that would be constructive, or get me anywhere, and might just make him feel bad for not paying attention to me.

Also, I either forgot just how often he refers to himself in third person or something during the pandemic broke him too. idk.

But like why it's so frustrating is it means the only reason why i didn't successfully save him from his family and build an amazing life for both of us, with him as my enthusiastic partner, in a blessedly cheap little apartment until I could buy us a house... Was because he was taking his trauma and self hatred out on me for reasons he can't even define. Like the fuck do you mean all that was that you felt unlovable? WE COULD HAVE HAD THE WORLD!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gods I hope he's in therapy.

T~T

And like you would think that the potential that everyone else not having lied to me about these things in particular would feel like some kind of answers or closure, but their behaviour otherwise makes this less impactful than you would assume. I mean I have to be relieved I'm probably not as bad at reading people as I was starting to fear???

I mean I feel a little better in general now? But also??????????????????

~*~

... So now I just wait to see if he can find my bloody passport, I guess.

... And I should order alcohol soon. Tomorrow maybe? Is it too late now?

Then this list:

Glue the one drawer from the dresser that pulled apart [because 1-2 drawers were never glued by me to begin with because they *seemed* to be holding in one piece too well]

Glue spice rack back together

Get the last 3-5 totes reorganized so I can get the last disorganized looking pile of stuff tidied up and out of the way

Get the things I am giving away gone and out of the apartment

make ramp [for spring, haha, late]

renew health card

renew chob

make apt about wrist lump

make ultrasound appointment for IUD now that I have my health card

Get back to the women's college hospital

[babycatlix]

hello friends! 💖 and happy new year! i hope 2023 is kind to us all! 

let’s just get into it! at the tail-end of 2021, i wasn’t really sure i was going to stay on tumblr. a lot of the friends i had made on my main and on another side blog had moved on from tumblr/we didn’t talk anymore. the few IRL friends i do have, i don’t follow on here bc i got rid of my old account (c. 2011) so i wasn’t really sure i was going to even be on tumblr during 2022. 

but then... march, 2022, my friend wanted to show me a music video. i wasn’t super jazzed but said “okay.” and he said, “have you heard of stray kids?” and me being into kpop for the better part of 16-ish years i said, “yes, i’ve heard of stray kids. i don’t stan, but i have heard of them.” fast forward a few weeks, he’s made me watch the maniac mv like 10 times and he thinks now is a good time to tell me, “by the way, stray kids is a self-producing group.” in case you didn’t know, i love groups that self-produce. see the other groups i love, bigbang, bts, seventeen, winner and ikon. so as soon as he said that, i was done for. i fell even deeper into kpop and fell into stray kids. 

in april, 2022 i decided that i should make a side blog for stray kids. i didn’t think it would grow into what it has. i just thought it would be like my itzy and blackpink side blogs, where i occasionally post some fan photos and other ppls creations. instead... i thought a good way for me to catch up on 4 years of content was to start giffing and here we are. i say this every time i do a follow forever, but i'm so happy here in my corner of stayblr. everyone is so kind and wonderful! and i want to thank everyone that shows my gifsets love! i'll tag some ppl below, but i want to mention a few special ppl to me first:

@yonglixx and @quokki my lovely sun ☀️ and ale! 💚 we may not talk a whole lot these days, life is busy and school is way too much, but you two were some of the first ppl on stayblr that i really talked to 💖 you guys were my first mutuals 😭🥰

@jinniebit ahhhh anna! we also don't talk a whole lot, but you are special to me! i followed you from your svt main and when i realized that you were here on stayblr, i plucked up my courage (i'm a huge chicken when it comes to interacting first! 🙈) and filled out your mutual form 💖 and i'm so glad i did!

@changbeens wonderful, amazing, talented bee! you mentioned me in your birthday follow forever and i was like, "how have i NOT seen them in my notifs?!" turns out, i was just blind, you were there all along. i love the way you express yourself and you never hesitate to stand up for your friends.

@sunnishine my sunshine 🥰 i'm so glad you were brave one day (i know it took a lot of courage and i'm proud of you 😭) and reblogged one of my gifsets, bc you gave me my own tag and an emoji to go with it 🥺 it was so cute and tbh... i was so nervous to tell you that i wanted a different emoji 😂 but i did and the rest is history.

okay, with the sappy emotional stuff out of the way, here are other ppl that i love a whole lot. if you're not following them, consider doing so! they're all so talented and wonderful! no special order, just alphabetical!

@agibbangs / @atinystraykid / @chanrizard / @chanstopher / @cheekyquokka / @freckledbbokkiee / @geniaparadox / @ggthydrangea / @hanjesungs / @hanjisoonie / @hyunchanz / @jerirose / @jisungs / @juiceofmoons / @jisungsjaistandjeekies / @khairemisthios / @lee--felix / @leefelex / @leenow / @minzbins / @missyedits / @nevoono / @seo-changbinnies / @skz-films / @snug-gyu / @straykidsgallery / @winterfloral

i love you all, you've made being here on stayblr so nice and wonderful! i would've done this sooner, but i worked both new years eve and new years day. but better late than never! i hope 2023 is kind to us all! 💖

[lost-girl-2021]

Update

Hey guys, thanks so much for all of the love so far! I had a little time yesterday to work on some stuff, but I'm out of town until Sunday night-ish, so I probably won't post a new chapter until Monday or so. My queue has been restocked, though, so they'll be some things to look at until I have time to work on the newest chapter. (Also, my friend who I'm staying with has a non-Covid cold, so if I get that I might be out of commission for a lil bit).

Also, just an FYI, nothing I'm saying should be taken all that seriously, the reason I have Tumblr is to share my thoughts and ideas, along with meeting people who share my interests. I'm not a part of the franchise, I'm not Mr. Cameron himself, nothing I say has any sway toward the movies lol. If you don't agree with something I write, that's fine, but I don't want to fight about it in the comments and I just won't.

That being said, I'm not calling anyone out/trying to make anyone feel bad and I do love all the comments and thoughts on my work. I'm fine disagreeing on points, I just have a problem when someone's trying to change my pov or pretend like they know me/my experiences or make me feel bad for a headcanon I have. It's not that deep, tbh. Someone recently kept trying to fight with me in my own comments and I just blocked them when it became clear they were looking to fight rather than looking to talk. Like, my dude, are you really so heated over fanfiction that you're going to waste your day trying to argue?

Lastly, for those of you still with me, my updates have become a little slower lately and I just wanted to explain why really quick. I've started school online and it's self-paced, so I'm trying to get it done ASAP so that I can get a job in the medical field and work on moving back to my home state. If anyone has any tips for studying/memorization/focusing, I'd really appreciate it, because I was kind of bad in high school and it's been a while since I've had to use my left-side brain for anything important. I'm still going to update and write, because it's a great de-stresser for me and something fun to do as a break between classes and I've really enjoyed talking/interacting with everyone on here and Ao3. Thanks for all of the notes and feedback!

T.K.

[every1sno1fangirl]

Happy Hifuumo Friday everyone! Today's post is a little late, but that's okay.

We're starting off with an unofficial sort of 'sequel' picture to a previous one. It feels appropriate, since I've chosen this time to go back to the same place.

Though this time, I've chosen to explore more areas of it—and there are still more of them that I have not given how big it is. But next week I will be going somewhere else entirely (I'm not sure where yet though!)

Specifically, I'm going on a very belated birthday lunch with my Grandma because she hadn't realized mine had passed. I asked her if she wanted to join me for one of my trips in doing so, and she said that she would do her best to keep up with me despite her age.

So I want to pick somewhere nice and small-ish, so she won't be walking very much.

She's one of the few people I know IRL (Not that there are many) who even knows about these trips. She thought they were very cute and good for me.

Speaking of and for those who have ever been curious about it; it seems like I walk roughly 3 miles on my trips.

Obviously that isn't as good as working out, but I think going out once a week and managing that is pretty respectable, don't you think?

Especially since I'm meeting so many cool people and seeing so many cool things. I'm getting better at taking photos too. When I was taking a picture of that buffalo statue someone said I should invest in getting an actual camera.

I don't think I will, simply because it's one more thing that could get lost on these trips and I'm a pretty forgetful person, but it made me smile all the same.

I would rather invest in stuff to make my existing camera (my phone) better as one.

Maybe a selfie stick to get different angles? Maybe a tripod so I could take videos without my shaky hands ruining them? I'm not sure...

It's something for me to think about.

So long as I keep having fun with this, that is all that matters. It's really helped me too, even if I still don't know what to do in social situations or around animals. Just how oppressive some of my anxieties could be stepping outside of my door are less so now.

When I was eating lunch a homeless woman was really insistent on talking to and hanging out with me. On some level I appreciated the company, especially when we had talked about how different the area has become. But on other levels...

Well, I declined the roll of quarters she tried to foist upon me and she muttered some stuff about Jesus & Armageddon and how I shouldn't trust anyone and how I would definitely need those quarters more than her 'sometime soon'.

She also tried to give me alcohol.

I kept my mouth shut considering who I am but ultimately it was still a good time, even if a mildly uncomfortable one near the end.

Ending the day with some fish and chips was still really nice though.

I love you all, I hope you have a great day/night!

As an aside, this is the only Jesus I recognize.

Iesua Nazarenus

She is from the fangame 'The Last Comer' and she has a really kick-ass theme called 'Mankind Salvation Plan ~ The Greatest Salvation'. It's a good game with a good representation of Jesus. You should check it out!

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 15: Strangers and Friends

This chapter brings us a new and exciting icon, by which I mean terrifying and awful. Speaking of awful, if you don't want to have literally every detail of this series spoiled, you should probably go somewhere else. I hate to see you go, but I'd hate your complaints even more so begone!

Anyway. Chapter icon. We get a sunburst which stands for the Whitecloaks, an organization that really feels like it should have stopped being a quirky miniboss squad by the halfway point but continued to haunt one of our heroes almost all the way to the end of his arc. This is the chapter where Mat pranks them, because early books Mat is very, very dumb.

With a sigh he tossed the pillow aside and sat up, wincing as he stretched. All the aches he thought had soaked out in the bath were back. And his head still hurt, too. It did not surprise him. A dream like that was enough to give anybody a headache. The others had already faded, but not that one.

Rand is blaming the wrong thing. It's been a week since he channeled at Bela to keep her going, so now he's feeling that lovely post-saidin hangover. This is also why he slept so late compared to everyone else.

“. . . my Cirri is a good cat,” the cook was saying sharply, “and I won’t hear a word otherwise, do you hear? Complaining about him doing his job too well, that’s what you’re doing, if you ask me.”

Cirri's not even the reason all the rats are dead, but I'd take the cook's side anyway. If a place has too many dead rats for your liking, blame the people who make the conditions for the rats to thrive in the first place, not the one thing keeping the bubonic plague at bay.

Also, considering how professional cooking is so often a man's job, I'm withholding criticism on how we're establishing a pattern of kitchens being a woman's place because at least Jordan is being more consistent in his divisions that actual western society manages to be. Hopefully we won't see any palace head cooks who are dudes to make me irate.

"...Cirri wouldn’t let so many get into the inn, he wouldn’t. It’s a clean place, too, and not one to be so troubled. And all with backs broken.” She shook her head at the strangeness of it all.

You know what, I'm shaking my head too. Of all the early book weirdnesses, this might be the weirdest one. Like... what? How? Why? Did Ish just have a bunch of rat corpses in the dreamshard he had to put somewhere? Is he literally so crazy he thinks this is scary?

It was what the gleeman had called Plain Chant, those nights beside the fire on the ride north. Stories, he said, were told in three voices, High Chant, Plain Chant, and Common, which meant simply telling it the way you might tell your neighbor about your crop. Thom told stories in Common, but he did not bother to hide his contempt for the voice.

I can't help but assume that High Chant wouldn't sound out of place in an extended reading of scripture at a Catholic Church or some such, while Plain Chant, based on what dialog we get from Thom, seems like it's dramatic in a radio serial sense.

Rand slowly lowered himself to the bed again. He licked his lips, then said quickly, “Did he kill a rat?”

Note how effortlessly Rand communicates with someone he trusts. Moiraine really, really, really, really shot herself in the foot over the last couple chapters. People talk about how this is a series where nobody communicates but the ta'veren trio are actually really good about it with each other and others they care about (and Nynaeve is usually good but sometimes the plot demands that she not talk about things that would interfere with the Seanchan Supremacy Subplot), it's just that the plot tears them apart so they can't be effective.

Perrin fell back on his pillow. “You’ve heard the stories about Aes Sedai. Do you think we can trust Thom? If we can trust anybody. Rand, if we get out of this alive, if we ever get back home, and you hear me say anything about leaving Emond’s Field, even to go as far as Watch Hill, you kick me. All right?”

I actually kinda wonder if Jordan intended for Watch Hill, named for a very obvious strategic purpose, to end up being Perrin's main base of operations in the area once he became king and for this comment to be ironic. Perrin would have to spend a lot of time touring up and down his territory, and even when he ends up back in the Two Rivers it's still not the home he knows, just as the others have to lose it too.

...or, based on revelations below, it's probably because he was never gonna get to go home at this point in the story. Lame.

Even at the height of Festival he had never seen so many people so jammed together. Not even half so many. And this was only one street. Master Fitch and the cook said the whole city was full. The whole city . . . like this? He backed slowly away from the gate, away from the street full of people.

It's okay Rand. I've been hella uncomfortable in crowded situations for a couple of years now myself. It's good the poor boy had Baerlon to help him adjust to the rest of the world, considering the sheer mass of humanity he's going to have to put up with on occasion.

Startled, Rand jumped to his feet. It was the crop-haired young woman who had been with Moiraine when he came out of the bath chamber, still dressed in a boy’s coat and breeches. She was a little older than he was, he thought, with dark eyes even bigger than Egwene’s, and oddly intent.

It's Min again! It's a shame she gives up the gender non-comformity to get into Rand's pants because having somebody who didn't give a fuck about the gender bindary in Gender Binary World and still get a distinct kind of magical powers anyway would have really future-proofed this series against the various sexual revolutions that Jordan did not foresee. Frankly, it's my headcanon, and it could be yours too for the low, low price of nothing at all!

“Mistress Alys, then, if you prefer,” Min said with an amused look that made his cheeks color. “There’s no one close enough to hear.”

Considering that Min will spend much of the back half of the series blatantly giving away Rand's confidence to anyone who asks, it's really no surprise that she's also really bad at keeping Moiraine's secrets too.

“When you’re all in a group? Sparks swirling around you, thousands of them, and a big shadow, darker than midnight. It’s so strong, I almost wonder why everybody can’t see it. The sparks are trying to fill the shadow, and the shadow is trying to swallow the sparks.”

Min vision #1: The party is diametrically opposed to the Shadow and both sides know it. They're critically important to the effort, but also represent the Light in distinct, individual ways. This one is obvious and needs no particular analysis, though I don't think Min ends up mentioning it down the road even when she's around multiple party members.

Min did not seem to notice his slip. “The girl? She’s part of it. And the gleeman. All of you. You’re in love with her.” He stared at her. “I can tell that even without seeing any images. She loves you, too, but she’s not for you, or you for her. Not the way you both want.”

Min vision #2: Rand and Egwene are not soul mates, but there's an implication that they are for each other in another way since they're only not for each other as soulmates. This ultimately comes true in Egwene's being instrumental in stopping Rand's misguided seal plan and solo martyrdom.

“When I look at her, I see the same as when I look at . . . Mistress Alys. Other things, things I don’t understand, too, but I know what that means. She won’t refuse it.”

Min vision #3: Egwene will embrace channeling. This comes true.

That said, she doesn't mention to Rand if she sees any channeling potential around him (though that may just be politeness), and in later books her ability to suss out channelers is the generic "They always have a lot going on around them while ordinary people sometimes just have a couple signs", so it's hard to say what's going on here. I have an idea for what she may be seeing specifically around Aes Sedai and Egwene, but it relies on an early book weirdness that is coming up...

“The War . . . ah . . . Master Andra has seven ruined towers around his head, and a babe in a cradle holding a sword, and. . . .”

...now! In this book and only this book, Min's visions reflect both past and future, so it may be that the thing she sees specifically around current Aes Sedai and also Egwene is being bound to the Oath Rod, which won't apply to Rand. Lan's omens - and Thom's - rely on their past, not their futures, so we'll skip over them.

The strongest things I see about the big, curly-haired fellow are a wolf, and a broken crown, and trees flowering all around him.

Min vision #who cares: Perrin will become a werewolf, end up the king of Saldaea, and no one knows. Some suggest it's another Saldaea thing, some say it's about the trees on the farm, I say it's something to do with Tinkers or the Ogier or both that never came to fruition because Jordan never figured out what to do with him or because he changed things around, as evidenced below:

And the other one—a red eagle, an eye on a balance scale, a dagger with a ruby, a horn, and a laughing face.

This just never stops being weird. This particular prophecy suggests that Jordan intended for Mat to be the guy reuniting Manetheren at this point! The eye on the balance scale is him saving Moiraine, the dagger is the dagger, the horn is the Horn, and the face is... another oddity. The Wiki suggests it could be how he relates the Dice to laughter (no) or Balthamel (even weaker, somehow). I myself have no idea, but will suggest that maybe the Seanchan had different iconography at this time or that the Mat/Fain conflict was intended to be relevant at this point and just never was.

A sword that isn’t a sword, a golden crown of laurel leaves, a beggar’s staff, you pouring water on sand, a bloody hand and a white-hot iron, three women standing over a funeral bier with you on it, black rock wet with blood—

Callandor, the crown of Illian, the time he went and pouted in Seanchan territory, the lake he makes at Rhuidean, the hand he loses and [see below], the harem being really bad at pretending he's dead, Shayol Ghul.

In early drafts, Rand's lost hand was by royal decree of Morgase (who had Elayne elements at the time) and the white-hot iron was related to that. The Wiki tries to introduce the heron markings as a substitute, but I'm going to be bold and offer my own desperate patch to canon: Min doesn't know what balefire is yet and is just giving her best explanation for it.

(For anyone offended by "#who cares" because the answer is them, this is technically #8.)

“Most of all, I see lightning around you, some striking at you, some coming out of you. I don’t know what any of it means, except for one thing. You and I will meet again.” She gave him a quizzical look, as if she did not understand that either.

This is just all the Power that gets flung around when Rand enters the country, and of course the inevitability of their romance, which Min will utterly destroy herself to see fulfilled and then spend several books destroying Rand in subconscious vengeance for. I'll talk more about how their romance might have been improved in terms of the whole arc of the series when we get to it.

“Run, if you want,” she called after him. “You can’t escape from me.” Her laughter sped him across the stableyard and out into the street, into the hubbub of people. Her last words were too close to what Ba’alzamon had said.

Twu wuv!

But most of the people did not look any different from those he had grown up with, not in dress or in face. He had expected they would, somehow. Indeed, some of them had so much the look of the Two Rivers in their faces that he could imagine they belonged to one family or another that he knew around Emond’s Field.

Considering how canonically inbred the Two Rivers folk are, this actually is genuinely surprising and not just Rand being a racist country boy.

The man’s eyes were sunken and his dirty face gaunt, as if he had not eaten or slept in days, but Rand could swear. . . . 

Oh dear, Fain is here. Worse still, Rand tells him exactly where everyone's staying, because Lan's warnings to trust no one mean nothing. In Rand's defense, he mistakes Fain's entirely deserved misery for having spent the last week fleeing like they have, but still.

“Aaaaah! She’s . . . she’s the Aes Sedai, is she?” A guarded look came over Fain’s face. “Maybe, though. . . .” He paused, licking his lips nervously. “How long will you be at this—What was it? What did you call it?—the Stag and Lion?” “We leave tomorrow,” Rand said. “But what does that have to do with—?”

But I've got nothing for Rand here except maybe post-channeling stupidity but even that's stretching it. Especially when Rand promises not to tell the scary, half-crazed dude who he doesn't like all that much not to tell Moiraine about him.

“Mat?” People still streamed by without paying them any heed, but Rand lowered his voice anyway, and leaned closer. “Mat, did you have a nightmare last night? About a man who killed a rat?”

To balance out Rand's overall stupidity, points again for actually communicating with his friends about what's going on. And since Mat specifically names the ferry as why he doesn't trust Moiraine, points from her for being a bad communicator overall.

“A dagger with a ruby, eh?” Mat said. “I like that. I don’t know about the eye, though. Are you sure she wasn’t making it up? It seems to me she would know what it all means if she really is a soothsayer.”

Instance number one of Min's prophecies being potentially self-fulfilling. Would Mat have taken anything from Shadar Logoth if he hadn't know it was his destiny to have a ruby-hilted dagger?

Rand stared after him, knowing he should do something. That look in Mat’s eyes always meant one of his tricks. But oddly, he found himself looking forward to whatever Mat was going to do. Something told him that feeling was wrong, that it was dangerous, but he smiled in anticipation anyway.

Post-channeling hangovers seem like the absolute worst. Mat has no excuse and I should be giving him shit for this but if Rand hadn't been accompanying him he would have gotten to fuck with the Whitecloaks at no cost to anyone.

The narrow-faced man glanced at Rand’s sword hilt again—the bronze heron was plain—and his eyes widened momentarily. Then his gaze rose to Rand’s face, and he sniffed dismissively. “He is too young. You are not from this place, yes?” he said coldly to Rand. “You come from where?”

Dain, you'd explode if he told you the truth. It's good that all three of our boys make Dain miserable at one point or another, I have to say. Shame Mat and Rand didn't get more opportunities to do so.

Bornhald turned his attention back to Rand. The light of knowing burned in his eyes. “Darkfriends do not escape us, youngling, even in a town that stands in the Shadow. We will meet again. You may be sure of it!”

Dain, odds are very good that there are several Darkfriends in your party, and worse still Padan Fain is running around and you're going to cause him exactly zero problems. Still though, let the record show that Rand has now fucked up the group's downtime in two different ways, all thanks to the magic of being ta'veren. Bro's probably so happy after AMOL to walk into a town and not immediately meet everyone of importance.

It was Mat who began disjointedly telling Thom about the dream and their worry over whether or not to tell Moiraine, but Rand joined in, for there were differences in exactly how they remembered it. Or maybe each dream was a little different, he thought. The major part of the dreams was the same, though.

It would be pretty weird if all three of you reacted to things in the same way. Was Ish doing them all in sync, or did he do them one after the other?

Mat snorted. “I could tell you about Children of the Light,” he said with a wry look at Rand.

Thom of course just assumes Mat's being an idiot and doesn't follow up on this, because sadly he doesn't realize just how much worse the situation is. And of course he's focused on Ba'alzamon, not the kids.

“The other lad! You say he had the same dream? Does he have sense enough to keep his mouth shut?” “I think so,” Rand said at the same time that Mat said, “We were going back to the inn to warn him.” “The Light send we’re not too late!”

Thom doesn't hear the word yes and assumes the worst. Thankfully, Perrin spent the whole day sick. What is up with that and him having headaches too? Does Wolfbrotherhood come on you like channeling? Did he reach out to the wolves accidentally on Bel Tine and now his body's reacting to the psychic stress on delay?

“We had to talk to somebody or go crazy,” Rand said.

Sadly, from now on, Rand is choosing to go crazy.

That brought them all up short. They exchanged glances, drew deep breaths, and marched inside as if to face Trollocs.

The fact that they put Nynaeve on the same tier of threatening as Trollocs is both hilarious and entirely accurate. In the next chapter, we'll see her again at last!

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity! I hope you are doing well. I am going to try to make this submission as articulate as possible!! I am not sure what's going on and I guess I didn't realize how much things have changed since I developed burnout from working/committing myself to too many things.

So I'm an ESFJ who is normally pretty EFJ-ish but recently I think I have become like an unhealthy INxP. I used to find so much joy in all of my social activities and could push down any feelings of annoyance in service of the other person, but lately it's like all of my thoughts that are negative about others are impossible to push down and I feel like such a bad and judgmental person. It's also so difficult to maintain contact with people, which is REALLY not my normal state. It takes so much energy to do so, and I used to be high energy but now everything about me is like an unhealthy INP 9. I feel like a bad friend and I wish I could tell everyone that it's not them, it's me who's depleted and I apologize a thousand times over. I wish I could be 'on' for people again, and also for myself. Also I have seen people post about their problems and normally I wouldn't give reaching out and helping a second thought but now I am more hesitant to drop everything and help and am more likely to scroll by. Every time I catch myself like this I am so disappointed in myself and feel like other people would be really disappointed in me/won't think I'm nice anymore. I feel like this isn't doing good things to my relationships and I just want to get back on my feet and be there for everyone again. I feel like I am becoming someone lazy and not engaged which is the opposite of who I want to be. I'm not even a 2, so I don't know what it is. I'm also not a 9, so I'm even more confused :(

You are still extremely Fe. Read what you sent me again and notice how it's constantly about how you should be up and supportive for other people, how not helping those in need is a bad thing to do, what other people are going to think/feel about you, etc. That's EFJ. For an unhealthy IFP, no one exists but them in a narcissistic void.

It sounds as if you are exhausted and need time to rest. That's all. Do that, opt out of a lot of your social commitments, and spend some time doing the things you truly love to do (as separate from other people -- what are your favorite books/movies/etc?) to replenish your energy levels, and your desire to interact with people will return. You may also need to deal with some feelings of frustration, anxiety, depression -- whatever arises, allow yourself to sit with them and feel them without passing judgment on them or pushing them away from yourself. It's not wrong/bad to have negative thoughts about people provided you do nothing to hurt them with it.

I don't know what you type as, but 2 is certainly in your tritype if not your core... all this self-judgment about not being "on" for people all the time and feeling guilt not for thinking well of them, and thinking they won't think you are "nice" anymore if you don't help them...

[raspberry-pudding]

6/3/2024

It's been a very long time since I've posted. I just haven't thought about this account much over the past two-ish months.

I'm in a rough position. I mean, I don't know, I feel like it's rough but I know everything is gonna work out completely fine. Work has made me start smoking 4 joints a day, including smoking throughout my shift now. But I don't have to worry about that anymore because yesterday was my last day there. I've already been able to cut it back down to 2 joints a day, plus some of a bowl at bedtime.

More weed waffling below the cut, as always.

Honestly, I've been so distracted with work that I haven't noticed the negative impacts weed has had on me lately. Which, I don't like because it makes doing it feel more okay to me. If feel likes I'm smoking just to be okay with being alive and I'm sick of feeling that way. Not every day is like this, but the hard ones are.

Sorry if this post sounds a little groggy or weird in language, I've been up awhile and am drinking coffee, but my brain just still isn't here yet. I like writing things out in the morning, though, because it takes me away from accidentally getting stuck on my phone -- which has also been a terrible issue lately. Generally, I can keep myself away from my phone pretty easy because I don't like the notifications or being talked to. But I have been struggling a lot with not going on TikTok and Instagram, and the tendency to go on these apps increases when I'm stoned for sure. I can just zone out on the apps and not even realize what's happening until hours later -- I hate that shit.

I quit my job. Because I started doing a work from home job instead and it was going really great for a month. Until I was told that the company would no longer prioritize relocating me to new projects in the future. So, I could get more work in the future but it sounds unlikely. I quit my job so I could do this one more instead -- it used my degree, it paid well, I thought I was doing really well at it because all my feedback was good. But now, I don't have a job, and while my fiancé and I can live on his check fine, I really liked making money and having my own money to pay for student loans.

My fiancé tells me to look at it all as a blessing in disguise. I'll just say what my job was, why does it matter? I feel so paranoid about someone on here knowing who I am but this blog has literally been nothing but me speaking into the void. I worked at a Starbucks for the past 6 months and at first it was fantastic. I joined a new location and was able to get one on one training before the place opened, so I really got the recipes down and everything. But I stayed about 3 or 4 months longer than I really should have. I loved making drinks, I loved being with my coworkers, but what I didn't love was management and the fact that me and two other girls were always stuck doing everything in that place. I love my coworkers -- but damn, a lot of them did not do a single thing. I didn't even work as much as everyone else and the few days I did work I was carrying the whole weight of the place on my back. Sometimes I got stuck as the only person there and would jump between register, making drinks, making food, and doing prep all at the same time -- I'm so happy we didn't have a drive thru at this location. But I would literally do everything back there, and I think my breaking point was that my manager still acted like what I was doing wasn't enough for her. Not to mention, I'm not a person who has their phone out when they work and I got yelled at for handing someone my phone to watch one video I was talking about while I made the one and only drink order we had. Meanwhile, my coworkers are blatantly on TikTok behind the counter and they don't get anything said to them.

Fuck, this post about recovering from weed just turned into a waffle about my work. But this place is what's made my consumption so awful lately. I forgot the point too -- that maybe this is all a blessing in disguise for me. I was looking for any reason at all to quit. I was busting my ass every day I went in and the manager was starting to treat me like shit more and more -- like I can't do anything right and that I'm a new problem for her to conspire getting rid of. Which, she did with others, conspiring ways to make them quit or get fired and it kept working; and when her attitude with me started changing in this way I knew I was next anyway. I don't even understand why she keeps doing it; someone does something very little that she doesn't like and instead of talking to them, her and the assistant manager just conspire to get rid of them. Until we're short staffed as fuck -- we've been running on 6 employees per day at work when we should have double that because she keeps trying to get rid of people. But then she doesn't wanna hire anyone new because she doesn't want to train them. Well, me and my best friend quit on the same day so now they're so short staffed they have to hire people, because not enough people are there to give days off.

My fiancé has been tired of me coming home for lunch and just breaking down crying and screaming every day. And he's right about how a shitty, minimum wage ass job shouldn't leave me that way. Maybe the purpose of the other job was just to prove that I can find something better and a reason to get away from Starbucks. I really don't know the purpose of any of it right now.

I guess I'm just glad to be away from that place. I'm sad about it because I genuinely liked the work and my coworkers, but I didn't like getting stuck with every part of the job by myself only to get yelled at that I'm still not doing good enough. I guess it's easy to see why I started smoking at work and went up to 4 joints a day.

I really do think now that I'm away from that place, being able to get a handle of how much weed I'm smoking will improve. Like I said, I've already brought it back down to 2 joints a day. I also haven't been enjoying the way weed makes me feel lately, it's more like a headache than anything else. And of course, I think it's a big source of my laziness and procrastination that I used to not have at all before smoking.

I've tried this journey so many times, but I feel really good about this go around. I think I can really do good this time. I've waffled so long today. Thanks for listening.

Iris🪻