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#i kinda fucked myself over with the way i started it
rebelfell · 1 day
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rub one out┃(for your viewing pleasure-verse)
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pornstar!eddie x director!reader
a cheeky (pun intended) bit of filth based on part of my blurb series. I was trying to keep the snippets short, but this just kinda poured out of me over the past couple days.
cw: sex work, simulated adultery, oral (fem receiving)
18+, MDNI┃2.8k
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Maybe this was a bad idea.
You couldn’t escape the nagging thought as you stepped outside, tightening the belt on your fluffy white bathrobe, tugging at the terrycloth tail and twisting it in your fingers. Your eyes flitted to each member of your crew, all of them in position waiting to get this show on the road.
Why were you so nervous? You’d certainly done this enough times before not to get stage fright. So why did your stomach feel more tangled than the box of electrical cords in Lenny’s truck?
Part of you almost wished it would rain, or the ground would open up and swallow you whole so you didn’t have to go through with this. But the concrete remained solid under your feet, and the sky overhead showed no signs of altering its radiant blue color. Perfect.
It’s gonna be fine, you thought in an attempt to soothe yourself. It’s all gonna be fine.
And you almost believed it would be.
Sammy, who was barely a step up from an intern, had swiftly been promoted once the plan for you to replace your no-show leading lady was set in motion. You weren’t worried about her, though—she was smart and a quick study; she knew all the shots you needed, and she had a good eye.
If you couldn’t be behind the camera yourself, she was pretty much the only one you trusted.
Well…maybe not the only one.
Eddie’s eyes met yours as soon as you stepped out of the trailer. The sunlight hit his deep brown irises, making them glow the color of rich honey. But behind the liquid gold, you could see his own nerves and it made your stomach flip, wondering what he could possibly be nervous about.
“Hey,” he said quietly as he came up next to you. “You good?”
For a moment, you considered lying. Flashing him a thumbs up or shooting him finger guns like one of those tools you used to do this with. But you knew better by now when it came to Eddie.
“Nope,” you chuckled. “I’m kinda shitting myself.”
“Well, that’s just what the guy about to fuck you wants to hear,” he chuckled back.
A real smile breaks through your tense, fake one and a genuine laugh bubbles up out of your chest. Eddie’s eyes shine when he hears it and the sight makes your chest feel all warm inside.
“No, you’re right,” you said. “I’m okay, I just…don’t know why I’m so nervous.”
His plush pink lips pressed into a straight line, his tongue poking out as he licked them. He reached out a reassuring hand and placed it on your shoulder, rubbing it through your robe.
“You’re gonna be great,” he assured, sounding a lot more certain than you felt.
Easy for him to say. He’s a fucking natural.
Even on your best day doing this, you never felt like you were great at it—competent, sure. Maybe even above average. But not great. Not at all the way you felt since getting behind the camera.
You nodded tightly, your hesitation still written all over your face. His eyes scanned over you and he swallowed thickly, his throat bobbing. He then leaned in and placed his lips beside your ear.
“You look…really beautiful,” he said.
His warm breath rushed across your neck, the heat coming off his skin making your ears buzz. An explosion of fluttering began in your stomach, like there were butterfly cocoons in your cereal that morning and now they were all hatching.
“We should get moving,” you said, pulling back. “Burning daylight.”
Eddie straightened. He nodded and you nodded back, sliding past him to do final checks before you started rolling. Telling yourself he must have pumped or popped a Viagra to explain away that bulge in his pants that definitely wasn’t there before he came over to talk to you.
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The nerves didn’t disappear once you started working, but your body and brain did snap into a kind of performance mode you remembered well.
You started with some still photography for the VHS box art—shots of you in progressing states of undress, your robe dropping off your shoulder, Eddie pulling it open to reveal your body, his hand running up your thigh in a slow caress.
He let it trail all the way up your stomach and chest until he curled his finger under your chin and tipped your face toward his, letting his lips hover just inches away from yours. Your eyes fluttered closed and your heart raced, thinking he might close the gap and actually kiss you—
But after the shutter snapped, he simply let his hand drop and backed away. 
The loss of his body heat sent a chill down your spine and you shivered despite the blazing sun overhead. Eddie’s eyes caught yours, the nearly imperceptible lift of his brow asking, ‘you okay?’ You nodded and another shiver skittered across your skin as you pulled your robe back up.
For the next shot, you climbed up on the massage table and he got into position behind you. His body pressed yours down, your back arching under him as he dipped his head low to take the lobe of your ear between his teeth, palming your exposed breast with his large, strong hand. 
You let your mouth hang open, not even needing to fake the look of desperation on your face. And let yourself believe Eddie’s excitement you could feel digging into the fat of your ass was real too. The little grunts and whines he let out when you wriggled against him certainly didn’t sound fake.
After the photos, there was nothing left to do but move on to the main event. 
You and Eddie reset—him standing in frame, you just outside of it. Sammy panned the camera around, establishing the setting, zooming in on the fountain feature in the pool and then coming around to film Eddie as he snapped a fresh towel and laid it out on the massage table.
From your spot off-camera, it’s impossible not to be mesmerized by the sight. Biceps rippling, tendons in his arms flexing as he smoothed the towel flat. His tattoos stood out even more than normal with him in white slacks and a white polo meant to give the impression of him being an employee of the resort. And the little twist your hair and make-up girl Jael did is something new that only further accentuates the thick column of his neck and his angular jaw.
He’d left off his rings and bracelets, as was typical when he was filming, and you couldn’t help but think about that day in the editing suite. When he’d touched your knee, and you felt the silver ridges press into your flesh. It had jarred you somewhat, how right it felt to have his hand there and how you’d nearly leaned in to meet his lips when you saw his face getting closer.
You hadn’t kissed him that day—promptly removing yourself from temptation in an attempt to salvage some shred of your professionalism. And you (mostly) felt good about that decision. It would have been reckless and destructive and your entire working relationship might have been compromised. You’d made the right call that day, you were sure of it. Mostly…
But today was different. Today, it wasn’t going to derail your career. If anything, your career was mandating you give in to those urges that had plagued you so relentlessly. And that was when it hit you all at once—the realization about as subtle as a train crashing through a wall.
You were going to fuck Eddie.
You’re going to feel firsthand what it’s like to have his face and cock buried between your legs; what it’s like to suck on his fingers and soak them with your spit before he presses them to your clit; what he sounds like when he comes all over your stomach or tits (you can’t quite recall what the script specifies, you just know it’s meant to be outside so he can dotingly clean you up after). 
The barrage of thoughts that storm through your mind are so consuming, you nearly miss your cue to enter the scene. But once you do, you’re rather grateful for the distraction of the set-up dialogue:
“It’ll just be me, today. My husband has a meeting he couldn’t get out of.”
“No, no, it’s not his fault. I got it as a surprise for our anniversary—I should have known better than to book it without checking his schedule.”
“I’m afraid I never know how much to take off for a massage…what do you suggest?”
Eddie answered your last question with a smooth, “Whatever makes you most comfortable,” and a smile so warm it would melt the ice caps.
Giving him a smile of your own, you slowly pulled at the tie of your robe. It fell to the ground in a heap at your feet and Eddie’s dark eyes roved over you hungrily. Now revealed to be completely naked, you feigned some degree of shyness: ducking your head low, looking up at him from underneath your lashes, brushing your hand over your stomach as though to hide it while really drawing his eyes to its plush softness.
“Is this alright?” you asked him with a coy smirk. Eddie grinned, still drinking you in.
“Absolutely,” he breathed. And the raptness in his eyes almost had you believing him.
You took your time getting up on the table, propping yourself up on all fours, letting him (and the camera) take a good, long look at the fullness of your hips before you settled in place. Arms at your side, you took a deep breath as you laid flat on your stomach, relieved there wouldn’t be much dialogue needed for this next part.
Through the little donut headrest at the end of the table, you saw Sammy’s feet as she moved in close—filming tight on Eddie’s hands while he pumped massage oil onto them and warmed it by spreading it between his palms.
Your chest tightened, nerves coiling in your stomach as you anticipated his touch, forcing your body to keep still so you didn’t pull focus.
He smoothed some oil over your skin, starting at the ankles and thoroughly coating your calves. The smell of clary sage filled the air, earthy and warm. And underneath it, a clean and woodsy scent you recognized as Eddie’s soap wafted up to your nose when he leaned in closer.
His fingertips began to knead your muscles, slipping and sliding easily over your skin that was slick with the oil. He made tiny circles with his thumbs, alternating back and forth as they moved in a steady pattern up your calf.
Oh, that’s right…
In all the hubbub, you’d forgotten the whole concept for this shoot was borne on the fact that Eddie went to massage school for real. He’d told you before, after he left his hometown (shit, what was it again? Hawk-something…) that he started collecting different jobs like merit badges.
Just bounced from thing to thing, trying his hand (sometimes both) at whatever life presented. And that included porn. He’d said he only auditioned for that first film he did because someone he’d slept with a handful of times knew a casting director and suggested he’d be good at it.
“He certainly had the dick for it” were her exact words, if you recalled. Strange to think in a way, you might owe that girl your career.
Through the pleasurable haze your mind dipped into having Eddie’s capable hands erasing every ounce of stress you carried in your muscles, you realized he was moving the scene right along while you just lay there humming and moaning with relief at his practiced touch.
He’d lowered his voice to that deep, rumbly register he always used when he was building towards the next phase. His DM voice, as he so affectionately dubbed it. Rough and gravely, yet even and tempered, guiding both you and the audience along on the journey of this fuck.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying…but your husband’s a jackass for missings out on this.”
Your heartbeat picked up in your chest as he moved to your thighs. His fingertips dug into your flesh, kneading it like dough, letting his thumbs swerve dangerously close to your center.
“You deserve someone who puts you first…who knows what he has and worships you…”
One of his thumbs swiped briefly over your puffy lips, and you knew he felt how wet you were.
“You know, I’d never let you out of my sight if you were mine…”
His words dripped slowly and intentionally past his lips, his hands creeping higher and higher up your legs. At last, they slid over the globes of your ass and he groaned as he squeezed one in each hand, spreading you apart to see your center, soaked with arousal that had been pooling there, truth be told, from the moment Eddie had told you how beautiful you looked. 
You heard Eddie’s next line in your head before he said it, “If you really want to relax, I can try a very special technique. I don’t do it for just anyone. It’s a little bit…unorthodox…”
And you were more than ready to take him up on his offer once he delivered the line. 
But Eddie went off script.
Instead of hearing words, you felt the wet heat of his tongue glide through your folds as he buried his face between your spread ass cheeks. Your head popped out of the headrest, letting out a breathy moan of surprise and delight.
The shock on your face was evident as Sammy pushed in close to capture your expression, but so was your pure and utter elation. You’d never felt anything so good in your life…
And it seemed you weren’t the only one.
Eddie groaned loudly as he lapped messily at your folds, his spit mixing with your slick that covered the bottom half of his face. And it was only after a few blissful seconds of eager licking that he even realize what he’d done.
“I’m—mmph—sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—” He panted out in between sinful swirls of his tongue, his he words muffled by your ass cheeks because he couldn’t stand to pull away even a little, even long enough to speak. “I had to taste you…”
”It’s okay,” you answered, voice already wrecked beyond belief. “It’s okay, just keep going—”
The command is directed at him as much as it is the crew, who only panicked slightly. Eddie never did stuff like this and they just weren’t ready.
They got back on track quickly enough, Sammy signaling the boom mic to get as close as he can without dipping into frame in order to pick up every lurid slurp and suck of Eddie’s mouth.
After no more than a few minutes, the fluffy towel under you was bunched in your fists and your hips squirmed as Eddie continued to eat you out like a mad man. His tight grip on your ass cheeks held fast, spreading you wider still so his tongue could probe deeper. The sounds he pulled out of you didn’t even sound human to your ears, let alone recognizable as your own voice. 
But you didn’t care.
However you sounded, however you looked, it was superfluous to what Eddie was doing and the precipice he brought you to. Your orgasm hit harder than any drug, than any physical blow. It had you shaking uncontrollably, reaching back to grip the hair at the crown of his head as your hips pushed back to meet every thrust of his tongue while you rode out your exceptional high.
You felt its tingling sensation spread to every inconsequential inch of your body, like an ocean of fire that crashed over you in wave after wave of scorching pleasure. Drowning you in it.
When you finally found the strength in your limp limbs to roll over onto your back, Eddie’s eyes were waiting to meet yours. You could see on his face how sorry he was, how worried he was he’d fucked up. And you tried to communicate with him in that mind-melding, wordless sort of way you and he always did that it was fine—that people were going to love it.
Cocking your brow at him, dipping into a more salacious tone to really sell the transformation from demure housewife to lusty adulterer, you threw in a little adlib of your own.
“That’s some technique you’ve got there,” you teased him, propping yourself up on your elbows. “My husband’s certainly never done that before.”
Eddie’s sly smile returned, his lips curling as he reached out to grip your waist. He hauled you closer with one jerk, bringing you to the edge of the table so your hips were flush with his. The bulge in his white pants was harder than ever when it pressed against your cunt, and he grinned wickedly when he felt just how ready you were for more. He yanked up the shirttail of his polo and whipped it off his body, tossing it behind him where it landed half in the pool.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he tutted softly, “you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
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Tysm for reading! 🛸 comments and reblogs keep your skin clear and your crops watered 🫶🏻
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lynzishell · 3 days
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The Past 🩵 Asher
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I rush into my apartment, slamming the door behind me, and take a sharp left to get into my room before Lex can catch me. Once inside, I lock the door and remove my smelly clothes from last night as quickly as I can. I’m tempted to shower again after having to walk home in them, but I don’t have time. As it is, Iris is going to be calling in an hour to ask why I haven’t arrived yet, and I really don’t have it in me today to deal with her moods, which are even worse now that she’s very pregnant. Spencer is due to arrive in a couple weeks, and my sister ran out of patience a couple weeks ago.
“Ash?” Lex pounds on the door as I’m pulling clothes from my dresser.
“Give me two minutes, I’m just changing.” I really don’t have time to chat with her, I have to leave, but I also kinda need my best friend.
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Once I’m fully clothed, I walk into the living room to find Lex standing there, waiting for me. She takes one look at my face and holds out her arms with a concerned pout, “Baaabe.” Years ago, I told her that I hate it when guys call me “babe”, that it was a total turn off. Her solution was to call me “babe” herself, that way no one else would be allowed to call me that ‘cause it’s hers; and it wouldn’t feel so icky because she’d be saying it ironically. But then it stuck and now it really is hers and there’s nothing ironic about it.
I fall into her arms and let her embrace me as only she can. Lex gives the best hugs. Sometimes she squeezes the life out of you, but on days like today, it feels like she’s holding all the broken bits of me together. If she hugs me long enough then it will heal me, but if she lets go too soon, I’ll fall to pieces, so I squeeze her back just as tight and bury my face in her shoulder.
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“What happened?”
“I made a fool of myself, Lex.” As I say the words out loud, I feel a lump form in my throat and I’m grateful that my voice is muffled by the sleeve of her jacket so as not to give me away.
“What do you mean?”
“I just… I thought... I don’t know what I thought,” and then the dam breaks. My tears burst forth so quickly that I have no chance of stopping them, so I just let it happen. The sobs rack my body, making my chest hurt. I cling to her like she’s a lifebuoy in the middle of the ocean during a storm. And she stands there, solid and safe, holding me until the storm passes and I start breathing normally again. It’s over just as quickly as it started.
“I’m gonna kill him, y’know,” she says finally.
I sniffle and let out a pitiful laugh, “Please don’t.”
“Seriously? You come home in this state, and you expect me to let him live?”
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I walk into the kitchen to splash my face with cold water and clean myself up. “Just because I’m sad doesn’t mean he deserves your wrath. Besides, I think I’m just extra sensitive coming down from whatever the hell you gave us last night.”
“So, this is my fault?”
“No. I’m just saying my breakdown is at least partially chemical. And maybe that explains Atlas’ mood today actually. Oh, I might’ve completely misread everything. Fuck.” I groan as I clench my stomach and lean against the counter, suddenly feeling sick with regret and embarrassment.
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“Okay, hold on, what exactly happened?”
“I don’t have time to get into it. I have to run out to my parents’ house and help Iris with fucking baby furniture or something.”
“Well, let’s go then. I’ll come with you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I don’t have anything else to do today, and we’re not done talking. And I like your mom’s cooking.”
I throw my arm around her shoulders and kiss her cheek dramatically, “Thank you.” I’m grateful to have her to talk to during the two-hour drive. I would no doubt be stewing and obsessing the whole time if not. My family will be happy to see her as well. They’re always asking why she doesn’t come visit more. Of course, I know it’s because she feels like she has to go see her own family if she’s in town, and that’s the last thing she wants to do.
“Alright, calm down. Let’s go.”
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myymi · 1 year
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You could write a about shadow seeing a ghost/image of maria in tails. Like their hanging out and tails like does something that maybe Maria would do too. Or he just looks into tail eyes and just see an expression she did once like tails is in pain or happy.
word count-781 ------------------
Shadow knew he’d never see her again. He knew he’d never hear her stories of Mobius, never hear her laugh or whisper goodnight to him. He’d never get to see those bright blue eyes shimmer with that were framed by that beautiful gold. Or; That’s what Shadow thought. “Hey, Shadow!” Tails chirped, waving after the door had opened. The hedgehog forgot the kid was coming over today. “Hi.” He greeted, stepping to the side so the younger could walk inside. If he was being honest, Shadow wasn’t all that sure why he enjoyed the kid’s presence. He wasn’t the biggest fan of being around people, especially children. Most kids don’t understand personal space, they hardly ever stop talking, and they always ask the dumbest questions. But Tails was different. Sure, the kid still talked like crazy, but it never seemed to annoy the hedgehog. He didn’t understand why, but he welcomed the younger’s rants. “I brought the tools you asked for,” Tails smiled and shrugged off his yellow backpack, unzipping it to show the older its contents. Sure enough, there were all kinds of different tools stuffed inside it. Shadow nodded and nodded his head to the garage, “Come on.” He said before walking off, leaving the fox to scamper after him. “What’s going on with the Dark Rider, anyway?” The younger asked as they entered the garage, the motorcycle in question leaned against the far wall. “Something with its engine,” The hedgehog grumbled, leaning against the wall as the kit went over to the bike, setting his bag on the floor, “I can’t figure it out.” Tails hummed as he pulled the Dark Rider off the wall, carefully flipping it onto its back. He pulled a screwdriver out of his bag, quickly taking off the panel that hid the engine. Shadow kept quiet, content to just watch as the fox dissected his motorcycle. “Hey,” The kit mumbled about 5 minutes later, “can you tell me what was happening when you realized it wasn’t working?” He asked, peeking his head over the bike. “Well,” The teen sighed, “it sounded normal, but it kept spinning without doing anything.” “Then the issue isn’t your engine,” Tails said, sitting back on his knees, “it’s your fuse.” “The fuse?” Shadow raised a brow.” “A wire is probably in the wrong place,” The younger shrugged, ducking his head back into the motorcycle while using his communicator as a flashlight to check the main fuse. The hedgehog tsked, looking to the floor. He guesses he’s buying a new fuse today. “Yeah, that’s blown,” Tails grumbled, pulling his head out before getting to his feet as he brushed off his gloves, “easy fix. I’ll just need to run back to my workshop to grab a multimeter and circuit breaker.” Shadow gestured to the workbench he kept, “there’s some in there.” The kit smiled but waved it off, “Mine are custom built to help make the process faster, plus I’ll need a new fuse first. The Dark Rider seems to use twenty-nine amps, which I think I’m out of. I do have a shipment coming in tomorrow, if you don’t mind waiting?” The teen gave a curt nod, “That’s fine.” “Great!” The fox beamed, his tails gently wagging and the older could’ve sworn his eyes shined a little brighter. And, at that moment, Shadow could no longer see the fox. Instead, he saw those same bright blue eyes, framed by that familiar gold. The hedgehog could feel his breath stop for a half a second. Because, finally, it all made so much sense. She was why he let the fox in. She was why he listened to the fox. She was why he liked the fox. It was all her. “Shadow?” The teen blinked, his brow furrowing at the gloved paw that was suddenly waving in his face, “oh, sorry–” Tails quickly retreated his hand, taking a few steps back. “Sorry,” Shadow coughed out an apology, taking a deep breath, when will the shipment arrive tomorrow?” The kit studied him for a few seconds longer before answering, “Should be early afternoon.” The hedgehog nodded, “I’ll leave the door open. Let yourself in.” He grumbled before walking out of the room, leaving a very confused fox behind.
He just needed time alone. Just long enough so he could figure out how he feels about the similarities between the fox and his lost sister. They were far too alike one another. But.. maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this is a second chance. A second opportunity to keep his promise. He’s not her, sure, but Shadow thinks he doesn’t mind. He’s rather fond of Tails, even without connecting him to Maria.
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dizzybizz · 10 months
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KAEYA BIRTHDAY ??? ?? i love you mr alberich sir i love you oh so so so much.
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uh dialogue for this one but more legible under the cut (and a messy ragbros page)
Klee: Kaeya! Come down here! Kaeya: Oh? heh. What is it, Spark Knight?
Klee: Happy Birthday! It is today? Right? I even double-checked with Albedo and everything but I don't know... Klee: It's a Calla Lily! You like those, right? Kaeya: I certainly do! Thank y- Klee: Oh. Klee: OK OK OK- Kaeya: Hm? Klee: Kaeya you have to promise to not tell Master Jean about this one! Kaeya: You can count on me to keep my lips sealed.
Klee: OK! Close your eyes- eye- and hold out your hands! Kaeya: Mhm! Klee: OK! You can open them! TA-DA~!
Klee: I made a bomb for you! It even has an eyepatch! He can look after you when I'm somewhere else. Take good care of him! Oh yeah- He explodes if you- Kaeya?
Kaeya: Thank you Klee! Thank you very much! Klee: You're VERY welcome Kaeya!
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a lil ragbros too.... kaeya and his red siblings amirite (bursts into tears).. also i am so obsessed with chibi diluc saying "bring em in..."
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gxlden-angels · 6 months
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I love getting validated on small things that I didn't even consider like it's always a treat and this time it's Gender
The Fundie Baby Voice™️ has been popping up a lot in ex-christian spaces lately and I actually had one in middle school and part of high school! I learned when and where to use it and how to turn up my southern accent just enough. I can still do it but it sounds weird after 3 years on T. The main place I used it was at church cause it made me sound sweet and polite. I used it for old ladies when I worked at a grocery store too. My family didn't like it when we were just all together cause they said it sounded like baby talk, but loved it when I used it at church cause everyone would tell them how sweet and soft-spoken I was
My therapist said it actively made him feel uncomfortable when I used that voice. He couldn't quite put his finger on why it made him uncomfortable (other than him only knowing me on T) but he very much did not like it and he's so so right for that
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skrunksthatwunk · 3 months
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this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me
#yyh spoilers in tags#like major spoilers ok#which ig i dont usually tag but whatever#the if i had to choose between the world and you it's you thing happened. and it was KUWABARA like hhhhgghh#yusuke makes him forget his honor code sometimes and i need you guys to see that with me#bc it makes me wanna fling myself into the ocean over and over again#kuwabara literally is like you need to be alive bc otherwise im nothing idek who i am. please let me punch you#and he wails this multiple times#and yusuke would burn down the world himself if he thought it'd help his friends we all know that#and doomed by the narrative? mmm with the ever escalating world ending nature of being a spirit detective thats kinda there#throw in the sudden demon-human age gap post yusuke death 2 and you've got some narrative dooming in a way#but not enough for me to well and truly call them doomed by the narrative#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#yusuke urameshi#ofc i can handle you at your worst thats basically you all the time is Very kuwa to yusuke#and maybe we can figure out what the hell ur problem is over dinner sometime is Very yusuke to kuwa#actually i should draw that. or make it a textpost or something#but like turning up the protectiveness/possessiveness thats already there with them in line with the whole#'ive watched you die' trauma they Both have means that like. i think they would Need to have each other around for a period of time#in the wake of sensui's bs perhaps. and then yusuke cuts it all off and they start to get a bit healthier about it. hm#i think about them all the time it's like if typicsl shonen rival/bestie homo-ness was kind of scary and painful#like they love each other but the ways they hurt each other and hurt over each other drive me fucking insane
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faaun · 5 months
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oh my god u rly are everyone you've ever loved !! for better or worse !! a part of you becomes them!
#i had a moment of lucidity idk im in this café the person i went on a few dates w is coming to see me i said come study w me#and they said okay immediately even though im a town over and i dont like them i really dont feel even a little attracted to them that way#but i did let them bite my neck a week ago and it still hurts i let them hold my hand i just#i never start anything#i let them kiss me. why do i do that? i dont feel anything towards them#and i told them ill probably never sleep with them and i thought thats enough but it really isnt is it#they write poetry about people they meet even once#theyre coming a whole town over to study w me but its not a date i feel nothing towards them romantically and i dont want to lose them as#a friend. this was her line of thinking wasnt it? i would take the train and meet her near her place in ldn and wed study together and#shed let me hold her and she would never initiate much and we were just studying together and it wasnt a date#like . fuck. i dont want to do what she djd to me to another person ever#their shared location map went offline at london bridge like ok theyre in the underground they are fr coming a whole town over#its a short distance but the point is i think i should have taken what my friend said more seriously . she told me i was kinda leading#them on bc what i thought to be just meetups dates might entail more for them#anyway im gonna be clear w them this time maybe#....IT JUST NEVER COMES UP IS THE THING#do i have to clarify even if it never comes up#i do in fact hear myself#ok#the parallels r lining up#aaa
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lunawings · 4 months
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Uugughgh.
So I bought a new monitor. NGL emulating Aikatsu had something to do with it but also I've been wanting one for a while and saw a $79 flash sale at Walmart. But I'm still using my laptop screen primarily out of habit.
My desktop background is rotating screenshots from a few things, but most of them are from King of Prism SSS episode 8 because I love the aesthetic of that episode specifically. But I usually never actually see my backgrounds since I've always got windows up.
So now I'm working on my blog or whatever and I keep looking up to see stuff like this......
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And it's starting to give me some............... EmOTIons...........
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party-pixie · 1 month
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hey, thanks for the kind words. i'll admit that i kinda forgot for a while that daily demon spotlight was meant to be a blog for fun above all, and i got too obsessed with my perfectionism to where even the slightest criticism would make me panic and overcorrect everything
i really do appreciate what you said as it kinda just grounded me again and made me realize that i'm not some giant public figure, i'm just some teenage trans girl who likes to write, so thank you so much even if you didn't intend it to be that deep lmao 🙏
well im glad i could help 🥰 i've gotten the perfectionism bug with my own writing so i know how much it really sucks. i think it's also scary on the internet where people are increasingly becoming mean to people they don't know over even small things, so it prob feels like you're risking getting huge backlash over something that isn't all that difficult to fix. like, the demon spotlight is just a hobby blog covering figures that appear in a game series that in itself has questionable information and unclear sources, it's not an official compendium blog run by atlus yknow??? i get not wanting to spread misinformation or see it get spread ab mythological figures but for a hobby blog where it's not difficult to add to posts, i don't think it needs to be all that deep. don't be afraid to add an addendum to old posts if you ever come across new information or a correction, i think that kind of thing could be beneficial even if the original post had a lot of incorrect stuff in it
plus, with so many different retellings and translations of mythological stories i think people will consider different ones to be their "canon" to them. i mean like, i read ab two or three different takes just on ganesha's birth in a little section ab parvati in a book discussing a ton of different goddesses. and with language barriers and such, you're bound to run into inaccuracies tbh
i think it's a good preface for everyone involved to come into this understanding that it's easy to unknowingly run into wrong information ab figures, smt is full of inaccuracies in itself, the demon spotlight is just a hobby and isn't gonna get thesis-level work put into it, and the goal isn't to spread misinformation
as long as you keep doing your best in research and handling things as respectfully as you can, i don't think mistakes should be a huge deal. like, yea okay you fucked up a post cus you had bad sources, it's not the end of the world and i don't think you should feel like it's the end of the world or someone else should make you feel that way. just don't argue with people if they give you a correction. i mean, if someone's a total asshole about it that's not really something you can help, the best you can do is apologize and correct the original post. but there's no need to wallow in sorrow cus you got something wrong, it's really not the end of the world🥰👍
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spotaus · 6 months
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TW: FLASHING IMAGERY, UNREALITY, SCHOPOPHOBIA, MILD BODY HORROR
Hi guys, so, Pretender on the surface doesn't take kindly to people bothering his family. So, here's a silly little thing I did today! ♡
(@oodlesndoodles and @mylackofgrammaristerrifying thanks for the encouragement and inspo lol! Also, "Family" is a stand-in for specific names because he Would do this for both Kale and Ozzy-)
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calamitydaze · 6 months
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
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#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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loumauve · 7 days
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the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub
#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown#in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub#I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do#I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways#the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone#the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her#the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop#the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself#the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights#just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything#and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past#her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all#I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers#and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess#oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway#a day in the life of..
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ninjacookiexd · 2 months
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zoppzoop · 4 months
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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demodraws0606 · 6 months
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Growing up in this day and age is just being confronted by a bunch of people saying how your job is innacessible and how horrible it is and how the gouvernement is awful and you'll be poor and how you'll need to get a second boring soulsucking job and how you'll hate your passions and how nobody cares anymore...
and just thinking "lol alright bet"
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monster-noises · 10 months
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doodled a bit tonight for the first time in.. I think in two weeks? and it was Nice to draw felt good felt relaxing, but also kinda bitter because I felt soooo rusty, and it sucks to always be in a cycle of learning and re-learning shapes because I simply can't afford the space to draw everyday or at least every other day or something Not only does it stifle improvement it really fucks with your confidence.... cause when you have such little time to work with already you can't really always afford the time to shake of the Crust of Time and do a warm up so sitting down to draw is a Harrowing coin toss of; "will this be fine or am I about to have a fucking breakdown" and that really just sucks all the life out of the thing you hold closest to your heart which like... cool alright yeah chill absolutely Love that.
#monster noises#it makes the already tremendous task of Starting even more of a hurdle#because getting in the zone is Hard#focusing is Hard#but overcoming fear and trusting I can just slide in and do what I need to do it Paralyzing#I feel so fucking Slow#it takes so much to get the ball rolling and then it takes me so long to get anywhere#I feel like everyone else is faster than me#and I know that's stupid and kinda fake#but it's like.. in so many aspects of my life even compared to other people with the same problems I seem to..#not necessarily struggle Worse I guess#but yeah struggle worse#or rather am unable to hurdle myself over the struggle and instead spend all my time and energy trudging through it#so like maybe every other artist will spend like.. an hour redrawing a nose because you Hand just won't make the Shape#but to my perception everyone else can Think their way out of that problem in a way I can't#so They can finish something in a week that will take me a month#and I've been drawing for so long#just in terms of lifespan#that I feel Embarrassed about how long it takes me#inability to find time aside#because if I could guarantee I'd finish something in a Week; At Most?#I wouldn't mind as much that those weeks are kinda rare#cause then I would Have something#but I'm always just inchworming along#taking half a year to fucking finish something like a fool that shouldn't take me that long at all#I don't even know what would help#meds? maybe?#this is going to be incomprehensible#but I feel like there's just not enough Brain in my Brain to be able to mend this kind of issue#like I can think but I can't Really think
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