selflessselfdiscovery

[selflessselfdiscovery]

[selflessselfdiscovery]

Stay or Leave

Hello 

 I'd truly appreciate to get a respond and opinion from you to my situation because I am currently very lost in my situation. Please let me explain: I am 18 years old and I am graduating at the moment. I will attend university after summer 2018. My boyfriend is 27 years old and works. We used to be in a long distance, but he visited me very often (England-Switzerland). Honestly, I did not like him first very much but when he confessed his feelings to me I decided to give this relationship a shot because he was a very polite and kind-hearted person. I truly enjoyed talking to him all day and night. After we started dating, I got to know about his past which was very new to me. His family is very "messy"; his father cheated on his mother, he left them in debt, his grandfather as well (from father-side), his mom dislikes me because I am not Christian, he takes some personality traits from her (silent treatment when we are fighting). He had many past relationships that did not last more than 3 months (some were even only some weeks) and one "longterm" relationship, that lasted 11 months ish, was with an ex-prostitue that ran away from her family (that was too much for me to take at first because I was brought up in a very calm and peaceful surrounding). The relationship with the ex-prostitute truly haunted me but it was too late for me to turn around because I truly started loving him. She was his first and apparently he had not slept with anyone after that. Their relationship was about drinking every day and having sex until he got an illness and left her. I learnt to accept his past. He used to drink a lot and did drugs in his past as well (I am very innocent I suppose because I do not have the desire to do these things) and now he smokes now and again. However, despite all that, I decided to give my best to make this relationship work out. (This paragraph was about his background that partly still bothers me e.g. his mom ). My side: I grew up in Switzerland and I was brought up in a very loving family with very supportive parents. I do academically well and I only had 3 "longterm" relationships that lasted all around 1-2 years. I do not do drugs nor drink much. I am a student.

So after a month we had our first huge fight and because I was not 100% sure back then whether I should give this relationship a shot, I started the habit of always wanting to break up. He always tried to convince me and chased me. I realized how long it took us to always resolve things (up to 6 hours sometimes..) which had a big influence on my life (academically and mentally ; health wise). This is often because we just never seem to come to a compromise and I do not really understand his way of thinking (He always asks me "what do u mean" and I lose my patience at some point). However I stayed patient and learnt to explain to him so often that he understands. But I am suffering mentally and physically afterwards. I suffer from stress now. He is very good with his words (honey coated words) but also twists his words to the point where he is even irritated by the truth. I know that he is the kind of person who is giving me white lies and tries to make me happy by denying his wrong actions by making himself look innocent. But I love how sweet and romantic he is (I try not to be too naive..) But his manipulations were mentally abusive and the way he uses words that I had a hard time to understand too. However after a year of lots of fights he went once on dating apps / hook up apps when we had a fight because he was desperate and lonely. He told me he wanted attention when I caught him doing so months later. However it hurted me a lot and broke my trust that possibly could never be restored to the trust I had before. The thing is: He went out looking for pleasure outside the relationship on the same day we "broke up" (we came back together the day after). He did not sleep with anyone nor did he contact anyone (apparently....I have no evidence).  It would have been different when he came up to me and told me about his actions but when I caught him he did not tell me the truth first. After a while me having to press the truth out of him he was probably telling me the truth. I will never know because he deinstalled it. It happened when we  "broke up" for a day and he did it and another time when we had a huge fight where he gave me a silent treatment. In those times he watched porn and looked up nudes of specific women (celebrities) up. I have some understanding for porn but I think it is disrespectful if I see him doing so.   Since then (that was few months ago) everything went downwards with me:I started to feel insecure, anxious and thinking about never had any experience (Sex life) with other people made me think about leaving because I feel like missing out (Jealousy about his sexual past, Curiousity). Sexually i am not 100% satisfied because he would never do the first move and if i want to initiate it he avoids it. He is trying to please me a lot if we have it which is nice however he doesn't let me lay a finger on him. I mean I want to please him too. (we have talked about it but it has not changed). I am scared how he loses self control when we fight. He even went to casino ( did not use all his money luckily). Smokes (he stopped for half a year until it went downhill because I hate smoke). I am mostly scared if he feels desperate and lost and lonely again that he would cheat on me again (looking for other women). Now from the bright side: He is very loving and sweet. He gave me the experience of selfless love and I absolutely appreciate how romantic and patient he is with me. Whenever we fight and with the time where I lost my patient and started abusing him verbally and physically he never did anything to me. I stopped being physical because I know it is wrong and got some anger management now. It was a side of me which is very shocking because I never hit anyone before... But he always forgave me and I would not take this for granted and changed. He showers me with gifts (got me so so so many things that cost so much even though he doesn't earn much.) If I talk about a lot it's about weekly to monthly always expensive things (makeup, furnitures, laptop, food etc. (everything prolly..)). He took me out on dates weekly and showed me nice places. Fancy dinner and always looked after me when I am hungry. He is very supportive and tries very hard to motivate me (even though it does not work every time). He respects who I am (except sex life which is not my top priority). He never abused me physically and has never put me down as much as I had. Probelm now: I am scared to never find a man who is so selfless and caring ever again and honestly I do love him still but really not sure whether I should stay or not. I currently put the relationship on a break because we fought this weekend about I wanting more intimacy but he showed me "if you want to" attitude which mean indifference to me. So I put on a break and when I ask him whether he even cares, I get a: "I do that is why I respect your decision" Which i did not expect because usually he would try to convince me first. When we fight it is me who comes up to him first so I feel like taken for granted that I always go back to him. So he does not even try to convince me cuz he knows I will come back (comes from the on and off pattern). He has texted me now but I do not now whether I should reply because we set a time frame of a month. I leave this weekend to Asia for 2 months and graduate on Friday. Instead enjoying last days together we are apart from each other and I am unsure whether I want to continue or not. I am very indecisive. I feel like trying to get more experience (sexually) by being single and travel without stress ( fear of fights ). However I am scared to never find anyone who will be able to give me such a selfless love (he poured all his earning to get me stuff). Please help me. I am very lost and my friends and the people I talk to is very hard to communicate because they seem biased. I wrote a very long text...Thank you so much for your time! I hope you can advice me. Thank you in advance. Kind regards,