#i just needed to rant ignore me lol

[dunadaan]

.

Yknow like. I don’t like to talk about it publicly (or even privately all too often) but even when I vent privately and write out the things I am doing at home to avoid my dad….seeing it all written out makes me go “Kiran. This is not normal living. Normal people don’t live like this.” But I’m so used to it that I basically gaslight myself bc what if I’m wrong? What if I’m making it sound worse than it is?? It’s not *always* like this so surely it’s not that bad.

But god. My dad kicked me out of the house over the holidays and we never spoke about what happened even when I came back. He had yelled and screamed at me- eyes wide and literally spitting as he screamed over the fact that I wanted to spend xmas eve with my mom and xmas with him. As I’ve done every year….he is so jaded and bitter and angry abt my mom moving on after their nasty divorce that the vitriol with which he screamed at me was shocking how much he had in him. We got into a screaming match which I have only ever screamed *once* at my dad- that was at the height of my parents divorce, when my dad would trap me in the car to rant and I screamed and begged him to stop treating me like a punching bag and a therapist. It was awful. And again I had just screamed at him that I couldn’t win-there was no making him happy.

I don’t see my mom anymore bc I’m too afraid of my dad’s reaction. He would always get antsy and think I was leaving to move in with her. He always asked abt my younger sister, who he lost custody of. All he had to do was go to court mandated anger management for six sessions. He could’ve just pretended! Faked getting better! And he put his own fears and himself before her and never went through with it. I am so happy for my younger sister that she escaped. My older sister, too- she cut him off a long time ago. I’m the only one left bc I felt so guilty for leaving him alone, that no one would choose him. He genuinely has no one else in his life and it is such a heavy fucking burden to bear, knowing very well I’m all that’s left.

My older sister told me that I was enabling him by staying…and honestly, she was right. He didn’t change for my mom until it was too late. Not for my older sister. And he will never change for me. As much as I love him, I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to be 30 at home regretting that I was too scared to leave and felt compelled to be there. But I have lived for so long never able to see a future bc I’m too scared of my dad. I have never planned more than 6 months of my life in advanced bc I could never see myself escaping. Never got my license bc my dad refused driving lessons for us and screamed at us while teaching us to drive- instilling a terror of driving in me. I dont want to give control of the car to him if he bought one for me and he demands to be part of the buying process so I just. Gave up.

While he’s somewhat mellowed out over the years, seeing how angry he was, how much he was holding in and directed at me was shocking. He hates that my mom moved on, hates that Trinity moved on, hates her bf, comes up with these delusional stories and thoughts that he feeds his anger on. Said that he didn’t want “sloppy seconds” (fucking gross) and to go spend the holidays with them. That he didn’t want to see my face until the holidays were over. And in that moment I was more angry and irritated than scared and I fought back.

I remember how I used to feel as a kid when my dad was furious- which was constant. Small and scared and alone, and at least I had my older sister then. Anything could set him off- a football game, a bad day at work, a piece of Mail, a phone call, using the wrong tone of voice around him. But now I have no one, and I just…I just didn’t care. The best way to deal with him is to be silent. To say nothing, no matter how much you want to, bc it’ll make it worse. Let him ride out his anger. And when he calms down and “apologizes” (there is always a “but” and a long explanation) it’s better to just say okay. Any time in the past I said it wasn’t okay, or that I don’t forgive him, he got more pissed and it got worse. My mom always put herself in front of us to protect us from him and have him redirect his anger at her because he was taking his anger out on kids!!! Why do you have beef with a 4 year old and a 7 year old!!! My mom even quit her jobs to stay home with us on the weekends bc we were terrified of our dad. I had completely blocked that out until recently.

But god I just stood in the kitchen so confused as he took his anger out on me. I’m an emotional person so ofc I’m not as brave as to not feel fear, but I told him to calm down and use his words (made him madder). He was so angry and nasty and I just said “why are you making yourself a martyr?” And his face went pale and he stopped in his tracks and he actually stopped speaking before telling me fuck you. I will never forget that I had that power over him for just one second. He was ranting about how he has lost everything and paid for it and still paid for it and couldn’t win and I called him out.

And of course it made everything worse, but still. We had a shouting match that just left me sobbing bc I couldn’t win. I can’t make anyone happy. Not seeing my mom anymore didn’t make him happy. Seeing my mom pissed him off. I crawled into bed and bawled so hard I got stomach cramps trying to be quiet. I don’t understand why I try or why I’ve tried for so long. I am so exhausted and have spent my entire life like this.

I’ve walked on eggshells around him since I could speak. I have to be hyper aware of his moods and how quickly he can get angry and try and anticipate that. I dread the rumble of his diesel engine and my day is “over” when he comes home. I constantly check the windows and the door window to see if he’s there. I listen to his breathing to gauge his emotions, especially his anger. I listen to how he WALKS, for fucks sake. I know his footprints and can tell his mood by it. I often have one earbud off to listen for him. I hide in my room any time I’m home bc it’s the only place I feel safe. There’s a lot more too but. This is my normal. I’ve never lived in any other way.

But today I was cleaning and walked into his room to put something away and got SO scared bc my brain tricked me into thinking he was there- it was a fan at the corner of the room instead. I legitimately gasped and felt a super sharp pang of fear in my stomach, and then heard the rumble of a diesel engine which made it even worse as I ran to check the window. It wasn’t him.

I’ve known for a long time that the way he treats me isn’t okay. I know by typing it all out it’s insane to go “am I the asshole?” Bc. In what world would I be. But my brain is so numb to it that it’s like “whatever.” And every time we sit down to talk my dad manages to twist my words and actions so thoroughly that I question myself with everything. Even if I’m confident abt something I can never trust myself bc what if I’m wrong? What if I am a bad person and do all these bad things and blaming it all on my dad? What if I really am what he says and it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be? I second guess every decision in my life bc of this.

But the fact that I was home alone and panicked THAT badly thinking he was in the house….

I came home from spending Christmas with my mom and stayed until the 27th, so I had been dreading seeing my dad. My dad and I haven’t spoken much at all since then. He hasn’t apologized at all- we still haven’t even opened gifts. They’re just sitting there. He approached me the other day and said that he wanted to live in “peace” and that I needed to be an adult and open gifts and we can get pizza- he wanted to open gifts bc he wanted to take down the tree, and refuses to order pizza himself. He acted as though I were at fault for the atmosphere.

I have pretty much been hiding in my room since the 27th. I leave only when I hear him go into the garage or when I know he’s in his room. I stash some food in my room but I often don’t eat all day until he goes to bed at night and I’m running out of food to hide. I am probably eating less than 600 calories a day since I’ve been home. I am so tired of living like this and I need to have to spine to talk, but I don’t feel like it should be *me* to broach it. I wasn’t the one who caused all this and like….part of me is shocked he hasn’t outright apologized for how horrifically he treated me. And yet the other half of me knows that he’s always been like this..why would he feel remorse for treating me this way when this is how it’s been my whole life? That he never wants to take accountability?

I want to tell him that I’m done. That he isn’t going to change for me and I see that now. That I want to move out and go abroad. I have the most amazing opportunity to teach English and I have a potential roommate set up and friends and a support system. I have never had goals or dreams bc I was too afraid to leave him alone in fear that he would kill himself bc he talks about it a lot. How he would do it, how he wants to do it. More recently especially….and if I’m honest, he just bought a rifle which scares me. My mom took his shotgun to hide bc she had no idea if he’d finally go through with it (especially with me staying behind with him- apparently he’s threatened to kill himself my parents whole marriage.) For years I lived in fear of coming home and finding my dad’s body in the house. And I can’t live like this anymore.

My biggest dilemma is taking Posey with me. I feel evil and cruel for even considering taking her with me abroad. posey is just as much my cat as she is my dads, and he was the one who found her. But the thought of abandoning her, even if only for a year or two (or longer, who knows) is so horrifying to me. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her behind. But even now, after all this, I still feel terrible for my dad. That when I leave I’ll be the last person to do so, and to take the cat too??? He’d truly be left with nothing. I don’t even think he’d LET me take her. Do I steal my cat and take her?? Potentially damaging my already awful relationship with my dad? I’ll habe to leave a majority of my things behind and I don’t want to cut contact bc I dont want to lose access to these things eventually- whether I move out permanently or not.

If I tell him I want to leave idk what will happen. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call. Maybe he’ll become worse. Maybe I’ll be weak and break down and give in and not move out. Maybe he’ll end up killing himself or even me (though I highly doubt it…it’s not a 0% chance).

I’ve never moved out before. I pay my own bills and can cook and clean but the thought is terrifying. I’d leave everything behind if it meant taking my cat with me. There’s so many hoops to go through and I’m scared but I have to do this. I have to do this but I don’t know how to be brave. If I can’t even face talking to him, how can I be brave enough to be independent and escape? I am trying to take baby steps but god. I am so paralyzed with fear and don’t know how to start. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to go back to what’s “normal” for me. I want to live.

Idk. I am just so tense and emotionally fraught and frazzled. My body has been clenching so hard the last few weeks that my teeth are aching. My dad just pulled up in his truck and I am so nervous and anxious. My day is over now…idk how to do this. Idk how to face him bc we have to talk eventually. But in my heart I know it won’t go well.

[addicted-to-the-knife]

I think it's very important that we bring back this inherent understanding that actors are also just some fucking guys (gender neutral)

[liesmultixxx]

being the ugly friend is really humbling

[chickensauras]

Vinland saga anime was so bad i think it actually fully killed my fixation -_-

[kaidanalenkosprmanager]

THE BEST OF SHENKO 1/?

The end of the world has a way of reminding you of all the things you forgot to say do. Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)

[bombuni]

guys is it crazy that ateez is like genuinely the only thing that gives me enough hope and happiness to not completely lose my shit and die when im off my meds

[willbyersabyss]

some people in this fandom are so pretentious and rude

[theclearblue]

I'm gonna get into a brawl with my mother one day don't be surprised when I get on the news

[rollercoasterwords]

hi! thank you for the kind words, i'm happy you're enjoying the fic. but i also want to use this message as an opportunity to talk about something/set a boundary that i haven't really known how to discuss, and i've blocked out your name because even though i'm not angry or upset with you, i want to make sure i'm not sending any hate back your way. 

i know that this message is well-intentioned, and i know you likely think it's nothing but a compliment to ask me to write more--after all, you're only asking me to write more because you enjoy the story so much! shouldn't that be a nice thing for me to hear? 

and like. i think that's why this is difficult for me to talk about. i don't want to come across as ungrateful or overly sensitive or like i don't appreciate the compliments, because i do. but at the same time, hearing someone say, "please write more of this fic for me, i love your writing so much!" is still hearing someone say "please write more of this fic for me!" like. 300,000 words is incredibly long. most novels are between 70k-100k words. a 300k word book usually takes years to write--years, and hundreds of hours of labor. maybe you chose that number randomly, or you're exaggerating for emphasis; but no matter how nicely you're phrasing it or how facetious you're being, ultimately this sort of message still puts pressure on me to produce a massive amount of writing in a short period of time. and even if you meant it as a compliment, it doesn't feel nice to me. being pressured to churn out hundreds of thousands of words makes me feel as though i'm being seen as a content-creation machine for the entertainment of others, and i don't like that. writing is a labor of love for me, but it is still labor--hours of time and effort that i'm putting into these works which i share for free, with no expectations of anything in return except maybe a few kind words from those who feel like reaching out. when i get messages or comments like this pushing me to write more, to write faster, it makes me feel as though my time and labor are not respected at all; as if there's absolutely no consideration for the amount of effort it takes to write the stories. which, again, makes me feel like i'm being viewed as some sort of fic-writing machine that can just pump out hundreds of thousands of words on demand for others' entertainment.

and none of this is helped by the tongue-in-cheek comment about how you're "suffering" waiting for updates. again, i understand that this was well-intended and maybe even a playful exaggeration that's supposed to be complimentary. but there are ways to tell me you enjoy my writing and eagerly wait for updates without telling me how much you dislike waiting between chapters. posting once a week is already a difficult schedule for me to maintain, and it's entirely possible that i'll need to take another break in the future or skip a week or something. i've been very clear about the fact that my update schedule is subject to change since i started writing the fic; that's just part of reading a wip. but when i get messages or comments like these with people telling me how they don't like waiting for updates, or comments directly asking me to post more than once a week, or--back when i did take a break--comments begging me not to take a break, it all adds together and builds up and creates this pressure to write more, write faster, post the new ch now now now. if you were the only person making this type of comment, it probably wouldn't bother me and i'd just respond and go "thanks lol" and move on. but the problem is that you aren't the only one--since more people have started reading the fic, i've consistently been getting comments like these, where the backhanded pressure to write more or write faster is couched in compliments. it's just so hard to wait for updates because i love your writing so much! i just want you to write more and post now and write faster because i love your writing so much! i know it's all well-intended, but none of it makes me feel good. it just makes me feel a mounting pressure to produce produce produce.

i feel like there are so many conversations happening in this fandom about how we need to treat writers better, where people go "the fandom is so shitty" and everyone goes "yeah!" but no one ever thinks they're part of the problem. and i think it's because everyone thinks the problem is like...really blatantly rude and entitled messages. and like, i get those too--people telling me they don't like a certain characterization and asking me to rewrite the fic; people repeatedly demanding that i write a certain fic for them; people just outright shitting on things i've written because they don't like it and for some reason think i want to know that. but none of that is super common. what is super common is the steady stream of comments and messages like this one, where they are so well-intended and don't see anything wrong with what they're saying because they think they're giving me a compliment. but all these "compliments" build up and create this pressure that hangs over my head to be constantly producing and writing, which is ultimately what leads to burnout and also makes me feel like i'm not being seen as a person so much as a machine. 

so like. idk. i'm not gonna try to speak for every writer in the fandom; maybe there are people out there who do appreciate this kind of message, who feel like it motivates them to write. but for me, i want to make it clear: i really don't appreciate being asked to write more or write faster or to write a certain trope/ship/etc; i am not a waiter taking your order at a restaurant. writing fic is not a service i'm providing for you that you pay me for in comments or kudos or messages or any sort of attention, because i am not writing for that attention in the first place. so when it comes to interacting with me, i'd ask that you reevaluate the way you give compliments and think about what sort of pressure you're putting on me, regardless of how well-intentioned your message is. again, no hard feelings towards you--like i said, this message probably wouldn't even register as pressuring to me if not for the fact that i get so many little comments like it, all from equally well-intentioned people who think they're just giving a compliment, all of which builds up together. 

anyway. all that being said. to answer your question: the fic will likely be four parts, not three as i originally intended. it will probably end up somewhere between 100-200k words based on the fact that we're already at 80k and i've only just started part iii, but i am not going to put pressure on myself to write a certain amount of words or hit a certain length. i'm just going to write what i want to write when i want to write, and share it as i want to share it. i'm happy to have you along if you want to be here, but if the cliffhangers or waiting for updates becomes too unenjoyable for you then there's no pressure for you to stay, yknow? no hard feelings on my end either way :•)

[zymstarz]

yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

[secondstar-acorn]

not to be angry on main but to the person who was very loudly complaining about "just for once" and started making fun of me for handing out bracelets in the queue for starkid. why the fuck were you there

[no1ryomafan]

Not to mention super vs real discourse because it’s stupid but any hardcore real fan who hates supers and saids they only like one super but it’s not getter robo their on my hitlist.

I’m sorry to be biased as I don’t think getter is perfect or anything but I will always be baffled by the people who can’t find enjoyment out of the sheer insanity of getter. They really have no fun in their soul.

“But the robot combing doesn’t make sense” who gives a shiiiiiiit man.

[thebest-medicine]

.

[mrsoharaa]

Let me just jump into ongoing traffic rq lmaooo (joking ofc lol) 😂💀🚗🚙🏃🏻‍♀️💨

[good-oldfashioned-lover]

Rant ahead!

Tw: burn out, anxiety, mentions of unalive and sh

Anyone else ever feel so tired of just... being tired? Like ik it doesn't make sense. But the day literally hasn't even started for me yet and I'm so fucking done. No amount of sleep or rest or breaks from studies is helping me. I just feel like screaming and punching something. Literally everything every. Single. Thing. Is pissing me off and I just want to quit. I can't do this anymore. Fuck everything. I am so done. I can't even let myself be carried away in music and stories anymore. Nothing helps. And I really really just want to give up on life itself but you know what fucking hilarious? The fact that I am such a coward to not even be able to THINK about unaliving myself because of how many people I'll hurt if I did that. And i just want to feel something. Anything. And its getting so hard to not just go looking for a pencil sharpener or somn around my house. And the truth is? I can't even anymore. I'm so tired. And it's getting so hard to see anything past all of this and I can't bring myself to care about anything or anything and it'd all slowly fading away right before my eyes. And it's like I'm floating in this bottomless ocean, except I'm not getting yanked but instead slowly getting pulled and I can't help but slowly give into it as the water fills me all around inside and out. Regulus Black core indeed. I just. Idek anymore. Fuck this shit

[loumauve]

I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.

(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)