#i knew we were distant but i didn't know until now that he really truly didnt care

[freebooter4ever]

you know when there is one person you need to have a fight with (my dad) but you cant so you find yourself subconsciously picking fights with other people -_-

yeah i need to stop that

[mysticsublimeperson]

NUMB pt2

(pt1)

Arthur had noticed something, he didn't quite understand what exactly, and that was frustrating.

Then Merlin cancelled the only date night the had been able to schedule in a month, because of the difference in their work hours, and Merlin spended less and less time with him at work...

So ditching him to go to a club?

Yeah... Arthur was pissed.

But then, "They have notice that I 've been absent, unless you want me to explain where do I spend my free time lately, I better go with them to get them off my back. We wouldn't want anybody knowing your secret right?"

And damn if that didn't hurt.

He knew Merlin wasn't really happy with the arrangement, he knew that he had been crossing the line lately. Going off at work, mostly to throw people off the track, but also to let out some of his frustration. But what could he do?

It was impossible to continue with his life as it was, and have Merlin. He would loose everything, his job, his family, his status, probably the flat too... His father was sure to ruin his life if he gave that step.

But for the life of him, he could not let Merlin go. He will never let him go willingly. Merlin was the happiest he had been in his life. Waking up next to him, he felt at peace, felt understood, felt seen. The way Merlin looked at him, like he meant something extraordinary, made him feel complete.

But then the little doubt creep in, What would happen if Merlin grew tired of this baggage?

No.

What will happen when Merlin grow tired of this situation?

Arthur felt his chest heavy with guilt. It was bound to happen, he knew that, he, himself, had made sure of it. He had enough scape routes in case everything went south, but now he found that Merlin could also use them, and that thought was the scariest of them all.

Merlin went radio silent after that call, and Arthur understood.

Then the next day he could not find him at the company, which was strange but maybe he was avoiding him, and Arthur understood.

He didn't answered any of his calls, or texts, and Arthur understood.

The dread expanding in his belly.

The following day he went to work with a heavy step and a heavier heart.

He knew that this whole circus was his fault, and therefore he had no right to complain or demand anything of Merlin, but that didn't make him feel better.

Merlin was still gone, so he went looking for him. And then Gaius told him that Merlin hadn't gone to work, he was sick, apparently. Gaius didn't know what exact illness but ... "he has been off lately, distant, cold, sad. And with all due respect, that you are keen on humiliating him on public lately hadn't really helped. I imagine it has to do with that. He didn't explain further, just told me he was going on sick leave"

Gaius spoke clearly, and with every word Arthur felt more shame. That dressing down was something he didn't know he needed.

Had he been so awful towards Merlin? Truly?

He bolted, didn't even told anyone, just went.

Went to his flat, and banged on his door, and called his name until the neighbors threatened to call the police.

It was useless.

The last time he spoke to him, he was going to go clubbing with his friends. He knew most of Merlins friends, basically because they were also Arthur's friends. But those friends... he knew them yeah, but he wasn't precisely close, Will, proper hated him, and the girl, Freya, was apprehensive around him, he didn't know why, but he hadn't particularly care up until that moment, he did not have any way of contacting them, not their number saved, not their social media profiles, nothing.

Shit.

The only thing he could remember was where Freya used to work, because Merlin had insisted on buying his coffee there for months just to spend his break catching up with her, at least until they happened.

He went there, his only clue, praying for the girl to be there.

He wasn't lucky, she didn't even had a shift that day. But he had obtained a contact info. He texted her.

And she answered vaguely, not understanding why Merlin's boss was asking for that kind of information. He didn't get much, but the fact that that whole ordeal was orchestrated by Gwaine.

So he went to Gwaine.

He was still hungover, or, more accurately, hungover again. And told him reluctantly that he had tried to get Merlin to relax, because he had been upset as of late. Arthur really ought to pay better attention, everyone had noticed this change in Merlin's behavior, so probably Merlin had been dealing with the burnt of having to lying to everyone.

"We just wanted him to unwind, It was fine... at least I hope so" Arthur's heart stopped at that very moment "What do you mean?" Gwaine was completely unaffected by his murderous tone and stare, and reentered his home trailed by Arthur "I don't know mate, he was having fun, he had been talking to this bloke on the floor, the seemed to have hit it off quite well... that was the last time I saw him, when we didn't heard from him in the morning, well we assumed he'd gotten laid, at least he had fun, but yesterday he told us that It didn't went well, but didn't explain" As he spoke his voice lost it's strength, and the insecurity he must have felt since that message was brought to the surface.

Arthur wanted to scream, to accuse, to point, to break, to do everything at the same time, but how could he? He stopped himself just before he started a shouting match with Gwaine, who was lost in thought in the sofa, because Gwaine was his friend too, and if he had known he wouldn't have done any of that.

His eyes started to sting from the sheer frustration.

Fact 1: Merlin's friends had taken him to a club, so he could cheat on Arthur, not that they knew that.

Fact 2: Merlin had gotten drunk, danced and left the club with another man, Arthur could not grasp how he felt about that just yet.

Fact 3: something went WRONG. WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG AND WHERE WAS MERLIN? BECAUSE...

Fact 4: Merlin hadn't gone to work in two days, and no one knew where or how he was and the worry in his chest was clouding his mind and shit, he was crying.

He wiped his face quickly with the back of his hand, but couldn't hold back anymore so he struggled a bit saying goodbye to Gwaine and got out of there, didn't listen to whatever Gwaine was saying in the background.

He couldn't tell you how did he find Merlin, just that it was probably illegal and highly unadvised. But by that afternoon he was in front of that hospital door, with mixed feelings, a lot of guilt and one thought.

Hunith opened the door, Hunith was there. His gut twisted in different uncomfortable directions.

"Hunith?"

"Arthur? What are you doing here? Wait, let's talk outside, he finally managed to sleep for a bit" His throat closed off.

"I..He didn't show up at work" It was all he could manage, he could see her eyes harden.

"Yes, well, I am sure you can see he is in no condition to do so, now if you would kindly leave"

"Hunith" he was trembling "Can I see him?" he saw her hesitate.

"He doesn't want to see anyone" she ultimately answered a bit softer.

"What happened?"

"It's not my place to tell Arthur, I need to respect his decision, now more than ever" she said with finality "Look, I'll call you when he changes his mind.."

"IF.. if he changes his mind, you know how he is" he protested "Hunith I just..." he had to stop, before his voice broke "I need to know how he is, I need to see that he is ok"

"I know you are his friend Arthur" Arthur could hear his heart shatter "But this is... He is not ok" she said looking directly at him "He doesn't want to be seen like that, he doesn't want to be judged or pitied. He needs someone by his side right now, someone who would just be there with him, loving him, truly, boldly, despite everything else" Hunith broke down a bit and ran a hand by her hair, talking to him and to herself also "Don't get me wrong Arthur, I know you care for my son, you are a true friend, but you are not what he needs right now. I know the teasing and bantering is your... style, but I am afraid he cannot handle that. I'll call you if he changes his mind, but if not, please do respect his wishes"

She turned around visibly affected and went back into the room. Meanwhile Arthur had his world shaken to the ground.

[carmendeiact2whenplz]

Do you ever think about how Venti and deca are both most likely angels. Angels in genshin impact are afflicted by a curse that when they love humans romantically they die. Maybe the reason that deca was so heartless was because he knew that loving Amos would kill him and didn't care. Maybe it was causing him physical pain to love humans.

I haven’t actually heard that thing about angels before, fascinating! While I do think it would be interesting if they both had biblically-accurate-angel type aspects to their appearance, me personally I think both of them simply do not feel romantic attraction, or at least not to the same degree/to the level where it’s genuinely romantic and not just really strong platonic or alterous affection(aka they’re both aroace to me.)

However, it would cause them a lot of physical and/or emotional distress to love people regardless. They’re both immortals, so they would obviously be afflicted with the pain of knowing that any mortals they do really care about will essentially pass away in - to them- the blink of an eye. With Venti I headcanon that he didn’t quite grasp the concept of death/the fact that mortals die and never come back, which is one of the main reason the death of his friend hit him so hard. He genuinely believed they would be “best friends forever”, but being involved in a rebellion the bard would have had a pretty high chance of dying regardless. As far as we know now, many of the people Venti’s ever made friends with are either dead or very physically and/or emotionally distant (the Old Mond Gang are all dead by now, Vennessa (probably spelt that wrong) died, Istaroth is… somewhere, the Tsaritsa and Barbatos have a rocky relationship post-cataclysm (not to mention how he most likely knew all the original archons), and the abyss sibling presumably knew Venti at some point but whether they still know eachother is unknown).

As with Decarabian, I think he was willing to be in a relationship with Amos (despite maybe not actually wanting to be in a romantic relationship with another individual) because he was aware she genuinely loved him. Assuming Amos is an average mortal human being and they’ve been in a relationship for under ten years, by the time she got with him there might have been scattered thoughts of rebellion here and there (even though nb probably didn’t notice at the time and couldn’t do anything at that point), so deca might have been aware that the citizens may not have had the best perception of him at that point. At that point I think deca was truly happy that there was at least *someone* that loved him, someone that would let him protect them, and if he couldn’t do that to everyone then at the very least he had his lover. I do think deca’s case is fascinating because it is technically unrequited love, but he had love towards the citizens of old mond, but they in turn (rightfully) hated him for how in his desire for protection he ended up to the point of restricting everyone. It would have been the best course of action for deca and amos to break up, but the fact that they were canonically in a relationship until the very end, even though neither of them got a positive outcome from it (Amos’ romantic feelings were unrequited, while deca knew she would most likely kill him in the end) was the main reason of both of their downfalls.

[aesthetically-meme]

Everyone needs to know right now how SPECIFIC Exist for Love is. @that-fanperson-meg COME HERE (please)

It is SO SPECIFIC FOR TWILIGHT AND DUSK. IT IS LITERALLY DUSK RAMBLING TO TK ABOUT HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO THEM, AND THEM INADVERTENTLY CONFESSING THEIR ENTIRE FUCKING EXISTENCE TO HIM.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO RAMBLE SO FUCKING HARD, HERE WE GO.

I've never felt like this before/my heart knew I couldn't/and then you take me in/and everything in me begins to feel like I belong/like everybody needs a home

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛

When Dusk first met Twilight, they were very distant, but not in a social way. It didn't seem like Dusk was really there, they were almost hollow. It was scary to see an astral like that. However upon interacting with Twilight, they're instantly filled with life. (I'll talk more about this later teehee)

And when I take your hand/like the world has never held a man/I know I cannot heal the hurt/but I will hold you here forever/if I can, if I can

Basically Dusk saying that they'll always be there for Twilight. They aren't able to undo what's happened to him, but they can be there for him and give him all the love he deserves, whether or not he thinks he does.

And then I learned the truth/how everything good in life seems to lead back to you/and every single time I run into your arms/I feel like I exist for love/like I exist for love/only for love

THAAATTSSSSSSS LITERALLY THEM AKXNAKDNANSJWNSNW, THEY HAVE SUCH A STRONG BOND IT MAKES DUSK FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE A PURPOSE‼️

After leaving the GSA and coming to terms that they're alone, they realize how happy Twilight made them. Yes, being in the GSA wasn't all that bad. They had Maestro and their fellow astrals around them. But Twilight was family, he was one of the main things that drove them to strive for greatness. They wanted to protect the light that Twilight cast.

I can't imagine how it is to be forbidden from loving

Dusk is physically incapable of not feeling some form of love due to their matter. Upon hearing how Estelle treated Twilight, they'd immediately start clinging to him again. The idea that someone could ever be mean or abusive towards Twilight physically hurts them.

Cause when you walked into my life/I could feel my life begin/like I was torn apart the minute I was only born/and you're the other half/the only thing that makes me whole

Now, I know what I just said. But when Dusk was found by Maestro, she could tell there was some sort of enchantment over them. It blocked off their emotions, sealing them deep within them. She couldn't break the spell, but hoped Dusk would meet someone in the GSA that could help chip away at the spell via love.

Despite being with Maestro when they met Twilight, Dusk didn't immediately feel a connection to Maestro. For the first few weeks of them being in the GSA, they where kinda quiet, a bit empty. (No one could truly figure out why. Only Dusk would figure out later it was because of some sort of spell.) It's not until they meet Twilight do they suddenly become 'alive'. Dusk's soul is attracted to Twilight's wounded heart. Think of it like Sora from kh when he took in Ventus' heart. Except Dusk's soul made itself heal so they could help Twilight heal.

I know it sounds like a lot/but you really need to know/we are leaning out for love/and we will lean for forever, I know/I love you so

Clearly this must be overwhelming for Twilight, but they desperately need to know how loved he is. He puts too much on himself and not only is it hurting him, but it's hurting Dusk too. Twilight has so many people he can count on, and there's many people that are yet to be discovered.

And when you say my name/like white horses on the waves/I think it feels the same/as an ocean in my veins/and you'll be diving in/like nothing is out of place

Just acknowledging their bond gives Dusk life. It's like seeing your best friend and getting excited at the idea of just briefly interacting. You could not talk to each other for weeks and then see each other and chat like you spoke the day prior.

And we exist for love/only for love

They're acknowledging that if they were to lose the other then ... Yeah. A bit sad, but truthfully, both would be lost if the other were to die. But also speaking of their race as Heart Matter. Dual purpose yknow.

And I love you, I love you, I love you x2

Dusk will tell Twilight they love him however many times he needs to hear it to believe it. They aren't shy about being affectionate and will rightfully do anything to make their best friend feel better.

[fantasyinallforms]

How about… “Hey…are you dead yet?”

Thank you for the prompt, @sunnyrosewritesstuff! I am loving these! This one was a hard one for some reason, but I liked the challenge, and I'm pleased with how it turned out!

This is for the March Madness fotfics event!

Also on AO3 under my "Tales on the Road to Erebor" collection

Bagginshield {T}

Title: Better on your lips

How long had they been walking? Carrock seemed like a pleasant but distant memory. The eagles had saved them, but they retained few packs after escaping the Goblins, fewer still after the eagles. Gandalf had disappeared shortly after they landed, babbling about scouting ahead to see if an old friend still resided in the area. He had yet to return. Their movements in the region were bracketed by the wargs that never left their trail, stopping them from being able to rest for more than a few hours at a time. They were aided only by the advantage of a head start. Now the company wandered between rocky moors, trying to scrap by on what they had and what they could catch. Unfortunately, what they had was almost nonexistent, and what they could catch would seem to be very little. 

Before this adventure, Bilbo was not accustomed to the feeling of true hunger. Since he had learned to get by on what he was offered while traveling. While he was never truly full, he wasn't starving. That was until now. Three days ago, Thorin had tightened everyone's rations again. They got a small piece of hard tack or jerky per day. A few wonderful times, they had found enough to forage that he could have two pieces. The dwarves seem to be pressing on in rather the same fashion as they always did despite the restrictions. How they did, Bilbo didn't know. He could feel his stomach practically eating his spine. His clothes fell loosely around his frame, and he had punched a few new holes in his belt. He had never felt hunger like this before, but he had heard it described to him in stories by those who had lived through the fell winter that plagued Hobbiton before he was born. 

“Hobbits aren't meant to go without food.” His mother once warned, “It messes with our minds and can drive us mad.” Mad. Yes, that’s what this felt like. Bilbo was lost in his train of thought. He didn't see the rest of the company stop. He was stopped mid-stride by a thick hand on his wrist. 

“Master Baggins, I said we are stopping for a few hours. Or do you intend on continuing on without us?”  The sound of Thorin’s voice was usually pleasant, but today it cut at the edges of his nerves.  

“What would it matter if I did? We'll be dead within a week with this rate of not finding food.” Bilbo wrenched his wrist out of Thorin’s grasp and stalked back toward the center of the party.

“Oh, don't be like that, Bilbo! Landscape’s getting a little less rocky, and I’m sure we’ll find something soon enough!” Bofur’s chipper attitude was growing annoying and incredibly tiresome. Bilbo found the nearest tree and curled in on himself, not bothering to interact with others. 

Predictably Thorin had ordered there to be no fire, so the company made themselves as comfortable as they could around a clump of trees. Soon Bombur started to hand out rations. Bilbo took his and held it in the palm of his hand, trying to will it to be bigger. As much as his quip from earlier had been made in annoyance, he really didn't know if he would be able to survive more of this. Lack of food, lack of sleep, and constant movement. He was likely to collapse at any moment. But what could he do or say? They were all hungry, they had an orc pack on their tail, and there was no time to stop and forage. He had just started to earn the respect of the company. Would complaining about how he needed more food than a typical dwarf despite being half the size put him right back in the position he was in before Carrock? He didn't want that. He liked the new softness that Thorin’s eyes held for him now. 

No, regardless of the risk, he knew what he had to do. It was not as if he would achieve rest with his stomach like this. He needed to find food, ANY food. He could sneak off and be back before anyone knew he was gone, and if he did find something, perhaps they wouldn't be so cross that he snuck out in the first place. 

______________

Across the camp, Thorin pulled Balin and Dwalin into a meeting. 

“We all know the situation. We have less than a week before we’re out of rations completely. These lands seem unusually barren of anything to hunt.” Balin stated. 

“Now that we’re out of the cliffside, we need to try and forage. It’s our only option!” Dwalin urged 

“The last time we stopped to forage, the Orcs made significant ground!” Thorin reminded him. When they first left the eagles, they had traveled for a few days, then when the company thought they were a fair distance from danger, they had scattered temporarily to look for anything edible and had managed to scrounge up a few things. That night, however, they heard their first sign that the wargs were drawing nearer. It would seem evil truly never slept. 

“We could use the downtime we have now?” Balin suggested. 

“No. The rest of the company hasn't gotten the chance to rest in days. They won't last another night of no sleep. I’ll go and be back in a few hours. When I return, we move again.” Thorin was particularly conceded about Bilbo. He had been in good spirits coming down from Carrock, but as the rations tightened, his mood went sour. In the last three days, Bilbo hasn't smiled a single time. The hobbit’s shrinking frame was not something that had gone unnoticed. He remembered Bilbo telling stories to the rest of the company that hobbits proudly ate seven times a day. At the time, it seemed an incredible feat. Dwarves could certainly pack down a meal when it was offered, but they could withstand sustaining themselves on small amounts of food for long times. It was this fact that got them through the first few harsh winters in Ered Luin. Now though, after months of watching how Bilbo’s body had changed, he realized that hobbits must have incredibly fast metabolisms. He was quite literally watching Bilbo wither away, and it was increasingly painful to watch. 

A few times, he had instructed Bombur to give his piece to Bilbo, with the instruction of letting him know they were able to forage more than usual and could spare the extra piece. The hunger of that day was made lighter by the quiet sounds of happiness Bilbo made when he ate. Every part of him wanted to keep Bilbo happy and smiling forever. 

Thorin didn't wait. After the meeting ended, he immediately started heading further into the trees. One of the hardest things about this area was that the clumps of trees present were dense but scarce. Thorin didn't like having the wind at his back. It felt too venerable, so he stuck to the forested areas as much as possible. An hour into his search and he found nothing. Another 30 min, and finally, he came across a downed tree littered with mushrooms. Thorin wasn't an expert at knowing what was and wasn't edible, so he grabbed as many as he could and stuffed them in the bag he had brought. Bombur or Bilbo could tell him if they were edible later. 

He started walking back towards camp, then stopped dead and quietly drew his sword as he heard the sound of the underbrush shaking. Either this was about to be a problem, or he was about to return to the company with something that would make Bilbo smile again. He listened for the sound of whatever it was to clear the underbrush, then lept out to attack. He dropped his sword mid-swing when he saw it was Bilbo. The hobbit had his shirt pulled up to make a pouch. The pouch was currently half-filled with mulberries. He looked like he had just been caught in a trap. His hazel eyes widened as he finished chewing the mouthful he had likely just eaten before Thorin appeared. His initial reaction was to be annoyed. Everyone in camp has strict orders to rest and not stray. Oh, but how could he be mad? Bilbo looked positively thrilled. His eyes had light in them, and he had a stain of mulberry juice just under his bottom lip. Bilbo’s presence did things to his mind even he didn't fully understand. He so badly wanted to remove the stain with his tongue. Thorin loved mulberries. They held a similar but sweeter taste to blackberries. Would they taste even better on Bilbo’s lips? Mahal above grant him willpower.  

“Thorin! I-I promise that I had every intention of sharing! Th-they just looked so good and-” Thorin put his hand on Bilbo’s wrist to stop the flood of words. 

“Peace, Master Baggins. I might have done the same. Mulberries don't last long once picked, anyway. We’ll have to eat all of these tonight, or they won't keep.” Thorin held out the bag he had brought so that Bilbo could deposit what he had collected. 

“I didn’t think dwarves would know about mulberries. They don't grow in the mountains.” 

“No, but they grew in the area between Ered Luin and The Shire. I traveled that road many times in search of work. They became some of my favorite things to look for on the journey.” Thorin closed the sack and gently placed it on the ground.

“Here, you should have some before we head back. I know you skip meals sometimes.” Bilbo took Thorin’s wrist and pulled it towards himself. He splayed his fingers over Thorin’s palm so that his hand oped more and dropped a hobbit-sized handful of berries. Bilbo’s hands were always so warm and so full of life. The casual contact felt nice; no, it felt right. He closed his hands over the berries gently so as not to crush them.

 “Thank you. If you want to look for more, you can. We have a little time before we need to head back. You really shouldn't have come out here alone, however. I would ask that you not do it again for your own safety.” 

 “Hey… are you dead yet? No? You're welcome. If I managed to save your life, I can protect my own long enough to pick berries. Besides, It was either I try to find food, go mad, or don't wake up from my next nap.”  He turned around and went back to tending the bush while he spoke. Thorin chewed on the words before they finally caught up to him. 

“Wait, what do you mean ‘Don't wake up from your next nap’? I knew you were having a harder time than the rest of the company, but I didn't realize it was that dire! Why didn't you say anything!” A zing of panic bolted through him. How much had he missed? Was Bilbo so starved that he verged on death?  

“Without food, hobbits wither. Eventually, if we can't find enough to eat after a long enough time, we just stop. It happened to a lot of hobbits once. The winter my mother was a small lass. Many hobbits died of starvation. Some lost their minds first; others just went to sleep and never woke up. I’ve never experienced hunger like this before, and it feels like my mother's stories, so I suppose it is possible. I didn't want to be an extra burden. We’re all suffering a lack of food, not just me. I had no right to complain,” Bilbo replied. Thorin took a step forward and spun Bilbo, so he was looking at him. He tried to keep the desperate and terrified tone out of his voice, resulting in him letting his anger loose instead. 

“You are dying! What better time is there? Fair does not mean equal. What would I have - we have done if you perished! This company needs its burglar if we are to see this quest through. After everything we went through in the goblin tunnels, you would let yourself die over something as simple as being a burden! I would rather you be a burden than dead!” Thorin was no longer gripping Bilbo’s shoulders. He had moved in his own panic to cradle Bilbo’s head between his hands. 

“I wasn't thinking straight; I’m sorry. But if we have to stop and forage every few days, then the wargs will catch up to us. I can't ask the company to put themselves in mortal danger for the sake of my stomach.” 

“Then I will! I will guarantee your safety!” Thorin took a step toward Bilbo but halted at the look of fear in his eyes. For a moment, he thought he had truly overstepped. He had been nothing but dismissive of Bilbo up until this point. What right did he have to ask Bilbo to trust him with his life? 

“Thorin, duck!” Bilbo yelled. He didn't have time to respond before Bilbo threw his weight into him, toppling them over. Thorin heard nothing in the undergrowth or area around them. He looked around to make sure Bilbo was ok and found him flat on his back next to him, clutching a large struggling snake in his hands. Thorin couldn't reach his sword from his position on his back, so he rolled on top of Bilbo, grabbed the snake, and crushed the bones around its neck with one hand rendering it dead. The snake fell limply at their side. 

“That’s an adder, very venomous,” Bilbo said between a few big gulps of air.” When Bilbo had the wind back in his lungs, he started laughing obnoxiously. Thorin cocked an eyebrow.

“It’s the absurdity of it all. We come to the woods to look for food. Both find a few things, run into each other, then run into a snake. It will make a funny story one day.” with that explanation, Thorin found he could not resist laughing either. “It gets better. They’re venomous, not poisonous, which means we just caught ourselves meat for a stew.” Bilbo giggled again and grabbed a berry off the ground, one of the ones Thorin had been holding in his hand, and popped it into his mouth, making a happy little sound. There was a distinct glint in Bilbo’s eye that didn't let Thorin move from where he was, even though he was incredibly aware that he was positioned over the hobbit. 

“Do I have something on my face?” Bilbo asked, bringing a hand up to his lips in a self-conscious move due to Thorin’s staring. Thorin’s eyes flickered to the stain of mulberry juice still on Bilbo’s lip. It was then that members of his company decided to burst through the underbrush. 

“Over here, I found them!” Dwalin shouted. His shout died on his lips as he saw the position they were in. Thorin quickly got to his feet, pulling Bilbo with him. 

“We caught dinner,” Thorin said, thrusting the snake into Dwalin's chest. Dwalin smirked. “Sorry to interrupt.” 

“Make sure Bilo gets back to camp safely.” Thorin grouched. He had almost done it. One more moment, and he would have laid claim to Bilbo’s soft lips and all the promises they held within them. When he returned to the rest of the company, he found a quiet place to sit and eat his share of mulberries. The more he ate, the more he was certain. They would indeed taste so much better on Bilbo’s lips. 

[bloodhoundluke]

slip away – luke hemmings

description: luke is having a tough time, and his girlfriend has had enough of his behavior.

pairing: she/her x luke hemmings

warnings: 🔞 drug abuse, angst, cursing (let me know if there's anything else).

word count: 1,4k-ish.

a/:n: so finally the when facing the things we turn away from series continues 🖤 this has been on my drafts for a while now and i decided to publish it after editing it. i was supposed to publish the series in a chronological order but i couldn't wait to publish this first (call me impatient lol) (edit: i republished this due to some issues) 🥺

this is pt. 8 of when facing the things we turn away from series.

GIF by kaleidoscopeminds

For the longest time, they were happy. Luke thought they were made for each other, and maybe they were for a while. Luke had feared that day would come. The day she would leave. She was tired of all the excuses, lies and the pain he had put her through. He was tired of hurting her. He really tried to change, but he just didn’t know how. The therapy and rehab helped for a while, until he relapsed and spiraled into a dark place.

It wasn’t just the drugs for her. He had changed, and if it came to asking her, he had changed for the worse. She happily played the role of the supportive girlfriend for a year or so. She tried to be by his side. He was the love of her life after all. He became cynical, cold. Distant. She tried to reach him, but how could you reach someone who didn’t want to be found? Lonely nights at their shared bedroom drove her insane. Luke spent his days in the studio or promoting the band’s new singles. Afterwards he hung out with the boys or sipped whiskey on the rocks at whatever bar he could find. He swore that he had been to every single bar in LA, and it humiliated him. But an addict would always be an addict, no matter the substance, right?

It was a Monday night. Stumbling across the house, Luke fell to the floor. She found him and helped pick him up. A bag of some white substance fell to the floor. She couldn’t believe it and she wanted to yell at him. She couldn’t understand what he was saying to her. It was utter nonsense. What he wanted to say was ‘sorry’. He didn’t even remember the last time they had truly spoken and neither did she. They were strangers to each other. She waited until he passed out on the sofa and checked his breathing just to make sure everything was alright. She got rid of the white substance and placed a glass of water on the coffee table for him. Petunia snuggled up to him, and she could barely remember when she had seen the two lying next to each other. It reminded of how things used to be and the memories felt like a knife in the chest. But she had decided already that she’d leave him. Around 5am, Luke made his way to the bedroom and woke her up. She decided it was time. The time to leave him. If she'd wait for longer, she didn't know if she would be able to pull it off. Luke would apologize, and she'd comfort him. That scenario had happened one too many times already.

“Don’t you leave me in this silence”, he sobbed into her black hoodie, his head snuggled against her chest.

“I am sorry, Luke…but we are no longer good together. I can’t take it anymore…the lies. The... bullshit. I am done”, she looked down at him and bit her lips. They had been like this for a while now, just her hugging him and his head against her chest. But she would have to move away from him soon. She was still scared that he could persuade her to stay.

Luke repositioned himself and didn’t say anything back. For a while, their arms were wrapped around each other’s bodies. Luke pressed a kiss on top of her head, as if saying she mattered the most to him. And she did, of course she did. He knew he fucked up when he started to use again, but it was an addiction. There were bound to be setbacks.

She was the first one to back away from the embrace.

“I lo….love you”, was the last thing she heard before exiting their once so happy home. The house they had bought together. The house they had renovated together, despite it took forever to finish. The house in which they had made their future plans. But now it had turned to a house of a broken, lonely hearted man. 

Luke replayed the night she found out about his drug abuse in his head about a million times. He couldn't stop blaming himself.

“Do you want to be with me, Luke?”, she questioned the curly-haired man in front of her.

“Of course I do”.

“Then why do you do this shit?”, she was pissed, Luke could tell.

“What shit?”, he spat.

“I found the Xanax”, her tears fell down her cheeks despite she tried hard to keep them in.

“What do you mean? Xanax?”. She could tell he was acting oblivious - she knew him too well at this point. He was lying to her, she knew. 

“Yes, the fuckin’ Xanax, Luke! What the fuck is going on?”.

“Nothin’. Nothin’ is going on. Don’t worry”. He locked himself in the downstairs bathroom - thankfully she had removed the pills from there. She prayed he didn’t have another stash lying somewhere.

“Luke? Luke! Open the door”, she banged heavily on the door. No answer. She kept on going, until he opened the door. 

His eyes were bloodshot. He stood still. It was like he didn’t have any emotions behind those eyes. He looked like Luke… but he wasn’t like Luke. He didn’t seem to resemble the Luke she had fallen in love with. Not the giggly, charming Luke. Not the empathetic, loveable Luke. He was an empty shell.

“Help me, please”, Luke whimpered the next morning. She had almost dropped him off at some rehabilitation center last night, but Luke had begged her not to do so.

“I promise, I’ll help you”, she planted a kiss on his forehead and caressed his hair. What had happened? And how come hadn’t she noticed?

It had been a year since she had left him. She hoped he’d be better off without her and vice versa. It had been an adjustment for them both; trying to get used to the idea of not being together anymore. For a while, she had felt horrible and devastated. So heartbroken. She felt like there was a piece of her soul missing. Everything seemed to be a reminder of him. Seeing the heart shaped cookies in the nearby store they used to eat together felt like a punch in the stomach. Hearing their favorite romantic ballads on the radio killed her inside. The smell of his worn out sweaters that she had accidentally packed drove her insane: why couldn't she just forget about him already?  Slowly, but surely she survived. The things that reminded of him gradually started to feel indifferent. Sometimes they even evoked positive feelings: she was grateful for the good times they had shared. And the bad times were a life lesson.

What she didn’t know was that Luke was an absolute mess for the first five months. Without the help from the boys, he probably wouldn’t have eaten in days. Or left his bed. Or brushed his teeth. All that was racing around his mind was her. And the memories they had created together. The beautiful picnic she had set up for him when they were in London a few years ago. The first 'I love you' in the rain. The way he introduced her to his family and they instantly fell in love with her, just like he had done when they first met. And the moments that never happened, like the proposal he had planned for her. It was supposed to be an intimate and breathtaking picnic. Great food and wine, and even greater company. He could still imagine what their life together would be now that he is better. How they would share small moments of intimacy, promising to love each other until the day they die. How he'd do anything in his power to make her feel like the luckiest woman in the world.  

The memories started to fade over time. But it didn’t mean they didn’t matter; they mattered the world. Luckily for Luke, he had experienced two silver linings in his life: her and rehab.

“I can feel you slip away, like I knew you would”, he sadly half-smiles and pets Petunia on the balcony of his newly purchased oceanfront house.

© 2023 bloodhoundluke.

[thatawesomenerdygirl]

Comfort in a company | Dick Grayson

I'm warming up so I will be writing somewhat, maybe progressive, platonic (friendship) stuff.

Reader is Dick's closest friend and knows of his identity.

**

You had been living with your partner for a little while now.

More like 2 years already.

At first it was nice and sweet, they were always home to keep you company, they were the one who asked you to live with them to escape your horrible living conditions. You appreciated everything they did for you, they truly cared for you and showed it through their actions. Took you on road trips and food adventures whenever you both were free.

Though, it had been some time since you noticed they were a little bit distant, your partner went out a lot now. They never really told you where they were off to.

"I'm going out."

That's all they would say and they would come back super late. Sometimes it would be 3 or 4 in the morning. Though, they'd still check up on you whenever they were on their way home but that still didn't ease your thoughts.

Plus it sucked to be alone most of the time.

You sighed.

Dick, who was just visiting, looked at you over the rim of his coffee mug. He was sat across from you, who were sitting on the couch, on the floor.

"What's up?" He asked, sipping his coffee before putting the mug down on the coffee table.

"I think I'll be home alone again tonight," you answered, your mood was sour which was understandable.

The first thing Dick noticed when the door opened was the tear streaks on your face. He went inside and engulfed you in a tight hug after slamming the door shut, kissing your head as you sobbed into his chest and stayed that way  until your shoulders stopped shaking.

He felt bad because he hadn't been able to visit you, it had been months. His work was taking so much of his time.

That and protecting the city was definitely not easy and time consuming.

That didn't mean he didn't try, he kept you updated of his life and you with yours so Dick knew what was going on, but just glimpses, the guy didn't know how long had this been going on and how bad it was.

He just knew that your partner would always go out straight as soon as they came back from work or during the weekends they'd have plans that did not involve you.

Dick watched you wipe more stray tears before moving to sit beside you, your thighs touching together because of how close you were.

His presence always brought you so much comfort, he was protective over his friends, very touchy but that was Dick.

He still respects boundaries and all you need was just to say the word.

He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, "I'll stay here and keep you company," he offered, "if you are okay with it of course. A sleepover, it's been a while."

You lean into his side, looking up at him with teary but sweet smile that always made him smile back, showing his pearly whites.

"That would be nice, I don't think I can take another night of this," you finally admitted, chest feeling lighter now that you were getting it out.

"I don't want to sound selfish, I really don't mind them going out and having fun with their friends but I feel neglected?" You told him, "they barely spend time with me anymore at home, Dick. We talked about this and they said they'd spend more time with me but here we are."

Dick could feel you starting to cry again and he let you, you needed this and he was there to provide you with the company that you needed.

"Am I boring? Is it selfish that I want them around me more?"

He was quick to shake his head, "no, if anything you are the least boring person that I know of and no, it is not selfish to want your partner to spend time with you."

He could practically see the dark thoughts that were forming in your head. You had been having more of those ever since all this happened.

"This... this is not good for you, sweetheart," he pointed out as he rubbed your shoulder with his calloused thumb, "the overthinking that they give you right now, the constant worries and the tears."

"I know, Dick. I told myself I need to leave but it sounds selfish that I want to leave because we never really spend time together."

"No, it's not," he was stern and it made you look back up into his breathtaking blue eyes, he quickly gave your nose a light pinch as he continued, "and if I can spend several minutes out of my patrol to check on my little doofus, why can't they?"

You look down at your clasped hands to hide the heat that was creeping up to your cheeks, "good point."

"Now, how does a movie and cuddles-until-we-are-sick-of-each-other sound?"

You snorted out a laugh and you felt your heart fluttered in your chest, "Ha! I would never get sick of you, dickhead."

"So, is that a yes?" He grinned.

"Mhm, of course," you got up, "now let me just turn on the aircon because you and I will sweat our asses off if I don't."

[mynotsohealthyobsession]

Disembodied parte 4/8

Warning: Mention of death // Angst // Fluff

Pairings: Adrian Raines X MC // Nik Ryder X MC

Words: 1.277

As always, tags in the reblog!

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

They both stood rooted in place. Neither of them moved or said a word. It seemed like time had stopped and neither of them knew how to reset it. Their eyes studied each other's faces, recognizing themselves. Amy saw the ponytail that Alex had made with her hair, something truly unusual for her. Alex, instead, noticed that Amy had picked her more casual clothes, avoiding anything hunter-related.

After a while, Amy walked inside the penthouse and closed the door behind her, leaning her back against it to keep her distance. She cleared her throat, trying to compose herself. "I don't know if you are who I think you are but���"

"You are Amy." Alex cut her. "The real Amy."

"And you are Alex."

"Yes."

"We need to talk."

"No kidding. Let's start with what's going on and why are you in my body?"

"I don't know." Amy said sorrowfully. "I've been asking myself that for over a week." Alex stood quietly, simply observing Amy and what used to be her body. It was curious but for some reason, she trust Amy. She sighed.

"So I guess you know as much as I do."

"If you know absolutely nothing, then yeah, we are on the same page." Alex chuckled grimly.

"I need a drink." Alex said and Amy observed how her former body moved to the kitchen without her conscience in it. Like she was watching an extremely realistic movie about herself. “Where the hell is the alcohol here?”

"There's a wine cellar under the counter."

"You have been here before?"

"Yeah. Adrian let me stay here for a while last year." Amy looked around nostalgically. "And we celebrated our first victory here."

"I see." Alex returned with two glasses and a bottle of wine, sitting back in front of Amy again. "This has to be the strangest thing I've ever seen in my life." She commented. "And trust me, I've seen a few really weird things."

"Yeah, me too." She took the glass that Alex was passing her taking a big and grateful sip of it, trying to relax her nerves.

"I don't know if you know but I'm a vampire." She thought over her words for a second. "Well, you are a vampire."

"I imagine it." Amy sighed. "After what happened I guess it was the only option."

"Does it bother you?"

"...No. I didn't want to die or leave Adrian and the rest behind." She touched her chest. "There are too many things I want to see and do yet."

"I know the feeling."

“I tried to talk with Adrian about it before everything but it wasn't the right time. The truth is… I wanted to be Turned. Maybe under better circumstances but…” She took a deep breath. "Anyway… Apparently, you have new powers too."

"I do?" Amy put her hand up, the palm facing the ceiling, and concentrated, closing her eyes. After a while, her skin became warmer and Alex gasped. "Oh, I can't wait to test those babies out." She grinned until their reality hit them again. "If we actually manage to get this right."

"We will. We have to."

"What happened to Thomas?"

"Thomas?" Amy paused for a second. "Oh, that white thing." She nodded. "When I woke up, I killed it, with your new powers."

“Finally. That bastard gave us a lot of problems.” Alex left her glass on the table. “Everybody is okay, right?”

"Yes, they are all fine. They were more concerned about you.” She took the bottle, removing the cork again. “Nik came with me, actually."

"Oh."

"You don't sound too happy. Should I tell him to leave?"

"No, it's just… Things are complicated between us right now."

"I see." Amy filled the glasses again. "If it's worth anything, he's been really worried about you." Alex shrugged, looking down at the red wine. "Are you close to him?"

"I thought I was." Her stare became distant like her mind was somewhere else. "But apparently his care has an expiration date." Amy nodded, taking a sip. "How about you and Adrian?"

"We are. I think…" Amy smiled. "...We are kinda dating? Maybe?" She grinned for a moment until her eyes focused on Alex and her smile was gone. She hadn't thought of what had happened here until now. They had kissed? Or maybe more? She couldn't blame him if it was the case, he would have thought it was her, but it would hurt either way.

"I think you should know that nothing happened between us."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I have the feeling that he was wanting to talk about something with me… You… But the second he noticed something was different, he kept his distance." Alex swirled the reminds of wine in her glass, pensive. “I think that, deep down, he knew I wasn’t you.”

“I’m not that surprised, to be honest.” Amy gently chuckled to herself. “Adrian is really perceptive at times.”

“I think he is especially perceptive about you.” Amy drank a sip, covering her smile with the glass.

“Same goes for you and Nik, you know.” Alex bit down her bottom lip, looking a little sad. “And nothing happened between us either. Actually, he gave me a really hard time.”

“He gives everyone a hard time.” Alex stood, getting close to the dark window and looking down to where Adrian and Nik were waiting for them. “He is kind of an ass but his heart is in the right place. Most of the time at least.”

“He also wants to talk with you about something. From the moment I woke up.” Alex nodded absently. “You don’t seem surprised.”

“I’m not. Before Thomas’ attack he…” Alex sighed. “Let’s just say we weren't on the same page.”

“I understand.” Amy also let her gaze wander to wander to the outside world. “Are you ready to go?”

“As ready as I’m going to be.” She took a jacket and they both walked to the hallway, taking the elevator down. Seeingthe woman exit the elevator, the men walked over.

“Everything okay?” Adrian asked.

“Yeah.” Amy smiled at him and Alex cleared her throat.

"I think I should introduce myself. Alex Fontaine. And…" She hesitated before continuing to talk. "...Adrian, I'm sorry that I've lied to you for this past week, I–"

"There's no need for that." His tone was polite and normal, not angered at all. "I understand why you did it."

"Thank you."

"Alex," Nik called her. She didn't say a word, simply watching him with a mix of anger and sadness in her posture.

Amy called Adrian's attention with a discreet squeeze on his upper arm. "Maybe we should give them some privacy." She murmured to him.

"I appreciate it but that's not necessary," Alex said, firmly. "First, I think we should try to figure this out." She narrowed her eyes looking at Nik's eyes directly. "Then we'll see."

"Works for me." Nik agreed. "Ivy is going to join us in a video call. She decided to stay back in NOLA and check some books."

"We can use the conference room for that," Adrian said, guiding the group through the doors to the elevator.

Nik whistled looking around. "Nice setup, man. Are you trying to compensate for something?"

"Nik!" Alex reprimanded him but Adrian just smirked.

"Curious. That was my exact thought about your many weapons." He opened the conference room and gave Nik access to the main computer to call Ivy. Only a minute later, her face popped on the wall screen. After exchanging a few friendly words, she looked straight at the camera.

"I have found a few things about this you all need to hear."

✨️

[fabulous109]

My Light- Embry Call fanfic

Chapter 1-Emily

"Emmett. Stop. Seriously!" I begged as he was trying to see how high he could throw me and succeed in a safe catch without me falling in the snow. As usual, he overestimated his ability to truly catch me safely, leaving me with a broken wrist, three broken fingers, and an incredibly powerful urge to kill him again. Dad (Carlisle) fixed it up and declared it would be perfect within a few weeks since it was not as bad as the bruising and swelling seemed. Either way, anyone can imagine I was ecstatic to leave our cabin in Denali and get away from my brother. He always gets this way when he knows I am fixing to leave for more than a few hours....okay when he knows I am leaving. He isn't so bad if I can sneak away. If strangers didn't know the truth about my family, they would think either he was seriously overprotective or down straight weird. I can't deny either of those assumptions, but in reality he is actually simply jealous. Jealous of my friends in La Push. He gets nine months of the year with me, he can deal.

He quickly changed his tune once mom was involved. I for one was glad for the repreve from his constant whining about me leaving. Each year I believe it actually gets worse. I wonder if his problem is that I am 17 and it is my last summer in La Push until it is up to my choice. I graduated high school finally, but the agreement was that upon my 18th birthday I can make that decision, among others that I have been blocking out of my brain for several months now.

My birthday is in August. The end of the summer. Normally I look forward to it with a bonfire at the beach to send me off until the next summer. A slew full of last are coming and my anxiety is getting hard to manage. Jasper is struggling to control it at times too. He is pretending to not be worried, but I know his facial expressions. He is. I think part of it is Embry. It's always Embry. We aren't dating and he seems more distant as the days go. Yeah, we text all the time, but the calls are awkward lately. I like to pretend it is his way of getting up the courage to ask me out, but mostly I think it is because he is interested in another girl. The guys promised he wasn't, even Billy randomly texted me one day to tell me to quit worrying, I am still all he talks about. Then why can't he talk to me? Better yet, ASK ME OUT!

Reality is that if he doesn't, I have to confront him at the end of the summer. Jacob and Billy are determined that he will because they claimed to have a plan. Three months doesn't seem like enough but as always June 1-August 31 will be his time slot. Quil is looking forward to "Embry confessing his undying love". That was one text at 3 am followed by a series more with phone calls waking me up to ask if I received them. Quil 3 am bud. Funny enough all the guys were up playing video games and Quil didn't want Embry to see the messages since last time Embry gave him a black eye. It was rough housing as Billy called, but it started from Embry's embarrassment. He claimed he was working on it, but the entire La Push community wanted him to work faster. 12 years was long enough. Jacob really enjoyed telling me that story in deep details. He knew I would've asked. Jacob enjoyed spreading the news.

I had another reason for needing to know his feelings. I was madly in love with the guy since we were 5, but I wanted to move there. I made my decision the day I met Embry. I wanted to be human because he was. What if I had both options because he didn't want me? I could visit them and just say I moved away after a while. There is always a way to fake photographs of me aging with a fake family or something. Thinking about the pain, I didn't want to find out how it felt or if I was brave enough. I loved chocolate too much too and waffles. Five Guys burgers always were our favorite spot right outside of Forks. Okay the food is enough to stay human. That is something I can always lean on, I can hang with the guys- food trips, summers in La Push, late night sleepovers. I mean it is kinda inevitable since I live at Billy's house, although there are open door policies and his room is between Jake's and mine. Billy trust us, fate however gave me that deal of a sleeping arrangement since the guest bedroom is the first one you come to. It is also right beside the living room where the guys usually all sleepover for more room to sprawl out. My mother is more than happy with this arrangement. As we became teenagers, she became even more overbearing at times. Besides the boys part, she is in my corner and takes my shenanigans all in good humor. Except broken anything.

"SHUT UP! You KNOW I go every year. I don't understand why this year makes as big of a difference to you and the way you are acting." Emmett stared at her, not knowing the words to choose to where she could see that La Push isn't the place to spend her life. Esme gave Emily a look for shouting, and told Emmett she has had enough of him today with the incident that resulted in my injuries earlier that day. Also, he is not the dictator of where I live, when I travel, who I see or marry since I am almost an adult. I do. "I just think a cruise to Antarctica would be a better way to spend your summer. Ouu what about a trip to Africa and we can see great white sharks? I'll even promise not to use you as bait or shove you out of the cage if you go cage diving! Please Emily don't go". I literally asked mom if there was blood pouring down my ears since I think he had finally busted them. "Emmett, I am not married to you so stop acting like it. I know Rose said she would trade you for a new handbag but she was kidding. I wouldn't share a cabin on a ship because knowing you, you would jump off the top deck just for fun knowing the water won't cause hypothermia and I would have to explain why you aren't dead yet without laughing cause you actually are. You would use me as shark bait even if you promise. You been obsessed with Megalodon for years now." Emmett opened his mouth to continue with more absurd reasons that I knew had no backing as his promises would not be as wonderful as he made them sound.

Esme shot him one final look making him get the hint to walk away, then turned to me. "I know about Embry. Don't let a guy change or make up your mind about anything, including Emmett. He is a spoiled baby." "I heard that!", he called from upstairs. At a normal voice Esme replied, "Good, you were meant to. Now stop interrupting!" I rolled my eyes and she continued, much to my embarrassment and honestly a little annoyance since I wanted to keep him a secret so long from them all. "I know the end of the summer brings many choices. Do what you have been looking into if you want or anything else. Your dad and I stand behind you as long.." "....as long as I am being a kind person making moral choices based on high standards for happiness without settling. Yes mom I know." I appreciated the fact that she didn't let the secrets that I have been looking for a home in Forks to start my career. Every summer since I was 12 I have helped out at the bakery and some of my original recipes are still featured on the menu. I have been offered a job upon becoming 18 as the manager of the whole bakery, including full discretion on the menu offerings, catering procedures, and even starting a delivery service for smaller everyday orders. The problem with that is that we don't make to order unless it is scheduled weeks in advance. Right now, trying to have a system that updates on my daily inventory to customers in real time is not worth the time and money it will cost to get started.

The issue I am currently having is really starting to get annoying- Emmett. I want to tell everyone my dilemma and talk it out. He can't change Embry due to Billy's conditions, but he thinks he has leverage to control me for this decision. I know open hearts, minds, and ears will not be there. Something will be broken trying to control his anger. There will be a total stand-off with him and everyone on my side for weeks maybe years. He won't handle it well. What I am not understanding is why though since he knows he can move back to Forks. Billy always claimed it was something with the elders, nothing to be worried about that made that decision. He would never claim his opinion either way suspiciously, but did say he was following their wants and wishes from the past. I also know something very bad must of happened to make it to where he knew about my family and to make them stay away. I will be 18 at the end of the summer and I just wish we can all move there together. That way within 30 minutes pending weather and traffic I can go see both of my families. Whenever I bring it up though, he gets a weird look on his face and walks away. Obviously he is hiding whatever his reason is.

Embry's romantic feelings will determine my decision. I am not going to look into the eyes of someone who I professed my love to and did not receive theirs in return for the rest of my life. I think I would rather melt into oblivion of shame and embarrassment elsewhere, preferably warm and sunny. I guess since our flight is tomorrow we can let the 3 month countdown begin, as Quil decided to text me again at 3 am.

[vixen-academia]

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share?

oh, okay, I had to translate that LOL.

I'm sorry if it isn't perfect, I never wrote fiction in English before. This is a part of the Hunger Games fic I'm working on. It is called “Double-edged Knife” and it's about the first Quarter Quell. We follow the history of the female tribute from District 10, Melissa Hunter (oc)

(cw of comphet)

“Hey, Aren. Yeah, I had to get away from the love birds there. They are lovely together, but sometimes it makes me sick.” I joke with him. Aren smiled at me, clearly pretending he understood what I was saying, and then we fell into an awkward silence.

“Can, hm… Can we talk? I don't wanna be a killjoy or anything, it's just…”

I took a deep breath. Well, someday I will have to deal with that. It was better to do it now. 

I held Aren's hand at the same time I took a Crazy Cow's shot that a girl was holding next to me. 

“I pay you another one.” I told her, pulling Aren to the stairs.

The second floor of the barn was used for two things: the type of thing that drunk young people would do in a dark place and conversations you don't want others to hear. 

We went to a spot that was distant enough from the moaning — which actually surprised me, as the party just started —, where there was a huge window that looked out into the night. I sat with my legs hanging out the window, while Aren sat next to me. 

“Right. You want to talk about last week.”

“Yeah, I… Look, I don't want things to get awkward between us, you know? You're a nice girl, for real. I don't know what I was thinking to confess to you that out of the blue, but I didn't want you to be weird with me.”

I nodded, still unable to look at him. Last week I drank too much. We both drank too much. We were dancing and Aren said he loved me since we were 14. I stopped and looked at him for a long time. I thought maybe… Maybe liking someone who already likes me would be easier. 

I kissed him. I convinced him to take me to his house afterward. I thought maybe he was an exception. 

The next day, not only did I know he wasn't an exception, I felt horrible. For kissing him, for going so far, for using him like that. I spent 7 days escaping from Aren, which isn't that difficult since we work on different farms. But I knew that at some point I would have to talk to him about it. 

“Aren, listen… You're a great guy, truly. You will make a girl really happy someday.”

Silence. I could sense him looking at me, but I couldn't face him back.

“But that girl will not be you.” He finally whispers. I nod, finally looking in his direction. 

“I'm sorry Aren, I… I let myself be carried away by the alcohol, I never meant to hurt you.”

He stood up quickly and turned his back to me. Of course, it would end like this. 

“No Mel, it's okay, you drank too much. ”

“Aren, listen me, please…”

He then looks at me. I could see his sorrow, but at the same time, there was some comprehension there.

“Hey, it's okay. Sure, it hurts a little, but it will pass.”

“I meant what I said about you being a nice guy, you're not the problem. It's just…”

“I'm not Rosalind or Vanessa?”

I stood up instinctively, looking at him with wide eyes, looking for any tone of malice in his eyes or voice. But I couldn't find it. 

 “It's not what looks like.” I whispered, more to myself than to him, but he came close to me.

 “Mel...” 

I don't know how, but I just got out of there. I was shaking, my heart was racing. I couldn't breathe. I ran down the stairs, bumping into one person or another as I mumbled apologies until I was outside the barn. The back part had another door, with a playpen, where people usually went to smoke. But at that moment I just wanted to breathe fresh air, regardless of whether there was a little smoke or not.

[sims-half-crazy]

"Eugene, we need to speak...", Goldie faltered a moment before clearing her throat, "I have something to confess." Eugene looked at his wife. His wonderfully dependable, beautiful wife, and he had a feeling that he knew what she was about. Their lovemaking had been slow to resume since Eunice's birth, but they hadn't been monks. A small smile graced his face as he waited for her to continue. "I don't know how it happened and it is very out of character for me, but I promise you it won't happen again!" Eugene's smile fell and he waited for her to continue.

His time in the spotlight had taught him that people would tell you exactly what you needed to know by applying pressure with quiet indifference. People wanted you to care about them. People wanted you to agree with them. People did not know how to handle it when you were unresponsive, but they gave up so many tells in those moments when they were waiting for you to respond. He used this tactic on his wife now, and it shattered them. "I kissed another, but it meant nothing! I truly don't even know how it came about. We were having a pleasant time and completely innocent until it wasn't! I just don't know what happened, but I know that I'll never falter again. I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm not that person. I am not one to stray. I've been so ridden with guilt since it happened that I'm surprised you haven't mentioned anything."

There it was; the truth was out and Eugene was angrier than he'd ever been. His greatest fear had been that whomever he married would cheat on him and now it'd happened. He was furious. "HOW COULD YOU?! You're my wife. MY WIFE. We took vows! I would never have thought you'd be the kind of harlot to throw themselves at someone other than their husband. WHO WAS IT? I will have the truth from you now or so help me I will make your life hell," Eugene bellowed.

"I did not mean to! It was an accident. I never meant for it to happen. I didn't even think I had those feelings for anyone else, but they just bubbled up like a geyser. I liked being paid attention too. I miss being paid attention to," Goldie cried as she threw her arms up in the air. "Since Eunice was born you don't touch me anymore. You don't seek me out. You work and you eat and you sleep. Never once do you pay me any heed. We sleep in the same bed, but how many times have we lain together as husband and wife in that time? Did me giving birth disgust you so much? I know that my body has changed and things aren't quite what they were, but I am still your wife and I have needs as well! I am not the only one who has done wrong here!"

"Are you saying that my focus on furthering my career gave you license to cuckhold me?! Is that what you're trying to say? That you are at less fault because I did something wrong in your eyes? You, madam, are sorely mistaken if you think I'm going to hold myself accountable for your wanton ways."

"I am not holding you responsible for my actions. They are my own. I didn't have to tell you anything. Can you, honestly, tell me that you'd have noticed if I hadn't said anything? You have ignored me as your wife and that is an indisputable fact."

"I cannot divorce you, so if that is what you're after I will not allow it. My position demands that I play the happy family man. it seems that I am a failure at doing even that. This is why I hold all of you at arm's length! This is why getting close to people is dangerous! I don't care what you do, but you will keep it behind closed doors. I will not have you embarrassing me. We can approach this as businesses do."

"ARE YOU DAFT? We are talking about our marriage! Our lives. Together - for the rest of our natural lives. I knew you could be unfeeling and distant, but this is a new low! I have told you that your ignoring of me is a problem and your solution is to create a business partnership!? The sheer audacity of your thoughts is astounding and dumbfounding. Are you really that unfeeling?" Goldie came at him like he'd never experienced before. She was animated, arms flailing and red in the face. She stood up to him as a lioness stands to protect her young. She reminded him of his mother. She was a lioness. She was quieter about it though, more demure. She commanded with a quiet authority but he remembered times where she had raised her voice and the shock of it had dumbfounded him. He looked at his wife with a better recognition of her plight and turmoil. He had ignored her. He hadn't touched her the way a husband should touch his wife. He hadn't heeded her feelings or thoughts or even her presence the way he should. He was angry, rightly so, but he wasn't blameless.

"I am leaving." As he strode out of the room, Goldie's head fell into her hands and she sobbed. She knew that she shouldn't have kissed Katlyn, but she could never tell him who it was she kissed. She liked kissing her. She liked the way she made her feel. She felt listened to with Katlyn, but who was she deluding. Katlyn, Gilbert's aunt, was her employee and she had taken advantage of her. She was never going to tell Eugene the identity of who she kissed, but she also couldn't ignore that she had liked the way Katlyn's womanly curves fit against her own.

[wardenred]

Whumptember 13: "You don't remember, do you?"

Started here, continued here, and I guess this is the conclusion.

First, there was the light hitting their eyes. Then, the dull, throbbing pain in their skull, just behind their left year. Next, a warm pressure of fingers against the pulse point on their wrist, right when a hazy, mostly white shape swam into their blurry vision. Finally, a voice, such a familiar, welcome voice, "Can you hear me, Rin?"

"N.." They had to pause and move their tongue around, forcing some saliva around their mouth. "Nadia?"

The firm mattress of the hospital bed dipped only slightly next to their hip. Rin caught a whiff of honey-sweet perfume mixed with terse medical chemicals and felt like crying. Their eyes still didn't cooperate very well, but it took minimum visual cues from reality to picture her soft, concerned smile. Except was it reality, truly? Or simply a seizure-induced hallucination?

"Welcome home," she said, leaning forward. Something smooth, almost tendril-like touched their lips. It took Rin a moment to realize it was a piece of IV tube dipped into a glass of water. They drank until she pulled the glass away, thirstier with each gulp. 

"I'll get you more in ten minutes," Nadia promised, setting the glass aside. This sound was familiar, too: the click of glass against a plastic-lined surface. As Rin's awareness grew, they kept noticing new noises. The steady beeping of some sort of machine they were no doubt hooked to. The distant whisper of traffic outside. Somebody's footsteps in the corridor, beyond the curtained doorway.

"Is this..." They could hardly believe this could really be the infirmary in the Lost Underground. That life felt too far away. Imaginary.

Nadia nodded, and this time they could see the gesture perfectly well, even though the finer details of her face were still foggy. "You're Underground. We got you out. You and Dale both." She squeezed Rin's arm. "What you did was suicidally brave."

Rin didn't feel brave. They felt tired. And, above all, confused.

"How's Dale?" This was the important question. They braced themself for an answer and nearly choked on a breath of relief when it came.

"He's well. Hardly needed any patching up, beyond some work on his bruises. I imagine he'll show up soon to check up on you. Now, I know you've never liked the infirmary, but you'll have to stay for at least a few days, hear me? No escaping. I'll need to make sure there are no long-term effects to extracting that chip."

The chip. "Didn't it... disintegrate?"

Even through the strange haze, he noticed Nadia's dark eyebrows go up. "Why would it? That's not what this kind of tech does."

"But..." But he said it would. He said no one would find proof...

The music of the machine's beeping changed rhythm. Rin's throat constricted.

Stupid. Oh fuck, they've been so stupid. Why did they keep assuming the villain was telling them the truth? Why—

"Rin." Nadia's voice wasn't exactly harsh, but it left no room for their mind to wander. "Breathe. You've just woken up, I don't think you want me to put you under right away."

"N-no," they agreed. Breathing. Right. Breathing was probably the right thing to do. Except. How could they have been so stupid?

"It was the chip." Rin didn't know if they'd spoken aloud, or if they were just that predictable. Chances were, Nadia was simply that smart. "In addition to altering your behavior, it also messed with your perception of reality. It led you to believe everything that fucker told you, even when it contradicted what you knew. Like when he told you that our group didn't tolerate traitors in any shape or form and that we all believed you should have died before surrendering. You knew that wasn't true, but the chip made you overwrite your own memories and emotional experiences. Nasty piece of work, that. We'll see how certain people will enjoy the effect once I replicate it."

Rin licked their lips. "How—how do you even know what he told me?"

She took their hand again, cuddled their wrist between her palms. "You don't remember, do you? We've tried to establish contact with you so many times, in ways that would be safe for you. We kept planning extractions. Sometimes, we got to talk to you for a bit, but every time, that fucker intercepted us and he told you our people weren't there. And you..."

"I believed him," Rin finished for her, weakly. The memories were starting to float to the surface of his mind. Trying to focus on the details hurt, quite literally, but they were there. 

"Don't strain yourself just yet," Nadia said, again in her best "I'm the doc here" tone. "I need you to work on staying as calm as you can, and if that doesn't work, you'll need to go back to sleep. The surgery went very well. Your vitals are normal. You're on the road to recovery, no doubts there. But you've spent months under a lot of stress, and you were in a neurogenic shock when we got you out. Being close to the epicenter of the explosion didn't help, either."

"Explosion?" They genuinely didn't remember.

"That's something that can wait until later. Let me get you more water." She stood up to refill the glass. "Don't dwell on the past just yet, or the future, or anything at all. The important thing is you're home."

Home. Free.

This sounded too good to be true.

[freedpheonix]

So Many Signs

I should have listened. I should have listened to my mother and other friends and family when they told me they didn't like him and something wasn't right with him. Instead, I got overly defensive. Growing up I always thought my mom was "judgy" about other people, but now that I'm an adult with my own kids I know she was ALWAYS right. I wish I'd listened.

He made me believe he was truly a victim. That he was a good person and people just judged him for no reason and that he'd had a hard life. He convinced me his dad was controlling and mean and everyone was out to get him. I thought I could make it better. I thought I was a good person for seeing the light in the dark. It ended up just being the devil holding the torch to guide me to Hell.... Sounds so dramatic, but it's true. I got sucked in, despite all the signs, despite my gut feeling and my brain telling me it was wrong. The toxic dance of an empath and a narcissist.

We weren't together long and I had to move out of my apartment and in with my grandparents. They lived over an hour away from him and our relationship turned long-distance. I gradually heard from him less-and-less. He always had excuses why he couldn't visit me. Always blamed his father for not allowing him to come out, made up fake car problems, and more. He visited once every 2-3 months. He would say he was on his way out in the morning and not show up until 8 o'clock at night or later. Kept making up excuses about errands and stuff that kept him late. By the time he got there, he'd sit on the couch and nod out in front of everyone from the Methadone, then he had to leave in the early morning so he would make it in time for his next dose. I genuinely don't know what I was thinking back then. I felt out-of-control and constant anxiety about the relationship. I knew in my gut he was cheating with others but couldn't prove it. Then came the day I found out he changed his Facebook status to "single" after I hadn't heard from him for a week. He didn't say a word to me. Just started seeing someone else. Turned out, she was in her late thirties. She was almost 17 years older than him. I was devastated. A week later, I found out I was pregnant. I messaged and told him and his mother ended up messaging me about it. Then he started to threaten me, he said he wished I was dead and I was fat and ugly. He said a lot of disgusting things to me. He said when he saw me he was going to slit my throat and make sure there was no baby. There were a lot of nasty things said by he and his mother. I had to just avoid him and prepare to be a young, single mom of two. Weeks went by and I didn't have anything to do with him. I'd blocked him on social media and deleted his number. One day, out of the blue, he messaged me asking when he could see me to give me back some of movies. I was just starting to feel better and was happy with him out of sight, out of mind. It's like a radar went off that I was losing interest. I ignored that message, instead I got in touch with his mom about getting the rest of my stuff back. Again he messaged me asking why I talked to his mom and not him. He played innocent, saying I could still talk to him. I continued to ignore him. I focused on me and my daughter and trying to heal and grow... He kept texting randomly a hi here or there. One day he messaged me saying how sorry he was and how much he missed me. He said all the right things and I answered him back pretending to be indifferent. He feigned hurt. Me responding to him allowed him to work his way back in, and I thought things would be better. Hahaha. Ah. I really thought it would be better...

It was a few days later it was his birthday. He was acting distant again. Ignoring my messages, making up excuses about him being busy. He hadn't made any effort to visit me and we still weren't officially back together. He had added me back on Facebook and I was scrolling through my timeline and guess what I happened upon... lol he was "in a relationship" with that older woman. After sucking me back in and telling me we were getting back together. Again, I was blindsided. Deep in my gut, I knew he was still being shady but being the king manipulator he was he kept me where he wanted me. Before I confronted him, I sent her a message telling her what happened, how he said he was getting back with me all the while being with her and that I was pregnant. Next thing I knew, he was sending me angry and cruel messages about how I'm psychotic and he was never getting back with me again because I ruined his f***ing birthday. I was stupid, I was a liar, I was a psycho wh*re. It was all my fault that he wasn't going to talk to me again, etc... Again, he messed up and I was made to feel like I caused the problem. I knew it wasn't my fault and yet my brain still made me feel like it was.

I went back to getting used to the idea of being a single mom of two again. Got refocused, and started doing better. A little over a month goes by and I was healing. Here he comes again out of the blue asking how we are doing. I ignored him more, he messaged again. It's like the more I ignored him, the more of a challenge it was for him and he tried harder. I made the mistake of responding. Tried to act indifferent, like I didn't care. He tried harder. And thus, I got sucked in again with that apology. All the words he knew I wanted to hear. What an idiot.

At this point, I was starting to get spotting. A little bit, it wasn't much so I didn't think anything of it because I'd had some with my first daughter and she was born healthy. I went to go visit with my daughters family who had become my family. He didn't like that I was close with them despite all they'd done for me over the years. It wasn't about my daughter's father, we had really become family. He didn't see it that way. He came to pick me up and take me to stay at his father's while his father wasn't there. I had to leave before his father got home. He said he didn't want his dad to ask questions after all the drama between us and that he wanted to break it to his parents slowly that we were back together. Part of me agreed.

My grampy came to pick me up and bring me back home. The bleeding was starting to be slightly more than spotting but still wasn't a lot so I prayed and hoped it was nothing. Later that evening, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my Nana, cousin, and cousins boyfriend. I bent over to pet the dog and the blood just gushed out of me. It was like you see in the movies, and was horrifying for me. My grandmother helped me clean up and her and grampy brought me to the ER. It was confirmed, I'd had a miscarriage. I'd had a miscarriage when I was younger, before my first daughter. It was nothing like that one. It was worse. Maybe because this time I was 11 weeks and the first time I was only about 8 weeks along. Either way, it really depressed me. I didn't get pregnant on purpose, but once I was pregnant I was hoping it would help change him and make him better. When I told him what happened all he said was he was sorry. Didn't try to comfort me, didn't take it serious. He didn't even seem sad, I have no doubt he was relieved. And that realization hurt more..

Like I said before, looking back I feel so stupid. If my daughters were in this type of situation I'd be so upset and do everything to protect them. Granted I defended him, no one knew the true darkness because I loved him and it was humiliating for me. There's a true psychological explanation for this behavior but I can't help but feel like I could have done better for myself no matter how well it can be explained scientifically. It literally changes the hippocampus and amygdala parts of your brain. I know that, but I still feel guilt for not being "smarter." Even though I'm healthy now and have a good life and learned a HUGE lesson from this, I'm not sure that guilt will ever go away..

Stayed tuned, this is just barely beginning.

[proximasmith]

"He was more of a father to me than my own Jerry. He had a really strong paternal affection for me. Or, well... that's what we all want to believe, anyway, isn't it?" Proxima tucks a strand of pink hair behind her ear and chuckles. "All of us want to think we were his favorite. But he gave all of us a strong male presence we could look up to, a presence so many of us didn't have growing up, or had been robbed of in some way. He was silly, quirky. Loved to drink with some of the older girls. Helped Ash with her homework. All of us looked up to him. None more than..."

Proxima trails off, brushing her fingers over an oddly shaped yellow apple with thin skin that's growing on a bush by the path. She clears her throat.

"Well, anyway. There was this one Rick... an evil one. Truly evil. D-002. He had an old score to settle with the Lieutenant. Would've done anything to—" She points to her own soft neck, then makes a motion like dragging a knife across it, alluding to Summer's scar. "—finish the job, and take all of us down with her. He was a true Megalomaniac, but... a smart one, you know? The dangerous kind. Insane enough to challenge Summer Sanchez and powerful enough to actually win. She ran from him for years, and he kept getting closer. He took two of the original Poppies out just to send a message that he knew where Summer was hiding. Her time was running out."

They step towards the end of the path, where a giant, clear window looks over the landscape of clouds outside.

"I was in my quarters when I got the message that the Commander had been killed in action. None of us knew what happened, or why he'd gone somewhere so dangerous on his own, since he and the Lieutenant always took on tough things together, without fail. It wasn't until later, when Flint and Amaterasu went to figure out what happened, that we found D-002 laying nearby. He'd bled out trying to crawl away with a gunshot wound to the leg. The Commander had hunted him down, and died taking him out."

Proxima's aqua eyes go distant, staring off into the middle space with a meditative spirit very few people possess, like she's actually watching the event play out in front of her eyes all over again.

"She screamed over his body and all we could do was watch. She kept beating her fists on her eyes, shrieking at the top of her lungs, 'I would've taken the bullet. That bullet had my name on it. I was supposed to take it. Why did he do this?' I didn't know what she meant, then. I don't think any of us did. But I remember her father saying, 'He knew it had your name on it. That's why he did it.' I think I'd seen lots of examples of love in my life, but I don't think I understood it until then. And I understood it then less than I do now."

She takes his hand, but doesn't look up, some tears sparkling in the corner of her eyes.

"That's what he meant to me, to all of us. What he still means. Love."

She's a little embarrassed, standing there in her little pink dress in front of the other Poppies outside of decon. They know who she's waiting for and send her secret smiles and whispers of encouragement, but her heart pounds anyway. Amazing that someone who can comb the multiverse saving so many people would have such a hard time meeting their own boyfriend for a date at the Haven. Proxima fusses with her skirt to give her hands something to do while she waits for him to arrive.

He steps out the shadows in the decon room and into the light for the decon process. It takes a second try to get his passcode right and he's pretty sure he can hear the Poppy giggling. *So much for flying under the radar tonight.* He slips his sunglasses on as the door opens and his eyes adjust to the Haven's light. He sees her standing there in a cute little pink dress and something happens that hasn't happened since his powers awakened years ago.

He trips. On his own feet. Or the ground. Who knows. Muscle memory kicks in and his powers catch him before he hits the ground, levitating him just above the pavement. He rights himself and walks to his girlfriend, smiling awkwardly.

[roxineedstosleep]

god, gotham knights jason with battinson,,,,, the sheer cuteness of bruce having a son THAT big :'> I just know he'd be so protective over his quiet soft spoken dad!! can we get a one shot with maybe one of the batkids being mean to bruce bc he can't be there for something important to them! while he tries placating them and paying no mind to them being rude, jason is behind him entirely and glares at his sibling. he hates seeing bruce said. god help you if you make him cry in front of jason

(Jason, behind Bruce, during a discussion between he and an of his brothers)

Children can be cruel.

God, and everyone who interacts with children, knows that children are truly peculiar beings.

They are innocent, mouldable souls, have no real control over all their emotions and are always in constant development and moulding of their persons.

And well.

If a child in a structured home, no matter what form their home takes, they can be cruel at times.

Bruce can say that he was not so lucky.

I mean, he knew he wasn't the best of children. After his parents, it's a miracle Alfred didn't leave him with some distant relative or in the care of the state or in a full-time boarding school. Fuck. He had repeatedly been a walking nightmare and to this day he doesn't know how Alfred could have had so much love and dedication to him to keep him from getting lost along the way.

And after adopting, raising, and fighting with Dick? well, he learned that children are a tricky business.

And he does the best he can. He really tries.

The mistakes he made with Dick, he avoids making with Jason. After Jason died, he reframed his whole upbringing with Tim. And with Damian's arrival, he happily had all his kids to support him in the process.

"It takes a whole town to raise a baby."

It never felt so real.

Now that Dick had grown up and matured in his own way, had lived his own experiences, you could say they had a better relationship. With Jason things were tragic, but at least now they were in a safe place.

But Tim and Damian… they were something else.

He really tried, Dick and Jason were different. Each of his sons was. But the circumstances of their arrivals and the timing also played a big part in that.

Dick was basically an accidental baby. As if Bruce had gotten someone pregnant in their teens and was thrown into his care when the mother no longer wanted to raise him. Bruce was a teenage father with Dick; in the best of terms. He wouldn't eat his own vegetables and had to make sure a depressed, angry kid ate his without tearing up half the room. Without Alfred things would probably have gone south quickly.

That explains their constant bickering during Dick's early youth. It explains why they can feel close and hate each other at the same time. They were both children emotionally when they got together and one was in the care of the other. It was unfair, but love was stronger… at least until the differences came and they had to hurt each other and separate in order to get back together.

With Jason, Bruce felt like a young single father. How if in the middle of college he finds out he's a father and has to take care of it. Sure, he's more mature, knows a few parenting tricks and has more of a sense of responsibility about childcare. Thank God Jason was a good, rocky kid, but with a heart of diamond sitting down with the best of intentions.

Jason was a boy who needed love and wanted to give love to whoever had the desire to give him love. That's where Bruce comes in.

Bruce adored Jason, learned from the mistakes he made with Dick and took advantage of his maturity to do better with his new son. If it weren't for the mind game and the fact that Bruce himself couldn't get over his parents, and therefore couldn't help Jason with his own. It really would have been the healthiest relationship he had in comparison to the rest of his children.

But Bruce isn't perfect, and that along with Jason growing up in a place where Bruce and Dick had arguments and there was a lot of elite pressure in front of him. Jason left, they fought, he died and when he came back things were not good for a long time.

Now they are. Of course they are. But neither of them really want to remember those bad feelings. They have a different kind of love.

Tim and Damian are different for different reasons. Clearly and justifiably different reasons.

Tim arrived when Bruce was at his lowest point. Damian came in demanding and believing something of Bruce that he was not.

And they're still kids, still in training, and Bruce needs twice as much patience to be able to raise them both and to be able to accommodate everything he can do for them based on the needs of both of them.

It's not easy.

It's not always happy.

But he loves, LOVES, his children, and for that very reason he won't stop trying.

Even they come to hate him. He will console himself with the idea that at least he fought to the end.

And Jason, now that he's grown up. He knows that.

He knows that Bruce loves every one of them with every cell in his body. Every part of his mind and soul is dedicated to him and all his brothers. No matter what happens, Bruce will put them first in any situation.

So now that Bruce is actually an adult and can really deal with his children… it pains him to realize how unfair his siblings can be to their father.

Of course, there are things that Jason doesn't forgive his father for, and he himself accepts that he is not a complete victim of everything that happens between him and Bruce. But at least he understands that there is a backstory and tries to get to a point where they both don't lose control.

But his brothers don't seem to understand that.

He sees how his father, his poor father, tries on more than one occasion to reach out to his brothers, to argue about things that could be better, about the unnecessary risks they take. But his brothers only shout and smash everything their father gives them.

That's why, although he doesn't always get into the fray, he subtly sets the record straight.

When Bruce is away, which sadly has happened on more than one occasion, he and Dick have taken care of their younger brothers. And not having the same patience and focus as his father, he has come to have a kind of impact on his siblings. So, take advantage of that.

He casually stands behind his poor, distressed father. And he looks at the booger on duty and gives him the same look he usually uses on the fucking sons of bitches he deals with every night. He do not do any kind of harsh mad expression. Only a simple glance, thats all.

And that's what's enough.

That's all.

Of course that's enough. Bruce still gets yelled at, but at least the yelling subsides a few at a time until all that's left is apologies and a well-deserved hug.

He fucked up with Bruce before he died and then disappeared for years.

He doesn't want his brothers to experience that. No.

And he doesn't want Bruce to experience that feeling of losing a son at a bad time either.

(Jason's "you better put your fucking shit together bro, or u gonna regret it" glance)

[gayrockanthem]

Speaking about the beauty. A long read so bear with me :)

It's still fucking crazy to me how the war-inflicted trauma and stress focused my mind solely on surviving and completely blocked the perception of beauty.

Setting up the scene.

First off, for around two weeks I couldn't listen to music. Any kind, any way. Considering I never could go even a day without something blasting from my speakers or earphones, now I physically couldn't make it. I think, partially it's because there were no songs to reflect my emotions. The first two weeks of the full-scale war were non-stop shock and disbelief. Then the mind needed a distraction so I was getting back to it slowly. Also, Ukrainian artists would have released some relatable things already.

Then, the nature, the scenery. Who wouldn't appreciate a nice view? Well, I didn't. Imagine looking at the sea and feeling nothing. Imagine looking at the mountains and not really seeing them. Imagine walking the streets of a world-famous city only to get from point A to point B and nothing else. If I didn't experience that, I wouldn't believe it's possible. I was so numb, it was truly bizarre. I first started to register my surroundings after 3-4 months. The major phase of processing the trauma didn't happen until a year after.

The main part begins here.

The only beauty I was capable of perceiving was this guy. A gay coworker.

I remember one time at the meeting. The meeting room had panoramic windows with a view of the mountains and the sea, it could hardly be any better. The tables formed a kinda L-shape. We sat on opposite ends so I saw his profile against the window. It took everything in me to not stare at him creepily all the time. I did stare periodically though :)

Having all this darkness and pain in me, I had had of course good moments, people, news, etc. I relied heavily on FITF release for serotonin. But it felt distant, online, non-tangible. Looking at him during that meeting, I thought to myself how is it possible that out of all the good and the bad, right now he is the brightest thing in my life? How can he be the only thing in the world that my bloody brain decided to assign meaning and a "beautiful" tag to?

He's a Scorpio Sun, his presence is hella captivating. He objectively is beautiful.

I always watched him from afar. There was this silent understanding and kinda gay solidarity between us but we never got further than small talk. I, with my resting bitch face, don't seem too friendly and approachable. Being depressed as I was didn't help as well.

The first time we had a proper chat was when I already left the job and was about to fly back to Ukraine. Honestly, asking him out for a drink is one of the best moves I made during my time in Barcelona.

You know there are people who are beautiful inside and out. He is exactly the case. The sweetest guy who had to go through shit to become one and did it so gracefully!

We were in a small authentic bar drinking vermouth. We were talking about pain, and fight, and life. I will never forget his love and care while describing his hometown and local traditions.

This time around, it took everything in me to not touch him. Not sexually, not at all. It was the desire to be close to a person to absorb their vibe, love, attitude, passion as much as possible.

...We were saying our goodbyes. We hugged. He took my both hands in his. I don't remember what he was saying but I clearly remember the feeling. The build-up was worth the wait. It felt like he had transferred a part of his light to me. Suddenly, the world was not that dull anymore. Suddenly, the darkness in my heart faltered giving way to the light. So now the light can find its place there too, and live, and grow.

Kinda conclusion.

I tried my best to tell you how much you mean to me without sounding like a creep or like I'm hitting on you. I wish I knew a way and words to let you know how deeply you touched me, how much I needed it at the moment, and how eternally grateful I am. Your existence is a blessing for me, and I'm sure for many others, and for the Universe. You are light. You are beauty. You make this world a better place just by existing here. The amount of love and appreciation I have for you is insane. I hope the Universe blesses you in every possible way!

P.S. Is it a coincidence that the best people in life are lgbtq+? Or is it that I just vibe with them?

As It Was was released on April 01, 2022, a little over a month since the ruzzian full-scale invasion.

I remember when I listened to it for the first time. I was on a train from Barcelona, where I fled the war, to Badalona, a nearby town where I'd got the job. Beautiful places. The train line R1 that goes along the seashore. And the mountains on the other side. Beautiful views.

The way I couldn't see any beauty at that time...

I remember the tears instantly started to appear in the corners of my eyes. I know the song is about the pandemic and generally life metamorphosis. But the way life in my country and my own life just became not the same As It Was..

Changes are painful. But the scale. And the cruelty. It just hit differently. Right time and the emotion so overwhelmingly on spot.

I listened to the song once. I didn't get back to it for a while. It was too painful.

Then I discovered that the director of the music video was Tanu Muiño, a Ukrainian. And it was shot on February 23-24, 2022. Right at the time this fucked up full-scale invasion started. What were the odds?!?

Coincidences are not random and in a strange way, we're all in this together...