#i just really dislike knowing academically that i am hungry

[madtomedgar]

When will my appetite return from the war

[warping-realities]

Dalton Academy - Power Hungry

“Let me see if I understood correctly. A fancy school is offering me a scholarship for my senior year for no apparent reason, just like that?”

Michael asked with an expression divided in equal parts of disbelief at the proposal and disgust at the male figure sitting in front of him in the modest but comfortable living room of his family. The surprise was genuine, as well as the disgust, although there was no concrete reason for the second, after all the blond, muscular and well-dressed young man in front of him had not treated him with anything other than respect and politeness. But that air of arrogance, of knowing the world was there to serve him, was for Michael the essence of white privilege, and therefore the antipathy was... inevitable.

"I wouldn't define Dalton Academy as just a 'fancy school,' Mr Jones, nor would the invitation be a no-brainer. Dalton is an extremely exclusive school and all students are handpicked, the school board makes no mistakes, accepts only senior high school boys and the only ways to get in is if you are a legacy like me or by invitation like you, if you accept of course. So sorry, but if you are among this year's choices it's because someone saw something of value in you.

Conclued the boy, and Michael couldn't help feeling that the boy himself, Chadwick Wentworth Hartfield IV, was not among those who had seen that value in Michael. Asshole. But if that typical Chad thought Michael was going to lick his feet just because of his last name and an invitation to a prestigious school, he would discover that he was dealing with a personality that was pure steel. He would obviously accept the proposal, studying in a place like Dalton would be extremely beneficial for his studies and his academic future. Even if for that he needed to put up with figures like the one that was placed in front of him at that moment.

"May I ask why the school sent a student who hasn't even started the year to talk to me, instead of a teacher or an alumnus?"

" The council asked me to come to your house as they believe that our proximity in age will facilitate your adaptation to The school. And why I was chosen has to do with what I told you before, I am a legacy, my father studied in Dalton, in fact all my male ancestors have studied there since the opening of the school at the end of the 19th century. You could say that Dalton is part of my heritage. A heritage that I am willing to share with you Mr. Jones. Dalton formed some of the most impressive personalities in our history, future politicians, athletes, renowned artists... and contrary to what my last name might make it seem, the school is very eclectic, the choices are not based on finances but on what Dalton has to offer to the best candidates and how they will reciprocate. But don't worry, a formal representative of the school will come and talk to your parents if you answer positively to my next question: Are you ready to change your life?

……

It was the first day of school at Dalton and Michael was feeling slightly uncomfortable. He was as far as he could see the only black boy in the entire school. Eclectic my ass… he thought as he headed to the school's amphitheater to receive the orientations for the beginning of the school year. Despite the dislike he felt, he couldn't help but admire all the opulence of the place, with its imposing columns and marble floor, it really did give the impression of being an environment that formed success stories.

As he entered the amphitheater he saw Chadwick strutting with a group of other young men, all already in uniform. Trying to avoid contact with the other boy as much as possible, he sat in the first empty seat. And to his surprise he found himself facing the first non-white face that day. An Asian boy, with delicate features, who seemed to be even more uncomfortable than him to be in that place.

"Hey, I'm Michael, it's such a relief to see someone who doesn't look like they just got off the Mayflower!”

"Hi, I'm Edward."

Answered the boy, with a timid voice. Apparently it was going to be difficult to get some interaction from the other boy, but Michael was willing to try, a friendship with an introvert would be much better than putting up with the Chadwicks of life.

"So how did you end up in Dalton? Invitation or legacy?"

"Invitation, my dad almost didn't believe it when Chadwick Hartfield told him there was a place for me here."

"Ahhh, so you already know Chadwick?"

"Father and son, the Hartfields own a large slaughterhouse, meat packing plants and the like, they are the biggest suppliers to my father's chain of restaurants, so Chad and I have meet over the years..."

The boy replied, seeming to loosen up a bit. So he was rich too, although he lacked that air of arrogance that seemed to surround Chadwick. Michael thought there was a hint of discontent in the boy's voice as he referred to the Hartfields, then he jumped at the opportunity.

"Are you friends then?"

"Hardly, Chadwick's family is old money, my father is a Chinese immigrant who made a fortune from his own work, Chadwick and I have nothing in common. Although my coming here may mean a certain... concession for part of the Hartfields."

"Hmm, I understand..." Michael replied without really understanding, money was money, wasn't it? What difference did his origin make?, In his opinion every rich man was the same, regardless of where that wealth came from. Of course, he wasn't going to verbalize it in front of Edward.

And it wouldn't even be necessary, because at that moment an imposing, middle-aged man, wearing an impeccable suit, was addressing the students gathered there, giving Michael an excuse to interrupt the conversation.

“Good morning gentlemen, I am Principal Vincent Carmichael, and I will be responsible for your welfare and education at Dalton, we will have plenty of time to get to know each other better throughout the course and beyond, so today I will be brief. It is a great pleasure to receive you for what will certainly be a transforming year in your lives. Some of you already know Dalton's story, your families are part of that story, of our legacy. And as legacies, I ask you to be kind and helpful to those who are now part of this history, to guide them, point the way and integrate them as it should be. For those of you who still see yourselves as outsiders and perhaps still wonder why you're here, know that the our board makes no mistakes, you are exactly where you should be.”

Michael couldn't explain why, but he felt a chill when he heard those words, which echoed inside his head like a bad omen. Giving himself a mental shake he forced himself to listen to the rest of the director's speech.

“Here in Dalton you will be assigned to your dorms according to a pre-selection. However, as we value the relationships of friendship and companionship that we hope for and we are sure that you will form here, these dispositions can be modified if there is interest from the parties. You will find the location of your dorms and the names of your roommates inside the folder you received when you arrived at school. Finally, in that same spirit of camaraderie, in addition to sports teams, theater, music and debate clubs, the school has several student clubs, led by some of our legates, but for which you can receive invitations or apply, do not worry about being excluded, I'm pretty sure you'll all find a place in one of them before you even know it....”

The director continued, while looking at the group of young men that Chadwick had been talking to and with whom he was sitting next to. And Michael felt that strange feeling again. To try to get rid of it he decided to open the folder and there next to his name and location of his dorm was the name of his roommate: Chadwick Wentworth Hartfield IV.

"Fuck!” Michael murmured, as Principal Carmichael concluded.

"...because Dalton will forever be your home."

………….

"So what's it like sleeping under the same roof as the prince of the privileged?"

A slender dark-haired young man asked with a snarky expression to Michael.

"It's not so bad, he leaves me alone and I have no interest in what he does."

Michael replied. He was in his second week of classes and oddly enough he seemed comfortable with his situation, even having already made a group of friends, which included Edward, Jaime, a grandson of Mexican immigrants and Jonathan, the boy who had asked him about Chadwick. The truth is that Chad had to leave him alone, thanks to the total indifference that Michael showed him. In the first days the other guy tried to start some conversations that varied between the typical bro talk, sports, women, drinking... and bragging about his lifestyle through countless stories of travels, parties and whatever.... the fact is that for a few days now the interactions between the two had boiled down to "good morning and good night." Which to Michael was fine.

"Now, if we analyze the situation well, in theory you also sleep under the same roof as him. And isn't it a little hypocritical of you to call others privileged, Mr. son of a senator?"

Michael continued teasing his friend.

"First, my dorm is in another building, so I can categorically state that I don't sleep under the same roof as Chadwick. And second, yes I recognize my privileges, but there's no comparing my father's job to the capitalist machine that rich men like Chadwick portrays. No offense, Lee."

"I don't take offense, and all my dad wants is to be compared to the likes of Chad's dad, i believe he would take that as a compliment. And don't take what Michael said to heart, he adores your dad , there's probably a poster of his campaign taped to his bedroom wall."

The other boy had proved to be much less shy over the days and now he even cracked jokes.

"You know, I preferred it when you were shy... but yeah, I really admire Senator Roberts' work, he does so much for underprivileged communities and minorities. I'd like to do something like that someday."

"Are you thinking of becoming a politician? I can try to get you a summer internship with my dad if you want."

"Politics is not out of the question, but I'm thinking of being a public defender or something. But there's no way I would pass up an internship with Jack Roberts, thanks for the offer John."

"Speaking of offers, has anyone here gotten an invite to one of those student clubs?" Edward asked.

"I'd rather have a glass of acid than indulge in such elitist nonsense..."

"You'd be surprised what you can get down at one of the elite clubs, Roberts." Said a deep voice with a touch of arrogance at that moment, making the boys all turn at once to face Chadwick standing next to their desk in the library study room.

"Michael, I'd like to talk to you for a moment. If you don't mind."

"Hum..sure..."

Michael replied while getting up and accompanying his colleague to the other side of the room.

"I'm glad you made friends Michael."

Said Chad with an expression that did not denote any happiness. Seeing that Michael

once again avoided answering him the boy continued.

"Jonathan Roberts has his connections, despite his...quirky style. And Chang has... potential. So do you. I don't know what happened or how I might have offended you, but I'd like us to be friends. You may not know, but I am the president of one of the oldest clubs in Dalton, The Crows. And I am currently in the process of selecting our new members, I would really appreciate it if you would consider joining us."

Michael didn't know what to answer, because while he felt an instant dislike for the other boy and planned to change dorms as soon as possible just to get away from him, that was another opportunity for him to create the necessary contacts for his future career. And he couldn't help but wonder for the thousandth time what the school's and Chadwick's interest in him would be, he was a good student but not brilliant, he was far from an athlete, he was the son of a firefighter and a nurse and not knew influential people. He had already discussed this with Jaime, who also didn't seem to understand why both of them were there and seemed willing to dig deeper to find out. Although Michael didn't need to know why he was there, he only cared about making the best of the situation and that meant...

"Yeah, sure. I'd love to join the Crows."

He replied with the most fake and forced smile he had ever given in his life.

……

That late afternoon, instead of heading to his dorm, Michael went to meet Chadwick in one of the towers of the immense structure that was Dalton's central building. Apparently the Crow Club occupied much of the top floor of the tower. Reaching the top of the stairs he slammed the door, overcome with the familiar sense of foreboding he wondered again if he shouldn't turn around and put all that pretentious nonsense to rest. He was about to do exactly that when the gigantic door to the room opened with a noise that sent an icy shiver down the boy's spine, who stood staring at the entrance to the room with the feeling that he was about to enter the gaping mouth of a predator about to swallow him, which made him wonder again if there was still time to run away.

"Michael, glad you came, come in."

Said a casually dressed and much more cheerful Chadwick than Michael had ever seen before, which only added to the uneasy feeling that coursed through Michael's mind and spread through his body. Which reached the edge of a panic attack when he heard the door close behind him.

" Welcome to the Crow's Nest. Sit back and make yourself comfortable, Michael. This will be your favorite room for the rest of the year, it belongs to you and you to it. But before I introduce you, I would like you to introduce yourself. I feel like I don't know anything about my roommate and new brother."

Chadwich said as he sat down in a leather armchair, his cocky air back in full swing. Did Michael really want that? Being Chadwick's "brother", were his future plans worth as much sacrifice at his present? Such thoughts were swept from his mind when he saw Chadwick reach for an object beside the armchair. Was that... a basketball?

"Tell me Mike? Do you like basketball?"

Chad asked with a smug smile. Which caused Michael's feeling of anxiety to be replaced by another, hot, intense anger.

"Why, Chad? Because every black boy must be a basketball fan, is that it???"

"Wow, calm down brother, it's not that much, I just thought you should enjoy..."

"You do not know anything about me!"

"That's exactly the point, isn't it? Getting to know each other, forming bonds, a brotherhood."

"Why? Why me, and don't tell me you don't know, because you do."

Tump.

The ball landed on the ground and bounced back into Chadwick's hand, shutting Michael up in the process.

Tump. Again.

"You don't like me, do you, Michael? You never did, from the moment we met I saw the way how you looked at me, like I was some kind of monster, some freak. Be sincere."

Tump.

"No, I don't like you." Michael found himself responding against his will, as if he couldn't control his own vocal cords. At the same time, a kind of anesthesia spread through his body, preventing him from moving. The feeling of panic returning with multiplied force.

Tump. Tump.

"Ah, progress, everything would be easier if you had collaborated from the beginning, but I admit that I have a certain difficulty understanding your... kind."

Hearing that made Michael's eyes flash with anger that gave him enough strength to try to get up and go.

Tump. Tump.

The sensation of anesthesia returned.

"Impressive Mr. Jones. Such willpower will take its toll. But I wonder why my comment would provoke so much aggression. Ahhh... you think I'm racist, is that it? Or maybe an elitist? Well, I abhor racism, and as for elitism, well... I'm elite, aren't I? But so are you Michael, so are you. You've been offered the chance to become someone... better. To be a part of something bigger, a brotherhood, to be by my side, in the elite. A chance many would die to take and you spurn and grudgingly accept... so I ask you again, why?

Tump.

"Why? Listen to yourself, Chad. The size of your arrogance. You talk about community, about brotherhood, while at the same time you brag about being part of an exclusive elite. You talk about belonging, but you don't know what what it is to belong, you represent those who only know what it is to own.

Tump.

A sour expression spread across Chad's handsome face. As if he wasn't used to dealing with someone who antagonized him. Which was probably true. Which made Michael's panic rise even higher.

Tump. Tump.

"And I am the prejudiced one."

Tump.

"But you didn't actually answer my first question.”

Tump.

“Do you

Tump

“…like…”

Tump

“…basketball?"

Tump.

"Yes."

Michael replied grudgingly.

"Well, wasn't it easier to have answered the first time I asked?"

Tump. Tump. Tump.

"No, it was not..."

"I'm tired of repeating it, but... why, Michael?"

"Why? Because people like you look at people like me and see a stereotype: black kids are obligated to like basketball just because they're black."

"People…”

Tump

“…like…”

Tump.

… me..."

Tump.

“Tell me Michael, isn't it hypocritical of you to accuse people like me of looking at you and seeing a stereotype while you look at me and everything you see is also a stereotype?"

Tump.

"I... I hadn't thought of it that way."

"I see..."

Tump.

“But thinking the right way isn't exactly your strong point, is it? At least not for now…”

Tump

"What?"

Exclaimed Michael but Chad just smirked and continued to talk.

"I overheard your conversation with the insufferable Roberts today… a very commendable attitude, wanting to work for the community, change the world. But not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of you... Mike."

Tump. Tump.

"I told you, my name..."

"I know your name, Mike, how could I not know the name of my roommate, my second in command, my brother, who despite differences in color and social class, is so much like me in so many ways."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Calm down, be quiet now, and take off your top clothes, they can get a little…constricting."

Michael felt his arms move of their own accord and carry out Chad's orders automatically, while he screamed in rage and despair inside his own head without being able to express anything.

"I’m surprised, you had a respectable foundation, Michael. But there's room for improvement.

First of all, You don't like me and to be honest I don't like you either... not yet. But since I'm being honest there's something about you that attracts my attention, even my admiration I would say. You are ambitious Michael. You didn't hesitate to accept coming to an unknown school just for the advantages you could get. Even though you didn't like me, you accepted to join the Crows because you knew that this would open doors in your future . And you even made friends with people who could offer you ways to move up in life. Although they are not the friendships I would have chosen, I admire your initiative. But your mistake was not taking advantage of the true opportunity that was at your side all the time, me."

Tump. Tump. Tump.

"We're going to fix that and a few other things, aren't we?"

Tump. Tump.

What the fuck is this psychopath talking about? Thought Michael without being able to voice it.

"Looking back, I think our problem started when we first met, because you were already willing to dislike me just for being who I am. All that anger and resentment you have towards people of a higher social class prevented any kind of bond from being established between us, didn't it?"

Tump.

"But you know what I think, Michael, deep down all that anger is envy, envy of me, envy of my lifestyle. An immense envy of those who can have whatever they want, be whatever they want."

Tump. Tump.

Was it, was that true? No, no. He was happy with what he had, with who he was.

Still, being able to have what you want, when you want it must be an incredible feeling, said an insistent little voice in the back of his mind.

"And you know what envy really is? A form of admiration, after all desiring what belongs to the other, desiring to be in the other's shoes, there is no greater form of admiration. Isn't it Michael?"

Tump. Tump.

"You admire men like me."

Tump. Tump.

"All that ambition of yours, that desire for power. Real power. Power over others, over other people's lives."

Tump. Tump.

"You aspire to be someone who controls the pieces on the board..."

Tump. Tump.

No no! Michael denied to himself. He was ambitious of course, but that was about having a better future, doing something better, being someone better! Someone who could be admired, someone who could be envied, someone like...

"...to be someone like me."

"No..." Michael continued to deny it, but something was growing inside him, a dark desire, a desire to dominate, to subdue, to control.

"Of course there is only one of me, but there is space in my life for others, and I will be a good leader and a good friend to my companions, my brothers. And you accepted to be one of them, the first of them. And so you'll be closest to me, my deputy and make sure things are in order. And when we leave Dalton you'll have what it takes to achieve all the success and power you want, as long as you remember the origin of it all and to whom you should be grateful."

Tump. Tump.

Yes, he wanted it, he would take it, he would do what Chad wanted and he would be grateful for a lifetime if it gave him the chance to dominate, to conquer, to be better, better than everyone else, above everyone else... No, no, that wasn't him, that wasn't him!

"We're almost there, Michael, almost there, but I still see challenge in those eyes of yours. That's why I want you to close them."

Tump.

"That's right, close your eyes and go back to the day we met, it's me and you sitting in your room and talking, tell me what you felt when you saw me that day?"

Disgust, Michael thought, but his mouth said something else.

"Admiration."

"Good, very good. And why did you feel that way?"

Tump.

"Because... because you represent the kind of man I want to be..."

"And what kind of man would that be?"

Tump. Tump.

"Rich, confident... powerful."

"I'm flattered to hear that Michael, as much as I was the first time that very day."

What is he talking about? Michael thought. He'd never said that before... he hadn't even thought about it...or had he? But he knew he truly admired Chad…

"Actually, I think we recognized each other despite our differences, didn't we? Because deep down our similarities were much greater! Two ambitious men, who know what they want, who know that the world will belong to them. My experience in these things is much greater, but you are intelligent, you saw in me the opportunity to grow, to learn. And I saw in you someone at my height, who could be a partner, a true friend, someone to respect me, to follow and support me, a brother indeed."

Tump. Tump. Tump.

"And then there's the fact that our physical similarities, I don't mean the color of course, but the size, the stature. It's hard to find someone who compares to my physique. But for someone like you who has a daily training routine at the gym and has played basketball since childhood... oh, basketball! My father was always irritated by my devotion to the sport, he would rather I played Football, but my passion was always elsewhere and finding someone who loves basketball as much as I do, was invaluable. Imagine my happiness when I see all those trophies in your family room... it was almost like a gathering of souls, don't you think, Mike?"

No, not like that, Michael of course liked basketball, had even played a few times. Yes, daily training, competitions, victories, everything to the winner and he was a winner, just like Chad, it takes one to recognize the other…and the conversation? One of the best of his life! It was almost like finding a lost brother... even better: a lost and wealthy brother who could provide him with the means to become what he deserved to be, what he would be.

But what about that comment about their size? Chad was huge, with the physique of a Greek God, whereas Michael... well... you don't become a winning basketball player without a winning physique... and if even Chad marveled at his physique surely it should be impressive!

And in fact, at that moment Chad was in awe of what was happening in front of him. Michael's muscles expanded in waves, each pulse amplifying the volume, the boy's lean, defined physique giving way to broad, bulging muscles. Pectorals like two slabs of meat, thick biceps and horseshoe-shaped triceps. The process appeared to be painful, but Michael showed no sign of feeling anything. With his eyes closed and expression relaxed, it actually looked like he might be enjoying it.

And in reality he was. The sense of numbness that had gripped his body for the last few minutes was replaced by a strangely erotic throbbing, like an erection, only throughout his entire body. That feeling was exhilarating, it was intense, it was power! And if there was one thing Mike Jones respected is power! The waves of transformation continued, elongating the boy's body, causing his uniform pants to become short and giving him a thinner appearance again. But that didn't last long, as his muscles increased again with his thighs testing the limits of his pants and his calves taking on a perfect diamond shape. His dick was also affected, even though it was already of an enviable size, it grew in such a way that it would be impossible not to attract attention even when Michael was fully dressed. Finally the boy's features changed from reasonably attractive to artistically sculpted, albeit surrounded by an undefined air of arrogance and superiority. Leaving before Chad someone who despite their differences in many ways could be considered his equal.

Still, Chad's work wasn't quite finished, he needed to secure a few other things.

"Then came the first day of school and you came straight to meet me in the amphitheater. Ready to start your journey of ascension with the best possible guide. I could see the genuine happiness when you found out we were going to be roommates. And the admiration and gratitude to know that I guaranteed it myself."

Tump. Tump.

"And in this last week, the admiration and respect became a bond. The conversations at night, about the women we've gone out with, about the parties and drinking of each one, your desire to know the places I met... your desire to be my friend, to be by my side, to make sure what I want comes true."

Tump. Tump. Tump.

Michael, Mike, Big Mike… he felt that sensation build to a point that was almost… orgasmic. With Chad's words being burned into his very soul, as if through them a part of the other boy had seeped into him and expanded, infecting and overpowering every piece of who he was and cementing his transition into someone completely different, ruthless, up for anything, a predator, yet still loyal to his leader and ready to carry out his plans, their plans.

"And it all culminated in the moment you've been waiting for since you heard Principal Carmichael talk about the clubs. The moment you became a Crow, one of us."

Tump.

"So, I would appreciate it if you open your eyes and accept reality fully, brother."

And that's what Mike did.

The giant that had been Michael opened his eyes slowly, as if it were the first time he had done so in his life. Focusing his vision on the one in front of him, his roommate, his leader, his passport to everything he deserved. Then he smiled, a smile that conveyed extreme confidence and arrogance.

"Is everything okay, bro?"

Chad asked with a twin smile.

"And why wouldn't it be, brother?"

"You seemed a little distracted to me, I don't tolerate sluggishness when I'm speaking, especially from my vice president."

"I would never think of leaving you talking to the walls, Chad"

Mike replied, his smile taking on a mocking air.

"Don't try play clever on me, this is a game you can't win."

"Fair enough, since you can't beat me on the court."

Mike replied, as he quickly took the ball from Chad's hands.

"Asshole"

"A less than eloquent response from the king of cleverness."

"Fucking Asshole"

Chad replied making both of them burst out laughing.

"So what's so important you have to say, Mr. President?"

"The most important thing for a president: expanding membership, and you have a huge role to play in that, so pay close attention to what I'm going to explain to you."

Mike hung on every word and when Chad finished, knowing the kind of power he would be entrusted with and what he would do with it, he couldn't help but smile again.

[jangmi-latte]

(click image for better quality)

Name: Fechin Fiachra (フェーチン • フィアチラ)

Nicknames: Fechi (Epel), Little Bird (Lilia), Burnt potato (Vil), Monsieur Raven (Rook), Fechra (Ace), Raven (Malleus)

Class: 1-B, Student No. 07

Birthday: June 09

Age: 17

Height: 168 cm (5'6")

Dominant Hand: Ambidextrous

Favorite subject: Ancient Spell

Likes: Spears/Polearms, running

Dislikes: Rook Hunt, Mushrooms

Favorite Food: Curry Buns

Least Favorite Food: Candy

Special Skill: Vision, Geography, Martial Arts

Club: Horse Riding Club

A young curious boy-turned-raven who decides to remain human after being accidentally transformed. Though academically coping, he excels in martial arts and could walk around Twisted Wonderland without a need of a map or a GPS. He has an attachment towards Vil Schoenheit yet despises Rook Hunt. He would also tail around to those he is close to. Fechin is behave most of the time yet won't hesitate to use his sharp tongue towards those he dislikes and has pissed him off.

Facts:

➻ when he turned human, he tried to eat bugs he would pluck from trees. after finding out they aren't edible for humans plus disgusting taste, he avoids them like the plague.

➻ rook tried to hunt him down when he was still a raven.

➻ epel turned him human on accident after a minor incident in the lab. fechin surprised the first year and he threw the potion at him. hence, fechin having big respect for epel and being grateful for his accident.

➻ when crowley found him, he dragged him to the mirror and the mirror instantly sorted him to diasomnia. fechin nearly threw a tantrum if it wasn't for lilia comforting him and epel promising he would be with him during school hours

➻ his attachment towards vil happened when the latter (after epel dragged him to pomefiore out of panic) cleaned him up and dressed him while scolding him. though deemed clueless, fechin felt at home.

➻ he eats anything, really. he tends to get hungry pretty quickly and easily. though he does hate eating lilia's food.

➻ he pulled on malleus' horns once out of curiosity.

➻ when he's curious, he tends to stare and blink at the object or person for minutes before speaking.

➻ naturally, he's quiet or speaks quietly to his seniors. he's respectful yet is currently learning more formal vocabulary via silver's teaching. when he's mad, similar to epel, he will lose all formality and won't hesitate to throw hands when necessary.

➻ protective of his territory and love ones. especially epel, lilia, and vil.

➻ he borrows epel or lilia's phone sometimes. he doesn't want to own one. he plays games or just watches whatever the owner is doing.

➻ he floats as a way of relaxing (may it be reading a book or sleeping).

➻ his fashion sense is...casually odd. all his clothes were majorly from lilia (also his money came from who knows where).

➻ put him near rook and he'll bite.

➻ is scared of horses at first when joining the horse riding club. riddle nearly had a breakdown just by convincing him.

➻ he likes deuce but won't hesitate to punch him when he goes delinquent mode. as for ace, well, their first meeting involved deuce having to hold fechin back. reason? ace stole the apple he was about to eat.

➻ looks up to jack. he wants to be as motivated as he is. yet, he's scared of leona and ruggie.

➻ he can talk to other birds!

➻ would barge inside scarabia and octavinelle for food. he tried cooking once but it was under trey and jamil's supervision. if he would be under lilia's supervision, he said he might make something that would kill malleus with no intent. riddle tried teaching him too but he accidentally left the food in the oven while he was with epel.

࿐ "I want to go back to Vil... Wait, nevermind. I'm hungry... Have you seen Epel? Oh! I have to feed the birds outside!"

© jangmi-latte 2021. do not repost or copy any form of content.

˖꒰ here he is! my little boy, fechin! i hope you like him. if you have any questions regarding his character or story, i am open to answer! he'll play a big role in this cafe soon. any form of fanart is appreciated but the original design above should not be reposted. stay tuned! ꒱

[arminiloveyou]

hii :33 i just came across your page and was hoping if i could request male aot and jjk matchupss; you can ignore this if matchups are closed though !!

so... i'll start with a general description — i'm 18+, straight, and smol LMAO (5'3), but i otherwise look p average: long hair/dark eyes (behind the frame of my glasses). i'm rly introverted, and i'm not the type to speak out unless spoken to, though if we fall into conversations abt something meaningful, i'd gladly share my thoughts.

likes — i don't have much i like in a materialistic sense, but the several few are: my piano, tea (i drink it everyday like it's water LOL), my devices. as for hobbies... i'm in love with classical music. it's going to sound incredibly cliché but i live my life around it (ironic, considering how i study something in a completely different field), and it makes up a p big part of who i am as a person so i practice the pieces on my list whenever i can. on the academic side, i'm passionate abt science, medicine specifically, so i do a lot of readings for that during my study blocks. If i'm not doing either though, you'll find me spending quality time with my family/friends, writing, or just simply relaxing.

dislikes — rude/selfish/arrogant/unreasonable (as in, ppl who won't listen) ppl, wasting time, waking up late (but i'm guilty of this oops)

needs/wants — my degree T_T and to make my biggest supporters in life (my close friends and family) proud of my efforts in whatever endeavour. there aren't rly traits i think my partner should have...? j be authentic rly, bc i'm rly not the type to become close w anyone (be they a friend or potential partner) easily, so if i like them, it will be bc of themselves and their philosophies.

thank you so much for taking the time to read this !!! again, i'm sorry if matchups are closed, and pls j ignore this if it is. i hope you have a great day wherever you are in the world !! rmb to stay hydrated and always know that you come first 🍹💛

hi cutieee hope you enjoy your matchup!!! thank you for those reminders - i needed the second one<3

for jujutsu kaisen i match you with…

FUSHIGURO MEGUMI

soft boy is attracted to how shy n quiet you are. since he’s the same it makes him both comfortable but he also views you as mysterious n alluring. he thinks your interest in classical music especially is something notable about you. he’s so intrigued when he eavesdrops n hears you talking about it with the others. what is it about you that makes this your passion? what would it feel like for you to talk about him with such adoration? can you tell he’s holding his breath? shit does he look awkward sitting off to the side right now? you make his mind raceeeeee. his face’s no different when y’all get randomly paired together for an assignment but!!! please believe he’s shaking inside. he starts thinking of you when he trains - you become his biggest motivation to get stronger. another thing he overhears one day is how you’d care about your s/o’s philosophy n he travels down yet another rabbit hole - am i a good person? would they think i’m good? do they approve of my actions? my thoughts? he lets his feelings slip after you get slightly injured on a mission with him “jeez y/n!! you should’ve been careful agh now you’re hurt!!” “megumi it’s just a scr-“ “no that doesn’t matter… look i’m tryna be stronger for you but i can’t always be here please be careful i… i like you…” he walks away immediately after feeling soooo ashamed for “embarrassing” himself

for attack on titan i match you with…

JEAN KIRSTEIN

jean can be sooo selfless n his interactions with you are no exception - rather an amplification. “you’re hungry? what do you wanna eat? you like tea right? what do you want with it? i’ll get you some… no really it’s no problem” “ahhh you’ve been studying so much y/n… when’s the last time you slept? for how long? awh y/n…” he’s such a mom but he’s so genuine n… it’s kinda hot… he’s always so supportive of you n absolutely freaks out before meeting your family for the first time… n the twentieth time… he just wants to be the perfect man for you!! deep down inside he knows he is but what if those close to you don’t perceive him that way? n what if life gets in the way? he thinks you’re so cute… the first time y’all fell into a long one-on-one convo together he literally could’ve passed out, he can’t remember a time he was ever happier… he gushed about it to connie n sasha n even wrote about it in detail in his journal justtttt in case he forgets… though he never does. he’s such a sweetheart!! marry him pleaseeee he wants to ask you in a few months he literally daydreams about domestic life with you… cleaning on sundays, cooking together, watching documentaries together… just being together

[tsuumu]

good intentions.

kuroo x reader

your long-term boyfriend is perfect. i mean perfect. he excels at basically everything he does. well, except one thing. at least he has good intentions, right?

based off of a request found here.

word count:

tags/tw: y/n & kuroo are uni students, lots of playful insulting, kuroo is perfect, well not really, y/n is a mess, y/n is me doing any kind of work, domestic x1000, kuroo cooking is so cute.

You know those people who just seem to have it all?

No, not literally, but it’s so sickeningly easy for them that they might as well be arms reach of anything they want.

Usually we tend to dislike people like that, mainly because... well, we’re not them (much to our abysmal dismay, too). They end up taking a spotlight of jealousy in our lives and we find ourselves constantly thinking: Man, i’d love to kick their asses, but would alternatively jump at the oppertunity to switch lives with them ‘Freaky Friday’ style.

These people are the embodiment of admiration.

Young. Good looking. Fit. Successful. Socially conscious. Killer smiles. Can always hold a drink. Never seem to embarrass themselves even a little, but on the off chance they do, everyone adores them more and sees it as a cute little incident or quirk of theirs.

Just thinking about it makes you want to build yourself a bunker, deep underground, just to sulk in for a decade or so, lamenting angrily at the dusty walls.

Yes. You know the truth is that there will always be someone better than you at simply existing, but that doesn’t stop that simmering of content from rising within. Realistically speaking, you’d avoid these people like your life depended on it because they’re so... detestable.

So who would have known that you —of all people— would end up falling in love with one?

Well, you did. As much as they repel you, you find that they weirdly attract you too.

That’s right.

The man who stole that pretty little heart of yours, who’d caught your attention indefinitely with his cut-throat prowess and charisma. He’d approached you one fine evening at some bar you’d never been to before, ordered you your favorite drink because he’d seen you order it twofold previously (vodka cranberry, heavy on the juice) and chatted you up the way you’d always wished a guy would.

The appalling epitome of cliche.

The whole encounter practically ran like he’d planned it before-hand. It’s almost infuriating, how easily he swept you off of those tipsy feet of yours.

Something bumps lightly over your head as a shadowy figure passes by. You groan lightly in response.

“Hey, cut it out!”

Somehow, you’ve found yourself on the floor, crossed-legged, pen in your mouth and both your hands. One is furiously scrawling something down, the other flicking the cap off to highlight. It’s an understatement to note that you look like a bit of a mess, brows scruched up in an untidy pile in the middle of your forehead, dead-focused on the first draft of your thesis that was due weeks ago.

Yeah, you were one of those people.

A mocking string of apologetic noises come from the figure in front of you as he chucks his keys onto the kitchen counter.

Kuroo Tetsurou. That’s your A-list Boyfriend.

A-list of what? Of life, for god’s sake.

If it were him that’d been assigned a task with this ridiculous deadline, he’d probably have handed it before it was fucking given to him in the first place! Not only is he academically adept to the point of pure indignancy (on your part, of course, you’re too prone to jealousy for your own good), but his organisation is nothing short of freakishly unnatural.

He says he’s minimalistic, you say he’s an alien.

If someone had told you that the man you loved was actually some kind of secret government- made equipment to survey you, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. He’s that good.

He chuckles at his own jeers, slipping a hand through the fridge handle. It unlatches with ease and he takes a cold can of beer out, pulling the tab back and allowing it to hiss open satisfyingly. Your eyes flicker upwards, gnawing at your knuckle, you’re not only stressed out, but unbelievably embarrassed that you’re at it again. He’s seen you like this countless times, after promising to clean up your act and follow in his footsteps.

Following in his footsteps. Well, that’s how he described it. You were close to socking his arm.

“Shut up.”

Tetsurou tilts his head back, drinking to his heart’s content before catching your eye. You’re correct. He has seen this before, so he knows not to take your off-handed comments to heart. Instead, he’s rather bemused.

“Your scruched up nose.” He begins, setting the can down to the side, crossing one leg over the other. “That’s your classic concentrating face.”

You’re not even listening if you’re honest. You’re trying to understand what this section of the task even means after re-reading it for the fifteeth time. The responses you give are made absently.

“Hm.”

“You look like a cat that’s been forced to wait to eat. That little glare. It’s cute, kitty.”

Your head jerks up questioningly. Did he call you cute?

His head tilts.

“Oh, you’ve relaxed your face now. It’s gone back to being ugly.”

You scowl and throw the highlighting pen at him.

“Go away! I’m almost done!”

Your fingers move to your lower back, pressing on your spine in hopes it’ll crack and relieve some of the tension in your body. Kuroo retrieves the pen, sweeping the can up with his spare hand. He plods over, craning his neck down to study whatever it is that you have on your lap.

“It’s too dark in here to see that properly.”

“I’m fine!”

“Well���“ He leans back to switch the overhead lights on. “—now you’re finer.”

You turn to him, pausing for a moment.

“Oh, thanks.”

It’s like you fall into this crazed state when you’re overworked. Frantic. Snappy. Cowering in the dark like some sort of parody Dracula— that is, if Dracula were three weeks late on his university assignment worth a disgustingly high percentage of his final grading. If Kuroo came too close, or said something a little too sly, you’d probably bite him. He knows this too, opting to keep quiet from now on. Instead, he sits leisurely on the floor, just behind you, placing his hands against your propped up body and gently pressing his thumbs into the blades of your back.

“Drop it a sec, yeah?”

Your body’s stiff, but you can tell he’s shocked at just how stiff it is. For a moment, you’re caught off guard, before rolling your shoulders back forcefully.

“Can’t... gotta finish—“ and you gesture wildly at everything around you. That answer was to be expected. You weren’t as academically driven, sure, but you weren’t one to give in easily. Or fail, for that matter.

Tetsurou plants a gentle kiss onto the nape of your neck, mumbling into the ridge of your spine.

“That—“ he copies your movements. “Can wait. I know you think it can’t, but it can. And you’re going to stop now.”

Your eyes lower a little, vision blurring.

“But—“

“Nope.”

You twist yourself to look at him, giving him another sour look.

“I’m serious!”

“So am I.” It rolls off the tongue so easily for him. He’s utterly calm. But then again, he’s not the one that needs to be on bloody ‘X-Games’ mode.

He’s never the one. Damn it.

You lift yourself up a little by placing your palms under you, wincing at the twinges of pain it induces. You’d made friends with the floor for a little too long, butt totally numb.

“Fine.” You resign, suddenly falling back onto him. “I’ll email my professor for the tenth time this week and wait as he rips me apart. Shall I?” Kuroo tuts, snaking an arm around your upper-body, the other brushing at your baby-hairs so he’s able to see your face a little clearer.

“He wouldn’t do that.”

“Uh— yes he would. Would you like front row seats to my untimely demise?”

“You’re so dramatic.”

For the first time through that entire day, you smile, even if it’s just a little. And to him, he’s managed to fish you out of that downward spiral you’ve been plunging into. Job well done on his part. He softly runs a his palm down your side.

“Your professor covers mine when she’s busy.” He states matter-of-factly. “Let me email him. It’s not ludicrous to say that i’m your boyfriend and you’re a little troubled at the moment.”

You’re slumped over, at the moment, chin buried into your chest.

“Troubled sounds like i’ve lost my mind.”

“Well not like that—“ The eager boy begins sifting out your laptop from under the seemingly endless piles of paper. “Let’s think of a better excuse.” Your body doesn’t move an inch, fiddling with the cap of the pen lid. You throw it by accident and it bounces too far to reach comfortably. Shit.

“Mmm.” He buries his nose into the crown of your head. “Shall I tell him you got into a car accident?”

“What? Tetsu, that’s stupidly unbelievable. I don’t even drive.”

“I guess... maybe not a car.” His fingers teasingly splay over your stomach, body bent intrusively over yours. They move against the softness of your flesh, dipping down slightly.

You suck in a breath.

“I’m sure I can do something for you that’ll keep you from walking for quite some time.” Tetsurou hums deeply, and it feels like he’s talking directly into your brain.

Your fingers fumble for the pen he just gave back, before hitting him square on the forehead with it. It ricochets back perfectly onto your chest with a loud snap.

“Ow!”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Geez.”

“I don’t need excuses. I’ll just come back to it later.”

“Oh— yeah. That too.”

With a heave, you sit up, rubbing the side of your head as the blood rushes back.

“I’m kinda hungry.” You’d been so distracted with this work that even simple, human needs took a backseat.

This is why Kuroo doesn’t like it. At times like this, you’d barely eat, sleep, breathe. Seriously. Sometimes you’d hold your breath for absurdly long periods of time whilst reading, only to hack and gasp and apologise because you were so into it.

That’s... extreme. And he does not approve in the slightest.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm...” Your eyes sparkle hopefully. “Did you get me something to eat?”

Tetsurou scratches his neck timidly.

“Well, not exactly.”

Immediately, your face drops and he protests wildly.

“Don’t look at me like that!”

Well— well— you couldn’t help but be disappointed! You were starving and tired and ready to email your professor a string of rather unpleasant curse words instead of another half-assed excuse. Your fingernails had been worn down considerably from all the abrasive biting you’d done, aching and red.

Being a full-time student was covert self-destruction. You heavily relied on your boyfriend to bring in food because you didn’t have the time to do so yourself. This had been discussed and agreed upon prior though, since along with Tetsu’s many formidable talents, a balanced work to school life was yet another.

He ambles back to the kitchen area, gesturing to the island smack bang in the middle.

“That doesn’t mean I came empty-handed.”

Oh. You hadn’t noticed it before, but he’d come home with groceries. Um. Groceries?

“What’s that?”

“Stuff I picked up on the way back.”

“Like, ingredients?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

The both of you are quiet for a moment, and you’re eyeing the bag like it’s appeared out of nowhere with something potentially life-threatening inside it. Yes, that sounds stupid. But the truth is... you guys never really got groceries. Not actual groceries with actual ingredients. Because that is a strong indicator that they’d have to be cooked.

And god, neither of you knew how to do that.

You’re a student who’s barely stepped into adulthood, not Gordan Ramsay.

Okay. You sound ridiculous. Cooking isn’t that complex. It’s actually quite simple if your heart’s in it.

“I figured i’d be able to do something with these.” Kuroo pats the bags and they crinkle a tad.

Of fucking course he’d ‘be able to do something’ with them.

He’s Kuroo-Genius-Tetsurou!

CEO of doing things with other things and it actually working out. Building cabinates, lock-picking, gardening, guitar, skateboarding, poker. Since you’ve been together, these are a few of the varation of things he’s naturally picked up.

You? You’re a more do-it-once-it-fails-and-never-do-it-again type.

In your mind there’s literally no doubt he’d ace cooking and list it under the other fifty(billion) things he’s also capable of, just so he can mention it off-handedly to other people at parties or something.

If there’s something to criticise about your boyfriend, he’s awful at shutting up about himself. He’ll go on forever, as if he’s showcasing his entire life to strangers in some desperate attempt to sell them his excessive excellence.

Is he arrogant? Maybe. But is he able to do it in a manner that’s utterly bewitching? Absolutely. He’s not gloating, you see, he’s ‘modestly sharing’. And you find yourself wanting to praise him, you want to hear about how much better he is than you.

Let’s be honest. Kuroo and modesty were not made to be placed in the same sentence, any humble talk of his is utter bullshit.

But everyone loves it all the same.

That’s what you mean about perfect people. They spark something in others. It’s almost hypnotic. And when you snap out of it, it’s like it’s been confirmed that you’re undoubtedly inferior. Post-Kuroo-Encounter depression. PKE. You having a devastating case of it.

Maybe you have a bit of a complex about this. Ugh.

He’s lucky he’s so damn loveable.

And that you’re so damn hungry.

“Okay.” You state.

Plus, you are a little curious to see what exactly will unfold with his newfound persuit in the culinary arts.

You haul ass to get up, audibly cursing, hopping around from foot to foot to get your blood-flow back in action. Eventually, you���ve nestled yourself onto a stool, hands propping your chin up, observing expectantly.

“What are you making, chef?”

“Uhh..” He’s rolling his sleeves up, eyes glued to the screen of his phone that’s placed facing upwards. “Chicken Alfredo.” Tetsu sounds a little uncertain but you’re staring into his head and you can almost hear the cogs turning. Really, it’s only a matter of time until the bastard works his Area 51-esque magic and concocts the dish.

He takes a little more time to familiarise himself with the recipe, before looking up, giving you a wicked grin.

“I’ve got this.”

You’re sure he does, smiling back.

Whilst he’s preparing god knows what, you peek into the grocery bag to see if there’s anything you can nibble on. You recieve another gentle smack to your head. Tetsu’s holding a packet of dry pasta.

He’s hit you with pasta.

“Nu-uh. I didn’t bring any kitty treats for you, be patient.”

“Stop hitting me like i’m a fly, or a cat!”

“Don’t be silly. I’d never hit a cat! They’re precious, adorable, i’d protect one with my life. And you—“ He hits you again. “—well, you’re you, baby.”

You snatch the packet forcefully and lob it at him again.

“You have a death wish, Kuroo-san.”

“Eesh. The formalities! I’m kidding!”

You cradle your cheek in your palm, sighing tiredly. The two of you usually ordered in, or got something you’d be able to set up pretty easily. Neither of you were particularly passionate about cooking, hence its absence in your routines. Yes, it’s excessively healthier than your current lifestyle, but you weren’t suffering. And even now, watching Tetsurou fill a pan with water, muscles firm against the shy of his shirt. You know he isn’t either.

Now that you’re looking, and looking some more, it’s pretty hot, seeing a guy cook.

“You know, you should make breakfast shirtless so I can tell my friends my hot boyfriend cooks me breakfast shirtless.”

He laughs.

“You’d enjoy that too much.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Yes. I can’t keep indulging you.”

He means that your desire for immediate gratification is your biggest weak-point. Kuroo’s recently been trying to teach you the art of patience. Abstinence. You don’t get it. Apparently perfect people believe in ‘self-control’ crap.

“Also, oil.” He adds.

“Oh, I suppose it’d hurt, right?”

“Mhm.”

Your boyfriend alternates from his phone to the actual practice in short cycles. To you, he looks like he’s on track, though you’re not quite sure what to be looking for in the first place. These things usually came ready and steaming on plates in restaurants. Even now, having to wait, it’s so difficult. But you’re enjoying the light conversation it brings, so it’s whatever.

Though, that lasting etch of confusion and concern on the boy’s face leaves you wondering if actually, this is proving slightly difficult for him.

“Is everything okay?” You pipe up.

He doesn’t answer at first.

“Think so.”

“Oh— i’ve never heard that from you before.” It’s usually straight confidence from this man.

“Shut up.”

From the stool, you slip, dragging your hand over the counter as you walk around to see it up close. You don’t really know what you’re expecting, but... it’s not this.

“Tetsu, that’s boiling a little violently, don’t you think?”

“...No?”

“Yeah. It is. That’s not a good sign.”

He bats you away.

“We can’t both stand here!”

“Why not?”

“Spaaace.” He whines. “And if we both stay crowded around it’ll—“

And it happens, exactly what you’d predicted.

You, of all people, had made an assumption your boyfriend hadn’t. Ain’t that crazy? The water rises up too high, boiling over and spilling absolutely everywhere. The gas flame heightens all of a sudden, curling up next to the fabric of a dish towel next to it. In a panic, you pull him back.

“What the fuck—“

There’s no time for you to think, your hands fumbling to close the stove, you hadn’t realised the water had seeped over it, causing you to cry out in pain in the process, hand burnt silly.

But you do it. Quickly too. And Kuroo’s utterly dazed, like he hadn’t even thought to react. Your immediate response post-injury is to suck on the wound, trying to suppress the pain with the soothing movements of your tongue. That doesn’t do much, so you flap it about like a mad man, that only instigates more irritation.

Tetsu snaps out of it when he hears your hissing, grabbing onto your wrist and pulling you to the sink forcefully, apologising profusely as he does.

Cold water hits you. It’s instant relief.

“God— i’m so sorry, (y/n)—“ He stumbles, still panicking, he seems to be experiencing everything five minutes too late. “I don’t know why that happened, I swear to God i’ve done that before but it just—“

You let out a giggle, and it shuts him up.

Another one slips. It gets louder and louder, harder to suppress until you’re full on belly laughing, hunched over. He stares at you, wordlessly surprised.

“T-Tetsu— you burnt water—“ You try and stifle your laugh but it only shakes your body more. His deep shame morphs into relief when he sees you’re okay. Tearfully making fun of him, but okay. He pulls you into a tight embrace, ignoring your remarks and still feeling unbelievably guilty.

It’s okay. You’re still chortling, holding him just as tight.

“Here, let me— let me bandage this.” In a cupboard somewhere, he pulls out a small wrap of fabric, proceeding to do just that. You watch happily enough, before turning to the boiled water that had completely stilled.

“Thanks. Let me do this.”

With considerable time and effort, you’re able to clean up the haphazard mess and start afresh, filling his place. Yeah, Kuroo is pretty humiliated, but he was more concerned about your wellbeing at the time than anything else. Seeing you unwavered was enough to make him feel like things were good.

It’s a miracle really, that you do end up filling two plates with delicious smelling pasta.

That lingering look of sorrow is still plastered all over the poor boy’s features, watching you with wide eyes.

“How did you manage that?”

You just shrug, licking a smidge of sauce off of your thumb.

“Dunno. Guess I have potential.” Your gaze moves up to his, pinching his cheek and blubbering jokingly. “Baby. What’s with the long face?”

“Feel bad.” Tetsu looks so glum. It’s adorable.

“Hm.”

The scrape of the plate against the counter is clear as bells as you urge him to eat.

“I should thank you, dumbass.” Admiring the bandage work, a grin settls upon you. This ordeal helps you to see that, actually, Tetsu wasn’t good at everything. In fact, for once, you were better.

And God. That’s— that’s different. You don’t want to be as cocky as him, but it feels nice for a change. He admires you.

“Got an excuse for that late assignment now.” You muse.

“Oh my god.”

You’re always going to be a handful.

“Ugh. Tetsu. Something good always come out of your actions. It’s sickening!”

“I hurt you, silly!”

“I’m feelin’ pretty good about it, regardless. Plus—“ You jump up, leaning over the counter to flick his forehead. “—i’m going to tell everybody this pretty little golden boy set our kitchen on fire because he tried to boil water.”

“Cruel. You’re cruel.”

“The cruelest.”

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Can you do a little text with your opinion about the Volturi members? What you like and dislike, they personality, they story... Would be interesting! Kissessss and have a great day! 💜

Imma have a little fun and throw the very young me into the mix to. Let's see child me vs adult me's opinions on the Volturiiii.

Fun fact: I wasn't team Volturi until I was like fifteen. Before that I was team edward... I don't want to talk about that 🤔😒

Also I'm a sucker for villains. If it isn't obvious already, I like the villains more than the heroes. (We all love a bad boy though, don't we?--- TIK TOK NOW IS NOT THE TIMEE.)

So everything i say is just my opinion and should be taken just as that.

Aro: Younger me was like "this...is a terrible person. There really is no need to expand on this." However adult me has been like "GUYS this guy is possibly the SCARIEST character. This man rips off heads AND SMILES ABOUT IT." He gives me child snatcher vibes (from the movies in particular). I thoroughly enjoy the power hungry persona. He's really fitting to be the puppeteer behind the Volturi. Even if he makes it seem it's a group effort with himself, Marcus and Caius. Realistically, Aro gets what he wants and isn't afraid to do what it takes to get it...sorry Didyme. What's even darker about it, WHICH I LOVE, is that he isn't heartless. Smeyer wrote that Aro genuinely loved his sister. It's all good to have a character that's a evil heartless monster but what's more terrifying to me is the ability for someone to do evil despite their love and emotions. It doesn't hold them back and that's what I find particularly frightening now that child me didn't comprehend. Micheal Sheen, from what I remember of his interview years ago, played on the idea that vampires of Aro's age kinda begin to lose their mind. Which, hell freaking yes. However there is one thing I hate for Aro's character that happened in the movies. Breaking dawn part 2. That fucking laugh. Don't get me wrong, hilarious. I can't not laugh but for his character I felt it was too 'hey hey I'm a crazy man hehe'. It was a but too much, even for an eccentric Aro. However, I'm not to mad at it because again, it was funny to watch. I thoroughly enjoy the ‘friendship’ Aro and Carlisle share and i love that it is ‘maintained’ throughout the books. I think it’s just a really nice detail. (I love lore. I am a sucker for it.) The one thing that didnt sit right with me is Aro marrying someone so that he wasnt the alone one whilst his co-leaders were very much in love? Was a little off for me but i suppose that just adds to the character.

Caius: child me would shrink into the seat because what did I do to this man? High key still think I wouldn't want to be Caius' child because imagine doing something wrong and you get that glare? No thank you! Scary angry man. As an adult... "He's an angry boi but...DAYUM WHY IS HE SUDDENLY SO HOT?" Just...don't get angry with me. You'll get annoying real quick and you're too pretty for that. I enjoy the taking-no-shit attitude he has but felt it could have been a little more prominent in BDP2 where Aro asks if Caius' is challenging him. I full believe Caius to an extend would be like "yes, yes I am. Don't be an idiot Aro. Use that braincell!" Which is why I adore the meme vibes I see every now and then of Caius hating Carlisle because why does Aro love that blonde so much? CAIUS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL-- Anyways, I can totally get why Aro wants him on his team. Caius is so angry and has so much hatred that he’s a good asset to the coven, even if not having a special ability.I do find it hard to imagine that Caius is a century older than Aro though. Although I cant picture him over forty years old lol. Although i do personally enjoy the whole Caius x Athenodora route. IT’S TRUE LOVE! Okay so maybe thats a little dramatic but its better than Aro’s lmao.

Marcus: movie Marcus is absolutely not nineteen years old and that's just a fact. If anything, he's the forty year old one lmao. Child me couldn't care about this man. He was the man who said nothing and slumped on a throne. That was Marcus. That was his character summed up. Then adult me rolled in and OMG NO DON'T DO THIS TO THIS SWEET MAN. LET HIM BE IN LOVE. As an adult i definitely became more attached. I feel like i was too young back then to get why Marcus was in the Volturi. He seemed very out of place and like a filler co-leader more than anything. However as i’ve gotten older (and written for him), I recognised that's the point. That’s Marcus’ evident grief. He isn’t there by choice and losing Didyme caused him to fall out of line with the coven. He’s lost point or purpose. Almost like its become meaningless because the love of his life was gone and he couldn't save her.So what was the aims of the Volturi to protect vampire kind when they couldn’t protect their own? He couldnt protect her. I had never heard of anything like bond identification and once i had- i was shook, like it became clear why he had been so necessary in the first place. That really is handy to understand everyones bonds in a coven, he could direct Chelsea and the two alone could destroy covens by bonds alone. Marcus makes the Volturi more realistic in a lot of ways. Like in a family, there is the happy times, goofy people like Felix, the twins representing a close bond. Afton and Chelsea, love that cant be divided. The list really goes on. Marcus represents love and heartbreak, pain, loss grief, the sad moments every family goes through. In that way he makes the coven seem less invincible, a group of people who at the end of the day, have their own weaknesses and immortality doesn’t mean a perfect existence. Especially when, in my opinion, Bella fantasized about immortality and how perfect it would be. Even after her change, she waited for her happy ending because that was somehow guaranteed in some level. Which in the end, she got but not everyone gets that happy ending we all want. I also personally think Marcus is the most feeling of the Volturi, despite being apathetic. A result of heartbreak. It’s shown he can still feel more in his own ways when he voted against Renesmee being destroyed. Furthermore, he advocated that vampire hybrids were a lot like vampires. He made that relation openly before anyone. Its almost as though losing Didyme helped him value a life?

Jane and Alec: Child me thought these two were  badass...and that still remains in my adult life. It’s always been uncomfortable to me that someone so young is so sadistic and powerful. Jane is the older twin with the ability of pain illusion...yikes. Her ability was evident in her human life along with Alec’s. His gift is sensory deprivation and these two were my favourites in the whole Saga. Still kind of are if im honest. I thoroughly enjoy the twins backstory. It has the most detail. I have a tag for the twins. Canon!twins is the tag for the twins in their book age. Unless this tag is present, the twins have been aged up :). They are very much canon but I put a bit more emphasis on tantrums. If they get angry, they both have tantrums. So whilst (unless tagged) they aren't children they can be very childish and these tantrums are pretty deadly. They’re also very possessive? I dont even know if thats the right word i’m looking for in all honesty. Lets say they get very attached if they like you. These two are probably the most secluded out of the whole Volturi.

Felix: Felix! High ranking guard due to strength and speed. I am a major supporter of Felix being a gladiator when he was human. He as a lighter grey cloak meaning he isn’t as high ranked but is so good at what he does that he’s been kept for centuries...and a lot of them. Personality? FINALLY, WE’VE GOT ONE WITH PERSONALITY!! (Im writing these out of order and i’ve just finished a chunk of Volturi members who have personalities as invisible as Afton.) Flirtatious and Light hearted, we love flirtatious and light hearted! Basically a comedian! Helllll yes, keep it going! Extremely vicious and highly aggressive? You know what? I still like it. He wouldn’t be a Volturi without a dark side. Cold blooded murderer. Yes. 10/10. Finally, someone Smeyer seems to actually care about. He flirted with Bella a couple of times in the books and i was FOR IT ALL THE WAY. I was very sad i saw none of it in the movies but im used to heartbreak by now. Im in this fandom after all. We were robbed of a lot. Strongest vampire in the world? I believe you, he’s also a hecking treeeeee. HE DO BE A TALL BOI. He actually makes Demetri look small and that’s still hilarious to me. Demetri is actually tall. However, if it isnt obvious we clearly traded backstory for personality. I cant get both smh. So...as i said before I fully believe Felix was a gladiator back in the day, hence his physique and height and excellent fighting abilities he has even as a vampire but then it kind of ends. I will say from the dawn of time, i don’t think Felix is the most academic man, just because of his era. I also think majority of the Volturi couldn’t read of write in their human lives and had to learn much older, most learning as vampires. Felix was one of these vampires, Although even now he isnt the most great at it. Then a wonderful writer known as @wallwriterstuff included it and now it’s canon in my eyes. I fully believe Felix is a slow reader and writing isn’t his strong suit either. Wallwriter also includes the possibility that Felix could be dyslexic which im all for too. For a very long time i’ve considered writing a dyslexic reader with the Volturi but have always hesitated because i don’t have it and wouldn’t want to upset someone for any misunderstandings or inaccuracies. However what i will say is that i think vampires would be the most understanding to humans with dyslexia. Learning things like that in later development or as an adult is difficult and they wouldnt think any less of you for struggling with reading, writing, numeracy- you name it. You’ll probably find they’re with you in the struggle at least half of the time. He’s also the goofball of the Volturi, even though he’s not really a goofball in our eyes, he’s the closest to a goofball out of the whole Volturi ...Emmett beats him in the Goofball wars.

Demetri: Oh yeah, it's Demetri's turn! So Demetri was previously in Amun's coven. When Chelsea gave him the old razzle dazzle...I've said Chelsea's gift so many times at this point it's getting old. I have two characters left after Demetri 😂😂 Anyway, with that Demetri was like "welp, I'm in the Volturi now." And now that they had a better tracker the previous one was kicked out. He isn’t much of a talker, polite and formal. He’s elegant (more graceful than i could ever be) and charming...yeah he is, you can say that AGAIN. He is also very calm, when next to Felix, i think everyone is calm but you know, we’ll say he’s a very calm person. I like how he was originally in the Egyptian coven with Amun. Given Amun’s goals this a pretty nice detail. NOW LETS GO TO MY VERSION. He’s very charming, calm, polite, formal and even a lil’ but quiet, i kept him pretty canon because he actually had a description to go on :))))))))))  Moving on. Demetri can be a very successful flirt when he wants to be and does have a Casanova reputation. However beyond the charming Volturi guard who has a brutal side like the rest of them, he has a chewy centre, deep down. I added that he had a child in his human life, one he doesn’t remember and very few people know about. He remembers that they died of an illness very young (around six?) but can’t remember what they look like. For that reason he doesn’t like talking about his child, he feels awful he doesn’t remember them and the loss still hits a pang in his chest. 

Heidi: Alright im ready for this one! Child me didn’t necessarily enjoy Heidi? I was rather passive about her. It was all ‘pretty vampire used for her looks’ in my eyes back then and i was never comfortable with that. I’ll get into my take on Heidi in a moment, roll on the backstory!  So Heidi knew Victoria as they used to be coven mates and we’re going to continue on as though Heidi didn’t care when she was killed? Like...its genuinely a burning question in my mind! If she didn't care, could that show the extent of Chelsea’s power in action!? (can we tell im enthusiastic about this coven yet?) It’s quite smart to have someone lure in prey. I wont lie, Heidi has quite the badass role in the coven. I wouldn't have thought about that I reckon. I’ve always thought that showed a kind of superiority. Oh you guys need to hunt your prey? pfft, ours literally comes to us. Her backstory really starts with Heidi being mistreated in her human life...a common theme Smeyer has. It can get old- i wont lie but when i give it some thought it kind of makes sense. Rosalie said it herself in eclipse, if any one of them had their happy ending, they’d be six feet under but i’d love a little bit more creativity. I could go on about how male vampires ended up being changed in comparison to female vampires but i’ll swiftly move on because that’s a whole other thing alone. Heidi was changed out of pity. (Which kinda infuriates me just to type, a pity change? Really? Really Hilda? we’ll see why it annoys me when i explain my take on Heidi.) Heidi was happy in her coven with Hilda, Victoria etc, which is hell yes. We love that. This is around the time she discovered her gift. Vampires were attracted to her and humans fell prey to her easily. Yup okay. I’ll take that. After a newborn vampire caused ‘too much attention’ Aro spared Heidi and Chelsea used her gift on Heidi. Nice, very nice aaaaand that’s where it stops and im left hanging.  Personality time with Smeyer! Lets goooo.  From what i remember and can find- she didn’t fucking have one. Apparently being pretty is enough for everyone.  Which in hindsight, fair enough on a human Bella’s perspective, its literally Heidi’s gift to lure you in no matter what. She could tell you she’s a serial killer (and technically is lmao) and is about to sell your kidneys on the black market as to which you’ll be like ‘sign me the fuck up, want my liver too? Here, let me lie on the table for you. I’m down.’ without even realising what just happened. But even beyond that...Heidi has no personality traits mentioned. In New Moon she appears to be a little flirty which im all for, why the hell not? But...thats it? Thats all I get? Then we get into fanfictions, because i read them growing up. Heidi was depicted as flirtatious, promiscuous and then it varied between manipulative or she wasnt very smart. Which i’m knocking absolutely no one for. I think you can get a badass character who is incredibly dumb. I think all characters are actually valid whether they’re a genius or flat out dumb. I love them all. However it never really sat with me. I was never quite satisfied which i was fine with until i started writing for myself. That’s when i knew i’d have to really think about what my version of Heidi would be or i’d never be happy with my work. That and you also begin to fill in the blanks? The more you write the more you flesh out a character for yourself and so that rolls into my version of Heidi! So for my Heidi, she often gets the same trope of ‘she’s pretty and rich, those types of girls have easy lives who always had everything given to them.’ Then when it’s discovered she didn’t have a good human life. It turns to the next assumption of ‘oh she’s pretty and stupid enough to be used and manipulated’. In a lot of ways, that’s what Heidi wants everyone to think. Underestimate her, please, its all the easier to manipulate you if you do.  She’s actually very smart and her rough human life made her more tough and intelligent. She’s very manipulative and yes she’s very flirty. You can look but you cant touch! She enjoys the attention her beauty gets her but if only these people would care more about what she’s like as a person. She’s not a barbie doll she will play you if she needs to. The only one who’s actually gotten far enough to sleep with Heidi is Demetri and even then the two don’t see each other romantically. They’re good friends who thinks the other is very attractive but that's where it ends. They’re basically friends with benefits some times lmao. However, Demetri got that far because he see’s the intellect Heidi actually has and acknowledges it. He thinks shes a queen who should be treated as such. She could take anything she wanted, a storm that people can only hope to survive in one piece.  Secretly she enjoys a family setting. Whilst she never really wanted children (especially when she was expected to when human), she couldn't help but melt inside seeing little human children with their loving parents. She wants that for all children. Whether that's because she lacked such affection growing up, no one knows. She’s also a really good friend, you bet she’ll have your back. Crappy ex? Well we’ll show them, wont we (Y/N)? She’ll be a bitch and enjoy every second of it. She also loves the single life, believe it or not, you’ll have more difficulty getting Heidi to settle down than you would Demetri which speaks volumes.  So yeah, move past her gift and really get to know her and you might have a very good friend.  I also don’t see Heidi having a preference between male or females and that’s in all honesty. Times have changed and if she is attracted to another female then she wont be ashamed of it. She never has been (Demetri was the first to figure that out, Felix may be the last.) Even when the times weren’t approving of different sexualities, she didn't care. She will flirt with you and find it ridiculously cute if you get flustered.

Sulpicia: Sulpicia was an orphan which i used to develop my own version of her. Sulpicia grew to love Aro which im on the fence about but yup, i’ll take it. You’ll see what happens with my version in a bit lmao. and that’s where it stops. I get no personality again but do you know what we do in this fandom? We create one and fill in the blanks baby! So i write Sulpicia very materialistic and vain, she’s most snobbish of the wives and due to the other two, also considered the meaner one. She didnt have such things as a child being an orphan so when she got the opportunity to have it-she jumped. She isnt easily impressed and married Aro not for love but for immortality, money and status. (He’s only married you for your money, princess Jasmine! HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR MONEY! Damn it tik tok, but make it princess Aro) Which works well, because Aro doesnt necessarily love her either, he just wanted a mate so he wasnt the odd one out.He literally created her because he was like “Yup, you’ll do.” The two recognised they made a great team and image so they kinda grew to love each other? A little bit? Sure we’ll say its love...sorta. ANYWAY, It’s a highlight to Sulpicia being locked in that tower where she doesnt need to see Aro every little moment, it’s better than having a husband who she’d need to see everyday. ...Yeah my Sulpicia is something else lmao.

Athenodora:  Athenodora is one of the oldest vampires in existence which kinda has me shook but I'll take it. She met Caius when he was fleeing from the Romanians, the two travelled together until they met Aro. Whilst on their nomadic travels they seemingly became mates. That's all we know about that. As to which the Volturi coven was made. Athenodora is completely loyal to Caius as well as highly dependent on him and I think that's very realistic given her circumstances. That's where their story ends...maybe for Smeyer but not for me! 😁 So I picture Caius and Athenodora being different sides of the same coin. Athenodora really mellows Caius, she is no where near is violent and sadistic as he is but due to her unwavering loyalty and dependency, she doesn't feel inclination to go against him...also because of Chelsea and Corin but I've said that so many times in this post I think we get the point. I think she's actually more gentle and soft spoken but that being said. She is very reserved and if she were to be angered she'd very much change. She could cut you down with words alone. Caius loves it. However beyond this is someone who is very maternal. Caius would appreciate it more if the two had children but instead it has created empathy. Caius doesn't want that when he can rip their head off. She struggles a little more with the 'no second chances' and that's another reason why Caius keeps her locked away and away from it. These two love each other more than words can describe. After being through so much with someone, the love can only grow. The two would happily risk their life for the other. Caius is saddened that he could never give her the family she wanted. He knows that to this day, Athenodora tries to reign in that side of her. He's a very supportive husband who's very different around his wife. He's much more tolerant, and angry. Simply more at ease. If anything happened to Athenodora, to put it simply...there would be hell to pay.

Didyme: Married to Marcus and Aro’s biological sister. Cute, me likely, keepy going. Her gift was happiness induction. VERY ADORABLE- Dont be as menacing as your brother...please. She was born several years after Aro and was changed by Aro ten and a half years after he was turned. (Dont tease me with all this lore Smeyer, I know what you’re gonna do) Aro was deeply disappointed her gift was just to make people happy- its okay Didyme, we love you. Aro is just...Aro. Her gift made many fall in love with her and its so freaking cute i CANT- but she only felt the same feelings for Marcus. MY HEART IS SO WARMMMM. Unfortunately they were so happy together that they lost interest in anything Volturi and were ready to leave. (Uh oh.) Aro, being the sneaky fellow he is, was like “I’m really happy for y’all of course you can leave. I love you my babies. My best friend and my sisterrrrrrr, I am the captain of this SHIP.” but was actually like “wait, no, no, no, not my Marcus. D-D-Did-Didyme I NEED him.” Think Sid the Sloth from ice age in the first movie when Sid really wants the baby. So this man is like...gonna have to do it to em and murder. He killed Didyme secretly (dunno how he pulled the secret part off- like i know how he did it but how did no one hear or see anything or even suspect anything IT WAS LITERAL FRIENDLY FIRE but we love the drama so continue.) Ironically enough she was very close with Aro and the two actually did love each other, Aro is just...murderous apparently, to the extent that even his sister isnt safe. And that’s it. That’s Didyme. Which im like...alright Smeyer i see you. I like this and expanded on this with my Didyme.  i get the vibes that Didyme is the most innocent and kind of all the Volturi. Losing her meant losing the consciousness within the Volturi making them all the more ruthless because there was no one to say. “Guys, maybe lets rethink this? and quickly because i cant get Caius to put down the torch thats currently on fire.” Losing Didyme made Marcus mostly become passive and would rarely stop anything that happened. I often wonder if that provoked a lot of guilt for Marcus later on. (However thats a spoiler for something im currently writing...;) ) I also think of her as a major daydreamer and the most soft, gentle person anyone will ever meet. Like its difficult not to like her despite being in the Volturi, even the Romanians would have struggled if they met her. So in the long run...i hate nothing about Didyme, only find more and more love lmao.

Corin: So im going to be honest and tell you i have no idea what Corin would look like. I’ve got nothing and when i was younger i wasnt even sure if Corin was male or female. Like a lot of these names, i had never heard of the name ‘Corin’. I dont write for her as of yet because im still trying to figure her out. I think she’s quite quiet, she lets her gift do most of the work for her in keeping the wives, Chelsea and Caius when he doesnt get to go on a rampage, content. She was brought in also after Didyme died but Marcus refused her gift.That’s all i’ve got for her. Her gift is amazing, pretty underrated in my personal opinion since like Chelsea, she really helps keep the Volturi unified but other than that, I dont have much to say about her. :(

Afton:  Another character i basically filled the blanks in for myself. So what we’re told is that he’s Chelsea’s mate and has the ability to disappear . Whilst thats a pretty cool trick...the volturi dont necessarily need it but they have to keep Chelsea happy and she demands that Afton stays so welcome to the family Afton! I also recently learned that if you hide behind Afton and he goes invisible infront of an opponent, you too will also be invisible. I figure that is until the opponent moves and basically changes their perspective but i could be wrong with that last part. That’s all we get so time for my unnecessary input!  SO AFTON IS A TOTAL SWEETHEART. He’s very shy but polite. This is a complete opposite to his mate Chelsea. It’s actually what she liked about him. At first is was just be flirtatious to the shy vampire but when she actually got to know him... she fell hard. It was also Chelsea who had made the first move since Afton was so shy. Of course she’d never say so and Afton would never want to embarrass her so that was never really disclosed to anyone who wasn’t around at that time. She brings Afton out of his shell a lot and it wasn’t long before the two were mates. Chelsea is the light of his life. Hands down. He puts up with a lot for her and is happy to do so. She could ask anything of him and he’d do it and she doesn’t even need to use her gift. He buys are anything she wants almost instantly. He cant help but adore her passionate personality, like how hooked she can get on era’s such as the 1920′s, her love for jazz music and her ability to gush on and on about anything. The two had what the other lacked and that made them an excellent team. I love their relationship. I cant help it. However, as i said before Afton is very shy and tends to keep to himself. Sadly that, paired with Chelsea’s demand to keep him in the Volturi has left Afton a little bit outcasted. All the other permanent guards were wanted and considered important whilst Afton...not so much. Although that isn’t to say the other guards are mean to him or anything. They aren’t! (Except the twins who are...the twins.) Felix and Demetri tried to include him a lot but it was very difficult to break him out of his shell. That doesn’t mean to say they wont invite Afton when he’s around. Chelsea always appreciates their efforts. Afton is notably good friends with Santiago, who often preferred solitude as well. 

(Guard to the left is who I imagine Afton is)

Chelsea: So supposedly Chelsea’s original name is Charmion? When i was younger i didnt really care much about her. I only really knew her gift and that she was the reason Afton was kept in the Volturi, since they were mates. From what im aware Chelsea basically wasnt in the movies/not identified. There wasnt much said about her in the books either. So since then i’ve kind of developed my own persona of Chelsea that could be completely inaccurate to canon but canon was my foundations with characters like these. She was always a red head in my eyes with ringlets, a copper kind of red head. I also pictured her to be small. However the newest addition to her character would have to be the mid-Atlantic accent. I blame Poppy Hill for this one. That character screamed Chelsea to me. She was very close to how i imagine Chelsea to be. So now Chelsea has an accent that i have no clue how she managed to maintain being in Italy so long and being born in Greece. LMAO. We’ll say she was very attached to that time. However, I think the time she joined the Volturi was actually very good for the story. She first came around just after Marcus had lost Didyme and Aro had her use her ability to keep Marcus in the coven. it’s really cool how she could really make or break the coven. Although, Aro was smart enough to not fully rely on her, using Corin’s ability on Chelsea to make sure she’d be happy and stay within the Volturi. Thats where the information on Chelsea really ends Over the years Chelsea has appeared in my writing and so beyond this point, Chelsea’s character is only my depiction.  I figure Chelsea is a talker, like she can talk her way in and out of situations with ease. She enjoys being manipulated and even more so, being needed.Much like her gift, she gets under people’s skin- not in terms that she’s annoying but more so she can figure out people very well. Her mate is the complete opposite and so she often speaks on the behalf of them. Chelsea is very social and charismatic. She along with Heidi are the only two Volturi members who will be out and interacting with humans if necessary. Heidi for her ability but Chelsea purely for her social skills. She’s also the most interested in human culture. She loves the parties- the 1920′s being her favourite era in terms of fashion. She has no issue changing her name and has done so multiple times when the names run out of fashion.It’s like playing dress up! I’d actually love to write more about her. I’ve really grown to love her character, even if i filled in some blanks for myself. I think she and Afton’s relationship is one of the best, up there with Carlisle and Esme- despite the two being very different. It’s a part of their dynamic!

(I always imagined Chelsea to be a red head but Poppy Hill from THOHH is a very close depiction to Chelsea in my eyes)

Renata: A stressed little bean that lives on stress. I remember thinking when i was younger she was the big threat since she was Aro’s shield but now that im older i see...a stressed little five foot bean. I have no idea what she looks like but always imagine her dark hair tied in a tight bun, looking almost painful. Another who wears heels, like Heidi but she is very rigid just as she has been described. Her uncle is a bit of an ass considering he begged her to go with the Volturi so there wouldn’t be a threat. Dude, can you not just...hand over your niece? At least hesitate! Just like that, thanks to Chelsea, she’d give her life to protect Aro and...I have nothing else. Yes it does drive me mad that there are two named guards i know next to nothing about.

Santiago:So what’s known about Santiago is that he doesn’t actually have an ability. He’s just very good at battle techniques and fighting which is why he’s kept around. If they need fighters, they’re top three are Felix, Demetri and Santiago...in that order. Santiago is also much faster than a regular vampire (as shown in breaking dawn part 2- he caught up to Jacob and Renesmee quite fast despite the two having a running start and wolves supposedly being very fast- much like a vampire) That’s all we know of him so then i got in there and this is how I write Santiago. I gave him the background of coming from a superstitious family. Like he would be told tales of demons and witches growing up as well as things like voodoo. He knew an awful lot of urban legends and whilst he stopped believing in the bad luck his family taught him, he still held interest and couldn’t help the instinct of unease when witnessing such things as rituals. It’s ironic really. However Santiago always deems that humans have it all wrong. These forces are beyond human understanding and shouldn’t be played with. In that way, perhaps Santiago still has some belief in things such as superstition. He’s very secretive about it and would never clarify it for you. Santiago keeps to himself and can be quite standoffish. He can also be blunt even if it’s insulting- he doesn’t tend to care. Although he and Afton became quite good friends since the Afton was an outcast and Santiago didn’t enjoy large groups, or most people in general.

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 7) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

After Logan finished eating, Patton showed him his office. First, he was given his personal and work files which were familiar in organizational structure even if they had years’ worth of new information in them and his work files had a new subfolder for teaching instead of being purely for schoolwork. Yet, the thing that most interested Logan was the new file designation which Patton retrieved for him by finding a key in a hidden desk drawer compartment and using it to open a secret compartment in the wall. The files there were red and completely new to Logan. Thankfully, they still had quite a bit of structure that he was able to pick up quickly and there were easy to read tables of contents with understandable subsection titles.

He flipped curiously through the first few. They reflected the story Patton had told him earlier in content as well as form. The beginning files were either blue for work or plain white since his foray into superherodom had started from an academic source.

Though he had not known Logan at the time by his own admission, Patton’s knowledge of his early days of being a superhero were perfectly accurate based on the files. That combined with his knowledge about where the files were in the first place, stroked Logan’s curiosity regarding the man even more. Logan was not a trusting person, at least he had not been at 18, and he imagined not much had changed in the last 10 years. So, he had to wonder what it was about Patton that had made him willing to share so much about his life and clearly heavily protected aspects of his life at that. He did not imagine he would share his exploits as a hero with just anyone.

And, if it were just his exploits as a hero, perhaps he would have even understood that. It was good to have an ally, especially one with useful skills such as a doctor. Yet, Patton’s knowledge went deeper than even that to things more personal, ones not in these files or any of his others. He knew things about Logan: his favorite color, why he prefers some fabrics over others, and stories that had never left his lips in his current memories.

Why? He had to wonder. What made this person so different than everyone else?

Certainly, he could see the appeal of him as a romantic partner in the theoretical sense.

He was a doctor which was useful considering Logan’s superhero status likely led to physical injuries sometimes. In addition, that was a well-paying, respectable job, though it did have an unpredictable work schedule. Achievement in that field spoke of enough intellect to be on par with Logan even if they were in different areas.

He was also clearly adequately skilled in other things. He had managed to find Logan and get him back to his apartment and seemed to have enough emotional control to do what was necessary in the situation.

This was someone he imagined his parents would have likely expected for him as a romantic partner (if they expected anything at all). Though, Logan did have to worry that if they were both not particularly emotionally expressive then there may not be a good balance in the relationship.

Logan watched as he flipped through one of his personal files to get a picture from his college graduation to show him with practiced ease. He was comfortable around Logan’s organizational system, he noted. That was something no one had ever bothered to be before. Most people either tolerated or scorned the way he kept his files, but Patton knew his way around it almost as well as Logan himself, better in fact when it came to the new red files, fingers always flipping to the correct pages in seconds when Logan asked questions.

It was nice to have someone care enough to learn it.

It felt as though something shifted marginally inside his chest at the thought of someone being patient enough to learn how Logan organized his life. To do so was to basically learn how Logan’s mind worked. He… hadn’t known that was something he might want.

Oh.

That, he suddenly knew with clarity, that was why. Or at least part of why. It had to be.

“So,” Patton broached suddenly, likely catching him staring and wonder why, “Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

Logan blinked at him. “You already know me. Better than I do myself at the moment.”

“Sure, but I’ve only known versions of you that I’ve known.”

“Yes. That is typically how reality works.”

“Well not today,” he pointed out and… fair point. “Plus, maybe you’ll start to remember more if you start talking about yourself. Like when you’re trying to remember the title of a song so you sing the lyrics you know until you get to the point where they use the title in the song.”

Logan considered that. “That sounds like a rational strategy to try. What should I talk about?”

“Well, I know a lot about the events that happened in your life, but not really what you thought about them at the time. What are things you like and dislike in your life right now. You know,” he paused, “what are things you find annoying? Stuff like that.”

“I like coffee,” Logan said after a moment of consideration, “and school. Libraries. I like order and schedules and it makes me uncomfortable when things don’t go to plan. I don’t like impromptu things or eating outside. I don’t really like when people are overly emotional or when they cry mostly because I never know how to respond. I don’t like my English teacher because she once had a mental breakdown crying about a dream she had for 30 minutes when a student asked her if she’d graded our papers. Also, she was homophobic. I like math and science and my parents. Though, I dislike when they insist, I try to go out and “have fun.” I especially disliked when they set me up with a date for the homecoming. When I said I didn’t want to go especially with a girl they set me up with a boy for the next dance which was… nice as they attempted to listen to me, but they entirely missed the point. I dislike messes. I like jam. I want to major in math and physics and get my PhD in at least one… that seemed to work out. My calculus teacher was my favorite even though everyone else seemed to resent her, but we also mostly all passed the advanced placement test, so I think it was worth it. Also, she was kind.”

“You had a homophobic English teacher?” Patton asked.

“Ah, yes, did I never mention?” Logan asked. “She made her views known to a boy in the year below me and got fired a month ago.”

“You never told me about that.”

“Perhaps I decided she was no longer worth dwelling on. The man who took her place seems adequate, though I am not in his class. I also like my current English teacher. She says she got her teaching degree later in life and before that used to be a cultural anthropologist. She tells us stories about different places she’s been.”

Patton smiled. “She sounds interesting,” he said.

“Yes, and it is quite an interesting course. It is an extra one beyond what I must take to graduate. We write a research paper over the course of the entire semester.” Logan paused for a long moment. “This does not seem to be doing anything.”

Patton nodded. “Okay,” he said. “That’s fine. We’ll try something else. Maybe we should have lunch first though.”

Logan was starting to feel a bit hungry. “That is a good idea.”

Want to read more? Click below!

AO3 Part 8

[protectwoc]

The Problem with Mal (part 1/3)

Or, Framing and Why It’s Important

Let me get this out of the way right away: I love Descendants. I love DCOMs, I always have, and I love musical DCOMs even more. High School Musical and its sequels were my whole life growing up, and I can sing every word of every Camp Rock 2 song right now from memory (even though I didn’t like Camp Rock 1; don’t hate me.) But what I love even more than musical DCOMs is Disney Movies. Aladdin, Mulan, Hercules, these are some of my favorite movies from growing up, so combining Disney Movies with Disney Channel Original Movie/Musical? The most galaxy-brained idea imaginable from my point of view.

BUT.

I have a problem with the writing in Descendants. More specifically, I have a problem with Mal.

Quite frankly, I just don’t like Mal. I think she’s mean, and I think the movies would be better off if she wasn’t in them. If I completely turn my brain off and absorb the story the way I’m sure the writers want me to I could be fine with her, but the second I begin to think about any of her actions beyond the surface or the implications of those actions I remember why I don’t like her. I didn’t like her in the first movie, and that feeling has only grown exponentially with the release of every moment. All of that culminated in D3, where my Mal-hate has reached its peak. It has bubbled over, and I must release it somehow.

So what am I going to do with that? I’m going to write about it. Why? Mostly because my brother wouldn’t listen to me complain/rant about it and I had to put these emotions somewhere. Let’s do this.

DISCLAIMER(S)

1. This is literally a giant anti-Mal hate post. I’m going to try to keep this as even and fair as I can, but I’m not going to pretend like this is an unbiased assessment. If you are a Mal stan, this is the part when you click away.

2. I am by no means a literary or film analyst. I am technically a “writer”, but that’s about all the credentials I can provide. If you’re looking for actual academic discussion, you are going to be sorely disappointed.

3. This has nothing to do with Dove Cameron. I actually like Dove, I think she’s a talented actress and singer (rapping and dancing notwithstanding). I mean, I watched every single episode of Liv and Maddie when I was way past too old for that to be acceptable. Dove Cameron is probably a fine human being, I really appreciated what she said about the addition of politics into the Descendants universe, and I actually like her in the role, I just wish I liked the role itself. But I don’t want anyone to take this as an attack on her as a person or anything.

4. I read the Isle of the Lost when it first came out like a thousand years ago, and the Wikipedia synopsis for Rise of the Isle of the Lost. I also watched the first three or four episodes of Wicked World and I can’t remember a single thing that happened in them. With that said, this essay is ONLY about the movies. The movies should be (and are, I believe) able to stand on their own, and at this point, I’m not even sure if the tie-ins are considered canon anymore. With that said, there are some things from the tie-ins that are pretty much common knowledge among fandoms (Uma and Mal didn’t get along on the Isle because Mal was kind of a bully, the VKs’ parents were abusive, etc) that probably bled into this essay. If there’s something I wrote about that has been rendered noncanon by the movies please let me know. On the same track, please don’t comment saying that something from Wicked World explained/justified/whatever else a point that I make, because it’s not going to change my argument.

5. This is not, like, me passing judgment on Mal stans. I’m not saying that Mal stans are bad or dumb or whatever for liking her character. I don’t really expect this to change anyone’s mind about stanning Mal either. This is purely a cathartic exercise for myself that I decided to inflict on the world for some reason.

Okay, I think that’s about it. If you have any thoughts at all on this, please come talk to me about it! Agree, disagree, love it, hate it, I literally just want to talk to other descendants fans. Y’all ready to do this? I give you…

Part 1: Mal Alone

Let’s look at the series of actions and the motivations behind them for Mal’s character.

Descendants 1

Mal is chosen to go to Auradon; she is very reluctant.

Her mother demands that she steal the fairy godmother’s wand, Mal agrees.

Mal convinces the others to help her steal the wand; they break into the museum but fail to retrieve it.

Mal learns that positioning herself as Ben’s girlfriend will give her the best shot at retrieving the wand, she spells Ben into falling in love with her.

As all this is happening, Mal is gaining popularity at school for her ability to provide magically beautiful hairstyles.

On their first date, Mal begins to have actual feelings for Ben, she considers releasing him from the spell.

Audrey, her grandmother, and the other AKs bully Mal and the rest of the VKs, and Mal regains her faith in the plan. She also takes away Jane’s magical hair.

Mal concedes from the plan enough to decide to release Ben from the spell, but only after the coronation.

Mal considers stealing the wand; before she gets the chance, Jane does so and accidentally opens the barrier.

Mal takes the wand back from Jane to give to her mother, Ben convinces her not to.

Mal defeats her mother and remains by Ben’s side in Auradon.

Notice a theme here? Mal is characterized by two things, and essentially two things only: her ambition and her survivalist spirit. I should clarify that when I say ambition, I don’t necessarily mean in the traditional, politically power-hungry sense. Mal is an opportunist. Every decision she makes is done with the intention of securing a position for herself, and usually a high-ranking position.

She rules the island before coming to Auradon and is reluctant to leave that position of power when given the opportunity. When she arrives at Auradon, she becomes the school’s magically appointed hairstylist, first to seduce information out of Jane, and then because it gains her popularity within the school. Notice how as soon as this popularity is taken out of the equation, Mal disappears all of the beautiful hairstyles? Mal wasn’t sharing her magic for any kind, selfless reason, but because it could get her something, and as soon as she stopped being able to get something, she took them away.

Mal also finesses her way into the already-occupied spot of the second most powerful person in the kingdom. From there every decision she makes is an attempt to keep that spot. It could be argued that Mal displayed some selfless impulse when she decided to free Ben from her love spell, but even this comes second to herself. She tells him explicitly that the cupcake is for “later”, as in, after the coronation and after she and her mother have already taken over, and when he eats a bit anyway, she yells “No!” at him. Maybe she does feel something for Ben, but he still clearly comes second to herself.

Then in the finale, she chooses good, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because it “makes her happy”. Although this movie was marketed as “villain kids learning to be good,” among other things, Mal never actually learned this lesson. She is okay playing second fiddle to her mother for a little bit, but her pivotal moment of growth is ultimately her deciding that she’d rather be Ben’s number two, and there she remains.

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the second movie.

Mal opens the movie trying to fit herself into the perfect princess/girlfriend role, which makes her unhappy.

On a date with Ben, she gets caught using magic and attempts to spell him into forgetting their argument.

Mal runs off from her date and away to the Isle. Once there, she immediately reverts to her villain self, even going so far as to dye her hair in a stunning bit of Disney subtlety.

While there, Uma, her old rival, kidnaps her boyfriend. She works to get him back but maintains that she will be staying on the Isle after he is safe.

Mal and Evie sing a beautiful song about how much they mean to each other, but it does not change her mind.

During the battle, Mal (apparently) changes her mind. She returns to the Isle with Ben and her friends but seems unhappy about it.

At the coronation, Mal again slips into her “perfect” persona, shown by her wearing Auradon’s colors.

Uma arrives at the coronation, having spelled Ben into falling in love with her. Mal is heartbroken and tries to leave.

She is stopped by Jane revealing Ben’s coronation gift to her, a stained-glass picture of her in her Isle colors.

Mal true-love’s-kisses Ben awake. She turns into a dragon and fights Uma. When she turns back, she is dressed in the gown depicted in the picture.

In this movie, too, Mal makes every decision with the intention of securing her personal standing. She dislikes being forced to play a part at the beginning of the movie, but she is willing to put up with it if it means getting to stay Ben’s girlfriend, even to the point of spelling her boyfriend who she claims to love. When she believes for a second that that option could be lost to her, she immediately retreats to the Isle, where she is guaranteed some measure of power.

When she arrives, however, she finds that someone has usurped her position on the Isle, and it is Uma, her old rival. When she discovers that Uma has kidnapped Ben, she tries everything to get him back. This, it could be said is an altruistic act, done out of love for another person, but even this is tarnished because she clearly does not love Ben enough to be with him. She makes that very clear over and over again. She even sings a whole song about how much she loves Evie but again, not enough to leave her position of power.

So if it’s not love, why else would she go through so much trouble to rescue Ben? Simple: she cannot allow her rival to get a leg up on her. Mal spends the rest of the movie after she discovers Uma is involved working to publicly undermine her. Why else would she agree to an arm-wrestling match of all things in front of Uma’s entire crew? When they leave the isle after rescuing Ben, Mal doesn’t end up with them because she changes her mind about Ben or Evie, but to prevent Uma from escaping after her. For two straight movies now, Mal has refused to make even a single unselfish decision.

Let’s move on to Descendants 3, arguably the worst offender.

Mal opens the movie helping the other four VKs announce the new arrivals into Auradon.

She is next shown keeping an eye out for Uma, the only other person who poses a threat to her.

Ben proposes to her, securing her position as Queen of Auradon.

Mal, Ben, and the other VKs return to the Isle to pick up the chosen children, but as they are leaving, Hades almost escapes.

When Hades, her estranged father, and Uma, her bitter rival, both appear to pose a threat, Mal suggests that they close the barrier permanently and prevent any other VKs from crossing over.

She lies to Evie about her role in the closing of the barrier to preserve their friendship.

When Mal discovers that Audrey, her original bully, poses a danger to Auradon, and herself specifically, she returns to the Isle to beg her father for help in the form of a magical ember.

On the way back, they are stopped by the Sea Three, who steal the ember from her. In exchange for the ember and their help with Audrey, Mal agrees to release all the children from the Isle, a promise she does not intend to keep.

Back in Auradon, Mal and Uma butt heads over leadership of their uneasy alliance. When Uma suggests they split up and go check Audrey’s cottage, Mal scoffs at this idea.

When they ultimately end up going with Uma’s plan and finding Audrey’s diary as a result, Mal thanks her for her contribution.

Evie is anxious about whether true love’s kiss will work on Doug. She sings a song about it, and Mal and Uma are seen behind her, encouraging her and providing backup vocals.

Audrey attempts to trap them inside the cottage, and Mal and Uma are forced to work together to free themselves.

At the Fairy Cottage, Mal admits that it was her idea to close the barrier permanently and that she still intends to go along with this plan.

Mal’s group implodes, and she sings a song about how she intends to get her happy ending.

Mal finds Audrey and attempts to battle her as a dragon. Uma, on the ground, forgives her for some reason. They combine magic and defeat Audrey, who goes into a coma.

Mal has her father temporarily escorted from the Isle so that he can wake Audrey. They reconcile.

Mal’s friends forgive her for the closing of the barrier, even the Sea Three, who apparently have no problem with returning to the Isle.

Before an audience of Auradon citizens, Mal announces her plan to close the barrier permanently. She finishes by saying that she cannot be the Queen of Auradon, she has to be Queen of both (the Isle and Auradon).

They take down the barrier and Mal is reunited with her father. At the end of the movie, the four original VKs return to the Isle to visit their parents.

Descendants 3 is interesting because it combines some of Mal’s most self-serving actions with her only three altruistic ones. Halfway through the movie, Uma makes a suggestion about how to find Audrey. Although Mal initially ignores her, the idea proves to be a good one, and Mal thanks her for her idea. This was Mal’s first entirely selfless action in three movies, which I underlined above because it is so significant.

A short while later, Evie is shown angsting about whether she and Doug are really True Love through song. In the background, Mal and Uma support her, both emotionally and through backup vocal “do-waps.” This is notable because it is the first time Mal is ever seen supporting one of her so-called friends, but we’ll get to that later.

The third and final act, also underlined above, is even more significant. Mal calls her estranged and neglectful father from the Isle to wake Audrey from her coma. This is where I must truly give Mal credit. Coming face to face with her abusive (yes, neglect is a form of abuse) father in order to help a person who bullied her and became a villain to hurt her specifically is a truly selfless action. It must have been hard for her to face him again so soon after he told her “You’re stronger with those daddy issues” (yuck). Furthermore, it would have been easy for her to leave Audrey in her coma, as Audrey had never been kind to her. This action required actual sacrifice and was done for no personal gain on Mal’s part, which makes it basically the best thing she’s ever done. Unfortunately, this scene arrives on the tail of a movie dedicated to showcasing Mal’s worst impulses at increasingly higher levels.

For the rest of the movie, Mal’s modus operandi of doing everything possible to secure her own position is in full effect. It is no coincidence that the moment she has the most to lose (Her position as Queen of Auradon at the hands of her father and her biggest rival) is the moment she makes her most callous and self-serving decision yet: to close the barrier permanently, essentially dooming all of the children still on the Island to a lifetime of poverty and oppression. Even within a small, unstable group of the original VKs + the Sea Three (and Celia I guess), Mal cannot bear not being the one in charge, arguing with Uma at every turn. And when her supposed best friends and her fiance are turned to stone, does she show any sadness for them at all? Of course not. She sings a Broadway song about how determined she is to find her own happy ending.

This, of course, culminates at the end of the movie, when Mal decides they should bring down the barrier. As an aside, bringing down the barrier is a terrible idea, because releasing all of the actual villains on the families of the heroes whose lives they attempted to ruin is… unwise, but I digress. On paper, this should also be considered a selfless act, but of course, Mal undermines it by claiming that she cannot be Queen of Auradon, she “must be the queen of the Isle too.” Her final act is synonymous with her biggest bid for power yet, and unbelievably, it works. Thus, Mal ends the third movie the same way she started the first, vying for power at the expense of Auradon (and basically everyone else.)

Mal is an incredibly selfish character. She makes three total noble decisions over three movies, and they all happen in the final installment. Amazingly, I don’t think this makes her a bad character, nor do I think this is bad writing on the part of the screenwriters. What makes this bad is the way her actions and “arc” are framed.

Self-serving protagonists can work. Look at Kuzco from The Emperor’s New Groove, or Rebecca in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, or even Bojack of Bojack Horseman (disclaimer, I have not seen CxGF or Bojack Horseman, these comparisons are based on my surface-level understanding of these shows and a cursory skim of Tvtropes. Y’all are welcome to tell me why I’m wrong about this.) The difference is, if you want your audience to root for these self-serving main characters, you have to show them going through some sort of growth or arc to become more selfless, particularly if you are writing a DCOM about the merits of being good. But unfortunately, this is only the beginning of the problems with Mal’s character.

[polandspringz]

I’m sure you probably got asked this many times but what’s your rank of the brothers from most fav to least fav? Least fav doesn’t mean dislike but still a ranking :0 from your fics I get that Mammon might me in that top hehe

I don’t think I’ve actually been asked this before? But, either way, I have been waiting for someone to ask me about this! Although I’ve given my MC’s relationships on another post, (and a tiktok where I ranked the battle themes) I haven’t actually given my own personal ranking, so here we go!

1. Mammon- You knew this, he knew this. He’s our first, and I’m weak for characters that are the “bad boy, tsundere” type I guess. The devs and the writing team did an excellent job in creating his character because I opened the game a Lucifer stan and the moment Mammon softened I became a simp, lol. I also am a big fan of Osomatsu-san, so Mammon is very much the equivalent to Karamatsu, which is part of why I like him.

2. Belphegor- I know he’s a very controversial character to like, and I haven’t even finished chapter 16 yet, so how can he be my favorite? I ended up starting the game in the middle of an event, so while my MC was going around being like “Who is the seventh brother?” I meanwhile was talking him up in the side story (plus, I got spoiled by a crack guide on Youtube and then for fic research spoiled the time travel events for myself). I will say my opinion of him is somewhat changing as I witness him be more cruel and manipulative, but I honestly feel bad for this brother who was isolated for months from his family and was left to boil with the rage and hatred thinking it was because Lucifer hated him, but not knowing it was because Lucifer was trying to protect him. (That was one part that didn’t get spoiled for me, so when Diavolo walked in and did the “protect you from me” my jaw dropped) I’m also just slightly biased because I like reading fics of characters cuddling and when you have someone who is literally always sleeping, you can find a LOT of that.

3. Satan- The reason he’s number three is just because I am very drawn to the “academic” type of character. Overall, his bookish aesthetic I just really like, and his casual design I find very attractive. (I’m a fashion major so I’m very interested in what characters wear. Menswear, and in particular Ivy League style, I have a big appreciation for, so sweaters and such are big plus!) Also his character design looks a lot like Usui Takami from Maid-Sama, and my previous dating sim crush, Jiwoo from Dandelion. In terms of his character though, I admire his efforts to be his own person, and try and overcome his anger. I’m someone with some bad anger myself, so I connect to him a lot in his efforts to improve and control it.

4. Lucifer- Okay, so I really dislike a lot of aspects of Lucifer’s character, but I love how dedicated he is to his family and I feel so deeply for how he wants to completely bear the burden for the Celestial War on his own. It seems somewhat cliche to have a character that is full of pride be the most self-sacrificial, but I love that it was done in the way that he is secretly super humble and loves his family so much but because of that pride being a barrier, he can never express it. He’s obviously one of the most fleshed out characters in the game, but the devs did an excellent job making me feel for him and so I want to comfort him the most.

5. Levi- I was iffy about Levi until I saw a bunch of fan art of him by a certain artist (cough, cough, I don’t want to tag them and bother them but, cough cough, pon-ee) Although I find him a bit annoying with his Woahhhh and his self deprecating personality traits, I’ve learned to see the potential in him and would love to just, give him a hug or something? I’m sorry but my logic for liking him is honestly that he’s a weeb like me and we would probably bond really well over discussing shows and cosplay. (Also COOL TAIL) in all seriousness though, because of how I interpret each character in how I write them, when I was writing fics like “Cause You Don’t Really Wanna Go”, Levi’s scenes and feelings were very inspired by how a lot of people portray the younger Osomatsu brothers reacting to Karamatsu having depression and low self-esteem on behalf of their words and actions. What really drew me to his character was just the potential of him, and really all of the characters who beat each other up like siblings do, deep down having a very strong connection that they don’t ever want to be damaged, but then having that realization that they might have been the one to do it. Levi already has enough self-esteem issues, so I don’t want to say I like him because he’s such a sad character, but in those moments where he’s not sad and is happily gushing about things he likes and soaking up attention from MC and others, I find him a very attractive character personality wise.

6. Asmo- I feel bad putting Asmo so low because I do like him a lot! As you said, least favorite doesn’t mean dislike. What keeps me more distant from him is that I like him, but not romantically or with my MC. I really enjoyed writing the Solomon scene with him in “I’d Rather Be Dry”. Again, what really brings me closer to these characters is psychoanalyzing them in my own writing. I know there is more to his character than the typical, sexual lust, but because I’ve been playing the game so spaced out I feel like I haven’t absorbed as much as his character as I could have to appreciate it. I’m hoping I get to see more of his character in the future lessons, and his “lust” is taken in different directions besides just “cheerfulness’ and to more anger and protectiveness.

7. Beelzebub- I know a lot of people get mad that many people rank Beelzebub low for the writers making him “only/always hungry”, but that’s not why he’s this low on my ranking. I honestly like how a lot of fans take his character to be that his love/connection to MC distracts from the pain of his constant hunger, because his gluttony isn’t just for food. All of the sins are overindulgence, but it is nice to see them all come to this sort of singularity, away from individual desires, and connect as one because of the influence of one person bringing light into their life and re-establishing their family bonds. But, back to why he’s the last on my ranking, is it shallow to say he’s really just.. not my type? I feel bad because I try to give everyone equal screen time in my writing but I know Beel definitely gets less than my top four. I admire his dedication and care for his family but I just don’t find him that attractive. The emphasis on his athleticism and such I honestly don’t care much for, and he’s just a bit too of a warm/welcoming personality for me? I like seeing him defy Lucifer when he gets angry about Belphegor, but every other time, I just feel he is very complacent and too obedient. I don’t want to call him mindless, because he isn’t at all. I do love him, but like Asmo, it could be that replaying the first 20 lessons again (when I finish them) will make me connect to him more. For now though, I find him lacking in individuality, his character too dependent on Belphegor and Lilith’s story, and in the most shallow way possible, he’s just not my type. Sorry!

You probably weren’t expecting me to go on a tangent trying to justify each one, but this honestly took me like... 2 hours to write up. If the undateables were in here, it would be even longer though! Thank goodness you only asked for the brothers! (Although I would be happy to give my ranking on them too, and then my overall ranking on all the characters too...)

[purplesurveys]

559

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Yeah, I was looking at myself while brushing my teeth earlier.

Watered a plant? I don’t think I’ve done that in the last few years.

Worn denim? Nope, I’m staying in today. And I kinda have to anyway, because it’s a holiday. Washed your hair? Yep, I took a long shower a few minutes ago. Been in pain? Yes, woke up to the same toothache that’s been bothering me for a few weeks now. The pain is on the down low at the moment, but yeah it was there when I woke up.

Had a nap? Not sure if it counts as a nap, but I decided to sleep in today and kept waking up a few times the whole morning until I finally woke up for real at around 11:30. Brushed your teeth? I already mentioned that I did this, yes. Kissed someone? I gave my dog some kisses today, but not a person. Used a cheese grater? I’ve eaten one meal today and it didn’t need any cheese. Eaten something sweet? Nope. Spoken to a stranger? Also no. Like I said, I’m staying in today. My introverted ass is tired from the last few weeks of working and socializing. Dropped something? I don’t remember doing so...I’ve only been in bed all day. Felt upset in some way? I’m feeling a little down, but I wouldn’t call myself upset. Drank coffee? I took two painkillers in one day yesterday, which is bad in itself; I wouldn’t want to mix coffee into my system.

Walked for more than thirty minutes? Nah, the furthest I’ve walked today is to the bathroom to take a shower. Signed up for something? That’s a no. I really should have picked a different day to fill this up, hahaha. Travelled in a car? I didn’t drive today and don’t plan to until like Tuesday, because that’s when I have to go back to school. Opened a can? Here’s a tiny secret: I don’t know how to open cans :c Thought about doing something crazy? Nah, I’m not feeling too crazy today. Listened to a new song? As a matter of fact I am. Spotify will sometimes play you a bunch of new songs it thinks you’d like based on the music you do listen to, and that’s the playlist I have on right now.  Written in a notebook? I have not. Fed an animal? I gave my dog the rest of my lunch when I didn’t feel like eating anymore. Checked your emails? I had to answer a couple of them, yes. Told someone you love them? No, not yet. Made a phone call? Nope.

Have you in the last week?

Travelled on a bus? I haven’t been on a bus since my high school class went on a retreat to Baguio four years ago. Washed your face? Yep, yesterday. My face was feeling oily for some reason so I used some facial wash we had in the bathroom. Used a blender? I don’t think I’ve ever needed to use a blender before. Received a phone call? Yeah, Gab calls me most nights. Talked to someone you dislike? I had to talk to this girl who has a known attitude problem because we’re working on something together in a subject that we’re classmates in. She hasn’t shown me her rotten side just yet but I’ll be more than ready if she does. Consumed alcohol? Yeah, I went to two Halloween parties in the last week :/ Eaten pasta? I don’t think I have this week. Planned for an event? We don’t have any upcoming events so there’s nothing to plan for to begin with. Asked someone for a favour? Yep, I asked my classmate Gia to bring her VGA adapter because I needed one to do my report for history class and I don’t have an adapter of my own. She’s super nice and helped me out. Watched something funny? Yeah I mean I make it a point to watch at least one funny video a day so that my days aren’t completely shitty. Trimmed your nails? I have not, which explains why they’ve grown out so much lately. Browsed Reddit? I haven’t been browsing Reddit as much lately because I’ve been busy, but I did open the app at least once within the last week. Talked to yourself? I often talk to myself while driving alone. Purchased tickets for something? I did not this week. Felt like you were annoying someone? Always. Cleaned a toilet? Nope. Reminisced about the past? I mean, my friends and I always do in one way or another. Used headphones? No, my old headphones have been busted for yeeeeears now. Laughed with a friend? I spent time with several groups of friends this week, yeah. Which is why I’m completely socially exhausted now. I’m using the undas weekend to recharge. Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? I don’t cook, so this is an automatic no. Written a list? It was a to-do list of stuff I had to accomplish before the undas break, if that counts. Played an instrument? Technically I did? I was sleeping over at Rita’s place last weekend and their guest room had a ukulele lying around, so before I fell asleep I do remember strumming the strings for a few minutes, even though I had completely no idea what I was doing. Felt jealous or envious? Always do. It’s my worst deadly sin. Ignored a text message on purpose? Always. Congratulated someone? I always make it a point to congratulate my friends for their leaps, whether big or small.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? Art is my weakest suit and it’s something I never even try to dabble in, because I know I would be horrible.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? I always rewatch Friends, and I did attempt to do a rewatch of Breaking Bad before El Camino was out on Netflix, but I didn’t get to finish it because uni had kept me very busy.

Called a plumber? There wasn’t any need to.

Been to a see a doctor? No. I definitely should go to the dentist, though. Finished a book? I haven’t been reading. Had a crush on someone? Of course.

Travelled on a train? Nooooooo I hate the public transport system in this country. Worn heels? I haven’t had to in the last month. I wish I owned more pairs to just wear casually to school though; it wouldn’t hurt looking like a bad bitch around the college hahahaha. Been to a friend's house? I’ve been to Gabie’s and Rita’s houses.

Shared a bed with someone? Yes, Gab has slept over a couple of times. Been to see a movie at the cinema? I think it’s been more than a month since my sister and I saw Hello, Love, Goodbye at the movie theater. Paid attention to celebrity drama? Meh, loosely. I know of the issues, but the drama lately hasn’t been too juicy. Felt anxious? AL. WAYS. Taken an elevator? On the days we were too lazy to take escalators. Given someone the cold shoulder? I don’t think I’ve done this recently. Purchased a new book/game/movie? I didn’t purchase it but I downloaded Mario Kart on my phone. Applied for a job? Nope. Used a printer? Yes, I’ve had to print papers and handouts for several classes. Had lunch in a park? We don’t have any parks, and anyway it’s usually too hot to eat outside. Gotten a manicure or pedicure? Not a fan of either, so no. Made an appointment? No. I did ask my mom to schedule a dentist appointment because my 21 year old kiddie ass is still too anxious to do it myself sjdklsdfdfhdkhskdjfsjffskfhkjsfh Had a blood test done? NO. Is this the one where they prick your finger? NO THANKS BYEEEEEE Suffered from a major bruise? It wasn’t major but I did briefly get a nasty bruise on my knee a few weeks ago. It was probably from PE but I never was sure where it came from. Researched a topic in-depth? I kinda have to; I’m working on my thesis for the next year or so.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? Yes, several times. The most recent time was last August in Nasugbu, which was kinda bad timing on our end because we usually get bad typhoons in August haha. But it was the last week of summer and we wanted to do something fun before we had to go back to school, so off we went. Visited someone in the hospital? Thank goodness I haven’t had to. Played pinball? No, but I have played races on Waluigi Pinball courses on Mario Kart if that counts HAHAHAHA Travelled on a plane? Yes, several times. Worn a costume? I have. I went as Dora for Halloween this year. Been thrift shopping? Yesssssss. I got into it a few months ago when I saw a few stalls at a local mall selling really trendy tops for much cheaper. Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Neither. Made a big life decision? I decided on my thesis topic, which is personally a pretty huge decision to make. Changed a lightbulb? Nope. I don’t know how to. Framed something and put it on your wall? I haven’t. My wall has stayed the same for like three years now. Been stargazing? Nah. Haven’t really had the time to. Made a new friend? New people who come into the org. Added to a collection? Obviously I’ve gathered more receipts from my dates with Gab within the year, but I haven’t gotten around to organizing any of them. They’re all just piled up in my wallet. Been to the dentist? No, but I have to UGH this toothache is out to kill me I swear. Broken up with someone? Nope. Held a baby? I don’t think so but I wish I’ve gotten to do it D: Created a budget? I mean I always carefully plan out my weekly allowance, so yeah. Confessed feelings for someone? I already did that three years ago. Had surgery of any kind? Nope. Quit a job? I have not. Been in a car accident? No, thank jeebus. Purchased something worth over a grand? Not yettttt, but I’m planning to for Christmas. Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? Yes, when we went to Batanes and Albay. Applied for an academic course? Does enrolling for a semester count? Had your photo taken by a professional? No not yet, but very soon when I get my graduation photos taken.

[analysis-by-vaylon]

Animation reviews, criteria for analysis, and the scope of this blog.

Hello, there. I’ve recently been browsing Netflix for animated features and series to watch, and I thought I would share some brief thoughts about these with you; however, it’s not my intention to turn this blog into a review blog -- I’d rather stick to lengthy analysis. I’m simply using these reviews as a starting point to discuss some things that have been on my mind lately.

I want to accomplish multiple things with this post: I’ll talk about some of the animation I’ve seen recently, discuss why I’m not going to post longer analyses for these, and then go into some detail about what sort of things you can (and can’t) expect me to talk about when I discuss animation.

Reviews for Recently-Watched Animation

Only one of these is recent; I basically just browse Netflix, look for something with an interesting premise, and watch it. It’s not a very complex process.

April and the Extraordinary World. 2015. Origin: France. I found its premise silly. The dialogue is uninspired at best and its characters unsympathetic. Many critics praised its animation, but because I don’t like steampunk, I found the scenery and designs to be dull. Not recommended.

The Little Prince. 2015. Origin: France. I’ve never read the book, but I sense that this film does it justice, as it effortlessly weaves imaginative fantasy-adventure together with a story about the pressures of adulthood. There’s a great deal of mystery and symbolism in it that was, for me, a breath of fresh air. Recommended.

My Life as a Zucchini. 2016. Origin: France. This is a stop-motion animation whose characters have a wonderful amount of life and vibrancy in their designs and dialogue. Despite being on the shorter side (at a mere 65 minutes!), this film still manages to pack a whole lot into its charmingly-told love story. Recommended.

A.I.C.O. -Incarnation-. 2018. Origin: Japan. 12 episodes. I wanted to like this -- I really did -- but despite its intriguing premise and the promise of pure science fiction themes, I ultimately found this anime to be lackluster in its storytelling, concepts, and designs. It seems to focus more on action than on execution. The dialogue is especially bad -- rife with what I call “anime-isms”. Not recommended.

In This Corner of the World. 2016. Origin: Japan. This film takes us back to World War II-era Japan with faithfully-reconstructed depictions of both Hiroshima and Kure. The scenery is gorgeous, and the characters’ victories and struggles are as palpable as the looming horror which ultimately waits for Hiroshima. Despite the cheerful face the characters bravely put on, the film reminds us that no one escapes unscathed from war. Recommended.

Remember: just because I enjoy something and you don’t -- or vice-versa -- does not mean that one of us is wrong and one of us is right. There is such a thing as personal taste; April and the Extraordinary World, for instance, was widely acclaimed by critics, but I personally dislike it.

Criteria for Analysis

When it comes to writing analysis, I am mostly interested in longer works that have complex overarching themes, intriguing concepts, or an engaging use of language. I don’t intend to write about anything that I wouldn’t recommend to others for their own enjoyment. Films are nice -- and some of them do indeed offer enough complexity to warrant bringing them under the critical eye -- but I have found that the series format is most suited for allotting time for the development of themes, symbols, and so on. I believe in the power of structured meaning; by this, I don’t mean that the work needs to follows a formulaic structure, but rather the work creates, through association and recurrence, an idiomatic framework of meaning.

An example of what I mean can be found in The Lord of the Rings in the symbolism of the One Ring. Historically, in fiction and everyday metaphor, rings were used as symbols of love, commitment, power, wealth, and greed. In The Lord of the Rings, however, the One Ring -- though it certainly carries this ancient symbolism with it -- takes on additional symbolism through its association with actions or feelings: compulsion, for instance, in being compelled to wear and desire it; hardship, in that the Ring is a heavy psychological burden for all who bear it; treachery, in that the Ring seeks to return to its true master and always threatens to escape or betray those who wear it; and malice, in that the Ring represents Sauron’s power-hungry desire for dominion over all beings and for the ability to cruelly inflict suffering upon them. It’s thanks to the widespread appreciation of The Lord of the Rings that these meanings have entered into the wider consciousness of symbolism associated with rings -- though, of course, love and commitment remain today the central ones.

Obviously, the longer a series is, the more it can add to its personal grammar of meaning: take, for instance, Star vs. the Forces of Evil and the Blood Moon, a recurring symbol -- throughout all three seasons -- of love and destiny. Each additional appearance of the symbol offers a chance to further enrich its meaning.

By borrowing cultural symbols and constructing personal ones, writers can elevate their work, tapping into powerful ideas much greater than themselves; presenting those ideas in an intelligible way can hopefully lead the reader to some sort of epiphany or greater awareness. This is as true of animation as it is of literary fiction, which brings me to my next point.

The Scope of This Blog

I started this blog in order to bring the same critical approaches used for writing about literature to animation. You won’t hear me often discussing frame rate, color grading, or other technical elements of visual design -- despite animation being primarily a visual medium. To people who work in the animation industry, that may seem odd, but I’m simply not trained in film, animation, or art theory, and anything that I know about those subjects (which is not much) is from reading about them in my own personal time. I just don’t consider myself qualified to comment on the finer technical points of visual media.

My academic training is in English literature and critical theory, and I’m more interested in ideas and their conveyance than in visual impact, as you may have gathered from the previous sections. Elaborate animation can be impressive, yes, but my personal opinion is that visual achievement is a hollow victory if it lacks complex meaningfulness. The example that always comes to mind for me is the Nichijou anime: yes, some of the animation in the series is, without a doubt, exemplary in terms of technical effort and stylistic experimentation, but without any intellectual complexity to support the series, it simply feels pointless -- even downright mean-spirited. Perhaps an animator would find the series interesting, but it’s not what I’m looking for.

Part of that, too, is due to my own limitations. I am visually impaired, so I tend to de-emphasize visuals and give primacy to written and spoken language. I simply can’t see well enough to make critical judgments on the visual aspects of animation. Hence, you will often hear me speak instead of narrative, dialogue, characterization, and so on -- elements of literary fiction as applied to animated storytelling.

I’ve often thought about whether or not I should even be running a blog like this; it is entirely possible I don’t belong in discussions about animation. I think animators who believe in the supremacy of board-driven animation (like John Kricfalusi, for instance) would agree with that: animation, they might say, is the realm of artists and not writers -- and especially not writers who have no background in art whatsoever. They would have a point. Animation is, as I said earlier, primarily a visual medium, whether that involves ink, paint, clay, cardboard cutouts, or computer-generated drawings. What right do I have to intrude into the world of color and movement? And my answer is none. I have no right. I am a trespasser.

And I am comfortable being one. I expect no one to listen to me; I would still be saying the things I have said even if no one were. Perhaps it is foolish to think so, but I believe that animation can have the same things in it that literature does: that it can be both intellectually complex and fun, that it say something about the human condition, that it can challenge its audience. I don’t want people to lose sight of what is important about storytelling -- no matter what format it comes in.

[selflessselfdiscovery]

Stay or Leave

Hello 

 I'd truly appreciate to get a respond and opinion from you to my situation because I am currently very lost in my situation. Please let me explain: I am 18 years old and I am graduating at the moment. I will attend university after summer 2018. My boyfriend is 27 years old and works. We used to be in a long distance, but he visited me very often (England-Switzerland). Honestly, I did not like him first very much but when he confessed his feelings to me I decided to give this relationship a shot because he was a very polite and kind-hearted person. I truly enjoyed talking to him all day and night. After we started dating, I got to know about his past which was very new to me. His family is very "messy"; his father cheated on his mother, he left them in debt, his grandfather as well (from father-side), his mom dislikes me because I am not Christian, he takes some personality traits from her (silent treatment when we are fighting). He had many past relationships that did not last more than 3 months (some were even only some weeks) and one "longterm" relationship, that lasted 11 months ish, was with an ex-prostitue that ran away from her family (that was too much for me to take at first because I was brought up in a very calm and peaceful surrounding). The relationship with the ex-prostitute truly haunted me but it was too late for me to turn around because I truly started loving him. She was his first and apparently he had not slept with anyone after that. Their relationship was about drinking every day and having sex until he got an illness and left her. I learnt to accept his past. He used to drink a lot and did drugs in his past as well (I am very innocent I suppose because I do not have the desire to do these things) and now he smokes now and again. However, despite all that, I decided to give my best to make this relationship work out. (This paragraph was about his background that partly still bothers me e.g. his mom ). My side: I grew up in Switzerland and I was brought up in a very loving family with very supportive parents. I do academically well and I only had 3 "longterm" relationships that lasted all around 1-2 years. I do not do drugs nor drink much. I am a student.

So after a month we had our first huge fight and because I was not 100% sure back then whether I should give this relationship a shot, I started the habit of always wanting to break up. He always tried to convince me and chased me. I realized how long it took us to always resolve things (up to 6 hours sometimes..) which had a big influence on my life (academically and mentally ; health wise). This is often because we just never seem to come to a compromise and I do not really understand his way of thinking (He always asks me "what do u mean" and I lose my patience at some point). However I stayed patient and learnt to explain to him so often that he understands. But I am suffering mentally and physically afterwards. I suffer from stress now. He is very good with his words (honey coated words) but also twists his words to the point where he is even irritated by the truth. I know that he is the kind of person who is giving me white lies and tries to make me happy by denying his wrong actions by making himself look innocent. But I love how sweet and romantic he is (I try not to be too naive..) But his manipulations were mentally abusive and the way he uses words that I had a hard time to understand too. However after a year of lots of fights he went once on dating apps / hook up apps when we had a fight because he was desperate and lonely. He told me he wanted attention when I caught him doing so months later. However it hurted me a lot and broke my trust that possibly could never be restored to the trust I had before. The thing is: He went out looking for pleasure outside the relationship on the same day we "broke up" (we came back together the day after). He did not sleep with anyone nor did he contact anyone (apparently....I have no evidence).  It would have been different when he came up to me and told me about his actions but when I caught him he did not tell me the truth first. After a while me having to press the truth out of him he was probably telling me the truth. I will never know because he deinstalled it. It happened when we  "broke up" for a day and he did it and another time when we had a huge fight where he gave me a silent treatment. In those times he watched porn and looked up nudes of specific women (celebrities) up. I have some understanding for porn but I think it is disrespectful if I see him doing so.   Since then (that was few months ago) everything went downwards with me:I started to feel insecure, anxious and thinking about never had any experience (Sex life) with other people made me think about leaving because I feel like missing out (Jealousy about his sexual past, Curiousity). Sexually i am not 100% satisfied because he would never do the first move and if i want to initiate it he avoids it. He is trying to please me a lot if we have it which is nice however he doesn't let me lay a finger on him. I mean I want to please him too. (we have talked about it but it has not changed). I am scared how he loses self control when we fight. He even went to casino ( did not use all his money luckily). Smokes (he stopped for half a year until it went downhill because I hate smoke). I am mostly scared if he feels desperate and lost and lonely again that he would cheat on me again (looking for other women). Now from the bright side: He is very loving and sweet. He gave me the experience of selfless love and I absolutely appreciate how romantic and patient he is with me. Whenever we fight and with the time where I lost my patient and started abusing him verbally and physically he never did anything to me. I stopped being physical because I know it is wrong and got some anger management now. It was a side of me which is very shocking because I never hit anyone before... But he always forgave me and I would not take this for granted and changed. He showers me with gifts (got me so so so many things that cost so much even though he doesn't earn much.) If I talk about a lot it's about weekly to monthly always expensive things (makeup, furnitures, laptop, food etc. (everything prolly..)). He took me out on dates weekly and showed me nice places. Fancy dinner and always looked after me when I am hungry. He is very supportive and tries very hard to motivate me (even though it does not work every time). He respects who I am (except sex life which is not my top priority). He never abused me physically and has never put me down as much as I had. Probelm now: I am scared to never find a man who is so selfless and caring ever again and honestly I do love him still but really not sure whether I should stay or not. I currently put the relationship on a break because we fought this weekend about I wanting more intimacy but he showed me "if you want to" attitude which mean indifference to me. So I put on a break and when I ask him whether he even cares, I get a: "I do that is why I respect your decision" Which i did not expect because usually he would try to convince me first. When we fight it is me who comes up to him first so I feel like taken for granted that I always go back to him. So he does not even try to convince me cuz he knows I will come back (comes from the on and off pattern). He has texted me now but I do not now whether I should reply because we set a time frame of a month. I leave this weekend to Asia for 2 months and graduate on Friday. Instead enjoying last days together we are apart from each other and I am unsure whether I want to continue or not. I am very indecisive. I feel like trying to get more experience (sexually) by being single and travel without stress ( fear of fights ). However I am scared to never find anyone who will be able to give me such a selfless love (he poured all his earning to get me stuff). Please help me. I am very lost and my friends and the people I talk to is very hard to communicate because they seem biased. I wrote a very long text...Thank you so much for your time! I hope you can advice me. Thank you in advance. Kind regards,

[andfeminism-blog]

Meet Rachel. A beautiful writer, a loving mama and a powerful woman. I love the way she writes and the vibes she gives off are that of understanding, non-judgement and love. The perfect interview to start back with after a brief break!

Read her blog here: www.amuseofmine.com

Who or what inspires you? All the people I connect with, every single day. I am an easily inspired person, just by nature of my character. I am a dreamer!

I have been honing my ability to see something positive, something inspiring even, in my interactions with people I come across on a day-to-day basis. I am an (over)thinker, and I often catch myself imagining just what another person’s world looks like.

You run a blog at www.amuseofmine.com (I’m going to link this in the actual post, if that’s okay?), what made you start it? What do you hope comes from it? I started my blog only recently, after toying with the idea for far too long. I have always enjoyed writing, and have always written- just not publicly. While it is a pleasure, it is also often cathartic. Further, if I am struggling with challenging decisions, obstacles, even overwhelming emotions, I can write it all down and always find the answer. So in short, blogging is mainly a ‘for me’ activity, and it has been a pleasure so far!

What’s your biggest hope for your kids? Oh my, this one keeps me up at night. Motherhood has brought an entire new array of meanings to life. It brings  the deepest commitment and a protection that is so fierce. The love I have for my daughter is so entirely consuming that sometimes, it physically hurts.

I have so many dreams for my daughter, and watching her become so many amazing things makes my heart incredibly happy. Let’s be real, there are many moments where it’s all daunting and even a tad ugly, but they all meld together into a wonderful, chaotic little picture called life.

I hope that my daughter builds a strong self awareness. I hope she realizes her fears, and in that context that she embraces vulnerability. I hope she can see the people around her as human, and that her lens is always tinted with optimism and grace. And along with that, I hope that she is unstoppable, exuberant and in awe of life.

I have two other children in my life that are especially dear to me. While I am not their mother, I hold the same hopes for them.

You’re a working mama, what do you do? What got you into it? What’s the best part about it? The hardest? I am indeed a working-away-from-home mama. I work 6 days weekly, at two separate jobs. I work roughly 25 hours weekly at a General Motors Dealership (Scougall Motors) in E-Commerce. While it is not a job that is in my field of study at all, it has been a complete joy. The work is straightforward, I complete all duties independently. I can make my own hours, and can do certain parts of the job from home. This has allowed me to take on a second job with ease. I am also employed at our Parent Link Centre in Fort Macleod (Kids First Family Centre) where I act as Parent/Family Support. This position has been one of great value, as it has allowed me to develop great experience and to further my professional development. I am also enrolled in the Labour Doula Certification program through Doula Training Canada. This has been an ongoing study journey for nearly a year, and is an endeavor I am currently pursuing mostly because it is fascinating and of great personal interest to me. At this point, I do not have intentions of practicing full time as a Doula.

My career journey is far from over, however. I aspire to resume my academic journey in the not so distant future.

The hardest part is that I need to spend 8+ hours per day away from my daughter. It’s not only that, it’s the reality that I have to entrust her to someone else’s care. I have to trust that she will be nurtured in a way that is positive to her growth and development. And that’s really freaking tough. Sometimes, I also struggle with the judgement that I receive from others: believe me, working mama’s somehow receive a whole load of negative flack. It is also physically and emotionally exhausting being the breadwinner and parent. There are too few moments of calm.

I read on your blog you’re involved in some committees and organizations. What are you  involved with right now? I am currently assisting in the planning of the 5th annual Fort Macleod Justice Film Festival, and I am so excited about this event! The event is hosted in our very own hometown historic theatre, and this year’s film line up is fantastic. In particular, I am looking forward to the viewing of a film called ‘A Better Man’. The film is so powerful and important: it documents a woman and her abusive ex-partner as they reunite, on her request, years after the abuse. It offers a view of the damage of the violence inflicted, and the recovery process that occurs when the abuser assumes responsibility for his actions. In my opinion this documentary is raw, potentially triggering, and yet so crucial. I have been searching for informed speakers to join us for this event, where we will host a facilitated discussion following each film.

I am also assisting on the Accreditation Committee for our community Approved Family Dayhomes. We are so fortunate to have dayhomes with incredible standards, and a team that ensures that our children are receiving quality care. It is important to me to be involved in these endeavors.

I volunteer in events in the community year round, it’s another great part of small town life!

What are your passions? Personal growth and development is truly one of the most important things. Being the most influential person I can be, in order to create and model healthy relationships too. Travelling, music and writing, spending time outdoors- camping, skiing, mindful and respectful parenting,

What’s something in life you’ve struggled with? What have you learned from it? There are several specific obstacles that I have faced that have been particularly influential to who I am and where I stand right now. From a young age, I struggled with disordered eating and prescription drug addiction. These two were intertwined, and waxed and waned in a rather interesting cycle. The recovery process has been something other than what I would have ever assumed it would be, and its led me on an incredible journey in all aspects. Without reiterating specifics, living with an Eating Disorder and concurrent addiction has fostered a much more tolerant, non judgemental, and ultimately- an empathetic view on just who we are as people. It has made me all the amazing things that I am today.

I refer to it in my mind as my ‘becoming’. Every single great thing that I am today would never have fallen into place if I had not struggled with the hard things. All the hard things that are destined to come across my path from today and forward will undoubtedly be instrumental for growth. They will be exactly what I reminisce fondly about a decade or two later.

What’s something you need to do less of? React. I have a lot of fears. Consequently, I can react with anger, defensiveness, even negative judgement. I am working hard at realizing and developing more mindful approaches to things that seem scary.

What does the world need more of? Tolerance, acceptance, dance parties and snorkeling beaches.

Is there something you’re looking forward to? Yes! I am looking forward to life, on all levels. I am so excited for the journey of parenting, the growth of my most important relationships. I am looking forward to marriage, to building a life with my partner and our girls. I am eager to travel the new places, and to allow my daughter to experience new places and spaces. I cannot wait to take her to the ocean. I am a dreamer, so this list can go on forever!

Also, I am looking forward to longer, warmer days. Come on, summertime.

If someone asked you for a book recommendation, what would you suggest? The Prince of Tides (Pat Conroy) is my all time favorite read. Recent books I have read and thoroughly enjoyed include: Daring Greatly (Brene Brown), In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts (Gabor Mate),The Lonely Hearts Hotel (Heather O’Neill).

What do you wish people knew about you? Over anything else, I want people to know that I am a ‘safe’ person. I will accept you for who you are, where you’re at, and I will not judge you (full disclosure: I am human; we all judge people inadvertently at times. I make it my most mindful intention to be non judgmental). There are also times where I want people to know that I am more or an introvert than they would think.

I need safety, I need alone time. Sometimes, I struggle to share what I truly think or feel; I am afraid of being disliked or degraded. Its ingrained pretty deeply, and even though I am aware of it, I am still a very sensitive soul.

  What’s one thing you would change about the world if you could? I would be so thrilled to see the decriminalization of use of illicit substances, and a harm reduction approach to addicts. Further, I would establish Restorative Justice in place of our current legal system. Equal pay for woman, with onsite, outdoor daycare spaces. Funding for alternative medicine, mindfulness practices in workplaces, access to alternative therapies- (music therapy, play therapy, animal therapy). I would love to see our education system focused on student driven learning, with trauma informed practices integrated in all school, again with outdoor schooling as a norm.

That’s one thing, right?

What was your biggest accomplishment last year? What do you hope to accomplish this year? Over the past year (several years if I am honest), I have learned above anything else, that hate is never the best answer. Hate breeds anger, defensiveness, judgement and shame. Hate always narrows perceptions, closes doors, and hurts people.

Further, there is a difference between hate and boundaries. And that is my goal for this year: to define. I want to be intentional and mindful of the relationships I have. I am hoping to grow in my ability to be assertive, and to be proactive (setting appropriate and respectful boundaries) rather than reactive (fearful or defensive responses to ineffective boundaries).

Are you a feminist? What does feminism mean to you? Although I don’t often identify specifically as a feminist, I absolutely am. In my perspective the word Feminist often (maybe especially so in my demographic) has a stigma attached, and a sometimes ‘prickly’ reaction. Isn’t it that way with many important topics though? I am keen on advocating for respectful and equal treatment of women and mothers in the workplace. Even more important to me is the establishing of healthy relationships, and recognition and support for all types of abuse in domestic situations.

I love to see woman celebrated and respected for their integral place in society; in relationships, in families, in the workplace and in politics.

If a teenage girl came to you for life advice, what would you tell her? “If you have questions, find the answers. If you’re gut is telling you something, listen. Find safe people who support you for who you are and exactly where you’re at. It is okay to be scared, it is okay to be scared- it is not better to hide your emotions. Always look for support, for people who see your worth. Know your worth, never let it go. And take the trip. Always take the trip.”

  What is your ultimate goal, personally and professionally? I hope that I am remembered as what I aspire to be. A mother who loved her hardest, a partner who always built on strengths, a friend who never judged. I hope I am remembered as a supporter, an ally, and an adventurer. I want to be remembered as unstoppable in life, love and growth.

How do you hope you’re remembered? I would like to express my appreciation for being able to participate in your Wild Women series. It’s been a joy to ‘work’ together with an incredible woman, Paige.

                                          #motherhoodunplugged #motherhood #parenting #parents #mom #momlife #mama #motherhoodrising #yyc #calgary #alberta #canada #canadianbloggers #meetmothers #interview #motherinterview #women #strongwomen #feminism #mom #momblog #lifestyleblog #personalblog #canadianblogger #canadianblog #calgaryblog #calgaryblogger #yycblogger #yycblog #raisingbabies #raisingdaughters #children 

Wild Women: Rachel O Meet Rachel. A beautiful writer, a loving mama and a powerful woman. I love the way she writes and the vibes she gives off are that of understanding, non-judgement and love.

[maybejustlaurie]

Daddy

Well, fuck. I’m getting old and I haven’t mentally dealt with something that I fear has undermined me, and will continue to undermine me if I don’t address it.

I have an issue with feeling rejected. If I feel I’m not loved completely and unwaveringly, I have historically pushed people away and sought love and / or attention elsewhere.

My first memory of this is in primary school, year 4 or year 5. There was a girl in a grade above me who saw through the little shit I had become by that age (7 primary schools by that age, i had learned to NOT bother making friends) Sharn Skinner. Bless your sweet soul, I still remember clearly you playing cricket with me using a wooden ruler and a barbie shoe, while you took time to write to my mother telling her how sweet I was.

And of course, given the feeling I had but was not yet conscious enough to identify or articulate: that I was not loved / cherished / cared for, I crushed hard on this girl. Massively. Made a right 11yo tool of myself. But I see now that I was just reaching out for the care I had felt, and wanted more of.

I’ve rationalised certain things to myself over time: that my single mother had me at 18, no partner, and she did her best. That she struggled with an undiagnosed mental illness, and self medicated smoking pot. That she truly grew and filled her role of mother over time. But honestly: she was a flawed human like the rest of us, and some of her failings were just what they were. There were highlights and lowlights. Some of the lowlights will feature here, but that’s not to say she was a bad person, bad mother, or that I don’t miss her sincerely today, nearly 2 years after her passing.

I remember when I was 4 & 5 years old, playing in my room in a sydney suburb alone often, due to the low-hanging cloud of pot smoke due to mum & her friends smoking it up. She was smart enough to not want me breathing that.

There are swings and roundabouts with some things. I became smart. I learned to read early (credit to mum on that one), and would read to myself getting lost in fantasy when I was alone. Later in life I would read the Brittanica Children’s Encyclopaedia from cover to cover. To this day I have a broad general knowledge!

When I look back at my childhood behaviour I can’t spot any serious misbehaviour until we moved to Northern NSW.

In Sydney, where I was born and raised until I started year 2 at school, I had friends on the block who I could go outside and play with. We would ride our small bikes up and down the street as fast as we could. I still remember one of those boys had a ‘70’s style Harley-handlebar bike, it was slow off the line, but boy could be motor once he had some speed.

I had my grandparents, 2 uncles and an aunt (none all that much older than me) in the same suburb. Great grandmother and grandfather just a couple of suburbs over. I would even visit my paternal grandparents, I remember their harsh cockney accents, my aunt Dy being a complete sweetheart.

Then we were up there, first on a cattle farm my uncle was managing, then in our own house in the closest town, which had maybe 300 people. That was… ok. Not a lot of kids my age, but really only a few streets in size, so easy enough to play with other kids when I wanted. Evenings, the younger/more social adults went to the sole town pub. Mum made friends with the kitchen staff, and I remember I used to get raspberry lemonade for free. There was also a cocktail arcade machine (the low ones you’d sit on a stool at) and I remember playing pacman or galaga until I ran out of 20c pieces, and drifting off into daydreams until it was time to go home.

It was in this town mum met my future stepdad. Clearly something went on, because we suddenly moved out of town first to a caravan on a friend’s property, the to an old wooden farmhouse in the middle of a cane field. No car, I remember mum meeting me at school, and walking the 7km back to the farmhouse with her. I remember times being poor and mum fretting about food. I was young, but I didn’t miss the fact that money was tight.

Then we moved, moved, moved. Many places I’d go to more than 1 school as I first went to a public school, and once my great grandmother (a devout catholic) kicked up a fuss, then to a catholic school.

My Stepdad was an alcoholic at this time, and physically abusive. He hit mum, he hit me, he played favourites with the children he had previously. I remember one time when I was around 12 or 13, lending my BMX to his son, a few years younger. Now, I didn’t really want to, because he wasn’t great on a bike, but I knew I’d get hit if he went inside and created a fuss because I wasn’t playing nice. So I let him have a ride, he stacked it, hurt himself, and my stepdad came at me, fist swinging. He must have realised mid swing and pulled the punch, as I didn’t go flying across the yard. But the message was clear: that boy was more important than I was. I think it was about this time I really started acting out. Ran away from home (yawn), started stealing anything that wasn’t nailed down. Shit, I remember going on a rampage in town with my neighbours (from a km down the road) one day and literally stealing a remote control car, and even a ladies pay packet out of her car. I’m sorry, lady. If I knew who you were, I’d send you a large sum today to make up for the terrible time I’m sure you had without your pay. :(

There were a number of notable lowlights: getting cast as the secondary lead in a school play only to miss rehearsals due to whatever level of intoxication they had, getting busted down to a small role, and eventually not even taking part. Missing soccer matches due to people being too drunk or too busy socialising to take me the 12km to the field. I only ever played home games, away was just out of the question. On the many house moves we made in that time, one was to a women’s refuge, one was to government provided housing for abused women.

As it stands, at the end of year 10 as mum & stepdad were separating (triggered in large due to a government intervention over his physical abuse of one of my sisters) I asked to be sent to boarding school. I tell the story to people that it was an academic choice, as I was doing well at school and my young siblings made it hard to study. But in reality, I was desperately lonely, and I disliked spending time around the adults in the household. It wasn’t my young siblings’ fault I was distracted. It was the fact I was used as a babysitter and had to keep them quiet as best as I could. Impossible to focus on schoolwork while keeping 3 children between early primary school and toddler happy.

As an adult I’ve had a better time. I’ve been free to move back to Sydney, which I always viewed as home. It was the place things felt normal, the place I had friends and felt loved. I’ve made friends who are smart weirdos like I am, with dark humour but genuine and caring sides to them. They are few and far between, but I love them wholeheartedly, and I feel that in return from them. Never judgement; always understanding and care.

Romantic relations have not been as easy. Anyone who has shown a sign or a period of not being fully into me, I’ve pushed away. I’ve been so sensitive to not being a focus as a child that I can’t handle not being a focus as an adult. I’ve dated some absolute sweethearts and still been a horrid person pushing them away because I’ve dwelled on some item that I felt didn’t show me what I wanted and used that as an excuse to ditch them. Now, I’m not saying all were saints, some truly did treat me poorly, but I know there are examples of amazing people I just didn’t jump in with both feet with because I’m STILL, TODAY so damn scared of being treated as unimportant, as second best, of reliving some of that childhood trauma.

It’s ok, I tell myself. You’re an adult now, it’s all in the past. Except it’s not, that shit is still in my head, and it was there for so much of my childhood that it’s part of me. It defines many aspects of who I am. Smart loner with attachment issues. Great worker until he develops an issue with his boss (parent/power figure) and makes waves. I mean, fuck. It’s there to see, I see it.

So out of all this I’m left with a question: WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU, DAD?

I know my mum could be a right bitch to deal with. Trust me. I had to deal with it. For years, many times alone.

But we had times of being nearly homeless. We lived in a refuge! We had times of being hungry. There was no housing stability. There was abuse. There was so much questionable activity and there was drug haze in our loungeroom for a solid 12 years.

I’m sure if my mother felt she had an option, there were many occasions on which she’d have left my worthless POS stepdad. But she had no money, no family nearby, she was abused. There was no fallback, no safety net. She first had a son to provide for, and later several children to worry about.

Shit, even if you hadn’t fulfilled YOUR RESPONSIBILTY in paying child support, I’m certain there was a time when I was maybe 13 when mum called Joan and Sid to reach out for help. I remember because she was too ashamed to call herself and made me place the call. I remember someone picking up, and I responded automatically “nan-dad” - which is what I remembered calling my grandfather when I was younger. It was Dy on the phone, and she laughed when I said that. I didn’t hear the conversation once mum took the handset, but as an adult I know exactly what that call would have been… and yet our situation remained the same.

For that absence when it counted; I’m not sure I’ve ever forgiven you.

Now, I know full well that forgiveness is for the self, not for the other person.

But it’s so hard to reconcile my childhood with the fact that, even if not as a constant, you weren’t even there when it counted.

What kind of human being does that to their own?

I recently reached out to some of my siblings; the children you had after me, and I was shocked to find that they’ve heard a lot about me. When you weren’t there, when I never got to speak to you, even though I asked for you by name. (I remember knowing you as Keith, not “dad”)

I’ve honestly found it difficult to progress the conversation after reaching out to my siblings, I’m so scared that I’ll just say something like “oh, so he was a dad to you? What was that like?”

I need to deal with this. To eliminate the issues it creates in my personal and professional lives.

But I also need to say a sincere FUCK YOU. Life was hard without you around, and it’s sincerely un-fucking-cool to know that some of the darker periods would have been better if you’d just stepped up to the responsibility you had. You fucking coward. Mum could be horrible, but you had a son. Becoming a parent means that person is more important than you. End of story.

Even if I didn’t have an “always dad” a “sometimes dad” would have really changed things. It would have allowed my mother to escape some of her worst situations (regardless of how how much she’d created them herself). It would have given me a voice of reason in some traumatic times where I had no real adults to turn to. It would have given me more stability when that’s what any child needs in life. Learning to NOT make friends is not a lesson any child should learn. Stealing not just because you’re acting out, but because you’re truly going without is not a lesson any child should learn.

*sigh*

It’s good to get that out, but now I know I need to dismantle this anger, this disappointment, and the end results of the maelstrom this creates in my mind.

And to any partner I’ve hurt by pushing them away unnecessarily: I’m truly sorry. I know it’s a massive movie cliche, but I can say with certainty: it wasn’t you, it was me.

I’ll try, really try, to accept the love that I see and not judge everything through the lens of missing (physically or metaphorically) love.

[mysurveys]

Random Qs

Survey #20 on the Countdown to 2018!

This survey was also done last Sunday.

Thinking back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time?

I was sleeping.

What was the last thing you watched on the TV?

Tangled: The Series. I just talked about that in the last survey.

Do you think pets can get annoying easily?

It depends on their habits and personalities. Our dog annoys me sometimes. She's neurotic and clingy.

Did you know that pickles have no calories?

Except that's not true. They simply have few calories.

Do you enjoy family get-togethers?

Not so much. I'd rather do so many other things.

In a group of three, do you often feel like the third wheel?

No, not really.

What color are your pants?

I'm only wearing a blue nightgown.

Is there snow on the ground where you are?

No, but it very rarely snows here. The front yard was flooded last Wednesday, though. It was up to the start of the walkway toward the front door and getting ever closer.

What's keeping you warm right now?

Probably hypothyroidism.

Has anyone bought you a piece of jewelry?

Sure.

How far away is your next birthday?

It's on May 27th.

Do you have plans for that birthday yet?

No, not yet. I usually go out for lunch and get $100 from my 'rents.

Do you think it’s attractive for a man to wear eyeliner?

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a guy who wears makeup or one who's got tattoos and/or piercings for that matter.

When did you last take a shower?

I never really remember when I'm asked so I always just say that it was recently instead of trying to specifically recall the day.

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon?

Sure, but it really is just a giant hole in the ground that people sometimes fall into.

Have you ever flown somewhere alone?

I've never ridden a plane at all.

Are you more serious or funny?

It varies depending on my mood, how Bipolar II is affecting me and on who I'm with.

Is there someone that annoys you, but you haven’t told them?

I'm too upfront to hide my feelings like that, but no one constantly annoys me either.

When's garbage day in your area?

It's on Tuesday mornings unless there's a holiday on Monday.

Who or what was the last thing to really irritate you?

I haven't felt really irritated in the last few days so I don't remember.

Do you think people either love or hate SpongeBob?

I like Squidward and Plankton myself, but episodes without them are pretty lame most of the time.

Have you seen that new "Lie To Me" show?

Old much? I never watched that show, though.

What's something you’d rather be doing right now?

There's nothing I'd rather be doing.

Do you find that people are too hard on you?

No, not really.

Do you take surveys often?

I used to do them more often, but I was enjoying January and February too much. As for March, that's become my bad health month so I was busy dealing with pain issues mostly.

Who was the last person you yelled at?

My mother. I had to because she kept going "huh?" every time I spoke.

And then she was upset that I had to yell at her. That’s pretty much the story of elderly people. She complains about Dad being that way and then does it herself.

Do you tend to slam things around when you’re mad?

I don't throw or hit things when I'm angry these days, but it also takes a lot to get me to that level.

I only remember throwing three things in my lifetime and I was aiming for the ground. One was a tissue box, one was a wallet and the other was a pillow. I would never do any real damage to a person or object because I'm not violent.

Do you know anyone who hates or dislikes chocolate?

Sure. I know plenty of dudebros who don’t care for sweets.

Do you know anyone who's racist?

I'm sure my father is since he makes it inescapably clear. He feels that way regarding blacks and Hispanics/Latinos, but he also thinks that Asians are intellectually superior based on this really old theory involving IQ tests.

It's not even possible to explain to him that people from a country like Japan have an entirely different culture that supports being ambitious in their academic pursuits and careers. He just thinks they're inherently smarter.

Could you vote in this last election?

I could if I wanted to since I’m 30, but why would I? I wasn't for Hillary by any means and I wasn't for Trump either.

Have you taken a shower today?

I haven't.

How much sleep did you get last night?

I woke up at around nine PM yesterday.

Do you have more girl friends or guy friends?

Definitely more male friends. I have a maverick brain type that gets along better with the average male wavelength.

And that's based on actual science, thank you. If most people weren't so similar, human behavior wouldn't be worth studying.

The majority of humans are really just lemmings, though. It's amazing what most people would do just because everyone else is doing it.

What's your current mood?

I'm doing alright, but my back is a bit sore and I'm getting hungry.

Is there anything on your mind at the moment?

Only getting something to eat after this survey.

Are there any movies out that you’d like to see?

I haven't really looked lately. *JFGI* Maybe Kong: Skull Island or Ghost In The Shell.

Have you ever been on a website called Stickam?

I never used it.

Have you ever hated yourself?

I don't just waste time and energy uselessly hating myself like an emo sad sack because God and I are the only ones who have the power to change who I am.

I get off my ass and improve since that's how life works. It's not like I'm twelve anymore. Come on.

Are you hungry?

I am pretty much, but I'm waiting for this to finish.

Did your parents ever ground you?

They tried to once and failed to be effective.

Where was the last place you went out to eat?

I went to Red Lobster with Mom last Friday.

Have you ever felt like you needed a better life than the one you have?

If I felt that way, I would work on changing my life. Duh? I mean, only people who have no self-control have to stay stuck in a life that they hate.

I'm not like that, thankfully. There are things I can't control sometimes, but there are still other ways to improve upon the life you have rather than giving up.

Do you own an MP3 player of some kind?

I've only ever had a cheap one I didn't really use.

Do you have a moment in your life you wish you could replay over again?

I'm not interested in being stuck in the past at all. I live in the moment and that's part of why I'm generally content.

Have you ever been in a play and if so, did you like it?

I never wanted to be in a play, but I was in some class musicals in elementary school.

What's one musical artist you wish wasn’t making music?

I'm not a dictator. I just don't listen to music I dislike.

When was the last time you cleaned something?

I don't remember.

Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital?

I've never been to the ER for anything serious, but I have been in the hospital for surgeries before.

Do you like your smile?

It's okay, I guess. Or at least other people have said so. I'm pretty indifferent on it right now.

What's your opinion on medication prescriptions being handed out to "fix" people?

There aren't any medications that will solve all your problems and "fix" you, but that doesn't mean there aren't people who still need prescription meds.

I definitely need my pills for diabetes and hypothyroidism. And my Geodon currently keeps my experiences with mild Paranoid Schizophrenia entirely under control to the point that it's irrelevant these days.

However, a lot of people are too dependent upon pharmaceuticals. Some act as if a bunch of pills are supposed to "fix" you as if you're a broken doll. You should help people and fix problems, not the other way around.

Do you have someone that you think truly understands you?

No one understands anyone else entirely and a lot of people aren't that self-aware either. Only God knows me inside and out and all around, but there are several people who know me very well.

When was the last time you doubted yourself?

I'm rarely fettered to self-doubt. I rely more upon God than any human, though.

I think the last time I thought I couldn't do something is when I wanted to stay awake but I had this allergy headache. I doubted I could handle having that all day on top of some other physical pains so I just decided to take my Tylenol PM because I hadn't used any for a few weeks.

Is there anything currently bothering you?

My back is sore and I'm hungry. Honestly, I can't finish this right now. My stomach is going nuts. *takes a food break*

Would you say that you’ve got something "special" about you?

*returns at 10:05 AM* There are special things about each of us.

Who was the last person to cheer you up when you were down?

Besides my cats? I think it was Mom.

Are you scared of what you don't know?

I'm not really frightened by the unknown until it becomes relevant, but even then fear is only a warning that should never paralyze or inhibit you because that renders it your enemy.

Is there anything in the next six months that you’re looking forward to?

*resumes at 10:15 AM after the cat laid on the laptop* I'm waiting for my cousin to visit before my endocrinologist appointment in Galveston where I'd like to eat at the Yamato Japanese restaurant. And I also want to return to the Kemah Boardwalk.

Are you or were you popular in high school?

I never attended a real high school. I went to a private Christian school for all grades for a while and then I did some homeschooling via the web.

Do you really care what people think about you?

Not everyone since that would be an epic waste of time. There are just a handful of besties whose opinions mean a lot to me.

Do you find yourself treating others like you’d want to be treated?

No one consistently does that, but I do it most of the time.

Are you constantly envious of others?

I'm never envious of other's wealth, material goods and statuses nor do I get jealous regarding other people's relationships.

Are you more of a whiner with things or a doer of things?

It depends on the thing really. Some things I hate doing and will complain about, but I usually just do what I need to without a lot of whining unless Bipolar II is bugging me.

That makes me agitated sometimes although it mostly makes me hole up in my bedroom or else I'll just get online and avoid direct contact.

What're three of your favorite TV shows?

Gotham, MLP and Yo-Kai Watch.

Would your friends say you’re a relaxed person or stressed?

My closest friends and besties know that I'm pretty chill most of the time. And even when Bipolar II is making me agitated I'm still level-headed and logical-minded. I don't lose my composure easily.

What do you find yourself worrying most about these days?

I'm a warrior against my health issues right now and not a worrier.

Would you say it’s hard to earn your trust?

It does have to be earned, but how difficult it is depends on the person in question.

Who was the last person to compliment you?

I don't remember.

Did anything interesting happen this past week?

Sure. For instance, we had a flash flood warning and the standing water came all the way up to the start of the walkway leading to our front door.

I tried calling all of the emergency numbers available to me, but my 'rents had turned their phones off during the church services that night. Miss Cindy's phone was going to voicemail too. Only my 90-something Grandma called. LOL

She asked where my mother was so I told her they were at church. The short conversation basically concluded with her saying the equivalent of, "Good luck and let's pray for each other!"

And I'm thinking that such is all well and good, but if I have to call 911 tonight then I will not be a happy camper. The rain let up before the water could reach the door, though.

When was the last time you felt scared?

I wasn’t so much scared as anxious about that flash flood since I'm not easily frightened.

Things that scare me in the moment are usually one of my cats who suddenly appears when you least expect him and whenever our dog decides to pick a fight with him.

I'm sure she could seriously harm him if she really went after him, but she's honestly just a crotchety old shit now.

What’s on your mind this very second?

My pets since I was just talking about them.

Do you know the difference between "your" and "you’re"?

Yes, of course.

Do you correct other people’s grammar and/or spelling when talking to them online?

I correct surveys and sometimes I say something about it after the same mistake has been in multiple surveys too. But I don't correct people in chat rooms or on message boards unless I'm in need of a fracking CIA code-breaker to read their message.

Is bacon one of your favorite foods?

It's definitely my favorite breakfast food.

Are you one of those people who like to sleep in on the weekends?

I don't have anything to sleep in from since I'm no longer in school and I'm on disability. My nonprofit group is something I do from home online and I tend to it whenever I want because it's my group.

Do you like things vampire-related?

Sometimes. It depends. I hated Twilight, but I've liked other vampire movies such as Fright Night and 30 Days Of Night.

Ones about killer vamps are more interesting than the hyper-sexualized ones. Although I didn't really find anything sexual about Edward Cullen. And a diamond vamp doing it with a human? LOL

Have you ever cussed at a parent or teacher?

I've never even talked back to a teacher, but I did call Mom a bitch after she pulled that shit on me. It's really stupid to use that insult against your own daughter because you would have to be one yourself.

When was the last time you saw snow?

No idea since it rarely snows here and I haven't been anywhere to see snow in a long time.

Have you ever felt stupid after saying something?

Sure. I have insomnia sometimes and I'll say things that make no sense on the third day, or I'll do bizarre things like pouring the miso packet directly into the coffeemaker before realizing what I'm doing. I've never gotten to the point of turning it on, though.

Do you find yourself cold at the moment?

I'm not cold.

Are your nails currently long?

They're short right now.

Are you the kind of person who doesn’t like talking about their past?

I don't mind discussing my past, but I'm very upfront.

Do you have long, slender fingers or short, chunky ones?

They're on the long and slender side.

Do you think your foot size fits your body type?

Not really. They're wide because I'm fat, but my feet are short.

Are you the competitive type?

I've never really been competitive with others. I'd rather beat my own scores on things.

Are you more of a mommy’s person or a daddy’s person?

I've always been closer to my mother, but my father acts like a child sometimes and he's really only good at the kind of academics that I'll never comprehend due to dyscalculia.

He understands anything in math, but he doesn't get direct logic. That’s what I excel in and we don’t have to talk to each other in math so it can get annoying just trying to have a conversation with him.

[purplesurveys]

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What's the first thing you do when you wake up, usually? Stretch for a bit then check my phone for any new texts or notifications. Do you like to keep a routine or do you prefer spontaneousness? I like a good, orderly routine. Spontaneity is fine but it depends who it’ll be with, otherwise it makes me go in a panic because I haaaaate being rushed. When was the last time you apologized and didn't mean it? I don’t know, I always mean it when I say sorry. Do you prefer to be the "talker" or the "listener" in a conversation? Listener. My friends always have the more interesting things to say. How are you feeling today? Not sure. Relaxed? I don’t have to go to school and don’t really have anything on my agenda, so I don’t want find any reason why I shouldn’t relax today.

Is there any particular reason as to why? ^ Pretty much laid it all out there. What do you think defines beauty? Mostly anything that’s honest and sincere. Do you find these qualities in yourself? I mean I know I’m honest most of the time but I wouldn’t go around calling myself beautiful haha. Do you know anyone personally with those qualities? I know a lot of people. Is there anything you wear everyday? Yes, my bracelet and necklace. Do you actually brush your teeth three times a day? Very seldom. My usual is twice. How about floss? No. What's your first name? Robyn. Is that actually what you go by, or do people call you by something else? Yes, it’s what I go by. Do you like to sing for other people? Hell no. What's a movie that you think everyone should see? Good Will Hunting. A book that everyone should read? I’m not sure. Do you spend a lot of your time alone? I used to spend ALL of it alone, which was bad. I’m getting better at it each day with how I now choose to spend time with my org mates instead of heading straight home after class. I enjoy their company, and I like this new pace in my life. If so, do you like it that way? I do, I love the change. I was the loneliest freshman kid last year. Do you know anyone personally who has done meth? No. I don’t think you can even find that here... Do you usually like bizarre people? Sometimes. Do you have a best friend? If so, why are they the "best"? Because I can tell them anything and they’ve been with me through my ugliest episodes. They’ve never left, and that’s all I need. Who do you love the most in your life? Gabie. Name something that you would never do: Dunno. Shake Donald Trump’s hand. Have you ever moved to a new country? Nope. Born and raised in the Philippines. How do you usually wear your hair? I let it down for the most part since it looks okay enough that way. Sometimes I would tie it up if the weather becomes too hot. If you could have any hair color, what color would you want? Dark green. Name a song that you feel describes you/your life pretty well: 26 by Paramore. “Survival will not be the hardest part, it’s keeping all your hopes alive when all the rest of you has died.” Powerful. If you could have any animal as a pet, what would you want? 20 more dogs. What's the strangest thing you've ever personally witnessed? That’s too broad. If you could kiss anyone right now, who would you kiss? My girlfriend. Do you have any piercings? Yes. Are there any you would want? No. The nearest object to you (other than your computer/chair/etc), what is it? My phone is resting on my chest. Do you own a kindle? No, I didn’t get into that craze. I never felt comfortable about reading from a digital screen. When was the last time you saw your "first love"? Tuesday. Name something you really like about yourself: I would do anything for my chosen family. Name something you really don't like about yourself: Myself. When was the last time you were sick? What did you have? January or February. I suddenly had a high fever one night but it completely went away in 6 hours. What's your favorite smell(s)? I’m hungry right now so all I could think of is food.  Where's the most beautiful place you've been to? Palawan, the view of the sea I had in Busan, South Korea, and Sagada. What are you going to do after this? Another survey. Or breakfast. Or both! Stretch your hand out as far as you can to the left. What are you touching? My bedside drawer. Do you like to wear make up? Not anymore. It takes forever to put on. Is there anything you'd rather be doing right now? Kind of. I wish I was having breakfast at a nice breakfast place instead, but alas I am just a college kid living on a college kid budget. What's the stupidest song on the radio right now, in your opinion? Literally anything that comes out of The Vamps and Fifth Harmony. I also really dislike Liam Payne’s Bedroom Floor. What's a word you just can't spell right? I’m okay with spelling, it’s pronunciation I fuck up all the time. What's the last book you read? No idea. Did you like it? What do you keep beside your bed? My laptop, phone, and electric fan are in close proximity at all times. Otherwise, the lineup changes. Do you pluck/wax/thread your eyebrows? Shave. I don’t get the hype about eyebrows though so most of the time I let them grow out... What's something unique about you? I have a scar on my left eyebrow because I got hit by a glass bottle once. Who's the smartest person you know personally? Simoune and Angela. And Gab. What makes them so smart? The first two are perfect at everything academics, Gabie just seems to know and has a lot to say about everything. You can't feel pain for an entire day. What would you do? Oh boy. Who inspires you most? I don’t do inspirations, but if I needed a boost or a drive of some sort I’d look at my girlfriend. Have you ever won a contest of somesort? Sure, I won quiz bees as a kid. I hate being in the spotlight so I avoid contests nowadays. Are you straight? No ma’am. Are your nails painted? If so, what color? This question is to everyone’s question about kids. You can only eat one food group for the rest of your life. Which one? Grains. I can’t live without rice dude. Are there any religions other than your own that you identify with? I don’t believe in religion. Who makes you the happiest? Gabie. Do you do any specific exercises to stay in shape? I don’t work out. Which holiday is your least favorite and why? Christmas. Everyone is with their families and I get very lonely. Are you trendy? Not for the most part. What color is your bedroom? Do you like it? White. Always hated it. Have you ever seriously thought you were going to die? Yes, many times. If so, what was the situation? I’ve been very close to doing it to myself, and there was also that near-death car accident I had. What does your shampoo smell like? Doesn’t have a specific scent. It just smells nice. What's your desktop wallpaper? It’s one of the default ones for the Mac.  Have you ever smoked weed? No. If so, did you like it? Have you done any other drugs? If so, what are they? Nope. Do you actually like your smile? I do. Leave off with a word of advice: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.“