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kaythefloppa · 3 months ago

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Wild Kratts - Chimpanzee and Me - Thoughts

The last of this week's new episode premiere, released online today alongside Salamander Streaming and Bumblezzzz. Will air on TV this coming Wednesday so as always, spoilers ahead!

K, so huge confession but Zooboomafo was the only other show by the Kratt Brothers I distinctively remember watching. I watched a few clips of Kratts' Creatures, but mistook them for WK as a kid. This is most definitely a callback to some Chimpanzee adventure episode in KC that I did not happen to pick up. So it's totally lost on me.

That being said, my prediction of references to previous Kratt Brothers' works reigns supreme (and for those who view all four Kratt Brother shows in one hollistic "canon" here's some ammo for your fan-theories).

Look at those delicious yummy grapes... wonder if they're being saved for later.

I will still never forget when the synopsis for this episode came out about Chris spraining his ankle, as well as when a synopsis for the clip came of him tripping on grapes. The constant memes and reactions omfg /silly

But seriously this man is in PAIN. This season for what it's worth, does a lot of angst and in ways you'd never expect.

I've never sprained or broken a limb, so I'm probably in no place to talk, but from the looks of that frame, Chris bent his ankle pretty damn good. He's definitely gonna be on hiatus for the next few weeks (which could ironically be taken metacontextually since after this episode we'll be on another hiatus until next year when the live show comes)

Ok let's talk about the villain's plan here. He wants to replace his Zachbots with a Chimpanzee he can roboticize to do his work. Here are my many thoughts and takeaways from this, some of which, definitely are just me reaching.

A step up from his dumbass plan in the last episode. Not threatening, but motivations that are actually sensible (but still evil though).

More than once have I seen the theory floating aound where Zach programmed his bots to be smart enough to obey his commands, but dumb enough to where they won't turn against him. I assumed that this episode was going to end with the cliche of Zach's creations turning on him as laser guided karma (hint it doesn't) so it really puts things into perspective.

Considering how we are getting two Zach-related episodes in a row, coming just off the heels of Our Blue and Green World, I like to headcanon that Zach's overall character in this batch of episodes is some form of response or byproduct of the events of that special. Because between Paisley's sudden betrayal, Donita's callous threat of physical violence in the previous episode, and his henchmen's limited intellect, he realizes how much he is fundamentally losing control, both in the villain team, and in his own endeavors as a villain. He's slowly, yet consistently and constantly being knocked down from the pedestal that he views himself on, and by trying to change the status quo with a new animal assistant, he thinks he can keep himself up at the top where he thinks he belongs, completely oblivious to how he's his own worst enemy. Yes, I'm overanalyzing all 3 episodes and I love it.

This is another moment where I HAVE to use my one-video-only-free-card to convey the point across because a certain scene is that good. This is only a 34 second action sequence where the chimpanzees are running from the Zachbots, but holy hell the background music. I had to isolate the background noises just to share it with y'all so you can see my point as to how the music absolutely carries this scene. Pure West has always gone so hard with the scores in this show, but they were absolutely on fire for this brief chase scene. I actually tensed up seeing the Chimp's mother getting torn away from her baby as the music swole up. Yet another reason why PBS should release an official soundtrack for the series, it's so fucking good.

Ok so Chris doesn't activate Chimpanzee Powers, nor does he invent the disc but goddamnit! This entire plot is so cute, and dare I say, the episode actually works better with Chris not being the one to activate the suit.

Now I can use my allotted time to point out how much I love this scene and why it makes this episode very well-liked for most people, myself included. This isn't the first PBS Kids show to educate viewers on non-verbal communication such as facial expressions and sign language, and it's definitely far from the last, but it's a really sweet and sincere moment that's both educational, and really good rep for people who use sign language. It gets its point across efficiently and could very well reach out to any children at home who use ASL. It's magnificent.

Also, Leah is fun, I hope we see her more in future eps.

THE CHIMPANZEE POWER SUIT

Ok I take it back: This is definitely the best designed Creature Power Suit of S7. I remember dreading it because of how alike Chimpanzees and Humans are physically, but oh my god I am so glad to be wrong. It's giving full Season 1 vibes (looks a lot like the Orangutan Suit, total sense), and I am all FOR IT.

And again, I feel like I would/should be angry or disappointed that Chris didn't activate the suit, but again, the plot actually works better without him using the suit, and the design of the Chimpanzee Suit itself is so good, everything just comes together neatly.

Bro is in his peak.

I mean, still peak.

Joss pointed this out better than I could, but there are a lot of varied facial expressions for Zach in this episode. As mentioned earlier, during the hiatus in between Season 6 and 7, new builders and riggers were hired on the animation team for Wild Kratts, many of them likely fans of the show themselves. And again, seeing as there's a 2 year gap between S6 and S7 in terms of development, there's bound to be some slight differences in rigs or models. Which is definitely why we get a lot of moments like this in the episode.

My two cents. I can definitely see why people would be caught off guard, and yeah, at such a high frequency it can get off-putting and requires some getting used to. But at the same time, I kinda dig it, just for the camp factor. It also somewhat reminds me of some of the facial expressions used in the pilot episode, (which has the stronger excuse of different animation + art-style to back it up), but yeah, definitely something that catches the eye.

Zach's hair is defnitely giving Kovu from Lion King 2 and I mean this in the worst. Possible. Way.

This entire scene can be seen as an allegory for two different types of parenting. Zach takes harsh, demanding approaches, speaking without listening for the sake of control, all out of a place of emotional unintelligence and immaturity, which alienates + drives away the child; Whilst Chris takes a more constructive, compassionate, understanding, yet still direct approach to get through to the child/chimp, allowing for a proper solution to the issue at hand. Yes, I'm pointlessly over analyzing even more but in an episode where communication is the main focus & moral of the episode as well as the resolution to the climax, I have to wonder if someone, whether it'd be the writers, animators, or even network execs did it on purpose. Because once again, you could takeaway a really good lesson for kids, and even adults with this interpretation in mind.

Oh yeah, once we get past that stuff, the climax of this episode is like, really fucking hilarious. And Zach getting mind-controlled by his own helmet is still a good dose of laser guided karma.

CONCLUSION:

Cons:

A few of the facial expressions can be a bit jarring. Again, Joss pointed it out perfectly how this episode could've been earlier in S7's development so these adjusted rigs probably can and will get better. I wouldn't even say it as a con, it's just some little thing of the episode that doesn't really lower my overall opinions.

This is a personal nitpick of mine; Not a critique. I think we could've seen more of the chimpanzees in action. I'm talking about face-offs with gorillas (which I think we might get an episode on that in the future, idk), hunting monkeys, leopard attacks! But I do get why it wasn't in the episode, it would've just bogged down time. Frankly, the only reason why I'm putting the cons first is because there is so much I have to say otherwise.

Pros:

The animation overall

The backgrounds

The Chimpanzee Power Suit

The Chimpanzees themselves.

The Background Music

Chris angst!!!!!!

The A plot and B plot perfectly complementing each other, which makes certain writing decisions that could've fallen short, work so much better as a result in execution!

Zach not being a dumb POS like he was in the last epiosde!

The chimpanzee designs!!!!

The very well-handled representation and depiction of sign-language and lessons of communications to its young audiences!

Final Ranking: 9.2/10. Our Blue and Green World and No Name Dream subverted expectations (mainly through Paisley's redemption and the S1 callbacks + the return of the Draco Power Suit). This is the first episode of Season 7 that exceeded my expectations. It is far better than how I thought it would be, and the experimental writing that this season has been hinged upon thus far hit the mark entirely when it came to this episode. So much so that it actually raised the already-high expectations I had for the new season. It is that. Fucking. Good. I'd easily call it a contender for one of the best episodes of the season, but again, we'll have to wait and see.

#wild kratts #pbs kids #kratt brothers #martin kratt #chris kratt #pbs kids go #2d kratt brothers #2d martin kratt #2d chris kratt #wild kratts spoilers #season 7 spoilers #s7 spoilers #wild kratts season 7 #chimpanzees

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fuckyeahisawthat · 5 months ago

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Please, talk about the Gom Jobbar scene

Oh hell yes.

So this is one of those posts that really should be a short video essay of me talking over the scene but instead it is gonna be a loooooong wall of text and screenshots. Maybe it will assume its final form some day if I'm ever in possession of the free time and patience to make video essays. I also highly recommend watching Denis Villeneuve's own breakdown of this scene from 2021. I'll try not to duplicate things said there.

We have to start with the setup, which begins with this scene:

We see Jessica on her knees, in the rain, waiting for an arriving ship. These are the first shots in the movie where we see Jessica when no one else is watching her, and this woman who stood calm and composed before representatives of the Emperor of the Known Universe is terrified. Which creates an immediate sense of dread over whoever is coming in that ship.

Whomst in the fuck now?

We also get this shot where we're alone with Jessica. It's a little hard to see in a still frame but there's a moment where she, like, steels herself before she wakes Paul up.

Holy fuck tho, I just noticed the similarities between this shot and the one of the Bene Gesserit arriving, with the almost monochromatic color palette and the shafts of white light.

Once Paul wakes up we shift to his POV. He immediately knows something is off ("What's wrong?" is the first thing he says) but gets no information about what's happening.

Then we get this short scene, where Paul is told he is going to meet the Reverend Mother and but not much else about what's going on. The whole "She wants to know about your dreams." "How does she know about my dreams?" [no answer from Jessica] exchange, I think, implies that she knows because Jessica told her about Paul's dreams, which is this little tiny betrayal of confidence that gives Paul the first inclination that his mother may not be someone he can fully trust in this situation. Which is exactly what Dr. Yueh warns him about immediately after.

We also get two new languages used in this scene. Dr. Yueh speaks to Paul in Mandarin, which he understands and presumably Jessica does not. This gives us a piece of information about Paul's curiosity toward other cultures and his facility with languages. And Jessica uses the Atreides battle sign, which Paul also understands. Outside the library, Jessica pauses to give Paul one more silent warning, although she still hasn't told him what's about to happen.

This is just the setup. So before we've even entered the room, we've created this sense of unsettled foreboding dread (the Denis Signature Vibe) without a clear understanding of why things are happening--which is exactly how Paul feels.

I should also add that in the book, this scene takes place during the day, with the Reverend Mother sitting in front of a window. Shifting it to the middle of the night not only makes it way creepier but also tells us that (1) the Reverend Mother is the kind of person who can command Jessica's attention at any time of day or night and (2) this is all somewhat illicit and possibly is happening without Leto's knowledge.

Whomst in the fuuuuuuck?

We get this sort of weird POV shot of Paul crossing the room when it's not actually happening:

which I think is supposed to suggest some subtler form of control than the Voice, which Paul resists.

Before they've even properly entered the room, Mohiam manages to insult both Paul's parents ("defiance in the eyes, like his father" and dismissing Jessica with a curt "leave us"). And the first thing Paul says is to defend his mother's place in the social hierarchy ("You dismiss my mother in her own house?") with all the haughtiness you would expect.

The power dynamic gets rapidly clarified.

Momentary aside to say that I love the composition of this shot. Neither of them are quite on the third--they're just a bit too close to each other to make the shot look balanced. But neither of them are in center frame either--the box is in the center. They're not exactly aligned to the light gray columns between the bookshelves behind them, either, and the bookshelves are just slightly asymmetrical. It all makes things feel just a little claustrophobic and unsettling. Denis Villeneuve frequently uses this technique of creating unbalanced shots and intentionally leaving too much space in awkward parts of the frame to create a sense of unease.

Paul isn't kneeling in the book either--he's standing beside the chair in a setup that I don't think would actually work given the heights of the actors here, or would look awkward as hell. So they've solved a practical blocking problem and done some storytelling with it as well.

This is where we get our first look at the Voice at full power, and it's one of only two scenes where we get some subjective POV of what it feels like to be Voice-controlled (the other one being Feyd-Rautha and Lady Margot's interaction which deserves its own post). I really like that they didn't go for Voice Slow (zombie shuffling across the room) because Voice Fast is much more disturbing. The subjective experience of it seems closest to like, blacking out and waking up in a place or doing a thing and not knowing how you got there. The camera effect is just a really fast dolly and a slick edit, but Timothée really sells it with his split-second moment of confusion and shock before he realizes what happened and gets angry about it.

So now we're here, with the poison needle and the pain box.

"No need to call the guards. Your mother stands behind that door. No one would get past her."

This is a slick fucking piece of editing. Because just as Paul is learning that his mother has not only trapped him in this situation but is ensuring it continues uninterrupted, we cut to Jessica for the first time since she left the room and we see how absolutely terrified she is.

Also from this point, the sound in the film starts crossing the barrier of the door--we hear some of the dialogue between Paul and Mohiam when we're on shots of Jessica, and when the pain sound effect starts up, we hear it continuously on both sides of the door. So even though Jessica is not literally experiencing the pain, it feels like she is vicariously.

It would be really easy to tip the balance of sympathy in this scene one way or the other--toward Paul who's realizing his mother has handed him over to a painful and potentially lethal test, or toward Jessica who is listening to her child scream in pain and not only cannot stop it but is tasked with making sure it continues. But Denis Villeneuve is an absolute master at controlling and directing your POV in a way that allows you to feel sympathy for multiple characters at once and engage with complicated, contradictory emotional landscapes, and this is a little demonstration of what he's going to do on a much larger scale later in the story.

Timothée's pain acting...is excellent, that's all I'll say about that. Love that he's allowed to get all gross and drippy with it.

Now we get to the litany against fear.

Jessica starts it specifically in response to hearing Paul scream on the other side of the door. So, practically, she is using it to control her own fear. But the way the scene is intercut, it plays as if she is almost coaching or guiding Paul into controlling his own reactions. With every line that she says, we cut back to Paul as he is starting to master the situation.

"I must not fear." Paul is not in control here and seems about at his physical limit for keeping his hand in the box.

"Fear is the mind-killer." This is the one where it really seems like he could be reciting the same litany in his head or under his breath.

"Fear is the little death that brings obliteration." We don't really see Paul's face in the accompanying shot, but the pain sound effect really goes into overdrive, like she is pushing him harder.

"I will face my fear and I will permit it to pass over me and through me." Seems like Paul is getting to some kind of Zen place or whatever where he can withstand the pain.

This is when the first flash of vision pops up and the balance of power starts to shift in Paul's favor. We realize it at the same time both he and the Reverend Mother do.

Then we have this great moment where he looks up at her and we don't quite know what is happening but somehow Paul has started to win this interaction. And we go through a whole Face Journey with him that's intercut increasingly rapidly with Jessica's lines, flashes of the visions, and Mohiam's reaction as she starts to realize she's lost control of the situation.

"And when it has gone past--"

"I will turn the inner eye to see its path--"

"--and where the fear has gone, there will be nothing--"

"Only I will remain."

This part is great because like...nothing is happening. He just looks up at her. But we know that whatever battle is going on between them, Paul is winning now.

(Side note: this is a duel, right? This is his first of three duels, and like the duel with Feyd, he wins it on his knees.)

Then as soon as she says, "Enough," the facade cracks again a little.

And then he does the thing!! That is one of my favorite Paul physicalities!! Where he tilts his chin up so he can look down his nose at someone. Which is particularly audacious when you're on your knees.

It looks arrogant but there's also something a bit...childish? about it. It's something that he does specifically when he feels he does not have control of the situation and he's trying to regain it. He does it to the Emperor at the end of Part Two.

Anyway I LOVE the whole section of intercutting between Jessica and Paul because like. They are physically separated by a door but emotionally they feel connected. She put him in this situation, but then it's almost like she is reminding him that she also gave him the training to survive it. Which like, isn't that a microcosm of their whole fucked-up relationship?

"...You inherit too much power."

"What, because I'm a duke's son?"

"Because you are Jessica's son. You have more than one birthright, boy."

Almost all the dialogue from this scene is taken word for word from the book (although sometimes condensed). This is one of the few lines that got changed. In the book, Jessica is the one who reminds Paul that he is a duke's son--not her son. In general the movie dialogue is more faithful to what's in the book than you might expect. But every once in a while there is a line that feels like it's talking back to the original text like this.

There's another little emotional reversal right at the end of the scene, when Jessica comes in and her face just floods with relief at realizing Paul is still alive. But meanwhile you can see that Paul is really processing how betrayed by her he feels.

And then, after all that, they do talk about his dreams.

Denis has said in interviews that this was one of the very first scenes they filmed. Which is. Insane to me. This is an iconic scene from the book that every fan will come to with expectations and it's a really hard acting job! For everyone involved but especially for Timothée, because so much of the scene turns on him having an intense reaction to something that's not real and generally just...doing stuff with his face, and hoping that the sound design and the score and some scenes that haven't been shot yet will sell what's going on. Usually you would want to work up to an intense emotional scene like this, give the cast and crew a little time to get comfortable with each other. Nope! Anyway Denis has also said that he knew after this scene that he had cast correctly and yeah. I would say so.

#asks answered #dune #dune 2021 #paul atreides #lady jessica #denis villeneuve #timothée chalamet #scene breakdown #thank you for prompting me to take so many screenshots of timmy's pain faces that was fun

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m1ssunderstanding · 11 months ago

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Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 1.1

So disclaimer: I took screenshots instead of photographing my screen this time, but the quality of footage is a thousand times worse so the images are still mostly shit. But anyway, here we go :)

We're going to have to keep a tally on how many times they refer to their relationship in romantic terms. Less than a minute in, Paul has used the description, “great love affair.”

And John's right on his heels with “the sexual equivalent of . . . People in love.” So there's 2 already. Oh boy.

That opening montage of John and Paul just living for the light in each other's eyes should actually be the official music video for “I wanna hold your hand.”

Also I wonder how many songs they have about hiding. Someone's got to have a list somewhere right?

I adore the absolute lack of reaction to John manhandling Paul.

And then This Look. He's in love with him, ladies and gentlemen.

I remember seeing somewhere that this footage was literally right after they'd finished “she loves you.” Which was pretty recently after Bob Wooler, which was right after Barcelona. And if you're like me and you think that song is secretly about their relationship? If Paul's just been singing “she said you hurt her so, she almost lost her mind, but now she says she knows you're not the hurting kind. She said she loves you” at you, after all of that? Of course John's acting like a fucking puppy dog.

Poor George tally number 1

Excuse me??? John wants to live in the Beatle apartment instead of with his actual literal wife until Paul decides to move in with his girlfriend? What? He's so insane. Cynthia, you're lucky Paul's a fucking social climber.

I think it's indicative of two things that Paul said “screw secret girlfriends” while John happily went along with secret wives. One: different levels of security in masculinity (John doesn't have gay eyebrows etc) and two: different relationships. Jane and Paul's relationship was a smart career move for both of them and I think, being upper-class, and having her own career, and not being a mother, Jane was in more of a position to have a say.

Every time I watch that footage of Ken Dodd asking about their parents I physically cringe. Poor poor babies. Do your research you idiot! I don't think that ever happened again. I wonder if Brian made sure of that.

Paul literally talks like such a husband here. “We've thought about it, and probably the thing that John and I will do . . .”

Obsessed with Paul shouldering himself between George and John after George's little joke shove. It's so protective and yet so subtle. Exactly the same strong posture and easy smile as when he stepped between John and that interviewer during the Jesus scandal.

Poor George tally number 2 (you can't quite tell from the pic but John is shoving him out of the way because how dare he put his suitcase by Paul's?! That's John's suitcase's spot!!)

All the Beatles were cuddly with each other. It's one of the cutest bits about them, the puppies in a basket aspect. But I think we'll need a “noticable spacing difference” tally for this rewatch, too, and here's the first.

Paul wearing John's hat for attention and it fully and completely doing the job? They're so embarrassing!

I actually love that John's imitation of his upper-class Scottish family (which Paul can't do) is actually much more convincing than his broad Liverpudlian (which Paul nails in two variations, one based off his own family) I'm obsessed with the class dynamics between them.

Poor George tally three. He shares this one with Ringo. That moment when Paul's pretending to interview them about their purple hearts and cuts them both off with, “thank you. Mi-mister Lennon,” and John and Paul proceed to completely forget the other two exist for who knows how long – certainly longer than the videographer was willing to record.

I find John sliding into Paul's raspy “tiiight yeeeah” with his very turned on “mmmMM it's been a hard” extremely suggestive. I'm sorry but I do.

It's like he thinks if he looks away for too long he's going to disappear or something. Which. Now that I said that. Yeah. That is what it is. Poor separation-issues baby.

Ringo: Paul, you wrote a beautiful song and you sing it great. John: yeah and you're SEXY! Let's not forget that, everyone.

Am I crazy to obsess over every little musical similarity in their songs? Yes. Can I help it? No. The little “oh-oh ohoho” in the If I Fell demo is exactly the same as in Imagine and (frothing and writhing) it means something I can feel it! I just have no idea what.

I also find the lyric change from “i hope that she won't cry” to “i hope that she will cry” extremely interesting. There's always a heterosexual explanation. Trust me, the straights are the Simone Biles of mental gymnastics. But while the published lyric can be read as a man bitter toward his ex girlfriend hoping to hurt her by flaunting his new relationship, the demo version is trickier. Could it be that he doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings by letting her know he's in love with someone else? But who else could John Lennon possibly have been in love with at the time?

“Too too much in love. Woah, too too much in love with you.” My heart

#I'm sad because I really wanted to make a post about y'all's excellent tags on get back especially some that were such good points but I got #So if you want more discussion on those get back posts or if you want to laugh check out the tags on them #I think I'll just highlight and comment on tags as we go with ULM #ringo starr #george harrison #ulm #understanding lennon mccartney #mclennon #the beatles #paul mccartney #john lennon

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selunesdreams · 2 months ago

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Chapter 9: Envy

Lucanis stared into the fire. “Spite is…quiet. Angry. It scares me.” “Oh.” Rook sat forward in bed, hugging her legs to her chest and resting her chin on her knees. In the dim light, she could see the muscles in his back tensing as he faced away from her. He tucked his thumb under his waistband and hesitated, staring at the rug as he spoke. “It should scare you too, Rook.” “Oh, please. I’m not afraid of you. And you even said, Spite likes me...” “Rook…” Lucanis warned. Choosing to keep his trousers on, he ran his fingers through his hair. She swallowed hard, her cheeks turning bright pink. “We need to talk about Illario.”

Pairing: Lucanis x Fem Rook/OFC x Spite???

Summary: Lucanis confronts Zara Renata. A little hurt/comfort. Also...sexual tension. Shirtless Lucanis. Shared bed. Tattoos. Enjoy!

Word Count: 3.2k

warnings: 18+ fic, MDNI! violence violence violence! Decomposition, flies, and graphic detail of really gross stuff. Vomiting. Blood. Stomach churning gore. Drowning, historical parental abuse, stitches. I'm hoping that covers it. Please read on AO3 if you need to track warnings, they will be inevitably detailed better there (or just want to be real sweet and give me hits/kudos/comments).

─── ⊹⊱♤⊰⊹ ───

“I can’t believe they’re hiding in the chantry.” Rook said, pulling her mage knife from a Venatori’s chest. They collapsed to the floor behind her as she walked through a row of pews, looking around. “I used to come here as a girl, for prayers…my mother’s funeral-”

Davrin snapped his fingers at Assan. “I didn’t take you for a religious woman, Rook.”

The griffin raised its head curiously from the body it was sniffing, its feathers rustling as it romped after them.

“I’m not. But there’s peace in ritual.” Rook crouched next to a bookshelf, looking for signs of a hidden passage. “And religion has a lot of it.”

Lucanis had been uncharacteristically quiet - far more than usual - the closer they got to Zara. Rook turned her head, watching him search the bodies they’d left in their wake. He rolled one over with his boot in disgust before giving up and using their vest to wipe his blade clean.

As Rook hesitated over a book with a suspiciously dust-free spine, a faint creaking sound filled the enclave. The shelf rattled and slid to the side with a mechanical click, revealing a narrow platform.

“Well, well. Where does this go?”

“Good work,” Lucanis muttered, throwing himself over the top rung of a ladder with ease, seemingly unconcerned with what awaited below. Davrin and Rook exchanged a worried glance before descending after him.

The three wove through a maze of hallways to a courtyard where they eliminated Faustus, Zara’s lapdog, and both of her bodyguards, before entering an underground chamber. An aqueduct or faucet dripped slowly in the distance as Rook examined the tiled walls, her brow furrowing.

“What does Zara need a bathhouse for?”

“Nothing good. Someone’s using blood magic.” Lucanis said, “A lot of it.”

“He can sense that?” Davrin asked Rook in a low voice.

“It makes the back of his eyes hurt.”

“Something with Spite?”

“He had this before.” She said, pushing through another door. As it swung open, she covered her mouth with her arm, gagging.

Piles of decomposing bodies lined the floor, their rotting forms piled atop one another, each indistinguishable from the next. The air was so thick with flies that she had to shield her face as they walked through.

“We should have Emmrich give them funeral rites after this,” Rook said, her voice strained as she held her breath.

Entering the bathhouse, a sea of blood greeted them. In its center, a woman turned around and casually, wading in their direction.

“Lucanis. It’s terribly uncivilized to drop in on a lady unannounced.” She chastised with a pout. “Now the evening’s ruined.”

“Zara.” Lucanis and Spite growled in unison.

“You brought me a Warden to play with!" Zara rose from her pool of blood, a bodice of carrion just barely concealing her, and crooked a finger, beckoning Rook closer. “And is that a mage? Come here, girl, let me show you how to kneel before your betters.”

“MINE! Do not. TOUCH. ROOK! ” Lucanis and Spite snarled.

“Temper, temper…” Zara examined her nails. “Whatever shall we do with you?”

Two doors swung open on the far end of the hall and more Venatori poured in. Zara took advantage of the distraction and seized her weapons, springing forward and swiping at Lucanis.

Rook, immediately engaged by a nearby mage, could hear the clash of steel behind her as she parried against an incoming blade. She drove her sword through her opponent’s throat, the warm spray misting her face, and ducked just in time to avoid the desperate grab of another from behind. Meanwhile, Assan launched himself into the air, remaining just out of reach as he dive-bombed Zara from above. Davrin charged through a pair of guards, elbowing one in the face and kicking the other into a pillar with a resounding thud. He cleaved his blade across their middle before they could get back up.

Suddenly, something struck Rook from behind, the force driving her head against the pool’s edge. Sharp pain seared through her skull as she was dragging beneath the crimson water. Disoriented, she reared back, gasping for air as Zara’s long nails dug into her scalp, clutching a fistful of her hair.

“I know exactly who you are, Little Flame,” she said in her ear. “I want your blood next.”

Rook’s head was forced back under, and she held her breath, squeezing her eyes shut. As a teenager, her father had done the same to her during training. She recalled the chill of the Treviso canals as he repeatedly dunked her head below.

“If someone is drowning you, don’t struggle. You’ll expend all your energy.” Dante’s voice echoed in her head. “Be still. Be patient.”

“Uncle! What are you doing?” Viago had screamed, running to Fiamma’s rescue, mortified by her father’s methods.

“Stay out of this, boy! She has to learn just like everyone else. Do you want her to be weak? Do you want her to die?”

The weight suddenly disappeared from Rook’s back, and she propelled herself to the surface, choking and retching violently. Blood dripped from her hair and into her eyes as she wiped her vision clear just in time to see Lucanis throwing Zara across the room into a pillar. He hauled Rook out of the depths, setting her down on the pool's ledge.

“You okay?” His eyes glimmered with a purple fog as he bent down to brush away the blood from her temple. Rook winced but nodded, pulling his hand away as she fought back tears, refusing to show weakness. Lucanis gritted his teeth, looking back over his shoulder at Zara, who was dragging herself across the ground past her dead guards.

“I’ve got her. Go show us why they call you the mage-killer, Dellamorte.” Davrin said, kneeling beside Rook.

Lucanis nodded, leaped into the air, and landed in front of Zara, blades drawn. As her blood magic waned, her youthful illusion vanished, leaving her to desperately claw her way towards the pool. He dug the heel of his boot into her hand and she cried out in pain.

“So serious, Lucanis. Why don’t we talk?” Zara’s voice trembled as she groveled at his feet. “I can tell you much about Venatori. And your Crows.”

He cocked his head, hesitating.

“No!” Spite roared. “I want her heart quivering . On OUR knife.”

“You want to know who betrayed you, don’t you? Who sent you to the Ossuary?”

Lucanis regained control, but given the flash of violet in his eyes, Spite wasn’t surrendering easily.

“Talk.” He said in a strained voice.

Zara smiled, showing her bloodstained teeth. “I knew you were-”

A blur plummeted from the rafters between them. Illario seized Zara by the throat, holding Lucanis’ gaze with a confident grin.

“Amatu-” she began, before he snapped her neck without hesitation.

“No! MINE!”

Spite tackled and pinned Illario to the ground, dagger raised high above his head. Rook and Davrin exchanged panicked glances before sprinting forward.

“Lucanis, stop!”

“Rook, I can’t!” Panic filled his voice as he battled Spite for control. The demon lowered the blade while he desperately fought back. “Get..Illario…out! ”

“That’s enough!” Illario’s arm crossed his chest, and Rook sensed something that made her skin prick as Lucanis fell back, Spite’s presence evaporating like smoke.

“Relax.” Illario said, holding out his hand and staggering to his feet. Rook acted swiftly, seizing him by the collar and slamming him into a pillar.

“What did you just do?”

“Nothing.” Illario sneered. “I don’t know what happened any better than you do.”

“That was blood magic.” Rook hissed. “You think I don’t know? I’m a mage, Illario. You’re not. How the fuck-”

“It seems you hit your head.” His thumb dug into the side of her temple. “Maybe you’re seeing things.”

Rook recoiled and reached for her face as he shoved her off of him. Davrin caught her as she nearly toppled over the side of the pool, and a flash of remorse crossed Illario’s features for a moment before he steeled himself.

“Keep him away. From Treviso. From the Crows. He’s a danger to the family.” He said, pointing at Lucanis, unconscious on the tile. “If you were smart, you’d keep away from him, too. But we both know you’re unwilling to do that.”

“You expect me to just abandon him because of Spite?” Rook stepped out of Davrin’s grasp and fell to her knees beside Lucanis. “This isn’t his fault!”

“I don’t expect you to abandon him at all. We both know he’s more than a soldier in your army, Rook.” He spoke her nickname with disgust, spitting into the water after he said it. She pulled Lucanis’ head into her lap as Illario turned away. Blood matted his hair, and she brushed it from his face, angry tears brimming in her eyes.

“How does it feel, Illario?” She called after him. “With your cousin out of the way, you can finally be First Talon. You finally have everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“Not everything, Fiammetta.” He said, meeting her gaze with the most believable look of remorse she’d ever seen. “Not everything.”

─── ⊹⊱♤⊰⊹ ───

“I thought Spite took over when he slept?” Davrin asked as they entered Viago’s apartment, an unconscious Lucanis slung over his shoulder. The downpour outside had soaked through their armor, but at least it washed the blood away.

“Well, ever since Illario put him in a coma, he doesn’t seem to respond, so can you just help me?” She asked, leading him through the apartment to her room. “Fuck, I wish Viago were here. He whines less.”

Davrin unceremoniously dumped Lucanis on her bed. “Where is he?”

“The casino, most likely. He’d never leave work this early in the evening.” She knelt down and tugged off Lucanis’ boots, setting them by the door. “Sorry for snapping. I appreciate your help.”

“It’s alright. However I felt before…I get it now.” He said, “Lucanis doesn’t deserve this, I know that. No one does.”

“Crow drama is a lot…even for Crows.” She said, taking off her cloak and throwing it on the floor.

“So you and the cousin were a thing?”

“Hardly. He, Teia, and I were inseparable once Viago and Lucanis started getting busy with contracts. Illario always felt something for me but…” she unlaced her own boots, kicking them aside. “Every time we got close, he’d do something to ruin it.”

“What about you and Lucanis?”

“What about us? We’re colleagues.” She crouched in front of the small wood-burning stove in the corner of her room and ignited it with a slight wave of her hand.

“Sure…”

Rook walked to where Lucanis lay unconscious, the sheets damp underneath him. She unbuckled his daggers from the sheathes in his armor, setting them on the nightstand before beginning to unfasten the crow-shaped buttons of his leathers.

“Whoa-” Davrin held up his palms in protest, “I know I said we’re cool, but I don’t need to see any more of Lucanis than-”

“You can go. I’ll do the rest. There’s a spare bath at the end of the hallway. But here…” she grabbed a bottle of soap from the rim of her tub, “It’s impossible to tell what’s poison and what’s not in this house. And don’t go in Viago’s room. It’s full of traps.”

“Great…” Davrin stared at the bottle in his hand. He clicked his tongue and nodded in the direction of the den.

“Assan, fireplace.”

The griffin rose from where it was watching in the doorway and hung its head, padding off down the hall.

“Just…keep it professional in here while I’m gone, alright?”

When Rook threw a shoe at him, Davrin smirked and ducked out of the room.

Once he was gone, she finished undressing Lucanis down to the knitted sweater and trousers he wore underneath his armor. She did her best to give him a modicum of privacy, but it wasn’t a simple task when he was dead weight. With his overclothes piled in a soaking wet heap on the floor, she eased him onto the pillows and brushed damp strands of hair out of his face. He looked peaceful, and she hoped whatever comatose state Illario had forced him into was at least a restorative one.

She took off her bloodied clothes and drew herself a bath, occasionally glancing over her shoulder, praying he or Spite wouldn't wake until after she was done. One hand pressed to the cast iron tub, tiny flames peeked out from under her fingertips as she warmed the water before stepping in.

Rook scrubbed hard against her skin, trying to shake the image of the bodies in the hall outside the bathhouse. Unsure she’d ever feel clean after all the blood she choked on, she sunk underwater, combing her fingers through her hair, but soon emerged with a gasp as the image of being nearly drowned by Zara overwhelmed her.

With a shudder, she wrapped her arms around herself and hastily drained the tub, wringing out her hair and climbing out. She toweled off near the stove and dressed in the most modest nightgown she could find in her wardrobe, pulling a thick, fur-lined robe around herself for good measure.

Facing her vanity mirror, she lit a few candles and peered at her reflection. The darkness cast harsh shadows over her bruised face, but the cut on her temple wasn’t terribly deep. She reached into a drawer, retrieving a med kit and carefully began sewing her injury shut, wincing and biting her lip. She was lucky she still had an eye.

“Need some help with that?” Davrin asked from the doorway.

Rook grimaced. “If you don’t mind.”

He knelt down, taking the needle and thread from her hands.

“Thanks,” she mumbled as he worked, “For everything.”

He grinned. “Of course. We’re all a team, right?”

“Right.”

Davrin looped off the last stitch and setting the kit on the vanity, checking his work.

“Definitely gonna scar, but you should survive.”

Rook groaned and checked herself in the mirror again, arranging her hair to cover half her face.

“Looks like you’re full up here. I’ll take the couch.” Davrin gave her a casual salute with two fingers, casting a final glance between her and Lucanis.

“Colleagues my ass..” he grumbled, disappearing into the hall.

Rook smiled to herself and shut the door, draping her robe over a chair and crawling under the sheets with a shiver. Lucanis’ brow furrowed in his sleep, and she rolled on her side, propping herself up on an elbow as she brushed her knuckles along his cheek. His lashes fluttered in response to her touch, and she flinched, pulling her arm back as he opened his eyes.

“You’re awake!”

Lucanis sat up in bed, his gaze sweeping across the room.

“You brought me to Viago’s? ”

“You were unconscious. It was too much work to get you on a zipline back to the eluvian. If it’s any consolation, he’s not home yet.”

He grunted and looked down at himself, raising an eyebrow.

“You were getting my sheets wet.” She explained.

Lucanis pressed a palm to his damp sweater. “Still am.”

“There’s a drying rack by the fire. I was waiting for you or Spite to wake up and handle the…rest.”

He nodded appreciatively and crossed the room, pulling his sweater off over his head and arranging it over a wooden rung.

“Spite is…quiet. Angry. It scares me.”

“Oh.” Rook sat forward in bed, hugging her legs to her chest and resting her chin on her knees. In the dim light, she could see the muscles in his back tensing as he faced away from her. He tucked his thumb under his waistband and hesitated, staring at the rug as he spoke.

“It should scare you too, Rook.”

“Oh, please, Lucanis. I’m not afraid of you. And you even said, Spite likes me...”

“Rook…” Lucanis warned. Choosing to keep his trousers on, he ran his fingers through his hair.

She swallowed hard, her cheeks turning bright pink.

“We need to talk about Illario.” She said, changing the subject. “He wants you to stay away from the Crows. He thinks you’re a danger to your family.”

Lucanis turned around. “He’s not wrong. If I lose control…”

“He used blood magic to control Spite.”

“I know. I felt it.” His jaw tightened. “Spite did too.”

Rook took a slow, deep breath.

“The night you were captured, did Illario know you were boarding that ship?”

“Yes.”

“I know he’s your cousin, Lucanis, but I won’t pretend I haven’t seen Illario at his…worst. When he doesn’t get his way, he loses it. If he’s jealous of you, if you stand in the way of what he wants…I can’t put it past him to betray you.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and gestured in the air. “I never wanted First Talon! He knows that.”

“But you’re still a threat to his claim. Caterina’s groomed you for her role since you were a child, Lucanis. And Illario knows everyone thinks you’re better suited for it!”

“Maker help my idiot cousin...” Lucanis wrapped his fingers around one of Rook’s bedposts, glaring out the window. Her eyes darted away, trying desperately to avoid staring at the way the leather of his pants hugged his hips.

“It should have been my knife to finish Zara. Not Illario’s. After everything she did to me…”

He sank onto the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands.

“Is there anything I can do?” Rook asked quietly.

He crawled towards her and reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, revealing her stitches. “I never should have brought you into my mess.”

“Lucanis-I’m here because I want to be. For you.”

“And look what happened.” His thumb ghosted over her temple and he frowned. “Not to mention Illario throwing a tantrum and implying…”

His voice trailed off, and he rose to his feet.

“You’ve done more than enough, Rook,” a weak smile tugged at his lips. “Get some rest.”

Her fingers caught his wrist, pulling him back.

“Davrin took the couch.”

“I’ll make coffee. I shouldn’t sleep anyway, not with Spite like this.”

She tugged him down. “Stay.”

“This isn’t a good idea, Rook…”

“It’s just sleep.” She said, pleading through her gaze.

Lucanis scrubbed his face with his hand and cursed under his breath before relenting. Stretching out beside her, he stared at the ceiling, one arm propped under his head.

“You’re killing me, Fiammetta.” he said hoarsely.

“I know.” She rolled in the opposite direction, drawing the duvet closer around her body. Both of them remained still, unmoving, until she drifted off to sleep.

At some point in the night, Rook stirred as Lucanis shifted beside her. His fingertips, cool and deliberate, moved her hair aside before slowly tracing the outline of the tattoo on her back, just below the base of her neck. Nearly all crows had one to identify them by house. A show of loyalty, or a means of identification, should they fail a contract. Known for their snake-derived poisons, the De Rivas' depicted a crow mid-flight, clutching a serpent in its talons.

Rook didn’t dare speak or breathe. Lucanis’ touch lacked any sense of violation or impropriety. Instead, it was tentative. Restrained. Curious.

With a heavy sigh, he eventually rolled out of bed, retrieving his sweater by the fire, and slowly closed the door behind him as he slipped into the hall.

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purpledemonlilyposting · 6 months ago

Text

Lily is making throwaways to talk to herself now cause she's too afraid to turn anons back on.

[Lily's post]

There are so many golden nuggets in here. Since these are both most likely Lily lets look at a few!

Lily's media takes are beyond just bad, she asserts that the creators of children's cartoons are dangerous extremists for perceived bad messaging in their works that Lily just makes up.

Even without that Lily's takes on symbolism, metaphor, and just basic narrative structure are worth examining because they are some of the most bizarre and ignorant many of us have ever encountered.

But no one "orients their life around you", Lily. It just feels that way because you sit in your subsidized apartment on the internet all day ordering Door Dash from a Subway you could easily walk to. I'd say get some sun but you'd probably turn to ash like a vampire.

As for me? I do something you're incapable of: putting on a show.

No one cares you're trans, Lily. Get over it. Plenty of trans people exist in online nerd culture. You can't hide from the consequences of your own words and actions by using your demographic as shield.

Pfft. They could try. Go ahead. Make videos about me. Hell, Lily, unlike you I don't even hold or delete comments. The little anklebiters who like to lecture me in my comment section don't seem to realize I'm the one allowing them to be there expressing their stupid ignorant opinions because that aligns with my principles.

Lily doesn't make a video about me because she knows I'd just react to and laugh at it. And with any luck YouTube has taken her ability to copyright strike away because she's used it maliciously 9 times.

Also retard. Just say retard, Lily. Not "tradigrade" not "child left behind" not "fetal alcohol syndrome". Just say retard.

You clearly want to. And are bitter you can't because of the insular audience you've cultivated.

This is how I know it's you because only Lily Orchard could be upset I criticized the bland Antarctica anime for being a bland Antarctica anime the sole focus of which is to get 4 teenage moeblobs on a big technical ship. Which is written by a middle aged man who does nothing but moeblob shows and directed by a woman who does nothing but moeblob shows. They both worked on No Game No Life, Lily. You know. This:

The one with the 11 year old loli in love with her step brother. Actually Lily it sounds right up your alley. You should watch it next.

Antarctica show is so full of so many plot contrivances. Why does Shirase just carry her wad of Antarctica cash everywhere and dropped it so carelessly? It's sure convenient that her and Kimari just happen to go to the same school and Kimari happens to hear her loudly wailing about the money in the bathroom. How does Hinata, a 16 year old high school drop out who works in a convenience store think she can even hope to afford this trip? Where are her parents in this anyway? We never see them.

The girls only get on the trip in the first place because another girl who is a child star vlogger just happens to be also going and just happens to contact them wanting them to go in her stead. And after making friends with them she tells her mother that she won't go without the other 3 girls but... the rest of the expedition that adamantly refused to let them on before just suddenly agrees to take them? Because this one minor celebrity and her manager mom who isn't even going said so? Takako only wanted to go to Antarctica because it just sounded neat, she's not an artic researcher, or engineer, or anything that would justify her being out there (a woman in STEM? Perish the thought says 50 year old Jukki Hanada I guess) and she died out in a blizzard trying to get a laptop to email her daughter who she has now left motherless for no good reason. And this is only ever treated as heartwarming and not idiotic.

Face it Lily. The entire show exists just to get 4 teenage girls on a big ship so otaku men can enjoy both brainless moeblobs and technical ship porn. The show sure likes to emphasize over and over how the girls are joshi kosei too. Why couldn't the show have been about the trip of the adult women (who incidentally also act like brainless teenage girls in the show)?

Yeah you guys aren't winning against me on Utena lol. Here, have my post where I have the video walking people through the episode itself. If you want to ignore the actual text of the series in order to appear morally forthright that's your own problem:

And everyone on the bus clapped, and that Asian woman's name? Albert Einstein. What does this have to do with anything except poisoning the well by linking this unsourced incident in peoples' minds to Ant and I?

Also it's Twitter. So Twitter is bad and unreasonable here, but they're not bad and unreasonable when they're squawking at me over a classic anime they've never even watched. Or squawking at Ant cause "L-L-Lily is totes a Native trans woman?? So you can't criticize any of the batshittery that spews constantly from her face hole??"

Ah now we're on to Lily's response to herself.

Oh look out Ant, Lily's got damning screenshots she just can't show anybody right now.

Probably similar to when she happily accepted a screenshot from Poppy of Poppy being creepy to Courtney and tried to blame Courtney for it.

Lily you attract attention when people talk about you because the wider nerdy internet knows your takes are insanely bad. And they know your takes are all tangled up in your personal dramas and heinous actions. They can tell. You're not as subtle as you think you are.

I cut together my response to your bad Utena takes in your 2023 Steven Universe video on a whim and slapped it on my completely unestablished personal YouTube account. It got 5k views in a few days. That's how disliked you are.

Nobody knows who I am but you sure copyright struck 4 of my livestream VODs trying to take my channel down. The 4 VODs where I most talk about your blatantly obvious incest fetish at that. Nobody knows who I am but I've gained 10k subs in 6 months primarily from dunking on you. Because I'm better at YouTube than you are.

And people do bitch at me for saying retard constantly. And you know why I keep doing it? Because the ones who most often tell me not to are some of the most annoying, entitled, self-righteous, puritanical control freaks and it's an easy way to weed them out.

By the way have fun trying to find a lawyer within 10 days who will tell you "Why yes, Lily, you can absolutely copyright these videos of yours full of footage that belong to Viacom, Netflix, Amazon, Toei Animation, Dreamworks, Activision-Blizzard, and many more!"

#Lily Orchard #Lily Orchard Critical #That was cathartic lol

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mitigatedchaos · 7 months ago

Text

You Won't "Beat Trump at His Own Game"

Post for July 8, 2024 5,500 words, 25 mins

[ @morlock-holmes ]

Like, can you guys imagine Donald Trump ever admitting that he lost a debate? Let alone imagine his party *withdrawing him as nominee* because of it? And we're going to beat him at his own game by, uh, doing literally the exact opposite of his game?

[ mitigatedchaos ]

Your plan is to beat Trump by being better at being Trump than Trump is? Damn, son. You got a Texas oil baron lined up or something?

-★-

I watched the first hour of the debate. At one point the moderator asked Trump about abortion. As the Republican candidate, this is a tricky question for him, since evangelical voters would like abortion banned in most cases (and thus presumably every state). Trump then argued that he was leaving it up to the states, and the states would decide. He says that he agrees that the abortion pill should be legal, and agrees with the court ruling in favor of it, and that he supports the exceptions for rape, incest, and health of the mother. Further, he's against third trimester and 'post-birth abortion.'

While banning most first trimester abortion only has 38% support, banning most third trimester abortion has 80% supermajority support. The views of the median voter are in tension: they don't want to force women to have babies they don't want, but they also don't want to kill babies.

Biden stumbles in his delivery of his canned line in response, which appeared to be based on the idea that strict limits on abortion access would de facto nullify the exceptions.

Democrats have repeatedly lied about abortion. Republicans have repeatedly lied about abortion. The whole argument about 'after-birth' abortions appears to be based on political fencing with bills, which Democrats also do. (Something like the classic, "Oh, sure, it's illegal, but will you make it super double illegal? Oh, you won't? That means you support it, then.")

(I should note, at the time, I wrote, "I don't think Americans should trust a single word either of these guys is saying.")

But later, Biden trips over Roe v. Wade and the three trimesters to the point that it's unclear just what the hell he means.

The main CNN video doesn't support comments, but there's a clip that does. The top comment?

we're fucked as a nation

In my opinion, these comments overall agree with my post...

Man, both of these men are so old and tired, though Biden is the older and tireder of the two. ... This guy's like a cat with 6 months to live.

It isn't that Biden "lost" the debate, as in he morally failed to engage in enough preparation. The man is simply too old; no amount of preparation would have worked.

-★-

With the abortion argument, we get a good example of Trump's pattern of exaggeration: "Everybody wanted to get it back to the states. Every legal scholar, all over the world. The most respected."

There was a substantive debate about this, and in fact there were a number of legal scholars that believed that the issue was, on a legal basis, on shaky ground. This was a common argument over the past two decades. There was not a complete, unanimous consensus.

People talk about Trump lying a lot. For a lot of that, I think they have this sort of thing in mind, but I don't take it all that seriously. This is salesman lying. He is trying to sell you a Trump steak.

Each message has a [social] component and a [content] component. Trump is weighting the [content] component lower, making it less accurate, but the [social] component lacks tactical depth.

I think this gets into some sort of personality conflict.

All politicians lie. They put on a nice suit, tell you some flowery speech, and then go bomb some country in the middle east. Obama was a genius at public speaking, like Hollywood President tier, but the drone war continued.

So, to make up an example (that's less controversial), a regular politician will start talking about "the human dignity" of guys that break into cars, or something, and the initial language will be quite empathetic. But rather than going where this is supposed to go, and improving the quality and safety of the prisons, they'll get you to agree to this nice-sounding language as part of a multi-step maneuver, and then they won't fix the prisons, and they won't properly rehabilitate the guys that break into the cars, and they'll just... release them, to break into your car.

So if someone starts talking about "human dignity," I start looking for where they hid the knife. (I also consider their personal record; I'm willing to entertain that they're serious, but I have to see the evidence of pragmatism first.)

Trump comes in and he starts talking about how, "All the legal scholars agree with me, all over the world. The most prestigious." This translates to, "I'm popular. I make great decisions. Vote for me."

It's so crass that it has a tactical depth of like, one. It's not part of some long and complicated chain. There is no sophisticated ideological permission structure being setup. He's not trying to redefine the language. There is no second maneuver.

So to me, this feels safe.

I'm not expecting to be attacked from some high-level social plane or whatever, so I can relax. This man is a salesman. A lot of what he says is bullshit, but he just wants to sell me something.

I know it's bullshit. He knows it's bullshit. He knows I know it's bullshit. But this deception is so unsophisticated that it loops back around to being somewhat honest, or even friendly. (It's like if you had a mandatory prison gang fight, and technically, they have to "fight" you, but they're not really trying.) Obviously it results in a lower rate of information transmission, though. (What will he actually do? It can be hard to say.)

This is not the same as "lock her up," from Trump's 2016 campaign against Hillary Clinton. That was concerning, and in fact in the 2016 election I voted for Clinton. But then, he didn't follow through on that.

-★-

Thinking from the other direction, why would someone find the general, "we have the best cows," approach to be disconcerting rather than just annoying? (The Wall was kinda also like that. It's just a big, dumb object.)

Well, if you're used to everything having three layers of social misdirection in order to protect everyone's reputations and social position, and using this to demonstrate loyalty to others, maybe the crass rhetoric makes it sound like anything could be up for sale, with enough votes.

So you're supposed to say the stuff that your network socially agree sounds nice, and if you aren't saying the stuff, that might mean you're planning to coordinate to do something bad. (Why aren't you following the network? Do you think you're better than other people? Sounds like you might be planning to subordinate others.)

But the actual content of the messages doesn't get properly evaluated.

To quote some swing voters from the famous Reddit "sanewashing" post:

Only one participant here agrees we should "defund the police." One woman says "That is crazier than anything Trump has ever said." 50% of people here say they think Biden was privately sympathetic to the position. We are explaining the actual policies behind defund the police. One woman interrupts "that is not what defund the police means, I'm sorry. It means they want to defund the police." "I didn't like being lied to about this over and over again" says another woman. "Don't try and tell word don't mean what they say" she continues. Rest of group nodding heads.

During the early part of the 2014-2022 era, when we had the feminist push, there was a term called "mansplaining," intended to mean roughly "a men condescendingly explaining things to a woman."

In discussion with each other, men may try to assess who is the most knowledgeable or sharpest (in order to lead the discussion), so they may throw a piece of information out there like it's a tennis ball, and they expect you to hit it back. So a man might tell a woman about a book that she wrote, and then expect her to respond with some insight about the passage he was discussing.

From what I've seen, among men this is social statusy, but it's not like, hardcore. From some women, we got tweets along the lines of, "How dare he lecture me about my own book! Does he think he knows better than me about the book I wrote myself?!" It's basically mismatched systems of etiquette. (An autistic woman might have powered through and info dumped about the book to the man anyway until he got tired of the topic, and perceived no insult.)

This was a triple failure.

First, the men did not realize that the women (this kind of woman) have different discursive norms from men, and adapt in a way that makes them feel more comfortable in mixed spaces.

Second, the women did not realize that this was not a male plot to subordinate women. Feminists connected this etiquette mismatch to a larger ideological construct ("patriarchy"). Some of them are probably still angry to this day.

Third, the two groups largely did not reach a mutual understanding on this issue, except for a few honest people (and people less prone to viewing the opposite sex adversarially) in small spaces, coming into maturity.

Which is to say, in this clash of norms, the view based on multiple layers of social indirection as a form of politeness may be socially astute within its own culture, but may be socially maladapted outside of that culture.

Because these social norms are social, they are a product of a local social equilibrium rather than a more universalist analysis, which in practice makes them more particular. Compare economic or scientific ideas, which, while they exist in a social context, have a non-social framework for discovery and resolution.

I don't find it that difficult to understand the median voter wanting first trimester abortion to be legal and third trimester abortion to be illegal.

In the same way, to the median voter and not just conservatives, a slogan like "defund the police" means "defund the police." A lot of the more confrontational slogans produced by this process sound positively unhinged to outsiders - in a way that makes Donald Trump seem normal by comparison.

-★-

There are a good number of right-wing grifters who are out there regularly lying. I don't post much about them, because they just aren't that interesting. The field of politics is constantly shifting, anyway.

But I think it's worth considering how Democrats got into this situation.

To pick another Trump example, some readers may have seen this 2018 video of Trump telling Germany they're too dependent on imported Russian natural gas, and the German delegation smiling at him.

youtube

I vaguely recall that this was part of a Trump push to sell more liquefied natural gas from the US to the Europeans.

Of course, Russia did expand their war with Ukraine in 2022. At the time, Germany was importing 55% of their natural gas from Russia.

Brookings interviewed some economists about how the results went down. Russia cut down on gas supplies into Europe in 2021, reducing the amount of stored gas in Germany by the expansion of the war in early 2022. They raised and lowered the amount of gas coming in to Germany until the explosion of the Nord Stream pipeline in mid 2022.

So it's likely that Putin's Russia were, in fact, trying to gain leverage over Germany. Estimates from industry CEOs predicted a major recession.

The economists predicted that the situation would be expensive, but manageable, and the damage to Germany's economy was less than expected. Why?

First, the demand for gas was not perfectly inelastic. The dire predictions were based on gas as a bottleneck causing a cascade of missing production inputs ("for want of a bolt, the bulldozer is lost; for want of a bulldozer, the factory is lost; for want of a factory..." one might say). It turned out that it was possible to substitute at multiple points in the production process, so more gas-intensive components could be imported if needed. (As the war was in Ukraine, Germany was not blockaded.)

Second, gas was imported from other sources, including Norway... and liquefied natural gas from the US. (A second source claims that 5-6% of the gas is still coming from Russia.)

Third, the disruption was already on the horizon from 2021, so it was easier to coordinate actors.

So was Trump right? Was he wrong?

Germany was getting about 26% of its energy from natural gas in 2021. If 55% of that is from Russia, that makes for about 14% of Germany's energy supply, not including imported Russian oil. As of 2014, Russian troops were already occupying Crimea.

What I want to argue is that, less than right or wrong, "Getting ≥14% of your energy from a powerful geopolitical rival, particularly one currently engaged in a military occupation just two countries away, gives them potential leverage, and this makes it risky," is obvious.

Going, "Haha, look at this ignorant buffoon who thinks that Putin might exploit providing us with 1/8th of our energy for leverage," is just... It's cringe.

Germany had to reactivate their coal power plants to deal with the energy crisis, but they still had coal power plants to reactivate. The long-term storage problem for renewables hasn't been resolved yet. If they had an energy economy that was 60% natural gas, 40% renewables, and 0% nuclear, they'd be in an even worse spot.

(Lately it looks like people are making a stab at sucking CO2 out of the air and converting it to fuel. Will that be online as a replacement in 2030? That's harder to say. It would be fortunate, because combustible fuels don't have the same security concerns as fission power.)

-★-

Anyhow, that was all background.

How did Democrats get into this mess?

Well, obviously Democrats and left-leaning people in the media made a huge deal of Trump as the exception, Trump as the risk, Trump as would-be dictator, Trump as the erosion of norms, and so on. And of course, the Covid-19 pandemic landed on Trump's term and was very abnormal.

The point of running Joe Biden, from the perspective of the median voter, was a "return to normalcy." This is what voters were telling them by picking the pre-Trump Vice President from Obama's term.

After Trump got in and stopped caring about pursuing Hillary Clinton, I found it hard to buy the idea of Trump as an emergency.

Democrats always seemed to use "Trump is an emergency" as an excuse to behave in worse ways. For example, Democrats argued that protests against lockdowns of community centers like churches were too dangerous to be allowed due to the risk of spreading the virus, but then argued that nation-wide race riots needed to be allowed and that this was the position of 'science' as an institution.

Did the race riots accomplish anything of value? No. The opportunity for normal police reform was squandered on braindead slogans like "Defund the Police," which swing voters think are insane. There was a significant increase in homicide, and this is before accounting for significantly-improved trauma surgery since 1990. If LA is any indication, most of the victims of the increase in homicide were black and hispanic.

They complained constantly about Trump eroding institutional norms... and then eroded institutional norms. By 2022, trust in mass media among independents and Republicans collapsed to 27% and 14% respectively.

This is going to be a long-term problem; conspiracy theories are proliferating due to a lack of trust in sense-making institutions, and sense-making institutions have had their reputations shredded by wasteful partisan behavior that barely moved the needle electorally.

One way to assess how much someone values something is to ask what they're willing to give up to get it. Ask any Democrat on Twitter - what concessions are they willing to make to the rest of America to ensure Trump doesn't get back into office? The answer is none.

A "return to normalcy" would mean using the racial identitarians as expendable shock troops and then dropping them after the election, not getting shut down by the courts for doing "race conscious" policy.

The administration would quietly make changes to shore up the practical (not mere messaging) legitimacy of the institutions in order to cover for the spent legitimacy from the Trump era and run a boring administration focused on policies with supermajority support.

So now Democrats are the weird theater kids, and Trump is the normal guy. (And he's already been President, so publishing a magazine cover calling him Hitler just comes off as hysterics.)

-★-

Why did this happen?

First, as the guy that won the election, Joe Biden is the primary guy with the political capital to reshape the Democratic coalition's priorities. In 2020, Joe Biden had the same problem he has in 2024: he's too old.

There is no Democrat strategic command to impose discipline on the coalition members. There are lots of factions all fighting each other to pursue policy that's aligned with their own interests rather than the national interest, and it's resulting in what I call a coalitional interest deadlock. (For a relatively uncontroversial example, Left-NIMBYs and boneheaded environmentalists oppose housing construction, while pro-immigrationists bring in millions of people... who, when they get here, would need housing. One of these two factions needs to lose.)

Nasty identitarian rhetoric requires no immediate material concessions from these factions, nor does it require any discipline, so we get nasty identitarian rhetoric that does not benefit the country in any way, and is not connected to positive programs (that would require actual work and limiting claims to what's realistic, which defeats the point).

Some of you are probably familiar with the idea of a "leveraged buyout." This is when a private equity firm buys a company with debt, and then typically put it on the balance sheet of the company they just bought out. A firm with too much debt is said to be "overleveraged."

The second problem is that Democrats are epistemically overleveraged. They are making too many bets based on incomplete information, and a lot of the assumptions they're making in the process are not accurate.

Some tech-related online right-wingers believed that mass schooling was having almost no effect on learning or performance, and that it was almost entirely just selecting for conscientiousness and intelligence.

Learning losses from online schooling during the pandemic showed that mass schooling was having an effect - by removing it.

However, in researching the literature on education shortly before the pandemic, I found that getting educational results beyond what schools were achieving was very difficult, and that many educational interventions would fade out. Charter schools only produced modestly better results (for about the same price), in a way I couldn't differentiate from selection effects on parents. (I did find that online charters performed horribly. Well, I guess that's one finding verified by a larger-scale experiment.)

It isn't a matter of funding. Baltimore schools are highly funded and get terrible results.

We lack means to convert funding into results.

(Roland Fryer reportedly managed to beat the average for one class, but as a sign of things to come, he got politically sidelined in 2019. Naturally, he's an economist.)

Line voter Democrats are likely to claim that sub-par US school results are due to underfunding. The condition of scientific institutions is not as bad as right-wingers think it is; researchers know that just blindly slapping more funding on to education won't work. However, the guys in between, the 'officers' of the Democratic coalition, are quite happy to leave the line voters in the dark.

They're probably patting themselves on the back, thinking, "I should leave out the most damaging information in order to protect the weak and marginalized," and then not accounting for the possibility that everyone else in their information chain is doing the same thing.

Because of this, we don't get a more serious conversation that would establish a better method to convert funding into results. (This applies to other domains as well. Public transit in the US is ruinously expensive to construct, particularly in CA and NYC. A "car tax" without the ability to practically construct public transit is just a hateful punishment.)

When a Democrat is talking about "beating Trump at his own game," for example, by pretending that Biden did OK at the debate, this is generally of the form, "we should be more aggressive, deceptive, and selfish."

The Democrats are already too deceptive. It's inhibiting their ability to govern effectively. The Democrats are already too aggressive. A number of the online right being read by Chris Rufo and Elon Musk were once self-identified liberals [1] who were driven away and radicalized by the hostile messaging (which was not connected to practical benefits for society, so this isn't "mere selfishness"). Democrats are already selfish enough; forgiving student debt without fixing the system to reduce the origin of that debt polls 30-40 approve-disapprove.

And for the debate itself...

Bro why do we have 70+ year old[s] running for office? Shouldn't we have someone at least young and more modern? This is like watching a retirement home cafeteria fight 😭

Do you think telling someone like that, "Biden didn't lose the debate," sounds, you know, hinged? At the very least, it certainly doesn't inspire trust or confidence.

-★-

A little while ago, collapsedsquid posted:

Seeing a lot of the "This Trump thing is because everyone was so unfair to Romney in 2012 and he lost" out there again and this is fucking abuser logic man, "Why did you make me hit you? If you'd only put away the dishes like I'd asked then this wouldn't have had to happen" shut the fuck up man.

I had been writing a draft response to this.

Basically, seriousness is both a substantive position and a rhetorical stance. The Bush administration undermined the rhetorical stance on the Republican side due to the Iraq War, which was mismanaged, and in which no nuclear weapons were found. (Some old chemical weapons were found, but not an actual development program.)

Throwing the line "binders full of women" at Mitt Romney didn't help, of course, but it's more like that faction of the Republican party failed to regain its footing.

During the Bush administration, there were comparisons of George Bush to Hitler (it showed up on protest signs, for instance).

In practice, the Bush administration were libcons. Looking at Afghanistan, a mountainous, dry, landlocked country that has a GDP per capita of around $500, they were neither 'anti-racist' enough to decide not to invade and respect the local rule of the Taliban (and their local cultural traditions), nor conventionally racist (or culturalist) enough to conclude that national development would be a tremendous challenge requiring a radical reorganization of Afghan society.

Utilitarianism is generally about maximizing "utility," or subjective positive experience, and assumes that this can be summed across individuals. For example, there is a utilitarian thought experiment in which a surgeon has one healthy patient and five sick patients. If he kills the healthy patient, then he can harvest the man's organs in order to save the five sick patients. (Yes, like in Rimworld.)

There are many problems with a naive utilitarian approach.

However, if we rotate the concept of utilitarianism, we get the idea of moral prices, and morality as something that can be traded off against other factors of production, such as land, labor, energy, capital, and so on. Morality is not like these other resources; immorality can incentivize more immorality. However, this provides us with a potential frame with which to view a more violent and exploitative past.

One way to view the situation is that a radical reorganization of Afghanistan would be morally intensive, not just financially draining.

For example, Afghanistan has a high rate of cousin marriage, which is not common in developed countries. Overriding that would mean prioritizing foreign marriage norms as superior, taking on epistemic debt as the relationship between marriage norms and democracy or economy is more correlative than rock-solid causative, and to the degree that Afghan people resist this change, enforcing it at gunpoint.

While Democratic voters of the era would joke about Republican-voting "rednecks" being cousin-married, the appetite for such a program likely did not exist.

Another way to view the situation is that, from the outside, the Bush administration believed that democracy, rule of law, economic productivity, and women's liberation, were simply what happens in the absence of dictatorship. This view legitimized American power and influence as simply the natural order asserting itself, and argued that asserting American influence was morally cheap.

If democracy, rule of law, economic productivity, and women's liberation are non-trivially the product of particular cultural norms and values, then American interventionism is much more morally expensive.

In either case, Trump represents a "correction" in reaction to the failed project of the Bush administration: conflict and oppression are still undesirable; bombs are morally expensive; borders are cheap.

-★-

As we know, the United States lost the war in Afghanistan to the Taliban. A joke emerged at the time:

"Now the Taliban have to govern Afghanistan."

Discussion in right-wing circles claims that the Taliban won by doing a better job of maintaining basic property rights and resolving disputes than the US-aligned forces did, despite being in a state of war with the US:

The short answer is that they auditioned to replace the state across the spectrum of control — including punitive violence, but also the pedestrian tasks of recordkeeping and adjudication and governance. They wove their legitimacy into ordinary people’s water rights, their inheritances, their personal disputes — so that even people who were indifferent to the Taliban’s ideological program became invested in the Taliban’s stability and growth.

There were, reportedly, complaints from members of the Taliban after their victory, but it would seem that the Taliban were already governing Afghanistan.

Richard Hanania may be a troll, but he went through some Afghan War documents posted by the Washington Post, and I don't think he's making it up. It would seem that while the Taliban were governing Afghanistan, the US forces, well, weren't:

Six months after he was appointed, Bush didn't know who his top general in Afghanistan was, and didn't care. General McNeill had no guidance about what he should be doing in the country.

He has a whole long thread of this sort of thing. It reminds me of reading through the Wikipedia page on the Vietnam War many years after high school history, which made it sound like the US was quite adept with high-technology weapons, but failed to properly identify and manage the political source for the conflict.

Let's return to the student loan debt forgiveness issue.

A typical firm only has a profit margin of about 7-10%. A firm can keep going as long as it's breaking even, so even a low profit margin can still pay wages. However, if a firm is losing money, it will have to sell off assets or lay off employees, reducing its production capacity.

There is investment, in which we spend current production in order to increase or maintain future production, such as by building a factory. If we make a good investment, we'll get the production value back later. There is insurance, which involves moving risk around. For example, you are unlikely to be in a car accident most of the time, but if you have car insurance and you do get in an accident, the insurance company will pay for repair or replacement of your car. [2] This may make you more likely to buy a car in the first place, or more likely to structure your life around the assumption that you will have a car.

Governments can (in theory) spend a great deal on investment or insurance, but they can only spend a more limited amount on consumption spending.

For a college degree that pays for itself, government can loan money at a low interest rate, and the value will be paid back by the person who took the loan later.

For a college degree that doesn't pay for itself, someone has to supply the production that builds the buildings on the campus, fixes the water pipes, reloads the toilet paper in the bathrooms, and so on, and if that's not "the person taking the degree, but in the future," then it has to be someone else.

Someone like collapsedsquid might have the view, "I want the state to subsidize college education. Why should I pre-compromise and reduce my negotiating position?"

To expand on this, "Guarding the state treasury is the work of the right and of capital (business); why should I do their work for them?"

From this perspective, the role of the Democratic presidential candidate is to be the leader of America's left-leaning coalition, the blue team.

But the median voter or swing voter does not necessarily have this perspective. The median or swing voter is choosing between two candidates to lead the American enterprise.

The actual job is President of the United States.

If you win the War in Afghanistan, you have to govern Afghanistan. If you win the US presidential election, you have to govern the United States of America.

That's the prize. If you don't like it, don't run for office.

-★-

Nonetheless, this causes a tension. In order to become President as a Democrat, you first have to win the Democratic primary, which makes you effectively the leader of the Democratic party.

How do you deal with this?

That's "simple": split the issues.

A political coalition has a lot of people and those people have diverse interests. Representing them all at once is too difficult. Talking about them all at once is too difficult. Generalization of coalitional interests into a smaller, more manageable set of principles yields ideology.

Take the issues, and order them by how important they are to the functioning of the country, and how important they are for mainstream voters.

For the issues most important to mainstream voters, aim for a very broad coalition using very general principles. Pass legislation that has supermajority support in the polls, and be loud about it so that voters know what you've done for them lately.

For more niche issues that mainstream voters care less about, aim for a narrower coalition with narrower principles, to reward your base.

The second is the reward for the first. The median voter should be able to trust you on the things that he cares about, and where he doesn't trust you, it's on things he doesn't care about.

Core issues for the functioning of the country will seep into more generic voter dissatisfaction with things like inflation, so it's better to keep on top of those. Whether to be loud about it depends on whether the individual policy that's actually needed has good optics or not.

-★-

If you want to "beat Trump at his own game," you don't do so by talking about how America has the best steaks.

You identify his most important issues, and then you work out how to best steal them from him.

[1] "They were elves, once." Extradeadjcb is probably the most prominent example, but it comes up for a number of them. I've written about this before, but ethnic conflict theory by one player creates an equilibrium more favorable to ethnic conflict theory by other players. Lefty Twitter users asked Razib Khan why he attended Extradeadjcb's natalism conference; he replied by asking where the left-wing natalism conference was. That's probably still 20 years out.

[2] It's more complicated than this.

#politics #gendpol #Youtube #flagpost #quick post #kinda

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campbenji · 8 months ago

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*JWCT SPOILERS* very messy first thoughts

OH BOY here we go

-ben and darius's dynamic was epic. the hug. the roadtrip scenes. "is your friend okay?" "no 😊". ben getting darius out of his isolation cabin and darius grounding him in ep2. the parallels with s3ep7. "you kiss your mother with that mouth?" i'm gonna be thinking about that scene for days. their ship is still a swim to me but please they better keep whatever the fuck they have going on in s2 because it's fucking wonderful

-i love that they took the chance to give more light to duos we didn't see much in jwcc. teamups we didn't often see like ben and sammy, THE B-DUO, and darius and sammy got very special moments here

-the amount of pictures/videos from the six years in between??? the brooklynn flashbacks??? we were so well fed

-BRAND!!!!!! i got so happy when i heard him the first episode, he's clearly been checking on his brother and i'm glad he's ok

-bowman family FEAST. brand and darius talking over the phone. the pictures on the cabin. kenji saying he calls mrs. bowman once a week and all the nice things he said about her. the whole mess between kenji and darius. "we're brothers, right?" i died dead. i love this family your honor

-sammy. she's got so much going on and we desperately need to talk about it. i'm so worried about her, she's desperately trying to avoid confronting what happened with brooklynn, with yaz and her own trauma, and then they casually dropped on us that her family isn't speaking to her and never elaborated on that?? sammy, who's love and care for her family was her biggest motivation in jwcc?? i need to know what happened because it must've been big

-mateo!! i liked him a lot, he definitely doesn't want to get into any of this mess but still dabbles around a bit to help the kids, which i respect. also i hope we get to meet his daughter hiraya, she sounds really cool

-MS MICROBANGS (or the handler, or whatever name we're calling her). what is her deal. who is she working for. she's so uncanny, literally almost robotic i need to know more about her

-brookenji over i cheered. don't take this personally i've never been a fan of this ship and a part of me knew they weren't going to last long

-the animation increased in quality so much. the scene after ben, yaz and sammy get out of the sinking van is so well done it's so pretty to look at. and the t-rex with the explosion behind her? it reminds me so much of toro in the tunnels in s1ep8, and i haven't tested this out but i feel like if you put them one next to the other the improvement would be so noticeable.

-also related to the point above: that thing when a character's eyes start filling up with tears but they don't cry just yet? 10/10. chef's fucking kiss

-sure jwct has the same tv-y7 rating as jwcc, but from minute 1 it's obvious it's not the same audience they're talking to. it's not a big change in tone, like for example adventure time/distant lands/fionna and cake, but it's there, you can tell they know it's not little kids watching anymore

-BUMPY IS HAVING A BABY BUMPY IS A MOM NOW they had me shit scared for her and then they pulled a freaking egg my heart was literally pounding. anyways i hope they get both bumpy and the egg somewhere safe and that they name the new anky "speckles" (i've gotten so attached to that name in the last 24 hours it's insane)

-YASAMMY THE QUEENS THAT YOU ARE. their relationship was stellar this season, i was scared when i saw that they were apart but their issues felt organic to their relationship and i just love how they were written in the show, they are still so in love with each other and i can't wait to see where they go next season. they're everything to me

-yeah they were apart for half the season but. benji crumbs. the egg cradle scene. kenji helping ben after he got hit with the stun gun. basically all they did was act like they knew each other but idc. we are so back.

-the brooklynn reveal was... meh?? it could've been more rewarding if they waited until s2 to reveal she's still alive, but at least i hope they take their time before reuniting her with the rest of the camp fam. also i can't believe ppl even guessed what arm she was going to lose y'all have prophetic powers or smth

-bringing daniel back to kill him the same episode was an insane move btw. i would've normally complained but it's all worth it for causing the panic attack scene in ep7. kenji's reaction felt so genuine, i'm forever in awe at how well this show writes grief and trauma

-i'm so conflicted about darius's confession. i like dinostar, but i feel like it wasn't needed for darius to be in love with brooklynn to explain the voicemails and the way he was dealing with her death. she was one of his closest friends, his grief made sense even with them being platonic. on the other hand, i love how he admitted it to kenji and the fact they didn't turn it into a huge fight between them; also, "i didn't know i could even feel that way" aroace/acespec darius truthers never lose

-maybe it's just that i need to rewatch, but i'm lost as to where they're going next season?? i know they're getting on a boat but where does that go?? what are they trying to do?? there's so much happening my head is spinning

-ben... he kind of felt like the comic relief for most of the show, the first episodes showed him as being really paranoid again and struggling with being alone, but halfway through the season they just sort of forgot about it?? idk something was off

-bring back kenji's old latin spanish va idk who this guy is but that is not kenji i can't do this. i'll survive the loss of ryan potter but i won't survive this

anyways yeah i think those are most of my uncooked thoughts, overall i really liked the season, i can't believe we got to see the kids again this is still so unreal to me

#c rambles about jwcc #jwct #jwct spoilers #chaos theory spoilers #jurassic world chaos theory #chaos theory #camp cretaceous

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fiendishartist2 · 3 months ago

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im not fucking around anymore. here's the full "Paul is Care" essay i've been working on:

“Alright. So there's uh, nothing out here, as far as I've seen. But actually, I think there is something out here. I just haven't seen it yet.”

In Petscop, the story is told between the lines. When you feel like you have a grasp on it, a single colour or date throws off everything you’ve built up. That’s why I like to look at Petscop in another way; not as a series of events, but an exploration of a single character: Paul.

Some people like to map everything out in a single timeline; when did Care go missing, when did the family get the game, when did Lina and Mike die. I think that every interpretation of Petscop has its own value, because Petscop means something different to everyone who watches it. But, when I look at Petscop, I don’t just see a series of events wrapped up in the mystery of Care’s disappearance. I see a video game used as a device to explore and understand the connection between the past and the present. I see the ways in which Paul Leskowitz is Carrie Mark.

I know that to some that notion might seem crazy; the broader discussion of Petscop is different to the niche ones held by crazy people in the tags of a Tumblr post . Obviously, this theory is personally significant and I hold it very near and dear to my heart. But, I want to share this theory in a way that makes sense to the general audience of Petscop because I genuinely believe you guys are missing out! So, keep an open mind and enter my Petscop mind-palace…

“...were signs along the way. Um, that I ignored. Because it would have been a completely ridiculous idea to me. Um. But when I found my room, it made, uh, well, I was shocked at first, but it made sense, especially considering where I found the game in the first place, um, that it would be tied, in some way, to me through you. Um. And I'm trying to think, when was the last time I saw any of you at all? It had to have been in like, 1999. I was a kid, I was a small kid. Tiny kid. Um. And after that, just, you know. But, it would make sense in the timeline.” (Petscop 11)

A lot of Petscop theories surround the actual textual proof found in the videos, so that’s where I’ll start. There’s many instances where Paul makes the connection between himself and Care, but one moment continues to stick with me. In Petscop 11, Paul finally enters the house and takes a look around. He’s on the phone with someone, presumably Belle. Paul goes up to the calendars and starts talking about Care, “Yeah, on that topic... I don't remember meeting this girl at all. Um, I don't remember knowing her at any point (…) Um, and I remember you saying that we were, that we, we are, um, exactly the same age.” (Petscop 11). He points out that he and Care share the same birthday, down to the year. We get further confirmation of this in Petscop 14, when Paul’s conversation with Jill that he had on his own birthday is superimposed onto Care’s. The next part though, is what really gets the theory started, “I do agree there's a resemblance. Um. Very strong resemblance between us.” (Petscop 11).

Faces are incredibly important in Petscop. Marvin thought Care and Mike could be rebirthed into Lina because they had similar features, and Care had to be given Mike’s eyebrows specifically to change her room. So, for Paul and Care to have such similar facial features that someone else pointed out the resemblance is significant.

They also happen to share the name “Leskowitz”, which is both Anna and Lina’s last name. We know this because his Reddit account is “p_leskowitz”.

If he’s a Leskowitz, then that explains his complicated feelings towards “the family”. “The family” is a foreboding presence throughout Petscop. Their meddling isn’t outright malicious, but even Paul admits that he’s intimidated by them. And it makes sense, as “the family” (comprised of Anna and Jill) each have a major role in the core mystery of Petscop. Anna is the mother of Care and the wife of Marvin, while Jill is Marvin’s sister and the mother of both Rainer and Mike. To be a Leskowitz, Paul would need to be blood related to Anna or Lina in some way. Paul shows that he has this relation to the family in Petscop 22, when he’s talking to Belle about finding the windmill, “And, I don't th- and you don't have to worry about it, right, 'cause... 'cause you aren't, you aren't family, so you wouldn't... have a room, that's the thing.” (Petscop 22). In this context, Paul is asking Belle whether Jill has contacted her. When he tells her she doesn’t have a room, this is in reference to the Child Library explored in Petscop 3 and 7. This means that in order to be part of the Leskowitz-Mark family (and in our case, related to Care), you have to have a room in the Child Library, something both Paul and Care possess.

Paul being related to the family is also supported by his casual mention of meeting Rainer as a child, “‘Rainer’... I saw him at a birthday party once. All the older kids were down in the basement playing video games, to hide from everyone. He was down there, too. He was older than the rest of them, though.” (Petscop 11), and his confusion of not knowing Care, with the implication that if she was real, he would have met her through the family.

A rarely discussed aspect of Paul’s character is that he can’t tell his left from his right. When he’s doing the disc puzzle in Anna and Marvin’s room is Petscop 11, “Um, we can see what the room looks like in that recording, um, on the uh, right? ... Left? Left? Right ... side.” (Petscop 14) and before he even enters the house, “And, I mean, I still get confused about that. Because, I mean, well, I know it's always the top, but, um, I still have to think. I have to think.” (Petscop 11), we can clearly see that he has trouble with directions. In a similar fashion, Care is described as “dizzy”, most notably in the end credits of Petscop. She is also described as blind by Rainer in Petscop 17, “You were blind. At some point, your movements stopped making sense.” (Petscop 17). In the counsellor’s office, the counsellor says to Paul, “Are you right handed, or left handed? You don't know? Really?” (Petscop 22). I’ll get more into it later, but this sequence is presumably a real conversation that the game is recreating. If this scene is taken from Care’s real childhood, then it confirms that she also had problems with her lefts and rights.

Now, this is the base level of the theory. It’s easy to figure out that Paul is a Leskowitz, he literally calls them “the family”. And while I think the bits about faces and birthdays and directions are significant to this theory, I wanted to get all of the textual evidence out of the way so that I could get into the fun part of this essay: the subtext.

”Some things you can't rewrite.” (Petscop 14)

Petscop is nothing if not a collection of symbols and metaphors. Ask me what Petscop is all about on any given day and there’s a non-zero chance I will start explaining why the car is orange. While it is necessary to analyse Petscop as a real series of events, I think that another approach can be taken; what if we analysed Petscop as a series of events that are happening to Paul specifically? That the game is creating meaning by placing Paul specifically in these snippets of the past. By looking at each moment as “Why did the game make Paul do this?” instead of “What is happening in the game?”, we can see everything through a new lens.

First, I want to discuss colour. Colour plays a huge role in Petscop; almost every character is assigned their own colour. This is most often used to denote who is speaking in text, but it’s also used for other things like the tool. You are probably aware that Care’s colour is yellow, as all of her text is yellow. What you might not know is that Paul’s colour is red. Paul has exactly one instance in all of Petscop where he has coloured text and that is in Petscop 22, when he gives the counsellor his name. The calendars in the house are also colour coded, as the one showing 2017 is red.

One of my favourite moments in all of Petscop uses colour in a way that supports this theory perfectly. When Paul takes Care out of the rebirthing machine, she has been transformed into an Easter egg. A red and yellow striped Easter egg. I will get into this egg later on, but for now, I want to point out how Paul and Care’s colours have been used here. Of course, it’s significant just that they've been put together, but it's more than that. Care’s final form, the egg she has been placed in to keep her safe from all of the trauma she has suffered, that she will spend the rest of the series in, is painted a combination of her and Paul’s colours. In the same sequence, when Paul is playing the Needles Piano for Care B, the “wrong” notes he plays to turn her into the Easter Egg are all red. There’s a joke about eggs and transness in here somewhere.

Right after Care’s rebirth into the egg, Paul places her in the locker with the purple egg and the “new life” letter. If we abide by the established colour theory, this second egg would be Belle’s/Tiara’s egg. By putting them together, alongside the letter, it symbolises Care and Belle’s transfer to Lina’s care; this can also be supported by the ending of Petscop. In the final scene of the soundtrack, Belle recounts when she and Paul were adopted, “There is Boss waiting for her son. Pall do you remember being born. Smuggled away driving to your new house. Boss in driver seat me in back.” (Petscop Soundtrack). “Do you remember being born” is a question posed over and over again throughout Petscop. It’s meant to be a reference to rebirthing, but here it’s Paul being asked if he remembers being born, not Care; you can also connect this to the “new life” letter, making it apparent Belle is asking if he remembers when he was given his “new life” with her and “Boss”. There’s also the implication of the wording “smuggled away”, implying that there was something stopping Paul from being taken to his new home. Paul and Care’s final scenes parallel each other; Care is placed with Belle’s/Tiara’s egg with the “new life” letter, while Paul is taken back to “Boss” by Belle. Care and Paul are both asked if they “remember being born”.

Another, smaller piece of colour theory in Petscop comes from the board games in the counsellor’s office. The board game “Accident” features red and yellow puzzle pieces that fit together, but are broken apart. Remember that Care’s colour is yellow, so assume that she symbolises the yellow piece; Paul’s colour is red, so assume that he symbolises the red piece. The red piece is bigger and fits into the smaller yellow piece, like it’s missing the beginning of it. The yellow piece comes before the red piece, as if it adds context to the red piece. When we think of this in terms of Care and Paul, we can see that Care is the “missing piece” of Paul; the small part of his past that adds the context that completes him. Paul’s piece is bigger because he’s been Paul for so much longer (if we interpret the counsellor’s office as a real event the way it is shown, then that could be the moment he changed. Or, if we consider Care’s rebirth into the egg as the moment Care turned into Paul, then that would be the moment instead), meanwhile Care’s piece is small because she was only a small part of his life.

Taking colour into account, we can get into the meat of the symbolism in Petscop. When we view the events of Petscop through our new lens, many things become significant. Paul is placed in the role of Care many times throughout the series; on Care’s birthday, in the counsellor's office, and in Rainer’s “you are Carrie Mark” monologue.

During the “strange situation” birthday scene, Paul carries around a yellow balloon, symbolising that he is standing in for Care. This is further cemented by Anna’s dialogue addressing Paul as if he is Care on the day she came home, “You made it. Happy birthday! (...) Why are you covering your face? (...) Of course I recognize you. Those eyes. That nose. That’s still you.” (Petscop 14).

This next dialogue from Anna is particularly interesting to me; she doesn’t just tell Paul that she’s happy Care is home safe or ask him where she’s been, but instead she says this, “I sure hope you’ve realised by now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve changed. You aren’t lost. Stop wandering and come home.” (Petscop 14). When we talk about Petscop, we have the urge to deny any supernatural involvement in the story. Whether through AI or predictive programming or alternate timelines, we want Petscop to be plausible. Understandable. Easy to digest. But, we often forget that Paul poses the question of a literal “ghost in the machine” in the first few episodes. I want to consider this quote– Anna talking to her child who has been “lost” for many years– as an act of this ghost. The game is talking back to Paul, telling him that no matter how much he has changed, he still has the same eyes, the same nose that made him Carrie Mark. And we know how important eyes and noses are in Petscop. Also as a side note, consider how Anna didn’t specify eyebrows; we know that Care’s lack of eyebrows is in some way due to Marvin, but when she tells Paul she recognises his eyes and nose, she doesn’t add on eyebrows. Paul said it himself in Petscop 7, “Um, and why am I doing that? Well, because eyebrows seem to be important.” (Petscop 7). I like to think that she couldn’t have said that Paul has the same eyebrows because, since Marvin isn’t in the picture anymore, he wouldn’t have any reason to pluck them.

Another scene that mixes up Paul and Care is the counsellor's office. When Paul finally enters the “girl wall” in Petscop 22, he is placed into a school’s counsellor’s office. Again, they talk to Paul as if he is Care, apologising for taking him out of class and saying he needs to “catch up”, implying that he’s missed a significant amount of school. As they start to play Graverobber (Jesus Christ, Rainer), the counsellor is confused about Paul’s name; they ask him if they have the wrong name written down, as his save file is currently “Strange Situation” and when they called out the name on file, Paul didn’t respond. Now, the connection here is a little more nuanced, but it still comes to a conclusion that I think greatly supports the theory. “Strange situation” is in reference to the Mary Ainsworth Strange Situation Experiment, a test in which an infant is deliberately separated from their mother to test their level of attachment. This is a very base level understanding of this concept, but when applied to this specific scene, it becomes apparent that this “strange situation” is another reference to Care. Care was separated from her mother for about half a year, only returning during the birthday party scene; the counsellor’s scene was accessible once Paul started using the “Strange Situation” file. Care stopped recognising the name she used before the seperation, considering herself to be “Strange Situation” instead. She has literally stopped recognising the name Care, and picks out her own name (which in the game Paul sets to his own).

Also consider the implication of the “girl wall”. At first, it’s an absurd joke, meant to lighten the mood using the same roundabout humour the rest of the series has. But, the counsellor asking if they have the wrong name, listing Paul as “Strange Situation” instead of his name, combined with the fact that when Paul is placed in front of the girl wall, he can’t walk away from it, it becomes a bit of an analogy; The game keeps forcefully showing Paul the word “GiRL” over and over and when he finally enters the “girl-world” as Strange Situation, he is called the wrong name and once again placed in Care’s shoes.

Let’s revisit the “ghost in the machine” idea. In Petscop 17, we are shown a past recording of Petscop; we never find out who was playing at this time, but it’s easy to assume Paul is the one watching the recording. The footage is less interesting than the dialogue, but it is notable that it’s a recording of the player running backwards in a very deliberate pattern. The actually relevant part of this sequence is Rainer’s monologue; in particular, the way he frames it, “You are a girl named Carrie Mark, and you were born on November 12th, 1992. You have a mommy named Anna, a daddy named Marvin, an auntie named Jill, an uncle named Thomas, a cousin named Daniel, ......I know what you must be thinking. Have these statements always been true? Or have I cursed you? Is there such a thing? A curse that changes your past?” (Petscop 17). There’s something about the forcefulness of this dialogue, “You are Carrie Mark,” as if Rainer is trying to make it so just by saying it. The inclusion of the birthday is also notable; we have been shown time and time again that Paul and Care share a birthday, and that this is an important part of both of their characters. So, when Rainer asks if these statements have always been true, or if it’s “a curse that changes your past”, we’re meant to interpret it as such: some of the statements are true, but the “you” being addressed is not currently “a girl named Carrie Mark”. Rainer casts a spell to make the player retrace their steps and although he might not be playing, the use of the word “you” and present tense language makes the statement pointed towards Paul. There’s something to be said about Rainer’s position in all of this; he isn’t the only tangible “ghost” in Petscop (Marvin and Tiara fit Paul’s definition established in Petscop 6), but he’s the only one to be fully dead. It truly feels, in this moment, like Petscop– like Rainer– is talking directly to Paul. The “curse that changes your past” is the part that ties it all together. This past that Paul doesn’t fully remember, where Anna and Marvin have a daughter named Care, where someone in his family went missing for months– by learning about this through the game, Rainer is essentially changing Paul’s version of the past. Your memory and physical evidence are all you have of the past; when your memory tells you one thing, but physical evidence tells you another, what version of your past is true?

“You’re the Newmaker. You can turn Care NLM into Care A, and close the loop.” (Petscop 9)

Finally, I want to explain why this theory is supportive of the themes of Petscop. Of course, there’s the obvious link between rebirth and the change from Care to Paul. But, there’s also themes of blood family versus chosen family, breaking the cycle of abuse, and of healing from your past. I want to provide an explanation of each of these themes and how the “Paul is Care” theory fits into them.

Let’s begin with the family point, since I already expanded on the family’s role in Petscop earlier. There’s a story behind the scenes in this series; the conflict between the chosen family versus the blood family. Anna and Jill against Belle and Lina. Anna and Jill are restrictive– they take over the channel and block certain things from the audience. Paul admits that he’s intimidated by them, and he’s concerned when he thinks Jill could be in contact with Belle. When we get the only dialogue from Jill, Paul is hostile and aggressive with her, something we don’t see from him otherwise. Alternately, Anna comes off as dismissive in most of her dialogue; when Care shows up at the birthday party, Anna treats her like no time has passed, like they haven’t been searching for her for months. We don’t get direct contact between Anna and Paul (except for a phone call in Petscop 11 that you could interpret as being with Anna), but the way she talks to the player through Care during the birthday party is still dismissive, “I sure hope you’ve realised by now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve changed. You aren’t lost. Stop wandering and come home.” (Petscop 14). There’s a level of distance between Paul and the family, which is evident from the name alone; Paul identifies himself as part of the family, but he still calls them “the family” as opposed to “my family”. When you pair that with the fact that he calls them all by their first names instead of any term of endearment (like how Rainer calls her “Auntie Jill” in his spell), it paints a clear picture: Paul does not want to be part of this family.

In direct contrast, Belle is shown a significant amount of affection from Paul. Not only is he on the phone with her for a good handful of the episodes, but Belle also has a familial connection to Paul. In Petscop 2, Paul is talking to Belle and he says “When you come home next month, and uh, hopefully you're feeling a little more enthusiastic about that now, we can investigate this together, and maybe you'll find stuff that I can't find here.” (Petscop 2). I think the casual use of the word ‘home’ to describe where Belle is staying implies a certain closeness, maybe even that they live in the same household. That’s not the part of this line that is important to me, however. Take a look at Belle’s final speech at the end of Petscop; Belle says “I could not wait too be your friend,” and Paul responds, “Family”, to which Belle says, “We can investigate this together.” (Petscop Soundtrack). After distancing himself from the family, as well as directly telling her she’s not part of the family (following it up with “Uhh... I didn't- I didn't mean it that way,” (Petscop 22), implying they have a similar connection that she’s defending), Paul calls Belle family. She states that they’re friends and Paul corrects her by telling her that they’re not just friends, but family. The most gut wrenching part of this dialogue is the use of ‘we can investigate this together’. It’s like a ward, a promise that Belle is making to Paul. He doesn’t have to go through this alone, she’s promising to be there for him. She’s going to investigate this with him, like he asked her to in the second episode. Paul doesn’t call his blood relatives family, but he tells Belle that they are his family; her and the “Boss”.

How does this connect to Care? It’s not hard evidence, but when you take this theme of family into account, it makes more sense for Paul to have a strained relationship with the family if we apply Care’s story to him. Think about it; Paul was ‘smuggled away driving too [his] new house’ and he hasn’t seen the family since he was a child, and Care’s egg was (metaphorically) placed with Belle’s and the New Life Letter when she would have been around 5, since that’s the age she was when she was kidnapped. Care went through an extremely traumatic event in a toxic environment– why wouldn’t someone step in and take her out of that family? To me, this theory extends the same closure Paul gets at the end of Petscop to Care; it tells us that even after everything she went through, she finds people who love and take care of her.

Abuse is a huge focus in Petscop, both as a plot point and a major theme. Rainer’s main motivation is to expose Marvin’s abuse of both Mike and Care to the family– whether or not that’s successful is not important. Because years after Rainer’s attempt, Paul is back doing the exact same; although, his playthrough of Petscop is less of an expose and more of an attempt at solving the mystery. Now, I think it’s a little pedantic, but in this context, I think the “cycle of abuse” in Petscop refers less to a generational cycle, but a continuous cycle that happens every time Petscop is played. Care is stuck in this version of the past that Rainer has created, forced to live through it as many years as Petscop is left on. Paul doesn’t continue this cycle though; as far as we know, Paul is the only person to reach the good ending of the game, where he’s rebirthed Care into the egg and reconnected with Belle and ‘Boss’. Paul is the only person who could understand what Care needed, because it’s exactly what he needed.

Care’s trauma is replayed for us throughout Petscop. Every knowable aspect of it is shown, leaving behind a raw feeling; like somehow, Paul and Rainer have made a spectacle of her abuse. But, I don’t think that’s entirely true. Rainer, although he is bitter and vengeful, is ultimately the person who finds the truth about Care and Mike and (if we are to believe him) is also the one who found Care at the school. In the beginning, it’s obvious that Paul is playing the game to see the mystery and is slowly engulfed by it throughout the rest of the series. When the game tells him that, “Marvin picks up tool hurts me when playstation on,” (Petscop 3), Paul proceeds anyway. The same happens when Care is caught in her room; Paul sees what is obviously a child being kidnapped and continues to solve the puzzle anyway. He picks the flower, catching Care NLM, and leads Marvin to the house. Paul follows through on everything he can to ‘solve’ the mystery of Carrie Mark, but in the end, he defies what the game has told him to do and saves Care. He does what Rainer couldn’t do: he breaks the cycle of abuse in the Mark-Leskowitz family. It’s kind of poetic, the idea that the person Care grew to be is the same person who confronts and lays to rest her trauma. The fact that playing his own theme would be the key to changing Care into the egg (a symbol of birth and potential) is beautiful.

The last thing I want to talk about is the theme of healing. This concept is more nebulous; we don’t see much of Paul post-Petscop, but the final scene does always leave me feeling hopeful for him. I think the reconnection with Belle and ‘Boss’, alongside the reassurance that, “[they] can investigate this together,” shows that Paul is out of the mindset and environment Petscop put him in. I’ve always thought that throughout Petscop, we see a deterioration of Paul; in the beginning, he’s intrigued and confused, but we see him become more and more disturbed, irritable, and frustrated towards the end. This is first evident with the CD puzzle in the house, where Paul is so out of his depth and confused that he stops acting with the same calm rationality shown throughout the earlier episodes. Then, when Paul is messing about with the demo recordings, he stops speaking in the videos entirely. When Paul sees the final blacked out object, which are coordinates to the real life windmill, he is the most stuttery we’ve ever seen, “Hm. Y- y- yep, yep. Yep... yep. N- we would- we would have to find out how big... like, we'd have to find out how big a tile is..? One of the tiles..? Like, if we could- if we could figure out how big... one tile is, in... u- in, umm... Like, feet. Or... Uhh, yeah. Meters.” (Petscop 22). He’s frazzled and excited and a little bit scared, evidenced by how he talks about the family, “They didn't... I don't like talking to them. They intimidate me…” (Petscop 22). All of this changes by the end; Paul is no longer stuck playing the game and he’s free to return to the people who love him most. This freedom is summed up in a single image: the final one we see in Petscop. Paul’s chair is empty and the blue sky beyond the desk is brimming with hope.

All this to say, Paul choosing Belle and ‘Boss’ over the game as well as saving Care by doing what’s best for her instead of finishing the final puzzle, alongside his final scene where he is welcomed home by his real family, shows us an interpretation of Petscop that paints it not as a tragedy, but a story of chosen family, breaking the cycle of abuse, and healing trauma through connection.

Thank you so much for hearing me out.

Bye-bye!

#its been done for ever i just never got around to posting it #i went through and edited it to bw more coherent tho bc this was written in the middle of a petscop fervor lol #petscop #paul leskowitz #carrie mark #im not tagging everyone #essay #petscop theory #i love you paul is care theory forever and ever #its long so you may wanna read in multiple sittings #like 10 pages long ToT #sorry not sorry #lmk if i actually made sense or if im crazy pls i want to know if this is even understandable to ppl who arent me #this was actually originally written as a video essay but idk if ill ever make it

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littlexscarletxwitch · 1 year ago

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── ༊*·˚⋆ 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝘆

paring: florence pugh x fem!reader

tag(s): fluff, this was based on a true story, not the flo part but the baby fever part lol, establish relationship, baby talk, flo self doubting, r babbling but like in a cute type of way (?), also billie's mention :)

warning(s): idk is wanting to have kids a warning (lol), baby talk (?), grammatical error, unedited

word count: 1.3k

note: You wanna know what's crazy? I'm not sure if I want to be a mother, but like the baby fever sometimes kicks in, specially since I have two little brothers and I'm like a second mother to them (they actually have told me so). But I don't know... Anyway, I'm not native english speaker, so please let me know about any sort of mistake. Hope you all enjoy! Lots of love, M <3

requests are open! + check my rules here + masterlist <3

You remembered when all those new feelings had started: you were sitting across from her, getting lost in her forest green eyes, you didn't feel someone nudging your leg until that said someone screamed out at you.

"Jesus, you scared me," you smiled at the little toddler as you heard Florence's chuckle.

The little girl, who seemed to be only two years old, babbled some incomprehensible words at you. She only got cutter as you watched her face shift into a stern look. It appeared as she was trying to tell you something quite important.

"Oh, yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it," you played along, accepting what you thought was an apology.

"Are you lost, little missy?" Florence said, getting her attention.

The toddler just looked at her and broke into laughter, which caused Florence to smile at her.

"What's so funny about me, huh? she playfully asked her, and the two year old just laughed even harder.

"I think it's your voice," you chucked.

"My voice is not funny," she pretended to be hurt, her hand clutching her chest.

"Well, it is to her," you couldn't hold your own laughter anymore as the tiny human kept on laughing.

“Oh, my God. She’s laughing at my voice.”

“Oh, thank goddess. You scared me to death, Charlie,” a young blonde woman said, getting closer to your table, and bringing the little girl to her chest once she was close enough. “I’m so sorry, she’s just learned how to walk and she likes it,” the woman joked.

“It’s okay, no problem, we were just chatting,” Florence reassured her with a smile.

As if wanting to be part of the conversation Charlie bubbled out some words.

“She’s so cute,” you scrunched your nose at her, making her laugh.

“Okay, say goodbye, Charlie,” Charlie’s mum moved her little hand around, waving at the two of you, as Charlie mumbled what you thought was a goodbye.

“Bye, Charlie,” the both of you said, smiling at the two year old.

[...]

Ever since that night you hadn’t stopped thinking about Charlie. Well, not Charlie actually, that would be creepy, but the idea of kids. Florence looked so happy the few seconds she shared with Charlie, you felt like your heart could jump out of your chest just by thinking of that night.

You had never thought about kids before that, sure, sometimes, but it was more like a second thought, like something far away from your reach, unlikely to ever happen. And after that night it became your only thought.

You found yourself watching TikToks about babies doing baby stuff, or maybe when taking a walk your eyes would linger on those couples pushing a trolley. Sometimes you would even look online for baby clothes and every time you couldn't help but to think it was the cutest thing ever. It also didn’t help the fact that your hormones would kick in and they would intensify all these feelings up to a hundred.

Florence, of course, didn’t notice how much you wanted a baby until you started to show her every baby picture you could find, every video you had watched, every kid you pointed out when the two of you went out on dates. So she started counting all the times you brought up that subject, by the third week she had lost count.

Now, there you were, lying on the couch, with your phone on your hand, scrolling down TikTok, watching videos of babies. She found it cute, fun even, because you wouldn't dare to actually spill the words out, too scared of what she would say.

“Y/n, baby, is everything okay?” she broke the silence, taking a seat next to you.

“Yeah, I’m just on those days,” you mumbled.

Which was true, but it wasn’t the whole truth. You had craved a baby before, during and long after your period. It didn’t matter, it was a thought that would cross your mind all the time, nonstop.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want me to get you something?”

You nodded, “It’s just the hormones. You know how it is, the moodswing,” you chuckled.

“Are you watching those baby videos again?” she raised a brow at you, there was a tint of smug in her tone.

“Yeah…” you frowned. “Why?”

“Nothing, it’s just that you are always watching those,” she teased, wanting for you to finally come clean.

“I am?” you asked, pretending to be unaware of that fact.

“Yes, missy,” she smiled at you.

‘Missy’, it only reminded you of Charlie and it made the whole thing even worse.

You huffed, “I guess I didn’t notice.”

“Y/n, is there something you want to talk about?”

“What’s there to talk about?” she could tell you were frustrated.

“Well, I’m not sure but—.”

“What's there to talk about, huh?” there was not a trace of anger in your words, it felt more like sadness. “That I would like a mini you running around the house, chasing after Billie?” the dog raised her head, thinking you had called out to her. “Because yes I would love that.”

“Y/n, I—,” her smug attitude dropped to the floor as she realised that there was no turning back now.

“I can’t stop thinking about Charlie, how soft and careful you were with her. You were on cloud nine, Flo, I could tell,” you sniffed, battling the tears. “And I want that… I want that for you and me, for us.”

“I understand, honey. I can see how much you want that,” she caressed your cheek. “But I’m not—.”

“No, please don’t say ‘but’. I can take a ‘maybe’, just not a ‘but’,” you eyes were filled with tears and Florence felt like her heart was going to break any second now. She hated to be the reason why you were crying.

“No, no, no, it’s not that I don’t want that. I do, I just don't want to be that kind of parent who’s always working, I don’t want to miss their first steps, their first words, I want to be there for them every step of the way,” she breathed out, as if she had been holding back for weeks.

Which she actually had. Ever since she added two plus two and realised you actually wanted a baby, all these self doubt and anxiety and worry got a hold on her.

“Flo, please, I know we can make it work. I won’t let that happen, I promise. You are not getting out of this whole motherhood thing,” you joked, making her chuckled. “Besides, you had Charlie giggling and all happy, I think you got this.”

“Charlie was with us for like three minutes at most,” Florence, playfully, rolled her eyes at you.

“Okay, you are right. But I know in my heart that you are going to be a great momma,” you grabbed her hands, taking them to your lips to kiss them.

“Y/n…”

“I get it, Flor. It’s scary, we are talking about an actual human being—.”

“Y/n…”

“But if anyone can do this, then it’s us—.”

“Y/n…”

“We could watch some films, or maybe read some books. I bet my mum still has that book about being a first time mother—”.

“Y/n…”

“We can even take some classes, they teach you everything nowadays and—”.

“Y/n!” this time Florence shook your shoulders trying to get your attention.

“Will you at least think about it? I know it’s a big decision and—”.

“Will you please let me talk?” she said with a tint of amusement.

“Right, sorry,” you smiled.

“You had me at ‘You are not getting out of this whole motherhood thing’,” she smiled back.

“Does that mean…?” you left the question in the air, waiting for her to say it.

“Yeah, let’s make a baby. Shall we?” she asked, a grin formed on her face before she pecked your lips.

“Oh, my god!” you couldn't hold back your smile anymore. “Yes! Yes, we shall,” you threw yourself at her, leaving kisses all over her face.

“Okay, then let’s get down to business,” she said in between chuckles.

“Oh, you mean right now?”

“I thought you… I mean… if you don’t want to then—,” she was about to get up from the couch.

“No!,” you yelled, making her laugh. “Come back here, you twat.”

Likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated! <3

-M

#florence pugh #florence pugh x reader #florence pugh x fem reader #florence pugh imagine #florence pugh fluff #littlexscarletxwitch's fic

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igglemouse · 1 month ago

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The symptoms are hitting hard this morning as you can see and it is very difficult to make it to the restroom when you have to walk as slowly as possible. I worry for a moment that I might not make it but don't worry I get there just in time.

But my morning is the usual, changing diapers and keeping her squeaky clean. Which isn't easy since it sometimes feels like she does whatever she can to avoid being clean. At least this morning she waited until six a.m. to cry for attention!

Pascal's morning is also the usual, for him at least. Beating up that poor treadmill again. This man is really dedicated to his fitness and it's so admirable that I'm happy to let him be in the mornings.

So I feel like the sooner I bring it up, the better. It makes little sense holding it back from him since he'll figure it out eventually. I expect he'll be happy just based on the last time we talked about children, so there isn't any pressure about it this time. I think I'll just bring it up over breakfast actually. Yeah, that is the plan!

So that's exactly what happens. We finish an apple salad and before Pascal can get up and likely go train or work out again I keep him at the table with a simple sentence. "Looks like Flora will be having a little brother or sister."

It takes him a few seconds to either parse what I mean OR come to grips with it. "You're pregnant?" I give my head a little nod and watch as a smile spreads across his face. "Wow!"

"Would it be biased if I hope it is a boy?" He says and I quickly shake my head.

"Nope! I'd be happy with a boy too, keep things even, I guess," and maybe would get him more involved? Although, I will say, he has stepped up a little. Not a lot but...a little is better than nothing.

While I'll soon be a mother of two I am also still very much a Simtube content creator and I must make sure that to keep the momentum going for my channel and so it's time to record a new video.

This one will teach anyone how to make quick and chewy blueberry bagels. A nice desert to go along with a main dish to be sure and I think easy enough for anyone to bake! I will admit that my baking skills are not the best buuuuuuuuuut I think I am proud of the end result!

Thankfully Flora slept right through the recording of my video but you know right after it I had to go and check on her and play with her and give her a little tummy time. I think she does pretty well although she definitely throws a tantrum in the middle of it.

But if you recall I had planned on inviting both Sara and Marjorie over to meet Flora and well...because of previous events I'd like to move past it is only Sara who comes.

She does arrive with a bit of a frown on her face and I'm sure I'll find out why she's in such a sour mood but first to invite her inside and more importantly, introduce her to Flora!

And so I have to go and pull Flora from her crib and bring her to Sara who lights up at the sight of her. Whatever frown she had on her face instantly melts away and she can't wait to hold her.

"Florencia is her full name," I say to Sara as she coos and snuggles Flora who is being very well behaved right now! "She seems to only be fussy with me!"

"Well of course because she knows you'll listen to every little demand she has!"

"Having the strong urge to have your own yet?" I joke but I can tell saying that hit the wrong nerve. "Sara, I didn't mean-"

"No, it's fine, I want to but...can we talk about it a little later?"

"Of course!"

It was then that Flora decided she had enough of introductions and started to cry.

"Ok ok Flora, we get it, we get it!," I say taking her back and letting Sara know she's free to hang around but I have to get her to sleep.

Sara was exploring the house a bit since its actually her first time here and in the end I find her seated right before my tempting blueberry bagels. I'm guessing she would have taken one but she looks like she has a lot on her mind right now. "This place is...really nice," she says, at least in a much better mood than when she arrived.

"Isn't it? Still very empty but we'll fill it day by day, I hope."

"It's a lot of space to fill but it's also not too much, if that makes sense?" She is right. It's not exactly a mansion but it's big enough to be impressive.

"So..." I start, curious about what has Sara all sour right now. "Is everything okay?"

"It's the guy, you know the one I'm dating?" she reveals but all I can do is nod my head because I actually do not know the guy she's dating. She has kept his identity as vague as possible, not on purpose, I think, but he remains a mystery to me all the same. "He's umm, well, let's just say his occupation isn't clean."

"Clean?" I urge, needing a bit more.

"He works for the cartel...I think."

"Oh," well, that's no good. You all know i have an extensive relationship with the cartel but Sara does not know that. All she knows is that I'm an immigrant. "Sara, who exactly are you-"

"Well, that's not the problem," she says, as if there could be something bigger than that. "He apparently has a bit of a promotion on the table and thinks he should take it."

"A promotion in that world usually means more simoleons and more of a chance of also getting killed," I tell her honestly. "Sara, who is this guy?"

"My boyfriend?" she says, which is obvious. I know that but how do I get more information out of her about him?

"Sara, I've known a few cartel guys from...well, they basically ran the town I came from. Maybe I know about him and can better prepare you for-?"

"Simón," she says and at that moment my heart drops.

There is only one Simón that I know and I do not think there could be another especially tied to the cartel. Maybe there is, it's not that uncommon of a name after all, but before I can ask for his last name she's moved on, perhaps sensing that I wasn't into the conversation so somehow she's talking about Flora again.

"She really is adorable isn't she? You know it was dangerous coming over here I might get the fever myself!"

"O-oh uh yeah, yeah," I say, regaining my balance. She's very possibly dating Simón, my Simón. "Oh umm, by the way, I'm pregnant again," I announce for whatever reason. Perhaps because I was not sure what else to say or do in the moment.

Well, that will certainly be awkward if she introduces me to him. I would tell her that I know him but I'm only 90% sure that she's talking about the same guy...maybe, hopefully, she is not.

Frida Varela - Next Episode 10.4

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thatsdemko · 2 years ago

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want one? -c.pulisic

pairing: Christian pulisic x fem!reader

warnings: fluff + baby fever + minor errors

a/n: since my last Christian work got shadowbanned I hope this one doesn’t 🤞🏻inspired by this video

Avery crawls across the floor, Christian sits on the other end patting the carpet cheering words of encouragement for the seven month old.

“come on, Avery! come see uncle Chris.” his mouth hasn’t left a smile since you arrived to Florida a couple hours ago. the second you got to his sisters house your boyfriend has not left his nieces side. needless to say, he’s obsessed with her, and how could one not be? her rolls, eyes, and smile were just all too precious it was easy to get wrapped around her finger.

“good girl!” Christian cheers watching her plop into his lap, he holds one of her toys in his hands, and her little fingers are reaching up trying to bring it to her mouth.

“I can’t believe how big she’s gotten.” you turn to devyn, the most gorgeous mother and Christian’s sister. she nods in agreement watching her big brother play peek a boo with her daughter. the giggles of them both echo around the house.

“they grow up so fast, before you know it she’s kicking a soccer ball around.” devyn chuckles watching Christian’s ears perk up, he picks his head up from the infant, a big happy smile.

“she’s going to play soccer?” he breathed out, almost ready to choke up. he was sure Avery would get into horses considering it was his sisters thing, but never once did he doubt she’d introduce her to the first love of his life— the game of footy.

“you act surprised! she’s got some pulisic genes in her, I’m sure she’ll be just as good as her uncle.” Devyn watches him pick up Avery pressing soft kisses against her skin and he mumbles some words you both can’t make out.

“maybe even better.” you chuckle saying it to just her. you can’t help but feel a certain way watching Christian interact with Avery. he’s always spoiled the little one from across the seas, but being in person with him and her is different. he’s so in love and wrapped around her finger you can’t help but imagine how he would be with one of his own.

“thinking about one?” she whispers, shoulder bumping into yours snapping you from your thoughts. you almost can’t help, but blush a little nodding. you’ve been with christian for a long enough time that children and marriage came up a lot, but the timing was never right. now seeing him with kids, maybe the best time was now.

“can’t help but think about it.” you sigh sinking further into the couch cushions allowing your ovaries to go into overdrive watching him lay on his stomach, feet kicking in the air watching the little girl play with her interactive toy.

“I know he wants one with you, it’s all he ever talks about to me now.” she gets up from the couch as Avery began to fuss a little. she goes off taking her daughter into another room leaving you both in the living room. in some way, you think the little girl knows there’s an important conversation needing to be held.

“she’s so freaking cute, y/n.” he moves to sit next to you, hand resting on your thigh, “I want one.” he whispers carefully watching your response. he knows what you’re about to say, he knows it’s not the right time, and he’s willing to wait. you’re the only one he wants to carry his children.

“I know, me too.” you whisper resting your head against his shoulder, “when can we start?” your words catch him by surprise. you hear his breath hitch a little watching him shift against you.

“y/n, be serious with me.” he says, you sit up off of him giving him a look that he knows you’re being for real. he laughs nervously half unexpectedly because he wasn’t expecting that response, “now? you want to start now?”

“whenever you’re ready, pulisic we can start.”

#christian pulisic imagine #christian pulisic blurb #christian pulisic #christian pulisic fanfic #christian pulisic one shot #christian pulisic smut #christian pulisic x reader #christian pulisic x you #christian pulisic fluff #football fic #football imagine #football blurb #football imagines #football oneshot #football one shot #football blurbs #football smut #chelsea fc

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dropthedemiurge · 1 year ago

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Love for Love's Sake | Things You Didn't Notice #9

(okay it's not an episode number this time i just still have many details to point out oops pls let me go)

I swear. I thought I'd stop mentioning small details because I already wrote like 10 posts on Tumblr translating and explaining all the cultural stuff regarding this show and the obsession is already becoming embarrassing, but I rewatched the last episodes again and I've got tiny. Little. Details. That I can't help but point people to once again. Because damn, the amount of thought put into this show!

(trigger warning: first part talks about suicide and depression, next ones are linguistic and cultural)

The Black Suit & The Sea

I would've asked Koreans I know about the significance of such symbolism but they are celebrating Seollal (New Year) today and I don't wanna ruin the festive mood asking about "how would people dress for suicide" x)

But after watching this scene, I recognized some strong parallels in Korean media depicting depression, suicide and one's decision to end their life. One of it is bridges and jumping (if you don't know what Bridge of Life is, ask me and I'll share, so this post wouldn't become too long) but another one is sea.

My interpretation - Koreans wear black suits to funerals, so if someone is headed to the sea in a black suit, it might mean this is the character's attempt to "have" their own funeral before finally ending their life. Why do I think this combination is somehow significant?

Because I remembered a music video one of K-pop artists I like (Kim Hanbin) made, after he experienced the downfall of career, extreme hate and rejection from the public, and severe depression. His whole album Waterfall tells Hanbin's personal story, dark thoughts and his battle to survive during the time when he was gone for 2 years, but in the music video for this album (illa illa) he is seen emerging from the sea in a black suit – metaphorically regaining his music and, most importantly, desire to live. Watch with lyrics!

youtube

If we think, this is how you depict suicidal thoughts/attempt in Korean media (of course, Love for Love's Sake was even more blunt in telling us the meaning), then Myungha wearing black suit wasn't just for the pretty or dramatic picture. More than that, we see him wearing the black suit for the whole last evening – especially when he goes to finally meet his mother.

Which tells us Myungha has already decided to disappear from this world, and was determined to do it on that day, and his mother rejecting him and pretending she doesn't know her son might not have been just the last straw... but it definitely could've been Myungha's last attempt to find anything in his life worth staying for, worth not going through with his plan.

Anyway, what a scary but beautiful symbolism.

Let's talk about something happier! More heartwarming!

Do you remember when we talked about the carefully placed movie posters in previous episodes? I payed more attention to the background this time when in Episode 8 Yeowoon ran to the cinema searching for Myungha in his world. And what an amazing discovery! When Myungha starts existing again and calls Yeowoon, the movie poster behind Yeowoon says "Guardian" (보호자).

And I already said in another post that Myungha in previous episodes admitted himself being Yeowoon's "guardian, protector" in the exact same word. But now this word is shown next to Yeowoon! As Yeowoon is the one who changed the main mission and has now declared himself Myungha's guardian and protector and will do his best to make him (his favourite pereson/bias/blorbo) happy. They have now both become guardians for each other. This. Goddamn. Show.

And I also want to shout out the VFX & Production team for this show – all the visual effects are very down to earth, gentle and not over the top but enhancing the series to the max. Like, maybe you wondered where on the screen does it say "Monday, August 14" and "Saturday, August 12"? Well, as expected, you see it on four monitor screens above the box office – the date, the ongoing movies (yep, still our favourite two fake movies) and available dates etc.

But when Yeowoon and Myungha agree to meet each other in the exact system time, they are facing each other without a barrier, and the screens are now counting down the time until the Game End. Instead of normally showing movies, like in the previous shot, it says "Time remaining: 3 hours, 23 minutes, 15 seconds". It was either done with VFX or practically, but still, the thought of incorporating system messages into the actual background is insane and I'm always happy to discover such details.

I don't know how many of you have motivational stairs at your schools, we definitely didn't have this but it's quite a popular thing in Korea. They put popular and uplifting sayings for students on each stair, sometimes they even quote motivational phrases from idols, like this:

And it's interesting that when system gets broken and Myungha is about to disappear, we see the deep cracks coming through the stairs, we see ruined school BUT at the same time the quotes in the show are so obviously in our focus. And they are already written (see screenshots above) in Korean and English, but I'll still write down: one is saying "Stay hungry, stay foolish" and "If you dream it, you can do it, you will succeed". So, perhaps... motivational quotes from sunbae?

And the last moment isn't heavy on translation but I still want to talk about it because cool Korean culture!xD You see the gang grilling meat on the roof (it's called samgyeopsal and it's very popular to have for gatherings), and then Myungha makes a "ssam" and feeds it to Yeowoon – but Sangwon steals it.

Ssam is a wrap, you grill meat then put it on the salad leaf, add other ingredients (like mushrooms, sauces, garlic, green onions etc, there are many side dishes) and then you wrap it in this sort of salad sack and eat it. It's very tasty and unusual combination. But the thing is! There is no way to make it for someone else and leave it on their plate so if you make a ssam wrap for someone and want to give it to a person, you literally have to feed them (like Myungha does with a very fond smile). This is why it's often seen as a romantic gesture (aka feeding someone from your fork etc) and why it's hilarious that Sangwon steals this ssam from Yeowoon (because he wants and he gets Myungha's affection and he's not above being a brat about it!)

I'm sure you can already sense it anyway without me telling you about romantic/close-friend implications, but I thought you guys might wonder why are the guys fighting over the salad leaf.

Another funny thing – Sangwon mentions "There's a saying, 'Don't scold dogs while they eat'". This is a Korean proverb "밥 먹을 때는 개도 안 때린다" ("You don't hit even a dog when it eats") which means that, no matter how annoying you find someone, no matter how angry you are, you can't scold this person while they are eating. Eating is a very important cultural thing in Asia, of course, so do not have arguments at the dinner :D But it's funny how Sangwon uses old proverbs to be mischievous and steal Myungha's love without consequences xD I adore him

I swear, this gotta be my last post about all the details in Love for Love's Sake. There is one more scene with the mirror and a caption, and I'm very curious if it means something because it was seen twice, during system breaking down scene as well, but it's either in Chinese or Japanese and I can't read it.

Anyway! Hope you enjoyed your everyday magazine, I love reading all your tags and thoughts and comments, and if you want to read all my previous translations and pointed out cultural details in Love for Love's Sake, go read this tag!=)

#love for love's sake comments #love for love's sake meta #love for love's sake #bl meta #korean drama #korean bl #bl series #love supremacy zone #myungha x yeowoon #tae myungha #dropthemeta #i love hyperfocusing on the show and have amazing community to go insane over it #i love reading all your comments guys #tw suicide #tw depression

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unabashednightmarepizza · 1 year ago

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𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑆𝑎𝑣𝑒𝑑 𝑀𝑒

Summary: Remus loved Defence Against The Dark Arts, even though every year, he would have to listen to his class and their hateful words about werewolves. What they said was right, and he was getting worse, everyone was worried but they didn't know what to do.

Who knew, all it took was a kind spirit reminding him of his homeworks and bringing him chocolate?

Warnings: General hate about werewolves, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of thinking of "unaliving"

Inspiration: this, this

A/N: Tiktok should be banned for me, really. Every time I see a cool pov video, I get inspired and that's why I have a bunch of unfinished works but still start a new one *sighs angrily*

Remus Lupin was your rival.

That was a fact almost everyone one in the whole school knew.

It wasn't an unpleasant one that would make everyone cower in fear, or get uncomfortable around you two. It wasn't the kind of rivalry which would end with pranking the other one or scare the hell out of you by suddenly appearing beside you.

It was a sweet one, where you two would sit together in the library with candy and chocolate covered lips as you both studied and made bets who was going to get the higher grade.

Remus, naturally, was someone friendly and even cute, dare you said. With the mop of brown hair and big eyes that twinkled with mischief- not many knew but he was actually the mastermind of the best pranks they did- you knew, because he often explained those pranks to you in the middle of your study session in which you had to stiffle your giggles because how much chaotic the school would become sooner and unknown to you, he would try to hide his blush at your cute reactions too.

The first time you noticed him, was when you both answered one of the questions of Slughorn at the same time. You looked at him with squeezed eyes and a slight hmph, a playful smile over your face as you made a mental note to talk to the boy who was way too shy to look you in the eye after class.

But the first time he noticed you was the very first day of coming to the Great Hall and staring at you laughing to your heart's content at one of Sirius' corny jokes. The sight made him blush slightly, something that would become more intense through the years, but also remind him that he would never be the reason of that laugh.

After all, seeing his crush laughing with his bestfriend who every girl had a crush on and would giggle and blush at wasn't an ideal sight for an insecure boy like him to watch through the years. He never blamed Sirius, though he often wondered how he was able to get all the girls of the school around him even with that flirty, Casanova persona of his.

And, as the self-destructive boy he was, he often pushed aside his friends' teasings about how you always eyed him and stared longingly, so sickly in love at the scarred boy.

"No way that she is looking at me, Pads. She is looking at you." He pointed to where you were sitting as usual, reading, without even looking up, making James whistle teasingly at him.

"And how do you know that, Moony? You didn't even look up~" James smiled as Remus sighed out tiredly and lifted his head to answer the boy...

But instead was met the shining eyes of yours catching his own across the Hall.

"Aaand just like that, we have lost our Moony for good, mates." Sirius teased him as he leaned back like a proud mother but soon found himself falling, pulling James with himself when he wanted to grab him for balance, and made both of them fall on their butts.

"Dude, not cool! What if I broke my glasses and my precious lilyflower saw me and..."

But Remus didn't even listen to them, their words becoming blurry as he stared at you with his own shining eyes.

He was impressed, and a little bit bashful, at how intensely you were looking at him and how... in love you looked. His heart started to beat faster and harder, his sweater suddenly became too much for him and he had to fan himself quietly. He wasn't even doing anything remotely different like Sirius who often winked at the girls and blew kisses at them with a charming smile!

He was the same boy who chose to read his book as his friends goofed around, the same shy boy who couldn't look a girl in the eye- especially his longtime crush who was also a "rival" at this point-, the same boy who studied and then gave a last-minute lecture to his friends so that they could pass...

But also the same boy who thought himself to be a monster who deserved nothing good in life.

You frowned when his eyes downcasted and he didn't even nod his head at you. No smile, no acknowledging.

Nothing.

You nervously shuffled on your seat as he continued to read his book, though his eyes stayed fixed on one page and you were sure he wasn't reading but instead was pretending. Though you were saddened by his actions, you were also proud of yourself for being able to hold eye contact longer than the last time and got a reaction out of him without bursting into a fierce blush yourself, you were worried about Remus.

You knew how smart Remus was, you saw it firsthand at Slughorn's test or the Charms lessons when you both answered the question at the same time. Or that when time in Minnie's class when you both were the first ones to achieve performing Evanesco and then later Vera Verto in the same lesson, and earned praises from the stern yet soft you two's favourite teacher.

A rare occurance by itself.

But he wasn't just as academical smart. He was also emotionally smart too. You weren't sure if it was about him being silent and often watching around himself, but for some reasons, he always knew what mood people were in.

He always knew when you were feeling overwhelmed, for example. He would come with your favourite sweets and some water to keep you hydrated since you often forgot, and though he used to scowl at those times, you knew he cared for you.

His worry and wide, caring eyes gave it away even if he tried to hide.

He is really so pretty, so handsome, so caring is what passed your mind as you sighed out lovingly. You knew he was insecure of the scars decorating his face and body, you knew he often stayed away from you or didn't touch you in fear of disgusting you with his touch. How absurd, you thought while eating your dish. He doesn't even know how smart he is, how lovely his smile was and how elegant he looked under one of the trees near the lake, hand holding his book gracefully-

Oh, you were so in love with him it hurt.

But then again, you two were nothing but friends, friendly rivals. Besides, talking to the Marauders took a huge toll on you by how... intense they could get, especially if pranks are included, so you kept your distance most of the times but instead spend time with the calmer one in the quiet confines of the library.

But lately... He had been sadder than normal, more quiet and kept to himself, he fiddled with his hands more than usual, picked on his nail more than he did and made them bleed painfully. You always carried cottons and bandaids for him solely for that reason and had they not run out of stock, you wouldn't even realize it.

And it worried you, not being enough to comfort him.

Because you were obviously at that state where you were more than friends but below lovers. You couldn't exactly go up to him and demand answers but also couldn't leave him to suffer. Maybe it was the secret he kept from everyone, or something concerning his family... Why were you so concerned anyways? He wasn't anything to you, though the soft exchanges between you, the shy touches of hands under the table and stares you gave to each other, the way he hugged you close to himself whenever you fell asleep accidently on the table said other wise...

A few more days, you thought bitterly as you collected your things and left the Hall in hurry to go to your next lesson.

A few more days, and if things don't go for the better, I will talk to him...

As his group of friends watched you walk away silently, they angrily turned to Remus and put a pause to their bickering- which said enough about the importance of the situation at hand- as they exclaimed how he could do that to his future spouse and their sibling-in-law.

Which they deserved to be hit with a bludger, and then hang upside down on on the ole of course, right straight in their skull for.

This was for the better, he thought painfully as he slowly put his books back in his bag with a frown. With slow steps, he would make you dislike him enough to stay away and save yourself from the misery that was him.

Remus never let anyone know about it, even though his friends already did from how fond he grew of you, but to him...You were a miracle.

A miracle that lightened his dark and empty life.

All his life, especially after his condition, he had come to make a peace with the fact that he wasn't and would never be normal in people's eyes. He knew how people viewed werewolfs, how they despised and even feared them and he didn't blame them.

He also feared himself and what he was capable of doing.

He had seen what he could to in his wolf form, to both himself and those who deemed as family. When he turned, he wasn't the same kind boy everyone thought him to be. He wasn't the same boy you had come to have feelings for, both of you laying your heads on the hard surface of the table in the library and dozing of together, though he secretly watched you with an easy mind and peaceful smile.

He was a monster that could end your life in less than a second.

Therefore, he pushed and pushed everyone away to protect both himself and others whenever the Full Moon came and he was turned to a bloodthirsty, carnal monster. The last thing he wanted was to hurt the only people who he cared about, the only people who knew his biggest secret but still chose to love him and stay next to him.

The Marauders and above all you, were the most important thing in his life. They were already deep in this mess anyways, but he wouldn't taint your happiness and innocence with a disgusting person such as himself. For the longest time, he pushed his friends' teasing remark about how he was smitten by you- even though they never said your name bir he still knew it- and how you also felt the same for the boy beyond that academic rivalry.

Making friendships was already hard enough for him, he needed months to just to open up to them about normal, mundane things! You and him didn't talk that much outside of those "Study Dates" as Sirius and James called it with wiggling brows, even if he wanted to talk to you about anything and everything like any other person.

Like, your favourite hobby, or movie, perhaps music band? Or what kind of books you wanted to read, places you wanted to visit or simply, what you wanted to be when you were out of Hogwarts.

But he... destroyed all of those chances when he burst out at you right before the full moon. He already felt awful, like a total and royal douchebag, and it was no excuse for him to act that way when you both were finally able to land on a playful and friendly "friendship" but the teasing of his friends had become too much alongside the stimulation he felt.

He knew he could never be a decent boyfriend you deserved, this accident proved enough, someone present and whose emotions didn't change depending on the moon. You definetly didn't deserve someone who kept secrets, someone who was scarred badly either.

You deserved someone who would be your rock when you needed, someone who would hold you without any fears of ever hurting you. You were so adorable, so pretty and he could never taint it.

So, if he needed to be turned into a douchebag for you to hate him... He would do it, even if hurted him more whenever he would see your frown after his mean word and draw back to your shell.

The loud, cheerful, bubbly and teasing person was gone and instead... A shy and silent one came, in fear of irritating Remus more than usual even if you were worried for him.

But, that was also the end of your "friendly rivalry" since you two no longer talked... Which concerned even the teachers.

"Moony, I'm sure they would understand... Just, why don't you give a chance to-"

"I said no, Prongs, and that is final. I'm not gonna talk to them."

"Even if it makes you and them miserable when they don't even know what they did wrong?"

Remus groaned at his friends from where he laid on his bed, face buried in his pillow in a pitiful attempt to hide away from the truth reflecting in their eyes. To be honest, his day was already shitty and his misery of treating you harshly 2 days ago added salt to his wound. His body was aching painfully, and his own mind and body was restless. The usual quietness of the common room and even their dorm was nothing but suffocating, like water slowly rising in level and coming closer to kill him mercilessly, in fake comfort. He planned to retire to his bed to sleep, the assignment he was supposed to be working laid all by itself on the table in the common room.

One that he was supposed to write with you.

Instead, he buried his face deeper into his pillow, tears of frustration escaping his thightly closed lids as he tried to find some sleep. The reason of his yet another meltdown was... Everything piled on his poor heart and mental state.

The harsh words spoken about him, inderectly or not, in the class... How he felt the immense guilt crush him slowly whenever he looked at your face, still smiling at him kindly with a hint of sadness... How his friends' pitying eyes turned to him before Sirius and James almost threw the desk at the people who uttered all those... insults.

"Monsters, that's what they are!"

"They all should be kept away!"

"They would kill you the moment they see you!"

"To be honest, they only deserve death."

He didn't do anything except making a cacoon of some sorts with his arms, burying himself there with tears stinging his eyes and without listening to the rest of the lesson as the teacher scolded both sides for it and continued as if everything was fine.

It wasn't.

Because as Sirius comforted him, or at least tried to, Remus' mind was in a frenzy. Maybe what they said was true? Why did he even think that somehow he could have a happy life? What did he do to deserve it anyways? All he ever did was hurting people...Maybe he should come closer to the cliff next time and...

Your eyes, even from the first rows, didn't leave Sirius and Remus, as you and Lily tried to make what they were doing and feeling. Sirius supported a frown on his face, lifting it only to shook at you with sad eyes as he let Remus be with a single pat to his shoulders but still sat close to him.

The sight of him all miserable, at the verge of tears made your heart clench painfully as your hands bundled your uniform anxiously. You were blaming yourself for not speaking up before, not confronting him because of your crush on the boy and the "rivalry" between you two.

Even if his outburst at you a few days earlier, not showing up to any of the sessions or book readings said enough to you: He didn't care about whatever was happenig between you two, or in other words, could have happened.

Besides, the reason of your absence had a logical explanation in your mind to you, and it was utterly understandable when you didn't want to irritate someone and therefore stayed away.

You thought you were alwasy disturbing Remus, by how he would glare at you silently with a frown (not knowing it was one of the many times he was considering to just blurt everything out and let you hate him freely in his mind) even if your intentions were good. You were only worried for him, especially after DADA lessons, much like this one, or whenever he didn't show up for classes after full moons. James and Sirius often tried to play it off by teling you to not to worry and that he was just having... A bad day, a headcahe that just wouldn't leave poor Moony alone, or how he was having the flu that made his body ache slightly.

They assured you that he would be fine and come back to your "library dates", looking at you cheekily as you blushed and grumbled at them before slipping away, head and heart full of worry for the kind and soft boy.

Because, even if you two were "academic rivals of some sort"... You knew what was going on with him.

Yes, maybe they thought of you to be an idiot or not, but it was plainly obvious what Remus was, by how he disappeared the night before the Full moon, during the Full Moon, and the next day of it. At first, you weren't sure about your suspicions, after all it could be something else.

But when it became regular, and he would come back with more scars visible on his arms and face, and when you saw Madame Pomfrey comforting a crying Remus wrapped in bandages, was how you knew it.

And it did nothing to change how you saw him.

To you, he was the same boy who always offered you a piece of his chocolate under his friends' shocked eyes, he was the one who would land you one of his jackets when it was colder than normal, he was the one who knew where to find you whenever you cried, he was the one you always found in your usual spot just to irritate you and watch fondly as you lost it, he was the one who hugged you when shit went down and you needed someone to believe in you...

But above all, he was the boy you loved.

Even if he hated you, or didn't want you near him... You had to help him, confront him if needed. This could go in two ways: You leaving with tears as he kicked you out, or achieving your goal successfully.

And you made sure that the second one would be the case as you brought your notes from today and the books he had forgotten in the class, knowing that if he was in a good shape enough to talk to you, he would let you in with all these.

As you walked towards the boys' dormitory with an anxious biting of your lips, you were sure that you would make it all clear.

How you didn't see him as a monster, how he deserved good things in the world and even more, how there would be people loving him unconditionally even if he pushed them away...

Maybe not immediately, but through time.

James already made sure that none of the Marauders would enter or disturb you both, silently cheering for his ship that was about to sail as Sirius watched from next to him while biting on his fist with proud tears in his eyes. You could still hear their choked cries as Peter mumbled a surprised what the fuck, giggling to yourself as you slowly knocked on the door and let yourself in.

You already guessed Remus would be out for good, sleeping as he recovered from the night of Full Moon, so you quickly took a look around and sighed to yourself at the messy state of the dorm.

Boys, you sighed affectionately yet still tired. Putting everything together and tidying up didn't take much time and soon you were seated on Remus' bed with a thundering heart, silently cooing at how cute he looked with his mouth slightly open, face smushed to the pillow he held it thightly to himself.

"You're really pretty..." you murmured softly in admiration and love softly, heart flipping inside your chest as you swiped his slicked with sweat hair back, feeling the slight burn of his forehead under your finger tips. All this time, you always stared at him from afar and everything was fine, you could control your body's reaction from that distance but now that you were so close to him, eyes raking through his half-naked upper chest and back, you didn't know what to do with your shaky hands and heart full of love for the boy laying before you.

Watching him sleep, laying prettily was probably a good idea but you were sure the boys would be able to hold back anyone entering only for so long.

And even if no one entered, Peeves would, since the ghost loved drama and "peeving" into students' lives.

"Rem, wake up." you shook the boy slightly to not alert him suddenly, giggling when he mumbled a groggy five more minutes Sirius when his eyes snapped open at your next words and he stood up on his hands shakily, still not quite out of the clutches of sweet sleep.

"Wow, Sirius wakes you up with swiping your hair back and so softly?"

After the initial shock wore off at seeing you right in the middle of his dorm, smiling down at him with a soft smile as he stared at you... He didn't know how to feel and just blurted out whatever was in his mind as he leaned back on the bed frame.

"Why are you here?" he internally cringed at how hoarse and rude the question left him, hoping that you weren't angry but you only shrugged your shoulders noncholantly and smiled at his obvious confusion.

"I saw you in the infirmary and offered the boys to help them with their assignments for 2 weeks to leave us alone."

"That one was one big deal you got yourself, love." he couldn't help the sweet name leaving his lips, so naturally that he didn't realize it at first but soon flushed as soon as possible, looking at anywhere but you with his ears tinted red on the tips.

"Well, it was worth it. Besides, I needed to talk to you. And you forgot your books and I brought you the notes of today's lessons." you tried to hide the blush covering your cheeks at how the word warmed your insides sweetly and lifted your eyes to gaze at his confused ones. This was the only time he wasn't irritated and you had to make the most of it. (Remus would never be that asshole to you again, not when you came here even if you didn't have to and he had become calmer at your presence.)

"Then... What's the problem? If it's about the infirmary, you don't have to-" he immediately started to ramble excuses as to why you should never be worried about him, as if it was something forbidden which made you sigh tiredly and take his hand between yours, thoughtfully rubbing circles on his much larger ones and shutting him up immediately at your warmth coursing through him as his eyes widened.

"Why don't you accept that someone could care for you because they want to, Rem?"

Well, why would you when he was a bloodthirsty monster?

"I'm not that good of a guy as you think of me." Remus spitted angrily, venom towards himself visible to you as your heart once again broke for the boy, and felt anger at the injustice and harshness he was met all his life. You had a good guess that his sour mood was a product of those comments from before, as normal as it was, but still... Remus was never this affected, this sad and... gloomy.

It was something else, but for now... You wouldn't comment on it.

You hummed thoughtfully to yourself. Of course, it was normal for people to have different sides that they didn't show to everyone but yet again... Remus was like an open book to you, whether he tried to hide the biggest secret of his life or not.

"Why? Because you are a werewolf?"

Your question made the boy freeze in shock and fear, mind suddenly running with questions and trying to find a way to dodge your "assumption".

But as soon as he saw your understanding and kind eyes, he crumbled and a single tear rolled down his eyes.

"Who... Who told you that?"

" No one, I figured it out a few months ago when you started to act weird with me but waited until you came to me with your will... I wish I came myself though, maybe you wouldn't be miserable right now." you wiped the tear softly and craddled his face as if he was a delicate doll, the harsh skin of the scars running his face. To think that he thought he was ugly and disgusting...

If only he saw himself through your eyes...

"I see you for who you are. Doesn't matter if you turn into a wolf every month for a day, I want to be there for you to take care of you..."

"Besides, the boys don't know shit about taking care of a sick person." that made the tension disappear in a second as you both stared at each other for a few seconds and soon burst out laughing. Maybe you wouldn't be able to confess your feelings today, and Remus wouldn't actually talk to you about the probelm he has, but as you two hugged thightly just like you used to...

Everything felt right.

And, without you knowing, you saved Remus from committing or doing something he would regret later, from ending it all in one transformation day... It was you reminding him of his homeworks every day from that day on, always being there for him through thick and thin with your soft touches and kisses, coming to his dorm with a bunch of books and his favourite chocolate...

And accepting him for who he was.

"By the way, I know you knowingly did the last question wrong on the last week's test."

A deep chuckle as he hugged you thighter.

Yes, maybe he deserved happiness.

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