#i know i say a lot of personal shit on this blog and overshare and act unhinged like i'm just saying whatever crosses my mind

[atissi]

another year of progress! since my birthday is right before the new year, i always associate my personal growth with my previous age. i think i’m happy with how I grew as a 20-year-old...more than just improving my anatomy and style, i’m learning to be more comfortable existing outside of my own head. i like looking at other people’s art summaries, so i thought i’d post mine (even if i’m pretty fucking embarrassed to look at my old pieces.......lol)

in 2023, i want to do more environments, get more comfortable with painting different body types, post my writing, and feel less awkward talking about myself. along with my academic and career goals of course :P

here’s to the new year! 🎉

[wahbegan]

U gotta stop leading her on. Idk either of you but it's easy to tell what's happening and I've been seeing it for a while. I think u feel like her attention is a boost to ur ego but it's very harmful to her bc u will drop her the moment someone "better" comes along. In the long run she will be better off if u weren't in her life and u should stop messing her around n causing her harm. Leave her alone.

Genuinely, I appreciate what you're trying to do for Kris but like on the other hand you don't know us, you're missing a lot of context, you're building a narrative based on....uhh not even her side of our friendship, bits and bobs of her side as relayed in fragmented sadposts on her fucking tumblr, this is something we have spent HOURS discussing, and i DO happen to know that she won't appreciate this soooooooooo y'know maybe keep your face out of our business xoxo

[useyourwordsdarling]

Hey, I hope this isn't too rude considering you already have an effing mountain of asks in your inbox, but I wanted to express my gratitude. No pressure to respond; I just hope you see it, and it makes you smile. Just read the pink out of this word salad; my kink is that I feel the need to explain my reasoning like a proper STEM idiot.

(below explaining why I'm thanking you essentially)

Probably oversharing here, but:

For the last two years or so, I've started to believe that the only men who would accept me were those that needed me as their therapist rather than a partner. I don't mean just listening to them; I mean them struggling with mental health crises and me having to pick up the pieces like the empathetic dumbass I am (and them being too scared to call the hospital). These are just the sort of people I seem to attract. As you can imagine, that did wonders for my self-worth and future perception of people who hit on me.

I already consider myself an eccentric woman. Among other things, my libido often feels insatiable. I write smut both on and off tumblr, the latter of which is some of the most nonsensical, most embarrassing, most bizarre shit I have ever written. 783 pages since 2020, the last 100 pages of which have been me realizing I have a deep-seated desire to be a cocksleeve. It's hard enough to tell people how much I care about having a healthy, passionate sexual relationship without bringing any of that into the mix.

(end explanation, TL;DR I attract shitty men and am insecure as hell about my own sexual preferences.)

All of that has made me despair on numerous occasions that I will ever get to know someone who both actually loves me and wants to fuck the absolute shit out of me.

But blogs like yours have lifted me out of that hellhole of anxiety more than once. Seeing both your own fantasies and the way you respond to your asks makes me feel like I'm not doomed to a relationship where I will have to sacrifice a large part of myself for the other person's sake. It makes me think: "People like this exist somewhere."

Thank you for being a dom that cares about your sub, and thank you for sharing on this blursed platform where I could see you.

Side (less wholesome) note: Yes, you have provided a lot of fuel for my smut pieces, and I am officially blaming you for the fact that there are now 446 fucking instances of the word "Daddy" in my most recent collection.

I appreciate how much effort you put into making this. And as another STEM idiot I love the way you made your reasoning. Also to be clear I love asks, I just have a hard time replying to many at once, but I appreciate them a lot.

And as to you attracting shitty men, I understand how exhausting and how heavy it might be the burden to carry the responsibility over someone’s mental health issues. But I think that also says a lot about your character, how you’re someone who’s really caring. Who wants to help these people, which is an amazing thing but it can be problematic if you don’t set boundaries. Which is a hard thing to do (I know because I’m bad at that…) it’s healthy to focus on your own mental health, your own problems. Especially when we have very little energy left.

And you aren’t doomed for that type of relationship I believe. And I hope you eventually find the right person who’ll love you and not make you responsible over their mess (and also fuck the shit out of you, fingers crossed). So it’s just a matter of time

Side (even less wholesome) note: I’d be lying if I said part of me isn’t curious about those 446 instances now..

[daytaker]

The Gang's Tumblr Pages

Inspired by this and my own reaction to it.

Lucifer

Perfectly curated, perfectly formatted, and whenever there's a major change to the tumblr format, he simply leaves the website altogether in a huff of peacock feathers.

Lots of HD photography of nature getting reblogged.

Has an extremely complicated and specific list of tags he uses for every single post.

He only reblogs text posts that are sufficiently visually appealing. Very few meet his high standards.

You could look through his entire blog and not learn one single thing about him except that he's a perfectionist to the point of neurosis.

He has a lot of professional art blogs following him.

Mammon

Oversharing oversharing oversharing!!!!

He regularly gets himself in trouble by shouting about the shit he's done into the void of the internet.

Tried to have a tagging system but forgets about 7/10 times.

Reblogs himself all the time to say "AND ANOTHER THING!!!"

He hates looking at the actual blog pages. The text is always so tiny and some of them start playing music and changing his mouse into a weird shape? No thank you.

He has very few followers and he doesn't really care. Who goes on tumblr for the social element? Weirdos, that's who.

He's insanely easy to troll with anonymous asks. Everyone has done it. Even Lucifer, though he wouldn't admit it.

Some of his best asks:

"did u just post that you're okay with the idea of ponies and unicorns breeding. like no shade on that conceptually but why."

"If you reblog another 'reblog this for good luck' post, I will personally break down your door and steal your skin."

"ur ugly" "yeah-huh" "ugly" "no i won't 'come off anon and fight u' whhy don't you come ON anon and fight me?" "'i don't know how' sounds like something a chicken would say"

Leviathan

He just makes a blog like one of us. Fandom stuff.

Except he's multifandom to the extreme. It's impossible to keep track of his interests because he always has so many simultaneously.

He has the most followers of the brothers just because he gets so deep into so many fandoms that they come rolling in.

He has blocked all of his brothers except for the twins. They're okay.

His blog is a chaotic mess but there is order within the madness. He has a masterpost of tags that explains everything if you care to look at it. (I don't recommend it.)

Satan

It feels stupid to even put this in writing but...cat pics. Endless cat pics. That's like 90% of his blog.

The other 10% is a mixture of book recommendations and analysis, Lucifer shade, and a comprehensive, ever-expanding list of shit Lucifer has done to make Satan angry. It's a very long list. It's organized by theme.

"Lucifer inflicts unjust punishments." "Lucifer makes unnecessary snide remarks." "Lucifer simping for Diavolo and MC (pathetic)."

His blog itself is very minimalist and clean.

He's another fastidious tagger. He tags the cat pics by color, breed, age, number of cats, setting...

Asmodeus

He's not very into tumblr. It's like Devilgram but more complicated and less popular.

Sometimes he'll post or reblog 'aesthetic' things. Moodboards and the like.

In general though, he doesn't really 'get' tumblr.

People don't post selfies very often. Weird.

Beelzebub

Food blog.

Just food.

Reblogging hot dogs.

Reblogging nachos.

Reblogging ice cream.

Nothing else. Ever.

Belphegor

"This minimalist Tumblr has no posts."

No posts.

Default profile picture.

Sometimes he'll like something.

Usually he just looks at it.

Diavolo

There is no order. Only chaos.

He hardly ever uses it, then he'll come online and reblog a million things that have nothing to do with each other. Then he'll go silent again.

He has no tagging system.

He has no custom theme.

He is very friendly to all anonymous askers though.

Barbatos

Barbatos would never have a tumblr. Don't be ridiculous.

Solomon

He only posts very rarely. He prefers to lurk.

When he does post, it's something weird as fuck, like reblogging statistics about owl pellet contents.

He likes to keep people on their toes.

Simeon

Reblogging inspirational quotes, pictures of nature, and general positivity.

That is, once he figures out how the website works.

That takes a really long time.

What is a queue? What are tags? Why is it called a "reblog"? How does he track activity? How does he navigate the homepage? Why does it post things in such a strange order? What is a "Blaze"? What is a draft? Custom URL? Custom Theme? Sideblogs? Mass Post Editor?

Someone please help him.

Solomon probably does that.

Luke

Baking.

He uses tumblr for recipes and images of baked goods.

But tumblr isn't even the best place to go for that, so he isn't on very often.

He sometimes likes Simeon's posts, just as a show of support since he knows how hard Simeon works to post anything anywhere.

[famemonsterrr]

Astrology observations part 13;

Pliz don’t copy my work and pliz don’t get offended if you can’t relate with my blog because they are my opinions and what I have seen around me

➶-͙˚ ༘✶

; I have noticed when you and ur partner have 8th house placements you tend to be really obsessed with each other even if you have broke up u probably can’t move on that easily. ✩

For example if you have Venus in the 8th house and your partner has mars in the 8th house or if you both have more than one of 8th house placements. This is could be a blessing or a curse ✩ I have seen this happening multiple times

; speaking of houses and couples/friends ✩ if you have the same houses then it means you have the same energy and understand each other really well ✩

; I don’t know it is me and all of my friends but libra moon are the most talkative out of the air signs ✩ They never stop communicating and sharing everything with their loved one✩ also they tend to overshare a lot ✩

; Virgo women are soo talented in everything without trying hard ✩ Let’s just say they are naturally talented but also they love to be perfect ✩

; air and fire signs can’t stay calm under serious situations ✩ water and earth signs are the ones who can deal with everything and stay strong no matter what ✩

; I know it’s overrated to say but never trust a men that is a Gemini or have Gemini placements ✩ from my personal experiences all the Gemini I had interactions or flirted with they end up being so psychotic ✩

➶-͙˚ ༘✶

; maybe it’s a mutable thing but I have noticed that Gemini, Pisces, Virgo and Sagittarius tend to have a hobby and then leave it for no reason and after few months they remember it again and get addicted ✩

Speaking of mutable signs I have to mention how funny it is that they try something new and they fail so badly. I’m a Pisces and I love cooking but the amount of times I have failed and burned food…on the other hand my bestie who is cancer she can do everything without trying hard.

; I know a lot will disagree with me but Aquarius placements either they will love astrology or they will say it’s stupid and they don’t believe it ✩

; you might not agree but the most dark and deepest out of all the zodiac signs is Scorpio ✩ They just are- and I remember once I asked a friend of mine who has Scorpio placements "what colour matches with the feeling of love?" and he answered "black because love is consuming and deep" ✩

; we all know that libra, Gemini and Aries are the most indecisive creatures but y’all forgot about Pisces ✩ THEY CANT decide anything ever ✩

; in my head libra and Pisces relationship is like Pam and Jim from the office ✩

; also two Pisces being in relationship reminds me of Ken and barbie from life in the dream house ✩ ironically both of them are Pisces indeed ✩

; 8th house and Scorpio placements tend to change friends every 2 years and that happens because themselves their are changing and so does the people who surround them ✩ These placements are about rebirth and involving ✩

; Gemini and Pisces are the signs who can’t end a show or movie ✩ like my mom she can’t watch a movie ✩ 3 minutes in and she has stopped watching it already ✩

; Leo , Capricorn and Virgo they look they have their shit together because they look so organised and "perfect" but they aren’t at all ✩ most the times are a mess but they know how to hide it better than the rest ✩ Leo with their confidence, Virgo with their clean and organised space and Capricorn with their decisive character ✩ I know u losing ur mind babes xoxo ✩

; water rising have the most beautiful eyes ever they look like they sparkling ✨

That’s all 💙

Thank you for reading so far and liking my blog ✩ I’m really grateful ✩ plz take into consideration that I’m not a professional astrologer and neither a Native American so I try my best to not make mistakes ✩ stay hydrated and health in these summer days ✩ send you love and light for y’all

Also here is my master-list if you are interested 💙

[iguessitsjustme]

What’s been going on with me?

No one asked but this is the oversharing website and well. I’ve always treated my blog like my own personal diary. For those of you who know me irl, feel free to ignore. You either already know or you I’m planning on telling you when I get the chance (only you get more details then what I’ll post online). Under the cut for length and other reasons.

I debated posting this but I am incapable of shutting up and telling everyone my business. Well sort of. Obviously, I don’t go into a lot of detail but I share what I’m comfortable telling strangers online.

I had something happen roughly a month ago that massively triggered my ptsd. I also had a whole lot going on in my personal life and I decided to take a break from tumblr for about a week. That break was great. But it became clear not long after I came back from my week break that it wasn’t long enough. Now, if we’re mutuals it’s likely that you’ve noticed I haven’t exactly taken a full break from tumblr and I’ve been here lurking and liking. But I definitely took a break from posting. June and July are already extremely rough months for me mentally and there were things about being on tumblr that made me feel…not great. So I decided to take a step back for myself. I also cut down on the amount of shows I’m watching. I had to place a lot of shows on hold because I no longer had the brain space for them. I’m planning on watching them when I have the time and capacity though.

I have also been…physically ill. I don’t talk about it a whole lot on here but I am chronically ill and it doesn’t often flare up and it doesn’t often flare up bad enough to impact my life but I can honestly say that the month of July has been one of the toughest months of my life. (Please don’t worry about me, I have a rock solid support system and I am doing okay.)

But as a result of my ptsd being triggered and my mental health tanking so severely, I really sat with why tumblr was contributing to this. And I had to come to a decision. I realized that over the past few years, in an attempt to make my blog as safe a space as possible for everyone, I have turned myself into a doormat. I have said before that it is a struggle for me to be kind because my natural state of being is to be mean. So I’ve decided that I’m just gonna be myself. I am going to be mean. That’s not to say that I’m going to go out of my way to be mean and rude and cruel to people. What I mean is, I’m gonna stop pulling punches if people come to me. If you do something weird, I am going to call a spade a spade and call you on it. My motto in real life and now on tumblr is “don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.” Before I can make my blog a safe space for others, I need to make it a safe space for me. Because I was very close to deactivating my blog and never turning back. BL tumblr can be a wonderful community and I genuinely love it with all my heart (why I am still here and did not deactivate) but dear god we all need to stop policing each other. It’s one thing to have boundaries and it’s entirely another to tell people if they don’t post the way you do, that they’re wrong. If you come on my blog, if you interact with me in some way, you do not get to control what I say, how I say it, or how I post. By all means, if I am being problematic, call me on that shit. But if all we have is a difference of opinion, you don’t get to say shit. That’s not to mean that we can’t have a difference of opinion, but if you in any way imply that I am wrong to be sharing my opinion in any way, then congrats, you’ll see what I’m like when I’m mean. (To be clear, I have a whole list of blocked people now but tumblr is shit so I still see some toxic shit here because tumblr’s blocking system is ass. and before you tell me to use xkit, I do on my laptop but that doesn’t help if I’m on my phone.)

So now that I’ve said…all that. I want to share two things from the past week or so:

I saw Deadpool & Wolverine twice. Those two did definitely fuck in that van. The soundtrack slapped and I’m not just saying that because Stray Kids has a song…somewhere…in that movie. Apparently. Also their song for the movie goes SO HARD. Check out Slash by Stray Kids and then tell me your thoughts.

Speaking of Stray Kids. I saw them at Lollapalooza yesterday! They were GREAT. I was not. I felt wholey unwell the whole time. I am too introverted, too old, and too ill for music festivals. But if you get a chance to see some clips of the performance…just think of me, in the crowd, screaming despite feeling not too hot. (And when I say ill I mean my chronic illness not that I went to a crowded place with a contagious disease). I made a new friend there and I got to see them perform so many songs live. I don’t have a lot of videos or photos of the performances because I was too busy being entranced but I will say that I didn’t know I had to see Super Bowl live until I did. I did not realize I bad I wanted it. And seeing Back Door and God’s Menu live was simply a dream come true. I was close to tears but I held back because I needed to be able to SEE.

And speaking of lolla…one of the bands I saw there (same stage as Stray Kids) is Sundial and they are just…delightful. Wonderful stage presence and a fuckton of talent and if you are looking for some new music/new artist to check out, I HIGHLY recommend. They had a new fan out of me before the first song even ended.

I don’t have much else to add. As always you are welcome to DM me, reply, or send me things to my ask box but energy will be matched. If you’re kind and understanding and approach me genuinely, we’ll get on well. I have made some truly amazing friends here. I mean this when I say that my mutuals are really some of the greatest people on the planet and they deserve all of the love in the world. I love you all so much that I couldn’t leave despite how close I came to leaving. I also would like to add that despite all of the above, I am genuinely and truly fine. I will start posting again and annoy you all with my unhinged thoughts yet again <3

[coffin-hopping]

BLOG INTRO !! ( ´ཀ` )

yo, I’m ray/lopez/adrian

DONT FORGET YOUR DAILY CLICKS

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DONATE ESIMS

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MORE WAYS TO HELP PALESTINE

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I do not have funds to donate due to having a lack of financial independence, but I try to make up for that by sharing campaigns

HOMESTEADING INFO

— TAGS —

writing: #rays.fountain.pen

yapping: #rays.forked.tongue

drawing: #rays.crayons

deranged Malevolent ramblings: #malev.posting

stuff about Arthur Lester I’m too embarrassed to main tag: #arthur.posting

talking about racism and my experience as a brown man on tumblr: #ray.being.brown.n.angry

vent tag (contains a lot of discussion surrounding csa so block that tag if you don’t want to see that): #ray.vents

— ABOUT ME —

𖤐 names i go by: ray/raymond, lopez, angel, ricky, gage, coff, adrian, (and more to be added!) (go wild with this one)

𖤐 agender, trans

𖤐 they/it/he (I mostly prefer “he” and “it” rn)

𖤐 bisexual, aromantic, aceflux

𖤐 mexican-american

𖤐 agnostic

𖤐 minor (adults are allowed here ofc I don’t mind, but I ask to have my boundaries respected

— MY lNTERESTS —

𖤐 I love writing, playing guitar, drawing, and fashion

𖤐 SHOWS: Workaholics, What We Do In The Shadows, Blue Eye Samurai, American Dad, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Bojack Horseman, Futurama, Breaking Bad, Gravity Falls, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

𖤐 MOVIES: Jennifer’s Body, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, The Menu, Hereditary, Scream, Saw, Kill Bill, American Mary, Little Nicky, Scary Movie, Elvira, The Endless, Beaches, Mermaids, Beetlejuice

𖤐 MUSIC: Deftones, My Chemical Romance, A Perfect Circle, Insane Clown Posse, Kendrick Lamar, Isaiah Rashad, Queen Latifah, Mars Argo, Orgy, A Skylit Drive, Kreayshawn, Lil Uzi Vert, Death Grips, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dystopia, Tyler The Creator

𖤐 GAMES: Danganronpa, The Sims, Sally Face, Fear n Hunger, Life Is Strange, As Dusk Falls, Call of Duty

𖤐 OTHERS: Jerma985, Malevolent podcast, Frenemies podcast

— BLOG BOUNDARIES —

𖤐 radfems and terfs just know that I hate you specifically, I will fist fight all of you at once idgaf — same goes for any of y’all who rb or repost that shit, you are my enemy and I WILL fist fight you

𖤐 any bigotry is not gonna slide here (queerphobia/exclusion, ableism, misogyny, racism, etc.)

𖤐 ngl I don’t rlly care if you’re a “proshipper” or an “antishipper” or any of those labels just. no fighting bc I find that corny asf, I dabble in taboo stuff sometimes but I don’t personally consider myself a proshipper👍

𖤐 I don’t fuck with creepy shit. I’ve seen pedos on this site and I’m not gonna stand for that. do not fucking interact with this blog if that’s what you’re here for.

𖤐 this section isn’t necessarily a dni but I am so fucking serious when I say do not interact with my blog if you are a tcc (true crime community) blog or someone who is in that circle. I don’t care if you “don’t condone” bc the amount of racist teenagers in that community is actually ridiculous😭

𖤐 don’t be an asshole, essentially. we’re here to chill and have fun and some of y’all are allergic to that apparently.

𖤐 spam liking/rb is okay lol don’t stress about it

𖤐 if I am uncomfortable with something I will say so, otherwise don’t stress about how you interact with me, any engagement is appreciated + I’m not discomforted easily

𖤐 interacting with my vent/personal posts is fine too! I don’t mind

— MY lSSUES BC I LOVE OVERSHARING —

𖤐 addict

𖤐 eating disorder (FULL RECOVERY MADE!!!🖤)

𖤐 borderline personality disorder

𖤐 lactose intolerant (it’s getting notably bad but I’ll die before I become a beta almond milk drinking cuck) (I have to beat the soy boy allegations you don’t understand)

𖤐 ocd

𖤐 autism

𖤐 ^ selective mutism

𖤐 glasses-haver (lost them and now I get headaches all the time hhhhh)

I stand with Palestine .

fuck all cops .

[muffimtv]

tihesocyh

all of them except any youre uncomfy with i know its 40 pls

POEASE

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?- my friends, my relationship with gender, and my art

show us a picture of your handwriting?

this is the closest i got

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?- lego batman movie, hercules, jaws

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?- @fuzziecorpse it’s shakespeare’s fucking fault

what made you start your blog?- i had a lot of friends on tumblr and needed somewhere to post art

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?- best part is for sure just the fun of making content! worst is all the judgement i tend to get (especially being a furry)

what scares you the most and why?- abandonment, because i have anxiety

any reacquiring dreams?- not really

tell a story about your childhood- i LOVED the paris catacombs when i was a kid. i would SOB because my parents wouldn’t let me touch the skulls and when they made me leave

would you say you’re an emotional person?- oh yeah

what do you consider to be romance?- i have a bit of a weird relationship with romance! it’s very hard to describe where i draw the line

what’s some good advice you want to share?- uhhhh dont die?

what are you doing right now?- watcjing lego batman movie

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?- jump into a pool from the balcony

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?- my bedroom late at night or my partner

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?- i want to be more patient

name 3 things that make you happy- fandom, cats, art

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?- i think that it’s statistically unlikely we’re alone in the universe. as far as ghosts go i think they’re a neat concept but i don’t really believe in them

favourite thing about the day?- warm sun

favourite things about the night?- stars

are you a spiritual person?- not really?

say 3 things about someone you love- so so kind, so so silly, and makes me feel incredibly loved

say 3 things about someone you hate- homophobic cowboy piece of shit

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?- being a good sibling

fave season and why?- autumn, it’s the perfect temperature and weather almost always (side note: it’s literally my namesake)

fave colour and why?- purple, it’s beautiful

any nicknames?- muffi/muffin

do you collect anything?- books, plushies, fabric

what do you do when you’re sad?- play sad music

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?- my friends

are you messy or organised?- both. my space usually looks like a disaster but i know exactly where evrrything is

how many tabs do you have open right now?- uhhh 28

any hobbies?- all of the above (reading, drawing, sewing, bookbinding, making playlists)

any pet peeves?- that squeaky sound balloons make

do you trust easily?- yes

are you an open book or do you have walls up?- chronic oversharer 🙏🙏

share a secret- i don’t really keep any? see above LMAO

fave song at the moment?- save a horse (ride a cowboy)

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?- film cooper rn, he’s funny as fuck

any bad habits?- picking at my lips AUFH

[spoiledleaff]

Why did you disappear for so long?? I feel like you abandoned your blog and friends and stuff for a bit lol Are you okay??

sure. let's talk about this :) i've had a lot of asks lately asking if i was okay during my hiatus//if i'm okay now that i'm trying to make an effort to come back, and, the short answer is no. i'm not.

i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd).

cw :: massive vent + personal, medical talk regarding my mental health and thought process. honestly just a lot of oversharing, because i don't have an outlet for this irl, haha! for all intents + purposes, everything below this line is a trauma-dump. please take care of yourself.

for unnecessary context, haha! i went on a hiatus for about half a year, abandoned this blog, destroyed many old wips and interactions i had with the ghost fandom + distanced myself from the friends i've made on this site through ao3 and/or tumblr with no context or goodbyes. my mental health was, and continues to be, in shambles.

i had a homelessness scare + a series of bad physical health scares that almost led me to a brain cancer diagnosis, so... that was fun, haha. but this is probably the main thing.

borderline personality disorder (bpd) is a mental health condition that mainly affects people through extreme mood swings, unstable relationships, trouble controlling their emotions, + often times self-destructive behavior. one of the main symptoms that most people with bpd suffer is fear/perception of abandonment + a constant feeling of emptiness. in addition to this, i have a deeply ingrained socially anxious mindset + i am neurodivergent.

it runs in my family. and, apparently, its running its course through me as well, haha.

i am exhausted. i find myself stuck in an endless cycle, especially on this site, where i am so incredibly excited to interact with the people i've been fortunately enough to find on this site through my work but i distance myself almost immediately when i worry that i start to get too close to someone.

i am so afraid of being abandoned/left behind, that i would rather abandon someone else and disappear.

as a side effect of my bpd, i mainly struggle with paranoia, disassociation, a short temper, feelings of emptiness + an unreliable self-image.

this, unfortunately, affects my relationships here a lot.

i hate my work. i hate myself. sometimes i even hate my friends and then that always spirals into hating their friends, even if it's people who i know are lovely or i have never even fucking met before. i hate this site + ao3, i hate my fandoms, i hate this blog, and i sometimes find myself hating everyone and everything i've ever known and seen. it's a constant cycle of hatred followed by an emptiness that my work will never be good enough, my friendships will never be good enough, my stories will never be good enough, and i will never be good enough. i rarely find joy in these things anymore.

i find myself so desperate + anxious for a little bit of positive social interaction that i overthink every possible scenario, panic, and then vaguely cut ties before i think the other person will.

i cannot begin to describe to you the constant debate i have with myself about whether or not i should delete this blog, permanently remove everything and anything i've ever written on ao3, before inevitably trying to start anew with maybe another penname, another account.

but i've always liked routine. calling myself some variation of 'leaff' on the internet is a part of that. i don't know what else to call myself—people would know it's me.

i'd really like that. i'd fucking hate it too.

so, i've distanced myself from the fandoms + from the people who interact with my content. i do the bare minimum with friends, and sometimes not even that. i ghost people always, worry about what to say next to the point that i've genuinely convinced myself that i've responded, i do the bare minimum, wash, rinse, repeat.

i post my shit, giggle about this and debate about that, disappear for a bit, before inevitably coming back.

i do enjoy the work that i do, sometimes i'm even proud of it. but it's such an inconsistent whirlwind in my mind that i find myself hating it all just as a default.

if you're someone who has had the misfortune of interacting with me, and you wonder if i hate you. i don't.

i promise. not like that, at least.

i'm not going to therapy for this; i can't afford it. i'm trying to find a way to possibly be medicated for this, but i don't have the greatest insurance. i'm trying to train myself into a nicer, more positive mindset; it's hard.

but i'm trying. i'm still very uneducated about this. i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i might be aroace. i think it's why my writing is getting worse, or, at least, why i've been so distraught and unhappy with it. i think this might tie into why i'm so afraid to post anything other than porn; i think it might also be why i'm starting to hate writing it.

i think i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i'm simply unhappy with life, haha.

i didn't mean for this to become such a huge ramble — i think that's why i'm answering this at such an unpopular//late time, haha! — but i've had a surprising amount of asks in my inbox asking about me.

it's weird. i'm not really used to that. i think that's part of the reason why it took me so long.

regardless, this is why i disappeared. this is why i've been distant, this is why i ghosted you, and this is what will probably happen again in the near future. at least it's consistent, i guess.

thank you for your concern. if you made it this far, damn. i wish i had your attention span sometimes, haha. also i'm sorry for never answering your messages or for never reaching out in the first place. it's very easy to convince myself that you don't want me to, that i might be a trophy friend, that what we had was never real.

i'm sorry that after all this time this is how you might be hearing about it.

thank you for being patient with me.

i'm sorry you have to be so patient to begin with.

i think that's all i have to say :) it's a new road for me, and it's one that i don't want to travel. but i have to. i think it might help me in the long run if i do this all now.

so... yeah! :) haha, a bit of leafy lore, if you will. just, maybe not the fun kind, haha!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

This is full of personal and TDP angst so I’mma cut for those who aren’t into that today.

cw: injury, death, illness, angst

I don’t want to overidentify with my favorite TDP characters and I don’t want to overshare, but I’ve been having Many Thoughts these past few months and I thought I’d try to write them out. I know I always process things better after writing them out. Maybe this’ll help put some stuff in perspective for someone else, too.

So psst psst there’s a pandemic on, right, and in the middle of it, my husband got Very Ill. It kind of snuck up on us because Gosh There’s A Lot Of Shit In 2020, but by early November, I was mentally preparing to be a widow by Christmas. Things were Very Not Good and every day was, ah, let’s call it Rough. That’s a, that’s not something you really tell people when you’re in the middle of it. You just smile and wave and carry on, because what are they gonna do about it? Okay, maybe you’re better at sharing your feels than I am. I didn’t tell anyone.

I wrote my fics and played my games and messed around on my ask blogs and pretended everything was fine.

Narrator: You read the above paragraph. You know it was not fine.

Illusion is great sometimes. But there is going to come a point when you just, you can’t. You can’t keep looking at it. Reality is gonna reach through and bitchslap you, and you gotta pay attention to it, because reality is what matters the deepest. Illusion still matters. It serves a purpose. Illusions are like memes, we all get them, we all pretend identically. But every now and then, you need to look the truth in the face. And you can’t be scared when that happens.

it’s 13 feet tall and built of lanky shadows, and it’s shuddering out some kind of infrasound too low to hear but it’s shaking your guts and eating your memories. And you have to stand there. And stare it dead in the eyes. And say, “I see you. You might win this one. I might lose and it might totally suck. But I see you. I see what I’m up against here. And I’m fighting anyway.”

[Thor voice] “Because that’s what heroes do!” is optional, but always appreciated. You do you, guys!

Anyway, emergency surgery and Christmas in the hospital, yadda yadda yadda, things are a little better now, but this forest is endless, or maybe it’s walking alongside us, not sure which. Either way, not out of said woods yet. Treatments are serious and ongoing and no one has precise enough answers for which you-can’t-change-your-mind-later path to take. Such fun times, you have no idea, and I hope you never do. It’s literally Pick Your Poison. Yesterday, my husband picked his poison. We’re going Thisaway with treatment, and what is done cannot be undone.

I’ve been having flashes of insight on how Runaan and Ethari might have been feeling during the months between Winter’s Turn and Runaan’s mission leaving the Silvergrove. Obviously their situation is A: different, and B: fictional. But sometimes I just gotta get out of my own head for a few minutes.

Today, my therapist called me out for locking up all my feelings. I know I’m doing it. Everyone needs me, and there’s only so much of me to go around. Everyone around me is falling apart in a different way. My husband, both my kids. I can’t fix everything. Some days I don’t feel like I can fix a damn thing at all. But we still gotta eat and sleep and work and do school do NOT get me started. So the feelings go in the tower and I Get Shit Done. I’m up early, I’m up late, I never get enough sleep. Therapist called me a machine. I told her she wasn’t wrong.

Then she told me I had to start letting them out, had to let go somewhere, needed to tell my fam how hard things were for me. And I felt a giant stalactite of ice fall from the ceiling and stab me in the guts. Let go? Admit weakness? When my whole family is a mess and they’re relying on me to hold them together? What if that disheartens them? If that ruins everything? If I fall apart, they will too, and that’s the opposite of what I want! I’m holding on this tightly because this is how I help.

Uh. A Runaan insight, maybe. I was genuinely scared of letting my family know that I couldn’t entirely and completely handle everything that’s going on. But my therapist had a fun metaphor: bleed off the pressure. Like turning on the faucet juuuuust a little bit during winter so the pipes don’t freeze. Don’t want to lock up entirely, see, because ice is 10% bigger than the water it came from. It breaks things. So I’m going to give it a try. And I have to go first, because if you think I’m the uptight one in my family, ha ha ha nooooo. No I am not. So, in my future: a feelsy family talk, pushed into existence by Me, The Soft One.

I may not be afraid of death, but listen, it’s still very riveting. I’ve had my attention on it for months now, to the detriment of most of my other relationships. I can’t pretend things are normal, and I’m not going to try. But I can bleed off the pressure, for everyone’s sake. I need to be soft, sometimes. I want to be soft. It’s such a nice change from everything. It takes effort to remember to be soft, but for my kids, my friends, and my husband, I’ll do my very best. They’re all so worth it.

You’re all worth it and I love you guys. Be safe and be soft!

update: he lived :)

[greengay]

I used to be on tumblr in the Green Day fandom back in 2011-2016. I lived through the 21st Century Breakdwon release, the iHeart Radio meltdown, rehab, Rock n Roll Hall of Fame induction. I made some great friends that I still keep contact with to this day. I used to make edits and gifs and write fics…. I just stumbled on your blog by accident and you made me feel all the things I felt back then. Thank you. I’m 30 now and my 20s are long gone, but you made me feel 20 again.

Oh, wow, we just missed each other! I got into Green Day in 2017 after seeing them on their club tour at the end of 2016!

(Villain origin story: I had never really been into Green Day, but my dad was always really into punk rock and liked Green Day. I remember him telling me that it was lame that the East Bay Punk scene turned their backs on GD for wanting to be successful. I'm from New Jersey and my favorite venue in the whole state, Starland Ballroom, posted on their FB or IG or something that Green Day tickets were going on sale in a few hours and I was like, oh, huh, maybe that can be a birthday present for my dad! So la di da I easily got tickets, stress-free (AS OPPOSED TO NOW, WHERE IF GD CLUB TOUR TICKETS WENT ON SALE I WOULD BE SHITTING MY PANTS AND WORRYING FOR DAYS ABOUT GETTING ONE) and my dad and I went and it rocked my absolute socks off... and here I am lol)

I've made soooo many great friends through GD fandom also! Omg, you seem to have done a lot, I wonder who you are??? Haha. I've probably read your fic and reblogged your gifs/edits.

I'm glad I was able to trigger some nostalgia! Although, I would say, I don't think there's an age cap to fandom. Like, you don't just stop having interests and hobbies once you hit 30. I know there's a lot of 30+ people in tumblr GD fandom, and I have a lot of 30+ friends I've met irl from going to GD shows!

So I hope you drifted away from fandom because of your waning interest in Green Day/fandom, and not because you felt "too old" to be tumblrina, haha.

I'll admit, I haven't been throwing myself into tumblr GD fandom like I used to the past couple of years, but the pandemic was whack, and any sort of social media made me really anxious lol. Like I used to overshare a LOT on here, and maybe I'll go back to that, but I realized... that I sacrifice some of my "real" life to be online. Like, I'm personally not able to maintain my irl friendships and hobbies etc. while I'm obsessing over GD and posting about it online. HOWEVER, I don't think I would ever delete this blog unless I got famous or something lol... I would keep it up as an archive, cos I know I've always been really sad when online friends would delete ;-(

ALSO... idk if you've heard about the J**y situation... you can prob find my posts about it, but I think it led to BJA being less active on social media, which weakens the parasocial relationships which affects the Obsession™... Uhg, 2017/2018 was peak Bibbie.

Lastly... idk if you're still into GD fanfic, but the last couple of years have been a RENNAISSANCE... so go on AO3 lol

But anyways! Thank you for this anon, it was really sweet ;-;;;

[felisvulpine]

I feel the need to point out that I am totally aware of the amount of info someone can find about me online. Not necessarily dangerous info (family members stole my identity so I'm not really worried about internet strangers), but a lot of personal blog posts and other random things that could be stumbled on by literally any person from any aspect of my life. Frankly, if someone I don't know that well does a deep dive into my social media presence and learns a lot of information about me... be my guest. There's not a thing anyone can say or do about it that I haven't said or done to myself ten times worse. Study me to the point of stalking me if you want. Open the pandora's box of my internet life for all i care. I'd have all this shit privated if I was actually concerned about that.

I went through quite a few mental health incidents over the past two decades and have deleted my accounts, ghosted people, came back, deleted again. That kind of thing is never going to happen again, because I am in a better place, and I have a lot of respect for the folks who stuck around despite all that. It takes a special kind of patient to continue interacting with someone who basically self sabotages at every turn because of emotions and feelings I didn't know how to describe.

Things are much better now, in that I have found more joy in being "myself" (whatever that is) around others. I pushed through out of spite, and embrace how stupid, unfair, and rage inducing the world is. Good people have been an oasis in that shit desert and I would protect them at any cost.

So, yea, I probably overshare online. But I'd rather be an oversharing cringefest than a self sabotaging recluse any day of the week.

I have a lot to be a tiny ball of rage about. But I am really also thankful for even more things.

[swipingrightinyour30s]

Welcome ✨

This blog is dedicated to all the single ladies 💕 follow my dating journey as I am on the quest to manifest the love of my life 🫶🏻 crazy? Mm I think not, we all want to be loved and share our lives with somebody special. Here I am going to share my dates & tribulations & probably overshare A LOT. Buckle in. 🤘🏻

Who am I? 🫶🏻

My name is Alyce I am 32 years old I live in Gippsland. I live alone with my beautiful rescue cat Felix Winston 🐱! I’ve just recently in the past 6 months ended a career in early childhood education after 13 years. I am currently a student studying the diploma of community services & ideally want to work helping families at risk 💕

Ok so the boring shit is out of the way.. ME oh Jesus first thing is first. I do have border line personality disorder 🙃 I know this impacts my relationships in my life greatly at times, mainly I have it under control or it controls me 🫠. I am a very intense, emotional, empathetic, down to earth, funny, witty woman. I’m either full of life or I’m not I’m either happy or….. I’m not. I’m very black and white & I am an extreme over thinker. I KNOW 110% I have pushed men away because I am to full on or want clarification or better communication from them.. something that is too hard to ask for most the time NEXT…

I don’t have the best track record with dating. I’ll get into that more so later! But it ranges from being left for my best friend & them getting married, to domestic violence to a head fuckery of a ‘situation ship’ oh and i cannot forget the special mention to the guy who I was with for 2 months & he hid his pregnant girlfriend from me 😂

So yeah there’s that ^ I mean sure I’ve met nice guys but it hasn’t eventuated other than a few weeks/ months of meaningless sex…

So here it goes I mean what’s there to lose?! This ain’t my first, second or third rodeo 🤠

I hope you enjoy my content & yes it will be too much information at times but hey I told you I’m black or white! So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

PSA - There is nothing wrong with being single, I know I am a whole vibe & a Fucking power house just the way I am! BUT! There is also nothing wrong with putting yourself out there & trying to find your person, or who knows I/you may be found 🫶🏻

Thank-you for joining me on this journey & definite shit show.

Alyce 🫶🏻

[iguessitsjustme]

*flips hair* I have never blocked anyone because I'm nosy, but I want to know #4!

What was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I am also nosy...to my detriment sometimes. Which is why it takes me so long to actually block people that I should probably have blocked a lot sooner. But I do have a story.

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I've kind of vaguely mentioned this when asked before but I'll talk a tiny bit more specifically here. Not too specific because I'm not trying to start shit buuuuut....also they are definitely not the only person I've blocked but I think they might be the most recent one? I don't know.

About a year(?) ago I had to block a couple of people because they were starting to make me uncomfortable. I was being tagged in all sorts of posts (and to be clear the posts weren't bad, they were even positive! kind posts even) and something about what was happening was rubbing me the wrong way.

Actually before I keep talking about this, I feel like I need to talk a tiny bit about myself because it's important context. This also might surprise people considering how much I overshare on here, but I am, at my core, an extremely private person. I do not like attention. I get anxiety when my follower count goes up here (genuinely love all of my followers and this is definitely a me problem). I live in fear of being secretly recording for some stranger's tiktoks. I don't want my face seen by people. I do not wish to be perceived. It is 100% a trauma response and I am aware of all of this. And this is extremely important to why I blocked these people.

It is slightly easier for me on tumblr than it is in real life, but this is quite literally my safe space that I have built for myself. It's why I'm comfortable sharing things here. I have no issue being tagged in posts. I have no issue with people wanting to talk about things I've said or if they tag me because they want me to see something. So getting tagged in seemingly genuinely kind and positive posts should be fine, right?

Well, yes and no. The posts I was being tagged in felt...hollow to me. Like I was being tagged in an attempt to build a platform instead of because they actually wanted to tag me. I was being tagged in posts thanking me for participating in a fandom which kind of made it seem like the reason I was posting about anything was for accolades and that...is simply not why I'm here. I am not here to gain a following. I am not here to build a platform or to help others build a platform. I am here to post silly little posts about my shows and my life and also now keep track of character's glasses. If I wanted to build a platform, tumblr is not what I would be using (and honestly if I wanted to, I genuinely think I could be pretty successful at building a platform and gaining followers and other platforms. I would consider myself highly marketable if I wanted to go into that industry).

But the last straw for me? What finally did it? Why I finally blocked the people whose vibes have felt off for me and clearly did not know me well enough to know that doing what they were doing was quite literally the opposite of something I am comfortable with? It was when someone (again not naming names because I don't think they had bad intentions but were just so horrendously misguided as to allow themselves to ignorantly do this) who did not follow me, did not reblog any of my posts, did not like any of my posts, had never replied to any of my posts, nor had they ever interacted with my blog or with me in any type of way (I checked because I'm nosy enough and petty enough to have checked that) tagged me in a post. To thank me. For participating in a fandom. And I am not saying anyone has to do any of those things. But if you're gonna tag me to thank me for participating...perhaps maybe at least like one of my posts about the thing you're thanking me for?

To be clear, this was a show that a lot of people were talking about at the time. I was not the only person tagged in these posts. I was for sure not the only person talking about the show. In fact, I probably posted a tenth of what other people posted. If that. And my posts, honestly, weren't very well thought out or coherent. They were my typical little silly posts. And I know people like those. But they weren't the same as what other people were posting. And to be tagged by someone that seemed to only care when it was something that could gain them notes and followers instead of someone who actually enjoyed what I was saying? Felt strange to me. And rather than start beef with a stranger on the internet I blocked them.

Blocking them solved the issue that was making me uncomfortable as peacefully as I felt I could. They no longer had the ability to tag me in strangely performative posts and I didn't start yelling at a stranger and potentially ruin their day. Or start drama that no one else needed to be involved in. I did make a small post about it at the time mostly because I felt so weirded out and I did feel a little bit bad about blocking them. But it was such a quiet thing that no one noticed and everyone moved on with their lives. Made things happier. For me at least. Probably happier for them too.

Choose Violence Ask Game

[christmasintheloonybin]

mmm idk,my problems seem to be more from the fact that i'm a anxious ugly girl. I've been following you for a while. I really like what you say because somehow I read and I feel a little less lonely. Today I was scrolling through your blog reading because I was so bored in class and I don't have real friends or shit like that (everyone ignores me every time I fucking open my mouth) Your post reminded me of my relationship with my parents I know it's not the same case but my mother doesn't seem to care much about what happens to me either and she doesn't even see me, i don't blame her she is really depressed. On the other side my father, is a misogynist who has always treated me like a piece of shit just for not meeting his standards of what he believes a woman should be, he believed that by having a daughter he would have a kind of model to show off to his friends or I don't know what the fuck he thinks, so I'm just his ugly daughter that he's ashamed of. He doesn't care about my well-being and has never really played the role of a father, he can't play any role as a father because he doesn't love me so he doesn't make an effort to interact with me or support me in something like school or shit that normal parents do.

And I think we have a similar musical taste lol (i love your username btw one of the reasons why your blog caught my attention) #oversharing

(sorry if there is a serious misspelling here i am not a native speaker)

you were very clear and well spoken, no need to apologize.

it is an odd phenomenon that I'm sure has existed but I think is particular to our times, parents who are completely self involved. I think a lot of it has to do with their parents being boomers and the environment they were raised in, "live for yourself" etc, from the Vietnam protests to today there has been no sense of community or some thing that is larger than the individual that a person has no choice but to submit to. of course this attitude has been around for centuries! but this has been the most distilled form, at least in previous generations there were remnants (you MUST go to church, you MUST go to war). a system built around choice is a system that will always lead to unhappiness.

anyways, my point is that the family disintegrates because individuals can only see themselves as individuals, not even archetypes. a woman cannot be a mother and a man cannot be a father because they see themselves as individuals making some stupid free decision and thinking that they can go about things in their own way and that they are doing something new and daring which only leads to psychologically damaged children. society needs significantly less freedom, freedom and individuality only lead to unhappiness because of course a person cannot solve the problems of the universe on his/her own. I would argue that parents as they should be in many ways do not exist anymore, it is more than anything a begrudging arrangement that they feel stifled by. like marriage, if divorce is a valid option then marriage no longer exists. but I am getting off topic.

my parents more than anything are both just unintelligent people in addition to the problems of their generation, and I think obviously this is also the case for many people. I am sorry to hear of your troubles but if it's any consolation my point is that this is not necessarily a strange or unheard of situation and is no way due to a personal failing on your part. I hope things improve for you. this has been much rambling and little empathy but I am happy to know that my obsessive fucking compulsion to TRY and explain every aspect of my life has had some positive effect on someone.

<3

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

DONT EVER ASTRAL PROJECT INTO JOISEY

yr on ur way to bodyhack and accidentally k hole a lil too hard in ur own living room and have to hold ur roommates feet / kuddle a bit b4 u go cuz u've never felt that way b4 on k besides the time u did that Laced bullshit like 3 months ago in the comfort of strangers u just met at le bain and yr crush at tha time. who actually wuz NIce a lil but they were like a weird capricorn with a gf N we all kno how poly relationships hav been for moi. Painful n weird. lik LEARN 2 communicate andSTICK2 UR boundaries [ AND DONT TRY TO INTERPRET WHAT THT MEANS BY URSELF IF YR CONFUSED LITERALLY JUST ASK] or just like DON'TTT try to have multiple relationships if u r INCAPABLE Of being responsible WITH MULTIPLE PPLZ FEELINGZZZZZZZ!

I!!!

ANYWEY. FLASHBACK.

We ordered 2g of shitty mexxy Fake ass K n all tha colors IN tha room blended together, u threw up and had to go into fetal position just to feel better cuz u dont rly remember talking but u just remember SURVIVNG Tha weird after party b4 when we all went into some strangers hotel [that i met at a party in LA like a few months back but it wuz like a quick meet outside tha warehouse so lik not rly KNEW the person but] that had a clogged toilet n RANDO EMERGENCIE ROOM SURGEON WHO ASKED U... 'hey…have u ever had k...INSIDE u..' LIK OMG WHAT LE FUK!

!!!!!?

then the weirdo who owned the hotel unclogged tha toilet After LYING and said he'd order room service n tried to stand in between yr friends who were lik just Kutie dancing to the german techno House n then yr crush was tryna like do a cute bubble bath moment with u but it all just got 2 GOT DAM MUCH so we all made a run 4 it. LE LITERALLY.

And this wuz after we walked around tha city, called the sunrise a tequila sunrise then talked ab makin it big 1 day n moving in those big apts in soho. And waiting for 4 uber cars for an hour to give us a ride but then they nvr came/cancelled so we walked 3 blocks n begged a rando with a Family sized lookin sUv to give us a ride to anotha party. like WUZ IT WORTH IT 2 GO 2 A KLOGGED TOILET SCARY HOTEL WITH SCARY SURGEON MAN N PREDATORY WEIRDO. WULD IDO IT AGAIN???? YES!!

u bump into a KUTE designer uve been supportingfor like a year n a half n they They tell U they Hav a crush on u like WAH RLYYYYY. but yr like not interested in starting something new but. IM IN MY NO1 DESERVES MOI ERA !!!!!! TUMBLR BLOGGING CONSISTENTLY ERA!!!!!!! ALL MY 9 OTHER ACCOUNTS R BLENDING TOGETHER ERA! MOI BDAY ERA!!! EXCITED 4!!!! N NOWADAYZZ ERA!

!!!! Yr waiting 4 ur friend n someonecomes up to u and asks u if u sell drugs LIKE WHT DO I LOOK LIKE. anotha gurl told me that nite i look like im poly. LIKE WHAT IS THE POLY AESTHETIC...BC I WULD RLY LIKE 2 MF KNO!!!! Then they proceed to overshare ab autism camp n then ask me if IM THA ONE thats "STILL HIGH' . We find a rubber duckie in tha hammocks n MR RUBBA DUCKIE IS OUR SECURITY GUARD 4 THA NITE while we dance with "fuckboy PRESENTING' kutiez n crave tha K that yr friendz say is from tha nethalandz. Yr high as shit n the sink in tha bathroom looks like a fukin goat n yrthinking of tyler tha creators iconic tweet on03-13-22 "YO IF SOMEONE INVITE U TO A SHOW DONT FUCKIN B LIKE CAN I GET 5 PASSES. NO. COME W 1 GUEST N SHOW SUM FUKIN RESPECC . DONT FUCKIN ASK 4 A FAMILY AMOUNT OFICKETS N SHIT HELL U THINK THIS A CHARITY WHO RAISED U N---GAS KNOW YALL FUKIN PLACE U AINT SPECIAL'

i wanna make a tiktok audio of me saying that but i dont wanna b problematic. N i wanna giv my mum tha rubbie duckie to add to her collection of rubbie duckiez. tha nite ended kute going to a white boys apt who wears kat ears who's name was aaron n we were with another aaron so there were two aarons then we smoked n watched sunrise n listened to the killerz nitecore version tho.

JUST BC IM HIGH A LOT DOESNT MEAN I DONT DO MY LAUNDRY OR TAXES OR AM SEXUALLY PROBLEMATIC OR STUPID. I LIKE CONTROLLED sUBSTANCES WHERE I KAN STILL THINK N AM COGNISCENT OF MY BODY N ENVIONMENT. I WULD LIKE 2 EXPLAIN DIS FURTHER BC I YAM DEFENSIVE N SELF INTROSPECTIVE N AS A LIBRAI WULD LIKE TO SEE ALL SIDES N SCALES N BE RATIONAL IN HOW I APPROACH MYSELF WHEN OTHERS CLEARLY KANNOT C ME 4 WHO I YAM IN ALL OF MY DIFF WAYZ. LIKE I LITERALLY AM FUCKIN RAVE MUM!!!!!!!!! i WULD LITERALLY BRING A FUKIN STALK OF CELERY 2 THA MF CLURB TO MAKE SURE PPLZ GOT SOME10 In THEY TUMMY B4 THEY DECIDE 2 ALCOHOL THEMSULVEZ!!!!!!!!!! I WILLL DYE YR HAIR B4 WE GET TO THA KLUB N WASH IT OUT FOR U N BLOW DRY IT N HELP U PIK OUT UR OUTFITZ THEN MAKE SURE WE ALL HAV A GOOD TIME . RAVE MUM VIBEZ!!!!!!! I HAV NVR PARTIED 2GET MY HOLES SATIATED. I HAV NVR LEFT A PARTY WA STRANGER AT A CLURB W THE INTENTION OF FUK!!!!!!

well. Now dat DAT out of tha way, TECHNO PAGAN IS LITERALLY A FUKIN GOD ANNNNDDD Tha Trinity is not A culmination of one god in three gods but a singular god!!!!!!!!!! THA TRINITY IS A MF SHMEXY

THRUPPLE.

something tht i hav been reflecting on in my nitelife has been the beauty of community i feel when we all stomp n dance together so hard, even in a room full of strangers, we all sit under tha influence of a universal language, something tht we kannot describe with words, something that is not expressed with words - music . ladybird hates club music but i feel like club music has encapsulated so much that normally goes out of my reigns of comfort, it is challenging as an artist to see thingz differently in lens of appreciation , but to feel every genre and every word n instrument n actually react to it has been something i feel like tht keeps me sane. going out has not been something that has just been "fun' for me, i release something into the nite that the nite keeps it for me. lily says i am the moon, the nite , and she is my sun, my day. i think

there is something beautiful about the nite, and how

it holds the darkness for u... it exists 4 a reason,

although scary ..... but i like the way i see the world

more when i am awake thru it, and i appreciate the

day while in fragmented time frames

i Yam SO MF behind on skoool. i wuz supposed to go

2 a truck show where clothing stores showcase a

bunch of new collection pieces kind of like sample

sales] todai but i ended up having a depressive

episode n crying 4 hours to 8485 n blackwinterwells

n helix tearz. idk when i will feel better some dayz, i

just kno my greatest pain / biggest wound is getting

taken 4 granted or being misunderstood / unloved by

the people i hav loved purely ... i hav an innocence to

me, ive realized ... i give ppl tha benefit of tha doubt

b4 they prove anything to meh. i hav been aching,

ive been sinking in my bed, i kant sleep, i dont know

how to proceed when ppl i want to luv me r so

incapable. n even then i am happy to be the 1 who is

hurt at the end of it all, and not them ..

nyfw is coming up n castings have been interesting.

the modeling scene is so small n i've been

recognizing mad ppl in the rando castings i've been

going to n showing up how i do . Cuz ima always b

me and that's what that truly means to me to model

to showcase myself authentically and though Yes i

am sample size - i think beauty is something more

philosophical and subjective than what we kan

condense to merely standardized measurements . I

always found it funni that if u live in model housing ur

like required to go out like three times a week to

make ur agent happie and like it wasn't til i was at lil

sister in st marks / 3rd ave area that i was like kinda

weirded by the modeling party nitelife scene , like it

gave human trafficking vibes from these old ass men

grinding too close to meh and then spilling their

orange ass piss colored drink on moi. like promoters

really pay models to go to these clubs and uber them

back n forth just to make these clubs look better.Butt these clubs ain't even got leg noom????

What wuld u do if u were in the club wiff me and i got

stomped on n I naturally scream MY LEGGGG in

spongebob voice. And Why the FUCK would i pay for

a san pelligrrinno to assimilate to this fancy club

aesthetic ???? LEZ B HONEST .....

.. WE AALLLLL

HATE SAN PELLYGRINO!!!!!!! BLECH!!

so moral of tha storie is take K from musicians who

hurt ur feelings online , support trans mutual aid but

Fuck the trans men that slut shame u for literally

going out n partying, Give they thems money n

Marlboro redz, Take polaroids of urself at nowadayz

then hate being perceived then leave them on the

floor, Sleep with ur contacts in , Don't touch ur

septum ring while K holing , My chemical romance

and pierce the veil are superior, give twinks twinkies,

and Fae/Xe's caramel candiez. And ALWAYS emulate

carrie bradshaw, believe in urself and ur writing and

don't EVERRRRR ASTRAL PROJECT INTO

JOISEY!

stay safe n KUTE and even if u have 4 blisters and 2

corns and 1 bunyon on yr foot just keep remembering

beauty is pain and Just apologize n giggle cutely /

politely decline if someone wanna suck ur toes, it's easy to decline n giggle n decline.

XXOXXXXX, ur fav gossip they , King princess hater

«Ur literally not more gay if u like them cuz they are

literally racist n problematic my friend played the

keys for them on tour so get with it and grow up,

listen to julien baker or Clairo or some shit>, 2021

covid survivor, mosquito bite wear-er, gemini moon

ass chatty ass Cathy ass " Don't u know who i am? energy" emulator, RENNY <3