#i just love how they know how az acts towards Elain is weird so they deny clear canon and push it on to someone else

[stargirlie25]

Lucien was talking about Graysen here.

He wanted to ask Rhysand how one would survive knowing your mate chose someone else.

Meaning?

He would let Elain leave the bond for her own sake

Don´t ever disrespect Lucien and say he would show anger if Elain made a choice. He is saying right here that he would try to survive it.

I'm sick and tired of people portraying Azriels traits (towards Elain) onto Lucien.

AZRIEL is jealous of Lucien and Elain's bond. AZRIEL has one sided beef with Lucien. AZRIEL is the one who thinks he is worthy of Elain. AZRIEL has entertained the idea of killing Lucien.

Not LUCIEN.

Note: This isn´t an anti az post but we all know how fucked he is. (coming from a gwynriel) WHO IS ALSO PRO LUCIEN 4LIFE

Lucien, just like any mate would support Elain in whatever choice she makes because, say it with me!

HE 👏 IS 👏 HER 👏 MATE 👏 

And Az does not have the same maturity to do that because he is not Elains mate.

and he will be fine

[visd3stele]

hi, found this in lucien's tag and it reads genuine and respectful, so me, being the discussions loving yet deprived literature nerd that i am, thought to answer. !!!NOT LOOKING FOR A FIGHT, SIMPLY A DEBATE!!!

so, the way i see it, sjm is quite fond on her mate pairs, always has been and would be weird for her to not make mates endgame. she also enjoys putting her mate pairs (and the reader) through PAIN. like, they gotta work for their happiness.

before answering the questions, i'd like to preface by saying that azriel wants a mate. he's jealous of his brothers because of it and angry with lucien for not only getting one, but also that one faited person for him being his brothers' mates sister. which, in turn, makes his feelings seem solely lustful* and him appear entitled.

*feeling lust isn't a bad thing, but it does not equal love

besides, why would sjm write nesta having threesome thoughts about him if she wants him to end up up with elain, her sister? why write his shadows (something he finds comfort in) feel at ease with gwyn, but shy away from elain? why write both of them as good singers and have elain give back every single gift from az? why have az and gwyn share a special moment on solstice and train together?

now, to the questions:

1. he's not the only one who can. fae's can smell mating bonds in general. az being able to smell their bond is framed in the spotlight because he's so upset about it.

2. because they are a family? az is still rhys and cassian brother and elain is still feyre and nesta's sister. they don't have to end up together for this to be true. besides, they don't like lucien. he's not part of their family. ofc she won't draw him. not everything mor does has to do with her powers, which isn't seeing the future, so i'm not quite sure what the point of this question was in the first place...

3. elain doesn't want a mate, doesn't want to be fae. being in the same room with lucien is awkward for her, for both of them, actually. so, yeah, she doesn't know how to adress the situation, so she whitdraws.

4. feyre was fine when away of rhys too (before she accepted the bond, when she was in spring and didn't know of the mating bond yet). her distress was due to trauma, not from being away from her mate. so why wouldn't elain be the same without meaning anything?

5. he's trying to give her space and not impose on her. just like rhys did, when he would have let feyre marry tamlin, if that would have been her wish.

6. elain isn't on speaking terms with lucien. they're not friends. why get him something? while az is in the ic, family, they live together...

7. it's not told yet. but there is still time to find out. meanwhile we know what she does with azriel's gifts: give them back.

8. mor is a female he loves/loved, but wasn't good for him (because she's into females, not males). his shadows are his protectors, maybe they try to keep him away from another heartbreak.

9. he doesn't? lucien can't be around elain often, but the times he is, he stands up for her, tries to help, he's protective... all traits of a mate. az being a good male towards elain doesn't mean he's acting like a mate.

10. not sure how this has anything to do with him and elain. it seems more like a promise of an az story rather than a elriel one.

11. i wouldn't say is that deep. just like cass got nesta something and threw it away in the river and it was never mentioned again what it was inside that box. besides, az doesn't mind the singing, he enjoys it.

12. happier does not equal completely healed or in love. it just means he's accepted somewhwere. ofc he's happier when he's not looked at like he's an intruder.

13. again, because elain doesn't want that yet and he's doing right by her by staying away. he has a different personality than rhys, he can't strike a deal with her and force her to get to know him. and having friends and wanting to work for a purpose doesn't mean he prefers vassa's company over elain's. he's not living alone with her either, there's jurian too.

14. mating bonds aren't created on spot. feyre was rhys's mate long before she was made fae, nesta was cassian's mate before being made fae.

15. rhys had a hunch it's feyre even before she became fae. then, as she was turned, he realized it's true and flew away. he wasn't immediatly sure of it because feyre being human made it harder for him to tell. likewise, as soon as elain was out of the cauldron and a fae, lucien could feel the bond.

16. he wanted her to have something to protect herself with. i'm sure lucien, cass, mor, rhys, or anyone else would have done the same. as for stepping outside of the shadows, it can mean so many things. like elain's first step into accepting her new life and form, elain's first step into recovery from trauma, elain's first step into owning her position instead of being cast to the side (she does say in silver flames that she can and wants to help).

17. why is this the only option? maybe she develops a crush. they have interactions and gwyn isn't uncomfortable around az, quite the opposite.

18. maybe the bond didn't snap yet. it is said in acotar lore that faes can know each other for lives before the bond snaps into place. just like lucien and jesminda waiting oh so certain for theirs to snap into place (and even if it didn't, lucien still being sure she was his mate).

19. for her. no arguments. yeah, rhys ordered az to stay away to prevent unwanted political disasters. but that's because elain hasn't rejected the bond. she is not pressured to accept it. even rhys said that if she wants to, she can reject it. it's her choice.

20. why have nesta and cass sort of get along while she was still human, only for her to be cold towards him after? why have feyre be with tamlin, love him so much her love for him broke a curse? why change lucien's and nesta's mates if she wouldn't want to write their stories? sjm loves some angst before having her pairs end up together.

21. sjm doesn't control the accessibility of her books. and it is not her job to do so. and as for the begginning, it can be an argument for gwynriel as well. she started something for them in that bonus chapter.

as for the rejected bond, i don't think it's something sjm, a romance writer, known for and beloved for developing the mates trope, would explore in a book. it's much more likely she'll talk about rejected bonds through a pair that already lost theirs, like helion and the lady of autumn court for example (bcs why write them as secret, forbidden lovers and have them have a secret child together, one that loa loves the most, if she doesn't want to continue their story as a subplot?).

I think a big reason as to why I can't accept the possibility of Gwynriel or Elucien is because of how much Sarah has put into Elriel. Not putting Elriel together would leave so many questions unanswered.

Some of the questions that I have about everything that need to be answered regardless of who ends up canon or not are:

Why can Az smell Elain's bond with Lucien?

Why did Mor (whose power is truth) draw the sisters and bat boys on the wall in the cabin like it was some family portrait?

Why does Elain gain confidence around Az but loses her newfound boldness around Lucien?

Why does Elain seem fine when Lucien is gone all the time?

How can Lucien stay gone all the time?

Why does Elain get Az gifts and not Lucien?

What has Elain done with the gifts that Lucien buys her?

Why do Az's shadows react to Elain the way that they do to Mor?

Why does Az act more like Elain's mate than Lucien does?

What did that spark mean at the end of Az's bonus chapter if it literally had no effect on the rest of silver flames?

Why did Elain get Az ear plugs when the next night he "found" himself at the house of wind when the priestess were singing? What does this mean?

Why does Lucien seem happier talking about and to Vassa?

Why does he choose to stay with her and not attempt to get to know Elain?

What if the poison that was in Az's blood affected a potential bond between him and Elain the night she was changed?

Why did Lucien immediately feel their bond when it took feysand and nessian months and years to feel theirs? They had always known but they couldn't feel it until later on and Amren was the only one who could smell feysand's bond and she's made different. What does this mean?

Why did Az feel the need to give Elain TT and how was she able to use it and step out of shadow to kill the king?

Why is Gwyn so concentrated on Az during training if it's not because he reminds her of that night and wants to prove herself?

If Gwyn and Az are mates, why doesn't he act like it? Why doesn't she act like it? You think she would have told Nesta or Emerie during the rite when they were telling each other their stories.

If Elain accepted the bond, would it be for her or because of how much it would benefit the Night Court?

If Sarah has planned for Elain to end up Luicen all this time, why talk about rejecting the bond? Why make her avoid Lucien and develop some type of feelings for Az if she's going to accept the bond and have a happily ever after with Lucien?

Why spend precious page space and word counts showing Elain and Az being happy with each other and attracted to each other just for them "to end" in a bonus chapter that more than half the readers did not have access to when it came out? Was that the intention or are they just getting started?

If Elucien and Gwynriel were always meant to be endgame, the why leave readers with questions like these? Why make it where two people get to know each other, accept their failed loves (Grayson and Mor), develop attraction toward one another and have these secret moments between the two just to ignore this and put them with a mate they don't want and someone they wouldn't even call a friend?

Having these questions, especially the ones about Elriel, won't allow me to accept any other ship that's not Elriel.

Feel free to add any more questions if you guys want to. These are just what I could think of in the 10 minutes it took for me to make this post lol

[shadowcrowsworld]

Disappering (4)

Azriel x reader

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Summary: will they find the truth

!English isn't my first language!

Velaris

Freya and Nesta found their sister in her little garden planting a new flower. With the sound her sisters made Elain lifted her head and smiled in the direction of them. "Hello you two" Elain cleaned her hands on her dress and walked out of the colorful flowers. The other sisters looked at each other when they smelled it.

Nesta brushed against Feyres mentalshield and was let in. "Why does she smell like Azriel?" "I don't know but I don't like it. Y/N's is gone since this morning and he spends time with Elain." "That is one part the other is that they didn't say goodbye to each other. Azriel doesn't know where Y/N is. Cassian would tourn the whole Court around when I was just gone in the morning without a word to find me." "Rhys as well. When we wouldn't have this situation know and you would have asked me two weeks ago I would have said Azriel would have done the same, when not being even worst."

"I think we need to talk about something" Nesta started the conversation, without anypart of friendliness. "Did something happen? Is everyone alright." Feyre could see the concern in her sisters face but she had the feeling that there was more beneath it. "Everyone is okay, nobody is hurt." at least not physical, but let see how the talk between the boys turn out Nesta thought. "Did you see Az this moring?" Feyre asked.

"Yes we had breakfast together before he is gone to traing." At least she was honest Nesta thought "Don't you think it is a little weird meating with a happily mated male in the morning after the day of his anniversary." Nesta was like always, strait to the point. Both could see a change in the body language of their sister.

"I think it is his decision. When he likes to spend time with me I will not do something against it." There wasn't even a small hint of remorse. The sisters keept on with their conversation but the only answer Feyre and Nesta got was that Elain was acting strange.

There must has happend something because it seems like Azriel and Elain spend more time with each other as before Azriel and Y/N even met. And with the mating bond clicking for the shadowsinger then everyone could see how much he adored and loved her. That couldn't chace over night.

‐‐

Cas and Rhys found theire brother already traing with a sword. Cas was angry "Don't you think your missing something?" "What should I mis?" Cas grapped after a sword and let it colide with Azriels

"I don't know let me think about it maybe your mate?." Cas let out between clenched teeth. "She is at work. Go to Madja if you want something of her. Or do you need me as a delivery boy?" Rhys grapped a sword as well and swung it in the derection of Azriel. "We need you to get your brain back into your illyrian head."

The boys were dancing around each other and the swords of Cas and Rhys always colliding with the one of Azriel "Sorry to disappoint you but I have no clue what you are talking about." Azriel answered"Your mate stod infront of my door this morning." Azriel rased his eyebrows "So what? Let her be I don't need my mate attached to my hip." Azriel the one out of the three who always cared about where his mate is even letting his shadows with her didn't care about it. That must be some kind of a stupid joke. Cassian thought.

"Feyre brought her to the Summer Court." Both of them saw something flickered behind there brothers eyes and his shadows started swirl around nervously, like there where trying to escape the strong hold of the shadowsinger to get his mate. At least they are showing emotions towards Y/N, Rhysand thought "Why is she in the summer." He asked like he didn't really care about his mate being so far away from him. "Learning and teaching Tarquins healer." "So let her be she is doing her job."

The general and the high lord tried hart to get behind theire brother thought but it was like talking to a wall there was not even a hint of the Azriel they knew when it came to Y/N it was like he never existed. The topic with Elain was even harder he didn't even saw something wrong in his behaviour. When they were done with training the two just hoped that the sisters had a better conversation.

-----

The Summer Court was different to what you were used to. It was warm all the time it was warm even when the clouds let out some drops of rain it was still warm. The work with the healer of the Summer Court was was different as working with Madja but not in a bad way. Felon was talking so much you sometimes didn't even know if he was breathing.

But he was a help for you, he distracted you from your thought that were butting you down. So the night was your problem after the second night you talked with Varain. You knew him trough Amren and talked to him before. You asked him if there was a possibility to train and just tired your body down so you fall into your bed. It didn't need an hour after he was back with you. He made a little plan with Tarquin and you were sure he organised it so fast because he had contact to Velaris. The plan was you were working with Felon till lunch and then you train with with Varian.

The next day Varian picked you up and brought you to a traing space. "So something special or do you just want to knock of your thought." He asked carefully. "I don't know some endurance training with a little bit of fighting." "Alright nether Cas or some of the girls trained you so let's see where are you standing and we see where it goes from there." You nodded, "what is more your thing swimming or running." "Swimming definitely. I hate running." He smiled. "Alright then let's get started."

He let me swim for an hour, the it goes on with some stretching, and then he started my first defending lessons. When your first training session was done you tried get even some air. It was like your body wanted to swim away in your sweat. You were just lining on the traing mat and Varian was standing over you with a smile on his face. "That was better than I acspectet of you. But I think should bring you to your bed now and we keep on training tomorrow." He pulled you up from the ground and onto your feed.

We were standing in front of my room that Tarquin gave me for my time in the Summer Court before I turned around to him. "You can tell them that I am doing fine everything else would be a lie but let the training part out or Cas will get jealous." "I don't know what you mean with that Y/N." "You know what I mean. Don't act dum Varain I know my family good enough for being sure that you are playing my minder." "I pleaded innocent." "It is alright at least they care. Goodnight Varian." You've got in the room and only undressed yourself before you fell into your bed.

----

You have staied now nearly a month in the Summer Court and you were missing your home, you were missing you mate. Even when he has sown you nearly no attention before you left he was still there.

Felon and Varian have done anything they could du distract you and mother were you proud when you disarmed Varian for the first time but immediately your smile had fallen. You wanted to tell it Azriel and the rest of your family hearing a comment of Cassian about Varians fighting skills. To get disarmed by you the little monkey.

Today you had a day of you've asked Tarqiun if you could get this day it was full moon and you family had made the traditio to meet at the night of the full moon for a family dinner and spend some quality time with each other. Everything that was attached to Court duties and Problems was banned from the evening so everyone could just relax.

You looked yourself in Tarquins library and were scrolling trought a book with flowers and there healing and poisoned abilities as well as special powers. You didn't were paying much attention to the book until you saw a flower that locked quiet familiar.

First you couldn't make out where you saw that before until remembered. You saw it in Elains garden and not even one there was nearly a field of them.

As fast as possible you read the chapter. At the end you rushed out of the library and were hoping that Falon was still in his personal office.

You didn't knock at his door and just run into his space. He was sorting some ingredients and nearly let some of them fall to the ground with your entry. He carefully put them on the table before he turned to you. "Y/N you can't do that to me." "Sorry but I need your help."

"What is it that I nearly had a heart attack." You flunged the book onto the table and opend the correct chapter and turned the book around so he could read it.

"Y/N I don't want to but you down but do you have a clue about how rare this flower is?" "Yes I know I have read the chapter as well but our lovely Elain has a whole field of it." Your hands ruffeld trought your hair and you where walking from one side of the room to the other.

This speculation wad your only hope that there was change to get your mate back. Falon stopped you from walking and took your hands out of your hair. "I will help you to make the antidote but you will need more then just the antidote." "I know I already have a plan for the rest but the antidote will be the main thing I will need." "Okay than let's get started."

You nearly needed an hour to get ready and every single second felt like a eternity. With the antidote and one last hug with Felon you searched for Varian. You hoped that he wasn't part of your family dinners today. It would be much easier to walk with Varian into the house of winds as with the high lord of the summer Court.

You found him and Tarqiun in the dinning room. "Hello can we help you" Tarquin has been sure he wouldn't see you anymore on this day. "I am sorry to disturb you but I need Varian to bring me to the night Court." Both man frown. "Is everything alright Y/N?" Varian asked carefully. "Yes and no I may or may not have found the reason for Azriels behaviour." "Are you sure Y/N?" Tarquin asked and you nodded. "Than I will not stand in your way."

He nodded to his cousin who walked over to you "Do you want strait to the house of winds or are stepping by somewhere else before?" He asked outside of the dinning room. "First we need to go to Elains House" without asking why he took your hand and in the next second you where back in the night Court. The cold air hit your skin but you just ignored it you didn't have the patience now.

"Why are we here?" "Because of the stupid flowers in Elains garden." You mentioned in the direction of the flower field on your left. Elain has many flowers what is knew about it?"

"Do you see the wonderful pinkish ones with the grey center?" He nodded as he saw them. "They are extremely rare and with the right treatment they can be a wonderful love potion. That will make the person who stands under it fell in love with the producer and is so strong that it can even manipulat matet persons."

You could see how he connected the new Informations. "Y/N do you know what that means when you are correct?" "Surley what do you think we are doing her? Felon and me have already made the antidote so I just need to find some material in this house and I have everything I need."

"And how do you think we will get into the house without knocking down the door?" A small smile creeped onto your face. You knew the front door was to strong for even Cassian to knock it down but the balcony door looked like you could open it.

Without a explanation you climbed up onto the balcony and pulled out of your trousers a small filament and the dagger Varian had given to you. "Y/N do I wanna know why you know how to crack up a door?" He stood behind you and looked over your shoulder. "Let's just say one or the other task in truth or dare helped to gain this ability. And with that being said the door gave swung open.

"What am I looking for." Asked Varian after he followed you into the house that smelled like a flower garden it self. When you were right there was no wonder that not even your mate discovered the poition. "When you find vials with a pinkish serum would it be fantastic." He nodded. You separated and walked trought the whole house. You were already searching for so long that you were just one step away from giving up. "I have them, they are on the attic."

You climbed onto the attic and found Varian leaning over a big chest. There they where that must nearly be twenty or even more. And it didn't even need a lot of that liquid to manipulate someone for one week. The anger built up in you and your blood started to boil. You hand clenched harder around the dagger.

"Bring me into the house of winds. Now." You said trying not to let your anger out on him. Wisley he just grabbed you arm and you were falling down onto the training space on the roof.

You didn't look behind you if Varian was following you. You could make out theire voices behind the door to the dining room. You burst trought the door and everyone's eyes shoot in your direction. But your whole concentration was lining on the female next to you mate. "Hello little monkey." You hear Cas voice but keept ignoring it.

"Elain I give you one second to step as far away from MY mate or I will need to hurt you." You said with a very sweet voice. Elain didn't move and your mate stood up and covered her with his body. Don't take it personal Y/N he can't do anything about it. "Y/N what happend?" Feyre asked not sure if she should protect her sister or just let it go and see where it goes.

"Oh there is a wonderful explanation the so sweet Elain had bred a flower that has the ability to manipulate even mates to fall in love with the brewer." Never letting Elain out of your eyes.

"Is that true Elain?" Rhys asked but Elain shocked her head. "No why would I do that we love each other. Y/N is just jealous and can't deal with the fact that he choosed me and not her." "Elain stop lying we where in your house I saw the poitions as well." Varain said who has gone to Amren and stood behind her chair. "Nesta you must belive me." She tried to find help in her sister but Nesta just looked into your face.

She could see the hurt the damage you have gone through over the last weeks. Elain saw that Nesta wouldn't stand on her side and laid a hand on the shoulder of your mate. "GET YOUR HANDS OF HIM" you walked into their direction and Azriel stept infront of you. Mor, Cas and Rhys were all ready to step between you and the shadowsinger to protect you.

You could feel his breathing on your skin he was ready to fight you could see it in his eyes but hos shadows calmed you much to his indignation. They were brushing gently over your skin like they were checking you on any harm and welcoming you back. "Get out of my way please Azriel." you plead you didn't want to hurt him you saw something in his eyes but the moment was gone really fast and he looked at you again like you were his enemy. "No I think you need to leave no one wants you here." "Azriel!" You could her the voices of your family.

"I am sorry." As fast as you could you go down under his arm and kicked his legs away from under his body. You pushed your knee on his sternum and pinned him like that on the ground. In one hand you held your dagger against his throat and in the other was the antidote and brought him to drink it.

When the glass in your hand was empty you stood up from his body. He was knocked out, you knew that this would happen so you just stood up. "Can someone tell if I am dreaming or did the little monkey just said ur shadowsinger on his ass?" "I did and when you don't shut up you will be the next one but first Elain." You looked to her she was now completely with in her face.

"Tell the truth and step out of my sight or I will forget myself." "I... I..." "You what Elain why do you had the need to stell my mate?" The fear in her face switched to anger. "Because he I mine I was her before you. He was so close to love me and then you came around and stole him from me. You dumm whore. He is mine." Before your anger could get the best of you the shadows around you were getting more and you felt something what you haven't felt for weeks.

Azriel he tucked and bond and you opend up. You turned around and saw him he was conscious again and held up by his brothers you saw the guilt in his eyes. I don't deserve you. You could feel the guilt the self hate how he was butting him self down and the love. The endless love.

You broke down ro the floor sobbing. He was back you had your Azriel back your mate. He crawled to you and pulled you into his chest. Like his life was depending on it. His shadows and wings capturing you in a cocoon. He saying charming and calming words one after the other but his presences the bond and just his body was al you needed. It was like coming home after years. Because he was your home. Your emotions get the best of you and you dosed of into the blackness.

One week later you were in ur bad prest against Azriels body with a blanket over you two. One wing trapped over you aswell as his shadows. Since the day you have stormed into the family dinner he didn't leave your side and apologised so many times. But it wasn't his fault you knew that.

"I love you Y/N I will never leave your side again." "I love you too." You clinched more on him and buried you nose in his chest. "But I need to go to the Summer Court for a week." "Oh no you will stay here or I will come with you. I don't care what Tarquin says. You will never leave into another court without me again." "I think I can talk to Tarquin so that you can come with me but now I just want to lay in your arms."

"Oh that will be no problem nobody will ever separate me from you ever again" He gave me a quick kiss on the lips before we keept on cuddling. With Elain wonderfully faraway in the Spring Court.

------

Tags:

@judig92 ; @issybee0611 ; @percyjacksonspeen ; @positivewitch

[duskcowboy]

“Azriel only thinks of Elain as his mother”…

Whew I have seen this argument floating around this app for some time (along with claims that the comparison makes Elriel “incestuous” and “weird”), but never worked up the energy to address it. But I recently saw @nikethestatue tackling this topic with an anon and decided I’d also elaborate with my opinion as well.

1. Love is a learned behavior

First and foremost, I don’t think many people recognize that love is a learned behavior. Take this excerpt from “A "Dynamic Interaction": Leo Buscaglia on Why Love is a Learned Behavior” by Maria Popova:

“And yet, for all our poetic contemplation, psycho-scientific dissection, and anthropological exploration of [love], we greatly underestimate the extent to which this baseline capacity— much like those for language, motion, and creativity — is a dynamic ability to be mastered and cultivated rather than a static state to be passively beheld.”

And just like any learned behavior, our basic outline is heavily influenced by our parents. That’s why there’s a common phenomenon of people’s significant others resembling their own parent—both in likeness, and/or their behavior.

Therefore, it is not “weird” or “incestuous” to make comparisons between a love interest and one’s parent. Even with that said, I don’t think it’s even an applicable issue in the case of Azriel, his mother, and Elain because…

2. They aren’t comparing Elain’s likeness to Azriel’s mom, they are comparing her treatment

If a child grew up seeing their mom mistreated by their dad, typically there’s two outcomes: 1) they also display abusive behavior because they learned from watching their father, or 2) they go the complete opposite direction, becoming repulsed by violence or mistreatment because they empathized with their mother.

Here is the excerpt from acofas:

“Let’s just say it hit close to home.”

“There are some scars when it comes to how his mother was treated. Many scars”

Again, the comparison isn’t even saying Elain is like Azriel’s mom, it’s saying he recognized the same treatment his mother received and doesn’t want that for Elain. He internalized the negative emotions he felt witnessing his mother’s treatment and, in turn, acts to not do the same to the woman he cares about.

3. Azriel displayed an unusual behavior, which highlights his awareness and feelings towards Elain

The passage from acofas made it obvious that the IC does not typically wait for everyone to be seated to eat, including Az. That’s why Mor and Cass are so surprised by Az’s actions—

Mor “gaped”. Cassian “gawked”. Therefore, we conclude Az went out of his way to give Elain special treatment.

In this instance, Az was so aware of Elain that he ensured she was not neglected. You do that for someone you care about. Even if you choose to believe this scene is not romantic, you have to acknowledge that it showcases how Azriel cares for Elain, and how he pays close attention to her and her feelings.

4. Rhys’s perspective can be taken with a grain of salt

This was one of the main points made by @nikethestatue, and I wholeheartedly agree. Please check out these two posts to see their full explanation, but one of the biggest points is this—

Rhys was gone for 50 years, and while he knows a lot about his IC, he doesn’t know everything. Case in point being that he didn’t know the real reason why Mor didn’t reciprocate Az’s feelings all those years. He told Feyre one thing, but she later learns the truth from Mor, herself.

In the dining scene, Rhys informs Feyre on Az probably being reminded of how his mom was mistreated and doesn’t want the same for Elain (which is the truth), but what he’s missing is the underlying feelings Az has for Elain. As Rhys said himself, Az is the most closed off and hard to read, and with his strong feelings towards mating bonds, it’s not hard to imagine he’s not picking up on Az’s romantic feelings (hence the “he’s not the ravishing type” comment that we now know is not entirely accurate).

With all that in mind, interpreting this scene as romantic is not a “manipulation of the text”. If anything, claiming that this dialogue says Azriel thinks of Elain as his mom, and therefore makes Elriel “incestuous” is more of a manipulation.

And lastly, this is the type of scene where we as readers “read between the lines” and indulge in guessing underlying meanings. Why are people expecting an outside character to blatantly confirm two characters are interested in each other romantically? Charged glances, secrets that are his to tell, staring out of windows to glance at the garden, waiting for Elain to sit to eat, “offer and permission”—these are all breadcrumbs leading readers to see romance between Azriel and Elain.

[courtofwingsandruin]

I’m so mad at the ACOTAR fandom right now and how they’re dealing with Azriel’s chapter.

Warning: under the cut is just me going off for way too long about Azriel and his extra chapter.

Azriel is a huge comfort character for me, and before I could get my hands on the actual extra chapter I saw tons of posts talking about how gross and OOC he was and the disgusting things he was saying about Elain.

I literally laid in bed crying over it because it hurt to think that this character I had invested so much into, that I had been desperate to hear more about, would be that horrible.

And then I read it and...It’s not that bad? Yeah, he speaks of her sexually and is turned on by her. Sure. But she’s also turned on by him in that moment? She’s wanting him just as badly? He can clearly see that she does, we can clearly see that she does. I haven’t read ACOSF, so I may be wrong, but as far as I know she hasn’t accepted the mating bond yet and has shown no sign of planning to do so. She hasn’t shown any sign of wanting to be Lucien’s mate, but she’s shown a very obvious sign in this chapter about liking Azriel and wanting him.

I didn’t like the whole “Rhys and Cass got their Archeron sisters, why don’t I have one?” thing either, because it does feel like he’s just projecting his loneliness onto Elain and assuming that the Cauldron was wrong because of a kind of dumb theory he has. But I didn’t really feel like he was calling himself entitled to her. If she did not want him, he would be acting completely different. But she is showing that she wants him, is interested in him, and isn’t showing any signs of being interested in Lucien (as far as I understand, correct me if I’m wrong). So yes, it was a weird and stupid thing for him to say, but I don’t think he’s thinking “She should be mine because of this one little crazy thing I noticed.” He’s saying “The Cauldron and the Fates have been wrong about mates in the past and I’m just thinking maybe it was wrong about Lucien and Elain because they don’t have chemistry and we do AND because of this one little crazy thing I noticed.” He just didn’t state it that way.

(Also, quick note: Azriel says he can defeat Lucien out of arrogance, yeah, but also remember that he didn’t do so just unprompted. Rhys was the one to be like “he could challenge you to this duel BS” and Az, who probably only has confidence in his powers and nothing else about himself, says back, “I would win” because...tbh I’d probably say that too if my brother was like “You want this girl but she bElOnGs to another man so he can fight you for her.”)

The line that stuck with me the most was this: “But she’d gotten Azriel one last year—a headache powder he kept on his nightstand at the House of Wind. Not to use, but just to look at. Which he’d done every night he’d slept there.” I think it’s super important to read between the lines in chapters from the POV with characters like Azriel. He’s going to be a lot more open and upfront about his sexual desires than his romantic desires, even with himself, after spending so many years of pining after Mor for it to never happen. With how he has always been the one to try to stay stoned face and keep his personal feelings hidden. We see this with how, when Rhys brings up Mor, Azriel ignores it outright—and thus ignores his feelings. And I feel we also saw it with Gwyn and how he isn’t truly sure what he’s feeling towards her, which is the only reason we actually get a genuine view of those feelings towards the end of the extra chapter.

That quote kind of showed an inner working of his head that we aren’t seeing yet. He clearly isn’t only having sexual thoughts—he stares at this powder and probably thinks about a lot of damn things regarding Elain, not just regarding the bond and the sexual desires. Don’t forget that he’s been one of the few people to be her friend—sitting with her and listening to her and hanging out in the gardens with her in the previous books. His feelings are not only sexual. He’s just not showing us everything because this is only, what, 9 pages from him? We aren’t going to see every little thing he is feeling.

I believe, wholeheartedly, that the next book will be about Elain and Azriel. SJM has set up too much for them both for it to not be. For it to be about Elain and Azriel—unless she pulls a trick on us and has it focus solely on their individual development rather than their relationships, which is possible but I can’t see happening—this would mean that the two of them end up together (1 relationship per book, guys).

I’m not gonna go into Gwyn, because I don’t know much about her yet, and I don’t want to hit you guys with false information. But I feel like Azriel and Elain both have a lot of development to go through and Gwyn will be there with them, but I don’t really know if she is going to be a genuine love interest, or just someone who helps Azriel open up and be better—a good, true friend that he can count on.

The one thing I will say is that Elain and Mor have the parallel of making Azriel’s shadows disappear, or hide away—and Azriel definitely had romantic feelings for Mor. And Gwyn has a completely different effect on Azriel’s shadows. Whether this is a mating bond, or something else about Gwyn we have yet to find out, I don’t know. But I feel it’s definitely important to remember the similarities between how his shadows react to Elain and how they react to Mor versus how they react to Gwyn.

If you actually stuck around for all of this, thank you. I’m gonna go cry into my pillow now over how desperately I need ACOSF so I can focus on Nesta and Cassian and not all of this bull with Azriel and Elain and Lucien and Gwyn.

[bookofmirth]

I know we know little of what Elain actually feels for Azriel, but all I know is that it isn’t love like so many are saying.

This girl returned the necklace within a night and held onto an iron ring after being turned away and told to give it back by someone she loved, even wore it watching Greyson leave at the end of ACOWAR. If she felt more than like towards Azriel she would’ve held onto it even if she thought she misread his intention.

Holding onto something from someone she loves or even wants to fight for, isn’t something she would stop doing regardless of what had happened to her with Greyson.

I won’t count truthteller, that’s Az’s, I personally think it would be weird if she didn’t return something he lended. What I did gather from her returning truthteller, was that she said she never wanted to be in battle again and it clearly isn’t the life for her, which is respectable.

This is such a good point!

What we do know of Elain is that she kept her engagement ring, even after Graysen was a horrible bastard to her. Meanwhile she gives Az's gift back to him after a little "this was a mistake". It just... wasn't that deep, y'all.

Holding onto something from someone she loves or even wants to fight for, isn’t something she would stop doing regardless of what had happened to her with Greyson.

I agree with this. I think Elain is the kind of person who will absolutely fight for the people she cares about, she just does it in different ways than people expect. She killed Hybern for Nesta, and Elain abhors violence. She held out hope for Graysen for so long, despite being fae.

When Elain truly cares for someone, we know how she acts. She hasn't acted that way with Az. In fact, she's done the opposite. Remember when he was dying in acowar, after having saved her? She gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked off. Mate behavior what???

[nikethestatue]

Forbidden

Elriel Month - Day 4, Forbidden

Pining, a little bit fluffy, a little bit angsty and plenty of Nyx if you like him

The weather was miserable, and Azriel was miserable as well.

After finishing his work at his office in the city, he would’ve typically walked, but the freezing sleet that bombarded his wings didn’t inspire walking. His mood only worsened the moment he stepped out of the building, and he found himself hating everything. Hating himself, for being a coward, hating Rhys, hating the completely innocent Cassian and Nesta, who were absolutely gracious towards him, and allowed him to remain living in, what was technically, their house now. He rose swiftly in the air, flying towards the red stone monstrosity that was carved into the mountain, while the cold rain pelted his already-freezing wings. Everything was freezing. He could’ve thrown a shield over himself, like a smart male, but he wasn’t being very smart lately. He just didn’t fucking care.

Petulant and morose, he wondered for a millionth time when and why everything went wrong for him? Why was it that the thing he loved and relished the most in his life—his family—were now the cause of his greatest despair? How could his brother, the brother who gave him his new life, who cared for and protected him, who did not judge him and gave him the opportunity to live the life Azriel wanted, who paid him generously and allowed him the freedom to operate as he saw fit—how did this brother suddenly became the impediment to Azriel’s happiness? The brother that Azriel loved and admired now outright forbade Azriel’s happiness. And over what? The ginger princeling that Azriel didn’t care for at all…as he didn’t care for the entire family. He had to sacrifice his happiness to please a Vanserra! The mere thought of it enraged him so intensely, he almost crashed into a roof. As he banked to avoid the green tiles slick with rain, he wondered if Lucien would act as honorably if the roles were reversed? Would he maintain his composure like Azriel always tried to do in Lucien’s presence? Would he fly him in his arms? (Truly, a rather horrifying memory, if Azriel had to admit. Carrying fucking Lucien Vanserra in his arms, like a babe. Like he’d carry Elain. Or even Feyre. He was forced to cradle Lucien!). Would he avoid Elain?

Elain.

Azriel wanted Elain. He always wanted her—wanted her giggly laugh, the sparkle of her caramel eyes, the flip of the braid, the surprisingly firm touch of her calloused fingers, the scent of her, the rosy blush of her cheeks. Even though he was forbidden from courting her, or pursuing her in any fashion, they still came together at family gatherings and Azriel learned of her sharp, sometimes brutal sense of humour, of her inquisitiveness, and of things that surprised him. She let it slip that she wanted to travel, wanted to see the world, the continent, all the Courts. Wanted to eat exotic foods and go to museums and botanic gardens and drink coffee in small cafes. She told him that she dreamed of going to the beach and lazing around in the white sand.

Fuck it.

Tonight, he wanted Elain. He wanted to see her with a desperation that almost hurt his bones. Even if for a few moments. Maybe just at dinnertime, under Rhys’s annoying scrutiny, but he could do it. For her, he could do it. Forbidden or not.

So, he made a sharp turn and flew away from the House of Wind, toward the River Estate. The rain was now relentless and even in his sour mood, he had the presence of mind to finally shield himself, though it did little to dispel his gloomy thoughts.

The house wasn’t warded against his entry—he still had a bedroom and an office in there, though he used it very infrequently now. Shaking off the water that was sluicing off his wings as much as he could, he opened the door and entered.

A roar greeted him. A despondent, angry, colossal roar that came from the pudgy baby that currently wheeled into the foyer in his wooden walker. Nyx was screaming like he was being gutted. His perfectly round face was wet with tears, scrunched up and so red, that Azriel feared that his nephew might be having a conniption.

“Hello?” Azriel called out, as he removed his sodden jacket, and then considered, and removed his boots, so not to drag the water and mud across the marble floor.

Nyx was still screaming angrily, looking at Azriel with a weird challenge in his blue eyes.

Shaking his head, Azriel muttered, “What is going on with you?” and then sent a coil of fluffy shadow towards Nyx. Usually, it was enough to placate the baby and allowed for a moment of reprieve. Nyx, however, watched the shadow with disgust, and as soon as it approached him, he swapped at it with his fat hand, trying to slap it away. The shadow attempted a little jump, eager to play with him, but it only caused a further scream of outrage, as Nyx lunged at it with ferocious hatred, swatting it away, until Azriel pulled all the shadows back, so not to aggravate the situation further. Nyx’s soft baby wings were tangled behind his back, since he kept flaring them in his rage, and then unsuccessfully snapping them back, so Azriel squatted in front of him and began to gently dislodge and straighten them, while Nyx wailed and squirmed in the walker. “What are you, possessed?” muttered Azriel and pulled Nyx out of the walker, and was immediately rewarded with an even louder scream, as snot and drool flew everywhere.

“Azriel!”

There she was.

Everything stopped. Azriel no longer heard Nyx’s grunting and angry squeals, as he held him and stroked his head, gently smoothing down the silky black hair.

He’d never seen Elain so…frazzled. And so beautiful. So…human.

The girl he loved was always put together, even when gardening, in her floppy hat and dungarees, she looked picture perfect. In the kitchen, in her colourful aprons that she bought from one specific shop, she was pretty and pristine. But standing in front of him right now, this was the most lovely Elain that he’d ever seen. Cauldron boil him, but Elain was wearing black…tights? Hose? He didn’t know what they were, and even if he did, he probably couldn’t form a coherent thought in his mind, because he’d never seen Elain quite so…exposed. Those long, slender legs were clad in skin-tight black tights, and there was no escaping the shape of her body, of her lean thighs, of her lovely bare feet and her manicured toes. But what jolted him even more was that she was wearing HIS shirt. One of those shirts that he wore around the house, sparred in, and generally discarded into the laundry hamper when he was done with his exercises. His mind reeled. She was wearing HIS shirt. Why? Gods above, this was the most delicious sight to ever grace his eyes.

Azriel has had many women in his life. Too many females to count. He’s even been with human women, those who dared, and wanted a bit of their own winged Fae experience. He’d seen them naked and prone, had seen them flushed with climaxes, screaming louder than Nyx was currently doing. He’d felt, tasted, touched and filled bodies of every colour and shape. Yet nothing prepared him for the barefoot Elain in her black tights and his shirt. Nothing.

Where was Rhys, for gods’ sake? Where was Feyre? The twins? Servants? Why was he left standing here, with the most desirable and gloriously attired female, all alone? His wings flared involuntarily, his body wanting, yearning for her. Wanting all of her. All of this. Everything that was forbidden to him.

Her braid was loose, honey-coloured strands escaping wantonly and spilling over her shoulder, framing her pale, rosy cheeks.

“Az, you are here!” she exclaimed, eyes widening with what he could only mark as excitement. Maybe even pleasure.

“Good evening,” he tried to sound normal, though his voice felt deep and hoarse and suddenly dropped a couple of octaves. “What is,”

“He lost Brute!” she cried in desperation. “I’ve been looking for fifteen minutes, and I can’t find it! Please,”

“Got it,” he said, tucking Nyx under his arm, like a sack of potatoes.

This was dangerous ground.

 Following their unnecessarily lavish mating ceremony, Cassian and Nesta went on their honeymoon. In Illyria. When Azriel found out, he gagged. Cassian laughed. “You can’t take her somewhere better?” Azriel wondered, shaking his head. “Anywhere is better. The fucking Spring Court is better!” Cassian slapped his shoulder and argued, “Pretty, but deadly. At least to me. I’ll kick the bucket if I spend more than 15 minutes in Spring Court and Nesta will have to bring my dead body back here.” Azriel shrugged, “Might be worth it, if she avoids going to Illyria”. “You are too harsh, brother,” was all Cassian said, though Az felt like he wasn’t harsh enough. Nevertheless, Nesta and Cassian went to Illyria and to everyone’s shock, Nesta loved it! She loved the open spaces, the rugged, wild terrain, the forests and the picturesque lakes. She liked Cassian’s secluded bungalow, which he built himself—actually, the three brothers built it together, back in the day.

One day, there was a country fair celebrating some Illyrian war hero, and Cassian made a date of it. It was a surprise for Nesta, who’d never been to one, and they spent the day wandering from attraction to attraction, eating too much fried food, riding rollercoasters, which made Nesta scream until she was hoarse, and playing games. There was a shooting competition, and Cassian insisted on participating, though he wasn’t an ace with a bow and arrow, but he figured that he was still better than the average Illyrian. He wanted to show off in front of Nesta. Turned out, the average Illyrian was in fact better than the Commander General of the Armies of the Night Court, and Cassian came in third. Third. The prize was a small stuffed bat. Shamefaced, Cassian presented Nesta with the bat, promising to do better next time. So, so much better! Nesta named the bat Brute—after her mate—and upon their return from the honeymoon, she gave the toy to Nyx. And Nyx became obsessed. Brute and Nyx were inseparable and especially after Nyx began teething, leathery Brute came very handy, as Nyx chewed and gnawed on it mercilessly.

Azriel sent his shadows to search for Brute throughout the house, while he went room to room, looking in all the places that Nyx frequented in his walker. Nyx was only nine months old, but he already managed to say a few odd words. There was ‘ma’, “Lana”—which stood for Elain, “no”, and “Boot” or “Oot” or “Boo” which all referred to Brute. Nothing for Rhys yet, much to Rhys’s chagrin. Az got “Ath”, with a lisp. And of course, everyone’s favorite – “ass” for Cass.

“I already looked there,” said Elain, as she dove under an armchair, her tight little bum up in the air, while Azriel was cursing inwardly, unable to tear his eyes off the sight, disregarding Nyx’s slobbering over his arm. Nyx was getting tired of screaming—finally—so he was mostly hiccupping, sniffling and rubbing his eyes with his chubby first.

“I think I got it!” cried Azriel, once the shadows informed him that Brute has been located. He rushed up the stairs, taking three at a time, with Nyx bouncing under his arm and finally found the toy entangled in Nyx’s blanket. The first place Azriel should’ve looked. Both he and Elain were clearly off their game.

Nyx squealed with delight once Brute was safely in his hands and latched on to it with his aching gums. Tears were forgotten. Azriel lightly kissed the top of the baby’s head and then went downstairs.

Elain was awaiting them in the foyer and seeing the placated Nyx, she also gasped with delight, clapping lightly and then…she rushed and kissed Azriel’s cheek.

“Thank you,” she murmured, and he just stared at her, a smile on his lips.

“High praise for finding a toy,” he said at last, but Elain only grabbed his hand and threaded her fingers with his.

“No one is home?” he asked softly, and she gave him a knowing look, shaking her head. His thumb gently rubbed her fingers, as they walked to the kitchen.

“You will stay for dinner,” she said. More of an order.

“Yes.”

“We have to feed him,” she nodded towards Nyx.

Without releasing the baby, Azriel rolled up his sleeves and set to work. He washed Nyx’s wet, sticky face first, took out a fresh bib, which was immediately greeted with ‘no bip!”. “Yes, bib,” insisted Azriel, trying to tie it, while Nyx struggled and attempted to tear it off. Elain chuckled under her breath, watching the battle.

“He is like the Attor today!” groaned Azriel, as he finally succeeded in tying the bib, “is this how he always is? His parents need to discipline their damn kid better.”

She laughed.

“Where are they anyway?”

“The opera,” she explained.

Nothing gave Elain more pleasure than experiencing these stolen moments with Azriel.

A few months back, Rhysand, in no uncertain terms explained to her that at this point, a relationship between her and Azriel would be politically disadvantageous and therefore, ill-advised. The silver-tongued High Lord made his arguments clear, but with that irresistible firm gentleness that he employed on everyone, when he wanted something. Elain nodded, a neutral expression plastered on her face, while her heart shuttered, and something cracked in her chest. Whatever Rhysand was saying, the order was clear—she was forbidden from seeking Azriel out.

The ache…the ache inside of her only grew since then. It wasn’t an ache of sadness or despair, for deep down, Elain was absolutely sure that Azriel would find a way. He always did. And she trusted him unconditionally, knowing that nothing would stop him in his pursuit of her. Forbidden or not, they both craved each other with a wild, inexplicable hunger, and Azriel would find a way to circumvent all the restrictions that were placed on them. However, the knowledge did nothing to ease the desire that constantly coursed through her. Seeing him was a most delicious torment, a sweet, lacerating pain that never went away. When she awoke in the morning, she thought of Azriel, and when she went to bed at night, he was her last thought of the day. It was always Azriel.

He sat Nyx in his highchair.

“Are they coming back tonight?” he asked, without looking at her.

She turned away, and busied herself with Nyx’s dinner, mashing a carrot and a turnip together with a fork, mixing in a bit of cream, to make her nephew’s favorite dish.

“They are staying at the Grand Velaris Hotel for the night,” she said quietly. “Feyre just notified me. Rhys wanted to make…a night of it.”

Azriel couldn’t stop himself. Didn’t want to stop himself. Elain froze, when she felt him behind her, his enormous looming presence like a coiled string of pure strength and power. His beautiful scarred hand gently wrapped over hers, and they pressed the fork into the vegetables together, neither paying any attention to what they were doing. His breath was warm on the back of her head—actually the top of her head—for he had to crane his neck to lay his cheek against her own, while his other hand wrapped around her hip.

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured, lips brushing over her ear, just short of kissing.

Absently, she dragged her fingers over the huge scarred hand that rested on her hip, her breath stalling in her chest. She became unbearably hot, heart beating so fast that she was sure that he could hear it.

“Will you stay?”

“Yes.”

His muscle-corded golden-brown arm tugged her closer, and she leaned into him, forgetting everything at once, only aware of this beautiful warrior behind her, as his powerful chest rose and fell against her back.

“Baby, I,” he began, and stopped abruptly, as if fearing that he’d made a mistake.

Baby.

‘Baby’ destroyed her.

She was never ‘baby’ to him before.

She was ‘Elain’ to him, in front of others. Once in a while, usually in Cassian’s presence, it was ‘Ellie’. More of a Cassian thing, but Azriel slipped occasionally and called her that as well. When they were completely alone, however infrequently, he let himself address her as ‘Lainey’. She loved ‘Lainey’. But he never uttered something so endearing as ‘baby’.

She turned around and looked up at him, caged comfortably within those massive arms, his golden-hazel eyes soft and loving. This look Azriel reserved for her alone. In his 539 years, no one, but Elain Archeron was privy to seeing him like this. He was undone. Ruined by this delicate woman who held his heart in her hand, as it burned with ever-present flame for her.

“Lana!” yelled Nyx, reminding them of his presence.

Azriel smirked and shook his head. She grinned and then cupped his face in her palm, as he began kissing her fingers, his hands resting on the counter behind her. For the first time, her plump, delicate breasts pushed into his chest, the material of his shirt providing bare minimum of a barrier, and he loved it, because she loved it. She loved it when he gingerly moved her breasts against his chest, and she pressed them closer into him, a silent invitation for more. More skin, more touch, more breath, more kisses, more of everything. Elain wanted everything. Elain wanted Azriel.

“Baby,” he began again, kissing the inside of her palm, “I like your shirt.”

Her brown eyes sparkled mischievously, and she looked down between their bodies, where they touched and fit together with strange, inexplicable precision, as if carved from the same flesh.

“I like this shirt too,” she assured him.

“I think you should wear it more, my beauty,” he suggested, his soft lips trailing from her wrist, up her forearm. “In fact, I think that you should wear my clothes as frequently as possible.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” she admitted, and lightly kissed his chin. Yes, she had to rise on her toes to reach it, but that stunning jawline of his was too irresistible for her to ignore any longer. She kissed the subtly scratchy chin again, and again, and then moved slowly, dragging her lips towards his ear. He tensed against her, his arms pushing against her shoulders, his wings flaring lightly behind him, cocooning the two of them in the velvety darkness.

“But,” she finally wrapped her arms around his neck, stretching her body against his, feeling every bit of him. “I was thinking maybe no clothes at all would be nice as well.”

“I couldn’t disagree,” he winked at her.

“Ath!” insistent drumming pulled them out of their mutual reverie. “Lana!”

“We have to be responsible adults,” she sighed, while Azriel kissed the tip of her nose. “And feed our child.”

“You feed our wayward child,” he decided, “and I will cook dinner.”

“You might very well be the perfect man!” she laughed.

“I might be,” he shrugged nonchalantly, kissing the top of her head and releasing her from his embrace at once.

Forbidden or not, this was going to be a very nice evening.

A very nice evening indeed.

[gwyns]

As much as I’m rooting for Gwynriel I have a feeling that Azriel is going to be a weirdo in a relationship 😭 Mor said he’s had other lovers but keeps them hidden and I’m wondering how he will even approach a potential mating bond with Gwyn? I’m expecting him to be very awkward and fucking things up and just not knowing how to act! I wonder what he even thinks a healthy relationship is because he sure hasn’t ever been in one I think

this is a very good point. azriel has almost no reference for what an actual, healthy romantic relationship is. i mean sure he sees how feysand and nessian interact but he's never been in a serious relationship himself, he doesn't understand the work and dedication it takes to maintain it and make it work. so i definitely think a big part of his arc will have him unlearning what he thought he knew and have him learn what love really is.

the aspect of their potential mating bond is so interesting to me bc sjm made it clear that's something az wants very much in his chapter. he feels as if the universe has deemed him unworthy of such a bond, of something he's so desperate for bc all his life he's dealt with loneliness and being told he wasn't worth anything. so now that the cauldron has seen it fit to gift his brothers but not him with mates, that has to weigh deeply on him. i truly think his chapter was there to show us how low he is mentally.

i've said it before but i don't think it'd be weird if azriel didn't even know he had a bond with someone until much later, or even after he's explicitly told it bc he's been waiting for it to snap with mor for so long and now he has all these possessive feelings towards elain on top of his long struggle with his self worth, he's definitely a mess at the moment lmao

i think it'll be a long road (for both of them) but i do think he can come to understand what relationships are all about. he just needs to learn the difference between lust and deeper feelings and realize that yes he is worthy of a deep connection with someone. i don't want gwyn to do all the emotional work for him, absolutely not, but i think she'd be a good partner for him, helping him along the way if he needs it. and she'd be someone az could see himself striving to better himself for.

i just really want a gwynriel novel

[wisteriabookss]

My ACOSF Review (2/5 Stars)

Please respect my opinions. Not everything I say will be praiseful or nice. While I liked a lot of this book, a lot of it frustrated and bothered me. 

This review contains spoilers. Read at your own risk. 

This review will be more of an overall impression, and I will get more in depth about certain characters in future posts. 

I eventually got into the plot of the book, but I don’t think it was as great or creative as it could’ve been. I feel like SJM recycled ideas she’s already used to create the storyline. A quest to find a magic object that can stop a war and save the world? That sentence applies to both ACOWAR and ACOSF. It’s even more disappointing when you know there were other routes the plot could’ve taken but were eventually scratched. It was the perfect set up for an Illyrian mountain setting, it was written in canon, and, unsurprisingly, SJM retconned and changed it. 

The Valkyrie plot was cool, if a bit forced and out of place. Nesta barely starts training, and all of a sudden she wants to recreate a powerful band of female warriors that we’ve never heard of in the context of this world? Honestly, it feels like SJM watched Thor: Ragnarok, and was like, “Yes, that’s what I’m gonna do.” I thought Helions winged horses would come into play with that, but I guess we’ll have to see.

I thought the Blood Rite plot was gone, but we got it in the end, even though it was rushed. The most beautiful parts of the book happened during the Rite, so I’m glad we got to see those.

The ending of Briallyn was so swift I literally had to go back a page to make sure I read it right. Literally one page, and she’s killed. I expected more. I can’t say I'm surprised by how rushed her death was when I knew the Feysand trouble was approaching, and the number of pages left was getting smaller. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that SJM would save Rhys, Feyre, and their baby. Out of the entire ensemble in Kingdom of Ash, she only had the heart to kill Gavriel, who wasn’t too much of a main character. There was no way in hell she would do that to Feysand. 

I’m sorry, but I do not like the name Nyx. Imagine calling someone Nyx? Did she originally have it as Nick, but just needed to put an X? My eyes were rolling so hard when I read it. Just put an ‘O’ in front of it and end our misery, though I still would’ve rolled my eyes at that name too. The name just reminds me of all the blogger moms who put X’s in their child’s names for dramatic effect that ends up looking like they can’t spell.

I also didn’t appreciate the out of touch colloquialisms in this book either. Prythian doesn’t have a name for anxiety, depression, or PTSD, but they know what lactic acid means?

The amount of sex in this book was something we had been warned to expect, and I think due to the fastness of me reading this book (finished in two sittings), it made it feel like the sex was happening every other page, which it basically was. I’m not going to be mad though because a) it was well written, b) I didn’t feel like it harmed the plot too much, and c) this is the only Nessian smut we’re going to see in canon. But that threesome line with Az. . . y'all know which one I’m talking about. . . the one with the details about certain positions. . .  chile um anyways let’s move on. 

I called it months ago that Emerie would either be Mor or Azriel’s love interest, and looks like it’s going to be Mor. SJM’s writing is fairly predictable, especially when it comes to romantic ships, and she couldn’t have been more obvious about the two of them. I will write about Gwyn and Azriel in Azriel’s chapter review (cause that monstrosity needs a post of its own).

Now about Nesta’s healing arc. Some of it was satisfying and others were saddening. I’m happy that Nesta was able to find purpose in her life, and not believe herself to be worthless or pathetic, but strong and powerful. I’m happy she found Gwynn and Emerie; I love their friendship. I love how they stuck by each other no matter what, and saw the good and potential in one another.

However, even by the end of the book, Nesta still thinks herself as undeserving. Of Cassian, of love. She knows she has it, and she's so grateful for it, but she still believes she is undeserving of it, that Cassian is just so much better than her. A part of learning to love and live with yourself is knowing what you deserve, so why SJM took that from her character, I don’t know. I was continuously disappointed when said she was undeserving of anything, even after she had learned and grown from her mistakes. 

Maybe SJM thinks the belief of being undeserving of one's partner is romantic. I’m telling you now, it’s not. All that does is give unnecessary power to a person you believe you are undeserving of, and this leads to unequal power dynamics in a relationship. Rhys was the exact same with Feyre, so I’m guessing it's a theme.

Speaking of romantic themes, the repetition of the “your mine-im yours” line in this book was nauseating. Your going to make Nesta say the exact same thing her sister said when they had sex? Is there nothing else SJM could’ve come up with? It’s just so weird. And I swear to god if I see Elain do the same thing I’m gonna vomit. 

Nesta apologized to Cassian about what she said to him on Solstice in ACOFAS as if he never called her unlovable. As if he never said he didn’t understand why her sisters love her. He never apologized for that. There was so much apologizing from Nesta to Cassian about her calling him a brute, as if Cassian didn’t say he was “shackled” to her after she clearly explained how she feared she would lose her humanity if she accepted the word mate. Not if she accepted him, but the word. 

For Cassian to routinely tell Nesta to, “shut her fucking mouth,” when she used some attitude against Rhys was comical. Rhys has been bad mouthing and disrespecting Nesta this whole time, and when she shows some warranted attitude in return (not even an insult), Cassian rips into her. It doesn’t matter what he did for you, babe. Not everyone has the same experience with Rhys, so Cassian getting angry when Nesta showing anger at the way she was being treated was wrong. Her experience with him does not become invalidated just because Cassian has a good relationship with him.

There wasn’t a character arc for Cassian, which was one of the most disappointing parts of the book. He thinks of himself as inferior and undeserving as well, and by the end of the book it’s not even clear if that stance has changed. We saw him grow into the courtier persona in the meeting with Eris when Tamlin shows up, but we never see it again. I know there were instances in which he stood up for Nesta, but he also very quicky after that became silent in other moments when they were insulting her. The next book isn’t in his pov, but I’m hoping we see him become more confident in himself and make a firmer stance to protect Nesta (although I doubt he’ll need to seeing as how Rhys kisses the ground she walks on now).

Now onto Nesta’s apologies to the IC. I think Nesta apologizing to Feyre was expected, and I’m glad the sisters had that moment. I am, however, upset that there was never a moment where all the sisters sat down, and hashed it out. Talked about what they’d been through, how it affected them, and how it affected their feelings toward each other. After everything that happened between Nesta and Elain, all that hurt, you’re telling me all it took was Nesta to make Elain laugh by saying “fuck you,” and we’re good? It’s lazy writing. 

Elain telling Nesta that she only cared about how her trauma affected her did not sit right with me. Nesta sat by Elain’s side for weeks when she was in the thick of her struggles, and refused to leave her alone for fear that her struggles would eat her up alive. She constantly looked for anything that could help her sister, and never left her unprotected. Nesta and Elain didn’t communicate after the war, for reasons that we now know was because of Nesta’s guilt for Elain being kidnapped. It is not abnormal when a family member has been traumatized by things that have happened to another family member. That’s expected. Ask any family who has lost a child or had a relative go through something horrible.

Elain is acting as if Nesta has only ever been concerned with herself when she’s spent her entire life concerned with Elain. I made a post long ago about how the IC only wanted Nesta to heal for their sake rather than her sake, and there’s so much more evidence for that than for Elain. Elain’s healing process was able to be understood and encouraged by the IC, whereas they had no idea what to do with Nesta. So for Elain to come at Nesta for not caring about her trauma, a second after Nesta was trying to protect her from further trauma by telling her she didn't want her seering for the Trove, was unwarranted.

Speaking about Elain looking for the Trove, what happened there? Elain had this whole speech where she said she wanted to do something and no one could stop her and then we just. . . don’t hear anything about it again? SJM had a perfect opportunity to do something powerful with Elain there, and completely threw it away. 

Nesta’s apology to Amren was extreme, dramatic, and honestly, unnecessary. Amren called Nesta a “pathetic waste of life,” constantly demeaned and degraded her anytime her name was mentioned, and said she did all this because Nesta used her as a shield against her problems and the IC. Seriously? Nesta using Amren as a shield does not warrant that kind of verbal abuse. It doesn't make her a pathetic waste of life. Amren’s been alive for how long? And reacts like that to an obvious side effect of extreme trauma? No ma'am. Nesta getting on her damn knees was too much, and obviously just another moment, like a lot of moments, that SJM felt the need to make dramatic. And then having the audacity to let Amren say to Nesta that, “the struggle with the darkness is worth it,” when she was one of those people who contributed to that darkness is disgusting.

I didn’t like Rhys at all in this book. Even after he saw inside Nesta’s mind about her experience in the cauldron, he was still wary and rude with her. Literally anytime Nesta showed that she was changing, Rhys didn’t change anything about his attitude or behavior towards her. A moment of regret, and then he’s back to being arrogant ass Rhys. Him not telling Feyre about the baby was also extremely stupid. It’s her body, her life, her baby’s life, his life, and she had a right to know what was happening. Not telling her because you didn’t want her to be “upset,” is a dumb excuse. I thought you always promised to let her make her own decisions, Rhys? What happened to that promise? The one that was a hell of a lot better than the stupid bargain ya’ll made? Though Nesta told her out of anger, good on her for telling her sister. Should’ve happened way sooner. His apology to Nesta was the only one that warranted the dramatics. That is what you get on your knees for.

That whole scene about him becoming High King had me throwing the book. Amren telling Rhys that the swords were some sort of mother-mary-cauldron-blessed-hallelujah sign that he was supposed to be High King had me fuming. It’s Nesta’s power. It’s Nesta’s sword. That should have never been a discussion. Not everything is for Rhys. These people are so blinded by their love for him they can’t even see how arrogant he is. To write Nesta giving back Ataraxia made me so angry after we just had a whole moment where we find out it means inner peace. I just hope that all of this is not foreshadowing Rhys becoming High King. I know you love him Sarah, but please don’t.

All in all, this book wasn’t too bad. There were some great moments and some bad moments. I think SJM’s biggest issue in her writing is that she doesn’t outline, or at least doesn't seem to outline, not thoroughly. I feel like she uses plot devices willy nilly whenever it’s the easiest solution. There was never a moment where I said, “that was clever!” A lot of it was cool, but not clever. Not creative. She also has a tendency to write very dramatically, in staccato type sentences where everything is made into a big moment, which bugs me a lot. 

I love Nesta. She’s still my fav, and will probably always be my fav. This book doesn’t change that, and as you can tell in my review, most of the issues I had weren’t with her behavior, but with the behavior of other characters. I still love Cassian, even though he made me want to rip my hair out sometimes.

Will I read the next books? Probably. I can’t seem to stay away from these characters or these books, so kudos to SJM for writing them. I know a majority of people have given this book 4 or 5 stars, but I can’t bring myself to give it more than 2/5.

[nessiancalore]

Hello my children

I just finished the book and I want to talk about it, so -- obviously -- spoilers ahead.

First I want to talk about the fact that this writing was AMAZING for me.

I used to get the feeling that sjm had one type of writing with tog and another with acotar (tog being my fav and ccity I have to reread to get into a bigger understand) but this book OMG.

I'm not talking exactly about the way she did it (though I loved the small chapters) but the things she decided that were important.... We got so many good stories about the courts, history, THE ILLYANS history, that was fucking amazing.

The second thing: how she handled the girls. They found each other,they loved each other even not knowing what """" they've done"""", Gwyn, Emerie and Nes are EVERYTHING and YES their stories ARE worth telling.... Sarah made their growing really good, made them take their time and that last scene when they tell each other everything, I cried SO MUCH, it was really well done for me.

I'm gonna talk about nessian first, then Nesta.

Nessian... Their development, the fact that Sarah made them already know about the bond (BITCHES WE WERE RIGHT) but " not act upon it" and Cassian making mistakes (because that's how it works) and Nesta even when he did kinda "understanding" and the scene when she tells him everything they indeed found healing in each others arms.

And the sex... Guys..... THE FUCKING SEX... I knew it would be 😳😳, but I was NOT expecting both of them enjoying a little pain, saying stuff like " think of you. Of your cock." or “I love being so covered in your seed that it leaks out of me for ages afterward. I love feeling it slide down my thighs and knowing you left your mark in me.” THAT WAS BRUTAL.

Anyway... Nesta Archeon.

There were a lot of quotes and things that Nesta has said that made my heart cry, the thing about selling herself for food, the way Nesta said she hated herself and the thing with Thomas and her mother omg, Nesta deserves love.

She is definitely one of the best characters I've ever read. Her journey.... We've learned A LOT from her past (stuff that we've missed it because it has been Feyre's pov and feyre herself never knew), we have her dacing, her love for music (that music box, I cried), we have her confessing many times that -unfortunately- she pushed away "bc didn't want to hurt anyone "and then saying to herself stuff like "she would do it again" about Cassian... AND THE STEPS.

the fucking steps.

That was AMAZING to read. The ideal behind it...Nesta going and going and everything something went wrong she went again and through the book you can see the change of "I'm doing to get down there and drink " to "I'm doing to put myself together"... Personally it was an amazing way of showing that even though, idk, she fucked cassian, the fact that any priest had signed to train with her still bothered her and brought everything back, because that's how life works triggers and stuff.... And then Amren doesn't believe in her and she finally gets down, I honestly thought that she was going to the first tavern she would find but NO she goes to Amren and Feyre is there and Nesta does something that crushes her spirit.. And the "trip"... Him giving her the space until she finally says everything -- she feels totally comfortable around him to say it.. That scene made my heart so sad and worm omg.

The Valkyrie thing... Nesta is going to LEAD...SHE BASICALLY WON THAT FUCKING THING, SHE IS A POWERFUL AND BRAVE WARRIOR AND I'M SO HAPPY FOR HER THAT OMG... I loved it.. She found a purpose and when she talks about leading the priests and cassian is on board omg, she is a fucking general and well, in the next war they will be leading armies together...

Az and Nesta... I saw it coming, they are PERFECT...When she hugged him I felt hugged as well.

RHYSAND AND NESTA "HER BROTHER" that's all I'm going to say.

Feyre and Nesta.... nes's first I love you was towards her sister, she gave her power away for her sister, she loved feyre very much, that's it.

A little bit more of nessian now (lol)... The fact that in the entire book we have so many beautiful things being "thought" from both, and then she just says everything...That he is good and brave and she thinks she doesn't deserve him but we know that he was the one who thought that and the EVER OMG THE E V E R . (HE CRIED, I TOLD YOU GUYS HE WOULD).

And then... the talk about them being mates.

They both knew it, they both felted but she was afraid and he didn't wanted to pushed into her so he left and omg the struggle and then “Because my mate taught me well.” I SCREAMED... Nesta saying many times that from the moment they've met she couldn't stop thinking about him and it drove her insane and scared but we know it was kinda a of a "good scared" and if you think about it and look back, when feyre asked cassian "why do you bother" HE KNEW ALREADY and in the beginning of the book Nesta asks him the same thing and he just “Why did you stay at my side when we went up against the King of Hybern during that last battle?” DUDE THEY KNEW!!!!

And a cute fact that I cannot left unsaid: she also named his poses/faces :")

EMERIE AND MORRIGAN, I WANT IT, I NEED IT, WHERE, WHEN, PLEASE GIVE TO ME.

Eris... I hate him, he wanted to BUY Nesta and said those bullshits to Cass...But I pity him.

About Az pov I'm only going to say one thing: Elain does not love Lucien, she can barely stand him... I think Az may be in a bad place rn so that whole "the cauldron may have made a mistake" was really "Hey ho, hold up" (I'm nut exactly okay with how rhys handle it... He wasn't wrong I guess but idk, the scene felt weird)..

I haven't read the feysand scene :(

To summon: I loved the book, a lot of amazing things to say... I can say that the similarly with feysand in a particular scene made me go a little "it could have been different" but still a powerful scene after all and I don't think besides that I have actual complaings... Only that I wanted a scene where Cassian looked at Nessian's tattoo and talked about it.... And since we are mentioning him... He has the biggest wingspan... There's no way that a bigger cock exists :)

[thewayshedreamed]

This Time— Part 6

A Nessian Fan Fic

Fic Masterlist

This chapter offers some additional insight into Nesta’s thought process and sheds a little light on the ongoing process her emotional development has become. I hope it comes through!

This is somewhat of a “building” chapter so that we can get Nessian to the crest, so to speak. Part 7 is already written and only needs some editing, so it’s possible that I’ll be doing a double update today ☺️ They certainly have a lot to discuss, and once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. 😂 Anyway, enough of me. Enjoy!

Links to the previous parts:

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 ||

Warnings for grief related to the loss of a parent and some strong language.

——————————————————————————

Around 11:00 PM, Nesta decided she couldn’t be alone with her thoughts anymore. She was ruminating on similar memories and effectively raking herself over the coals. Although she knew any one of her friends would be there for her no matter the time of day, she picked up her phone to call the one she knew would most likely be awake at this hour.

“Hello?” Azriel’s raspy voice came through the phone.

“Were you asleep?! Since when do you go to bed early?” Her surprise was obvious by her tone. What the hell? He’s never in bed before midnight.

“Nes. Always a pleasure.” Azriel breathed a chuckle into the phone. “I usually wouldn’t be. I’m.. umm.. at a friend’s house tonight.”

Nesta gasped and dropped her voice. “Oh my gods. Az, were you on a date?! Am I interrupting?” She clapped her free hand over her forehead. “I’m the worst. I’m sorry.”

Another chuckle from Azriel. “You don’t have to whisper, you know. She can’t hear you. You’re not interrupting anything. I was asleep when you called, but I’m out on the couch now. What’s up?”

”If you were asleep, then that counts as interrupting! Are you sure?”

”Yes. Just, maybe the short version?” His tone was tentative, almost as if he felt guilty asking her to keep it concise at 11 PM. No one truly deserved Azriel as their friend.

“I can do that. So, here it is. I’ll save you the long, tedious trip through my brain.” She paused for half a second to take a breath. “I’m in love with Cassian.” She let out a quiet groan for effect.

”Mhmm...” The lilting of his voice implied that he was waiting for something like the punchline of a joke; the unknown part of her statement.

Her breath caught. “I kind of expected more of a reaction.”

”Did you? I thought there was more to it.” He seemed entirely neutral in that grating way of his.

”How did you know?!” She asked, incredulously.

”You told me.”

“Mm.. I don’t think so. When?” Now she was actually confused. Did she make some kind of drunken confession at Rita’s? She would remember having this revelation before now.

“At brunch. When we were driving home.”

”What are you talking about?!” Her voice was definitely higher pitched than it had been previously. She was anxious to hear his response, thinking he had surely dreamed this.

”Nesta. We were in my car, backing out of the parking lot. You asked me, ‘Why couldn’t we be the ones to fall in love?’ Or something along those lines. I thought that you were using some cryptic way of telling me because it implied two parties. Why do you think I hit the brakes so hard?” He seemed impatient, as if he was telling her the most obvious thing in the world.

“I thought maybe the question weirded you out! I didn’t even realize what I said, to be honest. How the actual fuck do you notice tiny things like that?” She didn’t wait on his response. He would know it was rhetorical. “Now my problem is this: I think he’s dating someone, so I’ve lost my chance.” She briefly told him what she had overheard the night of Elain’s birthday, her voice starting to crack toward the end.

”Hm. He hasn’t said anything to me about that, but I could see why he would wait being that you and I are close. But honestly, I don’t know that you could ever lose your chance with Cassian, Nes.”

She didn’t have anything to say to that. She simply sat there, playing with the corner of her throw blanket and hoping he would continue. He seemed to sense her discomfort and started talking again.

“I think you’ll regret it if you don’t talk to him. But, if I can offer my opinion, maybe wait a little while so that you know you’re absolutely sure this is what you want. I don’t know how he would handle it if you decided it’s not what you want.”

She felt herself prickle with defensiveness. “I wouldn’t do that to him, Az. Of course I’m sure. It only took me an eternity to figure this shit out.”

Azriel responded in a soothing tone he so often used with her. “I know. But remember, you’re not the one he talks to about you. I’m just looking out for my brother. Maybe let it marinate, yeah?”

She knew his intentions were pure, and she couldn’t really blame him for being protective. Before she could respond, she heard a feminine voice in the background ask: “Az, everything okay?”

She heard him pull the phone away from his face to answer. “Oh, yeah. All good. It’s Nesta.”

Delayed by her scattered brain and the copious amount of wine, the identity of the voice finally hit her full force.

”IS THAT ELAIN?!” She sat up straighter as if it would allow her to hear them more readily.

She heard Azriel laugh, followed by a shuffling on the other end.

“Hello? Nesta? Everything okay?” Nesta could hear the genuine concern in her voice.

“Hey, El. Everything’s fine! Sorry to crash your date. It seems we have quite a bit to talk about. Very soon.”

It took Elain a couple of seconds to respond, and Nesta could hear the smile in her voice. “Yeah. I think we do. Someone told me I should just talk to him. Turns out that they were right.” She paused, waiting for an “I told you so” from Nesta. She didn’t have the energy. “You know you can talk to me about Cassian, too, right?”

Nesta shut her eyes tightly and shook her head. “Of course. I’m sorry. I’ve been leaning on Az since our fight, and I honestly haven’t had the energy to bring it up beyond that. But I do want to talk to you. And Feyre. It’s just been...hard.”

“I can imagine. It’s hard to remember a time before you and Cass. It’s like the end of an era or something. Just know that we’re here.” Her voice was soft, laced with worry and a desire to help her older sister.

”Maybe for now,” Nesta teased, “but you may not have much time to chat these days.”

She knew she was blatantly deflecting, but El’s words had caused tears to prick her eyes yet again. It’s hard to remember a time before you and Cass. She realized how true it was, and what upset her the most was that she knew she didn’t want to know a time without Cassian.

The call wrapped up with more gentle teasing between the sisters, and eventually, embarrassing Azriel a bit over speakerphone. She told them she loved them and promised to keep them updated on how she was feeling. Her heart felt lighter once she finally ended the call, thanks to the laughter they managed to pull from her.

——————————————————————————

Christine Archeron’s death anniversary fell on a Tuesday that year, and Nesta awoke with a similar irritation as last year— death anniversaries should never fall on weekdays. She went through the familiar motions as any other morning, headed to work, and concentrated on her various tasks she was expected to juggle at any given time. As appearances went, it looked like any other ordinary day to those around her, so the extra heaviness remained hers alone to carry.

On her lunch break, she got a chance to pull her phone to check her messages and mindlessly scroll through social media. She had been focused on scrolling for so long that her phone took her by surprise when it vibrated in her hand. She tapped the notification by reflex and found herself studying the sender’s name as if it was some sort of mistake.

Cassian: Thinking about you today. I know it’s a rough one. Keep your head up. Christine would have it no other way ❤️

Nesta read the text several times in a row; just to make sure it was real. It had been so long since he’d contacted her intentionally, and it made her happy that he still thought to reach out today. It simultaneously made her a little sad; however, because it was yet another reminder of what she’d lost in him. That was an issue to deal with later.

Nesta: Of course you are, because you’re the perfect human, and I don’t deserve you. Thanks, Cass 💕 Means the world to me to hear from you. Mom really loved you, and I know she would appreciate you looking out for us.

She hesitated over the send button for several seconds before deciding to go through with it. It felt so weird to intentionally script any type of message to him being that they had spent most of their relationship entirely uncensored. Everything about it felt wrong— she couldn’t act natural with him because it wasn’t appropriate anymore, yet she didn’t feel right having to draft and redraft their communication. It was all so fucked, and she was tired of this odd limbo they stayed in.

She reflected on her conversation with Azriel and Elain on the night she had unintentionally crashed their date. She knew that they both held strong points about her situation and wouldn’t advise her to try to repair things if they knew it was a lost cause. She acknowledged that Azriel, specifically, knew more than he was at liberty to tell her. That being the case, she decided that was evidence in favor of hashing things out with Cassian. It wasn’t long before she was lost in her own thoughts, her food entirely forgotten.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to ensure I didn’t need anyone. I never wanted to depend heavily on another person in a way that I couldn’t manage on my own. But that’s not really the case anyway, right? I’ve managed fine these few weeks, but that’s the thing. I’ve managed. Why do I try to insist that’s enough for me?

But what if the door is closed? What if this was Cassian’s final push, and he’s gone? I don’t know Alis, and she could be wonderful. She probably appreciates the shit out of him and saw immediately that he’s not the average person. She probably knows how special he is. She probably beams anytime he enters a room and tries to take care of his heart in any way she can. She’s probably fucking delightful.

But does that really compete with history? I guess if that history is filled with turmoil, it could. She’ll never know the Cassian that was a freshman in high school— braces and curly hair, still a head taller than most of the other boys in class. She won’t remember how he hit his second growth spurt the summer after sophomore year, where he started to fill out and caught the attention of any girl with a pulse. She doesn’t know what it’s like when he’s truly angry with his dad and the world. She doesn’t know the full range of his eclectic music tastes or the guilty pleasures he sings depending on his mood. She didn’t do the leg work to reconcile the tough, intimidating exterior when he gets upset with the gentle soul beneath. There’s no way she knows when his humor and his laughter are distractions from his pain rather than when they’re genuine. She can’t love him like I do. Im-fucking-possible.

She was pulled abruptly out of her head, and incredible jealousy, by her alarm. It was time to go back to work and finish out the day, and she hoped it passed as quickly as possible. She silently chastised herself for piling this emotional time bomb on today of all days as she threw away her lunch and walked out of the break room.

So much for leaving this issue for later.

She resolved to put all of these thoughts back into their little box until she had the emotional energy to open the lid once again. Whenever the hell that would be.

——————————————————————————

The rest of the day zoomed by at a blissful pace, thank the gods. In fact, when Nesta glanced at the clock, she realized it was several minutes after 5:00 PM. She clocked out, grabbed her things, and climbed into her car. She took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself to make the drive out to the cemetery. She wasn’t sure what time Elain had been able to go by, but Nesta had agreed to meet Feyre at 5:30 to pay their respects. It was becoming a standing tradition, where they would make their short visit whenever they could during the day and follow with dinner together as a family.

She made it with a few minutes to spare, so she took that time to sit with her mom one-on-one. She gave her a brief update on her life, told her how much she loved and missed her, and gently brushed any leaves or grass clippings off of her headstone. There were fresh flowers in her vase, something she noted each year on her death anniversary. Any other time of year, they kept seasonally appropriate faux flowers to make sure her site was properly decorated. She made a mental note to offer to contribute to the fresh arrangement in the years following when she saw her family at dinner. They were always taken care of before she made it out to the cemetery, and she didn’t want to risk forgetting for the next year. She leaned into the arrangement, taking in the various floral scents emanating from the blooms in the bouquet. There was a myriad of vivid colors, wildflowers throughout, and Nesta loved how true to her mother’s spirit they were.

She turned when she heard car doors and saw Feyre approaching with Rhysand. She stood, extending an arm out to her baby sister, who accepted it readily and rested her head on her shoulder. They wrapped their arms around each other, and Rhysand stood nearby, resting his hand on Feyre’s opposite shoulder. They stood together for several minutes until Nesta excused herself to allow Feyre some time alone with their mom as well.

She drove to her father’s house where she found Elain already setting the table for dinner. They worked together quietly, making sure they had plenty of place settings for everyone. Azriel offered his help to carry various dishes of food to the dining table and took his seat next to Elain once it was all settled. Almost as if on cue, Feyre and Rhysand walked into the house and took their seats as well. The dinner started off quiet considering the somber mood, but Feyre was the first to break the tension when she started to tell stories from their childhood. In a matter of moments, their home was filled with animated story telling and loud bouts of laughter, and Nesta couldn’t think of a better way to honor her mom’s love of life.

As everyone finished up, she suddenly remembered her mental note from earlier. She waited for a natural lull in conversation, then commented softly, “Mom’s flowers were beautiful, you guys. You did an amazing job.”

”They were really perfect. They couldn’t have been more ‘Christine’ if you tried,” Feyre remarked.

“Elain, Dad. I’m not sure which of you took care of them this year, but would you let me take care of next time? I haven’t contributed since she passed, and I’d really like to.”

Mr. Archeron softly shook his head back and forth, communicating to Nesta that it hadn’t been him. Nesta adjusted her gaze to Elain who looked just as confused.

“Oh. Nes, I assumed it was one of you. I didn’t... I didn’t order them. I wished I had.” She looked down at her hands, and Azriel placed a supportive arm across the back of her chair.

“Okay... so who did?” She glanced around the table from person to person, but no one took any credit. It was Rhys who spoke up first, clearing his throat to master his voice.

“You don’t know?”

”Obviously.” She looked to Feyre for support. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Feyre said nothing, watching Rhysand talk with rapt attention.

When he spoke again, it was cautious, as if his words may startle her. “Nesta. The flowers are from Cassian. He’s done them every year since Mrs. Christine died.”

She was suddenly short of breath. Everyone’s attention snapped to Rhys, including her father’s. Her sisters and Azriel were looking at Rhysand with stunned expressions, their eyes flicking to her face occasionally.

“What? How could you know— why would you know, when we don’t? What the fuck is going on?” She was falling over her own words, struggling to form any cohesive thought.

”I’m so sorry,” Rhysand glanced around the room for the first time, realizing he had everyone’s attention. “The only reason I knew was because he asked me to make sure they made it from the flower shop to her gravesite the year he had knee surgery. He asked me to keep it to myself then, but I figured by now he would have said something to at least one other person.” He looked down into his plate, various emotions playing over his handsome face. Feyre leaned over to comfort him, knowing he was likely embarrassed to be the reason the air had changed so dramatically.

Nesta’s head was swimming, emotions roiling from a million different directions. She knew anger was cheap and unfair, but she pulled on that tether as hard as she could to make sure she could navigate everything she was processing. She was on her feet suddenly, pushing her chair away from the table and walking toward her keys.

“I have to go.” She couldn’t be in here anymore. The room was too small, the walls were too close. Too many people. She picked up the pace, flinging the door open and shutting it hard behind her. She was down the porch steps when she heard the door open again. Azriel’s voice followed her.

”Nesta. Where are you going? Nesta, stop!” He had jogged lightly to catch up with her, and he tugged her gently by the wrist to stop her. She spun on him quickly, eyes flaring and brimming with tears.

“Anywhere but here! What the fuck was that, Az?”

He said nothing; looked down at his own feet as he shook his head.

“Cassian has some fucking nerve, you know that? Why is he insisting upon himself?” Her voice was lowered and had taken on an almost eerie quality; the calm before the proverbial storm.

“Nes, I don’t think he meant to upset you. It sounds like it’s something he’s made somewhat of a tradition. Maybe he just wanted to be sure and see it through.”

”He doesn’t get to do that anymore, Azriel. He doesn’t get to butt-dial me while he makes date plans with some girl, then turn around and send flowers to my dead mother. What am I supposed to think about that? And how would that make his girlfriend feel?” Azriel pulled her into a hug at that, resting his chin on top of her head. He didn’t answer her. There was nothing to say.

She pulled away from him, gripping her keys, and walked toward her car. “I’m out. Tell them I love them, and I’ll call tomorrow.” She nodded her chin toward the house, climbed into her car, and backed out of the driveway.

——————————————————————————

She wasn’t sure how long she’d driven before she found herself in his driveway. She knew it hadn’t been very long considering the sun was still clinging to the end of the day. She honestly didn’t remember making the conscious decision to come here, likely fueled by anger and muscle memory more than anything else. She was still so frustrated at her situation, her emotions spilling over and refusing to be put into that stupid fucking box anymore. The worst part was that, as mad as she was with him, she so badly wanted to see him. She wished the circumstances were less complicated so that she could knock, ask for a hug and some tea, and lay on his couch. They were a hell of a long way from those people now.

She loosed a breath, puffing her cheeks with air and exhaling slowly. Just before she peeled her head from the headrest to get out, his front door opened. He opened it most of the way, then leaned against the door jamb on his shoulder. He had his hands in the pockets of his sweats and one of his ankles crossed casually over the other. For a moment, she only looked at him, unable to move or offer any type of acknowledgement. She took in the charcoal henley he was wearing, unbuttoned save for the very last one. The small flap of the opening leaned to the side, revealing the base of his neck and the beginning of his tattoos. He looked so very Cassian, casual and laid-back, that she struggled to keep her emotions level at the mere sight of him. His hair was down, looking like he had just run his fingers through it with its deep part and how it fell haphazardly around his face. He was wearing his reading glasses, she noticed, the thick frames highlighting the sharp angle of his cheekbones and the wide set of his jaw. He gave her a soft smile, and cocked his head to the side and back in invitation. She could almost hear him gently telling her to “get in here”.

Too late to turn back now.

——————————————————————————

A/N: Alrighty, hope y’all enjoyed this chapter, even with minimal Nessian. The next chapter(s) will more than make up for it, though! I’m hoping to have max Nessian to y’all ASAP. A million thanks to all of you who continue to follow this au. Your comments/ feedback have meant the world to me!

If you’d like to be tagged, feel free to comment, reblog, or send a message! I’d be happy to add you to the list. If I’ve accidentally left you off or there are issues with your tag, let me know, and I’ll look into it! Comments and constructive criticism are welcome (even encouraged)!

Tags:

@polireader // @lord-douglas-the-third // @justgiu12 // @notyournymphetish // @sjm-things // @strangeenemy // @iammissstark // @keshavomit // @sjmships // @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks // @dusty-lightbulb // @texas-shaped-waffle-maker // @julemmaes // @charincharge // @superspiritfestival // @awesomelena555 // @sleeping-and-books // @hizqueen4life // @maastrash // @bookstantrash // @rhyswhitethorn // @grace-k-sterling // @sayosdreams // @sis-it-dont-add-up // @ladywitchling // @b00kworm // @courtofjurdan

[emdythewriter]

A new light | chapter four (Elriel)

When Azriel finally left the law firm he had several missed calls and texts from Elain. First she had wondered why he left the group at lunch. Second she had asked when he was planning on leaving so they could walk home together. Lastly she had told him she got a ride from Vivianne and would see him in the morning. She wouldn’t.

He went straight for the liquor cabinet and poured a drink. Az wasn’t even sure what bottle he grabbed and didn’t care as long as it burned his throat and the memory of what he heard in that damned bathroom. His best friend truly believed they were fated to being just that, best friends and nothing more. He took a long drink of the amber liquid.

It didn’t fill the hole in his chest, the hole that had been created the moment Azriel had fallen in love with Elain and unknowing to her, handed over his heart. He took the bottle and glass to the living room and settled onto the couch, hoping to find something that would drown out his thoughts.

Azriel felt hollowed out. He hated himself right then. Hated himself for not taking that first opening after Elain and Graysen had broken up. Hated himself for not stopping her from going on a date with Lucien, Feyre had arranged. Hated himself for not telling her the moment he knew what his feelings for her were. And finally he hated himself most of all for spending so much time fawning over Mor and ignoring what was always right in front of him.

With each thought he took another drink. He drank and drank and drank until he felt so numb he had no idea he was crying until he tasted the salt. Az laid on the couch, aimlessly flipping through channels and drinking straight from the bottle now. The noises from the speakers sounded like buzzing, everything sounded like buzzing so much so that he didn’t even process the knock on his front door.

Az didn’t move, figuring it was just one of his brothers coming to check on him. Cassian had come by his office earlier and noticed the missing photograph. Rhys came by before he left for the day noticing the same. Both had asked if he was alright but all he did was shrug and go back to work.

“Azriel,” that wasn’t one of his brothers. No that was a female voice and he knew exactly which female it belonged to. He hadn’t expected her to come, wasn’t she supposed to be on vacation? No that was Amren, Mor on the other hand was still in town it seemed. “Oh shit.”

Mor took one look at Azriel splayed out on the couch and knew, just knew in her gut that something had gone wrong. The bottle was at his lips when she came over and snatched it from his grasp, spilling some of its contents on his shirt.

“Damnit Morrigan,” he muttered as he jumped up from the couch and pulled the soaked shirt over his head. He turned to glare at her once that was taken care of. “Why are you here?”

“Rhys and Cassian called and told me you were acting weird,” she answered as she swayed into the kitchen to put the bottle of liquor away. And yes she swayed because Mor Knightdale swayed everywhere she went.

“So you decided to barge into my apartment?” he asked following her into his kitchen.

“I have a key,” she replied, holding up the object he had given all his friends when he bought the place.

“You’re abusing your privileges,” Az slurred pointing a finger in the blonde’s direction.

“And you’re abusing your whisky,” she said with a shrug as she put the bottle back on the shelf in the liquor cabinet. “What happened?”

“Shouldn’t you be at home pestering your girlfriend?”

“Believe me there’s a lot of things I want to do to my girlfriend but instead I’m here because my friend needs me,” Az looked away from her, not being able to stand the look in her brown eyes that was a mix of worry and pain. “So again I ask, what happened?”

He shouldn’t tell her, saying everything out loud would only make it real. Az wasn’t so sure he would survive that pain. Mor seemed to read this on his face as she watched him. She knew knew what or rather who was causing him so much hurt, because Mor had once caused this same heartache.

“You’d think I’d learn by now,” Az said as he shook his head, feeling more tears run down his cheeks. “There was you and that didn’t end well. Now there’s Elain and it’s going in that same direction but somehow it hurts more.” He took a deep breath in and out before continuing. “I think it’s because I was still holding onto my heart when I fell for you, but with Elain I gave it all away.”

He choked on a sob as he turned away from her, rubbing his face even if it didn’t do much. That hole in his chest was starting to suck him in, every single part of him that was alive was slowly dying. Mor rushed around the island to catch him as Azriel’s legs gave out from beneath him.she pulled him to her chest and held him, rubbing up and down his spine as he broke down.

“Tell me what she said,” Mor said as they sat there clinging to the other. She knew there had to be something because Az had never once believed he couldn’t get Elain to fall in love with him.

“She said...we c-couldn’t be...anything other th-than f-friends,” he said through hiccups. Mor pulled him closer, running her other hand through his hair doing anything she could think of to comfort her broken friend. “I-I-I lost her.”

Mor wasn’t sure if there was anything she could do after that.

___

Elain hated Wednesday. It was halfway to the weekend which usually meant an early morning breakfast with Azriel but he texted her late last night saying he couldn’t make it. Instead they were going to do brunch which was where she was headed now.she hated today because she had to take the bus to the cafe they liked since Az was going with Rhys to meet with a client on the other side of the city.

She also hated Wednesday because Vivianne was sick which left Elain with no other friends to talk to, and more work for her to deal with. She hated Wednesday because her boss was screaming and yelling on the phone again. But most of all she hated Wednesday because she was running on no sleep and three cups of coffee.

After she got home from work without Az beside her Elain’s whole mood was off. Not once in the three years they had known each other had he ever skipped out on walking her to and from work. That was before last night, before they had left the restaurant at lunch. Something had gone wrong, Elain was sure of it but she had no clue what it was.

Then there was this morning, she ran into Mor on the way out and had to step back. The blonde had been leaving Az’s apartment when Elain saw here, and she wanted so badly to say something but she’d rather ask her best friend. Even though it had been a couple of years since Mor had come out to the group she still found herself not being totally friendly with the other woman, mostly because of the pain she had seen Azriel fight so long.

She would ask him about yesterday when she got to the cafe. It was easier and she was more comfortable with that, plus Az never lied to her.

The bus soon came to a halt and Elain was getting off. She found Azriel waiting for her at the stop making her smile instantly. Every time she saw him, didn’t matter what her mood was or what her day had been like she always smiled when she saw him. Mostly she did it in the hopes that it would mask the way her heart picked up speed, Elain was hopelessly in love with him.

“Hey sorry about yesterday,” Az said as they began walking down the street. The cafe was a couple of blocks over from the bus stop giving them time to soak up the sun and talk.

“It’s fine,” Elain waved off with a gesture of her hand. “Were you just not feeling well?”

“Yeah,” Azriel nodded but she got the feeling he wanted to say something more. Elain didn’t push him though figuring whatever it was he didn’t want to talk about.

“I saw Mor this morning,” Elain said, coming straight out with it because if she kept it in any longer she was going to explode.

“Oh,” Az said sounding like a child that had been caught doing something they weren’t supposed to. “She stayed with me when she heard I wasn’t feeling well.”

“You’re feeling better now?”

“Yeah, just a little off but nothing that’ll slow me down.”

“Good.”

Once they entered the cafe Az went to order their food which was the same thing every time while Elain went to find an empty and clean table because she hated germs. There was an open table for two towards the back and next to the large window that ran down the front of the building. She watched the chaos of the street as she waited for Azriel.

“How was your night?” Az asked once he had gotten their food and drinks. Elain grabbed her plate of waffles and toast and poured syrup on it immediately. He handed her a glass of iced coffee she got every time, a glass she probably shouldn’t be having but didn’t care.

“Awful,” Elain said after a few bites and a long sip of bitterness. “I didn’t go to sleep until the middle of the night and then I was tossing and turning in my sleep.”

“Why’d you have such a rough time?” Az asked as he spooned a mouthful of eggs and hashbrowns into his mouth. Elain watched the movement as she debated telling him the truth and then decided she no longer cared.

“I was worried about you,” Azriel stopped eating and set down his fork. Looking her dead straight in the eye he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his broad chest. The same chest Elain had dreamed about touching countless times.

“Worried about me?” he asked as if he couldn’t puzzle out why she would ever do such a thing.

“Yes,” Elain said her own food being neglected as well. “Because you left lunch without a word to anyone, you didn’t answer my texts or calls, and Cassian asked if we fought because the picture of us disappeared from your desk.”

His eyes widened. Azriel had no idea she knew about that, but this reaction only confirmed what she already believed. Her best friend was upset with her and wasn’t telling her why. He was hiding something and she needed to know because it was killing her on the inside out.

“You know about that?” Azriel said in a haunted voice like he was suddenly afraid of her, and maybe he should be.

“Yes,” Elain answered. “So tell me what’s wrong? Did I do something? Have you done something to make me mad? I don’t care what it is just don’t keep me in the dark Azriel.”

Az took a deep breath. He looked out the window and then back at her brown eyes. “You’ve done nothing. It was something I did.”

“Then let me help you.”

“You can’t Elain.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I’m going through I have to handle on my own. I don’t know how yet and I don’t know how long it’ll take but I have to do this by myself.”

“But we do everything together.”

“Not this time Elain.” She felt it more than heard. But that day in that cafe she listened as her best friend broke her heart.

Tag list:

@erinmau @roseteaofficial @sleeping-and-books @court-of-fuck-me-daddy @azriels-forgotten-shadow @tintinnabulary @jemma-nessian-and-elriel @cc-psm @chemicha @but-she-was-aelin-galathynius @ttakeitbacknoww @azrielismycinnamonrollprimary @mis-lil-red @poisonous00 @julesherondalex @acreativitydump @theogvodkaaunt @rapunzel1523 @l0sts0uls1128 @lord-douglas-the-third @musicalfae @sezkins79

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[queen-archeron]

Wildest Dreams // Part 1

Summary: Nesta has finally gotten the chance to get away from her small hometown of Prythian, and move to the big city of New York. She knows it won’t be easy to adjust to this new, independent life of hers, especially with an overprotective boyfriend constantly stressing her out. Cassian has lived in the city for a little less than a year, along with the rest of his Inner Circle of friends, and life couldn’t be better. When Nesta moves into the apartment next door though, many things change.

Tags: @highladyfxyre @fiery-feyre @justasimplereader @my-life-is-a-drama-book @eternally-reading @rhysand-and-rowan

(Let me know if you’d like to be tagged!)

Nesta let out a loud grunt as she dropped the last three boxes out of her arms and onto the spotless wood floors of her new apartment. Feyre and Elain walked through the door and both collapsed on the couch set up by the large windows overlooking the city. Both sisters looked exhausted, and Nesta wiped the sweat from her forehead as she collapsed in between them on the soft cushions.

“Well…” Nesta started, looking around at the open space of the room. It was so much bigger than their small house in Prythian, one in which they all had to share a room. “It will take some getting used to, but I like it.”

Elain smiled and turned behind her to look out the window.

“You have an amazing view,” she murmured, lost in thought as she gazed out over the city.

Nesta had to admit, this apartment truly was incredible. The living room—which they were currently in—had an entire wall covered with floor to ceiling windows, giving the perfect view of New York City. Central park was only 5 blocks away, and having the corner apartment meant that she didn’t have to deal with neighbors on both sides of her. 

She hadn’t met the person next door yet, and quite frankly, she didn’t want to. Nesta preferred to be alone and reserved, even if it meant people calling her shy and antisocial. She didn’t care what others thought, and she never would.

The three sisters stared out at the beautiful view in silence, simply enjoying each others presence. Nesta knew they would have to leave soon, especially if they wanted to make it back to Prythian by morning. It was a thirteen hour drive into the town from the city. 

Small droplets of water began to slide down the windows, and soon enough, it was raining outside, the grey clouds slowly blocking out the light from the setting sun. 

Elain sighed, her chocolate brown eyes wide as she observed the city. “Since you have everything finally packed, we should probably go…”

She glanced at Nesta with a sad look in her eyes, and Nesta gave her sister a soft smile. “Don’t get all sappy with me now.”

Feyre rolled her eyes, but smiled anyways. “Will you be okay?”

Nesta groaned, sliding a hand down her face. “Yes, mom, I’ll be fine. I’m older than both of you, you do realize right?”

Feyre and Elain gave each other a look, but shrugged and smiled. “We know.”

Nesta stared at them for a moment, and then Feyre and Elain stepped up to her, wrapping their arms around her in a tight hug. They remained like that for a few moments, because they had no idea when they would see each other next. Elain was looking for a house of her own in Prythian, and Feyre was in the middle of applying to New York University’s Art School, which meant they both had to be home.

With a loud sigh, they all pulled away, sniffling. Well, Elain was sniffling as her eyes began to water. 

“Elain…” Nesta started, but Elain held up a hand. 

“I’m fine, I promise. It’s just…going to be weird without you at home with us.” She gave Feyre a look, and Feyre nodded in agreement.

Nesta smiled at them and they all slowly made their way towards the door. “I’ll be fine guys. I’ll call you if I need anything.”

Feyre grabbed Nesta’s hand and squeezed, a small smile on her face. “Have fun. Just don’t party too much.”

Nesta started to scowl, but Feyre only snickered and headed out the door, Elain following shortly after giving Nesta a quick kiss on the cheek. When the door shut, the only sound that could be heard was the muffled raindrops against her windows, and the sound of the elevator closing down the hall.

She turned around to take in the apartment fully now, figuring out how to get to work on putting things into place. To her left was a large kitchen with marble counter tops and a nice sized island in the center. She headed towards the living room and grabbed a box labeled ‘plates and bowls’ and got to work unpacking.

~

Cassian pulled his hood over his head as it began to rain, watching Rhys and Azriel do the same next to him. They had just finished eating at Rita’s, since Mor decided to finally get a job there, after lots of persuading. She got free drinks, which may have been a large factor, even though him and his brothers knew she was always checking out the waitress who worked the night shift.

Cassian sighed, glancing at Az and Rhys. “I have a new neighbor moving in today, so let’s hope it’s not another crazy cat lady like the last.”

Rhys chuckled, sliding his hands into his pockets as they walked towards Cassian’s street. “That lady was insane. I remember when she knocked on the door asking us to turn down the TV so her kids could sleep. Azriel fell on his ass right in front of her from laughing so hard.”

Azriel quickly shook his head. “I didn’t fall on my ass.”

Cassian and Rhys gave him a look, and Az sighed in defeat. “Okay, but in my defense, it was really funny.”

“You never know,” Rhys drawled, giving Cassian a suggestive glance out of the corner of his eye. “Maybe it’s a super model.”

Cassian burst out laughing, and even Azriel chuckled. 

“I wouldn’t complain if that were the case,” Cassian snorted.

The sound of squeaking breaks filled the air around them, and the rain was beginning to fall harder. People were rushing to and from taxis, covering their heads with whatever they could. He was always intrigued by everyone else when he walked through the city. 

He had been living in the city for about a year now, and being so close to his best friends was the best part. There were eight million people living here, and yet Cassian still hadn’t met his soulmate.

He knew it was stupid--believing in a soulmate--and Rhys and Az made fun of him for it, but deep down, he knew everyone had one. Rhys was seeing some girl named Feyre, who Cassian and Az had yet to meet, but the way he spoke about her…it made him jealous at times, if he was being honest.

They reached Cassian’s apartment building after a couple more blocks, and Cassian pulled his hood off as he headed towards the door. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow?” He asked, glancing back at his friends.

“Of course,” said Az and Rhys almost at the same time. They nudged each other with an elbow and waved goodbye to Cassian before heading to their own apartments a few blocks over.

Cassian made his way inside, savoring warm air, and hurried into an elevator, pressing the button for the fifteenth floor. He leaned against the wall and sighed, exhaustion taking over. When it stopped at his floor, Cassian stepped out just as two girls walked past him and entered the elevator as he left. They were most likely sisters since they looked so alike, and Cassian wondered why he’d never seen them before, until he passed his next door apartment.

The sound of boxes moving around through the door caught his attention, and he debated knocking to introduce himself, but instead continued to his own door. For all he knew, it could be a ninety year old man with anger issues, and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with something like that.

Unlocking his door, he tossed the keys onto the kitchen counter and made his way to the couch, where he collapsed with a small groan. 

If there was one thing Cassian hated about the city, it was walking everywhere. Of course, he could get a cab anytime he wanted, but in New York City that meant waiting for what felt like two years.

He grabbed the remote off the coffee table that was in between the couch and TV, and switched the channel to some sports network. 

Glancing around his apartment, he took in all the empty space. He was beginning to get lonely, coming up to a boring apartment with no one to talk to, unless Azriel or Rhys came up, but they had their own lives to live. None of his neighbors acknowledged him, and he was pretty sure half of the people on his floor didn’t even know who he was, although he couldn’t complain since he was the same towards them.

He could faintly here the sounds of boxes still being shifted around in the apartment next to his, thanks to the thin walls. He knew he should introduce himself, because it would be the polite thing to do, but at the moment, Cassian wanted nothing to do with anyone else.

Leaning back, he nestled into the couch, and sleep soon found him.

~

Nesta wanted to ignore her phone as it rang for the third time. Wanted to, but couldn’t. She knew he’d be mad at her for ignoring him the first two times, but she would brush it off and act happy, like always. 

No, not act. She was happy with Thomas. He made her feel loved and cared for when her father couldn’t, he made her feel like her own person, like she didn’t have to rely on anyone else. He made her feel…stressed, and miserable, and angry. 

Nesta shook her head, ignoring the thoughts, and closed the cupboard door, now filled with food. She took a deep breath as she picked up her phone, swiping to answer her boyfriend’s call.

“Hey, Thom-“

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Nesta froze at the tone, at the demand in his words. She swallowed, leaning her back against the island counter.

“W-What do you mean?” She refused to let her voice come out shaky, because she knew it would only make him even more frustrated with her.

“I called you twice before, why didn’t you answer?” He was speaking fast, and the sound of traffic drifted through the phone. She erased the possibilities of why he was in traffic from her mind, and focused on calming him down.

“I was unpacking some boxes, and I didn’t hear my phone. I’m sorry.” Though, she wasn’t truly sorry. She never was with him.

“Just make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’m about ten minutes out of the city,” he muttered, and her heart froze.

“You’re what?”

“I’m coming to see you. I figured you could use some company.”

Nesta turned around and rested her elbows on the marble surface, her eyes roaming everywhere, making sure things were in place, making sure there was nothing he could call her out on. This was the last things she wanted right now.

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” she replied in an anxious tone, even though the look on her face was anything but. 

“I love you,” he murmured, and waited for her response.

“I love you, too.”

The call ended, and she tossed her phone across the counter, burying her hands in her hair, squeezing her eyes shut.

She knew she needed to end things with Thomas, because he had too much control over her and she hated it. If she ended things though, he could hurt her or her family, and she needed to make sure her sisters were safe, that they didn’t need to worry about this mess on top of everything else. 

She tried to convince herself over and over that he did everything for love. He loved her, and told her that every day. Maybe she was just paranoid.

Quickly, Nesta grabbed some pillows and sheets, made her bed, and worked her way through every room, making sure the essentials were in place. 

After ten minutes exactly, there was a knock on the door, and she quickly fixed her hair and smoothed out her dress. When she opened the it, Thomas looked her up and down, then past her shoulder into the apartment.

“It looks nice,” was all he said as he walked passed her, placing a kiss to her forehead. Shutting the door behind her, Nesta made her way over to him, watching his reaction.

“So, how does it feel to be independent now?” He asked, still looking around at the scattered boxes. 

Nesta smiled a little, taking in the apartment herself. “It’s great. I don’t have to worry about taking care of my father anymore, and Elain and Feyre will have more room to themselves back at the house.”

Thomas glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “I must say, I’m not a huge fan of you being here by yourself. A lot of guys are probably going to try to get with you and-“

“Thomas.” Nesta held a hand up, and he rose a brow at the sudden change of attitude. “I can handle myself. I won’t let any guys hit on me or-“

He grabbed her arm, roughly pulling her towards him until she was pressed against his chest. She hoped he couldn’t hear her heart practically beating out of her chest.

“I don’t want you seeing any guys while I’m away. Is that clear?” He gave her a hard stare, daring her to argue, and instead she only nodded quickly.

“Thomas, I do have a life-“

She let out a whimper as his grip on her arm tightened to the point of pain, and her eyes were wide as she tried to pull away. Thomas only chuckled, releasing her roughly and taking a few steps back. She stumbled, but regained her balance and stood her ground.

“I’m just trying to protect you. You know that, right love?”

Love. He loved her. Nesta’s mind repeated the thought over and over.

She ignored the pain on her arm and nodded. Of course, he was protecting her. Even though she didn’t need protecting, she couldn’t complain about this. 

Thomas stepped towards her and took her face gently in his hands. He brought his lips down to hers, and she tried to release the tension in her body to make herself seem relaxed, but she couldn’t. Thomas didn’t notice though, he only pulled away and gave her a small smirk.

“I missed you.” He murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I missed you, too.”

But as Nesta said the words, she knew she didn’t mean it.

[0erasurehero0]

A Court of Red and Gold Part One

Part One: Her Little Monster

They ambled through the woods silently for hours, scanning the trees and ground in front of them for any clues on where the spies went.

That’s what they were doing—spying for spies.

Feyre didn’t particularly like this type of work, especially since she was put on archery duty. If we were to find a spy in the sky (oh wow, that rhymes. It didn’t in my head) she was the one to shoot them down.

Fortunately, we haven’t spot anything yet. This either meant yay, our friends in the winter court found them, or oh shit, we’re screwed.

But Rhys was certain that we would be able to find them, so we continued through the unrelenting winter forest. Cassian was the only one that seemed to complain vocally, spreading his protests about how since it was so cold the spies were possibly already frozen to death somewhere in the forest ahead.

Nesta was quiet, as usual, but she held a smile each time Elain excitedly pointed out a tree she hopes to one day plant. I couldn’t blame Nesta; even I felt a smile form across my lips every time I heard the excited gasps come from elain.

Azriel was scouting. Alone, despite Rhys’ protests. He claimed that with it snowing again, Azriel might not be able to see, so he asked if he’d wait. Azriel’s counter attack was that he didn’t want us walking out in this weather any longer. Rhys had taken one look at me, and at the overly underdressed Mor who was shivering furiously, and relented, agreeing with Azriel.

To be honest, I agreed wholly with Az. It’s way too cold to be out here searching for these spies. If they get back into the Night Court we’d know and take care of it. If they get into another court (and all courts know there are spies running about, we sent letters to each of them) those courts will take care of it.

Now, three hours after Azriel had returned, we were still looking for those spies. At least, that’s what everyone had thought.

It was actually me who had kept everyone going. Drawn to some unknown scent, some unknown familiarity, I dragged the search own. Something nagged at the back of mind, something kept telling me to look.

When I couldn’t find what I was looking for, the thing told me to look harder.

After that, the thing told me to open my eyes.

This thing, this someone, was me.

I felt Rhys’ presence behind me as I led the inner circle towards the familiar scent. I could feel things as I got closer; could remember things. Memories flooded through my mind.

“Hey, Feyre, what did the water nymph say to the tree nymph?”

“What?”

“Why don’t you em-bark on a journey through my coast!...That wasn’t very good.”

“That is most definitely the worst joke I have ever heard. It doesn’t even make sense...I…!”

A name was forming through my mind, but I couldn’t complete it. It started with an I, but that’s all I could conclude from the memory.

Plus, that joke was truly horrible.

By the mother I knew what it was supposed to imply but that was truly the worst way to imply those type of actions.

Rhys’ hand was splayed on my shoulder and he was gently shaking me, trying to get my attention.

“Feyre, is everything alright? We should probably head back…you don’t seem like you’re doing so well—”

“I’m fine.” I snapped.

When I turned, I saw the worry and hurt in his eyes. I didn’t just snap at him—my words were laced with venom.

“Rhys—I’m sorry…” I rubbed my arm, which began itching in a weird way, and lowered my gaze, “I probably am getting sick. I haven’t been feeling too well lately…”

“I’ve noticed that.” Mor shuffled through the snow towards me. “You’ve been acting weird lately.”

Rhys wrapped an arm around my shoulders and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Let’s get home and contact a healer to check for any illness. You could be getting a cold.” Rhys’ eyes lit with amusement. “Mor is a monster when she gets sick.”

“Liar,” Mor barked. “I am no such thing.”

I heard both Azriel and Cassian break down in laughter. When I glanced at them, Azriel was practically on the ground in tears.

“You’re horrible to us when you’re sick!” Cassian yelled. “We can’t even get near you to heal you! I remember once that you threw a lamp, a lamp, at Az when he was bringing you soup!”

Mor’s eyes were wide and her mouth hung open. I didn’t join in the laughter until Nesta walked by and pushed Mor’s mouth closed. Cassian howled.

“Let’s agree to go back now,” Amren stated, calmly. “It is getting colder and colder, and with this new body it affects me more now.”

So, we headed back as quickly as possible. Rhys brought a pen and some paper to write a letter to the other courts that we lost the spies, so they should keep a close eye on their courts

As we walked, I couldn’t ignore the tug back to where we were going. I felt my blood freeze and my heart race and my ears rang—it felt wrong, wrong to leave.

Leaving so soon?

I glanced behind me, but no one was there. I looked towards my friends, but no one seemed to hear what I heard.

“This is no illness…”

Rhys turned to me. “Hm?”

I hadn’t realized I said that out loud, but it didn’t change the fact that whatever was going on wasn’t some sickness. I wasn’t sick—my acting weird has nothing to do with being sick.

I’ve been acting hostile.

So rude.

I hurt Cassian during training—burned his arm.

So mean.

I’ve snapped at everyone, been hearing things, and I’ve been more…powerful, in a way. I can feel my powers smoothening, becoming more flexible and usable, growing. What’s happening?

Such a beast.

I ignored the voice just as I had ignored the others. But I couldn’t ignore the feeling that I was doing something wrong by not following that tug.

My little monster, my little beast. You are awakening.

Shut up, shut up. I hate this—maybe I am sick. Maybe I do need a healer…

They cannot fix what is not broken. Open your eyes…

We got closer to the House of Wind and I never felt more relieved. I watched and waited as Cassian scooped up Nesta and flew to the balcony. Azriel grabbed Elain and flew skyward. Mor, I had expected to walk over to Rhys, walked over to me.

“I saw you fly Nesta up there once with ease. Wanna fly me up there? Rhys always flies too fast.”

Rhys chuckled and said, “Then I’ll see you both in a moment,” and flew towards the balcony.

Mor came closer when I reached for her. I carried her bridal style, the easiest way to fly someone, and took off.

As we got closer, I felt eyes on me, felt blood trickle from my nose towards my mouth. I landed a little haphazardly on the balcony. Mor didn’t fail to notice that. Or the blood.

“Rhys, get a healer, immediately!” She turned to me and placed her hands on both sides of my face. She studied my eyes for a moment.

“You seem lucid—So that’s a good sign. Everyone gets nose bleeds, that shouldn’t’ be a problem.” She took the napkin that Cassian retrieved and patted the blood away. “But something is wrong.”

My head pounded and I found that I couldn’t stand anymore. I promptly sunk to the floor.

“Rhys! Hurry!”

Feyre’s eyes closed, a memory forming in her mind of a similar time—but with a golden face.

“Feyre, you okay? You have to take your medicine—if you don’t, you’ll get sick.”

“I’m fine, Ilysim. Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m a worrier. Can’t help it.”

Red light filled the room. The pounding in my head receded and my eyes fluttered open. I looked to my hands, which were the source of the red light.

My matching tattoos—my High Lady one, and mine and Rhys’ bargain—were no longer the midnight blue ink that they once were. No, they glistened dark red—with hints of a brighter red—like blood.

Mor’s hand was clasped to her mouth, her eyes wide and confused. Rhys returned with a healer, who carried many materials with her, including a silver tray of medical instruments.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the tray, so when she got close I took the tray from her. I emptied the instruments by my feet and looked into the tray’s glossy, metallic surface.

My skin was pale, my hair was a darker brown, my eyes a ruby red. I bared my teeth, which felt heavier, and recoiled at the sight of silver—no, iron fangs.

I dropped the tray.

Good morning, my lovely monster.

And roared.

It’s not very good but hey, I tried. Thanks for reading.

[rowanismybae]

Walkashame - Elriel Fanfic part 2

So, I wrote the part one named Bon Appetit here and this is the second part.

Enjoy!

--

Elain woke up with the sun on her face. She was cuddled on Azriel and she heard his peaceful heartbeat. She smiled to herself. She never woke up as happy as she felt that moment.

Her stomach roared. Suddenly she remembered she was supposed to be at her own bedroom, going for breakfast with the rest of her friends.

Shit. She stood up and went to get her dress. As she put it on, she heard Az wake up.

“Good morning, El.” He said with his voice dripping sleep. She looked at him and regretted: he was naked tangled in the sheets with his hair a mess. She almost jumped back in bed with him. Almost.

“Morning, Az. Shit. I’m late. I overslept.”

He chuckled. “So?” he asked sitting up.

“So, our friends will be down for breakfast soon, and if they see us, they’ll annoy the shit out of us and ask questions we do not have answers for yet.” She said putting on her shoes.

She looked at him and he was smiling lazily. “What?” She asked.

“You look so beautiful when you wake up.” She blushed and hopped on the bed to kiss him quickly. When she withdraws, he growled in protest and she chuckled.

“Soon enough will be together again, Az. Don’t be a baby.” She blew a kiss while opening the door. Before she closed it, she whispered “See you downstairs, love.”

She walked on her tiptoes, but fast and notices her shoes are too noisy. So she removes then and continues to walk until she reaches the stairs and listen to her friends already in the dining room.

She cursed vigorously without making a sound and scowled herself for sleeping so much. And then cursed Azriel for outwearing her. Not that he could take full responsibility on it, but anyway.

Since there was no other way to go to her bedroom without going downstairs, she decided to put on her innocent face and she straightened her shoulders and went down like nothing happened.

“Elain! You’re finally up! Are you feeling better?” Feyre asked smiling.

“Better? What you mean?” She asked truly intrigued.

“Well, since you ditched desert and went to your room after dinner last night, I though you weren’t feeling well…” She narrowed her eyes at her. Shit. “Why are you wearing the same dress as last night?”

Here we go Elain thought..

“I – uh…” She tried to find the words but Nesta cut her off.

“Why is your dress inside out?” She looked down at her dress and fuck! How did she not noticed this?

“Why are you holding your shoes?” Feyre asked again and Elain saw Cassian’s eyes widen and his mouth turned into a grin. Fuck.

“Why is your hair a total mess?” Nesta asked and Rhys’ eyes shot to the stairs with a puzzled look and then turned to her, his face mirroring Cassian’s. Double fuck.

“Is that a hickey?” Feyre’s voice was pitched by now and Nesta gapped in confusion. Mor laughed.

“She’s doing the Walk of Shame. Just let her go, for Cauldron’s sake.” And Cassian chuckled wiggling his brows.

“Walk of shame?! What the hell is that?” Nesta asked Mor and Feyre’s face lit up with the sudden realization or maybe Rhys told her through the bond.

“The Walk of Shame is when usually someone goes back home after a one-night stand. The only difference here is that Elain is going to her bedroom and not her house. Nesta, don’t look like you’ve never done that.” Mor shot her an incredulous look.

“I’ve never done that!” Nesta snapped back at her.

“Really?” Mor said sarcastically.

“Trust me Mor, she’s never done that. She is a saint. Her first one was Cassian.” Feyre answered for Nesta and Cassian kissed his mate’s cheek.

“You, on the other hand…” Nesta said pointing her finger to Feyre.

“Yes, I did it. Not like Elain is doing right now, but I did. And I’m not ashamed. And you shouldn’t be either Elain.” Every time Feyre brought up the matter, she wanted to crawl and die. Thankfully, no one had said a word with who she was with. Not yet, anuway.

“The question now is who is he.” Nesta said and Mor rolled her eyes. Amren scoffed. Nesta was trying to put the pieces together. “We know that Fox Boy isn’t here… actually the only one that spent the night here as well was… HOLY SHIT ELAIN!” She stood up her chin almost touching the floor in surprise.

“Will you stop that!” Elain pleaded. Feyre stood up and came to her side pulling Nesta along; giant grins on their faces.

“We need to talk. Now.” And she pushed me towards the hall to her bedroom; the other ones laughing on the table.

When we reached the bedroom, Elain barely had time to close the door before Feyre started to talk.

“Nesta, prepare a bath for her.” Nesta nodded and went to the bathroom turning on the water of the bathtub. When she was back, Feyre continued. “We have one question.”

“Is it true about his wingspan?” Nesta asked immediately. This could not be happening.

“Ok, we have two questions, then.” Nesta chuckled sitting on the edge of her bed. “Are you happy?” Feyre asked holding Elain’s hand, a gentle smile playing on her lips. She didn’t have to think twice to answer that.

“I am. The happiest I’ve ever been so far.” They both smiled and Feyre squeezed her hand. She turned to Nesta. “And also yes. The rumors are true.” She blushed and Nesta laughed.

“No way he’s bigger than Cassian.” She said, a malicious smile playing on her lips.

“Rhys can beat the crap out of their wingspan, sisters.” Feyre retorted and Elain laughed.

“Say whatever you want. We’ll only know if we get a measuring tape.” They both seemed to think about it and Elain started to undress for her bath.

“Elain, what the fuck?” Nesta stood up shocked looking at her body. When she looked down, she saw the reason why she was so scandalized: her body was filled with hickeys and marks from Az’s fingers. She blushed and Feyre laughed.

“I would never take that he was a saint, but not rough like that.” She chuckled nodding. “Nice pick El.” She raised her hand and Elain hit it.

She went for the bathroom and got in the tub. The water was hot and delicious. They showed up at the bathroom door.

“What about Lucien?” Nesta asked finally. Took them long enough to ask.

“I’m going to talk to Az about everything. We agreed to talk after breakfast, in secret. After we decided if we are going to try being a couple, I’d talk to Lucien. And no, I still haven’t decided if I’m going to accept the mating bond.”

“Was Azriel better?” Feyre asked shyly but curious.

She bit her lip and smiled remembering the night before. “Oh yeah. Lucien was… good. But Azriel -” I sighed nodding and they smiled.

“Illyrians. They know how to bed a girl properly.” Feyre said smugly.

“With that I agree.” Nesta said and we laughed.

They actually made Elain tell everything that happened while she bathed and changed. When they went back to the dining room, they were laughing about some book related thing.

Elain felt the silence and tension before she could see the others, and apparently her sisters felt it too, since they both shut right before the door. And Elain noticed why shortly after they went in.

Lucien was sited at the table with the others. Her gaze went straight for Azriel that was only one sit away from Lucien and he smiled softly. She felt her insides twist.

“Finally! Took you long enough. I was about to starve waiting for the three of you!” He said playfully, but his tone also held something like sarcasm. Great.

The only sit left for her was between Azriel and Lucien. This day just kept getting better.

“Weird seeing you here today Lucien. We weren’t expecting you.” Feyre said politely and placed a kiss on his head. She then left to sit beside her own mate. Elain wanted to kiss her for trying to act like nothing happened.

“Oh, well, I just felt like I had to come over today. You see, last night, I received the most intriguing emotions, thoughts and images from Elain through the bond. I just decided to show up and ask what was that about.” He turned his head towards her; his eyes cold and his expression severe.

“Oh fuck.” Amren whispered. Elain blushed.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I had no idea I was sending you anything.” She said flatly and grabbed a bread and jam. Azriel was still as a statue beside her.

“Well, you did. At first you sent some sort of excitement and I thought ‘hm, what is she up to?’ and waited. Then I felt your desire and I thought that maybe you were trying to reach me, tell me you needed help with your… needs. Then I saw the shadowsinger enter the room.”

“He has a name, Lucien.” She cut him off and he ignored her.

“Next thing I felt was lust, and overwhelming feelings of an orgasm.” He went on and she started to get severely angry.

“That’s enough Lucien.” Azriel said, his thunder voice echoing the room.

“He speaks! Tell me shadowsinger, how was it for you to go after my mate and fuck her?” He spat and Azriel stood up, murderous look in his eyes. Cassian stood as well and Amren narrowed her eyes at Lucien. Rhys and Feyre also stood up, analyzing the situation between them.

“Don’t you dare talk like about her.” Azriel said. His voice filled with rage.

“I was talking to you.” Lucien retorted.

“You made her sound like a whore.” Az shot back.

“Well…” Lucien started but Azriel growled in warning.

“Don’t finish that sentence Lucien.” Cassian said defensively. Nesta growled, despise dripping form her eyes.

“Lucien, please stop that. You’re being immature. And I was the one who looked for him. I went to his bedroom; I seduced him.” Elain said, trying to manage her anger.

“Immature Elain? You’re my mate! How should I act when my mate decides to fuck some random male? And glad to see you haven’t enjoyed our sex since you had to go after some Illyrian to satisfy your needs.” He stood up abruptly and the chair fell back with a loud noise.

“You were the one who said our sex was mediocre, so don’t put that blame on me. We’re not mated, Lucien. Who I sleep with or what I do with my body it’s not of your concern.” Elain said without raising her voice.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot that. So tell me Elain, you decided to reject the bond before or after you fucked the Shadowsinger?” He shouted and Elain felt her body tremble in rage.

“Lucien, you’re a dear friend of mine, but I’ll not tolerate you talking to my sister like that in my own House.” Feyre said. He laughed bitterly and was about to give Feyre a bitter retort when Elain stood up, her body trembling with rage.

“You know what Lucien? I thought you were different from the Autumn Court males. Better than Tamlin, even. But Apparently I was wrong. You think I’m some sort of property of yours. Which I’m not, by the way. I wanted to know you before I made my decision. And now, I see you’re no better than them. And I just made my mind: I do not want to be your mate, not when you’re so – so stupid and possessive. I’m not going to be mated to a male who think he owns me.” He took a step back like she had punched him on the face.

“Elain -” He looked like he came to his senses, but she didn’t care. She left the table and went to her own bedroom.

Tears rolled down her face and she hated every single one of them. He was so stupid, how could he be so mean and bitter?

She laid down her bed and let the tears come. How could some sort of weird fate drawn by the Cauldron or whatever gods mated the two of them? She thought he was better than that. How could she be so wrong?

After what could have been hours or just minutes, she heard a soft knock and Azriel’s head popped up shortly after it.

“Can I come in?” She nodded and he stepped in. He sat on the edge of the bed next to her and stroke her hair.

“That was quite a show. And right after you left, he came to his senses and apologized to us all.” He said and she frowned.

“So?” She asked; her voice hoarse from crying.

“So, he wants to apologize to you too. You see, males are very, very, very protective of their mates, whether their formally mated or not. Some sort primal instinct and all that. I’m not saying he was right, but I get it.” He shrugged.

“You’d never do that.” She stated. He smiled.

“Yes, but we’re different Elain. You can’t expect us to act the same way. Even my brothers and I are different.” She nodded but didn’t seem convinced.

“Did he apologize to you?”

He laughed. “Yes, El, he did. He even called me by my own name.” She seemed to feel better at that. “He’s waiting for you down there.” He gave her a wise smile and she sighed.

“Will you come with me?” she asked with a pout and he chuckled.

“I will. But I’ll let the two of you talk alone first.” She started to say something but he cut her off. “And no whining. Don’t worry, I’ll be in the next room, listening to every word in case you need me.” He leaned and kissed her on the lips.

“Fine. Let’s go.”

They walked together holding hands until they reached the balcony where Lucien stood. He was talking to Feyre and when she saw Elain, she leaned to him and kissed his cheek and when she crossed her sister, she gave a small knowing smile and left with Azriel.

“You wanted to talk to me?” She said with her arms crossed on her chest. She was mad, but not as before.

“I’m sorry Elain. I lost my mind and – you’re right. I’m not better than them.” He leaned over the rail of the balcony and let go a sigh. “I always had a hard time at love and I don’t know what happened. When I felt how happy you were with him I lost my shit. The thought that the woman that was supposed to love me, be my equal in every way choosing another male… that made me feel so sad, so depressed, so unworthy.”

She stepped towards him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulders. He looked at her with sad eyes.

“I was mad. I should never have said the things I said to you. If he makes you happy, El, then you should be with him. Azriel is a nice male. One of the best I’ve ever known.” He chuckled to himself. “Those Illyrians truly are the best ones ever. Damn, I’d choose them as well.” He nodded still chuckling.

“Hey, You’re a great guy too, Lucien. And don’t you dare say you’re not. You are. And I was just being stupid to compare you with those awful males. You’re better than them. And I still wish to be your friend. I’m just not sure if we’re good as mates. And you have no idea how I wished I was in love with you, but I’m not. I’m sorry.” He smiled gently at her and the wind blew his gorgeous red hair. He was handsome and that golden eye was certainly a charm. But still…

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I’m not in love with you either El. And that makes my reaction even more pathetic, I know.” She laughed and he just couldn’t help to take her hand in his. “You deserve to be happy, you know.” He said with his thumb stroking her hand.

“You too Lucien.” She said and he blushed, looking away. “What?” She asked and he looked back at her.

“I met someone. Nothing happened, but I think she likes me. I mean, who wouldn’t?” She laughed and smacked his shoulders. “Now that things are settled between us, maybe I should give it a try, you know?” He had a shy smile on his lips and a light on his eyes.

“Go for it. And try not to burn her with your firedick.” She wiggled her brows and he burst into laughter.

“I honestly have no idea why we didn’t match on the bedroom. I’m usually a master in the sex!” She laughed again and he followed her. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure. Always.” She said and he looked around before whispering.

“Is it true? About the wingspan, I mean.” She laughed so hard that her head fell back and she felt her stomach ache.

“Are you serious?” She asked and he nodded. She sighed. “You’re all insufferable.” He raised a brow inquisitively. “Yes. It’s true.”

He cursed. “There’s no way I can compete with that.” She laughed again and he hugged her.

“I’m glad I met you Lucien.” She let his hair tickle her face and she truly felt happy to know him.

“I’m glad I met you too Elain. You’re the best of the Archeron sisters. Please don’t tell Feyre that.” He said and she laughed.

“Too late for that, prick. Maybe you should be quieter.” Feyre scowled. When they broke the hug, they saw a very pissed Feyre leaning against her mate that was trying very hard not to laugh.

“Sorry. I’ll try harder next time.” He said, hands on his pockets. He was walking too much with those Illyrians. “I have to go back to the Day Court, so…”

“Stay for dinner?” Elain asked and when he thought of refusing, Feyre said they’d be happy if he stayed so he agreed.

Azriel showed up a few seconds later and hugged Elain from behind.

“Just make her happy okay? And if you ever hurt her, Azriel, I’ll gut you and feed your balls to the hounds.” Lucien said to Azriel that smiled and nodded.

“Trust me Lucien, if I ever do hurt her, I’ll do it myself.” Lucien seemed pleased with that.

“Okay, that’s enough. What you say about go sightseeing?” Azriel nodded and she turned to Lucien who was surprised to see her wanting his company and smiled nodding.

As they walked on the streets of Velaris, she thought that now her eternal life got better: her mate turned into her friend and her friend turned to her lover and soulmate. Maybe being drowned in that gods-damned Cauldron wasn’t so bad after all.

[bookofmirth]

after rereading the series and finally finishing silver flames ( which i truly enjoyed, even when there were points which felt disappointing and a little incoherent ) i feel like i can finally pinpoint what is so jarring to me regarding this series. It just seems so disjointed, which becomes especially apparent after reading MaF and the immediately reading WaR.

We move from the first two novels of the series, which are coherent and clean, to WaR - which is hoenstly just a mess, something which was so blatant to me on the reread. during this time, it’s clear that sjm made several massive changes to link this book to the future spin offs, and also obviously changes her original plan to pair mor and azriel - which monumentally changes the way that the previous book is read, and the perception of their characters.

Even with FaS - setting up for cassian and nestas story, sjm completely changes direction between this release and silver flames. And all of that lead up with the Illyrian rebellions and cassians not being respected as a bastard, and his mission fighting for Illyrian female rights - amounts to absolutely nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I really really enjoyed silver flames, and perhaps some of these ideas will crop up in azriels book and therefore won’t be wasted. But it just makes the series feel disjointed and leaves me at least, feeling unfulfilled.

Sjm is such a good author, in ToG the plot was expertly executed and when you reread the series, you can see hints and foreshadowing even back to book one. She knew exactly where she was going almost from the beginning, and each decision and plot point was used to create impact and build up to the ending. I don’t get that with acotar.

There is so so so much build, and almost no pay off - and I really got that sense in acosf, I loved it as a stand alone - but when we look at it through the perspective of the entire series, there were things which grated and a lot of things which I felt were built up to and nothing happened... Tomas, Cassians mother ( was so sure we would learn where she was buried at least ) the Illyrian rebellions and the Illyrians hatred and disrespect towards Cassian, Mor and Nestas relationship, CASSIAN AND MORS RELATIONSHIP ( I understand that the mor situation will be something which is focused upon primarily in azriels book, or hopefully her own, however their relationship involves Cassian as much as them both and I really wish Cassian had actually confronted the part he played in that whole situation - a part he played for 500 (!!!!) years. It’s a role which he was unable to relinquish in ACOWAR, and actively rejects Nesta to act as a buffer multiple times, seeing it as an obligation almost - and then in SF, pays it no attention at all. Feyre and Nestas relationship also isn’t really touched upon, as if that final act healed everything - what about that interrupted conversation in the library, when Nesta was cut off ? Why Nesta always favoured Elain, even Amren and Nesta - we still don’t really know what happened there... argh there’s just so much potential and so much set up, and it just seems forgotten about ? It makes the book seem disjointed and a bit of a let down.

Yesss I totally get what you mean here. ToG is honestly the superior series, and it’s because it has the cohesion that acotar doesn’t. Everything feels like it’s meant to be there, each character, each worldbuilding detail, their histories, everything just comes together in a wonderful way that just wrecked me when EoS came out and then was resolved perfectly in KoA.

Compared to that, acotar feels like sjm is figuring things out along the way and it is seriously driving me nuts. I’ve had multiple conversations with other people in Discords and they’ve said similar things. acotar at this point feels like sjm is just coming up with random ass ideas and throwing them in. No book in the series feels more like that than acowar. And it was that point where we knew that there would be more books, right? So combined with the fact that she pounded that book out and it got rather half-assed editing, you’re probably right that a lot of things were changed in order to set up the other books, even though it didn’t make sense with what she’d written before. 

I agree with you re: Mor and Az, and I feel like I’ve been seeing more people say that lately? That there is a feeling that they actually were supposed to be together and she changed her mind? I wrote a bunch of fics for them back in the day and they’ve gotten a bit more attention lately. But once acowar came out I was like, I’m gonna reread, and I’m gonna find all the clues, I’m gonna see where all this build-up was, and.... considering how often people say that sjm is so “good” at foreshadowing, I’m sorry, but not in this series. In ToG, yes, because she had a clear goal at the end! She knew where she was going and she stayed on that path. In acotar, idfk. Anyway my point is that I’ve reread the series a couple of times through since acowar came out and I’m still over here shrugging because up until that point, Mor and Az could be read in completely opposite ways. (Maybe it’s an Azriel thing, given the current discourse, idk.)

I will say, however, that we had clues that there was tension between them and I had noted that Az is quiet troubled and even pre-acomaf, I would not have been surprised by his extra in acosf. But all of that could have been addressed with Mor and Az still being together? We all had plenty of explanations at the time for the tension, and Mor being queer was like 1 of 100 of those explanations. 

If we look at Mor’s character through the books we have so far, I still see almost zero signs that she’s queer except for her literally saying “I like women and Rita’s has a lot of women and here’s my gay story”. Other than that, there is like..... nothing that feels organically queer about her!!! And I love her and I want her to be gay af!!!! But I wonder if my forgiveness of how acowar went down was more about my personal reaction than how well the story was actually done.

And the fact that, like you said, there is still no resolution to the fact that Cassian is supposedly a buffer between Mor and Azriel? Like???? We were all sitting here after acowar thinking “okay, well if she’s gay then someone knows. Someone has to know. She can’t just be gay and NO ONE WHO LOVES HER KNOWS.” 

Then in comes acosf with a big “fuck you, y’all thought” which just.... to me, it signals that her queerness was an afterthought. It’s still an afterthought because her queerness is limited to Mor and women blushing at her and Mor has her corner of the world in which she can be gay, but that gay never spills out into any other aspect of her life. It’s just conveniently isolated so that it doesn’t touch or affect other characters. 

In terms of continuity, acowar was such a huge shifting point in the series that people left in droves. It was a huge mess in the fandom. And then acofas was just fluff with no real point in pushing the story forward - even the Nesta stuff was a sneak peek, it had nothing to do with acofas itself. And now acosf comes in ignoring things she had set up previously, with almost zero nuanced discussion of the Cassian/Azriel/Mor thing, which means she still (?) doesn’t know what’s going on there. And I think that we did get some answers with Nesta’s reflection on her relationship with her mother, but the deal with the Illyrian rebellion was just in the way so let’s nix that, and then let’s focus on Eris (🤮) just because she feels like it even though she’s set up all these other characters whose stories need more. (Much like acowar, this paragraph is a MESS LOL)

And yes I KNOW that the series isn’t over, clearly, but she keeps setting things up and then letting them go nowhere, or making them seem important and then resolving them off-page, or changing character relationships (Mor and Az) but then having the characters involved act exactly the same, as if nothing had changed (by having the “buffer” situation still exist as a real thing).

I did enjoy the book, a lot, it was a fun read. But tbh we have so many arguments and disagreements within the fandom rn because things have been so left open to interpretation that we it’s not even a matter of “oh I saw this slightly differently”, it’s “WHAT book did these people even read???” That’s kinda weird, to me. There is reader response, and then there is what we have now, which is people having absolute opposite reactions to what they think happened in acosf.