#i just want them to be happy and like go to therapy or something :(
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‘cause it’s you and me
rating: g | cw: none | wc: 1,9 k | tags: eddie lives, hospitals and injury recovery, steve has a crush, he also knows how to play guitar, fluff
written for @steddielovemonth day one | You and Me by Lifehouse & the quote “every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.”
read on ao3
Steve doesn’t know how much time he’s spent on the chair that is next to Eddie’s hospital bed.
Too long probably, if the recurrent pain on his back means anything. But not even that is enough to prevent Steve from staying glued to that chair, neither are the doctor’s mean looks or Robin’s insistence about him getting proper sleep or meals for that matter. Steve only leaves the chair when he has a shift or when he wants Wayne to have time alone with his nephew or when the nurses wheel Eddie away for surgery or tests or physical therapy. That’s it.
It makes the months that Eddie spends recovering blur together. Sometimes, Steve even forgets what day it is, only managing to keep track of it by the nurse’s schedule or depending on who shows up to visit Eddie. The kids and Wayne and Robin all come on different days, effectively balancing keeping their friend company with their everyday lives.
All of them except Steve.
Ever since Spring Break, it’s been Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
Find Eddie. Get Eddie’s heart beating again. Drag Eddie out of the Upside Down. Pray that Eddie makes it out of surgery. Wait for Eddie to wake up. Comfort Eddie when he’s in pain. Take Eddie’s mind off of the murder charges that haven’t been dropped yet or the loss of their trailer or the long hours of physical therapy ahead of him. Listen to Eddie ramble on the days that he feels better about books and music and Dungeons and Dragons. Watch Eddie sleep and only then try to get a little sleep himself.
The last one might sound a little creepy but Steve thinks it’s justified considering he still can’t forget how Eddie looked when they found him– pale, bloody, dead. Watching him sleep, his chest rising and falling slowly but steadily is the only thing that calms Steve enough for him to doze off in that damn uncomfortable chair.
Only at some point it stops being entirely about making sure that Eddie is alive– the staring. Suddenly, Steve can’t keep his eyes off of Eddie at all times.
Steve stares at his face while Eddie reads a book to him out loud and forgets to pay attention to what he’s saying. He stares at Eddie’s hands while he explains something to the kids and completely miss a question from Henderson. He stares at his mouth while Eddie slurps the extra jello cup that Robin sneaked in past the nurses and blush when she catches him and smirks knowingly at him.
It takes Steve some time to figure out why he looks at Eddie so much, obvious as it is, and when he finally does he actually leaves his chair and heads to the bathroom for a proper floor freak out.
He just doesn’t know what to do with these feelings for Eddie or where to go from there so he just– doesn’t do anything.
And things stay the same.
Except for the way Eddie keeps getting better.
The doctors are so optimistic that they announce that Eddie might get to go home soon. They have him doing laps around the hospital and start slowly tapering off his pain meds and encouraging him to pick back up things he used to do like writing and playing guitar to work on his dexterity, they said.
It’s why Eddie starts writing down plans and ideas for future dork campaigns again and why Wayne brings his sweetheart to the hospital.
(Eddie almost cried when he saw it, making grabby hands and hugging it against his chest with a happy sigh.
“I swear you’re happier to see that thing more than you’ve ever been to see me,” Steve muttered through pursed lips.
“Steve, don’t call her a thing! She can hear you!” Eddie protested, appalled. Which wasn’t a no but at least later he tells Steve that there’s enough room in his heart for two sweethearts.)
It’s not like Eddie goes back to being a rock god on the guitar right away and his writing is intelligible more often than not, but none of that stops him. He keeps trying, keeps practicing, and Steve loves him more and more for it.
Yes. Love. The first time the word pops up in Steve’s head it leads to yet another bathroom floor freak out but once he realizes it, he has to bite his tongue to stop himself from blurting it out several times a day.
He’s doing it right now while watching Eddie excitedly write down a D&D character sheet for him with his tongue poking out adorably between his lips, tempting Steve to lean in and kiss them. So when a nurse interrupts them to take Eddie away for some test, he appreciates the short break.
When he’s alone, Steve reaches for the notebook that Eddie left on the bed. It’s off limits for any of the kids, but Eddie has let Steve peek at it before. He doesn’t think he’ll mind.
He reads his character sheet, recognizing some of the nerdy words while others fly completely over his head. Then he leafs lazily through pages of notes and doodles until he pauses at what looks like an unfinished song, fragments of lyrics and melodies written messily over the page.
Steve sends a sidelong glance to Eddie’s guitar where it’s leaning against the wall.
He’s never told anyone but he took some guitar lessons back when he started high school, hoping that playing an instrument would help get him girls. He knows how to read music and can fumble his way through a few simple songs, but he never made it past that. It seemed useless when he already had Nancy, and then when he didn’t have her anymore, he had the kids and the Upside Down and playing guitar didn’t seem like a useful skill to have when fighting monsters.
He chuckles. “Guess I was wrong,” he mutters to himself, thinking about Eddie saving the world with a Metallica song of all things.
Without giving it much thought, Steve stands up and carefully grabs the guitar, bringing it back with him to the chair and resting it on his leg, Eddie’s notebook open on the bed in front of him.
He clumsily places his fingers on the fretboard and tries to play the melody that Eddie wrote down. He messes up a few notes, but for someone who hasn’t touched a guitar in years he thinks he plays it decently enough. Eddie would surely do a better job, but it still doesn’t sound half bad. Maybe he can ask Eddie for help to improve and–
“What are you doing?” Eddie’s voice breaks through the melody. His fingers slip and the guitar makes a loud, screechy sound that makes Steve wince.
He whirls around and finds Eddie staring at him from the door, his face unreadable.
Steve gulps, his cheeks pinking up at being caught. “Playing guitar?”
Eddie’s eyebrows knit together. “Since when do you know how?”
“I– uh, I took lessons years ago but I stopped,” he says, tripping on his words. “I– I found your– your song and I was trying to play it–”
Eddie’s eyes dart to the notebook on the bed. Steve winces again, worrying that Eddie will get mad because he went through his things or because he touched his sweetheart.
“That sounds nothing like what I wrote.”
Or because he butchered his song.
Steve blushes brighter, reaching for the notebook and fumbling to close it. “Sorry, I– it’s been a while and I was never that good to begin with.”
With three long strides –and a lot less limping than a month ago, Steve proudly notices– Eddie reaches his side and snatches the notebook from Steve’s hands.
“Give me that!” He says, flopping down on the bed and flicking furiously through the pages, his face pinched.
“Shit, Eddie, I’m sorry, I– I didn’t think you’d be mad–”
“You bet I’m mad!” Eddie says with a huff, patting the bed sheets, trying to find something.
Steve shrinks down on the chair. “I– I think I’m gonna go–” he says, pushing himself to his feet. Better to leave now before Eddie finds whatever he’s looking for and throws it at his head.
“Aha!” Eddie gasps, holding up his pen. Then he notices Steve standing awkwardly and frowns at him. “Wait, what? No, stay. Play it again.”
Steve blinks down at him. “What?”
“The song!” Eddie urges him but his voice is soft, gentle. “Play it again, Stevie, please.”
Stevie. Please. He’s not mad.
“What?”
Eddie heaves out a sigh, but it comes across as fond. “Dude, I’ve been trying to figure out the right melody for that song for like, half a year!” He says, shaking his notebook aggressively. A few pages fall off, but he pays them no mind. “But I just couldn’t get it fucking right, there was always something missing! And it was whatever you were doing when I walked in!”
“So you’re not mad at me?”
“Not at you, Stevie, no,” Eddie chuckles. “Just mad that it was you who figured it out with your secret magic guitar skills and not me.”
“Oh,” Steve says, and he can’t help but let out a chuckle himself. “So you want me to do it again?”
Eddie nods enthusiastically and that’s enough to make Steve flop back down on the chair, propping the guitar on his legs and doing his best to play the song like he did before.
He must get it right because Eddie lets out an adorable squeal before using his pen to cross out something and write down whatever Steve accidentally came up with.
“Goddamn, sweetheart, I’m gonna have to dedicate this song to you now as a thank you,” Eddie says, grinning so wide at his notebook that it shows off his dimples.
Steve hangs a hand from his neck. It feels hot to the touch, probably from the pet name. “Too bad it’s a love song,” he jokes weakly, even if he wants nothing more than for Eddie’s words to be about him.
Eddie glances up, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth. “I know,” he says softly, his eyes flickering nervously over Steve’s face.
Oh. Oh.
Stomach fluttering with butterflies, Steve stands up, grabbing the guitar by its neck to prop it up against the wall.
“Uh, you– are you leaving?” Eddie asks, chewing anxiously on his pen as he watches Steve move around silently. Little does he know that his heart is currently screaming at him to gently tackle Eddie into the bed.
But first–
“Just making sure your guitar is safe before I go over there and kiss you, Eds,” he says, the corners of his mouth ticking up when Eddie squeaks again, his eyes widening.
“Oh, o–okay. That’s smart. Yup,” he stammers out, his voice an octave higher, his cheeks pinking up. “Does that mean you also–”
“Feel that way about you?” Steve asks, sitting on the bed next to Eddie, who nods expectantly. Steve reaches out and tucks a lock of hair behind his ear. “Yeah, Eddie, I do.”
When Steve leans in and finally, finally kisses him, Eddie lets his notebook fall to the floor so he can grab Steve’s shoulders. The urgency to write down that perfect melody now replaced by an urgency for Steve.
But it doesn’t matter, Steve thinks that melody is now seared into both of their memories forever, as is their first kiss. The first of many.
#steddie#steddie fic#steddielovemonth#stranger things#stranger things fic#i know i'm late but i left my house at 4 am yesterday and came back at midnight sorryyyy hope you all enjoy it x#steve harrington#eddie munson#monse writes
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silly doodle for my fursona since i made her 11 years ago today :-)
#my art#YAAAAY KADEN BIRTHDAY#featuring her new design bc i keep forgetting to update her ref#ive been a furry for 11 years. isnt that something LMAO#im on fall break now!!! doing a lot of recharging bc the few days before break have been making me wanna eat my keyboard#< nothing crazy bad going on its just the work im doing being super annoying + dealing with a weird bout of imposter syndrome#BUT ANYWAY!!! happy birthday kaden. kissing his big head#i have a couple of things i wanna do for my next tattoo/its just a matter of committing but i Do want to get a cat#< I DO WANNA NOTE kaden and i have dif birthdays :-) mine was at the end of october hehe#but i do draw kaden on my birthday bc he is me but he is also Not Me . but he is. yk LOL#tattoo somewhere to honor kaden. just a standard shorthair/nothing that necessarily reads that im a furry#or the cat having her design bc it changes every now and then bahaha#AND LIKE IM VERY CERTAIN I WANT A CAT TATTOO FOR KADE LOL shes been a staple of my life for Eleven Whole Years#and shes helped me accept parts of myself. bc if i gave her the traits i had/have and i still loved her. then i could love me too#and that has drastically helped with So Much and my therapist says thats actually#a great therapy tool. forget the exact wording but the idea is there#everyone make a fursona now. ur homework is making a fursona and loving them. and then loving urself
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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watching a youtuber talking abt a horror movie and itis so obvious when somebody has only talked to mental health professionals for like. depression or anxiety* . bc shes sitting here like Woah i dont understand this guys like engaged to a therapist why doesnt he understand that someone being mentally ill doesnt mean theyre an evil scary person... I am sorry to say this but even being a mental health professional doesnt mean you dont think mentally ill ppl r evil and scary and gross
*this is an assumption on my part bc this yter has never talked about having anything other than those afaik Obv its her right not to just in my experience and the experience of other ppl ive spoken to . it seems like if you have pretty much anything other than those and talk to a therapist you would not have this idea that mental health professionals are like. inherently understanding and whathaveyou
#idk if im wording this right. what i mean is i was having a conversation with my most recent therapist and i planned to talk abt some of my#thangs and then she started talking abt how psychopaths r sooooo fucking scary and shes glad none of her parents r psychopaths and i was#like ohhh this is not a safe space suddenly . <- idt i personally am a psychopath but i think its 1. just disgusting to say something like#that ever 2. esp as a mental health professional 3. why r u telling me at all abt yr other patients its . unprofessional to me. but idk.#that combined with some stuff she said abt bpd and etc. rly made me like Oh i can not talk to this woman abt any of my actual serious stuff#and that wasnt the first kind of experience ive had with a person like that like. ive talked to therapists abt my dissociating in the past#and like. ive never felt safe to discuss my hallucinations even when they were rly rly rly bad last year bc i like. some of these therapist#were surprised when i said i struggled with hygiene bc of the depression like. guys cmon ... idk. thisis not a particularly thoughout post#i just thought abt it while watching the video#idk so many youtubers i watch talk up therapy sm and im like Happy it helps them and im happy like. etc. and obv idk what all goes on in#their lives but im kind of sick of ppl talking abt talk therapy like itll fix everything for everyone ever. like im not talking abt just#being like Oh therapy helped me etc but a lot of ppl r like I dont get why ppl dont go to therapy like 1 money 2 like. idk man. the psych#industry is so evil it like. makes me so mad. IDK all of this is halfthoughts im just talking recreationally#oh another disclaimer bc i worry i came off weird by specifying i only mentioned idt im a psychopath bc the sentence b4 that seemed like i#was implying i was. i wasnt trying to be like IM not one of THOSE GUYS i just didnt want anybody to get confused. ok sry
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I have no one to talk to about AU stuff so I'm just concept doodling and going insane
#Mephiles#mephiles the dark#sonic au#solaris#teeth#gore#technically? it's dry gore#my man be kinda crumbling as time goes on being split#thankfully for him it's not deadly just a pain in the ass; he can recharge by contact with the yellow super emerald#Knuckles is not happy about this. this creepy dude will not leave his house and he can't do anything about it#cause it was technically Solaris's house first#long story#most my shit is worldbuilding so there's always some weird details like that Solaris is literally the yellow Super Emerald#I should probably tag that actually since it's technically a character in this au#Yellow Super Emerald#I know Mephiles more associated with purple but I have reasons; I have a whole pepe silvia style thing going on with the super emeralds#these guys are so stupid and dumb all the time but also can change dimensions and be such a problem I love them#there are other canon guys that are also super emeralds but this aint about them#something hilarious to me about these petty gods maliciously ignoring their siblings getting fucked up cause 'I'm in my lane'#like babes; please; your bro is the head landscaper for Time as a dimension and he's being used as a science experiment by humans who know#not what they do; maybe you should be concerned about that#anyways I love beings beyond comprehension that absorb just enough personality to communicate but not enough to know how to do it *well*#Mephiles could have talked to someone like a normal person but naw he thought manipulating teenagers into fights would be the best way to#fix things. although tbf from his perspective Shadow swung first and Meph holds grudges and just wanted to fuck with him back#anyway; technically a 'good guy Mephiles' au; he's lawful good/neutral but he's an asshole about it; doing shit like pretending to kill#teenagers (there was no blood; Sonic didn't literally die and Solaris was trying to fix the timeline so it wouldn't even happen)#because it seemed like the easiest solution to the problem; essentially hardcore scaring the hiccups out of a kid#I'd like to believe even he'd recognize that being so incredibly resistant to crying probably indicates some underlying issue and she gets#therapy in his fixed timeline. especially cause he'd 1000% kill the duke way earlier like that guy tortured him apart yeah he ain't livin#my art
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Come on, you know you want to, give us the character bingo for Viktor.
don't mind if i doooo
#ask me#okay there's a lot going on here but first things first#viktor has transcended the favorite character tier where I want to protect him or whatever#like yeah he did that shit! I support him but I also don't! the more trouble he gets himself into the happier I'll be!#do you feel me#like one of the things I love most about Viktor is that I feel so much sympathy for the circumstances he's in that are out of his control#but he has so much agency in his own story that everything he's gained and accomplished are because he makes choices#and GETS HIMSELF places#and now the same thing is happening with his BAD choices and I find that just as delightful if not moreso#he is the agent of his own salvation and his own destruction and I will be in the front row seat with popcorn for both or either#so writing him is mostly me studying him under the microscope poking him until he does something untoward it's very fun#I only hesitantly say that Viktor is like me but the Balkan ties and the grumpy-but-kind and obsessive personality#and the strong opinions about a chosen STEM field#are inescapable okay#mommy issues is not circled because I have mommy issues but bc I have convinced myself that Viktor WILL have them#if Nikola Tesla is anything to go by#the jayce-mel-viktor trifecta is ruled by mommy issues and i will stand by that claim#also viktor is more interesting with no therapy - with as little therapy as possible would be my preference#WITH THE EXCEPTION of the lonely genius shit that Singed planted in his head#that is absolutely the lie that Viktor believes that he MUST discard in order to progress as a character and I am excited for it#I genuinely think that Viktor will be happier and more eccentric as [REDACTED] but it won't last#he will hit a VERY LITERAL -if thy right hand offend thee cut it off- situation and then he'll have peace but he won't call it happiness#I can't say that I'd hate anyone who hurt him because that is half of why I'm excited for s2#but I will probably lose it at any scene where he loses to [REDACTED] for rivalry reasons#I genuinely do want to see Mel completely own his ass as [REDACTED] though like can you imagine the banter#and both of them secretly having fun with it
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I'm actually feeling hopeful about 2025.
A week ago I saw an instagram reel that was your New Year resolution based on your birth month. and mine was to do a daily hand stand. so that's going to be my fun goal for 2025 - just do a hand stand every day. Can I still do a hand stand? I'm not sure! I'm about to find out tomorrow!
If all goes well, I'll bridge into a Masters this coming year and complete it which is the highest university degree I'm interested in. I can't believe I'm saying that since I barely survived my undergrad and have struggled my way through all this. Getting my Masters means I'll have the qualifications to be a librarian if I so choose!
I've been building healthier relationships with the people around me VERY recently and I have THREE people now that normally reach out to me at least once a week because they thought of me, wanted to share something, or just want to chat and I really like each of them. And I'm so excited to see if I can keep these friends through 2025. I think it's been maybe a decade since I've had people (plural) like this in my life!
I'm eyeing my bank account and considering taking a fully solo trip overseas for the first time to somewhere completely new!
And okay, it isn't the first year I've intended to do this...BUT this is for sure going to be the year I get my FULL drivers license. I'm not scared of being tested, but when I got my restricted the guy basically made me cry before passing me because of an error I made (not enough to fail me though) and I'm scared of seeing him again (small town, I think there's still only the one guy). But I'm going to pay for some lessons to build confidence in myself and then try!
Come the end of the year, I think I'll finally be in a position to move out of my parents house, get a job in the field I'm actually interested in, and start figuring out what my adult life is really going to be like (I'll be 25 but better late than never?)
There's going to be hardships because my mental health is funky, and some things might not work out, but I'm choosing to be really hopeful on the last day of 2024 because I know I'll try my best this coming year, and any failures won't erase that. I don't need to succeed at everything, I just need to try. That's all I want, and I KNOW I can do that.
I'm wishing everyone else a good 2025 too!!! I hope y'all succeed in trying to do what you want, and I hope you can give yourself a break if that's what you need most!
#happy happy happyyyy#i can't believe i'm saying this#but i actually have vague plans for further than a year out#normally i have to pull myself through each year with something to look forward to to keep going#but i have. really mega vague ideas about what my future might hold#and i'm sure my mental health will argue otherwise when it crashes. because it will. but i've been doing this years now#i'll keep going somehow#maybe it'll be the year of trying to get therapy finally lmao#that's not fair. i did try this year and they said sorry system's fucked. no can do#but then when i brought UNRELATED problems to the SAME doctor they were like probably just anxiety. want therapy?#and i was so pissed i didn't give them an answer because you can't just say my problems are anxiety what the fuck#but i could use that to my advantage to get therapy i suppose
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sometimes i think about riven and musa and how they were my favorite couple as a kid even though i couldnt see how toxic they were and now i look back and i still feel a lot of love for them. they could have been so good. i need like a 200k long slowburn rewrite redemption where they work on themselves before dating and then be happy together.
#winx club#winx musa#winx riven#riven x musa#what is their ship name lol#anyways i know they werent the best but i still rlly like them#musa is my fav and i know she deserves better but so does riven i need a redemption au#i just want them to be happy and like go to therapy or something :(
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NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I CRIED SO HARD FROM 2 EPISODES OF 30 MINUTES UNTIL NOW😭
i don't even know anymore. thought about watching this donghua for fun not knowing what i was getting myself into.. the heartbreak is too much for me to take- i think that's enough beryl and sapphire for now, time to see my therapist (╥﹏╥)
been ugly crying for like hours now btw.
#beryl and sapphire#why don't they ever have a happy ending😭#each ep where they get together something tragic happens#or that tragic thing happens before they get together#i can't#BUT EPISODE 24 & 30 REALLY HIT HARD#THE STORY THE PLOT AND THE ENDING REALLY BROKE ME#CRIED FOR HOURS LITERALLY#and why does beryl always die tho#and some of the other eps is just one of them having a one sided love😭#OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH INTERNET FOR TODAY#IF YOU WANT TO CRY JUST WATCH BERYL AND SAPPHIRE#feels like the other happy-go-lucky eps are just a form of mini therapy for the heartbreaking ones#and those eps last 20+ minutes than the rest#i mean the aching ones
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:/
#like if it is ptsd that means basically it's untreatable right? like the only way to really deal with it is i have to just accept that i'm#going to be miserable and awful to be around forever?#idk like thats why i was kind of hoping it /was/ something more uncommon like osdd because like. i know that can be hard to treat but i've#seen people make it work for them and make it a good thing even if it's hard. there are no upsides or benefits to having Just Fucking Ptsd#there's no sympathy for it if you didnt get it from combat (and even then lol)#and there's no real way to treat it except just learn to fucking avoid triggers and my triggers are FUCKING EVERYTHING#idk i just want a FUCKING SOLUTION and there is none#it's not fucking fair. it's not fucking fair#that my life is permanently ruined and horrible because my fucking mom decided that she needed to have a little mini-me#to project her fucking insecurities on instead of getting therapy#and now i'm never going to be happy! i don't get to have a good fucking life! i h#i have to spend the rest of my life fucking /coping/ with my own existence and having everyone fucking moralize me not wanting to do that#i'm a horrible person for even thinking about this stuff because me saying i cant recover probably makes other people in similar situations#think they also can't recover and i know that makes me bad and awful but like. it's different.#other people have friends who love them and care about them. i will never have that because i'm awful and everyone who gets close to me#realizes how awful i am and runs#other people have a chance at happiness even if it's hard. i don't. i'm never going to have people who love me and care about me. i'm never#going to be anyone's family and i can't fucking stand that
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while i’m tekkenposting i get jinhwoa isn’t like the softest uwu fluffy ship out there but does every single fic have to be gut-wrenching angst like do u people rlly not see any happiness for them at all
#/ tbd#i’m serious there are like 5 non depressing jh fics on ao3 and i’ve read them all & literally wrote one of them#like sure angst is easy for them considering all they’ve been through but i think they can be cute too!!! i want 2 see that!!!#i remember when i first posted my fic some people were like ‘wow i didn’t know how much i needed a cute/happy story for them’ like#bitch i don’t blame u people treat them like they’re living in les misérables or something#idk im just out of my being obsessed with angst era & just want all my beloveds to be happy HFGDGDCWFSV#i don’t want to need to go to therapy after every fic jesus christ#anyways sorry i’m just thinking abt hwoa a lot today for some reason#i want to go back to his blog but i need to play t8 first lol
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thought about the fact tht getting mental health help means talking about my #Problems again
ugh
#speculation nation#negative/#like i dont have trouble talking about this stuff in an informal setting bc im like. not self conscious about it exactly#assuming i'm talking to ppl who r understanding#but even then i curate it. i always curate it. i never tell anyone just how ugly my thoughts can get#though if youve read my writing you probably have a Pretty good idea (akechi pov) the kinds of ways i think about things#i dont share that for common life stuff bc it's just. it always makes people uncomfortable. and i dont want them to worry about me#when people worry about me it makes Me uncomfortable. like there's something wrong with me.#like the very makeup of my brain is worthy of making people worried#bc that's the thing. this is intrinsic. it's never going to stop completely. there are parts to it that i dont even Want to stop#but people will always be worried. sooo scared for me and the sanctity of my shitty flesh prison#therapy shit is that but worse. because they Will pry about it#every time i see that lil questionnaire with 'have you had thoughts about suicide' and 'have you harmed yourself' im just like#might as well lock me up Boys cause this one's goin on my record! again. and again and again and again#im not even going for this shit. i dont have depression im depressed cause my life sucks & im stressed all the time#but they always see the bad and assume it's because of the Chemical Imbalances bc no Whole Person would EVER want to hurt themselves!#i can be perfectly happy and content with my life and still have these urges. it's not a depression thing. it's just a me thing.#i want help for my constant fatigue. my probable adhd that's been kicking my ass my entire academic career#im not fucking anxious. i'm not fucking depressed. i'm stressed and struggling to do fucking Anything because everything is always Too Much#but i just know they'll focus on those lil markers by the self harm/suicide shit because they Always Fucking Do#i'm not a suicide risk. ive long passed that stage. thoughts may float by sometimes but i'm never going to act on them#not unless things in my life go very Very wrong. aka there's no longer anyone who cares about me level of wrong.#so long as there's at least one person who cares about me then I'm going to keep on living. i'm not a suicide risk.#... anyways i looked into the mental health shit at my school again and im gonna have to call to set up an appointment i guess. ugh.#aka that's not happening tonight. not with the way i'm feeling rn.#suicide ment/#self harm ment/#lolololol sorry for being so blatant on main today but i'm having a Shit day
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i need to stop reading things that stress me out. omg im stressed
#reading something and guys its scaryyy fr <- literally its a romance manhwa. BUT ITS STRESSFUL#i hate love triangle things where one of the ppl is like dvil and awful but the mc is like unaware lf them being evil and awful stop . stop.#im so stressed out rn. im not even halfway done 😭😭😭😭#IT LIKE MAKES MY STOMACH TWIST most romance does even when its like happy. bc i get stressed und embarassed very easily#sk if an embarassing thing happens to the mc im like I need to go swim around in the arctic for like. Ever? or until the 🐻❄️ finds me#ITS JUST RLY VERY STRESSFUL. and also romance stresses me out the idea of it. <- guy who rly wants to date someone again Eventually After#Fixing Himself#will romance ever happen for me again well not to get introspective on a post abt my yaoi comic stressing me out but well. looks into#distance. anyways. ya. its all very scary so this is like exposure therapy kind of <- not rly. i am not like romance averse i rly like#romance i just get rly scared. all the time pretty much. and forever as well.
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someone splashed something on a notebook i bought recently and dont want to use bc its too pretty - now it has stains (and small bumps from moisture), which are barely visible, but now that ive noticed them i cant unsee it and i feel like its completely ruined now
#it might seem like im overreacting by saying its ruined#but ive been feeling like dying for 2 yrs now and barely anything made me happy in that whole time#buying and later looking at the notebook brought me joy#and now its stained and bumpy#past two years has been literally me going 'im literally asking for anything i just dont want to be miserable' and then having a small#moment of relief and then something ruins it... it goes from sth small like now (get notebook im happy it gets stained) to big things#(restarting therapy and getting excited & ready to talk abt things that have been bothering me for yrs → have only a few sessions before#my therapists daughter gets sick and they both move out of the country)#just#one small consistent thing yeah? please?#closest thing i have to that rn is skz but like..... my feelings over them are rly complicated
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me who quit therapy watching both my friends go to therapy and getting their diagnoses/support : ʘ‿ʘ
#im happy for them but aaaaaaaa#and like ill always live with the feeling of being a botchef human being bc my therapist said i shouldnt try to get diagnosed for bpd#in case i want to be 💞beamtet💞#and besides that idk man im not sure if ill ever trust another therapist#bro i realized why i got therapy so quickly#because no one wants to go see that bitch 😭#uM wHy dO yOu neEd a diAgnoSiS#maam because there's something so fucking wrong with me and if i knew there was a cause of it all#like for example different brain structure#i would feel less bad about jt#as it stands now i feel like im just#wrong#no longer human one might say
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#I suppress so much of what I’m feeling when I’m around my parents#like just automatically. I don’t feel super happy and I don’t feel super sad I’m just fine#because I have been taught that I can’t be anything other than fine when I’m here#I can’t relax here either. I was given homework from therapy to try a relaxation meditation and I just can’t relax and actually do it#I could when I was with the psychologist though. because I wasn’t here#i always forget how detrimental being here is to my mental health and it sneaks up on me slowly but it always impacts me#i push myself too much and don’t use my cane enough because I don’t want to have to explain it or argue my healthcare choices to my#parents. because they can’t adjust to me using a cane full time so I don’t use it until I need it#but it was never meant to be that. it’s supposed to be a preventative measure and then a support. not a fallback#I want to try this medication that should help my pain and reduce my flare ups but my dad doesn’t want me to start it without giving pt a#chance when my last pt told me that I had to take pain medication before I could continue with them because my pain wasn’t going down#is this pt better? yes. am I expecting it to magically cure my pain? no and neither is anyone else!#this med won’t cure my pain either but it would be wonderful to have something that can actually alleviate some pain even when I can’t do pt#for a stretch. It would make it easier for me to do my pt because I’m in less pain!#everyone keeps expecting an immediate change after one appointment and no one seems to understand that there’s intake and then I have to#actually do things for a while before they can help#is my posture a bit better today? sure! is it a radical lasting change? no because that’s not what happens after one day of pt!#I just don’t want to be in pain. that’s it. I want to be able to go skating after work. I want to lie in bed without having to take stock of#what hurts and whether I can do anything about it or not and if it’s even worth it to try#i just don’t want to hurt anymore
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