#i just relapsed pretty badly

[bones-n-bookles]

How I miss my kitty

Dumb venty nonsense in the tags. Cw for self harm mention ig

[arlathen]

i see “your parents actually werent around much” and say “that isnt angsty enough and doesnt channel my personal trauma in a way i want”

[muttsona]

i always want you when im finally fine. how youd be over me looking in my eyes when i come. someone to watch me die.

[mariasont]

hi honey! firstly, i just wanted to say your writing is beautiful—seriously, you’re so talented! i was wondering if you could write some hurt/comfort with early season spencer and gender neutral reader? something along the lines of spencer relapsing particularly badly and reader comforts him? maybe spencer doesn’t understand why they’re comforting him especially because he’s high and disoriented and drowsy and whatever. take it from there! thanks so much! 🦊

Worth It - S.R

a/n: hi!!!!!! thank you so much that means the absolute world to me! i hope you like this one <3

masterlist

pairings: early!seasons!spencer x gn!reader

warnings: drug use, relapsing, depression, pretty heavy themes yall, baby spencer

wc: 1.2k

"Spencer open the door."

The rough surface of the door scratched against your skin as you pressed your ear tighter to the wood. You willed yourself to stay perfectly still, straining for the smallest sound--a voice, a creak of floorboards, a heartbeat even. Nothing came. Just an empty, echoing void that seemed to laugh in your face. 

The tension in your stomach grew practically unbearable, twisting into a knot so tight it felt like it might snap you in half. His car was parked out front. His lights were on. You knew he was inside. You knew. Spencer didn’t just vanish, not without a reason. He didn’t shut people out unless something was wrong. You tried to picture him hunched over a book or pacing in thought, but the images felt brittle, like they might shatter if you held onto them for too long.

"Spencer, please," you tried again, louder this time. "I'm not leaving until I know you're okay."

Still nothing. With a shaky hand, you reached for the handle, hesitating just long enough to feel your heartbeat hammer in your ears. When it turned easily, the small relief was swallowed whole by the dread rising in your veins.

You froze as your eyes landed on him, slumped on the couch like a puppet whose strings had been cut. His head was bowed, his hand trembling faintly where it rested in his lap. His hair hung in messy strands around his face and his entire frame seemed to sag, like ten thousand boulders sat upon him.

"Spencer?" you whispered, stepping inside.

His head lifted at the sound, his bleary eyes struggling to focus. For a second, he looked almost surprised to see you, before his expression crumpled into something darker. Shame, maybe.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, voice raw, cracked, and worst of all—slurred.

The syringe on the coffee table confirmed what you already feared. You forced yourself to swallow, though it felt like shards of glass scraping down your throat. This wasn't the first time Spencer had relapsed, however, knowing that did nothing to soften the blow.

It was him, though—his appearance—that made it all so unbearable. He seemed impossibly diminished, as if this thing had shrunk him to something unrecognizable. The man you knew—sharp, wildly gifted, endlessly compassionate—had been hollowed out, replaced by someone who looked like they were holding on by a plastic string.

You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came. What could you possibly say? That you were here because you cared? That you couldn't stand the thought of him hurting alone? Or that seeing him like this felt like your heart was being wrenched apart, piece by agonizing piece?

Your gaze drifted to the syringe again, and bile crept up your throat, hot and bitter. You'd always known Spencer was fragile in his own way, but seeing the physical evidence of it—made it real in a way you weren't sure you were prepared for.

"You're shaking," you said quietly, crossing the room to kneel in front of him.

"I'm fine," he murmured, but the tremor in his voice gave him away.

"Yeah," you said back, mirroring his hushed tone. "You look fine."

A harsh, bitter laugh tore from his throat, brittle and hollow. It fractured halfway through, faltering into silence as his head dropped forward. His shoulders slumped, folding in on themselves, and for a second, you thought he might collapse entirely.

 "Don't...don't say it."

"Say what?"

"That I messed up," he slurred. "That I—you don't need to say it. I already know."

You reached out, placing your hand gently over his. His skin was clammy, his fingers cold beneath yours. "I wasn't going to. I think you're doing a good job of beating yourself up without me piling on."

His breath hitched, and you felt his hand twitch beneath yours, but he didn't pull away. A good sign, you thought.

"You shouldn't even be here," he mumbled after a long pause, his voice barely audible.

"Well, I am."

He didn't argue, but the faint furrow of his brow told you he wanted to.  It was a familiar expression, etched into your memory like a signature—the one he wore when he was deep in thought, pushing through some intricate puzzle. You could almost picture the insanely intelligent remark that used to follow, the lightbulb moment when his ideas shot across the room.

You’d always marveled at this sheer scope of Spencer’s mind. It was like an endless expanse of stars, each thought and idea connecting to something bigger and more profound. But in moments like this, it was hard not to see the darker side of that brilliance. The same mind that made him so extraordinary seemed to turn on him, trapping him in a relentless cycle of second-guessing and self-inflicted pain, similar to a galaxy collapsing in on itself.

It hurt to see him like this. It hurt in a way you didn't have the words for. But as much as it cut through you, you knew it cut deeper for him.

You stood, moving quietly to the kitchen. The clicking of glassware was the only sound as you filled a cup with water and grabbed a towel. 

When you returned, he was staring blankly at the ceiling, his lips moving faintly like he was trying to form words.

You knelt beside him, holding the glass out. "Here. Drink this."

He blinked down at it, his brow furrowing like the act of drinking water was entirely too complicated. "I don't need—,"

"You do," you interrupted, gently nudging it toward him.

He took it after a beat, grip clumsy as you helped steady it. He sipped and you waited until he'd taken a few swallows before taking it back and setting it aside.

When you brought a damp towel to his forehead, he flinched, his eyes snapping to meet yours. "What are you...?"

"Shh," you said softly, dabbing at his sweat-damp skin.

He didn't relax right away, his body stiff and uncomfortable.

"You're just... doing all this," he muttered. "Like it's normal. Like I didn't..."

His voice trailed off, his gaze flickering guiltily to the coffee table.

You didn't follow his eyes.

"You're tired," you said instead, folding the towel and pressing it to the back of his neck.

"I didn't mean to," he said suddenly, his voice cracking. "I-I tried not to. I swear I tried. But I just... I just couldn't stop thinking—,"

He cut himself off, his breathing ragged and uneven.

"Spencer," you said softly. "You don't have to explain anything to me right now."

"But I—,"

"Not right now."

He let out a shaky exhale, his eyes drifting shut. You stayed beside him, wide awake.

The silence seemed to stretch between you, sometimes broken by his uneven breathing and the occasional murmured word as his mind wandered. He rambled faintly, disconnected sentences spilling out of him—something about Gideon, something you couldn't quite catch. You didn't try to make sense of it, just sat with him.

At some point, he slumped sideways, his head landing heavily against your shoulder. He didn't say anything, didn't open his eyes, but you felt his breathing slow and the tightness in his body gradually softened.

You reached for a blanket draped over the couch, carefully tucking it around him. His brow furrowed, and for a brief second, you thought he might wake, but he settled again, his head pressing deeper into your shoulder.

Your gaze flicked to the coffee table once more, the syringe laying there like a conversation waiting for tomorrow. But for now, you stayed still, letting him rest.

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[rainba]

Hihihihi!!! How would the sillies respond to a darling who's self destructive (both socially and physically, like self harm and self sabotage)? I love ur OCS btw ur writing is amazing 💘

Aww, thank youuu!! :3c

And thank you for the ask!! It's really made me think....

Huge warning for these responses, they are very… Dark. If these topics make you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip this one!

TWs/tags: self-harm, toxic behaviors from the yans.. Lots of angst (plus comfort)

For Kairos, it’d be a really unhealthy situation. He, too, engages in really self-destructive behaviors, and if his darling also does it, he’d only end up enabling you even further. In some way, Kairos would see it as “beautiful”, the two of you suffering together at your own hands... He’d be one of those people that would watch you cut yourself and then kiss your scars right after… And then he’d cut himself in the same places, just so you two can “match.”

And if you’re socially self-destructive? Pushing everybody away because you just feel like everyone secretly hates you, or for some other reason? It’s okay– all you need is Kairos, anyway! You can destroy all of your other relationships, so long as you keep Kairos close to you.

He’ll love you forever and ever, you never have to worry about him leaving you. If you push him away, he’ll keep coming back. You could be at your absolute worst, and he’d still view you as a perfect angel. It’s… Not healthy. But he can’t help it.

However– if you were to ever put yourself into any life-threatening situations, or if you genuinely wanted to die, he'd become downright terrified and would try his best to make you stop your self-destructive behaviors. After all, he loves you too much– he doesn’t want you to die. The two of you need to live long, happy lives together! If engaging in all these self-destructive things with you might lead to your death, he’ll do everything in his power to make it stop, and he'll also make sure that the both of you get better. He'll hold your hand every step of the way, recovering alongside you. And he'd never judge you for relapsing.

Basically, it's sort of like this: if you want to get worse, Kairos will also get worse. If you want to get better, Kairos will do everything in his power to help you, and he’d also try to help himself along the way. It’s almost like he’s mirroring you, in some ways.

As for Luka, he’d have a totally opposite reaction to Kairos. He would be enraged that you actively hurt yourself. He’d handle it pretty badly. If he found out that you actively harm yourself, he would refuse to take his eyes off of you and would be monitoring your every movement... You'd suddenly never get a moment to yourself.

When you’re using the bathroom, he’ll be standing next to you the whole time. When you shower, he’ll be showering with you. When you go to sleep, he'll be caging you in his arms.

If you have a job, he might actually force you to quit, just so he can monitor you even further. Either that, or he’ll make you take a temporary leave from work until he knows that you’ve stopped hurting yourself.

It’s… Absolutely not a good way to go about it, he knows this, but it’s the only thing he can think of doing. It's his gut reaction to it all.

Luka would keep asking you ‘why’ as he holds you tightly in his arms, glaring at you while also having pitiful tears in his eyes. For one of the first times in his life, he feels so deeply hurt and confused. He isn't prepared at all to handle the feelings that are bubbling within himself. Luka would also start losing lots of sleep.

When you’re sleeping peacefully in bed beside him, he’d sit up and bed and just… Stare at you for hours.

Slowly, he'd start kissing your cheeks, stroking your hair, and then holding you close as he tries not to be upset with you. He knows that you’re hurting… And he loathes how helpless he feels. While he’s not the biggest advocate for therapy, he would ask you to go see a therapist. He knows that he alone can’t help you– and that it’s impossible for him to just monitor you every second of every day.

If you refuse to see a therapist, he’ll be upset, but he won't force you to go. All he tells you is that if you need it, he’ll listen to you– even though he’s horrible at giving good advice. But at the very least, he’s really good at just listening to you. He’ll remember everything you tell him. And any time you show signs of improvement, he will be proud of you.

As for socially sabotaging yourself, it’s the same as Kairos. All you really need is Luka, so… He won’t stop you from cutting everyone else off. ^^;;

[horrorknife]

its been A Week so i feel comfortable making this post now. just 2 keep my mutuals updated about What’s Up With Me between my million and one mouthwashing text posts: ive been a recovering alcoholic for years and i recently started to relapse pretty badly but i talked it thru with my spouse and im limited to One drink a day now if i even have one at all and ive been sober for a week!!!! which is a lot longer than its been for a little bit!!!!

[chaosmagetwin]

Heh, yeah, that was my reaction too. The original HDG left me thinking "hot concept, could be executed better", and then I read Divaricated and No Gods, No Masters, and both of them permanently altered my brain chemistry to the point I'm fairly sure I'll never be normal again. Abcission is pretty excellent as well!

Abscission had me up until 2 AM last night. I'm very eager to get to the other stories once I finish it up. I'm on chapter 32 now, and I have the feeling I'm near the end <3 I could read about every single character in Abscission individually, and I love all of their POVs so much. Autumn, Dawn, Solanum, Ilex and Hesperia, Pyrus and Qiru... god, I love them all so much. They're fantastic. Spoilers below the line.

I love, especially how there is such care for each other. Solanum is a sadist, but she's not immoral; she cares about consent and safe words and everything that makes a good sadist good. And she's also a depressive wreck dealing with grief really badly in a way that is so fucking human, and dealing with internalized... idk, species phobia? She's a Goth GILF Sadist Plant Lesbian, and so complicated, and so amazing, and she feels so real.

Autumn starts with being a wreck of a human being, and as much as HDG is about wish fulfillment (And there are a lot of wishes being fulfilled here), I appreciate SO FUCKING MUCH that they aren't just curing her. She's disabled by her paranoid delusions, she's suffering, and the writer had the choice to go "Well, the Affini can just cure her", and they didn't. They gave her medication. They talked about medication. They talked her through the delusions, and talked her down when she was at her worst, and she was so tired she let them. She's never cured, her symptoms are lessened, and she's able to manage herself, and it's beautiful. She has several relapses, and her mental health is something that both she and Solanum have to work on together, but they do! And so the trust that Autumn gives to Solanum later isn't just lightly given, it's earned, over and over and over again, until we as readers are thinking that there is NO UNIVERSE in which Solanum EVER means harm to Autumn, and that is if we take out every Solanum scene there is.

And Autumn is helping Solanum, too. She helps give her energy, helps to clean, helps to take care of her, gives her purpose, and love, and desire for life again. Autumn is terminally curious about Solanum, and her culture, and what Solanum wants. She wants to know about Solanum, to understand her, to help her, and she starts learning the language (something I haven't seen any other Floret do). In many ways, the two are equals, at least to each other.

Despite only two POV chapters with Qiru, I adore them deeply, and I am eager to see where the story takes them. Dawn is... adorable. It doesn't help that I know a person just like her in real life who I also find really adorable. And Pyrus's eccentricities and eagerness to pick up human slang, and the way Ilex and Hesperia are so overdramatic and sexy, make the Affini suddenly feel so much more dynamic and beautiful to me. None of them are alike (Except Ilex and Hesperia, for their own weird reasons. Love them for that).

So yeah

I really.... really like Abscission so far.

[gloomysoup]

when the world stops turning (my heart stops beating) - pt. 3

happy holidays to all who celebrate! as it stands, i'm posting this on christmas eve after a full evening with my dad's mom and his siblings and all my cousins, before i go to bed to deal with even more family all day tomorrow (we have my mom's side in the morning for brunch and then my dad's dad's house in the late afternoon/evening) BUT i did FINALLY get this part figured out and i couldn't wait to share it! i would apologize, but we all know i'm not actually sorry... oops

anyway i hope you all enjoy it!

ao3 pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

cw: mentions and discussions of drug use, addiction, sobriety, relapse, referenced overdose, etc. y'know, the usual

The first time Steve ever got high, he was fourteen. Tommy had scored some weed off one of the older basketball guys, Steve’s parents were gone for a weekend. It was perfect. Steve, Tommy, and Carol laid back on the roof of Steve’s childhood home, overlooking the blue glow of the pool and the line of trees beyond the yard, passing a joint back and forth. It was a warm buzz, making his head go all fuzzy. It was nice. Until it wasn't, at least. He liked the feeling of being high. What he didn't like was what came after.

The comedown from that first high was rough, to say the least. Carol was fine; Steve didn't know why it didn't affect her as badly. Steve and Tommy, however, were not so lucky.

It was a while before he ever smoked weed again. He never did anything more than that, though there were plenty of opportunities. And he never smoked alone. It was always parties, or hang outs with Tommy and Carol. It slowed down when he met Nancy. She wasn't a fan of drugs, and always asked him to stop. He never could, but he definitely cut back. Then Nancy shattered his heart, so he picked it back up again. Started smoking on his own. Anything to chase the free feeling of the high. He spent so many nights trying to escape his nightmares and heavy thoughts. He smoked until his head was floating in the clouds. He kept the high until he ultimately passed out, hard, into a fairly dreamless sleep.

And then Starcourt happened.

That was a different high. Slower. It was loose lips, but firm thought. Tethered, but not quite there. It took longer to hit the peak, to really float. When he finally hit it, it was the best he'd felt in a long time. And then he came crashing down. It was the worst he'd felt in his life, aside from the time Billy bashed his head in with a plate. It sucked. It ruined weed for him, if he was honest. Every time he tried after that, his body panicked. His brain would get fuzzy, he'd start to float, and then he'd seize up. His brain would shock him back into reality. He vowed, with the help of Robin, to never get high again. He would finally quit. It wasn't worth the panic attacks and anxiety and trauma response that came with it anymore. He was successful for a while, at least. He'd been sober for almost a year.

That didn't last long after the final battle with Vecna. He and Eddie were friends. They were starting to grow into a little more than that. Steve’s nightmares were awful again. His body was sore and his scars stretched uncomfortably every time he moved. It was Eddie who initially suggested weed, even though he had stopped smoking himself.

“It's actually a pretty good method for pain management,” he said with a shrug. “You just gotta be careful about it. Stick to the natural stuff.”

Eddie didn't know that Steve was sober. Steve never told him. He'd been itching for a good high again anyway; something to clear his head, take some of the pain away, get a good night’s sleep for once. Eddie had handed him an extra joint, leftover from his own stash that he hadn't touched in weeks. Steve went home that night and lit a joint for the first time in almost a year. His sobriety went down the drain, just like that. The worst part? He didn’t even regret it. Not one bit.

He didn't tell Robin. He couldn't. He knew she'd be disappointed in him. She would go back to watching him like a hawk, following him around, and never leaving him alone long enough to even think about getting high. She'd spend every night with him, just like she did those first few months before. He couldn't let her do that to herself again. Not when she was doing so well with Vickie. He wasn't going to ruin her good thing with his own problems. So Robin never knew he relapsed. And Eddie never knew that he was supposed to be sober. He never told a soul.

Steve carried it with him for years. Every time he lit a joint instead of a cigarette, he thought about Robin. Two puffs in, he wasn’t thinking about her anymore, just how nice it felt. He smoked until his head was empty and floating, and then he smoked some more. He smoked by himself a lot. Then the band got recognized, and they were all smoking again too. Steve would smoke with them any chance he got. He never told anyone the secrets he was hiding. He never told anyone the weed wasn’t quite enough anymore. He was perfectly content with what he had, sure, but some deep part of him itched for more. He got cross-faded more times than he could count, just to feel something more.

His first experience with harder drugs was at a party with the band. Their manager had gotten them an invite for promotional purposes. There were supposed to be some high-end producers and such they wanted to network with, and Steve always went with them to these sorts of things. It was innocent, at first. Steve stepped out on the back deck of whatever big shot artist’s house they were at to light a cigarette while Eddie talked music with some people in the living room.

He took a deep inhale, feeling the nicotine saturate his lungs before he blew out the smoke. What he really wanted was some weed, but Eddie had it all on him and Steve didn't want to bother them. This was good for the band. They needed this. Still, a cigarette couldn't only do so much for the itch under Steve’s skin. He had a beer on the railing in front of him, but that's not what he needed. He took another inhale, holding it, hoping it would keep him satisfied until Eddie brought him a joint. It wasn't really working, but Steve was trying to convince himself otherwise.

“Mind if I join you?”

Steve turned to see a slightly older man standing in the doorway. He vaguely recognized him as another musician, but couldn't place his name. “No, not at all. Honestly, I could probably use the company.”

The man nodded and stepped onto the deck, closing the sliding glass door behind him. He took up a place beside Steve, holding out his hand. “Billy.”

Steve laughed at the irony and took his hand. “Of course you are. I'm Steve.”

Billy gave him a curious look. “Something wrong with my name, Steve?”

He shook his head. “No, not at all. It's just a little funny, I guess. I knew a guy named Billy once. Broke a plate over my head, gave me a nasty concussion, and then he died a few months later in a fire at the mall I used to work at. The universe likes to have a good laugh, apparently.”

“Ah, yeah, I'd probably feel the same way then.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a joint, gesturing toward Steve. “Mind if I light?”

“Only if you share,” Steve replied with a laugh before taking another drag of his cigarette.

“Of course, man.” Steve watched Billy pull a lighter from his pocket and light the joint, taking a puff before holding it out toward Steve.

Steve stubbed out his cigarette on the wood railing before taking the joint between his fingers. He took a deep drag, holding it for one, two, three seconds, and then breathing it out slowly. He looked up at the stars as he passed it back. “God, that's exactly what I needed.”

“Tough day?”

Steve shrugged. “More like a tough life. I'd usually be smoking by now anyway, but my, uh, friend has all the weed on him. He's busy talkin’ shop with some other music guys in there, and I didn't wanna bother them. It's important to him.”

“Not your scene then, I take it?”

Steve huffed, taking the joint back between his fingers. “I'm more… emotional support for his band, I guess. Though, I'm not sure they ever needed it. They do just fine on their own.”

“I'm sure they appreciate it anyway.” Billy glanced back at the house as he took the last drag before putting it out. “What do you say we go back in, Steve? I know a guy upstairs with something a little better than weed, if you're interested.”

“Hell, at this point, I might try just about anything. I don't do needles, though. Bad experiences and all.”

Billy laughed and motioned with his head. “Promise, no needles unless you ask.”

“Lead the way, then.”

Steve was floating on the best high of his life. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he didn't really care. He hung out upstairs with Billy and some other industry people for God only knows how long, smoking and laughing and snorting lines of cocaine. Eventually, Steve stumbled his way back downstairs with Billy, laughing the whole way. He bumped into Eddie, physically running into his back where he was scanning the house.

Eddie turned and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist, holding him up. “There you are. I was wondering where you went.”

“Eddie!” Steve exclaimed, grinning brightly. He turned to Billy, who had his arm around Steve’s shoulders. “Billy, Billy, this is him. This is Eddie.”

“Oh, yeah! So you're Eddie! You've- you've got a good one, man. Steve's such a riot.”

Eddie seemed taken aback at first, looking between the two of them. His eyebrows furrowed as he took in Steve’s slightly disheveled appearance and wide eyes. “Steve, are you high right now?”

Steve giggled, leaning his face into Eddie’s neck. “Soooo high, baby. I feel great.”

“Alright, I think it's time we go home,” Eddie declared. “Come on, let's go find the guys.”

“But I don't wanna leave,” Steve whined with a pout. “I wanna dance, Eddie. Can't we dance? Please?”

“We can dance at home, Steve. Come on. It's time to go.”

“No fun,” he huffed.

“Steve, look, here, I’ll give you my number,” Billy said, still leaning heavily against him. “You call me. We’ll hang out again sometime, yeah?”

“Definitely. Definitely do that.”

It took Eddie fifteen minutes to drag Steve through the house and track down the rest of his friends. When they found the rest of them, Jeff frowned at Steve.

“What's up with him? Is he okay?”

“Apparently the whole time we were talking to that producer, my boyfriend was getting high off his ass with Billy Corgan. I'm sure he’ll be fine once he sleeps it off.”

“Wait, Billy Corgan?” Gareth asked, eyes wide. “Like the Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins?”

“Apparently they're best friends now.”

“Oh, yeah, Billy’s great,” Steve said through another bout of giggles, leaning all his body weight on Eddie. He cupped his hand around his mouth to whisper, but it wasn't really a whisper. “He knows who has all the good shit, guys.”

“Okay, he is really high,” Grant said. “Guess that's our cue to leave?”

“I don't care if you guys want to stay, but I'm taking Steve home. Just didn't wanna leave without letting you know.”

When Steve and Eddie finally got back to the apartment, Steve sloppily kissed Eddie in the entryway. His hand slipped under Eddie’s shirt, but Eddie pulled him back.

“Baby, no, not tonight,” he murmured. He pushed a lock of hair from Steve’s face. “You're too high for that right now. You need sleep.”

“Want you, though,” Steve whispered, ducking down to suck at his jaw and throat.

“Steve, no. I'm serious. You need to sleep this off.”

Steve huffed, a pout on his full lips. Eddie kissed him softly before wrapping his arm around his waist and leading him to the bedroom. Steve slumped back against the bed immediately upon impact. Eddie carefully and gently undressed him before tucking him into bed. He brought a water bottle and some meds for the morning, placed them on the bedside table, and then changed his own clothes. Steve was out like a light, snoring softly. Eddie held him all night, unable to sleep. He'd never seen Steve get that high before. Part of him worried it was more than weed, but he trusted Steve. He'd ask him in the morning, but he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't think Steve would do more than that. He didn't think he had to worry.

The next morning, Eddie made sure Steve was safe and okay before bringing it up.

“So, last night,” he said over breakfast, poking around at the scrambled eggs he'd whipped up for them.

“Oh, right! How'd it go with that, what was he, a producer?”

“It was fine, but that's not what I'm talking about, Steve.”

Steve frowned. “What is it then?”

Eddie swallowed, not looking at Steve. “You were really high when I finally found you after you wandered off. I need you to be honest, Steve. What did you take?”

“It was weed, Ed. Strong weed, but just weed.”

“You promise?” He looked up, meeting Steve’s eyes. “You promise it's just weed, Steve? I can’t- You have to understand how dangerous that other shit is. I can't lose you to it.”

Steve smiled so easily, like he wasn't lying right to Eddie’s face. Like he didn't have a baggie of coke in the pocket of his jeans, which were laying on the bedroom floor. “I promise that's all it is.”

And Eddie believed him, like an idiot. He trusted him, because it was so easy to fall for those eyes and that smile. He didn't think Steve would ever do anything like that. He had no reason to believe otherwise. He didn't know that Steve had been sober for almost a year before that spring break from Hell.

Steve lied for years, to everyone. He was good at it. It was easy. He didn't even think twice before the lies tumbled past his lips. The problem was how simple it was to score. How easy. He never had to turn far. He was listed as a personal assistant to the band. He was handing drugs to pass on to them all the time, but Corroded Coffin didn't do any of that stuff. They always turned it down. They knew what it did to people, especially in the industry. It was a dangerous thing. Every time the members ignored the drugs being passed to them, Steve slipped them in his pocket instead. No one ever noticed. The more fame and recognition the band got, the easier it became for Steve to score whatever he wanted. Pills, tabs, cocaine, heroin, the works. He never strayed far from coke and pills, still wary of needles from the Russians, but it was a high he couldn't get with weed alone. It was addicting. He wouldn't have been able to stop on his own even if he wanted to.

He snuck off to do a line or two every chance he got. If the band’s backs were turned for even a few seconds, he was popping a couple of colorful pills. He smoked weed every other night, whenever Eddie wanted to smoke. He smoked on his own occasionally, slowing down his body through the rush of a good high. It was nothing like he’d ever experienced before, and he couldn't get enough of it.

Then he was at the biggest show of Eddie’s career. Sold out at Madison Square Garden. Roaring crowds, electricity flowing through Steve’s veins. He was only going to do a quick line. He just wanted to keep the energy, soothe the itch. One line turned to two, then three, then some pills. Then everything went dark.

The first thought to cross his mind as his vision tunneled and his body began to shut down was that he should have told them the truth. He never should have lied to Eddie, or Robin. He never should have taken that joint from Eddie all those years ago. He should still be sober. But he wasn't, and now he was going to die, and it's his own fault. He fell to his vices. He didn't talk to Robin, like he always promised he would do if the urges came back. Instead, he got into the harder stuff, and now it was going to kill him. The clock had finally run out. The Reaper was knocking on his door.

That would be the end of Steve Harrington.

-----

tag list: @mugloversonly @djohawke @acowardinmordor @hallucinatedjosten @geekyfifi @slowandsteddie @estrellami-1 @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @canmargesimpson

(if you saw this upload twice no you didn't. i definitely didn't forget the tag list)

[confusedcunny]

Please make me relapse

I feel like I've kinda been out of the detrans kink for a bit. Taking my t-shots on time, growing out my body hair, wearing boxershorts and feeling pretty manly.

I need to relapse, badly. I need to be made dumber, girlier, hornier, sluttier. Does anyone have any ideas, challenges or content to do that? Like, feel free to send me any asks or dm's and suggestions. Challenges, hypno's or spirals, just a conversation, pics, suggestions, ideas, asks, anything is welcome.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

U MADE IT THROUGH THE BEHEMOTH FIGHT!!!!!!!!! giving u blanket & choccy milk etc. it is an Arc!! not as bad as the s9 n stuff imo. but.its heavy. so much fucking happens. man. at least chevalier isn't dead. anyway if u have any thoughts on the All Of It u know im always curious!! but also just celebrating with u!!! yeaaa wahoo arc 25 time :]]]

SO MUCH STUFF HAPPENED THERE I DONT EVEN KNOW WJERE TO FUCKING STAAAART MAN. holy shit. God. fuck. okay. regent. first of all. what the fuck man. I thought for sure he was about to have a whole arc coming up what with Heartbreaker apparently pushing his way into BB !!!! FUCK!!! I hope imp kills his ass so badly. taylor is once again put in a position where she feels like she's betraying the undersiders trust what with the video being posted online. god. I really really hope they don't take that out on her. that situation just felt so fucking dire from start to finish. I KNEW some people weren't gonna get out of there alive but... goddamn. forces were fucking decimated. I know there's a boost in public perception considering the fact that behemoth is FUCKING DEAD but at the same time like.... how the hell are they gonna recover from this. I mean. whatever they've done it countless times before apparently but. man. nothing compares to the feeling of dread immediately following reading an endbringer attack. fuck.

HEY??? SCION ACTING ON HIS KILL ORDERS BTW. FUCK ME UP. OHHHH U KNOW IM THINKING ABT THIS SO HARD. why the fuck did it take him so long to get there? what was he DOING. he finally acted on his kill orders. fuck. I csnt even put my thoughts abt this into words apparently im just fucking speechless over it. you're telling me he had this capability the whole time. God. what else is he gonna do. kind of holding out for a scion mad god arc or something. idk. man. it feels like the foundations of the world have fucking shifted .

also!!!!!!!! EXTREMELY delighted to know golem was theo this whole time !!!!!!! I've been dying 2 see theo again and I'm SO excited he's golem specifically because HE DID SO MUCH IN THAT FIGHT. HE DID SO MUCH. HE WAS HUGE. his big hands were one of the biggest things slowing down behemoth I'm so proud of him. I'm so ridiculously attached to this kid apparently even tho I know something terrible is probably gonna happen to him. can't wait to see how he helps bring about the apocalypse. really glad he's on a wards team and not a villain. that just makes me happy :]

uhhhhhh bringing this full circle thinking about the undersiders now. bow the hell are they gonna cope with regents loss. badly I bet. pretty good it doesn't seem. predictions i think brian is going to have a bad relapse with his trauma, imp is gonna go murder revenge arc on heartbreaker, tattletale is going to try to hold things together but not be good at it, Rachel is going to live on the other side of the portal with her dogs and be also bad at coping with things. idfk. still extremely emotional over that shot of rachel and taylor sleeping in the helicopter though. man. huge wolfspider w but at what cost. somethingsomething taylor telling her to be with imp while she copes w regents death even if she doesn't say anything her presence is still good. cut to rachel being there for her in the aftermath of everything and letting her fall asleep. and trusting her enough to also fall asleep. feeling a big type of way about that. fuck all the plot stuff im thinking about my bug dog yuri now

[locke-esque-monster]

So this has been bouncing around in my head a few weeks, but I didn't have the mental bandwidth to write it out until now.

I think one of the most frustrating things about season 4 of TUA is the lack of arcs the characters had.

Like, it was just a bunch of things all happening to the characters. But it wasn't actually building to anything. Which is especially frustrating when you factor in the ending where they all sacrifice themselves to save the world. That's something you need to build up. And they gave it what, 20 minutes maybe? A joke or two, some agony about saying goodbye to the kids (for the 2 women and briefly Klaus - no acknowledge really of the fact all of the rest of guys are also parents/uncles here, or a goodbye to Lila's extended family really).

But that's it.

If you're going to kill off these characters, and wait to drop this info in the last episode, then you need to build to it one of two ways.

Either they have everything to lose or nothing to lose.

Option 1: With everything to lose you find out that all, or most of these characters are pretty happy with their lives after Reginald's reset. They're fulfilled, and maybe life isn't what they pictured, but they're happy with their lives, families, and careers. Then you have the Marigold plot pop in, they get their powers back, and everything goes to hell. They spend the season dealing with it, eventually realizing they can't exist, they fuck up the timeline by merely existing. And despite the happiness they finally found, they sacrifice themselves to save the world. They got a little taste of happiness, but they know they can't keep it. And they understand it's worth it to save the world.

Option 2: They have nothing to lose. If not all of them, most of them are struggling without their powers and the new world they've fallen into. When the Marigold comes back into play, they, for the most part, want it back. It gives them their purpose back, and they have to come to terms with how they feel when they're happy (or at least happier) with powers, despite their childhoods. But that doesn't fix the universe breaking either. When they realize they're the problem, they accept that maybe the best thing they can do is use those powers to save the world for everyone else. Because they're never going to find that happiness they've searched for and their unhappy existence isn't worth the rest of the world suffering.

Now you could argue season 4 tries to do option 2. But if so, it's VERY badly. It sort of starts out showing everyone is unhappy, but then they some of them figure out what they're doing wrong, and then, oh by the way it doesn't matter, you all have to die.

But let's give it a rundown:

Diego and Lila are unhappy with their family/relationship/careers and they figure out maybe they want to fix their relationship but also Lila had an affair and lost 7 years of her life? And the relationship issues and if they can save their marriage aren't resolved before they die.

We have literally no idea if Five is happy or unhappy. He's just learning plot information for the first few episodes and bouncing off other characters (like Lila and Diego) until he's unceremoniously thrown into an affair. Of which he has no time to work out how he feels about life after that because he's going to die.

Klaus is unhappy but we don't know why he went drug-free to a living ball of anxiety. He unwillingly gets his powers back, relapses, and after some more trauma, gets clean (if we count deleted scenes which I don't). Oh and hours later he dies - permanently.

Allison is unhappy, but once again we don't know why her career and marriage failed. Or how we got to the current dynamic of her, Klaus, and Claire. But sure, her and Klaus and Claire fight about a relationship we don't understand, then they go save Klaus, just before dying.

Victor seems somewhat happy, but not 100%, since he can't keep a relationship. He deals with trauma from his dad, tries and fails to save Ben, and then dies.

Luther didn't find Sloane and we have no idea why. He didn't move on with a new person (despite being conventionally attractive with more experience and freedom than he did before). He's working as a stripper, and living in their abandoned old house (of sorts). We really do nothing with any of this, other than as gags. And then Diego reassures Luther he's smart for catching the issue at the CIA. So we'll assume he's maybe a little unhappy, but apparently we don't care about Luther - let's just give him a few jokes before he dies.

Ben is unhappy, fresh out of jail, and presumably missing his Sparrow family. He meets Jennifer, falls ridiculously fast for Jennifer, in a way that makes him happy but makes no sense, turns into a monster and dies.

None of this is a clear point of view the characters are unhappy or happy, and none of them actually get resolution to any of their arcs. Stuff just happens, it sucks, then they have to die.

I don't feel like I should have to say this, but that isn't how you end a show.

[thegoober010]

HELLO! PAW PRINT ANON IS BACK!

I ABSOLUTELY ADORED THE ONESHOT!!! IM GOING INSANE ITS SO GOOD!!!

I have a bit of a different request this time! (It’s not Mettaton, I know, shocking.)

Could you do some Sans x reader headcanons? Preferably hurt/comfort if thats alright :33

IF IM SENDING TOO MANY REQUESTS PLEASEEE DO SAY SO!! I DONT WANNA OVERWORK YOU!!!

-🐾

AAAAAA IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT <333!!!

AND ITS TOTALLY FINE PAW PRINT ANON MWEHEHHE DW I LOVE DOING REQUESTS <333!!! AND OMG ITS NOTR METTATON RELATED!!!?!??!? shocking!!! absolutely BAFFLING!!

JKJK LMAO OFC I CAN DO THIS :)!! IT WOULD BE HELPFUL FOR NESXT TIME BTW LIKE WHAT TYPE OF HURT LIKE IF THE READER GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH THEM OR MAYBE THEY NEED COMFORT AFTER A BREAKUP OR IF THEY NEED COMFORT AFTER RELAPSING, AN ED, OR SUM THATD BE HELPFUL FOR NEXT TIME BTW <33!! IMA JUST DO IT THAT THEY HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK TODAY THE READER WORKS AT LIKE GRILBYS OR SUM TEEHEE

SANS X READER HERE WE GOOO 🗣🗣🗣

TW/CW -> None really- Just a depressed reader!

word count -> 1k/1164! I didnt write as much on this post sorry!! im pretty tired rn its 1:15 am where im at rn LMAOOO

"Are you alright?"

Fuck your life, you just came back to the house after a long, grueling, shitty shift. You were so tired you almost collapsed onto the snow before you even made it home. You just wished it was peaceful for once, that you didn't feel burnt out, overwhelmed all the time, you just wanted to sleep and never wake up, maybe then you wouldn't feel so tired. As you opened the door you placed your bag on the couch and made your way to San's room, who was not only your best friend but your boyfriend as well. He always helped you, even though you didn't particularly enjoy talking about your feelings to him especially on nights like this he was always there for you, always making sure you were okay and took care of yourself and had a good rest after these long days. You mumbled to yourself as you opened the door to his room until you realized. "Fuck he's not here." You grumbled. You rubbed your temple as you sat on his bed, you were stressed and you needed him. Why can't he just be there for you? Why does he always have to be off somewhere else and then appear late whenever you need him. It pissed you off even more, you knew you were thinking irrationally, he was always there for you it's only a few times where he can't be and is busy, you were just too stressed to think properly though, too stressed to even think about anything else besides how badly you just need someone to help you out right now. You crawled on top of his bed, covering yourself with the blanket. The shift was honestly terrible, many customers were overly rude at Grilby's today, mostly newcomers, and it was so damn busy you couldn't really do much about those people/monsters, you were so frustrated by all the orders and all the insults thrown your way, in fact you got way less tips than usual which caused you to be even more upset, money wasn't much of a problem but come on! Tears swelled up in your eyes from all the built up frustration from not just this shift, but all the past shifts that were almost the exact same situation, you hated working on those days and how underemployed that place was because you had to work twice as hard due to that as well.

After a good 10 minutes of you laying on the bed, muttering to yourself about all the stuff that happened and about how much you just needed someone for once and crying silently, you heard the door creak open. You wiped away your tears quickly with the blanket, shifting slightly and pretending to fall asleep. You knew it was sans and if he sees you like this he'd ask, and you don't want to bother him with any of your problems. "I know you're not asleep." Sans said walking up to you, he sat on the bed near you. "What happened?" he asked. You let out a sigh as you hugged the blanket tighter. "I don't want to talk about it." You grumbled, your tone annoyed with a hint of sadness. Sans stared at you for a bit before fixing your hair. "Are you sure? I mean you've been coming home more upset than usual, is work alright? Anything happening?" Sans questioned, his tone of voice growing more concerned. You furrowed your brows as you could feel the corners of your eyes sweet up with tears once more. You covered yourself with the blanket, not even daring to look at Sans. "Stop it, just STOP. I told you I'm fine! You don't have to pry into every little detail of my life I just want you here with me I don't want you digging into this I told you I'm fine, I just wanted you here with me, fuck." you yelled at first, calming your voice down as to not wake up Papyrus and to try to calm yourself down. Your voice cracks, you didn't really mean to come off as rude, you're just tired, you don't want him to get worried or to try and fix your problems, you just want him there with you, to give you a hug or just give you comforting words, you don't want him prying too much into this, you don't want him getting worried.

Sans seemed taken aback by your remark. He stayed quiet for a bit before nodding, he understood how you felt. Everyone has different ways they deal with this situation and how they want others to react, some want others to pry into their life and try to help solve their problems, others just want them to be there with them during this but not get too involved in the situation and many other things, everyone reacts differently to this much stress. Of course he was a bit shocked and to be honest a little hurt by your words but he knows you're just stressed and don't mean to be rude. He truly does understand, he knows how you feel, so he will be there for you. "You're obviously not fine, but I understand you don't want me to be involved in the situation, you just want me to be there for you, I understand." Sans replied, he gave you a comforting pat on the shoulder before laying with you on the bed. He let out a long sigh as he crossed his arms behind his head. "Take some deep breathes, that usually helps with stress, and make sure to sleep well." Sans said, you nodded. "Come on, let's take a few deep breathes." Sans said, you rolled your eyes but it does usually help. You did as he said and took a few small and quick deep breathes, trying to make the tension in your body disappear and just try to relax. "Feeling any better?" Sans asked, you shook your head no which caused him to chuckle a bit. "Yeah I kinda thought so. Deep breathes won't immediately make you feel bette but it helps with tension, for now just rest, cry if you want, I'm here for you alright... I won't judge you for being emotional okay. I love you too much for that." Sans said giving a reassuring hand on your shoulder. You nodded, you turned your head to face him and give him a small smile. "I appreciate that.." you muttered, he gives you a quick nod. "No need to do that, just rest, I'm here for you. No matter what happens remember that okay, I'll always be here for you." Sans replied, he wrapped an arms around you, pulling you closer. You let out a soft sigh as you moved closer to him, you closed your tired eyes and felt yourself slowly start to fall asleep in his arms. He kept his arm wrapped around you and watched you slowly fall asleep.

"Sleep well, I'm here, okay."

[silly-art-stuff]

Shoutout to that person making mindverse notes cause it pushed me to continue doing mine 👍

anyways, eps 1-4 of Stark's Mind :3

Episode 1

OK there's not a whole lot of interesting things in ep 1, tbh

A nature person

Was never involved with the departments that dealt with lasers/plasma

Never met Gina Cross

OK that's, literally anything interesting said in this episode uhhh WOO

Episode 2

Apparently Black Mesa changed a lot from when he first started working there? Unless there's a different reason he doesn't know where the test labs are

“now it looks structurally sound” boy what are you talking about…

“Guess that makes this the left way then?” SHUT UP (LOVINGLY)

“I didn't eat breakfast at all.” THIS MAN WAS GOING THROUGH ALL THESE EPISODES WITHOUT EATING ANYTHING WHATSOEVER???

babygirl steal some snacks from the vending machine please 💔

“Do we not have mirrors?” where are the mirrors…

“Somebody probably thought the rotating panels looked cool even though it's 2009.” (I don't have a comment lmao)

“I'm pretty sure you don't need to put a warning sign here” He says… about a fucking laser containment tube that would need a caution sign

“He wanted to recreate the Big Bang back when I was working here” I'm sorry what?

Likes white noise

“Gordon, I should've never answered your call and stayed away!” I really like that line so much

PRINNAMON WHEN I GET YOU (TYSM FOR THE CAPTIONS THEY ARE A LIFE SAVER)

Episode 3

“We did this… I did this..” Oh babygirl…

not specifically this episode, but he uses repeated phrases to cope (ex. ‘I did this’, ‘this isn't real’)

“Fucking demons!” That's one way to see them!

“How about I fuck you up with a fucking chair! Dick.” He's such a loser I hate him (lovingly)

again not a whole lot this episode, r.i.p </3

Episode 4

“It's important to stay composed in a critical situation, I mean, it's not like people are dead because of me!” Hes coping so badly ougj..

“You just need to kick them” PUNT THEM LIKE A FOOTBALL (or soccer if you're British)

“That's a little too close to my cranium” nerd ass has to use the scientific word instead of just head 🙄

“and I'm kinda falling into a relapse right now.” Hey? huh???

“Another person dead ‘cause I’m a moron!” You really couldn't have grabbed him man, he was doomed 💔

“Protect me crowbar!” dork ass <3

[cruorcrave]

17 January 2025

(TL;DR at the end.)

It's a bit of a negative one today. The actual day was fine but my mental health... not so much.

I had therapy this morning. It was really great to see my therapist again and was a huge relief to get some stuff of my chest, but I didn't bring up any of the more serious stuff. I didn't bring up that I'm only 6 days clean. I didn't bring up that 6 days is actually a fucking miracle for me. I didn't say anything about the autovampirism or the blood or anything. I talked about how hard it is for me to open up because of all of my shame and guilt and she was helpful with that at least.

The overseas trip is rapidly approaching. When I get back, I'm planning to move to the city, and it's such a complex mix of emotions that I am both excited for and terrified of. I'll have a lot more independence, and the freedom to express myself. That freedom is both exhilarating and horrifying. Yes, I'll be more comfortable in therapy (it's over Zoom so unless I'm home alone I rarely actually speak 100% truthfully.. sigh) and I'll have more resources being in an urban centre. But at the same time, I will have a lot more freedom to hurt myself. I think I am incapable of truly getting across how terrified I am of that concept. And yet I want it. I want the freedom to mutilate myself, only having to cover my body occasionally for when my mother is around. I hate that I'm admitting that. I feel so fucking ashamed to admit that. But I want that freedom. I want to be able to tear myself apart and I'm almost certain it will happen after I move.

Also, unfortunately, I've barely been able to sleep recently. I've spent the last few nights tossing and turning, agonising over literally every misstep I've ever taken. I haven't felt this insecure in so long. I just feel so awful about myself. I just keep going over and over everything I've done, or not done, or said or not said. I'm so fucking exhausted. I wish I could live without constantly overanalysing myself in order to try and be better. I'm sick of falling asleep at 3am after going to bed at 10pm. I wish I could make mistakes without feeling as though it's a reflection of my entire person. I wish that being a bit too loud in one conversation didn't make me feel violently ill to the point I never want to speak again.

Anyway, good stuff. Uhhh the weather was nice today, and I ate some nice food. I made guacamole in my molcajete this morning and it was delicious. No jalapeño to go in it though, sadly. Bought some port wine jelly (jello for my American moots) that I put in the fridge to set earlier. I wanted something nostalgic (and coincidentally dark red, oops, hopefully that doesn't trigger anything) and I'm looking forward to eating some tomorrow when it's set! Therapy was good, I just can't wait until I can talk to her more openly. Excited for seeing my friend in a few days to hang out! And looking forward to the overseas trip - this time next week I'll be seeing snow!! (I've seen it before but barely, only on mountain tops and one freak snowfall in my town).

Song of the Day: Routines in the Night - Twenty One Pilots

TL;DR:

Been pretty shit mentally. Had therapy this morning which was good but I still can't open up properly. Too much shame blocking it. Terrified for when I get back from overseas because I'm basically 99% sure I'll relapse really badly once I move out. Been almost incapable of sleeping recently. Overanalysing myself again, trying to be perfect. Hanging out with my friend in a few days which I'm excited for. Only about a week left until the holiday. Excited but terrified. And I'm 6 days clean!!

Clean since 11 January 2025

[youremyheaven]

I’m a Pushya sun and my ex was Uttara Phalguni sun and rising. When things were good they were GREAT, however when things were bad it was an absolute nightmare.

He was extremely judgemental towards my body count and sexual history. I told him if it’s a problem let’s just break up bc I literally cannot change it. He told me that I “wasn’t just some girl”, so he’ll have to overcome it. Proceeded to spend the majority of the relationship berating me for it, calling me a slut and a prostitute. He said the cruelest things a person has ever said to me. He said 99% of men would never love me and he was the 1% of idiots that did. When I finally cracked and went crazy and shouted at him, he held that over my head and i felt terrible for it. At that point we were smoking a lot of weed, and I could barely even process my emotions, it was terrible. I explained all the terrible symptoms I was experiencing and told him I would stop. All the symptoms I said, he told me is what he feels like all the time for years (because he had been smoking like this long before he met me). He told me he would stop as well. That was a lie.

He got super violent, would beat me up so badly during sex, would also pressure me into having sex with him - he would ask over and over and over again until I said yes. He also knew he was doing this cos one time he asked me if I felt pressured by him to have sex and I said yes and he got so angry AT ME for him pressuring me. There was an instance where he hit me across the head and it hurt so bad I had trouble hearing for days and I told him that he hit me too hard, my ears are ringing and he just giggled and said “I know”.

A month before our relationship ended I found out he had a tik tok account where he would post alpha male podcast clips (keep in mind we’re grown adults) - had no idea about this the entire relationship. Also, he pretty much lied to me about everything (granted he has a Rahu moon) even the most stupid things like liking anime for example. I just thought it was cringe and I didn’t watch it at all, and he lied and said he felt the same - come to find he had like anime pfp for a bunch of his online accounts. Lied to me about his family, where he came from, friends, romantic and sexual history, his interests, likes and dislikes, so many things. I had also found a message from a dating app on his phone.

The relationship ended after I found out he relapsed again and completely lied to me about it and was cancelling plans with me just to smoke and play video games with his friends. When I broke up with him, he begged me stay, said no one had ever loved and cared for him this much except for his mother, all of these things. Made me even more confused as to why he treated me like I was the devil then?? I was past the point of conversation so it was just a bad ending. He punched my mattress and told me I would regret leaving him. That was the last I ever saw him.

Goes without saying I learnt a bunch from that relationship! I’m pretty sure he hated my guts but I took care of him and met a lot of his basic needs (Maslow’s hierarchy) so he kept me around to fulfil them. I think he was also just possessive; he didn’t want me but more than that he didn’t want to see me with anyone else. Some of the worst days of my life were in this relationship but in a weird way I feel like this was Saturn teaching me a lesson - I was an idiot who literally forgot who I was for this relationship, made it my number one priority, and had zero self-esteem or self-advocacy. So many points where I should’ve walked away but I learnt the hard way. Never again!!

I am so glad you got out of that relationship!!! Please stay safe!!! Thank you so much for sharing your experience because in my own experiences my yoni consort has been toxic and abusive as well (it does not compare to yours at all tho). I wish you so much peace and healing. You're so strong 🫶

Side note: have you guys ever noticed how a Nodal person seems to be proud of/brag about their interests if at all they have any?? 8/10 they'll be lying about the depth of their involvement in it too lol?? Is it bc Nodal people find it hard to connect to things so when they do, they're just like 😤imma make this my whole personality 😤my ex spoke about how obsessed he was with Greek mythology and how much money he spent on Greek mythology books but he could never talk about it at length?? (he also had substance issues so i attributed it to that tbh)

[urlocalsadkid-l]

this is going to be a really long list of some stuff that’s been happening.

so like to start im friends with this one boy and we started dating on the tenth, he’s really sweet and we were, are, really really good friends and really close. close to the point where the line of platonic and romantic mixed with feelings. he’s older than me. he’s coming over saturday, and i don’t know what’s going to happen. i’m really scared but excited i know he would never do anything to knowingly hurt me in any way but since we became a “couple” he’s shown his horny side and like it’s nice to see that side but him and i have eventually talked about eventually having sex and that’s a scary ass thought because i don’t want that to happen like i want to kiss him and whatnot but i don’t want to have sex and it’s really really scary because i’m not ready. i told him this today because he was pressing for what’s wrong and i told him that much because it was bothering me and now we’re still talking about it nd i don’t know what to do

i’ve also relapsed, i was still on the app at this time but i still need to say that. i tore skin. not anything much, i just lost it and started scratching at my skin till it bled and then started sobbing when it bled because i threw over two years of work down the drain. i feel like shit but seeing that blood felt amazing. i also accidentally nic-ed myself in the shower and it wouldn’t stop bleeding and i felt amazing even though it was an accident. i was so proud of myself that it wouldn’t stop. i want to relapse again so badly, but seriously relapse.

i know i’m supposed to be happy. i don’t have any reason not to be. i don’t know why i am like this. i really hate being like this. why am i like this??? i don’t know what’s wrong with me. why can’t i be normal. i want to fucking die. why do i not know who i am? why do i have to be liked? why do i have to be smart? why can’t i just sleep forever? just let me die.

also i miss her.<3 so much it makes me feel ill. i’m getting over her. i’m fine with talking to her, i can have conversations and smile and be a polite human. i think i just miss what could have been. like all of my friends are pretty but she’s super pretty. and i get it sounds dumb, but i don’t care, she’s gorgeous. she’s also really sweet and kind. i really like her, i’m glad we are still friends, though now i could never imagine us going back to the way we were. i don’t have a thing for her anymore. i really don’t. i miss the memories, and what could have been. honestly her and i are better off friends because we could have never worked. things could have ended better, but it’s okay, no way to change it at all.

also my food thing is getting bad again. like the last weekend, i only had a total of like two meals? three? i don’t know. no snacks either. i feel so dumb. why can’t i be skinny? i’m so fat i hate it so much, it makes me want to rip off my skin and put it in a blender. why can’t i be pretty and skinny and gorgeous and liked and popular and funny and so much more?

why? why on earth was i decided to be a target for all this? why can’t i just look normal, and be normal?? why do i have to think the way i do? or act or talk to look? i want to be normal. i don’t care about how i am. i want to change. i’m fucking losing it and want to sob.

also him.423 and i had something happen. i don’t know what. but we don’t talk now. we haven’t talked since jan 28th. i don’t know how i feel. hurt, i guess. i really don’t know what i did. i mean, he’s not good for me, he doesn’t treat me right, he doesn’t care about me. it really sucks.